#i could go on for hours about why i’m fundamentally a dannie but we don’t have that time lmao
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dannies are like “yeah i know i have the worst taste. don’t worry i know i’m garbage. also sorry for having a lesbian crush on dan howell idk how to explain it he’s just my wife sometimes. also i hate him but it’s only ok for me to hate him btw. i’m very ashamed but sadly i was just born this way and lady gaga told me to love myself the way i was born but i make it pretty fucking hard to do that. dan is an annoying dumb whiny bitch and he’s everything to me. phil is a god and deserves to be worshipped as such i just belong in the trash bin with dan. it’s where i was born it’s where i grew up and its where i will die. its who i am inside and out to my core. i cannot tell you what this man means to me. he’s so stupid and he owns my heart. every time he talks i scream SHUT UP at my phone and here’s his handwriting tattooed on my arm. love is love okay and god has cursed me to love a cringefail whore that’s just the way it is. yeah ‘embrace the void and have the courage to exist’ was my senior quote so what. what about it. let me have inferior taste. yknow what why are you interrogating me” and honestly we’re so real for that
#/j#dannies unite#i don’t have his handwriting tattooed on my arm#nor did i have a senior quote#but otherwise that’s all my#i could go on for hours about why i’m fundamentally a dannie but we don’t have that time lmao#i have an autograph from dnp that my friend got me when she met them and she was like “i made sure to have dan write it”#and i cried so fucking hard and his handwriting is so fucking awful#dnp#yeet my deet#dan and phil#phan#dan howell#daniel howell#danisnotonfire#danandphilgames#amazingphil#phil lester#phannies#phillies#dannies#fandom culture#phandom sociology#sister daniel is my wife and you’re a hater#yeet my deenp
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andante
Pairing: Cordelia Goode x Reader
Prompt: oK so how about like?? Delia x reader and they're both in love af but they think the other has no feelings for them so they're both tripping over themselves to make the other love them and then madison comes in and she's just like 'stop being dumb' and they finally realise how much the other loves them.
I’m sorry but my ed crept back in and im not horny enough to put more thought into writing so just ignore the massive time skip at “---”. enjoy, you strange people xo
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*(*❦ω❦)*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
It's crazy. Falling. You see? We don't say "rising into love". There is in it, the idea of the fall. And it goes back to extremely fundamental things. That there is always a curious tie at some point between the fall and the creation. Taking this ghastly risk is the condition of there being life. You see, for all life is an act of faith and an act of gamble...
Between Cordelia Goode's ears were pretty brown eyes and a mind full of thoughts. Brown eyes were never really your favourite until you saw them on her. You knew yourself that somehow, over the years you got to know Cordelia; working with her, befriending her, carrying her home from the bar one night when she got far too drunk, letting her cry into your shoulder when her job became too real and she could feel her mother's words hanging over her head.
When you started falling for the woman with those beautiful brown eyes.
Somehow, her eyes were now your favourite colour.
Not brown- brown wasn't simply the word for the colour. Cordelia's eyes were the colour of aged whiskey. Sometimes they were the only two safe shots of tequila that you could see. Sometimes they were a beautiful milk chocolate dotted with exposed honeycomb. Once when she had asked you to help her decorate the garden for the Summer Equinox- she had given Zoe enough money to take the girls on a field trip for the day so she could give the girls a little party. You stood watching her in her denim shorts and her white button up. When she had stepped back and put her arm around you to admire both of your handy work you could have sworn her eyes were glowing like fresh magma.
Her hand lay on your waist a split second too long.
You had fallen in love with the Supreme.
"Yo, bitch!" Madison Montgomery's usual entrance phrase disturbed you from your imagination. You raised your brow and smirked.
"Yes, Madison?"
The blonde took her sunglasses off her face and closed them with a slight snap. "The girls want to know if you wanna come to play Pysch! with us," she said. Her lips were curled in what could almost be described as a friendly smile. You were one of the few honoured to know that under Madison's bitchy white girl facade there was actually a very sweet someone lurking under there.
You thought for a moment and put your pen down. "I won't be long- I just have to log these last few names and I'll be there," you tell her. Madison rolled her eyes and waved her hand, the pen lifted itself and wrote the last thirteen names within seconds. "You're done. Let's go, Y/N."
Madison didn't even give you a minute to say anything before she walked out of the room. "Come on, bitch. Don't make me use my powers!" she called from the hallway, finally motivating you to move.
The girls sat in a circle in Zoe's bedroom. Lights off. Candles lit.
Zoe, Queenie, Mallory, and Coco were indulged in their phones for the game. Madison turned to you and held up her phone to show you the question. "What is Zoe's deepest, darkest secret?" she read. "You gotta answer it and the person with the most votes wins. It lasts for ten rounds and it can be fucking hilarious."
Zoe's face was red with laughter at the answers. "She's not actually a witch- that's not even funny," she gasped through cackles. She then sobered slightly. "She likes to watch Danny Devito movies while masturbating and screaming 'I am a dirty man'."
Madison was the only one who chortled at that.
You joined the game and got your best answers ready in your head. "If Madison got arrested tomorrow what would it be for?"
Madison rolled her eyes and muttered something about knowing exactly what everyone was about to answer. You smirked slightly, sensing her slight apprehension.
Prostitution.
Murder. Third-degree.
Fucking up the brakes on a bus full of frat boys.
Public Nudity.
"Gosh, you're so original," she muttered, glaring right at Zoe, who just shrugged.
"It's the rules of the game, bitch. Go all in, don't get offended," she replied.
The game pinged for the next question.
"What is on Y/N's mind right now?"
Coco gave a loud "Ha!" and typed quickly, along with the other girls who were all typing as quickly as possible to get their answers in first.
A quiet knock came from the other side of the door and Cordelia poked her head around. "Sorry to interrupt, girls. Y/N, could I borrow you for a moment?" she asked, voice sweet and angelic. You bounced up as soon as she finished the sentence and obliged straight away. You were met with a sweet smile.
Madison flicked her brows. "Speak of the devil," she muttered, winking at Delia's slightly confused face. As you left, your phone pinged to announce the results just before you left the game.
Cordelia 🥵🥵🥵
Delia. I ship it <3
Getting knuckle deep finger fucked by the HWIC
French fries
You quickly shut off your phone screen before Cordelia could see.
"What's the matter, Delia?" You asked, practically skipping alongside her. There was a vibrant air of satisfaction between you.
Cordelia shook her head, her blonde hair bobbing with her movements. “I just wanted to know if you’d like to go out.”
You felt your heart stop. “Go out?”
Cordelia looked hurt by the confusion on your face.
“Yes. Would you like to join me in the garden?”
“Oh,” you realised, slightly disappointed. “I would love to.”
---
"For the love of Hades. Right, I don’t mean to sound rude or anything because I have some understanding that lesbians are fucking useless because of the fear of appearing to be predatory because the media is an asshole,” Madison continued. “But I don’t really think any of us can eat at this table anymore without choking on the fucking sexual tension between the both of you.”
Cordelia looked shocked. “It’s not that-”
“I’m a fucking mindreader! You do get that I can fucking hear the things that you say in your head about what you want to do to Y/N? I’m one gutter minded bitch and not even I’m creative enough to come up with that shit while I’m eating my fucking apple turnover!”
You blushed hard and chuckled.
Madison’s neck snapped towards you. “Oh, and don’t getting me fucking started on you! Do you know how fucking unsanitary it would be to carry out your little fantasies of fucking Cordy on the kitchen counter? Not even for us but the amount of fucking crumbs that would work into your nooks and crannies would be like trying to spring clean Myrtle's fucking hair! "
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Cordelia chuckled nervously. Her face turning a shade of red. “I’m sure Y/N’s got plenty of better options.”
Madison dropped her face in her hands and rubbed her temples. “God, you bitches are going to put fucking years on my skin.”
“Oh, give me a break, Madison.”
Cordelia stumbled foward slightly, having been tripped up by some unseeable force and sending her tumbling into you. Her hands lay against your chest for that split second too long once more.
Your lips parted for a moment and your breath hitched as you both watched Madison smirk and leave the room. It felt like your heart was beating at a thousand miles an hour. You surroundings were unnoticable to you now; replaced by unidentifiable whirls of colour and light. Your hand rested flat on Cordelia’s cheek. It was different this time. Not the spark, that had been there every time you touched. It was the fact that you were both too slow to ignore the ignition that started in your chests.
You saw her eyebrows falter from their previously confident expression, like all of her preparation and barriers and walls had fallen down and she was too slow to replace them. Cordelia pursed her lips, presumably trying to figure out what she should say to you. Again, she was too slow as you inhaled sharply and thrust yourself forward to catch her lips.
Delia was quick to mould herself to the curves of your front, hands falling to the small of your back on a collision course as she backed you into the dining room table. You smoothed your hands over the contours of her jaw, her collar bones, breasts, hips like you were a master pianist playing a brilliant concerto. Her body was the only instrument you longed to play; her moans the only melody that you longed to draw from her.
As her lips glided across your own, everything came together like pieces into place. You thought back one of those late nights in the kitchen. The way Delia’s fingers had so enthusiastically laced through yours during the late night in the kitchen when you had both stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking about life. How the witch had turned the radio on and taken your hand while you danced to some song by REO Speedwagon. Twirling you through the night. “Can’t fight this feeling” was the song. Ironic, now that you thought about it. It seemed as though fighting her feelings was what she had been doing the entire time.
She twirled you around in the light of the dim television and the refrigerator when the songs were upbeat, even going as far as dipping you and pulling you up again. Bare thighs against your own in her shorts and oversized shirt. When the songs that were played were slower, she was more gentle. Until eventually you swayed in a slow two-step, your head against her chest, and hers against yours. The air was thick with something pure. Something untouched.
You had no idea why you ever just thought this was something two best friends did. More so, you had no idea why you didn’t lean back and dip into her lips and allow your souls to dance the waltz that they were so clearly destined for.
Cordelia’s thumb and finger lay on either side of your jaw as she continued to kiss you as if her soul depended on it. Her fingers interlocked with yours against the table.
She broke away, tears had fallen down her cheeks and made your heart melt. “Oh-ho,” you chuckled, mouth agape at her sight. “Why the tears, my love?”
Cordelia laughed, wiping away her tears. “I’ve longed to do that for so long,” she replied. “So, so long.”
You chuckled at her sweetness and the display of pure love that you were so unaccustomed to.
“I fell in love with you, Y/N. I don’t think I will ever stop falling in love with you. You’ve created this storm of beautiful chaos in me,” she continued. “Do you remember that night where I was really sleepy, so you let me just stay in your room? How I had fallen asleep on top of you by accident and you wrapped your arms around me and hummed a lullaby?”
You nodded, remember the feeling of waking up with the Supreme in your arms.
“I was wide awake,” she told you. A delicate smile arose.
You chuckled into her touch.
“Oh, sweetheart,” you replied, drawing her closer, her blonde hair twirled in your fingers. “I know you were.”
#ahs#ahs imagines#cordelia goode#cordelia foxx#cordelia goode x reader#cordelia foxx x reader#wilhemina venable#wilhemina venable x reader#billie dean howard#billie dean howard x reader#lana winters#lana winters x reader#sally mckenna#sally mckenna x reader
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Everything Was White Part 13
[see all chapters]
read on: [ffn] / [ao3]
General Warning: From this point on this fic is going to deal with reoccurring themes that may be triggering to some. Please check out the ao3 tags if you’re unsure.
---
Muffled voices pulled him from the comfort of unconsciousness, shaking his mind awake despite his feeble attempts to brush them off. For a moment, he thought about trying to tell the voices to keep it down, but that would have been too much effort, and he was so comfortable in this blanket and pillow…
…
…
...the voices rose in volume, this time gaining clarity, shape. Almost words. Close, but not quite. Not yet. Danny wasn’t ready. Five more minutes, he was so tired…
“...Danny…”
Wait.
What was that?
His eyes fluttered open, and he immediately took stock of his unfamiliar surroundings. He was...not in his bedroom. He was in his living room, on the couch where he must have fallen asleep after his almost mental breakdown over a glass of water.
How embarrassing. Danny hoped that no one spotted the water glass on the rug. Or, if they had, they hadn’t thought anything about it. Hadn’t figured out that it was on the floor because Danny tried to get water from the sink without using his wheelchair.
Maybe they wouldn’t connect the dots. Honestly, the thought of seeing that pitying expression on their faces as they watched him fail to do a stupidly simple task made him want to fall into a coma.
Oh well. He was awake now. Might as well go get something to eat to make his family and therapists proud.
Just as he was about to toss the blanket off his body, Jazz’s quiet voice sounded from the kitchen. “You can’t keep the truth from him forever.”
“We can, at least for now,” his dad said.
“It’s not going to work.”
Danny froze, the last of his fatigue zapped from his brain.
What truth? What were they talking about? What was going on in there?
He debated standing up and announcing his presence, but the blossoming sense of dread in his gut kept him still.
Whatever was going on, he had a sinking feeling that it was about him.
His mother spoke up. “We have to. It’s for his own safety.”
“It’s wrong,” Jazz countered. “It’s wrong to keep secrets like this.”
“I know, Jazz. But if we told Danny, he…”
His eyes widened, his breath catching in his throat.
Tell him what?
“Jazz, you have to understand. With Danny in the position that he’s in right now, there are just certain limitations that we need in this house in order to stay on top of his recovery,” Jack explained.
“But cutting him off from his core?”
It was as if he were punched in the gut. He clenched the blanket, balling the edges in his fists. His instincts were screaming at him to jump up and demand the truth, but he buried that part of him back down inside his mind.
They would never tell him. They didn’t trust him enough. He wasn’t human enough.
But they always trusted Jazz. They favored her. She was the ideal child with her perfect grades, perfect ambitions, perfect brain.
Even if they wouldn’t tell him, of course they would tell her.
“We have to do it, honey. We have no choice,” Maddie said.
“You see how he’s reacting to this though, right? He’s not himself.”
“We know, but it’s what needs to be done. He can’t be given access to his core, not right now.”
Why though, Dad? Tell me why...
“This is cruel,” Jazz said.
There was a brief pause, each second like a knife in Danny’s chest. He wanted so badly to snap, but he forced himself to stay still. To stay silent.
To listen.
There was a sigh, and Maddie broke the silence. “You have no idea how much it hurts us to see him like this. We know it isn’t right to keep a ghost from its core but...at the school that day. Jazz, I’ve never seen him like that. And it terrified me.”
Danny felt his blood drain from his face. His body turned ice cold.
He knew what they were talking about, and he assumed that that day was a distant memory in the past, something that would never be talked about again. And yet, here his parents were, digging up the most humiliating moment in Danny’s life, throwing it at his face like a weapon of why he couldn’t possibly be allowed his ghost half, why he needed to be shut off from himself.
“He’s come a long way since then.”
“Not long enough.”
They didn’t know. They didn’t understand what it was like. They weren’t there, they weren’t the ones who were cut open, who were beaten, who spent all day in and out looking at white walls, white floors, white suits, white ceilings, white equipment.
He hadn’t been himself that day at the school. He’d just come home from the hospital, he was coming off of a cocktail of heavy pain medication, he was physically exhausted from the PT and mentally exhausted from everything else.
Okay, so he snapped in the locker room. He’d been pushed back into school, pushed into being around people, pushed into acting normal, like nothing was wrong, and the world was warping around him and he just fell apart. He freaked out, he broke a mirror, Dash and Kwan found him, and he paid the consequences for it.
“I don’t think he’d do that again.”
“You don’t know that, Jazz.”
“But his Obsession—”
“It’s protection. Phantom will make him do whatever it can in order to protect itself. Even if that means…”
It.
The word echoed in Danny’s head.
You’re an it.
Something inside him cracked.
His vision glazed over, and suddenly the two students in Casper he’d hoped to never cross paths with again were standing over him, approaching cautiously, as if he were a wounded animal.
“Give me the glass, Danny,” Dash had said. “You don’t need it. Just give it to me, I’ll hang onto it for you. I’ll keep it safe.”
He looked down, and blood trickled through his fingers, splattering onto the white tile.
It was red. Why was it red?
Crack.
Maddie’s voice faded back into his consciousness. “We just can’t risk it.”
“So what, your genius idea is to keep lying to him about why you won’t take the chip out? Feed him some bullshit excuse about the lab? Danny’s a human but he’s also a ghost! You can’t keep him from his core and expect him to turn out okay!”
“We know that.”
“No, you clearly don’t!”
“Keep your voice down, hun. He’s asleep.”
“Then stop lying to him. Tell him the real reason why you won’t give him Phantom back.”
Danny couldn’t breathe.
His parents. The people who had gone to court for him, who fought so hard to get him home, who assured him that they’d go to the moon and back if it meant keeping him safe.
He trusted them.
And they...they just…
Crack.
“You know we can’t do that,” his father said. “You said it yourself, Danny’s just as much human as he is ghost. Ghosts don’t have the capacity to think rationally about something like that.”
They just…
“Kwan, get Lancer.”
He didn’t understand. Why were those two here?
“Please, give me the mirror, Danny.”
No, they didn’t get it. He needed this. This was the only thing he could do, it was the only way out. He couldn’t let Operative O take his body again.
“Danny...”
They were afraid, he realized. They thought he was going to hurt them. He was a rabid animal, wasn’t he? And they thought he would attack them?
Another drop of blood splashed onto the tile.
Crack.
Jazz scoffed. “I cannot believe you would just—”
“He’s fragile, Jazz!” Maddie protested. “Whatever happened in the government facility changed him. He’s not the same boy he used to be, something inside him is fundamentally different now. Frankly, we have no idea how that has affected his Obsession.”
His head spun.
They lied to him.
“What, so the better option is to just cut him off from his core altogether and force him to play human all day? Great plan, Mom.”
“If that’s what we need to do to keep him safe, then yes, that is the better option.”
The mirror shattered, the pieces raining down, echoing as they bounced against the tiles. He watched with unfocused eyes as everything around him crumbled.
His heart pounded in his ears, drowning out the arguing voices in the kitchen. He fell to the floor and clutched a broken shard.
He needed...he needed to...
Protect.
Danny saw red.
His lips moved before he could stop them. “I thought you’d accepted me.”
The argument from the kitchen came to a screeching halt.
“Danny! I didn’t—”
“No!” Danny pushed himself to a seated position.
They kept him from his core on purpose.
His parents, after all those painstaking hours in family therapy, all that talk about how they were a team and how they needed to work together, had lied to him.
They weren’t a team. They had never been a team. Danny was just…
He was just a ghost to them.
An irrational, stupid, ectoplasmic creature.
They scrambled from the kitchen, moving into the living room with fear strewn across their faces.
They hate ghosts. You know this, Fenturd. They hate you.
“We do accept you, Danno. We love you.”
They didn’t love him.
“We were just trying to protect you. Please understand, Danny,” Maddie begged.
They’re scared of you. They don’t know what it means to protect. They’re lying.
“Danny, you need to understand—”
“SHUT UP!” Danny gripped his hair with his hands, covering his ears to quiet the hurricane of emotions devastating his mind. “Shut up, shut up!”
He didn’t know whether to laugh, scream, or cry. After all this talk, his parents had never accepted him as a ghost at all.
“I’m so sorry, son,” Jack said.
“I can’t—I can’t!” Danny spat out. He had a thousand different responses swirling through his brain, so many things he wanted to say, but he couldn’t. His brain wasn’t working, his voice wasn’t working, and everything he saw was painted in blood.
They lied to him.
“I—you—”
“Danny, you need to breathe,” Jazz said, but Danny could recognize that tone. That was the same voice she used when trying to calm down the neighbor’s hyperactive dog that had a bad habit of finding ways out of its fence.
Danny ripped his head out of his arms, swiveling up to meet the concerned gazes of his family. “Shut up! I’m not a fucking dog!”
“Danny, I never—”
“Stop treating me like a fucking animal! I’m not—I’m not!” Danny attempted to grip the coffee table to push himself up, but he only succeeded in falling back onto the couch. He cursed and blinked away the mist that clouded his vision because he was not crying right now. His parents did not get to see that.
Maddie jumped forward. “Careful!”
“No, shut the fuck up!” Danny yelled. “You don’t get to—to be concerned! You don’t get that!”
Maddie stepped back, looking as if someone slapped her across the face.
“Danny, please, calm down,” Jack tried.
If anything, the red lining in his vision only deepened. “No! I won’t, and you don’t—don’t—ah!” Danny hit his forehead with his hand, frustration clawing at his throat.
There was so much he wanted to say, but he physically couldn’t get it out. He couldn’t stand, he couldn’t talk, he could only sit here drowning in rage.
His body was betraying him.
His parents could fix this right now if they wanted to. They could take him down to the lab, remove the chip, give Danny any semblance of freedom back. They could do that.
But they stood there doing nothing.
They like you like this. Helpless. Grounded. Easy to control.
“You lied to me! You knew—you fucking—my core isn’t even damaged, is it?”
Jack wrapped his arm around Maddie, who hadn’t even bothered to wipe away the tears that had spilled on her cheeks.
Because of him.
They hate you.
“Is it?” Danny pressed, but he didn’t need a response. He knew the answer. He knew the truth.
It was written all over his parents' faces.
“Was my core ever damaged? At all?”
“It was, but—”
Danny shook his head in disbelief. “Cores are self-re—self-regenerating. I—I knew that. I knew that! It—it was healed before I left the hospital, right?”
His parents refused to meet his eyes.
“You lied to me. All this time, and—and you...you just…” Danny tried to stand up again, but failed. “I’m so fucking sick of this!”
“Danny, please understand. We only did it because we needed to protect you.”
“Protect me?” He let out a sardonic laugh. “You thought—you seriously thought you were—you were fucking protecting me? Do you not...even see? I can’t—I can’t even fucking stand up! I can’t stand! I can’t do anything! And you thought you were protecting me? Are you serious?”
Jack’s lips thinned. “Danny, do you not realize how close we were to losing you? And I don’t mean to the government. You blasted a school mirror and then tried to use one of the pieces to kill yourself! I mean, come on, son!”
Danny lurched back, stunned. “I wasn’t trying to kill myself!”
“Then what were you trying to do, huh?” Jack shouted back. “Because not even a few hours after we dropped you off back at school, we get a call from Mr. Lancer saying a few students found you in the locker room threatening suicide because you thought you were back with the government! What do you expect us to think, Danny? We’re your parents.”
“Shut up!” Danny squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the flashes of memory that threatened to surface.
“Jack—”
“No, Maddie—”
They hate you.
His throat burned. “Shut up!”
It wasn’t fair. His parents weren’t being fair. That incident—that was a fluke. An anomaly. And yet they were punishing Danny for something that happened weeks ago, before he went through the painstaking ordeal of inpatient and psychiatry and the PHP and the whole other host of therapies he’d been forced into.
“What was the point in sending me to—to inpatient then? If you were just going to keep treating me like a stupid animal?”
“Danny, we’re not treating you like an animal.”
“You sure as hell got me caged up like one!”
“Don’t talk to your mother that way!”
“Jack, honey—”
“Everyone, please calm down!”
“Stay out of this, Jazz!”
“Danny, I think—”
“I don’t care what you think!”
“Guys—”
“I NEED MY CORE!” Danny screamed, the sob finally tearing its way out of his throat.
His family fell into a deafening silence, and Danny could feel their stares as ugly sobs overtook him, ripping down any semblance of an emotional wall he’d managed to construct over these weeks.
His tears boiled on his skin, and he dug his hands in his hair in a desperate attempt to ground himself. But it didn’t matter, his body shook uncontrollably, his emotions burning through his throat leaving him gasping for air.
All while his parents stood there ten feet away from him. Frozen, unwilling to approach. Because he was a halfa, a monster, broken, unstable, trapped, feared. He was the demon that parents warned their children about, the thing that his parents had dedicated their careers to developing weapons against, a creature so dangerous that the government had funded an entire group to research and exterminate.
And up until two months ago, it was legal for him to be vivisected, to be experimented on, to be tortured to the point of paralysis.
He rocked back and forth, struggling to piece himself back together. And when he could make it through a shuddering breath without breaking down again, all he could do was croak out, “Why…”
His parents remained unmoving, faces pale, arms by their sides. Tears streaked his mother’s and sister’s cheeks, and his father’s unblinking gaze bore down on him.
But their silence wasn’t good enough, their sorrow and tears weren’t good enough. An invisible wall was growing between them with each passing second and they couldn’t even see it.
They know. They’re doing it on purpose. They don’t care about you.
“Why?” Danny insisted. “How could—how could you...how could you do this to me? I’m...I just…”
“We had to, son,” his father said. The moonlight cast a shadow over his face. “It was for your own safety.”
No. Danny was done with the lies. Done with the excuses.
He was done.
Flaring his eyes, he bit back, “My safety, or yours?”
His parents flinched, and Danny couldn’t find himself to care. They’d lied to him, they’d dug their hole, so now they had to live in it.
“Danny, please…” Jazz stepped forward. “Don’t do this.”
“No! You—don’t you get it?” Danny pleaded. “I can’t—Mom, Dad, I feel like a prisoner. I’m trapped in my body. I can’t—I can’t live like this anymore! I can’t fucking do it! You have no idea...and you don’t even care!”
“Of course we care, Danno.”
“Then why? Tell me the truth! Please, tell me why because—” His voice broke, and his head fell back into his hands. “Please...tell me why…”
Jack sighed. “It was just the decision we felt we needed to make. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t something we did because we wanted to hurt you. We love you, son. And we just wanted to know that you were safe.”
“We love you so much, sweetie.”
But they were blind because he wasn’t safe. And he was never going to be safe again. There would always be someone out there who had power over him, who wanted to control and erase him.
If they loved you, they would have listened.
They’re scared of you.
He glanced up to see Jack putting his arm around Maddie, pulling her in close. Jazz stood behind them, allowing their shadows to overtake her body.
Jazz said something, but Danny wasn’t listening. He didn’t care. He was trapped and completely alone. There would be no protests, no online petitions, and no jury on his side. No one to rescue him.
“Then give it—give me my core back.”
Jack shook his head. “I’m sorry son. We’ve made our decision.”
“I’ll find a way,” Danny insisted. “I know some ghosts. I’ll get them to—to take it out. You can’t...you—you can’t stop me.”
“Danny, I don’t think even Frostbite could—”
“You don’t know that, Jazz! He could—he could do it. He would figure it out if I asked.”
His parents exchanged a look, one reminiscent of the exasperation when Danny would tell them that the detention hadn’t been his fault, that he did try to do the homework assignment, that he would try harder next time.
They didn’t believe him.
“He’ll do it,” he reiterated.
“Danny, we’re not going to let any ghosts near you right now.”
“Like that ever worked before,” he retorted.
There was a pregnant pause, and Danny looked away. He felt nauseous, and anxiety speared through his chest.
“Please, I can’t—I can’t live like this. I can’t…”
He knew how desperate he sounded, but for once he didn’t care. His parents were going to kill him by keeping his core locked up.
Right now it was about self-preservation. If he couldn’t protect himself, it was over.
“Graduate from the PHP program first,” Maddie finally said. “Once you’re back in school, then we can talk, alright? We’ll talk about...about removing the chip.”
Danny whipped his head up, his eyes searching for any signs that she was lying, that she was going to pull the rug out from under him again.
But her face betrayed nothing.
“Graduate?” Danny breathed. “I just have to...graduate?”
“Yes. Show us that you’re okay enough to go back to school, and you can have your ghost half back.”
“I…” He tugged at his hair. “But that’s...that’s weeks…’
Maddie crossed her arms. “Those are my terms.”
Time slowed, and the distance between them only seemed to grow. He knew he was already behind leaving the PHP center that he was almost certain there was talk of shoving him back into inpatient.
But they didn’t get it. It wasn’t his fault, it was the government stalking him. It was Vlad. He had no choice, and he would never be able to graduate PHP. Not without his core.
“I—but—but, Mom. I need—”
“Son,” his dad said sharply. “I understand how difficult this is for you, but you’re not in a place where we can trust you right now. This is our compromise. Show us we can trust you, and you can have your freedom back.”
His eyes stung, and his throat was starting to squeeze shut.
No…
“Do we have a deal?”
This was impossible.
Even if Frostbite had a way of removing the chip, Danny had no way of finding him. Not without Clockwork’s interference, who didn’t seem to have any interest in contacting Danny as of late.
The thought of Clockwork left a sour taste in Danny’s mouth. He hadn’t thought of the ancient ghost since his nights in the government compound, his body splayed out like a rag doll, shivering from shock. He remembered staring into the pitch black abyss around him begging for Clockwork to come help him.
But his calls were never answered.
Danny knew Clockwork could have freed him whenever he wanted, government ghost shields be damned. But he didn’t. And that made him just as guilty as everyone else.
And now Danny was alone, bound by his human physiology and his ghost hunter parents.
He had no choice.
“Okay. It’s—it’s a deal.”
---
His body was cold, dead, with waves of trembling coming in and out in spurts. Every breath hurt, and he wasn’t sure if it was because of the burning in his chest, the soreness in his throat, or the way the alien warmth in his core seemed more overbearing than ever.
He could feel it, the hand reaching between his ribs, gripping his core with its warm, gloved fingers. It was revolting, violating, how the hands invaded his body, tearing off his skin and ribs as if he were nothing but a rotting carcass.
He felt dizzy. Lightheaded. He put a hand on his chest, crinkling his shirt in his fist. It was his core, he needed to protect it.
But he was useless. Nothing. He was at the mercy of his parents who were all but holding a loaded gun to his head while telling him to trust them. Who lied to him that they accepted him, that they were there for him.
That they loved him.
He was stupid, so stupid. After all the months of hearing them enthusiastically discuss the ways they’d love to rip him apart, what made him think they’d love him just like that?
Their acceptance was conditional, and their conditions were impossible for him to meet. How the hell did they expect him to graduate from PHP and reenter society like a normal person while they were drowning his core like this? Did they not see how badly he was suffocating? How much he was screaming, thrashing in the ocean for air, desperately trying to fight the undertow pulling him further and further away from his sanity?
He wasn’t going to make it. He was going to fail, he was going to drown. He couldn’t do this.
But there’s one way, a small voice in his head whispered. You’ve done it before and you were fine. It helped you.
His eyes trailed over to his nightstand with his old model rocket sitting proudly on top. He had never flushed the oxycodone.
Maybe…maybe…
It can help you again.
He just needed to graduate the PHP program and he would get his core back and then everything would be okay. He could work on his problems the right way later. The way he was supposed to be doing it, that he couldn’t do right now because he was still missing half of himself.
Two weeks. That was all he needed. Just two weeks worth of medication, and then he’d be on his way.
You need this.
He pushed himself up as if he were a puppet on strings. Everything was bleak, gray-washed and oppressive. Nausea rolled over him in waves and a hand gripped his throat, pulling the oxygen from his body.
The nightstand glowed in the moonlight, and like a moth Danny felt himself drawn closer to it. Tunnel vision took over, and the world morphed into a series of photos in a time lapse. Snapshot after snapshot flickered past his eyes until a hand—his hand—was pulling the drawer open to reveal an orange bottle inside.
You’re ready.
He couldn’t live like this anymore.
The fear, the anxiety, his core. It was all so much easier before, back in the hospital. Back when the only thing he had to worry about was what constellation he was going to draw that day. Back before he had to face the public, his family, or Vlad. Back before he knew that the government had his phone tapped and was watching his every move.
Back before he knew that his freedom was only temporary.
He was a sitting duck, a kid trapped in no man’s land with no weapon, no armor, nothing to keep him alive.
“Two weeks,” he whispered. Two weeks and then he would be okay. He would graduate from PHP, he would get to go back to school, he would become a regular person again. He just needed to get there first.
He opened the bottle and shook out a small white pill into the palm of his hand.
Two weeks.
Tilting his head back, he tossed the pill into his mouth, took a sip of water, and swallowed.
There.
It was done.
---
Thank you @imekitty for beta-ing the fic as well as helping me organize my plot better!
Thanks for reading!
---
<previous chapter / next chapter>
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Verboten 14 | (T)
ff.net | AO3
Fandom: Danny Phantom (DP)
Summary: AU. When Danny was five years old, he went missing for 2 weeks. In the years that follow, his family tried to make sense of what happened, only for the truth to be discovered years later.
Warnings: rated T for violence, mentions of death, language. Be prepared for some very weird things
Chapter warning: being attacked at home
Parings: Danny/Sam
Notes: originally uploaded to Ff.net. Cross-posted to AO3 and tumblr. This fic is very heavily inspired by folklore surrounding mysterious wilderness disappearances
Chapter 14
“Well, at least we know your parents could hire him to clean their ceilings if he stays stuck up there.”
“You’re not helping, Tucker,” Danny snapped at him from his spot on the ceiling.
More amused than surprised anymore, he just let Sam continue to try to help Danny change back to his human form while he worked on his own project. When Sam messaged him earlier that there was an issue, he hadn’t expected to walk into Sam’s room and find Danny, in all his ghostly glory, sitting cross-legged on the ceiling above Sam’s bed and having a panic attack. After taking in the absurdity of the situation, he tried for several minutes to help Sam somehow get him down. When all rescue attempts failed, mostly because Danny couldn’t seem to hold on to anything they threw at him, Sam moved to a different tactic. She hoped getting him to relax would somehow help.
Since that wasn’t his forte, Tucker decided his way of helping would be to finish reviewing the information he got from Plasmius while making comments about his friend’s predicament. Although he knew the digs annoyed Danny and Sam, he needed to do it for his own sanity.
Up until this point, Tucker really hadn’t registered the paranormal as being truly real. Sure, they did get abducted by a crazed ghost and then attacked by an even crazier ghost, but the more time passed without a ghostly incident, he had almost rationalized it as some stress induced hallucination. Almost being the key word. He knew his best friend had been fundamentally changed by the event, but other than the freak out at school and his now permanently chilly skin, Danny hadn’t done anything ghostly until now. Speaking of which…
“How exactly did you end up like this?” he questioned moments before Danny finally fell from the ceiling and landed face first on Sam’s bed. “You okay, dude?”
