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bestworstcase · 3 years

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on ‘villainy’ and varian’s and cassandra’s moral codes

for all that varian’s and cassandra’s villain arcs get compared to death they’re really more different than they are similar, and i think one of the more interesting distinctions is the characters’ moral perspectives on their own actions--namely that varian recognizes his own choices as villainous and consciously self-identifies as a ‘bad guy’ and cassandra not only…doesn’t do that but appears legitimately taken aback when varian says she’s ‘become the villain.’ from this we can infer that varian is transgressing his own personal sense of right and wrong while cassandra isn’t.

and… well with varian i think it’s pretty straightforward: he’s a kid who desperately wants to make the world a better place and make his father proud, but his impulsivity and recklessness and general disregard for lab safety foil his plans and get him into trouble. then one of his accidents puts his dad into what is essentially a magical coma and varian becomes singularly focused on reviving him--and, when he realizes that the king is more invested in covering up the problem than fixing it and his only hope lies with a zealously guarded relic belonging to the kingdom, he decides that the only way to achieve this goal is to start breaking the rules.

so he asks rapunzel--his friend who promised to help him--to retrieve some information the king is trying to steal from him, and then persuades her to help him access the sundrop vault; then when she balks at stealing it he makes it clear that he no longer trusts her and escapes with the flower. at this point he’s in the morally dubious zone; being strategic about what he tells rapunzel to make sure she helps him, spiking cookies with truth serum to sow chaos and get information he needs, and doing things that are crimes on paper but also largely victimless. i think these were things varian could probably rationalize as okay--not exactly good, but no one got hurt and he got what he needed.

except the flower’s magic is gone. he drugged the palace, manipulated rapunzel and broke her trust in him, and committed treason all for something useless because the actual magic of the sundrop is in rapunzel herself. now he’s in trouble, because he needs rapunzel’s help but his desperate measures guaranteed she won’t be willing to help him again. and this is when varian realizes that his only options are 1. give up on saving his dad and turn himself in and hope rapunzel takes pity on him, or 2. accept that no one is going to help him now and do whatever it takes to free quirin himself.

so--mutating ruddiger, attacking the city, kidnapping arianna and threatening her with encasement in amber, building an automaton army to defend him while he works--these are all things that varian feels are wrong, but chooses to do anyway because he doesn’t trust that anyone else will even try to save his father. despite his anger and his rationalizations, at the end of the day varian sees himself as doing bad things for good reasons. (“Believe me, I know/I’ve sunk pretty low” & “I’m the bad guy, that’s fine”)

and when his reasons fall through--when he fails to free his dad--he falls quickly into guilt and despair over having hurt people for nothing. he stews for a year in how unforgivable and ashamed he feels, and even when he teams up with the separatists, he’s doing it in, basically, pursuit of a reset button: he wants to take back what he did. and when rapunzel shows him that he can be forgiven, he can have a second chance, he does have people who are willing to help him and trust him again, he drops the memory-wiping idea and his alliance with the separatists without a second thought--because what rapunzel actually does is give him a way to pursue his goals without sacrificing his conscience, which is what he really needed the whole time.

now, cassandra, on the other hand…

cass is an interesting character in this regard because, while she does want to be a hero, she’s not at all altruistic. she’s consumed by her lack of autonomy and she craves not only control over her own life but also respect from the people around her--her desire to be a hero is very self-interested, at its core. and moreover she has a somewhat fatalistic view of the world wherein some people (not her) matter and some… just don’t.

moreover cassandra, despite her ambitions of becoming a guard, doesn’t so much as blink at eugene’s or the pub thugs’ criminal pasts--she is suspicious of lance at first, but on the grounds that he’s an unrepentant thief who showed up out of the blue under suspicious circumstances to ‘reconnect’ with his old partner in crime; eugene is also distrustful of lance, for the exact same reasons--and of course she doesn’t think twice about breaking the law herself. literally one of the very first things we see cassandra do is commit treason to make her friend happy. cass doesn’t care about the law, and she only wants to be a guard because she associates getting the job with having her dad’s approval and it’s also her ticket out of lifelong servitude.

on the other hand, cass does seem have a strong sense of right and wrong where people she cares about are concerned. she is constantly putting the desires and well-being of her friends ahead of not just her ambitions (e.g. in beginnings for rapunzel, or great expotations for varian) but also her own safety (e.g. risking her livelihood and home to sneak rapunzel out for the night in bea, or setting aside her misgivings about the sketchy bird people in freebird).

which is all to say--cass isn’t exactly amoral but the moral framework through which she sees the world is… more complicated than varian’s. she doesn’t seem particularly motivated to help strangers but she’ll move mountains to help people she cares about; she doesn’t care much about rules or laws except insofar as she doesn’t want to get caught breaking them, and she has this hierarchical mindset that some people matter--meaning, they get to make decisions for themselves and have people care about what they need and want--and some don’t, and that she herself is stuck in the latter category despite her best efforts to climb out of it.

which brings us to the subject of the moonstone, and cassandra’s villain arc, and why cass, unlike varian, doesn’t consider herself a bad person.

i think what it comes down to most is this: taking the moonstone is an act of defiance against not only rapunzel but also fate itself. waiting in the wings sets up cassandra’s resigned acceptance of this hierarchical order and her own cosmic insignificance, and then in crossing the line she REJECTS that same order. she’s raging against rapunzel but also against the cultural and legal and destined systems that put rapunzel on top and forced cass into subservience. she is very literally fighting for her freedom against the universe itself.

and when cass was not an altruistic or heavily morally motivated or even particularly law-abiding person before, and when her conscience has always been predominantly oriented around taking care of her friends first and herself second, and when the thing that drove her to this breaking point was her friends spitting that back in her face… well.

it’s easy to say “cass literally tried to murder rapunzel a bunch of times, how can she possibly believe she’s the good guy?”--but rapunzel maimed cass, blamed her for it, and consistently prioritized her destiny over cassandra’s wellbeing; and rapunzel represents the cosmic order that cass is fighting to liberate herself from. and while i know that the -popular- take on be very afraid is “cass is terrified of hurting rapunzel,” i submit it’s actually “cass is terrified of having to fight rapunzel, because she still believes that fate is literally tilted in rapunzel’s favor and she can’t win a direct fight with rapunzel.” that’s why she’s so scared; that’s why rapunzel seemingly deleting the red rocks hardens her resolve; that’s why she marches into corona with maximum drama and bluster and builds a fortress and tries so hard to mess with rapunzel’s head before the battle begins. she’s trying to even the odds. and that’s why, when rapunzel stomps her into the curb, cassandra’s immediate response is “i need an army.”

cassandra isn’t scared for rapunzel. she is scared OF rapunzel.

we do also see cass trying not to harm people she considers to be innocent bystanders; she uses the truth serum on varian bc she needs the incantation, but afterwards she doesn’t even bother to restrain him until after he starts pestering her, she says flat out that she doesn’t want him to get hurt when she fights rapunzel; similarly she is willing to hurt calliope to force rapunzel to comply, but--despite her deep personal dislike of calliope--uses a minimum amount of force and again verbally expresses that she doesn’t particularly want to hurt her, that it’s a means to an end and nothing more. attacking rapunzel? that’s fine, rapunzel is her enemy. attacking eugene? of course, he’s rapunzel’s closest ally. mind controlling the brotherhood? that kills two birds with one stone--eliminating powerful enemies with a vested interest in taking the moonstone away from her and turning them into allies who can level the playing field between her and rapunzel. and when she does finally snap and raze corona to the ground? the people of corona attacked her first. i think cass ABSOLUTELY sees herself as fighting a purely defensive war against people who have or will hurt her.

and this is, of course, ultimately why varian failed to get through to her during ‘nothing left to lose’--he appealed to her sense of morality and her sense of morality shrugged.

as for the thing that snaps her out of it? the moment that forces her to question whether she’s really as right as she thinks she is? it’s learning who her new friend really is. it’s the shock of finding out that she’s been allied with, confiding in, taking advice from a legendary villain, from a monster she likely grew up hearing stories about. cass takes it as a given that zhan tiri is evil--and if she’s friends with zhan tiri, what does that make her? and even then, cass is resistant to the idea that she might be a villain--“No, no, I’m nothing like you. Just because I’m pursuing my destiny doesn’t make me a bad person!”--which is, ultimately, very telling of her whole mindset. she’s not a bad guy, she’s fighting for her freedom. she’s not a bad guy, she’s protecting herself against people who want to exploit her. she’s not a bad guy, she’s just putting herself first for once.

and OAH generally, i’d argue, is not actually about cassandra trying to reconcile with rapunzel or redeem herself or be a better person, it’s… literally cass trying frantically to prove she’s NOT the bad guy. it’s “oh yeah? you think i’m a bad person? well could a bad guy do THIS? *lies and impersonates a former coworker and gets up on a stage to justify her own actions in front of a crowd*” it’s “a bad guy wouldn’t apologize, rapunzel never apologized for anything, and to prove i’m a better person I’M going to apologize! see? SEE!?”--and then everyone in corona attacks her and she goes “FINE, i’m the bad guy, fuck you all” and wrecks the place.

only then--only in plus est en vous--does cassandra get into a mindset similar to varian’s, of “i am the bad guy but if i can pull this off it will be worth it.” she’s not sorry. she still sees rapunzel as an enemy trying to get her under control again, and the only thing that’s really changed is cassandra acknowledging that she has in fact done bad things too.

and… i would argue that by the end of plus est cassandra… feels some guilt but isn’t sorry. “i’ve failed” and “i’ve done terrible things” and “i tried to prove i was more than everyone thought but they were right”--her anguish is not like varian’s anguish in RR, where he was consumed with despair because no one could possibly forgive him for the things he did. cassandra is upset because she did awful things and failed and she perceives that failure as proof of her own worthlessness. she’s right back to feeling how she felt in waiting in the wings but with a hefty new helping of self-disgust and shame for having been stupid enough to believe she could change anything for herself.

she’s not sorry. she’s not pleading for forgiveness. she just wants rapunzel to give up and leave her alone--& then, after rapunzel convinces her that she’s wrong, and she does have worth as a person, and she does have a destiny of her own, cass does what’s necessary to clean up the crisis she created and then… just bounces. she gets the freedom she wanted and leaves without a backward glance.

(which. good for her.)

tl;dr: varian’s villain arc explores his moral scruples and what it takes for him to be willing to ignore them, whereas cassandra’s villain arc explores her incendiary reaction to a lifetime of injustices; she isn’t amoral but her sense of right and wrong is, unlike varian’s, very contextual and personal. varian is a pragmatic idealist who wants to be lawful good but is capable of setting his own morals aside in pursuit of a goal he considers to be important enough, and cassandra is one radicalizing incident away from realizing that her grievances are not a unique personal failing but a systemic problem and then leading a class uprising.

#tts

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xiyao-feels · 3 years

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@hqfeels

Oh man, as someone who loves 3zun, and thinks the mess of intertwining relationships is what makes it interesting, I really should not have read this post - while I think you make some interesting points for a different interpretation of the Nielan relationship, I would also caution against basing your interpretation so closely to the words of what is a translation

e.g. when you discuss LXC not framing things in terms of the sworn brother relationship, you point to the use of “one of his sworn brothers” vs “my” or “our” - chinese doesn’t always use pronouns, so it could very well be the translator having to fill in

I make note of this, not as a nitpick, but bc I think it goes to the heart of the framing of the relationship. Because I think Xiyao is fundamentally framed within the 3zun context - after all, what does JGY call LXC to show they’re close? Er-ge. “2”, not just Ge. NMJ, as Da-ge eternally haunts their relationship. The point of rejection from LXC? You don’t have to call me Er-ge anymore.

So, hey! I appreciate that you said you shouldn't have read my post, but I thought your points were worth addressing, and since you left comments in the notes I figured it was reasonable to respond. If you don't want to read this post, I completely understand, and I've left a bunch of empty lines after this paragraph so you don't have to read it if you don't want to.

The point about relying too heavily on exact shades of meaning is definitely a good one. Reading over my post, however, I think there are only three places where I do that; the point identified, later for one point in my discussion of QHJ's teacher, and actually later in the temple when I talk about the "sob" of Liebing as some evidence for LXC's grief for NMJ.

I think it's worth asking: how much does any one of these points contribute to the argument? They're definitely not irrelevant, or I wouldn't have pointed them out, but even so there's only so much wiggle room. No matter what pronouns he uses, for example, LXC only spends one clause of that speech directly on JGY killing NMJ, and it's in the context of, well, a general lack of reaction of personal grief. If—not even if he actually said 'our sworn brother' or 'my sworn brother,' I do think that would be some evidence of personal betrayal, even if it has to be considered in light of the rest of his reactions and non-reactions. But if, in the original text, the Chinese simply didn't specify the pronouns such that "his" is the translator's best guess—I just don't see that as a serious blow to the argument, given the consistency of the pattern as a whole, and I think it's kind of cherry-picking to suggest that it is.

Second, I don't think the pronoun there is ambiguous as is suggested. Consider the phrasing; it's not just "his sworn brother," it's "one of his sworn brothers." Supposing that "his" wasn't present in the original text. "One of my sworn brothers"? "One of our sworn brothers"? Neither really makes sense. Of course, perhaps they might make more sense in Chinese; but that's a little further than "what if the translator had to pick a pronoun."

Now, I think the above points are worth considering on their own merits, which is why I brought them up first. However, I have to say: I did, actually, check the Chinese, for the "one of his sworn brothers" and indeed in multiple places. I didn't mention it in the post for the same reason I usually try not to rely on it in my posts: because I feel like I'd end up setting myself up as some kind of authority when I'm very much not, and because I'm frequently fairly confused XP I have, what, one term of Mandarin, some amount of self-study, and Pleco installed on my phone. But I do often look at the original text and try to work things out, and sometimes I learn stuff that's been lost in translation, and often I can go well, my best guess aligns with the translation. If you want to confirm for yourself, and I encourage you to do so!!, then you can look at the text here: https://www.kunnu.com/modaozushi/. It's in chapter 64.

