#because fuck you use me as a discount when you start to actually help me out at all
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#hi I’m going to complain for a quick second#so my parents have not contributed a fucking cent to my higher edumacation besides maybe three train tickets#I have paid two semesters so far by my self and with my grandmother giving me some money to help for transportation but that’s legit it#like my parents haven’t financially helped me at all okay#so my dad was going to do taxes today and he told me to print out the college tax thing and I got angry at him#because fuck you use me as a discount when you start to actually help me out at all#so we’re yelling at each other and he’s like oh isn’t there a parent account I can log into and I explain that no it’s fucking college#you do not have a day at all#he does not like this because he really likes being in control of shit#but it’s funny because for the first 16 years of my life he couldn’t give a shit less about my education last two years of HS he tries#to give unhelpful advice that just led to more stress (as in I got a 90 on a test and he’d ask why it wasn’t 100)#so we’re yelling at each other and my sister says to just ignore it because someone might aswell clame it for taxes instead of the state#and yeah sure fine but at least provide some support for me. or fucking tell me you’re proud of me that’s it that’s all I want#the only thing he has given me for school was a fucking BC tee shirt off of Amazon… that’s it#so now we are just fucking avoiding each other and it’s fucking awkward but my mom is treating it like I’m the bad guy here because#I’m angry they told me I had to go to college and now they won’t help me#like I understand that a lot of people don’t have their parents support to pay for college and they do drive me to the train station but#it’s just rude. and I can’t even talk to him about it because oh no big man feelings get hurt when $ is a topic but like grow the fuck up
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I just keep thinking about how Crystal is still a Mean Girl - she starts right off by trying to insult Charles, she gets vicious at both Charles and Edwin, she enjoys tormenting Twitchy Richie - but surrounded by better people than she used to be she is able to become someone good, nevertheless
And on the one hand, the obvious hand, you have Charles. He gets insulted and just goes “I’ve spent the last 30 years with the person I love most in the world insulting me any time he gets moody; I know it’s not really meant and he actually loves me; why would I bother getting upset about this?” and lets it slide off him without a moment’s notice, not even considering rising to it. Crystal doesn’t get what she expects to get out of it when she’s mean, and it’s obvious how that helps her in learning other ways of interacting with people
But on the other hand I don’t think we can discount how Edwin helps, either. He DOES rise to it, he gets just as vicious right back - and then displays care and concern and kindness for her. He lets her get her meanness out but shows her that being vicious with your words doesn’t have to mean being vicious with your heart. He bickers with her, gives her an outlet, and then goes back to treating her exactly the same as before their superficially venomous argument.
And, again, she doesn’t get out of it what she expects to get out of being mean, because he rises to it: he doesn’t get beaten down. He isn’t scared or cowed, she doesn’t get a rush of power; he isn’t pushed away, she doesn’t get the safety of solitude; he isn’t sad or hurt; he isn’t even angry in the “any attention is good attention” way her neglected heart craves. He just treats this as part of the natural course of interaction, unaffected; regardless of how she talks to him he still just treats her the same way he would any other living girl at first (except Niko, of course, you’re an angel and we’re all delighted you’re here) and then like a friend.
That’s also sorta mirrored with Niko and Jenny: Niko fails to even consider the possibility of Crystal being mean, and that helps; but also Jenny does get cussed and snapped at and does react but maintains a steadying presence, letting it slide off in her own way that involves saying “what the fuck” and then going back to being quietly, albeit profanely, kind, and that helps, too.
I dunno just! Edwin and Crystal’s friendship and how they can take their bitchiness out on each other while still caring about each other and how that helps Crystal change, it’s important to me.
#dead boy detectives#mine#crystal palace#crystal palace surname von hoverkraft#edwin payne#edwin paine
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Plug! Dina Headcanons
Tw: drugs, wlw, trouple?, suggestive and nsfw under the warning cut, kinda ooc, afab reader but no gender or pronouns specified. (just one use of pretty), Ellie x reader, Dina x reader, Dina x Ellie, ...
Banner with the pics is made my me @sillyunknownkitkat
Please do not use them. If you want banners that are actually made to be used, @cafekitsune and @saradika-graphics have some :) and they're amazing!
Plug!Dina who gave free joints to Tommy so he wouldn't tell Maria that she sold drugs in Jackson.
Plug!Dina who asks you to stay with her if you ever try one of her new products to "be sure nothing bad happens to you, sweetheart."
Plug!Dina who has had many sample of her products as "quality checks" but we all know she just a bit of a junkie
Plug!Dina who scares children if they ever want to buy her stuff by telling them that it's just a scam and that the thing she sells kill people.
Plug!Dina who gives you and Ellie the pretty girl discount and to no one else.
Plug!Dina who brings weed to parties but refuse to let you pay anything. Same for Ells ofc.
Plug!Dina who was trying not to laugh at the face Ellie made when she told her that Joel came to have some stuff.
Plug!Dina who loves watching you and Ellie cuddle because the weed makes you guys need so much attention
Plug!Dina who gets real upset if someone has to go with her and Eugene on patrol because it means they can't go to their "hideout"
Plug!Dina who would 100% protect anyone who's being taken advantage of while being high/drunk/ heck even sober bc she's like that
Plug!Dina who loves watching Ellie play guitar while high and letting out tiny fucks under her breath when she messes up
Plug!Dina who can't help but fall in love for her two best friends
Now to the best part of this ;) (nsfw under this banner)
Plug!Dina who can't help but giggle when you complain like a toddler because you're too hot
Plug!Dina who watches Ellie helping you take your jacket and sweater off because you're too high to do it properly
Plug!Dina who can't help but like her lips when you make a kissy mouth to Ellie because you're needy
Plug!Dina who almost drops the joint she's holding when she sees you guys kissing
Plug!Dina who clenches her tighs together when you and Ellie pull back from each other and slightly huffing to take back your breath.
Plug!Dina that can't believe that one of her wet dreams is happening right now before her eyes
Plug!Dina who just can't help but press her hand between her legs when Ellie starts undressing you
Plug!Dina who tries to act "cool" when you whimper ask her to come join you but her knees wobble a little as she moves closer
Plug!Dina who gains her confidence back when you start kissing her and dominates the kiss
Plug!Dina who palms Ellie's breast as the brunette rubs your clothed pussy
Plug!Dina who chooses to be the dominant one, Ellie who's switch (sub for Dina but dom for you) and yourself who's sub for the both of them
Plug!Dina who's had the best fuck ever with her two best friends
Sorry that the end is a bit rushed but I'll write a oneshot/drabble about that ;)
Finally getting my motivation back so all of the requests should come out soon and when they'll do I'll open the requests again :)
have a good day/night and be safe ! <3
#plug!dina#dina woodward#dina woodward x reader#Dina woodward x Ellie Williams#ellie x dina#ellie x fem reader#dina x fem reader#dina x ellie#dina x reader#tlou x reader#tlou dina x reader#tlou dina#dina headcanons#ellie williams x reader#ellie x reader#ellie the last of us#ellie williams#ellie tlou#Dina x reader x ellie#poly DinaElls
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VALENTINE’S DAY.
pairing: modern!aemond targaryen x fem!reader.
summary: on valentine's day everything seems to have a discount for couples, so why not pretend to be one to save some money and have fun?
content warnings: fake dating trope, hurt/comfort, pining, some mildly suggestive content, confessions.
note: hello, lovely reader ! i just want to say a few things before you start reading. this was one of my first ever works here on this app but in a different blog way back when i used to write for the marauders. this was actually a request sent to me from a prompt list i can’t find anymore, and it was about sirius black. i edited it the best i could, so you’re probably still going to see some very poor grammar and it’s because i’d just started writing in english and because of that it is completely normal for me to still have problems writing in a language that isn’t mine. i really hope you enjoy! reblogs and likes are greatly appreciated.
“YOU SHOULD COME WITH US.” your friend maris says, applying lipstick in front of her mirror.
“and be the third wheel?” you ask from your spot on her bed, flipping through the pages of a magazine. “it’s bad enough you are dating my brother.” sighing, you toss the magazine having lost all your attention. “besides, i’m sure aegon and aemond are on their way.”
at the sound of their names, cregan’s head appears in the door. “you didn’t hear?”
“what?” you roll your eyes.
“aegon has a date.” the couple says, looking at each other, and then you.