“More okay then I was when I was stuck on the ceiling,” he sighed as moved himself to the edge of the bed. His unnatural green eyes scanned the room as if searching for something. “I’m like this because of Plasmius.”
“Wait, wait? That’s a pretty big thing to neglect to mention.”
“I’m sorry I got distracted by discovering I was walking around in my ghost form or whatever you want to call it.”
“Don’t antagonize him, Tucker. That seems to make things worse,” Sam scolded as she pointed at Danny, who started to float again. “See? But that is pretty important.”
Danny huffed as he experimentally shifted, making it look like he was just lying on his stomach… in mid-air. Seemingly alright with the position, probably because he was only about a foot above the bed, he continued. “Look, I was planning on immediately telling you guys as soon as Tucker arrived, but I panicked when I realized I couldn’t change back. But since that doesn’t seem to want to change any time soon, I guess I just explain what happened.”
Once Danny was done, Tucker let out a whistle. “That’s some story. Glad he let you go, but it’s really creepy that he can just pluck you into that other world when he wants.”
“Why was he here in the first place?” Sam asked as she worked up enough courage to sit near where Danny was still floating. “That’s what’s bugging me about it. Was he just really here for information?”
“That’s what I don’t get either. Whoa! I’d like it if my body would make up… its mind?” As Danny fell onto the bed once again, a blinding light suddenly washed over him. Once it faded, he was back in his human form. “Well, at least that fixes that problem for now.”
Deciding not to comment on his friend’s obvious relief, Tucker somewhat changed the direction of the conversation. “At least Plasmius confirmed he’s interested in Vlad Master’s companies for something nefarious. Most of what I’ve gotten so far on that data are files on different employees.”
Danny’s eyes lit up at the statement. “Oh, I forgot to tell you. Vlad’s in town.”
“That’s convenient,” Sam dryly stated after she shared a look with Tucker. “Why’s he here?”
“Apparently, when my parents asked him for help getting some information, he decided he needed to be directly involved. He was visiting when I got up.” He glanced down and wrung his hands before adding, “But he seemed really off today.”
“Off how?”
“He gave me literal chills. I mean, if I think about it, that’s happened when ghosts were around, but not people. He also seemed off… like he was a different person.”
Unnerved, Tucker placed his PDA on Sam’s desk. “I hate to bring this up, but didn’t you say that thing that attacked you was able to change how it looked?”
Danny’s eyes widened briefly before he shook his head. “I… I don’t think that’s it. It was close, but there was still something off about how it looked. It also didn’t feel the same… the chill was different. Vlad felt… Vlad felt like Plasmius but not as strong? I don’t know how to explain it.”
“You mentioned that chill before when you freaked out because of Maura… do you think you can sense other ghosts now?” Tucker felt himself grin despite the situation. “I mean, cuz if you can, that’s really useful. I’d like to be able to stay on the complete other side of the city from where that creepy thing is.”
“Maybe? I certainly didn’t notice anything like it when we were trapped or escaping from Plasmius… but he did say something about how that’s possible.” A thoughtful expression briefly crossed his face, until he gave a wry grin. “Fat load of good it does if it only goes off when something is like ten feet away.”
“Darn. Well, still let me know if you notice anything else weird. I’d like a head start over anything that might harm these good looks.”
xxx
After their initial discussion of what happened, the rest of the time was spent seeing if Danny could get any sort of control over his ghost form. It took a while, but he did manage to find the preverbal trigger for the change. Via a couple hours under Sam’s Spartan-equse training, he was finally able to change to and from on command. While he hoped he’d have a chance to work on more of his abilities, it was definitely a success.’
Around dinner, he and Tucker left Sam’s and headed to their own respective houses. While his parents were relieved to see him before sundown, he couldn’t return the feeling. Vlad was still in the house. According to his parents, the businessman would be staying with them in the guest room for a while.
“A while? How long’s a ‘while’?” he questioned as he looked for something to drink in the fridge.
“Well, that’s up to Vlad,” his mother replied as she added a few shakes of something to what smelled like stew. Vlad and his father were still in the lab. “While he’s not entirely certain how long he will be able to remain away from his businesses, he’s hoping to be able to stay for a couple weeks.”
Unhappy with that answer, Danny grabbed his drink and disappeared into his bedroom. If he was honest, he wanted to practice more with his abilities. It would be a shame not to with how much progress he made earlier, but he wasn’t exactly certain what tools his dad and Vlad might be using. Some of them where supposedly able to detect differences in energy levels. Without knowing the specifics of his abilities, he really didn’t want to clue them in.
Actually, was he ever going to tell his parents? That was a good question. Right now, when he didn’t have much control or understanding over anything, it didn’t seem like a good idea. Perhaps down the road? Maybe. Actually, maybe they might have so information regarding what happened to him.
A little later, his parents called him down for dinner. For him, it was a relatively normal affair, save for the chills Vlad kept giving him. Seriously, what was up with that? Vlad had been a fixture in his life for years, and there was never an issue before. Maybe Plasmius somehow influenced him or something? He guessed it was possible. There were legends about ghosts doing stuff like that, but he had no idea how to even begin figuring that out.
After dinner, he once again retreated to his room. Frustrated, he decided a few hours of Doomed would be a good distraction from everything.
…
Right around three am, something woke Danny. Rubbing his eyes, he realized he fell asleep gaming. Stretching, he turned off the game before checking one of his drawers for clean pjs. Deciding it wasn’t worth it, he headed to his bed only to stop when his breath misted in front of him.
Now wide awake, he stopped and listened. There were the normal sounds of the furnace and his dad’s snores. Wait, the furnace? Then why could he see his breath a moment ago? Spooked, he opened his door as quietly as possible and stuck his head out into the hallway.
Nothing seemed out of place. No one was in the hall. There was no light from his parents’ room or the spare bedroom Vlad was using. Deciding something still didn’t seem right, he crept down the hall and peaked down the stairs.
Eyes, dark eyes with a faint red glow, peaked out at him from the darkness of the living room. Knowing whatever it was saw him, he panicked and ran towards his parents’ room. “Mom! Dad! There’s something in the house!” he yelled as he frantically beat on the locked door. Of course it was one of those nights.
“Oh my god, what is that thing?” Vlad’s voice and the growl that followed forced his attention to the staircase. The sickly gray color of its skin made it somehow stand out in the shadows. The creature, the same one Danny encountered in the alleyway, stood in all its horrible glory at the top of the stairs. Its face was twisted in a grotesque snarl, and it swayed slightly. With an uneasy jolt, Danny realized the thing seemed to be debating who to go after first.
At the sound of the lock on his parents’ door turning, the thing lunged forward. Danny barely had time to register his mother pulling him into the room while his father roared, “Eat this!”
The familiar whine of one of his parents’ blasters powering up was followed by a blinding green blast and then another. As his parents decided to chase the thing, he curled up behind the door. The sounds of the blasts and something else, something unnatural, crashing into furniture could be heard from the downstairs.
How did that thing get in the house? Better yet, how did it find him? It was his fault. He needed to help, but what could he do? He had no ability to fight against it. Heck, he still didn’t know what it was other than dangerous and evil.
When the sounds in the downstairs stopped, he held his breath and waited. A sigh of relief escaped him when his mother called for him and Vlad. Not caring he was a teenager and by default hated hugs from family members, raced to his mother’s side and embraced her. Understanding he was frightened, she rubbed his back and reassured him she was fine.
“Sorry to interrupt,” the light snapped on to reveal blast marks, destroyed furniture, and Vlad appraising the scene from the bottom step, “but what exactly was that thing? Should I contact the police?”
Embarrassed someone saw him, Danny quickly let go and retreated a few steps. His mother smiled at him before replying, “It’s already been taken care of.” She pointed to what Danny recognized as the button of one of the alarm systems; it was flashing. “Jack’s checking the perimeter to make sure that thing is gone. In the meantime, I’m going to make us hot chocolate.”
“But what if that thing comes back? Surely Jack wouldn’t just leave you alone.”
She flashed him a grin as she held up a miniature blaster. “Thank you for being concerned, but I’m actually the better shot between the two of us.”
After glancing at Vlad, who seemed both dumbfounded and proud, Danny hurried into the kitchen after his mother. He really didn’t want to leave her side if that thing came back.
“Danny,” his mother stated after they were seated at the kitchen table with hot chocolate in hand, “be honest with me, was that the same thing you saw in the alleyway?”
He took a sip of his drink before answering her. “I… I think so. I mean, I’m not exactly sure if it was the same thing or not, but it looked similar.”
“You’re telling me that’s the thing you’re researching?” Vlad sounded surprised, but Danny noticed how tightly he gripped his mug. Why did he seem angry? “That thing was an abomination.”
His mother nodded. “While there are some stories regarding things like that in folklore, most of the recent ones seem to be more fiction than fact, so Jack and I tended to disregard them.” She sent him an apologetic smile, “However, with Danny’s report, we decided to look into it and didn’t like what we found. That’s why we reached out because we needed to get the resources to verify the data.”
“What do you mean you didn’t like what you found?” His whole body felt icy again, but this time, it seemed to be from fear and not some paranormal creature.
“I want to verify something with the officers,” she glanced at the clock on the wall before muttering, “when they finally get here first. However, if Jack didn’t manage to get it, I’m not sure if it’ll come back or not. We definitely wounded it,” she pointed to a spot in the living room where something wet, dark, and faintly glowing could be seen, “but I don’t know if that was enough to ward it off or if it’s vengeful enough to return.”
“But why was it here?”
“If I may?” Vlad glanced at his mother, who nodded. “If it was in fact the same creature Daniel saw, it may have come for him, or, it simply could have been drawn to the house. Forgive me, but you do have a lot of ectoplasm and other potential energy sources on hand.”
“Hmm… we have been meaning to update our storage devices. That can easily be done, but if Danny is a target, that would be much harder to fix.” His mother reached out and gently put her hand on his. “Sweetie, don’t take this the wrong way, but your father and I are worried you might have been changed because of your disappearances.”
That was putting it lightly, he ruefully thought. However, instead of agreeing, he asked her to explain what she meant.
“Well, you know we theorized you temporarily slipped into a different dimension when you were younger? It’s possible that somehow altered you. Pass reports of those ‘spirited away’ often report the person was somehow changed. Since before you seemed fine, save for the times we caught you staring as if you saw something we couldn’t, we figured you may have developed a sensitivity to the paranormal.”
He nodded. That made sense. Although, he was embarrassed his parents picked up on how he sometimes saw those shadows. Apparently he didn’t do nearly as good of a job as he thought at keeping that a secret.
His mother bit her lip before continuing. “But, this past time… something changed. I know you told the police you were abducted by a person, but the complete disappearance and then reappearance… and that none of you who disappeared could be tracked… and the injuries… and how that poor boy was found… it never made sense it was a human. And when you came back, the changes in your vitals, we knew there was something more to it. You don’t have to tell me anything if you’re not ready,” she added when she noticed his panicked expression, “but whatever changed might have made you something like beacon to creatures of other worlds.”
His mouth felt dry. His parents actually suspected there was something off about him, and they just accepted it? Should he tell them how much he really changed? No, Vlad was in the house. He didn’t need to know anything about it. However, he could start probing for some of the answers he wanted. “If… if I have changed, how…?”
“We’re not exactly sure what will happen in the long run,” she replied as she picked up on his train of questioning. “Old accounts vary, and it’s difficult distinguishing fact and legend. Anyways, Danny I just want to verify the thing that attacked us tonight and whoever abducted you on the camping trip are not the same thing.”
He violently shook his head. “No, they’re completely different…”He debated with himself for a moment. Should he tell her about Plasmius appearing? Or the thing Clockwork discovered? Or the horde that attacked Sam, Tucker, and their classmates on the way back? “At least, whoever took me, Sam, and Tucker was completely different. I don’t know what grabbed the others.” That was true enough.
Vlad remained unusually quiet during the exchange, but unlike other times where he seemed disinterested or involved, this time it seemed like he was mulling over something. Also, Danny hadn’t missed the way his eyes narrowed when he added on the information about the camping abduction.
A knock at the door spooked everyone. They turned to see his dad opening the door followed by a couple police officers. “I found the police!” he said with a grin. “They thought it was another false alarm.”
“False alarm? False alarm?” His mother stood and marched over to the officers who were taking stock of the damage with wide eyes. “My family gets attacked, and you have the nerve to think it was a false alarm? If my husband and I didn’t have the means to defend ourselves, we would have been killed!”
Danny just sighed and continued sipping his drink as he watched his mother scold the officers. His dad joined him. Both of them knew it was better to let her get it out of her system than to try to get involved. Besides, he’d probably never get to see police officers get chewed out like that ever again. Now if only he had some popcorn.
====
Note: if it hadn’t been implied earlier, Maddie and Jack are going to be involved/decent parents in this fic. It makes sense with how this story is laid out – their son has gone mysteriously missing 3 times. They try to keep an eye on him.
#Verboten#danny phantom#danny phantom au#dp#dp au#danny fenton#alternative universe#sam manson#tucker foley#jack fenton#maddie fenton#vlad masters#fanfic#fanfiction#my writing#paranormal#supernatural#fantasy#folklore#so i heard you like folklore#sooooooooo much folklore
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Getting inside Danny Williams’ brain, movie edition (“Partners” DVD extras)
For those of us who write fanfiction, one of the weird world-filling-in activities we sometimes have to do is try to come up with a comprehensive list of a character’s preferred leisure time activities. Sometimes they’ll give us hints on the show, but in most cases the show focuses far more on what they do at work than what they do during their off hours. Fanfiction, on the other hand, is often written about a character’s off hours, leaving us writers to gather clues and try to extrapolate from there.
Which is how I ended up having a very weird weekend trying to come up with a definitive list of movies I was certain Danny would really like. Because I honestly don’t think he’s a huge movie watcher (his go-to “crap there’s nothing on TV” option is usually sports of some kind) but he’s got too much movie knowledge not to appreciate the medium at least a little. Unlike Steve, Danny’s response to being forced through several different romance movies was to analyze them, deconstruct the various tropes, and learn to predict them in other movies. Casual viewers, in my experience, just don’t DO that.
Also, the one movie we know he loves, “Enemy Mine,” is a freakin’ classic.
The thing is, though, that it’s kind of a weird classic. For those who haven’t had the pleasure of experiencing the movie for themselves, “Enemy Mine” is a 1985 West German-American science fiction film starring Dennis Quaid and Louis Gossett, Jr. The two are pilots on opposite sides of an interstellar war, and they both crash land on the same planet. They hate each other, slowly become friends, and when Gossett’s character dies in childbirth (his species can reproduce all by themselves), Quaid’s character promises to take the kid back to Gossett’s home planet for a naming ceremony. He raises the kid for awhile, accidentally gets “rescued” and taken away from him, and steals a ship to get the kid back.
Unsurprisingly, the movie was a total box office bomb. That’s what tends to happen when a movie is really, really, good, but also completely fails to follow any conventional box office formula for success. If you boil it down to its bare essentials, “Enemy Mine” is about talking, aliens, and feelings. There’s a solid chunk of sci-fi fans who are fond of it, and count it AMONG their favorites, but it’s pretty rare for someone who isn’t a fan of sci-fi to like it. Let alone love it as much as Danny clearly does.
And Danny… there’s no way I’m buying a secret fondness for sci-fi. Someone in his life must have been a fan (I’m suspecting Matt, who I imagine must have been a big fan of escapism) but that man is so non-nerd he couldn’t casually come up with SUPERMAN when trying to put a name to his red-caped “costume” in the season 3 Halloween episode. I hadn’t even thought that was POSSIBLE. (He manages a reference much later in the series, but that’s after DC’s latest spate of movies. The marketing saturation was so dramatic at that point anyone who consumed even the most casual media couldn’t escape it).
Feelings, however… Danny’s a BIG fan of feelings. He was so openly moved when we saw him watch “Enemy Mine,” and he would ABSOLUTELY be one of those people who enjoyed sobbing over movies because he could never let himself cry in real life. Also, the man is a deeply emotional, deeply sentimental asshole, no matter how hard he tries to pretend he’s a tough guy. So if he’s going to seek out a movie on his own, it’s probably going to have to offer the same dialed-up-to-11 emotional catharsis that “Enemy Mine” does.
Also, he clearly doesn’t mind movies where the characters spend most of their time just talking to each other. Hell, he probably even loves it.
On that note, here’s a not-comprehensive-but-definitely-reliable list of some of Danny Williams’ most-watched movies, in no particular order.
Arrival
This one… Danny has to save this one for special occasions. The things the movie says about parenthood and consciously letting your heart get broken because of the sweetness along the way hits him right in the heart every single time, but there’s also a dead kid involved. Yes, she’s sort of at the edges, but we also get Amy Adams talking to her dead daughter in voiceover and it just wrecks Danny EVERY SINGLE TIME. Some of the things the movie says about choices and accepting pain also mess him up, but it touches on some deeper issues and he really doesn’t like to look at any of that too closely. It’s a beautiful, well-made movie (he WILL rant about how Adams deserved an Oscar for it), but sometimes he just can’t allow himself to get emotionally wrecked like that.
Steve only sort of understands why he gets so emotional over it. But every time they watch it together, he keeps his arms around Danny the entire time and doesn’t say a word about any tears he sees.
Beaches
Listen – I will physically fight anyone who tries to tell me this isn’t one of Clara Williams’ favorite movies. I am dead certain she watched this ALL THE TIME when Danny was growing up, and I’m sure he’s told several people that he suffered through it. But listen – lifelong friendship, massive weepiness, AND New Jersey? Danny loves this movie nearly as much as his mother does, and will absolutely watch it any time it happens to be on TV. He’s seen it so many times he can actually recite the lines of some of the big scenes along with the movie, but is careful not to let himself do that too often.
Steve absolutely teases him about this one, but if Grace catches him watching it she’ll sometimes sit down on the couch and watch it with him. Like her father, she also likes the movie far more than she’s willing to admit to, and is the one person Danny will actually let himself say the lines with (she does it with him). For the funeral scene and the bits after, Grace will inevitably get weepy and snuggle up close to her father.
Gifted
This one is just super obvious. In the movie, Chris Evans spends the entire movie figuring out how to raise his adorable super-gifted niece despite pressure from nearly everyone to give her up, and in between tries and fails to have some kind of dating life. It’s a celebration of the fathering spirit, and Danny relates HARD to it. It doesn’t get him as teary as some of the other ones, but there are enough emotional moments to leave him satisfied.
Up
Who DOESN’T cry during Carl and Ellie’s life together at the beginning of the movie? Danny found this one when Grace was still young enough that Disney made up a huge portion of her movie diet, but he’s stuck with it even though she hasn’t. He’s actually grown to like the movie more and more over the years, and what he hasn’t realized yet is because it’s really closely tied to the fact that he got dragged to Hawaii the year after the movie came out. The idea of a curmudgeon traveling to a hellish wilderness in the middle of nowhere and finding a family and new purpose in life when he gets there just started RESONATING with him for some reason, you know?
Bonus movie that Danny USED to watch all the time and now just can’t anymore: Ghost
Honestly, “Ghost” used to be one of his go-to movies. It’s got nearly the feels-per-minute ratio of “Beaches,” and is slightly less embarrassing for a grown man to be watching. Plus, Danny is a very intense, very specific kind of romantic, and the idea of a love that outlasted death appealed to him on a really fundamental level. Of course, he mentally classified as a fantasy, not so much because of the ghost as the idea that a married couple could actually love each other that much. But hey, who doesn’t enjoy a good fantasy now and then?
But after he and Steve got together… well, he’s TRIED to watch it in the years since. More than once, in fact. But it’s not long before he sees Patrick Swayze staying close to his wife, or trying to protect her from his murderous business partner, and thinking about how Steve would absolutely do that if he could manage it at all. Or he’ll see Demi Moore having such a tough time after her husband dies, and he can’t help but think about how destroyed he’d be if anything happened to Steve. If any of the close calls he’s had over the years were just a little bit closer. How easy it would be, even with Steve being more careful, for someone to shoot him one day.
Ever since then, he hasn’t ONCE managed to watch the movie all the way through. Eventually, he just stopped trying.
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Something wicked this way comes.
@umbralaperture
I played around in the land of Limbo for this holiday short. Forgive me for my terrible sense of humour, my dear.
Warnings: fluff and ominous forboding
Masterlist
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Something Wicked this way comes
Holidays and seasons were creations on Prime. They served to mark the passage of time and stave off the boredom of existence whilst creating distractions from daily obligations such as work and paying bills. At least that was how most of the residents in the twelve realms saw it. Here holidays that were celebrated on Prime were not common and treated as a kind of novelty. They were lavishly over emphasised versions of whatever was deemed the norm for mortal humans.
When the Princess of Limbo came into power these events that hitherto had only been recreated through descriptions passed on from word of mouth by someone who had documented the drunken ramblings of returning foot soldiers that had spent a full cycle on Earth and were eagerly regaling the scribes with the tales as more welcoming ales were handed to them. Now there was someone who had lived the events first hand and could present the real deal to them.
“I really don’t get why we are doing this.” Yukimura grumbled as he sunk the dagger in his hand into the tender flesh of the bright orange gourd.
“Oh, quit complaining and just do it already. Quicker it’s done the quicker we can get back to doing everything else.” Hideyoshi replied even though he was also struggling to understand why this was a fundamental part of a holiday. But it if was what the Princess wanted; he was more than happy to oblige.
“What are you carving anyway?”
“It’s a face. Sadie said you carve faces into these things.” Hideyoshi held the pumpkin to head height turning it to face front and show off his handy work.
“That’s a face?” Yukimura hid nothing of his shock allowing his jaw to drop at the creation being displayed.
“Of course. Why what do you think it looks like?” Hideyoshi arched his brow questioningly.
“You really don’t want me to answer that.” Yukimura muttered returning to his own creation, whittling away layers of the skin to produce a more three-dimensional look to its design.
“Have you two finished your little task yet?” A cheerful voice called out from the door as the owner entered with all the grace of a slithering snake.
“Nearly. How did setting up the audience hall go?” Hideyoshi replied while he added in a few things he had just thought of that should clear up the confusion over his pumpkin.
“Finished. I had a little bother removing some stains from the large cauldron but after Masa’s dragon helped jet wash it, it was a piece of cake. I must say Yukimura that is a splendid looking Pumpkin.” Mitsuhide bent down and peered over the to men’s shoulders showering praise on the younger one.
“Thank you.”
“And Hideyoshi…?” Mitsuhide turned to look at the second pumpkin for a little longer. Yellow eyes taking in the details carved out of the giant vegetable.
“Yes?”
“… well at least you tried.” Mitsuhide patted Hideyoshi’s shoulder as if consoling a child that had just lost some sort of race in school.
“Why you!”
“How’s it going in here?” Sadie entered carrying some candles.
“It would appear the pumpkins you have requested Princess are complete.” Mitsuhide turned ignoring the imminent threat from Hideyoshi who had stopped at the sight of Sadie from pointing his dagger at the white-haired menace.
“Really? That’s great let’s see them then they need the candles.” Sadie beckoned for the pumpkins taking Yukimura’s first and looking at it happily.
“You could just use some of your talents to create the light, couldn’t you?” Yuki picked up one of the candles and looked at it as if checking to see if it was really just a candle.
“I could but that would be like taking the heart out of the holiday Yuki. Wow, this is great!” Sadie traced over the intricate carving with her index finger.
“You said it had to have a face on it.” Yuki blushed a shade of crimson and rubbed his hand at the back f his neck avoiding eye contact. It made Sadie giggle as even after all this time he still could get so embarrassed easily over nothing much at all.
“I had no idea you could carve like this though it almost looks like a real gargoyle. And Yoshi…” Sadie put down Yuki’s pumpkin in favour of Hideyoshi’s turning it over and over in her hands as she tilted her head this way and that to look at the pattern.
“Before you say it I know. I have been told it doesn’t look like –” Hideyoshi began what was about to become a formal apology for failing in his task only to be cut off in his endeavour.
“It looks just like a Picasso. How fabulous! I mean there is an eye there and one here too. It’s wonderful.” Sadie beamed a happy smile that had any retort from the others dying in their throats.
“I thought you said they had to be faces.” Yuki asked as he was the first to snap out of his confusion and drew closer to get a better look at the “fabulous” pumpkin.
“Well, they are just different styles. Besides faces is tradition on pumpkins but lots of other things are also carved on them too. Dragons, bats, witches…” Sadie happily explained as she placed another candle into the second pumpkin and lit it.
“I wonder what our dear Hideyoshi would pleasure us with on his next attempt…” Mitsuhide drolled teasingly.
“Say that again snake and I’ll show you first hand.” Hideyoshi muttered just loud enough for the other man to hear him.
“Promises, promises.”
“What is up with you two today? You are fighting worse than usual.” Sadie asked. Both men had been like this all day. In fact, it had been since the previous night where she had asked Mitsuhide to help with the planning and decorating as Hideyoshi was busy with other work and Mitsuhide had requested some time to ask her questions about the requirements so they had spent a half-hour alone in her office discussing it all.
“Nothing at all.”
“Uhuh. Well anyway. Let’s go put these at the gate so the visitors can see them.” Suddenly realising the reason behind the tension Sadie smiled and sent out some calming emotions to them through the bond. The men visibly relaxed and followed after her.
“Oh, Sadie!” Hideyoshi called out about to grab back his pumpkin that was being carried by the Princess.
“Yes?”
“No nothing…” He pulled back his hand and tried to ignore the new sensation bubbling up in him.
“Feeling a little embarrassed are we Prince?” Mitsuhide hissed.
“Shut up!”
“If you two are going to start kissing or something can you warn me so I can get out the way? I have enough dealing with Shingen and all his antics without that as well today.” Yukimura cast out his words as he brushed past the bickering men and made his way to the gates with Sadie.
*
The audience chamber was decorated in coloured paper streamers and bunting, the autumnal harvest display alongside the abundance of candy looked like something out of a glamour magazine on Prime. It was perfect.
There was a bucket set up to bob for apples. Sugar doughnuts hung on strings from a washing line so you could eat them with your hands held behind your back. Mitsuhide had even cleaned up a few cells in the dungeon and set them up as a part of a haunted house. Something that was later inspected and deemed too dangerous by Orion and therefore shut down.
Creatures from all over the realms had paid a visit and received their treats and now it was down to the last few guests. The ones that would stay and drink till dawn. Dannie came bouncing in her vibrant hair offsetting the rainbow spiderweb pattern on her costume perfectly. Her luminous pink wings fluttered as she ran into the room.
“BOSS!” She practically jumped into Sadie’s arms as she wrapped her up in a big hug. You would have thought they hadn’t seen each other in years not just a few months.
“Dannie! I’m glad you made it.”
“Well, I had a little help.” Dannie looked over at the devil that entered the room. He had put on a pirate costume for the evening and Sadie had to admit it suited him, and not just because of the eye patch.
“Thanks, Masa.”
“No problem. I found her jumping around in the street.” He laughed patting Dannie on the head before moving towards Yasu and joining him in grabbing a candied apple.
“In the street?” Sadie looked worriedly at Dannie.
“I was not jumping around in the street! Ok, you know the Irish pub on the corner by work? They were having a singles night and –” Dannie animatedly tried to dispel the worry albeit in a rather flustered fashion.
“Ha-ha, it’s cool honestly. You look nice. Cobweb fairy?”
“Rainbow cobweb fairy if you please.” Dannie put her hands on her hips giving her best sassy attitude performance she could. The heels of her flower-patterned combat boots clicked on the stone making it seem even funnier.
“Well, naturally I apologise.” Sadie laughed causing Dannie to start laughing as well.
“AUNTIE!” Happy voices shouted loud in the room bouncing off the vaulted ceiling.
“Alcaeus! Saffie!” Sadie turned to scoop up the two little Angels. Alcaeus had the same flame-red hair like his mother, his father’s eyes and smoke grey wings. Saffie was the perfect representation of an angel, fluffy white wings with silver hair but she had the same magnetic amber flame hued eyes as her mother.
“Hey, you two little monsters don’t just run off from the gate leaving your Dad and me behind!” The angel of mercy appeared a little out of breath but smiling.
“Good to see you Aerion.”
“You too Sis.”
“Aerion!”
“Wha—Ack! Orion you’re going to dislocate a wing.” Orion in a slightly drunken display had grabbed his big sister in a bear hug. Sadie made a mental note to check the level of alcohol in the punch bowl or at the very least check to see if Orion’s cup had been spiked with something that affected only angels. It might be a family gathering but they were all living with demons and devils after all.
“Oh thank heaven’s you found them.” Uriel rushed in behind his wife openly sighing when he saw the two children clinging to their aunt.
“Uriel this is my plain you can hardly lose these two and even if you did I would find them.”
“I know I’m sorry.”
“Such a worrywart.” Aerion elbowed him in the ribs something he took easily before helping to get her released from her brothers embrace.
“Hey, you cherubs want to bob for apples?” Shingen called out from over by the games. Kenshin was sitting opposite him waiting for the tall redhead to make his move on the chessboard.
“YAY!” both angels ran over and were joined by Masa and Ieyasu. Masa explaining what to do and Ieyasu standing by with a towel reminding them not to drown or it would give him more work in the infirmary.
“Nobunaga don’t eat all the candy.” Hideyoshi could be heard with his usual reminder.
“Shingen that goes double for you two.” Yukimura echoed the demand causing everyone to chuckle.
“Hehe, it’s hard to see who the kids are and who are the grown-ups isn’t it?”
“Vad you made it.”
“Well large crowds are not my thing but you make allowances for family.”
“Well said.”
*
In the courtyard, the soul beasts were enjoying their own collection of treats and looking fondly at the bipeds as they partook of games and drinks. One by one the creatures began to drift into sleep.
Mochi curled up into a purple smoke ball held close by Kyrion. Ugo and Gualtero were laying side by side the great hellcat pulling on the furry ninetails to use some of it’s tails as a blanket. Savrog and Kirek had fallen asleep side by side on a branch above the collection of critters their wings touching making their glow look like it was shaped in a love heart. A fact that no one wished to say to the two bickering birds for fear of scorching.
Takeshi-Akshai and Vode were close by. The former in his usual corgi sized form was curled up on one of Kenshin’s capes. Zilli was enjoying the dancing shadows in the audience chamber and played a few pranks on the children where they would make things float around and tickle them.
Sheverosh waited for a time before he moved away from the group and made his way to the roof. Something that Sadie had not failed to sense. As soon as the party had lulled into something close to the end she made her way to join him.
“Did you enjoy your holiday Sadie?” The great dragon enquired from the battlements.
“Yes, it was great. I mean it wasn’t exactly as it was on Prime but it was better than nothing. Why are you up here?”
“Clearing my head. I find that there are times that it is a little difficult to maintain myself in large groups. I have been alone for some time after all.” Sheverosh explained eloquently something that was certainly relatable.
“You too huh? I mean I get it. I obviously prefer to be surrounded by people I care for than to be alone but I get it there are just sometimes you want to be alone and hit that reboot button.”
“Reboot?” The dragon turned to look at Sadie his golden scales shimmering like golden grass in a summer breeze.
“It means to recharge and have some you time so you can get up the next day and be you again the next day. So, I guess we aren’t dissimilar.” Sadie smiled and looked out over the castle wall to the land that had become her home.
“No, we aren’t. I too would prefer the company to being alone but you are right there are times you crave solitude in the chaos.” Sheverosh nodded solemnly.
“Think we’re in the wrong plain for that.” Sadie chuckled maintaining her focus in the distance. Something was on the horizon she felt almost sure of it but for the time being, it was beyond her sight.
“Perhaps we are. But it’s a good balance.” Sheverosh turned to look in the same direction joining her in her nightly observations.
“Yes, it is.”
---
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Side note: For me, it feels a bit strange that Alex barely talks about how it was working with (one of his) best friend(s) Scott Caan. I expected some more insight. In none of the interviews, he gets candid about that. Maybe it’s just me who noticed it...
Alex O'Loughlin is adding another title to his all-encompassing Hawaii Five-0 resume.
The 41-year-old star, who has valiantly led the Five-0 team as Steve McGarrett, makes his directorial debut with Friday's season eight episode of the CBS action drama, stepping behind the camera for the first time in his career.
In the installment, titled "E Ho'Oko Kuleana (To One's Duty)," the ex-wife of the man who shot Danny (Scott Caan) in an early season eight episode finds her way to Oahu, kicking off a slew of flashbacks to a time when the actions of a younger Danny, living in New Jersey at the time, helped save her life. While Danny's past comes back to roost, Tani (Meaghan Rath) and Junior (Beulah Koale) patrol the island, providing levity to an action-packed hour, and Adam (Ian Anthony Dale) is framed for the murder of the crime boss he's been hot on the heels of.
Ahead of the episode's premiere, ET jumped on the phone with O'Loughlin for a candid conversation about his directorial debut, why he's backtracking on comments he made about his desire to step away from Hawaii Five-0 after the current season and the "trickiest" part about directing himself.
ET: Friday’s episode of Hawaii Five-0 marks the first time you’ll be credited as a director in your career. How would you describe the experience stepping behind the camera versus being in front of it?
Alex O’Loughlin: It was super exciting. It was very different in the sense that when I’m in front of [the cameras], I try to make all the cameras disappear and all the strange people holding things around me just go away. That suspension of disbelief that’s required as an actor to live truthfully in imaginary circumstances is different to what needs to happen as a director, in the sense that you are the master of all the moving parts. You create the world in every detail. But it was thrilling. It was fantastic. It’s something I really hope I can do more of in my life because I enjoyed it very much.
You’ve been working in the industry for a while. Why did now feel like the right time for you to take the directing plunge?
I think my career is still a work in progress. There are many things I want to do, so many people I want to work with, so many different opportunities out there as an actor. It’s a really good question. Fundamentally, on this show, it took me years and years and years to get my workload down to a point where I could even conceptualize doing something like directing, because it takes a lot of time and a lot of energy. I know myself -- I don’t do anything half-a**ed -- so I think I did a hundred prep hours on this thing, almost like a bit of a psycho; I was a little OCD with it. It was by chance that [the opportunity] came this late on this show. When I started, I don’t think I was ever a good actor -- I’m not saying I’m a good actor now, but this show has been a master class in acting. I think I’ve grown as an actor on this show, [and] I wanted to do that first.
