#but it's also so profound because despite the many obstacles and personality differences. they all love one another and the sport so much. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

urdepressedslut · 1 year

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Stray ❝part eight❞

♡ Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader/The Winter Soldier x Fem!Reader

♡ Summary: An unexpected visitor comes knocking at the door, both you and Bucky freak out.

♡ Warnings: angst, fluff, paranoia, bucky being so freaking adorable im gon cry

Part 9

You had believed that you were far from a good person. That you were the monster you had been labeled as, the demon that lived on this land. Years of manipulation and torment had been tearing at your foundation, around the core of who you were. The walls crumbling, the lies sneaking through the cracks. You were confident that you had fallen onto the exact path that your parents had paved for you. You had gone from nights of sickness and denial, to swallowing the new truth. The reality hitting that you were a monster.

You had almost gotten comfortable with the idea of being an abomination. Until he showed up.

Bucky was somehow able to just appear and immediately start to change the way your brain had been training you to think. He was able to make you feel useful— feel like you could do good. His presence allowed you to prove to yourself that you were capable of being righteous.

He had you doubting even the most secure thoughts, almost sending you into a personal reset, your label erased completely. The spot blank, letting you decide who you wanted to be.

It was overwhelming to think of a single person being the cause of it all. This only had you realizing just how starved you had lived, craving the needs you never even knew existed.

Where you lacked comfort, protection and validation— Bucky provided, and for that you were unable to express fully how appreciative you were. Mostly because you didn’t understand any of it, you weren’t able to understand what you were feeling, when you had gone all your life living without it.

It was a strong attachment, in a way you depended on him for things you felt you were missing. But in the sense that it may be bad thing, you would gladly provide the needs he was missing, selfless in the act that you both needed each other.

It was always unspoken, but there was something fermenting within the bond. The lines crossing between friends to something profound.

You were terrified, but didn’t shy too far away. Meanwhile, Bucky was unsure— his ability to trust someone that deeply, scarred.

He trusted you completely in the sense that he’d let you hold a loaded gun to his head, knowing you wouldn’t dare twitch a finger on the trigger. But trusting someone that intimately was a wall he never thought he’d have to break down. Honestly, he wasn’t sure how.

You were only haunted by the idea. The dreadful clock counting down the days until Bucky switched, just as your parents did— because if your own blood could do it. What was stopping him?

There were so many invisible obstacles that stood in each others path, attempting to shield the other away, in fear of knotting the tie that had been stringing them together.

Confessing to Bucky had been a relief— yet horrifying. The weight was lifted off your chest, but with its absence came a new force. There was something so intimate about someone knowing every detail about you— every flaw. The stolen glances more intense now that he knew the real you. The air now thick with tension, in slight fear that he would ask questions.

Though you’d care if he tried to pry, you would also respect his want to dig. He deserved that.

Bucky didn’t know he could ever find someone so similar to him. It was a relief in a sense that he wasn’t alone, and someone else out there could understand him to a deeper level. But then there was the guilt, the waves of empathy knowing just what you’ve been through, the pain and suffering that you didn’t deserve.

Although he didn’t know your full story at the start, he knew you were different, and that you were alone. Maybe that’s why he felt so drawn to you— so comfortable.

All in all, you were two different leaves from the same tree.

Despite the pain— the old wounds that had been opened. He felt at ease, watching your silhouette reflect off the water. The ripples tickling your shins, blue splashing when you kicked your feet. The sun set surrounded you in a golden glow, the beams reflecting off your face in an angelic manner.

It wasn’t the first time he had thought of this, but it was the first time he welcomed the thought so willingly.

You were beautiful.

For now, he would blame it on his memories being spotty, but he just couldn’t remember the last time he saw someone so captivating.

He admired your strength. He respected the way you carried yourself, willing to stay positive through all the horrid moments. He hardly thought that you were weak, not believing any of your attempts to convince him. You were stronger than most, exposing your physical and mental scars to him. You were still here— that alone proved your solidity.

Bucky had given you space, time to let your mind drift. He felt you needed some time with a blank mind, after digging up memories.

After awhile of watching you from afar, he made his way towards you. Keeping his steps loud and clear, not wanting to spook you.

You heard his presence, the mere force of his footsteps enough to send vibrations into the ground. Before you’d try to bury your true self— masking the pain from him as he approached. Now you waited for him to come closer, continuing to carry a dull expression. It was refreshing not having to hide from him anymore.

Bucky lowered himself to the edge of the bank, positioning himself where his thigh brushed against yours. His touch already slowing your racing mind.

“You okay?” He murmured, his hand twitching— aching to hold yours.

You noticed his hand jolt. You slid your palm over your thighs, intertwining your fingers with his. Immediately he relaxed, melting from your touch.

“I’m better when you’re with me.” You admitted, watching his eyes soften.

“Then I’ll always be with you.” He countered, causing your heart to stutter.

Looking down in sudden shyness, you took a deep breath, focusing back on the water.

“Thank you for being so understanding. You shouldn’t be, but I’m so happy that you are. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you ended up leaving me.” You spoke out to the stream.

Bucky could detect your solemn tone, giving your hand a gentle squeeze of reassurance.

“I’m not going to leave you.” He told you confidently.

“You’re allowed to leave if you want, I won’t force you to stay. It’s always your choice.” You reminded him dreadfully, a knot forming in your stomach.

He smiled at your last words.

It’s always your choice.

It was quick after he opened up about HYDRA, and all the things he was forced to do— well all the things he remembers. You had reminded him for months that he was in control, you were constant in making sure he knew he had a choice in anything and everything. It was small gestures like that that made him admire you, seeing you care that deeply for him, he felt special.

“I know. I’m choosing to stay.” He told you, hoping you’d quit your convincing that he should leave you.

Your eyes met his again, holding his carefully as if you were searching for a lie within them.

“If you’re sure.”

“I am.” He whispered, gazing at you so intensely you wanted to look away but found yourself unable to.

The knot that had been forming in your stomach previously quickly switched to fluttering butterflies. Your whole body started to buzz, a hot flash covering you skin with a thin layer of sweat.

You were puzzled at your body’s reaction to him, but soon after the uncomfortable wave, came a nagging itch that needed to be scratched. A certain thirst that had never been quenched.

“Okay.” You put out, barely audible.

Despite the obvious tension that seemed to be brewing— you both felt secure.

At last, the sun had set completely. Both you and Bucky headed back to the house, hand in hand.

The gesture was more for their own comfort, but otherwise didn’t think too deeply into it.

He had mentioned something about food, and you couldn’t deny to yourself that you were hungry. So that’s where you found yourself, in the kitchen making waffles for dinner— with Bucky sitting at the island, waiting and watching you of course.

Soon, the two of you were digging into the soft, warm waffles. A pleasant silence filling the space as you two ate.

A particular bite had Bucky moaning in delight, unaware he let the noise escape him.

You couldn’t help the giggle that bubbled up. Your hand flew to your mouth, desperately trying to keep the waffles within your cheeks. The giggle shifted into a laugh, and you painfully swallowed your mouth full of waffles.

Bucky was snapped out of his euphoric moment when he heard the sounds of you struggling. Glancing over to you, he couldn’t control the twitch at the corners of his mouth when he saw your cheeks red, face scrunched up in joy.

Finally you let your soft laugh sound through the room, knowing you’d been caught.

“What?” He asked genuinely, a small smirk etched on his face.

“Nothing, nothing. Sorry I interrupted your little moment there.” You teased. You tried to calm yourself down before it shifted into a full blown laugh attack.

He was still confused, but found your smile to be contagious. Your face glowing with genuine happiness, his heart seemed to speed up at the sight.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

His words only spurred on another giggle, you couldn’t control yourself suddenly.

Bucky furrowed his brows at your laughs at nothing, and only smiled wider. It was only seconds later that he was joining in, your laugh also contagious. It was a rush of serotonin that had his brain clear for just a moment, and he realized.

He didn’t remember the last time he laughed.

He was addicted to the light sound of your giggles. It was becoming a tune that he wished he could hear forever.

You felt a rush of endorphins rush through your brain at the sound of his bellowing echoing through the space.

Although the sounds were completely different, you couldn’t help but let your mind wander to your brother— Tommy. Flashing images of easier times, while it was lived short, you still held onto those memories tightly.

You finally gained control of yourself, silencing your laughter. Your stomach cramped, your muscles tight from overuse. But it was worth the soreness, the lightness in which your body felt. The pleasant buzzing the filled your mind.

A knocking sounded from the front door, startling you, making you tense up. But soon, the feeling of panic began to drift.

It’s all in your head.

You began to internally chant to yourself, almost soothing the feeling completely until Bucky’s voice broke through the haze.

“Someone’s at the door.” He whispered, his body stiff. Immediately his demeanor shifted, going from playful to defensive.

Your body reacted similarly, shaking your head in disbelief— shocked that there was actually someone here. For a second you were about to dismiss the sound as a part of your imagination.

“I thought you said no one knew about this place.” He pushed, gently grabbing your arm to guide you to safety— which was by his side.

“That’s not possible…” You mumbled to yourself, heartbeat erratic with anxiety.

“(Y/n)… I heard it too. This is real.” He assured you, knowing the tricks your mind could play on you.

With a nervous swallow, you attempted to grasp onto the severity of the situation. You could wonder how later, now was the time to react.

The waffles were long forgotten.

A part of you felt relieved that Bucky was here to remind you what was real. Letting you know what was illusions and what wasn’t.

“Go upstairs.” He told you, leading you to the base of the stairwell.

Shaking your head, you tried to halt your movements.

“No— If it’s a cop at the door and he recognizes you… It could be bad. Remember how close you are to DC. You aren’t taking that risk, let me answer it.” You argued, beginning to turn to make your way to the door.

That was until Bucky pulled you back, not releasing your arm.

“No. I’ll be fine— now go upstairs.” He emphasized, his head motioning towards the second floor.

A couple knocks sounded again at the door, the air seemed to get thicker with tension. Sweat beads found their way to your skin, your body hot with panic.

“I’m not taking that risk,” You whisper shouted, “I don’t want them to take you away.”

Your confession had Bucky softening his gaze, releasing a breath he didn’t know he was holding in.

“I don’t wanna lose you.” He admitted quietly, the thought of you in danger too much for his mind to handle.

You understood how he was feeling, because you felt the exact same way. But it wasn’t up for discussion, he was the one being hunted. No one cared enough to seek you out.

Calming yourself, you grabbed ahold of both his hands, squeezing them tight in a promise.

“You’re not going to lose me Buck, I just need to answer the door. See what they want— and then they’ll leave.” You explained, holding his eyes with intensity. “I just need you to wait upstairs until they leave. Okay?”

Bucky was not okay with this at all, he was boiling up with panic, angered at whoever stood on the other side of the door. He knew you were right, and the sensible side of him fought over what he really wanted.

Staring at your interlocked hands, he reminded himself that he’d just be upstairs. Close enough in case anything were to happen to you.

Bucky nodded stiffly, watching your shoulders relax in triumph.

“Okay, now go.” You whispered, escaping from his secure grip on you.

Bucky’s breath hitched in his throat, the feeling of your hands slipping from his stinging. Without another word, he headed upstairs.

You took several deep breaths in, releasing them slowly through pursed lips— attempting to slow your racing heart. Your clammy hands smoothed down your dress, adjusting the material near your shoulders. Making it to the door, you did one more scan of the space, before you slowly opened the door.

Peeking through the crack, you locked eyes with older, cloudier ones. Relaxing only slightly, from what seemed to be an unlikely threat, you opened the door fully.

“Uh… Hi, can I… help you?” You greeted politely, failing at keeping confusion from your tone.

The gray haired woman smiled, her features lacking suspicion.

“I’m here for Mrs. (Y/L/n)— your Mother perhaps. She hasn’t been in town for awhile, was just checking in and personally I miss her dearly.” The woman expressed. “I’m Donna, old friend of hers.”

You couldn’t help the knot that formed in your stomach at the mere mention of your Mother.

Donna’s smile vanished quickly, scrunching her face up in confusion.

“This is… this is the right address I hope.” She thought out loud, tilting her head slightly to peek inside the house. “You’re (Y/n), right?”

“Yes, yes. Uh she’s not here… She’s… On a trip— vacation.” You lied, hating the way you couldn’t even convince yourself.

You wanted to ignore the fact that she knew your name, finding it odd that you had never met this woman until today. Was it possible that your Mother mentioned you to her? Why?

The gray haired woman shifted to a smirk, laughing lightly to herself.

“Oh silly me,” She paused, “Wait… they’re on vacation without you?”

You let out the breath you were holding in, thinking she was onto your lies.

“I’m fine… was upset at first but, I got over it.” You lied easier this time.

“Here all by yourself? Would you like company dear? It’s so lonely out here.” She offered, her concern genuine.

“No thank you.” You declined her offer politely.

“It’s really no trouble, I didn’t have much to do anyway.” She insisted, attempting to take a step inside the doorway.

Alarm bells started sounding inside your head, the situation becoming uncomfortable.

“Really I’m fin—”

“Don’t be so rude, invite me in!” She raised her voice, making you flinch back.

Whether it was your eyes playing bc tricks on you, but this woman looked awfully familiar to your Mother, and trust— that was a bad thing.

She looked around in embarrassment, and tried to sneak another peek at the inside of the house, but otherwise played it off by just glancing around nervously.

“Uh… Apologies. I’m never that pushy uh…” She trailed off, taking a step away from the door, “I should go.”

Her voice quieted to a whisper at the end, and without another word from either of you, she was walking down the steps. You kept your eyes trained on her until she was disappearing from your view.

A nagging feeling in your gut had you feeling nauseous, the alarm bells still ringing within your head. The so sudden and odd interaction over as soon as it had started.

How could something be so familiar, yet completely mysterious?

Finally backing into the house, you slammed the door, securing the locks. You couldn’t stop yourself from peeking out the windows, searching for her lingering figure. But found nothing.

Thundering footsteps sounded from the stairs, you stayed calm, knowing Bucky’s walking pattern by now.

Turning towards him, you were unprepared for him making his way to you in such a haste. His hands immediately hovered over you, his eyes searching your frame.

“You okay? Who was it? Did they hurt you?” Bucky rushed out in panic.

It was then you realized how stressed he looked, pupils blown in fear.

“Hey, hey! Buck, I’m alright,” You told him, “Just a friend of my Mothers.”

His eyes widened at the mention of your Mother. You could still see the fear lingering in his eyes, so you held onto his hand— in hopes it’d calm him.

“What did she want?”

“She wanted to see my Mother.” You replied, rubbing your thumb across the back of his flesh hand.

He nodded, shoulders losing their tension, gently holding onto your hand tighter.

“What did you tell her?”

“That she’s on vacation… I think she believed me.” You hoped, the last thing you needed was another visitor.

“You did good. Do you think she’ll be back?” He asked dreadfully, concerned now that she may stop by whenever.

“I’m not sure. It has been a while since she’s seen my Mother last, I wonder why she picked now to visit. Seems random… and just odd.” You admitted, the gut feeling never fully vanishing.

“Odd how?” He questioned, giving your hand a squeeze.

“I can’t really explain it but— just trust me on this okay?” You pleaded, needing to know he was on your side completely. You knew that already though.

Bucky nodded, encouraging you to continue. He wished you would quit doubting him all the time. He wished you could see how much he trusts you.

“I just got this feeling… A bad feeling,” You explained, “She just made me super uncomfortable, despite her being nice most of the visit. I mean, she seemed annoyed that I wouldn’t invite her in, but I felt uncomfortable even before that.”

Bucky nodded along as he listened, wishing he could ease all your anxieties.

“I’ve never seen her before, until today— but she seemed so familiar… it was creepy,” You thought out loud, “You probably think I’m nuts.”

Mumbling to yourself at the end, you all of a sudden felt embarrassed. Forcing yourself to believe you were just seeing things— feeling things. How much of today was real and what was in your mind?

“I don’t think that,” Bucky grunted, “I believe you and I think you’re smart to listen to what your gut is telling you.”

You nodded in agreement. Bucky grew all shy all of a sudden, staring at your locked hands.

“Thank you for protecting me… No one’s ever done that for me before.” He admitted, pulling you closer.

Your heartbeat started pounding, his hand suddenly burning your skin with intensity. You could feel blood rush into your cheeks, skin flushed with a thin layer of sweat. The closer you were pulled towards him, the more he towered over you, his bulky frame engulfing you.

You went to respond, but your voice got caught in your throat at the sight of his lips parting. His head began to lean down, his eyes jumping back and fourth from your eyes to your lips. His look held something of hunger— lust. Which to you was all unknown.

The faintest touch of your front to his was overwhelming. The heat sinking into your body, the two of you connecting.

Bucky gasped, despite him initiating the contact— he couldn’t fathom the way your body fit so perfectly against his. It was almost as though his craving for your touch has been satisfied, his itch soothed for a moment.

You watched his face with wide eyes. Your chest rising and falling, rubbing up against his muscular front. You let a rush of air escape your lips when you caught his head leaning closer to yours. You catching his gaze staring at your lips with desire.

Bucky watched as your tongue snuck out to wet your flushed lips, your breath quick and heavy— warming his face. He felt trapped in a trance, his body moving on instinct. Closer he inched, feeling your hands fist into his shirt. Your nails scraped through the material, the sensation over his pecks causing goosebumps to erupt over his skin.

You felt high off his scent, his musk intoxicating. The sight of his plump lips near yours had you shutting your eyes. You had no clue how to do this, this territory was untouched. For a second, you were scared.

A startling smack against the front window had you and Bucky jumping, both leaning away from each others faces. Without planning to, you both glanced to the window. The sight had both of you confused and at a loss for words.

The window was painted with blood, smoky feathers scattered amongst the red.

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kemifatoba · 3 years

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C/O Berlin Magazine | It’s a space for everyone, and everyone can come in — Thoughts for the future

“I cringe when I hear words like ‘diversity’ and ‘inclusion.” To quote the civil rights activist, philosopher, and writer Angela Davis, “diversity” and “inclusion” are terms that you, dear reader, might have also stumbled across in recent months, whether you wanted to or not. Inspired by global Black Lives Matter protests, mainstream media, corporations, and other institutions finally realized – in some cases as it seems overnight – that racism is also an intractable problem in Germany. Unfortunately, we need more than just hollow words and empty promises to solve this problem. You might be thinking to yourself: “But didn’t people take to the streets or write opinion pieces in newspapers to protest structural racism? And didn’t major institutions promise to offer diversity and inclusion workshops in discussion after discussion on television?” Perhaps, but don’t be fooled. Instead of critically questioning the role that white decision-makers play in perpetuating systemic racism, “society” was blamed. Over and over again, Black* people were asked to answer if they had really experienced racism through scrutiny of their real-life stories, while predominantly white “experts” were invited onto talk shows to discuss the so-called “racism debate”. Profound, structural changes are still lacking, at least as of the time this text goes to print.

Presence equals power. This brings us to the current moment where you are reading these words about British photographer Nadine Ijewere’s solo show at C/O Berlin. Nadine Ijewere is the first Black woman to be given a space that has previously been occupied almost exclusively by white men. As such, this exhibition is significant not only for Black photographers, but for everyone more used to being treated as the object than the artist or curator in spaces like this where many people don’t feel welcome or simply don’t exist. As trivial as it may sound, visibility comes from being able to hang pictures on a wall—or write these lines.

Joy as an act of resistance. Nadine Ijewere belongs to a generation of artists and creatives who have realized that there are more options than simply following the traditional path. Knowing that society has long since changed—even if many gatekeepers in fashion, art, and the media still cling to the status quo—this DIY generation is creating its own platforms to elevate their own role models with an army of loyal followers. In their work, representatives of this generation create worlds that rarely center Eurocentric beauty norms. The same goes for this young British artist, whose work shows people in all their beauty and uniqueness. Her photographs regularly appear on the pages of British, American and Italian Vogue, i-D, or Garage, and she has collaborated with brands such as Nina Ricci and Stella McCartney. Ijewere proves that beauty is multifaceted and that fashion is fun and for everyone.

More than a seat at the table. When artists like Ijewere make it to the top, it’s not because of nepotism, tokenism, or diversity as a trend, but despite all the obstacles that have been put in their way. And instead of assimilating after being accepted by the old guard, they continue to write their own rules. In Ijewere’s case, this means not only working with diverse models and teams, but also passing her knowledge on as a mentor to keep the proverbial door open. She’s less driven by the desire to stand out from the mainstream than she is to give back by inspiring younger generations, who are able to see themselves in magazines. “Within the time I have, I’ll use every opportunity I get and every space I can get into to expand the horizon of others.”

Representation matters. Celebrating Black people and people of color in a traditionally white space was also the goal of “Visibility is key – #RepresentationMatters,” a watershed moment for the German lifestyle magazine industry when it launched on vogue.de in spring 2019. The goal was to take first steps toward a forward-thinking future where inclusion and diversity would no longer be mere buzzwords, but lived practices. Part of that effort meant ensuring representation in front of as well as behind the camera. The results weren’t perfect and they might not have led to social change, but we proved that there isn’t a lack of creative talent among Black and Brown people in Germany. If anything, we proved that these talents are often denied the space to develop their full potential.

Ideas for the future. As you see, dear reader, it takes teamwork to bring about long-term change, and for the first time the doors are open a bit. Nadine Ijewere's exhibition shows this, as does being able to write these very words in the C/O Berlin Newspaper. In the statements below, we asked German and international artists and creatives to envision a future where representation and inclusion are lived practices instead of rare exceptions. The results are ideas for a future that is reachable—as long as we all keep working towards it every day. Together.

Nadine Ijewere, artist Art is about art. It’s not about you personally. That’s why artists need to be seen as artists. We all get stereotyped and put into the same box—but we have our own identity. We are put into the same space just because we are Black, but we are all very different people.

Edward Enninful, OBE, Editor-in-Chief of British Vogue Nadine is one of the leading fashion photographers of her generation. She’s not only inherently British in her work, she’s also Black British. She really understands the complex mix of culture, fashion, beauty, and the inner working of a woman, so when you see her images, it’s never just a photograph. There’s also a story and a narrative behind it.

Benjamin Alexander Huseby & Serhat Işık, designers for the label GmbH Our work has always been about wanting to show our community and culture to tell our stories as authentically as we can. It was never about “diversity”, but about being seen. We want to create a world where not only exceptional Black and Brown talents no longer have to be truly exceptional to get recognition for their work, a world where we no longer are the only non-white person in the room because we built the motherfucking house ourselves.

Mohamed Amjahid, freelance journalist and author, whose book Der weiße Fleck will be published by Piper Verlag on March 1, 2021. It's time that Black women become bosses. Gay Arabs should get to call the shots. Refugees belong on the executive boards of big corporations. Children of so-called “guest workers” should move into management positions too. People with disabilities should not just have a say, they should make the decisions. Vulnerable groups deserve to put their talents and ideas to work in the service of the whole society. Not every person of color is automatically a good leader by virtue of their background, but all-white, cis-male executive boards are certainly incapable of making decisions that are right for everyone. That’s why we need more representation at the very top, where the decisions are made.

Melisa Karakuş, founder of renk., the first German-Turkish magazine For a better future, I demand that we educate our children to be anti-racist and to resist when others or when they themselves are subjected to racism. I demand that discrimination is understood through the lens of intersectionality and solidarity! I demand that even those who are not affected by racism stand up against it! This fight is not one that we as Black people and people of color fight alone—for a better future, we all have to work together.

Tarik Tesfu, host of shows including the NDR talk show deep und deutlich When I look in the mirror, I see someone who grew up in the Ruhr region and loves currywurst with French fries as much as Whitney Houston. I see a person who has his pros and cons and who is so much more than his skin color. I see a subject. But the German media and cultural system seem to see it differently because far too often, Black people are degraded and made into objects for the reproduction of racist bullshit. I'm tired of explaining racism to Annette and Thomas because I really have better things to do (for example, my job). So get out of my light and let me shine.

Ronan Mckenzie, photographer The future of our industry needs to be one with more consideration for those that are within it. One that isn’t shrouded in burnout and the stresses of late payments, and one that doesn’t make anyone question whether they have been booked for the quality of their work or to be tokenized for the color of their skin. The future of our industry needs to go beyond the performative Instagram posts and mean-nothing awards, to truly sharing resources and lifting up one another. Our industry needs to put its money where its mouth is when words like “support”, “community” or “diversity” slip out, instead of using buzzwords that create an illusion of championing us. How there can be so much money in this industry yet so many struggle to keep up with their rent, feed themselves, or just rest without worrying about money is truly a travesty. If this industry is to survive then we who make it what it is need to be able to thrive.

Ferda Ataman, journalist and chair of Neue deutsche Medienmacher*innen A recent survey of the country's most important editors-in-chief revealed that many of them think diversity is good, but they don't want to do anything about it. This is based on the assumption that everyone good will succeed. Unfortunately, that’s not true. It’s not just a person’s qualifications that are decisive, but other criteria as well, such as similarity and habit (“XY fits in with us”). It's high time that all of us—everywhere—demand a serious commitment to openness and diversity. Something is seriously wrong in pure white spaces that can’t be explained by people’s professional qualifications alone. Or to put it differently: a good diversity strategy always has an anti-racist effect.

Nana Addison, founder of CURL CON and CURL Agency Being sustainable and inclusive means thinking about all skin tones, all hair textures, and all body shapes—in the beauty industry, in marketing communications, as well as in the media landscape. These three industries work hand in hand in shaping people’s perceptions of themselves and others. It’s important to take responsibility and be proactive and progressive to ensure inclusivity.

Dogukan Nesanir, stylist The current system is not designed to help minorities. By giving advantages to certain people and groups, it automatically deprives others of the chance to attain certain positions in the first place. That's why I don't even ask myself the question "What if?" anymore. My work is not about advancing a fake worldview, but about highlighting all the real in the good and the bad. I strongly believe that if some powerful gatekeepers gave in, if representation and diversity happened behind the scenes and we had the chance to show what the world REALLY looks like, we wouldn't be having these discussions at all. I don't just want an invitation to the table, I want to own the table and change things.

Arpana Aischa Berndt & Raquel Dukpa, editors of the catalog I See You – Thoughts on the Film “Futur drei” In the German film and television industry, production teams and casting directors are increasingly looking for a “diverse” cast. Casting calls are almost exclusively formulated by white people who profit from telling stories of people of color and Black people by using them, but without changing their own structures in the process. Application requirements and selection processes in film schools even shut out marginalized people by denying them the opportunities that come with being in these institutions. People of color and migrants as well as Black, indigenous, Jewish, queer, and disabled people can all tell stories, too. Production companies need to understand that expertise doesn’t necessarily come with a film degree.

Vanessa Vu & Minh Thu Tran, hosts of the podcast Rice and Shine It may be convenient to ignore entire groups, but we are and have been so much more for a very long time. We contribute to culture by making films or plays and bring new perspectives to science, politics, and journalism. We’re Olympic athletes, curators, artists, singers, dancers, and inventors. We dazzle and shine despite not always being seen. Because we have each other and we’ve created opportunities to do the things we love. We’ve created platforms for each other and built communities. Slowly but surely we are finally getting applause and recognition for the fact that we exist. That's nice. But what we really need is not just the opportunity to exist, but the opportunity to continue to grow and to stop basing our work primarily on self-exploitation. We need security, reliability, and money. That's the hard currency of recognition. That would mean being truly seen.

*Black is a political self-designation and is capitalized to indicate that being Black is about connectedness due to shared experiences of racism.

Written by: Alexandra Bondi de Antoni & Kemi Fatoba C/O Berlin Magazine April 2021

#editorial #coberlin

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precisemuseum · 4 years

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Puyo Puyo PC-98 Manual Translation

Once upon a time, in the age when the power of magic was bestowed upon the world, a powerful sorcerer created a great spell named "Owanimo." One of the strongest spells of all, it could banish monsters to a space between dimensions, but he sealed it away, recording it only in his "Book of Magic."

Not because it was forbidden knowledge or incredibly hard to use, but because to him, it seemed useless. And thus, the spell entered a dormant state, awaiting a day when a new sorcerer would come forth...

Years came and went until finally, the seal came undone with the appearance of a great sorceress: Arle Nadja. One day, this auburn-haired girl with golden eyes came across the Book of Magic.

"Owanimo...?" Arle studied the chapter on forbidden spells for what seemed like hours. "When four monsters of the same color are in your sights, chant this spell loudly. The Goddess of Time shall listen, and whisk the monsters away to a space between dimensions."

Arle continued to read, learning the Owanimo spell, but then closed it with a heavy sigh once she finished.

Why set it aside like that? Well, Arle had never seen "four monsters of the same color" as the spellbook described.

"I spent so much time reading, and it's not even a spell I can use for anything..."

But just as fate brought the Book of Magic into Arle's hands by chance, so it brought from the world of darkness the very monsters she had read about.

And thus, a great battle awaits. With her great magic abilities, and the newfound power of "Owanimo," Arle Nadja sets out to protect the world.

CHARACTERS A・C・P

Arle Nadja The protagonist of the game and the (aspiring) sorceress who released the spell "Owanimo". Nobody knows how she ended up this way, but despite looking like she wouldn't hurt a fly, she's actually a merciless girl that slaughters innocent Puyo. She currently attends a magic school, but she's already too scary for anything to stand in her way. That's my opinion, anyway.

Carbuncle During the game, when you find your eyes moving towards the center of the screen... Awww~! He's sleeping!!! This is Carbuncle. When he's lying still, he almost looks like a loaf of bread, but as he sings and dances he shows off a wide range of movement and facial expressions. A truly profound deuteragonist.

Puyo Puyo Despite their fate as short-lived, jelly-like monsters who are stacked and popped, they have managed to secure a leading role this time around, and even get to dance on the title screen. They're sure to enjoy this special opportunity to perform on a grand stage in five different colors. Looking at them with an empty stomach will reveal their appetizing nature and make you hungry. Hehe.

Arle, the protagonist, is brimming with curiosity.

PRACTICE STAGE ENEMY MONSTERS

Skeleton T While he appears as the epitome of a tea-loving Japanese man, he is a fine monster as well. He will be the first opponent you face during your trials. But you'll find that in a rather endearing way, he's a miserable fool who doesn't even know how to rotate his Puyo. Boohoo. Sipping bitter green tea during battle will instantly make you one of his tea-drinking buddies.

Nasu Grave An eggplant. Specifically, a Kamo eggplant. On top of that, he makes for a rather strange presence. Just what the heck is this thing? Despite appearances, his defensive power is high, so novices might find themselves struggling a bit. You'll have no choice but to keep at it and apply a steady technique. But in the end, your opponent is still just an eggplant. A regular talking eggplant. …Heh.

Mummy Even though it's called Mummy, it isn't a mommy. It's a mummy. What? You already knew that? Oh, deary me, I'll wrap it up then. (←One-man comedy routine.) Mummy is an opponent that makes you want to bully it because the crying face it makes when it's about to lose is just too cute. Sorry, Mummy.

The Goddess of Time whisking the monsters away.

BATTLE STAGES 1-6

Draco Centauros As you might expect from someone who shouts "Rawr", this half-dragon being takes pride in those sharp horns. Appearing as the first obstacle of your quest, this opponent has top tier judgment and piece precision but takes forever to think things through. Because of that, she's a pitiful lass who is only ranked as a third-rate monster girl... You heard me right! Draco is a girl. I'm sure someone around you thought she was a boy...

Suketoudara A pollock who has an aura of coming from some far-off sea. However, he seems to have the character of an Edokko. He's an athletic-type who tends to err on the side of caution. However, he's also arrogant. When he wins, he makes a face that screams "You're no match for me!", which is truly aggravating. Many say they especially don't want to lose to him.

(TL Note: Literally meaning “Child of Edo”, Edokko is refers to a person born and raised in Edo (renamed Tokyo in 1868). It implies personality traits such as being assertive, straightforward, cheerful, perhaps a bit mercantile.)

Sukiyapodes Let's just get this out of the way; he has a giant foot. It measures about 16 mon. Even though he has a complex about it, he directs that frustration into bettering himself. Well, we're not sure if that last part's true, but he always has a cheerful expression on his face as he slowly and steadily builds precise chains. He's a bit of an unpleasant guy.

