#because im not sure they could psychologically handle that as well | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

whoretan · 2 years

Text

You | Two

masterlist.exe

Summary: What should've been an easy pick-up ends up being one of the worst nights of your life.

Pairing: Jeongguk x Reader

Genre: SMUT, Psychological, Angst, Eventual Romance (Unhealthy and Obsessive)

Tags and Notes: yeah jungkook is fucking crazy, and sexy UUGH just you wait, lots of confusion, who is who what is going on, reader is going through it im sorry, reply to be added to taglist

WC: 3.2k

chap1_jk970.txt | chap2_trojan.exe | chap3_r3d.mp4

The hand you’ve pressed over your mouth pushes you backward until your spine collides with the closet’s wall. Quickly, you move your shoulders to the side, angling your body out of Jeongguk’s field of view, and hope that your dark clothing is enough to mask your presence inside the tight space.

With your free hand, you dig into the bottom pocket of your cargos. Your fingers claw at the cotton opening in search of metal. They wrap around the cold drive and you silently thank yourself.

“Soo, wait,” Jeongguk says, and with a wet plop, he removes his girlfriend’s mouth from his dick.

You could’ve very well been seeing things, you’re paranoia must’ve taken over when the panic settled in because there’s absolutely no chance that Jeongguk spotted you from a one-inch gap in his closet door. No way in hell.

Your vision blurs and your head shakes against the hand you still have planted against your mouth. No way, no way, no way. You endlessly repeat the phrase in your head as your fingers gouge themselves around the metal of the USB drive until you’re sure you’ve drawn blood.

You can’t lose the text file. You can’t.

If Jeongguk catches you in his closet he’s going to ask questions. He’ll get suspicious, check your pockets and find the USB, and once he gets the file, you’re done for sure.

Soojin’s mumbling something to Jungkook but all you could pick up on is the sound of pants being pulled up and the heavy slow steps of boots approaching the door.

The closet door.

Your feet are glued to the bottom of the floor, and your ribs are being jabbed by sneakers, boots whatever else Jeongguk hides in here. Snot builds up below your nose and runs into your mouth, leaving a wet and salty taste on your lips.

You’ll go to jail for this.

Your life will be over.

There’s a tsk outside the door and the handle to push the door open shakes, “How the fuck is it stuck?” Jeongguk growls from the other side, giving the door several tugs in the opposite direction.

It takes a few seconds for your brain to register the pain building up in the side of your foot. The same foot that happens to be blocking Jeongguk from sliding the door open and exposing you in it.

He shoves the door once more and you wince into your hand, that’ll definitely leave a bruise tomorrow.

“Yo Jeon! Open the damn door!” A voice erupts from the hallway, followed by several loud pounds on the door.

Jeongguk curses and the pressure on your foot subsides. The footsteps move away from the closet and somewhere to the opposite side of the room. Your eyes sting and you clamp them shut, letting the tears that accumulated on the brim race their way down onto the floor.

“What the fuck you want Taehyung?”

Taehyung?

Jeongguk knows Taehyung?

The same Taehyung that you spent an hour talking and sneaking into the frat with?

The same Taehyung that you told your plan of hacking the person he’s currently talking to?

“Quit your whinin’. Jimin’s beating the shit out of some guy downstairs.”

Yeah, that’s definitely your Taehyung.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Soojin, do not move.”

Jeongguk’s running starts with heavy thuds exiting his bedroom until the sound completely dissipates into what you presume to be downstairs. Your phone pings in your pocket, confirming the change in elevation.

You shakily breathe in, trying to regain the smidge of dignity you have left. Letting the USB go, you take your hand out of the pocket and rub the blood onto your pants.

Slowly, you lift yourself off your side and the pain in your ribs eases. You remove your hand from your mouth, trying to ignore the mixture of snot, tears, and sweat that’s glued to the surface. You lift your arm up, feeling for any cotton or any soft fabric, and when your hand lands on a piece of Jungkook’s clothing you tug the cloth downward and wipe your hand and nose on it. Fuck you, Jeongguk.

“Sweetheart, Imma’ need you to get the fuck outta here,” Taehyung says.

What?

Soojin scuffs, “I’m sorry?”

You pause, dropping the shirt onto the empty space next to you, and move back toward the gap. In the one-inch opening, you see Taehyung bend the upper half of his torso to Soojin’s level until his face is eerily close to hers.

He tilts his head, “I said, get the fuck out. Or I’ll let your lil’ boyfriend know about Senator Trent.”

Senator Trent? What the hell would Soojin have to do with the fucking Senator?

“I—“

Taehyung lifts his hand, grabs Soojin’s chin, and presses her cheeks together causing her lips to form a pouting shape. She shakes against his hold but Taehyung doesn’t falter, instead, he continues, “I don’t give a shit about what you wanna say. Now splat.”

He shakes Soojin’s chin one last time, and when he lets go, the girl runs out of the room.

Taehyung straightens and turns toward the closet.

You gulp, pushing yourself further into the wall.

“I know you’re in there. Now c’mon, we needa’ get outta here before he gets back,” Taehyung approaches the door and this time you let the panel slide open.

When your eyes meet his, his eyebrows furrow, and he sticks his hand out to you, “You good?”

You shake your head, grab his hand and let him help you back onto your feet. When you rise, your feet wobble, and Taehyung places his arm around you to steady you.

“He knew I was in here,” you stare at the now empty bed. The remnants of Jeongguk’s presence send shivers up your spine.

Jeongguk most definitely knew you were in the closet. He was fucking staring directly at you.

“Maybe,” Taehyung says and gives your shoulder a little squeeze, “but, he didn’t catch you did he?”

“No.”

“See. Now c’mon, let’s call you an Uber.”

You shove the USB into your desktop and quickly type in your password and watch as the PC unlocks itself, revealing the Windows XP wallpaper you installed months ago.

About half an hour ago, Taehyung took you down the emergency ladder, called you an Uber— on him— and told you to get home safely.

Didn’t give you his last name, or his number. Hell, he didn’t even let you know if you’d ever see him again.

On the bottom right, a disk icon appears with ‘JJK970 PASS’ attached as the title. You usher your swivel chair closer to the desk and double-click the icon, waiting for the file to open.

Your screen flashes black three times and you rush to press control and escape on your keyboard. Before you get the chance to force quit the file, your terminal opens and about sixteen scripts begin to run. Your eyes scan the Linux code, hoping to pick up on anything you might understand.

The words move at the speed of light, but your eyes flicker onto the red ‘Trojan.exe’ and at that moment you know you’re fucked.

Jeongguk encrypted a Trojan virus into the text file, and when you ran it on a different computer the script ticked off, like a horse hearing the gunshot at a rally.

Fuck. You’re going to have to blow the hardware. Right along with the drive that you so desperately worked for tonight. How did he figure you’d go to the frat?

Just as you’re about to bend underneath the desk and pull the cord connecting your desktop to the electricity, a website opens, and the sound of confetti being popped fills the room.

Congratulations ___,

It’s Jeongguk. Obviously. And before you ask, yes, I know it’s you. I mean, who else would you be stupid enough to hack me? Anyways, sweetheart, in about three minutes, your computer will start running the Trojan horse virus I’ve installed on your computer weeks ago. If you want to know, I have access to everything, so, I’d suggest you do a better job of encrypting your files next time you hack a house full of people.

I’ll give you two options.

One.

The Trojan will release a set of sixteen different emails coming directly from your student and personal emails to all of campus and the FBI. The emails include all of your computer logs, and who you’ve hacked. I’ve gone ahead and added my files on there too, so don’t worry. I suspect you know what that means, right? Good. I won’t explain it further.

Two.

Blow up the drive. Take all of your hardware and blow it up too. The virus will run for 25 minutes, plenty of time for you to blow up the hardware and meet one of my drivers who’s already waiting for you outside. You’ll meet me at the location I've told to my driver and we’ll discuss what’s going to happen. If you decide to be stupid and call the police, well, you already know what’ll happen.

Besides, you’re a smart girl, I’m sure you’ll make the right decision.

Love,

You reread the message once, then again, and again, and again until your hands are shaking so hard against the cord that you accidentally pull it out of the socket.

You yelp when the screen flashes black and the message Jeongguk left for you disappears. What are you going to do? You can’t go to the police, you’d be ratting yourself out. Can’t call Jennie, your roommate, her mouth is larger than the pit you’ve dug yourself into. It’d be the equivalent of calling the cops. And that’s as far as your social circle goes, so, you’re fucked.

A vibration rattles your thigh, and you tug your phone out of the pocket. On the screen, an iSH shell is running, similar to the one you had on Jeongguk earlier. You recognize the coordinates as they’re you’re very own.

Jeongguk’s tracking your phone, making sure you go downstairs and meet his driver. You’re starting to think that in reality, he has given you only one option.

You turn back to the PC and pull the drive out of it. Shoving the chair to the side, you bend on all fours and press the button you installed on your desktop to open the sliding glass door. Repeating a process you’ve done at least a dozen times, you remove the RAM, close the sliding door and lift yourself off the floor.

After what is basically bolting out of your room, you place the drive and RAM into the microwave, set the timer to thirty, and walk away.

Jennie who has the critical thinking skills of a toddler will assume you’re just being “extra paranoid” for no reason as usual and will toss the hardware into the bin as she’s done every time you’ve left its reminants in the microwave.

The wall of windows in your apartment glistens from the rain, and the lights from the surrounding buildings fills the void of the night sky. You don’t remember the forecast mentioning rain.

The RAM sends splatters of irons into all directions in the microwave, and the sound of what could very well be popcorn popping rustles the kitchen. You pay it no mind, ignoring the various gleaming sparks that fill the dark space of the apartment. You shove your pinging phone into your pocket and close the front door on your way out.

It takes you less than three minutes to sprint down the three flights of stairs, nearly tripping over your feet a couple of times. You don’t care though, your heart thumps in your chest, ears, and brain, sizzling your body with so much adrenaline you should’ve gone into cardiac arrest about ten minutes ago.

Outside, the same black Cadillac you noticed when the Uber dropped you off, waits. When you shove the glass door open and tug your hood over your head, the tinted window rolls down and you slip on the concrete, barely having enough time to use your hands to stop yourself from planting yourself face first onto the pavement.

“That surprised?” Jeongguk purrs from the backseat.

The driver, a tall, stocky, bald man exits the car and opens the rear door that faces the street. You avoid the gaze that is digging into the depths of your soul and try your best to compose yourself, wiping away the grains of concrete that have etched themselves into your palm on your hoodie.

The rain plummets onto your hood, hitting you with such velocity it feels like tiny knives scraping the surface of your clothes.

You mutter a ‘thanks’ to the driver, who nods in acknowledgment and sit in the empty seat beside Jeongguk. When the door closes, Jeongguk says, “Cat got your tongue?”

This is going to be one hell of a night.

You huff and swing your head back onto the headrest. “Weren’t you supposed to be at the location?” You say, using your fingers to make air quotation marks when you say location.

Jeongguk laughs. And your stomach turns, his laugh is dry and calculated like he’s playing a game of cat and mouse and he wants you to believe he’s the mouse.

“I wanted to see if you’d come.”

You don’t reply. Simply, because you have nothing to say.

You’re confused above everything else. Thirty minutes ago you were sure you’d caught whatever the hell Jeongguk was trying to hide. The next, you’re stuck in a car with him without any other option but to abide by all of his commands.

“I didn’t really have a choice,” you mutter.

Jeongguk sighs, and from the corner of your eye, you see him typing something into the Linux shell he’s running from his phone. About a second later, he turns his phone off, and your phone vibrates in return.

When you pull the device out, a single notification reads, “Sorry, you’ve lost! Better luck next time! :P” He couldn’t just kill the program without trying to piss you off? Your eye twitches and you feel an urge to chuck the device right at Jeongguk’s fucking face.

Jeongguk must’ve noticed your soiled reaction because then, he does laugh.

He laughs at the fact that you thought you were smarter than he is. That you thought you won against him. That he most likely did know you were in the closet earlier and still proceeded to almost fuck his girlfriend in front of you out of spite.

Before you can't process the consequences, and convince yourself you’re better off being the bigger person. You’re throwing your phone so fast that Jeongguk completely stops laughing and has to duck to avoid being hit with the device.

The driver brakes and you're shoved forward, your face collies with the back of the front seat.

“Sir, are you okay?”

“Keep fucking driving,” Jeongguk grits, quickly moving from his seat.

He grabs you by the collar, pushing you against the backseat with so much force you’ll probably have a mild concussion tomorrow.

Jeongguk splits your legs open, digging his knee into the empty space, and leans in. You wince from the contact. He’s entirely too close. You can smell the lemon mint that spews out of his mouth, the smokey auburn scent of his cologne, and the way his leg is quite literally digging right into your pussy.

When your eyes gaze downwards, he gives your collar a shake causing your eyes to look back into his. His eyes are black, fiery, and demanding. Like he’s ready to suck your soul out of your body with each word. He looks like he wants you to mold into whatever he demands.

“Listen here sweetheart, I don’t think you understand what you’ve gotten yourself into. I have my limits but you’ve been fucking pushing me ever since you tried to get information on Jimin. If you ever pull some shit like that what you did right now I’ll get rid of you faster than you can kill a command.”

You shakily inhale and try to get him off of you, when his body doesn’t budge you try to push your ass further into the seat and away from his knees. Jeongguk chuckles, digging his knee further into the region.

Your pulse quickens and you look everywhere except at him. Trying to ignore his completely engulfing presence. He’s everywhere in the space, in the air, in your mind. He’s consuming you and he hasn’t even touched you.

Jeongguk leans in, letting go of your collar and using the same hand to push your chest into the chair, “Don’t tell me you’re a virgin, doll.”

The scent of auburn collides with your senses, dizzying you completely. You try to gasp for air, grab the handle above you, you reach for anything to help you regain your composure. But, you can’t. You can’t because now, Jeongguk’s at the shell of your ear, hot breath tickling the surface of your lobe.

“You like this don’t you?” He whispers, his voice dropping an octave.

You bite your lip, and Jeongguk chuckles, dropping his head an inch to press a tender lick to the area below your ear. The ends of his black hair tickle your cheek and your heart thumps so hard against the cage of your chest that it nearly jumps out.

