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rosekasa · 7 months

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20 questions for fic writers!

thank u @jattendschaton for tagging me 🥺 i love these questions

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

i have 107 on maketea, but with my um. two other accounts i have 128

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

on maketea i have 293,935, but with at least one of my other accounts (one of them is for ml and one of them for another fandom, the latter of which i cant be bothered to log in to rn shdjsk) the total is 313,681!!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

miraculous ladybug mainly! but i have also written for owari no seraph. ive written for other fandoms but im not counting it if i literally only have one work to my name for them HSJAJA with ons at least i have 3 on maketea and 12 on my other account

THEORETICALLY. i also write for sailor moon. i have a substantial amount in my google docs. they just havent manifested themselves into existence yet

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

apology gifts, like poles of a magnet, new marinette, a nine-year old (fhfjsj), and i'll marry you! ive actually had kudos/hits/comments stats hidden on ao3 since 2021 so i have no clue how many kudos any of these have which is very funny to me

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i try to but i always get distracted midway through going through my inbox which is totally on me fjdkka. i always decide to do it when im literally in the middle of class for whatever fuckin reason HAHAHA. i also always feel bad because im like 'oh i havent replied to this in literally two years im too embarrassed to reply now'

i also want to reply with more than just 'thank you' because comments mean SO MUCH TO ME but i think i psych myself out of replying because im too scared i won't be able to express it properly

im trying to resolve to get better at it!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

ehemememem. ya'aburnee.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

ooh, id say new marinette! in terms of like. the emotional arc or whatever

i was gonna say lpoam, but i think there's still a bit of lingering Sad there

8. Do you get hate on fics?

nope!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

i want to say no. but ive been writing fics for ten years now and i feel like i mustve done Something weird when i was younger

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not to my knowledge!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yep, for an old fandom on wattpad!

shdkska this is really funny, but back then i made a playlist for the fic, and i remember the person who translated it wrote in their translation of that chapter 'i wouldve done it differently but it's okay' that still makes me laugh

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yep, i did one for owari no seraph and one for ml! i have some others in the works tho hehe

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

guess

15. What's a WIP you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

oh hmm. i think i am delusional and believe all my wips will someday be finished HDJFJSJS so im changing this question to 'doubt you will in the near future'. for that, id say maybeeee my amnesia adrien fic. 40k words in the doc and babe is still marinating

16. What are your writing strengths?

hmm. i think im quite good at writing interactions! i mean, i like the way i write them at least. i love capturing the feeling of being with people and i think i do it well!

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

there's something that feels kind of hesitant when i read my docs sometimes? it feels like im worried to hit the point of the plot head-on and skirting around what i actually want to say. i think what i'm trying to do to improve is to be a bit more direct in my narration style and focus on being descriptive only when it's needed.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

ive done it before!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

oh i dont want to answer this. one direction

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

like poles of a magnet <3

tagging @destiny-with-you , @mozzygan , @asukiess , @ladyofthenoodle , and whoever else wants to do this!!! just say i tagged u when u do it hehe

#♡alizeh talks♡

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lowpolyshadow · 2 years

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sonic frontiers review go!!!! (non spoilers then MASSIVE spoilers under the cut) TLDR overall score: i would say it's an objective solid 8/10, but for me personally i just. i just had so much fun. 10/10

gameplay (combat/bosses) 9/10 gameplay (cybers) 6.5/10 gameplay (shmovement) 8/10

i fucking Love. Comboing Shit For Video Game Combat. it's Fun. it's Exciting. I Love That Shit. excellent combat system, i just wish either skills were harder to unlock or there were just more to unlock (preferably the latter i guess, but i can't think of anything i want ... added ... it's just that skill points are so easy to come by and i maxed out the tree pretty fast, so i have a bunch of excess points for nothing. tbf i have a LOT of excess EVERYTHING but)

bosses were fucking excellent. THE highlights imo. mob fights and stuff are fine, everything manages to be its own puzzle which i adore but mini bosses and bosses are the shit. the cyberlevels are fun genuinely but either too short to get into, have some jank physics in a couple of them, or . well some of them aren't that fun GJKLASDF but i didn't hate them! ive only played sa2 so i only recognized those ones + the Super iconic ones (chemical plant and all that) and that probably affects judgement since blind reacting to a sonic stage is the fun part imo

they're ridiculously easy (to... me at least) though. besides 1-2's s rank which i finally got, i was able to get all four missions done for every cyber level within one sitting ... on average like . 3 tries per i'd say (blind first, going back for any red rings or ring reqs, and then speed) with some taking a few more for speed but never more than like. 10-20 min tbh. in general i almost want a very hard mode bc the game overall was a very chill time, which is fine but sometimes i want my shit rocked

parries being Not timing based both threw me off (bc i would try to let go at the exact time when in fact you just hold it) and made them feel a little less ultra cool since sonic will just hold the parry for as long as ... you do, essentially (though there is heavy end lag on it so if you don't parry anything that's at least punished) it's a minor tryhard gripe where i wish there was like a PARRY parry i could toggle or smth

i like being sonic in a big environment it's just fun. the amount of fucked up shit you can do is great, he truly is a prime candidate for bigass open areas (and he controls pretty nicely, just got a couple weird moments and things like he goes into 'trick' mode too easily or some platforming things don't work the way they're supposed to bc you go too fast lol)

story…… 8.5/10 characters 10/10 i like them :)

character writing was absolutely the highlight for me this game, good banter, many quips, overall just characterization i adore and love to see i was well fed this game with my beloved little scrimblos it was a good time

the story itself went pretty hard ngl, a lot more lore than i expected and generally it was sonic taking its ridiculous plot seriously again which is all i wanted !!!! it's like somehow ridiculous but probably the most straightforward story they've done in a while, but that's not a bad thing. good story i pogged a few times

music 11/10 straight bangers they just don't fucking miss

i don't think i have much spoiler stuff i'd wanna say other than i genuinely think they hyped themselves too much at the start. like the gameplay was fun learning how it works, how movement goes, the setup and everything etc. etc. i always 100% the map first thing as soon as i can then go through for anything i need/pick stuff up along the way and then i do the boss fight

and that first boss fight. is so fucking sick. oh my god. i felt like. if i was 12 and played this and got to experience that boss fight the way i did now it would've literally changed the trajectory of my life. it DID change the trajectory of my life right now at 23 it was just pure hype, i was so giddy, i had the biggest fucking grin i was literally ready to physically pop off yelling LETS GOOOOO i just let the little tutorial popup chill while i head banged to the song like dear fucking god dude. INSANE intro they set the bar way too high off the bat

wyvern/second boss was perhaps my favorite mechanically just bc it really goes at you the most, you gotta react a lot and parry a lot to get through the fight which is Fun .... giganto/first boss tho. easily the most memorable experience in gaming that i've had in years. it was just so phenomenally done, probably biased bc it's the first one but shadow of the colossus-ing your way up to his fucking head to get the emerald, turn into super sonic, hear that FUCKING SONG

but this game has sonic be so fucking anime and that means knight/boss 3 easily has the best fucking finisher when sonic picks up a sword the size of the island itself and does the most anime cut in half shot he possibly can god it was so fucking SICK THIS GAME IS SICK SONIC IS THE COOLEST

the story weakness imo is the ending where they had so much build up but not a Ton of payoff, not even talking about sonic like essentially dying in soul/mind and then being revived with friendship (based tbh) but like the last boss fight and last islands just weren't nearly as cool as the others imo .... supreme was a lil similar to giganto and went by a lot faster than expected, probably bc by that point sonic's probably juiced up from upgrades (i went all in on attack no defense too lol sooo) ... i love a good bullet hell but i wanted a super cool super sonic fight, a hyper sonic fight, something that lets me go to town and see a fucking Spectacle

fun bullet hell but that wasn't what i'm HERE for (also finally hearing im here was sick but the fight itself really was so short/not quite as hard or anything innovative that it.... ehhh .... plus it was oddly quiet compared to the other songs i think, like, the sound mixing)

the ending feels a liiiittle rushed? The End is cool as a concept especially with how fucked up we know it is but i dunno, it really does feel like it blew the load a little too early and the ending just didn't live up to earlier hype/expectations

but it was still fun it just. it just didn't make me Feel the way giganto did, the way wyvern did, knight was where the hype started dropping off a liiiittle but knight was still a fucking SHOW where sonic beats a mf with his own shield AND THEN BLOCKS A SWORD BIGGER THAN MOUNTAINS WITH HIS OWN FUCKING HANDS THEN USES IT AGAINST HIM ITS' SIK IT'S SICK the final boss didn't have any truly THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME bits that really let you walk away going YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and that's the part they need to fix

also no boss rush :/ brings the score down tbh i want to relive these things so fucking bad

the character relationships were soooo good though i just. gughugh. i don't want to get emo again but GOD they're such good friends they love and care about each other, i'm obsessed with amy saying how sonic loves the world and he has so much love to show because it's true sonic just LOVES living he loves life he loves getting to just Be and

tails is growing up on him faster than he expected .... uuu ....

and the fucking SONIC AND KNUCKLES BAYBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH BUTTING HEADS SNARLING AT EACH OTHER LAUGHING AND GIVING FIST BUMPS AND TALKING SHIT THEY WERE SO GOOD YEAHYEAHYHEAY MOTEHRFUCKING KNUCKLES SWEEP BABY LETS GOOOO

god. so good. so fucking good. this is a game about love (sonic and his friends, eggman and sage of all people, the koco and their. selves? their history?, even chaos technically ....) and who am i if not a fucking Sucker for that shit. lets show that creep the real super power of team work

i did not actually hear vandalize in game yet because that is apparently only if you go into the final fight on easy or normal (i played to completion on hard exclusively) but the "true" ending song by nate goddamn wants to battle is INCREDIBLY sonic. one way dream is soooo reach for the stars/endless possibilities. it just makes me Feel happy. it's a little melancholic the way all of frontiers sort of is, but it's still hopeful and all about like. going forward. overcoming anything in your path and getting better for it and seeing the start of another new adventure and that sure is sonic the hedgehog

#none of this was coherent i just rambled a lot bc i really like this game #so good. soooo good. oh god man i'm going through it #im emo im so emo i'm never normal again #sonic frontiers #speaking

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spamton-addison · 10 months

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okay all the questions I can think of before I have to leave

1 general backstory overview?

2 pronouns?

3 favorite food, movie, snack, book, and person?

4 an object they really like

5 sexual/romantic orientation(s)?

6 how many friends do they have?

7 cursed by the visions or doomed by the narrative

8 are you interested in maybe them hanging out with my characters sometime maybe…….

9 does their name have a meaning?

10 are they yours or did you revamp them? (Or are they just a blorbo?)

11 do they like rain?

12 favorite tv show

13 old television colorbars? Yes or no?

14 touch tone telephone or rotary dial phone?

15 why do they stand out to you so much?

