#and that's not how i want to live
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so i put in a while back to take today off work, and of course while i'm gone shit royally hit the fan. we're short staffed as it is, and without me there, it sounds like today was just a fucking nightmare. i feel bad that i wasn't there to help, but i feel worse that i am so relieved i wasn't there. it would have wrecked me to be there today. i took today off for a reason, because i'm really fucking burned out, but i feel so selfish.
i'm trying really hard to separate the feelings of caring about my job and my coworkers from feeling responsible for what happens at work because of extraneous factors. it was mere chance that the day i chose weeks ago to take off was a horrible day at the office. i didn't cause it by not being there. and it's not my fault that my coworkers had a harder time without an extra set of hands. we should be better staffed. they should have triple checked the new system before implementing it. things that have nothing to do with me being or not being there could have been handled with better care.
i know intellectually it's not my responsibility, but i can't help but feel like i was maliciously selfish. and this is only cementing how much i think i have to start looking for a new job... for my own sanity. i am one of the few tethers keeping my office afloat, but they take that for granted. it feels like it would be so cruel to my coworkers to leave. especially because this isn't like when i left the group home- where the ship was clearly sinking, it was every man for himself, and no one but me was willing to jump ship.
i'm scared to go into the office on monday. i have felt like this so rarely in this job the past few years, and my gut instincts are warring with each other. one says to keep my head down and bear it, that i've been through worse, to be grateful it ISNT worse, and that this will blow over soon and i'll be happy at my job again for another six months until the Next Thing. but my other instinct, seeing that this is one of the few upsets i've had in years, seeing the calm around me and the standards i should expect to uphold for myself, wants to run for the hills. old schemas tell me that to hope for something better than this is foolish, and that i will doom myself to misery if i try to rock the boat. but i haven't gotten to where i am without taking so many risks, what's one more?
and if i actually uphold the standards i am finding are not being met in my current position, won't the odds be in my favor?
#i hate change so much#to have to entirely rewire my daily routine... my body rejects it#but if i'm being realistic there is no end in sight for the current state of my work#this week only felt manageable because i had my foot halfway out the door knowing it was a short week#and that's not how i want to live#i want to be able to give my best effort and have it be enough... and right now my best effort isn't even halfway enough to keep up#the workload is just too much. it is a job for two people AT LEAST#and i'm certainly not getting paid enough#i'll be lucky if i get an entire dollar raise for my 2 yr review#i hate to be rude and have my 2yr review become an exit interview but....#i think i should honor my exhausted sighs of 'i can't do this anymore'#i was going to apply for only one job this weekend#but i think i'll throw my resume around a bit more#personal
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i hate you ai art i hate you "unalive" i hate you youtube premium i hate you twitter 8$ checkmark i hate you nfts i hate you therapy app advertisements i hate you non-chronological timelines i hate you instagram reels i hate you subtle tiktok filters that cant be turned off i hate you family bloggers i hate you ads on true crime episodes i hate you facebook i hate you vr glasses on chickens i hate you dystopian social media
#sorry but genuinely sometimes i feel like we live in a fucking dystopia#i get ads of chat bots designed to look like cute girls who will listen to your problems and it. god#its so unbelievably strange in some indescribable way#how am i supposed to explain that the word unalive makes me want to tear my hair out#vent#rant#idk
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calling my lover "mine" but not in the way that my toothbrush or notebook are mine, mine in the way my neighborhood is mine, and also everybody else's, "mine" like mine to tend to, mine to care for, mine to love. "mine" not like possession but devotion.
#nonbinary love#nblnb yearning#nb4nb#nblnb#wholesomeposting#yearning hours#ive been thinking about how some languages dont have a possessive tense#so you dont say “i have a thing” but rather “a thing is by me”#and like im not usually one for psycho linguistics and like critical thoughts etc etc etc#but i really like the framework of responsibility/commitment rather than ownership#i think about this mostly in terms of ecology#and relation to land#but i also love it as it applies to language shared between lovers#like i LOVE calling them mine or for them to call me theirs#but i'm also nonmonog and that was kinda weird to square for a while#and it clicked one time when i was talking about my neighborhood and i was like well#when i say my neighborhood or my city it's understood i'm not taking it away from anybody else#its understood i just mean the city where i live#so why cant we apply the same to lovers?#mine in the way i want to show up for you again and again#ok#done now
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how do you live?
