#i did know what i was signing myself up for
Note
Ok hear me out…
Jeongin finding out you have a chocking kink and him finding out he has a size kink on accident…. Because look at his hands… need them inside me and around my neck asap!
“A PERFECT FIT” Y. J.
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A/N: I'm backkkkkkkk! To be transparent, I have over 40+ requests in my inbox right now, so I'm starting from the bottom! Please forgive me for not answering your prompts earlier (I intend to make up for it). This was an eye-opening request, so I hope I did it justice!
[ MDNI ] + [ NSFW ] + [ CHOKING ] + [ SLIGHT DEGRADATION ] + [ MENTIONS OF CREAMPIE ] + [ IMPLIED SIZE DIFFERENCE ]
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“Innie…I don't know what to choose..” your brows scrunch together slightly as the array of jewelry being shown to you expands. The subtle sparkle each item radiates almost overwhelms you, but seeing them makes your heart flutter nonetheless. Jeongin laughs softly, amused by how distraught you look though you're only picking out his anniversary gift to you, “Nothing is too much, hun. Pick whatever you want. Take your time, sweetheart.” He reassures with a gentle smile, motioning the clerk to halt their jewel showcasing. They do as he asks without a word, patiently waiting for a sign to step back in, and hopefully successfully secure a sale.
The two of you looked more than qualified to make an obscene purchase. Dressed nicely for a special occassion that was nothing short of wistful dream come true for you.
One year together…with all of its ups and downs, you'd managed to keep Jeongin wrapped around your finger, and he, in turn, guarded your heart like no other person had before.
Your awed expression shifts to subtle excitement while admiring the jewels at your fingertips.
“They’re all so wonderful… this one here is nice. Oh, but look Innie! That one comes in a set- Ah I'm getting ahead of myself aren't I?…” You bite back a giddy smile, gaze raking over every little detail, and Jeongin feels compelled to by the entire store seeing you so happy.
The diamonds glittered like little stars in your eyes, glinting in the high-end stores' ambient lights and pulling your attention in every direction. When Jeongin mentioned going out on a shopping spree, you hadn't expected him to take you here first, but who were you to complain? Not many men you knew would go to such lengths to celebrate a first anniversary, and even fewer would urge you to pick whatever you wanted without a budget.
You supposed Jeongin had far surpassed your expectations of a good partner long ago, but his tendency to spoil you at random wasn't something you'd gotten used to fully.
With a deep breath and a cheerful hum, you suggested a solution to your dilemma of choice. “How about you help me decide on a few choices, and we can go from there.” He holds your gaze for a long moment, smiling wide as your voice hangs in the air, soft and soothing in the quiet atmosphere.
The silent moment lengthens as he stares at you, unmistakably taken with your gentle doe eyes peering up into his piercing ones for an inevitable compromise.
“Seems fair to me,” Jeongin finally obliges your request, stepping so close that you must crane your neck to maintain eye contact with him. You nearly lose your breath after being so close, blushing intensely as he smirks at you. Even after a year, he managed to cluster you with ease, uncannily flirtatious on a whim, and incredibly full of himself -an unfortunately addictive trait of his you found domineering in every sense. You'd never considered letting him know it, though.
The impending tension oozing off Jeongin doesn't relent as you lower your eyes to his chest, smirking at the sight of your lipstick stains peeking through the collar of his shirt.
You intended to add a few more markings on him if he kept towering over you with a shameless glint behind his eyes. Jeongin wouldn't refuse the exchange either.
“What should I try on first, then,” you playfully cooed at him, glancing away from his skin to the sparkling white and gold jewelry on the pristine glass display counter.
One piece could easily be worth a year of your rent and bills combined….
Jeongin couldn't care less about the price of anything when it came to you, unable to put a price on your adoration for him and selfishly delighting in being the only man to put a smile on your face. “Let's see, this one and this piece would be a good start. I saw you eyeing these two as well..” He quickly pointed out his favorite pieces for you to try on, knowingly choosing a few you also favored. Your smile grew as his considerate nature shone through, watching his nimble and long fingers clad in silver rings gesture over various jewelry pieces. Jeongin could feel you eyeing him, merely stealing a sultry glance your way as he motioned the salesperson close again. “We’ll try these on first.” he identifies the items to them, and you watch as velvet-gloved hands remove a diamond tennis necklace, white gold lock bracelets, pure white rose studs with a matching locket, and finally, a three-stack silver and ruby ring with a low hanging charm necklace.
They were all so captivating in your eyes, each gleaming at the tips of Jeongins fingers as he scrutinized them. His touch was featherlight, but his focus was unwavering; specific scrutiny clouded his eyes as if every diamond needed to measure his standards or reflect his appreciation of you.
After a few moments of inspection, they seemed to pass his test, the diamond tennis necklace being the first to rest in his palm as he turned to face you. “Turn around,” he murmurs, a sweet but borderline smothering command. “Hm,” you chirp, afraid to speak in case a tremor of anticipation slipped through it, willing yourself to exhale correctly as you turn on your heel to face the nearest full-length mirror.
God, please don't do this to me…
Your breath catches again as Jeongin stares you down through the reflective surface, not so innocently drinking in your appearance, teeth catching his bottom lip as his eyes finally catch yours. The look was clear, somewhat frightening to you in such a public place, but exciting nonetheless. He wasn't shy about eye fucking you in others' presence since the beginning of your relationship, but this instance felt entirely different from the other times. The usual jolt of pleasure you felt heightened realizing the difference in his desire, those cunning eyes of his shrouding a hidden intent, and one you couldn't quite figure out at the moment.
The weight of his stare keeps your heart racing, numbing your thoughts to dull white noise as he steps close to you, invading your space like always but making it a point not to touch you directly. It's almost sickening how much you want to break for him right then, stilling a soft whimper of his name in a rushed breath as he holds the dainty necklace up in front of you both. He doesn't spare the jewelry a glance as he speaks lowly, pacing his words as he studies your more petite figure shrouded in his larger frame, “I don't think you need another necklace, baby.. You already have one specially made for you anytime you want it..” he leans in closer, breathing fanning the back of your neck and lobe of your ear in gentle waves as his free hand slithers up your chest to grasp your neck gently….
“Mm-” you gulp down a moan as he squeezes your throat, letting the metal of his rings sink into your skin like a branding iron before placing a chaste kiss on the juncture of your jaw and neck. The smile on his face feels evident on your skin, warming it with sudden heat and making you forget where the two of you were. He seems to fail, too, taking the chance to nip at your ear playfully, earning a surprised flinch from you. “J-Jeongin, we are in public-” you protest in a whisper, cheeks a red hue as he relents his hold on you and pretends that nothing vulgar has happened, but the pleased expression on his face says otherwise.
“You say that as if it'll stop me, honey. It won't…” he cockily responds, the bright smile returning in full force as you glare at him in response. “You’re such a shameless pervert,” you mutter back, knowing the insult won't phase him but rather rile him up further.
He doesn't mask his lack of cordialness, always entertained by small thing like you pointing out his schemes with an attitude of a propriety despite enjoying his public admvaces. “Dont be so mean, baby. I'm only having a little fun…” Jeongin lifts the necklace with both hands and you carefully move your hair to let him clasp it around your neck. The glimmer it gives off compliments your skin, drawing your attention like a magnet, but it's quickly refocused as he whispers in your ear again.
“And don't act like you don't get all worked up when I do.”
If your cunt wasn't weeping before, it indeed was now, crying to be touched by him and distracting you for the rest of the time you spent trying on jewelry.
Jeongin took every chance to mess with you, subtly rough with you each time he made you try on a piece, cooing in your ear how pretty you looked in each one, and purposefully giving you no personal space if no one was paying the two of you any particular attention.
He couldn't help himself.
Each time, you shivered closer to him as cold jewels touched your heated skin, making his chest tight with greed for more. The picture-perfect image of you all dolled up, admiring diamonds he'd gladly give you and so willingly allowing his advances to continue. Every necklace around your neck prompted him to replace it with his hand again, a growing addiction he couldn't wait to satiate and savor all at once. The softness of your smaller hands rests on him as you trace over silver and gold. The confidence in your opinions on each piece slowly dwindles with every whispered promise of him fucking you in them later, and your will to be indifferent is completely forgotten as he swipes his card for it all.
It drove Jeongin insane, so much so that the rest of your date went unfinished, put on complete stand-by as he dragged you into his dorm.
You stumbled behind him as the electronic door clicked shut, trying to giggle as he kicked his shoes off, dropped his coat and keys on the couch, and practically did the same steps for you.
There was no use in telling him you could do those tasks yourself; he gave no time even to discuss the mundane steps and swept you into his bedroom seconds later.
“Jeongin… oh fuck!-” You squeal as he kicks the door shut, tugging his shirt off as you trip back into his bed from the force of his shove. You move to stand up and help him undress, but he's much faster than you. His body slides between your legs, the coarse black fabric of his jeans an excellent contrast to the overly warm skin of your thighs, and you groan quietly from the contact. “Wait…” you mumble helplessly, eyes sliding shut as he leans forward, a hand finding your neck while the other reaches for his belt. You stare in awe, watching his fingers work the silver button out, the zipper pulled down next, but the band of his boxers is left untouched as he holds your jaw upwards. “Wait? For what, hun? Haven't we done enough of that today?..” he croons at you, inching closer until you have no choice but to lay flat underneath him with your gaze fixed on his.
Dryness invades your mouth seeing his eyes darken, cunt starting to pulse his name the longer he stares, and the apparent bulge of cock pressing on you not helping at all. Jeongin reads the depravity taking over your expression, growing hot when you squirm underpin helplessly, chasing his lips for a heated kiss that initiated messier ones after. You gripped at his forearms, nails digging into his skin as his muscles flexed under your touch, intending you trailed them into his amber hair.
