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hotdamnmadison · 5 months

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Life Updates... time away captains log

Fellow Tumblrites,

I hope you've been well. I'm writing this 12/29/2023 at 2:18 PM.

It probably won't go live (I'll schedule it) until January 1st at some point. I've had a few beers. Fucking sue me.

I'm writing this to let you know that I'm actually pretty optimistic for the New Year. Big plans with work, an uphill battle to fight, and a new outlook on life is the prize I receive when I reach the top. Not IF I reach the top. WHEN I reach the top. A real underdog story for sure. But I'm going to make it.

I've been trying to come to terms with my "situations" lately. Financial, mental, physical, and yes sexual you fucking perverts ;)

Lets start from the top....

Financially things kind of suck at the moment.. but with January upon us I am optimistic that a few solid deals will turn my shitty situation around in no time. I'm hardly worried. Not because I'm disassociating or anything like that. I'm just not worried because I HAVE to make this work this month. There is no other real option. If my financial woes continue past January my life is essentially fucked. Anyway, just need to do the activity that it takes! I'm going to be fine.

Mentally things are horrific! But I'm simultaneously desensitized to it. I've thought about talking to a professional. Maybe in 2024 I will look into that further. I think (believe it or not) fixing my financials will fix my mental health by default (sounds unhealthy I know). They say money won't buy you happiness but yeah - it'd fix a lot of my problems, for sure. I'd rather be a "well off" head case as opposed to a broke one.

Physically I'm an office fembitch now. That means I should start PROBABLY start working out again. I love running but it's cold as fuck, gets dark way too early, and I'm typically not sober when it comes time to work out (don't judge). Hoping to clear up the drinking so that I can have more energy to run and lift come 2024. Maybe some body pic updates?

Sexually yeah perv, the moment you've probably been waiting for ;) I actually have been chatting with some people (locals) and I remember why I hated Double List and other similar sites so much. No one is crystal clear with what they want. And they always disappear on me for one reason or another. I'm content fixing the other aspects of my life first. And if the right person comes along then so be it. I've considered officially "coming out" as bi or pan in 2024 recently, but I don't currently have the balls.... maybe later in the year. Still don't view myself as trans. Just a gender fluid pansexual amoeba floating through time and space hunting for dick, pussy, both, or neither.

That's my current shit-show in a nutshell. I've a long way to go. But I'm still a firm believer in the idea that I can turn this around in 2-3 months.

I've dug quite a hole, yes, but I know it could be much worse. I'm hoping to fix this and become an active "Tumblrina" again by March or April.

Feel free to hit my ASKS and reblog my posts as you please. I would love nothing more than to come back to a huge batch of notifications.

Stay winning dudes, and happy fucking New Year 💋❤️

#hotdamnmadison #life update #asks and replies #my asks

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hotcrossbun · 7 months

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potential trigger warning:

I'm unsure of all the triggers I'll post so read at your own discretion. thank you. (addiction, divorce, DV, homelessness, sewer slide ideation, family separation) ((i think thats all))

diagnosed: bipolar 2, PTSD, gad.

ive been diagnosed bipolar 2 for 11 years. I'm only 26 years old but I feel my life has spun a little out of control this last year- since November of 2022. I impulsively (and probably mid episode) got married 5 years ago (2018) to a person I knew in high school. my daughter was only about 10 months old. it was really great while we were initially seeing each other but got married after only 2 weeks of officially dating. 😬 I was scared of the idea of being a single mom, trying to do it all and be mom and dad. and i did love them, we knew each other well for years and fell out for a while, but I wanted a sense of family and stability for myself and my daughter. I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself, but very very quickly the relationship turned. a lot of it was my fault- but there's plenty of issues that went around. I wasn't managing my illness well and they had been diagnosed BPD. their family eventually pulled back and enabled behaviors. there was a lot of abuse to each other from both sides. physical and emotional.

my daughter saw a lot she shouldn't have, me with injuries that probably scared her, listening to a lot of yelling and bad things. I feel horrible about it. I feel like I didn't protect her correctly but I still wanted her to have a family. I tried to leave multiple times but felt I had no where to really go- I felt safer in the chaos, at least it made sense, right? my instability and lack of support had transferred to my daughter unintentionally and I can't forgive myself for it.

after my ex spouse was arrested for DV in March this year we continued to talk and communicate when we weren't supposed to. ( no contact order ) maybe a little trauma bond-y but we both got evicted from the apartment and bc of a lack of support in my life we moved into another place together. I felt me and my daughter wouldn't have had a place to go. but the relationship was the same. we both triggered the worst parts of each other and both were pretty heavily drinking nightly at this point:(

they got charged officially in early July and when the court stuff was over they really never came back home. it was right before Father's Day and it really hurt me and luckily my daughter isn't really old enough to quite understand yet. (she's young, also a bit on the spectrum and has some speech development delays)

but I hurt for her because they decided to no longer be a part of either of our lives. (since July they have spoken to her 3 times and moved away from our hometown as well) ((everytime they spoke i had advocated for the communication))

my daughter and I moved a few states away for the summer to try to restart closer to my sister but my drinking was a little out of control. the divorce was finalized after our move and it hurt me a lot. I felt that I would tolerate anything for their love but they couldn't accept consequences to their actions. and I think it triggered a deep mixed episode I wasn't aware I was in. but I almost figured it out, I had an apartment lined up in a new state- 2 jobs, a new drivers license and insurance in a new state, my daughter was enrolled to start school. (all done while severely impaired, I was constantly under the influence of alcohol) ((sober now but probably would still drink given the ability, sadly enough.)) we were going to move out of my sister's as soon as I paid the deposit for our new place and my application got accepted to the complex- but the night before my daughter was supposed to start school I was deeply intoxicated and my sister noticed. she has a very low tolerance for any form of substance abuse and I did know that. I just rationalized what I was doing- I thought bc I was sad and upset- going through a lot- since it wasn't illegal- since I was still getting things done- that it was okay. we got kicked out of my sister's house that night and had to stay in a hotel for about a week.

