#don't think there will be anyone in the playlist anymore by that point so I'm not sure why even bother with that alone
Note
rip gambit you will be missed 😔
Don't even know what to say tbh.
For those that don't know, the big State of the Game article came out detailing incoming changes and adjustments and all the big stuff. Gambit was mentioned! But at what cost. Basically, they are ceasing any kind of support for Gambit. What we have now is what it is. We will get the Dreaming City map back in TFS and they will add Shadow Legion and Lucent Hive as enemy factions in TFS. That's all.
Full text:
As many of you have noticed, we’ve been quiet on Gambit since last year’s overhaul that launched alongside The Witch Queen. In that revamp, the team made significant changes across five categories in Gambit: core activity fundamentals, Primeval tuning, invasions, ammo economy, and rewards. Unfortunately, these updates didn’t move the needle for player engagement. Although we know our Gambit fans mostly care about new or returning maps, this is an area of the game with lower engagement that would take resources away from more popular parts of the game to shore up.
While we don’t have plans to dedicate more resources to significantly transform Gambit, we do have a few updates planned for the year of The Final Shape. These include porting the Cathedral of Scars map and its beautiful Dreaming City setting into the latest version of Destiny 2, as well as adding the Shadow Legion and Lucent Hive enemy types.
I don't know how to tell you this Bungie, but the reason "engagement is low" in Gambit is because Gambit sucks. Ever since half of it was removed with DCV, it just sucked. It has no variety, the gameplay is largely busted, it's not sufficiently updated, ammo changes suck, invasion cycle sucks (why is the enemy even getting a portal when their Primeval is at 5% health and the other team is still in mote collecting phase is beyond me), there are no cool armour sets to chase (just look at Iron Banner and Trials stuff, imagine dedicated cosmetics) and finally there are simply no weapons that are worth anything. Both Vanguard and Crucible have more weapons and also adept versions. There is zero reason to go into Gambit without major changes to Gambit. And now with the further changes to how playlists and challenges will work, there will be even less reason to go into Gambit. Observe:
Before then, we’re making Gambit entirely optional to maximize your rewards unless you’re looking for a piece of gear that’s specific to the mode. Gambit will continue to serve as a source of Exotic engrams via weekly challenges, though as we mentioned above, you’ll be able to complete all your weekly challenges in any ritual you’d like starting in Season 22. If you want to stick to Vanguard or Crucible challenges without touching Gambit, now you can.
We’re also reducing the number of Gambit-specific Seasonal Challenges starting in Season 22, so players won’t need to bank motes to be able to earn that big purse of Bright Dust for completing nearly every challenge in the Season. Finally, we’re adding Fireteam Matchmaking to Gambit next Season, which will replace the Freelance node and should result in faster, better matchmaking by combining both Gambit playlists. We’ll keep an eye on reception and player engagement after these additions take place, and we hope you’ll visit ‘ol Drifter next Season to get your hands on his new Void Machine Gun.
Ngl, but I don't think anyone besides like a total of 6 people will play Gambit next season. The incentive to go in there is completely removed. You won't even have to go in there for pinnacles or for challenges. The Void Machine Gun will not be enough of an incentive because the chance of that gun being better than two recently available craftable Void Machine Guns (Commemoration and Retrofit Escapade) is very low. And besides, once you get it at the end of your first match, you can leave Gambit forever.
This is the feedback loop that just reinforces the idea that people don't like Gambit. And I mean. Who would at this point. I'm pretty sure that if Crucible had stayed the same as it was at the start of Beyond Light, engagement would be low there too. But you know. Crucible has received major updates pretty much every season since with multiple new modes, several Trials overhauls, Iron Banner overhaul, competitive overhaul, new armours and weapons added and YES, even new maps. God forbid even 5% of these resources went into Gambit.
Anyway, this is the whole section about Gambit in 6500 words. It's basically a "you guys aren't playing this so we're doing the bare minimum of keeping it in the game as is, no new work will be done on it ever." Thanks I guess.
And for the record, something I also added while having a rant in my discord, I want to make it clear that I don't want anyone to spiral into a Bungie hate train. Even for this. I understand perfectly well what's the community attitude towards Gambit and what it's been for years now. People just don't like it and they're not incentivised to like it and they're actively encouraged to hate it. Spending resources into a game mode on the hope that maybe you can change people's minds would be insanity. Like, the amount of change Gambit would need to MAYBE start appealing to gamers would be beyond any reasonable time and resources Bungie can put in. And if you could guarantee that people would love and play Gambit then, fine. But you can't. Most likely, even if major changes happened, people would still just do their weekly stuff and bail. It's simply not worth it. In order for people to like it, it needs to be completely and thoroughly overhauled in a way that would need more time and effort than the entire Light subclass overhaul and it's just not a reasonable expectation, nor is it guaranteed to work. So I get it.
I'm still disappointed and annoyed about it because I believe it wasn't given a fair chance at all. I also know how good it can be and how Gambit Prime could've been improved upon over the years if they tried. Instead, it got removed and that was honestly the death sentence for Gambit. It's unfortunate. It's my favourite game mode that could've been so much better was it given even a fraction of attention of Crucible.
I'll still be playing it. You will find me in the Gambit queue waiting for 2 hours to find 7 other lunatics to play with, don't worry about it. But I'm absolutely incredibly sad about them being basically forced to axe the potential of the whole game mode that is incredibly creative and fits with the type of game Destiny is perfectly.
There's other interesting stuff in the article and some upcoming really cool improvements and changes to the game. But if you're a fan of Gambit in any capacity, this is a death certificate for the mode. I suggest coming to terms with it quickly because Bungie changing their minds about this is highly unlikely.
#destiny 2#gambit#ask#long post#says 'don't know what to say' at the start. writes an essay. FHKSJHFKJS#i won't go too much into it outside of this. we all know what this means no need to beat the dead horse#i'll still play it and the mode is still there but i expect a drop in quality and population significantly#the issues we have will never be addressed nothing will ever be fixed. we'll get a 5th map (returning) in 6 months and that's it#yay. I guess.#don't think there will be anyone in the playlist anymore by that point so I'm not sure why even bother with that alone#but still. if that does happen at least new people will be able to see that map now. it was very pretty#unfortunately not good gameplay wise. but at least it will help to not get deep six 17 times in a row#anyway. sad situation for gambit enjoyers. please don't turn into crucible bros to harass devs though
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cold nights // part six
summary: all the stars aligned, and it was you.
pairing: coriolanus snow x fem!reader
wc: 2.7k
masterlists / nav / requests
tags/warnings: tribute!reader and mentor!coriolanus, r is very sweet (too kind for this world. literally.), sunshine x grumpy trope kinda, he falls first, violence typical for the source material, r is very smart (as she should), district twelve!reader.
a/n: i just finished writing s1, and we're halfway through! so in case anyone was wondering, s1 will have 12 parts :) i haven't started s2 yet but i am so excited to!!
series masterlist // playlist
Days passed, no sign of Coryo. The only reason you know he isn't dead is because Sejanus came and told you he would be alright. That didn't do much to quell your worries.
Selfishly, you were scared you wouldn't get to see him again. You knew you wouldn't, actually. Now you were truly alone. Just you and his blanket, the book he gave you, and the dress your mother made. And Sejanus Plinth, you supposed. None of the surviving tributes would even talk to you- not that you really felt like talking. Just reading. You've read and re-read Romeo and Juliet no less than three times since Coriolanus passed the book through the bars to you the night before you went into the arena.
"I know you asked for this, and it's a little early, but happy birthday." Coryo whispers, smiling as the dark of night encases the two of you into your own little world.
He hands you a small box, wrapped in parcel paper and complete with a ribbon made of some kind of knitting thread. You grin, taking it from his hand and carefully untying the bow, delicately pulling the paper apart where it's taped together so as not to rip it. A copy of Romeo and Juliet. Old, tattered, falling apart; well-loved.
"Oh, Coryo, you didn't have to give me anything. That's too sweet." You grin, immediately flipping through the pages despite the dark preventing you from seeing a single word. "Thank you."
"Of course." He says, watching only you as your eyes flick over the pages. What little light falls from the moon is reflected in your eyes, and he wouldn't dare look away.
"My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite." You say softly, and at first, he thinks you're talking to yourself until you look up at him. A small, almost shy smile fit perfectly onto your lips.
"You like it?" He asks, the answer obvious even to him.
"I love it."
You were his tribute. Not a friend, certainly not more, but as he reaches through the bars to let his fingers brush over your cheek all rational thought means nothing. He doesn't realize he's staring at your lips until you comment on it.
"Is this why you asked if I have a boyfriend?" You whisper, your natural smile returns, and he's quickly looking anywhere else. Your eyes, your hair, the spot where his fingertips meet your cheekbone just below your hairline. Anywhere else. "Because I know it wasn't on that list of questions."
He's quickly backtracking, dropping his hand. This was wrong and he knew it. "I, uh, Tigris made you some cake. It's not good, but it's the best we could do." He says, redirecting his attention to his bag as he pulls out the small paper bag.
You sit back, blushing furiously. "I'm sure it's delicious." You smile, and it comes across more nervously than you intended.
"Here." He hands it to you, and you gently place the book next to you on the ground so you don't get any crumbs on it. "I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow."
And just like that, he's gone.
You're grateful when you see Sejanus coming back with his bag of food and water. It had become some form of a routine, at this point. The citizens of the Capitol weren't allowed to bring you food anymore, he was the only one who did for you now that Coryo was gone, and now that his tribute had escaped as well.
"Sejanus." You smile, standing up as he gets closer.
"Y/N. Holding up okay?" He asks, a sad look behind his tired eyes. He looked almost as tired as you, you were sure, but you hadn't seen a mirror since you left your house before the reaping.
You sigh. "I'm holding up." You answer simply. Sejanus is the only person you feel comfortable being totally honest with, but at the same time, you don't want to because you know he already feels bad for what you're going through. He's the only one outside this cage who kind of understands. "How about you?"
"I'm alright." He shrugs, reaching into his bag and pulling out a sandwich for you. You could never get sick of these. "I also have salt, if it needs more of that." He hands you a small bag of table salt alongside it.
"Thank you." You grin, tucking the bag into your pocket incase you needed it. "Any news about Coryo?" You ask hopefully, taking a bite. You already feel your starvation-induced nausea fading away.
"Not really. He's recovering, though." Sejanus answers. "Are you ready for the interview tonight?"
"As ready as I'll ever be." You grin. "I was right, I didn't need the book. I already had the whole thing memorized, but it's been so lovely to get to read it again."
"It must be." He nods. "Gives you something to do."
You hum in agreement, looking around at the other tributes. No one is even moving much anymore. "Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
You look down at your sandwich while you think about how you want to word this. "Is Coryo..." No, that's not it. "I got the feeling that he actually cared for me. Is that true?"
"Coryo has never been one to tell anyone what he's thinking." Sejanus says, entirely unhelpfully. That's not his fault, though. "But if I had to guess, I would say yes."
"I'm just wondering because it's nice to have friends now. Here. At the end." You smile sadly before taking another bite. "And I was worried I had upset him."
"You? No." Sejanus shakes his head. "I don't think you could if you tried."
"Why's that?"
"Well... It's hard to explain. He's always been super focused on school, on the prize, but now, when it matters most, I feel like he's more focused on you and making sure you actually win." He tells you. "But, like I said, he wouldn't talk about it even if I asked him outright."
You nod. "Thank you, Sejanus. For always being honest with me."
"Of course. It's the very least I can do, all things considered."
"Can I ask you for one more favour?" You ask hopefully. "If not I understand, you must be quite busy."
"I have the rest of my life to be busy." He shakes his head. "What do you need?"
"Will you tell Coryo thank you, for me?"
"Yes. Of course." He agrees without hesitation.
"And do you have a pencil and paper?"
Sejanus headed home for a while and then back to the hospital after his visit with you, armed with your note in his pocket to pass on to Coryo. He was hoping he would be awake right now, he had been so on and off the last few days. More grumpy than normal, and Sejanus could tell it was driving him up the wall that he couldn't go see you. But the interviews had already started, so he would get to see you soon- even if it's just through the screen.
"Tigris." He whispers, pulling back the curtain as he sees the familiar girl sitting at his friend's side. She hadn't left her cousin most of the time he'd been bedridden, she was there every time Sejanus checked in.
"Oh, hello." She whispers, smiling at him. "He's still resting, but he's feeling a bit better today I think."
"That's good. I'm glad to hear it." Sejanus agrees, taking the seat next to her. "I went to see Y/N. She's eaten. She doesn't look good, though."
Tigris nods, returning her gaze to her sleeping cousin and pushing his hair away from his eyes. It's not like he needs to see, but she would do it anyway. Just to make sure he wouldn't be annoyed when he woke up. "He's been worrying about her. I can tell."
"She asked me if she did something to upset him. Has he said anything to you?"
"No, nothing." She shakes her head, lip jutting out at the confusing statement. Nothing at all would indicate to her that he was upset with you, but it's entirely possible that stuck in that cage day in and day out you could quickly become paranoid about who you could trust.
"Okay, good. That's what I told her anyway." He tries to be quiet as he speaks, but the whispering wakes his friend anyway.
Coryo's eyes fly open and he gasps, eyes landing on the two of them sitting in front of him.
"Coryo," Tigris says softly, a small, worried smile on her face.
