first find the pronouns character designs..... and also some notes abt how they are designed and how they work

part of me still feels like i might be sort of genderfluid and/or bisexual but just traumatized about it. no idea anymore

""You cannot piss in a cup or pull a sword from a stone or anything else in order to tell if you're trans or not. You are if you want to be. You're not if you don't."

This is what I say. No one listens.

"Look. I define transgendered literally; it's a way of crossing. Crossing into a different gender. Not the opposite, there are so many, just a different one. Or crossing out of the gender that theoretically goes, in that there heterosexual matrix we keep talking about, with your biological sex.

"Being a transsexual is a different animal. That's a matter of medical things or the intention of medical things, changing your sex you know? The sex parts: genitals, reproductive organs, hormones, secondary sexual characteristics. Or living full-time as a person of a certain culturally aligned sex and gender, whether you do medical things or not, because some people can't and it isn't fair to punish that. So them, too. But transgendered is wide open. And butch is a nonnormative gender yes? We can agree on that, anyway? So if you want to claim transgendered, great as far as I'm concerned."

People sign at me. They roll their eyes, They shake their heads. They want me to make ruling, they want me to tell them if they can call themselves transgendered, or alternative if they can still call themselves butch. As though I somehow have the power to confer or deny whatever label they want, or as though I can be relied upon to make an impartial decision int he case of an argument, whether it is internal or among individuals."

"Border Wars” Butch is a Noun essays by S. Bear Bergman (2006)

"If you go on T you won't look like a pretty anime boy, you're gonna look like an ugly man!" is so funny because I'm SE Asian, have been on T for 3 years with subtle (but satisfactory) changes, and definitely still have been told I look like an anime boy or a K-pop idol (because racism.) I do like to take care of my appearance and make an effort to look nice and stylish, but that's not a "pretty anime boy" or "K-pop idol" thing, I'm just A Guy who wants to look nice and pretty and cool. It's such an odd statement cause from my perspective it definitely does not consider the experience I described above, LMAO. It's assuming a "little white girl who doesn't know any better and likes anime" person, or something like that. (Just putting this out there because transmascs of color definitely need to be heard more, and transitioning on T experiences are all very very different.)

And anyways, the condescending way people talk down to trans men who do want to look like their cute/pretty fictional men transition goals is so weird... Like, what's wrong with that, anyways? Some fictional guys are really designed nicely, and may give new perspective on masculinity or maleness that people IRL may not show depending on where you live. Anyways, I think even if T changes you to be more masculine than you expected, you can still present in a way inspired by characters and styles you admire if you so like.

And the other side -- what's wrong with looking like an "ugly" man? I feel like that's saying any masculine trait is "ugly," so if you think that please reevaluate yourself. Looking more like a man Is Kind Of The Entire Point. Many transmascs will embrace that masculinity, and that's not anything bad, wrong, or poisonous. If you think it makes them look uglier or more like a predator or enemy, I want you to know that is not a very kind mindset to have toward transgender people, or to any man in general; it's rather in poor taste, and shows you are not an ally to transgender people. So if you do desire to be an ally, I urge you to reevaluate yourself and challenge yourself on what being a "man" entails, what being "masculine" entails. Because it's not inherently immorality or ugliness, it's just a gender.

This framing of masculinization as something to be warned against, that we don't know what we're getting into is not very cool, definitely ignoring we have our own agency and choices and feelings about our bodies. Like, when we go on T, often we know what it will do to us, and what kind of person we are gender-wise. We're making that choice for ourselves, absurd that we're treated like we don't know any better. We know. Don't treat it like a warning that we'll become less desirable types of people.

one thing i really really like about txf is that they aren't afraid to kill off characters.

in most shows, melissa would make a miraculous recovery, mulder probably wouldn't lose both his parents, and there are all the episode-specific characters that are killed simply because

a) it fits right into the plot

b) they can and

c) it adds a layer of realism to it.

if you never kill any of the characters—even minor side characters/npcs—then at some point, the dangers will feel less dangerous, less real, because you know everyone will be fine anyway. but not here.

the stakes ARE real and we are shown and told so over and over again.

scully loses her dad, melissa gets killed in her apartment, mulder's dad is killed, mulder's mom kills herself, there is no miraculous, perfect return of samantha, scully gets cancer, OTHER (returning) characters get sick and die, and the list goes on.

nowadays, way too many people are incapable of consuming anything that isn't 99% "everything will be fine" because processing complex emotions requires complex thinking, and boy are people refusing to develop that skill.

ironic to say, but txf is refreshing in regards to that AND has better representation that most shows and movies being created in recent years. do you know how fucking rare it is to have disabled characters that simply exist? whose disability is right there, it's real, they're not somehow hiding it or trying to make it less obvious.

they are like any other characters, and unless it is in some way relevant to the plot, it's usually not even brought up or mentioned. no misery or inspiration porn, no weird "you're not disabled, you're [insert term that's fucking horrible]", nothing.

even with episodes like gender bender, there is no transphobia, no caricatures, it's treated like any other case with any other people.

you'd expect a lot of ableism in a show about the paranormal since "crazy mentally ill person is a danger to everyone" is a popular trope (disappointing but not surprising), yet as someone who has highly stigmatized disorders—not just in general, specifically in the medical field too—I don't think I have ever felt uncomfortable with any of the cases.

people look back on older shows and start criticizing the language but not only were the terms and concepts named differently and have evolved, i'd rather have a show use "bad" or incorrect language but have genuine, caring representation than someone using all the buzzwords and thinking that makes whatever they do not offensive.

(side note: language moves fast, especially in psychiatry but also in other scientific circles, and the same applies to what i'll loosely call 'community language'. as long as there's good intent and an open ear, i couldn't give less of a fuck if they say transgender, transsexual, or transvestite)

i'm rewatching 'the field where i died' and this episode has one of the best, most accurate portrayals of DID i've seen in probably. ever. is it played up a bit? yeah sure, but it doesn't feel mocking or otherwise disrespectful and it refuses to play into any existing stereotypes.

this post got away from me, but bottom line is that this show is genuinely good in a way few shows are.

Ello

I am a mutual but i am embarrassed about self shipping so we go anon

If you are comfortable with it could i request the mercs with a trans man/nonbinary on their period? Like if they comfort you and how, what their reaction is (if they find it gross, if their confused as hell)

Thank youu

TF2 Mercs Comforting A Trans Man/Nonbinary Person On Their Period!

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Hello Secret Mutual! Of course you can ask this, it's really cute! You asked the right guy, too, because I am a transgender. Anyways, would you believe this is my second x reader ask? Uh, I hope you don't mind that I used my lgbtq+ headcanons for this! Also, I assumed by comfort you meant general comfort but also dysphoria, I hope I didn't go off ask with that assumption

————————————————————In case you were wondering, none of these guys would be embarrassed or refuse to buy pads/tampons/any other period products for you. And even if they were embarrassed, they'd do it anyway. I will die on this hill. There's also a myriad of period products in the base already, probably all old, but they're still there. Also, none of them will find it or you gross! Some of them might not really understand what a period is, but when they figure it out, they will never make you feel like it or you are gross. Periods are natural, and at the base, no one needs to feel ashamed!

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Um, light TW for gender dysphoria mentions? Nothing serious, just what the title implies. Lots of comfort and validation, though! Also uses of the words pussy and uterus!

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Demo is probably confused for like five minutes and then has a lightbulb moment,

"Oh, yeah, I remember being on the rag, hurt like hell. Medic can fix that if ya want. He took mine years ago." He had follicular cysts and good god was he thrilled to never have that pain again. (He's just like me fr!) Assuming you don't trust Medic, hate surgeries, can't get it removed, or just don't want it removed, he's understanding of your choice to keep it, and will try his best to be comforting. Anything you'll need, he'll manage to find. Heating pads? He's got them somewhere, he's sure. PMS pills? He's on his way to the lab to get them from Medic for you. If you have dysphoria from your period, he's also really good at providing comfort for that. If you're a trans man, he'll tell you you're plenty masculine and one of the strongest men he knows. If you're nonbinary he'll assure you that a little bit of blood every month doesn't change anything and that your identity is still valid as hell. He would fist fight your dysphoria if he could.

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Engie is more surprised than anything. Not in a bad way! Here's the thing, he straight up forgets about periods once he got his uterus taken out. My man had PCOS, and once he no longer had to deal with unbearable cramps and sickness every month, he just never thought about it again. He's super quick to comfort you, though. In a similar vein to Demo, he'll tell you about Medic removing his. Again, I am very respectful of your choice. He will do his best to make you super comfortable and keep you happy. He'll make you special heating pads! He'll also bring you anything you need. I cannot stress this enough. When it comes to dysphoria, you will get called an insane amount of pet names. All validating your identity, of course. He understands the feeling of dysphoria and will do anything to ease the pain and sadness that comes with it. Lots of cuddles from him too btw.

