"We need more complex and flawed main characters!"

You guys couldn't even handle Blitzø Buckzo.

What’s the best way to come up with a backstory for nigh-irredeemable villain and hate sink without getting into Unfortunate Implications territory? I’m specifically worried about ableism - making him a sociopath or giving him a traumatic backstory both imply things I don’t want to about mental illness and trauma. I thought about giving him a privileged background with parents who never told him “no” and shielded him from consequences of his actions, but I feel like that takes too much agency away from him and shifts too much blame to his parents.

This is one of those situations where there really isn't a single, “best,” solution.

One of the first things that comes to mind is, don't try to make your audience feel sorry for your villain.  This is a personal opinion, so you're free to disagree, but if you're trying to build up your villain, presenting a tearjerker backstory undercuts that. It diminishes your villain. Sort of like characterizing Batman as, “a rich boy with daddy issues,” really shortcuts the whole, “Dark Knight,” mystique.

Digging into a villain's backstory can be quite perilous. Especially if you're trying to show the adversity that shaped them into the baby eating monstrosity we see in the present. Under the best possible circumstances, you can potentially make the character a deeper and richer individual as a result, but this comes with a severe risk of accidentally turning them into a whiny, entitled, and petulant while robbing them of whatever genuine threat they'd managed to build up.

In fact, a villain who actively conceals elements of their past, (or throws out small fictions about their origins) can be far more threatening, and also build up that mystique by depriving the audience of information about how they became who they are. For a moment, consider the sheer volume of speculation about the backstory of Heath Ledger's version of the Joker, sparked from his erratic and inconsistent explanations for how he came to be (and how none of those stories really line up with his behavior.) Especially the part where his constantly erratic and chaotic persona slides right over a shockingly methodical approach to violence that keeps the character compelling. You don't know who he is, and he's constantly trolling everyone who tries to get a better understanding of him.

One situation where you can start digging into their backstory is if their villainous plan actually has a solid philosophical foundation. This can get into some pretty disturbing territory, as your villain may literally be a terrorist, but if they're trying to put an end to an unjust social order, stop some greater evil, or are even just out for revenge against a group that has wronged them in the past, you can get a legitimately sophisticated villain that could be downright sympathetic, while also being a complete monster. Somewhat obviously, this is going to be a lot harder to balance, but the option is there.

These kinds of villains can actually play against narrative expectations, and what we tend to expect from stories. In the vast majority of cases, the hero in a story is seeking to maintain, or restore, the status quo, while the villain seeks to disrupt or alter it. This can become a point of reference to quickly identify who is the hero, and who is the villain. This also means you can have a story where the villain is, legitimately, trying to create a better world (and not just in the vague and intimidating, creating an evil world they can rule over, but legitimately seeking to improve it), and is opposed by a hero who is trying to maintain an unjust, or even oppressive, status quo. Within that, the more extreme the villain's methods, the more complicated the calculus becomes. (Especially if they can avoid crossing a threshold where they're simply sowing misery indiscriminately, and their, “brighter future,” starts to sound like empty platitudes.)

Again, there isn't one right answer, but if you want an irredeemable villain, you probably shouldn't try to redeem them by delving into their backstory.

-Starke

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What are Strahm’s thoughts on each member of the Jigsquad individually?

Well let's go thru them why don't we :)

Amanda: Peter's mostly angry and annoyed with Mandy most of the time. Shes a mentally ill recovering addict with daddy issues in his eyes and who was obviously the closest with John, so he knows shes a lot of the brains behind the operation but won't admit to being so. She also tries to get under Peter's skin in her own way and is not afraid to snip back at him when he tries to break her down, so they're antagonistic at all times.

Lawrence: Oh these two are Bitchiness Supreme around each other when they’re in the same space. Lawrence purposefully will put on the rich guy act and the superior airs when he’s around Peter just to piss him off because he thinks its funny and he knows it drives Peter insane. They’re both smug in their own ways, but Lawrence is a lot more even tempered than Peter and knows it’s very easy to rile Peter up, so Peter both hates interrogating him because he knows Lawrence is hiding things while acting like he’s above it all and is totally innocent, but also because he sees a lot of himself in Lawrence as well, and that info doesn’t sit well with him. Their class difference also doesn't help things because Peter knows Lawrence looks down on him while not doing the same to Adam and Amanda despite their obvious differences, but he also doesn’t get that Lawrence is like that because Peter’s just a fuckin asshole while Adam and Amanda are people he genuinely cares about. All in all they hate each other soooo much and Peter is constantly fuming after their interrogations.

Adam: Now here’s where it gets interesting. Peter knows in the back of his mind that Adam is only here because of his loyalty to the others and not that he genuinely enjoys the work. And for the life of him, he cannot understand why or how Adam can live with himself for doing so. Adam has pretty much what Peter wishes that he could have: A fulfilling relationship and people who would be willing to do anything to protect him, and he’s able to live with it all and be happy despite the moral crisis. Peter, who has something similar with Mark that Adam has with Lawrence, cannot let himself be happy even when he’s getting what he wants because of the moral crisis. And so he ends up taking out a lot of that frustration on Adam specifically (doesn’t help that Adam is extremely good at getting under Peter’s skin and purposefully is very open about having no respect for his authority) and that’s what leads to the whole incident with Peter cuffing Adam. They hate each other for their own reasons and for Peter it’s because he hates that Adam is able to have something he never could.

Mark: Ah...the most complicated of them all. Peter loves him, and he hates him. He wishes he could actually keep Mark in his life permanently after their relationship gets serious enough, and yet because he can’t deal with the crisis of morality that’s come with it all, he purposefully self sabotages any chance he could have had at that permanence. He loves Mark for everything that their relationship entails, and yet he also hates himself so much for letting it happen in the first place. Mark and Peter’s relationship is one of extremes, and it’s far from healthy even if they Could both genuinely be happy with it in another timeline. That potential Is there. But because of Peter’s inability to let himself be happy with getting what he actually wants due to it making him see everything in the mirror that he refuses to acknowledge is true about himself, he destroys any chance he has at keeping that happiness. And he figures out the hard way that Mark will never chose him over the rest of the Jigsquad. Mark’s family comes first, and Peter knows it, and in the end that knowledge will always keep him up at night. Because of who they are as people in this timeline, they were never going to survive together, but Peter jumped in anyways knowing he’d hit the rocks on the way down from the fall. And he can’t tell if he regrets it or not in the end. He’ll always be asking himself that.

UGH and now there's fucking DRAMA with birth parents!!!

My birth dad is taking my birth mom to court AGAIN. It's like his favorite activity. He just takes her to court on baseless bullshit because he has a lot of money and she doesn't.

Apparently this time it's about my little sister's college stuff. He's saying he needs total control over her college decision and that birth mom has to pay for it. What the fuck ever.

My like. Perspective on both of them has definitely changed as I've gotten older. I feel...pity, for my birth mom. She's a very, very mentally ill woman who had one kid by accident and one in an attempt to save her failing marriage. She wasn't ready to have kids and wasn't able to take care of them. She's been dealing with my birth dad, which got worse after he divorced her, and is too proud to accept help financially, medically, socially.

My birth dad...is a bad person. I hesitate to call people "bad people" but I'm obviously biased here. He's manipulative, self centered, and needs to feel important and powerful and admired above everything else. Everything he does is solely for his own gain. He doesn't care about anyone else except as stepping stones to greater and greater things. He's told me so himself, he told me to think of people like that. To him, it's a dog eat dog world and he needs to be seven steps ahead. I see some of the worst parts of myself in him. He takes advantage of my birth mom despite her being less powerful, less wealthy, and less capable than him. Maybe because of it. He needs total and ultimate control over his children because his children are part of his image. That's another thing that's straight from the horse's mouth. Every time there was some minor infraction, that was the scolding. "The way you behave and present yourself reflects on me. You need to act proper or people will think I'm a bad father."

That's the only reason he keeps trying to be nice to me, I think. It looks bad on him to have an estranged kid. He keeps trying to get me back. But I wonder why he hasn't given up on me. Just erased me from his perfect existence. One time he told me a father's job is to "keep his daughter off the pole." Now I'm like. Doing drag that involves stripping. So. I'm not sure how much he knows about that though.

Individual parts (big or little p, not sure, probably both) have varied feelings. Some are scared of him. A lot of them are, I think. Some are neutral. There's also the opinion that I should keep some sort of loose connection. Which is where I am now. There's the very strong but not very popular opinion I need to cut him off entirely. But that's counteracted by the fear. Lots of fear. But there are still parts that desperately, desperately need his love, approval, affection.

IDK. I have a lot of "daddy issues" TBH. Freud would love me.

There's also the issue of. My little sister. She's still... IDK. I can't blame her for anything. She's in a really traumatic and scary situation. I cut my birth dad off (though I don't remember it) around 15. She hasn't done that yet and she's 18. She's scared to. Part of me feels angry at her. She doesn't have the courage to do what I did. But I can understand. She's scared to be on her own without support. She wants him to help pay for her college. All this sort of stuff. But I'm like... you're an adult now, legally. You don't need to do anything he asks of you. You don't even need to live with him anymore if you don't want to. But she's just... IDK. Compliant. I was too. It's like he makes you into a robot that needs to follow orders. He frames it in a way that makes it feel like if you don't do what he tells you to you'll doom yourself to a shit existence. Which I guess. IDK I fell into the doomed shit existence. Things probably would have been easier, in every way except mentally, if I had been compliant. But I didn't make that choice. I couldn't be compliant so I was thrown away. And now he thinks he can fix me, I think. He regrets throwing me away.

