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#feel free to discuss your ideas
marubien · 1 month
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How would you rewrite Mulan 2?
I'd just begin from scratch really. I tried to come up what would I keep from the existing sequel and I think that's maybe just the yin-yang necklaces. Which were a deleted idea from the first movie anyway.
Easy and lazy answer would be to go with whatever idea they had in Mulan 2's deleted scene, battle sequence, (check it out, it's super cool). It's like spy-ninja-duo of Mulan and Shang working like a badass couple. Mulan 2 concept arts (part 1, part 2) are not too bad either, and although they definitely have some usual Disney sequel cliches(eg. having the girl Mushu dragon), I'd still think I could enjoy it a bit more than what they ended up with.
Then there's Barry Cook's draft, aka the co-director of the original movie wrote synopsis for the potential sequel when he heard that Disney was considering of doing sequel to Mulan. In fact there was going to be Mulan 3 as well, apparently Mulan 2 ruined it as it was too badly received. There's hardly anything known of Barry Cook's draft details, just that soon-to-be-married Mulan and Shang are sent to north since things are happening there, and at the end there would have been an epic battle between Mulan's ancestors and Shan Yu's deceased army.
Actually I lied earlier what would be easiest and laziest. That would be just doing the visual novel The Palace of Secrets. Seriously I wouldn't change a thing.
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There's many directions where one could go with the sequel really, some fanfics have done pretty amazing job exploring different options. I have made a post where I put up some fanfic recommendations, but some are like one-shots so they could hardly be sequels.
Personally, rather than a sequel movie I really really would like to see Mulan tv-series. Something like Tangled: the Series. It could have the sillier filler episodes but the main plot could be epic. Series could also make possible to explore side characters' character arc in more detail. I have played with this idea before too, with my friend @mulanxiaojie.
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I'm quite satisfield how the first movie ended, but I'll list some pointers that I and I think most would like to see in a continuation story:
Mulan getting a career
Mulan and Shang getting together
Chi Fu x Matchmaker :P
And then some that are not really necessary but would be really interesting to see, just to list some of the potential sequel tv series could have:
Fa Zhou's past
Mulan's and Granma Fa's relationship
seeing the other guardians besides Mushu (and the Great Stone Dragon)
developing Gang of Three as invidual characters
exploring historical China
an actual villain (should be basic but the sequel didn't have that)
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fandomregression · 1 year
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Possible New AO3 Tags!!
So, I think we all know that the ao3 tag situation is...not ideal. You have basically two choices for tags: Age Regression/De-aging (which is technically meant for physically regressed/de-aged characters, not agere) or Non-sexual Age Play (which is...the wrong thing). Both of these tags are inaccurate for our community, but we have used them because its as close as we can get. It's even gotten to the point where Age Regression/De-aging has wrangled everything under the sun for agere (agere, age regression, regression, and every tag we make complaining about our tag situation). So! I have two possibilities for new tags we can use!
🧸Inner Child Therapy🧸
this one is probably the most obvious choice? at least it is to me lol inner child therapy is another, more clinical name for agere, so it would be a good choice. it's also not currently used for anything on ao3 (Healing the Inner Child is a tag, but not currently one with more than i think 3 fics, and it's not a common tag, so it would more than likely get wrangled, but I think it'd be okay)
with this one, we would also have the option to use secondary tags like we use with Age Regression/De-aging currently (think how a lot of fics use "Age Regression Little [Character]" tags, we could use something like "Inner Child Little [Character]" instead)
i think inner child therapy as a term would also help with the stigma around agere because it really...can't be confused with anything else? not as far as i can make out anyway lol
a con toward this would be that not many ppl currently know this as a term, and therefore it would be hard to implement
🖍Crayonfic🖍
i just think this one is cute. like we're all just out here writing our fics in crayon to share with each other hehe
in my head, this would even be able to include a whole tagging system using diff crayon colors to mean different things (when i was thinking of this concept, i was thinking along the lines of pink crayon = fluff, blue = angst, green = whump, purple = romantic, orange = platonic, white = diapers, etc etc etc etc)
it just so cute in my head lol, and it would definitely be easy to separate from the current tags
a con toward this one is just that it could be confusing to try to implement and i could see it getting wildly out of hand and complicated if we aren't careful with it
No matter what, it will absolutely be a struggle to change tags to get away from what we have right now. In order for any sort of new tag, one of these or something else, to work we would all have to agree not to crosstag. When tagging fics, you would *not* be able to tag it with the old tags and one of the new ones because it would more than likely result in the new tag getting wrangled and then we're back to square one. It would have to be a community effort to get it explained *why* things are different, now, and how to find fics. It would also be a struggle to get authors of older works to maybe switch their tags out so that new readers can find them more easily under a new tag.