This is the clause about JGY killing one of his sworn brothers: 他设计杀害了自己的一位义兄 ("that he planned to kill one of his sworn brothers"). The pronoun before "one of his sworn brothers" is 自己, which is a pronoun referring to the subject of the sentence—in this case 他, he, JGY. Now, could I be wrong? Of course! Should anyone rely on uncited statements from a total stranger? No! I strongly encourage people to check this out for themselves, and if someone who actually does speak Chinese wants to offer some guidance I'd be very grateful. But given that it matched the translation from people who do actually speak both Chinese and English, it seemed enough to allow me to rely on the translation.

On that note, actually, I'll admit I missed a trick. "我父亲的一位恩师", one of my father's teachers—"teacher" there is 恩师, which Pleco gives me as "mentor; one's kind and respected master (or teacher)." So it does have more of an emotional edge, and I'll edit the post to acknowledge this. Even so, I think it's worth remembering both that it's one word, he's not adding lots of adjectives about the teacher, and most importantly that the teacher simply isn't lingered on. The effects of his mother killing the teacher, yes, and the contrast between his memories of his mother and the fact that she did kill his father's teacher...but the teacher himself is just not dwelled on.

(For completion's sake, the "sob" of Liebing in ch 107 is "呜咽", which Pleco gives as 1) sob, whimper 2) (of water, wind, stringed instrument, etc) weep; wail; lament; mourn.)

But again, quibbling over phrasing is to some extent a distraction. The important thing is not so much any one incident as the pattern they form, considered together; this is why my original post was so long, because I was trying to consider the overall pattern, and I think the comment about framing is pointing at the same thing. So it's worth asking: are xi//yao framed in terms of the 3//zun relationship?

In fact, I think this divides into two questions. First: does the text frame xi//yao in terms of the 3//zun relationship? And second: do xi//yao understand their relationship fundamentally in terms of the 3//zun relationship? I think you could make more of an argument on the first one, or at least, xi//yao and NMJ are part of their own narrative in the text and often show up together. But in terms of the actual relationship, it's the second question I'm interested in here, and I think the answer is very much no.

First of all, a note on timelines. In MDZS, LXC and JGY knew each other for about seventeen years; they were sworn brothers with NMJ for about four. To put this another way, they were sworn brothers with NMJ for less than a quarter of their overall time together. Moreover, they had significant time without NMJ before they all became sworn brothers, as well as after his death. Now, much of their relationship is revealed to us through Empathy, which necessarily limits us to when NMJ was alive, and moreover shows us only those of their moments together that he happens to see, so it's understandable that these years dominate our view, but I do think it's important to remember.

Okay, now let's consider what we see of their relationship. Given how much of it we see through NMJ's eyes, it's in fact remarkable how much it isn't about him. In the first conversation we see them have together, LXC is proposing that MY stop being NMJ's deputy and go serve his father in Langya (though only after confirming that's still what MY wants, note—and which he knows MY had wanted because MY literally told him!). When MY says he does want it but he owes NMJ, LXC says he thinks NMJ will understand but volunteers to talk with NMJ himself if he doesn't. Neither of them have told NMJ they know each other; after NMJ comes in, when he seeks to find out how they do, asking LXC and then ordering MY to speak after LXC refuses, they don't tell him. I'm not saying either of them are unhappy with NMJ here—quite the contrary!—but there's no sign they see the other, or their relationship with each other, fundamentally in terms of him. (For a close reading of the scene, as ever, I recommend confusion-and-more's post here.)

Furthermore, in MDZS, after MY flees from NMJ in Langya and becomes a spy, he starts sending LXC letters with information, and LXC works out who it is. As with pretty much everything we see about them, this suggests a quite astonishing intimacy—that MY was able to trust that LXC would work it out, and that LXC did. Not only did NMJ not know who the spy was, in MDZS he didn't know there was a spy at all—LXC concealed it from him entirely. Now, this is obviously very solid practice for spies, but again—you have xiyao together, and NMJ apart. (I'll also note that in MDZS LXC is exchanging blows with NMJ sword to saber until the very end of the post-Sun Palace confrontation, even after MY steps forward; he definitely does not seem to think that NMJ has any sort of right, here.)

At the Phoenix Mountain Hunt, we see them together but, again, not with NMJ, and there's no suggestion that LXC had socialized with him particularly—JGY is aware of how much prey he's taken, but of course JGY is running the hunt. Then when they both go off at the end of the scene to expand the hunting grounds, LXC asks LWJ if he'd like to help, but there's zero suggestion that they're going to seek out NMJ, even though he's part of the reason JGY needs to expand the hunting grounds.

In chapter 73, LXC and JGY are talking after the conference. Then NMJ comes over and comments disapprovingly about JGY. Again, LXC doesn't actually speak a single word after NMJ joins them. This... really does not suggest perceiving him and JGY as fundamentally part of that triad, imho.

The guqin scene: LXC and JGY are very much focused on each other. Only LXC talks with NMJ at all, and only once, briefly, answering his objection. NMJ is described as looking up before his objection, which suggests to me that he/wasn't/ looking up before. Meanwhile LXC and JGY are complimenting each other's playing, LXC is offering to teach him exclusive teachings, and JGY is telling LXC about his mother. You could reasonably say LXC teaching JGY the Song of Clarity is or is partly about NMJ—his desire again for them to reconcile—but in their interactions they are focused on each other to an almost absurd extent, and not NMJ.

The discussion conference mentioned in chapter 30? We're told NMJ wasn't originally planning to go; it seems likely that we would have been told if the same was true of LXC, given that LWJ is the one telling us about it. So, again, we have JGY and LXC together, and NMJ only coming in for outside reasons.

At the beginning of the stairs conflict, when NMJ comes in and calls JGY out, we see that JGY and LXC are discussing something, with "notes of all colours" on the desk before them. WWX is later going to realize they're discussing the watchtowers, which even now, well before he's Jin-zongzhu, JGY is trying to convince his father to build; there's no sign, on the other hand, that NMJ even knows what they're working on.

Their last interaction before NMJ's death /is/ about NMJ, with JGY very upset and LXC defending the idea that NMJ hasn't rejected JGY completely. But again this doesn't suggest that they view their relationship fundamentally in terms of their relationship with NMJ, and as we've seen it's not what they're usually talking about.

I talk here about two patterns of 3//zun interaction in the Empathy chapters: broadly, MY/JGY and LXC talking privately and NMJ coming and interrupting them, and NMJ attacking MY/JGY, and LXC intervening.

Looking over their interactions, the text does not, to me, suggest that LXC and JGYview their relationship fundamentally in terms of NMJ or of 3//zun.

And again—LXC doesn't bring up NMJ in the temple, and he only reacts to NMJ-as-NMJ three brief times.

Now, it is of course true that JGY calls LXC er-ge as a sign of closeness, and that he's 'er-ge' because NMJ is the first brother. However, a few points.

First, I would argue that it's a recurring theme in MDZS (and /especially/ for JGY) that the form of a relationship doesn't necessarily match what the relationship actually is; the form, therefore, might be an interesting point to consider, but it must be considered in light of the evidence we have about their actual relationship.

Second, JGY calls LXC er-ge a full thirteen times in the temple chapters. Once in chapter 99, when he's responding to LXC about JL; twice in chapter 100, discussing NHS; in chapter 105, three times leading up to his explanation of the letter; six full times when answering LXC's questions in chapter 106; and then once in chapter 108 when he is literally asking LXC for protection from NMJ's fierce corpse.

Once and only once, on the last er-ge in chapter 105, does LXC respond to being called er-ge, though we're told he did so earlier off-page. And—well, look at the paragraph:

His tone was more than earnest. Ever since he captured Lan XiChen, he’d indeed been treating him with respect. At this point, Lan XiChen wasn’t able to turn against him yet. He could only sigh, “Sect Leader Jin, I have already said, when you went your own way to scheme such havoc at Burial Mound, that there was no longer the need to call me ‘Brother.’”

This is not only not framed as an essential rejection, it's framed as explicitly /not/ that: "Lan XiChen wasn't able to turn against him yet." And again, as I pointed out in my post, we're explicitly given a reason for it that has absolutely nothing to do with NMJ! 'Don't call me er-ge because you killed da-ge' would be very natural; the fact that it's explicitly not about that suggests strongly to me that they simply don't think of 'er-ge' in terms of its relation to NMJ, despite the form.

#ship negativity cw #that damn bingo post #a gentle warmth filling the deepest of needs #profound philosophical differences #we can't change places #anger burned in his heart #the best of men #more than one tag could contain #long meta

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slightlyrebelliouswriter23 · 3 years

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helloo so from what i understand, you’re bi right? if so, how did u know you were bi? cause i am very lost bc sometimes guys are hot but rarely ever the ones actually in my life, but most girls are just so pretty, and idk if my head is omg pretty or omg pretty🥵

hi there, lovely! i do indeed identify as bi. 🥰

i actually figured this out in the most on-brand way possible, and that was by reading a book wherein the main character figures out they're bi. i identified with many of the thoughts that led them to this realisation, and after some consideration, i decided it wasn't just the thoughts i was identifying with. it was the identity itself. (this is hard and takes a lot of introspection and asking yourself "why" and "what if" and "would i" over and over again, but it'll feel more natural to ask these things the more you do it).

but my sexuality is actually a lot more complicated than that. i've identified as demisexual for a lot longer than i've identified as bi. which is probably why it took me so long to really parse out my attraction to more than just men. i don't experience attraction the way most people do.

i didn't identify with the "normal" teenage experiences of getting flustered by the popular kids just because they were pretty, or getting worked up over a celebrity i didn't know much about. i can count on one hand the number of boys i had a crush on in high school, and most of them were people i was already on friendly terms with before i realised i liked them. i don't get butterflies in my stomach when i look at pretty strangers, and though i can appreciate and acknowledge their beauty, it doesn't make me want to like...... bone them lmao.

even now, openly bi as i am for 3ish years, i still question myself. am i actually attracted to women or do i just appreciate their aesthetic beauty because we're (typically) socialised to put more effort into our appearance than men? do i want to be with a woman or do i just want to be her? being someone who 1) has never been with a woman and 2) doesn't experience instantaneous attraction, no answer is easily wrested.

but this line of thought is also part of the bi experience, i'm told, so it doesn't feel wrong, just confusing sometimes, and i just try to remind myself that the questioning is good. it is so, so good. because it led me here, to a place where i'm more confident and comfortable with myself than ever.

my advice to anyone questioning their sexuality is first to remember that you don't ever have to identify as anything if it doesn't serve you. labels are there if you want them and if they help you feel more connected to yourself. they are less labels, really, and more tools to help you see yourself, to help other people see you (if you want them to).

and second, remember that you can ALWAYS change your mind. sexuality is fluid, not static. we're not things to fit into neat little boxes with labels about who we'll sleep with or who we'll want to plan our lives with, wrapped up in a pretty bow forever. we're messy and nebulous and ever-changing. even the cells in our body dictate that we are entirely different people every 7 years, so why would our preferences remain completely unchanged?

so i think "bi" works for me now, but maybe in ten years i'll feel more connected to "pan" and maybe ten years after that they'll have come up with some other word that i'll feel more aligned with. and maybe i won't, who knows? only me, whenever i get there.

anyways, nonnie, sorry for this tangential ramble. i hope this helped even a little. and i'm wishing you much luck and love in wherever your questioning takes you ❤️❤️❤️

#rip this was longer than intended 💀#anygayyyssss #happy pride 🌈#lgbt #bisexual #demisexual #asked and answered #nonnie #personal

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stargirlfics · 3 years

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You’re talking to a stranger pretending to be a fictional character and acting all little with them and I’m the creepy one? No beb, just annoyed with people that claim they identify with dd/lg when it’s clearly not genuine and really just some kink they like. If you’re so quick to act like this with a total stranger it says a lot about your take on the dd/lg and d/s community but I disgress. I was gonna just ignore your rude reply but you have no right to call me the creepy one in this situation. I admired your writing skills so I was just shocked that you were entertaining this but I take full blame for starting it. I will just leave it at that.

Then unfollow and block me

Your mistake was deciding to approach your feelings about it in the way you did, so I matched your energy

Instead of saying hey this is why I find issue with this from the get go, what did you do? Gave me nothing to work with other than a message that anyone would see as: hmm this person seems to be upset and idk what for and doesn’t seem to be warranted bc idk what their reasons are

You’re a stranger to me too and as much as you think you know me, you don’t bc we’ve never met. We are strangers. Mentally I guard myself a little from trusting anonymity here, including you, you have to on the internet so me entertaining this is me entertaining every other anonymous ask I’ve gotten where we discuss very serious manners and light hearted stuff too, while also knowing that kinks/bdsm/ddlg require more serious thought than that

Second because I’ve promised to stand up for myself more:

My interest in ddlg and d/s is genuine beb, your issues with this or with how I engage in ddlg in my actual personal life outside of here which you know very little about and how I engage with it here are not my problem to tailor to you or whatever it is you want from me, I interact with dozens of anonymous people a day writing on here, maybe you should have given some thought as to why a Steve anon doesn’t phase me like it does for you without implying that somehow I don’t take ddlg seriously

Wait till you find out about role playing games on here and other places where it’s the same exact concept with different subjects and genres!

