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greensaplinggrace · 3 years

Note

So you mentioned in another post that you have some strong thoughts on Baghra, especially about how the story frames her as one of the good guys. I would love to hear about it.

@youremotionallystablefriend: I would love to hear you rant about Baghra if you feel like it (and haven’t already)! Personally I don’t think she gets enough constructive critique in the fandom for being the one that brought Aleks up and for the way she treated her pupils and especially Alina :/

Anon: Hello! I love your thoughts on the grisha books. I'm actually interested to hear your take on Baghra

@misku-nimfa: If you are up for it, I would love to read your thoughts on Baghra or your full critique of society in the Grishaverse. Your analysis is really well structured and interesting! ^.^

Anon: Hi! I saw your recent post and was wondering if you'd share more of your thoughts on Baghra?

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Hello everyone! I was honestly very surprised to see so many people interested in my thoughts on Baghra? I'll share what I can, but please know that this is by no means a full breakdown of her character! It’s just some Thoughts I’ve had, and they’re mostly centered around show Baghra because that’s how I was first introduced to her character. Although IMO book Baghra might actually be even worse.

I’d like to preface this by saying that many of my issues with the treatment of Baghra as a character in fandom come from the wild double standard there seems to be regarding her and the Darkling. Darkling Antis and a vast majority of the people in this fandom who don’t like his character have a disturbing habit of absolutely ripping into the Darkling for all of his faults and then turning around and treating Baghra as some sort of pristine mother figure for the exact same shit.

They’ll talk about how badass she is, how strong she is, how they sympathize with her past (although they’ll continue to dehumanize the Darkling and refuse to sympathize with his own past) and sympathize with the fact that she has to deal with the Darkling (who’s always referred to as a monster she must corral or control, as if he is inhumane and beastly. These particular comments always take on the very distinct tone of victim blaming as well). They’ll laud her for all of these “powerful girlboss” moments as if they aren’t carbon copies of the Darkling’s own behavior - as if they aren’t things Baghra herself taught him. Which is why this is the wildest double standard of all to me, because every horrible action they praise Baghra for is something she taught the Darkling, and something they cannot stand to see in him as well.

It’s as if there’s a disconnect between their consumption of the literature when it comes to the two characters, and I’m of the opinion that it’s largely because Baghra is a woman and a mother and therefore infantilized in the fandom quite a bit. In fact, Bardugo herself often infantilizes many of her female characters in her writing. This is mostly through the process of excusing their terrible deeds, not allowing them to do anything remotely dark, or brushing any morally grey actions under the rug without ever touching upon them. Which puts me in the strange position of knowing I’m supposed to sympathize with Baghra for having to deal with the monster she’s created, and instead feeling resentful of the fact that this bitter woman is held up as this wise old strict teacher instead of the abusive mentor/mother she should have been.

Now, here’s what I said to make so many of you send me asks:

Last note, in reference to your first line, and also probably a pretty unpopular opinion. I do not like Baghra. And it legit has nothing to do with the Darkling or with Alina, I just don't like her "I'm going to hit you and berate you and emotionally abuse you and manipulate you and act like the good guy at the end of it" vibe she's got going on. At least Aleksander is acknowledged as the villain within the narrative. Idk wtf Baghra is on but it's absolutely wild to me that people aren't more critical of her actions. Which is, rather fortunately for you, another rant I will save for another post if anybody ever wants to hear it lol. (but like kudos to Baghra's actress. I loved the character as a character, I just don't like the way she's framed as a good guy. Weird. Uncomfortable. She literally set bees on the kids she was teaching).

This basically summarizes most of my thoughts on Baghra as a character and how she’s portrayed. I touched on it a bit above, but the way she’s able to get away with so much and not suffer under heavier critique is honestly baffling to me. There should be a lot more criticism of her out there in the fandom. This is the woman who abused her students and neglected her son. Although to be honest I don’t even know how to quite describe the emotionally neglectful yet unhealthily codependent bond she fostered in him from a young age. IMO, Baghra’s behavior around Aleksander is creepy, and I know she has a history that makes it more understandable, but it’s still incredibly disconcerting to witness.

But let’s get back on track! First of all, her students. Whom she physically, emotionally, and mentally abuses. She’s derisive, she’s insulting, she’s belittling. She works hard to strip them of any self confidence they may have. She uses pain as a means of triggering powers. And the strict teacher excuse doesn’t fly. The “it’s only a training method!” excuse is even worse. This is literal abuse she’s heaping on her students and it’s wretched.

The first thing she does to Alina when they first meet is insult her. Then she hits her. Then she kicks her out.

Second time they interact is a montage. Baghra hits Alina multiple times. She shames her. And then when Alina actually calls a light she tells her it’s not nearly enough, effectively wiping the smile off of her face and every sign of self confidence that had been building. Then we see the door to Baghra’s hut shut in Alina’s face. So now she has been bruised, battered, berated, stripped of all self confidence, and then banished again. As training methods go, this is not only entirely ineffective, but it’s also just abusive.

Then we get this interaction between Alina and her friends:

Marie: One time, Baghra released a hive of bees on me. Nadia: Worst part is, it worked. Marie: It really did. I could summon at will after that.

Which is fucking horrifying and not talked about nearly enough. That goes beyond hitting your students. Baghra used a fear tactic on a young girl to activate her powers. She literally tortured Marie to make her powers work.

Alina throughout this conversation is looking very disheartened. She’s lacking in any self confidence and the comment about the bees has clearly affected her. For someone who’s first words to Alina were “Everyone believes that you are the one. Come back when you believe it too,” Baghra doesn’t exactly seem keen on Alina actually believing she’s the one. If she did, she wouldn’t be stripping her of every positive emotion associated with sun summoning.

Let’s not forget that Baghra demeans Alina multiple times for her status as an orphan. How she utilizes what she knows of Alina’s emotional weaknesses to provoke her and discourage her and make her angry.

And then Baghra drugs her without consent. To take advantage of any information Alina gives her in that state. To use the way Alina reacts for her own ends.

Because why else would she say this?:

Alina: We planned to run away together. Baghra: You had plans. Perhaps he never did, because where is he now?

Which is, strangely enough, the same sense of isolation and separation from Mal and her past that Aleksander is attempting to foster. Weird how mother and son are both using the same manipulation tactics.

In fact, why does Baghra never tell Alina about the letters until she’s already engaged with Aleksander? Baghra must have known he was taking them. Alina talks about it enough. Baghra must have known he was isolating her from Mal. How could she not, when it’s revealed later that she has spies in the Little Palace collecting information on him? How could she not, when she knows he’s the villain from the beginning - when she knows he’s manipulating Alina?

Baghra knows, and yet she keeps the same lies Aleksander does and furthermore uses that information to make Alina feel even more isolated and weak. Baghra literally just piggy-backs on Aleksander’s manipulation and then exacerbates it. She wants Alina to feel no attachments to her past because she wants to use Alina as well. But for some reason, because this manipulation and treatment of Alina as some sort of tool is done by the woman who opposes the Darkling, it’s suddenly okay. As if it still isn’t the same terrible shit but with a different perpetrator. I mean damn, at least Aleksander feels something for Alina. Baghra’s just cold.

So, point by point. Baghra mentions how Mal doesn’t care for Alina, she mentions Alina’s failings constantly, she mentions Alina being an orphan, she constantly hits her, she guilts Alina about orphans dying, she works to instill a sense of isolation from her friends and her family.

And when Alina finally comes to Baghra, having decided to abandon her attachments to her past and her attachments to Mal, the words that ring in her head are Baghra's words - “needing anyone else is weak.” Which is honestly just a horrible sentiment in general, but an even worse one when considering how hard these people are working to detach Alina from anybody who can help her or give her an outside perspective.

Strangely, it’s also similar to this line:

The problem with wanting, is that it makes us weak.

...which is spoken by Baghra’s son. You know, the Darkling? Our big bad villain? The one Baghra raised?

Which gives me the impression that Baghra’s teaching methods with her students are really not that far off from the teaching methods she used on him as he was growing up. It’s a horrifying thought, and leads into my problems with her relationship with Aleksander.

First of all, show wise. What the fuck.

Aleksander: They’re punishing us for being Grisha. Baghra: Punishing you. You made him afraid. Now he wants you to fear him. Aleksander: I won a war for him. Baghra: And in doing so, started a war on us.

I get that she’s trying to convey how the king feels here, but it still feels incredibly victim blamey from a narrative standpoint. It isn’t Aleksander’s fault the king fears him when he used his powers under the King’s banner to help him win a war. Aleksander trusted this man who betrayed him and then betrayed his people, and we get a line from his mother, entirely unsympathetic, talking about how it’s his fault all of these people are dying.

Baghra: Where’s the girl, your healer? Aleksander: Dead. She died because of me. Baghra: She died because they always do. They’re not as strong as you and me.

Baghra’s use of the term ‘girl’ and ‘healer' here instead of Luda is pretty telling. She either doesn’t like Luda or doesn’t care for her. Either way, this is the woman her son loves, and Baghra talks about her so dispassionately. Then he comments on Luda’s death and there’s no reaction except to say that they always do.

Like, her son is literally broken up over here. Grieving. Desperate. Run ragged. Caged and hunted. Feeling guilty as hell. Mind running through a million different ways he could possibly save all of these people. And Baghra offers him nothing except a paltry “people die, get over it, we’re better than that, she didn’t matter anyway.”

Honestly, how is Aleksander even still functioning at this point? He has no support system and he’s working against a king and his army to protect a group of civilians he could easily abandon to save himself. The sheer amount of responsibility and mental strain keeping track of a group alone entails is already monstrous, but adding in every other factor? The recent death of Luda, the fact that they’re cornered and they’ve been hunted down while fleeing across the land, the fact that he was just a couple hours ago forced to his knees and entirely at these men’s mercy, begging for Luda’s life. And here his mother is, if anything a negative support system. Offering no other ideas, telling him to give up hope, not even offering the barest smidgeon of emotional support as he grieves, putting everything on his shoulders.

It pisses me the fuck off.

Aleksander: You’re the one who taught me how to kill, mother. Their blood is on your hands as much as mine. Baghra: I taught you so you could protect yourself. Not them.

Once more, Baghra highlights how he needs to protect himself. How he should abandon the people he’s protecting. How he shouldn't help others and only ever himself. Once more, she says it’s my way or the high way. There’s zero effort to work with him. Zero effort to sympathize or compromise. She’s constantly pushing him to take the one option she knows he won’t take. The hell did she think was going to happen?

Also, Baghra taught him how to kill. Not necessarily great parenting, but understandable given the circumstances of his upbringing. But the level to which she takes it is honestly concerning. Like, look no further than this woman to see where Aleksander got it from lol.

Baghra also forbids him from using Merzost. Which is great and all, she gets to claim the moral high ground. But she doesn’t offer a single alternative except to flee and let everybody die. There was legitimately no other option to Merzost except for torture and death. If there was, Baghra sure as hell didn’t help Aleksander come up with one. Aleksander, who - by the way - is in no fit emotional state to be making any kind of decision right now.

So anyways, that’s just my tv show grief regarding Baghra, and it’s not even really all of it. I don’t want to make this an hour long read though lmao. But I’ll go over a few other things.

First of all, Baghra’s whole “We’re the only two that matter. We have to do whatever we can to protect ourselves,” mentality is one that she actively touts to Aleksander on a regular basis when he’s incredibly young. It’s honestly a wonder he grows up to care about other people at all. But the mentality itself is something Aleksander still heavily internalized in regards to protecting himself and those he deems worthy at any cost.

There’s a moment in the books when Aleksander is attacked and nearly drowned by some kids who wanted his bones (one of which was a close friend of his). He uses the cut in self defense and then blames the nearby Otkazat’sya village. Baghra knows he’s lying, and yet she allows an entire village to get slaughtered for harming him. This is a disproportionately violent act that Baghra approves of, and Aleksander as a kid is definitely internalizing that mindset.

Also, Baghra’s behavior around Aleksander has always been weirdly possessive and controlling. Especially when it comes to the people he loves. Her actions often come across as her trying to isolate him in order to keep him by her side, even when the relationships he has are clearly intimate. Which... is especially strange for a mother to be doing to her son.

She was also an extremely emotionally neglectful mother. Based on the show and what I gathered from her actions there, I’m actually half convinced she was physically abusive as well, in that “I think I’m being a stern, good parent figure when in reality I’m actually harming my child” kind of way. She fosters codependence with her son and then refuses to provide for any of his emotional needs. She drives it into his head that everybody dies, that he’ll always be alone, that love is useless and power is everything. She denies him the opportunity to be soft and works to harden him at a young age. She tells him he must never allow people to touch him, except she doesn’t work to supplement those physical needs in any way. She essentially abuses him.

Honestly, I could go on. But in reality the simple fact is that I just don’t like her. I think she’s a hypocrite. I think she’s abusive. I think she’s a terrible mentor and an even worse mother. And I think the fandom and the books are willing to brush aside so many of her faults simply because she opposes the Darkling.

I’m sorry if this isn’t what you guys were looking for! It sounds like a lot of you wanted a more of a sophisticated breakdown, but my thoughts on Baghra come with a heap of emotional baggage lol. It feels weird to say this now, but I actually do like the character as a character, I just,,, don’t like her in every other aspect. My feelings on Baghra are just a bit personal, to be honest. But hopefully this was at least comprehensible??

#shadow and bone #sab #grishaverse #anti leigh bardugo #anti baghra #baghra critical #sab spoilers #demon in the wood spoilers #aleksander morozova #sab meta #the darkling #fandomcourse #myramblings #leigh bardugo critical #mymetas #anti darklina bs #please dont hate me for this #aaahhhh now im worried #Yikes

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bookofmirth · 3 years

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ok so this might come off as a bit rambly so please bear with me lol

i've noticed that the acotar fandom has this incessant need to be right when it comes to canon and it really sucks out the funness of fandom. shipping is supposed to be fun but when it comes to this fandom, it's almost like a competition to see who will be more right when the books come out. engaging with theories/predictions about characters and the plot is supposed to be exciting but when it comes to this fandom, some of the theories/predictions are problematic at worst and nonsensical at best. like how can you say with your full chest that you're so confident about where the series is heading in the future because of this or that theory when you're stuck in the past and refuse to see what all of the text is telling you in the present. it doesn't make sense. the selective reading is so strong that it has me looking sideways sometimes lol

i guess my question is why do you think the fandom is so divided when it comes to ships right now? i've seen people say this wasn't the case for feysand and nessian, so what's the difference here?

Oh boy Brielle, I have some thoughts on this. It's complex.

To be clear, I am not saying that this applies to literally every single person who ships a certain way. This is a commentary on the fandom as a whole, and there are always exceptions.

This got really, really long, so I'm putting it under the cut.

I think that one of the main draws of this series, and of sjm's writing in general, is her ships. I think that people get very, very attached to their ships.

I also think that sjm does NOT fully think through some of the choices that she makes when writing. See: the way that she takes from all these different cultures and mashes them together, which could be seen as disrespectful of their origin. She has retconned things, like Mor being queer and Lucien being Helion's son. I think that she thoroughly thinks about some of the aspects of her books, like Rhys's reaction to sleeping with Feyre for the first time, but then really half-asses other aspects of her books, like Mor coming out.

Then, we have your good old misogyny and homophobia - people in the fandom don't like Mor because she hurt the poor bat boy's feelings when she didn't sleep with him, and they don't have a mating bond, but she's never really told Azriel "no", and so every single moment of pain that Azriel has felt in 500 years is Morrigan's fault. And Mor's experience as a closeted queer woman who feels unsafe around the people she should trust the most is completely disregarded by the fandom.

Finally, I think that a combination of these factors has created the monster we know as e*riel, and that the fandom is perpetuating its own mythology.

What all of this comes down to, and the real reason I think that the fandom is behaving this way right now, is that e*riel is dead. It's never happened, it's not going to happen, but because we don't have the clear closure we got with moriel (where people would be accused of homophobia for continuing to ship it), people are still trying to figure out any possible way for e*riel to become canon, though every single sign points to it being a non-issue.

This weird thing where people have to be "right" all the time, and the way that "right" = "canon" is a relatively new development. It's as if everyone in this fandom forgot that they are in fact in a fandom, which inherently diverges from canon.

However, I think that the need to cling to canon is because the alternative would be to admit defeat and say "well, even if it doesn't happen I will still ship e*riel, it's fine, I will live with that." But they don't want to do that. In response, they look at canon so hard that they are reading the white space between the letters to create their theories, which as you noted as largely nonsensical and often fail to take into account who the characters are as individuals, how they are connected to other characters, and why it would or wouldn't be appropriate for them to be involved in various plots.

People could say, as eluciens having been saying since day one, "I really ship this thing but I can see that it might not become canon". But they don't say that. They literally refuse to see any other possibility than e*riel becoming canon.

You pointed out that people are stuck in the past - absolutely. The number of reimaginings I have seen of scenes where either Azriel or Elain has literally zero to do with the scene, but people try to shove one or both of them in there. And this from books ago. People are stuck on the Truthteller scene, and refuse to acknowledge that neither of them have acted on their feelings, whatever those might be, for years. And they ignore the fact that once Elain and Az do act, it goes horribly wrong.

Here are the facts as of right now:

ACOSF is the most recent book. In that book, sans extra chapter, those two had no interaction other than looking at one another.

If we include his POV, then he said it was wrong, we got confirmation that nothing has ever happened between them, she returned his necklace. Elain was aroused, but that does not mean she was ready to even have sex. "Yes" to a kiss is not "yes" to every single sexual act Az can think of. They parted on awkward, bad terms after a scene in which it seemed like they were about to start something. Yikes. Unlike Wings and Embers, they did not end that chapter still thinking of one another. After they part ways, the omniscient narrator does not mention Elain, or Az thinking about Elain, again.

His POV occurs months before the end of the book. They do not interact after that.

Elain has a mate she has not rejected, nor accepted.

So anyway, your question was why are people like this. lol. I think the fandom created a monster, and that monster is clinging to life. It can't accept the idea of morphing into a non-canon ship, though it never was canon in the first place. It had just convinced itself that it was.

There are other aspects to this, that have to do with gwynriel and elucien.

Gwynriel is a new ship, it's almost guaranteed to happen, people are super excited to ship it and give Gwyn all their love. I'm sure they would rather create content for that ship than argue about whether or not it's going to be canon, but they are in constant defense mode. Some people honestly didn't like e*riel before because they don't like Elain, or because they don't like Azriel, and those are valid reasons for not liking it. Why people ship gwynriel doesn't matter. The tone of the discussion is, unfortunately, being shaped elsewhere, which I will mention below.

Elucien is an old ship, older than e*riel. I can speak from this perspective - personally, I have been holding my tongue for 4.5 years. I have been letting people live, and just talking about the things I like. Then when acosf came out, it was like I could finally say all the things I had been thinking about Azriel, because I now had proof that the things I thought about his character (and because of that, about e*riel) now had solid canon foundation. This is 4.5 years of me holding in a lot of shit and finally being able to say it. Sometimes yes, I might take joy in having been right.

I think that a few people are clinging to canon, and that sets the tone for the discourse in the fandom. Someone says "according to page whatever, blah blah blah" and people feel the need to respond, and then it turns into and "I'm right" contest instead of... a fandom... A lot of us like debating. To me, it's fun. But when Person A starts a conversation that's about canon and it actually ignores canon, it's hard to let that conversation go by and just keep creating whatever we want to create. Instead, we respond, and so the tone of the conversation is shaped by what Person A decided to say.

I also think that there is a lack of distinction between theories (what will happen in the future) and meta (analysis of what we have now).

There is also a lack of "I" statements. Opinions are being stated as fact.

idk if there is a way to make it better, other than to just go back to ignoring one another. This whole situation makes me want to throw out every single canon ship I like and create exclusively non-canon content, just for spite. Except I really like doing meta, and so I don't want to. I guess for my point, I'll just keep doing meta, keep creating different content, and keep reminding people that they aren't here to continue perpetuating canon, but to play with it.

#ask #gimme-mor #acotar #antielriel #gwynriel #elucien #acotar fandom #fandom things #fandom history

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firelxdykatara · 3 years

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Hello! I say this in the kindest way possible, but can you please provide evidence that theowelspeaks is a terf? I'm a black zutara shipper and for years have really felt shoved by the fandom and it hasn't been my safe space. But YOUR blog and you made me feel better. I'm not in your discord but you're being accused of racism. I don't follow the owlspeaks and wanna support you but if you're being accused of racism why are you calling someone a terf?

Can you please show where they are a terf? I'm only asking this because I really REALLY love you and I support you. And if they are a terf, you need to provide evidence. It is heavily suspicious when a person of color calls out a white woman on racism and you don't address the accusations but just call them a terf. I want to support you I really do because you made me feel comfortable in the fandom, but I need to see concrete evidence that they're a terf. Never mind, I saw the whole situation and honestly I'm disgusted I ever follow or looked up to you. You're literally no different from other racist white shippers. I think there went my love for zutara.

