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#codywan angst
evesartblog · 7 months
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I was terrified to post this because I thought that it could somehow get better sitting in my photos, but looking back, I actually really like how this turned out!!!
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The sad reality
- Cody? - Y/n's voice were so quiet, that Cody wasn't sure they really called for him.
He knows the padawan was always loud, cheerful, full of life. This little, cracked, lifeless voice can't be his chi- his Commander voice.
The padawan was sitting on the floor, their eyes full of unshed tears, looking straight at Cody. Like they were waiting for something. Like they were waiting for Cody to do something, anything. He thought about searching for Obi-wan, he was their master. He wanted to find Ahsoka, the two padawan were always together if they can. Even finding Skywalker be a better choice than Cody himself.
But there was only Cody, nobody else. He needed to choose. Be a good soldier, leave the padawan and find some help, or let himself be more than a meet droid, and take care of the kid himself.
The kid who was an of the very first people who treated the clones like living beings. The kid who spend months to memories all the names of the men. The kid who eats, sleeps, speaks, laugh with the men. The kid who help him paint his armor, who helps him with the paper work, who brings him food when he forgot to eat.
Sometimes he thinks about when the "Commander" became "Kid". When the " Good morning Sir " became " I hope you slept well, because I didn't. You kicked me all night". When the " Sir, for a minute " became " Pss... Kid.. Get over here". When the " Be careful Sir " became " Don't you dare die out there Y/n Y/l". And when the " They just another Jedi " became " They are my Jedi, my kid".
Cody looked at Y/n again, carefully. Sometimes he forgets that Y/n only a year older than him. Such a weird case, isn't it? The difference between nat-borns and clones sometimes fascinated him. He know Y/n will outlive him of course. But he wished he had more time with them. He needed more time, he wanted more time and look at him now! Instead of enjoying that little period of time a clone can live, to spend that time with the people he want, he just standing here doing absolutely nothing at all.
The sudden sadness that takes over his heart surprise him. His heart cry for the little kid in front of him. He is a clone, a high ranked soldier. How he could be so weak? How he could feel like this when he shouldn't? How is it possible for him, to dream about a little home, where Obi-wan, Y/n and him can live? Be happy? Why he can't have that? Why?
The quiet crying broke his thoughts. The little sniff and heavy breathing. His heart made the choice, there's no coming back. He approaches Y/n, he crouches down and takes Y/n face in his hands. It's so little, it's so sad. His heart hurt.
-Oh, little one. What happend? Why are you here? - he asks as comforting as possible.
But instead of an answer he gets an even sadder face, more tears and a little, broken padawan in his lap. He knows his chest plate must be uncomfortable to hug, but it's looks like Y/n just doen't bother at all. He trys to move a little, to take of the armor, but the two little hand can't let him.
They stay like that, until Y/n is in a deep and dreamless sleep in Cody's arms. He stands up with the kid and heads to his room. Halfway through he notices his General, his Obi-wan. The Jedi is a mess, his eyes are sad, worried. His posture is tense and it's looks like he is searching for something. When he notices Cody with Y/n, he let's out a big breath. Slowly, so so slowly he comes to Cody. The look he gives to Y/n is full of regret. Carefully he touches the padawan tear stained cheeks.
-I'm such a terrible master for them. Sometimes I forget they are not Anakin. They can't be... treated like him. - Cody can see, how Obi-wan is trying to swallow back his tears.
- I'm trying not to do the same mistakes I did with him. Attachment. Be indulgent. I feel like such a monster sometimes. I wish they would know how much I love them. - He looks at Cody, with all the love he can allowed for him. - But here you are my dear. Making sure I'm not fucking up everything.
Cody decided he got enough emotional damage today. He takes the jedi hand and starts walking.
-Cody?
- We are going to take a long nap. The two of you need it, I need it. - He opens the door with the code and pushes Obi -wan in. - And after the nap, we are going to talk. - Cody puts Y/n down and takes off his armor. He looks at at Obi-wan, pleading. How could Obi-wan resist? He puts his robes on the nearby chair and he lays down next to his commander and padawan.
Cody is in the middle, hugging his two Jedi like his life depends on it. Obi-wan falls asleep quickly, nuzzled into Cody chest. On the other side Y/n is holding Cody's arm in a death grip.
Cody couldn't fall asleep just yet. Finally in his little paradise he wants to savor the moments. Like this he can feel peace taking over his soul. He knows when they wake up this little safe place is gone. The talk will be destroying but without it the silence could cause more damage. He believes that they can fix it. He can count on his men, Rex, Ahsoka, even Skywalker.
