#humble brag because i am genuinely proud of myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chibinekochan · 3 years

Text

How to become a Demon Ruler 110

Part: 01 I 02 I 03 I 04 I 05 I 06 I 07 I 08 I 09

GN. Reader insert

taglist: @ayesha95 ; @nomnomcupcakesworld ; @fex-phoenix ; @depressed-bixch ; @kitsune-oji

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wake up slightly exhausted.

At that moment I remember I have some shopping to do. I instantly feel energized.

I stand up and do my usual morning routine but instead of the outfit that Barbatos prepared for me, I decide to venture into my closet.

I feel like I'm on an expedition. Barbatos has been very busy with acquiring whatever he could find in my size. A true wonderland of clothes.

I'm very impressed and overwhelmed.

At long last, I find an outfit perfect for a shopping trip.

I hurry to meet Barbatos at the breakfast table.

Instead, I find Diavolo waiting for me.

"Good morning Diavolo. I didn't think I'd see you this early."

"Good morning, what a lovely outfit. I sadly bear some bad news. Some demons caused a massive problem, and Barbatos had to go and resolve it." Diavolo looks very distraught.

"Oh no, is he going to be okay?" I'm mostly concerned about Barbatos' safety.

"He is an immensely powerful demon. We don't need to worry about him. I feel just bad that we have to scrap your plans." Diavolo looks honestly stricken with grief.

"It can't be helped. Undoubtedly I can get to enjoy the town another day. Even when I was honestly looking forward to this." I feel disappointed, despite everything.

Diavolo seems to be more hurt than I am.

Then suddenly his eyes light up. "I will just go with you."

"What? Don't you have responsibilities and didn't Barbatos say it's dangerous since you are the prince?" I can't imagine that this is a good idea.

"I can surely take a day off? And I'm not worried about my safety at all. I merely want to make you smile." Diavolo has no concerns at all.

"I will be fine. I can probably find some nice gifts in the castle, and can always order something with express shipping." I find his offer very sweet, but Barbatos’ possible reaction makes me very worried. Mostly for Diavolo.

"Nonsense. I will simply wear a disguise and will take all the blame from Barbatos." He waves me off. I somehow start thinking that Diavolo just genuinely wants to go to the city. He seemed pretty excited about going.

"What if you get attacked?" I still can't shake the bad feeling in my gut.

"I'm touched that you worry about my health but I assure you that there aren't many demons that could hurt me. In addition, I will gladly protect you with my life." He says this so casually that my mouth almost drops.

"Please don't do that. I would never be able to be happy if you would get injured because of me." I somehow feel very sad thinking about this.

Diavolo looks at me with gentle eyes and places his big hand on my head. "I won't let that happen."

My heart beats like a drum.

Suddenly I have forgotten any argument that I could present.

"So does that cover all of your concerns?" Diavolo looks at me with his nonchalant eyes.

"Not really... but I trust you." I somehow can't resist him at all. Truly dangerous.

Diavolo nods with a beaming smile. "Then let's go." He holds his big hand out towards me. His eyes meet mine. I have absolutely no way of saying no right now.

So I take his hand. It's just as pleasant as it was the last time. I smile at him. "Yes, let's go." This is very charming and thoughtful of Diavolo.

Maybe there is nothing to worry about? Honestly, who could be stronger than the demon prince? Well, maybe his father.

I will just enjoy this day with all my heart.

With this decision made I feel much better.

So we head into town. I'm pretty surprised to find it looking pretty normal. Other than that everybody is a demon.

True to his word nobody seems to take note of Diavolo.

I kinda just look at everything for a while. Everything seems new and exciting while being strangely ordinary.

There is a clothing store with some very nice stuff. I find something I like and want to show it to Diavolo. I turn around, just to find Diavolo is no longer there.

He is so tall it's a mystery how he just straight-up vanished.

I don't know where I am right now. The best option I have is to call Diavolo.

Just before I get my phone out a man with curly flaxen hair and striking eyes. If I had to recipe him in one word it would be gorgeous.

"Sorry dear, but would you mind telling me where you found that shirt?" He asks me with a seductive smile.

"Right over there. If you get it for yourself, you should get it in pink." I blurt out without much thought.

"Haha, I see you possess a sense of my style. Would you mind helping me for a little moment? I promise I will make up for it." He looks at me in a flirty manner. I feel flustered about someone so pretty hitting on me but I can't get distracted. "Sorry but I just got separated from my Ummm brother. So I need to find him." I almost slip and call him Diavolo. I can't let a stranger know who I am with.

"So your umm brother can't even wait a single moment longer?" He smiles at me with his flirty gaze, somehow it fills me with an abnormal desire to follow along with his request. It's the strangest sensation.

"Well… I mean…" I don't know why, but I can't seem to refuse him.

"Pretty please? I know you won't regret it." He lulls me with his eyes. Like a hunter eyeing his prey.

His hand nonchalantly grazed my arm, a shiver followed his touch. Such a mysterious feeling. Then suddenly an electric spark flows between us. "Ahh." I yelp in pain and jerk my arm back. Whatever happened between us is suddenly gone. "I should go now."

"How very interesting of you to break my charm like that." He looks at me very amused.

I look at him in confusion. "Are you an incubus?"

He giggles. "I might be to some but no."

"Asmo what are you doing?" I hear someone speaking in a harsh tone.

"I was just passing time." Asmo shrugs.

I look at the tall raven-haired man that has just called out to him. He seems very impressive.

That name, though. "Wait, are you one of the seven demon brothers?"

"Do you want an autograph?" He flashes me a sparkling smile.

"Not at all. The name was just familiar." I couldn't care any less to be honest.

"There you are, I was looking everywhere." Then I hear Diavolos familiar voice.

I feel immense relief. The tall black-haired man looks at Diavolo with some sort of annoyance.

"Sorry, I just saw something nice, and then you were gone." I feel ashamed that I got lost like a small child.

"That was on you Diavolo. Lucky it was only Asmo who ran into you. Has he done anything to you?" Initially, he looks at Diavolo and then at Asmo and me. Asmo seems utterly amused by the whole situation.

"No." I don't think I should mention him trying to charm me.

"Asmo did you try anything?" The tall man sternly looks at Asmo.

Asmo shrugs. "I might have tried to charm them, but it wasn't working."

Here I tried to assist him but he just straight-up admits it.

"So your charm wasn't effective? That's pretty impressive." Diavolo seems proud of me. I don't understand it but it feels nice.

"Well maybe impressive, but still having a human running around here will only cause trouble." The black-haired man doesn't seem to hold back in front of Diavolo. They must be close.

"Especially such a delightful one." Asmo chimes on from behind me. I'm not sure what to feel about his comment.

"Right? I haven't even introduced you probably yet. Let me fix this. Meet my new sibling." Diavolo goes over to me and introduces me in a genuinely friendly and proud manner.

"I see so that's the one I heard so much about these past days." The dark-haired man looks at me with seemingly conflicting feelings. I can't tell at all what they are.

I'm unsure what to say to him.

Diavolo then turns to me. "And these are Asmodeus and Lucifer." He points at them with his typical smile.

Somehow I feel very mingled emotions now myself. So this man is Lucifer. I stare at him with awe, fear, and curiosity.

Then I gather a small breath. "It's an honor to meet you." I politely bow for him.

I can hear Asmo laugh behind me.

"You could use some of their humbleness." Lucifer reprimands Asmo and then offers me a slight smile.

"Well, they are cute. Now I look forward to that party." Asmo seems very cheerful.

"First of all we have to finish our business here so come on now," Lucifer speaks to Asmo like he is a small child.

"But I wanted to purchase this." Asmo sighs in an overly dramatic way.

"I'm sorry we have to cut our first meeting so short. After everything I have heard, I'm very curious about you. I can't say I'm disappointed." Lucifer seems to look right into my core somehow. I'm not sure how to feel about him.

"I hope we will have a delightful conversation soon." I bestow him a courteous smile.

"I hope we can continue where we left off." Asmo winks playfully at me.

Diavolo raises an eyebrow at him, Lucifer shaking his head.

They then walk away. Leaving me and Diavolo behind.

"Are you alright?" Diavolo looks at me, searching for any injuries.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry I just let go of you." I had promised him to keep holding hands too.

"It was my fault. I got distracted when I saw Lucifer and wanted to introduce you, but when I turned back around you vanished." Diavolo is feeling guilty.

"I got distracted by the clothes here too. So I guess we are both bad." I offer him an encouraging smile.

"You can't be bad, so I accept the full responsibility." Diavolo is pretty adamant about this.

"I wonder what you even told Lucifer about me." This is bothering me.

"Umm just about everything. I guess you could say I was bragging about you." Diavolo seems very pleased about this.

"But I'm just an ordinary person. There isn't much to brag about." I feel a bit embarrassed.

"Maybe you just can't tell how amazing you are, but anyway have you found something nice here?" Diavolo seems to want to change the topic and since it's pretty embarrassing I let him off.

"I kinda liked this top but now I think it would suit Asmo better, especially in pink." I can't imagine wearing this after all.

"I think it would great on you, but let's get it for Asmo." Diavolo takes a brief look at the top and then hands me the pink-colored version. That is one present down.

I then spot a rack with very stylish-looking sunglasses. "Oh, those would look on Mammon. What do you think?" I hold a pair out to Diavolo.

"I can see him wearing them, so I'd say it's a great choice." Diavolo approves right away. "You took a liking to Mammon didn't you?" Diavolo seems to ask nonchalantly, but I can tell it's somehow bothering him.

"He is pretty okay, but I don't think I'd ever date him." He just isn't my type.

Diavolo nods with a smile, it looks like a weight was lifted from his shoulders. "That's good then."

Mammons reputation must be very terrible if both Barbatos and Diavolo disapprove so much of him. I can't imagine any other reason for their behavior.

"Where should we go now?" After paying for the items we stand outside again.

"I think Satan's favorite bookstore is right around the corner here. Lucifer once showed me." Diavolo once again takes my hand.

"You are very close to Lucifer aren't you?" I can't tell why but it bothers me somehow.

"It's complicated, but he is someone who I'd like to call a close friend but I fear he perceives it differently." Diavolo has a complicated expression. "I understand him better now. He is very close to his brothers. I never fully understood that. Ever since meeting you that changed, though. A lot of his actions make now sense to me. Maybe we can overcome the rift between us one day." Diavolo looks wistful at me.

It sounds like their relationship is very complicated. I can't imagine what kind of feelings Diavolo might have hidden deep inside of him.

"I hope that I can support you even more in the future." This surely is the best course of action. If Diavolo truly harbors secret feelings of some sort I want to be there for him. Even if I can't completely ignore my pain.

"That is very sweet of you. This is one of the things that I love very much about you." He gives me a shiny smile. Strangely it hurts today. Especially since his words of love have a different meaning than romantic love.

Maybe it is for the best if I strive for a purely sibling-like relationship with him. I feel uneasy about this, but I can't think of a different way to protect my heart.

I conceal my feelings by turning away and noticing the entrance to the bookstore. "This must be it."

"Oh yeah, good catch." Diavolo was seemingly lost in thought.

We go into the store, and I head directly to the counter.

"Hello, I look for a picture book with a lot of cat pictures. Preferably cute ones." I know exactly what I'm looking for.

"We have a few of these over in the picture book section right over there." The store clerk gives me a normal customer service response.

"Much obliged. I wonder if you know about a customer named Satan. I want to buy the book for him, and wonder which of them he already has." I decide to flat out ask him.

The clerk gets an uneasy expression. "I can't just give information out like that."

"I know but it's a present. Imagine I'd gift him a book he already has. He would be extremely upset. I just want to make sure he is happy." I smile at him, knowing very well that Satan is the avatar of wrath. A person well known for his anger.

The clerk's expression darkens. "He has every single one of the ones sold in the devildom."

So he is aware. "I see thank you so much." I smile, well of course it wouldn't be this easy.

"It seems like I have to ask Barbatos for help with this one then." I turn back to Diavolo.

"It seems he is pretty obsessed with cats." Diavolo seems unsure what to say.

"It's not an issue at all. I somehow think he probably owns every piece of cat literature that he can get his hands onto. Lucky enough I own something that he doesn't own. A massive collection of VHS with adorable cat videos. These were gifted to me. All homemade and very cute. I will also ask Barbatos to bring me some of my old Manga for Levi." I smile at Diavolo. I somehow expected this.

"That only leaves a pillow for Belphie but more difficult will be to find something for Lucifer. I heard he likes classical records and other rare collectibles but I'm sure you know more about that." I look hopeful at Diavolo.

He nods. "It's very hard to find something for him. He owns almost everything that he wants." He sighs.

I feel terrible for him.

"Maybe it would be better to give him something like concert tickets." I try to think of a way around this specific issue.

"That's not a bad idea, but he rarely gets to enjoy them due to his fame. Trust me I relate to that issue." Diavolo looks down.

"How about tickets for a human world concert then? Or we could reserve him a private concert. Well, that might be too pricey, but that would be a good option for a future present from you." A human concert would at least solve the fame issue.