What was the most challenging part about directing?
The trickiest thing for me was dealing with myself, to be totally honest. I didn’t do as much acting preparation as I would’ve liked to or as I always do, so I was a little frustrated as an actor and also as a director. I was sort of racing back and forth from when I’d act a scene and then I’d call “cut” and then I’d race back to the monitor to watch the playback of my work, which I didn’t really care about. I just wanted to get me out of the way so I could focus on all of these great actors I was working with. I was annoyed at and with myself. [Laughs] But everything else was great.
This may be a difficult question for you to answer, but how is Alex the director different from Alex the actor?
That's an interesting question. There are some big differences. When I'm working as an actor, I want to be left alone and I have to go inward to get to the work that I've done, if that makes sense. But as a director, I'm much more gregarious and running around [on set] -- "Hey, I'm so glad we're doing this!" -- fiddling with all the cameras and lights. It's not that I feel more like a collaborator when I'm directing, but I feel like the collaboration when you work as an actor is more unsaid, it's more unsuspecting. You are a cog in the machine and you just focus on your part. As a director, you're focusing on all the cogs and on all the sums of the [whole] part.
You had the opportunity to direct major emotional beats in the episode, as well as a big action sequence and flashbacks with Scott. What was the most difficult for you to execute?
The action's second nature to me. I know how to do action and make it action-y. [Laughs] The thing that was most exciting to me was working with actors. Working with [guest stars] Joanna [Christie] and Daniel [Kaemon] was great. To have the permission to climb down into the foxhole with these actors where they live and do all their hard, dirty, emotional work and sit with them quietly and go, "Hey, listen, how do you feel about this? Do you trust me to take this [scene] this way?" That sort of stuff was really beautiful because I've had that relationship from the other side with a handful of wonderful directors over the years who care about the human condition. I care about story, man. I care about the human journey. To have these amazing actors give me the encouragement to be a part of what they're doing, to help them make choices, that was really, really amazing and very fulfilling.
We also see McGarrett playing the guitar early on in the episode, which is a nice nod for fans of the show, and you get to share the scene with Jimmy Buffett. Talk me through filming that moment.
Oh yeah, that was rad! [Laughs] It's funny, that Portuguese guitar -- I've played guitar my whole life, but that was impossible to play. So someone had to come in and string it like a normal guitar because none of us [had experience playing it]. I cheated a little bit and had them restring it so I could play it like a human. That was fun. It was a bizarre, funny little moment to have Jimmy Buffett with his bare feet up in McGarrett's office. It was nice. For the most part, it's a pretty dense, serious episode, so those little parts are deeply important relief moments.
In the April 13 episode, McGarrett's ex, Catherine, comes back into the fray. What can you tease about Michelle Borth's return?
It was great to see Michelle and it was cool to pick up where we left off. It's a great action, travel-y episode with McGarrett and Catherine. It's also nice to see these two sharing the same space for a minute and to explore how they feel about each other, how everything is cool [between them]. It was weird for a minute, the way she left -- somebody who's about to get proposed to and they choose an allegiance to the government and national security. It was a big blow for McGarrett. I think this episode served as a gentle closure and reinstated the friendship between the two of them, which was really important.
Last time we spoke, you were adamant about Hawaii Five-0 season eight being your last. We're now approaching the end of the season. Do you still feel the same way about your future on the show?
I'm opening the door a little bit. A big part of this is that my back injury is doing a lot better after my stem cell treatments. It's a big deal when you hurt your spine; it's one thing to get your teeth knocked out or have torn ligaments and tendons, but that injury really scared me. A couple of years ago, part of my reality was if this stays this way, I can't [do this anymore]. What are going to do, Ironside? Put me in a wheelchair? That sort of shifted a little bit. It's the end of a very long season and we're almost at 200 episodes. It's tough for me to think about coming back to work right now, but I'm open to negotiations. I haven't heard much but yeah, I'm open to it.
Could there be a situation where former stars Daniel Dae Kim and Grace Park returned at some point for a final farewell? Has there been any internal talk about that?
I haven't listened to any talk about any of that stuff. All I know is they left and we got two new fantastic young actors who want to be here. It's sort of made a massive difference on the show. We had a long relationship with those other guys and they decided they didn't want to be here anymore and now we've got two people who want to be here. I don't know what it's like on the outside and I don't read all the news either, but from the inside, it's been a charming adjustment. That's probably part of why I'm more open to coming back as well.
So you'd be interested in discussions for a potential ninth season? (Note: CBS has yet to renew Hawaii Five-0.)
I'm way more open than I used to be but again, I don't know if we're even close to making a deal so it still might not happen. So we'll see.
Hawaii Five-0 airs Fridays at 9 p.m. ET/PT on CBS.
#alex o'loughlin#Alex O'Loughlin director#Alex O'loughlin direct#H50#h50 episode 8.18#h50 season 8#Steve McGarrett
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Ectober Day 4: Memories
Summary: The aftermath of the Spirit Event. Vlad gives a bit more away than what either of them expected. A direct continuation from Day 3: Spirits
Warnings: Back to heavy. Depression, isolation, loneliness, dissociation, suicide ideation
Relationships: Platonic Danny and Vlad
Word Count: ~1200
Notes are at the end. Please mind the tags; believe me, my writing exercises aren’t worth your safety. Enjoy! (or don’t, this one’s pretty heavy, I’m afraid)
Vlad and Danny stayed, side by side in companionable silence at the spirits’ chasm for an indeterminate amount of time. It felt fundamentally wrong to leave, the two half-ghosts reluctant to break this strange but comfortable peace that had settled over them.
Humbled in the wake of the vast event, their past squabbles felt embarrassingly petty.
Vlad finally sighed, unwilling to dispel the mood, but knowing if he didn’t make the first move, they would never leave, Daniel clearly awestruck by the spectacle.
“Goodnight, Daniel,” he murmured, as he reluctantly tore his eyes from the chasm and made to leave.
“Wait!”
Vlad jumped.
Daniel’s face flushed with embarrassment.
“It’s just…I don’t…” The boy wrung his hands, eyes casting about as if justification for his outburst would suddenly spring up from the ectoscape.
Luckily, Vlad understood and was feeling merciful tonight. And a little lonely.
“Come,” he offered, softly.
And, for the second time that night, Danny did.
The odd pair made their way through the ghost zone, until Vlad spotted an isolated spot by a waterfall in neutral territory, and sat down by the edge on a boulder. After a moment’s hesitation, the younger half ghost did the same.
They sat in silence for a while, staring into the pool that seemed to have no bottom, occupied by bioluminescent organisms, listening to the rush of the fluid hurtling upward from the depths with a mocking disregard for physics that Danny had come to expect from the Ghost Zone.
It was strange. Danny thought that maybe the atmosphere would change along with the scenery, but Vlad wasn’t projecting hostility, superiority, arrogance, or even discomfort. He felt, not quite sad? Maybe a bit wistful?
Melancholy.
That was the term he was looking for, and without the distraction of the setting, Danny could see it for what it was. Of course, it helped that he was experiencing the same thing.
He couldn’t exactly identify why he was feeling this way, but he was almost certain it had to do with the spirits earlier. But now he absolutely had to know.
“Why did you ask me to come with you?”
Vlad turned to look at him, and Danny was struck by the odd impression that this was the first time Vlad had actually seen him, Danny. Not a prize. Not a tool to be used at leisure as a small but disposable component of an elaborate scheme. Not a child. But a person, his equal.
Vlad sighed, finding this question difficult to answer.
“Quite honestly, Daniel, I had no plans to bring you along tonight, not at first. But when I had completed the predictory calculations, and imagined the scale of the event…I…”
Vlad struggled with himself, looking torn. It was not as fun as Danny had always imagined it would be, having Vlad at a loss for words. Of course, Danny had always envisioned rendering Vlad speechless with a show of superior ability, not…whatever this was. Not that he was complaining! It was…nice, in a way. He felt that maybe he was seeing Vlad for the first time too. With his usual walls down, Danny could see them for what they were. There really was a person underneath all the grandeur.
Vlad turned slowly back to the pool, staring forlornly into the depths, voice barely a whisper.
“I have no idea why I’m telling you this. I really shouldn’t, but…my tongue is strangely loose tonight, and I feel strangely compelled to share. The spirit event shakes me to the core, brings up feelings that normally remain buried. Logically, I know that this is a rash decision brought about by a feeling of vulnerability as a result of a significant event. But I know that you won’t use this against me.”
Vlad chuckled bitterly.
“Foolish, I know. But the first time I ever stumbled on the event, I can say with certainty and without hint of irony that it changed my life. I was tired, numb, and intimately aware of how utterly alone I was. I had found that chasm during my explorations, and had idly wondered what it would feel like to lose myself in its depths. Sometimes I would just stare, for hours on end.”
Danny was taken aback, but didn’t dare to make a sound. He couldn’t believe that Vlad was telling him this. He didn’t know what to think, what to say, so he just listened.
“Imagine my surprise when one day the spirits rose from the depths. It was,”
Vlad paused, his face alight with wonder.
“It was like…I was born again, but also dying, and floating, and…well, you get the idea. I know you felt it too. Going through the aftermath, alone…”
Vlad raised a hand, obscuring his eyes.
“I wouldn’t wish the experience on my worst enemy. Imagine feeling as you are right now, but without the support of family or friends waiting for you at home. I wouldn’t trade the experience for the world, but I couldn’t trust myself to go through it alone, again. I can say with complete honesty that I have no idea how I managed it last time. I mean, the chasm is right--”
Vlad cut himself off, sharply, shaking his head.
“Trust me when I say it wasn’t an option. But I couldn’t miss it. And,” he added, looking over at Daniel, “I suppose I wasn’t exactly honest with you earlier. I’m sure it’s not a surprise. But I did mean what I said about this being our culture, Daniel, us, as half-ghosts, not our ghost sides.
“I looked into this phenomena quite thoroughly, as you can imagine, when I could bring myself to do so. It was frustrating, to go through such a dynamic change and tell other ghosts about it, only to realize that not a soul felt as I did. My allies grew very tired of listening me wax poetic about it. Ghosts don’t think of this display as much more than a mundane occurrence. They looked at me like I was insane when I spoke so highly of it. It doesn’t resonate with them, as it does us.
“I believe that it requires both of our aspects to appreciate the magnitude and significance of the event. I have many theories and no way to test them, but I get the impression that the spirits bridge the gap between the human and ghost dimensions in some way. Maybe they’re the spirits of the deceased. Maybe they represent something entirely foreign, but regardless, they make us feel something. Ghosts and humans alike lack the connection between both worlds. Ghosts fail to register the emotion of the event, and it’s much too alien for humans to form the necessary connection. We are in the unique position to appreciate this, and it’s hard to know how to feel about it.”
Vlad sighed, before continuing with a thought that would stick with Danny just as much as the spirit event.
“You have no idea how much it meant to me to be able to share this with you. For the first time in more than twenty years, I don’t feel quite as alone.”
Vlad tensed; clearly, he had revealed more than he had originally planned, and the significance of this seemed to hit him hard, because he looked about ready to bolt. Danny felt compelled to reassure him, and resolved to think about how weird that was later.
“Thank you,” he simply stated.
“I’m glad you did.”
A/N: Sorry for the sad, but it felt wrong to leave the last part without a discussion of the fallout. And it fit so perfectly with the theme!
Day 5 will be a direct sequel to this part, and should be up in the next couple of hours. This wasn’t my original intent, but unless otherwise stated, all the parts can be read as belonging to the same universe. Assume Phantom Planet didn’t happen. Thanks for reading!
#danny phantom fanfiction#ectober 2017#flightyfiction#vlad masters#danny phantom#danny fenton#vlad plasmius#ghost zone#tw depression#tw isolation#tw loneliness#tw suicide ideation#tw dissociation#i write funny things too#i promise
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Take Shelter - The Defenders blog
(SPOILER WARNING: The following is an in-depth critical analysis. If you haven’t seen this episode yet, you may want to before reading this review)
You know, in my few moments of brief optimism, I hoped that once The Defenders had got past all the boring setup and the plot finally kicked into gear, things might finally start to get interesting and exciting.
Well the plot has finally kicked into gear... and I’m neither interested nor excited. That’s the last time I ever try to be optimistic.
After a quick fight in the Chinese restaurant, the Defenders high tail it over to a disused warehouse with a hostage in tow. Now I know what you’re thinking. This bears a striking resemblance to the brilliant episode Condemned from the first season of Daredevil where Matt tries to interrogate that Russian mobster about Kingpin’s operation whilst under siege because of a police raid. It was extremely tense and engaging throughout because you genuinely weren't sure if Matt was going to get the information and/or get out of the situation he’s currently trapped in. Take Shelter copies that same basic premise, but fails to replicate what made it so good in the first place. For one thing there’s no tension other than the vague threat that some of the supporting characters might get killed (which is unlikely to happen, let’s be honest). Also in Daredevil we actually spent some time getting to know the Russian mobster Vladamir and his brother, and it felt like the previous episodes were sort of building up to this moment. Here we know absolutely nothing about Sowande and because the show has spent half (that’s HALF) its narrative faffing about with mostly pointless shit, there’s no buildup to this confrontation whatsoever and it feels like the characters haven’t fought or worked hard enough to get this stage. It’s like the show has just arbitrarily handed them a villain to interrogate on a silver platter.
I wouldn’t mind except Sowande isn’t even very interesting. He just spouts the usual cliche villain dialogue like that he’ll never crack, and that the heroes will turn each other, and that making emotional attachments is a mistake because they’ll be used against them. Yawn. Anyway, this scares the Defenders enough to collect their assortment of love interests and supporting characters in order to protect them. You know, when Marvel announced the long laundry list of supporting characters that would appear in this show, I was rather hoping they’d actually contribute something useful to the plot rather than just being the equivalent of trinkets.
Okay, maybe that’s not entirely fair. Hidden amongst the dross, there are some genuinely emotional moments. Two in fact. Once you get past the idiocy of her moaning at Danny to find some allies only to then complain when he does finally get some allies, the scene where Colleen encounters Bakuto again and has to confront her conflicted feelings about him with help from Claire was really quite impactful. It’s important to remember that she hasn’t just left a group. She’s discovered that her entire life and everything she’s been brought up to believe is a lie. She’s questioning her very identity, and Jessica Henwick does an excellent job conveying that. The other scene I liked was the quiet exchange between Matt and Karen, where she discovers that Matt is taking up the Daredevil mantle again. What’s upsetting is that Matt seems genuinely apologetic about the situation. He clearly doesn’t want to put the suit on, but he’s in a position where he has no choice. Of course Karen doesn’t believe that and it seems this could be the final nail in the coffin for their relationship, and that’s legitimately sad. Charlie Cox and Deborah Ann Woll both do a wonderful job selling the unspoken feelings and frustrations of their characters, and it’s definitely the most moving scene in the show so far.
In all honesty, Daredevil is the only thing about The Defenders I’m mildly invested in. The others I couldn’t give two shits. Jessica Jones is still a shallow caricature of herself, Luke Cage increasingly feels like the spare wheel of the group, not contributing anything of substance or value and seems to spend most of his time standing in the background like a bouncer at a nightclub, and Iron Fist appears to have had the final teaspoon of dignity scooped out of him and has been reduced to little more than a plot device. Turns out the Hand need him for... something (I don’t know. I’m past caring at this point) and in the final ‘climax’, Sowande escapes and holds a knife to Danny’s throat, threatening to take him away. Gee! If only Danny had some super power or something to help him out of this scrape! (I’m amazed at the number of people saying that this show fixes all the problems with Iron Fist because so far the character has been next to useless. Something pretty miraculous must happen in the last three episodes. Maybe he undergoes a full body and personality transplant and turns into Jackie Chan).
Oh and just to add insult to injury Stick kills Sowande at the end, basically rendering this entire episode completely pointless. Thanks Marvel. That’s another hour of my life wasted. And then things take a turn for the stupid when Matt tells everyone the truth about Elektra, which leads to what is quickly becoming a staple of this show, the characters bitching and arguing. And I don’t even understand what they’re arguing about. Matt didn’t lie to them. He just withheld information that was clearly very personal and painful to him. And why is helping and converting Elektra completely out of the question? I’m particularly surprised that Danny would be against this considering that he knows one other person who defected from the Hand and he’s currently shagging her.
Not that I’m in a hurry to see Elektra be converted into a fully fledged Defender. I’ve spoken at length in my Daredevil reviews why I find this interpretation of Elektra to be so irritating, and I won’t repeat myself here. But I will say I find it humorous that the show is desperately trying to get you to form an emotional connection with her by giving us all these prolonged shots of her staring at her own reflection like a deer in the headlights, and curling up on Matt’s bed like a tiny child. Of course it doesn’t work because Elektra is such a fundamentally flawed and unlikeable character, and I couldn’t give a single shit if she lives or dies (preferably dies). I certainly don’t want to see her and Matt get together. I’m still utterly confused as to why he’s attracted to her in the first place. Is he drawn to her selfish and arrogant attitude or her total disregard for human life? And another thing, isn’t the whole point of a loved one turned brainwashed assassin (a stinking cliche in and of itself) supposed to be that they’re different brainwashed than they are when they’re independent? Matt keeps saying that the real Elektra is still inside, as though the real Elektra is any different from the Elektra currently standing in front of them. But is she though? Really? Think about it. The Hand took a sociopathic killer and brainwashed her into... a sociopathic killer. I hate to break this to you Matt, but this is the real Elektra. The only real difference is that she doesn’t talk that much (and some might say that’s actually an improvement).
Oh yeah. It transpires that apparently the other members of the Hand are getting just as sick to death of this Black Sky bullshit as I am and are threatening to get rid of Alexandra. This is all a product of the Hand becoming so fractured and disorganised that they don’t even see eye to eye on matters anymore, as evidenced by Bakuto and Madame Gao, but it still begs the question as to why Alexandra let the Hand become so fractured and disorganised in the first bloody place. And what was all that crap about her being a great warrior? Since when?! We haven’t seen her do any fighting! In the fight in the Chinese restaurant, she ran away and hid in the bravery car. You know? Where the brave people sit until the danger passes. I can’t tell if she’s supposed to be a coward and a bullshit artist or if this is just monumentally bad writing (knowing Marvel, it’s probably the latter).
So that’s Take Shelter. It’s not original, clever or even very entertaining, but look on the bright side. At least stuff is actually happening now.
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Imagine Rafael figuring out that you're his daughter (TPELB PART THREE)
(A/N: Sorry this is going up later than usual! It took me a while to finish. I hope you enjoy this new installment! I’m glad to hear that you’re enjoying it so far)
Masterlist with all the Parts HERE
Imagine Rafael figuring out that you're his daughter
“Are you okay?” Will asked, eyeing you up after sipping up some of his drink heartily as you had barely touched your own.
You let go of the glass and pushed to the side, you had been playing with the straw and making circles in your milkshake instead of you know actually drinking it.
“Hmm?” He prompted, a concerned look on his face but the waitress came up to check on the two of you.
You watched him as he dismissed her with his awarding winning smile, a quick nod and a brief ‘thank you’.
“Y/N,” He persisted, narrowing his eyes at you, he probably knew by now that you weren’t saying anything on purpose, “What’s going on in that genius little head of yours?”
“Physics mostly,” You sighed, finally speaking.
“Hey!” He protested playfully, “I thought we agreed on no shop talk at dinner!”
“Says the man who spent the past fifteen minutes telling me about the inmate he got released on a technicality,” You pointed out.
“Yeah, but I’m the adult,” He offered poorly, as a defense, “So I can change the rules,”
“You’re really lucky that technician forgot to wear gloves,” You said, shaking your head in disappointment.
“That wasn’t very nice,” He countered.
“I was only being truthful, you are lucky. You told me about all the evidence you had before you found that out or should I say lack thereof,” You shrugged.
“Sometimes being truthful can be hurtful,” He offered, trying to be insightful.
“But wouldn’t it hurt more if I lied to you and then you later found out that I lied to you. It’s more beneficial for you and for me,” You defied.
“How so?” He asked skeptically.
“It’s better to keep our consciences clear,” You grinned.
“You know for someone who preaches about honesty so much you sure do lie a lot,” He commented, before taking another dramatic sip for emphasis, eyeing you up triumphantly.
“When have I lied?” You demanded, narrowing your eyes at him and crinkling your nose, annoyed.
“Well, you lied when you said that physics on your mind and when you said you were okay,” He retold.
“I never said I was okay,” You reminded.
“Which is an admission of guilt,” He stated adamantly, pointing his finger at you.
“So I am okay?” You asked, confused.
“No, you’re not okay,” He corrected for you.
“I’m pretty sure that I know that I would know if I was okay or not,” You speculated, unconvinced.
“Not always, you’re extremely intelligent but not always that emotionally intelligent,” He pointed out.
“So, I’m not okay?” You inquired.
“No, you’re not,” He stated.
“Okay,” You accepted reluctantly.
“So what’s wrong?” He asked once again.
“I don’t know I thought I was okay,” You shrugged, playing dumb.
“Y/N,” He repeated sternly.
“Okay.Okay,” You gave in with a sigh, “Maybe I was lying about thinking about physics,”
“I knew it. You had your confused face and you never look like that when you’re thinking about physics. You don’t even need to think about it. It’s like its second nature to you,” He began to rave triumphantly.
“Are you done?” You questioned, unamused.
“Yeah,” He nodded quickly, before instructing lightly, “Now your thing. Tell me what’s up,”
You took a deep breath. You locked eyes with your Mom’s old partner. He had a genuinely concerned look on his face as he stared back at you. You couldn’t help but cave plus you knew that he was the only person you could ask this question to and have them be completely honest in their response. Which is why you liked meeting up with him every week.
You’ve known Will your entire life. He was basically a part of your family. He had been your mom’s old partner for years before you were born and was up until she died. He left the force after that, understandably, and went back into law and started working and still does at some prestigious city law firm that handles business contracts. Though he occasionally does pro bono work for a charity that helps with suspected miscarriages of justice. Will had taken an active part in your life since before you could remember. Your mom was a single mother through her pregnancy and the first three years of life and though she had a lot of support from you family he was there for her as her best friend and partner. He loved her and you a lot before anything happened. And after she died he continued to be in your life.
When you were little he’d take you out for a day every couple of weeks. But once you grew up a bit, you started seeing each other every week. You went out to eat and then you alternated from going to the movies or to his place to watch TV. You loved TV shows and he loved movies which is why you alternated so you both could do what you wanted. You didn’t a get a lot of time to do it during the week so you always looked forward to it. It was your escape you didn’t have to think while doing it. He dropped you off back at your Grandpas after spending a couple of hours together which was your Grandpa’s only condition as thought it was good for you to spend time together. he understood why you liked spending time with Will.
Your family tries hard to tell you as much about your mother as possible, so you feel as if you know her but the problem is when you love someone and when they have passed away, people especially those who loved them often presented a more idealized picture of them. You know that there must have days where every single one of your family members didn’t like your mom too much but that doesn’t take away from how much they loved her. But of course, they don’t dwell on that part because they miss her so much. Which you completely understand and don’t blame them for but it’s just that when you wonder about your Mother all you have is this version of her and you know it’s not what she was always like.
Will, even though he loved her so much, always speaks about her as if she was still alive and if she was sitting beside him which means that sometimes he talks about the bad experiences as well as the good ones. That was the sort of relationship they had, they teased and messed with each other constantly. He loved her, probably more than you know you suspect. He just loves doing it because it helps him remember and you, of course, love hearing about it because it does make you feel more connected to her. The real her, the one that everyone loved so much and still do.
Will spoke openly about everything involving her, including the cases, they solved together. He had a really good memory so he always remembered and talked about the little things about her. Things that other things didn’t. He saw Like how she crinkled her nose when she was annoyed or cracked her fingers when she was nervous. Stuff that made her an actual person and not just a memory. He loved it when you asked questions about her or what she would think about thinks because he got to talk about all the things he knew about her.
But of course, that wasn’t the only reason you spent time with Will. You actually loved spending time with him. He was funny and made sure that the time you had together wasn’t about work or life in general. Also, he cared about you and love spending time with you as much as you did him. It may sound weird thirteen-year-old being best friends with a thirty something but you needed each other. You helped each other heal. You knew your Mom’s death affected him in many ways and not just career-wise and being around you helped. And vice versa.
“Do you think my mom would have liked me?” You finally let out.
“Ooh okay,” He nodded, thinking deeply, “That’s a pretty heavy question for this early in the evening,”
“That’s why I didn’t want to say anything,” You reminded, playing it off slightly, “You asked for this,”
“I know,” He chuckled lightly, “I’m learning my lesson, right now,”
“You don’t have to answer,” You offered sympathetically, knowing that it was a heavy question.
“No, I want to.” He insisted, “I’m just trying to think of the right words,”
“Don’t,” You said.
“Do you want an honest answer?” He asked.
“Of course,” You stated.
“Well,” He began, “First things first, she loved and would love if she were still here, you more than anything else. I don’t think I can ever describe how much she loved you and it wasn’t just because you were a kid or anything. It was because she spent her whole life taking care of other people, making sure they were happy before she was. She was a lot like your Uncle Danny. She would do anything for a person who she loved or needed help. Which meant sometimes that short temper of hers made her bend the rules for it but fundamentally she was a good person and is quite sensitive like your Uncle Danny, right?”
“Yeah,” You agreed, with a small smile, thinking about your Uncle Danny.
“What I’m trying to say is that because of how much she gave,” He continued, “that she didn’t always treat herself that well because she had this mentality if the people she loved were okay then so was she even if she wasn’t. But joining the force as the first Reagan female and you were the only things that she truly did for herself. There is no denying that when she first found out she was going to have you that she considered a lot of options because the fact was that she was alone in all this. And you know a lot of people told her that she couldn’t do it and there was nothing more that she loved, a lot like you really was proving people wrong. She had you because she wanted to no matter what anyone else wanted. I’m not saying that she didn’t have support because she did. But you are the embodiment of her strength and the resilience of her spirit. Remember that okay! She loved you so much, you were her whole world, from the second you were born. I wish I could describe her face when she first saw you. That was just pure love and happiness. The three years that she got to spend with you were best she ever had, you don’ know how much she wanted to see you grow up and be with you. You will remember, won’t you? Promise me that…”
“I promise,” You complied, taking his hand.
“But to answer your question, would she have you liked you. If I’m being honest, I think she would struggle. She would love you unconditionally but I do think she would struggle because you are so smart and you are so different from her. In every way, besides you know the face. You have the same ticks and the same face but you are nothing alike. I think she would find you weird. Like really weird. She just wouldn’t get you but she would try hard to. Like I can just imagine her trying to help you were homework and being utterly useless. She would like you but she just wouldn’t get you no matter how hard she tried. She’d probably spend most her time trying to distract you so you could do something that she would think was fun. Like some sort of sport.” He finished.
“Really?” You giggled.
“Oh yeah,” He chuckled before putting on a sneaky women’s voice, “She’d be like Y/N. Stop with the Quantum Physics! Let’s go running and then play football and then eat ice cream until our stomachs hurt,”
“Pretty sure all of me would hurt after jogging and playing football consecutively,” You grinned before whispering, “Thank you,”
“Hey,” He whispered back, leaning over the table a little bit, “You don’t have to thank me, ever. Come here,”
You slipped out of your seat across from his and hugged him tightly.
“Next time try and save the heavy questions for when I’ve had a couple of beers,” He joked.
“You don’t drink,” You reminded still engulfed in the hug.
“Exactly,” He continued to joke, “I love you Y/N,”
“I love you too,” You replied kissing his cheek before he hugged you tighter.
And as you hugged the man you had for a long time wished was your Dad, your real Dad was still in his office. He had thought about you and the past a lot.
He knew that he knew your Mother before and that they had been together around the time you were conceived. You suppose he was still in shock about it all. It had been while since he had last thought about that girl he met in the bar. He just couldn’t believe it all, it was hard for him to process. He couldn’t help but mull over all the possibilities that could explain it all expect for the truth. At that point, he was avoiding the obvious because it just seemed so unlikely to him. He didn’t believe in fate and the thought of it bringing him and you the daughter of that girl he couldn’t ever stop thinking about. Seemed like beyond the scope of coincidence.
He wouldn’t accept the obvious and take the action that he thought was right until he was confronted will the cold hard truth. And while you were Will, talking and reminiscing about your mother he was figuring out the truth.
He had decided to stay late that Friday evening, finishing up the work he had. Trying to keep the thoughts at bay by distracting himself. And in by doing so, he finished everything quite quickly, clearly, it had taken a lot to distract him. He was packing up to leave when he got a call from your Aunt Erin, who was also staying late and was also working in her office. He walked down the hall to her office, where she was sitting at her desk and looking intently at the screen.
“You’re here late,” Your Aunt Erin commented as the door shut not even looking up at the man who walked into her office.
“So are you,” He countered, walking over to the seats in front of her desk.
“I’ve got like five current cases,” He sighed.
“Try managing 40,” She quipped jokingly.
They engaged in general work talk, settling on one case to focus on as they were both involved. They were informing each over of their mutual suspects. There came a point when your Aunt Erin, instructed him to look at a witness statement that was on her monitor. He circled the desk and she moved well out the way so he could read it comfortably.
As his lines traveled line from line, as your Aunt Erin continued to talk to him. His gaze fell off the monitor screen and landed on a nearby picture. Your Aunt Erin’s desk and her whole office were littered with photo frames filled with pictures of her family. Including your mother. She kept a picture of you as a baby and your mother close and predominately on her desk, second only to a picture of your cousin Nicky.
You were around one in the picture. You and your mother were standing on a porch at your Grandpa’s house. You assume your Uncle Jamie was taking the photo as he was an avid photographer, not so much anymore. Your Mom was smiling at the camera, cuddling you close, while you were looking up at her, your arm reaching up to her face. Your new green eyes wide as you looked up in awe at the women you had the privilege of calling your mother. It was a beautiful, poignant photo but you had seen it so many time that it had lost its spark with you but you understood why your Aunt Erin kept it so close. Your mom looked so happy in that picture and that’s how she wanted to remember her. Happy.
It was in that moment when Mr. Barba looked at that picture that it all made sense to him. He couldn’t deny it anymore. He had what he knew and he knew it all equated to a high possibility that he was your father. You don’t know what about this picture made him accept it all or it to finally click and neither did he. Perhaps it was large green eyes that were exactly like his. Or maybe it was just your Mother’s face, bright and happy. Or maybe even that even then you looked so much like her, it was uncanny. He couldn’t deny that he once knew her anymore. He couldn’t deny or convince himself against any of this anymore. He was your Father and deep down, he knew it.
“Rafael!” Your Aunt Erin snapped, bringing him back to reality, “Where’d you go?”
“Sorry, it’s late and it’s been a long day,” He played off expertly, composing himself.
“I understand,” She sympathized, “Why don’t you head home and we can look at this on Monday, right?”
“Yeah,” He nodded, “That sounds good,”
“Good,” She smiled.
There was a brief pause between them.
“That’s Y/N, right?” He asked, casually, gesturing to the picture that had entranced him so.
“Yeah,” Your Aunt Erin nodded.
“And that’s your sister?” He inquired softly.
“She was beautiful, right?” She smiled sadly, picking up the picture, “Just like Y/N,”
“She was,” He agreed, “I’m sorry. I just noticed the picture. It was just so you know…”
“I understand and you don’t need to apologize. It’s natural to be curious,” She nodded sympathetically, “It’s why I keep it so close. It’s the closest I’ll ever get to being with her again. ”
“I’m going to go,” He announced, “Have a good night Erin,”
“You too,” She waved off.
He shut the door and headed back to the office, only to grab his bag and phone. Shutting and locking his office, he began walking down the hall, scrolling through his phone. Looking for one particular number. He tapped it quickly once he found it and put it immediately to his ear waiting for it to be answered.
“Hey,” He sighed in relief once a voice crackled over the phone, “I know it’s late but I really need your help…”
“Y/N,” Your Uncle Danny singsonged, waving a file around as he practically skipped into the living room.
It was a couple of days later, early Sunday afternoon. Family lunch was being prepared and you your cousins were sitting in your Grandpa’s living room waiting for it all to be done so you could eat. Sean and Jack were playing video games while Nicky was making you listen to an album in an attempt to convince you to attend a concert of said artist because apparently if it’s only her and her mom going it would be nothing less of a disaster.
“Sorry, Uncle Danny,” Nicky responded, keeping the headphones on your head after you struggled to take them off at the faint sound of someone calling your name, “Y/N is busy at the moment,”
“Doing what?” He questioned skeptically, leaning on the back of the couch and staring at the two of you who were sitting on the rug by the coffee table.
“Listening,” She insisted, turning up the volume so you couldn’t hear anything anymore.
You gave Nicky a look, trying to indicate that your eardrums were seconds from rupturing. She quickly turned down the volume and once she looked away you took the opportunity to remove the headphones.
“Y/N!” She scolded as soon as she saw but caving, “What did you think?”
“It was thought-provoking,” You offered.
“But did you like it?” She persisted.
“Enough,” You shrugged.
“Enough to listen to it for three hours?” She continued to inquire.
“Maybe, I’ll listen to again. Like I did with the first album and hopefully, I’ll understand better. Get me the ticket.” You suggested hopefully, to make her feel better.
You knew that you were going to go regardless of what you thought of the music but you couldn’t say that outright as Nicky would only want you to come if she knew that you would enjoy yourself as much as she will.
“Thank you so so much,” She smiled, hugging you tightly, “You’re the best and saving me from so much lecturing,”
“I live to help,” You joked, before looking over her shoulder at your Uncle Danny who was watching with a confused expression.
“Are you done?” He asked.
“Yeah,” You nodded.
“Good,” He grinned, before jumping over the couch childishly, “I need you to take a look at this,”
“What is it,” You standing up and taking a seat on the couch beside where he had filed.
“It’s a case,” He whispered, looking around to see if anyone one else was around.
“I thought you weren’t allowed to show Y/N any more cases,” Nicky piped up and reminded.
“This one is important,” He stated.