This is definitely the most embarrassing moment of your life. He threatened your life a minute ago and now you’re moaning under him like a whore.

What the hell have you gotten yourself into?

You try and push yourself further into the chair but you’ve reached the leather’s limit, a hard plastic underneath the chair bites at your back. It pushes you forward, and closer to Jeongguk and you bite back the moan that manifests itself in your throat when Jeongguk begins to suck on your neck.

He gives the skin a wet kiss, proceeding to open his mouth and suck hard. He sucks until his tongue rolls over the surface and the moan you bit back escapes.

The fucker must be enjoying this because he smiles against your skin, continuing to attack the region.

“Please,” You moan, trying to use any of the energy you have left to lift your arms up and onto Jeongguk’s shoulders to push him away.

You shouldn’t be doing this, not with him.

There’s a vibration against the pit of your stomach and you suppress another moan. What the fuck are you doing?

“Fuck,” Jeongguk groans, removing himself from you. He uses one hand to hoist himself over you, while the other digs into his sweats and pulls out his phone.

You watch as his face illuminates and he flips the phone toward you. A shit-eating grin enveloping his features, “Would you look at that, your little friend Taehyung is calling.”

Taehyung?

867 notes · View notes

pretty-chaotic-world · 6 months

Text

if my BPD can scream

1. I wish i could have a normal love... but no, my brain wants to worship every little detail of you until it drives me insane

2. sorry i pushed you away i felt abandoned and suicidal

3. I’m sick of going to bed and knowing things won’t be better tomorrow

4. I'll ask you thousands times if you really love, please don't get annoyed

5. I'll create "drama" and mishaps only to feel like I'm in home

6. i’m afraid that one day my anger will overshadow the little love i still have left for the world

7. I feel numb. No tears, no anger, nothing. Just going through the same day again and again. I would rather just sleep without waking up.

8. I'm so tired of everytime one small argument or inconvenience breaks out I want to end it and self destruct, it's so draining.

9. I want to stop feeling anything and when i actually don't it breaks my heart but I can't cry it out.

10. "its all in your head" well duh where tf else is it gonna be??? in my fucking kidneys????

11. I am constantly between wanting people to care about me and wanting them not to so I can hurt myself without feeling guilty

12. Psychiatrist told me there is no cure for bpd and I've to change myself. Well why cant they just let me die then?

13. Until you live with bpd you'll never know what it's like to be too much and not enough at the same time.

14. i know im constantly too much for everyone but sometimes i just want to be enough for someone

15. if he will leave me, my next diagnosis will be of "sociopath"

16. im so jealous of all the people who see him and touch him and talk to him every single day it should be me me me me

17. oh I got my hair coloured. why? because I can't hurt myself anymore

18. "you're so distant" because you can't handle my abandonment issues.

19. My younger self disappoint me a lot. like why were you begging people to stay in your life? ohh no worries I know the answer

20. I wanna throw a plate against the wall, stab a knife through my hand, destroy my laptop with a hammer, smash my door in with an axe and spray graffiti all over the walls of my room

21. Why shouldn’t I be mad? Why can’t I just be angry and be allowed to feel it? Why can’t I burn everything down?

22. I have to watch my mouth every fucking second to make sure I don't destroy every relation I have coz apparently social life matters!!

23. Isnt it fucked up how he got away with every horrible thing he made me experience and I’m the one who has to live with myself feeling absolutely fucking worthless

24. I don't deserve food and love. im a horrible person.

25. this is how my eating cycle goes

feeling weak coz i haven't ate anything -> eat -> purge -> feeling guilty after purging -> eat more -> feeling guilty after eating so much -> cry coz you don't know what's happening

26. the diagnosis makes me believe I'm not insane just lil emo ig!! NOOOO YOU'RE INSANE

27. “don’t let it bother u” baby i’m gonna be bothered by this for the next 10 years

28. if I tell you I love you its equivalent to I can kill someone for you

29. Actually upon further inspection that shit really hurt my feelings

30. I don't dive into insecurity anymore, i drown in self-loathe

31. i shut up in between group convo coz I know I'll talk invaluable shit and nobody really cares what I say until it's psychology class

32. "if you are fully aware of yourself, why do you keep acting like that?" slapping self awareness on top of bpd only grants the ability to watch yourself self-destruct straight from the vip section thats all it does literally

33. “Where do you see yourself in the future” building a cult for mentally ill people

34. ofc I've a praise kind i was ignored as a child

35. I'm much better than I was before. you know why coz I don't to air now and don't see monsters walking by side all the time

36. No I don't want to self harm anymore I need to kill that fucking monster

37. Don't mind me, I'm just casually sabotaging all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesn't feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring

38. i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care (im going to sob my fucking eyes out)

39. “Stop making your disorder your personality” I have a fucking personality disorder for god sake

40. turning my mental illnesses into kinks and calling it the BDSM-5

41. "destroy something precious while you're in rage" ohh yeaa and then I'll do that again and again

42. what I hate most about my BPD is the fact that I have started doubting every emotion that I’ve ever felt in my life, whether it’s love, my grief through multiple traumas, or my anger, & it’s so saddening. It has actually led me to start questioning my reality.

43. if I need medication to stay alive, am I really meant to be here?

44. it's either be alone without 75% of my symptoms, or be with someone and display the most horrendous unstable awful version of myself. why do i have to choose between love & happiness or peace & stability?

45. That fucking bpd rage where everyone's voices makes you want to scream and every noise around you makes you want to sh and you're so mad you can almost feel the cuts everywhere

46. getting worked up to the point of becoming physically ill (throwing up/stomach issues etc) because you felt rejected/abandoned by your favourite person

47. i wish my trauma made me kind as everyone says but i’m becoming what i fear the most- a monster.

48. imagine getting diagnosed with a personality disorder and the only visible representation of that disorder is an animated horse man, a sociopathic sitcom character from philadelphia, and darth vader

#bpd #bpd awareness #personality disorder #borderline personality disorder #mental illness #mental health #mental instability

23 notes · View notes

night-market-if · 1 year

Note

AHHHHH The last chapter, just AHHHHHH, it was expected, but unexpected, I, I just can't.

I think, I dont know if this was an error or purposely, but when you are talking with <3Malcolm<3 and you have the options "I do/I'm sorry/ I could" talking about Milo and if you love him, in "I'm sorry" option, you go to the same page than "I could", again I don't know if you wanted in that way or not, but just in case I told you xD

SPOILEEEERSSSSSS

I'm so hyped for the next chapter, I can already see my MC, someone who really are a "Kuudere stereotype" (more or less he is a "serious and sarcastic type of character who is often cold, blunt, and cynical without showing any signs of emotion". But this is all facade, inside they are very affectionate, at least when it comes to their loved ones) losing his shit with all the things happening and busting in flames and drama because:

"really, I was wandering like a lost puppy all over the market for so long meanwhile people here were busy making necromancy shit, broking spines, buying-selling people as prison system and my f-ing lover/boyfriend whatever we are, (BECAUSE I EVEN DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL WE ARE) were more worried hiding the secret I almost died for a couple of times and telling shit like "be careful" ohhhh im going to be careful, dear of course im going to, I'm going to be very careful when I catch you cause im going to kill you" and "all the people here are just worrying about keeping their secrets and making shit decisions instead of worrying about the end of the world so f u guys"

The meme of a doggo saying "Im fine" meanwhile siping it's cafe in a house in flames? That is my mc outside, inside is the meme of "gimme yo f-ing money!!" CHAN CHAN LAW & ORDER Special victim unit Being the girl my MC and all the other character and drama the doll.

Can we please choose to lost our shit? I will love my usually calm MC losing his cool and exploding in a flurry of pent up emotions (I love drama)

The worst of all? I know im going to feel so bad about Milo that, surely im going to choose the meaner option only to know the way he will react but then im going to go back and choose the better option for his mental health cause, lets be honest, the poor guy needs not a therapy, but a whole psychological office, poor baby boy.

PS: Malcolm is the sexiest, charmer cutest boy ever and every time he talk my MC simp, a lot. I loved the head?canon about him talking with the lamp lights and now I cant stop thinking about it

Okey, maybe its better for me to stop rambling, thank you so much for all your hard work! Really, you are writing a master piece, I hope you have a beautiful day

That was for sure a bug! I got it all fixed up for the next update. Kicking myself that that one got messed because the "I'm sorry" portion was kind of important for a future romance. But! I guess that's why we have wips. LOL

I like the headcannon MC you got going. That is awesome. And oddly works really well I think for a Milo romance. I think Milo needs someone that can put him in his place occasionally and who is not afraid to call him out on his bullshit. In chapter twelve, it is going to much more be about getting the information he is holding back. There are going to be some moments to get angry with him but there is a lot going on in the last chapter that it won't be the focus. But I promise you, it is going to happen in book 2. There is no way Milo could even be in the game anymore without a confrontation of some sorts. I'll let the reader handle how they would like to see that confrontation but it will be there.

🪷✨🪷✨ If you want to support me 🪷 ✨🪷✨

Demo 🌿 Patreon 🌿 Ko-fi 🌿Discord

#the night market #bugs #fixes #end game spoilers

18 notes · View notes

jackals-ships · 1 year

Note

Sorry, question, are you pro ship? When i followed you, you weren’t but the feelings yakuza post is pro ship so I am just checking. No hate just not sure

not proship not antiship but a secret third thing (god damn batshit)

hfk no but uh the short answer is no, the longer answer is no and i don't associate with either communities

the longest answer is i am hashtag mentally ill and part of it is obsessive thoughts and paranoia, with a recurring one being i am actually secretly a horrible person who will either murder someone one day or. well. other things. ill allow you to fill in the blanks on what they could be :')

so while i don't associate with the proship community and while im sure you as a person are great i just. physically i cannot handle the antiship community as a whole. i cannot read another fucking "you like x in media so you'll do y" because my brain turns that into "you like horror and gore and fucked up psychological horror! you know what that means <3 you're irredeemable <3 you're a horrible monster who will inevitably hurt everyone around you! <3" esp in my current off my rocker from other stressors state

also this one is just a personal thing but uh i had. less than stellar relationships as a child. i still can't make myself call it csa but. it makes me uncomfortable seeing ppl put fictional characters on the same pedestal as a flesh and blood person y'know?

#jackals barks #tldr i am mentally ill #also sorry if this came out bitey im dealing with. delusion stuff thats making the paranoia spike yanno

6 notes · View notes

yanderelovlies · 1 year

Note

✨Galaxy Anon ✨ here!

Haha you forget viví? Friends also have to tease each other until they scream for mercy hehehe suffer pfft. Let me think about it….No.

But I still feel bad viví! Just talking with you is enough for me! It shows you care that you even respond to me and call me a friend! I probably wouldn’t take it until I really want something, I will feel bad and hate spending others money unless it was for food…then spend that money since I love food lol. Well at least you have lots of guts but I know I would feel embarrassed still since my stuff can either be normal to my god what the hell why do you like that?! Not to mention alot of stuff I’m into I really have no one to talk to about most of it since usually they aren’t into it or I’m afraid they judge me. Mostly the latter. So I’m grateful you even care about me so thanks for that.

It does I mean I get whey we use it but damn does it suck. Oh makes sense so like a discount basically. Yeah I get that I mean it’s already stressful keeping your grades up in class but having the pressure so you have a easier way to college? Nerve wracking and stress inducing.

At least you care since unfortunately a lot of siblings don’t care enough or put down there siblings. I think your doing a lot now since you worrying about that and even some parents don’t give two shits about it or claim it’s too hard to understand now. I’m sure you are, more than you think. Your amazing seeing how sweet you are viví.

Yes unfortunately especially now it can cost your life being a Good Samaritan on the road if someone needs help and they can rob or even worse kill you. And all people you wanted to be a good person.

Yeah I knew I made a good call. I maybe would’ve have either freaked out or get very aggressive then, mostly the latter if I wasn’t emotional more prepared than how I first started out when first working there. And for sure I don’t want to also get aggressive to some other customers for one lady attitude and they had nothing to do with it. I have done it before and I’m not proud of it since they shouldn’t have gotten my anger.

Pppfffttt moving on! This isn't bully vi hours for their questionable tastes.

IM THE SAME WAY AND IT DRIVES MY FAMILY WILD. I'm always getting them things and when they go "Hey want something?" I just tell them nah I'm good. Then I get asked, "how come you don't let me get things for you." Because I feel bad taking other people's hard-earned money!!!

Not to be too straightforward, but I would love to hear about your fandoms. It's one of my favorite subjects, and who knows we might have some in common! (Lowkey I miss the hoodie ugh I keep looking at the picture).

It really is though, and the fact that I have to take harder math classes lowkey scares me. I am having a blast with Philosophy, sociology, and psychology. I was having fun with composition until this professor. My last one was cool and even sent pictures of his dogs with every assignment.

Aww making my blush

I'm just trying my best. I even had a little evening outing with them. Did some gift card shopping then just rode around and sang our hearts out.

God going for a walk or jog could get you unalived these days. Which always scares the shit out of me since it's in my exercise routine. So I never go alone or without pepper spray. I also trust no one. I'm polite I say good morning, but I'm always keeping am ear open.

Hey at least you learned from that and made yourself better! Might I also add I have so much respect for you for being able to handle that on the daily. People are just getting meaner for no reason, and you don't deserve it.

#vivi talks #galaxy anon

2 notes · View notes

kookieswan · 4 months

Note

Got a bit of free time from work to do some asks💕

First of all, how's your headspace, Candi? I applaud you in converting the negative energy and transfering it to your writing. Part of me feels your need to either wanna break stuff or scream at world and that honestly feels liberating. Hope you're comfy on your bed and huddled in your blankets like a burrito🫂

Next will be~ just wowzers again with the way you handle Red Light. I don't know if I or any of us has ever asked you of this before, but I'd love to ask for a depth backgrounr story hoe RL came to be hehe

Where did the inspiration come from? i know that Hoseok is not your main bias, but I'm amazed on how you've written him here just as how much care and though you've put into it 💙

Im feeling better than I did last night but alas, work starts again tomorrow. To be very honest I’m not super into my job, and am actually hoping to move in the nearish future and start fresh. Here’s to hoping lmao, I think it would help my mental health a lot. (I am currently in my bed wrapped up in blankets 😅)

I don’t think anyone has asked me that! I looked back in the tags and wow I forgot the RL is like a year and a half old now…

So, I’m sure many people have noticed but the very first part was actually a request. It was from someone I considered a close friend at the time who’s no longer on here, and I believe I had mentioned to her that I was wanting to write something horror based. She encouraged me to do so, and she also helped me coin the term of Nightmare for what the boys are called heh. I noticed how well the first part was revived and decided to run with it. Here we are more than a year later ☺️

I think at the time I was interested in writing with the whole idea of a prison/containment AU where a majority of the cast is under lockdown for whatever reason, but I wanted the MC to be on the outside looking in. There was also the factor that I’ve always been very interested in psychology (I actually wanted to be a psychologist for a while while I was still young lmao) so I wanted to mash those two things together with horror and BAM. We have scary Nightmare men who are psychologically distressed and could use an outlet aka a very nice MC who’s trying to help.