"Y/N?" He asks, his voice husky from sleep. "Is she-"
"She's alive," Tigris promises, gently rubbing his arm, landing her hand on his and squeezing it gently.
"Is she hurt?"
"Not badly." Sejanus shakes his head. "A few decent cuts and bruises, but she'll be okay. I brought her some antibiotics the other day so nothing will get infected." You won't be okay, they both know that, but you certainly wouldn't be dying from the minor injuries you sustained in the rebel bombing.
He nods, slightly, trying to sit up. "How long was I sleeping? What did I miss?"
"Another tribute died from injuries," Sejanus replies. "Everyone is still scared. No one will go see them anymore, I haven't seen any of the other mentors there either. But I've been feeding her. She's okay."
Coryo nods, wincing at the pain in his back as he moves. The burn was bad, but apparently, it was healing well.
"Marcus is still missing. I haven't heard anything about him. They're hunting him but I still think he has a better chance out there than he would tomorrow."
"Tomorrow?" Coryo asks, rubbing his head with his free hand, Tigris still holding his other one. "They're still going ahead with the games?"
Sejanus just slightly shakes his head, looking away. Coryo knows that that is a yes.
"Oh no... Y/N.... She could've run," He mumbles. "But she saved me."
"I tried to convince her to. I did." Sejanus reminds him. "She wouldn't budge."
All heads turn as Lucky's voice on the TV catches their attention. "And now, our final tribute. I first met this young lady in the zoo not too long ago. From District Twelve, Y/N Y/L/N. Come on out here!"
Lucretius motions for you to step out onto the stage and you do, gently placing the book and the blanket you had brought with you on the floor in a neat pile before joining him.
"Lucretius." You smile. "It's good to see you." You're nervous in front of so many people, the audience in front of you is much larger than the small one you spoke in front of at the reaping, and being in front of a camera without Coryo by your side made you antsy.
"You as well, Darling. Now, I was told you had something you wanted to do for us so I'll just leave you to that. Charm us! Remember, the world is watching." He smiles, gently patting your shoulder before walking just out of view of the cameras. His statement was far from reassuring.
"Uhm..." You stare out at the audience, and suddenly you're scared you've forgotten the entire thing. You had to do well. For Coryo and his prize. He needed this. "I've become aware that not many people know this play." You chuckle, trying to hide your nervousness behind it. "But Romeo and Juliet has always held a special place in my heart and I want to share that with the world, before I go."
You take a deep breath, closing your eyes. You wonder if Coryo is watching. He's not here, you're sure of that, but you do hope he gets to see. And he does.
He stands up as soon as your face first appears on the screen, declining help from both Tigris and Sejanus as he limps over to the TV, cranking up the volume. Your fate depends on this, he knows it, but he can't look past the blue tint under your eyes and the bruises that litter almost every part of your exposed skin. The cuts are what get him the most. Your knuckles are cleaned up, mostly, but red and irritated as you twist your hands together nervously in front of you. Same with the crude black stitches on your upper arm. Irritated, neglected by professionals, but at least it wasn't serious.
"Come on... You can do it." He mumbles mostly to himself, and Tigris reaches up to place a reassuring hand on his shoulder as the three of them watch.
"O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Immediately, he is confused. He expected to be, of course, but he could also tell as soon as you started reciting it, after the first line, your confidence was coming back to you. This play was your safe space.
"Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love; and I'll no longer be a Capulet." You look out at the silent audience as you speak, a smile forming on your lips. They're listening. "'Tis but thy name that is my enemy: Thou art thyself, though not a Montague."
Coryo is wishing you had explained more to him about what this play is about. "What's Montague? It is nor hand nor foot, nor arm nor face nor any other part belonging to a man. Oh, be some other name." He should have asked. Why didn't he ask? You told him yourself that you could talk about it for hours. Why didn't he take advantage of that when he had the chance?
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet; so Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title." A rose. Of course a rose, was this for him? He longed to understand it better as he watched the donations tracker tick up and up toward the thousands.
"Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name, which is no part of thee," You take a deep breath for the first time since you started speaking. "Take all myself."
It was a beat or two before the audience clued in that you were done, and then the cheers started. A standing ovation, people wiping their eyes and clapping for you like you had changed their lives.
"Wow! Now wasn't that something, everyone!" Lucky laughs, coming back into the frame of Coryo's view from the camera. Tigris was in tears. The continual uptick of the donations counter was reassuring to him. As you smiled, cheeks flushing red. "The donations are just flooding in with a record high! That must feel good."
"Thank you, it does." You nod at Lucky, trying to place all your focus on him so you don't get too embarrassed in front of the crowd. At least you knew Coryo would be pleased. If you understood his prize situation as well as you thought you did, this was very good for him. "I just want to make my family and my mentor proud."
"You have a real talent. It's such a shame." The host says to you and you laugh awkwardly.
"Well, everyone loves something. I just loved books."
You continually referring to yourself in the past tense makes Coryo want to puke, looking away from the screen only briefly to take in the other nurses and patients watching too.
"We have just a few moments left, but I need to know, what is that about?"
"Oh! Well, Romeo and Juliet is a tragedy." You explain, back to yourself again. "It's about two star-crossed lovers from feuding families. So, what Juliet was talking about, to put it very simply because I could go on and on about this, was that she loved Romeo for who he was- not just his name or his family. It didn't matter to her that they came from different places. She loves him anyway, and if he couldn't let go of his family, she would give up her own life for him."
Coryo's eyes widen. So it was about him. He can't help the tug on his lips that threatens to form a smile.
"Alrighty then, that's very sweet." Lucky replies. "Now, you said it's a tragedy. What is so tragic about a love story?"
"Well," You chuckle nervously. "They both die at the end."
taglist: @soulessjourney, @keziahcore, @that-veela-girl, @motorsport, @dreamyysouls, @rockstarbfs, @Lanadelrey3, @rawrmameh, @3zae-zae3, @babyspice6, @pastel0rchid, @maysileeewrites, @articxari, @Urfavpouge, @Multivitaminfy, @baybieruth, @kitscutie, @annaelise, @serrendiipty, @fratboyharrysgf0201, @totallynotkaibiased, @stelleduarte, @klplynn, @secretsicanthideanymore, @bejeweledreverie, @fals3-g0d, @drewsandsebastianswife, @niicole-87, @queenofshinigamis, @innercreationflower, @nallasstuff, @spring-goddess1, @baybieruth, @lovelyxtom, @throughgoeshxmilton, @enwonie, @scorpiolystoned, @iovemoonyy, @kodzuvk, @soupasoup, @eedwardss, @thatmarvelchick19, @wearemadeofstardust0, @regulusblackcore, @kbakery , @qardasngan, @omgsuperstarg, @kuroosbby001, @puredreamagination, @fantasticchaosthing, @coolcatyarb, @yokolesbianism, @becauseseaotters, @KimmiB13
if your user has a strikethrough i wasn't able to tag you! i'm so sorry!
#tbosas#tbosas fic#hunger games#coriolanus snow#tbosas x reader#the ballad of songbirds and snakes#the hunger games#thg#thg fanfiction#thg series#thg movies#coriolanus snow x reader#coriolanus x reader#coriolanus x you#coriolanus fanfiction#coryo x reader#coryo snow#snow lands on top
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crescendo — chwe hansol | 1,042 words | fluff
boinon! chwe! hansol! back on my marriage agenda because it's ME. song taken from vernon's playlist from weverse magazine. also i'm a firm believer that vernon is the kind of guy who looks at two of anything and just goes "us." please enjoy me simping for him.
gender neutral reader. warnings: none.
you notice vernon's not sleeping anymore.
he's looking up at you from where his head is resting on your chest. he always does this thing where his gaze is focused on you till you acknowledge it, whether it's by asking him what's up, or blushing at how intense it is.
this time, though, you don't do anything to shake the moment. so it's just you looking down into his eyes that are looking back at you, and it's not the first time you've paused to admire his eyes.
before vernon, you didn't really understand how you could be lost in someone's eyes. but his eyes? hazel brown, shining when they catch the light just right, a hundred thoughts running through them. streaks of light you wish you could decode.
there's a soft love song playing in your ears while your hands rest on his chest, tracing the shapes of the stars on his shirt. he manages to look good even when he's upside down, somehow.
soft. vernon would shake his head if you said that to him out loud, but he wouldn't deny it. not anymore. he likes when you call him nicknames. he likes when you call him, even. content to listen to your self-professed rambling about whatever's on your mind.
just like you're content to listen to him ask you ridiculous questions out of the blue. ridiculous to anyone who doesn't know him.
"do you believe we're made of the same stuff stars are made of?"
you'd blinked out of the show you'd been watching. "i...yeah? technically? hydrogen and all."
"does that mean we found each other all those years ago? and not just now?"
vernon has a way with words, really. he doesn't downplay it, but that's because you don't let him know how much it affects you in the first place. you could be talking about two seeds in a segment of tangerine and he'd say it was the both of you. two moths flying around a lamp? you.
and then there's times you think his humour couldn't get any worse.
"hey, you dropped something."
you'd looked around to find nothing out of place. "what?"
"my jaw."
suffice to say, vernon didn't get a single kiss from you for the next few hours.
(of course, you'd had to make it up to him with a ton of kisses and cuddles later on.)
right now, he's still looking at you, and the song has changed. you don't know the name of it, having picked it from the playlist vernon made for you, that he keeps adding to.
i hope you like this, he'd said shyly, when he'd sent you the link to it.
it's not surprising that you've liked almost every song you've heard so far. of course, there's a few that don't match your vibe, but when you close your eyes and think of vernon enjoying the song, lost in his own world, it makes you like them a little more.
back to the present. your fingers are tapping along to the rhythm of the song, something about love and self-doubt, upbeat yet heart-wrenching with a guitar riff that's so painfully vernon that you have to lean down and kiss his head.
vernon grabs your fingers where they're dancing on his chest and presses a kiss to your thumb. then your index finger. then the rest of your fingers. and then your palm.
you stop the song, amused at how affectionate he's being.
"what's up?" you ask, taking off your earphones.
he shakes his head. you push at his shoulder lightly.
"keep listening to your song."
you frown. "am i ignoring you?"
vernon sighs. "not at all. it's just...you'll stop doing it if i point it out."
"stop doing what?"
he takes your hand and places it on his chest, trapping it in place with his own. "you do this...thing. you tap out a song on me when we're not listening to it together. and then i try to guess what you're listening to. and i almost always get it wrong. it's...silly."
your heart feels too big for your chest. "vern? have i ever told you how much i love you?"
he shuts his eyes, a smile on his face. "yeah. 'course you have. love you, too."
squeezing his hand that's holding yours, you resume playing the song. he lets go of your hand so you can continue tapping out the beats.
"can you guess what it was?" you ask, once the song ends.
"hm. kinda fast paced, and there's only a few of those on there. breaking the law?"
"nope."
"rock with you?"
you shake your head. "did you really add one of your own songs on there?"
"hey, we make good music, too."
"never denied that."
vernon shrugs. "i don't know."
"marry me."
vernon freezes noticeably under your hand, before pushing it away and sitting up, staring at you.
it's just you and him and the silence in the room. his eyes have you trapped in place, unable to look elsewhere.
"by ellegarden!" you blurt out, suddenly realizing how your words could be misconstrued. "it's..." you scroll through the playlist. "the first song you ever put in there."
"oh," is all he says, but he's blushing. he's blushing. you made your famously stoic boyfriend blush.
"vernon? did you think i..."
"...maybe?"
you let out a small laugh at that. "do you really think...have you ever thought about getting...y'know?
"married?" he asks, smirking. "you shouldn't ask me about it if you're so shy."
"i didn't—!" it's a losing battle. of course you've thought about it, and of course you're shy about it. spending the rest of your life with the person who means the most to you sounds like a dream, and you're living in it right now. halfway there.
"if it's any consolation," vernon says, slotting his fingers with yours, "i've thought about it."
"and?"
"i like it."
it's nearing six in the evening. vernon has his head on your chest again, listening to a song with you this time. you're going to have to listen to it again, the way your brain is clouded by thoughts of him and you.
it can't get better than this.
taglist: @bookyeom @wootify @strnsvt @cloudycaramel @thepoopdokyeomtouched @minnieminshi
#guys guys guys. vernon.#[static in my head for the foreseeable future]#chwe hansol#chwe hansol fluff#hansol#hansol fluff#vernon#fluff#vernon fluff#seventeen#seventeen fluff#svt#svt fluff#waldau writes
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my heart bel♡ngs to daddy [series]
[young sugar daddy jake x fem.reader au]
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[click here for this series's masterlist, general warnings, and playlist]
[‼️chapter warnings‼️: smut [mdni], daddy kink, usage of the nickname whore & slut, reader goes to a sex club, sex with a stranger, unprotected sex, protected sex, lovemaking, oral, fingering, handjob, angst, alcohol (getting drunk), low self-esteem, light mentions of an emotionally abusive family, lots of plot]
previous chapters:
chapter 1
chapter 2
chapter 3
chapter 4
*i apologize for any grammar errors
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chapter 5: distraction from the distraction
you were flopped down on your couch with the feeling of utter defeat when you heard a certain knock at your door; that knock being you and yeji's code-knock that you two made a long time ago for shits and giggles. you roll off the couch and go answer the door and yeji immediately butts into your house and puts the bags of snacks and alcohol on the counter next to perry's fishbowl.
