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cactigratitudelove · 4 years

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Rhyme, Reason & Free Verse:

A Pattern Project

There’s usually rhyme and reason when it comes to patterns. There are sequences and rhythm with poetic logical thoughts expressed through many forms of mediums. And because, sometimes, there is neither rhyme or reason, there is also free verse.

Today is the first day of a project I’ve been getting ready for the last few weeks and part of my 30 Day Challenge Calendar I set at the beginning of this year. (Adjusted some months to fit my needs via my January blog post). I may continue this into the #The100DayProject TBD.

Why this project?

With this project I’d like to visualize and create with the intent of leaning in to my interpretation of “poems” (patterns) through illustration with freedom to explore.

When I travel or on my daily commute in the world (when we use to be able to do this. #pandemic ) I notice that I’m attracted to and admire: fabrics, tile, brick, cobble stone and anything with repetitive beauty.

I always wondered how much fun it would be to make patterns for fabric and then I did in 2017. And it was fun. I loved it. Time goes by. Life happens. Projects get put on the back burner and here is is some years later without another pattern project. 2020 feels different to me. I’ve set a theme: Create & Explore. So far I’ve completed two collections and ready for more. This sketchbook project has been a long time coming.

Details:

To prepare for this project, I took some time to look through old photos, past sketchbooks, and some Pinterest boards I created of sketchbook art I admire. I took some time to brain storm enough ideas to last me through the month. I bought a sketchbook specifically for this one project: Crescent Sketchbook, thanks Emily for the the recommendation! The paper doesn’t bleed! And I’ve scheduled time to create giving myself 15-45 min depending on the day. I also gave myself options of different mediums including: watercolor, pencil, color pencils, ink, and marker. The freedom of mediums excites me, creating diversity within the book.

Side Note:

Today’s page was inspired by a project I completed a year ago for a wonderful friend of mine. She has a beautiful prickly pear cactus in her back yard that blooms these specific flowers and she loves bees. I loved the way my sketches looked for this project and wanted to see it repeated. Although this isn’t an exact pattern it is my free verse poem for today.

#rhymeandreasonfreeverse

#Nationalpoetrymonth #pocketpoems

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cactigratitudelove · 4 years

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Lovely Little Earthly Things

I paint lovely little earthly things.

Things I cannot keep.

Things that grow, bloom, wilt and sometimes die.

Things I capture in a photograph because in that moment, it inspires me and I want to recreate a version of my own.

I paint things that help me remember that moment, the smell, the sound, the lovely people I am with or the solitude I enjoy.

Things with grace. Things that are alien.

Things one cannot pick to keep and place in a vase to admire even if for a short time.

I paint things that help me feel the feels and things that help me release the feels.

I paint things that are vulnerable.

And things that are resilient.

I paint things that give life.

Things that produce aromas that can never be fully captured. Things that are soft, hard, colorful & saturated.

I paint and I paint myself through lovely little earthly things knowing that I’ve grown, bloomed, wilted and will one day die.

-A

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cactigratitudelove · 4 years

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Hustler Gemini Brain = Organized Chaos

My theme this year is to Create more and Explore more. A way for me to stick with this theme was to create a few challenges and sketchbooks with specific themes to help me create more work for the jobs I want in the future but most importantly to help me develop and grow skills I am lacking creatively. I have scheduled them in advanced so that I am able to keep them in mind when thinking of ideas to produce in said sketchbooks/challenges until the month’s come up. Its already been helping!

As a gemini and a creative I have learned that I have so many ideas that sometimes its hard to expand on them AND I also get board easily. So, I have looked back on my last few years of Ink & Volt Planners to see where I can organize this chaos into a more productive year and also have fun/focus doing so.

Here are a some 31 Day Challenges I have added into my schedule this year:

FEBRUARY: 12 Calendar Watercolor illustrations

5"x5" Loose Water color Paper.

Schedule in 45-60min 5 days a week

(I am already working on a collection of watercolors for other work but wanted to have one month just to focus on this project to get it down asap for future printing)

MARCH: 31 Day Watercolor Illustrations-Book/Editorial

5.5"x8.5" Moleskin watercolor Sketchbook

45-60 min Daily.

(I have a watercolor sketchbook I already bought for this one. The idea of this is to be able to learn how to tell a story through the illustration or convey the editorial illustration quickly) -I am currently taking a Creative Writing class to help me hone in on story telling skills)

MAY: 31 Day Patterns

5.5"x8.5" Crescent Sketchbook

15-20min Daily

(Quick daily patterns of all themes that soothes my soul. This one is just a fun one I can do on my daily commute or in the morning after I do my "Wake-up" Pages)

JUNE: 30 Day Lovely Little Watercolors in June

3"x3" Loose square watercolor paper

30-45min Daily

(A series I started years ago. I love my mini watercolors and enjoy creating. Theme of course is botanical but New York Botany. lol)

JULY: NYC-Exploration of the City.