“You said that last time,” Your Uncle Jamie chimed in, coming from nowhere, taking a seat in the armchair, a beer in his hand.
“Oh look it’s the morality police,” Your Uncle Danny defied tactfully, “And no the last time was the first time and that time. Y/N accidentally saw my file after I accidentally left it on the counter. Who am I to stop curious minds?”,”
“Well that’s is not what’s happening here. And I’m just curious why you are showing a thirteen-year-old a case file for a double homicide?” Your Uncle Jamie persisted.
“Because I solved the last case he showed me in five minutes even though he had been was working on for weeks,” You informed.
“Danny, do you even care about the effects that it could have on Y/N, showing her all this stuff?” Jamie demanded.
“She’s fine,” Uncle Danny insisted, “Right?”
You nodded, “I’ve seen much worse,”
“Where?” Uncle Danny asked
“Uncle Jamie showed Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” You added.
“But I’m the bad influence,” Your Uncle Danny said dramatically.
“In my defense, it isn’t as bad as an actual dead body. That could do some serious damage. Haven’t you learned your lesson by now?” Jamie defended.
“Yeah Uncle Danny,” Nicky added.
“I told you to stay in the car,” He reminded Nicky.
“You shouldn’t have taken her in the first place,” Your Aunt Erin suddenly added from the doorway.
“Is everyone getting involved now?” Danny sighed, “I wasn’t even going to show her the pictures.”
“She’s still a kid,” She continued to insist.
“She’s not really a kid though,” He argued.
“Why, is she technically a teenager?” She questioned, unamused and still disapproving.
“I was going to say genius,” He corrected.
“Thanks,” You said.
“No problem,” He smiled at you, “Instead of listening to these guys. I’ll just ask you what you want to do, do you want to take a look or not?”
You nodded, “I find it fascinating,”
“Are you sure?” Your Aunt Erin asked.
“He makes a point not to show me any of the really bad stuff and it truly is just the factual information. It’s like reading a true crime novel. It’s like a puzzle,” You reassured and defending, “Plus it's really good bonding experience,”
“You see. Looks like I’m not that bad after all,” Your Uncle Danny said triumphantly, “You always were my favorite Niece,”
“Hey!” Nicky protested.
“Under fifteen,” He quickly amended.
“And it’s great to solve things Danny can’t in under ten minutes,” You added, giving your Uncle Jamie and Aunt Erin a wink.
“Hey!” Your Uncle Danny protested.
“Don’t worry,” You comforted, “Uncle Joe and Sonny ask me to do it sometimes.”
“I knew it!” He said.
“Knew what?” Your Uncle Joe added, popping his head around the door, “And food’s ready,”
“After lunch?” Your Uncle Danny asked.
“After lunch,” You confirmed.
After everything was said and done and everyone was going home. You tagged along with your Aunt Erin and Nicky, to go shopping in the city. Apparently, you were in dire need of new clothes, a fact that you were unaware of. Particularly as you were usually stuck in your uniform most of the time. On the way, your Aunt Erin had to stop at her office to get some stuff that couldn’t wait until tomorrow. You took the opportunity to hunt for your missing headphones that you had lost a couple of days earlier.
You couldn’t find them in her office so you assumed they would be in Mr. Barba’s. You went to take a look despite your Aunt Erin’s warnings that it was most likely locked as he wasn’t in. But as you approached, you saw that the door was ajar and that there were lights coming from inside.
“Mr. Barba?” You questioned as you stepped in, you watched him turn around in surprise and spot you.
“Y/N?” He questioned confused, “What are you doing here?”
“My Aunt Erin was getting something from her office and I was looking for my headphones,” You explained, confused and cowering slightly at his intense gaze.
He was staring intently at you.
“You mean these?” He asked, picking them off from the shelf and walking over to hand them to you.
“Yeah, thanks,” You said as you took them with a smile, “So what are you doing here?”
“Just getting some work done and I have a meeting with someone,” He informed quickly.
“On a Sunday afternoon?” You questioned, skeptically.
“It’s urgent,” He offered.
“Oh, I see,” You nodded, taking that as the reason as why he was acting so strange.
He still hadn’t taken his eyes off you as if he was studying you.
“Is it about a case?” You inquired.
“Yeah,” He replied but he titled his head as if he were lying, “She should be here at any minute.”
“I should leave then,” You said, turning.
“It was nice to see you Y/N,” He called after you, causing you to stop a couple of feet away from the door.
“You too…” You smiled, understanding that he was clearly doing something important, you were about to say something but you were interrupted.
“Rafael?” You heard a women say from behind.
Causing you to turn around and look at her.
“Hi,” You smiled, catching sight of the pretty women that stepped into Mr. Barba’s office.
“Hi,” She returned, looking at you intently, just like he was.
“I was just leaving,” You said awkwardly, with a wave, before slipping out of that suspiciously increasingly intense situation, “Bye,”
But you shook off the thought, running back down the corridor back to your Aunt Erin and cousin Nicky. Unaware of what was going on in the office that she just left.
“Are you sure about all of this?” The woman inquired as soon as you were out the door.
“Even more so now after all of this,” Mr. Barba confirmed, tossing a brown envelope on his desk which he retrieved from the draw of his desk.
“Was that her?” The woman asked, taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of Mr. Barba’s desk.
“Yes,” He nodded, from his seat behind the desk, looking at the door that you had just closed before turning to look at her, “That was my daughter,”
#law and order svu#Law and Order: Special Victims Unit#law and order svu imagine#Blue Bloods#blue bloods imagine#svu#svu imagine#SVUxbluebloods#bluebloodsxSVU#rafael barba#rafael barba imagine#ada rafael barba#ada rafael barba imagine#Reagan#Danny Reagan#Erin Reagan#Jamie Reagan#Joe Reagan#danny reagan imagine#jamie reagan imagine#joe reagan imagine#svubloods#the people ericka left behind#imagine
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Orders From Casper - Phanfic
[A/N: I wrote this phanfic for a creative writing assignment in my english class, because why not? I also thought I’d post it here, because why not? Hope you guys like it! c:]
“Please, Mayor Casper. I promise he can change.”
“No, Phil. My decision is final. Dan Howell is too creative to live in a place like this. I order you to find him and bring him to me. We can either talk some sense into this boy, or he will have to leave.”
Phil sighed. He’d been trying for hours to convince the mayor of London to let his friend stay in their shared apartment. He was sure that being the mayor’s advisor, he could find some sort of loophole, but it seemed that all of his efforts would be in vain. “Do you have any other arguments to make, Mr. Lester?” The pudgy old man inquired. “No, sir” Phil replied sadly. “Then go find your friend. I need to speak with him before his ideas get to the people of London.”
“Yes, sir.”
Phil walked out of the tall office building into the rainy street, pulling the collar of his coat closer to his face and covering his ebony hair in a hood. He walked with his head down towards the direction of their apartment building, only looking up to glance at the large screen that displayed the date and time. September 20th, 2030. 4:45 pm. As he walked, his mood worsened when he thought of the possibilities that could transpire over the next few hours. He could lose his friend forever.
A long time ago, London was a place of prosperity and happiness. It was watched over by Mayor Casper and his wife. Julia Casper was one of the kindest and sweetest people the city had ever known. She was very bright and creative, and picked up a hobby as a painter, making abstract art that she displayed in the town hall. However, things quickly took a drastic turn for the worse. Her work soon began to consume her, and it was eventually all she would ever do. She would never eat, she would never sleep, and whenever her husband tried to make her do those things, all she could think about was her next painting. It got so bad that the mayor called in a therapist to speak with her and help her sort through this addiction she had started. Unfortunately, it was too late, and she died from malnourishment a few days later. Ever since then, Mayor Casper has had a ban on creativity, for fear it would cost more lives.
To ensure that nobody used their creativity, Mayor Casper had made it a requirement for every citizen of London to install security cameras in their homes. One afternoon, Dan Howell decided to play a simple tune on his old white piano. The next day, Phil had been called into the Mayor’s office.
I can’t do it. Phil thought. I can’t force Dan to come to the Mayor’s office and confess. What kind of friend would do that? He had heard horror stories of what happened to the people who were caught, but he had never seen it in person. Would Dan be exiled? Would he be killed? He decided not to think about the options as he continued to walk, following the familiar streets on auto-pilot.
The door opened with a creak as he stepped inside. “Dan?” He called out to the dark space. There was some shuffling from another room.
“Hey, Phil. Didn’t know you’d be home this early.” Phil shrugged. “You okay?”
Phil looked up at the back right corner of their living room, the white camera staring at him tauntingly. It was almost as if it was saying, tell him. Tell him what he did wrong. You know he’s in the wrong right now.
“Dan, were you playing the piano yesterday?”
The other man shrugged. “Yeah. Why?”
“You know there’s a law against that, right?”
Phil could see his friend’s cheerful mood suddenly disappear from his features. “Oh no.”
Phil nodded. “They caught you. Casper called me into his office today. He says he wants to speak with you. Now.”
“Oh my god, Phil. I’m so sorry. I really am. I completely forgot about that. Oh no.” Dan began to pace around the room nervously, running his fingers through his curly brown hair. “We need to go talk to him.”
The two boys headed back out into the rainy afternoon, walking closely together on the sidewalk and keeping their heads down. Dan’s eyes followed the rhythmic pattern of the sidewalk tiles, and he almost kept walking after Phil had stopped at the door to his office. As they rode up the elevator, Phil whispered some advice into Dan’s ear. “Let him do all of the talking first, and then when you talk, speak lowly and collectedly. He won’t like any of your normal sass that you give to me.” Both of them chuckled softly. “Okay.” Dan replied. They walked out of the elevator and went down a long hallway to a creaky old door that read MAYOR R. CASPER in bolded letters on the window. Phil knocked, rocking back and forth slightly on the balls of his feet and letting out a soft and nervous sigh.
Mayor Casper opened the door and eyed the two tall men suspiciously. “Come in.”
The mayor’s office was a cold and musty room, with a single lamp turned on at the back corner. There was an old wooden desk with all sorts of marks from the wear and tear of the years gone by, with a faux leather chair behind it. He hobbled over to the chair and sat down, casting his cane aside haphazardly and inviting the two men to sit down. Dan tried to mask his antsy expression. As they turned to listen to the mayor, Phil reached to squeeze his friend’s hand in reassurance. He heard Dan let out another nervous breath.
“Mr. Howell.” The mayor began. “I understand you were playing the piano in your home yesterday. Is that correct?”
“Y..yes, sir.”
“Do you know the policy that comes with doing that, or any other creative activity?”
Dan gulped. “It’s...against the law, sir.”
“Indeed it is. If only my fair Julia had witnessed such an act. Of course, she never would have. She was always too tied up in her artwork. She had to go too soon because of it. It’s a shame.” The mayor appeared to be staring at a nonspecific location on the wall behind Dan and Phil. Phil turned his head slightly to look, but there was nothing on the wall. His attention snapped back to in front of him when Mayor Casper began to speak again.
“Now is it Dan? Daniel? Danny?”
“Dan is fine.” His face was expressionless.
“Dan. You have two options. One, you allow my staff to come to your apartment for a search and to remove any objects that violate this law. Two, you leave the city of London forever, never to return, and ultimately leave all of your friends and family behind. The choice is yours. If you choose to leave London, you will enter your new home through the portal underneath the city. However, I must warn you. I am not certain where that portal will take you. It may take you to paradise, or it may take you to your worst nightmare.” Phil had heard of the mysterious grate that led to a swirling pool of darkness in the center of the city. He had never seen it himself, but he now knew that it was not legend. His friend sat in silence, wringing his fingers together and staring down at the floor. He could almost see the gears turning in Dan’s head, formulating the perfect response to this miserable old man.
“Mayor Casper, I know what my decision will be.” The mayor sat in silence, listening to Dan. “I would rather live anywhere else than here if you are going to deny my right to think. By denying people the right to be creative, you are denying them the joy that comes with dreaming and inventing. The human race evolved from people thinking creatively, and quite honestly, I don’t want to live in a place that will never evolve.” His voice was angrier now, picking up in pitch and in volume. “Now I understand, sir. You had a bad experience with your wife and her death, and this is your form of grief. With all due respect, that is a completely unfair way to show your grief. It’s depriving your entire city of the basic fundamental need to think. No matter where that portal takes me, I know it will be better than this horrible place.” Dan stood up and turned towards the door, and before Phil could tell him to sit down again, he was gone.
Mayor Casper chuckled lowly. Phil looked up from his gaze on the floor. “What’s so funny?” “Your friend is an interesting character, Phil. I’ll admit that. I always wondered how people can question my methods like that without flinching. The nerve they must have to even consider opposing my ways.” A wave of anger came over Phil when he heard this. “Nerve?” He questioned. “Sir, I think the better word would be intelligence.” His boss raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?” “With all due respect Mayor Casper, I think it would be completely unfair of me to sit in your office and obey your orders when you have just sentenced my best friend to an unknown future.” The mayor eyed him warily. “What are you implying, Mr. Lester?”
Phil reached for his badge on the waist of his pants and placed it on the wooden desk. “I quit.”
“Now wait a minute, Phil.”
He walked swiftly out of the room, not turning his head to look back at the old man’s office even once. He knew exactly where his destiny lied. He needed to find Dan.
Later that same day, and after a long discussion in their apartment, Dan and Phil stood over the mysterious grate in the center of the city. With the security guard’s permission, and the grate pried open, the two men joined hands and jumped into their new unknown lives together.
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2016 Movie Year in Review
All the 2016 movies I saw, ranked from worst to best, with superlatives in the end.
Notes:
1. I apologize for some of these reviews being half-assed. I went a bit overboard with this and at a certain point just wanted to be done.
2. Thank you for reading this. Even if you don’t read it all, just pretend that you did and tell me how great I am. I love validation.
3. If you disagree with any of my reviews, please tell me, so I can explain precisely why your taste is shit. I also welcome regular discussion.
91. Diablo – In what was a recurring theme in 2016, I saw this under-the-radar Western despite its’ shitty reviews. I was never one to let critics influence my own opinion on something, and I figured that Scott (son of Clint) Eastwood’s Western debut with a supporting performance from personal-fave Walton Goggins couldn’t be that bad. Well, if it’s completely forgotten about and accomplishes nothing else (it already has been and it doesn’t), “Diablo” shows that even the majority of people can sometimes be totally, totally right.
This film is about a young Civil War veteran whose sexy wife gets kidnapped and he goes out on a journey to rescue her. Along the way, we start to realize that the motivations in the kidnapping and the rescue aren’t so simple, etc. The premise is decent and it starts out well (with one hell of an entrance for Eastwood’s character) but the longer the movie goes on, the exponentially faster it falls apart.
This is one of the most poorly-made and ineptly-written actual movies I’ve ever seen. It’s kind of like an Ed Wood flick minus the schlocky charm. None of the characters in this movie act or talk like actual human beings. It’d be surreal if it felt intentional. I’ve written better screenplays on toilet paper, and I don’t mean with a pen. The dialogue is awful and often goes nowhere, the direction is confusing, guns are shot with zero recoil (a personal trigger for me, no pun intended), the acting (even from good actors like Goggins and Danny Glover) sucks, the plot twist is retarded and obvious from a minute into the movie, and I’m willing to bet that even the catering for this film wasn’t that great either.
If Scott Eastwood wants a future in Westerns (or movies in general), I would ask/bribe/intimidate everyone who saw this film to sign a non-disclosure agreement, which shouldn’t be hard since so few people saw it. “Diablo” has nice intentions, but intentions will only get you so far when everyone involved in the creative process is so inept at their job that they make Sony/Warner Bros. executives look almost competent. It’s would all be hilarious if it wasn’t so damn dull. It feels a bit mean giving my bottom spot to a tiny, independent movie with almost no release when there’s plenty of studio-produced garbage to choose from (more on that shortly), but trust me, even in a shitty year for film like 2016, “Diablo” deserves it.
Nice cinematography, though.
90. Suicide Squad – I’m probably going to spoil parts of the movie here. I also probably won’t proofread this review after I finish writing it. I don’t care, honestly, because just thinking about the aptly-named “Suicide Squad” makes me lose the will to live.
I went into this film expecting it to be garbage even before the negative reviews started pouring in. When I heard that Warner Bros. were planning massive reshoots and rewrites to “make the movie more light-hearted”, a million red flags went up for me. It’s one thing to add in a few additional shots or lines, but WB wanted to fundamentally alter the film’s DNA, while still retaining much of the original footage. The result isn’t so much a new film but rather two films horrifically Frankensteined together, not unlike last year’s “Fantastic Four” (how’s that for a comparison?) The first half is atrocious. It’s just a series of introductions to the main cast that all feel like badly-edited music videos. EVERY. GODDMAN. SCENE in the first half of the movie has some really out-of-place popular song that is not only groan-inducing but also doesn’t fit the tone of the scene in most cases. Slipknot doesn’t even get one of these introductions (not that it matters much since he’s killed off about 10 minutes after we first meet him). His intro amounts to another character saying the funniest line of the movie; “That’s Slipknot. He can climb ANYTHING.” Whoa, watch out for this bad motherfucker.
I don’t know how much of this you can blame on the reshoots, but the plot is fundamentally retarded, as well. Putting aside the basic idea that the contingency plan for a rogue god-like superhero is just a small team of criminals with guns and melee weapons, only two of whom have actual powers, the story progression beats are just plain dumb. The main villain is an all-powerful witch that was supposed to be on the squad but escapes because the government was very lenient in looking after her. Upon being rescued, Viola Davis’ government higher-up kills her subordinates because they “didn’t have clearance” or something like that, even though it was literally their job to help her run everything. At one point, the Joker shows up, takes Harley Quinn away from the squad, only to crash and die (but not really), and she just returns a minute later. In wanting to show his trust, the soldier in charge of the Squad smashes his explosion-app phone, and allows them to leave if they want to. In the ONLY genuinely funny moment in the movie, comic relief character Captain Boomerang wordlessly gets up and leaves. In a move I will never forgive Warner Bros. for, he just returns unceremoniously a minute later (there might be a boomerang joke there, but that’s giving the script too much credit). During the climax, the Squad has a fight with the witch, during which no one even gets hurt so it feels pretty pointless, before she says to stop and tries to coax them into joining her by making them envision and promising them their greatest desires (once again wasting the character’s potential, Captain Boomerang’s is never shown).
The characters might have been the saving grace, but they are all handled incredibly poorly. Despite being “bad guys” (which they verbally remind each other and the audience throughout), they are more like quirky Guardians of the Galaxy-esque heroes, spouting quips and doing the right thing even when it’s against their supposed nature. El Diablo makes sense, as he’s trying to repent for his sins, but why do the rest of them have morals? Why, during Diablo’s story about how he accidentally killed his family, does Harley Quinn un-ironically give him a “how could you do such a monstrous thing?” reaction. What little character development any of them have feels rushed and/or forced, where by the end they are willing to sacrifice themselves for each other and calling themselves a “family” despite having only met a few hours earlier and only exchanged a few quips here and there. Where they could have made genuinely interesting characters by making the main-characters actual villainous anti-heroes who act against the government even while working for them, Warner Bros. just made them typical Marvel heroes, spouting typical Marvel quips while killing typical Marvel cannon-fodder enemies and trying to close a typical Marvel sky portal that can destroy the world or whatever it was supposed to do, except doing it all worse. It doesn’t help that Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc, Katana, and even Joker are all useless and have literally no practical purpose for being in the plot.
How do you fuck up a movie so badly that even Will Smith can’t save it? Smith is one of the few good things about this movie, basically playing his typical leading-man Will Smith persona but he’s so charismatic and likable that you can’t help but feel bad for him for being in this dreck. The rest of the cast is a mixed bag. Margot Robbie has the potential to play a good Harley Quinn, but none of her jokes work (a combination of her delivery and the awful script) and as mentioned before, she’s written to be way too sympathetic. Jai Courtney (Boomerang) had the career-first potential to be good here, but is barely used and what little comic relief he provides is squandered. Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (who I was actually looking forward to in this movie) has only like 6 lines as Killer Croc underneath all that makeup, and all of them make him sound like a black stereotype; as a favor for accomplishing the mission at the end, he asks for BET in his cell, which is a step above asking for fried chicken and grape-drank, so at least there’s that. The guy playing El Diablo is alright. The actors playing Col. Flagg and Katana are forgettable. Oscar-nominee Viola Davis is actually pretty bad as the government head of the squad, looking bored throughout and giving stilted line-deliveries while failing to be intimidating. Cara Delevingne (in her witch form) looks and talks like a particularly poorly-written Game of Thrones character, and is probably the least intimidating villain I’ve ever seen in a comic book movie. Ben Affleck is in the movie for like, a minute. That’s all there is to him.
And how can I forget Jared Leto’s performance as Joker? No seriously, how? Please tell me. He decided that playing the most famous bad guy in comic history would be to act like a Tourette-afflicted edgy teenager who rebels against his upper-class parents by shopping at Hot Topic. At least he was entertainingly cringe-worthy, unlike most of the movie, which is just the regular kind. Who knows, maybe in all that cut footage of him lies a good performance or character arc, but he seems less like a demented criminal mastermind and more like the type of person who would giggle maniacally to himself after tearing the tag off of his mattress. Also, if there’s a word for the introduction version of an anti-climax, Joker’s first appearance in the film is exactly that.
In summary, the acting ranges from decent to bad, the characters are weak, the writing is abysmal, the plot is nonsensical, the tone is all over the place, the music choices are head-drillingly irritating, the action scenes are dull to the point where I zoned out quite a bit during them, and all-in-all a movie that should’ve been stylish and cool is just drab and embarrassing. I know that director David Ayer is better than this (and that he didn’t even have any say in the final edit) and I’m sure there’s a decent cut of this film somewhere, so instead of blaming him I’m going to blame Warner Bros., a studio that gives Sony Pictures a run for their money in terms of sheer incompetency. They’re in such a hurry to catch up to Marvel that they forgot to properly set up their universe and don’t even have a clear vision for what they want to accomplish, story-wise. Say what you will about the MCU and how formulaic a lot of their movies are, but at least Kevin Feige has a vision for his series and makes it work. WB saw the less-than-ideal performance of “Batman v Superman”, panicked, and butchered Ayer’s film to try and make it appeal to as many people as possible, ultimately appealing to no one.
Hell, give Zack Snyder the reigns to the DCEU. He’s not without his flaws, but he’s the closest thing to an auteur working in superhero films today and he’s infinitely more competent in telling a story than the hacks who edited the “Suicide Squad” I saw in theaters. Who is the real Suicide Squad? Is it the team of “bad guys” in the movie? Or is it the audience who is forced to endure this piece of shit? If there is justice, it will be the executives at Warner Bros. who should be forced by shareholders to commit ritualistic suicide live on The CW following “Arrow”
Or just punched in the stomach.
89. Ghostbusters – A “Ghostbusters” reboot is the most politically divisive film of 2016. It’s things like this that make me wonder if we’ve lost our way as a culture. Why people got so up in arms over the casting is beyond me. Personally, I think that anyone who condemns or praises a film solely because of the sex of its leads should be sterilized. But for months ahead of release, I saw almost nonstop articles, Tweets, and arguments about “misogyny” and “the patriarchy” and “raped childhoods” in regards to a silly comedy about people who hunt ghosts, and I started to wonder if it was actually a bad thing that the Chinese will soon take over the West (not that the Chinese would ever allow this film to be released, because Commies are afraid of ghosts or something like that).
It should come as no surprise to anyone with the slightest bit of rationality and foresight, however, that all this controversy would amount to nothing because the film is just a dull, unimaginative slog. I was expecting the movie to be shit because writer/director Paul Feig is a hack who never should have moved past television comedies, and Sony Pictures is a major movie studio run by a bunch of chimps with Down’s Syndrome, and apparently I’m better at pattern recognition than most. But honestly, I can’t even get worked up about “Ghostbusters” because it was just so boring. It never reached the point of being offensively bad like “Suicide Squad”, but this movie doesn’t really have anything going for it either. The lead actresses are fine, and could do well if they had some decent material to work with, but they aren’t funny enough to carry a very improv-heavy feature length film by themselves. A good improvised bit can be like a nice sprinkling of cinnamon on a tasty dessert, but “Ghostbusters” felt like eating several spoonfuls of cinnamon straight from the container. This felt like a modern-day SNL sketch arduously stretched out to two hours.
The improv could have worked if the leads had actual characters to work with, but each one is given just one personality trait (Leslie Jones is scared, Kate McKinnon is koooooky, Kristen Wiig is insecure, and Melissa McCarthy is…there), and they often break their trait for their banter where they constantly try to say funny things and tell jokes, making them feel like a bad college comedy-troupe instead of actual characters. Paul Feig didn’t even bother with any character development; just one forced scene where the animosity between Wiig and McCarthy’s characters, that’s forgotten within 15 minutes, is finally brought up again in the last 5. After a point, I started to feel bad for the cast. I know that McKinnon, Wiig, and McCarthy can do better than this (and have), and even Leslie Jones (who was the worst part of the trailer but is surprisingly the only likable and believable character in the film) deserves more than what she’s given. The only somewhat funny character was the mayoral aide who privately supports the team while publically insulting and condemning them.
As with Paul Feig’s other films, the plot is thin as can be (four women team up to investigate ghosts, start their own business, and before you know it, all hell breaks loose), and it feels very disjointed, with a lot of scenes feeling like they could be put in different orders and it wouldn’t make a difference. As a result, the film fails to properly ramp up in terms of stakes and motivations. There are set-ups without payoffs, and payoffs to things that were never really set up. And of course Feig can’t shoot action or comedy for shit, to the point where even a gifted physical comic like McCarthy looks like she’s lightly swinging at air in her fight scenes. He also clearly misses the R-rating he’s had so far in his feature films, where the lack of jokes is exacerbated without the crutch of swearing to lean on. Plus, as typical of a Sony Pictures movie, there’s enough forced product placement on display to make Michael Bay blush.
The lowest points of the film are the cutesy references to the original film and cameos from the original cast, with the absolute nadir being a scene with a Bill Murray who looks like he’s wondering if it’d be faster to run away from the film set (that he was sued into being on) or to slit his own throat. This just points to a studio product that plays it so safe and close to the original that it doesn’t have any identity of its own, and funnily enough, the gender-swapping of the lead roles is the only decent idea it has to differentiate itself.
As I said before, this wasn’t terrible or painful to watch (possible because I was already detached very early in the movie, but still). I got two chuckles, one from Jones and one from Chris Hemsworth, and a handful of snorts here and there. The CGI, sets, and prop-design are all colorful and surprisingly solid. But the overall movie is just mediocre and a chore to sit through. I normally don’t write lengthy reviews for comedies because there are only so many ways to say something isn’t funny, but the 2016 “Ghostbusters” just isn’t funny, and all the controversy that was brewed up (it wouldn’t surprise me if Sony manufactured the hateful reactions to the trailers themselves to drum up publicity) ultimately led to another one of the same bland, cash-grab remakes that Hollywood has been pumping out for the last several years. Now I may be a sexist, chauvinistic white cis-het misogynist shitlord, but I think the movie-going public deserves better than this, even those dumb bitc…[REDACTED]
88. The Neon Demon - A 16-year-old girl moves to LA to become a model, and finds quick success due to her good looks (and we know she looks good because none of the other characters, including her, ever stop mentioning it), but soon after finds herself succumbing to her own hubris and the jealousy of those around her. That’s literally the entire plot of the movie, minus some of the dirty specifics. Then again, you don’t see a Nicholas Winding Refn for the plot. As can be expected from any of his post-Drive films, characters speak very obvious dialogue with remarkably long pauses, they stare off into the distance a lot (even when just looking into a mirror), jarring ultraviolence occurs, and pretty red-and-blue lighting abounds.
I found NWR’s particular brand of violent, brightly colored autism amusing up to a point, but after a while, it became increasingly grating. Part of that is that the movie as a whole just feels kind of pointless. Thematically it’s quite obvious; the modeling world exploits young women, and said women are also jealous, catty bitches (at least, that’s the impression I got from Refn). But why the fuck is this movie two hours long? So much of the film is just NWR indulging in all of his trademark filming techniques at the expense of making interesting characters. Yes, there are plenty of striking visuals with their fair share of obvious symbolism, but that’s pretty much all there is to it. Much of the movie is filmed like a modeling session or a runway show (which is probably intentional), but there comes a point where you just want to shout “YES, I GET THE GODDAMN POINT, ALREADY.” After about an hour in, I just wanted it to end and couldn’t really care about what happened next. In what seemed like an attempt to rope me back in, the last 40 minutes or so is when the twisted and violent stuff starts happening, but I was less shocked and more annoyed and disgusted by what I was seeing.
The cast is alright, I suppose. The performances from Bella Heathcote and Abbey Lee as the two models that become jealous of the main character are fun and biting. Keanu Reeves is surprisingly entertaining as a sleazy motel manager. As much as I hated that one particular scene with Jena Malone (you’ll know it when it happens), I commend her for being so committed to her performance to actually pull that scene off. Everyone else kind of just occupies that NWR character spectrum that exists somewhere between ethereal and autistic (leaning much closer to the latter in this film).
I hate it when people say the stuff I dislike about a movie is done intentionally. Was my boredom intentional? If, however, the prospect of having Nicholas Winding Refn slowly jerking himself off in your face for two hours while maintaining unblinking eye contact with synth music playing in the background sounds like your cup of tea, then “The Neon Demon” will satisfy your unusually specific fetish, you weirdo.
87. Triple 9 – Have you ever seen an urban police drama? Congrats, you’ve already seen “Triple 9”. Basically, there is a squad of crooked Atlanta cops who plan to rob a government building with some criminals in order to appease a mob wife (hammed-up by Kate Winslet in what could possibly be her first bad performance), and they aim to simultaneously stage the murder of a fellow cop across town so there would be little resistance during their robbery. There are ride-alongs, roughing up of suspects, lots of swearing, drug use, betrayals, etc. Pretty much every “gritty” urban crime movie cliché since the ‘90s is in this film, and very little of it is interesting. The movie only really comes alive during its action sequences. The opening bank robbery and mid-film raid especially are expertly crafted and are genuinely exciting. However, they (and a wonderful little cameo from Michael K. Williams) are the film’s only highlights, and the only other thing “Triple 9” is noteworthy for is having such a talented cast and wasting them on such been-there-done-that material. It’s not an ordeal to get through; it holds your attention and it’s thankfully not as edgy as I feared, but between the dull plot, lame dialogue, and unlikable, two-dimensional characters, “Triple 9” is more of a Single 5 (out of 10).
86. The Invitation – A man named Will, who looks like a cross between Jesus and Tom Hardy, brings his new girlfriend to a dinner party set up by his long-estranged ex-wife and her new husband. Things start to get weird when they begin talking a lot about a spirituality group they’re a part of, and Will’s paranoia over their strange behavior is made worse when all of his friends seem to accept it with no problem. I went into watching this movie with little to no expectations, and those expectations were steadily raised by the performances and direction, and it all got pissed away at the end. For a while, it seemed like a really good drama with a genuinely interesting exploration of grief, but without spoiling anything, in the third act it became the EXACT movie I was really hoping it wouldn’t become. I’m sure most people won’t have the problem with this movie that I did, and the good actors and Karyn Kusama’s strong directing (she expertly builds tension and creates a great sense of space) keep it going for the most part, even despite how dumb and illogical a lot of the characters are. But I was just so disappointed by the schlock it became that it just left a bad taste in my mouth. Accept this “Invitation” if you want, but I’m staying home instead.
85. Swiss Army Man – Look, I give it points for originality, but this was never going to be my kind of movie. It’s the kind of premise and cast (Paul Dano uses Daniel Radcliffe’s magical farting corpse to get back to civilization while learning about life) that seemed destined to be “baby’s first high-concept indie film”. I saw it because I wanted to give it a chance anyway, and while it’s not without its merits (a good deal of creativity, two committed performances, and plenty of visual flair), the endless grossout humor, montages, and really ham-fisted explanation of themes and character development wore me down to the point where I just didn’t care by the end. I would have liked for the movie to have a more straight-faced approach to the situation, which I think would have underlined the absurd humor present. Instead, we have the kind of ironic whimsy one would get if they saw a bunch of Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry films and completely missed the point. I also would have liked a darker and more realistic ending, one that would actually feel like a culmination of the themes of loneliness and isolation the movie wouldn’t shut the fuck up about. As you might have guessed, the tone is all over the place, too.
If you like this movie, that’s fine. But “Swiss Army Man” is certainly not 2deep4me, and if there is any point I missed in watching it, I don’t care enough to re-watch it. Someone told me that a lot the things I found annoying about this film are intentional. Well, intentionally annoying is still. Fucking. Annoying.
84. Elvis & Nixon – The premise for this movie is really neat. On a December morning in 1970, Elvis Presley strolls up to the White House to request an emergency meeting with Richard Nixon and convince the President to swear him in as an undercover agent, leading to one of the most famous photos in U.S. history. The execution: not so great. The main problem is that the actual meeting is only the last 15-or-so minutes of the movie. The lead-up involves Elvis and his manager’s efforts to actually set up the meeting with Nixon’s staff, while Nixon is hesitant about allowing it. There is way too much stuff about the manager and his family, and Nixon’s staff. It’s not a lot of screentime, but it’s stuff/people you don’t care about in the slightest and is too much by definition (no offense to Colin Hanks, but he should really stick to TV). A lot of this stuff could have been replaced by more Elvis/Nixon, or just cut out entirely, since even at 87 minutes, the film’s length is stretched out.
Luckily, the movie is saved by the outstanding talents playing the titular characters. Michael Shannon as the King and Kevin Spacey as Tricky Dick are so good that they go beyond mere caricatures and actually feel like they embody the historical figures, even if the material is rather light. Much of the movie’s focus is on Shannon’s Elvis, and he easily holds the film together, even though you wish there was more of Nixon. The meeting between the two is of course the highlight of the movie, a wonderful stranger-than-fiction moment of history that would have made a pretty good short film. Here’s hoping for an exploitation-style sequel where they team up to fight evil drug fiends, because they deserve a movie as fun and unique as they are.
