#fucking essay length thing under the cut
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twitter stop fucking up for one second challenge (impossible)
well,
here’s the thing. it feels like social media is changing lately. every social media site seems to be fucking up or getting worse in its own special little way. i recently read and thought a lot about this article which coins the term “enshittification” and describes the process by which every social media platform eventually becomes so greedy as to become unusable. it makes me wonder if the social internet is due for a big shift in the near future.
for a long time, twitter was the best place for me. for all its issues, it had the audience that i could reach the easiest, that was the most invested in my art. i got (still get) a lot of awesome replies and really great analysis of my work on twitter, which i didn’t receive on any other platform. i was able to encourage those readers by retweeting their comments and theories to show that i liked hearing their thoughts. i could use the Moments feature to organize my art and make my comic easily readable in order. and anyone could look at my twitter, account or no.
ever since the site was bought out, twitter is getting worse. i can’t use the app on mobile anymore because every reply section is drowned out by blue checks and choked with ads. the Moments feature was disabled and people couldn’t easily read my comics in order anymore. and this is without even touching on the bigger/more serious issues the buyout has brought to the app. these are just the ways it has made my personal experience of being an artist on there worse. and now, apparently, you can’t even look at my work unless you have an account.
it’s been pretty common in the past year for the new management to implement a bad feature and then undo it after backlash, and maybe this too will be reversed. but even if it is unimplemented, the platform will continue to get worse. all platforms are getting worse right now. all of them are becoming untenable to use without 7 bespoke browser extensions to block ads, hide specific unwanted content, force chronological order, and so on. on mobile i don’t even bother. apps are unusable.
on top of that, i have the personal issue of not being the type of creator who is particularly good at staying on top of more than one or two platforms daily. twitter has been my main for years now, so i’m pretty good about updating it very regularly. instagram is trailing behind, i usually remember to post there daily (especially as i’m remaking mine right now and posting my entire backlog) but sometimes i forget. and that’s kind of my limit. every other site falls by the wayside because i just don’t want to spend my whole day or life updating platforms. i know there are tools that can do it automatically for you but i don’t want to do it that way and then i’d have to figure out a new tool and get yet another account on yet another app and install yet another extension to use it.
i just want to draw. i don’t know how we arrived at this place where we need to be 700 other things when we are just artists. i draw and write, isn’t that enough? if i wanted a presence on tiktok i’d also have to be a video editor who pays close attention to trends and makes sure to transform my artwork into something people on that app are interested in. even if i just wanted to have a strong presence on say, twitter/instagram/tumblr/tapas/webtoon i’d have to take on another (unpaid) job as my own social media manager, meticulously managing my uploads across 5+ apps and making sure everything is up to date and tailored to what “works” on each particular platform. i already have a day job—i’m a storyboard artist. the art i post online is supposed to be made and given freely for my own enrichment first and foremost, and for the joy of sharing with others as a close second.
i wonder if we’re due for a mass rejection of this increasingly draining cable-wars-style model of spreading ourselves thin across multiple platforms just to reach the exclusive audience each one provides. i’m starting to feel done with that concept, but i still want to share my art. i want to hear my readers’ thoughts. i want to create things that connect with others. i want to do it without these ever-mounting obstacles.
what i’m doing about it is creating my own website at my own domain that belongs to me. i doubt i’ll be quitting social media when it’s done. social media is still where the audience i cherish lives. but you can bet that when that website is ready to be shared, i’ll be talking about it on every social media account i own. i’ll be telling everyone there’s a place to look at my art where you don’t need an account, you don’t have to struggle through a morass of ads, and you don’t have to line the pockets of a billionaire who bought a social media app on a whim. it’ll just be you and my art. alone together.
by the way, to @whatthehelljake i apologize for writing a fucking SAT essay on a screenshot of your reply. any exasperated tone here is not directed at you at all. it’s directed at this sea of obstacles that disrupt the simple concept of “i made art and i want to share it with you.” your reply is how i found out today that twitter made this change. i cherish the fact that you want to connect with my art so much that you alerted me to this. i wish that wasn’t necessary. i want to make my work on my own terms—and want you to be able to experience it on YOUR own terms.
all that to say, i think the website is going to be the main answer to this issue. i don’t see myself having the energy to update tumblr that much more often than i already do, though maybe i’ll try to pick up the pace a little now. we’ll see. holy shit if you read all this go drink a glass of water or something get up and stretch. ok thank you bye <3
#not art#fucking essay length thing under the cut#i don't know what else to say just read it if you want to know LOL
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please do car sex w gojo where after a date reader couldn’t hold back!!
a/n: short one !!!!!sorry sorry just like that week ive got two essays due and im a little panicky! pls bear w/ me as uploads will be slow ty :")
warnings: fem!reader, playful banter (it’s becoming a thing w/ my gojo smuts idk why), handjob, oral (m! receiving), like one (1) spank, fingering, little prep, unprotected sex, creampie / breeding kink, implied multiple rounds, n*sfw under the cut
you’re not sure about why gojo looked so damn good today. you could attribute it to the fact that you haven’t seen your boyfriend in at least two weeks or the fact that he’s abandoned his jujutsu uniform for a formal suit. but you’re equally as dressed to the nines as him, visiting a quiet but delicious restaurant on the top floor of a mall.
“any reason why you’re so quiet, sweets?” satoru always could pick up on your silences and your mannerisms; being together all through high-school, at both his and your lowest, through taking care of megumi and tsumiki does that to him. the squeeze of our thigh is a question enough, done more for comforting you, though, and not for the dirty, dirty reasons you’re thinking about.
satoru bathes in the red light of the traffic crossing, and you think he simply looks stunning in the fitted suit and tie, blindfold exchanged for his signature glasses and his blue eyes that are so blue they shine over the stop light.
you bite your lip, turning in your seat slightly and grabbing his hand, heart jumping when it wraps around your smaller one — and he smiles at your reaction.
“nothing.” you hide a grin badly, getting one in return when you reach over his slacks, hand creeping up his thigh and getting closer and closer to his centre. he already knows you need not comfort, but rather something else, letting you give his hardening bulge one last squeeze before red turns green and your pout is the cutest thing ever. “damn.”
gojo steps on the gas and you’re forced to sit properly in the passenger seat, hearing a boisterous laugh from beside you, but he’s not exactly a law-abiding citizen either. he tugs on your hand, placing it on his hard-on and grinds into your hand, pins and needles forming in his hands from how hard he was grabbing onto the steering wheel.
“can’t keep my baby waiting, can i?” it’s said breathlessly, a smirk on his face that switches between its smug look and a face of pleasure. soft whines leave satoru’s mouth as you palm it, eyes fixating on the way the strongest sorcerer melts at your touch.
at the second red light, your hands are already tugging at his zipper, prompting pleas from your boyfriend. he sighs when you‘re fishing out his cock, pretty pink with an angry tip that’s leaking pre-cum, and when you start stroking — you can thank god that there’s no cars waiting at the traffic light with you.
gojo has a hand under your chin affectionately, eyes boring into yours that are starting to falter under your hand. it strokes his cock, squeezing and releasing, making sure all of his length gets your attention. the pleasured flutter of his eyelashes are the prettiest, a whimper escaping his lips that sends a spark right down to your cunt.
“oh f-fuck— your hands are so w-warm . .” there’s a crack in his voice and he breaks from your eye contact to lean back against the seats. your hands pump him slowly, enjoying the sensual moment until a honk from behind you surprises both of you and gojo screams, hitting his head on the roof of his car.
“ow— fuck!” gojo tsks, ignoring your giggles before he gets back to driving, “the other lanes are unoccupied, idiot!”
gojo, in classic gojo fashion, points his thumb and says can you believe that guy? like a suburban dad, shaking his head and sighing and forgetting his whole dick is out until you’re bending over the stick shift, engulfing his tip in your mouth.
your boyfriend chuckles, a twinkle in his eye as he looks down at you, “impatient little girl, aren’t you?” you only hum, preening at the hand that strokes your hair, aiding you but never really forcing you down as he drives at a leisurely pace. gojo grunts out when you run a tongue up the underside of his cock, other hand playing with his balls. his fingers tense momentarily on your head, before they move down your back, cupping your ass and you moan around his shaft.
“i’m surprised you didn’t drag me into the bathroom to fuck.” he speaks through laboured pants, earning a soft glare from you as you continue to bob your head.
“there was only— mmhff— one stall . .”
“wouldn’t have stopped me.”
you bite down gently on his dick as a warning and he yelps and laughs, surrendering with repeated okay’s. you feel his thigh move below you, speeding up to his penthouse when you’re holding tight onto his legs, steering wheel bumping into your head ever so often.
“o—oh . . baby, baby,” gojo groans out, pulling the car to a harsh stop and yet you’re not stopping, slobbering over his cock while the twist of your back starts to ache. but the sounds your boyfriend makes is just too hot, sucking in your cheeks more and going for the hilt. you bury your face in his pubes, gagging a little at his sheer length.
“shit, shit, shiiit . .” the gurgling sounds resonate throughout the car, interrupted briefly when the hand on your ass slips past the slit of your dress, going right to where your panties should be.
gojo breathlessly laughs, “no panties?” a spank to your ass and you’re wide-mouthed over his slick cock, pussy clenching around nothing.
“dirty whore.”
you click your tongue with a wink, moaning when his fingers tease the tight ring of your entrance and you’re forgetting all about your job when his fingers enter from behind.
“probably don’t even need prep — so fucking wet.”
you hum in response, sitting back up and climbing right into the comfort of his back seat. you’re too far gone to care when you start stripping, pulling the single garment of clothing off your body and gojo gapes at your lack of a bra too.
“was i just too amazed with the food?” he aaks himself more than you, but the endearing question brings a giggle out of you, making you violently gesture for him to just get in the back seat, already.
he follows you, as he would anywhere, lips meeting yours in a soft kiss, “clearly you wanted me to initiate . . i will be a better boyfriend, prommy.”
you pull away to make a face, “satoru, please never say prommy in your life ever again.”
“whhyyyyy?” now he’s just whining to annoy you, pulling him right into your face and spreading your legs. there’s a mixture of playfulness and desperation in your tone, hips humping the air at the lack of contact.
“please just fuck me, satoru.”
gojo gives you a sweet kiss, positioning himself right at your dripping cunt. he’s focused on pushing past your tightness, throbbing tip just nudging into your walls and satoru sighs—
“since my sweet girl’s asked so nicely . . gladly,” the height of the seats are perfect for gojo, bottoming out in you and moaning so loud the next neighbour over could probably hear you, “you’re so— tight, mmfuck—”
gojo finds a pace, head tilted to right where your bodies connect just to watch himself slip in and out of you. you’re entranced, too, just with the beauty of your boyfriend’s face as his brows pull together and his mouth hangs open.
“sa— satoru . . g-god,” you’re dragging him closer into you with your legs, locking behind his back as his hips continue to drive into your tight pussy. you’re so pliant, juices coating his cock so easily that he has no problem thrusting into you. “o—oh, pleaseplease—”
gojo props a leg up, ramming his hips deeper into you and the periodic twitches of his dick makes your pussy flutter, hips stuttering when you call out his name in such a sweet tone it’s got him wondering whether you were an angel instead.
“angel — fuck me — you feel so damn good . .”
“think— it’s the other way ’round,” a chuckle weasels its way out of satoru’s lips at your cheeky comment, bumping foreheads with yours gently as he holds his stare with yours.
“silly g-girl . .” your hands wrap around his neck at that, coaxing him into another deep kiss, moaning into his mouth and the way his body jerks into yours is just so cute. his tie is discarded, your dress is on the floor of the car and his hair is everywhere and you like gojo the best like this: dishevelled and messy, in love with you like always and he would happily be like this all the time if he could.
the sheer pistoning of his hips is so strong that the car is probably shaking, skin against skin and your dripping pussy that wraps around him so good that he can’t hold on any longer, muttering into your lips. his hand reaches down to rub at your clit, sending your body into little shockwaves into his hold.
“princess, i’m gonna—” he groans into your mouth, betrayed by his own body before his hips stammer and he’s cumming deep in you, spilling his seed deep into your waiting cunt and his eyes roll back. he has no chance of recovering when you’re reaching your high soon after, clenching so hard around him that his hips continue to buck into you. your brain is only full of satoru, satoru, satoru, whining into his skin as he fills you up.
“s’full . .” you mumble, pulling away drunkenly, meeting his slightly dull ones from his fatigue. “need more.”
your body moves on autopilot, prompting your lover to lie on his back seat without any protests and he welcomes you like clockwork atop him. and when you sink down, you swear you see another shade of blue pop up in his eyes at the sight. there’s a small sigh from gojo when you reach his pelvis, body illuminated by the street lamps and the moonlight. satoru is always in awe of whatever you do—
“that’s my pretty, pretty girl.”
#asks#satorusugurubae#jujutsu kaisen x reader#jjk x reader#jjk smut#jujutsu kaisen smut#jjk gojo#jjk gojo x reader#gojo smut#satoru gojo smut#gojo satoru smut#gojo x reader#gojo satoru x reader#satoru gojo x reader#gojo x you#gojo satoru#jjk thirsts#jjk drabbles#jujutsu kaisen
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SFW:
Rarely cooks for himself because he’s always on the go, but when he does find the time to whip up a meal, it’s always the best thing you’ve ever tasted.
Dry sense of humor, but will crack a smile (and sometimes even a laugh) despite himself at your puns/jokes/general silliness
Stubborn as all hell. Will fight tooth and nail with you over the dumbest shit just because he’s so obstinate.
Speaking of stubborn, good luck getting this man to admit he was wrong. You could draft a whole essay in MLA format with a PowerPoint presentation on why, in fact, he’s completely wrong and he’ll still look you dead in your eyes and say “That proves nothing. I’m right.” Sir, no you are not, let me count the ways.
