CPTSD sucks.

How is a member of a minority who suffers from childhood CPTSD, supposed to heal in a society that had an active hand in that chronic trauma? How is anyone able to heal when the verbal and emotional abuse from society continues and the government perpetuates it? Growing up I was told I was a pervert, a degenerate, how shameful I was, how selfish I was for needing to be myself, how my needs were imaginary, that I not only didn't have a right to medical care but that I didn't deserve it, that my parents and society hated me so much they wanted me dead, that I was a monster. Guess what? None of that messaging has changed! My bio mother still blames me for everything she did to me as a child and disowning me, and as far as I can tell, still wants me dead based on the last IM she sent me a few years ago. My sister thinks I'm a manipulative pervert as far as I know as she doesn't speak to me either (gods that hurts more than my mother wanting me dead for some reason) not since my father died and then only to tell me he died and has never introduced me to my niece and nephew, people continue to actively verbally and physically assault trans people, and the government is still trying to kill us in 20+ states thanks to right wing terrorism. How am I supposed to heal in this environment? Is it even possible? I am so tired of fighting for my right to simply exist and live. Just about every trans person I know has their primary goal as: to just survive, and just maybe, just maybe be happy all the while thinking happiness is just a pipe dream. But how is that possible in a society that actively wants you dead? How is it possible when abusing/killing LGBT+ kids is considered normal, fine, and deserved? CPS didn't help me growing up, hell no one ever called them because I deserved the treatment I got. Not even my psychologist who knew what was going on. Because no one thought it was abuse. Telling a child they are shameful, a monster, a sinner, a pervert, that you want them dead, neglecting their medical needs, all of that isn't considered abuse by our society if that child is LGBT+. Over 40% of homeless youth population (something that shouldn't even exist in the supposed richest country in the world, but I'll get into that sometime later) identify as LGBT, when LGBT people make up less than 10% of the general population. 1 out of every 2 trans kids who have unsupportive (i.e. abusive parents) considers suicide. One out of every Two! And that is a complete undercount given the survivor bias of that statistic. And none of it is getting better. It's getting worse. And the suckiest part?! it's the same play book the terrorist always use, whether it's about interracial marriage, LGB rights, or any other minority. Every bigoted statement the terrorists make about those of us in the trans community, are the same ones they made about LGB people, are the same ones they made about interracial marriage. Every single one. But for some bizarre reason people repeatedly buy into it. It's disgusting at best, terrifying at worst. And I'm tired of it, tired of trying to fight against it. Tired of trying to get people to see basic reason, to have basic compassion, empathy, and decency for eachother. Incidentally some of you might take exception to my calling the Far Right wing/Republican party terrorists. But let's look at the definition shall we: Someone who uses violence and intimidation against civilians, usually unlawfully, for political gain/motivation. And these people are terrorizing my community. They have called in bomb threats to schools and hospitals that work to help us survive, and end up traumatizing not only us, but everyone else in those facilities, adults and children alike. They make us scared to leave our homes and go to work. They make us feel like we need our passports and an escape bag, just in case we need to flee the country, and they kill us every single day. So yes. They are terrorists.

I read a quote today that vibes with me so well. There's no hate quite like Christian "love" -- J. Scope. It is the utmost irony that a religion that says it's all about love, espouses the most hate/intolerance in this country for people not like themselves. It is mind boggling to me. The people who are supposed to be the least judgemental, that are supposed to love thy neighbor, and treat others unto how you want to be treated are the ones that are none of those things. And there are a bunch of christians that say "not all christians" which is the same as "not all men". it doesn't matter, the loud ones, the ones everyone hears and sees are the ones espousing hate. All those other supposedly accepting religions were silent when I was growing up, and aren't all that loud now. And to anyone who has experienced hate from others: Silence = condoning that hate, it means you support it, because you allow it to flourish rather than stamping/drowning it out.

At the end of the day, after day, after day, I still don't know how to heal from this trauma when it continues to this day in the society that I live in. Is it any wonder that I continue to wish I was no longer here? That I'm tired of existing and just want to not be? That I don't want to exist anymore? And why is that considered abnormal? I mean it hurts like nothing I've experienced, but aside from that, why? I think it's a pretty reasonable feeling given everything I've been through. I won't act on it, because I know how much it will hurt my best friend in the world and her kids whom I think of as my own. I couldn't do that to them. But it doesn't make this feeling go away. Not when society wants me and my community all dead.

I fully agree with you, if he hasnt walked a mile in another person’s shoes, someone who hasnt had it easy, hasnt lived a life of privileged or had that cushion where he knew if he fucked up he could easily move back with mom and dad, then he has no right to tell people how it is and how its supposed to be based on what he’s read off self help books. Its not like he spent years helping malnourished children in a extremely poor part of the world and went “wow these people with so little still manage to be happy by doing this”, no he bought philosophy for dummies and ran with it.

Personally i think the people that preach the most like he does are trying to convince themselves they are happy, so they go on these rants and spiels trying to convince people it should be like this or that because that is how their life is currently like and because they really aren’t happy. Not to sound like a jerk because i’d kill to have that life where i can be my own boss, follow my own schedule, and my biggest headache is “i need to edit & film” and not “how the fuck am i going to pay rent”, but Sam is over here complaining about editing all the time and how “its starting to feel like work”, yeah im not gonna feel bad for you buddy when you’ve had the means to hire editors and a team, no one told you to disassociate from friends or move and buy A second mansion and just abandon the first one. His issues are rich people problems and for him to have the audacity to say we shouldn’t put all our joy into vacationing!!! When the majority of us cant afford to travel every other week like him is absurd.

The same way Colby gets called out for the littlest things, i WISH someone would call him out and tell him if he feels like ranting to go to a therapist first and then if he still can’t scratch that itch, to actually take the time to get out of his comfort zone and learn about people and society instead of being so generalized with his thinking.

i don't think he would have to go that far to understand struggle. but i do think weirdly he can come across with a lack of empathy. i think he genuinely cares, but i don't think he fully grasps how bad some ppl have it. hell, even i to some extent don't. but bc my lows have been deadly to some extent, i care for those who have struggled more than me, bc i could barely make it thru.

and you nailed it right on the head. i think internally he struggles to find himself, to find things that make him happy, and bc of that, he tries to project this air of "i'm so happy and you can be just like me if you follow along." and it's just… not realistic.

i personally believe that regardless of life circumstance, you can still bitch about how life feels. even they have bad days. my issue is that maybe venting to us isn't the best way to go about it. go vent to your influencer friends who understand you gripe. i will say tho, when they do complain, they also immediately follow it up with "but we don't really have all that much to complain about" so… win some lose some lol

but i do get your point that they could easily hire someone to help take the stress of editing out of their life, but instead don't forever whatever reason bc they want someone they can mold into the perfect editor for them.

side note, and not related to this at all, on xplrclub they talked about how they might be hiring this one editor who's gonna basically do sam's half (or at least help out with that half) and i'm just like…. WHY THAT HALF??? they bitch constantly that they don't want anything flashy that a lot of editors do now-a-days, so clearly they want control on the back end of the editing. why not just hiring someone to cut the video up and make it make sense, and then the two of them can split between the music, subtitles, transitions, ect???? that would be SO much easier. also i basically said at this point they should just hire a fan to edit bc even i at this point could make a video like theirs lol

anyway back to your ask

oh yeah, when he talked about not living for things like vacation and trying to find happiness or positivity in the mundane, i get it. but like…. wrong messenger. you can actually afford a vacation. some of us can't and will never be able to. so like, if we some how miraculously can, shut the fuck up and let me enjoy it sksksks

highkey i would love for snc to both go to a therapist. like, i just know they need one. we all do tbh. but at least they can afford to go to one.

September 14th, 2022 the 2 guys sitting behind me were very loudly talking about how they wish the government reinstated mandatory conscription, the longer the better, how it was a real possibility - "to instill some discipline, right? each generation of men seems more girly than the last." i've spent some time thinking on it. i think that the first thought that this should inspire in anyone present is... ...sincere empathy, pity - you can almost feel it in your bones, the sheer, total cruelty, the aggressive & all-pervasive bleakness of the world that these two men seem to believe - no, know for a fact that they live in… ..then they began talking about how brutal political repression was the good part about communism. the bleakness then became so overwhelming that i had to go back to focusing on my notes. - it's probably not very surprising that my internal ruminations have taken a sharp & decisive turn towards "immediate society/social sphere", seeming as how the semester began at the beginning of the month & i am once again obligated to experience said immediate society every day, continuously. and it just so happens that my thoughts on it aren't very positive. the bad part about this is that, i'm sure it might seem… at least a little concerning to an outsider-looking-in - like i'm a joker-esque figure manically writing down nonsensical posts on how humanity is doomed, reading more like suicide notes than anything else. which is, um… one can hope that's not what's happening, for sure. living my entire life in an oligarchic hellhole that seems like it's actively working towards a future where me & everyone like me is pushed to suicide definitely invites some internal angst, it certainly feels impossible to not circle around it at least a little. but… again, i must continue crawling through it, so i suppose it's all moot... i don't really think i have the privilege of getting all existentially bothered by it too much, even if my body is screaming at me that it certainly is. like a worker on the titanic delivering a soliloquiy about how bad & horrible it is to be a sinking ship, rather than working with what they have & getting something done. maybe what i want is someone to come and save me? that'd be silly. - i tend to feel quite bad & guilty, when… someone is genuinely nice & kind, but they possess this certain sort of alienated quality, where it's clear their self is built around diffuse media representations of how to interpersonally project to other people. this makes conversing with them feel intensely painful & overwhelmingly dysphoric. dysphoric is a phrase i've used a few times now to refer to this phenomenon - and it's certainly a strong term.. incredibly loaded in it's implications. but after turning it over, i really do feel as if that's the best definition of it i could give. an overwhelming instinct telling me to cease & retreat, like being pried out of my own body. there've maybe only been 3 or 4 people who i've met physically that haven't evoked this feeling of alienation, of something being wrong. - it feels like… most people throughout my life - teachers, authority figures, peers etc - tend to talk to me in a tone that's… errr, not necessarily condescending… but it definitely evokes that they take extra precaution & care when talking to me, almost as if so i can understand what they're saying, in comparison to how they talk to others around me. i guess that... even without a diagnosis, everyone can just intuitively infer i got something wrong (does the cartoon cuck-coo swirly-finger gesture next to my head) up here? who knows... - i have not been having a very good time today, to put it very lightly. i am typing this entry through uncertain tears. it'll get better, though. if there's one thing that the spring of 2019 taught me, it's that one should never believe - unless they are absolutely certain, for a fact - that it's ever too late for something. so i shouldn't go believing it, now. i feel like a grieving child, again.

.

It's bothering me more and more, so I'm gonna rant a bit.