I'm going to take this at face value--not that, on any real level, I actually believe you were a follower of mine or did anything close to due diligence, because if you were or had then you would know that I never actually called that blogger a terf--and answer as respectfully as I can. Mostly because I want anyone who has genuine issues with anything I've said or done to know that despite whatever's going around about me right now, I am willing to listen to criticism if it comes from a place of good faith.

(You can think whatever you want about my insistence on 'good faith', but the fact is that I have weathered being slammed with accusations of pedophilia and other horrible things over differences in headcanon of shit like character ages or writing a fic set years post-canon because I felt like it, right down to the insistence that I'm a horrible racist because of my url, so no. I'm not going to listen to someone slinging slurs and buzzwords in my inbox just because they claim to be a poc. And before that sets anyone off, the slurs I'm talking about are aimed at my queerness. I do not consider being called racist or a white bitch or whatever slurs, because they aren't.)

First of all, once again, I never called that blogger a terf. You can easily read my post about them for yourself and see that--ctrl+F for the term 'terf', and you will not find it. Why? Because I called them out on peddling radfem rhetoric, (which they are) not for being a terf. All terfs are radfems--it's in the name--but not all radfems are terfs, although all radfem rhetoric is exceptionally harmful to queer people in general, and queer poc more than most, as is the nature of intersectionality.

Anti-kink rhetoric, and the insistence that some kink is inherently harmful and that no one could legitimately have these kinks or fetishes without being mentally ill or traumatized, is radfem rhetoric. That's where it comes from, that's where it leads to, and I'll be honest here, 'radfem' is not an identity label. It's an ideology. You do not get to parrot core tenets of that ideology and then claim to not be a radfem. That simply isn't how this works.

Furthermore, I have no idea who the person behind theowlspeaks blog is. I will take them at their word that they are not white, but that doesn't exactly narrow things down--and considering the fact that they chose to put me on blast for their small but dedicated ring of followers rather than actually coming to me personally first about any of this (their blog is very obviously a burner, and it wouldn't have been that difficult to approach me since I've only ever turned anon off once, for one night to give myself some breathing room, and otherwise my asks and DMs have always been open), I have no reason to actually care about what they're saying. But I point out the lack of knowledge of their identity because a) they didn't even reveal themselves as not white until.... yesterday? or something, when they were directly asked about it, and b) trying to frame this as 'white woman accused of racism calls person of color a terf' is... disingenuous at best given the fact that I have been calling them a radfem (which they are) since well before they posted that screenshot and my name wound up on their blog, so you got the order of events just a little backwards.

I blocked them initially because of the radfem rhetoric they were peddling about kink and fetishes, and I have the right to establish that boundary. This blog is for me, it is my space, and I do not have to expose myself to views I find gross or harmful just because they dress it up in faux-woke terminology and try to pretend they actually care.

If they cared about real people more than the fictional characters they are so adamantly 'protecting', then they wouldn't have brushed off the actual racism (from one of their followers--they're more than happy to blast me without any evidence, but that's hardly out of the ordinary for people like that) that was brought to their attention by refocusing the discussion on the fake people who literally can't be hurt by any of this because they don't exist. They wouldn't be ignoring the two woc who chose to contact them and tell them why they made the choices they did regarding both the discord and the smut week event, while being perfectly happy to platform anons who may or may not be who or what they say they are.

I, for one, am not going to apologize for caring more about real people than fictional characters. I'm not going to apologize for thinking it's absolutely ludicrous to pretend that fiction is somehow harmful just by existing, especially when it's appropriately tagged so that anyone who finds the content harmful can avoid it. I'm not going to back down from these opinions just because a handful of people have apparently decided I'm a horrible person because of it. And I'm certainly not going to apologize for thinking it's despicable that someone who was not involved in the conversation chose to leak out of context screenshots rather than privately contacting any of the people involved or even going to any of the mods, before going right to an anonymous blog. You may not care about me or my mental health, but I had panic attacks because of that leak--not because I said anything untoward in that screenshot, not because I've ever said anything in that discord that I wouldn't happily stand behind on my blog, but because I no longer felt safe. And I am not going to bare my trauma to a complete stranger to justify that lmfao.

So, like, think what you want to. I'm pretty sure that blogger is getting high off of the drama they are creating, none of which would actually have happened or been any real issue if more people were able to think, gee, maybe this work that is tagged with things I don't want to read about is not for me! Maybe I shouldn't read this piece, since it would probably upset me, and there's plenty others around for me to consume! I do not trust that blogger's intentions. I do not trust that they actually give a shit about any real people, or they wouldn't have posted an out of context screenshot of... literally nothing tbh, when they had no right to and are now protecting the identity of the person who leaked them instead of giving a shit about any of the real people in that space who no longer feel safe because we aren't sure who we can't trust.

But you've already made up your mind, and I can't change that. I genuinely hope you have a nice life, and find fandom spaces more suited to your tastes.

#Anonymous #asked #anon hate party #fandom racism #salt for ts #theowlspeaks discourse #idk what else to tag this #i'm not putting it in the zk tag cause there's been enough bs lately

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kohakhearts · 2 years

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i’d like to address a few things about my posting here and my fics because it’s been weighing on my mind for a while and i’ve been having a difficult time deciding how i want to move forward. i know a lot of people have followed me for harry potter content, and that i’ve got a lot of ongoing hp fanworks. so i’m going to talk about what i’m planning to do about these things under the cut. my feelings on this are complicated and i’ve been trying to figure them out for, honestly, years now. thank you for following me and engaging with my content through this time. i’m very thankful for the people i’ve met and for the readers who’ve reached out to me with kind words!

i’ve talked about this before, but i haven’t liked jkr for a long long time. i started to see a lot of her shit when i was ~14. in fact, i got into some tumblr discourse about it from time to time LMAO. so, for me, “separating the art and artist” happened a long time ago (in quotes because that’s not actually possible to do). it’s the reason why i never bothered to support tcc. i read portions of online, but mostly didn’t care about it and had no interest in buying or seeing it. same with the fb movies. the more things she posted on pottermore, the more i ignored them. now, i still find some value as a fic writer in a lot of the lore presented in these things - that’s uh...what the fandom wiki is for, frankly. lmao. from a 10-year-old who worshipped this woman to a very bitter lgbtq teen within only a few years - now, at 21, i have spent most of my time ignoring her. although, i will say, it used to be a big goal of mine to be blocked by her on twitter. unfortunately, i didn’t become active on twitter until about 5 years ago, and she wasn’t very active anymore until she started spewing her terf shit. now, i just don’t want to put her on my trans friends’ timelines. so i don’t really engage, because i think we need to just ignore her. she’s like a kid having a temper tantrum. except i won’t move the metaphorical furniture out of the way for her because i don’t give a shit if she hurts herself, so to speak.

anyway, that’s the big point for me. i don’t want my trans friends to have to see her or her creations or anything. i don’t want to put them in a position where they’ll see me, someone they care about, giving unfettered praise to her (ok, in all fairness, i’ve probably never done this; i can’t ever talk about harry potter without also mentioning how much it fucking sucks, because it does. but that’s not enough) when she is actively trying to get them killed. because that’s what it is. it is violence. plain and simple.

i love harry potter. it’s such an important series to me, and there are a lot of reasons why. i wouldn’t be the writer i am now without it. i wouldn’t have met a lot of my friends. i would have missed out on a lot of important self-reflection i’ve done through these books and my transformative works. this isn’t going to change just because the author is a horrible person who created a...horrifically racist world. there are a lot of lgbtq+ hp fans out there, and i do want to support those people above all else. but at the end of the day, i’m also not willing to sacrifice the happiness i gain from creating my content when i genuinely don’t think it will make a difference whatsoever. actually, i think i can make a better statement if i continue to update my fics. just because i can’t deplatform her doesn’t mean i have to deplatform myself.

so, at the risk of looking like a performative POS, i will continue to post fic. maybe someday i’ll write oneshots again, but for now at least i’m just looking at my big projects. after the ones i’m currently working on, i can’t say whether or not there will be more, but i think it’s unlikely there will be. honestly? creating new works from scratch just isn’t as fun anymore. i’ve gotten most of what i needed/wanted out of the series, and that’s enough for me. i have a lot of guilt about creating for it at all. so i’ll continue to post, but you will never see me post a chapter without something in the notes about jkr’s rancid views. every time i post a new chapter of something, i will donate some amount to a uk-based trans organization. whether that will be a set amount or will be x dollars per x thousand words, i’m not sure yet, and it will depend on my own financial situation. because i’m a student, and unemployed, and i still have at least 2 years of school left. and i will encourage my readers to match my donations whenever possible.

as for my tumblr, well...i think it’s hard, because without personally knowing every single person in the fandom, you can’t really say which hp fans are in support of her and which ones aren’t. so i don’t really want to continue to let hp have such a large presence on my blog. i’ll probably still rb gifsets and fanartfrom time to time, but i am 100% willing to trigger tag anything related to hp and i probably won’t be making any more gifsets myself, or at least significantly fewer of them. i’m still willing to take requests for hp gifsets and fics. in the future, if people wanted it, i would be willing to do hp requests like a sort of charity drive - you pay $1+ to a trans org, i’ll accordingly match with like 100 words/$1 or 1 gif/$1 or something like that. if any other hp content creators are interested in organizing something like that somewhat en masse, let me know because i’m not really “in” the fandom anymore so my reach is quite limited lmao but i’ve done a fair bit of fundraising work irl and i would be more than happy to organize.

with all that said, you’ll notice i’ve been very inactive/haven’t been updating much in the past year-ish. part of that is that i’m busy with school. the bigger part is that my mental health has crashed and burned. i’m not in a great place and i’m endeavouring to not talk about it as much as possible because that’s something i need to be able to do for my own healing process. i’m doing a lot of therapy, but i haven’t really been able to write. i’ve been focussing on other projects trying to get my voice back and everything. don’t know how long it will take before i get back into my ongoing fics and novels, but it will happen eventually. thank you for your patience and understanding. i really hope this process will serve to make me a better storyteller in the end.

that’s kind of all i’ve got to say here. i’m willing to discuss anything i’ve mentioned if people have questions or are feeling conflicted themselves. wishing you all the very best. take care <3

#jk rowling tw //#harry potter #hp tw //#taylor.txt

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jason-pipers · 3 years

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the jason/piper breakup and jason’s subsequent death

it is a long and angry post so you have been warned

I’m really sick of seeing Jason Grace/Piper McLean slander in their own tag, and I’m really, really sick of seeing people justify their breakup/his death as good writing.

As I’ve been studying literature and text for the past four years at Uni- I can say with absolute confidence that The Burning Maze utilizing Jason and Piper was horrible. Like a bag of shit mixed together then smeared on paper and published kind of horrible. Actually, you don’t even really need a degree to be able to point out the very basic absurdity of them appearing in TBM. So even though I have a paper due on a completely unrelated topic and a lot of homework, I naturally decided this was a much better thing to write about:

Maybe in another world, Rick’s ghostwriters will be better at writing his books. The reason why the Jason/Piper breakup was extremely confusing and done very poorly in the sense of their character arcs was that there was no buildup to the breakup. In fact, I think these two got together off-screen and broke up off-screen. Yet, I’m sure Riordan sat at his desk thinking “now why don’t people just like Jason and Piper?? I give them so much!” Actually, you gave them nothing. It’s also considerably easy to disguise their breakup as logical when it isn’t. Now, people will argue that the basic foundation of the relationship was poorly made because of Hera’s meddling and that’s why they broke up. This is a lazy way to think about it because it’s obvious you don’t care about the characters so you should just say that and go. Hera’s meddling (putting false memories of Jason in Piper’s head and wiping Jason’s brain) really only gave Piper a vague notion of Jason (based on real attributes the Mist pulls) and also gave PERCY and Jason multiple relationships after the switcheroo. But Piper actually meets Jason and then has a subsequent breakdown that maybe he’s not her boyfriend. However, once she gets to know the real Jason (very accurate to the one she knew in her memories because Aphrodite said she could sense real possibilities hinting at their romance), she is still developing romantic feelings for him. It’s implied that the reason why Piper is falling so fast is because the memories she has of Jason are based on the real Jason. It’s easy to establish that Piper has real romantic feelings for Jason, not the made up Jason because the majority of TLH is them getting to know each other. If she felt like there was some confusion on her part about developing feelings for him because of Hera switching Percy and Jason- why did it not come up EVER? The months where Jason and Piper started dating. How about that long ass quest on the Argo? It could have been a valid plot line but it never came up. If it had come up near the end of the series or maybe even if it was a small subplot in the series, it would make the breakup logical, at least narratively. But no, we end Blood of Olympus with Jason and Piper coming full circle with the moment in the stars. Flash forward three years later to TBM where everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) about Piper and Jason are thrown into the trash. They’re broken up due to the false memories and overall I guess it’s implied Piper doesn’t have feelings for him anymore or something? Or the trauma of being in something like that prophecy was a lot for her to handle and she needed some time to figure things out? Yeah of course! Just like when she will go through another trauma (Jason dying for her) and start dating someone new right after. This would be so much easier to read and digest if these things are shown- in their own series and maybe not as a side thing to Apollo’s series. Reading it in TOA was completely out of left field. I know SO MANY PEOPLE were like that makes so much sense! Good for you Piper! But I was like girl, who are you? I feel like I have not spent any time with you and none of what you’re saying is connecting to anything you were like before. Which leads me to believe people just did not like Piper in HOO but just say that and go. HOO Piper is not TBM/TOA Piper. RR doesn’t know how to characterize his own goddamn characters. Furthermore, everything in canon up until TBM implies and directly states that Jason and Piper are endgame. It’s not to say they didn’t have problems that were resolved or that the way they got together was conventional. There was not even a smidge bit of reluctance to admit they were canon endgame- I think RR even had Cupid involved. There was no prediction or even hint of what would happen in TBM in HOO, which is a very big narrative problem. Jason, always isolated by loved ones and quite frankly always shouldering way more than a human can handle dies exactly the way he suffers. There is no growth or even a small lovely moment where we can see Jason.

This brings me to the most unnecessary death I’ve ever read in my life. I know RR’s ego hurt from the complaints about Jason/Piper/Frank/Hazel/Leo (basically a non-Percabeth character) being underdeveloped. I know his ego was fucked when he “killed” Leo but didn’t really kill Leo so everyone was like what the fuck. I know he wanted to prove he is a good writer but like any other bad writer, he decided to jump the shark. And I know he wanted Jason and Piper to be more likable but the fandom really wanted a Leo-esque character. The breakup really happened because he wanted to demonstrate to critics that he could live with couples not being endgame and knew Jasiper was relatively unpopular compared to Percabeth/Caleo/etc. He wasn’t thinking in terms of ‘does this fit what I’ve created’ but in terms of ‘people might be like oh shit this is violent and they’re finally gone!’. I don’t know what idiotic thought process made him reach the point of killing one of them but he obviously got there. See, there is no difference between Jason or Piper dying in TBM. It could’ve easily been Piper who was impaled by Caligula and reminded Apollo “what it’s like to be human”. They were made *that* insignificant in TBM. Pretty much fucking interchangeable. IN DEATH. It also could’ve been anybody else in the world. It could’ve been that cheerleader from The Battle of the Labyrinth. It could’ve been Piper’s dad. It could have been Sally Jackson. Not a single part of Jason’s death was really related to Jason or his growth. Jason was the main/lead from HOO and if he was destined to die (which he wasn’t because RR doesn’t think anything through anymore), he should have died in his own series. That would make his sacrifice more compelling and important, but dying in TOA is just a big fuck you to his character. I think the only equivalent I can think of is if HOO had solely been Jason’s series but RR pulled up Percy to simply kill him and then just kept writing. What the fuck does TOA have anything to do with Jason or Piper? Or even Leo? I usually love when characters make cameo appearances to remind us of the past we loved them in. Kind of like when Lynda Carter appeared as Asteria in WW1984. Conversely, involving them in the plot and then using them as a plot device for the main character- AKA USING YOUR MAIN CHARACTER AS A PLOT DEVICE FOR ANOTHER MAIN CHARACTER IN A SEPARATE SERIES- is not only dumb but it truly makes everything else you’ve written for the first main character devoid of any real significance. Jason was never a fully fleshed-out character, the way he deserved to be written, because RR couldn’t world build as well as he thought and that ‘every single character gets a POV’ didn’t do the legendary thing he thought it did. However, anything that mattered about Jason was pretty much killed in TBM because he was easily killed by a villain that was not even remotely interested in Jason or aware of his existence. What does FUCK does Caligula mean to Jason? Nothing. Did the final battle create a full circle for Jason other than the line “remember?” which is not really related to his amnesia- no. His character arc was about an identity crisis- being pushed and pulled in two directions. Jason barely means anything to Apollo so RR using Jason as a convenient kill to send home a message is also shitty for Apollo. Lead hero characters can die- they sometimes just have to. Marissa Cooper’s death in the OC narratively makes sense due to the nature of the character being a damsel in distress from the very beginning- a foil to her counterpart, Ryan Atwood. But in this case, RR knew he had to shock people to keep getting $$$. I never got the impression RR cared about Jason or Piper, especially since he was incredibly disrespectful and lazy when writing about Piper. (For that- I can link really detailed posts explaining his racism). The truth is Riordan cannot live without putting his characters in relationships- Frazel, Caleo, Tyson/Ella (?), Hedge/Mellie- but he wanted to prove that he could which is why Jasiper broke up.

Piper’s girlfriend in TON- I didn’t read TON for the reasons above and I don’t think I’ll ever read a Riordan book again: I did find out that Piper gets a GF in TON which at first I thought was incredibly neat but then later became angry when I learned it was only months after Jason’s death? I have always wanted Piper to explore her sexuality but RR has this case of never giving important things the development it deserves. He’s incredibly messy and inconsistent when he creates lgbtqia+ characters, usually only including them so he can get credit for including them. He’s never actually explored Piper’s sexuality fully in the series, but he threw her in yet another relationship we didn’t get to read about right after she was almost beaten to death and then witnessed the murder of her ex-boyfriend. If you think that is representation, please rethink that. We don’t get to hear her talk about anything at all, except maybe mentioning the girl’s name. A subtle hint. Just representation is not good representation and it is right that we demand better representation. Don’t settle for less. For fuck’s sake, Riverdale is only really good at queerbaiting but they get so much praise. (Do they? At this point I can’t tell). If we wanted to explore Piper’s sexuality, it could have been done while she was with Jason or even broken up with him in her own series- why didn’t RR explore the nature of being lgbtqia+ in an Indigenous family? He had the chance to demonstrate an awareness of intersectionality through Piper but he fucked up. He had so much to write about. So, people who are yelling happily about that Piper appearance in TON-???

This was long and frustrating to write. But I had feelings.

#jason grace #Piper McLean #percy jackson #pjo #jasiper #jasper #jiper #toa #trials of apollo #Heroes of Olympus

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pendragaryen · 4 years

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The things that stay with us...

This was supposed to be my last BFSN-post while the show is still airing - the last BFSN-entry right before the series finale. But now it’s just... a FSN-post? Call it a Big-Hug-post. A Hug-Gratitude-post. Or whatever you prefer. Though in my heart Bellarke will ALWAYS be canon (and nothing can ever change that): They didn’t give it to us in the actual show (a show, whose narrative clearly told us otherwise all this time, but well.. whatever...). It’s too much honour to grace such a disappointing last season with a BFSN, dearies. (Or... even more so now? ;P ) So, call it what you like i guess! ;). Honestly, i didn’t want it to end.. just like that... without any last words to you, the kindest, most tolerant and beautiful minded fandom i’ve ever been (proudly!) a part of since 2016. (The selfie lies. It’s not current. I’m sorry, i can’t show you my face these days.. This is from the day just before it all went inevitably down with this season: BB’s death. So... enjoy: That smile’s for you, fam! ;) 2nd pic: The tattoo i got almost two years ago now, on Sept. 22nd 2018, and that never fails to remind me of my emotional support person and the fact, that after every “down” in life there will come an “up” again <3<3<3 )

What makes the whole experience of this last ever season of The 1OO for me so incredibly sad is.... Well, please bear with me if you will... My english STILL isn’t the very best... But i’m trying to put my feelings into words:

Last year, when we got the news that S7 would be the final season, i DREADED this moment. I was AFRAID of this last day (and the hours) before the actual finale. And why so? Bc I am a person, who’s an incredible loser when it comes to let go of the things i love so dearly. Like The 1OO. I... in times i was OBSESSED with it, with the story, with the chacracters and the way they’ve been written, so credible, so tangible in their actions, nothing was just bad or good and even the villains actions had been understandable to some extend. It was amazing! I felt with almost every character! I LOVED it. (And to be very clear here: I’ll never STOP loving The 100′s 6 seasons, that are still existing for me!)