while we stayed in the hotel I got very very low and contemplated sewer slide, my daughter couldn't get to school bc I didn't have a car and the buses didn't go all the way out to where we were, my sister wouldn't watch my daughter so I could work, and I was running low on funds to continue to pay for the room and a deposit on my apartment. I felt alone and like there was nothing left I could do. I acknowledged my negative consequences to my decisions, and the guilt hit hard, i just felt so lost. my wallet got stolen and had my card maxed out. we couldn't fly back to my home state bc my ID was in my wallet and I thought we were going to be homeless. I made some calls and long story short now we live with my daughters bio father, after a lot of borrowed money and a 18 hour car ride, and a lot of grateful feelings towards him and to the universe.❤️

I've always loved this man, I am now dating him again. he's never done wrong by me, it was always me that left and created any of the minute conflicts we've had. I think it has been a long time coming- me and my daughters dad being back together- he has been my best friend for longer than I can really put my finger on. but sometimes I feel like I've just lost all control of my life and worry we're just together bc I lost everything, because we've always been there for each other. recognizably harsh, he would be hurt if I said that, and doesn't lead me to think that. I just worry. he's not a perfect guy, he has tendencies at times that are hard to cope with but I love him for it it all. he's been through a lot lately too- but he's kind and tries really hard to be here for me even when I don't want him to be. he loves me and sees me, our upbringings are different but similar enough to be compatible. he helps me be better, more open, he keeps my heart and soul soft. hes no stranger to mental illness in himself or his family, but also doesn't struggle in the same way as me. I understand him and I hope he feels as if I've been here for him the same way as well.

last night after a long long trip, I started to feel a little episode starting to creep up after handling some situational and circumstantial things that are from our pasts. we both respected each other's separate lives but now have to make them coincide. collaborate and mix our separate lives into one. and now I feel like I'm in another mixed state. wanting to change my emotional identity and be someone else, impulsive feelings and manic thinking and lots and lots of guilt and feeling like an imposter, like I don't deserve to be here in this life or to be cared about. to be taken care of. to participate.

I know this man doesn't trigger me the same way but I have some deep rooted issues and emotional instability that I've been able to keep at bay for the most part. but there's a big part of me that recognizes that just 6 months ago this is not at all where I pictured myself or my daughter. I wouldn't truly change anything about right now- I'm happier ironically and feel safe. it was an off route to happiness I feel. but I fell behind again in things like med insurance and jobs and my daughter going to school bc of moving from out of state to back into our home state, and I have some solutions to these issues, we are balancing responsibilities that contain large dynamics that are so new- but what if the instability never ends? my life is unstable. it always has been. same with my emotions. am I bringing chaos to others lives?

how am I supposed to trust myself in the new life and 'solutions' and know if it's actually coming from a stable non-episode thinking? I always trust everything initially and then it turns into something else, like others are misleading me and I'm misleading myself, maybe that I'm misleading them, with or without the intention to do so. I internalize and am self aware almost to a detriment and I think it just causes more issues, bc I don't know what really is sane and what's not sometimes. am I delusional? am I missing the bigger picture? I love hard and feel everything so deeply idk what to trust anymore.

luckily my daughter is adjusting well, she's smart and kind and healthy, she's strong and willful. I just know that it's probably so hard on her and she lost the person she knew her whole life as her father. been moved around and the one thing she wanted to do was go to school and I couldn't do that for her. I feel so guilty. she's happy, her bio dad loves her so much but also I know that huge transitions for little ones isn't always easy and losing people no matter who they are hurts. she may not get it super well right now but I worry when she's older and really starts to grasp everything that has happened it will be something she will genuinely struggle with. it feels like its my fault. I wasn't dealt the best hand in life and although I do my best with it, by default it's her life now too.

I guess I wanted to express, maybe get some validation and advice. I'm seeking therapeutic services but waiting lists are forever long and it doesn't seem to be possible at the moment. I'm holding in there, I'm okay, just feels like everything could not be okay in a moments notice. I feel alone in my type of situation and feel so misunderstood by some people who've meant the most to me. I can't blame anyone though for not understanding bc I don't really understand it myself. I'm strong but only so beefed. smart but only so intelligent. I worry this is my life now. constantly just waiting for the ups and downs to make themselves known, and the consequences of my actions to be the things to tell me that I was in an episode and wasn't thinking clearly.

if you got to the end of this thank you for your time. I don't have a lot of people to talk to and I have very little family. I know my boyfriend loves me but I won't bring him down with my worries. I know that these neg feelings are probably fleeting but the consequences of life never are. I just wanted better for my daughters experiences. for her emotional well-being and her stability. I hope I am on the correct life path bc I am growing tired and a little hopeless that I am making the same mistakes. thank you again⛅

#mental health

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alifeasvivid · 1 year

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I posted 3,718 times in 2022

672 posts created (18%)

3,046 posts reblogged (82%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@usukisses

@my-scones-are-free

@lightpinkstuff

@alifeasvivid

I tagged 3,319 of my posts in 2022

Only 11% of my posts had no tags

#usuk - 1,287 posts

#aph england - 459 posts

#aph america - 459 posts

#ukus - 283 posts

#xd - 110 posts

#contractual obligation fulfillment - 89 posts

#reference1 - 82 posts

#wfsn - 71 posts

#wfsn-ish - 70 posts

#lol - 67 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#like england's all 'yeah i probably wasn't ever going to ask for it while sober so... i'm actually somewhat glad you made the first move'

My Top Posts in 2022:

“You’re there in all of my memories, but I’m not there in so many of yours.”

