This painful agony doesn’t stop

The scariest scars are not the one you can see in someone's body, but its something you can feel within. The scars in someone's heart.

Exhaustion

I'm so tired. Like all the time. Everything is exhausting. And yet when I try to sleep, sleep evades me. Is this my life? How long am I going to suffer like this and be in this state of emptiness? If this is my life, I don't want it.

My depression has crept into my life again, I thought it was gone but here it is.

It’s hard when you realize that you have no friends in life and your family only cares when you have something to provide

I just wanna die I don't know she left me because I made stupid decisions but I always do them.

But she keeps me away from getting worse.

She left me and I got worse.

Now we're talking again.

Since it got worse with me I'll make even more or worse mistakes over and over again and she'll leave me again.

Don't know if I can take that.

I hope you just don't make me hope at all again.

Best would be to never talk to me again.

I hate me. I hate my head. I hate who I am. I hate my desease.

I’m scared that I’ll never get better but I’m scared to get better

i'm truly never allowed to be happy. there's always something i should do, be able to do, know and remember. i can never relax, i am always in stress mode, no matter if there is something to necessarily stress about or not. this has always been like this for my entire life, and it will be like this for the rest of my days. life is nothing more than doing anything but living. it's terrible, and there's nothing i can do about it. i hate my life.

I don't know how to love myself and that's affected my physical and emotional ability to love someone else. I truly believe that you need to learn how to love yourself before you can even think about loving someone else unconditionally. Because not having that strong foundation will only cause the relationship to come crumbling down, leaving the two parties broken and hurt.

I'm so selfish, selfish for wanting to be loved but not being able to reciprocate the same feeling. When will this self-hatred truly stop? I long for the day when I finally realise my worth.

I'm just a useless fat piece of shit that doesnt deserve the wondrous things life has to offer. My mind always, always has to find SOME way to ruin the beautiful things I stumble upon.

I feel so numb. My chest feels so heavy. And my mind can’t tell what’s real or not. Everything is blurry and I feel so cold.

I promised not to be back here again. But Sht I'm here again.

This summer my depression and anxiety got really bad. I didn't go out, I didn't talk to anybody, I didn't do anything. I wanted it all to end, the sadness, the pain. And one day it was my friends birthday and I got really drunk. I fell apart. I cried and told them I wanted to die. They were surprised because usually I was always happy and I didn't really share the bad things that were in my head. When I got a bit sober I told them it was all because of my ex, but it wasn't, it was because of me, it was because I was so messed up. After that day I realized I wasn't fine and I decided to tell my parents and ask for help. I don't really know how to talk about these kind of things so I sent them an email with an article about depression and anxiety. Later that day my mom said to me that she is doesn't want me to be sad and asked me what is it about ( she thought it was a boy) and I just couldn't tell her everything, like how do you tell the person that gave you life that you don't want it anymore? Anyway we both cried and thats it that was the last time we spoke about it. My dad asked me if I wanted to talk to somebody and I said yes. Next day my dad went to my doctor and called me and asked how tall I am and how much I weight I was confused because I didn't understand what that had anything to do with that like I didn't say I had eating problems but okay. And when he got home he said that the doctor told him it is just puberty and I pretended I was fine but the second I got in my room I started crying and shaking, like I wanted to fix myself, I wanted to get better. I don't know what my dad told the doctor but I'm pretty sure he doesn't understand what depression is. He and my mum aren't educated enough about mental illnesses. Its been 7 months since that and we haven't talked about it since. It got bad again and I started to cut which I thought I would never do. Yesterday I kissed my mum and dad when I came home because lately I am really thinking about death and how you never know when will the last time you see someone be so I wanted them to know that I love them and my mom asked me why am I so happy and I was like why do I seem happy? And she said that I am always sad and distant and that I don't usually kiss them. It was like, I told them what was wrong with me and they ignored it, they said it is puberty, like idk if everyone wants to die everyday and thinks about how worthless they are. Lately I heard a lot of people in class when describing sadness telling they were depressed, like no you were sad you weren't depressed. I think we don't learn enough about mental illnesses and that people just throw around words like oh I am so sad I am really depressed and wow I am so stressed my anxiety is terrible. They don't think about how triggering hearing that could be to other people who are dealing with that. They don't know how hard it is dealing with it every day. But I do and if you who is reading this is struggling just know that you are not alone.

|KK|

Hi everyone! For the mutual followers:

depressedanxietydeath was my friend's blog and it just got terminated by tumblr for mistaken reasons. We are devastated by these news but you deserve to know what happened (in case you knew the blog). Any further I'll notify through this blog, thank you for reading. Big hug!