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“I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” is ringing in my head.
And today I’m angry.
And I know I must surrender to what is TRUTH but right now I am holding the duality of, “Why NOT me?” and “I know God has a plan.”
I received confirmation that a childhood dream was not going to come to fruition as I would have hoped.
I teach:
“Feel the feelings-ALL of them.”
“One must feel to heal.”
“Take the emotions to the mat and fully let them be expressed so there is no residue left to get stuck in the body.”
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is just that-
FEEL the DAMN feelings.
But, it is the best way to metabolize and alchemize emotions and trauma in the body is THRU the body.
Still, I don’t understand why some are chosen to “do the thing” and why some aren’t.
John stepped in and cancelled our plans for tonight-allowing me to have the afternoon to be exactly where I am.
I am sad.
I am confused.
I am angry.
I am clinging to the known.
I am bitter.
I am jealous.
And, after I moved today (insert video some of my movement practice with Luna Belle),
I can feel my back heart chakra expand.
I can feel my breath deepen.
I can feel a glimmer of hope.
Holding the duality of immense grief while holding faith God has a plan is not easy.
But I’ve had my heart broken before and rose above the ashes like a phoenix. ❤️🔥🙏🏼
And, I will again. Just not today. Today, I’ll stay on my sheepskin with Luna Belle looking at the blue sky and shed a tear or two (or a million).
Whose counting anyway?
‘When you hold the yoke by yourself, you will always feel behind, stuck, burdened. When you hold it with those going a different way than you, it will be even harder.
But when you hold the yoke with the One Who made you along with the multitudes who also realize this; you will not only run but you will finish the race.’
I'm trying really hard to be this person that has her shit together, that has some form of fucking control over anything that has to do with my life. I'm trying really hard not to be so god damn fucking angry at everything. At the world, at myself, at people in my life. I'm trying to mask it all with some point or validation or giving it a mean by saying "this has to happen for a reason. It had to." But maybe that's just it, that's what's driving me crazy. Maybe there is no reason why bad things happen or good things happen. Maybe there is no reason and it's just that, a thing that happened. It's just the universe being cruel and the universe giving you a break once in a while because if we're being honest there is ALWAYS something. There will always be a time in your life where it feels like bricks are sitting on your chest and there will always be a time after the bricks when the light peaks through one small crack and you have that moment where you don't feel like you're drowning and you think "This is it, this is where things get better. This is where I get better." And it's true you do get better. You get better every time, but there will never not be a time when there isn't bricks sitting on your chest and that is what is so goddamn heartbreaking to me. We are born and we suffer and we live and we are happy and sad and everything in between and then we just die. Our bodies go into the ground or get spread out somewhere that was once meaningful to you if your family or friends know you, if you're lucky. If you're lucky you might also find love. I'm trying, I'm really trying to find the goddamn crack in the pile of bricks but fuck. What's the point? What is the god damn point.