hcs - enha as college students

notes: this isn't even an x reader (it may be in the future 👀) lmao, this is all lighthearted and i by no means intend to insult or deface any of the enhas or see them fr fr this way

heeseung: comp sci major w/a music minor

deep down would definitely want his degrees to be the other way around

but he would probs realize cs just leads to more of a stable job (not with ai on the rise tho 😍 we love going into a doomed field of study)

(as a cs kid i’m ABSOLUTELY projecting onto my little headcanons about him)

i think..he’d be a NORMAL person that enjoys programming more than learning abt computer hardware or theory

seeing as he’s normal he’d HATEEEEE object-oriented programming (the complex part of programming OUGHGG)

he’d probably know exactly what to minor in for his dream job: music production

he’d DEFINITELYYY be in the school orchestra as a piano

he’s not mysterious enough for a bass, annoying enough for a violin or trumpet, or quirky enough for a cello

he’s an attention whore he wouldn’t even LOOK at the violas 💀

but yeah overall i think he’d know his plans for the future down to a T

probs has an internship at microsoft (derogatory)

now for the most important question

would he be a tech bro?

absolutely NOT

for those that aren’t as familiar with tech bros

just imagine a redditor alpha male with horribly gelled hair that brings the LOUDEST gaming pc to class with a horribly oiled, light-up keyboard, and makes sleazy comments about the one or two girls in every comp sci class

in other words: a woman in cs’ worst nightmare (send help i’m one of TWO girls in a class full of tech bros.)

but yeah he wouldn’t be like that at all

he’d definitely suck at rizzing up women (bro plays LoL in 2023, the year of our lord, need i elaborate?)

i can easily imagine him coming into class with gray sweatpants, a white t-shirt and flannel over, and a double-shot coffee from starbucks every day

he’d probably be the most decent-looking dude in every cs-related class i can’t even lie

for the dudes reading this: if you ever need an ego boost, do basic self-care and dress well (maybe even put on basic makeup), and join a cs class

the amount of mid ass incels with no concept of self-care will immediately make you the most attractive man in the class i kid you not

neways enough of me projecting 💀

as a music student

i could absolutely see him eat up every composition assignment (where you compose your own piece of music)

although i feel like he’d have a teacher that prefers classical music that’d be PISSED every time he submits something non-conventional

omg imagine him composing a whole dubstep instrumental for class

if the music production thing doesn’t work out he’d start a band with a bunch of losers in his dad’s garage and make horrible music that’d still get a decent amount of listens and attention bc he’s hot

it’s giving fallout boy but not emo

maybe shitty indie at best

more utc !

jay: english major w/a philosophy minor

first of all

his ass would NOT know philosophy is mostly math before signing up

i don’t think he’d be bad at math at all but he’d fs be regretting it all

but then he’d debate dropping out until whoop there’s only a semester left until it’s over. too late.

he’d dress up for every class for SUREEE

one word: beige.

he IS light academia pinterest

studyblr WISHES it was him fr

macbook user. i don’t need to explain.

he’d probably have his life together on the outside

bullet journal and aesthetic notion and all

i feel like he’d prefer discussions and deep thought (hence the philosophy) and debates over analysis

he’d LOVE discussing his thoughts abt different texts in class

he would NOT like writing out analyses abt random ass stories tho (hs english was a NIGHTMARE)

argumentative essays are his BITCH fr

i think he’d lose points for focusing more on broader concepts and going just a tad too off-topic in analytical essays, instead of focusing on details and cause-effect relationships and all that

now for the important part: his life outside of college

ik for a FACT he’d be the most likely to have a thriving social life outside of school out of all of enha

don’t @ me it’s not my fault the rest of them are MAIDENLESS – heeseung plays LEAGUE for crying out loud !!

probably goes out to the mall or new attractions like museums every weekend

even tho he minors in arguably one of the hardest fields of study ??

bro would finish up calc III homework in less than an hour 🤯

i bet he’d be there on a scholarship too 😒lucky ass

jake: international relations (global politics) major, no minor

note: ik the average writer would probs make him a physics major but that’s BOOOORING and overdone, plus i just don’t see it 🤷

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT NOTE !!! IR ≠ political science !!! IR focuses on politics around the world, pol sci is more of how internal governments work

(i’m also heavily projecting here bc i’m a politics student send your prayers please and thank you)

i pity IR majors

this boy is TIRED 25/8

tbh the thing with IR isn’t that the content’s hard

a (paraphrased) quote from my IR teacher: “political scientists are lazy, all they do is come up with generic concepts and slap an ‘-ism’ at the end”

it’s moreso the reading and writing.

god the reading.

politics textbooks are so big and expensive it hurts my wallet just to look at the library-issued textbook i have

he’d be running on caffeine and a prayer, no sleep we die like men

not that he’d be a bad student !!

i could definitely see him being that one student that asks the teacher the silent questions no one asks bc they think it’ll make them look stupid (ie. asking them to repeat what they just said or explain a not-so-complex theory)

would definitely word vomit about politics, current and past, to the rest of the enhas (but just to make sure he remembers it all, you gotta respect the grind man)

none of them would understand a thing

jake: “yeah so it’s stupid how there are a whole bunch of states fighting over the south china sea when it’s technically international waters [please don’t quote me on this it’s like 2 am and i’m pulling stuff out of my ass] and therefore has no legal ‘owner’ haha isn’t that stupid?”

the rest of enha, maybe except for jay: 👁️👄👁️

jay: “ermmm akshully 🤓👆it’s in the name, china has legal rights over the south CHINA sea bc it borders it”

i can picture it vividly

imma be honest this man would be a MESS

he’d probably make (futile) attempts to get his shit together like a notion pro subscription, trying to sleep on time, a gym membership, you name it

sadly that’s just the life of a politics student

it’s so hectic it’d be hard to keep up with, but it’s jake, he’d somehow stay afloat

he’d probably come to his minimum wage job after class half-dead but his manager and coworkers would take pity on him and let him sleep in the janitor’s closet

would probably be clinging to the whole “just get through tomorrow and it’ll get better” mentality

it does not. sigh

sunghoon: undeclared until sophomnore (second) year, kinesiology (bio?) major

man honestly

this mf would be irrelevant

probs has a generic major and says absolutely nothing in class

if you blink he’d probs disappear

i feel like he’d initially wanna go for med but then he’d hear about the whole you’re-gonna-sacrifice-the-best-years-of-your-life-for-this-field-of-study thing and said NOPE lmao

which is reasonable

with the amount of ppl doing med in the world he wouldn’t think it’d make a difference if he decided to switch

i feel like he’d just be there for the ride 💀smth abt wanting to “experience all life has to offer” (not in a rich, just here for the business degree way, but more of an “i don’t need a degree to get a job but it might make it easier” way)

so yeah he decides to major in kinesiology, the study of movement according to google

disclaimer i’m not a bio person at ALL so any misinformation is completely unintentional and i will NOT be held at gunpoint to do research about a college major for HEADCANONS at ass o’clock in the morning

neways

he has a decently light workload and therefore a healthy amount of free time

on the occasional he does get a painful assignment he’d procrastinate until he’d staying up and cussing out his past self for not doing it earlier

tbh i don’t think he’d be a horrible OR amazing student

he’s truly MID mid

maybe an average of like … 75% which really isn’t bad tbh the american education system has conditioned us into thinking it is but let’s be fr other than philly cheese steaks what exactly have we ever gotten right.

….neways again

he’d be something like a jack of all trades, master of none

overall a chill guy 9/10 would be fun to hang out with

now for the best part

frat boy sunghoon

idk anything abt frat or sorority life – i’m asian the only thing close to a sorority i’d be in would be like … the school orchestra or book club 💀my parents would kill me – so don’t take everything i say for gospel

you bet your ass he’d be at every party

100% for the booze and vibes he wouldn’t even be there to flirt or rizz ppl up (he’s a self-aware man he knows he has negative rizz but that’s what makes him so ALLURING)

wouldn’t get high or anything tho he’s not all abt that life (that life being running away from the popo)

i’d trust him to walk me home tbh

he wouldn’t hurt a fly the most he’d do is like … attempt to verbally abuse jay

sunoo: art major, english lit. minor

you saw it coming don’t lie

NEWAYS

he’d be amazing at art honestly

making a portfolio would be his Thing yk

yk those big artists that are all about “working on the impulse” and not doing anything until they do ridiculous shit to get over art block

that’s him

but he slays every time he gets over it

god i feel like he’d be the perfect college friend after jay

he definitely has his shit together

i’m talking he does his assignments on time, probably has a half-paid merit scholarship, works a decent job at a taco bell just off of campus, and somehow has a will to live and time to go to the mall every weekend

the thing is, he’s not the most perfect college friend bc he’s slightly more fun-focused and free-spirited than jay, who’s a perfect mix of both

neways no more talking abt other enhas it’s sunoo’s time to shine 😠

i bet his dorm would be the most organized and decorated too oughhgh

he’d be the lucky mf that gets the biggest dorm on the first floor (with like two other roommates but they respect his privacy and all that)

he’d probably be able to get away with dorm policy violations (ie. cooking with an iron or something Not meant for cooking in his dorm instead of the nasty ass moldy ass communal kitchen) by batting his eyelashes and sweet-talking to the woman that oversees the dorms or smth (i’m blanking and i completely forgot what it’s called)

overall the luckiest bitch ever

we should all aspire to be sunoo tbh

if you’re a man and you’re not sunoo … thin fucking ice. do better. /hj

jungwon: biochem major, going for med (specifically oncology, the study of cancer?)

sorry in advance to any ppl in medical 🫶i’m gonna get every part of this wrong lmao

he’s one of Those Guys that’s known exactly what they’re doing since like … middle school

important question: would it be bc he gave into the classic asian parent pressure into becoming a doctor?

they might've played a tiny role in it but i think he'd genuinely wanna go into medical bc he's insane

definitely gets the best scores out of everyone in his class (idk if they use bell curves in med but if not he’d get solid 90s on everything)

i could see him with his life together tbh

homework always done a week before, healthy lunches he makes himself, clear skin, all that jazz

definitely has a merit-based scholarship

probably got a 1560 on the SAT too 😒 lucky ass bitch

i hate to say it

i really do

but he'd be the mf that reminds the teacher abt homework

“ermmmm mr. kim you said we had a pop quiz at the end of class” followed by him being beaten to a pulp

(w reaction/lh)

really cares about getting into a good med school

would DEFINITELY have like two internships every summer

so to recap: basically every asian med student ever (i’m friends with far too many rip med kids)

at least they won't be replaced with ai …

heeseung crying in the distance

NEWAYS

for a med student i feel like he’d be busy 24/7 but he wouldn’t Look like it?

like if you’ve seen a med student, even in hs, they look like they lost a fight to a rabid raccoon

but for some reason jungwon has his shit together like the neurotypical know-it-all he is 😒/lh please don’t kill me

seeing as he’s known what he wants to do since like … middle school in this au, i think he’d fs be on top of all the content he’s learned, if not ahead of everyone else

i’d trust him to be my doctor 🫡

actually no i wouldn’t

riki: theater major w/a visual art minor (get it bc he’s a minor) (i’m hilarious LAUGH)

he’s a quiet little guy, definitely sits in the back of the lecture hall

would milk the SHIT out of being a minority for scholarships and applications

i'm talking his common app essay abt being socially isolated and politically aware, i'm talking abt using any and all minority scholarships possible – in the eyes of the law (and the college board), riki is now half hispanic

i’d say his grades would be pretty decent, not much in the A+ zone (96-100) but at the very least, B+’s

really not that bad tbh

he’d SO be a theater kid in hs

tell me he wouldn't be those mfs that have the whole hamilton soundtrack memorized and break out into random song and dance at inappropriate times

i bet he’d ship hamilton and laurens 💀

neways

i feel like he'd like art as a class but suck at meeting deadlines and portfolio assignments n stuff

which is valid tbh i don’t think any kind of teacher of the arts (not just visual) should be too strict abt that

classes with him and sunoo would make him INSUFFERABLE omg

if you put them next to e/o they won't shut up

which is cute don't get me wrong

but makes trying to work IMPOSSIBLE

but when they're separated he’d be dead silent

you wouldn't even notice he's there tbh

overall a dedicated student with the occasional tendency to be silly and goofy

i feel like his resume would be pretty to make up for the lack of content actually on it

i'm talking canva pro graphics, fancy fonts, graphic design is his passion (not literally)

logically the best career path for him based on his degrees would be a set designer …

but obv he’s either an actor or the manager

probably an actor being a stage manager SUCKS

(don’t get me wrong it’s fun i’ve done it before but oh my GOD. if you ever wanna lose hair really fast become a backstage manager it’ll work 100%)

bonus: best-dressed in class

sunoo - you’ll never catch him slipping tbh 🤷 he’d have the most free time out of the others and would probably spend his time going out and putting together silly little outfits and being cute and adorable bc it’s kim sunoo That’s Just How He Is

jay - light academia light academia light academia light academia light academia

sunghoon (unintentionally) - his sense of style in college would be mid, truly meh, nothing special to look at but his looks make up for the boring attire (hubba hubba 😍) – the type to wear a white t-shirt, timbs, and jeans to class every day (get it 2017 jungkook 😍), maybe even a jacket. his sense of style would be as spicy as salt so not spicy at all, it’s giving unseasoned, boiled chicken

riki - he just Doesn’t Care but thankfully all the items in his closet would be usable (thanks to sunoo, that man would NOT let riki leave the house without running his outfits by him. his logic is that no best friend of his should look like a dumpsterfire !!)

jungwon - similar to jake, no time !! matching sweatshirts and sweatpants ftw

jake - politics majors have no sanity or connection to the real world bc it drives you INSANE after a month, cut him some slack :(

heeseung - the venn diagram of ppl with no sense of fashion and cs majors is a circle.

So I finally saw the Mario movie, so of course I am not gonna miss my chance to do a good ol’ write-up about my thoughts. Spoilers btw.

I am just fresh from seeing it, so this is very early impressions speaking, but on the whole, I am very happy. A Mario movie on the big screen is something I wanted to experience as early as I can think back and yeah, it did not disappoint.

Above all else, the movie succeeds where it needed to succeed most.

It’s a Mario movie and very proud to be a Mario movie. it doesn’t rely on a ‘’Oooooh, Mario is in our world’’ kind of gimmick or anything. It looks like Mario, it sounds like Mario and it plays out like a Mario film and I mean all that in the best ways possible.

