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sporesgalaxy · 3 months

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I know this is something u were probably asked before but as the guy that has a good relationship with art....how do you do that??? I mean I get that this question is vague but how do you not care if it looks bad? Do you just?? Keep on going till it looks like you want it to look? Despite the agonies? You seem like you enjoy talking abt this thats why im asking, dont feel the need to answer if u dont wanna

hmmmm. You know, I don't think about the agonies much these days. But it's not that I don't care. I guess I've become a freak who sees beauty in the agonies, sorta? It's kind of complicated! I will do my best to explain!

First of all, I know that I have the unfair advantage of having no ambition. I don't have a goal for my art besides making art when I feel like it. That makes it easy to be less judgemental-- I remember having a rockier relationship to my own art during the time when I thought I would make it my career.

This is why I like talking about my perspective, though!! I think it's important to try not to let yourself be consumed by self-criticism as an artist, even if self-criticism is necessary for you, and hopefully my carefree way of looking at things can help balance things out haha.

Anyways, ambition or not-- and I know how this sounds but bear with me-- art doesn't ever look bad.

(Barring ethically harmful art, ugh, I don't want to get into ethics so just-- surely you know what I mean!!!)

Art gets a lot less stressful if you can tell yourself that no art is bad, and remember the reasoning behind that until you really believe it. It isn't a fast process, but it's very worth the work.

The truth is that art either looks how you want it to look, or it looks different from the way you want it to look, but both are ultimately neutral. You CAN make art that looks different from what you wanted, that you still feel pleased with.

When art looks different from how you wanted, the gut reaction you have is often to call it bad or get frustrated. And of course it's frustrating! Maybe you feel it's not as effective at communicating something as you'd hoped, or you feel it's not as visually impactful as you imagined...but it's important to remember those things are only your perception. Not an objective fact. And art is a two-way street! A communication between creator and observer! And communication is really weird and complicated.

•••

Other people's perception of your work won't ever be exactly the same as yours. Sometimes this is desireable and sometimes it isn't! Maybe your art will communicate the thing better to someone than anything they've ever seen-- even if a more effective version could theoretically exist, the "imperfect" version that actually exists and communicates is all that matters to the observer. Or, maybe a feature that turned out exactly how you wanted it to will fly completely over an observer's head, and not have the effect you wanted at all. A lot of the time, you'll never even know.

An artist can NEVER fully control an observer's perspective, so at a certain point you have to live with what you have. You already do this, to some degree, if you have ever EVER decided to stop working on a piece of art and share it. You can always keep adding to something. You can always keep editing. But sometimes, you stop. And perfection doesn't exist, so when you stop it must be because the art is good enough for now. And nothing about "good enough" is objective!

And is that really so bad? Surely people who grow fruit understand that a fruit which is smaller than they imagined can still feed somebody-- that at the very least it will feed bugs and microorganisms and be useful as fertilizer to grow more apples. Your art still means something, still accomplishes something, is still worth making whether it turns out how you imagined or not.

A lot of art is learning when to quit and move on. As a habitual perfectionist, this was something I had to learn early, to stop myself from erasing holes into every piece of paper I drew on.

There's this rule I was taught in middle school drama class: if you fuck up, act like you didn't fuck up. The audience doesn't have your script memorized, so odds are they won't have any idea you fucked up unless you tell them. Other art works the same way. No one knows what you wanted to make but you. And more importantly, a "perfect" version of your art doesn't exist (no "perfect" version of anyone's art exists, or ever will).

The version you made exists, so you have to find what's worth loving about that version. You have found what's worth loving in the imperfect art of others many times. Many observers will treat your art the same way you treat others' art. Why not treat your own art that way, too?

It sounds really REALLY corny, but I try not to think of this as embracing "mistakes." I think of it as celebrating coincidences.

I really really like coincidences. I like that every circumstance wasn't guaranteed to happen, that everything comes down to chance. I think all the little random things are beautiful because they turned out however they did, and not any of the millions of other ways things might have turned out. It's a coincidence that my genes expressed the way they did. It's a coincidence that my parents met in college. It's a coincidence that my oldest friend and I both got to middle school early every day, and stayed close even when we didn't share any classes.

Art is full of coincidences! I try to draw a straight line. The line does not turn out straight, because of the way my hand is shaped and the way my muscles contracted, because my body is not exactly like anyone else's in the world. No one else would have drawn that slightly not-straight line just exactly how I did. It's mine, and it's crookedness is what makes my art mine. Okay, maybe it's a little too crooked for what I want this time-- I'll erase it and draw a new crooked line at a bit of a different angle. There we go, I like that! Now it's my beautiful, irreplaceable crooked line! And the ghost of its predecessor guides the eye just so, and no one else's two crooked lines would guide your eye the same way, only mine! Isn't that nice on its own? Just to have made something that can't ever be replicated? To have made something no one else has ever made before?

You can also apply this in a bit less dreamy and more practical ways, I promise haha.

For example...I've never been a canvas flipper, as a digital character artist. I don't mirror my canvases to see if they still look preportional to me from either direction. I also don't usually draw visual novel character sprites that need to look good mirrored in either direction to serve their function, so it's never been a practical concern of mine.

I consider many kinds of distortion on a character I've drawn to be a good part of the visual flow of the image. Like a smear frame in animation, distoriton in the right places can make character art look dynamic and energized because it can lead the eye through a certain visual flow over the form of the character. If I were to flip the canvas, that eye-leading effect might hit differently because my American eye is used to reading from left to right-- perhaps it doesn't feel as "smooth" going in the opposite direction. This doesn't mean I need to change the distortion necessarily, it just means I prefer not to flip the canvas.

Often, these distortions aren't intentional. They're a coincidence of how my muscles move as I draw, and the areas my left-to-right American eyeballs instinctively pay more attention to. But the effect is still desireable to me. So, happy coincidence!

I think...that's the best I've got for now? Feel free to ask for clarification. I hope it's not total nonsense!

#asks #art tips

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callsign-relic · 8 months

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Hi again! I saw your post explaining the first contact AU, it was very help<3

Speaking of my last ask, I would totally love it in that AU (now that I know more about it I may just look into it more)

One thing is that it's more willing, not straight up kidnapping. I'm fine with it not being like 100% by choice, but just not cleary against their will.

Im still down with either characters, they both are interesting to me.

Thanks for the help! And that's for taking my request :D

No problem, I’m happy to help <3

As for your request, I chose Shockwave over Soundwave as I had more of an idea for what to do with him in terms of a First Contact AU, so I hope you enjoy :)

Warnings: SFW, GN!Human!Reader, First Contact AU

Blinding red light takes up the entirety of your vision.

It was as if you were staring directly into a traffic light. You could see the texturing of the alien glass, the typically minuscule ridges and bumps looking more like little hills you could run your hand over. You cringe at the imperfections in the glass— little cuts and cracks ranging from surface level, to so deep they warp the glass around it just a tad.

And though you had to squint to help your eyes adjust to the bright crimson light before you— most eerily of all, despite the red glass making the light bulb behind it blurred, you can see the brightest point of light at the center flick and twitch about.

Examining you. Studying every little detail and feature about you under its intensely scrutinizing gaze.

So dead and devoid of feeling, yet so full of life and morbid curiosity, all at once.

“Earth exploration audio log: first solar cycle, thirteenth cycle,” a low voice drones on. From where the sound emerges, you aren’t sure, nor could you even understand it— but it completely fills the air around you, leaving no room for your own thoughts to wander.

“I have come across another of planet earth’s native species. Unlike most other of earth’s species, this kind is of enough size for a Cybertronian to handle decently dexterously.” As the scientist logs his findings, you find yourself shifted in his grasp— rather than leaving you dangled by the scruff of your shirt, the mech brings his free claws upwards and holds you loosely within them. “Yet, still no larger than the palm of the average servo.”

With a pointed thumb, Shockwave pulls open the collar of your shirt to examine your chest, and once he’s satisfied, he lifts up the bottom to study your stomach.

“The subject appears to be anatomically similar to a Cybertronian, at first glance.” Suddenly, the sharp digit digs beneath your shirt with ease, pressing into your stomach. You gasp at the sudden pressure— the cool steel of the tip of his thumb sending goosebumps through your comparatively warmer body. “However, there are some key differences.”

The thumb presses further into your stomach, and despite how you try to push the offending pressure away, you find yourself totally pinned into the palm of this metal titan. “Like most creatures on this planet, it is an organic. This is evidenced by its warm core body temperature and, more obviously, the squishy flesh that makes up its outer plating.”

He releases his thumb from against you, and you feel like you can breathe. You scoot backwards in his servo, daring to take a look off the edge of his hand— only to immediately turn your head back to face him.

You were several feet high in the air. If there was any chance of you getting out of here without falling to death, you’d have to climb the bot down somehow without him noticing. And, considering how keenly his attention was fixed on you, you didn’t think you had a decent chance of that happening anytime soon.

“Subject is of enough interest to warrant further study.” Suddenly, the platform of his hand beneath you quickly descends to the floor, tilting sideways and allowing you to slide off. You slowly pick yourself up, chancing a few steps backwards to see if he would allow you to leave, though your eyes remained fixed on him.

Shockwave seemed preoccupied with something else, however. Attached to his hip was a series of cylindrical glass tubes, and as he lifted the first one out of its holster, a mechanical click and hiss ringing out as it’s freed, you catch a glimpse of the contents of the cylinders previously beside it.

One of the containers contained an elk, pacing around curiously in its enclosure. Another contained an alligator, deathly still, as if it was still in the swamps of its homeland, awaiting a prey to never come.

And, before you could even process the massive shadow that fell over you, you realized in that very moment what would make up the contents of the third cylinder.

You.

The glass slams down around you, and the vibrations it sends through the rocky mound you had been standing on shake every bone in your body. That familiar red light casts itself over you in the darkness, disorienting you, and the tube drags itself forwards. It tilts up, knocking you off your feet, leaving you sliding down the glass into the bottom of the tube.

Your head pounds from the quick succession of every motion. You lifted higher and higher until you’re face to face with that single blinding optic again— Shockwave tilting his servo to move the glass about, and in turn, examining your aching body from every angle. “I will take the subjects I have gathered thus far and bring them to Lord Megatron. If he approves of their study, I shall make further note of my findings.”

Just as quickly as you were lifted up, you’re brought down. The tube you’re held in gets brought back down to Shockwave’s hip, locking itself into its holster with that same mechanical click and hiss.

“If my pitch is rejected, I shall bring the subjects back to their habitat and find alternative earthen samples to study.” And with that, Shockwave takes a step forward— rocking you around in your enclosure. You have to spread your arms wide to press them on either side of the glance so you don’t fall, but each step feels like an earthquake. You rear back and forwards with every movement, despite how much you try and hold your balance.

All you had to do was find a rhythm. The mech’s strides were wide and slow, so you leaned back when he brought his pede forward, and leaned forward when his leg moved back.

Okay. This would be fine. All you had to do was wait it out. Once the big guy was distracted, you could climb out and make your escape. And even if you couldn’t escape, surely you wouldn’t be stuck with him for long— and surely it wouldn’t be too bad of an experience staying with him for the time you had to.

Right?

“End earth exploration audio log: first solar cycle, thirteenth cycle.”

#relic writes #transformers #reader insert #transformers x reader #Transformers Prime #TFP #Transformers Prime x reader #TFP x reader #shockwave x reader #TFP shockwave x reader

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randomwriteronline · 4 months

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I wonder if the toa mata recognized themselves in their own memories from before mata nui.

I dont know, i think theres possibilities to be explored about that. Suddenly remembering yourself and what you find being a complete stranger is a common thing for amnesia plots i guess but also i think this could be even more jarring. Like a more genuine difference between killing machine and living being.