Hoseok was chosen simply because he was the requested character. Now I honestly couldn’t imagine anyone taking his place because each role has been given heh. I think initially if I was the one to choose, I would have likely picked Yoongi to be the main character. I like how things are now though, each of my characters have an established personality and I love it.

I am babbling; I will now shut up lmao. Thanks for asking Ink 🖤

#red light ♥️#inkling things #ink 🖋️🖤

0 notes

only-lonely-lovers · 4 months

Text

07.24.2022

tags: dubcon, peeing during sex

notes: it is time to discuss hanako-san of the bathroom

Bird is あ / Avvy is つ

あ：Do you-- like do you think that Nene has to repress the fact that she's ever used this bathroom & do you think she decidedly uses bathrooms like on the other side of the school or something

つ：i think she considers asking him about if he's seen her before or remembers her when she started at this school but she has to be like. i cant handle the answer to that actually

あ：Your brain instantly takes you to a day you took a bad dump or something and cried

つ：i do think its a, don't play where you work, situation. I must use different bathroom. we need to maintain an illusion of some kind.

あ：Can't like pee and talk to Hanako during breaks or anything. which is a shame

つ：LIKE SHE CAN'T BE THINKING ABOUT EVERY HUMILIATING BATHROOM TIME girls be eating they lunches in there and like crying and stuff, you know. she be dealing with her first period and trying to scrub blood off her dress…

hanako im sure watches her tawddle off to pee and is like, such a prude nene is….

あ：If that's how it's going to be……………………….. [acts wounded]

つ：I would be fascinated if Hanako had any sort of memory of Nene, but I think he did see people as indistinct blurrs. but all themore reason to just casually perv? I do think its been distilled to like [spaces out, smacks lips] oh this girl's shaved a shape in…. I wouldn't expect that.

[half-lidded] wow, nobody at this school knows this girl is like that. damn those panties are wet. she must have been fantasizing all day. [expressionless]

あ：I have always gotten the impression Hanako is uhhh so not valuing people as individuals its totally possible he has seen Nene before. I mean even when he was getting to know her I think he really saw her as little more than. well like idk her pea eyed fish form. spiritually My respect for you. as if you were just this 🎣

The fact is even a nice memory with Nene in the past is just soo long ago and a blip, only 1 night at tanabata, and he can't retain. i think seeing her at school is like nothing the uniform is a blur At most later he'd be like fuck…. wait that day. when i was looking at a stall and noticed a girls fat ankles

つ：the girls become just a sort of fetish concept. thisis the 1 thing about nene like looking at pussies and panties… nene's got some sort of skull and bones panties. its like oh… funny. uh huh… jesus her legs

あ：[just perched here like a gargoyle seeing]

つ：you can only hope that once or twice he did some kind of spectral thing if he were able, like spookily blow a door a little or some crap. [makes your pee stop] i do this

あ：Not me processing that earlier today i was thinking about Nene peeing during sex

つ：hmmmmmm

あ：today had a theme. FUCK I was the pee pervert

つ：it'd be so easy for nene to be so like WAIT, STOP… HANAKO-KUN and him to be like mmmnooooo no chance. sorryyyyyy. and

あ：Right. This is the thing. no stop doesnt mean anything wjrhgf and she couldn't be like I'M GOING TO. I think it's like frog in throat. but like crying. CMONGH DFJLGH

つ：no way could she say it distinctly. no way

あ：but then it happens and. I mean it's kind of your worst nightmare because he's gonna be like Ohhh……… if he was fingering you its like [spreads your pussy with other fingers]

つ：so thats why… this isn't a good reason to stop.

あ：It's the sort of thing where only later will Nene have to be like. I fucking guess i am fuckign with. hanako of the bathroom.

つ：if anything, psychologically very nice to see Nene's pee sink into the slats of wood and run down the floor. It is my domain and this is my girl

あ：You knowww that's what I wanna see

So often it is Hanako being like ugh sigh rolls eyes… at things Nene and Tsukasa wants, I think it ought to flip for a sec where Nene is like. ofmg. pee pervert hanako-kun!!!!!

つ：it would dawn on her quickly and feel like. donk

あ：sheesh!!!!

つ：BATHROOM…!!! he's so openly like. I succumbed to lust. he's fine with being seen as pee guy

あ：Lol yes In that way its basically canon

つ：he's so far from being like, ew don't be like that.. instead he's like oh you know

あ：tfw. if tsukasa was also there it'd just be two stupid boys being like oh nice

つ：never seen it come out so close before and so open

あ：The objectification. That hanako puts a girl through. where if he was like penetrating he would pull out but hold her by the hips and keep her hovered above, want to feel it drip down over cock. mm yes…. now this i like.

I will teach Tsukasa the opposite of respecting women What Hanako doesn't know is it's like his karma to be the one to pee self in any instances of past shennanies

つ：mmmmmmm pee… if she attempted to stop/freeze at doing it once she fully grasped what was going on, he'd just shove at her and get insistent. Poor nene, it's a gauntlet….

あ：goes. oh cmonnn…. yashiro. [rubs pussy] i'm sorry it is a gauntlet. the way this is a one-sided affair Your mortal body so novel

つ：sadly very vital that Hanako have ego trips of embarrassing her for his pleasure… but he takes joy in the aftercare, too. its the condescension yet care he can lay on thick…. and his willingness to lean into being your sick pervert boy

like ah, you think this isn't what I would want…? Why would you be embarrassed…. I want to see it. It feels good. Nobody else will ever see you like this.

あ：Uhuhm… Bullyish but also cooing excessively, petting… Purring voice talking you through this, but also not stopping anything. ah… you know. I wish Nene could think to compare him to Tsukasa when he's like this… when you get all❤

つ：they are extremely similar when soothing another!

あ：Boys who will creepily run their hands all over you

I do think Hanako just as much likes to watch her cry and then comfort her after… you like inducing all the emotions

#22 #ghosties #chisai

1 note · View note

vaguelydownwards · 9 months

Text

Star Trek wank below the cut

I love SNW, i think its everything star trek should be and is doing the philosophy part of star trek amazingly but... (spoilers and critique below the cut cause its long and Im not sure its wise to have a nuanced media critique that on poorreadingcomprehension.com)

This isnt well articulated, im procrastinating

they are simply not engaging with the eugenics plotline, and kinda ending up in a bit of a pro eugenics position????

Like maybe they have something planned but it certainly does not seem like they view genetically modified people as anything other than poor oppressed babies who should be allowed to do whatever they want.

I think within the star trek universe genetically modifying humans on scale seems to create a group of people that believes they are better than others and that seems to on some level be inevitable imo given human psychology. Which is also why we’re very leery of doing it in real life. But that’s being completely unaddressed within the Illyrians, as if they would never dream of considering themselves as better than anyone else.

The whole episode where they’re on trial was throwing a ton of analogies at the viewer, none of which I think really apply to the complex situation depicted. The show is making a huge deal about it being a ~*cultural practice*~ and the thing is that I am not a cultural relativist. My understanding is that the planet voted to stop doing genetic modification in order to join starfleet which has a very understandable ant genetic modification policy and a certain subsect of the population decided to 1. continue to do this to their children despite it being an unnecessary medical treatment 2. continue to live on the planet when it meant they they could not seek medical treatment for their children. I can entertain arguments about how the transitional period should have been handled and the show made a lot of very vague and spooky allusions to horrific oppression but never said anything outright other than bullying. I believe this dynamic can be compared to some modern ethical situations but gay marriage and racism isn’t one of them. And I think the question of where to draw the line is an interesting discussion to have but they are not having it.

There was also the kill baby hitler episode right after that which didnt really take the ethical quandary of killing baby hitler seriously. In fact one could (ungenerously) argue that it made the assertion that the eugenics wars were a good thing. It very much brushed past that which is a shame because i think its an interesting argument to have. The narrative seems to be acting like Una and La’an should not be at all wary of their personal situations and anyone advocating otherwise is a bigot. It feels very much like saying you should ignore your darkest potential self because you are not capable of becoming that person which i think is how you end up with people feeling very justified in doing terrible things.

I think DS9 handled the issue very well by showing how modification can really fuck people up, although they also sidestepped the real debate about how much genetic modification is ok and what do you do with people who were genetically modified as children. And I think there is an interesting story to explore with Una about being an ubermench in the military but to do that they would have to engage with the fact that they’ve got a supersoldier.

At the end of the day i dont think that starfleet is being unreasonable in any sense for disallowing genetically modified people to join, and while the show is paying lip service to that its not really engaging with it which is leading to some very interesting subtextual arguments that I dont think they realise they’re making.

Una could be an interesting character but they would have to engage with touchy and edgy topics which they dont want to do because that could make her unlikable, and mean they have to engage with heavier topics than they want to. But they do want to jam in an oppression metaphor. and theyre dancing around it too! Someone in the writers room is aware of the implications of their arguments.

#I need to be studying right now #im not looking to get in an argument i was simply dissapointed in reddit for not engaging with this in the post episode thread #i shouldnt expect intelectuallism of reddit but i do expect edge and this seems rife with opportunites for it #Ok I really need to study now #I will probably delete this if it gets any attention

0 notes

alazyparallelworld · 1 year

Note

interesting thoughts... and sorry if im replying scarily fast, this whole thing is being spurred by an all-nigher (unusual for me). the question of whether the problems i face in my life are this horrible woe in need of immediate addressing or just me blowing things out of proportion and creating fake problems by thinking to hard is something i consider a lot, and i feel like it makes me take myself both too seriously and trivialize my own problems at the same time. i think im generally well-adjusted (no like, trauma-based mental illness, and i am fairly happy in life even when im going through stressful situations) and constantly moving towards a better handling of myself/my problems, and this contemplation is just another step in that process. like, is my current "solution" the best one, or do i keep looking? the private journal was a recent invention, and ive been enjoying it, besides when it gets tangled in attention-seeking patterns, though its fine usually

sharing meta and opinions is an interesting suggestion... its another way ive seen people i admire gain more prominence in the eyes of an audience of strangers (still not something im sure i should pursue, but on the other hand i realize that i need to accept that as a creator my goal is going to be tied to getting the attention of others and that its a fine motivation as long as its not all-consuming). i generally keep my interests to private spaces, and if i have anything more lengthy to say i kind of guiltily squirrel it away where less people will see it. i guess its interesting to think of new ways i can interact with the resources i have available to me (blogs etc). i do have a letterboxd, but i find i use it more for my own utility than as a social media

going on my own tangent, one of the ways id really like to connect with an audience is to create some kind of story that people can consume, but the more i work on it the further back being able to put something finished out gets. i know i could start small, like comics and short stories, but theres a lot of work that needs to go on in my brain and with my habits before i feel ready. soon ill hopefully have much more time to introspect and work on my craft to address that. interesting thoughts... and sorry if im replying scarily fast, this whole thing is being spurred by an all-nigher (unusual for me). the question of whether the problems i face in my life are this horrible woe in need of immediate addressing or just me blowing things out of proportion and creating fake problems by thinking to hard is something i consider a lot, and i feel like it makes me take myself both too seriously and trivialize my problems

also- curious about this special interest you mention. is it art, or psychology, or specifically the intersection between these things?

your uncertainty upon, "am i minimizing or exaggerating my problems" is not a question i can answer. however, i can (attempt to!) reassure you that both of these are genuine problems of their own right, and worth your time and attention.

for the first - minimizing - "how can i respect myself better? why am i so inclined to 'shrinking' my problems?" and the latter, exaggerating, "how can i identify a serious problem? why do i routinely make mountains out of molehills" - and nuance exists here, you seem to be aware of that. there are situations wherein i, myself, 'crunch' my issues (because i do not have the time, capacity, to resolve said pain) or 'heavy' them (because i feel it so badly, i need to be comforted, i need to gain Attention for my pain) - and when curled upon ourselves, we struggle.

'simple,' 'easy,' 'digestible' - that's why we, the Royal we as humans, lean towards black/white thinking. to comprehend entirely is to feel so, so much pain and in such convoluted ways - the body's anatomy is pictured as interconnecting lines, and the planetary system is drawn interconnected. this is not reality. humanity, whether in history or in our skeletons below bodily functions, do not exist independently nor in neat, orderly, if/then interactions. there is no, 'closest planet,' because that is not how orbits work. but, to Understand, we curtail.

if a sounding board - to know 'The Truth,' or at least the closest next-best-thing - a social worker could help in a "i got a degree for this!" sense, rather than the extreme of Going to Therapy. i, personally, see both a social worker and a therapist. but, in my previous ask, i anecdote'd my self-taught practice through DBT /CBT worksheets, scientific essays & reports, and checklists/criteria for my concerns. self-help books are a marketable alternative; '50 tips to boost self-esteem' with a cute cover is an easier sell than, 'a study of [x] people over the scope of [x] years, symptoms and recovery' you know…?

therapy also comes with the - how to say this - 'expectation' is not the right word, but generally, there is a 'recovery plan,' - lifelong therapy is unwelcome, and you (royal you) are to be Un-checkmarked. that's why i am not - GO TO THERAPY - bc it's not my place to say so, and there is a lot of implied stress to exit upon 'completion of services,' - …it ignores the complicated reality, too, of insurance, transportation, whatever… for me, information thru SCIENCE! was a key developmental stage, and i rarely see that sort of recommendation.

although. i. i brought up mental illness i-in metaphor, i apologize if i appeared to be… Diagnosing you… [DUCKS HEAD, APOLOGETIC] just, i've seen that 'GO TO THERAPY' is the first recc people give. And I think it is Silly, dismissive, and quite often in bad faith. i am merely detailing my own experiences & self-improvement re: my struggles of (therapy-adverse) mental illness, in the hope that it is either related to on Some level, or ignites curiosity in self-improvement for you.