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Heavy is confused. Not by periods. This man grew up with three sisters. He knows what a period is by now. No, he's confused by you getting a period. He's not mean, of course! He's just going to ask you a lot of questions because he's probably just interested. He'll do whatever you need him to do to make it easier for you. He knows his sisters were miserable during their time, and he can't imagine how bad it is for you to have to deal with a period and dysphoria. Speaking of dysphoria, he doesn't really know what to say but also manages to say everything you need to hear at the same time? Like he assures you in no uncertain terms that you are super valid and no less of a man or person and that you are you and you're valid. He hugs you a lot! If you seem even the slightest bit sad, he's giving you a hug.

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Medic is probably the best when it comes to dealing with periods. He understands dysphoria and knows how to ease your pain. The second you feel pain, he's handing you hot tea and pain medication. He keeps you in his lab while he works to keep an eye on you and sends Archimedes and his other doves over to comfort you whenever he can't. He tracks your period purely to make sure he can have anything you might need on hand day of. He's always willing to remind you of how scientifically you're gender has nothing to do with those pesky organs. Lots of compliments on your body if you're a trans man, commenting on how masculine you are. If you're nonbinary he's complimenting your resilience and strength. Honestly, he's great. Points taken off, though, because he wants your uterus for his ever growing organ collection, but he will respect your choices with minimal pestering.

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Scout is confused all around. He doesn't get it. So you have to explain periods to him, then you have to explain being trans to him, and then you have to explain both together before it finally clicks in his mind. He's immediately supportive. Maybe to supportive. If you ask him to get period products you'll get hit with the "Alright babe, I'm in the pad isle, what's ur pussy size?" And if you make the mistake of not answering in the first five minutes he buys so many boxes of pads and tampons. You're sitting in bed clutching your stomach, and he comes in the room to dump at least seven boxes of pads and tampons on you. Hey, what he lacks for in understanding, he makes up for by being able to make you laugh so hard you forget the period cramps. You'll never feel dysphoria if he has any say in it. He will do anything to distract you from bad thoughts and will validate you until his voice wears out.

(HE'S LIKE THIS WHEN HE FIRST LEARNS WHAT A PERIOD IS 😭)

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Sniper doesn't care that you have a period and doesn't care that you're trans. That sounds really mean, but I swear it's not like that. Periods are normal, and you shouldn't feel weird about them, so when it's your time of the month, he'll support you in whatever way you need, but he'll act very nonchalant about it all. With you being trans he reassures you that he doesn't care about how you were born and that you shouldn't either because your body doesn't define the person you are. Basically, this man is so supportive but in a really calm kind of way. But just because he acts all chill and nonchalant doesn't mean he isn't worried. Oh no, this man appears to be calm and collected, but he's really upset that you have to go through this. You might find yourself on the receiving end of hugs and kisses whenever you look particularly sad.

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Considering his ass is on the support team, Spy is not very supportive. Well, not supportive emotionally. Physically, he'll bring you the best of whatever you need or want. He's more than happy to kill someone to get you something nice, just to see you light up or (happy) cry out of appreciation. Emotionally, however, he's not mean, but he thinks you're being ridiculous with the things you say. He wants to provide you comfort, but he really doesn't understand why you feel so dysphoric and doesn't even know where to start. He'll just reassure you he loves and cares for you. Speaks softly to you and talks more than he normally does if you prod him. Who knows, he might even sing for you or tell you stories while you lay in bed with cramps if that would make you feel better.

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Soldier is confused, but he's got the right spirit. In a similar vein to Scout, has asked what your pussy size is at least once, and has at least bought nine boxes of period products. He really just wants to be helpful and make you feel better. He'll gladly get anything you need, from heating pads to chocolate he's already getting it the second you even thought about it. I'd you feel dysphoric, he'll remind you that you're an American!! (even if you aren't 😭) And you're an amazing person. So, who cares how you were born? What matters is the person you are today! Less screaming than normal, especially if you get migraines or just headaches in general. He's still really loud, and your head will still probably throb, but he's trying. It takes him a while to go from his normal 100% volume to a normal speaking volume but the effort really shows. Most of the time though, he might just lay with you and listen to you talk, if you're in any mood to. Or just take a nap with you. Literally anything you want to do, he'll do, as long as he can do it with you.

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Pyro knows. Like 100% knows. They experience it every month and deal with pain and gender dysphoria. (They're the only merc who has a uterus and period, actually! They're MTF and underwent the surgeries only to realize their agender, they now have a complicated relationship with their gender where they love their body but dislike their uterus and want it removed but at the same time value their uterus) Anyways, this isn't a Pyro post so moving on! So, you two would probably sync up and deal with it together. Pyro would most likely focus on you to help them ignore their symptoms and dysphoria. They love helping you and caring for you. They have a big heated blanket that you can share to help ease pain, and they have as much chocolate as you need to make you feel better. Lots of hugs and cuddles, too! They'll talk to you for hours about their issues with gender dysphoria if you let them, always returning the favor to let you rant back at them. Finding their own way to assure you the feel the same and that you both need to realize that a blood cycle can't and won't ever define you or your gender.

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I love these guys so much. It's insane. Also, I love this ask, I want to shake it around in my teeth like a dog. Anyways! I swear I'm normal. I hope you like this Anon :)

A Trans Soulmate Au

Word count: 2070

Summary: being trans and not understanding it can make having a soulmate very difficult.

Paring: Takashi Mitsuya X Trans!Reader

Warnings: talk of Dysphoria, internalized transphobia, talk of transition, if i missed any please let me know.

A/n: Welcome this one has a bit of angst but it ends happily I promise. I just thought it would be cute if in a soulmate au where your soulmate's name was on your wrist what would happen if you were trans but your soulmate had your birth name on their wrist. So this came to be. This takes place when Mitsuya is twenty so that's the reader's age as well. I tried to write it so anyone can read it whether you’re ftm, mtf or nonbinary, or if you just want to see the inner workings of this trans person's brain. I also want to state this is a rough written interpretation of some of the things I felt before I knew what being Transgender was, it will not cover what everyone feels or what they would feel in this situation. I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think. Anyway requests are open, and remember to Hydrate or Diedrate. MINORS AND AGELESS BLOGS DO NOT INTERACT

Key: D/n means different/dead name, it can be anything but what you like being called I guess.

    I’ve known who my soulmate is for the past three months but haven’t told him yet. You may be thinking, why wouldn’t you tell him if you know he’s your soulmate, is he not a great guy or something? But that couldn’t be farther from the truth, my soulmate is Takashi Mitsuya and he is the sweetest guy to ever live. The problem is me. I don’t feel comfortable with who I am and who people want me to be. I’ve always felt like I’ve been living a lie, masquerading as someone I'm not, and honestly I’m scared to tell people the truth. What’s the problem with admitting your soulmates then, is probably your next question. Well I don't want to see the constant reminder of someone that’s not me on my soulmate's wrist.

    In our lovely world we live in your soulmates first name is written on your wrist from the time you are born. On my wrist in clean lettering is Takashi and I cherish it, but ever since I started noticing my feelings about myself I’ve kept it hidden so my soulmate can’t figure it out, because they shouldn’t be burdened with someone who is broken like me. When I met Mitsuya I was conflicted at first. I knew he was my soulmate because I saw D/n written on his wrist in the same font as mine, and obviously his name matched my wrist. He was so kind that I considered just telling him we are soulmates and dealing with the discomfort of seeing my given name everyday for the rest of my life, but my disdain for who people told me to be won, and I’ve kept it secret since. Or so I thought.

    It was the weekend and there was nothing happening with Toman at the moment so I was hanging out with Mitsuya and Hakkai. We were just chatting, covering topics like what we want to do in the future and how no matter what Hakkai and I will be Mitsuya’s number one supporters when he starts his fashion line. It was just a chill hang out among friends.

    “Seriously Mitsuya, if you need a model for a photoshoot or runway I got your back promise. I mean what are friends for?” I said brushing a strand of hair out of my face, not realizing my bracelets had slid up my arm.

     “D/n’s right, we’ll help in whatever way you need us to Taka.” Hakkai chimed in. “Anyway, other than being a fashion designer, have you thought about looking for your soulmate yet?” He asked Mitsuya to keep attention on him. 

     When the topic of soulmates was brought up I subconsciously rested my hand on my wrist. Feeling my bracelets out of place I quickly shifted them back into position. Hoping that the one person didn’t see the mark and figure everything out. I quickly looked over to Mitsuya and from what I could tell he was still absorbed in his conversation with Hakkai. I sighed in relief before deciding it was probably time for me to go home.

     Standing up, I addressed my two friends. “Well it was nice talking with you guys but I should get going, I have some homework I still need to finish.” I quickly turned not catching the slight frown on Mitsuya’s face. Waving one final goodbye, I left Hakkai’s house and headed on my way.

     I had reached a park a few blocks between my house and the Shiba residence and decided to sit and clear my head. “That was way too close.” I said to myself as I sat on the swings.

     “What was ‘too close’ me almost finding out that you are my soulmate and having been hiding it for who knows how long?” Said the voice of the one person I didn’t want to face right now. “Come on D/n, when were you gonna tell me? Did you just not like that the universe chose me for you to be stuck with for the rest of your life? If that was the case why did you hang around me so much?” He started asking questions.

    Fighting back tears cause I knew where this conversation would go, I tried to argue. “You know that’s not true Takashi. Why would I hide it? I didn’t know, I didn’t want to assume anything.” I lied, trying to play it off as me not knowing for sure.

