I need non autistic people to realise meltdowns are a real debilitating thing that has a serious effect on your mental and physical health NOWWWWW!!! The way its been trivialized and lessened pisses me the fuck off. It's not a tantrum and it doesn't come from "being too weak-willed" it's painful and it's embarrassing AND MOST OF ALL IT'S INVOLUNTARY!! Don't claim to be an ally to autistic or disabled people and then make fun of people who have meltdowns. Literally get the hell out of my sight

I have sadly absorbed so much of that "write when you don't want to" "writing is discipline not fun" crap that I began to associate writing as something I have to do so I stopped because I can't make myself do anything.

My brain will just shut down due to demand avoidance. The message that I have to do something is the antithesis of what I need to succeed much less to find that it's even worth doing.

I have started writing again because it doesn't feel like I HAVE to do it and even though it's just trashy smut drabbles they were written with true passion that I haven't felt for a very long time.

For some people, telling them they need discipline is the last thing you should ever say to them, or indeed yourself if you're anything like me and your brain shuts down like a TV that lost its signal at even the implication of a demand.

PDA autism is such a difficult thing to understand until you figure out that at the heart of it is the drive to be in control, which I cannot be no matter what when a thing feels like a requirement.

Yes, even when it's me telling myself I need to do something. Yes, even when I want to do that thing. Telling myself I just need to power through it was the hugest fucking mistake because that message to my brain is anathema and it DOES NOT WORK.

It doesn't mean I'm lazy. It doesn't mean I'm this disgusting human being who just doesn't care enough to try. It means that I'm neurodivergent so certain motivators that may help many neurotypical people are disabling for me.

I have the passion. I have the bravado. I have the scenes burning through my mind. I told myself that I needed to write them and it all came to an ass-grinding halt, and I could keep saying I needed to write until I was blue in the face and it did not matter.

I couldn't squeeze a sentence out no matter how many times I repeatedly closed and opened my document until I eventually gave up, my day ruined.

I crawled into bed and the second "I need to write" left my head, BAM, wild dreams about my characters. Holy shit that was awesome! Holy shit I need to wri-wash, rinse, repeat.

The subconscious portion of me, or whatever the fuck I guess is the greater version of me, the completely beautifully feral part of me that is one hundred percent credited for all of that filthy smut I wrote when I stopped "needing to write" has its claws hooked in my ass, and it will dig its heels in and resist demands at all costs.

My brain is like a Chinese finger trap. I have needlessly pulled, and believe me I've pulled hard, over and over with "just do it" motivational speakers and TED Talks, none of which ultimately planted my ass in a chair to finish a novel despite that those hours sunk into watching YouTube were quite entertaining.

Even when I DESPERATELY want to do something, the second I feel internally like it's a requirement my brain will go nope sorry man, then go blue screen of death, and I'm stuck there in limp noodle mode completely unable to cut through the static.

It has made me want to scream in frustration because I didn't understand my own brain and I inadvertently rendered myself INCAPABLE, not unwilling to, do what I want to do more than anything, WRITE.

You know where the pain stems from? It's not a lack of discipline. It's years of trying to change and praying that I could change something completely immutable inside of me.

And you know what? Knowing now that no amount anything can ever "fix me" and that I can never change freed me and healed my soul. I can't fit in the round hole, and I realize that now to my sweet relief, that it's a fucking beautiful thing.

All of which to say writing will never be a requirement for me, and I will never be disciplined or determined or any of that bullshit again. I will write whatever I want, whenever I want, and if I never want to write again then I will never write again.

The End.

Get to know me game!

I was tagged by @tododeku-or-bust! Thank you 💖. I will no obligation tag @omgkalyppso @cheshirepirouette @ahasiw-okitowin @razrogue & anyone who would like to join!

1. Are you named after anyone?

I have a couple names. My birthname I believe I was named after someone on my mother's side of the family, but I'm not certain. As for my actual names, if it counts, Salamatullah is a theophoric name, so it bears the name of God (Allah) :)

2. When was the last time you cried?

The other day, I was certain everyone I loved was dead and that I was about to die (I was not, no one had died. give it up for psychosis)

3. Do you have kids?

No, but I've been mistaken for being a parent since I was like 16 lmao

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

Before my health was Bad(tm), I played a lot of sports in my youth. My favorite was figure skating, though I also played hockey, basketball, volleyball, baseball, archery, etc. through various community programs. I also was a founding member of my high schools cheerleading team, before the transphobia caused me to leave it. And I did horseback riding through a special olympics kinda program.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Sometimes. Not as often as people I know.

6. What is the first thing you notice about people?

Very little. Genuinely can't think of a specific, I'm very bad with faces and people in general 😂. I think I usually notice piercings or tattoos, maybe just because I have piercings and tattoos so I like seeing other people with em.

7. What's your eye color?

Brown!

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Man... I love both.

9. Any talents?

Talent always feels like a strong word. I suppose art is something I'm talented at. And since I've started beading people have said I'm talented with that. I'd like to think I retain some programming talent and technical writing talent from university.

10. Where were you born?

United States, in Minnesota specifically

11. What are your hobbies?

I do a lot of crafts: knitting, embroidery, sewing, beading. Like mentioned I draw, I also write. I like to read. I play video games. I like writing analysis essays about media.

12. Do you have any pets?

Yes! My old man. He's a little guy and gonna be 14. He's my beloved elderly puppy.

13. How tall are you?

5'9.5 I believe. I get measured pretty regularly since I'm always at the doctor.

14. Favorite subject in school?

In high school, math was my favorite because it was the only one I was good at. In university, linguistics was my favorite but that was quite soured by the fact that academia and linguists in general tend to be horrifically racist and classist and colonialist and I experienced countless of microaggressions every day. (be wary of any yt linguist, self-identified or otherwise)

15. Dream job?

Might seem weird but I would like to be a custodian, but only if we're talking dream where I can also dream up a custodial job that accommodates my disabilities, doesn't treat me as subhuman, and pays enough to life comfortably. I like cleaning, I like doing repetitive tasks, I like that its work that doesn't require me to talk with many people, I can just put on music and chill. It's a perfect autism job. But I don't think I could take the way (white) people treated me when I was cleaning for them.