"A brilliant idea. I will also keep the suggestion in mind for his birthday." Diavolo smiles happily. I'm delighted I could help, but it's still hurtful.

"So should we look for a pillow now?" I change the topic.

"Yes, there is a luxury bed store around here that just opened. I remember cutting the ribbon myself just a few weeks ago." Diavolo doesn't seem to notice my shift in topics and just goes along with it.

So that is where we are heading next.

The bed store is very high-end. I grab several pillows. None of them seem good enough.

"Do you know what kind of colors Belphie likes?" I think this will help me to narrow it down.

"Hmm purple? He likes cow patterns." Diavolo thinks about it for a bit.

"Cow pattern hmmm." I look around and see one with that pattern. "Let's see." I squish the pillow. It's very pleasant. "I think this one is pretty nice. What do you think Diavolo?" I hold the pillow out to him.

He touches it. "Indeed, this will be perfect for him."

I nod in agreement when an overly eager seller approaches us. "That is a lovely choice. We also have a matching couple’s bed set for a very memorable time." They are desperate for sales.

"Oh, we aren't…" I want to correct the clerk.

"This is a very cute set. I think we should take it." Diavolo seems to have no clue that the clerk thinks that we are a couple.

It's certainly a cute set, so I don't have the heart to correct him. "It's absolutely lovely. Should we purchase one for Barbatos too?" I find one that is the same style but a different color."This one would match."

"What a lovely idea. We get these three then." Diavolo hands it all to the slightly troubled clerk. They know better than to question a customer.

So we pay and head outside of the store.

I hope you enjoyed today’s surprise guests.

#obey me #obey me!#obey me fanfiction #demon ruler 101 #How to become a Demon Ruler #obey me diavolo #omswd #obey me one master to rule them all

49 notes · View notes

colorisbyshe · 3 years

Text

Weight loss cw, body image cw

But, god, I’m here again to say pointing out how ~skinny I am (I’m still fat, but less so than before) will never not feel like a fucking backhanded compliment.

When the first thing a person comments on after I unzip my jacket, is “Wow, look at how skinny you are,” or “You look so good now!” it’s hard to not feel like this time last year every time I unzipped my jacket, they were secretly thinking about how fat I was. And how that was a negative thing to them, so they didn’t say anything.

I will never not be bitter about how the people treat me has changed since I’ve lost weight.

And this is why even though I do have a weight loss goal that will eventually lead to me not being fat (for health reasons, for better societal treatment reasons, for accessible clothing reasons, for ‘getting actual diagnoses in my unrelated health problems’ reasons), I will never, ever abandon fat liberation. Because I will never, ever not be aware of how fucked it was when I was fat and fatter than fat.

It’s hard to feel like you have more worth just because your body is a different shape. It’s hard to know people you care about might feel that way, even without meaning to. But it’s also hard to be resentful about it because you just can’t know how many people are just speaking up because they wanna acknowledge my “progress,” rather than actually caring about my weight.

But I can’t know who is speaking up because they had some deep rooted fatphobia and who is just trying to be supportive of me “working on myself” or whatever way we wanna frame weight loss as inherent progress, even though it’s not.

So I’m just like... wary of anyone ever commenting on my weight. I can’t even be proud of my commitment to changing myself because it feels like indulging in fatphobia. It’s such a weird place to be in.

It sucks. It sucks that this genuine pain I’m experiencing also feels like humble bragging. It sucks that it’s come to this. It sucks that it feels like I can’t win.

I wish there were more spaces to talk abut weight loss that weren’t bashing on fat people so I could talk about this more often without seeming like an asshole. But lmao... nope

#also #the usual disclaimer #being fat doesn't mean you are unhealthy or have a bad relationship to food #but part of why i was fat #was because I SPECIFICALLY was unhealthy and had a bad relationship with food #this is not a judgment on anyone else #nor do i even care if you personally are unhealthy or not #that's your choice #doesn't change your value as a human ebing #but i was unhealthy #'got an organ removed' level unhealthy #so i had to change #ive lost like 75% of the weight i want to lose #and i just can't stand hearing peopele comment on it at this point #like please shut the fuck uuup #unles si bring it up fIRST

16 notes · View notes

221bluescarf · 3 years

Text

Am I not allowed to be genuinely concerned about "unintentional weight loss" for the pure fact that I have an Ed history?

Like I should be happy about this?

Yeah I restricted my food. That wasn't really the point though. It was emotions and control and not wanting to care for my basic human needs because it felt too selfish. It still does. In my head, gaining weight equals greed. So I did everything to "not get fat", but not for the reasons people told me I did.

I didn't crash diet. I didn't even truly starve myself. I was always eating something -even if that was a bag of spinach or popcorn or cucumbers, but most times it wasn't- it was just "healthy" food.

Food is consumed in secret. I wanted everyone to think I ate nearly nothing, because to have anyone think otherwise would be so painful. (I know I'm not the only one.)

I didn't want to be super skinny, I just want to stop feeling so guilty all the time...

Right now, losing weight isn't an accomplishment. I'm not proud. I'm not winning. I'm not Skinny Legend. When I look in the mirror, honest to God it scares me.

That's not "flexing" or "humble bragging" it's just the truth. I don't really care who likes it or not, but it'd be nice if one (1) person could set aside prejudgement and see someone who just wants help?

#tw ed #tw weight #221bluescarf.txt #embarrassed to speak

5 notes · View notes

colour-outside-the-liness · 3 years

Note

Hii! Yeah don't worry about it! Live your life, the internet people can wait, I know I appreciate you taking the time to reply, no matter how long it takes! 👍✨

Oh cool! France and LA that must've been fun, have always wanted to go to those places. Will get around to it eventually. I've lived in Brazil, Canada, and now Portugal, but I've also visited Orlando (Disneyland) and Miami in the US. Hoping I can go to Spain next year to visit my best friend too.

What did you say that got people making fun of you? haha Which fic did you insert that in? The only reason I cheat while playing games is bc I get bored easily so I have to add a little bit of spice hahaha and my morals are questionable I guess. 🤷‍♀️ My mbti is the architect (INTJ-T) so I guess that explains things a bit (?). Do you know your mbti? Omg your poor roommate hahaha I mean that's the best kind of winner to be, humble winners are boring as hell lol

Aren't you glad you had those drunken experiences when you were younger instead of now tho? I can't promise I'll never do stuff like that again but I'm fine with it being behind me for now hahaha. Omg you're totally right on the accent thing, hadn't thought about it that way!

What!! You should watch Stranger Things with her! It's sooo good, it's a guaranteed fun time for you two. My favourite episodes of thobm are 4 and 6 too, I like epi 9 only up until Dani's bathtub incident.

I like doing accents too but only to myself bc I'm too self-conscious haha Although I pick up accents really easily it's kinda embarrassing, sometimes people think I'm mocking them. Do people get offended when you try to do their accents? 😂 I got a scholarship at a british english school in my home country when I was a kid so I had an RP accent growing up but ended up with a generic American accent after watching too many American movies and TV shows. Sometimes it comes out generic Canadian too haha. Nordern English accent became my favourite tho after watching Billy Elliott when I was a teen!

Awwh gee thanks! I'm happy you liked my damie fan art! Didn't know you already started writing for medieval AU, makes sense people already thought to send you prompts for it, it's a really cool universe! Looking forward to updates on all your WIPS, love them all! Take your time if you need tho!

Sounds like a really fun weekend! Yeah I know what you mean, don't worry we won't tell them you have a favourite haha. Congrats on coming second on that game of crazy golf! 🎉 and thank you, I will!

Awwh thank you for understanding!! I'll always reply to people's comments eventually it just takes longer sometimes, but I will always get around to it eventually!! France was fun I went to Disney Land Paris and shared a hotel room with my roommate (yes she was on the trip too because she was in another photography class... we have been friends for so long now) it was honestly a lot of fun and I went to LA to visit my ex-girlfriend while we were still together it was a long distance relationship and I went out to LA and my roommate was invited too so we had a trip out there and had a great time I would 100% go back to LA some time!! So jealous that you've lived in Canada that's one place I really wanna go I would love to live there it looks like such a beautiful country!! I would love to go to Orlando and Miami... I wanna see all 50 states eventually if I can... so far I've seen one so only 49 to go haha!! Awwh I really hope you can get out to Spain to see your best friend!! Which is your favourite place you have visited so far? Okay so... the thing I said is in Can't Buy Me Love and it's a bit of a long story so I'll shorten it down here, but basically a group of us were talking about myths and things and I mentioned the myth of being able to see the Great Wall of china from the moon (you can't) and to add to the myth as a buster I genuinely said "Well that's the thing, people say you can see the Great Wall of China from the moon... but can you see the moon from the Great Wall of China?" and it took a good five minutes of people telling me you could see it from my house and just about anywhere else to realise that, if the moon is out, and it's a clear night, and you're y'know facing the moon... you can pretty much see it anywhere... but that's what people still mock me about... that I asked if you can see the moon from the Great Wall of China... so I put that in CBML and had it as a story Dani tells Jamie. Haha I love your reason for cheating and think it's as good as a reason as any haha!! I do know my mbti... mine is the campaigner...EFNP-T... I don't know what these mean either I read it a while ago but forgot what it meant I just know what I am haha... oh yeah she's had a lot to put up with so she just won't play games with me anymore... oh yeah I agree humble winners are okay but I do like a good bit of bragging when you win a game I am glad yeah... although the road sign incident was only... 3 years ago haha like I would like to say I was a lot younger then but I wasn't haha the black out incident I was though... I can't drink much anymore though because of medication I'm on (life long medication) so I can have maybe one or two drinks and that's it so I can't do things like that again which is probably a good thing really!! Haha best way to be don't make promises like that because that is a sure fire way to definitely do it again the second you make that promise the opportunity to do it again will show itself haha!! Yeah Jamie just has no accent to me like she just talks like most people I know it's only when I saw people talking about it that I realised to some people the Northern accent is exactly that... an accent haha I LOVE episode 9 for me 4,6, and 8 are a joint favourite like I can't pick between them and then it's episode 9 because I do love it and I love seeing them be that happy for the first part of the episode but then it just gets so sad and I can't take it!! I do accents all the time around anyone even though I am terrible at them haha... nah people don't ever get offended they just sort of smile and shake their heads at me... some people have asked me to do their accent before but I mean, I am sure eventually someone will be offended there's a first time for everything... I just have an accent that's really similar to Jamie's it's not the exact same but it's very close I love that you've had so many accents for so many reasons... omg yeah the accent on Billy Elliot is my favourite accent ever, it is a northern accent but it's from a city called New Castle which is SO different to some

other northern accents... it's the Geordie accent and it's just beautiful I could honestly listen to people from New Castle talk for hours- people from South Shields also sound like that (SS is really close to New Castle) I can see why that accent is your favourite I wish I talked like that I loved that fan art I thought it was amazing!! Yeah I haven't written much of it but I have some of it written and when I say some I mean I have like 4 different scenes written from different points of the fic and each scene is only like 1k words so far!! It's such a cool universe and I am so happy people have sent me prompts for it!! Awwh thank you so much I'm glad you're looking forward to the updates of my WIPs that really means a lot to me!! I've had a great weekend but I am so tired now totally and utterly done after the weekend I've had haha... I wouldn't say I have favourites I have just spent more time with one niece than the other because since she was really young I've looked after her while her parents have been at work and I've had breaks from work / college / university so I have spent so much time with her and she's turning into a little mini me with some stuff she does but I love all my nieces and nephews the same (and I have so many nieces and nephews haha) Awwh thank you!! I appreciate that, still feeling really proud of my second place in crazy golf haha!! and you're welcome!! ☺️

1 note · View note

ghostofbambifanfiction · 4 years

Note

God Sarah, men at your workplace suck ASS!! Sorry you have to deal with that :/ I never realized how good I had it before because men at my work are very respectful, especially our boss who's not that older but always treats us with respect and values our opinion. P.S. FUCK SIMON!!!

This reply became a huge rant so I’m putting it under a cut

I’ve been really hating my job for the last few months and have come to the conclusion recently that I don’t want to stay in IT for the rest of my life. This has been surprising because I've worked in IT for four years and have never had that much of a problem with it. The work is interesting and keeps me engaged. For the first year or so, I loved it. My mental 180 on the subject has genuinely come as a surprise to me, but I've only figured out why that happened recently.

I've worked in IT for two different companies. My first boss in IT was a woman. She was an odd woman who did some very odd things, but still a woman who knew her shit and guided me accordingly and gave me some really valuable insights. When she left, she was replaced by the dumbest sack of shit I've ever met. He was such a useless, lazy idiot that our entire team (of mostly guys) despised him. He was also incredibly sexist and, by his own admission, had been raised in a culture where the women in his life were expected to stay quiet and obedient and submit to a dominating male. He was proud of this. He once asked me when I was planning on getting pregnant so he would know when to hire my replacement. He sent the WEIRDEST and most disturbing emails, such as this image that I'm pasting below.