His tongue dived for yours, toying with it until you were out of breath, drool slipping down both your chins as he pulled back a bit. You tried to speak but gasped instead as he choked you a little more complicated, smiling as your eyes rolled back, and a soft whimper flew past your lips on instinct. Jeongin should've felt ashamed of how his heart soared seeing you so distraught because of him, how tiny you looked, struggling to breathe under his hold, but all he could think about was doing it again with his covk buried in you.
It was all you could fathom, smiling like a fool as he loosened his grip seconds later to kiss you softly as an unspoken apology. “Too much?..” he inquired quietly, ready to stop himself from doing it again if you were uncontrollable. Still, the delighted hum you responded with said otherwise. “Do it again…as much as you want,” you breathed into his ear as his lips found other skin to attack, baring down on your jeweled neck before trailing to the collar of your top.
Jeongin lifted his eyes to yours, one look you understood well enough not to ask what it meant, and nodding complicity to. He kissed the valley of your breasts as a wordless thank you, sitting you both up to strip your top half naked. You shivered as cool air hit your skin, the chill soon dulled away as he laid ontop of you again.
His hands wandered your body, playing with the flesh of your breasts and rolling your nipples to stiff peaks between his fingers. Your curves got plenty of his attention, groped at every opportunity when you arched up against him, arms around his neck to keep him close for one tongue kiss after the next. “So cute..” Jeongin mumbled as you moaned against his lips, fingers wrapping around your throat like a missing puzzle piece, and you tugged his hair in response as the added pressure made your new diamond choker dig into your skin.
He smirks at the slight pain in your eyes, “Hurts?”
You nod as best you can, hips unconsciously raising to meet his as fear-induced heat floods your core. Jeongin smiles wide, “Awe, you poor, sweet, little thing… it's supposed to.” his voice turns ice cold, matching the force he uses to pin you down underneath him as he hikes your skirt to rest above your hips and tugs at your panties so hard threads audibly rip.
You want to panic as the need to breathe hits, but you can't bring yourself to as his free hand slips past your underwear to cup the soaked mound hidden there. Stars pickle your vision as he prods his middle finger on the first, carefully timed strokes of your inner walls, causing them to clench down on it, and he adds another to challenge the reaction. Jeongin groans, seeing your thighs quiver violently, slowly getting slick with cum the longer he pumps his fingers into you, “You're tight as ever, baby. Haven't been filled in a while since I've been gone…almost makes me feel bad.”
His taunting sounds distant, only becoming apparent when his grip on your neck loosens, “J-Jeong- god!” you hiss as he adds a third finger, twisting and stretching them with lethal intent. Your legs open wider on his bed, hands fisting the covers and his wrist, but your eyes staring far off into space as he coaxed your climax out. “Don’t wanna come yet…” you protest quietly as he leans down to spit on your cunt, pushing it further in you with a satisfied hum, and you shudder as the new substance taints your insides. “Oh, but I want you to, little one. I gave you such a pretty gift today, and it'd be wrong not to get my money's worth..” he feigned concern, curling his fingers to hit your sweet spot on, knowing he hit it when you yelped and nodded your head vigorously in agreement.
“Yes! Yes!… Yes, Innie, please!” you tried to stay still but felt a particular rush hit that had you crying out and trying to run from him instead. Jeongin halted your attempts with a squeeze on your neck and deliberately slowly circled his thumb on your clit. The contrast of no air and sudden stimulation made you come undone in seconds, come gushed onto his hand like a small river. You groaned as he worked you through the high, not caring at all that you squirted all over his hand and sheets.
He only wanted more after the fact, commenting on how wonderous your release was like he'd won a prize, “All that from a small thing like you. How lucky am I, hm?” Jeongin slipped his hand from between your shaking thighs, passing his come-coated fingers up your body until they reached your lips. His cock twitched as you mindlessly kitten licked them, tears treating to run from your eyes as you sucked on them gently. Even your mouth felt confining, struggling to take his fingers but still willing to, and the apparent tight fit left him reeling.
Too tired to think straight, you lapped at his fingers like candy, occasionally gagging as drool dribbled down your chin, and the unexpected air loss beginning to make you dizzy but not delirious enough to pass out.
The feeling of his bare cock finally resting on your slit brought you back to your senses in a matter of minutes. His fingers left your mouth empty, the spit on them used to lubricate his length from tip to base. You watched in a daze as he pumped his fist twice, his low moans clouding your thoughts and the sight of his skin collecting a thin sheen of sweat along with the love-drunk expression on his face, burning memory in them.
“Jeongin..” you call out to him sweetly, meeting his gaze as he pushes into slowly, groaning your name like a practiced melody as your cunt throbs against every inch of length. “Relax..” he warns you, breathless as you stare at him wistfully, willing your body to do as he asks. The stretch of his cock is familiar, welcoming even, but it still has a burning edge to it. He's a lot to take on a good day, taking your breath away with one stroke and tearing you apart with the next. “Trying..” you whisper against his lips as he lowers his head to rest on yours, not breaking eye contact as he buries himself to the hilt in your warm walls.
“Mmm, and you doing so well, too,” he praises you quietly, losing his breath as he drags his hips back to slam back in a bit harder than the first time. You jolt under him, moaning loudly while locking your legs around his hips to keep him deep. “Selfish, aren't we?” Jeongin chuckles at your attempt to keep him still, admiring the lazy smile on your lips as you nod yes, not caring if he could break away with no effort.
Only an hour ago, you asked him for a piggyback ride to his car, tired from walking around the shopping center, taking advantage of his taller stature for your gain. Now, here you were begging him to invade your smaller one and stay inside it, and the stark difference had his blood running hot.
Jeongin could overpower you, and in turn, you begged him to.
The hold you had on him didn't last long as the realization crossed his mind, sabotaged by his decision to unlock your legs from his waist before pressing your thighs up and open for unrestricted control. “Oh god damn it!..” you drawled helplessly as he grinned down at you, clearly proud of himself as he began to pound into you at his own pace. Fast and direct thrusts that had your toes curling, chest heaving, and insides twisting with pleasure. Your head lulled back, eyes fluttering shut as Jeongins definitive hits abused your sweet spot and forced your body to comply with his size.
Jeongin hissed as your neck came into his blurred view, red lines from his rings and your new necklace evident, but the actual detail captivating him was the light bruises his fingertips left. He'd have to make up for the blemishes later, but for now, he wanted to add more, taken by how fragile you looked underneath him and quite proud of his handwork.
You felt the coil in your stomach tighten, cum leaking from where you two connected, and your head emptying of any thoughts the closer he brought you to coming again. He studied every movement you made, how your body tensed when his cock entirely nestled into you, the immediate rise of your lower stomach when he went further, and the tremor in your moans strengthening as he fucked you into a complete stupor.
She's so tiny…so soft… so fucking warm.
He reveled in the observations, bringing himself to his end and driving him to hit you harder. The firm grip of both his hands around your throat left you disoriented, on the verge of snapping as he restricted your breaths while simultaneously giving your cunt deliberate strokes. You claw at his wrists just as it became too much, a relieved scream erupting from you as your high crashed down.
Jeongin smiles at you incredulously, taken aback but nowhere near displeased.
“That's what gets you off, little one? Being fucked like a slut. Come on, tell me the truth,” he teases you lowly. His gaze shifted from your face contorted in pleasure to the cream cum ring connecting you both. He watches your mouth fall open as he fucks you through a second high. “Hmm, n-no!” you try to answer but give up as words allude to you, replaced by cries of his name. His hips are faster for a second, cock twitching inside you as your nails prick his wrists.
He's close, and you take advantage of that, putting pressure on his hand to choke you harder, and he takes the hint in a split second.
“Tell me if it's too much…” Jeongin grunts loudly, hips snapping faster and breaths coming short as your cubt involuntarily closes in on his cock. The pleasurable aftershock of his thrusts adds to the tingling buzz engulfing your body as oxygen leaves your lungs. You want to answer him, want to breathe even, but can't while gasping for air while the coil in your tummy snaps to pieces.
“Shit! Fuck!” his voice vibrates the room, guttural whines tumbling from his mouth as your arousal spills on him for the second time, but the distracting feelings, unless his form and the pressure on your throat vanishes. “Jeongin!…” you gasp for air, shaking uncontrollably as the world returns to focus for you.
He laughs dryly, hearing you shout his name first despite being on the brink of passing out seconds ago, a proud grin plastered on his face when your gaze fogs over, and the last of his patience leaving at the sight.
“Dont move..” he buffs, and you nod obediently, mewling quietly as a familiar warmth envelops your cunt, his release streaming down your slit as he slowly pulls out. Jeongin appears mildly entranced at the mixture, tapping your thigh appreciatively, and you whine at the gentle contact. “Easy, hun.” he saunters closer, clearly just as exhausted as you are, slumping beside you to catch his breath. You blink the haze from your eyes, able to land back on earth with little effort, but your body still feels unsteady as you could up close to him.
“Never knew you were into that Innie,” you whisper hoarsely, lips grazing the skin of his shoulder blade. He shudders violently, sensitive to your broken voice and mentally fixed on the high you shared. His brows turn downward, jovial confusion in his expression as he lifts his head, “Into what, babe?” You giggle at the question, assuming he'd been fully aware of his new kink, but obviously, he wasn't, which amused you.
“Choking, silly. You almost made me pass out…not that I would mind.” you fall flat onto your back as he laughs tiredly, “I'm not, but you are.” his retort is definite, an observation, and one you don't negate.
“True, but that's not the only thing new for you, Innie…”
He shifts, standing to begin cleaning you both up, and you sit up to follow but halt as he kneels to take off your skirt and ripped panties. “And what do you mean by that?” Jeongin peers at you curiously, taking his time to undress you. “Hm, I don't know… I just got the feeling you like that I'm smaller than you. You've never been so rough before, and it was nice to be treated so….easily.”