You are in the same boat as me in that we are always going to be learning right, so what you know and what I know about ddlg may be at different levels, what you think is safe practice may not be something I thought of or knew of, what I consider ddlg may be different from you and that’s fine and dandy

My understanding of ddlg is about as serious as you can get, there’s a lot that needs to be carefully thought out when pertaining to ddlg or d/s but my interactions with a random Steve anon here are not anywhere near me acting Little the way I would with my actual partner irl bc that’s for him and him alone and there’s a level of trust that is there, I may give responses that seem little but you don’t need to concern yourself with that

You don’t have to like me or like how I talk or what I say here, I accept that sometimes people just aren’t going to agree with me or something I said or did but find a better way to address your concerns, now I’m pressed you decided to even approach youR concern that way which is rude, it tells me you don’t respect me enough to have a convo with me about what you see is wrong and then you’re somehow upset I was rude back, you get what you give

#asks

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reeeyachi · 4 years

Text

Thoughts: KilluGon Confession, Gon’s Emotional Control

Okay, so, this is a follow up post to my response/reaction/emotions on Tele’s post about KilluGon potentially canon explicit romantic confession. (Her detailed explanation was wonderful and beautiful and excellent, I just wanted to make a separate post on my thoughts because my brain is screaming into the void rn.)

Ok disclaimer: I’m working with the remainder of my caffeinated braincells right now so everything I say will be 100% subjective and just *thoughts* aka *mush*.

So…

I’ve also had/believed this headcanon that Gon fell first since I started watching hxh years ago because it’s too obvious, right? Tbh, I never thought of Killua being gay for Gon until recently (like 8 months ago-recently) because it’s always Gon who’s explicit about his thoughts on Killua. It’s too obvious. We could never miss it. So him confessing his love for him would make so much sense. Everything falls into place in my head.

Lea said some really good stuff about Killua’s character arc and how it sends a positive message to all the readers and everyone who identifies with him, a child who suffered from years of abuse. And him receiving love, accepting it and giving it in return would complete his growth process (I’m basically just summarizing here; please read Tele’s post they’re much more comprehensive and well-written).

A dramatic romantic confession to happen in canon would be the one to seal it – from Gon, a complete stranger he randomly met at the Hunter Exam, the first person to call him a friend, the person who went out of his way to save him from his family’s tortures, the boy who accepted him for who he is, wholly, unconditionally.

It would change everything. It would end past traumas.

Not only Killua’s, but also Gon’s.

Please allow me to lay down my 4am thoughts about what I think confessing his feelings for Killua would mean for Gon as well (with regard to his own character arc and self-worth issues).

Okay so before I go into that I want to try and explain how “confessing love” feels like / what it means to the person SAYING it. It’s nerve-racking. The tension. The pressure on your shoulders. The block in your throat. Your shaky hands. Your shaky voice. The fear of getting rejected. The fear of saying the wrong words or doing the wrong thing. The fear of jumping into the unknown. It’s a leap of faith. An ending and/or a beginning. It’s that line you cross where you can never go back. Once the words are said, BAM, it stays forever, and the very thought of that, the anxiety, the overthinking, nips at your brain.

The very thought of confessing to a person you like/love FOR THE FIRST TIME is fucking terrifying (Idk about you, but it is to me. And I feel like, for TEENAGERS, it would feel like hell’s pulling them to the earth’s core. Just. The thought of it.)

What I’m trying to say here is that, expressing genuine *romantic* feelings takes courage. And in this headcanon, with Gon being the one to SAY IT FIRST, he would probably go through all of these. But him being ABLE to say it would mean MORE THAN overcoming a fear of expressing. “But Gon doesn’t have any problems expressing his emotions.” Actually, you’re not wrong. But, for me, this isn’t exactly right.

Let’s jump first to me explaining my take on how Gon handles emotions:

For me, Gon has a hard time expressing what’s in his heart. Idk how to explain, but it’s just that, it’s so easy for him to say what’s on his mind all the time. But he has a tendency of neglecting negative emotions and hiding his true feelings; or letting himself feel it for a while but then he finds something that would make him forget about it. We’ve seen him breakdown. Emotions. Just piled up. And he exploded.

He said some bad things to Killua, he did some bad stuff. It’s all in the heat of the moment. And for me, I see it as lack of emotional control (bc he’s 12 and has abandonment issues and witnessed his father-figure severe his arm and basically dead in front of him give him a break YOU BREAKDOWN AND SAY BAD THINGS TO PEOPLE YOU LOVE AT 23Y/O DO NOT DENY IT) because he doesn’t know HOW to control it when it gets to him.

He’s afraid that he might break. And in effect, he would feel weak and helpless and useless. (Or even vice versa.)

Gon, unknowingly, protects himself from breaking by inserting the good things in his head. He protects himself from feeling useless by lending a helping hand, because he feels that he’s valuable that way; he feels that he’ll be loved and validated that way. He’d feel that he has purpose. It happens to people, which isn’t a bad thing at all, but it’s something that Gon could learn how to cope up with as he grows and matures.

(Read Tele’s wonderful meta about Gon Freecss here. I haven’t finished reading but I’m loving every bit of it so far.)

Ok back to the confession take:

Having said that, I feel that Gon would find it difficult to express what it is he’s feeling in his heart. But here we have to recognize the fact that Togashi threw him back in Whale Island, nen-less and Killua-less, doing homework and chores and good ‘ol Islander stuff. The beauty of this interval is that it would give him MORE TIME and the SPACE and PEACE he needs to get into his head and heart and just think everything through, learn how to deal with his emotions. Since he already experienced a peak of his emotional catastrophe at 12y/o, he would look back at everything and just… realize what it is that he has to.

Part of it is his feelings for you-know-who catboy. <3

And he wants to tell him. I also think that he would want something to happen after telling him. But, he doesn’t know if or how he could say it freely, unlike before when they were stargazing and he suddenly told him that he happy when he’s with Killua. At that time, it was a spur of the moment; at that time, him and Killua haven’t experienced the trauma that is CAA; at that time, it was simple. But now? How could Gon face him and tell him that he loves Killua after everything that had happened? Something would hold him back. He would hesitate. Something like…

So, again, him being able to say it (for me) would mean so much more than a simple get-together. Here’s a short list because I love lists!

Self-discovery and self-affirmation. You know how we see Gon as this sunshine boy who just wants to follow his dad’s footsteps to try and figure out what being a hunter is like / what’s great about being a hunter that Ging chose to not stay with him. At the present timeline, he already met Ging, he fulfilled his goal. What would he do now? What does he truly want? For me, him knowing that he *loves* someone dearly and *wants* to stay with that person would mean that he’s discovering which path he intends to go, for the long-term, and that sticking with that plan by expressing what he feels would simply affirm this self-discovery. It’s kind of related to that post by Tele here, of Gon following a path that’s not his dad’s footsteps. He’d have his own thing. He’d be his own person. Confessing your true feelings to your BEST FRIEND in the whole world would be a BIG STEP and Gon should know that it shouldn’t be taken lightly. It’s a very mature thing to do! When this becomes canon, idk, I’d cry because I’d be so proud of him for realizing what he feels, taking that emotion carefully and maturely, and expressing it lovingly – which brings me to my next point.

Being open to give and accept love again. Emphasize on the “again” because he went through a traumatic episode in his young life. You know that saying that you can never give what you don’t have? Well, folks, I think this is also applicable to Gon’s character now, like, after CAA, and after everything basically. We always see him giving love to OTHERS. Do we see him give love to himself? Gon endures pain and suffering because he thought it’s what he deserved. He’s willing to die in his best friend’s place so that he’d live. He’s willing to die to atone for something he didn’t even do. Gon needed to love himself. He had to learn how to take care of himself. You can never give a love you don’t have – so him dropping everything and professing his love for Killua would also mean that he DID it, finally. He’d have so much love for himself to give. He’d be ready to give all the love he stored for himself, and I think that’s really pretty.

Overcoming past trauma / getting back up on his feet. Having said all those, it all boils down to overcoming and ending past trauma – everything – because it would be a start of something new and fresh and beautiful. It would be a beginning of a new world for him, bright, spotless, unadulterated. When you fall in love, everything falls into place somehow, and all you see are beautiful things. I think this is meaningful because, while he’d seen beautiful things, Gon experienced abandonment, he experienced trauma and all the awful things we saw so far. So, with this confession happening, this new beginning, he’d look at the world with brand new eyes, he’d look at Killua, and think that it’s not so bad after all, because he’d have this overflowing love stored in his heart. It would cancel out the bad. He’d have another reason to live and stay alive. He’d have that one thing he wants more than any material thing – and that is love and happiness. Confessing is a choice. And by doing it, Gon chooses love and happiness over any material thing he wished to hunt.

I don’t know if that made sense but there! lol This might be reaching but just imagine the symbolism. It would mean so much. <3

#hunter x hunter #gon freecss #hxh meta #i just wrote a full essay to explain a headcanon what am i doing does this make sense idk but here we are #if you've read this congratulations and welcome to my brainrot and ty haha #anyway! i have a lot of gon thoughts might share them someday idk #hxh headcanons

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someobscurereference · 3 years

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HORROR TROPE OPINION TIME!! what are your thoughts on: werewolves, dopplegangers, body horror, haunted houses?

Horror tropes!! You love to see it!!! (Also, obvious TW for all the stuff I link below. I'm discussing horror here.)

Werewolves: "When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it."

But also, just like. The heavy knowledge that you are a beast in sheep's clothing. There Is Something Wrong With You. Looking at your mom or your sister or your boyfriend and thinking about the blood on your teeth. The blood on their teeth. The copper between you. The dead meat in your garden.

Werewolves are very funny and can be done in super funny ways, but when it's Serious wolf time? Like full on running in the woods, heart pounding in your ears in fear, knowing there's only seconds before its you on your back in the cold dirt and your friend's teeth at your throat? Both of you standing on a knife's edge and you can fall either way? That's good.

Also don't even get me started on the metaphors for Werewolfism and The Other and what it means to identify with The Beast.

Doppelgangers: Doppelgangers! A thing that looks like you but isn't! I think this is a very good horror trope, but my earlier introduction to it was always from the perspective of the doppelganger??? Like. The copy looking at the body of the original person and thinking "that wasn't me but we were the same and now I've killed the original but I Feel like the original but who knows what the truth is; one of us is dead and it isn't me but who was that person, did they deserve more, could we both have lived, who is this stranger with my face could we have been the same once or if not who was I before--"

I'm rambling because it's hard to put into words but I think Doppelganger horror can work very well, but it overlaps a lot with the meaning of Identity and Who Gets To Live; Can We Both Live and other intrinsic questions that are interesting but hard to answer sometimes, depending on the story. I'm always very interested in the Doppelganger's POV more so than the original person's.

But also, like. The movies The Thing and Us are popular for obvious reasons, lol. So I think this is a trope that can be done well from either POV, but I also think it can be harder to pull off than your standard ghost story in a way too, depending on what you're trying to do with it.

Body Horror: This one is a little tough to answer because I think the many types of body horror can vary so much? I said before that I don't enjoy the Saw franchise or really Final Destination because they do a lot of gore and body horror that I find very gratuitous, and I don't care for that or appreciate that at all. I don't care for body horror that's just blood and gore for no reason. But also, I think being a werewolf counts as body horror in some genres, and I like that a lot.

I think I did a lot of body horror with my "that girl is a monster" series. Like, "this is a creature that mimics humans and was maybe or maybe not human at one time and now they're the rotting corpse equivalent to a venus flytrap" is a concept of body horror that I like! And that's just one of many examples of how you could with it! TMA (although again I've never finished it) did a lot of good body horror stuff in that regard too, and that was cool. (Like Jane Prentiss? The concept of "aw shit it's that bug woman again" that was a little funny in conception bc Jon didn't believe in shit until suddenly it wasn't funny and the characters were being chased by the horrific bug woman? That was good!)

I don't think body horror has to necessarily be visually dark or gory to be horrific either! Like I would consider this art to be body horror, technically. It's not really meant to be horrific in its intention, I think, but like! Growth as a literal growth! You have intrinsically changed "for the better" and also it's painful and you have tree limbs in your lungs! That's body horror!

(But also, just to be clear, this bloody art of a scene from RE7 is for sure up my alley too. So straight gore body horror is fine for me so long as the style is cool or something is being said here. If you're doing just Saw stuff, I'm not interested, but this beating heart with flowers and this art of Henry Fire Emblem being gored up by some crows are good examples of body horror I enjoy)

So tl;dr I do like body horror, but if you're not an artist with an aesthetic I love, I'm skipping your gore scenes and going straight to the monster transformation

Haunted Houses: This is. The ultimate trope for me. A haunted house. A haunted person. A haunting.

I feel like this one is hard to answer for me, so just know that 1. I love haunted houses and hauntings very much, 2. I think The Haunting of Hill House and The Haunting of Bly Manor are two types of Very Different haunting stories and I view both of them as Very Good in different ways, and 3. here are some links that I like that might help you identify how I feel about hauntings in other ways

xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx xxx

#i love horror thank u anon #horror tw #asks #queue #my text #horror #body horror #gore #also i think hauntings can be horrific or romantic or both #tragic and horrific at the same time #hauntings are many things and they're good #as a side note i do not think ghosts are real irl or they do not at least function like people think they do #but i love tropes #long post #for mobile users

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leo-culture-technology · 3 years

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I don't really have anything specific in mind, I'm actually kinda lost as to what to look for jkjsksjk I know I identify with some traits, like sensory issues and difficulty communicating (I do have a diagnosis of social phobia, though I've been thinking maybe autism would better explain other aspects of my life beyond social interaction). I've been reading some articles regarding late discovering of autism and mostly looking for experiences, so I can compare to my own. I feel like I should be looking for something else but I don't really know what? lmao I don't think that was really helpful, anything you can share would be good to me

This is a really long post so I'm going to put it under a read more to not clog up other people's feeds but I think the main areas to cover are:

- verbal communication issues

was your vocabulary/reading ever under/over developed as a child? Having a really advanced vocabulary is just as much a sign of autism as having delayed development in this area. Also, having a very hard to pin down accent, or taking on others' accents Really easily is common amongst autistic people. Do you ever have trouble speaking? I experience selective mutism and when I'm overwhelmed/stressed/upset I often find it hard to speak out loud and have to communicate through messages/notes, though when I'm not mute I'm very eloquent and have always had a vocabulary that was advanced, other kids found it hard to talk to me when I was younger bc they couldn't understand me, but equally comprehension/vocabulary can be delayed/compromised and you might find it hard to understand others because you struggle with that sort of thing yourself. Do you have issues with your tone of voice ever? I find that I can't read my own tone of voice or my volume, some things will come out really bitchy-sounding or angry-sounding and I won't be able to tell, or I might be shouting and not know it because it all sounds the same in my head really.