Don’t let that deter you though! He apologizes for his stubbornness in other ways--whether it’s a bouquet of your favorite flowers or bringing you coffee in the morning, he’s a man of action, not words.
Stoic and standoffish when you first meet him. It takes him a little while to soften, and there’s a big part of him that wants to cave, to break down those walls and open himself back up, but he fights it every time. Despite that, he craves softness and warmth, so when you come along to give it to him in droves, it’s a losing battle for him to keep you at arm’s length
Once those walls are down it’s like night and day. He’s handsy, can’t keep them to himself. He’s always gotta be touching you in some capacity if only to remind himself that you’re real and he needs to cherish every moment he gets with you because he knows better than most how quickly things can change.
Will always make time for you. Doesn’t matter the time of day or night, doesn’t matter what he’s doing, you call and he’s on his way.
Uses all sorts of pet names on you in English and Spanish. Mi cielo (my heaven/sky), mi alma (my soul), chula (cutie), reinita (little queen), mi amor (my love), babe/baby, angel, sweetheart, sunshine, and bunny to name a few. If it’s sweet and makes you fluster, he’s all for it.
Speaks Spanglish a lot, especially when he’s mad. Will switch between both so fast you can hardly keep up, and he’ll stop mid-rant and give you a sheepish smile, shrugging his shoulders. “My mouth has a mind of its own, bonita. Lo siento.”
Calls you often when the two of you are apart. Can’t end his night without hearing your voice. No matter where he is, you can guarantee your phone will ring right before you fall asleep every single night. He always says he’s just calling you to say goodnight, but then the pair of you end up talking for hours. Not that you mind, the lack of sleep is worth it.
NSFW under the cut 18+ NO MINORS.
NSFW:
Oscillates between a hard and soft dom depending on the day he’s had or the mood he’s in, but regardless of that, he’s always the top.
Eats for his pleasure. When his face is buried between your thighs, it’s not about you, it’s about him and he’ll eat until he’s satisfied, regardless of how desperately you try to shove him off. “Nuh uh, mami, m’not finished yet. Lay back and take it, huh? Be a good girl and let me have my fill. Tastes too damn good.”
Grunts and growls most of the time, but when he’s feeling softer that man 100% whimpers.
A vocal lover--he likes to taunt and tease you, overwhelms you with praise, forces you to answer his questions even in the midst of your fuzzy-headed bliss. “Speak up, princesa. I asked you if you can feel me deep up in that belly. Yeah? There we go. That’s my girl.”
His favorite positions to fuck you in tend to alternate, but he’s a big fan of doggy with his hand around your throat while you’re on your knees with your back to his chest, mainly because it allows him to sink his teeth into your neck and speak absolute filth in your ear. Missionary or a full blown mating press and prone bone are others he enjoys. Also likes to pound into you from below when you ride him--again, this man is all about control so even when you think you have the upper hand, you don’t.
Big on marking you--with his fangs or otherwise. When you ask him to bite you for the first time he goes absolutely feral, fucks you so hard you can’t walk right or sit down for a week, your chest, neck, and back littered with bruises, bite marks, and a prominent puncture wound at the hollow of your throat.
Stamina for days. My guy could spend hours on end fucking you into the mattress and he does every single time. There are no quickies with Miguel--when he makes time for you, he makes time. Will clear out an entire day and dedicate it solely to taking you apart and piecing you back together just so he can do it all over again. “One more round, baby. C’mon, need it. You’re not gonna deprive me, are you? Nah--you know better. Open up for me, chula, just like that.”
Big breeder balls. (Sorry, I don’t make the rules.) My boy will stuff you so fucking full. Practically cums buckets and loves to watch it ooze out of your abused little hole when he’s finished pumping several loads inside you. “Lookit that, huh? Ese pequeño coño está lleno, ¿no?” (That little cunt is stuffed full, isn’t it?)
To be continued…..
#miguel o'hara headcanons#miguel o'hara x reader#miguel o'hara x you#miguel o'hara x y/n#sipderman 2099#miguel o'hara fluff#miguel o'hara smut#smut writing#spiderverse imagine
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UNRELIABLE NARRATORS; SEMI FINALS
*NOTE; propaganda is out of order due to the post length!
Eugenides Propaganda:
the entire plot hinges on a detail he lets the reader (and every other character) assume is true. I don't want to spoil it because it's a really fun reveal but he is lying from the first second he appears on the page and you can't trust him to tell the full truth about ANYTHING related to himself and his goals. he mostly does it to keep his advantage and not have other characters be suspicious of him but it's just so fun when you realise he's been lying the whole time
Kim Dokja Propaganda:
I haven't read orv but he's fucking gotta be from what I've osmosised
He tries to remove his emotions out of the narrative soooo much, literally the most repressed guy ever. Okay so for context orv is about how this guy, Kim Dokja, has been the only reader of an obscure post-apocalyptic webnovel for years and the novel suddenly becomes reality. And at first you'll probably get the weird impression that his behavior is pretty strange for, you know, a literal apocalypse happening in his world - like yes, he is concerned with survival but he doesn't seem all that scared and he kinda treats it like a video game where he has to grind to make himself stronger and he also treats his companions like a party in an rpg. Then there's also the way he approaches the protagonist of the webnovel, from the start he just kind of describes him as a ruthless psychopath and jerk that is unfortunately a pretty useful ally. And also there's the fact that he carefully omits any mention of his past and when somebody asks if he's worried about his family when the apocalypse starts he just kinda... brushes it off? Anyway so yeah, this bastard is definitely traumatized, although I don't know how much of spoiler territory that would be, considering the fact that literally when he first reveals his trauma he's also unreliable about it. And turns out he does indeed, care A LOT about this world and the people around him. Because well, he kinda didn't care to mention that this webnovel that has become reality was like... literally his whole world before it literally became his whole world. Like, it was the only thing keeping him going for 10+ years and the protagonist that he likes to call a stupid jerk was his comfort character who he pretended to be when he felt like he couldn't handle something in his life by being himself. The protagonist is also canonically the person he loves the most according to a prophecy and he literally can't fathom the thought of him dying, even the timeline versions of him that directly oppose him. And I haven't even mentioned the Fourth Wall yet but I feel like this propaganda is a little long already
misreading the intentions of his companion (yoo joonghyuk) so many time.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTANDDD DOKJA IS SUCH A UNRELIABLE NARRATORRRRRR GOD I COULD WRITE AN ESSAY BUT I KNOW YOU LOVE DOKJA TOO BUT OMG HE'S JUST SO AAAAAAAAAAAH
Rest of Propaganda under cut!
he is the worst like actually. he starts the story talking about how normal and average he is. he is not. he is constantly mischaracterizing his friends and he's so good at lying to the readers that you don't even realize it at first. almost every single time he cries we have to be told by other characters because he never says it himself. there is literally a scene where his narration says "i wasn't crying" and then the in-universe entity that narrates the actions of people (orv is really weird and meta) says that he was, in fact, crying. honestly genuinely anything he says about himself (or doesn't say) cannot be trusted. he is just so frustrating. he drives me mad. i love him dearly. but he drives me so mad.
Dictionary definition of unreliable narrator. Does not tell the reader anything and then things happen and he's like oh yeah btw there was also this and this earlier but i just didn't feel like mentioning it. There's even a thing called the "Fourth Wall" that is able to see through kdj's bs so occasionally you get gems like,
Kim Dokja: I didn't cry
The Fourth Wall: [Kim Dokja was crying]
Imagine being so unreliable as a narrator you need a more powerful narrator to call out the actual narrator.
^ same submission, just spacing it out
This goes into spoiler territory, but; Kim Dokja is in possession of a skill called the Fourth Wall, which on the surface seems like it appears because he read the book that reverse-isekai’d into his own. However, as the story goes on it becomes clear that it’s pretty much a souped up version of his pre-existing dissociation. You cannot trust him to be honest about his feelings, his past traumas or his feelings about his past traumas, not to mention his tendency to just outright omit information that only gets revealed later on either when it becomes relevant or when an outsider POV reveals what’s actually happening.
Exhibit A: he says (in 1st person POV) that he’s not crying. The Fourth Wall immediately contradicts this (as it is literally words of the novel) by saying (in 3rd person POV) ‘Kim Dokja was crying’.
Exhibit B: Fails to mention entire actions when it shows him emotionally honest even in the slightest; we had to read from another character entirely when Kim Dokja was being physically affectionate with his companion. It’s so bad that there’s this entire paragraph about Kim Dokja describing himself hiding his eyes in his hands in jerky, weirdly specific detail and just AVOIDING EVERY WORD THAT MIGHT SHOW HE’S CRYING. The brilliance of ORV is that when you re-read the entire thing you get hints that ‘yes, this WAS hinted at the entire time’ but you have to dig it out of Kim Dokja’s repressed, depressed self-hating internal dialogue with your own two hands.
^ same submission, spacing it out (i really should've done this earlier.)
i am a simple man (not a man). i see a tumblr text post with the words “unreliable narrator in it”. i read nothing else. i reblog & tag #kim dokja okay but in all seriousness i’m just going with the musty basic example: so there’s this moment where he sacrifices himself to save this guy. as he lays on the ground bleeding out, he says “hey, you don’t like me, right? you should kill me to get some money” the guy says “no kim dokja i cant do that (going through the five stages of grief except there’s only one and it’s anger)” the constellations (twitch viewers irl) are like omg he (the guy) doesn’t want to kill his companion (kim dokja) and shower him (the guy) with money kim dokja: oh, he’s not killing me for the money. smart!
as i quote a brilliant youtube video (all of omniscient reader’s viewpoint in 6 minutes) “yoo joonghyuk sees kim dokja as a c_____”
yoo joonghyuk: companion
kim dokja: cunt
^ same submission, once again. spacing it out.
Hides his true feelings, tells the readers what he thinks is convenient for the plot and that his own personal feelings don’t matter or are not so significant. Has unreliable thoughts abt his companion and is a liar. And is also an omniscient reader.
Kim Dokja always perceived his companions in this like nonchalant way like “oh yeah we get along but really we’re just fighting to survive (apocalypse setting) it doesn’t run that deep” when they all do genuinely care for him and he does in turn. He just, doesn’t think of it as an equal relationship? Dokja’ll sacrifice a lot for them but will get seriously flabbergasted if they do the same thing, so fricking problematic. Not to mention Yoo Joonghyuk, his “Life and Death Companion” (read: husband). Kim Dokja always seems to think that Joonghyuk has it out for him, which is kinda true, but he is literally blind to the fact that he’s attached to him. Like, it’s so obvious??? Also they have hella sexual tension but that’s another thing entirely
se get some many pov changes where kdj in his pov just assumed things based on what he knew the characters would do. however because of his interference the characters have changed and he wouldn’t know that if it hit him in the face
He's an unreliable narrator because he lies to himself and thus the audience. He literally rewrote his own childhood core memory. If someone says, "this guy is my friend!" He will go through so many hoola hoops in his mind just to rationalize it. Because he fundamentally believe that no one could love him and even if they did they couldn't know him and he's just gonna hurt them. He cries sometimes in canon but a lot of those times it's not even mentioned as crying he's that unreliable of a narrator. No joke, one time this guys he has a gay thing with called him his "companion" to someone who had just killed him (long story) and this bitch thought "oh wow he's doing it for the coins (another long story) he's so smart i wish I'd thought to that. He's terrible. He literally has an exchange with something called the Fourth Wall (an even longer story) where it said "you're crying" and he said "no I'm not" but he was crying. He makes me insane because the reader is supposed to project onto him. He made me see how much of an unreliable narrator I WAS. ORV is just like that tho.
#kim dokja#kdj#orv#omniscient readers viewpoint#once again#if kdj gets this poll blacklisted again im blowing him up#eugenides#the queens thief#queens thief#unreliable narrators battle#unreliable narrators#polls#semi finals
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Don’t know if you made a post on this but what’s your opinion on DCAU Clark and how unapproachable(?) they made him in the later JL/JLU series without ever resolving it? Like I know the Cadmus arc hinges on him never considering himself a possible threat but it seems there was room for no much introspection outside a couple moments (that were later backtracked).
I've had like 6 half finished posts about this buried deep in the drafts for a year because I have capital B Brain Rot about this, but every time I tried to write it out I got six sentences in and wanted to rewatch the entire DCAU in order to get my facts straight. This time I'm resisting the urge, so forgive me if I forget specific episodes
Also, unfortunately for you, it’s nanowrimo, which means my brain is in Type All The Words Mode, and not Communicate Effectively and Succinctly Mode, and also I need a break from WSBF chapter 8, so. You’re getting a 3.5k essay sort of answering this question but not really. you will see
Thank you to my fellow lawyer for the defense of Rectangle Clark @januariat for helping to put this together
I do rewatch STAS and JL a fair amount, but much less JLU, so I actually don’t have much to say about the specific execution there. I’m planning on rewatching it soon. But for now…
To me it boils down to two answers. The Doylist answer, and what I think the writers really did have in mind, is that they came up with the Cadmus plot, knew it was an absolute banger of a storyline, and decided that it was worth compromising Superman's personality in order to write a good story. which is not something I can fault them for - as a fanfic writer, I make the same calculated tradeoffs every time I set out to write a fic. Characters are tools for narrative, even if these particular characters come with an additional weight of the tradition of collaborative storytelling that their most effective stories honor.
However, I do think it’s possible to, post-hoc, cobble together a Watsonian, narratively satisfying (if fucked up and sad) character arc for DCAU Clark if you also take STAS and JL into account. I think the key to understanding his character arc is his relationship with control. Throughout STAS, JL, and JLU, and then one more time in Batman Beyond for good measure, over and over again, he's manipulated and his powers and body are used as resources for other people. Obviously that’s not much of an excuse for becoming more authoritarian/overbearing/etc, Fascism Is Bad and I personally think a more IC superman would retreat more than double down (as in Kingdom Come), but looking at the totality of things that have happened to him before Cadmus, it's a little more understandable why he'd get close to snapping under the strain. Here's my personal reading of his arc, and the events that might have led to Clark behaving so irrationally in JLU.
cut for sheer length, but also mentions of manipulation, sexual assault, victim blaming, that sort of thing
One of the recurring themes in the DCAU is villains dehumanizing, depowering, and/or manipulating Clark. In STAS, Parasite, Lex via Bizarro, Talia and Ra’s al Ghul use him as a source for their own power. The Preserver and Maxima treat him like some exotic prize, disregarding his wishes. Jax-Ur and Mala use him and then betray him. But the most impactful, by far, is Darkseid.