I can't blame her for her decisions, or lack thereof. But it does make me angry. I want her to have the courage to stand up for herself. She's so trained by him she can't even tell me what she wants or doesn't want to do. She can't make any sort of decision without three hours of reassuring her that it's her choice and I won't be upset with whatever she chooses. And sometimes that doesn't even work. I can understand it but that doesn't make it less frustrating. Less infuriating. I don't understand even though I do. Just do it!!! Just have the courage and make even the smallest choice to distance yourself!!! What is she going to do when she's living by herself, or in college? If I were to be mean, I'd say it's pathetic. She's pathetic. I can only hope that she toughens up.

rick boston, an old oc of mine that ive been thinking about. related to another oc, xio, but not by blood. also talking about other stuff.

its funny to me how some of my favorite characters tend to be mid-aged men, and i think there might be a psychological thing going on there, daddy issues being the biggest thing. anyway that aside, i got to thinking about him again

rick’s main story is focused on how he works as an individual, guilty with dealing with immoral and unethical experiments on human body. one of the biggest ones is xio, when she was a young child and got caught into a car accident and lost her own father. being a father himself, but divorced because he was forced to choose work over family, seeing xio in critical condition broke his heart. what’s worse was how he was the one chosen to use a highly volatile product to use on her, to see how it would go. either she becomes an abomination, or gets to live a perfectly normal life, with the gift of being able to heal incredibly fast and doesnt have to worry about health, at least physically. mental is a whole different mess.

with all this said, its easy to see that my main inspiration was resi evil, and how they go about things there. but before all this happened, the story, and the characters, took place in a post apocalyptic world, where people have become mutated, rick and xio esp. and there was a third person that was supposed to be more buddy buddy with xio, that turned into max later on in the current version.

i just keep thinking about how much fun rick is to write about, and how i wrote from ricky to r-cter, with how they have somewhat similar themes, but are complete opposites. now, after all my sr--hk focused stories, if i went back to rick, i think i can get his character down better and differently. he will always be a kind, gentle man, but will fight for his life with no hesitation, and deeply cares about xio like his own daughter. he is also a very tired, heavy smoker as he always was, with grey streaks in his brown hair.

he definitely would have a dad bod too. ha~!

but all that aside, for real, i do miss rick. he was a fun character to write, and his familiar relationship with xio always made me smile. xio struggled a lot in her own story, finding a world of magic literally, and fell in love, but lost it, its a whole thing in of itself, and how they still connect despite it all.

and if i were to go back to those stories, ill definitely explore rick, and potentially another character’s, max, for fun. the story will be so bad and so dumb, but i want to have fun writing these stories. i like stupid dumb stories that are just fun to write. thats what creating means to me.

but i will not forget some of my fanfics tho. i got a hh one still as a wip. got the ideas, just need to find the right words. hard to do that without having a, what r-cter would call, sounding board. but i mostly prefer to do it with those that understand my incoherent and dumb thoughts, that im close to, and can give me ideas and a different perspective. eldricth horror is new to me, but honestly, i also really love monsters. they are so cool~!

Cryptic Mystic: The Psychology of a Serial Killer

There are hundreds of serial killers, both in the fiction and non-fiction world. I don’t have near enough time to cover the story and the psychology of all of them - hell, there is so much information that is relevant, one at a time will suffice. Today we take a look at John Wayne Gacy. Gacy was born in Chicago, Illinois in 1942 to an auto mechanic/WWI veteran and a home-maker. There are some interesting things about his childhood that, from a psychological perspective, most likely played an important role in the way that Gacy developed. Had things in his childhood been different, he could have very well turned out to be a different person. He may not have killed anyone. Unfortunately, his life began down a troubled road early on. He was close with his mother and two sisters, but he had a rocky relationship with his father, as his father was an alcoholic and severely mentally and physically abusive on a regular basis. 

Gacy’s father would often talk down on him, call him names, and whip him with a leather belt in excess. Gacy wanted a relationship with his father more than anything, but unfortunately, he never got to really have much of one. Instead, he lived most of his life never feeling good enough for his father - always feeling the need to try harder and to be better. This feeling manifested a more widespread entity within Gacy, which led to him feeling as though he was never good enough for anyone. Some speculate that his issues with his father perpetuated his obsession with young boys and men. I would have to agree that there was likely something there. People who have serious issues with their parents (male or female) are said to have “mommy issues” or “daddy issues”. The conflicts with the male/female parent iis then projected onto all or most people of that biological sex either during periods in life or, in some cases, for the rest of the individual’s life. To add to this recipe for disaster, Gacy was also regularly molested by a family friend. Gacy reported that he was afraid to tell anyone about being molested due to the fear of his dad blaming him (fear of not being good enough again).

Gacy was well known in his community. Viewing him on the outside, you would have never guessed what was happening inside of his mind. The torment. The torture. His first job at the age of 18 was working as an assistant precinct captain for his local Democratic party. He admittedly reported that he decided to pursue this job because he sought attention and recognition from others - that which he never received from his father. Growing tired of his father’s abuse, he left home and moved to Las Vegas where he began working with an ambulance service. Shortly thereafter, he switched jobs and became a mortuary assistant. It is during this three-month period that Gacy reports having first realized he “may have a problem”. One night when he was alone at the mortuary he said he climbed into the coffin of a dead teen-aged boy and caressed the body as he laid next to it. It seems as though he was seeking affection from the body. Gacy reports he did not realize what he was doing until it was already happening, and upon realizing what he was doing he became scared and felt out of control. He immediately called his mother and asked if he could come back home. It is important to note that as early as age 7, Gacy was said to have sexually fondled a young girl with another young boy. We begin to see some potential disturbances with Gacy pretty early on, but he did not gain self-awareness of this until he was a young adult. It is important to note that the average age that a person starts to exhibit symptoms of a severe mental illness and gain self-awareness of those symptoms is typically in their late teens/early 20’s. Gacy fits this statistic like a glove. This is when things really start to ramp up. When he returned home he got a job at a shoe factory that transferred him to Springfield, Illinois. While there he received a promotion, and shortly thereafter was set to be married to a co-worker of his, Marlynn Myers. Gacy joined the local Jaycees. Things were really starting to look up for Gacy. He was doing well. One night a colleague of his from the Jaycees invited him over for some drinks and then performed oral sex on Gacy. Gacy did not decline.

Gacy and his wife moved to Waterloo, Iowa where Gacy got a job managing his father-in-law’s Kentucky Fried Chicken chains. Marlynn’s parents provided them with a free house. Again, things were looking good. But things aren't what they appeared to be. The damage to Gacy’s psyche had already been done, and things were just beginning to develop. Gacy began running a “club” in his basement, allowing underaged boys that he employed to come over to drink alcohol and play pool. He would make sure they were drunk before he would make sexual advances towards them. He was never reported because if they rejected him, he played it off as a joke or a “test of morals”. In 1966 they had their first daughter. Gacy’s father has finally apologized for his wrongdoings - Gacy had finally gained his father’s approval. He joined the Waterloo Jaycees and again gained notoriety and popularity. In 1967 he sexually assaulted the son of a fellow Jaycee member, Donald Voorhees, who was 15-years-old at the time. He began to sexually assault many teenage boys, some of which he blackmailed. In 1968 Donald told his father about the assault. Gacy was found guilty of sodomy. His wife divorced him. It was at this time that Gacy was given a diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Antisocial Personality Disorder is often mistaken as meaning someone is not social. This is a common misconception. People with APD have difficulty keeping long-term relationships and have complete disregard for others. People with APD often violate the space/rights of others. People with APD may appear to not have a conscience, may have a history of breaking rules or disregarding the law, have substance abuse issues, and typically exhibit aggressive and impulsive behavior. This particular disorder is often developed in childhood, and the individual will present symptomatology between the ages of 8-11. Conduct Disorder is often seen in children who go on to develop APD in adolescence/early adulthood.

Gacy served in prison from 1968-1970 and was then released on parole. He returned to Chicago. Gacy continued to have run-ins with young boys. He was accused of attempted rape on several occasions. He remarried in 1972. In 1975 he came out to his wife as bi-sexual. On Mother’s Day that year, they had sex, and he told his wife this was the last time they would ever have sex. He began bringing young boys home to “hang out” and would leave and come home at odd hours of the day and night. That year Gacy and his second wife divorced upon the fake terms that he engaged in infidelity with another woman. He was working at a PDM company (painting, decorating, and maintenance) and performing as Pogo the clown and Patches the clown as a side hustle around town. During this time Gacy bribed several of his male coworkers for sex. He joined the Moose club and made himself familiar with those in the local political world. Things were (again) looking good.

Gacy’s first murder took place in 1972. From 1972-1978 Gacy murdered 33 boys and young men, burying 26 of them under his own house. There is speculation that he murdered more than 33 people, but this has not been proven. He would lure young boys and men to his house, bribing them with things like money, drugs, or alcohol. Once the person was inebriated, Gacy would put handcuffs on them to “show them a magic trick” from his clown routine. He would then proceed to rape and torture his victims for as long as he liked. After he was done with the torture and rape, his signature murder move was to use a rope tourniquet that he twisted with a hammer to suffocate the victims to death. He reportedly stated “this is the last trick” as he listened to his victims breathe their last breath. Gacy took his own last breath on May 10, 1994, at the Stateville Correctional Center in Crest Hill, Illinois after sitting on death row, where he was given a lethal injection. 

Now, I want to make an important point known. None of this information given is to say that everyone who has a troubled childhood, or even everyone in a similar situation to any of these serial killers, is destined to have issues (or to become a serial killer). There are many factors to consider when talking about mental health in a specific individual. I like to refer to the biopsychosocial model often when talking about several things in the mental health field. The three key factors that affect a person’s development include their biology (how they are born/things they are physically predisposed to), their psychology (how their brain/mind works), and their social environment (how the environment and people around the person affect them). There is no “one size fits all”.

Gacy was a sick man. It is apparent that a combination of his biology, psychology, and social surroundings, and environment combined to create the perfect storm. People often ask if serial killers are born or made. The argument between the two can get hot and heavy very quickly. In my opinion, I think it’s a little bit of both. I don’t think that either side is totally wrong here. Someone may be born with a predisposition for certain behaviors and traits from a biological perspective. A person’s experiences and biological make-up form how they perceive the world, thus affecting their psychology - brain/mind interaction. Their social environment (the things that are out of their control) are also a factor affecting their growth and development. One small change in any of these factors and a person can develop in an entirely different way. Unfortunately for Gacy, he had a lot of different things going on that contributed to his development of APD/psychopathy. Firstly, he was born into an abusive home where he was constantly ridiculed for most of his young life. He was physically and mentally abused on a regular basis at the hands of his father. Second, while we can’t physically look into Gacy’s brain or body to understand his body from a biological viewpoint, he was likely born with certain personality traits which predisposed him to react and develop the way he did after his early childhood experiences. Gacy stated he was bi-sexual, but it is unclear as to what Gacy truly felt inside as to how he identified sexually. In the time Gacy was alive, anything aside from heterosexuality was seen as forbidden or “bad” by a majority of American society. Gacy, being seemingly confused about his sexuality, likely felt guilt and shame for having sexual feelings towards those of the same sex. Tie this in with his father’s constant disapproval; I am sure Gacy felt trapped and completely unable to express himself as an individual. It appeared that he began to try to express himself sexually with boys/young men, but he did so in an awkward way at first - still never seeming to truly feel accepted as a bisexual (or) gay man. Later these confusing and awkward social and sexual experiences turned sadistic and volatile in nature. By this point, his disorder has already begun developing and worsening, as it was untreated. This is when we start to see the abusive nature of his father manifest in his actions. He began to talk down to his victims, as his father talked down to him. In fact, research shows that there is a correlation between victims of abuse abusing others. You would think that people who had been through abuse would want to be better and never treat someone in that way. Again, depending on the person, sometimes the opposite happens… 

What do you think? What are your theories on why Gacy became the person that we know him as today? What other factors do you think were at play? Let me know in the comments or send me a message. I hope that you learned something new. I plan on writing more blogs that unravel the mind of serial killers. If there is a particular serial killer you would like me to cover, let me know. I take blog topic requests!

