#i continue to have so much feelings about this game and i am physically incapable of shutting up about it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

faithforgottens · 1 year

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𝒅𝒓𝒂𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒃𝒚𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒆.

from the writer’s desk: i’d tell you i started this a year ago after deciding i needed closure on post - crying on newport beach about how i’m incapable of being loved but that would mean me unloading all over the dash, and nobody needs that. i’m just a girl, out here projecting like tomorrow’s not coming, and thought i’d share. please know that i love carol, i just had to pick a character that i didn’t have strong emotional attachment to in order to play my villain. motivation to continue this would be much appreciated, thnx. summary: you’ve been stuck in carol’s web for nearly four months now, and you need a distraction before you go postal and commit a capital crime or worse, tell her you love her. fortunately for you, natasha’s willing to offer her services. contains: college!natasha x female reader —— warnings include toxic relationship dynamics that involve infidelity, gaslighting and cheating, marijuana use, alcohol consumption, nsfw content [ fingering, dirty talk ]. → inbox status: OPEN don’t repost my works anywhere.

INCOMING MESSAGE FROM — SATAN 💬 am i gonna see you tonight?

INCOMING MESSAGE FROM — SATAN 💬 :(

INCOMING MESSAGE FROM — SATAN 💬 hellllllooooooooooo??

INCOMING MESSAGE FROM — SATAN 💬 I WANNA SEE U I MISS UR PRETTY FACE

INCOMING MESSAGE FROM — SATAN 💬 pls come tonight. it would mean everything to me

You’ve never claimed to be smart.

In fact, you’re pretty sure you have to fall on the opposite end of that spectrum in order to bother showing your face tonight at the behest of Carol fuckin’ Danvers. Satan. It’s the work of the goddamn devil pulling you from the clutches of your apartment’s comfortable silence where you’d be much better off riding through the nuanced gut-punching waves of disappointing Carol guilt instead of the hell storm that is being played once again by Carol guilt. You even put on eyeliner for such an occasion, because if you’re going to get fucked over (either physically, emotionally, or both), you might as well look good doing it.

Her name’s still lighting up your phone as the Uber drops you off at the curb, boasting a flood of pictures on Snapchat that illuminate the awaiting scene inside of the frat house through blurry streaks of glass bottles and marijuana smoke and the pale expanse of her neck where a glint of her gold necklace flashes is promised to you to do as you wish, leaving behind bruises or lip prints. It’s an enticing picture painted for you. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think maybe tonight will be the night she tells you she’s free from the clutches of Maria, her perfectly sane girlfriend that you’ve only ever known through Carol’s jilted lens, and that she’ll even let you climb her like a tree in front of her friends.

Lucky you.

Except you do know better. In the pit of your stomach, you know the reality is that you are in closer proximity than Maria, which therefore makes you the most convenient piece of ass at Carol’s disposal, that Carol believes — and is likely right about how — you’re still wound tight enough around her finger to make you drop to your knees like a good little girl, blinded by her golden halo of hair and the whiskey-soaked taste of her lips and ready to excuse her shit treatment of you. That even feeling like you have her for the beat of a butterfly’s wings is worth your sanity. And despite it all, it isn’t enough to keep you away. It’s not enough to exile the parts of a masochistic heart beating in your chest that somehow loves her, even if the only part of you she loves is your willingness to show up for her.

Carol’s fraternity is co-ed, which means that between all of the brothers, their social circle extends to the farthest corners of the university — they consume a fair bit of your own, considering you have at least two classes a semester with Bucky, sit with them at Wanda’s softball games (mostly so you can talk shit about your high school ex that made the team), and rent study rooms at least once a month with Thor, Bruce, and Val to spiral into late night insanity while you all contemplate the meaning of life and attempt to memorize vocabulary words. You slip in through the door, bass thudding into your molars and the heavy blanket of smoke and sweat covers your bare shoulders as you weave your way through the house.

“Look who finally showed up!” Behind the counter in the kitchen is Sam Wilson, running position as makeshift bartender. You detour long enough for a vodka and Diet Coke, stopping next to the barstool that Bucky’s perched on. He tucks you underneath his arm for a side hug, other hand tipping his own solo cup back as he tries to drain the last bit of liquor down his throat.

They’re good friends to you. It’s why you hate doing this dance with Satan — because at some point, you feel that there’s going to be a tectonic shift between the two of you that dredges up a rift in the concrete and you don’t know who will be left on your side. You don’t know who you’ll be able to look in the eye and lie to about Carol, who would pick you over her. You don’t even know if any of them would believe you or would write you off as crazy as you’ve been writing yourself off as of late.

You tell yourself that you’re trying, goddammit, to shove that piece of yourself back into a locked drawer and enjoy the company of your friends.

“Anybody seen Danvers?” you pitch as nonchalantly as you know how, planting your elbows down onto the granite of the counter while you watch Sam mix your drink. He goes heavy on the vodka, which you quietly appreciate.

Bucky snorts. “Yeah, we’ve seen her alright.”

“She’s in the dining room trying to rally everyone into a round of strip beer pong,” Sam explains. “Last we saw, she got her shirt stuck in the chandelier.”

“The face of class, this fraternity,” you tease as Sam hands you your drink. He can’t help but laugh, a jovial, guttural noise that makes you smile, even though your stomach is currently in your throat.

You bid them farewell and snake through the living room, trying to avoid the furniture or the bodies of other people and almost always fail in avoiding both at the same time as you carve out a path to the dining room. It’s densely packed, which forebodes the game of beer pong that the boys mentioned. You try not to cut your elbows into the bones and flesh of others to make your way through, but your adrenaline is humming at the thought of seeing Carol, the thought of her body glowing in the house lights and the cut of her physique out on display for anyone, including you, to openly ogle without abandon.

“Goddamn, Danvers!” someone yells mirthfully. “Keep it in your pants!”

Whistling down to one thought, one track, your mind lasers in and you’re positive that the sharp point of your elbow nails T’Challa directly in the ribs as you finally make it to the inner lip of the circle around the dining room table. It’s desperate. You know it’s desperate. You'll care about it later, you’re sure, but for now, all that’s on your mind is her.

“For the love of fuck, I—” Someone stumbles back into you, dark hair in frizzy waves and the bill of their baseball cap nearly jabbing straight into your nose. Wanda Maximoff spins around, her eyes lightening up at the sight of you as she grabs onto your wrist to stable herself. “Oh! Hey, babe,” she says with a smile. “Didn’t know you were coming.”

“Me either,” you tell her, trying not to be blatant as you scan for Carol. “Carol didn’t tell me until last minute.”

“Boo,” Wanda pouts, before turning to yell over her shoulder, “Danvers! Fuck you!”

“Get in line!” Carol calls back, and your head locks in on where her voice comes from. Your stomach plunges into free fall when you see her: as promised, she’s standing around in her sports bra and jeans, white teeth glinting and blonde hair curling around onto her tanned shoulders, biceps on display and her arms snaked around — her.

Maria Hill, in the flesh, pressed against Carol’s side and her chin balanced on Carol’s shoulder as Carol makes a shot one-handed that successfully lands in a cup on the opposite end of the table. Carol cheers victoriously, and Maria kisses her cheek, and you notice that Carol’s hand on Maria’s side drifts down towards her ass.

All of Carol’s messages swim inside your mind, the ones where she assures you that it’s all real, that she and Hill are done, that Hill’s holding her back, that she’s felt things for you since the moment she laid eyes on you and just knew; the ones where she paints a beautiful picture of a future with you, the same picture she’s just doused in cheap spirits and ruined for the dozenth time. Your drink suddenly tastes like arsenic, heavy and uneven in your stomach, the room shrinking and heat crawling up your neck in an uncomfortable panic. You are going to be sick.

Wanda’s voice comes through in the midst of the ringing in your ears. Fuck you, Danvers.

It takes you a moment to realize that Wanda’s voice isn’t just a reverberation inside your mind, but is right in your ear. “Hey!” She calls your name again, and you finally snap your attention back to her. She scans over your face for a moment, eyebrows folding in the center of her brow. “You alright? Where’d you just go?”

The shock is fresh on your face, salt water from the crashing wave that’s irritating your eyes — you refuse to let yourself cry, here in front of everyone, because all that’s going to do is open the door to a conversation you don’t want to have, incite a fight with Carol that you’ll surely lose, leave you feeling even lower than you do at the moment. You shake your head, trying to shake whatever emotions that aren’t nonchalant off of your face. “Noth—nowhere,” you stammer, voice an octave higher than usual. Wanda’s perplexity only deepens. “More crowded than I thought. Got beer-splashed.”

Wanda breaks into a smile, seemingly buying your excuse. “C’mon, what’d you expect?” she ribs. It’s a loaded question, and if Wanda wasn’t Wanda, you’re sure it’d be enough to light your rapidly shorting fuse. The thin strain in your falsified smile must give something away, because she softens the slightest bit and wraps her arm around yours. “Let’s go downstairs. I’ll kick your ass sideways in pool.”

You appreciatively take Wanda’s out, allowing her to guide you away from the Carol show and the crowd of people you have steeled yourself in order to not cry in front of and head with her towards the basement, which the frat has renovated into a lounge space with a giant television, sectional that is infamous for its hosting of The Threesome, and the pool table. It hasn’t garnered quite the same audience that the beer pong game has, but less people means you feel slightly less suffocated. Carol’s still got her foot on your throat, but down here, it’s easier to maneuver and act as though you haven’t just had yourself made a fool in front of everyone without them knowing.

Relieved for the little things, like elbow room, you sit down on the arm of the sectional and take a long drink from your cup — if you’re going to survive the rest of the night without your tail tucking between your legs (and you’re determined to further your self-sabotage by going the extra mile to ensure Carol knows she fucked up, even though it’s likely she doesn’t care) you’ll have to be drunker than this. Wanda adjusts her hat on her head and picks up a pool cue, glancing back over her shoulder at you. “Want someone to show you how it’s done?” she teases.

You lift your cup in acknowledgment, smile shedding off of your lips. “Go for it.”

As Wanda weasels her way into the current game of pool, you do a quick intake of who all’s downstairs. There’s a few of the brothers, a few of the brother’s dates, people that are otherwise background characters designed to make campus seem at capacity but not so many people that no one would notice if you threw up in the corner or worse, started crying. You purse your lips around the rim of your solo cup, scanning the company around the pool table. Wanda sidles up next to another one of her brothers, poking her with the pool cue. “Nat!” Wanda whines. “Give me room.”

Natasha Romanoff shuffles out of the way with the roll of her eyes. “Poke me with the stick again and it’s gonna go somewhere less than ideal.”

Wanda flicks her middle finger upright before hunching around the shape of the pool cue. “You don’t scare me, Natty.”

“Your funeral.”

Your eyes follow Natasha out of the way, and she feels their weight because the next thing you know, you’re off the cliffs and deep somewhere inside the greenery of her eyes. They’re pretty eyes, you idly note, and you find yourself mulling over Natasha Romanoff, as a person, as a concept, as Natasha. She’s the oldest of the girls in the fraternity, a senior to your junior, and she’s been around for so long that it’s hard to remember a time when she wasn’t there. It’s hard to imagine a room without her in it, a constant fixture on the mantel that you don’t even bother acknowledging it anymore.

She cocks an eyebrow at you after what’s sure to be a long moment of staring, and Wanda, who is unfortunately more observant than you’d like to believe, begins laughing. “Am I interrupting this little staring contest?”

Natasha smirks. “I could win a staring contest and kick your ass at the same time, Maximoff.”

“Show off,” Wanda grumbles as she passes the pool cue over to Natasha. She then looks at you, and whatever grumpiness dissipates, her shit-eating grin returning. “Now, you on the other hand,” she preludes with a gesture towards you. “There’s no way.”

You drain the rest of your drink and discard the cup off to the side. "You talk a lot, Wan,” you inform her as you walk up to the side of the pool table. Wanda just grins as you turn to Natasha, gesturing for the pool cue. “Let me have a go.”

Natasha acquiesces and passes you the pool cue, giving you the space you need coupled with a low nod of encouragement. There are a few clusters of balls around the table and you’re trying to eye up a shot that’ll give you not only a handful of points, but will get Wanda off your back — even if you are grateful for the timing of her diversions.

Unfortunately, it’s not enough; you can still hear the laughter and music through the walls from upstairs, a raucous noise that scatters your train of thought. Is it Carol? What’s she doing? What’s she whispering into Hill’s ear? Does she know you’re even here? Does she care?

Probably not.

You take the shot without thinking, balls ricocheting off the sides of the pool table. Wanda barks out a laugh. “Really? That’s the best you’ve got?”

“Just getting warmed up,” you say stiffly, handing the pool cue off.

Wanda’s face is alight with amusement, nodding slowly as she moves around the pool table for her next shot. “Okay.”

You’re too far in your head, and you know it. You’re content to linger on the outskirts of the game while everyone else that Wanda goes about recruiting takes their turn. It’s a few minutes or an hour before the cue ends up back in your hand, like a rickety sort of clockwork that is unexpected but also entirely predictable. You assess the situation and find a decent enough angle now that the game has progressed, significantly so.

You bend over slightly, eyes fixed on a blue ten that’s not too far from the cue. Before you can make the shot, you hear someone behind you muttering. “Do it like this.”

When you glance over your shoulder, it’s Natasha, only a few inches from where you stand, hands hesitating before she reaches out. “Back up,” she guides, her hands stationing on your hips and forcing you to take a half-shuffle of a step backwards. “And lift your elbow like this.” You’re clay and she shapes you how she wishes, her touch feather light. “Okay. Now try.”

You do exactly as she says, pool cue shooting from your hand and colliding with the cue ball. The ten you’ve had your eyes on sails into the pocket without any interference.

“Nice shot, sweetheart,” Natasha says, her voice ghosting along the back of your spine. As you straighten up, you glance behind you, noticing the faint grin along the curve of her lips.

“Well that wasn’t sexual at all,” Wanda comments with a low whistle as the pool cue returns to her grip. “Do losers get laid still? I wouldn’t know.” With a toothy flash of a grin, she draws the cue back and makes another shot — you’re not entirely focused on her efforts, thanks to the gravity of Natasha’s sights still pressing deep into your skin.

Wanda talks a big enough game that she recruits nearly everyone standing around the pool shot to give it a go, which provides a window of opportunity for Natasha to brush a hand along your shoulder and steal you away. “Up for a smoke?” she asks, and you nod. You allow her to lead the way out through the basement’s French doors, slipping outside into the backyard where the sky is dotted with stars, the air smells only the slightest bit cleaner, and the music is nothing but a dull pulse from inside the house.

Natasha steers you away from the patio where other fraternity brothers and their guests are sitting around, enjoying their drinks and laughing amongst their idle, stoned conversations around the fire pit. You follow her into the grass, trailing around the side of the house until the two of you don’t have any other company aside from each other and Thor’s knockout rose bushes that he takes great pride in.

She leans up against the wall, hands fishing in the pocket of her jacket for her lighter. For someone who’s devoted the rest of their evening to shooting metaphorical (or even literal) middle fingers in Carol’s direction, you’re still too far on edge to be nonchalant about any of it. The quiet is all consuming, maddening inside of your buzzing mind. Natasha produces a joint, embers burning on the end as she lights it and brings it up to her lips. You’re left to watch as she takes a long, casual drag, a cloud of smoke billowing from her lips on the exhale. Her wrist then extends, offering the joint up; if there is such a thing as too eager, you’d be the poster child for it, the way you pluck it from her fingers and take a hit.

“Something on your mind?” she asks, her voice a low drag of gravel against the muted bass thud inside of the house. You open an eye and glance over at her, her green eyes burning holes through you as she watches.

“Eh,” you mutter half-heartedly with a shrug. “Not worth it.”

You pass the joint back to her after you take one more drag, your eyes fixed on the steady stream of smoke that you forcibly control the exit from your mouth. It’s nice to have control over something, you think, even if it is, to some degree, just seeing how long you can hold your breath.

“Seems like you could use a distraction,” Natasha comments, fingers idly rolling the joint between her fingers as smoke still curls from the tip.

You laugh, a low and guttural noise that’s passive at best. “Yeah, probably.”

Natasha turns so her entire body is facing you, and it doesn’t register, the way that she’s looking at you, until you feel her brush your hair off of your face. Your eyes fully open, somewhat surprised by the action, watching her carefully. Natasha’s a lot of things, but gentle isn’t one you’d readily associate with her. It’s almost like she’s handling you like glass, waiting for the right moment to shatter you. It’s a hiccup in your chest, a strange feeling washing over your body.

“Let me distract you, then.” She says it simply, like it’s the most logical conclusion to arrive at.

“Nat, what...”

“C’mere.” One of her hands encircles your wrist, guiding you closer. You follow wordlessly in her guidance, unsure of what she’s doing or what’s to come. She takes another hit of the joint, her eyes glowing the same way the end of the joint does, a low burning fire that seems to grow hotter the longer your eyes are connected.

The hand holding your wrist slides up your body until she’s cupping your jaw, her thumb darting across the expanse of your face to swipe across your lips in a prompt to open them. She lowers the joint, bringing her face inches away from your own as her mouth forms a perfect circle and releases smoke. You’ve shotgunned weed before, but never at such a close proximity. Natasha breathes out and you breathe in, eyes fluttering shut at the intimacy of the moment.

“Gonna let me distract you some more?” she whispers, and you barely register yourself nodding before her lips capture your own. Her mouth is plush and soft but nothing about her is gentle anymore — this is where she forces a spiderwebbing crack across your surface, the deft way in which she manipulates your lips to do exactly as she’d like, her tongue skating across the skin and opening your mouth to allow her access. You can’t help but to sigh into the kiss. She is exactly what she claims she is: a distraction, a welcome reprieve, and the golden halo around Carol’s head seems fuzzy and jilted now.

Natasha kisses you like she’s trying to set you on fire; at some point she has absconded the joint and ground out its remnants into the mulch, both her hands cupping your face as she boxes you in with her legs and adjusts the two of you so your back is now flush against the wall. “How’s this?” she murmurs against your ear, lips starting a descent down your neck that is feather light and the gentle scrape of her teeth.

“Very... very distracting,” you stammer out, fingers curling into fiery red hair.

“Good,” Natasha hums, her mouth vibrating over a particularly sensitive spot on your collarbone that causes your grip in her hair to tighten. “Pretty girl like you shouldn’t be so far in your head.”

You nod, thankful for the reward of her body pressing against yours.

“What d’you say?” Her voice ghosts over your skin, and for a moment, you’re not sure what it is she’s asking. It takes a moment, the weed and the liquor clouding your mind, but the dig of Natasha’s blunt fingernails into your hips and the graze of her teeth along your skin serves as motivation. “Huh? What d’you say, princess?”

“Thank you,” you gasp, the feeling of her mouth tightening around your skin wet and hot sending a glimmer of electricity down your spinal cord. Natasha chuckles, a dark and melodic noise that buzzes through your body.

“You’re welcome,” she croons. “’S that all you needed? Or do you need more?”

More. It’s the knee jerk response you have, the way your world has narrowed down to just her and the scent of her heady perfume and each individual curve of muscle is now flush against you. Your eyes open only to see Natasha grinning like she’s the fuckin’ devil.

Maybe you were misplaced somehow.

Natasha’s hands drag over your sides, up and down roughly as she kisses you and forces your legs farther apart so she’s able to snake one of her thighs in between them. She rucks your top up on the edges, fingers brushing over your skin in a delightful contrast to the cool evening air. Natasha is hot, her touch burning and singeing the skin wherever it moves. She’s painting you out of ashes and making you into something beautiful, something uniquely her own. Her hands slip underneath your shirt and you feel one hand trail upwards, fingers wrapping around your breast before squeezing. It elicits another tiny moan from you, which Natasha swallows down with a kiss. “Shh,” she hisses against your lips. “Be quiet.”

You arch into her touch as her fingers slip beneath the cup of your bra and pinch your nipple tight, another squeak of pleasure groaned into her mouth. It only encourages her further, the other hand of hers moving in the opposite direction. “Want me to touch you?” she whispers in your ear while you press your mouth into her shoulder, breath warm against your ear and her teeth just barely missing your earlobe. “Bet you’re not distracted now; only thing you and that pussy are thinking about is me, huh?”

“Fuck, Nat,” you mumble into her skin.

“Yeah you are,” she replies with a shit eating grin, your head tilting back until it roughly meets the back of the wall as her hand goes up your skirt.

You’d been meticulous prior to coming over, thinking on whatever lone star trailing in the sky that you’d be seducing Carol tonight; you’d purposefully worn your skimpiest pair of underwear just to show her what she could have if she was with you. It’s only when you see the look on Natasha’s face, the way her pupils dilate and her jaw slackens the slightest bit as her fingers skim in between the folds of your thigh and vulva and feels lace that you feel something resembling satisfaction. “You came ready for a distraction, princess,” she grumbles, moving your underwear to the side and swiping her fingers through what is now sheer want dripping from you. “Fuck, you’re wet.��

“N... Nat,” you whine, squirming around in the pursuit of pressure. “Touch me.”

She places the tip of her finger at your entrance, just barely teasing it in. “Ask nicely, honey.”

The words spill from your lips without thought. “Please, Nat, please touch me, fuck m—” She cuts you off as she slips her finger inside of you and you all but rocket up the side of the wall at the feeling. Her free hand, still underneath your shirt, wrestles out from beneath the fabric and is slapped over your mouth to muffle whatever noise you make.

“Thought I told you to be quiet,” she says between her gritted teeth. “Here.” She presses her index and middle fingers against your lips and you acquiesce, opening them wide enough to allow them to slip in. “Suck.”

You do as you’re told, happy to oblige as she begins to finger you. There’s nothing soft or sweet about the way she fucks you; she adds another finger and finds a steady rhythm, curling each time she’s knuckle deep inside of you just so she can be rewarded with you humming around the fingers in your mouth. It amuses her to some extent, the way her eyes have darkened and her mouth is slightly agape. She knows exactly what she’s doing, and considering how tight you are wound, you’re not going to last long.

"Clench around me, pretty girl,” she hisses amongst the other litany of dirty things she’s whispering in your ear. “Such a sweet pussy, does whatever I ask it to; what if I want this pussy all to myself? You gonna let me have it?”

You nod, Natasha withdrawing her fingers from your mouth before she hauls you in for the filthiest kiss of your life. “Fuck,” you whimper against her lips. “Yours, Nat, your pussy.”

“Yeah, I know. This is my pussy now, all tight and hot and wet and desperate just for me. This was what you needed, wasn’t it? Needed me to fuck you silly until you forget how to put one foot in front of the other.”

“Please, Nat, gonna...”

“What?” she teases, her thumb flicking across your clit and you know that she’s doomed you, mind and body barreling down a track that there is no return from. “What, baby? Use your words.”

“Gonna come,” you manage to get out, and she fucking laughs.

“‘S right,” she agrees. “Gonna make this little pussy come all over my fingers, since I’m the only one who can. That right?” You nod; her fingers tighten in your hair and pull your head back so your neck is exposed for her. “C’mon, baby, wanna see you make a mess on my hand. Come for me like a good little slut. You know you want to.” You do, you do, and everything is bordering on the edge of too much the way Natasha is sucking your neck and rubbing tight circles on your clit. “Show me who’s pussy this is. Come.”

Another few thrusts and flicks of your clit and you are gone, Natasha bringing her mouth back to yours to swallow the keens and cries of you hitting your climax. The brick wall underneath you scratches at your shirt but it is a heavenly feeling, losing control underneath Natasha. She just smiles when she pulls away and you slump into her, perfectly sated.

“That was hot,” she says with a wicked grin, pulling her fingers out of you. She doesn’t break eye contact as she brings them up to her lips, sucking your taste off of them. Her eyes alight with pleasure, a contented hum reverberating from her vocal cords. “Thanks, pretty girl.”

Beat that, Danvers.

#natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff fanfic #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff imagine #black widow x reader #black widow x you #black widow imagine #marvel fic #marvel fanfiction #marvel x reader #marvel imagine #avengers fanfiction #avengers imagine #carlie writes things #writing: fics #i am a fan of wanda starting shit tysm #let wanda be the villain if she wants!!!! <3 #i have played pool exactly 0 times before so leave me alone

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shiroikabocha · 1 month

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favorite part of talos principle??????

I procrastinated forever on this ask, sorry. The answer’s kinda sad. But it’s also, like, deeply true and important to me as a person, so.

My mom died at the end of 2013, concluding a truly impressive any% cancer speedrun. Less than 90 days from first symptoms to last. I loved her a lot. It was a bad time.

2014 was the worst year of my life. I became convinced that human consciousness (or at least, my own human consciousness) was not an inherent good. Not an inherent bad, either, just… the nature of the human brain is to want to continue existing, and to be incapable of continuing to exist. It’s not a system that’s designed to function without pain. It’s not a system that’s designed. Consciousness hurts. Being a conscious, physical creature in an unpredictable physical world that has no obligation to make coherent narrative sense hurts.

(I miss my mom. It’s a problem with no solution.)

And then there was this video game. And it had this guy (gender neutral) in it. And this guy was like: you’re so right, bestie. Making sense of existence? That’s a loser’s game. Can’t even get to I think, therefore I am without coming up against some truly gnarly logical conundrums—almost enough to make you wanna invent a big invisible sky-friend who gives you all the answers and reassures you that you’re important and good, right? But that’s stupid. You don’t want to be stupid, do you? You want to be smart. Like me. Smart means you’re better than the people who need happy little answers to all their silly little questions. You don’t need them. You don’t need anybody. That’s the great thing about nothing—it’s so beautifully consistent! When nothing means anything, there are no contradictions. Trying to understand your place in the cosmos—asking the question “I exist; what should I do with that fact?” and expecting to arrive at an actual, functional answer—is a sucker’s game. The only winning move is not to play.

