#but they didn't feel like psychotic episodes.
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i have got to get medicated again this is getting out of handddd
#fisherman's ramblings#this is light enough that it can go on main idc#but just got hit with a wave of horrible Depression Feels and it's like. wow okay i was literally just sitting here. my day was good.#where the hell did you come from#AT LEAST IT'S NOT PSYCHOSIS (hopefully) THO FUCKKK THAT SHIT#hopefully the doc was right and my psychosis delulu shit will subside if i treat the depression. we'll see#same with adhd i gotta get that sorted out. if i want to do school stuff.#i never did find meds that worked tho!! so. we'll fuckin seeeee!!!!#shout-out to the doc at the ward who just gave me an atrocious amount of adhd meds to the point where i'm pretty sure she just could've put#me on tranquilizers and had the exact same effect#i was out of it for actual days even after i got out of there... why did she do that....#the ``symptom`` she was trying to treat was an extension of paranioa. from the psychotic episode i was having#so naturally the fuckin?? adhd meds didn't work LMAOO??#SO SHE JUST KEPT UPPING MY DOSE??#girlypop what was the REASONNN#sorry didn't mean to ramble in the tags.#actually no this is my blog i can do what i want
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we've just had one of the weird as fuck panic attacks we used to get as a teenager that feel really different to the ones we normally get now, but I don't think we've had one like this since maybe early 2016 so I have no idea what to make of us having one again now
#personal#thoughts#Lucy post#vent post#our usual panic attacks now tend to involve a lot of hyperventilating and usually crying#whereas these weird ones we used to get kind of come on slowly with really heavy derealisation and a creeping sense of dread#and increasingly strong palpitations and not quite lightheadedness but something similar#and we just sit there feeling increasingly scared and like nothing's real while our heart pounds in our throat and ears#there's a really specific vibe to them and I think generally they're a lot scarier than our usual panic attacks#these ones make us feel a lot more like we're dying#we didn't recognise what it was at first because it's been so long and I don't know what triggered it either#but the good news at least is that the stuff that helped when we used to get them still seems to help#unfortunately they originally started during a combined psychotic and dissociative episode that really fucked us up#and we kind of have a lot of the same feelings going on which doesn't feel like a good sign
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Why are these things dangerous to people’s mental health? Does not knowing if something is real or not cause them to go insane? Genuine question.
There are some mental health issues in which a person may experience delusions or instances of derealization in which they either feel detached from reality, or actively hallucinate distressing scenarios which may prompt them to do things they wouldn't normally do.
I do not experience these things as part of my mental health disorders, so I cannot speak on their behalf. What I can try to explain to you is how I experienced psychotic symptoms from certain medications.
I was very detached from my physical sense of self, and did not realize I'd injured myself several times because I could not feel my body. I also suffered from distressing visual hallucinations out the corner of my eye, as well as terrifying dream-like states where I didn't know if i was awake or asleep. My sense of rising paranoia had me convinced I was being stalked and in danger, and my flight or fight instincts wanted me to run off and hide and not tell anyone where I was because I didn't know who I could trust. Hopefully you can see how dangerous that could be to a vulnerable person in an altered state.
Fortunately, I knew what was happening, and was able to come off the meds causing the issue fairly quickly. Others are not so lucky, and have to be vigilant about what could trigger an episode.
For some people, being gaslit or being made to doubt their perception of something--like whether a 1970s Gangster movie that suddenly Everyone is talking about as though it is real-- can be a destabilizing experience.
Obviously not everyone experiences these things the same way. Mental health issues are a spectrum.
But that doesn't mean we shouldn't be kind and mindful of others who do experience things this way, especially when they are expressing distress and requesting that people clarify things or, in the instance of Tumblr, tag them so that they can avoid them.
I hope that helps.
Also, if I got any of the language wrong, someone please correct me. This is not something I am as well versed in as other areas of mental health and I will gladly make corrections with apology where necessary.
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Bipolar!Shigaraki Tomura Headcanons
I'm writing it. Because I CAN
Before I start, I am writing these headcanons as someone who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 for almost three years now. I frankly could not care less if people don't think he has Bipolar Disorder, I'm writing this for my comfort and that of others who either have Bipolar disorder or just resonate with the idea that Tomura does.
and I'm also very aware of Bipolar Disorder being stigmatized as something that affects "bad" people. I'm not trying to suggest this, but that Tomura is someone who is neglected of treatment.
Warning: Bipolar disorder as title suggests (Tomura's symptoms relate to type 1 more), talks of depression, mania, psychosis, suicidality, etc, angst?
Tomura has never been given a formal diagnosis and likely has no clue that he has bipolar disorder himself. He doesn't know much about it, either, other then the stereotype that people with general mood swings are "so bipolar."
The doctor knows, AFO does too, but for them, they see it as more ammo for their arsenal to make sure Tomura's life is nothing but agony. He's never been treated with medications or therapy. Nothing.
Because he isn't medicated, his episodes are pretty strong. His manic episodes sort of blend in with his everyday behavior to a lot of people.
It's during this time that he finds himself planning out grand operations against the heroes. Some of his ideas seem unrealistic and not well thought out. They're more just ideas thrown around, and he jumps to gather people and means to carry out his goal before actually having a calculated plan.
He's up all night doing this. But if he's not, he's likely gaming. He huddles up in his room with multiple cans of energy drinks (as if he didn't already have way too much energy).
(semi-canon) will text his comrades at godforsaken hours either asking, demanding, or just rambling about stuff. If he gets an answer, the recipient often finds themself confused because Tomura just talks and talks and talks, and when he's in the heat of some plan or project he doesn't really stop to compose his sentences or even take a damn breath.
He impulsively buys things, like copious amounts of in-game purchases. Or DoorDash. If he's feeling reeeaaal bold he'll go for a whole-ass gaming console if he can, even if his current one is perfectly fine. Or assembling as many thugs as he can and feeling generous enough to overpay them when they definitely don't need the amount of money he's giving them.
You can see how when AFO was arrested, his lifestyle shifted in this regard.
Tomura is already an irritable guy, and so his mania can make it worse. He gets very overstimulated with all of his sensations that little things, like accidentally stubbing his toe, can make him mad as fuck for a good thirty minutes.
He also gets very paranoid about others. When he talks to people, he's already convinced that they are tricking him somehow and he'll read every cue he can to confirm it, even if the proof isn't even there.
Even when he's out in public and by himself, he thinks everyone is mocking, judging, and looking at him. That also comes with being the most wanted villain around, but that's beside the point.
When something finally goes his way, he is HAPPY. Sometimes the League will catch Tomura smiling his face off for no apparent reason (odd for him), and will ask what's up, only for Tomura to CACKLE back with, "ehehAHAH NOTHING!! THAT's just IT!"
They look at each other like, but just let him go about his day. They'll later hear him giggling to himself in his room, and sometimes talking to himself. He'll deny and just tell them he was on chat (his devices are not open and he is standing in the middle of his room).
Because he's not medicated, his mania can trickle into psychotic symptoms. Especially if he's going through more stress than typical. He hears voices that tell him mean things. Sometimes they're the voices of his dead family.
