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kandismon · 7 years

Note

Would you be okay sharing how you make money from your art now, and how you got there? You seem so happy in that post you made a while back, and in your tags sometimes!

hiya nonny

sorry for the late reply, i knew i wanted to take some time to answer this properly and i had to wait until now ;;;;;;;;;;

i hope you’re still around to read it ;;;;;

i’m gonna put this under a read more because i ended up rambling and wrote an entire essay (and it’s probably way too honest but that’s the only way i know how to talk to people and maybe someone can get something out of this lolol)

1. HOW THE HECK DID I GET HERE

i used to be stuck in a job a couple of years ago that not only bored the hell out of me but also gave me nightmares for the longest time for various reasons and it ended up draining all of my energy and for a while i wasn’t able to enjoy what i love most, which is, of course, drawing. i’m not good at leaving thoughts and worries regarding work at my workplace, i’m the type to take it all home with me and it made me become apathetic and unable to get excited over anything and i could practically feel my motivation to create anything leave me.

at that time i started noticing that my audience had grown quite a bit over the years and i was already doing a few commissions here and there and i had sold a couple of fanbooks, and those were things i really loved doing, but, as mentioned above, at that time i didn’t really have the energy to focus on that because i was still wasting most of my day with that unsatisfying job.

thanks to my partner, who kept kicking my ass for a while, i ended up looking for a new job, found a shop that was looking for someone to hire part-time, i applied, got it and quit my old job the next day.

part-time seemed great, because it meant i’d have double the time to work on art and commissions and also i was probably going to be able to sleep well again because i didn’t have to worry about what was going on at my old workplace anymore, right?

…. wrong.

while i really liked working at that shop, it took up a lot of time too in the end, due to extra-time, extra (non-paid) responsibilities and interpersonal problems. also i suck at saying no to people, so bye-bye time for art and welcome back nightmares.

while working there, more and more commissions started coming in, my audience kept growing slowly but steadily, people were actually interested in comics and products i made ?? and i didn’t make a lot of money back then by a long stretch but it was just. so. fulfilling. i love doing commissions, i love drawing stories and sharing them, and there’s no better feeling than making a thing yourself and ending up with the finished product in your own hands, and my wish to freelance more came from these experiences.

meanwhile the situation at work started pissing me off more and more and i was close to saying fuck it and quitting so so often and, well, last year i finally did (again thanks to my partner for listening to my rants and also kicking my butt to get the hell out of there LOL)

i was considering looking for yet another job but tbh after all these years i’m tired of having to deal with authority figures that pay you jackshit for your work but try to push you around 24/7 and bend you to their will because they don’t give a fuck about their employees and only care about $$$ (or maybe i’m just too stubborn and can’t deal with people who try to tell me what to do [i’m pretty sure that’s the main issue tbh lolol])

so i decided to try and become an independent artist full-time. which is still risky but

a) if i don’t try it, i’ll regret it for the rest of my life

b) i have no one i have to support financially except for myself, so in case i fail the only person who’ll get in trouble is me, which is very convenient ??

for various reasons i had no choice but to jump right into this without feeling prepared enough at all BUT i still think it’s gonna work out somehow. i’ve learned a lot these last couple of weeks/months and i’m positive that it’s going to be Just Fine.

2.) WHAT THE HECK AM I ACtuALLY DOING

i do still feel like i have no idea what i’m doing most of the time, so take everything below with a bit of skepticism but i think i’ve been doing some things right without even realising it.

like, even though quitting my job and deciding to work as an artist was a very impulsive decision, i think i fulfill the necessary requirements for it to work out:

i had some money saved up that could help me survive for a few months if i ended up not being able to make any money for a while

i already had freelance jobs lined up and projects i was working on that would provide me with some sort of income

and it’s been working out so far ??? (let’s talk again in a few months when i realise all the things i’ve forgotten or fucked up)

things i noticed during that time, that i need to fix/work on/learn:

i need to raise my prices again or come up with a better system like ?? patreon at some point in the future maybe (because at this rate i have to draw at least 20 commissions each month JUST to make enough money to pay rent and insurance, and while jobs are coming in, which is great, i’m going to kill myself sooner rather than later with this workload)

i need to figure out a way to reduce the time i spend each day with just answering emails/messages/asks/mentions because it takes away a lot of time that i should spend drawing and while i really want to reply to everyone who takes the time to write me, i just can’t do it anymore without losing too much time orz so i’m trying to think of a solution, like a ?? monthly post in which i just reply to questions i’ve gotten a lot or something IDK

taxes wtf

as much as i love doing commissions, i do need to find a way to be able to work just as much on personal projects, because in the end that’s what i really want to do and what gives me the needed motivation to wake up in the morning and continue to work hard on myself and my skills

speaking of mornings, i need to find a daily routine again, my hours are all over the place, which i had decided i would allow myself for some months but it’s time i made a proper schedule that i can stick to

anyway, my current income consists of commissions, leftover comic sales and nice people who send me donations through ko-fi ; ;

at the end of the month i have not actually made any money though, usually i have a bit of a loss but that’s fine since i’m just starting out and you can never expect to make profit immediately when you start a business. i’m still figuring things out and will hopefully manage to actually make enough money to live off soon lol;;;;;;;;;;

i hope this ?? answers your questions?? if there’s anything else you wanna know, feel free to ask &i’ll try to not take 3 months to reply LOL

i’m more than willing to share whatever little experience and knowledge i can offer, i don’t believe in keeping things to yourself just so that nobody else can benefit from them, i think it’s much better to share information and help each other out if possible ;;;;

also i’m sorry if this is too much information that nobody asked for, i have never learned how to get to the point quickly OTL

#Anonymous #answered #hits posts before i change my mind aaaaaaa

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sinkix · 4 years

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Haikyuu!!│Boys going grocery shopping w/ you! HC’s│Ft. Bokuto, Nishinoya, Terushima, Kuroo & Kunimi

I had this late night idea and just HAD to follow through, the chaos would be O F F T H E C H A R T S. Thank you to @deathcab4daddy for helping me brainstorm some good characters for this post lmao I love you bby and can’t wait to do a collab. <3

E N J O Y ~

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

BOKUTO:

WHEN I TELL YOU THIS BOI PICKS UP EVERYTHING IN SIGHT LIKE A 6 YEAR OLD

I FUCKING MEAN IT.

“(Y/N) we need this”

“Bokuto we do not need a 7th jar of peanut butter.”

“But (Y/N) it has a squirrel on the front-”

“BOKUTO I SWEAR TO GOD”

Tries to drift on the edge of the cart like something straight outta CSGO and the cart nearly obliterates under his weight.

V e r y l o u d u n e c c e s s a r i l y.

Everyone always stares at y’all when you’re going through the isles bc ur literally escorting a man-child sprawled in a shopping cart who’s going “OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” at everything he sees like he’s a toddler at the zoo who’s never encountered a chimpanzee before.

Unless you have a bottomless bank account do NOT take him shopping of any kind he is LETHAL.

When you’re at the check-out he turns it into a basketball competition and tries to launch everything perfectly on to the conveyor belt.