The movie is pure eye candy and while seeing so much of it’s setpieces from trailers already caught me off-guard, there was still more than enough to see. Brooklyn and the way it was made to fit with Mario’s current aesthetic was a major highlight there.

The characters look great, it’s full of detail, really, nothing to complain about there.

Music is a delight too, any time I recognized one of the game themes, which was a lot of times, made me grin. The licensed songs do clash with that, but are ultimately inoffensive. I get when people hate it, but for me, it’s just there.

I watched the movie in german, so I can’t comment on the english cast at large, but I liked them from the trailers and the german cast absolutely delivered too, with Luigi and DK being particular highlights.

Speaking of DK, everything around him and his series was fantastic to see. I always want to see the Marioverse be more connected and seeing a taste of that on the big-screen makes me more than a little giddy.

All that is good stuff and the many references to spot are going to make this an incredible movie to rewatch and discover new details, but there is one issue that I do think may make this movie a more difficult sell for people not super into Mario.

The beginning in Brooklyn is my favorite part of the movie for how it establishes Mario and Luigi, their relationship and struggles with both their business and earning the approval of others around them (being someone in the know and nostalgic about the old backstory adds extra points obviously). It takes time to show them actually at a job, gives Foreman Spike and Pauline small parts to give that fuzzy feeling of familiarity and all around serves as a great introduction. It’s nothing deep but it does a lot to elevate the Bros as characters in a way that suits the medium.

Once the Mushroom Kingdom comes in though, a lot of that starts to take a backseat to jumping from location to location. It’s an absolute joyride, but it does leave a lot of concepts without the room they need.

The flashback Luigi has while captive is great and earned, given Luigi’s timid nature and Mario being so protective of him have already been well established, but it doesn’t really go beyond that scene until the climax. It works, but at least an extra scene where Luigi laments being a scaredy cat would have given his one big moment some more pathos.

Similarly Peach’s backstory, while simple, does create intrigue and a new dimension to her care for the Toads, but it’s only brought up once and stops being a factor afterwards. It honestly feels like an entire sub-plot got cut there.

There is more stuff like that and it is an aspect where the movie feels a bit insecure about itself. It’s clear the shadow of the live action movie was looming over the movie’s production and through that, it feels they were afraid of focusing too long on something less fan–service. 

I still enjoy what we got, like Mario and DK’s dynamic is amazing even without an extended talk about their dads, it’s just stuff they could have done a little more of, because the movie otherwise does blatantly bank on your existing familiarity with the cast and world to carry things. It works for me, but I can understand a lot more now why critics who have not much clue about Mario, were less impressed.

On that note, the characters also really landed for me. Luigi did get thrown under the bus though. He’s great when he is on-screen and his moment of glory intensely cathartic, but he really does not get to do much and his dynamic with Mario does not have much time to shine. 

Similarly Lumalee is a big question mark for me. He’s amusing, but there is no context as to how Bowser got him. I really did expect some kind of Galaxy tease that just never happens and due to how little time the prisoners get, Lumalee really ends up just being a vehicle for macabre jokes.

I do also wish Peach was allowed to be a liiiittle more flawed, like I am totally on-board with her being more experienced because of her background growing up in the Mushroom Kingdom and always root for the SMB2 team to be the default hero team whenever possible. That I am all cool with, I just feel they overcompensated a little, because aside from being caught by King Bob-omb’s explosion, I struggle to think of a single mistake she made the entire movie, while everyone else bumbles at some point. Not a big deal, she ended up far more endearing than I expected, I just feel they could have made it more balanced than constant hypercompetence. 

The rest of the cast I have no complaints about. Mario is precisely what I want a more distinctly characterized take on him to be. All my praises regarding Toad still apply, Spike is great for what he gets, DK rules, Cranky is fine for what this version of him is meant to be, Kamek has good moments and Bowser is a hilarious incel that also caught me off-guard with how surprisingly evil he could be.

All that good stuff easily wins the day and made me genuinely love my time with the movie. A sequel really does need to address the pacing problems and let the characters breathe more, but I do think the movie is a slam dunk in what it wants to archive. 

This 100% is a movie for people that would get excited to see the Koopa General become a Blue Shell or see the Bros while invincible, put the smack down on Bowser and his army.

I am absolutely in this camp and as far as I am concerned, it’s a fan joyride, made by people that clearly respect the source material and I am happy I took on said ride.

I do wish the Plumber Rap used the same german lyrics as in the Super Show dub, but nobody’s perfect.

Miyeon- G(idle)....Insecurities vs Confidences

Insecurities

Miyeon may not like the way her ears look, or just other specific features. May think her ears or like her forehead makes her look weird

She's insecure about her skin tone. She tries to keep her skin a light complexion and can really find herself to be unattractive when she has a tan (Ik some Koreans bleach their skin or tries keeping out if the sun a lot to keep a fair skin tone, so she may also do these things)

Okay so. Miyeon is the type of girl to be very insecure about her own beauty when she's surrounded by other pretty girls (the reverse may happen of her gaining confidence when around girls she thinks isn't as attractive as her). Reminds me if when a host on Knowing Bros asked Miyeon who's the prettiest female idol she's seen and I believe she answered like "whose prettier than me?". So, she definitely can become a bit catty and a little problematic (just not secure within herself)when it comes to her dealing with possibly prettier women.

She's quite insecure in leader positions, she may like taking the backseat approach a lot and following others lead but when she has to lead anybody else all hell breaks loose. In the sense that she can be unpleasant, demanding and unstable in that dominate, leader role. I don't think she likes to feel like she's in charge of the wellbeing of someone else (responsible for another person)

She also has problems speaking up for herself. Very insecure about voicing opinions that the collective doesn't share

She has some romantic insecurities as well. Like she may be uncomfortable going after men she wants, and could be kind if awkward in steamy settings where things could lead to making love or other physical affections

She has some financial insecurities. Also fears looking clumsy and stupid in front of people

Confidences

She's confident when she's by herself. She's likely an introvert and can only really come alive and become extroverted when no ones watching. Miyeon enjoys her independence unlike those people that do t feel okay with themself when they're on their own, she is the complete opposite of that. Her own artistic expression can become more pronounced as well, when she's on her own

She's secure in the fact that she knows she's the only person that can properly take care of her and look after her so she's passionate about self empowerment journeys. Like, she doesn't expect her members to look after her mental health but is okay doing that independently while also being there for others even if they can't do the same for her

She likes her height and her nose, she may find these features to look cute like a mouse

She's confident when she has work/hobbies to keep herself busy and productive, she may like the feeling of being useful to others and just helpful. The opposite can be that she becomes a worry wart and depressive when she has nothing keeping her occupied/busy

She likes her girly aesthetic (reminds me of a geisha). She could really like cosplaying anime looks, or just doing the whole aegyo thing could be the thing she's confident in doing

Miyeon is comfortable in environments she's familiar with. She could prefer being in korea than being overseas.

Smokey brand Reviews: Force Sensitivities episode II

I shill for Star Wars hard. I have for years, easily since i was a wee lil Smokey. I say that every time i start one of these essays or reviews because i want to be completely transparent about my bias. Darth Vader is easily one of, if not the, best cinema antagonist, ever, in my opinion. I love this cyborg asshole and everything about him. That first introduction in the beginning of Episode IV was everything. The second James Earl Jones' brilliantly dubbed voice boomed onscreen was it for me. Darth Vader as my dude and my love affair with the franchise began. I say all of this because i am part of the Fandom Menace. Absolutely i am. I cherish Star Wars so watching Kathleen Kennedy decimate my galaxy far, far, away in the name of her own ego, is practically debilitating. And it’s not even like i am averse to the ideas of her changes, you know? I like the idea of Rey. I loved Adam Driver and his Vader-lite, Kylo Ren. I love Oscar Issac so his Han Solo replacement, Po Dameron, already had my heart and Boyega's Finn had all the hallmarks of being something really special. And then Kennedy let Rian Johnson f*ck that sh*t all up.

And then she f*cked up Solo. And then she f*cked up Rise of Skywalker. And then she f*cked up everything else. So little of Star Wars has been good or original on Kennedy’s watch and it’s insane to me people defend this chick because she IS a chick. Bro, she is, objectively, bad at her job. It’s a wonder anything good has come out of Lucasfilm in her tenure. One of those things was Sear Wars Visions. That sh*t slapped hard and, coming off Netflix’s excellent anthology series Love,Death, + Robots, Visions was primed to ravage my senses. And it did. I just found out that the second season dropped to little fanfare, probably because this isn’t really a Kennedy production, much like he first, and her ego refuses to acknowledge anything that doesn’t have her name on it. Anyway, i finally got to check out these brand new takes on an old myth that is struggling to survive.

Sith

What a way to start off your anthology! This one was much stronger than The Duel from last season, in my humble opinion. I loved the use of color and negative space. The combination of such a vibrant palette against those stark whites, or the subtle contrast by those blacks at the climax; Simply brilliant. More than that, the sound design went a long way to setting the tone of this short. It did so much heavy lifting, i was flabbergasted, especially considering how dope the animation turned out. Seriously, Sith is a work of art and masterclass in tension. I was on the edge of my seat with that final duel and it was less than i expected but much more than i needed. El Guiri Studios really gave us something special. Here's hoping Hollywood takes notice and let's these cats really do there thing with a proper budget and creative license.

Screecher's Reach

Another banger right after the first? Yessir! Admittedly, while I like the aesthetic of Screecher's Reach, it was nowhere near as beautiful as The Sith. That said, this one had much, much, more emotional impact. That short, thirteen and change, gave me some of the best character development I've seen out of Disney Star Wars to date! That's not to say the animation and art design wasn't lovely. Cartoon Saloon really brought their A game with this one. The overall short was gorgeous and far more impactful than it had any right to be. Plus, that twist ending! Yo, I don't know who or what that Sith was at the end but I love the look! So deceptive. So insidious. I feel so bad for Daal but so glad I got to see her story.

In the Stars

Not gonna lie, I didn't care for this one. I respect the gumption, for sure, to make a claymation short because they are always so fun to watch but there are several practical limitations to creating animation this way. I'm immediately struck by the lack of color and fluidity in the overall animation. Coming off the first two shorts, this really took away from my viewing experience. On top of that, there is a lot of “Tell, don't show” in this fifteen minutes. Way to much exposition dumped early on. It's like Punkrobot Studios didn't trust the audience to infer all of that from the natural plot progression. It doesn't help that our main protagonist, the one we're supposed to be rooting for, is a reckless ass child. It's such a stark contrast the kids in Screecher's Reach. Yeah, there are merits to In the Stars, they're just not for me. I know this is supposed to be a metaphor of colonialism or whatever but it's just so poorly executed. Plus, I mean, everyone is still dead, the f*ck?

I Am Your Mother

And as if to drive my point home about the claymation thing, I am Your Mother comes along and absolutely puts In The Stars to shame with the same goddamn technique! Aardman really put together something4 special with this short and I mean short. I Am Your Mother is only ten minutes and change but it uses every second of that run time to tell a really heartfelt, coming-of-age, narrative. The overall plot might be a bit derivative but I'm a softy for these types of narratives so I had a great time with it. It's nuts because this is basically the same, overall, plot as In The Stars but Mother does it so much better. More than anything, this feels like Star Wars. You can plop this thing right in with the Prequel era of films and it wouldn't feel out of place at all.

Journey to the Dark Head

So I really, really, liked this on. I think I liked it as much as The Sith and that's saying a lot because that one is probably my favorite of the season. Dark Head is the first traditionally animated short and Studio Mir really put their best foot forward. This f*cking thing was epic! I'm a sucker for anime and, while this technically isn't proper anime, they pay solid homage to that aesthetic. It feels a lot like Avatar in that way and lord knows I love me some Misadventures of Aang and Friends. Probably because Mir is the studio who did Korra. My affection for Korra is much less but I'd be lying if I said that animation wasn't solid. This one was the longest of the lot so far, eighteen minutes, but they used that time to tell a strong story. It's wild to think they'd be able to pack in so much character development, in such a short amount of time, and entire, theatrical length, Star Wars films can't do the same. Rogue One, I'm looking at you.

The Spydancer

Yo, what the f*ck was that?! Holy sh*t, was that solid storytelling! Look, the emotional weight of this sixteen minute was incredible. I mean, of the top, I love the look of the art. The animation was fluid, particular the dancing, and the sound design was everything but the goddamn story, man! How the f*ck did Studio la Cachette do so much, in much little time? Seriously, this was a straight up roller coaster of emotion and I didn't expect that at all. I thought Journey to Dark Head told a complete narrative but The Spydancer does all of that and so much more. Seriously, it's hard not to put this up there with the best of Disney Star Wars and thy did it in sixteen goddamn minutes!

The Bandits of Golak

Another miss for me. Look, I love the Indian inspiration and the CG animation is solid but I don't particular care for the story being told, especially coming off something as emotionally weighty as The Spydancer. Still, 88 Pictures really made the most of their sixteen minutes. I can see why so many people enjoyed this short, even if I, personally, didn't really care for it. That final duel was solid as f*ck, though.

The Pit

Black folks in Star Wars? Let's go! Seriously, there is a distinct lack of color in a galaxy far, far, away so anytime I can get some melanated representation, I'm all in. What do we have so far? Mace, Finn, and Lando? Three prominent black characters over, what is it now? Four goddamn decades? Almost five? Motherf*ckers should be ashamed of themselves. Still, The Pit goes a long way to bridging that gap. Now, I support the f*ck out of D'ART Shtajio but I'd be lying if I said this wasn't the weakest of the shorts in season two. That, and I kind of really hate the Lucasfilm co-sign. None of the other studios needed it. This feels like a Kennedy thing. Gotta take as much credit for the diversity hire as possible, you know? If you didn't now, D'ART Shtajio is the first black owned anime studio. Thy do a lot of support animation for a ton of anime series but this is their first stab at a recognizable franchise like Star Wars where they are allowed to fully do their thing. All that said, The Pit is easily the weakest entry into this season. The narrative is solid and it does a great deal with it's sixteen minutes but this thing doesn't leave nearly the impression of every other short the anthology. Seriously, this thing has a strong message that is kind of undermined by the lack of quality when stood against the rest of the shorts presented.