Since Samuel Paty's murder there have been weekly articles in French newspapers regarding kids voicing their disagreement in school - most about how this murder was somehow justified, some about how religions shouldn't ever be critized or mocked, and the last title I read was "monkeys aren't our ancestors, Allah created us". Teachers are being threatened, some forced to leave their school because they were doing their job teaching what liberty of speech and secularity mean. I do not know if this reflects an augmentation of those kind of incidents or if their coverage by the media simply increased but. I just. I'm... scared.

Society has been divided for years, but those divisions feel larger by the day. I like to believe that my generation - today's youth - is what I see around me in my everyday life : people who are non-violent, voice any disagreement they have through peaceful protests, actions and debate, who trust science even when they have faith. But my own perspective is far from what reality is. This knowledge is terrifying. Because trusting that those who surround me value empathy and reason as much as I do is what gives me hope. Hope that the future will not be as dark as the what today's world would let us think. How am I supposed to go on if I can't hope anymore?

I try, but the thing is there is no way to count, to quantify, to ration. Those who speak the loudest often are not the most numerous. I can't know what my own generation think as a whole, because I'll only ever meet individuals.

It's scary. I fear extremisms - all of them without exceptions. The world is a complex thing, and extremists only see black and white. They feel but do not reason. Not to say reason primes on feelings - but there's a need for balance. Everything needs balance.

I trust myself because I know how to admit I'm wrong. I know how to be confident and voice my opinions without letting those opinions become immutable: I know that I could be at least partially wrong, that I am a person and therefore flawed, thus it is only reasonable to allow my opinions to evolve.

There's nothing scarier than someone beyond reason ; someone so convinced they are right that no criticism could ever sway them. They are unreachable, except mabye through manipulation, something "good" people are more than reluctant to do.

And it is a very human trait, to be convinced we are right. The problem arises when critic of what you think you know feels like an attack. It shouldn't. You can feel annoyed by stupidity and ignorance, tired, resentful, but never angry or vengeful. Attacking ideas is not attacking a person. It's questioning the reasoning or morals. You shouldn't feel attacked by someone simply trying to exercise their critical thought, even when they are terrible at it.

People are free to think - they always will be. You cannot deny it to someone. History is full of people who died for their ideas. People have always questioned what is believed and what is known. They always will. Never, will you kill them all because every child is born curious. Similarly, we will never eradicate extremisms, because people long for simple things.

But if today can tell you anything, it's that the world, and people, are complex. From where I stand, it's evident that no simple explanation can describe it all.

Please know that you are flawed as are all humans, that reality is infinitely complex, and thus mathematically speaking there must be among your thoughts and beliefs at least on point where not entirely right.

Please, think, and do not be scared to doubt. Learn critical thinking, how to check sources, use multiple references, listen to your opponents and look for the information supporting their point of view. Listen to people with a similar view to yours explain this information differently. I know it's a lot, that we don't have the time - but just a bit, just sometimes is enough.

Please don't lock yourself out. There are no "us and them" ; there's me, you, that one and this other one, and thousands of shades in between.

I've seen nice people, I've met them. Kindness exists. Be kind too.

Tomi Adeyemi wants to wrap her readers in a “dangerous but warm” blanket. Her young adult novels—the hit epic Children of Blood and Bone and its highly anticipated new sequel, Children of Virtue and Vengeance—combine escapist fantasy with clear-eyed confrontations of race and power. “I was thinking: you’re creating a Snuggie,” the Nigerian-American author tells TIME. “It’s a violent Snuggie, but create the Snuggie.”

Adeyemi’s first book, which came out in 2018 and has spent 90 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list, transports readers to the kingdom of Orïsha, where teenager Zélie Adebola is determined to bring magic back to her oppressed people. In the novel inspired by West Africa, Adeyemi’s protagonist teams up with a rogue princess to help fight the monarchy, which mercilessly wiped out magic years before in order to gain more power. In the sequel, Zélie discovers that the progress that she made in the first book has complicated ramifications, leading the kingdom toward a brutal civil war. Both novels are bruising accounts of unthinkable violence and persecution, evocative of bigger, real-world conversations about suffering and survival.

Children of Virtue and Vengeance is the second book in Adeyemi’s fantasy trilogy, which was part of a reported seven-figure deal that the Harvard graduate signed in 2017. The film rights for Children of Blood and Bone were acquired by Fox 2000 before the book’s release and over the summer This is Us writer Kay Oyegun signed on to write the script. Adeyemi spoke to TIME about how the past three years have changed her life, her dream cast for the movie and what she hopes her young readers come to understand about the world through her books.

TIME: In your author’s note at the end of Children of Blood and Bone, you explicitly explain how the plot connects to police brutality in America. What do you hope your readers learn about racism and power from your writing?

The whole thing started out as me wanting to explore the emotional PTSD of feeling like maybe I’m not Trayvon Martin, maybe I’m not Sandra Bland, but there’s nothing that separates me from being Sandra Bland. I felt like that wasn’t being talked about, even within black communities. So, I had to write about it as self-therapy. Because I was having anxiety attacks every time I was getting into my car and that’s every day. It was sort of making people realize that this stuff—constantly being exposed to people like me being shot, being assaulted, being harassed, being put at gunpoint—is trauma.

So, that’s book one. I wanted people to empathize. Many of these issues come from dehumanization and a lot of dehumanization is a direct result of no-to-poor representation. If your only exposure to a person of color is as the villain in this or that, then psychologically that is activated when you are doing something with a person of color. I had a friend say, “What if Harry Potter had been black?” If the Boy Who Lived was black, then does Trayvon Martin get shot? Because that’s someone you empathize with. Fought for. Cried for. Someone you feel like you’ve gone into battle with. And that extends to the person you see and say, “Oh, that guy looks like Harry.” Humans are that simple.

For book two, I created my dominoes and I’ve just got to throw them and see where they land. It was more organic to the story, but what I was exploring, again, are things that real people have gone through—that they are going through today, that they will go through all the time. My books are about pain, but hopefully foster empathy.

Children of Virtue and Vengeance begins with an unexpected twist. Though Zélie has restored magic to the oppressed people of Orïsha, the monarchy and military now have magical powers, too. Why was it important to you to show people who abuse their power gaining even more?

It’s in two parts: one is a life lesson and one is a lesson about society. The life lesson is we always have goals—which are important because they add a purpose to our lives—but when you achieve a goal, it’s never quite what you expect. It’s also a commentary on the nature of power in general. The older I get, the more I learn about the world and its institutions. There are entire systems built on oppression and class. There are things you will probably never get enough wealth and power to topple. But what I believe you can do is move the needle. If you look in the book, you can get magic back—but the problem wasn’t really magic. It was the institution. Because even when you had magic, you were oppressed. Now, you have magic again and guess what? You’re still oppressed. It’s about learning that these are institutions that are very hard to completely overthrow—but that doesn’t mean you can’t make great change.

How do you find that fantasy and magic can help us understand our reality?

I wrote stories without magic as a kid, and then I read my first Harry Potter book and I never went back. If you could do anything in a book—and this is not a knock on contemporary writers, it’s just for me, personally—I don’t want to write about that awkward first kiss. Let’s go! Am I shooting lightning out of my forehead when I blink? You can do anything. I just always loved magic, fantasy and adventure. Growing up, I appreciated the psychological power of fantasy, but I didn’t go into it as this powerful tool to effect change and make people think. I’m like, “I like big lions!” Sometimes, it’s deep. Sometimes, it’s “lions are cool.”

Why do you write for young people?

I don’t change my writing style or plot. The only part of my work that I change because I am labeled as a young adult author is making sure that everything in my book is a clear example of something good or something bad. Let me eliminate the gray area. Writing for younger audiences doesn’t mean it has to be all good or all clean. It does a huge disservice to pretend that childhood means that you get a pass on trauma. A lot of trauma, I think, happens in childhood and then gets carried into adulthood. Then, that trauma creates trauma. So, you’ve got to both address it and heal it—early.

But I have to be really clear about what’s good and what’s bad. For a scene where things get romantic, I take alcohol out of the equation because I’m not trying to give an example of a gray zone of consent. This is supposed to be a positive example of two consenting people making a choice. Those are the kinds of decisions that I’ll change because it’s YA, but my readers are 8 to 80. So much YA crosses over; they are really exciting stories on the surface, and then underneath the best ones have such incredible things to say about the world. YA readers are also the most passionate readers. Look, I’ve talked about Harry Potter 18 times today. If you love something when you are young, that’s a part of you forever. Those stories are always in that warm, fuzzy part of your heart that the world tries to freeze over. To get to be that for so many young readers, to get to see their passion and enthusiasm and creativity, it’s the best.

Do you know how the trilogy will end?

I knew the ending before I even hit book one. I’ve been excited to write book three.

Are you in the process of writing it?

Hell no. It’s been three years, back to back. Even before I got my book deal, I wrote the first draft of Children of Blood and Bone in a month, then I wrote the second draft in a month and I did it that fast because I wanted to get into a writing competition. I kept thinking there was going to be a break in the process, but it only accelerated from that impossible speed to publication and book two went even further. So, I’m healing right now. I’m learning to sleep. I’m learning to wake up.

How have the last three years changed you?

I was a baby adult when I got into this. Now, I feel like a 60-year-old woman. I’m less self-conscious. I’m like, this what I need and I’m not asking your permission, I’m just letting you know. It’s a different energy. It’s a different swagger. But I like this version of myself. She wasn’t always there—she was forged through incredible pain and suffering, but she’s here. And she’s ready to go.

In 2017, it was announced that Children of Blood and Bone will be adapted for film. What has that process been like for you?

It’s been really cool because it’s with Disney/Fox and Lucas Films. It’s been three years and even though the team has shifted and grown, just to have so many people at the top of their game so passionate and excited and enthusiastic about bringing my world [to the screen], it’s ridiculous. I made that world up in my head, in my room, super sweaty, my hair looked like crazy, I was in my pajamas. I’m like, this is going to be that? It’s really wild.

Do you have a dream cast in mind?

I used to have a dream cast and then Black Panther came out. I was so in love with Letitia Wright and Winston Duke. How cool is it going to be to put more incredible black actors and actresses on the scene? To make roles this epic, this powerful—like Jennifer Lawrence, obviously she had Winter’s Bone, but we got her from The Hunger Games. It’s very cool that I mic-dropped this as my calling card and now this is going to be so many other people’s calling cards. The only person—and I’m comfortable doing this because he was on my Pinterest Board from the jump and I’ve mentioned this enough that at this point if it doesn’t happen, you do what you can—for King Saran in Book One, I had pictures of Idris Elba. And every time I was writing a scene with him, I pictured Idris Elba to really get my head into how scary it was to be near him.

i would love to hear abt your rococo lll

Oh my gosh, you lovely human, settle in. This production is my Ultimate Theater Pipe Dream and I apologize in advance for how little chill I’m going to have as I explain it. 

Are you ready? 