83. The Little Prince – Full confession: I wrote this review a couple of months after actually seeing “The Little Prince” on Netflix and I barely remember anything about it. I remember thinking it was a nice little animated film with a nice message about not forgetting your childhood spirit and imagination and sense of wonder as you grow up. I remember thinking that the CGI animation was nothing special (it was animated in France with a modest budget, so I won’t complain), but the stop-motion sequences were pretty impressive. I remember chuckling a few times and getting the feels once or twice.
It’s alright, from what I recall, so check it out if you like. I’m sorry if you’re a big fan of “The Little Prince” and were hoping for a more in-depth and detailed review, but I genuinely had a hard time remembering stuff about this film, which (considering the film’s message and key themes) is pretty ironic.
82. Jack Reacher: Never Go Back – I was going to make a superlative at the end of this list for “most generic”, but I realized nothing came close to this Tom Cruise action thriller. This movie is so relentlessly generic that it almost feels intentional, like a satire of one of those mediocre 90’s thrillers that are shown endlessly on cable, probably as a double-feature with “U.S. Marshals”. Tom Cruise has never made a bad movie, but this is easily one of his worst ones. Typical conspiracy thriller plot from the type of shitty airport-bookstore paperback novels that boring middle-aged people enjoy (and that these movies are adapted from). Noteworthy only for the scenes with Cruise’s maybe-daughter and their dynamic, something that feels like it’s from a different movie altogether but funnily enough is the only stuff that actually works. Not terrible in any way, but this is something for a lazy Sunday afternoon or to have on in the background while you do something more interesting like ironing your clothes or vacuuming dog hair from underneath the sofa.
81. Gods of Egypt – Who would have thought that a silly fantasy movie about ancient Egyptian deities would be such a beacon for controversy the way it was prior to release? (The controversy was swiftly forgotten about, as it usually happens). Don’t get me wrong, whitewashing is certainly an issue in Hollywood, but in a film where 10-foot-tall, golden-blooded gods rule over a flat Earth consisting entirely of Egypt while Ra, the God of the Sun, rides around in a magic spaceship taking potshots at a giant space worm all day, complaining about historical inaccuracy is a bit silly. Regardless of what ancient Egyptians actually looked like, any attempt at historical realism would just be jarring and out-of-place here.
Gerard Butler and Chadwick Boseman hamming it up as the evil Set and smarmy Thoth are fun, as is Geoffrey Rush as Ra. Shame that the rest of the cast is as dull and forgettable as they are. The CGI quality is in the halfway-point between “good” and “Syfy movie-tier”. It’s not exactly convincing, but it’s pretty and colorful enough that you don’t need too much suspension of disbelief. Tonally and stylistically, the movie harkens back to those cheesy low-budget fantasy films from the 80’s (if not in budget and star-power). I particularly love how the human girl love interest is portrayed as an innocent girl-next-door-y type, but her massive, barely-contained rack is prominent in almost every frame she’s on screen.
The only major detrimental flaw (and it’s kind of a big one) is that “Gods of Egypt” feels about 20-30 minutes too long. It just doesn’t have the narrative strength or filmmaking energy to sustain its’ running time. If it was edited down (particularly the parts with the young, discount-Orlando Bloom main human character), it’d be a reasonably fun movie. Still, I appreciated “Gods of Egypt” for its goofily-sincere throwback spirit, and nothing about it was painful to watch. Not god-like, but not god-awful either.
80. High-Rise – It’s difficult for me to review a film like “High-Rise”, because while there’s a great deal I admire about the film, the overall experience just felt hollow and repetitive to me. It’s about a young doctor who moves into a fancy 1970’s London high-rise, a self-sustained building with many luxuries intended to provide equal quality of housing to all its inhabitants, where mounting tensions between tensions between the upper and lower floors eventually give way to literal class warfare (subtle). While the first half of the movie is engaging, as the doctor maneuvers through all the social groups and meets a lot of the residents, the second half where the actual fighting starts lost me pretty quickly. None of the characters behave like normal human beings, which makes it hard to be invested in their conflict. While there’s some maintenance issues and disrespect in the building, it’s not clear why they all descend into savagery so quickly. I guess it’s something we’re just supposed to accept (human nature, man), but I feel like a more prolonged slide into chaos would have helped the movie, especially since the second half is just repetitive “one side does bad shit to the other, while the doctor tries to stay out of it” nonsense.
While I don’t buy any of the characters, the cast is strong and they play these caricatures with great conviction. I actually love the aesthetics of the movie; the set design, lighting, camerawork, etc. all being very striking and creative. Director Ben Wheatley’s talent here is evident, even if I stopped caring about the material after a while. I get that this movie is intended to be satire, so a lot of my complaints about the movie could be something that someone else would enjoy because it was all intentional, man. Maybe you’ll get more out of it than I did, but to me it was just a pretty and well-acted slog.
79. Lion
White saviors
Inspirational piano-heavy music the occasionally remembers to throw in some foreign flavor
A cute kid
A solid performance from a minority actor (Dev Patel)
A former Oscar winner who cries a bunch (Nicole Kidman)
A well-intentioned but kind of condescending depiction of another culture
Over-reliance on fish-out-of-water humor
Really obvious plot beats and recurring elements
An attempt to depict “realism” in poverty but watering it down for a PG-13 rating,
A happy/emotional ending
“Based on a true story”
Ending text that not only says what happened to the real-life figures with photos and video, but also includes a statistic about missing children in India and how this film is helping to fix the problem while a pop song by Sia plays.
I know this was based on a true story, but it’s like the fucking Academy themselves made this movie.
78. Independence Day: Resurgence – Roland Emmerich is like a more boring Michael Bay. Many of his films are little more than special effects showcases, dragged down by stock characters and awful writing. Oftentimes, the stupidity on display in a Roland Emmerich movie goes past the point of fun and becomes downright insulting to the audience. Charitably put, the man’s kind of a hack., but even a broken hack is right twice a career (sort of). The first time was 1996’s “Independence Day”, one of the most famous movies of the 90’s and a fun piece of cheese in its own right. The second time was 2016’s long-awaited (by nobody) “Independence Day: Resurgence”*. I don’t wish to imply that “Revengeance” is high-art or anything, but if you’re in the right frame of mind, it’s a simple and comfortably enjoyable flick.
A big part of that is that it’s never insultingly stupid. It’s not smart or anything, but it goes about its business without giving anyone a headache. The characters aren’t deep, but they’re likable enough for the audience to enjoy following them and for possibly the first time in Emmerich’s career, they’re not irritating. “Revolutions” is sincere in its goal to entertain, and displays enough self-awareness to get the audience to relax, like when Jeff Goldblum cheekily comments “They like to get the landmarks” during the film’s main destruction sequence. There’s also some hilariously goofy dialogue like “The ship will touch down over the Atlantic.” --> “Which part?” --> “ALL of it.” There’s a little bit of Chinese pandering (including that juice-box filled with milk or some shit that I keep seeing in these movies), but not enough to annoy, and weirdly it suits the theme of different nationalities banding together.
The cast is fine, but really nothing special. Goldblum is enjoyable because he seems constantly aware of the kind of schlock he’s in, but “Regurgitation” is sorely missing Will Smith, who is more charismatic than all the new cast members combined. When Bill Pullman is giving the best performance, your film isn’t going to win any acting awards. One other thing that I personally really missed was David Arnold, whose score for the 1996 film is one of my favorite film scores of that decade, and the only time the soundtrack for this one comes alive is when it occasionally reprises his majestic themes.
In summary, if you’re looking for something original or high-brow, look elsewhere, but if you just want to kill a few hours and seeing a diverse** group of attractive, multinational humans band together to fight aliens warms your heart a little bit in these cynical times, then “Independence Day: Redemption” will scratch that particular itch.
* I also admit to enjoying “White House Down”
**by diverse I mean black, white, Chinese, and Jeff Goldblum.
77. X-Men: Apocalypse - There's a bit in "X-Men: Apocalypse" where the younger characters go see "Return of the Jedi" and one of them comments on how the third movie of the trilogy is always the worst.
How prophetic that line turned out to be.
Not that X-Men: Apocalypse is a bad movie, but it’s definitely closer to Brett Ratner’s “X-Men: The Last Stand” than it is to Bryan Singer’s previously strong entries in the franchise. This is definitely one of those “you take the good with the bad” situations. This is a really inconsistent (tonally and otherwise) movie, so instead of writing a repetitive “this is good, but this isn’t” review, I’ll just list off the positives and negatives and leave it up to you to decide if it’s worth watching or not. This will include some spoilers, but you’re not missing much and the canon in these movies is a complete mess anyway. I’ll say that I was entertained, sometimes genuinely and sometimes ironically, for most of the film, so take that how you will.
The Good:
Evan Peters’ Quicksilver, who steals the second X-Men movie in a row
The Quicksilver mansion scene
Nice visuals
Good soundtrack
The early scenes in Poland
The Wolverine cameo
The Bad:
Nightcrawler being wasted despite being one of the best parts of Singer’s “X2”
Jennifer Lawrence is clearly phoning it in
The film does nothing fun with the 1980s setting
Oscar Isaac is wasted on a generic “I’m going to destroy the world and only the strong shall remain” villain.
Storm joins Apocalypse’s gang for like no reason, then switches sides pretty abruptly during the climax
Olivia Munn’s Psylocke has like, one or two lines the whole movie
For the third movie in a row, Magneto becomes the bad guy because he’s Magneto
For the third movie in a row, Professor X gives Magneto the “You don’t have to do this, there is still good in you” speech.
I know it’s the key theme of the franchise, but to hear these characters complain about mutant rights and discrimination is getting tiring after so many movies
It’s two-and-a-half hours long
The Funny:
Nightcrawler’s makeup
Everyone in the movie keeps saying how important Mystique is when this is the most useless and unnecessary her character has ever been.
After killing like, millions of people during the climax, they just let Magneto go, with Professor X telling him “I’ll see you around, old friend”
The characters are 20 years older than they were in “X-Men: First Class”, but all still look like they’re in their 20s or early 30’s.
That scene where Professor X beats up Apocalypse in his mind
Coca-Cola product placement
Magneto destroying Auschwitz
76. The Finest Hours – “The Finest Hours” is a period disaster/rescue drama about a small 1950’s Cape Cod Coast Guard team’s attempts to rescue the crew of an oil tanker after their ship gets Titanic’d by a major storm, and it’s as old-fashioned a movie as it gets, even to a fault. It’s a refreshingly straightforward film. I liked the community/teamwork-focused buildup, as we get to know Chris Pine’s Coast Guardsman, his love interest, and the crew of the ship before the disaster hits. I liked the scenes on the water the most, the experience of them struggling to clear the huge waves during the heavy weather is actually pretty harrowing. I liked the warm tone and the understated heroism.
There’s really not much to this film. I feel like it’s a bit too safe and predictable and not as white-knuckle exciting as I’d hoped. I wasn’t a fan of how the movie kept cutting back to the generic worries of the people on the shore, and the only things in this film thicker than the nostalgia ah the faahkin New England ahhccents. Still, I enjoyed it. It’s not a first-rate vessel, but it stays afloat.
75. Warcraft – I’ll start this by saying that I’m not a Warcraft fan and have never played any of the games. With that out of the way…
"Warcraft" is the nerdiest movie I think I've ever seen. It was so geeky, I felt like watching and enjoying it gave me my virginity back. This movie was made for Warcraft fans and literally nobody else (maybe the Chinese, but they're an easy-to-please bunch).
I actually really admire that. In an age where almost all blockbusters are watered-down, homogenized garbage made by people who seek maximum profit by catering to the largest possible demographic, seeing Universal Pictures take such a risk and sinking $160 million (plus marketing) into a film so niche and nerdy warms my heart. A movie that tries to please everybody pleases nobody in particular, and I'm happy for the Warcraft nerds for having their own cinematic moment.
The movie itself is kind of a mess, however. Even putting aside the stuff you probably need to be a WC fan to understand, the pacing is wonky, the script is weak, most of the human cast is bland, the editing sucks, and it ends very anticlimactically. While Duncan Jones (who is the main reason I saw this movie) pulls off some impressive visuals and great moments, the movie for the most part lacks the epic feel you’d expect in a big-budget fantasy movie. I was able to follow the basic story, but I was definitely lost at times, and remembered like, 3 or 4 of the characters’ names by the time the movie ended.
“Warcraft” certainly has its positives, however. While most of the human cast is underwritten or boring, Travis Fimmel and Ben Foster are both quite good in their roles, easily standing out from their cardboard cut-out castmates. The orcs won the lottery on their actors, all of whom play the orcs with such conviction that they feel more believable than most of their human counterparts. Even the writing was better during the orc scenes, weirdly. Speaking of believable, the special effects on display are fantastic. Between the amazing-looking orcs, the magic effects and the scenery, the CG artists have definitely earned their paychecks on this one. The battle scenes were fun, and (THANK GOD) shot clearly without using shaky-cam or fast editing, those two errant turds on the delicious pie of most action films. It’s also nice to see a movie that seems like it was created out of love and affection by people who actually care for the franchise, and who don’t feel the need to make it ironic or quippy.
While I mentioned that the writing is weak (most characters are frustratingly undeveloped and there are lots of important-sounding proper nouns that left me scratching my head), I see plenty of room for improvement, and with more refinement and focus, I can see a great sequel arising from this. I genuinely hope this franchise continues, because even though it’s not my thing and certainly not without its weaknesses, I enjoyed it for the most part and it feels like such a refreshing medicine to the disease of bland, corporate modern blockbusters that I don’t mind the odd taste or that the spoon is made from frozen fanboy wank.
74. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows – I admit to being one of the few people that liked the Michael Bay-produced 2014 TMNT reboot, so I was also one of the few people looking forward to this year’s generically-subtitled sequel. I’m happy to say that as incremental as it may be, OOTS is a definite improvement. It feels less like the factory-assembled reboot typical of Hollywood attempts to cash in on nostalgic properties, and feels more in line with the original cartoon series. No longer is charisma-vacuum Megan Fox the main character; she is relegated to supporting duties, and the turtles (still enthusiastically played by their mo-cap actors) take center stage. This movie does the typical sequel thing where it includes more villains than the first, but all of them (besides Shredder, who is little more than a cameo) are surprisingly entertaining and never outstay their welcome. Tyler Perry is delightful as a mad scientist, as are the two guys who play man-beasts Bebop and Rocksteady. “Arrow” star Stephen Amell is clearly having a blast as vigilante Casey Jones. The action sequences are creative and fun to watch.
There’s plenty of product placement, but the Turtles have always been whores designed to sell merchandise, so it doesn’t feel out of place. I miss Brian Tyler’s bombastic music from the first film, the score here by Steve Jablonsky being much more generic and forgettable. The few attempts at character development are trite and unnecessary. The writing is still kinda crappy, and there’s a bit too much juvenile humor. I suppose my biggest complaint is that while the filmmaking is competent, it really lacks the sort of energy and inspiration to take it to the next level. Almost all the elements for a genuinely good Turtles movie are here; it just needs someone to put it all together into something that’s more than the sum of its parts, and not the dude who directed “Earth to Echo” (I’d heard of it either).
73. Zootopia – Nice animation, great attention to detail and some good visual gags (the population-counter on the rabbit farm, the wolf cop going undercover, etc.). Highlight of the film was the opening school-play scene. Nice message for the kids about how prejudices can lead even the most well-intentioned of people astray. Plot goes through the familiar beats of a Disney film, except for a pretty retarded third-act heel turn that I won’t spoil, but it would make more sense and have more story impact if the character didn’t feel so minor, and if it wasn’t so last-minute in the movie. “Frozen” was dull as shit, but at least the scene where HANS BETRAYS ANNA (spoiler warning) was pretty hilarious because of how well-timed and out of nowhere it was. The “grown-up” references (Godfather, Breaking Bad, etc.) feel pretty forced, mainly due to them just being references and not actual jokes. Overall, it’s a decent, well-made, and occasionally funny film (“I mean, I am just a dumb bunny, but we are good at multiplying”), but the overly-formulaic and predictable plot signifies that Disney’s lack of creative ambition is still there. Also, the sloth scene might have been funny if I hadn’t already seen it in the trailer. It’s definitely not one of those scenes that’s funny more than once.
Recommended for kids, furries, and those who love animal puns.
72. Hush – A deaf-mute writer is terrorized in her home by a psychopath intent on killing her. A nice premise with a refreshing twist on the tired home invasion genre, and the movie is a brisk 81 minutes. However, I feel like it should have been shorter, and it was only so long because the villain was so unbelievably stupid. At multiple points he could have entered her home and killed her pretty easily, but the plot dictates that she needs to think of ways to survive and outsmart him, so he’s just written as a crazy and evil idiot who wants to toy with his prey. I imagine most people would be fine with it, but his behavior became more annoying than scary after a while.
Making the film watchable is the solid directing and cinematography, along with writer/star Kate Siegel who makes for a very sympathetic and likable protagonist. We both wince and feel for her character when she gets hurt, as she sobs quietly but can’t audibly cry. Her performance is so convincing that I was genuinely surprised to find out that she’s not actually deaf in real life. The movie is decent and worth watching if you like horror-thrillers, and it shows than Blumhouse can still produce the occasional, not-garbage horror film.
71. War Dogs - I wasn’t a fan of the “Hangover” trilogy, even if the third entry was an admirably bold middle-finger to all of its established fans, but I saw talent in Todd Phillips’ direction which made me somewhat look forward to his next endeavor. Based on a true story, Miles Teller and Jonah Hill play two 20-something Miami dudes who get into the world of gun-running and happen upon a major but shady deal with the U.S. government. Basically, “Lord of War” for the new generation. However, where “Lord of War” was, despite its’ wry sense of humor, a pretty dramatic and searing look at the arms trade and the U.S. government’s involvement with it. “War Dogs”, meanwhile, feels more like a lightweight “Wolf of Wall Street”-esque rise-and-fall story of two friends and businessmen that, despite the constant references to the Bush administration, feels like only a passing criticism of the government. The key problem with the movie is how been-there-done-that it is. Even if you know nothing about the real-world story that inspired it, all the dramatic beats and character progressions are thoroughly predictable, and watching it I felt like I’ve seen this movie a hundred times already. It even opens with a variation of that freeze-frame “You’re probably wondering how I got in this situation” cliché. It’s not bad. It’s solid in pretty much every aspect. The directing by Phillips (I like a visual gag where a character sees approaching Iraqi insurgents in his truck’s side mirror, then the camera pans down to “Objects in mirror are closer than they appear”), the writing, the acting (with a noteworthy turn by Jonah Hill). It’s all fine. But the movie’s crippling lack of ambition means that by the end of the year, it’ll probably be completely forgotten about. I’m writing this review two days after having seen it and I’m genuinely having trouble remembering things about it. To put it in a hack-y movie critic kind of way; “War Dogs” is a gun that doesn’t malfunction, but never hits the bulls-eye either.
70. Jason Bourne – If the Bourne films popularized the “gritty espionage thriller” genre, 2016’s “Jason Bourne” feels like a generic knockoff made while the trend was hot, except it’s several years later and no one really cares. Still, I was looking forward to the film, because there are so few good action movies coming out these days and Paul Greengrass is at least a pretty strong director. I will always slightly resent Greengrass for popularizing the shaky-cam, fast-editing style of action filmmaking, but I admit he does it better than pretty much everyone, and it actually suits Bourne’s gritty, improvisational nature. There’s an early chase set during a riot in Athens and a climactic chase in Las Vegas that feel as urgent and intense as any action scenes I’ve seen in a while. Still, you wish the guy would invest in a tripod or something. It’s nice that Greengrass doesn’t discriminate, but exclusively hiring camera operators with Parkinson’s does make the end product a bit hard to follow, visually.
The plot is some hokum about the CIA trying to knock off a billionaire social media tech guru because he won’t let them use his product to spy on everyone, and somehow Jason Bourne is brought out of exile/retirement because of EVEN MORE buried secrets about his past. It’s pretty generic stuff that tries to be timely but comes across as trying too hard. Damon’s a compelling lead, and he’s given a decent villainous counterpart in Vincent Cassel, but it’s hard to be involved in the material. I was also disappointed by the lack of character development for Julia Stiles’ returning Nicky Parsons. Some insight into why she came out of hiding to give Bourne information would have been nice. The rest of the cast is unmemorable; Tommy Lee Jones in particular looks like he’s counting down the seconds until he stops shooting and can cash in his check.
You can tell that this is a tacked-on cash-grab sequel. They couldn’t even bother thinking of a proper Bourne title (The Bourne Resurgence, maybe?), and while Damon and Greengrass are definitely not half-assing it, you can tell their hearts aren’t really in this. Their workmanlike approach and their undeniable talent, however, does mean that Jason Bourne is an enjoyable thriller, and you’ll at least get a great pair of action scenes out of it. Still, what the hell were they thinking, making a Bourne film without Jeremy Renner?
69. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story - There is perhaps no bigger red flag to me for a major blockbuster movie than hearing about “extensive reshoots”. Putting aside the lessons we’ve learned from “Fantastic 4” and “Suicide Squad”, the main problem with these kinds of reshoots is that it speaks to the studio not having enough confidence in the director’s vision, and more in the opinions of test audiences. I know that reshoots are commonplace in the film industry, but when they announced that “Rogue One” would have several weeks of reshoots that weren’t even headed by director Gareth Edwards, my heart sank a bit.
Now, I don’t mean to compare this to the previously mentioned comic-book dumpster fires, but the fact that “Rogue One” is just “kinda good” makes it pretty disappointing for me. Before some of you nerds ask; no, I didn’t watch this film with the sole purpose of criticizing it and ruining the Star Wars circlejerk. I was really looking forward to it when I heard that Gareth Edwards would direct, because his recent “Godzilla” reboot was fucking awesome and easily one of the best blockbusters of recent years, and I had hoped that “Rogue One” would mark an effort in taking this unkillable franchise to bold, new directions. It’s not like doing so would even be considered risky; “Star Wars” fans would literally pay money to eat dogshit if they were told it’d be canon or if the actor who played Wedge Antilles told them to do it.
But there’s the problem. Despite some differences in approach to the main saga, “Rogue One” is as safe as they come. Sure, there’s no opening crawl and the visuals are grittier than usual, but in terms of dialogue, storytelling, style of music, etc., it’s still very much a Star Wars movie. I do like how the movie takes itself fairly seriously and is bereft of the typical cringe-worthy Disneyquips©, but it kind of lacks the passion and inspiration that made so many people fall in love with the original trilogy.
Michael Giacchino’s score does the job, but isn’t all that memorable. He happily mimics John Williams’ style, but doesn’t display the sense of flair or majesty that made Williams’ music for this series so famous. It’s a shame we’ll never get to hear original composer Alexandre Desplat’s work for this film (he couldn’t do the score due to rescheduling around the reshoots).
The cast is a major case of “talented actors let down by a weak script and thin characters”. Try doing the Plinkett thing and describe the characters’ personalities, without talking about their role in the plot or their motivations, and ask yourself if any of them sound interesting. The main character Jyn Erso is especially disappointing, since what initially seems like a personal quest to find her father turns into her just selflessly becoming a noble rebel hero. There’s kind of an arc, sure, but it’s seriously missing any real drama to make the arc meaningful. This is especially bad during the slow and plodding first two acts of the film, which are rather unengaging and even boring at times.
The only somewhat amusing characters are the droid K-2SO (Alan Tudyk), the blind kung-fu former Jedi (Donnie Yen), and the Death Star director (Ben Mendelsohn). The droid is pretty much the only source of humor in the film, and he feels welcome because he doesn’t feel over-the-top (he’s a kind of cross between C3PO and HK-47). Donnie Yen is an insanely charismatic actor, and he makes his character interesting enough that he can overcome the writing. Ben Mendelsohn makes for an entertaining and slimy villain, but he’s let down by the script and the constraints of the canon more than anyone. Mendelsohn’s naturally villainous performance is wasted due to his character’s frequent emasculation at the hands of old franchise baddies Grand Moff Tarkin and Darth Vader.
And therein lies the crux of the matter, both that of the film and of Disney; they focus less on building the future or telling new, memorable stories in lieu of milking the past for all it’s worth. This is best exemplified by Disney’s decision to reintroduce a pair of ANH characters using their creepy, uncanny-valley CGI technology and body doubles. They did this in a few Marvel movies to have actors play younger versions of themselves, but here they use it to bring a dead actor (Peter Cushing as Tarkin) back to life, and it’s quite morbid and uncomfortable when you think about it. They literally bought a dead man’s likeness from his estate to milk it for nostalgia bucks. Is that where we are as a society where we’re totally cool with something like this? Wouldn’t it be much more natural (and cheaper) to just recast the old characters? You know, with human beings and whatnot?
Don’t get me wrong. As an action-space-fantasy movie, “Rogue One” works well enough. I mentioned previously that the first two acts are meh, despite some good moments (like the Death Star’s demonstration on a desert city, and the whole opening scene). Most of the movie was characters traveling from one colorless location to the next, getting into a scuffle with the Empire, then escaping. It’s in the third act where the movie really kicks into gear. The stakes are raised, things feel more urgent, and the bland locations are swapped for a beautiful tropical beach setting with an Empire base on it. It’s basically one large action sequence, but it works. Edwards again uses his excellent sense of scale and visual prowess to make the battle feel epic and exciting. As someone who isn’t a big Star Wars fan, it’s easily the best 30-40 minutes in any of the movies for me.
However, while “Rogue One” gives an admirable effort in being its own thing, it can’t help but keep calling back to the original trilogy just to please its established fanbase. I don’t blame all of the film’s flaws on the reshoots. There’s no obvious difference between original and new footage like a crappy wig or awful, forced humor. And who knows, maybe the reshoots actually made the film better. But at the end, “Rogue One” feels like it doesn’t want to be a Star Wars movie but is forced to be one (pun intended) by its strict parents. So often the characters go on about “hope”, as if they are seeking HOPE of a NEW variety. It may be like poetry (it rhymes), but after a point it becomes less poetry and more beating you over the head with a rhyming dictionary. For future installments, let’s cross our fingers for a little less “hope” and a little more “new”.
68. Passengers – Betrays Chris Pratt’s best movie performance to date, an excellent first act, and its own interesting (and pretty disturbing) premise by watering it down with schmaltzy Hollywood romance, unnecessary action, and a cancer-inducing end-credits Imagine Dragons song. I could write an entire essay on why the movie’s specific approach to its story is deeply uncomfortable. I’m also pretty much over Jennifer Lawrence at this point.
67. Three – Intriguing and unique chamber piece, but its comical elements and over-the-top melodrama feel out of place, and the final shootout feels like style just for style’s sake, which makes it oddly boring. Watchable, but a massive step down for Johnnie To after his excellent “Drug War”.
66. Captain Fantastic – Soulful performance from Viggo Mortensen and the occasional touching and insightful moment help buoy this portrayal of family and unconventional parenting whose biggest flaw is having a script and viewpoint that’s too smug and proud of itself for its own good, which makes most of the emotional moments feel cheap and unearned. Wes Anderson could have made a great movie out of this.
65. The Edge of Seventeen – Overcomes (just barely) the unlikability of its main character, the annoying way characters always describe what they’re going through, and its own sheer predictability with good performances, the occasional funny line and a fairly honest and empathetic look at growing up. I’d respect it more if it had the balls to have an unhappy ending. Woody Harrelson gives probably my favorite portrayal of a teacher in a movie.
64. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice – Oh, boy, here we go. For the record, this review is of the extended cut of the film.
I firmly believe that you can make or break a movie in editing. No matter how good the writing, acting, directing, and cinematography are, if a film is poorly edited, it becomes confusing at best, and a complete chore to watch at worst. Such was the case with the theatrical cut of the highly-anticipated (not by me, of course) “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice”, a film that despite being two-and-a-half hours long, felt like a rushed and confusing mess. I’m not saying that the extended cut is some sort of masterpiece, but this 3-hour version is what Zack Snyder intended the finished product to be before Warner Bros. got their stupid fucking fingers on it. Characters are given more scenes to be fleshed out, subplots are better developed, and the pacing is significantly improved, amounting to a much more coherent and downright better film. If you saw the theatrical version and are really on the fence about the film, I recommend watching the extended cut.
The movie itself is still fundamentally flawed in some aspects. It’s still a film constrained by the pressure to set up an entire cinematic universe, which makes the story itself suffer. It probably should have been solely about the personal grudge between Batman and Superman and the consequences it takes on both of them, and them eventually teaming up together when they realize they’re not so different and both want the same thing. The actual movie tries to do that, have Lex Luthor try to destroy both of them, introduce Wonder Woman, set up Wonder Woman’s origin story, set-up three other Justice League members’ origin stories, set up the Justice League movie itself, have an investigative Lois Lane subplot, hint at a future bad guy, and create a giant Frankenstein monster for the third act, among other things. The movie does keep most of these plates spinning, but some of them do fall. It’s an ambitious undertaking, but we’re still left with expensive broken china.
The writing is pretty hackneyed, too. If you can explain Lex Luthor’s motivation for hating Superman to me without citing a comic book or saying “it’s just what he does”, please do. They hint at some biblical reason for it (the Christ allegories and symbolism are even less subtle here as they were in “Man of Steel”, to give you an idea), but it came across as Lex hating him for no particular reason and trying to quote scripture to justify it. There are like three extended dream sequences in the movie, which feels like two too many. And then there’s that awful flow-breaking scene where they set-up The Flash, Cyborg, and Aquaman. I’m reminded of an anecdote where during the making of “Man of Steel”, Zack Snyder wanted to include an after-credits scene but producer Christopher Nolan opposed, telling him “A real movie wouldn’t do that.” This story is probably bullshit, but I think it’s funny that Snyder made an after-credits scene and just crowbarred it into the middle of the movie.
“Batman v. Superman” attempts (and actually succeeds for a while) to really create a sense of consequence in a comic book movie, with the whole world, particularly Batman, being concerned about Superman’s presence on Earth after the destruction caused in “Man of Steel”. But it’s all kind of thrown out the window when that conflict is immediately dropped after the “MARTHA” scene so they could team up to fight the aforementioned Frankenstein monster. The “MARTHA” scene has become kind of infamous, but I was actually fine with it (even if it could have been better written) until Batman says “Don’t worry. Martha’s not dying tonight”, which got a good howl out of me. It was at the very least an interesting movie until it became the typical third-act destruction fest that has characterized so many superhero flicks, with even a few tonally jarring quips thrown in for good measure. The actual fight between Batman and Superman only lasts for like 5 minutes, despite so much buildup. While fun, it feels really schlocky, especially when Batman rips a sink out of a bathroom wall and starts beating Superman over the head with it. Why they started fighting in the first place instead of talking it out like Superman originally intended is beyond me, as well. Zack Snyder’s penchant for outstanding visuals is never in question (he does handheld camerawork better than pretty much anyone) but his grasp on storytelling has always been a bit iffy, even if this is arguably his best work.
If you’re a comic book fan and weren’t a fan of the characterization in this film, the extended cut won’t change your mind on that. Superman is still kind of a dick, Lex Luthor is still a Jolly Rancher-sucking autist, and Batman still kills people. It (mostly) makes sense in the context in the film, and I personally didn’t care too much, but I know some comic book fans who won’t forgive it. Last but not least, I want to mention what is probably the most annoying product placement I’ve seen in a movie this year. It’s not as gratuitous as a TMNT or Transformers flick, but at least those films didn’t take themselves seriously. There is nothing that can ruin a good, serious scene like a really out-of-place product placement. I was enjoying the scene with Clark Kent and Lois Lane in the bathtub until the camera turned to the bottle of Olay and stayed there for like a solid 2 seconds. The scene I was most looking forward to in the movie (the “Man of Steel” destruction of Metropolis as seen through Bruce Wayne’s eyes, which was really well done) was really hurt by the fact that right before the movie started they showed an ad for the Jeep used in the scene, using footage from the movie. There’s also a scene where Lex Luthor tries to force-feed Holly Hunter a Jolly Rancher. I understand that the movie’s titanic budget has to come from somewhere, but it’s shit like this that really pulls me out of the movie.
The cast is strong, particularly Jeremy Irons’ Alfred and Ben Affleck, who exceeds all expectations as Batman, even if he looks a bit silly in the suit. If nothing else, I’m really looking forward to his solo Batfleck film. Gal Gadot is nothing special, but at least she isn’t terrible. Henry Cavill is solid and likable even when the script lets him down, as is Amy Adams (not to politicize things, but I feel like this movie is getting no credit whatsoever for actually having a female love-interest who is like ten years older than her male counterpart, as opposed to the typical older-male-younger-female one). I like how they try to make Laurence Fishburne’s newspaper editor like a reverse J. Jonah Jameson from Spider-Man, constantly telling Clark Kent to report on some local sports team and admonishing him for writing about a vigilante dressed up as a bat beating the shit out of criminals and branding them.
I could go on, but at least BvS feels like an actual movie, instead of the really long trailer that was “Man of Steel”. Its (many) flaws aside, Zack Snyder is to be commended for using such a massive budget to at least try and do something different and ambitious than typical superhero films, and the fact that he succeeds as much as he does despite so many expectations and so much pressure is to be lauded. His cast is good, his action scenes are brutal and weighty (I loved that “Arkham” style warehouse fight between Batman and a group of armed thugs), his heart is in the right place, and he really, honestly dares to be different. If he had a better script and a not-terrible studio to back him up, “Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice” would be appreciated for what it is, and not the kind of movie that inspires actual news articles about RottenTomatoes.
63. Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk – Uneven but occasionally powerful and refreshingly biting look at America’s oft-hypocritical worship of its soldiers and what battle can really do to their psyche, with lead actor and newcomer Joe Alwyn deftly carrying the movie on his shoulders. Let down by a weak script and most of the supporting characters being one-dimensional caricatures, however intentional it may be. The weirdest cast ever assembled for a drama (Garrett Hedlund, Chris Tucker, Steve Martin, Kristen Stewart, and Vin Diesel) works surprisingly well, except for the sadly out-of-place Martin. Didn’t get to see it in the original 4K, 120fps format, but at least I don’t get a headache out of it.