Aau's Song

Auu's Song closes out this season's entries and, just like the opening, it was a strong choice. Aau's Song feels like a quiet story, intimate and personal, awash in a sea of stars. We  should be fortunate that her tale was told to us with such reverence and respect by Triggering. I was a little suspect at first, being that the two other stop-motion entries were hit-and-miss, but Auu's Song was definitely a hit. I am in love with this aesthetic. It feels like Final Fantasy IX and, if you know me, you know IX is top five for me. I loved the look, but I loved the sound design even more. Auu's song was lovely. Just the vocalizations, alone, were enough to catch my attention but couple that with the underlying tribal drums when sh*t got hairy, and you have a complete story told through your ears. Seriously, you can close your eyes and just listen to this story without missing a narrative beat. I find that absolutely amazing. It's wild to think that Aau's Song can be so god with absolutely no conflict. There are no Sith here, no Empire, no malevolence, just redemption and I kind of love that. The Sith, and to a lesser extent the Empire, were so prominent throughout this season but arguably the second strongest short of the lot, was devoid of anything resembling the dark side, outside of bled Kyber. Absolutely spectacular watch.

Smokey brand Reviews: Force Sensitivities episode II

I shill for Star Wars hard. I have for years, easily since i was a wee lil Smokey. I say that every time i start one of these essays or reviews because i want to be completely transparent about my bias. Darth Vader is easily one of, if not the, best cinema antagonist, ever, in my opinion. I love this cyborg asshole and everything about him. That first introduction in the beginning of Episode IV was everything. The second James Earl Jones' brilliantly dubbed voice boomed onscreen was it for me. Darth Vader as my dude and my love affair with the franchise began. I say all of this because i am part of the Fandom Menace. Absolutely i am. I cherish Star Wars so watching Kathleen Kennedy decimate my galaxy far, far, away in the name of her own ego, is practically debilitating. And it’s not even like i am averse to the ideas of her changes, you know? I like the idea of Rey. I loved Adam Driver and his Vader-lite, Kylo Ren. I love Oscar Issac so his Han Solo replacement, Po Dameron, already had my heart and Boyega's Finn had all the hallmarks of being something really special. And then Kennedy let Rian Johnson f*ck that sh*t all up.

And then she f*cked up Solo. And then she f*cked up Rise of Skywalker. And then she f*cked up everything else. So little of Star Wars has been good or original on Kennedy’s watch and it’s insane to me people defend this chick because she IS a chick. Bro, she is, objectively, bad at her job. It’s a wonder anything good has come out of Lucasfilm in her tenure. One of those things was Sear Wars Visions. That sh*t slapped hard and, coming off Netflix’s excellent anthology series Love,Death, + Robots, Visions was primed to ravage my senses. And it did. I just found out that the second season dropped to little fanfare, probably because this isn’t really a Kennedy production, much like he first, and her ego refuses to acknowledge anything that doesn’t have her name on it. Anyway, i finally got to check out these brand new takes on an old myth that is struggling to survive.

Sith

What a way to start off your anthology! This one was much stronger than The Duel from last season, in my humble opinion. I loved the use of color and negative space. The combination of such a vibrant palette against those stark whites, or the subtle contrast by those blacks at the climax; Simply brilliant. More than that, the sound design went a long way to setting the tone of this short. It did so much heavy lifting, i was flabbergasted, especially considering how dope the animation turned out. Seriously, Sith is a work of art and masterclass in tension. I was on the edge of my seat with that final duel and it was less than i expected but much more than i needed. El Guiri Studios really gave us something special. Here's hoping Hollywood takes notice and let's these cats really do there thing with a proper budget and creative license.

Screecher's Reach

Another banger right after the first? Yessir! Admittedly, while I like the aesthetic of Screecher's Reach, it was nowhere near as beautiful as The Sith. That said, this one had much, much, more emotional impact. That short, thirteen and change, gave me some of the best character development I've seen out of Disney Star Wars to date! That's not to say the animation and art design wasn't lovely. Cartoon Saloon really brought their A game with this one. The overall short was gorgeous and far more impactful than it had any right to be. Plus, that twist ending! Yo, I don't know who or what that Sith was at the end but I love the look! So deceptive. So insidious. I feel so bad for Daal but so glad I got to see her story.

In the Stars

Not gonna lie, I didn't care for this one. I respect the gumption, for sure, to make a claymation short because they are always so fun to watch but there are several practical limitations to creating animation this way. I'm immediately struck by the lack of color and fluidity in the overall animation. Coming off the first two shorts, this really took away from my viewing experience. On top of that, there is a lot of “Tell, don't show” in this fifteen minutes. Way to much exposition dumped early on. It's like Punkrobot Studios didn't trust the audience to infer all of that from the natural plot progression. It doesn't help that our main protagonist, the one we're supposed to be rooting for, is a reckless ass child. It's such a stark contrast the kids in Screecher's Reach. Yeah, there are merits to In the Stars, they're just not for me. I know this is supposed to be a metaphor of colonialism or whatever but it's just so poorly executed. Plus, I mean, everyone is still dead, the f*ck?

I Am Your Mother

And as if to drive my point home about the claymation thing, I am Your Mother comes along and absolutely puts In The Stars to shame with the same goddamn technique! Aardman really put together something4 special with this short and I mean short. I Am Your Mother is only ten minutes and change but it uses every second of that run time to tell a really heartfelt, coming-of-age, narrative. The overall plot might be a bit derivative but I'm a softy for these types of narratives so I had a great time with it. It's nuts because this is basically the same, overall, plot as In The Stars but Mother does it so much better. More than anything, this feels like Star Wars. You can plop this thing right in with the Prequel era of films and it wouldn't feel out of place at all.

Journey to the Dark Head

So I really, really, liked this on. I think I liked it as much as The Sith and that's saying a lot because that one is probably my favorite of the season. Dark Head is the first traditionally animated short and Studio Mir really put their best foot forward. This f*cking thing was epic! I'm a sucker for anime and, while this technically isn't proper anime, they pay solid homage to that aesthetic. It feels a lot like Avatar in that way and lord knows I love me some Misadventures of Aang and Friends. Probably because Mir is the studio who did Korra. My affection for Korra is much less but I'd be lying if I said that animation wasn't solid. This one was the longest of the lot so far, eighteen minutes, but they used that time to tell a strong story. It's wild to think they'd be able to pack in so much character development, in such a short amount of time, and entire, theatrical length, Star Wars films can't do the same. Rogue One, I'm looking at you.

The Spydancer

Yo, what the f*ck was that?! Holy sh*t, was that solid storytelling! Look, the emotional weight of this sixteen minute was incredible. I mean, of the top, I love the look of the art. The animation was fluid, particular the dancing, and the sound design was everything but the goddamn story, man! How the f*ck did Studio la Cachette do so much, in much little time? Seriously, this was a straight up roller coaster of emotion and I didn't expect that at all. I thought Journey to Dark Head told a complete narrative but The Spydancer does all of that and so much more. Seriously, it's hard not to put this up there with the best of Disney Star Wars and thy did it in sixteen goddamn minutes!

The Bandits of Golak

Another miss for me. Look, I love the Indian inspiration and the CG animation is solid but I don't particular care for the story being told, especially coming off something as emotionally weighty as The Spydancer. Still, 88 Pictures really made the most of their sixteen minutes. I can see why so many people enjoyed this short, even if I, personally, didn't really care for it. That final duel was solid as f*ck, though.

The Pit

Black folks in Star Wars? Let's go! Seriously, there is a distinct lack of color in a galaxy far, far, away so anytime I can get some melanated representation, I'm all in. What do we have so far? Mace, Finn, and Lando? Three prominent black characters over, what is it now? Four goddamn decades? Almost five? Motherf*ckers should be ashamed of themselves. Still, The Pit goes a long way to bridging that gap. Now, I support the f*ck out of D'ART Shtajio but I'd be lying if I said this wasn't the weakest of the shorts in season two. That, and I kind of really hate the Lucasfilm co-sign. None of the other studios needed it. This feels like a Kennedy thing. Gotta take as much credit for the diversity hire as possible, you know? If you didn't now, D'ART Shtajio is the first black owned anime studio. Thy do a lot of support animation for a ton of anime series but this is their first stab at a recognizable franchise like Star Wars where they are allowed to fully do their thing. All that said, The Pit is easily the weakest entry into this season. The narrative is solid and it does a great deal with it's sixteen minutes but this thing doesn't leave nearly the impression of every other short the anthology. Seriously, this thing has a strong message that is kind of undermined by the lack of quality when stood against the rest of the shorts presented.

Aau's Song

Auu's Song closes out this season's entries and, just like the opening, it was a strong choice. Aau's Song feels like a quiet story, intimate and personal, awash in a sea of stars. We  should be fortunate that her tale was told to us with such reverence and respect by Triggering. I was a little suspect at first, being that the two other stop-motion entries were hit-and-miss, but Auu's Song was definitely a hit. I am in love with this aesthetic. It feels like Final Fantasy IX and, if you know me, you know IX is top five for me. I loved the look, but I loved the sound design even more. Auu's song was lovely. Just the vocalizations, alone, were enough to catch my attention but couple that with the underlying tribal drums when sh*t got hairy, and you have a complete story told through your ears. Seriously, you can close your eyes and just listen to this story without missing a narrative beat. I find that absolutely amazing. It's wild to think that Aau's Song can be so god with absolutely no conflict. There are no Sith here, no Empire, no malevolence, just redemption and I kind of love that. The Sith, and to a lesser extent the Empire, were so prominent throughout this season but arguably the second strongest short of the lot, was devoid of anything resembling the dark side, outside of bled Kyber. Absolutely spectacular watch.

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General Headcanons for the Brothers

These are just some thoughts that live in my head rent free. Enjoy!

◇◇◇◇◇◇◇

Lucifer:

He is one of those people that cleans up his room/office of any clutter before anyone visits him JUST to obnoxiously insist how "awfully cluttered" his space is. It's all to maintain the illusion that his living space is immaculately cleaned but really with all of his paperwork and the chaos he deals with, it can clutter quickly. If he can't clean it up before a guest enters, he'll just cast a spell on the room that gives the illusion of cleanliness. His pride wouldn't have it any other way.

Mammon:

This dude would be covered in piercings, all with diamond or 24 karat gold jewelry if he could. Lucifer will not let him, however, calling it tacky and embarrassing if he has more than just his ears pierced. That doesn't stop Mammon though, as he likely has a few hidden piercings here and there. Like a tongue piercing or piercings in more private areas.

If Mammon senses that his brothers are feeling down, big brother mode will kick in and he'll do something to cheer them up, even if it means getting himself into trouble. He may try to make them laugh or take something to give them just to make them smile. If that doesn't work, sometimes he'll just do something dumb to take their mind off of their own issues and instead focus on "dumb Mammon". For him, it's worth getting into trouble but no one really knows this. He never tells.

Leviathan:

This guy is a vocaloid fan. Has cosplayed at least three of his favorites (Miku, Luka, Kaito) and owns all the Project Diva and Project Mirai games. He's a master at the hard levels and he mashes the buttons so quickly that the controller is hot afterwards. Don't take him to an arcade with a Project Diva. He can and will beat anyone who challenges him. Never drops a combo.

Smash is another story. He's fantastic as Super Smash Bros, yet somehow Asmo always beats him by button smashing. It ENRAGES him, as a SSB connoisseur who follows and watches all the professional tournaments.

Leviathan glows under black light. Something about bio luminescence in his more aquatic nature makes the dude glow under black light, even in his human form. He hates it, as it makes him stand out in the clubs that Asmo drags him to.

Satan:

Satan loves Studio Ghibli films. It didn't start that way, as he had seen Levi watch one before and simply chalked it up to being simple anime, which Satan has no interest in. Yet, after reading Howl's Moving Castle, he decided to watch the movie adaptation and be the angry judge of how accurate it was to the book. Despite the ghibli adaptation being so divergent of the books plot, he fell in love with the calm atmosphere that it gave. After that, he asked Levi to let him watch all of the films. Satan's favorite is The Cat Returns, despite his proclamation that it is on of the weakest of the Ghibli films. He won't let anyone know that it's his favorite, but the idea of a secret cat kingdom is so enthralling to him. He prolly listens to ghibli piano covers as he reads.

Speaking of cat kingdoms and books, Satan DEFINITELY had a Warrior Cats phase. He read all of the books and still denies that he used to watch Warrior Cats AMVs (he can't lie, Belphegor caught him and uses it to tease him)

Asmodeus:

Asmo had a theater kid phase and drug Satan into it. Both of them love Broadway plays, Asmo being one who loves musicals and Satan being one who enjoys story writing and literature. Asmo tried his best to start a drama club at RAD and succeeded to a degree, but ultimately lost interest when he realized how much work it was to constantly put on productions. It dug into his self care time.

Asmos love for plays started with the classical Greek plays, which also got him into Greek myths. He knew it was all human fiction, but honey the ☆aesthetic☆.

Little fact about Asmo, his demon anatomy has a special little quirk. Under his tongue are two little glands that he can use to mix a potent aphrodisiac into his saliva. This is usually just for times when he's indulging in his sin, but sometimes a little will make its way into his saliva on a normal occasion. If anyone drinks after him, beware that it might be a day when this secretion is a little more potent. Hell, if he licks someone they might start to feel a certain type of way as the chemical seeps into their skin. But alas, with someone he cherishes, he makes sure to give them chaste kisses in case deepening it could have unforseen outcomes.

Beelzebub:

He's a bug saver. Not just because his demon form is insect-like in quality or that his namesake means Lord of the Flies, but because he feels bad for them. They're so small and helpless and he can't help but sympathize. Little spider in his room? He just wants a comfy place to live. The brothers shriek when a devildom recluse spider makes its way into their space, but Beel calmly scoops it into his hand to take it outside. He tries to be as gentle as possible but accidents happen. One time, Asmo begs Beel to remove a moth from his room that he fears will eat his clothes. Beel tries to remove it, but in the process accidentally squishes it. Afterwards, Beel always goes off to grab a cup to trap moths in because they're just too fragile for his strong grip.

Belphegor:

He can enter into people's dreams and alter them. A lot of times he simply observes, but sometimes he way wreak havoc and turn dreams into nightmares. When the brothers wonder why he knows strange things about them, he keeps his mouth shut about spectating their dream the night before. Can and will use what he learns for blackmail, if given the chance.

