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thebibliosphere · 3 years

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soooo I’m finally watching Marie Kondo’s Netflix show in an attempt to motivate myself to clean my room, and while a lot of the tips seem like things that will be good for my ADHD and anxiety, the homes she looks at are... kind of already clean? Like, no dust, no trash, no dirty laundry, no spiderwebs. There’s lots of clutter, but not a lot of actual dirtiness. And especially with my worsening depression, I’ve been trying not to think about how bad my room is for so long that there are Actual Cobwebs in a couple corners. I know I’m an extreme exception, but if you had any tips on how to tackle that aspect, I would fully appreciate it

Marie Kondo is less of a “clean your home” show and more of a “keep it organized.”

It’s also important to remember that no matter how real the people are, parts are staged. Because I guarantee you, some of those houses with the amount of clutter that is in them? Will absolutely have dust, cobwebs, and mold problems. We’re just not being shown them.

But that doesn’t mean you also can’t use Marie’s techniques to actually clean.

I’ve talked before about removing the lid from the laundry hamper helped ETD actually start putting laundry in the basket instead of on the floor/any flat surface. What I’ve yet to talk about is how that in no way helped us keep on top of doing laundry. The thing that really helped us was buying multiple cheap laundry baskets (this kind) and sorting our laundry out as we got changed. For example, there are three laundry baskets lined up near the door in our bedroom. One has t-shirts, another one has underwear, and another has, like, pants and jeans and shit. They serve both as visual reminders that we need to do laundry and help with pre-sorting laundry. Once they get full to a certain point, it’s time to do a laundry load.

We’ve also got baskets like these for towels, kitchen things and bed linens. Everything just goes into visible baskets, which can, if necessary, be stacked and shoved into a closet if company suddenly comes over. (Though that doesn’t happen so much these days.)

I also use spare hampers for doing 15-minute-pick-ups, which is exactly what it sounds like. I set a timer for 15 minutes, and I pick things up from places where they don’t belong and throw them in the hamper. So, for example, Holly’s toys and blankets are currently scattered all through the house. If I want to dust, vacuum, and clean, I will walk around the house picking her stuff up and putting it in the hamper, clearing a path for me to do the other things I need to do without worrying about organizing a space for her stuff.

Another example would be my work desk. My work desk is currently covered in everything from my work printouts, bills I need to pay, medical gear like my blood pressure cuff, all my charging cables, multiple books, some of Holly’s toys, and for some unknown reason, four measuring tapes. If I want to dust my desk, I will put everything in a basket, wipe the surface down, then pick out the things that belong on my desk. Like the printouts and the bills. My desk is now, in less than 15 minutes, dust-free and organized. But Joy, you might say, what about the things in the basket? What do I do with those? Easy, keep them in the basket and take them to where they do belong. But what if the space they belong needs cleaned? Rinse and repeat, take your basket to the next space, clear everything into the basket, clean the area, then put back the things that belong. Congrats, you may have just cleared multiple spaces. And if you run out of energy in the interim? That’s okay; it’s better to have things contained in baskets than scattered everywhere across your house. It reduces them down to smaller problems and reduces your visual exhaustion from clutter, making tasks easier for ADHD brains in the long run. (This also works for other types of executive dysfunction. Visual exhaustion is a real problem for brains that are already trying their hardest.)

So, now you’ve got things sorted into manageable piles, what do you do next? You prioritize what is necessary for your space to be safe and sanitary. Cobwebs might be gross looking, but they’re not really an issue compared to, say, actual trash or dirty dishes that might be molding in your space. Remove those things first. Set another 15-minute timer, pick up as much trash as you can, and put it in a trash bag. If the timer runs out and you’re still good to go, set it for another 15-minutes, or keep going until you’re done. I find music helps. I’ve actually tricked my brain into realizing that dishes take me 12 minutes (instead of the literal hours my brain thinks it is), so for me, that’s 3-4 songs from my favorite band. Other people like to watch “clean with me” videos on youtube. They can be quite motivating, sort of like second-hand dopamine from watching people be productive.

Once you’ve sorted one major task, assess how you’re feeling. Are you tired and need to stop? Great! You’ve achieved a lot already; well done. Have a sticker and or reward of choice. Tomorrow you will do another 15 minutes of something else, and slowly but surely, your space should become more manageable and less intimidating.

Think you can do more? Also great! Let’s maybe try to get the dishes next. After that, I’d suggest tackling the cobwebs, then dusting, then sweeping/vacuuming, and then if necessary, mopping the floor. And I don't mean all at once, I just mean in that order, just so you’re not having to go back and dust again.

I try to do 15 minutes of housework every day in this fashion. I also keep a rough schedule on our fridge and tick major tasks as we go. So did I do laundry this week? Yes! Excellent, gold star. No? Okay, well, that gets priority next week. (Still gold star for what I did achieve, though.)

It helps keep things manageable while also not being Too Much for either my ADHD or my physical disabilities. For some people, that 15 minutes is too much, and I would say even doing 5 minutes a day is better than none. Anything you can do to keep your living space safely habitable for both your mental and physical health is good and worthy of praise and pride.

Anyway, I hope some of this helps and wasn’t too long!

Take care and good luck!

#adhd #adult adhd #executive dysfunction #cleaning #sodapopmermaid #long post

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witchynyx · 3 years

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Disabled Witchery

So for reference: I'm autistic, have ADHD/depression/anxiety/insomnia, and have mobility issues, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, and fibromyalgia.

My witchcraft is more recent than all of these (about 3yrs now), so I've not really adapted a practice to my limitations, but I've created my own practice which thus works around them. It's hard to know what qualifies as a 'hack' when you've never really known anything different, but I'm going to see what I come up with.

Timing is Flexible

I guess one of the things that makes the biggest difference for me is being flexible about time. Wanna do a full moon ritual but you just don't have the capacity to do so in the hour closest to its peak illumination? Anywhere within a few days is cool - I know considering 3 days as full (ie the night closest to 100% and the night either side, but some also consider 5 days (at which it's still 98%+ illumination), or even 7 (still over 95%)!

Likewise with your seasonal celebrations, it doesn't have to be on *the* date! Nature doesn't flick sudden switches between seasons, so the energy of a certain celebration or event doesn't suddenly appear and then disappear after 24 hours. There's often up to a week between the traditional and astronomical dates of the sabbats, and honestly, I'll do whatever I'm planning within up to a week either side of that. If there's a few things I want to do, they they don't all need to be done on the same day, either. You don't need to do everything at once, and you don't need to do them at the exact time/day.

You don't have to do All The Things!

I especially see the stress of this from younger and newer witches, but you really don't have to do everything. Sure, it might be nice to do an elaborate ritual every new moon, full moon, and sabbat, but that's a LOT! And that's even a lot for someone young, in good health, with lots of energy and minimal external commitments! Maybe you still want to observe all these, but all you can manage is 5min meditating near your window or lighting a candle to acknowledge these - that's rad, and totally counts!

Magic + Self Care = Win

Honestly there are so many books on how to inject magic into your self-care routine*, but witchcraft has literally been the best thing for my self-care game. Learning to connect with myself and the natural world around me has been the best thing I've ever done for my mental health. Plus it's an easy way to implement the things you're learning! I incorporate colour magic into my clothes/makeup selection, medical and magical herbalism both inform my tea selections, perfume and bath salt blends, and charm my food/drinks.

* My fave book on the topic so far is Light Magic for Dark Times by Lisa Marie Basile (she's also chronically ill).

Nature is Everywhere

I literally live in the very centre of my city - I can't drive, how much I can walk is pretty limited, and even spending much time on public transport wipes me out - but nature is still EVERYWHERE! Even excluding the herbs growing in pots on my balcony and and the pothos in my bookshelves, an urban space still has nature. Without leaving my apartment I can still see a few pigeons/crows/etc flying past occasionally, and a few paperbark trees, plus the roses and crepe myrtle in the garden of the old building across the road.

If you don't have 4 different species of street trees growing on your block or any parks/gardens nearby, what plants grow in abandoned spaces, or force their way through cracks in the concrete? What birds are around? Is anyone nearby growing plants in window boxes or balconies? Even on a terrible day, walking past the paperbark tree across the road when it's covered in flowers brings me a moment of joy.

Meditation Isn't That Hard...

... But it still kinda is. Literally the main purpose most folks are using meditation for is to train their focus. All that needs to be is picking a focal point (the breath is a common one, because it's always available) and focusing on it - your brain will absolutely wander from that, that's just when you gently nudge it back to your focal point. That's literally it! Over time, your brain will wander less often, and return back where you want it more easily. It's not supposed to be easy straight-up, otherwise there wouldn't be any benefit to it - it's a skill you practice to get better at, like any skill.

You don't need to sit any particular way - if you have pain/fatigue, you can lie down (just ideally somewhere you're not at risk of falling asleep), if you have ADHD or are otherwise hyperactive/easily bored, you can combine it with movement (stretching, walking, running, you can honestly meditate while smashing out your cardio at the gym). There's lots of ways you can adapt the basic premise, and it's totally fine to use guided meditations if you get caught up in your own mind and need external reminders to prompt you back to your focus.

ADHD Note: Meditation is literally THE most effective non-medication way to improve our focus! The down-side is that our brains are dopamine-deprived/seeking and meditation doesn't tend to give us that dopamine hit it wants, which can make the executive dysfunction a massive block to actually doing the thing. I'm pretty stuck here myself, particularly with my physical health stuff ruling out anything particularly physical/active.. I might need to see if I can find something high-dopamine to do afterwards as a bribe?

It's Okay to do Your Own Thing

Throw out any idea of what your practice "should" look like or include and just roll with what works. If you're physically disabled and struggle to leave the house, feeling like you need to do you rituals in a remote forest is probably going to mean you don't get to do many and then feel crap about yourself - craft a ritual you can do sitting in bed! If you're asthmatic, perhaps using candles, sprays, or bells would work better to cleanse your space than burning incense or herbs. If you have poor fine motor control or impaired vision, maybe you find it easier to record your journey digitally! Doing something "differently" and being able to do it is far better than doing something "properly" and just.. literally never being able to do it.

You're Not Alone

There are honestly SO many disabled, chronically ill, neurodivergent, and mentally ill witches out there. We're really often drawn to witchcraft, and there are some folks putting out some great resources on how they adapt their practice - like @heatherwitch's "Bedridden Witchcraft" series. Quite a few popular witchy authors are chronically ill as well, like Lisa Marie Basile, Juliet Diaz, and Arin Murphy-Hiscock. Don't let anyone tell you that your can't practice witchcraft unless you're physically and mentally well, it's bullshit, and we're all living proof.

#witchcraft #original content #witchynyx #disabled witch #chronically ill witch #neurodivergent witch #spoonie witch

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brytmoon · 4 years

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i feel like i'm being really annoying about it to ppl so i'm gonna vent here about struggles i have that might be undiagnosed adhd symptoms since i don't have a very big following except for two close friends (sorry y'all)

1. hygiene, such as brushing my teeth in the morning and showering, is hard. it's been hard my whole life but even now, i'll stare at myself in the mirror or scroll through my phone as i try to convince myself to brush my teeth. (this may or may not be related, but i hate going to the dentist, too.) with showering, it's hard to find the time. i always make sure to shower as often as possible (which is every other day, usually) or i make sure i don't smell if i haven't because i'm scared of having b.o. with both, i have to motivate myself to do it with fancy toothpastes and mouthwash or nice-smelling shower gels and lotions. I'm guessing this is executive dysfunction???

2. I've been incredibly disorganized my whole life. i once thought i had adhd when i was younger because of how disorganized i was. I've always had a super messy backpack and a super messy room (it's really messy rn) but i always know where everything is. i had a ds for at least ten years but lost it a couple months ago in the middle of playing it. where did it go???? i have no idea bruh. and i lose my phone all. the. time.