5.5x8.5 Crescent Sketchbook

(This sketchbook is already an ongoing project to explore the city. An NYC Diary if you will but in July I will set aside time to attend specific areas of the city that I have on my list that I may not get to yet while also creating more NYC inspired illustrations)

AUGUST: 31 Day One Page/One Liners Comic Series

5.5x8.5 Moleskin Blank Page Sketchbook

15-30min Daily

(This is similar to my illustration/editorial challenge but in a comic sense. Ideas and short stories I would like to convey quickly but in this one spread out within 1-4 blocks- Comic)

OCTOBER: 31 Day Inktober DUH!

8.5x11 Sketchbook

20-60min daily

(I've benefited from this challenge every year in some way or another. Whether it be new commissions or selling product with inktober designs on it. Unfortunately I will not be hosting the annual inktober show but if ran this year, I will of course participate! I love the inktober community. <3)

This may seem excessive but notice not all months have a challenge AND some challenges are only 15-20 min. I have also scheduled these challenges in months I know that I can logically accomplish these challenges and have cleared other distractions to make these amongst my 2020 priorities.

A few Q’s:

What are your challenges, theme, goals this year? Where do you want to improve? What Skills do you want to learn? What class can you take to help you get closer to your goals? Hopefully I got you thinking a little. <3

Happy 2020!

-A

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cactigratitudelove · 5 years

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Monthly Challenges & Their Benefits.

This month, in the doodler’s instagram world is Inktober! What’s Inktober, you ask?!

“Every October, artists all over the world take on the Inktober drawing challenge by doing one ink drawing a day the entire month.” -Jake Parker

Yep that’s pretty much it- just you, paper and ink for 31 days of October.

These types of challenges are created to help improve skills, challenge creativity, and connect with others on a social media platform or a creative community. These challenges can be super beneficial.

Looking back on some of the personal creative challenges I have completed, including group ones like inktober, have helped me grow and learn more about myself as an artist. These challenges have helped me practice a skill I've wanted to improve on, explore levels of discipline, push my limits of creativity, and network with fellow creatives I may not have been able to meet other wise.

Some challenges that came up beyond artistic growth was learning about shame. “I am not completing these drawings in a timely manor, therefore I am a horrible person that won't ever be good with time management.” or “I suck at being creative each day, therefore I am not a good artist.”

I would also compare myself with others which I learned over time was something I needed to address within myself. It’s hard not fall into this habit, but when I recognized it, processed why and then gradually set up new healthy habits, I became much happier, stopped comparing, and started to create for myself. My work improved tremendously just by adjusting this way of thinking.

Come to find out, I am not horrible person or bad artist but that I can and able to learn how to manage my time better with preparing myself for the month, accepting that I may not be on top of it every day but that just showing up was key to learning more about myself and my skill. I also learned that I am an Artist. Whether I am good or bad is neither here nor there. I enjoy creating along with the some of the challenges that come with it, therefore I am an artist.

So I thought maybe I would share some thoughts on why I enjoy monthly challenges like Inktober and will create my own challenges throughout the year:

Practice

Practice does not make perfect. Practice creates a space for improvement. It’s the cliche, “It’s the journey not the destination.”

Gawwwwwd I know, I apologize for cliches, but they exist for a reason! I notice that after a month of practicing something I need improvement on, my skills grow. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, but growth to me is so important in this field.

Accountability

Doing a challenge specifically with a group of people or posting online helps keep one accountable. Outside of my art life, I have an accountability partner for things like ‘keeping active.’

Meaning each week I usually send her a text saying “I’m gonna go for a jog today... Could you check in later to make sure I followed through? Not feeling it today but I know my body and mind need it! Thanks lady!” She will usually reply “You got this lady! I ran today too. Get it!” OR “You got this! You just inspired me to run today today, I’ll check in tonight.”

Mind you if we skip out on an activity, we are still filled with praise for each other because sometimes things happen or the body and/or brain just really isn't in it. That IS okay too. But more likely than not, it helps motivate and keep you and others going. Instagram has been a safe space for me to create and share my work with others while keeping me accountable to my field and profession.

Think Outside the Box

Holy smokes! This one is HARD. Being creative is hard. Being creative within a time frame is even harder! Its a challenge for a reason and helpful in getting me to either think out side the box. (OR for this year’s 2019 Inktober get me to think inside the box! *wink wink* -My challenge this year is to draw botanicals inside a 3″x3″ box with some restrictions-Its been fun but challenging)

Sometimes the way I address this is to create thumbnail sketches of every cliche thing I can think of within the topic I am about to attempt to illustrate. Then after I get them out of my head, I am able to start thinking about what's outside the cliche box. Sometimes being on a time crunch can affect this but simple brainstorming with words can help so much.

Time-Management

Well... I mean let’s be real. Many creatives struggle with this. I know that I am STILL struggling with this but I am so much better now than I was five to ten years ago! I have actually taken a class by Lisa Congdon from Creative Live that talks about Workflow, Time blocks and setting boundaries for yourself to help take on projects with clients. I highly recommend this! I also use an INK&VOLT planner that has space to write down monthly challenges, goals along with yearly goals and accomplishments. It’s by far my favorite planner I’ve EVER had.