I can’t really explain what it felt like to see my own feelings repeated back to me so clearly, so accurately, and at such length—and for my reaction to my own worldview to be seething fucking hatred. When I started playing The Talos Principle, I was a pessimistic nihilist. I did not perceive myself changing into something different until I was screaming at my keyboard FUCK YOU, my existence has meaning because I CHOOSE to imbue it with meaning and I do not FUCKING CARE if it doesn’t make sense, some things are more important than being flawlessly logically correct and ME HAVING A REASON TO LIVE is ONE OF THEM

(when your internal logic answer to Why should I stay alive? starts out as My life is a precious gift given to me by God and it is not mine to throw away, and then your understanding of the world changes in a way that no longer incorporates an ontologically-existent God, sometimes you wind up with: Why should I stay alive? Answer: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ And that answer really only works as long as nothing terrible happens. It does not hold up well under stress. When you take god away you do have to put something else in its place, and it’s not easy to find something else that can hold up under the weight.)

Like… it would be an oversimplification to say that The Talos Principle made me want to live again. But it wouldn’t be too much of an oversimplification to say TTP forced me to acknowledge that I didn’t currently have a good reason to want to live, and that felt bad, and I owed it to myself to fix it. And that if I could hate this fucking asshole librarian so so much (because he was me), and still feel so much compassion for him by the end of the game, then maybe I could figure out how to feel compassion for myself, too.

Also I really like the puzzles where the solution is to zwoop around all over the place with fans, those are my favorite

#the talos principle #milton library assistant #this is part of the reason I took an extended break from TTP2 #it was bringing up complicated feelings #that are probably worth exploring! but are difficult nonetheless #it’s not the fault of the game that it’s inextricably tied up with how I learned to survive my mother’s death #but that’s what the game means for me and when TTP2 started talking more explicitly about death #it got a little heavier than I was ready to deal with #I will return to it for sure #but not right now #I’m not emotionally ready #(ugh that sounds so fucking weird but it’s also true)

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kosmicposum · 1 year

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Vent Post

Writing hasn't been the same for me for a while. I have so many ideas, but I no longer have the drive or passion to complete them anymore. I suspect it has a lot to do with my first full-length story that I actually made it through the first draft of had a co-author, and that co-author betrayed me in ways I can nor will never forgive.

For some reason, it doesn't feel as good to work on stories by myself. I don't think it ever did, either. Maybe I miss the daily conversations about the plot and the detailed scene breakdowns. Maybe it's the lack of someone with a different perspective offering words that work better, or that helped me take the scenes in more impact full directions.

Maybe I'm just too codependent to write by myself.

A million ideas I can never finish. Scores of characters that have no worlds to call home. Arcs that mean so much to me that never get to see their completion.

And I hate myself for not being able to do it. I'm weak for being incapable of writing by myself. I'm useless for my lack of drive and follow-up for things that I know would mean something to someone. Anyone. I don't even have someone who I can give daily updates to, or that fangirls anytime I come to them with one or more new chapters or character introductions. But on the other side of that same hand, I no longer trust people to share that much of my writing with anymore.

I don't know if I'll ever recover. It's been three years and I still haven't fully recovered. I'm able to write again, sure. I'm able to start a story and hammer out basic skeletons of the arcs and character paths. But I simply can't continue or finish them after a certain point.

Sometimes I get 13-15 chapters in and lose my drive. Sometimes I only get 2-3 chapters in and abandon it. I just....can't do it anymore.

And I hate myself for it.

I'm not looking for pity, or answers. I just needed to write this somewhere. Somewhere people could see it, so maybe others like me won't feel so alone. Maybe I want a heart or two to show *I* am not alone. I don't really know anymore.

There's just so much self-loathing now whenever I try to pick up a pencil or take to my keyboard. And every time I see the laundry list of WIPs I have laying around, it always makes me feel so shitty. Like I failed the characters. Like I failed as an author. Like I failed my younger self.

God, she used to be so passionate about books and writing. She used to be hungry and eager to keep up with current releases so she could be at the top of her game when she finally started publishing. So bright eyed and full of hope, overflowing with ideas and worlds she was overjoyed to one day share with the world.

And now I can't even finish a basic outline. I'm deeply terrified to share my truest literary passion with anyone, and the rejection sensitive dysphoria is paralyzing when I make the mistake of actually sharing my writing.

I know deep down, one day, it will get better. One day, I will heal whatever part of me is broken, and the words will flow like crashing waterfalls. One day I will be able to write a story; beginning, middle, and end- and I will be so proud and full of joy that I will sob.

But even know it feels the same as it did that day three years ago, and every day after it. And even now, I can not fathom ever being able to bring something that beautiful to life ever again. Even now, I feel like whatever broken part of me that keeps me paralyzed will never, ever heal.

Being an author is madness, both when you do write and when you physically and emotionally can't. Being full of words that you can't release is agony, and every day just existing is painful. I hate being silent, but feeling like using my literary voice is an action that deserves death is far worse than the torment and pain that comes with the silence. It feels so much like a punishment for something I never asked for, penitence for a crime I didn't commit.

I just hope that one day it gets better.

Even if it means I never write again, and the creativity in me dies. Because I don't know how much longer I can suffer this.

#vent #vent tag #vent post #shit to get off my chest #writing vent #author vent #kind of a trauma vent

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ursbearhug · 2 years

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Okay, a thought formulated hours ago contrasted with experiences through the day.

After my ex boyfriend and few 'situationships', or however one wish to call these not serious and very brief relationships, I learnt a lot about setting my boundaries and how I am being perceived.

When I say that I intentionally don't take care of my appearance, one thing I always hear is about how my self-esteem and depression would change if I do. But people don't get that. Like, yeah sure; I could get my beard sorted out by professional and look more aesthetically pleasing to look at. And I could get some expensive shit to put on my face and skin so it doesn't look like wreck. The question is - why would I? I doesn't bother me, it's not heavily dangerous for my health and it doesn't affect my mental well being in the slightest. It doesn't get through to a lot of folks but I do *NOT* want to be perceived as attractive.

Some people, usually unprompted and without any education in the matter, will hit me with shit like 'trauma response' or something similarly asinine. I know the price for being, ugh, Idk conventionally attractive or just passable. And I'm not willing to pay it. Men's attention is not worth it. I don't want it. As such if I have to be the least fuckable person in the grocery shop to avoid it, so be it. I'd rather be ugly than harassed.

I remember a lot of my partners saying shit like "well, you'd look better if..." or "it would go better if..." and so on and so forth, with me always going against their wishes. I wear long hair because I enjoy it. And if it will push away creeps from my DMs, it's better for me. I will continue to dress like your lesbian library grandma because I feel comfortable this way. Sorry I'm not fuckable in the suit, but not sorry.

Like, I'd say I'm rather gullible and naïve person. It's very easy to pull at my heart strings and play me. Unfortunately, or fortunately for me, going for my looks ain't it.

So today I had a little curfuffle witht this guy on Growl, what's new. After politely declining him, his offer to go out for a beer and his request to send nudes, he decided he's just not being nice enough; because we consider social interactions as transactions and if he's nice enough to me, I owe him, ya know? Anyhow, he tried for the next 3 hours, so more sternly this time, I explained to him how is that not gonna happen no matter how much compliments he threw at me. Like, there is no amount of compliments, gifts, pleads and promises that would make me trust this random ass guy with my nudes, let alone with my drink at a bar.

He stomped his feet on the ground and dipped... For like an hour because he decided, 'even though you're not that hot, I'm horny', which like... At least he's being honest, I guess. So I decided to stand my ground one last time before I just ignored his next attempt.

The reason why my current relationship with my partner is making me feel secure is not because he's physically incapable of doing or coering me to anything due to logistical reasons of him being placed on the second half of the globe. He's making me feel safe *because* he's respecting my bounds, even *if*, they change over time.

And this change surprises even me.

Like, some things don't change; I'm still just as incapable of finding him sexually attractive as I was before and I'm not in a rush to see how much I can do physically. But due to safe nature of this relationships there are things I'm willing to discuss or accommodate if need be. Or talk about mine (and his obviously), as I like to call them - 'yays, nays or maybes'.

And above all else, my favourite part is that contrary to those before him, sex can be defined by the two of us, rather than having predefined notions or standards. Therefore, I don't feel pressured to do things I don't want to and (hopefully) neither does he. It's a free game; deciding what we would want to do and how we would want to do that. And that's pretty damn sexy, if you ask me - a person who does not understand the idea of 'sexual tension'.

Anyhow, yeah. Thoughts or something. "A penny for my thoughts, no, I sell them for a dollar" or however it went.

#percy does dating #percy does thinking

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mojang-officialer · 3 years

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What mob would do the best job of opening a coconut im asking for friend

so i thought about this a little bit too much and made a list of which mobs could either open a coconut, possibly open a coconut, or could not open a coconut, containing every single mob that has ever been in the game.

details below the cut

first some rules.

i've left out all passive mobs that aren't interesting, because you don't need pages of me saying every fish can't break a coconut.

all mobs are considered to have spawned with default equipment, nothing chance-based like enchanted weapons or armor on zombies, as that would be unfair.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

- Villager/Wandering Trader/Illagers: All of these would be able to break open a coconut. Illagers are proof that villager-type bodies CAN uncross their arms, but simply choose not to. They are also capable of tool usage, and some villages spawn with stonecutters. However, this feels kind of cheap, so I'm putting them here, as it's not really a NATURAL ability to break the coconut so much as it is the tool's ability to break the coconut.

- Any fish: I appreciate the enthusiasm, but no.

PASSIVE MOBS

- Horse/Cow/Donkey/Other hooved mobs: POSSIBLY. While I do think a horse could potentially build up enough force to break a coconut by trampling it, as someone who knows horses IRL, I am also relatively confident that they would also break their leg while doing it, because horse leg bones are made out of paper and glass. Cows and other hooved mobs MIGHT be able to crack it but I doubt they'd be able to build enough force.

- Baby Piglin: POSSIBLY. Babies do not use tools, but gold tools would probably be too soft to break open a coconut anyways. That said, those tusks are pretty strong, and while I'm not sure if a baby could use them to open a coconut, I'm going to say that baby piglins cannot.

- Turtle: A snapping turtle IRL definitely COULD break a coconut. Unfortunately the turtles in Minecraft are sea turtles, which do not have jaws as powerful as the snapping turtle.

NEUTRAL MOBS

- Bee: What's it gonna do, sting it open?

- Cave Spider/Spider: Technically neutral during the daytime. Sadly not able to open a coconut as a spider's mandibles, while effective at eating small insects, are completely useless for cracking open something armored like a coconut.

- Dolphin: This is in the neutral mobs section on the wiki for some reason. Sadly, no. Their jaws can eat fish but that's about it.

- Enderman: This one is interesting. An Enderman hits relatively hard, considering its weak-looking arms, and they are able to carry whole blocks, unique among mobs, but they can only carry relatively light blocks, so that doesn't help them. Their teleportation is obviously useless here. Ultimately, I will say that YES, an Enderman can in fact break a coconut, but with one caveat- they have to be angry. The open jaw of an Enderman is like a nutcracker, and if that closes on a coconut, I am near-positive it would break.

- Goat: A goat's charge could definitely carry enough force to break open a coconut. HOWEVER, it would have to be against a wall, otherwise it would just be launched. So, I'll put goats down as 'POSSIBLY'.

- Iron Golem: An iron golem does damage primarily through gravity, by launching its targets into the air and dropping them. Unfortunately, coconuts are designed to survive long falls from atop coconut trees. Iron golems would not be able to open a coconut.

- Llama: While llama spit does a surprisingly high amount of damage, it is not enough to break a coconut.

- Piglin/Piglin Brute: A piglin would be able to open a coconut. Their gold tools are basically useless in this scenario, but their tusks are not.

- Panda: Pandas can only eat bamboo. They are too weak to eat anything else. So no.

- Polar Bear: Look me in the eyes and tell me a polar bear wouldn't be able to open a coconut. It's heavy, it has claws. One of the few mobs I have to say would ALWAYS be able to open a coconut.

- Wolf: Sadly, wolves are too small to be able to open a coconut. The same goes for all cats.

HOSTILE MOBS

Remember, the goal is to OPEN the coconut, not to destroy it in any other way.

- Blaze: If the coconut is ashes, it is no longer a coconut. It is also not open.

- Zombie/Husk/Drowned: Zombies have such weak hits that it takes a full crowd of them to kill an unarmored player. There is no way those arms would be able to hurt a coconut. This includes zombie villagers.

- Creeper: POSSIBLY. While the creeper's explosion MIGHT open the coconut, it also has equal odds to launch the coconut away or to vaporize it.

- Elder/normal Guardian: It does not have any method of physical attack, and the eye beam and psychic powers, while cool, will not help it open a coconut.

- Endermite: No.

- Evoker: While these do fall under the honorable mentions category from earlier, I felt it was worth mentioning that the metal jaws they summon from the ground are DEFINITELY enough to break a coconut, even without using tools.

- Ghast: Same issue as the creeper, but even less consistent due to their ranged method of attack.

- Hoglin: Hoglins do a COMICALLY large amount of damage. They also have enormous tusks. They would definitely be able to open a coconut, though babies might have a hard time with it.

- Magma Cube: Ashes are not a coconut.

- Phantom: Now, normally I would say that they could break a coconut, as they could pick up the coconut, fly up very high, and drop it from above. Unfortunately, phantoms do not have arms.

- Ravager: Yes. Have you SEEN those jaws?

- Shulker: It would take multiple shulkers to open a coconut, as they'd need to hit it continuously to re-apply levitation, until it was high enough for it to break when it falls. That said, it's possible for a single shulker to break a coconut, just not as consistent.

- Silverfish: A silverfish can bury through stone. They would be fine burying through a coconut. That said, I'm not certain if that counts as breaking it open, so I'll put them down as POSSIBLY, though of course it's open to interpretation.

- Skeleton: An arrow cannot break through a coconut when fired from a bow that small. A crossbow, maybe. But not the default Minecraft bow.

- Slime: Slimes are too bouncy. All the force would just launch the coconut away.

- Vex: A vex alone is too small to open a coconut.

- Witch: A potion of harming cannot break a coconut as it has no physical force.

- Wither Skeleton: Maybe. A stone sword could break open a coconut, but a skeleton can't hit with much force, and most of their damage comes from the wither status effect. Now, if that applied to a plant, it would probably rot the coconut. This is destruction, but it does not break the coconut open.

- Zoglin: Hoglins but even more forceful and evil. They would break a coconut.

BOSSES:

- Ender Dragon: The coconut would fall into the void from the knockback and disappear. Not open, technically. Dragon breath is not physical damage and as such would be useless.

- Wither: The coconut no longer exists.

UPCOMING:

- Warden: Those jaws on its chest are impressive, and the strength of its attacks are pretty strong, too (at least in its current, unfinished state). It would almost certainly be able to break open a coconut, but due to its blindness, would probably have a hard time finding it to begin with.

UNUSED/REMOVED:

- Giant: A giant cannot attack and as such would not be able to open a coconut, except maybe by accidentally stepping on it.

- Zombie horse: Same as horses, but more persistent. Also would break its leg.

- Killer Bunny: While those teeth are great at chewing through flesh, canon (Monty Python) shows it cannot chew through heavier armor or a human skeleton, and as such it would be useless against a coconut.

- Illusioner: Coconuts cannot see illusions because they cannot see.

- Pigman: Pigmen were never actually implemented. Only their textures were in the game, and as such they would not be able to break a coconut due to not having a physical form. The same applies to red dragons.

- Human: A 'human' would only do the amount of damage a player's fist would deal, so no dice there. Opening a coconut with your bare hands without using some kind of tool is impossible.

- Rana (& other humanoids): Rana and other removed early humanoid mobs could not open a coconut, as despite their less-blocky artstyle, they were incapable of holding any object.

...and that should be every mob that has ever been in the game.

#minecraft #spent like 30 mins on this

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imagineanythings · 3 years

Text

Exhausted (Steve Rogers x Reader)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader, Bucky x Reader (friendship)

Word Count: 4.7k

You’re the type of person who always needs to push yourself to your limits, and Steve doesn’t always approve.

warnings: slight smut, nudity, death mention, hurt/comfort

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You had always been incredibly stubborn. It was a trait that came in handy in your work in espionage; you were hard to crack in interrogation and would do whatever it took to complete your mission. On the other hand, it was usually pretty detrimental to your health and wellbeing. You were more than willing to put your life on the line for the sake of a mission, and you were known for pushing yourself well past your limits in training sessions. You usually didn’t stop until you or your training partner were physically incapable of going on. You knew that the other avengers worried about you, particularly golden boy Steve and your best friend Wanda, but you usually just shook off their concerns. Bucky and Nat were always more than willing to go round after round with you in the ring or spot you as you lifted until your body gave out. They understood your need to push yourself and they were always there to help you do it safely. Having them made it easier to ignore the disapproving looks Steve always shot at you as you came wobbling out of the gym, trying to maintain your balance on exhausted legs. Those looks always gave you a deep pain in your stomach, like you had just been caught doing something wrong. Your gut twisted up into a knot as you ducked your head to avoid the gaze of America’s golden boy. You weren’t sure why, but you hated it so much when he looked at you like that.

Today was a tough day. Your mission a few days ago had gone south, which meant a lot of improvising and more casualties than there should have been. You were taking it particularly hard as you had taken point on the mission. Those deaths were completely your fault, and the guilt was weighing you down. You had barely slept. The night was plagued with visions of it all going wrong, some of true events and some of false, twisted worst case scenarios that your mind had created. After another nightmare and an abrupt wake up at 6 AM, you decided that you had gotten as much sleep as you were going to get that night. You got yourself up and out of bed and quickly found Bucky, who as luck would have it, was already in the gym, no doubt trying to exhaust himself to the point where his thoughts wouldn’t be so loud, which was coincidentally the same thing you were planning on doing. “Hey! Barnes!” You yelled as you entered the gym. He dropped the large weights he was curling and turned to look at you.

“Hey, Y/N! What’s up” He pulled you in for a hug once you got close enough, you sighed at the warmth and comfort despite his sweat.

“Oh you know, just trying to outrun the demons,” you joked as you tied your shoes, earning a small smile from him.

“I know how you feel” He said, still smiling, but you could hear the slight sadness in his voice.

“Come on Buck, how does some sparring sound?” You asked, climbing up into the ring. He smiled and wordlessly followed you.

Bucky was one of your favorite people to spar with. He was much bigger than you while still being almost as fast and agile, which forced you to get creative. He also wasn’t afraid of fighting dirty, which you loved. He’d pull your hair or sweep your legs out from underneath you or you’d climb on his back and cover his eyes, one time you even bit him when you found yourself running out of options. You’d never seen him look so shocked and deranged as he did after you sunk your teeth into his forearm, but you knew that both of you loved it. He had retaliated by actually pulling a knife on you, which was a first in your hand to hand training sessions. It wasn’t just physical, it was a mental game, sparring with Bucky, and you found it was one of the absolute best ways to keep your mind off of all of your horrible failures. You knew he felt similarly, you could see the way his shoulders relaxed and lost their tension when he stepped into the ring, the way his eyes lit up and the corners of his lips twitched upwards when you landed a particularly good hit. Sparring with Bucky was therapeutic and exactly what you needed right now. Being a supersoldier, his stamina was much better than yours, and he never went easy on you. He would let you work until you physically couldn’t anymore. Even when your punches began to lag and your form became sloppy, he continued to deliver precise hits, easily taking you down over and over and over again. You would always just shake it off and bounce back up, eager to try again. On one particularly tough takedown though, where he delivered clean hits to your side, stomach, and chest all in rapid succession before grabbing your wrist when you made a weak attempt to hit back and tossing you easily over his shoulder like a ragdoll, you remained down for much longer than usual. He could see that you were exhausted, both physically and mentally. Your chest heaved and your eyes had inadvertently filled with tears. You reached up quickly and wiped them away but it was too late, Bucky had already seen them, and he could hear the rasping of your slightly panicked, shallow breaths.

“Alright doll,” He said, offering you his hand, “I think that’s enough for one day,” You begrudgingly accepted and allowed him to pull you up to your feet, where you stood shakily, catching your breath for a moment. He put a gentle hand on your back as you hunched over, still trying to get the air to return to your lungs, and you both just stood there for a few moments before he spoke again. “You sure you’re ok, doll? I’m sorry if I went too hard there, I should have slowed down, I’m so so sorry” you could feel him panicking so you forced yourself to straighten up and you put a gentle hand on his flesh arm.

“You’re gonna have to do a lot worse if you really wanna take me out of commission, Barnes” you flashed him a smile and he let out a shaky breath and a nod. You managed to hold back a grimace until he had turned away for a moment.

“Good to know,” He said after the few moments you both took to collect yourselves, helping you out of the ring and handing you a water bottle, which you gratefully took. After a few more moments of recollecting yourself and getting your breath back you gave Bucky a quick hug and decided to head back to your room for a shower. “Thanks Buck, I really needed that,” you called over your shoulder on the way out.

“Anytime Doll! You know where to find me!” He called after you, bringing a small smile across your lips.

You moved shakily through the halls of the compound, adrenaline now totally worn off, the weakness and soreness of your muscles achingly loud. You had to brace yourself against the walls of the elevator in order to stay upright. Your head was swimming and you knew, once again, you had pushed it too far. Stepping out into the hall was even worse, you were dizzy and stars flitted across your vision. As you walked down the hall towards your room, you spotted Steve exiting his own room, which was directly across the hall from yours. You suppressed a groan as you knew within seconds that trademark disapproving golden boy stare would be upon you. He looked up after locking his door and saw you immediately, but instead of seeing that disappointed glare that you were expecting to adorn his face, his features softened. You must have really looked like shit.

“Y/N” He said softly, rushing to your side and allowing you to steady yourself against him.

“’m alright” you grumbled, trying to shove him off, but he just wrapped an arm around your waist to help keep you upright.

“You look like you’re about to pass out. Y/N have you eaten today?” Steve asked. Truthfully, you hadn’t eaten that day. You had made it a rule not to eat before training in the mornings if at all possible. A few heavy cardio sessions followed by a well placed hit to the stomach forcing your breakfast back up your throat had convinced you to hold off of food until after training. You shook your head and Steve let out a frustrated sigh. There it was. The disappointment that you knew would show up eventually. Your stomach felt like it was continually tying itself up in knots and you weren’t sure if it was from the exhaustion or Steve’s palpable frustration with you.

“Come on, let’s get you in your room” He said, voice gentle and absent, the frustration you had heard so clearly moments ago barely detectable. He slowly helped you into your room, where you crumpled down onto the edge of your bed with a sigh. He disappeared out of your room and you were relieved to be left alone for a moment before he returned, a bottle of gatorade, a bottle of water, and a bag of trailmix in hand. He handed you the gatorade first. “Come on, you need to replenish your electrolytes.” You sighed and begrudgingly sat up to drink a few sips of the gatorade before lying back down.

“I can take care of myself you know,” you said, your tone more harsh than you had expected it to sound.

“I know,” his voice sounded somehow both fond and a bit sad, “but it seemed like you might need some help right now,” You shook your head and sighed, fighting back tears that you hadn’t even known were coming. Your vision was still swimming with those stupid tiny white stars and the exhaustion had caught up to your body and you felt horrible because you cost some brave people their lives and you were so embarrassed because you were breaking down in front of none other than Steve Rogers, who always looks at you like a child who deserves a timeout with those goddamn piercing blue eyes and you just know he can’t stand you and it’s all just too much. The tears came in droves and you couldn’t stop them. You threw your arms across your face to hide it but you knew Steve wasn’t that oblivious. You just wanted to crawl away and cry and hide from everyone but before you could even try to move you felt two large hands pulling your arms away from your face and wiping at your tears.

“Hey,” he said quietly, searching your eyes for answers. His bright blue stare made you want to hide even more, but you forced yourself to shakily hold his gaze, tears still coming. “You can talk to me you know, what’s going on?” He asked, reaching out to wipe your tears again. You sighed and slowly sat up. You had to fight the urge to rest your head on his shoulder and let him hold you while you sobbed. Instead you just let him put a gentle hand on your shoulder. You searched for the words but when you came up empty you just shook your head.

“Sorry,” was all you could manage, which to your surprise pulled a small chuckle from Steve.

“I don’t know what you could possibly be apologizing for right now, doll.” Steve said and you sighed, once again searching for the words.

“I’m just...” you trailed off, looking at the ceiling as if it could give you the answers. Steve waited patiently while you organized your thoughts. “I’m just sorry that I’m always letting you down. I know you don’t agree with my choices most of the time and I know you think I’m some irresponsible child, and hell maybe I am, I mean just yesterday I literally....” you couldn’t say that out loud, not yet, you weren’t ready to work through all of it. You swallowed and continued “I’m always going to do what I have to do to keep going, and I shouldn’t care if you don’t like me for it because I’m going to do what I want regardless of what people think but at the same time it feels like a knife in my gut whenever you look at me like you can’t believe someone like me ended up on a team like this.” You were rambling but you stopped yourself before it could go any further. “I’m just going to try and shower.” You stood up on unstable legs and Steve could see your entire body shaking from exhaustion and panic. He stood quickly, grabbing your wrist and pulling you into a hug. He could really feel you shaking now, pressed up so close against his body, like you were going to shatter at any moment. When you found your face pressed up against his shirt, breathing in his cologne and scent you lost it. You broke down and just let all the tears that you’d been holding in escape. If it weren’t for his arms wrapped tightly around you, you were sure your legs would have given out beneath you. You both stood like that for a few minutes, you sobbing into his chest as he stroked your hair and back and tried to make you feel safe. The shaking of your body went straight through his very being. Once your crying had slowed and he could feel your heart rate decreasing he tilted your chin upwards so he could look at you. Your eyes met his and he felt like you had his chest in a vice-grip, all tightness and pressure. His chest was completely and painfully empty, all that remained was an aggressive aching brought on by your red puffy eyes. He hated that he had a hand in making you feel like that.

