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call-me-copycat · 2 months

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Hey! Idk if you still write fics but if you do. Could you please write about Aizawa having a daughter who selfharms, but he didnt knew until one day he entered to her room and find her doing it?.

Its kind of an emergency so i would really apreciate if you wrote it 🩷

Hi! I'm really sorry for the slight delay, I've been bouncing between school during the day and work at night, so even though I saw your ask I couldn't physically write it due to exhaustion (⑉ ᷄ ⌳ ᷅ )ก

That being said, even though it's been a couple days I didn't want to leave you hanging! I got some rest and wrote as much as I could in one sitting!

I really do hope this helps, feel free to message me anytime if you need to vent or such ₍ᐢ‥ᐢ₎ ♡

What I Owe To You

*I listened to this on loop while writing*

➤ Welcome - Introduction and Request Rules (Requests are open + Some info about me)

▶ Characters: Just Aizawa and Reader

▶ Genre: Comfort + Slight Angst

▶ Summary: As the ask states

▶ Word Count: 2925

▶ WARNINGS:

- Self harm

- Depressive thoughts

- Overall lots of angst

Please don't read if any of this makes you uncomfortable!

The cycle always went on.

At this point you were afraid of what was to happen next. At the same time, the thought was pushed away by the constant emptiness that filled you through. The sticky tar-like hands of this unknown void ravaged your mind, shredding it apart piece by piece.

Leaving you constantly feeling... Hollow. It was difficult to describe it as anything else.

You walked to school everyday and went to your classes. You sat next to your classmates as they animatedly discussed the usual topics of training and what to do after school.

On the weekends, you slept. Sometimes went shopping with your father. Maybe you'd get visited by your Uncle Mic, other times you'd train.

There wasn't much variety. It was suffocating. These feelings had no place to spawn from, as your life wasn't much different from everyone else's. There didn't seem to be a reason, for all you knew. But it was there, no doubt about it. It made itself known.

It was a usual Friday night. You had completed all your classes and had the weekend to yourself. It felt pointless, there wasn't much to do. Nor did you have the energy for anything either.

Sitting in your room, you jumped a bit at the unexpected knock on your door. You had been gazing out of your bedroom window for who knew how long, zoning out as far from your mind as you could. You vaguely remembered that a storm was to come soon.

"Dinnertime. Wash up and come to the table when you're ready."

Your father's voice never failed to comfort you, and in a way he was one of the main beacons of light in your dark and foggy world. An unchanging pillar of strength, he held on tight to your cracking mind.

Slowly, tiredly, you made your way out of your room. As you passed by Aizawa, he couldn't help but sigh in response to your barely-there smile at him. You had a habit of doing that, possibly to keep him from worrying.

Truth be told, Aizawa always worried about you. Ever since you were young, he was on guard every second, trying to keep you from falling and scraping your knees, to keeping an eye on you during training.

Though recently, he had noticed some... changes. Your eyes began to grow dull, and their usual energy faded with each passing day. The bags under them grew more prominent, and in turn your hair began to be left more of a mess. Slowly, little things were building up, and he couldn't tell why.

It worried him sick, since the only thing he had in mind for you was for you to be happy and safe. Seeing your condition worsen with each day made him nauseous, as it was the last place he wanted you to be at. He wanted to help you, the best he could.

So that's why before you even sat down to eat, he began to question you.

"Are you feeling okay, [Name?]"

Truth be told, he knew you'd say you were fine. He just needed to soothe his frantic mind.

Looking up at him, you gave him another smile. He couldn't help but grimace at how forced it looked.

"Oh, of course I'm fine." You clenched your jaw at how unenthusiastic you sounded, but it would have to do.

Aizawa only felt uneasy. Too many things added up and gave him a weird taste in his mouth to leave it at that.

"Look at me, [Name]."

The unusual tone of his voice brought you out of your foggy state of mind as you looked up at him fully. Once you met his eyes properly, Aizawa took notice of the... Saddened expression that filled yours. He knew someone was wrong, but it was being covered.

"You'd tell me if something was wrong, right?"

He needed to know if you trusted him. He needed to be the one person you trusted in life. This was all or nothing.

Your eyes went wide for a split second as your breath hitched, but you quickly shook it off. His bluntness was what caught you off guard.

"Really, it's nothing Papa." You tried smiling once more, raising a hand out a bit in an attempt to calm him. You knew it was a pitiful attempt, but you didn't have the energy to make it convincing. Alongside that, Aizawa was generally a very tough man to fool. It'd take a lot to actually pass anything through him.

Aizawa's eyes narrowed in response as he saw your reaction to his question. Your body language indicated how uncomfortable you were, and he didn't want to push you too far past your limits.

It was tough, but he decided to give it up in the end and hope you'd come to him whenever you were ready. You always shared everything with him since you were young, and he had gained a large amount of trust over you in turn.

Dinner was eaten in silence, and as soon as it was over you bid your father a goodnight before heading off to your room.

Aizawa stayed seated at the kitchen table as he watched you walk off, wondering what was happening to his child. He couldn't bear the thought of you struggling with something alone. He had been there your whole life to help you get through everything you passed by, so why weren't you letting him in now?

After much deliberation, he got up from his spot at the table and made his way to your room. He needed to finish this conversation, and he needed to know what was going on. His mind had been sprawled all over the place for the last few months, as he'd been observant enough to catch on to the smallest changes you went through. Seeing you go into such a decline was like a punch straight through to his heart.

His mind was in such a haze that he threw open your door without second thought, seeing as he normally takes care to knock first. The room was pitch black, but based off of the startled gasp that came from you and the clanging of metal hitting the ground, Aizawa felt his blood freeze in fear.

Quickly flipping on the light, his eyes widened at the site that laid in front of him. You didn't have any time to cover yourself, so Aizawa saw it all.

The bandages laid out.

The blades.

And most importantly, your cuts.

You felt your eyes water at the expression on your father's face, guilt and self-loathing bleeding into your mind.

Aizawa was stuck in shock for a moment. It felt as though all time was warped as he saw what was his worst nightmare laid out in front of him. He was quickly snapped back to reality at the sound of your sobs that echoed throughout the room.

He swiftly made his way towards you from across your room, and in one smooth movement he pulled you into his lap, hugging you tightly to himself.

He had known something was wrong, felt it deep in his heart, but he didn't realize how serious it truly was. His heart ached for you as his grip only grew tighter around you. Aizawa didn't want you to hide these things from him, and in a way, he felt disappointed at your lack of trust towards him. All his disappointment and anger quickly dissipated, leaving him to face his worry and guilt.

"[Name]..."

He could hear his voice tremble, but couldn't care less.

"Why? I-" He was stuck in shock. It was something he never thought he'd run into. Looking down at you, his worry for your well-being grew tenfold, but he gathered the willpower to overcome the sudden surge of emotions he was feeling.

"I want... I need you to promise me you'll never harm yourself again," He looked down at you, cradled in his arms, "I don't think I could ever bear the pain of losing you..."

He knew this was only one step of many. That it doesn't start like this. That it grows. Although he couldn't pinpoint what might've started it, he at least needed to confirm you'd be safe. He just needed this one thing to give his already worn heart a little bit of ease.

You couldn't help but recoil a bit, bringing your arms to hug your torso. As much as you wanted it to be that easy, as much as you wanted to tell your father 'okay!', you knew it wouldn't be done so fast. And in a way, that only worsened your resentment towards yourself.

"I... don't know if I can.." You avoided his gaze as you faced the ground, hating how saddened he was and much rather preferring him to be angry. It'd lessen the guilt a little bit, at least.

He needed something.

"[Name]... I can't make you promise me you'll be able to stop right away. That's foolish to believe." Heaving out a sigh, he put a hand atop your head. "But I just need you to know that I'd be devastated without you. I can truly say from the bottom of my heart, I'd never be able to live a normal life again if you were gone."

Looking up into his eyes, you saw a heaviness that swirled in them. This was coming from a man who had seen it all - numerous deaths in ways he wished he could unsee.

You hadn't realized just how much you meant to him. It never popped up in your head. The all-consuming void had blocked any sensibility or logic from getting to you, and the more you thought about it, the more you realized just how much it would affect your father. He always told you your pain was his to deal with too.

Settling your face in the crook of his neck so you wouldn't have to see the hurt in his eyes anymore, you tried your best to explain everything to him.

"It feels..." Closing your eyes, you tried imagining everything that has built up. "Like I'm running a race, yet getting nowhere. That everything I do has no effect... I'm tired."

You stayed silent as you felt your father put a hand on the back of your head. Aizawa watched as you carefully pieced your words together, and saw the true effect of everything you had been dealing with. His heart ached to relieve you of your pain, his fatherly instincts screaming at him to help save his child.

"[Name]." His grip on you tightened ever so slightly. "I want you to get this through your head, alright? You are not a failure. You're going through a lot, and it's weighing down on you. And I understand you're under a lot of pressure, but-"

Aizawa was cut off when he began to choke up, the thoughts too much for him to bear. As much as he tried to keep his composure for your sake, his walls were beginning to crack.

You heard your father pause and looked up at him, only to be brought into shock at the sight of your normally stoic father tearing up. You felt ashamed for forgetting about his pain, tearing up once more at the guilt that ravaged your mind.

He could see how surprised you were, but he couldn't help it. He always struggled to contain himself when it came to you, especially whenever you were hurt. He hated seeing you in pain.

"Do you have any idea what it would do to me if I lost you? I- ... [Name], if anything happened to you, I don't know what I'd do anymore, I'd-"

He truly couldn't help it. All that Aizawa wanted was for you to be happy. Seeing you in so much agony... seeing your only escape being to harm yourself... He felt that he lost a part of himself.

You cried out loud this time, seeing your father so torn over you. It was heartbreaking, but oddly soothing at the same time. To have someone to deeply care about you that they felt intertwined with you. He cared.