(TL Note: mon is a unit of length for measuring the size of one's foot. 1 mon is equivalent to 2.4 cm. His foot is 38.4 cm, or 15.12 in.)

Harpy Now then, it is time for Miss Harpy's song. She loves singing more than she loves having three meals a day. She could sing for ages if no one stopped her. If there was something like a "Puyo Puyo World Karaoke Tournament", she'd win for sure. But unfortunately, this is only Puyo Puyo.

Sasori Man “How d'ya do, partner? I’m a famous Naniwa salesman known 'round these parts as Sasori Man. Put 'er there! Huh? Yer askin' for my secret to success? I ain't spillin' the beans no matter how much ya beg. That's somethin' to look forward to when we do battle. Till then, happy trails.”

Panotty A flute-playing boy. But honestly, he's nothing more than a noisy, mischievous brat. He disrupts his opponent's chains by dropping large amounts of Nuisance Puyo on them. Everyone has fallen victim to his antics at least once. What a truly ruthless Puyo technique. For when his last flute sounds, the dead shall be raised. Just kidding.

BATTLE STAGES 7-12

Zombie A zombie. All of his lines are stuff like "Ugheeee." This zombie is quite the formidable trickster. Sometimes he will be swiftly defeated, and other times he will take you by surprise and suddenly pull off a huge chain. If you don't take him seriously, you'll find yourself in a tough spot. Battle with caution.

Witch In the forest stands a grand mansion. Living there was a very ordinary family whose lineage can be traced back hundreds of years. The family's only daughter was born and was raised in a very ordinary fashion. But there was one thing that was not so ordinary...That young lady was a haughty witch. Ohohoho! Ohohohoho... *fadeout*

Zou Daimaou Pawoo! The mammoth mogul has arrived! A young aristocrat who comes from an ancient and distinguished line of royal Indian elephants. An irritating fellow who likes bad puns, gives his words an elephantine quality, and casually rhymes. He also enjoys Puyo Puyo. Plus, he's strong. An aphant-garde aristocrat whose ground-shaking chains are as sharp as his tusks.

Schezo A silver-haired man with deep blue eyes. Schezo, the embodiment of picturesque beauty. However, he's been deemed a pervert thanks to Arle, and strives to restore his honor by challenging her.

B-E-A-U-T-Y! Perfection won't pass you by! P-R-I-N-C-E! Of the Puyo Puyo World, it's meant to be! Go now! Go forth! Show us what you're really worth!

...Well, this has turned into something rather silly..

Minotauros Risking life and limb for his duties, a bull who lives by the code of chivalry, leaving a flurry of cherry blossoms in his wake. That is Minotauros. Ever since Rulue rescued him long ago, he has served as her devoted attendant like a faithful dog. Seeing him like this brings some to tears. For Rulue, he'd go through hell and high water. He's giving it his all today, and his one-eyed look is as cool as ever.

Rulue A woman truly worthy of the title of "Fighting Queen". The queen of the Puyo Puyo world. There's nothing that she can't obtain... Oh wait, there is something — Satan's love. Possessing a very jealous nature, Rulue is always lying in wait, ready to obliterate anyone who gets close to Satan. It's rumored that her true strength is even greater than Satan's.

BATTLE STAGE 13

Satan He is the king that rules over heaven and earth. He soars the skies with wings that slice through wind. His two horns point towards the heavens. His sharp eyes are like glistening gems. Cloaked in the veil of night, his devilish hand beckons you in. He is darkness’s cherished protege. It seems playing Puyo Puyo is a guilty pleasure of his. His true strength is unknown. It's said he's won the Puyo Puyo World Championship a countless number of times. In any case, he's obviously a bigshot. Can you truly defeat Satan, who boasts of elite skills in speed and chaining?

(You can download the PDF here)

#puyo puyo #translations #tl acy #text #puyo puyo pc 98 #source florek #photo

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rebel-in-white · 4 years

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The Perfect Ending for Dean and Sam? - Supernatural 15x20

As I read reviews about the Supernatural series, nothing disturbs me more than reading things like the title of this essay, “This was the Perfect Ending for Sam and Dean.” It’s disturbing because as fans of this 15-year show, we are accepting mediocrity. Far from being a perfect ending, this was one of the worst television show endings that I have ever seen because the characters weren’t allowed to change and grow.

When I watched the Supernatural series finale, I was struck by the realization that this could have easily been the finale of season 1. In season 1, we were dealing with Dean’s feelings of being second best, Sam wanting a “normal” life, Dean choosing the dangerous world of hunting, and the value of saving the innocent despite the dangers. In episode 15x20, the episode implies that we are still dealing with the same themes from episode 1, even though SO many events have passed, and Sam and Dean dealt with their own issues in varying ways. Dean’s death during a mundane hunt harks back to season 1’s warnings and omens about the dangerous life of a hunter. Meanwhile in season 15, the Winchesters are fighting God and survived that battle. Sam’s “happy” ending harks back to his desire to be with Jessica and find a happy, “apple pie” (normal) life. Meanwhile in season 15, Sam has lost everything… again. He lost his adopted son, his good friend, his mother for the second time, his surrogate father, his girlfriend (what happened to Eileen?), and his brother. Also, let’s not forget that Adam died and was a Winchester. Season 15 does not agree with, and contradicts, its final episode.

Everything that has happened after season 1 and right before the series finale doesn’t matter. That is the message the series finale communicated with fans. Some fans might be alright with this message because it’s such a long series, too much has happened, but there are many fans who have avidly watched these characters grow and change. They themselves have grown and changed with these characters! Watching the finale felt like a slap in the face, a surreal dream, because the writers and the show-runner shut the door on any type of meaningful change that has occurred throughout the series. Throughout the years, Sam and Dean were able to create meaningful connections outside of their partnership, noticeably with Jack and Cas. Both were only mentioned. That merits repeating again. Castiel, who had become a fan favorite in the series, only gets a few mentions. Dean, the one with whom he shares a profound bond, shrugs off his death and continues enjoying his pie. Like the last 12 years of developing that friendship, emphasizing their bond, and teasing fans with their deep connection meant nothing. Because ultimately, the show sent a clear message to its viewers: it doesn’t matter what these characters have gone through, it doesn’t matter the people who have come and enriched their lives, but what matters is where they started. The journey, and the accompanying life experiences, don’t matter.

I read a really hurtful review about the series finale that implied that Sam could only be happy on Earth because his brother had died. He was no longer his brother’s keeper, so now he could have everything he wanted- a family and normalcy. That was the Sam of season 1 - before his brother died for him, before he died for his brother, before his demon blood addiction, before he saved the world numerous times, before he adopted a half angel kid into his family, before meeting his Mom again. All of those experiences profoundly change a person. His idea of normal and happiness changed, became vastly different. The show hinted at this when we saw the names carved on the table in episode 15x19. Sam stopped running away from hunting, his duties, struggled with his destiny, and fought for his freedom and seemed content with what he had. The show even implied a budding romance with a fellow hunter, Eileen. Sam from season 1 would have turned away from all this because it interfered with his desire to be normal. However, this was shoved at Sam in the most confusing, contrived, and sickening manner. After Dean dies during the series finale, Sam mopes for a bit, then he goes on a hunt, and reverts back to Sam of season 1 with ease. He gets everything he’d wanted- an unnamed, unseen wife and a child who he names Dean. If Sam from episode 15x19, 15x18, from any episode after season 1, saw this ending for himself, he would have run away screaming. He wouldn’t be able to accept it. Why? Because that’s not what he wanted for himself anymore. He wanted to be with his loved ones, which included Dean plus his extended family.

If Sam’s ending was problematic, Dean’s is inconceivable. This is a character who has struggled with so many issues and low self-esteem and has gone through so many ups and downs that to see him die, impaled on a nail by clowns, devastated and confused many fans. I actually laughed out loud when he died because it was so ridiculous. It hurt to see a beloved character treated like trash, then proceed to accept his death with arms wide open. Where was Dean’s desire to live? This is the man who survived hell, saved the world several times, sacrificed himself for Sam, and had to fight daily to survive. And I don’t mean in a I’m-a-hunter-and-life-is-dangerous way, but in a real, this-world-is-fucked-up-and-I-can’t-do-it anymore way.

That was what always attracted me to Dean. His fight to survive in a world that didn’t make sense to him, and his ability to cling to life despite feeling too broken and inadequate. For many of the fans, they resonated with that and admired him for his grit and his humanity. In the series finale, Dean gives up. He accepts death, accepts this strange looking heaven, even though he was weirded out by heaven when he first encountered it. He rides around in his car- alone and waiting for Sam. That’s what Dean boils down to- alone and living for Sam. The show sends a message that Dean doesn’t deserve anything else. Despite everything he’s done throughout the 15 years of this series, Dean can’t escape his destiny to die on a mundane hunt. The same death that had been foreshadowed in season 1. With only his brother with him to see him go. Dean fought so hard to be free from Chuck’s stories and from his own demons that to see him reduced to drinking beer and riding around in the Impala felt like he’s regressed 15 years. And some fans think he deserved this? What has Dean done to you?

Dean had potential to show growth and to show true change and progress through a possible relationship with Castiel, but the show metaphorically gave its queer fans, their allies, and narrowed minded viewers a big middle finger. Yes, even people who hated the idea of Destiel, you should be angry. Instead of the show stretching your thinking and challenging you to accept something different and progressive, the show decided to pat you on the head and feed you some metaphorical shit. Please don’t eat it. Throughout the show, there had been signs that Dean and Castiel shared a profound bond that extended into a romantic subtext. It started with the angel’s entrance and charisma, and Dean’s acceptance of him into his life (very rare for Dean to form lasting relationships), and it ended with a confirmed love confession. Now, imagine that you’ve been hoping for years that all these hints, looks, and jokes would go somewhere. That maybe someone will validate your views and make you feel like you’ve brought progressive change to television. Well, that’s what it felt like to be a Destiel fan after episode 15x18. Destiel became half canon! Castiel declared his romantic feelings to Dean, which Misha Collins confirmed to be of a homosexual nature, but he knew that he couldn’t have what he wanted. He died to save a shell-shocked Dean Winchester. Not only did the show kill Castiel, but they sent him to hell (granted, he didn’t stay long), and they sent Dean Winchester, the man who stayed “straight,” to heaven.

This was problematic in many ways. One, the message is homophobic, heinous, but subtle. If you’re gay or queer, you are thrown away, never to be seen again because your feelings will upset the masses. It’s what happened to Castiel, a confirmed queer character. When episode 15x20 finished and Dean hadn’t even mentioned Castiel out of his own freewill, I was upset. Here comes the second problem. This show had used queer-baiting for the past 12 years or so to keep its numbers up and to keep itself on the air. It used queer-baiting to a most hurtful and insidious way to attract viewers to the series finale. Then, they shut it down after teasing something that several, enthusiastic fans had wanted for years. Why open this pandora box if you aren’t going to do anything with it? What is the point? Leading people to create false assumptions, playing with people’s emotions in a negative way, reinforcing negative heteronomative stereotypes- this is what the show has accomplished. This is its legacy.

I wrote this essay to free myself from this show. After this, I am not a Supernatural fan anymore. This show has left a bad taste in my mouth, and I want nothing to do with it or anyone associated with it. I urge you to free yourselves as well and also to not accept this mediocrity that Supernatural gave us. Stop other shows and networks from manipulating and leading on its fans. Stop them from ignoring years of growth in order to feed you the same story and keep you mediocre and small. I know the pandemic of 2020 made things difficult, but that’s no excuse to create the subpar work the Supernatural writers/show-runner/staff did. With just a little bit of creativity and intelligence, they could have produced something great, no matter the obstacles. I used to believe in that.

Supernatural, thank you for the years of enjoyment, but I never want to see you again.

#supernatural #supernatural series finale #supernatural series #dean winchester #sam winchester #cw spn #carry on #supernatural 15x20 #15x20 carry on #essay

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mschaefer-rt · 3 years

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*Rhetoric as Narrative*

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcb4cNiaWy8

In this entry, I will investigate the following critical questions: What is a narrative that is important to me or to U.S. culture? What values does this narrative promote and ignore? In which ways is this narrative productive for society, in which ways is it limiting?

To explore these questions, I decided to use a speech delivered by Augustana College President Steven C. Bahls in regard to the college’s response to the COVID-19 pandemic. His speech promotes the central narrative that the Augustana community has persisted despite the impact of COVID-19 and will continue to do so. Through his rhetorical and delivery techniques, he promotes values of unity and perseverance among members of the Augustana community. This is seen in the content of his speech, as well as his tone and word choice. Throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, this sort of rhetoric has been common among many groups and institutions in the United States. In some ways, the Augustana community serves as a representation of this larger trend. Specifically for Augustana, this narrative is productive in that it can encourage students to work together in maintaining the health and safety of all community members. However, it is limiting in that it excludes some members of the community and does not hold space for different perspectives. Overall, the way that President Bahls uses rhetorical techniques to establish this narrative is unproductive for the Augustana community in that it normalizes the struggles of dealing with COVID-19 and does not promote critical thinking about the problems it has caused on campus.

Throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, the college has made a continued effort to update students on the events occurring on campus, and in the greater Quad Cities community. The Augustana Strong Task Force was created in order to discuss these events and implement appropriate safety measures on campus. As summer came to a close and many students returned for hybrid learning, there were frequent messages from the Task Force on Augustana’s status in terms of COVID-19 cases and adherence to guidelines. Many of these updates featured President Bahls alongside Dean of Students Wes Brooks and other faculty members/administrators. In this particular video, President Bahls is delivering a solo speech in regards to an uptick in cases on campus in early November of 2020. This speech marks the movement from “moderate” to “high” COVID-19 alert levels on campus. The change was prompted by the increased amount of cases on campus, as well as in the Quad Cities community.

President Bahls refers to Augustana’s experience in dealing with COVID-19 as a journey. The narrative that he creates in his speech is influential. Foss explains how “narratives organize the stimuli of our experience so that we can make sense of the people, places, events, and actions of our lives” (p. 333). Because narratives can help simplify complex events and feelings, they can have a profound impact on the general attitudes toward those events. Foss also talks about how narratives often play a key role in policy decisions, as well as the individual decisions that people make in their daily lives. Using her outline for Narrative Analysis provides a framework to determine how Augustana’s rhetoric surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic has affected individual students, as well as the larger campus community

In his speech, President Bahls encourages unity to reinforce the narrative that the Augustana community will remain persistent despite the challenges presented by COVID-19. He is serving as the narrator in telling the story of Augustana’s experience with COVID-19. His word choice and tone are able to help him convey this value of unity. Throughout the speech, he often uses “we,” when referring to the Augustana community. At the end he exclaims, “we are Augustana, we care about each other, we are Augustana strong.” He specifically promotes “caring” and “strength” as methods for, and consequences of achieving unity. By making this statement, he encourages everyone to play their part in protecting the campus community from COVID-19. He visually demonstrates this point as well by waiting to remove his mask until after the video starts. This action not only signals to the audience the importance of wearing masks, but also helps President Bahls to place himself on an equal level to them. He demonstrates that, even in his position of power, he follows the community guidelines.

President Bahls also highlights perseverance in order to create an optimistic narrative surrounding Augustana’s experience with COVID-19. He briefly summarizes the journey of dealing with COVID-19 and brings up the goal of continuing in-person classes until Thanksgiving break. His descriptions of causal and temporal relationships help him to emphasize the value of perseverance. At the beginning of his speech, he briefly mentions the events that have occurred leading up to this change to high alert on campus. He chooses to focus more on the current events, which helps keep his speech grounded in the present. This reinforces the value of perseverance by pushing the speech forward and not giving the audience time to dwell in the past. He is honest about the events that have led to the current circumstances, but he also praises the Augustana community for their successes. He infers that the reason why Augustana students have been able to stay on campus and participate in classes in person is because community members have been persistent in following COVID-19 guidelines. He further strengthens this point through his use of words in the phrase “living with COVID.” This word “living” is in contrast to other words that have been used for such sentiments: fighting, dealing, etc. By describing the Augustana community as living with COVID-19, he is implicitly expressing the value of perseverance. He’s not referring to COVID-19 as something that will interrupt life at Augustana, but as just another obstacle on the journey of life.

Many of these features of President Bahls’ speech may be important in promoting the values deemed necessary to make it through difficult times as a community. Despite some of these immediate productive outcomes that the speech could provoke, there are many ways in which the effect of the speech is limiting. The audience of the speech includes members of the Augustana community who have been willingly participating in classes in person. The rhetoric inherently excludes members of the community who have not, whether that be due to personal health concerns, family matters, or financial issues. The value of unity is significantly undermined when a portion of the community is completely unrepresented in the speech. President Bahls delivers his speech with a positive tone, a smile, and the occasional clenched fist to represent strength. Though this attitude may be necessary in order to inspire a positive mindset, it also ignores some of the negative feelings that people may be experiencing in response to COVID-19.

The value of perseverance can also be limiting, as it doesn’t necessarily provide a space to process and reflect on events that are happening in the present. Dutta & Elers explain how certain narratives centering the value of kindness can actually have some problematic components. Humans are often drawn to such narratives for motivation, hope, and alleviation of guilt. However, these narratives may also intentionally or unintentionally push agendas that “[do] not serve those who are precarious, underprivileged or marginalized, by obfuscating and erasing necessary conversations on the transformative policies and infrastructure changes needed to address fundamental structural issues” (Dutta & Elers, 2020, p. 109) These narratives of kindness have many overlapping components with the narrative presented by President Bahls in his speech. He encourages Augustana students to demonstrate kindness by holding themselves accountable, caring for one another, and playing their part in keeping the campus community safe. Through the use of community-building “we” statements, President Bahls is able to shift the responsibility of appropriately addressing COVID-19 onto the entire community, rather than just the administration. There will always be some truth to this assertion that the health of communities lies partially in the hands of each person, but focusing too much on this perspective does not create space for critical policy discussions. This speech demonstrates how community members, especially students, have been encouraged to not question Augustana’s COVID-19 policies, even during a time of rapid increase in cases on campus.

There are many aspects of President Bahls’ speech that may be helpful on a small scale. These values of perseverance and unity are often considered positive, or even necessary traits of such speeches that are delivered during tough times. However, through examining his rhetoric it becomes clear that there are significant limiting factors, especially at a community or society-wide level. Perhaps Augustana shouldn’t just be aiming to “live with COVID,” but to thoroughly address the many issues that it has revealed.

Augustana College (IL). (2020, November 6). President Bahls Campus Update to students: November 6, 2020 [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcb4cNiaWy8

Dutta, M., Elers, P. (2020). Media narratives of kindness - a critique. Media International Australia, 177(1), 108-112. https://doi.org/10.1177/1329878X20953278

Foss, S. K. (2004). Narrative Criticism. In Rhetorical Criticism (3rd ed.) (pp. 333-343). Waveland Press Inc.

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adrianodiprato · 4 years

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+ "They're not that different from you, are they? Same haircuts. Full of hormones, just like you. Invincible, just like you feel. The world is their oyster. They believe they're destined for great things, just like many of you, their eyes are full of hope, just like you. Did they wait until it was too late to make from their lives even one iota of what they were capable? Because, you see gentlemen, these boys are now fertilizing daffodils. But if you listen real close, you can hear them whisper their legacy to you. Go on, lean in. Listen, you hear it? - - Carpe - - hear it? - - Carpe, carpe diem, seize the day boys, make your lives extraordinary." John Keating | Dead Poets Society (1989)

Thank you, Mr Keating

During the coronavirus I have found myself doing more reading and also connecting more with film’s that have motivated me to abandon binary thinking and be open to new perspectives. One such film has been Peter Weir’s seminal Dead Poets Society. A new English teacher, John Keating, played by the late Robin Williams, is introduced to an all-boys preparatory school that is known for its ancient traditions and high standards. He uses unconventional methods to reach out to his students, who face enormous pressures from their parents, the school and the entire society. It is a story that affects me about the qualities of inspiration itself: the possibility for our passions to move and motivate people around us to enact a new normal.

In recent days, transformation for our time, to a new normal, has been brought on by things beyond our control. The coronavirus crisis has changed our world. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think we would ever have to deliver an entire school’s curriculum remotely, from the home campus. We now need to embrace the fact the world has changed. Our well-loved stories – our words, our ways, our practices and processes - are suddenly expressions of what used to be, not what is, far less what will be.

In today’s new world, we are all required to continually learn, unlearn and relearn. And it is our teachers that have seized the day in this regard, much like what the character Mr Keating, in Dead Poets Society, advocated for with his students. The coronavirus crisis has provided an opportunity for our remarkable teachers to shine, to show that they can ensure that students stay connected and engaged with their learning and wellbeing, in a time of great uncertainty and for some, chaos. Principal of Strathcona Girls Grammar in Melbourne, Marise McConaghy recently wrote this in her opinion piece for The Sydney Morning Herald, “Giving teachers the agency to adapt and apply creativity in delivering lessons to students has been a masterclass in what it means to be agile in the 21st Century. In no time at all, teachers have dramatically pivoted the way they conduct their work and deliver learning to children.” McConaghy goes on to highlight the profoundness of strong relationships in school communities and dismisses the long-held misconception that emerging technologies has made younger generations socially distant, stating “…many of our students have checked in with their teachers to ask about their wellbeing and offer support. Certainly, it is our job as educators to pastorally care for our students, and for school leaders to check in on staff for the same reasons, but how beautiful it is that our students think to do this for their teachers. Teenagers are, after all, not as self-obsessed as they sometimes are made out to be.”

Schooling as we once knew it is officially over. And the misguided application on standardisation, a feature of the once heralded and, now, outdated industrial model of schooling, with its over emphasis on testing, league tables and pitting students against one another, has come crashing down under the weight of coronavirus. Because of this global pandemic the exciting precipice of doing schooling differently just came into sharp focus. Founder of Unfold Learning Willian Rankin recently wrote that the future of education must be about generating whole, competent, humane citizens. “What the world needs moving forward — and this is especially clear as the novel Corona virus burns off what’s irrelevant — is people who can apply information to meaningful contexts to create serviceable knowledge and solutions (creating knowledge) and people who can enculturate knowledge to produce culturally relevant contexts and wisdom around that knowledge (creating wisdom). Unlike processing data and information, these are profoundly human enterprises, tasks where machines have no fluency. Lamentably, many in modern education consider it too difficult, messy, and subjective to show that students are more considerate, compassionate, mature, collaborative, or humane when they finish our courses. It’s so much easier to show that scores on a particular test rose by 3.6% year over year, that 14% more students successfully completed a course, or that failing grades declined by 6% in a given cohort. The current system settles for this easy information, despite the fact that it’s functionally meaningless.” And “We can beat the wasteful swords of linear consumption and instructionism into the generative and regenerative plowshares of creation and constructionism. We can abandon education for learning.”

Swiss-based futurist Gerd Leonhard believes the biggest trends to have emerged from a world dealing with a pandemic, economies in crisis and many citizens in lockdown are:

Increased global collaboration

A widespread adoption of remote work practices, from home offices to Zoom meetings

Travel bans and an acceptance of remote working crippling the travel industry

The use of technology for remote work accelerating the digital economy

Education is not immune to such far-reaching disruption that Leonhard speaks of. The industrial model of education was designed to ensure factory workers were punctual, docile and above all compliant. The concept of a teacher standing in front of a room full of students who listen and respond to direction is increasingly a thing of the past.

The only people that appear to have been blindsided by the phenomenon of a new normal in schooling and learning, during the pandemic, are some conventional school leaders and conservative governments fixated on holding on to a broken learning paradigm. The OECD’s 2018 TALIS Insights and Interpretations report stated, “The real obstacle to education reform is often not conservative followers but conservative leaders who stick to today’s curriculum rather than adapt pedagogical practice to a changing world, because it is so much easier to stay within everybody’s comfort zone...” (page 57).

John Keating, in Dead Poets Society, said this during one scene, as he stood on his desk, "Why do I stand up here? Anybody? I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way." The end of the industrial model of education is a remarkable opportunity for a bold rethink to finally move to a new normal, a different way. A new learning paradigm that allows for experiences that are a blend of on campus, online, in context and in country, all becoming part of the fabric of this new normal.

Andreas Schleicher, the Director for Education and Skills, and Special Advisor on Education Policy to the Secretary-General at the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) recently shared his perspective on the coronavirus crisis via an interview with hundrED, “…education is no longer just about teaching students something, but about helping them develop a reliable compass and the tools to navigate with confidence through an increasingly complex, volatile and uncertain world.”

So, imagine if students have more opportunities to learn at different times in different places. With anytime, anywhere learning becoming the new normal for our students. Where online tools facilitate opportunities for a more highly personalised learning experience of individually targeted stretch and challenge tasks. One that is self-paced, self-determined and incorporates relevant and real-world inquiry-based learning. Resulting in all classrooms being flipped, meaning the knowledge and skills part is learned outside the classroom, at home. Where on campus class time becomes one of deep collaboration, teamwork and the practical application or transfer of knowledge and understanding, of real-life issues. Where taking tests will be replaced by students’ growth and achievement through creative and collaboration projects to problem solve these difficult real-world questions.

So, imagine if teachers assume the crucial role of learning designer and mentor. Becoming the central facilitator in the jungle of information that our students will be navigating their way through. Assisting each young person with developing their independence and agency, academic competence and confidence skills, as well as the development of learning goals, interests and future directions. Supporting each young person through obtaining growth around agility and adaptability in our collective quest to foster their personal resilience and overall mental and physical wellness. Therefore, making a significant emphasis on social and emotional competency central to all learning and interactions. With on campus, in context and/or in country curricular activities such as competitive sports, music, visual arts, language and cultural immersions, play and even cooking as accelerators for quicker social and emotional skills and global competency attainment.

So, imagine if in an online environment, with access to unlimited information, the focus on memorising things loses its meaning, and is replaced by the need to know how to select and use the information appropriate to each context. Where there is a universal step away from control, compliance and human “data” collection and we give permission to our highly able and innovative teachers the freedom to shape curricular, in partnership with students, to suit the needs and interests of all learners.

So, imagine if all school leaders had the courage to lead. Where all school leaders join the ranks of those that already have the courage to lead through this crisis, not simply manage a response. Expecting the expected, what was once “normal”, is simply not adapting to the global reality of our times. Where all school leaders accept that they need to manage the present but remain focused also to plan for a new normal for 2021 and beyond. And where all school leaders accept that perhaps, just perhaps, this is your crucible moment.

Paul Reville, the Francis Keppel Professor of Practice of Educational Policy and Administration at Harvard Graduate School of Education recently stated, “In this situation [covid-19], we don’t simply want to frantically struggle to restore the status quo because the status quo wasn’t operating at an effective level and certainly wasn’t serving all of our children fairly.”

Carpe Diem is a most commonly remembered line from Dead Poets Society, alongside “Oh Captain! My Captain!”. Explaining to his students that their lives are fleeting, John Keating implores them to seize the day, to make their lives count, to leave a legacy of “carpe diem.” This stirring call to ‘seize the day’ endures. John Keating, yet another example of a remarkable teacher, tries to encourage his students to break free from the norm, go against the status quo and live life abundantly. Much like the John Keating character, perhaps I’m simply agitating all school leaders to contemplate life and therefore learning, from a different way. And much like the films core theme, my hope is that all school leaders, and conservative governments for that matter, choose courage over comfort, are simply bold and brave to doing schooling differently.

I’ll leave you with this final quote from Dead Poets Society, "Boys, you must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, "Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." Don't be resigned to that. Break out!"

Ultimately, it is in how we define responsibility and learning, for their future. So, the big question for all school leaders is – When you had the opportunity did you choose courage over comfort or were you resigned to quiet desperation?

In order to make their lives extraordinary, for the young people in our care, I choose courage over comfort. Thank you for today’s lesson, Mr Keating.

#dead poets society #carpe diem #permissionistriumph #education #courage

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naruhearts · 5 years

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OKAY SO I've just spent the best part of an hour scrolling through your blog and reading a bunch of your destiel meta and I HAD to message you... I was one of the many people who STRONGLY believed destiel had a chance of being canon after season 8 (more like season gr8 am i right), but throughout the years I slowly lost all hope. However, S14 has made me 110% invested in the show again and YOUR META IS GIVING ME HOPE FOR DESTIEL, which is TERRIFYING. Your writing is wonderful and I'm STRESSED.

Got back from Washington late last night!

Oh my gosh @alovelikecas, your message really made my day and I’m SO glad you enjoy my meta xox (even when most of my meta looks like, to me, sloppy-ass writing, haha! I’ll probably make an end-season meta post after 14x20 — if I have the time — that touches upon SPN’s current and repeating themes since Season New Beginnings S12/Dabb Era, not to mention I have, like, some more unfinished meta in my drafts >.>)

Yeah I mean, I didn’t join Destiel land until Summer 2016, and before that, I was late to the Season 11 party, so I basically had no narrative context for anything, and I’ll copy-paste what I said here:

Looking back, one significant thing I recall? S11 gave me a sense of Destiel’s true narrative validity (as not a ‘fanon’ ship but organically developed in the canon) when I perceived it as a season that was ‘missing something’. Keep in mind I had no idea about Destiel yet while watching S11 at the time.

I was literally asking myself — repeatedly — why Dean/Amara seemed to contain odd narrative holes, considering A. Dean explicitly said that the non-consensual attraction he felt for Amara was NOT love and “it scares him”, B. Amara told Dean that ‘something stops you - keeps you from having it all’, C. Djinn!Amara stated that she can: ‘feel the love [Dean] feels, except it’s cloaked in shame,’ and D. Mildred’s iconic ‘You’re pining for someone’ —> which did not logically correlate with A and C, meaning: since Dean doesn’t freely love Amara and thus isn’t possibly pining for her — with female love interests as currently non-existent (I remember crossing off the dead/gone girls on a piece of paper lol) — who the hell was he pining for, then?

Originally posted by elizabethrobertajones

Obviously, without writing long-ass paragraphs of meta about it again in this post, S11 made sense as soon as I watched it within the Destiel context (especially after I read up on some grandiose pieces of Destiel meta (@charlie-minion was the very first person who inspired me to write meta; I followed her once I joined the fandom Oh my god, here we go, holy crap this subtext – I’m invested in this godforsaken ship because they’re in love with each other and I’m not getting off any time soon. The rest is history.

I’m aware that I do come off as positive (and I’m still Destiel-positive; whatever happens in 14x20 this week may or may not change that), but I hope you don’t mind if I use your lovely ask as an additional opportunity to clarify my meta standpoint: no one’s saying Destiel WILL become text.

The general Destiel meta community (all subfactions: Destiel-positive, -negative, -neutral, and in-between) is not the Most Holy Canon Word, and we aren’t SPN writers, and again, we can’t actually speak to the veracity of Destiel as guaranteed-gonna-go-textual, but we — a diverse pool of critical thinkers from all walks of life: particularly those who have some degree of experience in literary academia/English literature studies (fun fact: I was actually pursuing a Minor’s in English until I changed my mind - my first love’s Health Science/Biology, which I stuck with, but here I am doing lit-crit analysis on the side *wink*) — can speak to the veracity of Destiel as a real, palpable, and ever-substantial long-running romance narrative aka the love story between Dean and Cas IS THERE. I see it. We all see it. We didn’t pluck it out of the random ether one day. It naturally evolved across the show’s overarching narrative like some vast spiderweb, linked together by numerous character arc amalgamations of Dean Winchester and Castiel as separate individuals who were then brought together — who brought themselves together, by the sheer force of free will and choice — and are now inherent parts of the other’s story (and respective character progression).

I say this too many times to count: the entire point of writing meta? Personally, it enables me to appreciate the literary gorgeousness of Dean and Cas’ relationship as, first and foremost, a tentative alliance offset by the very moment Cas raised Dean from perdition (it’s a poetic beginning). Their alliance then inevitably proliferated into a rocky — at times, necessarily turbulent — friendship, then a deep profound bond…one that crossed platonic boundaries since S7/8 and is, ultimately, indelibly rooted in romance. Together, Dean and Cas build up each other’s strengths, complement each other’s flaws, and narratively motivate the other to self-introspect — to become the best version of themselves that they were always meant to be: self-actualized entities who let go of their painful, horrifying, psychologically/emotionally destitute pasts.