I bet it just kills America, keeps him up at night, eats him from the inside out, knowing that England has had whole lives he wasn’t even alive for and will never fully know and can never truly understand.

52 notes - Posted June 26, 2022

I’ve talked before about England being possessive and I do think that’s true... but I do imagine, that after hearing all his life about England’s romantic and sexual relationships with so many others all the while he himself was pining desperately, America is prone to intense fits of jealousy as well.

52 notes - Posted February 12, 2022

APH England

Edit: Found the source! thank you to @caesar

54 notes - Posted October 7, 2022

okay. whether usuk or ukus, America being tsundere/respectfully trying to hold himself back, trying to get England’s attention, trying to show he’s romantic partner material and being hopelessly, utterly desperate about it, sanity fraying at the edges because he just wants England so bad, and he’s always about two seconds from slamming England against the wall like “notice me, damn it!!!!” is choice. That’s good shit. One of my favorite dynamics for them.

Better still if England is rather oblivious to it... until America finally cracks.

59 notes - Posted March 31, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I’ve said this like a billion times but sometimes I just think about little feral child England... no one to care for him, having to do everything for himself and constantly fight for his life... and just never wanted America to have to go through such hardships and then, from his point of view, that upstart brat throws it all back in his face when all he wanted was to give America what he never had and of course that would make him angry, break his heart... even if he wasn't listening and what America really wanted/needed was independence. So, America will never fully understand how hard it was for England to be so small and alone in a hostile world, just like England will never really understand why America would reject his care and protection when he wishes he'd had it when he was young and I think about that and my brain goes wibbly and I stop making any sense and write run-on sentences and I just...

81 notes - Posted April 8, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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toogayforthistoday · 2 years

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Little bit of a rant, cause I'm back on the Borderlands!AU hell wagon, Borderlands is one of my Special Interests so of course I'm hyperfocusing on the lore again, and continuity errors bother me

Spoilers for Borderlands 3, said rant, and pet death mention under the cut

I was writing some more of Gabe and Dabi's Borderlands!AU, cause I had to put my Heart Rat, Eris, to sleep last week, the night before I was supposed to get home from my trip, and I'm still incredibly heartbroken about it, and for some reason my go-to coping mechanism is writing hurt/hurt, no comfort, we march into the thorn bushes naked to feel better /j /ij /lh

I was thinking about making Hawks another Siren for story purposes (screw genders, we're all hermaphrodidic frogs in this house /j /lh /ij), so I went to go look at the list of known Sirens...

And I think I just realized there’s a canon timeline issue if there’s only supposed to be 6 Siren’s at a time, with the 7th and final one locked away for everyone’s safety.

Because at the time of Borderlands 1, we have:

Lilith, with Phasewalk (who was a Siren from a young age)

Steele, with an unknown power (who had the rank of Commandant in Atlas’ Crimson Lance)

Maya, with Phaselock (who got her powers as an infant, and given to the Order of the Impending Storm)

Amara, with Phasetrance (who has had her powers since childhood, first using them when she fought a bully)

Angel, with Phaseshift (who got her powers as a child, and was at the very least in her mid-to-late teens while helping the first batch of Vault Hunters) and

Tyreen and Troy, with Phaseleech (who it is implied got their powers from Nyriad, seeing as the ancient Eridian-Speaking Siren had locked them in the Vault on Nekrotafeyo where the twins were conceived | As up until this point all Sirens were women, it is assumed that the only reason Troy is a Siren is because he was Tyreen’s parasitic twin, and somehow ended up absorbing some of Tyreen's Siren abilities as well)

They were all, or at the very least should have been, Sirens, so there's the 6 right there.

By my math (apologies if I'm horrendously off here, I'm going off my memory and 2 minute google searches through both fandom wiki and the Borderlands threads on Gearbox's Forum site, so something's bound to be off), there's:

About 5 years between Borderlands and Borderlands 2 (Mentioned many times in-game)

There's about a year between End Game-Borderlands 2 and the Commander Lilith and the Fight for Sanctuary DLC (Lilith mentions Mordecai had been sober a full year so he could properly raise Talon, who hatched shortly after Handsome Jack's death)

Then 7 - 8 years between Commander Lilith and Borderlands 3 (Off-handed comment from Vaughn about the VR torture devices only really being used to play games from 7 years ago, making reference to Borderlands 2 VR | Tiny Tina has 'World's most dangerous 13-year-old' in her Borderlands 2 Title Card, and 'All grown up. Still insane.' in her Borderlands 3 Title Card. Presumed to be around 20 as Gearbox has yet to give an official age)

So 11 years minimum, 15 years at max, and both those numbers are if we fudge them as far as canonically possible. And all of these lovely ladies, and Troy (with the obvious exceptions of Angel, whose power passed on to Tannis, and Commandant Steele, whose power is probably currently sitting in some poor teenager at this point, can't wait to meet you in Borderlands 4!) are at least in their late 20's - early 40's during the events of Borderlands 3?