But what i wanted to say is: I dreaded the moment when l would have to let it go. THat inevitable moment, when this show with all its storylines and characters, that have been a part of my life for the last years and that i love so dearly, really ends. Forever. It would end and i wouldn’t be ready to let go, bc it means the world to me. Bc it changed me in more than just one way - no, even better, bc it made me want to change myself! “To do better...” *ugly crying...* THis show SAVED me in a way and in a time, where i was in a very dark place in life, in a very dark mind space (constant illnesses, termination of my job due to these illnesses, an ugly lawsuit etc. pp) , this show and its actors, especially one Robert Alfred Morley (yes), who helped me to look at myself and my mental insecurities and illness from a whole new point of view. I wasn’t ashamed of myself anymore. I felt... relieved. Understood. I even felt kind of loved for what i am, even with my anxieties. (There may or may not come a point or even a person in everyones life, that helps to develop this new kind of view on themselves. And for me this person was and always will be Bob Morley. And whatever happens, i’ll always love him for his open- and kindness and be thankful for his inspiration. I still call myself lucky to have talked with him a couple of times. I treasure these moments. Always.)

So, i was AFRAID of this day, when this all would come to an end. I KNEW it would wreck me, i would be devestated, i would be so incredibly sad, that i won’t be able to put it into words.

And here i am now. I AM sad. I AM devestated. But for so very different reasons that i could never imagine in my wildest nightmares... This last season... Season 7--- no i won’t start again. Not AGAIN. But... just that: What they’ve been creating for us here... it really overshadowed my joy of watching this show throughout this last season, yes even BEFORE that horrible murder of my all time fave and comfort character. I take back whatever i said about S6 or even S5. THIS... S7 was the season, that didn’t feel like the show i fell in love with anymore. Though changes CAN be refreshing and exciting... these changes haven’t been that for me.

Look. The thing is: Even WITH Bob’s request for time off and everything... There would’ve been PLENTY options for the writers to actually make it all make kind of sense! THEY COULD’VE DONE IT BETTER! If they’d really wanted to, that is... And here’s the point: I think they didn’t WANT it. For whatever reasons, whatever happened bts, they decided to do it like they did. And no-one’s able to understand their choices or the characters anymore - those characters we used to know so well, these characters i felt with over the course of so many seasons - who i could understand! EVEN THE VILLAINS! And now... look at the thanks we got. I can’t understand shit anymore when it comes to S7. Bc nothing makes sense. When i see even the GREATEST meta-writers among us surrender in their posts - than it’s really sad times for this fandom...

It’s not even just about Bellarke anymore. Sure, i AM disappointed that they’re not canon now. But then they shouldn’t have arranged the whole story around these two! “The backbone of the whole story”!!! I am laughing. In that case S7 was SPINELESS! Let me tell you. Everyone’s just... flailing around... great little side storylines, but somehow... disconnected from each other and all over the place. That’s how it felt for me to watch this season. And i’m feeling so exhausted by now... I never stopped hoping... I always thought, at some point it would make sense. I’ve read all your great metas AND I WANTED TO BELIEVE! It made perfect sense! (I seriously felt like Fox Mulder from time to time this season... and the lack of sense in the storyline as well as the complete absence of my personal faves (yes i include Clarke (Eliza) here, bc heck, she was so sidelined this season too, self inflicted or not) - all these things had been the “UFO’s or aliens i was hoping to see�� one day... Guess i was wrong.)

I’m babbling... Sorry. But it will be for the last time in that kind of form. Promise.

At the end of the day (at the end of all things.. sigh, Frodo... i see you... *blinks back tears*) I am so glad that you’re all here with me, in the same boat. That I’m not alone feeling this kind of lost and baited and betrayed. Bc whatever you like to call it: The narrative promised us otherwise. Did JRott OWE us canon Bellarke? NO. Of course not. But HIS STORY did. The story he’d been telling us for SIX GD YEARS! THAT is what makes me so mad. But most of the time (and despite the selfie above) i’m just sad. Sad and disappointed. I know it will pass one day. And that i’ll find joy in watching S1-4, even S5 except for a couple of scenes, and certain episodes of S6 again. But now is not the day. Even IF they’ll give these characters a “happy ending” in some transcended form or whatever, in the afterlife maybe,... S7 is ruined for me. It wasn’t even a bliss for me before, but it was certainly ruined after they killed “The Heart” - pointlessly (THIS is what will haunt me even years from now..).

Today is the day for saying goodbye. It aches my heart, that we’ll have to do it the way we have to now. But at least we are together. So let’s raise a glass in honour of all the hours of joy and excitement this show brought us over the years, maybe even the tears and laughter, let’s raise a glass for the outstanding performances of the cast and the great storylines some writers developed for us. I am thankful beyond words. Let’s raise a glass to this awesome, talented fandom! I’ve met and talked to dozens of you guys througout the years, and it had always been a pleasure! I hope we’ll stay in touch! <3<3<3 And last but not least: Let’s raise a glass for Kass Morgan. This is HER baby in more than just one way. Without her vision... there wouldn’t have been a show. Or even Bellarke. CANON Bellarke, that is! ;) And i LOVE it!

These are the things that stay with us, these are the things we will remember.

So, have fun with the finale tonight guys! Or should i say: Good luck? ;) I won’t watch now. I haven’t watched since 7x13, and i won’t start again tonight. Not even for the finale. BUT... i’ll probably do it some day in the future. I’m still kind of curious after all. And there are still some characters i want to know how it ends for them. It‘s just... i don’t want to support any ratings. I don’t want to support JRott anymore. But i’ll probably get back to it - if what y’all will write about it afterwards looks promising or not... ;)

See you on the other side!

(Tags under the cut)

Hugs and love to you, dear fam! Tagging @together-is-my-favourite-place @natassakar @geekyogicheese @immortalpramheda @carrieeve @bellamyblake @angelbellamy @burninghoneyatdusk @iwearplaids @wankadi @katersann @nvermindiseeyou @ruggedmurphy @clarkgriffon @poppykru @broashwhat @malclmbright @kizo2703 @cominguproses13x @clarkeindra @tenmonologues @shialablunt @sometimesrosy @zavens @wonderingwhyy @charmainediyoza @the-suns-also-rise @lee-em-dee @bellamynochillblake @junebugninja @songhyeri @underbellamy @talistheintrovert @jeanie205 @bellamys11thfreckle @doontpanic @clarkegriffinblake @goddess-clarke @eyessharpweaponshot @hostagetakerandhistraitor @infp-with-all-the-feelings @theatre-steph @historyofbellarke @as-inevitable-as-morning @bisexualbellamyblake @little-oxford-st @delicatebluebirdruins in no particular order (i am so sorry in advance, if i should’ve forgotten someone... >.<), and yes, i include you too @merlination my Danny, bc without you, i wouldn’t have started watching The 1OO in the first place... ;)

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kyluxtrashpit · 3 years

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2020 Fic Recap

I really like writing these and 2020 has been a HELL of a year, so here we go lmao. It’s been a wild ride for sure

Total wordcount: 88 109 words (note: I’m subtracting the ‘sorry I didn’t finish this, here’s a summary of the remaining plot’ that I published for a fic in a previous fandom from this since it’s not relevant here). Overall I wrote less than last year, but given all that happened in terms of the world and personally and fandom-wise and all of it, I don’t feel too bad about it lmao. I also have a lot of WIP words of half-finished things and some planning and such so I feel okay with this

Favours, 4906 words, posted Jan 4

This was a weird one cause this is a two chapter reader insert fic, the same story but told with both Phasma and Hux. I originally wrote this for Phasma, but later decided it would be easy to tweak into a Hux story (which it was lmao) and figured people might like that, so I did both. I had fun doing it, even if this is kind of a very small niche ship and trope wise

Know Your Shadow, 5022 words, posted Feb 16

Ah yes, here we are, the first foray into renben, a ship I had NO idea would grab me so hard but here we are lmao. I’m not done with them either yet, don’t you worry. There’s something about the corruption angle I really like, also Ren is HOT, and it’s also interesting to think about Kylo truly getting to find himself and be who he wants to be. Canon didn’t really satisfy on this, but the concept still interests me and it’s what had me writing this fic. Also, Ben losing his virginity to an older man like Ren is just *chef’s kiss*

Public Indecency, 3719 words, posted Mar 1

And my second renben! This was partially inspired by art and partially by just the idea of not giving one single fuck, and how thrilling that must be for someone like Ben to experience. Ren and the KOR truly do not give a shit and it’s really beautiful in a way. Plus some hinting at found family with the KOR. Ngl, Ben/Kylo finding his place and acceptance with the KOR makes me so Soft and there’s so many words I could write about it. Plus public sex is very hot lmao

Beautiful, 3254 words, posted Mar 8

Back to kylux, and this one was an old WIP I started back when the prompt was first posted on KHK in like 2019 or something. I got stuck on it and then left it for a while. I was digging through my old WIPs, looking for something that might catch my interest and boom, this one did, so I finished it and then posted it. I quite like the fic and it’s a bit more in the ~classic~ style. It’s also always a good feeling to get an old WIP done lmao

Choose Your Destiny, 5077 words, posted Mar 20

More renben and this was my fix it fic for ROKR vol 4. I talked about this more on twitter at the time and why I found the story as it was unsatisfying, but ultimately it’s really just a case of rushed writing and playing into established bad writing (e.g. showing a fall from grace by having someone kill someone eviler than themselves). I also really liked Ren and I felt like Kylo didn’t really get to have enough agency in like... any of it. His motivations were weirdly absent as well, despite this being ostensibly about him. So I wrote this, which I think handled how the story should have gone a lot better and, plus, it’s got smut!

(Okay and the rest are behind a cut for length)

Show of Devotion, 2479 words, posted Mar 28

Renben once again and this time, I mean, it’s all inappropriate use of lightsabers lmao. I was looking at the Ren and was like ‘wow that is SO phallic’ and then the horny brain turned on and, well, here we are. I also wanted a side of found family with the KOR and I think got that with this. It’s horny. It’s fun. What more could one want?

Aural, 2729 words, posted May 12

Okay this one... I have absolutely no excuses for lmao. I’m not even sure where the inspiration came from, I just remember I was in an online work meeting that was boring and the entire sequence of events played itself out in my head. It was all I could do to focus on work for the rest of the day and not immediately write this cursed creation lmao. The worst part was I’d been totally blocked on writing since March and this, THIS, was what eventually broke out of me. In case you haven’t read this one, it’s ear sex. Hux’s dick, Kylo’s ear. No, I don’t know the logistics either. But hey, I had a blast with it, both in terms of writing it and the reactions lmao. Someday I gotta write a follow up involving a nose too

Missed Chances, 10 749 words, posted Jun 7

Ah yes, this is the point where my renben met my kylux and created this absolutely enormous peanut butter cup of a fic lmao. It really was supposed to be like half the length it was, but alas, it was not. Also cockblocking kylux was SO hard, they wanted to fuck SO bad, but I had to stop them, the story demanded it lmao (and people in the comments were MAD, which is always excellent). It’s also when my renben series really started to have like, an overarching plot (aside from the modern au fics which I’ll talk about later). I even still have more instalments planned

Free Use, 6971 words, posted Jun 23

Another one that turned out far longer than initially planned, and also my most popular fic this year! I’m both surprised and not cause like. It’s a complete smut fest + my heavy headcanoning of the personalities of the KOR. People like smut, but I also feel it’s kinda niche considering how deep I’m in for the KOR lmao. So idk, I guess the smut won out. I did have a lot of fun with this one and there’s a lot of characterization thought put into each KOR, so it was really nice to see people loving that as much as I did. Canon gave us crumbs, but I just used them to make meatballs

Eat You Up, 1573 words, posted Jul 5

There’s not a lot to this one, it’s really just renben rimming cause the sexual dynamic with renben is so fun. Kylo/Ben is inexperienced yet eager and depraved enough to impress Ren, which is something considering I think of Ren as Very Experienced lmao. I really do love this ship; it’s a lot of fun to play with

In the Vents, 2002 words, posted Aug 3

Ah and this was my first piece for the stuck inside event on twitter, which I had a lot of fun with. Stuck fetish is one I’ve always wanted to explore, but never had any concrete ideas for. This event led to me finally getting to have Kylo stuck in a wall (plus more as well), which was fun. Also I spent far too long thinking about Hux’s vent contraption set up cause I knew he would never let Millie go anywhere that might hurt her, so I had to come up with a way to make the vent safe and here we are lmao. Hux being an engineer and also the most extra cat owner in existence worked out very well indeed. This was also the start of my creativity boom near the middle-end of the year that uh kinda burned out in a not so great way, but I’ll talk about that later lmao

Distraction, 3658 words, posted Aug 6

Another for the stuck inside event and another kylux/renben sandwich! Also featuring the KOR this time! Listen... it’s a gangbang, it’s got renben, it’s got kylux, it’s got Kylo getting stuffed from all ends... this is the kind of fic that, to me, is pure indulgence lmao. I had a tremendous amount of fun with it

Entrapped, 3484 words, posted Aug 8

So this was also for the stuck inside event (yes, I wrote 3 fics in about a week lmao - I don’t know how I did it either) and it’s darker than the sort of things I usually write. I enjoyed exploring something like this though, something outside my usual purview. It didn’t perform super well, but tbh the dark ones rarely do so lmao

Pit Stop, 1505 words, posted Aug 31

Welp, this is just an excuse for watersports lmao. I like piss, what can I say? And I’ve done it to kylux, so I had to do it to renben, and the modern au ‘need to pee on a road trip’ seemed like the perfect opportunity for it. Not much to say for it really

The Deal, 2431 words, posted Sep 3

Ah and this one here was the first for the throwback event I ran on twitter! The event itself ended up kind of being tainted by drama from one singular person who kind of ruined it by being a jerk for literally no good reason, but I’m not going to talk too much about that. Even with that, I still greatly enjoyed it and this piece might be my favourite from it as a whole. Kylo Amidala, political scandals, neither of them being nice... ahhhh yes, it definitely brought me back lmao

Devotion, 1929 words, posted Sep 10

Another for the throwback event, this time with Emperor and Hound dynamics which, unf, yes, I will literally never get tired of it. I really had fun with every fic from this event and this one was great because I so rarely get to write real action scenes, even if they’re in a flashback here. That and the dynamic itself really made it fun

To Be Wanted, 10 473 words, posted Sep 16

Ah yes, and here is my KBB for the year! I did a minibang this time, as, well, everything was going horribly wrong around the time of sign ups and I thought a mini would be more realistic. I think I was right on that and I’m glad I did it, even if I was torn at the time. The idea itself is one I’d been thinking about for a while. I can’t remember if I thought of it after seeing the leaks for tros or after watching the movie itself, but it’s been with me for a while and while I dithered over whether or not to sign up this year, the idea came back and was just perfect for a minibang. Plus I got an absolutely amazing and wonderful partner, which is really what makes the experience of doing bangs so great. I love this fic, I LOVE the art for it, and the whole experience was definitely a highlight to 2020 as a whole, both overall and in terms of my fandom/writing experience this year

Floss Me, 2033 words, posted Sep 21

My third for the throwback event and also the dental fetish fic I’ve wanted to write for a while now lmao but could never figure out a scenario for. As some of you may remember, 2018-2019, I went through some pretty horrific dental stuff and ultimately I think it kinda gave me a fetish lmao. Also I feel like there may or may not have been a kinky flossing prompt on one of the prompt sites at some point, but I looked everywhere and couldn’t find it so. But anyway, it was a fun fic for a kink I think is quite underrated tbh

The Cost of Certainty, 2541 words, posted Sep 25

My fourth and final piece for the throwback event, and this one is also a contender for my favourite piece from that event. I have always loved the idea of Hux being a serial killer and this was a perfect excuse to write it. I’d also recently finished a rewatch of Hannibal and, well, you can see where this came from lmao. I love writing tension and it was just very fun all around. I almost wish I’d done something like this as a long fic but tbh I don’t think I would’ve enjoyed writing it as much

Huxloween Drawings, 676 words, posted Nov 1

So this isn’t a fic but rather the drawings I did for huxloween, but people wanted them on ao3, so posted they are. Now, I mentioned above that I had this massive creative boom in Aug-Sep, but that it burned out rather badly. This is when that happened. I got into this place where I just... felt like everything I made wasn’t wanted or needed in the fandom. That everything I like is so unpopular at this point that I should just give up and leave. That I’ve spent all this time and energy over the years trying so desperately to get people engaged and so few ever cared and I just... ugh. It was bad. It was really bad and definitely partly fuelled by the bullshit that someone brought up regarding the throwback event (and I still believe that they are the sole cause of it’s poor reception). I, uh, am doing better now and still working through it all but it was a really rough time. But I found myself still wanting to be creative so I decided to draw. I am not good at drawing. I am not an artist. But that’s what made it fun: I went into each drawing knowing it wasn’t gonna look great. That wasn’t the point. So I never got upset about it. I think it helped me a lot tbh and I did really enjoy it and I’m glad I did it

Unconventional, 7243 words (in progress), updated Dec 20, first posted Nov 18

So the next part of me trying to fix the bullshit in my brain creativity-wise was to post the first chapter to this fic. This is a piece I’ve been working on since 2016-2017 (I don’t remember exactly when, but it was pre-TLJ, and I’ve gotten a new computer since so I don’t have the original creation date of the document) but I could just... never get a plot together for it and ever since I abandoned a fic in my old fandom (and this year I finally posted the ‘sorry this isn’t getting finished, here’s a closure summary’ chapter), I’ve been hesitant to post WIPs before being at least 80% done. So I said fuck it, I’m gonna post this and not be scared. Is this fic complete? Nope, but the plan is starting to come together. Do I know exactly where it’s going? Nope, but I don’t need to. Is it self-indulgent as all hell? Absolutely. I love this fic and I love this story and I love the concepts within it. So I posted it and tbh, it really helped. And I think this, combined with my writing break where I drew for 31 days straight lmao were really my saving graces here

Test Run, 3661 words, posted Dec 31

And now my final fic of the year! Which is a ship I honestly wasn’t super into (I don’t hate it, it just generally doesn’t do much for me) but then I did that thing where I thought ‘hmm but could it be written in a way that I am into?’ which, in my experience, always leads to me writing exactly that. Which is what I did here lmao. I’m pretty happy with it though and despite it being very strange to write, as I really had to work to get these two to get where they were going lmao, I had fun with it. I honestly doubt I’ll write more of them, but I’m glad I wrote this one, and I think it’s a good experiment to close out the year with

What have I learned?

Honestly, this year was a clusterfuck lmao. 2019 wasn’t great for me either, but we all lived through this and it was certainly An Experience. I think what this year really helped me focus on was what made me happy. I ended up in some dark places and I don’t want to go there again. It feels repetitive to say that, once again, I have learned that writing what I want is key when I say that every damn year, but tbh I think 2020 underscored it even more so. Spite as a motivator, when used to much, smothers the spark of creativity and the joy of creation. The most important lesson I learned this year by far is to not let that take the driver’s seat. A dash here and there? That’s fine. But as your main motivator? That’s just not healthy. And I need to work to keep it from consuming me like it has been for too long

Goals for 2021?

So last year I didn’t set any hard goals and boy, is it a good thing I didn’t, cause I achieved none of them lmao. I didn’t write more words (though I did write more individual fics, and the word count gap between this year and last is about the size of the difference between a big bang fic and a mini bang fic so really, I think I did okay), I didn’t even write a single fic for BTHB, and, to be really honest, I did not manage to keep my love for writing alive the whole time. I was in a really dark place a few times this year, but that drop in Sep-Oct was the worst from a creative standpoint. I feel like I’m mostly out of it now, even if I still have some work to do maintaining it. I’m hopeful for the future in that regard. The only thing I really did accomplish was that I feel positively towards all the fics I wrote; I’m happy and proud of all of them

So what is my goal? Honestly, I feel like every year I have to relearn the lesson of ‘write what you want, have fun, be self-indulgent, fuck expectations, etc.’ and my goal this year is to not have to relearn that again, but to keep that energy and carry it with me for the whole year. I realize I may have to put some effort in there, but I’m okay with that. I don’t know what 2021 has in store, but if I can just keep my passion alive and not fall into that pit again, I’m calling it a win

#kylux #renben #hey I'm not late this year lmao #it's been an interesting one that's for sure #anyway I'm happy with all my fics this year which is good #but I need to keep working at keeping my head in the right space #which will likely take some practice #but I'm off to a good start #and I have good feelings about the future in that regard #so here's to a 2020 full of writing about kylo getting railed to high heaven #and to a 2021 full of the same!#my fic #long post #shut up nerd

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asynca · 4 years

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anxiety!!! fuck it, truly

Hii!!! I’m premenstrual and sad. Here’s my misery, detailed below.

I’ve been writing long stories for 29 years. I’ve been a BNF in fandom because of my writing. I’ve written three books that all performed well; one of them even became a best-seller. So, you’d expect by now I’d have plenty of self-confidence about my experience and skill as a storyteller. Perhaps I would, if I didn’t also have a shitty anxiety disorder.

Because I’m fucking crazy, I actually used to think my anxiety disorder was a writing superpower. I was terrified of failure, terrified of losing even a single reader, and that used to drive me to spend 30+ hours a week writing to make sure I could update the stories I knew people wanted. That, on top of a full-time job, was fucking terrible for my mental health, relationships, and caused me to lose some joy in my writing. Still, I was grossly smug about how productive my anxiety disorder made me, until suddenly it didn’t.