In Apokolips Now, Darkseid defeats Clark, puts his bleeding body into public stocks, and drags him through the middle of Metropolis. Clark’s only rescued by the last minute intervention of the New Gods, and as a parting shot Darkseid murders Clark’s friend in front of everyone. Even though Clark prevents Earth from turning into Apokolips, it’s a huge emotional loss, and they don’t shy away from showing his rage and helplessness. But it’s when Darkseid returns in Legacy, the finale of STAS, that Clark’s life truly takes a turn for the worse.
Forgive me if this is all plot recap to you, anon, but I feel like a lot of people don’t know that STAS ends with Clark being mind controlled, heavily implied to be sexually assaulted, and forced to try to take over the Earth, killing god knows how many people in the process. When the military finally brings him down with a Kryptonite warhead and imprisons him, they nearly kill Supergirl in the process. Then Lex almost gives him a lethal injection, with a US general looking on, implying that the government approves of killing him. Lois breaks him out, he tries to get help for Kara from Dr. Hamilton, and then goes to Apokolips. Most fights in STAS have him shrug off blows. He ends this one bleeding from his mouth, looking almost dead. When he finally casts down Darkseid, tells the Hunger Dogs (the slaves on Apokolips) that they’re free… they turn away from Superman. They cluster around Darkseid to protect and heal him.
Those universal truths of a lot of Superman stories, that goodness and liberty and the American Way* always win? They don't in STAS. A representative of the US government (as far as he knows) has tried to kill him. He lost his temper and spoke in a harsh tone of voice once, because Kara was dying and he was hurt and desperate, and now his friend Dr. Hamilton, the man he trusted to repair the Kryptonian ship, study his body and his powers, one of the people who knew him best in STAS, is afraid of him - and, as we find out later, takes immediate, drastic, and violating action against Kara and against him. The series ends with the small town man standing on the roof of the Planet, hearing people hate and fear him, wondering how people will ever trust him again.
*I hate this phrase personally when used as a Superman Motto, but it's used here as a contrast to the fascistic imagery of Apokolips Now and Legacy (as well as Brave New World, which, hoo boy, we aren’t even getting into that one).
Six months (iirc) after the STAS finale, in Secret Origins, the US government has agreed to let a visibly older and wearier Superman help disarm the nuclear stockpile - only for this to backfire on him because it was a Plot by the White Martians. Clark’s let down the country again. He’s helped aliens invade again, and to make matters worse, he sped away in the middle of an attack to break into an official government facility to free J'onn. Clark founds the Justice League beginning from a place of personal failure, as a check on himself. Clark has power and wants to help people with it, but he’s been turned against people he cares about, and has twice now failed to protect the world. It’s worth noting that Legacy put him into the world stage; before, in STAS, I can’t think of any true worldwide threats besides maybe Jax-Ur and Mala.
Most of the rest of season 1 of JL isn’t particularly Clark-focused, although he does appear in a lot of episodes, but the themes of some of these episodes are potentially relevant to understanding his character later, so: brief bullet point summaries.
During In Blackest Night, Clark sees his respected colleague turn himself into an authority that turns out to be incompetent investigators looking for a scapegoat. Interesting. Surrendering to governmental authority/oversight didn’t turn out too well here.
During The Enemy Below, on Clark’s advice, Aquaman tries to solve his problems peacefully with diplomacy and is immediately shot in a life threatening assassination attempt. Peaceful diplomacy doesn't work so well for him.
During Injustice for All, Lex is dying of cancer. Clark tries to reach out and is rebuffed, with Lex going on to try to found a team to kill him and the rest of the League.
During Paradise Lost, Clark sees his respected colleague turn herself into the authorities and immediately get banished from her home for the crime of trying to save it with all the resources she had at her disposal. Interesting. Surrendering to governmental authority/oversight didn’t turn out too well here, again.
During War World, Clark’s again captured for exploitation. This is essentially a retread of The Main Man from STAS, doubling down on how some people see him as a thing to be exploited.
During Fury, Clark’s completely ineffective at preventing an attempted genocide of half the world’s population.
Season 2 opens with Twilight, one of the most important episodes for understanding Clark’s mindset during the Cadmus arc. Imagine, if you will, the above happening to you. Darkseid shows up at your workplace. And the man you’ve worked with the longest, your friend, your ally, tells you to cry him a river, build him a bridge, and get over it. Tells you to get over being brainwashed, manipulated, and humiliated. Tells you to get over having your broken and bleeding body paraded around the streets of Metropolis, tells you to get over having your friend killed in front of you for trying to defend you, tells you to get over almost getting your cousin killed. Sure, Brainiac is a planetary-scale threat; Darkseid and Apokolips are in real trouble. Clark was wrong to write off Apokolips and its people, and the League should absolutely have intervened in the situation. But the way Bruce went about it was… one of the harshest things DCAU Bruce has ever done, and one of the only times the narrative seems to actually agree that he was an asshole about it. And even then, you really need the context of STAS to understand why Clark is so furious and hurt in this scene.
Clark relents and goes along with Bruce’s plan to trust Darkseid, only to end up betrayed again, the whole ruse just another ploy for Brainiac to gain control of Clark, torture him, and use Clark’s body to upgrade himself. Clark had spared Darkseid back on Apokolips at the end of Legacy, on Kara’s advice. But now Darkseid’s come after him, again. Used him again to put not only Earth but who knows how many other worlds at risk, now that Brainiac’s even more powerful. It’s the downfall of Krypton, over and over again. And when Clark goes to end it, I think he doesn’t care that the base is about to go, as long as Darkseid goes down with it. That isn’t a price Bruce is willing to pay, so he teleports Clark out. And he’s wrong, again. “No one could have survived that.” Well… no, Bruce. Darkseid does, and Clark knows it.
During Tabula Rasa, Lex manipulates Amazo the exact way he tried to use Bizarro. Clark once again fails to guard against a terrible, potentially world-ending threat, and in fact makes the situation worse by his very presence.
Then we come to Only a Dream, another key episode in understanding this version of Superman. Clark’s deepest fear is that his powers will keep on growing beyond his ability to control them, eventually destroying everything around him. In his nightmare He kills Lois and Jimmy, destroys the Daily Planet, and grows into a brutish, hulking, clumsy figure, first crying out for someone to help him, and then losing hope. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone. He goes back to the Kent farm and curls up in the spaceship in the fetal position, convinced that he’s only going to hurt anyone who tries to help. Is it any wonder, since that’s literally what’s happened to him in Legacy? Is it any wonder that he’d want to give up, to retreat? If we’re to take the World of Cardboard speech literally, he’s already having to focus on this restraint every day, in every interaction. This is my personal explanation/hc as to why in every single fight he lets himself get knocked around a bit first; he’s calibrating how hard he can hit back without doing irrevocable damage. Anyway. Deeply fucked up 2 minutes of horror. Wish they’d explored this a little bit more in later seasons.
Then, directly after this, it’s A Better World. After we’ve just seen that his worst nightmare is hurting people by being unable to control his powers, we come face to face with a world where he’s hurt people by the precise and controlled application of his powers. Justice Lord Clark uses the same Superman Robots we saw Kara use in Legacy. He’s become quite adept at his lobotomization techniques. Later on in JLU, we see ‘our’ universe’s Clark attempt to lobotomize Doomsday the exact same way Justice Lord Superman did. Again, Clark fails to protect the world from himself, and to make matters worse, the guy to save the day is Lex Luthor. I’d be a little miffed if the maniac who wants to kill me so so bad turned out to be instrumental in saving the world and now I owe him some unspecified favor in the future. Clark’s met with failure and distrust trying to fix things his way, now he tries to do things in an uncharacteristically sneaky way and… gets met with more dislike and distrust.
Eclipsed continues this trend of hurting his friends; he’s temporarily mind controlled and hurts Wally.
In The Terror Beyond, he fucks up and puts the world in danger again, all because from his point of view, he tried to prevent Solomon Grundy being manipulated and used (like he himself has been used over and over again).
In Secret Society, his frustration comes to a peak, amplified by Grodd’s telepathic manipulation. He’s been trying to do his best, but he snaps that he’s had better luck fighting armies alone (dubious plural there, but he did pretty much evaporate an army in Legacy, so at least once, ok) and that he’s had to hold back his abilities in order to be on the League. Again if we take the World of Cardboard speech at face value, this is true, and we see it in the episode when he accidentally hurts Shayera with heat vision despite shouting a warning beforehand. It’s also telling how other members of the League have the ability to constantly voice doubts about its usefulness and cohesiveness as an organization (hi Bruce) but when he expresses the same doubts everyone gasps. When he expresses his doubt and frustration, when he steps away, the organization that’s collectively saved the world several times falls apart; they’re reliant on him, and he has to be aware of the entire existence of the League as an extra burden of responsibility.
Since both this episode and the Cadmus arc as a whole are meant to show his flaws as a leader, it’s worth examining the foundations of that leadership as established in the DCAU. Clark’s the leader of the League, but narratively, Bruce is its brains and its ethics and Wally is its heart. As a result, Clark is filling the role of leader of the League without the narrative scaffolding that gives him the respect comics incarnations of the character are generally accorded. (I’m admittedly only drawing here from the JLA runs I’ve personally read, Morrison/Porter 90’s JLA and the early Fox/Sekowsky 60’s JLA). Superman might not technically be the First Superhero according to these continuities, but he is respected as though he is (and as we comic book nerds know him to be). The League in these comics treat him as something of an ethical standard bearer, a primus inter pares, as well as being the muscle. In the DCAU, Batman, having founded the DCAU with BTAS, is the First Superhero, and the entire plotline of the Justice Lords centers Wally as the emotional anchor of the team. Clark doesn’t have that pre-established stature. What really qualifies him to be the leader, besides the fact that Bruce doesn’t want to do it? His position seems precarious, relying more on Superman’s pre-established reputation than his actual onscreen characterization. Centering Bruce and Wally are legitimate creative choices I don’t even necessarily disagree with, but it means Clark-as-leader functions quite differently than more traditional JL structures.
Hereafter is something of a healing point for him. It’s a little fucked up that Superman almost bashes Vandal Savage’s head in with a rock, but you take what you can get at this point. He comes out of it fine, but everyone else is forced to reckon with what he means to them. Hereafter coming directly after Secret Society is a very good reunification for the League. Shame about what’s gonna happen in three episodes.
In Wild Cards, he’s useful to address the immediate threat but ineffective to stop the real, countrywide (worldwide?) threat. (I should note that of course I don’t expect every episode’s threat to be solved by Clark; I’m just pointing out a trend that I think his character would perceive as failures on his part. If the writers ever let him reflect.)
JL ends as it began, with another massive alien invasion that Clark helped facilitate in Starcrossed, by working with the Thanagarians during the first part of their plan. As a fellow exile, a fellow alien, he’s hurt and angry with Shayera’s betrayal… even though, in the end, in probably one of his best moments, he votes to allow her to stay in the League.
(Sidenote: almost every interaction Clark has had with other aliens have been despotic societies or individuals: Jax-Ur and Mala, Apokolips, Maxima’s planet, War World, and now Thanagar. The Guardians built robotic police/foot soldiers to enforce their will. Even New Genesis is ruled by a benevolent dictator. Martian society is nearly extinct, overrun by… more alien despots, surviving only with J'onn. Argoan society is nearly extinct, surviving only with Kara. At least Lobo isn’t a fascist? Small consolation.)
JLU begins after a short time skip. I’m not as familiar with JLU episodes since it’s been a while since I’ve watched them, so I’m not going to attempt an episode-by-episode breakdown. Also this post is already way too long. But the point of this post is to look at Clark’s overall arc until this point, and see how it informs his decisions in JLU. For a more JLU-specific informed point of view check this post by januariat!
What we have is a man who naturally wants to take responsibility on his own shoulders, a doer and a fixer who wants to get into the ring and solve problems, who wants to use his abilities to help, being confronted over and over again with a string of personal failures, manipulation, and betrayal. When he tries to set a boundary about not being willing to help the man who took over his body and forced him against his home in Twilight, he’s told to get over it by his most trusted ally. When his deepest fears are revealed in Only a Dream, we see them having been already realized in Legacy. And when he’s presented with his dream of a peaceful life farming, a family that loves him, and no responsibility to save the world, it’s ripped away from him in For The Man Who Has Everything.
Ultimately, I don’t have a good answer for exactly how he doubles down in JLU S2, because I need to rewatch all of it with this understanding of the character. But I think you can see the shape of a traditional Superman character in there, trying and trying again and again to do the right thing, putting himself on the line - only instead of learning from his experiences and letting them inform his actions, he’s carrying the weight of years of suppressed trauma while trying to hold up the entire Justice League. This long, long run of failure, manipulation, betrayal, and distrust adds up. And there’s only so much weight one person can hold on their shoulders, even if they are a Superman.
(And then as the nice little capstone to his story, in Batman Beyond's The Call, he’s kept under alien mind control for years! With the way Starro clings to his chest, he probably hasn’t been touched in years! Trapped in his own mind, forced to watch as yet another alien species uses him as a tool to hurt his own teammates and invade the Earth! And that’s the last we see of DCAU Clark! What a fun little ending to his character arc that doesn’t make me go insane whenever I think about it. Very very very normal about this.)