You could feel his arms engulfing you, and you allowed yourself to be swallowed in his hold. It was warm and soothing... A stark contrast to the cold you constantly couldn't escape from.

As he held you, Aizawa couldn't help but be more shocked at himself than anyone. He normally was able to easily retain his composure, so as he felt tears flowing down his face he couldn't help but stiffen. Quickly getting over it, he held you close. The room gradually began to get quieter, the both of your emotions slowing down.

You couldn't help but feel... Secure. It was a stark contrast to the constant void you felt. You felt... Warm.

Yeah, warm.

It was a nice feeling.

Closing your eyes, you finally allowed your body to relax. Aizawa rubbed your back as he gently rocked back and forth.

"I just want you to breath. Don't think about anything else."

Following his word, you kept your eyes closed and settled your breathing. You quickly noticed how much easier it was to think this way. Nothing else was getting in the way, no unwanted thoughts or fears, and you felt safe. Safe and comfortable.

The world around you normally was so chaotic. It seemed everyone was in a rush, always somewhere to be. You couldn't have time to yourself either, constantly getting pushed to and fro. There never seemed to be a place to stop. Nowhere to rest. An unchanging race.

But here you were. The world has stopped, giving you a break you so badly needed. You couldn't describe it, but such a simple hug from your father seemed to dull everything that pained you.

"I understand what it's like."

Aizawa would be lying if he said he was never in your place before. Too many nights he was kept up, worrying about working on himself. Scared of the changing future. Feeling like nothing was changing for him while the world moved on. It was isolating.

Over the years, he got better. The world's rush blurred to background noise, and he learned to appreciate his own speed in life. It was his own life he was living, after all.

Looking down at you, he saw a mirror image of himself.

"Y'know, it's not fair..." You looked up at him as he brushed away a lone tear from your cheek with the pad of his thumb. "You allow me to laugh with you in your happiest moments... So why do you lock me out when you're at your lowest?"

You had never heard it phrased like that before. You did enjoy having him around whenever you had something good to share. Whenever you were proud, or amazed, or just plain happy. But you understood, he wanted to be a part of it all. Every smile... And every tear.

Your voice couldn't find you, but Aizawa didn't mind. To you, he was always a hand outstretched. A guide to help you through the fog and the dark. It made the terrifying a little less daunting.

"Please talk to me when you can. Tell me whatever you'd like, I just want to know how you're feeling."

You nodded, looking at him directly. Your heart rate had gone down significantly, and you didn't know how much time had passed. If you listened carefully, you could hear the distance rumble of an oncoming storm, thunder booming on the horizon.

There was a pregnant pause before he started once more.

"Tomorrow, we'll need to get your injuries looked over-"

Seeing a look of fear cross your expression, he was quick to calm you.

"I'll be with you. The entire time. You won't have to deal with living life alone. I understand it's frightening to look at, but let me hold some of the weight you own."

You watched as Aizawa stretched out his hand, offering it to you. Looking at it, you thought back to all the times he'd helped you in the past. Every time he's offered his hand out to you.

All the times you were too scared to cross the road when you were little. Every time you felt too suffocated by the number of people surrounding you. Or even when it was just the two of you, silently walking home together in the warm afternoon sun.

He always offered you support, for every little thing life had to throw at you. Aizawa's expression softened when you gently put your hand in his, no hesitation in your movements.

Clasping his fingers over yours, you saw how your hands intertwined. And you realized, he was always there to take some of the pain from you - acting like he was a part of you.

"You get it now, huh?" Looking up into his eyes one more time, you thought you saw a sparkle in them. "Whenever you bring pain to yourself," He squeezed your hand a little tighter, "you're hurting me right alongside with you. I need you in one piece, kid."

You breathed out, everything a little clearer now. There was so much more to do. So much to go through. It was a formidable thought.

But as you looked up into your father's eyes and as you felt his hand in yours, you realized;

You weren't alone.

You really did owe him the world.

During my lowest moments, Aizawa was always a huge character I relied on to get me through it. I will always write comfort for him to anyone who asks.

I hope you have a lovely day, and I hope things get just a little easier for you, you definitely deserve it (*´艸`)ﾌﾌﾌｯ♡

➜ Please let me know if I missed any warnings/triggers in the tags or in the opening!

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celaenaeiln · 5 months

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Okay, so I've been scouring your blog these past few days, and ughh, it feels so good to find someone who actually seems to understand who Dick is! His eldest daughter complex is something I relate to so much, and was the thing that really drew me in. A lot of people look at the mediation and emotional weight lifting, (and those are huge parts of it, don't get me wrong,) but something else I find very eldest child is the way his own relationship with Bruce has continued to take hits all so Bruce can have better relationships with the others. Like when you're the oldest your parents make so many more mistakes with you. I also can't help but feel like it's got to be so hard as Dick to look at the way Bruce is with Tim/Dami/Cass, and wish that he could have that kind of relationship with his Dad. They want to be jealous of the trust, think he's the golden child, and yet at the same time, he's wishing he had something more resembling the true parent/child relationship the others got. (Idk maybe I'm projecting, but oh lord I go absolutely feral for eldest daughter Dick, it just hurts so good)

og post in reference

Yes! I'm so glad you brought that up!!

In terms of parenting, and why I don't really write about Bruce being a parent to Dick, is because Dick is kinda a guinea pig, as my engineering teacher put it once.

He was the Bruce's first for everything. First friend, first partner, first son - he just took responsibility for all roles. It makes things even worse because Bruce at the time he took in Dick, he had only been Batman for three years. Three. And he was literally drowning under the weight of the mask until he found Dick. There's a reason why Dick is Bruce's is right hand man and that's because Dick's been with him through everything. When Bruce was struggling and almost giving into his obsession, Dick was there to pull him out of it.

He quite literally mothered Bruce through his feelings, asking if everything was okay, what's wrong, watching him constantly and guaging his mood. This is exhausting work because Dick's mind was always on Bruce's mental state, much like a mother worried constantly about her teenage daughter or a father about his son.

That adoption scene where Dick asks Bruce, "why didn't you adopt me?" That's the realization of eldest daughter syndrome brought up.

Up until then, Dick was completely fine with being the caretaker for Bruce and lifting him up. He parented Bruce for so long and so smoothly, neither fully realized how much Dick was doing for him until he left. When Bruce adopts Jason, that's when Dick realizes there's something wrong with their dynamic.

I don't know if at that time Dick really wanted to be adopted or if he felt neglected because that he's wasn't while another was. But one thing he feels isn't jealousy, he's very clear on that, but Dick feels hurt.

Was there something he did wrong that caused Bruce to do that? What he do differently? What could he have done better? These types of questions constantly cloud his brain because he's gotten so used to taken care of his guardian for two decades now that he must feel hurt on some level even if he never expresses. He wouldn't begrudge his siblings because he feels happy Bruce isn't making the same mistakes to them that he did with Dick but at the same time, it's just exhausting for him.

Bruce might have improved but he isn't the best, so now he's busy taking care of both his brothers and sisters and his father. He also has to take care of his friends too.

He has the weight of the world on his shoulders but the worst part for him isn't the actual the weight - it's the realization that he's holding the weight. Because before he could live on in ignorance and bliss that Bruce was always going to be this way, and taking care of him would naturally just be Dick's job. He's so used to it, he's been doing it since he was eight.

But now, he knows what he's doing, he knows he's not supposed to, but he must. Because they rely on him, but also because that's what Bruce made him into. And I think that hurts the most for him.

He'll feel conflicted about it because on one hand, he loves Bruce. He loves him so much, he'll do anything for him. But also what about all those missed opportunities? Could he have been something different? Maybe he could've hung out with the Titans more if he didn't have to deal with bruce constantly demanding his presence. Maybe he could've joined a new class he never thought he would try.

Dick doesn't regret what he did and if he could go back in time, he would do it all over again but...he probably feels melancholic again. To love a parent so much you sacrifice your happiness over and over again so they can be happy while you're forced to grow up early. Dick's personality itself just lends itself to helping others but constantly taking care of your parent?

He's happy but he feels helpless and sad so he stays silent about it all.

It's said that Eldest Daughter Syndrome can make women feel overburdened, stressed out, and constantly responsible for others.

More signs include having a strong sense of responsibility (leading the batfam and hero teams), feeling a need for control (him fighting for his independence against Bruce and fighting to take care of his own teams), carrying the heavy weight of parents' expectations (his entire monologue in Nightwing 1996 about his feelings towards Bruce), perfectionism (Roy grouching about Dick's perfectionist tendencies to Kori in Outsiders and Roy yelling at Batman for it in Batman Plus), struggling with same-age relationships (dating older), and feeling resentment towards family (his outsiders era was him just resenting Bruce in the beginning).

He's been parenting Bruce for so long he was forced to grow up prematurely. I mentioned in my compartmentalization post when Dick's parents have literally just died. And he's forcing himself to act happy because he doesn't want Bruce to feel guilty and upset about not catching their murderer yet. That's not a responsibility a child should have - pretending everything is fine so as not to worry their family. That's the role of a parent. He's taking parenting his own parent because his actual one is incapable of doing so.

But Bruce's greatest fear is that by taking in Dick, he deprived Dick of opportunities to shine. To live in the limelight. And Dick knows everything about Bruce, so he knows Bruce's worst fears. And for this reason, out of the love that he has in his heart, Dick will never tell Bruce if he's hurt him because this is directly connected to his worst fear.

And that hurts. Because vocally releasing anger and sorrow is cathartic but to have it build up silently inside and letting it sink beneath the waves each time is painful.

#dick grayson #nightwing #bruce wayne #batman #eldest daughter syndrome #anon I can't begin to tell you how much I understand #it's exhausting #cl anon asks #thanks for the ask!#anon you inspired me to make a post about this that I'll upload later

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alexturne · 6 months

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I'm having a lot of thoughts and idk if I've fully thought it all out, but I needed to get it down and try to work out how I feel about it all..

