#be better try harder maybe ask an actual therapist
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A few notes:
I originally planned to have this one have a couple of povs like the first, but then u got carried away writing feral Danny so, just Tim today.
I hope to get the next one out sometime this weekend cause it's harder to write when I have work.
Also, everyone thank @cursedzucchini for writing the comment that gave me the executive function to take these words out of my brain and put them in my phone. Reading that there was someone out there checking the tag for updates every day really motivated me.
Now, without further ado
Chapter 1
A King in Arkham
Chapter 2
Tim sighs, rubbing his temples and attempting to will away the sleep deprivation headache currently pounding on the inside of his skull. Pushing 80 hours awake, the last 38 of which have been spent combing backwards through any and all Arkham documents pertaining to one Daniel James Fenton.
He moved his hands away from his head, placing them on the fresh cup of coffee that had materialized while he was massaging, giving a cursory "Thanks" the retreating body. Normally, Alfred would have cut Tim off from caffeine yesterday. But it seems even the old butler was keen on something being found to justify pulling the kid out of Arkham.
Or maybe that was Jason fueling Tim's addiction. Man had been hovering since Batman called him back at the last break out. At least Dick had been able to reason better with the most volatile of the Wayne siblings.
"Picking him up and running won't do either of you any favors, Little Wing. It'll just put him and Hood on wanted posters. If you want him to have any shot at a life out here, you gotta let Bruce take it through the proper channels."
That had at least prevented Jason from snapping on anyone immediately, though he had seen fit to warn everyone that of they didn't have something by the next break out, he'd be doing it his way.
Which is why Tim had spent the last day and a half poring over every medical record, therapy session, schedule, action report, and discipline slip Arkham had on file that even mentioned Patient 26B.
Meanwhile, Oracle had her hands full trying to find any background information on the young ward. A task which itself was proving challenging because the place the kid came from seemed to have no digital presence at all. None. Not a Facebook or Twitter or MySpace pinging from the area. Not an email address or YouTube account. Not a single god damned website. Not even a .gov! Hell, the only reason they knew the city's name is because it was listed in the CPS paperwork from Chicago.
In other places, small towns and communities in the middle of nowhere, this wouldn't really raise any red flags. But Amity Park was not actually a nowhere town. It certainly wasn't a Gotham or Metropolis. But it was big enough to have formed a conurbation with the nearby city of Elmerton. Which had a perfectly normal digital presence. So Amity Park's lack of digital presence screamed Communications Blackout. A frighteningly strong one to still be giving Oracle the run around almost 2 days later.
Once Tim was finished reviewing Arkham reports, then the 3 weeks of documents from Daniel's stay in Chicago, he'd probably offer to help her. Though she might tell him to go the fuck to sleep instead.
For now. Tim was nearing the beginning of the kid's Arkham stay and; on top of not yet finding any clues as to why the kid was in Arkham, nor anything that could possibly exonerate him; the kid just made no damn sense!
His therapy sessions were all the same dead end.
The therapist would ask he he was feeling. The kid would apparently shrug, or sometimes mumble something the therapists could never quite catch.
They'd ask the standard suicide questions. "Any thoughts of wishing you could go to sleep and not wake up?"
A shrug.
"Any thoughts of wanting to take your own life or wishing someone would take it for you?"
Vehenement refusal bordering on a panic attack.
Move on to the hurting people questions.
"Any thoughts of wanting to harm other people?"
"No." According to the doctors, his tone here is immediate, calm, confident. Truthful. If the Arkham psyches are to be believed.
"Any thoughts of wanting to harm yourself?"
"No." Slower, quieter, meeker. Noted as a clear lie, citing the injuries as evidence.
"Then why do you, Danny?"
"I don't."
"Then where did your injuries come from."
"The ghosts," said with a sigh
At this point, it seems Daniel shuts down. He says nothing else for the rest of the session. Shows no outward response as the therapist tries to convince him there are no ghosts and Daniel must be giving himself those injuries.
2 and a half months. Daily therapy sessions. And every single one is the exact same script. The only differences are some minor notes as Daniel is passed around between therapists as they all inevitably get frustrated talking to the emotionless block of ice.
Outside of the therapy sessions and medical reports documenting the frankly horrifying amount of injuries Danny accumulates, there's not much in his file. He follows all instructions to the letter; never causes trouble for guards or other inmates; and every single locks malfunction, he has afterward been found lying on his bed in his cell staring at the ceiling. If he was somewhere else when the malfunction happened, security footage catches him walking there himself. If he was already in his cell, footage keeps him there the whole time.
Tim sighs again, clicking out of the medical report detailing the nasty bruise that had appeared on the kid's lower left back, then opens up the next file up without reading the name fully expecting it to be another tedious therapy session report.
Instead, he finds a discipline slip with the relevant security clip embedded at the top. The first frame is of the cafeteria. Daniel is sitting alone at a table in the top right. Tim's breath catches in his throat as he recognizes the demented clown in the center of the frame. Hastily, he plays the clip.
There is no sound but Joker appears to say something to the room. Daniel is suddenly standing, whipped around to face the clown. The Joker turns towards him. Daniel tenses. The Joker tenses.
In the next second, Daniel is on the Joker. He's kicking, scratching, biting. Absolutely feral as he just reigns fury upon the most feared and hated rogue in all of Gotham. Surrounding inmates are fleeing to the sides of the room as the Joker seemingly tries to get away from the kid, only succeeding in moving the "fight" around the room. It's hardly a fight. More like a vicious, brutal assault. Inmates cheer as blood appears on the floor. Guards move in, pulling the feral 15 year old off of the Joker; who stays down, potentially unconscious. 2 guards go to help the one currently attempting to restrain Daniel. 6 more converge on the Joker, blocking him from view. As soon as he can no longer see the Joker, Daniel seems to go limp in the guards hands. Then he tenses again, though not struggling. Tim just catches the beginning stages of what seems to be a panic attack before the clip ends.
Tim stares dumbfounded at the screen for several moments. When he snaps out of it enough to actually read the incident report, it is a basic transcription of what Tim just witnessed with confirmation that Daniel had a panic attack immediately after. The report also notes that other than the panic attack, Daniel seemed to sustain no harm. He was disciplined with 3 days without cafeteria privileges, so his meals were brought to his cell, and 3 days without Crafts room privileges.
A note at the bottom of the report reads "To prevent further incidents, Patient 26B and the Joker are no longer permitted to be in the same room or yard."
This makes Tim click out of the discipline slip -without closing it, just moving it to a different section of the batcomputer's massive screen- and scan the rest of the files. There are 2 more. One from a week prior and one from Daniel's first dat at Arkham. He opens both, placing them at points on the screen so that all 3 are visible.
The one from the week prior shows the Crafts Room. Danny is again in an upper corner. Time plays it. The door opens. Joker walks in. Seems to look at Daniel, then rushes him. Daniel looks up before the Joker makes it half way across the room, then in the next second meets him there. Another feral fight only broken up by the guards when the Joker stops moving. Again, Danny goes limp as soon as the Joker is out of sight. The rest of the report confirming a panic attack but no injuries. 2 days lost privileges.
The report from Daniel's first day again shows the cafeteria. This time, Daniel is center frame. Joker comes up behind him. Daniel tenses but doesn't turn yet. Joker seems to be saying g something, then laughs. Daniel hunches in on himself, seeming to mumble a response. Whatever he said makes the Joker laugh harder. Then he leans down over Daniel's shoulder, talking. Daniel seems frozen for not even half a second before he suddenly pushes himself out of his seat, straight in to the Joker, twisting as he goes to begin the attack. Since it's obviously the first time, the rest of the cafeteria freezes. No one reacts for a solid 6 seconds. Then guards are moving in, hauling the teenager away. The Joker stands unsteadily then takes a knee. He has to be led limping out of the room. Guards struggle to restrain Daniel until the Joker is gone, whereafter Daniel goes boneless, then begins panicking. Report confirms panic attack and no injuries. 1 day lost privileges.
Tim stares at the batcomputer for several minutes, trying very hard to process what he has just learned. His brain feels like soup. He rubs his eyes, looks at his coffee, grabs a comm to put in his ear. His voice is strained as he speaks.
Anyone nearby who can come to the cave for a minute?
Jason responds instantly.
Upstairs. Find something?
I don't... know. I just. Someone come confirm I didn't just hallucinate what I just watched and read.
Red Robin? What did you find?
Not saying until someone else can confirm it.
Red Robin
On my way down.
.
"What the actual fuck?"
#Tagslist will go in a reblog cause there are#a lot#Dp x DC#A King in Arkham#I'm sure everyone wants to see Red Hood swoop in#And whisk Danny away#I promise we'll get there soon#Next chapter if I don't get careies away again#But for now#I simply could not resist giving Danny clown trauma and making him feral about it#Enjoy!#Mentions of suicide#Mentions of self harm
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How’s everyone doing? I’ll go first, I’m bad!
I have been ~*~struggling~*~ since mid-September and in the last two weeks it has just gotten unbearable. I feel like I’m drowning all the time. I’m having trouble keeping up with and reaching out to people I want to talk to. And that’s like, on top of always having been bad at getting back to people. *stares forlornly at the ask Chaz sent me like, literally two years ago that I think about daily but just. haven’t. RESPONDED TO.*
Things are just. Closing in on all sides unfortunately. I’ve been sick several times. I bounced this month’s rent check. A thing I had NEVER DONE BEFORE IN MY LIFE before this last move. My job is literally never going to pay me what I’m worth. Or anyone what they’re worth, frankly. I broke down in front of my boss the other day and just sobbed for an hour because after I pay my bills every paycheck I have just enough left over to buy groceries for two weeks, if I’m careful, and little else. Which means I’m putting stuff like gas on credit cards, which isn’t helping the debt that makes me feel like drowning in the first place. I’ve been at this job SEVENTEEN YEARS. A steady, corporate job. And I’ve never once in my entire time there made an actual cost of living raise!! The cost of living just keeps raising without me! (And also everyone else, I know!)
I’m super overdue on getting people the art they commissioned from me, but my brain just hasn’t been in a good enough place to create much of anything, and I keep thinking I have to get this done and then thinking they deserve better than this, around and around on a loop ad finitum. And there are a couple of other things going on personally that just fucking blow that I don’t know how to fix and I’m just gonna choke on it.
I haven’t done any fandom stuff since NYCC. I haven’t written on my WIP. I haven’t read fic. I don’t check in on the madness happening on twitter. I’ve barely popped my head into my favorite pirate group chat over the last five months or so. I miss doing all of that so much and my stupid brain is so broken that even when I try I can’t enjoy it.
Shit. I’m having a hard time getting work work done. I just sit down at my desk every day, answer emails, and then spend five or so hours frozen with anxiety because there’s too much to do and doing nothing is only making it worse every day.
I need to be back in therapy ASAP, but unfortunately you can’t eat therapy so I can’t pay for it!!
And I feel guilty saying any of this to almost everyone I would usually talk to. (Congrats and condolences to the rest of you!) Because they’re having a harder time than me. Or because they’d just want to give me a bit of money about it, which would fuck me up even more. Or because it’s just tedious and boring and no one wants to listen to me talk about this over and over again, even though it’s all my brain does every hour of every day. It’s a wonder I’m ever able to talk about anything else.
My boss is pretty great, in spite of it all. She’s constantly supportive (to the extent she can be), and she just. She tells me all the time how creative and wonderful and smart and cool to know I am. And every time I just like, tear up, because none of it feels true. But I also tear up when my friends and my partner say those things too. Because to me, a full grown adult without a savings or a 401K or the ability to like, go get drinks just because I want to, I feel like a complete and utter failure. So like. Whatever I guess!!
I need to find a new job that pays me way more. Then I can get a therapist to fix my brain and save money to pay down my debts and have money to have fun with my friends and not feel like a constant financial burden on everyone. Then I can have the brain power back to maybe work on my fic or complete that art or like, I don’t know, talk to the people who actively want to talk to me. You wouldn't think that part would be so hard, but it really, really is.
I’m working on it. I’ll keep working on it. I have LinkedIn open right now. I’m gonna fucking sob through it, but that doesn’t mean none of it will get done.
In the meantime, if anyone knows of a good way to make a quick $30 grand, I’m all ears.
#no one cares kl#it's an old-fashioned two am post#at four in the afternoon!#that's how bad things are!#all my shame units are being used so i don't have any to spare#on whether or not i should be messy in public!!!
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Fragments | Satoru Gojo x YN [TEASER]
“Wow.” Is all you can muster, but it riles him up enough. His energy is icy hot, running all over your skin as he buzzes through spots. You feel like throwing up by the time he’s taken you back to your room. You’re surprised you didn’t melt away and by the looks of it, Satoru is liking the fact you could handle him. You wonder if he’d share the same look if you were able to take his cock all the way. You’d clutch the sheets as he slowly pressed himself into your entrance, grinning like a fool when his hips snapped against your thighs. You’d be his pretty girl, a true match for him.
“YN?” Satoru is blinking down at you from where you sit on the bed. Your brows draw together in confusion. Your stomach had that conflicted mix of emotions again. Then again, maybe you just had to throw up.
“Your fucking teleportation messed up my brain.” You whack his arm, harder than you mean to. He tilts his head while you throw yourself back on the bed. The coolness of the sheets are a welcome change from the clammy mess he’d made you. He always had to put you through one thing or another.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He questions, sitting next to you.
“Don’t you have somewhere to be?” You grumble, shoving him to no avail. He was always pestering you. Asking for you to clarify the meaning of your words, wondering how you were feeling, if you had a good day or not. It made your stomach churn in an angry storm. He laughs softly leaning back against the wall.
“Probably, but I kind of just want to stay here.” He replies, studying the clothes you’d hung up to dry in the nice breeze. Your body cools as his words hit your brain. Which wasn’t working right. Damn it, you needed to get away from this fuck face. The only option was to push him away with your words. If that didn’t work you’d have to move onto the final card. Besides, getting some of your pent up frustration would probably feel good. Lord knows you’ve had years to think about what you’d say to him when you got the chance.
“So people can change?” You laugh dryly. Satoru sucks in a breath, picking up on your change in tone.
“Okay, obviously you want to talk about it. So let’s talk about it.” He sits up and you follow suit after a pause. Well, that worked a bit better than you’d originally thought it would.