Volleyball player? Nah this sis with the NBA now.

Do not ask him to go get something, he will return with at least 9 items you didn’t need and everything BUT the item you requested

He turned up with a whole ass pineapple, a jar of jam, a stick of butter and a bottle of olive oil.

Like,,,where is the correlation in those items???

Once made the mistake of asking him to grab some pads from the hygiene section and specified it HAD to be with wings

Boy showed up ten minutes later and looking very confuzzled.

You questioned why he has a pack of wingless pads in one hand and a can of red bull in the other.

He said it’s because they didn’t have any with wings so he figured the Redbull would suffice and do the job for you.

NISHINOYA:

Can literally fit him in the little cart seat made for kids and he LOVES it lmaoooo IT’S SO CUTE MY HEART.

HE JUST SWINGS HIS LEGS EXCITABLY WHILE YOUR GETTING STUFF AAAAAAA

Ppl give you such weird looks though bc you have a guy who’s at least 14 years older than the intended demographic sitting there and raising his hands in elation over you copping a cookie dough pie and chucking it in.

Again, another who is VERY LOUD FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

Get’s out of the cart after a while bc his legs be growing numb and begins roaming around.

Someone came back with a feral Noya in hand stating “Is this your child” WNDKJWEFNWJEF.

M’AM HE’S LIKE 18 EXCUSE YOU.

Was salty about it for the rest of the day.

Just ruffle his hair and call him Senpai

Problem solved.

Picks up tons of exotic fruit that look more like plastic or fuzzy poisonous plants and begs you to get them.

“Noya what the fuck is that.”

“...a Pitaya.”

“...”

“Can we get it-”

“no.”

“(Y/N)-”

“I SAID NO DAMMIT”

Last time you bought some strange fruit he took it to practise and got Tanaka to spike it LMAOOO

IT SPLATTERED E V E R Y W H E R E

AND OVER DAICHI’S SHIRT.

He begged you to no longer allow Noya to purchase weird fruits from then on since he is like a child with a nerf gun.

He once picked up a phat wrinkly purple fruit and turned to you asking if it was an overgrown raisin.

“Noya sweetie that’s a Date.”

HE FULLY TSK’ED AND THREW IT BACK SINCE IT REMINDED HIM OF DATE TECH I CAN’T.

My boy out here defending Asahi even in the Grocery Isles.

We stan a loyal king.

TERUSHIMA:

Another one who tries to stand on the ledge and the cart wheels almost collapse because it wasn’t designed to hold the weight of a young adult.

Oh young adult??? Sorry I mean’t MAN CHILD.

He treats a shopping experience as a time to practise his aim apparently because he ALWAYS THROWS SHIT AT YOU TO THE POINT YOU’RE THREATENED TO BE KICKED OUT.

Definitely picks up phallic looking objects and places them against his crotch, snorting and saying “Like what you see (Y/N)?”

Homeboy is stood there in front of a wife and child presenting his cucumber appendage for the world to see.

He once grabbed a pair of fat ass melons and pressed them against his chest, shaking them and belting the lyrics to ‘My Milkshake’ while begging you to SQUEEZE HIS MELONS.

“Look (Y/N) they’re bigger than yours!”

I just-

I give up.

Constantly tries to sneak mutli-packs of energy drinks into the cart to the point you’re convinced he is going to keel over from heart failure and kidney stones by the age of 20.

Has his airpods in 90% of the time and treats the isles as his personal dance floor.

He busting them MOVES and performing the MJ moonwalk while in the dairy section.

ONCE HE SLID TOO FAST AND SLIPPED ON HIS REAR IN FRONT OF LIKE 12 PEOPLE LMAOO

He was DEAD silent the rest of the trip.

Probably the most serene shopping experience you’ve had to date.

The checkout clerks occasionally hit on Mr. Sore-Ass over here.

Until he opens his mouth and they realise he’s a total dolt and question how you have the patience for him.

You don’t know either honestly.

The whole bagging experience is spent with them shooting you sympathetic glances as if to say ‘sis you shoulda’ left him at home’.

Yes, yes you should have.

Never a dull moment with Teru as your shopping partner.

KUROO:

LITERALLY LIKE A MIDDLE-AGED MAN OR A TODDLER WHEN Y’ALL GO SHOPPING THERE IS NEVER AN EVEN MIDDLE-GROUND.

Frequently cracks lame-ass food puns or dad jokes that make you want to crawl into a hole and die.

You have competitions on who can come up with the most and the loser always faces a penalty.

Kuroo and creating penalties do NOT mix safely so you better hope you win.

“I love you a waffle lot.”

Proceeds to hold up a wrapped waffle.

Ok that one was kinda cute you’ll let it slide.

“I ap-peach-iate you Kuroo.”

Cue HyenaLaugh.mp3

“Want a pizza me baby? Bitch peas, doughnut take me lightly.”

You changed your mind.

You didn’t talk to him the duration of that shopping experience, no penalty could be as horrifying as what just came out of his mouth.

“(Y/N)... sometimes I feel like you don’t carrot all.”

You slapped him with said carrot and obviously had to pay for it after.

You forced him to eat it raw.

He is the definition of Neutral disaster when you go shopping.

Shitty food puns aside, he is actually very responsible when making sure you both get what you need.

Not without tons of poking, prodding, and blowing into your ear while you’re trying to decide what ingredients to buy for dinner.

You contemplated serving him a plate of bubbling snot and moulded broccoli seasoned with rosemary.

Bone apple teeth, bitch.

Ofc you didn’t because he always pulls out the puppy eyes and cuddles card after since he knows he’s well and truly rattled your patience lmao.

Actually picks really healthy food options?? Being the captain of a team he has the responsibility of keeping his health in top condition and leading by example so at least he knows the right ingredients to make a bomb-ass and nutritious meal ig.

Y’all always bicker and tease each other at the checkout which is usually great amusement for the clerk serving you as they often smirk and perceive you as an old married couple.

Which tbh you kinda are, it feels like it at least.

Still such a big asshole though lmao you never leave the store without your sanity being scathed.

KUNIMI:

Honestly just wanted an excuse to make jokes at the expense of the Aoba Johsai teammates.

and what better candidate for cracking these than Kunimi.

He’s a very chill partner to have tag along with you on your endeavours.

Not without some grumbling and groaning on his part though, lazy bitch.

You always finish shopping trips with a busted lung at how much you have been laughing though with some of the SHADY ASS REMARKS HE MAKES ABOUT THE OTHER TEAM MATES.

You were outside the store when you both spotted an angry looking Doberman tied to a nearby post.

“Smh who let Kyotani outside again.”

You hadn’t even set foot in the store yet and he was already spitting flaming insults.

[Walking up to the automatic double doors]

“Damn Oikawa move out of my way.”

Oikawa just tryna live and he keeps getting roasted for his flat cheeks

#StopOikawaAssShaming

Ten minutes of scouring the store later he picks up a spikey Kiwano and compares it to Iwaizumi’s hair.

Proceeds to beg you not to tell my boy Iwa because he KNOWS he will get decked to the gym floor.

Passers by often wonder why you’re wheezing and producing noises like a boiling kettle.