I’ll spare you the details, but I had some awful experiences with dogpiling in the Overwatch fandom, and part of that experience was having people go over every single people of writing I created with a fine tooth comb for things to criticize me over. Having people combing my writing looking for evidence that I’m a Bad Person pushed me over the edge from “anxiety makes me super-productive” to “anxiety makes it impossible for me to create”.

For months, I was too scared to publish a single word. I’d open Microsoft Word, stare at the empty page—maybe even write a few lines—then I feel like nothing I create was good enough (and what if I’d written something Problematic accidentally or Potentially Problematic According to Someone Who Hates me and got dogpiled again?). Then, I’d feel like there was no point in writing anything, anyway. After all, there are plenty of excellent writers for literally every fandom and genre, no one needed my writing or my stories. Paralysed by that feeling, I’d close the Word document and then go and have a nap to get the yucky knot in my stomach go away.

Now, as I write the last book of my series, I have an additional fear: the Game of Thrones Effect. Basically that I will disappoint everyone waiting on the last book of my series by writing a piece of anti-climactic shit that destroys all the characters and doesn’t live up to my previous writing standard. I actually had to work with my psychologist on this, because I used to lie awake in bed crying over it. I couldn’t write because I was too scared nothing I produced was good enough, but yet I was terrified of not finishing the book because so many people had invested in me and believed in me. I was scared everyone was angry with me over how long it’s taking me to write this last book (and some of them have said they are!), and so I’m between a rock and a hard place, being both terrified to write something bad and disappoint people, and terrified not to write something and disappoint people by not producing anything.

I’m still struggling with it. I write 500 words per day a few days a week (and occasionally I’ll have flashes of inspiration where my muse overcomes my crippling anxiety and write several thousand), but my ‘superpower’ has become and huge fucking burden that I have an ongoing struggle with.

One of the worst things is that I have this horrible bitter envy of writers who can create freely without feeling this way—so much so I can hardly interact with them because I’m just so upset over what I feel like I’ve lost. I miss it so awfully much it’s like being a woman who desperately, desperately wants children watching the happy kids of other women play and feeling like she may never get the opportunity to have her own. It causes me to isolate myself from other writers.

So, that’s where I’m at right now.

#my wrting stuff #my writing #trigger #anxiety

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ash-etherwood · 3 years

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Top 5: writing memories, songs, characters that are not blank rune, runes, food

♡

Linda I love you but are you trying to kill me … that’s so many Top 5’s! But alright, I’ll do my best! (Answers will probably switch between German and English RIP to every non-German-speaker who follows me and wants to read this for some reason I swear I’m normal)

WRITING MEMORIES

5.) The entire time I spent finishing my first (second?) longer writing project It was the year 2012 and it was a cyberpunk story about my friends’ and my edgy self inserts riding dinosaurs, fighting aliens and being badass. The plot twist in the end was that my character was secretly evil and wanted to kill everyone. (Things to show your therapist) The final boss fight made zero sense and also everything was incredibly weird and stupid. But sometimes I still think about those times when I sat in my grandma’s living room at night, eating chips and listening to Vocaloid covers while thinking this story was the coolest shit ever. Truly simpler times.

4.) Researching something about universities in Texas for OvF on a rainy Saturday afternoon I have no idea why this memory is still sticking with me to this day (I think it was around 2016 or something?), but I remember that it was just a really nice day and I felt really at peace at that moment?

3.) The entire writing process of Bathroom Blues It was such a spontaneous project and I still have no idea how I managed to power though it in just a little under two months! Also it was just incredibly fun seeing you getting excited over new drafts and I loved coming up with new plot points and Halloween costumes for everyone with you. :-D Truly a summer worth remembering.

2.) FINALLY uploading the prologue and intro chapter of WWBL Not really a writing memory, but that moment was … so sexy and magical. Seriously, you have no idea how long I had been waiting to finally start that story, waiting for the Steckbriefe to roll in and see people react to the prologue and generally the idea … I even made one of those countdown graphic thingies for the designated upload date! 8D At that point I had planned that story for about six months and just … yeah, that felt powerful to me.

1.) Writing the prologue for WWBL When I first started the draft for that prologue I was sitting at the window in my favourite hotel in Winterberg, Sauerland, wore my dark green flannel, had the window wide open breathing in the cool mountain air and allowed myself to listen to my WWBL playlist for the very first time. God, that felt so amazing. I even have a photo of it (which somehow makes it look like I have the biggest football shoulders in the universe) my sister took that night. God I miss Sauerland. )’:

- - - - -

SONGS

My apologies to every favourite song of mine that I forgot about, I have a whole playlist of them, but I think these are some of my oldest faves … (Honorable mentions for Don’t Mess With Me and Not That Big by Temposhark, Goodbye by Apparat, Me And The Devil by Soap&Skin, Heart Heart Head by Meg Myers, Pain and Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace, Beautiful Crime by Tamer, Gravity Of Love by Enigma, In Flames by Digital Daggers [thanks Phi u_u] and Murder Cries by Snow Ghosts AHHH FUCK IT I could’ve just made a playlist,,,)

5.) Vater Unser by E Nomine Starting off with some weird shit, won’t we? I’ve been in love with this song since fifth or sixth grade, when I was just starting to develop an actual music taste and although I have many favourite songs by E Nomine, this one has to be my absolute fave. Every time I can relate it to a character it makes me love said character even more. (Also I think about it every time my mom forces me to go to church for Christmas so … yay? I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even be able to remember the Vater Unser if it wasn’t for this song. 8D)

4.) Wires by The Neighbourhood I think this is the newest all-time fave on this list, I found it in … 2015? Thank you, Youtube AMVs. Yeah man, this one is just … on so many playlists it’s not even funny anymore.

3.) Heathens by Twenty One Pilots An edgelord classic but like … it’s on EVERY playlist of mine. Every single one. It’s just so good. The first time I heard it was on the radio tho, when I was having breakfast with Jessie and I forced her to shazam it because it immediately stuck with me,,,

2.) Imaginary by Evanescence My first Evanescence song ever and the first step towards becoming who I am today I think. This song has like … such a big history for me, man. It single-handedly turned me goth in 2008 and I have never really thanked it for that.

1.) Eternal by Evanescence Might be my favourite song of all time. The number of dramatic RP scenes I have written with this in the background … man. Oh, also this song is the reason for one of my oldest internet nicknames, ‘eternala’, which subsequently shortened into Etschuh and then Tschuh, my main nickname until 2017, when I came out as trans and finally found an actual name for myself I was comfortable with!

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NON BLANK RUNE CHARACTERS

I know this was probably supposed to be about fandom characters but I can literally not come up with a single character right now that I love with a special burning passion and that is not my or one of my friends’ OCs so you’re getting OCs now. u_u And boy do I have a lot of those.

5.) Jackson Tracey from atroCITY (mine) This little piece of shit kept me company for a pretty long time and is still very close to my heart for some reason, although I haven’t drawn him or really thought about him in detail for a while now. My favourite thing is how I only realized what a horrible person he was after I stopped regularly working with him but honestly good for me. 8D His storyline and personality is kinda convoluted and tbh I’m not really sure how much of it is canon anyway (atrc was always a little weird about canon rip) but yeah. He’s an obsessive stalker piece of shit who pities himself way too much and he is also a semi-immortal demigod who likes knives. I hate him but he also helped me a lot with some gender and sexuality stuff so thanks I guess.

4.) Mayoko Imai from Century Riders DXPrototype (Maus’ and mine) Mayoko is a magical girl protagonist with a cool cyborg arm prosthetic and her main character trait was that she was basically a reverse weeaboo, a Japanese girl who was obsessed with American media, culture and comic book heroes! I actually love her concept a lot and she also had a pretty cool character arc in her story (which Maus and I wrote together and actually finished btw!), although it could use a lot more … polishing from today’s point of view. But I love her anyway. She always wanted to do the right thing and be a hero and got broken pretty cruelly and her ending is kinda bittersweet I guess? Ahh there’s just so much nuance to it … anyways, CR3 also stuck with me for a very long time and I enjoyed the time with her a lot. :3 (Her name had a cameo in Another Incident btw heehee)

3.) Tessa *insert extremely long chain of unnecessary first names here* von Lean from Nobody Is Perfect and Infernal Temptation (belongs to one of my old school friends) Tessa is just … a hand full. I love to hate her. She is badly written and developed and just OOZES mentally ill teenage girl’s idealized self-insert power fantasy, but she just … man, she was a big part of one of my most drama-filled high school friendships which I love looking back at so much. Tessa has fucked so many of my characters … good for her tbh! There are actually two versions of her, one is just a ‘normal’ teenage girl and one can shapeshift into a cheetah, but both of them are very close to my heart. I should really adopt and redesign her some day.

2.) Judy Khayat from Original vs. Final (mine) Look, I love all my OvF-characters and every single one of them is special to me in their own way, but Judy is just … the most complex of them all I think? Man, she went through so much … she is actually one of my oldest (semi)-active characters (I created her in 2009) and her latest version is from 2016 but I should really, REALLY revise her again tbh. She has a very complicated backstory that I didn’t handle as carefully as I should have, and anger issues and religious conflict and depression and PTSD and then Vance of all people becomes obsessed with her for no reason and decides to traumatize her even more … yeah. God I really love her but I seriously need to work on her. A LOT. I should also finally rename her tbh … let’s just see where she takes me next.

1.) Okami (I don’t even remember if she has a proper last name rn lol) from Split Realm (mine) Yeah, that bitch is just my favourite OC. She’s also very old, probably from around 2009, and initially was a magical girl with fire powers who I played in an RP with my friend Flauch but boy did she grow up! Holy fuck. Okami is a horrible person but I love her so much. She is so violent and full of anger and pain and sadness and treats everyone around her like shit and she is in love and she is a demon but also apparently the personification of the concept of Chaos but she just wants to be a teenager again and run away with the love of her life and ahhh it’s all so hopeless for her … also she turned out gnc af with time passing and pretty much went through a gender/sexuality crisis in real time with me, her creator, which is always fun. :^D I haven’t drawn her in a while tbh. Should really do that.

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RUNES IN BLANK RUNE

I’m just gonna go with the arcs here, okay? Also this entire answer might look completely different if you asked me again tomorrow, you know how indecisive I am with Blank Rune shit ahha,,,

5.) Jera Look. I know I’m boring and stupid. But I just love Tave and Liam having their disgusting little foreshadowing talk, okay? I can read it over and over. I just love my horrible little shit crime boys. Also Rhy and Phillip are there. (’:

4.) Isa This one is here because it was the first arc I witnessed in real time which gives it a very special place in my heart and it also … hit pretty hard at the time. But having read Fehu it’s become even better now! It’s just such a wonderful, tragic romance between two horrible, ruthless boys and I … I’m not immune to Rhy, sadly. :-/ Just like Phillip.

3.) Wunjo We still haven’t seen everything that leads up to Wunjo yet, but we DO know more than we did initially (wow shocker) and it’s just always a fucking blast. Also, it has the first mention of Ash’s real name … the first Rhy POV (which what the fuck!! I always feel like we had one before but we didn’t!! Wild) and it has crazy blood-soaked murder Tave, my beloved. :///3

2.) Eiwaz You guys have heard me fanboy about Eiwaz so many times already. Eiwaz-OT3 (and Kain) my beloved!!! It’s just SUCH an amazing starting point and there are so, so many things that tie back to it and every time we find out about a new one my heart makes a little jump … und es beginnt von Neuem indeed.

1.) Gebo One of the most painful but also the most beautiful arcs yet in my opinion. It’s been hyped up for so long and boy did it deliver. God, my heart still hurts when I think about that last scene. Also all the dialogue … the golden lines we got … and it’s an arc without Rhy! Crazy!! :-D I just love the relationship between Ash, Astrid and Jakob so much. God fuck I want what they have. Just maybe without the murder suicide,,,

- - - - -

FOOD

5.) Diese Sonntagsbrötchen wo die Verpackung so plopp macht, wenn man die Folie abzieht Better than normale Brötchen for some reason. Most of the time. See 2.) Look man, I just really love a good breakfast …

4.) Chocolate cupcakes with cream cheese topping One of the first things from a certain baking book I tried when I was getting into baking back in 2019. God they are so tasty. I don’t make them often so I don’t get used to them too much and eating them still feels special but ahhhh I love them so much!

3.) Grünkohl mit Kartoffelbrei und Mettendchen One of my favourite things about autumn/winter and one of my biggest comfort foods. God I love this shit so much. I just put … mountains of Grünkohl and Kartoffelbrei on my plate every time and I will just warm it up for four days straight until there’s no more left. It turns me into a fucking caveman. I’m not even big on eating meat but … yeah. Everything is different when there’s Grünkohl.

2.) Normales Brötchen mit Butter und Scheibenkäse aber ich bin beim Frühstücksbuffet im Hotel Oddly specific but that’s just how it is. Sorry. Nichts geht über Brötchen mit Käse.

1.) Chilli-Knoblauch-Nudelauflauf My beloved. My comfort food. I eat it literally every second day. At least one hour in the kitchen every time. Fresh ingredients. My only vegetable intake. And I’ve been doing that for three years. I just love it so much, man. I cook it for everyone who visits me. Chilli-Knoblauch-Auflauf cured my depression.

#ask #crimsondaisy #2.4k works of me talking about myself under the cut rip #thank you tho!!!

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itsclydebitches · 4 years

Text

RWBY Recaps: “Gravity”

Good lord, folks. Buckle your seat-belts because we’ve got a lot to get through this episode. I think this is my longest recap to date, so settle in.

Episode Eleven’s “Gravity” starts out simple enough, focusing on the two fights we’d set up during “Out in the Open.” First up, Ironwood vs. Watts. Overall this fight does a really excellent job of showcasing their different fighting styles. Right from the start Watts is pointing his gun forward to take a clear shot at Ironwood, whereas Ironwood points his backwards to use as a surge of momentum.

He’s going to do this frequently throughout the battle, constantly using his gun to maneuver in the air, slow falls, regain his balance, and change directions, a much more complicated series of choices than the one-off shots we see Ruby use with her sniper rifle. This is partly because Ironwood seems to have a much larger supply of bullets---some sort of energy/dust ammo---than Watts does. His steampunk-esque gun holds only nineteen bullets, requiring him to keep track throughout the fight. Which is always a fun trope but sorry, Watts, you can’t compare to the king.

Thus, with limited weaponry available to him, Watts is forced to get creative with the arena itself. We see him manipulating gravity, shooting up columns of water and fire, and making use of his own pathways between platforms, all in an effort to throw Ironwood off and catch up unawares. However, Ironwood is, frankly, the much better fighter. He was right last week to assume he could handle Watts even though he sent three off to tackle Tyrian. He’s able to recover much more quickly and learns from any mistakes, as evidenced by his ability to hit Watts dead on while in the air the second time he takes out the gravity. When they come together in hand-to-hand Ironwood easily dominates, no doubt thanks not just to his military training and huntsmen lifestyle, but also in large part to his prosthetics which I would assume grant him more speed and power. Throughout the course of the fight we see Watts consistently take more damage to his aura and he’s unable to sense when Ironwood is sneaking up on him. After that little maneuver, Watts (presumably) grows reckless and lets off his last three or four shots in a random barrage. All of them miss.

This emphasis on emotion continues when they land back onto the main stage with Watts shouting, “You never appreciated my genius, James! You just stood atop it and called yourself a giant.” Oh, did Ironwood actually do something horrendous in the past? Is there something juicy that would explain---though not excuse---Watts’ turn towards villainy? Nah. He quickly follows that up with, “You chose that fat imbecile over me!” referring to Pietro. So... nice one, Watts. Crazy arrogance, willful ignorance of Pietro’s own, clear genius (anyone who can create Penny is no slouch), as well as a bit of fat-shamming on top of it all. No sympathy from me.

This moment emphasizes how unhinged Watts is becoming though as the fight turns against him. Even when he manages to setup a head shot Ironwood reveals, “You’re smart, but you’re not the only one who can count,” referencing that Watt’s emotions got the better of him, leading to him wasting his last bullet before it could be of real use.

...except not. I’ve got to admit, I was very pleased when all of this---or at least this particular moment---was merely a plan to get Ironwood to let his guard down. Watts is way too smart a character to be done in by the “You got too emotional and that made you sloppy” trope. So kudos there (even if it remains to be seen whether that Pietro comment was really his motivation, or just another part of the plan). Instead, he uses Ironwood’s confidence in his victory to trap him with the rings that control the arena, essentially pinning Ironwood’s non-prosthetic arm through the energy shields he’s been using. We can immediately see that the parts that have touched Ironwood already have horribly burned the skin.

And that ends up being Watt’s downfall. Not stupidity on his own part, but his lack of understanding of Ironwood himself. He assumes that this truly is a trap for him, rather than another sacrifice. After all, what fool would ruin their one remaining arm to stop him? Watts himself wouldn’t. Don’t pull, he cautions Ironwood, not “unless you’re hoping to add more metal to that body of yours.” Watts goes so far as to turn his back on Ironwood who then makes the sacrifice we all knew he would. One burned, useless arm later and he’s free.

I would like everyone to keep this moment in mind. Namely the utter devastation of it. I’d go so far as to say it’s as bad at Yang losing her arm in Volume 3. Despite seeing it bandaged later, Watts at least thinks it will be a complete loss if Ironwood sacrifices it. He’ll need to “add more metal,” AKA replace his arm, so though he obviously still has it in the following scenes, we don’t know if it will ever be functional again. Just as important, Ironwood had to choose to do that to himself. That wasn’t a horrific, but ultimately clean cut done in a moment of surprise. That was a conscious decision, a slow pull through all that pain, and then having to finish your fight immediately afterward. It’s a very different kind of psychological trauma, no better or worse than having someone take your arm from you by force. Throughout this volume I’ve seen a lot of fans being critical not only of Ironwood’s main decisions, but just his overall attitude as well. Too strict, too stern, doesn’t smile enough, yells sometimes, etc. basically associating someone who isn’t all sunshine and smiles with someone who is “bad.” Ignoring for the moment that we can say the same thing about many of our group---notably Yang---I have little doubt that I’ll see similar posts after this episode. Writings in the vein of, “Ironwood is unhinged! I can’t believe he yelled and hit his desk like that!” So everyone just keep this moment in mind and ask yourself how calm you’d be if you’d sacrificed your arm like that all of half an hour ago. And then found Salem’s calling card on your desk. And then came to the realization that the allies you trusted have been lying to you from the start. And then Salem herself appears to mock you. And then your city is about to be overrun. Basic summary of the rest of the episode: holy shit. So yeah. If Yang is allowed to be angry and upset after losing her arm, or just angry in general like she is in the later half of “Gravity,” I think we owe it to Ironwood to let him be angry too. I have a lot of feelings about the utter insanity he’s been forced through with little to no support and if he wants to take all that out by hitting his desk once, by god I’d say that’s a good coping strategy given the circumstances. Both the writing and the fans tend to erase trauma once you’ve passed age 25. The girls have every right to be upset, to break, to not trust people because they’ve been through a few months of hardship, but Ozpin isn’t allowed the same after a couple thousand years of that. We’re going to see the same hypocrisy later in this episode---the group can be upset about lies but Ironwood is not---and I’m hoping (against hope) that the fandom doesn’t make that worse by sweeping this injury under the rug. It’s horrific and absolutely has a bearing on his inability to keep his cool with the group immediately afterwards. We’ve long passed Ironwood owing them endless reassurances and calm responses.

Anyway, Ironwood still manages to finish the fight because his remaining arm is his robotic one, giving him the strength to easily drag and raise Watts into the air one-handed. He dangles him over the edge of the arena, announcing that he will “sacrifice whatever it takes to stop [Salem].” A clear bit of foreshadowing for his decision at the end of the episode. Watts responds that he hopes he does.

We then move to the Tyrian fight which, on the whole, I don’t think was done quite as well. Granted, there are a lot of enjoyable and badass moments. I like that Clover’s first act is to announce that Tyrian is under arrest, maintaining the law that Atlas (and Ironwood) works to uphold. It doesn’t matter that Tyrian is a crazy serial killer in league with an immortal sorceress hell-bent on destroying the world. Even crazy serial killers have rights and are given the option of surrendering, even when everyone present knows there’s exactly zero chance of that happening. It’s the principal of the thing and the ability to say, “We gave him a chance.” In a world overrun with inequality, this is a small but important attempt to level the field. If you do something wrong you face legal action and those rights are announced to you. Same for Tyrian. Same for Team RWBY. But we’ll get to that.