When Cody finally falls asleep he dreams of the little house, maybe on Naboo, where the three of them can finally have their happy ending.
Unfortunately, deep down, where his inhibitor chip connect to his brain, he knows that future never comes.
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Okay, so maybe i'm gonna regret this but we live once I guess. So finally a get my shit together and wrote a fan fiction. Not just a quote or a dialogue one. A full ass fan fiction. And yeah, maybe this is my first one and the little one have some flaws but I'm proud of it. So I hope all of you enjoy it, and do not forget. Without you, your comments, you like, your share I never started or tryed to write this. So thank you guys. You are the best. 💕
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skltart · 2 years
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vaguely angsty codywan comic thingy idk I'm tired
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literallyjustanerd · 1 year
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Are you as inconsolable as I am about never getting to see what happened to Cody after he went AWOL?
GOOD, YOU SHOULD BE. And also, here's a fic about what I'm choosing to believe happened next.
Relationships: Commander Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi, Commander Cody & Captain Rex
Summary: Marshal Commander Cody has gone AWOL. Alone and on the run, he has nothing to guide him but the memories he struggles to confront, and the family he hopes he can reclaim. But that is not the only path calling to Cody. Obi-Wan is dead, at least officially, and yet, he cannot help but to hope. Already living on borrowed time, taking both paths may not be an option.
Read chapter one here or follow it on AO3 - any and all feedback is greatly appreciated!
***
            Marshal Commander Cody of the esteemed 212th battalion of the GAR has pawned his armour for a few credits. Laid out the pieces before a seedy-looking merchant in the dim lower levels. Even haggled over the price like a common scrapper. Worst of all, he cannot even muster the dignity to feel ashamed for it.  Scarcely has half a rotation passed since he threw all his honour to the wind and went AWOL. But already he is learning that if he is to survive, there is little room for anything more in his mind than pragmatism and a healthy paranoia. Not that guilt and doubt don’t still try to muscle in on the edges. Once again, he is affronted with the conjured image of his holofile, the bold red stamps that would by now be plastered across every data signature: AWOL. Deserter. Enemy of The Empire.
            It isn’t as if he had woken up that day with the express intent of abandoning his post. Though admittedly it had been a long time since he’d woken up feeling anything like a loyal soldier. His final weeks as Marshal Commander he had felt more like a pawn in a particularly brutal game of dejarik than a respected military veteran. He could feel it in all his brothers. The lurking unease, like the prickling at the back of your neck when you sense a sniper’s barrel trained on your back. And yet, on top of it, a thick blanket of haze that made those feelings impossible to face, turned your thoughts away from them the moment you tried to approach. He would march through his day, carrying out the orders that were given, thankful for the brief glimpses of peace that obedience would afford. It became almost meditative at times. Though he knew it should alarm him to feel his sense of self shrink in favour of acting without thought or question, he couldn’t seem to rein himself in. But at night, in the quiet of the barracks, his mind would wander, seek out those places that made his skin crawl and set his teeth grinding. The inexorable human impulse to poke at an open wound, just to feel the pain thrill through your veins. To be brazen and treacherous enough to wonder silently in your own mind if The Empire is really acting in your best interest. That wound is one of the deepest, has never been allowed to heal over before Cody prods at it again. But there are plenty of other scabs to pick.
            The reports all say that he is dead. He. The general. His general. Cody has had to fight especially hard against the pains in his head to even think those words. His name is still out of reach. He knows it, knows it as well as he knows himself. It may as well be etched into his armour with every other dent and blaster strike, carved like his scars into his very skin, and yet not since the moment that Order 66 had taken effect has he been able to say it. Not to anyone, not even to himself. The night before he left for that last mission to Desix, he had lain with lips parted until he had lost track of the seconds on the chrono, trying to force his mouth around the words. No sound came, and yet his lungs had emptied as though he had cried it out loud. Even when he read the reports –which he did repeatedly, a solemn ritual under the cover of night– his eyes would slide off the name like oil. Nonetheless, he knew the facts. Or what The Empire had decided would be the facts. His general, his traitorous, treasonous Jedi general, was dead. Though no body had been recovered. And reports were inconsistent about who had witnessed the supposedly fatal fall. Cody had seen all the Jedi perform far more death-defying feats than surviving the battle on Utapau. Force, his general had even been declared dead once before and returned days later with barely a scratch. His stride unbroken and the same serene smile on his face that left Cody with a new knife in his chest every time he pictured it.