62. Hidden Figures – Typical inspirational historical drama. Sugary and as clichéd as it gets, but solid enough that it works. Elevated by strong performances from the three leading women, made amusing by how every other line spoken by any of them is an Obama-esque crowd-pleasing “Mmhmm” moment, and almost ruined by the presence of Bazinga as a racist, sexist strawman who is just there to be continually outsmarted and embarrassed by the smart, black lady. Probably going to become a staple in high school math/physics classes with lazy teachers. Thumbs up for the Oscar-bait title.
61. 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi – I let out a good chortle when I heard that there would be a movie about the 2012 Benghazi attack starring Jim from “The Office” and directed by none other than Michael Bay, a man whose approach to maturity and good taste generally amounts to a passing laugh and cocaine-sneeze. It was to my pleasant surprise (and admitted slight disappointment) that “13 Hours” turned out to be not only a solid military thriller but also Bay’s most restrained and mature movie. Don’t get me wrong; there’s still plenty of military hardware porn, explosions, and tastefully lit shots of a shirtless John Krasinski (hnnng). However, it also doesn’t include the obnoxious humor and out-of-place product placement that characterize most of his films (although there is a really unnecessary scene in a McDonald’s drive-through), and it actually takes itself fairly seriously, which is surprising coming from the guy who directed a film about two Miami cops who single-handedly invade Cuba.
It presents an account of what happened that night at the U.S. embassy and nearby CIA station as seen through the perspective of the security contractors stationed there, and it avoids politicizing the matter. There’s an annoying CIA chief strawman who refuses to let the contractors go in early to rescue the ambassador, but that’s pretty much the extent of it. The rest is a tense military action film, along with the expected jingoistic hero worship that these types of films have to include by law or something, though thankfully it’s not as bad here. Bay spends a decent amount of time setting up the location, the characters and the situation, before tits go inevitably up. The characters are fairly thin, their non-action scenes amounting to the usual dick-swinging soldier banter and some phone calls to their wholesome, attractive families back home, but the actors are good and convincing enough to make you care about them.
The action scenes are the reasons to see this, characterized by strong sound design and the aforementioned hardware porn that I admittedly enjoy, as well as some great shots, like the slo-motion one of a soldier surrounded by sparks. I also liked the atmosphere of the film, as the contractors slowly move through the ghostly streets of Benghazi, one of them remarking “It’s like we’re in a horror movie”, as some residents nearby are casually watching a soccer match while ignoring the gunfights outside their homes, as if it’s just another weekday evening.
The writing is pretty weak. It gets the needed information across, but the characterization is thin, the dialogue ranges from corny to boring, and there really isn’t enough plot to make this movie as long as it is.
Nontheless, it’s a solid action-thriller. I’ve defended Michael Bay for a long time now (mainly because he made “The Rock”, and I don’t see any other fucking director that made “The Rock”), but between this and 2013’s “Pain & Gain” he shows how much better he can be with smaller budgets and when not constrained by a plot involving giant robots punching each other and making racial wisecracks.
60. Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping – Imagine “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story”, but not as good, and you get a good idea of what “Popstar” is like. The humor was pretty hit-or-miss and definitely favored quantity over quality when it came to the jokes, as can be expected from a movie made by SNL alumni, but it kept me entertained and made me laugh enough to warrant a recommendation. Funniest bits were the TMZ parodies, Justin Timberlake, and the “Equal Rights” music video.
59. Midnight Special – I like Jeff Nichols as a filmmaker. It’s partly because Michael Shannon is in all of his films, and I’ll watch anything that man does at this point, but Nichols has shown himself to be a nuanced and compelling storyteller with an excellent command of both atmosphere and tone. It’s this skilled storytelling and another strong performance from Shannon that make Midnight Special worth watching, even if it’s all in service of a story that becomes pretty dumb by the time we find out what’s going on.
The basic plot is that of a father who runs away from a religious compound with his son and is soon hunted by a number of groups because of some mysterious power that his son possesses. The opening scene where they and a helping friend of the father hurriedly leave a motel room and drive away into the night is excellent and expertly sets up a low-key but involving sci-fi thriller tone. Unfortunately, the more the movie goes on, the more we find out what the son’s powers are and what his “purpose” is, and without spoiling anything, it lost me pretty quickly after the late-second act revelation. The strong cast led by Shannon and Nichols’ direction kept the movie compelling enough to get me to the finish line, but this is definitely a case of a screenplay being too ambitious for its own good.
58. Green Room – Punk rockers vs. neo-Nazis is a premise more fitting of a sillier movie, in my opinion. Writer/director Jeremy Saulnier (who made 2014’s underrated gem “Blue Ruin”) probably knew this, and subverts it by making “Green Room” as grim and unpleasant as he possibly could. Going off of a theme from “Blue Ruin”, the deaths in this movie are often bloody, realistically brutal, and purposely sudden and anticlimactic, simultaneously being a violent movie but also anti-violence. Saulnier’s technical aptitude and the talents of the cast are never in question, and the movie itself is quite gripping and well-paced. I don’t think “Green Room” is as good or thematically rich as “Blue Ruin”, and the ending is a bit of a letdown, but it’s still a well-made and clever genre flick, and if you enjoy feeling like shit and averting your eyes from the screen then it’s the movie for you.
57. Eye in the Sky – A government joint-operation to kill some high-ranking terrorists in Kenya via a drone strike is halted when a little local girl enters the kill-radius. The story is told from the perspective of a ground recon team trying to get her out, the drone pilots, and the military brass and government officials who argue about whether the strike is justified and should be carried out. It has a good setup and a pretty powerful climax, but drags quite a bit in the middle portion where those in charge of the operation keep referring up to their superiors to figure out if they can/should/will fire the missile. The cast, in particular the late, great Alan Rickman as a weary general, are good enough to get you through the duller bits of the movie, and it’s really nice to see Barkhad Abdi in a movie again. While it could have trimmed some of its excess fat, “Eye in the Sky” is a tense, compelling thriller, and a much more mature and responsible examination of the consequences of drone warfare than “London Has Fallen”, albeit much less entertaining.
56. Sully – You’ve got to give Clint Eastwood credit. For a guy in his mid 80’s, he sure is prolific these days, regularly cranking out solid movies every year or two. In retelling the events of the “Miracle on the Hudson” passenger plane water landing from a years beack “Sully” continues that tradition by being good. Not great, but good. Tom Hanks makes for a fine lead, Aaron Eckhart is decent as Hanks’ co-pilot and friend (albeit constantly overshadowed by his own glorious mustache), just about everything else is meh. The highlight of the movie is the water landing itself, shown 3 times at different points from the perspectives of an air traffic controller, the passengers, and finally the cockpit. These scenes are intense and pretty harrowing, dodgy CGI aside. The rest of the movie is either the lead-up to the flight, or the aftermath where Captain Sully deals with the mental trauma from the incident and contends with a federal investigative committee that easily wins the award for “Most Obvious Strawmen of the Year”. Whatever. The film is well-made and compelling enough. As I said before, it’s good. It’s the definition of a 7/10 movie. If you’re old, like the audience during my theater showing was, you’ll probably love it. Everyone else will probably just like it. If you’re expecting something along the lines of Eastwood’s “Unforgiven” or “Letters from Iwo Jima”, you’ll be disappointed, but if you just want a solid, likable movie, this won’t Sully your expectations…I’m sorry for that one.
55. Christine – An amazing, simultaneously magnetic but also hard-to-watch performance by Rebecca Hall as 1970’s reporter Christine Chubbuck, and a very raw portrayal of depression, but ultimately feels pointless as it says nothing about Chubbuck or her mental state, as if the film is keeping her at a distance when it should be holding us down face-first into what she was truly feeling, making the ordeal feel kind of exploitative, when you think about it. If you know her story, the scene you spend the whole movie anticipating is done excellently, however.
54. Certain Women – MINIMALISM. It’s either your type of thing or it isn’t. “Certain Women” is three loosely-connected stories about women who live in Montana, and it’s as grounded and un-flashy as a film can get without being a home movie. It’s one of those films that’s about normal people and their everyday problems, and makes it all seem profound. To me, it worked well for the most part. I was engaged by the nicely composed cinematography and the good performances. The three stories vary in quality. Laura Dern plays a small-town lawyer who gets caught up in a hostage situation, and this is the most straightforward of the three, but also quite engaging. Michelle Williams plays a mother who wants to build her dream home in the woods but faces ambivalence from everyone in her life, and hers is the weakest story, if only because it feels so short and anticlimactic (even by this movie’s standards).
The third story is surprisingly the best, with a ranch hand played by newcomer Lily Gladstone who forms a bond with a young law school graduate played by Kristen Stewart, and it’s an affecting and nuanced look at loneliness. Kelly Reichardt’s direction is modest and very low-key, but it’s empathetic and creates a good sense of atmosphere. This movie is also slower than watching paint dry at half-speed, lacks any overt drama and is very light on plot, so it’s one of those movies you’ll either completely love or won’t care for at all. I liked it, because I’m an edgy contrarian, and because I like a movie that gives its characters breathing room and trusts the audience to be smart enough to get their own thematic value out of it, so it’s worth your while if you’re not feeling too sleepy. Plus, there’s an adorable corgi in it, so automatic recommendation from me.
53. Manchester by the Sea – Reading the reviews and seeing all the award nominations, you’d think this mostly plotless exploration of grief is the desperately-needed salvation of cinema. When the credits rolled, however, all that hype ended up giving me was a resounding “Wait, that’s it?”.
The film is about a Boston janitor with a tragic past whose brother dies, and he goes back to his coastal New England hometown to handle his brother’s affairs and break the news to his son. As the janitor, Casey Affleck delivers one of the best portrayals of grief I’ve ever seen. Even before you know his story, his eyes and demeanor subtly hide an ocean of pain and heartbreak, and he pulls it off so naturally you often forget you’re watching an actor. Equally as good (and possibly better) is Michelle Williams, who plays his ex-wife. The filmmaking crime of the century is only putting her in the movie for like 5-10 minutes, where focusing more on her and Affleck’s relationship would have made the movie infinitely better, in my opinion. The guy who plays Affleck’s nephew is alright, given that his and Affleck’s relationship is the core of the movie, but nothing to write home about other than one really good breakdown scene. Everyone else ranges from “passable” to “clearly acting for the first time” to “distracting cameo from Matthew Broderick”.
I don’t wish to imply that the movie fails in any major way. I wasn’t a fan of how often the movie tried to be funny (“funny” in that New England way where characters swear a lot), and there is a glaring overuse of music, but it wasn’t a deal-breaker. I suppose that outside of a small handful of powerful scenes and moments, “Manchester by the Sea” felt like it was missing that emotional gut-punch it aimed for. It peaks halfway through in a flashback where we see what made Affleck’s character the way he is, and the movie only comes close to matching it during the last scene between Affleck and Williams. Don’t get me wrong; I understand the intention of making the film understated, so as to show a realistic depiction of grief, where people kind of just continue going about life and trying to not think about it. However, it goes a bit too far in this direction, to the point where I didn’t care for the mundanity of their lives and wanted some crying and goddamn emotion. This may be an over-simplification of how I feel, but basically, the movie is 10/10 when Affleck and Williams are onscreen together, an 8/10 when it’s just Affleck, and a 5/10 or a 6/10 when it’s any other combination of actors.
52. A Bigger Splash – Seems like it’s going to be a mature meditation on romance and desire until Ralph Fiennes shows up 5 minutes in, steals the entire fucking movie away from both the director and the rest of the cast, rubs his dick on the print, then sets it on fire while giggling to himself and dancing around naked. One of the best performances in a career filled with great performances. Movie goes downhill significantly in the last 30 or so minutes.
51. The Love Witch – Clever satire of gender dynamics as seen through the eyes of a love-addicted femme fatale witch. PERFECTLY nails the old-school Technicolor horror/sexploitation vibe. The art design, camerawork, hair/makeup, and even the way the actors behave is spot-on. Bravo to director Anna Biller and all involved as far as the technical aspects go. Story is at first detrimentally slow and the movie is far too long, but it picks up in the second half. Feels a bit too written, as if the characters occasionally stop being themselves and become mouthpieces for the writer/director.
50. Hardcore Henry – Let it not be said that there is no innovative filmmaking these days. Russian musician and music video director Ilya Naishuller was given a few million dollars to make a balls-to-the-wall action film filmed entirely from the first-person perspective of the main character. The most impressive thing about the stupidly-titled “Hardcore Henry” is how much mileage it manages to get out of its first-person gimmick, and how surprisingly well-made it is. Actual stunts are performed, effects are mostly practical (aside from a few bits of awful CGI), and you always feel like you’re in the body of the main character. The action scenes are fun and inventive, there’s a good deal of humor (I liked the bit with the overlapping subtitles), and Sharlto Copley gives a great performance as several incarnations of the same man with different personalities and looks. The plot is completely shit, and gets a bit too bogged down with exposition at times, but it’s never too intrusive. I suppose the biggest concern there is with this movie is if you can handle the filming technique, because the constant movement of the camera, especially during the action scenes, can give you motion sickness. I got a headache and a bit of nausea while watching it, but it could have been from the McDonald’s I had just before seeing it, so I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. I think that it works much better on a small screen instead of a movie theater either way, and even while on the verge of throwing up, I had a good deal of fun with “Hardcore Henry”. If you’ve ever used a VR headset while on meth, it should give you a good idea of the experience.
49. Hail, Caesar! – The Coen Brothers are my favorite filmmakers. So strong is their output that even their “bad” movies are good movies by any other standard. I don’t wish to imply that “Hail, Caesar!” is one of their “bad” ones, but it’s definitely on the lower end of their spectrum. The promotional material led me to believe that it would be a comic thriller about a 1950’s Hollywood fixer (a “problem solver” for studios) who teams up with a number of colorful showbiz people to rescue a kidnapped leading man. While the basic plot is there, the movie feels more like a leisurely series of vignettes about the colorful characters, loosely-connected by the fixer asking them for their help. It’s all amusing, colorful, and beautifully shot by eternal Oscars bridesmaid Roger Deakins, but it feels like it’s missing any sort of narrative thrust or stakes. The Coens don’t seem to be going for that sort of film, and it feels intentionally meandering and light, so the film is better if you go in expecting it. The writing is entertaining, but while the film is certainly hilarious in parts and never boring, some comedic bits feel stretched out for far too long (such as the scene with the religious leaders), which is unusual for the Coens.
The whole endeavor is less about plot and more about being a fun tribute-by-way-of-pisstake to Old Hollywood. It reminds me a bit of their earlier work “Barton Fink”, albeit broader, sillier, less existential, and much less cynical. We see old-fashioned editing rooms, grand movie sets, a wonderful musical number, Communism, etc. The Coen Brothers made a film that feels nostalgic towards a simpler era of filmmaking, while still acknowledging that even back then they made crap films. The biggest selling point in the movie is its’ all-star cast. I can’t remember the last time a movie had this many big-name actors attached to it. Sadly, due to the light nature of the story, a lot of them feel like glorified cameos, even if there isn’t a weak link among them. George Clooney is in top-form in the role of the kidnapped actor, the type of buffoon the Coens always seem to make him play. Channing Tatum is great as a tap-dancing musical star. Completely stealing the show is up-and-comer Aldren Ehrenreich, who plays a dopey but sweet cowboy actor, and who is so naturally funny, likable and charismatic here that I don’t have a single doubt about him becoming huge in the near future.
It just goes to show that even a lesser Coen Bros. film is still vastly better than the best work by most directors. While slow and kind of pointless overall, “Hail, Caesar!” is still a funny, gorgeous, and charming homage to the Hollywood Golden Age, one that rewards attention and repeated viewings, and welcomes them as well.
48. Finding Dory – Not on par with “WALL-E” or “Up”, but entertaining and nicely emotional. Feels like a welcome return to form for Pixar after so many years of disappointments. Bonus points for being the good kind of sequel, one that not only works on its own but actually adds new dimension to the original. Kind of disappointing, because before seeing the movie I was all ready to say “Finding Dory? More like FOUND IT BORING”. Nice message about family and taking care of a family member with special needs. Looking forward to “Finding Marlin”, where we see Marlin as an alcoholic going through a midlife crisis as he tries to singlehandedly raise a crippled son and his mentally handicapped friend.
47. Deadpool – One of my biggest pet peeves in movies is characters breaking the fourth-wall. I don’t mind a film being cheeky, but a movie occasionally pausing itself to acknowledge that it’s a movie annoys me to no end. I say this because “Deadpool” actually does fourth-wall breaking right, making it a key part of the humor and tone and story rather than an occasional “look at how clever and ironic we are” moment.
One would think because of this that “Deadpool” is just an endless series of self-referential jokes. It mostly is, but thankfully there’s an actual story, a bicycle for all the colorful tassels to hang on. Don’t get me wrong; the story is generic as hell. It’s still your typical superhero origin story, albeit one helped greatly by the nonlinear structure, alluding to Deadpool as an unreliable narrator. Also helping is a surprisingly engaging romance aspect, thanks to Ryan Reynolds’ and Morena Baccarin’s great chemistry and that the romance is a key part of the main character’s motivations (and that the girl feels like an actual character, not just a crowbarred-in love interest like almost every other comic book movie). One of the best scenes in the film is a montage of them “celebrating” various holidays.
Reynolds is perfectly cast as Wade Wilson, a role that his whole career since “Van Wilder” has been building towards. He effortlessly captures the character’s smarminess and gallows humor, but also makes him just likable enough to root for. Baccarin shows enough personality and comic timing that I certainly won’t mind seeing her having a bigger role in the sequel. The action sequences are the highlights. Tim Miller (in his directing debut) shows a clear aptitude for this, making the fight scenes bloody, funny, and visually creative, doing more with $60 million than most directors can do with $200 million.
Your enjoyment of “Deadpool” will come from whether you like its sense of humor. Given the sheer amount of jokes the film flings at the wall, a number of them are going to fall flat. However, to me a lot of them did land, and the movie is quite funny despite being a bit too in love with itself, and any comedy film that doesn’t give away its best jokes in the trailer (especially with a marketing campaign like this film had) is worthy of a recommendation in my eyes.
46. Blood Father – This is the best Liam Neeson movie that Liam Neeson never made. The action is tense and hard-hitting, the cast is good, and the movie is a very lean and efficient 88 minutes. However, there’s some distractingly bad editing at times, the plot is typical Liam Neeson fare (daughter is in trouble with criminals and seeks out her estranged ex-con dad to help out) and the dialogue is pretty wonky and overly reliant on swearing. Also, the girl is fairly annoying, but I suppose it suits her character so I won’t judge her too much for it. What makes the movie work is Mel Gibson’s performance. Looking increasingly like a shredded, captivity-era Saddam Hussein, Gibson is a volcano almost constantly on the verge of eruption. He plays a pissed-off man better than anyone, but he also showcases a good deal of humor and heart, able to convey more with his demeanor than most actors can with an entire monologue. Plus, watching him bite a guy’s ear off before head-butting him repeatedly is great fun. While Gibson is definitely better than the film’s B-movie material, he sells the hell out of it, elevating everything around him and making up for a lot of the movie’s flaws (you get the feeling it’d be much better if he directed it, as well). “Blood Father” is not quite the Mel Gibson renaissance-marking comeback I keep hoping for, but it’s good enough to recommend. Here’s hoping we don’t have to wait another few years to be reminded how great of an actor he is. Can’t quell the Mel.
45. The Brothers Grimsby (AKA Grimsby) - It’s been a while since we’ve gotten a comedy from Sacha Baron Cohen. His stuff other than “Borat” has gotten a mixed reception, but I’ve always felt that that as a comic he has excellent timing and creativity, and even when not doing his famous “interacting with real people while in character” routine, the guy knows how to put together a joke. In a comedy world filled increasingly with endless cameos and cringe-worthy improv humor, it’s relieving to see a comedian that can still write a solid gag and perform it well.
Cohen plays Nobby, a trashy but kind-hearted English football hooligan who lives in Grimsby, a town so squalid that on a sign it says that its sister city is Chernobyl. He’s spent decades searching for his long-lost younger brother Sebastian (played by Mark Strong), and upon finally finding him he discovers that Sebastian is a highly-trained secret agent who is involved in stopping an elaborate terror attack. Naturally, shenanigans ensue which results in the two brothers teaming together to save the world. The plot is basically “What if James Bond had a fuckup brother?”
Some of the humor is as gross-out as it can get, getting plenty of use out of genitals and bodily fluids (there’s one sequence involving elephants that I don’t think I’ll ever forget). Quite a bit of the humor is based around English class differences, which may go over the head of American audiences, but I quite enjoyed. And some is just tastelessness and over-the-top comedic violence. Sometimes it doesn’t work, but I found myself surprised at how much did. There’s a good deal of set-ups and payoffs to the jokes, which I found refreshing, like someone actually spent time to craft the comedy in this film. I’ll say that I laughed pretty often, and I was never less than amused. Strong and Cohen have excellent chemistry together, and the film is at its best when it focuses on the two and their exchanges, with Strong proving to be an excellent straight-man to Cohen’s ridiculousness. It even has a nice little subplot about the two brothers bonding and coming to terms with why they were initially separated that even pays off during the climax.
The movie is a little over 80-minutes and moves at such a fast pace that even if a certain gag doesn’t work, it quickly moves past it. The trade-off to this is that when a gag does work, it’s not given much time to play out. I full-heartedly believe that brevity is the soul of wit, and it’s not a huge issue, but I do wish some of the jokes had a bit of breathing space. Probably the movie’s biggest sin is completely wasting its supporting cast. Penelope Cruz, Isla Fisher, Rebel Wilson, and Ian McShane all feel like bit players who are there just for plot purposes. Maybe that was intentional, to play the film like a straight-faced James Bond film with Cohen there to single-handedly derail it, but why cast talented, well-known actors in such useless bit parts?
I still recommend the film for being genuinely, unapologetically funny, and while a lot of its jokes are in bad taste, they never feel mean-spirited or overly edgy. They come from Cohen’s desire to shock you into laughing, but it feels self-aware and innocent enough that you’re more amused and bewildered rather than offended. Still, if gags about AIDS, incest, bestiality, casual gun violence, lower-class scum, and things being shoved into asses don’t sit well with you, then “The Brothers Grimsby” is not the bland, PG-13, all-inclusive safe-space you want, you precious snowflake.
44. Operation Avalanche – Starts off slowly and ploddingly but before long, it overcomes its’ potentially-gimmicky premise and occasionally unconvincing façade to become a surprisingly engaging and creative foray into “historical” found-footage bolstered by writer/director/star Matt Johnson’s deft storytelling and clear passion for filmmaking, with an unexpectedly excellent car chase to boot.
43. Loving – Jeff Nichols’ “Loving” is an account of Richard and Mildred Loving, an interracial couple who were arrested and then exiled for being married in 1950’s Virginia, and whose case to return home eventually went all the way to the Supreme Court. Given the material and the convenient title, you’d think this was blatant Oscar-bait all the way through, but for the most part it’s not. Jeff Nichols’ empathetic direction and the strong, restrained performances by Joel Edgerton and Ruth Negga as the two leads make this film feel human instead of exploitative. Nichols makes an interesting choice to keep the movie very personal and focused on the couple, with the broader Civil Rights Movement only briefly mentioned. I actually liked this approach as it makes you feel the pain and struggle and love of the characters first, and then by extension see how damaging prejudices (both institutional and personal) can be to people.
The film doesn’t completely escape Oscar-bait trappings, however. It still has the comedy-actor-playing-a-dramatic-role in the form of Nick Kroll as the ACLU lawyer assigned to the Lovings. He’s not bad or anything, but he feels a bit distracting and the role doesn’t amount to much. The music is fine, but it still has those corny inspirational cues at moments of triumph and perseverance, places where I think silence would have been much more effective. My biggest complaint is that it’s a Jeff Nichols movie and Michael Shannon is only in it for one scene. It's an important and good one, but you really wish he’d be in the movie more or maybe that’s just me because I LOVE MICHAEL SHANNON, HOLY SHIT. I've come to the conclusion that the quality of a Jeff Nichols film is often in direct proportion to how much Michael Shannon is in it (seriously, go see "Take Shelter" if you haven't already).
The best part of “Loving” is the two leads, who share a quiet but powerful chemistry, both of them reserved people whose love for each other you can feel in the littlest gestures and who don’t need any obvious histrionics or even words to show their feelings to the audience. It’s the solid core that makes the movie good, elegantly guided by Jeff Nichols’ confident and mature direction, even if the rest of it isn’t all that remarkable. Not quite a “Loving” for me, but eaily a “Liking”.
42. Deepwater Horizon - I’ve liked Peter Berg as a director ever since his underrated action-comedy “The Rundown”, starring The Rock back when he was still billed as “The Rock”. He shows an aptitude for action, pacing, and getting good performances out of his actors, but lately, he’s had a really bad case of hero worship. This, “Patriot’s Day” and “Lone Survivor” all have a frankly fetishistic view of real-life bravery, all ending in a text commending the bravery of those involved and including the names of victims, etc. This always felt like a cheap trick to me, one meant to elicit tears and nods of approval from middle-aged audience members who don’t go to the movies that often, rather than properly characterize his heroes. He gets around this somewhat by casting good actors who are likable enough that we care for them in spite of the weak writing and schlocky sense of patriotism. It all just feels weirdly exploitative of the real-life tragedies that the films depict.
As for the movie itself, it’s quite good. It starts with the prerequisite buildup on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, showing negligence on the part of some of the management and the BP executives (read: strawmen), while showing the intelligence on display by the regular, blue-collar engineers and oil rig workers. I don’t deny that things were actually like this (truthfully, I don’t care enough to look it up), but it does feel pretty clichéd in movie form. Then the disaster hits, and there’s a solid 40-or-so minutes of the rig blowing up while the crew scramble to try to contain the situation and evacuate. This part is great. Berg’s technical skill is on full display, helping you follow the characters and what’s going on despite a lot of them speaking in mostly technical terms and the setting feeling like being trapped in a maze that’s on fire. It’s fantastically gripping, edge-of-your-seat stuff, helped by the theater-shaking sound design and convincing visual effects. The film ends with some tearful family reunions and heart-wrenching breakdowns when the survivors get back home. I’ll say that if I walked out of the film RIGHT after the screen faded to black, I would have a higher opinion about it.
If you like or at least don’t mind the hero-worship stuff, I’ll say that Deepwater Horizon is one of the year’s best-crafted thrillers, a disaster movie where the disaster actually feels scary and real as opposed to the dumb fun of something like “San Andreas”. I’m not against paying respects to the dead or to the bravery involved, but I think it should be done within the context of the film and the script, not forcing the audience to stay an extra five-minutes as some sort of memorial service that we paid money to attend.
41. Rams – This film is about a pair of Icelandic brothers who own neighboring sheep farms. They haven’t spoken to each other for 40 years due to implied but never explicitly-stated petty squabbles and stubborn jealousy, but are forced to work together to save their sheep when their flocks suffer from an outbreak of scrapie, a fatal degenerative disease that affects sheep and goats. This film is very affecting, low-key filmmaking, deftly handling heartbreaking drama, touching bonding, and even some surprisingly funny (albeit-bleak) comedy such as a scene where one character transports another to a hospital. It makes great use of the “show, don’t tell” filmmaking rule. Many scenes have little to no dialogue, but all serve a purpose in terms of plot or characterization or insight. The plot of sheep farmers trying to protect their flock may seem like a hard-to-relate-to storyline, but the film has universal themes of family and loss, and its observant and sympathetic storytelling makes the film accessible to anyone, even if they aren’t familiar with sheep mating procedures.
40. Kubo and the Two Strings - Laika has always been an overlooked animation studio, most known for making the wonderfully creepy “Coraline”, but finding little success in terms of box office even while their films are all quite good. Take “Kubo and the Two Strings”, a flawed but highly original and absolutely stunningly animated film that only managed to make a little over its production budget back, while “Zootopia” made over a billion dollars. Such is life.
The film itself is about a one-eyed boy named Kubo who is hunted by a vengeful demon and must team up with a magical monkey statue and a beetle-man to find some mystical MacGuffins that can help defeat it. It starts out very well, showing the boy’s daily routine of using his magic guitar and origami to tell stories to the local villagers. After shit goes inevitably down, it’s still quite compelling for a while, bringing a melancholy flavor to the boy’s journey and his interaction with his two companions. The problem is that the actual plot is pretty uninteresting, especially after the predictable late second-act plot twist, and while I can appreciate that the conflict resolution in the third act doesn’t just end by one character beating up another, the actual manner in which it’s resolved is pretty dumb.
The reason to see “Kubo and the Two Strings” is its gorgeous stop-motion animation. I had to smack my mouth a few times to remind myself that I wasn’t looking at high-quality CGI. It’s reassuring to learn that Laika is owned by the billionaire former CEO of Nike, so the studio isn’t exactly hurting for cash and can continue to focus on making their original and creative and beautiful movies without needing to dumb them down for most audiences, but it’s still a little depressing when good, accessible films fail to find their audience. While flawed (and nowhere near as good as “Coraline”), “Kubo and the Two Strings” is worth checking out if you love stop-motion animation as much as I do and you’re just waiting for the next Aardman film to come out.
39. April and the Extraordinary World - In an industry almost completely dominated by 3D CGI-animated films, it’s somewhat refreshing to come across a traditionally-animated 2D film. “April and the Extraordinary World” is a French film set in an alternate-history 1940’s where the world’s foremost scientists of the past several decades have gone missing, causing crucial technological innovation to not happen and for the world to continue relying on coal and eventually wood-burning steam power. In a world on the brink of war for resources, April is a young French woman whose parents are two of the missing scientists, and we follow her and her talking cat Darwin as they attempt to solve the mystery behind the disappearances.
I want to start off by mentioning the art style. The characters are the simple but expressive beady-eyed 2D people you’d expect from European animation, but the design of the bleak steampunk world and the technology is amazing. However, and this is what I really like about the film, while it shows how cool-looking steampunk technology can be, it also criticizes it for being completely retarded and impractical and damaging to both the environment and to people, cosplayers be damned (Europe is completely treeless and characters have to wear gas masks if they’re outdoors for too long). The characters (especially the talking cat) are spunky, entertaining, and even have their fair share of depth. The film carries a nice message about using science and optimism instead of violence and negativity to solve the world’s problems. This feels more like the film that “Tomorrowland” should have been, before it got Lindelof’d.
However, it does have kind of the same problem that “Tomorrowland” did, in that the third act gets pretty stupid. It’s certainly not as bad or as nonsensical as it was in that film, and while the plot twist and eventual revelation are actually built towards instead of just dumped on us, it does get rather silly and I sort of lost interest. Without spoiling too much, it does end up relying on that tiresome “in order to save humanity, we have to destroy it” sci-fi cliché that was dumb even back when “The Terminator” did it.
Still, on the whole, I was surprised by how much I liked “April and the Extraordinary World”. While it certainly loses some steam near the end (pun originally unintended), it’s still engaging and surprisingly entertaining enough for the duration of its running time to warrant a recommendation.
Note: If you can, see the French-dubbed version. The English voice actors are good, but the movie and lip-sync feel off by not being in their original language. For the record, this is the only time I’ll ever say that something (other than bread) is improved by being French.
38. Mascots – To me, a mark of a good comedy is if it makes me laugh a lot. By that criteria, Christopher Guest’s latest mockumentary about a professional mascot competition and its participants is a good comedy. There’s not much to say about this film if you’re familiar with Guest’s other improv-heavy comedy films, and structurally it’s very similar to “Best in Show”. It’s not as good as that gem, partly because it feels like a more manufactured scenario, a parody of a part of culture and a competition that doesn’t feel real in the first place (as opposed to the biting satire of the very real world of professional dog-shows), and partly because Fred Willard is only in this for like 5-10 minutes instead of 40-45. Guest regulars Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara’s absences are also felt.
Still, what I like about Guest’s style of comedy that I despise about the Judd Apatow/SNL style of improv is the timing. He knows how to edit his jokes and his characters to keep them funny, and he knows when to let a joke go, as opposed to letting it linger and rot. The fact that he doesn’t write screenplays or hold any rehearsals for himself and his cast pretty much means that he films them performing improv and leaves in whatever is funny. Despite the aforementioned absences, the cast here is still great (with standout performances by Parker Posey, Susan Yeagley, and the guy who fucks from “Silicon Valley”), the movie has plenty of laughs and a surprising amount of poignancy and sweetness, and some of the actual mascot routines in the latter half of the movie are both hilarious and even breathtaking, particularly one involving an expressionist modern-dance about feminism and art in an armadillo costume.
37. The Accountant - One of the most entertainingly uneven films I’ve seen in a long time, “The Accountant” tries to be a character study, a corporate thriller, an operator-style action film, a family drama, a quirky comedy, a PSA about autism, and it even flirts with being an odd-couple romance. It never really comes together in the traditional sense, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a blast watching it try.
The plot is about an autistic accountant who in his secret-life uncooks finances for some of the world’s most dangerous people, and how a seemingly simple assignment in auditing a robotics firm becomes dangerous and blah-blah-blah. This movie has far too much plot and little of it is worth caring about. Where it works surprisingly well is in the character study of the main character, Christian Wolff (who sounds like a name belonging to a character in a cheap erotic novel you can find in airport shops). You see his upbringing, the circumstances that led him to his current career, and his routines in trying to deal with life with high-functioning autism. I (cheekily) said from the start that Ben Affleck is perfect casting for an ass-kicking autist but he’s actually, genuinely, unironically good in a committed and fleshed-out performance that wouldn’t feel out of place in a more serious movie about adults with autism.
In trying to do the other aspects, however, the movie kind of falls apart. The first act is a mostly straightforward setup that you could be forgiven for thinking that it won’t even be a thriller. Wolff’s awkward bluntness around neuro-typicals is played for mild chuckles, because of course it is. Only at the end of it do we see that he’s a badass operator once he’s betrayed and people try to kill him. The second act where a government agent played by J.K. Simmons gives us a 10-minute exposition dump is pretty dull. There’s a hint of some romance between Wolff and a young accountant whose life he saved played by Anna Kendrick, but thankfully it’s never fully realized (“Gosh, I find your lack of social development and the way you cleanly killed the men who attacked me soooo sexy.”)