I genuinely don't think this whole "discourse" is what's happening. I'm sure they just really wanted to do the whole bit with the strings and that's all.

Nothing to do with Alex and Miles being less close than they once were. Nothing to do with their relationship being less profound than it has always been. They're super important people in each other's lives and there comes a point when you've been that for someone for so long that it no longer requires constant reconfirmation. Their friendship is so solid, so deeply rooted within them both, that they don't need to perform together to assure themselves that they're good. There's no question. They're friends, and they always will be, no matter how much time passes, they'll always be there for each other. I have no doubt about that.

And they asked Miles to come along, they knew they could count on him to make it and do an amazing show, even on short notice. And Miles was there watching, having fun, riding the high of his own show, and I bet it doesn't hurt him the slightest bit not playing 505 with them. And neither does Alex not joining him for a tlsp track. And it's just very fun to watch Miles do such a great job on such a massive stage and to watch Alex (maybe) send some inside jokes his way, and definitely acknowledge his presence more than he has for any other opening act.

Miles has enjoyed playing a couple of the more Miles centric tlsp tunes during the last year at his own shows, and he probably just took them off the setlist when they figured out they wouldn't have the time/energy to rehearse and work it all out. And to not lead anyone on and create false hope that Alex might show up. It's been a long time since they've done it. And Alex is the sort of guy who has probably forgotten his own lyrics, and would require more time and brain capacity to practice to get it in order. Or something else that is perfectly reasonable.

Like, I'm all for delusions but I guess I'm just saying that I don't think it's that deep. They're friends. Close friends. Very important to each other. (Maybe more if that's how you choose to view it). And I bet they don't even think about the shows in the same terms as we do, every little thing doesn't matter as much to them as it does to us. Not everything is a "sign" and there are so many pragmatic and logistical reasons that play into a tour like this that we know nothing about.

I bet Alex is exhausted, excited for the tour to be over and to get to go home and rest, I know I would be! Even if he has loved every bit of it, I would be completely worn out and just ready to go home. But I bet they were also so excited to have the strings and they wanted to really have them shine during the set. It was their show. The Monkey's show, and they finally had the chance to let the vision they had for the album come to life. What an amazing end of the tour.

I won't get too much into why they haven't utilized the strings sooner, because they obviously could've and I don't get why they didn't, and maybe they could've skipped the strings on 505 and had Miles up for it instead. It would've been incredible. So much potential. A lot of fans would've been pleased bout that, and I know they'd enjoy it and have fun playing together too.

But they didn't, and even if I would love to know the actual reason, I'm choosing to let it go and assume there is a very logical and reasonable explanation, and not some big dramatic fallout going on. I can be disappointed about not seeing them, but I don't think it "means" anything in the grander scheme of things.

Miles could've played with them (assuming he doesn't for the last one either), and I won't get into that discussion too much either, because ofc they could have done it together, but so many things had to work out and maybe Miles just wanted to do his own thing. Maybe they never got around to having the conversation, maybe something entirely different happened. We don't know.

And yes ofc I'm disappointed that we didn't get to see them together, I won't deny it. I would've loved it, both as a fan of their music and performances and as a tiny little happy milex lover, my shipper and fic writer heart would've been so so pleased about it. But we didn't get it this time around, and that doesn't mean that their friendship is over or that they hate each other or that they're not close anymore or that they don't love each other anymore. And it doesn't mean that we won't ever see them play together again.

I think they would love to perform together again, but I would assume they also have so many other things they love to do too. So many other things that require their energy. Even together, but also just their personal dreams and wants in life.

They're both into the idea of tlsp being back someday, but as it has always been with them, tlsp will return when the time is right, when it happens naturally. That's the beauty of it. It's something that just happens and that's why they both love and enjoy it so much, I think. It's about freedom and spontaneity, it's without boundaries, it can't be planned or controlled, it's a beautiful chaos between two close friends who love to make music together, and who are incredibly talented at it. But they're also artists who have other ambitions. Other projects they love.

And their friendship doesn't depend on tlsp releasing new music. It is a product of their beautiful friendship, but the friendship came first. Them not writing together right now actually says absolutely nothing about the current state of their friendship. Which we have seen signs of being as healthy and strong as ever, if a bit more private than it used to be. And that's fine. They're super private people, and honestly I would have much more reason to worry for their friendship if they suddenly started posting about it all the time and parading each other around. They're not like that and they never will be and that's fine.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

Yes, they're being dumbasses - both the band and our dear milex boys, throughout the whole tour - with not utilizing the strings earlier on the tour, not playing more of The Car on the setlist, not skipping more of AM, not taking advantage of ALL THAT POTENTIAL. They could've done the strings for Glastonbury, it would've been perfect. They could've easily included Miles in a few more gigs (it was sooooo lovely when they did), these last ones in particular, and it would've been so beautiful and meaningful and they would've had so much fun with it - they could've made so many better decisions than they did. The whole tour came with some question marks. We can all agree on that. They're being stupid and they seem to not always think very far ahead, and sometimes forget to use their brains, and I assume that's why they end up not having time to rehearse and work things out sooner, and that is honestly just so dumb of them. They could be doing so much more and I hope some things will improve next time.

But either way - the tour is over and I've loved every second of it.

The new album is super gorgeous and it finally got the string section it deserved. What an amazing finish to the tour. I sincerely hope they will be bringing a lot of The Car back next time around.

Deeply in my own heart I wish we would see Alex and Miles on stage together again soon, but at the same time, I wish Miles the very best with his own work, he truly deserves all the success in the world. And I hope Alex will get some well-earned rest and time off. I hope he will go free of paparazzi and find peace and quiet after this insanely taxing year, and I hope he finds bunches and bunches of inspiration for new songs. I hope tlsp will be back sooner rather than later and I hope they're happy.

I've loved getting to follow the tour, I've loved being on here freaking out with you guys, and I will miss getting to see their little faces everyday. Truly.

But I think it's so well deserved for them to take a break and I hope they will be back soon.

#this is so rambly and maybe ill backtrack later if my thoughts and feelings change #but i feel like its good to try and be reasonable about it all #and try to see it from their perspective #just to keep our own hearts calm too #assuming he doesn't join for the last show either #judt trying to clear my own head #arctic monkeys

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vtforpedro · 4 months

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long life update - TWs in tags

It feels like it's been ages. I'm so exhausted and in a lot of physical pain. Going on two months of it being the worst it's been right after a couple of months of the best it's been. Chronic pain + grief + trying to get help from doctors who should have their licenses revoked + dealing with a shit relationship with my mom + a good, decades-long friendship ending + the ongoing disability process with the SSA + LAW FIRMS.

I'm so fucking tired. I don't remember if I updated that the appeals council decided not to review my case because the 'judge followed the law' except that he didn't. So, as it turns out, my original attorney (and he did not tell me this) before he left, wrote that if they denied me, it should go to federal district court.

I'm now working with a NY law firm to take my case to federal court because my current law firm believes it has merit, and I guess they do, too. That's how fucked the decision was, and I'm glad my initial reaction of bewilderment and anger was spot on lol

The good news is, it should only take another year! ._.

My neurologist is the worst doctor I have ever come across and I'm quite literally stuck with him with nowhere else to go. I wish him upon no one. I'm so tired of calling the SSA, getting documents to them, signing things for law firms, contacting law firms, getting no responses, and contacting them all over and over again. I am in incredible physical pain, like this actively makes my neuro stuff worse. Everything makes it worse. I have autonomic testing in a few days, and idk if I'll get through it b/c I have to stop the meds that keep me out of the ER two days prior, and it scares me.

My relationship with my mom is fractured and I don't feel like family therapy is actually helping. I had to end a friendship with someone I love and care very much about but who was growing too comfortable mistreating me and I was giving them too many passes 😞 I've known them for the better part of two decades.

It's been over seven months since my cat Isis died. I don't know how. It feels like she was here just yesterday. Yet, all the nights I've sat and talked to her and wept are all too real. I miss her more than I can say. She was my soul cat. I keep thinking about tomorrow and how she'd be so nosy getting into EVERYthing when gifts are opened at Christmas. Having to stop her, move her, laugh because she was just so n o s y and it was hilarious. And she's not gonna be here for that ever again.

I'm having a really fucking hard time tonight. It's just hitting me how god-awful this year has been and how I have a bad week to look forward to before even getting to the new year lmao I have to stop taking so many of my medications 48hrs before 1.5-2hrs of testing to see if we can find out Yet Another Thing Wrong With Me but knowing my luck it'll be 'no findings' and the mystery of why my core body temp plummets to 93.9 in the blink of an eye won't be solved until I have suffered juuuuust enough.

It never ends. Never. I want to give up. I'm so tired of doing this. I don't want to anymore. It never. fucking. ends.

I absolutely cannot say it's all been bad, though. I've met incredible, warm, welcoming, giving, kind people this year. Y'all have helped me more than you know and I'm so so so lucky to be able to call you my friends. This year has sucked for so many of us, but I want to say I'm proud of you, and I love you all very much.

My fic is gonna be printed in a hardcover zine early next year. I participated in a Big Bang for the first time and that'll also go out early next year. I'm hosting a tiny event in my tiny fandom server that I'm super excited about. I have a raffle prize to write (bagginshield !!!! SO EXCITED to revisit the og otp) and a Valentine's gift to write for another fandom.

I posted 401,000 words this year and wrote many more unfinished wips, plus a long one (90k) that I am very invested in finishing.

I painted and drew so much this year. I improved a lot, too! I got a couple of portraits printed from inprnt to see how they looked, and it was MY art, and they were GORGEOUS. I thought I would hate seeing my art professionally printed, but no! I almost cried. They looked so lovely.