A smile crosses your face as he freezes, eyes narrowing up at you, “Now, look who's the pervert..” His teasing makes you scowl at him briefly; a solid thump on his head follows, “M’ not a percert!..”
“Says the girl, pointing out my kinks-”
He flinches and laughs as you lunge at him, catching you the moment your weight pins him to the ground, “You talk a lot of shit Yang Jeongin…” you hiss playfully.
Your hands raise to pinch his cheeks but Jeongin is quicker, gripping your wrists with one hand, and the other grasping your hip. “Ah!” you squeal in surprise as he flips over, holding you down while you wriggle under his weight.
The struggle is electrifying and playful but tense. The exact excitement he felt earlier bloomed again, seeing you put up a fight to lose when his lips met your parted ones.
You were right.
He'd never admit it.
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This was my first request since being gone so long. I feel like I did okay, but please give me feedback cause I don't know if my style has changed since then. Anyway, I love you, babies, and thank you for all the love and support!
[ BONUS CONTENT + ]
You know, if I had a dollar for every time I imagined how good Jeongin might look fucked out, I'd be a millionaire already. (I'm back on my unhinged shit, as you can see) credit to the creator. 🖤
#skz#stray kids#skz smut#stray kids x reader#skz imagines#skz x reader#yang jeongin#yang jeongin skz#jeongin x you#jeongin skz#yang jeongin smut#jeongin smut#jeongin x reader#yang jeongin stray kids#jeongin imagines#jeongin#jeongin hard thoughts#jeongin hard hours#skz hard thoughts#skz hard hours#stray kids hard thoughts#stray kids hard hours#size difference#size k!nk#choke play#choked while fucked#choke her#degrading k1nk#degrade and humiliate me#praise and degredation
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A letter to the Fable SMP
I'm going to pour my heart out into this post. So sit down, take a breath, and get ready for a walk through all the ways my life has been impacted. This is pretty heavy.
Warnings: discussions of bullying, death of people and animals
If you don't know me; Hi, my name is Rin Silas. You know me better as tumblr user Lucenare.
This starts before Fable began, with a buildup to me losing my love of cosplay, and what brought that back.
When I was in high school, I was a horror SFX cosplayer. I was going to cons all the time, finding my niche in the local cosplay community. Some of my friends came to be professional cosplayers. I did not. When I got diagnosed with POTS, cosplay became hard for me. I wasn't sure how to do it. I stopped being active. My self image plummetted. And one of my "friends" turned out to be an awful person. A professional cosplayer, who was a bully and made that self image worse. I couldn't go to certain cons for years because of her. She would bully people until they left if she saw them-- and she was so popular in the community. It crushed me, to see her rise in the community. It stripped the joy out of cosplay. I didn't *want* to be in this space, and it soured the craft.
I wanted to get back into it, but I was unsure of how. I started working on clothes again, making my outfit for senior prom. At my highest point mentally in all of high school, finally being creative in a way that made me feel good again, with a clear path for college; the world shut down. With all that free time, and multiple generations worth of fabric hordes, I started sewing again. My grandmother got me a graduation present- a heavy duty sewing machine all to myself. No more borrowing my moms. I sewed so many plushies durring that time- but I still wasnt making cosplays again.
And then the DreamSMP happened.
And then I signed up for Tiktok.
And suddenly, I had all of these tiktok cosplayers cosplaying minecraft cubitos all over my feed. No fear, just fun. All different body types- going crazy with it, not being "canon accurate"-- two things my "friend" had strongly ridiculed me for. And it was great. It felt so good, from my heavily sterilized cosplay scene, to see so much freedom and love put into it. I was too scared to cosplay again, but I saw a love put into it that I hadn't seen since I went to BLERD, a smaller local con geared towards minorities. All of these cosplayers- whos names we all know, as so many of them were part of Fable- let me see the love in something that had been taken from me again. And years later, I love cosplaying again. Without this, i don't know if I would have started cosplaying again.
And then those cosplayers started to cosplay their own characters- and they were all *connected*. It was such a pure form of enjoyment- watching people love what they had made enough to cosplay from it. And then I found myself tuning in to Sherbert's streams, mid corruption arc.
And that's how it started. My love for Fable. The impact it had on me- the vessel for healing my relationship with cosplay. I also healed my relationship with makeup in this time.
Throughout 2022, Fable was a source of fun, and something to look forward to. I loved it. It became a hyperfixation. I started cosplaying again, privately. I wanted to show my love for what was bringing me joy. As my grandmother who gifted me my sewing machine's health worsened, I met George witchcrafting in person for the first time, my work closed for remodel, and I became my grandmother's caretaker. Being woken up in the night to help her, until eventually I was sleeping at her house. Stay awake until 3 playing splatoon, wake up and watch whatever fable lore was happening to pass the time around caring for her.
By the end of this, I was waking up at 8 am and going to bed at 3 am, waking my mother up so I could get a couple hours of much needed sleep before doing it all again. Having to call my brother to watch her for a couple minutes at a time so I could go outside and cry. She was only on hospice for a week, that's how fast she got bad. She passed a week before Christmas, the night before my work re-opened. I was the only one awake.
Fable SMP became my escape from the grief and pain. The funeral was the day after my 21st birthday.
In Febuary 2023, I came home from my trip to visit my beloved GB for our anniversary, and my cat was sick. She passed a couple days later. Fable was once again my primary outlet. Being silly on tumblr was my primary outlet. I changed my url on my minecraft blog from craftsunemineku to lucenare. As more random cast members started following me, Ghosty started to mess with me in replies. I never let anyone know my twitch, though. I didn't want anyone to. I wanted to remain an Entity on tumblr.
Until Ghosty send me a meme, with an accidental spoiler of Allerion's mural in it. And that was too funny to pass up. The next time Ghosty was live, I subbed with prime, and hit him with the famed "oh tumblr user ghostyjpg we're really in it now" in my sub message.
I wouldn't be where I am today without that, truly. We were silly goofy, I got goofier on tumblr. I had been wanting to get back into streaming, as I had started to right before my grandmother's health had declined and had to stop almost immediately. I became a mod for Haunt, Ghosty's viewer smp.
In early July, I lost one of my guinea pigs. Jack's partner, Phineas. Phin was a birthday present I got when I turned 17. He was my emotional support for grief especially, and the world took him away when I needed him the most. A month later, the world took away my other cat, too. Three pets, and my grandmother.
Being Tumblr User Lucenare got me through the worst time of my life.
And then I started streaming again. And Ghosty grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and flung me. And because of that, I'm now a streamer, I've made so many friends. I changed my major-- the trajectory my life was on changed.
And here I am.
Without Fable, I would have never healed my relationship with cosplay the way I did. Without Fable, I would never have met the people I have. Without Fable, I wouldn't have started streaming again. Without Fable, I wouldn't have started Terramortis.
I hope that Terramortis can do for someone a fraction of what Fable did for me.
To Heyhay: thank you for being a creator I could look up to. For inspiring me to bring my crazy UV makeup into cosplay. Sorry Rae's Big Naturals ended up being a major bit on my streams, I dont know how that happened. Also thank you for the elytra tutorial on your youtube that is my Rock for texture pack things.
To Sherbert: thank you for helping heal my relationship with cosplay, even before you knew I existed. I will always appreciate that. Thank you for inspiring me to script out CMVs, showing your processes to the world, and inspiring me to change my major to one I actually enjoy.
To Ocie: Thank you for helping me get my dog back from Ethan and Eagle on EOD in season 4. Unbreakable bond of theres a rule written about us.
To Beck: my fellow old bay hater, thank you for joining my smp and all the silly conversations we've had. I cant wait to work with you more going forward.
To Connor: One day we need to make teas together on stream. You are a delight to know and never let anyone tell you otherwise. I can't wait to see where these bugs go.
To Ven: thank you for joining in on the occasional splaturday, even in chat. You are so brave for the costuming you're doing right now, I hope we can hang out more in the future and do cool things
And to Ghosty: Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for everything. Without you, I don't know where I'd be. Thank you for playing splatoon with me, for the silly messages I get, for all the little spoilers, accidental or otherwise. Thank you for helping me through one of the worst years of my life, before you even knew me. I genuinely did not know if I was going to make it through 2023. I did, in no small part thanks to you. I made it through and I thrived and the foundation for it was so simple. A meme. Some jokes. An accidental spoiler.
It's funny how fast your life can change.
So, to the cast of Fable:
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for building this story and this community. This community that saved me, that guided me through the dark. That allowed me to meet my dear friends that I have now. I am meeting so many people at vidcon this year, so many friends that I didn't have a year ago are now some of my closest.
I can't wait to see what comes next, and I can't wait to create with some of you.
Thank you, so much, for everything.
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Drinks
ZORO x READER! FLUFF! (KEEP SENDING REQUESTS)
The crew was celebrating your escape from the Navy. Everyone was dancing, laughing, and drinking. You sat by the bar staring at a particular moss headed man.
You noticed his eyes glance over to you, causing you to jump and avert your eyes. “Zoro is looking cute today, huh?” Nami asked, causing you to flip your head around. “H-Huh?” You stuttered. “You can’t hide it from me, besides it looked like you were trying to fuck him with your eyes,” Nami laughed.
You felt your face heat up, you tried to ignore your friend’s question as you took a sip from your water. “Oh come on (Y/N), don’t be so stiff,” she laughed. “ I don’t know. I just got so awkward around him. The last time we were alone, I tripped over myself and landed in a puddle of mud…” you groaned as your head hit the bar table. “O-Oh come on, that's not so ba-” You cut her off. “Another time a bird pooped on my head… Then at the last island I dropped my coconut drink on him. Then there was another time where-” Nami stopped you. “Ok… so I see that there’s been a few hiccups in the past,” she sighed.