    He rolled his eyes at that. “Don’t lie about it. You constantly wear bracelets to cover it up, obviously you’re embraced to have my name on your skin. And don’t Takashi me, if you can’t admit we’re soulmates don’t call me that.” He said with a harsh tone he normally saves for assholes he has to beat up.

    “I swear I’m not embraced, it's just easier if you don’t have to deal with me as your soulmate.” I said finally taking the blame even if I knew he wouldn’t believe me.

    “Are you sure? Cause it seems like you’re just making excuses. What did I ever do to make you want to hide that we’re supposed to end up together? If it’s the fact I’m in toman then i’ll leave it, pass on the title of captain of the second division to Hakkai and retire.” He started to sound almost desperate. Like the fact I hid this was hurting him. “Just tell me what I need to do, for you to accept me.” At this point there were faint tears streaming down his face. 

    I froze, Mitsuya never cries, he didn’t even cry when Mana started school. It hurt to see him stand here and offer to leave his friends for me. He loved toman, maybe even more than he loved fashion design and sewing. I couldn’t just sit here and watch him beat himself up over something that was really all my fault, so I broke down completely. 

    “It’s not you Takashi. I love everything about you and I would never ask you to quit Toman, that’s like asking Takemichi to stop crying or asking Mikey to stop riding his bike. The problem was never with you, I hid the fact we are soulmates because I’m broken. I’ve always been broken. I don’t know how to explain it but I just feel like my body is wrong. Like I was born in the wrong one, like a mistake was made. Everytime I look in the mirror I hate what I see. I've tried everything from affirmations, to body positivity exercises but it’s all wrong. I hid the fact we are soulmates because I hate my name. It doesn’t fit, it’s wrong, I don’t know what is right but that there on your arm is not me.” I ranted out, expressing my feelings about myself for the first time out loud. “I could bear going through life hating a part of my soulmate that he can’t change, so I hid my mark and hoped that by some miracle you would find someone else that shared this name and had Takashi written across their wrist even though I know it’s impossible. I don’t want you to have to live with someone who hates themself.” Tears were streaming down my face and I didn't notice Mitsuya moving to hug me.

     “We’ll get through this together. I know your feelings are probably hard to understand and are confusing. I’m not going to pretend like I fully understand, but I will help you through it. We can look for a therapist to help you work through it and understand. We can try anything you want to make you feel more comfortable. If you truly hate the name on my wrist I’ll keep it covered so you don’t have to see it, and you can tell me what you want to be called. You get to pick what I call you so I know you’re comfortable with it.” He said resting his head on mine as silently cried into his chest. “And when you’re ready I will help you tell the gang and if anyone dares to make fun of you or disrespects you they’ll have to answer to me. We’re soulmates for a reason, and I’ll stick with you through everything.”

     I couldn’t help but smile as I pulled away from him only enough to look him in the eyes. “Thank you Takashi. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you in the first place.” He just returned my smile, placing a kiss on my forehead. “As for what to call me, I’m not sure yet but I think for now you could just call me soulmate when talking to me. You can call me whatever you want to when talking with others though.” I said, earning a slight chuckle from the lavender haired man holding me.

    “You got it Soulmate, now take off your bracelet and give it to me.” I did as instructed revealing his name written neatly across my wrist. I watched as he smiled at his name before slipping the bracelet on his own wrist covering his own mark. “Now that that’s out of the way, what do you say to going out for some ice cream and maybe a movie?” He asked as he laced his fingers with mine.

    “Sounds fantastic.” I replied excited to start this new journey together.

Timeskip to a few months

     It was a relatively quiet day, I had just spent the morning cleaning up my room and getting ready to go out with Takashi for the day. He was supposed to be here around one and I was so excited to tell him some great news. You see, over the past couple months I found a therapist who helped me figure out that there is a name for my feelings and that’s gender dysphoria, and most people who experience it are Transgender. With the help of my therapist and the support of Takashi, I’ve started my transition. I’ve made some great strides in making peace with my feelings and presenting the way I see myself in my mind. The only thing I had been stuck on was a name. That’s the news I was ready to share with Takashi. I had finally chosen a name.

     Checking the clock, it was about 12 so I decided I should finish getting ready even though there was an hour before Takashi was supposed to get here. As I was picking out my shoes for the day I was interrupted by loud knocking on my front door. Checking the clock again to see it was only 12:15 I was confused, Takashi isn’t supposed to be here for another 45 minutes. Trying to push my concern aside I went to open the door. “Takashi, you're super early.” I said as I swung the door open, being greeted by a very frantic Takashi.

     “Thank god you opened the door, I have to show you something.” Before I could even respond he was pushing into my apartment not even bothering to take off his shoes. “I don’t know how or when this happened but when I was showering I noticed something strange on my wrist and when I looked at it, my mark had changed to this.” He said frantically moving the bracelet that normally covered his soulmark to reveal it had in fact changed.

      I couldn’t help but laugh, my laugh caused a look of shock to cross Takashi’s face. Before he could continue with his mini panic I decided to explain. “It’s ok Takashi. Everything is fine, in fact it’s amazing that your mark changed, it just proves we’re soulmates even more.” He looked confused at my statement. “I finally picked my name, it's Y/n” I said, clarifying what I was getting at.

     The look of confusion melted away into one of the biggest smiles I have ever seen on his face. “Oh my god. That’s fantastic Y/n. We have to celebrate.” He said immediately falling into using my new name. Hearing it come from him made me smile more than I already was.

     Having his support through everything has been a blessing, I’m glad my bracelet accidentally fell that day. If it hadn’t I would still be hating myself everyday, but instead I’m learning to love myself and showing everyone that no matter what society says you have to be you don’t have to listen.

Death Note Characters with a FtM S/O

(Note that I am FtM and this is self indulgent, consisting of what I would want. Not all FtM people experience gender as I do, this is written from my experience for those with a similar one)

Light

✍"I know"

✍This man is a genius. He noticed your friends using a different name and connected the dots

✍If you have dysphoria, he will buy you a binder and a packer and whatever else you need

✍He let's you borrow his clothes for some reason??? Like, he already did this, but now even more so? It feeds his god complex, seeing you look even a little bit like him

✍Totally tries to get you to get a haircut similar to his. Now his god complex is even more fueled

✍He transitions from calling you goddess to"fellow god" and it sounds really funny

✍Will write down the names of ANYONE who bullies you (which he did anyway but now in a much angrier fashion)

✍Gender doesn't matter to him anyway but he will always respect your pronouns to keep his fellow god happy

L

🍰Stares at you like this 👁👄👁

🍰He knew but didn't think you'd ever tell him because he knows he can be an asshole

🍰Glares menacingly at anyone who deadnames or misgenders you

🍰"I don't recall there being anyone named (deadname) in here. Did you confuse dreams with reality again, Matsuda? Sometimes I question whether you're fit for this job..."

🍰Then he just takes a bite of cake

🍰Literally will do anything to help with your dysphoria

🍰Watari is beginning to feel like an errand rat because he always have to buy random shit

🍰Extra cuddles on bad dysphoria days. He's already a cuddle man, but even more so when you're suffering

🍰Hypocrite. Will tell you off for not taking care of yourself

🍰If you wear a binder too long, he will stare at you until you ask what's wrong

🍰"Wash that thing"

Matsuda

💕Had no idea

💕Now he feels like a terrible boyfriend. Go comfort him!

💕HELP HIM

💕He spoils you ROTTEN. Six binders, different types of packers, manly man clothes

💕STOP HIM OR YOU'LL BOTH GO BROKE-

💕You need to remind him you aren't trying to be a stereotype. Just Y/N

💕Would fight anyone who was transphobic to you and get his ass whooped

💕He just wants to see you happy!

💕You don't call him useless like everyone else, so this is how he repays you

Near

🎲"Transgender? Now what on Earth is that?"

🎲For someone so smart, he's clueless about things like that

🎲So you explain it to him

🎲"So that explains your behavior "

🎲Wants you to feel special, but he is a baby and doesn't know how to support you

🎲SPK members buy you packers, binders, and other things on his behalf

🎲Makes a new finger puppet for you. He tries to make it more masculine

🎲It actually looks good

🎲He won't remind you to change your binder or wash your stuff like L would

🎲He literally can't. He's used to others doing things for him. Not because he's spoiled, it's just all he's ever known

Mello

🍫"And?"

🍫Doesn't care. He's not insensitive, it just doesn't matter to him. Who cares if your a guy, gal, or neither?

🍫A few hours later though he'd feel bad for his roughness and buy you a box of chocolates to make up for it

🍫Will tease that in order to be the manliest man you need a fancy scar like him

🍫If it bothers you he'll stop though. He's good at picking up on emotions

🍫Jokingly buys you a huge ass packer

🍫"Still not bigger than mine "

🍫Then he buys you a real one

🍫Uses mafia money to pay for your operations if you want them

tips for supporting a transgender little!!

there are many different littles in this world, many of which are trans! What day are trans FTM or MTF or or even somewhere under the nonbinary or gender fluid umbrella, I have some tips on how you can make their experience more comfortable and respect their identity!!