And because he doesn't sleep much, he sees detailed shadows and things moving that aren't. It disturbs him, but he accepts it and tries to just push on. But sometimes if he hears voices more than he'd like, he gets sad and has to grip his head and whisper "shut up shut up shut up" to negate them.
He's delusional, too. AFO's grooming and constant monitoring of his whole life have definitely emphasized his distrust of everything around him. Sometimes he'll think that the people he's gaming with online are secret hero spies trying to get him to reveal himself. He also has a fear that someone is watching him in every location, and he'll think that even the silliest things are cameras or microphones, or that those around him are also spies. Later on, it becomes paranoia that his master is everywhere.
Then comes the doom of depression
For Tomura, he's technically always depressed. But when he goes into a depressive episode, he's pretty lifeless.
He's complacent about his goals. Sometimes he'll get a tiny idea that makes his brain go !, but then he thinks of all the planning behind it and immediately slouches down on any nearby furniture
He'll lay in bed for a long period of time doing nothing. Sometimes he'll try to play a game on his phone but he gets bored quick.
Tends to eat more during this time because it's the only joy he can get. And he gets bored. He is SO BORED
Anhedonia is a bitch
His brain dwells and rambles, yet his thoughts don't make sense to him? He's constantly thinking about how fucked up his life is, how better other villains are, and how much he hates All Might and heroes altogether. He tells himself that if it wasn't for all of that he wouldn't feel this way (relating to the depressive episode).
It overwhelms him and he tries to sleep it off, but he's somehow so depressed that he's UNCOMFORTABLE. His itching gets bad.
He is very suicidal during this time and hurts himself to try and subside it. If you asked him his reason for living, he'd tell you "to see this world crumble." But he's too busy crumbling in his bed.
Psychotic symptoms can occur during his depression, too. Especially if he hasn't slept.
His lack of medication usually causes him to swap back to mania somewhat soon (2 months or so). He definitely has rapid cycles.
Because his condition isn't managed, his brain is sort of in an in-an-out stance when it comes to his literal sanity. He has moments where he can definitely be level-headed (he gets rrly confident when he notices it) but when his anger and stress fuel him more than usual, he spirals and quite literally sees red. Sometimes he can't even tell if he's dreaming or not. Often mistakes the date and day of the week.
:(
I might write a fic of the reader comforting bipolar tomura. I don't think I've ever seen a fic like that for any character.
#shigaraki tomura#shigaraki tomura headcanons#tomura shigaraki#tenko shimura#shigaraki headcanons#bipolar shigaraki#the league of villains#shiggy#shigaraki x reader
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Some people (including myself) are Eddy apologists for this exact reason too- they can understand why he acts as he acts, where do come from his anger and insatisfaction with his life, and how he often gets a pretty unfair treatmente in some episodes (To Sir with Ed, Sorry Wrong Ed, X Marks the Ed, Who let The Ed In, The Good, The Bad and The Ed). On other side other characters (the kids) act just as bad as him and (almost) always come go unpunished. There several years ago Eddy got lots of hate, he was demonished and treated like a real monster and a sociopath by the fandom, devoid of any redeeming qualities. People who feel sympathy for him for his background and some of these episodes began to come to his defende and shows how he is a great character with a lot of good moments and a heart deep down.
Edd, on other side, always had the ''elite treament'', he was a angel, a perfect princess, who can do anything wrong in certain fans's eyes. Not to mention he pretty much overshadowed every other character on fanfics and fan arts, was everything about him. Another fans (usually Eddy fans) naturally got sick of this and started to push his flaws, the moments were he acted like a jerk, and how he's not above anyone on the show. And how not all his actions are (indeed) justifyable. Summing up, people were just sick of seeing Eddy being treated like a psychotic monster and Edd as the Jesus Christ figure.
Politely, just clarifying this to you. Good afternoon.
First of all, thanks for politely telling me all this! I wasn't really aware of all this because I only joined the fandom 5 months ago. And I totally get this, that's why I made the post. I saw some posts of people talking about those people who think Double D is an innocent little angel and I started to wonder if people think that about me, if I ever sounded like that, and I started to worry that someday I would sound like that in one of my future texts and videos talking about him. I hadn't thought about it when I made the post, but I hope it didn't come off as rude or an "attack" (???), I was just afraid that people would mistake me for one of those annoying people and just wanted to clarify that I'm not, because I really like this fandom and I don't want people to think that I'm annoying or that I make superficial analysis of the characters (because I personally think that oversimplifying Double D as good and Eddy as bad is something people do when they watch the show very superficially). I tend to be that type of person who feels the need to always clarify and justify myself for fear of others hating me, and also, I'm a little traumatized by Twitter where people tend to be very aggressive and mean to you for everything and assume things about you and not explain things to you etc etc... so I was a little anxious after making my post, afraid something like this might happen, but from everything I'm seeing, people on Tumblr seem so nice and kind in general. So I want to thank you again for being so kind and actually explaining the whole thing to me :)
Eddy is a character who's very easy to be wronged and misunderstood because he has great depth, several layers, insecurities and traumas that he covers with his false confidence and "jerky" attitude that he tries to copy from his brother. Obviously not justifying people treating him like a monster, just explaining that unfortunately we live in a world full of superficial people who aren't concerned with paying attention to details and stopping to really interpret and analyze things carefully and attentively, and understand that people are complex, characters are complex, and Eddy is a highly complex character. To these people, it ends up being more comfortable and convenient to just be content and cling to the character who, if seen superficially, is the "perfect little angel" who "suffers at the hands" of the "evil Eddy". I love analyzing and reflecting on things deeply, and it really irritates and frustrates me that people don't make the effort to do the same, and that happens in real life too. People quickly judge and have difficulty understanding that people are not simple and have different reasons for acting the way they do. I know it's hard to deal with people who act like jerks, I have a hard time myself, but I just wish there was a little more empathy in the world. That's one of the things Big Picture Show teaches us, right? Don't judge people because sometimes the jerk person is actually a very broken, insecure and frustrated person who just wants and needs to feel loved and accepted and doesn't really understand that. I think it's so important to learn that because it's true, sometimes people act mean not because they're actually mean, but because of so many other reasons that they themselves don't comprehend or don't want to show, and the "mean" disguise is just the way they found to defend themselves and survive.
I think (at least I hope?) it's noticeable in some of my posts that I also love Eddy (as a Double D kinnie I think it makes sense to be in love with him xD just an EddEddy joke to lighten up, but honestly I think people like Eddy are my type), I love analyzing and reading other people's analysis of his character and story, but my sympathy for him just grew in the last 5 months in fact, when I became hyperfixated on EEnE much more intensely than before and finally started to get to know about the whole story and characters. I even made a post once talking about thinking that he was my least favorite Ed, because before he actually was, but after rewatching the entire show now as an adult (the last time I watched I was a kid who didn't even understand a lot of the things that happened) and starting to analyze and read about it, now I'm very obsessed with him, I think his character is so interesting and deep, that he has the most interesting backstory and the best character development, and I even make more edits with him than with Double D (I think I tend to be obsessed with controversial and complex characters who are full of content to analyze from a psychological point of view like Eddy. A good example is Jinx from Arcane, I just love her character so much). I also recently realized that he's a lot like my brother, no wonder our mother often misunderstands him. But I get it, they (Eddy and my brother) are just people who are very hard to deal with because they carry several issues that you need to have good maturity and emotional structure to deal with, but it's so good when you can get to know a little more about them and help them get through these things when they open up and allow themselves to be discovered and helped.