So yeah, he was sexist and gross, and you would think that an example so extreme might have been enough to put me off IT, but as I mentioned, I'd had a good boss beforehand and this dude was also a dumb sack of shit, so it never really felt like the sexism I was encountering was specific to the industry.

(also, just to insert some totally non-humble brags, I am assertive to the point of aggressive in office environments, because that's how shit gets done, so that guy was terrified of me. When the men in the office argued with him he would argue back, but when I did it, he was so stumped by the fact that a woman on his team might do the same that it forced him into immediate, pathetic submission. I called him out for his ineptitude, laziness and mistreatment of the team constantly, and he just could not, on any level, match wits with me or best me in an argument. The team would come to me with complaints so that I could raise them. He once insisted on joining another woman on the team for lunch every single day and it made her really uncomfortable, but she was too afraid to say anything, so I was the one who made him stop. Despite everything, working there felt like a dozen small victories every damn day because he would be his dumb, sexist self and I would send him slinking away with his tail between his legs. Aside from that, I spent two full years working with one of my best friends in the world, so I got to spend a lovely time with him for five days out of seven every week)

Anyway, then I moved to my current company. Different people. Different culture.

The men who I work alongside are...okay, for the most part. Some of them are wonderful, lovely men, helpful and mature and great to chat to, and I would never hear anything bad said against them ever. A couple of them are ridiculous, idiotic human beings. My boss is an anomaly in that he’s deeply chauvinistic and sexist to other women but has great respect for/has never been sexist towards me, BUT. BUT BUT BUT. I know that this is because I’ve had to shape my behaviour to suit the office culture. I've had to act in a way that doesn't come naturally to me. For example, I hate the “lad banter” that goes on in groups of men such as my boss, it’s stupid and puerile and the jokes aren’t funny, but I engage with it because those men respect me when I do. Moreover, I am really good at it because I'm funnier than the men on my team, and that's why the ridiculous, idiotic ones like me. Engaging in that kind of banter is not enjoyable for me and I have often felt ashamed of myself for doing it when I complain to my friends about the kind of crap they're peddling, but I no longer feel ashamed because it's not my fault that I've had to do it. It's not my fault that I won't be respected otherwise. It's theirs. And I'm pretty willing to bet that I'm not the only woman who feels like she has no choice but to engage in this way. You lose opportunities if you don't. I've seen other women lose opportunities because they didn't.

So that's pretty shitty, right? Except I still find that bearable, because I still have the appreciation and general admiration of the people around me, and I still also work alongside women, so the day-to-day grind of actually being in the office is bearable for the most part. It's the other fucking men in the business who have worn me down. The men whose tech issues I am supporting every day. The ones who refuse to believe that I'm telling them, refuse to try what I suggest to them, ask to be put through to male colleagues, the ones who act so fucking surprised when I inevitably turn out to be right and offer their condescending praise, making it clear that they think I must be thrilled to receive a compliment from some penis-wielding prat, as if they have automatic superiority and I must gratefully receive their scraps. It is those men, I have realised, that I have been dealing with every fucking day without fail since the day I started working in IT, and when you are working at home and not surrounded by the people in the office who like you, respect you, and agree that the penis-wielding prat you just battled with on the phone for thirty minutes is an asshole, all you have are those assholes.

TL;DR, the truth is, I thought I liked the work I do, and I do to some extent, but I just don't like it enough to take the sexism that goes with it. So that's where I'm at right now.

#Sarah in real life

22 notes · View notes

sadbutgrowing · 3 years

Note

Once you get this you have to say 5 things you like about yourself, publicly, then send this to ten of your favourite followers

I do not know how long ago this was sent, because I have had a tumblr for a very long time and sometimes my brain does something dumb that makes it very hard to be a person.

It is also very hard all the time to think about the parts of me that I like, because I’ve been admonished for humble-bragging or outright bragging. But fuck that. I survived 2020, I deserve to brag a little.

Here goes.

1. I like that I am resilient. I took a job in 2018 that turned out to be a dumpster fire but like, next to a place that was beautiful and thriving and with a little bit of water and lysol, the dumpster could be thriving too. I cleaned house, built connections, and two years later I have a team that respects themselves and each other. We did not lose anyone throughout the pandemic, either to COVID or to someone walking off the job. And all through the process of setting things at that place right, I kept thinking, “this is not enough to break me.” 2020 was almost enough, but only because there were so many moments that felt so awfully hopeless. The year had hard lessons, lessons I should have learned well before the shitshow of a year, but I came through them more capable of being resilient when others can’t, of fighting so that others can rest, and shutting up so that others can talk. All of that is strength, and all of it is mine.

2. I like that I am creative. I am not always good at the things I try, but I still like that I have the drive to try. I am learning to be patient with myself while I am learning, to acknowledge that I’ll fuck up and to remember that that’s part of the process - I learn what works by ruling out the things that don’t work. But my gods, the things my hands can do! I can put colors on a piece of paper, press and pluck strings, move fibers around with a metal stick or two, and make something that did not exist before I called it into being. There are times when I want to discredit that ability. “I just followed a pattern.” “I just copied what someone else did.” “I used the other work to make an outline and painted that in.” But my hands and my brain worked together to make this new thing, and I am allowed to be proud of that.

3. I like that I am kind. My kindness allows me to be the type of manager, the type of leader I am. The kind who tells my staff that they never have to convince me they deserve a day off, that they never have to convince me that they are competent and trustworthy.

4. I like that I am persistent. Sometimes it’s a pain in the ass, like when I can’t help but fixate on finding the one glove that I would have sworn was in that chair just yesterday and I can’t focus on anything else (which might lowkey be a type of autism, but who’s got the money for legit diagnoses in this economy??). But there are other times, like when I stepped into a leadership role after six weeks at a new workplace, when that persistence and willingness to persist allows me to make genuine, honest improvement in the lives of those around me.

5. I like that I contain multitudes and strange dichotomies. I like trashy romance and philosophical treatises. I like classical, heavy metal, rap, folk, sea shanties, and utter nonsense. I like superhero movies and slow burn dramas. I like men and women. I like cats AND dogs. And somewhere in all of that, is space where I can find a way to relate to anyone, to love anyone. Except nazis and fascists. To quote my dad, the Poet Laureate of Black Maple Drive, “Fuck ‘em.”

1 note · View note

totalconway · 4 years

Text

Drinks at the Pub, ends in short film opportunity...

So a little back story first, I started performing stand up comedy in 2012 and by 2013 I was lucky enough to win the state leg of Australia’s largest open mic competition Triple J RAW Comedy and headed to Melbourne to perform on the ABC.

Following that experience I was given a lot of opportunities to perform support spots purely based on that RAW comedy credit.

One case of this was performing at Rottnest Island for their Rottofest summer comedy which was held every Friday during the summer. Rottnest Island is a hot bed of local and international tourist, and the Island’s Gov’s Tavern where the gig is held would often sell out (120+ People) the crowd was always a mix of high profile people and obnoxious drunks (most of the time both)

On one particular Friday night, I was performing, and not to brag blowing the roof off the joint and in the crowd was none other then the President of my favorite sporting team the Fremantle Dockers Football Club.

At the time, the Fremantle Dockers board was facing backlash from the supporter base because they wanted to move the Dockers training ground from their spiritual home of Fremantle Oval to a state of the art, purpose built training facility in Cockburn (Yes Cock Burn) which is about a 30 minute drive up the road.

So after the gig on Rottnest Island, I get introduced to the president of the Dockers with the intro line “Hey Sean, tell him what you think of the Cockburn move” and you can see his look go from chilled and calm to “I seriously got to deal with this shit on my holiday”. I just told him “I’m pumped for it” and I was, its been a good move for the Dockers and I started reeling off the benefits for the move etc etc. We hung out had a few beers and the whole night I was spun out that I was hanging with the president of the Dockers.

I went back to work on Monday telling people I got to hang out with the President of the Dockers, with a bit of fake bravado swagger to jokingly let them know I only hang with A-Listers now! After a couple of days I didn’t think anything of it and went back to gigging and working.

A few months down the track I get an email from the booker of Rottofest Summer comedy asking if I’d be keen to Star in a short film for the Dockers. Its not paid but if the film is one of three winners of the competition I’d receive one of the tickets to the USA which was up for grabs. Honestly, they had me at “Star in Dockers short film”.

Apparently the opportunity was between myself and a Perth duo called Henry & Aaron. Henry & Aaron are film makers/comic actors who pretty much went viral on youtube with every film they made (Talking millions and millions of views) and they lost out to my RAW comedy set that had about 12 views purely because I had a few too many beers with the president of the Dockers.

When I got the call to go meet them about the project I was incredibly nervous. I had a whole pitch prepared about why I was the best candidate for the job “I fucking bleed purple” because I was still thinking I had to audition for the film but essentially I had already been cast in the film. Their only concern was whether or not I could fit in the costume because I’m a big fat dude they had to see if I would be able to squeeze into it. The whole time I was terrified of ripping it because it’s a $3-$4K costume.

Once the costume fit (just) it was straight to work. It was a great project to work on because they gave me a lot of creative control of my character, and I really wanted to portray a David Brent (The Office) like character, like a really fat black sheep in a white herd.

So we started filming in September of 2013, just after the Dockers had beaten Geelong in an away game in the first week of the finals. So the Dockers had a weeks break before they played Sydney in Fremantle’s first home preliminary final in two weeks time. This was a huge moment for the club because If we win this it will be the first Grand Final the Dockers have ever been in.

The first day of shooting was super intimidating, not because I was meeting some of my football idols but because the night before the first day of shooting I watched a documentary called Catching Hell about the Chicago Cubs fan Steve Bartman who was blamed for the Chicago Cubs not winning a game that would of sent them to the world series. Not the best film to watch when you’re about to work with you’re sporting idols on the eve of the biggest game in the clubs history. To say it made me super paranoid the whole shoot is an understatement, and it didn’t help that the first shot of the day was with the Dockers marquee player Matthew Pavlich. The scene was me jumping on his back, FUCK RIGHT OFF. I’m twice the size of Pavlich and you’re dreaming if you think I’m jumping on his back. If you watch the scene I take the “mark” and I’m nowhere near Pavlich.

It was a great shoot because everything was time sensitive, the players had their other appointments so we literally only had 10 minutes for each shot with the players so we flew through the script.

I got to meet a lot of the players I was fans of like Ryan Crowley, Nat fyfe, I didn’t get to meet Michael Walters but the scene he’s in, my fat is hanging out of my footy jersey and I did hear him say to David Mundy “That dude looks like a bag of oranges” which was funny, but Ideally I would of preferred he made the joke to me so I could of gained a fan when I busted his balls back, but unfortunately it wasn’t to be.

The last shot of the film was me gate crashing a press conference with Michael Barlow . Barlow did the interview and the CEO at the time did a big speech thanking the media for their support throughout the year and if they wouldn’t mind hanging around for 10 minutes so we could get our last shot. We smashed out the shot in 2 takes, boom we’re finished, I’m told not to tell anyone about the film until it airs the following week, easy enough right.

Wrong, the next day I’m back at work and people are looking at me like I’m the biggest piece of shit in the world, because one of the media outlets had filmed me gate crashing the Michael Barlow press conference, and passed it off like I was genuinely gate crashing the press conference.

I had to tell people it was for a film which didn’t help the situation because they thought because I do comedy it must have been some Jackass type movie I was doing. It also didn’t help the situation that Radio talk back shows were crucifying me saying how unfunny I was and how big of a dickhead I was for gate crashing the Barlow press conference, but I didn’t care too much because I knew the film was coming out the following week. It didn’t stop my Mum and my sister writing a long scathing letter to the radio station about how they should do their research before they try to shame their baby boy on the radio. Luckily I was able to stop them from sending it out.

The film came out the following week as well as the entries for the other films that we were competing against, the winners would be based on who had the most likes, shares and views. The first film we were up against was by the St Kilda Saints who managed to get Eric Bana to star in their film, it still makes me chuffed to think I starred in a film that went head to head with an Eric Bana film. The second film was by the Melbourne Demons which was a documentary about a child fan who was very sick, third place was us, and the rest of the films were Essendon Bombers which was fucking terrible and a few other teams who I can’t remember.

The film was released the night the Fremantle Dockers played Sydney Swans in a game which would determine who would be playing Hawthorn in the grand final the following week. Literally the clubs biggest game in their history at that point so the game was sold out and 50,000 people got to see me make an ass out of myself and it was humbling how much the Dockers supporters loved it. But more importantly the Dockers smashed the Swans and were headed for their first ever Grand Final.

Being the Dockers fan I am, there was no chance in hell we were missing out on seeing the Dockers play in their first Grand Final. I had cousin’s overseas who cut their holiday short to make it back in time for the Grand Final. It was such an amazing experience heading over for the grand final, and thanks to the film I was a bit of a star amongst Dockers supporters. I was flying over with my dad and at the same time One Direction were flying in and all these young preteen girls were waiting for them with signs and screaming for One Direction. I’m chilling with my dad waiting to board our flight and a family of Dockers fans came over and asked for a photo. All of these young preteen girls were looking at me with a confused look on their face wondering who I was and while they were distracted by me, One Direction walked past the crowd of fans with out any of them noticing.