Hey there I got my autism and adhd diagnosis a few months ago and since then most people I've told didn't believe that I have autism. I have my school therapist tell me that he believes that I got misdiagnosed. People told me that I don't seem autistic because I don't fit into the stereotypes and have gotten very good at making. It can be very frustrating when people don't believe you even though you have medical conversation.

So I just wanted to say thank you for sharing more information on the topic it helps me understand myself more and it helps others understand.

I also wanted to ask if you have any resources on Dyslexia since I have that as well. I can't really find much information on it and it would help. (If you don't that's also totally fine)

thank's

Hi there,

I’m glad my blog has been helping you. :)

I’ll leave some information about dyslexia below. This first excerpt comes from the Mayo Clinic:

Dyslexia is a learning disorder that involves difficulty reading due to problems identifying speech sounds and learning how they relate to letters and words (decoding). Also called a reading disability, dyslexia is a result of individual differences in areas of the brain that process language.

The article will be below, as it goes into the symptoms for children, teens, and adults.

This next excerpt comes from the International Dyslexia Association:

Dyslexia refers to a cluster of symptoms, which result in people having difficulties with specific language skills, particularly reading. Students with dyslexia usually experience difficulties with other language skills such as spelling, writing, and pronouncing words. Dyslexia affects individuals throughout their lives; however, its impact can change at different stages in a person’s life. It is referred to as a learning disability because dyslexia can make it very difficult for a student to succeed academically in the typical instructional environment, and in its more severe forms, will qualify a student for special education, special accommodations, or extra support services.

This article will be below too if you’d like to read it.

I hope these sources help you. Thank you for the inbox. I hope you have a wonderful day/night. ❤️

I think one of the worst things about being schizotypal is that...you constantly doubt everything and I mean EVERYTHING, for example my mom for a long time was extremely emotionally and mentally manipulative towards me along with small forms of neglect (medically, emotionally but never physically) and even though my therapist has even said YES YOUR MOM DID THIS ITS TRUE I just can't fully believe it like what if it was just my delusions messing with me, what if it was all false memories, and worst of all that maybe I was just not seeing the truth and that truly makes me question everything. I hate being this way and I feel so isolated because of it.

I can always tell in some way after being reality checked that some things may not be what it seems, but there is that one side of me that I can't really tell you with 100% certainty that "yeah this real" or "yeah this thing is just in my head" and as I continue to grow up the worst this becomes and its terrifying. Tbh I wouldn't wish even my worst enemies to have schizotypal because this disorder blurs the line so much and make you question you existence every second of the day.

I feel like I can't even hold my job anymore because my disorder messes with me to the point I can't be just a normal customer service person without having bad moments and what's worse is the place I work at doesn't even care truly about how much this has taken a toll on me I've tried changing positions several times and have been rejected both times with pathetic excuses of how "I just need to push myself more" but I can't anymore I want to quit but no other job pays well that doesn't include having some type of college degree and that sucks. The worst part is the fact that the place I work at claims so much that "oh we are SUPER INCLUSIVE but only mentions at most about autism when talking about mental health, which is great, but also sucks cuz they forget about the biggest group of people that have stigmatized disorders that are jobless because their disorder makes daily life impossible (this also includes that Don't give a crap about people who are not as they put it 'abled' aka physically disabled people with invisible illnesses)

In conclusion I hate how life, no society, treats people like me and you just because we aren't perfect little molds of model society. this shouldn't mean we don't deserve basic rights and a chance to live as functionally as possible, I hate knowing that a statistic hangs over my head that I am supposedly destined for failure, when it shouldn't. we are human just as much as neurotypicals, we deserve to be treated as such rather than be seen as freaks or Monsters

I feel much better letting this out for it has been boiling I my mind for far to long so thank you for reading this sorry if it isn't perfect grammar wise, but I needed to get this off my chest so once again thank you, and most importantly...

Don't be afraid to be you for we deserve to have our voices be heard rather than be silenced. Stay safe remember to take care of yourself cuz I know a lot of us including myself struggle with that.

Yeah I worked with autistic kids. In my time at that job, I was slapped, had hard objects thrown at me, got hit in the head with a large plastic tub, had mud thrown at me, had water dumped on me and had my personal belongings thrown across the room. My clients would scream and cry on the floor and pick up whatever was around them and destroy it. One of my client's moms had her expensive electronics smashed several times. All of them were either non-verbal or miniminally verbal. Then people who are actually autistic but are not as special needs or are self-diagnosed based on a few tiktok videos have the nerve to say that trying to change these behaviors is abuse. I've also seen a lot of these ppl being nasty to the moms of autistic children. They can't vent about their struggles or talk about how it effects their mental health without being accused of being ableist. I saw the toll it took on the parents first-hand. I saw my clients' moms break down crying because they desperately wanted to help their children but had no idea how. They try so hard every day and then get abused by teens on tiktok who have never been around a real autistic person in their lives. Yes, autistic people deserve love and acceptance and accommodations. But the people who live with autistic people also deserve compassion and understanding.

I feel like you somehow heard my thoughts and wrote them in this ask. That’s another thing people don’t talk about. It is very common for lower to mid functioning kids to lash out violently (obviously not just to be mean, they can’t control it). And when you’re dealing with a kid and maybe it’s just a few scratches and bruises, that’s seen as cute and “it’s worth it😽.” But people forgot autistic kids get older and bigger and their disorder still makes them lash out and there’s a huge difference between a five year old pushing, screaming, and hitting you and a fully grown heavy man. Once again, I know it’s not their fault, but that’s the reality people don’t talk about. Some very bad things happened because of my sibling consistently, violently lashing out every other day and he was already very big. Tall and very heavy. Though he never attacked me, he could’ve easily over powered me. Fun fact, it was the violent lashing out because of his Autism that led to my eating disorder i still have to day. Fun story. Also I can’t go to my grandparent’s vacation home without always having a small feeling of wanting to throw up.