My cat Lilly had health issues almost immediately following Isis's passing, but she is doing so well right now. She's blossomed into another cat, and while she's not my constant companion, she is with me so much more than she used to be. When she walks onto my desk I am to stop everything and hold her like baby in my arms until she decides that's enough (or I really need to move) lmaaao she's such a goober. My heart cat. <3

I'm not doing well right now--my MH is bad. Especially tonight. But it felt good to write the good things.

I'm sorry for my lack of replies and kinda disappearing. I'm running on fumes. I hope next year will bring physical relief so emotional relief can happen.

For those of you facing difficulties of any kind, I am holding your hand in spirit.

#vtforpedro personal #vtforpedro medical #tw mental illness #tw medical #tw depressing stuff #tw pet loss #I always wish I have something better to write #gonna try to do everything in my power to make that happen next year

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deepwithintheabyss · 7 months

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about your dad jason post. um. pls tell me more this sounds very interesting

Haha you have fallen into my trap >:D

(there was no trap)

Okay so basically this idea was supposed to be like SUPER angsty but then idk baby fever or something took over? I was possessed by the ghost of a tired mother of two children? I have no idea this idea wildly spiraled out of control and feels like I am channeling my own exhausting experiences with dealing with children into it which is weird because I've like never really had to take care of any children....

ANYWAY

To sum up as to how this happened, Tim got hit by something that de-aged him and slowly was erasing his memory, he and Jason were trying to reverse it before he lost all his memories but didn't manage to find something, upon Tim's request Jason ensured the BatClan would not be taking care of toddler Tim and instead is the one doing it

So now Jason is just, trying to deal with a toddler while trying to be a vigilante while trying to further their research into how to turn Tim back because the magic users can't help while trying not to have a breakdown over the fact that he's falling in love with taking care of a child (being a dad) and fearing about the "what if I never manage to turn him back I can't take care of him forever I would have to give him away to someone" and the "oh no when he turns back this might ruin our relationship I promised Tim I wouldn't let the BatClan take him in not that I would take care of him" while also stressing over the fact that he's like going through a lot of Tim's and his families personal stuff in his research and kinda slowly starting to gain and entire new view of Tim (that isn't helped by the little Tyke (and god do I love that word) but that he can at least try to reassure away with "this child isn't Tim")

Anyway yeah it's incredible cute and stressful moments of Jason taking care of a toddler while also angsty reminders that this isn't meant to last at all and that he probably won't get to have this for long or ever again.

(There's also the thought of maybe exploring the angsty idea more of why someone would want to have a tool that de-ages and memory vibes someone (in a way so that they regain their memory while growing up but having it more yknow, distant) and some ideas of hinting at Ra's being involved maybe, and like the entire thing with the BatClan in general which might just be a misunderstanding etc. but I'm not sure how much drama I want? Because I hate it when stories add so much unnecessary drama I want to keep it simple)

Anyway then the second story would (hopefully) be Tim and Jason trying to navigate their relationship post reversal and how to deal with the situation and all the memories and their view on the other person and their own feelings on that matter and some others (romantically feelings heh) and how they would rationalize that to each other and to everyone else

This turned very rambly and there is still some missing but eh

#the abyss speaks #my asks #Dad!Jason au #waffleinator-inator

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kqluckity · 2 months

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Did something happen with qsmptwt giving us a bad rep? I avoid that app like the plague

oh boy where do i start

the most recent stuff i think started when some dipshit over here was just. so fucking mean to tubbo and tubblings for no fucking reason? they were talking about how tubbo and tubblings ruined qsmp, how they all have a weird obsession (as if you don't need a weird obsession to enter a fandom?), and how they "can't wait for tubbo to leave the server for good", someone reposted a screenshot of said asshole's anon ask (because yeah. it was a coward who sent it on anon to someone else), and everyone over there started acting like we all agree with that person (we don't btw fuck that anon and fuck whoever agreed with them. tubblings get behind me!)

then, and it didn't start here but I'm adding it because it also spread here, cellbit's ex recently and out of the blue accused him of sa and people started hating him even more and being incredibly xenophobic (and i mean. more than they were already :/) to pretty much any and all brazilian qsmp fans (idk if i can find the thread i saw with the comments but... yeah they were awful) for supporting him. that forced cellbit to speak out and share his side of the story, which is honestly heartbreaking. all I'm going to say about it is: i read the whole document and it's fucking awful what he's had to go through constantly for all these years, and it sucks that he had to share some of the very personal things he had to share so people would believe him, i hope he really gets to heal from now.

^ this didn't really give us a bad rep I don't think? but it's another reason why some of us don't really like qsmptwt

and the last one I'm aware of is a lot less serious and more silly i guess? but I've seen people complain about the way we treat qbad (we're apparently too "comfortable" "breaking bad's boundaries" because of the pregnancy stuff)(even though we're talking about his character.) and I've seen people who dislike the fact that we use ship names (especially bagina) and complain about it like we're some awful people or something 🤷🏻

basically... it's a lot of stuff, i really hope this was exhaustive enough? i tried rereading what i wrote but I'm very tired, so if there is any grave error or something missing let me know and I'll correct it. tomorrow.

#really hope I didn't miss anything btw #tw twitter #discourse #twitter discourse #qsmp #mcyt tag

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lilredghost · 6 months

Text

Tagged by @ragnarlothcat (hey I hope you feel better soon! I am making you soup and lending you my favourite blanket!!) and @wibzenadarksiderwithasoftheart

1.) How many works do you have on ao3?

Technically 9 but it's really 8. I don't exactly count all tied up in knots as mine (more on this later)

2.) What's your ao3 word count?

82,315, excluding the fic above. I don't think I'll make it to 100k before the year is out, but it would be cool if I did

3.) What fandoms do you write for?

Just Star Wars, actually. I thought about writing fic in my last big fandom (The Witcher), but I didn't really feel motivated to write until SW. My first fic was actually DinLuke, but then I fell in love with the Prequels!

4.) What are your top five fics by kudos?

Tank Top - This is the DinLuke one! I guess it's in the lead cause it's got a 1-year headstart on everything else, maybe

Their fragrance came from you - Sir, that's my emotional support fic! I love this one to death, seriously. I know I kinda made my brand on kinky sex fics and this is very much not that, but...

Blindfold me (I'm the only witness) - I do feel like this one kinda embodies Obikin's insanity tbh. Weird boundary-crossing sex for sure

Lace Me Up, Hold Me Tight - Subby Obi-Wan in a healthy relationship my beloved <3

You can call me baby (You can call me love) - My first Obikin fic. Near and dear to my heart. Stands the test of time, I think. It's mostly just very sweet

5.) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, absolutely! I didn't used to, but now I try to reply to all of them, even if it's just with a few heart emojis.

A lot of the times when I read fic, I like to browse the comments to see speculation from other readers and what the author has to say about it.

Sooo I guess I reply to comments to spark conversation! I think it makes it a bit easier to ask questions / engage with the material as a reader, because they know I'll try to answer as best I can (and I do!!)

6.) What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

None of them!!! I don't believe in unhappy endings. Life is hard enough as it is

7.) What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I mean, they all have happy endings. But maybe Take Care of Me, Please? The idea of being loved and taken care of unconditionally is very appealing to me. I guess that's not surprising

8.) Do you get hate on fics?

Not directly on the fics themselves, but I have gotten, at this point, several anons criticising my writing and my fics here on tumblr. It's kind of exhausting because I feel like the obikin community itself seems so nice but SOMEONE is sending me these anons and it could really be anyone. It kind of makes me jump at shadows a little bit?

It's probably someone I don't know, rather than someone playing nice to my face and then sending me shit behind my back, but... What if it isn't? :(

9.) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yep yep yep. Like I said, that's where I started. I'm sure people who subscribed to me were disappointed when I started Their fragrance came from you and Obikin didn't have sex for like... 40k words

I've done a little bit of a lot of different kinks, I think. Lingerie, somno, humiliation, boot worship, lactation, daddy kink... There are a couple I really wanna do still (pet play, body swap, etc), but at the same time I kind of want to do more of the ones I've already done? So idk, we'll see where it goes

10.) Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Noooope. I'm very interested in AUs, but I'm just not interested in crossovers

11.) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nah, I think that mostly happens to bigger authors, and I'm pretty new. I haven't noticed anything of mine anywhere else, but I also don't spend a lot of time on other fansites these days

12.) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Also no! It's a dream of mine, a little bit, but at the same time I see why no one would be particularly interested in translating anything I've written so far. No biggie

13.) Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Okay this one is mixed. I have participated in round robins in an obikin server (that's what all tied up in knots is), but there was never any real commitment to writing those things. It was just based on whoever was free and had inspiration. I've actually been thinking I'll take my name off all tied up in knots, cause I don't particularly see that going anywhere, and I feel weird taking credit for it

HOWEVER. I would love to write a collab with someone I know. I'm not sure if I'd be any good at it, but I'd try!

14.) What's your all time favorite ship?

I do feel like it has to be Obikin. I'm honestly a multishipper when it comes to Obi-Wan, but I got tired of all the anti-Jedi sentiment in some of the popular pairings (which is the same problem I had with DinLuke), so now I stick mostly to Jangobi/Kenfetti and Obikin.

15.) What's a WIP you'd like to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Disregarding the whole round robin fic, I really do hope to finish all of them. Keeping this section optimistically blank!

16.) What are your writing strengths?

Hm... this question took me longest to come up with an answer. I guess it's worldbuilding and smut (which are sort of on opposite ends of the spectrum, lol)

Worldbuilding obviously is more of a thing in longer fics, but I feel like even in smaller ones I'm able to incorporate background details that I'm dangerously fond of. For example, the super soft blanket Obi-Wan is very territorial over in You can call me baby (You can call me love) is a gift from Ahsoka. And in Your Body, Superimpose It On Me, Anakin's Padawan braid is in an ornate glass box on Obi-Wan's nightstand, and Obi-Wan takes a moment to, like, caress the designs on the box every day.