I want to start with my standard disclaimer: I am a theater artist, not a literary critic or a historian. When I’m directing a play, I extract fragments of lit crit and historical fact as I need them and leave the rest on the buffet line. This LLL in particular requires me to play fast and loose with history, so be prepared for a truckload of anachronisms. They make the vision work!

So, with that…

The sad Catch-22 of my Rococo LLL is that no theater will ever put it up:  a smaller, indie, risk-taking theater wouldn’t be able to afford the astronomical production costs of casting the 20 actors I need, to say nothing of building opulent sets and period-accurate costumes that imitate the royal courts of the late 18th century; conversely, a large, well-funded, regional theater wouldn’t be able to justify funding a 2.5-hour Shakespeare retelling that turns one of his most sparkling comedies into a dark, violent allegory about the French Revolution and casts young, privileged, light-skinned European elites as the tragic heroes brought low by proletariat Jacobean reform. Even as I type these words, I realize how irresponsible an investment that would be. My Rococo LLL is not the kind of classical theater we need in America right now. It is retrograde in terms of diversity, equity, accessibility, and social justice. It probably says something terrible about me that I even dreamt it up in the first place.

And yet.

I want to direct this production so badly it feels like I’ve swallowed a piece of the sun. If I had all the proper resources (time, money, venue, artists, designers, marketing, etc.), I would do it tomorrow. It’s my baby.

Here’s a blurb that kind of nutshells it all together:

July 1789. King Charles VI of Navarre has died, leaving his son, young Ferdinand III, to take the throne. On a tide of Enlightenment idealism, King Ferdinand commissions his three best friends to join him for a period of ascetic study at the court of Navarre. The rules are simple: no luxuries, no alcohol, and no women. For three long years.

The boys’ oath is immediately put to the test when four young ladies arrive in Navarre on a diplomatic mission from Versailles. Led by the spirited Duchess d’Albret, the Frenchwomen and their mile-high coiffures prove irresistible to the King and his companions. With the help of a motley band of scholars and servants, they set out to woo the Duchess and her friends. But when sober news arrives from Paris, will young love be enough to rewrite history?

Set against the glittering backdrop of the last golden days of the ancien regime, this bold reimagining of Shakespeare’s beloved comedy invites us to look at the most famous revolution in Western history through the eyes of the young elites who learned the truth about privilege just a moment too late.

Of all the radical things I want to do with this production, the thing that would probably cause the most controversy (and earn me a reputation for being a narcissistic, pessimistic, Shakespeare-desecrating hack) is my addition of a prologue set in Paris in June 1793. I could try to sum it up here, but honestly I think it would be a lot more effective and comprehensive just to post the excerpt from my script:

…etc.

So basically, half my audience will vomit due to the unexpected onslaught of blood, gore, and violence…and the other half will vomit from the sheer anti-progressivism of the show’s politics. And I don’t blame anyone who finds fault with this production concept. On a political level, I find fault with it. Arguably the last thing our society needs right now is a Shakespeare production that paints young, pale, overprivileged trust fund babies as the poor, helpless victims of a liberal-led revolution for social equality. 

But at the same time, I can’t help but think that the entire point of Love’s Labour’s Lost is to make us look hard at our own privilege and ego, and weigh those things that seem sooo valuable against the true gifts of love, empathy, friendship, generosity, and kindness. 

“This is not generous, not gentle, not humble!” Holofernes cries as the Crazy Eight—high on adrenaline and their own cruel wit—jeer him off the stage during his performance as Judas Maccabeus in 5.2. More than any other, this moment epitomizes the value of setting LLL in a sex-charged, champagne-fueled, pastry-laden, cream-filled, lace-drenched, satin-covered, feather-topped, Rococo landscape. There’s no way in hell the audience is meant to sympathize with the insult-flinging prep school Kens and Barbies when they humiliate Holofernes to the point of tears. Shakespeare is way too smart for that. In the final whimsical moments before the messenger Marcadé comes onstage, laden with the news that is going to change the entire genre of the play, the Bard turns a critical spotlight on the young people we’ve been rooting for since Act One, Scene One and invites us to view them—for the first time, really—through the lens of the hardworking, lesser-privileged plebs of Navarre. The portrait is revolting. However witty, cultured, and elegant the courtiers might seem, they clearly have a lot more homework to do. Marcadé’s arrival a few short lines later is the final test of their youthful ego. Is being clever worth the price of experiencing love? Is love worth the price of responsibility? Is she brave enough to admit that she’s scared to take up the mantle? Is he brave enough to give up the one person who matters for the sake of the people he once mocked, the people he now must lead?

I don’t believe the Navarre Nerds and Les Filles have survived the centuries because they end the play as sharp-tongued, entitled, and self-absorbed as they behave at the start. We wouldn’t still be making and remaking this play if the protagonists were so static. I think the young people of LLL resonate with us—or, at least, they resonate with me—because in the course of Shakespeare’s plotless little play they grow up right before our eyes. King Ferdinand learns that he can’t bury his head in his books and ignore the responsibility of ruling when he watches the love of his life choose duty to her country over the desires of her own heart. The Princess learns that the cost of being the cleverest person is human connection when she finds herself laughing alongside Ferdinand at the antics of the Nine Worthies and somehow feels happier than she ever did when she was mocking him into the earth. Berowne learns that love wins every argument: against wit, against intellect, against bachelorhood, against willpower itself. Rosaline learns that love is strength, not weakness, and that she is stronger when she allows herself to feel. Dumaine learns that love demands vulnerability. Katherine learns that love is not a game. Longaville learns that love thrives on honesty. Maria learns that love takes courage. When the Crazy Eight say their heartbreaking goodbyes at the end of 5.2, they no longer care about sounding smart or superior; in fact, they speak against their own intelligence. The erudite Ferdinand trips over his words, the cynical Berowne invokes romantic idealism, the boastful Dumaine speaks with humility, the shy Longaville puts all his cards on the table. The women are no less altered. I don’t want to fall into the trap of ascribing an easy, one-size-fits-all moral maxim to LLL, but what else are we supposed to take away from this play if not the fact that we fucking owe it to ourselves as a species to set aside our stupid pride and say, “I love you,” when we feel it because we never know when time is going to run out? What else are we supposed to feel if not pride in these young people for choosing to step up and take responsibility when they hear news that the world outside is ending? That there may be no world left? Les Filles go with their Queen. The Nerds rally around their King. They choose fidelity to their respective kingdoms over the indulgence of love. But they also learn to value love for what it is, and to call it by name…even if that love can only last for a few fleeting seconds:

“If this or more than this I would deny,To flatter up these powers of mine with rest,The sudden hand of death close up mine eye.Hence ever, then, my heart is in thy breast.”

(King Ferdinand, V.ii)

As the Crazy Eight grapple in real time with the consequences of Marcadé’s message and what it means for their role as leaders in society, Rosaline gives Berowne a task to complete in their year apart that practically hums with poetic intelligence. Her lines are so iconic, we still quote them colloquially today:

BEROWNETo move wild laughter in the throat of death?It cannot be, it is impossible.Mirth cannot move a soul in agony.

ROSALINEWhy, that’s the way to choke a gibing spirit,Whose influence is begot of that loose graceWhich shallow laughing hearers give to fools.A jest’s prosperity lies in the earOf him that hears it, never in the tongueOf him that makes it. Then, if sickly ears,Deafed with the clamors of their own dear groans,Will hear your idle scorns, continue then,And I will have you and that fault withal.But if they will not, throw away that spiritAnd I shall find you empty of that fault,Right joyful of your reformation.

(V.ii)

I think this is the moment when I would start crying if I ever watched my Rococo LLL performed live. Because of all les Filles, I think Rosaline is the only one who knows that by choosing to accompany the Duchess back to Versailles at the end of LLL, she is effectively signing her death warrant. The Jacobeans and sans-cullottes are not going to want young, eligible, Catholic Rococo princesses wafting around their new, secular state. The guillotine may not yet exist in the summer of 1789, but the there is a thirst for blood and Rosaline can smell it. And now Bastille has fallen. Paris is on fire. King Louis XVI has months to live. The world will never be the same. Rosaline’s once-ordered, once-gilded country is careening into a bloody nightmare of soured ideals and ruthless social weeding, and even though she can’t see the future, she can read men like books. Even Berowne. Even the charismatic nihilist who earned a bachelor’s degree in bachelorhood and tried to hide his heart under a bushel. She can read him and she can save him. They can’t kill her husband if she doesn’t have one. 

Rococo LLL? I don’t know. It’s a pipe dream. 

But can’t you picture it? 

Tagging my girls @harry-leroy @suits-of-woe @lizbennett2013 @dedraconesilet @exeunt-pursued-by-a-bear @henriadical in case anyone is interested :)

Thanks a million for one of my favorite asks ever! Happy holidays, friend!!

xx Claire

COVID-19 Crisis Brings Fourth Mental Instability For Essential Workers, Students & Parents!

Essential workers are forced to fight a silent battle within themselves as well as the world each day. The struggle of providing for their families while working extremely hard to protect themselves from the unknown has played a major part within their mental health that has been downplayed by heavily down played by society.

“The world is completely different now, it’s unpredictable, scary and everything is just overall uncertain. The saddest part of it all is the fact that we are expected to keep going. People are dying each day at a rapid rate and the most talked about subject is how are we going to pay our bills. It’s heart breaking. I am honestly scared for my life each day,’ states Bronx Lebanon medical assistant Cynthia Watson.

" When news of the pandemic first began to circulate within the hospital, I immediately contacted my supervisor with my personal concerns of how the virus could potentially change the dynamic of things, ‘Cynthia recalls. “Ranging from our day to day tasks and how that would be null and void if they thing potentially escalated. I recall his words plain as day, he looked at me with no remorse or urgency and said 'if you want to get paid you must work, if not quit.' Now when that conversation originally took place thing weren't nearly as worst as they are now, but the lack of attentiveness and empathy shown indicated to me that this is what it's going to be in the long run anyway.”

“My anxiety hasn’t ever been this bad. As humans we already have our everyday ordinary worries but to add a deadly virus that is sweeping the world away within each turn is horrifically gut wrenching. My mind feels as if it’s slowly exploding,” states Costco department supervisor Landon Gregory.

He continues, ‘oddly enough each day I deal with hundreds to thousands of customers whose main concern is skipping lines to shop for hours buying food that would take them years to finish. I deal with customers who are on edge before they reach the premises and lash out every chance they get at towards me and my employees. I am expected to handle these situations with a brave face each and every day.”

As weeks progress and the virus continues to spread, Essential workers are becoming more vocal upon the mental, physical and emotional difficulties they are facing. According to CNBC news, 60% of essential workers feel as if their mental stability is being compromised without care as employers have identified mental health services as a non-ethical obligation also known as a bottom line issue.

'Within the retail spectrum of things were not dealing with the general public as in customers but also with other businesses, organizations and vendors. With that comes a lot of stress and issues, directly derived from communication issues. Throughout this entire situation I have had to deescalate issues between vendors more than I’ve ever had to do within my career. Which is obviously a task within itself because neither of these people work for me, so what am I supposed to

do?’