#id in alt text#like i said. brainrot. i'm so normal about clark kent#you really do have to like. put this arc together in your own head though. they did NOT put this on screen.#long post#dc meta#DCAU#STAS#JL/JLU#clark kent#my fucking kingdom for a fic where j'onn helps him develop mental shielding against mind control. and also gets him therapy. one day#my writing#<fuck it. putting it in the writing tag so i can find it again#thanks for the ask :^)
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YOURE TELLING ME MY DESPERATION FOR TRANS VOX CONTENT INFECTED YOU ????? AND THE NEXT INSTALLMENT IS ABOUT IT AS WELL AS VOX FINALLY GETTING FUCKED? YOURE JOKING. YOURE JOKING. OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDHHSHSJEHEHRJRE IM SOBBING ON THE FLOOR I PRAYED FOR TIMES LIKE THESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’m ready to get sucker punched!!!!!!!!!!! in all seriousness i’ve never been so excited for a fic update in my LIFE. HOORAYYYYYYY!!!!!!! and who wants to bet that alastor at first uses the vox getting fucked event as a balm to his current fractured ego, but then gets genuinely overwhelming fucking fond? nearly ruins the whole thing for him. all i’m SAYING is the there’s wayyyyy to much evidence of alastor getting, in his words, “squishy feelings” about vox when he acts Particularly uhhh….. unfiltered. and something tells me vox is gonna be unfiltered. the possibilities im SO EXCITED!!!! - 🌓
Under a cut for length!
and ANOTHER THING. alastor making a FUCKING DEAL?.????? as you know i was already wrung dry by that point in the story, ready for the cool down from high emotions, then BOOM. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK? I NEEDED TO TAKE A BREAK WITH VOX!!!!!!!! ALASTOR YIU FUCKING MAD MAN. and yes i IMMEDIATELYYYYYYY noticed that vox essentially agreed to nothing while alastor agreed to something WAY more soul binding. im just in shock because i think this is the biggest display of love alastor has portrayed in the whole series so far. even BY far. with the sexual stuff, alastor is/was new to it all and unsure. even with the general intimacy stuff. but this? deals? soul contracts? this is His Domain. so far, vox has been guiding alastor through this relationship, and alastor has almost had a plausible deniability in it all. like clearly, he enjoys it and loves vox, even if he doesnt acknowledge it to himself. but his facade allows him the distance to claim Vox is the one making this relationship happen, and alastor is going along on a whim. we even see it in the last chapter, when alastor says he never trusted vox [hilarious that he said that right after he said that he trusted vox. alastor revealing things he didn’t mean to when scared and angry is my favorite theme in this series], and overall said this whole thing was a mistake and he was Foolish for being TRICKED INTO IT!!! i’m not explaining this well but the idea is that alastor had the plausible deniability that he was the Passive Participant thus far. this deal? CHANGES ALL OF THAT. on a base level, it shows that he’s so serious about this relationship that his FUCKING SOUL IS ON THE LINE. THE THING THAT JUST TRIGGERED HIM INTO HIS FIRST PANIC ATTACK? YEAH THAT. and of course that the contract was wayyyyyy more binding for him than vox. and that he clearly KNEW that. it’s just all a double edged sword. alastor made the deal in order to flex his power and pull one over on vox, which soothed him after the panic attack and vox seeing him that “weak”. but he also did it because vox opened up to him about his experience with domestic violence. and he felt so uncomfortable and guilty (YES guilty im interpreting it like that) about it that, at the very least subconsciously, he immediately made a SOUL CONTRACT that he’d never attack vox again rashly. like oh my fucking god. this, in turn, shows how invested he is, and how much he cares for vox. IN SUM. alastor probably made this deal as a conscious power play, but it really just showed how much he loves and respects vox. LOSER!!!!!!! and is this reminding anyone of anything? seems to be paralleling vox carving himself up for alastor post adam. god these ancient men. sorry for the essay !!!! if you were a college professor and i had to write analytical essays on your work i PROMISE i would tear that shit up. LIFE IS GOOD. -🌓
Hey anon, I just want you to know that ILY and I love your essays. This is like the most exciting and gratifying pair of asks to wake up to as an author, ehehehe. You are VERY on point and I love reading your analysis! >:))
#ask#personal#half moon anon#t#nsft#these asks are my FAVORITE#I really truly do not have much to add but just know they are my FAVORITE#DEARLY HOPE YOU ENJOY THE NEXT INSTALLMENT <3
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Heyyyyyyy do you have any funny head canons on the children :-9 if they squabble and stuff in your opinion. Give me the sillies !!!!! (I do too but I wanna hear urs)
YOU HAVE OPENED THE GATES OF HELL PREPARE FOR MY BORDERLINE SEVEN PAGE ESSAY ON THESE RANDOM FUCKING CHILDREN
I decided to do the ones that get less attention in general, especially since I have the most thoughts on them
HCs under cut because I may have gone overboard with the length
Ghost kid
Best friends with a batmin ball that had a very poorly drawn face on it from the age of six to eight.
Sebbo (spoon girl) buried the batmin ball using a spoon as a shovel after it got neutered by the barber (he thought it was a bug and shat his pants)
Not a native of the nowhere and was taken to the nowhere on Halloween, hence the ghost costume
Lost their arm pretty quickly after being taken to the Nowhere. he’s quite a friendly child and is very compassionate towards animals, but unfortunately, this has its downsides as not all animals in the Nowhere want help.
Friends with Sebbo
Has been squatting in houses since day 1 of living in the Nowhere and has no plans to stop
Would go CRAZY for squishmallows
Doesn’t have well formed empathy/sympathy for humans but is super compassionate towards animals
Zero concept of gender and doesn’t care what you call them, he just want to pet your dog
Nonverbal but has very expressive body language
Spoon girl
Her name is sebbo (based off of game files)
She sneezes like a middle aged divorced golf dad and due to her nose bleed these sneezes are NOT victimless
LEGENDARY rage tantrums
Literally only wants to watch gen 1 my little pony, Formula One, or a very specific documentary about some random Swedish sheep wool factory
Swedish
If you compare her to pippy longstockings you will end up needing to go to urgent care for a rabies shot
Calls ghost kid Ande (sounds like Andeh) which means spirit in Swedish. (His file name is actually spöke for anyone wondering, which also means ghost/spirit in Swedish. The only reason I’m not giving him the Sebbo naming treatment is that spöke absolutely does not sound like it’s spelled (sounds like Spurkeh) and Ande actually sounds like a name. I’m a quarter swedish and have a very Swedish family on my white side so I got the most incomprehensible Swedish lessons in the car ever, so please don’t roast me in the reblogs if I got this wrong, I remember like five words and this is one of them, same thing with Korean😭
Living embodiment of “ANDE WE’RE 10 NOW, WE SAY CRAP, NOT POOP”
Broke one of her legs at some point in the Nowhere and ended up in the hospital (HC based off of concept art where she was in a wheelchair and using crutches)
Has severe trauma revolving around doctors and medical stuff
Has never seen another ginger in her entire life but will fight to be the alpha
Warrior cats kid
Expert at digging and climbing out of holes, THE CHILDREN YEARN FOR THE MINES!!!
Rusty
Has a cleft lip
This isn’t a HC but something that not a lot of people realize; he has a lisp
Only reason I’m not drawing him as ginger because of his name is because I also designed Noone as ginger and he lost in a 1v1 to a rabid cabbage patch kid. He’s been through enough
He’s around 14
Very lithe
Despite being a trapeze and tightrope performer, he is TERRIFIED of heights, making his experience at the circus even worse
The dummy has been malding over Rusty for a ridiculously long period of timeand bro had no fucking idea and nobody even knows the reason why 💀
Also a warrior cats kid but kept in on the downlow. Yes he did name himself Rusty after firestar but if you tell anyone he will cry
Noone
A nice kid but will deadass ask some of the most insensitive questions and has NO idea. Also verbally cooked a middle aged man and spent like a whole episode sassing him so she can definitely be mean if she wants to
Also has really severe medical trauma along with trauma from being paraded around on TV because she was the first person to be cured of whatever the shit water sickness is
Her real name was Ruth, but once she started forgetting her parents (they basically ditched her anyways 😭) she started just using Noone as her real name
Master of inappropriately prolonged periods of intense eye contact
Really dislikes/is afraid of dolls/dummies because of what happened to Rusty/in JuJubee’s toyshop
Very untrusting of people post Nowhere abduction because of how Otto treated her and because of the ferryman. Plus basically every kid she met in TSON was met with a terrible fate (Goo kid is probably alive but she doesn’t know that)
Autism (all these children got some sort of neurodivergence though, I mean just look at them)
WORST BACKSEAT DRIVER EVER (ASKED TO LEAVE THE ROWBOAT)
Has a few scars on her face from her right before she had a seizure when getting clockwork oranged. She tried to take the mri suction thingies off her head but she ended up scratching up her face in her panic
#little nightmares#little nightmares 2#little nightmares comics#little nightmares 3#Rusty TSON#noone the sounds of nightmares#tson noone#noone tson#ghost kid little nightmares#the spoon girl little nightmares#sebbo little nightmares#I also just don’t want to name ghost kid after a part of a bike#ghost little nightmares
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lightyear, the endgame dissertation
You know that post along the lines of "Lightyear as a movie was okay but then you learn it was a video length essay rebuke against Endgame Steve's ending and it is chef's kiss"...it is 100% on the money.
First thing's first, I never got into the Toy Story franchise, and in fact I found it pretty hard to connect with most of the Pixar movies, despite how much accolade they get.
Lightyear by itself is...par. It's got humour, it's got heart, it's got a solid central message around friendship.
But when you put it in the context of a Endgame critique then you realise how much BURN it packed in there.......
(Massive spoilers under cut)
I want to start this off by saying Izzy is adorable and she had a solid character arc that wasn't overshadowed by Lightyear's. She went from bluster to feeling inadequate to forcing herself to confront her worst fears for a friend. Two separate character arcs in one movie, imagine that, Marvel!
The premise is that Buzz makes a mistake during an emergency launch and strands the entire crew on a semi-hostile planet. Feeling immense guilt that he's ruined the mission (and thereby, much of the team's dreams of being "Space Rangers"), Buzz commits himself to running dangerous solo missions to trial fuel combinations that could get the ship off the planet. With each trip he approaches hyperspeed, he experiences time dilation, and he is so focused on his mission that he barely notices his best friend (Alisha) ageing until he comes back one time and realises she had already passed on.
When Buzz finally finds the right fuel combination, he's 80 years in the future. The crew and their descendants have truly settled into the planet, but in recent weeks the planet has been invaded by a ship of ominous looking robots.
He meets his best friend's grand-daughter, Izzy, and her crew of misfits. Then for the next 40 minutes, Buzz learns he doesn't have to do things alone, and that he doesn't have to shoulder all the responsibility on his own.
And as he learns this, he gets transported up to the spaceship to meet the villain who is, I kid you not, Old Man Buzz. Old Man Buzz came from the same past as young Buzz, but he almost got arrested on one of his return journeys and became so disillusioned with the world, he flew off into hyperspeed and realised he could jump back and forward in time. Old Man Buzz knows the pain young Buzz suffers, and entices him with the prospect of going back in time before a mistake was ever made. It is also worth noting that young Buzz has friends that he is shown to now depend on and trust, while Old Man Buzz only has himself and in his drive to achieve his mission, destroys his only 2 semi-sentient robot companions (Sox and Ivan).
What follows is the greatest dissertation against Endgame I have ever fucking seen in live motion.
Old Man Buzz says that Alisha will get to be a Space Ranger again and young Buzz pointing out that "but...she won't have her family. She won't have Izzy". Old Man Buzz says dismissively "She's not going to miss anyone if she never meets them in the first place" and young Buzz looking absolutely SHOOK by those words, realising this old man was going to wipe out 80 years of lived experiences so he can have his past. Young Buzz then tries to appeal to the old man's rationality and point out that Alisha had an entire life and Old Man Buzz dismisses it as "what kind of life is that?!" because he has in his mind what kind of life she should have, while refusing to acknowledge the life she had was fulfilling and full of joy. Old Man Buzz presses him with "You don't want to live like this Buzz, waking up with the same nightmare, haunted by your mistake, but you can finally let go of that."
And Buzz does, by walking away from Old Man Buzz and refusing to go back to the past. Buzz owns and then forgives himself for that past mistake (and accepting fallibility and forgiving oneself is a recurring theme in this movie, not just for Buzz, but for the other characters too) by accepting the present it has created, because he realises there are good things about the present worth living for.
"You're going to erase everything!" Young Buzz yells at Old Man Buzz as he preps the crystal, "People's family, their friends. My friends."
As much as Buzz misses the friendships of his previous life, he values the connections he has made in the here and now and he doesn't want to erase them for what has already passed.
Buzz defeats Old Man Buzz by destroying the fuel source, i.e. the only hope of Buzz going back in time, and the day is saved by everyone coming together to help each other instead of Buzz struggling to do it on his own (and also why Old Man lost because he only had himself and his robots, who he didn't value).
In the end, Izzy asks Buzz about the now destroyed fuel source, "Your mission...you've always wanted to go home."
Buzz smiles, "You know, for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am home."
AND SUCK ON THAT, ENDGAME.