#the boy and the heron#how do you live#studio ghibli#artists on tumblr#art#illustration#counting this as my first big drawing of the year bc i started it just after new years… v happy i stuck it out to the end#i loved this movie a lot#i want to draw weird herons all the time now
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woke up and someone spilled vanilla extract all over my dash, so as punishment you strange little beasties are getting all the VANILLA FACTS i know:
vanilla is the 2nd most expensive spice in the world (2nd to saffron)
which is why more than 99% of what we call "vanilla extract" is actually vanillin (vanilla's dominant flavor compound) and is not extracted from real vanilla.
luckily, even professionals struggle to tell the difference when it comes to things like baked goods. but there is a distinct difference in non-heat treated products like vanilla ice cream. real vanilla has a more complex, individualized flavor profile.
why is vanilla so expensive? because it is a ridiculously delicate & demanding crop. complete primadonna.
vanilla beans come from vanilla orchids. these crazy flowers bloom for A SINGLE DAY and have to be HAND-POLLINATED in a process that is exhausting, delicate, and requires specialist knowledge passed down over generations.
then, if you're lucky, you get vanilla beans.
which then require months of further specialized treatment.
the entire process takes about a year and can go wrong at any stage
vanilla has been cultivated for over 800 years (possibly much longer). the first known cultivators are the Totonac, an indigenous people of Mexico.
the Aztecs used it as a sweetener to balance out the bitter taste of cocoa. it was popular in a drink called xocolatl--the precursor to modern hot chocolate!
it is only pollinated by a very specific orchid bee!!!
which is why no fruit could be grown outside of Mexico until the 1800s
Edmond Albius, born into slavery, invented the pollination method we still use today--launching a global industry when he was just 12 years old.
today, the majority of the world's vanilla is grown in Madagascar
if you want real vanilla, read the labels carefully--it's harder to find than you think!
in conclusion, those tiny black specks you see in fancy vanilla ice cream? those are vanilla bean seeds! itty bitty orchid seeds!!! they are delicious and also a PRISSY BITCH!
(src)
#Vanilla Extract#i open the tumblr app and immediately my nostrils are invaded by the overwhelming stench of vanilla#also if you want real vanilla extract at a discount: check out stores like HomeGoods TJMaxx Marshalls etc#the foodstuffs section tends to have fancy nonperishables for much cheaper than upscale grocery stores#you can get things like saffron truffles fancy oils at surprising prices#still expensive but like. 50% cheaper#or just shoplift if that's your thing i won't tell you how to live your life#did i just spend an hour writing this? yes. why did i do that? i don't KNOW
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you know what boils my blood.
over the last 2 weeks, i've seen countless patients walk into my urgent care center, symptomatic for so many things, refusing to get tested for covid and flu, citing that they don't want to knowingly bring it to their holiday tables. i had a patient tell me, verbatim, "i don't want to test for covid, because i don't want to be the asshole who brings it on a plane."
i understand that - i understand that holidays are times where people look forward to meeting loved ones that they might only see once a year, or where they get a break from the hectic back and forth of their lives.
but here's the thing - whether they get tested or not, they will bring whatever they have to their holiday tables. it's pure recklessness to know that you're sick, and walk into someone else's house spreading the disease.
today, january 2, i saw 91 patients, many of them who have tested positive for covid and flu. many of these patients are the same ones who didn't want testing 3 days ago, until their events were over, and now, they will have to reach out to everyone they know to let them know that they were positive because they were showing symptoms well before their event.
the next week or two? we're going to see many, many more, all people with symptoms that started around christmas. these are the only two viruses we test for rapidly in our office, but they are potent and can be fatal in many people.
so here's why i wrote this post, and maybe it's a little late, but - if you care about your loved ones, please get tested if you know you're sick. it doesn't have to be at a clinic if you don't want it to, because the over-the-counter tests work just fine too (if you test within 5-7 days of symptom onset). just...please don't try to run from the knowledge that you might have covid, because immunocompromised people, elderly people, people with co-morbidities like asthma, pregnancy, diabetes, etc...many of them may not recover. and they may not be sitting at your holiday table in the future because of it.