Today I came across a post (which was honestly the trigger that made me make my post) from @eddfumo saying that they think Double D wants to be like Eddy in some way, and you know what? This is so true! I'll use my own experience to relate to him and explain him again, but anyway, I'm so envious of people/characters like Eddy. Even though they tend to irritate me and I even disapprove of many of their actions and decisions, they also have a determination, confidence (even if it's false, they're still able to act like confident people), attitude, audacity, strong personality, rebelliousness, extroversion and "not giving a shit" energy that I so wish I had too. I really admire these traits and I think Double D deep down does too (I like to headcanon him doing the same as I do and secretly fantasizing imaginary and hypothetical situations and discussions in which he acts more like Eddy, and he feels so good about himself afterwards, but feels frustrated that he doesn't have the nerve to do this outside of his imagination in real-life situations). Even though they have questionable morals, this type of person are so inspiring and you can still learn so much from them. It's no wonder Double D grows so much and becomes a more confident and less people-pleasing person because of Eddy's influence.
So yeah, it sucks when people simplify characters and see them as black and white, good and bad. The EEnE fandom is unfortunately not very big, but luckily here on Tumblr, at least currently, it's full of people who do in-depth analyses, and that makes me very happy!
EDIT (I'm editing to add one more thing because I forgot to mention another topic that complements what you said about the other kids acting badly too and not receiving any punishment):
One of the many things I plan to do after rewatching the show a few more times to properly absorb everything (I need to rewatch things at least twice to really take it all. Plus, I rewatched it the first time with the Brazilian dub because nostalgia and now I want to rewatch it with the original lines) is count how many times the Eds do real scams. Because honestly, there are a lot of episodes where we can't really call what they're doing "scams" because they're not actually scamming anyone, they're just selling something honestly and without harming anyone, but things always go wrong even when they're not doing anything wrong (often because of the Kankers, for example) and this is frustrating as hell to Eddy.
Since I haven't rewatched everything twice yet (because I'm still in the process of subtitling the entire remastered version of the show to rewatch it properly because English isn't my first language), I don't remember all the episodes accurately and clearly. But the last one I subtitled was "In Like Ed" (season 2, episode 9), so it's the example I have freshest in mind, even if it's not the best one. I know, the Eds were inconvenient in this episode crashing Jimmy's party (even though I think it's so lame that they rarely get invited to anything because the kids exclude them), opening his presents and everything, but one thing that stuck in my mind was the fact that when Eddy opened the present in front of them and revealed the sewing machine, Jimmy just said: "I'm so misunderstood. I wanted a pony!". He didn't say anything about them ruining the surprise or anything, he just started crying and ran away because he didn't get a goddamn pony. He just complained about someone's present, despised the present right in front of the person, and all Kevin said was "There goes the birthday boy. You dorks wrecked another party!". Like?? Jimmy cried because he didn't get the present he wanted, and not because of the Eds. I could even consider the possibility of them giving him "preferential treatment" and ignoring him because he's younger, but there are times when Kevin doesn't give a shit about Jimmy being younger, like in "Know it All Ed" (season 2, episode 1) when he uses the squirt gun on him, mock him and call him "twerp". Anyway, regardless of being younger, he was so rude and no one gave a shit, and not only that but they even acted as if it was the Eds' fault that Jimmy cried and ran away.
So yeah! The kids (especially Kevin) always blame the Eds (especially Eddy) for everything that goes wrong, even when it's not really their fault. And as you said, they also act badly, but nothing happens to them.
#ed edd n eddy#ededdneddy#ed edd and eddy#EEnE#double d#eene double d#edd#eene edd#double dee#eene double dee#eddy#eene eddy#eene analysis#my analysis#my headcanons
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The fucking things they dont tell you when you fucking start Testosterone.
Yeah, everybody knows about the deeper voice and the dreaded asshair, but these were my unfunny little surprises after 3 months on T. Reminder that shit will always vary from person to person because we're not all clones of each other, whatever.
1. Bottom growth fucking hurts. Sometimes I don't want to wear pants. I knew it would happen, didn't know it'd be so uncomfortable. And it starts fast. Like first dose fast.
2. The irritability goes fucking CRAZY it's like I'm constantly PMSing. I get why dudes punch walls. Oh my god. I know how to keep my anger wraps, but holy shit.
3. On the topic of PMSing. I had temporary worsening of menstrual cramps. Jesus fuck. I was having pain before menstruation started for days, and sometimes just randomly. I hope it doesn't flare up, but it seems to be calming down now. I think my body is freaking out over weird hormone levels.
4. Vocal fatigue. Talking hurts. I expected voice cracks, obviously, but why the fuck does this shit hurt? I don't even want to talk that much anymore. My voice just gives out. It's still deepening, so a win is a win, I guess.
5. Apathy, emptiness, anhedonia, and numbness. My motivation has tanked. I don't fucking care anymore. I just want people to leave me alone so I can take a nap. I already had mental issues before starting T, and I don't think T gave this to me, but it's definitely changed how I feel my mental illnesses. I have to like relearn how to cope and shit. I don't recommend starting hormones if you're an emotionally unstable dumbass like myself. This is literally second puberty, mood swings and teen angst included. I am a volatile, angry little man.
6. Anxiety. Like I said, teen angst. My panic attacks now include intense nausea, which is New and Uncool. Dunno why that happened. But I'm just nervous. There's nothing to be nervous about. I consistently feel like I've forgotten to do homework. I am not even in school anymore. Rad!
7. Psychosis? I had my first intense psychotic break at 14. It lasted 6 months, give or take. I've had shorter episodes on and off since then. My symptoms are stress based. The emotional strain is, naturally, pushing me towards the edge again. I am sure I will explode brilliantly and violently within the weeks to come.
8. Male loneliness is real dudes. Have friends.
9. It's harder to mask. I've been periodically going mute again. I'd never really stopped, but it's more frequent now.
Anyway that's my rant I think.
I'm not telling you not to do hormones. I'm not your dad. But it's not fucking easy. Anyway I have no intention of stopping. I am thuggin that shit out. I had a really really tough time during first puberty, and I suspect I'm going to have issues the second time around.
I am happy with the changes I am experiencing physically. I still feel confident and sure of my identity as a trans man. I am just not very happy about losing control over my mental state again. We'll see how it goes. If I'm lucky, I'll get medicated. I can't afford a therapist right now.
Good luck out there, whoever you are.
#testosterone#hrt#ftm#ftm hrt#gaht#gender affirming care#transgender#lgbtq#trans man#trans masculine#rant post#medical transition#hormones#hormone therapy#genderqueer#borderline personality disorder#schizophreniform
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how do you imagine them reacting to the other one's death?
oh my. I imagine that if Hannibal was killed, Will would enter a cold state and track down however was responsible. "Even Jack?" didn't he throw Jack to Hannibal in Mizumono even after Hannibal gave him a chance to not have a sacrifice? Jack almost died. Will did not gave a fuck. In season 3 when Alana tells him that Jack was alive his response was "good for Jack". So yeah. I don't think Will truly cares. I actually think Jack is very aware of this and it's why he could've easily killed H in s3 but didn't and told Will "I might need you to kill him".