“I’m only allowed to tell my therapist my feelings.” You shrug, moving to stand from the bed. Satoru stops you with a gentle hand reaching out for your hand.
“YN, I’m a dick.” He states. You roll your eyes. That and so much more.
“They say you are what you eat.” His serious look cracks into a smile then falls just as quickly. This whole conversation was making you feel gross.
“I missed you.” His words send a poisonous coil up your spine. You flip to look at him, a genuine scowl on your face. This asshole could send you hurling into a frenzy of confusion and then make you want to stab him about eighty-thousand times.
“But you saw me every month.” You snap in a faux sweet tone. His eyes widen and for a moment you want to stop. Stop all of it. You just wanted your best friend back. “Listen, I can’t do this right now Satoru.” Even his name feels foreign on your tongue.
“I thought you wanted to reconcile.” He whispers and it stings almost like an insult. You stand and nod your head in agreement.
“Oh I do, but it’s going to take me a while to get used to the big city again.” You shoot a look over your shoulder. “My life is still controlled by the clan and unlike you, I don’t get off when I disobey. I didn’t have a choice, at any point.” Your face twitches as your eyes well up. Fuck – this was getting to real for you. The aloof flip between just trying to get him to leave and actually having this conversation was tearing you up inside.
“Then…why are you here?” Fucking blue eyed freak. Your body feels hot and cold, both temperatures running up your nerves like pinpricks. Time for the last card.
“Want me to show you?” His brows are constantly drawn together around you. You don’t blame him, even you were perplexed on where this conversation had gone.
“What?” He sounds like he’s both asking a question and answering you. He scoots to the edge of the bed and you position yourself between his knees. His hands absentmindedly trail up the back of your thighs. The sensation of his fingertips on your bare skin make the world around you swirl. It could be the dizzy feeling or the way his hands felt against your skin, either way, you lean down to press your lips against his. His mouth moves against yours this time, wrapping his hands around the back of your knees. He pulls lightly to where you’re straddling him. With his mouth still connected to yours he shifts you back a bit more. You break for air, smothered by his presence again. “Fuck.” He hisses. He moves one of his hands to your ass, the other one playing with the dip of your hip.
“That tickles.” You say under a hitched breath while your eyes roll shut. Betrayed by your own body. By this point you should be used to those close to you betraying you. Satoru hums in content as his hand slips under your top.
“Like you fuckin’ care.” His long fingers slide against your skin, finding the soft material of your bra. You press your hips down, begging for friction against his thigh. “Slow down darlin’, enjoy the ride.”
Your eyes open suddenly and you place your hands on his chest. Don’t make it obvious. He’s looking at you expectantly. Waiting for you…willing to listen. Damn it.
“I need to go.” You blurt. His eyes widen as you scurry off of him and out of the room. Before his eyes can peer into your body, find the truth behind your words, you nearly jump off him. You scramble outside and bite down on your finger to hold in the scream. You weren’t ready for that, in no way were you ready to have Satoru touching your bare skin. Have his…burning hands all over your body, trancing the curves and dimples.
You definitely weren’t ready for it to feel that good. You weren’t supposed to like this. You cover your face and scream inside your hands. Fuck.
#smut fanfiction#smut#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen smut#jujutsu kaisen x reader#gojo#gojo satoru smut#gojo smut#gojo satoru headcanons#gojo saturo#gojou satoru x reader#gojo satoru#satoru gojo#satoru smut#jjk satoru#satorugojo#jujutsu satoru#jjk smut#jjk#jjk oneshot#jjk imagines#jujutsu kaisen satoru#jujustu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu gojo
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hey sorry if this is invasive but how do you know you have depression? things have been harder to cope with for the past month but i am incredibly ashamed of asking for help or even saying out loud because i feel dramatic, attention seeking etc. even realising how much it is affecting my life. do i really need to get it out to get better?
ive had it since i was a kid and my doctor has been aware of it since i was like 11 so it was just smth i grew up with - when im in a particularly bad episode i can tell because im extremely lethargic, unmotivated, don't look after myself, am prone to severe hopelessness and a sense of impending doom following me everywhere + self destruction, i drink more, i get paranoid, i dissociate and feel disconnected from the world around me and from my own body, im numb/sad most of the time, i have panic attacks and cant get out of bed even for things i would usually want to do, im very disorganised and have a flat affect/tone of voice, i don't interact with people much....honestly the list goes on LOL.
it's important to understand that depression manifests uniquely for everybody and if youve noticed a difference in your own behaviour/thinking patterns that is actively and consistently impacting your life negatively - then that is enough of an indicator that something is going on. it doesn't need to be any worse. if it's already difficult, then it's already difficult, and you deserve support with it. to some extent it's some normal to feel ashamed/afraid of reaching out - we're raised in a world that stigmatises mental illness and we've received that messaging for a long time. which makes it feel like the truth, but doesn't mean that it is actually true. i think the bottom line is that you need to treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend going through something like this. you wouldn't want them to cut themselves off from asking for help because they've bullied themselves into silence over what people might or might not think of them. if we want to live in a world that truly supports people with mental health issues in an effective way, then we need to hold ourselves to that same standard. i know it's incredibly overwhelming, and im not saying it's wrong to be anxious or scared about reaching out. i just think actively trying to frame it from a more objective mindset could help you accept what is happening and what the right next step is for you. if you have the opportunity to talk to someone - a hotline, your doctor, a local support group or therapist, even a friend/family member to begin with - i really encourage it. even write down what you want to say or bullet point what's been going on so you don't feel like you're being put on the spot. im sure you're imagining all sorts of reactions, but in my experience, professionals are very accepting of what you're going through and just want to work with you to see how you can process and cope with your current mindset more healthily. whether it's medication, talking therapies, showing you new coping skills - there's a lot that can be done for someone in your shoes. you're not stuck and they're not going to judge you. even if, in some alternate reality, you just wanted some attention - that's not a crime. i think it's natural to want someone to witness and acknowledge us when we're hurting anyway. sorry to ramble - there are a lot of depression self help and coping pdfs that are free and available to download online which offer a bit of support. maybe that could be a good stepping stone if you're feeling super uncomfortable with the idea of talking to someone. we all work on our own timeline and thats honestly ok. but if you're looking for truly personalised and effective help then i think working towards talking to someone is your best option. it's okay to not be happy about that and still do it, like swallowing a medicine that tastes gross. otherwise the thoughts just rot inside you and you get lost in a spiral of depressive thinking patterns and it weighs you down having to manage it all alone inside your head. you become at risk of losing all objectivity and sense of self, which happens to me often and is fucking horrible. if it's possible, i really hope you eventually bring this up to a loved one or a professional. im really sorry you're going through this and i truly hope better days are ahead. sending a lot of love. X
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2023 IN REVIEW
So, the most important thing that happened this year is I got married. My wife likes to dress me up in extravagant outfits and draw me little cartoons. I am more content as a human being than I ever have been.
This doesn't mean my brain problems have gone away. If anything, the good stuff I have now has thrown the bad stuff into sharper relief, internally and externally. It's harder to ignore depression and anxiety when you're not by yourself. When the people around you aren't actively contributing to your agita and there are no more ambitions you got which remain unfulfilled (apart from the silly ones like being so rich you never have to work again) it kind of highlights how, y'know, the call is coming from inside the house, where the house is my body, and the gremlin living in the attic is my brain.
I am feeling less and less apt to tolerate bullshit. Maybe less willing, maybe less capable. This has unfortunately coincided with a significant uptick in bullshit in the outside world, as we continue our transition to an overtly scam-based economy and our sensible centrist president continues to fund genocide overseas. There don't seem to be any good guys left. I find myself unable to shrug and say that it is what it is with quite the same nonchalance as before. Maybe it's a product of getting old.
Oldness may also contribute to the fact that I no longer seem to be interested in listening to new music. My track of the year is 4Lung's "Sarab&e", which is a cancelled furry rapping anemically over a Satie sample - you gotta really kick me in the shins to get my attention these days. On the other side I find myself listening to a lot of jazz on the radio. Did you know Orville Johnson (that's right, of https://orvillejohnson.com/ ) put out a dobro-led cover of Gravy Waltz? And it's pay what you want on Bandcamp? Maybe there are some good guys.
In sum I don't care what band that sounds like one band but also another band came out with their music album anymore. Boards of Canada already solved music and that's fine.
Comics are still good. Gray Folie's "Idletry" continues to be completely fascinating. There seems to be an endless supply of good artists on Tumblr just making stuff and putting it out there for me to look at. Thank you to all of them. Also I hear a new zine from my favorite might be dropping soon - stay tuned for more on that.
All I read is contemporary SF for the podcast and that's also fine. Most of it. Apparently the new thing is books about raising autistic children or being raised by autistic parents or both, and that certainly works for me. My favorite book of the year is not about that, though, and instead asks what if the founder of the Ming dynasty was actually an ace AFAB transmasc with ADHD. It manages to achieve grand tragedy with this concept, particularly if you ignore the ending. (Also you have to read the first book first or it won't make any sense.)
My goal for the new year is that I manage to get the energy together to find a therapist or change my meds up or whatever. Things are good but they could be better, might as well try. I would also kind of like to move back to the east coast but we'll see. Maybe get a cat.
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Ok prompt: Lee!Hunter, Ler!Darius: Darius training Hunter maybe with abominations and such to distract him with tickles?
Tickly Training
a/n I watched the new Owl house episode and it made me sad so I wrote this lol. I hope it's good! This is like 1000+ words. Warning Major fluff ahead like cavity-inducing fluff. you have been warned.
It was a beautiful sunny day in Bonesborough, with no signs of boiling rain. Kids were playing outside, and young witches were training. One young witch in particle had finally gotten his guardian(dad). Hunter had been begging Darius to train him since he started living with the abomination head. At first, Darius just wanted Hunter to relax from all the crazy stuff that had happened over the past month or so, but Hunter was persistent. He always brought up how he needed to learn what his new magic could do. A good agreement, but Darius was stubborn and made hunter relax as much as he could. After asking and asking Darius finally agreed with a tired but playful smile. He was just happy Hunter was a lot happier and healthier, both physically and mentally.
“Alright Hunter, we aren’t going to be any type of hard training. We are just going to take it easy-”
“Darius I don’t want you to go easy on me! I won’t get better if you to challenge me! Plus I’ve had way worse done to me so you don’t need to worry!” Hunter flashed a smile, while somehow talking cheerfully about his dark past. Darius reminded himself that Hunter need to get him a therapist.
“I understand that little prince but- how do I put this. So think of today kinda like a stretch to get your body moving before we get to the heavier stuff. Today is just to ease you back in. Does that make sense?” Darius knows the blonde hates pity so he knew he had to put it in a way that it didn’t sound like pity.
“Oh I guess that’s smart,” Hunter responded once he understood that it was like stretching.
“All lets start with actual stretching to warm up.” Darius led Hunter through some simple stretches while maybe poking him in the belly and slightly tickling him, just to get him giggling. He thought Hunter’s giggles were brighter and more warm than the sun. He has worked hard to make sure his little prince(son) smiled more.
First thing they started with was simple dodging. Darius made some abominations to chase after and try to corner hunter. Hunter, in response, would teleport or easily dodge. It was easy for Hunter, Darius knew that but again easy stuff. But Hunter decided that he would take this to playfully be cocky to Darius. Darius loved the banter, because he knew that Hunter felt save to be able to do that.
“Wow this is so easy Darius, I though you were like this big tough coven head? Maybe your the one that needs training,” Hunter said with cockiness in his voice.
“Oh please blondie, if I wanted you I could take you down easily.”
“Nope you can’t! I’m to cool for you” Hunter knew that Darius totally could but it was fun to tease the older man.
“Little prince, we both know that you can barely handle getting tickled on your tummy. If your enemies knew that they could take you down from that, while cooing about how absolutely adorable you laughter and smile is,” Darius loved to point out that Hunter was extremely ticklish, a side effect of being incredible touched starved. Tickling was a way that they could bond and it encouraged Hunter to laugh and that it was ok to be a kid.
“Hey! Thats not true!” Hunter blushed furiously. Darius just chuckled. They go back and forth. Each time getting a little harder. At one point Darius decided to test if Hunter was still good at looking at his surroundings. He summoned a couple abmoninations infront of the boy, while putting one at the back. He and Hunter go back and forth teasing Hunter destorying the abominations. Then suddenly without warning Hunter is lifted and trapped in the arms of an abomination.
“What? Darius this is cheating,” Hunter started squriming. He never noticed that Darius summoned one behind him. He started frowning and feeling like he wasn’t as good as he used to be. Darius let him down from the abomination and walked up to him and put a hard on his shoulder.
“Don’t look sad and don’t worry about that I was just testing. It’s all about learning,” the dad sense could tell that Hunter was beating himself down.
“I used to be so good at surveying my surroundings! I was the golden guard for titan’s sake,” Hunter could feel himself getting frustrated. Darius but his hand under the boys chin and lifted his head gently making Hunter look at him.
“Hunter is okay not to be good at everything. You are learning that’s why we are training. To get better. So stop beating yourself up. You did great.”
“I didn’t though! You went easy on me! I should have been better.”
“I don’t like seeing you sad, so i think you should laugh.” Immediately Hunter knew what Darius meant, and he started to blush. He was now distracted from not being the best, he was now focused on the fact that Darius was getting closer with tickle claws.
“Darius, no I’m not sad anymore! No tick- um, none of those.” Hunter could feel the butterflies swarm his belly and giggles fill up him throat. Hunter started to move backward, Darius moving forward with a smirk.
“Oh I think you do need tickle little prince. I need to hear you laugh to prove to me that you aren’t even thinking about the thought that you aren’t [erfect and it bad.” Hunter decided that this would be a good time to turn the other direction and run. Of course Darius saw this coming, as Hunter tended to do this when the promise of tickles was made. So Darius summon an abomination to grab Hunter and bring him to Darius.”
“Darharhius nohoh, I don’t nehed them,” the closer Hunter got Darius the more he squirmed and giggles fly out of him. Before he knew it, Darius was right near him.
“Oh hello little prince,” that was all was said before Darius started tickling Hunter’s belly. His squirming had accidentally made his shirt his up, ‘bad’ for hunter great for Darius. As soon as Darius’s fingers touches Hunter’s tummy, all the giggles hunter was hiding flew out.