17.) What are your writing weaknesses?

Well... I can only really write according to the mood I'm in. This was not a problem for a year or two there as I wrote shorter fics, but then I started writing Their fragrance came from you... At first, I was super depressed and so was Obi-Wan. And then the tone got lighter as I started feeling better. But then, you know, I have several chapters where the characters are supposed to be happy and light-hearted and suddenly I'm depressed again and I can't write the next chapters of my fic and then I get more upset about it because it's really important to me and it just becomes kind of a vicious cycle of feeling bad and not writing.

Maybe I need a separate sort of vent fic for when I'm upset? But again, I don't like unhappy endings. And if it has to get better at some point, then I'll have a hard time writing that unless I'm actually feeling better. If that makes sense.

18.) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Sooo I do definitely borrow words from other languages, but I always explain them first, and they're usually more like... concepts or objects that are specific to that culture. Of course the character is thinking/speaking those words in that language; there is no translation!

I've never had a reason to have whole sentences of dialogue be in different languages, but I guess if there was a fic which needed that, I wouldn't necessarily mind doing it? But the default is writing everything in english, because, yknow, the fic is in english

19.) First fandom you wrote for?

Okay I WAS gonna say that I already answered this with the dinluke thing. But I do remember writing fanfiction for Dinosaur King which (thankfully) never saw the light of day...

20.) Favorite fic you've ever written?

I feel like, as my only longfic, that's gotta be Their fragrance came from you. I know a lot of people write it off immediately because it's a/b/o (or even because it's supposed to be alpha Obi-Wan), but to me it's got everything. Enemies to lovers. Fun side characters. Pining. Battles. Betrayal. Romance. Sex. Even anti-heteronormativity!

To me it feels very much like I set out to (overambitiously) write an epic, and somehow I'm succeeding. I'm not saying it's the best fic that's ever been written, but it's far exceeded any expectations I had for it when I started.

Bonus: What fic would you want to rewrite one day?

Not necessarily rewrite, but I do wanna do edits to Lace me up, because the first few chapters are just not up to a comfortable standard of writing for me. And I'd be okay with leaving it that way if it was a standalone, but I really like its sequel. Plus I have some ideas for other fics in that series, so it would kind of put all that up to scrutiny again if/when I post a third installment

Tagging

Some of my friends already did this one and I'm not EXACTLY sure who has/hasn't been tagged yet, but (if you want): @anakinsthot @demon----dean @fishnamedsushi @secretsolarsystem

#whew this was a long one #PS to ragnarlothcat babe your dialogue is sooo good and witty never doubt yourself #PS to wibz sith spells sound super cool and atmospheric!!#tag game

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hikennosabo · 9 months

Text

trimax vol 8 random thoughts

i feel like i'm still emotionally caught up in volume 7 lmao... but we march on! mercifully i have less to say about this one than the previous volume, but this still turned out pretty long lol. maybe i should split my posts up more...

chapter 1:

the cross in the foreground of the title page... lmao. subtle storytelling techniques.

we know legato's skill is controlling someone else's body, we've seen him do it before. however. i've been rewatching bits of stampede here and there, in which his power is more like... idk, general application telekinesis? for example, he uses his power to affect the engine on the sandsteamer. it's not that important i suppose but it's a change i'm wondering about.

this has me wondering. what's the relationship like between humans and plants on earth? it's been brought up a few times that humans stripped the earth of its resources. so is it just as exploitative? ...does knives plan on "saving" the plants on earth, too...?

meanwhile, wolfwood... wait a sec, is this...? --IT IS!!!

THE RETURN OF WOLFWOOD'S STUBBLE!!! THANK GOD!!!

...ahem. i mean, the poor man looks exhausted and miserable. but fr i missed his stubble so much, i was sad when he showed up clean shaven way back in trimax vol 1 lol.

...aaaand then the stubble is absent again. glad to have that one panel though.

okay, wolfwood intermission over, back to the conversation between vash and knives. everyone's already said so much about it already, and i've already gone over some parts of it, so i don't think i'm really adding anything here... but i want to talk about some aspects of it that didn't really fit into my other post.

i touched on this in my volume 7 post. vash wants to wait, knives doesn't. and this is interesting to me, because... knives isn't actually wrong here? we saw the Last Run along with knives, we've seen how badly plants are treated. vash answering "that's the way it is" seems, i don't know... passive? like, knives's actions aren't GOOD, but i think his sense of urgency is a little warranted compared to vash just wanting to... wait it out?

and as we know, the reason why humans were trying to emigrate to a new planet in the first place was BECAUSE their resources on earth had run dry. so knives isn't really wrong about that either.

also, the page has already been posted a million times, so i won't repost it again, and also i've already said this, but vash getting so emotional at the mention of tesla that he breaks out of legato's control is crazy. he already fought against legato's control to crawl his way to knives and it wasn't even the full extent of his will.

also "don't you turn away from me, knives!" ...i'm repeating myself atp but god. he just sees right through him, doesn't he.

his ass is not listening at all. knives, honey, he's saying YOU need to look inward!!! vash can see right through you and he's telling you that you failed at truly facing your pain!!! BUT YOUR ASS IS NOT LISTENING!!

chapter 2:

and we're here with livio and wolfwood... livio's mouth doesn't really open when he talks so i can't tell when he's the one talking lol. he... didn't really say much in stampede.

livio is huge, what the hell! why'd they twinkify him so much in stampede!

i must say, so far i haven't met a trigun character that i didn't like. (aside from like, random unimportant one-off villains that i don't care about.) but i like everyone who's been important/recurring. even characters like legato and knives, with all they've done wrong, all of their genuinely heinous actions, i still love them. i get emotional about them and think they're well-written and interesting to think about. that being said... chapel is kinda pissing me off lmao.

^ men will literally do... whatever this is instead of going to therapy.

(also this page is giving sephiroth vibes lol... this isn't the first and won't be the last time i will make this comparison. he IS a very sephiroth-like character.)

the chaos and destruction?! THIS IS ALL HAPPENING SO FAST HELP, ALL THIS AND A SEVEN MONTH TIMESKIP??

OH, WHAT A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES!! i didn't realize how much i missed them until they showed up... :') and yay, luida's here too!

chapter 3:

oh, even brad is back!! :) (i recently rewatched the episode of 98 where he DIES... crossing my fingers he makes it to the end of the manga lol)

meryl... ough :( i wish we could've seen her grapple with and work through all the trauma, talk with milly about it, etc... on top of having to face the sudden apocalypse... gal's been through so much. and she hasn't been able to talk with vash about what happened, the last time they saw each other was... well, it was a rough parting, to say the least. we didn't see her journey but we see her here, on the other side. more tired than before but still moving forward, able to talk honestly about the trauma she faced, and doing what she can to help people. she is so... cool.

also knives keeps making people just Vanish Outright like what is he doing exactly? eating them?? (<- this is a joke but actually.)

the plant memory... knives was brought to his knees by it. and his expression... ough

KNIVES BREAKDOWN.... 2!!!!!!

two breakdowns in two volumes... uaaagh, the effect of his face splitting apart is so GOOD. although i can't tell if the plants are deliberately showing him this, or if it's more of a side effect from absorbing so many...

and yeah, thinking about ordinary people, of course they wouldn't be the ones abusing plants. they don't have the power or authority to do so, especially not at a large scale. but knives doesn't see that - or hasn't seen it until now, rather - and thinks all humans are the same. so the real solution is to dismantle the structures that allow for plant abuse.

ELENDIRA MY BELOVED!! SHE'S SO COOL <333

also i LOVE the image of ww and legato that we end the chapter on. ww gets so many cool compositions, man.

chapter 4:

OUAGH, I LOVE WOLFWOOD. legato i love you baby but you deserved to get shot. also vash using his angel arm to escape...!! i mean, it's not like he has any other weapons he CAN use, but it's still... new to see him willingly using it like this.

I LOVE THE COMPOSITION HERE!!! IT'S SO GOOD!!! the "amen" shaped like a cross? INSANE... and livio's face being in shadow so we only see the skull mask... this panel is SO good

i don't have that much to say about the fight... it's painful to watch. i already know ww and livio's history from stampede, and i don't know how much more of it we're going to get here in the manga, but juxtaposing scenes of young livio against his current self is... all we really need to know. and i love wolfwood's prayer so much, it's just... so sincere and desperate.

i'm absolutely flabbergasted by the level of vashwood. everything about this is so fucking romantic, holy shit.

like. just the act of shielding ww is romantic in and of itself, but. also the fact that he answered ww's prayer. and that vash has been so afraid of his own power, which he's now using to protect... ugh. and their brief banter on the page directly after this is so good.

AND THIS IS JUST. SO GOOD. vash doesn't care about his own life, but HE CARES ABOUT WOLFWOOD!! SO MUCH!! oooggghh THE VASHWOOD OF IT ALL!!!

and then he uses his angel arm again, and it's the fanciest it's ever been... powered up with love... he has full control over it now.

but also, i already talked about this line in my other post, but knives begging vash not to go and saying "we only have each other"...i only talked about knives's feelings in that post - it's true for him. he only has vash. but vash has other people who he loves and who love him. and that love is why vash is doing what he's doing right now. maybe it's what knives was reacting to, when he touched vash with his feather... he realized he couldn't make vash stay. and that's why the end of the chapter says "it's over." just put me in the microwave already. ugh. i should've put this in my other post but i'm having Revelations in real time as i write lmao.

chapter 5:

oh hey! this is the first appearance of the little glass vial (a little glass vial? A LITTLE GLASS VIAL!!) that tristamp ww was constantly drinking from! aka the biggest death flag known to man. i was wondering when we'd see them.

also, ww is finally being honest and telling vash about himself...! :') it's all stuff i already knew from watching stampede, but still... it's rough. and the way stamp adapted it made it even more horrific and grotesque. ww looks, idk, around 14 or so? he was robbed of some pretty important years... i think his mind has more or less caught up to his body by now, but even if he wasn't a victim of experimentation, his childhood would've been cut short either way. it was already cut short the moment he was given a gun...