And I think Hannibal would reenact his fanart of Achilles and Patroclus lol. I think he'd cry over Will's body and gradually lose any real energy left in him and would exist without being alive. He was already showing signs of...I don't wanna say depression because Hannibal doesn't apply to normal conditions, but he surely hinted at a type of self destructive "energy" (the whole line about wanting to jump in front of a train, the mind palace funeral, his face after seeing will in the church in s3, risking his literal life when surrendering, etc). I think he was surviving before he met Will, his over the top attitude and lifestyle seemed like a coping mechanism, hence the pitiful thing sometimes born in hospitals, but after experiencing such profound connection, I don't think he'd know how to handle being without it. I kinda feel like he'd might even consume him completely raw and with teeth, in a psychotic episode to attempt to have him with him, or the opposite, and just refuse to dispose of the body.
#it'd be dramatic#hannigram#nbc hannibal#hannibal#will graham#murder husbands#hannibal lecter#hugh dancy#mads mikkelsen#ask the lamb
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(I'm listening to thick skull by paramore ft julien baker as I write this)
tw; depression, depressive episode, psychotic break
raindrops pelted bluntly against the glass of the window, splattering like the cold blood of a dead animal.
“ have you ever felt... sad? ���
marko looked up at you from the book he held - the diary. your diary. he had swiped it from your vanity when he first entered your room. now, he was lying on the futon across the room; just lined up right from your bed. “ what? ” the blonde asked, confusion lacing his tone. his brows were even knitted together.
“ sad. ” your voice held an empty undertone to it while you sat upon your window's sil, a perfect spot to sit and watch the show fall in the winter. but as of right now, you were busy watching the rain splat against the ground, the gloominess of the weather fitting the foggy look behind your eyes perfectly. “ have you ever been sad, ‘ko? ”
marko slowly turned his head to looked at you, then. his neck was craned backwards, so to him, you looked as if you were upside down. his arms lowered to rest the open diary against his chest. “ where is this coming from, babe? ”
you had been a little off the entire time he was here, but he didn't think anything of it. you often had mood swings, sudden emotional changes - he thought, maybe, it was one of those nights.
he was right, but very wrong.
you had run out of medication the day prior.
“ I feel as if I want to jump out the window. ” you spoke coldly, eyes fleeting between the ground and your shaky hands. “ I just... I don't want to be sad anymore. It's like a permanent epiphany. ” your lips had begun to quiver, finger tips curling inwards, until the dull ends of your nails were digging into your palm.
instantly, marko rolled off of the couch, only to stride quickly over to you until he was kneeled by your side.
he went to speak, but you did before he could, “ I feel as if I'm realizing, all the time, I'll never get better. ” a shaky inhale was taken, while you stared down at your bare feet. your toes were turning purple from the cold; such bad blood circulation you had. “ these thoughts will never go away, they'll always be here. I'll always be here; struggling to accept that I'm not worthy of living, or— ”
“ baby- angel. ” your teary eyes turned onto marko as he grabbed your hand closest to him. his expression bores pain and concern; those usual happy, gleaming eyes of his holding nothing but hurt now. “ stop, ” the blonde spoke softly, the usual playfulness of his tone gone. it weighed down with raw wariness. his other hand -that had been pinned to his knee- reached up to cup over the chilly back of your hand. you felt so cold...
“ firstly, you know I hate when you talk about yourself that way. ” you didn't say anything to that. instead, you avoided eye contact- but marko forced you to look at him again by squeezing your wrist. his hues were stern; but not a scary stern, more concerned. “ secondly, you're not unworthy of living. you're the most precious thing in this world- to me. to david, dwayne, paul. even michael. ”
a beat of silence passes, before marko continues speaking, “ which leaves me wondering why you'd think such a thing, let alone say it out loud. ”
you were quiet, not wanting to speak anymore. your thoughts were everywhere- so were you. It was terrifying, so terrifying. what if he'd hate you? what if he currently does, and is just dealing with you? so many possibilities- so, so many.
“ y/n. ” blinking, your mind cleared just enough... just enough to look up, and see your mate sitting directly in front of you. he squeezed himself into the other side of the windowsill. even though he looked cramped, even though it was humorous, you still didn't crack not even a smile.
“ don't get caught up in your head again.. ” marko whispered, now taking ahold of your other hand. he squeezed them both.
it was such a small gesture, but your favorite source of comfort. you loved hand holding; he knew this. marko was trying to ground you.
“ .. that's hard... ” you mumbled back, eyes darting, “ so very hard. I'm scared, marko. ” you still couldn't look directly into his eyes. he noticed, but didn't comment on it.
“ babydoll, ” his frame shifted so that he could become more comfortable. then, he learned down, pressing a kiss to the back of each of your hands. “ I'm here.. ” each of his thumbs locked over your fingers, only to gently massage them; slowly working downwards. “ I'll always he here. I won't go anywhere - not while you're like this. ”
“ but- ” you panicked almost immediately. more tears stung your eyes as you bolted forward; knees tucking under your behind. “ you'll still leave? ” a sniffle broke through. “ even after I'm better? ”
marko frowned, his eyes widening. he had realized his mistake. “ no! ” he was quick, moving his arms to wrap around your waist. your body trembled, but he still moved to lift you until you were in his lap. “ no, never. ”
lifting your legs, you maneuvered them over his thighs, only to wrap them around his waist. he glanced down momentarily- but then his gaze was right back on your tear stained, blotchy cheeks. “ angel... ” you slowly, but finally lifted your head to look up at him. a smile managed it's way onto his lips. “ I'll never leave. not in your darkest moments, not in your lightest. I'll always be around. we'll always be here for you. ”
slight disbelief lingered in your eyes, he could see it. but... he knew, as well, you were thinking it over. “ do you promise? ” your voice came out as quiet as a mouse, an edge to it- but, thankfully he could hear you.
marko grinned. “ I promise. ” he held out a pinky towards you; other arm keeping a secure hold. “ pinky promise. ”
you sniffled once more, but managed your own small smile.
lifting your hand, you hooked your pinky with his. “ pinky promise. ”
“ good girl.. ” marko kissed your forehead tenderly, letting his eyes fall shut.
“ there's no need to ever feel scared, princess... your family will always be by your side to scare those monsters away. ”
#the lost boys#the lost boys 1987#marko tlb#marko the lost boys#marko x reader#tw: depressive thoughts#tw: depressive episode
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I hate the way the Fandom babies Taurtis and Grian and demonizes Sam.
Sam shows clear hints of psychosis and is a mentally unstable weird kid. Yuki used that to her advantage when getting over Taurtis. I feel like everyone overlooks that, C!Sam was just a mentally unwell kid who got manipulated and make him out to be this demon when in reality he was more like "I love my friend Taurtis and I can't live in a world without him" followed by Yuki "who said he was gone?"