3. i'm terrible with procrastinating. turning in projects and essays at 11:59 after bullshitting it either all day or mere hours before the due date??? a constant. having failing homework grades and having ntis in every class, no matter how much i enjoy it??? a constant. i once did a whole project i hadn't started on until the morning of the due date. i worked on it while in other classes and at lunch and turned it in 3 minutes before the dropbox closed. anything that's not what i enjoy or zaps the fun out of what i enjoy, i procrastinate with. I've sat in front of the computer screen and almost cried so many times because i couldn't get myself to type up a scholarship essay, which OBVIOUSLY would greatly benefit me as a broke college student, but it doesn't matter bc my brain thinks it's boring so why not push it off?? because i procrastinate, i tend to overwhelm myself so much that i break down at least once when an assignment's due because I've formed a terrible habit of pushing myself to overexertion to get a project done that's meant to be done gradually.

4. bouncing off that last point, I'm terrible with time management and remembering events/due dates/assignments to complete. I've tried using schedule apps and alarms. I've tried to plan out my days. I've tried forming routines and habits to get things done at appropriate times and it doesn't work. that schedule app i downloaded and spent so much time filling out? completely forgotten in a week or two. i swipe away the notifications and pay no attention to them. since everything's virtual now, there have been important college information zoom calls, but i forget about them and miss them. i can't remember events, due dates, or assignments if i don't write them down. since i meet every other day or sometimes once a week for a specific class in college, i can easily forget something mentioned earlier that week that's due the next week over the weekend. i have to remember to write in my agenda in order to remember to do something important, which can be stressful and convoluted 🙃🙃 so my bad time management results in further procrastination and missed opportunities, which makes me feel awful about myself late at night when all i can think about is what i should've done better or differently.

5. chores and hobbies are... interesting. when i do get the energy or motivation to clean or draw, i will hyperfocus on them. if i finally feel like cleaning, I'll skip breakfast and/or lunch and won't take care of myself until I'm done. same happens with drawing. and as stupid or funny as it sounds, i find getting up to go pee so annoying!!!! I'm in the middle of doing something i FINALLY want to do and then i have to get up to go use the bathroom. i don't want to break my concentration bc it's an inconvenience. then with hobbies (y'know, things i want to do and enjoy) i procrastinate!! I've been trying to watch atla since everyone loves it and i like it too, but i put off watching it and other shows like crazy. i play instruments and love to do so, but don't practice very often and spend a couple hours doing so when i do because i remember how fun it is. when i do laundry, I'll remember to put the clothes in the washing machine and start it. but then I'll forget to either put them in the dryer, take them out of the dryer, or fold them. i often have to rewash loads because I'll forget they're in there or I'll have a pile of clothes sitting on my bed for days because i procrastinate with folding them and putting them up.

6. i am the most motivated and have the most energy at night. over the summer, I'd stay up until 4 or 5 am on a regular basis. I'd be the most productive during that time but my sleeping schedule would be so off because of it.

7. so people with adhd crave things that produce dopamine, right? well i snack on candy all the time. and i mean it when i say it's ALL THE TIME. my favorite one is red hots because they're crunchy and spicy. eating candy helps me focus and is probably a form of me seeking more stimulation, but it's bad because of my teeth hygiene issues and me hating to go to the dentist. i also can't do tasks quietly. i have to be listening to music or watching a video while working on something and there are times when i want to do both while working??? so now when i watch something or listen to music without working, i tend to need something to do so i scroll through Instagram while having the show on even though it makes me miss what's happening sometimes.

8. i don't really fidget much i don't think?? but i do weird stuff while listening to someone talk. in school, i often doodled on my worksheets and got in trouble for it. I'd draw eyes in the margins, characters I'm fixated on, squiggly lines, and would color in my o's. or while listening to a family member vent, i dance around or listen while scrolling through Instagram. i also have a baaad habit of picking at my skin (dermatillomania). I'd focus on picking scabs for a really long time when i was alone and bored and have scars on my face and legs from doing it. I've picked at my face since i was a kid and absent mindedly do it every day.

9. i can get quite distracted and have to ask for directions to be repeated because i won't hear them?? like my brain won't process what someone said until they say it again when i'm actually fully paying attention. my mom will ask me to run an errand for her and she'll need to repeat it to me because i'll get distracted while she's explaining or i'll forget what she said after walking away. i get off track in conversations a lot and can't really listen well when there's a lot of other noise going on, like in cafeterias. i'll be talking to one friend and hear another interesting conversation down the table and pause while speaking bc my attention shifted. i also can lose my train of thought quite easily when waiting to speak and forget what i was saying and not be able to remember it for the life of me. so I'll interrupt sometimes so i don't forget

10. when talking to friends, i feel like i talk about myself a lot. i like to use my personal experiences to connect with what they said and be empathetic to them, but i worry this comes off as being conceited. i heard that it might be an adhd thing i do to keep myself engaged in the conversation.

i think that's all of them??? I'm so sorry to anyone who has to scroll through all this jgjrjrj but i guess it's good to make note of this stuff in some way because i articulate my feelings better when typing instead of speaking. and this'll be helpful to reference when chatting with a future therapist which i will hopefully get soon! and if anyone sits through this and has any advice, I'm all ears!!

#adhd things #undiagnosed adhd #adhd culture #adhd inattentive

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bonsaisheep · 3 years

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My experience starting ADHD meds (for the first time) as an adult:

So I started ADHD meds recently. I contacted my doctor in early December, and spent the next month or so trying to figure out the right medication and dosage via basically weekly doctor’s appointments (online). Since there was a lot I found out after starting the meds that are apparently common experiences, I figure it might help to talk about my experience with all of this.

So I am medicated for my ADHD for the first time in my life at 27. There were two attempts when I was a kid, but neither of them worked out. The first when I was in fourth grade (I was diagnosed somewhere between first and third grade, I can’t quite remember), it was decided the side effects were not worth it, and a second attempt in middle school, but I refused to take it since I bought into a lot of the BS around brain meds. Its only in the last few years as I have learned more about ADHD have I learned exactly how it is effecting me. I managed to do well enough in high school to get into a good college (after doing really poorly in jr high). Managed to get an engineering degree (in 4 years with research, I was hella burnt out by the end of that) and managed to get (and hold) a job as an engineer shortly after college. Basically, since I could at lest fake functional and manage well enough (mostly because I was taught a ton of coping mechanisms by my parents as a kid), I just, never realized how much it effects me. I have been living an interesting and fulfilling life (as long as you ignore my mail bathtub).

After learning more and realizing that it was my ADHD was the source of a lot of the frustrations and struggles (I am basically a human checklist of the symptoms), I started to consider medication. The biggest reason for me is that I wanted to be able to focus on my own hobbies. I am incapable of hyper-fixating on anything that involves sitting down (or like, in general I am really bad at sitting down). I put off doing anything about if for years because well... executive dysfunction is a thing. It is really because of my roomate I finally went through with getting on mediation. This summer I moved in with a couple of close friends, one of which is also a cis women with ADHD who was diagnosed in elementary school. After not being interested in medication herself for most of her life, she recently decided to pursue it after some long conversations with another of our roomate’s girlfriend (I am one of 7 people in my friend group with diagnosed ADHD). Basically it was an accountability thing. We both held each other accountable for contacting our doctors.

Ok so after that very long introduction, what exactly are my experiences then? One of the things that surprised me was that I didn’t really run into too many barriers regarding getting on meds. In my case, I just talked to my general practitioner and she was like cool, lets start with XYZ. She actually didn’t want my original diagnosis since it was so old that she felt like any proposed plan would be out of date. (This is compared to my roommate who had to get a copy of her original diagnosis and even then her doctor was mostly comfortable prescribing meds because she is in talk therapy). (Though she has also pointed out I have been seeing my doctor for a bit now and therefor have a repor with her compared to her own doctor who was basically randomly assigned to her by her insurance and she met for the first time (online) when she contacted him to discuss meds)

I was originally prescribed Wellbutrin, a common off lable option for ADHD (it is a non stimulant, and by extension less bad side effects). My doctor wanted to go with it due to my really bad anxiety since it could potentially help with both. Unfortunately it made my anxiety way worse and I had a panic attack for the first time in years so we quickly stopped it and switched to other options. The next thing we tried (which is what I am now on) was extended release adderall. This is the most common stimulant prescribed to adults with ADHD. From what my doctor was saying, it is preferred for adults since it lasts all day (and with pretty even effects), it helps cover both work and the evening since most adults have additional responsibilities in the evening. In my case, due to how I responded to the Wellbutrin she also wanted to make sure I was on something that would not spike my dopamine. When messing with the dosage, I found that the amount that seems to help is also the amount that make my insomnia worse, so I am take a slightly lower dosage of the extended release, and make up the small difference using the short release.

Regarding side effects, the two noticeable ones that did not go away after a week (I initially had problems with a high heart rate, but that went away after a few days) are thirst and hunger suppressant. There is not much I can do about constantly being thirsty other then drink a ton of water. I was able to talk to a friend about the hunger thing, so I was able to implement quite a few tips and tricks that help me eat something during the day.

The two odd side effects I was not expecting is that caffeine actually effects me now and I also have way less of a sweet tooth. My doctor warned me about the caffeine thing, and my coffee drinking has really gone down. I went from at least two cups a day to a mug of half caff in the morning (I can’t cut it out entirely due to withdraw symptoms (so you know addition)). Regarding the sweets, I don’t know if I crave sugur less, or if it is improved impulse control. A good portion of my impulse control issue revolve around food so I am unsure.

Also I am running into a thing a friend was telling me about. The meds help you focus end of statement. This means you can end up focusing on things you don’t want to be focusing on.

As for the positives, well, I guess I was expecting more. I knew that meds weren’t some magic bullet and I was still going to need to use all of my coping mechanisms, but I guess I thought that the focus issues, would, just go away. But this is not how meds work. The way my roommate’s girlfriend describes it is that it gives you 15% more spoons, and that makes a ton of difference (for some people, this can be the difference between stuff like being able to hold a job). It is also really hard to tell if your meds are working. I texted a friend asking about how to tell, and he basically told me that it was the million dollar question (meaning there is no clean answer). Honestly, I still don’t know for sure if they are working or if I am just saying that. Part of it is that i literally can’t remember what I act like or feel when I am not on meds (and if I take a break for a day, vice versa). I am currently going with the assumption they are though.

For me, what I have been finding is that while I still get distracted from tasks I don’t like, I return to them faster. So rather then getting bored, getting on my phone and like, fucking around for a long time. I might just briefly check social media and then return to my task (meaning I get more done faster). I have also found it is making the executive dysfunction way easier for me. It is still difficult to start tasks, but, it takes distinctly less energy to do so meaning I generally start tasks sooner, or in some cases, do them at all to begin with. It helps curb some of my impulse control issues, mostly around stuff like food and impulse purchases of going out for lunch or coffee. It might be helping with the emotional dysregulation, but I have a hard time gauging that one. It’s just making things a bit easier, and well, that goes a long way.

More importantly, I am achieving my original goal. I am more able to focus on my hobbies and interest. I am starting to return to robotics, and it is already going better then when I tried it out as a teenager. I don’t know how well this will work out in the long run, but I am cautiously optimistic.

TLDR: I am not quite sure how to summarize, but if you know people on ADHD meds and are considering them (or are otherwise not on them and want to know more), it is probably worthwhile to have a conversation about them.