I also set time blocks for monthly challenges and Inktober. Setting a time block anywhere from 15min-60min for just uninterrupted (meaning airplane mode on all digital items) time. This helps me concentrate and make growth a priority even on days I might feel a little overwhelmed.

Fun!

Believe it or not challenges can be fun! Picking themes and topics you love and enjoy helps keep your interest going. Sometimes half way through it can become a bit rough. I like to change up my environment by drawing in a cafe, park, train, or while waiting for my New York bagel n’ lox. This helps with the creative juices and doesn't cause a repetitiveness that can happen.

I also like to listen to podcasts, music and audiobooks while creating these. Comedy podcasts, like Conan Needs a Friend, can help distract in a good way.

Mental Health

I have recently noticed when setting a time frame, putting on music and turning my phone into airplane mode while I just simply focus on this one task has helped me process new emotions I might be feeling from my personal life.

We are all going through something or know people who are going through something. Finding time to process feels is difficult but important. This is a great way to take care of your mental health and in a way meditate while working on your craft.

Social

Lastly, if you're doing inktober you’re probably doing it on the gram! Insta is a great way to meet other creatives and people who may love what you're up to! I have made friends from all over the world just by simply posting and following hashtags with creative agendas. Artists and creatives more times than not will rather want to engage online because, well, lets be honest... studio time. We are always in our studio, which is a great thing too!) Taking breaks to interact with people even if its online is good for the soul.

Keep in mind these challenges weren’t created to get “Likes” or “Followers” These are for personal growth and to interact with other creatives. So if you notice thoughts are focused on “likes” versus growth take a moment to regroup and transfer that energy into visiting artist work you like and engaging with them. Practice gratitude for your self and others in this process.

What’s important is that you’re showing up and working on self-growth. If you’re wanting some traction from other artists and creatives use popular/themed hashtags to help bring people to your work and engage. Maybe you’d like help on something you find others are great at, head to a hashtag and do a little digging. Most artist today will be happy to help.

Feel free to reach out and let me know how your challenge is going on my insta: Adela Antoinette

Good luck and happy Inking!

Inktober info:

https://inktober.com

https://www.instagram.com/inktobertucson/

https://www.facebook.com/inktobertucson/

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cactigratitudelove · 5 years

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A Great Place to Be.

There’s finally some clarity in the chaos that lives in my head. And when I say some... well it’s not much but it’s enough to at least try to organize my thoughts.

This is all great but where is the work? The brush to paper. The water that bleeds the color?

I have a focus. A niche. But voice? Did I lose it? How can you lose something that’s never been found.

I remember a big voice that now seems small and distant.

It slurred once. A few times. More than I’d like to admit.

I’m grateful it’s distant.

Voices change. Overtime. I’m learning.

I stop and think about purpose, service, and mindfulness.

The stories that live inside me and my journals. Is there a story? Do I have one? Everyone does. But as artists, sometimes we fight ourselves on whether it’s worth telling.

Being caught between two cities.

Caught between two cultures.

Lost.

Found, in pieces. Some are missing. So I start over with the ones I’m able to collect. There’s a story there. A few.

I’m fearful and excited at the same time.

I hear, that’s a great place to be.

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cactigratitudelove · 5 years

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Earthly “Things”

Sometimes my thoughts are scattered in so many directions that my heart can’t help but feel exhausted.

I step outside.

My thoughts dissipate.

New ones float up at the sight of earthly “things.”

Color.

Gradient.

Light.

Shadow.

Growth.

Progress.

Beauty.

Oddity.

Life.

Death.

I see you. Many of you.

I want to pick you. Smell you. Feel you.

Paint you.

I don’t do anything other than gaze at you for a short moment and then photograph you.

I let you be and then save your memory for later when my thoughts are scattered again and when I need you.

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cactigratitudelove · 5 years

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Thoughts Out loud: Decision Making.

This month I’ve been working on Commissions.

These commissions are a great side income. They are also time consuming. They take a lot of time to organize, book, work and complete that in order to work smarter not harder I had to move all commissions to one month this summer. This is my second month of the year that I have done this and have learned from this experience that it works better this way so that I may also put my focus into my projects.

I have dedicated August to completing these commissions, while putting all of my other projects on the back burner.

These August commissions are cute, adorable and fun. Capturing these little creatures (Pet Portraits) to eventually be given as gifts via buyer are enjoyable and rewarding! I really am truly grateful for the opportunity and privilege to be apart of peoples lives in this way. They have supported me and my art. I have also taken this form of income and invested it back into my art business.

But all the while I can’t help but feel torn away from what I truly want/need to do and the projects I want to work on.