When I tell you no one is safe, I mean N O O N E.

“These Yule logs really out here looking like Matsukawa’s brows.”

The finisher was when Kunimi picked up a turnip and said

“Huh, kinda looks like Kindaichi.”

I just-

He could roast a whole chicken in minutes from the burn of these comments I stg.

You can now never look at the Seijou team without various foods or inanimate objects plaguing your thoughts.

Thanks, Kunimi.

#hq #haikyuu #kuroo tetsurō #nishinoya yuu #bokuto kotaro #terushima yūji #karasuno #johzenji #nekoma #fukurodani #haikyuu headcanons #hq headcanons #haikyuu x reader #aoba johsai #kunimi akira #seijou #seijoh

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scatter-kinnin-patter · 3 years

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YOU WANT MORE COMABUR MEMORIES??? IVE GOT MORE COMABUR MEMS FOR YA!!!

A continuation of this post because I've been digging around and the memories are coming back more and more! Mostly pre-dsmp and S2, S3 is still mostly a blur to me b u t! Under the cut~

So I'll start with some pre-dsmp memories of mine. So as a refresher, my canon had Phil as my dad, Techno as my twin but older by a few minutes, and Tommy as our little brother. I don't remember our mom, though I know we always joked about Philza and the fridge XD I think Tommy was our half-brother, and had a different mom than Tech and I? Still a bit fuzzy on that.

I mentioned how my Tech was a piglin-human hybrid, while I was more "human with very few piglin traits". One thing I remember though was I actually had naturally pink hair that matched Techno's, but I dyed it brown and often wore my beanie to hide when my roots were coming in. I'll explain more why I did this later.

I remember pre-dsmp, I grew up in another smp. SMP's kinda... worked like varying realms one could teleport between? The teleportation was difficult though so there was rarely anyone who'd frequently swap between smps. But I grew up in Earth SMP's Antarctic Empire! Phil raised Techno and I, and later we had Tommy with us too! I remember it was always cold, but in our castle and fortress it was much warmer. Techno, being Techno, was extremely skilled in combat and strategy and Phil took him under his wing(hah!) as the technical heir to the throne and taught him everything he'd need to know about conquest. Me, I preferred teaching myself diplomacy, fighting wars with words rather than with blood. For a time this worked actually, Techno and I really balancing each other out, but soon things got... Eh.

Tommy brought it up to me first, I think he trusted me to open up to more than the others(sorry Tech and Phil but I'm the favorite xoxo /J) and basically opened up about how unhappy he was there. He wanted to explore the world, not be holed up in some frozen corner of the planet going and conquering a bunch of strangers just so we could follow Phil's and Tech's legacy. He felt suffocated in their shadows and... tbh I felt somewhat similar. So we made a plan, and one night we ran away without saying a word... Well, I left Techno a letter, but.

We ran to the portal, and somehow convinced Dream to give us access to the dsmp. I think he agreed because he knew that would knock Techno down a peg(my Dream and Tech were rivals for p obvious reasons). And we started over there. I dyed my hair, we got ourselves a new wardrobe, and we thought starting over in a small place without many people would be good! We lied about our past, though. We didn't want to be connected to the Antarctic Empire... both because we were trying to leave that part of us behind but also so no one would tell Tech and Phil where we were. This was our new start!

AND WHAT DOES TOMMY DO. START A FUCKING WAR WITH DREAM HIMSELF.

Tommy. Ily. But you're so stupid. /lh

So I've talked about how my mems from S1 and half of S2- up to Techno's execution- went, but I've remembered a bit more!

After Techno brought me back to his cabin, we talked for a long time about what happened. I told him I didn't remember anything leading up to my "death", and Techno filled in the gaps for me. I also didn't realize Phil was in the server because... Well I don't remember my confrontation with him. I also didn't remember my hypnosis, and since Dream is the only other one who knew, Tech didn't know and didn't relay that to me.

We agreed that for now, it'd be best if I stayed with him instead of back in L'manburg. And for a while I did!

One day though, Techno finds Tommy. ... Specifically the Tommy that was living under his house like a raccoon. Techno was furious and started chasing Tommy around, who was still hoaring his Gapples and whatnot, and when I finally walked outside to see what the hell was going on, I locked eyes with Tommy, and we both stopped.

He was white as a sheet, and looked about to cry, and luckily Techno stopped chasing him after seeing this. Again, Tubbo Quackity and Ranboo never told Tommy about me, he thought I was dead. I spoke up first with a "Tommy?" And he goes "Wil... You're alive?" To which I started tearing up- "Yeah... Yeah, I'm alive!" And we both just- broke at that, we ran to each other, I nearly crushed him in a hug and we were just sobbing. He thought I was gone, and I had gone so long without seeing my favorite lil bro that just... Aaaaaaa

After that Tommy explained his exile to Techno and I, and why he ran away and lived under Techno's house. I think Techno was softened up by seeing how happy Tommy and I were to be reunited, but also Tommy's his brother too, so he agreed to let Tommy stay too.

Now, Tommy was salty at L'manburg for exiling him, and Techno is anti-government. But- I think Techno was even more against L'manburg because of how hurt Tommy and I came out of it. So Techno and Tommy swore vengeance and decided to start doing crimes against L'manburg. I stayed out of it though- I was in good enough shape to take care of myself by this point, but I still way too injured to be in any sort of fighting shape.

And then one day... Techno came home without Tommy. Turns out Tommy sided with Tubbo in the end... and Techno was still determined to destroy L'manburg. Eventually they broke Philza out and- hoooooo that was an awkward reunion. Dream also came over from time to time to plan for their attack. I was. V uncomfortable around my Dream for reasons I couldn't explain(spoilers: it's the hypnotism that I forgot happened). I wanted nothing to do with their plan. I didn't want Tommy hurt, and I wasn't going to help them hurt him. I should've done more to stop them, but... Can't change the past.

After making a crater where L'manburg was, I confronted Phil. I called him out on doing something so awful... And he called me out for doing the same. He said to me, "Power corrupts, Wil. I've seen it with Schlatt, I've seen it with Tubbo, and most importantly I've seen it with you!" To which I retort, "You see it in everyone but yourself, Phil!" Because... ANTARCTIC EMPIRE ANYONE??? Turns out the Empire disbanded shortly before Tech and Phil came to the server, I don't remember how exactly that falling out occurred, but there was a reason why Tech and Phil were so strongly against any governments at this point.

After our fight, I left Tech and Phil. Tommy needed me. I built my own place not far from the crater, and frequently visited Tommy, Tubbo, and the others. Not Ranboo though, since Ranboo stayed with Phil and Techno. And Niki kinda wouldn't talk to me because she was... def also upset at thinking I was dead.