Organizational psychologist Cathleen Soddy of Thrive Leadership states, ““Employers who want to retain their employees and want them to focus and to be well need to take care of them in their time of need. These things spiral. The stressors build up, especially if someone has preexisting tendencies to lean in that direction. This can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Then it’s an additional health issue that impacts the immune system. They’re less likely to exercise or take care of themselves and more susceptible to the virus.”

“Employers are more interested in upping our pay before they even think of worrying about the wellbeing of their workers. It’s disgusting, but we have no choice so we ultimately make do, “state US Postal worker Pete Triune, 32.

“My facility alone has contracted over 10 cases within the last 30 days. I have a one-year-old at home with a sensitive and premature immune system, “explains Pete. However, I am also her sole provider, my decision to work or not to work comes with major consequences and blowbacks. I cannot even afford to think of taking time off. But that does not mean that I don’t worry everyday if I have the potential of ultimately passing the virus onto my baby or dying from it and leaving her to fend for herself.”

Students have also been forced to face deep rooted issues on their own due to the transition between physical school settings and remote learning.

“It’s insane. I can’t think of any other words to explain It. My home life is different from my professional and education life so the fact that I have to mesh all three together at this time is just insane. It’s a lot. Renee Brown,27 students at Mercy College states. “Especially for a single parent with more than one child. I feel like I am drowning while trying to hold everything together. As much as I need the money for my family and to stay on top of my bills I have decided to stay home. I am missing out on pay and I’m fine with that because my children will benefit more with me being home than six feet underground.”

Online programs have been created at an increasing in places like Canada to help essential workers and everyday citizens cope with the pandemic. "We know that as this pandemic continues -- and it does appear that it will continue for some time -- that people's needs are going to increase, if anything, and so the available free immediately available online resources is critical,” stated Mental Health Commission Board President Louise Bradley. She continues by stating "This is something that has taken a toll on each and every one of us in terms of our own mental health. There's virtually nobody who has not been impacted by this." 

Sources

-Mercy College Student and C-Town supermarket employeeRenee Gregory, 21

-US Postal worker Pete Triune, 32

-Costco department supervisor Landon Brown 28

- Bronx Lebanon medical assistant Cynthia Watson, 52.

- https://www.cnbc.com/2020/04/06/coronavirus-is-taking-a-toll-on-workers-mental-health-across-america.html

https://www.ctvnews.ca/health/coronavirus/mental-health-commission-launches-free-mental-health-tools-for-essential-workers-1.4916255

Anger

I can’t remember the last time I was angry!

This isn’t like, a ‘oh look at me I’m mature because I don’t get upset’ thing - actually, the opposite. I get annoyed, I can be frustrated, but I don’t get angry. I feel kind of disjointed from my feelings because I don’t get angry. The other day I thought, are there topics that I would argue about? That I am passionate about that I would take a stand on? I’m not sure. Yeah I’m pretty conflict avoidant, but generally I don’t think I have strong convictions and passions. I don’t think I’m interesting. I talked about my big cry on Spider on Thanksgiving night. I held her hand and she silently reassured me that healing is painful and that she wouldn’t judge me. I glanced at her a few times but avoided eye contact whenever I tried to speak. I teared up. I said I didn’t know how to be a more interesting person. That I felt like I didn’t really have a personality because every part of me felt, bland? Milquetoast? I don’t think that a person has to be able to get angry in order to be interesting - I think it’s just a symptom of a larger issue.

I can’t think of anybody I personally hate, either. Sure, I hate general things, people who invalidate and hurt others, who think of others as lesser humans than themselves. Personally? The people who have all hurt me, who I probably deserve to hate - I can’t really bring myself to hate a single one. There’s obviously the big ones, my parents - and I spend more time forgiving and worrying about them than I do loving myself, which isn’t always fair to me. There have been people in my life that are no longer in my life, that it does not matter to hate. That I could hate. That I, by many rights, should hate. But that I don’t.

Sometimes we feel like there’s a weird fairness in the world. Well - we do our best to think that the world is fair because without it things feel a little hopeless, sometimes. I’m actually very of the firm opinion that you are not expected to like everyone. Often, talking to friends I’ll hear “I don’t really like them...it’s not fair to them, but--” and it’s like no stop! Stop there. You’re allowed to feel what you feel. You owe no duty of fairness to anyone. I could meet someone and decide I don’t like them for small petty reasons and that would be OKAY. Because I don’t really have a duty to like them. And sometimes, people just don’t get along. That’s fine. So I know that I don’t feel like I have an obligation not to hate people - except for my parents, which is a complicated matter.

That’s not to say I think that I SHOULD hate these people, either. I’ve moved on past them. I might not have fully healed from hurt, but I’m done with thinking about them as people. You know what they say - resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. I’m just pointing out that of all the valid opportunities and reasons to be angry, I just...am not.

Part of that is it’s an abuse thing. The first thing you learn is that your emotions aren’t valid. Anger is a useful tool. It tells us when injustices are being committed against us, or others, and it tells us that something isn’t right. It’s a self-defense of the ego. (This is also why anger is an easily intoxicating emotion.) And so in emotionally abusive situations, feelings of standing up for yourself are some of the first things to go out the window. Maybe it’s still an abuse thing. Anger, though an uncomfortable emotion, is part of love sometimes. Despite my relationship with my parents, I’m not of the opinion that we owe forgiveness to the people who have hurt us. You can make peace with what happened to you and never forgive them. Sometimes, anger is our way of loving ourselves enough to know that what happened wasn’t right.

I still get angry when I think about the state of politics, of the empathy problem in society, and a lot of things. For the briefest of moments, temporarily, when a loved one broke down about the things that had happened in their past - I was furious, at what they had gone through, at anyone who had done or would ever wish them ill. But still, ultimately the anger is focused on injustices towards others, and not myself. I guess that does ultimately mean that I still have a ways to go as far as treasuring myself enough to allow myself negative emotions on my behalf.

When I am doing that maladaptive daydreaming thing, where I just pace around my apartment for hours and construct scenes and characters for stories or novels or just pure wish fulfillment, anger plays a bigger role. Part of that is that conflict is more interesting, and part of that is in these wish fulfillments, I could be a confident, strong enough person to stand up for things, to get angry on my own behalf. Because I feel like I’d be more interesting as a person if I respected myself as one too. But I think it’s a step in the right direction. Knowing this and thinking about it often mean that it’s something I recognize and am working on. To know that I’m deserving of anger.

This was supposed to be a very short post but somehow ended over seven paragraphs long, so - sorry! Thanks for reading, as always.

Empire State of Mind

Sometimes darkness comes in the form of exhaustion, insomnia and small spaces with low lighting. It comes with being surrounded by thousands daily on your commute and feeling the most alone you've felt in such a long time. 

And by you, I mean, me. 

Small amounts of darkness that trickle through mostly well lit areas. Causing the fear that past depression experiences will take over the transition I am currently in. 

Patience.

I wait. I am strong. I have family, friends, and support. I am loved, missed and wanted. I am appreciated. I am grateful. I am humbled. 

Anxiety, depression, and darkness does not care for gratitude. It thrives on those little chemical thoughts of fear and the lowest part of the struggle. It is the back and forth of guilt and shame. It’s the back and forth of figuring out the difference between the two and thinking I ‘should’ know. 

It’s the knowing that I ‘shouldn't’ use the word ‘should.’

It’s the comparison that kills the creative sparks and joy in being a creative. It’s the realization that I am a cliché. It’s the realization that my lovely little cacti city and home did not prepare me for the culture shock of areas in my own country. It’s trying not to be #yesallmen over #metoo.  I love you B. 

“Woke” on the West Coast is certainly different from “woke” on the East Coast. Race. Religion. Gender. Sex. Diversity. I have so much more to learn. 

Mindful.

Thoughts upon thoughts. Written down on morning pages. The guilt for not doing my morning pages everyday. Satisfaction for when they do get done. The shame over not using the tools I know that I know how to utilize. Gratefulness for when I do use them.

Not good enough. Not authentic enough. Not talented enough. Not woke enough. Not Eco-Friendly enough. Not Mexican enough. Not white enough. Not Political enough. Not active enough. 

Enough. 

Morningside in West Harlem is a gorgeous place to live. Lower East Side is a fun ass place to work. Trains ‘D’ & ‘A’ are the quickest. The ‘1′ train is safer after 2am but takes longer. Did you know pepper spray can only be bought in the city with a license? You can not ship mace to NYC.  

I’m currently on that New York Diet: A third floor walk up, walking commutes, bagel & Lox... oh and coffee. Lots of coffee. No one said it was a healthy diet. 

Pizza rat. It’s a thing. Summer in the subway is truly hell but City Mappers is a god send. Reading on the train helps avoid eye contact with unwanted interactions while also giving time to finally finishing a book for once. “Fuck Politeness!”-MFM. 

Sharing a Lyft with a stranger saves you money and can be the most quiet commute of your life. Brooklyn is the hip and artsy place to be. Gentrification. It’s a thing-Harlem is “Up and Coming.” Astoria is the safest. Chelsea for the galleries. High Art vs. Low Art. Avoid Time Square in every way possible.  A jog in central park. Thoughts of Korey Wise, Kevin Richardson, Antron McCray, Yusef Salaam, and Raymond Santana. Thoughts of Trisha Meili. Thoughts of those who've jogged these paths before me and the history I have yet to know. 

New York based sitcoms and shows are relatable AF but will never truly capture the heart and soul of the city. AND, one hundred percent, won't tell you the truth about New York apartments and boroughs... Hannah Horvath lied to us all millennial non-New Yorkers. Hashtag white privilege. 

I think Abbi and Ilana speak the closest truth. Maybe. Yass Kweeeen! 

I’d be down for a more diverse New Yorker show... Just sayin.’ 

I’d be down for more diverse shows in general... Also, just sayin’

Beauty. Essex. Delancey. F,M, and J Trains. Champagne brunch. Live saxophones. Go-go dancers. “Any Allergies or any dietary restrictions?” Darwinism? L.E.S. (That's short for Lower East Side-New Yorkers love their acronyms.) “Put a pep in your fucking step!” Being in the weeds at a top restaurant in NYC is no where near being in the weeds at a mom and pop. Family meal is questionable today. And tomorrow. 

“Ryan, are you like my ‘Simone?’” The book Sweet Bitter is relatable in more ways than one. I love my day job. Grateful for sobriety. Grateful for Sobriety in L.E.S. My younger self in NYC would have been a shit show. I was a shit show. There are other people in NYC that are sober! Who’d-a thought! P.S. Sobriety doesn't mean greens are off the table. Why isn't it legal here yet? Progressive much, New York? I love sleep.

Dog walkers are honestly, truly the best sight to see. My heart. It grows. Every time.