💕🏳️‍⚧️⚧️

Complements! Who doesn’t love a compliment? Of course you want to complement your little, so I thought I’d give you some suggestions on things to say that can help them out! If you’re a little is an FTM, you would always love to give them compliment, such as handsome, baby boy, adorable boy, things like! Including masculinity in their compliment, whether or not they present masculine, can give them a feel of gender euphoria! In a similar sense transgender’s MTF will often do you have any comforted by feminine compliments! Some examples would be pretty, princess, sweetie or mentioning female in a compliment, so just pretty girl, or good girl! A little may also enjoy animal related nicknames (always ask their boundaries before using any petnames) some animals can give gender euphoria, even without directly mentioning a gender! Kitty or kitten as a nickname commonly is seen as more feminine! It is not required to be in. There will be kitty boys and kitten girls in their own time. However, if you’re coming up with one on your own, you may find it good to try using kitten for trans MTFs! On the opposing side puppies can bring comfort to FTMs! for anyone who is outside of female and male, agendas, or under the nonbinary spectrum it’ll often help to avoid these exact compliments and come up with something else such as creativity, or something of that sort that does not route in some form of gender identity!

Bath time is very complicated for all Littles, but especially littles with gender identity issues!!! it is extremely important to ask your little what they are comfortable with at bathtime for Littles with gender identity issues, especially will struggle with allowing you to see them in any way that they might see as not the identity they prefer! Some lovely ways you can help comfort them with that is continuing to refer to them as their preferred gender while they’re starting to shower or bath. Don’t mention anything to do with those areas and most definitely do not use the terms “boy” or “girl” when talking about bodies!

TV shows! never refer to a TV show as a boy or a girl show! There is no such thing as a show, made for certain gender and buy influencing that you can upset your little!!

clothes!! support your little dress however, they are comfortable!! make sure to let them know just how adorable they are!! your clothes are not their gender, and do not in anyway intend that!! never ask them to wear any form of clothes they’re uncomfortable with, and always try to buy clothes that can match their style and identity!

did someone miss gender your little? Don’t ignore it and make sure to tell a little how much that person was wrong. Tell them they’re silly for not realizing how much of a pretty boy they are or pretty girl. Make sure to correct any of your friends! Even if you’re a little says that they’re comfortable, they most likely or not comfortable with her gender not being respected!! telling them that you recognize that someone upset them, and that you do not agree with that view, can bring so much comfort into their!

riffing off the poll i reblogged re: your blorbos doing top surgery. so these are some vague headcannons on how the members of tf141 would look after a reader post top surgery.

pairings: gaz x reader, soap x reader, simon x reader (romantic), john price & reader (platonic).

warnings: gaz refers to reader as babe and calls the reader handsome.

note: i’ve written this reader to be a trans man but can be read as anyone who wants top surgery. also i am firmly in the camp that you DON’T have to have surgery to be considered transgender or to have your gender respected. fuck knows it’s a hard enough process here in the UK, i can’t imagine my healthcare being stuck behind what is essentially a paywall.

gaz would be a sweetheart. he’d get you drinks and painkillers. he’d move your cushions/pillows around as much as you wanted. he’d pretend not to see when you burst into tears over pain/relief/a weird sense of mourning and fear. he’d even help you to the bathroom and linger outside the door (unlocked, he’d insist on it being unlocked) in case you need help with anything. the man gets your favourite takeaway and doesn’t make a fuss when you only eat a little bit of it because you’re feeling a bit nauseous from the meds you’re on. checks on your drains and dressings and soothes you when you catch sight of the swelling. he reassures you with forehead and cheek kisses when you’re upset and reassures you with a gentle babe you’re so handsome and brave, i can’t wait for you to show off your chest when you’re feeling better.

price would handle it from a more professional perspective (i am not saying reader would be in the military but i am saying that the man deals with paperwork most of the time anyway so he’d handle it for your work). he’s already sent off copies of your medical note from the surgeon, he’s filled in the paperwork to get sick pay. less hands on than gaz (but that’s only because i can’t see price with a trans man in a romantic or sexual way) so he doesn’t overstep but as your friend he’ll bring you food if you ask and painkillers too. checks in with you and sends you book recommendations, music recommendations and the occasional meme (don’t try to tell me he wouldn’t send you memes. that man is a millennial he knows what a fucking meme is) when you’re well enough to complain about being bored.

simon would be kind of a dick about it. listen i don’t make the rules but he would. he’s supportive enough. he’d give you a ride back from the hospital and get you to wherever is the most comfortable but he’s a bit shit at looking after you (the man has no practice outside of emergency medical care). you’d have to text him to get you a drink or painkillers. healthy nutritious food? no. what flavour pot noodle do you want? never mind you’re getting a bombay bad boy because that’s all he’s got in the cupboard. emotionally he’s not great at expressing how he’s feeling about your recovery so he comes across as gruff but that’s mostly because he’s repressing a whole bunch of trauma and fear that things won’t go well. he won’t touch you apart from holding your hand when you ask because he’s worried he’ll mess up your stitches but still it comes across as a bit cold.

soap the darling man is just so fucking excited for you. it’s a bit much actually while you’re still recovering and yeah you end up snapping and it hurts his feelings a little but he’ll try to play it off as not a big deal. he’s just so happy for you (and for himself because he cannot wait to get his hands on you now that you’ll let him because your chest is the way you want it)! super affectionate, peppers you with kisses all over your face. he’s similar to gaz in that he’s all about making you as comfortable as possible and tries to preempt any requests you have (gets you bottles of water and can of irn-bru because that’s what he always wants when he’s feeling under the weather, grabs you as many snacks as you want). unlike gaz he’s enough of a freak to insist on being in the bathroom with you when you need to go, he says it’s to make sure you’re safe but he’s definitely using it as an excuse to touch you as much as possible until you’re fully healed up.

daan te's inferno

so i feel like the fandom perception of pocketcat has herniated away from the explicit information that he is a pedophile, like that is just.. what his character is about, primarily, alongside other things. it's uncomfortable to see people trying to get around that for how and why they like him. but anyway, his character basis of what makes him frightening is that he is a charming and polite and charismatic welcoming friendly figure in a setting that lacks friendly faces almost entirely and he's also a pedophile, which is pretty true to life honestly. in both games he offers tempting and valuable resources to you that are difficult to get anywhere else

daan's character backstory is fairly long. some people interpret his parents trying to pass the healing gift of sylvian onto him as an allusion to him being transgender*, which makes me happy to see, but i'm also curious about the other ways you can read his backstory and interested in the cyclical framing of daan pretty textually undergoing different forms of CSA at different points of his childhood--

(the entire nature of sylvian cult worship referenced in the prior mentioned 'passing the healing gift of sylvian onto him', i saw someone else point out that daan doesn't learn any of sylvian's skills at this time which implies it would have been through other traditional sylvian healing methods, the options you can choose in regards to him surviving on the streets at age 13 have him either performing sylvian healing for money or being weirdly propositioned for information by your girlfriends dad, etc)

-- and he transforms into pocketcat as his moonscorched form, despite it also being true that daan is not a pedophile and the transformation has more to do with his failed pursuit of the cultist god, and removal of himself from his own life, the entire "The most important thing learned is that you trade your life, your self in the practice of medicine. That is the price to save lives of the others." mantra (reaffirmed by seeing pocketcat's dimension room changing from stuffed animals, etc, objects associated with children, to a crime scene related to daan's gf's sacrifice that he's obsessed with resolving for obvious reasons)

then that line about how pocketcat has been following him since long before coming to prehevil...

i'm not really putting anything together here in a big explanation, but i think the contrast is interesting. daan's life circularly starts with him getting traumatized from sexual events as a child by multiple different figures who have power over him, and the rest of his life has been completely defined by these events and what he learned during it. there's not a single thing he currently does that doesn't somehow tie back to sylvian. it made him a healer. it's how he met everyone he knew that was important to him. it was repeatedly the only thing he could use to try and have a life, one he merely survives by becoming detached from himself and the pain of others. you have to trade your entire self away in order to save the lives of others. and in the end the worst outcome he can imagine to become is a dehumanized caricature of a god's servant who would do the same things that happened to him 15 years ago

*note: i have not read dante's inferno and don't know anything about it

*note 2:

Modern au trans Ace has been consuming my mind lately so I thought I'll just share all of my headcanons or else I'll explode:

• Sabo was the first person he had come out to. It happened when they were around 9. Ace had always felt that something was "wrong" about him. That the way he acted, his interests and past times, and just how he would do things were "unnatural" or wierd". Once Ace became familiar with the conspet of transgenderism he just opened up to him, and was met with instant support.

• Immediately after this, Sabo gave Ace his (trademark) transgender haircut in the bathroom of Dadan's house. She actually entered it while they were there and upon seeing it she cried out of happyness. (Mothers know everything)

• Coming out to Garp was a bit harder for Ace since he wasn't sure how an older person would have reacted, I mean Garp just left there his grand"daughter" and came back to a grandson after all. But we all know that Garp would never discriminate, and plus now he has another grandson to train.