Its less a matter of nature vs nurture and more a matter of nature with a certain type of nurture. Nature dictates they are powerful and driven and well meaning, but the way they are brought up produces completely different people.

Their first taste of life was a sterile room with nobody but each other and a disembodied voice reading out their duties, establishing an arbitrary hierarchy within them, and then sending them to a glorified bootcamp where a ruthless instructor worked on making them into skilled combatants and nothing else, teaching them how to use their elements as tools and weapons without indulging in them; they got a vague sense of what and how a community feels like with the Av-Matoran - as outsiders, as its protective shield, there for them but not with them - only to get that stripped away from them too because their role as life saving tools to be preserved under glass just in case of a crisis was more important.

I wonder if the Toa Mata, the ones who were taken to the Koro of Mata Nui and listened to the Turaga's tales and reprimands and would have moved mountains for the Matoran who treated them like older siblings, return with their minds to things they said or thought or did from before the Island of Mata Nui and stop in their tracks. Whose memory is that, they think? That can't be mine. I am not like that. My siblings are not like that. Some things are perfectly right, they cant deny that; but just as many if not more are so wrong that they almost feel like a really cruel joke somebody planted into their heads.

Kopaka and Tahu got along, even if they dont want to admit it because they need to bicker like children or theyll die, but are more surprised that they werent as tentatively close with anybody else. Lewa remembers so much frustration and tedium and anger that if he stalls in his memories too much he genuinely starts feeling queasy, Pohatu has remnants of bitterness and passive aggression that still cling to him like the smell of a cigarette on someone who gave up smoking, and they both hate that because its nothing like them. Onua and Gali feel like theyre peering into some kind of imperfect clone's brain when they try to remember - its themselves, they know that, it has to be, but there are certain things they know about themelves that are just completely missing and its kind of dizzying to realize that.

Im not even sure they liked each other. They work together because its their destiny, but they don't seem to seek each other out for fun or anything else. In their training days they had to be shoved in each others direction or they would have never solved their obligatory group assignments.

I wonder if their terrors and flaws could partially come from this first life that they had too. Gali's fear of her anger and Lewa's disregard for duty stemming from Hydraxon's methods - she internalized his reprimands about feeling guilt for living enemies, but without any memory of him she believes the words resurfacing in her mind from time to time are her own, and is appalled by their cruelty; he was forbidden from enjoying himself, from indulging in any form of fun, of entertainment, of joy, and unconsciously now he rebels by shirking away from responsability to do whatever he wants.

The responses to Tahu's decision regarding the codrex haunt him, the whole situation, really; how he stripped his siblings of any say on their fate because he was the leader, not even telling them or explaining himself until they had no other choice, and if he could treat them like that once then what would stop him from doing so again and again until he doesnt even think about it? Kopaka is uneasy about it too. He knew the plan and supported Tahu only because he tagged along, but hes very, very acutely aware that he would have been left just as much in the dark as everybody else otherwise, and he would gave not even had anybody to seek any comfort from because hes fairly certain none of the others would have liked him enough to care.

Onua as @cantankerouscanuck pointed out to me mightve taken Hydraxon's teachings to heart, hence why he's so quiet: no use in expressing weakness, right? But karda nui must have been hellish on his senses, with all that light - a tangible physical discomfort that would bleed out into an emotional one as he becomes conscious of how none of his siblings go through this, thus he must be damaged in some way, faulty, out of place, and so he seeks to be alone, digging himself away. And its not hard to imagine how Pohatu (who hasnt had the chance to grow into the affable, kind toa his siblings can always lean on when they need to yet) would become convinced of his uselessness within the team and seethe about it.

They arrive on Mata Nui as broken war machines with no clue who they even are and suddenly find nature and community and love, and in a moment theyre people.

I wonder if the environment helped. Being thrown upon a beach in the open air with nothing but a whole world that is so alien and yet feels so right beckoning them to come closer. Discovering their powers and their domains freely, immediately - first thing they did was dive into their respective elements without a second thought, naturally magnetized, taking after them like it was the simplest thing in the world, because they are the first toa, the first beings capable of harnessing these powers in their whole universe, and its in their nature to be so connected to them. Maybe it helped. Maybe it made them feel connected to their own selves enough to figure themselves out in a way they couldnt have done so before.

Maybe it helped to find out their collective destiny each on their own, in their own environment, at their own pace, surrounded by younger siblings who look at them with awe and curiosity and frustration sometimes, guided by people who know how being alive works with all its good parts and messy bits and who can tell what having so much power means when youre barely aware of how to use it or what to do. And maybe it helped to find out who their siblings were in a similar way, introducing themselves as they wanted, as they felt like, without a specific order, and learning to recognize each other as siblings with all the things that make them insufferable and all the things that make them the best and what makes them happy and what makes them angry and how they sound when theyre worried and how likely they are to chase you down to the other edge of the island for doing something stupid, and like real people they grow and develop and change and stay the same, and then they meet the memory of themselves from before becoming people and its...

Idk. Its like the realization of who they used to be and the distance between themselves and those selves, and the fact that they dont like them.

#bionicle #toa mata #random talks #oh my god finally it shows up in tags. i had to email support and they still couldnt do anything for the previous version #sorry for the One Guy who liked the previous versions i swear I'll stop now that it finally works #but yea. many thoughts not necessarily coherent or well explained but i tried #i think of gali working alone and pohatus passive aggressiveness and lewa threatening to chew out tahu once they awake again #(i think of lewa being the first one to hear tahu laugh on mata nui)#i wonder if they sometimes acted or said something that made them look and sound and feel like before their stasis #and if it made them wince and hush uncomfortably or if they pushed through it despite the discomfort #i wonder if they talked about this. any of this. even if it wasnt pleasant.

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macaroki · 8 months

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" youre the only one who understand. "

or, in another word, AKAASHI's love language is a perfect combination of words of affirmation and physical touch.

(repost bcs minor inconvenience love yall pookie)

m.list

"am i.. hard to love?"

the question lingered in the air for a solid minute or two before akaashi turned his attention towards you with a puzzled expression. no, in fact, he blinked one, two, three times before his voice was filled with certainty as he asked, "why would you think that? of course not, baby. i never think of you that way - no no, not even in the slightest."

despite of feeling a sense of warmth at his reassurances, you couldn't help but wonder how he still saw good in you. after all, you had so many flaws, imperfection and yet he still wanted you by his side. akaashi is epitome of perfection, and sometimes it feels like he is too good to be true, feeling like he deserve so much better - one that actually can love him properly without feeling insecure and doubting every second.

"im so indecisive, im so picky, im- i can't understand why you still choose to love me. out of anyone, why me?"

your words making his heart clenched a little as it was filled with nothing good but sense of self-loathing and self-doubt. akaashi's hands cradled your waist, pulling you closer as a kiss was planted on your forehead. his hand making it way to caress your cheek and his voice was gentle and warm like a wind during the summer breeze, filled with nothing but affection as his eyes danced with love and adoration.

"you know, this things only make me want to love you more." your body melted in his arm, subsconciously, seeking comfort in his embrace. it feels like being wrapped on a a cozy blanket on a cold night, all left for you is the feeling of being safe and warm in his arm. you found your way to nuzzle on his neck with his hand softly caressing your back in comforting manner.

"plus, i'd rather learn to love you than lose you." as those words echoed through your ear, you felt content and complete, knowing you were in his arms. his fingers softly entwined with yours as you laid your head gently against his chest. the sound of his heartbeat reached your ears like a lullaby that keeping you grounded within the reality. at this little, sweet moments you realised that, you dont need anyone else but him. not that youre planning to leave him anytime sooner.

you might be lost for now, but he's always there to take you back home.

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thesherrinfordfacility · 2 months

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six months on (albeit, a bit late) part 2/3

part one | part two | epilogue (at some point)

okay right this is significantly more important (and more interesting frankly) than doing the job that im actually paid to do, so let's pick up where we left off in part one. main conclusions that ive come to so far, as a recap:

aziraphale feels threatened by the conversation with the metatron and feels he has little choice but to go to heaven. also, possibly feels aware that the metatron might be able to see/hear their conversation, and so has to be careful in his own proposal that does not alert crowley to there being something wrong, and does not alert metatron to his suspicion of him

wants to bring crowley with him because... yk, love. and he thinks that the restoration might be something that crowley has always wanted anyway, so he has to offer it without clueing crowley in on the possibility that aziraphale is under some kind of duress

aziraphale was initially very resistant to going, but only gave in when a) metatron brought up crowley in the first place (implied threat aforementioned), b) crowley could be restored (which he thinks crowley might want anyway but never entertained could happen), and c) it would give aziraphale an opportunity to not only change heaven as it currently is, but also recognises him - in all his perceived imperfection as an angel - to be the "right man for the job"

crowley understandably refuses, and launches into his confession/proposal. both of them want the same end result - being together - but the journey there is the contested part. aziraphale tries to persuade crowley into coming with him by subtly changing his language and mannerisms, almost like he's leaking out hints as to why it is so important that they remain together

the only true miscommunication they have - that aptly heralds the beginning of the end - is "nothing lasts forever". everything else, arguably (aside from aziraphale's attempt to keep things under wraps) is fairly well communicated, but they simply. disagree

i will hastily add, as i said in part one, that this is still only my interpretation of the whole sequence; there have been so many amazing observations that have made my opinion/interpretation of the final fifteen flit from one stance to another, and these two posts are purely me rewatching it all, paying closer attention, and working out what the hell (ha) i think is going on.

so, we left off at "good luck".

aziraphale definitely appears taken aback that crowley has not, in fact, understood what he meant throughout the whole conversation, and most of all appears to have completely shut down with "nothing lasts forever". where aziraphale thinks that crowley putting his glasses back on means that they're about to leave together, hand in hand, and face whatever has been dealt to them... it's actually crowley drawing the line in the sand, and sticking (rightly so) to his set boundary that he will not return to heaven as an angel - regardless of the optimistic assumption of what that would precisely entail (ie. this is assuming that restoration is even possible, let alone that crowley would be able to be restored and simultaneously keep his memories/his "him" in the process... arguably, these two options are likely the more realistic).

aziraphale is now, more desperately and in plainer language, resorting to begging crowley to see why this is the best choice they can make to remain together. but this is also where i feel like aziraphale's double-speak language that he exhibited with "...i can make a difference"/"we can make a difference", and the metatron jibe, is growing more frantic and - as a result - more obvious.

to me, he's clearly trying to impress upon crowley that he is not rejecting him, that he wants crowley with him desperately... but is equally having to keep his expression of this as... strategic as possible. it's almost like he's flitting between talking to crowley in as heartfelt and candid a manner as he can, and then squeaking in the caveats that are for the benefit of this assumed pretence he's playing - i guess what im trying to say is that aziraphale can't very well turn around and say, 'crowley i am not rejecting you, i want to be with you, but i cannot get out of this situation im being placed in, and i cannot leave you here on your own because i have no idea - and am scared of - what will happen.' the way he says "work with me!"; 'its going to be me and you against them, still. that's all it was ever going to be; i am not theirs, i am yours, but i have to play this game' - which incidentally, to any outside ears, would arguably just sound like aziraphale asking for crowley to... well, work with him. "we can be together!" is said with all due emphasis and cry, and aziraphale neatly tacks on, "angels, doing good!", because they would do good - good as they see it - and crowley would have to be an angel in order to do so, yes, but ultimately aziraphale wants him... and yet still remains plausible to anyone who could be listening.