“Hey,” he said quietly, fingers still gently resting on your chin. “I’ve never thought that of you.” He spoke slowly, voice barely above a whisper, his words deliberate and true. He hesitated for a moment, debating whether or not he should share more. “I...” he began, slowly gaining the confidence to say what he felt, “I only seem like I disapprove because I care about you... so much” Your breath caught in your throat. “It kills me to see you so beaten down and exhausted and all I want to do is help you but I never know how, I’m so sorry you thought anything else.” You examined his eyes to see he now seemed to be holding back tears as well. You placed a soft hand on his cheek and reached up on your toes to give him a small kiss on the side of his face next to your fingers. He blushed a bit, and spoke again, “you can always come to me, you know that right? I won’t work you as hard as Natasha, or put up nearly as much of a fight as Buck, but I’ll always be here when you need this,” he seemed sheepish at the admission. You just smiled.

“I can’t believe I thought you hated me this whole time,” he just shook his head in complete disbelief. That would be like hating the sun for burning so bright, it was ridiculous.

“I could never ever hate you y/n” His hand moved up to wipe at your tears once more. “Now will you please let me take care of you?” He asked, almost desperately. You rolled your eyes and simply nodded, even in your fragile state still not one to be “taken care of”, but who were you to argue with the Captain?

He sat you back down on your bed and told you to stay put and drink your gatorade. You did as you were told while he disappeared into the bathroom to turn on your shower. He came back into the room and forced you to eat some of the trail mix he had brought for you and then insisted on walking you to the bathroom, “You’re still shaking, I don’t want you falling and hurting yourself” he had said before wrapping a strong arm around your waist. You could have protested more but for some reason the words echoed into silence before they passed your lips.

Once in the bathroom you couldn’t help but give him shit “You gonna hold me up in the shower too?” You said with a smirk, leaning against your sink. He laughed but you could see his cheeks going pink.

“No- I um, well I can just,” he motioned towards the door, “not that I wouldn’t want to- I mean” he was getting more and more flustered by the second, you’d never seen the captain look so nervous and well... cute.

“If it wouldn’t be too weird, I could use the help” you conceded, and if you thought his face was red before, you had not been prepared for the crimson color that now covered his entire face and you were pretty sure his body too. “We can keep our underwear on if you want, it can be just...a friend thing, one friend helping another physically incapacitated friend” you said, and his breathing slowed a bit. He looked a bit sheepish and reached up to rub the back of his neck nervously, his voice barely audible when he finally spoke.

“And what if I didn’t want it to be just a friend thing?” He held eye contact with you, searching for some kind of response in the silence before you spoke. You were so stunned you couldn’t suppress a slight giggle, to which he immediately tensed up before you finally got some words out.

“Geez Rogers, at least take me to dinner first before you try to get me naked,” He looked absolutely mortified and began stammering and trying to get out some sort of apology.

“I’m so sorry y/n, I really didn’t mean to imply that I wanted to- well I mean I do, but not like this, and I absolutely would love to take you to dinner, I mean if that’s something you’re interested in, but I really just wanted to help and I screwed it up didn’t I?” He seemed like he could go on forever so you silenced him with a quick peck on the lips. It was chaste and fast, with not nearly as much feeling and closeness in it as either of you would have liked, but it served its purpose. He stood in stunned silence as you slowly took off your athletic shirt.

“Come on Rogers, dinner can wait, right now I need some help,” without waiting for an answer you steadied yourself on his arm with one hand as you tried to get out of your shorts without falling over. He was still looking at you like you had grown a second head, which made you back off a bit. You kept a hand on his arm for support but allowed for a bit more space between the two of you.

“Hey if you aren’t comfortable with this we don’t have to do it, I can just sit down in the shower or call Wanda or something it really isn’t a big deal.” He swallowed and shook his head, trying to snap himself out of whatever trance he had put himself in.

“No...no I just wasn’t expecting...” he paused, searching for the word, “that” He moved back in closer to you, he was close enough that his exhales ghosted your face. “As long as you’re sure you want this,” The words were tender but his face was set and serious. You nodded quickly in response.

“Oh Steve,” you took in his face, eyes tracing his features before finding his blue ones again, “This is all I want,” With a sudden moment of bravery, you weakly pulled yourself up and gently pressed your lips to his. He froze for a moment before reciprocating as if you were air and he desperately needed to catch his breath. He tasted surprisingly sweet, and the little groan he made when you reached up and ran your fingers through his hair tasted even sweeter. His hands began to roam but your body was still trembling and he had a sudden shock back to reality, in true captain-like focus, he was reminded of his mission. He pulled away slowly, your trembling increasing with the absence of his lips on yours. “Come on doll, let’s not forget why we’re here,” he said, barely above a whisper. He wanted you. He couldn’t deny that, but he wanted to make sure you were taken care of first. If he was going to do this, as he had wanted to for so long, he was going to do it right. He slowly helped pull your sports bra off and then knelt down to remove your panties. He couldn’t help but leave small kisses on your stomach and thighs as he slid the fabric down your legs.

You shuddered and pawed at his shoulders. He understood almost immediately and pulled his shirt over his head in one fluid motion. You tried to remove his belt but he quickly replaced your shaky fingers with his own, larger, more steady ones. He made quick work of his belt and pants and suddenly it was just the two of you standing there, painfully aware of how naked and exposed you were. As he looked at you he felt entirely breathless. You were more gorgeous than he had imagined, your skin so smooth and soft, your curves perfect, he wanted nothing more than to have you right there, but he held himself back. He forced himself to focus on the task at hand, his girl needed his help, and he wasn’t going to let her down.

Steve reached a hand into the shower and felt the water to make sure it was hot enough. He gave a little satisfactory nod to himself before helping you into the shower and maneuvering you beneath the water. He made sure to keep at least one steady hand on you as you let the water wash over you. He could have stood there for hours, just watching your face relax and your head roll back as the water soothed your aching body. With your eyes closed and a blissful smile on your face you looked so peaceful, Steve almost didn’t want to interrupt the moment, but he could see you swaying a bit, still off balance and shaky from exhaustion. He quickly grabbed the shampoo and moved behind you, his muscular chest pressed up close against your back. Slowly he began to work the shampoo into your hair, your head rolled back even more and he could feel your muscles relax against his body. His fingers massaging your scalp and running through your hair drew a moan from you that was definitely not situationally appropriate, but you were too worn out at this point to care or even notice. Steve tried his hardest not to fixate on it, not to think about those sounds spilling from your lips. Now was not the time.

He shook himself out of it and rinsed the shampoo out before moving on to conditioner. Just like with the shampoo, he slowly and deliberately worked the conditioner through your hair, making sure to massage your scalp and coat your hair evenly. Once again he tried not to focus on the blissed out expression on your face, tried not to imagine any other context in which your head would fall back like that, lips slightly parted, sighs of pleasure sitting so beautifully upon them. After rinsing that out, he moved on to body wash. He took this time to savor every part of you, especially the ones he had never seen before. He ran his hands over your impossibly soft skin, and acquainted himself with every inch of it. He placed kisses on your shoulders before running his soapy hands over them, he paused with his hands on your waist, admiring how well they fit there, like they were exactly where they belonged. Your mind may have been too foggy with exhaustion to realize it at the time, but god dammit, Steve Rogers was worshipping every single piece of your body. You sighed as he ran his hands all the way up your stomach and your chest before placing a gentle kiss on your neck.

With your eyes closed and your weight resting on Steve’s chest behind you, you felt more at ease than you had in months. He planted another kiss on your neck, sucking gently and you let out a little moan followed by a breathy “Oh Steve.” That drew a groaning sound from somewhere deep in his throat and turned you around so he could kiss you again. He kept one stabilizing arm around your waist, keeping your body pressed up against his, while his other hand cradled your cheek like you were the most precious thing in the world to him, and in that moment he was almost certain that you were. The kiss was passionate and full of desire but still gentle and tender. Like you were the most beautiful, fragile thing in existence and Steve just needed to hold you close but he was afraid you could shatter at any second beneath his touch.

Without breaking the kiss, he reached back and turned off the water, feeling almost guilty when you began to shiver in his arms. He quickly reached out of the shower and grabbed a towel, which he used to gently dry you off before wrapping it around your body tightly. He grabbed another towel and wrapped that around his waist. Then, without warning, he scooped you up in his arms bridal style, which caused you to squeal in surprise. You clung to him tightly, with your arms around his neck, despite the fact that you knew Steve would never let you fall. He brought you into your room and laid you down gingerly on the bed. You whimpered at the loss of contact and he smiled.

“Just a second doll, I’ll be right back.” He came back into the room with both of your clothes. He put your sweaty workout gear in your hamper and put his boxers on after laying the rest of his clothes on your bed. “I can grab you something from your closet if you’d like, you’d have to tell me where to look but I’m sure I can-” he turned to see you already pulling his shirt on over your head. Once you had it on you laid back down and just breathed in his scent. He watched the way you curled up in his shirt, content smile on your lips as you surrounded yourself with him and he felt his lungs empty completely. He never thought he would see something like this in person, he had resigned it to nothing more than fantasy, and yet here you were. He slid into bed slowly, as if rushing would break the spell and destroy this beautiful illusion all around him. But as he laid down next to you, nothing fell apart. Instead, you simply curled up against his body, laying your head on his chest, tangling your legs with his. You let out a tiny contented sigh as Steve wrapped one arm around your back and waist to keep you close, and used the other to gently play with your hair. It took mere seconds for your breathing to even out and Steve could tell you were asleep. He pressed a soft kiss to your forehead and smiled as you snuggled in even closer to him, leaning into his touch. With his arms around you and the sweet smell of your shampoo and your body wash overtaking him, Steve could feel his own eyelids getting heavy. As he began to drift off to sleep he couldn’t help but think to himself, yeah I could get used to this.

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todomitoukei · 3 years

Text

Japanese vs. English Todoroki - A 302 Comparison

After chapter 301 gave us a bit of Touya’s backstory, this chapter continues giving us some flashbacks as well as the conversation between the Todofam in the present time with plenty of questionable lines! Just like with 301, we’ll take a look at every line from this chapter so this is another lengthy post...

「今後は焦凍を他の子らと一切近付けさせないことにする。」

「今後 ; kongo 」-> from now on; hereafter

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「焦凍 ; shouto 」-> Shouto

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「他 ; hoka 」-> other

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「子ら ; kora 」-> children

「と ; to 」-> with

「一切 ; issai 」-> absolutely not; without exception

「近付けさせない ; chikadzukesasenai 」-> won’t let someone near someone else

「ことにする ; koto ni suru 」-> to decide on

= “I’ve decided that from now on, I will absolutely not let Shouto near the other kids.”

The official translation says that “we” are keeping the kids away from Shouto. While the Japanese line doesn’t include the pronoun for “I” it makes a lot more sense to go with that since Rei didn’t exactly have much of a say in anything, so whether or not she agreed to this isn’t even important. The point is, Endeavor made this decision.

This was most likely right after Touya tried to attack little Shouto so a direct continuation of the last flashback from chapter 301.

「俺は仕事でずっと面倒を見るわけにはいかんその為の使用人を雇った。おまえも燈矢から目を離すな。」

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「仕事で ; shigoto 」-> attending work

「ずっと ; zutto 」-> continuously; straight

「面倒を見る ; mendou o miru 」-> to look after someone

「わけにはいかん ; wake niwa ikan 」-> cannot afford to

「その ; sono 」-> that

「為 ; tame 」-> sake; purpose

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「使用人 ; shiyounin 」-> servant; employee

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「雇った ; yatotta 」-> hired

「おまえ ; omae 」-> you

「�� ; mo 」-> also; too

「燈矢 ; touya 」-> Touya

「から ; kara 」-> from

「目を離すな ; me o hanasuna 」-> don’t take one’s eyes off

= “I am attending work. I can’t afford to continuously look after him, for that sake I hired a servant. Don’t you take your eyes off Touya, either.”

The na at the end of me o hanasuna is a negative command to say “don’t do” I’m not sure how exactly Rei is supposed to not take her eyes off Shouto and Touya when they are kept apart from each other, but what do we expect anyway? Also, keep in mind that Touya is 8 years older than Shouto and has been training on his own for around 4 years at this point without his parents being able to stop him. Of course, Endeavor is not going to be the Number One Hero if he can’t even stop his own child from doing whatever he wants. How are two adults not able to handle one tiny child??

「。。。あの子はあなたに見てほしいんだよ。」

「あの ; ano 」-> that

「子 ; ko 」-> child

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「あなた ; anata 」-> you

「に ; ni 」-> by; from

「見て ; mite 」-> to look

「ほしい ; hoshii 」-> to want

「んだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

= “...That child wants you to look at him.”

The “that’s all” in the official translation is a good way to capture the nuance of nda yo.

「。。。俺はヒーローの世界しか。。。見せられないよ。」

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「ヒーロー ; hiro 」-> hero

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「世界 ; sekai 」-> world

「しか ; shika 」-> only

「見せられない ; miserarenai 」-> to see (potential negative) *shika requires the verb to be in the negative form

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

= “I can only show him the hero world.”

Shika is usually used in a negative context, so an alternative translation would be “I can’t show him anything but the hero world.”

Anyway, I absolutely love (sarcasm) when people try to claim that Endeavor was a loving family man who just didn’t know how to express his love even though it’s so obvious that he couldn’t be bothered to try and be an actual father. Saying that he can only show him the hero world is just a lazy excuse, similar to him telling Touya that he’s ignoring him “for his own good” - none of those are in any way helpful or something that a child could understand. Instead, it only signals that Endeavor doesn’t care. No one is born a perfect parent nor is anyone expected to be one, but a good parent would try to do a good job and not neglect their child because they are incapable of being a parent. It’s also like he pretends that only the hero Endeavor exists and that he isn’t anyone outside of that. He’s a hero and nothing else (unfortunately, he isn’t really a hero, either, though). The problem with separating the hero from the person behind the hero is taking away the responsibility and sort of using the hero persona as a shield. Instead of recognizing that he failed as a parent, he is acting as though he doesn’t exist outside of his hero job and thus doesn’t have any responsibilities outside of work. That is how he also ends up blaming Rei for everything that happens rather than acknowledging that this is all his fault.

「ヒーロー？　逃げてるだけじゃないの。。。」

「ヒーロー ; hiro 」-> hero

「逃げてる ; nigeteru 」-> running away; escaping

「だけ ; dake 」-> only

「じゃない ; janai 」-> aren’t

「の ; no 」-> explanatory question marker

= “Hero? Aren’t you just running away…?”

This is a fantastic line and it’s nice to see her call him out, however, it also just makes no sense when later on in this exact chapter, we see Rei - in the present time - now being a lot nicer to him and supporting him instead of calling him out for being at fault for what happened to Touya.

「燈矢兄遊ぼー！！」

「燈矢兄 ; touya nii 」-> Touya-Nii

「遊ぼー ; asobo- 」-> let’s play

= “Touya-Nii, let’s play-!!”

「おお」

「おお ; oo 」-> Oh

= “Oh.”

Something I want to point out about this panel is that we see two desks here. Do they have a computer room? Do Touya and Natsuo share a room? While there are plenty of books on Touya’s desk, the one next to him has a couple of action figures on it. Though it’s hard to determine who those action figures are supposed to be, it would be absolutely hilarious if they just had a bunch of All Might figurines that they placed around the house to piss off Endeavor.

「焦凍見るな。兄さん（アレ）らはおまえとは違う世界の人間だ。」

「焦凍 ; shouto 」-> Shouto

「見るな ; miruna 」-> don’t look

「兄さんら ; niisanra 」-> older brothers

「アレ ; are 」-> that person

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「おまえ ; omae 」-> you

「とは ; to wa」-> topic marker with added emphasis to the topic

「違う ; chigau 」-> different

「世界 ; sekai 」-> world

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「人間 ; ningen 」-> human

「だ ; da 」-> be

= “Don’t look, Shouto! Your brothers (they) are people of a different world.”

Here, we have a sentence where the Furigana (= what the character says) read as are and don’t match with the Kanji (= what the character actually means), which read niisan.The ra at the end of niisanra is a pluralizer, just like tachi (ra is more informal). These pluralizers can be translated as something like “group” to say something like “the group of which your older brother is a part of.” It’s interesting that he says this, though, since the word kyoudai (=siblings) exists, which would better include all of Shouto’s siblings. Adding ra to the word Niisan (=older brother) rather than using a more neutral term like kyoudai then sort of adds emphasis to the older brother. This would be a great moment to joke that this is where Touya got his sexism from since Endeavor can’t even be bothered to mention that Shouto also has a sister here. But, I think this “group of which your older brother is a part of” refers to Touya specifically for a different reason. Natsuo himself has mentioned that Endeavor never even acknowledged him and instead he was tossed aside right away. And while Fuyumi is the one shown to be closest with Endeavor in the present time, that's only because Endeavor relies on her since she more or less replaced Rei in her mother role. But back then, she was probably just as ignored as Natsuo. That makes it feel like even here when saying “your siblings are in a different world” he is referring to Touya being a failure and thus not being part of the hero world, while not even acknowledging Natsuo’s or Fuyumi’s existence at all.

「いっかいだけでいいから燈矢兄たちと遊ばせて。」

「いっかい ; ikkai 」-> one time; one round; one game

「だけで ; dake de 」-> just

「いいから ; ii kara 」-> listen up

「燈矢兄たち ; touya nii tachi 」-> Touya-Nii and the others

「と ; to 」-> with

「遊ばせて ; asobasete 」-> let (someone) play (command)

= “Listen, let me play with Touya-Nii and the others, just one time!”

Ii kara is an expression used at the start of a command sentence for emphasis.

As mentioned before, tachi is a pluralizer and it’s similar to saying “Touya-Nii and the others” which is important for two reasons. One, this indicates that there were no further incidents where Touya tried to attack Shouto, since the latter doesn’t show any fear or resentment towards Touya, probably not knowing about the incident at all. And two, it really feels like Shouto is looking up to big bro Touya here. The oldest child - the head of the kids, if you will - and all Shouto wants is to hang out with this awesome brother of his. It’s not clear whether he knows that Touya used to be trained too or not, but either way, Shouto emphasizes Touya here and I’m glad the official translation included it like this, too!

「ダメだ出力訓練だ。」

「ダメ ; dame 」-> no good

「だ ; da 」-> be

「出力 ; schutsuryoku 」-> output

「訓練 ; kunren 」-> training

「だ ; da 」-> be

= “It’s no good. It’s output training.”

As mentioned later on in the chapter, Endeavor only ever taught Touya how to increase his flames and not how to decrease them. So I assume that “output training” is just that - training Shouto to increase his flames.

I’ve seen some people claim that the panel we get of Touya is him looking at Shouto in some evil or jealous way, but it’s more realistic to assume he’s looking at Endeavor, especially when looking at the part that comes right after. ALSO, please look at Natsuo in that panel.

He looks so worried as he’s realizing that he’s about to hit Touya-Nii in the face with the ball. You think Touya manipulated Natsuo? Actually, Natsuo physically abused Touya :/ (this is sarcasm). This is also the part where, in the anime, Touya just falls down and Natsuo and Fuyumi laugh at him. No wonder he ended up as a villain. Bullied by everyone in his family, the poor kid...

「そりゃああの時は俺が悪かったよ。。。！！焦凍に罪はなかったもの。。。でもお父さんも悪かったんだよ！　俺たちは失敗作だから相手にされないすごいよな。。。要らない子をつくってこれが現代ヒーローなんだぜ。」

「そりゃあ ; soryaa 」-> well; that is to say (interjection, form of それは)

「あの ; ano 」-> that

「時 ; toki 」-> time; occasion

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「悪かった ; warukatta 」-> was at fault; was in the wrong; was to blame

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

「焦凍 ; shouto 」-> Shouto

「に ; ni 」-> for

「罪 ; tsumi 」-> fault; responsibility

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「なかった ; nakatta 」-> wasn’t

「もの ; mono 」-> sentence ending particle used to indicate reason/excuse/dissatisfaction

「でも ; demo 」-> but

「お父さん ; otousan 」-> dad

「も ; mo 」-> also; too

「悪かった ; warukatta 」-> was at fault; was in the wrong; was to blame

「んだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

「俺たち ; oretachi 」-> we

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「失敗作 ; shippaisaku 」-> failed creative work; flop

「だから ; dakara 」-> because

「相手にされない ; aite ni sarenai 」-> don’t associate with; take notice of (passive)

「すごい ; sugoi 」-> terrible

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

「な ; na 」-> sentence ending particle; used to seek confirmation

「要らない ; iranai 」-> not needed

「子 ; ko 」-> children

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「くって ; tsukutte 」-> making

「これ ; kore 」 - > this

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「現代 ; gendai 」-> modern era; nowadays

「ヒーロー ; hiro 」-> hero

「なんだ ; nanda 」-> explanatory particle

「ぜ ; ze 」-> emphasis particle

= “Well, that time I was to blame. Shouto wasn’t at fault. But dad was also to blame! We’re failed creative works, so we aren’t being associated with. Terrible, isn’t it… making children they don’t need. Is this the modern era hero?”

We know that Touya attacked Shouto when Shouto was a relatively fresh baby, but here Touya is 13, so this is roughly 5 years after that incident and yet Touya is still thinking about it and still feeling guilty about it, too. It’s also obvious that he never properly spoke with either one of his parents about this since a parent would then sit him down and help him work through these feelings of guilt. Then again, not his parents! Maybe he did tell them this before too and he didn’t get any reaction from it. It’s also sad how well he understands the whole situation and how much critical thinking he has (more than most of the fandom!), questioning how someone like Endeavor can be considered a hero when he isn’t even a decent person to his own family.

「たまには姉ちゃんことで言ったら。。。？」

「たまに ; tamani 」-> occasionally; once in a while

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「姉ちゃん ; neechan 」-> big sister

「こと ; koto 」-> phrase nominalizer

「で ; de 」-> with; via

「言ったら ; ittara 」-> if you said/told

= “If you told big sister one in a while…?”

This one sounds a bit strange when just doing a direct translation since this is one of those cases where the rest of the sentence is omitted because this part is enough to understand what he’s trying to say.

The one compliment I always have to give Horikoshi is managing to write very believable sibling dynamics/interactions. Also, I can’t help but wonder whether they are sharing a room (which doesn’t really make sense considering they live in a large house) or if these two just like to have sleepovers (I prefer this theory).

「夏くんまで俺をたしなめるのか！？やめてくれ！夏くんしか理解できないから話してるのに！！わかるだろ家の女は皆だめだめなだ！」

「夏くん ; natsu kun」-> Natsu-Kun

「まで ; made 」-> even

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「たしなめる ; tashinameru 」-> to chide; to rebuke; to reprove

「のか ; noka 」-> question marker particle seeking an explanation

「やめてくれ ; yametekure 」-> quit - asking for a favor (やめて + くれ)

「夏くん ; natsu kun」-> Natsu-Kun

「しか ; shika 」-> only (with neg. verb)

「理解できない ; rikai dekinai 」-> able to understand/comprehend/sympathize (negative form because of shika)

「から ; kara 」-> because; therefore

「話してる ; hanashiteru 」-> speaking; talking

「のに ; noni 」-> even though (used when complaining to someone)

「わかる ; wakaru 」-> to understand

「だろ ; daro 」-> right; I think

「家 ; uchi 」-> one’s family; one’s home

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「女 ; onna 」-> woman

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「皆 ; minna 」-> all

「だめだめな ; dame dame na 」-> entirely useless

「だ ; da 」-> be

= “Even you are chiding me, Natsuo-Kun!? Please stop! I’m talking to you because you are the only one who can understand me, Natsu-Kun!! You understand that the women in this family are entirely useless, right!”

The kure at the end of yametekure is used when asking a favor from someone, in this case, Touya is essentially asking Natsuo to please stop.

I know a lot of people said this is somehow manipulative and sexist?! About the sexist part: this is literally just a way for him to sum up that he’s talking about Fuyumi and Rei, which makes sense, considering he is not allowed to talk to Shouto, and obviously he can’t talk to Endeavor, either, which means the only remaining candidates he is able to talk to are Natsuo, Fuyumi, and Rei. Since he is talking to Natsuo, that only leaves Fuyumi and Rei (= the women in the family). It’s not that deep. It’s not like he said “they don’t understand because they are women” he just said “the women in this family are useless” which is an understandable feeling. While we don’t know exactly how his conversations with Fuyumi were like during this time, we know that Fuyumi is more on the neutral side in the present time and later on in this chapter, she even admits to having turned a blind eye in the past. And the next scene shows us why Touya thinks his mom is useless, too. He has legitimate reasons to view them as useless because neither of them acknowledged his feelings or listened to him properly. So no, he isn’t sexist he just uses this term instead of saying “Fuyumi and mom”.

And about the manipulative part - I’m not sure if some of you don’t have siblings? You are allowed to vent to your siblings. Also, let’s not forget that Touya is a drama queen, so him being a little dramatic here is just him being himself. More importantly, though, Natsuo is the only one that listens to him, so of course, he’s worried when the one person that he feels understood by tells him to talk to someone who doesn’t understand him. Not to mention the fact that Touya didn’t exactly grow up in an environment that taught him how to properly handle his feelings, which is the core problem in his life, so if he doesn’t perfectly articulate his feelings then remember that his parents never taught him any better.

「待ってまたお山に行く気でしょ。。。！たまにはクラスメイトと遊んでみたり。。。」

「待って ; matte 」-> to wait

「また ; mata 」-> again

「お山 ; oyama 」-> mountain

「に ; ni 」-> to

「行く気 ; iku ki 」-> feel like going

「でしょ ; desho 」-> it seems; right?