“Darhahrius nohohoh *snort*.”
“Awww there we go. There’s that adorable laugh filled with those snorts! See you not even thinking about earlier.” Darius moves his fingers between Hunter’s belly and his hips. Hunter was full on belly laughing and squirming furiously.
“Oh my, you are being a wiggle worm. Maybe I should start calling you giggle prince or wiggle prince.”
“Nohohoho nohoht thahat nihicknahame,”
“No? Okay I’ll stick with little prince just for you.”
Hunter’s face was getting redder and redder obviously flustered beyond belief. Hunter was feeling better and lighter completely forgetting about feeling sad. Tickling did really make him feel better, even if it was embarrassing and flustering.
Darius decided to end with a the most ticklish thing that was known to man. The dreaded raspberries. He took a large breathe and placed a giant ticklish raspberry on Hunter’s neck. Hunter’s laugh rises in octaves, so high Darius was actually surprised of how high it got.
“DHAHAHAHAD,” Hunter screeched, accidentally calling Darius, dad. After the massive rise in octave his laugh go silent and he fell limp completely tickled pink. Darius let hunter get the rest of his giggles out and when he was sure Hunter would fall over from phantom tickles, he had the abomination let him down.
“Now no more bad-mouthing yourself alright? Or I’ll do that again.” Darius said putting his arm around the blonde boy. Said blonde boy smiled and nodded. Neither mentioned the fatherly name that Hunter screeched out, but it warmed Darius’s heart to know that Hunter thought of him like that.
“Now let's go inside you need a shower,” Darius said ruffling his hair already messed-up hair. The two walked back to Darius’s house.
#ler!darius#lee!hunter#the owl house tword#the owl house tickle#toh tickles#tickle fic#tickles#tickle blog#the owl house#i'm sad so i wrote fluff
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Unavailable - Part 3 **
Y/N has been living with Harry for a bit and it's getting harder for them to control their feelings for each other.
READ PART 1 & PART 2 FIRST!
Warnings: Sex, oral (f receiving). Also, please keep in mind that in this AU at some point Harry was Y/N's therapist and this kind of relationship with a therapist is completely illegal and inappropriate and you should never try and hit on your therapist or stay with a therapist who hits on you (from a future therapist haha)! There's also a wee bit of angst if you squint real hard.
WC: 10.4K
It had been several months since Y/N had moved in with Harry and things had been great to put it simply. The very next day of her arrival they talked about how this arrangement would work and she assured him that she didn’t want to invade his home for a long time, but he let her know that he hoped she would take her time to get on her feet so that she would have some stability once she was able to leave his place. With that in mind she started job hunting for something that paid better. Thankfully she was able to find a better job that was closer to his place with better pay, better hours, and better benefits. It finally felt like things were going to start looking up and for once she started to consider that maybe life could be really good. The only crappy thing she had experiences while being at his place was spending the holidays alone. Y/N had tried to reach out to her mother on Thanksgiving and she never got a response and close to Christmas the manager from the bar she used to work at reached out to her because her “Uncle Chris” had come around several times asking for a forwarding address for her because her mother couldn’t get in touch with her. Y/N instructed them not to give him any information about her under any circumstance, but she knew it was just a ploy of his to get her to call him, she had blocked his number and filtered his email as spam, she was sure that he had tried getting in touch with her but she was far beyond being manipulated by his antics ever again.
The holidays were lonely and cold. She mostly slept on the actual days as she was not working and then got back to her schedule as soon as the festive days were done. Harry wouldn’t be coming back until the 8th so she would need to endure the solitude for a bit longer. This particular day seemed to be dragging on and as she briefly looked through TikTok on her break a great majority of the posts were about wellness or fitness and she took that as her sign to go to the gym after work.
She and Harry liked to take walks in the evenings but as soon as it started cooling down he would drag her to the gym with him instead - he even added her to his membership. And while he would go off and do his thing she would do her half-assed exercises before sitting in the sauna with him for a while. It was amusing to go to the gym with Harry; Y/N very quickly noticed that most of the girls at the gym would ogle him. He seemed to be everyone’s gym crush. She also started to notice that when these women would see him make his way towards her they would shoot her odd or jealous looks and she would always tell him and he’d make a full on show of grabbing her hand or hugging her close with a very mischievous smirk. It was a fun little game they played and she would definitely miss it at her session today.
Other than those playful interactions things had stayed extremely platonic between the two. There was obvious tension at times, but they never acted on it with each other at least. That had been her biggest concern with staying with him, but he was very respectful of her space which was so wonderful of him and she didn’t intend on getting tangled up with him while she healed from all the crap in her life. Sure, if they hooked up it seemed like an ideal situation for them if they wanted consistency, but that also meant that things could get complicated quickly and fall apart and she really didn’t want that to happen with him.
*************
Y/N was not feeling tired after her session at the gym today, if anything she felt more energized, maybe it was because she skipped out on the sauna, but she didn’t feel comfortable going in without Harry. It was always full of dudes who were less than discrete when they looked over her, but they were a lot less ballsy with Harry around. Either way, she was making her way past the reception desk when someone’s voice caught her attention.
“Hey, where’s your boyfriend?” She didn’t think it was directed towards her but then she heard more specificity, “I’m talking to you in the pink shirt!” The voice said and she stopped and turned around and was met with quite a handsome looking guy behind the desk who was offering her a smile.
“Are you talking to me?” She asked pointing to herself and he chuckled.
“Yes, I don’t see anyone else in a pink shirt.” He said with a friendly smile and she giggled.
“True.” She pointed out as she approached the desk.
“I was just wondering about your man because he usually comes in religiously and I haven’t seen either of you over the last few weeks.” He explained.
“Oh yeah, well just to clarify he’s not my man, which is why I didn’t respond to the boyfriend thing.” She informed with a flirty smile, “And he hasn’t come in because he went home to England for the holidays.” She explained and he hummed in understanding.
“And what’s your excuse?” He asked with a teasing grin and she narrowed her eyes playfully at him and then read over his name tag that said Aaron.
“Well Aaron, if you must know, I hate working out and my roommate bribes me with Chipotle for dinner if I join him.” Y/N explained and this made Aaron laugh and she giggled at his reaction.
“I see. So why did you come in today? Did you bribe yourself with Chipotle?” He teased with a smirk and she giggled.
“Actually, my TikTok feed was showing me fitness videos for like ten videos straight and I took it as a sign from the universe to not waste away my evening.” She confessed and he laughed again, she liked that he found her funny and he was cute and his laugh was also nice, it made her giggle along with him.
“You’re funny and I’m glad you decided to come in.” He said flirtatiously but in a very subtle way and she smiled and nodded.
“Thank you, me too.”
“Well maybe I’ll see you around if you come in again, this time is usually towards the end of my shift.” He informed her and she bit her lip to suppress her smile and nodded.
“Yeah, maybe.” She said as she started to step back to leave.
“What’s your name?” He asked her before she turned around fully to head out.
“Y/N.” She disclosed and he smiled.
“Very cute, it suits you.” He flirted and she grinned.
“Thank you, Aaron.” She responded and he grinned.
“I’ll see you around. Have a good night.”
“You too!” She smiled and then turned around and left.
She felt a bit giddy at this guy’s attention towards her even more so when she realized that he was probably the most age-appropriate man she had flirted with in a really long time, her one hit wonder with Harry didn’t count because it should never have happened; in fact she was kind of grateful for the way things went down with Harry because it felt like the proper goodbye to her old and fucked up ways, it was quite poetic really. And as hot and attractive as she continued to find him, getting involved with him now was just not a good call and now she was even able to flirt with other guys. She could just feel it in her bones that things were about to take turn for the better, this was going to be her year.
Regardless of her slight disdain towards exercising and gyms she found herself stepping into the gym at the 7:30pm hour. When she came up to the front desk to sign in she was slightly disappointed that Aaron was not there and she just went on to the elliptical to warm up; the after work crowd was starting to leave, freeing up sufficient equipment for her to take her time and she did and was even glancing around for the first 20 minutes of her time there before giving up on finding Aaron. She was just finishing up her last few reps on the assisted crunches machine and when she leaned back she was peering up to a smiling Aaron and she giggled as she sat herself up through some laughter as he came over to the side of the specialized bench.
“Two days in a row, huh?” He grinned and she shrugged, “Were you bombarded with another blatant sign from the universe?” He teased and she giggled.
“Yeah, something like that.” She responded with a smile.
“What are you doing on this thing the incline is awful? Did you need someone to hold your feet?” He asked with a smile.
“No, I can do a sit up just fine, but the floor is too hard, even with the mats and it makes my tailbone hurt.” She explained, “So I opt for this thing.” She said and he hummed.
“Are you almost done?” He asked and she nodded.
“Just a 10 minute cool down after this last set.”
“Well, would you maybe want to grab a drink at Jamba Juice just a few doors down? My treat?” He asked hopefully and she nibbled on her lip.
“Alright.” She agreed.
“Cool. I’ll meet you up front when you’re done?” He asked and she nodded, “Perfect.” Aaron smiled and soon headed off.
Y/N was actually quite happy as she chatted and joked around with Aaron as they drank their smoothies. She was having a nice time, hearing about his endeavors outside of work and sharing her own hopes and dreams. They exchanged numbers and it was nearly 9:30pm when she started driving home. Y/N was quite distracted thinking about Aaron and his flirtations and his stories and when she keyed her way into the house she screamed as she stubbed her toe on something and then proceeded to trip over it before landing on the ground with a groan. She didn’t recall leaving anything out of place and was shocked when suddenly the lights came on and she was met with a frowning and just woken up Harry.
“What’re you doing here?” She asked as she sat up and he came over slowly.
“Fuck, are you alright?” He asked instead, crouching down to her and she nodded.
“S’just my toe.” She assured him.
“I didn’t think they were too in the way.” He said of his two suitcases.
“It’s alright. When did you get in?”
“Around 7:30. Where’ve you been? Did you work late?” He asked as he helped her stand.
“I was at the gym.” She said and he looked quite shocked at this and she rolled her eyes.
“There were signs I couldn’t ignore.” She mumbled and he smiled, “Welcome back. I’m sorry I woke you.” She apologized and he shook his head.
“It’s fine. I was only asleep like twenty minutes.” He assured her.
“Why’d you come back early?” She asked and he sighed.
“I’ve got an old patient coming back in a couple days. If we have readmits the same clinician should work with them if they’re still there.” He explained and she nodded in understanding, “Gotta prepare for his intake and all that.” He said and Y/N nodded again, recalling her own intake with Harry and feeling weird about it for a second before letting it go.
“OK, well again, welcome back. I’m happy you’re home, I’ve been bored.” She said as she leaned in to hug him and he hugged her back and held her for a few more seconds that just a quick hug hello.
“You were bored…well I missed you.” He said emphatically, “Like I actually did miss you.” He said to her before letting go and she grinned at him.
“Did you now?”
“Yeah, I thought my sister would be as annoying but turns out you’re far more annoying and it’s irreplaceable.” He teased and she rolled her eyes before reaching out to play punch him in the gut, but he caught her hand and stopped it, “I also brought you some stuff back for you to try. Junk, since I know you like that.” He smiled and she laughed softly.
“You’re so considerate.” She said.
“I know.” he hummed smugly before letting her hand go, “Now, I’m gonna get back to bed.”
“You do that, old man.” She teased and he rolled his eyes before heading back towards his room.
Y/N felt really happy that he was back in town, it was true that she was bored without him. Harry always pushed her to try new things and to get out of her comfort zone and she liked that about him. She would fall into this purposeless routine when she was all alone and it was so exhausting and unproductive, so she knew that things would be picking up again in no time.
***********
Harry was due for a long day, he was out of the house shortly after Y/N who left for her shift at the hotel at 6:30am. He had to read this his old client, John’s file again. It had been about two years since his last stint bat New Beginnings. Harry always hoped that his patients would follow his recommendations and choose to use the information and insight he gave them to make better choices for themselves, like Y/N. But Y/N seemed to be an exception to a lot of things.
As soon as she popped into his brain, working on anything else was moot and that seemed to be a pattern for Harry. Since they met she had piqued his interest. He hadn’t ever fully planned on sleeping with Y/N, it had lived in his brain for a long while, but when it finally happened she seemed to be seared in his mind forever after. He couldn’t stop thinking about Y/N; he couldn’t help but worry for her wellbeing, he wanted to call, he wanted to hear her voice, to see her, to hold her. He was so drawn to her and having her around was making him feel happier than he had been in a while.
When he told her the night before that he missed her, Harry hadn’t been lying. He had talked to his mom about Y/N a few times, well about her situation and how he was helping her out. And being with his family, there were moments where he would glance to the side to laugh with her and she wasn’t there and that scared him. Especially when she tried calling him for Christmas, it wasn’t Christmas for him anymore so he wasn’t busy, but it made him feel some kind of way. He felt a bit guilty for not being there with her since he knew that the holidays were really the only times when her mother would make an effort to have things go well between them. He knew how to talk himself down from feeling weird about her wanting to talk and before he could get too far in his head about what she wanted to say, she had texted saying that she didn’t mean to interrupt, she just wanted to wish him and his family a great Christmas and that’s when he came to terms with how much he missed her.
Harry could picture Y/N curled up in bed, too lazy to move until he’d come in and beg her to have a late breakfast with him; if he begged enough she would give in and make him her famous pancakes. He could picture her making pancakes while he made them an exceptional cup of coffee before they curled up on the couch to watch Christmas movies all day.
Harry smiled as he remembered his thoughts over the holidays. Yeah he was sad that his time with his family got cut short by a day or two, but duty calls and his physical house felt a lot more like a home with Y/N around. He got a bit distracted with all that, but he soon put his head down and got to work.
***********
Y/N was on her break and just heating up her lunch in the staff room when her phone started ringing and she hurried to answer it when she saw it was Harry.
“Hello!” She chirped happily and Harry smiled at hearing her voice after dedicating a lot of his time thinking about her.
“Hey. Are you up for the gym today or should we skip it?” He asked.
“I’m up for it.” She responded with a small smile.
“Who are you and what’ve you done with my Y/N?” He asked and she bit her lip to suppress her smile as his words processed. He had said “his Y/N”, hadn’t he? It made a swarm of butterflies flutter through her tummy as she stammered a couple times trying to come up with a response.