"okay, now spill how your little date with jake went," yeji said, leaning against the counter and narrowing her eyes at you dramatically as you shoved snacks into your mouth, chewing and swallowing before you began to talk. "okay, i'll tell you... once i get a little bit of alcohol in my system," you sighed as you grabbed various cups and shot glasses out of your cupboard to fill with drinks that'll hopefully make you forget about how much of an idiot you are. you and yeji poured out a few drinks and you downed a few shots before talking.
"for the past however long jake has been in my life, time has flown by so fast to the point where i don't even feel like life is real. it's not that i don't like it, it's just that i've been prioritizing him over everything subconsciously. it's dumb and i shouldn't do it, but i feel like i can't stop myself. i'm always thinking of what i'm gonna do next time i see him instead of thinking about my priorities. shit, i almost completely forgot about that huge assignment that's worth 45% of our final semester grade, and you know i never forget about important stuff like that. i don't work long shifts at the bar as often anymore because i can't seem to stay there long enough without ditching to hang out with jake. i barely focus at school anymore and if i don't graduate because of this shit, you know what'll happen if my family finds out; you know that they'll trash me as if they paid for me to go to school. all the money i've saved up from working at the bar is wearing thin because i'm not there enough to keep earning my own money. i don't want to be 'reliant' on jake because if anyone in my family hears about it, they'll call me a gold digger and a whore; you and i both know that they'll do and/or say anything to put me down. i need to get my shit together, i need to stop this shit, i need to go back to my normal life," you said between tears and swigs of alcohol as yeji rubbed your back and tried her best to dry your river of tears that made your eye makeup run down your face, but you weren't done just yet.
"a-and it looks so fucking wrong from an outside perspective; a low class girl walking around with a rich guy, but it feels so blissful. he makes me feel so good, so why i feel so... guilty? he deserves so much better than a girl like me, but he treats me as if i'm everything to him. i want to leave him because i know that he's probably just lonely and doesn't truly want me, but i can't bring myself to ditch him like that; he makes me feel like i'm worth something after almost a whole life of feeling useless and worthless to myself and my family. am i using him? using him to make myself feel good, or do i actually- no- there's no way. i'm not even gonna say that word," you kept spilling your emotions to yeji even though you were already beginning to slur your words.
"i literally fucked him three times today alone-" "three?!" yeji cut you off in disbelief after staying silent the whole conversation. "yes, three whole times, and it felt so fucking good and intimate every time as if we have some kind of connection. fuck, i fucking hate this. i need to focus on something that isn't him; i need a distraction from my distraction," you rambled on and on while taking even more sips of alcohol, "yeji, i don't want to care about him the way that do. i don't want to be crushed and destroyed when he inevitably leaves me for someone better."
"y/n, don't say stuff like that. i know that you think that you aren't worthy enough, but i'm here to tell you that you're completely wrong; you're more than worthy of a fulfilling life whether it's with jake or without him. don't listen to those fuckwads of parents and siblings because they're fucking wrong. i know you, and i know that you're going to push through this situation, again, with jake or without him," yeji said reassuringly after taking a small sip of her less strong drink, "and for the record, i think that he feels the same way." she let out a small chuckle at her last statement.
just hearing yeji's reassuring words made you feel ten times better. "i'm sorry for just dumping all of this on you. you're the most amazing best friend a bitch like me could've ever asked for," you laughed through slurred words as you squeezed her tightly in your arms. "eww, don't be cheesy," yeji teased as she squeezed you back, "now, let's think of some distractions since that's what you want to do."
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not long after yeji's proposal to think of distractions you two, ironically, got distracted and started watching a movie which resulted in yeji falling asleep on the couch.
after the movie ended, you stumbled into your room and onto your bed only to hear your phone buzz which was odd considering how late it was. you reached over to grab your phone, and to your surprise, it was jake. speak of the devil. without a second thought, you opened up his messages.
'how counterproductive of you, y/n,' you thought to yourself with a sigh as you buried your face into your pillow that still had the lingering scent of jake's cologne. he was irresistible even when he wasn't around.
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you woke up with a pounding headache to the feeling of yeji gently shaking your shoulder as light beamed through the parts of the window that weren't draped in your blackout curtains.
"y/n," yeji said, dragging out the last syllable of your name, "you gotta wake up before your hangover gets worse. i'll make you tea and something to eat, and good god you need to go grocery shopping because your pantry and fridge are almost empty." you groaned and tossed in your bed, your body sore most likely from the three rounds of sex and your hangover on top of that. "give me a few minutes," you groaned, "ugh, i feel like puking my guts out." yeji chuckled and nudged your shoulder again. "that's because you got shitfaced last night. now, get out of bed and at least lay on the couch," she said as she tugged on your arm to sit you up even though you wanted to just flop back onto the mattress.
after yeji walked back into the kitchen area, you pushed yourself out of your bed and stumbled into the bathroom, your headache pounding to a point where you had to hold onto the counter for support while you brushed your teeth and washed your face. a sudden wave of nausea hit you, so you decided to sit on the bathroom floor with your head resting against the wall.
"yeji," you called out from the bathroom, "i feel disgusting." you heard her let out a snicker from the kitchen. "that's because you drank yourself stupid last night, y/n," yeji said sarcastically, "here, i'll come help you get up." once again, another moment where you realized that you have the most amazing best friend as she practically dragged you onto one of your dining chairs.
"here, eat. i gotta go soon, and i wanna make sure that you at least eat something before i go," she said as she pushed a bowl of ramyeon in your direction. you slowly began eating as yeji collected her things to get ready to head home.
"i'm gonna lay down," you said weakly as you left the bowl, still more than halfway full of ramyeon, on the table, "i'll be on the couch if you need me." yeji laughed as she picked up her backpack and swung it over her shoulder, looking back at you slumped over on the couch.
"hey," she said in a more serious tone, "sober up quickly. we have class and work tomorrow, so you gotta be able to focus." you were startled when she followed her sentence with a surprised yelp as she opened the front door to see someone with their hand out, about to knock on the now opened door. you let out a tired "huh?" as you felt the cold air coming into the house.
"hi... jake," yeji said awkwardly as the two stood on opposite sides of the doorway, "what brings you here so early?" she asked with genuine curiosity, your ears perking up immediately upon hearing his name.
"o-oh, i just wanted to come check on her because i hadn't heard from her since last night. i also have an odd suspicion that something's... wrong." he was right, there was something wrong. yeji sucked in a breath as she twisted her head slightly in your direction. "well..." she said with a light chuckled as she fully turned her head, jake peering into the house to see you flopped on the couch with a blanket barely covering your dead-looking body. once she noticed how alarmed he was, yeji opened the door wider to let him in.
"hey, baby, what's wrong? are you okay? are you sick?" jake asked in a concerned tone, letting more questions roll out of his mouth as he felt your forehead to check for a fever as if you were actually sick.
'baby,' you repeated in your head. your heart heated up at hearing his voice say that word to you. that wasn't the point, but you still managed to feel all warm and fuzzy at the nickname.
"she's fine, don't worry," yeji assured him, "she just has a bit of a hangover." she chucked nervously as jake rested his chin on the part of the sofa where your head was, observing your face as he sat on the cold floor. you wanted so badly to kiss him because of how close in proximity your face was to his, but you had to tell yourself no for the sake of trying to quit being emotionally attached to him.
"do you mind watching over her for a little while? i hate to ask such a favor from you but-"
"i'll do it. i'll stay by her side all day if i have to."
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you woke up on the couch to the sound of dishes clanking around in the sink, your body sore from the weird position you were pretzeled in while you were asleep. you sat up, rubbing your eyes to see jake standing in front of your sink washing all the cups and shot glasses you and yeji had used the night before. embarrassed, you called out to him softly.
"jaeyun-ah, what are you doing?" you asked quietly, sleep still plaguing your voice. you could practically feel him perk up at your voice and from you saying his real name, which you'd never done before. "just cleaning up some dishes that you had in the sink," jake said sweetly and nonchalantly as he turned his head to look at your embarrassed expression, chuckling at how cute you looked when you were half asleep, "relax, princess. i don't mind doing this stuff. go ahead and lay down." reluctantly, you followed his instructions and put your head back down on a decorative throw pillow that was on your couch, which you learned would be convenient for hangover driven couch naps.
soon, jake finished washing dishes in the kitchen and crouched down by the couch, his eyes glimmering as they looked into yours. "why are you looking at me like that?" you giggled as you covered your face with the blanket shyly. "because you're cute," he responded with a sweet smile, placing a gentle kiss on your head.
'shut up, shut up, shut up,' you thought to yourself as you tried to push away your romantic thoughts regarding jake. you wanted so badly to not be fazed by his words and actions, but it's as if he had you under some kind of spell.
"i wanna lay on my bed," you groaned quietly, your hangover making it hard to talk. "here," jake said, positioning his arms to carry you bridal style, "i don't want you to have to walk, so you get a free ride." he joked as you cozied yourself into his arms, jake lifting you effortlessly into your room and onto your bed which relieved the stiffness that your body felt from being on the couch for so long.
"now, as per protocol, i must lay next to you," jake said in a goofy manner as he slid underneath the covers to cozy himself into bed with you. "whose protocol?" you teased as you rolled you eyes playfully at his dumb joke. "dr. jake sim's protocol; he's a very esteemed doctor that you should trust," jake said between a few giggles as he playfully yet gently wrapped his arms around your waist, making you shift as you leaned toward him from the ticklish feeling.
it felt like the more you wanted to distance yourself from him, the closer you two got. every touch felt so loving and intimate, and it pained you to know that you had to let him go though he brought you so much joy. he deserves more than a lower-class girl, and you vowed not to get too comfortable but you feel like you're already are.
the feeling of his warm chest against your back brought you another level of safety and comfort. jake proceeded to snake his hands all over your body in a surprisingly nonsexual manner as you began to feel yourself drifting off to sleep again. in the midst of your body falling into a sleepy state, jake pressed kisses along your jawline and shoulder. "comfortable?" was the last thing you heard him say before you fully let sleep take over your body to which you think you responded verbally, but if you didn't, the fact that you'd fallen asleep was enough of an answer.
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you woke up with your head resting on jake's chest and the feeling of him running his fingers through your hair. "feeling better?" he asked once you opened your eyes. you let out a quiet hum in response as you rolled off of him to stretch your body out. "i think i'll feel even better after a shower," you said sleepily as you put your head down on a pillow.
"wanna save water?" jake asked with a smirk. "what are you suggesting, hm?" you said teasingly as you ran a finger down his jawline. "i'll show you if you let me," he said, looking into your eyes with lust.
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in what felt like milliseconds, your back was against the bathroom door as you and jake made out, the steam of the shower fogging up the bathroom mirror. between kisses, you two began to strip each other down, eventually making your way into the warm shower as jake adored your beautiful curves. to him, your body looked like a perfectly sculpted work of art.
the warm water ran down your bodies as jake began to trail his hands from your chest down to your ass, his breath hitching once you began to reciprocate; running your hands down his abs and down to his throbbing hard member, wrapping your hand around it and slowly beginning to stroke him.
"such a good girl for me. now let me show you what good girls get," jake breathed out, making you let go of his cock so he could put you in a position that gave him easy access to your wet pussy. he bent you over and you held onto the built-in towel rack that was on the wall of the shower. you arched your back, inviting him to please you as he teasingly slid his fingers up and down your slick entrance, wanting you to get needier for him.
"please?" you whined quietly as you turned to look at him with your sweet, innocent eyes, "i need to feel you." jake chuckled cockily as he put a finger into you, a wave of pleasure shooting through your body which prompted you to let out a moan. "such a sweet princess. you're so cute when you're needy," he teased as he slipped another finger in, pumping and curling them in and out of your sensitive entrance as you moaned out for him.
"n-need your cock so bad," you whimpered as he fingered you roughly, your wetness dripping down his fingers and your thighs. jake pulled his fingers out of you and planted a sensual kiss on your shoulder as he teased your entrance with his tip, making your legs lightly tremble in anticipation until he finally pushed himself inside you. he offered you his hand to hold, which you accepted, as he continued to inch himself into you, squeezing it while you adjusted to his size.
"my princess," jake whispered as he bottomed out, "so beautiful." he sensually kissed down your shoulders as he gently thrusted in and out of you, making you moan for him.
the lovemaking that you and jake did hit you in the heart in indescribable ways. yeah, the rough sex was incredibly hot, but there was something about the intimacy of lovemaking that made you think that you lov-
your thoughts were interrupted by a huge and intense wave of pleasure that hit your body which caused you to let out a loud moan as jake softly kneaded your ass. "god, jake," you gasped as you gently began to push your ass back at him, jake groaning at the sight and feeling of your ass bouncing against his hips, "feels s-so good."