#zee rambles#this isn't to guilt trip anyone#but im so so tired of people coming in and just refusing testing because they want to see grandma or whatever#and on top of that people are avoiding vaccinations and all that too??#we all lived through the pandemic - everyone saw how many people unfortunately passed away from it#now because of vaccinations and some amount of herd immunity we're finding milder cases in healthy people#but that doesn't mean its gone#that doesn't mean it doesn't have long-term repercussions even in healthy people and that doesn't mean people aren't still dying from it#honestly i just needed a lil rant#and if this helps at least one person??? im all for it#also i can't sleep so here we are spilling thoughts into the voidddd
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Hey so if you guys here any pained animalistic sobs and/or wails don’t mind that it’s only me thinking about the house of hades family portraits
#what the helllllllll#I want to live in peace supergiant please my poor heart can only take so much#look at them look how soft and happy they are :(#I’m so sad about them they deserve so much better#I will cry at the family reunion at the end of this game I know I will#hades 2#hades game#hades 2 spoilers#melinoë#zagreus#hades#persephone hades
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(post 2.1 quest)
unexpected
#they make me so ill i swear to god#im delusional therefore aventurine lives and ratio welcomes him back like this#i need 2.2 yesterday#excuse how messy it is bc i just wanted to get the gay out of my brain#its still there of course#ratiorine#dr ratio#veritas ratio#dr ratio hsr#aventurine#hsr aventurine#honkai star rail#hsr
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*by live theatre i mean plays, musicals, operas, ballets, concert versions of musicals, staged readings, & things of that nature. EDIT: YES this includes amateur, local, kids, high school, & community theatre. almost every show i've seen has been local
if you want, list the names of the shows you've seen in the tags!
#(if you saw this before no you didnt. i wanted to add more options)#anyways! very curious about how much live theatre people on here see.#personally i've 22 shows? those being: sleeping beauty (ballet). mary poppins. the lion king. the sound of music. once on this island.#little shop of horrors. mamma mia! chess. annie. music man jr. jesus christ superstar. joseph and the amazing technicolor dreamcoat.#something rotten! sam's room. the blender. bad auditions by bad actors. the 10 worst breakups of all time. drugs are bad. fairy tale court.#peter and the starcatcher. a christmas carol. & robin hood! all of those have been local/community except lion king ^_^#(yes i also redid this because i forgot about robin hood & sleeping beauty...)#musings
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My husband is a man who collects things he can use. A pistol, a pocket-watch, a woman's love, a wife....
I'm obsessed with That Scene(tm) between Katya and Andrei in the California Director's Cut Rerelease of Goncharov, so I did a lighting study inspired by the film's Art Deco Posters! Little details like Katya never referring to her husband by his first name really add to Andrey and Katya's tense dynamic, which is one of the most underrated parts of the movie imo.
#Like? The way that Katya and Andrei both clearly envy each other#and resent each other for living the life they want to live#both of them clearly thinking-- if only I was in your shoes! I would live your life better#Andrei desperately wanting to be Goncharov's closest confidant (and lover)#Katya envying Andrei's freedom and closeness with Sofia#Andrei doesn't see how Katya's life stifles her and Katya doesn't see how Andrei's 'freedom' is an illusion#goncharov#unreality#gonchposting#katya goncharova#andrei daddano#my art#secretmellowart
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hey, my boyfriend and i saw you from across the tea shop and really hate your vibe. square up.
#my art#fanart#atla#zuko#sokka#zukka#avatar the last airbender#i have wanted to sketch them for a while now but work has me dead#how are y’all faring with the live action 💀
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last three seasons spn are crazy. its just dean being borderline suicidal while sam tries to fix it by basically dangling his keys at him and going : “dean look! cowboys!” “dean look! strip club!” “dean look! haunted action figure.”
Meanwhile castiel is like i see that dean is suicidal, this is clearly my fault so i will remedy this by dying.
#and then dean is fixed by jack getting him a yogurt from the fridge or some shit#dean: yeah i just dont believe theres any point living any more. sam: huh dean are you ok? that sure was a funny thing to say#dean: yeah i just dont believe theres a point to life anymore. cas: don’t worry dean. i’ll always be here. *dies*#dean:yeah i just don’t believe theres a point to living anymore. jack: bummer. want to play mario kart?#dean: sure kid why not#destiel#dean winchester#spn#sam winchester#supernatural#but seriously#i feel like we dont talk about how dean was trying to die at the slightest inconvenience in the later seasons and its like??? bestie???
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I think I need to go to camp for a while. Be alone. Scream at the sky.