“A few?” you raised an eyebrow. “A lot, there’s been a lot. Even so, you can’t give up! My gut tells me that he likes you back,” she said as she nudged you with her shoulder. “I don’t know Nami… besides kinda seems like the universe is giving me clear signs to stay away,” you sighed as you took a sip of your water. “Oh come on! Don’t give up so easily, take a few drinks! Get loose a little bit,” she encouraged you.
“You know I don’t drink,” you replied. “It’s not that bad, you just haven’t found your drink,” she winked. “Whatever, if you can find a good enough drink for me then why not… besides, it’s not like I can embarrass myself even more in front of him. I fell face first onto Sanji’s pie in front of him… It was on the dining room table,” you groaned. “That’s the spirit!” She smiled.
You turned your back to Nami as she began experimenting in the bar. Your eyes scanned the deck, trying to find the swordsman. You sipped some water to look a bit more conspicuous. “Whatcha looking for?” A deep voice boomed beside you. You choked on your water, you looked to your left and noticed Zoro a few seats away at the bar with a bottle of sake. You gulped, did he hear your conversation with Nami?? Wait… when did he even get here?
“J-Just looking around,” you squeaked. “Mmmm,” he grumbled. He stood up and sat in the set next to you, oh god- “Here you go! I know how much you like coconut, so I tried to make it tropical,” Nami smiled proudly as she handed you a drink. “Oh hey Zoro, when did you get here?” She asked. “About a minute ago,” he replied. You let out an internal sigh of relief.
“You’re drinking?” He asked as he sipped from his cup. “N-Nami wanted to help me find a drink that I might like…” you trailed off. “Well, try it!” Nami said. You slowly took the cup to your lips and sipped it. “Oh wow!” you beamed. “You like it?” Nami smiled. “Yeah, it’s really good!” You said before sipping the whole drink. “Oh wow! Maybe you were meant to be a drinker, that was fast!” Nami smiled. “I think you should cool it a little, don’t want to have to end up carrying you to your bed,” Zoro said as he poured himself another cup.
You stared back at Nami. Her eyes told you exactly what she’s thinking. You shook your head slightly as you saw her devilish grin grow. “Oh come on Zoro~” she cooed. Oh god. “Don’t tell me you’re afraid she’ll drink you under the table?” She smiled slyly. “No, but I’d hate for her to have a bad first drinking experience,” he said. You smiled at his comment. “Alright, you make a great point, but before I leave I’ll make (Y/N) one more drink,” she said. You smiled, glad that Nami didn’t follow through with her crazy plan.
She handed you another drink before going back with the rest of the crew. You waved goodbye and turned back to the bar, realizing you were now alone with Zoro. “Mind if I have a sip?” he asked. You nodded and slowly handed him the drink, feeling your face heat up as he sipped from your straw. “Hey that’s not too bad, really sweet, but pretty good,” he smiled softly. If you could melt from a smile, you’d be a puddle.
You nodded and retrieved the drink from him. You began to sip the drink slowly. “I guess this means we can be drinking partners now,” he chuckled. “Sounds nice, until you drink me under the table,” you smiled. “Nah, today you’re starting slow. Maybe later on I’ll be the one trying to catch up,” he said. You smiled widely, you’re actually doing it! You’re having an actual conversation with him! Thank you Nami, thank you-
You felt a soft strange wave flow through you. “Oh umm… I’ll be back. I’m gonna go to the restroom,” you said. “Alright, I’ll be here,” he replied. You slowly stood up and felt your knees buckle. “Woah! You alright?” Zoro asked as he swooped in and wrapped his arm around you.
You felt slightly dizzy, not sick, but strange. “S-Sorry, I just feel weird,” you hiccuped. You looked up to Zoro and noticed a light blush across his cheeks. Probably from the drinking. “Alright, looks like we found out you’re a lightweight,” he said slowly. “Oh no… does that mean we can’t be drinking partners anymore?” You said, easily able to say whatever’s on your mind. “O-Oh well… we can,” he cleared his throat. “Really? That makes me so happy!” You beamed.
“L-Let’s get you to your bed,” He stuttered. “Whaat? Why? Aren’t we having fun?” You asked as you threw your arms around his neck. “W-We are,” he said, his blush growing to his ears. “So don’t take me to bed… Let’s drink more~” you cooed. “I think we should really-” you cut him off. “Please Zoro? One more drink?” You pouted. He gulped, his arms still wrapped around you. “W-Well…” he trailed off.
Your eyes scanned his face, then down his neck, and finally to a part of his exposed chest. You ran your fingers down his chest. “You’re so strong Zoro. I like strong guys,” you smiled. You watched through your fuzzy vision his face explode into a deep red tone. “D-D-Do you? I-I didn’t k-know…” he stuttered.
You laughed at his reaction, “You’re pretty cute too,” you added. “A-Alright let’s get you to bed!” he said as he lifted you over his shoulder. “Wee!” you grinned. “So strong~ You’re so cool Zoro,” you smiled as you were carried off. You passed Nami who gave you a thumbs up. You waved in return before seeing your door close behind you.
You were softly tossed onto your bed, “We got here so fast,” you said. “Yep, now rest up… I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” he said as he headed to the door. “Whaat? Noo, you can’t leave me! Stay with me!” You pleaded as you latched onto his arm. “Huh?” He asked. “Please! It’ll be boring all alone,” you replied. You dragged him towards your bed, and softly pushed him back onto the sheets.
“Since when were you so strong?” He asked. You laughed, and pounced on top of him. “(Y-Y/N)?” He asked. “I got you! Now you have to stay with me,” you smiled. “God… alright then…” he sighed as he slowly sat up. “Really? Ok!” you grinned. “Ok let’s get ready for bed,” you said as you wobbled over to your dresser. You grabbed a T-Shirt and some shorts and walked back over to Zoro.
“W-What are you doing?” He asked. “Changing into my PJ’s, duh,” you replied with a raised eyebrow. “Oh well let me-” he stopped. You quickly began undressing, removing your top and bottoms, leaving yourself in your undergarments. You looked over to Zoro who was as red as a tomato. “It looks like you have smoke coming out of your ears,” you laughed. “Uh-huh…” he said defeatedly.
You quickly changed and then stood in front of Zoro, who was still recovering from who knows what. You smiled and plopped into bed, patting the empty space beside you. “Let’s go to bed?” You asked. “Yeah…” he sighed. He slowly laid down beside you and you quickly scooted into his chest.
“Who would’ve known you were secretly a flirt like the cook,” he mumbled. “Only to you,” you whispered. You suddenly heard his heart rate pick up, you laughed. “Goodnight Zoro,” you smiled. “N-Night,” he replied.
… Morning…
You slowly woke up to a pounding headache. “God, my head won’t stop ringing,” you groaned as you rubbed your temples. “Where’s my pillow?” You asked yourself, and reached beside you for one. Instead feeling a warm body beside you. You snapped your head to the person beside and saw Zoro. You instantly blow a fuse, “W-What’s he doing here?” You asked yourself.
“You told me to stay the night,” he quickly responded. You squeaked in response. “Don’t get all nervous now… What happened to the flirtatious girl from last night?” He smirked. “H-Huh?” You asked, thinking hard and remembering fragments of last night. “Oh god…” you groaned as you fell back onto the bed beside him. “I’m sorry…” you said sheepishly. “It’s fine, but… don’t drink with anyone other than me from now on. You got that?” He asked as he rolled over to face you. “Huh?” You asked him. “You said you’re only flirty with me when you drink, and it’s going to stay that way,” he said as he wrapped an arm around you.
“O-Ok,” you blushed.
#anime fanfic#fluff#x reader#anime#fanfic#one piece fluff#one piece x y/n#one piece#one piece x reader#zoro x reader#one piece zoro#ronoroa zoro#roronoa zoro#zoro one piece#Zoro fluff#oneshot
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Painting (Drabble)
Pairing: Lord Debling x Reader
Word Count: 743
Description: Y/n is struggling with a painting when she recieves some much needed help.
So, I have never written fanfiction for Bridgerton before but after watching the first half of season 3 and meeting Lord Debling I couldn't help myself. I'm also very nervous to post this because it's a bit out of my comfort zone but I hope you enjoy anyway.
Dedicated to: @madhatterbri who encouraged me to write this, helped form the plot and is overall one of the best. I appreciate you so much thank you!
(I haven't added my normal tag list since those are usually just for wrestling. If you'd like to be added to a tag list of anything I write besides wrestling let me know!)
__________
Y/n let out a soft huff as she wiped her forehead with the back of her hand, staring at the canvas in front of her. She’d spent the last two hours trying to paint a bird from the book set on a stool in front of her. This was a painting she just didn’t want to mess up on but the more she stared at it the worse it seemed to look.
“Is everything alright m’lady?”
“Yes Ruth, just having a bit of difficulty getting these colors to work and blend the way that I wish them too.”
“Please let me know when you are ready, and I shall draw the bath for you.”
“Thank you, Ruth.”
Watching the maid leave, Y/n turns back towards her painting and examines the book once more. Adjusting the apron she wore over her dress to keep from ruining it, she dipped into her paints again. More time passed and her frustrations only grew as the colors started running and made the bird look like a mess.
Dropping the paintbrush in the pot of water she hung her head in defeat, deciding to just start all over again. Not having heard the door open she nearly jumped, feeling a pair of arms wrapping around her before a chuckle sounded in her ear.
“Sorry to startle you love I thought you heard me enter.”
“That’s alright my lord I just was focusing on something else.”
Alfred glanced around to be sure they were alone before pressing a soft kiss to her neck.
“Tell me what’s the matter.”
“I’m trying to paint this bird and all of my colors keep running I’ve spent hours on it but alas to no avail.”
Remaining silently as his eyes drifted over the canvas in front of them, since they had began courting he was trying to take interest in her hobbies. When he found out she had a love for painting much like his mother, it was one he quickly did his best to learn all he could about it.
“Allow me to offer my assistance to you.”