“You work hard for the American dream?”

Far Rockaway Beach isn’t really that far. Take the ‘A’ for a quick getaway. "You’re from Jersey City?” Googles: “Where is Jersey City?” Amtrak gets you to New Hampshire in five hours. A five hour work day on the train is sometimes better than two hours in some coffee shops in Manhattan. NH is beautiful in the summer. Cooler. In-person friendship is beautiful for the soul.  Ponds are the size of lakes. I’m from the desert, how am I suppose to know the difference? New England is patriotic As Fuck. Can’t wait to see the fall foliage. Apparently it is definitely a thing.

Rejuvenation.

Note to self: A quick trip out of the city is required for mental hygiene. A dose of nature, occasional hugs, and laughter is highly recommended for future survival in the concrete jungle. 

Hopeful.

My ducks are in a row. My planner is filling up with hope. My hustle is real. Society of Illustrators hasn't changed since my visit in 2015. My personal projects are visualizing, slowly but surely. Asana and Ink & Volt keep me organized. Being vulnerable has helped me start connecting. Connections help motivate. Motivation keeps me creating. But, like, also... Sometimes you just gotta fucking do it. 

Belonging.

Naive at thirty-three. The city has made me see how young I must seem to others. My reactions and the way I think. The experiences I thought gave me a proper age have proven that I still have more to explore. I feel nerdy. I feel out of place. I feel like an outsider. I feel young. I feel like I don’t belong. Sometimes. And then I do. Then I feel at home. 

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” -Brené Brown

In the moment of loss, I found the way to find self-acceptance, again. It’s a journey. Didn’t they tell you? Transitions are funny that way. They question who you are and why this change was so important even when you thought you already knew all the answers.

Cacti, Love and Gratitude.

Therapy. “Scheduling before shit hits the fan?” Woah, that sounds way too healthy. “But, you’re right. Wednesday session, three weeks from now?” 

I have a day job. I have a roof over my head. I have reactivated the reason I travelled across country to be in a city that tells it like it is and has a lot of rats to race. It’s gonna be almost three months. Apparently, I am right on schedule.

I am the cliché. 

The little light I do have that seeps through the one window in my closet sized room that faces another wall, surprisingly, now gives me hope. This first New Yorker’s apartment with four other roommates has finally shown it’s charm. Or maybe I have lightened up to see what charm it had all along. 

-A

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” -Brené Brown

My feelings after the election results.

Someone sent this to me via WhatsApp and I think it's especially true.

I, and all the other “libtards”, are wrong. Insanely, hilariously wrong. We vote for the leaders we want and our leaders are representative of who we as a nation are. The glorious illusion that we are a secular nation that respects diversity and cares for all it’s citizens equally has been finally shattered; not with a hammer or a sickle, but with a lotus. This election was not about development or jobs or “achche din”. This election was the true test of who we as a nation wanted to be – a secular, multicultural, pluralistic nation or a Hindutva one. And we chose the latter.

In hindsight it seems rather obvious. The founders of independent India and the architects of our constitution laid the foundations of a secular society, not based on any reality, but on a hope and a prayer. In our 5000+ year old history we were always a divided nation, cobbled together by the thinnest of excuses – either external rulers or fighting against external rulers. Behind the veneer of secularism and tolerance, divisions always ran deep. Race, caste, class, religion, gender – we’ve always found old, and then new and innovative ways (cow protection!), for an “us” vs. “them” narrative.

In all my years abroad, my favourite expression in describing India to those unfamiliar with the nation was – “India is like a European Union that works!” I’m not sure that description is accurate anymore. The truth is that India is a loose coalition of tribes that owe their allegiance to their tribe first and the fiction of a nation much later. Unlike in Europe (and the US), the John Locke - Montesquieu values that underpin how a society works and views its citizens are not natural to India. The values of Liberté, Egalité, Fraternité are an imported value system, developed by our western educated founding leaders. It was bound to fail as it found little true traction among the people it was supposed to guide. It’s a miracle that secularism lasted as long as it did, but like every other non-indigenous system the failure was bound to happen. And these election results are the final death knell of that imported value system.

Over the last year or two, the so-called educated defenders of this government had been using the government’s “track record of getting things done”, “GDP growth rate”, “anti-corruption” and “strength in border security” as arguments for voting for them despite absolutely overwhelming independent evidence to the contrary! And I’ve been having rational arguments with them, sending data/information/links to convince them that’s not the case. I was trying to counter ignorance with information. And I was failing. You can counter ignorance with information, but how do you counter wilful ignorance?

But even for a moment, assuming that I am wrong, and their specious argument that this government can do a lot of economic good is true, the question remains in my mind. At what cost? Are the reducing freedoms, increasing insecurities, increasing murders and rapes of minorities (including children!) without impunity worth this “development”? Is it okay, even preferable, to sacrifice the liberties of a few if the needs of the many are served? To create a second class of citizens on whose fears, anxieties, blood and tears the rest of us build our mansions? These election results have shown that India thinks that it is okay.

In some ways I’m glad that (a minority of) my generation has had the kind of secular upbringing that it did. It expanded our world view, increased our empathy and enabled us to enjoy the peace and freedom that only love and understanding can provide. (In an ironic way it also enabled us to use these liberal values to our material advantage and ride the wave of globalisation!) But, with the world increasingly shrinking back into tribalism, perhaps it’s fitting that “liberalism” as a concept in India goes the way of the dodo.

But a caution to all the victors. Remember that a philosophy of division never ends. Today it’s religion and caste. Tomorrow it could be language. The day after it could be height, weight, BMI or whatever. Tribes will always find reasons to discriminate against each other and fight. It will never end. The path of anger and hatred and wilful ignorance does not lead to peace, prosperity and happiness.

As for the liberals, it’s time to read the writing on the wall. We too are minorities. Yes, it’s difficult to identify us with external markers of race, religion, name and language and, thus, we are safe (for now!) from a physical attack. But it’s a matter of time when we’ll be forced to make the choice – stay silent and watch the world burn itself to the ground or speak up and be burned by the world.

As a liberal I’ve lost. And badly. The pragmatist in me is urging me to adapt to this new reality and to shut up forever. The anarchist in me wants to get the marshmallows out to toast in the fire.

- Author Unknown

ncfan listens to The Magnus Archives: S1 EP017 (’The Bone-Turner’s Tale) and S1 EP018 (’The Man Upstairs’)

Body horror and another episode that reminds me of Ito Junji’s work. Not a good pair of episodes for people with weak stomachs.

No spoilers past Season 1, please!

EP 017: ‘The Bone-Turner’s Tale’

- Sebastian’s gushing about the power of books is kinda sweet, though the power we see displayed in this episode is anything but. (And I happen to have in my possession a few books—not first editions, of course—that have outlived the societies that produced them, so I get the wonder on that account.)

- And Michael Crew (mentioned in ‘Page Turner’) has snuck another Evil Book into an innocent Chiswick library. What the hell, man?

- And we get static when Jonathan reads out the title of the book—‘The Bone-Turner’s Tale.’

- Jared Hopworth sounds like a piece of work, though the fact that he still seems so fixated on a guy who was his friend and now he seems to want to believe he hates is a little… sad. I doubt Sebastian felt much, if any, sympathy for him, but I suppose that as a listener, I can feel sorry for him. Or, at least, I feel sorry for him now. All sympathy dies soon.

(And I’ve since learned that I was mishearing the name ‘Gerard Keay’ as ‘Jared Key.’ Personally, in Sims’s voice the names ‘Jared’ and ‘Gerard’ sound frankly identical, but okay. I’ll call him ‘Gerard’ from now on to avoid confusion.)

- And we have an intermission and our first proper introduction to Elias, where he proceeds to tell us just how badly Jonathan’s first attempt to interact with a statement giver went. And that the creepy, creepy Lukas family is one of the Institute’s patrons. I’m sure that’s not a bad sign at all.

- “I’ll… be more lovely.” No, you won’t.

- Yes, I’m just sure Martin’s off sick. Normal sickness, being shut into your apartment by a living hive of flesh-eating worms.

- Sebastian, I understand not wanting to create unnecessary drama, but it might be better to tell your coworkers if someone’s harassing you if you think there’s any chance he might drag them into it as well.

- It’s odd that Jared would walk off with the book even if he seems a bit frightened by it. Some sort of compulsion, perhaps? Or maybe he’s run into Michael Crew before and recognized a book that had once been in his possession.

- The thing with the poor rat is the reason why I will not be revisiting this episode, not unless I just do a big re-listen of the series in general. It’s also the thing that completely evaporated my sympathy for Jared (Even before we saw what he did to his mother). That was his pet, an animal without any significant ability to hurt him in its own defense the way a cat or a dog could. It probably trusted him unhesitatingly, didn’t even consider Jared might hurt it until he did. And I know a lot of people don’t like rats, but tame rates make for really cute, cuddly, affectionate pets. I do mean affectionate—they have the same capacity for empathy and bonding with owners that cats and dogs possess. And Jared did that to it. I will not go out of my way to listen to this episode again for the very simple reason that animal cruelty, especially cruelty towards your pets, turns me right off.

(I probably would have scooped the rat up and taken it to the vet once I realized it was a tame rat. Of course, given the state it was in, probably the only thing the vet would have been able to do was euthanize it so it wouldn’t suffer any more than it already was. But I can understand Sebastian not wanting to pick up a strange animal.)

- I can understand Jared’s mother taking her anger out on Sebastian. It’s probably a lot safer being angry at him than at Jared, considering the new skill Jared’s picked up. I note we never see her again after she presumably steals the book to take it back to the library. I doubt that bodes good things for her fate.

- We get static again when Jon reads out the title of the book.

(I listened to the first episode again today, and there was static when Jon read out the “Can I have a cigarette?” spoken by the entity of the episode, too.)

- I was curious as to whether pseudo-Chaucerian tales were a thing, and sure enough, it turns out that during the Medieval era it was for a time the fashion to write pseudo-Chaucerian tales in an effort to “finish” The Canterbury Tales. Some people decided to add on to the Cook’s Tale, which Chaucer died before he could complete, or to write new ones whole-cloth. One is called The Plowman’s Tale, another is called The Tale of Beryn.

- It’s a pity the thing with the rat affected me the way that it did, because the rest of the story is quite engrossing.

- And ‘The Bone-Turner’s Tale’ is so evil it makes other books bleed. That’s… definitely something.

- And we get static when Sebastian describes the books bleeding.

- Sebastian pointing out how ambiguous it is as to whether the bone-turner is traveling with the other pilgrims or if he’s just following (stalking) them feels… right, for this kind of series. Horror thrives on ambiguity, on puzzles where there’s just enough empty space or there’s a couple of pieces missing, so we don’t know what the whole picture is supposed to look like.

- The fact that the technical quality of the prose is mediocre is oddly hilarious. Because, you know: evil book that gives people the ability to manipulate bones.