It’s only in the third act where he goes out to get the people who are after him where the movie becomes a wonderful nirvana of schlock, the “John Wick meets Rain Man” asploitation I hoped it would be. I’m not going to spoil too much, but it has the two funniest plot twists of any film this year, a solid 5 minutes where a caretaker at a home for autistic children gives a PSA about caring for people with disabilities, and a hilarious and completely unnecessary villainous monologue for the ages, courtesy of a paycheck-loving John Lithgow. My only complaint at that point were that there were no accounting-related one-liners in the film, including but not limited to:
- I just depreciated YOUR LIFE
- Don't write me off as a loss just yet
- They must be held accountable
- She's becoming a liability
- He's likes torturing people. He's accrual man
- A character named General Ledger
I don’t know. I chose a dull major, alright?
36. Moonlight – Clichéd dialogue and an annoying tendency to skip over some important/interesting events in the main character’s life, but empathetic performances, a great cast, and a good understanding and balance of the movie’s story and its’ theme of identity. I’m a bit of a tough nut to crack, emotionally speaking, so I feel like the subtle approach from this movie didn’t affect me as much as it did the many people who hail this film as the Second Coming of Christ.
35. Kill Zone 2 – Insane, jaw-dropping, balls-to-the-wall fight scenes that are too often hampered or outright interrupted by that silly and intrusive “plot” nonsense that unfortunately characterizes most post-Jackie Hong Kong kung-fu films. Still, any film that has Tony Jaa doing a flying double knee through a bus windshield and into the driver gets a recommendation from me.
34. Anthropoid – “War is not romantic”.
I’ve always held a soft spot for well-made genre films, and “Anthropoid”, a World War II thriller that, despite a title and poster that look like they belong to some sci-fi horror movie, is certainly that. “Anthropoid” is about a historical real-life mission by the Czech Resistance to assassinate a high-ranking Nazi official in occupied Prague. What I like about this movie is how solemn it is. None of the good guys are clear-eyed heroes who live happily ever after. These are anxious, grimly-professional saboteurs. Most of the resistance members question over whether killing one man is worth the possible consequences it would bring to the Czech people, while the two leads soldier on, determined to follow their orders. Cillian Murphy and the guy from “50 Shades of Grey” (Jamie Dornan) make for a likable pair of leads, and the characters feel human instead of movie-ish. Even during their romances with two local Prague women, it feels less like forced Hollywood trite and more like people trying to comfort each other in a hopelessly bleak environment.
The movie starts slow, but builds well to the more thrilling stuff. Interestingly (minor spoiler), the assassination attempt only occurs halfway through the movie, with the second half being the fallout and repercussions. A more generic movie would have ended with the assassination, before including text commending the bravery of the Czech Resistance and how their mission was successful, but “Anthropoid” instead shows and talks about the horrible things the Nazis did in retaliation, including killing thousands of Czech civilians, before showing what happens to the Resistance members involved in the assassination. I won’t ruin it, but the last half-hour of the movie is pretty devastating stuff.
There’s nothing particularly wrong with Anthropoid, as long as you don’t mind the slow build. It doesn’t really strive for greatness or deep meaning in any way. It’s just a well-made, well-acted, tense, bleak, and morally grey look at an important event in World War II and how it (and war in general) affects people. Bonus points for the cast actually making an effort to speak with Czech accents, instead of the usual historical non-British movie done entirely with British accents.
33. The Siege of Jadotville – Hey, speaking of solid genre flicks starring Jamie Dornan! I love a good war film, so when I heard that when Netflix produced one set during the Congo Crisis of the 1960’s, a refreshing change from the usual “popular” wars like WWII, ‘Nam, and Iraq/Afghanistan, my ears perked up. The plot is about an Irish company of UN peacekeepers who are sent to the tiny town of Jadotville in the resource-rich Congo during a period of upheaval and civil war. Murky politics and other UN operations in the area make things worse, and in retaliation the rebel government and French/Belgian mercenaries send a massive force to attack the isolated Irish troops.
There’s about 40 minutes of setup, in which we see the soldiers (led by Dornan), most of them still teenagers, at home before they get shipped off, we get a broad overview of the political climate in the Congo, including the coup leader and the UN representative sent to assist the central government (played by a shitty hairpiece with a Mark Strong attached to it), as well as the situation that led to tits going up for the peacekeepers. The remaining hour of the movie is the titular week-long siege, with the Irish defending a tactically disadvantaged position with limited food, ammo, and water against a very numerically superior enemy.
All of this is very well-crafted, with good pacing and editing, especially during the battle scenes, which are tense, harrowing, and filmed in a way that you actually get a solid idea of the geography of the siege. History, and even the movie at one point, both say that there were 150 UN troops at Jadotville, but it never seems like there's more than a few dozens of them. It's not a huge issue, but a little distracting.
The characters are pretty thin, with only a handful of the soldiers actually having names, and the writing is nothing special. It’s efficient in the sense that it gets the necessary information across and doesn’t intrude on the story, but it does have the usual clichés you see in a war film. The soldiers are portrayed as brave, noble, and heroic, while the UN leaders and generals are shown as callous, selfish, and incompetent. After some reading into the history, I found that this is not untrue, but it still feels like a conventional audience-pleasing dynamic. To the film’s credit however, it does a nice job of showing how morally grey the conflict was, without really claiming moral superiority for either side, but still makes you care for the UN soldiers at the heart of it. Even the trademark ending text is done tastefully and respectfully.
If you want a compelling, well-crafted war film and have a Netflix subscription, then “The Siege of Jadotville” is worth checking out. Between this and “Anthropoid”, Jamie Dornan has proven himself a capable (and wonderfully mustached) leading man, and in my eyes has done a good job getting his reputation back to “respectable” after “Fifty Shades of Grey” and...oh, there's two sequels to it coming out? Well, here's hoping for more good war films from the lad afterwards.
32. Doctor Strange – Same-old shit from Marvel, in terms of writing and story, but at least contains enough beautiful visuals and creativity to take away a good deal of the staleness. Bonus points for having a climax that is the exact opposite of a typical superhero destruction-fest.
31. The Magnificent Seven – At a film festival like TIFF, which is mainly meant for foreign, independent, arthouse films and prestige pictures, “The Magnificent Seven”, a remake of John Sturges’ 1960 original and an unapologetic, old-fashioned Western, stands out. As a genre-film aficionado, that appealed to me enough that I saw this movie even though it would come out in theaters a few weeks later.
And I’m glad I did. “The Magnificent Seven” is just plain, loud, over-the-top fun. If you see the trailer, the movie is exactly what you think it’ll be like. A woman seeks frontier justice against the power-hungry coal baron who terrorizes her town and murdered her husband, and pays a bounty hunter (Denzel Washington, who looks like he was born to play a cowboy in this movie) to go after him. He recruits 6 more outlaws, killers, and warriors to aid him in his quest to protect the honest townsfolk from the evil businessman and his army. Whiskey is drunk, guns are drawn, banter is exchanged, and lots of people get shot and blown up. Antoine Fuqua (an expert in making solid genre flicks) keeps the movie paced well, gives the characters breathing space to flesh out a bit, and makes the action loud, exciting, and well-filmed. No shaky-cam bullshit here, just good, efficient filmmaking with lots of nice Western vistas.
The cast is strong, especially Washington and Chris Pratt (who I worried would be out of place but acquits himself well here), along with solid supporting players. The writing is nothing special, but gets the job done, although there are some unfortunate missed opportunities at character development and payoffs, especially when it comes to Ethan Hawke’s (fabulously named) Goodnight Robicheaux, a former Confederate sharpshooter who hung up his guns. Also, a minor issue, but the film severely overplays how effective a mid-19th century gatling gun is.
There’s nothing altogether remarkable about this remake from a quality standpoint, but in a year filled with failed reboots and sequels and unremarkable superhero films, a good, solid personality-filled Western shoot-em-up about a multicultural team of badasses teaming up against the evil establishment is more than a welcome breath of fresh air.
30. Everybody Wants Some!! - Richard Linklater’s spiritual sequel to “Dazed and Confused” feels very much like a Richard Linklater film. There’s not much plot; it’s just about a college freshman baseball player and his team’s escapades over the weekend before the semester starts in the fall of 1980, as they hang out, go party, try to get laid, and attend their first practice. There’s no real structure to this film. It’s meandering in typical Linklater fashion, where the movie is more about the characters, the setting, and the dialogue. If you don’t mind this sort of thing, “Everybody Wants Some!!” is a very enjoyable movie. The characters and performances are on point, the banter is entertaining, the music is great (used especially well during a scene where the characters drive around town singing “Rapper’s Delight”) and even when Linklater waxes philosophical as he sometimes tends to, it feels less pretentious and more like the characters being themselves. When they talk about life, man, they’re often drunk or high or sleep-deprived, which feels like a nice bit of self-awareness from Linklataer. It even gets a bit inspirational at times, as the themes of finding out your identity and place in life and making the most of your short time on this Earth hits home surprisingly well. Funny, charming, and likable in every way that “Boyhood” wasn’t, “Everybody Wants Some!!” marks a welcome return to form for Richard Linklater, which is amazing considering it didn’t even take TWELVE YEARS to make.
29. Love & Friendship – Not being a big fan of hoity-toity costume dramas and having never read any of Jane Austen’s work, I really didn’t think this Austen adaptation would appeal to me. However, following the initial 10-15 minutes where my brain adjusted to the Regency-era English, I found that I really enjoyed this film. It’s a comedy of manners centered on a widowed socialite (played by the never-better Kate Beckinsale), a cunning and manipulative woman who is well-known as the best flirt in London, and her attempts to get her daughter married to a wealthy suitor as she herself juggles those in her social circles. I found myself loving the barbed interplay between well-written characters. The cast is uniformly excellent, with a strong performance by Beckinsale and a show-stealing turn from Tom Bennett as a wealthy but utterly gormless suitor, the kind of man who keeps talking even when he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and who is completely enchanted by the “tiny green balls” at dinner (peas). The whole movie is kind of plotless, with very little narrative drive and it feels like important character developments are often skimmed over (two characters have a pleasant conversation in one scene and are married like, 5 minutes later). The whole movie feels very light, albeit very watchable. Watch it for the excellent cast, the lovely sets and costumes, and for the genuinely hilarious writing, but don’t expect to be all that invested in what happens. The whole thing feels like a dinner party with much wittier and politer versions of your extended family, albeit just as catty and spiteful.
28. Captain America: Civil War - By now most people have acknowledged the problems with the Marvel Cinematic Universe. While most are solid superhero flicks, they all feel kind of safe and sterile, films marked-tested to appeal to as large an audience as possible. While this leaves less room for error, it also limits how good they can become. If all you want is good actors wearing ridiculous costumes punching each other and destroy expensive CGI environments while mumbling groan-worthy quips, the MCU has got you covered. Those of us who want them to approach something like Raimi’s Spider-Man films or Nolan’s first two Batman films are often left wanting. Sometimes it has gotten better than the norm. The first half of “Captain America: The First Avenger” was excellent before it became kind of a rushed mess in the second. Shane Black’s “Iron Man 3” felt like the only genuinely auteur-driven film in the whole MCU (if only because so much of the humor is based on what Black and Downey Jr. accomplished in “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”). “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” is still the high point of the MCU, a terrific and surprisingly character-driven action thriller that barely felt like a superhero flick. The point I’m laboriously trying to get to is that while “Civil War” for the most part takes itself seriously and actually approaches “Winter Soldier” levels of greatness, it can’t help but fall back on the lame, quippy, fanboy-masturbating sameness that has defined this cinematic universe since Joss Whedon first got involved with the franchise.
The plot is that a mysterious man frames Captain America’s friend Bucky for a terrorist attack, while Tony Stark feels guilty about collateral damage caused by the Avengers’ various battles and wants to sign some UN accord to make the Avengers government regulated, and tries to hunt Cap down when he goes rogue to try and protect Bucky. It’s pretty convoluted stuff if you’re not already caught up on the franchise, but not too difficult to follow. My main concern going into this film was that it’d be more of an “Avengers” film than a “Captain America” film. Cap’s films have a good track record, while the two Avengers movies are kinda crap. Thankfully, the heavy focus is on Cap and his efforts to protect Bucky from an increasingly hostile and angry Tony Stark. Despite what the marketing tries to say, the whole UN accord business feels minor at best, only there for a #WhoseSideAreYouOn hashtag to appease the autists who want their precious comic-book to be faithfully adapted. The story is surprisingly engaging, and while the aforementioned mysterious man is the real villain and does an effective job, the role of antagonist is actually filled really well by Iron Man. The characters are given enough room that pretty much everyone in the ensemble gets a moment to shine, the pacing is good, and (despite the Russo Brothers’ annoying use of shaky-cam and fast editing) the action scenes are solid and actually serve a purpose. It was almost a great “Captain America” film. And then Spider-Man shows up.
Spider-Man was added to this film halfway through filming due to Marvel striking a deal with Sony Pictures for the rights to the character, and his crowbarring into the movie is really obvious. There’s a whole half-hour of the movie that he’s in, where from introduction to the big punch-up at the airport to his exit, it feels like a completely different film, filled with the aforementioned light-hearted quippy humor that pretty much completely dissolves all tension, momentum, and conflict that movie had done a pretty good job building up to that point. It’s not bad in and of itself, but it feels like it suddenly became an “Avengers” movie, a big-budget re-enactment of a 10-year-old boy playing with his action figures. The only reason I don’t despise this part of the movie is because it at least has a few genuinely funny moments (most of them courtesy of Paul Rudd’s Ant-Man). The film recovers fairly well from this, and actually serves up a strong and pretty emotional climax that isn’t just wanton CGI destruction, but it still left a bad taste in my mouth, like I was bukkake’d by neo-nerd hipsters while sleeping and managed to clean myself off but the stains on my soul remained.
Look, I’ve said a bunch of negative (and some disgusting) things about this movie and the MCU in general, but “Civil War” is overall a good movie. The character work is strong, it’s occasionally funny, the cast is mostly terrific, and it’s definitely in the upper-echelon of this franchise. But the things that hold this series back (the sameness, the dull visuals, the lack of stakes, circlejerking, etc.) hold this movie back as well. Who knows? Once they’re done with this phase of the MCU, they can actually start to experiment and not just make the same kind of movie over and over, because let’s face it; people will come see these anyway. Hell, give me a She-Hulk movie directed by David Lynch, or a blaxploitation-style origin story about Nick Fury starring Michael Jai White, or a musical romantic-comedy about Squirrel Girl directed by George Miller. I don’t know. I’d rather see any of those than ANOTHER GODDAMN SPIDER-MAN REBOOT.
27. Train to Busan – Pretty much what you’d expect, plot and character-wise, from a zombie movie, but damned if South Korea doesn’t possess some of the finest film directors in the world, and Yeon Sang-Ho brings his A-game to revitalize an appropriately undead genre. Great cast, intense and creative set-pieces, and a nicely emotional focus on character. I’m not Korean, so I’m not sure if there’s any satire or message involved (the film does seem like a pretty accurate depiction of South Korea when StarCraft II servers go down). Somewhat dragged down by iffy CGI and the hair-pulling stupidity and dickheadedness of main human antagonist, who makes “The Walking Dead” Season 2-era Shane seem like a rational and believable fellow.
26. Fences – Little more than a filmed play, but a well-filmed one bolstered by good writing and knockout performances from Denzel Washington and Viola Davis. About 20 minutes too long.
25. Arrival - Canadian director Denis Villeneuve has been making quite the reputation for himself in recent years for his mature and well-crafted thrillers. While I find his movies just a touch overrated, I do admire a lot in them, from the technical craft to his ability to command strong performances out of all of his actors. This year’s “Arrival” continues that trend, marking his most mature film to date and one of the extremely rare mainstream hard science-fiction movies to come out these days. This is not a movie about laser battles and space explosions and sticking your tongue down the throats of hot human-looking alien babes (I’m excited for “Mass Effect: Andromeda”, alright?), but about communication.
Several banana-shaped alien spacecraft touch down at random points around the earth without any apparent motive or pattern, and countries around the globe bring experts together to try and communicate with them. The plot centers around linguistics professor Amy Adams, who is brought in by the military along with a physicist played by Jeremy Renner to head into the alien craft in America to try and set up communications with the aliens. It’s a neat perspective to see one of these alien contact movies from someone trying to understand them rather than fight them, and Amy Adams turns in another strong performance as a woman who is experiencing a personal crisis while being at the very center of a worldwide phenomenon. The rest of the cast is good too, but this is her movie to command, and she does so with ease.
While Villeneuve no longer has Roger Deakins as director of photography to rely on, he and his new DP Bradford Young make this a very strikingly beautiful movie, filled with bleak subdued colors but with an astonishing sense of scale. The scene where Amy Adams enters the alien craft for the first time is outstanding, with the camera work, lighting, and environment doing a genuinely amazing job conveying how…well, alien the ship feels. I also like the design of the aliens themselves (a sort-of cross between the facehuggers from “Alien” and the Reapers from “Mass Effect”), a refreshing change from the humanoid aliens you typically see in sci-fi.
The plot is surprisingly brainy, primarily concerned with the process of establishing of communication and later a very different perception of time and choice from how we typically perceive them. It’s not too difficult to wrap your head around this stuff, but you do have to pay attention, because this isn’t a movie that dumbs itself down or holds your hand.
As much as I admire and enjoyed the movie, I do have a criticism, and it’s that the whole thing feels…cold. I don’t just mean the color palette or the really strong air conditioning in the theater where I watched it. I mean emotionally cold. I’ve heard a lot of people praise how emotional the film is, but it didn’t really affect me all that much. Even the scenes with Amy Adams and her daughter, no matter how Malick-y they’re shot, felt mostly like salad dressing to try and make the audience connect with the main character. Even when you (no-spoiler) find out the plot significance of these scenes, I liked it much more on an intellectual level than on a gut-level. Also, and this part is hard to explain without spoilers, but there’s a love story that’s pretty crucial to the theoretical concepts later in the film that feels comically underdeveloped, like we’re supposed to believe these people fall in love despite working with each other for a few days and rarely talking about anything other than work (and because they’re attractive movie stars, of course). Plus, there are quite a few annoyingly clichéd characters, like the fear-mongering radio talk show host, the weary and no-nonsense military man, and a Chinese officer named General Shang who apparently rules the entire country of China without answering to anybody.
Despite these niggles, I still liked “Arrival” a lot. It attempts (and in my mind strongly succeeds) to present a realistic scenario of what alien contact would be like in today’s political and cultural climate, and again, it’s really refreshing to see a science-fiction film where science, communication and peace are used for conflict resolution as opposed to violence. It’s really ambitious on both a thematic level and a technical one (the special effects in this movie are some of the most seamless and believable I’ve ever seen), and even the problems I have with the writing don’t distract from Denis Villeneuve’s directorial talent. Here’s hoping he doesn’t screw up the new “Blade Runner”.
24. Shin Godzilla – Lacks the awe-inspiring visuals and sense of scale of Gareth Edwards’ “Godzilla” (which I forgive because this had like 1/10th the budget), but makes up for it with a richer story and sense of humanity. Whereas that film is about our powerlessness at the hands of giant monsters, this one is more about working together to overcome it. What begins as a bureaucratic farce eventually gives way to the Japanese government putting aside any squabbles and politics to focus on saving the lives of its citizens from a giant, rampaging lizard. It’s kind of inspiring to see a movie like this where a government tries to prevent destruction instead of causing it (with a not-so-subtle pisstake of the Americans, whose contribution to the efforts amounts to little more than bombing and almost nuking Tokyo). Plus, Godzilla himself is awesome here, looking and acting like a genuine monster, and pulled off with a nice mix of practical and digital effects (other than his initial form where he looks like a retarded CGI iguana with googly eyes). Kickass soundtrack, as well.
23. War on Everyone – “I’ve always wondered; if you hit a mime (with a car), does he make a sound?” Michael Peña’s character wonders out loud at the start of the movie, right before he and his partner (and driver) find out. Within one minute of the movie, you already know if it’s for you or not. “War on Everyone” is about two cops (Peña and Alexander Skarsgård) who are as corrupt as they come. They regularly blackmail and beat up suspects, take bribes, and drink on the job. They never really try to justify this behavior. Their attitude can be best summed up by a line Skarsgård says before getting into the driver’s seat of a car while piss-drunk; “Let’s go fuck some scumbags.” There’s some plot about their investigation into a robbery/murder orchestrated by the guy from those shitty “Divergent” movies who looks like discount-Toby Kebbell, but the plot feels like an afterthought. It’s more so about the two characters and their antics and their musings on life, greatly enlivened by the excellent performances and chemistry of the two leads, as well as the cracking, pitch-black funny script from writer/director John Michael McDonagh (who also made the fantastic Irish gems “Calvary” and “The Guard”). This feels like if McDonagh made a Shane Black film. It’s not a powerful meditation on faith and morality like “Calvary” and it’s not a great character-study like “The Guard”, but “War on Everyone” shows that even a lower-tier McDonagh film is still as hilarious and biting as they come, and it even comes with a bit of heart and soul. Still, definitely not recommended to the easily-offended. It feels kind of pointless, but I could listen to McDonagh characters talk shit to each other all day.
22. 10 Cloverfield Lane - I will try to be as spoiler-free as possible in this review. Honestly, if you STILL haven’t seen it and want to, just go watch it and know that it definitely comes recommended.
I’ll admit it; even though I wasn’t a huge fan of the shaky-cam monster-athon that was “Cloverfield”, the mysterious and vague trailer for “10 Cloverfield Lane” got me properly hyped up as I tried to figure out the connection between the two movies. In an unusual twist, most of the movie is only tangentially a work of science-fiction. The plot is about a young woman named Michelle who runs away from home as some vague disaster occurs. She’s knocked out, and wakes up in an underground survival shelter run by a paranoid survivalist named Howard, along with a young guy named Emmett. Howard says that there has been a massive attack, but Michelle is skeptical and is unsure if Howard is trustworthy or crazy.
The bulk of the film is in the bunker, as the trio try to cope with the various realities of living in a survival shelter, including each other. This entire section is excellent. Deftly alternating between lighthearted bonding, uncomfortable comedy, and pressure-cooker intensity, debut director Dan Trachtenberg shows he is an expert when it comes to tone, pacing, and atmosphere, further enlivened by Bear McCreary’s terrific score. Even better is the main trio of actors, all of whom play off of each other well and really flesh out their characters. The guy who plays Emmett displays a dopey likability that suits the character well, while Mary Elizabeth Winstead makes Michelle much more intelligent, tough and compelling than your average "horror" protagonist (I use that term broadly). Powerfully commanding the whole movie is John Goodman, who easily makes Howard sympathetic at times and genuinely terrifying at others. This is a brilliantly batshit performance by one of our very best character actors, and even if the rest of the production wasn’t up to par (which it definitely is), he alone would make this film worth watching.
The reason this movie isn’t higher on my list is because of the last 10-or-so minutes. Without going into detail (and the trailer gives this away anyway), Michelle leaves the bunker by the end. It’s like the entire film gets wrapped up and ends satisfyingly, but then it goes on for another 10 minutes that feels like a completely different movie with a whiplash-inducing change in tone. It’s all still skillfully made and well-acted, but the effect just feels bizarre if you’re watching it for the first time. At first I thought the sequence was there to connect it to the first “Cloverfield” and make it a semi-sequel, but it’s too vague for me to buy it.
Maybe it is all some continuous “Cloverfield” universe, or better yet, it’s an anthology film series in the vain of “The Twilight Zone” or “Black Mirror”, one where talented up-and-coming directors make unique sci-fi thrillers. If that’s the case, it’s best not to read too much into the ending, and to just try and accept the movie as a standalone despite the jarring tonal shift at the end. One thing I actually quite liked about the ending is that it satisfyingly concludes Michelle’s character arc, making her a surprisingly well-developed protagonist that has actually grown by the end. Maybe if I watch this again (and I do plan to), I’ll like it more and probably give it a higher spot on the list, but even on a first impression, “10 Cloverfield Lane” is an engaging and balls-tighteningly tense thriller with a top-notch cast and production working at the top of their game. John Goodman is so good, man.
21. London Has Fallen – Holy hell, where do I even begin? Rare is the movie where I honestly cannot tell if it’s trying to be a comedy or not. It has a serious post-9/11 depiction of terrorism, but it treats all the bad guys like cannon fodder to be disposed of in spectacular ways. It has some lines about the consequences of U.S. foreign policy in the Middle East, but these lines are throwaway at best and never brought up again. It tries to somewhat humanize its villains, but it also has Gerard Butler executing a wheel-chair bound terrorist before going on a tirade about how they’ll never win and that America will still be standing in a thousand years (not sure if the Third Reich comparison is intentional).
The action scenes are competently shot/staged, if unremarkable (despite a fun CGI-assisted long-take shootout). The script feels like it was either written in a weekend or improvised on the spot by Butler and company. In fact, I feel like this wasn’t originally written as a sequel to “Olympus Has Fallen”. None of the previous movie’s events are referenced, and all the recurring cast members (save for Butler and Aaron Eckhart) feel like glorified crowbarred-in cameos. It’s absurd to have a White House cabinet of Oscar winners/nominees and give them all a collective 5 minutes of screen-time. I’m pretty sure Oscar-winner Melissa Leo doesn’t even have any lines. I’m sure the paycheck was nice, at least. The first 15 minutes or so are fairly boring, even if things pick up considerably afterwards.
The one indisputable quality this movie has is Gerard Butler. Butler gives a genuinely jaw-dropping performance as bloodthirsty and very likely insane Secret Service agent Mike Banning (our hero, naturally). Mike Banning is the type of guy who reacts to getting shot in the shoulder and the birth of his child with roughly the same facial expression. Mike Banning is the type of guy who despite being very proficient with and usually having convenient access to firearms, frequently elects to brutally stab the bad guys numerous times with a combat knife. (“Was that really necessary?” President Aaron Eckhart asks after Banning slowly stabs a terrorist in the ribs to death while making his brother listen via walkie-talkie. “No”, Banning bluntly admits.) Even from the peaceful initial scenes of him accompanying the President on a jog or talking to his wife, you can tell something is very off about him. We as the audience are of course expecting/awaiting shit to hit the fan, but Butler is nearly trembling with anticipation to start murdering terrorists during these scenes. Butler makes almost every bit of dialogue sound like a badass one-liner, on one occasion offering the President a glass of water while saying “I don’t know about you, but I’m thirsty as fuck”, spewing the word “fuck” out of the side of his mouth like a shotgun blast. Even on the off-chance that the movie isn’t taking the piss, Butler most definitely is. I’m not being ironic when I say that this is one of the great comic performances of our time, and the success of the movie (for me) is due to the movie being centered around Butler and his hilariously absurd machoism.
The director of this movie is an Iranian who escaped his war-torn home to Sweden as a boy. This, coupled with Butler’s performance, Butler and Eckhart’s borderline-homoerotic bromance, the ridiculous one-liners and speeches, and an indefensibly heroic portrayal of drone-warfare, makes me feel like “London Has Fallen” is really one big satire of U.S. foreign policy subtly disguised as a stupid, offensive action movie, something conservative idiots will applaud, liberal idiots will condemn, and fun, smart, attractive people will appreciate and enjoy for what it is. I saw this and “Gods of Egypt” with a few friends as a sort of once-in-a-lifetime Gerard Butler double-feature, and I had a grand time.
I felt like I could smell this movie, and I like that. Watching “London Has Fallen” is like sex; You wouldn’t want someone walking in on you during, and you’ll probably want to take a shower afterwards, but once you get past the initial foreplay, it’s a great time from start to raucous, bloody finish.
Wow, that metaphor got gross in a hurry.
20. The Witch – I put off watching “The Witch” because every time in the past few years that people heralded the newest “great, modern horror film” (It Follows, The Babadook, etc.), I found them to be massively overrated and even a bit disappointing, even despite their good qualities. After finally seeing it, I can safely say that it’s definitely one of the best horror films in years (which isn’t saying much, but still).
The story is of an early 17th century Puritan family who get exiled from their village and set up a farm in an isolated area near the woods. Strange supernatural things start happening to them, and the movie becomes the gradual degradation of their mental states, as they start to blame and fight amongst each other, not unlike my beloved “The Thing”.
This is a very atmospheric, slow-burning kind of horror. The emphasis is on creeping dread rather than murdering attractive 20-something teenagers. For a first-time filmmaker, director Robert Eggers shows an excellent grasp of pacing, tone, and visual storytelling. Once you get used to the historical Ye Olde English manner in which the characters speak (subtitles are recommended), the writing is surprisingly quite good, with well-defined characters with clear conflicts and motivations. The acting ensemble is terrific. The whole movie is pretty much just two parents, a teenage daughter, an adolescent boy, and two young children, and they are all fantastic. Seriously, as someone who despises children (both in real life and in film), this is some of the best child-acting I’ve ever seen.
My problem with the movie is that (and this is kind of a spoiler, but it happens early in the film) I was hoping that it wouldn’t be clear whether or not the supernatural stuff is actually happening, or if the family is just losing their minds because of some clever metaphor or allegory. But no, it’s revealed pretty early on that it is actually supernatural stuff, which takes away some of the surprise and the suspense. The music is the kind of discordant “unnerving” string-heavy stuff you’d expect in a horror movie, and I often felt that silence would be much more effective during the scenes it’s used in. Also, without giving away anything, the ending is pretty silly. It wraps up the story and the character arc of the lead character (the teenage daughter), but the manner in which it does it felt kind of over-the-top. You know what, though? I honestly thought we would get some shitty, cop-out, cut-to-black ending 5 minutes earlier, so it’s not that big of a deal. I’ll take a retarded ending over a non-ending any day of the week.
“The Witch” is a horror movie for those who don’t like horror movies, and one that treats its audience with intelligence and respect, and (the last few minutes notwithstanding) is actually satisfying and builds well to its climax. As someone who doesn’t care much for horror movies, I would say that “The Witch” lives up to the hype, and is well-worth checking out. Also, best (and surprisingly similar) use of a goat since Sam Raimi’s “Drag Me to Hell”.
19. Nocturnal Animals – A problem a lot of movies have for me in particular is when they’re tonally or stylistically inconsistent, feeling like two separate movies at odds with each other. Tom Ford’s “Nocturnal Animals” is a rare example of a movie with strikingly different stories complementing each other and actually improving the end product. The film is about a LA art exhibitor played by Amy Adams, who has an unhappy personal life despite her successful professional life. One day, her long-estranged ex-husband sends her a copy of his upcoming novel, a violent thriller about a family man terrorized by hillbillies in West Texas. The movie cuts between the novel’s story, Adams’ current life, and her past relationship with the ex-husband.
Tom Ford showed with his debut “A Serious Man” that he was great at filming and telling a story about people in rich houses being sad, as he does here, but also displays an uncanny talent at filming a gritty desert-set revenge tale. The parallels between the real life story and the novel are very finely drawn, and while I found the novel sections much more gripping than the Amy Adams story, the seemingly-disparate styles and tones never clash and instead fit really well with each other, creating a movie that is more than the sum of its parts. For a fashion designer, it’s surprising how good of a writer and director Tom Ford is, and he shows that “A Single Man” wasn’t just beginner’s luck.
Also helping the movie is the fantastic cast. Jake Gyllenhaal gives one of his best performances as both the ex-husband and the protagonist of the novel story, and Amy Adams shows incredible nuance and subtlety, reminding us why she is one of the best actresses working today. Michael Shannon steals the show for me (yes, I love him and I’m biased, shut up) as a shady detective in the novel’s story. All the supporting players are great as well, even if their roles aren’t as meaty.
My main complaints are that the dialogue is sometimes silly, some of the supporting characters are pretty one-dimensional and cartoonish (Amy Adam’s current-day husband played by Armie Hammer is a distant businessman who has to go away to New York to “make that very important sale”), and that the editing is a little wonky and overdone at some minor points. I initially had mixed-feelings about the ending, feeling that it was a bit anticlimactic and expected more to happen, but after thinking about it and how it ties to the movie’s themes and character relationships, I like it a lot more in retrospect. Unlike the movie, I can’t think of a good way to wrap this review up, but I’ll say that “Nocturnal Animals” is engaging, unique, and worth checking out, so let’s move on.
18. The Wailing – Its imposing length and frustrating lack of resolution/clarity can be hard to overcome for some people, but this South Korean supernatural horror flick is (in terms of acting, writing, directing, pacing, editing, themes, and just plain scariness and dread) the best and most effective horror film in quite a while. Like a bloodier and more emotionally tormenting version of “The Witch”.
17. La La Land – Before some of you call for my beheading for placing “La La Land” this “low” on my list, let me begin by saying that I still enjoyed the damn thing. From a purely technical perspective, “La La Land” is hands-down one of the best films of the year. Damien Chazelle’s immaculate direction perfectly captures the nostalgic sense one gets from watching old Hollywood musicals. This, coupled with terrific musical numbers and game actors makes “La La Land” an easy movie to enjoy. The story, however, is where the movie is a bit shaky.
The plot is about a down-on-their-luck aspiring actress and jazz pianist who fall in love while pursuing their dreams, and struggle to deal with the reality of keeping their relationship together while their paths go in different directions. The movie goes for a contrast between a magical, cheery Hollywood musical and a more grounded, dramatic approach, but for most of the movie it doesn’t quite gel as well as one would hope. I loved the first half of the movie, where it’s an extravagant musical about aspiring artists, but halfway through, it kind of jarringly becomes a relationship drama, with hardly any musical numbers, and this part seriously drags. It’s only near the end where Emma Stone sings her big “Give me an Oscar, goddammit” number that I even remembered this movie was supposed to be a musical. It’s like the movie takes two different approaches to its material, whereas one middle-ground approach (keep the big musical bits throughout but make them gradually more dramatic) would have made the movie a lot better, in my opinion. It doesn’t help that the two lead characters just aren’t very interesting. Don’t get me wrong; Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling try their damnedest here, but it feels more like two likable actors playing parts instead of real people with flaws and humanity, a feeling exacerbated by them not even having that good a chemistry.