These are just my ideas, and I'd love to open the discussion up to you guys!! If there's any other ideas for tags, I'd love to hear them!!!
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mothfables · 6 months
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Modern Day Chain Work at a Christmas Market
so i work at a seasonal christmas market and had this idea today while we were doing set-up. time to induce my misery (lighthearted) on my favourite characters lmao
under the cut so it doesn’t take up your dash haha
Time is the closest thing they have to a manager. he does not like this. Warriors is a close second
Twilight + Four are in charge of physically setting up the tent/stall
Legend, Wild, and Four are in charge of displays (well, when Four isn’t fed up from setting up the tent)
Wild works in the back/warehouse, Time the register with regular breaks on the floor, Legend on the floor (he refuses to even touch the register), Hyrule the floor, Twilight on the floor and occasionally register, Sky’s the greeter and occasionally works the floor or other things, Warriors is mostly on the register, and Four does a bit of everything. Wind is technically, on paper, on greeter duty (cause, yknow, child labour) but he sticks his nose into everything, much to literally everyone else’s chagrin
Time tends to put Sky on greeter duty because he knows the other man tends to tire easily, but he does surprisingly well at whatever he’s assigned. that being said, whatever he does, he passes out immediately upon getting home
they tried the ‘My Name is Link’ nametag thing exactly once. they lasted two days before everyone was sick of it
Hyrule is still shy + uncomfortable around crowds, despite working there for four years. Time has tried putting him on the floor to try to boost his confidence, but he still escapes to the back at every opportunity
Legend flat-out refuses to work their busiest weekends. he told Time they’d have to drag him kicking and screaming into the store if they absolutely want him there. Time has yet to test this
Time + Twilight are physically intimidating, which tends to be a deterrent for most shoplifters + Karens. when that doesn’t work, though, they have a secret weapon: Hyrule
shy he may be, put him in front of a Karen and you’re in for a show. more than one of them have stopped what they’re doing to watch things go down. Time has berated them for it but they don’t pay him any mind considering he’s guilty of the exact same thing
also, Hyrule has a sixth sense for potential shoplifters, no matter where in the store he is. Four + Legend have been trying to figure it out but after four years they still don’t have an explanation
Time asked Mallon once if she wanted to work at the market with them. she laughed and told him she’d rather stay on the ranch. there are many days where Time regrets not doing the same thing
Wild does not work the floor. he has stated in no uncertain terms that if he’s put out there he will bite someone. to this day Time doesn’t know if he means a customer or one of them
everyone has their own organizational system that directly contradicts everyone else’s. they all hate it
Wind works the least hours out of all of them (considering he’s fourteen). he’s pouted about this many times, but the rest of them agree he should save his back + knees while he still can
Ravio is perfectly happy with his own shop. he does pop in sometimes to say hello, though, and on occasion brings treats for everyone
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carlyraejepsans · 2 years
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I'm constantly rotating sans' nebulous morality compass in my brain, and if there's two pieces of dialogue in all of canon that I've never been able to concile with one other it's flowey's "piece of advice" post neutral route(s) and the way sans describes the anomaly in the second phase of his fight.
the ambiguity on whether sans would have killed you if he hadn't made that promise to toriel is an aspect of his character that makes him the perfect judge at the end of your journey. i don't think he would've, personally, but the only true reason i have to explain why is that capturing/meeting a real human would've made papyrus happy (remember how he was feeling down before our arrival?). it's a circumstancial explanation, i couldn't tell you if morally he has any stance against taking your life.
on the contrary, if there's anything that ties you to him regardless of his morals, it's his knowledge of the anomaly. both in how he realizes it's you pretty early in the game and how he... clearly empathizes with it. and kind of projects on it as well!
