#and i very much read it as care on imogens part.
Note
i've only seen the scene once, so maybe i misread it, but... i saw imogen being kinda distant and stoic? detached hyper-rational? in her talk with laudna at the end. like, i saw more emotion in the whole fcg/fearne parents doll therapy. i'm not sure what i expected in this first "now laudna is scared and needs a friend" scenario, but i wasnt satisfied with the whole "she's evil, don't believe her. lets go we gotta solve our problems in order, there are bigger ones". again, maybe i misread it.
tl;dr: i think imogen approaches problems by just Feeling Minimal Emotions (sans rage), and Laudna and Imogen both have very distinct (and understandable) comfort/reassurance methods.
Hmmm. So, I don't really agree with this interpretation, although I can see where it comes from. Sure, Imogen was being very very- level, and matter of fact, and her tone very, very low and steady. You could make an argument for the detatched-hyper-rational tone, but I think equating it to a lack of care or even bad care really doesn't jibe for me.
A lot of this probably hinges on my personal reading of Imogen, but knowing that Imogen is the kind of person to sort of Shove All Her Emotions Way Down Deep And Do What's Necessary when things get dicey sets the stage here for me. Its been a rough morning. And after all that hubbub, after F.C.G is getting healed up- this is Laudna, normally her rock (ha), shaken and wavering and none of her usual stability in sight, Delilah threatening more and more, and Laudna is- rattled.
It makes a lot of sense to me that Imogen is trying to stay as steady, as calm, as level and logical and rational as possible, and trying to provide that to Laudna too.
I also think that Laudna and Imogen approach comfort and reassurance in radically different ways- and both ways that make a lot of sense for their characters.
Laudna comfort tends to be about- affirmations, and validations, and compliments. Its very positivity oriented. Its about 30 years alone, about isolation and a horrific death and people recoiling in horror from what you are, and town after town of hostility. Its about finding small good things and positives in an ocean of awful to hold onto and showering compliments and little gestures of support. Cups of water in a hand. Sometimes the logistics of things are bleak and tragic and the facts don't change when you look at them, but you can find the good in them if you keep looking.
Imogen comfort, on the other hand, has a lot to do with breaking things down until you can breathe right again, until you can corral the panic and the whirlwind and spiralling into order again. Its about- a brain overwhelmed with thoughts, your own and others, about fear that grips you by the throat and leaves you sleepless. Its about spirals of anxiety/thoughts/feelings that paralyze you if you try to indulge them. Its about- crushing the emotions down, the good, and the bad, before they can overwhelm you. Give your hands and your self something to do. Breaking down those insurmountable problems into bits and pieces, truths you know. Things you are sure of. Things you have to be sure of, so you don't get ripped into howling winds.
Or to put it another way- i think the surety, the facts, are meant as a comforting gesture from Imogen the same way a cup of water in the hand is for Laudna.
And. I think the more terrified she is, the more angry, the more there is on the line- the more still and sharp Imogen goes. ( 👀👀👀 )
(None of the above directly dictates how helpful it was for Laudna, but the intent? I think the intent was there.)
#i very much like the second half of this meta it crystallized some stuff for me#critical role#cr spoilers#c3e31#imogen temult#laudna#sorcery pact#character meta#laudna meta#imogen meta#spar speaks#ask away!#my meta#speculation#this isnt anything against you anon and i get it if this kind of comfort style would just be Bad for you. valid! but i think it makes sense#and i very much read it as care on imogens part.#i do think laudna shouldve gotten a hug though#🤔
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ours are the moments i play in the dark
pairing: conrad fisher x fem!reader
summary: you come back to cousins beach after a few years away. conrad is not particularly happy that you're back - and you aren't particularly thrilled, either. too bad there's a history (chemistry?) neither of you can deny.
warnings: ANGST (im so sorry in advance...); flashback is from conrad's POV and the rest is from reader's perspective; mentions of sex + losing virginities (nothing too detailed/graphic); reader has an ex who's referred to with gender neutral pronouns; reader and other characters drink alcohol (pomegranate margaritas ;) ); hints of alcoholism (reader's mother); jealous reader who's trying her best; pining conrad who's a bit of a jerk; reader and conrad fight A Lot (they will make up eventually i promise!!)
tags: @stargirlsirius-recs, @ifilwtmfc, @qwertyb2577, @allnrsnz, @baconeggndcheez, @peanutbelley, @imogen-skye, @geekinthefuschiahair, @tvije, @drikawinchester, @maybankslover, @junnniiieee07, @elcpsstuff, @fangirl-kimora, @redbierd, @starkeylover
a/n: thank you so much for all the love on my conrad series so far! i love these characters and writing their stories, and it means so much that others are enjoying reading my work. there is one more part left and i promise it will be happier so stay tuned :)) i haven't watched the last two episodes of season 2, but i'm planning on writing a bit for that, too!! thank you x infinity ♡
part one | part two
i lost a friend / like keys in a sofa / like a wallet in the backseat / like ice in the summer heat (finneas, "i lost a friend")
now — summer, age 18
“you know, you guys aren’t fooling anyone.”
“and what exactly do you mean by that, steven?” you challenge, taking another sip of your soda.
it’s the fourth of july and susannah invited you over for her annual celebration. susannah always hosted fun parties, so you were more than happy to accept because it meant eating some good food, listening to an upbeat playlist, watching some fireworks, and just relaxing. essentially, susannah always delivered the best of summer, rolled into a carefully planned event.
the sun was shining, and everyone was having a good time, including you — at least, until you saw conrad and nicole in the pool, engaging in some serious PDA. you immediately got out of the pool and went to sulk near the drink table, where you were happily alone until steven came over to join you.
“i’m just saying, man. you and con are definitely going out of your way to prove that you’re mad at each other,” steven explains. “but we all know how much you care about each other.”
steven is right about the first part: you and conrad had done your best to avoid each other since the incident at nicole’s party and its fallout. if you and jeremiah had planned to go surfing and he invited conrad, you would always back out at the last minute. if you were over at the fishers helping belly pick out an outfit for a date with cam, conrad would conveniently stay in his room. not to mention, any time the two of you did cross paths — which was rare, but jeremiah and belly were persistent in requesting that all five of you spend time together, like the old days, they would say — it resulted in meaningless, petty arguments. the two of you had always been competitive and very comfortable teasing each other, but the difference was that now, your interactions were no longer good-natured.
you thought steven, belly, and jeremiah hadn’t noticed, but you should have given them more credit. to anyone who knew you, it was pretty obvious that something was up between you and conrad, even if they didn’t know what exactly it was.
“there’s a thin line between love and hate. and right now you guys are that line.”
“thank you for your insight,” you say sarcastically. “be sure to include that in your college essay — i’m sure princeton would love to have you.”
steven rolls his eyes at you, just as nicole arrives at the drink table.