- sensory issues

do you have issues with certain types of sound? volume? quantity? volume doesn't bother me, but too many different sources of noise will send me into a meltdown so fast. Do you struggle with certain smells, bright lights, tastes, textures of food or of clothing, certain sensations, for example I get really stressed out by having wet skin/hair, and I can't stand the sound/feeling of something rubbing over carpet. I also find some tastes to be overwhelming. Under-sensitivity or processing issues can also be a symptom. Do you ever struggle to process reading/listening to something? I have absolutely awful retention for auditory information, I can't hold more than around 4-5 words in my mind at any one time, and I can't follow auditory instructions at all if there's more than one step, it needs to be written down. I also often struggle to read things because I don't process the words and they just look like meaningless letters on a page to me. I also really struggle to process my own thoughts and order them, I'm able to talk out loud but there are times where I can't write my thoughts without speaking them first because ordering my thoughts while they're still inside my head is very difficult. I also have an under-sensitive sense of smell and taste at times. I can't even smell when meat has gone bad and everyone else I know says it really stinks, and like I can't tell the difference between chicken gravy and onion gravy, for example, because they taste almost identical to me. And senses aren't just the basic five, either. Do you have a particularly high OR low pain threshold? interoception is the perception of bodily functions. Do you have trouble identifying/noticing when you're hungry/thirsty or when you need to go to the toilet e.g. you didn't need to go pee a minute ago but now you're Suddenly absolutely bursting to go because you didn't notice it earlier at all. Proprioception is your perception of your movements, balance and of where your limbs are in relation to your surroundings. Do you bump into things or fall over seemingly nothing a lot? Have you ever been told/noticed you move "strangely"? Do you ever walk sort of on your tiptoes or toes-first rather than heels-first?

- social issues

do you have trouble reading body language? facial expressions? figurative language? tone of voice? not every autistic person will experience all of the above, I know people who can't read body language but can read tone of voice, or can't read figurative language but can read facial expressions, etc. etc. Personally I struggle with tone of voice a lot, I can't tell when people are being serious or not, or whether they're upset or not, tone of voice doesn't really tell me anything about how they're feeling of what they mean. Figurative language varies, I understand metaphors and I often understand sarcasm, although I won't get it if it's too deadpan, and I sometimes miss hyperbole and think people are being serious. I also can't tell whether people are teasing me or genuinely being mean the vast majority of the time. I tend to rely on speech patterns and word choice a lot to understand people, personally. I pick up on what sorts of words they use in what moods and use that largely to inform my interpretations of their current mood based on the words they're choosing. Do you ever struggle understanding what is/isn't socially appropriate? I overshare a lot bc I don't rlly understand what is "too much information" and what isn't, and I also don't understand really how to treat people differently based on their "social role", like I treat someone like a friend regardless of whether they're a stranger, a classmate, a friend, a family member, a colleague, a boss, a teacher, etc.

- need for routine/dislike of sudden/significant change

this isn't always as clear as like needing an entire day to be a routine, it can be little things. I'll give some examples: I have to brush my teeth in a specific way - I count the number of passes of the brush over each section of my teeth, I have to eat a sandwich in a specific order of bites, many food places I will order the same thing every/nearly every time and I will eat that order in the same way, I wash my body/hair in a certain way/order in the shower every time, sometimes I get weirdly obsessed with symmetry and I have to walk in a certain way and if I step "wrong" I have to hop around on one leg until I feel "balanced" again, I have to do my daily tasks on genshin impact in a certain order, etc. etc. I could probably think of more if I tried. I will often get distressed/overwhelmed/upset if any of these "routines" are disrupted somehow. My original method of eating a sandwich applied to when they're cut across into rectangles, so I used to hate eating triangle sandwiches because I couldn't eat them "correctly" until I figured out a similar way to eat triangle sandwiches, and now I Have to eat them in that way because it's "correct" and I'll feel uncomfortable otherwise. Note that this isn't like OCD because it's not anxiety-based, it's based on the fact that it feels like the "correct" way to do it, and that any other way is simply "wrong" and you don't like doing it "wrong". The need for routine and dislike of change might also manifest in needing to plan things ahead days in advance, you also might be like me and be very capable of impulsively doing things like going out if You decide to do it, but if someone Else suggests it, then you need the preparation time. - stimming/special interests

stimming can be honestly anything. I tap my foot, I sing, I have a whole folder names "stim games" on my phone, I type, I eat, I chew gum, I flap my arms, I scratch fabrics, I smell blankets/clothing. Stimming just means self-stimulation and is absolutely any repeated action that you find soothing/cathartic in any way. Under here I'm also going to mention samefoods: foods that you feel comfortable eating even when you don't feel comfortable eating anything else. Like if too much flavour/smell/texture feels overwhelming, most autistic people will have food/s that aren't at all stressful to eat and they can default to at those times. Mine is a specific brand of chicken nuggets, I'll often fall back on those when eating anything else feels overwhelming but I need to eat Something, and I can usually handle those when I can't handle other things.

as for special interests, they are anything that you're kind of obsessed with. You can have multiple, they can change over your life, but your interest tends to go much deeper than that of a neurotypical person's and you feel a need to know everything about it and struggle to hold conversations about other topics because it kind of just takes over your brain. when I was younger some of my special interests were final fantasy, anime, hello kitty, languages/linguistics has always been a special interest of mine, kpop is definitely one, astrology is also for sure one. I fall in and out of being obsessed enough with genshin to call it a special interest. I had a friend in highschool whose special interest was the periodic table, for a while they were obsessed with the 8 times table, and then it became dinosaurs. My little brother is autistic and his special interest has always been video games, he's really interested in retro games, he loves Minecraft and Mario too, when he was younger it was ben 10 for a while, there was also a period where all he wanted to do as a kid was rewatch the cars movies. Media likes to portray special interests as being academic but they can truly be absolutely anything. A desire to know absolutely everything about trains or flowers or kpop is just as much a special interest as neurology or maths or physics or smth like that.

Another thing I've just thought of to be noted, is hygiene:

some autistic people might appear to have borderline OCD tendencies where they can't handle dirt/mess and need everything to be tidy/clean all the time. This is definitely one of the stereotypes. But struggling with hygiene is just as much a symptom of autism. If you struggle to remember to shower/wash hands/brush teeth/do laundry/etc. that could well be an autism symptom. I found out I'm sensitive to mint and especially to toothpaste, it makes my mouth feel like it's burning and like I'll actually cry if it touches my tongue bc it hurts that much lmao. I discovered a toothpaste that's unflavoured and doesn't foam up and now I can brush my teeth without pain but for a long time I struggled with consistently brushing teeth bc of that. I also struggle with showering bc of being stressed out by wet hair/skin. Sometimes it's also a memory thing, and I forget to do these things. I also absolutely suck at keeping my room clean, idk why I just Really Can't lmaoooooo

I'm certain there are things I haven't covered, these are mostly pulling from my own experiences of autism from myself and those around me. All of this might apply to you, it might not, but I hope it makes sense and has given you a good starting point of things to examine within yourself and questions to ask yourself <3 I wish you well bub and please always feel free to ask more questions and/or talk to me more about your experiences <3

#answered #n-a-n-d-a-p-a-n-d-a #personal #autism #neurodivergence #neurodivergent #ND

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alit0my · 4 years

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if you're still taking prompts: while in exile Booker dies some death that fucks his brain a bit and makes him lose his memories in a weird way. The team steps in to take care of him in order to prevent the secret from coming out and just care for him bc they still love him. And Booker doesn't remember them but still has FEELINGS from before. And one day he tells them all "I don't remember who any of you are, but I do know that I love you all SO MUCH" and the team is stunned and like "OH GOD"

im always taking prompts anon ;-) i hope you like this!

Andy’s cell phone rang in the middle of the night, waking the others as the ringtone blared through the small sleeping quarters. Quickly, she picked up the phone and murmured her apology to the team.

“Copley? It’s four am, what’s going on?” Andy spoke, knowing the man was on the other end. He was the only person who had the number after all.

“Andy. I’m sorry, but this couldn’t wait until morning. It’s Booker,” Copley said with an urgent tone. “He’s been injured.”

Andy sat up a bit straighter in her bed, resting against the headboard. “He’s not healing?”

The others became more awake at her words, glancing at each other in alarm. Booker was still young, there was no way he wasn’t healing.

“Somewhat. I sent him on a simple job to get intel and it went to shit,” Copley sighed. “It’s his memories, they seem to not have returned to him when he woke, and I’m worried that will cause unwanted trouble.”

Andy’s breath hitched in her throat, her grip on the burner phone tightening. “How far back does he recall?”

“He thinks he’s back in Marseille, 1800’s. Unsure of the exact year I’m afraid”

“He’s looking for his family,” Andy cursed quietly, nodding at the others to get ready to leave. “Where is he now? Do you have an address?”

“I’ll send it through. I’m also not sure if he remembers you, so I’d be weary about busting the door down and putting him on the defensive foot straight away.”

Andy closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Alright, thanks Copley.”

“What’s happened?” Nicky asked, zipping up his duffel bag. Andy stood and swung her own duffel bag over her shoulder, grabbing the car keys off the bedside table.

“I’ll explain on the way.”

Sebastien stood in front of the land that once held his family home. Finding it an empty field of tall grass made him furrow his brows in confusion. Where was Claire? Louis? Michel? Jean-Pierre? Had they moved and not told him? Surely he hadn’t been away for too long to have the house pulled down and grass to grow.

He watched as groups of people walked past him, not paying him any mind. Frowning, he tried to find something he could identify in his surroundings, but came up short.

“Excuse me, can you tell me what happened to my home?” He asked a group that walked by, earning him strange looks.

“Sir, that has been a vacant block for as long as I can remember. There hasn’t been a property there for years,” One of them replied, smiling even though they were confused. Their answer only made Sebastien just as bewildered.

“What do you mean? What is the date today?”

“Um,” the stranger pulled a flat object out of their pocket and then put it back just as quickly. “27th of October, 2036.”

“20- No, that’s not-”

Something buzzed in his pocket which cut him off. He reached in, pulling out a contraption that looked familiar, but he couldn’t put his finger on what it was called. He gave the stranger his thanks as they walked off, and the thing still buzzed in his hand, so he flipped it open and brought it to his ear. It seemed like the right thing to do with the object.

“Booker?” A man’s voice came through, shocking Sebastien. How was this possible?

“Who are you? Who is Booker?” He spoke in French. “Where is my family?”

He waited impatiently before the other man replied in shaky but understandable French. “Sebastien, my apologies. I understand you might be feeling lost, but I have people on the way to help you.”

“Who? I don’t want help! I want my wife and children!” He shouted, throwing his hands in the air.

“I understand, but right now you need to get to the address I’m going to send you. Can you manage that?”

Sebastien pulled the phone away from his ear as the object buzzed once more. The address that appeared on the screen wasn’t too far from where he was.

“Sebastien?”

Bringing the phone to his ear once more, he nodded. “I-I will be there.”

Sebastien walked up to the door of the address the man had sent him, finding the key under the course mat outside. Walking into the house, he was greeted with four strangers. Halting at the entrance, fingers still gripping the doorknob tightly, he chuckled awkwardly.

“I think- I might be in the wrong place,” he stammered, the French slurring together as he rushed the words. “So sorry.”

“Nonsense,” the older woman spoke in perfect French. “Come in. We are here to help you.”

Sebastien hesitantly closed the door behind him as he stared at the group. The two men sat together on the couch, a little too close for what was normal with their knees touching. The younger woman had dark skin and tight braids falling over her shoulders, and the other woman had short hair, like his own. Sebastien blinked and shoved his shaky hands into his pockets. These people seemed familiar to him, but he didn’t know how.

“You can’t help me unless you know what happened to my family,” he whispered and cast his eyes to the floor, missing the knowing looks shared between the strangers.

“Book- Sebastien, your family is standing right in front of you.”

He looked up and scoffed. “Non, unless I gained two daughters and my wife cheated on me with darker men, you are not my family.”

He saw the man with curly hair clench his fists and the young woman clench her jaw. He had hit a nerve, but he was unaware of why.

“Okay, let’s start with our names, no? I’m Andromache,” the fair woman spoke again, gaining his attention once more. “Everyone calls me Andy.”

“Nile,” the dark woman said.

“Nicolo,” he said with a strong Italian accent.

“Yusuf,” was said with a curt nod.

None of the names brought Sebastien any closer to figuring out what the hell was happening. At his blank face, Andromache spoke once more.

“Can I ask what year you think it is?”

“1807,” he replied, and he gauged their reactions.

“Alright,” Andromache nodded, chewing at her bottom lip. “Well, we’re here to help you remember. But I think we should start with dinner?”

’Remember what?’ Sebastien thought, but nodded, which set everything into motion.

He had learned that they called him Booker. He was unsure as to why, and they refused to tell him, so he paid it no mind. They shared stories of their time together, leaving out his betrayal all those years ago, but Sebastien couldn’t remember any of it, and nothing was flashing in his mind as a reminder.

Months passed and Winter settled over France, sending chills through Sebastien’s bones even when he was seated in front of the woodfire with a woolen jumper wrapped around him. His fingers shook as he flipped the pages of the novel he was reading and he grunted in frustration, placing the book down by his side and sticking his hands out in front of him, closer to the fire to warm them.

Sebastien frowned as he absently stared at his hands in front of the flames. He remembered that he loved the cold, playing in the snow and building snowmen with his siblings, all of them returning home with noses and ears flushed red, so he couldn’t understand why he felt so cold now.