that's why flowey's advice sounds... odd to me. sans' feelings towards the anomaly are supposed to work as a contrasting force to whatever practical reason he'd have in killing you. he's more likely to be your friend as the anomaly, than as The Human. so when you take the human part out of the equation, it stands to reason that he'd have no interest in antagonizing you. even more so, asriel's story would be one he'd emphasize with even more so than ours (tried to help people through the wrong means and when he realized it met his death in order to set things right. woke up as the result of a science experiment gone wrong in a world different from the one he had left, constantly, desperately missing/grieving a person he loved dearly and that he can never see again)
but flowey says not to let him find out ANYTHING about you. heavily implying your reset abilities, ie your being the/an anomaly. granted, this dialogue comes after multiple neutral runs, so it's sort of a given you've both abused your save power to kill people out of curiosity. THAT'S where I think toriel's promise saves your ass. he WOULD kill you, out of moral AND practical reasons, given any other circumstances. but to act like his knowing you can reset alone is a threat?
...it just doesn't sound right to me.
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solar-sunnyside-up · 1 year
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this really cool article - https://www.bu.edu/bhr/2015/02/01/780/ talks about the history, particular England, and its grocery delivery system over the decades. How originally, you would send a list to a shop keeper for goods like Flour, sugar, milk, etc.. And have it delivered. Than the Cash and carry system, during the depression kicked off in order to save on delivery costs.  Basically putting all the work of Picking, sorting, loading, and transporting onto the individual rather than the business. But god, in a current system where you have something akin to a post officer do this?? It would really help decentralize cars as primary mode of transport if you didn't have to do all the work yourself. It's draining, its manual labor in its own right. Its not accessable. Its not efficient. It creates a competition on food that isnt necessary mostly for Perfect Produce. Lately we are starting to return to this threw delivery systems like Instacart (Gag) who exploit workers and customers for profit. But again, imagine for just a moment what this COULD look like. A neighborhood wide grocery drop off day like garbage pick up or the mail. Imagine having a day you knew was every week that you'd fill out a list and someone shows up with that sugar you where low on bc you wanted to make cookies. Imagine having the SAME rotation of ppl so you could know them. Imagine how different meal planning becomes, how communical it could be. How your neighbors might have over estimated how much tomatoes they go threw and ordered more so they brought you salsa.
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pulchrasilva · 15 days
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What's an anti-anti? Or an anti for that matter
Oh my friend I am so sorry to introduce you to the shitpile that is antishipping discourse
Anti is short for "antishipper", which is someone who believes certain types of ships are immoral and nobody should ship them or engage with media about them. Exactly what types of ships that includes varies (because morality will always be vague at best and you can't meaningfully categorise anything into "always good" and "always bad"), but people usually take issue with incest, ships involving one or more minors, age gaps, etc.
I consider myself a proshipper/"anti-anti" purely because I think this kind of discourse is extremely inane and potentially harmful.
Antis tend to say "problematic" ships "normalise" harmful dynamics in real life, ignoring that exploring these ideas in fiction is a safe way of engaging with darker topics and sometimes people do so to process personal trauma. Personally I've found that reading fanfiction about dark topics made me wayy more emotionally prepared to handle discussion of them in real life.
And, as I said, it's nearly impossible to draw a solid line between what should be allowed and what shouldn't be allowed. Age of consent is an arbitrary number that's chosen because legally you need a strict number if you're going to enforce the law, but a person 1 year older and 1 year younger than the age of consent aren't actually that much different. Plus the law varies from country to country, but antis tend to choose the US age of 18 because the US dominates the internet. Age-gaps between two non-minor characters get even more blurry!! And let's not forget that a ship between two men is way more likely to be flagged as pedophilia than a ship between a man and a woman. Imo if you can't make a concrete rule about it there's no point in making a rule at all.
Plus it's fiction, and not even mainstream fiction, so it's hardly gonna cause any significant shift in real life culture. These ships get criticised to hell and back in fan spaces and people get properly harassed over it, but there are plenty of professional writers portraying these things in well known media and don't get much flack for it at all - because it's way easier to tear down a fan, your equal, than a creator. It seems to me that the problem isn't really "normalising" these behaviours, because if that was the case mainstream media would be a much bigger contributor than fandom
For some reason, toxic/abusive ships are less commonly criticised despite being objectively harmful to the characters involved, and incest is the one people hate the most despite it being (imo) the one least likely to cause actual harm to the characters. Also depictions of rape and sexual abuse are usually considered off limits but you rarely get the same criticism of, say, depictions of murder. The sexual aspect of the topic seems more important than the actual harm.