            Desix had been the final straw. The last fistful of dirt on the grave of his faith. Faith in peace, faith in The Empire, faith in anything he or his vode had done in the years since their creation. Ames had not been the least bit surprised when the order of her execution was given. She had expected it from the start.
Peace was never an option.
And yet, she had softened at Cody’s words, let Cody wax about war and survival and deliberation (where had he learned to negotiate like that?) and respected him enough not to shoot him when he laid down his blaster. She wholly expected The Empire to kill her without thought or mercy, and yet, the hope of a ceasefire, of safety for her people, had been enough of a lure to let her release Grotten. A hope Cody had given her, and a hope that earned her nothing more than a blaster bolt to the chest. Perhaps he was punishing himself for his foolishness on the transporter back to Coruscant. Or maybe he had finally been given the push he needed to muscle through the pain and face what he had known from the beginning. Huddled in the corner, aching joints lowered to the floor, he had trained his breaths deep and slow, and plunged headfirst into the roiling sea of his memory, fighting the swell to get down deep. At first he was fumbling in the dark, grasping for something, anything solid, and the screeching dissonance in his head almost made him abandon the task altogether. But then, a glint in the distance. Something to latch onto, anchored far enough below the surface that the waves no longer hit quite so hard.
***
            “How you do it, I do not know.”
Outside. Orange sky. Gentle breeze, slight chill. Quiet.
“I only do what needs done, sir. You’re the one the men look to for assurance.”
The laugh that follows is not right. Meek and cynical where it should be soft and melodic. Cody aches.
“Assurance, I’m afraid, that is more often an act than it is genuine, my dear.”
“Sir?” A hand atop his, a warm weight. Is it really there? Or had Cody merely wished so hard for it that his fantasies have leeched into memory?
“The war is nearing its end. I know everyone here can sense that.” A shaky intake of breath, a furtive glance stolen to the side. “I have felt something in The Force. I cannot be sure what it means, I only… I fear the end of the war may not bring the peace we hope for.”
Cody opens his mouth to speak. No words come. This is not right.  A shuffle beside him. A face no longer in profile. It is hard to look him in the eyes – like staring too long into hyperspace.
“All of this to say, when I find myself at ends like this, it’s you I look to. Whenever I’m in need of something safe, something steadfast. You’re… a rock in the storm. For me, for all the men. They need you.” A pause. In reality perhaps only a moment. In memory it is a lifetime.
“As I need you, Cody.”
Lilac sky. Quiet. The air is still. And as clear as crystal, it is there. The name laid out in memory, falling from lips that now refuse to find it.
“And you’ll have me, Obi-Wan. Always.”
***
            He had woken the next morning after scarcely little sleep, the sun still buried far beneath the horizon. Silently, methodically, he had risen, gathered his things, and walked for the last time from his barracks. He had not paused before his feet crossed the threshold. He had not looked over his shoulder at the towering buildings with their painted-over insignias and walled-up memories. His feet took him through the streets, moving like a ghost to the nearest bank of elevators, and he had watched level 5127 slide up and out of view. For the first few hours he had managed to convince himself that he might have intended on returning. Even as all of his meagre belongings clattered in his pack with every step. Listless, he’d spent some time first wandering the streets and alleys, aimlessly turning corners and weaving further into the shadowy arms of Coruscant’s underbelly. Then, as lights flickered on in what passed for dawn on the lower levels, he slipped through the doors of a tiny speakeasy, the kind he used to reprimand his men for visiting during shore leave. A booth at the back was dark and secluded enough to take the edge off his fear at least momentarily. He spent seventeen of his forty-two credits on spotchka before he allowed himself to regret it. Twenty-four before he was allowed to realise that they would soon send troops after him. And a full thirty before he could finally approach the truth: he was never going back, and this departure was long overdue. CC-2224 was a wanted man.
            All of which left him with one final, looming question. He knew of clone deserters. Many. Some of his closest vode had come up on the daily reports as having slipped away in the night or disappeared during routine operations. Where they went next, how they paid their way, who they became… Cody had no hope of knowing. He was a soldier to the core of his being: his mind didn’t flex the way some of his brothers’ did. He knew little of the streets, the real world outside his insular military mindset. He knew how to plan an operation to take down a smuggler ship, not how to talk his way onto one. But unless he could get off Coruscant, he was a dead man walking. An example to be made to the other remaining clones, like the few captured deserters he’d seen before. The ones he’d forced himself not to look away from. The storm in his mind still rages, the water rising, and his chest tightens against the fear of drowning. From the depths another name rises, another he has fought to keep in his mind.