If you can put up with an uneven viewing experience long enough, the film rewards you with one of the best endings I’ve seen in years, one where the themes, motivations, and songs are meshed together in a perfectly bittersweet sequence that actually makes up for a lot of the film’s flaws, and the one point in the film where the aforementioned contrast between fantasy and reality is perfectly in sync with the filmmaking style. It’s here where it stops being a movie about struggling artists and becomes something grander; a film about following your dreams but realizing that life never really works out the way you intend. This and the opening single-take number are ones for the ages, and make the film worth watching all by themselves. To put it in a one-sentence review, “La La Land” is still a case of a movie musical being really good in the first half but fizzling out in the second (something which happened in every one I’ve ever seen besides the “South Park” movie), but at least it recovers well enough to leave a positive impression.
16. The Shallows – I’m as surprised as you that this “hot-girl-gets-attacked-by-shark” film is this high up on my list, but here we are. Blake Lively plays said hot girl, a medical student who travels to an isolated beach in Mexico as a sort of spiritual journey/tribute to her deceased mother, and before long gets shark’d and stranded a few hundred feet from shore on some rocks during low-tide. I thought this would be the sort of cheeky, “Piranha 3D”-esque exploitation flick, but “The Shallows” actually has enough confidence to take itself fairly seriously. The main character has intelligence and some depth and even an arc (as obvious as it may be), and she’s buoyed by Lively’s terrific and believable performance. The shark is intimidating and scary, even when it’s not onscreen. The film has a good sense of progression, gradually escalating the threat level before arriving at the admittedly over-the-top but highly entertaining finale. It has a scene of the main character performing surgery on herself, which for some morbid reason I’ve always enjoyed seeing in movies and shows. And to top it all off, there’s a seagull that befriends the main character as she’s stranded, played by an actual trained seagull whose reactions (and lack thereof) are hilarious and his role in the plot surprisingly affecting. This seems like a stupid thing to harp on about, but if there was an Oscar for Best Performance by an Animal, Sully the Seagull’s performance as Steven Seagull would easily take home the prize.
There are a few issues, like how the main character tends to speak too much to herself (i.e. the audience) about her situation, and while I didn’t hate the very end of the movie, I do wish the film had ended a minute or two earlier right when it had a perfect moment to do so, instead of going on with an epilogue. However, given the expectations I had going in, director Jaume Collet-Serra uses Blake Lively’s good looks and strong acting ability, the beautiful camerawork and setting, his storytelling skills, and an adorable seagull to blow those expectations completely out of the water (har-har).
15. The Handmaiden – Gorgeously filmed, lurid, and thoroughly entertaining Korean erotic thriller with strong performances, writing, and a wonderfully dark sense of humor (an attempted hanging scene yielded one of the year’s biggest laughs for me). Strikes a good balance between artful grace and trashy pulp.
14. Silence – Of the 2016 films in which an accented and deeply religious Andrew Garfield has his faith tested by horrific violence committed by the Japanese, I like “Hacksaw Ridge” more, but this is still a powerful and deeply personal look at faith from Martin Scorsese. A challenging movie, but rewarding if you put in the effort to understand it thematically. A bit overlong and repetitive in the middle portion (though this is probably intentional), and I feel like the movie would be better if Garfield and Adam Driver switched roles, but from the moment Liam Neeson comes back into the movie, it’s outstanding to the end.
13. The Dressmaker – In the early ‘50s, a bus rolls into a tiny, rural Australian town that looks like something out of a Western. Out steps Kate Winslet, accompanied by a Morricone-esque guitar and violin, immaculately dressed and carrying a sewing machine in her case, who proceeds to light up a cigarette and say “I’m back, you bastards.”
Two minutes in and you already know you’re in for a fun movie. Winslet plays a dressmaker who returns to her hometown after being banished as a child to care for her cantankerous mother (Judy Davis), and before long, dredges up a lot of bad blood among the townsfolk that hurt and humiliated her years ago. To say any more would be to spoil the wonderful weirdness that emanates from this film. “The Dressmaker” blends family melodrama, Western, comedy that ranges from the dark to the surreal to the slapstick, campiness, tragedy, romance, and revenge. It’s a mess, sure, but it struts along with such confidence in itself and its source material that all these seemingly disparate elements miraculously work together, for the most part. It helps that Winslet and Davis are so excellent that they deftly maneuver through all these tones and keep you engaged in what’s happening. It’s tough to say what kind of person I’d recommend this to, but I’ll say this; If you’ve always wanted an Australian Western version of “Twin Peaks” where the protagonist is a female couturier instead of a male gunslinger, then “The Dressmaker” will quench that extremely particular thirst.
A note on why I consider Kate Winslet to be one the best actors in the business: SHE IS A FOREIGN ACTOR THAT NAILS A PERFECT AUSTRALIAN ACCENT.
12. 20th Century Women – Mike Mills somewhat tones down the quirkiness from “Beginners”, but still delivers a personal, heartfelt, and funny portrayal of humanity, here subverting the typical coming-of-age story of his teenage boy self-insert protagonist by focusing the film on the women in his life and how their feminist strength and independence help shape him as he grows up. Fantastic performances from Annette Bening and Greta “Love of my Life” Gerwig.
11. Moana – Beautiful visuals, wonderful music, top-notch voice acting, and a compelling and even touching story. I was pleasantly surprised by how long the movie took to set up the characters and their relationships and individual personalities before diving into the adventure. Even the stuff I normally find annoying in Disney movies (needless action scenes, cute animal sidekicks, hip modern references) are toned down here. Maui (voiced by The Rock, who has more charisma than the ocean has water, and a nice singing voice to boot) is extremely entertaining, but Moana is surprisingly a compelling character herself, someone who has aspirations and flaws and a sense of agency, as opposed to the usual dull Disney heroines who unwillingly fall into their fate before falling in love with Prince Flawless McGeneric. Great, empowering message (especially for young girls) about forging your own path in life. A million bonus points for not giving Moana a forced love interest. Another million points for Jemaine Clement as a giant, singing crab. Best animated film of 2016 by a wide margin. Disney’s best non-Pixar movie since “Lilo & Stitch”. Probably my favorite Disney Princess movie. I don’t care what anyone says; “Moana” was fucking lit.
10. Eddie the Eagle – One thing I’ve noticed about myself lately is how sick I am of “irony”. Not in the dramatic sense, but in the “replacing sincerity and any genuine feeling with some detached sense of humor” sense. I think it was the inexplicable but somehow expected rise in popularity of a meme involving a dead gorilla that did it for me. But my point is, lately I’ve been finding myself watching movies otherwise labeled as “corny” or “cheesy” by jaded, cynical and emotionally detached people, who do so just because said movies believe in their own stories without shame or self-referential humor. Well, fuck those people. They can rot in hell along with their precious gorilla.
“Eddie the Eagle” is about Michael “Eddie” Edwards, a British skier who despite having very little experience and natural talent managed through sheer determination and willpower to accomplish his dream of competing in the 1988 Winter Olympics. Eddie comes from a working class family with a loving, supportive mother and a stern, disapproving father. Despite being a talented skier, he is rejected by Olympic board members due to his uncouth and dopey nature. He realizes that he still has a chance of making it onto the Olympic team as a ski-jumper, since the British have not competed in the sport in several decades, so he runs away to Europe to start training, where he meets an alcoholic former ski-jumper-turned-snow-groomer that helps him train.
This film has pretty much every inspirational sports cliché imaginable, from the plucky loser underdog, to the grumpy mentor, to the uplifting synthesizer music, to the late moments where the protagonist is at his lowest point and wants to give up, and so on. In many cases these would be negatives. However, the movie embraces these clichés instead of trying to shy away from them, and in doing so it feels so sincere and full of heart that it actually works. You acknowledge the unoriginality, but you find yourself rooting for Eddie to succeed so much that you just don’t care. Dexter Fletcher’s direction is spirited and full of energy, the aforementioned synth music by Matthew Margeson is wonderful, and the two lead performances by Taron Egerton as Eddie and Hugh Jackman as his mentor are excellent. The movie isn’t all that historically accurate. The real Eddie Edwards himself said that “only about 5%” of the film is true, and even the tagline is “Inspired by a dream come true”, rather than “Based on a true story”. But as a Huffington Post critic said, “You can't believe most of it, but you can believe in it. That's a subtle but important difference.”
But do you want to know why this movie is so high up on my list? So many movies over the years have been praised as “emotional” and “tear-jerking” and to me ended up feeling manipulative and artificial (*cough*Room*cough*). “Eddie the Eagle”, however, with all its sincerity and heart and feel-good splendor, touched me so much that I actually cried at the end. I can count the movies that made me genuinely cry on one hand, and this is the only one that has ever made me cry tears of joy instead of sadness. If the ending scene at the airport doesn’t melt your heart, then congratulations on not having one.
9. Hunt for the Wilderpeople - Due to my continual disappointment in my usual preferred genres of film in 2016, I started to branch out a bit and check out films I otherwise normally wouldn’t, one of which is New Zealand coming-of-age comedy drama “Hunt for the Wilderpeople”. The plot is about a young juvenile delinquent boy and his grumpy foster father who, due to odd circumstances, find themselves hunted by the law and escape to “the bush”, the vast New Zealand forests. We follow them as the two survive, get into various misadventures, and face off with an obsessed child services worker. To reveal any more would be to spoil this wonderful movie. Suffice it to say I enjoyed the hell out of it. Rarely do you encounter a movie that does adventure, buddy comedy, or tragic drama this well, let alone one that does all three, while at the same time showing interesting aspects of Kiwi culture and the beautiful landscape without feeling like a travelogue. The boy (Julian Dennison) starts off as annoying, but this is intentional rather than the fault of bad acting, and he not only grows on you but also shows a good deal of comic timing and emotional range. Sam Neill as the grumpy foster dad gives a career-best performance, showing the kind of depth I didn’t expect from someone who I think I’ve only ever seen in the “Jurassic Park” movies. Honestly, I recommend this film to pretty much anyone (that has access to subtitles). It’s funny, touching, creative, and lovely to look at. Between this and “What We Do in the Shadows”, writer/director Taika Waititi has given me just the slightest bit of hope that “Thor: Ragnarok” will actually be good.
8. Paterson – Wonderfully understated, warm, and compassionate ode to the passion and creativity found in everyday life, making even the smallest mundanities feel profound and moving. No story arc or big dramatic moments to speak of; just the story of a quiet but observant bus driver/poet and his seemingly unremarkable but, well, poetic life. The relationship between Adam Driver and his wife (Golshifteh Farahani) is one of the most beautiful I’ve ever seen in a movie. Also; casting Adam Driver as a bus driver? Bravo, Jim Jarmusch.
7. The Nice Guys – I can’t believe I used to not care for Ryan Gosling. Granted, for the longest time the only movie I’d seen him in was “Drive”, and it’s hard to take someone seriously as an actor when all the role asks of someone is to stare silently for uncomfortably long periods and occasionally hit people. But nonetheless, in recent years the guy has done phenomenal work and completely won me over as an actor, culminating in Shane Black’s “The Nice Guys”, where he gives his best performance to date. He is shockingly funny and provides not only a lot of the laughs in this movie, but also a good deal of its heart. He’s gotten a lot of awards attention for his role in “La La Land”, but to me this is the highlight of his career so far.
Gosling plays an alcoholic, bumbling private detective and single father who teams up with the low-rent enforcer who broke his arm (Russell Crowe) to crack a major conspiracy involving a missing girl and a dead porn star. Tagging along for much of the mystery is Gosling’s teenage daughter, played by Angourie Rice in one of the best child performances I’ve ever seen in a movie (damning with faint praise, but still, give her credit), easily holding her own in scenes with Gosling and Crowe, despite a few awkward line deliveries. The three leads are great and have excellent chemistry with each other and with the strong supporting cast, helped along by Black’s hilarious dialogue, irreverent sense of humor, and his continuing growth as a director. I already harped on this in previous reviews, but it’s really refreshing to see a comedy that actually sets its jokes up before giving them a good payoff, especially one where some setups aren’t initially obvious (a seemingly throwaway story about Richard Nixon ended up giving me one of the biggest laughs of the year later on).
There’s kind of a lack of urgency to the mystery that makes the pacing a bit lethargic. I didn’t mind it much because the characters are so likable that you don’t mind spending time with them, but it’s worth mentioning. While there’s some character conflict and growth, I wish it tied into the plot a bit more. The lack of a clear antagonist for the first half of the movie also hurts. There are a lot of jokes and visual gags, and while most work, a few do fall flat. I feel like an extra rewrite and some tighter editing could fix most of these problems, and none of them are by any means a deal-breaker.
It feels weird to call this film “original”, since it’s more or less the same film Shane Black’s been making for the past 30 years, but in an increasingly bland world of mainstream filmmaking, it’s so refreshing to see a unique voice like Black do his own thing with a great cast and a solid budget. It’s a damn shame that a film which should’ve led to some sequels instead just barely made its’ production budget back. Put it another way; if you complain about a lack of originality in Hollywood but still paid money to see the latest superhero flick instead of “The Nice Guys”, please dip your head into a bucket of wet cement until the bubbles stop.
6. Hacksaw Ridge – I’m willing to go on record and say that “Hacksaw Ridge” is probably the most violent movie I’ve ever seen (at least the most violent since the last Mel Gibson movie). Considering this, only Mad Mel can make such an insanely violent film while also telling a moving story about one man’s faith and adherence to pacifism. The story is about Desmond Doss, a conscientious objector and pacifist who wanted to serve his country as a combat medic, and whose extraordinary rescue of over 70 soldiers during the Battle of Okinawa became the stuff of legend and earned him a Medal of Honor.
The movie has kind of a typical biopic structure, showing his early years as a troublesome lad who finds meaning in life with Christianity, to his young adult days where he tries to romance his impossibly attractive later-wife, before moving to the boot camp scenes where he’s persecuted by others for his refusal to pick up a gun, and finally to the war scenes. The transition between corny but solid, old-fashioned melodrama (or MEL-odrama) and the incredible, surreal, horrific war stuff may sound jarring, but in a very smart move, Gibson opens the film with a slow-motion montage of combat with a narration from Doss. This seems kind of clichéd, but it sets your mind up to expect the stuff you’ll see later, while at the same time taking away none of the impact.
Contrary to what some may think about the film and of Gibson going in, it’s not one of those shitty “Christians are good, others suck” films that do remarkably well in the southern states. The subject of the film is deeply religious and the film has its fair share of unsubtle Christ-like imagery, sure, but not only does it not beat you over the head with it, it even feels earned after seeing what Doss is put through. Plus, if anything, it’s less about the strength of faith and more about sticking to your convictions even when the whole world tests you. Plus, it’s refreshing for a war movie to heroically portray a man who saved lives instead of taking them.
Despite being away from the director’s chair for a decade, Gibson has lost none of his storytelling prowess or his penchant for striking imagery. The period and technical detail is fantastic (during one scene where you see through the scope of a Japanese sniper rifle, the film even got the scope right). Despite having to fill the late, great James Horner’s (who couldn’t do the film due to his unfortunate death in 2015) shoes, Rupert Gregson-Williams surprisingly turns in one of the strongest musical scores of the year. The mostly-Australian cast is excellent, with Andrew Garfield giving a career-best performance as Doss (at this point, I forgive him for “The Amazing Spiderman 2”), as well as strong supporting turns from Vince Vaughn as the funny/tough drill sergeant, and especially from Hugo Weaving as Doss’s PTSD-ridden WWI veteran father. Weaving genuinely looks like a man who died in the trenches in France but whose body still returned home, turning to booze and anger to make him forget the trauma he experienced.
I would say that Hacksaw Ridge has all the makings of a great film but is slightly held back by some story choices. The film kind of ends shortly after Doss’s heroic exploits with some standard biopic text and interviews from his real-life former comrades. It’s fine, but I think it would have had more impact to first show Doss returning home and reuniting with his wife and family, considering how prominent the theme of family was in the film. Also, there is one scene late in the movie involving Japanese officers, which I won’t spoil, but it feels forced and EXTREMELY unnecessary (I guess Gibson just has a thing for beheadings).
Still, considering how good this film is overall and how well it’s being received, I’m happy to report that Mel Gibson is no longer persona non-grata in Hollywood, and that I absolutely look forward to whatever he’s making next. Welcome back, Mel. We missed you.
Note: Something I thought of after watching “Hacksaw Ridge”; Mel Gibson could totally direct a “Mad Max” film.
5. Hell or High Water - On an early Texas morning, a two men rob a pair of branches of the Texas Midlands Bank. While not without a few hiccups, the robberies go smoothly. The two men are siblings; calm and smart divorced father Toby (Chris Pine), and his loose-cannon ex-con brother Tanner (Ben Foster). They are trying to raise enough money to save their family farm by paying off the foreclosing bank with its own stolen money, while being hunted down by Texas Rangers Marcus and Alberto (Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham), the former close to retirement. There are still a number of branches they need to rob in order to raise the needed amount. What ensues is one of the most mature and intelligent thrillers I’ve seen in a long time.
There is no black or white. Just two sides of the law. We understand both sides, and the motivation of each man. While the robbery scenes are thrilling and gritty, the movie actually shows a tremendous level of restraint. The pacing is deliberately slow, but the film is so well-made and well-written and so confident in itself that it never becomes boring, and it builds exceptionally well to its grip-you-by-the-balls climax. The movie spends a lot of time with the characters talking, with dialogue that feels both realistic and entertaining. The extremely underrated TV show "Justified" has instilled in me a joy in hearing Southern people talk shit to each other, and the movie doesn't let me down in that regard. The rural, neo-Western setting is wonderfully atmospheric and does a good job conveying how tough life can be in such a place (with a noteworthy supporting performance from Katy Mixon as a waitress who refuses to give back a large tip of stolen money to the Rangers).
Even though his character is pretty much a less alcoholic and more down-to-earth version of his Rooster Cogburn from the Coens’ “True Grit”, Bridges still impresses with a soulful and highly entertaining performance. Similarly, while Ben Foster feels a bit typecast as the “wild man” brother, he still knocks it out of the park with his confidence and screen presence. The biggest surprise is Chris Pine, tuning down his smirky charm and turning in his best performance to date as a man whose cool-headedness masks his desperation.
If I had to think of a flaw, it's that the film has a slightly-annoying over-reliance on licensed country songs in the first half of the movie...really, that's all I can think of. The slow pacing might be a turnoff for some people (some extremely thick people who very likely have ADHD and are virgins), but it pays off so well that I can't even consider it a problem for anyone with a three-digit IQ. If you are tired of action movies or thrillers being dumb, this is the movie for you. If you are tired of smart movies being dull, this is the movie for you. "Hell or High Water" is a diamond in the rough that is 2016, and deserves your attention.
4. Elle – I saw this movie solely because Paul Verhoeven directed a sizable portion of my childhood (Robocop, Total Recall, and Starship Troopers), and he has enough goodwill based on that alone that I’ll check out anything he makes. While his European films are noticeably different from his American action classics, one thing that hasn’t faltered is his skill as a director and unique voice in telling provocative stories. “Elle” certainly has one hell of an opening. A wealthy middle-aged woman named Michèle is attacked and raped in her home in France. After the intruder leaves, Michèle calmly collects herself, cleans herself and her home, and goes to work the next day as if nothing is wrong. The rest of the movie is about her conducting her own investigation into finding out who attacked her as we learn about her feelings and why she doesn’t notify the police, as well as her complicated relationships with her friends, neighbors and family.
I can definitely see a lot of people getting offended by this movie’s depiction of rape and its consequences on the main character, but considering how complex and unpredictable human beings can be, this is one of the most bracing, raw and honest depictions of the subject I’ve ever seen. Put it simply, this isn’t your typical rape-revenge film. The excellent writing and Verhoeven’s strong command of the material and his cast elevates it beyond what I thought possible. The characters are very well-defined, with all their own quirks and needs and insecurities, and despite how uncomfortable the film can be, it’s also surprisingly very funny in how it presents them and their relationships with each other, especially during a fantastic Christmas dinner scene where all the characters and their animosities come together. There is a lot of gossiping, resentment, passive-aggressiveness and cuckoldry on display (it’s a French movie, so no surprise there). The film is certainly lurid, but everything from the story and performances to the themes and subtext is done so well that you can’t stop watching. At no moment during its two-and-a-half-hour running time was I bored.
“Elle” is a film I wouldn’t recommend to everyone due to its’ length and subject matter, but thanks to the strong writing, Paul Verhoeven’s confident direction, and a stunning lead performance from Isabelle Huppert, this a bold, gripping, and surprisingly entertaining film that is absolutely worth going out of your way to see if you can stomach it. Plus, there’s a really cute cat.
With that out of the way; please come back to America and make another gory, over-the-top action film, Mr. Verhoeven. Hollywood needs you more than you need it.
3. Sing Street – An Irish lad from a broken home in 1985 Dublin gets transferred to a rough, inner-city school. Soon he meets a mysterious girl hanging around outside the school, and in an effort to impress her, asks her to be a model in a music video for his non-existent band.
What follows is a coming-of-age story about artistic expression and love where the boy gathers anyone that can play an instrument (including the funniest part of the movie where they try to recruit “probably the only black guy in Dublin”), starts making music and videos, and slowly starts bonding with the girl. It’s tough to make a movie set in 20th century Ireland feel optimistic, but writer/director John Carney deftly maneuvers between comedy and drama, makes the film simultaneously fantastic yet grounded, making the story of falling in love and following one’s dreams feel believable and easy to root for.
From the tagline “Boy meets girl. Girl unimpressed. Boy starts band”, you can probably guess the general progression of the plot. This, coupled with the fact that I don’t like coming-of-age stories, or musicals, or Irish people*, means that this film was facing an uphill battle from me. Imagine how goddamn good this film must be that it’s number 3 on my list this year. A cynic would say that it doesn’t face much competition from an unremarkable year for film like 2016, but “Sing Street” is a wonderful ode to the power of music and young love that would be great in any year, and I defy you to watch it without a smile on your face. Basically, if you possess a heart, a soul, a dream, a love for music, or a pulse, I cannot recommend “Sing Street” enough.
*kidding. I love you, you pale, swear-y, chip-shop bombing drunkards.
2. Star Trek Beyond – After a strong start to a reboot of the storied franchise with 2009’s “Star Trek”, the series took a nosedive with “Star Trek Into Darkness”, the woefully misguided attempt to make the series dark and gritty. Because of this and the new director being Justin Lin, a man who has made four (well, three and a cameo) films about Vin Diesel sleepily growling about family in between scenes of supercars performing Cirque du Soleil acts, I wasn’t all too excited for the new entry, even though it’d be written by talented comic actor and well-known nerd Simon Pegg. Who would have thought that Pegg and Lin would have been the ones that saved not only 2016 from being a shit year for blockbusters, but also the soul of the “Star Trek” franchise?
The plot is about Kirk and the Enterprise crew getting stranded on a remote world after being attacked by a mysterious warlord while investigating a missing ship. It’s a slick and self-contained adventure, making it feel like a long and big-budget episode of the series in the best possible way. I don’t want to imply that this is the “Star Trek” of yore. It’s still a big, over-the-top space action film. But it has something that the previous two films (especially Into Darkness) lacked; spirit. The spirit of discovery, of exploration, of optimism. That despite the dangers in the galaxy, any problem can be overcome as long as all the species work together. Most importantly, it has an emphasis on character, actually slowing down at times to let them breathe and talk and joke with each other (y’know, like they’re people or something, and not just plot-devices). There’s a wonderful little scene at the start where Kirk and Bones share a drink to toast Kirk’s deceased father, and the tributes to the gone-but-not-forgotten Leonard Nimoy and Anton Yelchin were beautifully done.
It’s remarkable how well Lin and Pegg capture this “Star Trek” spirit while still making an exciting, blockbuster action film. Lin brings his A-game to the action scenes, making them fun, creative, and natural as a story progression. You always understand why the action is happening, as opposed to a random fight being thrown in for its own sake. There’s a certain scene later in the film where a ship has to take on a swarm of smaller enemies with a familiar musical cue, and I cannot remember the last time I ever felt so much hype and childish glee in a movie scene.
I guess the villain is the same generic normal-guy-who-was-betrayed-and-wants revenge that the past two films had, but between the still-excellent cast (newcomer Sofia Boutella steals the show as an alien warrior/scavenger that Scotty meets), a strong soundtrack, awesome visuals, a fun story, involving action scenes, and that warm “Star Trek” feel to it, “Star Trek Beyond” feels like a jolt to the heart of a series that was in danger of becoming lost to soulless, studio-driven blockbuster territory. Assuming there’s more to this series of films, I cannot wait to see where the franchise boldly goes from here.
1. Free Fire – This is the most fun I’ve had in a theater since “Mad Max: Fury Road”. I wasn’t a huge fan of Ben Wheatley’s previous films, but among the material I didn’t really care for, I saw an undeniable talent in his work. Here, it’s like he used his powers to make a movie precisely for me.
The film is about an arms deal that takes place in a warehouse between two groups of criminals that quickly gets out of hand after shots are fired in the exchange. The remaining 70 minutes of this 90-minute long movie is basically one really long shootout as everyone picks sides, betray each other, and get increasingly wounded while rarely ceasing their shit-talking. Think “Reservoir Dogs” as a comedy of miscommunication. In an amazing feat of filmmaking, Wheatley makes sure that this lengthy shootout set mostly in one large room isn’t boring for a second. His smart, gradual escalation of events punctuated with a number of “holy shit” moments and set pieces, held together by excellent editing, keeps the film exciting and darkly funny throughout. In between the big moments, characters take pause to hurl expletives at each other and ponder their own situation as they desperately try to get out of it, adding up to people you care about and are interested in even if they’re all dicks. This is a brilliant example of how important pacing and characterization is to a film, especially to one with so little plot.
Also helping is the hilarious banter, delivered by a wonderful and colorful cast of characters played by a small but absolutely stellar cast. Everyone is great and play their characters perfectly, with a standout performance by Sharlto Copley as an unhinged, self-absorbed arms dealer who causes much of the conflict in the film. I knew I’d love him as soon as a character says “Vernon was misdiagnosed as a child genius and never got over it.” I also want to mention the sound design, which is some of the best in recent memory, with every bullet fired feeling like a loud jolt to one’s system. The writing is highly enjoyable on a superficial level, and even carries a bit of depth with the shootout being a clever allegory for human nature and just generally what happens when idiots own guns.
“Free Fire” is by far the best movie I saw this year, and when it gets a theatrical release, I implore you to go see it. The only complaints I can think of are that the ending is just alright, and after a certain point you start to wonder where some of the characters keep getting their ammo from. Time will tell if this film stands up to repeated viewings, but this was easily the funniest, craziest, and most entertaining film I’ve seen all year. Yes, my favorite movie of 2016 is a 2017 movie in which characters argue and shoot each other in a dirty warehouse for 90 minutes. Cinema isn’t dead yet.
The “30 and Still Living in Parents’ Basement” Award for Biggest Disappointment
Nominees:
· Jack Reacher: Never Go Back
· Jason Bourne
· Passengers
· Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
· Warcraft
Runner-up:
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
Winner:
Passengers
The “Clever Marketing” Award for Best Tagline
Nominees:
· Elvis & Nixon – “On December 21st, 1970, two of America's greatest recording artists met for the first time.”
· Free Fire – “All guns. No control.”
· London Has Fallen – “Prepare for bloody hell”
· The Dressmaker – “Revenge is back in fashion”
Runner-up:
The Dressmaker
Winner:
Elvis & Nixon
The “Postcore Avantwave” Award for Best Film Score
Nominees:
· Bear McCreary – 10 Cloverfield Lane
· Justin Hurwitz – La La Land
· Mark Mancina, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa'i - Moana
· Matthew Margeson – Eddie the Eagle
· Michael Giacchino – Star Trek Beyond
· Rupert Gregson-Williams – Hacksaw Ridge
· Shirō Sagisu – Shin Godzilla
Runner-up:
Mark Mancina, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa'i - Moana
Winner:
Bear McCreary – 10 Cloverfield Lane
The "I'm Glad We Decided to Keep It" Award for Best Child Performance
Nominees:
· Angourie Rice - The Nice Guys
· Auli'i Cravalho - Moana
· Ferdia Walsh-Peelo – Sing Street
· Harvey Scrimshaw - The Witch
· Julian Dennison - Hunt for the Wilderpeople
· Kim Su-an – Train to Busan
· Lucas Jade Zumann – 20th Century Women
Runner-up:
Julian Dennison - Hunt for the Wilderpeople
Winner:
Angourie Rice - The Nice Guys
The “If Only the Rest of the Movie Was This Good” Award for Best Scene
Nominees:
· Athens riot – Jason Bourne
· Beach drowning – Silence
· Captain America and Winter Soldier vs. Iron Man – Captain America: Civil War
· Car chase – Operation Avalanche
· Christmas dinner party – Elle
· Climactic robbery/shootout/getaway – Hell or High Water
· Desmond’s rescues – Hacksaw Ridge
· “Drive It Like You Stole It” – Sing Street
· Epilogue – La La Land
· Entering the ship – Arrival
· “How Far I’ll Go” – Moana
· Police station – Manchester by the Sea
· Sabotage – Star Trek Beyond
· The un-destruction of Hong Kong – Doctor Strange
· The 90-meter jump – Eddie the Eagle
· Quicksilver and the exploding mansion – X-Men: Apocalypse
· Warehouse rescue - Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Runner-up:
Police station – Manchester by the Sea
Winner:
Sabotage – Star Trek Beyond
The “Pig in Lipstick” Award for Prettiest Movie
Nominees:
· A Bigger Splash
· Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
· Doctor Strange
· Hail Caesar!
· Kubo and the Two Strings
· La La Land
· Moana
· The Handmaiden
· The Love Witch
Runner-up:
The Handmaiden
Winner:
Kubo and the Two Strings
The “Premium Meth” Award for Best Chemistry
Nominees:
· Adam Driver and Golshifteh Farahani - Paterson
· Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea
· Chris Pine and Ben Foster – Hell or High Water
· Gerard Butler and his knife – London Has Fallen
· Jeff Bridges and Gil Birmingham – Hell or High Water
· Michael Peña and Alexander Skarsgård – War on Everyone
· Ruth Negga and Joel Edgerton – Loving
· Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe – The Nice Guys
· Ryan Reynolds and Morena Baccarin – Deadpool
· Sacha Baron Cohen and Mark Strong – The Brothers Grimsby
Runner-up:
Michael Peña and Alexander Skarsgård – War on Everyone
Winner:
Casey Affleck and Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea
The “Healed Broken Bone” Award for Best Cast
Nominees:
· 20th Century Women
· Captain America: Civil War
· Everybody Wants Some!!
· Fences
· Free Fire
· Hail, Caesar!
· Love & Friendship
· Sing Street
· Star Trek Beyond
· The Magnificent Seven
Runner-up:
Sing Street
Winner:
Free Fire
The “Convincingly Faked Orgasm” Award for Best Performance
Honorable Mentions:
· Andrew Garfield – Hacksaw Ridge
· Ben Foster – Hell or High Water
· Blake Lively – The Shallows
· Chris Pine – Hell or High Water
· Emma Stone – La La Land
· Hugo Weaving – Hacksaw Ridge
· Joe Alwyn – Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk
· Joel Edgerton – Loving
· Judy Davis – The Dressmaker
· Kate Beckinsale – Love & Friendship
· Kate Winslet – The Dressmaker
· Kwak Do-won – The Wailing
· Mahershala Ali - Moonlight
· Ruth Negga – Loving
· Sam Neill – Hunt for the Wilderpeople
· Viggo Mortensen – Captain Fantastic
· Woody Harrelson – The Edge of Seventeen
Nominees:
· Adam Driver – Paterson
· Alden Ehrenreich – Hail, Caesar!
· Annette Bening – 20th Century Women
· Casey Affleck – Manchester by the Sea
· Denzel Washington – Fences
· Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen
· Greta Gerwig – 20th Century Women
· Isabelle Huppert - Elle
· Jeff Bridges – Hell or High Water
· John Goodman – 10 Cloverfield Lane
· Michael Shannon – Nocturnal Animals
· Michelle Williams – Manchester by the Sea
· Ralph Fiennes – A Bigger Splash
· Rebecca Hall – Christine
· Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys
· Ryan Reynolds – Deadpool
· Sharlto Copley – Free Fire
· Tom Bennett – Love & Friendship
· Viola Davis – Fences
Runner-up:
Gerard Butler – London Has Fallen
Winner:
Ryan Gosling – The Nice Guys
In regards to my final award:
The whole “Fuck 2016” thing has been done to death, albeit not undeservingly, so this’ll be my only word on the matter. A lot of us had a rough year, dealing with political strife, global conflict, environmental issues, personal problems, celebrity deaths, “Suicide Squad”, etc. Even in film, 2016 has felt like a bit of a downer, with many films I was looking forward to letting me down. However, there have been quite a few gems, especially in the latter half of the year, and a good number of these are off the beaten path, ones I actively searched for to find and ones I gave a shot even if they’re the type of thing I wouldn’t normally see.
My point is, we have to make an effort to get the good out of life. You can still find some gems while wading through a river of shit (which you’re going to wade through anyway), and I’m not just talking about movies. Try something you normally wouldn’t. Try to pick up a new hobby. Make some personal time for yourself, even if you’re swamped with work or school. Start exercising if you don’t already (hell, try yoga). Don’t just accept that life is shit; do something to make it less shit. Always strive to better yourself, because while there’s no such thing as perfection (unless you’re Michael Shannon), it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t reach for it.
The mere fact that you’re reading this means that you’re actively trying to de-pleb yourself, or maybe it’s because you love me or maybe I just make you laugh sometimes. In any case, thank you for reading this year-in-review. As it has been for the past two years, writing this was fun and therapeutic. I wish you all luck in seeking happiness (and good taste in film, like mine), and for those of you who have a bad day somewhere on that journey, film is always there for you, including the following films which can cheer one up even on the rainiest days.
The “Ancient Indian Burial Ground” Award for Film Most Likely to Raise Your Spirits
Nominees:
Eddie the Eagle
Sing Street
Hunt for the Wilderpeople
Everybody Wants Some!!
Moana
Runner-up:
Sing Street
Winner:
Eddie the Eagle
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