My “Day Job” has been a great financial support throughout my transition and settling in but it is also time consuming and leaves little room to work on the projects I’ve been excited about for years. These projects also include updating my portfolio as an illustrator. As much as I want to please people in creating these portraits of their lovelies, I am finally realizing that it’s time to make my work and my art a priority over doing fun but time consuming side incomes through the arts by these types of commissions.

I’m sure many artists go through this. I am one of many.

I think I needed to send this out into the universe in hopes that it will be kind with my focus and moving forward on my journey as an illustrator. I mean, that’s why I moved to New York, no? To find others that dream the dreams I do? To connnect, create and do work in my field? To create, part time, but then slowly but surely create full time?

Big Magic keeps happening. Although I know that if a door shuts before I know it had even opened there will still be many more doors that are about to open... and will open.

I want-I need to be ready for them.

I am patient but I also know that luck is simply preparation meeting opportunity.

It’s time to prepare.

-A

PS. Commissions (Custom Orders) and Pet Portrait orders are currently closed with no upcoming waitlist. They will be closed until further notice. I will be finishing out my last orders this month, for the year 2019.

Thank you for understating. 💛

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cactigratitudelove · 5 years

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I may not have cacti available within walking distance anymore but I’m definitely admiring what New York parks have to offer. My jog in Riverside was gorgeous today. Lots of love all around.

#newyorkparks #newyorkcity #nyc #nyclife

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cactigratitudelove · 5 years

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Q: How long does it take you to do this type of work?

A: Depends on the deadline. I can produce/complete a project with quick turn around, quickest, in a week. MAYBE less. But sometimes my most favorite work is work like this one where I can take my time and revisit with layers until I feel it is finally ready.

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cactigratitudelove · 5 years

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Aloe Vera.

A gift on my 33rd birthday this year from my New Yorker prima.

My first memory with this plant are of my mom cutting off a piece of our aloe that grew like weeds in our desert city housing growing up. Scrapes, cuts, burns, stomach healing... I thought it was a mom thing. 💛

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cactigratitudelove · 5 years

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Empire State of Mind

Sometimes darkness comes in the form of exhaustion, insomnia and small spaces with low lighting. It comes with being surrounded by thousands daily on your commute and feeling the most alone you've felt in such a long time.

And by you, I mean, me.

Small amounts of darkness that trickle through mostly well lit areas. Causing the fear that past depression experiences will take over the transition I am currently in.

Patience.

I wait. I am strong. I have family, friends, and support. I am loved, missed and wanted. I am appreciated. I am grateful. I am humbled.

Anxiety, depression, and darkness does not care for gratitude. It thrives on those little chemical thoughts of fear and the lowest part of the struggle. It is the back and forth of guilt and shame. It’s the back and forth of figuring out the difference between the two and thinking I ‘should’ know.

It’s the knowing that I ‘shouldn't’ use the word ‘should.’

It’s the comparison that kills the creative sparks and joy in being a creative. It’s the realization that I am a cliché. It’s the realization that my lovely little cacti city and home did not prepare me for the culture shock of areas in my own country. It’s trying not to be #yesallmen over #metoo. I love you B.

“Woke” on the West Coast is certainly different from “woke” on the East Coast. Race. Religion. Gender. Sex. Diversity. I have so much more to learn.

Mindful.

Thoughts upon thoughts. Written down on morning pages. The guilt for not doing my morning pages everyday. Satisfaction for when they do get done. The shame over not using the tools I know that I know how to utilize. Gratefulness for when I do use them.

Not good enough. Not authentic enough. Not talented enough. Not woke enough. Not Eco-Friendly enough. Not Mexican enough. Not white enough. Not Political enough. Not active enough.

Enough.

Morningside in West Harlem is a gorgeous place to live. Lower East Side is a fun ass place to work. Trains ‘D’ & ‘A’ are the quickest. The ‘1′ train is safer after 2am but takes longer. Did you know pepper spray can only be bought in the city with a license? You can not ship mace to NYC.

I’m currently on that New York Diet: A third floor walk up, walking commutes, bagel & Lox... oh and coffee. Lots of coffee. No one said it was a healthy diet.

Pizza rat. It’s a thing. Summer in the subway is truly hell but City Mappers is a god send. Reading on the train helps avoid eye contact with unwanted interactions while also giving time to finally finishing a book for once. “Fuck Politeness!”-MFM.

Sharing a Lyft with a stranger saves you money and can be the most quiet commute of your life. Brooklyn is the hip and artsy place to be. Gentrification. It’s a thing-Harlem is “Up and Coming.” Astoria is the safest. Chelsea for the galleries. High Art vs. Low Art. Avoid Time Square in every way possible. A jog in central park. Thoughts of Korey Wise, Kevin Richardson, Antron McCray, Yusef Salaam, and Raymond Santana. Thoughts of Trisha Meili. Thoughts of those who've jogged these paths before me and the history I have yet to know.

New York based sitcoms and shows are relatable AF but will never truly capture the heart and soul of the city. AND, one hundred percent, won't tell you the truth about New York apartments and boroughs... Hannah Horvath lied to us all millennial non-New Yorkers. Hashtag white privilege.