“hey guys,” she greets. she reaches over to grab two cans of peach iced tea before you stop her.
“conrad’s allergic to peaches,” you say. “so you might wanna get him something else.”
nicole looks at you for a second before nodding and reaching for a can of sprite instead.
“thanks,” she says as she walks away.
once she’s gone, steven gives you a pointed look.
“what?” you scoff.
steven just shakes his head. “love and hate,” he muses, leaving you to join his parents and shayla near the pool.
you then decide to go inside briefly, where you find belly and jeremiah, pouring vodka into a blender.
“we’re making pomegranate margaritas!” belly exclaims, practically giddy.
“well, you gotta use the good blender for that.” conrad seems to appear out of nowhere from behind you, instantly reaching for the aforementioned good blender and placing it on the counter.
you were already in a sour mood from seeing him with nicole earlier, but belly looks at you with hopeful eyes, and you remember what steven said earlier, so you mentally promise that you would play nice with conrad. you owe belly and the others that much after being absent for so long: a carefree summer, just like the ones you used to know.
you imagine that jeremiah sent conrad a similar pleading look because, miraculously, you and conrad don’t argue with each other as you help mix pomegranate margaritas for everyone. you actually engage in playful banter and laugh at the other’s jokes. you even feel sorry for him when his father, who wasn’t supposed to be here, walks in. you can feel the good mood slipping, so you suggest heading to the beach for a change of scenery.
belly had invited cam and a few more girls who are doing the debutante thing with her, and with steven bringing shayla and conrad bringing nicole (which, you are totally fine with, of course, especially after a pomegranate margarita), you had a pretty solid party forming on the beach, away from the adults.
of all people, belly suggests some drinking games. it’s all a blur of sand, laughter, and vodka spiked fruit juice. once you were all the perfect amount of tired and tipsy, the group settles down, and gigi suggests a different game.
“we should play truth or dare.”
“oh my gosh we should!” belly smiles, tapping your leg enthusiastically. “remember? we used to play it all the time!”
you smile back. “of course i do.”
when you were kids, you, belly, steven, jeremiah, and conrad would play truth or dare any chance you got. it was never very serious, mostly goofy pranks and harmless questions. you had all grown up since then, and somewhere along the way, truth or dare had become less innocent than it used to be.
“y/n,” one of the debs — dara, if you remembered correctly — turns to you. it was the first time your name had been called, and in all honesty, you were perfectly happy just sitting back in the sun and sipping the rest of your drink. “truth or dare?”
you choose truth, mostly to avoid having to get up from your very comfortable seat on the sand.
“are you a virgin?”
your mouth suddenly feels dry. you’re not ashamed of your answer, but it doesn’t help that you can see conrad glaring at you from the corner of your eye. you take another sip of your drink before answering.
“um, not really.”
“it’s yes or no question,” nicole says.
“then my answer’s no,” you declare.
“what?” belly screeches. she sits up straighter to turn towards you, and in the process spills some pomegranate margarita on her dress. “i can’t believe you had sex and didn’t tell me? when? with who? what was it like?” her cheeks are slightly flushed. a sober belly would have likely asked you in private, or at the very least, not in front of people you barely knew. in that moment, you almost regret the pomegranate margaritas.
almost. because maybe it’s the silence and everyone’s expectant stares, or the adrenaline you feel from winning most of the drinking games, or the effects of the drinks themselves, but you convince yourself that it’s as good a time as any to tell the story. a sober you would have known to tread more carefully given the context; that would have been about three pomegranate margaritas ago, though.
“it’s kind of a cliche story, honestly,” you start. “it happened last summer. it was raining that night, so we were hanging out in the back of my teammate’s van, just talking, and one thing led to another….we didn’t plan to do anything, but we got caught in the heat of the moment.” you choose your words carefully, deliberately avoiding eye contact with conrad.
“how was it though?” belly asks, leaning in closer.
you shrug. “a little awkward, i guess? neither of us had sex before then, and we were both figuring stuff out. like, he couldn’t open the condom wrapper because he was so flustered, so i had to help him. it was nice, though,” you admit. “when the rain cleared, we went out to stargaze and fell asleep on the beach.”
belly sighs. “so romantic.”
“you’re right about it being cliche,” steven laughs. he has an arm thrown around shayla, and uses the other to gesture towards conrad. “conrad, man, that sounds almost exactly like your first time.”
you feel your entire body heat up, and it's not because of the sun shining down on you. conrad’s gaze finally meets yours — for a split second only, but it’s enough for steven to notice.
“holy shit! it all makes sense now!” steven exclaims, suddenly standing up.
jeremiah frowns, looking between you, conrad, and steven. “what makes sense?”
“i’ve been trying to figure out why y/n and conrad have been so weird around each other this summer, but it’s obvious now: they lost their virginities to each other. they had sex!”
nicole stiffens and narrows her eyes at conrad. “you told me you never hooked up with y/n.”
“well, that’s definitely not true.”
“belly,” you warn, looking over to conrad once more. his cheeks are turning red, and you imagine a storm brewing beneath his dark blue eyes.
“i don’t know about last summer,” belly continues, completely oblivious to the tension building. “but i do know that they kissed at your party.”
“i knew it,” nicole scoffs, pushing away from conrad. “i knew it.” with one last poisonous glare towards conrad, she storms off.
conrad sends you an equally poisonous look before chasing after her. the party dissolves shortly after.
feeling defeated, you lie back in the sand, close your eyes, and let the sun shine down on you once more, taking deep breaths to slow down your heart rate.
call it karma or a cruel twist of fate or just a really shitty coincidence, but you’re finally the one left alone on the beach.
then — summer, age 17
conrad was more than a little surprised to see your name appear on his phone. it wasn't like you were completely off the grid — you texted, though infrequently, and followed each other on socials. he scrolled through his instagram feed and saw the occasional picture of you wearing a costume at a halloween party or sipping hot chocolate on a snowy day. photos that never quite fit the image he had of you in his mind: in cutoff denim shorts and a swimsuit and layers of sunscreen, with sand in your hair and popsicle stains on your lips.
“hey,” he answered after only three rings.
"hey fisher, any friday night plans?"
he told you he was working on his college essay.
“homework on a friday night in the middle of summer,” you tsked. “i never realized how much of a nerd you are.”
conrad laughed. “i mean, that’s on you for just realizing that.”
“fair enough,” you hummed, and conrad could practically hear your smile through the phone. “if you’re in the mood for something more fun, look out your window.”
conrad wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but you standing in the driveway of his summer house was pretty low on the list. you waved at him frantically, telling him to hurry up and open his window.
he was still in awe as you climbed through. conrad tried to memorize the image of you then and there, standing in front of him in his bedroom: wearing dolphin shorts and a light jacket, with chipped turquoise nail polish and a bright smile.