I wish you all a happy Halloween. Stay weird, stay curious, and stay safe out there.

Cryptic Mystic Blog by PsychVVitch @psychvvitch

www.LaMorteXiii.com

Rating the types of Dean Winchester related playlists I see on Spotify

I (Mod Lex) looked up Dean Winchester on Spotify and found a decent amount of playlists, too many for me to rate individually. I can, however, rate the general types I have seen. That is what I will be doing.

Playlists that imply Dean would have made them and are just filled with classic rock and hard rock - 9/10 Honestly, these aren't too bad. Sure, they can be a little bland, but they're pretty screen-accurate. Most of the songs are ones that have been played on the show or songs from bands that Dean has stated he likes. I have a feeling that most of these playlists are made by the middle-aged white fanboys who project onto Dean that the show was made for, which would explain why none of them have any Taylor Swift. Dean canonically likes Taylor Swift, as shown in "About A Boy" (10x12). Put Taylor on Dean's playlists if you want full points.

Playlists that imply Dean would have made them, made by mentally ill teens - 2/10 I know how much mentally ill teens on Tumblr like to project on Dean but I do not believe he would listen to Mother Mother. These playlists typically lack classic/hard rock but are do have Mother Mother, The Front Bottoms, and Bo Burnham. When these playlists do have classic rock, it's normally just "Eye of the Tiger", "Carry On Wayward Son", "Heat of the Moment", and "Wanted Dead Or Alive". If you're going to put some classic/hard rock, commit. Put some AC/DC, Def Leppard, or Led Zeppelin on there. Yes, Dean has daddy issues. No, he would not listen to "Daddy Issues" by the Neighbourhood.

"You're in love with/dating Dean Winchester" playlists - 5/10 Most of these imply that the listener is the one who created the playlist, so there aren't really solid guidelines of what should be on them. Considering the listener is said to be in love with Dean, I think there should be some classic or hard rock there. It doesn't have to be anything super obscure; I just request one AC/DC song. I will say though, when I look at some of these playlists, they feel like they were made by someone who was simultaneously in middle school and on Tumblr in 2015, but whatever. Just know that I think Dean would really have to love you to let you play Twenty One Pilots in the Impala.

"You're the third Winchester sibling" playlists - 5/10 This is another one where the listener is implied to be making the playlist. It also is a little looser on the rules because you could be taking your music taste from Sam, Dean, John, or hell, even Bobby. There's plenty of room for interpretation here since it's just another self-insert playlist. Yet again, based on some of the music on there, I feel like most of the people making these are significantly younger than Dean, so I don't think they're doing any hunting. Also, Dean never lets you play this while he's driving. Sucks for you but you likely only get to pick the music if Sam takes you anywhere.

Dean's guilty pleasure playlists - 9/10 I think these are fun and could go anywhere. Dean never wants to be seen as anything other than a hyper-masculine cool guy so I doubt he would make a playlist dedicated to his guilty pleasure songs, but he would have some nonetheless. These have a lot of pop hits, most seeming to be from the 2000s or early 2010s, but are bangers either way. I have seen some with WAP and when I told Luna about that she said that Dean would listen to Cardi B. I have also seen Corpse Husband and Wilbur Soot on some of these which I disagree with but that's because I hate how the Dream SMP is slowly seeping into other fandoms. Some of these do have Taylor Swift on them. I think Dean would just listen to Taylor Swift openly and threaten to kill those who questioned it, but I guess some people have different interpretations of his character.

X-Men Abridged: 1968

The X-Men, those ever-so-slightly exhausting mutants that have sworn to protect a world that hates and fears them, are a cultural juggernaut with a long, tangled history. Want to unravel this tapestry? Then read the Abridged X-Men!

(X-Men 40 - 51) - written by Roy Thomas, Gary Friedrich and Arnold Drake. Drawn by Werner Roth, Don Heck, George Tuska and Jim Steranko

Did you know Frankenstein’s monster was an android, sent to earth by aliens as an ambassador?

My English Lit professor LIED TO ME! (X-Men 40)

Whereas last year served up a cohesive narrative by making it all about Factor Three, 1968 gives us a hodgepodge of clumsy and confusing storylines. This might be due to the different writers at the helm: last year was all about Roy Thomas, this year we’ve got three dudes pulling it in different directions.

What doesn’t change is the prose. So much purple prose.

Anyway, this year is all about THE DEATH OF PROFESSOR XAVIER and THE RETURN OF MAGNETO! (If you think this is terrific foreshadowing and not something that kills all narrative tension, boy howdy, you’ll love reading comics from this era.)

The best kind of foreshadowing drags you into an alley, punches you in the nose and steals your shoes. Fuck subtlety and proper twists. (X-Men 41)

Anyway, Xavier is acting all out of character: cranky, angry, impatient, barely using his powers for immoral purposes… He pushes the X-Men to the brink and continually sequesters himself with a troubled Jean.

Meanwhile, Bobby and Hank’s date with Zelda and Vera is interrupted… again. At this point, I just have to believe that Zelda and Vera are embroiled in some torrid lesbian relationship, while Hank and Bobby serve as their beards.ANYWAY, their date is interrupted by the Grotesk, the last remaining heir to an advanced subterranean species who have recently been slaughtered by an earthquake machine of human making. Look, how many underground societies does the Marvel Earth even have? Did these Grotesks live next to the Molemen? I…

In defense of Grotesk, spinning him around like a fucking bola is one of the top three things I´d like to do with Angel too. (X-Men 42)

The X-Men try to stop the Grotesk from sinking the Eastern seaboard into the Atlantic, and in the end, the Professor sacrifices himself to stop him, paying pays the ultimate price!

OR DOES HE

To make it even more tragic, apparently Xavier was dealing with some mysterious illness that neither human medicine nor mutant powers could cure. But before he died, he somehow transferred his powers to Jean. (Either pretend this happened or retcon it him awakening Jean’s latent telepathy.) Anyway, Chuck wanted to prepare them for the return of… Magneto. (Also Pietro and Wanda.)

Quicksilver crashes Xavier’s funeral, unsure whether he should ask the X-Men for help. He doesn’t. Meanwhile, Magneto somehow has duped some hapless time-displaced TikTokker into filming the grisly affair. (X-Men 43)

What follows is a sort of confusing crossover with the Avengers where the X-Men mostly get sidelined in favour of some drama involving the House of M. Wanda has some temporary mental damage that only Magneto can cure? Also, Pietro hates humans now, which, given the state of the world in general, I can only concur with.

Magneto captures the X-Men in customized cages, designed to be unescapable, but Angel escapes by simply pushing the right button. He flies off to get help, stumbles upon a weird and ultimately meaningless side quest and finally returns with the Avengers!

But! Magneto turns the X-Men against Earth’s Mightiest Heroes! Just kidding: the X-Men pretend to go along with Magneto’s mind games, but this was all a plot concocted by the heroes to make Magneto feel like he’s winning. Instead, the heroes attack and drive Magneto back. Toad, who finally is fed up with Magneto’s abuse, emancipates himself and defies Magneto, kicking him out of the helicopter he, Wanda and Pietro flee in. Magneto seemingly falls to his death in the water.

OR DOES HE.

First of all: why would Magneto just make a non-ferrous aircraft? Second of all: why would he then BRING IT ALONG? Big mad. (Avengers 53)

Following Xavier’s death, Foggy Nelson reads his will. The Professor bequeaths the school to the X-Men! Fred Duncan, Professor X’s FBI liaison is also there! And then! Juggernaut briefly returns from the dimension of Cyttorak, stirs up trouble and is then sucked back into the ruby of Cyttorak thanks to a Professor Ex Machina from the grave. This somehow convinces Fred Duncan that the X-Men should split up, fearing they may be too big a target for evil mutants and thinking they might be better at responding to threats spread out over the continent.

Yeah, Angel will be so much more effective when he isn’t part of a team of much more powerful individuals. (X-Men 46)

So, the X-Men split up! In NYC, Bobby and Hank battle Warlock, the most forgettable villain ever, when he interrupts their date. They also get into a fight with hippies because of… poetry?

Yeah! Put the slam in poetry slam, odd beatniks! *aggressive finger snaps* (X-Men 47)

Jean and Scott ‘go undercover’ in California, with Jean becoming a model and Scott ‘pretending’ to be her superjealous boyfriend. So, instead of actually forming a relationship, they just pretend to have one? Fuck, these two are exhausting. Jean also forgot she attends a university, apparently. Which is just as well, because it means boring Ted and his boring brother disappear from the narrative.

They are attacked by an increasingly silly string of villains and it’s obvious that nobody really knows what to do with this book. They even skip an issue: the preview for issue 49 is something completely different than what we’re getting.

The year ends of a sort of high note, however, introducing two familiar faces. Mesmero,a hitherto unknown follower of Magneto, is amassing an army of would-be mutants by… hypnotizing them? Through their… X-Gene? Among them is a curious gal named Lorna Dane, who is rocking the brown hair. Bobby saves her from her drone-like state and keeps an eye on her while the rest of the X-Men investigate Mesmero.

Lorna meanwhile takes a shower, washed out the cheap dye and is revealed to have green hair. (Fuck yeah! But also maybe buy better dye?) Bobby and Lorna are captured by Mesmero and his cronies, and Bobby warns the other X-Men telepathically. They let themselves be captured by Mesmero too, figuring it’s the easiest way to find his lair. There, Mesmero awakens Lorna’s latent magnetism powers, and bestows on her two sweet titles:

Somewhere in Kenya, Storm is upset and doesn’t know why. (X-Men 50)

And, in another shocking twist (gasp²), Magneto’s alive!

You say ‘aura of unspeakable evil’, I say ‘prime dom top daddy’. (X-Men 50)

He fights the X-Men while Polaris tries to determine who she holds allegiance to: the father she just met or these other randos she just met. You’d think she would maybe not want to hang out with the raving demagogue, but hey. Maybe it’s magnetic attraction. The X-Men flee, forced to regroup, and we end the year there, with the ‘innocent’ Lorna Dane under Magneto’s thrall.

Didn’t you take Art History? Oh! Issue 50 has the familiar logo for the first time, created by Jim Steranko!

So one cape tassel goes over the shoulder and one goes under it? Why is there a little skull with horns in the middle? Why the strappy sandals? Mesmero, sashay away. (X-Men 50)

Ugliest Costume: It’s a toss-up between Mesmero and Polaris, but since I assume Mesmero designed Polaris’ outfit, we’ll just give it to him.

Best new character: I didn’t think she’d earn it, because I’m not the biggest fan of Lorna Dane (most writers use her as a plot device, rather than a character), but otherwise this would go to Grotesk and that’s never going to happen.