Yusuf -Joe- sat down next to him and silently offered to share the blanket that was wrapped around his shoulders. Only hesitating for a moment, Sebastien scooted closer to Joe and leant into the warmth that radiated off him, feeling the blanket wrap around his shoulders and Joe’s hand squeeze his arm.

It felt familiar, friendly, loving.

“Did we ever tell you about Russia?” Joe asked quietly, keeping his eyes on the flames. At the shake of Booker’s head, he continued. “It’s where you first died in 1812, fighting for Napoleon.”

Booker closed his eyes and tried to remember, but nothing came to mind. He felt frustrated, surely memories would have started to seep through back into his mind, but nothing ever did. Instead, he rested his head on Joe’s shoulder and snuggled closer to him.

“You.. You were hung for desertion, and you hung for three days before the Grande Armee left camp. We didn’t find you until you were nearly back to France,” Joe spoke softly, and Sebastien could listen to his voice forever. “A Russian winter can be so utterly cruel, and your immortality made you suffer over and over while your comrades succumbed to death. It is why you feel the phantom cold as you are, and a few years ago we discovered that they stop when you are cuddling with one of us as we are now.”

Sebastien thought over the new information. Fighting for Napoleon in Russia? Surely not.

He didn’t mind the cuddles though.

“I’m sorry I don’t remember any of you,” Sebastien spoke, voice breaking through it’s lack of use. He found himself not speaking much, preferring to listen to the stories his friends told him and asking questions when he got lost.

“Nonsense, Bastien.” Joe ran his hand through Sebastien’s hair softly. “We’re here to help you remember, no matter how long it takes.”

The pair had moved to the couch by the time the others had returned home from their shopping, Nile being adamant about having a big dinner for Christmas in a few days. Sebastien was curled into Joe’s side with the blanket still wrapped around them both, and he felt himself flush at the looks they got from the others.

Nicolo -Nicky, now, remember?- smiled and walked over, kissing both Joe and Sebastien on the cheek in greeting, before crouching down in front of them. “How are you doing, Bas?”

“Better. Joe is rather warm,” Sebastien replied, curling further into said man’s warmth.

“He is, isn’t he,” Nicky chuckled softly, grabbing Sebastien’s hands and rubbing his thumbs over the cool palms. “Nile is cooking dinner tonight. Don’t tell her, but I don’t have much faith in her.”

Sebastien laughed loudly before burying his face in Joe’s neck as Nile rounded the corner with a faux annoyed look on her face. “Hey! I’m a good cook!”

Nicky moved to sit on Sebastien’s other side, and rolled his eyes playfully. “I’m sure you are, Nile. That soup you made a few weeks ago was seriously under seasoned.”

“How dare you! Never in my life would I have imagined a white man telling me I’ve under seasoned my food!” Nile scoffed, but it had become their thing to tease the other about their dinners, so Sebastien didn’t intervene. He had each and every dynamic sorted out by now, and he knew this was playful.

He felt warmth blossom from his chest as he watched them interact, playfully jabbing at the use of spices and ingredients in Nile’s failed soup attempt, and a grin spread across his lips. Sebastien truly felt at home with these people, they made him feel safe and happy and were always there for him.

He didn’t let himself think that maybe it was because of his memories no longer being with him. He didn’t want to tarnish the few months they’ve had together by believing they didn’t want to be around him.

He was brought out of his thoughts by a dishtowel hitting him flush in the face. “Hey!”

“Sorry Book! I was aiming for Nicky!” Nile laughed as the towel fell short when he threw it back to her. Andy had joined them in the room, opting to sit on the armrest of the single recliner with a glass of water in her hands. Sebastien didn’t know what it was about the woman that drew these deep feelings out of him, but he didn’t shy away from them. He didn’t shy away from anything he was feeling towards this little group he found himself in.

“You good?” Andy asked across the room, making eye contact with the Frenchman. Sebastien thought for a moment, going back to how he fit into this little family, and he nodded, smiling as Nile entered the room with a tray of biscuits.

“I may not remember who any of you are, but I do know that I love you all, so very much.”

Weeks passed and Sebastien -non, Booker- still remembered the looks on his family’s faces as he told them he loves them. The amount of tears spilled that night would have filled the Seine, and he wouldn’t change it for the world. They had ended up in a dogpile on the couch, holding each other close and whispering words of affirmation to each other, promises were made and love was shared.

Waking up the next morning with a stiff neck but surrounded by the four most important people in his life was worth it.

Booker woke with a jolt, breathing heavy as he orientated himself. Still surrounded by four bodies, all still and silent, he closed his eyes again and took a few deep breaths. His dream was strange to say the least, with all five of them shooting their way out of an extremely white building, with flashes of being strapped to a plinth in a lab fighting to stay in Booker’s recollection. What on earth had happened?

“Book? Are you okay?” Nicky whispered as he shifted by his side. “Hey, you’re safe.”

“I know, I know, I just.. I had a weird dream,” Booker whispered back, shimmying a hand out from the blanket that was still wrapped around himself and Joe, to rub at his face.

“Tell me?”

Booker paused. “We were fighting in a building. It was really white and there were a lot of corridors, and so many bodies. I’m getting flashes of us strapped down to tables also,” he stopped as he gauged Nicky’s face, which had turned sour. “W-What did I do?”

He heard a soft curse from his other side which drew his attention to Andy. “Of course the one thing you remember is the worst possible,” she mumbled and sat up.

“What did I do?” Booker repeated. If he had caused them pain, then that changed everything.

“Something that you have already paid for,” Nicky grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “It was a painful yet brief moment in our lives, but you need not worry about it anymore.”

Booker frowned but nodded. He didn’t want to argue so he kept his mouth shut, but that didn’t stop him from searching his brain for answers.

The team had taken up a job from Copley, who Booker discovered was the man who had called him that day in Marseille, and were infiltrating a small terrorist hideout. It was meant to be easy; a stakeout had meant that no resistance should have been present when they attacked, but alas, nothing is ever that easy.

Upon extraction, they had been ambushed by a few terrorists who had returned, and all hell broke loose. Bullets flew through the air and swords hacked away at bodies, and they almost made it out without a casualty.

Almost.

Booker was shot in the chest and went down. He felt the warmth spread under his clothes and he dropped to his knees, feeling dizzy and the world went black.

Joe cursed and pulled Booker’s body into an alcove, hiding them from the gunfire. Joe had his gun in his hands, half watching Booker and half looking for any threats coming their way. Andy had reached their location and stood guard as Nile and Nicky joined them, guns still raised in case they had to use them.

Joe grabbed Booker’s hand and squeezed it, praying silently for his friend’s return to life. He waited anxiously and glanced at Nicky, who had the same look of despair on his face. Joe counted the minutes, praying harder as it went over five.

“C’mon, Booker,” Andy whispered, nudging the man’s arm with her boot gently. “You’re still in this game with me, remember?”

A moment passes, and with a gasp the Frenchman sucked in a breath and opened his eyes, frantically searching for his family. Not needing to look far, he immediately calmed at the sight of them altogether.

“Hey,” he grinned, looking at them all. “Hey Boss.”

Andy let out a strangled sound and knelt down beside him, encasing him in the tightest hug he thinks he’s ever received from her.

“You asshole. It’s not your fault but you’re an asshole,” she mumbled as they pulled away. “Is everything back? Do you remember everything?”

Booker nodded as he quickly ran through his brain, picking out key moments in his life that shaped him for the better and for the worse. “I’m all here, Boss.”

Booker had the breath knocked out of him as Joe hugged him tight, and he laughed softly, returning it in earnest.

“If all you had to do was die to get your memories back I would have shot you myself!” Joe huffed as he pulled away, smiling as he picked up his gun that was dropped by his feet.

“I don’t mean to be rude,” Nile interrupted. “But we’re in the middle of a terrorist camp. Can we have a happy reunion when we are, I don’t know, safe?”

Booker laughed and stood with the help of Joe and Nicky and he raised his rifle, fighting with the team seamlessly as they escaped the compound.

Back at the safehouse, they showered each other in tight hugs and shared memories and alcohol, toasting to their love for one another as they drank the night away.

Available on AO3 also: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26527225

#booker #sebastien le livre #andy #joe #nicky #nile freeman #the old guard #booker loses his memory #ot5 #joe + booker = bffs

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borrowedfeathers · 3 years

Note

the part of your post about struggling w bi/lesbian identity that struck me the most was the last part, about feeling opposed to being read as straight in a relationship. first of all thats real, ive had those exact feelings over this exact dilemma (i now id as nb(tme) and bi). unfortunately whether you ID as bi or lesbian isnt going to make any difference on that front. your choice to date certain individuals might, but realistically you're not going to choose a partner based on whether being seen together is going to result in strangers making the wrong assumption... right? i mean, if you meet someone youre really into, thats unlikely to be the only (or even the main) factor in whether to date them. and the sad thing is that its not just internalised biphobia speaking but some transphobia as well. like i am in a t4t relationship - my wife is an NB trans wlw and i am a bi transmasc, we are both pre/non-transitioning. when im alone people look at my short hair and think i MUST be a lesbian. when we're together theyre like oh a man and a woman = a straight couple (and ofc they have the genders backward). EVEN IN LGBT SPACES. the fact that neither of us is even remotely straight or cis doesnt matter, people are just wrong (and often unashamed to be loud about it)! so my advice to you is to try to factor out that fear of being misread by strangers and try to separate feelings about being mistaken for cishet by anyone on the street vs how you want to present or be read by potential dating partners. it is ok to identify as bi and only date women, its ok to id as lesbian and experience some attraction to men, and its ok to change labels or not have one! in fact my wife doesnt really id with any sexual orientation label (i said 'wlw' just as a kind of shorthand) bc before they met me they thought they were only attracted to women, but im not a woman so i felt weird about their continuing to id as straight (this was before they came out as trans lol) but they also dont experience attraction to men so theyre not bi. i was mentally tormenting myself abt this until i realised it didnt matter at all that theyre unsure what they were bc the crucial thing was that theyre attracted to me, they recognise my gender and we're together. they dont need to id as anything. labels are made up to facilitate relationships, but ultimately its the relationships (including yours w yourself) that are real. you can have a fulfilling life and relationships identifying any of these ways or not at all. i hope you find your truth 💙

Thanks for all the thoughts, anon, and I feel ashamed for not realizing the transphobic as well as biphobic implications of my original post. Particularly since quite a few transfem people would put me into the "mistaken for straight" box too as my partner, and my college girlfriend who made me realize I liked women in the first place being a trans woman (we both thought we were cishet when we started dating) makes that a particularly egregious oversight on my part, and I feel profoundly sorry about that.

You've given me a lot to think about, and I feel like you're very wise, so I truly appreciate this ask.

#anonymous #transmisogyny #gender essentialism

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tracybirds · 4 years

Text

For @gumnut-logic bc *pats you*

First Virgil/Kayo fic I’ve written, it was pretty fun! A little soft and a little sad in parts but overall I’m pretty happy with it :D This fandom’s got me trying all the new things *grins*

Also sorry Scott..... your fic will have to wait ahaha. But you’re the eldest, you know how it is with younger siblings sometimes XD

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Virgil fell onto the couch with a sigh, dragging Kayo down with him.

“Three days,” he murmured, stroking her hair back so he could look into her eyes. “I’m going to enjoy them.”

Kayo wriggled in his arms and kissed him gently.

“I’ve been looking forward to this time off too.” She smiled softly at the peaceful serenity that smoothed his brow and the warm glow in his eyes that melted her worries away.

They lay together, their breathing slow and steady in the late afternoon and their eyes drooping from the long hours of travel.

Six months of long days and precious few stolen hours together had brought them to the beach house where they currently lay. Rescues and work had piled up, their vacation time put off time and time again, with an apologetic look from John whenever they were called upon. Frayed tempers and sharp words replaced the easy connection they usually enjoyed, until the tension that built up between them had no more give and it snapped.

The rest of the family steered well clear for the next few days as they learnt to pick up the pieces of their first major fight together. Virgil approached Scott following the incident to give him two weeks to find the leave they both desperately needed.

Five days later they were here. Alone.

“We should check out the rest of the house.”

“No, stay.” Virgil ran his fingers through Kayo’s hair. “This is all I want to do today.”

Kayo laughed as she sat back on his thighs.

“Tour now, nap later.”

Virgil grumbled as he allowed her to pull him to his feet. The beach house was open and spacious, inviting in the warm, summer breeze. He could taste the salt in the air as he stood still and breathed. Kayo’s hand slipped into his and they climbed the stairs to the master bedroom together.

Kayo gasped in delight as she spotted the balcony, rushing to fling open the French doors and lean out over the railing, her eyes drinking in the shimmering blue of the sun dancing on the ocean. Virgil wrapped his arms around her, smiling as she instinctively leant back against his chest.

“We needed this,” she said, pulling his head down so she could lightly kiss the curve of his lips.

The waves crashed on the shoreline below them. Kayo turned in towards Virgil, nuzzling into his chest as a sigh fell from her lips.

“I didn’t know how much we needed this,” admitted Virgil. “But this is the first time I’ve felt like myself in weeks.”

“Same here,” said Kayo. She parted her lips, a breath that should have contained words leaving her throat. Virgil could see the sudden uncertainty on her face, the way her body stiffened and her eyes flitted about the area, identifying places where her words could be overheard.

He gently guided her inside. The balcony was closed off and the door to the stairs firmly shut. He toed off his shoes and crawled onto the bed where Kayo lay waiting, curled into a ball.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“Talk to me, Kay,” he whispered back, pulling her close.

Kayo tensed in his arms.

“It’s just me, love. Isn’t it a good thing we feel closer to ourselves again?”

“It is,” she said. “But it’s more than that. We feel right again. We feel good.”

She buried her face in his neck.

“I was scared it wouldn’t come back.”