16 I am out of ideas. I will send more if I think of them and pls keep writing if you’d like/can

OKAY RAPIDFIRE LETS GO

1. sale is the oldest sibling of the addison family (hes 28 usually, but around 24 in some aus . hes always the oldest sibling though) he was happy once and then his best friend got cucked by a capitalist bastard which caused him to completely shut down emotionally in some fucked up misguided attempt to protect himself and his siblings from further harm its a whole thing . he is constantly overworking himself in order to avoid thinking about what happens and refuses to let himself cry ever

2. pronouns are he/him this man is CIS

3. favourite food: nothing i can think of specifically but he used to really like sour things and meat . he hates beef specifically though

favourite movie: he doesnt give himself time to watch anything recreationally. he probably wouldve liked deadpool/deadpool 2 if hed ever watched them though (sorry. my movie knowledge is limited and im projecting)

favourite snack: coffee is not a snack but it is to him . he probably ate coffee beans before the horrors as a joke

favourite book: he doesnt give himself time to read but he probably would like fantasy books . think like the dragon stones trilogy or eragon . also maybe the hunger games

favourite person: thatd either be his (missing) best friend Loveluck, his sibling Reverb (in aus where reverb exists) or his sibling Radio (in aus where radio exists)

4. he has this one specific pen that hes used for years and never throws away . he would rather spend a fuck ton of money getting ink specifically for this one pen than just buy a ton of new ones cheap . it is his favourite pen . otherwise he has a photo of him and his siblings he keeps in his room, but hes kept it facedown since the horrors (it hurts to look at)

5. hes aroace :D

6. anywhere between zero and maybe three . depends on the au

7. doomed by the narrative but also the narrative wants to save him . he is dead set on dooming himself . but also he suffers in nearly every au so i think that counts as doomed by the narrative

8. he doesnt get out much anymore and is kind of mean to most people but ABSOLUTELY . young sale (pre shutdown) is tolerable and a fun guy to be around probably

9. take a wild guess what the name Sale could possibly mean/silly

10. sale is my oc but he was Supposed to just be a generic yellow addison to act as the scapegoat . it got a little out of hand and now hes my everything

11. ya he likes the rain its grounding . when it rains is like the only time he lets himself take a break from work because he can just focus on the white noise of the rain . its nice to him . rain is actually one of the few things he likes now that he Didnt like before

12. he hates like everything to do with tv shows . probably the pokemon anime

13. possibly

14. touch tone . he has a personal vendetta against rotary dial phones

15. CLAPS HANDS TOGETHER. HE IS MY FAVOURITE COLOUR, HE HAS SPIKY TEETH, I PROJECT ONTO HIM AN ALARMING AMOUNT, IVE HAD HIM AROUND A YEAR AND A HALF AT LEAST BY NOW I THINK? HE STANDS OUT BECAUSE HES JUST SO FUNDAMENTALLY BROKEN IN A WAY UNIQUE TO HIM (and trust me there are a Lot of characters that are so fucked up around him) HE IS SO FULL OF CONFLICT AND FEAR AND HES PATHETIC AND ID LET HIM BE MY DAD BUT ALSO IM A LITTLE GAY FORHIM .

16. sale has like. two main character arcs to me, regardless of au . notably being his first arc, in which he digs himself into a terribly awfully deep hole, and his second arc being then realising he wants to get Out of it again . although in the aus where he Does get to heal he is never the same as he was before it all, he still heals and gets to move on with his life . even if it takes him literal years to get to a point where he can even start .

despite how poor his circumstances are (largely by his own fault but caused by the disappearance of loveluck) and despite how hard it is for him to keep going every day he never wants to die . he wants this hell to end but he doesnt want that end to be by dying . he wants to live . he wishes he still could . but he is so scared and he lets that fear control him and that is why he so routinely makes the shittiest decisions . he is trying his best but his best right now is terrible because of how centred he is on avoiding the past .

he means so much to me

#posts on discount (sale addison posting)#long post

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fenrisisms · 1 year

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i have always wanted to know more about riva but didn't know where to start, so riva for oc questions if you're down to answer them? pick your own adventure (questions to answer) version though. what's rotating in your brain that you want to textually chew on?

HI!!!! THANK U FOR THE ASK!!!!

honestly where to start for any of my ocs is just "tell me now" i can talk about my ocs for hours completely unprompted and prompted? oh boy. as riva is one of my most specialist little meow meows in the world this will probably be super long <333 soz in advance the mental illness is about to be unleashed

does your oc have siblings or family members in their age group? which one are they closest with?

yes :) amell warden canonically has four siblings but for character theme reasons i fridged them all offscreen, which riva knows because he spends the years after the blight and in between warden business hunting down any family he has left because he's curious. he got records of the hawkes in lothering pretty early on but just assumed they died at ostagar (he was there, he knows lots of people Did That and hes sooooo so mad that he was in proximity and missed them) until several years later when he gets a letter from zevran that's like My Man You Are Never Gonna Fucking Believe This

anyway for like. age group. he's born in 9:11 dragon which makes him the same age as his cousin carver hawke, but younger than his cousin graham the champion of kirkwall hawke, which is a fact not known to graham the champion of kirkwall hawke until after he has spent like two years following this guy around on the assumption he is in fact older and thus wiser than him. graham does not take this news well.

anyway all of that to say he is very close to both gray and carver because they are the only family he has left and he really, really treasures them. he and gray have an especially close relationship as people who have taken on tremendous burdens and who feel alone in carrying them.

what kind of childhood did your oc have?

so he's the youngest amell sibling right [ignoring bioware's implications to the contrary] and so he's just a baby when amell sr dips from kirkwall with the kids and he's also quite a bit younger than his older siblings (he's 19 at the start of origins, his siblings are edith [30, kirkwall], ewan [27, ansburg], caspian [25, ostwick] & pippa [23, starkhaven]. yes i have thought about this a normal amount) so he's still just a toddler when the last of his siblings manifest their magic and his dad goes okay. ive had enough of this dude. rows his ass across the lake and dumps him at the tower because of course That One Is Going To Be A Mage Too and then he just. disappears.

so anyway riva doesn't really remember a life outside the circle because he's been there since he was like. three. and that has impacted his life in sooo many ways. on one hand he gets a lot of leniency because like. half the people in that tower Raised him, yknow? he was there for at least five years before his magic manifested and even after the switch the templars who were already grooming him for templar training still can't quite let go of the child they remember from Before. ofc that doesn't win him any friends because everyone he's supposed to be like is aware that if he hadn't been one of them, he'd be one of them. he's genial enough to fit in everywhere but he also belongs nowhere. i could talk about this specifically for hours but tldr same idea as sending a gay kid to catholic school to make them less gay. doesn't work at all how u think it's gonna <3

what relationship/s have had the most influence on them?

1000% irving is the single greatest influence on riva. greagoir can claim a little bit of credit as irving's opposite. whatever they are. but a lot of the way riva approaches life is from having witnessed how irving does it. irving is a surrogate father to riva and he is one of the best examples riva has of a mage who lives a successful (relative) life so of course he's going to emulate whatever the fuck he's doing and well. he is a prodigy after all :)

there's plenty of other people who had influence on his life. wynne. zevran. leliana. anders, even (the anders relationship is so. So. but there's not really any questions where i can discuss whatever the fuck was happening there) buuut the only one i really want to mention is cullen <3

i fell into the trap of trusting bioware to have their once per game banger moment and i. should not have. but unfortunately for me i love to look at bad writing and go "i could fix her" even if the character should NOT be fixed. anyway somtimes ur thirteen and you meet some random blonde kid while you're breaking into the templar libraries and you don't even know this meeting is going to irreversibly shape your beef with the chantry and also you're going to be hung up on this pathetic wet rat of a man for the next ten years despite being ferelden's most eligible bachelor. he is the most normal and well adjusted hero of his worldstate. i would say sorry to riva for inflicting whatever this is on him but i'm not really. i would say sorry to RIVER who has to endure me going insane about quite possibly the biggest L of a ship i have. but i am also not <3

how quick is your oc to trust someone else?

deceptively slow! he is really personable and charming, but he's also grown up in an environment where loyalty is transactional and he operates on the basis that the second he is no longer useful to someone, in whatever way he quantifies being useful to someone, then he is no longer in a position of power. so as you can imagine him and zevran interacting for the first few months is a Trip for both of them. and that is why they are now best friends forever <3 he gets better after being free of the circle for a while when he realizes some people are not having to play 8 dimensional chess to stay alive but in general he is very good at making people feel close to him even though he has thought of 16 escape strategies, at least 9 of which involve outright murder. he contains multitudes.

opinion on the chantry?

kind of combining multiple questions here but he understands the importance of religion or at least some conviction or belief in your life. something to bring you comfort when times get hard. something you can turn to when nothing else makes sense. he also thinks the chantry as an institution needs to be systematically dismantled and ground into the dust below his heel. he also grew up in a position where he watched the chantry change people he knew and cared for in irreversible ways. he is very sympathetic to anyone he views as victim to chantry exploitation (extremely broad category) and his preferred method of destruction is violent kindness. he is so nice and empathetic. even when people do not deserve it. if he can make people feel conflicted about being a cunt to him he wins. he will haunt your narrative for the rest of time. this is a threat and a promise. you meet him once you will think about him every day for the next 15 years and maybe THEN you'll have a chance at getting better, but probably not. he has staying power like that.

in what situation was your oc the most afraid they’ve ever been?

absolutely fighting the uldred abomination. there is just so much going on. uldred was one of the senior enchanters that riva didn't particularly like, but he's always been a part of riva's life. irving's life depends on him. in many ways, cullen's life depends on him even though he knows cullen wants him dead (and that hurts in ways he can't even begin to process). wynne, who has also been a staple of his life is depending on him. so many people he knew and cared for are dead, and all his prodigal talent couldn't stop that. he has a scar from getting fully run through in that fight because he was dealing with So Much. everyone assumes it's from the archdemon and he just lets them because he has so many Feelings about that whole thing and honestly he's fine with no one knowing how personal that is to him.

and that is all i will answer for now because i am. afraid of the size of my scrollbar in my peripheral vision. thank u so much for asking again. made my day! <3

#socksism #riva amell #ocs #ask and answer tag

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aamethyst000 · 20 days

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Boredom (May 7,24 2:35pm)

I woke up at 12:50pm today, instead of in the morning, like i wanted but is okie. i can still work on waking up somewhat early. im feelig lazy now, i dont want to do anything or even think of what to make for dinner for tonight. i just wish mum can start cooking again but her artheritis keeps getting worse and worse every year. my little brother is learning how to cook, thankfully. even though he is being taught by just me, itd be nice if my mother can get in on teaching him too, insteas of just giving up so easily after having a third child (technically forth but i wont get into that right now).

I have been trying to find the papers for my name change and i cannot find it. im starting to get upset about it. my little brothers ID was a whole ass year late coming in, but since we went to rupert, they are making sure that the card is making it to the village here. i did not think that my name chane will be this difficult. i find it annoying, but i am tearing up my room trying to find my papers to send back to the agency. at the same time, i am very nersous about this name change. like, im going to have to tell any person i bump into, my name change and pronouns. it makes me feel like i want to shut down again, but then the feeling of letting these people win over the fact that its "easier" and more benificial for them to call me by my dead name. i almost just want to use up the rest of my money just to move out of here and start anew with my life. i so badly want that in my life, but this is a slow process that i can tolorate and my stubbornness can push through. I do want to mention though, ever since i found out that i have been trans almost all of my life when i didnt know that i can identify as 2spirit, rather than just choosing one gender binary over the other. all my life i have been calling myself a tomboy even though im not a famale or male. ive noticed that i tend to avoid mention that i identified as a woman/girl for a very short amount of my life. i never corrected anyone when i was mistaken as a man/boy for like a split second. i prefer to be a genderless blob and not to be precived as a person or just precieved in general lmao that would be nice, or be a cat living out there in the world or as a domesticated cat living the high life.