i do still think - for the record - that there is a part of aziraphale that thinks that this is absolutely the right thing to do. crowley has put other options to him that, in contrast, solve nothing as far as aziraphale is concerned, and this sense of threat from the metatron only forces into sharp relief that whatever happens, wherever they go, they are not free of anything and never will be until something changes. this line of thinking has not always been how aziraphale has thought historically - but it's who he is now. if we accept that all of the hard, agonising decisions and choices that aziraphale has had to make, all of the times where he has battled with what is the right thing to do (arguably - exactly as crowley has taught him), has led to this moment, then aziraphale standing steadfast to his decision is absolutely in line with the character development we've been shown throughout both seasons.

that is just my interpretation given the events that come before this bit of the dialogue; whichever way you look at it though, aziraphale is evidently panicked and erratic that this might actually be it - that he and crowley are done. the really interesting bit for me, however, lies in his movements, his body language, and his expressions? they feel more in line with how aziraphale normally acts. to me, all of this is genuine, it's not put on, nor faked; where before he was trying to hide his fear under the guise of excitement, it now feels like this is actually aziraphale speaking, and not some uncanny facsimile who is trying to clutch every fraying string and keep it all together. also worth noting that during this part of the interaction that not once, as far as we see it, does aziraphale look out of the window.

whichever way you look at it though, aziraphale is evidently panicked and erratic that this might actually be it - that he and crowley are done. the really interesting bit for me lies in his movements, his body language, and his expressions? they feel more in line with how aziraphale normally acts. to me, all of this is genuine, it's not put on, nor faked; where before he was trying to hide his fear under the guise of excitement, it now feels like this is actually aziraphale speaking, and not some uncanny facsimile who is trying to clutch every fraying string and keep it all together. also worth noting that during this part of the interaction that not once, as far as we see it, does aziraphale look out of the window.

crowley though? crowley has clocked out. noone could blame him at all, especially after the sucker punch of the previous half of the sequence, because whilst i think he's hearing aziraphale say these things spoken with sincerety, probably even recognises them to be genuine, he's possibly also hearing the unspoken, perceived caveat that comes along with them. "we can be together... but you have to change." "we can be together... but i'll never love you, as you are, as much as you want me to."

he's hearing what aziraphale is saying, and either he doesn't believe it, or he's resentful that he would say this now - from crowley's pov - to cover up and compensate for what he said before. as he goes to walk away, but is called back by aziraphale, his turn and his carriage is... not petulant, that's the wrong word, but almost impatient? like he's humouring aziraphale at this point, but not that he has much more interest in what aziraphale has got to say. and again! given everything that has just been said and done, from crowley's perspective, that's completely understandable.

it's the turn of the head; crowley already has his barrier up with his glasses on, but he's cutting off any remaining communication he can give to aziraphale. it's interesting that he's specifically chosen to look out of the window, where we presume the metatron is - but does crowley even see him? does crowley essentially dissociating so rapidly that he can't even see that the metatron is there? or does he see him, and think that it's of very little consequence - the metatron won, he's got aziraphale (or - aziraphale was always heaven's, anyway), and it's barely worth notice or comment?

but it's also like he's giving aziraphale another chance - another chance to change his mind. if he didn't at least have a small flicker of hope left that that might happen, it stands to reason that crowley would have simply kept on walking. but he stops, and he waits. as aziraphale keeps talking, however, he turns his head specifically as he says "together", and appears to clamp his mouth shut as he does so, as if almost to say 'it's no use saying all this, because i'm hurt and i'm angry and i'm giving up. you want us to be together only if i come back; i'm never going back, you keep pushing, so how can you so desperately want to be with me if this is the only circumstance in which you can bring yourself to do so?'

of course, then, we get aziraphale's last gut-wrenching plea that he needs crowley. it's so simple a statement, and it has no condition afterwards, nothing to qualify it - and yet it is still something that aziraphale has never said, or - to my recollection - ever expressed in this capacity. sure, he's begged him with puppy-dog eyes to make hamlet popular, or to miracle the stain out of his coat, but nothing so heartfelt and dire as this. it's as true to any love confession that i think we get in the final fifteen; especially when you consider the mirror of the line in 1862 - "i don't need you..." / "and the feeling is mutual, obviously!" - and the context in which that is said.

aziraphale has, as bravely and vulnerably as we've seen aziraphale do anything else, vocalised something as close to a love confession as he can currently get... and crowley doesn't say anything? doesn't even look at him? throughout this confession of sorts, crowley has continued to look out of the window, and whilst we know that this is likely out of self-preservation on his part, what must this seem like from aziraphale's perspective? presumably it feels like a rejection - but is that a rejection of the entire thing - the whole offer - or of what aziraphale has just told him?

in the above moment, we can see aziraphale's face clearly crumple in hurt when crowley doesn't even acknowledge what he's just said, before masking it rapidly with indignation. he then lashes out with "i don't think you understand what i'm offering you."

indenting this next bit, because i need to ramble it out:

whilst i do think (as i said in the last post), that aziraphale might genuinely believe that crowley in some small part wants to return to heaven to be an angel, crowley has quite clearly rejected, in the room, any notion of it. his repulsion at heaven, and the notion of forgiveness, is not as wishy-washy as it was at the bandstand; now, he is vehement and firm that his opinion of heaven cannot get any lower. and i think aziraphale knows it. plus, the way that aziraphale words and proposes the restoration offer to crowley feels like he was aware that it might be a hard sell. so when aziraphale says 'you don't understand what i'm offering you', i don't think that aziraphale was himself talking about the restoration specifically; i don't think he's essentially saying, 'crowley, you're being so stupid, you could be an angel again - what part of this don't you understand? do you even comprehend what i'm trying to give you, here?' what i think aziraphale is, however, offering to crowley is that he and crowley remain together. aziraphale doesn't have much of a choice in going back to heaven - that much seems fairly apparent - and the only way, as far as he sees it, that they can remain together is if they go back to heaven together. and to do that, crowley would need to become an angel. i know people have often viewed aziraphale's decision to return to heaven along of the lines of, 'he loves heaven more than he loves crowley'... but i don't think that's it at all. to aziraphale - him begging crowley to come with him, work with and help him to make a difference (i.e. the right thing to do, i.e. a difference that is meaningful to, and controlled by, them), for crowley to not even look at him when he tells him he needs him - it must frankly feel like a rejection of aziraphale himself? when aziraphale says that crowley doesn't understand what he's offering him, i think it's more along the lines of aziraphale saying that he's offering all of himself to crowley. in the hope that, even if it means crowley has to return to heaven, being together is enough to warrant it? that aziraphale himself is enough for crowley to want to do that? 'do you hate heaven more than you love me?'

this feels like a stretch, i grant you, but given everything we saw towards the beginning of the episode - especially where shax's first jibe at aziraphale is to undermine what aziraphale actually means to crowley ("emotional support angel"), something that aziraphale presumably already fears (i.e. that he's a means to an end, of sorts) - it doesn't seems implausible.

furthermore, when crowley retorts that he understands perfectly, and understands more than aziraphale does, aziraphale's reaction then makes more emotional sense. of course, from crowley's perspective, he thinks that this is about the restoration, and of course he understands more about what aziraphale is offering... because how can he not?! he is fallen, he fell, and there is no way he, someone who has gone thousands of years (potentially millions) being deemed unforgivable and irredeemable, can ever be restored like aziraphale is hoping he can. and why would he want to be? that's not something aziraphale as an angel would ever be able to fully understand; the futility of wishing otherwise, the insult, and the impossibility.

i do think that it's worth bearing in mind that canonically, the implication is that aziraphale was not there to witness crowley's fall - possibly not even the fall in its entirety. we're never shown any instance where crowley even talks about it to aziraphale. absolutely, this is evidently a delicate and (if nothing else) touchy subject for crowley, and he doesn't owe aziraphale a deeper account than the questionable "sauntered vaguely downwards". but equally, it's not fair to assume that aziraphale knows how much of a boundary he is crossing by even entertaining the idea, and pushing it.

perhaps he should have inferred it at a previous point, true, but... the closest we get to crowley talking about it is "the angel you knew is not me", and "i won't be forgiven! not ever!". it's not unrealistic that aziraphale would infer these two poignant lines as crowley being wistful for the chance at redemption or forgiveness. ultimately, in my view, it's not until the final fifteen that aziraphale begins to have even the faintest idea of just how deep crowley's antipathy for heaven runs. it's not a case of just thinking they're a bunch of dicks, but that fundamentally, crowley will never align with heaven under any circumstances.

so when crowley says this, he is absolutely saying 'i know about this subject more than you do; i am fallen, you are not, and you therefore are not able to understand like i do why being restored is not only unthinkable, but the worst outcome possible for me. it's not the good thing you think it is. i want us to be together, but you're asking for something i cannot - and will not - give you, and you don't seem to see the problem in asking me in the first place.'

but aziraphale is not thinking of this; what i think he might be hearing from crowley is, 'no no, i know you want to be together, and are offering yourself up to me with your whole heart; the issue is though that if it means i have to go to heaven to have it, to have you... it's not enough to make me do this. i don't want it; nothing and noone would warrant me doing this. you are not enough for me to acquiesce to going, and moreover you're not clever enough to understand that.'

it very quickly, i think, stops being about crowley not wanting to return to heaven - at least, not in the way they were previously discussing. instead, it feels like aziraphale is now starting to internalise crowley's reaction as a reflection on himself. which then, for me, that makes aziraphale's next line of "well... then there's nothing more to say." make all the more sense to me... because that's the kinda thing you say after things have really hit the ground, right? and i imagine, for aziraphale, hearing crowley essentially say that he's not enough would probably elicit that reaction. that crowley ultimately has no further use for him (again: "emotional support angel"), because crowley can so easily discard what they had, and so very nearly could have had. and not only that - crowley implies in his wording that, once again, whilst aziraphale is incredibly intelligent in some ways, he can also be phenomenally stupid (which turned out great the last time he said it).

aziraphale clearly tries to put a brave face on - school his expression, blink away the tears that are clearly gathering and brace his mouth against the trembling - and slap on the fakest, tightest, weakest smile. just before it switches to crowley, however, you can see the anger begin to set in; looking towards the ground, aziraphale seems like he's already given way to the feelings of disappointment and betrayal, and possibly even humiliation? that he's laid out his own heart - he thinks - so clearly, and it's being refused as if it's nothing.

now look, idk about anyone else watching this scene for the first time, but... my reaction to the part of this bit of dialogue was... not dissimilar to aziraphale's. after all of this emotional outpouring, both parties being hurt by the other, etc., it feels completely apropos of nothing for crowley to suddenly be asking if aziraphale can hear whatever he's meant to be hearing. aziraphale's reaction, to me, not only within character, but entirely reasonable; he's wound up, going through a thousand different emotions, and yet he's meant to be hearing... what? a car alarm? someone thumping out some drum and bass? of course aziraphale retorts testily, and agitatedly; they've just reached the end of an intense discussion and - as he sees it - the whimper end of six thousand years of being an 'us' in various capacities. he obviously isn't, but i can imagine that it would feel that crowley is trivialising what's just happened and, in aziraphale's shoes, i'd probably be a bit shitty - and subsequently bitchy - in my delivery too.

but of course - ha - we then get the suckerpunch of the nightingale line, and we feel the weight of it right alongside aziraphale. the poignancy and tragedy of what crowley is saying with this. there's been numerous of delicious metas regarding the motif or symbolism of the nightingale (personal favourite for me is the shakespearean link to the nightingale/lark in R&J), but in the context of the story? the context that both these characters presumably know and understand? we know about the end of s1, and it's suddenly apparent that the song was diegetic. that both of these characters recognise that the nightingale represents what they nearly - and did - have and accomplish by the end of s1.

there's no piano tinkling in the background, playing what we now understand is considered by both of them to be their song, (i still have very narrowed, suspicious eyes at 1941), to put them in a lovey-dovey mood... because this? right here? this isn't going to have a happy ending. calling attention to the sheer absence of it, figuratively speaking, only confirms for the both of them that whatever they did have - or were on the cusp of having - is gone.