Virgil felt the world begin to tip sideways as he pressed a kiss into Kayo’s hair.

“What do you mean?” he said softly.

Kayo twitched in his arms and he let her go, his heart aching as she scooted away from him. But he waited, knowing she needed space to sort through what she needed to tell him.

She reached out and gently traced his hairline, her gesture part thanks and part reassurance. He leaned into her touch, keeping his eyes locked on hers although her gaze stayed determinedly on his forehead.

“We didn’t click anymore,” she said finally. “I know it seems silly and ridiculous. I don’t know what I was thinking. But you couldn’t see things from my perspective anymore, you started to feel like a stranger.”

Her eyes met his and he ached at the guilt he saw within them.

“I didn’t want to make any rash decisions but I thought about calling it quits a few times.”

The breath in Virgil’s lungs seemed to evaporate. Kayo wasn’t looking at him and he didn’t know how to react. He could see how easily this moment of honesty could cost her, how vulnerable she was to tell him that truth. How much trust she had in him to offer it to him.

It still hurt.

But he couldn’t deny that he hadn’t felt it. The disconnect she had described had been present for him too. He’d denied it when she was near and obsessed over it on the long hours flying home after a mission, brooding over whether he’d recognise the woman who would greet him on his return.

“How close did it come?”

“Don’t ask that.” Her voice was soft and gently persuasive. “It didn’t happen and I’m so grateful we ended up here together.”

Virgil was silent, Kayo’s revelation still filtering through the different parts of his brain.

“I just want to know how I got it so wrong, to drive you away like that.”

“You didn’t.” One hand cupped his cheek, the other running down his body to tug at his waist. “We both should have talked about it earlier. We should have trusted each other.”

She was right, Virgil knew that. The early days of their relationship had been relaxed and the easy way they’d fit together had lulled them into a false sense of security. They’d already known each other so well, there hadn’t been that awkward newness and sidestepping, it had just felt like the next natural progression. That ease of being together had taken the strain, had hidden a growing problem that neither of them noticed until it had almost been too late.

“God,” muttered Virgil, “I was feeling the same way and I didn’t know how to tell you. If we’d just said something we…”

“We wouldn’t have felt so alone.”

Kayo breathed steadily for them, watching Virgil pull himself together again.

“Okay,” he said, looking determinedly up at her through wet lashes. “Okay Kayo, we need to do better if we want this to work.”

Kayo nodded, snuggling close.

“We need to prioritise our relationship,” she said. “I don’t want to ask you to choose, and I don’t want to have to choose between iR and you either. But we need some guidelines.”

“Guideline one,” murmured Virgil into her hair. “Vacations can’t be delayed more than two weeks.”

Kayo smiled.

“Guideline two,” she said, pressing a kiss into his jaw. “We start talking about the small things. So they don’t become big things.”

“Guideline three,” said Virgil, hopefully. “We keep doing this kissing thing.”

She giggled and rolled over.

“I suppose I can oblige.”

#virgil tracy #kayo kyrano #virgil x kayo #thunderbirds #thunderbirds are go #sometimes i fic #*hugs for everyone*

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ethien · 5 years

Note

Could you write something where Link meets his soon to be lover in one of the roughest villages in Hyrule while his investigating a shrine? I’m so sorry that it isn’t worded great

I am ready with it °^° And the wording was good, I understood everything :3

It took some research bc the town I knew hadn’t difficult shrines. I mean…they were often inside the city or next to. So I searched for a difficult area and more effort to get this shrine. Hope you like it :)

SealRace goes wrong

Words: 1.661

“No Voeallowed in Gerudo Town!”

The guardspushed the hylian away from the entrance of the town. He growled a bit tohimself. He needed to go into the city. He had to talk to the Leader of thegerudo to turn down the beast. And he needed some items and ingredients forsolving the shrine outside of the town. With the fact he cannot enter at themoment, it would be a longer task than necessary.

He wentback to the shrine and tried to think about a good way of entering. To his luck,he just passed by a stranger who observed the entrance.

“Why areyou looking at the entrance such intensively? Or did you just observe…theguards?”

“I-I don’tobserve the g-guards. I am looking for the merchant who had access to the town”

Now thestranger had Link’s attention.

“Merchant?But Voe are not allowed”

“There is arumor…That the merchant found a way to enter the town. So I wait here for him”

Link wasreally glad he had this talk. Soon after, he found this merchant and a way toenter the town. He could talk to Riju and with her help, they took the divinebeast down. And yeah, he could finish the shrine for the town.

But therewas a shrine outside gerudo town. He talked to some persons and got to knowabout a seal race. He soon learnt that the access to that shrine was a ball.And he had to win a race for it.

It was asunny day like always when he entered the town in his vai armor to sign up tothe race.

“Oh, youalso want to participate in the race, my dear?” he got asked by an oldergerudo. He just nodded.

“Well, itsgood vah naboris calmed down so we can do the race. It’s clear a lot want tojoin.”

“A lot?” heasked a bit confused.

“Well yeah.You’re today the second hylian vai who signed up for it. The other participantsare gerudo who were spread around the kingdom. Good luck”

“Thanks”

He sighed abit. A lot of participants mean it would be a tough task to win and enter theshrine. And he thought the different temperatures in the desert would betoughest.

The dayended fast and the next day, the day of the race, came. It was early in themorning when he started waiting for the start. It took some time when everyonearrived. The old gerudo yesterday was right, there were a lot of participants.Most gerudo. Only he and another hylian participate. But he had not the time totalk. To his misfortune, the other hylian approached him.

“And Ithought I am the only hylian here” you said cheerfully. He just nodded. It waseasy to trick gerudo with his armor or other males. But every hylian female hemeets could identify him as a male when he spoke. So he shut up.

“Oh, not sotalkative? It’s okay. We can talk later after I win” you said and wavedgoodbye. Link quietly chuckled to himself while he waved back. It was a bitcute you assumed yourself as a winner of the race. It was cute he had to admit.

“So, myparticipants” he heard the voice and turned his glance to the older gerudo.“It’s a pleasure so many have interest in the race. For the ones whoparticipate for the first time: Everyone will ride a sandseal. You have todrive through six checkpoints without going from your shield or driving out thearea. If you did, you will be disqualified. When you can pass all check pointsand beat the record time from our champion, you win this race. Understood?”

Everyonenod and creating a line. He was the last one. You, theother hylian next to him, were before him. He took less thought in it andprepared himself for the race.

The racerseemed harder as Link expected. The checkpoints were hard to find and some werein a bokoblin camp. And the time to pass all was also short with one minute and30 seconds.

He had agood feeling. No one had succeeded the conditions and there was only you whocould be a rival. It would be easy for him.

Unfortunatelyfor him, you knew how to ride. The moment the race started for you, he gulped.

You foundthe checkpoints easily and you arrived at the destination in one minute and 20seconds. Now it was his turn. Link focused on the sandseal and the race path.He heard the starting sound and he started to drive.

One minuteand 24 seconds.

Link wasslightly annoyed he lost the race. You jumped happy with the glowing ball inyour hands. The ball he needed the most. He crossed his arms and looked away.

“Oh hey”

He turnedto you. Your happy smile annoyed him a bit. So he just growled a bit.

“Oh, are wea bad loser?” you joked around. His red cheeks confirmed what you said. “Oh my.It was just a race with a silly prize. I mean…I have no use for this ball”

You playeda bit with the ball while he observed how you played. He really needed it butstealing from you wasn’t a nice move he thought.

“Here, youcan have it”

He jumpedsurprise to the side. He didn’t expect it. He really didn’t.

“Theball…it seemed you have more use of it than me. And I saw how you look at it.So here…”

You gave itto him and turned around to go. You waved to him.

“Hope wesee us again to the next race”

Confused,he waved back while his glance wandered around you and the ball. He was quiteflattered by your acting. Now he regretted a bit not to talk to you. You werefriendly, cheerful and full of energy.

He took theball in the hole and the shrine appeared. He was glad he could now go into it.But his thoughts never left you and your action. When he had defeated thecalamity, he would come back and take part in the next race against you.

To see youand of course to prove he wasn’t a bad loser.

It tooksome time when you two meet each other again. You prepared yourself for the nextrace. You were a bit frustrated. You just saw this person one time and you twodidn’t talk much with each other. But they had something interesting and theatmosphere was calming. So you wished to see them to the next race. But theydidn’t come. They were the only one with a chance to beat you.

“Oh[Y/N]…did you hear? There is a new participant for the race” Shabonne told you.

“Yeah yeah”you just said in a neutral voice. You lost hope it could be them.

“And it’s aspecial one. You will never believed it who”

You lookeda bit curious to her. “Who?”

“A hylianvoe. I am quite impressed he knows about the race. He seemed eager toparticipate” she said.

It wasn’tcommon that a male had interest in the race. You had to admit this was a goodchance to forget for some minutes the person.

“And dear…”Shabonne went to you and whispered into your ears. “He’s quite a good-lookingone. Especially in this traditional gerudo armor for voe. I don’t know where hehas it…but it suit him well. You should talk to him after the race”

“What?” youyelped and you could feel your cheeks heat up. Shabonne just laughed about yourreaction.

“You’re inthe perfect age to find a voe and now, there is an attractive one. Catch himbefore I catch him”

You turnedaround and went back to your sand seal.

You weretoo embarrassed to say something. It was true that finding a mate wasimportant. But not in the race. Despite the fact you were still confused aboutthis person.

From afar, yousaw his figure. You cursed inside you Shabonne. He was handsome. But you shookyour head and started the race. You had to shown this guy who was the championof the race.

One minuteand 15 seconds

Quite happyabout your result, you stand yourself next to Shabonne and observed the hylianmale. You really didn’t know why…but he seemed familiar to you. Like you meetbefore. But it couldn’t be. The person was a female like you…or not. When youthought back, they never talked to you. And their posture was…more masculinethan feminine.

You saw howhe watched to you. That’s the moment the realization hit you. You knew theseeyes. And you knew this posture. It was all the time…him?

Before youcould question yourself why on earth did he wear woman cloths, the race startedand you observed how he managed it this time.

One minuteand 13 seconds

In totaldisbelief you watched how Shabonne congratulate him to be the new champion. Youcouldn’t believe what you just found out and saw. So you walked to him.

“Congratulation,you’re the first who beat me.” You offered him your hand to shake and he tookthe offer. He had soft hands but they were also strong.

He justscratched the back of his neck while he blushed a bit. You found it cute.

“What’syour name?” you asked.

“Link” hejust said. His voice was melodic and calming, it suited him. “And you?”

“[Y/N]”

It gotsilent between you. But no one moved away from each other. You really don’tknow why….but he fascinated you.

“So…Link…canyou answer me a question?”

“Mhhh?” heanswered. You only smirked.

“Why are you don’t wearing your vai armor? Itsuited you very well?”

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gettin-bi-bi-bi · 4 years

Note

1 - I feel like this message will be all over the place, I'm sorry. I just have to get it out. So I'm questioning my sexuality and have been for a while now, but I'm afraid to really think about it. I think I might be bi but it's hard to tell because I'm fairly sure I might be on the ace-spectrum as well which makes it extra hard to realize attraction since I don't think I feel sexual attraction. Or maybe I do but I'm just that dumb and don't get it?

2 - And at one point I thought I might actually be a lesbian bc my (romantic) attraction to men was paired with like a lot of nervousness and not actually wanting to date them if it came to it. But now that I have a crush on a girl (my first same gender crush that I can think of) it’s still the same; I’m super flustered around her and would do ridiculous things to impress her and just wanna hold her hand but if she were to ask me out I know I’d panic and decline.

3 - It doesn’t help that I’ve been depressed for years and I know my mental health is in a very bad place (but I’m getting therapy for it). Does that affect my confusion about my sexuality? I’m also very afraid to pick a label like bi or ace or both just in case I turn out not to be, I don’t wanna be “that straight girl” who tries to belong where she doesn’t you know?

4 - Doesn’t help that I’m terrified of the backlash I could potentially get if I was lgbt+, I don’t know if I could handle it, especially from my parents. I’m sorry if this is a lot, I’m just so confused.

I’m gonna go through this bit by bit again because there’s a lot of different issues and questions here. It’s gonna be a long reply but I don’t know how to condense it even more.

“I think I might be bi but it's hard to tell because I'm fairly sure I might be on the ace-spectrum as well [...] maybe I do but I'm just that dumb and don't get it?”Sexual attraction can be a difficult concept to understand especially if you’re on the ace-spectrum. But you’re not “dumb” for having trouble with this. You simply live in a society that treats sexual attraction a standard experience that ~everyone~ is supposed to have so it’s not really talked about what it really means. Of course it’s an individual thing to an extend but generally speaking, sexual attraction means you can look at someone (even a random stranger) and feel a desire to have sex with them. It doesn’t mean one has to act on that desire but it’s certainly a “oh this person is hot - I wanna bang!!” in the most primitive sense lol I can imagine that being on the ace-spectrum can make it harder to explore what other types of attraction you might experience and to which genders. But it’s not impossible. There’s plenty of asexual/biromantic people and I’d recommend trying to talk to some of those as well and just generally get involved with the ace community.

“my attraction to men was paired with like a lot of nervousness and not actually wanting to date them if it came to it [...] but if she were to ask me out I know I’d panic and decline.”I mean... what you talk about regarding men can be a sign of being a lesbian but I guess it can also just as well be a sign of being asexual since “dating” and “relationships” are often associated with sex and though some ace people do have and enjoy sex there’s also sex-repulsed asexuals. So if you genereally don’t want to have sex or are iffy about it that explains why you backed off whenever you had the chance to date someone - bc you thought this would have to lead to sex which you may or may not want to have. Regarding the girl you currently have a crush on, the whole ~being ace and possibly sex-repulsed~ can also play a part plus internalised queerphobia. Since you struggle to accept your queerness and you currently don’t dare claiming a label for yourself it’s evident that you have a lot of shame that needs to be unpacked. As long as you have this much anxiety about your (a)sexuality and potential biromanticism your gut reaction to a girl’s advances will be panic. It’s not surprising. Crushing on a girl forces you to think about being bi and since you’re scared of facing this reality it’s a logical consequence that you’re freaking out!