11:27pm - we just had fries for dinner tonight, which is fine. thankfullly i didnt have to do much other than fry uup our din din. now i am just watching the metal family on youtube <3 i fckn love this youtube show. glam and dee are my favourite charaters <3 they are the reason why i came back to rock and metal bands, along with punk but i think that is a givin lmao

i know ive said this before but i really like writing my journal entries here on the laptop. i really love this. not to mention the fact that i can write whatever i want and whener i feel like it. even whe i cant sleep at night. it really does help me. i seriously wish we had a cafe here. not one that is directly connected to the rec centre or right inside the gymnaisium. im going to be 26 next month and i have a proper excuse to not be around any children. i dont like them, they are loud, messier than the adults and and too much for me to personally handle. so i tend to stay home a lot. not to mention that they are loud (i know i already mentioned that, i just said it again for good measure). anyway, this would be a good time for me to live in town. mainly in prince george. thats where id like to be at least, if i end up in rupert, that will be a good place to start. i would just have to put up with bumping into my so called father. fucking alcholic bitch ass, women beater. hes been my main motivation to not drink so much, thankfully. as well as my own little fear of drinking too much. so, either way, i guess i thank him for motivating me not to drink, while my mother and all my other fmaily members have unintenionally helped me decide that i deffinitely do not want kids of my own. i guess thats where my dislike of children came from, to be honest. anyway, i think im going to make this journal entry short tonight. i didnt do much today and didnt do much of thinking. sat and watched a bunch of episodes of 3 differents shows i really love. Have a good night, readers~

#happy #lgbt #2spirit #journalist #journal #lgbtq #they/them #journalist amethyst000 #journal entry

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jupitercl0uds · 4 months

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ive just been reminded of stuff oh no

if youve read most of my posts since like mid august, maybe september onwards, youll know that i am STRUGGLING rn. while its been all over the place, having highs and lows, i seriously havent been this bad since 2020/21. i know the reasonable thing to do is take a break, but i cant do that because i have pitiful impulse control atm. that being said, the only thing to really stop me is to deactivate. my main blog's been going for years now, so i dont want to lose everything, though i also get the urge to occasionally.

the issue is, the only times i actually feel almost fully comfortable in a social circle is on tumblr and even then im still scared and awkward. my school friends keep saying really hurtful stuff and while a lot of it is just as a joke, theres almost no time to be serious with them. ive tried. i weakly asked them to stop calling everything retarded more months before finally putting my foot down and demanding, although it took a month of 'retard! whoops, i shouldnt say that' before they just went straight back to it.

my family loves me but i dont like it here. i dont think i even can get into it because its complicated. just know ive seen and HEARD a lot over my short life and its finally starting to catch up to me.

as for the other kids in my school, im in an awkward spot. im honestly fairly 'normal', just with slight outbursts from time to time, but ive always been weird so i always will be. oh, year 9 me, how naïve you were. they don't care if you have an autism diagnosis, if you mask or not, you will NEVER be normal, you will NEVER be accepted and they dont care if theres a reason. if anything, that makes it worse.

im only ever happy when im on tumblr or doing something sonic related. on tumblr, im insecure that nobody really likes me or someone's going to manipulate me, with no amount of reassuring being enough to change that. and as youve already seen me say, sonic is 'too childish', no matter how heavy the themes can be.

this always happens. pre-2020, i didnt really use social media much and i was 11 oldest, so my main escape was roblox/youtube. in 2020-22, i was only happy when chatting to friends on discord. that was ruined when we all started to argue and drift apart. in 2022-23, it was tiktok. this was then ruined when popular kids found my silly waluigi tiktoks and started sharing them around. i havent used tiktok since june and i havent posted a public video since may.

but then, last year, i remembered i had a tumblr account. i started to use it more. and then, when sonic got involved and suddenly i was becoming friends with people, i started to feel my absolute happiest. i was euphoric.

until, of course, my brain struck.

if my birthday werent at the end of august, i think i would be much worse than i currently am, because at least i had a short break to be happy. school was off to a bad start from the very beginning. i didnt sleep the night before my first day, nor did i sleep before the second. what's worse, mum didn't let me stop working at the charity shop i had THOUGHT was for the summer, because, you know, i dont have anything on my plate, im able to just have a designated day of the week where i have to be productive. nope! ive had my days off, but ive still had work every week. is it hard? no! do i have the spoons to go most weeks? also no!

thats not to mention exams. ive always been a well performing student and will be surprised if i fail even 1 gcse, but im not the top of any of my classes, not even the ones im passionate about. no, i dont have to be, i know, but when you grow up as a kid who often IS the top of their year in something, the moment you aren't, you feel like a failure. even if i get all 9s and a d* in drama, there'll be someone who gets more than me in something, and i know i definitely wont get all 9s and a d* in drama. i was proud for a moment, for being top of english, until i found out a girl ive known since primary got a 9 in an english language mock. english language. my favourite english and the subject im best at. needless to say, i was miserable. i barely even slept across the course of my mocks and wont be surprised if i do the same for my gcses.

i sometimes wonder if im just not built for the world, which could honestly be the case. because i have low support needs and my biggest problems are sensory issues (which can be easy to prevent) and social problems, i forget im even allowed to be disabled by autism. but i think that honestly might just be the case.

ive always wanted to be a teacher or an animator, hopefully both, but im starting to wonder if i can do either. animator has such a big workload. teacher also has a big workload, but i know because my family is full of teachers and artists that it's the kind of workload i can manage. but the kids? could i control the kids? could they even take an autistic, nonbinary teacher seriously? again, i dont have high support needs, but its hard not to notice im autistic. of course, if everything goes to plan, i would probably start teaching in the 2030s earliest, 2050s latest, so the world will have changed, but how much?

i get most of these are problems out of my control, but i suppose im just scared and tired of living. that's why i make a million posts a minute: i cant get a word in edgeways with anyone else. that's why i get so apologetic: id get ridiculed for trying otherwise. i get that im annoying and boring. i should know. when i was 3, my dad infodumped about back to the future to me for about half an hour and it was such a tiring experience that it still gets brought up. so i get it, it's annoying when all i care to talk about is sonic. but its the one thing i can care about right now. the world is in ruin and i hate being alive. i dont even have enough motivation to act upon any occasional suicidal/self harming thoughts.

but life goes on and there's no way to stop it.

#spouting to the void #whoops accidental vent #if you think ive proofread this youre sorely mistaken

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bellocan · 5 months

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hiii 1, 9 and eleven for relationship asks!!

1. do you prefer pure, innocent romantic interactions or do you prefer obsession and possession? or maybe a mix of both as long as it's relatively healthy and consensual?

ive never really had anyone like me to the point of obsession and possession! but i think id like a mix of both. i like cute and romantic gestures like leaving little flirty love notes or getting flowers or being incorporated into their creative pieces in some manner. there was a girl in high school that liked me that would refuse to leave my side when i was being dumb and isolating myself in the cold. and she'd keep my hands warm with hers. and she'd share an earbud with me and let me listen along with her. i didnt appreciate it back then but it melts my heart reflecting now.

after. my last relationship though. i also want to have zero doubts about the long haul so a little healthy possessiveness would give me a little reassurance! i want to indubitably be someones partner... i like feeling like im theirs and theirs only.

9. what was your longest ever relationship? how and why did it end?

my longest relationship is my first and only. it was ldr and it lasted about 4 and a half years. and i was engaged to them actually. had a nice little intimate christmas proposal in private and everything where i started off with christmas presents and led up to the ring!

in her own words, before she ghosted me, the relationship ended because "nothing has changed between us." she didnt feel like either one of us were growing. despite her finally working and being able to support herself somewhat. and despite me giving all my effort to address our pain points. although a lot of her pain points were nebulous due to fact of them solely involving just how she felt... and of course no matter what a person does, the other will simply feel how they feel. i would assure her that meaningful growth takes time and that measurable growth isnt instantaneous. i feel like she wanted to see her living conditions and her life in general change completely in a short amount of time.

in my own opinion, the relationship started falling apart about halfway through. she reached a point where she said she felt emotionally numb potentially as a result of her meds and couldnt feel intimacy anymore and didnt want to be intimate. i asked her to clarify since physical intimacy isnt my only want in a relationship and isnt even a deal breaker. and she said she wasnt sure. womp womp. despite her saying those things she ended up in bed with one of her university friends/flings. she said that she "just let him share the bed with her since he didnt have a place to sleep and nothing happened between them." and nah i dont quite buy that one bit anymore. especially since her roommate found the need to message me about it. there were a million different solutions she could have went with and she chose the worst one willingfully. at this point i tried breaking up with her or at least go on break. and she more or less guilted me into staying by accusing me of just wanting physical intimacy and sex lol... projecting much... from that point on forward i still put in as much effort as i could muster. but emotionally i was definitely colder. i definitely wasnt as vocal about my love. and then covid hit and the distance became greater. and it looked like it was getting back on track when the travel ban lifted and she stayed with me at my apartment for a month. and i actually believed that it was getting back on track at that point despite feeling uncertainty. and then she drops the break up a few months after blindsiding me.

11. describe your ideal type of romantic interest!!

i love creatives! whether theyre dancers or singers or writers or musicians or artists! i. feel like i have many types... i like confident passionate direct girls... ive been enamored by an architecture major whose hard work was both inspiring and. attractive. i would also put the girl at work i call texas girl in this category. watching her fiddle with components and be determined to resolve issues in any way she can... is attractive. i also like shy quiet. cutesy girls. mellow and sweet. i guess my ideal type would be someone confident and bold and direct... but can also be shy and sweet in private? someone thoughtful and kind. someone thatd make me feel supported and secure and undeniably loved. my love languages are words of affirmation and quality time!!! my romantic interest would be patient and mindful. and we would work as a couple to fix issues instead of shifting blame.

#thanks for asking me!!! v appreciated #ask #luckysyndrome #hope i didnt ramble too much!!!

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fraener · 6 months

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11/15/23

things coming to gentle heads...finally put an end to the fighting with h for now. told him i'd been reflecting on how much we fought through the relationship and told him if he keeps treating me so mean over nothing i've done wrong i'll leave him. got some of my parts organized in therapy, been dreaming vividly of the past, feeling weak and slow through the days. this evening feeling the reconciliation of my lovers from the past couple of years....ive had so, so many beautiful lovers. i loved almost all of them, almost all of them broke my heart. ive been looking for my inspirations lately, looking for the pieces of my heart that ive forgotten, looking for my passion again. i feel like ive been in the dark for the past few years, acting behind my own back. now i am waking up in this life and trying to traverse back into the light. where have all of my lovers gone? one moved to ny, one back to the city, several stayed right where they were but left my life for reasons they never bothered to explain, one moved south from north, two are current but unattainable in some strange way at the same time. i feel really sad the last few days and today about all the people who have come and gone in my life. bittersweet i guess. its hard to reconcile the amount of people ive loved so fiercely with the incongruently minute number of people who have stayed to be loved for longer than a moment. im missing milo lately. i miss all of them. what's to be done about that? i want relationships to last longer than that. ive never had my heart as thoroughly broken as i did by that relationship but then somehow the subsequent smashings that followed have almost nearly stomped out my ability to love at all. or at least, it feels like that at times. my heart leaps here and there, just for a beat or two, then i remember what its like when the rest follows. my surface feels marred and furrowed, i need time to be smoothed out by something again. abstinence, true love, commitment to my work, anything. i wanna look back closely at my time here. i wanna love everything ive done. i wanna make this last year count for something. i wanna make music again and magic again and masks again. i need a vacation for my introspection.

of course right after this a stumbling series of coincidences where i unblocked milo on stuff since i dont think he uses it anyways and ian came back onto inst. ....for the first time in years i saw his face, forgot what he looked like. both of them were delightfully ugly which made them both really beautiful. ive had to really abandon that part of my life in order to move on but im feeling like i want to walk back into the house and see what i left behind and the evidence of what happened again. so much of me is trying to walk back to walk forward right now.

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1-800-seo · 3 years

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1-800-SEO presents: — Where Is My Mind?

genre: dystopia/slight angst/escapism

pairing: Johnny Suh/Gender Neutral Reader

warnings: IV’s/needles, intravenous use of narcotics, bad coping mechanisms, alcohol use, depictions/descriptions of poverty to a degree, implied sexual activity, dreams

word count: 2506 words

in affiliation with: @127-mile ‘s

drive in fic collaboration

summary: Based in a future where your wildest dreams can be lived in for a few hours through intravenous methods, vices and virtues blur. Scraping by is all you can do, and escapism is all you live for. Maybe that will change when you meet him. (Loosely based on Inception.)