I think Abbi and Ilana speak the closest truth. Maybe. Yass Kweeeen!

I’d be down for a more diverse New Yorker show... Just sayin.’

I’d be down for more diverse shows in general... Also, just sayin’

Beauty. Essex. Delancey. F,M, and J Trains. Champagne brunch. Live saxophones. Go-go dancers. “Any Allergies or any dietary restrictions?” Darwinism? L.E.S. (That's short for Lower East Side-New Yorkers love their acronyms.) “Put a pep in your fucking step!” Being in the weeds at a top restaurant in NYC is no where near being in the weeds at a mom and pop. Family meal is questionable today. And tomorrow.

“Ryan, are you like my ‘Simone?’” The book Sweet Bitter is relatable in more ways than one. I love my day job. Grateful for sobriety. Grateful for Sobriety in L.E.S. My younger self in NYC would have been a shit show. I was a shit show. There are other people in NYC that are sober! Who’d-a thought! P.S. Sobriety doesn't mean greens are off the table. Why isn't it legal here yet? Progressive much, New York? I love sleep.

Dog walkers are honestly, truly the best sight to see. My heart. It grows. Every time.

“You work hard for the American dream?”

Far Rockaway Beach isn’t really that far. Take the ‘A’ for a quick getaway. "You’re from Jersey City?” Googles: “Where is Jersey City?” Amtrak gets you to New Hampshire in five hours. A five hour work day on the train is sometimes better than two hours in some coffee shops in Manhattan. NH is beautiful in the summer. Cooler. In-person friendship is beautiful for the soul. Ponds are the size of lakes. I’m from the desert, how am I suppose to know the difference? New England is patriotic As Fuck. Can’t wait to see the fall foliage. Apparently it is definitely a thing.

Rejuvenation.

Note to self: A quick trip out of the city is required for mental hygiene. A dose of nature, occasional hugs, and laughter is highly recommended for future survival in the concrete jungle.

Hopeful.

My ducks are in a row. My planner is filling up with hope. My hustle is real. Society of Illustrators hasn't changed since my visit in 2015. My personal projects are visualizing, slowly but surely. Asana and Ink & Volt keep me organized. Being vulnerable has helped me start connecting. Connections help motivate. Motivation keeps me creating. But, like, also... Sometimes you just gotta fucking do it.

Belonging.

Naive at thirty-three. The city has made me see how young I must seem to others. My reactions and the way I think. The experiences I thought gave me a proper age have proven that I still have more to explore. I feel nerdy. I feel out of place. I feel like an outsider. I feel young. I feel like I don’t belong. Sometimes. And then I do. Then I feel at home.

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” -Brené Brown

In the moment of loss, I found the way to find self-acceptance, again. It’s a journey. Didn’t they tell you? Transitions are funny that way. They question who you are and why this change was so important even when you thought you already knew all the answers.

Cacti, Love and Gratitude.

Therapy. “Scheduling before shit hits the fan?” Woah, that sounds way too healthy. “But, you’re right. Wednesday session, three weeks from now?”

I have a day job. I have a roof over my head. I have reactivated the reason I travelled across country to be in a city that tells it like it is and has a lot of rats to race. It’s gonna be almost three months. Apparently, I am right on schedule.

I am the cliché.

The little light I do have that seeps through the one window in my closet sized room that faces another wall, surprisingly, now gives me hope. This first New Yorker’s apartment with four other roommates has finally shown it’s charm. Or maybe I have lightened up to see what charm it had all along.

-A

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” -Brené Brown

#desertrat #cityrat #nyclife #nyctransit #brene brown #vulnerability

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cactigratitudelove · 5 years

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2018 The Year of Self-Care

A note: How can I be selfish and be with anyone else when I needed time to heal myself from my own heartbreak and abuse. How can I be my best self for someone else when I wasn’t my best self for me. Sober from alcohol but still fight addiction in other forms. I see a therapist. I see a nutritionist. This path has shined the light on the “why.” Why? is something bigger than myself and a journey I am finally on. Getting to this step has been rough and has only started but took a year and four months to get too.

This start gives me faith and hope in myself.

I like me. I love me. And I love spending time with me. How selfish. How lovely. This concept of sobriety and abstinence can be confusing to many but eye opening to the ones who are observant, understanding and kind. My other half is myself. She deserves this time. She’s worked hard for this time.

Today- 1 year and 4 months sober along with 1 year and 4 months of purposefully living single and taking care of me.

#sobriety #soberlife #soberliving #artist #art #singlelife

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cactigratitudelove · 5 years

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Today I am one year and four months sober. <3

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cactigratitudelove · 6 years

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Today I Turn Thirty-Two.