moreso for aziraphale; it's abundantly clear when the finality of this hits him, evident in his dumbfounded expression that follows immediately after crowley says the line. and the way that crowley says it, how it could be perceived as incredibly nonchalant and casual (and for the audience absolutely betrays just how devastated crowley likely is in saying it), is evidently shocking for aziraphale; the notion that this is truly broken, this is done, and there is no coming back from it... and crowley already has a foot out the door already.

which is only hammered home with this:

idk, again, if this was the same for anyone else, but even upon first viewing, this felt acutely unfair. not only the idiot line, which as i've already alluded to seems to be a firm boundary for aziraphale (we'll get to 'i forgive you' in a minute huns, i promise), but the way that crowley very firmly places this whole thing upon aziraphale.

up until this point on first viewing, personally, i was content with appreciating that both of them had a good point; that their perspectives were so agonisingly polarising but had equal merit. but this does not all rest on aziraphale's shoulders; there isn't, to my mind, even any blame to assign in this whole sequence, but to my mind they are both equally accountable for the outcome. they cannot align their separate belief systems, can't align what they think is the right thing to do, but share the devastating want to be together. there's miscommunication, sure - but not enough that i think either leave each other not knowing that the other cares for them deeply. it's understandable why their paths have diverged, but both of them have been fighting for 'us' until this bitter end.

so, to then watch crowley essentially drop the blame for them not being together so squarely on aziraphale's shoulders was... frustrating, to say the least. that aziraphale is so firmly in the wrong, and that him being 'an idiot' is the only reason why they're not making out on the sofa and skipping into the metaphorical sunset right now. that - if we're being real here - if aziraphale had abandoned whatever he had considered to be the right thing to do, and followed crowley in what he wanted, what he considered right, that they'd have a future together (and that's not even taking into account the whole metatron-threat thing, but i hadn't reflected on that upon first watch).

i think the fact that crowley did this, frankly, is not lost on aziraphale. he certainly reacts accordingly; his face crumples minutely before he turns reflexively away - both away from crowley, and away from the metatron (because, lest we forget, he is still outside). it feels like what were web-like fractures spidering out across aziraphale have now suddenly cracked under the pressure, and the first piece has fallen. it makes sense that in this moment of actual physical vulnerability, something that aziraphale wasn't quick enough to school away and mask, he would turn from crowley to hide the hurt he's just handed him.

(lol are you ready bc i'm not)

sigh.

okay right; this is probably the only bit of the final fifteen sequence where, by large, my reaction to it has not changed. to be clear; i love the kiss for what it does narratively, and the delicious possibilities that it opens up in s3. i think the kiss, and their respective reactions within it, are perfectly in line with their characters. frankly, on the whole, i enjoy it for what it is.

lets start with the preceding bit, as a reminder; crowley's distraught, aziraphale's distraught, we're all distraught. crowley has said something that, to my mind, is quite frankly unfair, but understandable for him to say from his perspective. it's also the line that causes aziraphale to physically break, and he's turned away from crowley to hide himself and prevent crowley from seeing the hurt that it's caused him, the ensuing vulnerability. to my mind, by extension, aziraphale is now at a point where he thinks it's all over, that there's nothing to salvage, and that they're done. crowley certainly seemed to give that impression with his line about the nightingales, and "we could have been us."

aziraphale breaking, and turning away, evidently spurs something within crowley; that there does seem, somehow, to be some hope that aziraphale will stay, and so crowley immediately strides over to him. the thing is that after initially watching it, and then thinking on it a little more (and rewatched another six or so times), i... didn't get it? i didn't get what the point of it was. it seemed abundantly clear to the both of them that aziraphale wasn't going to change his mind, and neither was crowley (and tbh, neither of them should - and even if one of them did, it wouldn't erase the *waves around vigorously* everything that just happened), so what was the kiss meant to prove? what result was it meant to have?

it could be that there wasn't meant to be a result of any kind, that crowley was just outpouring his emotion in a make-or-break physical way. yes, absolutely, and i would think that (that it was a purely emotional action, not necessarily meant to do anything), but... when they break apart, crowley clearly appears to be waiting for something.

but i'll get to that in a minute; the point however seems to be it's aziraphale's break that kicks crowley into action. that he still has an 'in', and he can use it. aziraphale cracked, crowley sees a glimmer of hope, and does the most direct thing that comes to mind that would impress upon aziraphale just how desperate crowley is for him to change his mind.

i said in a meta a few months ago, god knows where it is now, that the whole interaction appears somewhat predatory - like, literally, in the animalistic sense. it's violent, and fast, and there's no room for discussion or manoeuvre in it; grab him by the lapels, drag him round, plant it on him, and hold him there. the dance and motion of it is almost serpentine in nature. of course, again, i absolutely recognise the desperation with which crowley is evidently acting, and there's no part of me that thinks that this is done out of anything but the most deep-seated, painful, aching love, but it's... still uncomfortable. i don't see any romance in this, personally, at all.

that doesn't diminish the romantic feelings fuelling it, however, but it's not the kind of kiss, i think, you would expect to see from someone intending to romance someone into remaining with them...? of course it's more than possible (a certainty really, depending on the hc; ymmv) that crowley has simply never kissed anyone before, and just simply doesn't know... what to do? and maybe that explains why he doesn't move, doesn't actually... do much of anything, whilst kissing aziraphale. but we know crowley has seen at least one stereotypically romantic film, and presumably has seen romantic kisses throughout history. so to me, it kinda begs the question of - if a typically-romantic, climactic, show-stopping snog wasn't the intention here, what was?

i put this in a photoset when the parallel had struck me, as they often do, at 2am; there was a huge emphasis played, in crowley and aziraphale's first truly meaningful encounter post-eden, on aziraphale's first temptation. something that he obviously enjoyed for millennia to come, and has a huge impact on him as an angel and as a person.

additionally, someone else posted at some point soon after s2 aired that the way aziraphale devours a whole bloody cow is reflective of the fact that, at the time, he didn't realise he was starving. apply this to the kiss, and we can imagine what kissing crowley would mean for him in turn. if aziraphale succumbed to the ox-rib temptation, and likely other temptations that followed afterwards, it would make sense that crowley might - might - resort to a similar method in getting him to stay, at a point when all else has failed, and crowley thinks he has no other option left.

i'm in two minds as to whether crowley meant the kiss, full-chest, to actually be a temptation (for me, it makes his characterisation even more nuanced and complex, so i'm largely on the side of it having been intentional, i'm afraid), but the way that he pulls back afterwards, and waits for the verdict, strongly suggests to me that it might have been.... waiting/hoping? for aziraphale to change his mind. that if it was a temptation, that he pulls away hoping that aziraphale will declare himself to remain on earth with crowley.

i realise the above may be a point of contention, and accept that - tbh, i just enjoy exploring the possibility. and even if crowley hadn't intended it that way, i think aziraphale certainly may have seen it that way (which again, for me, is in line with aziraphale's development starting in s1 with resisting crowley's insistence that he kill the antichrist etc.). but again i'm getting ahead of myself-

so wham, in with the kiss. aziraphale obviously reacts initially in shock (no, i don't think it's revulsion, but it's certainly surprise and likely a bit of the ole 'what the fuck'); he keeps his eyes open, his eyebrows drawn together in a frown, his posture is stiff, and his hands flail. but then... he melts into it. more than melts into it - he returns it. his eyes close, his face relaxes, and his hands come up, hesitantly and tentatively pressing into crowley's back. there does come a point during the kiss, however, where aziraphale's hands detach from crowley's back, and return to flitting around like he's unsure of what to do with them. at which point crowley finally releases him, and breaks the kiss.

a combination of aziraphale not physically pushing him away, and even proceeding to draw crowley in, with tenderness? to crowley, i can imagine he breaks the kiss hoping ever so slightly that whatever it was meant to be or convey - temptation, whatever - made aziraphale change his mind. that this last-ditch effort was enough to make aziraphale stay. he pulls back, and almost seems expectant of some kind of result.

aziraphale's immediate reaction, once the kiss breaks, is not so static. he falls back out of crowley's clenched fists, and his face takes to unadulterated heartbreak and despair, but ultimately seems to be rooted in panic...? shock? aziraphale also pointedly looking out towards the doors is telling, because i don't think it's wholly left his mind about who's waiting outside, and the position that he's now been put into - where he has to reconcile this really quite distressing experience with everything that has come before it.

by god does aziraphale cycle through some emotions here. he can't even look at crowley whilst he processes this maelstrom that's going on - sorrow, longing, confusion, and pure shock - and stumbles over his words trying, i think, to find the right ones to say. the kiss, i think, has very nearly done its job; aziraphale is clearly conflicted, but i think struggling to find a way to express that he wants this, but he still can't stay. trying to anchor himself to something, to a decision, that won't destroy himself or crowley in the process.

however, before he even gets that far, there is a really key moment where his expression abruptly changes, almost like he's realised something. in that moment, it's where he finally makes eye contact with crowley, and for an infinitesimal moment, aziraphale seems to eye him with something like... betrayal? disbelief? and that's where, unfortunately, i think the temptation element comes in, because i think aziraphale recognises it (or at least, thinks he does). and possibly recognises that, from aziraphale's perspective, crowley has resorted to something that he knows nearly always works on aziraphale, trying to force his hand into doing something that aziraphale has already expressed he will not - and presumably cannot - do.

but beyond that; i've said before whilst kisses do not feature in austen's literary works, aziraphale is hardly ignorant of the trope that a kiss - typically - in romantic fiction can carry weight as a declaration of love. has aziraphale ever idly wondered on what it would be like to have a first kiss with crowley? yeah, probably. but arguably what crowley has done is taken that - taken something that is precious, tender, meaningful, and cannot be taken back and redone - and turned it into something heartbreaking, possibly manipulative, and overall - frankly - something ugly.

aziraphale even gets a little smirk on, because in that moment i think he's genuinely angry at crowley... for any/all of the above. he seems so plainly resentful and appalled by what he thinks crowley was doing, thinking that aziraphale wouldn't see through it, and resorts to his textbook bitchiness in the guise of a sarcastic and sardonic smile. and even his body language - he exhales sharply in a small huff, his shoulders relax and his posture straightens, and he even bears his teeth slightly the smallest of snarls. and then, of course, he delivers the fatal blow of "i forgive you".

i know there have been a fair few interpretations of this line, and what aziraphale was saying with it. mine, personally, is very simple; this is how aziraphale can basically get away with telling crowley to go fuck himself. in s1, he says it in a way - responding to crowley's rather painful line about aziraphale being 'so clever, but so stupid' - that almost feels, on the surface, as if it's intended with benevolence and kindness... but is instead saying 'fuck you, that hurt. so i'm going to say this in return knowing it will hurt/annoy you in turn.'

and tbh, i don't think it's any different in this moment of the final fifteen sequence either. aziraphale is clearly hurt (once he delivers the line, you can see his face shift once again back into soft sorrow) and clearly angry. he is lashing out in a way befitting his 'bit (see: lot) of a bastard' streak, because he perceives it to be striking at something that resembles a weakness, or sore point, for crowley. it's also a clever insomuch that should anyone ever overhear him, he's being his devout angel self... but to him and crowley, it's absolutely a code that they both patently understand.

crowley then seems to just... accept that nothing has changed/it didn't work, and simultaneously rolls with the gut punch that was "i forgive you", like he's not even really surprised that aziraphale had that response to give him. he sighs, in a way that practically vocalises 'disappointed but not surprised', and succumbs to the inevitability of them not having (yet) the happy ending that he'd perhaps hoped. he turns, tosses "don't bother" over his shoulder, and leaves the shop.