“It doesn’t help that I’ve been depressed for years [...] Does that affect my confusion about my sexuality?”Yes, it definitly can affect your sexuality and/or your questioning process. Being queer in an inherently queerphobic society is a form of constant low-key (at best; high-key at worst) trauma. A lot of queer people have some form of PTSD just from ~being surrounded by everyday queerphobia~. But even if your depression has totally different reasons, it can still affect how you deal with sex in general, how you experience romance, how you experience yourself. Questioning one’s sexuality is (unfortunately!) not a safe thing to do for many people which means it can be anxiety inducing. And queer people have higher rates of mental health problems that non-queers. That’s a fact. Anf if you’re already depressed for whatever other reason and then add anxiety over being queer to the mix, well... you do the maths! It’s hard, man. It sucks. But it’s great you’re already getting help already. I’d hope your therapist is queer-friendly so you can talk about these things with them. And additionally you should try to get some queer counselling if there’s something available in your area. If your therapist isn’t queer-friendly then I would strongly advice you to find a different one.

“I’m also very afraid to pick a label like bi or ace or both just in case I turn out not to be, I don’t wanna be “that straight girl” who tries to belong where she doesn’t you know?”’Okay, look. I recently answered two asks that touch on that subject and I don’t think I can say it better than there so I’m gonna quote myself and link you to them so you can read the whole thing if you want.

1) Even when you’re not entirely sure of your bisexuality yet, questioning people belong into the community as well. The “Q” in LGBTQIA+ stands both for “queer” and for “questioning” - some people even use a version of the acronym that has two Qs to highlight that! So you belong whether you already identify as bisexual or not. The LGBTQIA+ community is supposed to be an environment where you can safely explore your sexuality - even if you turn out not to be queer. You still belong for as long as you are questioning because “questioning” is a queer identity. (x)

2) “Straight” women are allowed to experiment and explore their sexuality. I put “straight” in quotes here because a lot of these women might actually be questioning or they are bisexual and struggling with internalised biphobia (which won’t get better if biphobic lesbians keep telling them they are “just one of those straight girls”). And even the women who do end up realising that they really are straight have had every right to experiment. It’s their sexuality and they can do with that as they please as long as they don’t hurt anyone. They don’t owe anyone to come out as queer. “Only to say they are straight” sounds like it’s a huge disappointment when all these women did was live out their sexual curiosity. Any half decent queerfeminist should know better than to police women’s sexuality - even when the women in question are straight. (x)

“Doesn’t help that I’m terrified of the backlash I could potentially get if I was lgbt+, I don’t know if I could handle it, especially from my parents.”I understand it can be terrifying, especially if you know your family won’t support you. But the thing is... no matter how much potential backlash there is, you won’t stop being queer. You cannot stop. You cannot run away from your sexuality. You can certainly try but it won’t make you happy and it will take a toll on your mental health. This is not to say that you ~must~ come out. You can be as much out or closeted as you want and as is safe for you. But you cannot convince yourself of being something you are not. There will probably be some people you can safely come out to, others you’d rather not tell. That’s the on-brand queer experience. Maybe one day you can afford to not give a fuck about what your parents think, even if it comes at the price of losing them. That’s gonna be a problem for future!You though. And if you work on self-acceptance through therapy and through connecting with the queer community, building a support system - then it’ll get easier over time.

It’s unfortuantely very common to be scared of this but being scared won’t make you any less bi or ace or whatever type of queer you wanna be. And yes, I say “wanna be” because at the end of the day what label you use and feel comfortable with is your choice. You cannot technically be “wrong” about your sexuality. Even if you pick a label now and then later realise another one suits you better - then you just change your label. No harm done.

And even if you go through a period of questioning, try on multiple queer labels and then have the grande epiphany that you are actually just a basic ol’ heterosexual heteroromantic cisgender person - you did not harm the queer community in the slightest. I wish more straight cis people would question their sexuality and gender and come to the informed conclusion that they really are straight and cis - instead of taking it for granted because our society treats it as the default. What’s the point in questioning if only people who already know that they are queer were allowed to do it?! What’s the point if everyone who questions their sexuality ~has~ to realise that they are queer?

So.... long story short... sounds like you have the very common Queer Anxiety on top of your existing depression and they are probably affecting each other and make each other worse. You should definitly try to work on your internalised biphobia and acephobia and talk to your therapist about it. I have advice on internalised biphobia here - you can use those methods for asexuality as well.

Maddie

#Anonymous

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elizabethrobertajones · 6 years

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I haven't been keeping up with the season, but obvi I've seen gifsets galore & I wanted to know your take on how human Cas is behaving. I know he's had a soul since Metatron (& I assume he didn't lose it just bc he got his grace back), but I feel like since returning from the empty he's been wearing his emotions & thoughts on his face & in his movements more clearly. Do you think this was a conscious choice after facing the empty or a less tangible change that occurred within him as a result?

I think something less tangible that’s been happening for a long time, because back in season 10, even, we were talking about this. And I know in season 9 there was also at least some commentary on the way Cas was operating, when he had some grace again. Though I missed most of those conversations… My first Cas episode with fandom was 9x21 and I remember people talking about him leaning on the desk in his office and how it was a human mannerism. And that was all before we discovered he’d sewn his coat in 9x18 and we only got it in deleted scenes. 10x09 as well, I remember commentary on his mannerisms, as I think there were some especially noteworthy moments where he was behaving much less stiff than usual.

All of early season 10 for Cas was pointing out how he’d rather be on earth, rather be with the Winchesters, and in general suggesting that he might one day be better suited for a human endgame than even he realises, especially played off against Hannah, who copes so poorly with being on Earth compared to how Cas has grown so comfortable there.

And I don’t think Cas has ever really got more stiff and formal after any of this, just that the writing moved away from directly challenging Cas about who and what he was for a while and started asking him different questions and framing him in other lights. He picks up a lot of trauma towards the end of season 10, once he gets his own grace back, and he’s out of the zone where he would die without it and therefore challenged in the story to think about this himself. The writers don’t really wanna spend all their time telling the same thing over and over and if it’s a few season renewals before this can be relevant again, all I know is that Cas never answered the major questions he was posed, and this was never satisfactory resolved in any way when it comes to the themes of that time, just that we moved onto his depression arc.

But I think in that time we saw a lot of stuff where Cas supposedly, at least with his original grace and often times without any magic effects on him, was still in a really terrible place, being depressed and traumatised, saying yes to Lucifer, and all the punishment season 12 put him through, including some very emotional moments like in 12x09 where he kills Billie on their behalf.

This season his return from the Empty has made him seem more confident in some ways, but at the same time he’s still lost about his purpose, still struggling with being sure he’s completely accepted by Dean and dealing with low key self worth issues which of course affect him, because he can’t come out squeaky clean. But he had at least to fight off some of the worst things he believed about himself in order to defeat the Empty and on the other side of that he’s been standing taller and more confidently, which is great. But I think his mannerisms have been slowly creeping in and evolving for a long time, especially since being human, and while playing Cas since then always as a lower powered version of Cas, I think the change has been a long, slow process, but at this point we’re getting to where it’s extremely obvious how he’s so different from how he used to be.

My favourite example this season is in 13x19 where he’s bored waiting in Heaven, and he isn’t waiting like Cas would do in the old days, where if he was impatient he’d still stand still and radiate annoyance, or maybe pace back and forth if he was REALLY agitated. But we get a whole montage where he flops all over the furniture, pokes and prods things, and moves around the room bored and curious and very very much in a human way where it’s not even being disrespectful or whatever, it’s that he genuinely is bored and is distracting himself from a long wait in a really human way. I don’t think it’s really surprising with where is NOW or particularly weird for him. It’s not a red flag that anything is short term weird with him. Based on how the last like 4 years at least have gone for him, it’s not super strange for him to be behaving like this in season 13. But if he was doing it 5 or 6 years ago and longer it would have been much stranger, maybe even a red flag that something was wrong with him, and would have had way more purpose than just being to make us laugh at how bored Cas is, but to make some really profound point about him which would be new and revealing instead of expected and just a way of reminding us how different Cas is these days. I don’t think it’s revealing now in the sort of way of saying “wow! how human Cas is!” except maybe for people who REALLY weren’t paying attention, compared to if stiff and proper Cas had been revealed to act like this away from the Winchesters’ eyes in like… season 4 :P

But, yeah, idk, Cas goes through so much and he’s been gradually changing for a long time, and in season 9 and 10 especially there was so much focus on who and what Cas was, and things like Claire calling out how much he changed and stuff, that it was a time of a lot of growth and shaping of Cas while season 8 had very deliberately been a sort of soft reset where it turned out Naomi was responsible, but it’s a last hurrah for Cas being remotely like he was in his most angelly times. They really rebuilt who and what Cas was in that time and since then we’ve been exploring deeper the new version of Cas.

I suppose no one really reads my episode notes but if you see me joking about party!Cas a lot, it’s because of this from 13x19:

elizabethrobertajonesListen, at some point Cas transitioned from the stoic Cas we once all knew to a new and better Caswe’ve been talking about this a long timesince season 10 at leastbut I think finally I can say for certainthe season 10 - present Cas is…party!Cas

mittensmorgulPARTY CAS

elizabethrobertajonesand will refer to him as such meaning this period of his life indefinitely until it changes again :Pwe can keep it to season 13 if that makes more senselike his newfound purpose since the Emptybut I was harping on Riverboat Gambling!Cas earlierso I think this is actually something that’s been going on a whileand Party!Cas is just a more dominant trait this season than ever beforebut the arc to becoming party!Cas has long been in motion

mittensmorgulthat reminds me of some of the early s12 meta talking about ‘growing up’ and how the characters were getting to experience adolescence for the first time… and Cas is kinda going through growing pains too. guess this is late adolescence for him now :P

elizabethrobertajonesawwwwwteenage party CasI love himso much

(I ended up typing this all to Mittens while first watching Cas messing around in 13x19 in the heaven waiting room. Though at the start of that episode, Rowena complains they don’t go to enough parties, and when she hangs up on them, Cas is like, “she’s right, you never go to parties.” I figure he’s waiting for someone to throw him a birthday party while Sam and Dean are too awkward to ask when it is after all this time.)

But yeah, the traits I identify with party!Cas are all the ones where he seems less angelly and more human, more a truer version of himself and especially when it’s because he’s confident and owning being more than anything he ever thought he was “only”.

#Asks #party!Cas #it's actually a serious meta tag but you'd never know it #caaas #cas analysis

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yutark · 6 years

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tbh i hate bringing this up, and this isn’t directed at anything or anyone in particular, but i thought it’d be best to clear up that yuta’s ic feelings are not connected to my ooc.

whether those be towards his company, friends, strangers, other people, he remains ic and i think people might be confusing it because in interactions, yuta still is only grasping at his issues and rarely recognises them ic. he has a serious lack of self awareness and he’s always had that. so in an attempt to reconcile any doubts people have, i’m going to breakdown yuta’s state of mind and where it comes from.

first things first, yes, yuta is angry about the sns ban and then rumours of the trc girls debut. those two things are intertwined. and those connect to why yuta currently hates his time in trc. there are a few things people need to realise,

yuta expresses anger before he does any other emotion

he’s sensitive to things he feels are unjust or unfair

and he struggles with things when they are uncertain

these three things connect a lot to his childhood and teen years. anger, gets an immediate response and attention. yuta being upset as a child, did not get him much attention from his parents, but if he was angry and threw a tantrum, then they would deal with him. this was ingrained further during high school when he was bullied, being upset did not get anyone to solve the issue, but being angry either, scared them off or caused the teachers to be involved. that bullying also connects to why he reacts more to things he feels are unjust or unfair, to him, because he has a strongly held belief that the world is against him. throughout his life, he has sought out situations and validated his own belief, over and over again. it gives him an excuse for his anger and frustration, and justifies his actions for himself.

none of these are good things and i’m not excusing his behaviour, he needs to learn and that’s what some of this is.

finally uncertainty and doubt. yuta has walked through life going, ‘this is this’ and ‘that is that’ and ‘im nakamoto yuta, and i know everything’. so when something truly causes him to become uncertain and doubt, himself and everything around him, he has no proper skills to deal with it. when someone else doubts him, he proves them wrong by doing it, but when he starts to doubt himself, he’s faced with a situation he doesn’t know how to deal with. the doubt and uncertainty, feeds itself. yuta is nagged by the constant, ‘if im having these, there must be something to doubt’, and he craves something to prove him wrong or right. it’s why he acts out.

he wants someone to make the decision for him, and if that decision is negative, he can be angry, feel its unjust and validate this whole cycle again. this is how yuta has handled and gone through his whole life.

as for feeling suffocated and hating trc, there’s more things that factor into that again.

he has a history of being non-commital; short relationships, one night stands, and a messy work history ( one i did a hc on here ). the longest job he has had was 7 months, trc is already at 12 months. but unlike these jobs, trc is his dream and he’s struggling with a couple things: is it trc or is something wrong with him, and what does he do on both those cases.

his expectations and reality are two different things: he thought he would join trc, be signed and then debut in a year -- but that is not how it works. and seeing ten and taeyong, who signed the same time as him debut, adds to this. what he thought would happen, is not happening to him, but it is happening to his friends and boyfriend. this increases his confusion, his doubts and slams reality harder into his chest.

nothing is happening in trc. there’s been no sign of his efforts having value, he’s seeing everyone else be rewarded, even people he feels have caused him to be unfairly punished. when he joined trc, he put his entire energy into it--100% or nothing--and then when nothing happened, 110%, 120%, trying to be on his best behaviour, do everything he’s told, and then left tired and feeling like he’s not getting anything ( add in his doubts, uncertainties and fears, and he’s frustrations at what he feels is unfair ) and he feels like he’ll never get anything, and he wants to blame trc for it.