Most audacious retcon: Jean is able to psychically penetrate Juggernaut’s helmet, which used to protect him from Charles’ influence.

It’s also kinda funny how after years of retcons where Polaris, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver sometimes are and sometimes aren’t Magneto’s kids, how it is right now is the same as when it started: Lorna is Magneto’s daughter, the twins aren’t.

What to read: Nothing. This is not a great year.

Death proof: ‘Chuck’ kicks the bucket for the first time.

Rebellion

Tomura Shigaraki x AllMight!Daughter!Reader

Chapter 2

Premise:

When The League of Villians discovers that AllMight has a daughter, they are quick to snatch you up and hold you hostage. Shigaraki had a careful and thought out plan, but that was before you got there. Now you're in the mood for some not-so-healthy rebellion.

Word Count: 1,567

Warnings: Kidnapping, mommy/daddy issues? Fictional politics? Future chapters will include NSFW content and violence!

A/N:

I cannot describe how much fun I'm having writing this. Like I'm genuinley having a blast with this concept. The more I learn about Shigaraki for, "reseach purposes", the more I fall in love with him as a character. He's so complex, that character development, GOD! That charactet design, FUCK! The exploration of the complexities of mental illness from trauma and grooming, DAMN IT! He's becoming an anti-hero and I 👏 AM 👏 HERE 👏 FOR 👏 IT👏 Anyways, Don't forget to check out my Patreon! ❤

Chapter 1 Chapter 3 

You passed out again. Dehydration. 

You woke up in a sleeping bag. Your wrists and ankles bruised slightly from the restraints, but free. You laid there on the floor, looking over you noticed a few bottles of water and a granola bar. You took down one bottle in a matter of seconds before discarding it and starting the next. A horrible aching pain in your head raged on as you took in your surroundings. Light trickled in between the cracked of the barred-up window.

Your heart began to race as you began to sort through your options. Could you manage to escape through the window? Or were you on a second or third floor? Maybe if you asked to use the restroom, maybe there was a window there where you could get a better look.

Poor All Might, he must be so worried. Did even know you were missing? Of course, he knew, it wasn't like you to be out all night and gone in the morning. He'd probably called Mom by now, she's probably on a plane already. She's going to be furious.

After you finished a second bottle and the snack, you stood. You felt better. Not good, but better. You made your way to the door and knocked.

"Hello! Is anyone there?" You called.

"The doors open!" A new voice answered. The door let out a harsh creak as you opened it. It let out into the living space you had been in before. There, the majority of the villains surrounding you earlier sat around. You looked up to the figure that stood, leaning against the wall closest to the door.

"You're new." You mumbled.

"My apologies, Miss. I believed I was absent when you first arrived. I'm Mr. Compress." His sing-song voice reached out from behind a mask.

"A pleasure." You groaned back. "Why is the door unlocked, aren't you afraid I'll break free?" You asked the room. They all turned to look at you.

"I doubt you could fight all of us at once." The red-eyed man had the hand again.

"Bathroom?" You asked. Mr. Compress pointed you in the right direction and you walked off. The only window in there was way too small and too high up to help you. You finished your business and washed your hands before looking at yourself in the mirror. You looked tired and worn out.

You shuffled back into the living room and found the group lounging around. A Tv played the news non-stop. A few of them were passing the time by playing games on devices.

"I'm sorry...Who exactly are you?" You spoke to the room.

"Wow! You really are clueless!" The girl mused.

"Don't you follow hero news?" Patchwork asked. You shrugged.

"I never really paid attention to what was happening over here. All I know is what Dad has told me. He's mentioned 'The League of Villians' a couple of times, but I guess I wasn't listening. Hero news back home is, different."

"You know of All For One, don't you?" The red-eyed man asked without taking his gaze off the Tv.

"Yeah. You're his associates, or something aren't you? Like his henchmen?" A few chuckled.

"You can call me Toga!"

"Twice!"

"Spinner."

"Dabi."

"'Henchmen'...hehe. No, I wouldn't say that." Red-eye stood and began making his way closer and closer, holding a bottle of water in his hand. Careful to hold a finger away from it. "There is nothing I hate more than heroes. This wretched society that rewards such self-serving narcissists." Closer. "We seek to destroy it." Closer. You're backed against a wall now. You watched him place his last digit down on the bottle. It began to crumble before shattering to dust in his grasp. "My name is Shigaraki Tomura. You can consider me, All For One's heir. The future King of Villians." He came so close the wrist of the hand on his face rested dangerously close to your chin. His red eye stared down at you. Your heart raced.

"Oh yes. I've heard of you." You whispered.

"Good." He hummed before turning back and taking his seat again.

"How could you let this happen!?"

"I didn't know this would happen! She's strong, she's an adult now! I thought she could handle herself!"

"She's just a kid! She could be dead by now or worse!" Your mother cried. Her fists firmly slammed on the table where your father sat. Policemen and detectives scattered about the apartment. When you hadn't returned after a few hours, All Might went down to the gym. He found your bag, but no sign of you. First thing he did was call the police and then your mother. She arrived less than 24hrs after receiving the call. 

“Please Ms. L/N, we’re doing everything we can. We’ve got the best team in Musutafu looking for her.” Detective Tsukauchi was the second person he called. He felt better knowing his friend was on the case, he had faith that if anyone could find you, it was Tsukauchi. 

“Everyone knows if a victim of kidnapping hasn’t been found in the first 24hrs its hopeless! How could you be so sure about this?” 

“I understand your frustrations ma’am, but we already have reason to believe we know who took her, and motive. At this rate, we’re just trying to track down their location.” 

“Its the League isn’t it? They’re using her to get to me aren’t they?” Your father sulked in his chair. His eyes fixated on his hands which sat in his lap. He shook with fear, rage, disappointment, all targetted at himself.  He took sole responsibility for your kidnapping. Your mother fumed across the table from him, arms crossed, and nails digging into her arms. 

“Don’t beat yourself up, we’re going to find her,” Tsukauchi assured him. Your mother sat there, gritting her teeth as she gripped her phone. 

“I have to go.” She spat as she got up. 

“Huh!? You’re not going after her yourself are you?” 

“No. I sent for Xavier, Y/N’s boyfriend as soon as I arrived. I’m going to meet him at the airport.

“Boyfriend? Y/N never said anything about a boyfriend.” Your father watched your mother walk towards the front door as she threw her jacket over her shoulders.

“Yes, well, there’s a lot about her you don’t know, Toshinori. I’ll be back.” 

“What’s it like in America?” 

Toga asked with a wide smile as you sat with them. It was odd, they seemed entirely unbothered by you walking around doing your own thing. The front door was right there, you could have made a run for it. You knew that was a bad idea. They knew, that you knew, that was a bad idea. 

“Oh, it’s alright, I guess.” You sat on the floor against the wall beside her. 

“I heard heroes work for the military there,” Dabi noted. 

“Yeah, they are. Back home, heroes are organized into ‘Military aids’, or ‘police aids’. Meaning, if you want to be a hero, you have to choose between working for the military, or independent police forces. A lot of heroes go into police work because it allows heroes to be community-focused. But Military, that’s where the money is. If you want to be a hero celebrity, that’s where you work.” 

“Yeesh, there aren’t any independent agencies?” Toga asked, pulling her legs to her chest. 

“I guess the police offices work like hero agencies do here. It’s just a group of people who are authorized to use their quirks to ‘keep the peace’.” You used your fingers to create air-quotes. 

“You don’t sound too keen on the idea.” She pointed out with a sly smile. You sighed. 

“I know things seem bad here with heroes, but in America, it’s worse. The system was built so that people wish flashy quirks get the best out of life. It’s created a highly militarized country that only cares for those who have something to offer it. If you can’t serve your country, you’re considered trash.” 

“I’ve seen the anti-hero marches online. Things seem really out of hand over there. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a league over there too.” 

“It’s not anti-hero, it’s anti-military. If we could take away the idea that we’re supposed to serve the system, then heroes could be held accountable for their actions as individuals, not part of a flawed system. When you give these people so much power, they ultimately abuse it and leave the rest to rot.” 

“You sound like a villain,” Dabi smirked. You sighed, having realized how loud you got. You were passionate on the subject. You spent your college years working to analyze and fight against the system. The system your mother so willingly played into and encouraged you to do the same. The system that killed your friend. 

“Maybe here things are a little more simple. But back home not everything isn’t so black and white.” 

“It isn’t here, either.” Shigaraki groaned from his place on the couch, facing away from you.

Taglist

@craftybean13 @babayaga67 @imjustverable

I watched Birds of Prey and I really enjoyed it, a lot more than I thought because it seems to sidestep DC’s agressive meh-ness for something that’s very much its own movie (I am so incredibly bored of all the superhero sameness). I would definitely watch it again, it’s not deep but it’s just fun and well made. 

I read this article about how the fighting in it was very feminist because it felt realistic of how women would fight, they fight for survival and to disable their opponent as fast as possible because they don’t have the luxury to be showy about it, so it’s very fast and dirty and use whatever they can. At the same time it incorporates elements of individuality, like how Harley used to be a gymnast and Montoya a boxer. I’m just a sucker for a well made fight scene, and this was just quality. I loved the aesthetics too, that mix of weird over the top glitter and grime, that mix of cute and disgusting is just so interesting, especially for how not male-gaze-y it is. 

Harley is just...such a fun character. She was the only redeemable bit in Suicide Squad (which I’m still annoyed I watched), but here she’s freed of the extremely cringeworthy Leto-joker and all that infantilized ‘Daddy’s lil monster’ super creepy routine and fetishization of mental illness. In this movie, I love that she’s allowed to be messy, a bad girl with emotional issues, a temper and a love for chaos, without being punished for it. She’s so larger than life, she could become annoying very quickly, but here she’s just...funny, the movie’s comedic sense clearly is attuned to her, and she’s smart and gutsy - at the same time the movie never takes her too seriously. The climax, in particular, makes her appear brave, but not like a Big Damn Hero either, it’s very much a team effort. It works very well. All the characters are intriguing too. I loved Huntress (what a dork ! amazing !) and Cass and Black Canary. All of them, in fact. Their struggle to become emancipated was a very good baseline for the movie, it didn’t feel like fake empowerment because you could see what it cost them to struggle through it and they kept their flaws throughout. It had a very anarchistic undertone, which I loved. 

If I had a few quibbles against the movie it would be 1) the plot structure rhythm - while the cuts and non-linear storytelling bits were very interesting, it feels like the plot took aaaages to kick into gear, and honestly I am a bit tired of ‘the gang gets together’ type plots, I wanted them to come together earlier and 2) while Roman Sionis was, in himself, a good villain - adequately creepy and scary while also a little pathetic and fascinating - DC really hasn’t had enough queer heroes to earn themselves the right to put on screen such an obviously queer villain, and the way he behaved and was styled felt uncomfortably close to the ‘evil because gay/effeminate/sexually deviant’ villains of the past. I do like that they made Harley textually bisexual but it was a very much blink and you miss it moment, so...meh. 