So here's where my issues show up

There’s a couple of comics set during Borderlands 1 (Borderlands: The Fall of Fyrestone and Borderlands: Tannis and the Vault), that introduce another Siren: Asha, with some kind of Animal Control ability that I cannot find if there was ever an official name given or not, other than Animal Control.

According to the comics, Asha was employed by Marcus as an attendant in Fyrestone, greeting the Vault hunters as they come through the town and helping them get set up, as well as close friends with Claptrap. Two months prior to Roland, Mordecai, Brick and Lilith being dropped off in Fyrestone, Nine-Toes had rigged a bus to explode on arrival as part of his first attack on the town, and Asha was thrown into a coma when she was hit with shrapnel. Claptrap sent her to New Haven to been cared for by Tannis, finally regaining consciousness just before the Vault Hunters leave to fight Sledge. The only time we ever see her use her Siren abilities is when the final piece of the Vault Key is eaten by a Rakk Hive, leaving Tannis, Asha and Claptrap to rescue the nearly defeated Vault Hunters. Claptrap gets badly damaged, Asha reveals to him she's a Siren, she disperses the Rakk swarms, letting the Vault Hunters launch a bomb into the Rakk Hive, killing it.

Asha's status has been listed as unknown, and I cannot find anything about if the comics are canon or not. But that is still 7 Sirens during Borderlands 1.

So, as I was playing through Borderlands 3 on stream, back when it originally was released, I came across Nyriad's Audio log, "Warning":

You. You know now all that I know. This was an epitaph, not for myself, but for the world I knew. I have brought ruin to the Sirens, murdered the Eridians, and imprisoned a primordial force of the universe. Perhaps I have earned your hatred, or your sympathy. But that is not why I write these words. I have told you the truth, no matter its hard edges. Before I can put my fractured mind to rest, I must pass one more warning.

You must never find the Seventh.

(I could not find the written transcript for this Eridian Writing anywhere, even on the fandom wiki, so I ended up transcribing it myself from a video. Many thanks to EruptionFang on YouTube for having the complete Eridian Writings Messages with timestamps so I didn't have to launch my game just to get it)

Anyways, I pointed out that I could have sworn I'd read something, probably around the time of, or just before Borderlands 2 official release date, saying that there were only ever 7 Sirens at a time, and was very confused as to when they'd changed it to only 6. Am I the only one that happened to? Is this another case of the Mandala Effect?

But back to my rant, did Nyriad think of herself as the Seventh? Or was she referencing another of her sisters? Cause if she was talking about herself, then I kind of wish Nyriad has been clearer in her warnings, y'know? Instead of being vague... But if she was talking about one of her sisters, then yeah, canon's wrong. The way she worded her warning kind of made me think she was referring to one of her sisters, so...

The other possibility is that the comics are not canon at all, in which case canon's correct. But I would like official clarification on that.

Can we please know, Gearbox?!? I'm begging you guys to give us a straight answer!

But yeah. Mini rant over. Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk.

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secretrecoveryjournaltymb · 5 months

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12/11/23

The last few days have been pretty fantastic, in comparison to the rest of 2023.

I ran a lot of errands yesterday and stayed pretty positive all day today. I scheduled a consultation to bleach my hair, which is either impulsive and destructive, or an act of self-care. Who's to say. I'm excited anyway. I'm almost done getting all of the boxes out of my apartment from my recent purchases, and I don't think I have anything else in transit. (That's good)

So I guess everything feels pretty calm right now. I am coming down slowly, I think, from a hypomanic thing that lasted since March? With small bouts of depression mixed in. I'm not sure how long this relative normalcy will last. I won't be up to the full dose of my medication until sometime in January, so I just have to deal with it I guess.

In order to help reach a state of order and normalcy, I have some new rules for myself-

No vaping inside my apartment/office. Only in the car/outside. Count on laziness to get me to quit

No laptop or snacks in bed. Makes it way too easy to "rot" as the cool kids are saying.

Eat lots of snacks! - Apparently something that happens is you can stop hearing the messages from your body as well, so it's important to practice listening and figuring out what your body needs.

Be the person you need. My favorite example is if I'm really craving someone to just be there and sit with me in my darkness, then I have to do that. It's so hard, but accepting the sensation actually helps the feeling pass that much quicker.

Some background-

I left an 8 year relationship last November/December and went out into the world on my own for the first time, at 25 years old.

I suspect that my ex was a narcissist, but I also think it's hardly worth thinking about at this point. Looking back, I can recall several instances where I was fully convinced that I was "too weird", and I would need to change myself in order to be accepted. So, I spent a long time in that relationship feeling like I had no personality, wet blanket, y'know?

There was also some childhood trauma that I became aware of, nothing dramatic, just some suspected emotional neglect, so I'm thinking that when I was 17 and met Matt, I had already not been given the opportunity to fully develop my personality.

I went through the standard Anxiety/Depression diagnosis process when I was a teenager and landed on Bipolar 2 this summer. The medication seems to be helping.

I'd like to start a log that tracks energy level, overall mood, and self-confidence per day, or however often I can get myself to update it. I bought a large pack of colored pens to experiment with that.

I have to remind myself frequently that I'm actually doing a pretty good job taking care of myself, because everything feels out of control usually, for no reason. I pay my own bills, buy my own food, and take care of my cat with minimal difficulty.

I feel a lot of resentment for my parents for not doing a better job. I kind of wish they would just leave me alone at this point in my life. This is not a fun feeling, there is a lot of guilt associated here because I want so badly to believe that at least my dad did his best. He's the only constant in my life. Alcoholism is not a choice; it seems to be a generational curse in my family. Whenever I visit him, he makes casual references to it as if it's not that big of a deal. I guess that's a trigger. The worst part that I remember is when it was just my dad and I in Fremont. He was drunk most of the time and sat in front of the couch watching Columbo. I have wondered if I spent more time with him during this period if it would have helped. Another thing that's not really worth thinking about.