#ADHD #ADHD meds #I don't quite know when I was diagnosed because my parents figured out something was up fairly on #and there was a lot of testing #for stuff like dyslexia and motor control problems #I know that everything else was ruled out except for ADHD #which I was diagnosed with #(Also apparently I am hella smart via the official testing)

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werevulvi · 3 years

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Hi, could you tell me more about your autism and diagnosis and how you deal with it, how old you were diagnosed

I don't know a lot about my autism, tbh, as I never bothered to read up on it and I was never properly informed on it. But what I do know is that I learned slowly as a kid, learned to walk at age 3, was very clumsy (like medically abnormally clumsy physically, could barely run at all and couldn't climb, etc) required special treatment to learn how to eat as a toddler because I hated the sensory experience of solid food and chewing, I was incapable of understanding sarcasm, interpreted everything literally, I was stimming a lot, had monotone body language and speech, etc. I was very obviously "different" according to my parents already from around age 1 or 2, and required literally constant attention for the first 4 years of my life. Started daycare at age 4, in small groups.

Then as I started school at age 6, apparently the school nurse had told my parents that I'm probably autistic, so I consider that my "inofficial diagnosis" but they decided to ignore that and didn't tell me (until 10 years later.) I was bullied in school for being "the weird kid" by both classmates and teachers who thought I was a retard and annoying, basically, I guess. I was called a freak and weirdo a lot. But like I was proudly a weirdo, and resented normativity.

As I got up into ages 10-12 my depression and DID symptoms (alter) kinda took over and became more prominent than my autism symptoms, as I wasn't as physically clumsy anymore and started learning social cues. My mental health continued to decline over the next few years, until I sought out therapy on my own at age 16. It led me to doing my first few suicide attempts, which led me to ending up at a closed psychiatric ward.

While staying there for a few weeks, I got evaluated for autism (without knowing that's what I was tested for) as well as a few physical things, such as my hearing impairment and chronic headache. And those tests led to an official Asperger Syndrome diagnosis, when I was 16, by the very end of year 2005. I also got diagnosed with borderline psychosis and mild depression, and got pumped full of anti-depressants and anti-psychotic (neuroleptic) drugs. Then my mom finally told me that she basically always knew about my autism, and I was really pissed at her for not having told me before. I resented my autism diagnosis right from the start, and the older I got, the more I resented it. Never identified with it, only ever saw it as a huge burden.

Then throughout the rest of my teens, I went to a school for neurodivergent people (basically upper high school) but still flunked it. I was a complete and utter mess, and got little to no actual therapy. They just kept shoving me around from one psychiatric department to another, due to my comorbid issues, no one could help me, it seemed. Every once in a while I'd make another half assed suicide attempt to make them take me seriously, which only worked for a few months at a time. In total, I've made 19 suicide attemps over 12 years. Oh lord, psychiatry was so bad!

Adulthood came along and I got benefitted with sickness compensation, and got my first apartment at age 20. It didn't go great. I accidentally flooded it and had to move out, and didn't manage to keep it clean or anything while I lived there. I was barely functional and alcoholic, constantly self-harming, just to try to manage attending school. Despite getting help from caretakers offered by the state (?) weekly, I was really dysfunctional. I switched apartments several times, and kept flunking school while trying to live my miserable life, always hanging by a thread. Until I moved back to my parents at age 23. They had moved to a miserable island far away from all my friends. Got an apartment on that island close to my parents, but my issues continued being the same level of awful, up until about age 27.

What this has to do with my autism is that... uh, I basically understand it as that it impedes on my executive function really dramatically, and like although I can physically do pretty much anything, mentally I just somehow can't. Especially repeatedly, and often enough. Like I can't keep any routine for the life of me, not even simple shit like sleep cycle, eating habits, brushing my teeth, etc. Let alone school or a job, or even hobbies. Everything is infrequent and too seldom, if at all. So everything in my life keeps falling apart as I basically have no foundation to stand on, and I get sensory overload suuuuper easily. So like just going shopping/cleaning/laundry/hobbies/school/anything for half an hour can drain me significantly and make me incapable of managing doing anything else for the rest of that entire day. It's very hard for me to explain, but it's like I only ever have 3 spoons per day, but most things requitre 10+ spoons, so I go backwards on my energy resources a lot and end up having to rest for DAYS after just one hour's activity.

At age 27 I ditched the social service caretakers, as they were seriously depriving me of my privacy while being largely unhelpful, and I began to finally try to pull myself together. I still get a lot of help from my mom, with anything from paying my bills and grocery shopping, to driving me places and dealing with soul-sucking authorities for me. This takes off a lot of the burden and allows me to manage doing at least a few things on my own, like working out, cleaning (yay I manage keeping my apartment clean nowadays!), laundry, occasional shopping, art projects, online socialising, etc. I still go to therapy biweekly but it's still largely unhelpful. At least I managed to make them stop tossing me around between departments like a football though, and I'm still gonna try to get some proper trauma therapy, and maybe also look into that adhd group I was promised last year, if it'll ever resume again post-corona...

I've still never had a job in my life and still have incomplete grades. But I got permanent sickness compensation now, so that's neat. At least I don't have to worry financially. I'm also trying to get started with some "work training" stuff which is basically "pretend work" for people who can't work, just to have something to do. I'll most likely be granted acces to that. However, it seems irony is that most of those are located out in the middle of nowhere where no buses go, and I can't afford a fucking car or driver's licence because I can't work. Mom probably won't drive me several times a week for that. Fucking fantastic. Makes me almost wanna kill someone... argh! Those little things really piss me off.

Life is absolutely not going the way I want and I blame my autism for it, mostly. I am drowning in frustration, and my anger issues making me scream my lungs out in pure despair, shows that. I'm considered offically disabled due to my autism, and it just fucking sucks ass. How lonely, under-stimulated yet easily over-stimulated, bored, meaningless and unfulfilled my life is. There are far more severely autistic people out there who somehow manage to live far more functional lives, and I'm jealous of that. I dunno how to break free from this misery. It feels like the only thing I've ever managed to accomplish in life is transitioning genders, and making art that I don't wanna sell. I wanna have a "normal" job, a car and driver's licence, I wanna have cats and a social life, I want parties at night clubs again, I want hobbies outside of my home; hookups, friends and lovers; I want to be able to have a functional romantic life with someone I can marry and start a family with.

But is any of that ever gonna happen? I hope so, but it feels bleak. Because my autism feels like such a huge burden on my life, and a huge hindrence to my dreams and goals... like I'm over 30 already and still a disabled and having my mom living half my life for me, miserable mess and not given any useful therapy, I'm left to my own vices to figure out how to adult... Because of all that, I hate my autism and I wish there was a cure, I swear to fuck. So for your question, how I deal with it: not fantastically. Not sure if you wanted a relay of my entire life, but I hope that’s okay! Didn’t know how else to answer your questions.

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meta-squash · 3 years

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Your ADHD procrastination post has really stroke a nerve with me. I've had the same issue for years, but thought it's normal for everyone. Since about a year or so, I've been wondering if I may have an undiagnosed ADHD along diagnosed conditions. If it's not too personal, how else ADHD manifests in you? I hope it's okay to ask. I love hearing women's stories about ADHD because they are much different than the stereotypical image of it...

It’s not too personal! (FYI I go by they/them pronouns, but I am afab; it’s all good though!) Also, this got VERY long, I’m sorry! I’m verbose and have a lot to say, apparently.

So I personally have a weird relationship with ADHD. I was diagnosed with it (or some sort of attention deficit thing) when I was in like 3rd or 4th grade. I was briefly medicated but I think I was on Ritalin (I forget) and my child body couldn’t handle it; I was a zombie during the day and then when it wore off at night I was Evil and freaked out and wanted to fight everything. So I went off it pretty quick and didn’t get medicated after, presumably because my parents thought my ADHD wasn’t bad enough.

The reason they probably thought that is because my brother has Really Bad ADHD. Like, all the classic stereotypical symptoms and characteristics to the extreme: never shuts the fuck up, really damn loud all the time, extremely high energy, can learn pretty much anything in about 5 seconds but can’t actually hang on to an interest really (now that he’s an adult he can, but not as a kid), can’t sit still or pay attention in class, doesn’t finish homework, etc etc. I was able to mask mine and function enough to get through school just riding pretty much on my humanities grades alone. It sucked a lot but I somehow did it. I had an IEP (Individual Education Plan, which is a US school thing for kids with learning disabilities and such that allows for accommodations and assistance in school) but it didn’t do much except I think give me extra time on math tests because of my dyscalculia (I was in Special Ed Math my whole grade school career). My mother is an OT but I also think that (as you said) ADHD in afab people often manifests differently than in amab people, so I guess my parents just didn’t know what to look for and that’s why I never really got the same help as my brother.

I like to jokingly categorize ADHD into two distinct but overlapping types: Fast ADHD and Mush Brain ADHD. Fast ADHD (in my opinion; this may vary from person to person) is the classic stereotype symptoms. Fast ADHD’s focus problem is too much happening all at once. Lots of thoughts and ideas flying by and you get distracted mid-thought with another thought, or your train of thought gets really crazy but is super fast so your reply to someone’s comment might not make much sense to anyone else because they weren’t privy to your brain’s journey, or you go down a focus worm-hole and sit and do One Thing all day and forget to surface for things like food/water/bathroom. Fast ADHD has more energy (though when paired with depression that usually manifests as restlessness or anxiety) and is quicker to pick up new things. Mush Brain ADHD is kind of the opposite. Thoughts take longer, or you think of something and then it almost immediately disappears (for example, scrolling a website, seeing something that you want to google, you scroll for like 5 more seconds and think “wait, I completely forget what I was going to look up”). With Mush Brain ADHD it’s harder to have conversations because thought-to-mouth time is slower, rather than (with Fast Brain) lots of stuff is going on up there. Mush Brain often feels like, well, mush and like you can’t really form thoughts very well if you want to do stuff. It’s like you’re trying to focus on thinking a thought but it just slides away. Another way I’d describe it is having thoughts but it’s like they’re on a blackboard and they’re being erased as you think them, so they end up mostly smears. Obviously, this is just based on my own experiences as a Mush Brain ADHD person while my brother has Fast Brain ADHD, so this might be different for other people.

Both have lots of overlaps: executive dysfunction (that’s the big one), insomnia, auditory processing problems, hyperfixation (which is not a bad thing! I love my hyperfixations! They’re fun!), absolutely crap organizational skills, constantly losing things, really bad perception of time, detachment from the world (like you drift off into your own daydream, or things feel distant, but not quite the same as depersonalization/dissociating), difficulty making choices, sensory processing disorder, crap abilities with money, rejection sensitive dysphoria, and often comorbid mental illnesses like depression, OCD, anxiety, dyscalculia/dyslexia, etc.

Oh, and a lot of ADHD characteristics also overlap with depression characteristics (and a lot of people with ADHD have comorbid depression, so it really doesn’t help).

But I can tell you about my own experiences with some of these.

The Big One which is basically what that schrodingers motivation post is about, is executive dysfunction. People also call it procrastination (it only kind of is) or inertia. Basically, executive dysfunction is where the difficulty lies in starting the task. You want to do something, but you just can’t get going to do it. You get sort of paralyzed. It even happens with things you like. For example, when I made that post, there was a short (just over 100 pgs) book I wanted to read before the end of the day. It’s a good book! It’s on my reading list! I want to read it! But I just sat on my computer and watched dumb youtube videos because that’s what I was already doing and executive dysfunction makes starting tasks really hard. This happens to me a lot. It can happen with reading a book, or getting up to go to the store and buy groceries, or making a meal, or watching a movie. The movie-watching one happens to me a lot. Basically it’s the brain struggling to switch tasks; you’re scrolling tumblr, and that’s what your brain is focused on, and it doesn’t know how to switch from doing that to doing your bio homework or folding the laundry or whatever the task may be. This happens with “bigger” or more complex tasks too, like starting an art project or starting a new book, because your brain has to figure out all the components of that task (I need these items for my project and this amount of time and I need to use them in this order) which is overwhelming, or it needs to comprehend how “big” the task is (how much time/concentration should I try and commit to in order to read this book) which is sometimes hard to gauge. Oh, also this can happen if you’re interrupted in the middle of a task, whether it’s to do another thing or just to answer a question or something; it’s hard to get back to it because it’s another kind of switching tasks. Aside from the blackboard-being-wiped-thoughts, this is my biggest ADHD problem. I can go more into how I dealt with executive dysfunction in college and now if you want!