All in all it was worth watching and I’m really happy we are getting more fun, female centric and directed action movies - but I’m really miffed at how there is this discourse that they are somehow terrible and ruining things (ala Ghostbusters or Charlie’s Angels) - like...we’ve had thousands and thousands of super over the top, often mediocre, super shallow male led franchises ala Mission Impossible or James Bond or Transporters but the moment we get a few female centered ones suddenly you have an avalanche of whiny babies that are like omg absolute failure blablabla and i’m just...Tired man. 

It feels relevant for this movie though. I saw so many dudes bitching about how Harley or Huntress weren’t sexy enough (which...what) and it’s so revealing of this framework that female characters are still stuck in nowadays ; they can be strong fighters, that’s not threatening, but they have to be so...polished, pretty, accomodating, pleasant, loadbearing, just really commodified for the male gaze, fitting that samey mold (look at most of the Marvel women) and characters existing outside that is still felt like an existential threat for so many manbabies and it’s just...good. Good. There are alternatives. It makes it more obvious how artificial those stock Strong Female Characters are, how textureless and unsatisfying. I live for fictional women who are allowed to be petty and not sexy and ridiculous and messy and chaotic and selfish and clever and dorky and charismatic and awkward and just, you know...real. 

The loss of heroes

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             Definitions

 

PTSD-. (is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

D.I.D- “a mental disorder characterized by the maintenance of at least two distinct and relatively enduring personality states.”

P.P.D- (depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood, and fatigue.) 

Depression-Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems

Schizophrenia- schizophrenia (a serious mental disorder in which people interpret reality abnormally. Schizophrenia may result in some combination of hallucinations, delusions, and extremely disordered thinking and behavior that impairs daily functioning, and can be disabling).  

Hallucinations- perception of objects with no reality usually arising from disorder of the nervous system

Conventions-A convention, in the sense of a meeting, is a gathering of individuals who meet at an arranged place and time in order to discuss or engage in some common interest. Valkyrior- Within the context of Marvel's shared universe, the Valkyrior is a group of female warriors led by Brunnhilde / Valkyrie that was originally designated by Odin to bring the souls of slain heroes to Valhalla.

God Khonshu- Khonsu (Ancient Egyptian: ḫnsw; also transliterated Chonsu, Khensu, Khons, Chons or Khonshu) is the Ancient Egyptian god of the Moon.

Inertia- a tendency to do nothing or to remain unchanged.

Iron man’s addiction- alcoholism

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Hero a person who saves others. What about the kids who don’t have their hero. What about the kids whose hero was iron man, captain America, Thor, hulk, people like that? Our heroes are gone and we don’t have hope anymore. People say it's all going to be ok, we’ll be ok but what about when we lost all hope. What about those of us whose heroes we remembered as the creations of stan lee. Imagine the silence that has echoed for almost two years and it is still here. It’s not going away. The yelling of the depressed scared kids comes across deafened ears. Our pain fills our ears, mouths, and brains its overriding everything we’ve got left.

Young people now barely past 23 still choke on the mornings of a certain September day. Seeing a corrupt country that still somewhat loved its country shattered to its bones. Broken-down voicemails of a man giving up his right to a family. People staring out windows as a pair of buildings seen as a CenterPoint of a nation crumbles to ash and death stung the air.

Kids shaking in fear as another child points a gun at them. Their last moments in a place that swore it would protect them. Their heads screaming a blissful cry of fear at finally not having to fear this moment again. Yet crying out for someone like their own ‘friendly neighborhood Spiderman’ to come and save them.

So many of us thinking maybe just maybe if ‘so and so heroes’ were real maybe things would be better. Maybe if they were, daddy/ mommy would’ve made it home because they could’ve stopped the fire, the crash, the shooting. Maybe if they were real we could go to conventions and have them give us another reason to smile.

Our generations need so many heroes, heroes like Valkyrie who shows strength in not only being a beautiful woman of color, a leader of the Valkyrior, and a woman who is on the LGBT spectrum. We need heroes some like Deadpool who talk people from jumping off buildings those who remind us we might not be great people but we can change and better ourselves. We need heroes like Moonlight, wonder woman, or Daredevil each of these three has different illnesses I will do a quick explanation of their illnesses, but we need heroes like this who remind us and tell us that it is ok. That even heroes aren’t perfect they are ‘human’ in so many cases.

Moonlight who is a male character who supposedly was given powers to him by an ancient Egyptian God Khonshu. He has been depicted as having D.I.D.  He has also been shown hallucinating to the point that in certain comics even the reader becomes confused: Did he ever even have powers in the first place? What is he truly experiencing? There is cases wherein extreme fear of situations he takes on other personalities for long periods. His most notable secondary persona is Jake Lockley. Some even theorizing he may have a form of schizophrenia.

  Wonder woman is a non-human who has a human appearance. She experiences a few mental illnesses although compared to some heroes they seem to lackluster and nonserious. Yet although hers are less than painful than some that does not mean they aren’t important just rather a different type. One said illness a very common one in heroes P.T.S.D. For her she had been living her life believing one thing only to find a large portion of the place the memories took place in being false. This and a mix of other things she has experienced sent her into a level of shock which sent her into a catatonic state. She would experience things such as hallucinations of a snake that came out of her arm and would talk to her. (Do not do what she did to help hers see a therapist for help if you can.) She ended up as much as some with an illness like P.T.S.D can she cured herself by doing a form of self-exploration. 

 

   Daredevil is a different character. His mental illness isn’t his only illness though. Matthew Murdock is a blind lawyer.  He is an extremely interesting character being born from a poor family. His mother started experiencing P.P.D. This led to her attacking matt as young age her husband jack stopped the attack in turn she left and joined a covenant in which later on would meet and connect back with matt. The more important part of that is rather that he could inherit depression. Later on, in his life this mattering on which version his dad who was a boxer would be killed for not throwing a fight. Either being a gymnast/Boxer as a child or be taught by the character stick. Either way, he would at some point lose his sight from trying to save a man from a chemical spill. This would aide in his fighting ability because of his enhanced senses. Yet as with many superheroes’ death plagued him like his own shadow. His two lovers both killed by a very common villain named kingpin. Depression would become an illness he is constantly fighting. A section a comic would show in a set of three panels of his fist seeming to push through a thick layer of a gelatin-like substance that didn’t want to bend. This representing the battle against depression the words accompanying this would hit home for many.  “Get up you have momentum now, don’t let the shadows pull you back in. Inertia is the enemy; do something, move. Move Matthew”

  This is not to say generations raging back long before D.C. was even an idea didn’t need heroes. Yet rather than their issues were different not to say they didn’t deserve them. Those times didn’t have them and then seemingly losing them.  Logically they probably did posters for survival and fighting spirit but they could see and hold the hope themselves without needing to hear things like this to believe they were safe…

  “I am iron man” and think that he will protect me even through a screen or comic book page.

  “I could do this all day” Imagining him using his shield to protect you from bullets physical and metaphorical.

  “With great power comes great responsibility” Knowing that he’ll catch you as you fall into your depressive episodes.

  “Odin’s beard!” Knowing that although he could be doing other things there were those with powers to hurt yet use them to help

  “Excelsior!” That no matter what there will be hope and there will be those willing to save you in the darkest times.

  Now “I am iron man” echoes in pained breaths. “I could do this all day” feels more like a mock of how hard our lives trying to break us down. “Odin’s beard!” Feels like lightning piercing the heart knowing it may never sing out its call again. “Excelsior!” Now there’s an emptiness it licks at the ears, eyes, brain, and heart and it feels like it will never refill.

The face of hope seems stripped away now as a series of movies and characters have finally waved a long-awaited farewell. Wolverine said goodbye as time has gone on the x-men series slowly seemed to lose its tact yet there was always a joy knowing there was a mix of different people keeping us all safe.

  Iron man gave his most graceful goodbye, and now his addiction seems more appealing so there’s still a connection. America placed his shield away and watched his sunset, now fighting so that way someone is protecting others seems kind. Thor laughed booming and it echoes trying to claw anything close enough to that joy one last time.

  Memories of our heroes will always be here leaving an aching in the lungs.

shane dawson&co (tw for mentions of abuse, racism, mental illness, and sexual content mentions)

shane is...interesting. his yt career appears normal at first glance but in reality, it’s more than just that. shane first started yt in 2008 when homophobic and racist jokes were still The Thing To Do back when. but, he did those jokes for years. he relied on shock humour to get views and these jokes continued until only about 3-4 years ago. while he has apologised for blackface and playing a racist stereotype in videos (shanaynay), he’s also made multiple pedophile and zoophile jokes (ex. him making jokes about jacking off to children and a joke about about cumming on his cat). those resurfaced and he, again, apologised and claimed to do better. now it’s 2020 and he’s given platforms to a racist (jeffree star) and to someone who trivialises trans and mentally ill individuals (trisha paytas). he also helped to “cancel” james charles and said he just needed a “slice of humble pie” despite nearly driving james to suicide. shane has also sexualised dan and phil, saying they’re gay in a conspiracy video and once asking the psychic twins if the theory of them being gay is true. he’s also made gross comments to dan (ex. saying he wanted to “face fuck” him). again, shane has made another apology video and has claimed he will “do better.” problem is? he’s blaming his racism on having a bad childhood and having trauma. i was abused by a close friend for years and have severe trauma but you don’t see me doing blackface. that is not a valid excuse. having daddy issues doesn’t make someone racist. he also never apologised about sexualising two gay men despite that being heavily talked about. it would be a miracle if he doesn’t know about it. he also continues to stay friends with people like jeffree which is definitely not good, given that they are horrible people. given shane has been cancelled so many times, i doubt this time will be any different. unless it’s obvious he has tried harder, i don’t believe him. the past few times, he hasn’t really changed at all so why would this time be different? i guess only time will tell but i definitely do not support him in this situation, although i do hope he actually changes.

Rewatching One of Us

First things first: Ming Na Wen and Blair Underwood make a stunning couple. No wonder FitzSimmons forgot all about their interpersonal strife and immediately fell into shipping mode.😁

Any civilian marrying a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent would have to be a pretty awesome individual because it’s a crazy job that’s quite hard to relate to even when the rest of the world doesn’t think they’re all nazi-adjacent terrorists.

Dr. Andrew Garner is pretty awesome. Warm, smart, accomplished, entirely too charming and, as we’ll see in 2x17, completely supportive and not even a little bit threatened by his awesomely kickassing wife.