#anti endgame#lightyear#steve rogers#like legit i almost got teary in aspects thinking this is what steve deserved#all the guilt and grief he had carried with him#for him to realise that he didn't need to do it alone and that he didn't need to impale his life on that one mistake#and you can interpret that mistake to either not getting off the ship or not stopping bucky's fall or not stopping hydra's infiltration#but how much i wished to see steve to have walked onward from that and acknowledge that#it is okay to be human and to be fallible but what's more important is the way you pick yourself up and walk on#and the way that you open your arms and let other people into your world#and that the solution to a mistake IS NEVER TO GO BACK INTO THE PAST TO FIX IT but it is to LIVE IN THE FUTURE AND MAKE IT BETTER#fuck endgame#spoilers#lightyear spoilers
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OH ALSO. ik you said something abt how some aspects of your feelings on the shth game have changed - what would you say is different now? (again feel free to ignore this)
oh yeah! overall, most of my feelings about shth2005 have remained the same - that game is a contradictory mess and i adore it. i mostly have a few minor grievances with my big shadow 2005 analysis essay. i'll talk under the cut about some specific moments that i think a little differently on - if you haven't read the big shadow essay, i'd say read it first and then come back to read this post.
grievance #1: The Doom
"being Good or Neutral around Maria makes WAY more sense than taking the Dark path. The game’s morality system breaks so badly in [The Doom] that things start to make sense again."
i still mostly agree with my thoughts on The Doom, and the game's failure in design affecting the morality system is something that i think could prompt further discussion. but a couple of people pointed out that the hero mission is still an interesting indicator to shadow's emotional state on the darker paths, and i don't want to completely discredit that concept because i like it a lot.
The Doom's hero mission is grueling. 60 gun soldiers to defeat in a maze level is not something most players would be willing to do. but it may be something that shadow is willing to do on a darker path - rage leading him to hunt and eliminate every single human he can find is harrowing, and it's a malevolence that the darker paths of this game fail to really show. so as much as i dislike the morality missions in this game, i do think they're an interesting measurement of the lengths shadow is willing to go to if it means defeating his enemy. the guy just doesn't stop.
grievance #2: boy what on earth is that take about the hero cast
"They want Shadow to work for them because of a desire to prove their side of the cycle is the right one."
i'll be real with you i think there was a bit too much analysis going on here lol. the heroes want shadow's help because there's a literal alien invasion threatening to wipe out all life on earth. are they manipulative towards shadow? i mean sometimes, but i don't think most of them do it out of malice or intentionally, and i definitely don't think they really care about proving their side of the moral compass right during the Fucking Alien Armageddon.
the only hero character that i think would be deliberately manipulative (minus eggman) is sonic, and i don't think he would consciously realize it. best example i have of sonic's occasional manipulative attitude towards shadow is the whole "if he can't be forgiven, can you?" bit from the mr tinker arc in IDW. and this is really only something he does to shadow - sometimes he just wants to get under shadow's skin without realizing what he's actually saying. sometimes sonic's just an asshole! and i like that, it's an interesting aspect to sonic that i wish was explored a little more in shth2005, the game about his rival. idk that's all i have to say here
grievance #3: who is shadow even?
"to him, doing what’s “right” means giving as many people as possible that same chance at life. It’s not a justification of morals or a desire to be heroic that leads Shadow down this path - it’s just what he wants to do."
i've circled around my final opinions in my shadow 2005 essay a lot because honestly. i don't really know where i stand on these thoughts currently lol. shadow is inconsistent enough that i struggle to really pin down what exactly he deems as "right" or what he even wants to do most of the time - it's especially difficult to pin these things down when trying to cover shadow as a whole across the entire franchise, which is what i was trying to do here. because man, does this guy feel all over the place when you look at everything.
i think there's truth in the idea that shadow doesn't really care about protecting the people of sonic's world (this sonic channel story explores that concept a bit). at the same time, i think it's also entirely possible that this "i don't care what happens to others" attitude is a bit of a front he puts up (especially around sonic). and as silly and non-canon as i think the sonic twitter takeovers are, i do think they were kinda cooking something when they made shadow work at a soup kitchen. these are all somewhat different ideas and interpretations of shadow, but i think they're all plausible for this character. personally, i'd rather embrace the inconsistency then try to limit him to one worldview.
the only solid "truth" i can formulate about shadow's motivations right now is this: whatever he deems right, or whatever he wants to do, he decides for himself because it's his life. he doesn't do these things for maria, or for gerald, or for the rest of the world. his choices and actions are his own - maybe inspired by others, but not for them. and the things he decides to do are often inconsistent because he's an immortal, traumatized, teenage hedgehog - a paradoxical creation that's still learning how to live. he might be the ultimate life form, but it's more important to me that he's just shadow.
#fernasks#sonic loreposting#FINALLY i can get these very specific critiques i have of that post off my chest lmao
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I have to do a quick rant and this is the only place I can really post it. Because hopefully no one here will judge me and also because I mention spellings in snz fics. (Honestly there is so much the vanillas will just never understand.)
I posted my first non-snz R/J fic to AO3 for the first time in forever and immediately got an essay-length comment on it saying that spelling out Jam/ie's accent is classist. (Rant under the cut)
Now, to preface this, I only typed out Jam/ie's accent a few times, and it only ever involved leaving the 'g' off, such as "fuckin'," "borin'," etc. And a couple instances of "sorreh," or "I get yeh." Things like that.
This person wrote me a whole ass essay about how it's classist to type that out and if the characters are from England they wouldn't hear it any differently and it should be spelled normal, etc. They said it's similar to spelling out Southern accents. Which, I can see a point being made there in the sense of old racist shit, but like... this is not that.
I'm American and I spelled out some of his accent because I think it's cute and it's very distinct and it helps me hear it when I read it. I'm charmed and I like the sound of it! So fuckin' sue me, I guess. (See, I can type out my own accent too. 🙄) I wanted to argue with them like - so no one is able to type out an accent ever? What about an NYC accent? Is that off the table too?
It was just bonkers to me and I felt like saying - this is why people get so stressed about posting fics. If you want people to post less fics and not participate in fandom, this is the way to go about it.
I let their comment sit for about an hour, debating how to answer. In the end I just responded with, "nah, that's no fun," and deleted both comments. I'm open to learning, but I don't want to waste my time arguing and ruin my whole day over something I feel is innocuous on my part.
Part of me also wanted to say - WELL I'm in the snz community and we happen to LIKE spelling out our shit there. Whether it be snzs or congested dialog or what have you. So fuck me, I guess, if it transferred over into a vanilla fic. See if I ever post shit for them again.
If you read all of that, I commend you! Thanks for listening. Rant over!
#not snz#this just served to light a fire under my ass to finish my R&J intentional contagion fic that's been sitting half done since Sept.#At least I know you all will appreciate it!
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Hehe hi Pik :0 I'll give you three questions for your ask game and you can pick out whatever you want to answer <:]
What are your thoughts on Kaigaku? I know he's a bit of spoiler territory but I'm curious .. or maybe what are your thoughts on Muichiro? You decide!
A question just for me, though ,, do YOU have a favorite bird? .., !!
oh abolutely HYSTERICAL to give a pick scenario and then lay down topics that will instantly get me to talk for hours on end at the drop of a hat KSJNGFKDJNGKD
so!! the easy one!! my favorite bird, ithink, is between the mourning dove and the house sparrow! they are not terribly glamorous but i love them so so dearly and will instantly cheer up when i think about them :')
as for the character questions. thank you for enabling me HJBSJFBJD
i could very very easily write an entire goddamn essay about Either of them, but for the sake of saving whatever brevity i can manage to keep, ill save talking abt mui for when That Episode(tm) drops whenever it does, because inevitebly, i will be Absolutely Inconsolable and it Will happen anyway KJNDKGDF
instead, for now, under a cut because this preamble is already paragraphs long... kaigaku.
i fucking hate this man. i cannot stand him, hes the worst, he is so fucking stupid, i think about him fucking constantly, and he is one of my favorites. he is so fucking insufferable, and i love him!
ok so. getting into kny, i was like. immediately a zenitsu liker. like i saw him and went "god. fuck. shit. its gonna be this nerd i dont even know about yet and i can feel it already." (i was right.) which is Crucial to knowing the angle here. and when i got to his part in th manga, i . genuinely dont remember if i even thought too hard about him. i dont even remember when i Did, i just know that he Wasnt there, and then he Was, and he Never Fucking Left KSJNKDJGN
which is very very fucking funny, considering... how much of a character he straight up Isnt.
like yeah! he sure does show up in a flashback and then fights zen and dies about it! it takes like, a two chapters max! and the entire time, his only character trait is "bitch for no reason." like... that sure isn't a lot to go off of. so like... why? i guess thats kind of the answer in and of itself.
why is he like this? why is he like this?? what made him this way? we know he grew up orphaned, but why? we knew he turned on gyomei's group and ran, but why? we know he trained to be a demon slayer with zen and kuwajima, but why? why, why, why? we just don't know.
we know he's a survivalist. we know that he's willing to go to any lengths, stoop to any lows, just to make it another day. because another day is another chance you get to get them back, to prove them wrong, to rise above it and laugh in their faces and say "see? see what im capable of? bet you feel sorry now."
shame doesnt exist to him. he will make Anything of himself just to make it by. do anything, drop anyone. no connections, impermanence. its clear in flashbacks that, honestly... nobody liked him very much. and like, well, yeah. obviously. he sucks, and he isnt afraid to show it. but isnt that just so strange? broken box of happiness, disatisfaction. he refuses to forge connections, claiming the only people he tolerates are those who respect him, who see his worth.
and that's... the weird thing about him. see, because, the thing is that... i don't fucking believe him for a second. he talks big game, he can back it up, sure, especially as a demon, but... the entire time he talks, every word he says during his confrontation with zen just felt like a bluff. like he's trying to sound threatening, to sound powerful, making a threat display like an animal. every technique he chooses to execute is some new, big, flashy display of his Power, talking, taunting, still taunting.
its a lot of reading between lines, but... this man is a fucking liar. that fight felt different, it felt quick, and well... maybe because it wasn't a fight. this was some guy taking out his anger on someone in a desperate attempt to prove he's worth something.
i just think that this man is a deeply jealous bastard intent on making himself seem larger than he really is, convincing himself that he's the one that's right and it's everyone else that's wrong simply because he can't process just how awful he is.
growing up barely scraping by on his own, of course he'd become painfully self-reliant. of course he would take advantage of anything he could, anyone he could. you'd have to be that self-centered to survive. talk big, act big, nobody will mess with you. nobody can take advantage of you if you take advantage of them first.
and when he gets shown that kindness, being taken in for the first time... of course he'd take advantage of them too. he's hard-wired with instability in mind, so obviously the clear answer is to take what you can and go before something else happens and they get to you first (even if that was never really a threat.) and if they throw you out for it? it's just proof you were right. you were always right, clearly it isn't your fault. and if you happen to throw them under the bus for it... well, obviously they deserved it. there's no reason to think about it anymore.
being with kuwajima was fine. we don't know anything about the earlier days (which im so sad about) but from the looks of it, he was doing fine. about as fine as he could be, at least. he clearly respected him at first, enjoyed being treated as something special, having his work and talents appreciated-- which he did have! he was a staggeringly impressive slayer, but that's an aside-- and even berated zenitsu for supposedly "disrespecting him" by referring to him as jiichan. which. sighs.
so, zenitsu. dynamics Of Ever. honestly, even without the whole Contention there, kai would've just kinda disliked him because he's... motions with hand. look at him. but its the fact that they were considered together that pissed kaigaku off so much. because that implied that they were on the same level when, to him, they so very clearly were not.
zenitsu was annoying. he was weak, whined too much, cried too much, never put in any effot, he was so, so annoying. which made it that much more insulting that jiichan would continue to try to train him. just leave him behind already! he keeps trying to run away, let him! obviously he just isn't good enough. he's not special like he was. and yet, kuwajima kept trying.
and the fact that he did... probably completely went against everything kaigaku saw in the way the world worked. for lack of a better term, he was very "survival of the fittest" minded in that, if you weren't good, you just weren't good. you'd try and struggle and inevitably die off. the world isn't kind, and will take any chance it has to kick you down. that's why you take what you can, when you can.
if you're weak, nobody helps you. if nobody helps you, you either help yourself or die silently. that was what separated the weak and the strong. and you always, always were either one or the other. again, that's his survivalism talking. so, seeing this person he at the very least Respected waste time on some nobody instead of him, expecting something to come of it... well, it was insulting!
and to think that they were even anywhere close enough to put together? to share the title of successor? with this guy? either it meant that kuwajima thought zenitsu was as good as kai was (to him, a laughable idea,) or that kai wasn't any better than some kid who could barely swing a sword. and that was what irritated him the most.
that was the point of their final confrontation. it was kaigaku proving, once and for all, finally, that he was better than zenitsu. was it purely out of hatred for this kid who looked up to him like a brother? was it out of jealousy of someone who got so many kindnesses granted to him despite, to him, not really deserving it? was it just to prove that he was a powerful demon to those who now had their eyes on him, too? whatever it was, at its core... it was laughing in the faces of those who, honestly, genuinely cared about him (and in his eyes, never truly did.)
he could've ended that fight whenever he wanted to-- its even stated in canon that zen wouldve just lost if he was given more time to grow-- but... he just kept showing off. kept talking. it didnt feel like he was using techniques to fit the combat-- it felt like he was showing off what he could do now. he was proving a point. the only thing that stopped him was what he never acknowledged back when they were training together-- that zenitsu did have worth. that he was growing, too. and using what kaigaku refused to acknowledge in him, zenitsu cut him down-- with a symbol of the respect and comraderie that he hoped to have together. a "sorry, aniki."
kaigaku's appearance in canon is less of the role of a character, but as a statement. hes a walking tragedy. he pushes away everything that makes life What It Is in favor of this image of Strength, which is exactly why he becomes-- at first glance-- a caricature. he stops being a person and starts being a Thing. zen tries to keep him in mind as a Person (despite it all) but when he ultimately gives up hope is when the encounter ends. and when kai's role ends as well.
the only thing i still wonder is... does he regret it? in the very depths of his mind, behind all that mess he puts up, after throwing everything away... did he regret it? twice, he was shown care and kindness, and twice he betrayed them. does he know? does he regret it? does he have the capacity to? or has he simply committed so hard to the role he was given-- to the role he put himself in-- that he simply cannot fathom a world in which he was the problem? could it have been different?
put simply... what the fuck is wrong with him?