Auditory processing issues is another thing that I deal with, although to a lesser extent than some people. It just means it’s harder for your brain to process sounds/talking. Part of this, for me, is because if someone is talking to me but there’s other noises (music, other conversations, general loudish ambiance) going on around us, my brain treats them all as equally important and I can’t focus in on the person talking. Another part for me is in my experience I seem to process conversation different from explanation. If I’m talking back and forth with someone about something and it’s not terribly important, I’m fine. If they’re trying to explain something to me, give me instructions, or read a passage of text to me, it just does not stick in my brain. If I’m helping my best friend with her grad school applications, I have to read the sentence she’s asking me check, I can’t have her read it to me. If she does read it to me, I’ve realized that I try to imagine the words as text in my head so I comprehend it better (it doesn’t always work). Auditory processing issues means that a lot of my conversations in public with people who are not my close friends (and therefore easier to pick out from the noise because familiar and/or easier to predict because familiar) are filled with a lot of me going “what?” Retail conversations with customers are slightly easier because there’s at least a mild “script” that they’ll stick to, usually.

Another one I experience is organizational problems. This one was bad enough that I actually went to a tutor-like thing to help me with it for most of grade school. Basically, I had no ability to organize tasks like doing homework or other activities, so things would get forgotten/lost/never even written in the calendar/etc. I couldn’t do projects because I couldn’t (and still kinda can’t) organize far enough into the future. I didn’t know how to break the project down across multiple days or weeks and make it manageable without totally forgetting pieces of it. I’d forget to write down homework when the teacher wrote it on the board, or I’d write it down but forget to do it. Or I’d do it but misplace it or leave it at home. My perception of time was also really crap; I couldn’t read an analogue clock until I was in maybe 6th grade? Even now I sometimes have trouble. It was hard to know how much time I had to allot to certain projects because I didn’t really have good perception of how hours fit in the day and how much time until homework is due and stuff. (Which meant lots of finishing things in class minutes before I had to turn it in and stuff. Once in uni I completely forgot to do an Entire Essay; luckily it wasn’t a class I needed to graduate.)

Along with this is losing EVERYTHING. I misplace things CONSTANTLY. I’ll put something that’s in my hand down to get a cup of tea or something, or even just to like, move a blanket, and I’ll forget where I put it. I’ve solved this problem with Important Things (wallet, phone, and keys always go next to my bed, for example, and rarely move from there if they’re not in my pocket. All important papers go in my Important Papers Folder as soon as soon as possible) but I lose regular stuff all the time. I’ll be working on an art project, I’ll put my glue stick down to reach for a piece of paper, and lose the glue stick in the time it takes to pull the paper towards me. The other day I was brushing my teeth and I put the toothbrush cover down to say hello to the cat and forgot where I had put it down once I had followed her to the next room. When things have a Place it’s easier, but I’ve learned to live with going “Where the FUCK did I put this thing? I had it a second ago!” at least once a day.

The “Mush” in “Mush Brain” is another big one for me. I don’t know if this has, like, a name? Or anything? It’s just what I call it. The best description for it would either be that blackboard description from above, or like you’re struggling to get to a thought through a lot of mud. Oftentimes I’ll have a sort of concept of a thought but not something full, and I know it’s there, but I can’t get to it. This is really apparent when I’m trying to remember a synonym for something, or trying to elaborate on certain concepts or pull ideas from texts. It doesn’t happen all the time. I was an English lit major in uni, so this affected me a lot back then. It’s sort of a similar feeling to reading the same sentence over and over and not registering the words, except it’s in your own brain instead. This kind of goes away for me when I’m writing/typing. Writing this out is easy (minus me forgetting the word executive dysfunction for like 5 minutes) but if you were asking me to explain this aloud I would struggle, probably. This is probably because I can stare at what I’ve written to see what’s missing or edit my thoughts, which I can’t do while I’m speaking, and also can’t do to other people’s interactions with me.

Just a general inability to focus is also one I struggle with. It goes with the “mush brain” to an extent but I think it’s different. It’s more like my brain doesn’t want to, well, focus on anything. If I’m just messing around on my laptop, that means I end up clicking back and forth between tabs endlessly because nothing is holding my interest. If I’m trying to read or do anything “intellectual” or “academic” it means I just can’t get myself to read or I can’t keep my thoughts on what I’m trying to write no matter how hard I try. Nothing holds my interest for long enough, it’s like brain restlessness. I try and concentrate on doing something, watching something, reading something, and my brain just slides away from it.

Rejection sensitive dysphoria is something I experience on a more minor level. It’s something that also overlaps with anxiety and depression. Basically, it’s a really intense emotional reaction to (perceived) rejection. For example, if my best friend says something to me with a certain tone or gets mad at me for doing something minor, my brain just goes “She hates you! She doesn’t want to be friends with you! You should isolate in your room and never speak to anyone again because you’re so annoying and terrible!” I know that’s mostly incorrect (although I also know I’m quite annoying and that’s another ADHD characteristic; knowing you’re annoying someone in some way and having no idea how to stop) so I can fight it but sometimes I do end up holing up in my room for a little bit. Things like criticism (whether towards you or towards, like, an essay or something) can also trigger this reaction. So can things like having an expectation that you’ll be good at something, and then failing at it or just not being as good as you’d hoped. (I developed a sort of defense mechanism for this one of never expecting to be good at things and never expect higher than a C in a class.) It also can come with a sense of feeling inferior around people doing similar things. It happens to me a lot here on tumblr, actually, because I’ll write a meta about something, and then read someone else’s good meta on the same thing, and feel like I’m an idiot and they’re really smart and nothing that I wrote was insightful or good. It happened to me in uni a lot too. It also happens to me kind of...secondhand, now. What I mean is, my best friend/roommate is extremely smart. Like genuinely one of the smartest people I know and an incredible thinker, straight A’s at uni in a degree she created, etc. She still gets imposter syndrome herself and feels like she’s not smart, and when she says she’s not smart, I feel bad for her but I also feel really terrible about myself, because if she thinks she’s stupid, then what am I? But again, it’s an overreaction to perceived rejection. It still sucks though.

There’s some evidence that ADHD comes with a whacked out sleep schedule. And not just insomnia (although that too, I know this because it’s 7am and I haven’t slept yet lol), but also Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder. Which basically means that most people’s circadian rhythms start slowing down so they’ll go to sleep around like 11pm-1am-ish, give or take. ADHD circadian rhythms are shifted so often we start getting tired around 3am or even 4 or 5am. (This is different from insomnia, btw, with DSPD you can fall asleep fairly easily, you just get tired later in the night; with insomnia it’s an inability to or difficulty in falling asleep quickly.) I always thought I’d just gotten my dad’s night owl genes, but it’s more likely that it’s the ADHD. I also have at least mild insomnia and it takes me a million years to fall asleep a lot of the time.

Hyperfixations are the Fun part of having ADHD (in my opinion). They can get in the way sometimes but they’re also really comforting and nice. Hyperfixations happen when you find an interest and it’s basically all you want to think or talk about, and you relate to the world through it, and you want to learn everything about it. It’s also a characteristic of autism. I’m not autistic, so I don’t know if there are major differences between ADHD hyperfixation experiences and autism ones. Anyway, often hyperfixations stick with you for a good amount of time, depending on the strength, and then you might find something else to focus on. Some of my hyperfixations have lasted a few months, some up to 4 years. A lot of ADHD people rotate through the same or similar ones. For example, a hyperfixation I had back in 2011-2014/15ish was Les Miserables. I then found a different thing to hyperfixate on. This past year I have returned to Les Mis. Hyperfixations are usually pretty cool, because it’s usually something you really like and enjoy learning about or doing and it’s kind of like the thing your brain would rather be doing/focusing on.

Personally, I’ve lived so long without ADHD medication that I’m fairly functional without it just due to coming up with personal adaptations and stuff. The thing that I have the hardest time with/that upsets me the most is the Mush Brain part, which also gets worse when my depression gets worse. I really would love to have clear, quick thoughts whenever I want. It’s frustrating to hold a conversation or try to write creatively and quickly when it takes forever for thoughts to fully crystallize in my brain and then come out my mouth or fingers. Right now I don’t have very good health insurance (all blame to covid layoffs) so I can’t really do the meds thing but I often wish I could. My ADHD is definitely not as intense or severe as some people’s. I have friends, and also my brother, who struggle a lot more than I do, and with different things

Holy hell this was so long. Feel free to message me if you have any questions! Or if you want me to elaborate on some of the things I do to deal with stuff.

#asks #squash rambles #wow i'm so sorry #as an adhd person i know that is a lot of text to read #i'm too verbose for my own disorder lol #seronility #adhd

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radiqueer · 4 years

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I'm sorry if this is an intrusive question, but in your knowledge, how does ednos manifest? Both for you and people you might know. I know for a fact that my relationship with food is not fucking normal, but I don't exactly know what to make of it and...wth...

ednos stands for “eating disorder not otherwise specified” which means it reps ALL eating disorders not covered under other diagnostic criteria. most, something like 70% of eating disorders fall in this category.

MY ednos looks something like this: i have an avoidant and distressed response to food and being told to eat. i tend to delay eating for as long as possible. i’m underweight and too thin for my age+weight, but i don’t have body image issues other than a generalized gender dysphoria that can’t be solved by transition. often, i delay eating for as long as possible. often this results in headaches and chronic exhaustion, shaking hands, nausea, loss of ability to focus (compounded by adhd). for example, right now I’ve eaten food equal to one slice of toast and one cup of tea since i woke up at 9am - it’s 2:20pm as i write this.

it’s hard for me to push myself to eat because i have adhd; executive dysfunction makes completing the steps of acquiring food difficult. i have autism and texture issues due to that which make eating a lot of food difficult. the food that i can stand, i often still need to be pushed into eating. i hate when people tell me i need to eat or gain weight and sometimes refuse to do the latter out of misery and spite. depression adds a layer of weight on top of all of this.

fundamentally, my eating disorder is about my desire to avoid eating because i feel like it’s unnecessary, distressing, and repetitive. there’s no solution for this that i can envision.

a friend was kind enough to share their experience with me also:

my eating has definitely been disordered at times and I’ve only just now, in my thirties, gotten a handle on it

so, I grew up in a house where my mother (whom I love) was always insecure about her weight and always dieting. so the language she always used - and still uses - about food is very morality-based. some foods are ‘bad’, others are ‘good’. if you have a bad food, you’re being wicked, and even if she says it with a sort of humorous thrill, as a kid you still internalise the guilt

it was also a house where, for various reasons, we never really had any chips or chocolate or candy or snacks like that around, only basic ice cream sometimes and never soda

so the combination of this meant that, when I did encounter junk food, I’d go buckwild and compulsively stuff my face, because if it was my only opportunity to eat it, then I had to eat AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

the added result was that, if I ended up with a surplus of junk food, like from easter or christmas, I had to eat it all IMMEDIATELY, because if I ate it all at once (in my mind) then I was only being bad once, and that was therefore better than eating a little each day and being bad each day

plus, I couldn’t control myself

which was one thing when I lived at home and didn’t control the shopping, but as an adult I’d never learned self-control or how to stop eating junk when

I was full, because I’d developed a compulsion around itthe fact that I can now have a tub of ice cream in the house and not eat three bowls the day I buy it, or have chocolate and not eat it all at once, or anything like that, is a development that’s really only been true for like… a year? if that?

like, I was making progress towards this state of affairs for a while, but the fact that there are uneaten lindt balls in my cupboard right now would’ve been impossible a year and a bit ago

plus the whole 'food is my only comfort while pregnant’ thing probably set me back a bit

but I’ve really worked at being mentally calm around it and reminding myself the food will still be there tomorrow and that’s okay, that looking forward to it for tomorrow is nicer than stuffing myself now when I’m already full

so that’s another way it can manifest. and here’s yet another:

I grew up in a household that is, uh, increasingly fucked up about food - - it's worse now than when I lived there - - but I dealt with most of it (along with the rest of the emotionally shitty aspects of living there) by just... mentally withdrawing from anything that wasn't safe. We ate meals together when I was little, so maybe food tied into that, idk.