Also I truly believe that people who work with severely mentally disabled children, teens, and adults should be paid more CEO’s and politicians. They wouldn’t last a day. Yet the pay for this job is very low, leading under educated or not educated at all people to be in charge which is unfair to both the kids and the person.

The violence. No one ever talks about the violence. Yes, some cute autistic kid may be smiling as he plays with his trains and someone takes a photo commenting about how beautiful autism is. Then they leave the room when they lash out and bite, kick, punch, and throw objects possibly for hours. And it happens every day.

Mental illness is what broke me as a person. Untreated severe personality disorders taking care of an autistic child and a “normal” child. The bottom line is that I’m super fucked up and used to be insanely more fucked up years ago. Autism (not autistic people) broke me in a way that I’ll never be able to repair. AND YOU FUCKING THINK ITS A QUIRKY TRAIT? Oooo I overstimulated because the lights were too bright. THATS NOT ENOUGH TO PROVE YOURE AUTISTIC.

Also the autistic mom things is spot on. I don’t even think about commenting because I’d be ripped to shreds despite being in the exact same position for eighteen year and first handedly witnessing it. You know what? Raising an Autistic child is hard. Even the best parents in the world will have moments where it’s too hard. If I was left with all this damage just being a sister of an autistic child, how do you think it was for my mentally ill parents??? Parents deserve to vent.

This is a topic where if you haven’t gone through it, you don’t have a say. It’s a thing you can’t describe and you will never understand unless you’ve gone through it. It’s fucking hard. It’s also hard for the autistic child as well. They want to communicate and be like other people. You don’t have a fucking say in how parents or siblings of autistic children should feel and you should be fucking ashamed if you ever have

I just want to add as I don’t think I made it clear earlier that there is absolutely no shame for leaving that job. It is physical abuse. It takes a super specific personality to be able to be okay with that and most people don’t have it and it’s fine. Once again, the people who shame you for leaving have this fucking fake, quiet, peaceful image of smiling kids sitting and drawing, maybe stimming once in a while. Yes, at times they can be like this. But a lot of time is spent lashing out, putting themselves and others around them in danger. Even if they’re small children. That is a job that needs to express what it will contain before you take it. You should’ve been warned your safety was at risk. Resources both in and out of schools are underfunded with employees that are often undereducated on Autism and how to handle symptoms, are underpaid turning many people off, or both. It’s such an insanely bad topic that isn’t a fucking trend. It took part in ruining me. I just will keep ranting if I don’t stop

Toxic Positivity: Why the Cup's Not Always Half Full

“How do you stay optimistic with all that’s happening in the world?” It's a question I've been asked many times.

I have always been positive, I’m not sure I would call myself optimistic. My exterior comes with deep internal conflicts. Internal conflicts that started as far back as a child, with a disability I didn't know I had.

Difficult circumstances and emotional pain

Even through difficult experiences and in emotional pain, I always thought I should have a positive outlook. Being positive saved me, but it is important to continue to be positive, because without it, your mental health can change.

But I've never been free of emotional conflict. It's why when I first got my cerebral palsy diagnosis, I decided to start a blog and The CP Diary was born. This blog explains why the cup isn't always half full. It can't be. Depending on our circumstances the cup half full, can always change to half empty.

Deep Internal Conflicts

If you know my story, you'll know I’ve had a lot of things to contend with. Also, having lost my mother to cancer 16 years ago in 2007, losing my father 10 years ago in 2013, the UK then called time on their relationship with the EU and the 2016 referendum was called, then the pandemic struck. I got Covid in November 2022, then through my twin's trauma and mental health issues, I lost her on the 10th December 2022, while still recovering from Covid, so I never got to say goodbye to her. That’s a lot of internal conflict and grief to deal with. I've struggled my way through all of it.

The words don't always flow freely

With all that to have to deal with, around my writing, I can find myself stuck, the words don't always flow freely. Luckily, I write in advance, so I have blogs to call on. Truthfully, I've been struggling for months, since my twin died. For anyone following my blog, they may have noticed I put more feature page quotes out in those times, so that I can deal with my mental health.

With the blog you get to see a different side of me. In my personal life and with autism, I struggle daily to block out the noise. Dealing with losing my twin, it's also become harder for me to block the noise out. This is me 'laid bare'.

Plunging into more anxiety, mayhem and darkness

A few scrolls on social media apps to get my writing out and I am plunged into more anxiety and darkness. But I write, because not to would put me into a worse mental space. The noise I talk about, would simply go on around me instead. In the 10 months since I lost my twin, I wake up and struggle to motivate myself. I can't believe she's gone. Some days I’m not even dressed by lunch time. But that's okay, I'm being kind to myself.

Trying to find my voice

There is no doubt, I've been plunged into darkness. There is no doubt, social media, has also been plunged into mayhem and darkness. The darkness I talk about doesn't just affect me, we’re all affected by the darkness of politics, of our time. I appreciate what I write may not rest comfortably, but you would do well to prep. Not to prep, can plunge you into darkness when you least expect and are ill prepared. Shit doesn't not happen because we choose to ignore it's going on.

Don't judge a book by its cover

My personal life is far from rosy as my words, or my blog. I struggle and continue to struggle, but I continue to do my best so that others can feel better about what they deal with. We are all affected by mental health.

Doing my best to inspire others

The topics I write about affect all of us. We’re all suffering from inflation, cost of living crisis, businesses in dire straits, shops on the high street closed, jobs disappearing. We’re afraid of the future of what is to come. We all have reason to be. We can try to be the light in the dark.

As I continue to carry on with my writing, on my blog, I do my best to help explain, inform, give hope through explanations and also to inspire. I continue to be open, honest and transparent. I hope you will continue to support.

For Sheila.

For more lifestyle blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com

I saw a post on @birdofmay's blog that got me thinking. I actually started a reblog, to (thankfully!) realize in time my brain had skipped over several points of theirs in its utter joy at seeing autism explained in a visual way that made perfect sense to us.