I. Due to the. Underdevelopment and all, I struggle w/ (blanking on how to say this, too) being comprehensible. I don't speak 'flowery,' I have an above-decent grasp on grammar whether Prose-Proper or Internet-Proper, but my intellectual disability means I perceive language in a way that isn't 1:1. I am regularly misunderstood, whether it be the definitions of the words I'm using, or my intent.

with that the bulk of 'how 2 help' is over - back to art!

mm i write at turtle-speed so i can… Sympathize, with the mismatch of 'time' and 'creation,' I've had to accept that I cannot match my hand to my thought process. Somewhere, and recently, I've sighed that a machine cannot pluck my tactile-formed sentences and prose and unfurl it into writing…

(I don't actually hear voices - I 'shape' things, mentally. i.e Letters are created through hand motions; I can't translate the sentences from thought to text, because I can't realize what they are, either. I'm blind to the things I think, beyond a vague conclusion. This is why my art is so… strange…? and unreal. My art is how I perceive reality.)

'practice, practice, practice,' bluh. I hate it - It's true. The method to write/create faster is through practice - but, how can you practice, if you cannot even start…?! A quick (not necessarily a PERFECT) beta may be of help - someone to prod you, or edit what is existing.

…and matching with an editor can be, just as hard, as creation itself…..

ah, the special interest. I like, brain abnormalities, which branches into the body itself. I'm fascinated with its functions, which is why I begun to ramble on about the nervous system and why I said that, rather than the e- [cuts myself off]

#i ramble ★#talk tag #long post -

1 note · View note

wasabis-stuff · 1 year

Text

⁠♡ — ; | 𝙝𝙪𝙢𝙖𝙣𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚 𝙨𝙪𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙣𝙤𝙫𝙖𝙨.

—

SYPNOSIS:

Xielle, an active and famous girl who self destructed due to the unbearable agony of life of being in the spotlight where every move is being judged and criticized.

—

Chapter I

"Have you ever seen a supernova? It's beautiful isn't it?" The questions I always ask to people I've interacted with.

Their answers are either yes and no's following with reasons they could think and say.

What about me? Have i seen one? Yes, I've seen it, many times, even us explodes, even me. Now what's the connection of that with supernovas? We all know how supernovas are formed, it's when a massive star runs out of fuel, gravity taking over it then it self destructs and a rapid explosion happens. It also happens to all of us, we ran out of light and hope to living due to the pressure that was bestowed upon us and if we can't handle it anymore we self destruct, the difference is that we have types of self destruct. We have different pressures in life, we're our own stars, our energy and vibrance are our own treasure but what will happen if we lose it? Will we evolve into something good or bad? Supernovas are beautiful despite the sadness in chaos, So are we.

The thoughts surrounded my head as my eyes slowly gets heavy and i fell asleep.

I woke up the next day feeling still exhausted. It's Saturday.

My name is Xielle Voltaire, a Model and Musician. A College Student studying Bachelor of Science in Psychology here in France. Both of my parents are successful, now you're asking - why am I even complaining when i'm already living a luxurious life? Mind you, be careful of what you wished for, just because I live in this kind of life doesn't mean it's all about lavish and ease. I'm not bragging about our life because I aim to build my name not because my parents are successful and famous but because I've done something good that will spread and make my name known to people.

I got out of my bed and made my way to the bathroom and did all the necessary things a girl must do. While making my way to the kitchen I could feel my Father's cold gaze towards me, the maids greeted me and i gave them a smile and a nod bow as a greet back, I plan to make Lasagna today. My mom started to make her way towards me and "What are you making today sweetie?" She asked, I answered "Lasagna, would you both want some for lunch later?" I asked pertaining to dad as well, they both smiled and nod, to tell you they might be strict but they love pastas, "Oh and don't worry Mom I already ordered a Baguette so we'll have a garlic bread as side dish", my mom's smile widens and gave me a kiss and goes back to the table. They're taking their breakfast early as 6am while I'll just eat later since I don't really eat this early.

Two hours had passed and im done making lasagna and garlic bread then started to pack lunches for my parents. I asked our maids to bring it to them since they already left for work an hour ago. I checked my phone because it's been ringing notifications ever since I woke up.

Fuck, it's Louvière.

Louvière is my partner in crime, he's been with me since fetus. Reading thoroughly to his messages, he sure loves to curse when he's mad. Well i get it, he's time punctual after all, while scrolling I receive a call.

"Â𝘭𝘭𝘰 Louviè—"

"𝘛𝘰𝘪 𝘱é𝘵𝘢𝘴𝘴𝘦! it's about damn time you answer!"

Damn talk about the temper.

"Listen Louvière, I—"

"No! Get your ass here now!" And ended the call abruptly.

I sighed and showered real quick and picked the outfit for today and drive towards where Louvié is. As I park my car I could see him from my side mirror approaching my car, I chuckled as i get my viola and get out. He's crossing his arms, eyebrows meeting and eyes squinted.

"Do you know what time is it?" He said.

I brought out the sweets i got for him as i was driving earlier hoping it would calm him down. I swear sweets works like magic to his temper because he quickly livened up as soon as he saw that it came from his favorite shop.

We then made our way towards the entrance of the building down to orchestra pit to practice our upcoming recital.

We were greeted by pairs of eyes as we made our way to the backstage, there's a lot of people watching us, all professionals and others are students. We quickly go to our designated rooms to prepare and practiced our created piece there before practicing it to the stage. The recital will be on Monday evening (after my class) and loads of people from different country, universities, and etc. Will come to watch and give a critique. Even my parents will be there. My Dad was the one who pushed this to me even if I didn't wanted to but i've come to sort of like it since I love music but I just hate the pressure he's giving me to be always on the top of everyone. Every note must be perfect, the movements or my fingers and flow of my arms should be smooth like water, and lastly the timing and mood, all of it.

Louvière is playing the piano for this recital. We're going vice versa as well. It's not just Violin and Piano that we know how to play, but also Guitar and Drums and Flutes. Louvière is a natural born musician, he devoted his life to music and the piece we're going to play is his own created piece, Inspired by Jakob Ludwig Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy widely known as "Felix Mendelssohn", a German composer, pianist, organist and conductor of the early Romantic period.

We practiced for 30 minutes and later on fall in line towards the backstage to rehearse our event pacing and have the elderly professionals to criticize our performance so that there will be no errors when the event comes.

It was our turn and we positioned ourselves and started playing.

It lasted for about 10 minutes and the elderly professionals are clapping in satisfaction.

"𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘵! 𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘤𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦!" one of the professionals clapped and shouted.

Me and Louvière bowed gracefully and thanked the elderly and made our way out. Our coach is smiling wide as she greets us with joy in her eyes.

I was so exhausted from playing that I took out a smoke and ignited it. "Give me one too" Louvière said and I tossed him one with my lighter.

"Exhausting isn't it?" He asked.

"Yeah surely." I answered.

"Where are you headed after this?" his 2nd question.

"Model Runway"

"Oh yeah, tough luck you have, I'll go with you." And starts to pack our stuffs as he grabbed my arms to get up and we made our way outside the building and he asked his driver to drive his car back to their home and tossed the keys to his driver. He opened my passenger seat and put our stuffs on the backseat and made his way to drivers seat and speed drive towards the Runway.

"What's up, you look dead right now" he asked trying to initiate a conversation in the midst of our silence.

"Dunno" I responded.

We arrived at the Runway and there's a lot of people as well, Cameras everywhere and my mom greeting me. My mom's a professional model, who fucking else isn't professional in this family except for me yet. Louvié escorted me out of my car and walked me to my designated room.

— end of chapter 1.

#story #modelling #violin #pianist #fiction #slice of life

1 note · View note

wilhellmine · 2 years

Text

Sam and Colby - The Stanley Hotel - A Fangirl Review

Just my reactions to whatever happened in the vid:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOO04RwLa9M

1:55 Sam and Colby buying plane tickets for Corey, because they know he wouldnt go if he should buy them himself :D 2:45 Jake just casually curled under the blanket XD 2:55 Corey leaving then remembering the guys picked him up so he isnt able to get home and returning with that "oh shit" look on his face is priceless XD 5:49 Ghost Adventures are mentioned and it made me screech up loud XD 9:05 Corey leaving, because he doesnt want a psychic to tell him whats about to happen, being like "I know we are haunted! I dont want more proof! Lets ignore it!" XD its a whole mood 12:30 - The psychic. Yeah, I believe people have these talents and I... well, I feel some sort of "things" too. Tarot car readings, automatic wrting, spells, yep, thats me. I also learned that if youre good at psychology, 70% things about a client can be actually told because of the things they told you, they way they react on your questions and things like that. So, although I wasnt with them in the room, I would say the same colours maybe, I feel Jake being more purple/silveri-ish around his shoulders, so I think he is/could be very good at being a psychic himself. Coreys brown... I feel hes surrounded by pink in his chest and stomach area, what I would say m eans that hes a very shy, caring, but also very insecure person, but also brown is the aura of someone, whos connected with earth and could work very well with animals. 18:00 Corey dissing his friends being another whole ass mood, I love him 19:15 - "Bro my palms are sweaty, kneas weak, arms are heavy... might start rappin an Eminem song..." GOLDEN 20:45 Coreys story about playing with qouija board and summoning Zozo. I nearly pissed myself, I was just like "uuuugh..." at that moment he said that name, like.... yeah, Im kinda concerned about GAC and their... connection with Zozo, but like... its them, they can handle it, Zak being a haunted objects collector who probably read the real Necronomicon a long time ago and Jay being their "desperate house witch", theyre fine. But oh well, I got pretty scared for Corey 22:05 - Corey telling the guys like "Ok, Im coming, but Im sure there is a new movie out tommorow..." being a total ME trying to cancel my plans and Sam "You wanted watch that?" and Corey agreeing and Colby just "ItS caLLeD thE ShiNnING paRT TWo." 22:19 - Jake just sleeping on the couch, like he always does, with that "Nah, Im fine, just chilling, youre doing great" vibe XD 22:31 - Psychic starting to fangirling over the boys and caressing Colbys arm, but like... who can blame her, I was just like "Yeah, psychic, I fking feel you. Me too, DAMN, me too..." 23:05 Colby wanted to shake hands, but the fangirl in the psychic acted just like I would and was like "Fck that, man, give me a hug" and I was like

23:11 Yeah, lets hug every one of the boyz, Im totally in it, I want to do it too 23:55 Oh, yeah, the slash fangirl rising, a little bit of guys holding their hands in a circle and breathing deeply never hurt anyone, I like that, thank you, psychic 24:55 I definitely want to see Colby in a green shirt, Im gonna print that shit out, hang it over my bed and worship that for the rest of my life. 25:08 Jake just... what TF did he do to Colby? Smack his ass? XD I loved that shit, repeated it a few times, enjoyed every second 25:30 ¨Colby "Im tired and I want to die" is me 100% of the time XD why is this not a meme? Im gonna make it myself, goddamit

26:20 I needed to pause the vid because I heard a loud thud in my kitchen. Although Im pretty used to moments like this one, Im fricking scared tonight :D 28:00 thank you again, psychic, because I was able to witness the boys, holding hands, dancing in a circle singing " ring around the rosies" and then theres Sam like "We all fall down....oh, I actually did" lying there somewhere on the steps next to the camera 28:20 but yeah, I immediately thought the same things as Corey "maybe they shouldnt do fun of it" 33:00 just a few words - Jake falling down the stairs, antilopes, mirror selfie, love you Shane Dawson 37:05 Got caught in the mirror vortex thing, so yeah, I have nothing :S 37:14 Colby "look at all these butterflies man, Im turning gay... which means good luck and prosperity"... did he really say that or am I just hallucinating? XD 38:10 boys joking about "exploring each other, their sexuality and smoking" literally made my day better, my skin clear and my anxiety gone... wait, no, the anxiety is still here, I cant get rid ot it XD 39:50 Jake being his clumsy self and hitting his head here XD Also getting Aaron Goodwin vibes from that XD 45:00 Corey getting those weird calls again, scary as hell... of course Sam dances around with joy while Coreys eyes are probably watering -.- Like... probably a demon is calling Corey and Sam is like "Oh, great" and his eyes are glistening 52:12 intense ghost activity, but yeah, at this moment, Colby climbes on the bed to Jake only in his underwear, youre welcome 53:18 "So Sam finally came out of the closet" XD 55:50 Colby asking the ghost if he closed the door while they were sleeping, ghost being like "it is real" and then Colby just running away like "fck this shit im out" 56:44 Colby getting freaked out during the spirit box session, that he just falls to the ground with Corey whos trying to catch him XD 59:00 Jake playing on the Aaron Goodwin note again and breaking the fcking spirits box by dropping it XD 01:00:00 Jennifer coming to the scene... and yeah, I agree with the guys that shes a little creepy... wonder what they would think if they ever would meet me XD 01:02:30 Jake being like "ugh, maybe it wasnt Colby who touched my wiener" and Sam just goes "yeah, were not going to talk about it" ... me, being the fangirl, taking out a note pad "oh honey, tell me everything NOW" 01:13:30 Scary fangirl leaving the scene, guys, the photos Corey captured, thats insane. Got too caught in the whole part, so I have nothing else to say XD 01:18:50 just a closeup of coreys ass, found it interesting, so Im sharing it XD 01:21:55 Im sorry, but Colby talking about using sage pleased my inner witch so much, 100% perfect, I love that, yeah yeah yeah, excellent, like... Colby holding a sage smudge stick is for some reason hot as hell 01:25:30 The start of the seance and... I wonder why they are OUTSIDE the fricking salt circle?? O.o Luckily I watched enough Supernatural and similar shit to know that Im supposed to be inside the circle to be protected XD 01:26:00 The blanket moved, according to Colby, and I rewinded the footage about 10 times, didnt see shit. Am I just blind or what? O.o Did somebody actually see it move?... Well, the blanket maybe didnt move, but at least we got a pretty shot of Colbys ass XD 01:27:15 Corey really doesnt want to do the seance and Sams like "You can be outside this circle and just not asking questions" to convince Corey to stay in the room and Im just watching it, being like "you ALL are outside the circle, no matter where you are in the room, because you are OUTSIDE the salt circle, Sam, honey, I think you got some wrong info..." 01:29:16 Sam forgot to open the doors for the ghosts to try to close them and he asks Corey if he can open the doors and Corey just goes "NO!" ... and thats fking me XD but then he collects himself and goes to open them, what a brave guy 01:32:00 I will never stop to be amazed by Jakes calmness, like... there could be ghosts throwing stuff, spinning his head like an owl and shit and he would be like "yo, bros, calm TF down, its not that bad... I might actually take a little nap, if you dont mind..." 01:33:00 No matter how much Corey refuses, Sam always drags him to do the seance, like.... they promised him that he just can sit there and watch them and now Sams like "you ask a question, Corey, yeah?" O.o and the boy actually does it, oh my... 01:34:00 ...and Corey actually gets an "answer", something is making sounds in the closet and Corey just runs away, Sam being after him, telling him to chill, but also being like "WTF was that?", Colby has this panic look on his face and Corey just says "We should get another hotel" and I agree so much XD 01:37:20 Colby "I dont want to freak us out, BUT what if were not going to haunted places, what if haunted things are following us?" .... yeah, Colby, thanks for not freaking everyone out XD 01:38:15 The look on Coreys face as he hears that they cant run out of the hotel as they hear something, because they would get kicked out, which means he needs to stay in that haunted room till morning XD obviously regretting his life decisions XD 01:41:45 Everyone talking about those scary dreams they had and what did Jake say? Like "I dreamed about driving a hot wheels car" or what? XD 01:44:00 Sam reeeeeally doesnt want to go to meet the crazy creepy fangirl Jennifer, its clear as day XD and I wonder why? Is it because she exchanged numbers with Colby? A little jealousy there? A little Solby material to screech over? 01:45:23 The way Sam looks at Jennifer like "so, you bitch survived, but dont you even dare to EVER touch my man, Im gonna be worse than any demon you can imagine" XD 01:47:20 Everyone saying their goodbyes and leaving and creepy Jennifer goes "Oh, if you ever want to poop your pants, just visit this scary forest, probably haunted by some ancient demons that are gonna kill you, its nice there" XD and the guys are like "No way in hell...." and then theres the new episode and of course its taking place in the haunted forest Jennifer told them about XD