JUST HOW MANY WW DEATH FAKEOUTS ARE THERE GONNA BE. YOU CAN'T FOOL ME WITH THEM. two within a few pages of each other... is anyone keeping a tally?

VASH BLANKIE MODE!!! he even has slippies on... :') he's cozy

also wolfwood burrito :')

AND OH, MARLON'S BACK TOO!! i didn't expect to see him again, i'm just as happy as vash that he's here, lol. so many old characters coming back! and oh, meryl... :') they haven't seen each other since that day, and maybe vash thought she never wanted to see him again... this small gesture of hers was a massive relief to him. no words needed.

chapter 6:

okay since this is a spinoff/bonus chapter how are we counting the numeration. is this chapter 51. the trigun wiki says it's 50.5 but i know the wiki sucks ass so... (not like it matters...)

simple yet effective way of telling us roughly when this takes place - this was before he met vash. i love how this is where he got his "priest" schtick from, just... rolling with maylene's assumption and then carrying on with it lol.

this just hurts, especially coming right after ww's flashback. his life was put on rails the moment EoM took him.

ALSO BABY WW SOOOOOOOO CUTE

MY SON

ehhh... i don't really have that much to say about this chapter that hasn't been said already... it's an interesting look at ww pre-vash. and the villain is annoying lol

there's a lot that can be said of this chapter and ww's views on freedom, and i think other people have already done that better than me. but this panel sums up his priorities very concisely. no regard for his own wishes, doing as he's told, going "quietly" along... it's better inside the cage.

ummmm. i'm not ready for volume 9.

#trigunbookclub #trigun talk #june speaks #it's 3:30am goodnight

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maxladcomics · 8 months

Note

Hey, :/ anon here!

I'm gonna be completely honest. I was tired too and overreacted. I'm just so used to seeing people be assholes I read much too into it and??? Why was it so aggressive??? Also I brought up something unrelated??? Idk I'm sorry. Also my ask was absolutely awfully stated which really shows that maybe I should stop listening to my brain when it's past my bedtime. (Of course that doesn't excuse it.)

Basically, my problem was that you reblogged a thing that was talking about canon and came off as saying what Sans and Papyrus likes in canon and stuff. You refused some things that were canon or came up with ideas that weren't supported by canon (although not said otherwise.)

I'm very defensive due to undertale fans being cruel to others often and idk? I'm sorry again I'm a really shitty person. I should come off anon and apologize face off but :( I'm a coward.

You should reword it so it doesn't sound like you're saying this is canon, but everything else was 100% my fault. I'm sorry

Anon this isn't fair you're not supposed to be aware of your decisions and actions and regret things!

Hahaha, but it's ok!

At the point of answering your ask I was exhausted and shouldn't have replied because I like pretending to be concise and clear, but I can only do that in certain circumstances. BUT TO BE CLEAR- there is no malice, I'm not mad at you and you weren't wrong for getting mad about it. Not saying you were mad or came across that way, I understand it was a defensive reaction, I get that way around certain theories (Surprisingly not theories on Papyrus or his brother)

"maybe I should stop listening to my brain when it's past my bedtime."

Sometimes it can't be helped lmao. I hope you weren't too upset by it, and I'll edit out the bedtime thing from my other post, while I do believe I'm right in that part, the only proof I have is the lack of and I'm willing to concede that doesn't mean it's not true. Even if I want it to be GRR.

"You refused some things that were canon or came up with ideas that weren't supported by canon"

Tbh I might need someone to hold my hand and point out where I went wrong with it, that post was definitely aimed at being as canon as possible with direct quotes to support it (obviously didn't add them because that would've made the post too long to be bearable), but obviously the one with the lack of proof is the bedtime story one which I'm willing to edit out (and pretend to be salty about it).

BUT ALSO FAIR ON BEING DEFENSIVE. I understand, I get that way too around certain theories and ideas, which is the main reason I have built myself into this corner, I barely follow anyone and don't wander out into the fandom anymore. Is it lonely? NOPE. Do I regret any potential awesome friend out there that I'm missing because I'm doing this? YES. ALL THE TIME. I've made awesome friends but what if there's ones out there that I can't get because I have to find and interact first? AHH I THINK ABOUT THIS A LOT.

But anyway, you're not a shitty person, as I mentioned in another ask, your ask inspired a comic! I had to rush to note it down because I was relying on my memeory to hold it to sketching stage but felt it slipping away lmao. I am a little concerned the comic will come across as having malicious intent BUT I WANT TO DRAW MORE THAN ANY CONCERNS I HAVE.

#maxask #maxstop #maxramble #I have a very specific regret of not #finding out about haventale until the owner left #the undyne has a free hugs shirt aahhh #anyway the rate at which I forget things is hilarious #I am very reliable at memory when it comes to Undertale #but casual conversation?#anything but Undertale?#my memory is a sieve and words are put together #with reckless abandon

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potsiefaerie · 4 days

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Well, I got Therapized™️

And I got a good grade on my therapy homework (which is definitely a Real Thing yep uh-huh). And there were a couple of good call outs ("You seem to push yourself until you literally can't anymore, that seems to be a pattern in your life")

But also...

We spent a lot of time on why I'd prefer to feel extra dizzy and exhausted as long as I'm not collapsing, rather than ask for a wheelchair in an unfamiliar airport, and she asked why and I explained several types of microaggressions I've encountered doing that in the past, and she suggested basically... Asking people to be nicer?

And I can't decide if she's looking at things through rose colored glasses or if I'm being overly pessimistic. Probably somewhere in the middle? But also she's not disabled, and was definitely shocked when I said employees had previously asked me what I needed a wheelchair for. And yeah that's probably illegal but it does happen with some regularity - I doubt that's shocking to any of my spoonie moots here.

And she didn't seem to understand the just. Basic dislike of the helplessness? Because those wheelchairs have to be pushed by someone else.

So it's like, a choice between being physically exhausted or emotionally/mentally exhausted and of the two I'm more likely to recoup physical spoons on the flight itself. And I'm not sure I actually communicated that very well but I'm going to save this paragraph for next time actually I think.

There just is no "not exhausted". I can doze on planes and recover physically, but there is too much noise and people are too close for me to really be able to let go of the hypervigilance/overstim.

Idk. She did say that all her suggestions were just that and that I should feel free to explain which ones don't work for me. I just need to mull this one over a bit more.

#personal #get therapized nerd #disability

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feekins · 11 months

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hoo boy, ch 8. okay. I've got tea steeping. I've got a comfy throw blanket. I have my cat on standby, bc...honestly idr how I reacted the first time I read this almost 20 years ago. all I know is that a lot of things flew over my head at that age, so it should be uh. interesting. to see what I get out of it as an adult.

so yeah - my thoughts and things as I re-read ch8 of Trigun vol 2.

I'M NOT NERVOUS. YOU'RE NERVOUS. 🫣

(NOTE: I'm reading the Dark Horse [physical] and the Overhaul [online] translations side-by-side)

ok so uh. this is gonna be a longass post. no joke, I took reference pics of almost every single page of this chapter, but thanks to the 10-image limit...well. we'll see how this goes.

on the very first page, we have some context-changing translation discrepancies.

in Dark Horse, we've got:

WOLFWOOD: "I got a bad feeling...about these guys." (referring to the dudes he beat up when they tried to jump him as he walked into the church in the last chapter)

LEGATO: "How rude. How else do you expect to be treated when you suddenly trespass?"

meanwhile, the Overhaul has something much more informative, once again:

WOLFWOOD: "Who are these idiots? The Roderick slavers?"

LEGATO: "My apologies... I just needed to show late arrivals who they are dealing with."

then, on the next page, we see that Legato and Wolfwood haven't met before (which was something I was wondering about last chapter). they only recognize each other by physical descriptors (Wolfwood's cross, Legato's skull and torture device).

(Dark Horse on top, Overhaul on bottom)

again, the Overhaul is more informative. and the panel right after this one...Vash looks so exhausted 🥺

there's also a difference in Dominique's last words to Vash a few pages later. Dark Horse has her saying, in reference to Legato "No one stands up to that man. Do you think he'd help me after I've failed?" meanwhile, the Overhaul has "If I can't be of service to him...then there is only one way this can turn out."

and then, she jumps :( Dominique remains one of my fav GHGs... it would be nice to see her return (she's on Wanted posters!!!) in tristamp, but. in any case. I lov her. and I'd love to learn more about her 🥺

Vash passes out right as Dominique's falling, and my younger self always thought that was weird? but their fight was a LOT more taxing than it first appeared, at least to me. we see proof of this later in the chapter.

some little translation discrepancies here. Midvalley's line in Dark Horse always kinda confused me. ty, Overhaul, for clarifying so much! oh, and Legato's last line here - for some reason I always thought he was talking about Vash? but now I realize he's talking about KNIVES. that's not translation-induced confusion, tho - just me being A Silly Lil Guy again, I guess 🤪

oh, and I didn't point it out in the last chapter, but...there's something striking about there being a church right at the top of Jeneora Rock. I can't explain why. it's just...something that rly sticks out or seems important to me.

OH, BUT THEN!!!