So, because I do feel the need to talk about this from my own perspective, I'm sharing only the relevant part of the original blog - but linking to it so you can read on what autism, specifically 'severe' autism as it's labeled, feels like for OP.

Taken from @birdofmay's blog:

""I just saw one of those "autism isn't linear, it's a spectrum" posts again and one picture was that how much the traits are pronounced could look like this:

And yeah, exactly, to use the outdated terms "high functioning" and "low functioning" - this individual here would be considered high functioning. Some traits are very pronounced and in fact very disabling. That's why "high functioning" dismisses the struggles of those autistics.

But they are considered high functioning because there are many traits that aren't that pronounced.""

This is the part my brain lasered on. Here's the thing: as I've stated before, I got my diagnosis back in January, at age 42. Since then, I did a hyperfast catch-up, and one part of it was, somehow, to get a bit involved on Tumblr. To put it simply: I discovered just how wide and often disabling a spectrum autism is.

And I started feeling like a fraud. Like I didn't deserve to call myself 'autistic' because I wasn't suffering 'enough' compared to people labeled, say, low-functioning. From that black-and-white comparison model, I was more of a high-functioning autistic. It's true I can shower with ease (except for the physical fatigue), cook, dress, etc etc do 'normal' things from being raised in a 'normal' way because hell if anyone knew something was actually inherently different with me. Different times. I had depression back in the '90s, when it wasn't even perceived as a disease - or as real! So autism? All we saw of that was kids (male kids!) hitting themselves and rocking and making shrill sounds and, forgive the terminology, not seeming human. At least, from a 'normal' vantage point. Which is certainly what made me believe, at first, that I could not possibly be autistic. Chatting with a friend and reading up on autism in women drastically changed this decrepit, dehumanizing perspective I am ashamed was still my brain's comprehension of autism a mere year ago.

Talking with people who function differently/'worse' than me did as well. To a point where I started to dismiss my own struggles since they're not 'bad/disabling enough'.

Gods. Fuck that mentality of mine.

And this circles me back to OP's words: That's why "high functioning" dismisses the struggles of those autistics. Gods. EXACTLY. And I'm not gonna compare myself to someone who can't articulate vocally, or who struggles to walk a straight line, and whose good days are certainly worse than my bad days. That's not what this post is about.

It's about not dismissing yourself, wherever on that spectrum you are. And, perhaps more importantly, not comparing yourself (and your pain!) to someone else's. Because all that achieves is hurt. And we already suffer enough from our own brains being fickle, stubborn, self-sabotaging assholes.

As an interesting exercise, I placed myself on every point on this wheel (copying this image purely to have the colour descriptions, check the original blog for the black line's explanation)

Motor skills: few to no issues

Perception: way too acute

Sensory: sharp lights and noises are pain; worse/sensitive to more on bad days

Language: few to no issues except during meltdowns

Executive Function: complicated most of the time

Social, because I feel this is missing: limited anxiety, able to talk to strangers, but exhausting

I consider myself well-functional overall. I have few needs, but they are deep needs - like avoiding getting too much light in, avoiding people (especially chatty ones), avoiding noisy environments... because this is pain to me. Pain that can lead to meltdown that can and will lead to outward aggression. I thus don't know what functioning category I'm in.

And that is where the wheel feels like the best explanation possible for me - a spectrum that is so wide and broad and perceived so differently from person to person. And why my brain quickly obsessed with sharing it and here we are now. Hopefully with me not doing a rude thing again XD but the information feels more important than the risk, if only because:

I feel it needs known, by all, on the spectrum or not, that autism is in fact a very wide spectrum, and that all on it, whether officially diagnosed or not, are not only welcome with their struggles and successes, but that their perceptions of their own lives are VALID.

And I'm telling myself that too. Stop comparing! Stop thinking that, because you're 'lucky' enough to be able to talk and write and do stuff, that your voice isn't valid. In fact, it's rude towards those who can't because, unwittingly, and unwillingly I'll give myself that but now that I've come across the thought I feel horrible about it, it's somehow placing yourself above them. Or them beneath you. And that's not what a spectrum is about. Even though I grasp, and I'm sure others grasp this as well towards themselves, we are conditioned to believe we aren't worth as much once we deviate from the norm.

Well, fuck the norm. Even 'autistic' 'norms'.

There really is no norm. Only experiences, perceptions, values. Surely other things I can't come up with now. But the bottom line is: everyone, ND or not, suffers in their own way. Some more, some less. And we shouldn't invalidate our struggles because someone, in our perception, 'suffers more'. Just like we can't invalidate their suffering because, in our perception... well, our perception doesn't understand their suffering.

I feel breathless. Too many thoughts. Realizations. Desire for tolerance and understanding. Lil' bit of anxiety too, posting this. Maybe I shouldn't. But ah well. Openness and all that shit. Screw tags. Too personal.

Chris Chan has got to be one of the most documented people in the internet. I can't imagine having almost every detail of my life for the whole world to see even though I haven't done horrible things like Chris has

god I know right. the idea of everything being that documented... it's honestly eerie as hell. no matter what Chris Chan does or tries, it's all being watched and documented and analysed and man. to think she could have avoided all this if she had just unplugged the internet in like, 2007.

right now I'm still in the early stages, like 17 videos in or so. at the moment I just feel desperately sorry for her. I'm not sure what fucked up shit she might do going forward, and of course I know about the incest charges which is yikes all on its own, but at the moment I can't help but feel desperately sorry for her. like, it's funny in a car crash way, but it's also really not funny at all. right now she's just this autistic young adult living with two abusive parents, who's being harassed by dozens of people online. because of her autism she's incapable of being able to identify trolls until it's far too late, and then more trolls befriend her and she falls for the exact same tricks again because she's inherently too trusting and can't tell when people are being sarcastic or when they're actually ridiculing her. at the moment her closest friend is a girl named Kacey, who's trying to give Chris "advice" to better her life, and on the surface it's all solid advice -- get a job, exercise more, eat healthier, etc -- but it's all designed to set Chris up for more ridicule, and no matter what progress Chris reports, Kacey twists it and uses it to ridicule her and trash her confidence. earlier on I listened to a phone call recording where Chris's mother was caught berating Chris and emotionally manipulating her in the background, and when Chris got back on the line to Kacey, Kacey took Chris's mother's side and started also berating Chris for the same thing. it's honestly so fucked up -- like underneath all the inherent hilarity that comes from a situation so fucking weird, it's impossible to ignore the fact that this is an account of the long-term emotional abuse of a deeply vulnerable adult. whatever Chris might have done in the future, I firmly believe that there's a strong case to be made for the fact she was driven to this point. the constant trolling and the fact that she cannot trust anybody in her life to be who they say they are has created a deep rift between Chris and reality, and I wouldn't be surprised if she's been driven to honest to god clinical psychosis because of all the stress and torment.

