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bokuto body shaming you

kotaro bokuto x reader

angst, fluff! happy ending, drabble

before you continue to read, please be aware of the following:

tw: eating disorder, eating, food, fatphobia, insecurity, bullying, and uh using the bathroom. LOL. i wrote this at 2 am because i couldn’t sleep. bear with me.

japan’s (and most of asia’s) beauty standards consists of a girl being size 00. obviously it is highly unfair and fatphobic. however, asian girls grow up to these same standards. therefore, when y/n is hurt over the fact that they called her fat, she gets offended. this is fiction and please remember your body is beautiful no matter what size!

now that you have read the precautions, enjoy!

today was super stressful, you missed breakfast because of work, clients took up your lunch time by feuding with their now divorced husbands, and you obviously couldn’t eat in the courtroom. you controlled the rumbles of you stomach and couldn’t wait to unlock your burgundy door. as you got home from work, bokuto was already on the couch.

“hey babe” he nonchalantly said.

“hi bubby”

as you walked over to the fridge, it was empty. you cried in agony.

“oooooh sorry i ate all of the leftovers”

your current state, was hangry. it was a clash of words to represent your current emotion. you snuck two middle fingers behind his head.

“i saw that,” he said while still looking at his game footage.

not having food in your system for longer than a day really upset you. so much so, you busted in tears out of frustration.

“literally all the places are closed at this hour, when i get home all i wanted was to ingest something, but you ate it all!” you sobbed.

“y/n, you’re blowing this out of proportion,”

“but i’m not! work has been so hard on me that i didn’t even have the opportunity to eat.”

“surely you had some sort of break, are you sure you’re not starving yourself again?” he laughed to himself.

your face was in shock.

in high school, you had an eating disorder. you hated the way you looked compared to the thin girls in your class. do you know how hard it is to be a size 4 in japan? thus, led to many insecurities being built up. while not eating, you also exercised quite frequently. and with no nutrients in you, your stomach salvaged itself. soon enough, you were on your road to being a size 2. however, one day you pushed yourself really hard. the girls in class A were talking about your rolls when you sit down. just the thought of that morning made you run faster. until you started to get light headed and pass out.

as you woke up, you were on a bench with a really attractive man at the end of it. you realized that your legs were on top of his lap. quickly, you sat upright, only to feel dizzy again.

“here take this,” the handsome man offered water.

you downed the whole thing, with water dripping out of your mouth. you then took your sleeve and wiped your mouth. for a good five seconds you were calm... until you realized how unladylike you were being. you looked over at the man and he was laughing. like, full on laughing.

“what’s so funny?”

“n-nothing it’s j-just the girls around here do the opposite of what you just did,” he barely spoke, not being able to contain his laughter.

“fine then i guess it’s time to tell you that i’m a dude”

the mans face went straight.

“god, i’m obviously kidding... what’s your name?”

“bokuto, yours?”

“y/n”

you both shook hands.

“now tell me y/n, as an athlete i know the main reasons of someone passing out like that.”

“are you anemic?” he asked.

you shook your head. then his face softened. oh, maybe he is smart.

out of nowhere, you started to tear up.

“are you okay?”

why do people ask that? when they ask that i cry even more.

he was a stranger, so you might aswell vent to him.

“it’s just been so hard keeping up with this body. you know how many times i just wanted to eat? like a fuck ton of food? but i literally couldn’t. i was hungry, yet when i looked at a fry it reminded me of my bullies. it fucking sucks.” you finally sobbed out. you were holding it in for so long, if felt kind of free to let it out. you looked over at bokuto, and he just listened intently. like he actually cared about your well-being.

“if i may, could i help you with that?” he got up the bench and lent out a hand.

and the rest was history. so when you heard those words out of bokuto’s mouth you instantly cried even more.

“obviously i’m not fucking starving myself.” you sharply stated.

“yeah no trust me y/n it’s pretty obvious that you’re not.”

the room was silent. did he just imply that i was fat?

“wait y/n-”

“have fun sleeping on the fucking couch” you slammed your shared bedroom door.

while it was closed, you immediately took off all your clothing. as you were just in your underwear, you grabbed your stomach. the fact that you could grab a handful of it, made you insecure again. like you were in high school. after a minute, you physically couldn’t look at yourself anymore. once your head hit the pillow you drifted off to sleep. having sleep for dinner feels oddly familiar.

when you slammed your door, bokuto had guilt written all over his face. he didn’t even understand why he said that. was he uncomfortable of how good his life was? and if that was the case, why did he have to jeopardize it this way? he finally realized that the life he had yesterday ago was pure happiness. he respected your wishes into sleeping on the couch that night. but, the next day he was going to make it all up to you.

as the sun just started to shine, he woke purposefully woke up early. hitting the farmers market to buy new ingredients for breakfast. his thoughts consisted of “y/n will like this” and “y/n loves these.” then, when he got home, he started cooking. whilst flipping the pancakes, he made sure to add extra love to it. he stacked the cakes with fresh berries on top, and a dazzle of “syrup goodness,” he likes to say.

as he knocks on the door and turns the knob, you weren’t there. his heart immediately dropped. he put down your breakfast on the dresser and his knees fell. crying for you. praying that you would come back.

his loud sniffles bothered you while you were shitting.

you yelled from the connected bathroom of your master, “BABE WHY ARE YOU CRYING”

silence.

you hear loud pattering running up to the bathroom and the door slammed open.

he quickly ran over to you and wrapped his arms around your head, “Y/N, MY DEAR Y/N, YOU’RE STILL HERE! MY PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED I AM SO SORRY THAT I SAID THAT I DIDNT MEAN IT, EVEN IF YOU WERE TO GET BIG THERE’D BE MORE TO LOVE AND YOU’D BE SQUIS-”

“okay that’s enough i get it.” you frowned.

“bo, this would be more romantic... if i currently wasn’t taking a shit, could you let go of me?”

“no.” he said, with the same face used when you guys met and told him you were a dude.

after you finished your business, you hopped in the shower, and so did he. never in your life have you seen someone so excited to shampoo your hair. while the conditioner soaked, you turned around facing him.

“so, i’m really okay the way i am?” you faintly whispered.

he shut you up with a passionate kiss. clearly annoyed that you would say that. first it was on your lips, slowly down your nape, then to your stomach.

you blushed at the fact that he skipped your boobs. or so you thought. out of nowhere he grips your right one with force and says “hey if i feed you enough, could i possibly make these bigger?” he smirked.

you rolled your eyes and got out. you could hear bokuto solemnly whining in the background. you truly loved this man. with all your heart.

Depression food

Everyone talks about how important it is to eat well when you're depressed in spite of how hard that is to do when you're depressed, if only because you don't have the cognitive ability to think of something to eat. So I'm compiling a list of depression foods.

Ideally these should meet as many of the following criteria as possible:

SUPER EASY TO PREPARE (sometimes all we're up to is opening a package)

long shelf life (we need to be able to eat even when we're not able to go to the store to buy fresh food. I fucking love avocados but you're not going to see them here because they have a usable window of about two hours, and when you're depressed you don't need the shame and sorrow that comes from missing that window)

comforting

nutritious, or at least not ridiculously unhealthy

contain more than one food group (cuz you know we're not gonna be preparing two separate food things)

Here's what I have so far, in no particular order:

Stir fry (can contain literally anything)

Sesame noodles

Fried rice

Bread & cheese (try not to live off nothing but this if you ever want to poo again)

Ice cream

Chicken pillows (I don't know what these are actually called. They're frozen stuffed chicken breasts. My favourite is broccoli and cheese, but there's also ham and cheese as well as garlic butter?)

Cream of Wheat

Cheese and tomato sandwich

Bottled smoothies like Happy Planet

V8/vegetable juice

Frozen tv dinners like Hungry Man

Snack size apple sauce or canned fruit

Frozen corn dogs

Frozen pizza (with as many toppings as possible for nutrients)

Frozen pot stickers

Blueberries and/or bananas and yogurt

Hard boiled eggs (boil a bunch and throw them in the fridge for later!)

Pasta with jarred sauce, chopped tomato, jarred olives, basil, grated cheese, olive oil, whatever

Hot dogs with sauerkraut (or cheese)

Fruit when it's in season

Tortilla chips with salsa and sour cream

Smoothies: frozen fruit/veg, dairy, Carnation instant breakfast, oats, etc. (from @cathsith)

Leftovers

Breakfast burrito (tortilla, scrambled eggs -- microwave --, cheese, salsa, whatever)

Mug cake: Sometimes the idea of food is so unappealing that only something hot and chocolatey fresh out of the oven will do. Fortunately this cake only takes 3 minutes to make.

Easy and Appealing Fruit (from @castillon02)

TIPS:

Remember folks, disposable dishes and cutlery are totally OK!

If none of the options is appealing enough to seem worth the effort, drink some water. Often food is more appetizing after some water, and if nothing else, at least you drank some water!

I reblog pretty pictures of food under my #food tag. When I'm having trouble motivating myself to eat, I find that scrolling my #food tag and looking at the pictures makes me hungry, which can help get me into the kitchen.

When my anxiety is keeping me from me from eating anything ("That's too unhealthy," "That's too much work," "I'd have to wash dishes," "Oh you should save that for your daughter," "You already ate that today," "That doesn't taste good," "That's too cold," "That's too hot," "That will make you constipated," "That will make you fat," "That will take too long," etc., etc. This is the "freeze" part of "fight, flight or freeze"), I take a little break from thinking about food and do a relaxation exercise (see my pinned post).

Please add your own suggestions!

Let Them Eat Cake: Henry Cavill

Author’s Note: Ahhh, this is like my favorite little fluff series. Thanks for the request. You’re great! Happy Reading.

Requested: Can you do a part 3 of Our fault maybe they found out the gender?

Pairings: Henry Cavill X Reader

Warnings: None

Masterlist

 “Henry!” You called from outside of the dressing room. “I have to pee.”

This would not be an obstacle if you didn’t have your two twins grabbing at your legs, awaiting their dad to come out of the dressing room.

“Send them in here.” He called.

Henry was a shopper, mostly online, but when it came to clothes, he could stay in a luxury store for hours with his stylist looking for things. You would enjoy it, but the pressure on your bladder was about to have you embarrassed.

The door opened, and your husband stood there with the slate dress pants and no shirt on. He clearly did this to show off the amazing body he’d achieved with his two-day workouts. Your mouth dropped, and he winked at you. “You don’t have to stare, you married it.”

“Don’t be cocky.” You hand him your purse. “I’ll be back.” Waddling through the store in a frenzied state drew on more attention than Henry. You faked a smile looking at the restroom sign nearly half a mile away. Malls were dumb, and so was wearing these wedged heels. You walked thinking of the night’s events that lie ahead; your best friend had planned a small reveal party at your home. The kids were helping, especially Bennet. Being the oldest of five was already a feat, but there were two more on the way.

Ten minutes later, you found your family. Henry had strapped Chance to his chest and holding the hand of Cole. “There is our superwoman.” He pointed to you and headed over. He was the only person that could handle twins and all of his bags. “You okay?”

“Perfectly fine.” You kissed his cheek. The Reveal party was already set up, so the drive home was the only thing keeping you from knowing what you were having, and it just happened to be an hour out. “Ready to go?”

You two walked to the car in near silence, Henry occasionally mumbling something under his breath. He opened the door for you and then strapped the twins in the backseat and handed them their juice. “Something clearly is on your mind.” Henry started the car, and his blue eyes fixated on you. “I told Bennet to make sure the reveal doesn’t scare the shit out of you, I know he likes the wow factor.”

“Nothing is wrong with me.” But it wasn’t necessarily the truth. You were nervous, the boys were great. You were surrounded by them. But it would be amazing to have a baby girl in the picture. It was certain that Henry knew that you were nervous. He read you easily.

“I have said it one million times, but I am happy with whatever we have, just as long as they are healthy.”

“Me too.” You touched your stomach, a habit you had tried to not have, but touching them was a comfort for you. “A girl would be nice.”

“Yes. She would be.” Henry pulled into traffic gracefully.

 You had to dress quickly in the outfit Bennet had picked. A Pink dress with the S on it. You were clearly team, Girl. You slipped into the pink tennis shoes and then prepped in the mirror. You weren’t doing makeup because it was no doubt that you would sweat it off. Henry appeared behind you in the mirror, the pink shirt cupped his arms perfectly, accentuating those huge biceps. “You’re wearing pink?”

“Yeah, I have two girl names picked out.” He said with a slight curve in his lips. “Henrietta and Henriette.”

“Oh my god, no sir. You have lost your shit.”

“Somewhat, we can make their middle name after you.” He teased.

The house was destroyed, ballons everywhere accompanied by toys and an occasional half-eaten cake. Bennet knew how to throw a party. Henry walked through the mess picking up the trash and tossing it into the black trash bag. You nibbled on the cold pizza, which was the last thing you should be eating before bed. “I swear they just got some cake to make sure there were no leftovers.” He laughed and disposed of another plate.

“Of course they did; you literally screamed  ‘Let them eat cake.”

“They kept asking.” He chuckled. “Why are you still sad in the kitchen at one in the morning?”

It was easy looking back on how you fell for Henry, he was charismatic, charming, and handsome, but most importantly, he was your best friend. Even now, with what seems like one hundred kids later, he had a way of knowing just exactly how you were feeling.

“We’ve got two girls,” Henry added. “And the boys all went to stay with their grandma upstate. So we also have this whole place alone for two days.”

“We’re about to be swimming in kids.”

“We are already swimming in them. Chance called me Witcher today. He literally said, and I am not kidding, ‘Go away witcher,’ I felt like I was back on set.”

The kids running around in little silver wigs had been a highlight of the evening, even if Henry had freaked out just a little. “It’s not too much?”

“It’s not anywhere near enough.” He whispered.

Maybe it was your hormones, but the anxiousness had settled over you. In about four months, there were going to be two more mouths to feed in a household that had seven already. You ate the last bite of pizza and then turned to face Henry. “Not enough?”

“Not nearly.” Henry folded his arms over his chest. “All these little minions running around here are a symbol to the world that I love you, I love you so fucking much I can’t keep my hands to myself. I don’t mind the children, I don’t mind the messy house… I love it.”

“You’re so calm.”