These above reasons and more are why I think Destiel belongs right up there on the shelf of Ye Olde Classics, similar to epics by John Milton, Shakespearian tragic dramas, Homeric characteristic cruxes, and the great Odyssey journey: a legendary journey, fraught with circumstance, that finally ended with Odysseus (now an enlightened man) returning to Penelope, the love of his life.

Channeling the scope of Homer’s Odyssey, Destiel is an incredible storytelling feat of obstacles, both internal and external, romance tropes, mirroring, foreshadowing, and visual cadence/emotion, enhancing SPN’s already character-driven main plot in that Dean and Cas try to make it back to one another; like Penelope, their love holds true despite everything. If Destiel were an M/F couple, we all know their love story would be absolutely undeniable to the GA.

I do understand the bitterness S14’s fostered in some viewers, though. I do understand that Dean and Cas seem distant (and yeah, it’s a noticeable difference compared to S12/S13), but I believe the Destiel subtext is still heavy and holds steady.

Right now, at this point, there remains multiple personal issues for the characters to solve, you know? Dean and Cas aren’t talking properly; their love languages stay mistranslated, although we’re persistently shown that they still understand each other on a certain level that no one else can, and the visual narrative keeps framing them as on-the-nose solid counterparts: a domestic-spousal romantic unit independent of Sam.

Originally posted by incatastrophicmind

They want to be there for the other. They need to quash the final remnants of their respective internal loathing (Dean’s self-worthiness, Cas’ self-expendability) before they’re able to give the other 100% of their time, efforts, attention, and love (as flawed and complicated but compellingly beautiful as it can possibly be). During the times Dean and Cas do try to talk shit out, extraneous issues continue to get between them.

As other friends/meta pals discussed with me, S14 is like S10 in that it’s confusing the cast/audiences. And exactly: S8, besides S11/S12/early S13, also belongs in the close-to-canon serious Destiel narrative transition! I can discuss the showrunning/writer problem of SBL (Singer + Bucklemming; @occamshipper hits the nail on the head) that tugs subtext – especially subtext linked to Destiel – back and forth, sometimes in the weirdest nonsensical ways, but I won’t go too far into it here. I agree, however, with the recent idea that Jensen does seem a bit confused as to where he should bring Dean emotionally this season (don’t get me wrong, I do NOT believe Dean is OOC; OOC is a completely different concept vs expected character behaviour). And if Dean’s consistently romance-coded past interactions with Cas are any indication, Jensen would also — in the same vein as all of us — want Dean and Cas to start getting their shit together. Long-running fictional characters like Dean and Cas, conceived over 10 years, are so well-written to the point where you, the author, can predict what they’ll do even if you just plop both of them inside a room and give them no direction, and I personally feel that nowadays Jensen is prevented from achieving Dean’s further internal growth/unsure how to act in the moment because of some dumb SBL scripts saying one thing while his character’s heart says another. Wank aside—

Season 15 should hopefully convey a much more logical subtextual perspective e.g. unbelievably amazingly cohesive Season Destiel 11 that aired after choppy S10. Not all hope is lost!! I also want to clarify that I personally LOVED Season 14 in general. It’s been mostly Emotion-centric constant, with Yockey, Berens, Perez, and Dabb usually making my top-rank SPN writer list.

Currently the narrative’s still allowing pretty significant (imho) wiggle room for the lovers to fracture apart and get back together, where their miscommunication comes to a dramatic head. We just saw Dean and Cas argue over Jack’s well-being in 14x18 and 19. Dean — besides putting Cas at the top of his You’re-Dead-to-Me-Because-You-Lied-but-I-Still-Love-You-Goddammit hitlist (for clear spousal-coded reasons) and taking Cas’ actions to heart (he’s the person he trusted the most who lied to him) — no doubt blamed himself for what happened, and Sam was, like I said, the mouthpiece of truth. TFW were all culpable. They all failed Jack in some way, shape, or form.

I’m not expecting anything for 14x20, but I’m nervous either way! Thanks for sticking with my long answer

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whitewolfofwinterfell · 5 years

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Angel and Cordelia (Cangel) - an in-depth analysis of their relationship

Angel and Cordelia are a ship I never expected to ship before watching Angel, but since finishing the show around November, I’ve fallen in love with them (and the show generally) and wanted to compile a post where I could express all my thoughts and feelings about them. This meta will be very in-depth and is divided into 9 sections:

1. ‘Pensiver Face’: Opposites Attract - Will explore Angel and Cordelia’s personalities and the ways in which these two unlikely characters came together and brought out new and wonderful sides to each other.

2. ‘Help the Helpless’: Finding purpose - Discusses the way in which Angel and Cordelia found purpose in their lives through meeting and the creation of Angel Investigations.

3. ‘We’re family’: Belonging and Family - Insight into how Angel and Cordelia created a family and home with each other that provided them with a sense of belonging (perhaps for the first time in their lives).

4. ‘My Dearest Friend’: Friendship and Love - Looks at Angel and Cordelia’s friendship and how that was at the core of their relationship throughout the series.

5. ‘You’re not alone’: Emotional connection - Uncovers the profound emotional connection Angel and Cordelia established with each other.

6. ‘It’s the stars’: Everyone can see it - Reflects on the common ‘Everyone can see it’ trope and how that was important to Angel and Cordelia’s relationship.

7. ‘Were we in love?’: Romantic love - An exploration of when and how Angel and Cordy’s romantic feelings for each other developed.

8. ‘I’ll be seeing you’: Missed Opportunity - Analyses the writing in seasons 4 and 5, and the ways in which Angel and Cordelia’s relationship was hugely disadvantaged by the writing.

9. ‘There are no people like us’: Why Angel/Cordelia are misunderstood and live in Buffy/Angel’s shadow - Unpicks some of the common misconceptions I’ve seen about Angel and Cordy’s relationship and the how comparisons made between their relationship and Buffy and Angel’s is unfair and does a disservice to both couples.

As you can see, section 9 does discuss Buffy and Angel, because I really couldn’t discuss Angel and Cordelia without also talking about Angel’s relationship with Buffy since she was so significant to Angel. It won’t be anti-Buffy/Angel (because I’m a huge Bangel shipper, as anyone that follows me will know), but I just wanted to give a warning for those that are a big fan of the ship as you might not want to read. However, the primary focus throughout will be on Angel and Cordelia’s relationship on ATS (I don’t really give much focus to BTVS since their interactions were so brief and lacking).

Before we get into it, I wanted to say this post is long, (coming in at around 9k words, whew! I had more to say than I realised), so if you’re interested in reading you might want to grab a drink or a snack and make yourself comfortable.

1. ‘Pensiver Face’: Opposites Attract

What makes Angel and Cordelia’s relationship so special is that it’s between two unlikely characters who, on the surface are polar opposites, but that compliment each other beautifully. Cordelia was specifically chosen to be a regular on ATS because she was the opposite to Angel - Whedon stated that Cordelia’s bright smile was needed to counteract Angel’s broody persona (x). The fundamental differences in Angel and Cordelia’s personalities meant that together they brought out different sides to each other. Angel was known for being reserved, contemplative, melancholy, deep and pessimistic, whilst in contrast Cordelia was known for being outgoing, bubbly, outspoken, shallow and optimistic.

Both characters came to ATS season 1 displaying these characteristics which they were well-known for on BTVS, but through meeting each other, they changed. Angel smiled more with Cordelia than arguably any other character in the Buffyverse (x) (x) (x) (x). Her infectious personality, witty sense of humour and straight-talking attitude coaxed him out of his shell. Also, because he was more submissive by nature, Angel responded to Cordelia’s assertiveness - she wasn’t afraid to take charge, call him out on things, make demands of him and ensure he stayed on the right path. She was the one that took charge of the business, launching Angel Investigations from practically nothing; she persuaded Angel that he should pay Gunn for working with them; she didn’t easily relent after he fired her, Wesley and Gunn; she told him he needed to set boundaries with Fred when she had a crush on Angel to prevent Fred from getting hurt; she held him accountable for getting Darla pregnant in season 3; she consistently encouraged him to fight for Connor no matter how hopeless or difficult it became and even in her brief return in season 5 she continued with this pattern. She straight up told Angel that he’d lost his way, lost sight of their mantra to help the helpless and had become entangled in the messiness of W&H. In doing so, she set Angel back on the right path. It’s strange because generally people view Angel as having more positive traits than Cordelia, but despite his good intentions, he was more prone to giving up and wallowing than Cordelia. Angel was more malleable, more willing to accept the bad in the world whilst Cordelia, on the other hand, persevered no matter what obstacles came her way and was firm in her morals. She knew what she believed to be good and she didn’t stray from that no matter what. That clear-cut attitude really helped Angel, who being a vampire and having seen so much evil, often become lost in the blurriness between good and evil, and became disheartened about fighting the good fight on numerous ocassions. Cordelia was truly Angel’s centre of gravity and moral compass - she was the one he relied on most in his redemptive journey and helping the helpless. That’s why throughout the series there was such a heavy emphasis on Angel needing Cordy (x) and why he proclaimed to be lost without her. Angel needing Cordelia was also demonstrative of a deeper emotional connection between them, which I’ll discuss later on.

Whilst Angel and Cordelia’s differences helped/changed Angel, they did the same for Cordy. Cordelia as a person was very focused on superficial gratification. She sought popularity and status, and she enjoyed money and material objects because of the pleasure they brought her. Her desire to become an actress reflects those desires she had. Although Cordelia demonstrated on BTVS that she was much more than the stereotypical popular-shallow girl she was portrayed to be (x), she wasn’t inclined to be considerate of others and empathy didn’t come naturally to her. In comparison, Angel spent a majority of his time thinking of others and had a wealth of empathy, for everybody regardless of whether they were those he loved or strangers; good or bad. There’s no doubt that the visions were a large part of what enabled Cordelia to be more empathetic since she was quite literally experiencing the traumas of others, but being close to Angel also impacted this. Until Cordelia became friends with Angel (and Doyle, Wes and Gunn), she’d never really been prioritised or cared for unconditionally. Angel’s kindness, consideration and support enabled Cordelia to open up emotionally in a way she never had before, not just to those closest to her, but to everybody. Ironically, a vampire (albeit a vampire with a soul) was the deepest insight Cordelia had gained into humanity. Angel devoted himself to helping others and Cordelia witnessed first-hand the positive impact that had on others and the rewards it brought. Whilst she fought against evil alongside the Scoobies on BTVS, it was being part of Angel Investigations that truly showed her the true meaning of fighting. It gave her purpose and belonging, which in turn allowed her to blossom in an entirely new way.

2. ‘Help the Helpless’: Finding purpose

Despite being different in many ways, Angel and Cordelia had one main thing in common - they were both seeking purpose, meaning and belonging in their lives at the start of ATS - and they found that with each other.

On BTVS Angel went through a traumatic ordeal with losing his soul, being killed by the woman he loved, being trapped in a hell dimension, coming back to life and then having to break up with Buffy. After Angel was cursed and his soul was restored, he retreated into the shadows and lived like a hermit for a century. He no longer belonged in the vampire or the human world, and he was so consumed with the guilt about his actions as Angelus that he was paralysed. He lived a lonely and purposeless existence - until the moment he saw Buffy. Buffy symbolised hope for Angel, because she was destined to fight evil and helping her provided him with a purpose for the first time in decades and I strongly believe that this (amongst other reasons) is why he fell in love with her. So when he split up with her and left for L.A. he lost his purpose along with Buffy. It’s clear that Angel’s time with Buffy and the Scoobies had been so significant to him that he couldn’t return to the life he had before he met Buffy, he needed to continue helping people, but he didn’t know how. Meeting Doyle immediately provided him with a sense of purpose by providing him with a connection to the HP, but as I already mentioned above, Cordelia really cemented that. Although Doyle knew he and Angel had a mission that they needed to work on together, he didn’t know how to make that a reality. Cordelia’s practicality, pragmatism and organisation is what took an idea - helping the helpless - and made it a reality - Angel Investigations. Like I said, Angel knew he wanted to help others but he didn’t really have a plan. When Angel Investigations was born, it became so much more than simply helping the odd person in distress after having stumbled upon them by chance. It became an indefinite commitment and mission which provided Angel with a true purpose - a purpose he realised was the singular most important thing to him in ‘Epiphany’ (2x16).

Cordelia was also in a similar place to Angel when she arrived in L.A. at the start of ATS. During her time on BTVS Cordelia’s character was built upon her status in high-school - she was pretty, rich and popular. Although she wasn’t afraid to stand up for what she believed in (such as defending Xander against her HS friends), she generally sought the approval of others. In HS Cordelia felt that she was somebody and that really came from her popularity and status. However, she admitted that that popularity came with a downside and that she was in fact, very lonely as a result of it (x). Cordelia’s experience in her relationship with Xander only fuelled that loneliness she felt because she isolated herself from her friends to be with him, and when he cheated on her, her ‘friendships’ with the rest of the Scoobies were revealed to be superficial in nature and quickly broke down. By the time she came to ATS, she had left high school and therefore was without her boyfriend (Xander), friends and the status that HS afforded her. This explains why she was on a mission to become a famous actress - to reclaim that status that she’d lost but on an even grander scale. The problem with this is that regardless of how shallow Cordy may have appeared, she clearly craved more than just popularity, fame or money. She’d already had that but it hadn’t fulfilled her. Enter Angel. Cordelia saw that Angel (and Doyle) needed guidance and that she could bring something important to the table. When she joined Angel and Doyle and set up Angel Investigations, she found her purpose just like Angel did. Initially, Cordelia’s desire to stick with Angel may have been because she didn’t have any other particularly appealing options, but it became so much more than that and by the end of season 1 Cordelia was wholly devoted to helping the helpless (x). In ‘Disharmony’ (2x17) she told Harmony that despite the popularity she had at HS, she was happier than she’d ever been because of the work she was doing, and having that sense of purpose came from meeting Angel. ‘Birthday’ (3x11) further reaffirmed this, when Cordelia chose being with Angel and helping the helpless over her dream of being a famous actress.

The creation of Angel Investigations (not just the business but also the family) wouldn’t have happened if Angel and Cordelia hadn’t of come together in the way they did. From the beginning, they were the heart of everything it was and when Angel lost Cordy in season 5, he admitted that he lost his way and was lost without her (again, this beckons back to Cordy being Angel’s centre of gravity). Poetically, Cordelia kissing Angel in ‘You’re Welcome’ (5x11) and passing on the vision to him quite literally set Angel (and co.) on the path to their final battle and brought purpose back into his life. But in addition to bringing purpose to each other’s lives through their shared mission of helping the helpless, they brought something else, perhaps more significant - belonging and family.

3. ‘We’re family’: Belonging and Family

Although Angel and Cordelia had bonds with others prior to ATS - Angel had relationships with Darla, Dru, Spike, Buffy; Cordelia with Harmony, Xander and the Scoobies - they never had with anyone else what they found with each other (and the rest of Angel Investigations) (x). In season 1 Cordelia referred to Angel as being her family and Angel reiterated that later in the series. The unconditional support, acceptance and care Angel and Cordelia had towards one other was unlike anything they’d had in any of their previous relationships (particularly for Cordelia).

Angel prioritised Cordelia, he devoted himself to keeping her safe (x) (x), he was always concerned for her well-being and he took the time to get to know her as a person. He didn’t like Cordy because of her status or popularity, he liked her for her and he expressed that numerous times - he told her he liked both versions of her (old and new), that she was an extraordinary woman and that he’d never known anybody like her (x) (x). Likewise, Cordelia accepted Angel - warts and all - without white washing his past or being ignorant to his darkness. She knew Angelus had done terrible things, and that Angel wasn’t immune from making mistakes and she held him accountable for that. But she also encouraged Angel to be open with her about that side of himself, telling him to drink blood in front of her and reassuring him that she and Doyle wouldn’t judge his vamp face (x). Cordelia came face to face with Angelus multiple times and she knew that even with a soul Angel had the capacity for darkness, but she still saw the good in him and believed it out-weighed the bad. She was never under any false illusions that Angel was perfect and that’s why she was firm in her promise that if needs be she would stake Angelus without hesitation.

It’s really that unconditional support and acceptance that led them to consider each other family. What’s most significant about this is that neither of them really had that before ATS. Angel (Liam) grew up in a volatile family situation with an abusive father and Cordelia’s family was so insignificant in her life that we only had a few references to them throughout the course of BTVS and ATS and not a single appearance from them. Neither of them really had a true home or family until they found each other. The friendship they found with each other (and the rest of Angel Investigations) truly was one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to either of them and provided them with a true home for the first time in their lives. In fact, in season 4 Angel explicitly said when Cordelia was missing “We’ll do whatever it takes to bring her home, where she belongs”, which perfectly sums up the title for this section about belonging and family. The bond they forged was one of the first they established with another that felt completely secure and contented (which is also why Cordelia reacted so negatively to him abandoning her, Wes and Gunn in season 2 over Darla), because at it’s core it was a friendship built upon familial love, which in my opinion, is the strongest and most enduring love there is.

4. ‘My Dearest Friend’: Friendship and Love

The most common argument I’ve seen against Angel and Cordelia as a romantic ship is, “They should’ve just stayed friends, they were better that way”. My issue with this is that Angel and Cordelia didn’t just fulfil one or the other - friendship or romance - they fulfilled both and so much more (x). What makes Angel and Cordelia’s relationship so special is that they morphed from acquaintances, to coworkers, to confidantes, to friends, to family, to lovers and were often some (or all) of these things to each other at once. Their feelings for each other cannot be boxed in, because they encompass so much, but there is no disputing that they loved each other.

Angel and Cordy had a profound connection spanning across the entirety of ATS, that no amount of words I type can quite express. They were a constant presence in each others’ lives for years, they were by each others’ sides through some of the most significant events of their lives and they shared it all - the highs and lows, the good and bad. Even when their romantic feelings came into fruition, their friendship remained unchanged. Nothing could change that fundamental dynamic between them or the ease with which they communicated and bounced off of one another. Any scene between Angel and Cordy has a natural chemistry (the nature of that chemistry is up to interpretation), and even when Angel was a awkward, bumbling and flustered fool, their interactions never felt strained or uncomfortable. This is because they knew each other so well and were so attuned to each other, but also because their relationship was already so well established by the time they realised they had romantic feelings for each other that there was no danger of those feelings complicating or endangering that friendship. It’s why in ‘Spin the Bottle’ (4x06) Angel told Cordelia that she was his dearest friend and he wanted that back. He was able to push aside his romantic feelings and desires because her friendship was more important to him than anything else.

Some may claim it’s weird for two people who referred to each other as family to be in love with each other, but when you’re in love with someone they are your family. The fact that Angel and Cordelia had that kind of connection provided them with the closeness, comfortableness, familiarity and security for those romantic feelings to blossom. Angel, in particular, had an aversion to romance because of The Curse and his experience with Buffy, but he felt so safe with Cordelia that it’s almost like he allowed himself to feel that way about him. Likewise, Cordelia was rather guarded in matters of the heart given her romantic history with Xander, but she felt so safe with Angel that she was able to finally open herself up in that way without even really realising she was. That profound connection between them can’t really be quantified, but can be seen in their actions.

5. ‘You’re not alone’: Emotional connection

When I say that it would do them a disservice to try and box Angel and Cordelia’s relationship into the platonic or romantic arena, that’s because of the emotional connection they shared which extends beyond such labels.

According to Wiki, ‘Emotional intimacy is a psychological event that happens when trust levels and communication between two people are such that it fosters the mutual sharing of one another's deepest selves.’ It involves trust, mutual trust, sense of community, understanding, open communication and sharing a duty. As you read this I’m sure you’re realising that Angel and Cordelia had all of this. They lived in close proximity day after day for years - they worked together, they fought together, they laughed together, they loved the same people (Doyle, Wes, Gunn, Fred, Connor), they grieved together (for Doyle and Connor), they shared the same beliefs and morals and they were united in the same mission to help the helpless. All of this led to them developing a profound emotional connection whereby they came to rely on each other and trust each other, and were able to open up to each other without fear of judgement or rejection (x). Throughout the series Angel and Cordy had multiple heart to hearts in which they confided in each other, encouraged or reassured each other and those talks became more regular as their connection grew. Something as simple as Angel calling Cordelia ‘Cordy’ (which he didn’t do until ATS ‘Are You Now or Have You Ever Been?’ 2x02) demonstrated that developing connection between them.

Again, it would be futile for me to list every example of when Angel and Cordelia had a scene that showed this emotional connection (particularly since you’ll have seen them all if you’ve watched the show), but off the top of my head some key examples would be - Cordelia helped Angel open up about Doyle’s death after Angel accidentally called Wesley Doyle; Cordelia helped Angel to open up about Buffy’s death after he’d spent 3 months trying to come to terms with it; when Cordelia fell ill from a vision Angel reassured her that her value to him wasn’t invested solely in her visions; generally Angel supported Cordelia repeatedly through the trauma of her visions; after Connor was born Angel developed an overly-protective paternal instinct and wouldn’t let anybody hold him, and Cordelia was the first he allowed to hold him; after Connor’s kidnapping Cordelia was able to simply sit with him in the silence and provide the emotional support no one else could and when Angel was insecure about bonding with Connor (after his return) she reassured him he was a capable and loving father.

Nothing showed the depth of that emotional connection more than the beginning of season 4 when Angel was at the bottom of the ocean. In order to hold on to his sanity, Angel repeatedly dreamt of Cordelia in various romantic scenarios and admitted to Wes and Gunn when he returned that the one thing that had kept him holding on was the thought of returning home to Cordelia. Cordy and his love for her was the tether to his humanity, his hope when everything was hopeless, his light in the dark.

I could continue exploring this because their emotional connection is demonstrated in nearly every scene they have together, but the point has been made that Angel and Cordelia consistently opened up to one another and were by each other’s sides through the hardest of times. Although they both had the rest of Angel Investigations (Wesley, Gunn, Fred and Lorne), they primarily turned to each other in their time or need or when they were feeling low. They instinctively knew what to do/say to ease each other’s insecurities, fears or anxieties and were each other’s source of emotional strength. What’s even more significant about this is that their connection was so profound, that even those around them noticed it.

6. ‘It’s the stars’: Everyone can see it

‘Everyone can see it’ is a popular romantic trope whereby a couple are perfect for each other but don’t realise their feelings for one another, but everyone else around them does. This was an integral part of Angel and Cordelia’s relationship since they found it very difficult, as friends, to make sense of their romantic feelings for each other and to acknowledge those feelings.

The first person to notice the chemistry between Angel and Cordelia was Fred in ‘Offspring’ (3x07). After seeing them sparring Fred spoke about kyrumption (two heroes meeting in battle and recognising their same fate) and moira (the gut physical attraction between two larger-than-life souls). Angel’s feelings for Cordelia had already been present long before then, but Fred’s observations provided him with an opportunity to acknowledge them for the first time and reflect on them.

Lorne being an empath naturally had an insight into Angel’s feelings and in ‘Waiting in the Wings’ (3x13) he revealed that he’d read Angel and knew he had feelings for Cordelia. Like Fred, he also spoke of kyrumption and told Angel that the way he was feeling for Cordelia was real. Lorne consistently was attuned to Angel’s feelings for Cordelia and understood that they’d grown beyond friendship. He also actively encouraged Angel to act on them because he believed Cordelia felt the same way about him and he shouldn’t miss the chance to see what they could be.

I watched ‘Waiting in the Wings’ with commentary from Whedon last week and in that he explained that the spell was a way for Angel and Cordelia to act on the feelings they had for each other (that they were only just starting to realise) in a way whereby they didn’t actually have to admit that they had those feelings and wanted to act on them (because they were afraid of the consequences). Fred and Lorne’s observations are very much the same - they’re a conduit through which Angel was able to internally explore his growing romantic feelings for Cordy and slowly come to the realisation that he was in love with her.

7. ‘Were we in love?’: Romantic love

Although I’ve been primarily focused on the general connection between Angel and Cordelia and what they brought to each other’s lives, there was definitely romantic love and attraction between the two of them and it’s important to discuss that.

I think when people compare Angel and Cordy’s relationship to Angel’s relationship with Buffy people feel Angel’s love for Cordelia wasn’t romantic or passionate, but it was, it’s just that the love he had for Cordy and their relationship was so fundamentally different from his relationship with Buffy that the two can’t really be compared. Buffy was Angel’s epic, great love - it consumed him from the inside out, it was intense, passionate and devastating - but Cordy was something entirely different. She wasn’t supposed to be some big epic love, she was supposed to be a friend with whom he developed a strong bond with and slowly came to fall in love with over time. Their love wasn’t characterised by angst-ridden scenes, grand speeches of forbidden love and sexual tension - it was grounded in family, friendship and emotional connection (as I’ve explored above). Their feelings for each other weren’t sudden and didn’t start out big (they truly were just acquaintances at the start of ATS season 1), but as they spent time together, shared experiences and got to know each other, their romantic feelings quietly grew in the background until neither of them could ignore it anymore.

It’s frustrating that we never got a clear admission of love between the two (all of their love confessions were to other people or cut off before they finished), but there is no doubt in my mind that Angel and Cordelia were in love. Their actions proved that and from a personal perspective, I could feel the love between them. Everyone will have different interpretations of when they believe the pair fell in love, but interestingly, I don’t think there’s supposed to be ‘one moment’ that they fell in love, because the whole point of their relationship is that it was never that clear cut. They didn’t go to bed one night as best friends and wake up the next day a think, “I’m in love with Angel/Cordelia!”. It was a subtle evolution of feelings over time, which neither of them truly noticed until it was brought to their attention by others, because they were so used to being friends and navigating within the realms of that, that they didn’t consider the possibility that their feelings could have gone beyond that.

Since ATS was primarily focused on Angel’s POV, it’s very easy to follow Angel’s evolving feelings for Cordelia and attempt to pin-point the moment at which his romantic feelings came to fruition. Like I said, I don’t think there was one particular moment where Angel realised his feelings for Cordelia, but in my opinion, they had definitley developed by ‘Dead End’ (2x18). At the beginning of season 2, Angel had a crisis due to Darla’s return and he fired Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn. It was really the darkest we saw Angel get in ATS whilst he had his soul, he truly lost his way for a while and Cordelia was so hurt and angry by his actions that she couldn’t forgive him. When Angel finally realised he’d made a mistake cutting his friends out of his life, he did everything he could to make amends, but he seemed most affected by the loss of Cordelia’s friendship and he was determined to earn her forgiveness. What’s interesting about this is that at this point one could argue that Angel’s friendship with Cordelia wasn’t that profound and it didn’t particularly matter if they made up, because they still could’ve worked together as co-workers (although it might’ve been a little awkward and uncomfortable). But Angel was adamant that he wanted her friendship back and almost the entirety of ‘Epiphany’ (2x16) was focused on Angel’s desire to make amends with Cordy and his devastation when she refused to accept him back. This continued in ‘Disharmony’ (2x17), with him desperately fighting to earn her forgiveness and ending with him winning Cordelia over by buying her clothes, which he was visibly happy about (x). Angel’s reaction at the prospect of losing Cordelia beckons back to ‘To Shanshu to L.A.’ (1x22) when we witnessed for the first time how scared he was to lose her and also suggests that at this point in season 2 his romantic feelings were developing for her. In the following episode ‘Dead End’ (2x18), he was so focused on making Cordelia feel better (and this was likely a continuation of him making it up to her) that he brought her food and his reaction to her saying she loved him was perhaps the brightest smile I’ve ever seen on Angel’s face (x). In ‘Belonging’ (2x19), Angel’s attraction to Cordelia was made clear when he saw her in a bikini and he also expressed anger at the director of the commercial she was filming for treating her like a ‘commodity’ and a ‘slave’, forcing him to apologise to Cordelia for the way he spoke to her and telling Cordelia he would rip his head off if she wanted him to. When Cordelia was sucked into the portal to Pylea in ‘Over the Rainbow’ (2x20), Angel’s profound emotional connection to Cordelia was clear (x) - he just wanted her back, he didn’t care how or what they had to do and he expressed that he couldn’t lose Cordy again after just getting her back (also that one line, ‘It’s Cordy’, that Angel says to Wesley when he tells Angel it’s too dangerous to go through the portal and they may never get back holds so much emotion). When Cordelia admitted to loving Groo in Pylea, Angel mistakenly thought she was saying it to him and was disappointed to learn otherwise. So basically, by the end of season 2 Angel undoubtedly had romantic feelings for Cordelia, but wasn’t yet aware of them. Season 3 continued to build on that by allowing Angel to heal following Buffy’s death and reach a resolution in ‘Heartthrob’ (3x01) whereby he could start to process his feelings for Cordy, putting him a situation where he was faced with the prospect of losing her again, therefore cementing the depth of his feelings for her (‘That Vision Thing’ 3x02) and having Fred share her observations about his feelings for her, finally allowing him to fully acknowledge them for the first time.

From Cordelia’s POV it’s much harder to guess when her romantic feelings for Angel developed, because we didn’t get as much insight into her. I do think her feelings for him didn’t come as soon as Angel’s did for her and neither did the realisation that she felt that way. ‘That Vision Thing’ (3x02) hints that Cordelia’s feelings for Angel may have begun to grow beyond friendship when she said, “If I lose the visions I wouldn't be able to help you anymore. You wouldn't need me.” Notice, Cordelia was concerned with Angel needing her, not the rest of the team. Also, since Angel was so devoted to saving Cordelia and explicitly told her she was more important to him than his vendetta against W&H, we can assume this impacted Cordelia’s feelings towards him since this was perhaps the first time she noticed how committed he was to keeping her safe and how much he wanted her in his life. I also think that witnessing Angel go through the process of becoming a father significantly impacted Cordy’s feelings for Angel. Seeing him take on the role of a father showed an even softer, nurturing side of him and the bond Cordy developed with Connor also brought them closer together. However, ‘Birthday’ (3x11) is the first episode that properly affirms the depth of Cordelia’s feelings for Angel. She was given everything she ever wanted - fame, money, stardom - and she gave it all up to return to Angel. Despite having no memory, upon seeing Angel so broken, Cordelia instinctively leaned in and kissed him fulfilling the old fairy-tale trope of true love’s kiss breaking the spell. I think from Cordelia’s POV, she was much more closed off to allowing herself to acknowledge her romantic feelings for Angel because she didn’t even consider Angel a romantic option given The Curse. This also explains why upon Groo’s return in season 3, she resumed her relationship with him despite having clearly developed profound romantic feelings for Angel that led her to prioritise him above Groo repeatedly to the point that Groo himself noticed that she had feelings for Angel.

This brings me back to the main point about Angel and Cordelia’s romantic feelings for each other never being straightforward or easily defined. In ‘Waiting in the Wings’ (3x13) it was clear - spell or no spell - that Angel and Cordelia shared a mutual sexual attraction and that Angel’s canonically confirmed romantic feelings for Cordelia were reciprocated. Yet Cordelia didn’t confirm her feelings for him explicitly to the audience until 9 episodes later in the finale of the season. This is for a number of reasons, but primarily because it was easier to continue denying their feelings and remain friends than face the complications that a romance posed. Even if they had been given the chance to openly express their feelings for each other, what would’ve happened next? As Angel said to Lorne in ‘Waiting in the Wings’, what could he offer her (as a cursed vampire)? It would’ve been too complicated and they knew that.

That criss-cross and complexity of their love is part of the reason I love them so much, because it’s authentic and relatable. Particularly in the case of friends who have fallen in love - it’s no easy transition and it’s definitely not easy to make sense of your feelings Plus, Angel and Cordy had the added complications that went with their life (Angel being a vampire, The Curse, Darla, their friends, Angel Investigations, W&H and the supernatural world generally, to name a few). In an interview a long time ago SMG said that the most heartbreaking thing about Buffy and Angel was that it was unfulfilled love, and in this respect so are Angel and Cordelia. It’s heartbreaking because they truly loved one another but they were never even given the opportunity to see what they could potentially be. They missed their chance and because of that they were always left wondering ‘what if?’