if it had just been brief -- a spate of the earlier trolling at the beginning, where they teased her a bit about Sonichu and convinced her she was in a chat with Billy Mays or whatever, that would have been fine. everyone was getting trolled like that back in the day. but at some point it veered away from trolling and went into literal torture. like, I'm going to go under the cut here because this got suddenly serious on an ask that's pretty casual (sorry about that), but it's been bothering me since I saw it and I have to mention it now. sincere warning for anyone reading my Chris Chan documentary chronicles just for the lighter parts, because in my mind what I'm about to discuss is literal, actual torture of a disabled person.

the other day I watched the video where the trolls hacked into Chris's PlayStation account, which had a lot of games and progress she was obviously proud of. being autistic, she's obviously much more attached than these trolls can appreciate -- video games are clearly one of her special interests, and she understandably gets very distressed when the trolls threaten to sell the account. there's a whole bunch of convoluted stuff that happens, but the main event is that they use the leverage of the account to get Chris into doing shit to "win" it back. they end up making her cut her Sonichu medallion (a comfort item that she wears constantly) into four pieces, and stick the pieces up her ass. on video.

the video isn't shown on YouTube, obviously, but the audio is. in it, the trolls can be heard urging her on, insisting she stick it properly up there ("until I can't see it anymore", is how one of them put it). also captured on the audio is Chris, making sounds of pain and also apparently crying, which she is then ridiculed for.

I mean. I was genuinely disturbed by this, as I'm sure most people with even a smidgen of a conscience would be. this is sexual abuse. this is torture. this is not trolling, this is not doing something "for the lulz". this is a small group of genuine psychopaths banding together long after the regular trolling is done, to torture a person who is incapable of defending herself and who has no responsible adult in her life to protect her from people like this. this shit, when compared to legitimate harmless trolling like Liquid Chris, who winds Chris up but never actively harms her (at least to what I've seen so far) and is so ridiculous that everybody can see through it (even Chris herself, who knows that Liquid Chris is a faker and isn't being deceived by Liquid Chris in any way), is night and day. Liquid Chris is genuine trolling, the kind that aims to get you mad and then goes no further. what these other people are doing is abuse and torture. they're clearly a core group of individuals who realised they had an easy target and decided to take advantage of it, and they're all honest to god sociopaths. they should face charges for this shit.

I apologise for getting serious on this post, but I need to be honest here. as much as I'm enjoying the drama and the more ridiculous and admittedly hilarious bits of this story, between all the tamer pieces of legitimate trolling is a serious case of ableism. vulnerable adults like Chris are abused like this every day, and the fact that this can be so well-documented online and still nobody did anything to help her is absolutely astounding. because Chris is "cringe", everybody seemed to collectively decide that she deserved this treatment, when really at the end of the day she began as an autistic teenager who was super passionate about her OC and wanted to upload comics about him online. like. that was her only crime, and it ended like this.

just... god damn.

I enjoy criticizing/analyzing media but I think I misinterpret a lot of subtext because of my autism. I thought about it again when seeing your My Pride review and the part about Powerstrike in episode 1 (I had thought she was only hesitating to respond because she was preoccupied by worry, like "oh no, is she going to be okay?") but there are lots of other examples too. I'm trying to practice to get better but it's a bit embarrassing in the meantime xD Any tips?

One of our criticisms of MP is how there's a lack of understanding in "movie language" because the show will have a line of dialogue or use a trope, but it won't be properly done or it'll be done but because the creator doesn't really know what it's intended use is for. Movie language is something that people understand without really needing to understand it.  But if you’re directing something, you kind of need to know what it means otherwise you’re misleading your audience with the wrong messaging.

Like sad music combined with dull colors indicate a sad scene. When a character references something we haven't seen yet, we can make the assumption its going to be brought up later at some point. Stuff like that. It's normal story beats, just in movie format.

In episode 1 it goes

Powerstrike: What's wrong with your leg? Nothing: It hurts when I step on it. Fire: But she's okay otherwise. Hurt is better than dead. Powerstrike: -pauses- Of course, Fire.

Her immediate thought is not to ask if she's okay. She asks her "what's wrong with your leg". So what she says, is exactly what she means. We can't fill in any blanks with dialogue that isn't there.

When that scene happens, she agreed with Fire as a way to placate her cubs, instead of her outright disagreeing with him. The pause is meant to show that she does not actually believe "hurt is better than dead". So even if it was "Oh no is she going to be okay?" the language and beats is meant to show exactly what she's thinking, by hesitantly concurring with Fire instead of confidently agreeing with his statement. Her pausing and not having an immediate reaction shows her reservations about her child being disabled.

And again, to understand what a show means, is to take what a character is actually saying as what they're actually feeling. Not imagining they're thinking something that's not actually shown, and therefore inconclusive. We could talk all day about what a character was thinking, but if its not actually shown, then it's not true. And if one thing was the intention, but another thing was shown, then that's just poor execution and failing to make the point to the audience.