Grabbing her hand gently together they picked up the brush, the sparks of electricity she felt as they moved together dipping into her paint pallet. She could barely concentrate at the feel of him pressed against her back. When the brush touched the canvas, she let out a soft laugh.
“What is it brining you such joy my dear?”
“Your beard tickles my cheek.”
Y/n spoke softly as his own smile grew to match hers the two talking in soft whispers as he helped her fix the once ruined picture.
“What do you think?”
“It looks so much better thank you for your help now we both must sign it.”
She said pointing to the feather quill and pot of ink sat on the desk a few feet away from them, Alfred reached over grabbing the quill. Signing the name Debling then placing the quill in her hand so she could sign her last name.
Placing it back in the ink pot Y/n slowly turned to face him their eyes meeting hers lighting up as his softened.
“Miss. Y/n I know this may come forth as a bit forward but may I kiss you?”
He asked a slight nervous quiver to his voice if you listened close enough she remained silently causing him to clear in throat. The last thing he wanted was for her to feel pressured into anything. After a moment her smile grew as she leaned closer to him their lips brushing in the softest touch before a knock on the door sent them apart. Composing themselves she turned to see Ruth entering one more.
“Excuse me miss but your mother is looking for you.”
“Thank you, Ruth please tell her, that I will be right there.”
Ruth nodded, leaving them alone again y/n sighing softly she turned back to Alfred who gently touched her cheek.
“I must be going as it is rather late, I shall call upon you tomorrow afternoon would that be alright?”
“Yes, I would enjoy that very much my lord.”
The pair left the room and y/n saw him to the front entrance, his fingers once more touching her cheek in a bid farewell. Watching him leave she sighed her arms wrapping around herself, the thought of his arms around her caused her face to heat up. Turning, she went off in search of her mother.
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I loved Ryan’s answer for the podcast sneak peak. But I’ve also never doubted if Ryan or Oliver wanted buddie to happen. What I am weary about though is now that Buck is official bisexual
They have Ryan in all of these interviews now saying Eddie is hetero (which yes is true they have just never actually had anyone say that out loud until now) and what seems to be almost every episode we see Eddie this season now having sex with a woman or talking about sex with a woman or stills of Eddie kissing women. Hell just two episodes ago we saw Eddie having sex with a woman while he was having lunch with his girlfriend.
Ryan and Oliver are open to it sure but the show itself seems to be driving home a much more pointed look at Eddie with women only narrative.
Hello Nonny! How are you today? I’m having a blast now that fandom life is thriving.
Okay, first of all:
Ryan and Oliver are only talking about Buddie because FINALLY they are allowed to talk about them. I have an inkling that they did want to go the Buddie route years ago (as a natural progression of the bi Buck storyline they were planning around season 4), but they weren’t allowed. That’s the whole reason Oliver stopped talking about them and stopped engaging with the fandom through social media. He didn’t want to mislead people.
Ryan has never been as open as Oliver on social media and some people saw this as ‘evidence’ that he didn’t want to talk about Buddie because he didn’t want to do it. I never thought about it in this way, because Ryan is obviously a lot more private than Oliver when it comes to social media. To me, it was always more a case of ‘it isn’t that he doesn’t want it, but that he just doesn’t want to talk about it.’ To him it was probably a non-issue because (as we found out a couple of weeks ago) Fox didn’t want the storyline to happen. There was no way to make it happen and he let it go. But he also, has always maintained that he was open to the storyline if it would ever come up. Basically the only thing they were allowed to say.
Second:
Of course Ryan is saying that ‘right now’ Eddie is heterosexual, because he is. He has only been with women at this point, not with a lot of success, mind you. But keep in mind that only two months ago Buck was also heterosexual as far as we knew. Some of us had headcanons that he was bisexual, but as long as it wasn’t stated or shown in the show, it was only that.
Now take a look at Eddie. He has only been with women, but some people stll have headcanons that he is also bisexual or even gay. I myself like to think that he is demisexual. But these are headcanons right now. As long as it isn’t stated or shown in the show, it is only that.
So, Buck was very heterosexual for many seasons, having many girlfriends. No sign of any interest in men, only some very heavy subtextual signs maybe. Then, in one single episode, BOOM he is outed as a bisexual.
So, Eddie is very heterosexual. Has been for many seasons now, having a (sadly deceased) wife and two girlfriends (no, I’m not counting Kim at this point, because we don’t know where this storyline is going). No signs of any interest in men, only some very heavy subtextual signs maybe.
Then, possibly, in one single episode (or many episodes, because I feel like Eddie will need a lot more time), somewhere in the future, maybe season 8, he is outed as a bisexual man/gay man/demisexual man/…
What would be the difference? I tell you what it is. There is no difference. It is literally the same thing.
Third:
Eddie having a lot of sex with women, kissing women…
First of all, have you met Buck? Do you remember that, from season 1 up until season 6, he had a ton of sex and kissed many women. How very hetero of him. But low and behold, in season 7 he comes out as bisexual and gets to enjoy even more kisses and sex. This time with a man.
So, what is so different about Eddie? Yes, he has a much more complicated relationship with sex than Buck, especially casual sex. Eddie has been shown as someone who only has sex within a relationship (for now we don’t know if he slept with Kim, so I’m leaving her out of this for a moment). He obviously liked sex with Shannon, but with Ana there were a lot of problems. We never even saw them kissing and he got actual panic attacks. He seems to enjoy sex with Marisol up to a certain point, but when it gets to be too much (with the whole Catholic guilt thing), he runs away to Buck’s loft. Very ‘heterosexual’ of him by the way. 0_O
I’m going to quote @buddiebeginz here, because she said something really interesting when we were talking about this topic earlier:
“I don’t think it’s so much that the show is trying to drive home how straight Eddie is but rather what we’re seeing and feeling is Eddie trying to fit some role. And I do feel like some of this is connected to Buck coming out to Eddie, Eddie having spent time with Tommy, Eddie seeing Buck and Tommy together, Eddie seeing Buck come out to everyone. There’s a reason why we haven’t previously seen Eddie with women as often in the show, especially when it comes to sex. In fact before this season I think we only really saw him in bed with Shannon which is another reason I think he’s trying to push himself right now with Marisol.
I also think that’s part of why the stuff with Shannon is coming back up. I think Eddie is pushing himself with Marisol like he did with Ana deluding himself into thinking it’s what he wants because it’s what he thinks he’s supposed to have. But because he’s not happy he latches on to what is familiar which is the only love he ever knew which is Shannon.”
So basically it’s almost as if he is pushing himself to ‘fit’ into a mold that hasn’t felt ‘right’ for a very long time now.
His life is unravelling as we speak and pretty soon he is going to hit rock bottom, nowhere left to hide. It’s only then that he’ll be forced to look at his life, the decisions he made and the way he forced himself to get out there and find a new wife and ‘mother’ for Chris.
In an earlier interview Ryan said that Eddie was going to feel isolated by the end of season 7, going into season 8. But eventually he would recover and get a fresh start in life. It would only make narrative sense to naturally progress the story they have been telling for almost six seasons now, Eddie’s perfect partner isn’t a woman at all. It’s Buck. Just as Buck’s perfect partner has been Eddie all along.
Ryan literally said that 'If we live in the truth, whatever happens, happens.' That is not the answer of someone shutting down the ship forever, or shutting down speculation. That is the answer of someone who is more than willing to go there and sees a potential future there for his character.
Right now he is giving the same answers Oliver is. Answers about not wanting to stereotype, how Buddie should happen 'naturally' if it were to happen. I'm almost certain that they sat together in a room with Tim and PR people somewhere before season 7 and post Buck's bisexual outing and agreed on the same vague but honest Buddie answers. The fact that ABC is actively allowing all of these Buddie questions during interviews and Buddie articles is wild. Fox would have never!
Not to mention the show itself. They made the very interesting choice to consistently put Eddie in the Buck/Tommy narrative. He keeps popping up where they are. There is most certainly a reason for that. We'll just have to let the story play out to see what that reason was.
Look, my point is that they’ll get there in the end. Sure, it will take some time, but we've been waiting for so many years now. What's another year? I’m more than willing to wait a little longer. The pay-off will be incredible.
#buddie#eddie diaz#evan buckley#buddie speculation#buddie meta#still securely riding the Buddie train#destination endgame#nonnies galore
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Caught, part 19
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19
Word count: 432
Content: NSFW — mdni, gender neutral reader, no y/n, second person POV, voyeurism, anal, masturbation, misuse of devil’s fruit powers, man musk, pillow humping, auralism, degradation
Tag list: @hey-august, @bbnbhm, @genius---jester, @lostfirefly, @ane5e
——
The walk to the bar was quiet, but not unpleasant. Strangely, Buggy kept his hands clasped behind his back as he walked. Also, you kept feeling Buggy’s eyes on you, but when you turned to him, he would be looking away. You snickered to yourself.
“What?” he asked.
“You’re silly. That’s all.”
Buggy smiled at the ground as you both continued walking. “‘Silly,’ ‘dapper…’ What will you call me next?”
You bit back a slew of other descriptors for him, too nervous to frighten him off with showers of praise. “I’ll think of something,” you promised. “Maybe I’ll even come up with a weird sign/sound combo like you did.”
Buggy chuckled and shook his head. “I didn’t think someone as nice as you would be so rude.”
“Oh, ‘weird’ is hardly rude… You want to know something actually rude?”
“Hit me.”
“Sometimes I pretend I don't know what you're talking about just because your reactions are funny.”
Buggy scoffed, then laughed. “That is rude! How dare you!” Buggy squinted at you. “What other secrets are you keeping?”
At the mention of the word “secrets,” you became nervous. You had plenty: you secretly liked him, you secretly drew him, you secretly listened outside his door, you secretly touched yourself to the thought of him… You swallowed and willed your voice to be even as you said, “That’s all for now.”
“Yeah, right,” he muttered, still peering at you. “Whatever, I’ll let you off the hook tonight, just ‘cause you found somewhere to party.”