Leaving home while he was in the thick of his disease was heart wrenching, but he got sober 6 months or so after I moved out. So it turned out for the best, I suppose.

I'm not sure if my Mom loves me in a traditional way. I don't know much about her. The first time someone implied that she abandoned me/the family I remember breaking down, because I thought there was more to it than that, but I guess she had had enough. After the divorce, I only remember seeing her on holidays. I have a memory of picking cherries with her and Fred once, but she didn't seem to recall that. Little ironic.

My stepmom, JoAnne was involved for a little while. Her and my dad met when the family was living in North Judson, and after they married, we relocated to Valparaiso. A couple years later, JoAnne was laid off or fired from her job and got a new one in Omaha, so she took my brother Matthew out there with her to a 2 bedroom apartment in Bellevue; my dad, my brother Fred, and I stayed in Valparaiso.

I've been asking myself lately what kind of effect JoAnne had on my mental health and emotional development. I remember her as a very abrasive person, somehow very passive aggressive and confrontational at the same time. She was controlling and once grounded me for closing a drawer with my foot instead of bending over. She told me I was too young to have cellulite when I was 15 and refusing to go to the gym with her. I remember her dragging me to get acupuncture while I was having a full-on meltdown. She gave me the gentlest little slap when I spilled nail polish on some fabric. We had an argument about steamed broccoli the night I decided to run away from home and do my second suicide attempt, among other things. During the process of her divorcing my dad, she approached me and informed me that it was my fault they were splitting up, and they'd be happy together if it was not for me. So it goes.

My dad and JoAnne sent me to detassel the summer I was 15. The process was to be dropped off in a Home Depot parking lot, or something like that, and a school bus would take the group of detasselers to a cornfield to work. Afterwards, they would drop us back off in the parking lot. My horror story is that I was dropped off in the parking lot after detasseling and no one was available to come pick me up, so I sat there for hours, which is what I remember anyway. Maybe it's an exaggeration in my mind, but this could definitely be contributing to a feeling of being abandoned by my family, or a general feeling of being insignificant.

This is all in the past of course. I'm just writing it out to make it make sense. I'm big on organization so hopefully after the initial blurbs that need to happen, I can get some sort of structure going.

I also need a certain amount of attention, so I figure putting this in a place where someone might actually read it will be a good motivator to keep up with it.

#mental heath support #trauma dump #bipolar ii

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jerkycampbell · 8 months

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Is Tumblr still a thing???

... trying it out again with some new content including original #songoftheday now accompanied by #recipeoftheday and #articleoftheday first post is an #articleoftheday I’m very aware that everyone is “over” talking about covid, but immune compromised, disabled & their family members don’t really have the option to just forget about it and move on. I fit into those categories. here are 8 (recent) articles to read about covid: Accountability for Canada's covid-19 response — The BMJ "Covid-19 led directly to 52750 deaths in Canada with more than 4.6 million reported cases as of mid-2023. This cumulative covid-19 death rate of 1372 per million exceeds the global average of 855 per million" I'm immunocompromised, so COVID-19 is still a big risk for me. When I got into grad school, I had to choose between my health and my education — Insider "When I expressed my fear of getting sick, well-intentioned friends asked, "If COVID could kill you, why go to grad school?" This question pained me because it reinforced the idea that my immunocompromised status should prohibit me from pursuing the opportunities my peers had access to. The question also placed the weight of my well-being on my own choices rather than on the actions of systems and institutions." Restrictions likely helped curb spread of COVID-19 in N.S., Dalhousie researchers find — CBC "In March 2022, Nova Scotia ended its COVID-19 state of emergency and no longer required people to wear masks in most public spaces. The next month, cases in the province hit an all-time high." She says her boss told her she can't wear a mask, so she quit — Yahoo/CBC "... the case raises questions about workers' rights and what constitutes a safe work environment." Long COVID still worrisome 2 years after infection — Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis "For far too many people, the continuing and enduring risk of long COVID and its long-term, adverse effects on health are sober reminders that the pandemic is not in the rearview mirror" What the Fight Against HIV Can Teach Us About Surviving the COVID Era — Vice "... survivors of the HIV/AIDS crisis of the 1980s and 1990s have been noticing unsettling patterns of human disconnection and disposability through both pandemics." Long covid has derailed my life. Make no mistake: It could yours, too — The Washington Post "Masks began disappearing. I tried to warn the people I loved. Covid is airborne. Keep wearing an N95. Vaccines protect you but don’t stop transmission. Few wanted to listen." The horrific food poisoning of Calgary children underscores the unravelling of public health in Canada — The Globe and Mail

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xjkhttp · 1 year

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Personal experience with consent

I am doing this because I have a lot on my mind and can't let go of what happened.

I am a 17 years old female who looks 14, it is my last year of highschool and I am think I almost lost virginity to some form of sexual assaults. I would like to share my story so everyone can (still) know better than what I did. I was always a very serious person, considering my gender and how dangerous it is outside at night. But this guy that I'd name K changed my perspection of my doings and so I disobeyed my mom which I shouldn't have.