But this is made confusing, because it's not actually brought up again. Powerstrike never backs up her own feelings about Nothing's injury because Powerstrike is an inconsistent character. - Cat

i can't see your replies to these people (they probably deleted them?), but i can already tell that they're the type that want both to insist upon their right to do and think whatever they want, which is fine and well, but also to be *right* and never responsive to any actual evidence or argumentation. a lot more comfortable to write off things as "western" than offer up a solid critique of them. they're objectively stupid and gullible buy think theyre not because theyre anti status quo

I dont think Selfown is stupid or malicious I just think they have confused things. Its totally understandable to be skeptical of new medicines. Just like you dont buy a new model car, you wait until the kinks have been worked out in the design. Its understandable that people are afraid, especially because a lot of people dont have the knowledge and skills to separate real information and crackpots. They by default dont trust doctors, they listen to people who they trust who say things about living natural or not needing modern medicine.

But where they go dangerously wrong is in thinking that this is a private decision that only affects themselves. Actually especially when they started talking about how they dont trust WELL proven vaccines like chicken pox and spewing bullshit like "chicken pox is actually integral to brain development" and herd immunity bullshit. That stuff is obviously wrong and literally kills children. We have decades of data on vaccines like polio or the mumps and we KNOW, we KNOW that they are so so so much better than allowing children to get life threatening diseases. The statistics work out so well in our favor for most vaccines. You have to actually be some kind of radical primitivist to say that you want more children to die of preventable diseases, which is what would happen if we stopped vaccinating.

Their arguments about the downsides are entirely based in fear, basically. Fear of the "unnatural" it's a pretty common pathology these days, were so bombarded with things that we domt understand that some people think that the best response they can have is to just jettison everything they dont understand. I dont understand vaccines so therefore I'm afraid of them.

And the fact is that theres nothing wrong with those people. You cant convince them with facts because they dont have faith. They dont have faith in scientists. Which is what it is, science is a religion as much as any other. Personally I know enough science and scientists that I do have faith in them, I do truly believe that most people working in scientific fields are genuinely smart and good people who want to help the world. The problem is that anti vaxxers and people like selfown dont have that faith, they are inherently suspicious of scientists for many understandable reasons. Science needs to market itself just like any other religion, and it has not done a great job. It has been pretentious and patriarchal and even actively hostile to human life at times. It got us Zyklon B and nuclear weapons and assault rifles and the highway system and Google and Amazon and lots of other things that are anti-human. Doctors have tortured people and used human testing and ignored entire demographics of peoples subjective experiences (women, people of color) Ever since the first saw bones took someones tooth out with an arrowhead, doctors have caused immeasurable pain and saved peoples lives.

I had a lot of coffee but my main point is that all of that bullshit is just a smokescreen for the fact that vaccines are a simple statistical calculation: is the cure worse than the disease? If polio kills and maims people, and the polio vaccine reduces the number of people killed and maimed, it's just stupid NOT to use it even if there are some side effects. Like tylenol has side effects but when I have a headache, the fact that it stops my pain is worth more to me than a slight stomach ache. To Selfown and people like them, I dont understand WHY, but they have decided that the possible side effects are worse than children and people dying. That I cant explain, they have to explain that calculation for themselves. It almost seems to me to be an ego thing, they would prefer a dead child to a disabled one. Like the people who think vaccines "cause autism", even if it DID, isnt a living autistic child better than your child possibly dying and also infecting your neighbors child and them dying? Even if you hate vaccines and think they're terrible for evolution or whatever, is that worth literally watching children die in front of you? Or do you just think that you wont be the one whose child dies?

The good news is, I am not in the middle of a fluke depressive episode.  I have been quite diligent in taking my medications, and this is...a great deal less severe than it would be otherwise.  The bad news is I have not gotten a wink of sleep.  My thoughts have kept me up too late for that.  And when I say thoughts...I mean memories.  You will forgive me for what may seem like a disorganized rant, but I felt it paramount that I record these thoughts for clarity’s sake.  Yes, let us call it that.

I suffer from a form of post-traumatic stress thanks to Arkham.  I know that a year in a mental institution may sound like child’s play in comparison to, say, a soldier after years in a battlefield or a prison camp, but you would be surprised how dense a man’s experiences can be in a year.  I cannot listen to Dr. Young’s voice in any capacity, or I become very faint.  Even women who sound like Dr. Young or use similar language to her set off an innate panic in my mind.  I also have increased claustrophobia and aversion to any sort of violence, but this--the effect that particular vocal idiom has upon me--affects me most strongly.  And the truly unfortunate thing is that I am both blessed and cursed with a very long and sharp memory and can conjure up things not heard or seen in years.  Thus the frequency of which my treacherous mind can recall that voice at the most inconvenient times is rather more than I would ever have liked.  Seeing that damned security tape in my dreams, followed by that harpy’s dehumanizing lecture...it would haunt any man.

Which brings me to the point of this little missive--a sort of “keep telling yourself that, one day you will believe it” effort, I realize, but I feel it important to finally say in a public forum.  I will readily admit to my own mental instability.  Bipolar disorder is a rather heavy burden to bear.  I admit that I would probably be a completely different man if not for my condition, and my relationships with my friends and loved ones would be otherwise altered.  But this much I know for certain: regardless of the life that is behind me now (for which I may hold some fond memories, but absolutely no pride), I am not an abusive man.  Any ideas that my manias result in violently lashing out against my friends and loved ones are patently false.  I admit that my actions during manic episodes are...uncharacteristic of a man of my reserve.  I scream, I throw things onto the floor, I become more argumentative than usual, I have even self-harmed in the past.  But the day I ever raise a hand against one of them is the day everything I have striven to create for both myself and them becomes meaningless.  If I were ever to strike Lydia out of anger, what would our marriage be worth?  If I were to verbally abuse Catherine, Hayden, or Zeke, what kind of parent does that make me?  And if I were to add another scar to Kira’s back, why need I bother pursuing her company any longer?  My knuckles are not purple for no reason--I must always be vigilant in protecting them, especially in situations where that is my only coherent thought.  I love all of them, and I would rather bury myself alive than see any harm come to them of my own hand.  It has yet to happen, but I feel that as long as it is such a deep-seated fear for me, it never will.  So any ideas that my condition affects my ability to be as considerate, attentive, and loving to those closest to me are purely founded in ignorance and hatred.

