dan, susan and carl are not real. they are featureless limbless cartoon balls in a video game. it’s really really okay. i promise.

i wonder if dan’s partner jon, phil’s secret wife and child, sam the surfer, the person who that one phannie totally saw dan holding hands with in [insert location here] (and it wasn’t phil!!!??!¿1:&!!?!¡1/$!), the girl in prague, lucy hale, the tesco delivery guy, susan and susette and henry, that builder who looked like a popstar, and that klaus hargreeves looking dude phil did a collab with in 2019 all live with dnp in the phouse

it’s endlessly validating to me how much dan hates doing sponsorships. the pain in his eyes every time he has to do an ad read… that man hates capitalism so much 💕💞💓💗💖💘💝🩷

i never talk about dnp to anyone unless i’m sure they already know who they are because i know exactly what google image search results come up and i say this with complete confidence…

…if someone asked me if i knew who these two freaks were i’d say “i’ve never seen those men before in my life” with such convincing sincerity that i myself would end up believing i was telling the truth

“awww watching them drinking boba together was so 🥰🥹😍🤗” no stfu i’m so mad bc why would they make me watch them drink boba when i don’t have any. who would do something so despicable to a poor little homosexual like me. do they not care that i suffer at their hands?? i thought they loved lesbians?? must they really sit in the phouse that i help fund and sip on their boba while i sit here, boba-less and full of envy?? it’s like that bible verse that goes “thou shan’t drink boba in front of your army of lesbians unless you buy some for every single one of them as well you fucking whores” i think it was in the book of sappho or sommit

btw this is how i picture dnp in the phoffice every time they name a gaming video THE most annoying clickbait imaginable simply to fuck with is:

hey, sorry, i have to cancel tonight i’m not feeling well. no no i’m fine it isn’t covid. it’s just dan howell made an “editing tips” joke in 2024 and i’m gonna need 5-365 business days to process that. thank you i’ll try to get some rest but it’s unlikely. appreciate the well wishes. give my love to the wife and kids.

picturing the lester family gathered in their lounge and phil just laying on the floor staring at his phone giggling and kicking his feet in the air while reblogging devan fanart

i hope the girl phil kissed in prague is a lesbian now

they’re amazing at this game, work together perfectly, keep talking about how easy everything is, and spend the entire time telling each other anecdotes and facts and giggling and shit talking the characters’ communication skills. genuinely the two worst people to play a divorced couple.

me, waking up drenched in sweat, violently sitting up in bed and letting out a gasp: IT'S A METAPHOR FOR BEING A YOUTUBER

idk if someone already thought of this and this is also probably the most obvious reading of it but here i go anyway: i was just walking a dog and listening to potato prints and when phil said "you've come a long way daniel" i was like "huh phil is in the teaching position in all of these just like he was for youtube" like phil just gives editing pro tips the whole time and it all parallels their story as a youtube duo.

and obviously the entertainment industry is rife (not proper usage of that word but it Feels Right so fuck you) with satanic symbolism/imagery/iconography/motifs. being an entertainer is "selling your soul to the devil" etc etc and we know dan hates being a youtuber and does feel that way. you gotta upload twice a day every day in order to be the number one art channel on youtube dot com after all. you gotta make those crafts for satan. bo burnham has a ton of lyrics/songs that i'm thinking about rn like "you used to do comedy when you felt like being funny but now you're contractually obligated so dance you fucking monkeeeey DANCE MONKEY DAAAANCE" and in "repeat stuff" which is a commentary of how mainstream pop love songs and pop stars have to be really superficial and unoriginal because they need to appeal to everyone and at one point he sucks satan off lmao and is like AHFRUEHQFWIIO I AM A VESSEL IDUSHISKA 666 KAJSDFI ILLUMINATI UIGDFSAHIO FREEMASONS. highly recommend looking at the lyrics to that song if you're into that kind of thing.

also the (very rightful) dig at phannies for the "don't cry craft" spamming like "we love all of our crafty audience that spread the message of this channel on all the other videos on the internet! everywhere! everybody enjoyed that!" is how creators who want to keep status have to address their audiences no matter how annoying or harmful they're being. thinking of the ajr line "stay out of politics, stay on the fence / stay out of all of it to keep half your fans" because like,, yeah if a creator ever expresses an opinion that declares their feelings on one side of an issue then they will lose support (smosh is a perfect example of a bunch of people never ever ever expressing an opinion if it could be considered controversial among their audience, like refusing to address the genocide happening right now and just taking their zionist member who the fans are mad at out of some videos to be like "shhhhh nothing to see here we don't know what you're talking about"), ESPECIALLY if that issue is the behaviour of their audience.

obviously the first dapc video was not made with any intended meaning, they just woke up and were like "let's be weird and freak people out" and they did that, and then adding in symbolism and making it all mean something developed with time. but i'm gonna pretend that it has always had consistent meaning because i'm neurodivergent and love overanalysing silly little media.

i am so jhfbvdahfkiufadkhlj right now so if anyone has more theories or things to add lmk and thank you for coming to my ted talk

phil really went “i’m edward.” so matter-of-factly and assertively that i felt like i was in trouble. he shut down any debate before it could happen. this man terrifies me:

like ok i wasn’t challenging that?? i wasn’t debating with you?? how did you get into my house?? what did you do with my family?? i’m scared??

i wanna make a 3 hour video essay analysis of the danandphilcrafts series so badly i wanna be like this:

dan and phil: *breathe*

phannies: ARE THEY INSANE???? THEY ARE SICK IN THE HEAD. THEY WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH THIS MADNESS

that big titty goth gf draft tweet is making me so feral. i need it. i need it so so bad. give it to me. fork it over. do it for the lesbians. please. you love us. we love you. we are one. please.

also

HANDS OFF, LESTER 😤🤬🙅sister daniel is OUR (sapphic phannies) big titty goth gf 👯‍♀️👭👩‍❤️‍👩

here are my sc for your troubles