For now, we see Qrow attack first and like back in Volume Four he and Tyrian are pretty evenly matched. The tide doesn’t turn until Robyn and Clover come into play. Throughout this exchange we see a lot of cool combos among the three of them. Tyrian will block an incoming arrow with his tail only for Clover to snag it with his hook. Robyn can get another arrow to perfectly bounce off the walls and then Qrow’s scythe, hitting Tyrian dead on. Clover can dive between Tyrian’s legs, giving Qrow the opening he needs to attack. It is, as said, pretty badass... almost a little too badass. Personally, I would have appreciated them messing up once or twice. They’re all professionals, yes, but Qrow and Clover have only had one fight together. Robyn, meanwhile, wasn’t even allied with them until an hour ago. This is a situation where skills shouldn’t really trump, “We’re three very distinct people who don’t know each other’s fighting styles well, trying to attack one guy in very close quarters.” There should have been some screw-ups. Especially when we take semblances into account. What, are we supposed to assume here that Clover’s semblance just conveniently overrides Qrow’s? That no mistakes---let alone anything bad---will happen in this fight despite the fact that it’s an extreme parallel to Volume Four? That whole battle emphasized, “Don’t come closer!” because when people fight near Qrow bad shit happens. Now, he fights with two other people in a narrow alleyway and there’s not a single repercussion. Based on their travels looking for the geist, I don’t buy that Qrow’s semblance is just conveniently inactive while near Clover. Even if I did... that’s not a very good writing decision. To me, it’s just more evidence that Rooster Teeth doesn’t understand its own rules/doesn’t know what to do with an ability like Qrow’s. It causes problems only when they explicitly want it to. Then, miraculously, it’s no longer in effect.

Still, we’ll acknowledge that RWBY had a lot else it wanted to accomplish in this episode, so the need to power through this fight is somewhat justified. I personally would have had the entirety of this episode be the two battles---I was shocked when both ended just eight minutes in---but I’m obviously not the one writing the show. Thus, instead of an episode devoted to both the action and the emotion of confronting our two main villains this volume, Tyrian loses his cool after getting punched in the gut, manages to catch Robyn’s arrow in his teeth...

But it’s a bomb.

Down he goes. Fight’s done.

Which leads us into the second half of the episode. I want to preface this with a short acknowledgment before we go any further.

Did these last ten minutes give me what I’ve been looking for since the beginning of Volume Six? No. It’s easy to assume it did because all the pieces are there. Ironwood is finally angry about the secret keeping. The Ace Ops are criticizing the group left and right. Surely this is the “The group is capable of making mistakes and they should be called out for it!” that I wanted, right? Not really. For the simple reason that there is a massive difference between:

A story that acknowledges mistakes as mistakes. The characters either grow from this lesson or dig in their heels and are painted as being in the wrong for that decision.

and

A story that takes what the audience (me) perceives as mistakes and frames them as justified choices. The characters do not grow because they’re 100% sure they’re in the right and those who would criticize them are painted as in the wrong.

“Gravity” is so far into that second option I don’t think the series can come back from it. Does the group face criticism? Yes, but every single time the writing insists that it’s undeserved criticism. It paints the group as the underdogs facing unfair odds, rather than equals---with all the responsibility that comes with that---facing criticism that they need to own up to. Absolutely nothing in this second half implies that the group is going to learn from their mistakes because they, and the writing, still insists that they weren’t mistakes. Which is precisely what we’ve gotten before. Cordovin might criticism them, but Cordovin is in the wrong. Winter might criticism them, but Winter is in the wrong. Every time a character goes, “Hey, you shouldn’t have done this” the group responds with, “Yes we should have!” and the story backs them up. Yes, you should have attacked Argus. Yes, you should have stolen an airship. Yes, you should have lied to Ironwood and spilled the secret to Robyn. Yes, yes, yes. That’s the takeaway every single time. The group is never in the wrong. Others just think they are and those others are painted as cruel, militaristic, unhinged characters.

It’s not at all what I was looking for. Just more of the same.

So that’s the preface. In terms of what we actually get, Ironwood returns to his office with his arm bandaged and in a sling, carrying Watts’ bag, only to drop it when he sees the queen piece on his desk. He calls Winter asking, “Was anyone caught entering the school grounds while I was away?” and when she says no Ironwood has her race off to the Winter Maiden, unknowingly leading Cinder there in the process. “Now show me where you’ve been hiding her.”

We then cut to the group where the trouble begins. They’re not just curious about why Ironwood is recalling them with Mantle still in need of evacuation, they’re actively questioning it. This is the attitude I simply don’t understand. The group acts as if Ironwood is deliberately screwing everyone over when they know better. This is no longer the beginning of the volume where they thought he was some horrific dictator hell bent on destroying his own Kingdom. This is just an hour or so after, “We should tell Ironwood!” and the happy-go-lucky ‘We trust him now’ moment. Even less time after Ruby stared up at him in awe with, “He’s doing it.” They had reason to trust him before they even made it to Atlas. They were given even more reasons in the form of Ironwood sharing his secrets, early licenses, and being allowed to work on the tower. They then still waited until Ironwood was doing everything they wanted before giving him some of that trust back... but the moment he stops doing precisely what they want---we want to keep evacuating Mantle---he’s deemed suspicious again.

I mean seriously, is the group that dense? Are they incapable of thinking to themselves, “Wow, something must have happened if Ironwood is recalling us before evacuations are complete,” which is precisely the case. The scene tries to frame it as “Group Good” and “Ace Ops Blinding Obeying Orders Bad” but that aspect doesn’t even come into play. There’s nothing blind about it. It simply takes two seconds of critical thinking skills to realize that something really awful must have happened back at the Academy that trumps what you’re doing in Mantle. This is what I mean by the writing being biased. Before we even reach the fight in Ironwood’s office it’s trying to paint him as potentially cruel, potentially suspicious, potentially abandoning his people, look how worried our heroes are about this secret decision he’s made... when all that requires ignoring some really basic deduction in order to reach those assumptions. Remember that intelligence is a plot device in RWBY. If they want Ironwood forced to spill his secrets, he’ll randomly start talking about them in front of his enemies. If they want Ironwood painted as the villain, the group will randomly be incapable of realizing that maybe, just maybe, something went wrong on the home front and you’re needed there.

Things just get so much worse from then on. The group splits with JNR going off to find Oscar and, admittedly, I was shocked we got that at all. I mean yeah, it’s setup for the final reveal at the end of the episode, but the fact that anyone remembered Oscar was missing---let alone happily went off to find him---was still a surprise. So only Team RWBY heads back to Ironwood’s office where they find him (rightfully) panicking over the queen on his desk. Weiss tries to baby him, acting like he’s freaking out over nothing, when all these characters should recall precisely what Ironwood himself points out: the last time we saw this symbol it was a message that Beacon had fallen. He’s not paranoid here. He’s entirely justified in his panic. Ironwood likewise points out that they may have been duped into bringing thousands of people into Atlas as easy targets and Vine agrees, setting up that the Ace Ops are on Team Ironwood throughout the course of this conversation. Not out of blind loyalty, but because he’s right. That is a concern. That may be the plan. We do need to try and do something about that. Team RWBY, however, isn’t convinced.

That is, until Ruby realizes that the chess piece is made of black glass. Which means Cinder left it. Normally I’d congratulate her on that deduction---it is the one smart move we see Ruby pull this whole episode---but I just hate what follows. Namely that Ruby and Ruby alone controls her team’s opinions on a situation. Again. We saw it back in the snow, then again when Blake announced in the elevator that they’d do whatever she wanted. Team RWBY is the one who blindly follows their leader, not the Ace Ops, the only exception being Blake and Yang going rogue in regards to Robyn, but we see that hive-mind mindset here again. Ironwood brings up a good point? Nothing. Ace Ops support that point with more logic? Nothing. Ruby supports it? Oh, suddenly Weiss and Blake are taking this seriously. Suddenly Yang is fired up and ready to do whatever is necessary. Ruby controls the room. It’s only when she’s on board that her teammates decide this is worth getting riled up about.

Which, as I’ve said before, is a horrible way to write a diverse group. Especially when the writing is trying to paint the Ace Ops as mindless soldiers. For all their claims that they just have to follow orders, they’re the only ones parsing through this situation and coming to their own conclusions. It’s just that their conclusions do end up aligning with Ironwood’s which is the “bad” take in this scene. Team RWBY, however, waits until their leader makes a decision and then simply rides her cloak tails. The day that Blake, Yang, or Weiss legitimately disagree with Ruby---not a token “Are you sure we should keep secrets from Ironwood? We’re not actually challenging this. Just checking in”---is the day the writing will disagree with her. AKA, no time soon.

Blake tries to give some bland reassurance about them all being with Ironwood to which he responds, “Are you with me? How did Robyn know about the global communications tower?” Thank you! Thank you for giving us Ironwood’s characterization back and acknowledging that he has no reason to buy their generic ‘Got your back’ statements when everything they’ve done this volume has proven otherwise. They don’t support Ironwood, only themselves and their own teams. The minute he does something they don’t like he’s chucked under the bus. Too bad the writing doesn’t acknowledge any of this and instead continually paints the group as being justified in their decisions. It’s that hypocrisy again. When the group yells at Ozpin for keeping secrets we’re supposed to be on their side. When the Ace Ops yell at the group for keeping secrets we’re... still supposed to be on their side.

Weiss tries to diffuse the situation with “None of this matters right now!” which is real rich when they were just complaining about Ironwood not telling them why they were called back. They get to worry over that, but Ironwood isn’t allowed to worry about them outright betraying him? “Loyalty always matters!” he shouts back and he’s right. Why should Ironwood trust them to have his back in this crucial moment when they’ve never had it before? I’m already seeing more of this hypocrisy among the fandom. When Ozpin kept secrets and told lies the group was given a whole volume to be pissed about that and fans still, to this very day, insist that it hasn’t been enough time for them to get over it, to regain even a portion of that trust. But now that Ironwood has been lied to and betrayed in the same manner? People are annoyed that he’s not just shrugging it off. How dare you not get over in thirty seconds what our heroes got weeks to work through. His inability to just suck it up, as it were, is used to make him seem irrational here. I don’t see anyone, characters or fans alike, acknowledging that his anger is as righteous as the group’s was out in the snow. That there is the disconnect.

Of course, something has to break the tension. Drawn by all the fury and fear, a grimm pops out of Watts’ bag. A fail-safe for if he was defeated and captured. Salem immediately takes control of the grimm and kills it, using its form to appear before them. She reveals that it doesn’t matter that her men were captured. They were just there to “set the stage,” which they’ve done. Still doesn’t explain the random Penny side plot to my mind (seriously, why did the story bother to resurrect her when she has done nothing plot-wise or emotionally?), but whatever. Much more importantly, the stage is set for Salem herself. She’s approaching with the grimm army we saw her amassing which is... iffy.

First off, why? Why after a thousand years has she suddenly changed her MO from keeping to the sidelines to a full-on attack? Again, what’s the catalyst for that massive change? We don’t know. Meanwhile, from a writing perspective, I’m hesitant about having our Big Bad thrown into the mix before the finale. We know there are plenty of volumes left in this series, which automatically undermines any battle they might have with Salem. Will they win?? Of course not! Because RWBY isn’t over yet. Granted, this could all just be a ruse of some sort. Maybe Salem just wants them to think she’s approaching with an army, which would be much more up her alley in terms of long-distance manipulation. But if not... seriously, what’s the point of that?

Here’s hoping it’s a bluff.

Speaking of manipulation, we get a fantastically creepy moment where Salem tells Ironwood to “simply accept the futility of your situation” while smiling like a kind mother. That’s the Salem who is truly dangerous. Ironwood reaffirms that he won’t give up the relics and Ruby pips up with, “We don’t have to kill you to stop you.”

Hey wait. I’m gonna give you all another graphic.

This is Ozpin’s stance! This is his plan! His version of hope! We spent all of Volume Six having the cast beat on him for, “Omg Salem is immortal?!” and with the exception of Nora’s comment, no discussion of this in Volume Seven... but now suddenly Ruby is making this announcement? The group came to this revelation sometime off screen which we a) don’t get to see and b) once again created no scenario in the form of, “Wow! Ozpin was right all along! Maybe we should go talk to him...”

I’m just... wow. The number of times the writing takes what the group and the adults do, the exact same perspectives and decisions, and twists it so that the group comes out looking like heroes and the adults look like misguided, unhinged fools who need to be put in their place... I’m really over it at this point. And by extension the group themselves. Their characterizations have been so badly mangled at this point I legitimately don’t like them as people. I don’t care if they say they want to protect Mantle, or if they say they’ll support Ironwood, or if they say they’re unsure about their choices. All their actions claim otherwise.

Rather than grappling with the huge revelation that the group is apparently no longer obsessed with Salem’s immortality (or rather that Ruby isn’t. The rest of the group doesn’t actually matter. As established, they sync up with her beliefs the second she announces them), we return to Summer Rose. Salem goes, “Your mother said those words to me” and Ruby... loses it? What? I would have been 100% on board with this if we’d gotten it last Volume because then we saw Ruby losing her cool periodically. The smashed alcohol bottles. Chucking her scroll. Screaming at Qrow. That was all building to something. But then we had a year and roughly twelve episodes of normality. Ruby jumps into her fight with Cordovin and has been fine ever since. Hell, she’s been bubbly and confident, goofing off with Penny in one episode, then giving strong orders to her team in another. The one time we see her falter was in her conversation with Qrow and he reassured her completely that she was both doing the right thing and in no way comparable to Ozpin. Now, suddenly, one line from Salem and Ruby collapses? Full on incapacitated? I could buy the crying while still standing strong, I could buy a collapse if we’d kept her characterization going from Volume Six, but this kind of reaction in this context just felt so extreme. Doesn’t help that I really wasn’t sold on the voice acting here. Those cries sound less like devastated sobs and more like weird hiccups. Not to rag on Lindsay. On the whole I think she does a really excellent job as Ruby, it’s just this particular moment didn’t read right to me. I didn’t feel Ruby’s supposed grief here.

So that was... a lot for one line from Salem in a volume of otherwise confident and cool-headed Ruby. We also don’t see it amounting to anything, as per usual with RWBY’s writing. Ruby isn’t out of commission for the rest of the conversation or anything. She pops right back up after a second in Yang’s lap, just as confident and go-getting as before. There was no lead up to this and there are no consequences for the breakdown. Rooster Teeth honestly seems to think they can just chuck random things into the story---Ruby needs to show emotion at some point!---and then just leave it at that, entirely disconnected from everything else around it. Would we have known that Ruby just had her first breakdown of the series a minute later while once again betraying Ironwood? Nope.

Finally, this scene shows us again that the Argus battle was a bunch of nonsense. Ruby’s eyes nearly activate when she’s grieving for her mother, imagining---or perhaps seeing via Salem?---a sad Summer, not a smiling one. Just like her eyes activated while seeing Pyrrha die. Just like they activated when Blake was nearly killed by the Apathy. They activate now while thinking about her mother’s death. The montage of happy moments in lieu of the sad ones not working last volume was entirely out of place.

Salem finally leaves. Now everyone is panicking about this army. Elm points out that they’ll know if anything approaches. Vine checks and realizes that Watts took out their perimeter. Either that or Salem has already destroyed everyone and everything out there. It’s impossible to know. During all this Blake asks if the Amity tower is actually finished and we get more nonsense about how Ironwood is evil for telling a lie, but the group is always justified in telling theirs. The writing really tried to compare Ironwood telling Mantle---who I guarantee 100% does not care about whether a communications tower is finished while they’re getting attacked by grimm---a lie to lure out one of their biggest threats to Blake and Yang going behind Ironwood’s back to tell a potentially non-trustworthy outlaw about said tower, risking that the information would fall into the wrong hands and doom the project before it could be completed either way. Those are not in any way comparable situations, yet the writing really has Weiss going, “General Ironwood?” in a ‘How could you betray us like that?’ tone while Yang continues to look pissed.

And as if they didn’t know! How is this a personal betrayal? They were all helping to build that tower. Surely they’d know it it was that close to being done. Again, critical thinking skills, people. Anyone with two brain cells and their insider information should have looked at Ironwood’s announcement and gone, “Oh, that must be a bluff. Just a few days ago we were arguing about whether to continue taking resources from Mantle. No way is Amity ready. He’s going after Watts. Who is indeed the much bigger threat. Considering that he has control over the entirety of our technology and there’s literally no downside to telling Mantle about a finished tower when they’re getting devoured by grimm.” This is another, “But lying is wrong!” in the face of “But lying kept us alive...?”

Does everyone get what I’m saying here? How RWBY takes these situations and tries to paint them in an absolutely ridiculous light, expecting the audience to blindly accept this perspective despite everything else they’ve seen for themselves? Like, two episodes ago? I swear I’ve never encountered writing that treats its audience this badly. Scene after scene relies heavily on the viewer having no ability to think for themselves. Just accept that Ironwood is a horrible person for lying about the tower even though there are no repercussions for that and we JUST watched him defeating Watts as a result. Like, five minutes ago. That just happened. In this episode.

Ironwood then drops the bomb that Winter has gone off to claim the Maiden power. Interesting development. I wonder what that means exactly. Is she just going to lock herself away until the Maiden dies naturally? Do they have her on some sort of life support and is there an agreement to pull the plug if necessary? Are they going to use a machine similar to the one Pyrrha was in and try to force the change early? Or is this just a misleading comment and Winter is merely off to protect the Maiden, no intention of taking the power now? Who knows. We’ll have to wait until next episode to find out.

Ironwood likewise announces that the staff and the lamp need to be locked away now that they’re compromised, even though they’ve been compromised since they first saw Tyrian in Mantle. Insert another [this scenario is so stupid and contrived] explanation here. It’s made worse by Ruby’s childish “You said we could keep it.” Excuse me? What, did you think the lamp was your personal property now forever and always? Is Ruby really sitting there arguing that something Ironwood told her weeks ago trumps the obvious logic of putting the relic where it’s somewhere safe? That’s the characterization we’re going for, a leader who cares more about, ‘But you said we could have it!’ over the fate of the world? What even is this? The fact that Ironwood has to explain to them that the situation has changed just reinforces the group’s overall attitude. That is, one of arrogance and importance. They literally need to be told why putting the relic in a nearly impenetrable vault is better than letting them have it just because they want it. Plus, you know, they lied about the lamp from the start. So there’s that too.

Finally, Ironwood reveals that Amity was originally a plan of Ozpin’s but he didn’t push it far enough. Instead, he intends to use the staff to lift all of Atlas instead, hopefully taking two relics and a Maiden far out of Salem’s reach. Ruby wants to use the tower for its designed purpose instead, which is only a valid option in her mind because the writing was stupid last week. If there had actually been any logic there---if people had been allowed to react naturally and in a variety of ways to the Salem announcement, rather than a super convenient “Yeah! Let’s all work together!” across an entire, panicking city---she wouldn’t be quite so eager to tell the whole world. But we all know at this point that logic bends to the protagonists’ whims, so Ruby wants that same perfect ending across all of Remnant. She stands her ground, as does her team. Obviously.

Meanwhile, the Ace Ops aren’t just following Ironwood’s orders like the writing wants us to think via Harriet’s earlier comment. Rather, they’re each thinking through the situation for themselves and making very good points. If Salem has taken out our perimeter than we know our tech and people don’t stand a chance against this army. We just finished up the fight in Mantle and none of us are in a position to start another. Notably, Harriet brings this up, the one whose aura took a massive hit while nearly getting crushed underfoot. Vine points out that sometimes you have to lose a battle to win the war, but Team RWBY, to be blunt, simply doesn’t care.

I’ll be blunt myself here too: I don’t have an easy solution to this particular scenario. I don’t know what the “right” or the “wrong” choice is. Weighing starting a fight with VERY high stakes you’ll lose against abandoning the people of Mantle is just a straight up horrific decision. Like so much of what Ozpin faced, there is no clear-cut, good answer here. Do you stand by the people and risk the world, or work to save the world and doom the people? I don’t know and I do commend Rooster Teeth for writing a difficult choice... just not in giving each side the weight it deserves. Because as said, we’re meant to root for Team RWBY, always. Theirs is presented as the “right” choice every time, despite the fact that, as established, this is far from a black and white decision.

What frustrates me the most is when faced with all of these logical and very important considerations (we might not have backup, we’re in no position to fight, if Salem gets the relics and another Maiden the world is screwed) the group won’t even acknowledge these things. They’re so set in their own perspective they won’t even give these HUGE concerns the time of day. Rather, Yang shoots back, “You can’t just back down from a fight!”

That’s it. That’s the group’s problem in a single line.

This is what got Pyrrha killed.

It’s something the group should remember. She also insisted on fighting when she should have retreated and, since this was back during the days when characters actually faced consequences for their actions, it cost Pyrrha her life. Granted, going after Cinder was a truly useless endeavor. Pyrrha achieved nothing with her sacrifice. Here, Team RWBY hopes to save the people of Mantle, adding a clear justification for their insistence on fighting... but this is nevertheless indicative of that larger “punch it until it stops moving” mindset. It’s not that they decide to fight instead of retreating that’s the problem, it’s that to their mind fighting is the only option. Ever. This is what led to them attacking Cordovin and destroying Argus’ mech, drawing a massive grimm in the process. When faced with the option of backing down, Team RWBY doesn’t consider that an option at all. Which is heroic when up against an actual enemy, far less so when you’re facing an ally and the choice to fight has serious repercussions attached to it. Hell, the group doesn’t even consider compromises. They could have easily acknowledged that collecting the relics, the Maiden, and getting the staff to work on Atlas will take time. You do that while we focus on evacuating the rest of Mantle to the city. But no, even the concept of a compromise simply isn’t possible. You just always fight. Straight up. Anyone who suggests anything less isn’t a true huntsmen. “We’re loyal to the people!” Ruby shouts, as if “the people” doesn’t also include the rest of the world that Ironwood is trying to save and that they’re endangering by keeping the relics and Maiden within Salem’s reach.