The morning after we arrived in Melbourne we went straight to the Grand Final Parade which is one of the biggest events of the AFL Grand Final week. All the fans line the street to watch the two competing teams drive through the streets of Melbourne and ends with a big speech on the government steps and the captains of each club holding the trophy in front of their screaming fans. When the event finished all the Dockers fans turned to walk away and saw me in the street. Everyone stopped to shake my hand and to get photos, treating me like a full blown celebrity, even a girl who I had a crush on in High school asked me for a photo and I got to experience all this with my family watching. It was a very surreal and amazing experience to say the least.

The next day was the Grand Final, all the Dockers fans met at Federation Square before the game so we could march to the Melbourne Cricket Ground like soldiers marching to war. It was a sight that Melbourne people have never seen by an interstate club, which made me incredibly proud to be a Dockers fan. Being apart of the film, Dockers fans continued to stop and cheer me as we all marched to the MCG.

When we got to the MCG I was starting to get anxious for the game, my cousins could see me becoming more anxious, which is why they started screaming out "Look it’s the Unsung Docker” every 5 minutes. I had Dockers fans lining up to get a photo with me and then Hawthorn supporters and famous AFL commentators would walk past with a look on their face like “Who the fuck is this guy”

The Dockers ended up losing the Grand Final and we headed to the Dockers after party which felt more like a wake. After the Dockers lost the game I also found out that we also finished fourth in the film competition behind the Essendon Bombers who got the fucking Janoskians to pump out their film amongst their fans and got their views up with comments like “I’m only here because I like the Janoskians” (I’m still bitter about it). In one afternoon I managed to see my favourite team lose the ultimate prize and have my payment for the film pinched from me by some shit head kids, it was a rough way to end what was otherwise a truly amazing experience.

I wasn’t too disappointed though, the film helped me get an acting agent in Sydney which has lead to some amazing acting opportunities. I’ll share some more stories down the track. The Dockers unfortunately haven’t made it to another Grand Final since 2013, but hopefully one day I’m at the right bar at the right time to have a drink with the new president of the Dockers and we can get the wheels moving on The Unsung Docker 2

youtube

#afl #fremantle #fremantledockers #films #youtube #shortfilms #comedy #standupcomedy #careers #acting #lucky #drinking #rottnestisland #perth

2 notes · View notes

justkending · 5 years

Text

Used to Be Overlooked. Chapter 9.

Summary: Steve Rogers was walking down the streets of Brooklyn after finishing a mission. The goal was just to take some time to clear his mind along the city streets, but when he runs into a gorgeous young lady that looks extremely familiar… How can he go about moving on? Who is she? What does he know her from? Was that memory even from this decade?

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader (Rosalyn Ember/ Y/N ?)

Word Count: 3900+

Warning: SLOW BURN. Soooo slow, but sooooo worth it...

Series Masterlist

Chapter 9:

As you all herded into the den, Tony approached you as everyone got situated. Steve was close behind, and soon, was by your side once again as Tony asked you what you wanted to drink.

“Anything is fine. I’m not picky,” You said politely as you crossed your hands in front of you. Something Steve noticed you did when you were in more of a business state. He could tell you still weren’t at the stage of seeing them other than acquaintances. He realized they needed to step up their game if they wanted to get to the bottom of your secret.

“You sure? Cause if you say ‘anything’, I’m going to make you a drink, and not a lot of people can hold my drinks,” Tony smirked.

“You underestimate me Stark,” you said with that damn confidence that made Steve’s heart skip a little faster. “Surprise me,” you winked walking over to an empty spot by Wanda, who was kindly patting the spot next to her with a grin.

“She’s got-” Tony started.

“Moxie. That’s for sure,” Steve finished never taking his eyes off of your perfect figure as you sat down elegantly next to Wanda still with enough space next to you for him.

“Hey, you making any progress in the plan?” Tony said bringing him back.

“If you mean, am I trying to get in her pants? No, I’m not making any progress.” Tony rolled his eyes as he went over to the bar and started making you a special concoction. “I am genuinely trying to get to know her. She seems like a nice gal besides the secret. I’m sure she has reasoning behind it, but right now-”

“We don’t know if she has an evil scheme going on in the background Cap. I hate to break it to you, but pretty girls can be evil masterminds as well.”

“You’ve been in the business too long.”

“Apparently, so has she. You should know, you’re the same age,” he huffed.

“We still don’t know if what we found is really anything to support our theory.” Steve defended. He was really hoping they were just blowing things way out of proportion, and you were just a normal girl.

“Exactly. So get America’s ass out there and do some flirting so we can get to the bottom of this,” Tony said, waving his hand over to the empty spot next to you. Steve turned around to see you a little more relaxed in the comfortable setting and laughing at something Clint said with the group. “I’m going to make a special little drink that may help loosen her up a little,” he added quietly.

Steve’s head turned quickly at the comment.

“Are you trying to get her drunk?” he whisper shouted.

“No, I’m just giving her a drink that may or may not be kinda strong. Alcohol is a truth serum in itself,” he said with a devilish grin looking down as he poured a mixture together.

“Tony, if you-”

“She doesn’t have to drink it if she doesn’t want to. She can do with it what she wants,” he shrugged seeing how the idea was effecting Steve. Rogers shot him a glare not happy with what his plan was. “Go sit down by the pretty girl, pretty boy. I’m not drugging her,” he huffed.

Hesitantly, Steve watched Tony make the drink before he slowly walked back over to you. As he got closer, he heard Clint still telling a story. He sat down next to you still giving you room, but enough closeness to seem friendly. You turned giving him a smile before looking back at Clint who was looking around the group as he finished the story.

“I kid you not, the second try and she gets just inches from the bullseye,” he said with a proud wide smile. Mostly likely talking about his daughter who he just got back from visiting. “I couldn’t be more proud of the little up and coming Hawkeye,” he smiled grabbing his drink and leaning back into the large sectional they were all on.

“You know, I’ve tried my hand in archery myself,” You spoke up making everyone turning their heads at you in shock.

“Is that so?” Clint said sitting back up and placing his elbows on his knees.

“How good are you? Think you can strip this one of his bragging rights?” Nat spoke up with a side smirk on her face.

“I highly doubt that,” you laughed making Steve’s lips pull up in a goofy grin at the sound. Tony walked over and leaned down handing you your drink as you laughed.

“Here you are. Special mix for the special lady,” he smiled handing it to you as you accepted and sniffed it before taking a sip. “Now, what was this I hear about beating Clint in an archery contest?” he asked, watching to see your reaction to the highly potent drink.

Anyone who couldn’t hold their liquor or didn’t drink too often would have made a sour face, but you? You didn't seem phased by it. You just raised an eyebrow before taking another sip and keeping it in your hands as you continued the conversation like normal. He shot Captain a look of shock, and Steve read it knowing what he was thinking. He looked back at you and saw that you didn’t think twice of the drink as you continued to talk.

“I never said anything about a competition, but to answer your question Nat, I actually placed in some tournaments when I was younger,” you answered with the slightest form of pride in your voice, but still humble nonetheless.

“Really?” Nat said surprised. “I thought you just lived and breathed science.”

“Not really living if you only do one thing,” you chuckled. “I branched out when I could. There’s always new things to learn and more fields to become an expert in.” You shrugged taking another sip.

“Well, you’re just full of surprises aren’t you,” Bucky said leaning on the back of his seat and throwing an arm over it. “Any other secrets we should know about?”

You blushed at the comment, and Steve shot Bucky a warning look to stop being so forward, but he brushed it off.

“I uh, I can’t really think of any off the top of my head, but I’m sure you all have some interesting things about yourself. I would love to hear them.”

“You’re the guest. You don’t want to hear all of our silly little stories. We want to get to know you,” Tony said trying to bring the subject back to you.

“Well, I mean-” you started taken aback at the attention.

“Tell us anything. We want to hear it all,” Bucky smiled.

You looked back at Steve almost like he was your support net. You weren’t sure what to say, and you were hoping he would step in to help you.

He just looked at you with a grin, and threw his arm around the back of the chair leaning a little closer.

“I’m with them. I want to get to know the mystery girl I ran into at the coffee shop,” he said just soft enough for only you to hear.

You blushed and sighed before grabbing the drink taking a long sip from it.

“In that case, I’m going to need a little more to drink.”

Tony jumped up clapping his hands smiling as if he won.

“I can help with that,” he said coming over and taking your empty glass. “Same thing?”

“Sure,” you said crossing your legs and getting comfortable. “What would you like to know? Ask and I’ll see what I have to say.”

The room took advantage of digging deep. Steve, Bucky, and Tony were surprised at how well you answered even the most random questions. Like how you got into archery, or how you were able to get into college and fend for yourself out in the real world coming out of the supposed orphanage you lived in. Then when people started asking backstories that required more detail, you didn’t even stutter explaining. How did you have the answers locked and loaded? It was like it was all mapped out, and you quizzed yourself beforehand to not raise suspicion. To top it all off on making it even more impressive to the three, you were acting pretty drunk to not slip up even a little. Steve was starting to second guess their whole diabolical plan to expose you. Not that he was mad about it, but it was becoming more and more of a stretch from where they were coming from.

“Ok, Miss. Ember. If you were so good at archery, I challenge you,” Clint said with a few slurred words after drinking one too many glasses of scotch.

“I don’t think you or me are in the right condition for a competition with weapons Mr. Barton,” you smiled slumping in your more relaxed body language and brushing Steve’s hand on the back of the couch.

His hand tingled at the touch, and when you started to fall a little more, he grabbed your shoulders gently to keep you from slumping too much.

“Yeah, I’m going to have to agree with her. I don’t think you guys are sober enough to be shooting pointed objects at things,” Steve said as you giggled at his touch. He chuckled lowly at your giggle thinking about how even drunk you were graceful, and even more adorable.

“Oh, horse shit,” Clint groaned, waving a hand and standing up walking over to where he was in front of you.

You laughed at his cursing, and covered your mouth embarrassed at how school girlish it sounded, but Steve wanted to hear it a million more times.

“What do you say Rosie? Wanna see if you can beat me?” he said putting his hand out for you to accept the offer.

“Rosie, hmm?” you smirked looking at his hand. “You know what? I would love to prove you wrong,” you said, grabbing it and using it for support as you stood with him. You teetered a little but Steve was quick to catch you and had a hand on your waist for balance. “Excuse me Mr. Rogers. I can’t seem to find my balance,” you giggled again covering your mouth.

“Fine by me if I get to help you up,” he smiled looking down at you as you turned to him. Apparently the alcohol was getting to you because besides the drunken stumbling and bet making, you were flushed in your cheeks. The warmth from the drink was showing, but he wasn’t complaining. He got to rest a hand on your hip and see the soft glow on your cheeks. “Are you sure you want to do this? This doesn’t seem very safe,” he said getting concerned now.

“Who said anything about it being safe?” Clint said grabbing your hand and weaving it into his arm as he started to escort you to the target room.

“Yes, Cap. You do know what you do for a living right? What’s the fun in safe?” you said looking back with a playful smirk on your lips, and a sway on your hips. Almost like you were challenging him. You winked before turning back and laughing with Clint.

Everyone watched for a quick second in shock at the change of pace.

“I don’t know about you guys, but this is definitely something I want to see,” Bucky said, standing quickly and moving to catch up with you two.

“I second that!” Sam said rushing as well.

“We should have her over more. She’s fun. Also has a wild side,” Nat said getting up next with Vision and Wanda in toe. “She’ll fit right in.”

As they started following Clint and you, Steve turned looking at Tony who was kissing Pepper goodnight, and walking to catch up with the group.

“Get what you wanted?” Steve asked as they went to follow the group.

“She’s drunk yes, but her answers? No hesitation. Not even having to process them. Either she’s really good, and has everything figured out, or…”

“Or?”

“Or she’s giving herself away by knowing a little too much to answer.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning, some of those things we asked? People wouldn’t have any memory of and would just say ‘you know, I couldn’t tell ya.’ Instead she has answer for everything,” Tony said as they turned the corner.

“I see your point,” Steve said almost disappointed that he was onto something.

“On the plus side for you, she’s been sneaking a look here and there at you. Not that you haven’t been doing the same, but your charm is really working for you tonight,” he said elbowing Steve gently as they walked.

“What? No, she hasn’t-”

“Don’t kid yourself Rogers. She’s giving you the googly eyes, and you’re giving them right back. If this all works out and we’re wrong and she is normal. I think you should make a move.”

“I don’t know…” Steve said as they approached the door to the target room Clint usually practices in.

“Sure you do,” Tony said patting his shoulder as he walked in, and left the conversation at the door. “So this is really happening?” he said to the group who was crowded around the two drunkards that were about to shoot weapons.