I'm also autistic and not super in touch with my body at the best of times. So... it was pretty easy to just... forget to eat.

I found some risk criteria for developing an eating disorder sometime in high school, and accurately recognized myself in the parts that were focusing on "perfectionist" and "very focused on self control," so I made a very deliberate effort to Not Diet pretty early on. I was the only non athletic family member (still am--everyone else will run marathons or 5ks together on family gatherings) in part because I couldn't breathe when I ran, and I'm also the fattest person in my immediate family.

I tend to stop eating and think of food as actively unsafe and hostile when I get stressed out, and my willingness to eat tends to be one of the first things to deteriorate when my mental health does. I tend to eat high sugar things when that happens, trying to get calories into me, and that sometimes crashes my blood sugar and makes everything worse.

As an adult, I've also been broke for most of my adult life and very conscious of my finances. If I haven't planned ahead and brought food with me, I often find it hard to convince myself that it's worth it to spend the money on a snack or meal for myself - - which means I skip a lot of meals and then wind up wondering why I'm in a brain fog.

I avoid diet talk very rigidly, in part because I am really worried about what might happen if I picked it up. It's really tempting sometimes to just not eat anything at all, maybe have a Real Problem someone might care about, get that positive validation about my body even though said body doesn't work so great in terms of breathing no matter what.

if any of these experiences, or aspects of these experiences resonate, consider that you may have an eating disorder.

here is one description of what a healthy relationship to food looks like. because we live in a diet culture, it’s often really hard to tell what’s normalized dysfunction, what’s a diagnosable eating disorder, and what is healthy and normal - and sometimes, healthy and normal aren’t the same thing. people with healthy relationships to food will

eat when they want to

eat as much as they feel like eating

eat what they feel like eating

not hold their habits and needs against themselves

give their body as much energy as required to sustain AND thrive

have compassion with themselves for shifting needs - more food on one day is as valid as less food on another.

do not weight- or body-shame themselves or others

respect their bodies capacities, limits, and needs

(one thing you hear when looking for recovery tips for eating disorders is to “respect and honour your hunger” and “to make peace with food” but if your ED is anything like mine, you can see how difficult this is. my problem isn’t a lack of peace with food, it’s that eating is inherently distressing for me and everything else just keeps making it harder and worse.

but you know what would help my ED? eating foods one-course meals (which I do already) and eating things which don’t require assembly or complexity. foods like pasta, pizza, sandwiches, curd-rice, are all easier for me to eat than anything else. i try to snack on chocolate and chips and fruit, because they’re easily accessed and provide energy. my goals for myself are small: eat, as much as you are able to, do not unduly distress yourself.)

don’t punish yourself for having to figure out your access needs around food from scratch. don’t hurt yourself for what you need to eat and what you find easy.you can have an ednos at any weight. remember that more weight is better than less weight - more IS healthier. take care of yourself

recovering from an ednos looks different for everyone because ednos ARE different for everyone. it’s up to you to figure out your balance, but of course there is help and resources available. check out blogs like @heavyweightheart. try to cultivate a body positive and disability positive environment around yourself, because that helps no matter what you have going on. best of luck!

#eating disorder not otherwise specified #ednos #ed cw #Anonymous

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mayonakazkrazy · 4 years

Text

um... movie rant?...film th-....thought?...idk

Too Long, Won’t Read description is I have Anxiety and I’ve decided to keep it entertained with the random thoughts about movies and other things I like to give my head something to do besides just ruminate in the Executive Dysfunction Cycle.

To Skip to the actual Movie Talk portion just scroll past the stuff in Italics.

Sooo i’m trying a new thing out for tricking my anxiety into chilling out. My anxiety that manifests as Racing/Intrusive thoughts. Usually when i feel overwhelmed the thoughts are just my anxiety entertaining tons of hypotheticals from potential conversations/fights with people (friends, family AND randos) to just list after list about how ways i’ve fucked up in the past will come back to haunt me or how i’ll fuck things up worse in the future. It’s fucking exhausting and Executive Dysfunction is rampant and makes the cycles in my head all the worse. My brain basically becomes the Conspiracy Theory meme from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

I am in therapy and was on a medication that helped but I can’t get a refill on the meds for a while due to reasons and soooo i’m having to opt into more behavioral aspects to help my brain chill out from my own personal business and the dumpster fire that is 2020 America in general. When i’m at a very overwhelmed state, i find myself wanting to actually rant but the anxious introvert in me doesn’t really want to continually vent about my own issues which are, by nature, cyclical sooo they don’t really change just... pop back into my head to freak me out.

TO THAT END

I’ve decided to make my brain’s need to Rant and Hypothesize go to work on something more fun. Movies. Basically these are random thoughts about films and other things that my brain is willing focus on and will also trick it into thinking I’ve ranted about my real world problems because my fingers will be tired.

If you have decided to continue reading to the actual film thought part of this, then kudos for putting up with my already heafty ramble... i’m not done. Please keep in mind these are just the thoughts of my overactive imagination, i’m not any kind of professional in... pretty much anything to do with film analysis. and i HIGHLY doubt that i’m breaking any ground with the theories i’ll talk about. BUT the overall idea is that this is just fun for me.

FINALLY, spoilers for all movies and books involved (this time it’s Nightmare before Christmas and Coraline) This is also HIGHLY unedited sooo forgive my repeated words and mistakes in grammar, etc.

SO. Oogie boogie is the antagonist of NBC and wants Jack's Pumpkin King title if not to just be allowed to wantonly gorge himself on any random people he so decides to, right? yes. NOW, he's made entirely of bugs (and a few random snakes for extra shudder factor), all of which somehow make up this single minded Gluttonous mass that is the Boogieman.

At the end of the movie, Oogie's pillow case wrapping gets unraveled and he falls apart, the creepy crawlies that make him so THICC no longer stick together as a whole and so he dissolves/falls apart ALA the Wicked Witch’s "What A World" moment til there's not but ONE siiiingle Oogie bug that allows Santa to exact vengeance by way of his tiny human boot.

Now, my brain has decided to make a leap. IF the critters being contained IN Boogie's "skin" were ONLY kept together by the pillow case, then we're lead to believe that this casing is what lets Boogie control all these bugs to make him any kind of substantial or have any cohesive rang of motion. SO what is it?

Some kind of magic cloth either controlled by an OG Oogie bug or infused with the "spirit" of the Boogieman to allow him a physical presence in Halloweentown and/or to cast his creepy shadow everywhere. Jack pulling a loose thread on Oogie that causes him to fall apart, meaning it was stitched or sewn. And iiiiiisn't there sort of someone ELSE in the Clay-mation universe we know that has not only a thing for crafting amalgamations via craft supplies BUT ALSO has no problem with bugs?... even... enjoys them, and rats, and other not too kid friendly creatures...

Alll this build up to this single thought: What if... The Other Mother/Belle Dame from Coraline created Oogie Boogie. or at least gave him the magic pillow case to ensnare and use crawling creature to become a walking Boogieman?

I've got a couple scenarios for how this coulda played out, EITHER:

Oogie Boogie may have been one of the Other Mother's original creations for filling out her Other World to lure children for the Soul Eating. Meaning at one point maybe he was meant to be some kind of cute giant walking plush toy or something to be some poor kid's friend or imaginary friend made Real. But something happens, like the child also waiting too long to get the button eyes sewn and so Oogie starts to fall apart/have trouble upholding the act as time goes on. However, instead of waiting around for the kid to make their decision or for the Other Mother to get rid of him completely to save energy - believing that he would more likely become more selfish rather than remorseful like the Other Father - Oogie uses one of the "holes" in the Other Mother's world (as he may have noticed a cat using) to escape. OR he makes a deal with whatever eldritch horror (sortof described in the book) that controls the "tunnel" the children have to use to go back and forth and is granted his freedom but is send to Halloweentown instead of the Real World. Also, now forever his demented Boogieman self instead of whatever nice plush or pillow he was supposed to be.

Oogie was originally more of a spirit or at least non physical being that grew out of the collective fears and phobias of humans (think Pitch Black from Rise of the Guardians but VERY FEW beings can see him and he has less control of the world around him). Another option would be that he still was originally just One lone insect from the Other Mother's world that managed to become too independent from Mother's influence. Either way, he decides he wants to be more physically imposing so goes to everyone's ever moody Other Mother for help. They either strike some deal, or he manages to impress her enough with his creepy wit to get her to agree and so she makes the magical sack that uses bugs, snakes, etc. as filler that he's able to control so long as they're IN the sack (she would ABSOLUTELY know that Oogie likely wouldn't know the upkeep he'd need to do on his little burlap sack to PREVENT the loss of bugs via loose/separating seems).

I like both ideas at this point and they’d both allow for some tangential crossover without either REALLY affecting the respective worlds of either film. Obviously there’s problems with the idea but it’s basically a filler idea for me to consider what may have happened IF a Boogie Bug maybe made it back to the Belle Dame’s world to try and get her help again and how that... may not end in his favor.

But tis a ramble for another day. Many thanks to the likely one or two people that ACTUALLY put up with my random Train-O-Thought this far, hope you enjoyed the ride, watch ur step on the way out. I must punt myself to bed.

Goodnight. Stay Nerdy.

#long post #rambling #rant #random movie thought at the end there #Nightmare Before Christmas #Coraline #Character thoughts #Distracting my Brain

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myautisticpov · 6 years

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How do you get writing done in the middle of autistic burnout? I’m in the middle of burnout right now and I really want to write but I’m struggling to do the most basic of things

^^ I hope you’re ready for a very long list of tips because getting writing done is, like, the one thing I have down to a fine art. That and building spreadsheets...

1) Routine

If you can build writing every day into your routine, it will make it easier to do. There are a lot of conflicting feelings on “write every day” as writing advice - and I agree that if the inability to do it ever discourages you from writing, you should give the advice a hard pass - but the benefit is that if you’re writing every day, you can just write a little and still get somewhere.

2) 4thewords.com

I have been using this site since January last year. It’s basically an online RPG but you play it by writing. All of the monsters require you to defeat them by writing a certain number of words in a time limit, and then they drop the loot you need to complete story quests. You also get rewards for writing a minimum of 444 words every day. It really helps me to stay motivated with my writing.

3) Write or Die

Write or Die is another bit of software to get you to write. You set a word count and a timer, and you can set it to wither reward you at certain intervals or to punish you if you slow down. I set it to 1000 words in 25 minutes and have it show me a picture of Grumpy Cat and start deleting my words if I pause for too long.

4) Dictation Software

This requires more editing than typing, depending on which software/microphone you use, but it means that you can just tell your story aloud, which can be easier if you have an easier time speaking than typing. For me, I swing between my hand pain being bad enough that I struggle to type and not being verbal enough to speak.

5) Type on Your Phone

I sometimes use Google Keep on my phone to type up scenes when I’m in bed. Because I usually have my phone on me, it’s a pretty low-energy way to get a few hundred words down.