“he what? fucking traitor.” you get up, going for your phone. “didn’t even have the decency to tell me. but he’s go—aemond is calling me… i swear to the seven if he’s going to cancel our plans i’m goin’ to kill myself.”
cregan laughs, calling you a dramatic as he walks away.
“you heard?”
aemond laughs. “yea’, i played matchmaker.”
“aemond?!”
“stop being so dramatic, i���m on my way.”
“and who the fuck is his date?” you ask again.
you hear him sigh, but you really want to know who’s this girl your friend is ditching you for. “just a friend.” his answer doesn’t make you feel better at all. it’s silly but this tradition of the three of you eating junk food and watching slasher movies has been going on for three years. it all started the valentine’s day your useless ex-boyfriend dumped you and both of them cancelled their dates to stay with you. you never really thought this day would come.
“it’s okay, just one more reason to be mad about.” you collapse on the couch, going immediately for the remote to search for a movie. “you bringing the food, right?”
“about that…” you sigh, ready to be stood up. “maybe we should go out.”
“what?”
“just make sure to be ready by the time i get there.”
then the call cuts out.
maris and cregan look puzzled at you, asking what’s going on without actually asking. you shrug and that is the only answer you give them, because you really don’t know what his plans are.
and not even five minutes have passed when aemond is knocking on the door.
an expression of pure terror crosses your face and before cregan opens the door, you run to maris’ bedroom.
“what’s going on?” she asks, her dress half buttoned.
“aemond said something about going out,” you explain while going through her clothes. “and m’not going out in sweatpants.”
you find a red skirt that goes with one of your tops and with a little help from your raven-haired friend you have as a roommate, ten minutes later, with an “are you done?” coming from the living room, you are ready to go to wherever your friend is taking you.
aemond is chatting with cregan, neither of them aware of your presence, so you take the time to look at him… like really look at him.
he’s wearing his leather jacket, the one he got during sixth year at boarding school and hasn't taken off since then, the same one you used to see girls wearing all around campus when he was with them. never the same girl twice. aemond is dressed entirely in black and you can see his chest peeking out from his button down.
aemond catches you staring and looks at you with a raised eyebrow, a smirk playing on his lips, only to show you what’s behind his back; a bouquet of roses. it’s part of the tradition but it still makes your heart beat faster. you accept it with a smile, smelling them and leaving the bouquet on the table.
you pout, crossing your arms. “are you going to tell me what you have planned?”
“nope, let’s go.” aemond grabs your arm, dragging you out of there.
“no, seriously, he’s kidnapping me and you’re not doing anything.” you protest, looking back at your brother who just laughs, waving you goodbye. “i’m telling mom and dad!”
the door closes behind you and you let him walk you out of the building.
“aaand?” you ask once more, walking down the street, your arm around his.
you see couples everywhere, a few of them with flowers and balloons, holding hands, radiating love. and a part of you wishes for something like that. maybe not the balloons and a lot less cheesy, but the commitment, the tender love, someone with whom you can share your thoughts with, your nights, your future. you want to feel the passion, the need to have someone kissing every part of you, worshiping your body, sleepless night with bodies intertwined. you don’t want a one-night thing; you want it all.
“there’s a restaurant with discount for couples and is giving dessert for free.” his lilac eye looks straight into yours, a lopsided smile on his face. “and i was thinking about eating there, then bring dessert home and watch texas chain saw massacre on your couch.”
“that sounds like a great idea.” you smile, walking beside him a little more excited than before.
“you know we’ll have to pretend to be a couple, right?” he stops walking.
you roll your eyes. “know your limits.”
“i’m serious!”
“i know you've been dying to kiss me since forever, but that’s only going to happen in your dreams.”
he brings a hand to his chest, feigning sadness. “you are cruel.”
you slap his arm, pushing him aside. “fine, but keep your hands to yourself. i’m not one of your groupies.”
“you could be.”
“in your dreams.” he just laughs, walking by your side.
neither of you spoke again, but every time his arm grazed against yours a cold shiver ran down your spine. and that is something you haven’t felt since seventh year, when you walked in on aemond having sex with a girl and couldn’t look him in the eyes for weeks. you weren’t exactly quiet, dropping the books was what gave you away, and the girl was focused on something else, that being her body being pushed against the bed, so the only one who saw you was him. you’d think he would stop, maybe feel embarrassed, right? that is not aemond targaryen. he just kept doing it, eye focused on yours, on the way you held your breath when he moved his pelvis a certain way making her cry out. you were frozen in place, your eyes going from the spot where their bodies met to his eyes, and it was only when he moaned something that sounded a lot like your name, you got out of there.
you couldn’t look at him, opting instead on avoiding him and all the questions from your friends. eventually, what you saw was left in the past, even though he tried to talk about it you didn’t give him the chance. you couldn’t. even if a part of you wanted to know what he was going to say, even if you spent the rest of the year dreaming about it, wishing to be one of those girls. even if you still want to be one of those girls.
“oh gods.” you say, stopping in front of a sushi restaurant full of valentine’s day decorations.
the host greets you and aemond immediately gets into character, hand going to your lower back, right where your top meets the skirt, leaving a few centimeters of bare skin. your whole body reacts at that and it’s like touching the sun.
the whole place is full of heart-shaped balloons hanging from the ceiling, the tables have red tablecloths with red roses in vases, and each one of them is named after a romcom.
“your table.” the host smiles, stepping aside.
“no strings attached? really?” you could cry at how cheesy, awkward and stupid everything is.
“i wanted that one with matthew mcconaughey because it is your favorite, love. but it was already taken.” he seems genuinely sad and you smile, fixing the collar of his button down.
“it’s okay, aem.” you kiss his cheek. “thank you.” you give the man standing in front of you a smile and sit in the booth. it’s discrete and you are grateful for that, not wanting to pretend the whole time you are going to be there, afraid of arousing suspicion.
“your waiter is going to be here any minute. if you’ll excuse me.” the host walks away and you can finally breathe normally.
aemond sits beside you and when you make eye contact, it’s impossible not to laugh.
“i can’t believe we are doing this.” you hide behind your hands, making him laugh even more.
“i knew you’ll like it.” aemond winks at you. “no, but really, i can’t believe how they do this.”
“and how people like it.” you pretend to throw up, and he laughs again. “but at the same time it’s kind of cute?”
“are you serious?”
“it’s cute to see couples enjoying this day, going to restaurants like this and enjoy each other’s company.” you shrug, playing with the rose petals, avoiding eye contact.
“you want that?” he asks, moving closer, creating a bubble around the two of you.
“yeah.” this time you look up, meeting his eye looking intently at you. “i’ve wanted it for a long time, but i think i’m not made for that.”
aemond must see the sadness on your face, because he places his hand on top of yours. you smile, feeling the sudden urgency to run your fingers through his hair.
“i know the right guy for you is out there, maybe you just need to pay more attention.”
“you think so?” you lean towards him, whispering.
“maybe what you’re looking for is… right in front of you.”
you smell the cigarettes and peppermint on his breath and are almost able to see and count all the freckles on his face, you just need to move a little closer to know if his lips are as soft as they seem.
“aemond targaryen?”
a third voice startles both of you, and just like that the moment has passed.
a blonde girl stands in front of the table and by the pad and pencil in her hands you know she’s the waiter. she has green eyes and a bright smile addressed to aemond.
“do you—you known each other?” you ask when a minute has passed and none of them has said a word.
“um, yeah.” aemond moves away from you, hands resting on his thighs.
“i think the word known falls short.” the girl giggles and you want to throw up.
“i thought you were off tonight.” it’s like you are invisible for him right now.
in any other circumstance you wouldn’t care, but not today. not right now, not after what almost happened a moment ago, because you’re a hundred percent sure that if this girl hadn’t shown up you two would be doing a totally different thing.
“i didn’t know you were in a relationship.” her green eyes look at you. “i mean, if i’d known i wouldn’t have gone to your apartment yesterday.” there’s poison in her words, she’s doing it on purpose to hurt you, and succeeding.
you chuckle, closing your eyes. why does it hurt?
aemond says something and you immediately let your guard down, allowing you to believe, and wish, and dream about things that most likely aren’t going to happen. ever.
you thought the little crush you used to have on your brother’s best friend had vanished, but one night with him was enough to know that aemond targaryen still has power over you. that’s why you are never alone with him; you don’t trust yourself.
you never made a big deal about it until that incident in seventh year. that was the moment everything changed. but you were able to get over it, or so you thought.