• Luffy arrived in his life after a full year after he had transitioned, so at first Ace wasn't sure how to exacly explain this to Luffy, but he did manage to open up to him after they officially became brothers. Luffy wasn't just an innocent kid, while he didn't fully understood concepts like transphobia, to him Ace is just his brother so if anyone is mean to him or calls him names he'll just kick their asses.

• Ace had been homeschooled for the 5 years that would have been him attending elementary school. Middle school was the first time he attended an actual school and at first he wasn't open or confident at all and was ready to just beat up anyone who tried to shit talk him.

• Surprisingly he made a few friends. They were mostly just Luffy's friends who were older than him or his friends's siblings, but he appreciated it anyway. His absolute best friend ever tho is Kuina. I hd her as non binary using she/they so its just trans supporting trans, and they also have like a million of other reasons to be friends but those were already pointed out.

• His top surgery was payed by none other than his father Newgate. The Whitebeards pirates would be just this one tatoo shop Ace works at that Newgate he opened after "retiring" from biker gangs and stuff.

• Obbligatory T4T Yamace, but we all already knew this, didn't we?

• Ace gets the best older trans guy advice from Franky. Because to me, he is just what every trans guy aspires to be, cool and hardboiled. And who wouldn't want to get advice from the dude who did his own top surgery in his father's mechanic shop at 15?

These are all from me, but feel free to add your own or elaborate on the ones you like.

Trans Ace is so real to me that I quite literally can't imagine him being cis. It's just so,,, Weird to me. And I absolutely love everything you said. I definitely think Sabo was the first one to know and the one who helped Ace the most with his transition, also telling Garp, who actually is way better (if you can say 'better' when something isn't even 'good' but yeah) at raising boys. At least he understands them better. So I think he wouldn't have a problem with it at all even if he's more on the "I don't really get it that much, kid, but as long as you're happy" type of vibe. I agree with everything,, When he was younger he really didn't interact with many people and usually preferred to be alone. Teachers considered him more of a problematic kid than anything, and always compared him to Sabo with the typical "how are you like this when your brother is just so polite and smart!?" but then Sabo always ends up fighting the teachers for saying that shit in front of the class and Sabo stops being so perfect in their eyes (also he starts rebelling himself a lot against the educational system lmao). And not to talk shit about Garp, but talking shit about Garp I'm sure Ace would get in trouble a lot and Garp wouldn't show up to the meetings with Ace's teachers. That only makes Ace feel lonelier and everyone thinks he's extremely troubled. When he's literally a sweetheart to both Sabo and Luffy,, When he meets Luffy's friends, he starts to open up to people. He still gets in a lot of trouble, honestly, but that's just him. I think his classmates find out about him being trans, of course, and not a lot of people are okay with that. He truly wants to fight them but he knows that if he keeps going like this he'll get expelled and he doesn't like the idea of leaving Sabo and Luffy alone ('doesn't like the idea' meaning he almost gets expelled and Sabo had to scold him and tell him that even though he has his own friends he doesn't know what he would do without him in school), so Luffy and Sabo are usually the one defending him a lot of the time since the teachers, even though they're chaotic, don't really hate them (because look at those cutie patooties how could you hate Luffy???? He gets along even with teachers). The Whitebeard pirates accept him with open arms and he finally feels he has a place to belong to. Newgate doesn't even offer to pay for the surgery, he just pays without telling him first because he knows Ace wouldn't have let him do it otherwise. He's so so grateful for them. And his brothers. And his friends. And everybody that has ever supported him. I think that he has lots of issues with depression and self-image and he often has a hard time when he acts impulsively, but Newgate always helps him. He grounds him. Gives him something to focus on. And Franky is soooo fun to be around. Newgate tells him to go see Franky and give him the money he owes him, and that's how they meet, basically. It's obvious he's trans because he goes shirtless all the time and scars are there and everything... And Ace just has to ask about his experience. Franky helps him gladly. And it's not only cathartic but also very comforting. He also meets Robin there!!!! Because married Frobin in this one. And I think Ace would absolutely love her because she keeps being oh so nice to him. She kind of reminds him of Makino, and it's extremely sweet. I think Ace now goes to help Franky from time to time when the Tattoo shop doesn't really need him there or, well, whenever he wants to because he also is extremely interested in bikes.

T4T Yamace my beloved.... Guys being guys. Dudes being dudes. I think they meet because Newgate tells Ace something about this man Kaido (leader of a gang) who owes him lots of money or something or did something very nasty to him yadda yadda Maybe they just have beef from when Newgate was into the gang stuff. And Ace keeps saying he should go and settle things with Kaido and beat him up for that, but Newgate is retired and he really, really doesn't give a single fuck about it. Lmao. Ace says he could take down Kaido himself. Newgate laughs. Ace is too proud. So he ends up looking for Kaido and fighting Yamato late at night in the street and,, Well. You know how it goes. They become daddy issues besties and turns out Yamato does not want to follow his dad's steps. Ace is curious about Yamato's experience because he doesn't seem to want to have surgery or anything, and they keep bonding over their pasts and family and Yamato ends up joining the friend group. And it's so cute. Newgate can see the kid is in love because every day he waits for Yamato to come pick him up to hang out. Or maybe he begs to get out earlier to go see Yamato. He keeps talking about Yamato,,, All the time. Even Sabo and Luffy are done with him. It's endearing.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA This is just so good. Modern Au my absolute beloved.

Like Crazy (2023) as a discussion of (queer) loneliness 

hiiii anyways i keep saying Like Crazy is incredibly bisexual/queer and its been hard to explain why without writing an essay so. without further ado:

*DISCLAIMER* I am not claiming I know anything about how Jimin identifies or the intended message of the album, nor am I claiming my interpretation as above any other. This is just my reading of FACE and Like Crazy as a gay person of colour and a grad student writing a thesis on transness where I discuss topics of loneliness as a systemic form of violence and intimacy. I am also looking at this from a very Western perspective; though I know there are likely many Korean and likely queer Korean authors, theorists, and poets evoking similar ideas, I’ll be making reference to authors that I am familiar with who are better known in a Western context.

Loneliness as a cycle of abjection

“I want to introduce Jimin’s true feelings that I didn’t bring up anywhere else. I looked back on myself and honestly expressed my […] emptiness and loneliness.”

I don’t think it would take a particularly high level of analysis to conclude that FACE, and Like Crazy more specifically, are meant to explore loneliness as a process of self-alienation. Non-binary author Olivia Laing describes the cycle of loneliness as one where: 

“[…] the lonelier a person gets, the less adept they become at navigating social currents. Loneliness grows around them, like mould or fur, a prophylactic that inhibits contact, no matter how badly contact is desired. Loneliness is accretive, extending and perpetuating itself.” 

It’s very clear from the beginning of the music video for Like Crazy that Jimin struggles with reconciling a comfort in loneliness with a need to experience intimacy. Regardless of his efforts, the rot of loneliness is never far, seeps in through the walls and stains his hands. As (ironically) relatable of an experience as loneliness is, it does not occur in a vacuum. Rather, the unique experience of queer loneliness and rejection is one riddled by othering from acceptable sexuality and gender experiences and an inability to be framed within normative categories. Robert Phillips, scholar in language analysis as it pertains to gay male sexuality, wrote on abjection through a trans studies framework. To him, the process of horror or unease that defines abjection, through which the “other” is separated from and by an “us,” goes beyond “casting out” and becomes more interactive process; the hegemonic is protected by rejecting whatever does not conform, that is ambiguous, that does not fit in box. “The anxiety at the root of this unease with transgender subjectivity can be traced back, in part, to a fear of the ambiguous.” Loneliness, like queerness, acts as a sort of mark of Cain, a characteristic that becomes so impeded in our being that it if first noticeable and then rejectable. 

Despite being marked by loneliness, Jimin is the center of attention for the first act of the music video, featuring him crowd surfing and posing delicately for pictures. Yet, despite his yearning, he makes no move for intimacy. The music video implies the possibility that it is the result of this very hypervisibility as a figure of softness and boyishness, inviting parallels to be made here with the foucauldian references and the power play between surveillance and identity in other areas of the album, namely Set Me Free Pt. 2 (a discussion for another post for another time…..).

Hedonism as an escape

“[Like Crazy] expresses the emotions of the moment when you run away from reality to forget your wounds.”

The overlap between loneliness and overt sexuality is why eroticism is so culturally important to queer communities. Like Crazy explores desire and intimacy through what can be called a queer lens, as an escape and as an unsuccessful means to being perceived and acknowledged outside of suffering. The whole poem is absolutely beautiful, but a specific excerpt of gay Asian-American poet Ocean Vuong’s On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous comes to mind: “Don’t we touch each other just to prove we are still here? I was still here once.” As Like Crazy, Vuong’s poem discusses intimacy as the antithesis to loneliness. To be intimate is to come out of ones self.  The erotic becomes an avenue to salvation (I will permit myself a little shoutout to Christian mythos by drawing parallel to the Song of Songs - we all dream of kissing God, of laying with the presence of something larger than us, and finding deliverance from it!). 