IT'S THE DOCTAAAAAAAAAand that's all the screaming I'll do about him for now 🤭

again, the Overhaul's translation is more informative, explicitly mentioning Knives' injuries, but idk. maybe I'm nitpicking. whateverrrrr, me likey additional info =u=

now...we get into the heavier topics.

their plan for resurrecting Knives is. disturbing. to say the least. you've got the physical horror, which was what most struck me when I was a teenager...but what gets me now is the violation/exploitation/stripping of agency from another plant for personal gain/survival...of which humans are guilty...but this time, it's all in the name of The Big Bad Human-Hater. and so, right when we finally get to meet him in the flesh, the narrative shows how, Plant Shenanigans aside, Knives...really isn't all that different from the humans he so hates. he perpetuates the exact. same. shit. the cognitive dissonance, man... 😣

more Dark Horse-induced confusion the Overhaul's cleared up for me

then, at the bottom of the page, where Wolfwood's grousing, Dark Horse has him saying "Shit! What the hell was with all th' training?!" (another line that always confused me) whereas the Overhaul has "Shit! What the hell am I doin'?!"

and that leads me into the next thing I wanted to note: it's here that we see Wolfwood is a man stuck between a rock and a hard place. he gets frustrated with it, doesn't want to do it, but he fully believes he can't get out of it :(

I also want to note a difference between the manga and tristamp - manga Vash is able to sense Knives the moment he's resurrected, whereas tristamp Vash is only aware of Knives' presence when the diner piano starts playing (ep 3). it's an interesting difference!

but then, there's fking...

...this. immediately after Knives is reborn.

I didn't think anything of it as a teen. but now...initially, I was horrified, thinking "oh shit, oh fuck, what the hell is he doing to his 'mother' now" BUT. looking at it a second time, I think I get what the context is telling us. on the previous page, there's Knives WITH HIS 'MOTHER' UNDERFOOT. on the panel immediately below the one I've shown, there's an explosion. so. I think what's going on here is that Knives is using his plant abilities to bust out - which still isn't great, most likely killing his 'mother' in the process...but unfortunately, considering who this is, it tracks;;;;;;

(Dark Horse on left, Overhaul on right)

so much more urgency comes through in the Overhaul's translation here - "...I NEED to face him. I have to END this!"

we also get a lot more out of the Overhaul on the next page, when Vash is talking about his memory loss. both translations start with Vash saying "Everything on the other side is blank..." but whereas Dark Horse has him continue with "Where there is no memory, I must go to fill in the void..." the Overhaul has "I lost all memory of what I've done. All that was left with me was a void and a memory of a mountain of rubble."

then, when Vash gets to Knives and points his gun at him...Knives' absolutely deranged reaction, which I found funny as a teen, now just. gives me the chills. as does how tristamp drew directly from this exchange for their meeting in that diner.

aaaaand we have some translation weirdness after Knives sees Vash's scars and is all "Vash y u no learn?!" Dark Horse then misattributes 2 speech bubbles in a panel with Vash, instead having Knives say:

KNIVES: "If you keep count, you've hurt so many more than you've killed. And compare that to all the destruction you've caused..."

KNIVES (next panel, speech bubbles are his): "So, shouldn't you...point that thing somewhere else?"

the Overhaul is, once again, a lot more clear here:

VASH (in reference to his scars): "They're nothing compared to the burden of death and destruction you've put on me! You're gonna pay for your sins, you monster!"

KNIVES: "Considering what you did with that right arm of yours...shouldn't you be pointing that gun somewhere else then?"

I believe that's what we call gaslighting? and the victim blaming Knives does over and over is... 😬

more translation weirdness. no comment here - I've been working on this post for literal hours now igkhddkhdjg

...no translation weirdness here - just wanted to note...I didn't get this part as a teen. now, I do... 😟

and both translations of the first thing Knives says to Vash after forcing him to bring out the angel arm now strike me as. so messed up. part of the SA/noncon allegory...

KNIVES (Dark Horse): "Well?! How do you like it, Vash?"

KNIVES (Overhaul): "How is it?! How does it feel, Vash?!"

and then, right before it fires? for some reason, Dark Horse completely leaves out what Vash says/thinks immediately after Rem's name. before the Overhaul, I had no idea that this bit was a thing: "...we were no good...right from the start." 😭

now here. have an Emotional Support Charlie. she slept beside me the whole damn time I wrote this post 💕

#trigunbookclub #text postan 2k23 #cw: implied/referenced SA/noncon

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ghoulangerlee · 3 months

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Ohhhhh my god I feel you on this whole bc shot thing. I've been on it for a little over two years because I'm trans and getting my period was so bad for my emotional wellbeing I had to do something. I didn't wand an IUD, and I forget to take my medication a lot so the pill wasn't ideal. I was told by two different obgyns that they wouldn't consider removing the uterus becsuse at the time I was only 21 and ""What if you chsnge your mind!!!"" 🙄🙄🙄🙄 so I really dint have a whole lot of options.

On one hand I like not having to worry about the whole thing for 10/11 weeks at a time but on the other hand I also really like not having feeble bones! I've been taking calcium supplements but the pills are huge and I worry it isn't covering the issue entirely. I don't get enough calcium to begin with becsuse I can't drink milk and stuff, so I worry that it's a bandage on a knife wound so to speak.

Last time I was at the clinic for my shot I raised the issue again and the doctor there was like "wait you're literally trans and have no plans for children why the hell don't we just get rid of it????" And I'm just sitting there like why the fuck did the last two people I see not give me this option!?

Anyways I need to discuss the idea more with her but oh oh to get this fucking thing out of me....oh to dream....

Sorry rambling in your asks but this sucks and I sure hope we both get the cool fun and fresh resolution :)

oh my god anon, i feel you. i've been on it for...almost 5 years now? I think around August 2019 is when I started it finally. It was unfortunately the only option we could find for me. I actually can't have any bc that has actual estrogen in it because of my high blood pressure and the family history of blood clots. And like, at first it was fine and dandy! I was okay with it because after 7 weeks of a heavy cycle I was so exhausted and just ready for it to be over. And it's been gone! pretty regularly for the last several years.

Sometimes if I'm incredibly stressed it will sneak up on me but it's like, leagues better than it was. Max 3 days and barely anything at all. So, very manageable for someone who y'know. had it much worse (to the point it would cause my iron to drop significantly all the time).

I hate obgyns who refuse to do things because "you might regret it later on" like, no actually I think I'll regret having this thing inside my body I don't intend to use and having to stay on the shot for the rest of my life. I'm in a same-sex relationship, I don't ever intend to physically carry a child, I just want the thing gone lmao. I've told obgyns that in the past and yet they still insisted on telling me that I might "regret" it.

So, my surgeon did mention that viactiv is a good supplement, which is apparently a chocolate calcium chew haha. My biggest concern is that I have osteoarthritis and being over 30 now, my bone density doesn't come back as fast as it does for someone in their 20s. My doctor is also concerned about it too. I mean like also the weight gain is terrible too, like holy shit it's been the worst (strong ass bc, strong ass side effects I GUESS)

THOUGH APPARENTLY there is a bone density therapy that they can do which will help with keeping your bones strong. I didn't know about it and no one ever thought to mention it to me when they started talking about my bone density lmao. Normal Calcium supplements make me extremely nauseous and I can't take them, so I just stopped lmao.

And I think from there, that's when I sort of decided I wanted to look into getting rid of my uterus for good. Like, I don't plan to have kids, I don't need it. Why should I continue this shot, why should I keep putting myself through this.

Also, idk if you've experienced it, or if its just because I been on it for so long or if it's something else entirely, but in place of the period I just get cramps :) really bad ones :) it's great and what I've always wanted from bc haha.

honestly that's a good doctor, why haven't they suggested it sooner? Literally the surgeon I'm seeing is, ironically, the first obgyn I saw when I switched insurances and go to where I go now, and from the beginning she was like "you're in a monogamous same-sex relationship whenever you want the surgery we can just take care of that" and idk I wasn't in the right place then, I think, to consider it.

yeah it's a long process from my understanding, we're building a case right now, as my surgeon called it, gonna have some imaging stuff done, a few more tests and then we'll set the date and just. remove it. thankfully, no early menopause for me (ironically the One Thing i was most worried about?? I don't know, I've got so much going on, I didn't want to even consider dealing with menopause bc guess what the treatment for that is-- the same damn shot I'm trying to escape lmao) ANON!!! I wish the best for both of us!!! Let me know how things go!! (if you're comfortable!!)

#menstruation tw #anon asks #anon you never gotta apologize for rambling in my asks pls know that im always here to talk <3 #i am dealing with the same thing you are it seems (the hell shot)#weight tw

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initiumseries · 10 months

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Did you find GoT misogynistic? I watched 4 seasons in like 10th grade and I couldn't exactly articulate it but the treatment of female characters and constant r*pe scenes just came off very misogynist to me especially when jamie r*pes cersei when she's mourning joffrey and barely anyone even remembers that happened. It really solidified how pointless these were. But idk I've seen male fans defend it by saying all the characters went through a lot of trauma so the treatment of female characters doesn't need to be picked apart.. what do you think?

uhh, sure it was misogynistic, but the misogyny wasn't something that stood out to me, because their choices of misogyny wasn't new, because so many shows are misogynistic, just like almost every show is antiblack and racist, and GoT is no exception. So GoT being another one was like...I mean I guess. I think the moments that stood out to me are just the ones that felt gratuitous in the violence. On an HBO show you expect gratuitous nudity, but the nudity is always female, which besides misogyny is also just boring. Oh look, another rail thin white woman with small breasts. Okay. As far as all the characters going through trauma, I've felt forever that writers, especially male ones, rely SO heavily on the rape of a woman as like, the PINNACLE of violence she can experience, and it's exhausting because do something else. You manage to write the threat of violence for men all the time and it never involves rape, so...?