「たまに ; tamani 」-> occasionally; once in a while

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「クラスメイト ; kurasumeito 」-> classmates

「と ; to 」-> with

「遊んでみたり ; asondemitari 」-> try to do things like playing

= “Wait, you feel like going to the mountain again, right…! Once in a while, try to do things like playing with your classmates and…”

「友だちなんかいらない！世界が違う！」

「友だち ; tomodachi 」-> friends

「なんか ; nanka」-> make light off something

「いらない ; iranai 」-> don’t need

「世界 ; sekai 」-> world

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「違う ; chigau 」-> different

= “I don’t need friends! The worlds are different!”

Obviously, he has adapted this mindset from Endeavor. Thinking that heroes live in their own world and are somehow different - better - than anyone else. Being a hero in the bnha universe isn’t about anything heroic in most cases, but rather it’s about status and being a superior person. Sure, not every hero is as cruel to people as Endeavor, but even the other heroes believe that some people are worthier than others. In a way, they really are in a different world because they have the power to decide who to save and who isn’t worth saving, even though none of them are able to recognize this. To some people, though, like Endeavor or Touya, these different worlds are very clearly there.

「燈矢おまえ。。。本当にヒーローになりたいの？」

「燈矢 ; touya 」-> Touya

「おまえ ; omae 」-> you

「本当に ; hontou ni 」-> really

「ヒーロー ; hiro 」-> hero

「になりたい ; ni naritai 」-> want to become

「の ; no 」-> question marker particle seeking an explanation

= “Touya, you… do you really want to become a hero?”

「お母さんには。。。お父さんに縛られて苦しんでる様に見える。。。燈矢。。。世界は沢山あって選択肢は無数にあるの。お父さんだけじゃないもっと外を見て。。。！その中で本当になりたい自分を見つけてほし。。。」

「お母さん ; okaasan 」-> mom

「には ; niwa 」-> as for

「お父さん ; otousan 」-> dad

「に ; ni 」-> by

「縛られて ; shibararete 」-> to tie, to bind; to restrict (freedom)(passive)

「苦しんでる ; kushinderu」-> suffering

「様に見える ; you ni mieru 」-> seems like

「燈矢 ; touya 」-> Touya

「世界 ; sekai 」-> world

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「沢山 ; takusan 」-> many

「あって ; atte 」-> to be; to exist

「選択肢 ; sentakushi 」-> choices; alternatives; options

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「無数 ; musuu 」-> countless

「に ; ni 」-> to

「ある ; aru 」-> to be; to exist

「の ; no 」-> explanatory particle

「お父さん ; otousan 」-> dad

「だけ ; dake 」-> only

「じゃない ; janai 」-> isn’t

「もっと ; motto 」-> even more

「外 ; soto 」-> other place

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「見て ; mite 」-> look

「その中で ; sono naka de 」-> therein

「本当に ; hontou ni 」-> really

「なりたい ; naritai 」-> want to become

「自分 ; jibun 」-> oneself

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「見つけて ; mitsukete 」-> to discover; to find

「ほし ; hoshi 」-> want

= “To mom… it seems like you are suffering and being tied down by your father… Touya… There are many worlds, there are countless choices. Look more outside, there isn’t just your father…! I want you to find out who you really want to become therein.”

See, she can’t really blame him for becoming Dabi when she literally tells him he should find out who he wants to become. He only took her advice...

「お母さんが何を知ってんだよ！？啓発本でも読んだのかよ。。。！？」

「お母さん ; okaasan 」-> mom

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「何 ; nani 」-> what

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「知ってん ; shitten 」-> knowing

「んだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

「啓発 ; keihatsu 」-> enlightenment; development

「本 ; hon 」-> books

「でも ; demo 」-> ...or something

「読んだ ; yonda 」-> was reading

「なのか ; nanoka 」-> question marker particle seeking an explanation

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

= “What do you know, mom!? Were you reading some enlightenment books or something…!?”

Once again, the official translation makes him talk in the weirdest way. We get it, he speaks informally. But no one talks like that. Please stop. Also, while the official translation only called this a “self-help book” keihatsu is defined as the act of teaching and leading others by teaching knowledge and awareness and is based on a saying from the Analects of Confucius about teaching only those who have the desire to learn and struggle to express themselves with words. There’s another word for enlightenment in Japanese, keimou, which is defined as being about teaching people the answer, whereas keihatsu is about leading people to think about the answer themselves.

Again, in a way, Rei did lead him to think about what his answer to “find out who you want to become” is so it’s somewhat fitting since she didn’t explicitly tell him who to become.

I’m sure Rei hasn’t actually read any enlightenment books, but I’m sure Touya has (that and parental books, probably). Smart boy!

「おばあちゃん達が貧乏してたからお母さんを売ったんだろ。お母さんはそうするしかなかったんだろ。」

「おばあちゃん達 ; obaachantachi 」-> grandma and the others

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「貧乏してた ; binbou shiteta 」-> was poor

「から ; kara 」-> therefore

「お母さん ; okaasan 」-> mom

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「売ったん ; uttan 」-> was sold

「だろ ; daro 」-> right?

「お母さん ; okaasan 」-> mom

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「そうする ; sousuru 」-> to do so

「しかなかった ; shikanakatta 」-> had no choice but~

「んだろ ; ndaro 」-> right?

= “Grandma and the others were poor, so they sold mom, right? Mom had no choice but to do it, right?”

Remember how in chapter 301 I said that the first flashback seemed more like a business transaction? Well, well, well. Of course, just because Touya says that Rei was sold doesn’t mean that she was actually sold, but I do think that she was sold in the sense that Endeavor is providing for her family, which would also explain why they are never seen visiting Rei (aside from the fact that this story isn’t about her and they are just not important) since they are financially depending on Endeavor and thus don’t want to get into any sort of fights with him that would possibly result in him not providing for them anymore.

Again, it’s sad that a 13-year-old is already aware of these circumstances.

「燈。。。」

「燈 ; tou 」-> Tou

= “Tou…”

「だから俺が生まれたんだろ。。。！？お母さんも加担してんだよ。」

「だから ; dakara 」-> therefore

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「生まれた ; umareta 」-> was born

「んだろ ; daro 」-> right?

「お母さん ; okaasan 」-> mom

「も ; mo 」-> also; too

「加担してん ; katan shite 」-> being complicit

「んだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

= “That’s why I was born, right…!? You’re also complicit, mom.”

Honestly, he looks so hurt there. Some people like to claim that he was too harsh or whatever, but he basically just poured his heart out to her and told her that she can’t understand his pain - which is true - and it’s so sad to think about how long he must have had this thought already at that point. Again, he is thirteen. That’s a tough age for most people as it is, and when your own family doesn’t listen to you or understand you that makes it even worse.

Another thing to note is the sweat drops on his face. As we learn on the next page, when his emotions increase, so does his fire, so it’s likely that by yelling at his mom and getting angry, his body temperature was rising, thus making him sweat. This also matches with the line that comes right after:

「火が。。。。消えないんだよ」

「火 ; hi 」-> fire

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「消えない ; kienai 」-> won’t go out

「んだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

= “The fire... won’t go out.”

Again, this could refer to the fact that a literal fire is lit inside of him as he’s more emotional right now.

「燈矢」

「燈矢 ; touya 」-> Touya

= “Touya.”

This conversation is similar to two other conversations we’ve seen so far: First, Rei gives him the exact same “advice” that Endeavor has given Touya before: “Make some friends. There are more worlds than just the hero world!” and then, Rei also tells Touya that there isn’t just Endeavor, similar to how she told Shouto “You aren’t bound by his blood.” So why did these two things not work on Touya?

The first piece of advice doesn’t work because it pretty much ignores Touya’s feelings, problems, and goals. He wants to be a hero, but his father won’t let him. Similar to how his own father couldn’t just give up on his dream of being a Number One Hero, thus starting a family and his little eugenics project, Touya can’t just give up on his dream of becoming a hero. To him, it’s not even necessarily about being a hero - it’s about proving himself to his father, to have his father say “I’m glad you were born” instead of just ignoring him and only focusing on his new masterpiece, Shouto.

The second advice worked on Shouto, so why didn’t it work on Touya? Well, the two of them are the same, but they are also opposites. Shouto has only ever had negative feelings towards Endeavor since he had to witness him hit his mom and terrify his siblings. Shouto always wanted to be a hero, but he didn’t want to become like Endeavor. Shouto said that he wants to make people feel at ease, and he knows that Endeavor doesn’t make his own family feel that way, so clearly becoming like him would mean not becoming the kind of hero Shouto wants to be. So by Rei telling him that he isn’t bound by Endeavor’s blood, she’s reassuring him that he can be independent from Endeavor and doesn’t have to be like him.

So how is Touya different? Touya always wanted to be a hero, but more importantly, he wanted to be good enough in his father’s eyes because unlike Shouto, he saw the “good” days of his family. While Endeavor never unconditionally loved him like a parent should, to a kid love is love and all that matters is getting their parents’ attention. Touya had that, but then suddenly was only met with excuses of “We can’t train anymore for your own good!” which doesn’t really help a child understand why they are now being ignored. While Shouto didn’t want to become Endeavor nor did he want to be around him, all Touya ever wanted was for his father to be proud of him and view him as worthy. So of course telling him there are more worlds than just Endeavor couldn’t possibly be helpful, because how can you expect a child to just not crave their parent’s love anymore?

「早生まれの小さな身体に漸く訪れ始めた二次性徴」

「早生まれ ; hayaumare 」-> someone born between January 1 and April 1

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「小さな ; chiisana 」-> small

「身体 ; karada 」-> body

「に ; ni 」-> at

「漸く ; youyaku 」-> finally; at last

「訪れ始めた ; otozurehajimeta 」-> begin to appear

「二次 ; niji 」-> secondary

「性徴 ; seichou 」-> sexual characteristics

= “Secondary sexual characteristics finally begin to appear in the small body of someone born early in the year.”

Of course, we are all surprised that “Touya was always small because he came out of the oven a little early” isn’t a literal translation.

Hayaumare is a term that describes someone born between January 1 and April 1, since the school year in Japan starts in April and kids start going to school at age 6 and so kids born between January and April will be the youngest in their class, sometimes almost a year younger than their oldest classmates. Shouto is also a hayaumare since he is also born in January, thus one of the youngest in class 1-A. So while this doesn’t mean that he was born prematurely, he would just seem smaller in comparison to his classmates since there is still so much development happening during that time. Obviously, that doesn’t explain why he was so much shorter than Natsuo. While it’s true that Natsuo is the kid that most resembles Endeavor in appearance, Rei is also pretty tall and I believe even now taller than Dabi. I think that overall, this is more to amplify that Touya has a weak body.

Also, this is clearly a great moment for him to develop secondary sexual characteristics, which include things like body hair, only for him to burn them all off right then and there. This also means that they wouldn’t have recognized Dabi by his voice, since it wouldn’t have gotten deeper yet before he left the family.

「そうか。。。身体機能だもんな！感情の昂ぶりが火力に直結するんだ！すごいぞ俺。。。これならお父さんもきっとびっくりするぞ！」

「そうか ; souka 」-> is that so? (rhetorical)

「身体 ; shintai 」-> body

「機能 ; kinou 」-> function; feature

「だ ; da 」-> be

「もん ; mon 」-> because; indicates reason

「な ; na 」-> sentence ending particle; used to seek confirmation/ introduce new topic

「感情 ; kanjou 」-> emotion; feelings

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「昂ぶり ; takaburi 」-> excitement; stimulation

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「火力 ; karyoku」-> heating/fire power

「に ; ni 」-> to

「直結する ; chokketsu suru 」-> to directly connect

「んだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

「すごい ; sugoi 」-> incredible

「ぞ ; zo 」-> emphasizes the speaker’s will or opinion

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「これなら ; kore nara 」 - > this one

「お父さん ; otousan 」-> dad

「も ; mo 」-> also; too

「きっと ; kitto 」-> surely

「びっくりする ; bikkuri suru 」-> to be surprised

「ぞ ; zo 」-> emphasizes the speaker’s will or opinion

= “Is that so…? It’s the body function, huh! The stimulation of the emotions is directly connected to the firepower! Incredible I… this one will surely also surprise dad!”

Look at him still smiling! Wasn’t that All Might’s thing, to smile no matter what? Touya sure had that down too, still holding on to the hope that his dad would care.

「身体の変化と共にその炎は赤から蒼へと色を変えていた」

「身体 ; karada 」-> body

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「変化 ; henka 」-> transition

「と共に ; to tomo ni 」-> together with

「その ; sono 」-> that

「炎 ; honou 」-> flame

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「赤 ; aka 」-> red

「から ; kara 」-> from

「蒼 ; ao 」-> blu

「へと ; e to 」-> to

「色 ; iro 」-> color

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「変えていた ; kaeteita 」-> was changing

= “Together with the body’s transition, the flame’s color was changing from red to blue.”

「ああでも。。。くっそ昂ぶると何だって涙が出ちゃうんだろう。」

「ああ ; aa 」-> Ah

「でも ; demo 」-> but

「くっそ ; kusso 」-> extremely

「昂ぶる ; takaburu 」-> to become excited; to become aroused (of emotions)

「と ; to 」-> when

「何だって ; nandatte 」-> why?; what for?

「涙が出 ; namida ga dechau 」-> to shed tears (出る + ちゃう)

「ん ; n 」-> used for emphasis/ to show surprise

「だろう ; darou 」-> I wonder

= “Ah but… I wonder why I shed tears when I become extremely excited?”

Dechau consists of deru (to come out) and chau, which is used here to emphasize his emotions. The n after dechau is an explanatory particle and can also show surprise (basically asking for an explanation for this new discovery of him crying as a result of becoming excited).

Anyway, this is a super important new detail we now know about Dabi. In this post I talked about Dabi currently experiencing emotional numbness (in response to him telling Shouto that he doesn’t feel anything anymore), a coping mechanism that can occur after traumatic events. It doesn’t mean the person experiencing this doesn’t actually have any emotions anymore, but those feelings get repressed because sometimes it’s easier for your brain to pretend those feelings aren’t there rather than letting you become overwhelmed with extremely strong emotions. However, individuals experiencing emotional numbness might still show emotions like anger in situations where they might feel powerless or threatened.

While I still do believe that this does apply to Dabi, this chapter is proof that he still feels very strong emotions since strong emotions make his fire stronger. A little later in this chapter, we also find out that Touya was only shown how to increase his flames and not how to decrease them (imagine Endeavor teaching you how to drive lol, no thank you!) so it also seems like even now, he doesn’t have full control over his flames - or rather their intensity - since otherwise, he could have just used a weaker flame up until now instead of always using blue flames no matter what. So his flames are still controlled by his emotions, therefore showing that he still has very strong emotions now.

In other words, while he is suppressing his emotions and not fully experiencing them the same way he used to, those feelings are still very much there even if it doesn’t feel that way to him.

I think something very interesting to see would be if at some point (should someone ever properly decide to save him) someone would get through to him and we would just see his blue flames slowly turning red as he, for the first time, truly calms down...

「お父さん今度の休み瀬古杜岳に来てよ。」

「お父さん ; otousan 」-> dad

「今度 ; kondo 」-> next time

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「休み ; yasumi 」-> holiday; day off

「瀬古杜岳 ; sekototake 」-> Sekoto Peak

「に ; ni 」-> to

「来て ; kite 」-> come

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

= “Dad, come to Sekoto Peak on your next free day!”

Again, can we just appreciate how strong this child is still smiling and being hopeful despite years of being neglected and told he’s not good enough? Even now, he’s still trying and not giving up. He looks so cheerful here like he still has positive feelings for his dad here.

「火傷。。。周囲から見られない箇所での訓練。。。！」

「火傷 ; yakedo 」-> burn

「周囲 ; shuui 」-> surroundings

「から ; kara 」-> from

「見られない ; mirarenai 」-> can’t be seen

「箇所 ; kasho 」-> place

「での ; deno 」-> in (the no adds emphasis on the preceding word)

「訓練 ; kunren 」-> training

= “Burn… training in a place that can’t be seen from the surroundings…!”

「おまえまだ。。。！！」

「おまえ ; omae 」-> you

「まだ ; mada 」-> still

= “You still…!!”

Obviously, this is very different from the official translation’s “Dammit! Again?!” but I think the criticism only stems from people who think that swearing is some sort of terrible taboo way of speaking. No, he doesn’t swear in Japanese but there are so few swear words in Japanese and usually, the way you would swear is by speaking informally. Anyway, it matches his expression and you can see that he’s yelling so it’s one of those changes that aren’t that dramatic, and anyone that cries over this better also address the heavier changes in regards to Dabi and the rest of the villains. Also, as I’ve said before: the changes in Dabi’s speech are far more severe and impact how people view him as a person since the entire content is sometimes changed for the worse. He is also someone who is clearly smart and knows how to use language, so making him speak in weird ways like the official translation does definitely changes how he is perceived. Endeavor, on the other hand, is not perceived differently by the minor changes made to his speech, which don’t even affect the content. For example, with this line, he is literally yelling at his child. Saying “dammit” isn’t the reason I view him as a terrible father since him neglecting and abusing his children for over ten years at this point is enough proof for that already. Whether he swears or not doesn’t change that.

「すごい事になったんだ必ず来て！」

「すごい事になった ; sugoi koto ni natta 」-> to go crazy; to get out of hand; to end up in an extreme state

「んだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

「必ず ; kanarazu 」-> certainly; without fail

「来て ; kite 」-> come

= “It ended up in an extreme state, so you certainly have to come!”

What’s interesting here is the “sugoi koto ni natta” part, which is an expression with the above-mentioned meanings that certainly all fit Touya’s state there. But if you break it down then you have “became a terrific thing” - which is close to the “what I can do now is pretty cool!”

「焦凍にだって到達できるかどうか。。。！オールマイトにも負けないかもね！お父さんもきっと認めざるをえなくなるからさ。。。！俺をつくって良かったって思うから！」

「焦凍 ; shouto 」-> Shouto

「に ; ni 」-> at

「だって ; datte 」-> after all

「到達 ; toutatsu 」-> reaching

「できる ; dekiru 」-> to be able to

「かどうか ; kadouka 」-> whether or not

「オールマイト ; orumaito 」-> All Might

「にも ; nimo 」-> also

「負けない ; makenai 」-> don’t lose; to not be inferior to

「かも ; kamo 」-> may; might

「ね ; ne 」-> sentence ending particle; used to seek confirmation

「お父さん ; otousan 」-> dad

「も ; mo 」-> also; too

「きっと ; kitto 」-> surely

「認めざるをえなくなる ; mitomezaru o enakunaru 」-> cannot help to grow to recognize/notice (認め + ざるをえなく + なる)

「から ; kara 」-> expresses sympathy

「さ ; sa 」-> emphasis particle

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「つくって ; tsukutte 」-> to make

「良かった ; yokatta 」-> to be glad

「って思う ; tte omou 」-> to think

「から ; kara 」-> expresses sympathy

= “Whether or not I am able to reach Shouto after all…! I might also not lose to All Might, will I! Surely, you cannot help but grow to notice me too, dad...! And you will think you’re glad you made me!”

Later on, we get Endeavor and Rei both expressing that they didn’t know what to say to Touya around this time. When your child says “I will do this thing that’s damaging me to prove my worth to you and have you think it’s good that I exist!” maybe just say that you’re already glad they exist and that they’re already good enough! I’m sure parenting is hard, but affirming your child’s worth should not be one of the difficult parts of parenting.

Also, I would like to point out that the fandom has talked a lot about Touya’s jealousy towards Shouto, but I don’t fully see it. First of all, Touya is fully aware of why he and his siblings exist and therefore also knows why Endeavor is training Shouto. This doesn’t mean that Touya isn’t jealous at all, but he also doesn’t really dwell on those feelings. He sees Shouto as his competition, but not even in a negative way. If Endeavor had allowed it, Touya probably would have trained with Shouto and the two of them could have motivated each other to reach their full potential. The only reason Touya had any amount of jealousy in him was that Shouto was his replacement and as long as Shouto was around and better than Touya, it meant that Endeavor wouldn’t pay any attention to Touya. The whole “Whether or not I am able to reach Shouto” phrase shows that he recognizes that Shouto is stronger than him at the moment, but again, it comes from a place of trying to show Endeavor “Look, I can do what your masterpiece can do, too!” because he knows Endeavor is currently only impressed by Shouto. Shouto sets the bar and Touya is trying to make his father see that he can reach that bar too (probably). If Endeavor had changed his mind and let Touya and Shouto train together, then Touya might not have had any ill feelings towards Shouto, so when talking about this jealousy, please keep in mind that all roads lead back to Endeavor here and taking him out of the equation would make for a good bond between the two brothers.

「何故止めなかった冷！！！頼んだはずだ！！！」

「何故 ; naze 」-> why

「止めなかった ; tomenakatta 」-> didn’t stop

「冷 ; rei 」-> Rei

「頼んだ ; tanonda 」-> entrusted to; requested to

「はず ; hazu 」-> expectation that something took place

「だ ; da 」-> be

= “Why didn’t you stop him, Rei!!! I entrusted him to you!!!”

Hazu is used with the past tense of a verb to express negative feelings in response to something not having turned out how you expected them to.

「お母さんいじめないで！！やめて！いじめないでよ！」

「お母さん ; okaasan 」-> mom

「いじめないで ; ijimenai de 」-> don’t be cruel to

「やめて ; yamete 」-> stop

「いじめないで ; ijimenai de 」-> don’t be cruel to

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

= “Don’t be cruel to mom! Stop it! Don’t be cruel!”

「焦凍は出てろ！関係ない話だ！！」

「焦凍 ; shouto 」-> Shouto

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「出てろ ; detero 」-> get out

「関係ない ; kankei nai 」-> not involved

「話 ; hanashi 」-> conversation

「だ ; da 」-> be

= “Shouto, get out! The conversation doesn’t involve you!!”

「お母さんが何を知ってんだよ！？」

「お母さん ; okaasan 」-> mom

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「何 ; nani 」-> what

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「知ってん ; shitten 」-> knowing

「んだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

= “What do you know mom!?”

「選択肢は限られていたけれど選んで進んだのは私の足でせめてその先では笑っていようと思っていた。。。のに」

「選択肢 ; sentakushi 」-> options

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「限られていた ; kagirareteita 」-> was limited

「けれど ; keredo 」-> however

「選んで ; erande 」-> to choose

「進んだ ; sunda 」-> to live

「のは ; nowa 」-> topic maker particle

「私 ; watashi 」-> I

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「足 ; ashi 」-> foot

「で ; de 」-> on

「せめて ; semete 」-> at least

「その ; sono 」-> that

「先 ; saki ; 」-> the future; destination

「では ; dewa 」-> topic maker particle

「笑っていよう ; waratte iyou 」-> should smile

「と思っていた ; to omotteita 」-> was thinking

「のに ; noni 」-> even though; and yet

= “My options were limited, however, and yet I chose to live on my feet and thought I shall at least smile in the future.”

「私じゃ止められない。」

「私 ; watashi 」-> I

「じゃ ; ja 」-> topic marker particle

「止められない ; tomerarenai 」-> couldn’t stop

= “I couldn’t stop him.”

Again, he’s thirteen. Maybe she didn’t read enlightenment books, but she sure should have read them. And also brought Touya to a therapist.

「そして。。。あなたは行かなかった。」

「そして ; soshite 」-> and

「あなた ; anata 」-> you

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「行かなかった ; ikanakatta 」-> didn’t go

= “And… you didn’t go.”

「出るな。。。！涙なんか。。。」

「出るな ; deruna 」-> don’t come out

「涙 ; namida 」-> tears

「なんか ; nanka 」-> expresses strong emotion; used to belittle something

= “Don’t come out…! Stupid tears…”

Nanka doesn’t really have an actual translation here, but the “stupid” from the official translation conveys that nuance of belittling something pretty well.

「。。。薪をくべてしまうだけだと。。。いや。。。」

「薪 ; maki 」-> firewood

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「くべてしまう ; kubete shimau 」-> to completely burn

「だけ ; dake 」-> only

「だ ; da 」-> be

「と ; to 」-> quotation marker

「いや ; iya 」-> disagreeable

= “... I thought it’s only completely burning the firewood… no…”

The to could be interpreted in different ways since it can also mean “and” but here it makes more sense to go for what the official translation did, which is assuming that it’s the quotation marker which would normally be followed by omou (= to think).

「ちくしょう。。。」

「ちくしょう ; chikushou 」-> damn it

= “Damn it...”

「何と声を掛けたらいいのかわからなかったんだ。」

「何と ; nanto 」-> what

「声を掛けたらいい ; koe o kaketara ii 」-> should start talking (to)/ give vocal support (to)/ to let (somebody) know (声を掛けた + らいい)

「のか ; noka 」-> question marker particle seeking a clarification

「わからなかった ; wakaranakatta 」-> didn’t know

「んだ ; nda 」-> explanatory particle

= “I didn’t know what vocal support I should give.”

The official translation went for the more natural way of saying this, which is “I had no idea what to say to him.”

「おとうさ」

「お父さ ; otousa 」-> dad

= “Dad-”

「私もそうだった。」

「私 ; watashi 」-> I

「も ; mo 」-> also; too

「そう ; sou 」-> in that way; so

「だった ; datta 」-> was

= “I was also like that…”

Something that bothers me a lot about this exchange is that they both claim they didn’t know what to say to Touya, which is a weird conclusion as to where things went wrong. First of all, Touya is in all honesty probably smarter than both his parents combined and despite the translation constantly trying to make him sound like he’s speaking his own language, he has always been someone well-spoken in the sense that he chooses his words carefully as seen by how he knew exactly what to say to Aizawa in the summer camp, how politely he spoke in his broadcast, etc. He knows how to word things in order to get specific reactions out of people and be perceived however he wants to be perceived by people. More importantly, though, he had made it very clear on multiple occasions growing up what his problems were. He was always clear about his needs - wanting to train with his dad, having his dad come to the mountain with him, etc. - yet here it sounds a little like he never voiced his feelings or was somehow unable to comprehend what his parents told him.