"you drove all the way here?"
"well, they haven't cracked the science behind teleportation yet," you say playfully. "so i didn't have many options."
"i can't believe you're here," conrad smiled, and that’s when you finally hugged him. he held on tightly, afraid you would leave at any moment if he let go. you smelled the same, like chlorine and vanilla sugar.
once you broke away from the hug, you pointed towards something behind him, pinned to his bulletin board. conrad followed your gaze and felt his cheeks heat up.
“i missed you, too, connie,” you teased, eyes lingering on the newspaper clipping of your swim team making it to nationals thanks to your record time.
“mom showed it to me,” he explained, the smile on your face making his heart beat out of his chest. “she’s so proud of her little mermaid.”
your smile fell, just a bit, but enough for conrad to notice a shift in your mood. you always did a good job at hiding the weight of the world on your shoulders, at least around the others. not so much around him.
you sighed and sat down on his bed. “you know, after that swim meet, my dad lectured me about not being fast enough,” you explained. “winning by only a millisecond apparently wasn’t enough to impress college scouts, at least according to him.”
“your dad’s a jerk,” conrad said instantly. he sat down next to you. “and an idiot, if he can’t see how amazing you are.”
“thanks, connie,” you whispered. it looked like you were going to say more; instead, you picked up his laptop. “wow, you weren’t kidding when you said you were working on your college essay. you really are a nerd.”
“shut up,” conrad laughed, nudging you with his shoulder and trying to grab the laptop from you.
you nudged him back. “it’s a compliment! schools go crazy for trust fund nerds.”
“yeah, yeah.” conrad waved you off. “so, you’re in cousins for the summer?”
all you did was smile softly and close the laptop, finally handing it back to him.
conrad’s heart burst with joy. because not only were you there — finally there, after all that time away — but you were staying. his mom would always muse about summers in cousins being magical, but conrad didn’t quite believe her until you were gone and he felt that magic fade away.
“do you wanna go downstairs? belly’s watching it happened one night with my mom and laurel.”
“as much as i love susannah’s favourite movie,” you started, and conrad’s heart soared again at you remembering his mom’s favourite movie. “i thought maybe it could just be the two of us tonight? maybe we could go for a drive.”
that’s how the two of you ended up at mermaid grove — a secluded stretch of beach about an hour away from your houses. it was near the mall your mothers sometimes went to, and during one of those excursions when you were young, all the kids wandered off and found it. the only time you’d been there was during the day and with jeremiah, belly, steven, and your siblings, so it felt different then, at night with just the two of you.
it started raining on the drive over — which only took 45 minutes without traffic — so you were hanging out in the back of your van. the van actually belonged to one of your teammate’s cousin who was somewhat of a hippie, you said, which explained the smell of weed and bohemian decor — battery powered rainbow fairy lights, colourful pillows, an elaborately patterned tapestry. the space was definitely intimate, or maybe it felt that way because you and conrad were sitting as close as possible to each other, shoulders touching and one of your legs tangled with his. he was scrolling through the pictures on your phone of your last swim meet in california, where you'd gotten the chance to visit stanford, while you were peeling an orange.
"you would love it there, connie,” you gushed. you dug your fingers into the orange peel, and the smell of citrus started to fill the air. “the beaches are beautiful and the waves are amazing. it’s like, always summer.”
conrad sometimes felt like summer was the only season of the year that he was truly awake, truly living. everything else felt like a dream, one that he would always describe to you in mundane detail; conrad even kept a small journal throughout the year, writing things down that he needed to tell you once you reunited every june. but one journal had turned to two, almost three, and conrad was trying really hard to not resent you for that.
“anyways, i think i’m going to apply in the fall.”
conrad stopped scrolling through your phone, pausing at a picture you had taken of a lemon tree. “doesn’t your dad have princeton lined up?”
“you make it sound like he bought my way in, when it was actually hours and hours and hours of training to get that scholarship. on the national best swim team.” you mimicked your father’s patronising tone for that last part; conrad hadn’t seen him in years, and he could still recognize it.
“you’re right, though. my dad would flip his shit. even if i got in with a scholarship, it’s so far away and i have the twins to look after, but a girl can dream, right?”
“i feel that,” conrad assured. you gave him a sad smile, knowing that his dad was as intense about football as yours was about swimming. the worst part was that you both loved your respective sports, until they became a burden. you both had other burdens to deal with, too, when it came to your families.
“in an ideal world, the two of us wouldn’t have to worry about anything else. we’d live in a place by the beach, surf every day, and hang out in the sun while sipping ice-cold, fresh lemonade.” just like we used to, conrad added in his head.
“in an ideal world,” you agreed. “we’d also adopt four dogs, each named after one of the beatles. you can teach them how to play the guitar.”
conrad laughed. “if i couldn’t teach you, there is no way i can teach one dog, let alone four.”
“well, they wouldn’t get distracted by your dreamy blue eyes like i did.” you winked at conrad, and handed him the freshly peeled orange before he even had time to blush.
“take it,” he protested. “you drove all this way — you should eat something.”
you shook your head and placed the orange in his hand before you pulled out another fruit from your bag. “i picked some of these up on the way here — best peaches on the east coast.” you took a big bite. “remember the summer we found out that you had a mild peach allergy?” you asked, juice dripping down your chin. you wiped it with the sleeve of the varsity jacket you wore.
conrad laughed at the memory. belly and steven had brought back candy from their trip to toronto. conrad practically inhaled an entire bag of fuzzy peaches, and didn’t realize that they weren’t supposed to make your mouth itchy — the “fuzzy” part wasn’t literal. that felt like so long ago, but there you and conrad were, settling back into each other like no time had passed.
as the night grew darker, you and conrad shifted closer to each other. conrad ate orange slice after orange slice as you devoured your peach, all while looking through the photos on your phone. you’d occasionally interject with a short story or comment, and there were still raindrops falling on the roof, but for the most part, there was nothing but a comfortable silence between you.
you moved to wrap the orange peel and peach pit in a napkin, just as conrad swiped onto a photo of someone kissing your cheek.
“who’s that?”
you leaned over to check. “oh. that’s sam.”
“are you dating?” conrad asked, trying to seem casual about it. just a friend asking another friend about their romantic situation. as a friend.
“we were,” you explained, sitting back next to him. “they broke up with me a few months ago.”
conrad sighed in relief, which he hoped you didn’t notice. “sorry.”
you shrugged. “it’s fine. apparently i’m emotionally distant.”
that wasn’t much of a surprise to conrad. sam might have been an idiot for breaking up with you, but they were spot on with the emotionally distant part. out of all the time you’d known each other, conrad had only seen you cry once, maybe twice. you were usually the one wiping away tears and putting on a brave face, inadvertently, or maybe purposefully, hiding your own vulnerability.
still, that wasn’t something conrad was about to stir up.