“Thank goodness,” you automatically said. Hopefully it came off as sarcastic. It was a good time for a change of subject. “What do you plan to do tonight? Are you still going to drink after getting sick earlier?”
“Psh, yeah,” he said, as if the question were very dumb. “Gonna get sloshed, stuff myself with food, and dance the night away. So, the usual. What about you?”
“Same deal,” you said. There was a bit of an awkward silence as you tried to gather the courage to ask something. Then you both spoke at once.
“Can I—”
“Would you—”
“Go ahead,” you said quickly, grateful for the interruption.
Buggy hesitated, then mumbled, “Would you, uh… Would you wanna… Maybe…”
Just then, Cabaji rushed up to the two of you on his unicycle. “Captain! Captain, sorry to interrupt. We need your help. Please, follow me!”
Buggy groaned, gave you an apologetic half-smile, and followed Cabaji at a jog. Cabaji hadn't looked worried or upset, so you weren't sure what was going on. What was Buggy going to ask you, anyway?
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Daddy's Hurt
Pairing: past Dean x Reader, Reader x Henry (OC)
Word count: 1,902
Warnings: Character death, angst
Read on AO3
Quitting hunting once you saw that little pink plus sign wasn’t hard.
Quitting drinking in the same breath wasn’t hard.
Quitting the all nighters wasn’t hard.
Quitting Dean Winchester? Now that, was hard. In all honesty, it was the hardest thing you’d ever done in your life. You’d had your fair share of hospital stays, losing friends and family, watching innocent people die, and more.
Your son was just a year old when things went to hell. Thankfully, not literally, but it sure felt like it. “Dean, I can’t do this!” You hissed. “I can’t see you here and there. I can’t feel like a single mother while you’re out there.”
He shot you a look. “I’m trying here, Y/N!” He snapped. “I’m trying to hunt down Amara, I’m trying to keep hunting, I’m trying to be the best father I can, and I’m running myself into the damn ground!” Dean said through clenched teeth.
Tearing up, you shook your head. “You don’t get it, do you?” You breathed. “I get that you’re working hard. I get that you’re trying, but I feel like we’re the last on your list. Hunting, Amara, Sam, Baby, everything comes before me. Before Drew. And that’s not fair to him.”
Sipping his beer, he sighed. “I don’t know what you want from me.” He shrugged.
“Nothing, Dean. I guess I want nothing.” You said, an ache in your chest. “I’m moving into a spare room.”
You and Dean still found your way into each other’s arms at night from time to time. Your stomach always twisted with guilt and confusion after. Months passed with this happening, each time you told yourself it was the last time. Then he’d smile at you, say the right words, and you’d give in.
Finally, when your son was 2 ½, you couldn’t do it anymore. Not after he accidentally called you while chatting some waitress up. They got back to find all your things packed, waiting to be moved to your car. “You know he probably did it on purpose. He wanted to make you jealous!” Sam told you, a sad attempt as his pleading to get you and Drew to stay. “He loves you, and misses you.”
Rolling your eyes, you buckled your toddler into his seat and stood up straight to look at Sam. “You’re one of my best friends, and I love you. However, you’re full of shit when it comes to this. Your brother doesn’t miss me, we both know it. He’s too busy being Dean.” You told him, and you could see it in his eyes that he knew you were right.
“I hope you aren’t going far?” Sam pouted.
You shut the car door and pulled him into a hug. “No, Drew deserves to be near his Daddy and Uncle Sammy.” You assured him. “I got a little apartment about fifteen minutes from here, and a part time job at a grocery store. Was able to get him into a daycare nearby that.” You shrugged. “And we’ll come by now and then. You’ll be able to come over, too, once my apartment is set up.”
Sam gave you another hug, squeezing you lightly. “I’ll come crash on your couch.” He teased you, the idea making you chuckle. “Go on. I’ll go take care of the grumpy one.” He motioned to where Dean was at the bunker door, sulking. His arms were crossed as he watched you glance his way, and then quickly turn to get in your car. He’d reluctantly said goodbye to his son, and he hated it. But, he also knew that you had your reasons. Sam was right. Dean loved you- a lot, but he was no good for you.
As you pulled away from the bunker, his green eyes watched your car until he could no longer see it. “It’s better this way.” Dean muttered as Sam neared.
“You’re an idiot.” Sam snapped, shaking his head.
Things were tense at first, between you and Dean, but you made things work for Drew. You had to. Simply because things didn’t work out between you and his father, didn’t mean he didn’t deserve the best of both of you.
Slowly, you got used to living in the community, made friends, and finally…moved on from Dean. You met a local mechanic named Henry, and the pair of you hit it off right away. Dean didn’t hold, back, either. When he had Drew for a weekend, and you were out with Henry, he would call. Constantly. And you couldn’t ignore him because he had your son. Thankfully, Henry understood. He had a five year old daughter, and a less than stellar ex-wife.
It wasn’t until Drew’s sixth birthday when the two men shook hands, and let the past remain there. You had been with Henry three years, and saw a future with him. Hoped for a future with him, and finally having Dean accept that meant a lot to you.
“Hey, I gotta hit the road.” He told you.
You rolled your eyes. “What, was shaking Henry’s hand too much for you?” You asked sarcastically.
He shook his head. “No, I meant that. I want to be your friend, not just the man you co-parent with. If Henry comes with it, so be it.” He shrugged, surprising you. “No, uh, Jody called. Her and Claire need some help with a bad vamp’s nest.” He kept his voice low. “Sam’s saying goodbye to the birthday boy right now.”
“As long as you come home in one piece.” You told him.
“Don’t I always?” He smirked. “Later, Y/N. You knocked this party out of the park.” He complimented you, but you heard the ache in his voice.
He turned to go, but you stopped him. “Dean?” He turned to you, a questioning look on his face. “You knock being his daddy out of the park.” His face lit up, and you knew how much that meant to him.
Walking into the living room, you stretched and flopped on the couch. “As soon as Dean is back from his business trip, he can have Drew for a couple days.” You chuckled to Henry as he ran his hand through your hair. “Kid is like a wind up toy when he’s tired. How does that even work?”
Henry shrugged. “Miley is still like that, and she’s 8.” He smiled down at you. “We’ll make it through, we have each other.” He said lovingly.
“Yeah, we do.” You smiled up at him before your phone rang. Reaching over, you grabbed it from the coffee table and fear struck you when you saw Jody’s name. You sat up as you answered it. “Jody?” You asked, your voice wavering.
“Hey, Y/N.” She said softly, and you could hear beeping behind her. “I-I wanted to call and tell you myself.”
“Tell me what?” You were dreading the words that you’d feared hearing for years.
She let out a breath before answering. “Dean’s in a coma.” She told you, and you could hear the tears. “I’m sorry I had to tell you, but I thought it would be better coming from me than some doctor.”
Tearing up, you nodded. “Y-yeah. Thanks, Jody.” You licked your lips. “I’m glad you’re okay. What about Claire, and Sam?” You worried. Feeling Henry rub your back, you glanced at him, seeing a concerned look on his face.
“Sam needed a few stitches, Claire has a broken arm, and I have a minor concussion.” She explained as if it was no big deal. You could just picture her shrugging. “But, you know Dean.” She sighed.
“Yeah, I do.” You agreed. “Keep me up to date?” You asked, knowing that there was no way to just call off work and make the trek to whatever state they were in. “I’m gonna let you get some rest, though, Jody.”
“He’ll be okay. Always is.” She told you. “Night, sweetheart.”
Once the two of you hung up, your hand dropped to your lap, your eyes staring a head, although you didn’t see a damn thing. “Babe?” Henry asked quietly. However, all around his simple question, you felt your world coming down around you. Three years, and now the truth would come out. You weren’t just some normal mother. Your ex wasn’t some guy who traveled for business. You were hunters, and although you hadn’t hunted in years, it was part of your soul.
Taking a deep breath, you looked down. “Dean’s in a coma.” You told him.
“What happened?” He asked, worried.
Letting out a sick chuckle, you shook your head, looking at him. “I’m sorry.” You told him. “To answer that, I’m going to have to tell you everything I’ve kept hidden.”
He pulled his hand away, furrowing his brows. “What are you talking about?”
“You’ve never wondered why we’ve never mentioned what Dean does when he’s away on business? Or what I did before I worked at the store?” You saw the gears working in his brain. “It’s because he’s a hunter.” He looked at you like you were insane. “Vampires, werewolves, all real. Well, Jody called him and Sam in to help with a vamp’s nest- a gathering of vampires basically. They all got hurt, and Dean’s in a coma.”
Henry stared at you. “You’re kidding me, right?”
Shaking your head, you proceeded to explain about everything, even pulling out a trunk with all your old hunting gear, and your old journal.
The next morning, it was clear that you were beyond exhausted. Henry walked out the night before. Miley was with her mother, so he said he’d be back for what things they kept at your house. Hearing small feet, you looked over to see Drew coming in. The bedhead and eyes he got from his father pulling at your heartstrings, and threatening to make more tears fall. “Mommy, what’s wrong?” He asked when he looked up, tilting his head to the side.
Swallowing, you slid off the stool you were on and crouched. “Baby, Daddy’s hurt.” You told him, taking his little hands in yours. His little green eyes widened with fear. “He was with Aunt Jody, Uncle Sam, and Claire. And there was an accident.”
“Is Daddy okay?!” He whimpered, tears filling his eyes, breaking your heart.
How did you explain this to a 6 year old? “Daddy’s having a hard time waking up.” That was the best way you could think to put it. “He’s in the hospital, but Aunt Jody promised to tell mommy what’s going on.”
He wrapped his arms around your neck. “What if Daddy doesn’t wake up?!” He sobbed.
You rubbed his back, wishing you could take his worry and pain away. “Daddy’s tough. He’ll be okay.”