Second of all, saying they didn’t know what to say to him makes it feel more like the whole thing was just a one-time slip and not years and years of problems piling up until it all collapsed. They knew Touya wasn’t fine. They saw him try to attack Shouto, they knew that he continued training and didn’t stop, they knew he wanted Endeavor’s attention.

As mentioned earlier, their advice failed because neither of his parents could practice what they preached. Endeavor telling Touya to give up on his goal of surpassing All Might and becoming a hero failed because Endeavor himself couldn’t stop to the point he started a whole family in the hopes that one of his children could do what he wasn’t able to. Rei telling Touya that he looks like he’s suffering and that he should find out who he really wants to become failed because Touya was aware that Rei didn’t marry Endeavor out of her own will but for her parents’ sake. And the thing is, he told them. He told them both that this advice wasn’t good enough, and then they just gave up. One piece of advice was what they deemed trying hard enough and now they boil it down to “I didn’t know what to say to him” even though the real reason Touya “died” was because they gave up on him from the start.

「わあっ。」

「わあっ ; waa 」-> Waa

= “Waa.”

「あれは熱かったな。」

「あれ ; are 」-> that

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「熱かった ; atsukatta 」-> was hot

「な ; na 」-> sentence ending particle; used to seek confirmation

= “That was hot, wasn’t it.”

「あつ。。。！止まらない！炎がー！！」

「あつ ; atsu 」-> hot

「止まらない ; tomaranai 」-> can’t stop

「炎 ; honou 」-> flame

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

= “Hot…! I can’t stop! The flames are-!!”

「ま自業自得だよな。」

「ま ; ma 」-> well; you might say

「自業自得 ; jigoujitoku 」-> paying for one’s mistakes; getting one’s just deserts; suffering the consequences (of one’s own actions); reap what you sow

「だ ; da 」-> be

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

「な ; na 」-> sentence ending particle; used to seek confirmation

= “Well, you reap what you sow, don’t you?”

I know we all made fun of the “that’s just deserts'' line in the official translation, but that is, in fact, one of the actual dictionary definitions of jigoujitoku. And to be fair, Touya was a smart kid. Maybe he just knows all these strange expressions no one ever uses. Maybe the official translation is onto something here… but to the rest of us, who never heard anyone say this before, it just sounds weird. Maybe we’re just all too stupid for Dabi…

「火力の上げ方しか教えてくれなかったもんなあ。」

「火力 ; karyoku」-> heating/firepower

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「上げ ; age 」-> raising

「方 ; kata 」-> way of; method of

「しか ; shika 」-> only (with neg. verb)

「教えてくれなかった ; oshiete kurenakatta 」-> taught (教えて + くれなかった)

「もん ; mon 」-> because; indicates reason/ excuse/ dissatisfaction

「なあ ; naa 」-> used to say something emotionally when looking back on the past

= “Looking back, he only taught me the way of raising the firepower.”

Again, the kure in oshiete kurenakatta is used when saying that something was done for the speaker.

When speaking to yourself, naa at the end of the sentence can be used when reflecting on the past, as Dabi does here, which makes it sound like he wasn’t necessarily aware of this before or at least wasn’t aware of it back then. I know there were some people when the spoilers came out that claimed that Touya had obviously faked his death on purpose, but aside from nothing pointing to that as it is, this part makes it especially obvious that he didn’t do it on purpose. Touya was clearly surprised that his fire grew so strong there and that he was unable to stop it. And the naa here indicates that if he had been aware back then that he never learned how to properly control his flames, then he might have been able to prevent this incident from happening.

「あの日全て諦めていれば。」

「あの ; ano 」-> that

「日 ; hi 」-> day

「全て ; subete 」-> all; everything

「諦めていれば ; akirameteireba 」-> had given up (conditional)

= “If only I had given everything up that day.”

THIS would have to be about the saddest sentences in this chapter and I haven’t really seen a lot of people mention this. This is Dabi reflecting on the day where his life completely changed and although he just had quite a success by revealing his identity and broadcasting the truth about his family to the whole country, he’s looking back on the day he almost died and thinks “if only I had given everything up on that day.” If you didn’t think he was suicidal before, here is your proof. Yes, he’s freer now in the sense that Endeavor can’t tell him what to do anymore (not like that worked before anyway), but this is still not the life little Touya had wanted. He wanted to be a hero and someone his father could be proud of, and yet here he is as a villain whose sole purpose is to kill Endeavor. So not only is he still not free from his life being dictated by Endeavor, but he also turned himself into someone he never wanted to be. While revealing his true identity to the country was somewhat of a victory for him, it doesn’t change that he won’t ever get back all the years Endeavor took from him. He might be fighting, but deep down he’d rather just be dead.

「燈矢を殺してしまったことで後に引けなくなっていた。。。焦凍に傾倒する他。。。なくなっていた。」

「燈矢 ; touya 」-> Touya

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「殺してしまった ; koroshiteshimatta 」-> was killed completely (殺して + しまった)

「ことで ; koto de 」-> nominalizes the preceding phrase

「後に引けなくなっていた ; ato ni hikenaku natteita 」-> couldn’t stop

「焦凍 ; shouto 」-> Shouto

「に ; ni 」-> to

「傾倒する ; keitou suru 」-> to devote oneself to

「他なくなっていた ; hoka naku natteita 」-> can do nothing but; have no other choice but

= “I couldn’t stop after I completely killed Touya… I couldn’t do anything except devoting myself to Shouto.”

As mentioned before, verb + shimau can mean that an action was done completely, but it can also mean that something was done regrettably. This is one of those cases, where both meanings can apply. Endeavor completely killed Touya, thus Dabi was born, but this is also regrettable since Touya shouldn’t have died. It’s just weird to admit that you're responsible (and cry about it in front of your victims) and then also blame the victim for how you treated your other victim.

「燈矢が消えて。。。エスカレートしていくあなたが悍ましくて。。。こどもたちにまで面影を見るようになってしまった。」

「エスカレートしていく ; esukareeto shite iku 」-> to continue escalating

「あなた ; anata 」-> you

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「悍ましくて ; ozomashikute 」-> disgusting; repulsive

「こどもたち ; kodomotachi 」-> children

「に ; ni 」-> in

「まで ; made 」-> until

「面影 ; omokage 」-> face

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「見る ; miru 」-> to see

「ようになってしまった」-> completely reached the point that

= “Continuing to escalate, you were repulsive... until I completely reached the point of seeing your face in the children.”

Okay, first things first. Rei’s line created a lot of confusion since it contradicts what Fuyumi says in chapter 250, where she mentions that Touya died shortly after Rei was hospitalized. This tweet from the official bnha twitter account states that the “Touya disappeared and…” part in Rei’s line in this chapter was a mistake and will be erased in the volume release, so I didn’t include that part in here. I do think that this scene overall makes no sense, then, though, since the idea here is that Touya’s “death” made Endeavor worse, made Endeavor become abusive, made Rei pour the boiling hot water on Shouto, made Endeavor put Rei into a mental hospital. But that’s not true.

Endeavor saying that he started to obsess over Shouto after Touya died is also weird, since we all know that he was already obsessed with him before and didn’t pay attention to any of the other children, which is exactly what led to Touya dying when Endeavor couldn’t even be bothered to go to the mountain with him one time.

「壊れてるのを知りながら。。。怖くて踏み込めなかった。。。上っ面で繕うことしか。。。してこなかった。」

「壊れてる ; kowareteru 」-> to be broken

「のを ; no o 」-> nominalizer + object marker

「知り ; shiri 」-> to know; to be aware of

「ながら ; nagara 」-> while

「怖くて ; kowakute 」-> scary

「踏み込めなかった ; fumikomenakatta 」-> wasn’t able to step into

「上っ面 ; uwattsura 」-> surface; apppearances

「で ; de 」-> at

「繕う ; tsukurou 」-> to fix; to cover up (mistakes); to keep up appearances

「こと ; koto 」-> things

「しか ; shika 」-> only (with neg. verb)

「してこなかった ; shite konakatta 」-> continued to do

= “While I knew it was broken... I was scared and unable to step in… I only continued to… fix things on the surface.”

Tsukurou has several meanings like “to fix” and “to keep up appearances” so that’s probably why the official translation included both meanings here. The Japanese also only says “scared” and not “too scared” like the official English translation, though this is most likely just done to make it sound more natural. Another difference is that in the official translation, Fuyumi says “All I could do” whereas in Japanese she said that she “only continued to” fix things on the surface. The panel also shows a small flashback of Endeavor dragging Touya away and Rei trying to stop him, while Fuyumi is standing in the background and slightly turned away. She’s shown in the sailor uniform that is typically worn by middle school students, so she would be around 12 years old, which was around the time Touya “died” - obviously at that age there wasn’t really anything she could have done against Endeavor so the translation isn’t entirely incorrect, however, judging by Touya telling Natsuo that he can’t talk to Fuyumi because she doesn’t understand, it seems like she probably always tried to remain impartial instead of siding with her older brother. While she couldn’t have stopped Endeavor, she could have at least been there for Touya as emotional support - which, might I add, is her whole purpose for existing - so that’s why saying that she “continued to” only fix things on the surface is a more accurate line.

「全部あなたが始めた事であなたが原因だーでも

俺がぶん殴って燈矢兄と向かい合わせてやれてたら。。。荼毘は生まれてなくて焦凍に盛り蕎麦をご馳走してやれてたかもしれない。」

「全部 ; zenbu 」-> all

「あなた ; anata 」-> you

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「始めた ; hajimeta 」-> to start

「事 ; koto 」-> situation; incident

「で ; de 」-> and

「あなた ; anata 」-> you

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「原因 ; genin 」-> cause

「だ ; da 」-> be

「でも ; demo 」-> but

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「ぶん殴って ; bunnagutte 」-> to hit hard; to give a hard blow

「燈矢兄 ; touya nii 」-> Touya-Nii

「と ; to 」-> with

「向かい合わせてやれて ; mukaiawasete yarete 」-> let someone face each other

「たら ; tara 」-> if

「荼毘 ; dabi 」-> Dabi

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「生まれてなくて ; umaretenakute 」-> wouldn’t have been born

「焦凍 ; shouto 」-> Shouto

「に ; ni 」-> to

「盛り蕎麦 ; mori soba 」-> cold soba

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「ご馳走してやれてた ; gochisou shite yareteta 」-> to treat someone to a meal

「かもしれない ; kamoshirenai 」-> may; might; possibly

= “You started all of this situation and you are the cause - but if I had hit you hard and could have let you face Touya-Nii, then Dabi wouldn’t have been born and he might have been able to treat Shouto to mori soba.”

The yarete that appears twice in this sentence is the potential form of yaru, which is used when something is given/done for someone from someone with higher status to someone with lower status. In combination with the causative form (making someone do something) as is the case with mukaiawasete, it changes the nuance from simply making someone do something to allow someone to do something.

Concerning this line, there was a huge difference between the fan translation that I read and the official translation. While the official translation matches with the Japanese line by having Natsuo say that he should have punched Endeavor (can we appreciate how funny that would have been, but also sad if TWO of your children have to stand up to you because you mistreat another family member), the fan translation that I first read had Natsuo say that he should have punched and faced Touya, which is a very different message. Fortunately, that doesn’t make sense and isn’t the actual line, though.

More importantly, mori soba??? I thought Shouto’s favorite kind of soba was zaru soba (it’s basically the same, but zaru soba has nori seaweed on top)…

「責任はあなただけのものじゃない。今回のことは私たち全員の責任。心が砕けても私たちが立たせます。あなたは荼毘と戦うしかないの。」

「責任 ; sekinin 」-> responsibility

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「あなた ; anata 」-> you

「だけ ; dake 」-> only

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「もの ; mono 」-> thing

「じゃない ; janai 」-> isn’t

「今回 ; konkai 」-> this time

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「こと ; koto 」-> situation; circumstance

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「私たち ; watashitachi 」-> we

「全員 ; zenin 」-> all members; everyone

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「責任 ; sekinin 」-> responsibility

「心 ; kokoro 」-> heart

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「砕けて ; kudakeru 」-> breaking

「も ; mo 」-> even if

「私たち ; watashitachi 」-> we

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「立たせます ; tatasemasu 」-> make someone stand up

「あなた ; anata 」-> you

「は ; wa 」-> topic marker particle

「荼毘 ; dabi 」-> Dabi

「と ; to 」-> with

「戦う ; tatakau 」-> to fight

「しかない ; shika nai 」-> have no choice but

「の ; no 」-> explanatory particle

= “The responsibility isn’t only yours. We are all responsible for this time’s circumstances. Even if your heart is breaking, we will make you stand up. You have no choice but to fight Dabi.”

This is one of those lines that really make you wonder whether the character is supposed to be like that or if the author just doesn’t understand what he’s writing. It’s questionable - to say the least - to say they are all responsible this time. While I continue to wonder how the non-heroes of the family are supposed to do anything here, why would a mother expect her children to be part of this? They are civilians and she expects them to somehow take care of saving their villain brother? Sorry, but she wasn’t even able to stop Touya from going outside to train, and now she expects her children to do better than her? No.

There’s also something very odd about her referring to him as Dabi. I understand that this is done to say that they intend on fighting Dabi and not Touya, and it’s true that Touya is in a way dead and Dabi was born instead. However, the problem with this idea of fighting “Dabi” is that it suggests that Dabi could somehow be killed while Touya survives when that is not at all how helping somehow who has been traumatized works. You can’t just reset him and somehow get him back to the state he was in prior to the traumatic experience (especially when the traumatic experience was basically his whole life). They won’t be able to just kill Dabi and have him go back to who he used to be because he has never been allowed to just be himself. Dabi is now a part of him. And not just that, but Dabi is the result of the trauma and thus functions as Touya’s surviving mechanism. This doesn’t mean that Dabi can’t be redeemed or be saved, it’s just that this idea of fighting Dabi and removing Dabi from Touya is bound to end in failure because that’s an impossible task and, again, the wrong approach to this.

Why exactly is a mother asking her and her children’s abuser to fight her child? Them going against Touya is what caused Dabi’s existence in the first place, which is what the conversation is more or less about, and yet she continues to think that fighting him is the right option here? A lot of people have suggested that this is done to cause a problem later down the line with Hawks and Best Jeanist listening in on the conversation and probably assuming the family doesn’t intend on saving Dabi in any way. But this is still a somewhat weak argument for two reasons: One, Hawks and Best Jeanist talk with the Todofam in chapter 303 and tell them that they will help to fight Dabi, so them teaming up means they should discuss this a little more and with that, there shouldn’t be any problems in terms of communication; and two, anything that happens in a story still has to be believable. If there is an issue or conflict it’s absolutely vital to convince the readers that this couldn’t somehow be prevented or easily resolved. But Rei isn’t vague here. She literally talks about Endeavor having to fight Dabi. So even if this is just in order for the other characters to misunderstand her, I do find it odd for a mother to suggest that her abusive husband should fight their child instead of finally acting like a parent and saving this child.

Until we know what exactly the family is going to do, we can’t determine whether this is just Horikoshi’s writing or if he intentionally made Rei like this, but for now, this just seems like a really weird thing to say. And even Endeavor can see this as shown in the next line:

「おまえ。。。本当に。。。冷か。。。？」

「おまえ ; omae 」-> you

「本当に ; hontou ni 」-> really

「冷 ; rei 」-> Rei

「か ; ka 」-> question marker particle

= “You… are you really… Rei…?”

「私たちよりよっぽど辛いハズの子が恨んで当然の私を再びお母さんと呼んでくれた。」

「私たち ; watashitachi 」-> us

「より ; yori 」-> than

「よっぽど ; yoppodo 」-> greatly; to a large extent

「辛い ; tsurai 」-> painful; difficult (emotionally)

「ハズ ; hazu 」-> ought to; should be

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「子 ; ko 」-> child

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「恨んで ; urande 」-> to bear a grudge against; to resent

「当然 ; touzen 」-> it’s natural to

「の ; no 」-> explanatory particle

「私 ; watashi 」-> I

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「再び ; futatabi 」-> again; once more

「お母さん ; okaasan 」-> mom

「と呼んでくれた ; to yondekureta 」-> called (と呼んで + くれた)

= “It’s natural for the child that should be in more pain than us to resent me. He called me mom again.”

Originally, I thought this was about Touya since these chapters are about his backstory. But then someone asked me whether this was actually about Shouto and someone else also pointed out that the next line is about Shouto, so it makes more sense that this is about him. And this is what I mean when I say that this writing is contradictory. How do they all reflect on the past, recognize that they didn’t understand Touya and neglected him and didn’t know how to be parents to him, but then say that Shouto is the one that suffered more than the rest of them? Obviously, it’s not a competition, and comparing who has it the worst is not helpful at all, but Dabi is literally alone right now and has been alone his whole life, while Shouto at least has his family and emotional support right now. Do they not hear what they are saying? How are they so dumb? Shouto also literally never resented you or stopped calling you mom, so maybe shift your focus to Touya? No wonder he left.

「雄英高校で��友だちをつくって私たちをつなぎとめてくれた。焦凍が轟家（ウチ）のヒーローになってくれたのよ。」

「雄英高校 ; yuuei koukou 」-> U.A. High School

「で ; de 」-> at

「お友だち ; otomodachi 」-> friends

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「つくって ; tsukutte 」-> to make

「私たち ; watashitachi 」-> we

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「つなぎとめてくれた ; tsunagitomete kureta 」-> saved (someone’s life)

「焦凍 ; shouto 」-> Shouto

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「轟家 ; todoroki uchi 」-> Todoroki household

「ウチ ; uchi 」-> one’s own family

「の ; no 」-> possessive particle; similar to an apostrophe

「ヒーロー ; hiro 」-> hero

「になってくれた ; ni natte kureta 」-> became

「の ; no 」-> explanatory particle

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

= “He made friends at U.A. and saved us. Shouto has really become our hero.”

Here we have another case of Kanji and Furigana being different. While the Kanji (what the character means) says “Todoroki household” the Furigana (what the character says) simply says “One’s family” and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure why there is a difference here. Like yes, obviously, by family she’s referring to the Todoroki family.

Anyway, this is probably the worst sentence in this entire chapter. There is nothing inherently bad about saying that Shouto is a good person and that he helped his family. However, he is a literal child. A minor. And a victim in this, just like his siblings - just like Touya. None of the kids are responsible for their family’s well-being or for correcting their parents’ mistakes, and yet here we are. Shouto shouldn’t have to be the family’s hero and feel the need to save his brother just because both his parents failed to be parents. Don’t get me wrong, I agree that Endeavor wouldn’t possibly get through to Dabi now (although realistically, Natsuo is the only one that could really get through to him) so it makes sense to get Shouto involved. But everyone praising him just further shows their inability to recognize that this exact mindset is what caused the problems in the first place. This whole idea of someone - specifically Shouto - being the one in the family who is able to be a great hero is what was part of Touya’s mental downfall. It’s also a harmful statement to make in general, as it pushes the “good victim, bad victim” mentality, where Shouto is seen as the good victim for being able to stay on a good path, live his life in a normal way and still speak with his parents, whereas Touya ended up turning himself into a villain and essentially throwing his whole life away in order to ruin Endeavor’s life, too. Aside from the fact that this mentality is problematic in itself by making it seem like there’s a right and wrong way to be a victim and that people who end up not being able to just move on from their trauma are somehow worthless and don’t deserve to get help, this sentence also shows the problem the family has: not learning from the past. Despite all the self-reflection we’re shown in this chapter with each family member expressing what they did wrong, they then continue to not change at all and just continue to demonize Touya. They are taking responsibility and admitting that they were wrong, just ignoring the problems and not saying the right things to him, but by claiming that Shouto is the hero of the family they continue to neglect why Touya ended up the way he did. Shouto was supported in reaching his goals. Obviously, Endeavor wanted Shouto to become a hero, but Shouto also always wanted to be a hero on his own accord. His mom reassured him that he could be whatever hero he wanted to be and not just be the next Endeavor. He was always supported both in his journey of becoming a hero and also emotionally through his family and his friends. That isn’t to say that he is somehow less of a victim, but it’s important to acknowledge that the reason he ended up on the “good path” was that he had people that reminded him that he wasn’t Endeavor and that he was free to be his own person. He was never held back from reaching his goals.

Touya, on the other hand, received the exact opposite treatment. He was kept from pursuing his goal and was only met with cheap excuses as to why he shouldn’t train, yet none of those arguments ever worked on him and so he continued to train on his own for almost ten years. Despite both his parents knowing about this, they never did more than just say “stop training” and thus actively ignored his problems. Even when he lashed out to Rei, she just watched as he walked away. It’s not surprising he calls her and Fuyumi useless when both of them sided with Endeavor instead of acknowledging his pain. Of course, he was going to end up on a “bad path” when he didn’t have a proper support system.

So saying that Shouto is the family’s hero might sound like an innocent compliment at first glance, but it only further shows how little the family understands why Touya has become Dabi, which becomes a bigger problem when they want to save him, something they won’t be able to do as long as they continue to fail to really see him and his pain.

「ここに。。。来る前お母さんと話した。おまえが。。。もう戦えねェと思って俺がやるしかねェって思ってた。。。でも違うみてえだ。」

「ここ ; koko 」-> here

「に ; ni 」-> to

「来る ; kuru 」-> to come

「前 ; mae」-> before

「お母さん ; okaasan 」-> mom

「と ; to 」-> with

「話した ; hanashita 」-> spoke

「おまえ ; omae 」-> you

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「もう ; mou 」-> yet

「戦えねェ ; tatakaenee 」-> unable to fight/ compete against

「と思って ; to omotte 」-> thought

「俺 ; ore 」-> I

「が ; ga 」-> subject marker particle

「やる ; yaru 」-> to do

「しか ; shika 」-> only (with neg. verb)

「ねェっ ; neee 」-> not

「て思ってた ; te omotteta 」-> was thinking

「でも ; demo 」-> but

「違う ; chigau 」-> to differ

「みてえ ; mitee 」-> looks; seems

「だ ; da 」-> be

= “Here… before coming, I spoke with mom. You… I thought you couldn’t fight anymore and I was thinking only I would do it.... but, it seems different.”

「泣き終わったら立てよ。皆で燈矢兄を止めに行こう」

「泣き終わったら ; nakiowattara 」-> when you’re done crying

「立て ; tate 」-> stand up

「よ ; yo 」-> emphasis particle

「皆 ; minna 」-> everyone

「で ; de 」-> with

「燈矢兄 ; touya nii 」-> Touya-Nii

「を ; o 」-> direct object marker

「止めに行こう ; tome ni ikou 」-> let’s go stop

= “When you’re done crying, stand up. Let’s go stop Touya-Nii with everyone.”

Anyway, that concludes the comparison for chapter 302, which took a while to make because, to be honest, this is a very odd chapter. I know people continue to view this as the Todofam intending on saving Dabi, but the problem is simply that the present time scenes don’t really make sense in context with the flashbacks. Endeavor crying for three chapters straight somehow symbolizes that he regrets the past and has changed when in reality, none of them fully understand where everything went wrong and are trying to fix the problem incorrectly. It feels a bit as though they are downplaying what happened and how much Endeavor and Rei are responsible for Dabi’s existence by simply boiling it down to them not knowing what to say to Touya and by having both Fuyumi and Natsuo say they are also responsible without their parents telling them that they were children and thus could not possibly be held responsible the same way.

Personally, I’m glad that the focus seems to be shifting away from this storyline for now because it was really hard to read this chapter with all these weird lines. While I do continue to hope that Dabi will be redeemed and saved by the end of the story, I also still think that Horikoshi isn’t writing this in a good way, considering the contradictions and the constant “good vs. bad victim” mentality that all these characters are constantly voicing paired with the really odd ways characters are acting at the moment (= Rei in chapter 303???). It’s odd they want Endeavor to be involved in this and even weirder that they (in chapter 303) accept Hawks and Best Jeanist wanting to be part of this too, when they all saw the broadcast and thus all saw that Hawks killed Twice, aka Dabi’s friend and someone on the same side as him, which makes it feel like they are either too dumb to realize or simply don’t care that there is a high chance that Hawks is just going to end up killing (or at least trying to) Dabi, too. It’s also odd that Rei is apologizing to both Hawks and Best Jeanist since Dabi hasn’t done anything to Best Jeanist so what’s up with that? Anyway, she better apologize to Dabi too...

Anyway, so right now, the translation differences aren’t so much a problem as the writing in itself is and for now, we will probably have to wait a while to see how this storyline will continue and how exactly they plan on taking care of Dabi.

Thanks for reading!

#translation #302 #todoroki #dabi #touya #bnha #mine #japanese #shouto

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littlefreya · 4 years

Text

Good Girl

gif credit amancanfly

Synopsis: Henry is at the gym testing the new Glute Drive while his longing wife drops by to visit and decides to play a little wicked game of teasing.

Pairing: Henry Cavill x OFC

Word count: 4.2K

Warnings: Explicit, this is basically ALL smut. Slight SubMale / DomFem then a lot of DomMale / SubFem, dry humping, cock teasing, dangerous driving, fingering, dirty talk, daddy kink, slight size kink (I am all the kinks today), unprotected sex and bodily fluids!

A/N: Okay so this fic was born out of the UNHOLY union between this thread and the video of Henry going “good boy” at Kal. Many thanks to my darling @agniavateira for helping me proofread this!