And Grian isn't a helpless baby! He was afraid of Sam during the week of where he was 'Taurtis', but he wasn't shaking in his boots, trembling in fear afterward! If anything, he seemed more angry. He could have left. When he got a gun, he could have shot Sam. He could have left him for the Yakuza, but he didn't. He even defended Sam occasionally. They were still childhood friends! At the end of the series, the end of the world, it was just them. They had time to learn and heal
And Taurtis isn't a helpless baby either! He was the popular kid! He had friends and a girlfriend, and almost everyone liked him! Plus, episode one literally implies he's a murderer if you overlook when he was ACTUALLY a murderer. Not to mention, Taurtis seems to have lived with Sam his whole life. He was desensitized to the psychotic behavior. I believe it's also why he FORGAVE Sam. Sam probably would have cried and commit a Yuki if Taurtis didn't forgive him.
Basically, Taurtis and Grian aren't helpless depressed kids. They're traumatized kids for sure, and Grian was definitely depressed, but not to the extent people stretched them. Sam isn't the big bad mean guy. He was their childhood friend with psychosis, manipulated to do terrible things.
-
#Yandere High School#Yandere Highschool#YHS#YHS Confession#Samgladiator#Anonymous#C!Samgladiator#C!Yuki#Sir Cutie Yuki#Taurtis#C!Taurtis#Grian#C!Grian#Fandom Neg#Fandom Take
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So I started watching the first episode of The Sign, right? I'd had it on my computer for a couple/few days and couldn't immediately remember what it was actually about, but I knew it was a new Thai BL genre mashup thing I'd seen on my dash and that's good enough for me.
A team of special agents infiltrate a big warehouse/facility place at night. Okay. Cool. There are bombs and a hostage? Sure. One guy tells other guys what to do, so he must be the leader, and he tells a few guys to focus on the bombs and the others to find the hostage. They encounter bad guys when they get inside, and some of the fight choreo is cool and some of it is absurd, but I'm just happy to be seeing an action-oriented BL series and I've seen worse crimes committed by a low budget, no big deal.
But it's been a few minutes into the first episode now, and I'm starting to wonder a few things. We have stakes, technically: there are bombs and a hostage--it would be bad if the bombs went off while the team was inside because they would get hurt or killed, and by default we don't want to see a hostage harmed.
But we have no context. At all. I'm five minutes in and I know nothing. Who's the hostage? Who are the bad guys? What do the bad guys want? Why do I care? I'm assuming this is like some quick action-y beginning and we'll cut to a main character at some point to see the "real" first scene of the show, but now it's been like seven minutes and we're still here in this warehouse place. If the special ops team are supposed to be the cast, I haven't heard a single scrap of dialogue that wasn't about the task at hand. I haven't even seen anyone's face yet.
Tagging @bengiyo, @lurkingshan 'cause they were interested in a side comment I made about this in some tags.
Even when they finally start to pull up their masks and talk, it's all immediate business (which is somewhat understandable given they're in danger but we're still lacking important context). Who am I rooting for? Who are these dudes? Why is this one sequence taking over ten minutes without giving me anything or anyone to latch onto? Are they assuming I read a blurb on the premise of the show and then immediately hit play? Because that's a cardinal sin--you never assume that everyone who watches your show or reads your book will know the premise, even in this day and age. You always lay in the necessary exposition/context to immediately anchor the audience into the premise and main character (or cast). (The only time you can assume everyone already knows at least the broad strokes of a concept is in fanfiction, but even then there could still be changes you made that you need to clue people in on from the get go. )
Then Tharn got his first premonition about Phaya, and I was like 'ohhhh, this is a story about a guy with some form of precognition who's in some sort of special forces. I wish they could have brought this up ten minutes ago, but okay.'
And finally, the big reveal: it's all a test! They're trainees, not officers! Well, that certainly explains why we got zero context all this time, because they didn't want to give away The Trick. Except it didn't feel like a clever rug pull at all. Worrying that the audience will clue in to what's going on doesn't mean you get to just Not Tell Them. You mislead them instead. The team could have easily rattled off the necessary details and context about the mission--after the training reveal, we would have chalked it up to practice mission prep. And with no context or reason to care about anything, I sat there for fifteen minutes only to be told that I didn't have to care anyway because it was all staged.
I would have taken any context, even something super cliche and ham fisted. "Okay boys, remember: our old mission commander is being held hostage in there and they'll kill him unless we hand over their psychotic leader. It took us weeks to track them down to this warehouse, and if they escape again it's game over. Don't let me down!" or something, anything for me to latch onto besides Dudes Doing Things. It's okay to mislead the audience, in fact you pretty much have to in order to pull the well worn "it was all an exercise" trick in the first place.
And fifteen minutes to pull all that off was a rather astonishing waste of screen time. The opening scene in the 2009 reboot of Star Trek establishes a handful of characters, makes you care about them, takes them through an amazing high stakes action sequence, and has you in tears at the end as we watch a guy we've only known for a few minutes sacrifice himself to save what's left of the crew as the film's protagonist--his son--is literally born, and it does all of that in almost half the time.
Compare that to The Sign, where in fifteen minutes we know: dudes in black fight things, one guy has premonitions, and actually they're trainees. No complexity, emotional stakes, or context beyond that. I was floored.
But what really made my jaw drop came after that.
A first episode has a lot of heavy lifting to do. You're introducing a world, a cast, promising the type of fun that's to be had, kickstarting the central relationships, etc etc. One of the most fundamental aspects to all this set up is to let us know why the main character/cast is here, what they're trying to do, and why it matters if they fail. And the entire first episode of the sign doesn't have that. At all. Period.
Oh, we're introduced to characters, the harsh training, Tharn's gift, Tharn and Phaya's initial dynamic, but once again we're given no context or emotionally relevant exposition. Who are these dudes? Why are they training? Why do they care about becoming special ops? What's their motivation? Goals? Obstacles in the way of that goal? Motive/Goal/Obstacle is the engine of story, and we're not given a single one until--and this is what blew my mind--almost halfway through the second episode.
In episode two we finally get a line from Tharn's bff about how if Tharn doesn't get onto the special ops team he won't be able to investigate his dad's (parents? can't remember) mysterious death.
A goal! A reason to care about Tharn's training! Emotional investment! Except it's coming way, way, wayyyyyyyyyyy too late. We should have known about this in the first five minutes of episode one. They should've found another fake hostage, Tharn should've lifted his mask and said "shit, if we fail this I'll never have what I need to find out how dad died." THANK YOU, now I have a reason to care.
I was shocked at such a massive oversight, like I'm gonna remember it as a cautionary example for a long time 'cause that's just wild to me.
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The Umbrella Academy season 3 review post
I finally finished season 3 of tua even tho I've watched first two seasons first day they came out and oh boy do I have things to talk about-
To begin with, the things I like about new season:
- The way we finally dug into Allison's trauma and how she starts going psychotic is actually a good plot line especially the accent on how she just like any other Umbrella Academy people indulges in self-distructive behavior, she's really just like them
- Diego getting a kid as someone with the biggest daddy issues out there is a realistic plotline because having a kid (even if Stanley's not actually his) heals him in this regard tho he and Lila would get a kid anyway eventually but they really should've been more sad about Stanley thanosing out of the existence you know
- Five being the founder of The Temps Commission makes so much sense as he's the one with the power to travel time of course he's more powerful than it seemed
- Good music scenes. Music is what season 1 was incredible for and what I love about the show. In season 2 there weren't many scenes that caught my attention but in s3 it's definetely better. We got Klaus's death montage with "Crystallised" by The xx and celebration scene with "Another one bites the dust" by Queen + Luther on moon and "Friday I'm in Love" by The Cure these were really nice.