“I drank three beers.” He winked and pressed his lips tenderly to yours. “It’s super easy to be calm when you’re half sloshed.” Henry wrapped his arms around you, and when you’re still in love with the woman who sniffs books.”

“I don’t think you’re ever going to let me live that down.”

“Of course not, you full-on smelled that book. It was the moment I knew that I had to be in your life somehow. Who doesn’t love a book sniffer?”

“Shut up.” You giggled. “That feels like a century ago.”

“It was nine years ago.” He smirked.  He had icing on his cheek and chest, it was clear the day had beat him. You darted your tongue out, licking the icing from his chest, and he grinned. “Still hungry?”

“Starved.” You tugged at his shirt, and he obliged your wishes pulling it over his head and kissing you once more.

“Do you have the energy for this?” Henry didn’t stop you from licking his chest and then standing on your tiptoes to kiss him again. The look on his face was drained but highly amused at your stamina.

“You don’t.” You kissed him once more. “Go to sleep, daddy.” You tugged at his bottom lip, and he growled.

“Call me that again, and all the energy I don’t have will return.” He cocked his brow.

“Is that a promise?”

“Oh, it’s certainly a promise.” Henry yawned. “Come with,” He grabbed your hand and headed towards the steps. “The cake can wait until morning.”

Previous Part

** Taking Fluffy Requests for this series! What do you want to see next?”

Chapter 6

AN: Haven’t watched the new season yet. But unfortunately, I fell victim to spoilers and bitch…I’m not ready. Also, I’m not even going to talk about how late this shit is, I’m truly sorry. But hey, quarantine calls for major writing and catching up! Hope you enjoy!! The end, I know the saying is “Old habits die hard” But it kind of makes more sense what i have, whatever blah blah blah...ignore me! Enjoy and all feedback is welcome!!

DISCLAIMER: I DON’T OWN ANYTHING OF ON MY BLOCK. I ONLY OWN MY CHARACTERS, DAISY, JACKIE, MADELINE, AND ANDREW.

 Rollerworld. Do I think it’s real? Ehh kinda. So, I think that the robbery was real, and that Lil Ricky and some other Santos hid the money. But it’s still a little far-fetched. I mean if you think about it someone would've found the money by now. Right?

“So now Jamal has the boys roped into believing that the money is real. It’s stupid right?” Oh, that’s right, I was supposed to be listening to Monse.

“Yeah...yeah that’s crazy but Monse, what if he’s right?” Turning in my seat I connect with identical chocolate eyes. It’s strange, it’s like I'm looking in a mirror. “What if they robbed the bank, okay, then they hid the money so that only the chosen one can find it.”

“Not you too,” She sighed and threw her head back. “Jamal said the same thing. Someone called him the ‘chosen one’ and that he’d be the one to find the money.”  Strange.

“Anyways, what are you guys doing for Halloween? I hope y’all aren’t going out trick or treating-”

“I’m not ready to date Cesar!” Monse yells.

“Okay...”

“Did you not hear me?”

“Oh no, I heard you loud and clear.” Smacking my lips as I take a sip from my glass. “You said you weren’t ready to date Cesar.”

“Does that not surprise you?”

“No…”

“Well, why not?”

“Monse, you’re 14, nobody expects you to be in love. But there’s definitely something between you two.” Shrugging I get up to take our empty dishes to the kitchen.

“Definitely not in love…but how could I ever date a Santos? Cesar has changed, he’s not safe anymore.”

~~

“Let me be very clear Daisy, you will never be involved with a Santos. All they do is kill and walk around like they own the world, it’s too dangerous for you.”

“Just like the Prophets then?”

“Don’t, you know it’s not like that Daisy. The-”

“They’re all the same, the Prophets, the Santos, Bloods, Crips. They all walk around like someone owes them something. I’m not afraid of anything dad, I can handle myself.”

“Not when you’re carrying around one of those things. For goodness sakes Daisy, the guy that got you pregnant was just locked up and you’re just walking around here like nothing happened…”

“No,”

“I don’t want this life for you Daisy. You’re not going to make it. That baby is going to be raised om a broken home with no father. Things like this don’t end well. You and Oscar won’t make it Daisy.”

“JUST STOP!” A white porcelain plate fell to the ground in a million pieces.

“Daisy you need to calm down.” A very blurry Monte walks towards me slowly with his hands out in front of him, like he was trying to assist a wild animal.

“No, everyone goes on about my choices. What about yours and mamas. Both of you have made mistakes, but in the end both of you are doing just fine.” Once that first tear broke free, the rest followed like a broken stream. I fell to ground clutching my chest and before I knew it, I was wailing like a banshee. Strong arms wrapped around me, as I was pulled into a warm chest.

“It’s going to be okay baby, I promise.” Kisses were littered across my forehead.

~~

“Let me tell you something Monse. You can feel however you want to feel about anyone. Just know that whatever happens, it’s all on you. You’re old enough to know from right and wrong.” Groaning, my knees pop as I get from my kneeling position in front of Monse. “Date him if you want to, there’s nothing wrong with it. Just remember what the consequences are.”

“But you dated Oscar, were you never afraid he would put you in danger?”

“He never, not once, put my life in danger. I was his world.”

“Then what happened, why do you hate him now?” A loud click echoes through the now quiet and dimly lit living room, as I lock the dead bolt on the front door.

“Goodnight Monse!”

~~

HAllOWeEn

My favorite time of the year, trick or treating, decorated pumpkins, little kids in cute costumes, the eeriness of going out at nighttime, hauntings, and the spookiness of not knowing what lurks in the-

“BOO!” Dark. Yelping, I jump so hard that I manage to fling orange icing at the cause of my heart attack.

“Andrew, I really hate you!” my feet move before I could even think, I’m snatching paper towels and stomping over towards him to clean up the mess.

“Hey, well this is a big surprise. I didn’t expect to get hit with icing. Also isn’t today your day off?” He turns around once I finish wiping down his shirt, to hang up his black denim levi jacket.

“It is, well was, I decided to come in and give an extra hand.” Shrugging I move back to the bowl filled with icing and resume lathering the cake.

“Or are you avoiding a certain someone?” Here we go.

“Nope, I’m trying to do my job Andrew, and you’re slowing me down. So, shut up and stop it.” Not gonna lie, I was avoiding said person. I don’t want anything to do with him right now, but I feel it deep in my bones that I’m gonna end up with him tonight. A bell tinkled as the front door to the bakery opened.

“I say we go to Brentwood!”

“No, we don’t leave out the house tonight, I say we stay in and watch movies.” Glancing up I see Ruby, Jamal, Monse, and Olivia walk in and sit down at a corner booth.

“What’s wrong with going out?” Olivia turned her head to the side looking at Monse.

“Last year we got rolled up on. Not fun at all. But hey, scary movies are just as fun.”

“Let’s go to Brentwood.”

“I say we go out tonight, think we go somewhere different, -“

“Brentwood…”

“Brentwood, let’s go to Brentwood.”

“It is safer, bigger houses, that means better candy!” Monse enthusiastically replies leaning closer to Olivia. “But what about Cesar?”

“What about him?”

“Where will he be?”

“Riding in Oscar’s Impala, why does it even matter?”

“Just asking I thought it’d be good to include him; he is a part of the group.” The questioning went back and forth for a while, before they went on to tease each other. I slide the cake in the fridge to firm before heading to the front with cookies, and cupcakes and laying them on the table in front of them.

“I’m feeding y’all sweets before trick or treating, y’all better start loving me more.” I love you’s were quickly spread around the group.

“So, I guess you’re going out?”

“Do you wanna give us- “

“Hell no,” Laughing I turn around to check the checkout line. “I’m not getting mixed up in any foolery tonight, I’m staying in and handing out candy, but um good luck!” Walking into the kitchen I hang my apron and fetch my belongings.

“Someone let Maddie know I’m gone for the day!” I welcome the warm fresh kiss against my face as I step outside, I just smell trouble.

~~

For the rest of the evening I’m cleaning the kitchen, swiffering the floors, and dancing around to music when I get a knock at the door.

“Oh, my first trick or tr-eaters.” I all but run to the door just to be met with chocolate eyes adorned with a teardrop and white teeth.

“Trick or treat!”

“Sorry, I’m not handing any candy out tonight.” I try to close the door, but I’m met with force.

“Let me in Daisy, we need to talk.” Knowing he wasn’t going to leave until I follow his orders, I place the bowl on the accent table by the door and make my way back to the kitchen.

“How come every time you want to talk; it has to be on your terms? When I wanted to talk you weren’t up to it.”

He scoffs, “How come you didn’t want to talk all those years ago?”

“If you’re going to continue to bring it up then you can find your way back out my damn door,” Placing my hands on my wide hips. “Now, are you hungry?”

“Feed me mamacita, you know I’m always hungry.” Quickly I warm some leftovers, creamy shrimp Alfredo with garlic bread. Small talk was made as we ate, and trick or tr-eaters came and went. Everything was calm until Oscar got a weird text message.

“I gotta go!” He mumbles through clenched teeth.

“Woah, woah, what’s going on? Is everything okay?” Jumping up, I trail after him to the door.

“Cesar needs me.” I grab his arm and turn him to face me.

“What happened to him? Is he hurt?”

“No, but he and his friends crashed a pa- “

“Wait, he went with them tonight?” He nods, “I’m going with you and don’t try to stop me, Monse is with them. So, I’m going!” Within 5 minutes I’m perched in the passenger side of his red impala and we’re speeding to Brentwood. A large and warm hand is placed upon my thigh and that’s when I realized how bad I was shaking.

“They’re okay, no one is seriously hurt.” Yeah, that wasn’t very convincing. My fucking nerves are fried. His hand stays there the rest of the way. Brentwood is one beautiful neighborhood. For the rich. The kids come into view as he comes to a stop in front of some party, with a group of young boys standing outside. Before I can even think, Oscar is out and speed walking to the kid dressed up like a Cholo. Oh fuck.

“Spooky!” I yell as soon as I step out the car. He begins whispering and the poor kid starts shaking. Footsteps come rushing over when I hear a familiar voice call my name. I meet the halfway and carefully check everyone over before I return my focus to Oscar.

“What do you want?” I guess you don’t mess with anyone Oscar loves.

~~

We drop Monse off at dads, with the promise of me coming back to pick her up later, and everyone else at Ruby’s. Oscar comes back to my house to “make sure I make it back safe”.

“I’ll be okay Oscar, I promise. Plus, I’m going to get Monse in a bit.”

“I wasn’t going to hurt him.” Blowing air, I turn to face him.

“If he would’ve drew blood from any of them, would you have hurt him?” He looks me in my eyes, and I feel goosebumps rise as he starts moving towards me.

“I don’t like when someone messes with the people I love, or who they love.” One step backwards for every step forward.

“You didn’t answer my question.” I whisper as my back hits a wall. His hands immediately come to rest on my face.

“I’ll kill anyone who hurts my loved ones.” Soft lips fall upon mine, and before I know it my thighs are wrapped around his waist and we’re on our way to my bedroom. Well tonight didn’t go as planned. Especially once I end up underneath him. Bad habits die hard they say…and you Oscar Diaz, you’re my bad habit…

TAG: @mbaku-babygirl @izraahh1 @shesbriaanayy @aka-eb @yxseminx

Quarantine, Day 128

July 17

Tonight it rained very hard around 6:30, not for long, but long enough to be very dangerous for kittens who live in a fucking storm drain. The kiddo and I went out in the worst of the rain to the drugstore parking lot, just hoping that the storm drain hadn't flooded out, or that we'd be able to see where they were. The drain didn't flood out, but it did have a lot of water going into it, and we didn't see any kittens. I did a long slow pass around the whole strip mall, looking for any sign of them in bushes or behind fences. By the time we got back to the drain the rain was already letting up and I was able to spot one gray tabby kitten just inside the drain. I put out some food and we watched. Eventually two gray tabby kittens came up and ate, and then the mama raced over across the grass from wherever she had been that was not the storm drain. She gave me the stink-eye, ignored the food and disappeared down the tunnel part of the drain. I didn't see her again, or the third gray tabby kitten or the tuxie kitten. Right now we're just hoping for the best and trying to make trapping arrangements before it rains again. Sometimes rescue kinda sucks. 

I stopped by the rescue today and got new food for Barry and Bixby, plus Barry's new eye meds. His eye is looking very good and he is being a dollbaby about letting me rub ointment on his eyes twice a day. I swear, there might be a little clear discharge coming from one of his eyes, but after dealing with Latte and Jackie who were both nearly blind before I started eye medication on them, it's practically unnoticeable. I talked with the rescue coordinator about what we're going to do with them while I'm at the wedding, and we went over a few possible scenarios. It's looking most likely that I will send them to a higher-traffic household for the ten days we are gone, sort of a step-up foster to get them ready for the kitten room at the shelter. My quiet and peaceful kitten room is exactly what neonates need to grow and thrive, but to go from that straight into the controlled chaos of the shelter would probably be too much of a shock. This will give them enough time for Barry to get fixed and for both of them to get used to more noise, action and animals. They should do well. Fingers crossed! 

We _still_ have not heard yet what's going to happen at the start of the school year. I got another email from the school division saying that they were still working on it but hadn't finalized things, then laying out the 1:1 technology plan for the year. Basically every student needs a device of some sort for the school year. Littles get iPads, mediums get Chromebooks, bigs get laptops. You either send your kid with their own device that you already have, pay 50 dollars to rent one and be completely responsible if anything happens to it while it is transported back and forth (assuming schools open), or you can take the worst of both worlds and buy one from their vendor. I took a look at the "discounted price" for the Chromebook they offered, 327 dollars. For a fucking Chromebook for a ten year old. The actual honest-to-god laptop we bought him for Chri-birthday this year cost less than that. The Chromebook I got my husband for Christmas (we had a lot of end of year computer disasters last year) cost half that. My laptop I'm using now is one I purchased at a school district surplus auction, wiped and refurbished myself, it cost 60 dollars and I've been using it for three years. What kind of universe do school administrators live in, and can I get paid enough to live there too? I know we make maybe half of the average family income for our area, but we are not the poorest people in the school district. What are they supposed to do? 