. anyway, heres a bunch of posts that remind me of him.
#ask game#pikramble#piktalk#kny spoilers#UM. VERY LONG POST; I DID ACTUALLY END UP TALKING FOR HOURS SKJFNKD#IM. SO SORRY. SLEEPER AGENT ACTIVATED. THANK YOU <3333#THERES SO MUCH I DIDNT GO INTO TOO LIKE#his weird 'everyone is either above or below me' thing that he switches btwn on a dime#or how he has his sword on his back-- in a technique so focused on quick drawing--#so committed to doing things his way that hell actively hinder himself and how that reflects his whole character#OR OR OR!!! AUHGUHGG#CANT FUCKING STAND HIM. GOD.#so anyway he's one of my 5 rotating favorites. thankyou <333
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i screamed and cried you got exactly what i was i was thinking but also so much better in my ask about if the door wasn't shut, it's like you're inside my brain. but i have more thoughts since you said you liked them :)
also this is my second time typing this out bc my phone died when i went to send it the first time, so if you get this twice that's my bad😭
but you're so right, i just feel like after everything along with all it took for her to truly feel settled, she wouldn't be able to leave like that. especially not without someone else influencing her to, whether that be actively or passively. but imo, in addition to joel, a big part of why she wouldn't leave is because tommy left, and she wouldn't be able to bring herself to leave maria too
and tommy leaving is so stuck in my head because you're so right(this whole thing is just me agreeing with you😭) that would be so crazy for her. because tommy was there and he knows what that was like for r and joel on both ends. so for him to leave after all that? i actually think in a way it'd be worse than when joel left. because obviously r was hurt and angry with joel, but she gets to a point where she can start to understand why he did what he did and bridge that with the fact that it was okay to feel how she did, and work on reconciling that with joel. but for tommy, that base hurt/anger mixed with grief? and on top of him leaving maria and his kid, and r's own guilt, and everything else like. it would just all be too much. because how can you move past that even when he does come back? their relationship would be forever changed more so than it obviously already is. it's devastating and tragic i'm literally foaming at the mouth i need to write essays about this
obviously she goes with jesse and saves him and everyone comes home safe and okay🥲😭
no but fr i know i'm stuck on the idea of her staying behind, but it's breaking my heart so bad. bc part of her probably did feel like she should go, so she's already going to feel some type of way after she doesn't. but it would just ruin her when jesse doesn't come back. i feel like she'd be stuck for a while on how could she have let him go, and how could she have stayed behind, and how could the rest of them let this happen, when really it wasn't in any of their control. i could sob about it.
dina and her raising jj together means everything to me your mind is so powerful. i need several full length novels about it full of feelings😭
anon i cannot TELL YOU how much i love this and you. YOU MAKE MY DAY!!! i love love LOVE hearing your thoughts it feeds my own fr :’) and omg 😭i’ve only gotten it the once but i feel for you </3 having to type all this out a second time omg
you are so incredibly correct like i cannot even explain. please excuse me if my thoughts are incoherent i am going to do my best 🫡
tlou part two spoilers under the cut
reader and tommy’s relationship would NEVER be the same. honestly i don’t think there would even be a chance for forgiveness like there was with joel. especially because joel did have to go, he didn’t have to leave her, but he did have to go. whereas tommy??? no!!! he could have stayed. he could have done what his brother has been trying to do for YEARS and he could have let it go, for the sake of his wife and his child and R!!!!!!! tommy had so many things in jackson that he should’ve stayed for, and he didn’t. and i don’t think r would’ve been able to forgive that.
not to mention the effects on tommy’s appearance after seattle! i have always always thought that he was reasonable (to himself) for being fucking furious with ellie. because he lost everything, going after abby. he lost his wife, his friends, his functionality???, and ellie seemingly didn’t lose a thing. all the while abby got away just fine! so yeah i think his reaction, considering his state of mind, was reasonable. right? no. but reasonable? yes. BUT!!! imagine the effects of losing reader too???? not to mention how much more damage this would do to his marriage as well like ???? :( maria might have been able to forgive him, one day, but seeing what he did to r, who she sees as her own child???? NO!!!!
so yeah. tommy and reader would never be the same. i’m not sure r would even be able to speak to him again. honestly she’s going through it 😭 loses joel and then tommy and possibly jesse along with him? guys. please. she doesn’t deserve this.
i jsut cant get over it :( she just wouldn’t be able to understand what would possess tommy to leave after everything he’s seen her go through :( after everything he’s HELPED her through :( i think she would really struggle for a long time. she’s lost the only thing she had left of the childhood she never really got, and alongside it, the parent she had always thought she would never have :(
I CAN BARELT TALK ABOUT JESSE WITHOUT AOBBING AND SCREAMING AND CRYING. god. why did they do that to him.
she DID feel like she should go 😭 i think it would’ve been maria’s reassurance and support that would’ve been the only reason she didn’t go when ellie did. BJT JESSE???? he would’ve told her to stay. and she would’ve because she trusted him and she loved him and she KNEW he would come back. he wasn’t leaving her like everybody else because he would never. he had seen her through the good, the bad and the REALLY bad and he had never once even considered stepping out the door. he’s the man. he’s the myth. he’s the legend. she never gets to keep good things.
and then he doesn’t come back? ellie and dina come back to jackson, dragging a half-dead tommy behind them, and they didn’t even bring back jesse’s body. (in my mind anwyay. they were already injured as it was and just trying to keep tommy alive.) i don’t think she would know what to do with that. i don’t think she would know how to live with that. how do you carry on as if everything is fine when it’s so clearly not? jesse was the one person she knew would always come back to her, and in her mind, because of ellie and dina, he hadn’t.
so yeah. the only good relationship she would have left following joel’s death would be with maria. maria who becomes her rock. maria who leans on her and allows herself to be leaned on in return. maria who is the love of my life.
i just cant get over it. i just cant. like imagine. the devastation of jesse’s death would be unmatched. it truly would. how does one person handle so much loss? and the guilt? what does she do with that?
just thinking about maria holding r’s shoulder as she hands her the chalkboard and lets her write jesse’s name. maria hugging r when she cries over not even know when he died. maria figuring it out from the botched recounts that ellie and dina give. maria writing it on the board and holding r’s hand as she shows her.
#heartpascal says#itdws ask!#ANON YOU GET MY THOUGRHS THINKING LIKE NOBODY ELSE#IM SORRY IF THIS IS IBCOHERENT BABBLING I JUST LOVE TALKING ABOUT IT#tlou 2 spoilers#tlou part 2 spoilers#tlou pt 2 spoilers#that’s all the tagging i’m doing bc if you are on my blog you know by now that pt 2 spoilers r EVERYWHERE#i have put a lil read more thingy tho
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On Sex Scenes and Characterization
Alright, so this morning I'm laying in bed and doing my usual useless social media scroll and come across this on the tw*tter.
And this slapped me right across the face.
Because believe it not, I disagree. I argue that you can actually learn more about characters by seeing how they fuck. And you've got a fucking rant/smut writing advice essay incoming because it's Monday and I've consumed more than my recommended daily limit of caffeine so I moved on to wine at like 2pm.
CW: The following contains advice on using sex scenes in writing as a method of characterization and will contain highly suggestive but non-explicit snippets from my own writing, which contains Linkshipping, although not exclusively; there's a lil Malink hiding in there, too. I'm also not going to touch on dubcon/noncon in this discussion, although it will be mentioned in passing, as well as brief mentions of homophobia. I'll make a whole 'nother post about dubcon/noncon if there's interest and specific questions.
Disclaimer: I'm no expert. I haven't studied lit in any institution of higher learning. My word is not law. I have, however, written nearly 300k of smut in the last two years, so I've got some experience under my belt. I'm not interested in debating writing principles or terminology and shit like that, so don't bother coming into my inbox with that baggage, it'll only get lost on the carousel.
Under the cut for length and snippets of mature writing.
Action scenes are great for characterization in some ways. They can really showcase how a character operates under pressure, how they react in the face of fear or uncertainty, and whether they respond to violence with brute force or by more cunning methods. Do they lament their lack of strength? Do they vow to get better and then, later on in the narrative, are able to overcome that same enemy by making good on their word? Entertaining, sure, but without thousands of words of set-up or previous interactions, you're somewhat limited in how a free-standing action scene can build interpersonal relationships. In my opinion, this is not so for smut writing.
Sex scenes are quite rich in possibilities when it comes to developing both individual characters and relationships, and the amount of subtext in such scenes is nearly limitless. Noncon/dubcon aside, sex is usually a mutual decision to bare oneself intimately to another person and make oneself as vulnerable as it gets, both physically and, in many cases, emotionally. Even in a case of PWP (porn-without-plot), how your characters interact with one another will set a general tone of whether they know each other well, whether they've been together before and know the other's preferences or are totally flying blind, if they fit together like a pair of gloves or go together like fire and gasoline.
I really, really love demonstrating characterization through sex scenes, so here's a non-comprehensive list of some things that go through my head when I write these sorts of scenes.
Approaching the Act
I usually start by considering how the characters view the act they're about to partake in.
Are they really open to and excited about the prospect of getting it on with one another?
Does one of them have reservations about the act? If so, do they voice that uncertainty, do they bottle it up inside, or do they throw caution to the wind and plunge in headfirst?
Is this something that one character or the other views as just a "duty" of their marriage or partnership, or something expected of them because of social or societal standards?
Once you have some idea of where each character is coming from as they approach the scene, you can decide how they'll be changed by the end of it: whether they're pleasantly surprised at enjoying the act, whether they feel validated in their expectations of the emotional outcome, or whether they experience no emotional effect from the situation at all. This is just a small set of examples of how much your character's response to a given sexual encounter can say about them as a person.
Character Alignment in Sexual Situations
You can do an even deeper dive into a character's psyche by examining how they align themselves in a given scene with regards to being the more dominant versus more submissive party. And I'm not talking about BDSM exclusively, although it's handy to use some of their terminology. For those of us not so familiar with some of these terms, let me break it down for you.
The dominant partner is usually the one who directs their partner or leads a scene. They are generally the one seen as being "in control," although my opinion is that in a healthy relationship both partners have equal control over every encounter.
The submissive partner is the one who is led during a given scene. They're the one receiving the attention of their dom, or being guided versus taking orders to perform certain acts.
Whether someone is more dom or sub in the bedroom doesn't necessarily equate with how they are in other aspects of their life. Sometimes your highfalutin boss figure or someone who has a demanding job as a decision-maker (Doctor Hyrule) really likes to be told what to do in bed. Sometimes your meek little quiet characters (Paya) like to be the ones to hop on top and make demands about their ride. This can add an entirely new and fascinating layer to what might otherwise read as a flat character.
Now this does NOT equate to top/bottom terminology, and there's a whole hell of a lot of discourse on what that even means. My opinion is this:
Your top is the character who gives pleasure. It's commonly seen as the "penetrative" role, although not everybody enjoys that sort of thing.
Your bottom is the one who receives pleasure, be that via penetration or some other fun method(s).
Keep in mind, too, that many identify as vers/switch, which can impact your decisions for your scenes as well. If you typically write a character being dominant and have them submit to just one person, for example, that says a lot about their level of trust in that relationship or devotion to that one person.
Show and Tell
When it comes to characterization through smut, the basic principle of all good characterization still applies here: Show, don't tell. And sex is a fantastic way to show how a given character treats others, and how they think about themselves.
For my dominant characters, I consider things like:
Are they demanding, demeaning, or debasing their sub? Does their sub like that or not? Does your dom even care if they do?
Do they take a more gentle approach, especially with first-timers? Are they hesitant, halting, checking in every few lines?
Are they an inexperienced dom, so wrapped up in their own head that they forget to check in and need a wake-up call midway through? Does that stem from a place of being worried about their sub's happiness and comfort, or being more worried about how they're being perceived?
And for my submissives:
Are they heart-in-their-throat nervous, or are they confident that they can take whatever their dom dishes out to them? If the latter is true, it is because they feel like they have something to prove?
Are they a pliant sub who surrenders all control immediately, an eager-to-please sub who takes an active role in the scene, or are they fighting back to make their dom really put their money where their mouth is?
Do they ask for what they want, or do they only take whatever their dom demands or suggests? Even your submissive party might have preferences or requests, and whether they ask for them with confidence or would rather crawl into a hole than voice it aloud can say so much about them as a person - and about their trust in their dom.
Whether it's your characters' first time or their fiftieth time - or their fiftieth time that feels like the first time - every encounter is automatically laced with incredible subtext. It's up to you as the author to capitalize on that opportunity to give new insight to the discerning reader and make your work that much more immersive and worth the readers' investment.
Consider, too, how amazing first-time sex scenes can be written. There's a whole host of emotions going through your virgin's head, be it an "It's about time!" attitude, an "I can't fail at this too" approach, an incredibly nervous "My partner's so hot ohmygodwhatdoIdo" or even a very curious and coy "I've never done this before, can you... can you show me how?" I feel like that alone deserves its own post, honestly.
The Big D - Dialogue
Finally, your dialogue can be both incredibly sexy and incredibly revealing. Both what your partners say to one another and what your POV character says in their own head gives us a lot of information about them. Your characters' internal language is an incredibly powerful tool for characterization on its own.
Take a look at some of Legend's internal dialogue in a recent first time Legend/Hyrule scene I'd written:
Words all rushed to his throat too quickly — wait stop you don’t have to let me shower again quick hang on aren’t you tired I don’t know if I’m ready — and instantly died there as Hyrule did something that made another pathetic sound waver in Legend’s chest. Great, this was their first foray into oral and Hyrule was going to think he sounded like a weanling goat during sex, but gods damn if Legend couldn’t string together a coherent sentence.
Here, Legend is so worried about what's going on in his head that he can't even focus on what's happening in the present, or whether he's even enjoying himself. Even if I hadn't mentioned that this was one of their first times, I bet you'd have been able to correctly guess that on your own.