8. ‘I’ll be seeing you’: Missed Opportunity

The fact that Angel and Cordy never got their shot to be together (which they discussed in ‘You’re Welcome’ 5x11) is the tragedy of their love. However, it wouldn’t be the same love story if it didn’t have that unresolved element to it. Everybody longs for closure and resolution with their ships, but the truth is, in real life few people truly get that, they simply have to move on and live with their regrets. But whilst I love Angel and Cordelia’s relationship and story as it is, there’s no escaping the fact that they were done dirty in seasons 4 and 5 in regards to the writing and as a result their story did go in a...shall we say unfavourable direction?

Everyone that’s ever watched ATS has problems with season 4 (I could write a separate post about the problems with season 4, particularly in regards to Cordelia’s character), and when it comes to Angel and Cordelia’s relationship, there’s a lot that was handled badly which unfortunately, derailed the beautiful development that took place between them in season 3. We still had a lot of key moments that played out between Angel and Cordelia in season 4, but the main problem with the season is that we don’t actually know when Cordelia was actually Cordelia. At what point was she herself, if she ever was? Did she really have amnesia? If so, can we count amnesia!Cordy as still being Cordy to an extent? When did Jasmine start to take over? Did she have any agency at all when she was possessed by Jasmine, even if it was only the briefest of moments? All of these questions remain unanswered and make it very difficult to fully assess the Angel/Cordelia relationship during season 4, but I’m going to try to anyway.

What remained clear throughout season 4 was that Angel loved Cordy. In fact, despite Cordelia technically being absent for the majority of the season, it was very Cangel-heavy, perhaps more than the seasons before it. Angel had multiple dreams/fantasies about Cordelia, devoted himself to finding her when she was missing at the start of the season, was visibly distraught to have her lose her memories and strike up a relationship with Connor, and lost his soul from a fantasy of making love to her. In my opinion, this is the season that really affirmed that Angel was in love with Cordy beyond any doubt. When Angel asked Cordelia if they were in love and she replied, “We were”, I strongly believe that was Cordelia. She’d just gotten her memories back so Jasmine hadn’t had chance to worm her way to the forefront yet, and I believe in that moment that was Cordelia finally breaking through and telling Angel that she loved him. Although the circumstances are ambiguous to say the least, I believe this to be the first admission of love exchanged between the two whereby the words were said plainly (because obviously they said ‘I love you’ to each other repeatedly before this moment in other ways). However, this doesn’t undo the dirty that was done to Angel and Cordelia in this season. Despite the fact that we know Cordelia wasn’t responsible for any of her actions since she was possessed by Jasmine, it’s still very hard when watching her with Connor to separate Jasmine from Cordelia. And from Angel’s perspective, he literally watched the woman he loved have sex with his son. Finding out afterwards that it wasn’t actually Cordelia doesn’t reduce the devastating impact of witnessing that and the way the Cordelia!Jasmine arc was written did taint some aspects of their relationship by forcing Angel to have to witness ‘Cordelia’ enter into a romantic relationship with Connor and have a child with him. Also, it was utterly ridiculous and unbelievable that Angel and co. wouldn’t recognise that Cordy wasn’t herself. This is definitely a writing issue, because the whole possession thing was handled so badly in the respect that Cordelia seemed like herself (even her sleeping with Connor was believable due to her amnesiac state), but it was still not in-keeping with the show that none of her friends (and especially Angel) would notice that Cordelia was possessed. Overall, season 4 did a huge disservice to Angel and Cordelia’s romance (although the biggest disservice was definitely done to Cordelia’s character) and whilst their relationship was beautifully developed in seasons 1-3, season 4 stopped that development in its tracks.

Season 5 continued to do a disservice to Cordelia (and Angel and Cordelia) by practically erasing Cordy from existence (I know that backstage issues with the cast need to be taken into consideration here, but the lack of consideration to Cordelia’s character is still a valid point to discuss). Despite how utterly terrified Angel was whenever faced with the prospect of losing Cordelia, in season 5 he was visibly fine about Cordelia being in a coma and wasn’t even attempting to pull her out of it. The fact that Angel (and co.) would simply stand by and go on with the rest of their lives without devoting every single second to waking Cordy is ridiculous and completely OOC for all of them. Angel, Wes, Gunn, Fred, Lorne and Cordy were deeply connected and would have done anything for each other, and there’s no way they would’ve given up on Cordy like that. But back to the point, despite Angel being in love with Cordelia throughout season 4, there was no reference to his feelings for her until ‘You’re Welcome’ (5x11). Now, don’t get me wrong, I love that episode and I always will, but I also can’t help but notice how out of place that episode feels within the rest of the season. In the episodes leading up to it Cordelia was barely mentioned and in the episodes afterwards, her death was completely ignored with only a few passing references from Angel near the end of the season (don’t even get me started on the fact that she didn’t even get a funeral. What the hell was that all about?!?!? This is Cordy.) Furthermore, Angel reverted back to being actively in love with Buffy (particularly in ‘The Girl in Question’ 5x20, which is honestly such a bad episode, I can’t even) with no consideration given to the fact that he had feelings for Cordelia. Personally, I believe all of these consistencies come from fan pandering - the reaction to Angel and Cordelia becoming a couple was very negative so they reverted back to the Angel/Buffy relationship because it was so popular and well-loved. But back to, ‘You’re Welcome’, the episode definitely redeemed some of what was done to Cordelia (and her relationship with Angel) by giving her/them a satisfying ending after an horrendous season 4, but nothing can truly make up for the fact that Angel and Cordelia’s relationship was so abruptly ended in the manner it was. It also can’t make up for the fact that we missed out on two entire seasons worth of development that we would’ve potentially got if the Jasmine plot hadn’t taken place (again, I understand this was largely down to behind-the-scenes complications with Charisma and Whedon).

These flaws in the writing (and execution of the relationship) in seasons 4 and 5 is far and above my biggest criticism of Angel and Cordelia’s relationship as a whole (although it’s a criticism of the writers more so than Cordelia and Angel or David and Charisma). It never would have made sense for Angel and Cordy to have a plain sailing fairy-tale romance, but they had so much more potential and could have grown to become something even more beautiful if season 4 had continued to build upon their development from seasons 1-3. ‘You’re Welcome’ perfectly demonstrates the potential they had and what they could’ve become if Cordelia hadn’t been possessed by Jasmine. And that was only a taster and we could’ve had, we could’ve so much more. In my opinion, there were no limits on where their relationship could have been taken since it was so well written, built-up and established leading up to season 4. The fact that we’ll never know how the relationship would’ve played out if it had continued is sad, but as I said, that missed chance that they had is key to Angel and Cordelia’s relationship. It’s the one that got away, the love that could never be and that one person whom we always wonder, “What if?” about.

9. ‘There are no people like us’: Why Angel/Cordelia are misunderstood and live in Buffy/Angel’s shadow

The final section I wanted to do is an exploration of the reasons why I feel Cordelia and Angel are misunderstood as a ship and how I believe this primarily stems from the fact that they live in Buffy/Angel’s shadow. This is where I’ll be comparing Angel/Cordelia and Buffy/Angel, so if you’re a fan of Buffy/Angel, you may not want to read this final section. However, this isn’t anti-Buffy/Angel, it’s really me working through my own thoughts and feelings as both a Buffy/Angel and a Angel/Cordelia shipper (yes, we exist haha).

People have a tendency to make comparisons between the Angel/Cordelia and Buffy/Angel relationship two relationships, when in reality (as I’ve mentioned above) the two aren’t really comparable. Angel’s relationships with Buffy and Cordelia were distinctive, took place under completely different circumstances and brought different things to his life. Angel was fully engaged in a romantic relationship with Buffy for 2 years (on and off), but he never had the opportunity to do that with Cordelia. The romantic feelings were there, as was the potential for them to act on that and see what they could be, but it didn’t happen. So to compare the two relationships (when technically Angel and Cordy never entered into a romantic relationship) is futile to say the least. However, people naturally make those comparisons and when they do they seem to come up with two key reasons Angel/Cordelia are inferior to Buffy/Angel:

1. Sexual relationship/chemistry - It hasn’t escaped my attention that Buffy and Angel have a lot more sexual chemistry than Angel and Cordelia. Honestly, in my opinion, nothing can really compare to SMG/David chemistry, it’s so damn good. However, this criticism simply fails to understand that Angel and Cordelia’s love/connection never was primarily one of a sexual nature (notice that every fantasy Angel ever had of Cordelia was romantic not sexual). Romance was definitely part of their relationship (particularly in seasons 3, 4 and 5) and they had an attraction and they had chemistry (’Waiting in the Wings’ damn well proved that), but their relationship was never about sex. In comparison to Angel and Buffy, their relationship was deeply rooted in attraction. From the moment they meet each other they’re very physically attracted to each other and in seasons 1 and 2 they both make references made to how badly they want to kiss each other whenever they’re together, whilst in season 3 they discuss the difficulties they find in fighting against their sexual attraction to each other. As a result, Angel and Buffy’s relationship was always heavily steeped in sexual tension. The fact that Angel and Cordelia’s relationship didn’t have the same level of sexual attraction doesn’t make that relationship any less important, just different (which I know I keep saying, but it’s kind of my whole argument here - the two relationships are so fundamentally different you can’t compare them).

2. Buffy is Angel’s one and only true love - There’s no denying that Buffy was and always will be Angel’s great love, but to quote one of my not-so-favourite shows (The Vampire Diaries), contrary to popular belief, people can (and usually do) have more than one great love in their lives. Clinging too tightly to the Buffy/Angel relationship ignores the immense changes Angel undergoes on ATS and the fact he moved on from Buffy (up until Spike’s return in season 5, which reverts him back to being kind of obsessed with Buffy, which is such bad writing and so inconsistent that it annoys me. And this isn’t including crossovers either, because damn, they’re so problematic/inconsistent and I didn’t even realised until I watched ATS, but I can see now why the writers didn’t want to do too many crossovers despite the fans wanting them). Buffy was always in Angel’s heart and he always carried her with him, but he didn’t actively pine over her or yearn for her when he moved to L.A. (he did more so in season 1 and particularly after the events of ‘I Will Remember You’, but he slowly moved on). Angel conclusively and healthily moved on from Buffy - he established a life for himself which he loved and made him happy, he found a home, friends and embarked on a new love with Cordy. When two people have shared a love like Angel did with Buffy, it never goes away but it does change and it almost grows dormant (for reference, there’s a brilliant meta that discusses Angel moving on from Buffy which you can read here). To use a real life example here, my mom (who’s now 50) has been in around 5 serious long-term relationships in her life and has been with her current partner for 5 years and is completely in love with him. However, she’s openly admitted to me that she loved my dad more than she’s ever loved any man and she still regards him the love of her life. That doesn’t mean she’s still in love with him, because she’s not. She hasn’t seen him in two decades, she’s moved on and she’s found love with someone new. That love she had with him is a memory in her head and her heart, but it has no place in her life now. She’s a different person, her life has changed dramatically and that love is in the past. If he rocked up now he’d be a stranger to her and regardless of those memories she has of him, he’s no longer the person she’s in love with. That’s exactly what happened with Buffy and Angel. They always loved each other, but Angel truly did move forward (whether Buffy moved on is something I’m less unsure of). In ‘Heartthrob’ (3x01) Angel told James that he’d lost the woman he loved (Buffy) and that he had loved her with his whole heart. In response, James said that that couldn’t be true because if it was, when she had died Angel would’ve died along with her. After that, in a scene with Cordy (x), Angel admitted that he was okay and had dealt with Buffy’s death and how he felt guilty about that. In my opinion, this episode (and those scenes in particular) confirmed that Angel had moved on from Buffy and had gotten to a place where he could finally open himself up to Cordelia wholeheartedly. In fact, David spoke about how Angel had moved on from Buffy and that Cordy was what he needed (he also mentioned Darla, which is a topic I won’t get into because I could write an entirely separate post about that too) and here’s what he said:

Interviewer: Darla killed herself, right? The baby's mother? Who's gonna step up and help Angel raise the baby? Buffy?

David: God, no. Buffy's pretty much out of the picture. They've played their storyline and that's just the past. I think between Cordelia and Fred he'll be mommied to death. But, Buffy's just the past.

Interviewer: Oh, come on. Buffy can never really be just the past, can she? I mean, that's Angel's soulmate.

David: I think Darla was probably his soulmate. I mean, they spent a hundred years together, then made a baby. You can't just--

Interviewer: Well, then Buffy was his first love.

David: Angel was Buffy's first love, but Angel loved Darla in a sick way.

Interviewer: I'm a Buffy/Angel fan. Sorry.

David: You're forgiven. No, I'm just saying that the two shows are on different networks and it's not gonna happen. There's no more story there for those two. Buffy isn't Angel's priority anymore. In season one and two of our show, she was always in the back of his mind, well, now it's all about the baby and Buffy is just, well, she's just a person he used to know.

Interviewer : Awww, come on! The story there was so incredible.

David: And like every good story, it came to an end. And then started over. On. Different. Networks. (again with the emphasis)

Interviewer : Is Angel going to hook up with Cordy?

David: Well, I'm all for it. I don't know what the writers have planned in that regard, but I'm a fan of Charisma's work and I'd love for our characters to be romantically involved. Cordy is really what Angel needs, I believe. (x)

See, it’s important to acknowledge that as amazing as Buffy and Angel’s story was, they broke up and went their separate ways. As David rightfully pointed out, it was the past and Buffy was no longer his priority. It’s always frustrated me that Angel was expected not to move on and to pine for Buffy, whilst Buffy was allowed to move on and find love again. The argument is that Angel was so much older than Buffy that he couldn’t or rather shouldn’t want to find love, whilst Buffy was still young, but the problem is, although Angel was technically old, he was still a teenager himself in terms of his experiences in love. He didn’t have a soul for 100 years so was incapable of love and then he spent 100 years when he had a soul cut off from the world. He had barely experienced anything the world had to offer and he certainly hadn’t had the opportunity to forge connections with others or explore the world of love. Buffy was able to move on from Angel and experience different types of relationships/loves with Parker (urgh), Riley and Spike (amongst others who she flirted with or briefly dated post-BTVS season 3). Angel deserved the same opportunity to experience new types of relationships that were different than the one he had with Buffy. I’m going to use another quote The Vampire Diaries because I feel it sums this up perfectly, “I realised that I may not be able to explain what I feel for her, but it is something, and, yeah, maybe all love isn't true love in the messed up way that you and I have experienced it, but I think this could turn into something even better.” This right here is exactly how I perceive Angel’s feelings for Buffy and Cordelia to be. Angel had only ever loved one person, Buffy was all he’d ever known of love and it was so big, messy and all-consuming , but with Cordelia he realised that love didn’t necessarily have to be like that and that there are different types of love.

There’s no disputing that Angel never loved Cordelia in the same way he loved Buffy (which this post explains perfectly) - Angel will never love anyone the way he loved Buffy, but he did fall in love with Cordelia and she enriched his life in new ways and filled a void in him in much the same way Buffy did. During ATS Cordelia surpassed Buffy in importance simply because of the place she had in Angel’s life - she was the center of his world and without her it wouldn’t be the same (we saw that in season 5). It would be unfair to claim Angel couldn’t or shouldn’t love someone else just because he had such an intense love with Buffy. What makes his relationship with Cordelia so special is that it was so different than the love he had with Buffy. Those two loves will always sit in contrast to each other, but will never overshadow or replace one another because they’re both significant and special for different reasons.

The point of talking about this was really just to highlight that Angel and Cordelia’s relationship is not by any means invalid or inferior because of Buffy/Angel. Both relationships are important and exist in contrast to each other. Angel and Cordelia’s relationship does tend to be misunderstood and/or unappreciated due to the nature of the writing (which had a lot of problems in seasons 4 and 5, and even a little in season 3) and because they’re too heavily compared to the hot and heavy romance between Angel and Buffy. However, Angel and Cordelia’s relationship developed organically over time in a subtle way and is demonstrative of how much relationships can evolve as life progresses and circumstances change, and how two people can grow together. Theirs was a story about two people, who in the beginning were indifferent to each other, but grew to know each other profoundly and found a lot through being in each others lives - purpose, belonging, family, friendship and love - and through having and sharing that, they fell in love. It’s not a conventional romantic love as most of us would expect, and they didn’t have the chances to fully explore their romantic connection because their story ended prematurely, but it was a beautiful relationship embedded in human connection and friendship at the deepest and purest level.

If you got to the end of this, thank you so much for reading. This took me days and days to write and edit, so I’m really grateful to you for reading and would appreciate likes/reblogs if you found this interesting. I’d also love to hear your thoughts on this topic, so if you have any feel free to stop by my ask box :)

#angel the series #ats #cangel #angel x cordelia #ats meta #angel the series meta #cangel meta #mine #my meta #i can't even explain how long this took to write #i just hope that at least one person reads it now lmao #i spent so long on my last meta about the punisher and that has no notes #i guess even if no one reads it i get the enjoyment out of writing it and that's what counts

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sometimesrosy · 6 years

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Ugh, don’t even remind me of the [Cl/\xa] stans, they say we are delusionals when is THEM that ship a relationship which has many, MANY, red flags, but anyways i do agree with on the whole calling B/C out through out the show, i feel like we are gonna see it this next season, also i hope that there is a scene where B has to save C and E sees and realizes their soulmate bond, that can be a preview of their breakup

Hey, listen. I am not actually judging anyone for liking a romance story that I don’t personally like. Redflags or not. The human heart is not pure. It doesn’t only love perfect things. Which is good, because no one is perfect and we all get to be loved, with our imperfections.

In fact, I have to admit, I’m not a big romance reader, okay, but there’s this ONE bodice ripper book that I’ve read, over and over again since I was a teenager. I read it when I’m not feeling well, like a comfort thing.

So today I was super tired and lay down with this book, that I actually lost for a while when my books were in storage, and I’m like, oooh, i should make a bellarke fic based on my favorite bodice ripper historical romance and I start thinking about it and realize. This bodice ripper doesn’t FIT Bellarke. It fits CLxa.

THAT’S the romance story that was told. A classic power fantasy, bold daring enemy turned into epic love, kidnapping, political machinations, being unable to hate the LI because their connection is so profound, winning over the princess, almost that political marriage despite being from opposite sides. Pledges. Loyalty. A love despite differences and conflicting loyalties. Like there’s SO MUCH that is consistent with these M/F love stories that we’ve been getting for so freaking long.

Something that wlw stories never got. They flipped the classical m/f trope on its head and made it w/w.

So like I totally understand why they loved this romantic tale of the princess and the warrior queen. It is a classic romantic fantasy the likes of which I’ve been reading since I was a teen.

ROMANTIC TROPES GALORE.

The love story of Bellarke is a DIFFERENT kind of romance. Pride and Prejudice. Penelope and Odysseus.

BOTH ROMANCES GET TO EXIST ALONGSIDE EACH OTHER. In fact, Odysseus HAD his CL like romance, and then he left and went back to Penelope.

There are plenty of tropes with b/e too, I’m sure. Finding each other in a cage. Forgiveness. They are tender and supportive. Some battle couple. I mean, I don’t see as many, but I also think that a lot of B/e was put in place not to create it’s own love story, but to act as the obstacle for Bellarke, but I bet b/e fans could find them and they wouldn’t be wrong.

Even Flarke. That one started out with your basic YA, romantic hero trope. He TOTALLY was exactly the dashing romantic hero who sweeps the overly serious YA heroine off her feet.... and then they turned the trope on its head and made the romantic hero kind of the bad guy... the contemporary “Good Guy” who is no good guy. And the bad guy, Bellamy, into the one who is actually trustworthy.

A lot of people have said that the writers had no clue what they were doing and just stumbled onto that Bellamy hero/Finn jerk dynamic, but that does not fit with the pilot episode, in which Finn’s first act was to flirt inappropriately and lead to two deaths. This is NOT a sign that he was meant to be The Good Guy of the story. And I was a straight up Flarke shipper for the first 4-5 episodes, even after learning about Raven. And the writers straight up SAID that Finn was written not as a sweet romantic hero, but as a “Good Guy” who was actually not good. A BAD love interest. A harmful one.

This show takes the romantic tropes and it turns them on their head. ON PURPOSE. Their basic premise is, “you think? think again.” You think Lincoln is a monster? Think again. You think Lxa is helpless? Think again. You think Clarke is a princess? Think Again. You think Bellamy is a villain? Think again. You think Finn is the romantic hero? LOL no. Meet Raven.

It’s close to the entire show which presents itself at first as a YA soap opera in the apocalypse, look at all our lovely love interests, who will fall in love with whom? and then by Earth Kills, you’re like, no. Think. Again.

#the 100 #romantic tropes #ships ahoy

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donnnoir · 5 years

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Dallas, TX June 30, 2019

Well Friend’s, although currently I suspect there are no readers of my crude blog. Other than those that may have an interest from the Shadow Government’s perspective. They always keep tabs and monitor my actions and interactions at large or singular. An annoying fact of Life as me. So hopefully at some point and time in the future an interested party will have numerous pages to sort through. I am trying to get all my material under one or two roofs / forums which can and are accessible to everyone. At least that is my hope and the intention of all this. Granted it also allows me an outlet to vent some of my frustrations and the various events, occurrences and histories with this and more that I have Lived and experienced throughout my Life. Now in such a spirit I am posting a electronic log entries after I arrived back in Austin TX, following the events I experienced in Southern California. Which events culminated in my being shot twice in my left leg and subsequently ran over by an F-350 dually pick-up, running me over from toes to my head being dragged under the dual tires on the driver’s side of the vehicle. Needless to say it was an interesting evening. I was run over on East Anaheim St. about one hundred feet from the intersection with North Henry Ford Ave., on the south bound side of East Anaheim heading back toward Long Beach, I believe the location is still in Wilmington. With the location of my being shot some distance from there and that being approximately 325 North Lecouvreur Ave., Wilmington. These events happened on or around the 5th of March 2018. I was transported to St Mary’s Hospital at 1050 Linden Ave. Long Beach, CA..

The following are a series of electronic entries to an ad hoc journal at the time. I Post this ad hoc journal in its raw form, the only editing being for the most part that of correcting some of the major spelling mistakes. Hopefully I have retained the jagged nature of my mind set at the time. I freely admit that upon my return from California for the first time in my life I was showing signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I still have on occasions bouts associated to this PTSD. I trust as coming events unfold and I have New Obstacles and Challenges to focus my attention and thereby forestall the elements of the Disorder. Thus I Post this warts and all. Without regard to its chronological or content of order. Because of this I will no doubt be covering much of the data, information and stories at a later Posting. I will also be Posting the images of my hand written journal, as the loose leaf entries that I have adopted as my handwritten format. Since every log or journal I have started has been stolen repeatedly. So I now write on whatever loose leaf papers I have before me in the moment. I hope to Post those as packaged folders Postings in their chronological order. There is a degree of overlapping entries between this Posting and those of my handwritten entries. Bear that in mind should you actually elect to read all of these. Most of the entries some date and location headers. I hope that in doing this that no seeming contradictions arise, especially since I am the source. I welcome any inquires from any reader of my material. Thus I submit the following:

Welcome, seems it has come to this. I am going to attempt to compose my thoughts and histories via electronic medium. My reservations must give way to practical realities. Not to mention the fact that each and every one of my previous logs / journals has been stolen from me. A immensely annoying recurring theme.

Thus I am going to try and make a virtual journal. Presumably I will augment this with the additional paper journal. Which will then be uploaded into a file of images. The hope being the combination will effectively accomplish the task. Towit that of providing a record of my life including events in the extreme. Additionally I wish to leave behind in some convoluted fashion my diverse understanding of things. By far I would consider the latter to be a far greater contribution to the brain wealth of humanity. I would like to think that should any of this writing come to light. It does so some time in the future . When the more fantastic elements can be seen in historical context. Such that what would otherwise be seen as speculative ventures into science fiction writing, will be known as simply fact. Because believe me when I say I truly wish and hope to be / will be wrong, regarding that which is to come. For a change!

Sigh… I must take a break, now. Necessity requires I consider many issues, not the least of which is where to start, and how best to proceed. Besides the fact I have not developed the requisite manual dexterity to type with my thumbs.

Monday July 2, 2018 … Killeen Texas

Sigh… damnit all to hell! I am having one of those rare days when I feel anxious, overwhelmed to the point of feeling trapped. I do not know if it is possibly PTSD related. I suppose I have to accept that as a issue with in me from now till the day I die. Regrettable not to mention humiliating for me. Granted, I suspect that the the cannabis Jade bought had a little something extra in it. So she could anesthesias more effectively giving her a reprieve from the increased infra-sound, ultrasound, microwave along with the entirety of the electromagnetic emissions I am at present enduring. I am concerned for her and her son Joey's well being. Despite her being one of the girls / operatives / victims of our government’s illegal covert initiatives know as MK Ultra. She is a bundle of contradictory issues and personalities. Your typical Golem. Her biological father is Warren Causey. He was George Bush Sr. right hand even prior to Sr becoming head of the Central Intelligence Agency. Causey was Sr's go to man for wet works and deep black bag operations. Especially if the back side had a tail which could be exploited for control of any or all parties involved. Causey is a true satanist and worse. He recently developed a rapid onset of Alzheimer’s. Not quite as sever as my own father and name sake Donald Paul Williams. But the timing of both though separate is suggestively coincidentally to events associated to me and those involved in FOXing me. I suspect brother Magnus of being petty. Grinding and hammering on old grudges. Along with becomingly increasingly punitive in operational objectives concerning breaking me to the point of my “losing” it. At which point and time my only anticipated options would be to appeal to their overview and / or full capitulation to their agendas. Thus far I have successfully thwarted their attempts. Yet it has come at an immense cost to me, across the board. Okay in anticipation that I may never acquire the journal I started last year upon my departure from Long Beach, California. A long walk beginning by The Queen Mary and which ultimately landed me in Salt Lake City, Utah. It is becoming increasingly incumbent that I reiterate elements I previously wrote down back then. You would think it would be a simple straightforward process. Naturally such is not the case, for a variety of reasons. Not the least of which are context and my desire to avoid sounding narcissistic, or worse disillusion. Yet failing to do so will ultimately end in me portraying myself as such, even more so. Besides I really hate repeating myself, sorta a pet peeve of mine.

To the uninitiated this is going to sound ludicrous and insane. However, any comprehensive primer would require volumes of esoteric information, along with accompanying commentary and should include appropriate citations. All from tomes that are closely guarded. That I am denied access to permanently and utterly. Thus it is best to proceed directly into the matter wading through the initial convolution, realizing by degrees it will work out becoming about as clear as mudd. The luciferains according to their Canon refer to me as “The Dark One”. It is an appellation pulled directly from their actual scripture as initially iterated to Cain from lucifer, himself.

Obviously atheist may take exception to these concepts, especially the language used. There is not much I can say in response to their misgivings. Because their beliefs lack the framework from which to attach this model. Hell most individuals beliefs also in like fashion lack similar mental framework. Yet most have allowances or the tools where with the modular architecture of their minds are able to “build out” an additional wing to the mansion in their minds which houses their understanding of “reality”. At the very least they can entertain the blueprints to an “add-on” to their mansions. Similar to the operations of our minds “cognitive consistency”. Dr Richard Alan Miller is fond of noting “I would never have seen it if I hadn’t believed it”. Or by extended reference the belief that if you have enough information to postulate a coherent question, you already have enough to know the answer. You just have to convince yourself of it. The implications are profound. Stretching into metaphysics and the issues of faith preceding the miracle(s), and even magick! All topics I have and will continue to touch upon in my ramblings. But I go too far afield of my primary focus. Simply, I am The Dark One. This is both metaphoric and literal. For the few people whose sight allows them to to clearly see into the underlying spiritual realm of our world. Because all things that “are” where first created in spirit. Elsewise they would not exist or remain lifeless sterile elemental at best. There are also at worst case possibilities, but we will forego any such dialogue for the moment. Everything we see and interact with has a corresponding spiritual aspect providing impetus to the whole. Usually the spiritual aspect even resembles the physical expression, although at times the proportions differ. A fact that I know I will touch upon in other areas as topically necessitated. Nonetheless if one was to see our spirits they much resemble the physical form of our bodies, though a bit taller (note this is a foreshadowing hint, to a vastly different topic I Will Be Addressing. At times I may interject future foreshadowing hints, though sans the extensive explanations). Depending on the scope of vision applied a person may / can see many other things. For my current model I am going to stick to issues of direct correlation to what we perceive as the physical world.

Okay, yes I do know I tend to take a long round about, seemingly loquacious manner, almost tediously so in my explanations. This is due to the fact that words are nebulous, our ability to effectively communicate was fractured becoming compromised long ago. As a consequence, for clarity's sake I find this too wordy manner necessary to minimize confusion later in the discussion. By degrees we lose our way, or perpetuate our lost condition. Therefore it is by incremental degrees I am trying to more properly realign the various skewed beliefs we all hold. It is simple geometry, trigonometry or if you prefer vector math. If your initial bearing line is off by a few degrees, as you proceed further down its vector, or direction of travel where you end up will be considerably different than you meant to be. I wish to be aptly clear as to this fact early in my shared discourses.

Back to the proximate relationship of the spirit to our physical nature / condition. Also know that our spirits are gender specific. The entirety of humanity in this expressed Creation, the sons and daughters of Adam and Eve. Have migrated to this plane and place from Our Heavenly Home. That being a higher plane of existence, a organized realm of Love and Light. We, being all of us from Adam, Lilithe, and Eve till the last child of Eve is born, we are they that kept our first estate. Thereby earning both our right and place to be born here in this that by our common assent / consent / agreement we agreed would be real, thus we call it reality, simple. Wherefore, this being real by our mutual assent, means by extension that our actions here shall have real consequence to our station thereby effecting our progression. Those within Our Divine Family that rebelled and failing to reconcile back into the Family are denied participation in the progression of this estate and the subsequent assignments as to which paths we are to be assigned to in our individual journeys to progress back home. Meaning, i.e. lucifer and the one third that fell (more properly “that were cast down”) with him. At times I will refer to lucifer as lucy or louie a small affectation I have over the years grown fond of as pet names for he who would seek dominion through his lies. Know that for my part I have always viewed our existence as an ongoing extension of the war in Heaven. Even as a toddler this was simply the nature of the world, in both a literal and metaphoric sense. Lucy is playing an end game gambit. As to our day to day offenses he for the most part cares little, seldom choosing to involve himself. As I try to tell people; we can do bad all on our own, we don’t need the devil or louie's help. Matter of fact regrettably this particular Creation is an aberration. Most Creation’s do not have a Lucifer, who refuses to repent and reconcile, and worse yet becomes Satanish. In so doing thereby becomes completely nonredeemable. Fit only to be cast out beyond the dark realms / dimensions. So far that not even a god could ever hope to make it back to Our Heavenly Home. Heady fanciful stuff, with a touch of discordance due to conflicting superlatives, I already know. From the presumed position of our understanding as a whole it is the best I can do with our shared mythos. The presumed contradictions fade as our understanding increases. Please accept I know little, next to nothing. What little I may grasp, has been fought hard to obtain over a tumultuous lifetime.

One of the hopeful eventualities concerning our collective situation in this Creation which I try to communicate to those that appear to show potential for understanding the following idea. Is that, Once we “eventually” progress through this Creation. As our then on going progression continues through multiple future Creations we will in all probability never encounter another such circumstance / Creation wherein any of those will again be with the added burden of a Satan / Lucifer persona to add complications to our individual, group, and familial progress. Who would threaten to usurp Creation from G-d and all of us. We can do bad all on our own. We really don’t require an objective excuse or archetype on which to pin our failings. If you are acquainted with the Book of Revelations, in its pages are the clues to understanding Lucy’s actual focus / agenda for our Creation. For we are eternal beings, Children of Divine Parentage. We live through infinite eternities, progressing and striving to Perfect Ourselves unto the Image of Our Heavenly Mother and Father. Now I sound like a some traveling revivalist preacher. Might as roll out the tent and tambourines, hahaha.