i think "don't bother" could be taken multiple ways; if we accept that crowley actually knows the underlying subtext in "i forgive you", it could him saying, essentially, 'don't waste your breath, we're done/i'm going'. if he takes it literally, it could be 'i'm a demon, as you've so clearly pointed out, don't bother trying'... or 'i'm not sorry or asking for forgiveness, i did what i felt was right'.

last little bit before i close off here (i'll do an epilogue for the last bit of the sequence, up until credits roll; there's too much to try to squeeze into like two gifs and a couple of paragraphs):

when crowley leaves, aziraphale most obviously looks desperate himself, panicked, and heartbroken... i'm even somewhat sure that he's about to call crowley's name, or a simple "no" (this bit is next on my 'lipread' list) and stops himself. his lip pouts, he's breathing heavily, and whilst - by god - his eyes are a watery mess throughout the entire sequence, this is probably as close as he gets to shedding actual tears. there's still some residue confusion, like 'what the fuck just happened, that's not how that was supposed to go'.

it's clear that aziraphale is generally distressed, and he certainly looks this way... just before the point that his hand raises to his lips. the way it's so shaky, and hesitant, the wide-eyed, shocked stare before rapidly blinking, perhaps both in disbelief and also to rid himself of the tears building? and then, whilst his fingers are almost trying to imprint the kiss even more, he lowers them and reveals his face stiffening into a sneer (jaw and nose tightens, eyes become more hooded, eyebrows draw together).

now, i'm in two minds as to who this sneer is directed at - is it at crowley, because of the same reasons he may have said 'i forgive you'? or is it at metatron, for putting him in this position in the first place? honestly, i think it's the former; aziraphale seems to have almost all but forgotten the metatron, and his reaction to metatron returning to the bookshop would support that. his head turns so quickly to the door when it opens, and that hope and surprise quickly disappears when he realises it's not crowley... turns away, most likely to wipe his eyes (even possibly his mouth), before turning back to the metatron to answer as to crowley's reaction.

which - and i'll leave off with this, because it'll follow neatly into the epilogue post - seems odd. metatron has presumably seen crowley come out of the shop, and even if they don't exchange a look, let alone words, he can clearly surmise that negotiations went a bit sour if crowley has left without aziraphale... if it wasn't obvious by now, it's seems to be a very blatant, and yet artfully delivered ploy. whether the motive was to separate them out of fear/trepidation, or just simply get aziraphale back in heaven under his thumb without crowley's influence, it's clear that the metatron never intended - nor thought it plausible - that crowley would agree to return to heaven. his next lines certainly cement that thought, and i think might have registered to aziraphale too.

i'll be back at some point ciao

#good omens #feral domestic/final fifteen meta #metatron spec #aziraphale meta

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lieblingspulli · 1 year

Text

Memories in my Palm: SKZ

W.c: 3k

Bang Chan x Reader

Summary: bang chan rot. I am sad and happy and everything in between because of this.

A/n: Highly inspired by The Flower Garden (sorry Im so obsessed with Howl’s moving castle, the music is just so vividly moving I can’t resist writing when I listen to these songs 😣) and the whole ep Strawberries by Vietra. Highly recommend listening to this album on repeat while reading it! Enjoy!

Masterlist!

SKZ Masterlist

You remember the exact moment you encountered Chan for the first time. He was just a boy, running to achieve a dream that he didn’t even know the certainty of. He was at the beginning of his trainee days. You were at the beginning of your life post-high school. The both of you were seeking perfection from an imperfect experience. When you reflect back on your meeting, sometimes you feel as if it were fate. That life brought you to this boy that would become something bigger than himself.

You remember that day clearly. The sun was shining and summer had just arrived. The heat was beating down on Seoul relentlessly. You picked the nearest park you could find and figured a park would fit better than your stuffy room, still unpacked from moving.

The cool air in the shade provided a sweet refuge from the stuffy hotness of the sun. The grass tickled your legs and you smelled the sweet flowery scent of a nearby flower bush as you sat to rest in the cool shade. The sounds of conversations floated in the air idly, existing as background noise to the calmness of your day. Children played with their dogs. Grandparents encouraged toddlers to walk. Parents cooed at their children after a tumble. The chatter was loud, but it faded to a comfortable white noise.

You thought about the taste of your favorite sweet ice cream melt in your mouth as you watched a child walk by with a popsicle in hand. That same ice cream had nurtured you throughout your childhood and the taste of vanilla never failed to make you remember the times you had bought the cone from the ice cream shop around the corner. That same cone that the worker handed to you in your youth nurtured your adulthood as you moved to an unfamiliar place. Your mouth watered as you laid in the grass, careful to place your arm behind your head and contemplate how familiar yet different the environment around you felt.

There was a wave of cool air as the breeze picked up. The sound of leaves rustling tempted you into closing your eyes, singing a lullaby that eased you into a trance. Birds sang and you closed your eyes to listen. You were tempted to fall asleep right there, but some nearby voices interrupted your tranquility. You cracked an eye open.

“Dude, I don’t know what to do, I lost all my progress on my track.”

“Everything?”

“Yea, everything. I’m so screwed.”

“Hey, it’s not that bad. Do you have the original file?”

“No, that’s gone too.”

“Oh.”

“Yea.”

“Maybe I can try and help you recreate it?”

“It took me literal hours to make. I think it’ll take longer to recreate it. There were so many track layers, and I’m so stupid too. There were original beats on there that only existed on that file. Good lord.”

“Ji, breathe. It’s gonna be okay. I’ll just tell Seungmin I can’t meet with him today and I’ll help you out.”

A moment of silence.

“Chan, I can’t make you do that. You’ve got so much to do already. And Seungmin won’t be happy either.”

“It’s okay. He can deal with it. Besides, I want to help. I feel bad, I know what it’s like to lose a whole track, near completion. It’s a shitty feeling.”

“You’d do that for me?”

“Yeah man, what wouldn’t I do?” Some laughs. A soft smack.

“Thanks. I really really really appreciate that.”

“Of course. I just want to help.”

You peek around you, not moving your head to be more inconspicuous. Out of the corner of your eye, you see two boys sitting near the tree you were laying next to. They must not have seen you, considering you were behind them. The two boys seemed to be a bit lanky and awkward. One had blond-ish hair and was wearing all black, the other had chocolate brown hair and was fiddling around with his beanie in his hands. You quietly listened to their continuing conversation.

“I just feel like the songs I’m submitting are all being struck down. I’m not really sure what to change about them.”

The one with the beanie hugged his knees tightly to his chest. It seemed a bit hot to be wearing a beanie. But the same could be said for the one in black. You mentally rolled your eyes- boys. From their demeanor and way of talking, you assumed they were around the same age you were. Maybe the one in black was a little older.

“I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with them Ji. Everyone’s just gotta focus on improving right now. I mean, look at Felix. He’s trying really hard to learn a new language he’s gotta sing in. Or Seungmin. He’s tasked with working on his dance. But like I said- there’s nothing wrong with their skills, they just have room to improve.” The older boy spoke so eloquently. ‘Ji’ as he was called, just nodded solemnly and looked off in thought. Chan, whose name you gathered from their approaching conversation, nudged his friend.

“It’s just the beginning. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We haven’t even released a full album yet!” Chan giggled and you could hear the way his laugh trembled with excitement. It was contagious.

“I guess you’re right.” Chan’s friend smiled. Chan just replied, “I’ve been here for years Jisung. I know a thing or two.” You smiled as Chan smiled, but quickly caught yourself for being creepy and listening in on a private conversation. However much you told yourself it wasn’t right, you couldn’t stop listening and focusing on how Chan encouraged his friend.

Even in the uncomfortable summer heat, surrounded by too many people and feeling uncomfortable emotions, Chan managed to lift his friend up out of the dumps. You were fascinated with the way this random boy managed to match the happiness of a puppy.

The conversation went on for a little longer, but you tried not to listen in much, assuming a private conversation should stay that way. But for the rest of the day, the demeanor of ‘Chan’ left an impression on you. His smile and his ability to be a friend to lean on stuck to your memory. Even after the two boys had walked away, you replayed the way Chan had so wisely maneuvered his friend’s negative thoughts into ones seeking improvement.

That afternoon, you decided to walk away from that park and get yourself that ice cream. While eating it, you wondered if you could ever be that type of person for your friends. You resolved to be that friend, walked up to the counter, and paid for the next person after you. That summer afternoon would stick with you for a long time.

It wasn’t until you frequented that specific park that you noticed the same boy over and over again. As the summer heat died down and the leaves of the tree you sat by started to change colors and fall off, you began to notice Chan more and more. At first, it would be brief, in passing. He would walk by you as you sat on a nearby bench. Or he would be listening to some sort of music on a bench as you made your walk to your tree. But eventually, you saw him more and more, and he saw you.

One day, he even said hi as you walked by. That was a mistake. You had walked by with your ice cream in hand (even in 50 degree weather) and he was seated on a bench when you two made eye contact. At first, you resolved to just walk past, but as soon as you tried to, he looked directly in your eyes and smiled.

“Hi, how’s it going?”

You tripped on the sidewalk crack. Fortunately, you didn’t fall. Unfortunately, your ice cream did.

“Oh my gosh- I’m so sorry!”

You put your hand over your mouth and stared at the now dirty ice cream on the sidewalk. For a split second, you didn’t know whether to shake your head and say it’s okay or to be shocked that he said hi to you.

Chan had risen from the bench when you dropped your ice cream and was awkwardly sticking his hands out, prepared to catch you when you almost fell. You were standing with an empty ice cream cone. You realized that it was just silent and had to say something. You looked at Chan.

“Oh no, It’s all good, it’s cold anyway.” You awkwardly laughed and looked around, not sure what to do. Should you be picking up the ice cream with a napkin? Do you just leave it there? You were so absorbed with the sidewalk that Chan’s response startled you.

“I can get you another one, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you like that. It’s just, I’ve seen you around before and wanted to say something but I didn’t realize the sidewalk-” Chan rambled on and you stared at him wide-eyed. You blinked. The wind picked up. The napkin in your hand (from your bag of course) flew away. Chan shut his mouth and watched it fly away. It all happened so fast.

The two of you ran after it, as it was the last one in your bag and he just wanted to help. The wind took the stupid napkin down a nearby hill and unfortunately as you reached for it, you lost your balance and fell forward. Chan, being the good guy he always was, reached for your waist as you fell in front of him and he lost his balance too. The two of you ended up in a heap at the bottom of the hill. It was a large hill.

“I am so sorry, oh my god!” Chan immediately got on his knees and checked that you weren’t seriously injured. You groaned and sat on your butt, trying to pick pieces of dry grass from your hair.

“It’s fine. I’m sorry, I’m super clumsy.” You huffed and rubbed your palms, which had scraped down on the way to the bottom. Chan reached for your elbow and hesitated.

“Can I?” He wanted to check your arm. You nodded. He carefully reached and gently grabbed your palms, checking them for dirt. He blew off the debris and carefully inspected them. You winced, your palms felt raw.

“They don’t look too bad, but some ointment and a bandaid should help. Are you okay? Do you need help getting up?” Chan looked at you. He was sitting on his knees and heels, leaning close to you. He must have crawled over to you after you fell. You shook your head, feeling your mouth go dry. This was super embarrassing.

“Thanks for helping. I think I can get up.” You smiled painfully, feeling the true shock of embarrassment. You totally just dragged this guy down a super tall hill with you. For a napkin. He nodded and smiled back, revealing two deep dimples on his cheeks. Your cheeks turned red, but you looked down at your palms before he could see.

He leaned back and stood up, reaching out to help in case you needed it. You attempted to get up, but the rawness of your palms burned so bad as soon as you put pressure to get up. You hissed.