He is a year younger than me and in a different highschool. I first met him in highschool junior and lost sight of him after my departure for highschool. I saw him again in march when I recognized him in my bus it was probably around 6pm. I said hi and said it back and kept looking at his phone, he got kind of handsome really. When I got home that night i saw he added me on every social medias and came to talk to me 24/7 on insta. He proposed to go out drinking in our street once after gaining my friendship and trust. I agreed, I was the only girl and they were like 4 to 5 boys if I remember but we all know each others. That night I got drunk slept againgst a wall and when it was time to get home my mom took her medicine which helped her sleep and locked me out of the house by accident. That was us drinking for the first time together, I dont really enjoy drinking but since it is trendy among people of our age I thought it would be great to go out a bit and have a social life tho I did not know what was coming.

I finally succeded going home around 7am, mom said she was sorry, she hoped everything had gone well I told her "yeah dw" that was the truth but then i got notification from k again he said "that night was amazing and we should do it again but just the 2 of us and you should pay for the bottle this time since I payed for that night. I agreed sensing nothing but a friendly invitation. On a saturday at 8pm we met again (probably 1 week and a half after the first time i drank out). I dont last long with alchool unlike him and he knows that but we were 2 with a big bottle of rhum i drank 3 glasses with juice mixed in it and i slept against some wall to sober up I was slightly buzzed but it kept getting worse and from there I forgot a lot of the things that happened, really.

Somehow after talking closely to each other he ended up kissing me like my soul was wanted. Honestly the best kissing ever, I was a little attracted to him but I never had this in mind whenever I met him. I'm kind of stuck up and shy I would never iniciate something like this and people know my reputation for never making a move. I remember him saying he got candoms at home which was kinda close to our current location. I never agreed to go, I just aknowledge what he said I could not walk properly so he packed up my bag and brought me to his house in his room ON HIS OWN and i was not even conscient of that. I gained my consiousness back when I woke up on his bed he was putting on red leds💀. He came back kissing me and my head was spiralling I could not see straight but I was not against some kissing i liked it. But then he undressed me while I was laying and I was very slow about what was happening. Then, he tried to rub me through my panties and pushed it aside, i had not realised at that time that he already was wearing the condom and was streaped down like me. He tried to put it in and i thank god for making me this tight cuz it really hurted and he knew it but tried a second time just to fail. I wasnt aroused anymore and could not voice it out. Then without again asking for permission he got to my lower body under the sheets, pushed it aside once again and literaly began to lick my clitoris. It was euphoric and it felt really good. But once sobered up I did not think of it like that. After that he kept touching me but I was totally knocked out and I dont know what happened from there . He woke me up at 7am and told me I should completely get going if I dont want to be caught. I dressed myself up and whent ooutsde with him. He tried to kiss me goodbye but I wasnt in for that now that i sobered a little. I got home to my mother very angry saying she didnt recognize me anymore because- my neck was completely purple. The bastard sucked my soul out, i dont know when. I was grounded and told to put vinegar on it to erase it the best i could. It didnt go off for at least a week and a half. Then she told me to go to sleep if i did not want a whooping. When i woke up I went to take a shower and my body reveal was like opening a kinder surprise. My hips, right part of my chest and right leftcheek was printed blue too. I did not know what to think. At first, i thought, "well highschool experience yk". But after talking about it with a close friend she told me it was not okay he did not ask me for permission and i was drunk and that basically that made him a duchebag.

I was delulu over that because of that attraction i felt for him but after thinking it trough, days later i realised it was not okay. He stopped hitting me up as if he got what he wanted I felt used and disgusted though he did not penetrate me. And i'd like all genders to be careful in any situation called "friendly" when alchool is involved. I genuinely need to do a lot of stuff to get over that. I will give my consent when sober thats for sure and I hope naive people like me will too. Im sorry toward victims of SA and such its horrible. Please educate people around you about consent and be careful.

#SA consent sexeducation

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backpacking2024 · 1 year

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320 DAYS TO GO 💪💪💪💪

almost 2 months into the year bro I have almost 3 grand saved up so far. been working 5/6 day weeks for a month now and honestly??? it's fine. my job is super easy it's just a bakery job where I package my silly little treats and sell silly little breads to people, and they pay me REALLY well for some reason (30 bucks an hr for dis?? okayyy,)

also having only 1 or 2 days off a week is doing wonders for my depression lmao? going to work already overrides all my depression and anxiety, like just not showing up to work is NOT an option for me whereas uni was like. a daily Herculean struggle deciding to go. but work is just work I can always do that AND feel really good afterwards.

it's also forcing me to actually use my days off. I finally downloaded my art programs on my mum's shitty old laptop so I'm gonna finally try and do art again. why is it so scary. I also went for a walk and read a book at a park yesterday like some fucking freak. it was aight

also trying to walk more every day because I NEED to get my fitness up for next year. I'm barely making 10,000 steps a day which I want to daily. and I'm still relying heavily on weed and vapes throughout the day. BUT my sleep is so much better!! a few weeks of forcing myself asleep at 10pm and now I'm naturally getting tired around 9:30-10pm and waking up around 8-9am. feel so much better lmfao

at the end of March (31st my bday :3) the goals are to have 5grand in savings and some art finished. and from then on its focusing on not smoking weed as soon as I get home and not taking my vape to work to try and cut down on those two things.