#gamingnetwork#vgedit#videogameedit#gamingedit#dailygaming#gameplaydaily#mybg3#bg3edit#bgedit#baldur's gate 3#baldur's gate#bg3#karlach#karlach cliffgate#the recurring theme that actually revenge rarely feels as liberatory as you want it to......agh#anyway this scene made me nauseous in the best way i had to take a break and pace around my living room#i dont care how u tag this but karlach in this set IS saying it to a purely platonic tav#she and delight are best friends forever...platonic soulmates forreal
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i cant get over the ball being so CLEARLY all for crowley i can't get over aziraphale trying to woo him with a WHOLE FUCKING BALL because that's what he knows that's what romance IS for him because he's been wanting to dance with crowley ever since dancing was invented and he's so stuck in time with the way he dresses and talks and he still thinks a dance is the high of romance AND HE MADE A WHOLE ENTIRE FUCKING BALL FOR CROWLEY JUST SO HE COULD DANCE WITH HIM like now it's so fucking obvious he gave away his BOOKS without a second thought and it was all for crowley he organised a whole JANE AUSTEN THEME BALL just so he could have an excuse to finally dance with the love of his life and i can't get over this i'm shaking my fists and pacing up and down he did not give a single fuck about anything other than dancing with crowley and HE BARELY TOUCHED OTHER PEOPLE'S HANDS WHILE HIS WHOLE FUCKING PALM WAS PRESSED TO CROWLEY'S AND i need to lie down
#im actually not okay im never getting over this#this was actually the most romantic thing to ever happen on television prove me wrong you can't#no because he spent CENTURIES reading about and witnessing and orchestring romances and he's been wanting to living in them WITH CROWLEY al#this fucking time and crowley rescuing his books was the most romantic thing that ever happened to him and in return HE GAVE AWAY THE BOOKS#HE LOVES SO FUCKING MUCH FOR CROWLEY AND OH GOD OH JESUS#how am i still not normal about this show im literally box breathing and my heart is fucking POUNDING from a SHOW i cant i just cant#i need psychiatric help#good omens#good omens s2#azicrow#crowley#aziraphale#aziracrow#ineffable spouses#good omens season 2#ineffable husbands#go s2
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wyll.y.am ravengard, I love you so
everyone loves to put him in gold (rightly so) but my personal style is lots of silver jewelry + heavy eyeliner so that's what I gave him. also roses because he's so damn venusian
#wyll#wyll ravengard#bg3 fanart#bg3#three color versions because I'm so damn indecisive. I'm experimenting with a more sketchy style and had a lot of fun with it#I have so many thoughts about wyll and his venusian qualities; how he embodies some of the truest and starkest aspects of venus#as well as its most painful and burdensome weaknesses#I could write an essay on it but I don't know how many people live in the intersection between bg3 and classical astrology. so I won't#also - I've had this sitting in my drafts for way too long and it was in danger of entering the ''I changed my mind I don't want this to#see the light of day'' phase so Im pressing the damn button#my art
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I recall saying this before, but it bears repeating:
There could be a billion trans people in the world and it still wouldn't be a bad thing because being trans is not a bad thing. Even if the rate of people discovering they are trans is "disproportionate" to trends from decades ago, that is not a bad thing. In fact, it's a natural consequence for there being more trans people being able to stay alive, and, overall, being able to live in a slightly more tolerant world. You'd only see that as a bad thing if you actively didn't want trans people to either live or live a life that facilitates wellness.
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#like even with there being more OPEN AND OUT trans people there are still more cis people by volume#even in my high school with three trans girls and three trans guys (including me) and a few NB people...#...there were still a THOUSAND cis kids going to school with us. imagine complaining when cis people are still 'dominant'#i don't know what my secondary school's population is because it's a big campus so you can deal with high school stats lol#like thank gd we are beginning to live in a world where the trans population CAN grow#i want there to be more trans people. because trans people will continue to be trans#we will continue being trans no matter what laws you put into place. no matter how dangerous you make the world for us...#...we will continue to be trans whether or not you approve. and that's fucking beautiful. i want us to live. i want us to eat well.#i want us to not worry about anything in this world. and that's going to happen one day. it will happen just like the sun rises each morning#if that is a threat to you then that is your own fault - your own self-destructive and sad thoughts about people and our world#and that is not my burden to carry - i have my own.
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