In other news, the day old bread store does not appear to be selling tortillas anymore, a fact that makes me very sad. Tortillas are a staple of our cuisine around here, and not being able to get them for a dollar a bag is going to crimp my style some. I was hoping to get some today to use for extremely inauthentic beef carnitas made out of some leftover roast beef, but now I either need to put them on the Walmart list or make my own. It's still better than back in March though, when I ventured out to the day-old bread store and found walls of empty shelves, a handful of snack cakes, and maybe twenty loaves of the cheapest white bread offered at full retail price. I think that may have been the most visceral "there is something seriously wrong with the world" moment that I had before the schools actually closed down. (And yes, I bought a couple loaves of bread that day.) Today I was able to get bread, hotdog buns, cinnamon raisin bread, and any of a couple dozen types of sliced loaf bread, but no tortillas. I suppose I can always make my own, even though I still can't get any damn yeast. 

One more week until our trip. I am hoping that if we get our COVID tests done on Monday we'll have results by Saturday, but who even knows anymore? At least we are all feeling good and healthy, knock on wood. 

50 Questions You’ve Never Been Asked

Tagged by @citrusveins ✨🌟:) thanks for the tag citrus!

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?:

It’s got that like duo chrome/oil slick paint on it. I don’t know how else to describe it?

2. Name a food you never eat?:

Hm, Steak. Honestly most meat I prefer to stay away from. I’m not like officially vegetarian but I’ve never really enjoyed meat that much.

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?:

Too cold! I have a space heater in my room and I bring a jacket with me everywhere cause I’m always freezing.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?:

I was on a conference call with my boss discussing some t-shirt designs I’m working on.

5. What is your favorite candy bar?:

Hershey’s chocolate bar with almonds in it. <3 I slap that baby between two nature valley bars and BAM, you got yourself a vending machine smore.

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports event?:

No lmao. But I did enjoy going to all the football games in high school if that counts for anything.

7. What is the last thing you said out loud?:

“Okay, sure.” (Visiting my parents and my mother asked if I could check their mail)

8. What is your favorite ice cream?:

LEMON. And in a waffle cone to be precise. But if that isn’t an option I will take any kind of coffee flavor.

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?:

Coffee. Still working through the cup I poured this morning.

10. Do you like your wallet?:

Yes. It’s shaped like a rainbow and it’s pastel but kinda clear and v cute if I do say so myself. 🌈

11. What was the last thing you ate?:

Some of my leftover lemon birthday cake. I really like lemon if you haven’t picked up on that lmao.

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?:

Nah, but I did buy wall decor for my bedroom.

13. The last sporting event you watched?:

Probably... the Super Bowl like a year or two ago... maybe?

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?:

White cheddar but I usually don’t eat it just cause the texture kinda bothers me.

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?:

My coworker. It was in response to a rupaul gif she sent to our work gc.

16. Ever go camping?:

Embarrassingly enough I think I have to admit that I’m a bit too high maintenance for camping. I love nature though! But if I can’t stay in like a cabin or RV then it’s not really for me. ☠️

17. Do you take vitamins?:

Yes. It takes forever to get through them all in the morning.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?:

Nope. Had enough religious trauma the first 17 years of my life, don’t plan on revisiting that experience lmao.

19. Do you have a tan?:

NO BUT I USED TO DAMMIT. But, I chose the life of someone who works inside all day. 😪

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?:

ChineseFoodChineseFoodChineseFoodChineseFoodChineseF- 🥡🥢

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?:

I don’t really drink soda but every now and then I say fuck it and have a coke if I need to pull an all-nighter or something.

22. What color socks do you usually wear?:

Black.

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit?:

Only when I’m on the highways cause I travel back and forth between two cities a lot. That drive is so exhausting so sometime I push the limit when there aren’t a lot of cars around.

24. What terrifies you?:

Public speaking for like serious events. Straight up passed out a few times. But if it’s for fun stuff or casual presentations it’s not too bad.

25. Look to your left, what do you see?:

Pillows. I’m laying in bed while I answer these.

26. What chore do you hate?:

Laundry D; I don’t like how long it takes to fold everything and put it away!

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?:

Americans who love to do terrible Australian accents lmao.

28. What’s your favorite soda?:

Coke. Don’t drink it very often though.

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thrus?:

Drive thru only. I got things to do, hennie.

30. Who’s the last person you talked to?:

My dad.

31. Favorite cut of beef?:

None. I don’t like beef. 🤢

32. Last song you listened to?:

Beast by Mia Martina

33. Last book you read?:

Some book on ancient Andean art for the art history class I finished like a week ago.

34. Favorite day of the week?:

Friday! Friday afternoons when I’m free from work feel so so good :,)

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?:

It would take me so unbearably long.

36. How do you like your coffee?:

Strong, and preferably iced. More on the bitter side than the sweet side.

37. Favorite pair of shoes?:

My white adidas 80s Continentals. I am a slut for adidas sneakers OTL.

38. The time you normally go to sleep?:

Usually 2 A.M. or somewhere around that.

39. The time you normally get up?:

I get up at about 8 or 9 AM but I don’t usually get out of bed until like 10:30 or 11. I am trash, I know.

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets?:

It’s hard to choose but probably sunsets. Watching the sun set over the water and the clouds get all pink and purple and the sand looking all glowy... ugh I love it.

41. How many blankets on your bed?:

Two ✌🏼.

42. Describe your kitchen plates:

All black. That’s it. Lmao

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?:

I don’t really drink but lemon drops if I’m out at a bar. (piña-coladas on the beach fucking SLAP tho so maybe that.)

44. Do you play cards?:

I used to all the time but it’s been years.

45. What color is your car?:

Gold and I hate it. I refuse to acknowledge that thing as my car.

46. Can you change a tire?:

No... & I didn’t come here to get shamed ☠️

47. Your favorite province?:

I am from the U.S. so I’m just gonna... skip this one I guess lol

48. Favorite job you’ve ever had?:

My current job as a Graphic designer.

49. How did you get your biggest scar?:

Fell on concrete at recess as a kid and busted up most of my left knee pretty bad.

50. What did you do today that made someone else happy?:

Hm... made my bosses and my coworker laugh in our skype call with my general tom foolery I guess. But I’ll probably spam my best friend some dumb tiktoks later that I know will make her laugh.

Hm, I think I’ll tag the last few peeps from my notes ✨ feel free to do this if you’d like. No pressure though! 💛 @icychill @eloquentdreams @tobiodel-ay-ee-hoo and anyone else who sees this and wants to participate!!

I feel like I’ve been overthinking food and my weight a lot lately. Past couple nights I’ve had dreams about weight and this weekend, I’ve felt super anxious about food. My boyfriend’s mother was up from Saturday until this morning and she lowkey exhausted the fuck out of me. Sometimes I wonder if she even understands the definition of chill, she always wants to run around and do something and go places like there’s never a relaxing day with her. Yesterday, we went to four different thrift stores, three of which were Goodwill, and that alone was exhausting as fuck. What made it even worse is that the concept of eating when she’s up is always so...stressful. She just never fucking eats, and neither does my boyfriend, but she’s always wanting to take us out to eat but neither of them care where we go so then all the pressure to make a decision almost always rests on me. And then it takes us like an hour to decide where to eat and I’ll be starving and I’ll just want to like eat toast or some shit for breakfast but then I don’t want to eat only for them to be like “Okay let’s go out and get food” and me not be hungry, you know? I feel like it’s socially unacceptable to not eat if you’re going out to a restaurant so there’s always this paranoia about social standards and shit. On Sunday, we went to WingStop and got some food and we ate in the restaurant which we never fucking do (we always just get food to go) and I mean, wings are fucking messy. I was hungry and I wanted to eat (even though I knew there was a very high chance I’d get sick because we were going to the movies afterward which is a hardcore HIGH ANXIETY environment for me and I try to avoid it at all fucking costs) but in the back of my mind all I could think about was how fucking ridiculous I looked, I was making a huge fucking mess, I had sauce all over my hands and all over my face. This one woman walked into the restaurant to order some food herself and she laughed at me, saying that’s how she was going to look once she got her order. On one hand, I was super self-conscious but on the other I didn’t even care? Or maybe that’s what I kept trying to tell myself, that I didn’t give a fuck if I, a full grown adult, was eating wings like a toddler eats cake on her birthday (or anything on any day, for that matter). Yesterday was perhaps the worst in regards to my relationship with food, though. For starters, I was beginning to feel insanely burnt out. His mother had been running us ragged all weekend and last week was the week from hell, I could not catch a break, topped off with the fact that I relapsed in the self harm department last Wednesday, told my therapist and boyfriend about it on Thursday, and then had a massive argument with my boyfriend about it over text messaging that took up all Friday afternoon and left me in hysterical tears for four hours straight, so all I had the capacity to do was clean the house in preparation for this weekend. I was so looking forward to a three-day weekend, too, but unfortunately I couldn’t even enjoy some R+R because of his mother. The only thing keeping me going is the promise of Thanksgiving break next week, honestly, even though I know the minute we come back from that it’s all downhill from there prepping for finals. But anyways, so yesterday I was feeling super burnt out which was bad enough but then that made the food issues even worse. By the time we got ready and figured out what we wanted to do, we didn’t eat our first meal of the day until fucking 2pm and I was already starting to feel dizzy and nauseous. We went to an unfamiliar restaurant where I got a good burger that I ate in it’s entirety, which led to my boyfriend’s mother commenting “She’s hungry!!” and halfway through my food I started getting some serious food-vertigo (which is basically a thing I just made up where sometimes the prospect of eating makes me dizzy and I start to feel kind of sick and anxious). This food-vertigo and exhaustion lasted throughout the entire rest of the day as I was dragged to four different thrift stores and Sam’s Club (I find it funny that after all of this, his mother had the audacity to say she didn’t get everything done up here that she wanted and that the time flew by way too fast like um okay...). I was grateful that she bought me a hoodie I found to use for a Hinata cosplay and my own bluetooth beanie after getting my boyfriend one for his birthday, like I will never say no to someone buying something for me, I was just simultaneously so fucking tired. I knew I had to keep going, though, because there was one thing I definitely wanted to get done today and that was to take the annual park picture that my boyfriend and I have taken in front of this waterfall in a nearby park every year on his birthday since we’ve been together. The picture has to be taken at night, though, when the waterfall is lit up, so we had to wait. We decided to go to dinner beforehand at this semi-fancy restaurant that I had also never eaten in before that gave me some mild anxiety. It was dark inside and the ceilings were high and the tables were marble so shiny you could see the ceiling reflected in them which gave me serious anxiety/vertigo. I wasn’t even hungry, either, but I picked at some garlic knots that tasted pretty good. We did end up getting the picture even though his mother’s hands were super shaky so almost every picture she took was blurry as fuck (and she had to use my phone because both her and my boyfriend’s phones were dead af and my phone camera is shit-- I feel like only I know how to properly work it and make the pictures come out decent). At least we did get a decent picture in the end, though, and then we went home for at least some relaxation before bed. Even this morning/today, though, the food anxiety has persisted. All I ate today before “dinner” was a croissant for breakfast which was delicious and I fucking love croissants, my anxiety was just so bad that I still felt kind of vertigo-y as I ate and even with sleeping in an extra fifteen minutes, I was fucking exhausted. All of this was well and good but I didn’t even mention the worst part of all of this: my boyfriend’s mother had a stomach bug the entire time she was here. Apparently she started feeling sick on Thursday night or something, was going to call out of work Friday, but came up on Saturday anyways because yesterday was my boyfriend’s birthday and she refused to miss spending it with him. So on top of everything else, I was also struck with the fear of her getting unexpectedly sick no matter what we did or where we went, as well as stuck with the nuisance of her complaining about how she hadn’t eaten anything since Thursday and that she couldn’t eat and that her stomach was bothering her so much. It made me even more anxious because all I could think about was her puking in the only bathroom in the house and then myself having to interact with that (the toilet that would have been since contaminated with her stomach bug germs) or her running to the bathroom with hand clasped over mouth or something equally nerve-wracking. Every time we went out to eat, she’d barely get any food and anything she did eat was so fucking panicky to watch like all I could think about was her vomiting it all back up again and the risk of that. It made eating even less enjoyable for me, the not-so-friendly neighborhood emetophobic. And now, tonight, I am struck with the horrifying fear that I may have just walked right into a trap. I ate her barely-touched leftovers from Saturday night for dinner and now I’m feeling so nauseous but I can’t tell if it’s because her food was contaminated with her fucking germs or if it’s just my anxiety talking. Either way, I know I cannot afford to be sick right now which makes things that much worse. I’m still so fucking exhausted, too, I still have a bit of that vertigo-y thing going on, I’m stressed, I’m anxious. Everything sucks and I overall just kind of want to die. 