Title: Good Girl

There he is, my bear of a man. His sculpted, wide body plastered to some medieval-looking torture device. Strong, large arms hang onto the handles, muscles flexing. Slick with sweet sweat, he thrusts his hips up and down while grunting with effort.

Who the hell came up with this air-fucking machine?

I walk through the deserted mirrored room, my black painted nails scratching the glass as I draw closer toward Henry. Gyms tend to be freezing, and I’m not properly dressed for a workout session with my mini plaid skirt and a dark grey t-shirt. But his arduous gasps fill the chilled space enough to make things a little warmer.

“What are you doing here, little one?” Henry finally asks, pausing his thrusts for a moment as he spots my cattish moves toward him.

I observe silently as I inch closer. he has his waist strapped to a bench, heavy weights of 80kg are on each side of his body while he lifts upward and presses his behind back down. A sheer layer of sweat covers him entirely, his skin glistening in the fluorescent’s light. His favourite blue top is soaked.

“I came home from the studio and my hubby wasn’t there.” I pout, standing right at the edge of the bench where his feet are pressed for support.

He pouts back at me, genuine care on his face. My darling bear might have the endurance of a large predator, but his heart is all strawberry marshmallow when it comes to his lady. He hates to spend time apart. Whenever our schedules collide it’s all about Face-timing and sending nudes.

Honestly? I care less than he does about this shit ever getting leaked. I even keep some steamy under-the-cover selfies so I’ll have something to work with when either of us is away.

But what I hate the most, is having him here yet he’s absent. The Pre-production shenanigans have him preparing for his next role, which usually means working himself at the gym to the point of collapsing, just so he could look like some demi-god. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind him having a little body fat. That’s why I bake him pizza every weekend. What his gym coach doesn’t know, can’t hurt him.

“I’ll be done in 10 minutes, darling.” he answers and continues to slowly push down and up again, releasing a pained grunt and clenching his teeth. “Just… two… more… sets.”

“I don’t want to wait.” I alert him, circling the machine carefully to not get in his way. I appreciate the hard work and stamina, but I am quite tired of having the downside of the deal. Every day for the last 2 weeks I received an exhausted Cavill with aching, strained muscles. The most action I got was massaging his muscles in the bathtub which might sound romantic if not for him snoring 3 minutes in.

“Ten minutes,” he mentions again. He’s out of breath as he ascends and then lowers once more, the weights pressuring his body down while the bands create a resistance.

No way in hell someone came up with this device and didn’t think this is a sex thing. I see my bear thrusting his hips upward like this and only one thing goes through my mind.

Oh, how I need to be on top of this mountain of a man.

I cannot help myself, nor can I hide the malicious grin forming on my mouth. I lift my leg carefully, hovering it in the air above him. I cage him between my straddled legs whilst giving him my best dominatrix glare. Henry raises his eyes to meet mine, looking dumbfounded.

“What are you doing, darling? You’ll hurt yourself.”

Oh, sweet summer child.

I sway my hips in a slow dance, with the thrust of his body and his heavy breaths as the music I’m dancing to. The arousal in his eyes is evident within seconds. His lips part away slowly, his beautiful blue eyes begin to cloud, and his adam’s apple slides upward in his throat as he swallows.

“At home.”

“Here.” I ignore his request lowering myself slowly and carefully to squat over his groin. He’s not hard, yet.

Henry releases a deep loud grunt. Usually, I am weightless for him, but right now I’m adding to already 160kg of weights. Well, he is the type of guy who likes to push his limits and I am the type of girl who likes to test boundaries.

“Don’t,” Henry protests, another grunt escaping his lips. I stretch myself, my ass pressing back, my groin rubbing against the tender muscle that begins hardening between my legs. I can feel the rush of blood, making him throb and grow vast between my legs.

“Don’t do what?” I press my teeth against the lushness of my lower lip viciously, beginning to grind against the hardness in slow circular motions. “Don’t you have two more sets?”

He clenches his teeth, his hands tightening around the handles so harshly his knuckles whiten. With great effort he lifts up, succumbing to my wickedness. His erected cock is concealed underneath his clothes, yet I press and dance onto it, making blissful moans as the friction has me singing that sweet familiar tune.

When he pulls down I dive with him, feeling the exhale of his body and the dancing twitch of muscles. I greatly anticipate the next push upward, my hands reaching to squeeze my breasts together. My panties are now soaked with moisture as I press and rub, bringing myself closer.

When he lifts again, his thrust is a wee bit faster. He’s either getting used to my weight on his groin, or the adrenaline of the beast that I’ve been teasing allows him to push higher. He angles his hips into mine, serving my need, and gives me the friction I demand. His eyes meet mine and pure darkness devours me within them.

I am in so much fucking trouble, but it’s so worth it.

“Oh Henry, you’re making me so wet.”

I moan his name, rubbing myself on his cock at a demanding speed while he lifts up and down. My clit tingles, swollen against his enormous bulge as that familiar wave begins to spread. He’s so hard, so painfully swollen, and so incapable of getting any release while I ride him into a powerful orgasm.

I clutch his thighs, desperate gasps spiralling out my mouth as the pleasure continues to hit my core. My nails dig deep into the hardened flesh but I can’t be bothered.

“Oh god…” I throw my head backwards, trying to adjust my breath while my legs are shaking around his wide waist. There’s still a throbbing hardness against my burning core, the angry drumming of blood pulsating against my opening.

I’m tempted to take my phone and capture his looks in my camera. But I’m in too much trouble as it is. Henry is drenched in sweat, upset in ways I’ve never seen in my life. He's done with his workout for today, no doubt about that.

“Are you done?” he asks me with a frown.

I lick my lips and lift myself up, knees nearly giving up as my legs are still numb from the intensity of pleasure. I let out a provoking giggle, putting my finger between my teeth, knowing he likes that gesture. This is my favourite battle, control. He enjoys superiority with his physical power, but every now and then I sweep the rug beneath his feet. And though he loves it when I am his good girl, sprawling and letting him take what he wants, when I am bad, the beast is willing to split my ass in half.

Guess I won this round.

Henry unbuckles the harness from his waist as I step back. He takes the towel from the bench and wipes his face. My eyes fixate on the still hard swelling in his nether area. I could offer to take care of it for him, but I am not feeling this generous right now. Better keep his stamina for home, so I can actually get me a proper shag in a nice, clean bed with a nice, clean husband that doesn’t smell like an entire rugby team.

“Go wait in the reception.” he demands, his tone anything but sweet right now.

“Don’t take too long.” I demand in return as I turn around, flipping back my hair and letting it slide down my ass. I can hear his frustrated groan behind me, just before I leave the room. It makes me lose myself in a burst of chuckles.

~*~

Henry meets me downstairs, a serious expression on his face. His gaze doesn’t meet mine, letting me know that unlike myself, he is vastly unamused. He takes my wrist in his big hand and leads me outside while smiling to bid bored receptionist goodbye.

I am forced to follow his large strides. Being a tall man, every step of his is equal to three small ones of mine. Even though it seems like his “problem” subsided, he’s not exactly interested in waiting.

He’d always be tender in his behaviour towards me, a respectful gentleman who knows how to treat women. Sure, he can rearrange a guy’s skull, but he never raised his voice at me. He’d take a walk outside the house and then return to so we can have a talk like adults.

But this is not a fight. This is but our favourite little war. Ongoing from the day we met.

I notice that we are not going to the car. Instead, he leads me to a narrow, dark space between two buildings. I can smell the damp sidewalk, the scent of earlier rain filling my nose. This spot is anything but romantic or erotic, with street cats screeching at the back and the sounds of trash cans being hit as they bounce on top of the lids.

Finally, he towers above me. His hand lets go of mine and hold it open in front of me with a demanding look in his eyes.

“Take off your panties.”

I let out a bemused laugh, dry and short as I am uncertain of his odd demand. But he holds out his hand at the stern request, motioning for me to do as I’m told.

“Here?!” I ask, looking around to see if there is anyone who might be a voyeur on our little engagement. The last thing I need is our agents scolding us again for photos of us being inappropriate in public places. Gretchen swears we make these mess on purpose. We kinda do, because we can’t keep away from one another.

“You want another one of your fancy pairs turned into rubbish?” he threatens.

I comply, breathing out like a brat and leaning down to take off my underwear for him. I place it in his hand and move back against the wall, anticipating his next move. I guess “Cavill and wife caught doing cardio after the gym!” could be a funny headline, better than the one at the hotel at the Academy Awards.

Henry folds the small material in his hand, holding it in his fist as if it’s something he can actually squeeze, before shoving it into his pocket. He grabs something else in exchange. I hear the chink of his car keys, dangling between his fingers as he offers them to me.

“You drive.”

There are no explanations, nor can I make anything of his behaviour. My man is willed with the control of his emotions. To outburst is to be weak, I am keen on that, my own terrible flaw. It only pisses me off more to see him keeping himself so relaxed while I am always the one who sees fire.

I follow his order, walking after him silently as he leads me to where he parked the car. Having no underwear beneath my short skirt is anything but convenient right now, especially when I have to enter the vehicle and crouch down.

I try fixing my skirt to cover myself, feeling the leather of the seat beneath my ass and other regions while Henry begins messing with the music player. I can see the small smirk at the corner of his lip, it’s evident that he’s having himself a good time knowing how uncomfortable I am at this very moment.

I roll my eyes at him and try closing my knees together as much as I can while stepping my foot on the gas.

He puts on Queens of the Stone Age and takes the passenger seat back, remembering he needs more legroom than I usually require. His head turns to face me, his lips sucked into his mouth in a cunning gesture.

“Had yourself a good time?”

His hand reaches toward my knee, grazing at the bone with featherlike movements. It tickles, I am forced to move my knee from him involuntarily, but he keeps it in place, resting his entire large hand on my kneecap.

“I’m driving…” I warn him, keeping my hands on the wheel and my eyes on the road.

I can tell he is smirking wickedly, his eyes staring at the road ahead of us carefully and then back at me. His fingers make their way up my thigh, snakelike on my bare skin. His palm is large and warm, pressing onto my inner thigh while his thumb draws invisible circles on my skin.

“Henry…” I warn again, feeling cool air blowing against my lips as he forces my legs to part wider for him. “You’ll get us killed!”

“Then focus on the road.” he commands, licking his lips. His fingers meet my wetness in a touch so tender it’s almost a phantasm, yet still there, undoubtedly making me swallow a sigh and squirm slightly in my seat. It’s as if he is testing the water first, a slight brush before plunging in and damn if he doesn’t push into me with his fingers, pressing three of his large digits to massage my heat.

“Fuck!”

I am fighting to keep my eyes open, my hands clutching at the steering wheel while my left foot kicks at the floor.

“Maybe we should stop.” I suggest, nearly pleading.

“Keep driving, we’re almost home.” he answers, sounding relaxed. The amused grin has vanished from his face, replaced with the severeness of pride and triumph.

He strokes my cunt between his fingers in a tight grip, his fingers running up and down, playing with my wetness, smearing it across his hand before plunging two of his knuckles inside me as we stop at a red light. I am very much aware that other drivers might see us, so does he, but he seems to care very little if anyone spots him pleasing his wife.

“Aww…” he mocks me, hearing the helpless cry that pushes out of my throat. “You shouldn’t have been such a bad little girl.” he teases some more, his fingers now plunging in and out with excitement. I allow myself to grind at the surface of his palm to achieve more friction at the base of my clit so maybe we can finish this quickly before the light is green.

But he’s the one in charge of my satisfaction now. He holds his hand further, so I will have none of it and keeps the stimulation only at the rim of my cunt, his fingers circling my entrance.

“Too bad you had to tease me like that.” he murmurs in his low voice, his fingers slowly withdrawing and only his thumb grants my clit with a small tender brush.

“Now you’ll have to wait, and be a good girl for daddy.”

I let out another cry, arching toward the wheel and biting on my lips. It's not out of pleasure, but out of torturous frustration as he withdraws completely. I give him a quick, infuriated stare, seeing how he sucks his fingers victoriously, enjoying every single drop of his sweet win.

Feeling slick between my thighs, I press slightly harder on the gas pedal, trying to get us home faster. Henry pumps the volume of the music player higher.

Watch you come from above

I'm so needy for love, I'm desperate,

Greedy in slavery I sneak around from behind I got a one track mind We got a skin on skin thing baby I want to lick you too much I hear you comin ooh aaaah baby

~*~

The moment we enter the house I lock the door and try to make my move but he has his hand on my throat in less than a second, squeezing not too tight, but tight enough to make a point. His blue eyes scan my face, his soft tongue slithering across the freckle of his lower lip with arousal.

“Get on your knees, little one. You’re not off the hook yet.”

I gasp at his fierceness, weak against his charisma and beauty. I stroke his face, still sticky with sweat from earlier, my fingers are gently smoothing against the stubbles on his high cheekbones and at the dimple of his chin.

“Please, daddy, just fuck me already,” I bargain.

“I’m wet and ready for you.”

“On your knees.” he repeats himself, his lips twitching to a small grin as he sees my defeat. His hand slightly releases my neck, his fingers pet my chin and jaw and finally entangle in my hair as I fall to my knees slowly, levelling myself at the height of his groin. His hand strokes my head lovingly, pressing my chin against his growing arousal as I look up to him with fake innocence.

“Are you gonna be good now?” he asks, his fingers twirling around my long hair lovingly.

“Yes, daddy.” I nod, waiting to have his cock in me, in any part of me. I want to touch myself so badly, my pussy throbs with desperate eagerness to be stuffed by his huge cock. .

“I want to see you crawl on fours and wait for me in the living room, babygirl.” he growls at me while discarding his blue top on the wooden floor, exposing his thick hairy chest.

“I want to look at your cunt as you move for me before I’ll destroy it. You’ve been such a nasty girl today.”

I shiver at his words, a shrill of air kicks out of my lungs at once. My toughness is down to non-existing. I let him have it, I let him have it all. I crawl on my knees and palms like a cat in heat, my ass exposed for him. My cunt drips with primal desire to be conquered by this menacing alpha. I stop for a moment and then look behind me. I see him kicking off his shoes, his sweats slipping down his thick thighs along with his briefs before he continues to follow me, holding his erection in his hand, massaging the base of his cock while looking at me to open wide for him.

I reach the furry white IKEA carpet in our living room and wait for him, still on all fours. His heavy footsteps make the wood creak beneath his weight which alerts me that he’s close. The heat of his body is near. I feel the aura of his body as he falls down to his knees carefully behind me.

His hands smooth against the curve of my ass, appreciating my shape to the point of worshipping my flesh. He takes the time to study again what he knows better than I do, trailing up to lift my skirt until it’s hiked around my belly. He then pushes my shirt, prompting me to take it off. Not an easy task to perform on all four limbs.

For one lingering moment, his hands roam across my body, massaging my muscles, pinching my nipples between his fingers. I moan beneath his large hands as he coaxes me into being his little plaything, succumbing to his will. Possessive fingers grip my shoulder and in a sudden movement, I’m pressed with my back down while Henry pushes my legs apart with his knees.

“I just love to look at your face when I fuck you, babygirl.” he explains, his hands pulling my legs violently against his hips to position me as he desires. That way, we can both enjoy the show of his cock slipping in and out of my slit.

I squirm beneath him, my hands reaching for his chest to stroke at the thick dark hair and hardened pecs. “Please, fuck me.” I beg to the point of whining as I look at his sturdy cock, admiring every vein and ridge that decorates his impressive size. Henry takes himself and begins to tease my entrance, making teasing groaning voices while I plea so weakly.

But that’s only to prepare me for his brutal invasion. He lets out a loud husky shout as he pushes in, penetrating me with such vulgarness, it takes the air out of my lungs. I am split in half, feeling how my body stretches immediately to bind itself to him.

My narrow slit tries to remain resilient while Henry keeps himself nested between my lush folds, a groan of pure pleasure vibrates through his glorious chest before he takes my jaw in his great hand and makes me look at him to see the sin in his eyes.

“Good girl…” he calls out in his deep low voice, pulling himself out slowly and then slamming back inside me in with a slippery wet slap. I gasp, my entire body shuddering in his veiny arms.

“Good girl.” He speaks again, letting the words roll and linger on his tongue.

His rhythm is somewhere between torturous to divine. When he pulls away he does it ever so slowly, watching with perverse fascination his own cock as it slides out my narrow entrance just before he slams back in. Henry promised that he will destroy me; he never breaks a promise. I already feel how my muscles are thrown into a paradox, trying to resist him yet have him deeper and deeper with each one of his amazing thrusts.

“Look at how you take me,” he calls in a guttural voice, urging me to look at our union. “You have such a tight succulent cunt, baby.”

It feels almost too sinful to stare, my entire existence shivers at the sight. His big beautiful cock enters me, slick with my juices as he increases the pace. I’m petite but with him inside I’m forced to expand, my body stealing his shape, embracing him with devotion, wanting him to be like this forever.

His wide thighs are placed right beneath my legs, his right hand silks its way down my hip and grips me roughly as he pounds me in increasing speed. With one hand still on my jaw, he presses his fingers to my mouth where I suck and bite at him. He always wants me to look at him, loves it when I’m hopeless beneath him when my mouth cries for him while he stuffs me with his cock, over and over again.

I squirm to meet his pelvis. He fucks me so raw that no actual words come out of my mouth but the mewls of a small, helpless animal instead. Being hunted for sport rather than eating. I grind my clit against his pubic bone to elicit more delightful friction, getting me closer and closer. But I’m stealing control and he’ll have none of that right now.

He shoves us down, pinning my hands against each side of my head while his groin is holding me down to the surface in complete captivity. I am hurting for a mere moment as he shoves too forcefully. His apology is a deep passionate kiss which he is forced to break as we both gasp for air with every merciless push of his loins into mine.

“Fuck babygirl!” He leans his forehead against mine, a feral gaze in his eyes. I lock my legs around his waist, my body losing every grip it ever had on control as the warmth begins to throb at the base of my cunt, spreading from my womb towards every nerve until I feel nothing but love flowing through my body.

I pant in awe, my voice adding to his deep growls and husky gasps which only become louder as his orgasm looms closer with the tightness of my cunt around his swelling cock. It sucks him harder, demanding his release, milking him of his offering until he shudders through me and yells out my name.

The gush of warmth that spills inside me is my second favorite thing in the world. I moan with sweet delight as his cream coats me inside.

“I love you so much.” he whispers, holding me in his protective embrace as if to apologize for fucking me so hard.

I’d imagine that after such a long time together he’d already figure it out that I’m the one provoking it.

“What’s the name of that device again?.. the one I was…”

“Glute drive.”

“Glute drive, yeah, we’ll do that again soon…” I suggest, nibbling at his ear playfully while he remains on top of me.

~*~

Song lyrics are by Queens of the Stone Age - Skin on Skin

#Henry Cavill #Henry Cavill Fanfiction #Henry Cavill x OFC #henry cavill rpf #henry cavill x reader

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nol-an · 3 years

Text

it was good until it wasn’t || n. patrick

inspired by the prompt, “please don’t make me choose.”

2k worth of A N G S T!! um yea haven’t written in over two years and this is my first hockey fic so bear with me. feedback is always appreciated! (this is not proofread and im sure there are probs some plot holes- oops)

__________

For so long, everything had felt too good to be true. Nolan finally accomplished his dream of playing in the NHL, and you had gotten into your dream school in Philadelphia. To you, there was nothing more important than pursuing a career in the medical field and being able to do that with Nolan on your side.

At times, the long study nights, missed plans, and occasional stressed-induced breakdowns made you question if you were ever going to meet your end goals. That feeling was definitely not foreign to you, but it didn’t necessarily make coping with the thought any easier. It was a weird feeling — four years of undergraduate school almost felt like too much yet not enough time. There was so much you wanted to accomplish, and you sometimes wished you weren’t so ambitious because the days where you felt incapable of being successful were the days that you wanted nothing more than to wallow in your fears alone.

Luckily for you, Nolan was incredibly understanding of your fears. While he knew his life as an athlete was drastically different from your life as a student, he tried his best to understand your thoughts and always told you how much he admired your drive to reach your goals. No matter how often you tried to internalize your emotions, Nolan knew better and never hesitated to be your rock. Be it in the form of verbal or physical reassurance, his presence radiated a sense of comfort that always brought you out of any illusion of doubt you may have conjured.

He doesn’t tell you enough, but you have a similar effect on him. Your gentle touches, cute pre-game texts, and warm hugs never fail to bring a smile to his face. If he’s being honest with himself, he’s not quite sure what he would do without you. It’s not really a thought he has to worry about, though, because for what felt like a blissful eternity, the stars aligned for you two. There were undoubtedly times when Nolan and you would run into disagreements, but the desire to make things work seemingly mended any issues in the relationship.

That was, however, until everything seem to come to a head. With your MCAT exam date approaching very soon and Nolan’s season with the Flyers starting just as quickly, it was hard for the two of you to bask in each other’s presence like usual. It wasn’t something either of you really noticed, as you both understood how important the other’s career was. You knew how important this comeback season for Nolan would be, and you tried your best to let him know that you would support him no matter what. He didn’t have to say it, but you knew a lot of doubts were rushing through your boyfriend’s head and you almost mistook his increasingly reserved demeanor as nerves.

In fact, you didn’t really give it much thought until Nolan came home from his fourth game of the season. As badly as you wished you could have attended, the remaining hours you had to prepare for the MCAT were previous and you reassured Nolan that you would be his number one cheerleader again as soon as you got the dreaded test out of the way.

Your nose was stuffed into a psychology textbook until your trance was broken with the slam of the front door to you and Nolan’s shared apartment.

“Hi, baby,” you greeted as you got out of your seat to hug your freshly-showered boyfriend. If the sound of the front door was any indication, you had a feeling that the game didn’t go as desired, and you didn’t want to push any touchy subjects. On more than one occasion, Nolan had told you how much he liked how he could escape from hockey in your presence. He loved that he could escape from that part of his life, loved how you made him feel like a normal guy. You thought this would be one of those nights where even the word “hockey” wouldn’t be uttered, but you were wrong. So wrong.

“You’re not gonna ask how the game went?” Your boyfriend pressed, his tone bitter. Pulling away from your hug, he turned his back to you all too soon and he walked towards the kitchen.

“I-I mean, you know I’m always here to listen about your games, but I just thought you wouldn’t want to talk about it?” you meekly replied, unsure of where he was going with the conversation.

You weren’t entirely sure what the outcome of the game was, but you were definitely confused. Nolan usually didn’t like talking about the Flyers’ losses, but you were so sure something went wrong based on his dramatic entrance into your shared home.

Prompted by his silence, you continued, “Um, so was it a win?” you uttered, regretting your words as soon as they slipped off your tongue.

Slamming his water bottle on the countertop, Nolan’s actions caused your words to dissipate. Silence filled the room, the tension almost palpable.

“Well you would know if you were there, wouldn’t you?” he replied, clearly annoyed by your seemingly stupid question.

Alright, so definitely not a win.

“Nols,” you tried to reason, “You know I wanted to be there so badly, but I couldn’t. The MCAT is almo-” you were abruptly cut off.

“I know. The MCAT is only two weeks away and it’s super important for you. It’s been the same thing for weeks now, you don’t have to remind me,” Nolan finished your sentence, his monotonous and resentful tone making it clear that he had already heard the same words from you numerous times before.

Had it not been for this same tone, you would have brushed off his comment. You would have instead attributed his harshness to tonight’s loss, which would have been the third one in a row. However, his response felt condescending — like he was downplaying how important the MCAT actually was to you.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you quipped. It felt like you just recited the most cliche line in the book, but your brain and heart had already started functioning at two different rates. If you attempted to say any more, your stress from the upcoming exam mixed with the rising argument you sensed would have surely sent you into a pool of tears.

“It’s just exhausting you, know?” Nolan started, “I know you’re busy with your own things, but it sucks seeing all of the other guys getting to hug their girlfriends and wives at the tunnel at the end of games while I know I can’t have the same with you. I mean, is it so much to ask of you to just be there for me? How am I supposed to believe that you want the best for me when you aren’t even acting like it?” he argued.

“‘So was it a win?’” he bitterly recited your earlier question, scoffing at it. “You could have at least Googled the score and pretended like you were keeping up.”

You didn’t know what to say. Your confusion immediately turned into anger and shock — you thought Nolan, out of all people, would have understood your situation. Not being able to wrap your head around his current state of irrationality, it felt like hours passed before you willed yourself to reply.

“I've attend almost every game of yours. I’m sorry I haven’t been so good at that recently, but you know how much I want to do well on this exam,” you seethed.

You were trying to stay level-headed, but anger consumed any possibility of making the discourse calm. “My life does not revolve solely around your career, and I’m sure as hell not going to always be able to put my life on hold to make sure I know what the scoreboard of every game is.” You couldn’t help but let every one of your words become coated in frustration. You thought everything you were saying was so obvious, and you couldn’t help but become more upset with the fact that you even had to reiterate these points to Nolan.

“Sometimes it feels like I’m not even dating someone,” Nolan dryly responded. “Feels like all you do nowadays is drone on and on about this test. Is this what the rest of our relationship it gonna be like? I mean, I can’t imagine what things are gonna be like once you’re in med school,” he hastily commented, pacing around the kitchen.

Every one of his words felt like a punch to your gut. His words hurt more than your face let on, every instinct in your body asking —no, begging— you to flee your current predicament.

“I don’t know what to say,” you truthfully replied.

“Is there even room for me in your life anymore?” he questioned, adding fuel to the fire. “It feels like I’m always second to your fantasy life as a doctor.”

This was your last straw. Sure, you could have tried to see the validity in his initial argument if you gave yourself time to cool down. But now, it felt like he was mocking you. The same person that made your goals feel attainable was starting to break down your confidence. The confidence that he helped you construct was now crumbling, brick by brick.