“what? you?” he joked instead.
“shut up,” you said, rolling your eyes, but the wry smile on your face gave you away. “how about you? broke any hearts this past year?”
conrad thought for a moment. there was aubrey, who his football teammate said had a major crush on him. they had been texting for a while now, and were on the edge of maybe becoming something. but then, there you were, stirring up feelings conrad had long buried — or, at least, tried to. if part of his head was always in summer, then part of his heart always belonged to you.
“no.”
“got your heart broken?”
he thought back to a few weeks ago, when he ran into your mom at the grocery store, and she said you wouldn’t be coming to cousins again that summer. you hadn’t spoken at all to each other for a month or two before that.
“no,” he lied.
you hummed, and took your phone away from him.
“wanna hear something trippy?” you asked suddenly. you always had a knack for changing the course of a conversation to where you wanted it to go.
“what?”
“well, since it takes a while for light from space to reach us, when we stargaze, we’re actually looking back in time. like, the star that’s closest to earth — other than the sun — is four light years away. or is it five?” you paused. “anyways, if the sky was clear and we could see that star, it would mean we’d actually be looking at that star from summer, five years ago.”
“very trippy,” conrad agreed. “it’s like a cosmic time machine.”
you hummed. “do you ever wonder what our past selves back then, at like 12 or 13, would think of us now? i think about those summers and how magical they felt.��
magical. you turned to smile at him softly, and conrad couldn't help but agree.
“i always thought you’d be my first kiss,” you whispered.
that threw conrad off guard, and it took him a few seconds to regain balance. the van suddenly felt too small and the lingering scent of fruit shared between you two, mixed with the familiar smell of chlorine and vanilla from how close you were sitting to him, became overwhelming. his heart was beating out of his chest — not because he didn’t feel the same way, but because he did.
conrad knew what his 13 year old self would think of him now: he’d be up in arms over his awkward pause, screaming to finally tell you how he felt then, and how those feelings hadn’t really left. how you made him feel safe, excited, confused and angry. how there was a space in his heart just for you, and it was painfully empty when you left, but now that you’re there again —
“sorry,” you said, cutting through the silence. you subtly shifted away from conrad. “i didn’t mean to make things weird.”
“you didn’t,” conrad answered instantly. he registered how you were now slightly hunched over and brought your knees to your chest, how you bit your lip and avoided eye contact — a few hints that you felt uncomfortable, deflated even at his lack of response.
so, he moved closer to you and gently placed a hand on your knee.
“you didn’t make things weird,” conrad assured once more. you were brave, he decided: for a lot of things you did, but right then for being so honest, so vulnerable. it inspired him to do the same. “i mean, this might make things weird, but i always thought you’d be my first…you know. at least, ever since i knew what sex even was.”
you finally turned towards him, your lips slightly parted.
“yeah,” you breathed. “me too.”
conrad’s eyes flicked to your lips, then back to your eyes.
“do you still want to —”
“yes. i - i mean, no pressure, but if you still want to —”
“i do.”
you smiled then and conrad felt himself do the same.
when you kissed for the first time, it was like rainclouds parted and the stars came out, shining bright in infinite darkness. the two of you became tangled up in each other: you sat in his lap, legs on either side of his waist, your chests pressed together and your fingers tangled in his hair, which drove him crazy. conrad let his hands explore your body, gently grazing the skin under your shirt. his lips tingled from the remnants of peach juice on yours, but he kept kissing you.
it was awkward and exhilarating at the same time. you asked each other if what you were doing felt good and right and were slightly embarrassed if the answer was no, but still adjusted if needed. at one point, conrad was fumbling with the condom wrapper and you had to open it with your teeth; he jokingly pointed out how you used to do the same with packs of sour patch kids and you giggled before kissing him again.
the two of you lay down on the floor once you were done. your head rested on conrad’s chest and he had his arm around you, idly tracing shapes on your skin with his fingertips. he craned his neck down to look at you.
even in the dim lighting and after years apart, you looked the same. even if you’d never been that close before, at least not in the same way you had just been, you felt familiar.
you tilted you head towards him and smiled.
“what?”
there was something about the way you looked at him that still made him blush, and conrad hoped that with the lack of bright light, you wouldn’t notice.
“sounds like the rain stopped,” he said. “wanna go stargazing?”
it was slightly chilly, so you let conrad borrow your varsity jacket, even if it didn’t fit perfectly. the sky was clear and full of stars. you spent the rest of the night there together, on the beach.
in the morning, conrad woke up before you. he watched as you took slow, deep breaths with your eyes still closed. you looked so peaceful — until the sound of your alarm prompted you to wake up.
“shit,” you exhaled, your eyes wide once you noticed the sun had risen. “what time is it?”
you searched frantically for your phone, only to find it right next to you.
“shit,” you repeated once you checked the time. you stood up right away, sand kicking from underneath your feet. “this is bad.”
“what —”
conrad didn’t have time to even ask you what was wrong because you bolted to the van. he followed you.
“what’s wrong?”
you looked at conrad, brows furrowed. “i have to go. i don’t want to leave you, but i have to go.”
“it’s okay,” conrad reassured. he stepped closer to you and placed a hand on your cheek. “i’ll be here when you get back.”
“i’m…” you step away from him. “i’m not coming back.”
“what do you mean?” he tried to steady his voice, but a dangerous mix of hurt and anger threatened to wash over him. conrad’s heart dropped, knowing all too well what was likely coming next, but he hoped, wished, that it wouldn’t be like before.
“i’ve got a swim meet in boston,” you exhaled. “but i can drive you home on my way there.”
“you’ll come back to cousins after,” conrad declared, as if saying it out could change what would happen next. “you said you’d be here for the summer.”
you shrugged, stumbling over your words. “technically, i didn’t say that. you just assumed and — ”
“and you wanted me to believe it, right?”
you closed your eyes and took a deep breath. “just — let me drive you home, connie.”
the use of his childhood nickname — the one he secretly despised, except when it came from you — was what made him snap.
“i should have known,” he snarled. “god, i should have known. you don’t care about me, about us. swimming over everything, right?”
“that’s not true.” your eyes opened, but you still wouldn’t meet his gaze. “i do care, but you know the pressure i’m under —”
“fine. you want to talk about pressure?” conrad laughed, bitterly, all his frustration bleeding out and pooling at your feet. “my mom had cancer, and you couldn’t even be there for me. texts and phone calls only do so much when you’re watching the woman who raised you wither away to nothing.”
your eyes softened slightly, finally looking at him. you took a step forward, but conrad took another two back.
“conrad —”
“no. don’t,” he snapped, making you stop. “why did you even come here?”
“i was close by and…” you paused. “i guess i just needed to come back, even just for a bit.”