“I-it’s me. I j-just I don’t know. I’m not gonna fu-fuss as much as before, you know?” She said and he grinned. He felt quite pleased with himself that he had flustered her.
“Won’t need to coerce you into it with Chipotle anymore?” He teased and she giggled.
“I never said that.” She responded with a grin as well and he chuckled.
“That’s true…” he smirked, “So gym and then chipotle.” He confirmed.
“Yeah, sounds great.” She responded, “I’ll catch you later, OK?”
“Perfect, see you at home.” He said and hung up.
***********
Y/N and Harry got changed rather fast before heading off to the gym. Harry hadn’t missed how put together she looked today. Usually she wore a baggy old t-shirt with leggings or bike shorts, but today her set matched and he didn’t say anything about it, but he did check her out and he couldn’t help but smile thinking about her possibly wanting to look nice for him. They were making their way to the entrance when she stopped suddenly.
“What’s wrong?” He asked and she shook her head.
“Forgot my AirPods in your cup holder, can I have your keys?”
“Yeah, here.” He said reaching into the pocket of his tote, “I’ll wait for you here.” He smiled.
“Oh, no it’s OK you can head inside.” She said and rushed off to the car and despite her telling him to go ahead he waited outside of the door for her until she was back and she looked a little skittish.
“You alright?” He asked with slight concern and she nodded.
“Yeah. It’s cold, lets ummm, get inside.” She said and he opened up the door for her and they headed inside. As soon as they walked inside Harry noticed the guy working at the desk looking over Y/N and it made him feel a bit protective.
“Nice fit.” He said as they walked up to the counter to sign in. Harry opened his mouth about to check this guy and he stayed quiet when he heard Y/N speak up.
“Oh thanks, Aaron.” She smiled timidly at the guy and as he looked at her he could’ve sworn that she was blushing.
“And the roomie’s back!” He said with a friendly smile and Y/N nodded before looking to Harry who was looking a bit perplexed, “Welcome back!” Aaron said to Harry, who just nodded as he looked over this young fit guy.
“Ummm thanks.”
“Yeah, of course! Alright, you guys can go ahead and scan in now.” He said and they both scanned the barcode on their phones before heading further past the desk.
“Are you gonna start with a jog today?” Harry asked Y/N who hadn’t answered and when he glanced to his side she wasn’t there, but he did see her leaning on the counter chatting with Aaron and he felt his stomach start to knot up in a sickening way. He felt a lump forming in his throat as she smiled at whatever he was saying to her, very clearly flirting with her and she was flirting back. He sighed and headed into the locker room with a huff before putting his things away and heading out to one of the treadmills and she was still there. He started his music and started to run, trying to keep whatever was going on there out of his mind and he sort of blacked out after that. He was completely lost in his head, he was thinking so many things and he wasn’t sure what was going on around him, just how he wanted until he felt some taps on his shoulder and he popped his earphone out and hopping his feet off to the sides of the treadmill and glancing over to see Y/N there.
“What’s up?” He asked and she shook her head.
“Nothing, I was just wondering if you’re going to be doing anything else? You’ve been running for twenty minutes.” She informed and he felt a bit shocked as she relayed this information.
“Ummm, not today. The plane ride was bad on bad on my back, don’t want to overwork it, just gonna do cardio.” He said lowly and she nodded.
“OK, I’m gonna go to the leg machines, OK?” She informed, “Just over there.” She said pointing to the area and he looked over and saw Aaron, the guy from the front desk, wiping down machines nearby and again, he felt his heart crumble up in his chest but he nodded.
“Yeah, fine.” He said curtly and popped his AirPod back in before she could say anything else.
Y/N was feeling perplexed at Harry’s attitude, he had seemed fine…well now that she thought of it he had been a bit quiet since he came home. Maybe he’d had a bad day, she knew that he would be working with a previous patient, maybe it had been hard on him, that case. And as she walked over to the machines she wondered if maybe it was someone he had been with, the way he had been with her. She quickly shook herself from thinking that and got on the machine, doing very light weight as she and Aaron chatted as he cleaned around the area she was at.
“I was wondering if you wanted to go grab food after this?” He ended up asking and she nibbled on her lip as she nodded.
“Yeah, sure. I came with Harry though-”
“I can drop you off at home after.” He said and she nodded.
“Yeah, alright.” She agreed, “Let me go have a quick chat with Harry. I think he had a bit of a day at work.” She explained and Aaron frowned.
“Oh.” He said and she nodded.
“Yeah, might be good for him to have a bit of space. I can be a bit much at times.” She said and he frowned.
“Has he said that to you?” Aaron asked in slight offense and her eyes went wide and she shook her head.
“Oh no, never!” She assured, “Just some ummm…something I’ve heard before. I guess, I just assumed he’d think the same thing.” She shrugged, suddenly feeling so embarrassed for unknowingly revealing how damaged she still was deep down.
“I was about to say, you shouldn’t be living with someone who talks to you like that.” He explained and she giggled as she thought about how that had literally been her entire life up until she was living with Harry, “I’m no expert or anything but he might need you. You’re friends, sometimes we need friends on bad days and sometimes we need space. If it’s one of those ‘need a friend’ kind of day then we can do dinner another day.” He assured and Y/N smiled.
“That’s sweet of you, thanks. I’ll go check on him.” She said and went off. Harry had been watching this entire exchange as they spoke and it made his stomach twist and ache with jealousy. It was hard to watch and when she started coming over towards him he knew that it wasn’t just to see if he was done. He pulled out his earphones as she walked up to him. “You alright?” She asked him with a small frown and he nodded quickly.
“It was just a long day.” He said and she nodded in understanding.
“I can see that.” She said and he sighed, “Well ummm, I-if you’re tired Aaron asked me if I wanted to grab dinner with him?” She asked and he felt his heart sink, “Said he could drop me off at home afterwards.”
“Oh ummm…yeah, that’s fine.” He said lowly.
“If you don’t feel like being alone I can totally tell him tonight’s not a good night.” She said and he shook his head.
“I’m fine.” He assured and she looked in his eyes for a few moments.
“OK, I’ll tell him another night.” She said and walked off and he ran after her. He didn’t want to ruin her plans because he had no idea what he would say when she asked about his day because it had been an absolutely peach of a day until he saw her flirting back with this gym guy. Harry had seen him before and he was always nice, but this was something else - it wasn’t very professional of him.
“Wait, no Y/N!” He hurried after her, “Please go eat with your… friend.” He said stiffly.
“Harry, you’re my friend too and if you need me to be with you tonight-” she said and then shook her head when he giggled a bit, “You know what I meant.” She said pointedly, “I care about you and I want to be there for you if you want that.” She said and he bit his lip, “We can get the Chipotle to go? And we can even get frozen yogurt.” She suggested with a small smile.
“Share one?” He asked and she nodded.
“Yeah, on me. Both the food and dessert.” She added in and he finally smiled and it made her heart feel all full and happy again.
“Yeah, alright.” He hummed, trying not to give away how happy he felt right now.
“Are you done then?”
“Yeah, I’m done for today.” He said and she nodded.
“OK, I’ll go let Aaron know.” She assured and hurried off. He watched from afar as she broke the news to him and he didn’t seem let down in the slightest. He just nodded with a smile and they hugged for a few moments before he also waved at Harry from afar who just nodded quickly before Y/N was back at his side and they were heading to the locker rooms to grab their things before heading off.
When they got home they both settled onto the ground in front of the couch and Harry put on a film, What a Girl Wants actually, per Y/N’s request and he honored it since she had paid for dinner and dessert. They ate while watching the film, but when she got up to throw away their bowls and grab the fro-yo container from the freezer he knew that she’d be back with questions.
“Here you are.” She said as she handed him the spoon and then scooted into the spot on the rug beside him before opening it up and letting him have the first scoop of it and then she went for a scoop.
“Can never go wrong with plain tart.” He hummed and she smiled and nodded in agreement.
“So do you want to talk about what happened today?” She asked and he sighed, “I know you can’t like…go into details but ummm, I can just listen.” She said and he sighed. He wanted to sort of get this off his chest but he needed to be vague and not make her suspicious of what he had been feeling since she clearly was interested in someone else now.
“It wasn’t all that bad, I just got in my head.” He said and she nodded in understanding, “Like sometimes being a therapist is really hard because there are just some patients that sort of…worm their way into your heart.” He explained and as he said this she felt a little pinch of jealously in her chest but nodded regardless in understanding.
“Yeah, I can see how that can happen.”
“Yeah and it’s hard sometimes to cope with those feelings. When you’ve crossed that line sometimes it’s hard to not cross it again.” He said and she swallowed thickly and nodded.
“So this patient…you’ve ummm…” she trailed off and looked down at her lap and he frowned as he understood what she was trying to ask. He quickly set down the fro-yo container and turned to her.
“No.” He said lowly but emphatically, “Hey,” he said as he grabbed her face gently, upturning it towards him, “I’ve never done that before. W-what happened between us was a one time thing a-and I never thought I would do that and I’ve never even thought of doing that again and it never should’ve even happened. It was wrong and-” he paused as he saw the look in her eyes of embarrassment and concern, “That’s not…fuck, I don’t regret it! I enjoyed it, a lot! But I do wish it had been under…other circumstances. Not that you would even want that or me, but if we had met somewhere else or-”
“I get it, Harry.” She interrupted with a small smile and he sighed in relief.
“Good. I’ve never slept with another patient, I swear.” He said again.
“Geez. I don’t know if I should be proud or ashamed of being the person who led you to tarnishing your impeccable professional integrity.” She mumbled and he chuckled and reached for her hand.
“It wasn’t your fault. Not in the slightest.” He shook his head, “I wanted you. Badly. I was selfish and I wasn’t thinking about you or your wellbeing in that moment and I suppose\ that’s why I feel it was wrong. Sometimes I wonder if I…took advantage of your trust in me and I…hate that.” He frowned and she shook her head and squeezed his hand that was holding hers.
“You didn’t. I wanted you too, from the very start I was attracted to you and I toyed around with the idea the first couple days, but I ummm…I wanted to actually put effort into working on myself and my issues and I decided that for once focusing on a guy and getting him to like me wasn’t the priority.” She explained and he nodded along, “I ummm…I was shocked when even after getting to hear all of the fucked up-ness that I came with you still…wanted me.” She said, “And that’s why I ummm…let it happen. I knew you would’ve stopped if I properly asked and I ummm, didn’t want to, so you’re fine.” She assured.
“Well it’s good to know I didn’t make you feel pressured or something.” He said and she smiled.
“So, this patient…?” She asked and well, the patient he had been talking about this entire time was her, but he supposed he should talk about the patient she thought he was talking about from the start, John.
“Well, like I said the other day, they’ve been in and out a few times and I just get a little too invested. Could’ve sworn we had a breakthrough when he was last in and I kinda hoped it was the last time I’d see him there.” He explained, “Makes me feel like maybe I’m not doing a good job, but then again I realize that we make our choices ourselves and there’s people like him who can’t help themselves but stick to what they know and then there’s people like you who don’t want stay stuck in what they know so they just…take it all in and use it. And I feel happy that I was able to help.”
“You did. I swear it, Harry, you saved my life.” She said and he smiled as she let her thumb run over his knuckles, “Are you feeling better?” She asked.
“Definitely.” He assured and just before she pulled her hand away he brought his other hand over, to hold her smaller hand between his own, “So this guy from the gym.” He brought it up though he didn’t want to and that there was why… she giggled bashfully at the mention of him.
“Aaron. Ummm, we’re cool.” She shrugged, “He’s cute and sweet. It was actually his idea that I ummm, spend some time with you one on one if that’s what you needed. Not that I didn’t want to be here for you!” She added in quickly, “But I was thinking of giving you space instead. It’s mostly because that’s what I was most commonly asked for in the past by others so I just assumed you’d want the same thing.” She explained and he hummed.
“I would tell you if I needed space from you. I promise.” He said and she nodded in understanding, “So you and this Aaron?”
“We actually got to talking a few days ago. He had wondered where you were when I started coming in alone.” She explained, “He thought you were my boyfriend.” She said with a giggle and Harry bit his lip, he didn’t know why this was amusing. Maybe it was to her since she was not interested in him that way.
“Well, I supposed that’s not a difficult deduction to make. We always show up together and we’re warding gym creeps away from each other.” He explained.
“Yeah…” she hummed with a smile.
“You looked very pretty today. Was that for him?” He asked with a slight lump in his throat and she giggled quietly.
“No…and a little bit yes.” She confessed and he smiled despite the hurt in his heart.
“A little bit yes…” he repeated before looking into her eyes.
“Yeah, it’s just…he’s attractive. My age, so appropriate. and he was flirting with me. No one has really flirted with me in a while and I just-”
“Oh, is that so?” He asked with a grin and she rolled her eyes playfully.
“You don’t count.” She said and that hurt him more than he thought it would.
“And why not?” He asked and she sighed.
“Because Harry… then I’m gonna develop a crush on you and that would suck because I’m not nearly good enough for you!” She said, “And I don’t want to get all hopeful over something that can never happen.” She said in exasperation.
“I think I can decide who is good enough for me and who isn’t, Y/N. And quite frankly if anything I’ve done has given you hope it was completely intentional.” He said and her eyes widened in shock, “I care about you. More than I ought to, from the start. Every day after you left I was thinking about you. I wanted to call or know how I could help. I thought you hadn’t called because you regretted what happened or just chose to forget about me.” He explained and she shook her head.
“I just didn’t want to drag you into my mess.” She explained and he chuckled.
“Your life is not a mess, Y/N and I don’t see you as a charity case or anything like that. I genuinely care for you, Y/N. I’ve enjoyed having you here the last few months and I don’t want you to feel bad if you don’t feel the same way I do about all of this. I know that you’re trying to get back on your feet and the last thing you need is another layer of complication to what you’re dealing with-”
“No Harry, you’re wonderful and I couldn’t have asked for a better situation to be in. For the first time in my life I feel like everything’s right and like I’m happy.” She confessed, “I’m so happy being here with you.” She assured and he smiled, “And I’m not going to lie. I am worried about complicating things a bit since we are living together right now but I do care about you so much and I try and hold back how much I care for that very reason an-” Y/N was cut off as he grabbed her face in his hands gently and kissed her lips tenderly.