I’m running out of ink in this pen from my little ramble.  I do feel rather more...at peace having recorded this sentiment.  I’m not sure what I shall do with this letter going forward, but I shall end by saying this: to anyone who may end up reading this--Lydia, Catherine, Hayden, Samuel, Zeke, Cogs, Sherry, Kira, Jervis--do not judge me too harshly.  I know I can be difficult, even unreasonable in my worse moods.  But please do not be frightened.  I have no intent to harm you, or indeed myself.  You are all very dear to my heart, and I would secure you all the happiness in the world if only I could.  Your patience and your affection mean more to me than you will ever know, and I will be forever attempting to make up for the things I may do in anger.  Here’s to many happy returns for all of us.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   But I have promises to keep,   And miles to go before I sleep,   And miles to go before I sleep.

I'm in the "Agere community" and I feel really bad because this new wave of, "You can be totally nueroatypical and just regress for fun!" really fucking irritates me but I know everyone would hate me if I verbalized that. Like I often find myself at this weird middle ground. I believe regression can be made positive and it can be a healing experience and it can be made fun and wholesome under some circumstances but I also feel like you literally can't genuinely regress wout a reason y'know?

Do not be afraid to speak up! I was in the age regression community a few years ago and I did receive some backlash for sharing my viewpoint on certain matters but in the end it didn’t matter because I was being polite regarding it and I knew that the information I was speaking out about was correct through all of the constant research I did. If you do the same you will be fine! People who are genuine will try to reason with you and they will respect you as long as you’re always kind. There will always be spiteful people around regardless of your intentions and how kind you are being, but you don’t need to worry about them too much and if you are you can always turn your anonymous ask off because majority of them are cowards anyway. It is true though that people who are not neurotypical can regress as many people with psychiatric disorders such as bdp and ptsd etc. regress and may not be on the autism spectrum or have any other neurologically atypical patterns of developmental thought or behavior. Majority of the time people who are on the autism spectrum or have other neurologically atypical patterns in developmental thought or behaviors do not essentially regress, but they just have an intellectual and cognitive disability. You and others that have these disorders should be respected for the chronological age that you are regardless of that disability otherwise it comes across as ableist which can do more harm then good. Your chronological age of experience has been lived regardless of what skills you do or do not have. Your brain is developed as the teen or adult that you are whereas as a child theirs is still developing. I’m not saying that those on the spectrum don’t regress because psychologically by definition they do but it’s a completely different situation and way of being that shouldn’t be compared.

I used to believe there was a middle ground as well but that’s because I didn’t do enough research. Learning about what regression stems from and why people regress etc. really helped me. Regression outside of its every day form that we all do it’s always apart of a psychiatric disorder much like dissociation is. There are definitely rare times that real regression can be a positive thing, usually when it’s positive it’s due to a positive trigger or after it was emotionally draining it can be really relaxing and fun. That being said just having a hobby that you also use as a coping mechanism can be just as positive and fun. It’s healing of course because it redirects you to something for stable but it isn’t age regression. Regressing being healing on the other hand is a very controversial subject especially depending how much a person does so and how much it affects them since it is involuntary (unconscious) unlike coping mechanisms / things we do for self care.

Omfg. Y'all.

Content warning for My Mom's An Ableist Bigot, Doesn't Support People of Color, Sia's 'Music' being an horrendous thing, and reference to the organization Autism Speaks and it's absolutely awful views on Autism.

Proceed at your own discretion.

I've been following the discussions surrounding Sia's movie Music (DON'T WATCH OR SUPPORT IT!) because it's something I take interest in and it's part of a societal issue I am passionate about. I've talked about it with my mother several times previously, just about how awful Sia's been and how harmful the movie itself is.

Today I mentioned that I'd learned that Sia worked with Autism Speaks to create the character Music, and how horrible that is when autism speaks is heavily despised by the autistic community.

And she was like "okay but what's wrong with autism speaks??" And I mentioned some of the stuff I knew about them that were awful, and eventually pulled up a video going through the timeline of events from its founding. She was on her laptop on their website the whole time being like "they removed the thing about curing autism from their mission statement in 2016" and just being like 'but their website doesn't say that now. And it came to a point where I was like "y'know even if we don't or can't see how or why or what is so wrong about them, the fact that most autistic people are against the organization is what really matters, because they're the ones directly affected."

And she goes "yeah, sure."

Like. I've been reminding myself that I really came expect much if anything from her at all on any topic, but like.

I've got ADHD. My oldest brother is on the spectrum. Literally two of her four children are ND.

But somehow the thoughts and opinions and voices of the autistic community shouldn't be the main focus??? Like. I know I can't expect much but I did think she was better than this.

It's just.

Like.

I can't. I don't have words to describe the thoughts and feelings this gives me.

I know she's an asshole, and an abuser, and tends to disregard things like the opinions and experiences of marginalized groups but.

I still believed she was at least enough of a decent human being to not react with that in this situation.

This isn't even mentioning her trying to defend the movie by being like 'but is she really trying to say that this is an okay way to treat autism and autistic people?' 'Are we sure she didn't intend well? Is she not just trying to show the harsh and painful realities of autistic life??'

Like. When it's that bad and that extreme, I don't give a fuck what the initial intentions were. Intentions mean jack shit to Impact.

I can call you an ugly fat asshole and not mean it to be upsetting or hurtful. But if it is, than that's on me.

Impact matters more than intention, and people have to take responsibility for the impact of an action or statement instead of arguing that it's the other person's fault for getting hurt by it.

Content warning: the text below may trigger some individuals, please take care of yourself and don't read if you might be triggered by:

Mentions of emotional and verbal abuse, disassociation

Also just cause I realize I haven't really mentioned this yet and I wanna update anyone who like cares:

My parents are hella abusive. I realize I have a lot of posts where I speak about my struggle to determine if their treatment was abusive or simply unintentionally insensitive. I did work up the courage to look for what qualifies as emotional/verbal abuse, and I was absolutely appalled by the sheer extent of the "criteria" their treatment of me meets. I actually was completely emotionally dissociated for the rest of the day after seeing just how much of what I've endured is abuse.