CACTI- The Saguaros are fruitful this time of year. The buds have bloomed and left the fruit opening up. They remind me of The Demogorgon from Netflix’s ‘Stranger Things.’ Alien-like, creepy but with this gorgeous bright crimson/cadmium red mixture complimenting the saguaro’s green skin. Birds and bats are excited. I feel lucky enough to witness the feeding or seeing the fruit leftovers on the dirt floor.

Tumamoc Hill has given Tucsonians and city desert dwellers the oppurtunity to observe such wilderness while still being in the urban area. Its like a ‘cacti oasis’ in the middle of a concrete desert. Over the years, during my hikes up the steep beast of a hill I have seen a Tarantula and a Tarantula Hawk Wasp (Now known as The Jumanji Bug as my niece calls it) duke it out, a losing battle for the overgrown spider. I have seen mischievous javelina and the silhouettes of doe. I’ve had rattle snakes cross my path bringing desert luck and have heard the cries of the coyote pack under the hazy starry sky.

Many moons have shined its light on my pathway up. The sunrise and sunset’s breeze has cooled my body on the way down. Tumamoc Hill has been my therapy lately. Helping me cope. Helping me live.

GRATITUDE- I turn 32 at 11:25 today.

I am grateful.

I am grateful for my friends and family that take the time to get me going, moving, and light a spark in being active again. -For hiking the desert hills, for running neighborhood 5ks, for morning wakeup texts and check-ins. For the crazy early morning spin class that felt like I was on the set of a RomCom with my besties. I hope that I can be this kind and empathic to my friends in time of need. They have carried me through more than they know.

I am grateful for mi familia. My loving, caring familia. I love you.

I am grateful for my landlords and neighbors. -For the relationships that have developed on a deeper level in the last year, for the talks of wisdom, history of the neighborhood and the kindness shown upon me in a time of loss. I am grateful for my neighbors who have allowed me to baby sit their plants giving me access to their gorgeous oasis of a backyard that includes a pool, perfect for these scorching hot desert summer days. There’s a sense of community I am apart of and am present for even more so, lately.

I am grateful for the supporters of my work. -For those who feed into my talent and creative being, who believe in me, who support my path, who let me share into the joy created by the work I do for them. Although I am in an odd place in my personal artwork I am grateful for those who keep me creating even when I am not feeling my very best creative self. It helps me practice and realize that its not just for me. Making others feel joy adds to the endorphins of hope.

Today I find gratitude in where I am in life. I am over 10 months sober and finding love and happiness again with myself at 32. There are tools I have learned over the last 10 months. Some are from Don Miguel’s ‘Mastery of Love’ and ‘The Four Agreements.’ Some of these are from Elizabeth Gilberts, ‘Big Magic’ and others from the big book of AA. Ive also found help through a dietician. Our sessions have helped with stress eating, binge eating, and my body image. I am finding clarity and focusing on my emotions rather than weight loss. I find gratitude in the seasons my body goes through, throughout the year and throughout my time on earth. A thirty-two year old body is obviously different from a twenty-eight year old body or a twenty four year old body. When it comes down to it, I love being active despite what my body looks like but I am also learning to love it for all that it is and can do. I have always loved the way the tones of my body change through Fall, Winter and Spring but my favorite is the Summer. It’s where the sun kisses my skin and adds layers upon layers of this silky caramel brown color. This is where I feel my most comfortable self when I look into a mirror. Most in love. Dark with the sent of coco butter and Victoria’s Secret’s Tease. The combination, I have been told, by my favorite Parisian, whom I met summers ago, is “Gingerbread”.

I am grateful for The Artist’s Way. A book that has given me new tools and appreciation. Through assignments and tasks I have found some clarity to the path I am on and headed in the right direction for me, conquering fear, being vulnerable, and being present through it all. A book recommended by my self-help soul sista who I admire and love and yet we have lived our whole lives miles apart. (Soon to be neighbors a year from now)

Using these tools have opened up new areas in my heart, mind, and soul. Its almost as if I was being set up. “Here are the tools Adela. You will need them more than ever when the darkness comes. You will want to give up and go back to old ways. You will be angry, frustrated and confused with this loss you are going to experience but here are the tools you need to get through it. Practice them, pray to your ‘god of love and energy,’ and meditate to listen. Its a confusing time but you have what you need, the tools you've been working with in the last ten months.

LOVE- I find that I’m falling in love again... with myself.

Today during my morning pages I had a sense of clarity on this subject. I am single. (For over 10 months now) Like SINGLE, single. (I giggle as I type this). There are no distractions of romantic intimacy in my daily routine. This current state of life is intentional. My past love life IS fun, exciting, dramatic, and adventurous. When I fall in love I fall hard. When I experience love I am in it and then sometimes I am not. I have come to learn a lot about myself and who I am within relationships, dating and finding out what I want and don't want in a partnership. Being alone for this long has had its ups and downs. I’ve felt lonely, sexually frustrated, and unsure. Then I found a sense of self, released my frustration, and have never been more sure. Falling in love with yourself is an interesting experience. I am still processing. I am currently on a high of clarity and love. This is the season I am in.