The familiar haze of mental fog clouds your mind, it coats the edges of your thoughts like a viscous syrup. You find yourself in a wheat field, the golden crops stretching for as far as the eye can see ahead of you. The swirling breeze passes over your hands and you feel it tickle, a sensation you’ve not felt in a long time. After taking a crisp piece of the surrounding plants into your hands, you feel each and every texture it offers with a fingertip. It’s not like you’ve ever touched real wheat before, you want to imprint it to memory. With the piece of crop still in your dominant hand, you turn your head, body following its arc too, and your eyes meet a cottage. The building just exudes a comforting energy, it's homely even when your real home is nothing alike. The trees that are positioned off to the side of the cottage provide the right amount of shade, one side of the house has full direct sunlight and the other is gently shaded, but in a comforting way. You drop the wheat and make your way over to the cottage. As you make your way up to the front door, following the perfectly placed path, you take in the smell of the decorative flowers that adorn the surrounding gardens. The smell of real flowers is something you’re not used to. Finally upon reaching the door, you outstretch your hand to grasp the door handle. The moment your skin makes contact with the sun-heated metal, a blinding hot white shoots across your vision, and pulls you out.

Waking up is never easy, but it’s not like you’re not used to it. The moment you open your eyes you are met with the same dingy apartment as almost every other wake up. Your arms feel weak from lack of circulation as you reach across to pull out your IV. It doesn’t sting, you’ve done this so many times, it’d be surprising if it did. As your eyes adjust to the light you start to make out the time, it’s displayed on the heads up view of your plexi-wall, and reads 11:36PM. Stars, it’d been 7 hours since you last ate, and your body is definitely letting you know as it starts to wake up from its lulled state. You shift your wobbly legs away from the crusty office chair you were sitting on and begin to make your way over to the food dispensary. You hold your palm over the sensor as a silver sachet slides out and into your palm. You make quick work of depositing its contents into a bowl and mixing it with hot water, your hunger spurring you to be swifter.

Before you know it, all of the food has been devoured, your stomach full, and the night is ready to be conquered. You have no desire to leave the flat, nothing calling you besides money to leave the (lack of) comfort of your home. But of course, money always beats out desire, and so you hastily put on your shoes and proofed jacket, grab your safety umbrella and backpack, and leave. Things had to be paid for, and your credits were seriously running low, if you wanted to continue with your expensive hobby, it meant scrounging. You’re not dumb, you knew that daydreaming wasn’t a cheap, safe, respectable, or even remotely healthy hobby to have, but at this point it was escapism, freedom from pain, and so you’d do anything for that sweet peace.

Once you’re at street level, you put up your umbrella. At this point it’s better to be safe than sorry, the acid rain warning that you saw on your dash ringing out in your memory. It never used to be like this, acid rain was once unheard of, but in the last ten years pollution came to the point that even the water cycle couldn’t be trusted. That’s the joys of living in urban scum, you think to yourself. Your ears register the faint sounds of sizzling rain droplets on your umbrella and you're grateful for it now. Your pace quickens, and after a blur of around 20 minutes walk, you arrive at your workplace.

Workplace was definitely too light of a word to call the building that stands before you. The imposing structure juts out into the dark with brightly coloured lights on its each corner, signalling its presence, as if it was easy to miss without the lights. The commonplace sound of thumping bass echoes about the street for meters, and it only gets louder as you walk up the stairs and into the building. A sign reading ‘Sondaero LivingSpaces’ greets you, but you know full well the people here are barely living. Oh no, this type of place is home to some of the most prolific daydreamers; well, the most prolific for the underground scene. You step through a set of large doors and out into the main courtyard. It’s an indoor park, filled with neon bioluminescent plants, and jarringly placed speakers. If this was any other establishment, the sea of ravers surrounded by people daydreaming on cot beds would be jarring to you, but you’re so used to it that you couldn’t care less; or more so, you’re plainly desensitised to it.

You find your way out onto the dancefloor and surround yourself with people - the more people the better, it just makes your job easier. Safely hidden in the palm of your hand is a biometric chip you crafted yourself. Implants are a little drastic in your opinion, especially when cosmetic, but this was a necessary thing to you considering it earnt you money. The function of the chip worked like this: every person is assigned biometric numerical values by the government of their country, this is to make controlling their finances easier without having a physical device like a debit card or a mobile phone. Instead each user is assigned these numerical values based on their facial bone structure, and the chip's job was to scan this using minute sensors. All you had to do was simply wave your hand in the direct vicinity of their face, and await results - those results being the chip draining their bank account of credit and depositing it into yours. The waving part is complicated in normal use, but when at a club, where wild dancing is the norm, it makes hand movements so much less conspicuous. As you imagine the small amounts of money gradually making its way into your account a man approaches you to your side.

The guy has long-ish dark brown hair, with eyes of the same colour and a tall stature. He begins dancing near you, slowly moving closer and closer towards your vicinity. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t attracted to this man, he was objectively good looking, and the smirk he was wearing on his face was hard to ignore. Before you know it, he’s leaning in your ear and shout-whispering: “hey, do you wanna get a drink with me, angel?” The confidence in him to skip all normal greetings is astounding to you, but in some ways that makes him even more attractive to you, so you whisper-shout back “yeah!” and lead him over to the bar by the elbow.

After you have a few drinks in you, dancing becomes thoughtless, and swaying and grinding on the nameless man is even easier. “Yo, what’s your name?” You ask over the pulsing beat. His response is a finger trailing up your spine with the words ‘Johnny’ leaving his lips. Maybe those disquieting thoughts aren’t only silenced by daydreaming, maybe this could be another outlet. That thought curls in your mind, the wispy tendrils of a coherent thought fading like a misty night.

A few more drinks in your systems leads you to going home with the man, but your memories fade away as the night (or should you say early morning?) carries on. It passes by in a blur and the next thing you know you’re being startled awake by a cat sitting on your chest, with an unearthly headache.

Once you finally manage to extricate yourself from the cat’s grasps, you sit up and immediately notice the sleeping form of Johnny next to you on the tatami, his chest rising and falling with each breath. As quietly as you can, you tiptoe up off the tatami floor, acknowledge the ache throughout your entire body and move towards his kitchenette for a glass of water. Unbeknownst to you, Johnny apparently has a rudely noisy water purifying outlet attached to his faucet, and it decides to make itself known the moment you hover your palm over the on sensor. Johnny quickly stirs awake at the noise, and he sleepily opens his eyes in your direction.

“Wha-what’s going on?” He asks, squinting as his dark eyes adjust to the light. “Oh, I’m sorry, I was just trying to get some water.” You respond, tottering back over to the tatami, glass of water in hand. “Um, I’m sorry, I don’t really remember much of last night, did we uh- what did we do?” You’re aware your question was haphazard, but the incessant hangover looming in your head has your thoughts less than clear.

“If you are wondering if we had sex, the answer is yes, but the only thing I remember is waking up covered in… unsavoury stuff...so that certainly was a way of knowing how. I also know that apparently at some part of the night we decided to dream ‘cause I had to tidy up the gear earlier, but to put any worries at bay, I’m clean and vaccinated so...yeah.” He finishes the end of his sentence, trailing off. Well, at least the mystery man is somewhat of a gentleman, and he’s not gonna give you anything nasty which is always a good thing. You realise his late night cleaning must’ve turned to yourself at some point considering you are somewhat dressed and clean, but you can’t find it in you to care, you’d come to this shameful point so what did a bit of aftercare matter.

“Oh ok, and thanks for letting me know. I’m clean and fully vaccinated too.” You respond, unsure how to act around him. Perhaps he feels your apprehension, and in answer he pats a spot on the tatami next to him, just away from his cat too. You make your way over to the spot, feet padding on the floor as you go. “Your cat’s cute, they decided to sit on my chest this morning. Despite knocking the breath out of me, they’re pretty charming.” Johnny’s eyes widen at this knowledge before throwing his head back and letting out a hearty laugh. It’s somewhat comforting to hear such a genuine laugh; it takes your mind off the world of insincerity around you.

“I apologise for Ten, he gets cuddly in the mornings.” Johnny picks up his cat to give you more space, Ten’s legs sprawling wide in the air before being put down to safety.

There’s something so warm and familiar about Johnny’s presence, it has you naturally leaning into him, and his arm comes to rest around your shoulders as your head gently leans on his chest. The feeling is just so warm and despite knowing you don’t know him well, it almost feels like you do. It feels like a lover long lost, and now he has returned a warm feeling spreads throughout your chest. It’s almost inexplicable, and if you were to try to justify it to anyone other than yourself, a wave of embarrassment would certainly wash over you.

Looking down at you, he meets your eyes, and they seem somewhat fond; not what you were expecting to see. “Do you fancy dreamin’?” He asks, still maintaining eye contact? “Hmm, sure, hopefully I’ll remember it this time.” You reply with a smile and he reciprocates.

Before you even open your eyes you’re met with the sensation of skin on skin. Beneath your fingertips you feel, what you suppose is a firm chest, and when you open your eyes your suspicions are confirmed. Your hands are resting on Johnny’s taut chest, and of course this is what an unscripted dream with the two of you looks like. You feel that you are naked too, and his hands rest gently around your waist, a relaxing gentle weight reassuring you he’s still there. You meet each other’s eyes and the tension is palpable in the air. He dips his head down and kisses you, lips melting together with ease. His hands move from their placing and trail down to cup the small of your back, your bodies meeting infinitely closer.

The two of you move together like jigsaw pieces slotting into place, there’s no conscious thoughts, only the two of you existing in this dream space. Part of you can feel Johnny’s thoughts swirling as you share the hazy unstructured scape. There’s hints of lust mixed with a sleepy mindset, probably left over from waking up moments ago in the real world. He’s set on being a lazy lover right now, selfishly devouring you with no haste in any of his actions, just taking these moments for himself. He can feel your thoughts just as much as you can feel his, he knows you’re feeling relaxed with him and he’s pleased at that, he knows how good you feel right now and he’s proud. He wants to use all of this time to make you feel good. You’re both in agreement that losing yourself in each other is ever so easy, and so you both fall into the other's grasps.

The second time you wake up, Ten is resting on your feet, warming them from the slight chill of the room. Johnny had roused quicker than you, and he’d already removed the IV from your arm. You spot him winding up the fluid bags and putting them into the insulated case they reside in. “How are you feeling?” He asks whilst disposing of the needles in the marked sharps box. “Good, lighter than usual. I’ve enjoyed spending time with you, albeit mostly imaginary.”

The floaty feeling remains in the forefront of your consciousness. Despite feeling lighter, less burdened, you’re aware that you need to change your vices. Constantly daydreaming, forming relationships through them, isn’t healthy. Continuous escapism isn’t a way to live; numbing yourself over and over again won’t solve anything. With a new fervor to gain meaning in your life, you rise from your place on the tatami. “What are your plans for today, John?” You ask, perhaps vices and meaning aren’t that different from each other.

long time no see! this is my penultimate fic :(( hopefully u guys enjoyed it! I know it’s not like my usual style and is somewhat offbeat but I hope it makes sense hehe <3

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havin-a-wee · 3 years

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Stars Align

pairing: harry styles x y/n

warnings: fluff, ig you could consider it angst but its really just mysterious

word count: 2k

hello! i apologize for kind of disappearing, my fic rec account has kind of blown up and ive been super busy with that.

this is my entry for @sweetlygolden 's Harry On Holiday Challenge! i chose strangers in the same city, and the line prompt “That is the worst sunburn I’ve ever seen.” i honestly already have a part 2 planned out but we'll see how it goes!

“How much longer are you going to stare at that pretending like it’s interesting.”

Her soft voice surprised him, and he whipped his head around to see who had been speaking to him.