We learn a lot about Dark, who we haven't previously known a whole hell of a lot about, in one of Twilight and Dark's first times in LMTCOY. Let's look at some of their dialogue:
“We shouldn’t…”
"Uh-huh."
"I-I'm still on the clock, you know."
Dark made a low sound against the front of Twilight's throat. He didn't care.
"What if— hah… What if somebody comes in??”
"I locked the door on my way in."
Despite his protests, Twilight had been the one to yank Dark up onto the bar by his collar, and he was the one in a position of control. His shirt hung open, exposing him to Dark’s lips and teeth, and he arched at the drag of painted nails down his chest and stomach.
“We shouldn’t,” Twilight tried again as Dark’s lips traced along the side of his neck.
“You used that excuse already.” Dark’s tongue teasingly flicked the hoop that dangled from Twilight’s ear.
“I don’t have a condom,” he managed to choke out.
“Wanna try it without?” Dark's eyes were bright in the low light of the barroom. “I don’t mind.”
We've learned more than a few things about both characters here in just a few lines. Dark has enough foresight to lock the door and give them some privacy at Telma's Bar, which insinuates that his choice to not bring protection along isn't just borne of forgetfulness. Later on in the same scene, we discover that Twilight's "we shouldn't" is nothing more than a weak protest he thinks he's supposed to make because of his internalized homophobia. In fact, we really don't see Twilight smiling or laughing much in this series outside of his moments with Dark.
Finally, let's look at Time's internal monologue and a little dialogue during his recent LMTCOY scene with Malon:
Time's skin burned where Malon's nails bit into his thigh, warning him to stay still. Someone was making pathetic, bleating sounds, and her lips over his made Time realize that shit, that was all him.
“There you go,” she murmured in that sweet, singsong way of hers. “That’ll keep you distracted.”
Oh gods she left him like that, she left him like that and was pushing his knees up to his shoulders, shifting his weight [...] and sinking down over him and Time felt helpless, for the first time in a good long time, helpless to the woman he adored, to the wife didn’t deserve—
“Malon,” he croaked, his tongue heavy in his mouth.
"Shhh..."
Time weakly kissed the finger she laid against his lips. She didn’t come into focus until she’d leaned in close to his face.
"You be good, and I'll let you know when I'm finished."
In context, this scene represents a huge departure from what we've come to know of Time in the LMTCOY series. He's normally dominant and in a top position, and in this scenario he's willingly handed over all of that control to Malon, which speaks even more to his character than it does to hers. We also see how easy and confident Malon is in this situation, insinuating that this isn't their first encounter like this.
Listen, I could go on forever about characterization through smut writing. It's a really rich format for showcasing both individual characterization and exploring complex relationships. PWP has its place, but integrating smut into your other writing can give you the opportunity to explore a whole new side of your characters that we might not otherwise get to see. How explicit you get with that exploration is entirely up to you and your comfort level!
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Miguel O’Hara Headcanons
(from a bitch who hasn’t seen the movie or read a single piece of source material on him)
18+ MINORS DNI
SFW:
Rarely cooks for himself because he’s always on the go, but when he does find the time to whip up a meal, it’s always the best thing you’ve ever tasted.
Dry sense of humor, but will crack a smile (and sometimes even a laugh) despite himself at your puns/jokes/general silliness
Stubborn as all hell. Will fight tooth and nail with you over the dumbest shit just because he’s so obstinate.
Speaking of stubborn, good luck getting this man to admit he was wrong. You could draft a whole essay in MLA format with a PowerPoint presentation on why, in fact, he’s completely wrong and he’ll still look you dead in your eyes and say “That proves nothing. I’m right.” Sir, no you are not, let me count the ways.
Don’t let that deter you though! He apologizes for his stubbornness in other ways—whether it’s a bouquet of your favorite flowers or bringing you coffee in the morning, he’s a man of action, not words.
Stoic and standoffish when you first meet him. It takes him a little while to soften, and there’s a big part of him that wants to cave, to break down those walls and open himself back up, but he fights it every time. Despite that, he craves softness and warmth, so when you come along to give it to him in droves, it’s a losing battle for him to keep you at arm’s length
Once those walls are down it’s like night and day. He’s handsy, can’t keep them to himself. He’s always gotta be touching you in some capacity if only to remind himself that you’re real and he needs to cherish every moment he gets with you because he knows better than most how quickly things can change.
Will always make time for you. Doesn’t matter the time of day or night, doesn’t matter what he’s doing, you call and he’s on his way.
Uses all sorts of pet names on you in English and Spanish. Mi cielo (my heaven/sky), mi alma (my soul), chula (cutie), reinita (little queen), mi amor (my love), babe/baby, angel, sweetheart, sunshine, and bunny to name a few. If it’s sweet and makes you fluster, he’s all for it.
Speaks Spanglish a lot, especially when he’s mad. Will switch between both so fast you can hardly keep up, and he’ll stop mid-rant and give you a sheepish smile, shrugging his shoulders. “My mouth has a mind of its own, bonita. Lo siento.”
Calls you often when the two of you are apart. Can’t end his night without hearing your voice. No matter where he is, you can guarantee your phone will ring right before you fall asleep every single night. He always says he’s just calling you to say goodnight, but then the pair of you end up talking for hours. Not that you mind, the lack of sleep is worth it.
NSFW UNDER THE CUT
Oscillates between a hard and soft dom depending on the day he’s had or the mood he’s in, but regardless of that, he’s always the top.
Eats for his pleasure. When his face is buried between your thighs, it’s not about you, it’s about him and he’ll eat until he’s satisfied, regardless of how desperately you try to shove him off. “Nuh uh, mami, m’not finished yet. Lay back and take it, huh? Be a good girl and let me have my fill. Tastes too damn good.”
Grunts and growls most of the time, but when he’s feeling softer that man 100% whimpers.
A vocal lover—he likes to taunt and tease you, overwhelms you with praise, forces you to answer his questions even in the midst of your fuzzy-headed bliss. “Speak up, princessa. I asked you if you can feel me deep up in that belly. Yeah? There we go. That’s my girl.”
His favorite positions to fuck you in tend to alternate, but he’s a big fan of doggy with his hand around your throat while you’re on your knees with your back to his chest, mainly because it allows him to sink his teeth into your neck and speak absolute filth in your ear. Missionary or a full blown mating press and prone bone are others he enjoys. Also likes to pound into you from below when you ride him—again, this man is all about control so even when you think you have the upper hand, you don’t.
Big on marking you—with his fangs or otherwise. When you ask him to bite you for the first time he goes absolutely feral, fucks you so hard you can’t walk right or sit down for a week, your chest, neck, and back littered with bruises, bite marks, and a prominent puncture wound at the hollow of your throat.
Stamina for days. My guy could spend hours on end fucking you into the mattress and he does every single time. There are no quickies with Miguel—when he makes time for you, he makes time. Will clear out an entire day and dedicate it solely to taking you apart and piecing you back together just so he can do it all over again. “One more round, baby. C’mon, need it. You’re not gonna deprive me, are you? Nah—you know better. Open up for me, chula, just like that.”
Big breeder balls. (Sorry, I don’t make the rules.) My boy will stuff you so fucking full. Practically cums buckets and loves to watch it ooze out of your abused little hole when he’s finished pumping several loads inside you. “Lookit that, huh? Ese pequeño coño está lleno, ¿no?” (That little cunt is stuffed full, isn’t it?)
#miguel o’hara#miguel o’hara smut#spiderverse imagine#miguel o’hara imagine#miguel o’hara x reader#miguel o’hara x you
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so i've been low key pondering over what is it about gunter that twigged my 'dude, you are a freak nasty kinky fuck (solidarity 🤝)' radar from day one.
ergo, have an old school ~*krad does a character analysis essay*~
under the cut for kink talk and also sheer length !
introduction
why would I want to lead into this reading?
gunter is honestly, to me, an extremely cool subversion of his own FE archetypes on top of (imo) what types of characters are "allowed" to be kinky. a good chunk of FE characters, particularly jeigan archetypes tend to be one note about their devotion to their lords and/or country, and a little stuffy/uptight. when they do have a personality, they still tend to be pretty "safe" nurturing caretaker type of archetypes (eg, titania, and i say that loving her as a character).
of course, nothing wrong with liking said archetype; my tastes just happen to run differently.
gunter is explicitly both those things (could be read as uptight and a caretaker) and still, fascinatingly -- has his darker sides. you don't have a whole-ass ingame cgi and arc of going ham as the possessed yandere villain with a pretty consistent sexual undertone and still keep a ~purely wholesome~ reputation.
so what's the in-game canonical nods that started pinging the radar?
point one: i'm still not over the whip reference in his corrin supports
the tl;dr of his fcorrin C-A support is they pick up an old game of theirs since her northern fortress years -- playing catch with an old leather ball. it isn't until the A support that you hear gunter made the ball from a whip that garon handed to him to whip corrin as discipline.
this assumes several things: (1) gunter knows his way around whips (2) to the point of most likely whipping somebody in discipline before, otherwise why would garon be so convinced he'd follow through? and then
(3) nintendo why the fuck would you add something like this if you didn't intend on us reading some kind of vibe here LMAO. the fact that treehouse kept this line while "sanitizing" most other deeply horny fates scripts makes me inclined to think they knew they'd be breaking gunter's entire characterization if they'd tried to bowderize it, or they just didn't give a shit, thinking that they could probably get away with it since he's not niles-popular. (both can be true).
while it doesn't mean everyone with a passing interests in leather and whips is automatically some flavor of kinkster. just. speaking from IRL experience, the crossover between the groups is also a wee bit higher than the background population. either they tend to be a younger man looking to be "badass" like indiana jones, or their job involves some flavor of implement or ... yeah.
point two: mcorrin/fcorrin script differences & gunter harboring feelings for fcorrin (always has been.jpg)
additional script differences cost money. companies like nintendo hate spending money especially when there's a finite budget, and doubly so for non-popular characters.
so ime, when there's a clear difference between scripts in a non-obvious spot, and it's there in both the JP/EN versions like gunter's final revelation talk with mcorrin and fcorrin, i pay attention. that's nintendo more often than not underlining something and saying "hey, this matters to characterization".
cue this bit after you bring gunter back from the brink of being possessed and talking some sense into him:
Corrin: Whatever your motivations, you stayed by my side and helped me. Your intentions may have been dark, but you were still good to me.
(If Corrin is male)
Corrin: And that's what you'll always be—my friend.
(If Corrin is female)
Corrin: You'll always be important to me.
Gunter: But, I... I killed Scarlet...
Corrin: I know, but you were under the control of Anankos. You weren't you. If you truly wish to atone for what you've done, you must live. Live for Scarlet's sake. Live for the family that was taken from you. I need you to help me fight Anankos. To protect all the people he could still hurt.
(If Corrin is male)
Corrin: Let's go. Our final battle awaits.
(If Corrin is female)
Gunter: ...
Corrin: Let's go. Our final battle awaits.
now obviously, with a literal "dot dot dot" line, you by definition have to read into the sentiment. one could just as easily argue that here....
.....
nope, i got nothing, lol. m!corrin gets a very pointed "you're my friend" line, and if nintendo wanted to dissuade from the romantic/sexual subtext, they could have awkwardly tried to stick to their more neutral "you're my mentor/father figure/etc" guns which read way more platonic, especially if you kept it the same for both.
that script change is only for f!corrin, and gunter has a few other script mentions where f!corrin gets something extra from him. this combined with f!corrin's particularly sexual-subtext-ladened support chain with the whip-ball (versus m!corrin's pretty platonic "feed the poor kid") vibe hints that he's always held a flame for f!corrin, which leads into asking some pretty interesting questions about his tastes.
it's some kinda vibes all right!
imma also be honest: (possessed!)gunter gets a little sexually subtextual in general. there's other revelation quotes like this during the confrontation --
Gunter: I would tear every last bit of innocence away from you.
(dude) (wow)
-- and the gothic horror camera angle/framing of certian scenes with him alone with corrin, most pointedly when corrin's alone with him, anankaos channels himself through gunter, the screen goes white, and corrin wakes up with him leaning right over her, practically on top of her. all of these add up to one hell of a sexual subtext in the last three chapters.
i could break this down further into shot by shot visual analysis since that's my field as a design manager, but this essay's long as is (and I'll cover this in the current revelation liveblog anyway).
point three: there's a suspicious amount of nohrian characters that have explicit kinks
there's xander with his JP crossdressing supports. niles with his ... nearly everything in his quotes, bless him. and camilia too on the ladies side what with her sadisim and S/M behavior, more blatant in the JP script side which is (ime) the more faithful one.
I'm probably missing an example here (garon also felt weirdly sexual for a FE dad/final boss, somewhat usually lampshaded in the comments of the 'azura dances for him' cgi movie), and that's not even mentioning the faceless which -- i don't know about you, but i've seen actual folsom BDSM gear less kinky than that enemy design.
clearly: nintendo's not exactly afraid to lay some sexual subtext with nohrian characters. hoshidos generally don't get this treatment, this often.
is it likely part and parcel of how they intended to "villain code" nohrian characters, since adding kinks to an antagonistic faction has a long history in media to make them feel more "othered" and dangerous? most likely!
regardless, i absolutely get why they'd layer in that vibe with gunter especially in revelation's route when he's one of the final bosses. adding an edge of sexual menace is an easy if cheap way to butter on that foreshadowing, and it separates him from the "nice(r) guy gunter" in the conquest married route.
sort of.
to which ...
point four: there is no polite way to get around the incesty caretaker daddy vibe in their married route so imma just say it lmao
[ just gestures wildly at his A-S support chain with fcorrin ]
somebody who is completely vanilla is not uhhh, going to have that love conversation/confession right after a literal 'father figure' mention :'D
people are entitled to their own tastes, and while i'm the type to bounce in when people bounce out "because it got too creepy", i do think it's pretty telling that there's a hell of a lot of people that got twigged out of their support and don't generally pursue it unless if they're completion fanatics. even if I'm reading way the hell into this -- they're responding to something, that's for darn sure.
one more thing to point out with the supports --
Gunter: And since you missed, you must answer a question I have for you.