Rex is out there, somewhere. Reports had come in of his activity. They did not name him, and yet Cody knew immediately beyond any shadow of doubt. He could recognise Rex’s strategies from a mile away – fiercely clever and confoundingly crazy in equal measure. The Empire kept it quiet, not wanting to let slip that his numbers were increasing and their activities growing bolder. Weapons shipments disappearing. Counterfeit chain codes distributed to fugitives. An entire Imperial Freighter hijacked, once. Though he knew he was supposed to feel only contempt for such treasonous actions, Cody hadn’t been able to conjure anything but pride in his vod’ika, even before deserting. Now that he is allowed to think like a traitor, Cody allows himself a smile, his first in weeks, at the thought of seeing his brother again. Knowing Rex, though, finding him would be no easy feat. He was more cunning than Cody in espionage, always had been. His comms were airtight, his trails nonexistent. Making contact would be tantamount to impossible. Although not quite as impossible as the other thought tugging at Cody’s mind, the other path he felt himself being swayed towards. Regardless, both were pipe dreams until he got some credits together and left this planet far behind.
            So it is here that Cody finds himself. It isn’t even an argument in the end. He had expected some trepidation as he tried out the thought of selling his armour. But propriety and nostalgia are weak arguments against self-preservation. It only made sense. He is instantly recognisable in his armour. It weighs him down, and it’s worth the most by far of anything he had to sell.
A worn-out chime rasps through the pawn shop to signal his entry, and he somewhat awkwardly weaves his way to the counter at the back. His movements are still impeded, despite stripping his upper armour off to leave only his blacks. A surly twi’lek greets him with little more than a bare lift of an eyebrow. Could be that he isn’t the first clone deserter to find their way to her. Could be her profession demands she keep an unwavering demeanour. Or, it could be the death stick dangling at the corner of her mouth. It certainly explains the haze and smell permeating the cramped space.
“Selling or buying?”
Cody hefts the pack containing his helmet and upper armour to the bench.
“How much for the whole set?”
After a clumsy attempt at haggling, he relents on a price that seems at least halfway fair. Even throws in one of his larger blasters to sweeten the pot, only keeping the smaller, more easily-concealed pistols to himself. The twi’lek catches him off guard when she asks him for his name. She must sense his panic, the slightest twitch pulling at her mouth.
“Don’t worry. Doesn’t get shared with the seccers,” she said. “Don’t even have to be your real name. Just something you can give if you come back.” Cody can’t picture that ever happening. And yet, after a beat of silence, he speaks.
“Dar’ruus.” Nodding sluggishly, the twi’lek scrawls the name down on a stained sheet of flimsi. He spends the first part of his pay picking up a shirt, a pair of worn pants, and a jacket. Second-hand but sturdy, some type of synthetic animal hide. Dark colours, easy to blend in. He fastens the jacket up to the neck and pulls on the hood, but still, he feels bare. Raw and exposed, like a tauntaun with newly shed skin. The twi’lek regards him with the same steady disinterest as when he’d first entered, barely moving as he approaches the counter to pay for the clothes and a few basic supplies. His armour still sits next to the till, not yet put away. Gingerly, he runs his blaster-calloused fingers over the helmet’s top fin one last time, as if in apology, though he is unsure to what or to whom he is apologising most. When his fingers reach the end, tumbling from the once-golden crest, he takes a long, deliberate breath. He sets his jaw, straightens his back to raise his chin above the fog of guilt constricting his lungs, and does what he always has done: put one foot in front of the other, and trust that the plan, whatever it may be, will catch up with him.
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tereox · 7 months
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Warmup #11 - Codywan
Rating: T
Prompt: Enemies to lovers but only one of them thinks of them as enemies (the other one still remembers how they asked the local witch to wipe their lover’s memories to keep them safe)
~~~
Obi-Wan chuckled. It was a sound Cody had gone so long without. He looked up, through the wisps of flames between them. The campfire crackled along merrily, not aware of the shift in mood.
"Do you remember the first time we met?"
Cody did.
"It's not even that long ago."
For Cody it was. He remembered their first meeting; Obi-Wan didn't, and it tore him apart.
Obi-Wan shifted, gripping the mug in his hands tighter. "You were such an asshole. You tried so hard to scare me away from everything magic and bright in the world."