“A hundred percent,” Clint said grabbing a bow, and a few arrows. “I have a women's bow if you-”

“I’ll use that one if you don’t mind,” you said looking at Clint’s making everyone go wide eyed.

Clint laughed it off though.

“More power to you. It’s a little heavier though, and has more resistance.”

“I think I can handle,” You said crossing your arms and leaning back on your foot more laid back. “After you of course,” you said motioning to the target.

Clint let out a short laugh watching you. He tilted his head and shrugged it off before moving to the target, and lining up. It was a little harder drunk with everything spinning, but he never missed. He took the shot everyone watching, but not shocked when it landed right in the middle of the bullseye.

“Done. Think you can match it?” he said turning smugly back to you, and handing off the bow.

You took it no problem and studied it.

“This is a beautiful bow. What kind is it?” you said twisting it in your hand and Steve moved to the front of the crowd to where he was just a few feet away from you. He was ready to help you stand if your legs and balance decided to finally go out.

“It’s custom made by Tony. Everything from what we wear, to what we use as gear is all Stark made,” Steve answered making you look up and into his blue eyes.

You smiled not realizing he was even there until now.

“Interesting. Wanna come visit the lab at some point, and custom make something for me sometime Tony?” you said looking around Steve’s shoulder at him.

“If you make the shot, I’ll do it for free,” he smirked putting his hands in his pockets.

“Deal,” you said grabbing an arrow and making your way to the target spot. “Now, you’ll have to excuse me. It may take me a minute to find my groundings. All those drinks are making me a little… spiny,” you said giggling at the word that was definitely not something you would say sober.

“Rose, are you sure you should-” Steve said concern filling his voice again.

“Don’t worry about me. I know my limits,” you smiled placing the arrow in its position and turned just your head to look at the group that was on their toes anxious to see if you really were as good as you were leading on. “Jeez, you all look so tense. What do you think I’m going to do? Shoot someone?”

“Maybe, but we’re more excited for you to show up Barton here,” Nat said throwing a thumb the direction of a stern Clint who was watching your stance, and crossing his arms.

“You ready for that Clint?” you asked with a cork of your eyebrow.

“Give it your best,” he said in a cocky tone.

“You asked for it.” You turned back to the target eyeing it and studying it.

Everyone shifted in their spots nervous to see if you were just all talk and drunk. Steve's eyes were glued to you, nervous that you would miss aim and somehow shoot a wall ricocheting the arrow somewhere.

You made everyone a little anxious as you stumbled on your feet a little trying to find the right stance and twitched with the bow trying to balance the weight.

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea to give the drunk girl a bow and arrow…

Then almost instantly, your stance straightened and the the shuffling stopped. You were still and completely in control. You raised the bow, propped your elbow, and pulled the string back to your cheek with ease. If they hadn’t seen you drink all those drinks, they would've thought you were sober.

With the light sound of you breathing out in concentration, you let go of the string and the arrow flew straight forward hitting right in the center of the red circle.

Jaws dropped, eyebrow raised, breaths that people didn’t realize they were holding, were let go.

“Holy-” Nat, Bucky, and Sam started.

“Shit.” Clint finished coming around you and looking at the perfect shot. “But you- you’re- How did you-?”

“I told you not to underestimate me,” you said smiling at your accomplishment and turning back to the group with a gloating grin. “I believe you said something about visiting my lab for some updates, am I right Mr. Stark?” you questioned placing the bow down and turning to Tony who still had his mouth open.

Wanda and Nat’s looks turned to impressed smirks as they saw what you did. You played them. Hell, you may have been drunk, but you had a skill that they were not ready for. And you showed them not to underestimate a woman. A powerful one at that.

“Did you just-”

“Prove you wrong?” you finished for him as you walked over and stood next to Steve only a mere foot between you two. “Yes, I actually proved a majority of you wrong,” you grinned. “I could tell you didn’t think I could do it, and when that happens,” you shrugged before putting your hands behind your back. “Well things like that happen,” you nodded back to the target without looking.

“Right. So you played me?” Tony said.

“If that’s how you want to look at it,” you shrugged.

Tony huffed a laugh looking down. “Well!” he said clapping his hand and walking to the door. “I think we all need a drink after that.”

You giggled, and everyone started following Tony out, all muttering to themselves about the surprising scene that they just watched. Steve and you were the last to leave, and as you started walking, you paused grabbing Steve’s arm who was right next to you.

“Mind being my balance beam on the way up. I can’t seem to walk straight after Tony’s drinks,” you laughed.

He quickly extended his arm, and you hooked your hand through it slightly leaning on him for support.

“You sure about that? You seemed to have your balance two seconds ago,” he laughed with you.

“Maybe, but also this gives me a chance to hold onto Captain America. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity,” you said with a flirty smile.

Steve blushed at the comment and chuckled under his breath as he started guiding you back up stairs.

“Tell me about yourself Steve,” you said randomly as the both of you walked at a slow speed taking your time.

“What?” he said surprised.

“Anything. I feel like I’ve been spilling my guts out about my life to everyone tonight, and I don’t even know anything about you all.”

“Well, you said you watch the news?” he asked looking at you, and you nodded looking ahead. “Then you know about me pretty much. I feel like my story is already out there,” he said in almost a sadden tone.

You turned your head with an empathetic look.

“That’s not true.”

“How so?” he said looking into those big y/e/c eyes.

“That’s just a piece of who you are. Just like I’m one of the youngest female scientist in my field is a piece of who I am. If you can tell from tonight, that’s not all that I am. I have a few tricks up my sleeve.”

“That you do,” he laughed. Oh, how you loved the sound of that deep laugh.

“So, tell me one of your tricks.”

“I guess you could say I’m still trying to figure them out. My life has been just constant fighting. Ever since I got the serum I’ve just been part of a war. Defending those who can’t defend themselves,” he shrugged not sure what else to talk about. “Then I woke up, 70 years later, and-” he paused. “More wars and fights still needed to be fought. So… I fought.”

You looked up at him with a sad look. He really had thought that that was all there was to life. He hadn’t been able to live it really ever since the 40’s.

“Ok, what about hobbies? You must have some of those?” You both paused just right outside the Den wanting a few more minutes to yourself.

“Hobbies?”

“You know besides, the kicking and punching bad guys. How do you spend your nights off?”

“Training I guess?”

“Steve, come on. There has to be something else.”

He paused looking at your pleading eyes for more knowledge on him. You really did want to help him see more than just the good fight he had been a part of.

“Um, I guess drawing. I like drawing.” he shrugged as he turned to you.

“Drawing?” you asked looking down with a smile. You remember a certain someone telling you about that. “You any good at it?” you said looking up.

“I mean it’s not professional, but it’s uh, it’s not bad.” he rubbed the back of his neck.

“I would like to see them sometime,” you smiled making him look back up.

“What?”

“Maybe you can bring them on our coffee date.” you said confidently.

“Really?”

“Don’t act so surprised Steve. I would love to go out with you sometime,” you said bringing your hands back in front of you, and folding them.

“I would love that too,” he said shyly.

“Perfect. It’s a date. I assume Tony can help you find a way to contact me,” you winked before walking back to the group.

Steve let out a breath as he watched you walk off with ease. Were you even drunk? You weren’t walking or acting like it anymore? With the amount of alcohol Tony gave you, any woman your size, no matter her tolerance, shouldn’t be acting this put together.

“Who are you Rosalyn Ember? Who are you really?” Steve asked as he watched and slowly made his way back to the group.

Chapter 10

Used to be Overlooked Tag:

@xa-dia @losersunitetonight @fashionlive15 @star-spangled-man-with-a-plan@steverogersxreader @laneygthememequeen @lauravic @shreddedparchment @iheartsebastianstan @almostelegantfire @manymaria111 @carol-damn-vers @angelkurenai @squirrelgirl67 @stevieboyharrington @deaniebean @demon-doggo @badassbeckettswan

Other Tags:

@shamelesslydean @sleepless-sin @sandlee44 @gripmetight-raisemefromperdition @spnwoman @ravengirl94 @carryonmywaywardcaptain@ezilyamuzed @thosekidswhohuntmonsters @purpleskiesandcherrypies @anise-d-castle6 @tailsoflightning @spookycowz @eve05glee @snffbeebee @deans-baby-momma @natura1phenomenon @tftumblin @gh0stgurl @screechingartisancashbailiff @kersumgen @herscrunchiehairtie @dreaminemz @monkeymcpoopoo@a-girl-who-loves-disney @andthatsmyworld @greenarrowhead @savio-the-depressed-moose @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce @greyeyedsmile14 @sundownridge @adoptdontshop-blog @casper57 @twentyonesupernaturalartist @traceyaudette@rainflowermoonlibrary @traceyaudette @luciathewinchestergirl @almostelegantfire @thefaithfulwriter @deansgirl-1968

If I tagged you and you aren’t normally on my tag list, I thought you would enjoy the story. Fair warning, it is a slow burn so we will get to the bottom of the issue later, but the burn is what makes it soooooo sweet. I’m really excited for this series, and would love your feedback:) Thank you!

If you want removed let me know. After 3 chapters I will only tag those that I normally do, or those that ask:)

#marvel #marvel series #marvel fanfiction #steve rogers series #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x reader series #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers #captain america x reader #captain america x reader series #captain america series #captain america #justkending #series #reader insert

123 notes · View notes

its8simplejulesblog · 4 years

Text

I Rewrote This Three Times

Because I didn’t really know how to encompass everything I was trying to say. However, the gist of this post is this: I’m so tired of being angry. I think that generally it’s something I hide pretty well. My finsta is not that exciting because a majority of the posts now are just me talking about how much better I’m feeling. This blog is about so many different ways to better yourself and make the best of quarantine. All my conversations with my friends are about how much I love and appreciate them (which of course is true), but today I got a slap in the face.

The past 4 months for me have involved a lot of learning about who I want to be and how to become that. However, we’re all people, and naturally, I’m not always my own best role model. Everyone knows that we’re our own worst enemy, especially people with anxiety, and while I’ve come to realize that and recognize when it’s happening that doesn’t mean that it won’t happen. For example, I can confidently say that I am very happy with my life on all accounts except for one.

No one wants to get cheated on. It’s shitty and it happens a lot, but it shouldn’t. I think in some ways I’ve handled it pretty well in the sense that I never took it out on myself. I didn’t necessarily think that there was some huge defining moment where I fucked it all up. If anything, I bounced back pretty fast in terms of confidence and personal growth. I’d probably say that I’ve surpassed even where I was before I dated him. Which should be enough right? Where this is where I’m failing.

There is the tiniest part of me, even still, that just wants to destroy him, ya know? Granted, I feel like that’s a normal outcome when something like this happens. You feel used and cheated (probably cause you were), so you feel like you need some sort of reparation.

I didn’t get it.

And I just can’t seem to get over that.

I think as my confidence grows, it just makes that sentiment even worse, because I know so deep in my bones the basic human decency that I deserve and the fact that the lowest of the low at least get a fake apology is still SOMETHING. Not even that? Come on man. I think my main issue is that I have this sense of ethics in me that is so grotesquely disgusted by cowardice. Not to brag (okay,,,humble brag), but in middle school we had this award called a Nobel Character Award (weird, christian school things..I know) and I won it multiple times. I think it’s because there is nothing I want more than for people to be treated with kindness, to feel like they deserve quality attention and care. To have that turned completely against me when all I ever wanted was to dish it out makes me physically sick every day.

Now, I promise I’m not trying to paint myself as a savior. I know I’m not perfect. Have I constantly upheld that value? In some situations, probably not, but it’s something I recognize as important. Similarly, the last thing I want is to victimize myself. I don’t need pity to feel loved and cared for. And frankly, I don’t want it. I want people to take care of me because they want to, and feel like it’s mutually reciprocated, rather than feeling like I NEED it and I’m fragile.

Victimizing yourself for attention you don’t deserve (in lieu of my last post) is probably my biggest pet peeve...ever. I don’t understand it. Everyone’s feelings are valid. However, don’t ever use that as a justification for a shitty decision. I don’t say this lightly, but if you feel the need to manipulate others to feel empathy for you, you’re psychotic. It should come naturally. If it doesn’t, a concept, maybe you deserve to feel guilty, and if that thought scares you, you were way too insecure for a relationship..or any relationship at all, in the first place.

In terms of my thoughts about my ex. They rarely exist. Or at least, they rarely exist at the surface of my memory now. While no one can come out of a relationship and truthfully say “I’ve moved on, I don’t think about it” (at least from my knowledge), the only time I can say that I think about it is either when 1.) someone brings up something he did or 2.) my unconscious gets emotional for no reason.

You know what I mean. Sometimes you’re just mad for no reason. Nothing set it off, it’s just there. Today, the latter was what happened. When I originally broke up with him I went OFF. It was not my brightest moment. There was no logic involved and did I harrass him on multiple social media platforms for being the scum of the earth, yes. I’m not proud of it. But, that’s what emotions are like. They kind of sucker punch you in the gut and convince you to word vomit exactly what will hurt people directly to their face.