(but also honestly....I think I can keep vaping. I can absolutely imagine forcing myself to be sober months before I go away and then 2 days into Indonesia buying cigarettes. but I'll still try to see if it's overwhelmingly positive for me)

I'm gonna try and jog a few times a week from then on as well because all the boxing gyms around me cost 70 bucks a fortnight MIN. why god

#sorry this is a diary blog lmao #please message me if you are also being stupid and throwing your life away to backpack around the world #dear god please let me find something i want to live for #mine #diary #15.2.23

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strwbrryblues · 3 years

Text

Lowkey [Synopsis]

Pairing: Lee Know | Lee Minho x Reader

Genre: Fluff?, Drabble Series, Exes-to-lovers?, Exes-with-benefits?,

Word Count: 0.6k

Warnings: Referenced smut, Description heavy, Metioned making out (lots of times, kinda), Not proofread

A/N: Again, born out of a music, came this fic 🤧 By the way, the song I'm talking about is Lowkey by Niki! It's bee stuck on my head for so long, that it just gave me this writing inspiration 🤧 And Minho has also been plaguing my mind, what a coincident, AND a combo! 🥴😩

Anyway! This is just a drabble! (I really hated writing short fic, so I MIGHT write something similar to this, or maybe this one in all honesty, just more in dept 🥴)

Still hope you guys enjoy it! Let me know your thoughts! 🥺💗

[Edited] P.S. Lmao I've decided to make it a series, because the plot is too good for me to let it end with just 600+ words 🥴

Lowkey Masterlist

Series Release: March 2, 2022

Series Completion: ------

Break ups, result in different scenarios. One can end peacefully, wherein two parties accept each other’s reason for parting, without harboring any hard feelings. Another may end bad; one misunderstanding and letting it blind them, the other, waning patience until breakdown, or rather an explosive of hurtful words.

You can say, yours ended well. No hard feelings with the person you so dearly loved. Life just had different plans for both of you, and so you accepted the fate it brought when Minho approached you, telling you that nothing’s working out well.

Of course, the news was hard for you. You were hurt, but you saw that in the span of your relationship, you two just suddenly grew apart. High school was shit, and it did you a number—especially when you were falling behind classes. Your time with Minho lessened. Studying demanded more of your attention, because you had dreams. Minho as well.

So, when it was brought up, you simply accepted. Hurt as you were, you really couldn’t find the reason to push through. Any strain could damage the chance of you two, being at least friends.

After that break up 3 years ago, you never really had the chance to enter any relationship. You’ve dated, yes—blind dates actually, courtesy of Felix, a freshman-slash-childhood friend of yours, who always seem to have people to set you up with.

No other person leveled the number of feelings you get from how Minho makes you feel. Somehow, he was just always sitting at the back of your mind. Reminding you that he’s the only one who can make you feel like butterflies were a flock of migrating fucking birds.

But something suddenly changed.

It was during a college party, where you two had coincidentally met. You caught up with each other, surprised at the news that you’ve been on the same university for 3 years, but neither of you noticed—oddly as well, you were literally in the same department.

Night drew, and you two were only tipsy—the reason being both of you were the assigned driver of each of your group of friends. Someone had to keep your friends in line in these kinds of party so no one goes overboard, nor harmed.

And so, with sober hearts, and tipsy minds, came the irrational idea of you two making out in one of the frat house’s unoccupied bathrooms.

Somehow, the undying chemistry was there. The sparks flying upon your lips reuniting. And, God, did you love the feeling of his lips on yours once more. Lips ever so soft, and yet rough when kissing you. If Minho wasn’t holding by your waist, you would have melted into a puddle, on the floor.

The make out lasted for God knows how long, and it made your mind hazy. And you can only remember his lustful, equally hazy eyes, as he mumbled while nibbling on your ears, “Let’s do that again soon.”

No sooner did it happen. And again. And then again.

However, no one knew. No one in his group, nor yours. Even when your friends were merged together into a whole group, no one knew.

Suddenly, a year passed, your rendezvous still on going. Somehow, it’s not the quick make outs in bathrooms or janitor closets anymore.

When did it exactly change, from lustful requests and desires, to subtle eye contacts whenever the group is together, or the “coincidental” brushes of each other’s hands under the table, whenever you’re sitting side by side?

All you knew is that everything you did was lowkey, and no one else knew of it, other than you two.

-----

#stray kids x reader #lee know x reader #skz fluff #skz imagines #skz lee minho #skz lee know

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stonertransdad · 3 years

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Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

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angelvenin · 4 years

Text

fifteen days to slow the spread

on the topic current events. tw for the coronavirus, death.

If you feel sick, stay home.

Do not go to work.

Contact your medical provider.

So, I don't even know what number day it is that we've been inside. I haven't gone to school in two months. How long is that? Sixty days? It was only supposed to be two weeks.

After the first week, my sister and I circulated through every activity we could think of. Painting. Playing piano. Playing guitar. Reading. Writing. Sleeping. Cleaning. But things got boring after the third day of playing the only songs we know on piano. We're not the only ones that are bored. My best friends text me everyday of how they miss going outside. It was 90° outside today, and I spent every hour indoors. Even now as I write this on my laptop in the early hours of the morning, as everyone else is asleep. What time is it?

2:35 AM.

Oh.

I guess I should get some sleep.

If your children are sick, keep them at home.

Do not send them to school.

Contact your medical provider.

Right now I'd be in geometry, counting down the minutes until school ended and I could go home and sleep. But instead I've only just woken up. It's 2:01 PM. Claire purrs beside me and I reach over to scratch her ear. The morning - well, afternoon - feels oddly relaxing and calm compared to others. I walk downstairs to find my family waiting for me. This can't be good.

"Liliana," my father begins, sparing no attempt to soften whatever blow he's about to give. "You're very mature. You've always been mature. You're handling this pandemic crisis incredibly well, especially for your age. Your mother and I are so proud of you."

He says it in a way that feels demeaning. Because I'm a teenager I can't be mature? When did that stereotype start?