“Here- grab my forearm. Carefully.” Chan reached out with his arms and instructed you. You complied and he grabbed your own forearms from below. With a count to three and a little grunt, he pulled you up quickly. You felt a bit dizzy from the fall and sudden pull. Chan firmly held onto your arms and steadied you.

“You okay?” He gently asked. You nodded and whispered a thank you.

“Can you walk?” You blushed and nodded.

“I can try?” You smelled his cologne. He was quite close. He looked you in the eyes with pure concern for a split second before breaking a wild grin. You smiled at his tousled hair and the dirt smear on his cheek.

Chan laughed and sighed in relief.

“Good. I thought I was going to have to cart you off this grass field with a stretcher.” He let go and you instantly missed the space where his hands had been grabbing you for support. You nervously laughed.

“At least we didn’t break anything right?” You lightly joked and brushed some grass off your pants. He chuckled, the novelty and the awkwardness of the whole situation already passing by.

“I’m really sorry about that by the way.” You tried to apologize again. He just shook his head and stuck his hands in his pocket.

“Nah, I should be the one apologizing. I was the catalyst for the events that just took place.” He groaned and it was your turn to laugh at him.

“It’s okay really.” You tried reassuring him. He suddenly got shy.

“Do you want to get another ice cream? My treat.” He shyly asked. You blushed and felt your ears get hot.

“As long as we don’t eat it by the hill, sure.” You joked. He smiled and laughed. You loved when he laughed like that. His dimples were eye-catching and his eyes sparkled. He motioned for you to lead the way and followed behind you up the hill, making sure if you fell again, that he’d be there to catch you.

And here you were, about 5 years later. You and Chan were sitting across from each other on the couch that you both owned. Sitting in the apartment you shared with him. Sitting in the home you made with him. 5 years of dating later, you now shared your life with him. No more falls, no more spilled ice cream. Just him as your pillar. But all of that seemed so far away from you now.

“Babe, I wanna fix this. I feel so bad, I really want to make it up to you.” Chan leaned forward to grab your hand, but you retracted it. Whether it was from anger, or from sadness, you didn’t care to be touching him right now. He had left you waiting on him, he had promised to take you out for a self-care day. But as usual, he ran late, and then late turned into not showing up at all. It was now the next day.

Chan had turned up at your door with a bouquet of flowers and the clothes on his back. You had slammed the door in his face.

“You forgot about me Chan.” You whispered and looked down, tears dripping off your chin.

“Y/n. I’ll do better. I want to always be there for you. I want to be there when you need me and be there when you don’t. I love you. Please.” He desperately pleaded. You stared at your palms. The open windows of the apartment invited the cool summer breeze. You stared at the smooth lines on your palm, remembering the cool air you had felt when you first met Chan. The sounds of the swaying tree branches and children playing echoed in your ears.

“Y/n?” Chan carefully studied you.

You looked up at him and studied his eyes. You took in his appearance. He looked tired. He looked like he needed to shower. Like he needed to be hugged and reassured. You remembered the conversation he had with Jisung. How he turned Jisung’s negativity into encouragement. How his strong presence anchored the fleeting fear of Jisung’s mind. Your eyes softened and you reached out to hold his hands in yours. He tightly grabbed them and kissed your knuckles.

“Chan? Remember when we fell down that hill after you made me drop my ice cream?”

You smiled. He looked startled, but then his tired eyes curved with his smile. He chuckled in embarrassment.

“Yea. I felt so bad. I was just trying to get your number.” He lovingly smiled at you, a twinge of embarrassment dusting his cheeks pink. You closed your eyes and held his hand, remembering the way he tightly gripped your arms that day. You remembered the soft smell of his cologne and the grassy smell of his jacket as he handed it to you on your walk to the ice cream shop. You rubbed his hand with your thumb and laughed. You truly remembered the tone of his voice as he comforted Jisung. You deeply remembered the concern in his words as he asked if you could walk on your own.

“It’s okay Chan.” You looked up and he searched your eyes for any sort of anger. You smiled at him, and thought of all the times he had comforted you, or comforted anyone in his life. You realized then that all he truly wanted was to take care of the people he loved, even though he drew from an empty cup himself. You got up and he got up too, sighing as you hugged him close. You wanted to be that person for him, whenever he needed it the most.

Feeling his hands, feeling the memories of your meeting in your palms, it made you remember the promise you made to yourself to be a pillar for anyone you knew. This wasn’t about you anymore. This was him too. So, instead of you, you chose the both of you. You chose him and you chose his well being.

“It’s okay Channie. I’m here for you. I’ll always be.” You whispered and you pulled away slightly to kiss his cheek.

Chan’s concerned face turned into one of deep relief and deep exhaustion. Tears formed at the corners of his eyes and you wiped them for him as they fell.

“I love you so much Y/n. I just wanted to help.”

His words echoed those of the words he had spoken five years ago.

“Channie. Let me help you. You do so much for everyone, I think it’s time you get help too.” You gently told him and you held his face in your palms, glad that he had helped to heal them all those years ago.

He nodded and closed his eyes, accepting your love and patience. You kissed his lips and he melted into your embrace. You held his face in your hands, ready to always keep the memory of him in your palms.

#skz #straykids #skz x reader #skz x y/n #skz x you #bangchan #bang chan #chan #chan x you #leeknow #changbin #hyunjin #jisung #felix #seungmin #jeongin #lovestay #you make straykids stay #goodnight!

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blankticket · 24 days

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7, 17, 19

7) If you could “borrow” one aspect of Vash and apply it to yourself or your own life, what would you borrow?

plant powers tbh. wrt the lifespan thing, for the record im pretty staunchly anti-immortality anti-singularity etc. bc as i've made vash say as much, none of us will need forever. plus any sorta tech like that if it's ever possible is going to prioritize, if not exclusively save, those who can afford such a thing. but anyway the idea that i would get to live for as long as i want is appealing.

i'm not thinking of a longer lifespan as a safety net for failures, cause i think i'd appreciate being imperfect with a longer lifespan, but rather thinking of it in terms of how i could then guarantee there's more good that i'll be putting out into the world. i'd probably have to take a page out of vash's book and travel around a lot so that people don't realize the same 20-something's been around for centuries but eh. idk maybe my feelings would change 300 years in, who knows

17) Why do you think you connect to Vash?

made a face like i licked a lemon reading this question bro i wont lie. the same reasons i connect to vash are the same reasons i avoided trigun for many many years. i was afraid (trigun maximum) vash's character would hit too close to home. particularly the twin stuff, even before knowing that vash would lose his own brother, too—being a lifelong lone twin myself. in comparison to maximum, stampede emphasizes much more on the twins, and even besides that, a lot of vash's deal in stampede feels uncannily similar to my own experiences. um you ever bump into a fictional character you feel completely #read by and just want to fucking run and leave and forget for as long as you can. well. yeah it was like that except now i'm much more able to handle this shit so i'm here now

sharing the same personality as him (in vash so far i definitely see a lot of who i used to be as well, when i was so much more of a self-deprecating people-pleaser bc i believed so much in my own worthlessness), the twin bereavement thing, wearing glasses (myopic deadeye), preferring revolvers (when he spun the cylinder while loading bullets in i was like omgg hes just like me fr), thinking nicholas d wolfwood is hot, all these connections definitely inform my interpretation and portrayal of vash. and i kin the guy but that's obvious enough

19) If you had to judge Vash and sentence him to a “fair” fate, what would your judgment be? Would you punish him? Reward him? How?

ok in my opinion. and also this is going to sound hilariously ridiculous without the context of trigun maximum but whatever. it looks like orange is ultimately going to turn vash into a giant apple tree or otherwise use the last of his lifespan to save his brother. i'm not completely set on how i feel about that, given that not even a little teaser for the final phase season is out yet! but for how i feel right now at least, i think that fate is pretty fitting. can't say whether that's exactly either a reward or punishment though

spirale-wise it's so much harder to say lol, i'm not writing vash keeping an ultimate endpoint in mind or ever considered one for him…

hm. well, if i come up with something, it'll be a hypergiant challenge deal. i have considered doing something like that for him 2 years after last year's giant challenge, to mirror how in-canon the timeskip is 2 years post-julai. but idek if i'll still be writing him by then. stay tuned?

#thank you for sending this in #answered asks.#out of character.#hollowfaith

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foreverburningstar · 9 months

Text

nowhere to be found

how can someone find me or even stumble upon me when i can barely find myself i hide myself away so that i am nowhere to be found

i hide myself away while i watch the rest become a puzzle, a complete set while im still just a singular piece, forlorn

i hide myself away for the reason of the fear of being a part of a charm bracelet and im the piece that always breaks off, nuisance

i hide myself away when i feel myself becoming the card with no moves while being in a deck of cards that are constantly in motion, desolated

i hide myself away when i realize i am just a caterpillar in a group of wonderful butterflies, underdeveloped

i hide myself away when being in a group of beautifully sung notes turns into

feeling like I’m the wrong one, guilt

i hide myself away when the shame of being a bird who is grounded forced to stay on the ground by fears while the rest fly, the rest feel the fresh air, the rest experience freedom, suppressed

so, once more

i hide myself away when in a set of 10 nails i am the one that’s broken, chipped, and imperfections on display, unsightly

how can i belong? how can i become someone that does not feel the sorrows of displacement when im nowhere to be found?

i can not continue on like this for much longer, won’t this consume me? who would wish someone a life full of misplacement in this form? i am just another who wants a place

a place to be a place to exist a place to be unapologetically me

#val’s poetry #val’s writings #wow a second one!#original poem #poetry #again idk if this counts as poetry

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thatbanditqueen · 1 year

Note

THAT CHAPTER 2 UPDATE WAS EVERYTHING! The way the push and pull between them is so strong and how he doesn’t know when to quit playing the mind games and how he might even do it subconsciously but Becky ain’t about to be about that. What is his problem offering her money at the end, men are such idiots, I got so upset for her!!! I can’t wait for the next update, seeing him possibly meet Ruth who is just like her mama in the stubborn sense and is protective of her but Elvis might get on with her. Big Daddy Elvis is everything and I love that she’s young but not so young (19,20,21) that she’s naive and innocent about everything. She’s a 27 year old woman who takes care of her daughter and gets her shit done ✅ and when he called her thick and kept touching her butt I melted (more specifically because people never call me skinny bc i’m not but at the same time i can’t call myself big necessarily because then friends i have that are a bit bigger get upset with me so im at that awkward stage where i am not toned at all and i jiggle but unless its sexualized ppl just wave u off my insecurities probably make no sense sorry) moving on then he gets insecure about being bigger and she reassures him and he was so jealous when she was playing the guitar with another man he has a fox and he’s not gonna be able to tame her the way he does those other girls!

Dear Anon,

Hey sweet lady/person/earth-bound mortal, thank you for telling me your thoughts about this chapter. I fuck myself in the head when I am writing so i really appreciate you. I read that Elvis really used to do that shit, yes, he would give people gifts like cars, jewelry, etc. But, at least according to those he left behind, he would just give women who he was seeing money. And random strangers every now and then. And they would take it. I think I might have, cuz I need it, but I am not sure, I would have felt dirty, especially if we were in a sexual relationship. And I also like to pay for things, I hate how some guys pay for everything on a date but then act entitled. So yeah, Becky is a grown up - she is still finding herself, in many ways, she feels like she zoomed ahead in time and hasn't figured out a lot things people her age usually have bc she got knocked up young, but even then, she pulled up her big girl pants and did what needed to be done, which is kind of her attitude. I love OCs who are imperfect but still beautiful, bc i just feel i relate more , they're thick, stubborn, strong, and know themselves, at least somewhat, even if they sometimes also bend to a man, they cannot completely subsume themselves... or go baack and forth... are you living in my head? Bc the next chapter is all about Elvis getting to know Ruth and Becky's family :) Raise a glass for us thick girls, and keep in touch - i love knowing what resonates with y'all, it really does help me decide how to write what comes next...

xoxoxoxox

norahhhhhhhhhhh

#elvis presley #elvis fanfiction #big daddy elvis #bandit queen asks #lots of love

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albino-whumpee · 2 years

Text

Caretaker had just woken up. Their morning coffee was still brewing and the mighty headache was just starting to become worse. They were tired and they felt blank. It was an emptiness they couldn’t describe with words. Thus, they stared at their empty cup of coffee.