For the first time in a while, Harry was able to get away for a little. Of course, he travels a lot for work, but this was the first vacation since he can remember where he was alone, doing whatever he pleases. He chose Italy for this special occasion, because it’s always been one of his favorite places, and he missed the freedom of wandering around the boot shaped country without a care in the world.

The day's adventures had brought him to La Galleria Nazionale d’Arte Moderna e Contemporanea, which is a museum that he's been wanting to see for quite some time. He started the day off by getting a cappuccino and a crespelle from a wonderful little cafe down the street from his hotel.

Right afterwards he walked to the museum, taking in the sights around him on the 20 minute trek to his destination. Before the woman behind him snatched his attention, he was staring at a painting of an abstract house. The house was only painted in blue, and the artist had used the different shades and tones of the color to create the details in the painting.

He had been staring at it for a good amount of time, which he assumed is what prompted the stranger to talk to him.

It’s his 3rd day on the trip, leaving him 4 more until he has to be back in L.A. for work. He has no plans, no schedules, no job to do. It’s just him and the world. At least, that’s what he assumed it would be. The vacation is supposed to be a solo one, however, he’s currently staring at a stranger that decided to speak to him. And for some reason, he is drawn to her. Compelled to spend time with her after just a simple sentence was spoken between the two of them.

When he fully turns around she jumped, a bit startled by his bright red complexion. “That is the worst sunburn I have ever seen!”

It was true, Harry had managed to get himself a nasty burn on the first day in Italy. He usually tans instead of getting a sunburn, but when you’re used to the dreary weather of the UK, it can be hard to forget how strong the sun is in other places.

So he had laid out on the beach and fell asleep, waking up a few hours later with tomato red skin and a burning sensation covering the exposed skin.

“That’s what happens when y’fall asleep on a beach in Rome,” he chuckled, smiling awkwardly at the woman before him.

She’s beautiful, there is absolutely no denying that. She was wearing a simple spaghetti-strap black dress that cut off right at the knee. There were no designs, no embellishments, just a black dress that hugged her figure perfectly. Her lips have a deep red lipstick smeared across them, and he couldn’t help but notice how the color complimented her skin tone. Her simple black pumps completed the outfit, and her hair was tied back in a loose ponytail, with a few of the front strands falling out of the hair tie and framing her face.

“I’d assume so.” Her demeanor is serious, even though there's a smile on her face. She’s…..intimidating?

Harry hasn’t been intimidated by anything since he was a teenager. Once you perform in front of thousands of screaming people, who also happen to idolize you, things don’t tend to phase a person anymore.

But for some reason, her presence caused butterflies to fly around in his stomach, a feeling he hasn’t felt in a long time. He actually enjoyed the feeling, it reminded him of when everything was normal.

What also reminded him of normality was the fact that she seems to not have the slightest clue of who he is. If she does, she’s sure as hell good at hiding it.

“You’ve been looking at the same painting for 10 minutes, just wanted to make sure you hadn’t fallen asleep.” A small laugh escaped her lips, and the noise agitated the fluttering butterflies residing in his tummy. Her voice is mesmerizing, and she sounds like what Harry imagines an angel to sound like. She has an American accent, and it eased his nerves slightly that she was also a tourist.

He turned back to the painting to look at it, but it was also convenient in that she wouldn’t be able to see his undoubtedly flushed cheeks.

“Yeah m’not sure what it is ‘bout it but there’s somethin’ special with this one.”

“That’s Prismi lunari by Fortunato Depero, he was very talented.” Harry spun around once again to face her, shocked at her knowledge of the random artwork.

“You know that off of the top of your head?” He tilts his head and looks at her, furrowing his brows in confusion. He’s pretty sure there was no label for the painting, and if there was it was way too small for her to see from where she’s standing.

“I know a lot of things.”

The statement was simple, but Harry wondered if her words paired with the smirk on her face are code for something else. “How long have you been here?” Her question snapped him out of his thoughts, and he looked up at her and smiled. He flicks his wrist and directs his attention to it, reading the Gucci watch adorning his wrist.

“Well I got here at 11, so about 5 hours.” It honestly surprised him when he realized it was 4 o’clock, but he knows how wrapped up he gets in artwork so he must have lost track of time.

“Jesus christ! I can barely stand to walk around a museum for an hour!” She blows out a puff of air, mocking being out of breath. They both laugh at her comment, Harry laughing a bit harder than her. “What’s your name?”

“Oh! M’Harry, s’nice to meet you.” He stuck out his ring-clad hand, and her delicate fingers wrapped around his as she shook it.

“Well Harry, wanna get out of here and walk around with someone who knows the city?” She points at herself, and the small smile she gave him earlier transformed into a silly grin.

“Well m’not sure how well an American can know the city, but I’ll bite.” Usually he would never do this. Going off with strangers is never a good idea, especially because of his status. But there’s something about the girl that makes Harry feel safe. They had just met yet he feels like he could trust her with things he hasn’t even told his best friends.

“An American who’s been living here for a year, that is.” His eyebrows raise slightly, intrigued by her new admission. But before he can even open his mouth to speak, she grabs his wrist with her daintily manicured hand and whisks him out of the quiet museum.

The air was humid, quickly drawing beads of sweat from his forehead. He’s also quite baffled at how she was completely unphased. Not a single drop of sweat was dripping on her body, her soft skin untouched like an old porcelain doll, preserved for years in perfect condition.

“I’ll show you around a little, we can go to this wonderful little vintage store I know.” She had turned to face him, her hand moving from his wrist to cup his one hand in both of hers. “Um- at least, if you want to.” For the first time, she was nervous. Although she will never admit it, Harry makes her extremely nervous. Extremely.

When he turned around when they first met, her jump of surprise wasn’t just because of his bright sunburn. In fact, it wasn’t about that at all. It was about how fucking attractive he is. He really looks like one of the statues that was put up in the museum. His sparkling green eyes send a shiver down her spine, and the tattoos peaking through his thin white t-shirt cause a fire to build in her stomach.

Having someone to talk too while he traversed the streets of Rome is a lot more enjoyable than Harry had anticipated. He purposefully told all of his friends that he was going to be MIA while on this trip. But the fact that she is a stranger changes it in some way, in a good way.

The cobblestone streets are surprisingly smooth, and they walk next to each other in a comfortable silence for a long amount of time. The silence would only break when she would point out something in their field of vision. At one point, Harry pauses, standing still in the middle of the street with a thinking look on his face. He realizes that he doesn’t know her name, which seems ridiculous to him because they were walking around a foreign country like the best of friends. She turns to him, matching his confused look when they lock eyes. “I just realized I don’t know y’name.”

Instead of reacting like he would expect one to react when asked that question, her pupils dilated and for some reason she appears to be scared. Why would someone be scared when you ask for their name?

‘Maybe she thinks her name is embarrassing’ Harry thought, still looking at her with a confused look, but now it was laced with a bit of suspicion.

He watches her sigh, and her hand went up to her ponytail and pulled the black elastic out, her soft hair cascading down her shoulders. With another sigh she said, “Y/N. My names Y/N.”

“That’s a really beautiful name.”

“Oh! There’s the store!”

He found it odd that she was so eager to switch the subject, but goes along with it nonetheless.

The vintage store is lovely, and Harry was able to find a beautiful ring and necklace set, matching gold roses on both of them. They looked around the shop for about 15 minutes, Harry being the only one to make a purchase.

The sun had set by the time they went outside, which isn’t surprising considering that it was almost dark when they walked into the little shop. They stood, facing each other outside of this small little shop in Rome. Two strangers, who just happened to cross each other's path. Harry knows this won’t last forever, and he also knows that he wants to see her again. In a leap of faith, he pulls the gold necklace out of the small brown bag and looks up at her.

“Here, I got them so we could match.” It was bold, but Harry feels connected to this girl, and he doesn’t know it, but she feels the exact same. The smile she gave him when he handed her the necklace was bright and genuine, the creases next to her eyes proving its authenticity. He motioned for her to turn around, wrapping the necklace around her neck and clasping it while she held up her hair.

“Thank you Harry. This is the best day I’ve had in a while.”

“Likewise.”

“I hate to do this, but I have to go. Have a wonderful rest of your trip Harry.”

It was then that she placed a small, tender peck on his lips, barely lingering for a second before pulling away.

“Wait! Can I get y’number?” Her smile slanted into a smirk, and she pulled a small card and a pen out of her small black clutch. She placed the card up against the brick wall, leaning it against it and scribbling something down on the paper. When she finished writing, she pressed her lips against the card, handing it to Harry.

He looked down at it, expecting to see a series of numbers, but he was met with a simple note, scribbled on the piece of cardstock next to the red lip print she had left.

May the stars align in our favor once again. - Y/N

He looked up frantically, planning to ask her to write her number down as well, but he was met with nothing.

She had disappeared into the night, leaving as quickly as she appeared earlier that day.

#HarryOnHoliday #harry styles #harry styles blurb #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fic rec #harry styles fic #harry styles writing #harry styles one shot

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yeoldontknow · 3 years

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დ content tag game დ

tagged by the loveliest angel @augustbutwinter to do this fun tag. thank you so much my love!

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)? - harry potter, muse, merlin, supernatural, doctor who, sherlock

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for? - kpop only

3. how long have you been writing? on this blog? - my first actual fanfic would have been when i was about 8? it was for sailor moon but it was literally only in a journal i had. i presume that counts. so that would put us at 24 years lmao - on this blog specifically, since april 2017

4. on which platforms do you post your stories? - here and AO3

5. what is your favourite genre to write? - aaaaangst lmao and horror/suspense. i love really dark things, and have always had a fascination in writing things that disturb me? i think its from an analytical or psychological perspective, exploring the limits of humanity and processing for myself why these things make me uncomfortable/where i feel them on my body/what is fear vs disgust idk. also very much enjoy fantasy/supernatural.

6. are you a pantser or a planner? - almost always i have a plan, however there are some fics that come out of nowhere and i just have to write them. examples of this are enough and love; always

7. one shot or multi-chapter? - i usually try very hard to keep things as a one shot, and reserve series for things that actually have substance enough to extend past 3 chapters. lately, all my ideas have been very plot heavy or come from worlds i am very interested in exploring and/or have aspects of emotion i want to work through. if i cant keep it to a one shot (like...under 30k) i will make it a series and ill be angry at myself lmao

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion? - anywhere from 5-9k is a solid, average chapter length for me. some chapters, in hero for example, need to be more than this because theyre the heavy plot chapters. i have been trying not to focus on lengths anymore, just want to write until the story is told

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete? - the longest story ive ever written is 154k in a different fandom and yes its complete. at the moment, hero is breaching 98k and i imagine it will be my longest when its completed

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most? - when it comes to series, hero and time runner will, and always will be, the most special things ive ever done. i feel at home and myself when im writing them. im in love with writing them. the ideas are so strong, and the characters are so loud and clearly defined it just is the best time making art ive ever had. - for one shots, light sakura was truly catharsis. i needed to write that. its the most personal, vulnerable thing ive ever written and will probably never produce something like that again unless theres another major event in my life. also absolutely adored writing molotov cocktail and empty vessels. those are both the easiest 30k ive ever produced

11. favourite request you’ve have written and why (if any?) - brooklyn is burning was technically a request and im extremely partial to it

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories? - oh yeah. usually my female characters are working through bad relationships or finding their voices, seeking identity and power in worlds that dont necessarily provide that. i write what i feel and what ive lived, the worlds around the characters are just exaggerations of reality and my imagination. theres always a little piece of me in my stories, and usually that piece comes down to them learning to trust which is something i struggle with

13. current number of wips? - please i cannot share this number, not when im ashamed of the amount lmao

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing? 1. smut is insanely hard for me 2. fluff is almost impossible, and could be considered my weakness. happiness is an external feeling, an outward experience. im a very bodied writer and finding joy or finding small bits of romance is difficult (largely because i live alone) so i will over explain aspects of the idol character or highlight small actions in the effort of holding onto them 3. i am still learning to trust the process

15. a quote you like from a published story.