I was with everyone who confronted Dream when he had his finale with Tubbo and Tommy. He was NOT going to hurt my boys fuck no. Tommy took 2 of Dream's lives and you BET YOUR ASS I WAS CHEERING HIM ON(sorry Dream kinnies ily)

And then. Oh boy. Before Tommy could go for a third... Dream turned to me, and said something- I forget what, maybe it wasn't English, but it snapped something in me. I may have forgotten being hypnotized, but the effects were still there. Something came over me and I everything in my system was screaming at me to attack Tommy... so I did. I screamed, and lunged at him, but I was only able to tackle him and couldn't even get a hit in before Quackity and a few others were able to grab me and pull me off of him. I was thrashing to get free, but thank fuck they held me down.(Big Q ilysm /platonic)

It was then Dream revealed what he did to me way back in Pogtopia. He spoke something again, and I just felt that urge in me drop like a rock through my body, and I fainted then and there. When I came to, Big Q filled me in on what happened. Dream said he was the only one who knew how to undo what was done to me, and if he was killed, they'd run the risk of me doing that again. So they put Dream in the prison.

Now most of S3 is still blurry to me, but I remember breaking into the prison with Tommy. And that confrontation(which would've been Ghostbur if I was canon compliant but nope my canon is OFF THE RAILS). Tommy was with Sam, and I was stuck on the other side with Dream. Dream threatened that if he wasn't let go, he would "reset" me, whatever that meant. There was a lot of arguing and tbh I was terrified, but I knew I couldn't let Dream go. So I looked at Tommy and I told him "It's gonna be okay, Tommy."

And then everything went black. My memories after this are VERY blurry but- I think Dream somehow reverted my mind back to how it was during my Pogtopia corruption arc. And I had that itch in the back of my mind again. I'm the villain. Time to act like one.

... HECK THIS POST GOT REALLY LONG HUH... UHHHH ANYWAYS HOPE YOU LIKED IT IF YOU GOT THIS FAR IM JUST A V CANON DIVERGENT COMABUR >>

#💙wil💙#dream smp kin #dsmp kin #wilbur kin #alivebur kin #vilbur kin #I count as a Vilbur right?#anyways I love how this post became a Tommy Appreciation Post #long post #~memories~#wilbur soot kin

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hopeandcomfort · 5 years

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Travelling All Alone (1/?)

Summary: An angsty 17-year old runaway goes on a road trip with a pissed-off ex-Hydra assassin. What can possibly go wrong?

Note from the author: Aaaaaaa I’m so excited to post the first chapter of this series, my first fic ever! The story will touch on some dark themes in later chapters, but I’ll make sure to use appropriate content warnings when the time comes. Hope you enjoy it!

Characters: Platonic Bucky Barnes x Reader.

Warnings: Explicit language, guns, violence, and angst.

Word Count: 3565.

It was a quarter past midnight on a surprisingly cold night in July. You pulled your oversized denim jacket closer to your body as you stepped off the bus, bitterly regretting your decision to wear a summer dress and a pair of fishnet tights this morning. Christ, it’s fucking freezing! The cold air turned your warm breath into misty clouds as you watched the other passengers disappear into the night.

For a while you stood there as the bus drove away, taking in your surroundings. There wasn’t much to see: The sharp light from a few lamp posts lit up the large, empty parking lot. In the distance you could make out what appeared to be a diner, probably closed for the night. Heaving a deep sigh, you scanned the nearest bus schedule only to remember with disappointment that tomorrow was Sunday. No busses would arrive till Monday morning - you had nowhere to go.

The realization made you cuss loudly. You really hadn’t thought this whole running-away-from-home thing through, and you could feel the panic starting to overwhelm you. During the six hours you had spent on the bus, you had somehow managed to stay calm in spite of everything. Watching the rain drops trickle down your window, you had daydreamed about hot childhood summers spent by the beach, just you and your mom. The memories had drowned out the negative thoughts that were now threatening to overwhelm you as you stood in that deserted parking lot in the middle of fucking nowhere.

You bent over, grasping your knees as you started to hyperventilate. Combined with all the shit that had already happened, the thought of sleeping in the street in this random-ass town nearly made you burst into tears for the second time that day. Pull yourself together, you scolded yourself. This was your own decision, now deal with it!

In a stubborn attempt to calm yourself, you straightened up, took a deep breath, and set off towards the diner you had seen further down the road.

“Give me your backpack. Now!” You froze as you heard the angry voice coming from behind you, silently praying that somehow the command wasn’t meant for you. Hadn’t you been through enough crap for one day?

Scared out of your wits, you slowly turned around. Standing in front of you was a distraught-looking bald man with a gun clenched tightly in his hand. You opened your mouth, weather to speak or to scream you didn’t know.

“If you make a noise, I’ll shoot” he warned you. Terrified, but too stubborn to show it, you swallowed thickly and, with shaking hands, took off your backpack. You didn’t break eye contact with the guy as you placed it on the ground in front of him.

The man stepped closer to you and grabbed the bag, gun still pointed towards you. Carelessly he began to sort through your stuff, making your stomach hurt as he dropped your only belongings onto the hard concrete. You didn’t have to look down to see what was lying in front of you as your heard the sound of glass shattering: It was the framed picture of you and your mom which you had brought with you from home, your happy faces smiling innocently into the camera. Without thinking, you bent down to pick it up.

“Don’t fucking move or I’ll blow your fucking brains out, you hear me?!” Clutching the photograph in your hands, you stared at the bald man in shock as he took a threatening step towards you.

“What else have you got, huh? Any jewelry? A phone? Show me what you’ve got!” With shaking hands, you quickly slipped the photo into the pocket of your denim jacket and pulled out your phone. The man was getting dangerously close now. You could feel his hot breath on your cheek as he pressed the cold metal of his gun against your curly blonde hair. Hot tears were rolling down your cheeks and you stared down at your black boots, not knowing what to do or say.

“Put all of it in the ba-“

“Step away from the kid or I’ll break your goddamn knees.” The new voice was quiet but laced with an unmistakable menace. The man mugging you gasped in surprise and accidentally dropped his gun. As he stumbled to catch it, you caught a glimpse of the dangerous looking man now towering behind him. The only thing you noticed, before he kicked the gunman in the back, was his angry frown and the furious expression in his dark eyes. The impact of the kick made the bald guy stumble to the ground, gasping in pain. As he rolled onto his back, you noticed him eyeing the gun lying on the ground a few feet away.

Mr. Murder-Eyes in front of you took an aggressive step forward. Although you knew that it wasn’t your knees that he was threatening to break, the movement made you gasp and step back anyway. The sound caught his attention and you noticed him glance at you, expression unreadable but definitely less scary than it had been a second before.

It was a brief distraction, but it was enough to encourage the man on the ground to reach for his gun. Noticing his movement out of the corner of your eye, you managed to kick it further away before he could get to it.

For a brief second, you felt pretty smug about your (honestly pretty surprising) swiftness. The moment didn’t last long - you felt a strong hand close around your ankle, and before you knew it, your legs were being pulled out from beneath you and your face was colliding with the wet concrete. You let out a gasp as a sharp pain seared through your forehead and everything went black.

Waking up in the backseat of a stranger’s car should probably have solicited some form of reaction from you. However, the second wave of panic never hit you. All you got was a throbbing headache which you stubbornly decided to ignore. Without moving, you took in your surrounding as well as you could considering that you were lying on the back seat of a dimly lit car.