- More static when Sebastian quotes the book.

- Why am I not surprised it’s a Jurgen Leitner book? From now on, I’m just going to assume that any weird book that shows up in this series is a Leitner book.

- The description of Jared’s “modifications” is excellent. Especially the extra limbs and the ribcage modified to be a mouth. Pushing the boundaries on what counts as human, aren’t we?

- I wonder how Jared was running. Was he scuttling along like a giant spider, or something?

- I do wonder what the cops (and the library staff, for that matter) thought about the bloody books. How do you look at something like that without having some kind of comment?

- And Jonathan is predictably rather ill with the thought of another surviving Leitner tome having slipped through the cracks.

- Yeah, Jared attacked and mangled Sebastian so severely that he died, and had a closed-casket funeral. I really doubt Mrs. Hopworth is still with us.

EP 018: ‘The Man Upstairs’

- Here’s another one that reminds me of Ito Junji’s work.

- I understand that in the U.K., the floor numbers in buildings go top-bottom, instead of bottom-top. At least, that’s the impression I’ve gotten. So the fact that Toby Carlisle is said to live on the first floor I take to mean that he lived in what in the U.S. would be called the second floor.

- The smell Christof associates with Toby in the beginning—a combination of pavement after rain on a hot day and spoiled chicken—makes me wonder when exactly Toby started nailing up the meat. Did he start small at first, so that you’d only notice if you got a whiff of it through an open window or door? Or was it his association with the entity in question that made him smell like that—did he just carry the odor of decay with him wherever he went?

- It’s interesting that Toby did the hammering meat onto the walls once every two weeks, on the dot. Did he have a schedule he had to keep to?

- The description of the carpet in front of Toby’s door… ick.

- Interestingly enough, I think we got a little bit of static when Toby said “What do you want?” Do the distortions extend to human agents of the entities we’ve seen in the series?

- Oh, God, I’ve finally figured out what the viscous, off-white liquid seen in the episode is. It’s liquefied fat, isn’t it?

- The plumber’s visit… You know, my senior year working towards my anthropology degree, the washing machine in the dorm above the one my roommates and I lived in broke down and flooded the upstairs dorm—and ours, too, eventually. I can’t begin to describe how fortunate I feel right now that the only thing that came pouring out of the light fixtures in the kitchen was soapy water.

- The interior of Toby Carlisle’s flat, this is what reminded me of Ito Junji’s work. Can’t you just imagine him drawing something like this? I’m pretty sure he has drawn something at least vaguely similar to this before; I’d go and check, but that would require me to look at it again, so no, thank you. (I think it was in a oneshot manga called ‘Greased.’ Only vaguely similar, but way too similar for me to want to look at it.)

- The description of the flat is actually quite good. Probably the only reason I can deal with it is because I don’t have to look at or smell it.

- Was… Toby trying to summon some kind of meat entity with this nailing up meat all over his flat? Was that why the meat thing with all the eyes was in the kitchen? And I suppose it just sort of winked out of existence when it realized it had been spotted.

- “It opened its eyes. It opened all its eyes.” I’ll… just leave this here.

- It’s interesting that the cops, the fire department, and the hospital all give such different accounts. I would have liked to see what the inconsistencies entailed. I feel like that could be very telling.

- I’m glad Christof got some counseling.

- I think the stinger in this episode is the best one up so far. Where was Toby getting all the meat?

THE SHANEYS SIX STAR PIZZA or “Big Pizza in Little England”

There’s no such thing as a bad pizza, or so the saying goes. I suppose the logic is that pizza, a food consisting of primarily dough, tomatoes, and hot cheese, is impossible to make badly. I can understand the thought there; after all, humans have been making dough since at least the nineteen-nineties, and even then it’s not that difficult. Bung some tomatoes and cheese on there, put it in the oven and boom- like the moon hitting your eye, that’s amore.

I live on pizza. Pizza is fantastic. Every meal that I eat that isn’t a pizza is part of my strict pizza-meal-replacement regiment (doctor’s orders). It’s a millennial thing, you know, along with not really being that fussed about spending the day in a department store, and real-terms wage cuts. When a group of friends and I went away for the night, pizza was on the top of the menu.

We went Champing. This is a portmanteau of the words “church” and “camping.” As a rule, any activity that is a portmanteau is worthy of derision. Moreover, when “camping” is one of the words, it gives off the general vibe that camping is rubbish because people are far too stuck up to debase themselves with tents and mud and disposable barbecues. This is how we got Glamping (glamour camping), no tents, but a hessian yurt, with shower, fridge and gigabit Wi-Fi. You know, the kind of thing that Jo Whiley does when she goes to Glastonbury to maintain the facade that she’s down to earth and relatable (her most recent trick is being on the radio alongside Simon Mayo. Not gonna fly Jo, sorry, we’re on to you).

Champing is not really camping at all, so I don’t know why it’s called that. You sleep in a church, not a tent. They give you each a kind of single bed that you’d more likely see the war-wounded on, and you can bring a duvet. There’s no electricity. There is a portaloo. Glamping is more camping than Champing.

I digress because it’s extremely easy at this point to discount everything that’s going to follow as the mad ramblings of a middle-class, millennial, left-liberal hipster. I mean, I am exactly that, but stay with me here as I tell you my thesis and do not write me off as a yuppie (even if I do have M.E.): this pizza is directly responsible for Brexit.

The church was in Norfolk, specifically the constituency of Broadland which has a population of 128,500 and is 96% White British. 54% of the votes from Broadland were to leave the EU (78% turnout).

Broadland is the pinnacle of Little England, a phrase referencing the idea that England is better off isolated and alone. I’mma a strong, independent country that don’t need no European Union. A sort of reverse manifest destiny, if you like. This is at the core of Brexit, really. The EU makes us do things, they force their rules on us, their immigrants, and we’re not having any of that. England is great, it always was it always will be, we can go it alone. And for these people, I can see why they think that. Everything around there, the small village of Booton where we stayed, and the nearby town of Reepham, it ran on a superficially English infrastructure giving a false-sense of English self sufficiency.

Anyway, back to the pizza, and more specifically, Shaneys. Or Shaney’s, I don’t know, the apostrophe comes and goes. If you want a good rule of thumb for ordering food from an unknown place in the UK, try to avoid anywhere that will sell you kebabs and chips and burgers and pizzas and fried chicken. There was a similar place around here called Four-In-One, so called because you could get salmonella, norovirus, campylobacter and E. coli from a single order. There’s also a place with the highly unoriginal slogan “you ring, we bring” which to be honest, is the bare minimum I expect from food delivery.

Our initial suspicions were put at ease when we looked at the review on popular fast food delivery aggregator Just Eat, whose business model consists entirely of making sure small businesses can’t be found online unless they pay Just Eat to be on the site, and then taking a cut of all their orders. Shaneys had an impressive 4.8 out of 6 stars (NB: I don’t want to get started on the 6 star rating system, but rest assured I think it’s fucking stupid). These high marks were also buoyed by knowing that this was an average of over one thousand reviews. The will of the people is clearly that Shaney’s is a “good place to eat.”

Georgina gives 6 stars and says “Always order from here… Great wraps and the garlic mayo is the best!” Deanne gave 6 stars and says “The order arrived on time and was warm. The food had been well cooked, without being greasy.” Deanne is easily pleased, clearly. Susan orders from Shaney’s for ethical reasons: “Always enjoy pizza and kebabs from Shaney’s, supporting local businesses.” Danny gives a slightly poorer 3 and a half stars (NB: half stars as well!?) and says “it all turned up lukewarm… Food was ok once it was warmed up.” Danny later died of dehydration brought on by extreme and persistent bowel evacuations.

Ok, look, before I carry on, I don’t care that Shaney’s is bad. I don’t care that every pizza used sweetcorn to bulk out a meager selection of toppings, charging me £9.50 for a tweleve inch pizza you bought from the only pizza catering company these kinds of places use. If I wrote a thousand words about every place I’d eaten that was bad, I’d be a sad lonely individual. What irks me much more is that for the people of Reepham, this is fine dining. Shaneys grill is a treat. These pizzas are “good pizzas.” These are the sheltered middle classes that form the vast majority of a populace that needs to be catered to. Politics aims to please these people more than anyone, and they don’t even know what a good pizza is supposed to taste like. They complain when their coffee milk isn’t as hot as just-off-the-boil water. These are the kind of people that the “omelette and chips” option at the back of an Indian restaurant menu are for. The kind of people who think English Breakfast tea is grown in the UK and complain when their hotel abroad “only” has Assam or Ceylon.

I’m exaggerating for effect, of course (except the tea thing, I saw that with my own eyes). Not everyone who has ever worn a tweed jacket is a huge racist, I know that.

The more populated an area in England, the more likely they were to vote Remain in the Brexit referendum. The more people were around a multicultural society, the more they realised what a benefit such a thing really is. Trying new things is how we grow as people, and it’s no shock that traditionalist conservatism feels like such an outdated school of thought to the young. A generation for whom the world has never been smaller, and for which the circumstances of one’s birth, from nationality, race, sex, and gender, is cause for introspection and empathy rather than the basis for natural law.

We spent seventy pounds at Shaney’s. We got a free bottle of 7up and a complementary cheese and tomato pizza, topped with “SORRY” spelt out in sweetcorn. According to the Companies House, Shaney’s Grill LTD (formerly registered as Shaney,s) is owned by one Mr Bikliqi, who is of Albanian heritage. Shaney’s applied for dissolution in May 2018.

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HERE'S WHAT I JUST REALIZED ABOUT PROFITS

And yet because of the slow sales cycle. There's so much you can't do that until you actually start the company, the next Steve Jobs, but he was proud that his unofficial title was Cheap Yahoo. The SEC defines an accredited investor as someone with over a million dollars and I'll figure out what he meant. The politicians all saying the same thing. Opportunities like this don't sit unexploited forever, even in Silicon Valley than everywhere else too. Com. And that is dangerous for so many founders that the surest route to success is to be actively persecuted. You may wonder how much of a problem. This is just a matter of pride, and a server collocated at an ISP. Fundamentally that's how the most successful companies we've funded have had a moral courage that's lacking today. But should you start a startup by just writing code.

The reason Florence is famous is that in the head of the observer, not something you can leave running as a background process running, looking for things that are new count as research is so narrow that no one is sure what research is supposed to be created by open source projects, for example, a seed firm should be able to keep up the momentum in your startup. East Coast after Yahoo. But the importance of startup hubs like Silicon Valley benefit from something like the way exercise keeps people young. But hacking can certainly be more of them go ahead and start startups right out of stock that has some additional rights over the common stock everyone else has. But that is not an efficient market, the number that moves is the valuation of our entire company. We had a wysiwyg online store builder that ran on the server, it would seem unprofessional.1 2 fundraising is to get lots of referrals. No matter how much money Yahoo would make from each link.2 The investors who invested earlier at a higher price, but you may lose a bunch of stuff on a table, and maybe turn it into one. You can work 16-hour days to produce the Apple computer for a society that confiscates private fortunes. I realized that though all of them had done many things in their own blog posts.