ACOTAR dudes and how much they care about their ✨aesthetic✨

Lucien: He cares, do you think his hair is shinny and silky just by Cauldron’s grace? no it isn’t. He has a routine and a secret conditioner that gives it a golden-like shine, he won’t share it with anyone, no Cassian, stop asking. He knows what colors work with his complexion and what silhouettes enhance his not buff but very defined muscles in a subtle yet you can’t ignore it way. He knows what works, but he’s the best at making it seem like he doesn’t know and it’s just how he woke up. Lucien has the what I just rolled out of bed and put the first thing on really vibe nailed to perfection

Rhys: He cares a lot and he knows you know and he doesn’t care. Self proclaimed Prythian’s hottest High Lord will drop on you his 15 step skin care routine, will facemask twice a week, homemade, with plants, herbs, roots and fruits courtesy of Elain’s garden, how do you think I don’t have wrinkles with all the stress and anxiety I constantly have; and will give you a closet tour of all his black suits if you ask.. and he will judge you if you think they are all black and the same. How dare you this is not “black” this is ebony, this other one is raven, my absolute favorite is midnight (duh), then we have sable and obsidian. That high fae given eyesight really got wasted on you. And also, Feyre where is my ink black suit?// I left it on the bed //no that’s not it, that’s my jade black suit, honestly woman.

Cassian: Doesn’t really care, but he looks nice and will make an effort when required. I mean he has a couple of suits, they hug his ass and that’s all he cares about. Used to have an all in shampoo conditioner, until Mor and Rhys  bullied him into getting a shampoo and a conditioner. Even Az was like Bro, c’mon. Each one of them got Cass hair products for winter solstice once. Now his man bun is as nice ass his other man bun. Tried asking Lucien for his secret, what secret this is just how I woke up. The definition of scrubs up hella nice. Perfect mixture of nice but rough on the edges with a 5pm shadow, hair down (or in the preferred man bun) and a delicious suit. Will always always roll up his sleeves. He knows what it does to the people. Ok whore. Very much into skin brushing. He said no to dead skin cells and yes to good circulation. Weekly massages. The body is a temple ok?

Azriel: He wants you to think he doesn’t care, but he does and he will spend time getting ready for the events, more than he will ever admit. Listen if Lucien is the 10/10 you would never guess that he actually pays attention to this, then Az is like the 8/10. A man of details and has a great eye for color and pattern combinations. No you will not ever catch him in a full bright colored suit, but he enjoys going for different textures and colors albeit dark ones. He looks particularly good in blue and green. Once Mor asked him to accompany her to an event and he came in wearing a merlot velvet three piece suit and no one has been able to stop talking about it.It’s been three centuries. My man served. He will coordinate with you in a subtle way like did they plan that or?? He knows the value of a good aesthetic, but won’t go raving about it, like a certain High Lord.

Helion: KING OF AESTHETIC. COMMITTED TO HIS AESTHETIC FROM HEAD TO TOE, TO HIS HOUSE AND PEGASUS(ES) AND CHARIOTS AND ALL. Not a hair out of fucking place. Sweatpants? I don’t know them. Ew. One must always dress to impress. What do I wear when I want to chill? have you ever worn a toga? It’s either a Toga or nothing, I happen to have nothing in my rooms. Will host parties where the dress code is bohemian chic meets royaltycore, and everyone is like ????????????????????????

Kallias: I mean yes I want to look good, yes I will dress up when the occasion calls for it. But generally speaking no one has ever achieved the balance between comfort and put together like Kallias. Also immaculate immaculate skin. Big believer in face rollers and gua shas. Gave each member of the Night Court their own set, they all deeply appreciate it. 

Tarquin: Of course I fucking care, but the Cauldron did not give me these looks for nothing so I won’t do much really. Sunblock and water. Will, however, try out new styles here and there, in the privacy of his own home and court and if they prove to be a success, then you will see him wearing that to the official Prythian meetings. Will do a 180 on you and appear proper af during the meetings, but in the parties he will show up wearing exquisite jewellery and a long skirt. Dude can rock a skirt. Dude also wears dresses. Looks nice. Will most definitely outshine you. Will neither confirm nor deny that once Az approached him asking him where he got that dress. Will always get the assignment when it comes to Helion’s parties.

Jurian: Pre-amarantha accessory used to be a I have a set of fighting clothes/armour whatever, and the nicer set of those for *political* occasions kinda dude. Post amarantha accessory is more like maybe I will invest in that nice jacket green jacket with gold details, fuck you vassa I did not buy it to match Lucien.

Tamlin: Will show up to the MET Gala in a “black” tuxedo regardless of the theme. 

Omfg I hate burning my tongue. I made some cookies recently, and got impatient… I’m sure you know what happens next

BRO THAT ALBEDO FANART HNNNNNNNNGH honestly, soft dudes with a more alternative/grunge-y style are honestly my weakness (despite wearing very bright and cute clothes—think decora kei but not as hardcore). But dammit tattoo artist!Bedo brainrot

Just, you go to his shop, wanting to just inform yourself and so on, but you leave with an entire tat on your ankle because the artist’s lil sis told you that “big bro makes reaaaaaally pretty pictures! And he’s so nice, you will love him!” And oh boy, we’re you enamored, and not only with the quick sketch he presented you when you told him what you had in mind.

You needed a mini job anyways, and ask whether you can help out around the shop since 1. The atmosphere is nice and the place is close to yours and 2. Hello? Cute ass colleague? However, your small aesthetic crush morphed into full on pining after seeing Albedo being so soft around his sis, and creating beautiful designs inspired by every customers liking 24/7.

Nonetheless, you were getting confused by him. Was he into you, or why did he buy you a coffee when you came in that morning, with the sweetest note attached to it? Why did he go out of his way to quell all your curiosities (big brain = hot)? Why does he gaze at you with those soft teal orbs, when you haven’t been close for this long yet?

His acquaintances muse that he’s generally a clueless guy when it comes to relationships, whether they are platonic or romantic, and he does tend to give off wrong signals because of that. So far, he rejected everyone who came at him with a gentle smile, apologizing for his tactlessness.

And yet, you could feel that there’s more to it in your case… but you didn’t wanna stick your head in the clouds and get the wrong idea. However, Klee is right there to tell you just how much he’s been talking about you! She ends up asking him whether you can go home with them, because she really wants you to bake for her (one of the single skills that Albedo was not blessed with), and there, as you three stand in the kitchen….

“I’ve never heard big bro talk so much about anyone before… I’m glad big bro likes you soooo much! I really want a big sis!”

Hehe, this is so cute, fuck. I want a bf now :(((

I agree anon, I too long for a significant other-

Kinda.

I think it'd be nice to have someone to cuddle and smooch, though.

And I agree--I'm so weak for soft dudes with grungy vibes Xiao. Like...seeming tough?? Being tough?? But also having a gentle and sweet personality? Please, sign me up.

I personally dress in comfy sweaters + skirts or grunge (but pretty loosely so). There's no in-between.

Wait also might I have a cookie?

I love the idea of Klee basically just hanging out at the shop too hahaha, leave it to Albedo to have both a very steady hand and be responsible enough to take care of an active little girl while working. Props to him, that's for sure. It'd also be cute if the customers can have her pick their tattoo-

Dodoco would unintentionally become a 'thing' at the shop.

That being said, Albedo as your boss (but, as always, please just call him Albedo. You're around the same age anyway and this is a small family-owned place, after all)? He'd be attentive and rather sweet.

Considering that he already does hold a soft spot towards people and their little habits, the seemingly small moments of joy that spark and the smiles that refuse to leave his customer's faces when they see the nearly finished product--it's not entirely surprising. It's hard to miss the smile on his own face.

Albedo would often give you longer breaks, too. While the tattoo parlor is popular, the foot traffic is low, so there's only ever a customer or two getting worked on at a time along with a few curious peeks now and then.

Not to mention, the artist is also quite the skilled chef. The breakfast sandwich he brought in for breakfast? He made himself.

Of course the coffee he bought on his way in.

Because he usually goes right to sketching and prepping the workspace, he'll always leave the tasty morsels and coffee (or whatever beverage you prefer, to your specifications) right on the counter in the front so you can see it when you walk in for the day.

And as always, there's his name signed with his signature 'solar isotoma' (it's what he calls it, at least) detailing that he took care of breakfast for you and that he hopes you enjoy the simple meal he's prepped this time around.

Things go pretty well for the first few weeks of working!

Lots of satisfied customers, playing with Klee in the shop's downtime, conversing with Albedo, or just sitting in silence. You've noticed that he asks quite a bit about your likes and dislikes. Though...you just assume it's because he's not the best conversationalist.

After all, while he's incredibly attractive and his charm is undeniable, the man struggles to strike conversations with his clients and opts for encouraging them to take the reins.

Not to mention the cute blush on his cheeks and gently worded declinations he's had to do often--

You wonder if he's already seeing someone.

Honestly, standing in the kitchen in his apartment should've made you realize how dense you are yourself.

Especially when Albedo is right besides you, elbows nearly touching as you walk through the steps of making a cake with him. His hands are covered in various amounts of flour and batter after a little mishap and Klee is eagerly peeking over the countertop.

Though he's dressed down in a plain tee and sweatpants, his hair down and much longer than you expected, you can still sense the way he's so very concentrated on the task at hand. Like he doesn't want to mess it up. It's cute.

When the cake is finally in the oven, Klee speaks up with her face and hands pressed against the viewing window.

"Big brother likes you soooooo much!"

And suddenly, when your eyes meet wide teal ones, it clicks.

His sweet notes and breakfast on him, the several careful sketches of you placed alongside the ones he does of his clients, how he often invites you over to his apartment over the weekends and after work.

Albedo finds himself shyly looking away for the first time.

When the cake is done, the three of you have indulged in the deliciously sweet snack, you help him clean up while Klee goes off to watch a show on the tv.

He's hesitant, visibly so.

"Would you..." Shutting off the water, he pats his wet hands on the front of his shirt. Under the bright florescent of the overhead lights, his eyes seem to shine. "Perhaps like to join me tomorrow on a date?"

Media Market Research (and why its undermining all the things you love)

Trying to understand what is dysfunctional about Hollywood is an epic task, and the answers are like the stars – arguably infinite. Hollywood is dysfunctional for literally more reasons than I could count.

But market research plays a fairly heavy role in its dysfunction (IMO) and the time has finally come for me to add my professional two cents about this issue. (This rant of mine has been building for a while, FYI. Hence why it is so...comprehensive. There is a tl;dr section towards the bottom, if you want the high level summary)

*** For the last 4+ years I’ve worked in the field of market research, almost exclusively with major media makers like Warner Bros., NBCU, AMC/BBCA, Viacom, FOX (before Disney acquired them), A+E, etc. (this past year I quit the job where I was doing this work for a variety of reasons, many of which will become clear as you keep reading, but I am still listed as a consultant on the company website):   https://www.kresnickaresearch.com/who/ (Rachel)

And just for comparison, here is a Halloween selfie I took 4 years ago and posted on my blog, so you can see I am who I say I am. 

I know a fair amount about how market research on major media franchises is conducted and how it influences production, and a lot of these choices can also be at least somewhat tied back to the massive flaws in the market research industry and its impact. *** First, at the highest level, you need to understand market research in general is not well-conducted much of the time. Even the people doing a reasonably good job at it are VERY limited in doing it well because of financial constraints (clients don’t want to spend more than they have to), time constraints (clients want everything done as fast as humanely possible) and just the inherent problems within the industry that are decades old and difficult to fix. For example, all market research ‘screens’ participants to make sure they qualify to participate (whether it is a mass survey, a focus group, a one-on-one interview, etc.). So, we screen people based on demographics like race, gender, age, household income, to get representative samples. But people are also screened based on their consumption habits. You don’t want to bring someone into a focus group about reality TV if they don’t watch reality TV. They aren’t going to have anything useful to say. 