Like Crazy communicates a power struggle between desperation for intimacy and an addiction to loneliness. What Jimin says about it and the juxtaposition with the actual visuals of the music video paints the picture of an attempt to build closeness on the foundations of perpetual solitude. In Like Crazy, closeness is futile. Loneliness becomes a lifelong lover, and intimacy an occasional affair. Though still better than perpetual solitude, it is marked by disillusion: “I’d rather be lost in the light.” Rather than evoke the image of a passionate one-night-stand, it acknowledges of the persistence of loneliness. queer latino write John Paul Brammer evokes this feeling: 

“Loneliness, I find, continues too. Our relationship with solitude is one of the most important ones we have in this life. No matter how full and vibrant and loud we make things, the quiet always finds us.”

Despite Jimin’s desires for closeness, we don’t actually see him making any move for closeness. Rather, despite his best efforts, he walks against the course of those around him in a repeated shot before knocking the camera’s lens away; again, a parallel to the surveillance of set me free, as well as a possible denial of him pace against the grain.

Queer desires and longing

“Let me have a taste / Give me a good ride.”

For non-queer people, what is difficult to understand in the particularities of queer loneliness is its entwining with desire. It’s an unspeakable yearning - as much in the ways it is indescribable as it is often life-threatening to do so. It is a profound sense of non-belonging felt in the knowledge that you are not as others are or see you because of a fundamental issue with how - and for whom - you experience desire. As a result, the erotic and sexuality along the margins of what is normative, i.e. reproductive cisgender heterosexual missionary sex after marriage, are profoundly radical and embodied manifestations of queer desire: kink, bondage, leather, sadomasochism, casual sex, chemsex, etc. all contribute to this expression of queer intimacy and self actualization.

I know I’m being a little dramatic in the set-up here but it is really difficult to try to explain this inherent outcasthood to straight people. It is such a specific experience that is so untranslatable, and yet it is a feeling that I pick up so strongly in the Like Crazy music video. The remedying of sexuality with the profound alienation that queer people feel up until, very often, a dramatic and self-destructive discovery in young-adulthood, is something that straight/cis people just can’t understand. Leading African queer scholar and (erotic) writer Keguro Macharia writes: 

“what is the taste of loneliness? / salt-bitter-sweet-nothing / after midnight, in cars, in booths in sex shops, in dark bedrooms, in anonymous hotel rooms, encounter after encounter, trading orgasms for ‘hold me’ and ‘let’s cuddle’ ‘if I suck you off, will you cuddle with me’ ‘if I let you fuck me, will you cuddle with me’.”

I’m not knowledgeable on kink culture so I won’t get too into it but I think it’s really interesting how submissive the lyrics come off. What is striking about the way Like Crazy approaches desire that sets it apart from any generic “we found love in this club”-type pop song is its desperate tone rather than one that boasts virility with promises of a “good time.” Instead, Jimin is the one pleading.

Queer loneliness as liberation

“She’s saying, ‘Baby, don’t think about it / There’s not a bad thing here tonight.”

Like Vuong’s poem, Like Crazy could also become a larger question on a heterosexual culture that is increasingly anxious about bodies and touch. The music video can be clocked as having the intention to discuss the erotic - the Robert Mapplethorpe reference is enough to assert this - yet it does so very tamely. Everyone is clothed, no one touches too much, the atmosphere is fun, chill, controlled. Jimin, despite his expressed desperation for closeness and hedonism as told through the lyrics and through his interaction with those at the party, through the careless throwing back of shots, does not find what he needs. The environment is too controlled, too “straight” (as in “proper,” or “innocuous”). He himself does not find any intimacy. He stays at the center of it all, untouched, and not daring to get closer. 

Something that is reflected by a lot of trans theory writers (some whom I’ve read including Paisley Currah and Dean Spade) is that the normalization process in inclusion produces and reproduces ideas on who is and “insider” and who is an “outsider.” I read a bit of Melissa Caroll’s thesis on the political implications of queer loneliness as part of my own (much shorter) thesis. In it she discusses how “straight” culture, through the aforementioned social accounting processes, delimit the realm of the socially accessible, in a process Denise Riley calls loneliness. Caroll says: 

“Currently, any public declaration that “I am lonely” presumes that we are registering this feeling based on what we have been led to believe that loneliness, as a term, means: sad, alone, lacking, in need or want of friends, odd, bizarre, queer, and unhappy.”

Heteronormative abjection of queer and trans modes of being are increasingly reclaimed as constructive and disruptive political strategies. As postmodernist feminist scholar Julia Kristeva writes, abjection is “the place where meaning collapses.” Rejection of inclusion to instead embody abjection and loneliness is another cornerstone of queer self-affirmation that is explored, again, through the erotic and the sexually obscene. The tame nature of the music video, Jimin’s desperation, implies a dissociation from himself and a refusal to face himself. There is an acknowledgement of the futility of his desires for closeness beyond what he is “marked” for, that it will “break” him yet he refuses to be “saved.”

So, regardless of whether Like Crazy truly is an attempt to explore the unique nuances of queer loneliness, it is clear that what it does discuss is struggle against self. The music video depicts not romantic rejection or conflict, but rather an imposed alienation. A self-rejection from an objected self and from a normative way of life. The stained, leather clad hand presumably belonging to Jimin himself dragging him to the party, the knocking away of the camera as a refusal to accept a self or to showcase that “wound,” the interplay between the warm shots of androgyny and desire contrasted with the cool setting of the club. The premise of the music video and its use of a movie itself is a refraction of this longing and abjection in a way; what does it say to attempt to translate a profound feeling of disorientation and loneliness within a normative context through the reference of a romance film featuring a White, conventionally attractive, heterosexual, cisgender, normative couple as a man of colour often read as gender non-conforming? 

TLDR: Whether Like Crazy or FACE globally means to discuss queer loneliness and desire, the way they are ultimately explored and the play on gender and belonging imply a framework that is, intentionally or not, queer. 

Hayley's Completely Self-Indulgent and Borderline Ridiculous Bill Cipher Playlist (Part 1)

Just gonna go for it and make a masterpost of all the songs (video links included) I've got on my Bill playlist so far.

'So far' being the key words; I've added over a hundred songs at this point and will probably add more in time. Whether it's songs I think Bill would like, songs that just remind me of Bill, the most obnoxious songs to hear on a party playlist, songs connected to the side of himself he tries to bury in lies, or songs that I'll admit are a bit of a stretch but they still remind me of Bill so I added them anyway, I've got a little bit of everything here.

I do take requests for songs to add but also don't make fun of me for some of the more obvious and basic choices because I know. I know. But also I can do whatever I want forever.

I did put some small reasons/infodumps next to each song, to explain why I picked them. Or I'll just say that it had Bill vibes to me and leave it at that.

Anyway, for anyone interested (if you actually read all my little blurbs, massive props to you), the first chunk of songs are listed below. Just a heads up, it's LONG and this is only the first part:

Mariana & The Diamonds - Oh No! - Yeah, obviously. Obviously.

Taylor Swift - Death Note ｢AMV｣ Look What You Made Me Do - I said it before, I'll say it again; Death Note AMV creators can turn water into wine and every time I watch this one, I can't stop picturing the song from the POV of a manipulative, power-hungry bastard with a God Complex. So you know, Bill. But only specifically in this context, it doesn't hit as hard without the AMV.

Fall Out Boy - Centuries - Listen to the lyrics of the chorus. That's Bill. Like...that's Bill. The rest of the song has a lot of really good Bill lyrics as well.

Scissor Sisters - I Can't Decide - Shut up. SHUT UP. I knew about the song WAY before it was ever applied to Bill. Heck, I knew about this song way before Bill even existed so SHUSH. But like, come on. Sometimes a song choice is overapplied to a character for a reason; it works.

Creature Feature - The Greatest Show Unearthed - I think my teenage self would strangle me if I didn't put at least one Creature Feature song on here. Lucky for him, I've put more than one. But the other one comes later. ...Did I add it? I should check that.

Voltaire - Land of the Dead - Speaking of teenage Hayley's tastes, time for the Voltaire songs I've definitely just added because of the 'I'm 13 and this is Deep' vibes. But also Voltaire fucks severely and every Bill playlist should have at least one of his songs on it, in my personal opinion.

Voltaire - When You're Evil - Once again, I'm 13 and this is Deep, but also tell me you can't imagine Bill singing this to himself. No, not in a sexy way in a human body who looks like Oregonian Onceler, in the edgy teenager way where you thinks you're the most evilest evil in the entire world but you're really just going through puberty and also probably transgender, but you don't know that yet.

Voltaire - Death Death (Devil, Devil, Evil, Evil, Song) - Once again, edgy teen who thinks he's the most evilest evil in the entire world (I don't think Bill is actually irredeemably, unquestionably evil, he'd just really vibe with 'Ooh I'm so evil! I'm such a bad guy!' songs).

I'm pretty sure this is the last Voltaire song for now, unless I added Brains! somewhere down the line and forgot. (Also just a mild warning but this song DOES use the f-slur, if that bugs you)

The Greatest Showman Cast - The Other Side - Sighs. Look. It's a Bill and Ford song to me. I don't even mean romantically or anything, just LISTEN to it. That's them. If there were a Gravity Falls Musical, dedicated to recreating the entire show through song and dance, the two of them meeting for the first time would have a song exactly like this. I refuse to apologize for this choice. Also a Gravity Falls musical would rule, someone should make that eventually.