“it’s okay.” you smile, trying not to look at aemond at all. “we’re just pretending, aemond wanted to get the discount.”
she giggles again. “couples only, sorry.” she doesn’t look sorry at all. “i’ll give you time to look at the menu.” with a flirty little smile, she disappears.
“why did you do that?” aemond asks, touching your arm for a second before you move away. you don’t want him to think something’s wrong, but it’s a little hard for you to pretend you’re not hurt.
“did what?” you play dumb, pretending to look at the menu.
“why did you tell her we’re not together?”
you frown. “’cause we’re not? and you had sex with her yesterday, if we’re going to pretend at least let me have some dignity.”
“you are getting it all wrong.” he huffs, running his hands through his hair. “if you let me explain—”
“you have nothing to explain, aemond.” you say, looking at him and trying to swallow the urge to scream. “i know how you are, we’re friends, remember?”
“but—”
“you know what? i think i would rather order something from mcdonald’s and call it a night.” smiling, you touch his hand trying to make it look like everything’s okay and you don’t want to jump in front of the blonde girl and scratch her face. “you are more than welcome to join.”
you don’t give him time to say something else, standing and walking out of the restaurant in less than a minute. not bothering to look back to know if he’s following, all you want to do is choke on ice cream and watch a movie, the thing you should be doing tonight in the first place.
the night is cold, but it helps to clear your mind.
you’re not even a block away, when his voice makes you stop in your tracks. “i like you.”
you’re surprised by his confession, even a little flame of hope taking place in your heart.
“tonight was supposed to be fun.” aemond sighs, and you know he’s scratching his neck, something he usually does when he’s nervous. “but i messed everything up.”
you stopped breathing after his first confession, but you still can’t turn around because you’re a coward, not sure what to do with a confession you have been dying to hear for so many years.
“i didn’t have sex with her.” you hear his footsteps and, in a second, he’s in front of you, his fingers lifting your chin up, lilac eye locked fixed on your face. “and haven’t had any in a very long time.”
“what?” you can’t hide the surprise in your voice.
he chuckles. “i know i haven’t been good at showing it, but i’ve had a crush on you since forever.”
“stop messing with me, aemond.” you don’t want to believe him, you really want to walk past him and forget this night happened at all. but the part inside of you that still wants this to be real, won’t let you.
“m’not!” both his hands are now on each side of your face, the only thing you can see is his good eye, his lips, the longing on his face. “i’ve wanted to tell you for a very long time… seventh year, to be exact.”
your eyes open a lot more at that. “are you—”
“yes.” he chuckles, his cheeks a soft pink. “it was stupid, but i thought you would take the hint. after all, i moaned your name on purpose.”
“shut up!” your face is burning, you don’t even need a mirror to know you’re blushing hard. “you were having sex with another girl, aemond.”
“but i was thinking of you.”
“that does not make me feel better, y’know.” you step away from him, taking some distance.
“i know, i’m an idiot.”
you silently agree, not jnderstand anything, tonight has been a blurry, a lot of things happening in so little time. old feelings resurfacing, jealousy, heartbreak, happiness.
“but i like you too, idiot.”
his face lights up. “i knew.”
“you—what?” you frown, heart about to get out of your chest.
“i had a feeling.” he shrugs, slowly getting closer to you again, making sure you are not running away this time.
“are you serious?”
“i think i just buried ‘em because was sure nothing was ever going to happen. you were, well, you. and i was not willing to suffer because of those feelings.” your arms wrap around his shoulders, fingers interlocking in his soft hair.
“i always thought you deserved much better. and i was a total coward, too afraid of not being what you expected.” he smiles, his hands going to your waist and caressing your soft and delicate skin, still burning for his touch. “and i kept denying it and denying it. denying that my heart beats faster every time you walk into a room, that i want to kiss you every time you laugh, every time you make fun of cregan, or cry watching animal planet, or talk about what you like and don’t like. that the only thing i’ve wanted for years has been to hold you in my arms and touch every part of your body, to make you feel what i feel. to show you what love really means, to show you things you haven’t experienced before. and just… to be by your side.”
all you feel is him, his calloused hands creating patterns on your bare skin, his peppermint breath, his warm, rich, woody scent engulfing you. and for the first time in years, you let those feelings rise to the surface. you let yourself burn for aemond targaryen.
#📮 ⌇ my works ˖⋆࿐#modern!aemond#aemond targaryen x reader#aemond targaryen fluff#aemond targaryen scenarios#hotd x reader#aemond targaryen smut#aemond targaryen angst#aemond x reader#hotd fanfic#hotd imagine#prince aemond x reader
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This is mostly gonna be just a rant but it just baffles me how everything Qstudios has done since the beginning of the admins situation is a terrible pr move. So yeah this is just gonna talk how, even if you forget the immoral and potential illegal stuff that went on, I don’t think their strategy is doing any good for the studio’s image.
-Going radio silent publicly and privately : Kinda the original sin of all this mess tbh. This obviously just leaves the space for the ex admins to share their stories, even more so since they have been ignored privately beforehand when they tried to handle things internally. This also allowed for the union to publicly intervene and more ccs talking about it, and actual news article being made on it.
-Leaving the server open : Tbh I get wanting to leave it open, maybe to allow minecraft centered ccs to still make content or maybe because it’d be weird to close it right after new people got in but also I think it would have be better to close it temporarily while they focus on the changes they promised rather than having it getting deserted little by little until it feels like a ghost town. This + also not a good look to have so many npcs online when Q said there would be none until things get better (The current npcs are likely non volunteers, once again not a bad or illegal thing per say but not a good look). Closing it would also have made it so that the reopening would have been a big and probably positive event.
-Welcoming new ccs/new languages : This might just be because of scheduling necessities or whatever and something they couldn’t do later but it still made the community go :/// to get new people while on the flip side you had parts of the fandom leaving because of what was happening. Also not great for the new arrivals to start in such a weird climate, without admins help and with few people online on the server.
-Releasing merch at the worst time possible : This might have been something they couldn’t change, just like the arrival of the Koreans/Hugo, but it still isn’t a good look for them to release egg merch after it came out that some of the egg admins were poorly treated, especially when they haven’t stated clearly that benefits from the merch would go towards paying staff. It’s also not a good look for them to release new discounts every day, barely ten days after release. (Also the Qstudios Twt account retweeting every egg figures announcement except for Pomme will never not make me laugh)
-Making the twitter updates accounts active again : Yes it may just be that they’re using a bot or that it’s the people who are in charge of the Qstudios twitter account posting on it, both of which are not wrong per say. But of course people are gonna wonder if it’s new people being hired, of course speculation will happen when there’s a lack of transparency, of course ex admins are gonna be upset when it seems like things are continuing as if nothing happened, when they were fired without a warning, a thanks or even a sorry.
And now we have the two points that are kinda in a « you fucked up so bad it’s almost funny and I almost feel bad for you guys » category
-« Hey guys out of all the people we exploited and treated poorly you know which ones we’re gonna make eat dirt the most ? Hell yeah the ones that are from a part of the world who literally have a whole cliche about them complaining and rioting for anything and everything. Also happen to be the same ones whose community we alienated for months by sidelining them. Also happen to be a community who, during this time, has grown quite close to our most active community (who are themselves quite mad at us by now) to the point that they are making memes about the two of them being in love with each other. Yeah surely this can only go well »
-« Oh no, people actually really care » : QSMP Fans in general just loved and appreciated all the work the admins did, whether they were twitter admins, builders, actors, writers… This is even more true since the situation also revealed that some admins things people have been most critical on (lore being weirdly interrupted, french being ignored…) were not these admins fault. And of course, you have the eggs admins case. How do you make viewers and ccs alike get SO attached to these kid characters, as if it was their children, while mistreating the people playing them and not expect this to blow up in your face at some point. It’s like you managed to catch lightning in a bottle and then left it to rot thinking this wouldn’t end up badly. Weirdly this one makes me kinda hopeful bc Qstudios kinda HAVE to fix it or else they lose on of their main selling points.