#Sam and Colby #colby #colby brock #sam #sam golbach #jake webber #corey scherer #sam and colby stanley hotel #stanley hotel

9 notes · View notes

lissalizzie · 3 years

Text

Okay so a couple of days ago I made a post about how I couldn't write fanfics about Chishiya because I couldn't imagine him as a guy who would be in a romance without sacrificing his girlfriend for a card or visas, and some very cool person suggested me to write an angst...AND I DID ahahahaha.

Ookay, somethings you should know now: I'm Brazilian and I speak Portuguese, I learned English by myself and this is the first time I try writing anything in English so IM SORRY IF I MADE ANY MISTAKE

Second thing would be

THIS IS ANGST SO IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT OR IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD OR UNCOMFORTABLE PLEASE DON'T READ IT

It also contains death, psychological manipulation and violence

Please dont romanticize it too, it's not a romance story, it's just the conditions I imagined for Chishiya to be involved with someone

Chishiya x Reader

You were hurt... So hurt you couldn't even begin to explain that feeling.

It was true You were somehow grateful because you were alive at least... Your friends couldn't say the same, and neither all those people you saw dying every fucking game. But you just couldn't... Not to think about how pointless was being alive and alone at that place... Alive, alone and fucking in love with a person who had an Ice cube in a shape of a card in the place of his heart.

You knew from day 1 when you met Chishiya and Kuina at the Beach, when that boy with the mysterious look came to you for the first time for "a talk" that nothing good could come from that. Nothing, except, maybe, for Kuina's friendship... She, who was the first person who notices the mess you was doing and tried to stop you... As the great blind stubborn you were, You just didn't listen at the time... You was at a fucking game world, playing for your life almost everyday, dealing with deaths and losing people... Missing the ones you loved the most, those ones you didn't even know if were or weren't alive... You could deal with a stuck up boy, because that's everything you thought he was... Your mistake... Well, You've recently discovered You're pretty damn good in making mistakes here.

Chishiya discovered yout feelings because at some point you couldn't manage to fight for your life and hide it... He noticed and started to be there for you after every game, specially the harder ones. He didnt talk anything, he just was there... He didnt touch you either, but he got to spend more and more time looking at you while you both were on bed... Those eyes, just as cold as him.

You didnt touch him, but you imagined he would be just as cold as that look... But you also believed he would be that deep... Like oceans. Chishiya was a grey ocean that you wanted so much, and every day more, to know...

You was so fragile, so fragile when he touched your skin for the first time, twice... The first time with his hands that wasn't cold at all which just made you want him nearer... The second time with the lips that came from your face to your mouth.

The boy must've planned that for weeks, you could see that now, in fact, now you understand that must be the reason why he looked so much at you. You was that school subject Chishiya probably didnt have any interest on but really had to study to pass the test... So he did... And you did...

And for the first time since you fell into that hell you felt alive, you felt like someone, just one person was there, and that Chishiya cared... And that he would do for you just as much that you would do for him.

You were so blind and in love... He started saying things about plans and you were so happy cause you thought that meant he trusted you... The first time he mentioned you on a plan you couldn't stop smiling, you were finally a part of someone's life there, it was like having a purpose again... And also being with him felt so much like action and... Not knowing about the next second because he was so... cloudy.

God, if only you could talk to yourself in the past, if only you have stopped for a second and gave that situation a better look... You felt so dumb now...

Well when he asked you to go to that place at night you... Just went, because you trusted him with your life by now. You knew somewhere deep in your heart that you shouldn't... Not just him but anyone... But it was a need, you were alone for a long time and then you found him... And then he started acting that way with you... He caught you out of guard...

It was silent, you didnt understand why you should be there, but the fact is that you were so afraid. Chishiya only said to be there and walk... It wasnt that much, but just as fast as you got there, you felt something on your back and then everything was dark.

When you woke up, you were in a room and Niragi, just with a couple of other important people -you just knew they were important because they were with the Hatter, the only one you could recognize besides Niragi because of the colors of his clothes.- You barely could see, actually, your eyes were still dealing with the lights.

- So that's the little bitch, huh? - You could listen to Hatter's voice. He came near of you and showed you a couple of cards. - Trying to steal from me ? You bastard really thought you could steal from me and just run away ?

You just didnt understand, you didnt had any card with you. You knew what happened to traitors and you always gave your cards to the beach just as you was told.

-B-But... I give my cards to you, I know I do. I'm not dumb

- Oh honey, dont play the stupid card. We found the cards with you, you were running away... You have many here... You haven't been to all this games lately, have you ? Have you been stealing from someone else, darling? - Hatter seemed to be genuinely angry and you were so afraid to say anything.

-I...

- Yes... - And you heard that familiar voice... That was Chishiya but you were hoping he would only come to help you... - My cards have been disappearing as I told you. I connected that it happened after every game I played with her after we became close... That's when I came to talk to you... - That was so much information you couldn't even handle. Chishiya betrayed you, lied about you and used you as his little toy just so he could... Distract people while he was doing whatever he was really planning and wasn't telling you... It was so clear... Oh God you felt so dumb and now it was like all your fights for being alive in that place had no value at all... Because you let yourself get caught by that stupid feeling...

Chishiya looked at you with the same cold eyes as always, no guilt... You wasn't expecting any, not after that.

- Well.. Death for the traitors, that's what you've been told - Hatter was just ready to give the orders to Niragi and you didnt really think you deserved to die by the hands of such a disgusting person

At that point you could only cry cause you knew it wasn't worth it to try arguing... Chishiya was too damn smart and there would be no evidence of mistakes if you knew him...

- She was stealing from me, right ? So I think I have the right to end this with my own hands? - Everyone got so surprised because Chishiya wasnt exactly the kind of guy who got involved with the dirty part of the job.

- Are you sure about this ? - Hatter never really doubted about Chishiya because he knew how much about himself he didnt show people... So Yes, killing someone because of a couple of cards didn't surprise him at all, maybe because he would do the same. - Whatever... Just be done with it by the morning... And dont even think about playing any kind of game Chishiya... You could be the next one.

Chishiya wasnt even listening. Niragi seemed literally so frustrated but, at some point, all people left.

Chishiya caught the gun that was above the table and came near you. You were crying silently but so hard... - What do you want? You wanna torture me now? Seeing me playing the stupid in love all this time wasnt enough for you? You want to literally kill me? How did you do that? - You were screaming, at that point you didnt care if someone would hear.

- You don't understand, right? - And then he showed a couple of cards, this time, one of each... Oh god... He literally used you to get Hatters's cards. - I'm sorry you made the wrong choices... But I needed to to this... I want to get out of here just as much as you... About the plan... You know I have access to the cards after the games... It's not that hard to steal the repeated ones, they don't pay that much attention on them... And also, just after I did it, I came to talk to Hatter about my card disappearing so the he wouldn't miss anything... It wasnt that har actually, it was just a distraction... But you know so much about me and my plans so I couldn't let you alone with Niragi or any of those people cause they're so dumb they might believe you and that's would be a problem for me... So

- You bastard, What do you think you are? God? You think you can just come and sacrifice people? - You wanted to beat him so hard it almost gave you the strength to break that stupid string around you. He just smiled that way you used to love but now make you nauseous.

- If I were god... I wouldn't allow people as easy to manipulate as you to live with the others, darling... Dont blame me for trusting the person everyone told you that shouldn't be trusted... Now... Let's get this done. - He pointed the gun at your forehead and you screamed as you closed your eyes.

- Please... Please Chishiya. I didnt mean anything for you at all?

- There's no meaning when there's no feeling, y/n... You're not in high school, you're playing for your life, and so am I... And you lost. I'm so sorry for you. - For the first time he seemed to be nervous but you couldn't see much anyway... He pulled the trigger... And then it was over.

#alice in borderland #chishiya #imagine #chishiya x reader

107 notes · View notes

vaguely-concerned · 3 years

Text

The Mandalorian Chapter 15 reactions; *nobby nobbs voice* ‘s all gone a bit percychological, sir

- so from both chapter 6 and now this: rick famuyiwa is incredible at portraying prolonged discomfort and tension (and also at getting din’s endless love for that baby across through the stress of being separated from him. this is the very first episode with no baby in it at all, isn’t it? wow that’s a heartbreaking milestone to reach im crying)

I liked this episode SO MUCH but I had to pause it pretty often and take a breather because it all made me so viscerally uncomfortable on din’s behalf -- not just the armour and having to take the helmet off and be seen for the (almost, ilu IG-11) first time in decades, people keep touching him in this episode when he clearly doesn’t want them to but can’t stop it and it makes me want to claw my own skin off in sympathy, it’s so awful. that’s really neat film making to manage to keep that tension steady almost all the way through!!!

honestly this episode felt a little bit like psychological horror, with the cheering storm troopers and din in the wrong armour and clearly not digging it and there’s the palpable absence of baby and that ever present dread of being Perceived when you’re not ready for it; everything’s turned upside down from how it should be. and it’s playing with that discomfort both in the main character and in us, the audience, in having the familiar be made unfamiliar and also introducing these questions that shake up everything (that feeling you get of ‘but... if it’s not the helmet, and not the armour, but there’s his face, but we’ve only seen that face once before so it’s still basically new to us, is this... is this still him. is this still Dad’ (oooh I wonder if we’re... sort of getting some of the ??? the baby would be feeling about it too?) we’ve all imprinted on that t-shaped visor like little baby birds, and this was a very clever episode to break us out of that and start to really get used to the thought of him having several faces that are real simultaneously, in a way, and not just a voice. it’s all very smart and interesting and I’m sure I’ll have a lot of incoherent thoughts about this in the weeks to come lol)

- the actual reason din can’t take off the helmet is that if people were able to see his wide confused puppy eyes they would no longer find it in themselves to send him on long arduous side missions and would help him immediately just so he’d feel better, and that would rob us of like 80% of the content for this show

mayfeld in this episode: clearly a casualty of this. he literally sees one glimpse of the vulnerability there and then within five seconds goes on to materialize a few redeeming character traits after being a complete jackass for an episode and a half. (I mean. he was 100% still an imperial so I’m a bit ‘hm.’ about how easily especially cara let him off the hook, but with the way it was set up I guess it would have been quite shitty of them to just throw him back in prison so I mean I GUESS. I would be endlessly grateful someone got my awkward bff out of there alive and well too I suppose)

- I actually think din’s sense/integrity of self has gotten so much stronger and more resilient (though probably still quite fragile pls handle with care precious cargo within); if this had happened in the first season I think it might honestly just have killed him (and if it weren’t for IG-11 it probably would have lol)

- can you beLIEVE din is so bad at lying that they literally should plan for contingencies over it fjkasdlhfskajdhfsdj

- very grateful for the scene with the spear throw that’s basically there to reassure us ‘uh-huh, he absolutely knows how to use it, don’t worry about that part at least’

I want to make a whole post about that fight scene, though, it’s just so GOOD! there’s so much storytelling and characterization in it! even out of the armour din has some real hand to hand MOVES!! he clearly came out of that aching all over, he can barely get back in his seat!!!

- so what I’m mainly taking away from this is that din absolutely cuts his own hair and you know what? he does a good job considering the conditions he has to work under, I love him

I still find it so goddamn darling that he meticulously maintains that little mustache/stubble combo under there even when there’s every reason to believe no one will ever see it

I suppose we can also gather that he did not ask cobb about whatever insane feat of magic he’s come up with to avoid helmet hair, but I don’t care looking a bit frazzled and tousled is exactly right for him (he’s so put together when he’s in the armour and a MESS when he’s out of it and I l o v e it)

- boba fett is honestly so fucking hot in this I don’t know what to do with myself haha. he’s so CALM and CALCULATED and COLLECTED in his newly painted armour and he’s GOT THIS and he made that ‘I’ve got one of those faces. one of jango’s many, many, many faces’ joke and he’s so thicc now, he looks like he could easily lift me over his head with one hand and he’s just quietly steady and undramatically supportive and sdalfhsdjhfsa

- ...din does know who the clone troopers were, right. I mean of course he does. he has to. but does he though. I’m sure he does and just wasn’t thinking.