"figures," conrad scoffed. “you only care when it’s convenient.”
“that’s not true,” you repeated.
conrad waited a second for you say something more, but you didn’t.
“well, i’m really glad you got what you needed,” he mocked. “tell me, does nostalgia and sex help you swim faster? impress college scouts? make daddy proud of you?”
you stiffened slightly. “don’t be an asshole.”
“no, no. congratulations!” he clapped to emphasize his point. “i’m so glad i could help you! guess you just needed a quick fuck before your big competition for some good luck. hope it works out in your favour.”
there was so much venom laced in his words, and he could tell you noticed. you looked at him like he was a stranger.
“fuck you,” you finally said. your voice was shaking slightly and it looked like tears were forming in your eyes. “you can walk home, for all i care.”
without another word, you got into the car and drove away. conrad watched your car become smaller in the distance as he stood alone at the beach, wearing your jacket and replaying every word he said.
now
it’s hours after susannah’s fourth of july celebration. the adrenaline and alcohol from early wore off, and you’re sitting on your front porch, sipping tea from your favourite mug. you were hoping to relax, but the sight of conrad fisher storming up to you threatens that.
“where do you get off, saying what you did earlier?”
even under the low light of the porch, you can see that his face is red with anger. he came here to argue, but you’re too tired to really care.
“well, shit, conrad,” you sigh. “don’t blame me. blame — blame truth or dare and pomegranate margaritas and steven for being so goddamn perceptive.”
“you lied,” he accuses, crossing his arms. “you said you didn’t tell belly about us kissing at nicole’s party.”
“at least i didn’t lie to my girlfriend,” you point out, your voice dull from exhaustion. conrad is momentarily at a loss for words, furrowing his brow even further, so you decide to steer the conversation in another direction — away. “look, i just had to pick up my drunk mother from the bar, so i’m really not in the mood for this conversation.”
you move to leave, but conrad grabs your left wrist before you reach the door. the sudden action startles you, and you release the mug you were holding in your right hand. it falls to the ground, the break clean, and the rest of your tea spills onto the porch. you exhale sharply, turning back to face conrad.
“i don’t care,” he snaps. “you fucked up earlier today. you never should have mentioned that night. talking about it like it actually meant something to you.”
“you know what, conrad? maybe it’s hard for you to believe, but that night actually meant something to me.” you laugh bitterly, feeling more awake than before. “and, yeah, now i’ve spent so much time regretting it. because maybe i hoped that we’d start dating, but even if that didn’t happen, i never expected to lose my best friend.”
conrad rolls his eyes. “i don’t know how you can stand there and call me your best friend. best friends don’t leave each other —”
“fine, i did leave,” you interrupt. your voice is slightly raised, and you can’t help but feel a new rush of adrenaline flowing through your veins. the fact that conrad is standing in front of you, suggesting that you were the one to blame for the hostility between you — that made you frustrated, angry, even.
“i had other shit going on,” you continue. “and maybe i didn’t handle the situation well at first — that’s on me, sure. but i wasn’t the one who ignored texts and sent calls straight to voicemails. i’m not the one who’s spending the summer avoiding everyone who knows them because they’re too scared of others finding out the truth. i don’t know who you are this summer, but i know the real you, conrad.”
“no, you don’t.”
by now, you’ve walked closer, standing only a few inches in front of him. if you reached out, you’d be able to brush the bangs away from his forehead, but you don’t.
“i do know you,” you assert. “in fact, i hate how much i know you. i know that “yesterday” by the beatles is your favourite song, and the first one you learned on the guitar. i know that you’re crazy good at chess, but let jeremiah win sometimes when your dad is watching. i know that you love playing football, but hate that you’re expected to play it. i know that i hurt you last year, so you had to ignore me because that was easier than admitting how you really feel because — because you’re scared.”
“you’re wrong.” conrad stares at you, his gaze heavy on yours.
you shake your head. “i know that you didn’t tell anyone about what happened between us because it meant something to you. and that really scares you, too.”
“you’re…you’re wrong.” conrad’s voice wavers a bit, his eyes soften ever so slightly, and you know you’ve struck a chord.
“i’m not,” you say. “and, honestly? i’m so fucking tired of waiting for you to realize that. i don’t care anymore. whatever was between us during all those summers, it's obviously not here anymore."
“you’re wrong,” he’s like a broken record, stuck on the same lyric.
"stop blaming me for fucking this up," you continue. "it's your mess, too, conrad. and i’m so fucking tired."
it’s late, and it’s dark, and you can’t bring yourself to stay here anymore. without saying anything else, you step over the broken porcelain of your favourite mug and into your house, leaving conrad alone on your poorly lit porch.
when the sun rises and you go outside in the morning, the pieces are gone.
#the summer i turned pretty fic#tsitp season 2#tsitp fanfic#tsitp#tsitp conrad#conrad fisher#conrad fisher x y/n#conrad fisher x reader#conrad fisher fanfic#conrad fisher imagine#conrad fisher x you#conrad fisher x fem!reader#conrad fisher fluff#conrad fisher angst#the summer i turned pretty#saf writes
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alright fuck it. i can't sleep and i need to talk about this scene from the last episode of critical role.
because holy shit if this ain't some of the best rp – nay, storytelling in general – that i've ever seen. (buckle up, it ain't gonna be short.)
laudna: i made you a doll. because dolls are for children. and you're a child.
the way she says this is not nice! it's biting, it's snarky. she definitely seems to mean it as an insult – and she probably does! – at first. but laudna's idea of a child is much more expansive than just a cheep insult, as she makes clear shortly.
then ashton's response: i've never had a doll before. this is the nicest thing anyone's ever given me.
i don't know if this reaction melts laudna a little (if it does, she doesn't show it visibly), or maybe she was already coming to the conversation with a more nuanced definition of 'child', but either way, the conversation shifts immediately – and the next two sentences clarify where they're both coming from here.
laudna: i like children. // ashton: i don't.
she likes children! and we knew this, of course. marisha, the god of intentional rp showed us this within the first few moments of laudna's screen-time way back in episode 1. but still! it's worth repeating. despite the bite of her initial comment to ashton, she doesn't necessarily mean it as an insult. i don't know that we could entirely call it a compliment, given the context, but at the very least, i think she intended it as a point of connection.
after all, our data re: Laudna And Kids is not limited to that one scene from episode 1. there's also the parallel scene that mirrors it (with a happier ending) back in episode 38, when laudna first visits the sun tree after her resurrection. we also know (via a 4sd episode that i don't care to dig up right now) that laudna had another friend before imogen, who was a little girl.
and i think it's that little girl that's the most important piece here. we don't know anything about that story except that she exists, but i'm willing to read between the lines and make an assumption that laudna – on average – has better luck getting children to be kind to her (when they've not yet been taught to be cruel) than with adults. there is an innocence there that laudna needs! she needs people who haven't been hardened by assumptions and pre-judgements and all that bullshit. for laudna there is safety – both emotional and literal physical safety – in a childlike perspective.