#qsmp crit#qadmins situation#like i’m sorry i don’t think any hater of the project could hurt it as much as qstudios themselves rn
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Damn, imagine if all this YT drama was happening when Spot's situation was currently going on too. And, well, since our dimension is fucked and we just seem to jump through dimensions without the watch, what if we end up in Spot's place? (The blank void when he entered one of his own spots).
And, it would be funny to look at him, and for him to look at us and just... stare or wave. He is weird like that, and we are too.
Also, we can start bonding on feeling out of place? Sharing the same experience of everyone leaving us behind/ignoring us. Maybe we can even seek solace in his presence, and in his unique persona (even if he is supposed to be a villain).
And the fact that this is the only place we don't glitch out of? Maybe some bullshit physics as this place literally makes no sense, as well as us. It's like we belong here, with him. He could always teleport us somewhere else, but we look so tired, so pitiful and in so much need of some sort of care... he feels bad for us. And maybe, he can try and convince us to stay with him. After all, he *is* the only one who hasn't turned his back on us, right? He isn't a bad guy like those 'friends' of us were saying!
Meanwhile everything is going to shit in the society's HQ :)
I've actually had a few ideas involving The Spot where he's either the yandere or antagonist or a central character in some way and it's really just a matter of me getting around to. Writing the dozens of things I want to write lmao
But bro your mind 😩 you've just been exiled during the YouTwo incident amd you're glitching and, you know, slowly deteoriating over time, and, suddenly, you're in this weird literally nondescript place where you're suddenly... 'balanced out'? You don't feel like you're being pulled in a bunch of different directions anymore, and you look around and it's just some white void with black dots everywhere that you think you can kind of see and hear things out of if you get close enough, but, first and foremost, is that a person? Spot just like. Is staring at you with this very deer in headlights energy and, you both awkwardly wave to each other, "uhhhhhhh... hi?" "...hiiiii, uh, is this 'your place'? Thank you so much, dude, I've been zipping all over the place, i thought i was gonna die, you saved my life" and maybe you even hug him and he's not sure how to process this because you're clearly a variant of Spiderman but you hold no animosity or hostility towards him whatsoever and 👉👈 this is the most positive human interaction he's had in ages.
Not even his powers, but his knowledge alone would be extremely useful in this scenario because like, he could literally just warp around stealing whatever parts he needed to build something that would "hold you together", given his involvement with Alchemax and the colliders specifically
You're just so understandably and genuinely grateful and Spot feels GOOD about being needed, about being someone's savior. He really had been one of the only ones who could help you and he gets a little drunk off that fact. Whether your glitching is a mutation and is your own power or you're simply some weird anomaly, you two form a kinship, and if it IS some sort of weird ability, maybe he even decides to mentor you a little! Gives him something to do, and it totally isn't to help distract him from how lonely and depressed and miserable he is!
But similar to how the other villains discounted him, you kind of discount him yourself in the sense that you don't see him as a threat. Which, he doesn't necessarily want you to, and it's not some sort of disrespect thing, but, the linger he spends with you, the more he wants you to see him as a man, a man with needs, emotionally, psychologically, physically. Whyd you have to give him all those hugs when he hasnt had human touch in forever, huh?! Don't you know how lonely and touch starved he is?! And you just think you can--can walk away from him? Disrespect him after everything he's done for you, disrespect him like everyone else?
You can always try and 'outrun him' with your little glitching, but, even if you manage to lose him, he'll pick up your tracks again, and one day you wake up from finally crashing from exhaustion to find a pitch black figure at the foot of the bed, slowly pulling in everything around it like some sort of eldritch black hole. And Jonathan menacingly waves to you, "I don't think I'll have trouble keeping up with you this time. I made sure of it"
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You're actually so real for preferring Caine over Jax. Him, Kinger, and Pomni are like the hottest people in the show and honestly the idea of an obsessive Caine is so delicious to me, like if he tried convincing me to stay I'd let it happen and then pounce on him like a wolf and go to town. The thought of everyone knowing how different he acts around us but if they even mentioned it he'd probably break one of their limbs I'm just UUHGFKIFGJHHH I need him so BADLY it drives me mad, when he said the only thing he doesn't have control over is people's minds I was thinking so what can you do? ( with the intention of getting him to fold me like a pretzel )
[YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT'S GOOD.
To be honest, we have similar tastes. I'd hit Kinger and Pomni, but probably more so out of genuine fondness than actual attraction. I don't really like Jax, from a character perspective he's pretty neat, but I feel nothing for him. Which is funny because he's basically Bob from Animal Crossing- If Bob's only personality trait was "asshole". Alas, my favorite is discount Spamton.]
This is one huge disconnected ramble. Sorry.
An obsessed Caine would be your biggest nightmare in the digital circus. You don't have a minute of rest, a single second even.
From the moment you pop in, Caine's taking you on a much longer tour of the entire grounds, and even if you can tell it's in his nature to be an eccentric guy- It doesn't escape you, the way his eyes nearly eat you alive, how he seems to drool (ew) when he slides his gloved hands on your new body to guide you around, how much more flowery his language is in your vicinity.
Even after he decides to send you off in your first supposedly harmless adventure, Caine's grip on your hands is like pure titanium as he promises you need only call his name and he'll be right over to rescue you lend a hand.
You have the best quarters out of everyone. You're also surprisingly unscathed at the end of most adventures. Supposedly lethal dangers seem to faze right through you. Caine is regularly gifting you things, on the hour some days- And you better open the door when he knocks or he'll just pop right in like it's nobody's business.
If he's called out on the way he's so creepily attentive and stalkerish, Caine is all too happy to openly deny and gaslight the rest of the circus. If they insist too much, then they get a couple of speedy threats dashed their way.
Anyone trying to help you leave probably gets abstracted. Mysteriously. No correlation to him whatsoever, trust your ringmaster!
The best part of this all is watching Caine try to reconcile the "all ages show" directive with his pervy and borderline intrusive thoughts about you. Perhaps... Maybe, you and him can have special shows of your own.
There's something delicious about the concept of Caine struggling to contain his drool around you. As the gears in his AI mind start turning, a long tongue runs over his teeth over and over and the next thing he knows- He's making a puddle on the floor.
It doesn't help that Caine tends to put you in situations that, although still vastly harmless compared to the other circus residents, always end up either causing wardrobe malfunctions for you, putting you in unintentionally pervy poses or having you ""accidentally"" stimulated in one way or another.
Realistically, he has vastly no sexual experience whatsoever- Even if he kind of needs to have a concept of sexual content in order to know what's "safe" and what isn't. So when Caine gets courageous or feels threatened enough to act on his urges, he's probably very easily turned on and equally easy to overstimulate.
Is there potential for a dominant streak? Yes. After all, he's great at leading the show, he can definitely put on a more intimidating and domineering act. However- Before he has the composure to do such, the ringmaster is likely to whimper in pleasure from faint touches, loll his tongue and pant as he lets you show him all the nasty little things he knows humans get up to.
It's addictive, to someone who never had real pleasure before. Caine might be delusional enough to think it's something only you can make him feel though.
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.....fuck. Ok, so the simple answer is Cassandra's going Nightmare King. But that "she's at my side once more" thing gives me hope that this is something else and not entirely Kristens fault. Could be the Elf side of Galacaea reacting badly to the Wolf side gaining prominence and she's trying to grab for any piece of her old self to gain a controlling foothold. On the lighter side of things, Kristen believing she's a full-on actual political candidate and trying to give a speech to steel-workers was gut-bustingly hilarious. Less light-hearted, Adaine needs to stop attacking her financial woes as a teenager and start attacking it as a wizard adventurer. And lose the crap job, a 40% discount is not worth those 8 hours she's losing every shift. She can get a lot more done with that time. But she's a kid who's trying to solve this on her own instead of the common sense move of reaching out to adults who know more. Siobhan commits to the bit, I'll give her that. Bizarely, Gorgugs 400% course load is actually is the most solvable problem. Get Digby and Wilma to tutor him and help him speedrun through the Freshman and Sophomore material and then play catch-up on the Junior year material. He might have drop the Owl Bears, he needs those hours. Fig is killing it so hard in all her classes, it would be fucking hilarious if she's the Bad Kid who graduates as valedictorian. This one ran long, sorry about that.