He also manages to make Daisy open up in just a couple of conversations, despite the fact that she’s at her most recalcitrant and defensive yet. Why S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn’t have a psychologist on staff permanently with all the craziness they endure will forever be a mystery. Too much Star Wars, not enough Star Trek in Coulson’s Netflix queue, perhaps?🤭

The episode also shines a (brighter) light on S.H.I.E.L.D.’s treatment of “gifted” people and it’s not a pretty picture. Cal’s new associates are “highly dangerous” criminals (Karla was an abuse victim first and we aren’t told much about Angar. Levi has no moral compass and Francis was a mob enforcer) but stashing people away in secret floors of mental institutions, subjecting them to physical implements that look like borderline torture (Angar’s especially) is a little fucked up, regardless.

May insists to Andrew that it’s a different S.H.I.E.L.D. but they’re dealing with Skye’s powers following the same old rules and preconceptions. Skye has exiled herself in the cage and Jemma is considering a pharmacological solution to “dull her emotions [...] as a stop gap measure” which parallels Francis’ containment. They’ve put her on the index and at this stage her powers are viewed exclusively as a danger to contain, a threat to assess (notably, by Skye herself as well). They’re making her comfort food and calling in charming psychologists but Andrew’s “None of it has changed” has merit.

And then Mack introduces us to “Real S.H.I.E.L.D.”. With hindsight, if that’s the change, I’m quite happy with the status quo, thank you. 😁

Daddy Dearest:

Cal forms his own little team of misfits to go on an ill-advised crusade against S.H.I.E.L.D., adding a few more dead bodies to his ledger and taking a bunch of high schoolers hostage in the process. Apparently, he hasn’t figured out yet that putting innocents in danger is *not* the way to his daughter’s heart. This little team leadership gig earns him a time-out in the company of the yet unidentified Inhumans and we learn that, on top of everything else, Cal is also a terrible house guest. Note to self: if deranged parents of future superheroes come to visit, hide all the furniture.

She’s Got the Powers:

The bruising was caused by capillary ruptures in your arms. X-rays showed more than 75 hairline fractures from your clavicle to your fingers.

Gordon will say that most (Inhuman) gifts come with a price and this is Daisy’s, though at this point is still strictly presented as a  control issue. Trying to “lockdown” her powers just redirected them inward. The risk to herself when she overuses her powers for an extended period of time will be introduced later.

Stuff that crossed my mind:

S.H.I.E.L.D. implanted Levi with a chip to make it impossible for him to use electronics. I suppose it’s a good thing they had bracelets by the time Skye came around, uh?

I know. I sound bat-guano crazy. Except S.H.I.E.L.D.’s not so mighty anymore. A handful of agents. Director is a door-to-door salesman of a man. You don’t sound bat-guano crazy. You are bat-guano crazy. You’re also not the first to underestimate Coulson. FYI, it never ends particularly well for the underestimator.

I got to say, Director, no doubt, the best grilled cheese I’ve ever had. -- Secret ingredient. Don’t ask. I will not disclose. Head-canon: he disclosed it in The Letter(tm), that’s what made her laugh.

I assume you’re putting me on the gifted index. -- We are. And doesn’t she look thrilled. Just so you know, I’m side-eyeing you right now, Phil. Also doing my hate face. There may even be glaring.😒

My entire life, I've been searching for my parents, and my search ended with answers that are so much worse than I could have imagined. And yet, this isn’t as worse as it’ll get.

Protocol is anyone on the index undergoes a full psych eval and threat assessment. Normally I would snark about your stupid protocols that were after all constantly ignored or sidestepped in S1 but frankly you could all use a good therapist. Mack’s first hire when he got the director’s job should have been one. There’s only so much that beer and pizza nights can do.

The mist triggered something inside them, something waiting to be activated. But how Skye is able to [...] create a vibrational force? That I don't understand at all. Well, her newly activated macromolecules contain a protein called Plotin, which is responsible for all kinds of fascinating metabolic reactions and...nevermind, it’s a long explanation. I’ll send you the paper 😁

We're spies. We lie for a living. Stab in the dark here, but it sounds like you may have some trouble separating personal and professional.

I have to accept that he's different now and our relationship won't ever be what it was. -- Little early to sound the funeral bells, don't you think? -- A betrayal of trust like that, it changes everything. Can you feel it? The five years old emotional imprint of millions of shippers crying out in terror?  😉 Also, Bobbi, are you worried about you and Hunter just yet?

Culver University. The go-to higher learning institution for the academically-inclined Marvel characters.

Why me? Is Skye that bad? -- She’s that good. Good agent. I’m her S.O. Yes, Andrew, it’s all out of very professional concern as I’m sure you will figure out 30 seconds into your first conversation with Skye.

You show up asking for a favor, but when I called you after S.H.I.E.L.D. collapsed to check if you were all right, not a word. -- It was a busy time. Well, I think there was at least that one night at the motel with everyone chilling...but I won’t rat you out. 🤫

My sessions with her are in private. My evaluation won't be. She gets a copy. My duty is to her, not S.H.I.E.L.D. Oh, I love him already.

I did not know that you were married. -- Now you do. -- He seems nice. Fitz trying personal small talk with May. A year ago he would never have dared.

I appreciate the extensive and thorough debrief, Agent Simmons. -- My pleasure. I know that look, Jemma. And I fully agree. 😍

Did you guys have actual conversations? You know, like, pillow talk, or was it just pillow stern looks?🤣 None of the Bus Kids can reconcile the May they know with the May that married Andrew but the sad reality is that the laughing, teasing May that surprises Fitz a few scenes later is May. Or used to be. And Daisy’s attempts to avoid talking about herself are inadvertedly picking at a very painful scar.

Of course. You're an agent. And I imagine you must be afraid that you're gonna lose that. There’s no fooling, stalling, flustering or derailing this one, Daisy.

How does it feel when it's happening? -- It's terrifying. One of Daisy’s “happiest” scenes is in S4 when, about to regain her powers in the Framework, she grins in gleeful anticipation, welcoming what the first time around was terrifying and marred by tragedy. Then of course S5 happened and her powers were once again something she feared.😩

A little gossip won you some points. -- I appreciate you giving me permission to disclose details when necessary. It’s so sweet that May did this and that she knew it would work.

Yeah, they're a bizarre pair. He listens for a living, and she doesn't speak. 🤣 FitzSimmons are shipping Meldrew hard enough that it distracted them from their current friction and they slipped back into their comfortable back and forth.

So he got his hands on some experimental steroids. Left him incredibly strong. Brains? Not so much. -- God doesn't give with both hands. Says the stunning statuesque blond who is a martial arts expert, is fluent in several different languages, has a PhD in biology... 🤨😁

Sir, these people are on the index, but they're not exactly gifted. -- They were considered highly dangerous. A larger part of the index functions as more of a watch list. Which is fine. For people with a criminal history. The fact that the same watch list houses the crazy serial killers and people who are only there for a quirk of dna or the occasional freak accident is a bit of an issue! (yep, glaring now).

Coulson was born in Manitowoc, Wisconsin, where his dad was both the high school football coach and history teacher (is that common in American HS? Seems weird). He died when Phil was nine and was a car enthusiast as we will learn next episode. Cal is also - likely - from Wisconsin as well. He owns property and had a practice in Milwaukee where he and Jiaying had planned to raise their daughter.

How about you show me an inkblot and I'll tell you about my first time? -- Humor. So that's your thing. [...] Good pep talk. Thanks. -- Sarcasm. Same purpose. Avoidance strategy. Oh, he’s got you pegged.

Dinner. Got your favorite. Hawaiian. Meat and fruit? Doesn't really work for me. It works, but not on a pizza! *cries in Italian*

Hey, look, man, I'm just doing what has to be done. Oh, good grief, not you too.🙄

Look. You put me on the index. You're doing my intake assessment. How about we let my dad know? So he can become...angrier? 🤔

Here's a fun fact. He killed the man I had been plotting to kill for 2 1/2 decades! Disappointment! I hear you, buddy. I’m still a bit peeved Whitehall went out that clean.

What did you do?! -- Took a cue from S.H.I.E.L.D. We took their potential and contained it, inhibited it like you do. -- To criminals, not cheerleaders. Is this a bad time to inform you that you’re basically gonna order Jemma a pair of quake-containing gloves by the end of the episode? Though I suppose Daisy is not a cheerleader either and you were worried about the bigger picture. *calming breath* 😤

You won't kill her.  Yeah, he’s crazy, not stupid.

We need to understand more about their powers, especially how to stop them in case that becomes necessary. This is a priority, Agent Simmons. [...] And, Agent Simmons keep this between us. Don't bring anyone else in. “Anyone else” mostly meaning Fitz, I think.

I'm recommending Skye leave S.H.I.E.L.D.altogether. It's too much for her to deal with. Emotionally, physically. She needs to be somewhere safe to do that. Well, there is this cozy little cabin in the woods but paranoid assholes will wreck it. And this even cozier place somewhere in the Himalayans with her mom but then the same paranoid assholes will show up and her mom will react...poorly... 😩

She is safe with us. -- You really believe that? After Bahrein? You, better than anyone, know how badly this can end. Five years ago me was likely screaming at this point, as (im)patiently waiting for full disclosure of relevant characters’ backstory isn’t my strong suit. 🤣

We’re as close to a family as Skye has. Coulson said it in 1x14, Skye said it in 1x19 and now it’s May’s turn.

But now Bobbi and I work for an organization, an outlier that came out of the wreckage from what Fury left. [...] S.H.I.E.L.D. The Real S.H.I.E.L.D. My very dear Mack. Your “I’m the guy who kills Gordon” face is wasted for this. And the rounded shield logo looks better. 😛

There is no "us." You're not one of us. You're a science experiment. Well, technically, so are Inhumans. You’re just a few millennia removed from when the experiment took place.

A real question: OTHER than the ending, what are three things you would have changed about White Collar and why?

previous version of this; all those points still apply

They needed to pick a direction for Neal’s backstory and fucking stick with it. I return to this a lot, but in the earliest portion of S1 (long before I was in the fandom), Matt and Tim each gave a long individual interview about how they were conceptualizing the characters and where they could see the story going, since at that point in time basically anything could happen. Since so much was a blank, they each got to talk about where they were approaching things from, and they each had really concrete ideas of Neal and Peter’s backgrounds. Tim viewed Peter as coming from a really blue collar background, having excelled in academics, and having had to struggle with something like realizing he was smarter academically than his father. I still wish that had been reflected more in the writing (something I touched on in my previous response, so I won’t get into that). 