6) Plotting

Omg, plotting is vital! If you have a detailed enough outline before you start typing, it gets rid of the “I don’t know how to start” executive dysfunction problems. Typically, I sketch a very vague outline of a book and then fill it in with a lot of detail like so:

They arrive at Jessica's house

It's nice and cosy and Amy wonder how she managed to afford it and the small business she set up, remembering how little money Jess had when Amy was younger

Nightingale is there to meet them

Amy is glad to see her older cousin, though she can't help but note how calm and serene she is

Nightingale jokes when she brings it up, saying that she's just really into yoga

Nightingale helps her to unpack and asks if Amy is nervous about going to school the next day

Amy says that she isn't, determined to make that the truth through sheer willpower

Then when I come to actually type out the scene, I know exactly where it’s going and it’s a lot easier. I’d recommend the book Take Off Your Pants by Libbie Hawker on the topic.

7) Be Self-Indulgent In Your Writing

Write what you want to write, don’t let yourself get bogged down with ‘but it’s too silly, other people won’t like it’. Write what interests you and forget the rest. If it’s actually a problem, it can be fixed in editing, but I’ve found that trying to reign myself in to what I think other people want hurts my writing more than anything else.

8) Write Multiple Projects at Once

This is a one that other people often disagree with - and I do think that if you’ve never completed a project before, you should just knuckle down and try and get one done, even if it’s just a novelette or novella, to prove to yourself that you can complete a project - but I’ve found that having multiple projects in the works at once allows means that I can focus on writing what I’m in the mood for. Like, I haven’t hit my wordcount today by far and it’s almost 10pm, and I’m probably going to solve this issue by writing a project that won’t be published until 2020 at the earliest. But hey, then I will have less to write in 2020.

9) You Don’t Have To Be At Your Desk

No, seriously, that’s what the phone thing is about. And also I have dictated from my bed more than a few times. I know authors who dictate while going for walks and I have used my phone to write on the bus more than a few times. I also know that a lot of people have bought devices like the AlphaSmart Neo, which is a handheld that just lets you type into a text document and the screen only lets you see a few lines at a time, so you’re not tempted to go back and edit.

10) Taking Care of Your Body

Look, everyone hates this advice, I hate this advice, but I also know that writing is harder if I forget to take my iron tablets, so... Make sure you’re taking meds if you’re on them, you’re taking vitamins if they’re not in your diet, and idk some water probably wouldn’t hurt once in a while. I have a kettle next to my desk so that I can make tea to keep myself hydrated and a mini-fridge to keep me fed.*

11) Take Care of Your Sensory Needs

That kettle? Also because I heat stim. And I have stimmy music that I play when I work. Usually the soundtracks to special interest things.

12) 5,000 Words Per Hour by Chris Fox

This book has a lot of good stuff in it surrounding how to get in the zone, and I generally recommend it to anyone who has trouble concentrating on stuff because a lot of the stuff can also be applied to school work and stuff.

13) Writer Fuel™

If all else fails, get a mug and add:

- 1 tsp chilli powder (I use the hot stuff)- 1/2 tsp cayenne powder- 15g dark chocolate- 1 tsp vanilla syrup- 1-2 tsp instant coffee (I use instant espresso powder...)- A dash of cinnamon

And then add hot milk (I use almond milk), mix, and drink. It usually kicks me into high gear when I need it. As a bonus, pick a video game with short levels and play one while you drink/wait for it to kick in. Video games get your brain into DOING THINGS mode. I like Darkest Dungeon, racing games, or Jedi Academy for this.

*My bedroom office set-up if you’re interested in just how much I keep to-hand to make sure I’m not losing brain-functioning to having to leave my room for anything but the loo:

#food cw #long post #nospoonsgiven

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monochromayhem · 3 years

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Systemwise, we don’t know what to call ourselves...

You know how some people go through trauma and find God? Like the heavens part and they are told “I am here” or something? It was a similar experience with headmates. I’m experiencing weird questions so I guess it’s long post time!

Team Lucantia came when I was around fourteen or fifteen. My house was rife with high expectations for me and failure meant the loss of privileges like hanging out with friends (because social interaction is apparently a privilege and not a basic necessity of human functioning???). I began writing as a means to handle my loneliness. Usually I would do one of two things- bring myself to my characters’ world, or let the characters come to me. I called it “channeling” at the time, since it was something that required a lot of energy and often left me exhausted.

I think all along that exhaustion came from rapidly switching over and over and over again, since my novel series is dialogue-heavy. It’s benefitting my work- people who have read say the characters feel alive, they feel real (funny they say that, really). Even so, I didn’t talk about the off days- the days where I wasn’t writing and they’d continue to remark about things or have a conversation or- God forbid- front.

It isn’t that I hated them fronting, at least not when I was alone or with friends. It’s that certain members liked to act out. When my parents tried to take away the phone, an altercation that actually requires my mother the physically restrain me, Ink decided it would be a good idea to make threats. When my parents were already pissed off at the dinner table, Glasses would wind them up further because watching them get upset was genuinely funny to him. Wings? Wings would cry at every given opportunity, at everything that would possible upset someone of her age (she looks about twelve but she’s like half that age emotionally).

They didn’t really realize that I was at risk at the time, but they understand that now that I’m an adult and out of that house. Wings doesn’t really talk much but I’m sure if she met our current littles she’d have more to say.

That’s not even counting all the accents that I suddenly seemed to bear (thanks Glasses) that would freak mom and dad out. Needless to say it was a messy situation.

But origin wise, I’m not sure if it’s a pure traumagenic system. Maybe it’s because I am a spiritual person but I think there’s something weird and almost multi-dimensional at work here, if that makes sense.

Bear with us here.

Galaxy Squad is entirely Sonic the Hedgehog fictives from multiple sources. They came about this past year due to my trauma with my ex boyfriend, who literally told me I had no right to complain if I couldn’t help around the house (I had executive dysfunction issues).

Their sources seem to deviate from each other, but I’ll try to pinpoint each as best I can.

Blur is game canon, remembers Unleashed and Generations, but does not remember 06 or Forces (I think). Definitely remembers the events from 2001-2005 in general.

Cosmic remembers 2001-2005 as well, but remembers 06 because he’s talked about Mephiles. Though it’s confusing, I’m not sure if he remembers Forces or not- he’s concerned he might have actually done a very VERY bad thing but he doesn’t seem to remember doing it.

Mercury is Archie Canon, specifically Sonic Universe canon. He picked up menial labor waaay too quickly for my comfort and gets touchy at the term “teal-class”. He’s also obsessed with nature since his home is a concrete metropolis. He was one of two who entered via the summoning pool. It’s a baptismal font of white marble that is set in a room adorned with a chair, a basket with towels, and a stained-glass window appearing through the pool.

Phantom came through the pool approximately 15 minutes after first seeing him. Cosmic went to check and, of course, nearly got drowned in the pool for doing literally nothing to provoke him. Needless to say Phantom was touchy.

Somehow, Sunny was just lurking outside the house and found his way in. We made a truce that he can’t do bad stuff while he’s here. Not sure what the details were but needless to say he’s perfectly fine. Quiet and non-intrusive, but fine.

Amp, Ether, and Blue are all an interesting case because they are like Team Lucantia in that they came from something I created. Their doors just appeared in the endless hallway in headspace and just... found themselves here. They were really quiet for a while, but that’s because I have “sleepwalkers”- headmates who appear to be awake but are completely unaware of their surroundings, thus they are fleeting in consciousness.

Usually I imagine it’s accompanied by the first few notes of the Jaws theme when a sleepwalker gets close to the “living room”, which is within audible range of the front. It’s nerve wracking, tbh- they might wake but they might not.

Comet is a fusion of Blur and Cosmic. He’s kinda... full of himself sometimes? I mean, good for him for having high self esteem but like... we have a mirror and he stares at himself sometimes for a long time.

The summoning pool has some interesting notes I’ve made. For starters, it doesn’t appear to operate for just ANY type of teammate here- the only ones who have come through it appear to be people who have vanished or passed away. From the looks of it, it might catch people who die, disappear or are wiped from existence.

Take Mercury, for example, whose entire world was pretty much erased due to something called the “Super Genesis Wave”. He basically became identical to game canon afterwards. His timeline was literally erased!

And then there’s Phantom, who appeared to have ceased existing during the end of Forces, who just... appeared from the pool shouting 『まだ戦える！』 (I can still fight!). He seemed to have had a smooth transition between there and here.

Listen, I’m the one responsible for cataloguing how this place works, and if you ask me, this space has some weird things that don’t line up perfectly. I kinda like the seeming inconsistency- it’s a mystery that’s left unsolved and I can’t wait to decode it. But for now, it appears as though his ability to pull people forward is a gift, and the trauma merely acts as a key, of sorts.

We are still trying to figure this out, but Amp is correct. I am the spiritual type and I’m definitely someone who feels the term “channel” is appropriate in some sense- though I personally use the term “clicking” since it’s often in direct relation to interest that it happens, which makes the connection click and lock into place- but I definitely fear particular judgement because there are definitely leaps of faith that some people may have to make and just can’t.

It’s telling that it works like this for me. Practicing pagan stuff, I came to the conclusion that experiencing negativity makes the magic stronger for me. It’s the same with major faiths who believe in an exchange of suffering for blessings. Somehow, I think the pain I’ve dealt with has given me this capability, and if so it’s my responsibility to use it wisely.

I think the best thing to call my system is “trauma-gateway”.

I don’t think I’ll have new headmates anytime soon (fingers crossed) since I’m looking at the one-year mark of being untied from my ex, but I’m proud that I’ve learned to accept my identity. I realized I wasn’t as binary as I thought, that I was part of a system, that I COULD live “alone” and be happy. While I definitely wish I could have been with a flesh-and-blood partner, I would rather get myself into a place of comfort before I think about such things. Besides, Phantom has to like them, too.

#syscourse #gateway system #traumagenic system #pondering #long post #sry

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shadow-guardian-anabiel · 3 years

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My mom: you should tell me your issues! Let me know when you’re having trouble. Trust me and I will help you.