Cody shifted his gaze into the flames. As if they could blind him and make sure he never saw Obi-Wan as he once had. As if they could make him forget as well. "I had my reasons." His voice sounded frail even to him.
Obi-Wan looked at him and their eyes locked for just a moment. "Yeah? Tell me."
Cody shook his head, his words buried under a layer of ash. He knew the details of the spell. Telling Obi-Wan about their prior experiences, anything concrete that would help him remember if he still knew.. the spell would shatter under the weight of it.
It had been added by the local witch as a last resort. As a mercy if he couldn't keep up the act anymore.
It felt more like a curse. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't have Obi-Wan knowing.
The prophecy was very specific about its activation requirements. The one mentioned in the scriptures had to know about it. Otherwise it would find a new chosen one.
Perhaps it was selfish, not telling Obi-Wan about it. But it wasn't an urgent prophecy. Nothing terrible would happen if a couple chosen ones were skipped.
Something nudged his side and he looked down to find Obi-Wan poking him with the stick they'd used to roast their food.
"Sorry. I can't."
He pushed himself up and ignored the hurt look directed at him. He couldn't let him know, even if it shattered their relationship to pieces.
At least Obi-Wan would still be alive.
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darthyourmomgay · 2 years
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Because Kenobi is only 5 days away here is my perfect and perfectly accurate Obi-Wan playlist
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tragedy-for-sale · 2 years
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The amount of unfinished clone fics in my drafts scare me...
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des8pudels8kern · 6 months
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Cody: Are my feelings for General Kenobi real or just a side-effect of having been made for the Jedi? Best to assume it's the latter and not do anything about it.
Cody, two minutes after meeting Anakin: Kriff, I'm definitely in love with my General.
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starwarjotta · 1 year
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so angst it is
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sabellart · 2 years
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it’s what they both deserve
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phereshift · 1 month
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Mini comic page based on @ooboowoonkoonooboo's codywan fic 'The Land of My Father'. The angst in this fic is VERY REAL so check (and double-check) the trigger warnings first, but I found the storytelling and emotional conflict incredibly rewarding. It's not very often that I am so driven to complete an entire art piece based on fanfic so all of my kudos goes to the author for crafting such a tangible world! C: <3
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drauthor · 2 months
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New Fic Alert:
So, just to make this very clear, we're blaming @shootingstarpilot for the absolute monster this story has turned into.
Please enjoy the first chapter of It Takes a Village, a story of found family, court drama, and a few guys being both really bad and really good at romance:
If you had asked any one of the Fett brothers if they expected to find themselves embroiled in a fierce court battle involving child abuse and murder because Helix Fett was soft under all the grump and snarling, they would have laughed in your face.
Except Cody. He wouldn't have said he saw it coming per se, but he's not surprised. After all, Stitch was Needle's best friend and he needed help. He knows his brother; they were involved as soon as Helix laid eyes on the kid.
--
They say it takes a village to raise a child; Cody can only begin to imagine what it takes to put a child's abusive parents in jail and then adopt said child.
Due to a series of quite fortunate meetings, the combined power (and villages) of Cody Fett, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Mace Windu are aiming right for the Su-Burtonis--and their mysterious benefactor--and they have no idea what's coming for them.
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backpackingspace · 26 days
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Hey can yall help me find a fic? Pretty please? It's one of my favorite and I swear I bookmarked it but I can't find it now.
Its a post order 66 stars wars fic. I think there's two in the series? But the premise is that padme gives birth on the way to mustfar so she and obi ean go on the run and meet up with Rex and ahsoka. Everybody is having a bad time in their grief and lashing out at obi wan who slowly stops talking. Eventually obi wan goes off on a solo mission and ends up rescuing Cody and a few other clones. They continued to go off on missions together and continue to save more clones. Eventually everybody starts to heal and make up.
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tereox · 1 year
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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi Characters: CC-2224 | Cody, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Original Clone Trooper Character(s) (Star Wars), CT-1292 | Laughter (OC) Additional Tags: CC-2224 | Cody-centric, POV CC-2224 | Cody, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Hidden Injuries, Broken Bones, CC-2224 | Cody Needs a Hug, CC-2224 | Cody Needs a Break, Clone Troopers Deserve Better (Star Wars), Clone Troopers Speak Mando'a (Star Wars), Obi-Wan Kenobi Speaks Mando'a Summary:
After a grueling campaign, Cody is just about ready to collapse. He does.