"i know, princess, i know," jake whispered in your ear, strands of his wet blonde hair falling onto his forehead, "fuck, i'm not gonna last long. you feel so fucking good." the two of you were both in a state of euphoria as you felt the pleasure take over your bodies, jake cumming inside you not long after. you didn't know an action as simple as shower sex would be so erotically intimate.
after you two calmed down from your highs, you began to clean up, jake helping you wash your body and condition your hair. you did the same for him: reaching up to wash his shoulders as he jokingly lowered his head so you could reach it better when you began to shampoo his hair. you and jake shared laughs as you two helped each other clean up.
when things calmed down from being playful and silly, jake gently moved behind you, your back against his toned abs as he held you. the feeling of warm water running down both your bodies as you subconsciously began to shift side to side in unison was one of the most comforting feelings that you'd ever felt. jake rested his chin on your shoulder and gave you a gentle peck on the cheek, making your stomach flood with butterflies.
you wished that it was easier to run away from your feelings for jake, but no matter how much you wanted to deny it, he made you feel so special. the way he always looked out for you no matter the circumstance, the way he held you at night while you two drifted off to sleep, the way he cares about you; those were things that could never seem to make their way out of your mind.
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after getting dried off and settled down, you and jake decided to lay back down on your bed again the way you were before taking a shower.
"today's been so relaxing," jake hummed against your shoulder as he held you from behind. you nodded in response, lifting your head from your pillow to cozy yourself against his chest in a way that you could hear his heartbeat. you figured you'd enjoy the moment to its fullest since your plan to create distance between the two of you was delayed by his sudden arrival. it could be fate bringing the two of you closer, but you decided to brush off that cliché thought and do what you thought would be best for him. because after all, you were doing this for his sake, right? so he could have someone better.
"you know," jake started, "it's been awhile since i've been this carefree." your eyes widened in response. "really?" you asked with genuine curiosity. "mhm," jake nodded, "i don't know, there's just something about being with you that puts me at ease." you blushed because you knew you felt the same way, you just didn't want to admit that to him in fear that things might escalate and you'd get hurt when he inevitably left you for someone that's actually in his league.
"you're such a sweetheart, jake, you know that, right?" you smiled as you reached your hand up to cup his cheek, physically feeling his smile which drove you crazy. "don't make me shy," he whined playfully as his face turned warm to the touch, "that's my job." your eyes widened at his statement, now knowing that he's fully aware of his affect on you. though oddly enough, your new knowledge of him knowing how he makes you feel gives you a bit of hope knowing that he's probably just trying to make you feel good and doesn't actually feel anything romantic between the two of you. sort of a win-lose situation for you though considering that you kinda have a thing for him.
"shush!" you said playfully, followed by a kiss on the lips from jake. "the only way i'll shut up is if i'm kissing you, so..." he said teasingly before littering your face and lips with kisses. your heart was racing miles as you began to reciprocate; giving him kisses as well until you found yourself straddling him, gently pinning him down by his shoulders in a playful manner and continuing your little 'kissing battle' with him.
though the situation began as wholesome and lovey, things took a 180 when you jake began to snake his hands all over your body, slowly riling you up until you were undeniably horny for him for the second time in the same day. you two just couldn't seem to take your hands off of each other sexually and non-sexually. his hands finally found their way into your panties once you two got lost in a make out session, his fingers alternating between toying with the waistband and rubbing your pussy through the wet fabric.
"daddy, please?" you looked up at him in a begging manner, desperate for him to please you again. he placed another kiss on your lips before hooking his fingers onto the waistband of your panties and slowly pulling them down. "i could never say no to you, my princess," he said seductively as he placed gentle pecks on your neck while massaging your clit, waves of pleasure forming in your stomach as you let out quiet moans.
jake wasted no time pushing two fingers inside you, still giving you a little bit of time to adjust before pumping them in and out of you. your eyes rolled back as you moaned out for him, inflating jake's ego which made him work harder to please you. "f-feels good," you whimpered, you and jake maintaining eye contact as he picked up his pace. you pushed your hips against his fingers, wanting more, which gave jake the green light to go faster.
you bit your lip and whined, feeling your walls pulse as you listened to the sound of your wetness against jake's long fingers. "gonna cum, princess?" jake taunted teasingly as he began to rub your clit with his thumb, "be a good girl and cum for me." you nodded your head and let out loud moans as jake curled his fingers against your sweet spot, "i-i wanna be a good girl for daddy." jake smirked then gave you a kiss as you let yourself unravel, moaning against his beautiful plump lips.
"fuck, i'm not done with you," jake mumbled against your neck as he pulled his fingers out of you and lowered himself down to your now sore entrance, latching his lips onto your warmth, cleaning your up. you moaned at the overstimulation as you tangled your fingers in his hair, slightly pulling it. you let him take control of your body while you laid back and enjoyed the pleasure, letting jake play with you however he wanted.
when he finished, he wiped his lips with the back of his hand, which was sexy for some reason, then casually went back to cuddling you. "can i sleep over?" jake asked cutely as he put his face in the crook of your neck. you sighed internally knowing that you had to tell him no.
"i have a super busy today tomorrow, jake, and i don't wanna trouble you with that since i'll be waking up early for school. plus, i have a long shift at work after school," you sighed as you looked into his puppy-dog eyes. a big part of you really wanted to let him stay, but you knew that you had to stand your ground. jake fake pouted as he put his face back in the crook of your neck, clinging onto you like a koala and not wanting to separate himself from you.
"i don't wanna go," jake whined, "i'm gonna miss you again tonight." you sighed internally as you played with his hair. "i know, jakey, i'm gonna miss you too," you responded honestly, jake still not letting go of you, "i'll go see you whenever i can, just not tomorrow because of how busy i'll be although i wish i could." he gave you a kiss in understanding but was visibly gloomy about not being able to see you.
it only gets harder to distance yourself from him because he doesn't seem to want to be separated from you either. you let out the nth internal sigh of the day as you let jake hold you close to his chest, gaining comfort from the feeling though it was wrong. so, so wrong.
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waking up for the second morning in a row without jake by your side made you feel a bit empty, but you were adamant in telling yourself to get used to living without him. it's not like he's been around you your whole life, so all you had to do was live the way you did before you met him, though that was easier said than done.
even getting dressed to go to university without him felt weird for some reason; maybe it was because all the new clothes that you got lately were all bought by jake, but still, it felt odd regardless.
walking out your door and into the cold autumn air only made you wish that jake was there even more. walking with you with his hand in yours, making you feel warm as you walked to the underground train station.
as soon as you took your seat on the train, you put your earphones in to listen to music, hoping to make yourself feel calm before class.
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"y/n! i feel like i haven't seen you in forever!" jeongin said with a huge smile plastered on his face as you two hugged each other. you giggled at his cute smile after you two separated from each other's embrace. "yeah i know, right?" you agreed as you took a seat next to him, "we should hang out again." you suggested. after all, you enjoyed it last time, and plus, it would help you get away from jake. "i'd love that," jeongin smiled, "just give me a time and place and i'll be there." you nodded in response as you spotted yeji coming into the lecture hall. you motioned for her to come sit by you and jeongin, and she happily trotted over to the two of you.
"sorry i'm later than usual today," yeji chuckled as she placed her backpack down by her seat, "i slept in longer than i thought i would. but anyway, i'm glad to see that you sobered up well, y/n." yeji joked as you widened your eyes in embarrassment. "hangover?" jeongin asked with a giggle as you nodded mildly shamefully in response, "aww, well, i'm glad you're okay now."
jeongin was such a sweet guy, and you were genuinely looking forward to hanging out with him, but you couldn't help but feel a pinch of guilt because you didn't want it to seem like you were just using him as some sort of distraction from jake. though hanging out with him would certainly help with that, it wasn't your motive.
within a few minutes, the lecture began and you, yeji, and jeongin began to take notes between the professor's blabbering about whatever he felt like talking about that didn't relate to the lesson at all. 'just two more months,' you kept repeating to yourself in order to keep your sanity as you tried desperately not to lose interest in what your professor was going on a tangent about. you knew it was bad when even jeongin, an extremely dedicated student, was dozing off during the lecture. yeji, on the other hand, was shamelessly slouching in her seat with her chin in the palm of her hand and her eyes closed, leaving her pink pen uncapped and notes half written.
though you were upset to admit it, you zoned out during the lecture and only gained your focus back when the class ended. you shook yeji roughly by her shoulder to wake her but gently rubbed jeongin's shoulder to make sure he was awake. to be fair, yeji was a heavy sleeper and your best friend which meant you naturally loved messing with her.
"c'mon guy, the lecture is over now, you can go home and sleep," you chuckled as they both groaned and lifted their heads off the table. yeji was lucky she had the night shift at work because that meant she could at least get some rest before going into work, but you on the other hand had work almost immediately after class, so after waving goodbye to yeji and jeongin, you dashed out of the lecture hall to get ready for work.
upon arriving outside the bar, you took a deep breath before walking in and proceeded to open the doors with confidence. it feels like forever since you've worn your work outfit, and you forgot how much confidence it gave you; it made you feel kinda... sexy? then, after waving at your coworkers and saying your hellos, you headed to your side of the bar to begin working your 8 hour shift.
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work started off the same as usual: mixing cocktails, serving rounds of shots, chatting with customers, but then you noticed a group of 4 girls that were congregating around your side of the bar and making a bit of a ruckus and looking all around the area, so naturally you went over to them to ask if anything was wrong.
"hey, is there anything i can get for you guys? any drinks, snacks?" you asked politely to hide your annoyance. "oh, we're just waiting here to see if someone comes in," one of the girls said nonchalantly. "oh, well, do you mind taking a seat while you do so? we don't want the other guests to think there's something going on," you said in a stern yet still hospitable tone.
"oh yeah, sorry about that," the girl spoke again as she and her friends took seats at your bar, "...so, do you happen to know a sim jaeyun, or sorry, some people just know him as jake?" she asked somewhat mockingly when she referred to him as just 'jake.' you decided to play around with this unexpected question.
"why do you ask?" you said with fake curiosity sprinkled in your voice, "i'm not really fond of guest's names." she perked up and looked at her friends before starting. "he's the hottest chaebol around right now, like, it's crazy that he's super hot and super rich. he's been spotted around here a few times, but there's also been rumors of him being spotted with an unrecognizable girl who is definitely not part of the business world. people who've spotted him around with this poor chick haven't been able to get a clear shot of them, so we could never see her face or anything. he should be with someone who's in the upper class like he is, so whoever that girl is should back off before she embarrasses herself, right?"
saying that your heart dropped would be the biggest understatement in the world. is that really what other rich people thought of you? a 'poor chick' that's an embarrassment to jake's existence? you wanted to run away and bawl your eyes out, but you stomached all of this information and responded.
"o-oh wow, i never knew about all that. maybe i should keep up with stuff like that, huh?" you replied as you pretended to dry off wine glasses, trying to sound as nonchalant and unfazed as possible even though you wanted to roll yourself into a ball and never be seen again.
"it's dumb that whoever that girl is thinks that jake "loves her" or something. she looks like a charity case!" she laughed along with her friends. "w-wow, is it really that bad?" you asked, trying with all your might not to let tears stream down your face, "is that really what she seems like?" one of the other girls nodded. "yeah, it's kinda depressing to look at." all of the girls chimed in with various 'yeahs' and other agreements.
'depressing, huh?' you thought to yourself as you played with one of the heart-shaped diamonds on your bracelet. it was getting increasingly difficult to not bawl your eyes out in embarrassment the longer you were standing in front of these girls who basically thought you were a joke.
"well, i hope he shows up," you fake smiled, "my shift is about to end, so would you guys like anything before i head out?" you asked although you didn't want to serve these girls who all agreed that you were a charity case that jake didn't give a shit about. "hmmm... we'll buy have some strawberry soju," she said as she looked behind you and at the alcohol bottles that were on display. you nodded and turned around to pour a round of shots for them, leaving soon after serving them.
you left out the back door and into the cool autumn air, finally letting your tears pour down your face as you walked down the dark streets that were only lit up by streetlights. you thought about just going home to hide from the world, but then you had an idea; a cheap and mildly pathetic way to forget this shit temporarily.
a sex club
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you stared at the entrance of this random sex club before just saying 'fuck it' and going in.
you were greeted by some surprisingly attractive people who were all there for one thing: sex. you must've come on a good day because there were a lot of amazingly handsome men that you wouldn't mind getting with, but there was one guy in particular that you were making eye contact with. he was tall, had sexy, toned biceps, and beautiful hands that you thought would look delightful all over your body. his sharp eyes seemed to pierce through you as he looked you up and down before finally approaching the red couch you were seated on.
"we're both here for the same reason, so do we even need an introduction?" he smirked, radiating the sexiest confidence that you'd ever seen. "sexy and confident? i like you already," you flirted back, standing up and running your hands seductively down his chest and scanning his face. you looked at the beauty mark on the side of his nose, not being able to take your eyes off of his pretty face. "let's not waste anymore time. rent a room and i'll show you a good time." and at that, he went over to the front desk to request a private room for the two of you.
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"shit," he hissed at the feeling of your tongue against his member, "beautiful and skilled with her tongue. i hit the jackpot with you." he kept running his fingers through your hair as you sat between his legs, sucking his cock as he praised you for being talented with your tongue.
eventually, you ended up sitting on his lap, straddling him as you let him leave kisses on your neck and the exposed skin of your chest. "fuck," you muttered as he rubbed your clit with his pretty fingers, "put your cock in me." you begged quietly which boosted his ego. smirking, he rolled a condom onto his length and positioned himself right outside your entrance, slowly pushing himself in which only made you needier as he bottomed out.
he roughly thrusted in and out of you, making your back arch off the bed that you two were fucking on. "you feel so fucking good," he groaned out as you moaned out for him with teary eyes from the pleasure, "now put your ass up and face down." he commanded as he pulled out of you, your arousal covering the condom. you positioned yourself exactly how he asked you to and he soon put his cock back inside you, beginning to fuck you like there's no tomorrow as you gripped the sheets of the rental room's bed and rubbed your clit for more stimulation.