It was a temporary high, I was like “yeah take that you chopstick looking bitch.” But, as time went on it got kind of old. Often times I get so frustrated that I ever dated someone that would cheat and run away from it. For a while I got genuinely nauseous thinking about it. I’ve never felt so physically and mentally disrespected and violated and honestly, these are the things I wish he would hear. Not that I think he’s trash or an idiot or worthless, but more so that this is just..not how you treat people.

I hope he figures his shit out. I hate that this happened, but I hope that he never does something like that again to someone and if he does, then maybe he really is the scum of the earth (sorry, that’s my favorite insult).

I’m tired of feeling secondhand anger because this is what he should be feeling, not me. The problem with victimizing is that he gets to hide under a rock while I deal with double the emotions for both of us. I have to be embarrassed FOR him. Does that make sense?

And it takes a toll on me. Have you ever felt utter disgust? It’s a horrible feeling, you just want to continuously shower for the rest of your life. I don’t want to feel that way. Especially around people that I love. I don’t want every new friendship and relationship that I’ve started since that time to be constantly weighed down by my disgust towards someone else. My friends don’t deserve that.

The good news though, is that they remind me what I’m doing. When you’re around people that bring out the best in you, nothing else matters. In relationships, friendships, I really can’t describe it (but this is a blog so of course I’ll try). You know when people say “you’re glowing,” it’s kind of like that. You feel so warm and you laugh so hard and honestly you’re brand new. I’ve met so many people that make me feel like that. And since that’s the case, why in HELL should anything else matter. Whether you believe in it being God’s will or the Universe’s, you always seem to get the things you need from the people you never knew you needed.

It’s hard for me to say that I want the best for my ex. Honestly, most of the time I want him to be having a really shitty day and a really shitty time and fail at everything. But, every day I get closer and closer towards truly not caring. Because at the end of the day it is the most refreshing feeling to not be manipulated anymore.

Huge fucking hugs to all my friends and family. God I’m so lucky <3

-Julia

0 notes

aurimeanswind · 6 years

Text

The ExtraLife 2017 Write Up

I’ve been in a pretty terrible mood all day.

It took me a while to realize why. To realize I didn’t want to talk to anyone. To realize I was being short with folks.

Part of it is definitely I feel quite sick. My throat hurts, my body aches, and I feel a bit awful across the board. Also my house is a mess and I need to deal with it. I’m also just endlessly tired still since I haven’t slept well since Friday night (but boy did I sleep real good on the most important night of the last week).

But it’s that depression. That post-event depression that I’ve definitely seen and experienced before. But not like this. Never this bad before.

I had the supreme honor of hosting ExtraLife 2017 for Irrational Passions in my very home, where all of my very best friends from across the internet actually flew from their respectives states, and in Ally Mushka’s case, respective country, to sit in my far-too-crowded home and to not only spend time with me, but to physically exhaust themselves for the sake of entertainment and charity. For some reason, when I asked, they answered. They showed up.

Part of this weekend was frustrating because of the twelve or so people that told me I should be proud of what I’ve built, or be proud in general, and to take a minute to look around and enjoy what you’ve built and brought together. I don’t mean frustrating insofar as I disagree, or even that I was already doing it, it just, never felt like that to me? It was never about that for me. Writing the review was never about the views, it wasn’t even totally about using it as a stepping stone to get to the next thing, it was about sharing something special. About having an emotion, or an experience, personified and delivered.

ExtraLife was never about bragging about what I made, it was about living life and sharing it with the people I cared about the most. And boy do I sound dumb, or pretentious, or on some high horse here, but those who know me, specifically those who attended ExtraLife I’m sure, know I’m being as sincere as I can muster when I say it.

Thank you. For the kind words of how proud I should be of this. I am. I’m humbled. I’m beyond honored, beyond thankful. But past all of that, I’m grateful. Grateful to be a part of all of your lives. Grateful that you’d even spend time on someone who genuinely spends most of his time alone, playing video games, and writing in his basement, like a living stereotype.

It’s difficult to put into words how low your self-esteem is sometimes, and it’s a bummer to hear and say at times but it’s also a part of me. But it’s very difficult for me to feel in any way special. Even in a weekend where I felt so eye-of-the-storm-y as this last one, it’s still hard for me. But I’m trying. Trying to appreciate what I helped make.

I love people. Above that, I love good people, and I always try and be the good guy at the end of the day. It’s silly, at times, and it makes me a goody-two shoes and a try hard way too much of the time, but it is, to some extent, sincere. Mostly. Sure I do it for the cookie points sometimes just like everyone else, but I mean it.

I, much like all of us, am a reflection of the incredible people I surround myself with and bring together. Bringing people together and seeing the friendships blossom and flourish is two parts for me: one part incredibly satisfying because you help share the love you have for that person with someone else, and another part selfishly depressing because you know that this new bond you helped engineer is different than the one you have already established, and you will never have that different bond, only the one you’ve already made, and you endlessly and selfishly crave all the types of friendship, and love, and closeness that you’ve seemingly auctioned off to everyone else, while still trying to balance what you already have and appreciate it, and not take it for granted, and be good, and follow that good path.

(Whoa nelly that’s a very deep look into the inner recesses of my mind and thought processes real quick.)

I want all of you to be proud too, because without you, there would be nothing built. There’d be no result. You all took a shot on me and tried to go along with something fun and cool, and because of you, there is now something special in the world. A new event that happened, that occurred, that you got to be a part of, and no matter what I did to bring it together, you got to make it happen. You got to view it. You got to take part in whatever small portion of it there was.

Now I’m a little pissed because Roger Pokorny went and did what I was going to do and made a nice thank you list of special messages to wonderful people so I hope he forgives me for doing the same, but I swear I had this idea since earlier today. It was private, and for us, but here is my rendition, for the world to see on my dumb blog.

Jazz.

Man, what did I tell you? You’d have a great time and make great friends and everyone would love you.

Nailed it.

Got ‘eeeeem.

Yup.

Finally everyone else gets to see why I fucking adore you so much. Why you’re maybe my favorite person in the world. I’m really fucking bad at making and having platonic female friendships, and yours is so damn important to me and to maintain, and I’m so thankful I have you. Moreover, I’m glad a little slice of the world gets to see why I am legitimately the luckiest human in the world to have you, for some wild reason, consider me your best friend. To know how lucky I’ve been to have you in my life these last three years.

Cheers, J.

Ally.

Like I said, platonic female relationships are a big problem with me, and especially when it’s with someone who is just endlessly driven and brilliant and intimidating. But you also take the time to listen to my silly opinions and hear me out. You even were cool with flying from Canada in a last-minute trip to stay at my house for a rawkus party. You must be crazy, and I’d almost think so, if you weren’t so damn brilliant.

A true professional and an asset to any living person’s life. Seeing your blossom a friendship with Jazz this weekend is maybe the greatest accomplishment of my entire career.

Joey.

Shoutout to the female friends.

Joey, you’re so joyous, and fun, and happy, and sweet, and caring, and funny, I can’t believe you wanted to come to this thing in the first place. You’re insane for fitting it into your schedule, but I’m so happy you did, because sharing the madness with you was a supreme honor. You just make me comfortable and happy and smile. I adore you, and your ability to drink, be merry, and make friends is a skill that inspires me and everything I do.

Please. Keep killing it.

Gen.

I’m glad I finally got to feel like I got to know you this weekend. You jokingly suggested you would cook for everyone when I had dinner with you and Greg back in June, and yet, instead of just living up to the line, you blew it out of the water. You acted as a real Most Valuable Player and fed a bunch of picky, mushroom-hating nerds like us. Not only that, but you kept things light and moving, and held a great and simple conversation with me in my kitchen at 10:30 in the evening, after standing on your feet all day, like a real fucking trooper.

You’re an inspiration, and getting to see a cook as incredible as you in my kitchen was an honor in itself.

Greg.

You know I’m a sap. You know you’re the reason I write about games today. You know becoming your friend has been maybe the biggest honor in my upcoming as a nobody games-writer.

And I know you’re probably sick of hearing it hahaha. But I fucking love you dude.

I hope you asked Andy Serkis that dumb question I told you to ask (but not really it’s super NSFW, or NSFAS (Not Safe for Andy Serkis).

Thinking about you flying from San Francisco to Maryland with your wife just to hangout in my house and play games with a no-name like me is crazy. You’re crazy dude. And I love it.

Also, your unending energy and enthusiasm for everything kept me going so hard. Just having you was such an inspiration I simply had to step up my hosting game. You kept me strong and charging forward, like always.

Portillo.

Why’d you scare my cat dude?

Troll.

You’re a one man production team and you should be unendingly proud of yourself. I put you through all the hell I could this weekend, and instead of wincing and screaming, you took a deep breath and did incredible problem solving and barely broke a sweat.

Well, actually we sweat a lot because it was very warm in my house from all the bodies.

But I am so unendingly thankful for your production talent. You killed it.

John.

You’re so funny. I’m so glad I got to see you bond with all these new kids and make so many friends. People love you and your charm and your ease of putting a non-sequitur into literally every sentence that leaves your mouth. You did incredible.

Tony.

I give you a lot of shit, and some of it rightfully so, but you know I fucking love you. You know you took up the torch and fucking owned it when Troll had to get some sleep this weekend. You know you are a rock under pressure and did great, and made the bits work, and helped us all have fun.

Scott.

Fuck dude. Seeing you grow and change from Episode 1 to Episode 353 has been incredible. You’re the funniest person on Irrational Passions Podcast and no one even knows it. This was your weekend to shine, and I fucking love you man. You killed it.

Nabeshin.

No words of thank you will be enough to accurately surmise how much you were my rock this weekend. You held me up and anytime you saw me cracking you stepped in and took a little load off. You’re literally incredible, and a walking superhero, and you know it, and you’ll never talk about it as much as I never will talk anything positive about myself. I love you man.

Andrew.

My Colombian meatball. I adore you and your quietness, and I fucking hate you too because you’re so funny and have so many incredible things to say but are too content sitting quietly in the corner and having a good time. But you’re so great. Thank you for coming, for making it happen, and for being cool with us playing Africa for you 1000 times (AKA the best song ever).

Jarrett & Jacob

My double-entenjays. My sweet boys. My grown ass adults. The two of you together are like an actual, ltieral dream team of hilarity and fun. The two of you are two parts real, and two parts incredible laughter, just rolled up into the most fun duo a party could ever ask for. I love you two, but moreover, I love that the two of you keep hanging out with me, for some fucking reason, because you’re two of the best and tallest, and most beautiful dudes in the world, inside and out.

Fuck.

How did I get so lucky to have the two of you come on to Irrational Passions?

Logan & Jurge

Once again:

Fuck.

How did I get so lucky to have the two of you come on to Irrational Passions?

Jurge is a walking stressball of incredible talent, and took more off my shoulders this weekend than almost anyone else just with his sheer willingness to do social media stuff. Logan taking the chair and helping keep the party alive, and most of all, the positivity alive always was incredible. The two of you are so much more talented than me, and I know the minute the two of you actually realize it, you’ll be off to the races.

It seems counterintuitive to my master plan of world domination, but I’m endlessly excited for that day to come.

Justin.

I know I didn’t get to spend as much time with you this weekend as I have at previous ExtraLifes, and I’m sorry. I did a bad job in that regard. I wanna do better. But I’m glad you got to be a part of the the incredible group of people I’ve built around me as a protection against my dumb inner thoughts that hate myself. You’re positive, and love shit I don’t love, and we got to talk about The Evil Within 2, and I’m sorry I don’t like it as much as you, but I swear I like it.

Cameron.

You’re like a walking parody of the esoteric bullshit I have pouring out of me at all times in every facet. You appreciate everything so much that you make ME feel bad that I’m not appreciating everything as much as I could, and this post is up to 2247 words!

That’s fucking skill.

I love you dude, and you’re a loving guy who gets way to angry about superhero movies. What if they all suck? Man, that’d be a bummer if that were true.

Tell shorter stories, and keep hugging people. You’re so good at both, you’re making us all look bad.

Trevor.

We call you the dad a lot but you’re just out here caring about all of us so much, that’s all. There is a generosity and inquisitiveness in you that is pretty much unparalleled by most of us plebeians. We’re just trying and failing to show you up.

You went with every bit and had a good time this week, and finally shaved your damn head. It was great. I miss your locks.

You’re a great human with an even greater heart, and even though you go hard in on everyone (and boy do you look like you do too now) you’re just trying to cover up what a loving sap you are. I know it. You know it. Let’s just never talk about it ;)

Roger.

Hey fuck you Roger. Not for any particular reason, just because you apologize too much. And call me a racist too much. I fucking love you so much. I’ve never really known what it’s like to have a little brother, but you’re a surreal balance of mentor, friend, brother, and lit-420-69-bro.