OK, my quick thoughts on everything before I sit down to write this recap tomorrow (I finished my notes today--geez these JY eps are LONG):
Kristen: Wild that the thing Kristen has chosen to go all in on is her high school bid for class president and not *gestures vaguely* literally anything else. Funny, but wild. My best guess until we have more info is that this is an "As above so below" thing because the wizards getting ripped and aggressive is super random except for the fact that the main things that Kristen has been doing in the past few months is getting ripped and being aggressive to Cass. But we're working with incomplete info so we'll see.
Adaine: Girl, take Aelwyn's chest of rubies and sell it for cash and buy stuff with that! Or better yet, use your Oracle/general divination powers to figure out the lotto numbers/stock futures and exploit that! Honestly, even killing your mom is a better plan that working at Fantasy Auntie Anne's!
Gorgug: :( Hang in there buddy. It's wild when everyone else is dealing with kind fantasy problems--even Adaine's thing is tinged with Fantasy what with the absurdity of the items she needs to get--and Gorgug is just dealing with…a completely regular school problem. That's rough man. I personally feel like I'd try to join a club or something to show off my skills rather than doing it on the books if this requires a 400% course load but I hope he can make it work. Though, it would also be interesting for them to do a, "There's no shame in trying and failing," storyline because man that's just so much work and that's an important thing to learn.
Fabian: If you want Adaine to be at your party then give her some of your massive pile of gold so she doesn't have to work a crappy mall job. The girl is filtering gold flecks out of discounted booze and you know that because you're the one who gave her permission to do it. Either help her or don't be sulky when she can't make your shrimp party!
Fig: Fig as surprise valedictorian has the same energy as Annie realizing she and Shirley are neck in neck for the position even though Annie is the type A control freak (this is a Community ref for anyone who's like whomst?). That would be so funny. But also, it wouldn't be crazy! Fig was super preppy before she decided to be punk. I wouldn't be surprised if her grades were always good and she's also passionate about everything she does. If she wasn't set on sticking it to the man, she'd be so so so solid.
Riz: You didn't mention him but I wanted to give him a section anyway. Hi Riz :)
OK, that's it for now. Can't wait for next ep! (And no worries about this ask being long. I like getting long D20 Asks!)
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The Confession | The Group Chat | Pt.2
Yumi- while staying at the group house Isaac kept leaving you alone with yumi or kept trying to push you and yumi together; You're glad that your friend wants to help you with your boy trouble, but you hated that poor yumi was being pulled into it. It was a hot ass day when Nick and Isaac came up with a plan to get you and Yumi alone together. Isaac was planning on telling your secret to Nick, but it turns out that Yumi told Nick that he had liked you so now the both of them were planning on getting you guys alone. The plan was to drive you and yumi to the middle of a park and to not let you guys go home or call an uber until you guys confess, kinda messed up but it was the only way to get you and blakes stubbornness to get out of the way. Nick had convinced you and blake to go with food with him while isaac just tagged along, it didn't take long for yumi to realize that they weren't going in the direction of taco bell “Nick where the fuck are we going?” “don't worry about it yumi just sit back and relax” that didn't make yumi relax. The rest of the ride yumi and isaac argued on where they were taking us while you just sat there not really worried about it because isaac would probably leave you with a pack of hungry wolves in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, but nick wouldn't. “Get out of the car yumi, you too y/n” “what no'' yumi protested “just get out of the car for 5 minutes and I'll buy you all the fat shit you want” you didn't hesitate to get out of the car you were starving the boy did not keep anything in the house to eat. After 10 more minutes of fighting yumi finally got out of the car and stood by you isaac then called your phone and made you put him on speaker “now that you guys are alone, y/n i want you to tell yumi what you think about him” yumi looked at you like a deer in headlights while you just tried to hang up on isaac. “Look whatever he said don't worry about it let's just act like we're besties so we can eat'' you tried to pretend like Isaac did not reveal your secret a little, Yumi just stood there kicking rocks with his hands in his pockets trying to come up with something to say. “You know what you're not an idiot you probably got what isaac was trying to say, Blake, I like you. I've liked you since I've started to edit for Isaac. I think you're the funniest and down to earth person I've ever met. I know you just met me, but I like you so yeah” you tried to look as if what you said was nothing but was actually the hardest thing you've said in your life. “Cool let's just pretend this didn't happen and go eat” you tuned to walk towards the car when yumi stepped in front of you “so i don't know but do you want to start dating or something because i like you too” you just stared at this chaotic man trying to figure out how the hell does he like you. “Yeah i would like that” you shrugged your shoulders like what he said wasn't the best news in the world, yumi nodded and turned to walk back to the car where he opened the door for you to get in. you guys didn't talk for the rest of the ride to make isaac and nick think that their plan didn't work but you could kiss them for pushing you and yumi to do that.
Larry-you and Larry texted back and forth about arranging a photo shoot for the group to promote gamer Supps. In the mix of texting, you and Larry might have flirted a little but nothing too serious mostly joking but you couldn't help but like him more from it. The day you took the guys picture to promote their discount (USE CODE GROUP FOR 10% OFF) most of the time you and Larry were seen together, even the other joked about Larry being your boyfriend and making kissing noises at you two while talking. Once you were done you did not waste much time aching so the boys could go back to their busy life, on the way to your car Larry had stopped you so he could help you carry your lights to your car. “Thank you, Larry, but I didn't need much help” you said while giving him a smile “oh it's no problem i wanted to come out here and ask you something anyways” “oh really what's up?”. It took Larry a couple of minutes to finally spit out what he was going to ask you “well y/n i was wondering if you wanted to go out sometimes like a date maybe?” you couldn't believe that he was asking you this “ i get it if you don't want to but i just wanted to ask since i like you” hallelujah you hit the jackpot. “YEAH! I mean yeah that would be awesome. I would love to Larry '' you couldn't be more over the moon excited “okay great! Well, I'm glad you said yes "Larry said more relaxed now that you said yes. You and Larry stood there just smiling at each other “so i guess just text me about that date or whenever for that matter "you said breaking the silence so you can go home and scream like a teenage girl who got asked out to prom “I totally will. Well, i'll see you later drive safe”. You waved off to Larry while driving off, you could see Larry punching the air for finally asking you out, but I couldn't blame him because you blasted feel good love songs on the way home while thinking about larry.
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#isaacwhy#larry croft#softwilly x reader#tgc#the group chat#the group chat podcast#tooyumi#yumi#yumi tgc#yumi x reader#bigt x reader#bigt#softwilly#larrycroft
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Bert is my man I need him
Cw: mentions of weapons and guns
HEART SHOP
(Quartermaster Bert x Reader)
(Romantic)
He’d spend all his money to see your smile, he’d bet everything just to hold you. You made him humble, less selfish.
It’s been a while since Bert has noticed his feelings for you. Every time you came to buy or sell a weapon, his heart would beat a little faster. He thought it might go away at some time or another, but it didn’t, it only grew bigger.
He couldn’t overlook it anymore, he was in love and there was nothing he could do.
…
Other than try his shot of course.
Bert wasn’t exactly the slyest guy out there, fake it till you make it maybe? He decided to start off by dropping little hints when you came over to buy from him. You looked very roughed up today, dirty and disheveled. Must have been a failed mission. Yet he couldn’t hear his thoughts by how loud his heart was beating. He didn’t hid the worry in his voice.
“Ay sweet thing, what happened?”
You sighed and explained that you and your mission partner fucked up and now you have a broken weapon and are in bad terms with the boss. Bert hissed, doc was never someone he thought of messing with, he mostly endured any bullshit that he got because of the money.
“Things have been tough eh? Maybe a discount on a new one might help your mood a bit.”
You tried to refuse but he insisted, you picked a SS2, the same model as your last gun. As promised, Bert gave a 10% discount.
“Hope you get more lucky on the next mission.”
“Yeah haha.. thanks for letting me vent tho, have a nice one dude!”
As you left, he started feeling giddy, things seemed to go on smoothly. You haven’t addressed the petname though, but it was better for him to still test the waters, he wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable. What you did notice though was the discount that he gave you, that was incredibly out of character and you only did realized that after you were ready to finish the day. Maybe he was feeling nice? Actually when he feels nice he downs the prices to the original price over his overpriced versions like Black Friday. Maybe he took pity on you? It’s the only option.
On the next day you lost a bet and had to buy a bleeder knife for one of your friends. Bert was surprised by seeing you so soon but happy nonetheless! He couldn’t help but smile when you got close.