Wednesday July 4, 2018 – Killeen, Texas

Well happy 4th of July, U S of fucking A. Not to be cynical, but here we are celebrating another Independence Day in the Land of the Free. The irony is inescapable. Sadly too many individuals become distracted and lost in the perpetually shifting landscape of dysinformation. Yes the horrors these people revile against are very real and indefensible. Except in the losing of perspective, failing to see that these innumerable struggles are purposely being generated to engage the population to distraction. Usually these horrid distractions are set cross ways of social and cultural lines. This formulaic tactic is meant to ferment hostilities, hate and conflicts across the associated strata. This has been repeated throughout history to create wars, fracture our social structure, warp our values, and indoctrinate the population en mass with beliefs such as to reshape our view of reality shackling all of us to a diminished image and sense of self along with the entire human race. Once we accept this warped view as the archetypal potentiality of us all. We are guaranteed to sell ourselves and our brethren into slavery. In due course I will be discussing at length the geopolitical history within the framework of our limited knowledge of what we recorded since the flood. Rather what we have been permitted to know of said records. The fact that much as been redacted from the common brain trust passed on to us via academia. Those alabaster halls occupied by self appointed guardians of the approved versions of knowledge and information released to us vulgar unfortunate masses. So burdened, I shall pass this Holiday celebrating the antithesis of its traditions.

Continuing in the same vain as previously began prior to the day’s celebrations, in much the similarly convoluted fashion as before… I, The Dark One of Occultic Lore. I have been told; that I have done things no one in the history of the world has ever done previously. Personally I can only cite one quality as being demonstrative of such high praise. Though in all honesty I am more often than not being chastised for lacking focus, being lazy, acting the fool in the face of my enemies, or being cavalier in my affections, or placing myself at undue risk of life and limb, and the list goes on and on ad nauseaium. This from the select few who know and understand who and what I am. Those who may actually care about me, and would see me fulfill that which I have been foreordained to do whilst sojourning here. The totality of our circumstance here, now at this moment, we soon shall enter perhaps the most critical and precarious point of our history and that of this Creation. I am all too well aware of this along with that which shall soon come to pass shortly. This awareness, I experience across multiple vectors while being cognizant of a sea of permeations which ultimately stream toward a specific Crux in Our Familial Aggregation (I am trying to develop appropriate nomenclature – wherein I avoid certain more readily common labels or descriptors and/or appellations. Whose usage has been subverted into the double speak practiced by the various satanic and blood occultic families which run the world. Who have ritually (via trauma) conditioned and indoctrinated their acolytes, golems / victims to hear and respond to accordingly, never in a positive manner. Wherefore it is incumbent upon me whenever possible to avoid affirming these, even to the point of reinventing the ascribed nomenclature.) within this Creation. As a consequence I must stumble through idiomatic constructs, ungainly though they be. Believe me if you knew and understood the actualities ascribed to words and the double or multiple meanings applied to them within the Families. The evils, the pain, the denigration of the individuals / victims usually by those nearest them; ultimately by extension it eventually infects and corrupts societies unto the world at large. You would weep an endless river of tears unto filling the seas, if you could see this in your minds eye properly. As long as this perniciously malicious spiritual / familial / multi-generational / social / cultural pathogenic practice continues, our struggles will end in naught. Hence into this morass I must seek to keep my appointed task. How best to explain this? I have spent the majority of my life in the haze of denial. Avoiding my differences. Putting off my preparations for that which is to come.

Since approximately twenty four plus months prior to Operation Jade Helm our covert Intelligence apparati, including elements of the ruling shadow government began a concerted effort at Foxing me. The on set of Operation Jade Helm and its scope marked an exponential increase in expanded efforts against me. Now, let me make clear Operation Jade Helm’s purpose was not solely to target me, there where many targets across the greater portion of the United States of America. Death dealers and various squads of assassins executed / murdered an increasing number of American Citizens, most had been identified for some time to be exterminated. Impunity seems to have become the operational by word. The extremes demonstrated continuously since that time defy all reason. Defining the architects of this action as being criminals is almost quaint. This level of criminal insanity goes beyond the point of being treasonous. With the majority of resource allocation comes from “military Intelligence” which then utilizes other military resources and supplies. Thus it is that we have been duped into financing our own demise.

For purposes pursuant to their agendas, they have labeled me a domestic terrorist. Thereby presumably justifying illegal exercises and persecution of my person. Rationalizing by extension similar acts against my family and anyone I may care about and or Love. Death for them would be preferable to the horrors their personages have been and are being subjected. I know I sound ludicrously paranoid with delusions of grandeur in the extreme. Hahaha…. gosh how I wish, hope and pray such were the case. I make this record in defense of myself and my actions. Naturally I fear all my good intentions with their accompanying actions are for naught. I realize that upon my death as allotted to the sons of man, as to the first part, my character will be maligned in the worst manner possible. A issue I will address at length later in this on going exposition of myself and my misadventures as they may be.

Thursday July 5, 2018. Killeen Texas

Despite my misgivings it seems I survived all the pops and bangs of our nosiest of American Holidays. A joyous circumstance to be certain. From now till my last day of my allotted life as unto the children of men, my life hangs in the balance. The ante to live my life as it were.

My current accommodation over the past almost six weeks has been with an old flame and friend Jade Causey – Chamlee, and her 18 year old son Joey, whose given name was Freddie. Bless their souls for extending to my worn out arse a place to stay and recover. Regrettably my physical recovery is taking much longer than I anticipated. I am fully aware my expectations regarding the time necessary for a complete recovery was / were unreasonable. But I need to set the bar high to keep from being complacent. Now had my situation been inclusive of adequate financial resources I would be at least relatively close to my timetable. I would have had access to better medical, dietary, living and therapies. Hell my injuries would have been properly tended to at the hospital in my initial admittance. Instead I continued to be the object of curiosity and experimentation. With little consideration to trying to give me appropriate medical care. I have come to know what to expect, due largely to my younger brother's general attitude. Wherein he rationalizing what him and others do to me, as simply a matter of effect associated to the who and what I am. It is rationalized that if I, Donn am this special chosen person than he/I should be able to survive everything, whatever it may be. Because if he/I don’t than obviously he/I am not that special and thus not protected from on High. Horrific logic used to rationalizing a growing list of atrocities committed against my person. A ugly fact of my reality, one I anticipated. What issues make this whole fucked up process unacceptable, malicious, acutely painful and unforgivingly egress is the manner by which they have targeted and used others. Especially my younger brother, father, son, Tiffany, Revaka, Heather, Angie and numerous others. They have been tortured, abused and treated as disposable commodities. All are scared and precious, some are very unique with abilities reaching into arenas not generally accepted or understood in today’s world view. Yet these individuals are denigrated, abused in some of the most deviantly sordid manners. Most are ultimately destroyed, first robbing them of their minds, bodies and in some final insult of their very souls. As it appears that they are being harvested for physical vehicles to have demons placed in their bodies. Yeah, I suppose I could say it in some sort of more politically correct parlance as “aliens” from a lower resonating dimensional reality / realm. Somehow I find that by doing so it fails to communicate the malicious evil inherent in the process. I find the old nomenclature to communicate the Truer meaning. Though some eras of our past carry their own obvious failings magnified exponentially by ignorance while fueled by misguided zealotry. They were not called the Dark Ages for nothing. Similarly different cultures, societies, periods, places and times have fallen to various abysses of Darkness. We have this false mental image of life on Our Earth proceeding in some linar fashion from primitive man (including Adam, for those of a theological inclination) struggling out of caves. Fighting against their own primitive brain / mind which was trapped in a diminished brain pan capacity from questing for fire against ignorance and superstitions. With us being the cumulative beneficiaries of this on going process. Peoples of those ancient times could not have been as intelligent as those today. Therefore they could not have grasped the concepts we do. Some of the most ridiculous fallacies of logic ever presumed to rationalizing and justify conduct or beliefs. Matter of fact the inverse is actually True. But what the fuck could I possibly know!

Sadly my frustrations are rearing their collective heads as it were in my writing. I wish I had been more diligent in securing my journal I started last year upon my departure from Long Beach towards Utah. I was more focused recording relavent issues in a contemporaneous fashion. Not to mention a considerable investment in explanations dealing with a variety of associated topics. Grrrrr… all I did then was walk and write. I may soon be in a recurrence of such, shortly. I can no longer abide where I am. All the more so under these conditions. Deep in my mind I am aware of happenings which require my attention. Not to mention my friend’s household is not psychologically conducive to my state of being. At least not in a healthy way, good intentions not with standing. My largest obstacle to my leaving believe it or not, is my need for acceptable footwear. Flip-flops aren’t going to cut it. Hell they are wholly inadequate to even walk just up the street a block or two. I must admit the sidewalks and streets of California were well suited for walking.

Monday July 9, 2018. – Killeen, Texas

As Pooh would be apt to say, “Oh bother”. I feel for the most part Tigger. Bouncing all about spinning, twisting, flipping… as well on my head as my tail. I am most acutely wanting to find my focus once again. My communication skills seem heavily compromised. Not that I was ever able to write as effectively as the great Nobel Laureates. Generally speaking I could at least maintain some linear cohesion in my writing. Physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally I am shaken. Much as if my being was trapped in the tremors of advance Parkinson’s. In similar fashion my expressed thoughts and experiences lack focus, my abilities at lucidly articulating my larger life occurrences is choppy at best. Failure is NOT an option! No matter how I feel or how events are or may effect me, I must regain my composure and find my center. While reacquiring my skills of teaching and sharing what I have learned. Please excuse me if I don’t edit the foregoing entries. As convoluted and murky as they may be, their relevance contemporaneously can not be diminished. Hopefully they will in due course provide a benchmark to juxtaposition future writings and notes thereby effecting a glimpse into my state of being at the time of writing. Grrrrr…….

They have done a very good job of isolating me. All the more so, as I try to come to terms with the potential cost to those I would seek commerce with across all levels of our socioeconomic strata. If what I endured while being the object of a Foxing protocol by our shadow government’s covert intelligence community are any indication. Anyone who associates with me, either at mine or their initiation is subject to become targeted for retribution as punishment to me. Too high a cost to blindly impart with out consideration to finding possible means of mitigation. Or at the very least terms whereby I am ultra selective with whom I interact. Along with the rationale for said interactions. Soon enough our social dependency will require I abandon all such pretext or attempts at shielding anyone from consequence. I fear that time shall be upon us/me far too soon. Perhaps I am again being exceedingly naive. My efforts are most probably for naught. An on the at large canvas of the bigger picture my presumption at damage control will only result in a larger area and impact of effect upon our society as a whole. Not that I am some savior or prophet, far from it actually. In the grander scale of things, I might best be referred to as a “wild card”. Meaning that in any analysis of the interaction of variables, one may with a degree of certainty predict the outcome of any issue, contest, conflict even war. However should certain individuals or a very small dynamic group of individuals enter the forum. Suddenly the landscape of the matter shifts radically to the point that the original outcome no longer applies or is meaningful. We have numerous examples of such occurrences throughout our histories. Of salient import to us here in America is The Battle of Thermopylae, and the 300 Spartans. We all learned about continents in school. Did you ever notice that Europe and Asia were counted as separate despite being one land mass. The reason is that Western Culture and Asian (Oriental) Cultures being vastly different it was traditionally ascribed to them being two separate continents. We may naively presume to ridicule such a blatant indulgence as arrogance. Yet there are fundamental reasons for this error being valid. We as the heirs of Western Culture, need to understand the mythical / legendary impact of these distinctions upon our mameic memory, especially those of us of the West. From Greece to Rome, then following our Angelo – Dutch (Iberian) roots it is transmitted to us. The importance and permanent impact of the actions and sacrifice of Leonidas and 300 Free Spartans against over a 1,000,000 servile basically slaves to a potentate deemed quasi divine, carved out a legacy of Freedom which stands even today. An Epic “wild card”. There are many others, most are lost to us today. With the occasional exception that survives in our Epics, our Mythologies, our Legends. Most such stories are the blending of factual events with older religious or semi religious traditions. Which aliteration was a common and accepted means of teaching the lessons of both convanents in a factual and metaphoric means. Much the way Jesus Christ taught using parables, allegories composed to have layers of meaning dependent upon the degree of understanding had by the student. So a natural continuation of this is to be inclusive of many historical events, along with the trans literal substitution of the individuals to those of prophecy or the the Divine or Angelic intercession of some ancient history. These depending on circumstance would be iterated and reiterated in verbal traditions to be celebrated in the retelling, usually in association to particular annual festivals. Such as the case with the Saga of the Norse Kings. A subject I hope to have the opportunity to entertain at length later in my writings, scribblings. The vast majority of my ideas, concepts, models and histories can generally be attributed to greater minds than mine. As has been said before, the reason I / we can see so far is that we stand on the shoulders of giants, those that have come before us. Yes I paraphrase taking a degree of liberty. More particularly to hopefully retain its original meaning.

Funny I have been much as I am, the entirety of my life. Before I commence an in-depth sharing of many of the somewhat unique occurrences and events that have brought me to this proposition in time. I wish to clarify and reiterate some postulates. Elsewise a portion of my own records and logs may well be used against me. Principally by interests who would wish to call my lucidity and grasp of reality into question, in the hopes of indicting or coloring my character via my words. No doubt they shall do so nonetheless. I only wish that my original is sufficiently vetted in the sane understanding of reality has to be a defense to my honor and mental facilities. Thus, again – I am No prophet! Nor am I an Alien. Hahaha… Nor am I some savior! As far as religion – I will say as was told to me by what would be termed alien contactees, or more specifically those that I felt and believed we’re genuine. Of the many I personally met back in the 1970s. According to these individuals as to the subject of religion and the Bible when broached to the various aliens these contactees interacted. All the aliens responded that yes the Bible was more or less correct and that it was wholly applicable to us, our Creation, and Our G-d. I know not at all what they say on the popular shows in the media today. Hmmm,…. As to my personal religious beliefs and inclinations, I am Mormon by conversation and have been excommunicated for many more years than I care to mention. By the way my excommunication was due wholly to personal moral matters not issues of doctrine or beliefs of Faith. So if somewhere in my upfront acknowledgements, you find me wanting of naïve. Fine, do or do Not as is in you, or as is your want. I make no apologies, nor seek to compromise in some misguided attempt to achieve an accord or consensus. Rather quite to the contrary, I share, present, seeking dialogue broader than an account of the happenings surrounding my life. Simply because I am appalled by the amount of lies and disinformation being used to indoctrinate the populace. Add to this the lack of corrected and broader views from the dreadfully homogenous perspective droning from damn near every sector. The present modalities disgust me, breaking my heart such that I would to weep day and night for Our collective Family. Yet better spent are my efforts in defense of the Truth and an improved accounting of our histories and circumstances. In pursuit of same I find I must submit my private life and experiences to general scrutiny. The majority of which I have never shared with anyone prior to the last six to eight years. I have desired to live a rather conventional life, for the most part. Realizing that soon enough I will forever be denied the Joy of such.

To this end and the accompanying process I submit some of the earliest memories and events of my life and childhood. One of my earliest, if not the earliest is being in my crib prior to the age of two. My father was working for numerous government and governmental contractors at the time. Naturally I don’t recall those details. Our family had just moved to Southern California. We were living with my mother’s sister somewhere in East Los Angeles. Their home was the typical Spanish Colonial. Anyone familiar with the style and form of such. Know that hallways usually converge into a common room, you cross to the hallway leading to the room you have as your destination. In this pass through common room is where my crib was stationed. Probably the best location for it and me. So the various women could occupy my attention should I become fussy. An many times this common room was an area where the women would congregate as my recollection is. Well across this room was a pantry closet, with selves and full of the sundry items found in such for the time. In the coming and goings of my family and relatives there were numerous occasions that would find me unattended, alone in my crib. It was during one such interlude that the commencement of a reoccurring vision / dream began. I having been left alone to my own devices (parenting back in the day). When the door to the aforementioned pantry slowly opened wide. A beautiful female Golem, her physique had the appearance of red bricks. Yet the contours of her form were singularly female. Rather she had distinct curves with aquiline sculptured features. Most hauntingly she had these striking blue eyes. She never spoke a word, her eyes spoke volumes to my initially shocked mind. As the sounds of returning relatives approached, she gracefully returned from whence she came. On the first couple of occasions I witnessed this I raised a bit of a commotion. I was not yet verbal, and in all honesty I was a late talker. Well the relatives thought I might have seen a rat. So they dutifully opened the pantry to inspection. The pantry was then as it always was, with neither a rat or exquisite Lady Golem. This parade continued off and on for the majority of the our short time residing at my aunt’s house. Usually the Lady Golem had those blue blue eyes, though green and grey versions are among the visits. Each and every time she would come to the side of my crib, moving her head, or tilting (cocking) it just so. Always her eyes full of questions and disbelief. Her eyes seemed to express; You? You are the one sent? Hmmm… You don’t look like much! Look more like a little wet rodent, but who knows?. This was more or less the sentiment expressed in her eyes. Following my first encounters I became accustomed to her visits and would actually miss her on the rare occasions of absence. Needless to say from early childhood I saw the “world” differently than others around me. I also learned to accept this altered perception without fear, understanding its validity within the accepted context of what is “actual” or the “concrete” reality of our existence.

If you may recall back in the haze of school days. During various lectures the teacher's would sometimes use what is commonly referred to as an over head projector. Depending on what was being taught, it was also common practice to layer over lays. These would either complete the image or at times super impose other images as needed. Sometimes even as multiple layers of over laid transparencies. Some of you more contemporaneously educated individuals may never have seen such primitive presentations, having known only power point. For those so blessed what I describe next may be Greek to you. For the dinosaur amongst us most should have some recollection. This model is the closest I can use to illustrate how the world appeared to me growing up as a child. Usually I would see what could best be described as up to two transparencies overlapping the “real world” in general. I could even lift these overlays to get a clearer view of what was being presented before me. At times these would both be at in the foreground of “reality”, other times both would be in the background, while at other times it would be split one in front and one in back. Yet there were numerous other configurations, sometimes completely unrelated to the happenings around me (foreshadowing alert). Gradually this ocular affect of the world began to diminish till it no longer was within my field of vision. By the time I was around sixteen to seventeen years of age this effect was effectively gone. Since then I have experienced this only a handful of times. I usually take a different approach, I will address momentarily. One of the proximate results almost immediately of perceiving my world in this manner is that I usually know the scope and degree that anyone is lying. As an adult it is not quite as prominent as in my childhood. Though there have been exceptions. As a direct consequence my earliest life lesson was in due course the hypocrisy of the adults around me. Everyone would profess such devotion to “the necessity” or importance of always “speaking the Truth”. Yet I would be punished to no end for pointing out the hypocrisy of the fact the adults more often than not lied as suited them. I learned to keep such to myself. Something I still do to this day. I tend to filter or make allowances far too much now as an adult. Invariably leading to greater complications. Besides transparencies certain images or objects would “float” across my field of vision in similar transparency manner. Some of which I could not decipher any context or meaning at the time or since. To begin to place elements of this visual experience I need to explain tangent events of recent.

The advent of the Internet and the information highway is as with most such paradigms, both a blessing and a curse. Dependent largely upon the nature and supposed inclination of man. We are all no doubt familiar with the media platforms of Facebook and YouTube. Like everyone else to some degree I have had occasion to surf around doing research or simply for mindless pleasure. Back prior to Jade Helm, when my Old Lady (though she was substantially younger) Tiffany and I were keeping house in Austin, Texas. I noticed a YouTube video regarding the Apollo 20 mission. Oh by the way according to my histories the Apollo lunar missions went up to 20. I wanted to see what was been discussed along with what twists and turns the disinformation specialist spin their distractions. Which if you can determine it sometimes conclude what they are trying to hide or if their direction of spin is a “z” vector you can sight 180 degrees opposite to determine the landscape they don’t wish you to see. You may consider all this a large investment of mental energies, it is just how my mind works at times automatically. Back to the Apollo 20 video. In the video there was some general discussion of aliens, their nature and origins. During this open dialogue, there was a series of various old clips. I presume were some how removed from the archives of NASA. Many of the older non-defined clips I was quite familiar with the images. Not because I have ever seen them as photos, images, clips or video. At the time I was floored, since previous to that moment I was unacquainted with their context or related meaning. These objects I use to see in the exact same configuration and involved in the exact motions approximately forty years earlier as I was growing up. Matter of fact judging from the age of the imagery I would have to conclude I was witnessing them contemporaneously as a child. Without the context of outer space or NASA I had presumed I was watching some complex interactions of some sort of strange protozoal life from. I even remotely as concerned they had some how become infected to my cornea, so prevalent we’re the objects across my vision. So striking was their imposition upon my sight that more than four decades later their association was immediate and most assuredly certain. One less mystery to worry about. Yet the implications are troubling profoundly. Both of myself and the world at large, considering how maliciously the world's population has been lied to and manipulated. The ends of which are too shocking and horrible to ever discuss. Although in previous conversations at moments of weakness I have divulged a greater portion than may have been prudent.

Wednesday July 11, 2018. – Killeen, Texas

You may right so wish to ascribe or diagnosis me as having a form of delusions inclusive of all types of hysteria, grandeur, psychosis with severe religious obsessions. For what passes for psychiatry today within the public ledger domain, you may be correct. I would offer in defense a extensive lifetime containing a ongoing accounts of a similar or even greater note. Although I am not a Moses, peoples of another time would recognize me as being touched by The All Mighty, as it were. I will at least own any such appellation. Am I some righteous man deserving of beautification unto sainthood, I would argue Not. At best I have tried to be a descent man, who speaks the Truth as much as possible. I am burdened by an additional commitment.

Back in my youth, being around nine years old. I had a singularly profound series of visions / dreams. I repeatedly dreamt my death, accompanied by the various permeations associated to reaching same. The process took several days (nights) between three to five. Being so young I didn’t think to take particular note of the days my dreams were thus occupied. They obviously had a unique feel with a equally sensational intensity, they still abide with me today. I distinctly recall a voice of sorts coming to me following the last night of witnessing this panorama of my life's end (as are the days accorded to the sons of man). Now this voice which came unto me, I presume it was within the precincts of my mind. Not that it would have mattered greatly since I was alone when it came unto me. Nor did I think to ask from whence or whom spoke. I knew and could feel the light of our Divine Home as I heard the intent along with the presumed words. It was a simple dialogue, stating; “this is how it ends, this is what you have come to do. You need not do it. You have the right to choose. However if you are to complete this task. You must choose to do so now.”. Being a precocious and arrogant child, I immediately presumed that if I had been sent to do such, than the obvious was that I was the best candidate to accomplish the prescribed task. Armed with such infallible logic, I whole heartedly accepted my calling understanding it would come at great cost. Now granted, an understanding of the true scope or magnitude or the enormity of the cost or suffering I fully lacked. I have spent my life preparing. I have come to know that even at the prescribed time I will lack of my own what is necessary. I shall present to the task my all, trusting in Our G-d to shore me up to complete that which I would do. Subsequent to acceptance of this appointment I am to keep in the near future, my sight / vision increased. The frequency and quantity began increasing dreams, visions, revelations, transparencies along with my general perceptions increased. I now openly own the fact that I see the world through the eyes of the mystic. Only recently was my sight dampened. A heart breaking topic the occasion of which surrounds losing my Love Tiffany. The subject of which shall also be laid upon the alter for examination by the modern day augers. Find what fault if you will, I care little. Only know that matter and its accompanying are for later. I must at present attempt to continue in this established vain of thought recounting events long past in my short life. Besides the notations contemporaneous to me and my circumstances or any of the other tripe I have need to spew forth. Believe this, if I could accomplish my foreordained task without sharing, discussing or placing ultimately for public review any of this – such would be my desire. Painfully I have had to come to terms with the ugly reality I must prostrate myself to assure I am able to do what needs be done. Onward thru the fog, as it were.

Without going into specifics too much, early on I displayed another aptitude. Sometime around first to second grade. My Dear sweet mother recognized I somehow had a hand in the going ons of the other children that back then composed the group of children who had commenced to being around. Now my mother was blessed with a keen intellect. Which included the wisdom to not over think somethings. Instead wherever possible if there was a direct and simple solution to apply one's efforts to the solution. Thereby allowing life to continue on as meant. Almost elegant in its simplicity, usually quite effective in solving any problem, a quaint provincial version of Occum's Razor. Consequently the solution was simple, as she noted; “son, I don’t know what you are doing. But it is wrong. Apparently you need my help understanding that.”. There after I regularly got my hide tanned. Until sometime around the age of seven plus the realization that just because you could do something; does not mean you should. And that everyone is entitled to make their own choices. Afterwards the occasion necessitating my tanning ceased as a consequence to those particular actions. By no means did I fail to earn other occasions of corporal punishment as befits a young boy trying to find his wings, so to speak.

Growing up making my way through our education system of public schooling. I never cracked a book. Now one should not presume schools and childhood were smooth sailing. Quite to the contrary, in second grade my school in southern California labeled me “retarded”. Lacking a separate facilities or classes you were simply shoved to the back of the class with similarly challenged children. Nor did they have to test the child or give notice to the parents. Following a few weeks at the back of the class I began to demonstrate “odd” behavior. Which my always observant mother was quick to question. She went to the school and raised holy hell. In actuality it was more of a racially motivated issue. My parents being divorced, the school only saw my Hispanic mother. Being profoundly dyslexic, their initial assessment was that I was a Mexican, and you know you can not teach their kind. I was going to a all white school at time. Not to mention kindergarten in Watts. During the riots in 1965. I had to have police escorts to school. While I still have very distinct memories of the entire family sleeping in the living room with all the doors and windows blocked and barricaded against the rioting blacks. A sort of difficult time growing up. Believe me I know what racism is like. I am not going to hold my tin cup up on that lame ass subject. The fact that there are those in this country that hold onto this issues as the reasons for all their troubles. Or that there are groups and individuals who exploit this history for their enrichment. All this does is allows an ever expanding rifts in our society. The age old axiom of divide and conquer. Yet we all seem oblivious to this, instead we rush to our own deaths.

Thursday July 12, 2018,. – Killeen, Texas

Aaagh, fuck, damnit…. I fucking swear. Why do I even try to help anyone. Generally they hold to their own practices of appeasing the least common denominators by which they live. What can I say. As gracious as my hostess and her son may be. I doubt if I can tolerate much more of their dysfunctionality sans any self realization or objectivity. And they wonder about Joey meeting someone (female). I can’t imagine the woman who would find any of this manner or lack of is appealing. I try to maintain perspective because I do recognize the roots of most of the antisocial behavior. Even if it expresses its self differently than one may anticipate. I just don’t have the tolerance I usually do. In my current condition of convalescing from my injuries, makes me subject to the vagaries that define the lives of normal people. Due to the obvious singular quality of my life I have had to come to terms with the fact that I do not process anything in like manner as my peers. An before everyone thinks I am trying to sound all superior or some such, please note that I am continually making stupid mistakes principally due to my own naivety. We all have this aspect wherein we judge our circumstance and that of others from the pigeonhole perspective. Everyone else's view though differing from each other falls within a given area, or a few degrees of each other. Mine falls a extreme distance outside of what could be considered the norm. Nonetheless being very human I continue in the belief I perceive “reality” much as the other person from a similar understanding and values system. Invariably this attitude finds opportunity to smack me in my face by its differences. Each and every time I am recalled that, oh I knew better because I am fully aware of the differences and should have factored accordingly. Even now at this more venerable point in my life I find one of my biggest failings is naive belief in the character of my fellow man. Yet if my assertions as to my last day as are allotted to the sons of man be True. For the greater part I will be doing so for the entirety of Our Familial Aggregation. Even for those who seek only to cause me and those I Love and care about, harm or maliciousness. Because that is the way of things in our Creation. Soon enough the vile evil shall reveal itself, the kid gloves shall come off and life will never be this peaceful again. If it be the will of he who sent me I will seek to balance many scales of injustice. Till then I must endure and prepare as best I can.

Well enough complaining about friends who do their best given the circumstances. I appreciate all they have done on my behalf. Especially since to a large degree they grasp what potentially may be the cost. Even if in some small ways they may have been influenced by the same malicious or “Bees”, that seek to be the cause of my failure. For such is the nature of things in the abyss. Especially considering the length of time I have elected to spend wrapped in the confines of twisting throughout what we commonly refer to as “reality”. I generally feel more comfortable surrounded by its miasma and ickor than anywhere else. As much as it may appear to be a contradiction it ultimately is fact. Sigh!!!

For the time being I guess I will change the temporal focus of my entries. I can seldom stay focused on any particular time frame for an extended period. Doing so usually causes me to shift to the associated memories which become very visceral in nature. Soon it begins to become a tad overwhelming. All the more so once framed in relation to the present context. I sincerely hope that suffices and is remotely coherent. I am usually deconstructing my conceptual models and ideas into a form more acceptable to being understood. Sometimes I become lost in the process to the point I know what I mean despite the fact that the words and or syntax are nonsense. In conversation I sometimes have to stop and ask if what I have postulated or presented in the dialogue makes sense. I know it all made sense and sounded good in my head. Aaah but I can’t always presume to have effectively communicated the same.

Saturday July 14, 2018. – Killeen, Texas

Well here it is the weekend, somewhere in Who-ville are working stiffs cheering at the arrival of the ritual with its time off. It has been interminably long since I have have lived a life so constrained as to include the simple Joy of a defined weekend of days off. Hell I am usually engrossed in my vocation daily. With my ever prevalent purpose always driving me. For the most part I have become unfit to be amongst civil company. Yes I am conversant. I am genial enough when in mixed groups. I tend to empathic of those around me. I genuinely give a damn as to the well being of others. Even so, the inescapable Truth is that the darkness is too imbued into my being. Because of the darkness of my spirit, I have become rolled into the ubiquitous abyss of our “reality”. Though it does not effect me quite the same as others its taint has woven into my fibers. Not being much of a liar I lack the necessary tools to hide it from general view.

Wednesday July 18, 2018 - Killeen, Texas

Well damn, I sometimes really get fucking frustrated. At one level I am perpetually detached from the day to day focus and obsessions of everyone around me. I can’t bring my mind to focus on the general ideological concepts propagated by the geopolitical theater. Which resembles an episode of the moppet show as far as I what it appears. Are the offenses and injuries less or non-existent to my sympathies or moral indignation; not in the least. They still represent injustices and crimes which need to be effectively dealt with and hopefully the scales will balance. Even so, I just can not seem to get all worked up over these slight daily travesties. All the more so since I tend to view all these for what they are within the larger perspectives and plans of globalist / occultic families. Typical divide and conquer, or simple distractions from their primary objectives. I can appreciate everyone’s sentiments and attitudes that the scenarios of what is to come are not perceived as real or likely. Hell even I given enough distance and time begin to feel as though none of it is possibly factual. Except for the fact that I have lived a life associated to these eventualities. Even when I was in the thick of things all those involved would tell me bold faced lies as to what was occurring. As if to make me question the obvious, because the obvious Truth of the matter was outside any social norms. I guess there are those for a convenient lie is preferred to Truth too extreme to accept. I have been at this life, spending the majority of my existence living in the abyss. Which is everywhere, it co-exists with whatever social or cultural conventions occupying our realities of the moment. It is ubiquitous yet invisible to all but those who have had the misfortune to have grown up in its mists, or the uninitiated. Due to my unique occular abilities I am sort of self initiated. It took me a little while to come to understand the meaning of this subset of our world. I have always seemed to rub against this sub culture, even as a child. A odd fact which has taken me many years to come to terms with it. Even then it was a process of educating myself to be able to grasp the entirety of the concepts. Though outrageous beyond belief, it is nonetheless part of a larger pool of knowledge I have fought long and hard to achieve. We are a phenomenal expression of life, even across the multiverse. For all our uniqueness, we are seemingly determined to trivialize who and what we are. More importantly the processes and manner whereby we are to accomplish our purpose “here”. Truly phenomenal!!!