AND THEN there's the fact that antis generally only argue against the ships that make them personally feel uncomfortable. Different people have different boundaries for what they consider too far, and I lose my shit every time I see antis shipping something I know other antis claim is the devil. And often the whole thing gets coopted by someone who doesn't like people shipping characters A and B because they ship B and C. ("You can't ship these unrelated characters because they're sibling-coded which makes the ship basically incest" is something I've seen a truly bonkers amount of times)
So yeah. That's the whole mess. Like I said I dont really care about whether or not antis follow me? I'm proship purely because I don't think this is a conversation that needs to be had at all. Like who cares But, go wild, romanticise the hell out of the most repulsive things!! It's nobody else's business but yours. But if I see a mutual who followed me first reblogging "any proshippers who follow me should explode and die teehee ^-^" ONE MORE TIME I might actually explode
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willkimurashat · 1 year
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Because I am an avid ATLA and TLOK fan and because it’s been trending on tumblr today, here’s a LITG crossover absolutely no one asked for but I did anyway lol (soz I’ve no idea if it’s been done before 👀)
Water Tribe
Element of change. Adaptability, sense of community and love.
Benders
S1: Erikah, Jake, Jen, Levi
S2: Hannah, Noah
S3: Genevieve, Nicky
S4: Hazeem, Oliver, Thabi
S5: Dana, Lulu
Non-benders
S1: Cherry (she’s tear-bending)
S2: Elijah, Graham, Ibrahim
S3: Miki, Ciaran
S4: James, Tom
S5: Eddie, Johnny
Fire Nation
Element of power. Desire, will, energy, drive to achieve what they want.
Benders
S1: Allegra
S2: Hope, Lottie, Lucas
S3: Camilo, Harry
S4: Cora, Valentina, Youcef
S5: Arlo, Suresh
Non-benders
S1: Lucy, Mason
S2: Marisol, Blake, Kassam, Elisa
S3: Lily, Rafi
S4: Dylan, Juliet, Lexi
S5: Gabi, Meera
Earth Kingdom
Element of substance. Diversity, strength, persistence, endurance.
Benders
S1: Talia, Reese
S2: Gary, Henrik, Shannon
S3: AJ, Tai
S4: Angie, Bruno, Najuma
S5: Alfie, Finn
Non-benders
S1: Miles, Jasper
S2: Jakub, Arjun, Carl, Jo
S3: Bill, Elladine, Seb
S4: Kobi
S5: Kat, Nicolas, Pete
Air Nomads
Element of freedom. Detached from worldly concerns, peaceful, free.
Benders
S1: Rohan, Tim
S2: Bobby, Priya, Rocco, Chelsea, Felix
S3: Yasmin, Iona
S4: Kelly, Will, Tiffany
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eggpunkhouses · 1 month
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the death of art the death of education the death of childhood the death of narrative the birth of christ as we believed he was a zombie and our father
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uwemagain · 2 years
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So you can go back to your brother. Get to open a bar. Just like you've always dreamed of.
Porsche's crushing realisation that the freedom he'd been handed so graciously has now been choked out between the very same fingers. Accidental as it was. Kinn saved his life and now? His life is Kinn's.
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daz4i · 1 year
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wait i forgot i made a list of what major arcana fits every bsd character and wrote a whole explanation for my choices for atsushi. might as well post it bc i don’t think i’d write for the others any time soon
The Fool, The Moon
ok i’m ngl the fool is mostly bc i felt obligated to bc it’s his card in all the official tarot art, and he’s the protag. i will say he does start a new journey so there’s that, but at the same time i don’t think he’s a blank slate enough to be a good ol fashioned fool, he’s got too much baggage. 
but this is where the moon comes in! honestly, imo it’s perfect for him. 
on the surface level: anxiety - he’s got plenty - illusions - my boy and his literal hallucinations - and intuition, which is how he releases the tiger at first before even realizing he’s under the effect of fukuzawa’s ability. reversed, it is about the release of fear, which i’d argue is in part what his arc is about, as well as repressed emotions which he has to learn to let out. 