Italobrothers - My Life is a Party - Just the first of my many Dragostea Din Tei choices for this playlist. I really like the original, okay? And I usually end up attached to people who try to remix it/make a new song outta it. This one has the bonus of also being a fun party song.

David Guetta, Bebe Rexha - I'm Good (Blue) - Speaking of the first choice of a song I have multiple times on this playlist in some form. I don't care what anybody says, I think this song is a lot of fun and I think Bill would have it on one of his party playlists somewhere. Probably the Nightcore version, it's a lot quicker and makes for a better fistpumping song, in my personal opinion.

Set It Off ft. William Beckett - Wolf In Sheep's Clothing - Yeah, I'm not explaining this one, you get it.

Vocaloid (made by Fukase) - ‘Cause I’m a Liar - I actually don't like this one all that much, and I can feel everyone's judgment about having a fucking Kokichi Ouma fansong on here. But the lyrics don't lie. Or...I guess they do. It's a song about being a liar, that's the joke. (Also slight content warning but the video has a lot of flashy effects, so take caution!)

Kesha - Blow - Of course we've gotta have some Kesha. There will be more. She needs no explanation.

Kesha - TiK ToK - Once again, not explaining myself. It's Kesha.

Taylor Swift -【AMV】Death Note - Blank Space - What I said about the last Death Note AMV with a Taylor Swift song. It just works so well for a manipulative guy like Bill, but only when set to Death Note specifically. Why? I have no idea, it just hits different. It's like eating crackers with cheese whiz: not a healthy or fantastic snack by any means but sometimes I just want some junk food. Except this junk food manipulates people.

Kesha - Take It Off - Once again, will not explain my Kesha choices. You understand that Bill and the Henchmaniacs would be Kesha girlies or you don't.

Neil Cicierega - It's Gonna Get Weird - Giggles. Also funny enough, I don't listen to this all that often. Dunno why.

Gravity Falls Soundtrack - Is It Bottomless - Triangulum Entagulum - I mean, yeah.

Gravity Falls Soundtrack - A Very Tricky Triangle - I mean, yeah x2. I don't care if this might be cheating, I can do what I want. But also, isn't this such a FUN instrumental? I love the music they use for him in the show SO much. It's so sinister and otherworldly. Top-notch soundtracking.

Voltaire - Brains! - Oh, hey, I did add Brains! to this. Anyway, we can tell I was a Billy and Mandy kid so I'm gonna project that onto Bill. Also I'm 90% sure this is the last Voltaire song I have on the list. For now.

Trolls 3 - Mount Rageous [Extended Edition] - This is absolutely one of my most self-indulgent picks on the list, especially because I went straight for the one that includes the Sweet Dreams part of the song (because I guess the soundtrack doesn't actually have it?)

Anyway, it's a song all about faking it to make it, sung by people who have gone on to manipulate everyone around them by using others for their own abilities. So I think I at least have SOME excuse to connect it to Bill. Maybe? Possibly? I think so. Plus it fucks and actually got me to semi-care about the Trolls films again.

Alex Hirsch - We'll Meet Again - Giggles again.

Marina and The Diamonds - Bubblegum Bitch - Insert that post about always understanding whenever someone slaps Bubblegum Bitch onto a character playlist. That character's Miss Sugar Pink Liquor Liquor Lips now. Admittedly I don't have any other real reason for it to be on here, other than its extreme levels of cunt. Maybe Bill adds it to his party mix at Pyronica's request or something. Now THERE'S a Bubblegum Bitch.

Rihanna - Disturbia - Another song that gives me Bill and Ford vibes. Pretty self-explanatory, probably. Probably?

Malia J - Smells Like Teen Spirit - I also have the original version and the Weird Al parody down further on the playlist, and I tie them all to Bill in different ways. This one's for his more ominous and sinister side, where it's like 'I'm coming and I'm not leaving :)', whereas the original touches more on the 'teen/young adult revolutionary' side of things and the Weird Al cover is just because Weird Al. Also this cover is so pretty and chilling to me.

David Guetta ft.Sia - Titanium - This one's kind of a 'I could take it or leave it on here' song, admittedly, but also it gives me pre-Second Dimension-Destruction Bill vibes, in a twisted kind of sense. Like, he feels all powerful and like nobody can stop him...as he proceeds to make the worst mistakes of his life and destroys everything he knows. Might stew on this one and potentially remove it, but it can stay for now.

Ricky Martin - Livin' La Vida Loca - I feel like this one speaks for itself. He's insane. He's cah-RAZZYYYYY. Also it's a fun party song.

Freak Kitchen - Freak of the Week - This one just fucking rules. I'll admit connecting it to Bill outside of the title is a stretch, it's more a critique on people so desperate to achieve fame and fortune that they'll go as far as putting their own lives in danger to get it, whereas Bill is more likely to put others in danger to achieve his own goals.

But also he was willing to destroy the universe with himself inside it, for the sake of the most wild party imaginable. Also, desperate to seek fame and fortune without considering the dangers necessary to get there? Could always stretch further, say it's a Bill and Ford song. Either way, I'm keeping it on the playlist.

Christina Milian - Am to Pm - I've just really liked this song since I was like, ten, and it's a fun party song. Not all of Bill's party songs have to be super annoying, sometimes they can be bops. The bops make you lower your defenses. So when he drops a What Does The Fox Say? down the line, you're completely blindsided. Yes, it will be on here.

Viva La Vida - Coldplay - A human Bill song if I ever heard one. Another fairly basic choice, but again, I don't think it's a HUGE stretch to tie it to him. Plus again, insert that Top Forty Hits quote from Dipper here. They're in the top forty for a reason, they're CATCHY.

Eurobeat Brony - Discord (Remix) - Yeah.

Alina - When You Leave [Numa Numa] [Basshunter Radio Mix] - I told you this song was going to be all over the playlist. And we still haven't gotten to the original yet. Also fun fact; there was originally another version of the song before this one, but upon a relisten I was like 'Hmm, nah, it's good but I don't know if it's got that Bill energy.' Yes, I can and do compare Dragostea Din Tei covers for my Bill Cipher playlist like I'm comparing paint swatches at Home Depot. It's that important to me.

Switchfoot - Dare You To Move - I have no excuses for putting a song from a psuedo-Christian rock band on my Bill Cipher playlist outside of the sheer nostalgia factor, and I can't even pretend it's a one-off thing because there's another one of their songs further down the list. But CONSIDER; the Axolotl singing it to him. That's all I'm going to say. I will not apologize.

BB Cooper - Blame - To me, this is one of those songs about the feelings Bill probably tries to drown in lies. I realize it's a stretch, because we know he wouldn't actually stop and self-reflect in the way that the song does.

But at the same time...I could easily see someone making an animatic set to this song with Pre-Second-Dimension-Destruction Bill at the beginning and it switches to present-day Bill for the second half. I see the vision, even if I realize Bill would try his hardest NOT to see it.

Either that or he'll interpret it as a 'You see? I'm not the villain here. My tragic past is the real reason I'm like this.' song. But you know, there's always that thin thread that's tied to his past, before everything unfolded as it did. Where at some point, he really and truly wasn't to blame. Alas.

They Might Be Giants - Particle Man - Heehee hoohoo triangle man.

Tom Cardy (ft. Montaigne) - Red Flags UNO REVERSE - I added these two in reverse order, oops. Oh, well. I feel like it adds to the chaos.

Tom Cardy (ft. Montaigne) - Red Flags - Of course. Sidenote but this song is physically impossible to sing out loud in public unless you want some WEIRD looks from people.

Hudson Mohawke - Cbat - Tell me he wouldn't love this garbage.

Circus Music - Just circus music. Because he's a massive clown.

Earth Wind & Fire - Boogie Wonderland - Just a fun song, especially for parties.

Nicki Minaj - Super Bass - It feels so wrong to think of a party mix without it, and I feel like Bill would agree.

Toby Fox - Your Best Friend and Toby Fox - Your Best Nightmare - These two are tied together in that order, for pretty obvious reasons.

Simple Plan - I'm Just A Kid - I bounced back and forth with myself before eventually taking Teenagers by MCR off the playlist. I'm not doing that with this song. It just...it feels Bill, you know?

Maybe specifically my version of him, but also can't you imagine your own version of him blasting this at the age of like, fourteen? Am I wrong? I don't feel like I'm wrong. Also I might add Teenagers back onto the list, he needs more of those angsty teen songs.

Darude - Sandstorm - It's a meme, it's funny, it'd be a blast at parties.

Flo Rida ft. Kesha - Right Round - I wouldn't count this as a Kesha song but also I could easily see them bumping it in the Fearamid.

Sia - Chandelier and Toad - Chandelier - Once again, a two-for-one special. I feel like Bill would enjoy both for various reasons. He can interpret it as just another party song, while ignoring the obvious darker implications behind the song of masking your true pain and emotions through a wild and reckless lifestyle. He'd probably love to get as literal as possible with it and try swinging from a chandelier. The Toad once is ear-splitting annoying. I think they fit

Florence and the Machine - Cosmic Love - This one is just for Mina. That's the only reason it's here.