"Thank you," I say anyway, "so what do you want?"

"We're starting to run out of… essential items." My mother sighs, looking at me with her tired eyes. "Even though we stocked up, we didn't anticipate the quarantine lasting this long, and we just don't have enough supplies for the rest of the month."

I look at Rachel. She's playing on her Gameboy, a hand-me-down from Dad's childhood. I don't think she knows what Mom is about to say, but I do. I hold my breath.

"We never want to put you in danger. But we need your help. You and Dad need to get more supplies. Today." she says, hesitation pounding every syllable out of her mouth.

"You mean we have to leave?" I ask. My mom and dad slowly nod their heads 'yes'.

"I'm afraid so, jellybean." my dad sighs.

"This is… awesome!"

If someone in your household has tested positive for the virus, keep the entire household at home.

Do not go to work

Do not go to school.

Contact your medical provider.

Mom and dad stare at me, in shock. Even Rachel pauses from Yoshi's Island and smiles at me. I smile back.

"Liliana, you do realize the risk of leaving, right?" My dad clarifies. I nod with a smile.

"Of course I realize the risk, I'm just so excited to finally leave the house. We've been here for two months. I barely get fresh air. And I can't wait to see people other than you all! No offence."

"None taken." my sister replies, her eyes now back on her game.

"I'm… glad you can see the positive side of it," Mom awkwardly states. I look at my dad, who's still shocked.

"Your mother can't go, it has to be you. I hope you can take the responsibility."

I know my mom wouldn't be able to go. With her medical state, she'd be at an incredibly high risk of getting sick or worse. Her lungs and heart are weak, and her immune system is compromised. We all take care of her.

"And Rachel can't go, she has to stay with me." Mom adds. Rachel squints her eyes at me and I return the glare with a smile.

"So, are you ready, jellybean?" Dad asks.

I'm so ready.

I fill my coat pockets with everything I can think of -

Hand sanitizer.

Gloves.

Extra facemasks.

Hair ties.

My camera (to take pictures).

"Ready to rock and roll?" Dad asks once we're both situated in his car's front seats.

"As I'll ever be," I respond. He starts the car and we're off.

It's hot. It's hot and it's bright outside, nothing like I've felt since February. Almost no one else is on the road. No cars are even parked outside. It feels like we're in a zombie apocalypse movie. My dad turns the radio up.

"Paid leave has now come into effect for not just government jobs, but to those in retail and food. Many fear this new allowance will cause a dent in the federal budget, but the President assures it is able to be paid for. I'm Maya Diaz, NPR News."

I usually block out the news, since they've reported nothing but the same story since March. The virus is unavoidable. Celebrities talk about it, friends talk about it, the mass media obviously talks about it. First it pissed me off. But now it's just a fact of life.

"Don't pick at your mask like that," my dad says. I sigh.

"It's so uncomfy! Are we almost there?" I whine.

"Calm down, jellybean. We're gonna be there in no time given this traffic."

"Or lack thereof," I take in the empty lanes beside us. Absolutely no one is outside. The city is usually bustling and the traffic is awful. But today, just the two of us are surrounded by silence.

If you are an older person, stay home and away from other people.

"We need bread, milk, water, toilet paper, vegetable oil, meat, cheese, spinach, apples, bananas, eggs, and toothpaste." My dad reads off of the pink sticky note covered in mom's handwriting.

"And bacon. Mom forgot to write bacon. We need bacon."

"Liliana, your mother hates bacon."

"It's the apocalypse, dad! We need bacon!" I giggle. He glares at me seriously and my smile quickly goes away.

"You can't say that out loud." He whispers as he looks around us. The only people in the huge grocery store are three or four cashiers and some shoppers stocking up like us. "People take those kinds of jokes really, really seriously."

It's sobering. Rachel and I joke all the time, but I still know deep down it's not something to joke about. I forget to filter myself now that I've left the house. I nod and keep my head down as we get the rest of what's on the list.

"Your total is $201.90," the ever so gloomy cashier says once we've finished shopping.

"Prices have really gone up, huh?" Dad jokes. I silently roll my eyes at the casual banter, anticipating the painful reaction from the cashier.

"Be glad you can afford it, bud." the cashier spits back. My dad doesn't respond. Neither do I.

Once we load up the car, we drive back in silence. I listen to the radio while I snap some photos of the empty streets when we stop at red lights.

"Of course, this virus hasn't even peaked yet, which begs the question: when will it? For now, schools and businesses are closed and trying to handle this unprecedented emergency. It is not unlikely that schools won't open again for the rest of the standard school year, as reported by the superintendent and school board this Monday."

"What the fuck?" I shout, startling my dad.

"Liliana! Watch your language!"

"Are we actually not gonna go back to school?"

He sighs and purses his lips. Oh God.

"You heard what the radio said. These are unprecedented times. No one really knows what's gonna happen, jellybean, but you probably shouldn't count on going back this year."

I'm silenced by shock.

It was my first year of high school.

Everything was normal four months ago.

I was so ready for the end-of-year formal. Our first aid unit in health. The history test I was gonna retake next week.

I never got to retake that test.

Then I think about her.

Amy.

Amy, my best friend since elementary school. We don't have any classes together but we always find a way to talk either before or after classes, joking and smiling and laughing. We're best friends.

And I'm not gonna see her until September.

Am I even gonna see her?

"There are now over eight hundred thousand confirmed deaths caused by this virus. Doctors are still trying to find a cure, and urge everyone to please wash their hands and follow guidelines by the CDC."

I'm just being selfish.

#angel writes #writing #covid19

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