Matt’s conceptualization of Neal’s past is something I return to often, as it’s more sympathetic and consistent by far than what the show actually gave us. He referred to Neal as “trying to cover upfor ultimately a life before that that was really, as a kid, probably reallyunfulfilling” and “probably somebody whofrom a very early age [...] had to find out a way to get himself toschool and probably first learned how to lie to people as a kid, to get his busfare, and it only grew from there.” This is... ultimately not really what we get from him? If we had had Ellen around as more of a season-long plot instead of a rushed few episodes born out of a last-minute S3 OMG SOMEONE FROM HIS PAST!! reveal, it probably would have been handled better, but what the show gives us instead is this really big mess that... doesn’t make a lot of sense. What would have made perfect sense to build on would have been exactly what Matt said, Neal’s origins as a kid who grew up in a really rough spot and turned to cons as a way to survive, and they had a perfect in for this; it’s heavily implied when Ellen comes along that Neal’s mom had some form of untreated mental illness (at the very least, severe depression) that rendered her somewhat incapable of caring for him, and they just... totally drop that? To focus instead on his father and a really played out daddy issues storyline? That ultimately boils down to “I was afraid of becoming a criminal like my father so I became a criminal like my father?” (What.)

I wish we had learned more about Neal’s mom and what their relationship was like at the time of the show, even if that was no relationship at all! (This could have factored into Neal’s relationship with El, too.) I wish the show had cared to explore the really sloppy and careless allusions to mental illness; it would have been “nice” to see Neal, and Peter, dealing with that at times, and not just when it was convenient (coughs loudly in the direction of 2x07). We still don’t get a lot of storylines about men dealing with mental health; we already know TPTB rejected Peter going to therapy over shooting Adler for being ~too dark~, so this was a show that alluded to mental heath when it was convenient only to not want to dig into what that means for the characters. And I just wish they had made it clear that Neal really did start doing all this for survival. In the ending (that ending), Neal was, thanks to Eastin, ultimately an unlikable, self-absorbed prick who prioritized his own freedom to keep running cons over his well-adjusted, happy life with his chosen family (did you say not to bitch about the ending? um...), and if we’d had a clearer idea of his background that was not “I became a criminal because I just wanted to, I guess!”, it just.. it all would have been better. Maybe that would have made the ending better even if it still had to be that ending, because Neal defaulting back to running cons in the end would be more “he’s returning to what he feels he can control and what he knows” (which is the way Matt phrased it) than “Neal abandons everything stable and good in his life because fuck it why not!”

Don’t pivot everything around Neal. This is sort of the same thing as my complaint last time that Peter/Tim hadn’t gotten his fair share, but not totally. For a show where the two of them were meant to be co-leads, i think what unbalanced it was like... things tipped so heavily around Neal that when we got a plotline that could easily have serviced Peter and given him more focus, it just got shunted off to the side like it didn’t matter. My biggest gripe with this is the plot with Ainsley Hayes Calloway in Season 4. (Sidebar, practical note: I’m aware that what I’m about to say could well have been because the late James Rebhorn was unfortunately ill and they needed to drop the plot for the sake of his well-being, and I mean no disrespect of that. His loss was deeply felt and if it were a choice between carrying on with the plot without him or retiring it because Matt, Tim, or the writers felt they didn’t want to do it without him, I of course understand.) The problem with that plot is that in the S4 finale they introduce the problem of widespread corruption within the white collar unit, something that impacts Peter personally (how did this happen under his watch? how did someone who feels strongly about corruption and doing the right thing not notice this?), and then they just... fully ignore it after Peter gets out of prison. CORRUPTION IN LAW ENFORCEMENT DOES NOT JUST DISAPPEAR, Y’ALL. Another thing that would have benefited Neal’s character is him showing a desire to help Peter for a change. It would have been nice if he’d seen how the corruption was impacting Peter and if he’d offered to help on that front. Or, for fuck’s sake, for him to not need “this is hurting Peter” to want to do something. That would have been a good way to show Neal redeveloping his moral center--realizing that getting rid of the corruption in the FBI doesn’t just matter because it means Peter isn’t hurting anymore, it matters because it’s the right thing to do. (And oh, also, MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE CARED ABOUT CORRUPTION IN THE FBI BECAUSE HIS DAD WAS A DIRTY COP AND HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE LIKE HIS DAD. EASTIN.)

More domestic stuff that wasn’t just fodder for jokes. A constant thread they pulled was showing that the Burkes had the domestic life that Neal, deep down, really wanted. Something I don’t think gets talked about enough with Neal: he is a very rare male character who’s a traditional romantic (something Matt also states in that interview I quoted earlier). Despite his sexual prowess, he isn’t ever lewd or inappropriate to women, and we know from our glimpses of what he desired with Kate that he actually wanted traditional domesticity. He wanted to have children. He wanted to be married. (Does this mean he’d be good at any of that, no, but he saw himself as having that future, and I think even the show didn’t take that seriously past a certain point.) It would have been nice to see Neal grasping towards finding that with the Burkes by, say, showing up to help around the house. Or walk Satchmo without needing to do so as part of a case. Or help El cook, since in late S1 El mentions needing his knowledge for a taste test, so they knew that about each other. I know that, under the traditional TV model, there’s no “time” for something that doesn’t directly service the crime-solving plot, but you know, fuck that. I recently rewatched some random episodes in light of Diahann Carroll’s passing, and there were some really sweet asides between Neal and June that could have been built on as well (again, show Neal relating to these women helping him find the nuturing relationships he didn’t have with his mom! it would not have been hard!). What I mean as fodder for jokes is like, Mozzie and June having a book club, and Mozzie and El’s entire relationship--really, if you’d lifted out Mozzie and instead taken the space wasted on those dumb asides to build up Neal having the sort of home life he wanted, just in a different way than he’d ever expected to get it, that would have really helped the show.

You Are Going to Do Bad Things to Children

I watch her. I watch her. Advise my sibling and sister to watch out of the other vehicle window. I think they are playing some game. I believe that they think this is a game. They're too youthful to even consider understanding. My mom is on a crucial. She is searching for my dad. She thinks he is having an unsanctioned romance. She faces him in the parking area. He says nothing. It isn't as though he doesn't have a clue where to look yet I realize that it isn't valid. Not father. Not my dad. She is shouting at Clonazepam Generic him now. I don't realize whether individuals are looking presently, taking a gander at both of them, at this scene being happened before their eyes or turning away. I pulverize my youth journal when we get at home. I am a youngster. I am injured now forever. I don't have a clue what to do. So this is my main event. I remove page by page. I fix passages. You don't see the amount I cherished this book, this diary however I don't see yet how to communicate my sentiments, my creative mind. My dad gave me this book. Consistently he has given me a journal in January. 'This is yours. This is your diary.' And I grin up at him, and with this book in my grasp I can compose anything I need. Who do I accept? I am my dad's girl. I appear as though him. I don't look anything like her, my mom. I realize she despises me. Maybe they will isolate. Maybe they will get a separation. They commute home in isolated vehicles. I am numb, struck stupid. I don't utter a word. My mom is driving excessively quick. It is not normal for her. Her dress is over her knees. Is this what love is? Human instinct is human instinct. 'Daddy,' I state later. 'I don't believe she's your perfect partner. I don't believe you're intended for one another.' But he says nothing, he just winks.

 Sex, that exchange, lovemaking for me was constantly messy. I needed to stay a virgin everlastingly, unadulterated. I needed to be a sister. I realized I must be rebuffed since the beginning, make penances, consistently sport dark, and bow when I needed to supplicate however I was not Catholic. Be that as it may, my mom set that thought on the right track out of my head. She revealed to me that there were no nuns any longer and afterward I needed to be a cleric however everyone knows how degenerate church pioneers are. I realized that I felt harmed, deprived, and forlorn even as a youngster so I discovered solace in books. In any event, when I became more established and watched films where young ladies would evacuate their pieces of clothing viewed by a stirred more seasoned man I would feel nothing. Literally nothing. Possibly it originated from adolescence. The climax in both the male and the female disturbed me possibly it originated from the way that I despised my mom who I thought had been so off-base, so inconsistent with my dad (whatever had they spoken about when he charmed her I surely don't have a clue. He was refined and taught, he had a degree and she could type thirty-five words per moment and she had a confirmation) yet I cherished my dad and venerated him. What's more, for my entire life I have needed an ideal love and not a physical love. For my entire life I have needed to be shielded from the entirety of life's tempests, other ladies, more youthful ladies, young ladies, I needed to be given a haven to compose and as a grown-up I would watch the glinting pictures of erotic entertainment quietly shouting with chuckling inside. So this is the thing that people would do to consider kids, their brilliant holy messengers, and beneficiaries to positions of authority of fixation, substance misuse and abusive behavior at home. There would be practically zero exchange. I would get either madly envious of their idiotic voices despite the fact that I knew each seemingly insignificant detail from the props to the bed was phony. For what reason would I be able? What was so amiss with me? After all they were just on-screen characters acting, doing what they were advised to do, presented, coordinated, and anticipating. I was exhausted with everything and pondered where my head was at. Of affection and sex I knew literally nothing by any stretch of the imagination. It exhausted me however not the romantic tale, not the misfortune, the reject or dismissal, the darling male or female leaving. Little skank, little prostitute, those weren't words that exhausted me, that annoyed me. What's more, as I grew up the young lady in me kicked the bucket when my mom mentioned to me what occurs right now, is said right now in the house. I grew up rapidly. Misuse will do that to you. Maltreatment on account of your mom, aunties (her sisters, her sister-in-law) the Johannesburg individuals, menaces on the play area, pompous male educators, and your first sweetheart when you are away from home, ten years more seasoned than you. Did he drive me to do things I would not like to do? It hurt. They state it generally does the first run through round. I kept in touch with him letters however I was not in affection with him. The picture I had of my folks watching two exposed young ladies swimming, kissing with tongue, feeling each astonishingly out of the water, contacting one another, finishing each other here and there, stroking their arms, their bodies. They sunbathed naked. It was the first occasion when I had seen bosoms, the curve of a lady's figure and full frontal nakedness. What's more, something within me, a little voice said that my future life as a girl who adored both her mom and father and a future life as spouse, darling and mother had not exclusively been disrupted at the end of the day decimated until the end of time. I was only a kid who ought to have been sleeping in bed dreaming. Endeavored suicide is finished with the two eyes shut. This isn't my time. No passage of white light. Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton. The confession booth writers. Sylvia, Abigail the invigorated crazies. Take a gander at me. The South African repulsiveness story. A scene made of bars at the window, specialists, and therapists.