going deeper: the moon is essentially about projecting your fear onto your present and future, letting it get the better of you, something we see happens to atsushi often. it can be about being controlled by your fear, many times based on the past, which i doubt i need to explain here considering how obvious atsushi’s ptsd is. the moon can be a sign of distrust in yourself and beating yourself up, things which atsushi certainly doesn’t lack. 
also in a literal sense his ability is literally called beast beneath the moonlight lmao 
……i guess if i have to give the fool more credit in this context i’d say it’s about recklessness and innocence as well. i don’t think atsushi in innocent, but compared to the rest of the cast (except maybe kenji) he’s certainly the most likely to fall for tricks and see the world as filled with more light than it actually is, possibly due to simply being younger and lacking the life experience to know better, which i’ll admit is fool-like. his recklessness is more about his lack of thinking during battles, which becomes more obvious especially while he’s fighting alongside or against akutagawa (👀). 
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p2ii · 8 months
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Experiencing catharsis through angst and hurt/comfort fanfic but as soon as I stop the horribleness™ comes back
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pirates-and-posies · 2 years
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Ask and you shall receive! Lemme explain some reasonings- also this is going to get long so I'll put it under a cut!
Thank you for the asks anon, @sisididis, and @helian-skies! 💙
For 🇵🇹:
He didn't get enough screen time and I am mad about it, same applies to many characters!! But him especially!! Give me MORE PORT!! I quite enjoy his design a lot because more characters need long hair.. but I also need Hima to draw him with his fucking hair down please it's all I ask!!! But also his design is weird (mostly in the anime) because they twinked him up. Hima make up ur mind you drew this man so fucking beefy put more meet on him!! I would marry him if he was real no balls (if he's human.. nationverse is complicated and I would be terrified of an immortal hottie ok)
For 🇪🇸:
He's so fucking stoopid I love him but also I legit don't know how to feel about him yk? Like,, I've been in this fandom for years and he's basically been my fave for so long, but at the end of the day I cannot describe him crystal clear. He's strange and I want more content from Hima of him, tho he has more content than some characters I still wish for more in-depth stuff! Mooore!! I'd marry him if I could but also nationverse strikes again.
For both:
They're extremely complex characters in my mind, not only just from what we know in canon but also from peer and personal interpretation! I think these two can easily be made morally grey, and that's extremely important when exploring their history. Like I don't think they're awful individuals, but fiction is an endless space and people tend to have their own fun. I make them assholes here and little shits there, but I don't think they're downright evil. Humans are complex, and Nationverse is the last situation I would consider them NOT be difficult to pin down. Antonio is mentioned to be two-faced, which is something I enjoy exploring a lot because there is no way with his history his happiness and obliviousness isn't some sort of coping mechanism he chooses to use rather than a natural thing. Also, my views on these two are not superior to anybody else's btw I just thought it would be funny to put that since I do deal with my own interp the most! Other people's interps are so fucking good okay (I am looking at you two!!)
But at the same time, I also hate the majority of fanon's interp over the years. Making Port some weirdo with a victim complex confuses me a lot looking at how absolutely stubborn this poor fucker is in my mind, but I do believe he would have depression issues and some form of imposter syndrome. But he's not weak and he doesn't see himself as a poor sod, he can acknowledge in some situations he's helpless and in others he can solve them. Older nations are stubborn and hate asking for help, I don't doubt he hates it lmao. But yeah kinda over the whole "poor Port" thing he can be a dick when the situation calls for it! This can apply to Antonio too, he's not a pathetic little shit either but they both have their moments obviously
And with Spain.. don't get me started on him. Please. I know his obliviousness is canon, but obliviousness doesn't equate to stupid and they make him so ignorant like there's just no way in hell. I know he may not read social situations well, but he sure as fuck knows how to read people (all except Port from what I'm seeing haha but that's a different situation). Spanish people are relatively blunt, but he wouldn't say something so awfully rude it would hurt somebody unless he intended it to lol. And he seems like the kind of person to be extremely smart with the things he enjoys! Canon kinda supports that as well, but it's a very recent development with the trivia thing being a new strip reveal but hshdjc you get my point hopefully!