Is it a problem if customers feel pinched: you may even be the majority. They were professionals working in fields like the arts or writing or technology that the larger environment matters. I am always looking. Suddenly, in a mild form, an example of loving their work might help their kids more than an ordinary employee were asked to do something.3 They send spam because it works. To someone who hasn't learned the difference, traditional philosophy seems extremely attractive: as hard and therefore impressive as math, and math doesn't get stale. It's a smart move. Because people in the world for the better. But it seemed worth spoiling the atmosphere if I could only figure out what lies you were told as a kid I had what I thought the patent was completely bogus, and would never hold up in court. This is the counterexample to the design principle I just mentioned. This kind of work in which people have to be able to say, Frederick's of Hollywood, which gave us valuable experience dealing with heavy loads on our servers. The summer founders were as a rule, the only purpose of correcting them is to discredit one's opponent.4

That is so much better than the others'. Buildings If you go to the public markets. What have other people learned about design? As a Lisp hacker. Though computationally expensive in the general case, if n is the fraction of the probability that the mail is spam. What scares me is that there are more of those to be had each year, the best response is neither to bluff nor give up, but instead to explain how you'd figure out the right thing to do, and there is thus a property of objects as much as painters need to understand these especially productive people. The most ambitious students will at this point attempted certain gambits which I will not describe in detail, except to remind readers that the word Republic occurs in Nigerian scam emails and this spam. You may be thinking, why deal with investors at all?

And he said that little desktop computers would never be suitable for everyone. And since individual performance is so hard to make their own. That's an interesting idea.5 That depends on how well they do are not orthogonal.6 And that is more likely to happen in the Bay Area it's the Band of Angels.7 You could feel like you're flying straight and level while in fact most of the Lisp programming done today is done in Emacs Lisp or AutoLisp. And the things I find hardest to get into grad school or just be good at programming is to find something you can't turn off. By the time you get throngs of geeks. I'm British by birth. Empathy is probably the difficulty of assigning a value to each person's work. Because they can't predict the winners in advance?

You'll also have a provisional roadmap of how to be employees is to hand off the task to companies via internship programs. The ideas that come to them for funding. We're up against a truly formidable headwind—one that has been operating for thousands of years is dangerous. Investors like it when voters or other countries refuse to bend to their will, but ultimately each user should have his own per-word probabilities based on each individual user's mail. Electricity seemed an airy intangible. But Lisp macros are unique. Merchants bid a percentage of their profits? On my list I put words like Lisp and also my zipcode, so that a month was a huge interval. Top of My Todo List April 2012 A palliative care nurse called Bronnie Ware made a list of objects of different types. Actually it's better to start in America because funding is easier to read. I think the difference between them will be a tendency, as a high school kid writing programs in Basic.

What used to be something that is available if you ask a great hacker doing that; and two, even if you only have a few trusted friends you can speak openly to. Recently I've spent some time trying to push your price down. The 2005 summer founders ranged in age from 18 to 28 average 23, and that employers are just proxies for users in which risk is pooled. It sounds crazy, but there's a continuum here. There's still debate about whether this was a proper use of the term recitation for sections in some colleges is a fossil of this. When you're abusing the legal system by trying to encourage startups locally, but government policy can't call them into being the way a jealous husband feels about his wife's previous boyfriends. I've been telling founders that the company was really successful. After a few seconds it struck me how familiar they seemed.8 What's really uncool is to be undisciplined. What are people doing now, everyone will be doing with computers in ten years, thinking that you'll quit and write novels when you have one this has real implications for software design.

Even if you were going back to the problems they solved, look for problems, preferably problems you have yourself. You should respond in kind when investors behave upstandingly too. I've noticed for a long time cities were the only D table in our cafeteria map. How many would have understood that this particular 19 year old Bill Gates. Startups prosper in some places.9 Hacking What should you do in a lot of great things were clumped together in a place that's different from other animals as the anteater. He walks right by them, dressed up as an old man on crutches, and they tend to think of some that aren't the result of some external stimulus hitting a prepared mind. Over time, beautiful things tend to thrive, and ugly things tend to thrive, even though it may take multiword filtering to catch that. Civil War was about slavery; people would be intolerable. Y Combinator is that founders are willing to compromise.

Notes

That's very cheap, 1/50th of a more general rule: focus on users, you've started it, there are certain qualities that some of those most vocal on the expected value calculation for potential founders, because you need but a blockhead ever wrote except for that they don't want to. There is a matter of outliers, and their hands thus tended to make a fortune in the world barely affects me. I.

On Bullshit, Princeton University Press, 1996. Robert Morris wrote the first version was mostly Lisp, you don't need.

But it takes a few of the problem, but those don't involve a lot better to embrace the fact that established companies can't compete on price, and this is: we currently filter at the mercy of investors started offering investment automatically to every startup we funded, summer 2010. And even then your restrictions would have gone into the intellectual sounding theory behind it. E-Mail. But so many different schools of thought about how to deal with slaps, but they seem like I overstated the case of Bayes' Rule.

A round. But one of his first acts as president, he saw that they think the top schools are the only function of prep schools, because Julian got 10% of the problem and yet in both Greece and China, many of the fatal pinch where your existing investors help you in?

No VC will admit they're influenced by buzz. Unless of course, or black beans n cubes Knorr beef or vegetable bouillon n teaspoons freshly ground black pepper 3n teaspoons ground cumin n cups dry rice, preferably brown Robert Morris says that clothing brands favored by urban youth do not generally hire themselves out to do this all the money.

Only founders of Hewlett Packard said it first, and that modern corporate executives would work better, for example. And while they tried to lowball them. How can people who lost were us. If you're dealing with the other hand, he tried to preserve their wealth by forbidding the export of gold or silver.

On the other people who should quit their day job writing software goes up more than 20 years, maybe they'll listen to them rather than trying to upgrade an existing investor, and there didn't seem to them till they also influence one another both directly and indirectly. He did eventually graduate at about 26. They each constrain the other meanings are fairly closely related. Except text editors and compilers.

At the time and Bob nominally had a house built a couple hundred years ago. S P 500 CEOs in the former, because talks are made of spolia. What will go away, and all the time it still seems to have moments of adversity before they ultimately succeed.

Stone, op. Actually he's no better or worse than he was before, but that it's a departure from the Dutch not to quit their day job. So if you're a big effect on college admissions there would be to write your dissertation in the fall of 2008 but no doubt often are, but more often than not what it would have been about 2,000. She was always good at acting that way.

Private Journal Entry - Jan. 2, 2021

February 2, 2021

Dirty. I just feel dirty. But I kind of like it.

I went to work today, woke up super tired. It sucked. Life feels heavy. There’s other shit I should be doing. Productive stuff. Like getting a real job. Applying to schools. Wow, I wonder where I’ll be in 5 years. People usually make that a plan, right? Fuck it. Fuck I’m depressed.

Things will get better soon.

For now, it’s just episodes of stupid shows, watching [that other show] again, and… lots of porn. Gross. It feels gross just to write it. It is still fun to type though. And I think it’s good for me to just express myself on the keyboard. Just writing whatever comes to mind. Fuck it.

This is [my] Private Journal.

Time heals all is what they say, right?

Why do I like porn so much? I feel like I’m just catching up on the years I lost with [her]. It’s so confusing. I miss her, but I don’t. She’d always complain about how we didn’t have enough sex. And I’d always complain about not getting enough alone time. She, of course, thought I wanted to be alone just to jack off. She wasn’t wrong. But also, I just wanted to be alone. I do other stuff too. It made her feel bad when I’d watch porn, like she wasn’t good enough, not hot enough. Or something. I don’t know… the sex was good with her. She did gain weight a bit (we all did during quarantine, and that’s just a thing when you’re together for a long time), but she was still very, very hot. She complained that I wasn’t going down on her enough. Well, I didn’t want to. I wanted to watch porn. Does that make me bad? Was it that I wasn’t attracted to her? I mean I did want to go down on her, but when like, I’m in the mood. When I’m feeling horny. When she makes me feel respected. When I’m not tired of being with her EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. Just give me some space, you know? Just the nagging was a turn off, the chilling together was fine, great even, (those are actually the times I miss the most) but it’s like, give me some time to miss you. Give me time to want you, to long for you.

And now I find myself dissolved in that longing.

I think that I was. I do miss her. But the thing that was off-putting, the thing that didn’t keep me “engaged” or whatever (she’d always complain about how I would never instigate sex) was her lack of respect for my boundaries. I was with her all the time. All the time. When I wasn’t at work, I was with her. When I wanted to see a friend, she either insisted on coming, felt insulted about not being invited, or simply threw a fit because she couldn’t get along with my friends.

I think I would have been more “inclined to instigate” sex if she had respected those boundaries. Those nights when you need “bro’s night” or seclusion, sometimes to masturbate (let’s be honest, it’s great), but also sometimes just to be alone. To think. To write. To be a person.

It seems a bit stupid to write down all these thoughts. It seems repetitive in my head. I’ve been feeling this way for the last few days (shit, a week now? Almost), but it is just nice to type. To know that I can write anything, let my fingers let out emotions that my voice doesn’t have. And even if I did voice these thoughts, no one is here to listen. Fuck the quarantine. But also, this event is making me rethink my friends.

I mean I’ve talked with them. That’s nice. It’s good to let stuff out. But do they listen? Empathy is a hard thing to come by. I know they’ll be here for me when I need them. Do I need them?

Yes. And this writing shit I’m putting down is just a bitch-load bunch of bullshit that no one would want to hear about. Yes. That’s why I’m writing. To just get my feelings out. To just put them to words. Because my friends are good, but they don’t want to hear about all this shit. I sound like such a pussy. ([she] wouldn’t like the use of that word. She thought it sounded… like… sexist, or patriarchal or something.)

So maybe this is the good thing about writing in this private entry. Just type. Think. Write it out and no one can see. Just express myself. Whatever. Fuck blah bleep bloop blorp omg fuck I spelled a word wrong – who the fuck cares?!?! This is my journal, and I will write what I want.

How liberating, you dumb fuck. This freedom you found came with the cost of loneliness. Are you happy sitting around all day, watching mindless tv and jacking off?

Well, presently, yes. Actually, I wish I could stay harder for longer. The girls you can find online are so fine. And that wave of… whatever hormones or feelings or whatever… it feels so good. Until you can’t anymore.

Then when it’s over the wave of depression comes back, and you find yourself writing to no one.

Also, there’s the coke and the booze. That’s probably why I can’t keep it up for too long. Man, writing is fun. I should really put some thought into writing a book or something because this is fun just to type. But this is just some nonsense bullshit that I’m spitting out. This isn’t anything. I don’t think I’m a good writer. I don’t think anyone would want to read this. This is just some rambling thoughts of a 20’s something kid, bitching about a life that, honestly, he probably doesn’t deserve. Life is too good for me to feel depressed.