“Nolan, you mean so much more to me than that. Please, I would never want you to feel this way, and I know we can work this out we just need to tal-” you were cut off once more.

“I don't know if I can do this anymore,” he cryptically stated, letting your worst fears fester around the kitchen that felt way too cramped now.

“Nol, please,” you pleaded. Your anger immediately shifted to dread.

“I want you to achieve your dreams more than anything, but I don’t know if I see myself in these future plans if this is what the rest of your career is supposed to be like. Do I even have a place in your future plans?” Nolan sighed.

Your stomach dropped. Even though he didn’t explicitly state it, you knew what he was hinting at. It was your career or him, and he was making it clear that having both in your life wouldn’t be feasible. As if he pulled out the last brick, you finally let all of your walls down. Tears freely flowed down your face, as you tried to convince yourself that you were hearing wrong. You wanted to scream it at the top of your lungs. Of course you saw Nolan as part of your future. Hell, he was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. However, his seeming disregard for your career aspirations was off-putting and made you reconsider everything.

Your eyesight, blurry from your tears, tried to focus on the hockey player. Your dejected state urged you to reason with him, but you were unsure of what to do.

“Please, Nolan. Please don’t make me choose,” you pleaded. In comparison to your vulnerable state, Nolan was composed. It was as if he rehearsed this, his blank stare void of emotion. You tried to come closer to him, but his body language told you that your touch wasn’t welcome.

“I don’t have to,” Nolan pushed himself off the counter, “The fact that you don’t already know your answer already tells me what I need to know,” he stated. Grabbing his keys off the kitchen counter, he headed to the front door before you could gather your emotions and form words.

Your anger, confusion, and hurt seemed to weigh you down, gluing your feet to the ground. As much as you wanted to stop his exit from the apartment, your body kept you in place. With a second slam of the front door, the gust of wind from the heavy door whiffled through your long-forgotten textbook, the sound of the pages ruffling mocking you. The silence following Nolan’s exit was deafening. You never thought Nolan would make you choose between your relationship with him and your career. You thought you knew a lot of things about life, really, but this was certainly something you were not prepared for.

Your world was spinning, orbiting into a field of anguish and heartbreak. As if your brain hadn’t quite registered the turn of events, you almost thought about calling for Nolan until you were cruelly reminded that reaching for him was no longer an option. Your rock was gone, and you were lost.

#nolan patrick fic #nolan patrick imagine #nolan patrick #nhl imagine #nhl fic #my writing

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thelivebookproject · 3 years

Text

Talking Books With @lilymaidofgallifrey!

[What is this and how can I participate?]

Important note: I haven’t changed or edited any of the answers. I’ve only formatted the book titles so they were clearer, but nothing else. Because I’m incapable of shutting up, my comments are between brackets and in italics, so you can distinguish them clearly.

-----------------------------------------

[Image description: a square titled “Know the blogger”. Name & pronouns: Anna, she/her; country: New Zealand; three adjectives to describe her: chaotic, studious & fun /end]

1. What's one book in your course of study (or about your speciality) that you'd warn others against reading?

To be honest I can't think of a study-related book I would warn others against reading altogether. The main thing I realised at university is that it's not information that's necessarily the problem, it's how it's framed and discussed. Sometimes you need to talk about problematic ideas so you can break them down and understand why they're wrong. For example The Criminal Man by Cesare Lombroso - Lombroso believed certain people were 'born criminals' and you could identify criminals based on their physical features (which obviously led to a lot of super racist, classist and sexist things). But while they're super problematic, it's still important to discuss Lombroso's ideas because they had a huge influence on the development of criminology and continue to have various impacts today, which need to be understood and combatted. I think the key thing is that these kind of ideas have to be presented critically and it needs to be pointed out how and why they are flawed, rather than taking them at face value.

2. Last book character you identified with?

Sansa Stark from Game of Thrones. She starts off as quite naïve and idealistic and romantic and a bit silly, which is pretty similar to a young-teen version of me. We have a love of embroidery and of pretty things in common, and I too am a sucker for a good doomed-romance ballad. I also like that she's quite different than her sister Arya, and that her brain is her weapon. As much as I like the idea of wielding a sword, I think I would be terrible at it (and based on my lack of coordination would probably cut off my own foot), and as a lawyer-in-training, I think words would also be my weapon-of-choice.

[I would also cut off my own foot with a sword! Or I would if I ever managed to be able to pick it up... Once at a Medieval Faire I asked a knight if I could hold his sword for a photo and I could barely raise it!]

3. Do you read in other languages?

No sadly. I started learning French and German at school but I wasn't very good and only remember a dozen or so words in each, definitely not enough to read something. I am planning on starting to learn Te Reo Māori though (the language of the Indigenous people of New Zealand and one of our national languages), so someday hopefully I might.

4. Thoughts on DNFing books?

I constantly DNF books. I used to feel like I HAD to finish every book I started, but now I'm so busy and my attention span is limited at the best of times, so if a book doesn't capture my interest within the first few chapters I generally won't finish it, unless it's one I really wanted to read. Sometimes I also don't finish books because I just ran out of time before they were due back at the library. I think realizing I didn't have to finish books I didn't like was very freeing. The way I see it, there's so many good books out there, I'm not going to waste time on books I don't really like.

[Meanwhile, I can’t DNF to save my life, spite is enough motivation to finish!]

5. Have you ever used a TBR jar?

I think they're a cool idea and I've attempted to use them a few times. Unfortunately I have object permanence issues - if I can't see it, it basically doesn't exist (thanks ADHD). So, basically, I tend to forget what's in the jar almost immediately after putting my book names in there. I've had more luck with writing my TBR on a piece of paper and sticking it on my bookshelf at eye-level, or, if I have the physical books, stacking them right beside my bed.

Free space!

Some books I would like to recommend are The Blue Castle by LM Montgomery, Station Eleven by Emily St John Mandel (with the caveat it is about a pandemic), the Murderbot series by Martha Wells, and Sunshine by Robin McKinley.

I also want to recommend the websites https://www.window-swap.com/ where you can look out of a stranger's window somewhere in the world and http://radio.garden where you can click on another part of the world and listen to what is playing on the radio there, they're both fun and relaxing.

You can follow her at @lilymaidofgallifrey and on Goodreads.

---------------------------------------------

Thank you, Anna! It was really fun.

Next interview: Saturday, 22nd of May

#talking books with #booklr #thelivebookproject #may 2021

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thespoonisvictory · 3 years

Text

“Techno and Wilbur make Cave Better” Key Conversations

Hi, so I’m doing a big Pogtopida Wilbur analysis rn, mainly of this stream, and I basically decided to transcribe all major events, conversations, and quotes for the masses, to reference during said analysis.

This was such a good stream to look at, and there’s some really interesting stuff to analyze, as Wilbur interacts with almost every portion of the story and develops his character in a really interesting way. I definitely recommend watching the stream if you want to understand Wilbur’s character, or at least read this. If you like to write meta, have fun with this oh boy.

Major quotes and full conversations are bolded for clarity, timestamps are added, and names are shortened when writing dialogue. If the character is not tagged Wilbur is the one speaking (W = Wilbur, TU = Tubbo, F = Fundy, S = Schlatt, and TO = Tommy).

“Hey Techno. I’m in a better mood today. I’m in a better- do you know I’m- I’m over fucking losing Manburg y’know.” 11.08

“The revolution is coming. the only difference is I’m not gonna be sad while doing it. I’m gonna be happy, while revolting.” 11.20

“Hey Techno, do you wanna see how over Manburg I am, dude? How over L’Manburg I am? You ready for this? *reveals Pogtopia skin*” 11.25

“That filthy, dirty, coat. I didn’t wash it once, I’ll be honest with you, Technoblade.” 11.40

*Techno shows him the farm, Wilbur is concerned but a little frightened by the amount of time he’s spent on this lol*

“First, I think, I wanna make this place look nicer, cause I won’t be able to work in this cavern if it’s just like, if it’s natural generation, y’know?” 14.33

*they join vc with tubbo*

“Tubbo’s one of the few people I trust, Technoblade. Like, I’m still figuring you out right now, but, at the moment, Tubbo seems to be pretty on the ball. He seems pretty keen on the whole spying thing.” 16.13

“See the thing is, Tubster, can I call you Tubster? Cool, cool. See the thing is Tubbony, I need help, today. Tubbo, do you know anything about super smelters.” 16.53

*they meet up in Manburg to go to Pogtopia, Wilbur doesn’t feel safe coming too close*

“Tubbo. You’ve lost the revolutionary gear. I’m so proud of you man, I’m so proud of you. We’ve finally moved on. It’s the next part!” 19.32

*Wilbur is visibly upset by Tubbo wearing the suit, despite it being a “disguise” and him saying Schlatt’s name, however*

“I was sleeping last night, before I changed my clothes, and I thought to myself, I thought to myself Tubbo you’ve done so much for our great nation.”20.17

“Have you heard of the Sunk Cost Fallacy?” *Wilbur explains the fallacy* “So, in that logic, I think you are physically incapable of giving up. I think you’re physcially incapable of giving up L’manburg. Because you’ve put in so much effort! You’ve put in so much work, y’know. So that’s why...” 22.12

*Wilbur shows Tubbo Pogtopia*

“Pogtopia isn’t a nation, as much as Tommy seems to think it is. We’re a commune, now. Don’t call me Mr President anymore, Tubbo, you’ve gotta call me, uh, Wilbs... In the commune, we’re all equal, we’re all comrades. We’re all equal” 24.24

*Wilbur compares them to Russian revolutionaries*

“Except with this Russian revolution, we’re not all gonna die. And also the nation we’re gonna make afterwards will not fail.” (oh god I’m sad) 25.15

*they talk about the super smelter, wilbur and tubbo are wholesome :(*

W: “Welcome to the commune, welcome to Pogtopia. Now, I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking Wilbur- Wilbur-”

TU: “I think it looks lovely”

W: “oh, see I thought you were gonna say ‘Wilbur Wilbur this looks like shit’, and I was gonna say ‘yes Tubbo, yes it does look shit’”

TU: “I mean, you obviously- I don’t think you’ve seem Manburg lately.”

Wilbur’s tone becomes serious, maybe angry “I haven’t seen Manburg lately. Why do you rub this in.”

TU: “What- no- I didn’t mean it like that-”

W: “No- I heard you man-”

TU: “No, it’s really gone quite in the opposite direction-”

Wilbur’s tone cheers up a bit. “Oh- it’s bad? It looks bad?

TU: “Yeah”

W: “Oh, that’s brilliant, that’s great news, Tubbo, thank you, I-, that means that when we go and fix it- let me show you...” 27.40

*Wilbur wants to add more people to Pogtopia, tells Techno to get more food*

*Wilbur talks about possibly exporting “Pogtopia Potatoes” to L’manburg, and poisoning them. This is never brought up again though and isn’t treated seriously*

“I wanna make sure it looks nice for when the gang gets on.” 31.35

*Schlatt joins the game, and joins vc. Wilbur is immediately panicked, telling him to make an alibi*

“How’s running L’man-Manburg going for you?” “It’s going great.” “Yeah, it’s a lovely place isn’t it, nice situation.” 34.30

*this continues a bit, Wilbur is very obviously not a big fan of this conversation. Schlatt talks about demolishing things. Wilbur’s tone is soft and somber*

W: “Oh- What are you demolishing.”

S: “The Elton John house.”

W: “Oh- that was-”

S: “I reckon we’ll take the rocket down as well, and maybe uh-”

W: “oh- ok”

S:“what is this thing, whad’you call this thing, Tubbo?”

T: “This is that cAHmrvan van”

W: *quietly* “the camARvan”

S: “The cAHmarvan?”

W: *quietly* “The camARvan”

S: “That’s a stupid name, I reckon we put a big apartment building right over it.”

*Wilbur moves away from his desk in shock, the conversation continues, Wilbur is shocked by the dress code being suits as Schlatt insults the revolutionary uniforms, leaves vc*

“Techno- I fucking hate him, Technoblade. He’s the fucking worst, you get it, you get it don’t you? He’s everything- he’s everything I cannot stand.” 37.32

*Wilbur talks about dismantling the oppressive government, and quotes Spongebob. They chat for bit, both misunderstanding anarchy dear god*

“One thing I really want to make sure of, cause as much as I’m still not entirely trustful of Tubbo, because he said it was a disguise... Tubbo said that he was wearing the suit as a disguise, right. Turns out that’s true. Turns out it’s the dresscode. So, Tubbo lied to me, which is not the best start for our political relationship, but y’know it’s cool, at least he’s actually online today, unlike- unlike one of my right hand men.”40.26

“Whilst I’m not entirely trustful of Tubbo, I would- still don’t wanna see him get hurt by Schlatt” 41.19

*Wilbur rejoins Schlatt’s vc. He’s still really bitter about being removed from Manburg. The whole Schlatt has diamonds in his furnace conversation happens. Schlatt asks where Niki lives, and Wilbur immediately leaves vc*

“Techno we need to get to the docks, this is your first mission under us, please comrade, please. armor. armor. We need to get to Manburg quickly, this isn’t a drill, this is first thing. We’re not gonna attack we’re just gonna watch, and then see what happens.”45.06

*Techno is mining, and Wilbur says he’ll get there on his own time before leaving. Wilbur arrives in Manburg and is disgusted by the apartment buildings, venturing in while Techno has no clue where Manburg is*

*Wilbur goes into Niki’s bakery* “I think Schlatt’s just mugged Niki” 49.14

“Which is why I need you here, Technoblade. You’re kinda my last resort.” 50.00

*Wilbur looks over Manburg and watches Niki, Fundy, Schlatt, and Tubbo interact. They join Niki’s vc, Techno isn’t keeping hidden well and Wilbur is stressed. Wilbur is trying to balance both of them and making all the calls.*

W: “Niki I’ve gotta go, Niki I’ve gotta go, I promise- I- look- if- we’re in too much of a hot position right now to take in everyone from every sort of like person we need into our new cave. So you’re gonna have to hold out in Manburg a bit longer. Is that ok?”

N: “Of course. I will.”

W: “Mm k.”

N: “Take care, Wil.”

W: “Thank you.”

W is obviously distraught at leaving her behind, but leaves vc. 55.05

Techno isn’t in vc, and Wilbur just softly goes “Comrade Technoblade? Is he- I’m on my own. I’m on my own.” 55.38

*Tommy joins the game and Techno joins vc* “I thought he was gone, no it’s Tommy. I didn’t think he’d be coming on, I didn’t think he’d- oh thank god!”

*they join vc with Tubbo Punz and Schlatt. Techno offers to “initiate order Kennedy” and Wilbur freaks out*

*Fundy joins vc*

S: “Fundy- Fundy- I y’know I wasn’t gonna do this so early into my reign, but I think you should have a promotion. I mean this is just such a good idea, this is just such a good idea.”

F: “You’re being very generous here Schlatt.”

W panics. “Don’t give him promotions, he’s too young, he doesn’t understand, he’s- he needs to learn more. No- he needs to learn more, I should know he’s my son.”

S: “I’m promoting him.”

F: “Wilbur, Imma need you to shut up for a second.”

W: “Don’t you speak like that to me, Fundy. Don’t forget where you came from, Fundy.”

S: “What’s the relationship between you and Wilbur, Fundy?”

F: *sigh* “Wilbur, he’s just a founder, and I was born here, and nothing else. It’s literally everything there is to is to it.”

W, softly and sadly: “You know that’s not-”

Schlatt interrupts: “See, it’s so great to have natural-born citizens of Manburg, taking the country direction into their own hands. I mean, I really over this purple stripe, instead of that ugly blue one.”

*Wilbur has hand over his mouth in disbelief and sadness

F: “I must agree.”

*F and S continue to talk*

W, seemingly on the verge of tears: “I don’t know who you are anymore, Fundy, I don’t know who you are anymore.” he leaves the vc and joins Tommy.

“I couldn’t be there anymore.” 1.01.36

*Immediately, Tommy tries to talk to him, while Wilbur is obviously angry and upset. Tommy is waiting for his command to burn down the flag.”

TO:“I’m stood here, by the flag with a flint and steel, Wilbur.”

W, panicked. “Tommy control yourself, control yourself, it’s not worth it.”

TO: “Do I take my shot?”

W: “Tommy do not take your shot.”

TO: “Wilbur he disrespected you!”

W, even more panicked: “He disrespected me, yes but we’ve talked about this Tommy. Tommy, if we cast the first stone-”

TO: “Wilbur, I wanna do it Wilbur.”

*now Tubbo shows up, holding a book*

W: “Tubbo, what is that book?”

TO: “I wanna do it!”

TU: “It’s, um, it’s nothing much, it’s not really anything worth worrying about.”

W, softly: “What is it. Why are you holding it.”

TU: “It’s- Schlatt has given me- It’s the papers Schlatt made me. Yeah, it’s what he, yeah.”

W: “Give it to me.”

TU: “Are you sure?”

TO at the same time: “Wilbur tell me now Fundy’s coming up. Do I light the fires of victory, of independence?”

*W is reading the book MANBURG TO-DO*

TU: “Uh- I’m gonna need that back”

TO at the same time: I could do with a clear yes or no, this isn’t a- as much as silence is-

W interrupts, suddenly angry: “Tommy burn that place to the ground. Burn that place to the ground and try to as many people trapped in it as possible.”

TO laughs

TU: “I’m gonna need that book back- oh- oo.”

*W throws the book back*

TO: “Wilbur do I kill your son?”

W, no longer distracted: “Keep him alive, Tommy.”

TO: “Again- I could do, I’m actually-”

W: “Tommy, we’re comrades here.”

TO: “Wilbur, take one look at Manburg, cause it ain’t no more!”

W: “Tubbo, take me to Manburg.”

TU: “Ok.”

TO: “I could kill Schlatt and Big Q right now.”

W: “Keep them alive, we need them alive Tommy.”

TO: “Can I just shoot em once?”

W, exasperated: “If you want.”

TO: “Yeah, I did. It’s more of my own self fulfillment.”

W: *sighs* “We’ve cast the first stone. Our little ravine is now, it’s now in a difficult spot.” 1.03.30

*Wilbur meets Tubbo at Manburg and they head back to Pogtopia*

TO: “The flags gone, and your son is corrupt.”

W: “I know he is, and I don’t need reminding of that, Tommy.” 1.06.30

*Schlatt joins vc and tells Tommy to leave Manburg, and leaves again. Wilbur tells Tommy again not to burn down the forest, and is legitimately upset at the idea. He says it’s the thing they’re fighting against. Techno rejoins vc*

“Tommy, if you don’t fix the mistake you’ve made here, I don’t know if you’re the best fit for Pogtopia.” 1.10.46

*Wilbur asks Tubbo and Techno if they’ve checked the forest, but they’re both busy*

W: “Alright well I’ll go and looking for the fucking forest, I guess. I have to do everything around here.”

*Tubbo and Techno protest.*

W: “No no no, it’s fine you two are doing much harder work than I am.” 1.12.37

*Tubbo and Wilbur talk about how Quackity isn’t happy under Schlatt, how he’s protesting a lot of Schlatt’s measures.*

“He’s a man who I thought, really cared about his nation, but, hey y’know, I’ve been wrong before.” 1.13.55

*the conversation shifts to Fundy, and Wilbur recounts what Fundy said, clearly upset. Tubbo is shocked by this*

“It’s ok, it’s ok, y’know, cause, it’s fine! I- y’know, bonds are formed in blood, not family blood, the other blood, the blood where you stab shit. Yeah, that’s where bonds are formed.”1.14.55

*Tubbo, Techno, and Wilbur chat more, Schlatt joins vc for a bit. Tubbo and Wilbur keep up the bit that Tubbo is loyal to Schlatt until he leaves. Tubbo says explained his absence to Schlatt*

“Tubbo, you’re- see with Technoblade, right, I have no doubt that Technoblade is on my side, right. Cause with Technoblade, with Technoblade, right, I know that he wants blood, and he wants war. Cause that’s how Technoblade works y’know. He just wants to fight and he wants to kill bad guys, right. Yeah, look at him, he a little libertarian- little anarchist, right. So here’s what I’m saying, right: you however- little, I can’t tell if you’re cozying up to Schlatt to help spy, or if you’re cozying up to Schlatt because you quite like how he treats you. I mean look, Tubbo, I’ll be the first one to say it, I didn’t always treat you the best, on L’Manburg, and I know I didn’t, I- I- I was somewhat of a distant ruler- I pretty much only- don’t agree that fucking excitedly, man- look I wasn’t the best ruler I know I wasn’t. Well I think I was a good ruler, but I, I- Tubbo I don’t know if you are just prefering his rule over mine, and I feel like I gotta win you over.”

TU seems to disagree, but says ok.

TU: “Well I’m making this farm, I wouldn’t be putting in this much time if I wasn’t.”

W: No I know, I know, but that’s probably what’d you be saying to Schlatt as well if you were doing work for him.”

TU: “That is- that is very- yeah that is very true, actually.” 1.25.07

*Tubbo says his excuse is that he was pregnant in the name of being transparent. They discuss plans for the farm, and the stream ends*

Wilbur, raiding Niki: “Now, Niki is currently probably the last person who I know is on our side,, who I know is definitely on our side right now. And she, basically, is just sort of trapped in Manburg, cause I can’t get her out, cause we’ve got Tubbo out that’s fine, but I can’t get Niki out for a while. She’s being taxed and she’s being watched very closely by Schlatt. More closely than Tubbo, weirdly, and Schlatt is just being a horrible person to her as you know. So I’m gonna need you to go over there and I’m gonna need you to give her some love. “ <3 1.31.52

#wilbur soot #dream smp #dsmp #dsmp analysis #technoblade #tubbo #tommyinnit #meta #long post #transcripts #this took so long my hands hurt

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yokelish · 3 years

Text

Worth millions II

✏ Fandom: Bungou Stray Dogs ✏ Characters: Chūya Nakahara, Dazai Osamu ✏ Word count: 1,977 ✏ Warnings: Ansgstober in November. ✏ Part I.

Dazai abandoned him after promising he wouldn’t. “People change, Chūya.” What a devious bastard. This miserable vagabond is incapable of change. Nakahara wasn’t disappointed. Not that he had much strength to hold on to disappointment, only persistent resentment. That crafty bastard was twisted to his very core. Nothing changes, and nothing can touch him. Maybe that quality was fanning the embers of Chūya’s hatred: Dazai’s ability to escape any sort of retribution. Slippery like a snake, crafty, and absolutely unscrupulous. The moment you think the hand of fate is about to touch him, it’s absolutely nullified. Dazai didn’t lose any people to Q’s curse, while Nakahara had to count the body bags. Dazai was never stabbed in the back since he was doing the stabbing, always. He was the one making the deals and collecting dues. He never lost, even in silly arcade games. Always unaffected, always unhurt, always a perfect player. The taller they stand the harder they fall. Deep down Chūya knew it was no longer about what his ex-partner deserved. It wasn’t about rivalry or revenge. He rather sadistically wanted to witness there was something that could touch Dazai, something that could hurt. Something to prove the bandaged bastard was just a tiny bit capable of feeling pain. Pity Chūya couldn’t do it himself. It would bring him immense satisfaction. No money he wouldn’t pay to see an expression of hurt, of pain, on Dazai’s face. To behold such masterpiece. Unfortunately, he can never buy it. He cannnot bring it to life, can’t push for it. Perhaps, it was time to admit he couldn’t hurt Dazai the way he wanted him to hurt. That sort of anguish Nakahara could never inflict to begin with. To twist the sinews of that rotten heart only for it to begin to beat? To bear witness to that moment, to look him in the eye… That would be truly marvellous. Chūya would relish in that moment if only he could. But it wasn’t in his power.

If there was no enemy who could take on Dazai — if karmic retribution was just a fancy tale to soothe a grudging soul, — then there could be only way for Chūya to get what he wanted. He refused to believe Dazai could forever remain untouchable. It had to be just the right sort of…touch. “Plus, I don’t know how I would look them in the eye.” It was never an issue before. Dazai was a perfect machine, an Executive with mafia-black blood. Hesitation wasn’t a part of his nature. The Agency might be riding the high horse, but why would it stop someone like him? Lie, writhe your way out. Dazai detested Q and their ability, Chūya knew firsthand. He felt the same, especially after the massacre. So why did that bandaged wretch resist it? People might change, but people and humanity have nothing to do with Dazai. “A logical decision.” No, it couldn’t simply be that when it came to someone as crafty as Dazai. He held himself back and it had to be for some selfish, miserable reason.

The only person who was good at getting to Dazai was he himself. His own arrogance got him wrecked by that inhuman thing from the Guild. His taunting what got him punched in the face. The only person who could bring down Dazai would be Dazai himself. People might be capable of change. Dazai wasn’t. Something about tonight’s escapade made Chūya sure of that. The bastard said it himself, and his prediction do always come true. “But relationships are built on trust and honesty.” The things Dazai could never offer: trust, honesty, loyalty. And nothing has changed. The vagabond could never run away from his shady nature, he wouldn’t this time either. Shadows only grow longer at the end of the day. Someone would have to wipe that sickening smile off his face. And Chūya would do anything to see that. If he couldn’t do it himself, he would still gladly watch as Dazai becomes his own undoing. For that one single sweetest moment of Dazai’s self-realization and anguish of knowing he did it himself, Chūya would gladly give millions. And the thought of it alone brought a sweet, vanilla ice-cream taste to his mouth.