 The mental meltdown, bipolar, dysfunctional behavior, insane, crazy, lunacy isn't composed on the body except if you tattoo it on your arm with an extremely sharp edge or cutting. You can be the ideal kid yet can your mom splendidly love you in an imperfect world, in her defective world. She didn't need me with my easy merits, my stage plays and practices, my accounts, God help us, she particularly would not like to peruse my accounts. 'Leave it alongside my bed.' She said. 'I'll peruse it before I nod off.' And I did yet she had progressively significant work to do. Shower, dress, make morning meals, and go to work. 'Gracious, I'll read it later.' She said at whatever point I stood up to her about it. She was doing even considerably more significant work at that point. Watching her drama with her stockinged feet up on the couch seat, her impact points by it with her eyes half-shut, marvelous, Hitler however without the mustache and the mass of oppression. 'Kiss me.' She requested from my asthmatic sibling wearing his cowhand cap pulling his wagon around the family room. Also, I made unlimited cups of tea. Also, as I made each cup my heart would load up with trust that she would state, 'My shrewd young lady. You're growing up so quick.' But obviously she never did. We were foragers. We ate what we could discover in the kitchen and if daddy wasn't meditative he would go out and get us something to eat for dinner. My dad would cry a great deal and I would put my arm around his shoulder, scarcely arrive at it however and ask him, 'Would you like to discuss it?' yet that simply made him cry more diligently and it was much increasingly hard to make him stop. I was constantly close to the highest point of my group however there were issues, harms. They were continually battling.

 'Great night mummy. Rest tight. Sweet dreams. I love you.' No answer consequently and it skips off dividers. I am turning thirty-five verging on thirty-six. It will be my birthday in two months. Valium close by (in every case close), Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke beside my bed, Poems by Sylvia Plath Chosen via Carol Ann Duffy, Poet Laureate. Untainted in a grown-up world. The main world where I have a place is media, that and the nearby Olympic-sized pool. Stopped up in a confined youth proceeded, sentences butchered by chuckling, hacking, a closeted assortment of books (course books, verse and short story compilations, a string of J.M. Coetzee's books line a rack, The Childhood of Jesus the most recent), obscurity, traffic fills within me that was consistently the trade. I can just nod off with a bunch of resting pills. I take long snoozes toward the evening and wake up in close murkiness. Pills. Pills. Pills. Pax. Epilizine. Eltroxin. Melatonin. Clonazepam Generic. Ativan. I have no tendency to go to Paris. Rilke abhorred it there however then again Hemingway appeared to have taken to it like water away from a duck. In any case I experience the ill effects of vertigo. For the most part individuals go to Paris since it is sentimental. Isn't the Eiffel tower sentimental? You won't get me up there. I am a masochist and become restless as damnation when I am acquainted with novel individuals and spots. It alarms me. What a snicker? Did she applaud? Is it true that she was applauding? Is it accurate to say that she is glad for the way that I am a storyteller and an artist, not a government official, not a legislator's significant other or anyone's better half so far as that is concerned and not the writer or narrative movie producer I needed to be in secondary school? At the point when she sat down in the auditorium was she pleased, was she radiating from ear to ear like the Cheshire feline. Gloom is exhausting. Be that as it may, I'm utilized to it now. Like clockwork I'm transported off for a week or so to a clinic to recuperate from psychosis, mind flights. What an outing for my conscience? I can't rest. I can't eat. My sister never drops by. She doesn't live here right now, this hellhole any longer. She lives in Johannesburg. My magnificence days are finished. I'm apprehensive they've gone dead simply like all the men throughout my life. The main thing that is waited is my continuous flow composing, my journaling and my easy chair voyaging and the individuals that I love the most on the planet kicking the bucket on me when I wouldn't dare hoping anymore disregarding me to now hit the dance floor with the bold, swim with the fishes, eat dangerous sardines on toast that have an aftertaste like salt and light. The rooms are vaporous in the house. I need to make sure to take in when I return home from the emergency clinic. There's not a lot of they can accomplish for me there but rather hang tight for the fantasies, the psychosis to pass however the a sleeping disorder remains with me, winter's unresolved issue me home. I'm a claustrophobe in the word related room. They leave m

#078 | Truth

Mike Dodds/Klaus Hargreeves. Mike and Klaus get out of rehab.

Word Count: 1598

When Mike gets out of rehab, he has an apartment to go back to, a friend who’s been watering his plants and picks him up at the front door to say how proud of him he is. In spite of all the fucked up shit he’s gone through, there’s people and a place he can go to. He has a whole network of support for days when the craving hits hard, or his depression feels insurmountable.

But Klaus has nothing and no one. He was homeless before his third OD in a week had him forced into rehab, and his only friend besides Mike is his dead brother Ben, who he claims to still be able to see and talk to. The doctors referred him to a psychiatrist, but Klaus refused to do anything but talk in circles and lies and anything to keep from being forced to confront his issues. He’s like that, a mess and completely resistant to help. And it’s intoxicating enough that when they both hit thirty days at the same time, Mike offers him the couch in his living room.

The two of them walk out together, arm in arm as Klaus twitches with the need for a fix and talks in irritation to someone Mike can’t see, both holding their little plastic hospital bags of belongings that had been confiscated or otherwise stowed while they served their sentences. Peter is standing out front, leaning against his car with a smile on his face. A smile that quickly drops when he sees Klaus.

“You made it,” Peter says, pulling him into a hug, but unable to tear his eyes away from Klaus, who’s still talking to thin air. “And this is…?”

“Klaus. I offered him a place to stay while he gets back on his feet, he doesn’t have anywhere to go.”

Of anyone Mike has ever met, Peter is the most patient and understanding when it comes to mental illness, especially the scary ones. It’s probably because of his sister, and the way she went through life. Does Peter ever wonder if she would have turned to substance abuse, had she not gotten the help she needed early on? Would she have turned out like Klaus, drowning in drugs or hallucinations or both?

“Peter,” Peter says, holding a hand out for Klaus to shake.

For a long moment, Klaus just looks between him and the same empty spot he’s been speaking to all morning beside him. “Was she your sister?”

“Excuse me?”

“The woman beside you. Blonde. Looks like you. Covered in blood. Was she your sister?”

All the color drains from Peter’s face. He then silently gets into the driver’s seat, and does not respond. Klaus has a tendency to figure out how to hurt people, but it’s always general insecurities, stuff Mike picks up on from body language once Klaus points it out. This is too specific. It sets off alarm bells in Mike’s mind, the way they go when a suspect knows just a little too much about the case at hand. But obviously Klaus had nothing to do with Pam’s death, so what the fuck?

When the two of them slip into the backseat, Klaus choosing the middle because he insists his brother is sitting with him but he wanted to sit next to Mike as well, it’s time to ask questions. Mike hasn’t missed it, but something deep down says he has to.

“What were you talking about?” He hisses through his teeth.

Klaus laughs a little and plays with the medical bracelet curled around his wrist. “I told you, I talk to the dead. Apparently your boyfriend’s dead sister is still following him around, so.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Mike argues, as if that’s the important part of this. “And Klaus, you know that’s impossible-”

“Did you ever read ‘Extra Ordinary’ by Vanya Hargreeves? Her sweet little biography of the Umbrella Academy.”

No, he hasn’t, but it was big news when the previously unknown Number Seven spilled all the dirty little secrets the Hargreeves children underwent. There were sections about the family as a whole, and about each individual child. Number Four, Klaus, was the academy disgrace even before the book was published. Tabloids ran articles about him getting high during missions, and getting drunk on the streets as a teenager. Rumor has it that Four did it to suppress his powers because of how overwhelming they were, that Six joined him too for the same reasons before his death.

The dots connect. Four. Klaus. And his dead brother. Ben. Six. Holy shit. No wonder Klaus is so distrustful and constantly chasing after any high to get rid of the voices in his head, the voices that must be so much worse if they’re real and not a hallucination he can learn to deal with. Guilt at not believing Klaus the first time washes over him, but comforting Klaus is more important.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. At least I’ve got Ben to keep me company when everyone screams! Fun fact, a lot of people off themselves in rehab, did you know that?”

“Jesus-”

“No, I said it was Ben. Oh, by the way, Ben likes you. He thinks you’re very dependable and nice and…” Klaus squints and looks at the empty seat he insisted had to be left for Ben. “Oh, Benny, that’s so dirty-”

“Klaus,” Mike says gently, the way he always does when Klaus gets caught up talking to himself.

“Okay, fine, he didn’t say anything dirty. He just wanted me to tell you he thinks your eyes are pretty.”

Funny that Klaus blames that particular phrase on Ben, when he’s said it to Mike in the middle of the night when the nightmares are keeping them from sleep many a time. He’s always too tired to remember the conversations in the morning, but he says the company help. Once he admitted that people only pay attention to him when they want something for him, accompanied by a very lewd gesture. It set off alarm bells too, but a different kind. Mike hasn’t been in the NYPD, in SVU, for a good five years, but he never forgets the kind of pain he saw. Pain no one, especially not Klaus, deserves.

“Do any of your family know you were there?” Peter asks, suddenly reminding Mike that he’s in the car. “Or that you’re homeless?”

Klaus laughs, but it’s wrong. Broken. “No, of course not. Except for Ben, I don’t see them, like, ever. They all pretend I don’t exist. Oh, oh, except for Diego. We run into each other every now and then. He beats up my dealer, tells me to get sober. Yanno, real fun family bonding time. Fun fact, he usually picks me up when I leave rehab to try and keep me from getting high right away, but this last time when I OD’d and he drove me to the ER, right? He found me in the alley, it was this whole thing- but I expected him to be there when I woke up, and he wasn’t. The nurses said he wanted ‘em to tell me he wasn’t gonna come back.”

At the very end, his voice goes small and fragile. All he wants to do is hold him, comfort him, make it all better. Some very protective part of Mike in the back of his head says to start a fight with Diego, but he’s working on controlling those sort of impulses so he doesn’t act on them. That’s something else he started working through at rehab. He doesn’t need the high to control himself, he can do that on his own, all that stuff. And he’s got a couple shiny new prescriptions for bipolar with depressive tendencies- which he’s trying to remember to take even though they remind him a lot of obsessively popping xanax to make it go away.

“I’m sorry.”

“I deserve it.”

“No one deserves that,” Peter adds from the front seat. “They’re family, they’re supposed to love you no matter what.”

“Bold of you to assume they loved me in the first place. Honestly, I don’t even think any of us are capable of it, Daddy really fucked us up with the whole ‘torture and isolation and perving’ thing he had going on.”

The car jerks suddenly, swerving off to the shoulder and stopping too fast. Peter turns in his seat to look at Klaus with the same intensity he looks at case files with. Even knowing it comes from a place of concern, it’s enough to make Mike shrink back in his seat. But Klaus just stares at him with mild curiosity.

“What?”

“‘Perving?’ What did your father do?”

Klaus seems stricken by his own words and turns to the seat beside him again, listening to Ben’s input on the whole thing. As far as Mike has seen, Ben is usually the voice of reason for him.

“Calm down, he just had these freaky cameras everywhere, always watching. There was one in the bathroom, even. Five found it when we were like, twelve, and broke it. It never got replaced, or at least, not that I know. And to think, all this time the great Reginald Hargreeves acted like I was the slut who couldn’t control myself.”

“Klaus, that’s not okay,” Mike says in the calmest voice he can muster.

“Nothing in my life ever has been, so there.”

The car starts again, and they continue the drive back to Mike’s apartment, Klaus carrying on a one sided conversation- argument really- the whole way.