‘Don’t confuse loyalty with strength,’ you say, as he releases you. You remain still, forehead pressing against the bars to get as close to him as possible. ‘I have no allegiance to you. My silence is not owed to you.’

‘Really?’ he says with disdain. ‘It was given so freely the last two days.’

‘Your ignorance proves you have never truly known a woman,’ you taunt. ‘We are always at war, even if we are silent.’

- from: hero - chapter 3

16. a quote from an unpublished story.

Would it have been easier for you both to survive if you could be a needy, fragile little thing - not ready to die, not ready to leave him on his own?

The night before, Chanyeol held you close, kissed you until your throat felt raw, and made you realize he didn’t want it, didn’t need it. He loved the war in you, handled you like a blade between his fingers, skin unmarred by your sharp edges. He didn’t want it, but you wanted it, at least a little. You wanted him to know there were still traces inside you of the girl you lost.

from: time runner - chapter 7

17. space for you to say something to your readers.

hello beautiful loves. every moment you even click on one of my works an angel gets its wings <3

tagging: @yehet-me-up @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @j-pping @jamaisjoons @yoonia @kithtaehyung @inkedtae @kookdiaries @kookingtae @xiaokoo @sunshinekims @biaswreckingfics @ditzymax @sugaurora @bangtanhome @yeojaa @sahmfanficbts @xjoonchildx @writtenwhalien @jinpanman @cutechim and anyone else who would like to do this <3 as always please only do so if comfy!

#content tag game

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ssa-daddyhotchner · 3 years

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The Struggle of Loving You - Chapter 11

Chapter Selection

Hotch texted me later that night but it was to tell me that we couldn't do anything later because he needed to deal with Hayley. She had wanted Jack that night but Hotch wanted him for one more day.

Chloe ended up never coming home, it had been almost two days since the last time I saw her.

I tried calling her but she never picked up. I was starting to get worried.

I sat up from the couch and grabbed my car keys. I locked the front door behind me, going down the stairs and into my car.

I drove out of the lot and to the house where that party was held. When I got to the house It looked the same as before, except for the student but that was expected.

I walked up to the door and knocked a few times, waiting for an answer. When there wasn't one I tried to open the door, it was unlocked.

Going inside I saw the same thing I had that night, people were on the floor but not as many as before. I carefully stepped around the bodies and there she was, passed out on the floor in the corner.

I walked over to her and she was cold, I swear.

Checking her pulse, it was weak. She was still alive but she needed a hospital. I gently picked her up and carried her outside. What the hell happened when I left.

I was asking questions to myself, ones that only the people in that house knew.

Calling the ambulance I gave them the address and waited for them to arrive.

When they pulled up the paramedics took Chloe but I told them about the other people inside.

The majority of them were knocked out, some of them I remember seeing when I left. I rode in the ambulance with Chloe and made sure she was okay.

Y/n - Just letting you know Chloe and I aren't going to be in class today

Hotch - Oh... ok can I at least have a reason. Mainly because there's going to be a decent amount of homework today

Y/n - She's in the hospital... I'm with her now just to be safe. Can you give the homework later

Hotch - Yeah I don't mind, I can come by the hospital later

Y/n - Thank you

I put my phone away and was staring at Chloe. Her skin was very pale, the color had literally drained from her body. The doctors were running tests to see what the problem was.

They didn't know what was wrong with the problem was for any of the students. I felt bad for leaving when I did, maybe I could've helped them... helped her.

"How are we doing in here?", I looked up from her bed and saw her doctor walking inside the room. "She's still unconscious, I know you guys just took the tests but do you know why she’s like... this." The doctor flipped through the chart that he brought in with him.

"She had a Blood Alcohol Content of 0.35. That level of intoxication can be fatal if she had continued to drink. We're giving her IV fluids to try and dilute the alcohol in her system but there isn't much we can do in this situation other than wait.

It's good you found her when you did, she would've died of hypothermia if she'd been there any longer."

The doctor walked over to the side of her bed and took her vitals checking her, heart rate, blood pressure, and o2 stats. He started going out of the room. "When she wakes up, let us know."

I nodded and he left. I was left In the room with Chloe who after an hour or two got some color back.

As I waited for either her to wake up or Hotch came by I sat in the chair next to her bed and turned on the tv. Trying to find something to watch at a hospital is so difficult when they only have a limited amount of channels. Giving up I shut the tv off and got on my phone.

Seeing a text that Hotch was at the hospital.

Already. It was nearing 10am meaning his class was already over. I felt a wave of guilt wash over me because I missed it but I shrugged it off when I saw Hotch come through the doors.

"How's she doing?", was the first thing he said when he came in. I stood up going over to him, "Better, she almost died from alcohol poisoning, I knew she drank but not like this. Not this recklessly." He placed a reassuring hand on my lower back, "She'll be fine. I'm sure of it."

"I know that... I just should've been with her, I left her at the party thinking she was going to stumble her way into the apartment like usual."

"Don't blame yourself, I've done that enough in my life. It never turns out good." I sighed leaning into him, his hand rested on my hip. Hotch leaned down and pressed a kiss to my temple, we both tense realizing what he just did. I stayed in place and so did he, both of us nervous to move.

We couldn't stay like that forever so I gazed up at him. He was already looking at me, we both softly smiled at each other and I pulled him closer. I felt the tension leave his body as he relaxed into my touch.

He leaned down and whispered into my ear, "Add that to the things we need to talk about later." I nodded not saying a word. He stayed there with me the whole time I was at the hospital. Chloe never woke up and it was getting late.

Hotch offered me a ride, because I rode in with the ambulance, my car was left at the house. He drove back to the house and dropped me off. "We are going to have that talk?", he handed me the homework he assigned as I got out of the car.

"Yeah... we will. I wanna have that talk but before we can I- need to do some homework that my professor assigned for tonight." He looked at the road ahead then back at me.

"Okay, just tell me when."

"Got it", Hotch made sure I got to my car okay then drove off back home to be with Jack. I started the car and sighed. I had no clue what he even talked about in class, I was probably going to half ass it.

I went home and tossed my homework on the bed. I walked in the bathroom and stripped my clothes and looked at myself in the mirror, seeing the cigarette burns from my parents.

My fingers lingered the small burns then traveled to my temple, remembering the kiss that was left there earlier in the day.

My lips turned upward at the thought.

Stepping into the shower, I let the water wash over me. Grabbing the shampoo and massaging it into my hair. Getting the body wash and running it over my skin. Thinking about how I have more homework to do, how I have to get the work from my other classes.

I got out and quickly brushed my teeth, it was 8:30pm. Having time to complete the work, I got changed putting on an oversized hoodie, some boy shorts, and turning on music. I sat on my bed and pulled out the papers.

Laying out every sheet which wasn't a lot compared to the work I was going to get from the other classes. I took out my notes and started reading over them and comparing them to the questions flying through them.

I understood this better than I thought I was going to. But just to be sure I called Hotch because he would know, obviously. Would he give me the answers... if I asked really nicely maybe.

The phone was ringing, "What is it?"

"I need help on a question", he chuckled. "Which one?" I glanced over the paper, reminding myself of the question. "What was reflected from Ed Gein's crimes."

"That's it why don't you look it up?"

"I don't want the internet help", I was flipping through my notes trying to find something. I didn't know much about Ed Gein. The only thing I 'knew' about him is he was the inspiration of Texas Chainsaw.

"You want my help", I could hear the grin that was on his face. He liked that I wanted his help.

"Shut up", we both shared a laugh. He gave me the answer right after and we hung up the phone. I scribbled down the answer finishing the work. It was 10pm when I closed everything up, making sure the door was locked, windows were closed.

I put my books away in my bag and laid down in bed. Sleep tugged at me but I was startled awake when someone knocked on my door. Groaning I stood up and dragged myself over to the door, opening it and saw the person standing in front of me.

"Hi."

#aaron hotch fanfiction #aaron hotchner x reader #Aaron Hotch Hotchner #aaron hotchner #aaron #SSA HOTCHNER #hotch #Thomas Gibson #hotchner #Criminal Minds #fanfiction #fanfic #writing

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earthlyemily · 3 years

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I’m struggling so much financially and honestly just wanted to vent somewhere. I’ve always lived in poverty and I think in my whole life I’ve had maybe 2 years where I didn’t have to stress about money and not be able to buy groceries or pay rent or be put into collections for not being able to make payments etc and that was when I was in college. For at least the past 5 years I’ve been struggling but I never talk about it. I don’t even know where to start haha I don’t even know what it’s like to not stress financially and be in debt. I’ll just start with the first things that come to mind with what I’m owing maybe. So it’s Dec. 23 and rent was due yesterday because we moved into this small suite attached to someone’s house on Nov. 22. It’s $1200 which is so expensive, but also the average price for BC if not even cheaper for a one-bedroom with a yard, utilities included. and no first and last, no pet deposits, etc because this is just short them for 4 months until the end of March because i reached out and asked and they said yes.

After 1 month I already remember why we went into the trailer almost 2 years ago and it’s literally because we can’t afford any other lifestyle. I think that’s the difference between us and some people that live in trailers, vans, etc. like we lived in a mouse & mouse shit infested trailer for 6 months breathing in their feces and urine and having it all over all our belongings. i literally had to take my whole life to the dump and we officially have no food storage because they ruined it all. there were at least 50-60 mice because a few birth cycles happened in the ceiling. I could write a whole post about my experience of living with field mice, but now isn’t the time so for rent, i only had $600 yesterday so that’s what I gave them. thank goodness they were okay with me asking for a few more days to make the other half. but I don’t even know when that’s going to be :(

my etsy shop veganveins has been doing so bad lately for more than one reason, most of my orders are just postcards and stickers, and while I’m grateful for them, that $1-3 profit isn’t going to keep my business going. and it’s so hard for me to work lately. the wifi doesn’t work sometimes for hours and I always get distracted by shawn and the dogs working from home in a small space. I need to get better at my time management. I got up at 8:30 today which is actually early for me so I’m proud of myself. I’m chronically ill and I really need to go get a blood test and see what’s happening because I haven’t gotten one since being diagnosed with graves disease again 1.5 years ago. anyways. i switched to a print on demand method this year for veganveins for some shirts and sweaters because i couldn’t afford to keep ordering shirts in bulk, and it’s honestly been so, so expensive and i barely make any profit. I’m currently owing my t-shirt printer $999 on one invoice (it was originally $2196 so I’ve at least paid half of it) but that was 2 weeks ago and I still need to pay it. Mario, my t-shirt printer has been with me since I started veganveins and I’m so grateful he gives me extensions on paying the invoices. every other t-shirt printer I’ve ever asked has said no. in addition to the $999 there’s going to be another $2200 invoice I’ll be receiving this week for my last order. I think because of the holidays he’s going to give me some time to pay off that too, but the problem is when I have outstanding invoices he doesn’t print new orders for me. He’s closed now until Jan. 4 so I just need to somehow make that much before then.

btw I don’t have a credit card ($8500 all used on veganveins and it got put into collections last march) and I had a fully used $5000 line of credit but I got a debt consolidation loan for $16,000 1 month ago and my payment for that is $167 a month. it fully paid off and closed my credit card and line of credit + $3000 overdraft which is nice. but now I don’t have any extra money except for what comes in. my credit is only 640 which is really bad in canada so I won’t get approved for a new credit card or loan until I build that up, which is going to be a few months of regular payments. so for regular payments, the $167 for the loan is due on Dec. 27. Yesterday the trailer loan which is literally unliveable from what the mice did until we renovate it came out for $260, that’s how much I pay once a month for it on the 22nd. I didn’t have $260 in my account so it got rejected and I got charged a $48 NSF fee. omg if anyone is reading this long i’m shook. i’m genuinely just writing this for myself to process my feelings and in case anyone was curious about my financial situation here you go haha. maybe some of you can relate, maybe some can’t. anyways. so now I somehow have to get $260 in my account for that for when they try to take it out again in the next few days.