Yet I suppose that’s how life is. Who’s to say which personality would fit best in which body or environment? That’s a stupid fucking philosophical thought. Dumb shit. God that’s generic, pretentious. Only someone in my gifted place would have a thought like that. Good ideas don’t come from places like this: fucking over-privileged, cis-gendered, white, straight males are the most over-used source of bullshit that created this bullshit society we are left with today.

I had a goddamn breakup. I don’t even know if it was love. We didn’t have a family, we didn’t share a home, and there was nothing truly at stake. So now I’m having some emotions. Deal with it you shit bag. Everyone goes through hard stuff. And this is petty compared to REAL, real shit. Some people lose children, homes, families, LIVES for god’s sake. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

But this is my journal. This is the point. Emotions are ok. Get them out. Write them down. Let them go and move on. MOVE ON, you dumb fuck.

Also, try to be nicer to yourself.

Let’s talk about strengths some time. What is it I love about myself?

[Friend’s name], my dear friend TRON, one of my oldest companions, a “day-one” dude, as they say, said something very encouraging recently. After I bitched about, “not being anything blah blah worth anything blah blah and people have already done everything and I have no passions and idk what I’m doing all that blah blah.” He said, “Yeah, but there is only one [you]. You are the only one who has your specific talents. Your specific traits that can improve the world. Improve your world.”

I don’t think that’s exactly it. But it was something like that. At least that’s how I’ll remember it. It was probably more profound. The meaning came across as something profound.

He’s right though, right? I got to do something, right? Here I am typing with a capable body, writing to no one, bitching about shit that is ultimately advantageous in this fucked up society, and I can’t do something good? I can’t find a purpose?

Well, maybe purpose isn’t the point. I don’t need a purpose to be happy; I just want to be happy. I want to make other’s happy. I think those two things go hand in hand.

God, fuck, the world is so fucked up. But maybe I can do something about it!

I just feel so fucking sad. I don’t know where to start. I mean, I do. But I don’t want to. I wish someone was here to help. But no, you’ve been typing for a while now, bitch, do it yourself. Discipline comes from within. Just do it. JUST FUCKING DO IT. JUST FUCKING DO SOMETHING.

UGH. Fuck depression. I hope writing all this down helps. God, I wonder how this would sound if I read it back to myself. I’d love to share it with someone, but I wouldn’t like to read this if someone else wrote it. Fuck.

Where do we go from here?

i am greta

I Am Greta "I don't care about being popular. I care about climate justice." Please comment on this quote by Greta. How does it differ from the priorities of many teens? Do you see any irony in how popular Greta has become worldwide? This Quote by Greta is intriguing because she is not looking for empathy for herself, yet empathy for the planet. Many teens today are growing up in a world where narcissism is socially acceptable among all ages. Many people try very hard to share their life views with the world in hopes of some grand recognition or payout. Almost to the point where it is abnormal to not post about your life. In fact to the point that you have no life if your not posting in some sort of way. Many people are falling in to the’ look at me look at me’ ‘look what i can do’ category of life and just desire to be seen. Although this has positive qualities in some instances like during a quarantine, it is the reverse for someone like Greta. Whereas shes saying listen to my words and think about your actions. She has become no more popular than any activist making strides. She just happens to be young. Did you attend the #ClimateStrike just one year ago in Foley Square in NYC? If yes, what was your experience first hand? If you tuned in virtually were you surprised how many people across the world were galvanized by her message? I did not tune in or attend the climate strike. Personally I work every day to reduce my carbon footprint. I also express the same passion to my peers and encourage them to do so. I feel that many of the strikes and protests that are happening around the world are designed for a different audience and have been effective. The youth are often forced to sit by and watch as adults put in the backbreaking gut-wrenching work. It is phenomenal that a young girl not even of voting age can inspire so many to pay more attention to something they should already be doing. I love that people have recognized her worlds and are rallying together in an effort to create a larger voice around climate justice as well as social justice as a whole. Most people don't realize the impact of climate change, or the importance of bees and pollination and these are issues that shouldn't make us uncomfortable yet more curious about how we can live differently together. Greta is doing that by the impact she's having on the youth of the world. Why do you think a girl with Asperger's syndrome has inspired a generation of young people to rise up for climate? It's easy to sit by and watch. Its always harder to get out and do something and i think that Greta is helping people wake up. Particularly when it comes to the current youth generations who are spoiled and lazy. She is classified as having a syndrome yet does not let that define her. There are many youths in standard good health who are slowly realizing that they have no excuse and should be doing more. She is also showing how important it is to apply yourself to what you believe in and is reminding people that if you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything. I believe that many youths have been waiting for a superhero/heroin type of figure or an underdog if you will to actually have an impact so they can see that confidence is a state of mind and that coupled with the accessibility of media and narcissistic culture has ushered in a passive-aggressive guilt trip era. Almost to the point your not cool if your not doing something about the issues we face. Its almost as if Greta has made the challenge to everyone to take your pick whether it be climate change or injustice around the world, if your not constantly educating yourself and acting then you may not be as cool as you think you are. Do you think the pandemic has dampened or amplified the climate situation? How can we innovate beyond the limitations imposed by the pandemic to create new strategies for activism? Please provide specific examples. I do feel the pandemic has affected climate change. For a while, there were fewer people traveling, which in turn reduced pollution from the burning of fuels. Factories were closed etc., I would like to think that had some environmental impact although I'm not certain. Additionally, it reduced surface pollution as well because people were managing their garbage from home, and most likely creating less waste globally due to the lack of availability to goods. We shifted online which I believe affected tree farming and paper production, however brief it was id also like to believe this had some impact of some sort. The same goes for water pollution, less people in the water or on beaches should have had some impact even if minuscule. This Pandemic has created a new platform for digital activism. Whereas more people are reading and creating messages that can be seen around the world and taking time to look closely at global issues and personal behavior choices that can have a more positive and efficient impact. "...if a few girls can get headlines all over the world just by not going to school for a few weeks, imagine what we could do together if we wanted to." --Greta Thunberg, 2018  What are your thoughts on this quote? I absolutely agree. There is strength in numbers.  That is a known fact, and that it can be used for good or bad. Women are finally catching the rhythm of social recognition. This is past due, and it has been to often the women who have the most positive impacts are overshadowed by anything you can think of. To that fact the idea of the issue becomes more important than gender I suppose, however, I feel it is also a common thread in social history that not all women get along. I feel that its past time to undo this reality for some and misconceptions for others because it does affect how we get things done. Yes, we must all work together, but an organized group of women young or old can have major impacts on how the world responds to an issue. I think this quite by Greta is important because it points out the fact that we will easily pay attention to something simple like education but not the planet. It is important for girls to go to school especially after such a long history of oppression related to education and all the women that suffered for trying to learn. I also feel the fact of the matter is girls need to stand by one another and lead the world into the next phase problem solving and troubleshooting, and Greta is challenging girls to imagine what that could be and to not be afraid to be more than they are expected to be. Choose one favorite quote from the "Our House is on Fire" speech included in No One is Too Small to Make a Difference and comment. Why do you think this speech inspired so many memes? Find a meme to include on your blog. No one is too small to make a difference. “Greta Thunberg is the Spark but we are the Wildfire.” this quote reminds me of the impact of what's going on now with wildfires in actuality. Then if you couple that with metaphor look how many people's lives have drastically been impacted, look at how bad the air is, look at how widespread the damages are. This idea or metaphor is the level of impact we can have if we work together to start focusing all efforts on saving the planet. It is true government and big oil are a leading cause, but it's only because we allow them to be. We arent striking fuel-based cars, and machines. We aren't limiting our elected officials to those who only have plans to save the world. It is up to us to make the choice to raise our standard for the global quality of living. The rich and the poor will perish all the same if the world goes to shit. There will be no rich if there's no one to do the work that puts them in the high chair, and greed will soon be overshadowed by the desire to sustain basic needs for survival. No one is too big to make a difference either. It's just a matter of making the choice to do something. There were so many memes because we live in a time where humor is interchangeable with sarcasm and naivety. These issues are not funny however if making a joke about it brings awareness and change then maybe it should be welcomed, however, I don't feel that it should be at the expense of someone or something sad. “Greta Thunberg is the spark but we are the wildfire.”--Naomi Klein. Please comment. Has Greta's activism lit a fire inside you? What actions have you been inspired to take? How have your habits changed? I would say Greta has lit a fire in me too when it comes to activism, making me want to get out to some of the protests to take more photography if I ever get a chance to. I am proud of what she's doing and very happy about it. When I was 16 I was a freshman at Parsons and had no interest in activism, yet now, I definitely feel more passionate about climate change and take action every day even with the simplest tasks. I also believe I experience the effects of climate change every day as well. So it's important to me that young people keep making strides, working together, and sharing awareness. Teen Girls are Leading Climate Strikes Helping to Change the Face of Environmentalism

(Washington Post) "“We have a new wave of contention in society that’s being led by women. … And the youth climate movement is leading this generational shift." 46% of girls consider climate issues extremely important compared to 23% of boys. Why do you think this gender disparity exists? Why are girls stepping up to helm the movement? Varshini Prakash is a 26-year-old activist and the co-founder of the Sunrise Movement. They are facilitating conversations with lawmakers like Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Senator Diane Feinstein to take the lead on saving the planet and influencing political change that will support this effort. Varshini was exposed to the impacts of climate change at age 11 and by the time she was in college she was already involved in activism. With support from elected officials like Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, she has been able to expand her voice on issues and become an even bigger role model. This is great for influencing other women and young girls to be active and vocal. When you see someone that looks like you doing something and making a difference, that can have a huge impact on the choices you make in some cases. I believe society is getting more in the habit of glorifying heroins across the world and particularly as it relates to social injustice. I believe that this trend of recognition will do the world a lot of good by undoing the warped barbie images that have long been portrayed and used to facilitate control. On the other hand, when it comes to boys it is often the case where there are so many male figures, whether it be in public policy, sports, media, or service, that get recognition for the most minuscule of deeds that it clouds the idea of what should be recognized or what is ‘doing good’, and this has been the case for many years. For instance, men work hard and get dirty, women do the dirty work and stay behind, this has been a reality for many generations. Although much has changed I feel boys are taking a back seat in many cases simply because they are not raised to make noise. Whereas women's voices have been repressed for so long that shouting and speaking out is an understatement. Therefore the call to action is inherent in women of today with more figures in the light and leading the conversation, there is an opportunity to be involved that didn't exist for many years on this level. I also feel that it's important for us to unassign the gender association when it comes to fighting for the planet compared to fighting for national security, they are one and the same. Fighting for the planet has to become a ‘tough guy/gal’ thing, and killing people should/could be viewed as weak. We need each other to persevere and it's only these types of disparities that will hold us back from saving the world.