In the front seat, you could make out the silhouette of a tall man with dark hair, speeding through the streets to get to god knows where. At the back of your mind, you could hear a small voice screaming at you to call the police, get out of the car, or just do something. You were exhausted, however, and that exhaustion seemed to translate into complete emotional numbness. You only had yourself now, and you couldn’t seem to muster up the energy to care about what happened to you.

For a while you just lay there across the black leather seats, street lights flashing by outside. After ten minutes you could feel the car beginning to slow down - you decided it was time to move. With a pained groan you managed to get yourself up into a sitting position.

“Fucking hell,” you mumbled, and lifted a hand to your throbbing forehead. The driver frowned at you in the rearview mirror as he pulled into yet another deserted parking lot. Great.

You glared back at him defiantly, you couldn’t help but notice what appeared to be concern in his dark eyes. Aw, how sweet, you thought. Mr. Murder-Eyes was worried about you!

“You okay back there, kid?” His deep voice was much softer than it had been the first time you heard it. Nevertheless, you weren’t going to trust him. Life had taught you how easy it was to act as if you wanted the best for someone, only to use them as soon as you got the chance. Getting on that bus, you had sworn to yourself that you would never let anyone use you again. With that in mind, you crossed your arms and stared out of the window, voice harsh as you spoke: “Where are we?”

The man shot a quick glance at you over his shoulder. “I err… I drove you to a motel. Seemed like you could use a place to stay.”

Your head snapped back in his direction. You glared as him as you all but exploded: “You mean you kidnapped me? What the hell?? How can you know that my parents aren’t waiting for me at home? They’re probably calling the police right now!”

As soon as you were done yelling, you opened the car door and stepped out onto the second dimly lit parking lot of the night. Feeling yourself about to panic again, you tried to relax and let the numbness overwhelm you. You told yourself that you didn’t really care if you were being abducted. After all, no one else did. The part about your parents had been a lie – you’d only said that they were waiting for you because you didn’t want him to know that you were alone.

You were snapped out of your thoughts as the guy exited his car in the blink of an eye. Before you knew it, he was standing in front of you with his hands held up in front of him, an expression of pure horror painted on his face.

“I, I didn’t! I’m not- I mean…” You watched him stumble over his words. “I didn’t kidnap you. I just …” His expression change from shocked to nervous to angry. “Hell, doll, you blacked out and I- ... I couldn’t just leave you there, could I?”

You crossed your arms, mirroring him, and remained quiet as he towered over you, clearly expecting some sort of answer from you. After glaring at you with furrowed brows for what seemed like an eternity, he took a deep breath and looked down at his feet. When he spoke, his voice was calm. “Your stuff was lying all over the place, I picked it up for you.” He turned to grab your backpack from the passenger seat of his car. He eyed you up and down as he handed it to you, clearly trying to figure you out.

“When I picked your stuff up from the ground, I couldn’t help but notice that you had brought a hell lot of clothes and stuff with you,” he said, hesitantly. “I also found your passport and some cash … Doesn’t seem like something you’d bring if you were just, don’t know, going for a walk or somethin.” It was a statement, but his voice went up a little towards the end as if it was actually a question.

Although you managed to keep a calm expression, you were honestly taken aback by how much he’d been able to tell just from the content of your bag. You contemplated lying to him before you remembered that you really didn’t have anywhere to go. To make matters worse, your head felt like it was going to explode. You were just about ready to black out from exhaustion.

“Alright, then, Mr. Private-Investigator.” Even you could hear how half-hearted your sarcasm was. You glanced at the large fluorescent MOTEL sign on the other side of the parking lot. “Let’s say for the sake of argument that I don’t have anywhere to stay. What do you suggest?”

“Well, I was going to book a room for myself in there.” He gestured towards the motel and looked at you wearily, probably well aware of how creepy he sounded. Still, he added: “I can book one with an extra bed. Perhaps take a look at that head wound of yours.” He glanced at your forehead, frowning in concern. You stared at him with a guarded expression.

Okay, Y/N. Be honest with yourself. How likely is it that this guy is a murderous rapist psychopath? Well, you thought, he had threatened to break someone’s knees earlier. But that asshole had it coming, didn’t he?

As you stood there, contemplating your next move, you eyed him up and down, just as he had done with you a few minutes earlier. From the looks of it, he was at least fifteen years older than you. His hair was long and brown, his chiseled jaw covered by a short, well-kept beard. Appreciatively you noted that black seemed to be the overarching theme of his personal aesthetic. He was wearing a dark red hoodie with a black leather jacket on top, black jeans, black boots, and black gloves. Hell, he even had a black car - which, by the way, looked amazing.

Concentrate, Y/N.

Is he going to kill you?

Probably.

Does it matter?

I guess not.

You took a deep breath.

“Okay,” you said with a shrug, trying to seem like you didn’t really care.

For a second your answer seemed to surprise him, but he quickly gathered himself. Without a word, he turned away from you and marched towards the run-down motel.

For a moment you just stood there, blinking as you stared after the strange man that had just offered to share a room with you.

“Come on, Goldilocks!” He yelled at you over his shoulder, pulling you out of your stupor.

You stubbornly suppressed the smile that was threatening to shape your lips and rolled your eyes instead. With quick steps, you followed him into a motel lobby which reminded you of something out of a Hitchcock film. How on earth had you gotten yourself into this mess?

The green tiles covering the walls of the motel bathroom were reflecting the light of a dusty yellow lightbulb, giving the small room a sickly feel to it. It almost reminded Bucky of a Hydra lab. Hydra. He was meant to be hunting down those fuckers right now, not looking after some spoilt brat with an attitude problem. Okay, to be completely fair to the girl, she didn’t seem that spoilt. In fact, she actually seemed a bit messed up. Years of training had enabled Bucky to tell when people were lying to him, and Y/N had definitely been lying when she’d claimed that her parents were waiting for her at home. It had been so obvious that she was on her own, perhaps even running away from home, that Bucky had wondered why she’d bothered lying in the first place. And then there was her reaction when she woke up in his car. Or rather, her lack of reaction. Surely, the normal thing to do when you wake up in the back of a strange man’s car is to scream and fight? He could have been a psychopath for crying out loud!

For a while now, Bucky had been leaning over the sink, grasping at it hard. Now, he heaved a deep sigh and glared at his reflection in the mirror. Perhaps he was as psychopath. Hell, he’d nearly gone full Winter Soldier on that bastard who had tried to mug her. “Asshole,” he muttered under his breath and splashed his face with icy water from the tap, ignoring the drops that rolled down his arms and dripped onto the floor. The girl hadn’t even asked for his name once they’d entered the motel room last night. All she’d done was stare at his metal arm with empty eyes while he cleaned the wound on her forehead. The cut was only superficial, but he had, nevertheless, offered her some painkillers to take off the edge.

As it turned out, the pills might have been a bit strong for someone who was not a super-soldier. Before he has asked her anything more than her name, she had been fast asleep on one of the beds, curled up on her side with her long unruly hair spread out behind her. Bucky had stared at her for a second, overwhelmed by a weird sensation that he hadn’t felt for many years. As always, it had taken a while for the memories to come back, but when they did, he had realized that Y/N reminded him of his younger sister, Rebecca. Bucky chuckled to himself as he recalled how Becca used to swear if anyone tried to cross her. And just like this girl, Y/N, she had looked perfectly angelic as soon as she was asleep. He felt a pang in his heart as he thought about Becca. Their parents had passed away at a young age. With him and Steve gone, there had been no one to look after her. It must have been extremely difficult.