They weren’t alone on that feeling, huh? Even whumpee has felt that way when they rescued them, months ago. Battered and their eyes lost in a void it took so much of Caretaker themself to fill. It was evil…or was it? Was it so evil to think they had given so much of themselves to an empty void that wouldn’t give back?

They were too tired to think about it. They just wanted to have their coffee before starting yet another day of pouring themselves into another.

Caretaker barely even moved when they heard steps behind them. Like a ghost, whumpee scurried through the apartment’s halls as if it wasn’t an allowed existence. However, this time was different. Whumpee was still careful to not make too much noise, but they spoke.

“C-Caretaker, good morning!” there was cheerfulness on their voice and somehow Caretaker felt disgust at themself for finding it annoying.

“Morning” they simply replied, looking up to the coffee pot starting to pour. They noticed whumpee was holding something on their hands but decided against asking. Whatever workshops they got whumpee to try were useless attempts when they just panicked on the train or ended up in the bathroom having a panic attack.

Of course, they had told them again and again it was alright. The feeling of someone´s eyes following whumpee, the steps behind them they swore they heard in an empty streat and the memory of Whumper´s touch still lingered in Whumpee´s body and Mind.

It would take time and effort to heal.

It had been almost a year already...

“Caretaker, you came back late yesterday so I couldn´t give it to you earlier, I don´t know if it´s ok for me to...” whumpee stopped talking to kneel, but Caretaker caught them by their wrist and harshly pulled them up. It was almost a reflex now.

Whumpee´s cheeks flushed red “I-Im sorry-!”

Caretaker groaned before roughly rubbing their eyes with their free hand.

“What do you want Whumpee?” they growled without intending to.

Whumpee looked at them with terrified eyes.

Again...They had made some progress. Why did a single accidentally harsh sentence made them regress so much?

An anger at themselves boiled inside Caretaker´s stomach as whumpee weakly tugged their wrist back and they let go, only to see their fingers printed on Whumpee´s skin.

They stayed quiet for a moment then.

Something inside them was battling the need to apologize. Rotten resentment, Caretaker cursed to themselves in a sigh.

“I´m sorry, Caretaker” whumpee suddenly went, their arms finally going down. Carefully the set something next to Caretaker´s cup.

Caretaker stared blankly at the uneven pottery cup in front of them. It had scratches covered with paint that tried to be fancy embroidery but because of the inexpert hands that made it, it didn´t look but a messy string of red paint.

“It´s not pretty and you can break it if you don´t like it, but I made this for you...” Whumpee muttered with their hands neatly clasped together. Caretaker looked up at Whumpee wtih a blank face and they saw the shock and then sorrow when Caretaker simply stared at them in complete silence. “I´m sorry” they apologized nervously.

Something in their face told Caretaker they expected them to jump to say something to comfort them, but when they didn´t and simply looked back down to the handmade cup, Whumpee gulped.

“I´m sorry” they apologized before turning to their room, closing the door quietly behind them.

Caretaker didn´t watch them go away, they were staring at the cup in their hands. Twisting it this way and that and finding more and more imperfections.

They wanted to be proud of Whumpee. They truly wanted to go and hug Whumpee and tell them it was great they had managed to do go back to their studio after such a long time. That they were thankful the first thing they did after this long was for them.

But the only thing they could do was pour their coffee on the imperfect cup hoping it wouldn´t break on them.

#bad caretakers #whump #caretaker #whumpee #idk how to tag this help #writing

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ravenkinnie · 7 months

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hello! :) I’m sorry if this too intimate to ask but you kind of implied the escort Au was a way for you to process and express certain things as well? May I ask what inspired you to write it? Reading it feels like a lot of emotions are sitting in it but it still has this mysterious air around it…like not fully knowing what the characters are going through only that they find a sort of solace in each other. I think that’s very beautiful

honestly a big part is exactly the summary, i wanted to write about sex in a way that of course includes smut but largely focuses on everything that surrounds it besides desire and attraction - about the need to be close with people and physical touch, these sort of intricacies of how it consists both of something real and raw but can still be a performance, a facade. because it was always meant to be a shorter story with a focus on romance I leaned into what those things feel like rather than how they would be examined, there are I think few moments where caitlyns narration says that she doesn't know what X means but she knows where that feeling lives

a more direct was honestly "my lesbian experience with loneliness", where specifically nagata kabi describes hiring an escort to lose her virginity with and all the awkwardness and weirdness that comes with that experience and then how afterwards she said goodbye to the girl and realised she didn't really want to sleep with her, what she wanted was a hug. I've always had a fascinating and troublesome relationship with sex so I love stories that examine what it can mean and also that show this imperfect but still good reality of it which is why across 30k words they only successfuly fuck 3 times with like 6 attempts

so thats why I think it comes off the way you described, that there's a sense that they are going through something but not through what exactly and find solace in each other - there's backstory and details there that flesh out why they are in this place emotionally that they are in but the focus is shifted from examining those exact things onto how that affects how their intimacy develops

so there's a small background of caitlyns neuroticism, her loneliness and isolation, the pressure she feels in her life and a strained relationship with her mother, there's jinx and the wee sketch of her messy family relationships, her job and mental illness that she hides away for herself, how she keeps parts of her life separated from each other and doesn't let caitlyn be the aspect that weaves them together - which combined with class differences is this tension that doesn't boil over because i don't care for act three breakups but constantly simmers under the surface

because another thing i wanted to focus on, and the reason the second part exists, is those troublesome odd beginnings of relationships, when there's so much you know is hiding there but you just don't knwo what it is yet and how scary it is to navigate that. which is also why not everything is neatly wrapped up by the end I guess, because even years later you will be still peeling off layers to discover more and more, this longterm gradual process that i only touch the basic initial layers of

honestly i could have written it as a proper novel length multichapter and explored those things much more in depth and better but because I chose to do in those shorter forms there are things that can feel unexamined but im happy with how complete of a story it is for what I set out to do

lalala obligatory context link

#asks #caitjinx

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soldier-poet-king · 1 year

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Hey, do you by any chance have thoughts or feelings about Palamedes Sextus and/or Camilla Hect?

BOY DO I EVER [blanket warning for ntn spoilers]

where do i even START

fictional librarians/archivists/secretaries any sort of information professional are my FAVE thing, the brain is like 'oh shit that's me!' my undervalued work that im so passionate abt!!! so ofc sixth house was immediately my fave even before we knew anything about them

and then we met them properly and im just??? these serious dedicated nerds but who are also so witty and fun and just?? i love them yr honour???

the CODEPENDENCY OF IT ALL. is it perhaps...unhealthy... maybe.... but the absolute inseperable-ness of 'cam-and-pal'

on that note. like their relationship is very much a both/and. bear with me as i go on a tangent here for a sec. christianity is a both/and religion. jesus is both man and divine. god is both male and female [and neither], humans are both body and soul. etc etc etc. im obsessed with this. the cav-necro relationship is a both/and. the 'one flesh one end' is clearly a play on christian wedding tradition and 'the two become one flesh' etc etc etc whether or not the cav-necro dynamic is romantic or not. but cam and pal dont just leave it there. they love each other so much. they are SO interconnected that they surpass the joining of the flesh and join souls. they do what is deemed impossible and merge fully into paul. they are inseperable in every single way now and for forever.

like i was melancholic and weird and Romantic even as a kid and one of those things abt christianity that always bothered me was the 'til death do us part' thing. like. well. what if i dont WANT death to part us? the whole gospel bit about a widow marring her BIL, then who's wife is she in heaven and jesus is like oh we'll be like angels and there'll be no taking of spouses. like OBVS that is lowkey vague and no one really knows what that'll mean after death, and it doesn't preclude reunion with loved ones after death. but my dumb sensitive ass is out here like. nah. nah. i am COMMITTED, i am ride AND die bitches. mutual commitment for eternity or dont bother. so, personally, selfishly, paul being the impossible merging of souls just. does Smthn To Me*

THAT BEING SAID. paul is also a tragedy masked as a triumph and a triumph masked as a tragedy. the two become one but also, the two become one and one is the loneliest. when they were an imperfect lyctor body sharing in the first part of ntn it was sad because they could never talk to each other again, never see each other smile, things would never be the same. and that's somewhat very briefly alleviated when pal is puppeting naberius, but that was never a tenable long term solution. and so paul is born. and is a triumph because they've done what is necromantically impossible and theyve both survived and are able to go on. but it's a tragedy because theyve both also died. there is no more cam-and-pal, pal-and-cam. they're together forever as paul, but they're also, in a way, separate forever. they'll still never see each others smiles, or share a joke, or what have you. im never ever going to be over this and i think abt them Every Day and it Hurts

speaking of paul. t muir is specifically out here killing me bc one of paul's most famous verses, esp in the context of relationships, is 1 corinthians 13 and everyone always quotes the whole 'love is patient love is kind' at weddings (COMPLETELY out of context bc it's not abt romance, but i digress). but the BEST PART of that chapter is hands down "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known". which like. personally. my fave verse. it's also EXTREMELY cam and pal. and it's also EXTREMELY sixth house in general

speaking of sixth house in general, truth over solace in lies is my FAVOURITE house motto. for many reasons, some of which are related to the above, but also because for years and years now my whole thing, my reason for existing, and surviving and keeping going has been 'the shire is saved but not for me'. it's the idea of duty and obligation over all else. its the fact that i must wake up every day and choose Goodness even if it never chooses me back. it's that i have to devote my life to serving this ideal of The Good, no matter the personal cost, and regardless of whether i have any hope of redemption for myself, any hope of reward at the end. i must choose The Good even if i get absolutely nothing in return. it is worth it for it's own sake. even when it is difficult, and solace in the lies of comfort would be so much easier. it's about BurdensTM chosen with eyes wide open and devotion to causes that maybe are doomed from the start but you choose them anyway. it's about abstract ideals over personal comfort and feelings, no matter how strong those feelings may be. i can't say more on this. it means too much. but it's a string than runs through everything that is important to me

OK IM GONNA STOP IM SO SO SORRY HERE'S SOME SIXTH HOUSE RAMBLES BC I LOVE THEM

*yes ye caveats abt theology and how im so single so what do i know about how marriage really works and also this is the lesbian space necromancer book and not a source of divine inspiration but also. im right

#UHHHH #long post #IM SO SORRY #ntn spoilers #camilla hect #palamedes sextus #tlt paul

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w0rped-moss · 1 year

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tell us about something you love!

you don’t even UNDERSTAND how much I can ramble about that hollowed knight. read more because Im gonna go crazy

hollow knight is an indie metroidvania game released in 2017. it’s about bugs. the player is a little guy only referred to as “the knight” or “little ghost” (that is a reference to the fact that you are small). the game takes place in the kingdom of Hallownest, which was once a thriving kingdom but has now been basically completely destroyed by a plague. the main mission is to find the three dreamers in three different places, fuck em up, then beat up the hollow knight, who was created to stop the infection

you and the hollow knight are the same type of thing, a vessel. They’re these fucked up little guys that are the kids of the king and queen of Hallownest and then got thrown into the abyss to be absorbed by the void. all but three are dead by the beginning of the game, and you can see their shells scattered throughout the game. Vessels were created to stop the infection, which was caused by a funky moth goddess lady who’s also the sun called the radiance. I’m gonna go crazy about her later. The reason they needed a vessel is because the infection preys on emotions. As the king himself says in a flashback sequence, “no mind to think, no will to break, no voice to cry suffering” which he believed made them immune to the infection, and therefore could contain the radiance herself. Unfortunately, although its unclear exactly how the king knew, but only one of the vessels was “perfect”. That was the hollow knight. You escaped the abyss and left Hallownest after the hollow knight was chosen. However, the vessel wasn’t perfect. It’s unclear if the vessel was always imperfect, or if the king caused the imperfection, but I believe it was the king because I like it. In a six second cutscene after finishing the hardest section of platforming in the entire game, you see the king and the hollow knight sitting together. The king looks at the hollow knight, and then everything goes white. My personal theory is that despite how much the king needed to think of the vessels as objects, he still thought of the hollow knight as his child, which caused it to gain feelings, and then could be effected by the infection.