Music is a tool that has brought me here. I am in love with music. I am in love with what it does when you let go and listen. It goes through the ears and straight through my body releasing emotions of love, happiness, sadness and brings to life memories or creates new ones. Like I said, when I fall, I fall hard in love. And for this, I am grateful. I love creating playlists on Spotify and have created one in particular that I dedicated to my self. My mixtape, to myself called “Falling in Love, Again.” Sabrina Claudio is on this playlist. Her love songs give me the feels of hope and satisfaction. Kali Uchis is also on it, (recommend by a bestie who is also living the sober life). Uchis, creates a spanglish love affair throughout her music. My love life today, with myself, IS fun, exciting, a bit less dramatic and awaits adventures I set up for myself soon. I guess I’ve bee #feelinmyself lately and I’m #notsorry. (Wait are these hashtags no longer cool? *Insert ‘IDK’ emoji*

So all this bliss, this high... it’s bound to come down to a low eventually right? And indeed it does. My demons and stuggles are a thing. An on going battle. I am writing this last paragraph the days after my birthday. I saved this blog post and thought I’d see. Wait it out. Will I still be as happy and sure? The next day I was not. I realized reality hits, and loss and grief is still very present. The stress and sadness is still very much alive. I spent the 21st of June depressed and in bed all day until I forced myself to get up and water the neighbor’s plants, then also decided to jump into the pool realizing my bed can be a very dark black hole. I am grateful I had the responsibility over someone else’s treasures that happen to be life. If they don't get watered, they die. And in this 100 degree weather, they wouldn't last a day without it. And so I am grateful for this. I am posting this almost two weeks later and rereading it has created even more confidence that life is meant to be enjoyed, birthdays are meant to be celebrated and the darkness is meant to be felt and processed. I leave to Mexico for a few weeks and although there is fear that was created based on the ending of my last trip, I am acknowledging it. I am letting it sit with me on my travels but it will not have control or take the reins. It will not keep me from experiencing something I’ve wanted to experience for so long. It will not keep me from fun, excitement and adventures. It will not create guilt or shame. With its name on the chair, it will simply just sit there.

The cacti are fruitful and therapeutic. I am truly grateful for many things.

And I am in love...

Again.

Falling in Love, Again: https://open.spotify.com/user/1218042738/playlist/18QVyTpI6UM3dLnFyJafqw

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cactigratitudelove · 6 years

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Cacti, Gratitude, and Always Love.

As I write this I find myself filled with so many emotions that I can hardly figure out what I want to get out or what I want to say. Do I even want to say anything any more? Do I even feel anything matters anymore? When I created this page specifically to start a blog about my last year in Tucson, I created it with the intent of fulfilling out my AZ/Tucson Bucket list while also spreading the love I have for Tucson and its community. It was before my last few markets of the season, after I decided to get a newsletter going for my website and then before I left last week for my AZ camping trip to the Grand Canyon, Antelope Canyon, Horseshoe Bend, then solo dispersed camping in Flagstaff and Sedona. I figured I’d have this great time to finally get some nature, breathe, step back and figure out my next steps in Tucson before I leave to NYC next spring.

My nine year old nephew passed away suddenly wednesday night.

What was life like before this nightmare I find myself currently in?

Before all this, I was going through eight months of sobriety from Alcohol, trying to find spiritual guidance, dealing with financial issues, trying to adult as much as I could while also trying to find balance with family and friends. I realized I was being a hermit as well. I am not known for being a hermit. The Adela I know is social and doesn't let fear stop her. Fear of being financially stuck, fear of taking on work and then not get paid like I have experienced twice this year aleady, both by local companies in the community I really enjoyed and believed in. I noticed I was also supplementing food in place of binge drinking. I binge(d) on food, Netflix and somehow still kept doing the work towards goals knowing things would get better if only I was more focused on work and less on myself. Or maybe less on work and more on myself. I’ve done sobriety before, why is it so much harder this time around? I stopped going out. I decided to continue not dating since being back in Tucson from my Alaska summer. (This was more so that I can find balance within myself again). I found myself hustling like I do. Trying to create and get paid for it. Taking on as much as I could to pay the bills while also picking up shifts at the bar. It might seem like I have my shit together from the outside but on the inside I have no idea wtf I am doing. I’m just trying to learn as much as I can from other people that are doing what I want to do but I keep finding myself lost, stuck and then fear takes over. Tucson has been wonderful to me so I of course feel the guilt that if I leave, I leave my home, support system and friends. I’ll leave a place I am passionate about and yet if I don't leave I’ll never be able to financially support myself in the arts the way I want to. I keep thinking, “Someday, if I can just get enough regular clients, creative work and income to pay the bills, keep a roof over my head with clothes and to travel on a frugal budget to support my inspiration for the work I do then I will have made it.” This is what success would mean for me. No fancy cars, no condo or property, not even a love of my life by my side. I just want to be able to support myself and my dreams in the most minimal way without financial stress.