another payment that was supposed to come out yesterday but hasn’t, but I’m sure will come out today is our truck loan. they deferred it for 8 months because of covid which was so nice, but we started paying it again 2 months ago. for both those months I called and made my payment a later date and that helped, but there’s barely any service here so when I called 4 times yesterday to try and change the date the payment comes out, I was on hold for 20-30 mins then my phone would disconnect and hang up. so that’s $586 and it will come out today, I have $0.46 in my account right now so it will get rejected and I’ll get charged another $48 NSF fee. this is why being poor always costs more and the banks are always harsher on those who don’t have money. today I’ll try calling again to see if I can ask for it to come out on a different day like january 10 instead, so I can first have time to pay rent and the trailer and also our $190 truck insurance which got rejected from my account 3 days ago, which was another $48 NSF fee. oh and something else i’m so stressed about is CIBC is going to put me into collections on December 28 if I don’t pay $1000, $700 of which is purely their fees. I have a $300 overdraft which they said i have to cover by then and the $700 is literally their $48 fees added up over the past 3 months. I got a text from them today saying my account is over and it’s because an amnesty international $11 monthly donation came out and obvi there’s no money in there, so that’s another $48 they charged. they’ve already given me a month to pay it and don’t want to wait any longer :(

I owe everyone in my family money, my sister $1650, my mom $700 and my brother also lent me $700. none of my siblings have money either and my mom definitely doesn’t so I hate that i had to borrow that much, and it’s literally been months. thankfully they’re so patient but i can’t wait to not owe them that

omg and i can’t even think about the amount of money shawn’s grandma has lent us. she’s genuinely the only reason we haven’t been completely homeless. but it’s a lot. like i don’t even want to say the number on here. she let us use it from her line of credit over the years and we’ve been slowly paying her back, but she lets us go months at a time without making a payment which i honestly hate doing, but have no choice. i’ve felt a lot of shame and guilt about this, but I also know that she genuinely would rather help us than see us suffer.

so i’m gonna talk about a big reason I’m broke this month especially - saving a pig named buster. his rescue cost me $1850 out of pocket that I didn’t have. but otherwise he was going to be killed in 2 days, he was my baby and I loved him so I had to do it. I somehow made $1350 that went towards it but I’m still owing $500, which I just asked for an extension for today until the new year. i’m not really supposed to talk about it but everything I’ve ever posted here has stayed here, so that cost was literally just from me buying the pig off the farmer. myself along with everyone else ive talked to is disgusted that he charged that much, but he wasnt budging and if that’s what it was going to take, of course I’m going to do it. I wouldn’t think twice about doing it for my dogs and Buster was smarter and more affectionate than them. i love him and I’m so happy he was saved. a non-profit organization transported him to a sanctuary and it was my biggest wish come true and the happiest moment I’ve had all year. my eyes are literally tearing up haha i love him so much. i could write a whole post about his neglect but basically he hasn’t had fresh water in weeks, he was only being fed handfuls of mixed nuts, he was constantly dirty in a muddy enclosure with an electric fence that he was always getting shocked on. he never got true love or affection except for when I gave him it. i posted an instagram story about him and asked people to message me and that i needed help, 2 people donated $111 and $120 each, and 2 other people donated $15 and $12. Someone also e-transferred me $20. These 4 donations equaled almost $300 ($277) and I was so grateful for those people wanting to help me help buster. if anyone else wants to help me with the cost of his rescue i still do need help and would appreciate it so much. this feels really weird and vulnerable for me to do and i’m sorry if anyone is annoyed by this post, I just genuinely am struggling and figured if someone does have extra and wants to help, there isn’t harm in that. but i do feel guilty for asking because i know there are so many other people struggling out there that need even more help than i do :(

i haven’t talked about it publically but i guess I will now, this farmer that I bought buster off of is the owner of the organic vegetable farm i was living and working at this past spring and summer. we worked really hard all summer to be able to stay there and park for free in the winter, but this past fall he told us no one was allowed to stay at the farm anymore, including us, so we had to find a new place to bring our 14ft trailer in to live. so that was an unexpected bummer and if we had known we wouldn’t be allowed staying there anymore (despite doing the labour of $1200 a month for free harvesting organic kale, for an off-grid spot he told us was worth $350 a month to park) we wouldn’t have driven 8 hours with the trailer and we would have stayed in the snow in northern BC and sucked it up and lived on the land we got the opportunity to rent this fall. Donna, the woman who is renting the land to us has been the biggest blessing in my life this year. I love her so much. Basically, she’s letting us live on 170 acres for $600 a month. letting us do whatever we want on the land (building a cabin, setting up rainwater catchment systems, having a solar passive greenhouse and a huge garden) LIKE WHAT. we could even open a farm sanctuary if we had money, i wanted to so bad but obviously that dream didn’t even come close to being reality. opportunities like this literally don’t exist in canada, especially not in BC. i cant even process my gratitude, i cry everytime i think about it. when we go back in the spring it’s going to be the beginning of the rest of our life :) i want to rescue so many senior dogs. everything we’ve always wanted to do we’ll be able to do, assuming we have money haha. but i want to have an organic farm and grow veggies to donate to families in need, especially since we live on stolen indiginious land and I see how the goverment actively restricts their access to fresh healthy produce. but anyways by then it was too dangerous to drive 8 hours back hauling a trailer in the snow and it was just easier to stay in the okanagan until the spring. i know the farmer probably doesn’t realize this and he’s also probably struggling financially but not being able to stay at the farm for the winter months we worked for, and buying buster for that price is a big reason I’m in the financial stress I am now so I figured i’d talk about it.

anyways. i think this is long enough and i think anyone reading this gets the point, i’m drowning in debt, my small business is almost costing me more to run and i’m not making nearly enough profit to live, the past few months ive been living off grid (not by choice) and just focused literally on surviving and not freezing and getting water etc and not having service or internet has affected me negatively. there’s internet now in the suite I’m in, it works really good in the morning and not as well at night, like for example tumblr doesn’t work past 5 pm for me to post photos. but ive been in a bad sleep schedule since i got here that i need to change. im sick and i need to heal myself. tomorrow i’ll set my alarm for 7:30. hopefully i make some money today. i got a social media managing job and it will end up being $1000 a month once i do the 3+ hours a day of work which im already feeling like i barely have time for my own basic life tasks. but i can do this.

if anyone reading this wants to help me out a bit, my paypal email is [email protected] or http://www.paypal.com/paypalme/veganveins

and my e-transfer email is [email protected] i have auto deposit so you won’t have to ask a question :)

this is my first time in 7 years i’ve made a post like this or asked for help. i won’t do it again but figured i have nothing to lose. if you read up to here i love you a lot and thank you so much for being here <3

#personal #finances #broke #poor #vegan #small business owner #graves disease #saving animals #off grid #I wonder if anyone will even read this all #debt #life update lol #p

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cottage-babe · 4 years

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Burning Scars part IV

Previous | Chapter 4 | Next

Masterlist

I’ve been watching haikyuu and Nishinoya is so cute :(((

This chapter is going to fill in pretty much EVERYTHING related to Y/n’s past. also i feel like this shorter than my other chapters idk

Summary: Y/n, a werewolf from a hidden village, comes across Zuko and Iroh after being exiled. How has fate intertwined the wolf into the avatar's destiny?

*****This chapter takes place on Season 2 Episode 11*****

___

“Thank you,” Y/n said as she accepted the cup of tea from Mushi.

The boys were surprisingly welcoming to her. Lee had begun to ask questions as soon as she came up to them, but his uncle had told him to stop and let her speak. He set up a pot of tea and had now given some to the young teens.

All throughout the wait for the drink, Y/n’s mind was racing. Where does she start? How much does she tell them? The girl desperately wanted to come clean, but her loyalty to her pack deterred her. However, she knew that she had no obligations anymore, so why was she still so stuck on them?

Mushi took the spot next to Lee and quietly sipped his drink. His eyes weren’t on her, but she could feel that his desire for answers was just as strong as Lee’s.

She took a deep breath and started her story.

“So I’m a- uh- werewolf.”

Silence.

The girl knew that she probably should’ve continued from there, but she couldn’t help but wait for their reactions. Or rather, lack thereof.

Y/n didn’t want to look up at their faces. If she did, she knew that their facial expressions would cause her to assume things and she didn’t want to guess their emotions; if they felt something, then they would need to say it.

“Oh, well, we know that much!” The uncle laughed lightly, breaking the obvious tension.

“But Uncle, I thought you said they were only myths; fiction.” Lee questioned.

“What more proof do you need? She’s a living, breathing piece of evidence!”

The teen nodded his head as he thought about that logic. Y/n assumed that it would be hard for him to process; just yesterday he had heard the story and now there she was, telling him that it wasn’t a myth, it was completely real and in front of him.

“So, are you the only one? Or are there more?” Lee thought for a moment. “Wait, no, you mentioned a town before; there’s a whole village of werewolves?!”

I have no obligations toward my pack. I have no obligations toward my pack. I have no obligations toward my pack.

“Yes,” she said confidently. It was about time that she went past her fear of her pack. They could no longer control her, she was her own person who could make her own decisions.

But they’re your family.

Y/n shook the thought out of her head. Family doesn’t treat family that way.

“Don’t ask me where they live or anything, because I won’t speak it.” Y/n succumbed to her guilty side slightly, hoping it would soothe her small feelings of regret.

“We won’t, we promise,” Mushi said while sending a stern stare toward Lee. The boy nodded his head once again.

Lee continued with his questions, though. “Why aren’t you with them then? You came to us two days ago, alone. Did something happen?”

Why does he ask so many questions?

She supposed that if she wanted to maintain their trust, she would have to wipe the slate clean; no more lies and no more hiding. They already knew that her kind existed, so there was no way that she would let them leave her behind.

“In my pack, there’s a rite of passage that we must do when we turn 16...”

___

This was it. The day that everyone in the pack was waiting for.

The L/n children’s Days of Trials.

The morning had started wildly; their mom had helped clean the fur of all five of her “pups” while they watched decorations and food being prepared from afar. The village was quite small and had wooden huts for each family. Each one had a large leaf door that slid close for privacy; they had evolved a lot since their original days. Almost everyone in the pack was helping set up, except for the male Alpha.

That man just so happened to be their father; the exact reason why everyone was making such a big fuss over today. The Alpha’s children were going to be doing their trials to prove their worth to the pack. Some of the other wolves were excited and curious to see how the days would pan out; recently, there had been a spike of children who couldn’t complete the tasks assigned.

However, there were many members who didn’t quite care for the right of passages. Every time the children of their leaders undergo the trials, they pass with flying colors. Never has there been a “royal” family child that didn’t meet the standards that were put up.

Half of the workers around were in their human bodies to put up the decor while the other half were using their wolf’s to carry heavy things. It was a beautiful harmony that Y/n enjoyed on the Days of Trials; no one in the pack was looked down on for using their human skins. People would only use what was convenient.

The five teen’s mother changed down to her human form. Her children copied her actions.

Their mother had long, overgrown hair and lively eyes. She was the kindest mother that the kids could ever dream of having. The wrinkles that surrounded her eyes not only showed age, but her strong, wise experience. She was absolutely perfect.

Mother sighed as she looked at each one of her kids in the eyes.

“I want all of you to know that no matter what happens, I am proud of you,” she smiled so sweetly. “You worked so hard to be here and no amount of trials can take that away.”

Just as she said that, someone called for her aid and she had to leave, but not before leaving a kiss on all five of her kid’s foreheads.

Soon, the siblings were left alone.

“I-I don’t know if I can do this,” Fen spoke while trying to even out his erratic breaths. “It just feels so wrong to lie like this.”