ALL THAT TO SAY: laudna's associations with childhood are, generally, positive. for a variety of reasons.
but!
ashton's are NOT.
ashton's childhood sucked. from the jump. he was a part of a shitty cult that he barely remembers, and after that they were in an ophanage. their associations with childhood are overwhelmingly negative, and likely associated with feelings of helplessness and loneliness.
whether or not laudna intended that original comment ('you're a child') as an insult, we can pretty safely assume ashton took it as one.
they continue:
ashton: they're awful. // laudna: they're not.
NOW, we're getting into the meat of it. where before they were dancing around a metaphor, it becomes immediately clear what's really being talked about here. ashton is saying 'i'm awful', and laudna is emphatically saying 'no you're not.'
which! first of all, is so insanely generous of her. after what ashton just put her through less than 24 hours ago, laudna has every reason to affirm ashton's assertion that they are, in fact, awful. but she doesn't. ashton knows this, which is why he amends his original statement:
ashton: they can be.
they're saying: perhaps i can concede that i am not always awful, but let's at least agree that sometimes (like specificaly, oh, i don't know, LAST NIGHT) i can be.
laudna: you should remember what it's like to be one.
ashton: i do. it wasn't great.
the LAYERS, y'all. the LAYERS. the important thing here is that it's all in the context of that first comment: you're a child. which is, critically, a statement made in the context of ashton's decisions the previous night. they're talking in generalities here, but they're mostly talking about last night.
so!
when laudna says they should remember what it's like to be one [a child], she also means: you were a child last night, but not in a cool, whimsical way, just in a shitty, immature way. AND! when ashton says they remember, and that it wasn't great, they're saying they know they fucked up last night, but all they know of childhood is an overwhelming helplessness, how can that possibly be spun to a positive?
and this, really, is the crux of their two differing worldviews. these two have a lot in common – much has been said about that in game and out – but this point is where they split. laudna has survived, by embracing her childlike nature (admittedly, to a fault, at times). how to keep from being hurt? just keep everything fun and whimsical! nothing to worry about here, it's all just a silly little game! and she has also needed people who share that perspective. people who are willing to take her at face value and without any of the negative assumptions and prejudices they may have picked up along the way.
ashton, on the other hand survived by growing up immediately. they got through their own shitty childhood by becoming an adult (or acting like one anyway) as quickly as possible and STAYING that way. ashton needs to have a tough exterior (there's the made-of-stone thing again) to feel safe. (admittedly, from an audience perspective, this veneer is basically see-through. but ashton doesn't necessarily know this. they're trying their best. so from their perspective, the tough guy thing is Working.)
laudna: you should find more joy in your inner child.
she's saying two things here:
(1) you can be soft and be safe. those can co-exist, aND!
(2) i need you to be soft for me to be safe. when you have this false tough exterior, it hurts people. it hurts (hurt) me.
which is certainly a resonant metaphor to play with for the literal ROCK GUY who just got literally MELTED into LAVA 12 hours prior.
ANYWAY- that's what i've got for now on this scene. i'll probably never stop thinking about it, and there's even more good shit from later on in the scene when they talk about the doll, but that's it for now.
#critical role#laudna#ashton greymoore#my thoughts#cr3#bells hells#this SCENE you guys#i can't stop thinking about it.#it's just THAT good
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i do not want to dig a hole but i am too much of a laura bailey pc enjoyer to not make this post so:
selfishness ≠ a lack of kindness
selfishness is a theme that has come up with all of laura's main campaign pcs. that doesn't mean that her characters are always making selfish choices or that they don't care about the rest of the people they're with or that they're not good. it's just that, for the most part, the first thing they're thinking of when they take action or make choices is themselves.
in jester and vex both it is more typical and obvious selfishness. vex's developed because she needed it to keep herself and vax alive and as safe as possible and it grew into a behaviour that she had to actively work to avoid. it's evident in her greed, her theft of the broom, her reaction to her own death which relied heavily on i'm okay/i survived to which keyleth reminded her that she wasn't the only one who had to witness and reckon with her death. in jester's case, she grew up in an environment that literally trained her to make every decision based on two things - her mother's opinion and her own. so, when she's out in the world without marion for the first time, her choices are those that will benefit her and her actions are those that consider her own thoughts and not really many others' (aside from the traveler's).
it isn't a criticism of either vex or jester to say that they are characters who act selfishly. in fact, i'd argue that to claim otherwise does a great disservice to exactly how immense both of their character arcs are. because the nuance of both jester and vex is that they are selfish, and they also hold extreme room for self-sacrifice and empathy. vex is much more brash than jester is, and jester is much more trusting than vex, but both of them are characters who begin with selfish impulses who grow with them. neither ever truly shed those impulses, but they use them in new ways, typically transforming them into impulses towards things that are in the best interest of the party.
you may have noticed the lack of imogen in this post about laura bailey pcs and that's because of two reasons. one, we are an unknown amount of time into her story, i can't analyse her development the same way i can vex and jester's. two, imogen's selfishness isn't the blatant quasi-self-aware selfishness that we see in things like jester complaining about her lack of money to caleb or vex stealing a broom. instead, imogen's is very internal, like a lot of laura's character work with imogen. it is a bit similar to jester’s in the sense that it comes from a lack of awareness moreso than vex’s practiced behaviour, but imogen’s is a lot more tied to inherent beliefs she has about the world and the people in it.
as a consequence of her powers, imogen sees people's thoughts as their entirety, she holds it above their actions to be the truth of who they are - to act against what they think or to say something that doesn’t cohere with what they’ve thought is akin to lying, so for her to act empathetically is to act in tandem with what someone else’s thoughts are, not how they act, which is typically not all that wanted. the same as vex’s greed and jester’s naivety, this is a trait that makes narrative sense and it’s one i find quite compelling, especially when read in the vein of someone struggling through trauma that has made them assume that the world is against them. imogen’s cynicism is coherent cynicism, i can’t say that in a similar situation i wouldn’t have the same predisposition towards the world.
the part that is particularly self-interested comes in if you look at how imogen has actually been treated in the campaign (quite well) in comparison to the cynicism that she’s developed from her past (something that speaks to a world out to get her). certainly, a bunch of shitty things have happened to imogen in the time we’ve known her, but the same can be said for everyone in bell’s hells and pretty much everyone in exandria at this point in time. but, in a fight to save the aforementioned world, imogen’s focus was getting her mother back on her side. which, while very consistent with her character and a choice that i enjoy, is a very selfish one. the fun thing (to me, obviously) about imogen is that she has, more than most, an insight into the opinions of others and she also tends to seek others’ opinions out and genuinely engages with them and supports their choices. but she still very much acts towards what she thinks is best. it’s one reason i enjoy looking at the dynamic between her and orym as one between foils, as orym tends to be stalwart in his beliefs and doesn’t care too much for other’s opinions if he’s already sure of his own, but his actions tend to favour collaboration and protecting others.