Yet I digress. I am simply getting on my soapbox, whipping the horse, so to speak. Grrrrr…

How best to convey some of the basics back into the discussions and open forums in our sea of opinions. A perplexing problem one that has vexed my soul for almost three decades. I suppose the real source of my reservations has principally revolved around my own reluctance to be centrist to any reintroduction in a general dialogue. Much to my consternation it is plain that to accomplish this and thereby facilitate me being able to keep my appointment in the future, I must find the where with all and means to personally become directly a part of our social dialogues. I can freely admit to my own megalomania. I try not to buy into it myself. I shan’t feed such feelings or Mali-adpted inclinations. What ever a person's tendencies, we fail our own interests in doing so. To the point of it becoming a all consuming psychosis. Our histories are replete with the villains who are consumed by base desires at the cost of all else. Not that such is my fear. Rather I prefer to do what I can from a position far from the limelight. We don’t always get to choose how best to accomplish our goals. My non-object oriented way of thinking I suppose. Aaagh, this is an area I would deeply desire some assistance. Not to mention the realities of presently being impoverished. I had best get used to my condition, I fear I shan’t know any other for some time to come. I guess I need to find the way and means to broadcast my ugly mug on to the internet. I guess I will start some YouTube type of series. I need to really get my act together!

Amazingly as we and our solar-system has traversed the apogee of its elliptical orbit with its sister star. This having occurred back in December 2012. We are now accelerating towards our sister star on the side closest to our Galactic Center. We will soon be re-entering the flows of Magick. They are part of the natural order of things. Think of it as a higher order of physics. We conveniently suppose a posture of superiority over some earlier more organic beliefs or systems of interactions within our realities. Although witchcraft, paganism, shamanism, and various other practices have been collectively maligned for associated practices related to satanistic practices (which Are very evil). In many such cases we have throughen the baby out with the bathwater. I am not trying to condemn nor make excuses, only to ask for a broader open review of these strangely different beliefs and practices. Many times they are simply corrupted versions of our Judaeo-christian thought, beliefs and practices. Sometimes I even find missing pages of our religious histories amongst these. An to borrow a quote; “We are too hasty when we set down our ancestors in the gross for fools for the monstrous inconsistencies (as they seem to us) involved in their creed of witchcraft.” - C. Lamb.

Friday July 19, 2018. – Killeen, Texas

Now as to my disjointed quaint manner of writing, I am recalled of yet another quote from Webster’s, “Prolix, Diffuse. A prolix writer delights in circumlocution, extended detail, and trifling particulars. A diffuse writer is fond of amplifying, and abounds in epithets, figures, illustrations. Diffuseness often arises from an exuberance of imagination; prolixity is generally connected with a want of it.” [1913 Webster]. As to which, my confused manner may be likened, I leave such determination to those who due to some pathological compulsions decide to continue on through the disjointed tediousness of my log. Excuse my quoting, it but appears the best and most eloquent descriptive means external to my own critiques. Wherein Webster provides what I believe is a more accurate description of my loquacious manner and style of communication. Bleck, ugh…

On to more relevant matters. As I continue to play my game of catching up to the current state of affairs in my existence. Jumping back to around August last year, at the time I elected to take my leave of the Long Beach / Wilmington area of the LA Basin. The majority of occurrences I previously wrote down in a contemporaneous log as I walked out of LA ultimately reaching Salt Lake City, Utah. With a brief momentary stay in Las Vegas, Nevada. My mind aches at the memories from that time. Regardless, there may in the retelling be wisdom or beneficial information for myself or others. Sorry if some of this has a choppy feel to it. There are mountains of unresolved emotional context and histories, which continue to elicit extremes within me. I hate sounding apologetic from the get go. Not that any of the vacillating diminishes the importance of the material or what I endured.

In July of last year, my younger brother was arrested and placed in presumably Twin Towers downtown Los Angeles. It was involving drugs and a handgun. I saw him and the P.O.S. , earlier that night. I already knew there were going to be problems. Additionally I had been indirectly informed my situation was about to become difficult. No more niceness regarding my treatment, operational dictums were changed. Initially I was was acutely aware my younger brother was not in police custody. I figured he was being held some where on or around the federal facilities of Terminal Island in the Port of Long Beach. Later parts of my sight of his circumstances were confirmed to me, though the exact location never has been (foreshadowing). Sometime during the second week of his presumed incarceration. He digitally appeared in the system with the appropriate arrest date, and information. To this day I am not convinced of the terms and conditions accompanying this purely “staged” event. No doubt there were days he was in the Twin Towers facility. Anything else is highly suspect at best if not solely manipulated data for the purposes of the Op. Nonetheless, I was sorely put upon. Due to the determinate fact that whatever had previously as well as on going to date are the proximate results of his being “my brother”. I was aware my brother was not my brother. I later would describe the fact as, “my brother was murdered on the mesas of New Mexico 4 (5) years prior”. I freely declared the fact, even with my younger brother present. At the time of his arrest I had invested two years trying to awaken and heal his soul. During this ordeal, he was on goingly conditioned (subject to various satanic trauma assisted by ultra high technologies deployed by our Shadow Government for the purposes of mind control). I can not escape a degree of culpability. Many may seek succor in the belief that I was not responsible, nor the individual inflicting these horrors to my younger brother. I acknowledge the physical reality as being so. However the moral reality is that, We are our Brother's keeper. An for myself it has a immense literal quality. We are all part of Our Larger Familial Aggregation, what we do, say or do not effects all. While in my particular case, he is my younger brother – same Mother and Father. I have known what to expect from the future all my life. I have even attempted to convey this knowledge in abstract to my brothers. Granted I did Not know that in recent times the evil practitioners of these vile satanistic rites had made a huge technical breakthrough. It use to be, if an individual attained adulthood free of these practices or influences, then they would die free of its chains. Obviously a person could freely elect to cultivate any base desires or perverse inclinations. By “choice” being the operative mandate, those chained to the MPD / DID minds of victims of Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA) are forever robbed of any choice in the matter. Not even I can “set” them free or the chains forged in their infancy and childhoods. I can only unlock the gates and offer them the means to heal. The process is long and painful, requiring more years than anyone can live to hopefully heal. Sadly as each victim is considered chattel to the perspective heads of each “family”, who is in turn property of another. Hence there are functionally twelve Satanic Patriarchs seated at the heads of their “family”. Under Satanic Dogma they consider themselves “gods” of their worlds. According to their beliefs you exist as titled property, if not than you are of no consequence thereby you do Not exist. The worth of you and yours is less than the trash sent to the dump.

Sunday July 22, 2018 – Killeen, Texas

Continuing with similar point of fact as discussed, it may all sound or would be considered linear, a straightforward affair. Appearing almost orderly, locked in some strange perverse dance. When it is anything but. Take into consideration the matter of succession. You might be inclined to infer that being Patriarchal, it is a matter of patrialinacal father to son. The reality is far from such Familial Sensibilities. Simply put, upon the death of the head of any household. He, who inherits is the male gains control of his clan by right of arms, or force. Basically if you are not yet feared enough to demand your seat as the heir to the estate. The one who rules does so because he has murdered and killed all the opposition by blood rite according to Antediluvian Law. Meaning you not only kill your opposition, the action is inclusive of all males of immediate consanguinal association. The wholesale murder also removes any potential blood retribution by those who possess an immediate claim to do so. Secondly it demonstrates to clan members at large the vicious response dissent will meet. Terror then substitutes conditioned context within their trauma-based mindset vicariously confirming that male's natural right to head that Family’s Branch of the Larger Familial Group. If you can remotely rationale order from such chaotic slaughter. You more than likely were raised under such paradigms, or your values are perversely twisted and I recommend you seek professional help from any school of thought practicing a highly structured value system, preferably based on some well established benevolent religion. Notice I qualify said using the word benevolent. Cause if you use the most liberal definition to the concepts of religion you could quietly slip satanism or luciferinism in as established religions. The distinctions are sufficient as to invite debate. One I feel is much a waste of time for all parties. Generally I ascribe it principally to a matter of semantics shackled to vastly differing modalities of operations defining values. Our time can be better spent educating ourselves up and out of overly cerebral arguments designed to trap us in artificial concepts posing as reality. A overwrought process favored by Academia in defense of entrenched theories dressed in the ideology we refer to as the “Scientific Model”. Yes, I have great disdain for what passes for education and schools of higher learning. They have long since been co-oped into the problems they were meant to free us from being slaves. I will tuck that soapbox away now, thank you for your indulgence.

What is even more incredible is the fact that this insanity is governed by their own set laws and rules. They even have a court system with defined jurisprudence. Not any sort you or I could consider properly legal. Rather it is more a system to maintain the “status quo” based on traditions, precedence, along with a strange quasi religious tones from Antediluvian Laws. Even known lies are acceptable if left uncontested but those who have standing and recognized Familial context. Elsewise the stated lie will stand as fact, enforceable to the fullest extent to which the system can accommodate.

Now if you followed that loose explanation, allow me to attempt to give an overview of some of the semi-societal interactive relationship between myself and these psychopaths. Especially above the standing rank and file victims constituting the entirety of the Families. I have a singularly unique interactive connection to them, their Families, their politics, traditions, religious dogma, technologies of the Shadow Government, including possible contingencies for what is to come. It is a chaotic and confusing dynamic paradox. Perpetually in a state of change, in recent times there has been much difference of opinion concerning how to acknowledge or interact with me. Technically I am a nonentity, because I exist outside the direct consanguineous relationship, nor am I amenable to joining their point of view. I remain in opposition to them, their practices, beliefs to the extent of being fundamentally adversarial to “them”. It is worth noting I have been at this so long that everyone I know or deal with daily belongs to this subset of our society. Almost all my friends, associates, girlfriends or anyone else comes from some blood occultic families. Some even to what capacity they are able seek to support me in my efforts. I am alive today because some evil bastards simply decided not to do as they were instructed. Knowing full well the consequences for siding with me. Try to understand these individuals have lived corrupt malignant lives, they hate themselves but are forbidden to take their own lives. There is virtual nothing they can do to truly cause those over them to flip out or take offense. Yet they do recognize that my stumbling about is upsetting. Having run around everywhere doing what I do. I have always done so without a net, so to speak. It is a source of boarder line amazement, more particularly they think I am “bat-shit” crazy! Nonetheless I am still here. You may know people who collect body art, fashionably tattoos these days. I sometimes joke of my own collection of scars and injuries to my body. Thankfully I heal exceptionally well. Most of my scars heal to the point of being almost unnoticeable, if you did not know my histories. It is an exhausting hobby, painful too! A frequent refrain I hear while being admitted to the ER or ICU has been, “Mr Williams, you are very lucky to be alive”. “Yeah Doc I hear that allot. Do the best you can.”. It has become somewhat of a ongoing joke, amongst friends and family. These days those groups have become ultra thin. Another reason I make this record of events in my life including improved contemporaneous writings. We can all hope for such. Believe me if it was up to me, no one would know much if anything about me, or my life. I have been, or more correctly I have allowed myself to be forced into a dreadfully unpleasant set of circumstances, as I have whined concerning previously.

Okay Sherman set the way-back machine to the 80’s and 90’ of the last century. Seeing patterns across the country in the minds of crazy ass bitches, now I do Not mean that in a bad way. I have a immense affinity for beautiful crazy ladies. Now as I was saying, the imagery within their minds was too consistent to be coincidence. The language of our sub- conscience is imagery, archetypal, motifs, iconography, mythical, dreams, visions, will of the wisps and whimsy. I believe we all “see” much more of one another than we choose to accept. The largest hurdle to understanding is this compulsion to read or understand what we “see” before the picture is finished assembling in our minds. This tendency has been increasingly pushed into smaller and smaller bits. Which as a negative exponential inverse function has become more and more confusing as to be nigh meaningless with each subsequent reduction. Hence at a time when we should be more connected to everyone. We find increased feelings of isolation and alienation. No matter how much we communicate with our neighbors next door or abroad we have less consensus or feelings of commonality. We sequester these feeling with their accompanying anxieties, less we inadvertently offend anyone. Like what the Fuck! It is part and parcel of the Adult World. Being offended or offending others is how things get done. Usually for the best interests of everyone. Granted we should strive to be engaging to achieve our goals, short of violence or intimidation. Yet as any honest government would gladly concede. Once negotiations by normal means come to an impasse then comes negotiations by “other means”. The debased conduct of sordid persons is best met with our best foot forward, right up their ass! Like most animals, immediacy tends to be the most effective in correcting Mali-adpted conduct. Back to the horse I rode up on, hahaha.

At any rate, over the years I began to solve the underlying issues. I actually came to my own work arounds prior to fully grasping the centralized source or the impact of its implications. Years later I did begin to hear limited bits of information over the internet. Although it did take me a while before I started to correlate the “conspiracy theory” data with what I was “seeing” in women throughout the country. Largely because few had any real coherent information. Eventually, information concerning Project MK Ultra and our government's Psy-Ops programs sufficiently surfaced to flesh out the details. As a child, young teenager I was familiar with the government’s LSD experiments for a variety of reasons, mind control being one aspect. Frankly I can not believe there are people today who do not know or refuse to believe that our government conducted such experimentation on the populace. It was just common knowledge in the circles I travel. If you read the Program Outline for MK Ultra it has an extensive list of lines of “study” information was to be explored, accumulated with a focus of deriving paradigms of control on individuals, groups, countries, cultures, and from that to the world at Large. The Globalist, New World Order, G-7, Trilateral Commission, Illuminati the individuals and their constantly shifting panorama of institutions and foundations are continually sifting beliefs and cultures in an multi-generational game of Three Card Molly. Degree by degree all the world’s various societies and Cultures have been manipulated via global misdirection with large quantities of restructuring of values and beliefs. Till everyone on Earth thinks good is bad; and bad is good. I should think we have all heard these arguments before, usually framed as the delusions of conspiracy theorist. All rather convenient as a means explaining away any descent or even an open fair discussion. Our social structure has drifted far from where we should be. Starting in 2020, everything is going to change and never be this pleasant or nice again. Well at least not till after the Second Coming. Hahaha, despite sounding …...

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malenkamyshka · 5 years

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Takashi Shirogane: I Will Always Love Him

Let me preface this by saying that the final season of Voltron: Legendary Defender left me as disappointed as everyone else. One of the things that was hardest for me to swallow was how this final season handled Shiro’s character. I fully expect to see a lot of Shiro-hate from all sides of the fandom in the wake of this season thanks to the poor writing it gave us as, while virtually all of the main characters were victims of inconsistent characterisation to some extent or another, Shiro took the hardest hit in this respect in my opinion. It’s for this reason that I want to remind everyone why Shiro was such an incredible character in the first place, and perhaps shed some light on what exactly went wrong.

As I discussed with the lovely @patienceyields earlier, Shiro absolutely had the potential to be a boring character. This is something even the showrunners themselves have acknowledged. He fits into the standard stoic, heroic, inspiring leader trope that nearly every action series has. That’s not a particularly interesting character... on the surface. The creators obviously realised that and chose to do something different with Shiro, to really explore everything that the character archetype could be, and in doing so, to give us someone multi-faceted and unique. Despite what viewers might have first expected, Shiro was anything but boring, and instead was a fully-formed person that challenged us to think of heroes in a new way.

What made Takashi Shirogane so amazing was how they took the standard archetype in a completely different direction from the norm, subverting expected tropes every which way you looked. He was strong, not just because that’s what heroes are and because that’s what the genre calls for, but because he was a survivor of unthinkable, unspeakable trauma who came out the other side incredibly kind and fierce in the love and compassion he showed everyone, even those he perhaps should have had cause to be more wary of. No one would blame him for never trusting a Galra again, but Shiro did the exact opposite and trusted Galra allies and, most notably, never loved his closest friend any less because of his heritage. The show, despite being “for kids”, did its best to not ignore that and had him learn to live through his trauma and reclaim his life.

Shiro was vulnerable, so vulnerable, but that never made him weak. Rather, VLD used it to underline how strong he really was. He was loved by the other characters in spite of everything he faced and he could always rely on his friends. He had to learn to let others be there for him- and he did! His relationship with Keith comes in here as the show never shied away from depicting how important it was that he always had the support of his best friend even when the rest of the world turned its back. And he supported Keith in turn. I can’t emphasise how important it is that we had such a meaningful relationship for someone like Shiro displayed onscreen.

Takashi Shirogane is the heroic leader archetype, but he’s also queer, mentally ill, physically disabled, and Asian- the sort of character relegated to the sidelines if they even exist at all in most fiction, but Shiro was front and centre. The fact that he wasn’t straight or was Asian was never used to put him in a stereotyped box. They were just aspects of a three-dimensional person, not what defined the character in the first place. A lot of those traits, though, weren’t just window dressing, but actively informed his characterisation. His chronic degenerative illness, PTSD, and missing limb were all obstacles he faced and overcame and his behaviour reflected the effect this had on him, from how he always respected the choices of others, to how he felt the need prove himself capable.

Shiro had many of the traits we associate with heroes, but he wasn’t at all typical. And that? That’s actually kind of revolutionary. I can’t think of another character, lead or otherwise, like Shiro in media aimed at younger viewers. In fact, I’m hard-pressed to think of a character like him in “grown up” stories. This is why Shiro is so beloved by me and many others.

So what went wrong in season 8?

Long story short, for whatever reason, the writers decided to completely ignore the intricate and well-done characterisation they had spent 7 seasons building up for Shiro. I don’t know how they came to make this decision, but I feel that part of it was likely the amount of plot they had to fit into a short time. However, I feel another, perhaps bigger, part is that a lot of Shiro’s most vulnerable moments have come during his interactions with Keith and that relationship was something that was glaringly lacking this season. We may never know why they decided to not include a relationship that had been the emotional core of the series up until this point, but as Shiro’s most important relationship, it certainly meant a lot less time to really include him.

To throw everything they worked for with Shiro’s characterisation for a cardboard depiction is... honestly really sad and heartbreaking. It’s something I know will take me a long time to get over. In spite of this, I want us as a fandom to remember what an amazing and ground-breaking character Shiro truly was. The final season may have disappointed in what was otherwise a fantastic character arc, but we should never forget just how great Shiro was. I never will. He is a character that had a profound emotional impact on me, and I’ll continue to love him for the rest of my days.

#shiro #takashi shirogane #sheith #voltron #meta #voltron spoilers #voltron season 8 #i just needed to tell the world how much i love and adore shiro and vent about his characterisation in the last season #i'm unapologetic in my love for him

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crusherthedoctor · 6 years

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Crusher’s Sonic Intelligence Tier List 2.0

Last year, I made my own estimations on where the Sonic cast would rank from an intelligence standpoint. For the sake of keeping up to date now that Mania and Forces have been released, I wanted to go back to it for the sake of adding a few characters who weren't featured the first time around. I also wanted to change a few placements on the list in light of the characters’ portrayals in Forces, as well as just having some second thoughts about them in general. Note that this is still a game-centric list, so no characters from SatAM/Archie/etc.

Do you agree with this list? Disagree? Feel free to elaborate on your thoughts either way. :)

GENIUS TIER

Dr. Ivo Robotnik/Dr. Eggman - Most people would argue that Gerald Robotnik should be higher than him, since the doctor himself held his grandfather in high regard in Adventure 2. Thing is, Gerald's long dead, and Ivo himself has made a great number of breakthroughs and achievements SINCE Adventure 2. Regardless of where you stand on the subject, Robotnik is indisputably the greatest living genius in the Sonic universe.

Professor Gerald Robotnik - That said, Gerald was a very gifted man to have created a lifeform like Shadow, as well as other accomplishments like the Artificial Chaos and the Space Colony A.R.K. Especially when you remember that he lived during a time in which the world as a whole was far less advanced.

Miles “Tails” Prower - How many kids do you know who can create different types of highly advanced contraptions and vehicles like it’s nothing? Let alone fake Chaos Emeralds?

VERY HIGH TIER

Wave the Swallow - Her engineering prowess speaks for itself.

Rouge the Bat - Comes with the job. An expert in infiltration and hacking, a master of deception, and an expert treasure hunter. Given how she explained Soleanna’s monarchy system to Shadow at the drop of a hat, that would also indicate she’s well read and has a good memory.

Blaze the Cat - More to do with implication, but she did once ask Tails if he could build a device that scans and analyses plasma and electromagnetic signals, in a tone that implied she knew what she was talking about.

HIGH TIER

Sonic the Hedgehog - Being able to avoid obstacles and fellow citizens with no issue at such insane speeds would imply that Sonic has a sharp mind and thought process. He’s also been shown on numerous occasions to adapt very quickly to unfamiliar situations, and his advice is usually profound in it’s simplicity. He can be pretty sly with his battle strategies as well when he puts his mind to it.

Shadow the Hedgehog - He doesn’t always have it right, but most of the time he’ll figure out what’s going on pretty quickly. Ever since the Black Arms incident, he’s also been wise to villainous trickery.

Erazor Djinn - Played his cards right from start to finish. Didn’t really make any stupid decisions, and made dastardly efficient use of what he had to work with, particularly his complicated relationship with Shahra.

Metal Sonic - Another one born out of implication, but given how he was created to be a match for Sonic in every way, I would assume Metal is just as clever as the real deal. He was pretty sharp in the OVA at least, and he had quite a few strategies to throw at the player in his Mania boss fight, including summoning a bunch of Silver Sonics to distract you with.

Merlina - She managed to keep Sonic distracted from her plan, all the while doing a competent job at portraying herself as a helpless bystander.

Heavy King - He was wily enough to try and steal the Master Emerald specifically when Knuckles wasn't guarding it. And it’s possible that he got Heavy Rider to keep Sonic and Tails busy so that they wouldn't intervene either. Too bad for him that Knuckles walked in at the last moment...

Zavok - He had a simple plan, but it was an effective one. He was also good at rolling with the punches whenever things didn’t go his way, and while Master Zik was the one who actually came up with the idea of turning Sonic into a robot, Zik himself estimated that Zavok would have probably came up with the idea on his own accord sooner or later anyway.

Vector the Crocodile - Despite his occasionally bumbling attitude, he’s still the brains of the Chaotix at the end of the day, and his deduction skills have proven to be accurate most of the time. Note that he suspected early on that the person guiding them in Heroes was Robotnik, and he also suspected early on that someone was pulling the Time Eater’s strings. Both of these predictions turned out to be correct.

AVERAGE TIER

Amy Rose - Can be ditzy at times, but she tends to have a good amount of common sense, and despite the lack of focus on it, her skill with tarot cards would add further evidence to her being far from stupid. She's also skilled in sussing out people's emotions and feelings even when they’re strangers to her, and as of Forces, she's now had experience as a resistance leader. With the latter, she's implied to have been reasonably competent in that occupation.

Knuckles the Echidna - He may be incredibly gullible, but he also knows a lot about ancient history, and like Rouge, he’s a very skilled treasure hunter. He was also the main leader of the resistance in Forces, although it seems Amy did most of the actual field work in that regard.

Espio the Chameleon - Maybe he should be higher, but we haven’t really seen much to know for sure with him...

Black Doom - Doesn't do anything especially idiotic (or at least not when it doesn’t involve the in-game AI, that’s another story...), but he can be oddly naive for someone so powerful and ancient. His dialogue in Sky Troops heavily and hilariously suggests that he doesn't know what lightning is.

E-123 Omega - For a robot who likes to use brute force to solve his problems, he has shown to be aware of the thoughts and feelings of those around him, especially when it comes to Shadow.

Marine the Raccoon - She was able to create a decent ship in spite of her boisterous personality.

Cream the Rabbit - Naturally her youthful innocence makes her a little naive, but she’s still prone to surprising moments of insightfulness, such as when she's explaining the concept of sadness to Emerl.

Big the Cat - Some fans (and Bioware) might think he should be lower, but one of the themes with Big is that he’s simple, NOT dumb. Given how we’ve seen him do things like piloting the Tornado - a plane he was unfamiliar with - without any obvious trouble, he's more on-the-ball than most fans give him credit for.

Silver the Hedgehog - Despite his incredible powers and competence with using said powers, he’s proven to be a bit foolish, and doesn’t often plan things out that well. That said, he seems to have gotten his act together somewhat by the time of Forces.

Infinite - Not a moron, but often too careless for his own good and usually bites off more than he can chew because of it. His use of the Phantom Ruby also tends to be very basic and thuggish, compared to the more elaborate and cunning ways Robotnik makes use of it.

Captain Whisker - Goofy, easily distracted and tricked, yet surprisingly effective at making getaways.

LOW TIER

Jet the Hawk - He probably isn’t that stupid overall, but aside from his legitimate hoverboard skills, his arrogance makes him out to be a bit of a fool more often than not. Usually more bark than bite. (Also, he doesn’t seem to realise that being the fastest on an Extreme Gear doesn’t mean you’re actually faster than the guy known for being the fastest thing alive on foot.)

Sticks the Badger - Some of her conspiracy theories can be correct, but she tends to be very... behind on things otherwise.

Charmy Bee - He has to be somewhat competent to still be working with the Chaotix, but he’s generally an airhead.

VERY LOW TIER

Storm the Albatross - Clueless individual in general. Mostly a yes-man through and through.

G.U.N. Commander - “I'm going to get revenge on the guy metaphorically responsible for killing Maria by joining the organization that actually killed her.”

INCOMPETENT SWINE TIER

Eggman Nega - Doesn't understand that by using time travel to wipe his ancestor out of existence, he would be wiping himself out of existence too.

Mephiles the Dark - Doesn't know what a straight line is.

#Opinion #Sonic the Hedgehog

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isitandwonder · 6 years

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A while ago there was an interview going round with Luca and Armie, published in the German Vogue in January 2017. I finally got hold of a copy and translated it into English.

@foryou-insilence - it’s on it’s way to you!

Just a few remarks:

I’m not a translator, so this is just what I made of it. I tried to give a choice of words when the meaning could have different nuances. If you have any questions, just ask. If anyone has better ideas how to phrase or translate it, pelase, have at it.

I think the interview was conducted in English, then translated into German, and now I translated it back into English. Something might have been lost along the way.

It seems a bit jumpy in topics, so I think it was initially longer or they omitted the questions asked by the interviewer.

They use the informal you (Du) in the German text instead of the more formal address (Sie), indicating a relationship of equals. I also got the feeling that it was done during filming, because they both often use present tense when talking about CMBYN.

If anyone wants a scan just send me a PM and provide an email address.

Completed! [Could also mean 'hyphy']

Director Luca Guadagnino and actor Armie Hammer talk the power of sensuality, ugly beauty and sex in front of the camera

The Italian director Luca Guadagnino is a master of the emotional intimate drama like I Am Love (with Tilda Swinton) and A Bigger Splash (with Ralph Fiennes) which unsettle and enthrall through their intensity. Armie Hammer distinguished himself through his multilayered interpretation of discrete parts/roles, not least his dual role as the Winklevoss-twins in The Social Network. Now, Luca Guadagnino earmarked for him the part of Oliver in his film based on Andrè Aciman's novel Call Me By Your Name (Berlinale 2017), a young American drawn into an amour fou.

For this Vogue talk, both met in the Palazzo Albergoni in Lombardy, a century-old villa, that is, in the movie, inhabited by an American Professor, his Italian wife and their 17-year-old son Elio. Oliver is a guest at their house, and like him, Armie Hammer was transformed by his Italian experience.

AH: We already talked about that the mood of the film is relaxed and at ease. Thanks to you [in the translation, the informal 'you' is used], this is also true beyond the camera. And that even despite the difficult circumstances, the rainy weather, for example.

LG: This happens without me thinking about it. I like having guests. And this film is about someone who is a guest, a visitor. Many aspects of human relationships can't be controlled, but some stuff can be defused/disarmed. Filming is a hectic process/action full of conflict, related to personal discomfiture/unease. Filming A Bigger Splash was all about that. This time I wanted to avoid such tension. But there's always inner tension, that mounts through shooting and is connected to the content of the film. I try to channel the intensity within my staff into the story. Especially the cultural differences between Italian, French and Americans gad to be channeled.

AH: Your movies are always set in Italy, despite their international cast?

LG: It is easier to organize. To tell the truth, I hope this will be the last film for a long time that I shot in Italy. By the way, I wanted to work with you for a long time, and Call Me By Your Name was the right moment to ask you. The international cast wasn't a conscious decision/consideration, it just happened naturally. As a European director I wouldn't cast Americans if it wasn't for the benefit of the story.

AH: I love the filming experience and the life in Crema, where we live. It's the most picturesque little town I can imagine. No one speaks English. That's absolutely new for me as an American, who usually gets through with it [English] everywhere. I immerse myself 24 hours a day into this other world. It's a somewhat analogue experience. My smartphone is usually switched off, mostly because of the time difference. This isolation makes it easier to concentrate on the project. I have the feeling to have ended up in another universe.

LG: Seriously? You don't know this kind of film-making?

AH: Absolutely not. I've never worked with a director with whom i felt clicking from the get go. I just walked into a world where everything is lovable/amiable, the colleagues, you, this villa.

LG: But isn't it always like this? Now you got me interested.

AH: You give me the feeling of being an equal. Here's no hierarchy, the director isn't some kind of god on top [of a mountain] and I, as an actor, stand beneath him, even beneath the author and producer and so on.

LG: So that's how it usually is?

AH: Yes, especially with projects with gigantic budgets made by large studios. With those, you are just an actor who has to fit a casting mold.

LG: As a director, I always feel like a young school child with yet many years before graduating. I still have to learn and research a lot. I don't just want to gain a notion/concept of the fictive characters, but from the actors as well. This stance might spring from films made in the post-war era and exploded in the 1970s. Directors like Scorsese or Coppola blurred the lines between actors, characters and plot. I ask myself how I can do a bigger movie with this attitude/mindset, an action movie for example that I like to do next.

AH: Like French Connection?

LG: Absolutely. As a viewer, one gets completely pulled into the life of the policemen, played by Gene Hackman and Roy Schneider. You sense the risk they and the director have taken. The film is a phenomenal adrenaline rush Something like that is enormously inspiring. I'm not interested in fiction, I hate the artificial, the construed, polished. I want to discover something while filming, I want to, how do you say it...?

AH: You want to be a midwife?

LG: Exactly. I'm a midwife. And my new interpretation of Suspiria will get equally personal as Call Me By Your Name. I always felt that I wanted to do this film again. I want to acknowledge the feelings it evoked in me when I was ten. I hope it will shock the audience.

AH: That is an interesting approach to make a film, to let the audience feel what you once felt.

LG: Just like I hope I can convince the audience with our film that it doesn't matter with whom you fall in love.

AH: That you can fall in love with everyone?

LG: I love the impossible and despise the possible/feasible. When I sense that something impossible is about to become real, I get enthusiastic.

AH: The novel by Andrè Aciman that inspired our film is a challenge as well. It is told from a very special perspective. You are totally in Elio's head. You hear his doubts and see the scenes like he paints them. But the film is more the study of two human being who overcome all conceivable obstacles and fears.

LG: A face can tell a lot about what's going on inside [one's head]. And when you have fantastic actors, they create an emotional world that becomes tangible while watching them.

AH: Usually, I do months of research before I start filming and read everything I can get my fingers on. But the information I need for Oliver can't be drawn from Aciman's novel. Instead, I tried to find out what it meant to grow up during the 70s and 80s. And I tried to acquaint myself with the Jewish identity, which is important for my role. But particularly did I try to understand the atmosphere/mood of the film. My character is curious, sensual/sensible and open for everything that he comes across. It doesn't matter if it's a glass of peach juice, Elio or young Chiara. He moves differently in the world than I do. To understand that was a big part of my preparation.

LG: The film doesn't portray Oliver like Monica Belluci was enacted in Maléna by Guiseppe Tornatore – as a beautiful woman to stare at. That he's a handsome man was but an ironic detail for me. All characters are beautiful, but not because of their outward appearance but because we are allowed to look into their heart and soul. What is important is the emotional journey/process Elio embarks on, and which we can experience through his looks. How does he act on his infatuation/crush? Does he create something deeper/more profound out of it?

AH: I recognized that in the whole movie there isn't one single beauty shot, which is all about the most attractive angle in flattering sunlight, to draw attention to a face. Nonetheless, every angle is gorgeous, in all your films. They are always careful yet cunning/subtle.

LG: I'm interested in sensuality, not beauty. If I hear the word beauty I take up arms. For me, it's about how humans surrender to sensuality. In the end, you can't say no to an erotic challenge. Another impossibility I constantly think about.

AH: Water is a sensual element in this movie.

LG: And I can't even swim. When I set foot into water I drown. I hate the ocean/sea, I hate the heat, I hate the humidity, I hate the people surrounding me, I don't want to present myself naked in front of them. Even Pantelleria [an Italian island] disgusted me during filming A Bigger Splash.

AH: That's kinda funny: we filmed some/huge parts of this film in the water and you hate it!