That is one messed up perspective to tout in a story infused with the complex and the morally gray.

The real kicker though? Ruby’s ‘My way or the highway’ attitude obliterates a solution that fell straight into her lap. Jaune calls and says straight out that they have another situation. If Ruby had listened to her teammate for just three seconds they all would have learned about Oscar, thereby undermining Ironwood’s plan. He can’t keep the lamp safe if he doesn’t know where it is. You look for it while, again, we evacuate Mantle. Then we take everything out of Salem’s reach. Win-win. Instead, Ruby blasts her way through the situation. Literally, dodging Ironwood and hiding behind his desk shouting a highly bias version of his plan in the hopes of getting everyone on her side. And it works.

Because those like Clover don’t get to hear any of that context. Like how the perimeter is gone, there’s an army potentially coming, no one is in a position to fight, we’ve already lost a relic... they just here a Ruby’s version of events that paints Ironwood as the callous man Robyn thought he was---oh my god he’s abandoning Mantle for no good reason!---and people will react accordingly. Ruby likewise doesn’t care that shouting such information over all channels does things like, say, clue Tyrian into their plan. She just wants to do things her way, right now. Pausing to think (because thinking isn’t fighting) simply doesn’t happen.

I used to adore Ruby as a hero. Someone who was intrinsically good, hopeful, and wickedly clever in her ability to come out on top. Now she’s stubborn, arrogant, at times cruel, and charges in headfirst like her sister, refusing to consider any perspective other than her own. And her team endlessly supports that. The writing endlessly supports that. This isn’t our hero working through her flaws, but rather a flawed character that the writing refuses to acknowledge is flawed. When Ruby flies behind Ironwood’s desk the music rises triumphantly, just like it did when she attacked Cordovin’s mech. When Ironwood announces that they’re under arrest, Ruby spits back, “We won’t just let you take us” and we’re supposed to cheer.

Which brings us back to the question of whether the group really faced consequences here. Let me give you all a random, non-RWBY example of two scenes. Scenario One:

Parent: You punched her?

Teen: She insulted me!

Parent: I understand that, but that doesn’t mean you were justified in attacking her.

Teen: Oh, I was.

Parent: Maybe you were, maybe you weren’t, but you can’t solve all your problems that way.

Teen: I... I know that, okay. Back off. I just get so angry...

Parent: I know. We’re going to work on that. You’re grounded this weekend. We can discuss this more then.

Teen: [sighs] Fine.

vs. Scenario Two:

Parent: You punched her?

Teen: She insulted me!

Parent: I understand that, but that doesn’t mean you were justified in attacking her.

Teen: Oh, I was.

Parent: Maybe you were, maybe you weren’t, but you can’t solve all your problems that way.

Teen: Screw you! It worked didn’t it? I think a good punch goes a long way.

Parent: That’s not... okay look. You’re grounded this weekend so---

Teen: Like hell I am. [Proceeds to run off]

Teen: [Later to friend] ---and then she tried to ground me? Can you believe that?

Friend: Holy shit what an asshole.

If we put aside my own iffy dialogue for the moment, Scenario One acknowledges the complexity of the situation while likewise pointing out that the teen didn’t handle herself well. RWBY has achieved that here: the ethics of this scenario are acknowledged as complicated, but the group did things they shouldn’t have, as evidence by Ironwood’s anger and the Ace Ops’ criticism. However, Scenario One goes on to let the teen acknowledge that mistake, thereby validating it in the first place. A consequence is set, grounding, and they accept that, thereby further validating that their behavior needs work. They accept the consequence because both they and the writing acknowledge that the consequence is deserved. It takes what was previously two subjective stances---they say I’m wrong, I say I’m right---and encourages the audience to find the middle ground. Neither was totally wrong or right. The teen might be justified in some respects, but still made mistakes in others. She needs to improve.

RWBY, however, steers firmly into Scenario Two wherein the teen (Team RWBY) insists points blank that they never made mistakes in the first place, thereby encouraging the audience to question whether Ironwood and the Ace Ops (the parent) is right to be calling them out at all. We see no humility or guilt, only confidence. Ruby shouting “No!” at Cordovin when she’s told to surrender. Yang keeping silent after admitting that she and Blake told Robyn, not bothering to apologize or admit that this might have been a breech of trust. They challenge the validity of the claim that mistakes were made and by virtue of being protagonists encourage the audience to challenge it too. Finally, we see them reject the consequence because they will not admit that it’s deserved. The teen will not accept a grounding. Ruby: “We won’t just let you take us.” We’re then told by others that this rejection was warranted. The friend reinforces the view that the teen was right to run because that punishment is undeserved. The message is, “You never did anything wrong in the first place.” The plot of RWBY likewise reinforces the view that resisting Cordovin’s arrest was right by having her randomly let the group go. The consequence is replaced with a reward and, presumably, we’ll have a similar situation wherein the group either defeats the Ace Ops or is released by them. The consequences never take hold because the writing doesn’t think there should be consequences in the first place. Team RWBY isn’t going to be arrested here. They’re certainly not acknowledging that on some level they deserve to be. We didn’t see that humility while they were cuffed on the airship---that most basic acknowledgement of, “Did we make some mistakes? Could we have done something better? Is Ironwood right to be this mad?”---and there’s none of it now here, either. The tone is pure, “How dare you try and arrest us? We’re the good guys here!”

This remains as pro-protagonist as it has been the last two volumes. There are no consequences, only another hurdle for the group to overcome, painted as heroes for doing so. It’s Team RWBY vs. The Ace Ops and there’s no confusion about who we’re supposed to be rooting for. The Ace Ops because the group should rightly be stopped from hindering Ironwood’s attempts to keep the relics and a Maiden out of Salem’s hands, for their own lies and secret keeping that endangered them all this volume? Nope. It’s Team RWBY as the presumed heroes, facing off against soldiers who (supposedly) prioritize orders over what’s “right.”

And yeah, Oscar is gone. There are a number of dismantled robots and blaster fire in the room where Neo presumably took him. So unless they do a flashback we don’t get to see if/how Ozpin reacted to this initial attack. I hope they do provide a flashback because otherwise that’s another crucial scene of Oscar’s that happened off screen...

Can’t wait to see what else we’ll end up with next week! Until then, 💜

#rwby #rwby volume 7 #rwby volume 7 spoilers #rwby recaps #mymetas

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orionsangel86 · 4 years

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You know when I first joined Twitter I had many reservations. I had always heard that Twitter fandom was pretty toxic and for that reason I tried to avoid it as long as possible. Eventually with Tumblr slowly dying I just went for it. I was... pretty damn naive when I joined up.

I have always said, over and over again, that my main reason for even being in fandom was to meet new people and make new friendships that would outlast Supernatural. At this point in time I feel I have accomplished this, though I am always open to making new friends. I like to think, that this being my primary reason for being here, it makes me a genuine person. I am not altogether that interested in popularity, getting the most followers, making my opinion the one everyone MUST believe in, and I never had much interest in “fighting” antis first hand. Sure I liked writing meta and would defend myself if I was attacked, but seeking out drama and forcing my opinion on others were never things that I cared about.

Twitter changed me. I said I was naive, and I was particularly naive to people seeking me out, being super nice to me, inviting me into lots of various fandom GCs and welcoming me with open arms. When people do that, you feel loved, you feel like you are a part of something, and very quickly it can become addictive. You very easily start feeling like those people are your friends, and you get protective of them. You support them, stand up for them, and turn a blind eye when their behaviour gives you pause.

The other thing you should know about me is that I am an empath. Sometimes this is a strength, and sometimes it is a weakness. I hate the idea of upsetting people, and I feel strongly towards those who are upset. I always try to see different points of view in a situation, and I am very consciencous of offending people - When I have offended others, I tend to dwell on it for a long time afterwards, wanting to make things right. But I also think that being empathic can make me prone to manipulation. Especially of the emotional kind. When that happens I can get defensive myself, when I suspect emotional manipulation I shut down very quickly, and I can get spiteful towards it. It’s a defense mechanism. I often regret my actions later. I feel like Twitter fandom has brought out some of my nastier qualities, but I feel that I need to explain where I think this has come from.

I was invited into a GC that in hindsight, was a bad place. It was supposedly a place created to vent about things that upset us, and to keep an eye on that “other” side of fandom - the bronlys. It was a secret place, you must never talk about this GC, I was told. This GC didn’t exist. I’m going to talk about this GC, and in doing so will probably get attacked, subtweeted, called out directly, called a liar, exposed for being this that and whatever, probably have my private DMs shared, and yeah... a whole bunch of shit probably. I’m altogether not prepared for any of that, but since I have that whole bunch blocked now, I’m hoping any shit they say about me will blow over. Anyone who truly knows me, knows I am not the person they make me out to be anyway.

When I first joined that GC the point was to call out hate towards the cast and the writers. To find tagged tweets and bullying and harassment and make sure that the wider fandom knew exactly who the problem people were. I believed in that process. I believed that we were doing good for the fandom in making newer fans aware of who needed to be avoided, as I had heard stories first hand of people who had come into fandom reached out to bigger fandom accounts and immediately been shut down and bullied just for saying they liked Castiel or shipped Dean and Cas. I was angry at those hateful people and wanted some kind of justice for them, so yeah, I joined in happily with the call outs.

But over the past year, things have changed. First, it was not just calling out bronlies, it was calling out extreme stans, who also tagged the writers in their hate. Sure, I wasn’t happy that anyone was tagging the writers in hate, so fuck those people. They can go to hell. I’ll support the calling out of those names too. Then, when people started turning on meta writers like me and taking the piss out of our meta, calling it bullshit and mocking us, it was hurtful, so when that GC rallied together to support me and my fellow meta writers and call out those assholes I was all for it. They were screencapping my meta and calling me deluded after all, why shouldn’t I defend myself and get my friends to help? People in fandom can be dicks when they want to be. But then again, so can we all.

Then it got weird. I think people in fandom started getting nervous about the final season announcement and how the show would end. Cas stans started getting extremely negative about his chances for survival. Destiel shippers started complaining about Destiel being queerbaiting and planning on going after the writers if it didn’t go canon. These were people who I was mutuals with, whose accounts I followed, and whose opinions, whilst they were kind of upsetting for me as a positive fan, were untagged personal opinions and not hate. Those people weren’t attacking positive fans, though sometimes discussions got heated, arguably it got heated on both sides. When the GC started going after those people I started feeling uncomfortable. But I kept quiet. This, I have come to realise, was a huge mistake.

Suddenly other fans were fighting against the GC people. They (we) were called “the fandom police” and “the bully squad” by so many others. I started noticing how other fans, fellow Destiel shippers, were blocking me and avoiding me for my associations with this group. I watched as the GC people started slagging off accounts that were my long time mutuals, my close friends, people I had met in real life and knew to be good people all because they had voiced a slightly negative opinion about the show. If you are relatively well known in Supernatural fandom, chances are this GC has slagged you off.

At the same time, I had watched how some of my friends within the GC “clique” had started changing, how their behaviour online was becoming aggressive and mean. How they were antagonistic and bullyish. My friends. People who I knew were good people before. The dog piling, the condescending tones, the entitled sense of righteousness, it all added up. I started trying to voice my concerns, both to people I was close to within the GC privately, and timidly within the GC itself - for which I was shut down. I started reconsidering my own behaviour online. Had I too acted like this? Had I also aggressively gone after people for simply voicing a negative opinion? Had I also shown myself to be exactly what this GC was supposed to be fighting against?

Some of the others privately admitted to feeling the same way. Some of us backed off and stopped associating with the main GC accounts. We kept our distance from them, some I know muted them. But none of us left the GC. I wish I had back then rather than letting it escalate further.

It had once again got worse from just going after people with negative opinions, now they were going after anyone who disagreed with their specific opinions. Either you agree with us, or you are an idiot. I couldn’t stomach it anymore. My friend, who was also in the GC, decided to query this new line of thinking because she disagreed with the “big opinion”. This is what kicked off all the drama. I’m not going to go into detail about it because otherwise it’ll get too obvious and personal and I want to keep this vague because whilst these people have hurt me and spread lies about me I actually don’t intend to call them out personally or reveal whose who in the group.

Just know this. By the time I eventually spoke up it was apparantly too late. My admittence of my discomfort was seen as a betrayal. There were private DMs in which I got defensive and snapped back whilst emotional about basically losing all my closest Twitter friends, and some messages I sent which I am not proud of. If they get out, fair enough. Judge me all you like. Just understand that I was extremely upset and confused how no one else apparantly saw the issues I was seeing; that this GC was indeed bullying and policing fandom, and that these people were intimidating, threatening, and manipulating everyone into believing they were victims.

I tried to let it drop, I tried to ignore it. I wanted to keep quiet. But my quitting the GC, my request to those who were calmer and less inclined towards bad behaviour to at least keep the ones who were bullying fandom in line, didn’t stop them. Their behaviour has only escalated further and Twitter fandom right now is an awful place because of it. The bronlys must be laughing at us, because Destiel fandom has turned cannabalistic.

I spoke out recently. I tried to keep it vague in a tweet about the recent drama in general. But one thing I said gets pulled out separately and suddenly I’m the big bad wolf invalidating people and I’m a horrible person who is clearly fetishising destiel as I want them to fuck on the map table apparantly?!?! I mean, this is what these people do. They take something and blow it up. They twist your words, they basically throw a dictionary of large complex words at you claiming you are x,y,and z. they use terms like gaslighting and strawmanning aimed at you and in the confusion it takes you forever to actually realise that they are doing those things themselves. Constantly. To everyone.

Look I took it too far. I subtweeted too. I exhibited those bad behaviours as well. Hell, I learned from the best after all. I was in that GC for a year. Of course I am still trying to unlearn those behaviours. I am not proud of my behaviour on Twitter. After this post, I will try to do be better. Everyday. I will be better. I apologise to anyone I may have hurt by supporting and encouraging that behaviour.

I have had mutual friends tell me privately that I need to stop. What upsets me, is that those mutuals aren’t exactly telling the others to stop too. No. Those were the mutuals who stayed quiet whilst those particular people just constantly attacked and bullied everyone. So I’m sorry, but this is me not stopping, this is me making one last post on the topic. This is me telling my story as I see it. This is me pouring my heart out and getting it off my chest. This is my truth. I’m not spinning lies here, I’m not trying to twist anything, because I think I also come across quite badly. But the recent accusations against me, claiming I don’t care for anyone else in fandom, that my calling out “so called bullying” is just my personal vendetta against people who used to be my friends. Well, yes. Technically you’d be right there, they did used to be my friends, but no. Where you are wrong, is saying I don’t care. Because if I didn’t care about the bullying that I am STILL seeing on my timeline via upset mutuals reacting to the hurtful tweets of those I have blocked, I would just ignore it and not cause myself further drama. If I didn’t 100% believe those people were bullies, they’d still be my friends. I wouldn’t have called them out. Why would I put myself through all this if I didn’t 100% believe what I’ve been saying? That’s just madness.

Because here’s the thing, I HATE bullies. I have been bullied my whole fucking life, and what I hate MORE than that, was that through that GC I also became something that I hated. Because by associating with them for that year, I might as well have called myself a bully too. And that I just can’t forgive.

So my reason for writing this post is twofold.

1. Yes, it’s to defend the lies spread against me. So that those wondering if I am actually a fake bitch with a vendetta against certain people can make up their own minds. Perhaps this post exasperates that, or in your minds confirms their accusations about me. Maybe it does. I would argue that I am not fake. This isn’t fake. This is my personal truth and a very personal account of things that have greatly hurt me and caused me much internal conflict over the past few months. Those people who I am accusing (whose names I have left out to stupidly protect their privacy because believe it or not I’m not a bitch who encourages harassment against anyone even people I consider bullies) will never admit that their behaviour is wrong. They will continue to attempt to convince anyone who asks that I turned on them for no reason, or because I blindly follow my friend who they are also attacking and exposing right now for getting emotional and taking a DM convo too far. If you choose to believe them that is your right, clearly you and I were never close enough for you to trust my word over the words of people whose behaviour is clearly and proudly splashed all over their own social media accounts. Frankly, if you see all that, and still believe that behaviour is okay, you are no friend of mine.

2. It’s because I want people to know that actually, through all the pain and drama and emotion and loss of friendship, and conflict and struggle with my mental health, I do care. I care too damn much. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have spent an hour of my Sunday writing this out. Because this has been toiling and whirling inside me painfully for months and I am fed up of it. I had to write it down. I had to get it out of me. I want these people out of my life for good, but I can’t sit by and let bullies continue to manipulate my fandom, my mutuals, my friends who I see encouraged by their behaviour to imitate it. They are unfortunately very good at encouraging others to also partake in their behaviour. Please do not fall for it. Please consider your tone when tweeting or replying to someone with an opposing opinion. Please don’t feed bad behaviour by liking it and tweeting it just because you agree with the specific opinion buried within the condescension. Please don’t throw around strong accusations like homophobia against your fellow queer fans just because they have different desires from this dumb show that we all love.

If you can all do that for me, then I will promise to do it for you too.

I am terrified to post this post. I know that in doing so I am burning quite a few bridges. I know that those I accuse will do everything in their power to make out that I am insane, that I am a psycho. I know that I am exposing myself to more attacks, more harassment. I am sure there will be plenty of twitter threads dragging my name through the mud. They’ll dismiss all of this, call it bullshit, once again claim its just my personal vendetta against certain people. I guess I’m hoping that by anticipating all this and writing it down, it might give those people pause to just stop and leave me be. Stop the cycle of bad behaviour that has caused all this escalation and go back to enjoying the show without policing everyone else.

At this point I just want everyone to know the truth. Whether you believe it or not is your prerogative. This show ends in a few months time and I just want to enjoy it without seeing bullying in my timeline. That’s what this has always been about.

We must stand up to bullying. We must not let it ruin the final few months of this show. This post is my final word on the topic. I won’t respond to anything else. I won’t respond to any threats, any subtweets against me going forward. Hateful anons will be blocked. I won’t respond to anyone asking me for more info and I have no intention of naming people personally or giving more clues as to the GC or the people who were in it. So please don’t ask. Just keep an eye out for bad behaviour in fandom and if you see it, block or mute the source, only call it out if you know you have the mental capabilities to tackle the gaslighting. But absolutely do not support it. Do not feed the bullies as attention is what they want most of all, that and making their words the only words fandom follows.

I am done with this now. I won’t discuss this more.

#personal #fandom wank

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lavender-lotion · 3 years

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3, 4, 16 (DON'T say cherik), 22, 28

oh my god i absolutely hate you for asking me these aha you’re my favourite person in the entire world

3. What is the best fandom you’ve ever been involved in?

to date, it’s been X-Men (alt timeline movies, ofc) despite the rocky beginning I had. in this fandom I’ve learned so much about my own writing, and my writing style has grown SO greatly since I first joined and has taken shape into... well whatever the hell it is now, which is something I really like (most of the time)!

I fairly quickly created a small, tight circle of people I really enjoy being around in this fandom, and have since cultivated my own little fandom space that I really, really enjoy. it’s filled with people I love chatting with, people as open-minded as accepting as I am, and it’s a place that I strive to make feel welcoming for all who join, as well! I run an 18+ X-Men Alternative Timeline Movies focused discord, so if you’re interested, join us here!

I am trying to branch back out into The Fandom a little more after feeling a type of way for some time, and I’m honestly enjoying that a lot too! it’s been interesting to follow some more folk, and I’m really happy to see my dash start to thicken up after being close to barren for so long.

currently, I have a small group of close friends I care a great deal for (hi, Mid!) that has absolutely made this fandom into one of the best i’ve been involved in.

4. Do you regret getting involved in any fandoms?

very very very simplified and slightly unture answer: no. every single bad experience has taught me something that I’ve carried into my other fandom experiences, just like life lmao, but for more of a meaty answer to this question: yes.

so much yes.