And in terms of the dream, last night I dreamed that I stepped on the scale and had gained seven more pounds than the last time I weighed myself. I know I need to gain weight to be healthy but at the same time, I can’t help but feel so out of control and panicked because I know I gained weight without even trying. Yeah, I eat, like I’ll starve myself but I still eat, but the fact that I recently gained five whole fucking pounds without even trying??? And in the course of, like, a month if eve that??? That is fucking TERRIFYING. Like just...how??? Especially when I didn’t think I was doing anything different, you know? That’s just so nerve-wracking. So of course my subconscious is playing on those fears and feeding me nightmares about gaining even more weight without even trying, leaving me to feel out of control and panicked. I even keep almost gaslighting myself about the real incident, saying maybe I only dreamed that I gained five pounds and that next time I weigh myself, I’ll be back to my usual weight or something, I don’t know. It’s so weird to feel so comfortable at a consistent weight that you know is logically too low for your height and age. Like I panic when I drop too low and I panic when I gain. It’s just so fucking bizarre, I don’t know, man. Maybe I am anorexic after all. I know I have some sort of eating disorder but I’ve always told myself I was super atypical, that I never fit the criteria for any of the real eating disorders, but now...well, now I’m not so sure. I took an assessment with my therapist for this sort of stuff on Thursday morning when I last saw her, so hopefully the next time I see her I’ll get the results and know for sure what the fuck is wrong with me. I don’t know, man, right now everything is just kind of super fucked up. 

hooray I think I was productive today :) friends can read this time (except cassidy, you gotta leave, birthday spoilers) but if you figure out my secret project dont tell anybody 

uhhh I dont remember much of this morning other than I just wanted to keep sleeping and my cat was probably clawing at my sheets again. I knew I needed some tape so I could tape together patten pieces for my project and my mom needed meds picked up, so I gathered my things and went to the store by myself with my mom’s card and a short shopping list. all fuckin morning I kept repeating the Minecraft creeper song and the clip from “Korone saying eating Myke Tyson's ass Good Ending” where she has the birthday cake hat. so imagine me, sitting in my car, singing “eating, mike Tyson’s, ass. NOOO” on repeat while looking for a parking space. I ended up walking laps around the store because I didn't know where they kept the fuckin hummus and I had to text my sister and ask. then there was SO much trouble at the pharmacy. basically they didnt have my mom’s insurance on file so I put her on speakerphone while she acted like a boomer not being able to read her own insurance card. the worst part is that because the pharmacy lady was talking to my mom over the phone, I couldn't kill time and be on my phone. so I had to just STAND THERE staring into the middle distance for entirely too long playing with the 2 sets of keys I had clipped to my hand purse wallet thingy. at least I felt cool in my outfit and my boots. eventually it all pretty much worked out and I got to bring home 2 out of her 5  medications and all the groceries. but the lady at checkout thought I was struggling with the machine or an idiot or something (or maybe she was trying to be helpful, whatever) and came over to help me like 3 times. like!! I'm sorry im tired and a little overstimulated and like to take my damn time!! whatever its fine lol. afterwards I drove over to dollar tree to get tape, but I ended up getting a lot of other things too. I saw that they had a brand of tape where you could buy extra rolls without the plastic thing that holds them so I got both. there was also satin ribbon which I was very tempted to get to add to my project, but since I did have fabric to color match to I put it away. instead I got a set of tiny jars, glitter, and craft glue to make into liquid glitter jars. my first idea was to maybe make them into a necklace with fake flowers and shrinky dink fairy wings, but I think they'll just be for decoration. I wanted a snack while I was there and got some crackerjack, like from the baseball song. if you didnt know, yeah its real and its just candied popcorn and peanuts with a little sticker inside. but its really damn good! that's why I ate 2 out of the 3 boxes kn the back and shared the 3rd with my dad. after checkout I sat in the parking lot eating crackerjack straight from the box since I forgot hand sanitizer and watching tiktoks. when I tried to go home there was a huge line of cars outside the entrance to the neighborhood with an ambulance in there and police lights up front, so I turned the other way and took the other entrance. when I came home I found my mom in the process of ripping up carpet in front of her bathroom so she can replace it with tile. we had discussed this earlier today but I thought this would be an eventually project, not a today project. so I spent some time cutting carpet, ripping up foam, sweeping, and prying away the spiky wooden boarders. we need to either remove or hammer down some nails that go down into the concrete before we can start laying down tiles. I spent some time taping together my pattern pieces, cutting 1cm strips off the side of 25 pieces of paper until I got 5 long lines of 5 sheets that I would need to match up and tape together. I didnt have enough space on my bed so I brought it all out to the kitchen floor. it was the biggest clean flat surface in the house I could think of. I got frustrated about pieces not fitting perfectly and my printer cutting off important parts at the very bottom of pages, but I made it work. I roughly cut around each piece and when I brough them all back to my room, I saw my cat had gotten sick on my bed which made me more frustrated. she was asleep on my blankets and very warm so when I picked her up I was worried for a moment that she might have a fever, but she’s fine. I let her out of my room so I could take off the sheet she messed up and ran it and a couple other things through the wash. for the rest of the afternoon I let my cat stay outside without me, and she ended up staying outside for hours, never straying too far from the door but not coming inside when I invite her. I'd check up on her every so often and set her food dish. my sister kept asking me to find my wallet that had mom’s card in it which frustrated me more, and by now I was also getting hangry, so I was fuckin mad and tired and needed to be alone in my room for a bit. I have her card info saved on my phone so I just texted that to her so she could pay for food. I noticed my dad’s boss had called me and I missed it, so I called him back nd he just said It would be a couple days before any updates. I wish he would have just texted me but whatever. I sat outside with my cat while we ordered, making sure she was ok and wasn't hurting her eyes in the sun. I went in the car to pick up food but made my sister go in alone. we ate together in her room while I watched tiktoks and she worked on homework. after that I looked at the stuff u got from dollar tree and started making the 5 mini glitter jars in the bathroom. they all turned out pretty cute, but the pink and red ones are lowly leaking baby oil through the cork stopper. after that I had 2 tiny jars left, so I shoved in dried rose petals and baby’s breath and crushed leaves, all from the flowers my dad got me for valentines day. I think they turned out ADORABLE, and I'm going to borrow some earring making supplies from a friend who bought them in bulk to start a small buisness of reselling aliexpress charms as earrings but quit after a while and still had a ton of leftover supplies. I think I might want to add some twine and shrinky dink fairy wings to the earrings, so I spent a while making 2 test pieces and fucking up a scrap piece to test how to make the hole for the earring hardware. I talked to my dad bout my whole process when he walked in on me preheating the oven, and he agreed to buy the smallest drill bit the hardware store had to offer so I could just drill the hole after baking. luv u papa <3 by then it was getting a little late so I went back to my room. I only have a week or so to finish my project, and I didnt want to get into pinning and cutting fabric tonight, so instead I prepped my patterns. I zoomed into the pattern pdf so it was life sized and traced the missing edges that got cut off by my printer and cut out all the pieces with an xacto knife. I was struggling all day to figure out what the hell these 2 huge shapes labeled lower front and lower back were supposed to be, until I looked through the pdfs again and realized it wasn’t even for the version of the pattern I was using!! so I folded them up and added them to the scrap paper pile. now I have all my pattern pieces nicely prepped resting on an open drawer because otherwise my cat would step all over them. tomorrow I think I'll start pinning and cutting, but not until I read through all the instructions like 3 times and try to look up a youtube tutorial. but its 2:30 am now and im hungry, good night sleep well mwah <3

02/15/2021

Dear Diary,

I’m not gonna be writing about my day today. Instead, this entry will be a rant about my sister. I know this seems really immature, but I really need to get everything off my chest and write it all down, even if nobody sees it.

Let’s start from the very beginning.

The furthest back I can remember is 11 years ago, back when I was a little four year old girl. I don’t have many memories from back then, and the few I do have are quite hazy. However, when I do think back on them, I can clearly remember there being a blonde two year old in the majority of them. My sister. In most of my memories of her, she was chasing me around in circles trying to bite me. 

There were other memories of her, happier ones too, where the both of us were sitting on the kitchen floor eating leftover birthday cake, pretending to get married, and more. So, although we did have a few rough times, the majority of our time together was positive. 

As we got older, however, our relationship started worsening. I didn’t pay much mind to it, thinking that it was simply the start of sibling rivalry and non consequential bickering. I was dead wrong. Over the years, her OCD worsened and she became dangerously reactive when things didn’t go how she planned. If I ate one of her cupcakes, she would throw a fit and start screaming and crying, threatening to kill me if I did it again. If I put a decoration in the wrong spot, she would become violently abusive, and start hitting me. And if I ever went in her room, even if it were only for a mere second, she would lash out at me verbally and start hitting me and throwing objects at me. She became controlling and demanding, and I had to succumb to her whims, lest I wish to be harassed. Eventually, even my parents started to dance to her tune, not wishing to deal with the calamity that came when she was upset.

I believe that I was in grade 7 when things really started to take a turn for the worse, and I started to change. That was the year my sister started hanging out with all of my friends. At first, it was only a minor inconvenience. I was jealous, yeah, but I recognized that there was no harm in her expanding her friend group and hanging out with my friends as long as she let me have my alone time with them as well. But over the course of a few weeks, she started seeing them more frequently and I began to feel left out. By that point, my friends were hanging out with her more than they were with me. I tried to talk to my parents about it, but they only scorned me and said I was being “overly clingy”. A few months later, my sister has finally stolen my friends away for good; whenever I walked by them in the halls, they ignored me and all my attempts to reconcile with them were shut down. Due to this, I started to develop a grudge against my sister, as I resented her for stealing away the people I cared most about. I became clingy and controlling, and my friends often called me out on it. Subconsciously, I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was so terrified of losing my friends to my sister, that I ignored the little voice in my head that told me what I was doing was unethical.

Afterwards, I was no longer the same person. I had become more shrewd, cunning, and calculation. I twisted my words around and manipulated people like puppets on strings. I wasn’t trying to harm anyone, I just wanted to secure myself a position of power so I could better defend myself from the monster I called my sister.

A year later, in grade 8, my depression and anxiety skyrocketed. I started fighting with my family more often, having more mental breakdowns, and taking more medication (none of which helped). My sister became even more abusive (both mentally and physically). I tried to call her out on what she was doing, but everyone (my friends, teachers, parents, etc) took her side and somehow managed to shift the blame to me. That year, I learned a hard lesson: the only difference between a hero and a villain is whether or not society believes him. I have seen many a misunderstood “villain” with the noblest intentions and purest heart, who was called a monster by society. And I’ve seen “heroes”, praised by society and loved by all, who were cruel and manipulative bastards.

Grade 9 was an unusual year. It was weird, in a sense, as there were so many positives and negatives that each had unexpected consequences. In some ways, it was one of the best years of my life, and in others, it was literal hell. Once I adjusted to high school life, the year was pretty chill for the first few months. In winter, though, it became chaotic. My friend’s boyfriend choked me which caused a whole lot of drama that really just made my life even more stressful. After that, I started avoiding my old friends, which made my school life really dull. My life at home was, unfortunately, not any better. My parents were constantly nagging me about homework, projects, and grades which was really stressful. And my sister kept taunting me, making fun of my grades and criticizing my appearance. At dinner time, she would try to aggravate me and start a fight. I would usually ignore her for the first few minutes, until she hit a sensitive topic, and then all hell would break loose. Afterwards, she’d play the victim and somehow manage to pin the blame on me. She’d do this over and over, time and time again, and somehow neither of my parents ever caught on. Eventually, she started provoking my parents as well and starting fights with them. She’d openly taunt them at the dinner table and start criticizing them until they eventually snapped. My parents would tell her that she was pushing buttons and being an attention seeker and get mad at her. But then, the next day, they’d forget all about it. If I tried to bring it to their attention, they’d deny it ever happened. It was infuriating... how could they excuse her horrible behaviour when it was starting to slowly rip our family apart? 

On the bright side of things, I made a lot of new friends and got to do some really fun activities!

And the best part of the year was in April, a few weeks after self quarantine began. I got my dream pony! I was soooo happy! Due to that, I was luckily able to continue riding, even during the shutdown, and spend lots of time outdoors. 

However, there were a few unfortunate drawbacks to this arrangement. I had to share my pony with my sister. Now, some of you might not think that’s a big deal, but to me it it. My pony is EXTREMELY important to me. I’d say she’s of equal importance to me as my parents are. She’s been my best friend for seven years, and I don’t know what I’d do without her. She has brought me joy when I was feeling down, taken care of me when I was hurt, and listened to me without judging. I am so, so thankful for her, and she means the world to me. So, as you can probably imagine, I was very hesitant to let my monstrous sister anywhere near her. I’m not gonna lie; there were a lot of fights caused by my unwillingness to share, in fear my sister would either harm or steal away the one person who had always been there for me. 

This year, I am in grade 10. It hasn’t been the greatest year so far. My sister has been especially abusive to me lately and she’s been reaching out to my friends, despite my attempts to stop her. So far, she’s managed to steal four of my friends away from me, which really sucks.

Right now, I’m really upset. I just had another big fight with my family. Lately, I have been doing really well in school, and as a reward, my mother decided to arrange a second weekly riding lesson for me. I was really happy about that because I have been riding for about seven years, and in all that time I’ve only gotten one lesson a week. I had tried, (without success, might I add) to convince my parents to let me have a second lesson, but they had always denied my requests. Until now. However, today I found out that they’re allowing my sister to also get a second lesson as well. And that made me really angry. For seven fucking years, I had been asking for a second lesson, and each time my parents had said no, until today. But my sister? She’s only been riding for a year and a few months and she’s given one on a silver platter without having to even lift a finger, whereas I had to work my ass off for months to improve my grades so my parents would think I was deserving of a reward. It’s not fair, everything that I have work hard for and/or wait a long time for, my sister is given immediately without having to do anything. It’s not just this, it’s literally everything! For my school ski trips, my dad would always bring my sister along, but for my sister’s ski trips, he’d leave me behind at home. And the same applies for pets! I had to write an entire essay and save up $300 to convince my parents to allow me to have a pet snake. A few months after I got my snake, my sister decided she wanted one and my parents bought her one the next day. IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR!!! 

How do my parents not realize that they aren’t treating us equally? Do they seriously believe everything is fine? They are fools, blinded by their own stupidity, disgraces to humanity.

Today my mother accused me of being a sociopath.

And y’know what?

Maybe I am.

But it’s because of  h e r  that I became so broken that I had to turn into a monster to save myself. 

Yours truly,

Anonymous

A Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s day !!  Yep, here we are, May 10th, today was Mother’s Day and I figured I’d come on here and fill you in on how my family’s day went. I know I don’t usually share many stories on here but I thought I’d make an exception for this one, because I guess I don’t really know who else to tell this to. I always said that this was a place for me to be honest, and this is just about as honest as it gets. Maybe I’ll end up deleting this or maybe I won’t but I thought putting this all on here might make me feel a little better so I’ll just go for it. 

As far as holiday’s days go I would say that this Mother’s Day ranks somewhere between Mother’s day of 2018 where my mom and I got into a big screaming argument and I left before we could even start our annual lunch and Christmas of 2011 where we ate St Hubert for Christmas Eve dinner at my aunt Gina’s house after my mother and her boyfriend, let’s call him Glenn, got into a massive argument. I’ll spare the horrific details, but a huge blowout broke out the day before Christmas Eve and our original plans to have a big dinner at his house with all of this family were obviously a no go and we ended up sulking at my aunt’s house with chicken. So yea, I’d say this mother’s day ranks definitely worse than Mother’s day of 2018 but better than the Christmas of so many years ago. 

I mean, I’m not exactly sure where our nice, simply planned Mother’s day started going awry. I know that it was sometime between dinner and desert but… you know what? If I’m going to tell the whole story I should probably start from the very beginning. 