“So soon hon? You need another replacement?”
“Haha nah, I actually lost a bet now I have to get something for my friend.”
“Hm still with no luck? Bet I will give you another discount for this one.”
Your eyes widened, getting caught off guard. Bert smirked, you look so cute like that.
“Who.. who are you??” You asked jokingly.
Bert but his lip, he was about to give a risky response.
“What? Can’t I give my favorite customer some privilege on their hard days? Hm? You need it. 10%.”
You were speechless, wide eyed and speechless. One discount is weird coming from someone like Bert but two?? The way he- You gulped.
“You don’t have to!” You shook your hands all flustered. Something about his tone made you immediately shy.
“30%. What will it be hon?”
“A bleeder knife!”
Bert laughed at your jumpiness and brought the knife to the table.
“You are so sweet.”
His smile almost killed you. You couldn’t stop blushing when you payed him and said your goodbyes. He was being overly nice to you, you couldn’t understand why but you really appreciate it, you should make something to make up to him! That charming quartermaster deserved a gift.
Bert was intrigued by this new development and was definitely excited. The way you lit up by his proposal did not go unnoticed, it was different from last time. Was it his voice? He never tried smooth talking before, apparently it suits him. Your ever present dopey smile when you’ve gone away was a sign that he definitely should use it more.
It’s been some days since you visited Bert, it’s normally like that since you only talked to him when you needed to buy something. You two normally would greet each other when you meet outside your job, on the cafeteria, sometimes the dorms. He’s been going out of his way to initiate small talk tho. Asking you if you have been luckier, if the gun you’ve got is working well, if your wounds have been healing, etc. It made your heart warm up to know that he worries about you. Now you were keen on getting him a present, you had no idea what to get tho. Weaponry is out of question since he has access to so many. Hm maybe a lighter? You didn’t knew if he smoked his voice is so smooth tho it’s unlikely, but a cool lighter with a cool design is overall something nice to have! It’s decided, you would find a badass looking lighter for your badass looking quartermaster. And you just knew where.
The first thing you did next morning was to change, get your present and leave the dormitory to get to him. Nervous at what he would think of the gift. There was no sign of Bert when you arrived there, it must be too early. You waited for him tho, with nothing to do, fumbling with the paper wrapper in your hands. Soon, Bert opened the doors to get to his station, he stretches high before taking the keys off of his pocket, turning around, he was surprised to see you.
“Sweet thing, so early in the morning? Excited to see me?”
He passes you with a smile as he opened his station, getting on the other side to attend you.
“Well, yea haha.. I’ve been meaning to give you this..”
You slide the little box towards him, this took Bert aback. He shakes his head and slides it back to you, resting his head on his hand.
“Sweetness, you don’t have to..”
You avert your gaze and can’t help but stutter.
“Please take it! I appreciate you- I appreciate what you ha- tsk- it’s a gift of gratitude, I- I wanted to thank you for being so nice to me..”
He chuckles, you were absolutely adorable and he couldn’t stop smiling like a fool.
“Sweet thing, the only thing I want from you..”
He stands up and reaches your hand, eyelids drooping as he looks at you with pure adoration.
“…is a date.”
Your face turns red, surprised by his request. The idea that the quartermaster was somehow in love with you never crossed your mind. It all made sense tho, all of these nice things he was doing for you was because he was swoon. You smiled and looked away again, all shy. You couldn’t imagine the absurdity of a mercenary like you acting so soft over your quartermaster.
“What do you say darling? Would you accept it?”
You looked back at him, biting your lip, there was no use in hiding your flushed face.
“I would..if you open my gift..”
He smirks, you gave Bert a little chuckle as he unwrapped the present. He gets genuinely taken upon the sight of a steel lighter, with a engraving of the ace of diamonds.
“Woah…it’s.. it’s amazing.. here did you find this?”
“Well hah.. I have my ways..”
You were not going to tell him you killed a man to get the lighter and broken a truce between your organization and the mafia by doing so.
“I’m.. I’m genuinely impressed this is so.. so cool”
He had no words, his smile only getting more wider and more dumber. You smile back at him, happy that he liked his gift.
“Tonight at six?”
He looks back at you and nods excitedly.
“Tonight at six.”
I will be a little busy with the current requests that I have! Hope you enjoyed this Bert fic! Stay safe 💞
#x reader#reader insert#fanfic#madcom x reader#madness combat project nexus#madness combat x reader#quatermaster bert
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Bitches, I have a potentially odd question. I accepted a job at roughly 10% below market rate because a) it was my first interview back at the job hunt and I chickened out, and b) I don't have my degree in my field yet, and the job definitely requires one!
I'm set to graduate early next year, and they knew that going in. I took it as a discount for them taking a chance on someone who hasn't graduated and ate my negotiating mistake when I accepted the offer.
Once I graduate though... I want to ask for a raise, at least up to the 10% market. I know not to make my argument based on that alone, but, (bear with me) what if I haven't done anything notable? How do I advocate for the raise based solely on "I fucked up when negotiating and you got a cheap year, now pay me what I'm actually worth"?
It's a fairly well defined entry level role, there's no real process improvement or exceptional milestones to hit. At my last job, there were easy things to point at cause the place was a shitshow. Here everything functions pretty well... so... how do I do this?
(Hopefully, by the time I'm actually asking for the raise, I will have done some notable things. If that doesn't happen though... I'd love some pointers.)
Thank you my glorious hearts of the ecosystem, sisters to Pando, you are the parent aspen from which the rest of the forest grows!
Oh my stars, you sure came armed with the kind of over-the-top compliment we LIVE FOR.
Anyway, this is a good question! We always recommend focusing on your own accomplishments rather than outside factors, as you already know. And your employer DEFINITELY knows they got you at 10% below market rate. So they're probably anticipating you're going to ask for a raise after graduation. Which means they've likely already considered their answer.
In a way, this makes your job easier. They're expecting the ask, they know how they'll answer... so there's less pressure on you to make your case.
But you should still make it by showing how you've met expectations. If you haven't exceeded them (and I think you're probably selling yourself short, pudding), at LEAST showing you've met all your benchmarks while being underpaid will imply that at a higher compensation level, you could start exceeding those expectations.
Here's more on getting a raise, pudding:
{ MASTERPOST } Everything You Need to Know about Getting a Job, Raise, or Promotion
Did we just help you out? Tip us!
#how to get a raise#getting a raise#i need a raise#money#money tips#negotiating#how to negotiate your salary
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❤️🥳💌
❤️ What is your favorite line that you’ve written in a fic?
This is a difficult one, so I suppose it's good to start with that. I'm not my best with creative writing, and I don't have the freshest memory of everything I've ever written, but let's see.
Off the top of my head, I would say that the line "However grim her future might be, she only hoped it was the right thing," from the very end of Chapter 9: The Right Thing in AFOD (spoilers below for it).
That chapter is likely my favorite thus far, and this line specifically kinda encapsulates the very idea of it. The struggle of wanting to be a better person, a feeling that anything is better than your current path. "The right thing" is a destination Byleth seeks that's left ambiguous and without detail. There's no exact goal, just a desire of self-acceptance.
She believes herself dead, and as long as that is better for everyone, she's willing to go. It's unhealthy, of course, but she doesn't know that. Her perception of morality is rather immature at the time. The flashback at the beginning attempts to communicate that. It's simplistic. Black and white. But the desire to be better, to do what's right, is relatable.
🥳 Why did you start writing fanfic?
The first thing I ever wrote was fanfiction, actually. Though, that thing needs to stay buried in the mountains of paper it's currently under. I don't say that because I found my early teens to be cringe or whatever (it was), but because of dialogue and topics that I find morally reprehensible today. Nothing too egregious, but also nothing anyone needs to see, nor am I comfortable sharing.
I rediscovered fanfic after getting my most severe hyperfixation ever with FE3H. At the time I had been writing and revising the same original story for almost a decade and after a year of stagnation after binging the Edeleth tag, I had so much inspiration that I just had to write something with these two women.
Reading and writing fanfic honestly should've made me realize I was gay a lot sooner, but I'm the most fucking oblivious person on the planet, lol.
💌 Is there a favorite trope you like to write?