I have SO MUCH regret around teen wolf, actually, for so many different reasons, but I’ve also learned SO much. seeing a server ran in a way I Did Not Like has helped me better mod my own fandom spaces, and I am very anti-totalitarianism and am VERY against showing abject favouritism to specific members, while I also always try incredibly hard to ensure no one feels ignored. I was reminded of how finicky friendships are, and learned not to be the person who puts in the sole work to keep ‘em going (and how to recognize if I am) because... when you stop the friendship might stop, too. I learned NOT to hit on close friends, no matter how much I might want to, and I learned the importance of open, clear and precise communication in romantic endeavours, which was actually a very good life lesson because I’d never been in a situation that could teach me it before. I’ve learned, or, am LEARNING, not to let personal experiences with one-on-one relationships taint my view of a fandom—this one is hard, and is something I am trying very, very hard to work through as I’ve recently been hit with a very strong and very sudden wave of inspiration for teen wolf.

but like, with that all said, I still absolutely LOVE the teen wolf fandom and have had so many amazing amazing amazing experiences that I wouldn’t change for all the bad, and that the bad experiences are really localized to the ship-focused spaces I was in and the personal relationships that I had, NOT with the fandom as a whole which I am slowly dipping my toes back into! I learned so much about myself and my writing during my time in the fandom, and that is another thing I absolutely wouldn’t change for the world. I am over the moon that I’m writing here again, honestly, and the reception I’ve gotten has been SO insanely amazing.

starker is another one I regret-but-don’t-totally-regret-because-I-learned-shit. starker taught me the importance of 18+ fan spaces, and showed me what can happen when people... aren’t careful. when mods are minors themselves. I learned that cross-generational nsfw spaces are a RED flag, and that they mean GET OUT, and that anyone who would willingly allow minors and adults to mingle over explicit content are people I Do Not Want To Be Around. I learned a lot about myself there on an interpersonal scale, and I found out a lot about my sexuality and kink preferences, too (which was a wild time). while I do very much enjoy the lessons I learned from being in the space I was in, I could do without some of the more negative things I witnessed, even if they taught me a lot.

16. Are their any popular ships in your fandom which you dislike?

SINCE I CAN’T SAY CHERIK I’m going to have to dig a little deeper and talk about Sterek, lmao. I was really, really, really into Sterek starting around... 2014? I read... fuck tons. absolutely insane amounts of Sterek fic. and I wanna say... around 2015? maybe? there was a really popular trope in Sterek, wherein Derek would push Stiles away (by being mean, by pretending to date one of the Pack (usually Erica), by bullying him, by telling him the pack didn’t want him, etc, etc) so that he could... keep Stiles safe? it almost always went the same way. there is a threat no one told Stiles about, Derek did “what he had to do” to keep Stiles safe (i.e cutting him off from all his friends and massive, obvious crush) and then when Stiles got hurt, the pack would come to his rescue and save him (only after Stiles got a little beat up), and then Derek would care for him, or not leave his side, or check up on him, and Stiles would wonder why he cared after everything that had happened and... bam. Derek would admit his undying love. And Stiles would just like forgive him and they’d get together and be happily ever after as a pack and...

that was so damaging lmao??? I can’t even tell you how many fics fitting into this trope that I read, to the point where I was like... “wow Derek loves Stiles so much he’s such an amazing person for keeping him safe by pushing him away and making him feel isolated and alone and hated” BUT LIKE WHAT. WHAT. that’s horrible??? so so so horrible??? I am so fucking thankful it isn’t something I really saw too much of when I came back around to the fandom around 2017, but.... oh boy. for a ship that I considered an OTP and read like the entire tag of, I have VERY few sterek fics of substance (when compared to the rest of my teen wolf writing) and this is the reason why.

this trope and it’s absolutely ludicrous popularity a few years ago really, really turned me off the ship.

22. Is there anything you regret writing?

content-wise: no. very, very easy no. I don’t regret any of the pairings or kinks I’ve written & I don’t think I ever will (I’m very anti-shame, lmao. if you like it, flaunt it).

but... I do regret some of the emotional labour I’ve put into works? the emotional attachment I have with certain fics, or genres, or pairings, and how I’ve tied them to a specific person or persons. like, I can’t write ageplay anymore, because of how strong the association of ageplay is to someone I cared for deeply and no longer have in my life (and even if I ever manage to write it in general, I’ll never be able to write Steter ageplay). I have 13k of a fic that was supposed to be a surprise gift to a close friend that I hadn’t heard from in... ages, to the point where I gave up on sending the occasional monthly-message. I have one thing I wrote for a dear friend (who never interacted with it) and now I can’t help but feel like the story is awful, despite not doing horrifically stat-wise.

I write because I love it. I write for people I care about, because writing is a labour of love, and it’s a way I can show them how much I care for them, but... sometimes that bites me in the ass, I guess.

I’m working on it, lol.

28. If someone were to draw a piece of fanart for your story, which story would it be and what would the picture be of?

god okay there is NOTHING better than the idea of this. I’ve had a few mood boards made for me here and there, which are always SO loved and cherished and massively appreciated down to my BONES, but I don’t know if I’ve... ever really gotten fan art? I had someone make some really, really cool like... OG bit-moji type art of a couple of my fics, which is amazing and I have it on my phone still, and @hd-hale once drew me a GORGEOUS sheriff stilinski inspired by Daddies’R’Us, but to get FAN ART i would CRY lmao

right now, I think something from to love and be loved by you would feel really, really extra special because even at 6/17 chapters posted, it’s my longest work ever. what would it be a picture of?? hell if i fucking know but probably something that hasn’t happened yet, lmao

#wow this got really long im sorry #these are just my personal experiences and i've had LOTS of them #im a very emotional person can you tell?#can you also tell im not over some stuff lmao #im working on that too #listen i'm working on a LOT right now #i can't believe mid asked me THIS series of questions thinking this wouldn't happen #why did i write a fucking NOVEL #about lav #writing meme #ask meme #writer meme #midrashic #lav answers

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makeste · 4 years

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BnHA Chapter 254: Who the Hell Is Bucky

Previously on BnHA: All Might welcomed 1-A back after the new year with a pun he’s probably been working on for the entire winter break, the poor man. Aizawa received a call :’) and drove down to Tartarus with Mic to meet up with Naomasa and Gran Torino. Nao and Gran were all “so you’ll NEVER GUESS, but we found out that Kurogiri’s quirk is apparently a FAKE QUIRK which was created from a bunch of other quirks -- AND GUESS WHICH ONE WAS THE ORIGINAL QUIRK?” and Aizawa was all (ಠ ∩ಠ), and Mic put a hand on his shoulder, and Nao was all “YEAH YOU DID GUESS, IT’S YOUR OLD DEAD PAL SHIRAKUMO, FROM CHAPTERS 59 THROUGH 65 OF VIGILANTES!” And okay, so (1) OH MY GOD, and (2) I originally thought this meant that Kurogiri is straight up a zombie!Shirakumo, but others pointed out that he might be some random other dude who just has Kumo’s quirk, among others. And like, okay. SO WHAT IS THE TRUTH.

Today on BnHA: Y’ALL HE REALLY IS A ZOMBIE!KUMO, AND NAOMASA AND GRAN BROUGHT AIZAWA AND MIC TO TALK TO HIM AND TRY TO RESTORE HIS MEMORIES SOMEHOW. Aizawa is all “this isn’t some fantasy world with happy endings, this is THE REAL WORLD WHERE MIRACLES DON’T HAPPEN!” but Gran is all “sometimes they do!” and Aizawa is like “!!” and so they sit down to chat with Kumo. Aizawa launches into a passionate speech about how great Kumo was and how he pulled him along and inspired him, and how he (Aizawa) is strict with his students now and -- get this -- FAKE-EXPELS THEM IN ORDER TO PUT THE FEAR OF GOD INTO THEM JUST ONCE LMAO, BUT IT’S BECAUSE HE CARES, and because he wants them to be great heroes and not hapless redshirts who get killed offscreen. And by the end of it he’s crying and imploring Shirakumo -- “if you’re still in there somewhere” -- to become heroes with him and Mic just like they always wanted. All of it is exactly as emotionally devastating as you would figure, btw.

you guys I have been playing hopscotch on my dash since yesterday trying to avoid spoilers about the popularity poll until I actually had time to write down my reactions! all I know is that of course Bakugou is #1 again, because this fandom always comes through lol. my other predictions are that the rest of the trio will receive lots of love again as well, and Hawks will once again be high on the list, and Aizawa too because of the Vigilantes flashbacks (at least HE BETTER), and probably the villains will get a big boost as well after their arc, Tomura in particular. and Endeavor might break the top 10 again too with the newest arc, although I can’t quite remember whether or not the poll was still going on by the time that started (ETA: actually I don’t think it was). but yeah. anyway so there’s a real possibility that most of the kids will actually be shut out of the top ranks because of these GROWN-UPS and VILLAINS stealing all their glory, smh. your time will come, kids

“more than anyone, you were a hero” oh is this chapter going to play with my feelings yet again. is this just going to happen every fucking week now. okay

HELL YEAH MY BOYS ON THE COVER

@unboundednamelessfuture, to answer your ask about whether I’m planning on watching Heroes Rising, the answer is a resounding YES, POSSIBLY EVEN MULTIPLE TIMES IN THEATERS IF I CAN SWING IT, because I’m pretty sure it’s actually just going to be All My Dreams Come True: The Movie. and yes I have seen some spoilers for it, although I’m not clear on whether or not they’re actual spoilers or just rumors. so because of that I won’t post my thoughts just yet, except to say that if it is true, see above re: All My Dreams Come True: The Movie, and also add a bunch more exclamation points at the end of the title omfg

anyway so my sons are famous now. they’re in Hollywood. good for them

AND NOW THE POLLLLLLLL YES

oh shit, I heard about “Deku & Bakugou Rising”, but is that out this week?? shit I’ll have to do a separate post if that’s the case. I’m assuming it’s more of a bonus chapter than an actual spinoff, kind of like the All Might chapter we got for the last movie. either way, to say I’m hyped would be a massive understatement, needless to say

(ETA: okay so I’ve seen Korean scanlations of this -- which I didn’t look at closely because spoilers -- but no English scans yet. so stay tuned!)

so I was wrong about the kids being shooed out of the top 10! I have never been so pleased to be wrong! so we have Kacchan at #1 (I love his face so much. ghlkhf), Deku at #2 (he beat Shouto this year! good for you!!), Shouto at #3 (wouldn’t be surprised if he and Deku were neck and neck again though), Kirishima at #4 (we stan one bright ray of sunshine), Iida at #5 (YOU DESERVE IT SO MUCH SWEETHEART. I’M SO GLAD FANDOM ISN’T SLEEPING ON THE ACTUAL BEST CHARACTER IN THE SERIES), Tomura at #6 (DID YOU NOT GET THE MEMO ABOUT WEARING A NUMBER ON YOUR OUTFIT? MAKING ME FIGURE IT OUT FROM THE PROCESS OF ELIMINATION IS A REAL BASTARD MOVE. THEY SHOULD HAVE PUT YOU AT #8 TO MATCH YOUR CURRENT NUMBER OF FINGERS YOU STUPID SEXY JERK), Aizawa at #7 (THANK YOU FANDOM, YOU’VE REDEEMED YOURSELVES FROM LAST YEAR), Ochako at #8 (I LOVE YOUUUU), Toga at #9 (LADIES!!!!!!), and Momo at #10 (YES GIRRRRRL)

I think this is the strongest showing of ladies yet in the top ten (ETA: actually no, the second poll was slightly better) and I’m all about it. also can they all please keep these costume upgrades because YES. I don’t care if Horikoshi would get sick of drawing them. THAT’S WHAT ASSISTANTS ARE FOR. KATSUKI HAS A FUCKING BULLET BANDOLIER, COME ON, YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS JUST A ONE TIME THING YOU ASSCLOWNS, THIS IS FOR THE PEOPLE

lol here’s the abridged version of the Shirakumo flashbacks, I guess. everyone was saying last week how Vigilantes was now required reading, and like, I get that everyone’s excited about the crossover, but they still have to make this comprehensible for people who only read the main series. I’m guessing we’ll get the short version here, but Vigilantes gets to provide the more in-depth story for people who want to know more about everything, which is more or less what Vigilantes’s role has been in general

anyway so here’s Kumo doing his usual Naruto impression and cheerfully dooming himself by being ceaselessly optimistic and tempting fate’s sense of irony

you sure can! just so long as that crisis doesn’t involve big, heavy rocks, or gravity. I’m sorry kiddo

“‘let’s all form an agency together.’ it happened just after he said those words.” well there you have it, the BnHA equivalent of “one week left till my retirement.” hero training should really include a mandatory course titled Death Flags: The Silent Killers. there are children’s lives at stake here

lol yeah this really is abridged

“once upon a time we all wanted to be heroes and then Shirakumo got crushed by some rocks the end.” yeah, so maybe not quite the full emotional impact of the original lol

OH SHIT SON

so it is his reanimated corpse, then! which means the potential for him somehow dramatically regaining his memories is very high. since this is a shounen manga, I’m gonna go ahead and put it at... 100%. is that too low

guys I don’t know what to do when Present Mic is making faces like this

when even the Comic Relief Guy is getting all traumatized and serious, you know it’s bad. sob who will I turn to now for comfort. Horikoshi’s really just gonna go full dark no stars here and leave me just stumbling around lost

OH IF IT ISN’T THE ORIGINAL PIECE OF SHIT HIMSELF!!

yeah it makes perfect sense actually, you bastard. you steal the bodies from the crematorium and then give the families fake ashes or something. holy shit you really will not stop until you find the lowest possible level to stoop to, and then grab a fucking shovel and start digging so as to GO DOWN EVEN LOWER. just. god everything about this is just so wrong

oh btw, now seems like a good time to bring up this ask I got last week!

anon you blew my mind, just so you know. you’re absolutely right. so that’s one mystery down! though the way that this is going, I’m not so sure I’m gonna like any of the other answers that the Noumu arc is gonna provide us sob

holy shit look at this fucking simile

dead children = leftovers. sure why not. just in case we all forgot how evil he is

and also, YEAH BUDDY THAT’S WHAT I JUST FUCKING SAID, PLEASE KEEP UP. and who even knows how many other times AFO has done this. I hope they’ve started investigating crematoriums, then. I’m just waiting for them to make some connection that leads to them finally finding out about Ujiko, but that might take a while still

(ETA: although if they actually can get Kumo to talk...)

and did he really just solemnly call Mic “DJ” because omfg. Gran, are you the comic relief. do you even know. are you even aware

oh hey look another dagger to my heart

ouch. that was cold. and... not necessarily true, though, is it? because he was kind enough to Tomura. idk, I know my villain mom has done some horrible things, but you’ll be hard pressed to get me to think of him as all bad, even so. he was the one keeping Tomura from going FULLASS MURDER MODE!! for a long time

HEY WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF COP-OUT IS THIS

well then WHY DID YOU EVEN BRING THEM IN HERE! DID THEY NOT SEEM TRAUMATIZED ENOUGH TO YOU?? “well idk they seem pretty shaken up already, but just to make sure they grasp the full repugnant horror of the situation why don’t we make them visit him face to face.” OKAY THEN YOU SADISTS

son of a bitch and speaking of twisting the knife, Horikoshi keeps showing us these increasingly wrecked glimpses of Aizawa lowkey falling apart and I can’t

at this point the shadows under his eyes have their own shadows. and god dude, I know you’re rational, but it’s really hard to watch you just outright dismiss any and all possibilities of hope just like that :(

what the fuck Gran

so you really are the one in this scene who’s trying to lift everyone’s spirits now. well all right then, just what are you alluding to

OH SNAP

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD NOUMU BACKSTORY AT LAST! jesus christ, do Nao and Gran just know everything already, and they’ve just been keeping it all to themselves for the hell of it?? how long before they casually swing by U.A. and are all “oh and by the way, the traitor is...”

ANOTHER AIZAWA FACE BUT THIS ONE IS SOFT OH GOD!!

HEY WHAT’S UP I’M GONNA CRY. SOMEONE TURN ON SOME SAD MUSIC. AND I WON’T GO, AND I WON’T SLEEP, AND I CAN’T BREATHE, UNTIL YOU’RE RESTING HERE WITH ME

AND I WON’T LEAVE, I CAN’T HIDE, I CANNOT BEEEEEEEE

hey Nao. you know what really would have helped with getting him to talk. NOT KNOCKING HIM UNCONSCIOUS. ??? move over do you need someone else to do your job for you or

-- OH THEY’RE TALKING TO HIM NOW LMAO OKAY

“go ahead and do your thing guys. don’t be afraid to make it real gay”

this would be even more dramatic if Kurogiri actually had a face. but even so... OH I AM WHAT I AM. I’LL DO WHAT I WANT. BUT IIIIIIII CAN’T HIIIIDE

oh my fucking god Aizawa is all “but what about his family?” and Naomasa is literally “if you two are unsuccessful, then...” like straight up acknowledging that the three of them were so fucking gay in high school that their odds of getting through to Kumogiri are stronger than that of his OWN FUCKING FAMILY. wow

chin up my sexy man. you got this

OH SHIT AHHHHHHH

LDSKFHL EASY THERE CHAMP, THAT’S TOO MUCH SEX TO BE CONTAINED IN A SINGLE PANEL, PLEASE TRY AND DO ME A FAVOR AND FUCKING HOLD IT TOGETHER HERE FOR THE KIDS WHO ARE READING THIS!! [frantically googles ‘can a shounen manga get you pregnant’]

so Aizawa is all “I’ll be damned if I let his family hear this sickening story” and like, I’m sure he means that in a “they don’t deserve that pain” kind of noble and principled way, but if it were my child I sure would want to know regardless. and aren’t they going to find out either way?? either you do get through to him, in which case obviously you would want the family to know “HEY, GOOD NEWS!”, or you don’t manage it and Nao has to call them anyway as we just established. but you go ahead and get all fired up then, Shouta

now there’s a panel of him staring at Kumo and Kumo is just a big shapeless blob of black smoke just sitting there lol. don’t tell me he’s still unconscious?!

thank you

anyway so Aizawa, did you know that while you were off being an underground hero, Kumo was studying at Oxford to get his medical degree while bartending on nights and weekends to make ends meet. the two of you have so much to catch up about

Mic’s thinking that even with Aizawa using his quirk, the fog isn’t dissipating, so it means Kumo’s body is now made up of fog. well but then what about the metal neck thingy! huh??

and Mic’s opening his big mouth to complain that Kurogiri is far too polite and classically educated to really be their old pal, but before he can finish, Kumo is interrupting to ask about his son!!

he’s. uh. I guess you could call it “well”? maybe a little too well [marge simpson noises]

well Mic is clearly back to being the comic relief here. but Aizawa is keenly spotting those mom instincts that have remained in Kumo to this day!

yes Aizawa the core of your friend is still in there deep down!

OH MY GOD

LMAOOOO. “EMO PUNK... WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT BEFORE -- !!” [AUDIBLY GASPS AND LOOKS DIRECTLY AT AIZAWA]

oh my lord. like, I don’t think this is actually meant to be funny, but just the fact that he immediately associates “emo” with AIZAWA FUCKING SHOUTA so strongly that it makes him go (•̪ o •̪) all knowingly has me fucking deceased right now good grief

so Kumo says he doesn’t resent his mission at all. some people like looking after emo punks, Mic. you should know

AND NOW MY FEELINGS ARE BEING TOYED WITH AGAIN!! JUST STRAIGHT UP OUT IN THE OPEN!! THIS ISN’T FAIR

heh. don’t mind me I’m just looking for some sort of emotional support to cling to here for my breakdown that’s about to happen about 0.2 seconds after Aizawa starts crying, if he indeed starts to cry. which it looks like he might. oh god I’m not ready for this at all. my hatches are not even remotely battened; my shutters are just gonna go flying right the fuck off

by the way what the fuck is up with the chairs at Tartarus. why do they look like swiss cheese

hmm, Nao and Torino are all “no reaction”, but to me it looks like there clearly is a reaction, though? he can’t even look Aizawa in the eye all of a sudden. it’s clearly getting to him. Nao seriously, do you need someone else to do your job

oh Aizawa

(ETA: Kumo really first-named Aizawa two seconds after meeting him. this man knows how to adopt his introverts.)

okay but Present Mic in a summer uniform is the most punchable version yet, SORRY I JUST HAD TO SAY IT I’M SORRY MIC I LOVE YOU. it was just gonna come bursting up out of me if I didn’t

anyway so Aizawa is gaying it up just as promised

him using his quirk is definitely making the scene more intense, but I’m not really sure why he actually is using it, since we’ve established it’s not having any effect. unless he’s trying to possibly undo some of the brainwashing somehow??

(ETA: so it occurred to me that just because his quirk isn’t dissolving Kumo’s mist body doesn’t mean that it’s not having an effect on his warp abilities. this way they can interrogate him without fear of him trying to use it and them having to knock him out again.)

so Kumo’s continuing to try and play it off all smooth while Aizawa unleashes the full force of fifteen years of pent up grief and trauma!

starting to think Aizawa never did go to therapy after that whole thing. typical U.A. “so you saw your best friend die suddenly and violently right before your eyes and subsequently suppressed it and hallucinated his voice talking to you to avoid facing that reality, huh? eh, you’ll be fine”

oh no a close-up of Aizawa that doesn’t show his face completely. this kind of thing never ends well

BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT THEM TO END UP LIKE YOU [sobs forever]

wait are we really going to talk about this?? omg

wait what. so do you mean to tell me he expelled them but then continued to guide them afterwards so they would have long, happy and healthy careers but more importantly would be safe omfg I’m not fucking ready for this shit

we’re cutting to U.A.’s class 2-A! Aizawa’s former class? does that mean he literally expelled EVERY SINGLE ONE of his students last year omg

so then. does every single standout characteristic of the Aizawa we know and love stem from his tragic past and his relationship with this boy then, or what? meanwhile the feelings continue to torrentially lash against my house while I huddle in the basement

I can’t fucking believe we’re actually getting a legit reveal about the “Aizawa expels all his students” gag holy shit

re-enroll!? what?? and “expel” in quotation marks?!?