Also the idea that they're related gets on my nerves sometimes because over 3/4ths of the people I've seen headcanon that get ignorant with it (as in, they culture blend and don't actually differentiate between Spanish and Portuguese people and are SUPER disrespectful! Also the name Carriedo doesn't exist in Portuguese at least be a little bit accurate if ur giving them the same names lol) Those who do it and aren't wild with it tho? I adore seeing all dynamics between the two. Go ham! Just be more kind and try not to make Spanish and Portuguese people out to be a monolith and also listen to them pls they would know a thing or two!!
On a more personal note, the they're literally me thing is a complete joke because I have hazel green eyes and brown hair lmfao. Depending on when I cut my hair I can make myself resemble them relatively easy with the exception of glasses because I'm blind as fuck hahaha. I also project onto them a lot because I project on all of my characters. I make them both Bi and mentally complex in some sort of way!! They're both impulsive and stubborn like me, and Antonio in my heart has ADHD to the max. Port has my weird affinity with the sea and the color blue while Antonio my obsession with fire and the color red. Just little things, they're obviously not me in the slightest but I give them elements of myself because I am controlling them in a fictional environment, and because it helps me cope knowing they can be liked and have similarities with me (I have,, unfortunate self esteem issues lmao) so yeah I just really adore them and I also replicate their characters as well. I will be honest in saying I project more on Antonio than Port tho hdhrjf- If I'm kind like Antonio and calm like Port, maybe I'll be liked more ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Just like them, I am a complex individual as well. We all are, humans are fucking nuts and it's fun to think about- also as you can see I'm mentally ill as fuck about them so not much explanation needed there LMAOO
Sorry for the long rant but I was really happy to have answered this!! Thank you for the asks dears 💙💙💙
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megarywrites · 2 years
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#in the tags because i don’t want to make a whole post but if you have thoughts feel free to reply#n e ways#the discourse going around rn about summaries and tropes is interesting and something i’ve thought a lot about#one thing i’m pretty adamantly against is the idea of my books being marketed as q***r rep (hate the q word just in general#but that’s beside the point rn lol)#like if all anyone could say about any of my books is ‘it’s a q***r friends to lovers romance with POC!!!’ like……#that genuinely says nothing#like?? i’m a lesbian ofc i’m gonna have gay characters? with gay romances??? and having a diverse cast is also a given???#why is it so hard to talk about the plot of the book?#i get that summaries are hard to write sometimes but skfjskfjd i'm not picking up a book based on vibes and tropes alone andnsk#like take Seafoam for instance#the aforementioned ’summary’ could technically apply to it#but like it doesn’t prepare you for the actual meat of the story#which is a discussion of familial bonds and trauma and female rage and grief and fighting back against ingrained societal misogyny#it would also apply to the next book on the docket; which leans more toward self-discovery and acceptance and becoming confident in#who you are and your general role in society (from four different povs)#there’s so much more to a book than the extreme watered down ‘this book has diversity isn’t that neat!!!’ angle that marketing is now#and if that’s all an author and their audience has to say about the book then……….yikes tbh
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//: Hmmm.....re-watching Princess Mononoke and working on Mar's weird Light abilities along side fleshing out the Hive Brood that make the area home and the *redacted* pulling the strings behind it all, I'm sort of leaning towards the wildlife of Lake Geneva and the surrounding forest/mountains that boarder it have been affected and 'evolved' by Mar's Light which has been amplified by *redacted*.
Like, giving them bio-luminescence, interesting benign abilities, long life, somewhat increased intelligence, larger size in some cases etc. Nothing super crazy or out there but things to add to the not only the Traveler's influnace on Guardian's but on the Earth itself - tbh I find it a little lacking in true Destiny Lore that the planet itself doesn't seem to have been touched by the light or the Traveler's shards. There's some but not a whole lot and I'd like to explore more of it :)
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inkskinned · 5 months
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it is the first snow today. i think we should all have off work, even though it didn't stick. i think there should be 4 national holidays, one for each season. happy first snow, go home and make cookies. for spring it can be the first crocus. for summer the first lightning bug. for autumn, the first golden leaf. go home, kiss your dog, feed your cat (who is absolutely already-fed but somehow still starving.)
i think we should all take more showers together, but i mean that in the soft way. i mean it like taking a nap. two years ago i had 5 adult friends in my queen bed, all of us laying across each other, head over belly over thigh over hand. any time one of us would giggle, it would ripple over each of us, like pulling on a spiderweb. kim actually needed to nap and didn't get to sleep and i am still sorry for it even though this is one of my most precious memories.