Unfortunately as I'm over the age of 18, and thus legally an adult, there's really nothing I can do as far as legal consequences. I'm also unable to move out or cut ties, as my health issues and disabilities prevent me from working. As far as the law goes, the most I could do is file a restraining order against them, which, again, I am incapable of living independently at this time. So, I'm hoping I can start picking up commission work on my Tarot Reading blog ( @chriswhitewolf ), and I'm working to improve my candle making abilities to start selling candles online. I own everything I need but I'm horribly inexperienced and the candles I've made this far are....lackluster and disappointing. Once I've got a decent skill set for it I'll start selling them and will update y'all on links to that. Thanks to everyone who follows me and shows their support in likes and comments and reblogs, it means a lot to me to know that people actually read the stuff I post and follow me.

The Artist In Me - Track 6: Gifted Alien

Here in the album lies a palpable tone change. We're 5 tracks in, and I wanted the first five tracks of TAIM to be sort of a mirror to the 5 tracks that make up Identity, as they are transcendent projects: TAIM explores the ideas that Identity lays the foundation for. This was a happy coincidence, but those five tracks almost mirror Identity in length, too! Just 2 or 3 minutes difference, Identity being longer. They ALSO mirror each other in the sense that they are kind of an exposition of me, my beliefs, my core and my values. 1) Inspiration is your friend. Love it. 2) "I can hang out with my friends, the next day, I'll be fine with reading books at my house!" Ha ha ha! 3) I'm multi-talented, and I do what I want. "And you can, too!" 4) I have big dreams, and I want to achieve them all. And 5) Imma stay original, Imma stay authentic, I tell my story, and you can come along for the ride! (I kinda set you up for what comes next in that last one ha ha ha!)

I also put a tone change here to signal a switch in the narrative at this point in the album. I go from telling you about myself and things about me, to telling you stories about my life as a preteen after I got all those values and what I experienced that defined that era of my life... while also telling you one more thing about me. I'm on the Autism spectrum.

In this, the very heart of the album, I tell you about my developmental make-up. I tell you that I am autistic. High-functioning autism is what they call mine now. If you personally know me, or have seen any of my content online, this may surprise you because you're probably thinking, "Evan never seemed autistic to me." I'll get to that in a second. Anyways, I got diagnosed when I was in 4th grade, but my mom didn't tell me until I was 11 (it was called Asperger's Syndrome at the time, but the people who diagnose it have put all of the different types of autism under the umbrella of Autism Spectrum Disorder, or autism for short since then, so I'll call it that since it's not 2009 anymore. Technicalities). Michael Jackson had died that same year she told me and that really affected me deeply. It had never happened to someone I cared that much about. Amidst that loss, I was... "gifted" with this new information as well.

My perception of autism has changed over the years, and I see it differently than I did then. But at the time, I was really confused about what that means to and for me. I didn't know how to make sense of it, how to perceive it. I was led to believe that I was like everyone else mentally, and then my mom tells me that I'm not, but in fact, markedly atypical from other kids, other people. I could write a book on autism and how to notice it in minorities, but the most prevalent "symptoms" (I hate that word) you can find in me are that I struggle to make and especially maintain eye contact. It's scary and really just... overstimulating to observe all the features of the human face. Even the moon is terrifying to look at sometimes because it looks like a giant abstraction of a human face floating in the sky! Doesn't that sound scary?! I also was born without a "social chip" in my brain if you will. "How is he able to be so nice and mannerable and perceptive without a social chip?" You can't really tell on the surface because I learned how to socialize early on, but I had to learn it like I learned math and science and reading. I'm an incredibly fast learner, so I've gotten really good at it, but socializing will never be second nature to me. Always a weird art that every other human likes to do, and I learned how to do it because I want to connect with said humans. For nearly 40% of my life, I was overtly enthralled by the Titanic. Everything about her (you can tell my enthusiasm as I address the ship as a she. This ship is my everything). The circumstances behind her sinking, the arithmetic of the dead and the survivors, the morals of the passengers, how the disaster affected human history, random facts, and most of all, her technical specifications and visual appearance. And the (in)accuracy of the many movies made about her. She's the reason I'm a designer. How's that for defining a kid's life?! For most of my childhood, I spoke mostly about Titanic and it annoyed a lot of people to hear me talk back then. The thing is, I didn't pick up on the fact that they felt that way. That's Autism. Right there. Many people "on the autism spectrum" as were categorized, are also very smart and typically skilled and blessed with some sort of talent, or multiple talents in my case. I know I'm not the only one like that, either. Michelangelo and Sir Isaac Newton were autistic as well.

So after mom told me about that, I had connected all the dots between my behaviors. So the big question became, "What am I?!"

In postmodern society, kids and honestly everybody are led to perceive diagnosable developmental differences or so-called "disabilities" as just that - disabilities. So I slowly began to believe that something was wrong with me. It became weird to have great gifts, to have a vast collection of knowledge in your head about this one thing that you're interested in. To have trouble socializing and blending in, all because God made your mind to function differently than everyone else. I wasn't mad at God, I just confused about the whole situation... and that's what this song is about. Whew!

The musical ideas explored in Gifted Alien stem mostly from hip hop of the early to mid 1990s. Boom-bap and G-funk stuff mostly. A lot of 2Pac and Biggie influences, also some gospel sauce in that mix, too. Donnie McKlurkin, Kirk Franklin/God's Property, all that. Cool stuff.

I think that Gifted Alien is the most important song on this album because of its message and the fact that it sheds light on something that isn't really discussed to the point of people having a significant understanding of it. Autism. Also minority autism. Black autism. You don't see very many musical artists talking about this stuff in pop songs or songs made for the mainstream. So if you want to share only one song from this here album, let it be this one if you like it. I want so desperately for other autistic people, regardless of age or ethnicity, diagnosed or undiagnosed, that they are not alone. I hear them, and I'm speaking for our shared community.

Hi. I'm Evan, and I am a gifted alien. And I love you personally. ❤

You can listen to Gifted Alien here if you want. This link will take you to wherever you listen to music. YouTube included. ❤