- no matter how stressful it was I’m still really grateful that in the end taking the helmet off was something din got to do himself -- it’s under some duress, but it’s still his choice and for the sake of the baby, and almost in two more manageable steps between putting on the storm trooper gear for a different helmet before taking it off altogether. it’s not something done to him by gideon, for example, that would be. so much yuckier and worse. he still has that control and agency intact, even if it’s been tested really hard, and now gideon doing that doesn’t hold the exact same nightmarish power anymore because there’s already a little space opened in din’s mind for different things it can mean, if you see what I mean. I’m not sure I see what I mean actually I just have a lot of feelings haha. so I guess thank you mayfeld for being decent about it and helping him towards that realization that he can still be himself outside these really really inflexible structures he’s set up around himself for like. stability and keeping himself upright for a really long time, and that even someone halfway decent won’t disrespect the boundaries he still has about it at any given moment. man there’s a lot in this episode isn’t there

- the sigh din gave when he saw even more pirates coming and knew he had to get back up... never has a single moment in cinema better captured how I feel about being alive. most relatable man in the world din djarin

- it was really cruel of them to make me listen to din’s dead bleak voice say ‘the child is gone’ again, it wrecks my heart every goddamn time

- again... I wish carano wasn’t Like That in real life because the cara & fennec scenes should have been everything I could ever dream. ah well fennec was still wonderful and if I just allow myself to think in-universe for a few seconds it was really touching that din would entrust cara with his entire armour, that’s some prime BrOTP energy right there

I love that we got two female characters who were just allies and working together, no competition or nothin’. listen the bar is low but it’s nice to see something actually leap gracefully over it as well lol

- this was one of those with some pretty big open plot holes (why, exactly, would a scan of a completely unknown face be helpful to get into this classified system lol), but a) I don’t care, the emotional storyline was so sound it doesn’t really matter and b) eh handwave handwave let’s say mayfeld programmed that little stick with the good shit and overrode the code saying there needed to be an identity match within the system, it’s all fine

- I know I joke a lot about this but din really is one of the most relatable characters I’ve ever had. just watching him struggle with eye contact and going pretty much nonverbal under enough stress is like. wow a bit close to home there could we, perhaps, nOT?? (honestly though these are trauma/anxiety things I really don’t see portrayed a lot, especially in protagonists, it’s so odd but healing to see it in a character I love and who’s EXTREMELY competent in many other settings)

- din repeating gideon’s speech back to him word for word (except for the crucial detail that he calls grogu ‘him’ instead of ‘it’ 😭😭😭) and saying nothing else is truly Everything. I’ve said some stuff about din’s deliberate and thoughtful relationship to language in the past and this is such an amazing example of it; he’s remembered that pitch perfect all this time, he’s kept it around in his head and mulled it over and then redeployed it to change the meaning of it completely from dehumanization to love. can you. can you even imagine. and it’s yet another example of his hilarious wonderful petty streak and I can never get enough of it fasjhdfkjalhs

- din always noticing the children first and foremost Y_______Y (the kids running by is the only thing you see him sort of acknowledge when he’s walking into the covert in season 1 too)

- please... please I just need him to be able to hold that baby against his chest all safe and sound and okay again I can’t it’s........ hh

NO SEASON END CLIFF HANGER ON THIS I AM B E G G I N G YOU

- I would be having some thoughts about how much space there actually is on slave 1 and what that might mean (do not kill boba again please don’t kill him again), but honestly there’s only ‘GET BABY’ hours in here now, I can’t speculate about anything

#star wars #the mandalorian #the mandalorian spoilers #the mandalorian meta #this is an episode in the 'wow that was awesome but I need to go lie down in a quiet room for a while afterwards' tradition lol

78 notes · View notes

unlikelyempathpruneauthor · 4 years

Text

A matter of Time

A/n: hey guys long time no see! I made this in many different verisons but here it is. Hope you enjoy! Feed back is appreciated

Warnings: none really probably bad statistics and mixed povs’ and bad spelling.😂 sorry if this sucks.

Summary: being new to the BAU and being elle’s sister and clicking with a certain doctor.

You were with your sister on your way to your first day of work. Joining that bau was one of the things you always wanted to do once you got all your doctorates, the academy was happy with your scores, but physical was one of the ones that needed the most. You were smart but you also had to have the physical movements in as well and being able to shoot and handle psychopaths. Your counselor though gave you a well written letter and plus your boss’s sister allowed you to work with them as long as you were able to pass your qualifications test, your sister also happen to know someone in particular who didn't pass his qualifications as well and thought you two would instantly click.

As you walked into the office eyes were all over you and elle. “Well well well, look at his lady,” Morgan said as Elle stopped him. “Don't even think about it morgan.” she said as his eyebrows rose. “What I just wanna say hi.” he said as she moved over and walked over to her desk. “You must be morgan?” you said as he nodded. “Yes I am and you must be?” he asked, waiting for you to say your name. “y/n, y/n greenaway.” you said as morgan looked at you and back at elle. “wait your elle’s sister?” he said as you nodded. “Yeah I am.” you said as your eyes wandered. “Wait, you're working here? You're the new member?” he asked as you nodded. “So you specialize in..?” he asked as you answered quickly. “In sexual offense crimes, like elle, and i have doctorates in mathematics, chemistry-” you said as he finished your sentence, “engineering, and you specialize in statistics and geographical profiling...am i right?” he said as you nodded “yeah, how did you know that?” you asked as he chuckled. “Because we have an agent here who does the same things you do, but he's a guy.” he said. “How many words can you read in a minute?” he asked as your sister butted in. “Trust me, you don't want to know that.” she jokingly said as a pen came up to you. You knew each other, she would come over to your house and you would hang out. “y/n! Hey, hotch is in his office waitting for you.” she said as you hugged and you nodded walking over to hotch’s office.

“Hey hotch.” you said as he grinned at you. When he saw your name in the files he knew you would be a good mix into this team, even though it meant they would be having two Spencers but he was happy to have all the help they could get. Two of Spencer would mean getting things done a lot faster, even though it got done faster than normal.

Elle and hotch both knew you and Spencer would work well together; it was only a matter of minutes till you met. As you sat in your desk you were welcomed by the many agents that worked there. As you placed the little things you brought from home you were looking at some old cases Elle worked on. You would do this when she was away. Even though you weren't a part of the team, there were many times you would call elle and tell her about something that would pop in your head. Even though you didn't work there legally, but it made Elle look like a rockstar. You saw jj heading towards you guys and you were ready for your first case, but you knew you were gonna have to take baby steps since you were new. You all walked over to the conference room and sat there to debrief. Hotch, Prentiss, Rossi and Spencer were already there. You didn't know who the other two people were, you knew most of the team name but then again you were new, and as if elle read your mind she came close to your ear.

“Younger guy is spencer...or i mean dr. spencer reid. And the lady there is Emily prentiss.” she said as you nodded. So thats who Morgan was talking about earlier. He was young like you which meant that you two were different versions of one another.

Jj walked up to the board and started talking about a case. A guy was murdering women in the middle of the streets with no trace of evidence besides notes that were given to the local police department. “All the women look alike, could be personal, but not in the way he knows them. More like whoever looks like these women did something to him that made him rage into killing because to him they were the same woman. And since the women were in their mid 30’s could be an ex wife, or exgirlfriend.” you said as everyone looked at you, spencer looked at your first; he found you astonishing “Sorry.” you said as the hotch shook his head. “It's fine, good point actually,” he said as you nodded. Going back to Spencer, he didn't even know you were there. He was very surprised with how fast you read through the file. Giving him a hint you were able to read lots of words per minute..just like him.

“But what exactly did this woman do, to get him into a rage of slitting other women’s throats?” Morgan asked as Spencer spoke up. “Most likely a divorce or rejecting marriage.” he said as you looked more into the file. “Could be either one, the percentage of first marriages that end in divorce is 50% , and depending on what ring it is when proposing the rejection is much higher.” you said as you got those facts from the top of your head.

“Okay, let's talk more on the plane, Texas is a long flight, see you all in 30.” hotch said as you all got up and you headed to your desk getting your go-bag and your files. You also brought your books to read on the jet. As you were all on your way to the jet you were walking behind everyone and Spencer thought it could be a good moment to greet on another.

“Hey, im..uh dr. Spencer reid. Or spencer you don't have to call me dr.” he said as you looked over to him and smiled. “Hi, im y/n greenaway. I’m dr. As well.” you said as his eyebrows rose. You didn’t know if it was the dr or your last name that shocked him, It didn't surprise you when people made that face here in the bureau. Your sister was a legend and so was your father.

“Your elle’s sister right?” he asked as elle walked over. “Yes she is so you better not mess with her.” she said as you laughed and she sat down with morgan and you looked around on where to sit, spencer was doing the same. “Do you uh, want to sit together? I mean you don't have to but, we could get to uh, know each other.” he said as you nodded, you were happy that you were getting along with someone who's like you that thought the same things. Being you was hard to make friends. You two talked about many things that you were interested in. He told a little about himself and you did as well.

As you landed you and Spencer were told to look through some files that could get you started on your geographical profile. You two were sitting there just looking through and drinking your coffee, JJ, Prentiss and Rossi were talking to the chief and came over to you guys.

“These are Dr's Spencer Reid and y/n greenaway. They are helping us with the geographical profile. One of the best we know.” JJ said as I smiled and me and Spencer were still looking through. “How old are you guys? Seems too young to be doctors'' he said as Spencer and I looked at one another. On the jet spencer told you this type of situation would happen almost every time.

“Well we're not those types of doctors, we don't have a medical background, it's more psychological and behavioral,'' Spencer said as the chief was slightly still confused and you noticed so you explained more. “We look at why this man is here to target these women, what makes them want to target the women here. It could be that he has a family of some sort here and he can't really go anywhere, so that tells us he blends in. meaning people talk to him on a daily basis, but they don't notice anything strange because he blends in.” you said as the chief nodded understanding more and talking to rossi.

“Where did you find these guys?” he asked as Rossi just chuckled. “Well it's interesting how, but between you and me they were left at the doorsteps of the fbi. These guys are the best to find your guy.” he said as he nodded leaving him satisfied.

As you two were looking even more closer Spencer brought up the thought you made to the chief. “I think you're right about the unsub blending in, how else could he hide his cover? He has to live here, maybe he lost custody of his kids and that could be a possible stressor” he said as you nodded.

“Should i call garcia and let her do her magic?” you asked as he nodded and you called her going to get some coffee. “How do you like your coffee?” you asked as he looked up. “Just make sure it has enough sugar.” he said as you nodded, calling garcia.

“Hello my wonderful daughter, how may i lead you into the world?” she said as you laughed.

“Hello mother, i was wondering if you could search for men in their mid 30-40’s who recently went through some sort of rejections, divorce, lost a custody battle, and possibly losing their job. Someone who blends in, could be a person who helps a lot here.” you said as she did her typing. “Okay with the information you gave it should give me short list, but i cannot promise anything. Mother goose will call you soon.” she said as you giggled. As you walked back with the coffee and handed it to spencer as he looked up and smiled as a thank you. “So garcia is doing her magic, so she should call us any minute.” you said as he nodded and took a sip of his coffee. He just sat there in shock, you got the perfect amount. You were probably one of the fewer people who did get is order right. Even though it was just coffee and sugar. You noticed his shock as he kept drinking his coffee. “What? Does it taste bad?” you asked as he shook his head. “No, it's quite the opposite actually. It tastes perfect. How'd you know it was the right amount.” he said as you giggled. “Lets just say it was an educated guess.” you said as he chuckled looking back and waiting for your team. His brain was going crazy. You were perfect to him. You’re smart, outgoing, and the one that understood him the most even though you just met. He sat there with a smile as those thoughts ran through his head.

When the team arrived they were ready to give everyone the profile you and Spencer made while they mixed it in with theirs. Just then everyone in the room was getting a call that the man had killed again. Hotch answered and everyone headed out, besides a couple of the members.

As you sat there not being able to do anything garcia called you. You thanked the lords and hoped she found something. “Hey gracia you got something for me?” you said as the clicks on her keyboard were continuing. “As a matter of fact I do. This guy Marcus Gray, recently lost a custody battle to his wife, that looks exactly like the victims, and he recently lost his job, but he got another one and i was told by his schedule that he has not clocked in for over two hours, but then before i called you it shows that he just went into work 10 minutes after the last kill.” she said as your eyes widened. “Do you have addressed to both his house and his job?” you asked as she smirked. “Baby, I already sent them to you.” she said as you sighed. “Thank you mom.” you said as she giggled as you hung up.

“Okay we need hotch and everyone else on here.” you said as rossi made the call. “So lovely garcia found a guy who meets the profile, Marcus gray, who just lost a custody battle and was filed for divorce with his wife that looks like the victims and is considered to be very helpful and local. We have the addresses to his work and home.” you said as everyone was quite surprised at your work.

“Okay good, me, prentiss,elle and morgan, will go to his work, you spencer, and rossi, go to his house. Nice job y/n.” he said as you nodded getting ready.

You were all set up besides not having a gun but you saw you weren't the only one.

“You don't have a gun?” you asked Spencer as he scoffed. “Yeah i don't, i haven't really passed my qualifications test. You neither huh?” he said as you nodded. “Yeah I'm not so good physically,” you said as Rossi spoke up. “Maybe you two could study for it.” he said as you two scoffed. “I don't need to study i've got it, i just can't get my shots right.” you said as Spencer nodded. “Same here, considering i have a doctorate in math, i don't know my angles very well.” he said as you laughed. “Wait, that was a joke?” Rossi asked as you playfully rolled your eyes. “Oh rossi, you need to learn.” you said as you arrived at the unsubs house and checked the inside of it.

No one was home as suspected, as you looked around you saw many pictures of his kids but none of the exwife. You looked around his bedroom and looked through the drawers, one was locked but you got into the lock with a bobby pin. “Did you learn that in the academy?” spencer asked as you scoffed. “No i learned it from elle.” You said as he scrunched his nose, thinking of how elle could’ve possibly taught you that. And as you could read his mind you answered his question. “It’s a long story.” you said as he nodded with a smile. As you looked through the drawer, you saw many pictures of the wife marked up with many words.