Hallownest is also full of a bunch of places that are really cool from a lore perspective, like how there’s several giant corpses in the kingdom’s outskirts. One is the king’s corpse, though he has two. One is his bug form in the palace, and one is his wyrm form, which he shed when he arrived. The king is also the founder of hallownest, which is stated by the characters. This is shown as just the nature of the wyrms by the character of Mr mushroom, who says that “wyrms pull bugs into their thrall”. There’s also the coliseum of fools, which is built in the shell of a big thing. It’s unknown what the hell this thing is. There’s a weird spider thing in the ancient nailmaster’s house, there’s queen Vespa’s corpse. There’s also a lot of lore implied in the story, through the ghosts and the important characters. Like there were five great knights, and only two of them are alive. One of the ghosts attacked the king and got fucked up. Gorm.

there are a lot of npcs that i love. There’s cloth, a cicada trying to find a battle to die in, there’s tiso, who tries to find the coliseum and fucking dies, there’s zote who dies, there’s the nailmasters who have beef, there’s the nailsmith who’s in gay love with one of the nailmasters, theres quirrel, who was the assistant of one of the dreamer, theres elderbug who ruins speedruns, theres a bunch of little freaks, theres myla. im still sad about her and there’s Hornet, who’s your half-sister (the king is a whore) and the protagonist of the companion game silksong which is hopefully coming out this year.

im talking about the societies now. fuck you. There’s only one still-functioning town in Hallownest, which is dirtmouth. It’s the entrance to the whole kingdom. Deepnest and the mantis tribe technically aren’t a part of the kingdom since they never accepted the king’s rule (tho the mantis tribe was chill with him. they hung out. to me). The mantis tribe likes you if you can beat up their leaders, who are three sisters. Then they think you’re pretty epic because they respect fighting. There’s also the abandoned town in the forgotten crossroads and the cities. you can go into the sewers. there’s a poop boss. I love him. dung defender is my best friend. the Deepnest village WAS full of weavers and other spider people but the weavers fucked off.

then there’s the moth tribe. The radiance was originally the god of the moth tribe, though they abandoned her for the pale king. My theory about it is that the radiance only appeared in dreams and the king was right there. so she got pissy about it and made a zombie virus.

OH there’s also dlcs and they’re cool one of them has grimm and I like grimm I think he is neat. he’s a scary vampire looking bug with fire powers who talks like someone who’s smoked a thousand cigarettes a day for thirty two years. The other one is Godseeker and she likes to fangirl about the bosses. it’s basically just a boss rush but there are two new endings so that’s neat.

there’s more shit I can talk about but I’m done now

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brawlqueen · 2 years

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Selective, Canon Divergent Mizuki Date formerly, Mizuki Okiura, of AI: The Somnium Files Series.

Exploring subjects of: Grief, Never Having a Childhood, Piecing Broken pieces together, Living with a broken heart, Unflinching courage and desire to be kind even with a mouth full of teeth, Love with nowhere to go but searching all the same, Innocence Lost, Choosing your own family, loss, trauma, abandonment and coping / lack of coping with abuse while discovering who you, yourself are. Friendship and coming into your own self and learning slowly but surely what genuine love really means when it’s given. Not everything is a battle. Not everyone is an enemy who will hurt you, you won’t always be alone. Beating up old perverts and bad guys though?

.....With your overpowered strength you’re definitely alone on that one.

may you grow healthy and happy.

Written by Lily 25+, she/her, minors dni / personals dni, rules WIP! SPOILERS AHEAD!

RULES.

Thanks a ton for reading this now bear with me as I get this out if the way! Please call me Lily, and it’s nice to meet you!

Out of Character p.sd by ariapsds / supersources!

Minors and personals dni please. Reblogs from personals / non roleplay blogs will result in a block.

I will have various routes or verses and am completely open to crossovers! I tend to cherry pick AINI as I have my own gripes with it, but still very much enjoyed its improvements in some areas, and pitfalls in others. So I’ll follow things to a point but also do my own thing, so please be patient with me. I also will adapt my canon about it with other AITSF roleplayers so we can meet a middle ground as we all likely have some divergencies and our own takes!

Communication is really important to me! I primarily use discord, so please feel free to IM me, if we hit it off, because you will 99.9 percent find me there for plotting, chatting and just chilling out. Also I tend to initiate as best I can, but while there’s no due date on ooc replies, I do tend to wait a little bit if there’s no reply for a while, since I figure as we all have lives, I don’t wanna burden the person I’m chatting with! That said, please always feel comfortable to let me know about something you want to talk about in our writing, our messages, or keeping or dropping threads. It really, truly, genuinely won’t hurt my feelings. I’m not weighing your interactions / speed or judging you.

Mizuki may look simply short and sharp-tongued, but her superhuman/supernatural strength is on another level. In both ability, regenerative properties and sheer agility, strength to lift and crush things, jump, leap, survive, endurance etc, is far beyond what a human being could or should, really. This of course is elaborated on down my rules but do not underestimate her as I will not hold her back, she is ridiculously overpowered and it is NOT EASY to take her down as we don’t know her full capacities since she grows stronger each year of her life, but certainly not impossible at all for her to lose we just gotta plot it out! plotting is always always encouraged, naturally! just think of her as some weird unstoppable weapon of a detective, sci-fi series. She is not afraid to fight whatsoever to defend her loved ones and innocent people, and for now, is just focusing on not breaking a mug from sheer grip. I do follow the Horadori Institute Genome Editing, but minus Mizuki being a clone, and it’s elaborated below.

Crossovers are awesome, I said it before that you don’t have to have a muse from the Somnium Files to be welcomed here, OCs and Multimuse blogs are just as important. I can be selective but really I love just about any interactions of all kinds!

I think it’s safe to say since I’ll be having a lot of verses, that I will be making sure Mizuki, without being spoiler heavy, is given the spotlight I felt she deserved far more than she got. I also firmly will have verses where her father figure, imperfect but very loved by her, trauma issues aside, is mentioned as being present in her life because let’s face it both were done extremely dirty after the Mizuki route, which I felt should have been canon at least in the relationship set up, transferred to Resolution Route as the canon end in the OG. It isn’t so much that these two are my favorite family unit, but that they were nerfed so badly back to square one in this game, that it hurt the story quite a bit and Mizuki already has gone through way too much to have that on her shoulders also, and frankly Date, if you know you know, didn’t really deserve that.

Some verses though he will be involved in the Explosion route instead of a mentor figure to her in some verses, and you’ll see how Mizuki takes that. Which is to say not well at all. :’) Something we didn’t see in AINI, which is probably my biggest gripe, the nerfing of relationships / development from the first game of the characters

While I’ve looked at the tags, various places and this is the common consensus on Mizuki being a ‘clone’ it’s just not gonna be a thing here nor is Bibi. That completely nerfs any of her development, takes away the message of ‘found family’ so heavily themed in the original game, AITSF, and pretty much takes away her identity as a solid character in it, and also retcons a lot of what happened with her biological family. I will have ideas and try to figure out her ‘superhuman strength / combat ability’. I’ll follow along with the Horadori Institute experimenting on her as a baby, but not to make a clone.

Something like Shoko, who repeatedly calls Mizuki abnormal etc, to Date, maybe saw an opportunity while she was a baby to see if she could ‘fix’ her, and that’s how Chikara got a hold of her in some verses. Not even for prestige or connections, just desperation and a likely unstable mind wanting to fix a child she frankly never wanted. I don’t know what other Mizuki blogs are doing about this if there are any, so I’ll try to keep brainstorming but for me, unless there is a good reason, the main detractor of Mizuki’s protag status / relevance in the story is Bibi, and trust me, I love Bibi dearly as she really grew on me as a character and I wish she was better utilized -- and I saw Marco!

Some verses like in AISTF, I’ll have Mizuki’s god like OP superhuman abilities never explained. Other times? She’ll never lose her eye and just decide to be a detective to avenge her Dad and Kizuna and everyone who got hurt without having an AI-ball.

Most of the time for continuum, she has lost her left eye, despite Date’s best efforts and the others, and will probably post game share Aiba with Date, as if there is an AI3, I’d like someone made for Mizuki herself, if she appears again. Which I sure hope she does, even though Aiba is her family too, and they do get along well together, as Aiba takes the seat as a more nurturing, protective figure for someone made of seaweed.

Mizuki is not sugary sweet. She is traumatized back to back to back. I will not sugar coat themes of abuse in all its forms, neglect from parents, the negative reactions from trauma that for Mizuki, never seems to end, and the slow journey of accepting a parent that chose you out of love even if he’s imperfect and doesn’t always make the best choices with her, the point is, one person in the world tries, and it’s Date. I borrow a lot from the Mizuki route even if their relationship seemed to go backwards in Res route.

So Mizuki essentially is very much bite and fight. She’s snarky, she can be rude, she’s mature beyond any preteen or teenager should be, she’s fiercely protective of her loved ones, she’s guarded and cagey around affection or compliments, she’s angry, very angry, and also very kind. She’s a broken girl trying to find out where she fits and the pain of her life never seems to end, something continued in Nirvana Initiative. I want to explore all these traits and feelings negative or positive, but be warned, she’s more likely to verbally eviscerate a muse or be her guarded, but actually genuinely kind self, buried beneath layers of trauma just as much.

Note that a lot of themes in this game, as Mizuki is a detective in her teens, more aptly put a Pysncer / Special Agent, that I do not reflect beliefs or opinions of everything my character does, as we are both separate individuals. While I can empathize with Mizuki for personal reasons, that hardly means the premise of the story or base foundations or plots or actions of the characters I necessarily condone.

Honestly a lot of my verses you’ll see more detail and info on what’s going on in each as I want to have lots of ideas with her! I want her to get what I felt she didn’t in AINI despite also seeing some positive things also!

No drama, bullying, homophobia, transphobia, bigotry, racism, drama, godmodding / meta-gaming etc. If I don’t see someone acting like a decent human being or fair it’s a bye from me.

Also all icons coloring psd wise were by sunnypsds, promo, icon border and header done by @ganymakes / @colnerys (DO NOT STEAL PLEASE) and the caps are all done by me. Please do not steal!

I know this is a lot, but thanks a ton if you read even half, I really appreciate it. I hope we can have tons of fun together and don’t be a stranger!

important links: stance on mizuki’s portrayal / storyline changes.

blogroll: @goldspun + ind. selective, fandom friendly oc. highly selective / low activity: @unvergangliche + ind. selective frieren of sousou no frieren.

#𝐏𝐒𝐀 *ೃ༄ do you wanna get your ass kicked?#𝐎𝐎𝐂 *ೃ༄ what looks gone but comes back even stronger.

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