It felt so amazing to have their lips meet again. They’d each been dreaming about it since the day after she had moved in. He had kissed her then, but he told himself it happened in a bout of passion, he couldn’t just pursue her how he wanted to, he told himself he would take things as slowly as possible.
“That guy, Aaron, do you like him?” He asked and she sighed.
“Of course, but it’s more of a mild crush it’s nothing compared to how I-” she cut herself off and he smiled as he leaned back in and rubbed the tip of his nose against hers.
“Compared to what?” He asked quietly, trying his best to hold back his grin, “Tell me, baby.” He coaxed her gently. Y/N felt like her entire body was on fire at Harry’s words and proximity, she swore that her heart was hammering in her throat.
“Compared to how I feel about you.” She finally said in a small voice and he smiled even wider as she felt her face heat up with the blood rushing up to it.
“Oh…” he responded and she rolled her eyes playfully, “And how exactly do you feel about me?” He asked, puling her onto his lap and she giggled.
“You first. I already confessed something.” She said and he chuckled.
“OK, that’s fair.” Harry smiled, “I like that despite everything that you’ve been through, your heart is still so open and full of care and love. I like that you’re lazy-” she scoffed and he giggled, “let me finish, yeah?” She nodded as he continued, “it reminds me to slow down and enjoy the little things. I like the way your hair is now, it looks really pretty when it’s down-”
“My balayage is all grown out!” She laughed and he shrugged with a little smile.
“It just means you’ve come a long way.” He said and that made her smile drop into a pout of endearment as she felt her eyes welling up, “I like how happy I feel around you too. You’ve made this home away from home.” He said, “I like your pancakes, I need the recipe, you do something to them, I just know it.” He insisted and she giggled as she sniffled away the urge to cry, “I like how you make fun of my accent,” He said and she giggled again, “and how you quote films and shows in everyday conversation, I like how much you’ve been smiling recently, I like how willing you are to being the best version of yourself, makes me want to do the same. I like it when you say my name and when you hug me when I get home from work…I just like having you around, Y/N.” He finished simply and she leaned in and kissed him deeply it knocked him back a bit, but he managed to keep them upright as they kissed again and then parted with a soft smack.
“Wait, so what does this mean for us?” She asked and he hummed as he looked down to where her hands were on his chest and he grabbed one of them, interlacing their fingers before he glanced up into her eyes.
“I would like to be with you whenever you’re ready to take that step.” He said softly.
“I’m ready now.” She giggled and he did as well.
“Eager.” He hummed and she shrugged, “I do need to tell you this though, in the state of California a clinician isn’t allowed to engage in any type of romantic affair with a previous client until after 5 years after completion of treatment. It’s in the code of conduct.” He explained.
“Oh shit.” She exclaimed and he nodded.
“Obviously, I’m not going to make you wait 5 years for me and I don’t want to do that either but ummm… we will need to lay low for a while, you know? I love my job and I don’t want to lose my license and I also don’t want to get you into any trouble. I never told anyone what happened between us before, so in terms of that and like my personal life, that should be OK. But like when it comes to my co-workers and being together anywhere near to where I work we just need to not look like a couple. It’s one of the reasons I live so far from the facility, I wanted to make sure that there’s not too much bleeding of my personal life into my professional life.” He explained and she nodded.
“Yeah, I understand that and I don’t take offense to that.” She assured him, “I get it and you’re great at your job. I would hate for you to lose that on account of me.” She explained, “And well, as much as I want to move forward with you I think I also need to continue working on myself. Now that I have insurance I actually started looking for a new therapist to keep working through things with. We can take it really slow, you know? I want to be able to move out too, not that I don’t like being here with you, I love it! But I also know that if our relationship continues to evolve it’ll be important to have our own spaces while we get acclimated to that.” She said and he nodded.
“I agree. Research on cohabitation does not show a favorable outcome for relationship longevity.” He said and she giggled.
“Such a nerd.” She whispered as she leaned in to his lips and he grinned.
“You love it.” He hummed as he leaned in as well.
“That I do.” She smiled before connecting their lips slowly. She took her time feeling his lips on her own, loving how warm and soft they were as they connected against hers. She could feel him squeezing her fingers in his grip and her free hand came up around his neck. He hummed as she accidentally dragged her center over his, he was getting hard and she did it again, deliberately this time and she inhaled sharply as this movement in particular caused some friction to her clit. Harry felt like fire was running through his veins, he wanted her so bad. The last time they had sex it had been kinky and rough, but he wanted to love on her now. Make her feel good and cared for even if he knew he wouldn’t be lasting too long, there was no way he would. Like her, he hadn’t had sex with anyone since her - that was a long time for him.
“What happened to taking it super slow?” He teased and she sucked his bottom lip between her own a few times before responding.
“We don’t have to do anything past this.” She reasoned, “Unless you want to.” She added in as she pulled back to properly look into his eyes.
“Do you want to?” He asked and she bit her lip coyly, which made him smirk, which then caused her to hide her face against his neck and he chuckled as he ran his free hand up and down her back, “How about we have a shower and then cozy up in bed and watch a movie and we’ll see what happens. Sound good?” He asked.
“Yeah. And we’re showering separately, right?” She asked and he chuckled.
“Yes, unless you want to share, I don’t mind.” He said.
“I’ve never actually showered with anyone so maybe not.” She said and he smiled.
“OK, see you in my room?” He asked and she nodded and with one final kiss they broke apart. Harry assured her he would put away their untouched and melted fro-yo and she headed off to shower in a ball of nerves.
Y/N made sure she was extra thorough, she wanted Harry to smell her shampoo and body wash on her skin. She even went as far as moving up her body scrub routine because she wanted to be extra soft for him. Soon enough she was all done and just blowdrying her hair to a damp consistency because she didn’t want it to be sopping wet. Then she got into some sleeping clothes and wandered into his room, he had left the door open and it sounded like he was just brushing his teeth or something so she turned down the bed and slipped into the side that he clearly did not sleep on and curled up, shivering at the cold temperature of the unused sheets. It was just moments before he was stepping out, still shirtless and it made her blush. Harry liked seeing her in his bed, it did funny things to his tummy.
“Let me just get on a shirt.” He said lowly as he headed towards his dresser.
“I mean, you don’t have to wear one…” she joked and he chuckled.
“I also don’t have to get pneumonia.” He joked back and she rolled her eyes at his dramatics.
Soon enough he was turning off the lights and settling into bed beside her. He switched on the TV and handed her the remote to choose what she wanted. Harry wasn’t all that picky with what he watched, which she appreciated. She was largely into docuseries and those Netflix specials on cults and murderers and he had sat through plenty of them with her, but she would certainly choose something lighter for this occasion. She smiled to herself when he curled into her chest, assuming the position of little spoon. It didn’t take long for her to just put on a rom-com and slide the remote under the end of the pillow so that she could hug her arms around him. She nuzzled her cheek into the top of his head and he pulled her left hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it.
That was it for a little while, but soon he started to kiss her hand again, and he opened up it up before kissing her palm, which made her giggle as his slight scruff tickled her skin. Then he started kissing her fingertips so gently, but she could hear the smack of his lips and the little smooching sounds as he moved from finger to finger. She really wasn’t expecting it when he nipped at the pad of her middle finger before he slid it into his mouth and sucked. It immediately made her go hot all over and she bit her lip as she felt the smooth texture of his warm tongue against her finger. She had done this before, but it had never been done to her but now she understood why guys liked that so much. He skimmed the length of it with his teeth as he drew his mouth up her finger to let it go and it made her breath hitch as he pulled off. Seconds later he was taking two of her fingers between his lips, humming around her digits before popping off and turning around quickly. He settled himself over her body and kissed her fervently, it took her breath away as his tongue dipped into her mouth and rolled against hers. His hips were grinding into hers, letting her feel how hard he was for her and it was making her wetter for him by the second.
“Can I go down on you?” He mumbled against her mouth and Y/N hummed and nodded.
“Yeah, please.” She panted and he immediately started kissing down her jaw, to her neck, then her throat, and down her sternum. He sat up and tugged at her shirt which prompted Y/N to sit up and tear it off before he grabbed at her breast. His warm hands kneaded at her gently and but with purpose as his mouth took turns in suckling at her nipples until she was squirming beneath him and pleading him for more. He mumbled a smug “I’ll get there.” As he kissed down her tummy as his hands ran up her thighs, spreading her legs open so that he could settle comfortably between them. As he pulled down her sweats she lifted her bum and he chuckled when he didn’t see an underwear band, “To be fair I never wear undies to sleep.” She informed him as he made some remark about it.
“Sure, sure…” he teased before he tugged them off all the way and got a good look at her.
Harry’d been dying to get a taste of her since he saw her little pussy all sticky and wet for him. He wasted no time in pushing her legs up, banding them at the knee and delving in. She moaned immediately as he started to tongue through her folds, rubbing and flicking in all the right places. Her fingers wove into his hair, holding his face down to her as he started to suck at her clit. Y/N’s eyes rolled back as she let out a cry as she felt his fingers start to rub over her entrance. She was itching to feel them push into her and start to open her up for his cock.
“So good…” She moaned as he shook his head from side to side, his moans were reverberating through her body, sending waves of pleasure through her stomach and to her limbs. He was so good at this…the way he was making out with her entire pussy was something she had never experienced before. It was so much better than she ever thought it could be. Her tummy was fluttering as she suddenly felt so close to the edge. He’d only been down there five minutes and she already about to come, “I’m close!” She warned and he moaned before he used his fingers to open her up a bit more and really use his tongue on her clit. It was almost too much, it was making her tremble. His warm tongue rubbing over her clit, his stubble ticking her labia and inner thighs, his moans vibrating through her entire body, the sheer delight he was experiencing as he gave her head, it was all coming together beautifully to carry her over the coveted precipice of what is an orgasm, “Oh fuck! Oh fuck!” She cried as she started to come undone. Her thighs started to close as the tingle started to become too much for her, she was shaking and tugging hard at his hair as Harry worked her through her orgasm. He was living for her moans and her taste and everything that she was in this moment as she came undone on his tongue.
“Oh my god!” She whimpered as he kissed over her entrance before slipping his tongue inside, wagging it a few times and moaning at the taste of her cum. He them worked his way back to her clit, all sensitive and throbbing. He was gentle as he rolled his tongue over it slowly, barely letting her come down before he started to wind her up again.
“Want you to come again.” He mumbled briefly before he brought his fingers to her entrance again, “Can you give me another one, baby?” He asked, glancing up to her briefly and she nodded with a pained look on her face and while their eyes were on each others he sunk his two fingers into her and he watched as her brows creased and her jaw went slack as he curled them up into her spot. So hot and smooth against his finger tips. He smirked at he watched her eyes flutter closed as she moaned out in pleasure as he rubbed into her g-spot, “So fucking wet for me.” He moaned as he heard the wet and squelching sounds of his fingers moving in and out of her entrance.
“Fuuuck…” she mewled, “Don’t stop! Please, don’t stop!” She begged and he grinned again before he busied his mouth over her clit again.
She was so fucking perfect, he could do this all day if she’d let him. He could feel her tight, wet walls squeezing around his digits, sucking them in deeper into her. He started using more force, loving how her thighs were threatening to squeeze around his head as the pleasure started to overwhelm her. All he could hear were the wet sounds of his fingers fucking her, the wet slurps of his mouth at her clit, and her steady flow of praises as he brought her to her orgasm once again. He was enamored with the feeling of her orgasm, he couldn’t wait to feel it around his cock. It was driving mad and he kept going and going until her legs were shaking hard and he could hear her begging him to slow down. So he did, he slowly came to a stop, but before he could pull away she was tugging his hair up and guiding him back up to her. Their lips met desperately and she moaned at her taste on his mouth. Her hands were now tugging at his shirt and she broke the kiss for a moment.
“Told you, you didn’t have to wear one.” She grinned and he chuckled as he knelt up and pulled it off of his body and their eyes met for a moment, just a quiet and tender moment before he was letting his body settle over hers again, slower this time. Their noses nudged and their mouths hovered as their breathed each other in, the moment suddenly became so intimate and tender. Y/N could feel her heart swelling inside of her chest, everything she felt started to surface and it made her want to cry with joy because who on earth was she to deserve someone like him.
“Fuck, you’re so beautiful.” He whispered between them as he took her in and she felt her eyes start to well up.
“You’re gonna make me cry.” She said sniffled and he smiled.
“Happy tears I hope.” He said with a little smile and she nodded, “I’m going to kiss you now.” He said and she craned her neck up towards his as their lips pressed together slowly.
There was no urgency to this kiss, it was deep and heartfelt and that was tangible the longer it went on, “Want to go nice and slow.” He said and she nodded in agreement, “Want to see your face.” He said and she moaned at the thought of watching his face while they had sex, “Gonna grab a condom.” He said and she nodded as he drew away from her for a moment to dig in his bedside table and cursing a bit when he realized there weren’t any in there and he hurried off to the bathroom. He quickly slipped out of his own sweats before climbing back on the bed and sliding the condom onto his erection before he settled over her body. She was aching to feel him inside of her, she was desperate to feel him so close to her again. She could feel him now, prodding at her entrance as he situated himself and their lips met again in a slow kiss. She hitched her legs up around his hips and he glanced down between their bodies briefly before looking back into her eyes as she nodded, indicating that she was ready for him and he pressed inside, his mouth dropped open in a low moan in tandem with her as his head pushed into her. He then slowly guided his hips down, watching her face as she took every inch of him until they were nose to nose and her eyes fluttered closed as she basked in the feeling of him finally inside. He was in deep, she felt like he was in her tummy and she had no idea how to cope with it as he started to gyrate his hips against hers, somehow managing to open her up further until she was completely at his mercy as he started thrusting deep and slow. She felt like her skin was on fire as his touch grazed over her arms and up to her hair. He buried his fingers in it before kissing her deeply. They were drinking in each other’s moans and sounds of pleasure as their bodies met in the most delicious way possible.
“I missed you so much.” He panted and she smiled as she pulled him down for a kiss again.
“Me too, baby.” She whispered into his mouth. Everything was perfect and slow and romantic and intimate. Y/N had never made love with anyone before and it was carrying her body and soul to a new height, a place she had never experienced. She couldn’t help it as her eyes welled up with tears and he saw it happened and kissed her lips.