Also my mom: I don’t care if you feel terrible, you still have to get your shit done. You ALWAYS feel terrible, so either you’re lying or you should be used to it. I don’t know why you don’t organize meetings with your counselor to make school suck less yourself, it’s not like your anxiety, autism, adhd, bad experience with counselors and people who work in school, and chronic exhaustion would affect that. I think the reason you’re in pain is because of your posture, despite the fact that most of your pain is in your arms. The answer to executive dysfunction is to just do it. If you don’t remember things it’s because you don’t care. Your well-being is less important than your performance. I think you’d be able to pay attention better if you just tried. If school is pointless and exhausting, just put in EVEN MORE ENERGY by teaching yourself all the material out of classes using YouTube videos, despite the fact that you shouldn’t have to do this. I will now unload my trauma and the fact that I should never have gotten together with your dad on you. We will fight for the entirety of your formative years and I will badmouth him to your face to try to turn you against him. You only have “minor” autism and adhd, which means I get to act like you don’t have them at all. Your memory and commitment issues are your fault. I expect you, a child, to be just as emotionally available and willing to go along with stuff I want to do as I am for you, except I’m allowed to jokingly complain about it (even when you’ve asked me not to) and you are not. I will cry about you saying you don’t trust me after all this. Yes you should feel guilty but no this is 100% not a guilt trip. You should apologize for being sensitive to people who went over your reasonable, clearly-defined boundaries, because I am one of those people and don’t want to admit I am doing anything wrong. You are lazy for not doing things, unless you express that something like one of your various mental disorders or chronic pain is causing you to not do things. Then you’re lazy AND weak. I will now whine about how much trouble your sensory issues with food cause me. You are fat and that’s a bad thing because I, personally, have self-esteem issues. I am a firm believer in toughing it out and sharing the misery. I will now compare a chest binder to a push up bra. I am offended you won’t talk to me because of all these things I’ve said. I want what’s best for you, so long as what’s best for you is what I, personally, think you should strive for-

And she wonders why I avoid and don’t talk to her

#vent #my mom #mentions of ableist ideas #oh to be a traumatized teenager who doesn’t trust authority figures

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wisenedup · 6 years

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Why I’ve been so quiet so long(the gist of it is ‘intense family drama and really shitty health’, it’s very long sorry)

As y’all should know by now I have just like, an entire laundry list of mental health issues; I’m autistic(itself not a problem), have BPD, a severe anxiety disorder, depression, ADHD, and maybe C-PTSD it’s hard to say with everything else. Pretty much everything I have comes with the fun symptom of executive dysfunction, which basically makes it difficult to start and complete tasks- such as reading, writing, eating, cleaning, self care, etc. Basically it makes being alive difficult. Late 2016- long story short my mom moved out of the country and I had to find my own place and moved in with my boyfriend of at the time 5 years(now 7). He and I had been talking about moving in together for like 2 years before that, he was well informed of my MI stuff(including how hard/impossible it is for me to do dishes and things that involve leaving the house like garbage and laundry) and was very supportive; we agreed that he would be responsible for the dishes and whatnot. Fast forward about a year and a half, the house got so dirty we had 3 back-to-back gnat infestations, a pile of pizza boxes up to my waste, and maggots and mold in the dishes in the sink because Nathan hadn’t washed them in so long. At one point management of the apartment complex was notified and just *gestures* it never got that bad but it kept cycling back to ‘pretty bad’ because Nathan’s run so hard at work that he just will not do anything around the house and I ask him to do stuff and he complains and takes like 4-7+ days until he does it- I had to throw out my favorite pot because it got entirely coated in mold, we had over 6 garbage bags in the spare room at one point because he wasn’t taking them out, etc. Cut to about 2 months ago, we hadn’t been shopping in literally a month. We were out of food and I hadn’t eaten anything except a lil candy and like, 1 serving of McDonalds in like 2 weeks. My mental illnesses got about as bad as they ever have been and I napped for 2+ hours every day because I was so tired and miserable- I made a plan and the main reason I didn’t go through with it was because I couldn’t get the items I needed thanks to not being able to order stuff online or get to a store IRL. Blah blah blah other stuff blah blah, about 3 weeks ago Nathan’s like ‘I’m gonna go visit Bear(his friend who he talks to for 2+ hours every day) for a month starting April’ which like, great. Shit already barely gets done while you’re here, you’re gonna take a month off of your like $10.00 an hour job while I can’t work(I’m on SSI) to fuck off and have fun with your friend and leave me, a person with a severe anxiety disorder and no ability to leave the house, alone. A couple days after that I hear from my mom that she’s gonna be moving back to the states very soon, getting home before Nathan leaves for Florida actually. She’s gonna be in Ohio to visit me and auntie and pick up her car. Because we have a spare room and I don’t do well living on my own(I start to get anxiety attacks after about 3 days and they escalate to panic attacks after about a week), I was like ‘why don’t you stay with me while you’re here’. Blah blah blah, a little more drama(her ex-husband’s an asshole and was being a pain about giving her car back, she doesn’t wanna be here while he’s here, he’s threatening to call the police on her, etc etc) and lots of shifting plans(Nathan figuring out when he’s gonna go and come back, mom figuring out when she’s gonna get to the states, come here, go home, etc), we’re currently on “Nathan’s leaving on the 18th of April and coming back the 22nd of May” and “Mom’s coming the 21st of April and leaving probably before Nathan gets back”. My mental health always gets worse around my birthday(which was the 12th) and it was even worse with the entire thing with Nathan, him hardly helping out around the house, etc etc. I ended up doing most of the cleaning and he finally helped and he hasn’t been as much of a pain about it- but he’s also been working under the excitement of ‘I’m gonna be gone for 5 weeks’ soon and he always punches up the helpfulness around birthdays and anniversaries. He’s had like 6 days off in the past 2 weeks and while yes he finally has helped out a lot with stuff that needs done(I’ve had dirty clothes in the hamper for over 8 months, the fridge and counters are finally free of dirty dishes), there’s still more to do and he’s spent most of his free time on the computer, playing PS4, talking to Bear, and complaining about how much he has to get done before he leaves. On top of that, all this time(starting before our month-long absence of groceries and my literal starvation) I’ve been complaining to mom about how he doesn’t help out like he said he would and how he complains so much when I ask for help, how he won’t come serve himself when I make dinner, etc etc. I told her how we hadn’t been shopping in a month and I was literally starving and desperately suicidal for like 2 weeks and along with the topic of her moving back to the states she was like ‘well why don’t you move in with me’. After about a month of thinking, cleaning, mulling, talking with a bunch of my friends with it... It’s not good for me to stay here. I realize and completely understand that his job is hella stressful, but it’s not the most stressful job anyone has ever had. The other manager screws him over and he gets stuck with shitty shifts, but he has 3 days off every week and accepted responsibilities around the house. I definitely believe part of his problem is that he never fucking eats; the difference in mood and energy I had after going from ‘barely/not eating at all’ to ‘eating not necessarily well but at least once daily’ is astounding and it’s just insanely frustrating living with someone who doesn’t do the things they said they would do, complains when I ask for help, and lets the house get so bad we get maggots, fruit flies, and mold. Our respective mental health stuff plays VERY poorly off of each other and when the house gets bad(aka all the time), my mental health nose dives. Never mind how rarely we go shopping, translating to how rarely we have food, made even rarer because the dishes are so often dirty and the counters are so often covered, making it impossible to cook. My mom on the other hand, even when she was working like 60-65 hours a week 6 days a week(compared to his ~40 over 4 days), while less stressful than his(she owned a vape shop in a small town), still got chores done every week, helped me do them, helped me cook when I couldn’t, and went grocery shopping EVERY WEEK. After a lot of deliberation- I don’t want to screw him over by not being around to clean any more and once my SSI isn’t helping pay rent and bills any more he’ll be left with about $190 a month after rent and bills for food or anything**- my friends have helped me realize that me leaving isn’t throwing him under the bus-- he’s already done that. Me leaving is me pulling myself out from under the bus. So. That’s been rough. I’m gonna talk to mom about it while she’s visiting but at this point it mostly comes down to whether or not I can bring my cat, since I refuse to leave her here or rehome her. **Also he’s made a few comments about ‘I know I complain about my job being shitty but who else an afford to take 5 weeks off with no pay!!’ and I’m like... NOT FUCKING US. You’re a shift supervisor at a KFC, dude. I’m on SSI. We have so much extra money because we never go grocery shopping(that right there would take care of over $400 a month), we don’t have a car, we don’t have any insurance, we never go anywhere(shopping or otherwise. cabs in town are $6 one way and Nathan likes to tip a dollar or two, so that’s at least almost $30 a month we aren’t spending), we never clean so we aren’t spending money on laundry or cleaners(the use of the laundry machines alone would be $10-$20+ every month that we aren’t spending), so like. There’s over $450 we just aren’t spending every month because we DON’T DO THE THINGS WE DO. And he always harps on about how ‘wow we’re responsible adults!’ RESPONSIBLE ADULTS EAT, CLEAN, AND WASH THEIR CLOTHES, NATHAN. Responsible adults don’t blow over $1,500 on a 5 week vacation with no pay when they make $10 an hour. Just. Ugh Things have been pretty alright the last few days because it’s my birthday and nathan is always way more helpful around my birthday so we’ve ogtten most of the cleaning and stuff done and I was feeling bad about thinking about leaving but just like, dude. Shit is so bad and he’s acting like it’s not. This is even longer than I was afraid it was gonna be :/ Thanks if you read it all and just. Ugh. Yeah. Finally got most of the house cleaned up and my birthday’s behind me and my mood’s improving some, so I’m gonna be trying to get active on here. Nathan’ll be gone for 5 weeks soon so I won’t have the stress of having him around for a while and I’ll be able to cook for myself without fear so that should help... but also I get so anxious alone in a house. Probably will be limited activity while mom is around too because we’ll be hanging out and we’re gonna go out to eat at a bunch of places and to at least the Aquarium. Nathan’s gonna blow insane month we don’t have on visiting his friend? I’m gonna blow money on mom and me. I have over $1,000 in cash because, again, we never fucking shop, and I won’t be able to spend any of it until at least after the 21st and I’ll get another $750 on the first, so I’ll be set for a while, but I’m gonna try to save a good portion for if shit works out and I end up moing back in with mom.

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seven-oomen · 4 years

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Okay, this probably won’t be that long, because I have an early shift in the morning, and really should probably already be in bed. But, I am very glad to hear from you again, even if things are shitty right now. Also, omg, again, you are not a dick for focusing on your mental health for a while. I figured there was a good chance that was part of what was going on. I have multiple friends who have pulled back from various social media, because shit is just really fucked up right now, and most people are having trouble dealing, without any extra issues on top of it.

I’m really sorry about your therapists, and hope you can either find some equally helpful new ones, or maybe follow your old ones if they end up somewhere else? Would having official diagnoses possibly help make your old employer more cooperative about the unemployment stuff? And that sucks about the whole reducing how much welfare you get if people help you thing. The US has similar stupid issues with some of their programs. I have a friend on disability that has to be careful how much child support she gets from her ex at a time because if she has too much in savings she could lose her disability. Which is ridiculous on so many levels, but hey, what else would I expect from this country at this point?

Things at work/in my city have somewhat settled down at this point. Protests are still happening, and the cops are still being assholes, but slightly less so than before. Things aren’t not good necessarily, but they’re better. And while I still have to fight the urge to throw elbows with customers who can’t understand proper social distancing, work has been okay on that front at least. My schedule has been all over the place due to various people on vacation/medical leave, but thankfully nothing covid related.

Speaking of vacations, I did finally get a few days off, even though I did not get as much done as I’d hoped. I did get at least a few items checked off my list however, so that’s something. The most entertaining part was after I finally cleaned out my “bar cabinet” as such, and tossed all the old and/or opened liqueurs left by past roommates and guests that hadn’t been touched, in some cases, in years. I didn’t toss everything, but it was a pretty fair amount, and as I was taking out my recycling afterwards I just kept praying I wouldn’t run into any neighbors lest they decide to stage an intervention (so…many…empty…bottles…)

I’m trying to get into the holiday spirit this year, but between (probable) executive dysfunction and rollercoastering anxiety, it’s been sporadic at best. I added some more songs to the Halloween mix on my computer, so now it’s nearly 10 hours of music, so I’ve been playing it to try and help. I have a decent amount of decorations up now, and I caved and bought two frankly huge pumpkins at the grocery the other day that I now have to figure out what to do with. One of my friends is trying to arrange a spooky gift exchange since we can’t have any of the parties we normally would, so we’ll see how that goes.

And I will definitely get that story dug back out and give it a going over as soon as I have a free day. I think it was pretty much done, but it’s been a little bit since I looked at it because I’ve been trying to get further in my current WIP (I need to listen to that “Just write the scene” post, because that’s one of my main issues right now, thinking of scenes for later and getting irritated because I’m not that far in the plot yet.) And I very much still love that universe, and think of those assholes fairly often.