"so needy, aren't you?" he said as he landed a harsh slap on your thigh, "you wanna cum so bad, don't you?" you slowly nodded your head up and down, "p-please?" you whimpered, practically begging him to fuck you until you cry "i wanna cum s-so bad." he let out a light and sexy chuckle as he kneaded your ass. "what a whore," he said sternly followed by a spank, "get on top and ride me. show me how much you really want it."
you happily obliged and straddled him, sinking down on his hard on and moaning at the feeling of him touching your sweet spot once he was completely inside you. you began to rock your hips against his, using one arm to hold onto his shoulder for support and the other to play with your clit as you rode him. he threw his head back in pleasure as you scanned his handsome face again; that beautiful mole on the side of his nose bridge was oddly charming to look at while you were fucking him.
you were surprised how easily he made you cum, and you were starting to think half of the reason you came so fast was being extremely attracted to looking at his face while bouncing on his cock. "work for another one, slut," he commanded as you began to slow down. you whined at his request but still obliged for the sake of your pleasure. the room was filled with moans once more as you chased another orgasm, again finishing faster than you thought as you felt him release into the condom with a low groan escaping his lips.
the two of you laid down on your backs on the bed for a bit to catch your breath before you began gathering your clothes and putting them on, feeling mildly ashamed for what you just did. "already in a rush?" he joked with a chuckle to which you just laughed in response while putting on your clothes, not wanting to look back at him due to the tears that were threatening to escape your eyes.
sex with this guy was fun but at the same time, it wasn't. it felt amazing, yes, but it didn't feel the same way as when you and jake did it; there was just something missing. the sex felt good, so why did you feel so guilty? guilty as if you betrayed jake or something. he isn't even your boyfriend, so why were you so worried about it?
"i just have homework to do tonight," you said with a light chuckle, still not looking back at him because your eyes were beginning to become teary, "thanks for the fun." you joked in attempt to hide your cracking voice. "wait, i didn't get your name. mine is-"
you cut him off by gently shutting the door and speed-walking out of the sex club in tears. you phoned a taxi to pick you up at the end of the street because you didn't want to have to explain why you were at a sex club in the first place. you tried to calm down in the meantime before your ride showed up, the cold air helping dry your tears as you patted your eyes with your sleeve as well. not long after, the taxi driver pulled up to the street sign and let you inside.
"so, where to?"
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"here? a-are you sure?" the taxi driver questioned as she pulled up outside your destination, looking around the area. "yeah, this is it," you said sheepishly, still holding in a waterfall of tears, "thank you so much." you bowed upon exiting her passenger's seat after paying.
then came the walk up the long entrance and driveway, though you managed to make it to the front door without crying. it was when you rang the doorbell that the tears began to leak out of the corners of your eyes. the house was dark and after awhile, you began to think he wasn't home. but suddenly, the light outside the door flicked on and you heard the door unlock.
tears. so many tears streamed down from your eyes. you just couldn't stop, not even when you looked up to see him.
"hey now, don't cry. what's wrong, baby? did anyone hurt you?" jake asked with shock and surprise upon just waking up, feeling your body for any injuries after letting go from your embrace. you couldn't even form a sentence from how much you were bawling your eyes out; you just kept crying as if you were alone in your room. jake gently brought you inside to sit you down on the couch and warm up as he held you close, your tears wetting his shirt.
all the tears you'd been holding in the entire day uncontrollably poured out as jake held onto you, intertwining his fingers with yours and gently kissing the top of your head while you cried, silently letting you know that he wasn't going to leave you in a state of distress.
"shhh, it's gonna be okay, princess," jake reassured you as cupped your face he wiped your tears with his thumbs, "do you want to talk about it? it's completely okay if you don't want to." you sniffled and looked into his eyes. "i just can't stop crying and
n-need you to hold me," you said shyly with a hint of defeat between sniffles as jake rested his chin on your shoulder. "always, princess. here, let's go to my room and get some rest, you can wear my clothes to sleep, yeah?" you nodded as you hopped off of jake's lap, taking his hand as he walked you to his bedroom.
he carefully helped you change into one of his shirts as if you were as physically fragile as your emotional state, but it was genuinely sweet nonetheless. jake even went to the kitchen to get you a glass of water to put on your bedside table just the way you liked it. he knew you better than you wanted him to.
your plan was to get away from jake, but here you were, letting jake give you butterfly kisses on you face, neck, and shoulders until you fell asleep in his arms.
your heart just had to accept that you can't resist jake sim no matter how hard you tried.
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a/n: hi gang, sorry this chapter took longer than i thought it would, i fr thought i could get this one out super quick but my smooth brain disagreed with that. anyway i hope you guys picked up on who y/n fucked bc i tried to make it super obvious 👀👀
also pls lmk what you guys think of the incorporation of the little texts in between some of the story! should i keep doing it or do you guys think it's distracting?
taglist: @sjakewrld @markleeisdabestdrug @futuremodeldiary @jeondolly @lil-iva @lalalalawon @noirgray @jckeplanet @teddy-lhj @meinapricity @jjkshies @bubbleseo @cherryunie @mqndnolia @axartia @jjhmk @valiantwastelanddelusion @jayroseyy @ayohahaha @asaheyow @lhsng @i-dalso @bunhoons @red-xherry @duolingofanaccount @lix-freckle3 @l0st-h0p3s @leeis @muffinminnie @green-orangeade @imbaeksbae
*bolded accs could not be tagged
©yunjardi on tumblr
#enhypen#enhypen smut#enhypen hard hours#enhypen imagines#enhypen x reader#enhypen jake#jake smut#jake sim#enhypen jake smut#jake enhypen smut#enha jake smut#enhypen ff#jardi's mhbtd#enhypen x reader smut#jake sim smut
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Valentine's tag game 💗
me? finally doing a tag game? FINALLY! thank you for the besties that keep on tagging me in these things even though lately my mind has been all over the place and I forget to do them. But since it's vday, I figured! thank you for the tag @ripdragonbeans <3333
The most painful love crush/disappointment in life?
My crush on my childhood friend. We had been together in school since kindergarten all the way to high school, and we even went to the same university, just different faculties. It was one of those cases where you realize you have a crush on them when they're gone, and by then it's too late!
What was your first real date like/what do you imagine your first real date like?
I honestly don't consider the dates I've been on actual dates ughhh, so I can't say. And at this point, I can't even imagine what an actual, proper first date would be like honestly, I'm becoming a cynic and a hermit, not a good combo 😅
What would be the most awkward situation for you on a date/has happened to you while dating?
I have two funny stories: When this dude wanted to come across all suave and shit and invited me to the movies, and he said he was gonna pay for our tickets with a coupon. We get there and the coupon WASN'T VALID ANYMORE since like two years prior lmao, so I had to pay. And it was just so awkward.
And then, when I was in Canada, this dude invited me to this cafe where you play board games and stuff, and he was getting visibly annoyed that I was winning all the games. But what was worse about that one, is that I was administering my money very carefully cause I was abroad, and this guy KNEW. And he didn't tell me that you had to pay a fee to be able to play the board games. So when the bill arrived I was JUST FLOORED because, "Why am I paying 16 dollars when I only bought myself a $4 coffee????" I was so pissed.
What was your first kiss like/what do you imagine your first kiss to be like?
Haven't had my first kiss, and my cynical ass can't even imagine it anymore
Do you have any sexual quirks that others would find strange/is there anything you would never do when it comes to sex?
.......................so nothing unconventional I suppose? really into dom/sub dynamics, but I guess an unconventional thing was, I was listening to an audio the other day that involved "puppy play" and I was like OHHH 😳 yes please call me a naughty little puppy when you're dominating me
As for things I wouldn't do, nothing gross like a piss kink, and definitely not cnc.
Kinkiest thing you've done/could do with a partner?
Haven't actually had sex but the idea of using a double-ended dildo is something I think about constantly............................
The most romantic thing ever?
Someone making you a playlist!
no pressure tags: @starlightsearches @moongirldreamer @waywardrose @thembohux @itsaconquestofimagination @arcielee @moonchildrenandflowercrowns and anyone else that wants to do this! <3
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Man's Fallibility & Immortality
I found a practically perfect song, by my interpretation, to add to my Rise to Fall playlist. (I haven't cleaned up/updated the playlist fully, so I'm not posting the whole thing yet, but I think this particular song warrants its own post.)
First, listen to the song: Nothing's New - Rio Romeo
Then, what follows below is something of a tragedy-analysis, abstract, meta-thing/omniscient prose narration experiment. I don't know what it is—an outpouring of thoughts. It may strike a similar chord as my narration at the end of Simony and its epilogue.
(Simony was a prediction fic I wrote before the publication of Fall. An extremely erroneous one though. I still think it could work, but oh, how wrong I was.
The direction Soman took the plot in, just, it was unpredictable, even if I did enjoy the book. I still like Rise better than Fall though, of the duology. If Rise had just ended at the point of: Vulcan is dead, Rafal tortures his students, and the brothers gradually learn to trust each other again, that would've been nice and comforting, honestly. But no, substitutes, substitutes, substitutes! On both sides. Drives me insane. Ack! But, I have four, short fics planned that have alternate endings to Rise and to Fall, to make up for it. Well, one of them is so far a little longer, three chapters long.)
If anyone wants me to analyze the actual lyrics more closely, I'm willing to do that too!
⸻
The tales.
They are all the same.
Good winning, Evil winning.
What difference does it make after centuries, really?
Everything probably feels numb and empty after a certain point.
Like nothing matters anymore.
Undiluted apathy after that certain point.
When? I've lost track.
When losses and victories all ring hollow, and all sound the same.
The End.
That's all It wrote.
The sum of lives distilled down to ink and illustrations.
Nothing beyond that. No life, no spark.
What more is there? When nothing will ever satisfy the restless souls, not even an Ending all to themselves.
Just pages that will yellow with time even if the stories themselves are timeless because nothing changes.
Nothing ever changes.
There's no evolution.
Every tale is the same.
It becomes nothing after nothing, not victory after victory, when you're ageless like we are.
And how, if that's how it is?
Why bother?
Why bother at all?
It's a cycle that continues, with or without the brothers.
Ceaseless.
So, why should it matter?
It's the same with or without them.
Their position was always ceremonial.
After a while, anyone becomes tiring. Anyone.
And one person just isn't enough, when you have no one else.
No one else to shield you.
It gets old. The love just... fades, and wears out.
Perhaps, human love can only span for so long, and that's why humans are mortal.
Made mortal, and no one should traverse beyond that.
It always leads to hubris, and then, a fall.
An unnatural fear of death trained into them, when limits were never set, when power was never checked, when they expected to have all the time in the world.
Nothing is built to last. At least, not by the Storian.
It does whatever it pleases.
You can't extend a life past its time.
It will always end in ruin. Isn't that the lesson the storybooks teach?
A cautionary tale.
Again and again, the cycle continues.
Every failed holy-grail of immortality, every spilled cup drawn from the fountain of youth, every cursed head of lettuce, every white snake, every chalice of sleeping draught that led to execution after execution, every baptism that succumbed to primordial wickedness, every impoverished fisherman's hovel?
Why not a tale about two brothers?
One where two are felled.
To caution against mortal greed that even immortality can't peel away.
To caution against always wanting more until you're left with nothing.
Nothing at all.
Just like how you can't truly resurrect anyone as who they once were, you can't revive the soul that a person once was.
And you can't play at being God because it defies the rules of nature.
And all that we know about transience and permanence and how ephemeral everything else is.
Everything but Man, who vies to leave a legacy wherever he goes, at any price, even at the cost of his soul, not life.
⸻
Now, I do wonder if I made anyone emotional? I certainly tried this time around, to be a provocateur like Soman is. Tell me what you think, if you want.
#school for good and evil#rise of the school for good and evil#fall of the school for good and evil#rafal#rafal mistral#rhian#rhian mistral#the storian#sge#sfgae#the school for good and evil#tsfgae#rotsge#rotsfgae#fotsge#fotsfgae#my post#my fics#my writing#my analysis#creation theory#artificial life#man vs. pen
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Goldenlight week 2023: 💜💛 Day 5 Dancing
Everyone is always surprised when Luz tells people she can do ballet. It's always the same comment's; "But your too clumsy and hyper, Not graceful enough, too much of a tomboy. Not traditionally feminine enough." Their are always worse comment's. Especially from jealous white dance moms trying to live out their dreams through their daughters. Even so, Luz doesn't care. She remembers something her dad once told her about her dancing.
"Mijita, if it's your dream, es tu pasión. You keep doing it. Don't care what anyone else says. When you dance you light up the whole world."
It gets harder to remember that with him gone. She doesn't do much dancing in front of other people anymore. What's the point if her dad isn't there to see it? Who loved it the most. Still when things get too frustrating, like say a portal door you been working on for two months blows up. When your only hope blows up in fire and smoke and you have to start all over from scratch! Well let's just say you need to left off some steam. You need to grab your dance bag from your closest, hop on your bike and just ride off to the dance studio in Gravesfield.
Her dance teacher, even though she's not officially a student anymore(not enough money to keep taking classes when there's only one parent around) still lets her use the studio when classes are finish.