“It’s OK if you need to cry.” He said to her and she sniffled as she surged forward as their lips met in an ardent kiss as a few tears streaked between them, “So perfect.” He hummed as he pulled away to let her breathe properly as he continued thrusting his hips against hers in deep motions until he was barely holding on. His arms were trembling and she pushed herself up to sit and he followed, pulling out of her before having her straddle his lap and sink onto his cock again. She gasped at how deep he felt now that she was on top but he continued to thrust up against her as she hugged him to her chest. His kisses were hot and needy against her chest and throat and neck. She had set the most delicious pace and they were soon getting close.
“I’m so close.” She mewled and he hummed against her throat as he hugged her tighter and she gripped the hair at the back of his head and yanked it back before kissing him hard and parting with a wet gasp.
“Fuck.” He groaned as she started to grind down against him. Their climaxes building together perfectly. Everything about this moment between them was perfect and as their sounds grew in frequency they started to peak together, “I’m gonna come! I’m gonna come!” He panted and she kissed his lips quickly.
“Just a little more, baby. I’m right there!” She pleaded and he groaned, his thighs and abs trembling as he tried to hold on. He brought his thumb between them to rub little circles into her clit and her body curled into his as she gasped, “Oh my god! Harry!” She whimpered and he felt her squeeze so tight around his cock and he couldn’t help it as he started to moan and come undone, shooting ropes inside of the condom as she started to grind against him in no particular rhythm, just riding out her orgasm until she was trembling and he was pulling them down into the mattress, their bodies still connected as he held her close.
Their ragged breathing and sweaty bodies a testament to what they had just done with each other, but it felt so comfortable, basking in his warmth. As they settled down she kissed at his neck and throat tenderly, careful not to leave any marks on his skin.
“You OK, baby?” He asked and she nodded against him, giving him a soft hum as confirmation, “Good.” He said before pressing a kiss to the top of her head.
He warned her before he pulled out and went to toss the condom and so she let him go do that and when he came back he helped her get dressed, like the first time they had sex, and then he got himself dressed before they both settled into his covers, shivering as they adjusted into the warmth of the bed, he was the big spoon this time. She smiled as she felt him pressing kisses into her hair and her head, his arms were looped tight around her body as their legs tangled together. He was making remarks about how cold her feet were and she was giggling as she ran them against his calf, making him yelp. But soon the laughter settled down and they were both just breathing slow and deep together, basking in each other’s warmth after being so deprived of it for so long.
“Was that OK?” He asked after some silence.
“It was perfect.” She smiled as she responded, “I’ve never done it like that before.” She confessed and that made him a bit sad for her.
“I’m happy to be the first. Fucking is also fun but I also enjoy showing you what I feel for you so if you ever want that just let me know.” He said and she smiled.
“I will, thank you.” She whispered.
“Of course, baby. I just want you to be happy. So, so happy and I would love it more if I could be the one you’re happy with.” He said softly against her ear. It made her entire body covered in goosebumps as he said this, both of them vibrating with affection for each other, neither of them had ever felt whatever it was they were feeling now and it was so wonderful.
“You already are the person I’m happy with.” She assured and he couldn’t even contain the giant smile that was on his face as her words processed and sunk in.
“You’re that person for me too.” He assured quietly. Y/N smiled as she scooted even closer to his body and hummed in happiness. She couldn’t wait to see what the future had in store for them.
"It's love, by the way." she suddenly whispered and his brows furrowed in confusion.
"What is?" he asked and she smiled.
"The secret ingredient. In the pancakes." she whispered and he chuckled and kissed her on the head.
"Knew there was a secret." he grinned happily.
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I feel sad. Saw T yesterday and it went better than it did last time. I could tell she was really trying and she seemed open to connection. She also asked about parts and that felt nice, because sometimes many sessions go by without ever talking about parts and it does make some of us feel unseen at times. (I know we should just bring it up ourselves in those cases).
T asked if I felt like therapy feels like a repetition of something (like earlier therapy). And yeah, in some ways. It does remind me of L and Old T, near the end, right before I stopped seeing them. I told T that we have gotten to know each other really well and now that seems to make it progressively harder for me.
It feels stuck. I get knots in my shoulders as I approach the terrain. Mentioned that, and then T asked a whole bunch about "what the knots would say if they could talk". Lol. The only thing I could imagine them saying was "go away". Not to T, I think, but to me. T proposed taking a walk, but I was scared of seeing other people outside. So then she said to just imagine taking a walk. I couldn't bring myself to follow her in imagining, unfortunately. I just had Wuss yelling at me inside.
Whenever I felt myself being pulled into emotions, getting upset, he yelled that it's bullshit and that I need to snap out of it. The fear of getting upset for like three days again, losing precious energy I need to cope with work.
T also asked if I was upset with her, but I just can't find the words! I just don't know. Am I upset with her? Maybe??? But why???? And is it not just me being horrible and ruining everything? T said she wondered if it was "attachment stuff", and yeah, probably, who knows... She said that I could imagine a perfect session with a perfect therapist and then we would know what to do. I kind of snapped at her that she still expects *me* to know everything, but I actually don't. I think it would be something like a T proposing some exercises and guiding me through it by giving options.
It's probably transference or just me being stupid, but I do think I need more structure. And yes, this feels like being back at Old T and how she came to telling me that she can't help me.
The T I have now is a bit more solid, but yeah, maybe I'm already driving her towards that as well.
I just feel so overwhelmed and I want the world to make sense and not to lead my own therapy. I already lead so much while I'm teaching. And man, I feel so freaking lonely.
I'm holding on at work, but I'm sacrificing my ability to connect.
Wuss kind of blocks all possible therapy work as well. He says that it's bullshit to focus on the past, because it's over and it's just a pity party to think about it. He says that about any and all emotions, basically. It's wearing me down. It's true, I don't want to think about the past anymore. It feels too heavy. But I also want to live a life that has a certain quality of life to it. Being all alone and not even in touch with myself hurts that QoL.
I sent T an analysis video of the 8 Passengers case on Youtube. It reminds me so much of how my dad and stepmum were, their mindset. I hope it shows how you get an overcontrolled child. But it also feels so pointless to share. Who even cares, why should it matter what happened. I've thought about it for 10 years and I'm still struggling.
I wish I could go back to some inner softness and some connection. I'll take connection with T if that's all that's available. I just can't seem to handle it. Even breathing in therapy scares me.
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Hi. Maybe the reader is trying to get into hypnosis for serious anxiety and nothing has worked with normal therapists and Narry steps in?
*gives soup* You mean the world to us. 😭🍲
(ah, anon, thank you for your kind words.)
Narrator and a reader who is trying to use hypnosis for anxiety (platonic or romantic)
You’re constantly on the edge. Your brain is very mean. You’ve tried everything you can think of, and a few things you wouldn’t think of as well. You turn to hypnosis as a last ditch attempt to feel better.
The problem is, who can you trust to take care of you while you’re under? Suppose someone tries to implant false memories while you’re in that altered state, or hurts you in some other way? Your anxiety curls around you, making it harder to ask for help. Hypnosis therapists haven’t worked in the past because you couldn’t trust them enough to let all your shields down.
The narrator knows you’ve got anxious tendencies. Anyone can see it, but his heart is especially soft towards you. You’re his dear listener, you’re who keeps him tethered to this world. Of course he wants to help.
You express yourself, your desires, your fears, and he takes up the challenge. “Well now, you’ve come to the right person. I daresay my voice is perfect for the job. What do you say?”
You aren’t sure about this. You aren’t sure about anything. But… In all the time you’ve known him in this reality, he’s never hurt you. If someone else had claimed that the narrator was going to damage you, you’d have laughed at them. What the hell, why not give it a go?
The narrator is pleasantly surprised you’ve decided to take him up on his offer. He’s actually excited, believe it or not. You trust him enough to give it a try, despite your fear. That's huge. If you were his protagonist instead of his friend, he’d call it a major cornerstone of character development. But this is more than that, he’s also emotionally attached to you.
What an honor it is to sit with you and help you work through this. What an honor it is to be allowed so close into your mind. You trust him- not completely, but enough. He’s not going to mess this up. He knows that belief in another is notoriously fragile for humans.
He tells you none of this, instead saying, “I’m glad you’ve come to your senses and are allowing an expert to step in. I’m clearly the correct choice. There’s no possible way you’ll be disappointed in my efforts.” He sincerely hopes that’s the case.
You sit back on the couch, and close your eyes. The narrator chooses a register that’s deep and soothing. The first thing he does is guide you through a meditation in order to get some of the bigger pieces of fear wrangled.
“I will be your narrative guide into tranquility. Relax, let my voice coast over you, and let your mind go empty.”
After you’re a bit more settled, he gets into the bulk of hypnosis. He begins to carve out the difference between your symptoms and your body.
“You are safe. Even when you are having an anxiety attack, when you shake or sweat, you are safe.”
“You are not in danger when your anxiety is high. Your brain is lying to you.”
You’re in some sort of half submerged state, being gently pulled along by his voice. It’s pleasant. You’re calm. He had talent, you had to admit.
It takes several months, but you start noticing the effects. When you have a panic attack, some part of your brain remains clear and focused, and you can pull yourself back down much more quickly than you used to. And on days when the narrator is there, he’s trained you to respond to his voice, even in the midst of your fear. There’s a particular range he hits that’s like a cold compress on a fevered forehead.
“Reader- Reader. Listen to me. You are safe. I am with you. This will pass.” He will repeat that and similar things over and over and you’re settled again. It gets a little quicker each time, and you’re grateful.
You break down crying after another successfully fought off attack. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” You repeat again and again, brain too exhausted to think of something more in depth.
He hushes you. “Shh, shh. Rest. You can boost my ego later.” You smile as the tears continue to roll down your cheeks. He grabs a blanket and tucks you in, then hands you a tissue box.
He can’t tell you how deeply he cares for you, how much you mean to him- but he can show you through his actions. He hopes you pick up on the unspoken theme, the subtext. It’s what he’s counting on.
#the narrator x reader#the stanley parable#tsp narrator#tsp#answered ask#headcanon#stanley parable#narrator#tsp narrator x reader#could be read as platonic or romantic
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I haven’t been writing for over two years and I’ve been spending the most of the past 72 hours working on this and like two other fics so like. Please be nice. Also I only proofread this like, maybe twice, so if there are still any mistakes or typos, please let me know! I’m almost done with the next chapter, so if we’re all lucky I’ll be able to post it next week. I figure that a weekly upload schedule should probably be feasible for me. Guess we’ll see!
pairing: eddie munsonx reader
rating: PG13 for now, each chapter rated individually
warnings: there will be hella spoilers for S4, lots of swearing, guns, minor injury and blood, drugs (just weed my dudes), alcohol, reader deserves her own warning actually, use of canadian english is also its own warning
word count: 3,323
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𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝕺𝖓𝖊: ℭ𝔥𝔞𝔯𝔞𝔠𝔱𝔢𝔯 ℭ𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫
March 20th, 1986
It’s annoying, having to wait like this.
Your leg is bouncing under the table and you can’t help but absently pick at the table’s flaking paint. You’d est up to meet after you were off work, which more or less coincided with when he got out of class. Which was apparently a bit earlier than you’d anticipated; you’ve been killing time at this stupid picnic table in the woods for almost half an hour now.
You’re about to cut your losses and prepare an apology call when something catches your eye, further off in the woods. It’s not like it’s eerily quiet; if you pay attention, you can hear squirrel scrambling up trees and birds flying around. But there’s something about that vague almost-shape you saw in the woods... You feel the hairs at the back of your neck rise. That’s probably a bad sign, right? You should probably leave. I should definitely leave.
“Sorry for keeping you wai–”
You shriek and clean fall off the bench with how fast you turn around.
“Fucking shit Ed! God damn warn a girl, holy shit!” You scream, catching your breath and brushing leaves off of you when you stand. “You scared the living hell out of me!”
Eddie raises his hands up in surrender and takes a few steps back. “Woah there, my bad. Didn’t mean to scare you. You alright?”
The genuine concern makes you groan and you drop yourself back onto the bench you’d fallen from. When asked, you were going to lie and say your shifts are work were just getting a bit aggravating, but it was a bit harder to justify being that jumpy.
“Dude, I don’t know. I’ve just been having these nightmares for a while and it’s been freaking me out,” you explain, putting your arms up on the table and resting your head on them. “I’ve been getting shit for sleep and it’s like I’m seeing things.”
“I’m pretty sure drugs are gonna make that worse, not better,” Eddie says slowly, leaning forward on the table after placing his box down. “You wanna, like... talk about it?”
You scoff and turn your head away. There was no way you were going to try and even begin to describe the fucked up shit that’s been playing in Technicolor in your brain the past few weeks. Nevermind the stuff you’re pretty sure was a dream but aren’t entirely convinced about.
Like that time you spotted Harrington and fucking Robin Buckley, of all people, in a movie theater together. Looking and acting absolutely blitzed out. That has to have been some kind of hallucination, because as soon as the movie was over you couldn’t see them anywhere.
Or that time a few years ago when Will Byers went missing and those kids–his friends, probably?–took to the streets like a band of thieves, looking for all the world like they were heading straight for the lab. No one else ever mentioned them or even gave any indication they’d seen a group of prepubescent boys taking up a whole street with their bikes and an ungodly time of night. So you just kind of assume you’d... dreamt it up, or something.
You’ve had weirder dreams.
“I appreciate the offer to be my impromptu therapist, Munson, but I think it’d just make me feel worse,” you eventually answer, sitting back up and running your hands down your face. “I just need whatever you’ve got that can knock me out. Shit you gave me last time barely got me to sleep like, an hour.”
Eddie audibly winces and crosses his arm.
“I hate to say it, but you might be better off with beer.”
You groan theatrically and let your head slam back down on the table. Slam it a few more times for good measure. Eddie hastily shoves his hand under your forehead.
“Hey there, woah, woah! Knock that out!”
“You’re shitting me right? I can’t do this anymore, Ed, I feel like I’ve actively gone insane,” you whine, bringing your hands up to the back of your neck. “You’re my best bet, no way I can see a doctor for this. I’ll get locked up or worse.”