Weird Al - Polka Face - Funny Weird Al song.

Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby - Drake suggested this one and it was right. I laughed and added it, then proceeded to get jumpscared by it when I shuffled the playlist this morning. So that was funny. Go, white boy, go.

Tim Rothrock & Jim Wise - Goofy Goober Rock - More Drake suggestions (this and the other Spongebob songs, along with a few others down the line), and this makes me smile extra hard because I've been in such a Spongebob mood lately :)

Spongebob - Jelly Fish Jam (4 Hour Edition) - Yes, the 4-hour edition specifically. If you're not jamming as much as the jellyfish did in the episode, you're doing something wrong.

Spongebob - Sweet Victory - Of course. Gotta honor the classics.

Weird Al - NOW That's What I Call Polka! - Another one of my personal favorite Weird Al polka mashups.

LMFAO - Party Rock Anthem - Would Bill be Team Party Rockers or Team Party Rock Is?

Cutting it off here because this playlist has over a hundred songs so far and I'm only at...57. How fun for me personally to stop there for the first part. Anyway, expect the next part in a bit.

Proper noun: Ceetee Pronouns: It/Its* Common nouns: Girlthing, Tranny, Doll Adjectives: Trans, Mixed-Race, Aegosexual, Polyamorous, Plural Verbs: Game Design, Shitposting, Flirting

🖋 Last edited: 5/20/24

Unreasonably proud of that stupid grammar joke. Anyway yes, I'm Ceetee. While I am plural, I try to avoid the use of first person plural pronouns, except when we are specifically talking about our experiences with DID/Plurality. We also do our best to conceal who is fronting at all times (you can read more about that in the links about gender and plurality at the bottom of this post).

I'm a dork with very VERY strong opinions that I am VERY VERY vocal about. If you do not share those opinions, that is perfectly fine and probably to be expected. Just know that I am very obnoxious about them, so you will see them a lot. I have a lot of confidence on my stances and it is very unearned! That said I'm always happy to actually discuss this stuff, and also perfectly understanding of people unfollowing over it! Never feel like you HAVE to follow me for whatever obligation. Curate your feed, damn it!

For the pronoun exceptions mentioned above, It/Its are my pronouns for most people. If you aren't willing to call me that, well, I can't stop you. Use whatever you want, but I will absolutely be judging you for it. Though there are some exceptions. For people I'm intimate with (Romantic partners and people I'm in a QPR with), my pronouns are It/She. If you work for my HRT clinic my pronouns are She/Her because like fuck am I risking my HRT just because my doctor doesn't understand my gender. If you are a coworker my pronouns are He/Him and also I don't have a tumblr, please block me immediately, for both of our sakes.

I have a NSFW sideblog. You can probably guess its name pretty easily. If you can't, I'm happy to give it to anyone brave enough to DM me or send me an ask off anon. In fact, you can ask me basically anything about my life and I'll happily answer. I'm a pretty open book like that.

Rambles

I tend to ramble about various things. Usually when I do, I tag it as #text essay. Sometimes about gender and my views on it, but also just... stuff in general. Here is a list of some of the general stuff. Its usually just stupid pointless stuff, but its a good look into how my brain works.

The Darkspore Rant (Long)

Pokemon Picross Monetization Model

Movement in VR

Time is Fake as Hell

Fighters Should Have Magic

Where I Stand in Regards to AI Art

Identity stuff:

Bespoke Genders (Part 1)

On Detransition (Part 2)

Plurality (Part 2.5)

Plurality and Being Transgender (Part 3)

Fandom shit:

Pokemon Eggs, and the Fundamental Nature of the Pokemon Multiverse (Long)

List of FFXIV OCs (LONG. Its also a recap of 4 years of weekly FC RP)

Posts others have made but are very relevant to me and who I am:

Back When I Was A Boy (Not every trans femme used to be a boy, but I did and that is important to me)

The Scorpion and The Frog (I desperately need to get a tattoo of a scorpion and a frog. I can't read this without crying)

Tags

#text essay - As mentioned above, I use this for when my rambles go very very very long. The ones I like the most or feel are important enough I also add to this pinned.

#Zenos ♥ - For the FFXIV Character that I am super normal about (lying).

#dnd hate train - A tag that exists for blacklisting purposes at the request of a close friend. As a designer, I fucking HATE Dungeons and Dragons. I hate it a lot. And I talk a lot about how much I hate it.

#laugh rule - For that age old tumblr rule: "If it makes you actually genuinely Laugh Out Loud, you have to reblog it."

#peer reviewed tags - another, more modern tumblr rule. If I screenshot someones tags to share them, I add this tag to it.

#dudes rock - Essentially, just a bunch of guys doing stuff that is just 'boys being boys' in the fun sense and not the rapey sense, but also just a reminder that the world is better with these dudes in it, and a way for me to find happiness is the masculinity that made my childhood miserable.

#partner gushing - For when I am being GAY AS HELL about my partners, or reblogging something and going 'its because of one of them'

#talking to myself and #talking about myself - Conversations between me and my alters, and talking about my relationships with my alters, respectively. More details here.

I also just... ramble in the tags. A lot. I just add so much commentary in the tags. You will see A LOT of rambles.

Full Disclosure

Pairing: Trans!Din x Trans!Reader, reader's specific gender is unmentioned just that they are transgender

Word Count: 700+

Warnings: Illusions to transphobia, concerns about romantic rejection, coming out

Summary: After you profess your love for each other, Din is holding something back from you. Turns out you have something to disclose too.

A/N: T4T love bby!!!! Anyways yes...I was really excited to make this version for other trans people <3 the original GN!reader version is still available here if you're interested

Trans!Din Masterlist

"Cyar'ika, I don't think I'm what you want…"

"I know what I want Din. I want you."

Even under the beskar he still felt your heavy gaze on him. Like you were peering through his soul and knew all his secrets.

"No I'm…I'm not like other men." He says avoidant of your gaze.

"I know about your creed. You can tell me more … if there are rules or anything." You sigh out dramatically "Din, I don't care if I never see your face…I just want to be yours!" You ramble on-

He hadn't had to say it aloud since he was a teen. He held no shame about his identity; it simply was a non-problem in his life. It didn't matter to the Mandalorians. It didn't matter at work. It didn't matter to the bounties, or his bosses, or acquaintances. Besides, who would challenge a fully armored Mandalorian?

"No- you don't und-"

"You said you loved me, right?" Tears prick in your eyes. "Don't you want to be with me?"

"Of course I do, but-"

But he never thought he'd get this far with you. Never knew how much could be at stake. He didn't know how to tell you. Knowing you might not like what you hear.

"Then why are you being all weird? Do you already have someone? Are you engaged or something? Is this a Mandalorian thing? Is it Gro-"

He'd seen it before…heard tales of it. Of how fast the heart can turn during this kind of disclosure. Fear filled every crevice of him, his body preparing for rejection.

Din puts his gloved hands on your shoulders, drawing your racing mind back to him. "I'm transgender." He says bluntly. He slowly pulls his arms back down to his sides, expecting you to walk out on him.

"This is when you run" he thinks. This is when you ruin him.

A silent pause sits between you two as Din awaits for the worse.

"Oh- Din…is …is that it?" You make a curious face at him. Any fear or anger at him gone, and replaced with empathy. "You think I wouldn't want you, because you're trans?"

The Mandalorian lowers his head in a nod.

They're not gone yet?

"Din, you know? You know I'm trans…right?" You ask, anxiety lacing your own voice. Unknowing of how he'll accept that information. It was no secret...just evidently not something that'd ever come up in your time together.

His brain freezes over. A million stars falling into place. "Of course you are…" that's why you understand him so well.

His head hangs a bit in embarrassment, blackened T pinned on the ground. "No…I didn't know."

Of all of the ways he's analyzed you. Digested you. Taken every last bit of you in…he missed that part of you. The part that made you so much like him. Though he's never felt a particular "pride" about it, on you it looks so beautiful.

"Cyar'ika?" Din repeats, slowly lifting his visor to you. "Tell me…" he reaches out a gloved hand, catching yours in his. "Tell me more?"

Despite a rush of heat flooding your face, you answer him. You could never deny him if you tried.

He clings to every word. Of your experience. Of how you felt. Your version of that too familiar tale. And in that moment he falls just a little more in love with you.

"That doesn't change anything for you? Does it?" You ask, a light waver in your voice. Though you were still assured of your own feelings, you couldn't read the mind of the man behind the beskar.

"No." He affirms, gloved hands encasing yours. "This changes nothing."

"How could it?" He thinks. When you're this daring. This brave. This beautiful. How could such a thing ever make him turn away from you?

You return his gesture with a smile. Glowing at his acceptance. "I love you Din." You peer up into the dark T of his helmet.

Din tilts his head, gripping onto your hand still in his. "And you still want me?" He asks, needing to hear your affirmation.

"Of course. You are the man of my dreams. Just as you are." You raise your other hand to his helmet. Your fingers tracing along the tip of his helmet.

The man of your dreams…just like that again. You peer through the beskar and see him as he is. You see him as a whole.

You swear you hear his voice crack through the modulator. "If you'll have me, Din Djarin. I'll be yours forever."