as i mentioned earlier, imogen is a harder case to look at because she is still in the process of her story. however, the circlet is clearly influencing how she interacts with the world and in the wake of the solstice, the hostile reaction towards ruidusborn people has started to become more and more apparent and i’m interested to see what route that ends up leading imogen down and how it will influence her relationship with the rest of bell’s hells. (for better, i think, based on recent conversations, but if it's for worse i will be just as seated and excited).
all of this is just to say, please stop assuming that claiming a character has a trait you think is a bad one is criticism or a hate post. in light of the fact that i know that people who don’t believe this will continue to not believe this, i’ll encourage anyone confused about the ability of a character to be good and kind and selfish all at once to look to what the text itself says, specifically scanlan’s words to pelor when asked what vex means to him:
“Her name is Vex, and she is greedy and mean sometimes, and she can steal a lot. She’s a little bit not the greatest person, but her flaws highlight everything that is right about her, which is she does all these things to protect her friends and her family. She would give her life for any of us and for anyone who was truly in need. And she’s not perfect but she’s the most perfect of all of us.”
would you look at that... an ability to be a multitude of things, some in conflict with one another. i know that's hard for fandoms to believe, especially about female characters with agency, but i promise its true!
#deeply unfair of laura to make three characters with some type of people skills and morality shaped by their loneliness#and what. i’m just supposed act like i’m normal about that?#this is me blog and i have slightly more time than usual to write nothing essays about fictional characters that haunt me#but dear god . lookin at cr characters and denying their flaws is like looking at a house and only seeing it’s doors .#if ppl demand perfection of fictional characters im genuinely curious in what media they’ve ever found that .#a single imogen post of mine broke containment and it skyrocketed my annoying phil student levels so. alas#but . if you agree that imogen had an incredibly isolating life . i will emphasize that isolation causes traits and behaviours#that aren’t just Quirky or fun or hot anger or whatever#imogen contains so much i love her so much i am bursting at the seams about it#but for some ppl. she is ur ‘girlfailure’ until someone suggests a way she might be girl failing by being selfinterested#what is the truth. do u want her to be an actual girlfailure it do u just want her to suit a . frankly tired. trope about lesbians#anyway . both text and tag rant over . goodnight#cr meta#imogen temult#vex’ahlia#vex’ahlia de rolo#jester lavorre#critical role#my posts
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The thing is, the Bell's Hells are the mindfuck party. They're the read-your-thoughts, grift/goad/gaslight party. They're going to pick your pocket, they're going to terrify you down to your bones, they're going to force you into therapy and make you question your sanity and steal your secrets and your stuff and they'll smile doing it.
So much of the way they've demonstrated respect for one another, in fact, has come down to not doing that. Not prying. Not lying. They play "What the fuck is up with that?", and it's about asking instead of taking. Some of them were evasive. By and large, they were allowed to be.
Fearne picks the party's pockets and Ashton picks hers back -- it's not permission, exactly, but it becomes a game, something very nearly consensual. This party asks each other for consent so much. "Do you want to tell us what's wrong?" "Do you want me to help?" "I can try to look inside your mind, for your sake -- do you want me to?"
It means that by and large they have been more open to each other when questions get asked, because they all know they can say 'no comment'. (Chetney's still an evasive motherfucker, but what can you do.) It means that we get things like the Imogen-Laudna fight, with mutual friends who want to help and will offer advice but also won't ask too many questions about the details because my business only extends to what you want to give me, and we were all a little worried about that but it also worked. Laudna and Imogen worked it out themselves. They asked for forgiveness and it was granted.
They don't take no for an answer from Fearne's parents. They don't take a casual brush-off for an answer from the Nightmare King. They don't back off on other people, they only back off for each other, because they respect each other and obeying boundaries is how they show it.
Which has a lot of impact, I think, on the way the FCG fight ended on Thursday night, because the conclusion the group came to is, "if any one of us flies off the handle, the rest of us will stop you." Imogen says to FCG that she will look into his mind without asking if she has to. As a party, as a team, they agree to keep an eye on each other. To keep watch and be ready if anybody else explodes. To interfere.
And I think part of why that conversation is so powerful is because it is, in its own way, still more of that asking for consent. We are telling each other right now that this is how it's going to go: these are my boundaries, these are my limits. I will not fuck with your shit unless your shit is going off the rails, and if it is, I am telling you now that I will stop it. I'm telling you now, so you can register a record of your own boundaries. This is our new explicit mutual agreement. We will step into each other's business as a group in these situations, and we know this beforehand. If you can't consent to that, then I like you and I'll miss you and I wish you well, but I can't agree to adventuring with you any more.
I really love how distance has been an expression of closeness for this group, the paradox and the respect of it. After all, you don't need to be careful with a stranger you don't care about, the same way you do with your friends. I'm eager to see if and how the group dynamics develop after Thursday, though, to see how careful changes. To maybe see the Hells reach the point where they can be a little more careless with each other again and still feel safe and okay. To see them choose to still take care in handling one another anyway, because they love each other enough to give it.
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I love the idea of jealous Imogen a lot, especially since she has been shown to be petty and abrasive in many ways. But when it comes to my personal read on Imogen and her relationship with Laudna, I can never fully get behind the end result that people seem to be hoping for when they talk about jealous Imogen, which is that Imogen gets so fed-up and possessive over Laudna that she breaks and ends up confessing/turning on the offending party member*.
The way I read Imogen, she turns her anger/emotion inward as much as outward. She's so consciously aware of both her inclination for violence and her influence over Laudna; actually breaking over jealousy would a) probably take longer than people think and b) cause a massive amount of self-loathing if it happened.
Even with the Dusk situation, I think a big part of her implosion over it is because of her rift with Laudna at the time, not just pure jealousy. And even with all of her suspicions, Imogen is very careful to be calming and supportive when Laudna talks about getting asked out. She asks, "Do you want to say yes?" She reaffirms to Laudna that "Dusk seems sweet." This indicates to me that, while Imogen may be snippy and have moments of obvious and hilarious frustration, when it comes down to it, Imogen will try her damndest to make sure that Laudna's choice isn't affected by her jealousy. She'll be warm and supportive and encouraging, and any other feelings will be repressed even further.
So as much as I like petty, angry Imogen, I don't think another jealousy arc would really move anything forward in her and Laudna's relationship. It might make it worse, which is its own kind of fun. But really, I think it would probably result in Imogen forcing distance again, letting Laudna have the space to explore herself while she struggles to get a grip on her emotions...