Ayano rubbed Fen’s back to try and calm him. Then, Binu spoke up.

“I hate to agree with him, but he’s kinda right. Mom’s worried about our safety while we’re here with a secure plan? It feels sick to let her be so scared.”

Shong crossed his arms with a glare. “Don’t be dumb, guys. Our plan makes it so we all come out alive. If anything, we’re doing her a favor.”

They’re tall brother spoke some truths. The siblings had devised a scheme a long time ago to ensure that each member completed their tasks efficiently and met the bare minimums.

They’re first task would be to go out and hunt a total of three animals before the sun rose to the center of the sky, signaling noon. Y/n and Binu were the best hunter’s of the family; while Y/n took hiding in the shadows easy, Binu was fast enough to outrun any animal. The two would use their skills to help the other’s catch their prey and make it back before their time ended.

Then, their next task would be working as a group to capture something that belonged to an opposite group (sort of like capture the flag). It was meant to see if the group could work together nicely and form a strategy. Luckily for them, Shong was very smart and him with the combination of Ayano would be able to easily make up a plan for any situation.

Lastly, the five siblings would have to fight head on with each other and gain a total of two wins. They weren’t aware of the line up, but the siblings knew that no matter who went up against who, they would stick to the plan.

If they didn’t, then members of their family could be gone forever.

___

“Ahh, I see,” Mushi said once the girl took a pause in her story to drink her tea, “Your plan didn’t work, then?”

Y/n shook her head softly and spoke quietly. “No, no. It did work. We made it past the first two trials so quickly, we almost broke a record.” A frown slowly set upon her face. “It was just at the third trial that things didn’t go as smoothly...”

___

“I think a congratulations is in order!” Ayano yelled as she held her wooden cup up into the air.

Y/n let out a laugh and grabbed her sister’s arm. “We haven’t even finished everything yet. The last Test is tomorrow, so maybe you should get some sleep.”

Her siblings were, to say the least, drunk.

One of them (at this point, Y/n couldn’t remember who) had stolen some liquor and brought it to the brothers and sisters. They all had a couple drinks, but Y/n and Fen seemed to be the only ones smart enough to remember what tomorrow was.

They had finished the first day of the Trials; they had assumed that it would be the hardest due to the randomness of it, but it had seemed fairly easy.

Many say that the Days of Trials were never meant to be hard, they just weeded out the absolute weakest of a bunch. Y/n wasn’t entirely sure how other’s had failed the tasks, but she didn’t like to think much of it.

There were rumors of what had happened to the werewolves that didn’t pass. Some say that they were forced to live in solitude for the rest of their lives... others say that the pack’s fighters chase them down for fun.

It was a little alarming that not even she, daughter of a family who is ranked so high, knew what happened to those poor wolves.

Ayano clumsily transformed into her wolf skin and whined softly. Y/n sighed before looking at Fen.

“You can take care of the other boys, right?”

He gave her a small salute. “Yup, I got it.”

She was about to help her sister out before Fen began to talk again. Y/n turned around to see Binu on the floor, but Shong was no where to be seen.

“Uhh... you wouldn’t happen to know where Shong is, Y/n?”

The girl groaned in exasperation and dropped her sister onto the floor.

Just as the brother and sister were about to leave their hut to search for him, the man in question pushed his way passed the hanging door and paused when he met their stare.

“Dude, we were about to go look for you.” Fen groaned out, then went to the passed out Binu on the floor. “Help me bring him to our room.”

And with that, the two semi-sober siblings completely ignored Shong’s time of leave, despite knowing that no one else in their pack was awake that late into the night.

The next afternoon, the five of them rushed to a big, open center where the rest of the pack was surrounding. Almost everyone was in their wolf skins, so they copied the actions of their fellow members. It was there that the children learned of the order that they were fighting in.

There would be ten matches: each teen going against each of their siblings. A battle would be won once the victor gets their opponent outside of the circle. This trial was supposed to be the easiest for the five brothers and sisters. Emphasis on supposed.

Their fights went semi-smoothly.

At first, it was hard for the wolves to pretend to fight. They attacked each other like it was their dying wish, but in reality it was all a part of their plan.

Just two wins each, that’s all they needed.

By the time seven matches finished, Binu had already received his two wins; the rest of his fights ended with him losing dramatically as if he were in a play. Shong also had his two wins, but he still had to fight two more rounds and give his opponents the victory.

The eighth battle was between Shong and Fen.

Fen only had one win under his belt, which meant that Shong would need to lose. Y/n knew what her tall brother’s tactic was when he need to lose the fight; he would put on a huge show to demonstrate his strength, then would pretend to make a misstep that costs him the win. It was extremely entertaining for the crowd.

The siblings waited on the outskirts of the circle with the rest of the pack. The wolves around them were howling and barking in excitement. It was going to be such an amazing fight; Fen was seen as a weak asset and it seemed like Shong was going to completely destroy him.

The two sisters shared a look that said exactly what they were both thinking: if only the pack knew what was really going to happen.

And with that, the teen’s father let out a bellowing howl; the signal for the battle to begin.

Shong began his usual wolf dance. He skirted around each of Fen’s attacks and landed soft, teasing blows to his brother’s hide. He would only let Fen hit or bite him every once in a while, his only goal being to feed the crowd’s desire for a difficult fight.

‘Okay, this is it.’ Y/n thought to herself, ‘Right about now, Shong should let Fen win.’

Just as the thought crossed her mind, her tall brother stopped his antics. It was a bit too sudden and the crowed around them let out a confused noise. It seemed as though Shong was... looking at someone.

The girl followed his gaze all the way until it landed on their father. From her position, she couldn’t quite see the silent conversation they were having, but it seemed important.

It was then that Fen struck.

He pounced on his brother and shoved him straight out of the circle.

It was silent for a moment, but eventually the noise flew up and cheered for the weaker sibling. It was a true display of power, even of the two hadn’t planned it.

The look on Shong’s face was indescribable. It was a mixture between sad, angry, happy, and... something else. It was like every contradicting emotion was running through the wolf’s system.

‘Why is he acting like that? This loss isn’t any different from the other ones.’

___

“I should’ve seen what was coming next,” Y/n spoke. “With the way he was acting... I just never expected him to be the one that broke all of us apart.”

___

It was the middle of the ninth match.

Shong was up again, for the final time, but was against Ayano.

Now, their sister wasn’t a force to be reckoned with. There were multiple times that she had fought one of the pack members for bullying a sibling (mainly Fen or Y/n). She wasn’t the strongest or the smartest or the fastest, but she made up for her weaknesses with her quick thinking. Her mind connected dots faster than all of her siblings combined and it’s what made her standout. Ayano’s passion and fast brain made her a threat to some of the strategists that lead beside their father.

The duo’s red eyes glared at each other, circling the edges of the ring while they waited for the other to pounce. In this round, Ayano would receive her final win from her brother and complete her trial.

But why was that look still molded into Shong’s face? He had death in his eyes instead of the playfulness that should’ve existed there. Something’s not right.

Y/n desperately wanted to warn her sister, but if she mentioned anything about their plan, then they would all be banished for treason. It was best to just let it all play out.

Maybe their brother just got really good at acting.

Shong then jumped at Ayano, but the girl dodged it with milliseconds to spare. The brother almost slid out of the circle with the velocity of his jump, but slowed down in time. They both growled at each other.

The same actions repeated itself for the next couple of minutes; one would jump and the other would dodge. It really seemed like they were trying to kill the other, even with Y/n knowing who was supposed to win. It was terrifying.

The brother and sister looked as though they were evenly matched. They predicted the other’s movements like it was their own; they danced as if they had practiced this for hours.

However, the two weren’t the same. Shong was strong and had a everlasting stamina. Ayano didn’t.

The entire crowd could see that Ayano was growing tired. Her movements were turning sluggish and it was taking her longer and longer to dodge any attacks.

Why isn’t Shong letting her win yet?

By now, Shong should’ve done his “misstep” and lost, but he seemed so persistent on his jumps.

Then, as some twisted, sick peice of fate, their brother pounced and Ayano was too exhausted to move out of the way. She let him drag her out of the ring, her body falling limp.

Shong had one, which meant he got three wins; effectively stealing it from Ayano.

That meant that in the last round of Y/n vs Ayano, one sister would be met with the doom of banishment for the rest of their lives.

___

“And so we fought. I let her win. End of story.”

Y/n set down her empty tea cup and looked at the two men in front of her. They were so invested in her story that they had forgotten about their own drinks. Steam and heat no longer rose from the small cups, it instead being a cold, lifeless collection of flavored water.

“Is that- Is she the reason you got hurt?” Lee asked, his voice hoarse from not speaking for a while.

“Uhh, yeah.” She wrung her hands. “Its a rule in my pack: when someone’s banished, they have to have something like that visible on them, so they can never come back. It was only a coincidence that my sister was the one that gave it to me.”

“I am so sorry you had to go through that, Y/n,” Mushi whispered with a frown set on his face. The girl shrugged her shoulders in response.

“I mean, it’s better that it was me and not her. Her navigation skills are subpar, so she would’ve been so lost out here,” she forced a laugh.

Mushi just his head in disbelief while Lee stared at the ground, lost in thought. It made her wonder what was going on in that head of his.

Y/n really hoped that she had made the right decision by telling them the truth. It’s not like anyone would believe these two random travelers if they ever mentioned it. But still, the thought of them telling a town and having her pack torn apart made her shudder.

Lee stood up suddenly.

It surprised the two other people, but they quickly regained their focus as the teen began to speak.

“I think you should stay with us, like for the long run,” he said confidently. “You could help us out a lot, and I think that we could help you.”

“Okay!” She stood up excitedly as well. This was the exact thing that she had been hoping for.

“And, of course, Lee,” Mushi interrupted, “shouldn’t that mean that we tell her the truth about us as well?”

Y/n was almost certain that whatever secret they had couldn’t be as bad as hiding being a werewolf.

The boy puffed out his chest and nodded his head.

“My real name is Prince Zuko and this is my Uncle, General Iroh. We are both from the fire nation.”

Silence.

There were many things running through the girl’s head, but the main one being Oh, so that’s why Mushi yelled out Zuko yesterday!

It took her a moment, but eventually she found something to say.

“You’re a prince? Should I bow or something?”

Le- or- Zuko deflated slightly at her words.

“Is that really all that you have to say?”

Iroh let out a hearty laugh at his nephew’s reaction. He quickly picked up their tea pot and cups while the two teens talked.

“And that ‘fire nation’ stuff, does that have to do with that magic thing you did yesterday?” The girl asked with a tilt of her head. This cause him to shrink even more.

“Y-you mean my bending?”

“Bending? What is tha-”

The girl paused as her ears caught a soft thumping sound; almost identical to the one that awoke her that morning.

Those people must be coming back.

She quickly warned the duo and helped them pack up their things. Just as the noise grew closer and closer, the three of them jumped on their ostrich-horses (in the same positions as they had the day before) and rode out before the group of men could find them again.

Iroh laughed from his horse beside them. “Maybe I should’ve stayed, it was nice to see old friends.”

“Too bad you don’t have any old friends that don’t want to attack you.” Zuko groaned front his seat in front of Y/n.

The three of them were riding pretty fast, so Y/n had her arms gripped around the boy’s torso. He had stiffened at first, but slowly relaxed at her touch.

“Hmm... Old friends that don’t want to attack me...”

___

thanks for sticking w me guys <3

even if you skipped past the memories like i know some do, i appreciate you reading this :)

anyways might actually have some cutesy stuff next chapter so wait till next week to read it <33

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Taglist: @bucky-blogs @hopefuloperaangelnerd @simplyfandomish @oddlypointlessescapes @lozzybowe ((bolded couldn’t be tagged))

#zuko #zuko x reader #atla

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