i think we should all wash each other's hair, i mean. i walk my dog and i watch someone put up twinkle lights around their front porch. alex and i just moved, and i love the neighborhood. already so many of our new neighbors have stopped by to say hello. the nice lady downstairs also collects plants, like me. she gave us her number on a pink post-it note. i am trying to decide whether to make her cookies or brownies.
i am going through a very hard time. something bad happened this weekend that i do not wish to discuss. it is hanging over me. i think of the green ribbon, and the woman who had her throat cut. it feels like that sometimes, inside of my body. like i am walking and talking despite being half-corpsed. like i am hanging on by a ribbon, standing on some kind of cusp. i keep saying - at least it wasn't worse. we are so lucky it wasn't worse. the idea is river-rock smooth now, all the edges worried off.
in this very dark night - the sun sets by 3 now - people don't need to, but they try anyway. they paint the missing light into things. i have an embarrassing number of missed calls and texts, but i feel the love from them nevertheless - hey. if you need something, i'm here. i will bring you food/puzzles/anything. i got you.
i think we should all have a big group chat where we do errands with strangers. this week i got lost in a home depot, which is wild because i'm a lesbian and we are actually hatched in a lowe's lumber section. there were two other women in the whole store. we ended up shopping together, at first by accident (we all needed things in the same aisle), and then because, well, why not. one of the ladies was taller than me, so she pulled down the screws i needed. i am agile and have the personality of a raccoon, so they sent me after anything below 3 feet. we talked about holiday plans and never learned each other's names, but did learn all the drama about each other's families.
i am making you cupcakes, because i have so much affection i want to pour it into batter. you ask me if i am eating enough per meal. i wrap your gift twice, trying to do it prettily. i get excited to give it to you, just because i hope you'll be excited too.
my parents drive an hour just to see the new apartment and to do the parent thing; standing in the kitchen saying things like "oh you'll get so much use from this dishwasher" and "well, you could paint that" and "when your mother and i moved it was uphill both ways and in a snowstorm and of course your brother was an infant." my mother brought me a plant for housewarming. i always say i love you before she leaves.
i play dnd on tuesdays still, after all these years. we all keep that night free. at one point, between grad school and marriage and all of it, we had to have a serious discussion about how to keep it running. we will keep going, we decided eventually. just to see each other, even if we don't play - you are all important to me. sebastian is not prone to affection but last night he stole my usual sign off - i love you all, be good, he said. he was laughing.
i don't love the winter, actually. i like snow in theory, but i grew up in the north, and am too-familiar with the season of "mud and sludge". i don't like being cold. but i do love something kind of soft and rare: every year around this time, people remember oh yes. you and i are human together. and i have love to spare.
it is the first snow, and something in my heart is finally warm again. i have spent what felt like the last 18 months just going-through-the-motions. it has felt blank and immediate, like i would never actually feel again. that sounds extremely trite and stupid - but that is the boring and familiar experience of depression. life just washes up against your windows, and you watch it happening. you see things that should be lovely and affecting, and it just whispers too-thin. i was desperately uncreative. uninterested in my hobbies. unimpressed by my writing. i told my therapist, often, i don't know how to find hope again.
almost sheepishly, something strange and lovely is burning in my chest. i keep not-looking at it, worried it will scamper back into the shadows again. it is skittish and wild, but it is so warm i want to sink my hands into its fur and feel it breathing. i love-hate it: if it's real, it can hurt me when it leaves again. but i am icarus-born, sun-lover and poet: i can't help myself. despite my best intentions, i am falling in love with life again.
i am planning to make cookies for my friends. alex and i are going to go christmas tree shopping. we picked out matching dish towels last night, and they have little mushrooms on them.
i love you. it does come back. yes, even after a long time. even for you. i promise. keep trying. you will wake up and it will be a day you can smile about.
write me when you get there. we will take the day off of work, and i will wash your hair, and we will both be laughing.
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gummify · 1 year
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i can think of so many ways that i could make holidays more tolerable for my autism if i could plan them all out myself but im not at a point in my life where that's feasible without feeling like a selfish asshole. so. i glue the mask to my face and i endure the sensory nightmares like i always have.
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