"You were always a breath of fresh air Luz! And so much postive enjoy. All the other students never really wanted to be here. It was always their mother's making them. But you! So happy and full of passion."
Her dance teacher always said she was her favorite. Still she goes through the back. She can't deal with questions or what's wrong from her teacher right now. She never notices a certain bad but sad boy following her.
Luz enters the studio. Familiar glass mirrors and bars along the wall. She drops her bag and soon takes out blue, well used and love ballet shoes. She gets to work putting them on, than does her stretches. Once that's finished she puts her air pods on and taps to her playlist on her phone. A much loved and used playlist for when she feels like this. Gasoline by Halsey starts filling her ears. Finally she lets go.
Are you insane like me?
Been in pain like me?
Bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me?
Just to pour that motherfucker down the drain like me?
Would you use your water bill to dry the stain like me?
Luz lets the music take her away. She dances familiar and comforting moves she's done a million times. Standing on tip toes, twirling, arching this way and that. Spinning and taking big leaps around the room. Her only company is her reflection(and unknown to her a boy at the door about to speaks but stops when she starts dancing).
And all the people say
You can't wake up, this is not a dream
You're part of a machine, you are not a human being
With your face all made up, living on a screen
Low on self-esteem, so you run on gasoline
Without realizing it though, tears are dripping down her eyes. Frustrated and angry tears. She soon closers her eyes to ignore the tears. Getting completely lost. Not noticing Hunter enter the room quietly to watch her.
I think there's a flaw in my code
(Oh, ooh-oh, ooh-oh, oh)
These voices won't leave me alone
Well, my heart is gold and my hands are cold
Luz ends up holding her arms out gracefully like a bird and just ends up twirling around the room with out stopping. Round and round she goes. She opens her eyes on one of her twirls and sees a familiar face.
"Ahh!" She cries out in surprise, ends up slipping and falling to her knees. Hunter runs to, and kneels. "I'm sorry, are you ok?"
"I'm fine, did you follow me?"Luz questions. She slowly goes back onto her feet. Hunter does too. This close, she notices how tall he is. Tall but not to much taller than her. So much taller that he could crowed her. But tall enough that she feels safe. Perfect hight for dancing.
"Yeah,"sighs Hunter in apology. "I jus- I just wanted to see if you were OK."
Luz takes out her earbuds and mutes the music. She sweaty and her breathing is a little heavy
"I didn't know you could dance."
Luz looks at Hunter, and she is reminded of so many things that she doesn't want to think about right now. That's why she came here to dance. Hunter is about to open his mouth to speak more, when Luz without thinking puts fingers to his lips to keep him from talking. His eyes go wide at her touch.
"Dance with me." Luz says very serious.
"What, but I can't-?"
"Hunter I've seen you as the golden guard, and Willow has told me you fly amazingly. You certainly have some moves. Dance with me."
Hunter swallows hard, but nods and takes of his jacket. Left in only a black tank top. Luz turns of her earpods, and set up the music to play out loud. Scrolling through several songs she picks one. King of Shadow by Kat Cunning starts echoing into the dance studio.
Nobody knows you better than me
Better than the lace you wear
Every single detail chantilly
Every curl inside your hair and
I'm Falling in, fallin into the light
Anything you want to do
You and me, you and me intertwined
I can be the king of shadow
Everywhere you turn I'm chasin' you
Luz adjusts Hunter's hands onto her waist, gives him an undesirable look, than as if on signal they start moving and dancing together. And it's effortless. Like two birds flying together in the sky. They move in harmony. Two souls becoming one.
I've seen you with all your lovers who fail
To please you like I know I can
Hold me below the covers and say
Tonight you'll let me be your hands and
I'm Fallin in, fallin into the light
Anything you want to do
You and me, you and me intertwined
Luz has never felt like this when dancing. But it's helping so much. It clears her head. No more bad thoughts or sad feelings. She just glides across the floor with Hunter. Dancing away from his his arms she backs up, and with out being told he holds out his arms for her. She leaps up into his arms. He catches her into a bridal carry. Brings her close and starts spinning around with her.
I can be the dark, you can look right through me
In a flash of love, we are just one body
I can be the king of shadow
I can be the king of shadow
He really is a good dancer too. It's like instic, like he's done it before. Maybe has, maybe in another life. Hunter gently brings Luz to her feet, she stands on her toes. He leans his forhead against hers. The song finally fades and finish. The both breath softly, sweat on both their bodies. She opens her eyes and stares up into his. He looks back at her.
"Are you feeling better?" He asks in soft intimate whisper.
Luz lies, because she doesn't want this to stop, "No."
Hunter nods, "Want to keep dancing?"
Luz nods and puts arms around his neck. Another song starts to play. Hunter puts his arms around her hips. They start to dance again.
#the owl house#lunter#huntceda#goldenlight#luz x hunter#goldenluz#goldenlight week 2023#my writing#yes I'm a lunter shipper#ballet#ballet au
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Rwby Ships as my kpop playlist songs:
I'm a very huge kpop stan and I think it would be nice to have some fun just by mixing my two interests into one. Enjoy!
Rosegarden - "SLOWMOTION" by TREASURE
What I love about this song is it speaks about taking your time to go deeper, slower, in the moment. It also gives deep comfort or ease. This song best suits Rosegarden in my opinion because from how I see Rosegarden, as the world is going faster that it's heavier to carry its heavy weight, they find as if the world became slower and lighter the moment they see each other.
Overall, the vibe just suits 😌🥰❤💚
Lines:
(1) We goin' slowmotion
(2) I want a deep talk
(3) All day, let's go, it's a long day, trust me, lean next to me.
Renora - "But You" by iKON
One, I can definitely see Ren singing this to Nora.
Two, this song tells about how sure that the girl, he used to be in a relationship before, is the only one for him no matter what and would want to start over again which I think suits them sooo much. Plus, I think this is something how Ren would really deeply feel about Nora even especially how they are currently.
Lines:
(1) You're the reason. I need you baby
(2) Start over and fall in love
(3) We know each other better more than anyone else
(4) Nobody but you
Bumbleby - "Bet You Wanna" by BLACKPINK
They're high for each other. They're hooked for each other. Just look at the gif. Does that not speak volumes to you??? /hj
Anyways, yes, this song has the whole vibe of being high because of their partner. Blake and Yang have always been clingy and whipped for each other and this song expands that idea more. This song is playful and teasing like their love language so it's this I choose.
This song kinda mentions a lot of fire too.
Lines:
(1) Take me to your paradise cuz I don't wanna wait anymore
(2) Something 'bout me's takin' you higher and you ain't ever gonna come down.
(3) I'm lighting your fire and it ain't ever gonna go out
Blacksun - "Thank You" by TREASURE
Both Blake and Sun are thankful for being with each other. There are so many lessons and memories they've made from each other and I guess it's time to say "Thank you". They wish each other good things in the world. That's the whole point of the song, just being thankful and moving forward. Also, the vibe or the music just suits them a lot.
Lines:
(1) Thank you that I met you
(2) All we have to do is walk on the flowery path
(3) Instead, I promise you don't get sick and I hope you meet a good person.
(4) Thank you so much, I was so happy
Tauradonna - "KILL THIS LOVE" by BLACKPINK
LET'S KILL THIS LOVE!
YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH
Arkos - "Shout Out" by ENHYPEN
Honestly, everything about arkos makes me associate everything specifically about being true to your feelings which I think relates to the song about "shouting" it out and considering how Pyrrah was always keeping her feelings to herself.
This song also has that beautiful vibe I feel for this ship.
Lines:
(1) The fake paradigm that locked me up beyond the border line drawn by someone, I shout out, and this is my shout out. I'm all for myself.
(2) Shout out my heart for you. My burning heart, shout out.
(3) I'm trapped in a wall that locked me up. Your voice is calling me
(4) My life without you is a misery
(5) With my real voice, I'll tell you my true feelings.
Everything here is only based on how I interpret both the songs and the ships. This is really fun to make!
The songs are beautiful!
If you're looking for other ships, maybe I would want to make another post for it. That is if you guys are also kpop stans haha!
I'm also genuinely curious what songs you think would fit these rwby ships too, let me know! 🤩
#Kpop#rwby#just for fun#rwby ships#rosegarden#bumbleby#renora#blacksun#Arkos#Ruby Rose#Oscar Pine#Lie Ren#nora valkyrie#Blake Belladonna#Yang Xiao Long#Sun Wukong#Jaune Arc#Pyrrah Nikos
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The Effect You Got On Me: From The Vault (No. 2)
No. 2: don't say it hasn't crossed your mind
No. 1 // No. 3 // No. 4 // No. 5 // No. 6 // No. 7 // No. 8 // No. 9 // No. 10
Summary: Drabble collection based on the events of The Effect You Got On Me
Pairing: Kate Bishop x Reader.
Song: friendship? by Jordan Searcy
Warnings: None for this one, just wholesome friendship. However, 18+ for future parts, minors DNI.
Word count: 1.2 K
Read on AO3 // PLAYLIST
Author's Note: Another look at the friendship with a good ol' diner hang-out with Kate (Leading up to the events of Part 1). If anyone wants to be tagged, lemme know) Enjoy!
The first signs of winter lingered in the atmosphere, the cool air currents making you shiver in your heavy wool coat. You leaned on the hood of your car with your arms crossed over your chest, waiting for your friend inside the car to finish her call with who undoubtedly was her newest conquest of the week. Kate Bishop was basically a legend across campus, not only for her countless athletic achievements but for the number of girls that had tried to spend more than one night with her and failed. The brunette didn't like games and believed in unaltered honesty–every girl that ended up on her bed knew what they were getting into. Still, it didn't mean that most of them didn't think they'd be the exception to the rule.
"Sorry about that," Kate's voice snapped you out of your thoughts as she stepped out of the car. "I needed to get my affairs in order."
"Was it necessary to kick me out of the car? I know what your affairs are, you know. I didn't need to freeze out here."
"You might know what they are but you haven't listened to them," Kate pointed out with a smirk. "And for the sake of this friendship, I rather we keep it that way. Yelena couldn't look me in the eye for weeks after she heard one of my phone calls."
"Ugh, I ha-hate you," you stuttered out, your teeth clanking as another shiver ran through your spine.
"Yeah, yeah, here take this," Kate said, pulling her coat off of her and placing it over your shoulders, a hint of peppermint engulfing you immediately. "It's not even that cold, come on. I'm ravenous."
You shook your head with the hint of a smile on your lips, holding onto the ends of Kate's coat so it wouldn't fall off. She opened the door for you and walked behind you once you were inside, slipping into your usual booth in the back of the diner. While you waited for your food to arrive, you attentively listened to Kate going off on a tangent about fencing. You understood absolutely nothing but there was something very comforting in the excitement written across Kate's face while she rambled about things she loved.
"...And did you know at least one ancient Egyptian temple features a painting of a fencing match? like isn't that so cool?" Kate let out a big breath she probably didn't know she was holding. "I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I am just excited about the tournament season. It gets my blood pumping."
"No, no, don't stop, I like listening to you talk about these things," you said with a tender smile. "It's endearing."
Kate chuckled, looking down at her hands, suddenly embarrassed. "Thank you for saying that," she said quietly and she looked so soft and vulnerable you just wanted to squeeze her.
Your next thought was interrupted by the arrival of your food, two burgers, and a single strawberry milkshake to share. It was a thing that started the first time you brought Kate to that diner–there was a mix-up with your order and the waitress brought a milkshake instead of two. After coming to terms that both of you were too anxious to complain about it, and after several minutes of fighting about who'd get the milkshake, you decided to split it and laughed so much trying to figure out the logistics to not share a straw and make it awkward. It ended up being such a mess that sharing a straw didn't seem so bad anymore. By that point, it didn’t even phase you anymore, so you kept doing it.
“So, we were talking about you hooking up with someone else,” Kate stated nonchalantly, dipping one of her fries in the whipped cream of your milkshake. “I can give you some tips, you know.”
Your eyebrows rose to your hairline. “Come on, Kate, be serious.”
“I am being serious! You can’t keep mopping around for someone that doesn’t deserve you, Y/N.”
You shook your head as you wrapped your fingers around your burger, taking a bite and glaring at her as you chewed. She gave you her most innocent smile. “No.”
“Don’t they say that to get over someone you need to get under someone?”
"God, no, I couldn't," you snorted. "Call me old-fashioned but I need to have some sort of connection with someone to even think of being physical with them. I wouldn't even know where to begin if I'm honest."
"Well, do it with a friend, then," Kate shrugged, stealing a fry from your plate. "Someone you know and trust but isn't close enough to make things awkward."
"Sounds like you've done it before."
"A gentlewoman doesn't kiss and tell."
You rolled your eyes. “Even if I thought it was a good idea, which I don’t, who could I possibly ask for something like that without making it awkward?”
Kate mumbled something that sounded an awful lot like ‘I don’t know’’ which you couldn’t be sure of because she had her mouth full.
She swallowed. “I don’t know, Peter?”
“Please, we all know he’s saving himself for MJ.”
“America?”
“She’s literally my best friend, she’s going to tell me to suck it up and learn to deal with my emotions or some shit. Not happening.”
Kate winced. “She did tell me that once, you’re right.” She scrunched up her nose and took a sip from the milkshake, looking up at the ceiling as she thought of someone. “Yelena?”