But Sansa's treatment specifically just had me cringing at times like...I don't know man it feels like the writing hates her. Like damn. And then that followed by how absolutely despicable the fandom (white women VERY much included here) treated her. It was confusing to me. Like sure she was a brat in the beginning, but that does NOT mean she deserved any of the absolutely abhorrent, horrific and despicable violence, a lot of which was sexual, that took place after. Like, let's be absolutely for real. Jamie and Cersei is like...a lot. I've only every watched GoT through once so my memory of that scene is fuzzy, and I remember being unclear like...I don't understand why this is happening, and why it's happening here, and now. Like...? And it didn't seem to change all that much between them so I was just like...was this...a rape scene? What's happening, I don't like this at all. So I mean, was GoT misogynistic? Yes. The misgoyny is built into the show (Cersei's walk of shame or whatever, and even just the fight she had to put up to rule because Men etc) It was just not novel in its misogyny so it didn't seem remarkable to me outside of specific characters and moments.

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writersrealmbts · 10 months

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Hello...

So, I've been pretty...dormant? Lately, and I just wanted to give a bit of an update. I am still writing but it's...a lot slower lately. I've been sick for the past two weeks and it was one of those colds where everything is exhausting and your brain is nowhere to be found, so I really dropped the regular posts I was supposed to be doing and I didn't accomplish much as far as writing goes. I'm plucking away at the three/four requests I'm working on, but it's still pretty slow going.

I do have a few other things ready to post, so I'm going to be getting those up and scheduling them, but...I'm just not really into it all lately and Tumblr has been...tumblr. Thankfully I can copy and paste tags now so that makes things easier but I honestly dread formatting posts more than anything else, which is why I've been moving to Archive of Our Own. Posting is easier for me, the crowds have been more...vocal and interactive, and...yeah.

Also, it kind of feels like I'm not reaching my followers? Or, I'm reaching two or three of you and that's about it, so...idk, we'll see.

But anyway, I'm gonna be posting (scheduling) a few stories here in the next couple of days to sort of get caught up. I've got the rest of the week off, so I might do a drabble day on Saturday? And you know, if you see this, go ahead and send me some drabble requests and I'll post them Saturday.

Anyway, I have some Ao3 exclusive stories and all are open for people without accounts so you don't have to worry about that. I'm working on the stories that have been requested (pack trials, txt short, Harvest moon 2, etc) and they will be released...when I finish them.

Thank you for your patience, even if it was because you hadn't even noticed I was gone. It really helps when people don't pester about things 💜.

#Penny rambles

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golbrocklovely · 2 years

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I was checking an oldish tag on here and saw some of your old asks about Stas where people told you everything she was doing, full transparency and you defended her like no other. Everything they spoke about came to light and we are now or have been seeing since Europe everything and more that people mentioned . So im curious (maybe you’ve said before but i didnt see it) what made you change your stance and open your eyes to her odd behavior especially towards Colby? The asks were pretty blunt and straight forward and you still found a way to curve every answer.

I checked the tag btw because i noticed today that not only did she promote Katrina on twitter, but made a tiktok to her song, told people shes her biggest fan, and has been liking a bunch of C4 edits and pics. I remembered seeing asks talking about her never supporting Kat only Colby so after seeing that i came back here to try and find what else those asks said and saw everything everyone has been saying is pretty legit.

i did say a while back why my feelings changed for stas, but i'll just state them again i guess lol

also holy shit this is long sorry about that lmao

so, originally, when ppl would come to me saying why they didn't like stas, to me it didn't feel like it was a legitimate reason. and i felt that way bc they would come on here, talk about her, but give no proof to their claims. just say that "oh i heard this" or "i think she did this" or "did you see she did this" and to me, none of it was enough proof to throw her off the island, so to speak. i mean, some anons talked about her liking edits as proof enough that she was shady or up to no good. ppl would use her likes on twitter as main example of "see! look how bad she is" and the tweet in question was either not there (bc she probs unliked it) when i would go looking for it or if it was about colby and her… it was harmless and not something like "colby and her should be together. they have something going on".

also, no offense to anyone that sent me asks in during that time period, but i don't exactly have the most faith in the fandom towards ppl outwardly hating on a girl bc she's close to colby. it's happen countless times. the amount of times i've been told that the reason a girl that colby's friends with or hooking up with or JUST STANDING NEAR is bad bc "she just gives me bad vibes"… let's just say, if i had a nickle, i'd be a rich woman. so when it started happening with her, i didn't think much of it. thought of it as jealousy or just over-protective fans.

but things started to change a bit, i would say, by summer. i think after one too many trips to vegas, my liking for her was dwindling. idk if she did something or what (bc at this point i don't remember), but the vibe changed around her and what she was doing. at least to me. not to mention, no matter what she did, it was drama. and that itself was exhausting.

then colby made that tiktok with her. and when he started deleting comments shipping the two of them together, that's when i knew oh, he really doesn't want to be shipped with her and i thought this was him actually laying down the law and finally putting his foot down to all the shipping that goes on between him and stas.

then europe happened. and i fucking KNEW this trip wasn't gonna end well. i felt it in my bones. or maybe i'm just really good at picking up patterns lol

what first started to gross me out, was finding out about her mom posting things. and look, i'm all for a supportive mother. and tbh idk if her mom ever responded to fans. but what concerned me was how much info she was sharing publicly. and then how many fans were searching for her mom, finding her page, and basically narrowing down where they were in brussels and all that. snc have been stalked before, have had their house broken into before, what they DO NOT NEED is someone with them basically giving their every location just bc those fans are subscribers.... or random ppl on her mom's facebook.

that's when i also noticed that her roommate was at least cognizant of fandom drama that had happened not too long ago bc she liked a tweet about it while it was happening. that turned me off quite a bit as well. and i know a lot of ppl bring up stas posting the video from colby's bedroom and honestly…. ngl that flew under my radar. it just didn't feel like anything to me at the time.

and then finally: tomorrowland. the amount of fans that upticked their talks of colby and stas when they were basically forced to hang out with one another the whole time bc kat and sam wanted their own time away (which is fine, don't get me wrong. but it just really didn't help the already existing issue of colby and stas being shipped) was super fucking annoying. i basically was getting upwards of 10 asks a day, and that's a light guesstimate, about the situation. and while i don't mind talking about something…. i don't want to talk about it that much.

then, the malishka thing happened. i literally ignored it on here bc i just couldn't talk about it. at first, i was angry at colby. like why would he post this this is so stupid. but as time has gone on, i've basically come to the lovely realization that stas is the one that posted it (also, according to some whispers i've heard she basically told her subs that she did. idk tho that's alleged). realistically, colby doesn't understand russian. he probably filmed her, showed her the video, and she typed that and posted it. she also had earlier post the pic on his story of her face zoomed in. at least, that's what i personally believe. and when asked what malishka meant, she probably lied or just didn't tell him bc he probably didn't rewatch his story.

bc something to note is that they had terrible wifi in tomorrowland. so he might not have even known about this whole thing until a day later or so.

and what made all of it worst was the fans' reaction on twitter. and the fact that a lot of the fans that came out and congratulated colby and stas for "finally being together" after "all this time of us knowing" were both ppl i followed and ppl my age……….. i basically was about done with the situation. and then of course she had to like a tweet about the malishka thing. and that solidified it for me.

and if THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, they came home from the trip and colby hung out with her one more time right before moving to vegas. he literally told us on xplrclub that he was gonna be THIRDWHEELING in vegas (aka laying it on AS THICK AS HE COULD that he was single), and that fucking night stas told her subs that she was going on a date. and wouldn't you believe it, but it was her and colby hanging out ! along with others, but no one saw them on her story. just her and colby.

after that, colby mentioned multiple times about being single, being young, and wanting to have fun while in vegas. and i think that's when the tides personally turned for stas. she had fun playing house with colby in europe, she had her fun of living the fantasy of what it would be like to be colby's gf, to be Y/N. but reality set in when they came home. i think the last night they hung out, i think she confessed how she felt, and he rejected her. and look, she has every right to be upset about being rejected. i get being rejected, especially by someone you feel you have a connection to, SUCKS ASS. i'm not denying that. however, you caused your own delusions. colby was literally hooking up with six flags girl multiple times this past year, LITERALLY BROUGHT HER TO A HANG OUT SESSION WITH THE CORE FOUR, …..and you think he was into you???? the same man that deleted comments about the two of you together????????? the same man that FOR YEARS has begged the fandom to stop shipping him with every girl he's friends with??????? that man… was into you?

i mean, he went on a (assumed) date with a girl in vegas and stas tweeted like four things that night about being hurt or whatever (idk at this point i don't remember all the details) and then on top of that deleted said tweets. maybe something happened between them. i doubt it wholeheartedly tho. i think she loved the fantasy of them being an item, but he wanted no parts of it.

bc that's the thing: colby loves to tease us sometimes. like with amber. he loves making the fans freak out. but when he does shit like that, he chose to be part of the game. this is the only time he asked not to be included…. and she did it anyway. i don't think he knew the extent of breadcrumbs she was leaving for fans to speculate. i think when he saw what happened with the malishka shit (bc again he probs didn't see it until a day or two later bc of wifi and just wanting to enjoy his vacation) i think stas left a soured taste in his mouth. and then she made it worst by telling fans that her and him were going on a date…. and that was enough for him to be done with her. that's why at kat's bday party he sat as far from her as possible and seemed to not want any parts of the party. and that's why she's talking about being rejected now. bc i personally think they are done being friends as of rn.

i mean… it would make sense too. bc the moment he was hurt by what stas did, who did he run back to after all this time? shea, the original stas lmao

and as for stas all of a sudden being up kat's ass, to be as bluntly honest as i can be, i do not fucking care. i've gotten a bunch of asks about it. i can't be more frank than literally telling yall i don't care. i'm tired of talking about stas. bc even tho i don't like her, and i do think she is a bit of a snake, not everything she does is newsworthy or needs to be talked about. she liked something that implied feelings for colby? who cares. she wrote a poem about him? who cares. she wants to leave comments about how much she loves kat? omg who cares. we all know at this point she wants attention.

STOP GIVING IT TO HER.

#ask #personal #i'm not angry i'm just disappointed lol

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