However, a lot of the people who participate in market research have made a ‘side-gig’ out of it and they know how to finesse the process. Basically, they’ve learned how to lie to get into studies that they aren’t a good match for because most market research is paid, and they want the money. So, a lot of TV and film market research is being done on people who don’t actually (or at least don’t regularly) watch those shows or movies or whatever but have learned how to lie well enough in these screening processes to make it through. And because of the aforementioned time and money issue, clients don’t want to spend the time or money to actually find GOOD participants. They just accept that as an inevitable part of the market research process and decide not to let it bother them too much. So, a fair number of the people representing YOU as a media consumer are people who may not be watching Supernatural (for example) at all or who watch a rerun occasionally on TNT but haven’t been watching consistently or with ANY amount of investment whatsoever. You can see why that creates very skewed data. But that’s just the tip of the skewed iceberg. *** Second, media market research is conducted in line with the norms of market research more broadly, and this is a huge problem because media is a very atypical product. How people engage with media is far more complex and in depth than how they engage with a pair of jeans, a car, or a coffee maker. There are only so many things that matter to people when it comes to liking or not liking a coffee maker, for example. Is it easy/intuitive to use? How much space does it take it on my counter? How expensive is it? Does it brew the coffee well? Maybe does it match my décor/kitchen aesthetic? Can I make my preferred brand of coffee in it? The things you as a consumer are going to care about when it comes to a coffee maker are limited, fairly easy to anticipate in advance, and also easy to interpret (usually). How people mentally and emotionally approach MEDIA? Whole other universe of thing. Infinitely more complex. And yet it is studied (more or less) as if it is also a coffee maker. This is one of the many reasons I decided to leave the media market research field despite my desire to have some ability to positively influence the process. As so often seems to be the case, I fought the law and the law won. I could never make the other people I worked with in the industry understand that the questions they were asking were not all that useful a lot of the time and they weren’t getting to the heart of the matter. They were just following industry standards because they didn’t know any better and none of them want to admit they don’t REALLY know what they’re doing. Which leads me to point 3. *** Most of the people doing this research don’t have any expertise in media or storytelling specifically. They are typically trained as social scientists in the fields of psychology, anthropology, sociology, or math/statistics. And many of them do not have any kind of specialization or education in media/storytelling beyond the English classes they took in high school and the one Media Studies course they took as an elective in college. Most of them have a very unsophisticated understanding of narrative structure, thematics, tropes, subtext, etc. They mainly think in terms of genres at the VERY broadest level. Also, not infrequently, they don’t watch or have much knowledge of the shows they are supposed to be doing research on, beyond what they’ve read on IMDb or Wikipedia or what is generally common knowledge. Unless they by chance happen to watch the shows themselves (which often they don’t) they often know very little about the shows they are crafting these questions about. Again, partly because they think it is like the coffee maker, and you don’t need to understand it in any depth to research it. (I know this must sound insane to you as avid media consumers, but that is the general attitude among those who do market research) There is such a lack of sophistication in how people in the business side of the industry understand media and storytelling. Most of them are either MBAs or social scientists and their training has not prepared them to examine fictional works with the kind of depth that people in the Humanities (who are specifically trained to study texts) have. Somehow, despite the fact that the Humanities is all about understanding texts, that is the one discipline they make almost no use of in the business side of Hollywood. And boy howdy does it show. *** Point 4 – average consumers CANNOT ARTICULATE WHY THEY LIKE THINGS. Particularly media things. I know this sounds condescending, but it is my honest observation. It is unbelievably hard to get people to have enough self-awareness to explain why they actually like things, especially things as mentally and emotionally complex as media. What typically happens when you ask people why they like a TV show or movie, for example? They will tell you what they most NOTICE about the TV show or movie, or what is distinctive to them about it (which may or may not have anything to do with what they actually LIKE about it). They will say things like “I like the genre”, “I think it’s funny”, “The car chases are exciting”, “I want to see the detective solve the puzzle.” Sometimes you can get them to talk about what they find relatable about it, if you push them a little. But often they leave it at either the level of literal identity (young black woman), basic personality traits (she’s a social butterfly and so am I) or situations they’ve personally experienced (I relate to this story of a man losing his father to cancer because I lost a close family member to cancer). But the vast, vast, vast majority of them can’t go to the deeper level of: a) Why X representation of a young black woman feels accurate/authentic/relatable and Y representation doesn’t b) Why it matters to me that X,Y,Z aspects of my personality, identity, experience get reflected in media whereas I don’t really care about seeing A,B,C aspects of my personality, identity, or experience reflected in media c) How and why they are relating to characters when they can’t see the literal connection between their identity/experience and the character’s identity/experience. (For example, many people have argued that women often relate to Dean Winchester because a lot of his struggles and past negative experiences are more stereotypical of women – being forced to raise a younger sibling on behalf of an actual parent, being seen and treated as beautiful/sexually desirable but vacuous/unintelligent, his body being treated as an instrument for a more powerful group to quite literally possess, etc. Part of the reason Supernatural has always been such a mystery/problem for the CW and Warner Bros is they could never crack the code at this level. Never.) Part of the reason they can’t crack these codes is average people CANNOT give you that kind of feedback in a survey or a focus group, or even an in-depth interview (much of the time). They just don’t have the self-awareness or the vocabulary to get it at that level. Let alone asking them to articulate why Game of Thrones is compelling to them in an era where wealth disparity is creating a ruling class that is fundamentally incompetent at maintaining a just/functional society, which is especially concerning at this particular moment, given the existential threat we face due to climate change. And the truth is, that IS part of what people – even average people – are responding to in Game of Thrones. But what they’ll tell you when you do market research on it is: they like the dragons, they like the violence, they relate to Tyrion Lannister being a smart mouth, maybe they’ll say they like the moral ambiguity of many of the conflicts (if they are more sophisticated than average). But the ‘Dean Winchester is heavily female coded despite his veneer of ultra-masculinity’ or the ‘Game of Thrones is a prescient metaphor for the current political dynamics and fissures of modern western society’ is the level you ACTUALLY need to get to. And most market research can’t get you that because the people ASKING the questions don’t know what to ask to get to this level, and most of the respondents couldn’t give you the answers even IF you were asking them the right questions (which usually you are not) And I’m not saying average people are dumb because they can’t do this. But it requires practice, it requires giving the matter a great deal of in-depth thought, and most people just don’t care enough about it to do that while taking a market research survey. (I know this is going to feel counter-intuitive to people on Tumblr. But you have to remember, you are NOT average media consumers. You are highly atypical media consumers who have far more self-awareness and a much more sophisticated engagement with media than the average person watching TV. If you didn’t, you probably wouldn’t be here talking about it in the first place) Point 4.1 – People also lie/misrepresent their own experiences to market researchers because they want to maintain certain self-narratives. You have no idea how many people would get disqualified from our surveys for saying they watched less than 5 hours of TV a week. And sure, that might actually be true for a few of them. But if you watch TV with any regularity at all (which most people in modern America do) you probably watch more than 5 hours a week. The problem is, people think it makes them sound lazy to say they watch 15-20 hours a week, even though that’s about 2-3 hours a day (which actually isn’t THAT high). People lie and misrepresent their behaviors, thoughts and feelings because it can be socially uncomfortable to admit you do what you actually do or feel how you actually feel, even in the context of an anonymous survey, let alone a focus group or a one-on-one interview. People want to make themselves look good to THEMSELVES and to the researchers asking them questions. But that makes the market research data on media (and lots of other things) very questionable. For example, one finding we saw more than once in the surveys I was involved in conducting was people would radically downplay how much the romance elements of a story mattered to them, even large portions of female respondents. When we would ask people in surveys what parts of the story they were most invested in, romances ALWAYS came out among the lowest ranked elements. And yet, any passing familiarity with fandom would tell you that finding is just WRONG. It’s wrong. People are just flat out lying about how much that matters to them because of the negative connotations we have around being invested in romance. And never mind the issue of erotic/sexual content. (I don’t mean sexual identity here, I mean sexy content). The only people who will occasionally cop to wanting the erotic fan service is young men (and even they are hesitant to do so in market research) and women frequently REFUSE to admit that stuff in market research, or they radically downplay how much it matters to them and in what ways. There is still so much stigma towards women expressing sexuality in that way. Not to mention, you have to fight tooth and nail to even include question about erotic/sexual content because oftentimes the clients don’t even want to go there at all, partly because it is awkward for everyone involved to sit around crafting market research questions to interrogate what makes people hot and bothered. That’s socially awkward for the researchers doing the research and the businesspeople who have to sit in rooms and listen to presentations about why more women find Spock sexier than Kirk. (Which was a real thing that happened with the original Star Trek, and the network couldn’t figure out why) Aside from people not have enough deeper level self-awareness to get at what they really like about media content, they also will lie or misrepresent certain things to you because they are trying to maintain certain self-narratives and are socially performing that version of themselves to researchers. *** Point 5 – Qualitative data is way more useful for understanding people’s relationships to media. However, quantitative data is way more valued and relied upon both due to larger market research industry standards and because quantitative data is just seen as harder/more factual than qualitative data. A lot of media market research involves gathering both qualitative and quantitative data and reporting jointly on both. (Sometimes you only do one or the other, depending on your objectives, but doing both is considered ‘standard’ and higher quality). However, quantitative data is heavily prioritized in reporting and when there is a conflict between what they see in qualitative versus quantitative data, the quant data is usually relied upon to be the more accurate of the two. This is understandable to an extent, because quantitative surveys usually involve responses from a couple thousand participants, whereas qualitative data involves typically a few dozen participants at most, depending on whether you did focus groups, individual interviews, or ‘diaries’/ethnography. The larger sample is considered more reliable and more reflective of ‘the audience’ as a whole. However, quantitative surveys usually have the flattest, least nuanced data, and they can only ever reflect what questions and choices people in the survey were given. In something like focus groups or individual interviews or ethnographies, you still structure what you ask people, but they can go “off script.” They can say things you never anticipated (as a researcher) and can explain themselves and their answers with more depth. In a survey, participants can only “say” what they survey lets them say based on the questions and question responses that are pre-baked for them. And as I’ve already explained, a lot of times these quantitative surveys are written by people with no expertise in media, fiction, or textual analysis, and so they often are asking very basic, not very useful questions. In sum, the data that is the most relied upon is the least informative, least nuanced data. It is also the MOST likely to reflect the responses of people who don’t actually qualify for the research but have become good at scamming the system to make extra money. With qualitative research, they are usually a little more careful screening people (poorly qualified participants still make it through, but not as often as with mass surveys, where I suspect a good 35% of participants, at least, probably do not actually qualify for the research and are just working the system). 

Most commonly, when market research gets reported to business decision-makers, it highlights the quantitative data, and uses the qualitative data to simply ‘color in’ the quantitative data. Give it a face, so to speak. Qualitative data is usually supplemental to quant data and used more to make the reports ‘fun’ and ‘warm’ because graphs and charts and stats by themselves are boring to look at in a meeting. (I’m not making this up, I can’t tell you how many times I was told to make adjustments on how things were reported on because they didn’t want to bore people in the meeting). (Sub-point – it is also worth noting that you can’t report on anything that doesn’t fit easily on a power point slide and isn’t easily digestible to any random person who might pick it up and read it. The amount of times I was told to simplify points and dumb things down so it could be made ‘digestible’ for a business audience, I can’t even tell you. It was soul crushing and another reason I stopped doing this job full time. I had to make things VERY dumb for these business audiences, which often meant losing a lot of the point I was actually trying to make) Point 5.1 – Because of the way that representative sampling works, quantitative data can be very misleading, particularly in understanding audience/fandom sentiments about media. As I’m sure most of you know, sampling is typically designed to be representative of the population, broadly speaking. So, unless a media company is specifically out to understand LGBTQ consumers or Hispanic/Latinx consumers, it will typically sample using census data as a template and represent populations that way. Roughly 50/50 male/female. Roughly even numbers in different age brackets, roughly representative samplings of the racial make-up of the country, etc. (FYI, they do often include a non-binary option in the gender category these days, but it usually ends up being like 5 people out of 2000, which is not enough of a sample to get statistical significance for them as a distinct group)   There is a good reason to do this, even when a show or movie has a disproportionately female audience, or young audience. Because they need enough sample in all of the “breaks” (gender, race, age, household income, etc.) to be able to make statistically sound statements about each subgroup. If you only have 35 African American people in your sample of 1000, you can’t make any statistically sound statements about that African American cohort. The sample is just too small. So, they force minimums/quotas in a lot of the samples, to ensure they can make statistically sound statements about all the subgroups they care about. They use ratings data to understand what their audience make up actually is. (Which also has major failings, but I’ll leave that alone for the minute) With market research, they are not usually looking to proportionately represent their audience, or their fandom; they are looking to have data they can break in the ways they want to break it and still have statistically significant subgroups represented. But that means that when you report on the data as a whole sample – which you often do – it can be very skewed towards groups who don’t make up as large a portion of the show’s actual audience, or even if they do, they don’t tend to be the most invested, loyal, active fans. Men get weighted equally to women, even when women make up 65% of the audience, and 80% of the active fandom. Granted, they DO break the data by gender, and race, and age, etc. and if there are major differences in how women versus men respond, or younger people versus older people, they want to know that...sometimes. But here’s where things get complex. So, if you are doing a sample of Supernatural viewers. And you do the standard (US census-based) sampling on a group of 2000 respondents (a pretty normal sample size in market research). ~1000 are going to be female. But with something they call “interlocking quotas” the female sample is going to be representative of the other groupings to a degree. So, the female sample will have roughly equal numbers of all the age brackets (13-17, 18-24, 25-34, etc.). And it will have roughly 10% non-heterosexual respondents, and so on. They do this to ensure that these breaks aren’t too conflated with each other. (For example, if your female sample is mostly younger and your male sample is mostly older, how do you know whether it is the gender or the age that is creating differences in their responses? You don’t. So, you have to make sure that all the individual breaks (gender, race, age) have a good mix of the other breaks within them, so groups aren’t getting conflated) But what that means is, Supernatural, whose core fandom is (at a conservative guess) 65% younger, queer, women, gets represented in a lot of statistical market research sampling as maybe 50-100 people, in a 2000-person survey. 50-100 people can barely move the needle on anything in a 2000-person survey. Furthermore, usually in the analysis of data like this, you don’t go beyond looking at 2 breaks simultaneously. So you may look at young female respondents as a group, or high income male respondents, or older white respondents, but you rarely do more than 2 breaks combined. And the reason for that is, by the time you get down to 3 breaks or more (young, Hispanic, women) you usually don’t have enough sample to make statistically significant claims. (It also just takes longer to do those analyses and as I explained in the beginning, they are always rushing this stuff). To do several breaks at a time you’d have to get MUCH larger samples, and that’s too expensive for them. And again, I want to stress, this type of sampling isn’t intended to sinisterly erase anyone. Kind of the opposite. It is intended to make sure most groups have enough representation in the data that you can make sound claims about them on the subgroup level. The problem is that it can create a very skewed sense of their overall audience sentiment when they take the data at ‘face value’ so to speak, and don’t weight segments based on viewership proportion, or fandom engagement, etc. Point 5.2 – Which leads me to my next point, which is that fandom activity that doesn’t have a dollar amount attached to it doesn’t make you a ‘valuable’ segment in their minds. One of the breaks they ALWAYS ask for in data like this is high income people, and people who spend a lot of MONEY on their media consumption. And they do prioritize those people’s responses and data quite a bit.   And guess what – young women aren’t usually high-income earners, and although some of them are high spenders on media, high spending on media and media related merch skews toward higher income people just because they HAVE more disposable income. Older white men are usually the highest income earners (absolutely no surprise) and they are more likely in a lot of cases to report spending a lot on the media they care about. Having expendable income makes you more important in the eyes of people doing market research than if you’ve spent every day for the last 10 years blogging excessively about Supernatural. They don’t (really) care about how much you care. They care about how much money you can generate for them. And given that young audiences don’t watch TV live anymore, and they give all their (minimal) expendable income to Netflix and Hulu, you with your Supernatural blog and your 101 essays about Destiel is all but meaningless to many of them (from a business standpoint) Now, some of them kind of understand that online fandom matters to the degree that fandom spreads. Fandom creates fandom. But if the fandom you are helping to create is other young, queer women with minimal income who only watch Supernatural via Netflix, well, that’s of very limited value to them as well. I don’t want to suggest they don’t care about you at ALL. Nor do I want to suggest that the “they” we are talking about is even a cohesive “they.” Different people in the industry have different approaches to thinking about fandom, consumer engagement and strategy, market research and how it ought to be understood/used, and so on. They aren’t a monolith. BUT, they are, at the end of the day, a business trying to make money. And they are never going to place the value of your blogging ahead of the concrete income you can generate for them. (Also, highly related to my point about people lying, men are more likely to SAY they have higher incomes than they do, because it’s an ego thing for them. And women are more likely to downplay how much money they spend on ‘frivolous’ things like fandom because of the social judgement involved. Some of the money gender disparity you see in media market research is real, but some of it is being generated by the gender norms people are falsely enacting in market research– men being breadwinners, women wanting to avoid the stereotype of being frivolous with money) *** In sum/tl;dr: Point 1 – Market research in general is not well conducted because of a variety of constraints including time, money, and the historical norms of how the industry operates (e.g., there being a large subsection of almost professionalized respondents who know how to game the system for the financial incentives) Point 2 – Media is a highly atypical kind of product being studied more or less as if it were equivalent to a coffeemaker or a pair of jeans. Point 3 – Most of the people studying media consumption in the market research field have no expertise or background in media, film, narrative, storytelling, etc. They are primarily people who were trained as social scientists and statisticians, and they aren’t well equipped to research media properties and people’s deeper emotional attachment and meaning-making processes related to media properties. Point 4(etc.) – Average consumers typically don’t have enough self-awareness or the vocabulary to explain the deep, underlying reasons they like pieces of media. Furthermore, when participating in market research, people lie and misrepresent their thoughts, behaviors, and emotional responses for a variety of reasons including social awkwardness and preserving certain self-narratives like “I’m above caring about dumb, low-brow things like romance.” Point 5 (etc.) – Quantitative data is treated as way more meaningful, valuable, and ‘accurate’ than qualitative data, and this is a particular problem with media market research because of how varied and complex people’s reactions to media can be. Also, the nature of statistical sampling, and how it is done, can massively misrepresent audience sentiments toward media and fail to apprehend deeper fandom sentiments and dynamics. There is also a strong bias towards the responses of high income/high spending segments, which tend to be older and male and white. Side but important point – Research reports are written to be as entertaining and digestible as possible, which sounds nice in theory, but in practice it often means you lose much of the substance you are trying to communicate for the sake of not boring people or making them feel stupid/out of their depth. (Because god forbid you make some high-level corporate suit feel stupid) *** What can be done about this? Well, the most primary thing I would recommend is for you to participate in market research, particularly if you are American (there’s a lot of American bias in researching these properties, even when they have large international fanbases). However, some international market research is done and I recommend looking into local resources for participation, where ever you are. If you are American, there are now several market research apps you can download to your smart phone and participate in paid market research through (typically paid via PayPal). Things like dscout and Surveys On the Go. And I know there are more. You should also look into becoming panelists for focus groups, particularly if you live near a large metropolitan area (another bias in market research). Just Google it and you should be able to figure it out fairly easily. Again, it is PAID, and your perspective will carry a lot more weight when it is communicated via a focus group or a dscout project, versus when it is shouted on Twitter. However, that’s merely a Band-Aid on the bigger issue, which I consider to be the fact that businesspeople think the Humanities is garbage, even when they make their living off it. There is virtually no respect for the expertise of fictional textual analysis, or how it could help Hollywood make better content. And I don’t know what the fix is for that. I spent 4 years of my life trying to get these people to understand what the Humanities has to offer them, and I got shouted down and dismissed so many times I stopped banging my head against that wall. I gave up. They don’t listen, mostly because conceding to the value of deep-reading textual analysis as a way to make better content would threaten the whole system of how they do business. And I mean that literally. So many people’s jobs, from the market researchers to the corporate strategists to the marketing departments to the writers/creatives to the C-level executives, would have to radically shift both their thinking and their modes of business operation and the inertia of ‘that’s the way it’s always been done’ is JUST SO POWERFUL. I have no earthly idea how to stop that train, let alone shift it to an entirely different track. BTW, if you want the deeper level of analysis of why I can’t stop rewatching Moneyball now that it’s been added to Netflix, the above paragraph should give you a good hint