In the two days since Jody called, you’d spent all your time with Drew when you weren’t at work. He wanted to make his daddy as many crafts as he could for when he came back. He was currently eating his snack and watching his favorite cartoon while you worked on laundry, making the house feel oddly normal considering.
As you leaned down to pull the clothes from the dryer, you felt your phone vibrating and pulled it from your pocket. “Hello?” You answered, figuring it was Henry, wanting to get the last of his things.
“Y/N.” Sam breathed, making you freeze. “D-dean didn’t make it.” He choked out.
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Hey uh @ people with ME/CFS I got a question...
Everything I've read and heard about kinda seems to go hard on the idea that over-exerting yourself tends to lead to exhaustion that just never gets better at all no matter how long you rest after, and like I always assumed I didn't have it, because yeah overexerting myself tends to make me way more exhausted than is does other people and the exhaustion lasts like, a week or more sometimes, but it does eventually get better.
Like last weekend I went shopping for my birthday and also to an art gallery, and then I did a few small errands, and I conserved my energy as best I could, resting often, using mobility aids, ect, but I had to spend Mon-Fri in bed doing basically nothing aside from watching youtube, listening to music, and playing tetris because that was all I had the physical and mental energy to do. And granted that was dragged out a little because I had to go to the ER on Wednesday due to a migraine that got triggered by all this(bcs overexerting myself almost always triggers a migraine) and on Tuesday I sat in the car while we took my cat to the vet for a quick nail trim, but aside from that I just rested and even though I am feeling a bit better today I'm still just SO fucking tired and I know I'm going to have to take it easy for a few days more just to be sure I'm okay.
Which like, idk doesn't sound normal, that's for fucking sure, but I do know that with enough rest eventually I will return to my normal, which isn't everyone else's normal but is still normal enough that I can make myself easy meals and sit at my desk and talk to people and make phone calls and run errands without it killing me too badly.
But like idk my doctors seem convinced that I don't have any kind of autoimmune condition(although they haven't actually ran any tests they just keep insisting I'm not showing the signs of one and to keep up with physical therapy even when I tell them that just going clothes shopping for a few hours puts me on bedrest for the next 2-3 days) but idk again this does NOT seem normal. I legit feel SICK sometimes when I push myself too hard, like I think I'm coming down with a cold or something but it never actually turns into one, I just have that "eugh" sick feeling for a day or two and then it goes away once I've rested enough(also for clarification I never get any real cold/illness symptoms like a temperature and I mask literally everywhere and this ONLY happens after exertion so I don't think I'm actually getting sick). I also don't usually feel rested when I sleep but I always chalked that up to the insomnia more than anything?? But it does happen even when I have a good night's sleep with no tossing and turning or nightmares...
Anyway if anyone who does have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome could maybe explain to me what it's like for them I would appreciate it because idk what else could possibly be going on with me but I am so fucking tired of my doctors acting like there is nothing wrong. It might not be ME/CFS, and I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia so maybe this is all just that? So I also wouldn't mind if someone who has fibro can tell me if this is all just fibro stuff. But idk I just want to know for sure, you know? (If it helps in addition to the fibro I also have arthritis, hEDS, orthostatic Intollerance, and occipital neuralgia.)
#actually disabled#chronic fatigue syndrome#me/cfs#fibromyalgia#I'm legit scared to go back to PT bcs they usually want me to come in twice a week and I honestly don't know#if I am physically capable of doing that in the first place
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AU where Spinner and Shigaraki both knows Japanese Sign Language. Fragmented excerpts.
•
The moment the Stain cosplayer appeared in the room, Tomura knew there was going to be a problem.
Kurogiri knew this too, which was why he leaned towards Tomura and murmured, “Please allow him a chance.”
“Shut up,” Tomura said. “I know.”
He had decided to use all aspects of Stain - his image, his popularity, his philosophy - for his own ends. That still didn’t mean Tomura liked the guy one bit. That he had to tolerate any mention of Stain made his neck burn harder with the itch, and in assigning the blame to Stain, made him hate the man even more.
The second problem came when the cosplayer stepped up to him, and Tomura spoke.
“Real name?”
It took a moment for the cosplayer to answer. And when he did…
“I’m Spinner!” Spinner jabbed a thumb at himself. “I’m here to make Stain’s dreams a reality. I live according to his will.”
Tomura gave himself a second to suppress the desire to literally kick Spinner out. Loudly, he bit out his question again. “I said, real name.”
“Oh.” Spinner froze, his shoulders lowering slightly. The pomposity was replaced with guardedness. “Iguchi Shuuichi.”
Weird guy, Tomura thought. The way his bravado faded all of a sudden. He already knew Iguchi - Spinner - was going to be an ostentatious pain-in-the-butt, but the act disappeared much too quickly.
“Quir–” Tomura barely finished the word before Spinner spoke again.
“My quirk is… Gecko. I can climb on anything. My hands and feet can stick to basically any surface.” Spinner touched the sword at the back of his waist. “But I know how to use a knife. I can handle myself in a fight.”
Tomura considered this. Judging by the lack of details, what Spinner said about his quirk was probably the full extent of what he could do. Fighting with a knife was insufficient against most Heroes, but not entirely useless - quite a few Heroes suck at close-range combat. Tomura knew better than anyone - be fast, get close, one touch, one stab - and you’ve got a dead man.
Out of nowhere, Spinner started talking again. “Stain was right about false Heroes! There needs to be a purge. All the Heroes who only care about money, about fame, about their image—”
“No one asked,” Tomura growled. “Shut up.”
But Spinner continued, completely ignoring Tomura. “—weeded out for a True Hero Society. I—”
Tomura lost all his patience. He pointed at the door, and only then did Spinner falter and stop. “That’s it. Get out.”
Spinner looked at the Tomura’s hand, then turn to glance at the door. As if there was any ambiguity in Tomura’s order.
“Shigaraki Tomura,” Kurogiri said. “Look at his ears.”
He doesn’t have any, was Tomura’s first thought. Fitting, because nothing seemed to—
Tomura paused.
While ears - probably would be green and scaly like the rest of Spinner? - didn’t exist, there were something like earbuds on both sides of Spinner’s head. His eye-mask nearly hid them away, but something peach-colored did barely poked out from underneath the mask.
“Huh." Tomura understood. But even if he did, did he really want such an annoying guy around? Someone who couldn't be upfront… but did had the guts to still show up.
Making a decision, Tomura mentally reached into the depths of his head, and pulled out a rusty, shaky skill that he hadn’t used in a while. But it should be enough.
『O-I,』 Tomura fingerspelled, and privately enjoyed the way Spinner’s eyes grew wide and round and huge. 『Can you sign?』
Spinner nodded, just a single, slow nod. 『Yes.』
“Good,” Tomura said, giving a shake of his fist in front of his face. “So get out.”
“Shigaraki Tomura,” Kurogiri said, even though the terrified look on Spinner’s face was funny.
“If he needed to use sign language,” Tomura said, translating everything into movements of hands. “He should’ve said so from the start.”
Spinner regained his bearings, and began to sign too. 『I didn’t think…』 He paused, and started over, this time talking as well. “How was I supposed to know?”
“Write it on a piece of paper then,” Tomura snapped. “You’ve been wasting everyone’s time.”
Kurogiri cut in. “If all misunderstandings have been cleared up, then why don’t we start over?”
Spinner averted his eyes, flushing. The scales on his cheeks can apparently turn slightly pink. “Fine.” Then, with the tightest and tiniest of movements, he signed, 『Sorry.』
“Shut up about Stain too,” Tomura warned. Curling his thumb and index finger, he made a sign, tapping his hand against his shoulder thrice.
“Name?”
…
“How?” Spinner said, while he signed the rest of his question. 『How do you know how?』
Tomura ignored it. “So? Are you deaf?”
“…Hard-of-hearing,” Spinner said as he signed, with much reluctance. “It's my quirk. I have trouble with low voices. Men’s voices in general. Sounds that are too soft.”
“Even with hearing aids?”
“They help, but…” Spinner shrugged. “Not much.”
Tomura glanced at the peach-colored hearing aids. Couldn’t even afford to get ones that match his color.
“Did you hear anything I said?”
“A word here and there.” Spinner frowned. “And you have that– mask, so I can’t see your mouth! I couldn’t read you at all!” He gave Kurogiri a brief look, and Tomura remembered that, yeah, Kurogiri didn’t have a visible mouth. Or any facial features besides his wispy eyes.
In that regard, Kurogiri wasn’t unique. There were heteromorphs who just didn’t have mouths or any means to speak, so they became sign language users. But overall, most sign language users were deaf, and wore implants. And the majority weren’t heteromorphs. So speech and speechreading reigned over pure signing.
The sign language officially taught in Japan had existed since the pre-Advent days, and then some. It largely followed spoken grammar and structure, so it wasn’t too hard matching signs to words, though Spinner sometimes skipped over his spoken words, and had a tendency to just trail off halfway as his hands finished the sentence.
Spinner signed with accents, too. Hokkaido signs popped up here and there, but his main accent was from his claws. His signs were careful, reserved, unwilling to take up too much space. The fists he made were loose; it was his claw tips that touched, rather than his fingertips.
Watching those claws was interesting.
“How do you know sign language?” Spinner asked again, though this time his demeanor was more demanding.
“Multilingualism,” Tomura said.
“Are you also–”
“No, I’m not deaf or hard-of-hearing.” Tomura huffed. “Don’t be so surprised. Hearing people can learn it, you know.”
Tomura moved on. “Spinner. Why do you want to join the League of Villains? Nothing about Stain. Why do you want to join?”
Spinner took his time answering. He looked at his hands, as if reading the scales on his palm and claws at his fingertips. Reading the history of his life recorded upon them.
When he finally looked back at Tomura, it was with no uncertainty, and no false front. Only true conviction. Each sign he made was clear, each word he spoke enunciated.
“I want to change the world.”