So given that this year’s Mother’s Day would be amidst the coronavirus pandemic, it was only going to be my mother, my sister and I celebrating together, none of the usual cousins or aunts or anything like that. So my sister and I got my mom a couple of simple gifts, ordered her a big o’l cheesecake and planned a late lunch. A true rager for this here holiday. My sister even got really wild, making homemade tomato sauce and pasta from scratch, cooking being one of the skills she was very successfully developing in quarantine. I much prefer to sit and watch because my cooking specialties include things like toast and to be fair I can do a mean minute rice but other than the cooking Mother’s Day was a conjoint effort. 

However, at some point leading up to the day, my mother and big sister pulled a fast one on me and invited my mother’s boyfriend to have lunch with us. Which could have been fine, if he would have made the choice to behave, but you know choices are tough. Should I act like a perfectly normal grown adult or should I behave like a babbling nutty lunatic? Listen, I understand it’s a hard call and the lines can get a little blurred, for Mother’s Day though I believe the first one would have been more appropriate but I think he got a little confused. Maybe he thought it was Groundhog Day or the Super Bowl, people get confused all the time. 

All that to say the beginning of the day was going swimmingly. Pasta was being cooked, presents and cards had been opened and it was generally a good time. During this pleasant afternoon a little wine was added to the mix and I think someone, so Glenn, got a little confused again (god bless him, he can’t ever get it quite right) and maybe mixed up the wine for water? Or maybe for the air he needed to breathe. And this is where Mother’s day began to shift, a little like Glenn’s awareness. I think I first noticed it during lunch when he started slurring and calling my dog a “Big Motherfucker” while feeding him pasta. Then it became even more apparent when Glenn cried, three different times during lunch. Once about how this was his first good meal in three months, then again thinking about his own mother and once more because he feels bad for the people suffering in Italy. Which you know, some could view it as sensitivity or as him being sweet, but drunkenly crying three different times during our Mother’s Day lunch isn’t exactly what you want. 

My mom was able to find a little humour in it as it was the first time Glenn had drank in a long time. We were all able to laugh a little and still try to remain focused on giving my mom a good Mother’s Day. After we finished eating and cleaned up, the idiot over there (Glenn) was still babbling and he was starting to give me a bit of a headache so I went to lie down on the couch. 

Now, I did end up falling asleep so I’ll try to explain this next part as best as I can but I know I missed out on a few details during my slumber. Lying down just metres away from the dining table, I woke up to a little back and forth argument between my sister and Glenn, something about a cake. From what I gathered, as I took my seat back at the table for dessert, Glenn had sent my mom a cake the day before, and because we had already ordered her a cake, she gave a few pieces of Glenn’s cake to our family and my sister's boyfriend so that it would not go to waste. Now this, this made Glenn VERY upset. Again, the details are a little muddled but I believe Glenn was just angry about the cake and decided it would be a good idea to then say “Fuck you” to my mother or something like that and that’s when my sister defended my mom and they were arguing. My sister said something along the lines of “Don’t speak to my mom that way” and he was still heavily intoxicated, going on about cake. 

I knew better to expect more than this from Glenn, it was nothing new. Sure he’s laid off the drinking in the past couple of years but he would never change. It was my mother’s choice to stay with someone like this, though I’ve explained my aversion to it on multiple occasions, she says that she’ll make her own decisions, so I stay quiet. 

More arguing happened, my sister started crying, my mom stood up for my sister and somewhere in the mix Glenn shot a fews nasty comments and slurs. I then spoke up and asked him to leave, and was not interested in what he kept trying to say as a rebuttal, I told him again and my mom had him call his son to come pick him up and drive him home. He went on and on saying nonsense about myself and my mother until I think he just forgot how to use words.

While we all waited in silence for Glenn’s son, Glenn took the floor once more but this time he was very sorry. I’m not exactly sure how he went from holding up his middle finger at me and leaving it in the air for several seconds to now crying and apologizing. But nonetheless, now he was sorry. He maintained that my mother was still “a big fat woman” and I would still “pay for what I did” but he was still sorry. 

The afternoon ended with Glenn's son coming to pick him up while Glenn threatened to throw the leftover pasta and cake my mom so kindly gave him to take home all over our front lawn. What a show that would have given the neighbours huh. My mom got Glenn into the backseat and came back inside laughing it off, used to this behaviour by now. Though I’m not sure why someone would want to ever get used to something so toxic, I figured Mother’s Day wouldn’t be the greatest day to ask.  

We finished mother’s day off by watching a movie then all retreating to our separate corners of the house, my sister in her room, my mother in the living room and myself in the basement, cleanly sweeping all of today’s events under the rug like we do every bad thing in our house. 

Let me introduce myself

My name is Tish, but everyone knows me as The Baker. I started this bakey a while ago, and it’s been running like mad ever since!

How did we get here, you ask? Well.... 

The Baker origins story

 It all went to shit. The job she was supposed to do was much more difficult than it was supposed to be, and then the guy she was supposed to meet didn't show up, and finally Timefall started coming down hard. As she quickly tried to find a spot to wait it out, she saw a ruin of some kind close by. She sat down on something that once perhaps was a stool of some kind inside the ruins and heaved a deep sigh.

Before all of this started, this whole Death stranding thing with the timefall and the voidouts causing whole cities to go down within half an hour, before all of that she had a life. She had a beautiful wife and a wonderful little boy all for herself. They lived in a city, she was a linguist and her wife was an agent for Bridges, back when there was still something like a police force.

When their city was completely wiped off the map, she was visiting friends to help with a linguistical problem. When she learned from the news that no one survived, she collapsed knowing the love of her life and their little boy were gone forever. Knowing she was a widow at just 20 years old.

She couldn’t just continue her normal job anymore, and she took off for a while. She lived in a cabin for a while, but soon found she couldn’t sit still and took up portering.

And now here she was. Sitting down on a ruined chair, waiting for timefall to stop. She tried contacting the guy again, hoping he was delayed and not lying in a ditch somewhere, half molested by mules, but he didn’t pick up. She sent him a mail saying she was going to wait for another hour, but no more. She was about to get some shut eye, when she heard a sound and someone coming inside.

“Fucking finally!” she exclaimed before she realized it wasn’t the guy she was waiting for.

“What?” came the confused reply.

“Sorry. I thought you were someone else. Someone I was waiting for.” She looked down, but kept an eye on the stranger.

“Ah. D’you mind if I wait out the Timefall here with you?”

“No, sure come in”

 There was a bit of an awkward silence after that, where the guy sat down and stared at his hands for a while.

“so…”

“yeah”

“The name’s Markins, by the way.

“Tish”

They shook hands, then went back to awkward silence. In the end she started wandering through the room, where she could reach through the debris and collapsed parts. She soon saw it used to be some kind of eatery. There were the ruined remnants of a deep fryer, and several ovens that seemed to be in various states of disrepair. One of the ovens looked to be reasonably okay though. She looked at it from every side, deciding then and there to come back with a car tomorrow to bring it home with her. Maybe she could actually try and bake something instead of printing everything.

She went back to her seat after she’d seen all there was to see. Markins had followed her movements.

“find anything useful?” he asked

“Maybe. It’s an old oven I’m going back for it tomorrow. See if I can get it to work at my home. It would be nice if I could bake some cookies like my grandma used to.”

“Good god! It has been ages since I had anything like that, you?” he replied with a smile, seemingly thinking back to a childhood memory.

She smiled along with him.

“It’s actually one of my first memories. Drinking tea and eating cookies with my grandma, playing a fun game.” You could almost taste the cookies thinking back to it.

“I remember walking with my mom past this bakery, this patisserie, with all sorts of sweet cakes and pastries in the window. My mom would always have to tell me at least three times to ‘come along now’ when we walked past” he said the ‘come along now’ in a high pitched voice, like his mom had said it all those years ago.

They sat for the next hour talking about all the sweet things they ever ate and the memories that came with it, until the Timefall finally let up. They said their goodbyes and each went their separate ways.

She called the guy she was supposed to meet again, and after he didn’t pick up again, she sent him another pissed off email.

But her thoughts kept going back to the conversation she just left behind. All the good memories attached to the good food, the smells of cookies bringing back other memories… She looked around her, at the people walking past her in the city she just arrived in, and wished she could give some of those memories, that happiness to them. If only she could…

 It wasn’t until much later, that she finally found the time to drag that oven back to her own place to try and fix it. She replaced the electrical system with a newer version that would actually fit with today’s standards. She worked on the heating components but soon had to give up on it, simply because she didn’t know enough about it. She called in the help of a friend, the Mechaneer who walked her through most of it. He promised he would come by and see what he could do for her. She promised if he got it working, she’d try to make cookies and give him a batch.

So here she was. Joel was trying to fix her oven and she was trying to find out where she could get ingredients for her cookies. She got her grain from the Timefall farm, and she found something like butter in a little shop in the city. She found some sweetener as well, the one that actually tastes like sugar instead of some chemical shit that tasted sweet.  And everywhere she went and explained what she needed her products for, she heard the same words and had to make the same promise. “That’s cool! Let me know how it works out! Promise me you send some my way if you can?”

 When she came home and opened the door the first thing that hit her was the smell. Something was burning. Worriedly, she turned the corner and found Joel keeping his hand under water.

“Is everything all right? It smells something awful in here.”

“Well,” he replied with a sheepish grin, “your oven works and gets hot. I found that out the hard way. The smell is just some leftover dust burning up though.”

“Oh my god, are you alright? Let me see your hand!”

“It’s fine, just a little burn. I’ve had worse really.”

“If you say so…” she’s uncertain, but soon forgets everything as she realizes what Joel just said.

“Wait. It works? Woohoo! It works!” she dances around her small kitchen, Joel laughing at her antics. She suddenly stops.

“I’ve got to make cookies!” the look of panic mixed with excitement makes Joel laugh even harder.

 She tried several mixtures of cookie dough until she found the perfect mixture. The cookies that came out of the oven were a beautiful golden, and the smell in her little home was excruciatingly good, making their mouths water as they waited for them to cool down.

She told him about all the promises she had to make to send out cookies to all the people that helped her, and she could see the cogs turning in his head.

“Why don’t you fix up the place you found this oven in?” he asked after a minute or two.

“And then what?”

“Open the place back up for business. Everyone loves cookies darlin'. Could be a nice way of bringing people together. I'm sure porters would love a nice little rest stop sort of joint where they could sit down. Maybe wait out the Timefall with something sweet to eat. Somewhere they could just relax. Speak their mind a little. It's a simple idea. But would probably mean a lot to a lot of people if you did it. I know I'd come back for a visit if you did."

“I wouldn’t know how to start that. Besides… I’m a porter for Bridges, pretty sure I can’t combine it.”

“Aw hell, Tish! You never liked this job anyway! This way you…”

He was interrupted by a chime at the door. It’s two porters, one intern and his teacher, bringing a package. She let them in, offering them a cookie and some warm tea. They talk about their day, about why the intern wants to start portering, about everything and nothing at all.

After they leave Joel looks at her.

“See? That’s what I mean. People come in, they talk about themselves. They want to share their stories with people, and having something like your bakery might just give them the opportunity.”

“I don’t know…”

“Yeah well, I do. Tomorrow we’re driving to that Bakery thing and take a look at what I can fix for you, while you see what we need to make it habitable.”

 As the Mechaneer predicted, it soon took off. She invited everyone she knew and everyone that helped her, and they all showed up. The two porters came back, and soon two porters became four, that became fourteen, and soon her days were filled with baking and laughing, with pouring tea and comforting a sad Porter that lost a friend recently, with taking orders for deliveries.

It started with just tea and cookies, but people came in with all sorts of ingredients. Someone found some vanilla for her to use, another came across an abandoned shelter greenhouse overgrown with apple trees and took some apples for her to use. Soon a gardener started living in the abandoned shelter and started delivering to her on a regular basis. And sometimes sent her honey with his packages as well.

Others came with other fruits and with nuts.

Porters came in with packages from all over the UCA carrying spices like cinnamon and cardamom free for her to use.

A gardener from the south of the UCA sent her cacao beans and raisins and the cookies she made with those send her straight to heaven.

 Soon the Baker became a known place where everyone could just sit for a while and forget about the bad stuff for a while. In the Bakery everyone was welcome, and everyone felt welcome.

 And that, ladies and gentlemen and non-binary friends, is how the Baker came to be. So come on in, sit down and she’ll be right with you.

Hazel Eyes & Cake Pops [Ch.5]

Read on Ao3 here

For the rest of the week, I was stuck copying notes, making more prints, and sleeping on the couch. Rachel and Chloe started a routine of going to Starbucks together for the day and then at night, they would go out on dinner dates. I was relieved that they didn’t want to take me along with them, leaving me be. They always brought leftovers home for me.

Thursday night was eventful for them, but not for me. Chloe and Rachel went out to watch a horror movie that came out recently (the clown one), went to an arcade (they brought back little rings and bracelets), ate at a healthy, vegan place (Veggie Grill or something), and then came back with food from Wing Stop (with FRIES). I was at home, reading the notes over and over again, and watching Robot Chicken and Botched reruns. The latter was interesting, but I wanted to puke more than anything.

I was sick of studying and being surrounded by piles of paper, I don't want to see another piece ever again.

"Are you ready for your test?" Chloe gave me a hard pat on my back as she passed me. I was sitting on the couch and I saw she was dressed for her Friday afternoon shift.

"It's for Nutrition," I moaned, "I can't bring myself to care."

"Your classes this quarter are going to be done in a few weeks." Chloe said cheerfully. Three weeks to be exact after this class.

Chloe sat next to me, "Get good grades and get it over with, right?"

I nodded. It was encouraging to see Chloe changing so much, but I know, somewhere in there, she wanted to tell me "fuck school."

"You're... hella gay today. How obvious do you want to be?"

I had my black-and-red flannel and ripped jeans. I remember wearing something similar to this and saying "shakah brah"... We never speak of it. I didn't think it looked so bad, but maybe I was trying too hard? I thought it added to my gay hairstyle.

"All you need a snapback and you'll be the gayest thing in school," Chloe broke out into laughter, "You're such a punk ass."

We went to her car, laughing to tears, and went to my class. I was going to be late again, I knew it, but I could take the test whenever, just as long as it was today.