There’s silence for a bit, before you hear the closure for Eddie’s box pop open. You sigh in relief and raise your head, pulling the hair out of your face. He’s not taking anything out, though; he’s putting something back in before closing the box again.
“Wait no, come on–” you start, but Eddie interrupts you with a hand help up.
“Ah, give me a second, I’m getting there,” he says, shoving his other hand in the inner pocket of his leather jacket. The small bag of weed he pulls out looks thoroughly and profoundly unremarkable.
“Dude I literally just said–”
“Have you always been this impatient, woman? Relax, this is from my,” Eddie pauses to clear his throat and leans forward with a grin. “Personal stash. Should be strong enough for you.”
“Are you saying you’ve been selling me baby’s first drugs until now?” You ask, crossing your arms. Eddie places a hand to his chest in mock offense and scoffs.
“I’m shocked and offended you would ever think so lowly of me. I thought we were cool!” You can’t help but at least chuckle at that and put your hands up in defeat.
“No, you’re totally right, my bad. I know you would only provide me with the finest wares. I had a moment of weakness, beg your forgiveness.”
Content with your playing along and the accompanying apology, Eddie pulls out a grinder from the box, rolling papers from a back pocket and gets to rolling. When he doesn’t immediately make a move to start a conversation, you decide to drown out the buzzing in your head yourself.
“How’s the Hellfire campaign going? Aren’t you having the party come up against a lich?” Eddie smirks and nods.
“Yeah, Vecna. They still have no idea though, they all still think he’s just a myth. I can’t wait to see their stupid faces when I tell ‘em he’s still alive when I tell them.”
“They’ll riot, I hope you know,” you laugh lightly, putting your chin in your hand on the table. You’d only sat in on one or two sessions, back when Eddie had been the youngest member of Hellfire. But if the theatrics and hysterics of those sessions were anything to go by, these guys got very emotionally attached to their games and characters.
“They can riot all they want, they’re gonna have to let the dice to the talking for them,” Eddie says, carefully rolling the ground bud into its paper. You open your mouth to say something, but stop yourself when you hear it.
The distant but unmistakable sound of a grandfather clock chiming.
“Ed,” you first say, apparently too quietly for him to hear. “Eddie. Hey, Munson,” you say, faster, tapping your hand on the table to catch his attention. Your eyes, meanwhile, are scanning the pathway you’d both come down for any movement. “Tell me you heard that.”
Eddie freezes and slowly brings his hands down to the table. When he doesn’t move or say anything, you turn back to him. His expression is... upsetting
“Dude no, don’t look at me like that,” you plead, leg bouncing under the table again.
“Depends what you heard,” he replies slowly, bringing the joint back up to his lips so he can seal it.
“I-I don’t know, like the chime of a grandfather clock? That thing they do every hour?”
Eddie shakes his head as he twists the end of the joint before putting it down on the table between you.
“I’m gonna be real with you, I don’t think this is gonna help you. You’re kind of starting to freak me out a bit, and that’s saying something.” Even the attempt at humour can’t really take the edge in his voice you refuse to acknowledge is a hint of fear.
“I’ll take my chances,” you mutter, reaching for the rolled joint with one hand and pulling a zippo lighter from your jacket pocket with the other. Thanks to Eddie’s rolling, it doesn’t take long to light up, and you can take your first actual drag almost right away. Your head already feels clearer by the time you take your second hit.
“Jesus slow down, you’re gonna suffocate,” Eddie cautions, reaching a hand out but not quite reaching you.
“If it knocks me out it knocks me out my guy,” you reply smoothly, blowing the smoke in his direction. You take a third, smaller hit before passing the joint over.
You can’t tell if it’s the weed that made it stop or if it stopped all on its own, but you’re relieved to find you can’t hear the stupid clock chiming anymore.
“...look,” you start, absently picking at the threads of a hole in your pants. “It’s not because I don’t trust you–”
“Hey, no, I get it,” Eddie says, cutting you off, passing you the joint back after a second hit. “No one wants to confide in the town freak, totally–”
It’s your turn to cut him off when you stand and reach over the table to slap him over the head.
“I told you to stop saying that shit, Munson!” You drop back down heavily onto the bench and take what’s maybe a bit too big of a hit from the joint before passing it back over. “I know I’m like, always the first person to say that if you think everyone else is the problem then you’re probably the problem but,” you take a second to cough lightly and clear your throat before continuing. “In this instance I think it’s perfectly justified to say that literally everyone’s an asshole to you for no damn reason.”
“It’s not for no reason,” Eddie replies lightly, and a bit too easily. “I run a cult, my dad’s in jail, I live in the bad part of town–”
“Yeah and none of that is your fault!” You frustratedly stomp at the ground under the table. “Come on! You don’t even actually run a cult. God forbid kids have fun doing shit, right? Jesus christ, don’t take that shit on for yourself!”
The joint burns between Eddie’s fingers and he just... sits there, staring at you like you’ve just confessed to murder.
“What. Why are you looking at me like that? You know I’m right!”
“Well, sure, I know that,” he replies, leaning back a little bit and taking another hit from the joint. “I’m just wondering what’s gotten into you that you’re this...” He gestures at you with both hands. “Whatever this is you are right now.”
“Whatever this is?“ you scoff, crossing your arms. ”Upset? Pissed off?“
“I was going for ‘slightly more unhinged than usual’ but that–yeah that works too.”
You twist your tongue against your teeth. You could probably talk... a little bit, right? You can probably spin it as just a weird run of the mill nightmare thing. Which just happens to involve people you happen to have seen around town when no one else did.
“It’s just...” you start, and when Eddie passes you the rest of the joint back, he leans his elbows on the table and rests his chin in his hands. “I’ve been having nightmares about people dying, man,” you whisper, taking the last hit from the joint before stubbing it out underneath the table.
“Like, people you know people? Or just random dream people?”
“People I know people,” you confirm, resting your head against the table gently, this time. “There’s–man, I really don’t know if I should be telling you this,” you groan, bringing your hands up over your head. “There’s like, your whole Hellfire club there dude. I saw Steve Harrington get like, half eaten alive once, that was fucking miserable.” You take a second to breathe. Thankfully, all Eddie does is fold his hands on the table and let his head rest on them.
“Are Harrington and that Henderson kid close at all?” The question is out of your mouth before you can think much about it. Eddie sits up straight and leave his palms face down on the table. When you look up, he’s got a brow raised at you.
“I guess? When I first picked him up, Henderson couldn’t shut up about him,” Eddie say, exhaling sharply like he’d found something funny. “Still doesn’t shut up about him actua... hey, are you good?”
No, you’re in fact very not good. There’s no way, right? There’s no way that what you saw was real, right? There’s no way there’s a weird blip in the spacetime continuum that let you see Dustin Henderson freaking out over a very bloodied and injured Steve Harrington?
“I think I’m gonna be sick,” You say weakly, turning around and away from the table to put your head between your legs.
“Shit, shit, shit,” Eddie mutters in a panic, and you can hear him trip over himself trying to get around the table do you. “You need a ride home? I can drop you off at the corner or something, you really don’t look too good.”
You wave him off to shut him up for a second, a hand over your mouth, desperately trying to control your breathing. Thinking about this kind of shit on an empty stomach and with a severe sleep deficiency wasn’t the greatest idea.
“I’ll be fine,” you eventually say, though a bit too quietly and not very convincingly. You try again. “I’m good. I just need to sleep.”
“Come on,” Eddie says, waving at you to get up. “I’ll take you home.”
You agree, with burning eyes and lungs that feel too small. You let Eddie help you into his van and close the door behind you. He does you the courtesy of keeping the volume low on whatever radio station he’d had one, and even if it’s not exactly warm out, lets you keep the passenger window down.
“You can drop me in front of my place,” you say, once you’re a few streets away. “My brother plays dungeons and dragons too, so they’re pretty acutely aware it’s not a satanic, baby-sacrificing cult.”
“You sure?” He asks, glancing over at you and gripping the steering wheel a bit tighter. Your attempt at humour clearly didn’t work. “I don’t want to–”
“Just shut up and take me home, damn.”
Eddie still stops three houses away. You notice that he doesn’t leave until you’ve unlocked the door and turned around to wave him off. You think you see him nod before he pulls a u-turn and drives off.
Blessedly, no one’s home yet; your parents are still both up in Canada for some business trip your father needed to do, and your brother likely skipped town to go see his girlfriend for the weekend. Which gives you free access to your dad’s beer stash, entirely obviously hidden in the mini fridge in the basement, behind the old couch your mom’s been promising to reupholster soon.
You still close and lock your bedroom door just in case, after making sure the back and front doors were both locked, chained and deadbolted.
You’re half asleep in bed, trying very hard not to think about the nightmares that have been showing up with undesirably increasing frequency, when you feel it happening. A weird kind of pull that makes you feel weightless for a second, makes your stomach feel like it just up in your throat.
When you open your eyes, everything is dark and thick vines are covering your bedroom window from the outside.
“Shit, no, no no no,” you mutter in a panic, jumping out of bed and running to the window. What you can see through the vines is exactly what you’ve come to expect from this place. Ash falling from the sky, ominous red lightning in the distance. And a damp, cloying cold that makes you feel like you’ll never feel warmth again.
Swearing under your breath, you run down the stairs, through the kitchen, down into the basement and in the far back of your dad’s workshop. Having turned eighteen over a month ago, you’re blessing your lucky stars your dad decided to give you the combination for the gun safe. Nervous fingers keep missing the right digits, but you manage to get the damn thing open after a few tries.
And there it is: the family’s prized Winchester model 23, with several boxes of ammo at the bottom of the safe. You’re clumsy when you loaded up and almost drop the entire open box of shells, but eventually you get the thing locked and loaded. You’re about to head upstairs with just that and the shotgun shells, but turn around and grab the handgun before bounding back up the stairs.
This isn’t entirely unusual by now; you’ve seen this place every time you’ve had nightmares. Being an active participant is new, though. You’ve never been able to move around or touch anything, always a passive observer of goings-on.
It doesn’t sit right with you.
You sit cross-legged in the corner of you room, wedged between a wall and the edge of your desk. You have a clear line of sight to your window–not that you think it matters much with how absolutely covered it is–and your bedroom door, which you’ve pushed your bookcase again. And you wait.
You’re counting your blessings with being able to check your watch for the time, having apparently fallen asleep with it. Ten minutes pass. Fifteen. Twenty. Thirty. You hear things outside, in the distance. Nothing close by. Somehow that puts you on edge even more. Check the time one more time: you’ve been holed up in your room for nearly fourty five minutes now with literally nothing happening.
You lean the shotgun against the wall next to you and get up to pace around your room. This isn’t normal. You screw your eyes shut as hard as you can and try to open them slowly, a trick that usually helps to wake you up. But it’s not good; you’re still in the twisted, decayed-looking version of your room.
Growling in frustration, you go back up to your window to see if you can spot anything out on the streets. But somehow, the vines have covered even more surface and you can barely make out the outside at all. You slam your fist against the window to–
Oh no. Did those vines just move?
Just as you wrap your hand about the Winchester, you feel something wrap around your ankle and pull. You’re winded as soon as you hit the floor, can feel your skull hit the hardwood. Whatever it is starts to drag you towards the door–and ultimately, you assume, down the stairs and out the door–you twist around to see what it is that has you.
And it’s a vine. A fucking vine.
You don’t really think too long or hard about it. Take a deep breath, bring the gun up, aim about two feet beyond the tip of your toes, and pull the trigger.
The gunfire makes your ears ring and feels like it blinds you for a second, but when you look down you can see you’ve successfully shot the vine off. What was around your ankle falls limp to the floor.
“Oh my fucking god, what the fucking hell,” you say to yourself, standing up and looking around. “Where are you? Show yourself!”
Stupid. God what a stupid thing to say.
You bring the shotgun back up and switch between aiming at the window and the door.
Strange, you hear, and it’s both like there’s a voice inside your head and like it’s resonating everywhere all at once. You don’t belong here.
“Fuck you, buddy!” you spit, spinning around wildly in your room. “I didn’t choose to be here!”
Then leave.
Text divider my natasharomanovf
#eddie munson x reader#stranger things#eddie x reader#eddie munson#fanfiction#stranger things fanfiction#fanfic#fix-it fic#dungeons and dragons#fuck the season finale we're retconning the fuck out of shit#mention of drugs#mention of alcohol#guns#vecna#no y/n#second person pov#hey if anyone wants to beta read for me hmu#ravenloft
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Hey everyone, this post is going to be a bit different. Pride month is nearing an end and I was ask to make a special something for this project I'm in.
I want to talk about my journey with discovering my sexuality and gender identity, along with my battle with my disability battle with ADHD.
I was around 15 or 16 when I started to question my identity. I didn't understand what or why I was different from everyone else around me. I didn't understand why I faked being in love with boys or found myself only falling in love with fictional boys but not real guys. Then I began to think harder. I realized that maybe I wasn't so straight.
As I was finding my way I explored different labels, explored my gender, and eventually finally admitted that I needed therapy for my health.
At first I thought I was bisexual and nonbinary. At the time it felt correct, but time past and I realized it didn't make sense or feel right. I needed to keep looking. Then I identified as lesbian and demigirl, but once again later down the line they didn't feel like me.
Finding your identity takes time, trying things out for a time and seeing what makes you feel you. There is no rush, no impending doom waiting around the next second.
I finally found my gender when I was looking online about different genders in the trans and nonbinary umbrella: trigender.
Trigender is a gender similar to gender fluid. One identifies as three genders, whether all at once- like a mix of colors- or flux between the three- like colors melting into another.
Trigender was the labe that felt right, where I felt myself click into place. I felt like a woman, a man, but in between- nonbinary. It made sense and felt just right for me.
As for my sexuality? I am still into women, but I now use Gynosexual as my label. It is a gender neutral way to say that a person is attracted to women identifying genders or feminine traits. Which I am.
I also figured out I am ageosexual. Ageosexual is a sexuality on the asexual spectrum. Ageosexual is a sexuality where one isn't disgusted seeing anything sexual in nature, able to watch 'adult fun' without being uncomfortable, but still having no desire for sexual intercourse of any kind.
I can handle a sex scene or joke in media, but even the thought of actually having sex makes me uncomfortable and nauseous. I don't like even the thought of anyone I may date in the future see me naked, god forbid touch me.