Corrin: All right, ask away.
Gunter: Is there anyone in camp that you have particularly strong feelings for?
Corrin: Wh-what? Why would you ask that?
Gunter: Ah, I'm the one who is asking questions.
by itself, that last line could read fairly platonically. but with everything else.... whew. this is a man who's very aware of power dynamics. speaking of --
point five: just trust me bro
call it uhhhh prurient interest, but there has been quite a few times when i've nailed a (IRL) person's interest in kink by that version of a gaydar :P just a little too many times for it to be coincidence.
if you're asking me, the tell-tale hints are usually :
(a) a hyper-awareness of power dynamics compared to normies,
and
(b) hints of adjacent interest/sub-cultural aesthetics. (eg, goth and alt-fashion, common kink implements that can be hidden in plain sight like handcuffs, whips, boots, leather as a fashion).
and obviously we're talking about a fictional character which changes the conversation (characters being built from the ground up to serve a plot. rather than a fleshed out autonomous human being with their own set of preferences that can change over time), but listen, mate -- if my kink radar was a geiger counter, gunter here lit up like fucking chernobyl. :P
all I have to do is point at the whip bit to (5b), and regarding point (5a) ... well. you know the interesting thing about kinksters is that in addition to power dynamics, some of them have a particular thing about titles?
you know who else has a whole very specific thing about titles?
in conclusion
now, all that said, could it be wish fulfillment? absolutely. and it does need to be said -- i dig the character a lot for many other reasons! but i'm focusing on this kink angle in this essay as frankly, it's not a popular topic to talk about in fandom, and it's a fascinating itch to scratch at.
there's the sense in wider media these days that anyone over the age of 40-50 isn't allowed to have a sex life much less something as edgy as kinks unless if they're a complete monster, which is both as untrue as it is unfair. shame never helped anyone -- and i've always been partial to my messy favorite characters who never apologized for what they were. once a villainfucker, always a villainfucker.
either way, there are distinctly too many coincidences for me to write him as anything but, and I'm having fun in this sandbox ~
thanks for reading!
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Okay so as promised (By me, to me) I am writing about Deimos!
He's by far my favorite Durge and the first essay length bit of this is JUST for Act 1. Acts 2 and 3 will be in reblogs at some point
Also who knows I might make a post about his days in the dead three at some point (Read; probably soon because this boy has rotted my brain from the inside out).
You know the drill by now. ADHD ramble under the cut.
Deimos wakes up on the Nautiloid with a specific set of items on him. I don't feel like opening a save just to look at the starting inventory, but the thing that matters here is the book Paladin Oaths and Their Tenets;
(Interesting thing- This book is nowhere on the wiki. I would put it on there myself but I don't understand how wiki editing really works)
This book, I kid you not, is the most important part of roleplaying Deimos for me. He wakes up with no memories, head pounding, covered in blood, but he has tenets, and he WILL follow them (He's Oath of Devotion btw).
In addition to the text of the book, I headcanon that there are little notes in the margins of the pages- doodles and little jokes. Just stuff you would do if you were bored and had an old book on you.
Waking up on the beach, his immediate priority isn't necessarily survival or taking in his surroundings, it's his fucked up brain. I think a lot of people downplay how goddamn TERRIFYING it is to not have any memories. Like I've had days where I was sick and couldn't remember anything, and it was genuinely distressing, and this is like... 100 times worse than that.
So he panics, a little, and goes through all the items on his person. He has armor and a Warhammer, and... this book. He reads through it, and his thought is "Okay, I'm a paladin. That's something" And he finds a symbol of Ilmater drawn in the book and goes "Okay, that's my god probably. So I know two (2) things about myself! Awesome"
Thing is; Deimos is an amnesiac with 8 intelligence. He can kind of guess what Ilmater's followers believe, but the specifics are lost on him. The result is the funniest paladin to ever paladin.
Just imagine you're like... Shadowheart. This dude saves you from a Mindflayer pod. He seems nice enough when he's not complaining about a headache, and he's a competent fighter. You ask him who his god is and he's like "Uh... Ilmater, I guess." And you're like "...Okay" because you're a secret Shar worshipper so you kind of get being weird about deities, but Ilmater is a very acceptable god to follow and you're pretty sure he's not lying, but then why is he being weird about it. This guy is extremely devoted to his tenets but he's not even 100% sure what they are. He makes every moral decision based off of a book in his pocket and a general idea of what paladins/Ilmater devotees are like that may or may not be accurate. He doesn't even know how to pray, but he's pretty sure he's supposed to do it. The only thing he seems 100% sure about is his name, but at this point, you wouldn't be surprised if he got it off of a roadsign somewhere.
He's so fucking weird.
Deimos is incredibly freaked out by the urges, because obviously. After Shadowheart the first person he finds is Gale, and their first meeting is wonderfully awkward because Gale is being himself and Deimos is distracted by the fact that he really wanted to chop off this guy's hand like 15 seconds ago.
And then... Astarion.
Look, Durgestarion is canon in my heart and you have to deal with it now.
Deimos is incredibly easy to manipulate but in the weirdest way possible. Basically, if you can convince him that doing something is morally sound, or even just morally neutral but you really want him to do it? He'll just fucking do it. The Gur scene was the first real test of this:
Astarion: Hey this guy sucks
Deimos: No he doesn't be cool
What's his face: I'm hunting a vampire spawn named Astarion
Deimos (Internally): Hm... Astarion is Good... and hunting good people is bad... So hunting Astarion is bad...
Astarion: Please can I kill him?
Deimos: Yeah okay
(Note; Deimos' definition of a "Good person" is a person he likes and who hasn't done anything morally bankrupt in his line of sight. Astarion encourages him to do bad things but so does his brain so he just doesn't listen to either of them)
However; The Urges. My way of thinking is that instead of doing horrible violence and mutilation and cannibalism whenever the option presents itself he just does something funny and kind of rude (This is the only reason he has high approval with Astarion. Astarion is constantly getting him to do weird confusing shit for his own amusement. Baa-ing at the redcaps in the swamp? 100% Astarion's influence. Threatening a magic mirror? 60% Astarion's influence and 40% because Deimos is a little bit of a himbo and doesn't like it when things try to test his intelligence. He is not a riddle person).
I cannot stress enough how weird this man appears to everyone who meets him. Friend or foe everyone around who talks to him for more than five minutes is hit with confusion. He rolls up to the scene with Kagha and Arabella and ignores the Dark Urge, only to immediately go "Hey I'm a paladin I can cast judgment on things" (A thing he is not sure that paladins actually do but he says it with confidence) and instead of making any moral arguments he's just like "I don't fuck with you snake lady let the kid go." He has high charisma but only uses it for persuasion. Ragzlin is like "The squid man showed me ur face time to die" and he just goes "No, lol." Withers wakes up to the literal chosen of Bhaal in Ilmateri getup and asks what the value of a life is and he says "Idk it's based on vibes." Astarion convinces him that the extra supplies that keep appearing in camp are a result of his charm and that he's totally not stealing from traders and Deimos goes "Yes that makes perfect sense" while Wyll is losing his goddamn mind.
Pretty early on in the game I found a book (I'm pretty sure it's A is for Azuth and Other Gods 6? Can you tell that a lot of roleplay is based around books for me) That has Ilmater, and between this children's book and the general assumptions people make about him, he can guess that he's supposed to be a martyr. It isn't his natural instinct, but he takes to it surprisingly well (His fighting style is protection, by the way. It's useless in combat but thematically appropriate so I don't care). I also think that he would encourage Gale to ramble about Ilmater because the man is like Forgotten Realms Google and this is probably his most trustworthy source of information for a while. I think Deimos really likes Gale because he talks a lot and helps drown out the murder thoughts.
So Deimos keeps up the facade-but-not-really-a-facade of being a brave, kind, selfless person who puts everyone before himself, and he tells his companions that he has dark thoughts and impulses, but they tell him that it's normal, and who is he to question them? (Again, he is easily convinced by things in weird ways. He trusts basically anyone more than he trusts his own brain, right now)
...And then Alfira comes to camp.
OH BOY. Okay so I have done playthroughs where I knock out Alfira and kill the Dragonborn bard instead, but I've been trying really hard not to metagame in this run so sadly our lovely tiefling bard is no longer with us. Deimos' honest first reaction to finding out he gored her is... to laugh.
Not a happy laugh, mind you- He's horrified, but his first thought is that he's broken his Oath, and then that that is decidedly not the first thing he should be thinking after he killed an innocent woman. So he laughs at the irony, and then he cries, and then he vomits. He cleans the blood off his hands but not because he wants to hide what he did. He just thinks that if he has to feel the blood on his fingers for one more second then he's going to go insane.
He never really stops feeling the blood. It will always be there.
My party at this point was Karlach, Astarion, and Wyll, and... Ouch. I felt like physical pain the first time I played Durge and everyone was mad at me. I think Deimos has that experience, here.
He wants to cry but he knows that he doesn't deserve to be upset about this. He vows that no innocent will ever die at his hand again, and sequesters himself in the ruin with the magic mirror in it and prays. He doesn't know how,really, but something in him remembers what a prayer for forgiveness sounds like. He begs Ilmater to listen to his repentance. Deimos carries a permanent, bone-deep guilt, but this is the first time he feels it so keenly.
He must read his tenets a hundred times, that day. He asks Withers to bring her back, but he understands why he can't. This is a burn on his conscience. She's at peace now, at least.
He is not, but what he feels doesn't matter.
(He is still immensely relieved that his oath is still intact. Breaking his oath might as well be breaking Deimos, and there's no telling what he will do once he's broken)
But, while everyone else is horrified, scared, or maybe just annoyed with Deimos, Astarion doesn't hate him.
And, look... Deimos' moral compass is literally a book, and the book doesn't say that he can't like a guy who thinks it's funny when you tell kids they're gonna die. He just really wants someone to not hate him, so now his best friend is a guy with an extremely underdeveloped moral compass. I think he clocks pretty early on that Astarion is manipulating him. But also... he doesn't care.
Deimos has always been- pre and post lobotomy- loyal to a fault. He was loyal to his foster family until Bhaal made him kill them. He was loyal to Bhaal and Saverok and even Orin. He was loyal to Gortash and Ketheric. He is a paladin at heart, whether that be under Bhaal or Ilmater. He is loyal and dutiful and constantly wracked with guilt.
Guilt for disobeying his father. Guilt for caring about people. Guilt for his past. Guilt for his urges. He's catholic coded.
So just like he was loyal to Bhaal he becomes loyal to Ilmater. Just like he was loyal to Gortash and Ketheric (Yeah, I'm going there) he becomes loyal to Astarion.
And like, he sleeps with Astarion, and he doesn't mind it, and for all his manipulation they do actually like each other, and then the tiefling party happens...
And look... Deimos knows that Astarion is lying when he says "I love you." He knows and acknowledges that fact and he can fully see that Astarion is pulling his strings like a good little puppet.
...And he just doesn't care. He lets himself believe, if only for a night, that someone loves him, despite his hands that are stained with blood and death and secrets.
And he lets Astarion feed on him, and they travel through the Underdark, and Deimos tries to hold his broken brain together.
The Grym fight is a weirdly potent moment for him, because I think that's when it really hits his companions that Deimos... Just does not value his own life.
Because at this point my party was Shadowheart, Karlach, and Astarion. Astarion and Deimos lure Grym onto the crucible, and Astarion can disengage and jump away. Karlach takes out the last of the magma mephits, and Shadowheart is next to the crucible lever.
Deimos can't disengage, though, and he cast survival instinct on Astarion earlier. So he drinks a potion of superior healing, and he tells Shadowheart to pull the lever.
Astarion's "No, my sweet bloodthirsty friend!" UGH I love it.
But Deimos (barely) survives (Which in reality means "Yay I don't have to use a scroll of revivify" but I want my angst so shhh)
They long rest, and the next day it's up to the mountain pass. I... really don't have a lot to say about the Githyanki Creche? Except that I know that Deimos just follows Lae'zel's lead on this. He bows to Vlaakith, and he... mildly considers killing the Dream Visitor (Who, by the way, looks as close to Jaheira as I could make her look, because the boy needs a mom and the Emperor clocks that easily)
He also gets VERY angry about the Varsh's treatment of Varrl (That is a CHILD how DARE you. I wish there was an option to fight him without making everyone else in the Creche hostile I hate this man)
I turned on non-lethal attacks for fighting my way out of the Creche, because I think Deimos doesn't want to kill these people- For Lae'zel's sake, and for his own.
Okay so maybe I do have a bit to say about the Creche sue me.
That awful fight with the like death knights or whatever in the mountain pass sucks. I don't know why but it always makes me so incredibly angry. Maybe it's just because that was the first place I ever actually had a party member die idk. Not related to Deimos I just had a bad time.
Oh, the Elminster thing...
Unlike almost every Tav or Durge I have, Deimos understands Gale's want to sacrifice himself to save the world/earn Mystra's forgiveness. He's a martyr, after all. He doesn't judge- He knows that feeling. He tells Gale as much. He doesn't want his friend to die, but he wants his friend to feel like he has a purpose. (Semi-related; This is my first run where I'm free of the bug where Gale is in love with you no matter what, and his platonic Act 2 scene before the Illithid colony is just... So sweet? Like he just wants his friend to be there for him. I love that wizard. Yes I will watch the stars with you buddy)
But now we are on to the Shadow Cursed lands, and Act 1 is over. Wow, this was so long.
#bg3#baldur's gate 3#baldur's gate iii#baldurs gate#baldurs gate 3#durge posting#bg3 durge#durge bg3#durge#Toad's Tavs#tw: suicidal thoughts#tw: death
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