"I think Rachel is going to stay home today. She kept going back to sleep." Chloe said as she turned at an intersection. God, I wished that was me.

Her tattooed arm was hard to ignore. She gripped the top of the wheel as we approached the overflowing traffic. I was staring for a good minute.

"Do tattoos hurt?" That was a stupid question, but it still came out.

"Personally, fuck yeah, but it's worth it. Why, do you want a tattoo?"

"Oh, no, I just looked at your arm and felt like asking. They're awesome, so the question came to mind."'

Chloe smirked and said, "Let me know if you ever do."

There we were again, stuck in traffic, surrounded by the sounds of honking and heavy machinery digging into concrete.

"Shit, this bullshit again." Chloe took her hands off the wheel and leaned her head on her window.

"Is it bad that I'm not nervous about being late?"

Not like before, anyway. I was shockingly calm at the moment. It was freaking me out, but I was also fine with it. I ignored the latter.

"Nope, I feel the same way," she replied, "I actually want some piercings. I need to ask Rachel about those."

"Oh yeah? Like what?" I placed my bag at my feet. It was really heavy.

Chloe hummed, "I kinda want my lip piercing back. A nose piercing would be hella rad, I don't know if I would prefer a septum or something else. I want one on my ear for sure."

Oh right, that was a thing for a little while. She had a single piercing on her bottom lip, but it annoyed her. The thought of piercing anything on my body made me really uncomfortable; it made me actually shiver in my seat.

"That would be way cool. I just need a little push, I think."

"I'll do that. I'll shove to the fucking ground, too."

I put my hand on her shoulder, "Don't do that to me, please."

We finally arrived to my school and, unlike Tuesday, I was not worried about lateness. I walked slowly to the elevator, looking around at all the posters and student examples on the wall. It was on floor two as well, so I didn’t really have to hurry so much.

I finally arrived to class and there weren't a lot of people inside. I was given the test right away; it was practically shoved into my hands. I sat next to my classmate, who was halfway done. I was confident and told myself "I can do this" and "I got this", but now, my hand was shaking and my pencil hasn't touched the paper yet. After ten minutes of pretending to skim through my test, I shakily put my name and the date down.

I didn't know anything in that moment. I looked at all the formulas, chemical compounds, grams, and even some questions that required math, and nothing was computing in my brain. To make everything worse, my teacher had this machine for scantrons that stamps all the wrong answers and it was loud. The whirring on the machine and the only way I could describe the noise of the stamp, especially when it was a lot wrong in a row, was like duct tape being extended.

I started to put answers down, not confidently, and I heard the machine go off. Luckily, it only stamped a few times. Uneasiness was still setting into the pit of my stomach.

I tapped my fingers against my table and my eraser. I started with the multiple choice, choosing "C" when I was unsure, and then went to the free responses. Why the hell was there math in this test? I wasn't there when everyone did this and, even though his notes were great, it all left me. More people came into the class, a lot left, the machine was the loudest thing in the world, holy shit, and I was ready to go die.

In the end, I finally looked up from my paper and I was the last person in class. I was too afraid to get up, but I did, fumbling my steps on the way. I could tell my teacher was grumpy and wanted to leave right away. I watched as the machine turned on, the fan going off in it, and slid the scantron right through it. My heart stopped hearing all the wrong ones; it was pretty much my whole test. The only good thing about this was that no one else was in this room. At the same time, the disappointment on my teacher's face made me want to dig my own grave and die in it. It was a test before the final, but good god, I set the standard all the way down to hell. It was two PM.

I left the room and immediately called Chloe.

"What's up?" She answered after one ring. She was on break at this time.

"Hey... Can I stay at school for a bit?"

It was probably obvious that I was bitter. I needed some alone and silent time in the library or wherever-the-fuck. Not even the smell or taste of coffee could help.

"What happened?" She asked.

I rubbed the back of my neck, "I bombed my test."

"Are you sure you don't want to go home? To, I don’t know, sleep?"

It would be a good idea, but I spent too long at home studying for this test. It would just make me feel bad, if not worse.

"I need to read something. Something wholesome that was not about food would work right now."

"Okay," Chloe accepted it, "Text me when you want to go, okay?"

"Thanks, bye."

I hung up and shoved my phone into my bag. I trudged to the library, went to grab a book—How to Survive a Horror Movie, it said—sat at the same table where Kate sat, and just rested my head down on my folded arms. I let my bag fall to the ground next to my feet; I was ready to sleep there. I couldn't believe that happened in there and let myself fall flat. Once I sat down, I started to overthink.  I failed the multiple choice and that should be the easiest part of any test! I got five out of thirty of that shit. Don't get me started on the free responses.

I sat up straight and start to actually read the book I grabbed. It was fitting to what Chloe and Rachel watched a couple days ago. I got through a couple chapters, a lot of it being step-by-steps and things about the what kind of movie it may be, but I slapped it down and attempted to sleep again.

"Hey Max." Oh, it was my classmate again. He sat down in front of me. The table was weird because it was oblong and could sit about twenty students. We were sitting at the very end.

"Hey," I replied, lifting my head up again, "I heard from the machine that you got a full grade."

If I remember hard enough, his name was Evan, probably. He wasn't wearing those Clubmaster glasses, but just regular, black frames. He was still rocking a scarf and a button-up.

"Oh yeah, I killed that test," He whispered excitedly, "What about you?"

"I killed it, too... in a different way."

"What do you mean?"

"I failed it. Like, no question."

"Did my notes not work?" He placed his elbow on the table, resting his head on his hand.

I went down to my bag and took his notes out, still nice and in place as he gave them to me. I slid them to him.

"Do you want to study some time?" He asked.

In that moment, I realized I had forgotten something very important.

"Oh shit," I cursed under my breath, "I need to sign up for new classes when I get home."

We had to sign up for new classes when it was between week seven and eight. And right now, it was Friday on week eight, with nothing.

"Looks like you're stuck with general classes again." He seemed to be rubbing it into my face.

Wowzer, that really helped. I might have to repeat this class.

"Well, we can get a study group together, still," he suggested, "That scantron machine is terrifying."

"I'll think about it," I let out a huff, "I'm sorry, dude, but I need some time alone."

"Let me know, okay? I hope you feel better."

He finally left and I put my head down again. I was so focused on talking to Kate and doing something about that, I completely forgot that I needed to sign up for more classes. I really was stuck in general. I tried to get four new classes every quarter, but since first quarter, I only had two. I started to knock my forehead into the table. It was gentle at first, but it was progressively getting harder and louder throughout the library. Every time my forehead and the table collided, I repeated "fuck" in my mind.

"Can you stop hurting yourself?" I felt a hand on my shoulder.

I looked up and made eye contact with those stunning hazel eyes again. I tried to reply, but I noticed her hair in a loose braid, draped over her left shoulder. It was so strange to see her styled so differently compared to the whole quarter I've seen her. Air was caught in my throat as I tried to focus. I couldn’t, though.

"This is the second time I caught you harming yourself," she sat across from me, "Should I be worried?"

"No, you just keep catching me at bad times." I said with a forced laugh.

"Did another vending machine give you trouble?"

She placed her sketchbook and backpack on the table, like she did the other time. I knew her question was a joke; I chuckled along with her.

"Ah, no," I shook my head, "I had a test in my class today and I failed it."

"What's your class?"

"I had Nutrition." I slouched in my seat.

"Do you need tutoring or anything? I can try to help, but I have never taken that class." Kate leaned over a bit.

This was our second interaction, and yet, she only ever smiled. I was melting at the sight of it, but I kept my eyes moving around her.

"My classmate was here earlier and offered a study group. Thank you for asking, though."

How modest of you, Max! Rachel would slap me if she heard this conversation.

"You're welcome, Max. Any particular reason you're in here? Other than slamming your head into tables." Kate flipped her book open. Before she went onto a blank page, I saw beautiful sketches of women in poses and various storyboard-looking drawings. My eyebrows lifted at the sight.

"The test put me in a bad mood, so I went in here. I studied too much at home and I didn't want to think about food."

"Understandable, I wouldn't want to eat either."

It was quiet between us. I watched her draw different poses and stances, facial expressions, and clothing items.

"What food are you into?" I couldn't fathom why I asked that. I regretted it when I finished it.

"I drink tea a lot, but I personally love sweets," Kate replied happily, "How about you?"

“Uh, I guess I like fattening foods? Rachel has been trying to get me healthy again.”

"You need to be careful then. Don’t want you hurting on the inside too." She hummed.

I tapped my fingers against the table to the beat of a clock. I listened to Kate's pencil etch against the paper and I watched her every movement. Her head leaned to the left, her hair was brushing against the other page, and her other hand held an eraser.

"I never got to tell you this, but I like your hair." Kate said that without looking up. I couldn't even get a reply out, I could feel stammering coming at any moment.

I tapped my fingers faster and blinked more to compose myself.

"Thank you," I finally said, "I like your hair like this... Not like I noticed that it's never been like this before! I'm not saying your other hairstyle is bad. I mean, I like the hair bun, but this is also nice!"

I spoke so fast, I don't think Kate caught any of it. For a whole minute, my heart beat pounded against my chest and I heard it in my ears. Suddenly, she lets out a giggle and I wanted to physically fall out of my chair.

"Thank you. I wanted to try something new."

I cleared my throat, "I-I gotta go. I'm sorry to cut this short." She finally looked at me, "It's fine. See you on Tuesday?"

"Yeah," I clumsily grabbed my bag and nodded, "See you then."

I turned and left so fast I barely caught her waving goodbye. When the library door closed, I let out the loudest groan I could muster. I lost myself for a second; I could barely breathe or see anything. I saw another vending machine and kicked it again, but it didn't hurt.

I took my phone out and called Chloe again.

"You said you were going to text, what the fuck?" Chloe greeted.

"I know, I know, but I spoke to Kate, okay-"

"I'm on my way." I can hear Chloe opening and slamming doors.

"Wait-"

"I'm on my way, I'm bringing Rachel. Rachel, come on!"

She sounded distant in the second half of her sentence. I guess Rachel was there with her. I could just walk over, I don’t know why she was going to drive.

I just hung up and went to the front of the school. I loved them, but holy shit.

When I saw Chloe's car, it was parked in the middle of the street and it was completely disregarding of other people and cars around it. The windows were down and when it came to a hard stop in front of me, she yelled, "Get in!"

All three of us were freaking out in the car. We said so many "oh my god", "holy shit", "what the fuck" in that one car ride, especially through the traffic. At home, we ran inside and landed on the couch. We wasted no time getting into retelling the events. I don't want to talk about what happened between the end of the test and when she saw me, no offense to Evan, but all of it happened so fast.

"Tell me everything, Max!" Rachel shook me around.

"Oh dog, it was so embarrassing," I groaned, "I was banging my head on the table in the library, she saw me, she sat down, we talked, she laughed, I wanted to die—"

"Why were you hitting your head?" Rachel lifted my bangs, looked at my forehead and pressed her finger against it, "It's red."

I grabbed her hands off my head, "My test earlier. I completely bombed it, Rachel. I hope you're not mad."

Rachel furrowed her brows and she was very hesitant. Minutes pass as she spent more time thinking. Was she going to say something or—?

"Just for now. I'm proud of you for speaking to her."

Chloe grabbed me by wrapping her arm around my neck and then rubbing her fist into my head, "That's my Maxim! She's the gayest one alive!"

All three of us were laughing together and I felt all my stress lift off of me. Caught in between them, they were holding me and I allowed myself to relax.

|�A��<

He Goes by the Name H. One [end]

Author: b0blegum

Pairing: DJ!Chae Hyungwon x Reader

Rating: PG (but who wants their parents to read this with them tho, just read at your own risk lmao)

Genre: Romance

Status: FINISHED

Part: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - end

a/n this is the longest among all chapters, so be prepared.

He had been a keeper since that night. He'd drive you to your office and pick you up again if he didn't have to go to his office and he'd check on you from times to times, just to make sure you're okay. He even ordered you a delivery foods and send it to your apartment (or his, if you're staying at his when Changkyun wasn't there) & made sure that you have proper 3 meals a day.

Changkyun, who was good at catching things, knew immediately that something was going on between you and his friend and he often teased both of you when you, Changkyun and Hyungwon were lounging at Hyungwon's living room.

He wasn't fine about this, actually he told you that Hyungwon was kind of jerk and had a lot of flings that made him hard to trust and he wasn't wrong, though, remembering what Hyungwon did to you at the first day you met. But as days went by, you somehow found the innocent, nice, playful side of him.

Today was finally his birthday. You had thought for almost a month about this, whether you should go all in and gave him everything for his birthday. Part of you wanted to give him everything but part of you don't, just like when you consulted to Changkyun and his respond was, "Not that all in, please. I don't trust him that much."

But in the end, you decided to just gave him a bit of surprise. You decided to go to his apartment and bake a cake, probably decorated his room and made a surprise.

His apartment was empty, since Changkyun was staying in his father's apartment and Hyungwon was still at work. So you began baking the cake, started from measuring all the ingredients you'll need.

You were totally confident about this, because you've been making cakes and cookies zillion times that you didn't even need the recipe anymore.

"One cup of this... And then the sugar..." You talked by yourself as you poured the ingredients one by one to the large bowl. "Ouh, this smells really good!" You inhaled the strong vanilla scent from the thick dough.

Hyungwon's kitchen was basically a mess now. Flour spreaded on the marbled counter table and lots of dirty bowls piling up at the sink.

"Now let's get this baby to the oven." You smiled widely after you poured the dough to a circular aluminum cake pan. Sprinkled it with a bit of chocolate chips and white chips, hopping it'd melt and add an extra chocolate taste.

You waited  for almost thirty minutes until the cake had perfectly raised and a sweet lingering smell filled in Hyungwon's apartment. It was raised perfectly, not overcooked nor undercooked, just right as you wanted it to be. Then you cut it carefully into a heart shape before you poured a white shiny marble-y glaze allover it, covering every edges of the cake properly.

"Perfect." You said as you put a dark chocolate decoration on top of the cake and put it on the fridge. You ate the leftover and stunned by the taste. You, of course, used a lot of chocolates in it, but it didn't taste that much of a chocolate and you're sure this was the taste Hyungwon would like.

You then began to decorate his whole bedroom. Spreading flower petals on the floor and the bed, where you'd put the cake in the middle.