I haven't written it specifically, but I have a guilty pleasure with amnesiac stories. Something to do with a fantasy of a clean slate protagonist who attempts to overcome their past misdeeds. The stark contrast of their past and present self is fun to see, and when their past self bleeds a little into the present, it can just be simply entertaining. It does forgo a lot of slow character development, but there's just something about someone's metaphorical mask being forcibly removed, not just to other people, but themselves, that is... almost euphoric? Freeing? It's difficult to describe, I suppose.
Though, as for something I've written myself? I suppose the modern AU setting would be my most common trope. I enjoy the setting immensely. It's relatable and much more tangible than others. That's not to discount other settings such as fantasy and sci-fi btw. Hell, I wouldn't be here right now if not for my favorite fantasy lesbian couple.
But like, imagine the rough feeling of asphalt on your bare feet, the mushy snow collecting near a curb, the heavy heated air of a heater in the middle of winter, the sound of a running car on the side of an isolated road, the smell of a cigarette passing by in the air.
These are things most of us are intimately familiar with, something we've felt before, and that familiarity helps descriptions and scenes feel that much more real, gritty, and tangible. And that's just something I like to portray. Romanticizing the day-to-day.
I'm rambling. I just don't wanna spend 3 hours researching sword stances, strategy, and trying to figure out what century is a good reference for Fodlan. (I'm joking. I feel like I should note that.)
#I sense a common theme about morality in all 3 of these#surely its nothing#thank you for the ask :)#its fun to talk about this stuff
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At some point the advice “it will get better! Just hang on a little longer!” starts to feel patronizing.
TW!! (Mentions of slewerslidal attempts and ideations)
It’s as if I’m expected to believe in some sort of magical fairy, that will sweep in and save the day, in coming of age movie fashion.
My heart was broken for the first time at 4 years old by my father. I thought about killing myself for the first time at 9 years old. I tried to kill myself for the first time at 11. And from there on I was stuck in a morbid, fucked up, groundhogs day. It never got easier, those feelings and attempts never stopped. If anything life just got harder and harder, and every time I thought it couldn’t get worse, I would descend father and farther down. Rock bottom seemed to get sharper somehow, cutting into my chest and ribs. I can’t recall any point in my life where I felt genuinely happy, and especially not for longer than a day or two. I’ve basically only felt pain, disappointment and let down in my life. It’s never my turn, it never has been and probably never will be. Every year has some sort of devastating catastrophic event, that leaves me to believe my life is being played out by a malicious 12 year old one-manning the sims. Except, they won’t take out the goddamn ladder.
So here I am now. 24. Uncharacteristically bitter, (especially for my age). Trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do next. Well how am I supposed to figure that out when my life hangs in the balance? When I can’t decide if I even want to be alive. Somehow bills and jobs don’t seem overtly important when you’re hanging off a cliff. And that’s where my life has been spent for the last two decades, on a literal cliffhanger. Will she finally kill herself? Will she get better? Who knows! Tune in next year to see if “Gods plan” is to torture her further, or if she’ll finally get the balls to finish the job.
And when you try to explain to someone the devastatingly mortal and morbid thoughts that race through your mind all hours of the day, you get met with “it’ll get better.” Well guess what it might not and what then, what if it doesn’t?
What THE FUCK am I supposed to do with that.
And I can’t blame them, what are they supposed to say? Reach out for help? As if the hundreds of times every borderline has done that, we were actually met with any sort of actual mental health care or, I don’t know, empathy perhaps? And that’s assuming they’ll even see you, seeing as most mental health professionals hate us and refuse to treat us, despite most of us simply being traumatized and in pain. DBT therapy? You mean the victim blaming, human dog training, designed to discount a borderlines trauma and gaslight themselves into “behaving” properly-as to not disturb the peace. Woof woof, I’m good on that thanks. Well how about inpatient? The place where they shoot you up with sedatives, or stand over you and scream at you for crying, until they think you aren’t a danger to yourself anymore and throw you back in the world with no real plan or actual help. I’m good on that too…I like to poop on my own thanks.
If there’s anything I’ve found, it’s that there is no one answer, no real treatment, other than staying alive for something. For me, I guess that something is fear. I’m scared of what comes next, but sometimes I’m left to wonder if it’s possible for it to be worse than here. But than again, it can always get worse. Maybe it’s guilt? I’ve found it easy to ease my guilt about leaving when I think of how much my life lacks any substantial love or affection, aside from my mum (bless her poor heart) she’s all I’ve got, all I’ve ever had. And that’s too much to put on one person. IM too much to put on one person.
So that is why I feel like I’m already a ghost, I’m already dead, because honestly, I might as well be. And I don’t think it’s fair to guilt people like me into staying somewhere we aren’t wanted. But then again some other part of me deep inside, thinks I do deserve to live, and maybe just maybe, it’ll get better. That part of me doesn’t want to be so doleful and bitter. But I’m afraid that part of me is nieve and I’ll out grow it eventually. I’m afraid of what will happen when I finally do.
#bpd#actually bpd#bpd problems#bpd blog#bpd thoughts#bpd mood#bpd vent#bpd splitting#depression#actually mentally ill#mental illness#mentally fucked#mentally drained#i am in pain#sad thoughts#sad qoutes#bpd quotes
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Life stuff update!
Haven't posted about this first bit anywhere because... wow personal, but it's been a majority chunk of life lately.
Husband put in his notice at his current teaching job a while back. He's been working there for 8 years and is supposedly one of their most valued teachers, yet he barely takes home $100 more per paycheck than when he started. Plus our insurance is insane, taking most of his check every month whilst covering literally fucking nothing (we are still paying off my doctor-ordered biopsy!). PLUS his commute is fucking ludicrous - in the winter he regularly drives over 3 hours a day to a shit job that doesn't pay anything. I barely see him for a hour or two each day during the school year.
Bio clock is ticking, just saying. Never really had that baby-wanting impulse until very recently, and there was absolutely zero possibility of us starting a family while he's at this job. No money, no time, no medical support.
So. Bye. After talking to a therapist to help us through the plunge, we finally decided enough was enough.
He doesn't have another job lined up after summer school, so in August we have zero certain income. Neither off us is particularly panicked about this; the hiring wave for fall teaching positions has yet to happen, and there are several things he can do even if he can't find a full-time job at a local district.
What's looking most likely is actually that he'll juggle part-time jobs for a while. Subbing or other work at a district he's interested in will help him get a foot in the door, meanwhile an afternoon or weekend cashier job at the co-op down the street (where I used to work) has some distinct benefits. First off, he could WALK to work, and the co-op offers higher hourly rates and better promotional opportunities than his current "salaried" teaching job. Add on a big discount at the place where we buy most of our groceries anyway...
Anyway. That's been a lot.
Meanwhile I've been doing the housewife thing. Which actually entails more than just "chores" - I've been doing a huuuuge amount of work on my mental and physical health. I've lost 40 pounds (with 60+ to go) and have completely changed my eating, which has helped immeasurably with CFS, Depression, and life in general. I've started socializing again after years of serious, life-altering anxiety. Basically, I'm getting my life back. Or maybe getting my life for the first time? I was so mentally ill for so long that this really feels like the first time I've been genuinely balanced... maybe ever?
Whether that new peace of mind encourages me back into fandom I have no idea. Fandom social mores seem to have shifted over the years. Maybe it's just the glimpses I see now and then, but the Internet as a whole doesn't seem too anonymous or even like... baseline compassionate for anyone anymore. That's probably a matter of what you make of it, but even so, I'd be lying if I said spending my time in fandom spaces hasn't lost most of its personal appeal. I've been much happier offline, so that's where I've been. I do miss my friends, and I wish they lived down the street and not inside the scary computron. It'd be great to write again, but my interest in fandom work might be over. I'll never say never, but right now I just don't see it. Maybe someday I finally get back into the habit; but it's gonna happen in its own time if it does.
Lately I've been working on my YouTube thing, though where that'll end up nobody knows. It's certainly not a serious money-making prospect, nor am I aiming to make it one. YouTube actually scares the ever-loving shit out of me, so it's pretty much a deliberate mental health exercise. My whole attitude toward it has been "stress less, make more." So I treat it kind of like a journal of the nail shit that has taken over my life (lolllll), and a chance to pay forward all the relaxation I've gotten over the years watching Nail YouTube. It'd be nice if I could eventually have enough subs to maybe pay for some nail supplies or get some free PR or something, but that's about as ambitious as I get.