You do need to choose your words better sometimes, because I think you use lit too much. Oh, and you apologize too much. Like me. I’ll never give you too hard a time on it though because I’m the same way.

In fact, I’m sorry you think I’m actually being mean to you sometimes when I’m just trying to get a good joke in. Around you, it’s really hard, because being funny when you’re in the room is almost impossible. You’re too good. Too funny. Too talented.

Keep it up. Just don’t keep talking to losers like me for too long, I’ll only bring you down.

And goddamn I will bring you down with me if ever I fucking can you talented motherfucker.

And last but not least.

Alex.

Yeah, you.

And I know this is going to be weird for everyone else to see you write some weird positive-encouragement shit to yourself, but it’s also definitely been weird for everyone to have all this sappy shit you’ve been writing about them posted so that like, everyone else can see, and all the other people who attended ExtraLife can see, and— well... Anyway.

You killed it. You know you did. It was lit. Remember that part when Danny O’Dwyer showed up and you didn’t have a panic attack? It was rad. He said you did a good job. The Irish never lie dude.

Oh and when you did an impromptu interview with him and Greg Miller in your kitchen after and during ExtraLife respectively? Yeah that was fucking cool too. And you know it was cool because everyone suddenly just showed up and got quiet and just watched you. And you had like an ego-boner the whole time but you’ll never tell. <_<

I know you feel bad because you gave Jazz a bad promo at the end, didn’t thank Troll AT ALL for producing, and didn’t thank your cohosts at all, like some fucking asshole. But like, in your defense, you were legit very tired.

You hosted your ass off. You Jeff Gerstmann’d, Greg Miller’d, Danny O’Dwyer’d, and most of all, Ryan Davis’d your fucking ass off.

Pat on the back. It was lit.

___

That’s all I got.

I fucking love you all. I miss you all. I’m so so so so lucky to have you all. Thank you for giving me the time of day. Don’t you dare ever let me take any of you for granted. You’re incredible, and all only deserve the best.

GG y’all.

Keep it real.

1 note · View note

hoseokmylovesworld · 5 years

Text

Picture of Love | 03

Pairing: Photographer!Hoseok x OC x Producer!Yoongi

Genre/Warnings: Hoseok AU/Yoongi AU/Includes strong language.

Words: 2,649

Summary: Charlotte Galloway is the leader of the up and coming girl band, “She-Bang”, with a side hustle as a photographer for anyone who will hire her. She meets a fellow professional photographer named Jung Hoseok who helps “She-Bang” realize their dreams and Charlotte to make a love connection along the way.

J-Hope and I continue to walk side by side down the street and away from the blues hall and my friends. I also continue to be a bit tipsy.

I didn't drink that much, I should sober up up soon enough. I'm just worried about what might come out of my mouth. I got myself into enough trouble today as it is.

J-Hope looks down as we walk, but I notice him glance at me from time to time at my side. "So..." I start shakily. "So..." He replies finally looking at me expectantly.

"Are you sure you weren't stalking me? Because I forgive you if you were." I chuckle trying to lighten up the mood. He almost snorts when he howls with laughter at my comment.

Definitely, internally patting myself on the back for that one.

I nervously laugh along with him. "You shouldn't, but no, I was not stalking you, I swear." he sighs out his last bout of laughter. "Hey, no worries, like I said it's okay if you were." I say earning more laughter from J-Hope.

"Ha ha. No. I guess the universe just keeps bringing us together." He side glances me and I could just punch him in his perfect face. "Boy I hope you're right." I whisper to myself. "What was that?" He craned his neck to hear me better.

I freeze. Quick! think of something cool.

"I said in your dreams." Good one. Whew!

"Yeah, so far." He drawls smoothly. Fuck.

"So quick witted aren't you?" I half joke/half curse him while nudging his shoulder with mine, causing him to go slightly off balance. We laugh it off. "You're not so bad yourself." he replies, I just shrug, looking down at the side walk. At least he noticed.

"Yeah, but you perfected it so much it's basically a talent." I compliment him. "Some might say so." he played along. Hm.

"Oh? So what other talents so you have?" We're all alone and have time to spare. Might as well get to know the guy. That's what we said last time. Go away conscience.

"Oh me?" his eyes widened slightly and his walking slowed a bit. "Yeah you." I mocked in a low voice. "Ha ha. Uh, well, I'm good at taking pictures..." "Yeah I kind of gathered that." What with the pictures of Selena fricken Gomez on your goddamn camera and shit.

"Aha. Um...Oh! My friends tell me I'm good at dancing." I stop walking. J-Hope stops as well.

I look J-Hope over. "You? Good at dancing?" I ask in disbelief. He spreads his arms and gives me a 'try me' look. "You don't believe me?"

"No I don't actually." I answer immediately giving him a taste of his own medicine from earlier today. He realizes the reference I've made and narrows his eyes at me. "Show me something." I challenge him.

He doesn't seem like one to back down from a challenge. Or breakout in dance for that matter.

He checks out his surroundings for some reason (Probably to make sure no one sees him embarrass himself) and then proceeds to 'show me something.' "Okay then. Here goes nothing."

He starts to swivel his torso and legs in a way that is somehow impressive even though I know nothing about dance. I begin to feel amazed until he started swinging his arms in time with his hips while sporting jazz hands, his face contorting into a cheesy, blinding smile. And this has just become a ploy to make Charlotte laugh. And boy is it working.

I think I'm sober now...Or am I still drunk? Who knows.

I end up putting one hand over my mouth, one hand over my stomach and shutting my eyes tight because I am doubled over in laughter and smiling hard as hell. I open my eyes to find a proud J-Hope with the most brilliant smile on his face.

"You lied to me." I heave trying to catch my breath. "No I didn't." He chuckles. "You'll just have to see my actual skills another time." He wriggled his eyebrows and huffed out a laugh.

So he wants to see me again. Only if we don't fuck up tonight.

"Ohhhh, he's cocky too?!" I place my right hand vertically above my o-shaped mouth in mock shock. "Hey! No, just hopeful." he looks piercingly and honestly into my eyes. I am forced to look away first, I couldn't take his gaze any longer. I bite my lip out of anxiousness.

Now I'm sober.

"And here we are." J-Hope announced as we came up on the ice cream parlor finally. J-Hope quickly hops in front of me to open the door of the parlor for me. "Smooth." I say as a matter of fact, making eye contact as I walk through the door. He shrugs, not-so-humbly, causing me to chuckle. We're the only customers.

We approach the counter, J-Hope turns to me and says "Choose whatever you want, it's on me." My head flicks in his direction. "That's okay, I can get it myself." I say trying to come off as polite and not some bitch that won't let anyone do anything for her. Well, that is what you are.

J-Hope looks befuddled, but pulls it together hastily. "No, no. Don't worry, I've got it." he assures, pulling out his wallet. I pull mine out as well. "And I'm telling you that it's okay." I drag out in a low tone, politeness fading. "But I'm sup-"

"Vanilla cone dipped in raspberry syrup please." I step to the cashier, paying J-Hope no attention. "Coming right up, that'll be $4.75." I pay the nice enough, Italian looking man promptly and step back to J-Hope, stuffing my wallet back into my jacket pocket.

He looks down at me through narrowed eyes and a slight smirk. Now I'm feeling light headed. Someone catch me. "Well played." was all he said before he approached the cashier to take his give his order. I chose a table and just like that J-Hope is walking towards me with his cone and mine, he hands mine to me. He's gone with a plain chocolate, cone. Simple. Nice.

"Do you want to stay here a bit or just eat these on the way back?" He asks already digging into his, still standing.

Hmm. Walk back with J-Hope already without getting to know him or talk with him AND walk back with him? No-brainer.

"I have no where to be. Let's stay here." J-Hope gave a little victory smile and nod and sat across form me. I attempt to start the conversation.

"So, what did-" "Uh-uh." He cuts me off and wags a finger at me. I scoff. "Excuse me?" My eyebrows damn near touch my hairline.

"You've asked questions about me since we met. What about you?" He laughs and gestures towards me. "What about me?" I counter. He huffs out a breath. "Where are you from?"

Oh. He wants to get to know ME. Well shit, I wasn't expecting this. Just play it cool.

"Oh, um, San Diego. Born and raised." I shrug. He nods.

"Any siblings?" he takes a lick of his ice cream while making eye contact, like it was nothing. I look away.

"No. Had a close cousin though. We were always together." The smile on my face slowly faded into a solemn line at all the memories, good and bad, that flooded my mind in that moment. "You?" I ask attempting to redirect the conversation away from me, but I was genuinely interested.

"Oh-yeah, I heave an older sister." He stumbled, trying not to notice my little slip up. "That's nice." I lick my ice cream.

"So...How in the world did you end up in San Franci-"

"Can we talk about something else please?" I cut him off harshly. "Oh! of course, I was just try-"

"No, I know. I'm sorry, it's just...maybe another time." I absolutely could not just talk about the things I literally only talk about with my crew to an almost stranger, but I feel like J-Hope might become one of those people I can share all my deep, dark secrets with, with time. "Yeah, no, of course. What do you want to talk about?" He asked, being considerate of my feelings.

I sigh. "Ummm. What's your favorite place to take pictures? Oh! Or what's your favorite thing to take pictures of?" I settled. "Wow." He sighed thoughtfully.

"That's quite a question." He gazed up above my head in a trance. "Two actually." I added, smiling proudly at my diversion. "True." He points at me with wide eyes, I mimic him, we laugh.

"OH! I don't mean to brag, but I've been to India once or twice and the sights there are. To. Die. For." He stressed, talking with his hands.

"Wow" was all that I could utter, expressionless. J-Hope continued to reminisce about his time spent in India while I tried to figure out why this man was even talking to me. He seems so cultured and well seasoned. He's been to foreign countries and I've never even been out of California. He probably has a group of 'important people' for friends and has had a slew of exotic girlfriends by now. No doubt he has a car...Or two. Why this man is talking to me, I will never know.

He stops talking and I have to ask "How old are you again?" even though I know I never asked. Idiot.

"Oh, I'm 24." I almost choke on the breath entering my lungs. WHAT?! Who is doing this shit at 24 years old?! Now I'm just jealous.

"You?" He reflects with a smile. "Uh..." I get a hold of myself. "I'm 23." I swallow.

"Oh good." He said, almost relieved.

"Okay, so...favorite thing to shoot?" I get the conversation back on track. He groans and piers up at me from under his lashes. Fuck you Jung Hoseok.

"If I tell you, you have to promise not to laugh." He says serious as ever. Uhhh.

"Why? It's not like a nature meadow of exotic flowers after rain is it?" J-Hope's eyes widen and he looks down. "Noooooo." He trails off weakly.

I can't help myself, I burst out laughing. "Seriously J-Hope? You've been to India and that's your favorite thing to shoot?" I ask out of breath from laughter.

He whined, cracking a smile into his ice cream. "You promised you wouldn't laugh." He reminded.

"I don't remember promising anything." I taunted. "Touche." he jokingly laments.

Our time at the ice cream parlor continued as such. Asking each other important and pointless questions and teasing each other or nodding in earnest. We told each other jokes and of course there was shameless flirting, mostly on J-Hope's part! This boy WILL be the death of me.

"You ready to go?" he asks as the clock strikes 2:30 AM. I sigh before answering. "Yeah, I guess." No.

I stood from the table and was surprised to see J-Hope holding up my leather jacket to help me put it on. "Thanks." I said as I slipped it on. J-Hope moved to get the door when I got a craving. "You know, I think I want a macaroon...or four." I chuckle as I dig in my jacket pocket for my wallet.

The next thing I know, J-Hope has slapped the wallet from my hands and onto the floor. "J-Hope what the fuck?!" I nearly shout at him as he makes a run for the counter.

"Can I have four macaroons please?" I hear J-Hope say to the cashier. "Of course." The man says. "Thanks." J-Hope pulls his wallet and pays for the treats and makes his way over to me.

"Here you go." He hands them to me in a box with an expression of pride on his face. "Thank you." I grit, hiding a smile. "Since when has it ever been that serious?" I ask he holds the door open.

"Since you wouldn't let me pay for your ice cream on a date." He gripes. Holy Tom Cruise.

He thinks this is a date. I haven't even told him I'm not ready to be in a serious relationship yet. I mean it was still a bit late to tell him that, we already lead him on enough. He definitely knows we like him. How do we back off without backing off?

Maybe we don't have to. This guy is gorgeous, generous, caring, talented and gorgeous. Did I say that twice? Oh well, it's true.

Maybe giving this guy a chance won't be so bad. I just hope this doesn't end like it did last time. I pray I don't regret this.

Be cool. BE COOL!

"A date huh?" I question innocently, looking forward, as he follows me down the street in the direction we came.

He realizes his slip up once he catches up with me. He bites his lip and looks at the side walk.

"Uh, ha ha...I don't know, is it?" He said, the most unsure of himself I think I've ever heard him.

"And here I thought you were the one calling all the shots here." I eye him in a naughty way causing him to look away and swallow difficultly.