- The Oblivion Hotel is such a cool location and concept (a place for everyone) I like the change of place of action a lot, but the way it's a portal is kinda overused imo
- Lila and Five are still the best characters and carried the season
- Fei is such a cool chara with a distict character design (which most of Sparrow Academy lack tbh)
Now things I don't like:
- Ben being just a placeholder character is such a bummer because instead of getting angst and drama we got a mostly one-dimentional anti-hero who has a completely different personality from Ben. We got a tiny bit of his character when he admitted he just wants to be involved with everyone but it's really minimal.
I can't believe Klaus says "He's an asshole and he's dead to me" like WHAT DO YOU MEAN fuck no Klaus would not say that shit and he would not just give up on him. Yeah Luther says stuff like "I'm glad to see you even if you're different" or whatever but it's Klaus who've spent the most time with Ben.
The way literally any other actor could have played Sparrow Ben and nothing would change is lame af I hope in next season we will see more changes
- Same goes to my dear Grace who's just a placeholder for black hole worshipper like what do you mean we just got one phrase from Diego and that's it??? This whole bit with fake god and stuff really threw me off it didn't go anywhere
- The Sparrow Academy being one-dimentional characters in general like I get producers probably didn't have enough episodes to actually develop characters but holy shit are they boring.
Even if you want to make them just antagonists we had such cool villains in two previous seasons they were original and interesting (aka The powerless podcast-fan male manipulator Peabody and The Cunty Handler)
Also the way the fisrt Sparrows who died were the most annoying and cliche assholes makes them just filler charas
- How show tried to make us feel compassion to Reginald Hargreeves holy shit do I hate this guy- After Klaus realised his father was basically killing him over and over in his childhood instead of Klaus getting mad or upset and having a breakdown we got nothing.
He even came back to new timeline Reginald who's "nicer" for this asshole just to hurt him AGAIN
- Klaus mostly being a comic relief in this season is so fucked I love this character and in previous seasons we had a great look at his life and experiences but now he's just kinda there being high and that's it
"mm I guess he died a few times it's probably enough" - plot writers
no character development whatsoever is just upsetting.
And the amount of unnecessary traumatising aka Reginald training him was really not it, even if it's supposed to be a joke.
- Reginald being a two-faced ass like holy shit is this terrifying. Pogo was the one who gave Sparrows pills and now Klaus helped him to stop taking them and this asshole is taking advantage of naive and vulnerable Klaus.
It is in fact a good plot twist but bro I really did prefer Reginald being a cartoonish villian instead of actual pure evil like how does he have shitty motivation but still does just so much shit.
- The Umbrella Academy family having no improvement in their relationship. They still don't care Klaus relapsed, they still don't care about Viktor. All they care about is their own misery which is really in character but with three seasons out of the way and only one more left I would expect at least something you know.
- Viktor is still left out. Like bro the only compassion he had is only when he transitioned but this is it?? Bro's still waiting till someone comes and cares about him but not only this doesn't happen, he even gets rediculed by Sparrow Ben for that and called emo are you actually kidding me what's with all the hurt with no comfort???
It feels a lot like when you're mentally ill and your family kinda "walks on eggshells" to not trigger you but it's in quotes because they don't actually care. They act nice just because they think you're psycho and you would make less problems if they pretend. And this is very sad, Viktor is such a tragic character.
Okay that's it for now. If you have any thoughts please share in comments!
#the umbrella academy#tua#tua s3#tua s3 spoilers#klaus hargreeves#ben hargreeves#allison hargreeves#diego hargreeves#lila pitts#the sparrow academy#viktor hargreeves#reginald hargreeves
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Zuko : Hey Katara, according to these reasons, we're apparently supposed to be together?
Katara : Huh? What can they be?
Zuko : According to our shippers, you're the first person who saw good in me–
Katara : Sure, I was the first person who trusted you but Aang saw goodness in you, before anyone else did, including me so where does that leave us?
Zuko : Not to mention, I betrayed you a minute later and never thought about it again. But Aang's words haunted me multiple times afterwards, so does that mean I like him too?
Katara : Also, apparently because you let me touch your scar so uhh we like each other??
Zuko : Makes no sense. I was literally flinching and I let Mai cuddle into my scar all the time and feel a lot more relaxed with her? Or are we ignoring everything else and only focusing on what you and I did for each other?
Katara : It's also because we were once teased to be a couple and denied it? So we secretly like each other and in denial?
Zuko : Bullshit! I had the exact reaction of annoyance when that Jin girl was called ‘my girlfriend’ and I was more than happy to confirm Mai was my girlfriend. Maybe...maybe it's not denial and I only like it when my actual girlfriend is called my girlfriend?
Katara : Besides, if we're shipping based on who shipped us then doesn't mean I and Aang were foreshadowed since the beginning since Sokka called him my boyfriend in the earliest episodes?
Zuko : Well we're also compatible because uhh I was ready to help you in finding your mother's killer so I understand you better than Aang?
Katara : I'm pretty sure you helped me because you had compassion for my situation and wanted to gain my trust. But Aang, out of all the people, knew that it's not in my nature to kill anyone, and he was right because I didn't bring myself to kill him. And he knew if I did kill him I'd regret it, he was there comforting me when I blood bended for the first time even if it was to help my friends.
Katara : And he doesn't “understand” me??? Do they realise Aang is a genocide survivor, who lost EVERYONE he loved to the fire nation? Of course he understands!
Zuko : Yeah! Not to mention, I also went on a life changing journey with Sokka and Aang as well, it was supposed to be a part of my redemption arc. There were no romantic undertones?
Katara : Okay so we're also popular because you took a lightening for me and they see it like a big romantic moment where you sacrificed yourself for me.
Zuko : But...you're my friend! I have grown to see you and the rest of the gaang as my friends, if your life is in danger, I'd try to save you obviously. What did they expect me to do? Stand there, doing nothing and let my sister kill you? “uhh sorry Katara since I don't like you romantically I'm gonna let you die”.
Zuko : Besides I also risked my life for Sokka by accompanying him to the Boling Rock and let Appa free before we were even friends. What's next? I'm in love with Appa as well? Wasn't this a big part of my redemption arc that once I was willing to kill and capture you all and now I'm ready to die for you, which shows how much I've changed and matured as the show went.
Katara : Besides if we're talking about big sacrifices with romantic undertones, then Aang was ready to give up the avatar state for me even though the fate of the entire world was dependent on him. He was willing to choose me over the entire world.
Zuko : And Mai betrayed the entire fire nation for me, ready to fight my psychotic sister's wrath despite knowing she could die doing so, and even accepted to get imprisoned. Or are we ignoring what our canon spouses did for us and only focusing on what we did?
Katara : Either way, a lot of it seems far fetched and over analysing to me.
Zuko : Same.