LG: It's about its meaning in the movie, like the sex scenes. They are meaningless as well if they are not some sort of dialogue between two people.

AH: Believe it or not, I had my first nude/sex scene in Call Me By Your Name!

LG: What? You didn't do this before?

AH: No! But you and the crew just handled it like it wasn't something special, just like every other scene. And as soon as it says 'Cut!' you come up like out of a fog: there's the boom operator, the camera man, just doing their job. I wished I could bottle feelings, the feelings before and after a scene. I would need weeks to understand and explain the difference. Anyway, it doesn't feel like something special/particular for me as well by now.

LG: You did it totally emotionally believable/true. It was fantastic. Actors are in a very fragile place.

AH: We are very exposed, not only because the whole crew is there.

LG: The actor grants the director a huge credit of trust/takes a leap of faith. And then the film is released into an unknown world.

AH: But that's exactly why I became an actor.

LG: And when do you turn into a director?

AH: I certainly will never write my own script. I lack the concentration to devote myself to it for months on end. But I'd madly love to direct. But when I see how effortless and fluent this process is for someone like you, I think I'll never be able to do that.

LG: What does it mean, in your opinion, to be a director? You already worked with the best.

AH: I think it's about to reconcile everyone and always keep track of everything. I have no idea what goes on inside a director, it all happens out of view. And it's so fast that I fear to interfere/impede everything when I ask a question. But there are other directors who work differently, who think out loud prior to every scene, where the camera should be placed.

LG: Do you prefer that?

AH: Of course. No one's so close to the camera as the actor. And if the director walks over and talks to the camera man, I listen closely. I always knew I wanted to work in movies, in whatever job. As a kid I went to the cinema every weekend and watched everything on the bill. I had no idea what a director or producer does, and so actor was the obvious choice.

LG: Directing means to be an outsider. You have to man up for a job that's deep and dark.

AH: Why? What is the reason for this alienation?

LG: Today I thought about what I like. When I grew up, I loved directors who's movies were strong, uncompromising and hard to bear. Those films were inherently unsuccessful but later became legends: Stanley Kubrik, for example, Rainer Werner Fassbinder, Michael Powell, Federico Fellini. I can't make a Hollywood movie under these conditions, you are dead before you get a second chance. Therefore: I like directors who do what they want and address my desires. It is frightening, but I as well always get what I want. I was in love with Ralph Fiennes, his pictures hung in my room. And then he worked with me in A Bigger Splash. It is important to get what you really want. I truly have to own and desire the actors who work on my movies.

AH: Was that the case with me as well?

LG: When I saw The Social Network: yes, the film is brilliant, the script is great, Jesse Eisenberg is a fantastic Mark Zuckerberg – but who the fuck are the Winklevoss twins? There was something in you that I wanted to bring out in front of a camera.

AH: And we did it.

LG: My next goal is to find/expose your dark side. As an actor, are you seduced or a seducer? I always hear that actors are seductive. But as a directorI have to say that they also get seduced and sometimes even betrayed.

AH: Those who are not involved in the process of film-making romaticize the existence of actors. It would be wonderful if I was mobbed with scripts. But the truth is, there are so very few fine directors and great scripts that everybody wants the part as soon as it hits the market. In this fight for the one chance I feel like a prize boxer. Sure, there are colleagues who automatically receive fantastic offers...

LG:... but you don't want that, not really.

AH: True, but you seduced me and it was 100% worth it. Filming with you left a huge impression in my personal and professional life.

LG: It is irrelevant how many films you do a year as an actor. The only important thing is to give an emotional iconic performance. Which you did. That's how film history works. That's how I see it, and I'm a film historian.

AH: You know more about film than anyone else. And that's why you do such nice/lovely movies. But you cast such an interesting/interested glance on many things, on everything, whatever it is. Your reasoning is always cultivated, thought through.

LG: The practical problems in film making are so overwhelming, you have to work with each shot and then with the sum of it.

AH: I worked with directors who decided 'the trees have to stand differently'.

LG: It is crazy. That's how I wanted it when I was 17. You film in a garden that gets arranged to your will. But that's not how it works.

AH: I also know other directors who just let things happen, like midwives.

LG: There we come back to the masters of the craft. They didn't close the door to reality, like Jean Renoir once said.

#armie hammer #luca guadagnino #interview

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woffordswords · 3 years

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A Metroidvania Without Combat: Traversal in Yoku’s Island Express

The “Metroidvania,” a 2-D action-platformer defined by a singe interconnected map whose pathways gradually open up as the player acquires new powers and ability has been a staple video game genre for at least the last 30 years. The genre, although never exactly going away, has enjoyed greater prominence over the last decade as retro-game oriented indie developers have gravitated to the genre over and above some of its contemporaries such the the 2-D brawler or the more traditional platformer. During this same period, many mid-budget 3-D games have gravitate towards a style of map design that, if not exactly akin to metroidvania, certainly resembles it more than game that feature discrete levels or those that feature sprawling open worlds. A game like Arkane Studios’ “Prey” is a good example of what a prominent AAA 3-D metroidvania looks like in this day and age, but looking at the Souls games and their approach to level design also, in my mind, demonstrate the influence of the genre.

Why the metroidvania is so prominent today is an open question. Perhaps it has to with the prominence of open-world games. One of my chief complaints with open world games is that their worlds often serve as little more than highly detailed backdrops for in game setpieces. In the GTA series for instance, you are rarely barred from any parts of the map and can visit those locations early in the game before they factor in to major story scenarios. The larger worlds in open world games often have a distinct and memorable character, whether it’s the urban environments of GTA, Watchdogs, or Spiderman, or the more bucolic settings of games like The Witcher 3, Horizon Zero Dawn, or The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. However, while the world as a whole may be memorable, at a more local level the different parts of the play-space often lack the same kind of memorable character. Environments often feel repetitive, at worst possessing a kind of “copy-pasted” quality. Even games that go beyond this with intricately detailed scenery and distinctly differing biomes, such as the incredibly beautiful Red Dead Redemption 2, ultimately find themselves in a situation where changes in setting have little to no effect on the gameplay itself. There is, of course, a sort of beauty to game design that creates play spaces in which, since the action can happen anywhere, lend themselves to an innumerable amount of possible approaches and strategies. However, this will usually tend to border on indistinguishability. Add to this the fact that many of the open worlds in these games are so big that the player may only pass through certain locations once or twice. These game worlds can often lack the memorable qualities of real, lived environments with focal points that emerge from the ways people move through them. The more the developer loosens their grasp on the players movements and actions, the more the distinctive character of singular locations within a larger world is never able to develop.

Although some open-world games have taken steps to address these issues in ways that I’m not going to get deeply into, Death Stranding is, in my mind, an excellent examples of an open world game that has innovated in the direction of how we know their spaces through deep and meaningful aspects of gameplay (rather than simply through visual design) Metroidvania games, in this context, serve as a response to this problem. Metroidvanias, in there times, were some of the first games that might have been reasonably understood to be open world games in the first place. They connected what, in other games, would have been discrete levels and allowed players to come and go between these spaces at their discretion, assuming that they possessed the necessary abilities. However, because the maps in these games are structured around chokepoints, paths between areas that the player will move through again and again, especially because these games often encourage backtracking, these games often establish a more concrete memory of their specific dimensions because of the limitations in terms of how the player is able to move through it. The player also tends to remember certain areas of the map because there were ways that the couldn’t go.

Furthermore, the introduction of forms of fast travel or of abilities that fundamentally change the way the player moves through these worlds often has a profound significance in metroidvanias for the player who has moved through them and overcome their obstacles so many times before. It’s a bit like being a kid and walking or biking around your home town for years and years and then suddenly getting a car and being able to drive. In open world games, means of rapid transport, usually aerial vehicles unlocked later in the game, end up demonstrating just how trivial the way the player moves through the game world actually is, especially because in many of these games reaching the next waypoint is the only major consideration as the player moves through the world and their is not much in the way of meaningful interaction with the environment required to get there. In other words, metroidvanias strike a kind of balance between big and small, between open and closed, between a focus on the destination and the moment demands of navigating the terrain.

There are likely other reasons that the metroidvania has achieved its contemporary status, but it is without a doubt in my mind that it is both their similarity as well as contrast with open world games that gives them their particular meaning in this moment, which is certainly not what this genre meant to players who enjoyed them in the 90s. However, if metroidvanias have served as a counter to certain dominant trends in the industry which have had a repetitive and stultifying effect on gameplay, Metroidvanias come with their own set of limitations and cliches that challenge the critical potential they possess for the medium in other areas.

Something that almost all metroidvanias share is a proclivity for combat. Going back to Metroid and Castlevania and continuing all the way through the metroidvanias of today, gunplay and close-quarters combat, respectively, have been the raison detre of the genre. Examples of alternatives that don’t feature combat (The Swapper comes to mind) are few and far between. The way metroidvania’s tend to play in terms of their combat is markedly similar across a wide range of games. Some may be faster and more frenetic, some like Salt and Sanctuary may incorporate the methodical pace of the Souls games. Some may emphasize fighting at range while others ask plays to get up close and personal. Some may include fancy combos while others require only simple button presses. However, despite these differences the overall variety of gameplay experience is relatively limited, especially when compared with open world games. In these games there is a much wider range of game types that can be found in an open-world setting – ranging from racing and other sports style games (Burnout Paradise or Steep) to puzzle and exploration, from FPS to third person action, from building and survival (i.e. Minecraft) to a wide range of action and turn-based RPGs – featuring a wide variety of combat systems while many others feature no combat at all. In other words, open world settings have tended to be much more adaptable in terms of the gameplay they support, whereas metroidvania style world design has tended towards winnowing down the variety of what is possible in 2-D.

If we are interested in games that don’t feature traditional combat mechanics both because the industry is saturated by them and because there is something like a moral imperative to find meaning and pleasure in something other than violence and aggression from time to time, metroidvanias have not been particularly fertile ground. Why this is the case is an open question. I believe that combat in these games serves multiple functions, but a major one is to decrease repetiveness. Traditional platformers like mario or sonic that don’t really have combat systems so much as they allow the player to jump on or to avoid enemies haven’t tended to be made in the metroidvania form, in part, it seems to me, because platforming challenged are envisioned as discrete so that once they are surpassed by the player they aren’t something that developers envision players wanting to complete again and again. I can understand this. I’ve played metroidvanias that have environmental obstacles that must be traversed again and again and on multiple passes it can begin to feel like a time waster, rather than a meaningful challenge. Alternatively, combat encounters, which even in the same locations far more open ended and adaptedable than platforming challenges, can be repeated throughout the game and thus provide a consistent means of engagement even when the player is moving through an area that they know well and have visited multiple times before.

Setting aside the point that there is nothing wrong per se with combat being the focus of metroidvania games, if we are interested in expanding the horizons of this style of world-design in games, a style that as I have argued has critical value in relation to other industry trends, we need to look for alternatives. Fortunately, one such alternative can be found in the form of a charming metroidvania that blends platforming-exploration with pinball called “Yoku’s Island Express”.

YIS is a game in which the player controls a small beetle attached to round white ball who arrives on a small tropical island to take over the job of postmaster from a beleaguered Pterodactyl. The games is colorful and charming with a setting reminiscent of Donkey Kong Country and animal NPCs that walk the line between cute and grotesque and give the game a flavor that sets it apart from the more twee sensibilities of nintendo and make it actually closer to something like Rayman Legends (a very good game btw). Why the game’s beetle protagonist is attached to this ball isn’t really explained in any meaningful way although some of the games key art does depict him riding it to the island like a small raft. Intriguingly, the ball functions something like a proverbial ball and chain, severly limiting the mobility of the game’s protagonist, causing him to have to slowly roll the ball up inclines and rendering him unable to jump. While this might seem like the opposite of fun, counterintuitively, by placing these limitations on the players movement the game creates the need for the player to rely on alternative means of traversal to explore the island and overcome what would otherwise be relatively straightforward obstacles for a protagonist who could jump or punch. As may be surmised from what I have been saying above, there are no enemies in YIS and there is no combat to speak of. Instead the two major varieties of goals in the game, traversal and puzzle solving are rolled into (no pun intended) small pinball-esque areas where the player needs to launch themselves at the right angle to hit certain targets, collect items, and escape through the exit into the next area.

The pinball elements of the game can be broken up into two types. Throughout the open world are small, singular patters that the player can use to platform with, launching themselves up to a higher area or down to a level below. Then there are these more contained pinball table like areas that feature the more traditional dual paddle appearance with a gap between them that causes the player to fall into a pit of thorns where they take damage before they can then launch themselves back up into the pinball arena.

As far as actual pinball goes, the “table areas” in YIS are much smaller than real machines and the combinations of targets that the player must hit are far less challenging and complex. Unlike traditional pinball tables which are usually quite difficult, YIS’s more literal pinball segments keep the game’s approachable vibe intact by not punishing the player too harshly for mistakes by making them loose progress and not making the targets too hard to hit. The insight that more traditional pinball gameplay might be blended with more traditional platforming gameplay is an idea that can be traced back at least as far back as Sonic Spinball, but YIS takes this insight further by doing away with any kind of scoring system and making the pinball table more of an obstacle, a way to get from point A to point B, as opposed to foundation for a level or play space in and of itself. The player usually enters the pinball area in YIS from one side, needing to unblock an exit in the other portion of the board to allow themselves to exit it and reach a previously block off portion of the open world. Like with most platformers there are hidden items that can be obtained if the player is more patient and methodical, in this case by trying to hit all the various targets, including those that are not necessary to hit for progression. Once beyond the table area, they are able to open up a path, usually by pushing a bolder out of the way making traversal of the open world more straightforward when backtracking by allowing the player to bypass these pinball table areas on subsequent visits.

This is a rather elegant solution to the problem with metroidvanias that I outlined above: how to keep traversal from becoming tedious when backtracking without relying on combat as a diversion. Once a player has completed a table section, they never need to enter it again unless they are after collectibles that they might have missed earlier in the game. As such, moving around the world because increasingly frictionless for the player as the game goes on, allowing them to revisit areas that previously took them time and effort to access with relative ease. This is characteristic of the game’s approach to exploration overall. While it lacks a fast travel system – something common in open-world games and metroidvania games alike, although usually not unlocked until later in the game in the latter – YIS does have a sort of rail system that encircles the island and allows the player to quickly traverse large sections of the island that they have previously explored while also giving them the opportunity to jump off the rail at many points along the way instead of simply using the rail to get from start to finish of a route. Although this may erode some of the distinctive character that a metroidvania map develops by making you traverse it with only minor variation for the entirety (or at the least majority) of the game – I would acknowledge that I don’t have as clear a grasp on the different areas and how they connect to each other in YIS as I often do after spending an extended amount of time with other metroidvanias – YIS’s approach compensates for another common issue with metroidvanias which is their tendency to make the player feel lost of confused about where to go next. YIS offers a nice balance between ease of traversal and constrained, ability-unlocked pathways to find something like a balance between the strengths of these two prominent modes of map design.

Exploring in YIS is generally frictionless and its quickly apparent to the player where they can go and where the can’t. The game even has an effective map system that is worthy of praise in this regard. Instead of a map that abstractly represents the game world, as in most metroidvanias, YIS allows the player to zoom out and see a larger view of the area they are in as well as to zoom out even further to see the entire world at any time. Areas of the map that they have not yet visited are obscured by white fog making it immediately apparent where the player should try to go. Because the map is not an abstraction, but the actual game world and thus visibly includes NPCs and obstacles, it is also easy for the player to identify which areas where they have been before are worth revisiting. For example, a power-up obtained relatively early in the game allows the player to dive underwater to reach new areas. The player can clearly see which areas of the map contain water from a distance and thus plan their route accordingly. Often in metroidvania maps, the player only has a vague sense of where thing are and the abstract boxes that represent particular rooms aren’t a great aid for players seeking to remember where that one thing that they saw a while ago is. YIS’s map system addresses this issue elegantly.

YIS is a standout in the metroidvania genre because of the way it makes traversal frictionless without becoming mundane and features challenges that can be easily bypassed after they are completed. It combines some of the best aspects of open-world exploration with the more constrained linearity of the metroidvania. Furthermore, it manages to be the rare example of a metroidvania that doesn’t feature combat of any kind, and it is able to achieve this because it’s pinball table segments manage to hit just the right mark of blending meaningful and compelling challenges with an eye towards traversal. Combat and exploration are typically more at odds in the traditional metroidvania with one more or less stopping when the other starts (This isn’t always the cast, good metroidvanias do use their environments effectively as part of combat encounters (I’m thinking of the way that Metroid games incorporate verticality and platforming into its fights), but in many case these aspects of the game are more compartmentalized). YIS shows us that instead of this approach, it’s possible to create a metroidvania where traversal and challenge fit more seamlessly together in a manner more akin to a traditional platformer, but without the problems that straightforward platforming as the focus of a metroidvania brings to this style of world design (particularly in terms of the tedious repetition it engenders).

Whether it is possible for more platforming centric metroidvanias to embrace some of the design decisions adopted by YIS (compartmentalizing challenging areas while offering shortcuts to bypass them in subsequent returns to the area) is one matter. Whether more games will eschew combat as the central mechanic of their game in favor alternative non-traditional platforming gameplay loops that feature some alternative traversal challenge not unlike pinball is another. (An idea comes to mind for a game like this with Angry Birds style slingshot segments that allow the player to bust open a path, collect objects, and progress is just one example of what this might look like; clearly if YIS is anything to go by merging more familiar forms of precision puzzle-ish gameplay with objectives geared towards exploration and traversal is a potentially winning strategy in many other cases.) Either way, YIS is a valuable additional to the genre, not because it distills and refines the metroidvania genre (a game like Hollow Knight comes to mind), but because it experiments and open up the possibility for alternative modes of play that retain the best from the genre.

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ontarioyoga · 3 years

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What Is Vipassana Meditation Experience

New Post has been published on https://www.ontarioyoga.net/what-is-vipassana-meditation-experience/

What Is Vipassana Meditation Experience

The Back Story: How I First Learned Of Vipassana And Why I Put It Off For Years

Years ago our friend Jennie mentioned something about a silent meditation course retreat she’d taken. “It’s called Vipassana…ten days…no speaking…meditation…clear the mind…lots of traffic…it’s loud in the head…then peace.”

Those were among the tempting phrases and hooks I recall.

The term Vipassana means “to see things as they really are.” It’s a meditation method discovered by Gautama Siddhartha over 2,500 years ago.

S.N. Goenka, a Burmese man of Indian descent who one might say reintroduced Vipassana to the world in the 1970s, opened the first centers. Today, there are more than 190 Vipassana centers around the world. His instructions and lessons are played during the course, the structure of which is identical regardless of the location: 10 days of silence, meditation from 4:00 A.M. and 9:00 P.M. with breaks for meals and rest in between.

Audrey and I were both sold on the idea, but I felt I had some physical impediments to overcome, including an inability to properly sit cross-legged. I could not fold my right leg in; I always sat leaning to the right or with my right leg kicked out. Whenever I visited a Buddhist temple during my travels, I was invariably whose feet pointed in transgression at the Buddha, the altar, or the monks.

I never characterized myself as someone with chronic pain. When you have it, chronic pain is something you just learn to live with.

If I waited until I felt “ready” I’d never go.

Yes, this.

It was time.

Wait What Is The Purpose Of A Silent Meditation Retreat And Why Should I Do One

No speaking, no distractions, and a very uncomfortable living situation. Why would anyone do a 10 day meditation course under these conditions? The point of all this is to create an environment that is conducive to introspection and that will test your limits. And don’t worry, you don’t have to sleep on a straw mattress like I did.

A meditation retreat for beginners is the perfect way to kickstart your regular meditation practice. You will have the opportunity to learn a meditation technique in depth and have direct insight on how to overcome common obstacles. In any case, I recommend you get started BEFORE your retreat and start meditating at home.

Can I Take The Vipassana Course With A Spouse Partner Boyfriend Or Girlfriend

The intent of the course is to focus on oneself, so the idea that you are taking the course with someone else or you have “company” becomes irrelevant once the course begins. In fact, it may be distracting.

Ideally, you and your partner set off at the same time and attend different centers and return together with a comparable, yet personal and differentiated experience. And most importantly, a new, shared vocabulary.

What Should You Take Into Account When Choosing A Silent Meditation Retreat

A good resource to find a Vipassana meditation course near you is the dhamma.org website. Keep reading for all my tips for finding good Vipassana meditation retreats:

Don’t overthink it, if you want to do a retreat, you found one that you resonate with, and the timing is right, go for it! It will be hard in any case and will bring you way outside your comfort zone, but you won’t regret it.

I hope you enjoyed reading about my Vipassana review and mindfulness meditation course and I motivated you to do a meditation retreat! Have you done a retreat before? How did you pick it? Share your meditation retreat experience!

You can follow me on and connect with me.

Before you go, don’t forget to get the meditation mini-course!

My Exhausting Meditation Retreat: 10 Days Of Vipassana Silence And Spiders

I went to New Zealand to break my brain and put it back together, without ever having meditated before. I had no idea what I was in for

Last modified on Wed 20 Sep 2017 19.28 BST

I signed up for a Vipassana course in a moment of quiet desperation. I was coming up on close to a year of insomnia. I found myself exhausted by the anxiety of not sleeping, yet unable to find any meaningful rest. For the first time in my life I was having panic attacks. Nightly, they were triggered by the dawning realization that sleep would elude me yet again.

I was also dealing with chronic pain. A bad accident as a kid followed by a series of rib fractures and back injuries over the years generated a state of permanent hurt made worse with the lack of sleep and an excess of cortisol.

I chose this specific course, which took place in New Zealand, because despite the trendiness of meditation classes and apps, Vipassana seemed to be about equanimity, discipline and hard work – right up my alley. I am not the most woo woo of humans, and the idea of a giant drum circle of positive thinkers made me want to run away screaming.

I told my friend I wanted to break my brain and put it back together again

While descended from Buddhism, the modern-day courses are secular in nature. The father of these retreats is the late , who was raised in Myanmar and learned Vipassana from monks there.

She disagreed.

“No, it’s like running a marathon having never run before. Jodi are you doing to yourself?”

Where I Took My Course: The Dhamma Malaya Vipassana Center In Malaysia

I’m going to resist keeping this place a secret, all to myself. I thought the center and its facilities were excellent. I had my own room, for which I was grateful.

Having said all that, the center is not luxurious, nor is it supposed to be. It’s not a spa. It’s basic. Your ten days are to be lived simply.

For me, taking the course in the hot season was great. I could pack very light . Additionally, all that I achieved physically was helped along greatly by the stretching I’d done, which I find becomes much easier in the heat.

So Sober Its Psychedelic My Vipassana Meditation Retreat Experience Dec 30, 2019

I can’t remember the first time I decided I wanted to sit in a room and meditate silently for ten days. I only remember meeting people again and again who I respected and admired who spoke highly of their experiences.

Like any self-development junkie, I was eager to sample all the different strains of self work. Vipassana was attractive to me because it offered the purest base level of the human experience.

No mantras, no words, no coaches, no incantations, no self talk or weird breathing — just you and your breath and your body, silent and still for ten days.

My justification boiled down to “I’m gonna be stuck in a room with myself for the rest of my life, so I might as well see what that’s like without anyone else in it.”

The trouble was finding the time — ten days is a long time in the modern world of scant vacation days and cheap international flights. I had signed up twice in years past only to cancel a few weeks later after other plans arose.

This August, I managed to stick to my reservation during a period of unemployment which coincided with the week of Burning Man, when half my social circles were already offline anyways.

I remember reading their packing list and uneasily noticing all the things I normally packed for trips that weren’t coming this time: sunscreen, fun clothing, Kindle, computer, snacks, toys, the list went on.

Vipassana Meditation : A Candid Review Of What To Expect By Ankita S

What does the 10-days Vipassana Meditation feel like? Here’s a candid experience of what to expect from this profound spiritual retreat.

The secrets of the universe and its working has amazed me since childhood! And somehow, my gut instinct always asked me to get into meditation, though I ignored its whisper. However, I was forced to listen to it once I had some severe health complications. This finally led me to explore the hidden world of Vipassana meditation. And here’s my experience.

I don’t know why I expected some magic to see once I started meditating. Though there were moments of peace, and calm, I was looking for something else, something more maybe! And that led me to explore Vipassana through a retreat.

Do You Have To Stay Silent For 10 Days During A Meditation Retreat

Yes, you can’t speak during a silent meditation retreat, but I felt this was the best part of it! When was the last time you didn’t speak for a full day? If you can’t remember, that’s normal, we are always speaking. Afraid you won’t be able to wait to share your stories and experience during your retreat? There are often regular “office hours” with teachers and a time to share at the end. You’ll also make a LOT of eye contact with other participants.

But silent means also silent from distractions to create space for self-discovery and awareness. So no phones, computers, books, writing… Yes, no Instagram for 10 days.

I had done yoga retreats, and spent tech-free time in nature before, but never to such an extent. There are so many distractions in our everyday lives and it feels so good to have no way of checking in with the outside world. This was the perfect digital detox experience for me and since then, most of my notifications are off and I am more aware of my tech usage.

What Is Vipassana Meditation A Beginners Guide To Getting Started

A lot of people have major misconceptions about what meditation is and how it can be practiced in a way that makes you happy. I’m not talking about sitting on the floor with your legs crossed, chanting “Ommm.” I’m talking about Vipassana meditation which has been practiced for thousands of years in the Buddhist tradition.

The word “Vipassana” literally means “to see things as they truly are.” It’s a form of meditation that involves sitting cross-legged, focusing on your breath, and silencing all other distractions – no technology or reading allowed! Read more to learn about how this practice can change your life.

Ultimately Vipassana Meditation Technique Is About Seeing Reality

To see reality, we practice paccakkha, which means “perceptible to the senses”. In other words, we see things as their sensory experience.

I personally like the explanation given by Henepola Gunaratana. He said that Vipassana is about “Looking into something with clarity and precision, seeing each component as distinct and separate”.

Think about it like this. At any given time, you have different thoughts, sensations, and feelings flowing through your mind. However, most of the time, you are likely too distracted to perceive these thoughts clearly. And so, they go on while you are largely unconscious of them.

Vipassana meditation enables us to see thoughts, sensations, and feelings for what they are, for their sensory experiences. This gives us power over them, so we are less reactive, less emotional, and more in control.

The method is currently in vogue, riding on the back of the mindfulness movement. And that’s a good thing because it is one of the best Buddhist meditations.

Although it is a serious method, beginners can practice vipassana at home.

Are You Allowed To Exercise Or Do Yoga During A Vipassana Course

Simply put, no. We were advised not to do any other form of exercise during the course. I thought this would be difficult for me, as I am used to doing some kind of physical exercise daily. After a few days, I was fine with it. I didn’t have the energy to do anything else but walk to and from my room to the meditation hall to the dining hall. During the breaks, we were allowed to walk around the center grounds, which were actually very beautiful and peaceful. The center that I went to in Triebel, Germany had small areas blocked off where we could wander in the woods and in a small field with a pond. It was nice and refreshing to be out in nature and truly made me realize how much I was missing out on in my daily life by just blocking out all the sensations of sight and sound by wearing headphones on my way to work and other appointments. You just stop noticing everything and block out the noise, replacing it with other noise.

What Is Vipassana Meditation Top 4 Benefits + How To Practice It

February 9, 2020

Health Benefits

When it comes to meditation, there are many ways to do it. What is the Vipassana meditation technique , and how does it differ from other types?

Vipassana means “to see things as they really are.” This practice, described as an “art of living,” dates back at least 2,500 years to ancient India.

Similar to mindfulness meditation, it involves training one’s mind through completion of certain exercises in order to increase awareness of one’s own experiences.

Although this form of meditation has been practiced in the U.S. since the 1960s, in recent years the popularity of Vipassana meditation retreats and courses has skyrocketed. Thousands of people attend Vipassana classes each year in hopes of “seeing the true nature of existence,” better managing stress, and improving their focus, productivity, relationships and health.

How Were Your First And Second Course Different From One Another

Facility comparison

My first time was at Dhamma Bhumi in NSW, Australia which is an official centre and the second time in Markopoulo was a non-centre and so having one meditation room that is used exclusively for Vipassana meditation 365 days a year holds a much more powerful and supportive/ inspiring energy than a centre that is used for other activities/ purposes for most of the year.

Official centres tend to have better facilities too but in Australia, for example, there is a pagoda facility for old students to meditate in, with small individual dark rooms. Because they own the land, more can be invested in the centre and indeed, it often is.

Humble living: you will be living like a monk/ nun— on the charity of others. These ‘free’ retreats are not like your lavish 2000$ vacation retreats, you are here to live humbly, and do the work. Materialism ain’t no thing here, so leave your ego at the door and find deep gratitude for how purely this organization is run.

Food comparison

It was great at both centers, but the Aussie location .

Water comparison

We drank tap water in Australia and it tasted so bad that I could only drink tea to mask the taste. I would fill my glass water bottle with tea and drink that throughout the day hot or cold because the taste of chlorine, etc, made me yelped for joy when they announced it.

New student vs. old student: a few differences between being a new .

Are You Allowed To Write Or Journal During Vipassana Meditation

I was hoping the answer to this question would be yes, but again, it was a no. I’m still not sure why, but I think it’s mainly because you’re supposed to keep all the ideas, thoughts, and emotions in your own head. If you write them down on paper, they escape you, and it prevents you from really confronting anything. This was also difficult for me at the start, as I tend to journal pretty regularly. The adjectives I can remember now off the top of my head are pain, discomfort, progress, bliss, boredom, anger, determination, and calm.

Vipassana Meditation Technique Is All About Cultivating Insight

When you practice Vipassana meditation you are creating insight into true reality. Specifically, insight into anicca , which are the “three marks of existence” in Theravada Buddhism. Also, sunyata, which is “emptiness” in Mahayana Buddhism.

Let me explain the “three marks of existence”:

Dukkha : We all feel Dukkha. It is the idea that life doesn’t give us what we want and that everything is always changing. Because we never experience complete satisfaction, we always feel Dukkha.

Anatta : This is the idea that there is no fixed soul, no fixed sense of self. We are always changing.

Anicca : This is simply the observation that everything is always changing.

What Is Vipassana The Technique The Retreats And The Philosophy

July 21, 2021

Vipassana, or insight meditation as the practice is also known, has enjoyed widespread popularity in recent years, with many people attending the gruelling ten-day courses that are available across the globe.

Like many of the popular techniques of meditation that have found their way to the west, Vipassana is a traditional Buddhist practise that has been taught in India for thousands of years, possibly since the time of Buddha.

The Vipassana technique aims to teach the meditator about the true nature of reality through direct experience of the body, feelings and mind.

Did I Have Any Magical Experiences During My Vipassana Retreat

Before I decided to book my Vipassana, I had read many blogs on it, and people talked about how they healed from backache, migraine in just 10 days.

While I did not expect my health issue to get resolved in just 10 days, I did expect ‘something’, a little magic maybe. And that happened on the third day!

In the afternoon when I was concentrating on my breath, I felt my right hand shaking. It’s easy to distinguish between a shaking due to weakness, and shaking due to something more powerful.

As I saw it, I was scared from the meditation experience. I guess fear was not needed at that moment. Because the moment I was afraid, the experience stopped! I kept feeling magical for the next many minutes.

And I can assure you that it was the latter. I experienced that ‘something more powerful’ in my right hand. When I l opened my eyes to look at what’s happening, it was still shaking, and nothing was not in my control.

When I told my teacher about that experience, she said, ‘Observe it!’

Well, her reply did not make me happy at that time, but now that I see it, that’s what Vipassana is all about. Observing.

Was it easy?? No, it was not!

Along with the few magical moments I had, there were a few painful moments too. Like on the seventh day, I could feel the heat inside my body. My stomach and lung area had some fire as if it would burn me from inside.

Why You Should Practice Vipassana Meditation Technique At Home

Many people make a huge mistake when meditating: They practise at retreats.

You are far better off learning how to do Vipassana meditation technique at home.

Why? Because most of the stimuli that affect you are at home.

Loud voices

If you’re in the city, the constant noise

Vipassana meditation technique teaches us to be less reactive to those stimuli. But to train the mind effectively, we must meditate where those things occur.