"I guess not." He suddenly smiles playfully at the sidewalk and stuffs his hands in his pockets, content.

So not the response I was hoping for or expecting. Way to play along J-Hope, now my fun's ruined.

I lead the way back to my hotel and J-Hope and I continue casual conversation, despite our previous topic.

"Well, this is me." I say as we arrive arrive at the entrance of the building. Immediately I notice J-Hope moving closer to me. I don't object.

"I hope we can...do this again sometime." He says not an inch from my face.

I go completely still, preparing myself for what's about to happen. My heart begins to pound in my chest, I can't calm it down.

"Yeah me too." I say gazing up into his stunning brown eyes.

He leans in a smidgen closer and I am closing my eyes. I literally pucker my lips when I hear "Good night, Charlotte." I no longer feel J-Hope's warmth.

I instantly open my eyes to see J-Hope backing away from me with a wide smirk on his face. HUH?!

"What was that?" I have to ask because I'm trying to figure it out myself and can't come to a solid conclusion.

"Oh, that was me calling the shots." He said lazily pointing in my direction, still walking backwards away from me slowly.

My mouth parts and a devastated, audible huff of air passes though. My right brow escalates and my eyes involuntarily narrow. Overall, I now wear an expression that reads:

'Holy fuckshit I've just been beaten at my own game, who knew this motherfucker was THIS smooth?!'

He just smiles brighter and salutes me. "Goodnight Charlotte." he has to raise his voice, as he's farther away and has not stopped moving since he started.

I finally close my mouth and utter in an unstable sound. "Uh...G-Goodnight. J-Hope." He smirks sexily and turns around finally, he disappears into the shadows of San Francisco.

I swallow thickly and look around to make sure no one saw that ordeal, composed myself and proceeded to make my way to my room. On the way I realized something.

It took me over a month to be able to allow my last boyfriend to kiss me. I've known J-Hope all of two days and I was ready to let him just...GO FOR IT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

I take a deep breath in the elevator and stare at nothing in particular.

I so would have let him kiss me.

#j-hope fanfic #suga fanfic #junghoseok #minyoongi #bts #btsfanfiction #AMBW #humour #kpop #sugardaddyj-hope

1 note · View note

artsykunoside-blog · 7 years

Text

Left Alone

My biological dad left my biological mom while I was still inside her womb, and then she sold me to my foster parents for 1,500 (I think; that kind of money was okay in 1996, lol.) right after she had given birth.

Growing up was fine for me until I got to know the truth about my real identity thanks to my cousin who revealed it while we were in a fight. You know we were kids, fights does happen. He said, “Ano bang pakialam mo?! Ampon ka lang naman.” So my curious mind sought answers and I asked my foster mother what’s the meaning of ‘ampon’ she said that she wasn’t my real mother but she treated me like a real son, so as I thought they would.

So I shrugged it all of and then continued living my fun childhood until things got worse.

Year 2007 when things had gone messy, life has ran out of luck. My foster father lost his job in Saudi Arabia, that moment I knew our wealthy life was over, however, I did not pay much attention because hey l was only 11 years old that time. Days went by then slowly they cut the cable (I remember our cable provider that time was Sky Cable), internet, this and that. 2010 my foster father had a stroke, it happened on a very hot afternoon and it was the first day of school, I was in my sophomore year and I had sore eyes too. I was sleeping that time, my sister was in the living room and 6 months pregnant when she saw our father collapsed, she did not care that much because she just thought that father got dizzy until they went to the hospital later that evening and that was the moment when they told me that they had to confine him because he had a mild stroke and they should have brought him sooner (He’s perfectly fine now.) I stopped going to school for a month just to take care of him, I sacrificed my studies just to watch him recover from stroke. I thought that I was a goner because the school almost kicked me out for not going to school for a month.

So, I went back to school after a month, at first it was okay and all until the 3rd quarter of the school year. I experienced bullying from that moment to graduation day. It really made me feel horrible, it was hard to look at myself in front of the mirror nor to act normal because they would laugh at me and make fun of me. I experienced all sorts of bad things - they would throw crumpled papers at me, the friends I thought I had were backstabbing me, being left out, etc. It was a nightmare, sometimes I felt like there was no more enough reason to come to school anymore because I knew for a fact that I would be treated horribly.

My relationship with most people changed in a bad way. I started to doubt everyone I met if their feelings for me were genuine or were they enough to be called as friends.

My foster parents treated me differently. Favoritism, comparing, backstabbing, hatred towards me, hurting me verbally, physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually. I would always get that “Sana naging katulad ka na lang ng ate mo!” “Sana sa UP ka rin nagtapos!” “Sana naging achiever ka katulad ng ate mo!” “Bakit FEU, sana UST man lang o ipinilit mong mag UPCAT para sa UP ka rin!” vibe from them. They would always brag all of the achievements of my sister to our relatives, family friends and it was an indirect approach to me that I was a disappointment to them and I was the blacksheep of the family. My foster father would always say nasty things about me, treat me horribly, there would always be a below the belt moments even though I did not do anything wrong he would bring things up to make me feel bad whether I was around or not, “Baboy ka, tang inang batang iyan!” “Ano ba yan parang kurtina ang mga damit niyan!” “Walang kwenta!” When I tried to defend for myself he would hurt me physically, he threw my sister’s slippers at me and it hit my face, he kicked me in the stomach when I had an argument with his nephew, he pushed the fan and it fell off to me, he chocked me and lastly he almost threw the food that I cooked at me when I wanted to get away from him; I thought my foster mother would side on me but she said, “Hayaan mo na nga iyang gagong iyan!”

My foster mother would always abuse me socially, psychologically and mentally. She would always make me feel bad, disappointed about myself and that I was a complete failure to them. I tried to defend myself from them but they just all laughed at me and she said, “Putang ina mo!”

I even opened up to my sister but she just laughed also and told me that there’s nothing to be compared between me and her. Then she blasted that I was ungrateful for the things they have had given me. That’s the moment I shut things down.

I would always defend myself in a calm manner. I did not want to act like a disrespectful and arrogant child but it always seemed wrong to them that’s why I decided to shut up and never spoke again when tensions arose.

It came to my head that I should hurt myself every time things went bad. I cut my wrists, took slimming pills in one swallow, punches myself and the wall, I even tried to hang myself until now I still do cut my wrists.

Now, I really feel tired, very very tired of all the things that have been happening. I have completely lost it. I just don’t want to care anymore. I am treated differently, I don’t have their flesh and blood in me, I will always be chosen last. I will only make myself a fool if I choose to believe that things might get better eventually. I just want to kill myself, the moment I was brought into this world, I was left alone.

I would not mind if my biological mom would come and pick me up here someday. I would rather be with her and knowing that my biological dad came back for us too.

Sorry, I know there are lots of grammatical errors here, I just wanted to express myself in English. Making this was tough for me, every night I will get nightmares about the bad things that have been happening in my life. I really want to seek professional help but I am afraid. Every day I lose my hope, get more tired, get depressed and anxious. You guys are lucky to have and live fortunate life and have wonderful family - supportive, loving, caring parents, siblings, relatives and friends. Treasure them, be proud to have them, because people like me does not experience to be loved and feel appreciated so kudos to you people who seem to have a fairytale yet living a humble life.

- Cristopher Nathaniel Tanangco

21 years old

Marikina City, Philippines

#depressing tumblr #anxious #bullied #suicde #thoughts

2 notes · View notes

racksley · 7 years

Note

Sometimes I want to be happy for the things you've written but the fact that you're bragging about the age at which you wrote "novels" then you don't deserve credit. You get credit when you don't ask for recognition. Do it for you, not for the posts on tumblr

You’re very much entitled to your own opinion, and I’m glad you feel open enough to share it with me. I have my age in that sentence solely because for me that’s an achievement, a reminder to myself and myself alone that I am young and capable of things that make me proud. Throughout my childhood I went through a lot of situations where I was made to feel I couldn’t do something or accomplish something solely due to my age. The things on my blog are here for myself, not for you nor for anyone else with the mindset to make an assumption on my life and why I do anything. You can take it as bragging if you want and deem that I don’t deserve credit for the endless hours and hard work I put into the things I create, but at the end of the day I only have to be proud of myself. I’m not asking for somebody else to be proud of me for my writing. It took me an extremely long time to get to a point of comfort in myself and in my work, to feel as if I could share any of it. So, for me, I’m happy for myself. You don’t have to be happy for me. I’m not asking you to. I’m extremely thankful for all of the support I’ve gotten on here, because it definitely does make me want to continue writing. But, in all honesty, I’m going to continue writing whether people here support me in it or not. I don’t write for anyone other than myself, and if somebody can relate or if they read something of mine that touches them, then I’m humbled by that.

I hope you have a swell day, and I hope that it’s filled with genuine happiness. Thank you for your message.

#Anonymous

2 notes · View notes

smokeybrandcompositions · 5 years

Text

December 4th

For most of middle school and my freshman year of high school, I kind of had no idea who I was. I lacked confidence in myself and just kind of chased trends. I wasn’t the only one like this, of course, but among my friends, it certainly felt that way. These cats were all motivated. They had goals and proper ambitions. They went out and did things, got girlfriends, etc. And then there were the “cool kids” I knew. Cats who always had the latest Jordans or game system or a decent amount of pocket money. I was just a poor kid from the ghetto, copping off-season jeans from the Ross. That sh*t was infuriating. I thought things would carry on like this forever, the perspective of a teenager, but something happened that changed my perspective on life.

I used to write poetry back in the day. I was pretty good at it, too. Forgive the humble brag, but I’ve won a few awards for it and had a prose or two published. I kept kind of a binder full of these things on me and, during biology class one day, my teacher snatched it up. He read a few aloud, trying to embarrass me but, to my surprise, I didn’t care. I was proud of that work; MY work. When he made a mistake in the delivery of one, I corrected him and read aloud the proper way to recite it. He ran through about five of those things before giving up on embarrassing me. Afterward, cats were genuinely interested in my work. Sure, there were your requisite knuckleheads that just wanted something to tease me about but, surprisingly, the majority of my class were impressed, especially one very special girl.

She and i ended up dating after a while. We hit it off almost instantly.She was from a completely different world than i was and it was surreal visiting with her. This was the first time I could see outside the ghetto and understood that the world didn’t have to end on my block. Her parents were always out of town on business trips so she had this dope ass condo, in the good neighborhood, right down the street from the school, all to herself. My friends adored her and she kind of fit right in with the crew. We would all skip and occasionally go back to her spot to hang out for the afternoon. She and I would disappear to go do our thing and our friends would just get rowdy in the living room or whatever. I, personally, referred when I went over, alone, early in the morning. She’d made us breakfast and we’d do some stuff before school. Or not even make it to school. This girl put me on the Chili Peppers, taught me a ton about computers, and genuinely liked me for me. She was dope as f*ck. Dating her kind of forced me to look at everything from a new perspective. She was incredible and she thought i was dope enough to be with. Tat type of sh*t will gas you up crazy but it didn’t do that for me. I remember sitting on a bench with the crew during lunch, her in my lap, my arms around her waste, looking out across the quad and thinking,

“Why the f*ck do I care what these people think of me? She likes me. My friends like me. I like me. That’s enough.”

I had been chasing what I thought was important, what MTV told me was important, what Nike, Ecko, and every other brand trying to get in my pockets wanted me to believe was important. But, in that moment, sitting there with my lady and my friends, laughing our asses off as we played dominoes, I knew I already had it. None of that other bullsh*t even mattered. This was what was important. I had it the whole time. She was dating me BECAUSE I’m me. I didn’t have to have the Jordans, or a Playstation, or the Mecca jeans, or the Griffey sneakers, or the gratuitous pocket scratch. I just had to be me. My friends were in my corner BECAUSE they liked me. These cats had been rallying with me for years. To this day, we’re all still tight. I wasn’t out here making it rain or cashing dudes off, we were just having fun and being ridiculous. None of the sh*t I thought I needed was important. I was dating one of the dopest chicks in the world, hanging out with some of the dopest cats I know, while being that poor kid from the ghetto. That realization put me on a completely different path. As Jay-Z would say, I got my swag. From that point on, be it high school and beyond, No one could tell me a goddamn thing about who i am.

I love me some me, man, and it took years to get to that point. I earned that. I put in that work to understand how to love myself. I had help along the way. I had support, but I figured it out. My confidence and bravado are genuine, never fake. I carry myself in life like my sh*t don’t stink because it smells like f*cking roses, man. I’ve been called arrogant, conceited, full of myself but all I hear is other people’s problems with the fact they can’t tell me about me. Society wants you to be down on who you are. They want you to apologize for being you. F*ck all of that. Never downplay your worth. It doesn’t matter if people tell you otherwise or try hard to make you feel less than what you are. And what you are is awesome. All it takes is one moment, one epiphany to change your entire life. You just must have the strength to take that inward journey. It might happen randomly or someone will give you a push, but trust me when i say, don’t shy away from that challenge. Take it head on. Put in that work. Be your best self.

0 notes