“Rossi! Pictures of the wife are in here.” you said as he came into the room and looked though. “And well well well, a lovely picture of her and her girlfriend.” you chimed as held the picture.

“So he’s mad at his exwife for being gay? So religious reason, but also because of the custody battle.'' Spencer said as you nodded. “It has to be. Are the rest of the team at the work address?” you asked as Rossi nodded. “Yes they have him trapped, but he has a lady with him and a weapon.” he said as you nodded “how far away is it from here?” you asked as he checked his phone. “5 minutes away. Why?” he asked as you had a plan. “Get a team to look around in here and take me to where the guy is.” you said as rossi made the call and you were on your way over. “What's your plan?” spencer asked.

“Well i'm gonna try to get the guy to let her go.” you said as you got there and you saw he had his ex wife's girlfriend. Hotch saw you and you walked over to him telling him your plan. You walked to the usub and showed him you didn't have a gun. “Hey marcus. You gotta let her go.” you said as he shook his head. “No she ruined my family. She has to die.” he said as he pulled the knife out to me. “Marcus you're better than this. She didn't ruin your family. You will be the one doing that if you don't let her go. Think about your kids. Do you really want them thinking their dad could kill them in a matter of seconds? I know your kids mean a lot to you, you're a good dad. I know a good dad, and you are a good one.” you said as he lowered the knife down. “You really think i'm a good dad.” he said as you nodded. “You probably are. And you can continue to be a good dad if you let her go.” you said as he gave you the knife and let go of the lady. You threw the gun away and pulled the lady and motioned the team to go in.

You got the girlfriend back to her family and walked next to spencer. “How'd you know how to stop him?” he asked as you looked over at him. “I knew his kids were a weakness, all the pictures he has of his kids, to him they are everything to him since he lost his wife to someone else. He knew he could be the best to them. i knew he would let her go if i mentioned how good of a dad he would be.” you said as you were happy to have everyone alive.

On the jet you were all happy with what happend. Thanks to you everyone was alive and the kids were able to see their father in visits.

“Good job today mini greenaway.” morgan said as you high fived him. “Thanks.” you said as you read your book. You sat alone as Spencer was sitting with Elle, Prentiss and jj. “Come on spencer, go talk to her, ask her out or something.” jj said as his gaze was cut off. “What?” he said as elle looked at him. “we see the way you look at her.” prentiss said as elle chimed in. “Spencer, go after her. I owe you one.” she said as he scrunched his nose in confusion. “You saved my life remember? Let me save yours.” she said as he smiled heading over to you and talking to you some more. Maybe even getting to tell him your story from before.

Morgan sat with them as he got his wallet out. There was a bet on you two. Seeing how long it took for you two to talk and get to know each other and elle won. It was literally a no brainer, but then again Morgan would say it was unfair since you were her sister but he paid up.

She knew you two were gonna get along and maybe even get together but then again it was only a matter of time.

#spencer reid #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #dr. spencer reid #aaron hotch hotchner #david rossi #elle greenaway #sister!reader #emily prentiss #jennifer jareau #derek morgan #chocolate thunder #criminal minds imagine

189 notes · View notes

scarsmood · 3 years

Text

Mental Health and Otherkinity

This is my panel I did today! enjoy! it’s the script

My name is scar im apart of a system of 4, I am mightyenakin from pokemon. Trans ftm and very queer. We have a lot to go over so lets jump in.

Today I want to talk about my experience with being psychological kin. Talk about how this has shaped me as a person. How the community handles psychological kin as well as the greater outside world. So lets get into it. Otherkinity has been in my life ever since I can remember. From the age of 3 I can remember feeling non human and having alters that were also non human. I’ve also found for my life and my experience my mental health and my otherkinity are two things that have wound themselves together. I can never look at one without the other are both play a critical role in my identity.

I can say as psychological otherkin right now I stand at an interesting intersection of my life where I have the most freedom I have ever had and dealing with the worst trauma I’ve had to face. I recently got out of a bad long term relationship of something I had been in for 7 years. I can say the events I’ve lived did and still do directly impact my identity and change how I see myself.

for me I cannot explore my otherkinity without exploring my trauma and mental health

these two parts of myself are closely woven together. DID is a product of trauma and it’s something that rules over my life daily.

It is something I don’t just accommodate it is a way of life for me.

For the past 3 years I’ve been in intensive therapy going at least once every two weeks. At one point going twice a week, completed an inpatient and outpatient program. Needless to say I have been fortunate enough to not be in a lot of debt. However I would like to think that these things have helped me immensely. With the background talk out of the way lets get into how these things have shaped my identity.

A little bit about me. I am diagnosed with DID or dissociative identity disorder. This means my identity is split apart between alters or alternate personalities. If your unfamiliar with plurality I can say with confidence that can be its own talk but heres what you need to know.

• My alters are distinct each having their own morals, ideals, life perspective, lived experiences and memories separate from my own.

• We all share one body like roommates share an apartment space

• My alters are a result of trauma I experienced during my life. Each of us hold our share of trauma so imaging trauma is sandbags instead of 1 person holding 100 pounds of sand we have given 25 pounds of sand to 4 alters. Which is much more manageable.

• My alters including me were shaped from the environment they came from

· Alters also share an inner world where they can interact with one another. This also a place where I can easily my identity and how I view myself internally.

Some others fun things about me is I have some mild psychotic symptoms. Since I’m in my early 20’s they’re pretty manageable at the moment I am always keeping an eye out for them worsening though. These things include hallucinations visual, auditory, touch, smell, taste. I also have a weird mix of beliefs that can mix into delusion territory but aren’t damaging to my life and therefore cant really place a good label on them. So I consider them delusional like but not the same experience as a true delusion I believe I could very much be wrong.

my first identity shift was when I was a child about 3 years old was the first time me as an alter became prominently separate from our host. It was apparently at that time I was non human and a hyena. I looked like a hyena from lion king roughly no character in particular and acted as a companion/ friend.

When I got a bit older at 4-5 my identity shifted once I moved and left behind some family. I changed from a hyena to a pokemon. If I could guess I would say due to a pokemons inherent loyalty. My identity became a mightyena a wolfish hyena basically and the codependency that pokemon carry also carried over.

I was depended on to be support for our host and to take care of them as a friend and caretaker. We experienced neglect at the time and this was reflected with my identity. I was a creature that was supposed to stay with someone forever basically giving a comfort we were missing to our host so they could continue functioning. I would say my identity changes based on my environment and is sensitive to my environment all the time

depending on what I experience I see myself change and adapt because of how sensitive we are as a system trying to adapt in the world around us. I often think if my identity isn’t shifting a little it might be a sign of trouble and us shutting down being unable to adapt and change.

When I was 5-6 it changed to its own species a threatening wolf. Which it stayed until a few months ago. My identity as a threatening wolf changed a lot I had spikes then got a sword tail then was able to breathe fire, my size would shift and change, my tail length and ability to move it would change. Teeth, eye color, would all change depending on my environment. For example when I was deep in abuse with my ex I gained the ability to breathe fire suddenly as a needed adaption to scare them away. My eyes turned red to look scarier. I got bigger. This all happened internally as my ex was able to interact within our system in our inner world. Which is a terrible idea by the way don’t be an idiot like me. Which was why I needed to look scarier as a way of protection

Lately I have been healing from trauma and now that my ex is gone so is a lot of pressure to defend myself so I turned back into a mightyena which is much more defenseless but much truer to how I see myself in a safe space. Im sure if trauma happened again I would shift back to a threatening wolf as a means for protection. When it comes to plurality labels I fall under protector and host we are pretty integrated though so we have grown out of most typical labels due to how functional each of us are now.

This concept of a changing identity is taboo in otherkin communities

usually we are lead to believe when we were kids we have always been one strict animal for our whole lives and just now learning about it. this animal never changes it is static unchanging and we simply learn about it as we grow up. My experience has been wholly different. My animal and my identity changes based on my environment it can be subtle or drastic. I never evoke or ask for the changes they simply happen and I have to adapt to the new way I see myself. Trying to apply my identity to the common otherkin rhetoric gave me a lot of grief as a teenager

when I was about 13 because I would discover something about myself say breathing fire or growing in size and be ashamed because I knew these changes were not “typical”

as an aside I think this notion that my experience is atypical is also false. I think this is fairly common but a lot of otherkin just handle it in a way that flows with the static concept where we learn we have a new kin type but still also have the old one, we learn something about our kin type that totally shifts it but connect it back to our old kin type, we find new features, personality traits or experiences that now define our kintype that were never there before and newly discovered

Otherkinity is about self discovery and how it’s essentially chasing a dragon. Literally. We will never fully know our internal identity no matter how closely we look into it. there is so much that we learn and how to weave into our identity otherkintiy is as much of an art as it is a science when it comes to self reflection. It’s just like any other aspect of ourselves we can create labels for our sexuality and they work but they don’t capture 100% of what you experience theyre a short hand for others. I find that otherkinity is this concept on steroids. I find my identity to be a much larger part as it impacts everything including my sexuality it is more prominent for me so trying to put it under labels becomes increasingly difficult.

How are we supposed to create a short hand for who we are? All of those moving pieces inside of us that shape our perspective, experiences, how we interact with people, how we love people, how we go through day to day life, and we are supposed to just say something like “bear therian” what if it changes? What if we have quirks that our outside of this label? When I first joined the otherkin community it was pretty frowned upon to change your identity. You had to be a wolf therian, you had to be a dragonkin. Once you picked a label that was it. your locking into your identity if you didn’t you weren’t taken seriously.

Ableism in the otherkin community

I question as well if this correlation between identity stability and maturity/credibility is ableism. Usually I noticed when I first join the therian and otherkin community there was a push for “not looking crazy” so as to not get bullied further for identities. I’m sure anyone in the LGBT community knows trying to please people making fun of you really doesn’t work. There is a prominent fear of seeming to outsiders as if were roleplaying or kinning for fun which seems to be a whole other topic in and of itself. My personal experience has lead me to the conclusion that these people are going to come at you regardless of how often you shift your identity, how seriously or goofy you take it, how analytical you are with your identity whether you write essays or one sentence it does not change the views of outsiders.

Endels, clinical lycanthropes, and other nonhumans who have mental illness-based identities face a similar ableism. It wasn’t until earlier this year, 2021, when the connection between mental illness and nonhumanity was finally accepted by the greater community. But even still, Endelic communities are more often treated as a novelty; not something to be taken seriously as an identity, just something “interesting.” Mental illness, especially psychotic disorders, aren’t pretty or tame, and the greater nonhuman community appears to subtly enforce this stigma. Werewolves are monsters, and the greater community spares no feelings in reminding us of this, with such unwelcome words my friend babydog’s met as and I paraphrase a quote here from my friend baby dog “you’re welcome here, but you should expect people to uncomfortable about your identity as an endel or question your endelity. I dont personally believe people like you should be part of alterhuman communities.” End quote Many of those who are part of the greater alterhuman community are still concerned about respectability politics, how we appear to outsiders, rather than being concerned about how inner-community members are finding their welcome. Arguments like “But, clinical lycanthropy was previously used as ammunition against all Otherkin! We’re playing into anti-kin’s stereotypes!” isn’t an excuse anymore, because throwing your own community under the bus isn’t acceptable anymore. We want a higher standard in this community than being driven by shame that makes us hide members of our own community. It’s much better to stand with them.

Lets also take a moment to acknowledge these actions stemmed from an act of seeming more credible and not “crazy”. I’d like to say also that the stereotype of crazy doesn’t exist when we think of crazy we think of someone whose mentally Ill and struggling to function. In reality these people have an untreated mental illness or going through an episode that’s only one aspect of a person. They do other things with their life including myself. I write poems and go out with friends but if someone only judged me at my worst and lowest I would fit into this “crazy” stereotype. Its not fair for us to judge people based on actions they cant control. Based on trauma or brain chemistry people are more than that I think can agree.

we should be understanding with these people treating them as whole people not just one descriptor. crazy is really just a derogatory name for someone with a mental illness. So to avoid being crazy means to avoid any signs of neurodiversity people view as abnormal. Or signs of nonconformity with nuerotypicals

-endels still face ableism typically in the form of being treated like a novelty and not really being taken seriously. Endels are still getting called interesting a lot) and it makes them feel like a specimen within their own community. I’m sure those who suffer from mental illness understand how degrading it is to be looked at as some sort of test subject or lab rat. I think as a community we can do better and be more accepting and open to all forms of otherkinity. Shutting down this kinda of language would be great for endel otherkin.

-endels are still having to deal with other community members who use psychotic/delusional/etc as insults or jokey words. These words are derogatory and insulting they shouldn’t be said as insults or jokes there are plenty of other words that could be used and it pushes endels and otherkin with psychotic symptoms away from the larger community. Using this language shows an ignorance to the ableism still alive and active towards endels.

-none of this helps internalized ableism!! All the actions described above only reinforce internalized ablism. This creates a combative and toxic environment for endels and otherkin with psychotic symptoms. It would be in our best interest as a community to help bring down ableism and be more aware of what were saying and to who.

Some things to keep in mind

-treating psychotics like they cant make their own choices is not ok/ thinking for them

-insults and jokes using derogatory language is triggering and alienating

-treating psychotics as lab rats or something to gauk at as “interesting” is demoralizing and takes away someones individual power as a person. Its hard to have an identity and a voice if everyone is busy staring at you like a lab rat.

What about the internal side of the otherkin community? I found when I was apart of the therian community this was a more prominent problem and still is in some corners I wander into. Otherkinity also holds some ableist views but from what I’ve seen not to the same intensity as therian communities. This I would say is a cultural difference from a new age of therians that took over the internet, p-shifting cults, wolf packs, and some forums for therians were intense I know previously therians and otherkin identities didn’t have to much of a difference besides animalistic tendencies or a way to further define an identity. Once this shift happened it became more so about earthly creatures or animals based on earth. earth mythics, animals that exist present day and extinct, and plants as well. I’m not an expert of the history of otherkin and therians so I would direct you to house of chimeras and who is page for more information over it gladly. If im wrong please correct me. That’s my understanding. This shift to earthly animals also carried a sentiment or notion of being more “real” than otherkin that I often experienced in the wolf packs and forums. Since they’re identities were based on “real” animals it made them more valid otherkin. An easy question I asked often or others would ask was a simple “why?” and the response I experienced a lot was “so were more credible/ don’t seem crazy” this was 8-9 years ago which was at the time the height of otherkin hate. It came across as a borderline phobia to be seen as an antikin steriotypes which were ableist stereotypes to begin with. some of these communities in reaction created ridged and strict cultures of how to be therian. This would leave an imprint on many people including myself.

so that was 8-9 years ago why do I bring it up? Because I still see this sentiment present just subtle.