“Please, she would laugh in my face and tell me,” you cleared your throat and tried your best at imitating the blonde. “That’s a Kate Bishop kind of thing, ask her.”
Kate giggled at your antics and shook her head, eyeing you curiously with a dangerous smirk on her face. “Are you asking me?”
A shiver went through your spine at the mere thought of it. Sure, girls went on and on about her skills, how she always left them wanting more even when they knew there wouldn't be another time. You'd be lying if you said you hadn't stared at her muscles while she trained on one of the many nights you were over at her house to play with Lucky.
You shook your head, scoffing. "I feel like you just ambushed me to try and add me to your list."
"Well, I didn't, but you said it so," Kate licked her lips and looked down at her food, unable to erase the smirk off her face. "You have my number if you can't think of someone else."
What? You stared at her with shock written on your face, and she held your gaze with a glint in her eyes you couldn't quite pinpoint. she bit on her bottom lip for good measure until she couldn't hold in her amused laugh anymore. You exhaled deeply, relieved.
"God, you should have seen your face," Kate muttered, the amusement still in her voice. She nudged the milkshake towards you. "Come on, drink some. You look like you're gonna pass out."
"You scared me for a moment there, Bishop."
"Is the prospect of sleeping with me such a bad thing?" Kate gasped, feigning offense. "I'll have you know I have good references."
You threw a French fry at her face, unable to stop the blush rising up your cheeks. "Shut up and eat."
TAGLIST: @sunshadesnrainbowz @imlike-so-gaydude @hopingforromanoff @ittynyte @girlssnrosess
#Kate bishop x reader#kate bishop smut#kate bishop x y/n#kate bishop x you#kate bishop x female reader#hawkeye series#marvel fanfiction#writing#the effect you got on me#kate bishop fluff
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FebruarOC - Penelope
Penelope "Nelo" Straylight is a character I created back when some friends invited me to a short-lived idea of doing a campaign of Scum & Villainy. We barely got of the ground with character plotting before it fell through, so I just had a hot muscle woman kicking around in my head with nothing to do. Her class was literally "the muscle", which for anyone who knows anything about S&V the system or just Forged games in general meant that she could have the ability that made her count as a small gang. So like, ma'am 😳
Around that time, I had also brought Kerri into the FTL space games (I originally created her for a game of Follow that was about superheroes, actually, but now she sort of lives in the sci-fi space despite also using her for City of Gulls) and I went "hehe what if I just put them together in a story".
So, you know, I did? (Kerri still kicks around with the gorls from FTL, who are Sol, Merril, and Max, but it's easier for me to use her in my own projects because it's quite literally at my own pace and I don't have to bother anyone because I'm real bad at collaborations)
The long and short of it was a vaguely political space-opera, or as I liked to call it, "space lesbians". Unlike in the FTL space games, I brought back Kerri's ability to do magic mostly because of Penelope's backstory!
For Nelo, her in-game vice was gambling. She's from a planet that is recovering from a war, and has a big para-military presence on it still, so the only interesting thing for her really is gambling. To the point where she goes massively in debt and gambles away the last thing she has on a losing hand: her own identity.
So she steals a new one: Penelope Straylight, a hunter for what the game called "mystics" but we can call Jedi. They were Jedi. And she thinks "well, it's fine, all the mystics are gone and this one was dying in a ditch on a back-water planet so no one is going to come looking for me trying to demand my participation or w/e".
Her old name had been Enise, but as these bounty-hunters stole it, it sure isn't her name anymore!
Eventually she uses what little money the identity "Penelope Straylight" had on hand to get passage off her home planet, and from there just hops around stations and planets doing odd-jobs (and gambling) until she picks up a request from Kerrigan Kestrel to be a bodyguard. Kerrigan is extremely cagey about the details, and is way too pretty to be from this ass-end of space, but she pays well enough for a cushy job of riding on a luxury cruise liner that it doesn't really mean anything at first.
Until she realizes that Kerrigan is the daughter of the leader of the big political faction.
Until she realizes that Kerrigan herself is a mystic (I call them "whisperers" in this setting).
So she's caught up in Kerri's political struggle to wrest control away from her father and stop a civil war and also the bounty hunters who have her old identity now demanding that she turn over Kerri and they can all get a big payday.
Somewhat recently I decided to combine the space lesbians with my project HOWL, because I loved the cast of HOWL but they had no plot, and I loved the space lesbians but it felt like such a huge galaxy with only the two of them. I'm still working out what this means, especially since I'm making Jack a whisperer and so I have to figure out what that means with regards to Kerri and Nelo's role in all of that.
She also has a prosthetic leg (knee down) and arm (mid-bicep down); she lost them in an accident when she was 12 (land mine), and only just recently was able to afford nicer cybernetic prosthetics -- tho they're still on the low-end of tech available. Kerri finds out when Nelo somehow manages to hurt herself while playing soccer with a bunch of kids.
You can see her pinboard here, and her playlist over here!
Today's Drabble I am cheating and using one of the OC Kiss Week drabbles, so that's a separate post.
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Oversharing on the Internet
Tagged by: @mistmarauder 🧡 (I can respond to these in a timely manner! Who knew? Though I always say waaaaay too much hence the readmore)
ONE: Are you named after anyone?
My middle name was for my mum's great-nana I think? Maybe great-grandma and I only think great-nana because we only had a great-nana. But not my first name, no.
But fun fact: My parents ONLY had one name for a girl. If my younger sibling had been born a girl they'd have been fuuuucked. (Also part of why I keep my name despite it being v much female-coded because like I earnt this. Also, like... it's my name. It fits me, thought I more often than not get confused seeing it written down because like that's my verbal name, Mayo is my written name.)
TWO: When was the last time you cried?
Last week? Little sleep + stress of moving = lots of tears at random times.
THREE: Do you have kids?
Nope! Don't have pets either. I wanna foster/adopt/support (probably older kids/teenagers) at some point but not for a few years and I absolutely do not want bio kids. Pregnancy freaks me the fuck out.
FOUR: Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Fairly often? I can't even tell anymore tbh like I just talk, even I'm barely paying attention to what I'm saying half the time!
Less so online I think (this is where people are like nah mate you do that here too) because it's definitely been misunderstood before - sometimes making me look very daft and I'm like I don't know you people well enough to say that that was what is called a joke
FIVE: What sports have you played/do you play?
I never found one I liked apart from, like, bench-ball. The fact that there aren't (that I've found at least) casual places to play bench ball as an adult is a fucking travesty.
SIX: What's the first thing you notice about people?
Their smile/laugh/sense of humour? I'm really bad with faces, but if someone laughs or makes a joke pretty soon after I meet them, I remember them a lot more easily.
Online it's definitely like the quirks of their writing style.
SEVEN: What's your eye colour?
Brown! Pretty dark brown too so like none of the "ooh it's got XYZ in it in the light" it has brown with hints of brown
EIGHT: Scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings - I am the biggest wimp with scary films. I was part of the "let's go hang in the kitchen with the leftover pizza/snacks" gang if horror films came on at a sleepover!
NINE: Any special talents?
I'm not the biggest fan of cake, but by god will I make the best cake you've tasted. I can also do a good mix CD (less good at specific playlists because playlists it's just a big mess of great songs) and I can flick through to the right page in a book for a quote pretty easily - drove some people mad in English because people would be trying to find it for like five minutes and I'd just be like drrrrrrrr (idk how to write the noise for fanning through the pages) There!
TEN: Where were you born?
At home, south of England (I'm very much Northern, being there for like two memories max one of which was falling asleep indoors doesn't count 😂).
I can't remember if it was me or my older brother this happened for, but my mum went into labour in the middle of the night and woke my dad up and was like "The baby is coming" and my dear father went "If you still think so in half an hour, wake me up again" and rolled back over. Needless to say, he was not, in fact, allowed to go back to sleep. He also hates that story so we tell it as often as possible 😇
ELEVEN: What are your hobbies?
Uhh I watch a lot of TV? 😂 I need to get more hobbies that get me outside tbh. But I podfic, I knit sometimes when I'm watching stuff and I play games when I watch stuff, I cook a lot, I bake, I like long walks on the beach actually I like reasonable length walks by rivers/green areas or along the promenade if I'm at the beach because sand (Anakin Skywalker was right and he should say it).
TWELVE: Do you have any pets?
Nope! Just moved, but I used to help look after my friends' dog every so often - she's a black cockapoo called Luna and I love her dearly but she also made me realise if I do get a dog, I don't want a puppy. They are a lot of work. Which makes sense because they are literally baby
THIRTEEN: How tall are you?
5'7", please don't ask me for the metric - I haven't had to be measured in a while so I only know it in imperial. I wanna say like 167cm maybe? Does that sound right???
FOURTEEN: Favourite subject in school?
English (Language over Lit) or French 100%. I always say that my optional GCSEs were all basically an extension of my skills in English (AKA bullshitting): Religious Studies (taught tbh as Christianity + a few other examples), French, Spanish (both still bullshitting just in another language), and Drama (absolutely bullshitting and also in my case scaring the shit out of an examiner because the plate smashed into lots of pieces that flew everywhere rather than just a few in a controlled space like it had in rehearsal)
FIFTEEN: Dream job?
God I miss working in a cafe/events. But they don't pay the bills as well! Also like I would ideally want to do my current job 3 days a week and a manual job 2 but like without having to work lots of extra hours to keep on top of both, yk?
Tagging: @glaftwlet @emryses @snapshotmaestro @idyllic-idioms @alloverthegaf and idk anyone else who wants to do it! Brain empty can't remember usernames
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Anyone Else Having Trouble Finding New Youtube Channels?
Title of this post kind of hits at the core of what I'm trying to figure out here. As the years have gone on, while my tastes and interests have expanded outward, whenever I go onto youtube, I find it tough to find anything new to watch.
When I say ‘new,’ I mean things that aren't already popping up in my subscription box, and I generally try hard to avoid the ‘recommended’ videos that Youtube gives me when I watch something else as a lot of them only feel like they're superficially related to what I'm interested in. And then there's the issue of actually trying to search for something to watch after exhausting my subscriptions.
Much like how I'd use google during the early internet days, I loved searching for really broad topics and just… browsing youtube to see what I could find. There was a weird sort of simple pleasure and joy in just exploring the very broadest of topics on a site like youtube.
Maybe I'm just having an ‘old man in my 30’s' moment, but it really does feel like places like Youtube don't want you to search anymore. They just want you to click on video after video without really thinking about what it's about or who made it, only that it's kind of, sort of, potentially still related to the topic I was listening to before, but this is one of the reasons I keep autoplay off for anything except for playlists; I don't go to youtube to play the Wikipedia game.
Obviously, there are outliers here. I've found some very nice channels through Youtube recommendations, but those have been exceptions to the rule so far. More often than not, I feel like I'm being pointed towards content mills more than anything else, and the absolute deluge of channels, especially shorts, that utilize an AI to read out a script, and just summarize the plot or surface-level themes of a movie or a game.
Thankfully, a lot of the people I follow seem very willing and able to recommending their own mutuals or folks that they follow that are related to their own content, and it feels like I've gone full circle back to when word of mouth was one of the primary means of finding something to your interest.
Does anyone else feel this way? Does it feel like you find new people to follow more from recommendations from people you already follow, or do you find these algorithmic rabbit holes helpful to your own interest? i'm very interested to hear how you all find new stuff to watch or to read?
#Youtube#Youtube Channel Recommendations#How do you guys find new stuff to watch?#Genuinely curious here
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We're playing a tag game today y'all. Put the "on repeat" playlist on spotify on shuffle and listin the first ten songs that come up. i was tagged by @keepoffthetardis (thanks😊) and I'm tagging @uozlulu @allegras-sunflower and @birdisland
These songs should be fun bc I never use spotify anymore (I use youtube music) so these songs are gonna be old.
1. When You Were Young by The Killers. I love this song. I love the early stuff the Killers did, but this is also probably one of my favorite songs of theirs. It's so damn catchy. And I don't know, I just vibe with it.
2. Hey There Delilah by Plain White Tees. I have no excuses. This song is objectively horrible. But I did once read a tumblr post about how it works as a parent to a kid, like a parent that for whatever reason can't be with their daughter and misses her and I like that interpretation a lot.
3. The Hand That Feeds by Nine Inch Nails. Ok, this is giving me Armand/Daniel vibes. Honestly, a few Nine Inch Nails songs work for them. Also, I think Anne Rice, like knew them.
4. Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet. Remember Jet y'all? They had a few really fun songs then disappeared.
5. Show Me How To Live by Audioslave. This song fucks when you are high. I feel like a teenager jamming out in my room, finally free from being around people and so finally at peace.
6. Supermassive Black Hole by Muse. Muse is also a great band to listen to high. Also, hole, heh.
7. Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand. Y'all I don't even like this song. It low key irritates me. Why did I like it? Oh, I bet for when I listened to it with my friends. One of them loved that stupid song.
8. Somebody Told Me by The Killers. Awesome song for dancing around your room in your pajamas. Very good for jumping to. Anyone else adhd just have to fucking bounce or jump sometimes? (I was undiagnosed/unmedicated till I was 30. I was living life on hard mode.)
9. Come With Me Now by Kongos. I think I did like this song at one point. And I don't dislike it now, but it's kinda meh.