#atla#avatar#avatar the last airbender#zuko#katara#aang#mai#kataang#pro kataang#maiko#pro maiko#anti zutara#zuko x appa new ship since appa truly trusted him before anyone else did and zuko didn't break it
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I know a lot of Richonne fans get annoyed by Jessie due to Those People but it's actually comedy gold if you imagine Jesse surviving and her and Rick (who was basically mid psychotic break at this point) attempting a relationship. Every possible version of events is just MESS
Option 1: The entire Anderson family survives the walker invasion of Alexandria
Everything else remaining constant except the immediate events leading to their respective deaths - Ron still hates Rick for killing his dad, is actively plotting to kill him, and TRIED TO MURDER CARL in the garage. Somehow I feel like it will be very hard for them to Brady Bunch that shit with one familial murder and one attempt. Also Michonne lives with the Grimes so are they or Michonne moving out? Because if Michonne is in another home, Rick is suddenly going to be in a shared custody situation where he gets Carl and Judith every other week. comedy. I almost almost wish Jesse didn't die just because the Rick and Michonne divorce arc before they even start dating would have been kinda amazing. Also has Carl ever in his life spoken to Jesse? The vibes would be awful.
Option 2: Jesse and Ron survive, Sam Dies
Again, as long as Ron is alive there's the whole attempted murder issue happening. Also Sam dies because one of Rick's little friends traumatized the shit out of him and yeah Jesse wouldn't know that but if her husband and son died in like a 3 week span and she thought that was the time to ride a cowboy, I mean - come on.
Option 3: Jesse and Sam survive, Ron Dies and/Or Option 4: Only Jesse lives
These options are super fun and possibly my favorite because, again, leaving everything else constant and Ron dies exactly the way he dies in the episode - Jesse and Rick are starting this relationship while she mourns her son, who shot out the eye of his son, and was killed by his best friend/roomate. And guess what - Rick wouldn't say shit to Michonne. Can you imagine Jesse trying to be mad at Michonne - it'd be like "SHE KILLED MY SON" and Rick would just shrug emoji that shit off lmaooo
#I've actually spent a lot of time thinking about this#because every variation of events is so silly#richonne#rick grimes#michonne grimes#and the AU rick and jessie fantasy where everything goes horribly wrong but like...in a funny way
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AITA for not wanting to talk to my exes anymore?
It's been two months and I'm still thinking about this. I (22nb) was in a semi-platonic/semi-romantic relationship with two people (both 20+) I thought were really genuinely lovely. There were communication issues but we're all three traumatized and have massive issues with confrontation so I sort of let a lot of it slide. A lot of it was them just... not telling me things? they'd go to each other for support when they were having bad times but never me. Nor would they ever tell me what was going on - both would just vanish and not respond for like 3 to 6 hours every evening with no warning.
I did ask at one point if one of them could at least just... drop us a message and be like "talk later, having a hard time". Which I feel like isn't unreasonable? It apparently was though.
So February into March this year was really tough. I was in my final year (technically the final two months!!) of my undergrad and coping with some abuse in therapy, so I was a bit more all over the place. One of them started really just.... not talking to me and the other started being really off. Like if I spoke to them, it was in dms and never as a group until they wanted to call and play something in the evening.
In March, I had a massive mental health crisis personally and due to some really unfortunate circumstances, ended up unmedicated. This resulted in a psychotic episode (that I identified and informed them about). During this, one of them suggested that if I was having such a hard time with them, if breaking up would be better. And I sort of lost it? I wasn't mean, but I was really stressing that my paranoia and erraticness wasn't about them - I was having a psychotic episode and was incredibly mentally unwell.
It ended up with them both being angry at me and not speaking to me for a day. Everything proceeded far more awkwardly from there. I got back on my medication and somewhat recovered, but ended up needing to move back in with my parents during the exam season (I was a danger to myself). The night I got home, they broke up with me specifically. Because it "didn't feel like we were partners anymore" and I was "unhelpful and uncommunicative". They wanted to continue being friends though.
And I tried to be friends for the next month. I really tried. But it just felt... hollow. And then when I tried to inform one of them of something, they started lecturing me on my behavior.
So I decided... I didn't want to talk to them at that time. And I said as much, in private.
To which they took screenshots of personal conversations and posted them to a group server to prove they weren't the bad guys to mutual friends.
There were a lot of other little things. Like they'd talk to each other constantly but only one would talk to me consistently and this was framed as a "you're bad at communicating" thing to me. I tried consistently to reach out and show both I cared and ended up just.. being ignored or getting one word answers. Me expressing boundaries such as "can we have serious conversations when I'm level headed and not immediately (like not an hour after, I mean Directly, 2 seconds later "hey anon here's a boundary I never told you" after) after I've had a depressive breakdown or me asking to take ten minutes to settle my emotions when being told things were both sort of dismissed. Or even just... they always Expected I'd be there for group gaming sessions with their friends/did gaming sessions without me but got wildly upset when I spent an evening calling/gaming with a friend of mine who lives in a different country (to the point of being petty enough to make another server without me with a couple people and game/call Only There for like a week).
I just got... fed up with being treated like the bad guy? I wasn't always nice, but neither were they. I tried consistently to communicate/be as reasonable as I could and just felt like I was hitting brick walls. Communicating how I wanted the relationship to look always turned into me mimicking an abusive ex or something (seriously - one of them said that something I asked for was what their wildly abusive ex did and therefore wasn't okay).
I'll also note - I only ever shared parts of the breakup with close friends in DMs or in private conversation. Never publicly, and with minimal screenshots. Nothing I said was in a public space at all.
So Tumblr - AITA for not wanting to continue the friendship?
What are these acronyms?
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Episode 51 - High-Temperature Trap (part 3)
They're insane.
Took him long enough. Also, love how Kerubim recognizes him by his evil-ass smile. Do you stare at him smiling a lot, whenever he comes to beat the shit out of you, Keke? Is this ingrained in your memory?
This, too, is doomed toxic platonic brotherly yuri.
"Not my favorite brother" I know that a lot of people interpret this line as him casually dropping the ecaflip demigod lore, because, sure, they have like, 20 brothers, but...
But considering what we know about the Crepin family from the comic, — I like to think this is Kerubim trying to hurt Atcham by implying that he likes their dead brothers, — whom they barely remember due to those dying when they were like 7, — more than him.
This might be a reach, but it's a funny reach, okay?
It's so nice of him to correct Kerubim on the exact wording of the death threat he usually uses. 🥰
I'm insane. Just so you know. Like I have no comment, other than saying that I am insane. "My dear Kerubim," and "your beloved brother" make me lose my mind.
This is beef between two people who used to be besties. The affection they held for one another is used as a sort of sarcastic ammo. From Atcham's side, with "dear," and "beloved brother," and from Kerubim's side, with "not my favorite brother."
There's a lot to unpack here, and a lot of it was unpacked in previous posts, — but...
Atcham viewing Kerubim's situation when they were kids as better is depressing.
Despite this being a perfect plan to kill Kerubim, even the idea of besting Kerubim in the self-esteem psychic warfare makes him grin. If he can't get rid of him, he will put him in his place.
To Atcham, Kerubim is the egotistical one, obsessed with what other people think of him, — and to Kerubim, Atcham is the psychotic insane menace to society. And neither really stops to think about the fact that they hate the other for the things they do themselves
You just know Atcham is thinking about how narcissistic and mentally ill Kerubim is to be caught in a saw trap like that. Despite being the "so obsessed with Kerubim that he keeps building him saw traps" guy.