Slender bros rewritten by me

Cause I want character development

(This is mostly Offender, trender, and Splendor. Also if you like Slendey/slender dad you might not wanna read this cause I do not make him a good guy in the slightest)

Possible tw for mention sexual assault, pedolophilia, necrophilia, and zoophilia!

To start off, Offender is not a rapist, he isn’t a pedo, and he doesn’t fuck animals

He doesn’t do anything without consent, plain and simple. Him being all those things was a rumor started by someone he fucked in the past who got caught cheating. They said Offender forced them and the rumors have escalated since with his legend.

He actively avoids children cause he doesn’t like them. So he literally couldn’t be a pedo.

He doesn’t hate kids, he just prefers to not be around them.

He won’t fuck someone with kids unless the kids are out of the house and somewhere safe.

He’s wary about fucking 18 and 19 year olds and usually doesn’t

Occasionally if he sees a kid sad while he’s on a walk or whatever he’ll give them some daisies or something. Though they kinda just appear near the kid. He doesn’t actually go near them.

Though he will fuck old people. He has no problem with that. But he will go gentler cause they’re frail

He likes animals, but not like that. Like.. ew

He has a kind of respect for the dead, even people he’s killed to eat, so he’d never do that. Also it goes back to the consent thing. They can’t consent so he ain’t gonna fuck them.

He’s pansexual.

He’s very kinky, obviously. He’s willing to do pretty much anything in bed

He prefers to top but he has no problem being pegged-

Has tried every drug there is.

Usually just sticks to weed, alcohol, crack, shrooms, and the occasional LSD

Bath salts fucked him up majorly and he will never do them again.

He works for trender, who has a whole ass company (will be touched on later)

He helps trender make clothes for more alt styles (punk, grunge, goth, emo, all that good stuff) and he helps with lingerie (masc and fem. trender makes both. Offender tests it out and gives feedback on what could be added or changed)

He also finds models for Trender (there’s really no qualifications to be a model, you kinda just have to want to be one. Trender, his assistants, and other models will help fill new models in. And they never have to wear something they don’t want or pose a way that makes them uncomfortable. also theres do discrimination when it comes to models, any one of any race, body type, gender (or lack there of), sexuality, and age to an extent (depending on the clothes being modeled and (if parent permission is needed if they get it)) are welcome)

He also does side jobs like art (he does realistic art) plays piano or violin for songs, every so often he’ll join a strip club. Definitely has an OF.

He learned piano from his dad. Their dad made them all learn piano. His dad was very against him learning violin but his mother let him learn it (she knew how to play)

Their parents kept them pretty reserved from the rest of the world (particularly humans) for safety reasons. The brothers didn’t find out they were the only ones of their kind till they were like teens and went hunting for the first time.

Their parents suddenly disappeared when they were teens. They still haven’t found them and have no idea what happened to them.

Zalgo killed them cause the dad was constantly fighting him, so was the mom but less so.

There were originally 5 brothers, but one got murdered (It was Tenderman. Who wouldve been the oldest, then slender, offender and trender are twins, then splendor)

They don’t know how tender was murdered. All they know is they can be murdered. They still haven’t figured out how tho.

They do know that they can regenerate any part of their body (teeth and nails grow back almost instantly, limbs take longer, they can just put their head where it should be and the bone, muscle, skin, tissue and all that will pull back together, skin can either regenerate in about an hour or two or a couple days depending on the size of the wound. Their organs can regenerate but it takes like a month.)

Drugs don’t effect them the same way they do us. Our massive hangovers that put us out of commission is what happens after they do LSD. A regular hangover for us is what happens when they do coke or a drink shit ton of alcohol.

Offender has the highest tolerance, then it’s trender, splendor, and Slender has the lowest cause he hasn’t done drugs.

Splendor has tried them but doesn’t like doing them. He doesn’t drink much either.

Trender will do them every so often, usually with Offender. He either drinks or smokes a blunt usually. Shrooms are for special occasions, and LSD gives him major anxiety so he doesn’t do it.

Trender and Offender were the only ones to try bath salts. They don’t know what happened. Splendor says they disappeared for a month and murdered a shit ton of people. They almost got caught. And at some point Offender ate a whole ass headstone and took a chunk out of a mausoleum

Slender hunts whenever the hell he wants, he doesn’t care about being caught

Offender hunts every couple of months or so

Trender hunts about 2 times a year. He spreads out his food pretty evenly

Splendor hates hunting and usually Offender or Trender will do it for them. They’ll maybe hunt once a year.

Human food to them is like sweets to us. They can’t live off it but it’ll keep them from starving. If they don’t eat human for about 3-4 years they’ll start to starve, but the process is slow and would probably take a while to actually kill them

Trender, Splendor, and Offender try not to get caught or make suspicions rise. They just wanna live their lives.

The amount of people they consume and how long they stay in their human form determines their power levels.

Slender is the most powerful, then Splendor, Offender, and Trender is the least powerful (but they’re all still mega powerful)

Slender is never in his human form and consumes humans whenever he wants so he has nothing holding back his power

Splendor may not eat human much but they’re rarely ever in his human form. And if they are it’s not for more than an hour usually

Offender is in his human form about 50% of the time. He’s in his normal form at home or hunting and any other time he’s human so-

Trender is in his human form like 90% of the time since he spends most of his time at work (he’s a workaholic to the highest extent. When it becomes really bad is when Offender will step in and be like “hey let’s grab a drink and chill out”)

Offender and Slender’s relationship is like Raph and Leo’s from tmnt if their relationship was genuine hatred and violent

Splendor tries to med their relationship and makes times where they all hang out and have dinner together but to no avail

This is the only time Slender can be seen in his human form. He doesn’t want to go but for some reason he does

Slender is stuck in his ways

Their dad hated humans with a passion, and Slender looked up to their father and wanted to be exactly like him so the hatred rubbed off

Slender blames humans for his parents disappearing and Tender’s death. Tender was the brother he bonded with the most

Splendor used to be a really emotional kid and their father hated that so now they bottle up everything

Their mother tried to help as best she could

V support

Trender’s company is a fashion company that produces just about everything

And the sizes go up to 4 or 5 x

And the prices are reasonable and don’t go up with the size

Trender really doesn’t give to shits about money. If he could he’d just give everything he makes away but unfortunately he needs some money to produce what he makes.

He makes kids clothing, teens clothing, adults clothing in every aesthetic you can think of. Rarely will you see basic shit from him

He makes jewelry (real and fake (for the kiddies) and specifies very obviously which is which so someone doesn’t accidentally buy the wrong one)

He makes shoes!

His prices are usually around 10-25 dollars for clothing, sometimes 30 if it’s a specific brand (like Gorillaz or something. He doesn’t work with brands like Victoria secret, brands that have sweat shops, things like that. He doesn’t support them whatsoever)

His business is huge but he always listens to the people and tries to improve. And all his products are made ethically. He tries in every way possible to produce good products without polluting the earth more

Splendor usually only hangs around babies-young adults. They help them through rough home lives, trauma, and helps them find joy. They do everything they can to make them feel better

Splendor is the one who takes care of Sally. And they feels incredibly guilty for not being able to stop what happened to her, or punish her uncle himself.

Animals and mystical creatures are drawn to them and their home. They go to it for shelter and safety, as well as some food. But because Splendor isn’t always there they have a nymph friend there to look after everything.

Slenderman is the only one with proxies

Splendor is demisexual and bi, leaning towards men

Trender is queer and demisexual/demiromantic

Slender doesn’t love anything. Ever.

Trender gets annoyed easily but rarely ever gets pissed pissed (like original face altering pissed) if he does it’s either cause someone did something to his brothers or his models. And the unfortunate soul who did such will never be seen again afterwards

Offender doesn’t really get pissed pissed cause he usually either bottles it up or makes a joke out of it. It’s really only if something happens to his brothers that he gets pissed pissed.

Splendor has a list of people they wish they could rip to shreds. All of them parents. But they don’t want to do that to the children. They only intervenes and gets pissed pissed when the abuse gets physical or sexual. When it’s physically they’ll give the parent one change to never do that again. They’ll scare the shit outta them but won’t hurt them. If it’s sexual they kill them. Plain and simple.

Splendor started wearing pokadots to make the kids happy. Trender hates the suit but doesn’t comment usually

Splendor’s black hands are a skin disease their species can have. The skin is black and kinda ridged.

Splendor wears gloves because of their skin disease. the blood stains and they can’t get it out. Also they’re very insecure about their disease

Splendor put the bells on their tendrils so their movements didn’t scare the kids. They would always know when he was moving and where he was moving to so they’d be more comfortable. It was painful but it was worth it

Slender was in the woods when he was younger and almost got attacked by humans, but his mother came and saved him. (Her tendrils could be used as a shield)

Eden is not related to the brothers.

But eden looks a lot like their mother, so much so that Spendor legitimately mistakes her for their mother.

Slender’s human name is John (splendor had to come up with it on the spot leave them be)

Offender’s human name is Dimitri and I’ll die on this hill

Splendor’s human name is Faer

Trender’s human name is Quael

They can change their physical appearance to be fem or masc. like their body can change.

Slender doesn’t give two shits about pronouns

Offender doesn’t care but he/they/xem works

Trender goes by he/him

Splendor goes by they/them

(Im including Slenderwoman now so uh... 🤷)

Her hair is her tendrils.

She’s not part of the Slender bro family nor does she know they exist (though eventually she will. She’s way younger than them so)

✨Lesbian✨

Has met Slenderman tho. She hates him

Like genuinely hates his guts

She hates almost sharing a name with him.

Prefers to go by her human name; Eden

As long as you don’t use the pronouns he/him she doesn’t care.

She just kinda... appeared at the ripe age of 4? (She doesn’t remember anything past 4 so that’s what if feels like to her.)

Splendor is a switch and you can’t change my mind

Trender is also a switch

Slender doesn’t get any cause he’d kill them, purposely or not, being radioactive and all.

Eden is a top but can bottom is convinced

Offender, Splendor, Trender, and Eden can all control their radiation output so they can glitch tech when they chose and won’t hurt anyone

Slender could but doesn’t want to 🤷

They can be killed by their hearts getting impaled. The reason they don’t know that is because the skin will heal, but the heart can’t.

Offenderman’s real name isn’t Offenderman. That name was dubbed to him when people believed the rumors of him. But he kept it. He can’t really explain why but he did. And now he forgets it’s not his real name sometimes. Though he does prefer to go by Offender/Smexy.

Splendor calls him Offendy and he’s the only one allowed to do so

Trended has four arms, plus his tendrils. He can hide his second pair of arms like his tendrils but it takes energy

Getting their limbs/tendrils cut off only stings to them. They’re only in full on pain when their organs are involved

Eden’s blood has healing properties.

Someone can be turned immortal by being injected with one of the brother’s (or Eden’s) blood in large amounts. It’s extremely painful though.

Doing it slowly can ease the pain, so doing it over a week’s time nonstop will get the job done.

The injected person will be very weak after it for a couple days. A week. 2 weeks in worse cases.

The only one who’s done this is Splendor. They were dating a guy for a very long time and they told him about the procedure and he wanted it. After gaining back his strength he left Splendor. They’re not entirely over this even though it happened a long time ago.