Hoping to avoid the dark turn that his thoughts were taking, Bucky suddenly decided that it was about time that the sleepy girl next door got out of bed. After all, he needed to get rid of her and return to his mission.

“Y/N. Hey!” he called out, hoping that it would be enough to stir her from her sleep. When it wasn’t, he tried to slam the bathroom door with a loud thud. That was also inefficient. Exasperated, he tried to call her name more loudly. “Come on, Y/N. Wake up!”

Still asleep.

Annoyed, Bucky realized that he was going to have to poke her. As slowly as were he about to defuse a bomb, he stepped closer. When he was near enough, he reached out and poked her arm, still covered by the huge denim jacket she had been wearing the night before. It didn’t work.

Christ, this girl can sleep, he thought to himself. Feeling more careless, he placed his metal hand on her upper arm and shook it. Without a warning, her eyes flew open, now staring up at him in alarm. Before Bucky could say as much as a single word, she punched him straight in the face.

“Son of a bitch!”

He doubled over, lifting a hand to his nose which was throbbing painfully. Had she just punched him? What the hell?

“Oh my God! I’m so sorry!” The words came out of her mouth so fast that they were nearly incomprehensible. “I forgot where I was- I- I thought you were someone else. I’m really-”

“It’s fine,” Bucky growled, glaring up at her. “Don’t worry about it.”

As he rubbed his sore nose, he straightened up, taking in her disheveled appearance for the first time. The young girl looked like a complete mess. Her black fishnet tights had torn when she’d fallen last night, revealing her bruised and bloody knees. Looking at her hair, he was convinced that a bird could fly in through the nearest window at any moment and start nesting in it without problems. He glanced down at her face, where the blood that had dripped from the wound on her forehead had run past her left eye and down across her cheek. There it seemed to have mixed with her salty mascara tears, now all dried up. His heart sank as he noticed the fear that was evident in her brown eyes. Not surprisingly, she hadn’t believed his half-hearted reassurance that punching him was completely okay. Bucky hated when civilians were scared of him, so he decided to make it better.

“Honestly, Doll. I’ve had a lot worse.” His voice was soft, and the ghost of a smile played on his lips. The girl took a deep breath and relaxed her shoulders at his words. Considering her appearance, he added: “Look, there are some clean towels in the bathroom if you would like to take a shower before we get going?” In an instant, her soft eyes hardened.

“Get going? Where to?” She demanded to know, raising a single, defiant brow at him. The sight nearly made him chuckle. Seemed like he’d finally found someone more obstinate than himself.

“Well, I need to get you back to the bus station, don’t I?” He asked, clearly rhetorically. “I’m assuming someone out there is waiting for you to come home.”

He noticed her eyes flicker before she turned her head away from him. “Yeah,” she mumbled, all traces of anger gone from her voice. “Of course.”

Bucky was not at all convinced. He knew that she wasn’t his problem, but still, the thought of her travelling alone unnerved him. He wanted to know where she had come from and where she was heading. Hopefully, it was somewhere safe. He wanted to ask her but didn’t want to be pushy. If they stopped somewhere for breakfast on the way to the bus station, maybe she’d talk.

“Hey, Severus Snape! Stop staring at me, will you? It’s kinda scary.”

He didn’t understand all of her words, but the sass in her voice was clear as day. With a scowl, Bucky turned his back on her and walked over to what had implicitly become “his” half of the room. He couldn’t believe that he’d let himself pity such an obnoxious child. She was more insufferable than Tony fucking Stark, for crying out loud!

Taking a deep breath, Bucky tried to calm his mind. None of this matters, he told himself, while dumping what few belongings he had brought with him into his black duffel bag. She wasn’t his responsibility, anyway. There were Hydra fascists out there who needed to be assassinated. And, as his mother used to say, it was rude to keep people waiting. After all, he was James Buchanan Barnes. Killing was what he was good at. Not babysitting.

How on earth had he gotten himself into this mess?

If you enjoyed this chapter and want me to write more, please let me know! xx

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yeahwesaidthat · 7 years

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TWWS: The Best of D&D

Ladiiiiiiiies and gentlemeeeeeeeeeeen! Welcome to the ultimate showdown: THE BEST OF D&D!

This post contains the best of the best of the D&D/RPG posts over the years of TWWS, all the way from the beginning. At the end of the post, there will be a link to a survey where you can vote for your favourites in each category (other/3.5e, 4e, and 5e) and nominate MVPs for each category. If the person you want to vote MVP has only been referenced as “Player,” just note down what quote they’re responsible for. A week from today (or until enough of you fill out the survey), Round 2 of the competition begins.

Everybody roll for initiative!

Overheard During Other RPGs

During Hackmaster, about a bottle label: SB: “It says ‘Thou shalt not question the DM over inane shit!’”

Overheard During D&D 3.5e

Unarmed damage?: MM: “It’s the difference between a slap and a bitch-slap.”

So wrong it's right: MM (IC): “I like your spunk.” KH (OOC): “So does [gay player].”

Rogue equipment: KB (IC): “I need [boots] that are…soft-sounding.” MM (IC): “We have socks.”

Describing a character: SO: “She is built like a brick shithouse.” DM: “She shits brick houses.” Bubbles: “She makes brick houses shit bricks.”

When the party has two rogues: KH (IC): “I can find it!” KB (IC): “I can find it better.”

RD (IC): “[Wizard], if you do not stop right now, I will arrest you for terminal stupidity, and I can assure you, I will find a law against it!”

A discount on services rendered: SO: “What’s 75% off of ‘I run and do whatever you ask without question’?”

Calling for divine help in very specific situations: MM: “Please state your current medical emergency.” KB: “Head-splosion.” SO: “If you have been stabbed, press one. If you are currently being stabbed, press two.” MM: “If your head’s detonated and you’ve launched into a wall, press three.” RD: “Why did you press three? We never expected anyone to press three!” SO: “We don’t know what to do in this medical emergency! Please dial again!”

IO: “[Wizard] is going to say - ” KB: “Can I tell you why this is a bad idea?” IO: “No.”

Proper procedure when everything goes to hell: RD: “[Cleric] goes outside and makes a magic circle, sits in it, and cries.”

KH (IC): “That stupid fucking son of a flea-ridden bitch cunt wizard - ” MM (IC): “Oh, him.”

How to pray to the god Ao: KB, KH, and MM: “I throw my hands up in the air sometimes sayin’ heeeeey-oh! I worship Aaaaaaa-o!” Bubbles: “[The wizard’s] gaaaaaaaay-o!"

Overheard During D&D 4e

SIDE NOTE: A Quiplash commentary on D&D 4e: A more environment-friendly alternative to toilet paper - 4th ed character sheets

What we think we saw - again?: Player: “If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and weighs the same as a duck, it must be a witch.” KH: “It’s a witch.” RJ: “Build a bridge out of 'er!”