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS -- HE DID IT JUST TO SCARE THEM!? AND THEN WHAT, WERE THEY PICKED UP AFTERWARD BY THE OTHER HERO CLASSES INSTEAD? SO HE TEACHES THEM A POTENTIALLY LIFE-SAVING LESSON AND THEN GETS TO LAZE AROUND THE REST OF THE YEAR, LOL WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. THIS MAN IS A GENIUS

(ETA: and by this logic, Deku really ought to have been expelled half a dozen times by now. don’t ever try and tell me that this man doesn’t play favorites.)

so Aizawa is taking his goggles off and saying that he’s strict with his students because he wants them to live long, fulfilling lives

OH NO

SOMEHOW HORIKOSHI MADE KURO’S FACE LOOK SOFT?! I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW, IS THERE ANYTHING HE CAN’T DO

AHHHHH

OH NO HE DID IT AHHHH THE TEARS, FUCK. WELL MY HOUSE IS FUCKING DESTROYED, I’M CLIMBING UP TO THE ROOF TO AWAIT RESCUE

wow. anyways that really did get gay as fuck at the end, didn’t it. given the meaning that those goggles have to Aizawa, can this be taken as a form of marriage proposal? no? well I’m taking it that way anyway, so. congratulations you two. I’m off to go sob into a pillow now

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bigskydreaming · 4 years

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Why does nobody talk about Tim being sexist in Robin and literally kicking Steph in the stomach in Red Robin? I see so many Ohh but this One thing a poc Robin did that majes them the Worst of the Worst but for him it's silence? I really don't like the fandom's biases, it's very blatantly elitist and racist, willful ignorance isn't easy to hide.

Yeah, I mean, tbh the reason I don’t mention stuff like that is just like....at the end of the day, ALL the issues that are ever raised about these characters essentially just come from writer bias.....they’re inserted into the narrative or a characterization by canon writers who just flat out don’t even realize that what they’re depicting is gross fucking behavior. So its like, never there because it HAS to be, y’know? These characters don’t HAVE to be portrayed these ways. And that’s pretty much WHY I focus so much on the fandom side of things - because none of us have any influence on canon writers and where or when they insert these things into the narrative or fail to recognize the problem....but when it comes to fandom, there is really no excuse for why that stuff can’t be pointed out and acknowledged for the problem that it is.

And for my part, like, I’m just so focused on pointing out where the fandom narrative has become extremely skewed in regards to Dick because....it really is just all the double standards and hypocrisy that bug me, you know? I honestly do not need Dick to be everyone’s favorite character, or hailed as the best Robin, or anything, I just like....want people to stop writing him as this petty resentful asshole just because they think oh we need to give him flaws to make him more real when like, I honestly can not for the life of me think of another character I ever hear people saying “we need to GIVE him flaws to make him more real” y’know?

The guy has existed for 80 years, he’s got enough material to be REAL, you’re not giving him flaws or overemphasizing his flaws because he’s just two dimensional without them, like, there’s just no material to write him as a well-rounded character without that....you’re just doing it because you WANT to. Like, that’s all it comes down to, its that simple, but so many people just flat out refuse to own that.....and IMO, it so often is BECAUSE of how quickly we tend to default to using comparisons as our basis for judging how ‘good’ or not a character is, if that makes sense?

So like, for me, I don’t focus on talking about Tim’s flaws or Jason’s flaws beyond the obvious references like “it drives me batshit how people can view Jason TRYING TO KILL TIM as something Tim more easily can forgive than like....Dick giving the mantle he himself created to Damian in an effort to....keep Bruce’s last son from running back to Murderville, Population Him.”

And that’s purely because.....they’re just not my focus characters, and I don’t really feel a need to go into them in depth the same way I do with Dick, and like....at the end of the day.....pointing out things they do that are worse, don’t actually do anything to improve Dick’s standing, you know? Like, to me, it shouldn’t be about oh Dick is a good character because he’s a better person than Tim, see, he’s never done anything like THAT (cites this or this or that)....that’s just not that productive to me, and more importantly, its one of those there but for the grace of God things, you know? With every character who hasn’t ever done something another character has, its usually just....honestly a matter of luck that they never got saddled with a writer who thought “oh this character doing this horrible thing to that one is a brilliant idea, lol,” quoth a dumbfuck who wouldn’t know good characterization if it kicked him in the face.

Again like, I’ll make a big deal about blatant double standards, like....I rant endlessly about making Dick punch Jason or Tim in fic or having Jason or Tim or Bruce punch Dick in fics without it being seen as a big deal, because.....Dick’s been punched in canon by all those characters without it being seen as a big deal and never done the same in return, so that’s a HUGE, glaring double standard where its like “why do so many of you think its cool to paint the one guy who actually RECEIVES this kind of treatment like...flipped entirely around to be the perpetrator”....like, that I’ll never stop being pissed about because its like....a direct one to one comparison, y’know? Its two almost parallel examples of mostly the same situation, so its pretty clear cut when people are regarding one as ‘nothing to be upset about’ and the other as ‘we must write him doing this all the time and never fail to crucify him for it in the comments as though like, this is just who he is.”

And with things like times Bruce has been abusive in canon, I don’t overlook or ignore those and focus on them a lot because like....they happened, I’m not focused on them as a way to make Bruce look bad, I’m focused on them because they HAPPENED, period, and I want to explore that for personal reasons that relate to why I project onto Dick Grayson so much.

But beyond that, when it reaches the point of like.....’people shouldn’t claim Dick is terrible for doing stuff like this, when Tim is over HERE doing stuff like THIS”......that’s when I kinda bow out and circle back around to focusing on more direct comparisons, you know? Because those just feel more productive. At the end of the day ‘good’ and ‘bad’ are pretty subjective (I mean, obviously not talking about the difference between hey this character is genocidal and this character is not), and given how interpretative comics are in general, and how many writers most characters go through....like, ultimately there’s just no real ‘ground’ to be gained by arguing that certain characters are ‘just as bad’ or ‘even worse’ than others, IMO. If that makes sense?

So since I’m not really just...trying to yell just for the sake of yelling and I really do want at least some people to kinda....hopefully end up more aware of stuff like “hey yeah, it IS weird that we’re always talking about Dick’s temper tantrums when its usually everyone AROUND him that’s breaking shit when they’re mad”....aka, that thing where the EXACT SPECIFIC thing held against Dick is actually way more commonly perpetrated by characters nobody blinks twice at for doing that stuff......like, that’s kinda where I start and stop my focus. Specific, done in one examples that are directly comparable to an equivalent thing in another characters’ narratives or trends in how they’re perceived or treated by fandom.

The wider net, while I don’t fault others for being annoyed that fandom so completely glosses over pretty sizable displays of poor behavior in certain other characters, like.....its just not for me, personally.

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everythingoesnk · 5 years

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I love you, John

summary; in the fandom we say brian’s the 5th beatle. well now he’s the 6th bc in this you’re a member of the band. basically you’re in love with john but he’s dating yoko and............. it’s all a disaster

word count; 2 966

warnings; angst at its finest. i’m sorry if u find it trashy but i tried and that’s what counts

********

There was no way you could face this feeling. It damaged your mental health to the point of insufferable anxiety.

Nobody knew about those episodes.

Was it something that you enjoyed, seeing front row how your friendship shattered to useless fragments? Did you look like you didn’t care about how he distanced himself more each time without looking back? Like nothing or no one else mattered? Of course not.

He was alien to the fact he wasn’t the only one suffering.

At least this was the reason you found that made the most sense to his coldness and passively behaviour towards everyone. Or the justification you wanted to believe, refusing to accept that reality was that he didn’t mind everything falling apart.

The tortuous thought that John wanted to see it all reduced to ashes crossed your mind every once in a while.

Paul sighed loudly when he didn’t get any answer from you after calling multiple times. He randomly pounded several piano keys at once, creating a frightening awful sound, then dragged himself to his feet and anxiously left the room.

None of that made you tore your eyes away from John, though.

He was talking to Yoko, who was sitting on the floor beside him, nodding her head as she followed with her gaze what he was pointing at in the music sheet. Occasionally she’d interrupt him to opine. When that happened he would shut up and listen.

John was very polite when asking for thoughts, always open to new ideas and constantly seeking people's opinions on his work.

Ringo’s eyes were glued on you, George noticed, and he knew the drummer was thinking the same exact thing he was. Ringo nodded in his direction and left to find something to eat: you’d been rehearsing for three hours and he hadn't had breakfast in the morning.

"We're all getting used to it"

Outwardly speaking, George's nonchalant-wannabe words had no apparent reaction in you. On the inside, they crushed your soul deeper into misery.

You hummed an ‘approving’ sound to dodge the pressure of having to form a proper sentence.

Concentration back again on tuning the knobs of the guitar, George put his aside on the floor and watched you closely. Then sighed and pressed his lips together.

"Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?”

"The ticking"

Pokerfaced, you stopped your actions to sneak a look at him.

"What ticking?” you asked grimly.

"Yours," he replied, pointing a finger at you. “You’re about to explode”

“We have a comedian in the building, how appropriate” you proclaimed nodding your head at him mockingly.

He grinned and dropped his gaze to the floor before speaking to you again.

“Come with me,” he said, getting up, “I’m craving a smoke”

“I’ll join in a moment. I want to finish writing down a couple of things first”

"Oh yeah?" George wasn’t convinced at all.

He removed a strand of hair from his face. In vain ‘cause it returned shortly to the same place where he’d shoved it away from.

“Yes"

George stared at you, hands on the hips.

Sunk in your seat, you glanced at him too without blinking.

"I’m inspired," you added, one last attempt to make him believe you.

You could try. You could try giving that song you’d been working on a new chance.

"Okay," he nodded, lowering the guard, and kissed your forehead, "you know where to find me"

"Sure, Geo"

You smiled and rapidly shot him a big grin, thumbs held up as well, when he turned around to take a good last look at you before closing the door behind his back.

As soon as he was nowhere around, your smile was found gone.

It was only you, John and Yoko now.

It must have been the tenth time that, desperately, you ran your hands through your hair.

Perhaps the problem was you. And you were just exaggerating everything.

But did she have to stick her nose in something that had nothing to do with her?

You didn’t mind her discussing the songs. But never in a million years could you believe she had the ovaries to criticize them. To criticize your work. Paul’s work, George’s and Richie’s work.

Never John’s, though. It must be said to add a little more context to you losing it.

You weren't nosy, but she didn't try to be inconspicuous either.

That bitch’d been talking shit about what she referred to as ‘Ringo’s lame thing’, claiming that Octopus’s Garden was kind of embarrassing and that it didn’t deserve to be on a Beatles record. She didn’t even bother asking about the meaning behind it, the ignorant cretin.

You bit your tongue until you just couldn't anymore.

"God," you exhaled.

Yoko heard your sigh but said nothing about it, bowing her head. She wished John’d do the same, but deep down she knew he’d have something to say.

And of course, he did.

"What's up?" he asked lifting an eyebrow, eyes jumping from you to Yoko and back.

"One gets tired of listening to bullshit" you warranted in a singsong voice, not looking up from the paper and without interrupting your writing.

It took a few seconds for you to get a response.

"Nothing she said was bullshit," John defended, hinting that her opinion was as valid as anyones.

You understood his words differently.

"Rich’s mad excited about it and it’s a great song,” you hurried to argue, this time meeting his stare, “the number of hours and dedication he's putting into it is inhuman. You should know that”

A little –huge— bit of your protective side towards Ringo was showing, but you didn’t care. Octopus’s Garden was beautiful and you’d die defending so if necessary.

"I didn't mean—"

“Are you sure?” you interrupted, turning your body in his direction, leaning in before spitting the poison out, “because lately she seems to speak for you. Whatever Yoko says, there you are giving your approval”

John stood still for at least a minute, momentarily speechless.

Yoko approached him to tell him to forget it and leave before things got uglier.

When you called the conversation off after he hadn’t spoken a word, trying to handle what you just so hostilely reprimanded, you went back to your thing, conscious that you were too unstable and broken to even pick the pencil up again.

Sure you didn’t want him to know you weren’t as strong as you wanted to appear to be, but you had to close your eyes for a moment and exhale after he moved to stand next to you.

He didn’t know the power he had on you. It’d take a snap of his fingers to ruin you for eternity.

“You’ve to fix your shit and get over it,” John grunted, fed up with the constant attacks that Yoko directly and indirectly received. It all got too much to handle.

You laughed in his face.

“Fix my shit? How, John, when the shit’s in the same room?”

John paused again, shocked.

His eyes languidly turned cold and hard.

Could you maybe have gone a step too far? There was no denying. Were you regretful? Not at all. Did your heart, constricted in your breast painfully hindering your catch of air, speed up its pace at the look John was giving you, scared about what he was going to say next? Absolutely.

"What the fuck’s wrong with you? I've had enough of the continuous offences to my wife! Now this?!” he snapped, yelling.

You avoided by all means raising your voice since it’s pretty much known that doing so does not make you any more right. The tone was something you could take control over, unfortunately, it was way more difficult to hide how it trembled.

“If I started to say what I was fed up with we’d never finish the album. And we have to, right, John? The sooner the better,” you challenged in a cold-blooded boost of courage, knowing you were entering a difficult and muddy territory.

The bomb timer George talked about earlier was at its limit.

That John asked Yoko afterwards to leave you two alone was just the appetizer of what was coming.

“(Y/N), you have attitude problems. The way you treat Yoko is horrible and unfair. She just wants to help” he tried to let you know where he was coming from, going back to a more suitable tone to appeal you.

“When we ask her for help, her presence will be welcomed”

“Enough now. Enough, (Y/N)” he shook his head and glanced at you fiercely. You swallowed. "Shit, what the hell’s going on with you and your twisted mind? You’re unbearable"

“Am I unbearable?” you gasped, blood heating your face, and immediately stood up. “You’re insufferable!! Twenty-four hours together like… like… like two fucking creeps!” you screamed, quickly forgetting about the ‘not raising your voice’ thing, gesturing an awful lot to express your irritation.

His expression of disbelief morphed onto one of monumental anger.

"And don't come at me with that ‘attitude problems’ crap. I’m not the only one who wants her out” you lectured in a bitter fit of temper, voice unwillingly shaky.

“If you have a problem with Yoko being around, the door is right there” he answered, pronounced tightness clear in his words.

Your heart sank to the very bottom of the Earth’s core, and the floor beneath your feet started trembling, just like you hallucinated once after dropping acid with Paul: the whole body in an uninterrupted burning perception that you could just blow up and die.

John was unpredictable, but you never expected him to show you the way out. He flushed your feelings down the toilet just like that.

“Damn right the door’s right there. I’m getting the fuck out” you stressed, turning around to leave so he wouldn’t see the sea of tears that started to overflow down your face.

From the very beginning of your friendship, you knew you had a massive soft spot reserved for him in your heart, but as years passed you were assured you were deeply and profoundly in love with every part of him. You adored and cared about John more than you did to yourself, which sounds and is scary, but you couldn’t do anything to stop it. It was the way that it was.

At this point you didn’t even care anymore that he didn’t return the same feelings, you just wanted him in your life one way or the other. His happiness was everything that mattered to you. It’d always remain that way no matter what happened.

John rubbed his eyes and sighed loudly.

“Don’t leave,” he said hopelessly, looking defeated, arms hanging on his sides, “I don’t want you to be mad at me”

“I’M NOT MAD AT YOU, IDIOT!” you exploded, whirling around to face him. “And I hate that! I hate it!”

Tears and tears kept streaming down your face. You knew you were being embarrassingly cringey and you’d punch yourself later for that.

There was no coming back now: the timer detonated and the pieces of your broken heart were all over the place, imaginarily staining the carpet as small volcanoes attached to them kept erupting and painting all red.

An anguish heaving pain in the pit of your stomach and throat was bit by bit killing you.

Nine years. Nine years in love with this man and he didn’t have the slimmest clue about how you felt.

He was about to find out.

John was surprised to meet your bloodshot eyes and quivering lips. He panicked when he saw that tears were also coming out of your nose down to your lips.

“I hate that you could hurt me over and over and that I’d always find ways to forgive you” you cried, and you wished you had a tissue to blow out your nose in it.

John was at a loss of words.

“Because I love you” you wailed, and rolled your eyes afterwards at that because it was so inconvenient and wrong to say it out loud.

In his consciousness, a voice snapped at him to take action and comfort you, but his feet seemed to be rooted to where he was standing. You were so vulnerable and fragile, full body shaking and shoulders tight, air constantly bursting in and out of your mouth, impossible to control your sobs. All because of him.

“I don’t… I don’t…” John struggled, heartbeat racing a million miles per second.

“I know you don’t!” you sputtered, an excruciating feeling that he’d never want to be with you choking you extremely. "Up until now I thought I could live with it, but you keep bringing her here! Why do you have to bring her?” you sobbed, covering your face.

John couldn’t quite tell whether it was your statement and confession what made his heart heavier with misery or the nicotine in the amount of tobacco smoke still hovering in the room, demanding it to work harder.

By the time he felt sorrowness suffocating him, he couldn’t deny it was the first option.

“(Y/N), I’m so sorry…”

As he watched you gulp for air, he couldn’t feel more incompetent and clueless.

You compressed your lips so he wouldn’t get to hear you sobbing; turning your back at him to hide your blotchy face, you heard footsteps approaching you.

John went to put a hand on your shoulder and hold you, but you winced and complained, stepping away from him, as if the contact burned your skin.

Staring at him in the eye, you shook your head.

“Do not touch me”

“(Y/N), we have to sit down and talk this through. I cannot—“

“I don’t want to keep talking about it. I said my part and I know what’s crossing your mind. ‘Poor (Y/N), I feel so bad for her, I hope she gets over it soon’. Nine years, John”

He swallowed.

“I’m sure there’s a way—“

“There isn’t! I love you and you don’t love me! What is there to discuss?”

Glancing across at him, you could perfectly see how he cared and how frightened and terrified he was about the situation. You were one of the most important people in his life, and to think that he thought he knew you, but missed what you were genuinely feeling towards him for almost a decade… He felt horrible.

Yoko was the love of his life, but he also loved you with all his heart.

He was sorry that it wasn’t enough.

“John”

George stepped into the room and walked further in to pull you towards him. He'd been watching for just a few seconds, because as soon as he saw what was going on, he intended to leave, at the end of the day it was none of his business, but he knew you needed him and therefore took the decision to end the scene.

Rubbing your back, he whispered in your hair if you wanted to leave. You just nodded.

“Wait, George. I need to talk to her”

“You heard her. She doesn’t want to”

John got mad at him.

“All I’m asking is a few minutes. Don’t expect me to drop it when she’s like that”

Maybe by ‘that’ he meant that you looked like a train just ran you over. Casually, that’s how you felt. If not worse.

You rested your head on George’s shoulder and murmured something about needing to go now because you couldn’t be in John’s presence no more.

“(Y/N), please” you heard John beg.

George and you walked to the door and he told you to wait outside, touching your cheek with a small smile on his lips, encouraging you to take it as an opportunity to calm down.

You obliged, but heard everything they were saying anyway.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” John cursed. “Why won’t you let me speak to her? This is serious, please”

John tried to get to the door but George barred the way.

“Are you gonna tell her you love her?” he asked, lifting an eyebrow.

John stared at his bandmate blankly, the expression of confusion on his face speaking for itself.

“Are you gonna tell her you’re leaving Yoko to spend your life with her?” George continued, making a point that he knew John would understand.

You bit your lip at that and wept silently.

John’s eyes were slowly piling up hot tears.

“That’s what I thought” George spoke in an undertone.

After that, George left him and found you sitting on the ground in the corridor. He took a seat next to you.

Spontaneous sobs and shiverings that you couldn’t hold back happened every now and then. You were grateful that George wouldn’t address them.

“I’m pathetic”

“No you’re not”

“Yes I am” you shook your head and sniffed, feeling lamentable. “I didn’t know I’d end up confessing one day. I assumed I’d carry it to the crave”

Two staff members from the cleaning crew walked by, and you stopped talking. When they were gone, George turned to look at you.

“I believe things happen for a reason and that fate is written. You and John not being a thing may be for the best. It’s gonna be hard, but you have to move on”

“Move on…”

He nodded.

You moved to face him and stared strongly into his eyes. That was it.

“Move on” you repeated out loud as a mantra, staring off into nowhere.

George furrowed an eyebrow.

“Yes…?”

You inhaled and exhaled at the same time that you closed and opened your eyes. Moving on would be the first step to a better stage within yourself.

“I’m leaving”

Puzzlement clouded George’s features.

“Leave… where?”

“The band, Geo. I’m quitting the band”

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