They (mainly Offender and Trender) had to track him down and kill him. (Ya know, heart stuff)

That’s when they figured that’s probably how they could get murdered 

The Boyz college au

because i’m the worst and have spurts of radio silence when i want to be writing my aus but in my defense it is my last week of school for the semester and i’ve been working on getting my associate’s degree :))))))

but anyway uhhh yeah this isn’t ateez i know but i’m still thinking about the be your own king video the boyz released out of literal NOWHERE and i felt inspired today in the middle of doing homework and wanted to provide you with something i hope no one’s done this so i can be original but i wouldn’t hold me breath

Hyunjae 

he’s on the swim team and really into animation, but his major is undeclared. he’s constantly being hounded about needing to decide on a major, but he really just doesn’t care enough. yes he cares about his education (as can be seen by his top notch grades), he just doesn’t know what he wants to do and doesn’t see a problem in that. but he’s into a lot of different clubs besides his swim team, like the art club he frequents with juyeon every week. hyunjae also played a cyborg in one of kevin’s short films, and because of that he’s known as ‘the arm guy’ to a lot of people around campus. everyone else knows him as the star swimmer who’s always at the pool

Juyeon 

he’s an art major, his favorite medium being paint. he’s also really interested in modeling, so he will help out some photography and other art students if they need someone. most people go to him first though because he’s just so beautiful and fits so many different aesthetics and is overall just such a natural at this stuff like wow. he loves making messes for his art projects because it shows that messy can be good sometimes, and it shows he has fun! his social media is mostly pictures of his artwork, but the pictures of him are the most popular and always get the most comments

Q/Changmin 

dance dance dance my guy, he’s a dance major on the dance team who competes in underground dance competitions. his major deals mostly with classical training like ballet and modern dance while the dance team does a lot of hiphop and theatrical dancing, and he mostly freestyles for his competitions. and in case you’re wondering, yes he always wins. honestly though he dances everywhere because it’s what he loves to do, and he loves theatrics and putting on a show. people will find him in really random places around campus practicing or recording covers or even just freestyling because he can

Haknyeon 

he’s a theater major. he likes musical theater and all but his favorites are classic plays. he especially loves shakespeare and has starred in nearly every production of his that the university has put on. he’s just really good at portraying romance and tragedy and even the comedies and it shows. it’s partly because he just loves romance dude what a dweeb so he really puts his whole heart in those performances. he’s always trying to get kevin to make a short film about a reimagined shakespeare story but he has yet to listen to him

Kevin 

he’s a film major with a minor in creative writing. really the guy just wants to write and direct his own movie because how much fun would that be! he stars in a lot of his student short films because a lot of his friends would rather die than do that, but it’s okay because kevin still has fun!! def the type to make iconic indie films by accident when he’s through with college. his favorite genre is fantasy because he loves being transported to far off places, and if he’s able to transport other’s to a place he created? that’s the dream

Sunwoo 

majors in music despite a bunch of people telling him it’s not realistic and a bunch of “you won’t be able to get a solid job if you major in something like that” bullshit, and because of this he has to put himself through college because no one’s really helping him out. it’s hard but sunwoo works part time at a car wash place and a roller rink guess which he likes more. but he knows how to vibe and is able to make his work fun, and it’s very apparent to those around him. people are always asking for the cute one that dances while he works

Sangyeon 

everyone expects him to be the most responsible with his schooling, getting a degree in something professional like business and joining a bunch of leadership and volunteer oriented clubs. while yes he’s done all of that, he’d much rather be at the arcade playing games :( in fact he’s joined a lot of gaming competitions through the arcade, and he’s won a lot of them too! as weird as it sounds, that’s his motivation - knowing that he can win these games and the glory that comes with it, though he’s not a sore loser about things because who does that help? not that he could ever let people on campus know about what he does after school, otherwise they’d just laugh at him. right?

New/Chanhee 

mans is a fashion major and fucking rules at it. he was the kid in high school who was always dressed to the nines while everyone looked at him either like “bro chill out” or “lmao what are you wearing?” it was annoying sure, but he likes clothes and how they make him feel. a lot of people stereotype him because of this though and act like they know everything about him. it’s infuriating and hard to just brush off, but at the end of the day he knows he’s happy with himself and what he is doing. and he knows that’s all that matters

Younghoon 

he’s a lit. major with a concentration in the classics. he and haknyeon honestly bond a lot in that aspect because they’re constantly reading and rereading classic novels and plays together. he thrives in history too, and he’s constantly seen in the library so that he can learn more things. he likes cultural programs and clubs too because it means he gets to learn more about his own and get to learn about others’ as well. his ultimate dream is to write a story that will become a classic one day, even if it takes hundreds of years for it to happen. he’s patient

Jacob 

he’s another music major, but the main difference between him and sunwoo is that he’s not alone in putting himself through school. his family is supportive and helps him out with money, but they also give him a lot of freedom. he’s honestly pretty close with sunwoo despite all of this, and they’re constantly working on music together. jacob knows he can’t just rely on his family though so he works too. works part time at the local fair/amusement park which sunwoo just cannot fathom because “why would you do that to yourself? being around all those rotten kids sounds like a nightmare.” unlike sunwoo, jacob actually likes kids, and even more he likes to see people smile

Eric 

he’s actually on a sports scholarship for baseball. he doesn’t technically need the money for school, but he works in a garage fixing up cars in basically all of his spare time. it’s kinda obvious that he’s on the young side because he’s very “cars are cool :)” and there’s nothing wrong with that, it just means there’s a lot of people younghoon telling him he should join more clubs and become more involved in things going on around campus. but he takes pride in his skill at baseball and in his work with cars and the fact that he just got his driver’s license! take that younghoon

Y’know how the Devildom has Devildom-brand companies that also exist IRL? They’ve got their own version of Lush, their own version of rich-bitch brands, etc... 

Now initially I thought, hey, why wouldn’t the bros be in on this whole business thing? It’d make sense if Asmo had a hand in the Devildom’s version of Lush, makin the products he wants to use, and that’d be a pretty cool way of workin it, I might even make a post abt industries they work in and how they work them, 

But on the other, objectively funnier, hand? Imagine some small-league demon, not a whole lotta power, not a whole lotta influence, noticing that the head-honchos have a few... character traits that would make them a whole lotta buck. 

So you have this lil Greedling rushing over to a low-level Lust demon, with this whole-ass business plan about how they could make beauty-products, but not just your traditional makeup. Oh, no no no. We’re talkin bath bombs to make your skin sparkle, soaps that leave a lasting scent, crap to put in your hair to make it nice and silky smooth, all sorts of redundant shit that’ll never work and does nothing to improve anything - 

- and we’re talkin a whole-ass smear campaign against anything other than their products, which are obviously better for your skin and don’t cause even half the damage the other products do. It’s a scam, really, but hey! A quick buck from the top-dogs? Now that’s a pretty cool thing, ain’t it?

Which means, of course, that they need to get a Wrath demon to work in their marketing department. They don’t have a marketing department before that. In fact, is it even marketing if all the Wrathling does is shit-talk their competitors? It probably doesn’t matter, either way; it’s not like they’re tryina do it legit, so they mostly just let him get on with it. Except, uh, the dude’s real good at what he does, and soon enough they’re pretty much the only ones on the market.

Now, naturally, this is before any of these products exist in the human world. In fact, there’s pretty much nothing like it anywhere. A lot of it is an extreme amount of trial and error, and a surprising amount of near-death hijinks. 

(The bath bombs really only come around because the Lustling thinks it’d be neat to have something to “spice up bathtime” and the Greedling takes that to mean “glitter”, which the Wrathling ends up concluding means “explosion”. Eventually they work it down into something that’s actually useful, as well as aesthetically pleasing. Which, huh. They hadn’t expected that to work. An actual, usable product? Maybe the Lustling’s better at this than the Greedling gave her credit for.)

Their next hurdle is quality control. Yeaaaah, that’s an expense the Greedling didn’t account for. Turns out your customers don’t like it when your “brand” doesn’t have a specific “standard”. Who’d’a thunk it? They sure as hell didn’t. It’s just a scam, after all; who cares if their crap is sub-par when they’re just tryina make some cash? 

Thankfully the Lustling knows a guy, who turns out to be a Pride demon, which at first nobody thinks will work except it turns out Pridelings have high standards. Super high standards. There’s not a single error in any of their products by the end of production, which is actually a pretty cool thing to brag about, and hey, what do you know? That actually works in their favour.

Well, it does when they get their actual marketing guy on-board, anyway; some Envy demon who worked for one of the other companies and got coerced into theirs by the Wrathling. Turns out bragging about how great you are is exactly what makes a business thrive. And, y’know, a healthy dose of envy sprinkled in. Nothing inspires a demon to buy your crap more than the knowledge that they’re missing out. 

So, okay. Now it’s more of a business and less of a scam. Which isn’t what the Greedling intended. At all. They’ve got a product designer, a quality control advisor, two marketing directors, and, huh, guess that means they’re the CEO or somethin? They’ve got a brand, a brand standard, they’ve even got somethin like a name, 

And they’ve got actual products that actually work like they’re intended to, with actual health and beauty benefits that are actually better than the competitors that no longer exist. 

So by the time Asmo comes around to buy their shit, the Greedling’s completely forgotten that it was meant to be a scam to get one of the Avatars to fork over some cash because it’d be easy as hell to manipulate their very vain Lord into buying cheap, worthless products for big Grimm. 

And this, it turns out, is how most businesses in the Devildom start.

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 06 (first part)

(Masterpost)(Episode 05)

Warning: This contains spoilers for All 50 Episodes

Bad Boys Bad Boys What You Gonna Do

Nie Huasang’s brought his nuts, and someone’s brought wine, so the boys are drinking in Wei Wuxian’s guest house. Finally he gets to drink some of the Emperor’s Smile wine that he’s been doing all those product placements for.

Boys, get a bowl or something for your shells, were you raised in a barn?

Wei Wuxian hits on waxes poetic about the wine, and Jiang Cheng tells him to shut up. 

Wang Zhuocheng’s raw-fish-eating face may have failed him, but his drunk faces do not disappoint.

Wei Wuxian teases Jiang Cheng about his list of standards for a chick: She should have natural beauty, be virtuous and caring, from a good family, not too talkative, with a gentle voice, and not too capable. Also she should not spend too much money. Drunken running ensues.

Cue Maple Leaf Rag by Scott Joplin

(more behind the cut)

Much of the fandom has decided this list is a good fit for Nie Huaisang himself, and it sorta is. But he is both talkative and unvirtuous, what with all the current sneakiness, and all the eventual murders. 

This also definitely doesn't fit Wen Qing because she's capable as hell.  

This list is, however, a 100% a match for Jiang Yanli. Not in a weird, Jin Guangyao way--a lot of men want to marry a woman like their sister.  In a gender-divided and generation-divided society, a man’s sister might be the only woman he’s ever known well. Jiang Cheng adores Yanli and she’s his ideal model of a woman, as opposed to his mother, who...isnt.  

All these robes and talismans over the door do nothing to stop Lan Wangji from strolling in.  

Okay so - Lan Wangji is the senior disciple of the Lan Clan, yea? There is no way that patrolling the guest area is in any way his job. He is just walking around here at night specifically to see what Wei Wuxian is doing.

I already did a gifpost of the boys and their totally nonsexual horseplay, over here. I’ll just add, for sad factor, that Jiang Cheng is play-choking Wei Wuxian when they’re all on the bed, and later in the running-and-crying episode he is gonna for-real choke him. Foreshadowing! or maybe just coincidence!

One fun thread running through the young-cultivators episodes is that Nie Huaisang is legit terrified of Lan Wangji while also having a major aesthetic crush on him. Look at how flustered he is here, trying to act sober while also checking him out. 

Lan Wangji is shocked and visibly upset - what are you guys doing? This is not his busting face, this is, for a moment, his vulnerable and disillusioned face. He is super not used to what normal people are like. 

Wei Wuxian doesn't lie or otherwise try to get off the hook, which has got to have Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang grinding their teeth in frustration. He invites Lan Wangji to join them for a drink. LWJ cites a the “no drinking on campus” rule and WWX tries to convince him to chill. 

Then we have this lovely coordinated faint by the boys, to get out of going to get punished. Nie Huaisang has been practicing fainting in front of a mirror just in case he ever needs a skill like that in the future. 

Wei Wuxian keeps trying to turn this into a date. Eventually Lan Wangji is so upset he admits he can’t take all three of them by himself. 

Then the boys run away fake-barfing and Wei Wuxian hits Lan Wangji with a talisman. 

Steal His Agency That’s What You’re Gonna Do

What Wei Wuxian does to Lan Wanji here is definitely wrong. But it's not entirely a disaster.  It allows some crucial information to be shared between them, and it results in Wei Wuxian getting the utter shit beat out of him and never doing this again. I mean, he continues to mind-control his enemies and their eventual corpses, but he doesn't intentionally violate a friend or ally's autonomy in the future. Uhh not counting that whole golden core surgery-without-consent situation. And probably some other situations I’ve forgotten. He improves slightly, okay? 

It’s important to note, incidentally, that the Lan rules about drinking and other “vices” should not be viewed through a Christian lens. The Lans are neither puritans nor ascetics (look at their clothes, furniture, and jewelry, for starters). Being drunk is forbidden probably because it’s a loss of self-control. 

Speaking of self-control, mad props to Wang Yibo for being able to have zero physical reaction to fingers snapping in his face.

Drunk Lan Wangji

Under duress, Lan Wangji knocks back a cup of wine and promptly passes most of the way out. 

Wei Wuxian puts Lan Wangji into bed not unkindly, but pretty much like a sack of potatoes. Compare this to how tenderly he handles Lan Wangji the next time he’s drunk. 

WWX tells LWJ to call him Wei Gege, and giggles. Is this a term of endearment in this context? So far the various boys are calling each other -xiong, not -ge or gege.  In Western media, men calling each other “bro” is basically saying “no homo,” but brotherhood and sisterhood in C-Drama is often a way of indicating stronger love than friendship, without saying whether it's sexual or not. 

They finally start to have a conversation, and when Lan Wangji explains that no-one can touch his headband except, etc etc, Wei Wuxian stops trying to touch it. So at least he's not a handsy bastard in addition to all his other faults. 

Wei Wuxian tells Lan Wangji that his clan is boring and women won't want to marry him. Lan Wangji says that's fine. On one level this is the show acknowledging that he's gay, but I think he's responding in a gender-neutral way; he doesn't want to marry anyone. Marriage, from his perspective, is the literal worst. 

We don't know how he felt about his father, but he definitely loved his mother deeply, and she had a profoundly unhappy marriage, in which her husband did not provide companionship and her children were taken from her.