These were all my concerns, fears, and selfish thoughts before I found myself here.

On Monday May 21st, I and my family buried my nine year old nephew. The Wednesday before he had been playing, enjoying life until he no longer was and left this world in a way I can't help but hurt for him. I can't imagine what those last moments were like but I would hope that he knew that he was loved. Braxton was loved so much. Hearing the news while I was in Page, AZ I still couldn't grasp what had happened. I kept thinking that I would wake up. That I was still in my shitty sleep and life would be okay again. Life is not okay and it won't be. Not now anyway. On my trip back from Page, Thursday after I heard the news from his Tia who was at the hospital the night before, I kept thinking of ways I can do my part to help my family, the guilt I had for not seeing him as often as I wanted to, or even just sometimes brushed off and thought I’d just see him another time when I am not as busy. The last time I saw him was on his birthday in February. Its been killing me that it wasn't sooner. A seven-ish hour trip back home. A seven-ish hour trip of mindfuck, “If only I had a car to pick him up when I wanted. If I had stopped taking on too many things I could have seen him more. I should have been more patient with him. I should have been more present with him. I never got to take him out on a one on one outing that I wanted with him. I didn’t get to say goodbye or that I loved him since his birthday. I should have...” Everything else went out the window. I needed to be there for my sister, my mom and the rest of this family and his. I needed to be strong. To put in the work where I was needed. And thats what I did. My back from the trip ‘To Do’ list went from emailing clients to emailing a best friend to proof read a child’s obituary. I created the Prayer card, obituary, and helped type up a eulogy for my sister, his Auntie to read. I helped pick out his flowers and clothes for the funeral. These tasks are unlike any other.

The heartbreak, anxiety, sadness, loss is truly unlike any feelings I have ever felt in the 31 years of being on this earth. You expect death to happen but you don't expect it to happen to a child. Your own nephew, grandson, brother or son. God didn’t give us time to accept this. Didn’t give us time to process this. He was taken from us. Just like that.

Mi familia is a big family. I have seven siblings. Five of them have kids. Four of their kids have kids. And that’s just within the immediate family. If there is one thing that god was showing us, is that this family is strong. This family is everything to one another. This family comes through when the time comes. This is the first our hearts have been broken in such a way. My sister’s son was like a son to all five sisters. We all had our love and stories to share. We all set our differences aside and showed all the support and love. My sister lost her son, we may never know that exact pain but we do know that we love her to the moon and back. She is everything to this family. We all are everything to this family and I saw that clearly this week.

Braxton’s support system is not only through immediate family (His Dad and dad’s family is also just as loving and supportive) but also through the community. There’s a GoFundMe page created for his funeral starting at $9,000 and it raised over $11,000 and still going. I reached out to the community on FB and even found that my own friends and friends of friends in Tucson, Florida, California, etc gave what they could in support of this family. My best friends, co-workers and even the lady at Fed-Ex whom printed the obituary, cards and photos were all super supportive in ways I didn't know I or my family needed. And for this I find myself with more gratitude in life than I have ever thought I did. I am so grateful and appreciate every single text, comment, call, and hug. My love for the Tucson community and online community will always be great.

Throughout the most difficult time I have ever experienced, I didn’t drink. I wanted to be sober and present (although I felt zombie-like). At the service I mentioned to one of my sister’s, “This, right here is the moment I want a bottle of vodka. I big fucking bottle of vodka. No other time, just right now.” I had seen my nephew and said good bye. He was so cool and stylish with his cute outfit we picked out for him with the Avengers t-shirt showing through his dress shirt. I wanted him to wake. I wanted him to just be sleeping. I wanted him to call me the face painting lady again. I also wanted to drown this away with a bottle. I wanted to join others and partake in numbing the pain. But I knew that black outs weren't the only reason I become sober nine months prior. I wanted to be a better person for myself and for others. My best self for my family and friends. For my munchkins. I wanted my nieces and nephews to see their independent, hustling, Tia sober and some day go on adventures with. To be an example for them. To know and share the struggle for them so they wouldn't have too. To be a good example, a mentor, a supportive friend. The only way I can be those things is if I abstain from alcohol.

My landlord sent me a text the morning of the funeral with a photo of a blooming Queen of the Night Cacti. Just one that bloomed in the night. With the photo the text read, “The Casita had a visitor last night... your nephew came by to tell you he is ok. I also saw a palomita underneath the flower...” My favorite cacti flower. It blooms at night and only lasts through the morning. I miss you Braxton. I miss you so much and love you, always.

This blog will be as I intended it to be but it will also not be the same as I thought it to be. I am not the same I thought I’d be driving back home to Tucson this week. I do not have the same heart I once did. My family, my sister, my ex-brother in-law, and nieces, sisters of Braxton will never be the same. The world, to me, will never be the same again. I hurt and I know I will need to get back to work and life because I am sure it carries on just the same but today, right now nothing matters to me except my thoughts of missing him and wishing I had more time.

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