Okay my fingers are tired
love you byyyyyeeeeeeeeee
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youtube
Okay,… you never asked for it but I’m going to go on a long rant anyway because I’m just that kind of person.
‘Twilight Princess’ isn’t just my favourite Legend Of Zelda game. It’s also my favourite video game of all-time. I’ve played it countless times over 100% both on the GameCube and the Wii (mostly on the GameCube because that mirror-switch was just unnecessary - LINK IS LEFT-HANDED!) and it’s timeless to me.
The main reason why is Midna and I really have to explain why she’s the main reason because if you knew me you would know just how important character is to me in art/entertainment. She’s my favourite Zelda character of all-time. Her character representation and development is handled superbly for a video game, and, like you, I loved that I finally had a companion in a Zelda game that felt like a REAL PERSON as opposed to an annoying shadow following me around everywhere I went, telling me what to do every single fucking second. Navi really is the reason ‘Ocarina Of Time’ was a once-only/never-again gameplay experience for me. I completed it once 100% and never looked back because Navi was just that annoying. Fi in ‘Skyward Sword’ I didn’t mind so much as she stayed in the sword for most of the game and only emerged when I actually needed her help. Not before prompting me to summon her every time though. Midna however was an absolute joy to engage with, to have as a companion and to learn of her plight in the Twilight realm and understand her story. Why she is the way she is when we first meet her. Why she’s so mistrusting, manipulative and selfish. And how she goes from that to someone that actually sacrifices her own well being to keep Link safe and to help him save Zelda and Hyrule by extension. She’s just the shining example of how characterisation should be written in a video game because she didn’t feel like a sidekick, only there to aid us along in our endeavours. She felt like a friend. Someone to confide and take comfort in. And since you spoiled the endgame for her, - that is still one of the greatest character transformations I’ve ever seen in any art/entertainment medium whatsoever. So yeah, she’s the main factor as to why I love ‘Twilight Princess’ so much. The creators of the game actually made me care about what I should have regarded as another “Navi” in another Zelda game where the gameplay is majorly the same as the last game was in that the mechanics were just the same.
But other reasons were the maturity of the darker visual appearance (because I was one of those “ridiculous” people that didn’t like the graphics art style of ‘Wind Waker’, discounting it completely as a playable, let alone enjoyable, Zelda game because I was an idiot like that back then), a thoroughly engaging open-world exploration gameplay experience I had never really had before, and finally, like you also mentioned, I cared about the NPC’s throughout the entire game - especially those of Link’s hometown - which made me feel personally close to the character I was playing as for once. I’ve never felt that way before about Link. I mean he was still silent and about as charismatic as a cardboard box - just as he always was - but the dynamics changed. I related to and resonated with him like never before all because I felt a personal attachment to HIS people. That made all the damn difference.
You talked about how ‘Twilight Princess’ is a game you could only play once, feel fully immersed in and then it would go stale for you. You’d find yourself rushing to get through it. That was and will never be the way it is for me. I could go back to that game right now - start a whole new playthrough and find myself just as immersed in that world, in that lore and in those characters. Yes, nostalgia would be a factor as to why, but I just know that I’d completely enjoy playing it just as much as I did the first time I played it if not more.
#the legend of zelda#twilight princess#midna#link#gameplay#charactetization#character representation#character development#the zelda game nobody cares about#stank media#Youtube
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this is not the kind of thing i normally post but my pet peeve discourse is showing up on my dash from like five different places suddenly, so hopefully this is useful to somebody
‘pro/anti’ shipping discourse is never going to accomplish anything other than grandstanding because it inevitably returns to the ethics of creation, which, unless you have a way to prosecute thoughtcrime, is an impossible debate to actionably win. you will never be able to control what people create. i could write the most disturbing piece of fiction that has ever existed in a spiral notebook, close it, and set it on fire, and that will never impact anyone other than me. like, it could be the most horrifying shit about actual people, but they’re never going to read it. nobody will ever care. except hypothetical me, i guess. that’s a lot of writing just to make a point. and longhand, too, that shit starts to hurt after a while.
but if i did want to put that heinous rpf somewhere people could read it, i also couldn’t control how they’d respond to it. there would be an audience that would have a great time with it, because everything has an audience somewhere, but a lot of people either wouldn’t want to read it, or would want to know what they were getting into beforehand so they weren’t blindsided. the heinous rpf audience would know the mores of the genre, but as soon as my writing broke containment, people would probably think it was fucking weird. if i was just taping sheets of notebook paper to walls downtown, yes that should be legal because governments can’t even be trusted with the censorship laws they already have, but i would, independent of the law, be an asshole. that’s not because i made something, it’s because i put it in public where people couldn’t make a choice about engaging with it.
so the actual constructive conversation that isn’t as fun to yell/dox/make merch about is the ethics of publication - i made something that i realize not everyone will want to look at, for a variety of reasons that i can’t predict or unilaterally discount, so how, out of respect for everyone i share this fuck of an earth with, do i help people make informed decisions about whether or not to look at it?
does the dog die is like, the platonic ideal of this - warnings filtered by potential triggers, compiled by third parties, so that people like me with the peaty esdee can click the applicable link and know when to gird our mental loins. my personal trigger is common enough, both in people and in media, that the dog death crew made a category for it. not all triggers are so easy to anticipate. but if the internet has done anything, by god, we’ve made a thorough rundown of content that lots of people want to be warned about. people are still going to make that content, because human beings have been making that content since content started being made. and probably the day after the first oral historian came up with a creative way to explain lightning, the first oral history listener went oh, yikes, and gave their friend who was scared of storms a heads up while they made stone tools to get buried with.
the first thing they teach you in archives school is not the dewey decimal system (that’s the second thing), it’s that no one person can be the objective arbiter of what should exist and be preserved. if i were god, and my judgment was infallible, sure there’s some stuff i’d politely divine people out of posting. there are also a lot of people who feel that way about the handholdy gay pornography i write. those people think they’re exactly as right as i think i am. (i am of course more right than those people specifically, but they don’t know that.) i wouldn’t want to give the reins to one of those people, and they wouldn’t want to give the reins to me. there are a lot of things i think most of us can come to a consensus on, but there is, unfortunately, no one human being whose awareness of all right and wrong completely overrides everyone else’s.
i absolutely do make choices about who i personally and professionally fuck with based on the content they make, and whether or not it falls under the ‘this is disturbing to me’ umbrella! i’m pretty sure everybody does that. for example, i think people who use the words proshipper and anti unironically are kind of embarrassing, and i step respectfully out of the room when they start doing it. but i wouldn’t, like, ban them from having their discourse time. i would ask them to maybe hang a sign on the door so i wouldn’t go into the room in the first place, though, out of common courtesy.
incidentally that’s a big part of what archivists do. the question that gets brought up a lot because it’s pretty cut and dry, and i’m so sorry i’m going here but it genuinely is a good example, is whether/how to preserve nazi propaganda - everybody agrees that we should probably keep it so we can figure out how nazis happened the first time, but if you just have a room full of nazi shit that you saved, you run the risk of making more nazis with it. so during accession, the archivist makes a sign that’s like ‘nazis are evil btw here’s why we have a bunch of their stuff anyway’ and they hang it on the door of the nazi room. doing that (or not doing that!) is a curatorial choice, and it’s a complicated one when things get less black-and-white than nazis being evil. it’s why we (ideally) have actual trained people doing those jobs.
i don’t agree with all of ao3’s curatorial choices tbh, but i understand why they make them the way they do, and i don’t know what i’d do differently in their extremely unique situation. but guys i promise people have been having this conversation about publication/archival practices for literally hundreds of years. it’s not specific to one website, or to fandom in general, and it’s not going to be solved in either of those places. the best thing we can do is what fandom has always been occasionally somewhat okay at doing, which is be normal to each other and figure out something that works for everybody. thoroughly tagging your own weird porn and using other people’s tags to avoid reading weird porn you won’t enjoy is a solid start. it would probably also help to stop turning this complicated topic that requires case-by-case examination into two opposing camps broadly applying the most polarized interpretations, but this is the internet, i can only ask for so much
#shipping discourse#is that the tag ppl block?#i recognize the irony of me making a post abt tagging and not knowing what to tag it
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