Healing needed: Player: “I have a mess kit, will that help?” WS: “Only if you want to make a mess.”

Captain: “Neverwinter ho!” Dwarf: “Hos? Where?”

SB: “Eventually you end up at the most popular stall in the market.” Player: “Porn?”

About attacking a character that may or may not be good: SB: “Wait, what’s your alignment?” Player: “Lawful Paranoid.”

Taunting the kraken: Player: “Your tentacles are so short even an anime girl wouldn’t take 'em!”

Questioning the legitimacy of an NPC: SB (IC as Priest): “I have a degree in polytheism from the University of Phoenix Online!”

Making sure it’s really dead: SB: "You kick the head and it goes sailing through the open door of the tomb. You hear a voice in the darkness go ’Gooooooooal!’”

Killing the undead: SB: “Congratulations, you choked something to death that doesn’t breathe.”

Mass undead murder: Player: “We made a ghoul-ash. An evil gumbo, really.”

Architecture: Player: “I like big buttresses and I cannot lie.”

Interesting kills: SB: “You decapitated him with a bludgeoning weapon.”

About flying books: Player 1: “The window opens in! How do they fly out?” Player 2: “They’re paperbacks."

Player: “Thank God I decided to engage the dragon in melee.” MW: “You’ll never hear that in any other D&D campaign ever again.”

Player: “Is the food still on the table?” Three Of Us: “DON’T EAT IT!!!”

Overheard During D&D 5e

Annoying Teen: (about his character) “Would he still hate me?” AD: (not about his character) “I think everyone hates you.”

Don’t mess with a dire bear: JI: “There’s one inside who attacks the bear…" (rolls) "...and misses horribly ‘cause he shits his pants.”

JI: “He doesn’t have 100 hit points. He has 95.”

Demonic insight: KH: “I say in Infernal, ‘Peace! We mean you no harm!’” JI: “There’s no word in Infernal for ‘peace.’” Retroactive Edit: Demons actually speak Abyssal. Devils speak Infernal.

Animal form disadvantages: AD: “I’m going to bite [the zombie].” Everyone Else: (mass noise of disgust)

JI: “You feel a pinch in your mind as if she’s flipping through your yellow pages.” AD: “That’s got to be a euphemism for something.” ST: “Oh, yeah, baby, turn my yellow pages.” JB: “Turn to ‘F’ for fun.”

What happens in every religious venue in every D&D campaign ever: JB: “Here is the church, here is the steeple,” KH: “Open the door, and here are the zombies.”

KH: “Did you sneak off to her house in the middle of the night?” ST: “Does that sound like something I would do?” KH, AD, and CD: “Yes.”

JI: “You guys came in here - ” AD: “ - like a wrecking ball - ”

Post-adventure considerations: KH: “[Rogue] wouldn’t know what to do with her life.” AD: “She can bail herself out of jail.”

Switching to melee for a change: CD: “Let’s see if this ‘offense’ thing you do all the time really works.” (rolls a critical hit)

The logistics of being swallowed by a sea monster: ST: “Am I going to take damage if I move further along his digestive tract?”

EC: “If you had leprosy and your ears fell off would you be a deaf leper?”

Identifying mysterious cults: KH: “What’s the Cult of Howling Hatred?” EC: “The Westboro Baptist Church, obviously.”

DR: “Apparently your god has personally intervened due to your badassery.”

A Mass Effect cameo on a dexterity check for dancing: EC: “If you roll a one, you dance like Shepard.”

EC (IC): “So what you’re saying is that it’s very dangerous and we shouldn’t go in. I’ll take point.”

Things to worry about in combat: KH: “You don’t have enough hit points to take it like a man, honey.”

The ends justify the means?: Bubbles: “Did you have fun role-playing an interrogation?” DR: “You guys are fucked up.”

KH: “How do you stun-lock a Terrasque?!?” JB: “Fourth Edition.”

ST: “Do we have to kill them before we eat? I hate murdering on an empty stomach.”

About a revenant and a possible lover: EC: “Well the beast is committing necrophilia and the necro is committing bestiality…” DR: “What happens in Faerun, et cetera.”

Rolling high on a seduction check: DR: “Frankly, I didn’t think you’d go down this road.” KH: “Oh, I went down all right.”

More on the seduction roll: Bubbles: “Try to convince her to come with us. The way she came with you last night.”

About a nonviolent kua-toa: Player: “He’s a paci-fish.”

About dealing with face-hugging enemies: CD: “You swung at yourself and missed?” AD: “I swung at myself and missed.”

ST (IC): “I’ll be staying in the boat unless you have need of my specific skills.” CD (OOC): “Dying first is not a skill.”

About cultists: DM (IC): “They are water people. Maybe they’re just going with the flow.”

About a minotaur who keeps missing: DM: “At least when you put a bull in a china shop he’ll break shit.”

About bottles of brandy: EC: “I have two questions: how many of them are there and how many of them can I carry?”

Ideas so bad they’re good: KH: “We’re gonna blow up the temple with the distillery.” F: “The temple, the lich, half the plot…”

About going forward: KH: “Against our better judgment.” DM: “What better judgment?” KH: “Good point.”

About shooting arrows: KH: “'Nock’ yourself out.”

About using a lot of magic: JS: “We’re blowing a big load here right now.”

JS: “You wanna go up the shaft?” ST and T: “That’s what he said.”

About flirting with an efreet: JI: “Below her waist is a trailing cloud of black smoke, so you’re not getting anything.”

Questioning the guardian imp: Player (IC): “What happens if someone disturbs the sarcophagus before your time is up?” WS (IC): “There’ll be six more weeks of winter.”

MR (IC): “Trying to undercut me on my quest to restore my former glory?” KH (IC): “You have no glory to restore.” Other Players: “Oooooooh!” SW: “Quick, someone cast heal!”

When talking with a spirit: MR (IC): “You can’t just ask someone if they’re dead! That’s incredibly rude! The correct term is ‘mortally challenged’!”

After a petrifying encounter with some basilisks: BC: “I always thought she was stone-hearted.” KT: “I dunno, I thought she rocked.” JS: “I am going to kill all of you.”

What to do with windmills: KH: “If we had a lance, we could go tilting.” MR: “Cavalier idea.”

Quest priorities: Player 1: “No one’s going to pay us to do it right now. It’s not worth the attention.”

JF: “Roll to see if you hit me by accident.” KH: “Oh, I’d hit you on purpose.”

K’s paladin chastising A’s paladin about her sex habits: A (IC): “I thought you were the paladin of joy!” K (IC): “Not that kind of joy!”

About a previous edition of D&D: KH: “[What] the hell couldn’t you do in 3.5?” SW: “Win.”

KH: “Technically you’re underage.” ST: “That’s never stopped me before.” AD: “You or your character?” ST: “Do I have to answer that?”

D: “We’re gonna make the Underdark great again!” ST: “We’re gonna build a wall - a really big wall in the Underdark, and we’re gonna make the gnomes pay for it.” A: “We pay for everything already! Screw you!”