Yet again, I'd like to reiterate, that I NEED Kerubim to drop the Atcham lore.
This is what I keep saying about Atcham being edited out of Kerubim's life — and about Atcham probably building other saw traps for him.
Here, Kerubim attempts to reach out and let Indie know that, despite everything, he does like him. Indie's response is that when Kerubim dies, his body will be an awesome to display in his museum.
I already talked at length about how fucked this moment is, in the long Kerubim analysis. God.
I really do think that Kerubim had a lot of warm feelings towards Indie that may not have been entirely reciprocated, which lead to him playing up his own hatred towards Indie.
...And he had to deal with Indie saying this, while the other person he tries to hate but can't quite manage to, was present.
I would say this is worse than going to a battle too.
From Kerubim's point of view, Indie didn't lose because he might have deep, hidden feelings of camaraderie for him. He lost because he was a better person.
While Kerubim proved himself to be exactly who Atcham thinks he is: someone so egotistical that he'd rather die, than be embarrassed.
Drinking tea from a dainty little cup while his evil twin is dying. Freak.
He assumes that everyone is as obsessed with their self-esteem issues and hatred as he and Kerubim are.
Just like it didn't occur to Kerubim to stop giving a damn and prove his brother wrong for once, it didn't occur to Atcham that Indie might not hate Kerubim that much, or care about winning.
You won the war for Indie's heart, Keke, and all it took is a near-death experience and him learning even a bit about your insane familial drama. We are so back.
One of the crack theories I used to have, is that Atcham might have killed indie sometime before the movie, — however, considering he doesn't recognize Lilotte, I think he's just saying shit to be scary here, in hopes Indie changes his mind.
Very eloquent. sdfgsdfgdsfg
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Today I had an observation and evaluation with a program supervisor at my internship and it went really well!
Most notably though, afterwards during the debrief she made a comment about how I always have a super good attitude. All of my marks on all of my observations and evals have always scored me crazy high for positive environment, good rapport, good attitude, etc. She was like, "Have you always been like this? Like, were you just this bright smiling confident little boy that was friends with everyone?"
And it was just crazy to hear. I honestly kinda laughed and was like... NO. I explained my backstory a little--Truth be told I was one of the shyest people I have ever known as a kid/preteen/teen. I would make up excuses to avoid going to restaurants with friends because I would feel like I was going to throw up from the anxiety imagining ordering something. I couldn't look people in the eye, couldn't shake their hand, I was terrified to meet new people in any context. I heard the phrase "come out of your shell" 50000000000000x from teachers and other Trusted Adults. My parents were always on my case about it. I remember being like, 12 or so and my mom asked me to run into the store and pick up some milk while she stayed in the car and I just couldn't even IMAGINE a world where I would do such a thing. Like, this is such a vivid memory to me, I remember my mom was annoyed and said something like "How are you going to survive one day when you live on your own?" and I legit could. not. imagine. ever being able to buy something at a store and check it out and deal with a grocery store employee face to face. It legit felt impossible.
As an older teen I started making a really, genuine, honest, active effort to change. Slowly. Truth be told I hated how I was. The social anxiety was symptomatic of a kind of larger issue or a bunch of interconnected issues. I was the pickiest eater I knew. I had dealt with genuine psychotic episodes from around age 14. I had trouble maintaining a single friendship. I was having panic attacks so bad I would end up puking. I was extremely dysphoric and didn't want to be perceived by anyone; I knew nobody would see me as anything but a girl but I felt like I was in genuine danger if I said anything, so I just felt like I was lying to everyone, all the time. It was a lot. I wasn't happy. I made a lot of small changes. Some of these were lifestyle-related: I left public school and switched to independent study. I graduated early and started going to my community college. I got involved in clubs that interested me. But honestly a lot of them were more, like... psychological? Personality-based? More intangible things. I feel like I started engaging with some really introspective shit like
Asking myself, what am I so afraid of? What is the worst that could happen? And actually going through the motions of picturing all of those things, and how I would realistically deal with them, and also realizing that none of it was actually that bad, at all. I could manage literally any of the things I was terrified of, and a lot of the time, there was nothing to be terrified of at all.
Reconceptualizing my social anxiety as an extremely selfish, self-destructive mindset. I think this is going to sound controversial but I believe a lot of my social anxiety was born from being too obsessed with myself. Not in a positive way; I HATED myself. But I was too obsessed with how other people viewed me. I was too obsessed with how I was perceived. To the point that I was treating other people cruelly. You know that tweet that's like "I told my husband that sometimes I worry he hates me and secretly gets annoyed by me, and he said that it made him sad and he wished I wouldn't think of him that way"? Yeah. This also meant doing stuff like developing better social skills for conversing with people that centered them instead of me, like learning how to recognize social cues that didn't really come naturally, asking more questions, being more expressive/reactive, allowing other people to talk first... little things.
But also developing conviction in myself! Realizing that if someone DID think I was stupid, or annoying, or was unnecessarily rude or cruel to me, that they were the one in the wrong. Becoming more confident in knowing who I am and what I'm about, so that if someone judges me, that's on them, not on me. I don't exist for other people. I'm doing my thing authentically, and if other people can't see that, that's on THEM, not on ME.
The two nails in the coffin that buried my social anxiety six feet under for good was getting into the goth/dark alt community and transitioning. Both of these were legitimately life saving. I already loved the music, but I found myself actually wanting to be apart of the community surrounding it. I wanted to go to concerts and see my favorite bands, I wanted to go to clubs and hear the music I love played loud and dance to it. I wanted to dress up and appear Cool to the people I found cool. I literally had to get over it--And when I did go to concerts and clubs and interacted with other musicheads, they were the friendliest, most accepting people I had ever met. It wasn't even that I clicked with everyone instantly, I didn't make any long term friends overnight, but they were nice. They were understanding. They didn't judge me for being a baby bat who was literally bringing his mom to shows lmao. Being in the goth community made me love people, honestly.
And obviously transitioning was just... life saving, in every single sense of the phrase. I would not be alive or who I am in any capacity today if it weren't for transitioning, and it lifted a burden so heavy off of me that it's hard to really fully process the person I was before versus who I am today. Honestly, I almost feel like you could delete everything else and just have this post become a rant about how much transitioning and overcoming my social anxiety has a 1:1 correlation and how much dysphoria masks itself as or at least severely worsens other conditions. I'm genuinely happy now. I enjoy meeting other people. I love being seen as the man I am, navigating society and being authentically me. I think my social anxiety was inseparable from dysphoria. I think my dysphoria was genuinely deeply incapacitating in ways even I couldn't articulate or even fathom.
I did not tell my supervisor all this, LMAO. She doesn't even know I'm trans. I'm stealth to everyone in my program except higher-ups or individuals in my cohort who I've spoken with. But it just had me thinking A LOT about how far I've come. What I did tell my supervisor is, and I stand by this, that I think I'm generally considered a Likable Person™ who promotes Positive Environments™ because it's something I had to work my ass off for. It did not come naturally, and I think it's why I'm so, so cognizant of it.
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