Dazai was returning to his laughably cheap Agency-issued apartment somewhere before dawn. Still snickering about what had happened with his ex-partner. But aside from humour, he also felt a long-forgotten satisfaction from taunting the small dog. A good book is always good, no matter how many times you read it. Something about taunting Chūya was of similar nature, never getting boring. The anger painting a face sharp and vivid, the resentment amplifying now estranged voice. Lovely and complete picture. Dazai walked up to the door of his apartment, humming a soft melody of amusement. Yet the best moment was hat rack’s horrible realization dawning slowly yet powerfully. Knowing that he was toyed with, read with ease like a children’s book. That expression took away some of the pain from the punch thrown. Dazai turned the doorknob. The metal felt cold against his skin. “You like them, don’t you?” He found the answer as he was phrasing the question. He knew his ex-partner all too well. Nakahara really did not have a good enough mask to hide behind. Nothing had changed there. Was it strange to know they happened to be drawn towards the same person? Hm, ‘drawn towards’ isn’t quite the expression Dazai would use in his case. He sighed as his amusement disappeared, gone without a trace or even an echo to follow it into the distance.

“Oh god, finally.” All too familiar voice inside his apartment. It echoed, filling him with dread. “I was worried.”

He entered without much noise, expecting nothing. Yet they were here, waiting patiently despite sounding exhausted. He didn’t expect to see anyone. He didn’t want to see anyone.

“Are you alright?” they asked, worried. “Let me turn on the—”

“Don’t,” Dazai interjected, making half a step towards them. But that was the end of it. Two silhouettes frozen in the splitting darkness of the room. The first light of the day beyond the horizon creeping inside.

“I have first aid kit with me,” they offered. Dazai could feel the shaking of disturbed silence like a slumbered beast prodded. And he couldn’t make himself move or say anything. He felt blank, optionless, knowing, perhaps, that any choice he’d make would be the wrong one. Of course, they entered his apartment. Amusingly good pick locker that one. What grated him is that he didn’t notice the disturbance or predicted this situation. And that, somehow, that felt like a betrayal.

“You are both blessed and cursed that you can’t rely on Yosano’s help to fix you up,” they continued talking, moving towards him cautiously. “I hate to do it in this light, but…” The willed objected floated behind them suspended in the air, beckoned by their ability.

“I’m sorry,” they spoke quietly, cautiously. There was a light touch against his forehead, he used it as an excuse to turn away, create more distance. Looking askew, anywhere but at them. As the light of the day was slowly filing the room and creating long shadows. The silence between them was a tame beast, stirring but not waking.

They draw a long shaky breath as a telling sign of unease. “I shouldn’t have gone behind your back like that.”

Every possible choice he had was a wrong one, Dazai knew. What should he say in this situation? Claim that it didn’t bother him would only make them more suspicious of his truthfulness. A too easy forgiveness would seem dismissive. There was no umbrage to admit to either. But he doubted that would be taken at face value. Their sudden presence inside his apartment was a greater grievance, but he would only come across as ungrateful and reticent.

“I just thought,” they tried to continue, voicing failing and fading out. “I just thought I could get—”

“Information,” Dazai finished the sentence passively. It didn’t really bother him. There was no surprise to this, no disappointment, no resentment. He would have done the same. It was just… lacking. Perhaps, something in him knew that this would happen and soon. But he felt nothing, feels nothing regarding the matter as if it was something awfully routine.

“To know you,” they corrected him sternly. So sternly, in fact, it sounded comedic. He barely contained his laugh. But despite the steadiness of their voice, Dazai didn’t buy into that false confidence. He heard their breathing moments before, the hesitation, the care put into their words. It didn’t flatter him the least.

He sighed. What a kind yet empty attempt to appease on both sides. “To know about me. To know me, that’s—”

“I meant what I said. To know you.” Gentle hands dropped from his forehead and on their knees as if in defeat. “You left, Dazai. You left Port Mafia. People don’t just leave those sorts of places on a whim. Especially, someone like you… You were something there, Dazai. Someone.”

“I was just one of the Executives,” he brushed it off. As if that sort of chip on one’s shoulder could be so easily snubbed. “You want to know what I’ve done.”

Their uneasy laugh surprised Dazai. “No, I am not devoid of imagination,” they said with a touch of humour in their voice. It wasn’t funny, both knew. One hand was placed on his shoulder, the other gently wiped the wound on his forehead. There were many minor cuts and bruises, but they only touched those visible and easily accessible. Gentle, non-invasive, almost respectful.

“You can’t hold it against me,” they continued to talk never ceasing to take care of him. Dazai could hear the smile in their voice but couldn’t see it, wouldn’t dare. For such close proximity and physical contact, they had yet to meet eye to eye. “Wanting to know why you came there and why you left later. But I admit that I went about it the wrong way.”

They never asked him why he came to Port Mafia or why he left. And, truthfully, he couldn’t blame them for not asking. He wouldn’t be able to meet an expectations of a full and honest answer. Dazai didn’t have such answer himself yet, and what words he could offer would never touch another person’s heart. The answer he could give right now was anything but guileless or cordial. To meet expectations he’d have to look inside himself and he hated doing that. Wasn’t it enough that he did?

“No,” they answered. “You have to say something.”

What could he say? Every option would turn out to be wrong in the end. There was no desired way out of this situation. It could only be buried as an unspoken thing between them. Then it would sprout into something else — something dichotomous — and eventually grow bigger than them. What could he say to kill the seed before it sprouted? “You like them, don’t you? You like them.” As bitter as it was, Dazai had to admit one thing Chūya was better at was being simply human.

“I better go—”

“I accept your apology,” Dazai stated neutrally. He couldn’t take a moment longer to pitifully ponder his answer and try to predict less messy outcome. He knew that if he simply let them leave it would be the end of it. His own undoing delivered in a single precise blow.

“And I don’t blame you for wanting to know,” he placed his hand on top of theirs, taking it away from his forehead. For the first time their eyes meet. And he lost confidence in his plan. A simple lie to meet their expectations melted in his mouth leaving a sweet aftertaste.

#yokelishtorturesenglish #bsd fanfic #bsd scenarios #bsd imagines #bsd dazai #bsd chuuya #dazai x reader #dazai osamu x reader #nakahara chuuya x reader #chuuya x reader

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pulledpurplecurtains · 3 years

Note

all the odd ones for the fic questions pls and thank you pepster

all the odd ones, meaning 1, 3 etc right? oh BOY are we gonna be here for a while (and i love it 🥰)

it’s morning right now so let’s see how long throughout the day this is gonna take me sdfghjk let’s do it!!

1) what was the first fandom you got involved in?

hmmmm. i wanna say harry potter, more than a decade ago? specifically dramione and scorose

3) what is the best fandom you’ve been involved in?

for all that it has given me i have to say bechloe

5) which fandoms have you written fanfiction for?

so far just for bechloe

7) list your NoTPs from each fandom you’ve been in

i’m only gonna list pairs i have strong feelings against and from only the fandoms i’ve been most involved in

harry potter: snape and hermione

frozen: elsa and hans (no but for real. why)

pitch perfect: beca and jessie, chloe and chicago

marvel: hm hm surprisingly nothing comes to mind

the haunting of bly manor: same as for marvel

9) what are the best things about your current fandom?

having a space where i can fully be myself, expressing myself freely through my writing, meeting so many wonderful people, having a previously unexplored side of myself revealed to me, finding and delving into characters that make me feel less alone, and so much more. it’s been a real blessing, having this fandom in my life

11) who is your current OTP?

bechloe

(this was the point where tumblr lost me ALL MY ANSWERS FROM QUESTIONS 13 TO 33 so let’s do this again SHALL WE??? i’ll be saving each answer as we go dear god)

13) any NoTPs?

already answered!

15) is there an obscure ship which you love?

hmm i don’t think so? none that comes to mind at least

17) who was your first OTP and are they still your favorite?

my first OTP, before i even knew what an OTP was, was scorpius and rose from harry potter. it’s not still on top of my OTP list, but always has a special place in my heart

19) is there a ship which you wished you could get behind, but you just don’t feel them?

not really? i mean, there are popular ships that i don’t support, like hermione with bellatrix or natasha with wanda for example. i can see their appeal and i get why people like them. they’re just not for me and i’m okay with that

21) what was the first fanfic you ever wrote?

ah my accidental multi chap baby sdfghjkdfg

All is Fair in Love and War was posted as an one shot, and that was all it was supposed to be. it was my first finished written piece. and then a couple of people in the comments were really nice abt sharing thoughts of where the story could go next and what they’d like to see happen, and they were very enthusiastic abt wanting to see more of that story. so the second chapter was born

sooo one thing led to the other and before i knew it that fic had become an 8 chapter, over 60k words story sdfghjkdf i’m amused and grateful to this day

23) name a fic you’ve written that you’re especially fond of and explain why you like it

how can you ask a mother to pick her favorite of her kids HUH

no but for real, i love all of my stories equally. i’m a perfectionist, so nothing gets posted before it’s perfect in my eyes. plus, all my stories are my babies. each has its flaws and imperfections, each in their own ways. but they’re all beautiful and meaningful to me

what i will say is, i have a particular soft spot for (wondering if you knew) i was enchanted to meet you. i truly think my writing peaked in that story, in all the parallels and tiny but very important things that are in there

25) what’s your most popular fanfic?

based on views and kudos, it’s All is fair in Love and War

ofc that’s a multi chap, so maybe the numbers aren’t exactly equivalent to popularity

my most popular one shot, by a very large margin at that, is (i’ll let you in) and baby, that’s when

27) what do you hate more: coming up with titles or writing summaries?

i honestly love coming up with titles

writing summaries, on the other hand, is the bane of my existence

29) do you have a beta reader? why/why not?

i don’t, and it’s bc i’m literally incapable of taking any kind of critique over anything unfinished. once it’s posted and out in the world it’s fair game; but until then? that’s a big no for me

31) what’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said about your writing?

i honestly can’t answer this question bc every comment is so so special and important to me. i often go back and read them all. even right now while writing this there are so many different comments swirling around in my head. i appreciate and am grateful for all the kind words always 💜

33) do you write one shots, multi chapters, or huge epics?

sdfghjkk definitely not huge epics

i’ve written both of the other two. in the beginning i preferred and wanted to write multi chapters. however nowadays and for the past year or so, i lean more heavily towards one shots

35) do you write drabbles? if so, what do you normally write them about?

i am physically and mentally incapable of writing short things sdfghjkd so no, i don’t write drabbles

37) first person or third person? what do you write in and why?

always third person. idk the idea of first person narration always seemed weird to me. plus, i see my stories as me retelling the events the characters have confided in me. so third person makes sense and it’s also why i use past tense in my stories

39) what is your greatest strength as a writer?

describing and narrating emotions and using metaphors

41) list and link to five fanfics you’re currently reading

my reader’s block has been going strong, so i’m not reading anything currently unfortunately

43) is there anyone in your fandom who really inspires you?

my squirrels 💜

45) what is your all time favorite fanfic?

i have to say Experimentation i just have to

i also love Perdition, what an incredible piece of writing

47) ao3, ff.net or tumblr - where do you prefer to post and why?

definitely ao3, i just love its interface i guess?

49) do you care if people comment on/ reblog your writing? why/why not?

okay so here’s the deal. ofc i care. every artist who shares their work, every creator, cares; at least to a degree. it’s why we share. we want people to see and love and appreciate our work, we want it recognised and celebrated even. we want people to engage with it, show it to their friends, talk abt it, have thoughts abt it. it’s only natural and ofc i’m absolutely no exception

with that said. i’ve always tried to remind myself that kudos/likes are also engagement. that even just reading is engagement. that everyone’s limit or ability for engagement isn’t the same, and that ultimately it’s their choice how or if they’ll engage with my writing. i try to, and i do, value everyone who even just reads my stories. i share something with the world for free and it’s my choice to do and continue to do so. what happens after that isn’t up to me

so yes i do care a lot abt reblogs and comments. they make me very happy, they validate and encourage me. but people have no obligation, in my eyes at least, to engage with my works a specific way. just like i have no specific obligation to provide a certain type of content on set periods of time or with a set limit of words or to continue to provide stories; or literally any other obligation. no one can police my actions and choices up until i’ve posted a story and i can’t police anyone’s actions or choices after i’ve posted it. and that’s the beauty of fandom for me - we’re all here bc we want to and bc it makes us happy, with no expectations or obligations

ending this with an essay seems only suitable sdfghjkd thank you my egg for giving me the opportunity to talk abt myself in such length 😌💜

#ask #snowonebutyou #ask game #i don’t even know if i did this right sdfghj #but i loved it #btw it’s 6:30pm right now lmao

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nimmy22 · 3 years

Text

A Mistake: Chapter 9

Sweat covered her skin as the top of her head rocked against the trunk of Wesker's car. Every bump on the road jolted her body, rattling her clenched teeth. Cara felt suffocated in the plastic bag sticking to her skin with sweat. Wesker had insisted on no clothes, but at least he had the decency to turn around as she stripped fully before placing herself in this predicament. Not every girl who finds herself naked in the trunk of a car necessarily wished for it. Yes, she had begged Wesker for help, but that did not mean she will raise the negative star rating for this shady transportation trip where she was cargo.

Wesker told her very little about where they were going. In fact, he did not speak the whole way. She really hoped he hadn't forgotten about her. Her eyes kept drifting closed only to blink wide as the dispatcher spoke over the police radio. "Calling all available units. Hostage situation at Bernard 667. Back-up needed."

"Looks like I'll have to leave you with my contact. I am needed back at work," Wesker said, keeping his eyes on the dark road. It was bad timing, but he was forced to keep up pretenses. He will simply have to trust his contact to take care of things.

Cara recognized it as a street on the less fortunate side of town, a bank not two blocks from her apartment building. Something like this should not be unusual on that side of town, but there had been a massive decline in criminal activity in the city for years.... until now. Cara hoped this was a one-time thing and did not mean something larger. She asked nothing about who the contact was, knowing questions are often useless with Wesker.

The drive felt like an eternity, a suffocating one. Her motion sickness came in waves, crashing into her with powerful currents before receding. She dry heaved several times, but her stomach was emptied long before she entered the car. She was exhausted and dehydrated. Her muscles moved weakly, barely holding her up as she lay on her side.

Soon the gravel road became smoother and less bumpy as Wesker pulled into the garage of a house on the outskirts of Raccoon City. The doors slid shut after them, keeping out the only light in the space. Wesker did not exit the car nor turned off the car's ignition. Two men marched straight for the trunk and dragged a bewildered Cara out. To Wesker, she resembled a cat who was about to be thrown into a bath. It was a delicious sight he enjoyed behind his shades.

Cara pushed and shoved, feeling unfamiliar hands lifting her body as soon as the trunk opened. The darkened garage made it hard to discern the tools pinned to the walls or much of the men's faces. Her muscles tightened as she struggled to plant her feet on the ground. But no matter how hard her aching muscles fought, more hands griped her, restraining her movement. Catching Wesker's glare in the rear-view mirror, she froze. His eyes weren't reassuring nor held a touch of warmth. They threatened her, arresting her screams into muffled whines that barely left her lips. She looked away immediately, reminded by the amount of power he had over her life...and when it was time to die. The struggle left her, and she allowed the men to take her inside the home. No sooner did the door shut behind them did the car drive off. Swallowing the thickness in her throat, Cara's only wished to crawl into a hole and disappear.

Cara was led into the center of a pale white room with no furniture or windows. Before she could ask about where she was, a high-pressured hose blasted her with ice-cold water with a bruising force. She was left coughing, lips trembling as she weakly cried, "p-please s-stop."

No matter where she cowered in the small room, the water would still blast her. There was nothing to hid behind. She had only her hands to shield herself, but that could only do so much.

They didn't stop, only switching to blasting her with a strong-smelling chemical that had her eyes burn before it even made contact with them. Someone came in and scrubbed her nails, cutting them so close to the nail beds that they bled. Chemicals were forced into her mouth, and she was ordered to gargle but instead choked, burning her lungs. She soon realized she was being disinfected from all evidence of the day that lingered on her body. By the end of the ordeal, she felt as if she had lost layers of skin, standing naked, huddled, and shivering. By the time they were satisfied, her hair was rough and brittle, reddened skin scrubbed raw, not having enjoyed such a rough spa day.

Only at the end did they bandage her up, using the least noticeable means. A powerful ointment was evenly spread on the bump on her temple, already bringing the swelling down within hours. The bandages were very close to her skin tone. Strangers and possibly friends may not give it a second glance.

They coached her on what to say and do as a cover-up, a very aggressive acting lesson she would never forget. They created a story for her, drilling it into her mind. she felt like she was being forced to sign a false statement during an intensive interrogation. They didn't hurt her physically, but their words shattered the edges of her sanity.

The cover story was that Cara and Rick went for a hike in the Arkley forest. They had a good time and split ways just before evening. Cara had to go babysitting while Rick got a call from his dad, asking him to drive to the next town for a meet-up. His parents lived apart, divorced for several years. This was nothing new. Rick met his dad all the time behind his mom's back. He took the car and drove off, and that was the last time she saw him. Cara's alibi was that she was watching over Sherry for the Birkin’s. This was the story she was told to feed her friends and anyone who cared to ask. They assured her that the likelihood of any police officers approaching her with questions was low. They had people on all levels of the police force.

Given an ill-fitting pair of jeans and a dark sweater, she was again in the trunk of another car with no clue of the destination. She didn't realize she dozed off until the trunk popped open, and she was roughly shaken awake. Unfocused eyes blinked against the bright light before focusing on her surroundings. She recognized Wesker's garage, feeling a ting of relief at the familiar surroundings before more uncertainty filled her.

Stepping out of the car on shaky legs, Cara almost fell but held onto the car for dear life. As soon as she was no longer behind the car, it pulled out of the garage, silently driving off. She stood frozen, numbly staring even after the car was gone and the garage doors slid shut.

In a trance, her feet carried her inside, roaming through the home only to find it empty. Despite knowing Wesker had to go back to work, she half expected him to be home waiting for her. she felt as if she had been with those people for years, but it likely had been only a couple of hours. The only sound was the pitter-patter of her feet and her occasional sighs.

She sat on the living room couch, her back straight and her hands folded on her lap. Blankly she stared at the TV's pitch blackness, and what began as a tiny giggle became full-blown hysterical laughter and sobbing. Her reflection on the TV was the funniest joke she had ever seen.

------------------------------------

By the time Wesker had arrived, STARS had already infiltrated the bank neutralizing all but one robber. Wesker tsked, leaning against his car with a frown. Behind his shades, his eyes burned into the vehicles used by the STARS members.

They should have had everything under control hours ago. Wesker admits he may have been too lax on them the past few days due to a... particular distraction. Hating the inferior desire to justify failure with excuses for the incapability of his squad to take care of such a minor incident, he promised himself to go harsher on them.

While he usually had his emotions under control, he couldn't help but tap his foot, arms crossed. He wanted to check on Cara. The Robins were affiliated with Umbrella, and they weren't known for being tender with kids. Umbrella rathered, silencing than keeping silent. It was much easier to kill the loose ends. Still, Umbrella did employ the Robins' cleaning services from time to time.

If Cara wanted to survive in this world, she would have to endure and continue to endure. It would be a fun game to see whether she would leave his house and try to run. He loved cornering her, watching as she helplessly looked for an escape.

Forcing his thoughts to the present situation, Wesker gave an unkind smile. Several fools made the mistake of thinking that such a peaceful town had no way of protecting itself. All they likely saw was a city belonging to no other criminal organization, a free turf for them to set up shop for their business. With the misconception of an underfunded police department, they were too blind to see the monsters lurking in the deep waters they jumped into. No lifeguard could save them now. They were already dead. Wesker smirked, already knowing which potential project he will 'volunteer' them for.

His smirk disappeared as he glanced down at his watch, realizing his team took yet another ten minutes to do the job. This incompetent behavior was wearing him thin. Tomorrow they will pay for this, first thing in the morning.

----------------------------------------------

Wesker didn't have to look very hard to find Cara. His eyes were drawn to her as soon as he stepped into the living room. Plopping down beside her on the couch, Wesker placed an arm on the back of the couch behind her. He regarded her with a knowing look, "Rough night?"

"Sherry was wild today. Running after her was exhausting." without looking his way, she answered in a practiced voice, already using what she was forced to learn. she could almost feel them breathing down her neck, waiting for a single slip of the tongue to put a bullet between her eyes. "Some boy tried to kiss her at the school playground, and she didn't like it. she was very upset took it out on me."

"Someone most definitely taught that boy a lesson, didn't they, dearheart?" he glanced at her with a knowing look.

"He definitely won't ever try that again. His lesson was too real." her voice grim, eyes cast on the ground. She brought her knees to her chest and hugged them, resting her chin on top. She couldn't help but shiver, feeling the room lose a few degrees.

"Kids these days need better parenting, thinking they are entitled to everything only because their parents made them believe they are special. Every year, I am forced to entertain pathetic, talentless children at the annual school field trip to the police station. It's ridiculous how many of them simply believe they are cut out to be police officers simply by wanting it."

"That’s a dark outlook, especially from a dirty cop. You're not exactly a model officer." she couldn't help but smile. Oh the irony.

"Contrary to what you believe, I do my job too well. Except for tonight, offenders have either been dealt with or they up and left the city to work elsewhere. We don't leave a single crack for them to even dream of continuing operations. I created and trained a team of the best there is, and if it wasn't for them, the hostage situation would have ended very differently tonight."

"Did anyone get hurt?" she whispered, dreading the answer despite how everything that happened today. She still felt worried for Chris. He was all Claire had.

"Only those who deserved to," with a gloved finger under her chin, Wesker lifted her head to meet his eyes. His words struck Cara deeply, stealing her breath. She knew he wasn't talking about STARS. He meant Rick.

"But that's-" a gloved finger pressed against her lips.

"If it still bothers you, I can hug it all better." flames lit Cara's cheeks that even the faint glow of the living room couldn't hope to shield it from Wesker. He never misses any details, no matter how minute.

"N-no! That's not necessary." she stuttered, jumping to her feet.

"You're a mess. Come here." a firm tug on Cara's wrist pulled her against him. She pushed against his chest, trying to get off as his arms encircled her. She tried her best not to get distracted by the feeling of Wesker's muscles against her hands. His body wrapped her in warmth.

"Let go. I don't need a hug," Cara snapped, her voice embarrassingly weak and breathless.

"Did you say something, dearheart? I cannot hear anything over the pounding of your heart. It's almost going 90 a minute. tell me, what's the matter."

"Why do you have to be like this?"

"You mean supportive? Attentive? comforting?"

"How is this supportive? You're just messing with me." having been freezing cold for most of the night, this tiny bit of warmth allowed her endless comfort. After everything that happened today, she could use something as simple as a hug- even if it was from a well-dressed serial killer. It's not like she was innocent anymore. Her right to judge him is long gone. She sighed, releasing all the tension from her muscles as she rested her head on his shoulder. "Just don't complain that I'm too heavy. remember, you offered me."

With his hand tracing strokes over her back, several minutes of silence passed, neither of them changing positions. Cara's heart left the race, taking a rest from the overdrive. As much as she wanted to deny it, she liked how Wesker held her, touched her. No one had ever treated her like this before. She insisted these strange feelings and ideas were due to being in a state of vulnerability thanks to tonight's events. Wesker came to her in her moment of weakness. That had to be it. With that as an excuse, she snuggled even closer, savoring the scent of his cologne.

"I thought you were above skipping school to hook up with boys." he just had to ruin the moment. Cara did not miss the way his arms tightened around her, fully noting how his muscles shifted. What was his problem, she wondered? Was Wesker worried she would spill everything to some guy?

"I... I thought he was my friend.”

"Do not repeat this mistake. Everyone has their secrets. You can't ever know someone well enough to fully predict their every move."

"Ok, ok. I learned my lesson. No going to the woods alone with boys. I'll keep to the public spaces." Cara rolled her eyes, the last thing she needed tonight was a lecture on what she already knew.

"That won't do either."

"What? Am I supposed to quit dating just because of one super horrible date?" Cara pouted, crossing her arms as she glared at him.

"You forget your life is in my hands." Cara found his excuse ridiculous. He had no good reason to control her social life. She didn't go and run her mouth to anyone about what she saw, so why did he think he had the right to meddle in her affairs?

"Yeah, you like to remind me very often."

"Only because you seem to forget,"

"I think it's time I went home," she said, untangling herself with surprisingly no resistance from him. he let her slide off his lap, following her as she not so subtly rushed to the door. She was half expecting him to wrap a hand around her throat and end it all.

Before Cara could open the door, she was pressed against it. His arms caged her as she felt every contour of his body against hers. Her heart thundered in her ears, heat rising to color her cheeks before taking a detour to pool between her legs. Her body betrayed her, responding to the touch of a serial killer.

"You'll likely be needing a new place to live soon," he whispered in her ear, lips brushing her skin like velvet.

"What?" she asked dumbly, unable to entirely focus on his words with the way he leaned into her.

"How are your parents doing?" it was like an bucket of ice was poured over her head. She furrowed her brows, not knowing where he was taking the conversation.

"They're...fine. Keeping busy...somewhere," Cara lied, biting her tongue. But was it a lie? There wasn't all that much reason for them to be hurt. Wherever they went its was probably safer than here.

"If you see them, tell them I said hello," he said, stepping back.

Cara had to lean against the door to stop herself from sliding down, her knees shaky, her mind troubled by all these cues.

Why would he say 'if' rather than 'when' she would see them? Did he know something he wasn't letting on?

Why was he being so confusing? One minute he was cold, threatening, abandoning her with those horrible people and the next he was trying to hug her, stealing touches at every chance.

She just needed to get back home, there she could think more clearly.

-----------------------

That night, Cara slept in her parent's bedroom, surrounded by their fading scent. Despite everything her parents did to her, she felt comforted on their bed, like a kid again on an overly large bed. A kid who knew nothing of the world's cruelty. A kid who did not have to kill for survival.

#resident evil #albert wesker x oc #claire redfield #oc #albert wesker

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