his personality also add fuel to the fire of how he feels. he’s always been someone who fixated on something and would do anything for it. for ttc, he’d been in a car accident weeks prior and he cut off his cast to perform, nearly re-broke his arm doing so and went into trc audition with a cast on. he’s fixed on debuting, on catching up to those around him, on being better than them. with nothing happening in trc, he’s exhausting himself and feels like he’s treading water, they’re all getting further ahead and he’s not.

one of the last things is jaebum leaving trc. it might seem minuscule, but they were close and yuta could buffer out his discontent by hanging out with his best friend. now he has to deal with every schedule on his own, and face himself in practice, and not have that distraction to take away from his focus.

everything yuta does, and how he acts, has been there the entire time. it might be more noticeable now because these issues are coming up for him, but they are genuinely him. and as a mun, i wouldn’t care to explain my muse, but because of how people react and the feeling of uneasiness i get, i restrain from taking plots or playing him true to who he is. i’m curbing his behaviour and keeping it to dms or chats, bc i think that there are some people who are under the impression that i’m putting my ooc feelings into things.

it’s affecting how i roleplay my own muse because i worry people will make assumptions.

rkseokwoo and rkshua are both my muses too, very few people take on their feelings as ooc, but i think because yuta does have issues, is more vocal and can even be mean, there’s a confusion there.

at the moment, in yutas dev, he’s been working on more healthy coping mechanisms. he’s talking to his boyfriend about how things make him feel, he’s been vocalising his frustrations with other trainees and his friends, and he’s having to take a true look at himself. its imperfect, he’s still not learned how to calmly express himself or talk clearly. this is something i’ve been doing to him as a mun since back in may last year, when he walked in on his mother cheating. back then, i was working on yuta’s self-awareness and open him to realising how his actions/words/thoughts/feelings effect those around him, and begin to identify where they come from and how to properly channel them.

in fact, the situation of his mother cheating is a major seed of why yuta is, where he is now. it weakened some of the foundation, damaged his confident persona, and pushed in some doubts, on how, who he sees himself as and who he is, might not be the same thing.

it’s a slow development, it’s something he will succeed and fail at, over and over again, learning more every time.

and i know this is super long, and if you read this far, i applaud you, but i just wanted to be clear on this since it’s affecting how i play my muse and i thought if i cleared up what people might misunderstand with yuta, or not know. it’ll ease everyone’s conscious that, ‘ah, yuta’s just being a dick because he’s like that’.

as for people telling yuta/me to leave trc if he’s unhappy, that generally won’t fix the issue yuta has, he will simply leave and be signed, and the same thing will happen, and as a mun, i’d rather use this as a way for him to dev and grow, and maybe become less of a asshole ;;

i hope this will clear up any confusion on where/why/how yuta is how he is. thank you if you made it this far <3 lol

#( ooc. )#honestly this is just a lengthy explanation on yuta and his mind #and why he is how he is #just kdhss #bc im starting to think it might not be apparent

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shtbgs-blog · 6 years

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me: has 500 muses me: adds more

shush i am in a battle to have the most muses and just bc i have like 600 doesn’t mean i don’t want to play them a few of these are old old old muses I always have muse for and would love to start playing again.

under the read more you will find introductions for:

ambrose hartley ( bebe rexha ) colby blackstone ( sofia black-d’elia ) harley maddox ( miley cyrus ) brinley joseph ( chloe norgaard ) quinn james ( kehlani parrish ) daniel silver ( herman tommeraas ) lance nash ( justin bieber ) holden clover ( james franco ) & conor johnson ( nicholas hoult )

Do I hate myself? Yes I do.

AMBER ROSE “AMBROSE” HARTLEY looks an awful lot like BEBE REXHA. SHE is TWENTY-SEVEN and while they're PLAYFUL, they have a tendency to get pretty ABSENT MINDED. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to HURRICANE by HALSEY.

Ambrose came from a really loving family tbh like, she had no problem with them at all in the slightest

her problem was she just couldn’t stay tame no matter how hard she tried, even when she was young she seemed to be full of energy and at the age of six they had adopted another little girl to be Amber’s best friend

For a long time they were the closest of friends, and there were times where Amber thought they’d be friends forever, but as they grew older she could see how different they really were, and how perfect she seemed to fit into Amber’s family

Better than Amber ever had, actually.

So at the age of eighteen she packed up her things and moved out.

She didn’t move far, at first, instead she decided to crash with one of her girlfriends but that honestly didn’t last long.

That was when she began to travel but no one ever seemed to match her wild and adventurous persona.

While she was gone she did do a lot of bad things you could say. One of those things being mixed up with a man who actually sold her for prostitution but you won’t ever catch her talking about that

During one of these wild adventures, though, someone made the joke that they thought her name was Ambrose because of how fast she speaks. Ever since then it just stuck. That was a few years ago ( 25 )

She just recently came back to Kola after deciding maybe it was time to go home and see her family and old friends. But who knows how long this will last.

COLBY BLACKSTONE looks an awful lot like SOFIA BLACK D’ELIA. SHE is TWENTY and while they’re LAID BACK, they have a tendency to get pretty IMPULSIVE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to FAST CAR by KHALID COVER.

papa was a rolling stone..... legit

her dad is a rock star and she’s one of hadley’s siblings

her mom is just as wild and firey as her father with a legit passion for music and maybe did a few songs with him but she was most known for kind of being a hot mess ( courtney love vibes )

which is why it’s so fucking weird that colby is the way she is like? she is just this soft spoken chill individual who likes to take photos

she’s been her parents photographer for events since she was sixteen but she’s been dying to get away from them

so off to kola university it was, where she’s studying photography

she’s here to have a good time and she’s pretty chill

unless you get her stoned then she’s fucking wild

oh and when she’s drunk????

she’s basically a fucking rockstar just like her parents

HARLEM “HARLEY” MADDOX looks an awful lot like MILEY CYRUS. THEY are TWENTY FIVE and while they’re ACCEPTING, they have a tendency to get pretty OBNOXIOUS. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to CURSE OF CURVES by CUTE IS WHAT WE AIM FOR.

Harley is here to steal your girl honestly they flirt with every single female they come into contact with it’s kind of overwhelming

but they arent strictly into females they just feel more comfortable around them

They have always been masc / the dom in every single relationship they’ve been in, romantic or platonic.

They just have always had that more dominant personality type which has lead to them getting into a great deal of fights

When they were seventeen they came out that they identify as agender and go by they/them pronouns but their parents just didn’t seem to get it???

it wasn’t super bad or anything it just lead it to be awkward in their house hold so Harley decided to leave at the age of eighteen after graduation

Ever since they’ve been living with their best friend ( wc )

They work in a liquor store where honestly they get to pick up on a lot of people and get invited to a lot of parties so they dig their life a lot tbh.

BRINLEY JOSEPH looks an awful lot like CHLOE NORGAARD. SHE is TWENTY-ONE and while they’re HELPFUL, they have a tendency to get pretty SKETCHY. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to RAINBOW by KESHA

. oh my god this is my oldest muse I’m bringing in so far and I’m actually writing a book based off her life so there’s a strong ass chance this is gonna be long and I’m gonna have the absolute most muse for her because i know her so well

so basically when brin was 16 her father convinced her to start dealing drugs for her in school because it was like the easiest way for him to make money since so many people in LA, California were smoking pot esp in high school

And her dad has always been like a brodude more than an actual father figure and like she agreed because hey she got to pocket some of the cash and she was able to live her best life right

wrong at seventeen she actually fell in love with someone while her father was gone for a full fucking month and he had the audacity to come back pissed off at her for pulling away from him / he also may be on the run from the cops bc he almost got busted but he was mad at her for the former

so he took her away from la and they began their travels on the road

she never even got to finish high school

Basically she lived in an RV with her father traveling from city to city selling drugs just to get by

Her father had a way with talking to people that made it easier for them to sell and what not but soon, her father’s connection ran dry

She was nineteen the first time one of her fathers friends cornered her in the small RV bedroom and no matter how loud she yelled, he never came.

He swore it’d never happen again.

Three months later it was an almost routine practice and Brinley realized she never meant anything to him

She was too scared to leave and still to this day hasnt

She’s currently living in Kola, California but she’s staying in a motel room

Her father was able to score some drugs when they got there so she’s currently selling but she’s scared when the drugs run out he’s going to turn back to the old routine.

Give me some new friends for her

give me some people who will show her she can leave her father and stay in kola forever

QUINN JAMES looks an awful lot like KEHLANI PARRISH. SHE is TWENTY-THREE and while they’re SELFLESS, they have a tendency to get pretty MESSY. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to THE FEELING by JUSTIN BIEBER.

Quinn is such a mess of a human being I swear to god

She would give her left foot to a stranger if they needed it which is wild because she thinks thats her best attribute

NO IM JOKING BUT SERIOUSLY THIS GIRL WOULD GIVE ANYONE HER WORLD and she’s so quick to fall in love with people it’s absolutely disgusting

but she’s just the kind of person who thinks too far ahead but she’s such a fucking optimist she feels like everything will work out and nothing could POSSIBLY EVER GO WRONG!

wow is she constantly wrong it’s a problem but listen you can’t get her down no matter how hard you try

she’s new so thats legit all i know about her

DANIEL SILVER looks an awful lot like HERMAN TOMMERAAS. HE is TWENTY-THREE and while they’re HELPFUL, they have a tendency to get pretty UNREALISTIC. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to I’LL SHOW YOU by JUSTIN BIEBER.

Oh my god this wild fucking animal right here was well, at first he was cosima silver’s nephew but now since i have them in the same group he’s her cousin and lives with her in the apartment above her little shop

This did not happen easily, oh no, he comes from a family of very strict parents who actually exiled Cosima’s family from their lives at a young age because they believed in her ‘gifts’ and they thought they were crazy

Daniel, though, thought the exact opposite. When they were young and before the split happened Cosima would talk to Daniel about her gifts and he would reel in them and he literally loved it so much

But when they were cast out of the family Daniel sort of realize just how horrible his family actually was??? and how different he was????

Sadly his dumb ass was honestly stuck there until a month ago where he finally packed up his shit and completely bailed on his family then moved in with Cosima and he’s been here ever since

He works in her shop as a tarot card reader or rather, he’s trying to learn how to do it. He has literally no gifts but he wants to help people and maybe start to learn from Cosima

Personality wise he’s my big pansexual mess who is flirting and messing around with just about everyone every chance he gets and he just lives for making out and hooking up and having a good fucking time okay

LANCASTER “LANCE” NASH looks an awful lot like JUSTIN BIEBER. HE is TWENTY-SIX and while they’re RELIABLE, they have a tendency to get pretty IRRITABLE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to HOLY GRAIL by JAY Z FEAT. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

lets start off with the fact that Lance is the oldest of SEVEN CHILDREN his mother being the common denominator

Lance was the first born and her most prized son out of all the kids but as he got older, and she started having so many suitors, and started toying with various hard drugs he sort of lost that connection with her and was forced to grow up way too young.

When he was ten, he already had three siblings, each one of them born a year or two after the other and Lance was the only one who could really take care of them. Him and the second oldest were often left in charge of the kids but they didn’t want much to do with all the kids and Lance sort of understood that.

When he turned nineteen and the second oldest was eighteen they left town without so much as a letter which only forced Lance to become the actual father the whole family needed.

His life has always been about the kids. He now has siblings ranging from 3 to 25 and he usually keeps tabs on all of them.

But ya boi has to make money some how, so, he’s dedicated any time he can get away from the youngest kids to doing what he does best and thats babysitting drug addicts or being a designated driver.

He personally does not do drugs but he knows what to do and how to take care of people when they’re tripping so he has become the druggie babysitter of Kola, California.

He’s honestly a really cool dude who is actually really fucking helpful all of the time

He just gets really god damn moody sometimes and wants to punch people in the throat but think about it his day starts at 6 AM with 2 children and 2 tweens, you’d be moody as hell too by 9 pm while driving some drunk asshole home

HOLDEN CLOVER looks an awful lot like JAMES FRANCO. HE is THIRTY-NINE and while they’re BALANCED, they have a tendency to get pretty FICKLE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to A WALK THROUGH HELL by SAY ANYTHING.

his gif doesn’t match my aesthetic at all or his aesthetic but IDGAF BECAUSE IM ALIVE FOR IT

ANYWAY Holden is a cop:tm: he’s been idolizing them his entire life and now he’s just a good guy cop who sometimes lets people off with a warning and is that ‘cool cop’ around town like

all the kids love him, even criminals like him he’s just really charismatic and seems really chill????

ugh i have literally virtually no information for him other than he was divorced and it’s gonna be one of the many wcs i write up and submit but if someone wants an ex husband who gets too focused on his job all the time hmu for sure

he also has a younger brother who may or may no t better be dave franco

CONOR "CJ" JOHNSON looks an awful lot like NICHOLAS HOULT. HE is TWENTY-SEVEN and while they're COMPASSIONATE, they have a tendency to get pretty RECLUSE. You’ve probably seen them around Kola listening to IDK LOVE by JEREMY ZUCKER.

ok he’s not a zombie in his main verse but like if u think for ( 1 ) second im not turning him into a zombie for the zombie verse ur WRONG!!!!

but lets focus on mainverse cj and talk about zombie cj later

Conor has always been a nice and compassionate kid and honestly, he got married at 23 to the love of his life

But after three beautiful years he lost his wife to a car accident and he hasnt been the same since

a lot of people in town look at him like this poor broken bird because ever since his wife died he hasn’t been able to be like a normal human being

he doesn’t go out

he barely goes to work

he’s going to lose his house

he’s just in a deep deep deep depression and honestly it’s actively sad

but he’s still nice and charming and flirty at times but it’s very rare

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