Holy crud, it’s later than I realized. To sum up, I’m very glad that you’re still here, and if getting through stuff requires the occasional tumblr sabbatical, that is absolutely okay. Take care of you first. And if you want to email me, you can, that’s an older email address, but I do still check it sometimes. Be warned, however, that I am pretty much fuckall useless for any helpful advice. My main skill is to be awkwardly yet earnestly encouraging while having no real clue what to say. But I’m here. And on a related note, I continue to be awed and impressed at the way you refuse to let any of this stop you, and keep pushing through despite everything, even if it doesn’t feel that way from your side of the view. (I hope that made sense. Like I said, not so great with the practical advice/support, but I assure you the sentiment it there.) I’m glad you’re doing the best you can, and that Mo is doing okay (I didn’t know he’d been having issues, poor kitty!) Sending all the hope and positive energy (to both of you!) *Hugs!*

Nah but I feel like a dick for not saying anything or responding to anyone on here and I feel like a dick for worrying people. And for that, I do owe you an apology.

(I also recognize that this is probably one of these things that was hammered into me and is a residual thing I still do. I apologize for everything.)

And honestly, it’s really appreciated. It really doesn’t feel like it no, but the logical part of me does agree with you on that one. And I’m really glad you’re still around <3

Mo’s doing okay despite his arthosis, he was limping a little last week but the new food seems to be working and it’s slowly easing again. He seems to be a lot happier now.

Ooh, Spooky gift exchange sounds like a blast though! I was going to go ghost hunting but one of my friends has COVID at the moment and we’re going into a second intelligent lock down over here.

(You’d think the Dutch would be better at social distancing and wearing masks... but- yeah, more and more people seem to be doing the typical annoying Dutch habit of me me me and fuck everybody else and I’m not going to be controlled by my government and wear a muzzle. And yeah, we have a semi-curfew now and Germany has already decided to close its border to us.)

So I definitely get how it might feel for you guys and I’m really sorry people are being dicks to you. If I could slap them I would. <3

I’m glad you got to take a few days off though, sounds like it was really something you needed and I’m happy you got to tick some boxes.

Also this is the funniest thing I’ve read all day:

The most entertaining part was after I finally cleaned out my “bar cabinet” as such, and tossed all the old and/or opened liqueurs left by past roommates and guests that hadn’t been touched, in some cases, in years. I didn’t toss everything, but it was a pretty fair amount, and as I was taking out my recycling afterwards I just kept praying I wouldn’t run into any neighbors lest they decide to stage an intervention (so…many…empty…bottles…)

Cause it kinda gives me the image of Noah doing that when he’s clearing out his own house to prepare for the move to the Hale house. And he clears out some of the old bottles of alcohol. And my brain keeps supplying the image where his family catches him in the act and stages an intervention for him.

Idk why that’s so funny to me.

Glad your neighbours didn’t catch you though XD.

It is kinda late over here too so I’mma head in and catch some zzzz’s. Hope your day went well!

#ben says stuff #my convos with anon #B #submission

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bizarropurugly · 6 years

Text

Dame’s Eating Problem(s)

okay so I’ve been wanting to make this post for like ever now but kept getting too tired to write it but basically this post is going to be a detail on my difficulties with eating and food

so tw for disordered eating, and food obviously, and vomiting too, and unsanitary stuff too, there might be ableist language, suicide and self harm, body image and/or dysphoria probably? I think that covers it

let’s get this show on the road below cut

So to start with, I have digestive issues, a tender mouth, sensitive teeth, and autism. This makes eating hard enough already.

I am sensitive to grease, sugar, dairy, spiciness, and salt. Which kind of sucks because I actually need a lot of salt in my diet due to my vasovagal syncope and chronic low blood pressure, but it burns my mouth so brutally I swear I even bleed. Some other examples of problems I have would be eating a candy bar in one sitting makes my teeth ache, or fighting between puking and shitting myself to death over most fastfood because they use so much fucking grease.

It’s very possible I have irritable bowel syndrome but I have hangups with getting any of that checked out, mostly that THAT particular area of my body, I am actually too shy and embarrassed over to want to risk any kind of... examination of it... haha... and with all my other problems it takes a back seat.

Then there’s the autism, which is almost unpredictable in what will set off my gag reflex sometimes. I know for certain peanut butter*, mushrooms, and anything with legs (such as some shrimp and DEFINITELY any squid) are guaranteed triggers.

(*Small amounts of peanut butter in things like packed candy bars or puppy chow are fine. Small amounts, though.)

And then sometimes I just get tired of eating something and will come close to puking on just the thought of eating it. This mostly happens with meat, potatoes, pastries, and whatever you’d consider shit like waffles and pancakes. Vegetables and fruits seem to be safe for the most part, but unfortunately they’re not very filling and their acidity / fructose content can trigger my OTHER digestive issues.

I’m guessing it’s an autism thing because it’s primarily about the textures that I don’t want to feel when I get tired of a food, hence why it tends to be with... squishier, sometimes slimier stuff I guess.

Usually food intolerance comes from the fact I have very few options of “safe” food and eat the shit out of any I find, and ultimately make myself hate it temporarily from that being the only thing I ever eat. Sometimes, though, this is permanent, such as with peaches, pears, chili, goulash, pineapple, and at times beef stew specifically of the Dinty Moore line.

This is a backdrop for how my troubles began. I kind of ignored this, like, aggressively for a long time, particularly because of being abused by adults over it? I had no explanation and everyone thought I was being a picky brat - in fact being called picky was a trigger for me as a kid because it was always in such a brutally negative fashion that implied I was a lying spoiled piece of shit because I would shit my pants or throw up over some adult’s stupid fucking idea of “kid friendly” food like tacos and peanut butter sandwiches.

So I just... didn’t eat. A lot. It got worse over time. I was so tired of fighting about food, and I was tired of not knowing what was going to hurt me, that I just straight up forewent eating, often. Very often.

By high school, I was probably only eating lunch twice a week. When I graduated high school I was down to like 95-98 pounds.

But it wasn’t just that, actually. It got worse, if you can believe it!

What this did was pave the way for me to get worse as my depression, anxiety, and other untreated mental illness took their toll on me in high school. Years of ignoring my hunger pangs / being used to them left me with no realization of just how bad my mental health was, because not eating was normalized to me.

It came to be that even when I had food that I liked and knew was safe, I couldn’t eat it. My body was completely rejecting anything I tried to eat. And I didn’t notice for a while because it “wasn’t” interfering with my life, because it was all par for the course. Starving was par for the course. Like, my mother worried about me moving out on my own because she knew I had to be pushed to eat, otherwise I’d go the whole day and not notice.

I can’t remember when I realized something wasn’t right. I do remember a particular moment in my favourite restaurant, which I didn’t get to go to often because we are poor and it’s a steak place, and I think it was my 18th or 19th birthday, and I had my most favourite things to eat in the world in front of me and... couldn’t eat it.

In fact, I threw up for my hubris in trying to make myself eat it.

And I started crying, because I was hungry, I was SO hungry, and this was my favourite food, and it wasn’t fucking cheap, but... I couldn’t eat it. My body wouldn’t let me, and on top of that, I fucking THREW UP on the table. I felt so ashamed and like a horrible person, because of course wait staff has to clean that up, and I was so weak and tired and just wanted to eat my fucking steak and go home...

(This was when I learned to never, ever, EVER push it if I’m feeling this way lol)

And this kept going on, actually. The explanation was never found until I actually got help for my mental health, but only after urging from my best friend after confessing to them a suicide attempt.

I don’t remember how we went about trying to find the cause before I came in about depression. I remember that I was literally wasting away for like... 5 or so years. It wasn’t just the depression that made me fall asleep in class or in the halls between class. I was always cold, too, cold and weak, and could often be found wedged underneath a radiator at school. I got so small and tired and miserable. My mother says I dropped towards 80 pounds before I finally got help.

I kind of really hate it because I used to be strong, but I was beat down. It was beat out of me, verbally, emotionally. Bullies nobody did anything about, teachers proud of embarrassing me, everyone around me thinking I was obnoxious and retarded, having no actual friends. I used to be able to carry classmates twice my size and take down football players. Now I really am a sack of shit, now in a more literal sense.

When I fell through the mire, I lost it all. The muscle and the wile and the flexibility. Started failing my classes, when I had previously been among academic elite. None of those kids thought I was smart enough for it either and couldn’t wait to position themselves as better than me when I literally fucking DYING, STARVING TO DEATH, TRYING TO KILL MYSELF.

....But that’s a tangent. Sorry.

Anyway, once the problem was actually found, and I got put on medication, it was like magic. I could eat again!! I could seriously eat again and not be afraid of throwing up or wasting food or anything!!

And by god, did I eat.

A common side effect of psychiatric medication that they don’t seem to explain very well is that your appetite increases. In my case, where I was literally starving, that was like going from 0 to 100 overnight. And I get why it’s a side effect - difficulty eating is a very common symptom of depression and anxiety! - but nobody told me how intense it would be, let alone that I should be careful.

You know how you’re not supposed to feed a starving animal a full bowl of food right away or else they’ll make themselves terribly sick because they’re stupid as hell and will gobble it down in seconds?

Basically, that. I gobbled and gobbled and gobbled everything my fucking hands could snatch, even my not safe foods. Didn’t care that I was shitting my brains out because I could FINALLY EAT AGAIN. I was so excited to EAT AGAIN.

Well, by starving myself, I had completely destroyed my metabolism. Experts have said it over and over again, starving puts your body in panic mode, and it relegates everything to storage.

So now I’m fat. I eat the same as I did before the troubles really got going, but because I went through several years of NOT eating, I have completely fucking screwed my body up. I’m fat, fat as hell.

And I’m pretty sure it’s not my “normal” weight because when I finally sit up out of the fucking mire and get to exercising and eating on a normal schedule, I lose weight, or at least change fat to muscle pretty easily.

But I’m wracked with stress and little to no feeling of control on my life. My mental health is spiraling again and I’m not eating, let alone eating right, again, and certainly I don’t have the energy to properly exercise myself.

Back when I first started my job things were better and I was excited because I was losing weight and feeling a little healthier because I was on a regular schedule, but now...

My executive dysfunction is also being a fucking pain in the ass because it keeps waving a metaphorical to-do list in my face and saying, “No!! you can’t exercise now!! look at all this stuff you need to do!! you have so many things to do!! there’s so many things and they need to be done and you can’t do anything ever without doing all the things right now!!”

The consequences are worse now, though. I have to actually drive and be at work and be an adult, which takes a LOT of my energy, and if I don’t eat? I pass out. More vasovagal syncope bullshit combined with the chronic low blood pressure. It was one thing falling asleep in high school, but now I have much more I need to do in a given day thanks to life being, you know, life.

Sunshine and One Eye keep me from letting myself wither, right now. I have to have a job and go to it in order to take care of them. If I didn’t have them, I’d probably quit my job and move back in with my parents and basically fade away.

Sometimes it’s a curse because I really, really don’t want to live, I don’t want to sustain myself. I’m... really fucking tired, I am beyond tired.

And I have to force myself to eat, but it’s rarely anything worthwhile anymore. It’s almost always snack food because it’s just so hard to eat anything right now, let alone something fulfilling. It takes me months to go through a bag of pretzels or something because I’m so unwilling to eat. I don’t even buy actual food now, no butter or bread or soup or meat, because I’m so unwilling to eat that it ends up expiring without ever being used. I cleared out my freezer recently and had food in there that expired in 2015. The only thing my fridge has is juice, soda, and milk for cereal for breakfast (the only dairy I’ll be able to eat for the next 12-24 hours unless I’m feeling less sore for once and want an ice cream cone lol).

So. Uhhh.. I guess that’s it. That’s my problem. Ruined metabolism brought on by starving because depression which was easy to do because I fucked up my eating instincts from a childhood of Angry Stomach vs Angry Adults, and now I’m heading right back in that direction again.

And I fucking hate it because all my life I’ve been skinny but strong-ish and smol but now I’m just a weakling blob and none of my favourite clothes fit.

#eating --//#disordered eating ---//#suicide --//#ableist slurs --//#food --//#bad brain business #dame disability chronicles #new tag I'm gonna use for writing about my disabilities...#...when I get around to the other posts

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