I will hold hands, kiss on the cheek, peck on the mouth, cuddle, hug, but anything else is a no. Just no.
So after finding the labels that fit me and have found myself comfortable with them, I settled on my pronouns next: they/them. I didn't like being referred to as just she/her, just female. I liked the more neutral they/them as it feels better and more like me. It felt right. But everyone around is still having to get used to my pronouns and using them. Learning is still going on, my family no used to my pronouns as they spent years with my old ones.
But my mental health during this? I went to see a therapist at 16, working on my depression and anxiety first. I was prescribed medication to help deal with my issues and given tools to help manage what the medication can't. Medicine isn't a cure for mental health, it just helps manage the issues one has.
After I was given the starting tools I worked on myself and tried hard in high school. I was more energetic, I felt less tired, and I had more motivation. It didn't last however. I began to have issues with attention, I kept getting distracted easily, forgot things constantly, was restless, overall a mess without knowing why.
Then my doctor prescribed me with a medication I recognized my mother taking. It was one she took for her bipolar. So I thought for a while I had bipolar, stupid I know but hey I wasn't thinking clearly. But soon I was diagnosed with ADHD, given medication and tools I needed to manage things, and found myself more relaxed- and given confirmation that I do not have bipolar. I could sleep longer than four hours. I could finally have my thoughts slow down. I even could focus better.
But the struggle wasn't done. You see, during one summer on a boiling hot day, I tried to end my life by heat stroke. I had turned my heater on full blare on the hotest day that week. Then I took a nap, hoping to anyone listening that I wouldn't wake up. I woke up, drenched in sweat, realizing what I nearly done. I turned off the heater and quickly tried to cool myself down. I only confessed about till six to seven months after that happened. This was when I was around 19, probably 20. I had dropped high school before this, the stress of dealing with family problems, moving, and the pandemic just beginning. I wasn't great mentally.
I have also experienced cutting before, something common sadly with people dealing with depression and constant stress. It wasn't a good feeling. The pain of cutting was not what I enjoyed ever, but I am ashamed to say this, but I did like how it made me numb to everything.
In the present day I am much better, not perfect but not a mess, I'm simply okay. I've been through so much and have many years to go hopefully. To end this post as it is long enough as it is I will say this:
Your journey will not be like anyone else's, it's your life and you will find the pieces of yourself in time. You just have to find what feels right and what is comfortable. You may have a hard time with your disabilities, mental or physical, but you have support around you ready to help. There are people who want to help you get better, you'll find them. I know it. Just be kind to yourself, allow time to feel out what it is you need. And allow yourself to make mistakes.
The worst thing I ever did was try to be perfect, to be strong. In actually, it's okay to be weak and to be imperfect. We all need to learn by making mistakes, grow from them. And sometimes we need to let out emotions, to stop trying to hold everything inside.
It's okay to be yourself.
#the pride of june#mental health#my story#trigender#depression#anxiety#adhd#ageosexuality#gynosexual
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Okay here I go: so i've been with my gf for 4+ years and I love her very much and our relationship is very much loving and for the most part healthy. However, there's this one thing that I've been struggling with for a long time and it's starting to get to me a little bit: trust. She has some issues that I won't share here bc that feels a bit too private, but basically she doesn't trust me. I have never done anything to break her trust whatsoever and she knows that but she still can't fully trust me. She constantly asks me for affirmation which for the most part is fine (I love expressing how much I love her) but sometimes really hurts when I have to convince her I'm not cheating on her multiple times a day. She knows it hurts me but she also can't help it and she has been working on it in therapy for a long time but I don't really feel like it's getting any better, maybe even worse. What makes it even harder is that she's never like this with other people, just me.
I really really really don't want this one thing to tear us apart but it's starting to affect me a bit too much and I'm starting to feel a lot less happy in this relationship, which I really hate to say. I love her.
I’m so sorry to hear about what’s happening. I think the next step to take would be sitting down with her and saying, in a way you know she’ll be most receptive to, that you don’t think this therapist is helping her anymore.
Sometimes the therapist we see isn’t the right ‘fit’ for us, and it’s better to find someone who will actually contribute to our healing. I’ve seen people get worse with the wrong therapist.
I will preface this by saying that I am not a licensed professional, but it sounds like the therapist not only needs to be helping her heal from past experience/trauma or whatever the case may be, but simultaneously be aiding her in building a security in herself.
If you talk to her and meet resistance, in that she thinks her current therapist is helping her, try reiterating that you love her and only want her to get better. I know this may sound bad, but if she has past experience with manipulators or something along those lines, try to approach her while you’re calm and try not to get too emotional.
You know her best though, so you know if the calmer or more emotion-filled route is best.
I really wish you the best and hope things work out for you two. If you need a space to rant, don’t hesitate to send in another ask. If you want a response, or just the space to rant, put at the end of the ask ‘advice?’ for a response or ‘just ranting’ for the space.
♡ if anyone else has advice, please comment
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Oh! Sending in another ask because I forgot! To talk about my girl! Bipolar Kaede! Tbh - I feel like Kaede is also very much ADHD & Autistic too, with her special interest being music/piano. I like to imagine she's somewhat similar to me in the respect that when ADHD hyperfixation combines with a hypomanic episode, she becomes Unstoppable in writing music. Which is exactly what happens to me with fanfic! I have written I think... 20,000 words in one sitting before? You can get Super productive, which is really nice, but I tend to immediately slide into a depressive episode once I come down from a hypomanic one, which is not so nice. Also. You say SO MUCH SHIT YOU REGRET. I think the only times I've ever left negative comments on things were in hypomanic episodes - and like, I wasn't necessarily rude, but I still Would Not have said that if I wasn't in a hypermanic episode. I would have just clicked off instead of saying something was out of character - especially since I DO believe you are completely entitled to write OOC stuff. I do too, though I usually try to mark it someway to show that it's Not my usual interpretation of a character - but that's also the thing! People have different interpretation even if I don't agree with them! Normally I just. Click off of that type of stuff, but in hypomanic episodes - nope. My reasoning goes out the window. I imagine Kaede is very similar to that - not necessarily saying bad stuff, just... maybe a bit more outspoken, without a filter. She probably says super embarrassing things only to after the episode go "why did I say that?!" You Really do overshare. Truly.
I'm actually in a mixed episode right now, which means my filter is somewhat loose still. That's part of why I'm sending in so many asks - I just get really, really passionate when I show hypomanic symptoms. I have So Many thoughts I feel like I'm vibrating.
As for depressive episodes and Kaede, I very much feel that when she was in them, things that she would normally brush off, such as people calling her Piano Freak, would be a lot harder to stomach. I imagine that even friendly teasing that would normally be fine would send her into tears in a depressive episode - she's a lot more fragile and sensitive than she normally is.
Also! I think it would be kind of cool if Kaede had delusions occasionally- I've experienced delusional thinking in hypomanic episodes (when I was young, like, 10 or so? I would look up conspiracy theory YouTube videos when in hypermanic episodes, which I obviously now avoid doing) and I think it would be cool if Kaede had delusions too. Maybe about being a reincarnated musician something? Idk. Also, sometimes in hypermanic or mixed episodes I get really paranoid that people are lying to me/gaslighting me, or they secretly hate me - I imagine she would have this, too, where she would get really paranoid that people don't actually like her. That they're all just lying to her about liking her. I imagine there's even an incident where she snaps at Shuichi to stop pretending to be her friend - which would obviously upset him greatly, and he'd have to convince her that he actually does like her.
Medicine makes bipolar SO much better, in my experience- so a lot of the more extreme symptoms would be when she's not on meds. After she gets on meds, I like to think she stabilizes a lot more! I am always sending my love to Latuda. That shits a miracle drug tbh.
But yeah!!! I can't believe I got so excited about Sato I forgot about my girl Kaede. For shame!
Autistic Kaede my beloved T_T The piano hyperfixation...the scripts for cheering others up and having no idea what to do when someone diverts from it...lots of ultimate students are autistic-coded by nature but Kaede is Up There. (And you could absolutely argue ADHD too!! Lots of comorbidity there.)
I don't talk about this very often here, but I have severe anxiety - like, severe enough that I've talked with my therapist about going on disability - and one of my symptoms was also delusions! Up until about college age, I really genuinely believed that everyone around me could read minds, and was using it to constantly watch me and mock me when I thought anything slightly wrong. I can definitely see Kaede grappling with that type of social paranoia! I think it could feed a lot into her consistently pushing to be friends with everyone, as a way to assuage her own anxieties. And it makes her execution even more tragic, knowing that she's not just breaking down about not being friends with everyone, but that her delusions are also breaking her down on a totally different level.
#asks#anon#ask to tag#long post#sorry to take so long to respond to this! waiting to see the Follower Decree on tagging long posts#+ got a lil nervous talking about my own mental health on here and had to cut it down lmao#kaede akamatsu#meta#v3
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The recent chapter where Max says that it shouldn't have been his family in the hospital but him got me thinking.
Hypothetical for you, I know it goes against Mallory's character to hurt Max. But just imagine she chooses to use the ECT on Max to make him be disgusted/afraid of David instead of targeting David.
How do you see that playing out?
I see Max making himself progressively worse because he would keep running headfirst into the wall of his trauma until he destroyed himself. And David leaving because he can't let Max keep doing this to himself.
But then again, this Max wouldn't hold himself back from chasing David down. Soo...
Oh, this is very good!
While Mallory hurting Max is out of character, what you suggested (Mallory trying to make Max be disgusted of David) was actually part of the plot in lbaf 4 🥲
Now allow me to put my psych degree to use hehe.
There are different kinds of exposure therapy.
Let's look at David's choice:
He follows a type of therapy called graded exposure: the client constructs an exposure fear hierarchy, in which feared objects, activities, or situations are ranked according to difficulty. (looking at max, listening to his voice, being in the same room, touching, kissing, etc) They begin with mildly or moderately difficult exposures, then progress to harder ones.
David has also combined this with general Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) where he talks about his thoughts, fears, and feelings with his therapist.
What he does with Jaden is a type of interoceptive exposure therapy: Deliberately bringing on physical sensations that are harmless, yet feared. Jaden isn't the stimulus that makes David scared/repulsed, but he does have a similar effect (hence why David avoids him in the very beginning). So, David uses Jaden as a method to expose himself to Max while learning to manage his anxiety and repulsion.
NOW. MAX.
First of all, I don't think this shit would go to therapy. (yes david does have experience in dealing with this so he knows better) but i think max, as you correctly said, would just keep running after david (which would only make his repulsion worse).
What Max would do is actually called flooding. Flooding therapy is an intensive type of exposure therapy in which you must face your fear at a maximum level of intensity for an extended amount of time. For example, if you are claustrophobic, you will be locked in a room until you calm the fuck down or if you are scared of snakes, you will be asked to hold the snake until you are not scared. It doesn't always work and can be extremely traumatic if you don't do it with proper assistance.
Max would do exactly this (repeatedly expose himself to David) not as a form of therapy, but simply because he can't stay away and it would keep hurting him.
Maybe in this alternate universe, I can see David going back to France. David leaves Max for his own good. But as you said, Max would follow after him. Max would be mad at himself for many reasons (for mallory, for not being able to get over his repulsion, for hurting his family) and it would just get worse. we also know max suffered a depressive episode in the past so all of this would be entirely unhealthy and would not end well.
THIS WHAT IF WAS INSANE THANK YOU FOR ASKING IT HEHE.
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Even though this may have been asked, have you ever felt like you’re experiences with women have been bad that it would make you feel less of a lesbian?
Lately I’ve been feeling like that when meeting people online and it never goes anywhere and when meeting someone that could be mean or rude to me after a misunderstanding.
Plus my relationship with my mother isn’t very good and my family is complicated and I feel more alone and isolated and they’re the reason I pretty much live an apartment at the age of 25 to get away from the toxicity and abuse.
I felt like giving up and relationships (friendship wise and romantic wise) has been hard. I love women very much but it causes me more pain and I have a hard time explaining with my therapist (which he’s a guy which sounds silly and he’s queer too).
I want to go to this meet up group for lesbians and queer people but I always feel like it’ll go bad.
I hope things will get better..
I’ve felt something a little different, I used to feel like I was less lesbian (or at least not lesbian enough) back when I didn’t have much experiences with women.
Idk how you feel about it, but at least for me it’s harder to have relationships (and I’m including friendships) online because I need to know the person irl. Maybe this is what’s going on as well with you?
Relationships are hard, especially romantic ones. It takes patience and a lot of communication and understanding.
I think you should go to that meet up! You never know if it will go bad or not, but if you go with the mindset that it will be bad, it’s way more likely that it will actually turn out to be bad. So I’d advise to try to be optimistic about it!
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I have a question to ask pertaining to whether or not I'm otherkin and the grey area of "is this a kintype or trauma or both" but I am very aware that while my mind has successfully managed to normalize horrific things to the point where I don't react to profoundly messed up details, other people do, because my numbness to my own circumstances is 100% a survival thing. How do I go about asking people questions about this or seeking resources to read up on psychological otherkin without accidentally triggering someone? I feel like the more I talk about the details of why I find it hard to tell if I have a kintype, a trauma reaction or if it might be both, the more I end up mentioning details of abuse in this life that deeply upset people and make them miserable. And while I don't have high empathy, I also don't particularly enjoy making people miserable, honestly? It's not something that I think is necessary and I'd like to avoid it if I can. But considering I once freaked out my own therapist badly enough she needed to end the session early, I am also now aware that I am not good at gauging what is and isn't 'too much'. So even when I try to avoid accidentally mentioning something horrific from this life, the underlying issue is that I don't know where that line is, which leads to some mishaps.
Eugh, that's rough, I'm sorry. That's a tough one. It may be a question of asking as general of questions as you can at first - asking about kintypes stemming from trauma in general, things like that - and if you feel like you need to get into it further, giving a warning at the start and a "please tell me if I need to stop, it's okay" and then kind of. slowly adding more detail bit by bit, as best you can? That way, at least in theory, people can tap out as soon as they start to get close to their line of "too much," and hopefully you won't end up actually crossing that line by accident. (This also means probably going via DMs where you can send short messages and get responses in real-time, versus asks where that's going to be harder and more annoying for everyone, but there you go.)
Which... is probably not super helpful, and I'm sorry for that, wish I had better advice for you. Maybe someone else has something in the notes?
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