Some things I feel were carried over is: Overly present and specific about kin types, an obsession with details and intricacies to a degree where its no longer beneficial to learn, embarrassed or shamed for certain kin types, a focal point on kin type tendencies and ignoring or pushing aside human experiences to further pronounce a kin type. A fixation on the past and not taking into account of the present, always centering around the past. I would say these behaviors in the community were influenced from the wolf pack cultural shift.

These are a remanent set of reactions from a more intense time of grilling, questioning and if validity was questioned your title could be easily taken away in close knit communities. I think the otherkin community still has some skeletons in the closet so to speak of a more intense time that a lot of members endured and witnessed. We passed on this culture, myself included as we grew up cause its how we learned to present our otherkinity. We can unlearn though and I think it’s time to push for more freedom and new ways to take on otherkinity. a larger problem I see is a fixation with the past which once it gets to a certain point I don’t think can be constructive or healthy. Exploring your past is good, gaining context for your actions and your background is good, but living in the past is not healthy. Reshaping how you live in the present by escaping to the past isn’t really healthy. I find it worrying how common it is for otherkin to not tie their humanity and the present to their identity. It hurts to say, it can be uncomfortable but being human is apart of our experience. Now my therapists always say “never damn a coping skill” if looking to the past and living in the past finds you comfort and it keeps you stable that’s ultimately a good thing your staying stable and keeps you functioning. I urge though for people to start to take the time to explore humanity with our otherkin identities and living more in the present. How your identity effects you right now. How people interact with you and what you can do to tie your otherkinity to the physical world to the present. I think it’s a balancing act ultimately trying to find a sweet spot between the past and the present. Not completely ignoring your past and only staying in the present or only living in the past and neglecting the present. Its not easy and something im actively working on myself.

I want to highlight the present cultural imprint the wolf pack phase in present day otherkin communties and how new otherkin members seeing and reacting to it. we as older members may not realize how impactful our words are and may not notice us carrying an imprint of the past with us. Here some quotes I picked up. I asked a few friends their experiences who had come as otherkin in the past 6 months. I was also able to get 1 anecdote anon from my tumblr after sending out a request earlier today they are also pretty recent. Here what they had to say. These are all anonymous.

“(tumblr)My experience was pretty good! The community is super open and friendly, or at least the side of it I'm on (idk about the fictionkin side of it which might be more controversial/full of discourse).

It was easy to get into which is good because I was super scared about it 😅” “(friend) the whole community is

scary, for me at least, mostly because some of the older grey muzzles seem really intimidating and cliquey

the discord group im in seems like really cool to me, they are all super nice and helpful but the rest of the community is super scary for me”

“(friend) [when asked about getting into the community] it's weird to me, it really is.

I've spent a good chunk of time just like

wondering what it could possibly mean to be "valid" otherkin

like, who's judgement is that? mine?”

My Take on otherkinity

Im telling my story because my mental illness causes me to fall into an undesired or taboo identity categories or stereotypes of otherkin often. I find instability, identities that are less material or easily relatable, signs of mental illness with otherkinity. Are swept under the rug. I’d like to change that and show that instability, less relatable, highly specific or vague identities are just as valid. My experiences can be something of an uncomfortable truth for some that otherkin can be cringy or be easier to target from outsiders. I ask to everyone that has some reservations about accepting more diverse identities to consider how beneficial these new perspectives bring to our community. These identities give a perspective and voice we are missing and is needed. It’s beneficial for our community to be heard fully so we can support and help everyone. Endels may have a perspective other therians/otherkin may not have considered before. the wider range of experiences about our community that we share the better. It gives us the tools to make the community even stronger.

I would say overall psychological kin are extremely diverse and no experience is going to be the same. Its difficult at best to say anything that all psychological kin experience because the definition is so broad. We all have unique and diverse stories and I’d like to encourage everyone to share them even if they show mental illness. Things like Delusions, trauma responses, trauma sourced, episodes and regression. I would love to see more inclusivity for the messier and less understood part of psychological kin.

So lets get into some of my specific experiences. my identity is messy at the moment as my brain seems to have an interesting understanding of what a mightyena is. It has 2 images instead of one

These two images are houndoom and mightyena. Both of them I see myself as but are the same entity. My brain cant see the difference between the two as an identity at the moment. So theyre both “mightyena” its quirks like this that I think should be seen as more acceptable in the community because its messy at best. It has made me on several occasions go “that makes 0 sense” but from a trauma stand point it doesn’t surprise me

my brain has trouble picking only one. If my 5 year old or 3 year old brain attached itself to both images and called them the same then well that’s it im both of them at once. Brains don’t tend to work very logically and while it sounds confusing I would say it probably feels similar to having 2 kin types active at once. The two identities don’t blend (ie mightyena wolf hyena doesn’t breathe fire while houndoom does. ) I experience a range of both identities at once. They’re both mightyena it just so happens that image that’s associated with houndoom is present when something happens that only that pokemon could do or associated feelings or states. I would say theyre 2 different kin types except if I say I have a houndoom kin type I don’t think of anything and don’t feel anything. When I say I have a mightyena kin type I have images and feelings from both. They also cant seem to be separated both images and associations need the other. Its interesting. Its very funky. The wonderful world of trauma. Could probably make anew label for that but that’s alright im not one for labels.

I experience something I call m-shifting which is really animal regression. It’s called m shifting because I was previously in an p-shifting cult where it developed it. it’s uncontrollable but I can start it or trigger it if I want to. When I go into an m-shift I cant understand English, read English, walk on two legs well, speak, or know basic things most people would know. My brain goes into instincts and impulses. I don’t think critically or contemplate much. My thoughts are in images and feelings. Its fun. But its difficult to control, I find it’s a way for me to relieve stress in excess when I cant seem to find a good outlet for it. this is part of my identity is what makes me relate to the werewolf community so much since its involuntary and frowned upon generally to greater society .(aka internalized ableism) One of my biggest fears is shifting in public or with friends. It’s hard on me for sure.

Another thing that effects me is coping linking as someone who deals with trauma I have found lately I’m starting to create involuntary coping links. I had a brief coping link as a sled dog its purpose was the personality of a sled dog was something I needed to be at the moment to stay functional and coherent once I learned to do that without my coping link it went away. I notice myself having brief coping links on and off each of them usually teach me something or a skill I couldn’t fully understand yet.

I experience false memories. My memories change depending on my identity. I don’t force or make them change they simply do.

they hold the same narrative throughout all the changes though. The narrative from what I understand seems to be a re telling of my trauma. My false memories don’t seem to be a major part of my identity and I think I may have them simply because of p-shifting cult trauma and the pressure to have a past life or noemata. I think my false memories are a way to retell my trauma in a form that gives me validation as an animal. I do know seeing myself as human in memories is inherently triggering for me as I cant recognize myself so a set of false memories that lets me see myself in those situations as an animal is comforting and validating. It helps me evaluate my trauma better and understand why I feel the way I do about trauma. A dog that looses its molars would be distraught while a human doesn’t really care if they get wisdom teeth removed. Evaluating trauma through an animalstic lens has helped me immensely. I’ve noticed the more I evaluate and see my trauma through an animal lens the weaker my false memories become and I think that’s neat.

My perspective of the world also changes as my identity shifts

I see the world differently as a mightyena than I do as a threatening wolf. Objects, people, environments and habitats have different meanings to me and associations according to shifts and how my identity changes. These associations and meanings are ones that either I had when I was a child, or ones I repressed due to being childish or something I didn’t see as acceptable at the time. So my identity now has a wider range of perspective. My threatening wolf perspective toned down a lot and let the repressed associations and meanings take a more dominant role.

Another thing that effects my otherkinity is when it comes to species dysphoria I would say it’s a large factor in how I experience otherkinity. I would say my otherkintiy is something very based in the present. I don’t think about my kintypes past, I don’t think about its future or let my mind wander off a lot about whats going on with it. I am usually observing it in the present moment. A big part of that is my species dysphoria which tells me a lot about what I am. I’m trans female to male though that’s debatable as im considering a gender to my kintype. Human gender dysphoria is something that bothers me a decent amount. What has sent me to therapy though is species dysphoria. It is unbearable for me. I have fangs, a tail, a collar, wolfsbane pendant for mythology about werewolves, pointed nails, short hair thicker hair to resemble my kin type. I had to learn how to make animal vocalizations like growling, snarling, whimpering because I felt incredibly stressed being unable to emote properly. I learned to walk on all fours and run as well. I learned to play and move like an animal mostly from m shifting but it helps immensely. Getting on T has helped a lot as I got furrier, deeper voice, thicker hair, generally able to gain muscle better. Overall has helped my species dysphoria. Its something I’ve always had that brings me immense discomfort. I’m planning to make a prosthetic muzzle to wear and possibly some ears.

This dysphoria is apparent when you see me on the street cause im wearing a collar, tail everything I can’t hide my otherkinity because it triggers my species dysphoria to much to hide it so I just have to roll with it. the census? Its really not that bad being out or showing im otherkin. It’s a good conversation starter and most people are friendly about it here which has been nice. I do get asked if im a furry I usually say yes just cause I don’t feel like explaining otherkinity. If someone asks why I usually just say I see myself as an animal. Responses are mixed but people are polite about it. wearing gear makes me feel much more grounded in where I stand with my identity. I noticed a feel much more confident about myself when I am being myself unabashedly. Who knew. Also planning to get some combat boots and add some spikes to them to imitate claws. Should be fun.

Heading back to my weird quirks and otherkinity experience Phantom shifts are something I experience all the time 24/7. In part due to p-shifting cult and also a way to manage my species dysphoria. It’s pretty intense for me and its something I find comfort in and encourage. It’s a way for me to find the world more relatable. Often these shifts calm me down and make it easier for me to navigate the world. I would say my phantom shifts only effects parts of my body im aware of not my entire body all the time. Rather whatever body parts im using. It also does its best to not have any “clipping” through objects and my shift may phase out if there may be clipping to a body part im aware of.

Lastly My gender and sexuality I would say tie to my kintype as well. Im attracted to otherkin moreso than humans. I really like animalistic aspects to people and traits I see in my kintype in other people. I find I get along best with canine kintypes. My gender im realizing is more so tied heavily to my kintype I want to be a male mightyena whatever that entails and it plays closely with my species dysphoria. I find when I relieve my species dysphoria I tend to also relieve a bit of my gender dysphoria to. I say im ftm as a short hand because that’s what my kintypes gender seems to line up with the most. Though I think that will be less and less the case as I start wearing things like a prosthetic muzzle which is pretty animal gender to me.

Therapy and Otherkinity

On this topic I would like to talk about how therapy and otherkinity interact cause that’s something central to this panel. For me I always noticed that when I am given analogies in therapy they are always about an inner child, how I was as a human kid, how I am as an adult. These things are good but they lack the context of me as a whole. I am not just a human I am an animal in a human body which changes a lot in how I’ve had to take care of myself and apply advice given to me by professionals. For one I always have to tell professionals im otherkin and what that entails. That it isn’t a hobby or one aspect of me but something that impacts my entire perspective. Methods of self soothing just wont work for me if I don’t change some wording around. There is no inner child for me personally theres a puppy and a puppy seeks out an entirely different sets of behaviors, emotions, and emotes/ way of communication than an inner child would. You would be able to talk to an inner child hug them and act as a type of parent to them. With a puppy I tend to act more as an owner or an animal parent depending on whats needed.as an owner i have to bridge the communication gap with things like chew toys, petting, dark cozy places, brushing or grooming, non verbal communication

which plays a much larger part in my healing process than what I read or what methods im taught. As an owner to myself I have to learn to take care of my inner puppy the way I needed which can be difficult when no one you know has to follow that method. As an animal parent I also have to act as I am, an animal to my inner puppy that’s what we both understand the common language we speak is non human and is critical to my healing. I find protecting my inner puppy as an animal parent gives me a larger sense of catharsis it feels like something I can finally understand however the methods don’t translate well to the real world. I cant just snarl at people I have to talk to them in a disagreement. I cant go hunting I have to go shopping. Which is why having both an owner and an animal parent.

Both are important because both aspects cant be ignored and need to be used in tandem.

Healing for me when it comes to trauma involves a lot of balancing between my human life and my animalistic needs which is something I have had to do and explain to therapists the difficulties of doing so. I notice most therapists I have met cant seem to grasp this and see otherkinity as more of a metaphor than an identity. I noticed a lot of my therapists would just change metaphors to talk to me instead of reshaping a technique for healing which has caused a lot of problems. An example I can think off the top of my head is instead of “a family sticks together” may be “a wolf pack sticks together” which is helpful sometimes but if it’s the only change it becomes detrimental to me. Often because while not intentional I think a lot of therapies are human-centric. There is an assumption you are human in order to apply the coping techniques or healing strategies. This lead to me unintentionally repressing a larger chunk of my otherkinity just because I was applying these skills without changing anything. Sometimes present day I still fall into this and notice it triggers my species dysphoria to worsen. It can be difficult to spot for me as well because otherkinity is so uncommon no one else is having the same issue in my real life friend groups. So I assume whatever im doing must be ok cause it seems to work ok for everyone else. Which ends up not being the case.

A solution I’ve found to help with this is for one explaining as I go with a therapist what is and is not working. I have to be an advocate for myself and teach them as well what I like and what works and what doesn’t. I try my best to let them know when something they do is detrimental. I also try to explain what brings me comfort and what doesn’t. a nice talk isn’t going to help my puppy self but a hug would. Things like that. When it comes to internal imagery some therapists use I know stating to them youd like them to consider your kintype as yourself has helped me by them not seeing me as a fully human being or just my irl body. overall I hope this talk has helped some people. Given some new perspectives. And I am happy or reiterate some topics I went over. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

#long post #it was 11 pages #im so sorry #otherkin #therian #fictionkin #psychologicalkin

7 notes · View notes