Buddha did not isolate himself in a beautiful hall where there were no distractions and no unpleasantness. He sat in the forest, in the village, even around death. Only by exploring his mind in these everyday environments could he liberate himself.

Today we want to be free from the negative aspects of home, work, and, you know, life. If you want to truly liberate your mind, meditate in your everyday life.

Day 0: Arriving At The Center And Meeting My Fellow Meditators

For day 0, participants were told to arrive for check-in between 2pm and 5pm before a dinner would be served at 6pm.

On my way to the meditation center, I met my first co-meditator. To my surprise, he was a completely normal guy – no long beard, no hippie glasses, no sandals, no flower necklace, no peace tattoo.

I was positively surprised and we hit it off right away. He was about my age, a serial entrepreneur, an avid reader, and an overall cool dude.

Even better, he had very little previous experience with meditation and was simply there because a friend had recommended it to him. “Phew,” I thought, “there’s no way this guy is better prepared than I am. What a relief! I won’t be the only one struggling.”

Upon arrival at the center, we were told to fill out some required paperwork and to hand in our smartphones and other non-allowed items. After that, I made my way to the room I got assigned for the next ten days. One of my three roommates was already there as I entered – another down-to-earth, intelligent, and cool dude. One roommate after the other arrived and we had a great chat before heading for the dining hall for our last dinner in ten days.

These first meetings with my co-meditators really quenched my nerves and boosted my optimism for the coming ten days. These were normal people just like me. They had no idea what to expect either. And they were just as excited/anxious as I was.

This Is What Happened After 100 Hours Of Meditation In 10 Days

Imagine, for a moment, being whisked away to a large, nondescript building amongst the rolling hills of the British countryside. Upon arrival, you are stripped of your belongings. No phone, no books, no pen, no paper. You are left with nothing but your clothes and toiletries. Then, for the next 10 days, you wake up at 4:30 a.m. and complete 10 hours of meditation, every day. You’re not allowed to talk to anyone other than your teacher, and there’s no eye contact or bodily contact allowed.

What I’ve just described may sound like a literal hell to some, but for me, it was a welcomed escape from the hyperstimulation of my day-to-day activities. I finally had time to go completely inwards and work on overcoming the cravings and aversions of my mind. Surprisingly, tens of thousands of people across the world, from all walks of life, sign up for these 10-day vipassana meditation courses every year.

The most recent course I attended ran over the New Year’s holiday period, which, for most people, is a time when they reflect on the past year and make “resolutions” for changing their habits or behaviour during the coming year. But I feel that without going inwards, it’s pretty tricky to actually figure out what has been draining your energy and holding you back, making it impossible to know what you really need to change about yourself. This is why I went back to attend my second course. You learn more about yourself every single time.

What Happens During A Vipassana Meditation Retreat:internally

Although the structure of the course is a set structure, what goes on is a whole other story. You are going to have your own experience, but I’ll share a few of mine because from what I hear— many people have similar experiences.

FYI this is where sesame seeds come from .

Crazy ass thoughts: Honestly I brought myself to tears of silent laughter at some of the thoughts that came up while in meditation. Things like where do sesame seeds come from? Or wondering what my arm hair looks like and how weird it is women shave their legs but not their arms. Also why does leg/arm/ eyebrow hair only grow to a certain length but hair on the head grows indefinitely? May times I imagined myself singing along to the chanting in my head and imaging myself perform in a full blown bollywood music video. Like total madness. The key is that when you catch yourself going down one of these rabbit holes, go back to your breath . It’s impossible to completely eradicate your monkey brain, but when you catch yourself don’t continue to indulge, and get back to work.

Understanding The Physical Requirements Of A Vipassana Course

If the thought of sitting cross-legged seems physically daunting and too painful to bear, there’s the possibility of using back rests or even a chair. In other words, your perceived physical limitations should not deter you from taking the course.

And know this: I did it. Sure, I was athletic and ran road races and climbed mountains. But I could barely touch my knees, let alone my toes. And you already know about my fusilli pasta spine.

Despite that, I’m glad I toughed it out on the ground on my meditation cushion, for I’m almost certain I wouldn’t have achieved the results — physical, mental, or emotional — had I done otherwise. During the course, you have 10 days to experiment and plumb the depths of what you can withstand and achieve.

What Is Vipassana Meditation Also Known As Insight Meditation

Before we get into the details of vipassana meditation, some important background about how this practice ties into the story of Headspace: In his early twenties, co-founder Andy Puddicombe left his Sports Science studies and became a Buddhist monk. For over 10 years, he studied meditation in Nepal, India, Burma, Thailand, Australia, and Russia.

After leaving the monastery with a desire to make meditation more mainstream, Andy arrived in London, which is where Headspace was first born, delivering meditations and teachings rooted in both the Burmese and Tibetan Buddhist traditions, while remaining true to the lineage that first inspired the app.

All Headspace meditation techniques incorporate elements of both “Samatha” meditation, though some of the technique names have changed from their original translation to help make them more accessible. The guided meditations in the Headspace app make meditation easy to understand and follow, even if you are completely new to the practice. Additionally, all Headspace meditations and exercises have an altruistic intention at their core, ensuring that both awareness and compassion are being trained at the same time.

You do not need to know and understand the background of Vipassana or Buddhist meditation in order to use the Headspace app to meditate. However, if you are interested in learning more about Vipassana meditation, read on.

Start your free trial

The Benefits of Vipassana aka Insight Meditation

Vipassana Meditation Technique: Everything You Need To Know

In this guide, we will look at how to do Vipassana meditation technique at home. We’ll cover the Vipassana meditation script and its benefits.

As a meditation teacher, I personally use this method for twenty minutes every single day. And it is also one of the main methods I teach in my online meditation lessons. Spiritually speaking, it is a vital method on the pathway to enlightenment.

From my personal experience and my experience teaching this method, I can say that it seriously helps with health and happiness. Because it gives insight into the mind, it helps us control thoughts and feelings.

Many people learn Vipassana meditation at retreats. However, in my experience, it is better to do Vipassana at home. When you practise Vipassana meditation at home you gain insight into your mind in your day-to-day life.

Let me show you how to do Vipassana at home. And you might like to read my awesome guide to Buddhist Meditations.

Vipassana Meditation: An Experience Of The Power Of Silence

Our world is a very noisy place, both externally and internally. Externally, the sounds of various machines, technologies, and gadgets are all around us, such as cars, radios, blenders, TVs, smartphone notifications, and you name it. Internally, our minds are in constant states of chaotic thinking and ruminating that prevent us from experiencing true peace and silence.

Noise does not need to be a negative thing, but it can be when there is no silence to balance it out. So what if we were to step away from some of this noise, if only for a bit? Would we act differently? Think differently? Experience life differently? Would we perhaps allow a deeper clarity into our life? Deeper insight? A deeper knowing?

Moving away from the noise and into more silence, which normally births more mindful thinking and awareness can be highly transformational. In our Western world, we normally think of meditation when we wish to experience such states of being. However, in other cultures periods of silence and mindful awareness are a natural part of each day that help to balance out our mind, body, and spirit.

#5 Start Meditating At Home Before You Go For The Retreat

If you are new to meditation, and you want to start by going to this retreat, you are doomed. It will be very tough, and most probably you will leave the course in between.

Until and unless you haven’t practiced any kind of meditation at home previously, I won’t advise you to go for this intense practice.

Maybe you can start practicing at home 3-6 months prior to registration. This way sitting one hour continuously for a session won’t be tough. Here are to get you started with your home practice.

A Little Reflection Vipassana Meditation: Was It Worth It

In the months and years since I took a ten-day Vipassana Meditation course in Nepal, friends and readers have asked me to share my thoughts, now that I have distance from the experience. I jotted a few sparse notes during the course, and journaled on Day Eleven to chronicle my ten-days in a Vipassana course. Those entries shared the raw thoughts and feelings as I processed each day of meditation and course teachings. During the course, I was deep in the middle of the pain and difficulty. There was little room for reflection.

How to Apply to a Vipassana Course:

An Arachnophobe Walks Into A Vipassana Meditation Course

When I was two, a family member took me to see Raiders of the Lost Ark. I had nightmares about spiders for years, waking up screaming in the middle of the night. My arachnophobia has never waned, and I am ashamed to admit that it has dictated some of my travel plans.

Before the meditation course began I worried about the long days of silence. I did not worry about spiders. This was a mistake. The course was on a bird sanctuary outside Auckland, and I arrived only to find that spiders carpeted the wooden buildings, inside and out.

When you take a Vipassana course, you agree to abide by five precepts: no killing, no stealing, no lying, no sexual misconduct and no intoxicants. No writing, no talking, no eye contact, no communicating.

At the end of day one, I noticed a daddy longlegs struggling on the carpet but heading toward the door. I reached for the course schedule, only to realize I was about to kill something with a document that says you won’t kill anything.

Instead, I took a deep breath, skirted around the creature, and opened my door. I stood there silently cheering its departure from my room.

In the meditation hall, daddy longlegs dropped from the ceiling, feeding my anxiety. Huge black spiders dotted the corner of the room where we picked up our pillows, watching over us as we shuffled into yet another meditation session.

I fantasized about flinging off my pillows and running through the hall, screaming like a banshee

It was progress.

Day 6 To 9 Equanimity And Determination Put To The Test

On the 6th day, I woke up sick. My throat hurt, my head throbbed painfully and my nose was clogged. I had a cold and couldn’t distract myself from it. I had to meditate through it.

The meditations were very hard and paying to my sensations made them seem a worse. I had no trouble feeling sensations every part of my body, but I couldn’t maintain equanimity. My cold bothered me, especially when coughing during the group meditations. I barely managed to stay still for more than about 15 minutes during the “meditations of strong determination”.

I slowly made it through the day, but my condition wasn’t improving. I made it clear to myself that I wasn’t leaving the Vipassana course. Unpleasant sensations were not going to win!

On day 7, I was feeling even worse. Despite this, I was strangely enthusiastic at the idea of meditating through my bad feelings and saw the cold more as a challenge and opportunity than an enemy.

“Okay, I know I have a cold and stuff, but if I’m able to meditate through it without judging it, I’ll be able to go through a lot of other things, so I have to do it!”

“These are only sensations, these are only sensations…”

*Watches sensations, start perceiving them in an objective way*

“YEAH! I’m doing it, %?/* YOU, COLD!”

*Loses peace of mind, sensations become overwhelming*

“Ah, crap. Back to square one!”

When I woke up the next morning, there was absolutely no trace of my cold.

What Is Vipassana Meditation And How Can You Practice It

Affiliate disclosure: Some of the links below are affiliate links, meaning, at no additional cost to you, I will earn a commission if you click through and make a purchase. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

You might have ever heard of meditation. It’s a kind of meditation practice that’s often talked about amongst meditation practitioners and gaining popularity in the world.

More and more people are interested in vipassana meditation and eager to learn and try it out. That’s one of the reasons for its gaining popularity. Nowadays, vipassana retreats are conducted regularly around the world.

What is vipassana meditation? What’s so unique about it?

Those are the questions I get asked a lot.

My first vipassana retreat was back in 2009. Since then, I’ve attended several more. I’m a big fan of it. And, I’ve been practicing daily ever since.

So, in this post, I’ll share with you what I’ve been learning so far to answer those questions as best as I can, what vipassana meditation is, and how you can practice it.

Vipassana is a term often translated as insight or clear-seeing.

It is deeply rooted in the Buddhist tradition.

But, because of its universal essence, its practitioners come from many different spiritual and religious backgrounds. That’s the fact I always found in retreats I attended. A lot of the participants I met are not Buddhist.

You don’t need to be a Buddhist to practice vipassana.

We practice not clinging to and not rejecting any object.

Difference Between Vipassana & Other Forms Of Meditation

The Buddhist Meditation practices are mainly of two forms – and . While Vipassana is based on insight or clear awareness, Samatha includes concentration or mental focus.

Vipassana is insight meditation whereas Samatha is a meditation of tranquility.

The most common types of meditation are based on Samatha. In this form, the meditator will focus on types of meditative objects of meditation such as – images, chants, particular items, prayers, or a candle flame to clear the mind.

To master Vipassana it takes years of practice. The meditator achieves a state in which he is not perturbed by any external influences.

Studies have shown both of these forms help the meditator to quiet their minds and improve their mental capacity. The ultimate goal for all forms of meditation is liberation. It is the stage when the spiritual transformation is complete.

What Is It Like On The Other Side Of A Vipassana Course

The course kicked my ass. Raw feelings bubbled up throughout the intense ten days. I started the course cautious and fearful of what it would be like. Then I had anger and resentment during the middle. By the final day, I swelled with well-being and happiness.

I feel proud that I was able to complete the course. This was one of the hardest obstacles in my life to complete. Growing up I was a dilettante. And while usually that’s one of the cornerstones of being a child—experimenting, learning, and discovering new interests—changing interests so frequently impacted my personal self-views. I have always considered myself a quitter.

Back in the day, I loved synchronized swimming. I even won state and national awards. Then I quit that and moved onto tap dancing. Tap wasn’t as fun as jazz, which then gave way to pottery. Then there was that brief stint in ballet, then Irish dance, followed by several years of piano lessons. I dabbled in art, more styles of dance, and went back to competitive Irish dance in high school. All that took a backseat to theatre—the only thing I stuck with. Until I didn’t; I left my LA acting career to travel the world.

And in staying, I proved to myself that I was strong enough to honor my commitment.

Many have wondered if I kept Vipassana as a part of my life. Do I still practice the technique, which requires two hours a day of silent meditation?

Vipassana: My Experience With Serene Meditation Retreat

Jun 1, 2020·4 min read

Vipassana meditation retreat was a transformative experience of my life. In the midst of life’s struggles and personal crisis, I found this gift of meditation.

Vipassana has brought equilibrium and serenity to my cluttered mind. It has been more than a year I have been practicing meditation regularly and attended three courses so far.

Although nothing in my life has changed miraculously since I started Vipassana, I have control over the level of stress and no signs of anxiety. I struggled with migraines for a few years until I started meditating religiously. Vipassana has made migraines a rare occurrence which troubled me often before last year.

Vipassana has healed my mind and made life better. And with more meditation practice, I look for a meaningful journey ahead. It is worth emphasizing that meditation is a personal experience, and the outcomes can be unique and relative if not similar for every practitioner.

The ten day course

At Vipassana meditation center, the day starts with a wake-up bell ringing at 4 AM, and meditation begins at 4:30 AM. The day ends around 9 PM after approximately ten hours of meditation and discourse by the guru in the evening.

Anapana and Vipassana

Mind is constantly wandering in the past and future than focusing on the present. Living in the present and observing the breath is the first step to calm the mind for Vipassana. The ten-day course starts with meditation, and starts fourth day onwards.

Meditate and be happy

Why Did I Immerse Myself Into An Environment Of Silence

People attend Vipassana courses for many different reasons. I met people who looked for ways to overcome their addictions, others longed to solve their sleeping disorders. For me, I was eager to get a deeper understanding of meditation and learn more about myself. As someone who is always looking for new challenges and opportunities for growth, this seemed like the perfect environment to spend my Christmas break.

Over time, I had come across a number of people who shared their Vipassana experience with me, inspiring me to find out for myself what it is all about. So eventually, I felt the call to embark on this journey and signed up for a women’s-only retreat that took place over the Christmas period in the hinterland of the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia. While I already had some experience in meditation, I didn’t really know what to expect in the upcoming 10 days, far away from civilisation.

Disclaimer: Nothing You Read Here Will Do This Justice

Both the Buddha and Goenka stress the importance of direct experience, which is a welcome change from other gurus preaching their truth as the only true way. They explicitly say “Take this and try it on and see if it works for you — but don’t believe it until you’ve lived it yourself.” There are even 3 different types of wisdom in Buddhism to relate to these — known, believed, and lived.

Vipassana and Buddhism are all about living truly present in the moment, without cravings, aversions, ignorance, memories, expectations, or future plans. So remember that everything you read here may make your meditation that much harder in the moment: “Wait, I’m not experiencing what Corey experienced!”.

If you’re anything like me though, you’ll read on anyways, as I did all the blog posts of those who came before me, and I still had a great time. So let’s go!

Did You Microdose While There Or Take Any Psychedelics

I considered it, but no, I did not and I will not. It’s a rule not to take any drugs, and although I don’t consider it a “drug” — psilocybin alter your state of consciousness. The reason I wanted to microdose while there was to lower my sensory gate perception, because mushrooms do that, and a key part of Vipassana is the ability to feel subtle sensations on the body. It no doubt help, but the more important part of Vipassana is observing life as it it, not as you wish it were. So, in weighing the pros and cons, it was quickly clear to me that using any external ‘aids’ to achieve deeper states of meditation was actually completely against the purpose and would set me back. You want to honour where you’re at in that moment, and watch your success come from doing the work.

Learn more about microdosing

Registering For The Course An Unexpected First Hurdle

I expected registration for a course to be a quick and hassle-free process. I was wrong. In the end, it took approximately 7 months from decision to do a course until actually enrolling and participating in one.

You see, Vipassana courses are popular. Much more popular than I thought. Registration to 10-day courses usually opens three months before the course starts and it’s not uncommon that courses fill up within a few days of opening up registration.

And it’s not like these courses take place 3x per month. It’s more like one course every 4-6 weeks. Long story short, I missed out on courses a couple of times until I finally managed to register on time and get accepted for the course from sep-19 to sep-30.

Why Did I Choose To Participate In A Vipassana Course

Before we get to my detailed experience of the ten-day retreat, I want to give you an understanding of why I chose to go through this in the first place. People go on such retreats for numerous different reasons. For me, the main reason was the proven scientific track record of meditation.

And by track record I mean the science-backed benefits of meditation. According to books and articles I’ve read on the topic, some of those benefits include:

Improved immune function, decreased inflammation, many other improved health markers

Decreased anxiety, depression, stress

Increased positive emotions, decreased negative emotions, more happiness

Improved relationships, increases in social connection, less feelings of loneliness

Improved focus and attention, memory, creative thinking

Improved self-control, emotion regulation, concentration, introspection

Meditation has been shown in multiple studies to physically alter the structures of your brain, increasing grey matter, growing cortical thickness, and increasing volume in areas related to self-control, emotion regulation, positive emotions, and paying attention.

If you’re interested in living a healthy, happy, successful, and fulfilling life, there’s hardly a better use of your time than meditation. I’ve said on numerous occasions that mindfulness is the #1 skill anyone can learn in life – and mindfulness is best cultivated through the practice of meditation.

Spiritual Benefits Of Vipassana Meditation Technique

Vipassana meditation has significant spiritual benefits. In fact, it is the best meditation for gaining insight into the true nature of reality.

When we practise Vipassana meditation technique daily we gradually awaken.

Plus, when you learn how to do Vipassana meditation , you will notice what’s going on inside your mind while you’re living your everyday life. In fact, doing Vipassana at home is better than doing it at a retreat. When you practise at a retreat you only see what’s going on in your mind when you’re at the retreat. That’s not very useful! Contrastingly, gaining insight into your mind in your everyday life is invaluable. And that is why you’re smart for learning how to do Vipassana meditation at home.

Part 3 Of 3:overcoming Distractions While Meditating

“smallUrl”:”https:\/\/www.wikihow.com\/images\/thumb\/6\/6e\/Perform-Insight-Meditation-Step-9.jpg\/v4-460px-Perform-Insight-Meditation-Step-9.jpg”,”bigUrl”:”\/images\/thumb\/6\/6e\/Perform-Insight-Meditation-Step-9.jpg\/aid6822382-v4-728px-Perform-Insight-Meditation-Step-9.jpg”,”smallWidth”:460,”smallHeight”:345,”bigWidth”:728,”bigHeight”:546,”licensing”:”<div class=\”mw-parser-output\”><p>License: <a target=\”_blank\” rel=\”nofollow noreferrer noopener\” class=\”external text\” href=\”https:\/\/creativecommons.org\/licenses\/by-nc-sa\/3.0\/\”>Creative Commons<\/a><br>\n<\/p><p><br \/>\n<\/p><\/div>”1Focus briefly on distractions. Whenever there is an outside noise, any sort of disturbance, you should consciously and immediately focus awareness towards that sound. Just as you labeled the rising and falling of the abdomen, label the exterior sound in your mind.XResearch source

The process can be free of thought, just allowing the mind to focus on the surroundings. If you’re distracted, refocus on your breathing until you can establish a calm understanding of smaller sounds around you.

Tips On Getting Started With Vipassana Meditation:

To get started with Vipassana Meditation, you can work with me or you can begin to practice on your own, below are some tips to get you started.

– Choose a time when you’ll be able to practice consistently

– Prepare your space. Find a room in your house that can be designated for meditation only, and keep it free of distractions such as TV’s, computers, or phones

– Set a timer for 20 minutes and start!

– Sit with your legs crossed if possible. Palms one on top of the other in your lap. If you cannot sit with your legs crossed then find a position that you can sit comfortably, don’t create or further physical ailments in this process. how you sit is not as important as you might think.

– Focus on your breath or teach the abdomen, and allow yourself to be. Note the thoughts and emotions as they arise for what they are “Noting” is acknowledging what truly is within and allowing it to be recognized, this is a game-changer as your practice grows. When the thought, emotion, or feeling has passed return to the breath or the rising and falling of the abdomen.

Can You Bring Your Own Food/ Make Dietary Requests

No to bringing your own food, and to making dietary requests. Understand that if everyone did this, the courses could not exist. Distinguish between dietary requirements and dietary preferences. Do I eat gluten in real life: no. Am I allergic to gluten: also no. There are often options, and you can navigate the meals to avoid certain things, but unless you’re allergic: don’t make requests. Doing so will absolutely harm your practice, because living like a monk/ nun means living on the charity of others. If you want to truly surrender to the experience, you need to let go of your daily life neuroses. Beggars can’t be choosers, and when you accept the free food prepared by love by volunteers who are serving you selflessly and preparing food made with love, the alchemy is incredible and you will feel wonderful, I promise.

How Is It Different From Other Types Of Meditation

People often wonder what difference there is between Vipassana meditation and transcendental meditation or even mindfulness. And while some may think they are very similar, there are clear distinctions in all of them.

Vipassana meditation is about becoming insightful through self observation and enquiries of the self and life.

Transcendental meditation, on the other hand, uses a mantra to help you transcend to the source of thought.

Mindfulness meditation is about being mindful of your thoughts and feelings without interfering, mentally, and living in the present moment.

Ten Day Vipassana Meditation Course: My Experience

You can find a slightly shorter version of this post in case you don’t want all the detail, though I’d recommend reading the full version if you have the time. If you’re thinking about taking the course, might be helpful to read too.

I just came back from a 10-day Vipassana course. It was a unique and tough experience full of ups and downs, and very different from what I expected.

I’d been interested in meditation for a few years, but hadn’t had the discipline to put it into practice. I chose this course because it’s a 10-day immersive course with no communication throughout. No phones, no talking to the other meditators. Not even any eye contact or gestures. I liked the idea of the lack of distraction. Other than that I have to admit I didn’t know too much about this specific course before I went, and that became apparent as soon as I got there!

Upon arrival, we made a vow to live by a number of rules, most of them not too taxing: no killing, stealing, lying, or intoxicants, and complete sexual abstinence. We also agreed not to leave before the end of the course.

Each day of the course started with a gong at 4 AM and finished with a talk at 9:30 PM, with around 11 hours of meditation in between. The rest of the time was made up of meal and rest breaks.

Ok so far. I can swallow that.

Hmm, ok. A little far fetched, but just maybe there’s a meaningful analogy there.

Some things I’ve noticed since leaving the course yesterday:

To be continued…

How Much Does A Vipassana Meditation Retreat Cost

Vipassana is technically free, in that you don’t pay anything to attend. There are many reasons for this, one of which is that it allows you to develop the P?ram? and even the teachers volunteer their time, because Dhamma is too important to set a financial restriction on

Donations are pure and are only accepted by old students, who have completed at least one 10 day Vipassana. They are based on means which is one of the fundamental pillars on which enlightenment is founded.

No Speaking For 10 Days Wtf Do You Lose Your Mind

Haha, kind of, but it’s amazing. When you live your day-to-day life constantly thinking and communicating, its near impossible to realize the madness going on in your head. We have so much stimulus that our thoughts actually jump from one thing to another without ever taking a breath. This is apparent during the first 2 days of the retreat. As you quietly observe your breath, the mind is running at 100 miles per hour like a total spas.

When we speak, we automatically start telling ourselves stories, about how we feel, what other people are doing and saying and our assumptions on their intentions and what they might be thinking. It’s an added layer of information that just crams into our internal dialogue and generates information overload. Not speaking for 10 days is so relaxing and regenerative. It allows you to focus on observing your mind as opposed to multitasking between that and navigating the outside world. It really gives you a chance to go inwards.

What Is The Cost Of A Vipassana Meditation Course

On principle, no fee for the Vipassana course is charged. Centers are instead maintained by the donations of those who have completed a meditation course. You may donate only once you have completed a course and you are free to choose the amount you wish to donate.

those who came before you support your course while your donation supports future participants. So you pay it forward.

Would I Recommend Vipassana Meditation To Others

Yes! But only when the timing is right.

A simple, non-sectarian technique for programming pervasive peace into our lives, I believe Vipassana meditation to be one of the best things I’ve ever encountered. I wouldn’t recommend rushing into a course, though. Had I attended one a year ago, I probably would have left the first day. Trying to sit still and consciously aware for ten straight days is a tremendous challenge.Sign up when you have some extra gumption to give to the experience.

Lastly, if you’ve made it this far in this lengthy article, you might be curious how much a ten-day Vipassana course cost? It’s absolutely free. The program is entirely run by volunteers and financially supported by past students .

How To Do Vipassana Meditation Technique At Home

In my opinion, it is best to do Vipassana at home because then you will gain insight into how your mind works in the place you are every day: home, which is far more valuable than doing it at a retreat.

Buddha said that it is best to do Vipassana meditation technique in a forest, sitting with the legs crossed in Lotus position. However, you can practice Vipassana meditation at home. Of course, your space should be relaxing and free of distractions. You can also do it sitting in a chair. However, do make sure you have good posture.

When you do Vipassana at home you should be somewhere quiet and comfortable.

You can learn more about sitting positions in my guide to

My Toughest Challenge Ever Vipassana Meditation

Meditation Series – Chapter 3: Vipassana

Continuing my experiments with different forms of meditation, I had come across Vipassana around 2015. I got this sudden opportunity to join Vipassana camp. Vipassana is an old Buddhist tradition of Meditation, as was taught by Gautam Buddha himself. I had heard a lot about it and always thought of it more as an adventure than Meditation; it seemed like the toughest experience out there. Many people think that one session of Vipassana and you become a sanyasi on a yogic path like Gautam Buddha. Frankly, it is a stupid conception but about that later, first, let me elaborate on my experience with Vipassana.

How Vipassana challenges you every minute.

Vipassana is seriously a mind-blowing experience and the toughest thing I ever did in my life. One has to dedicate oneself to the session for 10 days at a time and stay in the ashram/camp during this period. Program highlights are: Wake up every morning at 4 a.m., not talk to anyone for 10 days , and last meal at 12 noon – no dinner, only a snack in the evening… All deal breakers for me. I am not a morning person, in fact I can’t even wake up at 9 easily, forget about 4 am. The few times in life, I have been awake at 4 in the morning was when I didn’t sleep the whole night. ?

What more? Hmmm, not talking to anyone was not a deal-breaker, as I have a strange combination of chatterbox and statuesque personality. So acquiring one personality for a small period of time is not so tough.

How I Heard About Vipassana Meditation Retreats

I heard about Vipassana meditation retreats on a forum. People shared reviews of their Vipassana experiences and reported getting incredible results from the 10-day retreats offered by Vipassana centers around the world. I looked into it, fond a center close to my home in Eastern Canada and subscribed for a 10-day meditation retreat. I wasn’t sure what I was getting myself into. I read it was considered one of the most challenging meditation retreats available to westerners. I saw it as a great personal challenge and an incredible opportunity to fully focus on meditation. Besides, the retreats were free of charge; they’re solely financed by voluntary donations, so I really had nothing to lose except 10 days.

Photo credit : hckyso from flickr

In Vipassana retreats, all forms of communication with other students are forbidden . Practitioners are only allowed to bring necessities, this means nothing to read, watch, listen to or write with. Cellphones and other electronic devices are also prohibited. The rules are strict, but they are helpful and force you to fully concentrate on your meditation practice without distracting yourself when things get tough, because they will get tough, trust me.

I Keep Seeing The Word Dhamma What Does It Mean

Dhamma is part of the ‘triple gem’ which includes:

anyone who is fully enlightened

the law of nature; the teaching of an enlightened person; the way to liberation

anyone who has practiced Dhamma and has become a pure-minded, saintly person

All Pali words are explained during the course, as their relevance becomes necessary.

Schedule: A Typical Vipassana Day And Timetable

For days one through nine, participants observe a “Noble Silence” which means no talking and no charades or other non-verbal communication. You can ask the instructor questions during sessions at 12:00 P.M. and 9:00 P.M. Remaining silent during this time is not nearly as difficult as it sounds.

The schedule is the same at every Vipassana 10-day meditation course, no matter where it is being held in the world. You can see this at the bottom of the Vipassana FAQ page.

Wake up bell: 4:00 A.M.

Most mornings, for whatever reason, my body anticipated the waking bells at 4:00 A.M. I set an alarm for 4:10 A.M. just in case and never had to use it. Not because I wasn’t tired in some way, or even jet lagged a bit, but because it was clear I had something important that I must do.

After a quick wash and water and a stretch, I was out the door into the pre-dawn darkness for a walk from my room to the meditation hall. The touch of cool before the birds would come alive and the warmth of the Malaysia hot season would land was something I’ll never forget.

Meditate in the hall or in your room: 4:30-6:30 A.M.

I quickly realized after a brief conversation with the instructor that meditating in the hall for newcomers is an important discipline. I found I would go much further with the structure and discipline of the early morning in the hall, despite the fact that the morning sessions ended with a chant that typically drove me borderline crazy.

Breakfast and rest: 6:30-8:00 A.M.

Where Can I Find A Vipassana Meditation Retreat

Today, there are over 172 Vipassana meditation centers, and 134 non-centers scattered around the globe, all of which are under the instruction of current teacher S.N. Goenka , whose videotaped sessions guide the students along the course.

All Vipassana meditation centers operate strictly on a donation basis. So, the course and all its amenities are provided for free. Donations are only accepted from those who complete the full 10-days and are informed after completion of the minimum donation to cover their board and lodging.

All participants are expected to complete the full 10-days, however, there is no obligation and one can leave anytime.

www.dhamma.org

What Is Vipassana Meditation A Beginners Guide

We will all agree that often times we find ourselves overwhelmed by various negative thoughts and feelings. We get angry, disappointed, sad, discouraged and even feel completely out of harmony with ourselves. This makes us send off those negative energies to the other people around us and make them unhappy too.

Definitely, it is not something we do intentionally but the things we go through life may make us do it. But is there a way in which we can reduce all the negative thoughts, feelings and energy and be more on the positive side, feeling energized, motivated, peaceful, happy and having proper inner balance?

Vipassana meditation is a great practice that helps us become more peaceful, calm and have inner harmony through purifying the mind from the negative thoughts and feelings that make us suffer. It brings a sense of mental stillness and clarity that helps us live better lives.

How Does It Work The Precepts And Course Rules

So, how does a retreat work anyway? What are the rules? What does a typical day look like? That’s what we’ll cover next.

For starters, attendees of a Vipassana course must undertake five precepts for the duration of the course: 1) to abstain from killing any being; 2) to abstain from stealing; 3) to abstain from all sexual activity; 4) to abstain from telling lies; 5) to abstain from all intoxicants.

In addition to the precepts, attendees should also adhere to the following rules:

The rules may sound a bit strict and draconic in the beginning. After the course, however, I realize that most of them make total sense and are simply there to make life easier for the students.

I had no trouble following the rules, though I do some pushups and other bodyweight exercises from time to time. As long as you don’t distract your fellow meditators, I guess it’s fine.

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