About a character who caught fire: T: “He’s not rolling initiative; he’s rolling on the ground.”

T (IC): “Let’s go before the men’s egos get us killed.”

JB (IC): “My god believes in good opportunities. Not dying is a good opportunity.”

Passing on some bad news: JI (IC): “[Chief] not sick!” AD (IC): “He was when we were done with him.”

To a healer: KH (IC): “I don’t suppose you have a cure for the common cold?” JI (IC): “I’m not a miracle worker.”

Reassuring a woman scorned: AA (IC): “Go tell her - all men dogs.” JI (OOC): “Says the cat.”

To the tune of “Like a G6”: ST and KH: “Roll a d6, roll a d6!”

KH: “Of course it’s always about dirty sex - I’m a bard!” AD: “The hell are you two talking about down there?!”

To a mindflayer, about a stupid character: KH (IC): “I’d offer you his brain to eat, but I don’t think he has one.” JS (IC as mindflayer): “I don’t eat junk food.”

MGW: “It’s Tza…Zsa…his name is Jasper.”

Saying goodbye to the barkeep: MR (IC): “I’ll be back visiting the northern parts soon.” KH (OOC): “And then you can visit her southern parts.”

About a questionable NPC: ST (IC): “I would never dream of hurting you!” KH (IC): “I would.”

About prison visitations: JB (IC): “How often is it that a [gypsy] walks in here voluntarily?”

Failing a romance/persuasion check: AA: “Ooh, she cast Zone of Friend!”

Preparing for a swamp adventure: CD: “I want to buy some insect repellant.” AD: “What, your personality doesn’t drive them away?”

About a magic boat: JB (IC): “I saw it grow!” ST (IC): “Are you sure you didn’t rub it? That sometimes happens with wood.” JB (IC): “You would know.” ST (IC): “You wouldn’t.” JB (IC): “Tell that to my two children.”

About an injured drow: MGW (IC): “Look at that poor girl! She has a black eye! You can’t see it, ‘cause her skin is black, but still!”

Last-minute aliases: RD (IC): “Unfortunately, no, my name is Dick Ballsenshaft.”

To a half-orc and Sir Bearington, regarding weirdness: MGW (IC): “…but for me to assume you’re in a loving relationship with a talking bear is where we draw the line?!”

Wisdom for stealing magic items: KC: “Anything that glows goes.”

About fleeing: RD: “I’m going to run like an Amazon employee during the holidays.”

MGW: “You were doing so well until everybody died.” JF: “D&D in a summary.”

Once more about fleeing: RD: “A smart man knows when to run like a little bitch.” J: “Why do you think that’s the first thing I did?”

Recapping the previous session: A: “There was a shitshow, but we got away with it.” S: “So the usual, then.”

About creature size: MR: “Is an ettin large or huge?” MGW: “I think he’s just large.” A: “He’s probably large but pretends he’s huge.” AS: “Typical guy.”

When a pervy character is disgusted by a perv: RD: “Dear Kettle, I have an issue with your current hue. Signed, the Pot.”

A: “He told us to send a message.” KH: “A sword in the stomach is a message.” SW: “The Lannisters send their regards.”

The pervy paladin: A: “I used Lay On Hands. I healed him.” KH: “Yeah, but where did you lay your hands?” MGW: “Wherever she wanted.”

About our tactics: SW: “We put the 'fun’ in 'dysfunctional.’”

About possible activities: MGW (IC): “I know you’re a tiefling, but we’re all the same color in the dark, right?”

Interesting weapon material: MGW: “You all take a moment of reflective silence.” JB: “Nah, I’m just cleaning my bone.” KH: “Technically that’s a moment of reflective silence.” KC: “Not if you’ve seen the barbarian do it.”

Scrying like bad cell reception: KH: “Switch to AD&D.” JB: “Can you scry me now?”

About the taste of human: SW: “You would know.” A: “Nah, I don’t swallow.” MR: “This conversation is making me uncomfortable.”

Wrestling prep: MR (IC): “I want a good, clean fight.” A (IC): “No we don’t.” JB (IC): “What’s a clean fight?” A (IC): “It means you have to take a bath first.” JB (IC): “What’s a bath?”

MGW: “There’s a bridge that looks like it may have collapsed at some point.” JB: “Is it a-bridged?”

Beautiful references (read in Rorschach’s voice): AA: “I’m not grappled with YOU,” ST, AA, and KH: “YOU’RE grappled with ME!”

About remaining spells: KH: “I have three 1st-level slots and one 2nd-level slot.” CD: “Those are 'keeping people alive’ slots.”

Dealing with extra-limbed gorillas: ST: “Uh-oh! They must have been forewarned!” AD: “What makes you say that?” ST: “Forewarned is four-armed.” AD: -_-

Negotiation skills: AD: “It’s just me trying to bullshit him.” JI: “Why don’t you make a bullshit check?”

Trying to figure out if the staff is necromantic: CD: “We could kill a mouse in front of the staff. We could kill a mouse with the staff. How much is it to buy a mouse?”

JB: “Anyone die while I was gone?” SW: “Not on the outside.”

Wizarding limits: JS: “You may not polymorph your zombies into t-rexes.”

Zombies aren’t too smart: BC (IC): “Bobs, attack the closest gnoll!” Bobs: (run at gnoll party member) KH (OOC): “Et tu, Bob?” JS (OOC): “If this doesn’t belong in your blog, I dunno what does.”

Far too relatable: JS: “Twenty psychic damage.” BC: “I’ve taken more psychic damage from my mother.”

Worst-laid plans: KH (IC): “I have a very bad feeling about this.” MR (IC): “You should.”

Our go-to combat tactic: MR: “Are we going to stupid the guy to death?”

Zing!: MGW (IC): “If you join me, I can make you the greatest dwarf who ever lived.” TP (IC): “I am the greatest dwarf who ever lived.” Whole Table (OOC): “Ooooohhhhh!!!”

Another verbal duel with a sea god/character class limitations: KH: “I would say 'what is a god to a nonbeliever,’ but I’m a cleric.”

Activating the mysterious device: BC (IC): “We did it! I wonder what we did?”

Business as usual: KH: “This seems like a bad idea, but go ahead.”

Old adages: MR: “No plan survives contact with the enemy.” (IC) “But then, no enemy has survived contact with us!” (OOC) “Was that quote-worthy?” KH: “Yes.”

KC: “She can ride me. I don’t care.” KH: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) KC: “…I’M A BEAR IN ARMOR.”

Advantageous druidic inanity: KC: “Are you still riding the flying bear?” MR: “It’s flying now?” KC: “Yeah, he flew up to unlock the door.” AS: “…So he’s a flying bear with armor…”

Spell modifications for humourous purposes: MR: “Using a Dex[terity] save for Zone of Truth means they’re literally dodging the question.”

About a wild, crazy, out-of-left-field hypothesis: RD (IC): “I figured if you pulled something that big our of your ass there’d be bleeding involved.” MR (IC): “…That’s between me and my proctologist.” SW (OOC): “Did you take fire damage for that? That’s like Taco Bell levels of burn.”

As is per usual: MR: “We may have once again survived this by the skin of bullshit.”

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