10. Fade Into You by Mazzy Star. I fucking love this song. It has that dreamy, floaty feel. And I love her voice. This song can work for literally any otp, I swear, y'all
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Hi hello sorry it’s not Wednesday anymore BUT. I remember you saying at one point that you were listening to your Giyuu playlist? (am I remembering right?) and I’m. so unbelievably normal and was wondering what your top 5 songs you associate with Giyuu are. Or top 10. Or top one million. Ok thank you sorry goodbye again_(:3 」∠)_
Hi Rose👋!! welcome back to my dropbox lmao
okok so so I don't remember saying that but it's totally possible that I did. I think about blorbo a lot so I think I mentioned it
These won't be very descriptive because many of the songs are just related to emotions or specific scenarios so you'll have my 4am ramblings. lil warning, I'm a swiftie, but I have a variety of other different music tastes too. here's my top 20ish because I'm obsessed with my blorbo Giyuu Tomioka the Queen
Telephones by Vacations - "my thoughts are crawling, you're all I see" "wherever I go, you'll always be next to me" has massive brain rot energy :) he only sees his love(s) everywhere
Verbatim by Mother Mother - I kinda perceive Giyuu as someone that doesn't conform to gender norms (totally not projecting) but he would totally be unapologetic for his expression. maybe a lil oblivious but not sorry
First Love/Late Spring by Mitski - the lyrics speak for themselves of anxiety that he can't love anyone else because he's too scared to lose them. "please, hurry, leave me, I can't breathe. please don't say you love me."
Long Live (TV) by Taylor Swift - this song is specifically for my fantasy prince/knight au I made and fully fleshed out with Minecraft building and shit. the idea of happy fluffy marriage makes me giggle
Gilded Lily by Cults - self explanatory. sad song. "haven't I given enough?" "always the fool with the slowest heart" (help please he has the slowest heart because his way of communicating isn't verbal and only a very select few understand-)
Daylight by Taylor Swift - "I once believed love would be burning red, but it's golden, like daylight" kyogiyuu energy, first impression of Kyojuro's "burning red" but it turns out he's a soft "golden"
Screaming by CHVRCHES - beautiful song. it talks about the past and how time has been stolen. not knowing what side of the coin you're on and if it's wrong or not. good vibes song to look out the window to
New Year's Day by Taylor Swift - SUCH A GOOD MESSAGE SONG! it's all about the tranquility that comes with love and life, how the couple would be there for not just the fun moments but the calm or hard or maybe boring moments. also "please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere"
Money by The Drums - Giyuu would totally want to give back to the world he believes he's stolen from (he's still alive, which is something that he stole from others-) but he has nothing else to give other than hard training and killing demons, saving people when he can
Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol - this one I can't really explain. the build up and release just kinda speaks for itself. it's cathartic and makes you want to jump up and down and rip an air guitar
Don't Let Go by The Ghost Club - "I'm falling off the edge but you never ever let go" another relationship one! who woulda guessed? again, love that lasts because love is not all sunshine. it rains and pours and you have to get an umbrella. very fun to listen to!
The Mute by Radical Face - this was shown to me by a beautiful moot when my one ficlet reminded them of it. it makes sense! "if you only listen with your ears, you can't get in [my head]" (your fic today reminded me of this song too and i listened to it again after reading tehe)
Nightmares by CHVRCHES - "Another poem designed for revenge. Now I'm living a nightmare again, and it won't end.
Black Out Days by Phantogram - gives me remembering Sabito vibes. So painfully thinking of him but trying to forget him and keep that part of his mind away from now but it doesn't want to stay away. He isolates himself from his memories that he "[doesn't] even recognize [Sabito's] face"
I miss you, I'm sorry by Gracie Adams - it's less of the lyrics and more the vibes. i just kinda really like this song. "I still love you, I promise" to Sabito---
Become the Warm Jets by Current Joys - listen listen ok hear me out: slow song, sad voice, sad song, Giyuu-themed? totally feel canon with "All my life is just something I can't ignore."
A Soulmate Who Wasn't Meant to Be by Jess Benko - wow. sad angst sad song about regret because wow. just angst.
Young by Vacations - dissociation central. not knowing how things are moving and wanting things to be right and okay. that childhood innocence of want everything (read: Sabito) to be his
i love you by Billie Eilish - Giyuu being in denial of everything. How could Kyojuro say that he loves him? How could he open up so easily to Kyo? "the smile that you gave me even when you felt like dying" FFUCCK
Dress by Taylor Swift - this is that song when the pairing finally gets together after a 20K slow burn. smiles. "Carve your name into my bedpost 'cause I don't want you like a best friend."
A Love Song by Ladyhawke - happy upbeat love song. Imagine running through a crowd, holding hands, laughing and giggling as Kyo pulls Giyuu along to show him something he's excited about
I didn't mean for this to be this long (this was originally 10) but now you have 2/3 of my Giyuu playlist! I accidentally deleted my Giyuu playlist like four months ago so I'm building from the ground up unfortunately😭
I hope this satisfies your curiosity! Enjoy listening if you do!
#can you notice the point where i start mindlessly rambling? can you tell?#im so tired i have class in the morning but my mind said “we're talking about Giyuu☺️☺️!”#so have 21 songs#giyuu tomioka#my Giyuu playlist is like 30ish songs but my master is over 500#number 17 totally totally isnt the name of a fic choice on the poll i made#this was fun#i have another ask that i meed to answer and it contains a special surprise aka writing content for something i never expected to escale#saucy speaks#time for bed#maybe ill share my spotify one day#they have funny names#rose thank you for letting me talk about blorbo i appreciate seeing you in my asks#you get 4 cookies#what am i doing#i have class in the morning💀#playlist#spotify#saucy samples
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15 Questions, 15 Mutuals
Truth be told, I'm really not on this app that often, so I'm not entirely sure who's done this already. Hopefully this reaches a few of you who haven't done it yet.
Tagging @dragonedged-if, @infinite-survivor-choco, @nanashi23, @j-1173, @penspiration-writing, @late-to-the-fandom, @rexxles, @bardic-tales, @kiraofthewind, @angelasscribbles, @harinawa, @writersandpoetsunited, @isabellebissonrouthier, @alwaysastrophel, @writingpotato07.
And thanks again to @dogmomwrites for the tag!
My answers:
Are you named after anyone? I was. For trans reasons, I'm not anymore. I mean, unless you want to make a case that I was named after myself.
When was the last time you cried? I almost cried rereading Castle Swimmer just this afternoon. Does that count? (More importantly, are you intrigued? You should be. It's a very good Webtoon.)
Do you have kids? Newp. At this point in my life, that's not something I really want.
Do you use sarcasm a lot? Who, me? Never.
What’s the first thing you notice about people? Kinda depends on the person. If I'm just observing, could be hair, height, outfit, etc. Whatever stands out. If it's someone I'm talking to, I usually notice the sound of their voice first.
What’s your eye color? Blue. I always wished my eyes were brown as a kid on the basis that "blue eyes are scary". A quick Google search taught me I'm not the only one who thinks that, but it definitely confuses everyone I know irl.
Scary movies or happy endings? Yes.
Any special talents? I like to think writing and art are a couple. But as for stuff I don't post about regularly . . . I guess songwriting?
Where were you born? Texas, but I've got no memory of it. Didn't grow up there.
What are your hobbies? Writing, drawing, watching cartoons, finding a way to insert my characters into every conversation I have, collecting stuffed animals, making Spotify playlists.
Do you have any pets? Not technically mine, but my mom has a few, and I love them more than I love food, which is saying a lot. Two cats, one dog.
What sports do you play/have you played? So many. God. Softball, basketball, cross country, track/field, gymnastics, karate. I stuck with none of them.
How tall are you? Shorter than @adrielcastlyre, unfortunately.
Favorite subject in school? German and writing. 1000%. Every other subject I've ever been interested in became boring the second it was for a grade.
Dream job? Writer, surprising no one.
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september was not great folks, but we're trying <3
in the saddest realization of the season i discovered that my favorite part of the day is my 40m drive to work because it's chilly and i can see a lot of trees and the morning light and i also am in the perfect headspace to listen to Good Music and it's like when i used to make my morning playlists for opening the coffeeshop except soooo much more enjoyable
been listening to lots of holly humberstone and NF's new album and justin vernon stuff (bon iver, BRM, etc) and unfortunately gracie abrams - there's just something about all these artists being like "I AM THE PROBLEM ITS ME IM SORRY" that just speaks to me! that's not concerning at all!
laura and i talked for like two hours last night and it was like old times and god i really do miss when we'd just ride the same bus home and i could walk to her house ):
i've been trying to make taylor's chai cookies for like a week and i realized i absolutely have time to make them today so i'm trying to buck up the energy to do that in the next two hours before i have to be a person and go to a photoshoot
"good day" by olivia barton
i'm trying to get back into crying in h mart because mom finished reading it and we're supposedly buddy reading it so we can discuss it but i haven't felt like reading all month because i've been depressed...but like damn cancer sucks guys
in other news, i think because i've had such a shitty brain month this september i've almost pushed myself so far that halloween season sounds really fun!!! i'm trying to work through my halloween hate bc i think it's kind of silly and all my friends love halloween so i should love it too! and like i wanna watch spooky movies and be chilly and have FUN! god!
i kinda forgot a vital piece of jennalore which is that when i was a kid my mom's college roommate used to send us frosted sugar cookies shaped like bats every halloween and it was actually kinda the best thing ever? so i'm trying to channel that energy this season
work is batshit insane and i'm so exhausted by it i literally slept for 11hrs on like wednesday night bc i was so tired but also......when we're busy i always feel like i'm actually Doing Something and my bosses are so happy with the work i do so like.....it's good even though it's bad!
therapy has actually been really really good? like it Sucks bc it's therapy and i hate talking about my feelings but my therapist is the sweetest NB person ever and they're always just like "uhhh that's emotional abuse my dude!" and i'm so fucking excited bc at the end of october they're gonna have saturday openings which means i can finally go talk to them in person and not on my lunch break in our tiny break room!!!! at this point i have to pretend like my coworker can't hear everything i say during therapy otherwise i'd go insane so i always leave my sessions being like ......did max hear that i'm aroace and i have depression and i might be neurodivergent??? idk!!!
which speaking of, even though max and i definitely aren't like friends by any sense of the word....we are also just like having a time together! it's wild i see him most out of all the people i know but i think we're both going a little insane from the workload and being Depressed so we just spend all day being kinda wacky and for whatever reason i've reached a point where i stopped having a filter with him so i just start talking about the most random shit and he's cool with it lol
i think i might maybe be a little lonely! idk! i've been struggling to figure out what i need or who to talk to and i generally just want to talk to like two or three of my friends or my gc and everyone's just busy ): but then when i have the chance to talk to anyone and i Sit Down to try to interact bc i know some people are probably around i just get a little overwhelmed idk make it make sense!!!
and i realized i don't have a lot of IRL friends anymore bc a lot of the ones i had from the coffeeshop are Not My Friend and the ones i met on instagram are also Not My Friend and the ones i used to live with are Not My Friend and so my list of people to hang with is teeny tiny and idek what i need or want anymore so it's just my brain screaming .
the most frustrating thing rn is that i know i'm in a bad mental place however i cannot distinguish what i need! but when someone asks me what i need i get this intense panic/dread and i spiral real bad and if anyone tries to be kind to me it makes me feel worse and so it's like....i'm stuck in this stand still where i can't get what i need but i don't know what i need so i just eat cereal, listen to music, and go to bed early!!!
i don't wanna watch anything, i still haven't finished this season of only murders, i need a DVD player bc i want to watch the director's commentary of hill house, there's a bunch of shows and movies coming out soon that i feel overwhelmed by at the moment and it's just like !!! this is all so unfair
and i need to make all these appointments like getting my oil changed and going to the doctor for my annual but i cannot bring myself to do those things but also like should i ask my doctor about medication for depression??? surely it isn't that serious but like maybe it is idk!!!!
the depression isn't as bad as it's been in the past (i think?) like i felt a lot more hopeless in 2017 and i think a lot of that is because i do have a support system and a therapist and a good paying job and things to look forward to but like i'm very aware that many days i do just feel that feeling of "everything is meaningless and nothing will bring me joy ever again" so it's like !!! idk!!!! maybe i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i'm not that bad when in actuality i am!!!
i've just been stuck in that space of middle limbo with all my "diagnoses" that i cannot rationally understand if i'm allowing myself to see myself the way i am? like i always felt like i wasn't depressed enough to be Depressed bc i'm not suicidal but like ??? that's silly !!! maybe i am Depressed!!!!! but i don't even know how to go about getting meds and what they would do and it's almost more overwhelming to think about that than to just be depressed ): bc i still am convinced a lot of it comes down to the heat and the lingering effects of summer
but now i'm thinking about 2021 when it was the bad times and i stopped working on creative stuff or literally any year from 2017-2020 when i just spent the early fall Not Creating and having a crisis that i'd never create again and it's like.............is that bc i'm always depressed around this time? it's comforting bc i know life is seasons and i will come back around to making things and doing my silly projects but it's just sort of making me wonder how it would be different if i tried to find a way to get meds ....like would that Fix Me....would that Solve the Problem....what if it doesn't! what if i'm not depressed enough for that!
(this is all just thoughts, i'm fine, etc, just haven't let myself fully think about the depression this month bc i don't think there's a solution rn i'm just trying to get through it)
anyway, "good day" by olivia barton
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