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toshiiiart · 1 year
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tragedy-for-sale · 1 month
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Favorite Liar pt. I
I have yet to see people talk about the physical pain Obi-Wan must have been in during the Hardeen arc. I mean, this man was constantly getting beat up and had dozens of untreated injuries. Not to mention, we saw how much pain he was in during the facial transformation, what about the pain turning back?
─── ❖ ── ✦ ── ❖ ───
Obi-Wan found it humerous Master Windu and Master Yoda had failed to mention how much this would hurt. But Obi-Wan knew if they kept adding on to the already long list of things that made Obi-Wan want to back out, that he would have. He was already lying far beyond he'd ever wanted to, he'd already hurt all those he loved and he didn't dare ask for forgiveness because had their places been shifted, Obi-Wan would have a hard time accepting an apology all the same. But this, this was just cruel. Returning to Obi-Wan Kenobi was a lot harder than becoming Rako Hardeen.
He would be lying if Obi-Wan had said he hadn't been avoiding Anakin and Ahsoka. He felt their betrayal all throughout the temple, from star systems away he could sense their pain. Pain that he caused. Obi-Wan couldn't stand that truth, he'd hurt them and there wasn't anything he could do to make it alright. His need to help others had only hurt the people he cared the most about. So there Obi-Wan sat, alone in the medical wing of the temple, hidden far from others, where he could hide and no one would see the shame on his face.
He looked out the window, that was all he could do. Upon his initial scan, the droid pointed out his several cracked ribs and the transformation back had left his face swollen and bruised, and the voice changer had left his throat feeling as if he'd swallowed blades. So Obi-Wan laid there, holding himself tightly as he fought the pain that came with each breath, as he prepared himself to swallow and whince at the pain. But he didn't have enough energy to whince, he didn't have enough energy for anything at all.
When hours passed, he woke up and shot up as he grabbed the container on the bedside table. He'd been terribly nauseous and he had yet to be able to keep anything down. Obi-Wan fell back onto the pillows, staring at the wall, he'd asked for privacy and he'd gotten it. Mace nor Yoda had come by since. Plo had left flowers, a rather odd gesture Obi-Wan thought, but appreciated it all the same.
Sitting up, he held his hand closely to his chest, moving slowly to ease his pain. Obi-Wan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he could make it to the chair, Obi-Wan knew he could, it wasn't as if he'd gone through a major trauma, he was fine. He was just in a lot of pain. Nothing to worry about. Swinging his legs over the bed, he braced himself and with another deep breath, Obi-Wan stood up. He was leaning against the bed but he felt he could do this. He could make it to the chair. His left arm was still pressed against his aching chest, but he could make it. Step after step, he could make it- he really almost did.
Obi-Wan took too confident of a step, he felt blades against his lungs and he fell. Obi-Wan whimpered as he opened his eyes. His entire body shaking. He felt a wave of frustration wash over him, he slammed his fist down. "Dammit-" He whinced, eyes flooding with tears as he let out a sob. Obi-Wan shook his head, he shouldn't have done this, he didn't want to be fighting with Anakin, he didn't want Ahsoka to be mad at him, he didn't want his friends avoiding him like the plague. He wanted to be chasing after Ahsoka, finding Anakin in hide-and-seek, he wanted his family close, not held at arms length. He wanted Cody. Most of all, he couldn't stand Cody hating him. He loved him too much.
He'd been so angry with him, and Obi-Wan just stood there, wanting to tell Cody that he loved him, but Obi-Wan would open his mouth to say it but nothing would come out. He had tried to grab Cody's hand and Obi-Wan was still haunted by Cody yanking his hand back. He wasn't strong enough for this. He tried so hard to be okay with losing everyone he loved, he tried so hard not to be swept away by the undercurrent of remorse, but he'd failed so miserably. He cried for Cody, for hours, Cody's anger echoed in his mind, Cody fighting him until his tears caused his anger to resign. Obi-Wan had done his duty as a Jedi, but he'd lost everything, now all he had was himself, and he wouldn't choose to spend the rest of his life with himself. He wasn't someone Obi-Wan liked.
Obi-Wan fell onto his back, gasping for air. He shouldn't have tried to be brave. He should have just stayed in the bed. He shouldn't have tried to be a Jedi, he should've been selfish and let another take upon this task. He couldn't handle all the people he loved being angry at him, he couldn't handle being alone. Obi-Wan closed his eyes, he could feel his entire body shake, he was so cold. But he couldn't get up, he couldn't move his hand, he couldn't even think to use the force. All he could do was lay there and think, think of all he'd done,
Think of all he'd ruined.
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Part two here
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