…
…
…
Five fingers, and anything he touched got decayed. He pinched things as if he was a germaphobe. He held his consoles with his pinkies sticking out. For a firm and tight grip, he doesn’t use his index finger.
Only when Tomura signs, can he make use of all his fingers.
...
...
...
(Spinaraki occurs, as in canon. Fine, also add a bit more spinaraki. Then jumping alllllllll the way to Act III, at Mt. Fuji)
He touched his left hand to the ground, flat with all five fingers, that was all that's needed—and then indulged the whim to use his right hand as well. But only his index finger: touching the ground where the fingers of his left hand are resting. He drew a line outwards, across the cracking earth. The word; the promise, the dream, finally made real.
The horizon.
Spinner, Tomura thought. It’s here.
•
Notes:
All signs that are described are accurate Japanese Sign Language.
The sign Shigaraki uses for 'name' is Kansai dialect.
••• I headcanon Shigaraki having grown up in Kansai - that's where Jaku and the hospital and the Doc is; where there was once also a town named Shigaraki (different characters tho), in the former Koka district (using the same character as AFO's Koga Construction company...).
irl, lizards have a hearing range of 100Hz and 10kHz. Humans have a range of 20Hz and 20kHz. So people can hear a wider range of pitches than lizards - like low voices. Spinner's quirk is Gecko, so...
In this AU, for a few years after being picked up by AFO, Tenko/Tomura continued to be mute due to trauma. So he was taught JSL.
The sign for horizon in JSL
#Spinaraki#Spinneraki#Spinner#Iguchi Shuuichi#Shigaraki Tomura#fanfic#AU#AU idea#fanfiction#nalwrites#nalslastworkingbraincell#i have sooooo many WIPs#lots of Spinaraki#might start dumping it all out#my attack on canon
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tw. rant beneath the cut.
with the amount of anti dark content posts going around i might just start trolling people because good god, even if i love arranged marriage au's do i have problems with it outside of fandom spaces.
maybe i should go out there with all that horrific bluster those users seem to hold and detail how people are problematic for liking arranged marriage au's. oh you like arranged marriage fluff? you're 'normalizing problematic content' then and thus, you deserve to be called out and mass reported.
'but it's not that problematic'
sweetie, most of my issues stem from the fact that my parents hated each other due to a forced marriage. i grew up in a country where marital abuse is normal. where men and women are forced to marry each other, either subtly or outright. i was almost sold off if i hadn't passed my 12th grade papers and any fucking report over it would have been met with an "aiyo putta but if you don't go to university then what will you do? getting married is the next best option, no?"
sure anna. i guess i'll just roll over and die then.
if you like arranged marriages as a trope, great! so do i! but there is a deep seated hypocrisy where some problematic tropes are accepted, especially in western spaces, because they are so disconnected from the issues these tropes entail. i'll be straight up. if you are not fond fictional incest, non con and other dark content, that's okay. we have preferences. filter your tags. curate your experiences. stay safe. real predators aren't so outright. i'm not a fan of incest myself and content with that stuff is blocked and ignored with little fuss.
but if you go about making whole callout posts for people who do, actively censoring and mass reporting their accounts instead of blocking and moving on, but then turn gush over an 'arranged marriage au fluff' with ayato then good god look at a mirror because you are not at a moral high ground for liking a trope with less moral implications in fics.
if you did care about people irl, you would be looking into it.
you would be renouncing a good chunk of 'acceptable fanfic tropes'.
you would be renouncing fanfic as a whole because it's just as fucking illegal as incest and smut and dark content. or need i remind you of the number of petitions people keep signing to stop the law from suing fandoms?
because a lot of these tropes? well they are still 'issues irl' as you so like to put it. i could get into the nitty gritty of arranged marriages in this country and how messy they can get. but i won't. i know you enjoying this trope is purely in a fictional set up, that you won't condone it in real life.
but you won't. you'll cherry pick what's okay with you. you'll keep screaming at the top of your voice. do it. you'll be blocked by most of the good creators on this site. you'll have your little space of haters and you can stay in that corner while we go about our lives and ignore you.
this is the first and last time i'm posting about this. i'm not keen on censoring any content. neil gaiman said it the best. 'the law is a blunt instrument. it's not a scalpel, it's a club'.
#&&. rambles !!#tw. dark content#tw. disk horse#tw. discourse#tw. dark content discourse#fandom#anti censorship
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Hey, I saw the DID post, and as someone who is plural, he doesn't show any signs. I have an inkling that it *might* have stemmed from that literal ONE scene where he was dissociating after killing Cazador. I appreciate you pushing against it, means a lot <3
Hello there, Petals!
That's what I thought, he's just so far removed from everything I've learned about DID, I can scarcely believe someone would come to that conclusion and it's nice to know that someone who's a lot more in the know agrees!
If they truly based it on that one scene then, Jesus, that's some weak evidence. But it's Tiktok, folks there have come up with theories based on much less so I think you might be correct!
To be completely honest with you, I'm so interested to know what they actually based that claim on, I've been trying to find one of those videos, haha. I need to see that travesty for myself because I need to understand how someone would draw that wild conclusion.
And lastly: Of course, dearie, I shall push back any potential bullshit I come across!
I may be a bit difficult in that regard, haha, but I have an issue with misrepresentation. I really can't stand it!
So many disorders are so heavily stigmatised by the media and anything surrounding it and that just makes life harder for those that are actually affected because, of course, the general public draws on the little information mainstream media grants them. A never ending vicious circle that is just so unnecessary!
Anyway, pardon the little rant towards the end - it really grinds my gears 👉🏻👈🏻 - and I hope you have a very lovely day!
#also if someone stumbles across that travesty of a tiktok feel free to hit me up with a link#i'm really curious and who knows maybe there is more to talk about once we've seen their reasoning!#the dark urge#bg3#baldur's gate 3#baldurs gate 3#baldur's gate#baldurs gate#astarion#astarion ancunin
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the true problem with getting into wolf 359 in the year of out lord 2024 is that the show ended like 7 years ago and the fandom is like 12 people all sitting around on plastic lawn chairs. you want content? you have to make the content.
#i did know what i was signing myself up for#anway sorry to anyone who followed me for non w359 posts#tbis is a w359 blog now </3#wolf 359#w359#kiwi relistens
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stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!
wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end
#yeah im too sleepy to revise this. UNFILTERED posting wooahh#some may b shocked but i do actually read thru most of my posts several times to make sure i didnt accidentally write mein kampfe 2#recently ive come to the realization that i am in fact not an incredibly chill person#and that the constant paranoia and fear in which i live my life is actually PROBABLY a symptom of severe anxiety#like damn. ive always known that im pretty prone to depression but ive preetty much always been aware of that#my mom is a chronic depressive so i know the symptoms i know the signs i have a pretty good arsenal of healthy coping mechanisms#UNFORTUNATELY mommy's mental health problems did not help her not abuse me as a child#so i ended up being a terribly anxious kid who was constantly being screamed at and told i was overreacting (because i was. because i had#a severe anxiety problem that was making me react irrationally.) to everything all the time#which is you know. it is VERY difficult to deal with a mental health problem when you arent aware you have a problem!#its incredible how much. better. my life has gotten since i figured this out and started actively trying to work out what triggers it#and being able to like. realize 'oookay. there is an Issue here and it needs to be overcome'#instead of just beating on myself constantly for not being able to do things without feeling sick or getting breathing problems!#anyways. trauma dumping in tags is over now!#house md#hilson#greg house#james wilson#stacy warner
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I WANNA GET HIS NUMBER
#sou's thoughts#hi here to give context down here#i've been going to this badminton club#and there's this super sweet guy who i admire sm#bc i don't speak chinese at all and people keep assuming i do but never remember that i don't#BUT HE REMEMBERED I DON'T and even goes as far as speaking english for me and translating#like this lady started speaking to me in chinese and i was so lost BUT HE WAS NEARBY AND TRANSLATED FOR ME#school starts soon so tomorrow's my last day#since wechat won't work (mf won't let me sign up) i'm gonna ask for his number#also i wanna try do more small talk !!#idek his age yet and what he does i just know how long he's played#but he's super fun to play with so i want to invite him if i ever book courts during the term#he's literally my role model#i wanna make someone feel that welcome bc before i spoke to him i felt so left out#and kept telling myself that i should just push through and make use of being able to play with new people#now i've been so excited to go and speak to new people#anyways long ass ramble but wish me luck !!#ngl last time i made friends outside of school i did it by trading parent numbers#SO LIIIIIKE#i'm nervous
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I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck
#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i#in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where#i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever#i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at#and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like#everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd .#just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up#not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until#i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg#the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was#i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different#well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl#i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool
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fr tho i think SLTs is actually such a good concept because im just thinking like yes we had the biology sex education of hormones are a thing and if you dont use a condom this is what your penis will look like but if anyone ANYONE had been open with me about what sexualities are and how they feel then maybe someone wouldve said 'hey this is something that you actually feel its not a thinking thing and yes, some people actually DO start this early. if you dont relate maybe look into the words asexual and aromantic' then i would have maybe felt less like a freak and not forced myself through both guys and girls trying to find something that actually felt right because right now nobody talks about it especially not when it comes to teenagers which is fair enough but also it really really would have been beneficial to me and im sure other people if it was discussed in a respectful controlled manner
#sorry if anyone doesnt know what SLTs is its a reference to heartbreak high#like i come from a very progressive open left family and surroundings#my school had p much a 0 tolerance policy for all things discrimination#yes we had a gsa but you dont sign up for that unless you already know something is up#so like i knew about the gay straight bisexual everything#and i even knew the word asexual#but since nobody ever actually explained anything about anything i just figured oh whatever itll happen im only 15 anyway#and ESPECIALLY on being aro i didnt know that was a thing and even if i did i never would have identified myself if it wasnt for tumblr#heartbreak high#idk if i should tag that#asexual#aromantic#aroace
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