You still had around an hour before he arrived at home from work, so you decided to made use of that time to shower and put on your short white dress. A dress made of satin, only thigh length long with a low v-neck, enough to expose your cleavage, but not that low that made you look slutty.

"This isn't too much, is it?" You looked at the mirror where you could see the reflexion of your self after you're done putting on the no make-up make up.

It was then when you heard a clicking sound, the sound of the front door opened. It must be Hyungwon.

You adjusted your dress and dusted it to made it fall even more perfectly on your body. Smile plastered on your face as you walked to the door, waiting for him to open the door and hugged him immediately while wishing him a very happy birthday.

"No," he chuckled. "Yeah, you saw her, right? I know she's hot." You overheard him. He must be talking on the phone, since you didn't hear anyone aside the voice of Hyungwon.

"Yeah, my first intention was to fuck her, but..." You felt something weird boiling inside of you. "I don't know," He chuckled again. "Yeah, we've been together for like... Almost a month? No... I haven't fuck her just... I don't know man i—"

"Who wants to fuck who, Hyungwon?" You slammed the door open, made the boy who was still taking off his jacket stop and startled. He hung up his phone immediately and threw it on the couch.

"(Y/n)," he walked closer. "Why are you... Here?" He tried his best to smile.

"Answer me." You brushed off his hands when he was about to invite you for a hug.

"It's..." He looked away for a second. "Nothing."

"Don't lie to me. I heard your conversation." You bit the inside of your cheek. "I should've listen to Changkyun." You whispered to yourself.

"What?"

"Don't what me like that. Tell me if i heard it wrong and all of that convo wasn't about me." He kept silent and ran his fingers through his hair. "That must be about me, then." You put on a sarcastic smile. "Thank you, Hyungwon." You turned away, wanted to go to his room to grab your things and went home, but he managed to grabbed your hand.

"Wait, (y/n). It's not like what you think." You turned to him.

"Oh, yeah? Than you better have a good explanation for that."

Again, he kept silent and could only looked away, didn't dare to look you into the eyes.

"Okay, i'm leaving." You walked to his room, layering your dress with an oversized hoodie you were coming here with and snatched your purse to leave.

He didn't seem to stop you. You could see him from the side of your eyes, he stood there, looking down with one hand rested on his waist and one hand rubbing his face, probably regretting, but whatever he felt, all you know for sure was your own feeling. You felt nothing but angry and disappointed.

"Don't you ever dare to call me." With that you slammed the door behind you.

Hyungwon's POV

That was unexpected. She never came into my house uninvited, but i should've realised today is my birthday and of course she'd surprise me by showing up at my apartment. Of course.

And i just made the most stupid mistake i've ever made in my entire life. I just blurted out my first intention on the phone. Well, that was not actually a mistake since i didn't know she was here, but still...

I just saw her leaving. I could see it clearly she was angry and upset and i knew she hated me by now. I can't stop her because she was right. It was all about her what i said on the phone.

I looked at my phone, hoping that she'd send me a text, cuss words would also be okay since that'd be silly if i expected an i love you, but there was none.

I messed my hair and groaned in frustration. How could i be so stupid to not realising she'd be at my apartment.

I walked heavily to my bedroom, just to see petals scattered all over the room and there was a cake on the bed, along with a card and a box of something next to it.

I didn't realised, but my lips were curved into a smile as i walked closer to my bed and sat at the edge of it. Admiring the beautiful cake she made (i know, because i just know), her cute handwriting on the card and the box that was wrapped nicely with a ribbon on it.

I read the card slowly. I know she poured all of hear hearts into this, judging from the words she wrote.

"I love you, too, (y/n)." I said, answering her 'I love you' on the card.

Then the box. I puliled one end of the ribbon to entangled and opened the box. It was only a bunch of small cards, stacked neatly and clipped with a giant clipper. I questioned myself, wondering what was this things.

I took out one card and found some writings at the back of it.

'Back hug'

"Back hug?" I then took another card to found another writings. "Ask me to buy you something you want." I began to understand what was these cards mean.

I think i shouldn't read all the cards, but i was too curious and took another one from the stacks.

'Make love'

Suddenly, you felt something weird inside you. Your heart beats fast, but not in a good way. You felt like someone was punching you in the stomach and cursed you out.

Make love was something... We've never done. We did obviously sleep together, spent the night together a lot of days, but we never really... Make love to each other.

Not because we didn't want to, no. She even lured me to doing that couple days ago but...

it was just me.

I had the intentions to fuck her out at the first time we met. She was so sexy that it made me hard just by thinking of fucking her, but after i spent days with her, i realised she was different. She was not the girl God made just to fuck me, just to pleased me. She was the one God made for me to love her and i just want to make love to her for the first time at the very special time for her,

On her birthday.

Two weeks for now.

I really want her to feel special on that day.

I want to give her anything she wants on that day.

But i ruined everything and she left.

Two weeks passed by and Hyungwon was a literal definition of a mess in that times. He missed a lot of shows and often seen drunk.

Medias had been spreading a lot of rumours about him. Started from he was caught drunk-driving to smoke pot.

And so did you. You lost your focus many times at work that made all wondered what happened with you.

You missed him. You really missed him, but you just can't go back to him after what happened that night.

"Isn't that Hyungwon, (y/n)?" Your bestfriend asked when both of you were watching an evening news.

"I think so." You nodded.

"Speaking of him, why have i never seen him coming here again?"

"We... Kind of broke up."

"Kind of?" She rolled her eyes. "There's no such thing."

"I broke up with him." You changed the channel. "Can we just not talk about it, please?" Your bestfriend shrugged and just nodded an okay.

"Oh, by the way. Changkyun is calling you." Your bestfriend said, looking at your phone on the table. Vibrating non stop.

You took the phone and greeted the boy hello.

"What? Why?" You shook your head. "Nope, i'm not coming to his house.... Changkyun, wait. I trust you, but..." You stopped talking, letting the boy persuaded you. "Okay... Okay. I'm coming. Wait there!"

You stood up and left to your room.

"Are you leaving?"

"Yep! Won't take long." You shouted from your room as you grabbed your cardigan and a purse, before heading to the shared bathroom. "Changkyun is sick and that guy doesn't have any medicine in his house." You grabbed the medicine box and took it with you.

"Alright... Be safe, (y/n)." She then waved you goodbye.

It took you almost thirty minutes to reached his apartment. It was quiet from the outside, just like usual.

You put your hand on the lock and hesitantly put in the code.

It worked? You thought, after it made the clicking sound. He didn't change the password?

But it was dark inside, only lit by tea candles.

"Changkyun?" You called his name as you tried to switch on the lamp, but it didn't work out. "Where are you?"

You kept walking, following the directions led by the candles. the room was almost pitch black but you still could tell where you were heading.

To Hyungwon's room.

"Are you inside?" You asked. Eyes wandering around the apartment, what the hell is this?

"Changkyun?" You knocked on the door once, but the door immediately creaked open. "I swear to God if you jump scare me–" you stopped mid sentence.

"Happy birthday, (y/n)." You found someone you had missed for days towering before you, holding a small cake, enough just for the two of you.

"Hyungwon?" You called his name for the first time after that day.

"Blow and make some wish." He smiled. You stood there still, looking into his eyes. You missed him so bad that you just want to cry right now.

"Come on." He took your hand and brushed it lightly with his thumb.

You blowed the candle and he put the cake away immediately before pulled you in for a hug.

"Happy birthday, (y/n)." He kissed your forehead as his hand cupped the back of your head. "I missed you so much." He said softly on your ear. "These days were the worst of my life." He added. "I was so stupid i couldn't gave you explanation that day. I'm so sorry, (y/n). It's just... It's true that my first intention was to... You know. But... As we spent the days and nights together, i realised.... You are different and..." He pulled away from the hug and looked intensely to your eyes, "I started to love you."

He felt ridiculed by his own words that he let out a small chuckle. "I know this surprise would probably means nothing to you but i just want to prove it to you that i really—"

You stopped him with a peck. Just your lips touching his for a couple of seconds. He was quite taken aback by your moved but you could feel him smiling quite awhile after and his hands started wrapping around your waist and invited you for an even deeper kiss.

"I missed you too, Hyungwon." You whispered as you both searching for airs between the kisses.

Your hand ran up to his nape and one grabbing his hair gently, while he led you closer to the wall and pinned you.

"I know today is your birthday," he said, catching up with his own breath. "But can i use one of the card you gave me?" He smirked as he planted kisses on the crook of your neck.

"Which..." You moaned as he bit the flesh of your ear. "One?"

"The 'make love' one?" He sucked the skin of your shoulder, marking you.

"I've... Been waiting for that," again, you moaned between words by how good he was on kissing and teasing you. "For ages." You smiled.

He then picked you up. His hands cupping both of your ass-cheeks as you kissed him hungrily and grabbed his hair, before he threw you gently on his bed, began kissing you again with one hand unbuttoning your shirt.

"Me too, (y/n)." He bit your lips softly before he began trailing kisses down from your jawline.

Both of you weren't even fighting for a dominance. Both of you just played equally, following where one took the other, to savour every bit of his soft and gentle touch, to swallow every love words and moans he let out and paid him with a deep kiss he deserved.

And that night was the one you sure you'll never forgot.

"I love you so much, (y/n)." He whispered.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND LOVING THIS SERIES! I still cannot believe i got more notes than i expected when i first posting this series and thank you for the kind words you sent to me via asks & messages. I love you all xx

and don’t forget to give my other babies as much love as you gave to this series >> MASTERLIST <<

Our Summers Together Are My Best Kept Secrets And My Biggest Mistakes // Chapter Thirteen

Ships: Peterick, Brallon, Ferard, Trohley, Jalex, Zian and others in the background

Description: Summers for most kids are spent going to the beach and on vacations with your family but lots are shipped off to summer camps for the whole summer. But the kids at Hempman Summer Camp actually beg to go! Patrick Stump, Andy Hurley and Joe Trohman all met there, they had all known each other for probably over a decade because of this absolutely amazing stay-away camp for kids from the ages of six to nineteen. All the kids that were there came back until they couldn't and they always had the same kids except a few new, younger, kids every year. That is until the year that the weird kid with the jet-black, dyed, black fringe and the crazy piercings and a couple tattoos comes in like he owns the place. That year also happens to be the same year that Patrick Stump gets gum stuck to the new emo kid's face and hair. It was love at first sight... But hate at first interaction for the blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy and the complete opposite for the new kid, Pete Wentz.

Chapter 13: Thirteen - And A Night You'll Never Forget

Pete

I twirl Patrick’s hair around my calloused finger tips, he watches me with his big blue eyes that are brighter than anything I’ve ever seen. His head is on my chest and he’s tracing over the tattoos on my arms and the ones poking out from beneath my shirt with his pale fingers.

I never knew that lying on a railroad track could be comfortable. Patrick tugs at my skin slightly, absentmindedly running his hands over me. It had been months since his last urge to escape, he seemed so genuinely happy with me lately and it just made me feel so good.

“It’s almost been a year.” Patrick hums into me.

“It feels like it’s been a month.” I chuckle softly, “Time flies when you’re in love.” I say but instantly correct myself, “No-... Wait, sorry. I forgot.” I apologized. He was still shy around the mention of love. It was usually ‘ like ’ and not ‘ love ’ that was spoken between us even though that's not what I felt.

“No, no.” Patrick’s blue eyes tilt up to look at me, “I love you too.”

I open my mouth to apologize again only to freeze. My heart pounds at the sound of those words coming from Patrick’s mouth. It sounded so good. Everything just felt so special coming from him. Just the way he says my name gives me chills. But this, this was something that made me feel some type of way, something I couldn't describe in word form. My chest was tight and I felt like I could just burst, my breathing is ragged and I was all shaky.

Patrick looks up at me with his eyes sparkling with pride and a smile plastered to his face. My heart pounds even harder now.

He places a hand to my chest, feeling my heart about to erupt out of me.

“Say it again.” I speak, my voice pleading.

“I love you, Pete.” His smile gets even bigger, “I really love you, a whole lot.”

My body doesn't know how to react, my hands going over my face as I laugh and cry and squeal, my whole body confused by the sudden rush of feeling, one that I've never experienced. Patrick starts to giggle himself as he watching me. He pulls my hands away from my face and kisses me, cupping my face in both of his hands. I truly love this stupid fucking boy with the voice of gold and commitment issues.

He’s giggling into my mouth and I’m shoving my tongue down his throat. He pulls away and gives me a funny look, “Don’t do that, it’s gross.” He says with a smile on his face.

“You know you like it.” I smirk, sticking my tongue out at him and he bites at it and gives me a childlike grin, baring his teeth adorably. I kiss him again.

I can’t stop kissing him, I can’t stop needing him, god I love him.

Joe

Ten years had past, I couldn't believe it. I'd had my first kiss ten years ago today and I fell in love this same day, the moment our lips touched.

My hand holds his, pulling him through the woods, “Hurry up!” I tug excitedly at him.

“Slow down! Jesus Christ, what is this? A race?” He pants. He's a better shape than anybody in the camp but is still managing to struggle to keep up with me. I was so excited.

“I'm just excited!” I exclaim, dragging him off the trail to the boulder.

“Are you really that horney?” Andy laughs at me and I roll my eyes.

“No sex tonight, just romance!” I scramble to the top of my rock.

“What? What's all this about, Joe?” He looks me up and down in confusion.

“It's been ten years, Andy! Ten years since I fell in love with you and since you kissed me! Did you not remember?” I ask as Andy pulls me up.

“Oh yeah! I forgot! I'm sorry…” Andy frowns and I just smile, kissing him.

“I'm glad you forgot so you can't ruin my plans.” I hope down off the rock and Andy follows, now noticing the set-up that I'd created for us. There were blankets and pillows all over and unlit candles placed around.

“What the hell?” Andy looks at me as he sits down, back pressed against the rock.

“Surprise!” I grin widely, kissing him, “Happy anniversary!”

“Our anniversary is October 27th, Joe.” Andy chuckles. He wasn't wrong. We had sex for the first time when we were fourteen and I asked him out right after that happened. We weren't official, we dated others, girls . We still kissed and cuddled and touched while dating these girls too, we didn't see it as cheating because we were nothing but friends. And we were also the same gender, a fake rule that we created to feel better about our cheating. Yet we never got caught by anybody.