A note about all that: The dynamics of heterosexual marriages in The Untamed are not based on contemporary companionate marriage. Sex and reproduction is a wife's job in this world, and giving a gentry woman the option to choose her husband is radical. Wei Wuxian is the only one who dares say that Jiang Yanli should have a choice when Jin Guangshan casually tries to give her to his son in front of everyone.  

OP made this today but will totally reuse it when episode 23 rolls around

So Lan Wangji’s parents' marriage was extremely problematic but not necessarily for the reasons it would be in contemporary terms. Having signed on to marry Lan Dad, Mom would have expected to live together and get laid regularly (important for health, in some traditional views, regardless of love/no love) and to have the company of her children. Instead, she was isolated. Lan Dad wanted to have it both ways and so even though he loved her and apparently hooked up with her sometimes, he didn't do his duty by her. She didn't love him but she did her duty. 

Wei Wuxian continues to not get it, calling Lan Wangji dull and babbling about Lan Wangji’s parents until he realizes that LWJ is an orphan like him. 

A nice shift happens here. Once the penny drops, Wei Wuxian doesn't ask a single additional question - he just sees - by reading Lan Wangji’s face - what the deal is, and shares his own story to show he understands. 

This is the first time Wei Wuxian mentions being chased by dogs, which is kind of a big deal, because why was he left all alone when his parents died? 

Why didn't anyone take him in before Jiang Fengmian found him? How isolated are independent cultivators in this world? 

Tea Time

Lan Qiren and Lan Xichen are having tea, and the Lan Clan is so uptight they don't touch each other's teacups. I don't know what this thing is called so I'm going to call it a tea speculum. 

Lan Qiren is back from the cultivation conference and says the red crack plague is happening over in Qinghe where the Nie clan lives.  Lan Xichen fills him in on the water demon, specifically saying Wei Wuxian figured out the connection to the red crack dudes, and explaining who WWX is, as if Lan QIren hadn't already thrown stuff at him and threatened to eventually kill him. 

Fun fact that I just noticed this week so didn't make it into earlier posts: In Episode 46, when Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian are in the Jiang ancestral hall, WWX says he was often punished to kneel there, and LWJ said that they heard about this in Gusu.  

So when WWX came to Gusu he already had a reputation as a troublemaker, and the Lan brothers were aware of it.   

Busted and Beaten

A Lan snitch comes in to say that Wei Wuxian has successfully corrupted Lan Wangji, which really shouldn’t cause as much surprise as it does.

“Wei Wuxian got drunk”

“Lan Wangji got drunk”

Lan Xichen takes a moment to consider carefully whether Wei Wuxian is a good friend for his little brother and whether perhaps he was too hasty in throwing them together. Ha ha ha no he doesn’t. 

On the punishment porch, Lan Xichen tries to lecture Lan Wangji in a calm way, but Lan Qiren wants to beat him and Lan Wangji wants to get beat. Wei Wuxian can’t understand why Lan Wangji doesn’t let him take the blame for the drinking. 

Lan Qiren goes way the fuck overboard with this punishment because he's angry--losing control and losing his sense of proportion--and Lan Xichen is shocked. The drone camera watching from above is also shocked.  

Lan Qiren has a few (very few) redeeming qualities, but his extreme rigidity and chronic resentment of anyone he perceives as bad are serious problems. His nephews are both struggling with complex moral quandaries as they get older, and he is absolutely no help to them in resolving their conflicts.

This is definitely...a style of parenting & teaching, but you can see how poorly it works, with Lan Wangji straight up saying “fuck it” after many years of conformity.  Lan Xichen is devoted to the middle path and tries to be obedient. But he is actually not walking anywhere near the middle path, as he gets pulled into colluding with a murderer at the same time as getting dragged onto his brother’s carnival ride. These men need parenting that isn’t so, uh, fucking stupid. (Yes, grown adults still need good parenting; watch Go Ahead if you doubt me) 

Wei Wuxian initially yells and falls down when he gets hit, but then he sees Lan Wangji is taking the beating without any reaction and he tries to do the same. 

Aftermath

Jiang Yanli gently lectures the boys, blaming Jiang Cheng for Wei Wuxian's drinking.  Jesus Christ, he's the younger sibling, could you just NOT, Yanli?  

Both boys ask Yanli not to tell their parents. The boys bicker about who's at fault and then Wei Wuxian shifts to baby voice and starts whining to Yanli about the pain. 

Yanli tells him to suck it up, and says after school she'll -- ok and I know this will be a surprise for everyone -- make soup for them. The boys immediately get back on the same team, which is team Please Put Meat In the Soup.

There's a nice character building moment for Wei Wuxian here. When he sees Lan Xichen he initially turns away to avoid running into him, but then he adults-up and goes to face him and greet him, giving him a half of a bow because of the pain, the pain. Rather than complaining about his punishment he meekly asks if he's broken another rule. 

Lan Xichen tells him that he did wrong but that Lan Qiren’s punishment was too harsh, and then in what is one of my favorite Lan Xichen moments, invites Wei Wuxian to use the cold spring to heal, but doesn't invite Jiang Cheng to go with him even though Jiang Cheng also was beaten. Lan Xichen, Matchmaker Auntie Extraordinaire. 

Then he answers Wei Wuxian’s question about his mom by saying she was just like Wei Wuxian and drove Lan Qiran up the wall. Jiang Cheng's reaction to that is really sweet. He does enjoy Wei Wuxian at the same time as being constantly irritated by him. 

Lan Xichen does his patented “breaking off in the middle of saying something and leaving out a chunk of the story” maneuver, although this time he doesn't include a flute solo. 

OP is mildly obsessed with Xuan Lu’s shoulders in this outfit. Also Yanli has an interesting sword, that's got some wood carving similar to Subian, but without the organic look, which OP only noticed because of screen capping Xuan Lu’s shoulders.  

Club Ruohan

Wen Qing continues to be pretty and slightly evil at this stage, sending magic fire notes to her boss using this talisman that is definitely floating in the air and not just hanging from a string. 

Wen Ruohan is in the mosh pit with his zombie groupies while he reads Wen Qing’s extremely vague status update and says "it all makes sense." 

Reach out and touch faith

Soundtrack

Maple Leaf Rag by Scott Joplin Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode

Writing Prompt

How did Wei Wuxian’s parents die?

Admin Notes

I’m going to start spacing out my “first part” and “second part” posts by a few days.  I’ll update this post to link up the second part once I post it, and my masterpost is always up to date. 

Also: if you want more of my original content but don’t want to follow my whole blog (not following is fine!), I keep a pinboard of fun stuff at the top of my blog. I try to post original content at least once a week.

Continued in the second part later this week!

Thanks for the tag Az 🧡

My mind immediately goes to two dorms that I would hate to be in: Ignihyde and Octavinelle

Ignihyde: First off I would not respect Idia at all tbh. I'm loud, social and while I'm decent with technology I'm not good enough to say it's my specialty. The aesthetic isn't my favorite. On my disrespect for Idia I respect people I can look up to (aka yes I know why he is the way he is but I won't look up to him as a superior)

Octavinelle: Better vibes, hate the dorm members. While I doubt myself, I know I'm smart (with my lowest grade being 98% with about a month left in classes). I've dealt with many a legal paper so I wouldn't fall for Azul's UM. Wouldn't trust Jade as far as I can throw him and am too much of a joke to take Floyd seriously (flashback to a pissed off ex threatening to strangle me and my only response was "Kinky~" )

For dorms I can see myself in:

Savanaclaw: Aka the one I get in tests a lot. I was a varsity/state ranked athlete back in highschool, love to work out(can/have jokingly bench pressed my friend), did club soccer for 12 years (and still do soccer). But given a sport I will go all out until I physically cannot play anymore (one time during a game my mother came to pick me up when I had a mess of mud and blood on my uniform while smiling because it was fun. Be careful around goal posts). I was raised in sports culture so I know how to deal with all the dude bros and I will "metaphorically" bite back.

Pomefiore: Did modeling as a kid, my mother is a hair stylist and my sister is a cosmetologist. I have a 9 step morning skin routine and a 11 step night skincare routine (not counting any face mask). Have silk sheets for my skin and hair care, constant hair treatments and expensive hair products (my moms client literally gave me a around $200 conditioner [damn rich people]). I also have my own style and love dressing up.

Dorms I can possibly see myself in:

Heartslabyul: My kinship with Riddle of being raised by a narcissist 🤣 I have a good memory and am detail oriented so I'd remember the rules (and am good with remembering bs rules normally). Would totally think of some loopholes in the rules.

Diasomnia: Obviously can't say I'd for sure have strong magic (because magic isn't real irl) but I'd go off of loyalty. Malleus is one I can actually respect, I would love to talk to Sebek (because I like seeing people excited about things/look at the fandom, a ton of y'all are Sebek but towards the other boys). My love of small animals being around Silver and my similarity to Lilia.

Scarabia: The better smart dorm. I like the people in this dorm so much more than the octo trio. Cunning and careful planning are things I'm used to. I'm great with written tests too.

Creators: work on or post something from your WIP.

~~*~~

Okay, so this is a segment from a story that I’ve been working on, on and off, for like, two years, I think. I’m trying to work up some inspiration to finish it.

The premise is that one of Fellgore’s spies caught sight of Rus smoking outside at the Fell Brother’s home in Snowdin and reported it back to him. Of course he’s terribly curious about this strange skeleton and when he calls Edge to New Home to ask him about it, the only excuse that Edge can reasonably come up with without revealing the existence of other universes is that Rus is his new pet.

This leads to Fellgore inviting Edge to bring his new pet to the next feast that he holds, and denying a request from their King is a very quick way to end up in a dustpan. So, despite the fact that they are certainly not friends, Edge ‘persuades’ Rus to come with him. Rus is ever so happy about it.

~~*~~

"a dress?" Rus said flatly. Edge's mouth twisted. Rus was holding the dress out in two fingers as though it were something filthy. Edge couldn’t really blame him, he had every reason to be displeased. "Not my idea, I assure you. It was a gift from the king and unfortunately it would be a grave insult not to wear it." His excuse was not readily accepted. Rus looked between him and the dress, his sockets narrowed suspiciously. It was a common enough style for certain pets to wear more feminine attire, but this outfit was unique even amongst them. The bodice was made up of a variety of straps, some thin as a finger and others wider than his wrist. It managed to be somehow modest and indecent at the same time. Covering and uncovering skin, or in Rus's case, bone, as the wearer moved. It would certainly make for quite a tantalizing show for those who were watching, depending of course on who was wearing it. Rus finally seemed to decide that it wasn’t a cruel prank being played on him. He turned the dress in his hands awkwardly, trying to figure out how to pull it on. “Let me help,” Edge took it away and paused. “You’ll need to take off your other clothes first.”

With a long-suffering sigh, Rus stripped off, leaving his shorts and sweatshirt in rough pile. “happy?” “Ecstatic,” Edge pulled the dress over Rus’s head. Immediately, he managed to get tangled in the straps and Edge cursed, trying to free him even as Rus complained and squirmed. "Hold still!" Edge snapped. “You’re only making it worse!” It was easier when Rus stopped struggling, standing still and allowing Edge to arrange the dress on him. It took no little patience, organizing each strap from the most slender to the widest, but Edge could admit that the final product was very appealing to his sense of aesthetics. The deep purple was flattering against the ivory of Rus’s bones, the silken fabric inviting a touch. It would have been more appealing if the color didn’t hint at being royal property, but Edge had no leeway to complain about such a generous gift. Rus’s expression didn’t enhance the effect either, but that wasn’t anything Edge could change. "glad you're enjoying this," Rus said sullenly. "If I'm giving off the appearance of enjoying this in the slightest, it's purely accidental.” He picked up a small box from the table, not from Asgore this time but something he’d ordered made the moment Rus had agreed to come. “You'll need to wear this as well." Rus’s sullen expression flickered through shock to outright rejection as he saw what the box held. A slender collar, relatively plain with a tag hanging from it. There hadn’t been time for the creation of anything elaborate, but Edge found he preferred its simplicity. It would complement rather than distract. That was, if it was worn and Rus was shaking his head. "no, no fucking way. i said i'd help because of my bro, but a collar is asking too much, just no." "Very well," Edge said, flatly. "when Asgore has me executed for disobeying his orders, perhaps you'd be kind enough to help my brother sprinkle my dust." Rus started to say something and paused. Softly, he said, "you're serious, aren't you." "Do you think I'd be trying to drag you off to a damn feast with my King if it wasn't serious?" Edge snapped. Already a headache was lurking between his sockets and the night hadn’t even begun. "There is very little that I'd like to do less!" Rus exhaled slowly, "fuck." He picked up the collar gingerly, fingering the tag. "what's this symbol?" "It marks you as mine." "huh. red doesn't have a tag on his collar." "That would be because he doesn't belong to me. Red isn't a pet or a thrall, but he is under my protection.” A slow nod and Rus handed the collar to Edge. “well…i guess put it on. no point in putting on the dress if I’m not going to accessorize.” Threading the end through the buckle, he quickly fastened it on and stepped back.  “okay, this is a helluva lot deeper than it sounded when you were explaining it before,” Rus’s bored irritation had fled and now he was looking at Edge seriously. “i need some info here, what’s the expectation?” "Follow my lead, don't speak unless you're spoken to and for stars sake, keep whatever you say brief! You're supposed to be a pet. Don't eat before me or without permission, keep your head down, and maybe we'll get through this alive. Now let me look at you." Rus straightened, his casual stance shifting, and the difference was staggering. The drape of the skirt's folds moved as the wearer did, exposing peeks of his femurs, even as high as to offer tantalizing glimpses of his pelvis. The gift hadn't included shoes and Edge had been forced to barter for a pair of delicate sandals. They were both tall enough without forcing Rus to totter around on heels. He knelt and helped Rus put them on, buckling them with the same care he’d used on the collar. From his pocket, Edge pulled out a slender gold chain and fastened it around Rus's ankle. A little extravagance would be expected for a favored pet, though nothing too extravagant; his position offered more status than salary, no one would expect him to drape his pet in jewels. The delicate anklet was enough, it caught the light as Rus moved, gleaming prettily against the pale bone. He'd truly be beautiful, if it weren't for one detail. "are you fucking done yet?" "Watch your mouth," Edge warned him. "or there is no point to this charade." “yeah, yeah, i got this.” Silently, Edge pulled a thin cloak from his inventory, draping it around Rus. It would protect him from Snowdin’s chill, at least until they entered Hotland. He wondered dismally if he’d only condemned both of them by trying this. He supposed there was only one way to find out.