“It's been ten years since the night that started this all. So it's been ten years!” I grin and Andy rolls his eyes at my stupidity, shaking his head.

“I love you even though you're an idiot.” He smirks as he kisses me.

“Babe, look.” I pull a blanket off of a cooler, “I knew we'd have lots of food for fourth of July so I got us dessert.” I nod for him to open it.

He does and instantly falls back onto me, erupting with hysterical giggles, “Oreo cheesecake!?” He opens his eyes, squinting through his fit of giggles, “Are you for real?”

I smile, chuckling myself, “Yes! I had to.”

Mine and Andy’s first date was a disaster, but a good one. We were only fourteen and it was late January when we finally got to sneak out late at night, just a two of us. Since we were so young, neither of us had much money, I had leftover Christmas money that I'd saved just for this. It wasn't enough for a real date and we couldn't really get much with it. So we decided on getting sweets and sharing that.

It was about 10:35 pm when we decided on a cheesecake and made our way into the shitty little convenient store down the street from my house. We pick out an Oreo cheesecake, a really terrible, super cheap one at that. It cost $12.99 and we also got some plastic forks to eat it with. The two of us sat outside the store on the curb, freezing and eating this horrid, old, freezer burned cake but it was probably the best night either of us had.

We never got caught even when I got a severe case of the flu that I had for almost two weeks and Andy got a cold that didn’t go away for almost a month. It didn’t matter to us, it was the best date we’d ever had, freezing our asses off at 11 o’clock in the evening eating on the side of the road with plastic forks that could barely break through the rock-hard oreo disaster.

“Oh my god, Joe… You only have fucking plastic forks too!?” He’s dying of laughter at my display of affection.

“I’m just trying to recreate the best date we ever had, Boo.” I grin at him, his head in my lap after he’d fallen over, gasping for air.

“I love you so much.” He smiles as he attempts to catch his breath. Andy sits up and pulls the cake out of the cooler along with the two forks.

We ate the actually good cake that I had gotten from a professional bakery earlier this morning. It was almost a classier, more expensive version of our first date.

We’d eaten about half the cake in total before we’d had enough and put it back in the cooler. I notice the sun had gone down which means they should be starting the fireworks soon. Just as planned.

“Andy, you know I really love you right.” I speak after sitting in silence for the longest time.

“Yeah?” He’s skeptical of my words.

“I’ve honestly had this planned for weeks, I know you forgot but-”

“Joe, uh… The truth is that I didn’t forget… I had plans to bring you out for an expensive dinner and bring you to a fireworks show out of town… I like this a lot better than my idea though.” Andy admits and I smile.

“I would’ve loved that but I think that I like my idea better too because I have a bigger surprise than just the first date recreation.” I’m so excited as the words fall from my mouth, “You know that I love you so much and that you’re my world, I’ve loved you since before I knew what love was and I even kept loving you when it felt wrong…” I look over at him and move to be in front of him, on one knee. I swallow hard as I reach into my back pocket, “I just want this to be as special as you are…” I speak as I pull the ring box out and flip it open.

Andy’s jaw drops as he goes pale, “Joe…” He croaks and my smile falls.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” I start to shake with worry. Andy sits up a bit and pulls a box out of his own pocket and presents me with a ring. I sit still for a long while before bursting  into laughter, so hard that I can’t breathe and I topple over onto Andy, landing in his lap. I’m choking and coughing through my hysterical fit of laughing. Andy titters at the sight of me rolling around, trying to breathe.

“No fucking way!” I cough, “I’ve always said we’re on the same wavelength but no fucking way!” I laugh harder and so does Andy. This was the hardest I’d ever laughed ever in my life. Andy pulls his arms around me as he tips over too.

“I’m assuming that it’s a yes from us both.” He giggles. I nod, unable to speak at this point.

Andy’s phone rings and he picks up, “H-... Hey Pete.” He wheezes through his laughter, “Just… Just a thing… I'll explain s-... Soon. What's up?” He’s struggling to hold back the giggles trying to fall from him, “We went on an ad-adventure… Yeah… Okay… Bye.” He stammers out and tosses his phone to the side.

“He wanted us to hang out.” He chuckles as he hugs me against him.

“No.” I smile at him, kissing his sweet mouth.

“No shit.” He smirks, picking up the ring boxes that had been discarded during our meltdowns. He takes the one he'd gotten me and placed it on my finger and I did the same for him.

I kiss him and he smiles at me, “I love you”

“I love you too, Baby.”

***

“Where were you guys last night?” Pete asks me as I look for clothes.

“Uh, just adventuring.” I shrug and Pete still stares, I make my way to the end of his bed and grab my phone from where I'd tossed it. Pete catches my wrist and holds it tightly between his fingers.

“Where the hell did you get this?” Pete gawks at my ring with wide, bright eyes.

“It was my grandfather's.” I say with a yawn.

“You've never worn it before.” Pete watches me.

“Found it in my bag this morning, I thought I lost it.” I instantly lie. Andy wakes up as I'm in the middle of my sentence.

“What'd you lose?” He yawns as he sits up and stretches.

“Nothing, I found something I lost.” I hum.

“Oh, cool.” Andy gets up and grabs a shirt off the floor near the closet. He pulls it over his head, I catch myself staring, as always. I mean have youseen him. I can’t help it.

Pete eyes Andy suspiciously, grabbing his wrist and looking over the ring on his finger, “What is that ?”

“Gift from my dad.” Andy says and pulls his hand free, I swallow hard. Him and I were engaged and everybody thought we were still straight.

“Really?” He asks.

“We’re engaged.” I suddenly blurt without even thinking. Andy spins to face me faster than he comes and Pete starts to laugh, not believing me.

“It would’ve been more believable to say you shit them out.” Pete laughs and both Andy and I look between him and each other, “You’re not even dating!” He chuckles.

It takes a while for him to even realize that he was the only one laughing and he slowly stops, watching us weird.

“Wait… What? ”Pete asks.

“Joe and I are engaged, like, ready to plan a wedding.” Andy pipes up.

“No your not.” He shakes his head, “That’s impossible.” Pete shakes his head, “You aren’t even dating! Joe, aren’t you dating some girl?!” He gasps.

“Andy, Pete, I am dating and engaged to and going to marry, Andy. I’ve been in love with him since we were kids, sneaking kisses and gentle touches.” I say, “These are engagement rings.” I grab Andy’s hand and present our rings to him.

“Why don’t they match.” He asked, looking at them.

“Well…” I start as we both start to giggle.

“Oh! Oh my god! Did I interrupt that last night!? I am so sorry!” He apologizes and Andy starts to laugh to hard to continue being a part of our conversation.

“No, we already finished that part, you called when we were laughing hysterically.” I reply, giggling.

“Why were you laughing?” Pete now asks.

“So, I got down on one knee to propose and when I pulled out the ring he pulled one out too.” I run my tongue over my lips, starting to laugh again.

“Wait, you both planned to propose on the same night?” Pete gasps.

“You sure do ask a lot of questions, Pete. But yes.” I grin as Andy’s arms go around me. At first I go to pull away out of habit but quickly relax. We’re engaged. I want everybody to know that I love him.

I turn around in his arms and he’s still giggling. I can’t stop smiling as I kiss him awkwardly.

“I ship it.” I hear as someone enters the room, the door clanks closed. I pull away to see who it was, Patrick followed by Dallon and Brendon who were basically too busy fucking to even notice us.

“Dude they got engaged last night!” Pete points at us.

“Yo! Nice.” Patrick high fives me, “Pete, I’m going out to eat, wanna come with?” He tugs at Pete’s arm.

“See you guys, don’t get too crazy.” Pete chuckles as he’s pulled out the door.

“Hey, we’re gonna fuck if you don’t mind getting out.” Dallon says only moments later. Andy smiles.

“Celebratory lunch?” He asks me and I nod.

I’m finally engaged to the man I’ve been in love with for as long as I can remember.

“I love you.”

Chapter Masterlist ~

Previous -

One - The Gum Habit Gone Bad

Two - On the Rooftop with You

Three - I Have a Forehead Texting Me and He’s Kind of Cute?

Four - Memories I Keep Locked Away for Times Like This

Five - Crying into the Void That is You

Six - A New Year and a New Us and Some New Friends

Seven - Abandoning You Was My Worst Mistake but Somehow You’re Still There For Me

Eight - A Meal For Two, A Car Ride For The Damned and A Love To Fool Them All.

Nine - Falling For You

Ten - The Indescribable Word That Is True Love

Eleven - It’s Always So Hard To Say Goodbye

Twelve - A Kiss You’ll Always Remember

Next -

Fourteen - The Only Straight Thing I Do Is Straight Up Say No

Day whatever. Who’s counting anyway

How many entries behind am I? We’d be on day, what, 8? I’ll do a quick recap of what happened these past few days *featuring:

-The cousin that’s studying to become a makeup artist: Ana(25), big sister to:

- Older cousin: Wen(24)

-Closest cousin: Stan(22)

-Sister: Vero(23)

-Other sister AKA the one that had a concert AKA oldest sister AKA the one that has a Tumblr: Pao(27)

-Yours truly: Sofi

We ready? K GO!

Friday: Went to buy some boots to a thrift store with my sister and a friend of hers. After that, my parents picked us up and drove us to the music school to give my other sister some parts for her gig that night that she’d forgotten home and from there my dad dropped us off at my grandma’s. There we found our cousins that had just gotten there from a long trip, Ana and Wen. One of my cousins is studying to become a makeup artist and along with my mom gave facials to her brother, my grandma, my sister and her friend and myself. A few hours went by and my dad came to pick us up to head for my sister’s concert. Grandma and cousins stayed. In the car, I decided to try on my sister’s brand new boots. We had about 30 minutes to kill before the concert so we walked around the park near the theater. The boots were too damn high and one size too small for me so the entire walk I held onto my sister and her friend for support while my little toes screamed and my ankles panicked. So once we got to the theater my sister and I swapped shoes and I put on her sneakers, that again were a size too small. 

My sister’s concert went great. it was a Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” tribute and she was in the backing orchestra. After the 2 and a bit hour-long gig, I managed to post Thursday's weak-ass blog while we waited for her to finish up backstage. I can’t remember what time we finally got home but it was definitely after midnight. We had leftover pizza for dinner.

Saturday: (I said quick recap didn’t I) 80th bday tea party cousin’s place monopoly emotional meltdown. Lol that reminds me of Grace’s “worst pants-shitting story or close call in three words or small phrases” challenge (if you can call it so). 

Okay, we start at noon having to drive to a little farm diner for brunch and my putting on makeup in the car and miraculously not spilling. There were ducks and sheep and there was one duck in particular that at one point started harassing a chicken and biting it too. We all ate and drank and were mostly full by the time the actual meal came. My great aunt was fast drunk and convinced the manager to put on some 80′s music so they all could dance and tried really hard to get us to form a conga line. After some old people dancing they brought out the birthday cake for my grandma, and lowkey kicked us out coz it was past 4pm and we’d overstayed our welcome, so a big bunch of us drove back to my grandma’s house to have cake and coffee. The cake was really good. After that my closest cousin, Stan tried to talk my oldest sister, Pao into a cousins retreat back to his place for monopoly before another one of our cousins took off back to his hometown (Wen), but she had to decline because she had to study for finals, so they got stuck with me and my sister, Vero for monopoly. In the ride to his place, they all talked about Pokemon Go. There was a football match going on that my aunt was listening on the radio and her husband’s team lost to some Brasilian team so they stopped at the mall and bought a jersey from the opposing team to mess with him and honked the horn of the car all the way that was left to her house in celebration. People would boo at us from the street and other cars. 

The monopoly game was very heated. Wherever we landed we bought the property. I spent most of the game in jail. At one point I stepped out for a smoke and I could hear them start yelling at each other. When I went back inside I saw Vero and Wen yanking and stealing properties from one another. Negotiation went south I suppose, I don’t really know what the whole fight was about, but you could see Stan trying to mediate and get them to play fair. Wen got so upset he decided not to play anymore and relinquished his properties. Then, while Stan pleaded with him to get back in the game, he decided to give them to Stan and me while my sister said he had no right to do so since he was no longer in the game and those weren’t his properties anymore. So he then went like “no, I’m kidding, I want to keep playing” and got his cards back, and THEN he distributed them to Stan and me and his money as well and went “I’m broke I lost the game”. My sister’s blood pressure peaked at that. While we all tended to her she had an emotional meltdown and started to vent about stuff. We winded up talking about how she needs to get a steady job and get out of my parents’ house, both my aunt and uncle included. We all played dumb when my parents came to pick us up in the car.

Sunday: We went to Wen and Ana’s dad’s place for a barbecue. The entire family was there (mom’s side). I have a crack on the triangular ligament of my right wrist so while trying to cut the overcooked rib with a stiff hand I spilled bbq sauce all over my white tank top. The uncle that was hosting the gathering got drunk pretty fast and tackled me to the floor for no apparent reason, so I, in turn, lifted his foot while getting up and got him to fall backward. Everyone cheered at my uncle’s humiliation. My dad had had a few glasses of wine so we had to wait a bit for him to drive, so in the meantime, the cousins played Pictionary, even the lil rascal, John(11 probably), and his twin sisters (9 or 10? omg), siblings to Ana and Wen. We got home and while some went to church I finished up installing the newest update of the Sims 4 and had a few sims apply for college. I wanted to watch the American Music Awards but it was dubbed so... I only watched from Taylor Swift’s medley and until the end over dinner.  

Yesterday, Monday: I cleaned the pool, folded two weeks worth of clothing that was piled up on the couch, got a bit sunburnt and also came to the conclusion that I am truly, after all, allergic to the sun (these “””freckles””” are itchy as fuck) and transcribed some scribbled on call sheets to send in over to production for the final folder of our college short film project. Turns out we’re missing the paperwork for at the very least to days of filming. Two days unaccounted for. I’m currently still waiting for production to send over all the templates so I can make up the missing paperwork to send over for the folder.

Today I finished up writing this journal/blog entry. Now I can move on with my life. Okay tomorrow the cousins will be having lunch at my grandma’s so expect an update on that. I highly doubt anyone will read this crap but I’m committed.