...which would serve my own "If Imogen and Laudna do move toward a romantic relationship, I'd like to see both of them date someone else first" agenda really well. So actually, yeah - go for it.
(*I know things like "Imogen v. Prism PVP out of jealousy" or "Imogen fries all the people hitting on Laudna with her brain" are just shitposts and I get it; but I do overthink things and am unreasonably interested in the implications for how the larger fandom is reading Imogen. Personally, I feel like this sort of "Imogen will get sooo jealous of anyone Laudna gets close to" read is part of a larger interpretation of Imogen as, like, one step away from unhinged, completely unable to function without Laudna, a weird cross between infantilizing Imogen and exaggerating her most flawed characteristics. And--again, personal read--I think that's a shame. It feels like we can acknowledge Laudna exploring other relationships--Yu, Ira, Ashton, Prism, Delilah--but Imogen's stuck twiddling her thumbs, waiting for Laudna to self-actualize.)
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listen listen listen i have so many thoughts
1) the way violet didn’t tell xaden about her discoveries because she wanted a little bit more time of peace is very important to me !! she had to be the know to decide when to tell him so she could have a semblance of control
2) tairn and andarna are my BABIES !! they understand violet so well. the way tairn is not afraid to face her (ofc not he’s a dragon but still) and answers her questions warms my heart. andarna is trying her best okay !! even as a teen!!
3) the way she realized right away that xaden had a second signet just goes to show that she listens very carefully to everything xaden tells her about himself. we’d seen this a bit last chapter when they went to the bakery but here is so much more preeminent !! she cares and she finally admitted it to herself this chapter. it’s just a shame that she also figured out this big plot and everything’s a mess
4) violet’s second signet yep !! yep !!
5) now miss violet what we’re not going to do is downplay our cleverness !! it’s not your fault that you didn’t expect your government lying to you especially with such a big threat.
6) andarna defending xaden… never thought we’d be here but here we are… here we are. and listen she is right xaden cares for violet and those quiet moments are very important to him, but let’s give violet some credit bc mr xaden is not the best when showcasing his feelings 😭😭 (not that violet is any better)
7)
All the quiet, intimate moments between them—she had to wonder now if they had been authentic; had to wonder if he’d done it just so she would trust him.
me to myself when i read this line bc i knew angst was coming
8) violet’s squad is sooo ride or die for her !! the way they knew right away something was happening and that it had to be related to something she figured out !! i love them your honor those are truly her besties. also whoever mistreated violet as a child will be answering to me bc the way she started her speech with “i’m not crazy” broke my heart
9) violet’s anger !!! yes yes indeed i love her
10) brennan pls leave you are pissing me off !!! lying to her face when she knows the truth is truly something else.
11) loving scared garrick also the way him and imogen took violet killing xaden threat seriously !! yep they know she’s capable
12) “don’t stop your conversation on my account” ALL OF THEM WERE GAGGED
13) when i have my thoughts more cohesive on the second part of the chapter i’ll let u know but for now let me tell you xaden was terrified of violet when she dropped the second signet bomb !!!
truly never seen him without words.
so he’s not sleeping in her bed !! i was right !! and i’ve seen some comments and ofc xaden’s not sorry (i wouldn’t be either of violet was the reward) he’s just sorry that she’s hurt but he would do everything again.
the sparring scene was very necessary thank u oh and xaden ?? u are a pathetic loser but i still love u 🫶🏼 you cannot declare yourself to a girl like that and then leave ?!? what is wrong with you?! but also oh he’s gonna fight so hard for her !! can’t wait
Omg thank you for all of these detailed thoughts, I love it so much!!!! 🫶🏻🫶🏻
Basically: yes Violet is beautiful and dangerous and smart and scary and perfect and a literal angel and Xaden is just Ken. But he will win the girl in the end!!
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"𝐒𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐘𝐨𝐮'𝐥𝐥 𝐆𝐞𝐭 𝐁𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫" 𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 ~ 𝐒. 𝐑𝐞𝐢𝐝
Summary: When Spencer Reid, a young FBI agent, meets Imogen Sterren, a patient with bipolar disorder, at the Bennington Sanitarium, he realizes that love can be found anywhere—even in a mental health facility.
Series Word Count: TBD
Series Warnings: fade to black smut (MINORS, PLEASE BE CAREFUL AND USE YOUR NOGGIN!!) some chapters takes place in hospital, mentions of hospitals, mentions of various medications, in-depth details of panic attacks, swearing (both mild and explicit), food consumption, possibly more?
⚠️ PLEASE CHECK INDIVIDUAL CHAPTER WARNINGS BEFORE READING ⚠️
Genre: some Fluff, some Angst, some Newfound Friends to Lovers
Series Based On the Song: Soon You'll Get Better by Taylor Swift
Part One: "In Doctors' Office Lighting" ~ 2.5K words
Summary: After ten months of being away on cases, Spencer Reid is finally able to visit his mother. Upon arriving at the sanitarium, he meets the person who's been keeping her company while he's been away.
Content Warning: takes place in a hospital, mentions of food
POSTED ON: November 6th, 2022
Part Two: "Holy Orange Bottles" ~ 2.1K words
Summary: Later that night, Spencer finds that not everything is as it seems. The next morning, he's determined to figure out why those holy orange bottles don't seem to be doing their job.
Content Warning: takes place in a hospital, mentions of various medications, mentions of depression and anxiety, mentions of food, very mild swearing
POSTED ON: November 13th, 2022
Part Three: "Back To Normal" ~ 3.4K words
Summary: When Spencer gets a call from his boss saying that he needs to come home early, Spencer and Imogen alike learn just how much they hate it when things go back to normal.
Content Warning: takes place in a hospital, explicit details of a panic attack, mentions of medications, one (1) explicit swear word, food consumption
POSTED ON: November 20th, 2022
Part Four: "The Best of a Bad Deal" ~ 2.4K words
Summary: It's been a month since Spencer and Imogen's first phone call, and the two are beginning to settle into their new nightly routine. However, after a confession and some advice from Penelope, Spencer realizes just how much he wants to make the best of a bad deal.
Content Warning: mentions of hospitals, mentions of medications, food consumption
POSTED ON: November 27th, 2022
Part Five: "What Am I Supposed To Do?" ~ 1.3K words
Summary: When Imogen catches Spencer between a rock and a hard place, he wonders exactly what it is he's supposed to do.
Content Warning: mentions of a mental facility
POSTED ON: December 4th, 2022
Part Six: "Paint The Kitchen Neon" ~ 3K words
Summary: In preparation of Imogen's Christmas visit, Spencer decides to employ the help of Penelope in an endeavor to paint his apartment. Little did he know he'd also be employing her for some much needed advice.
Content Warning: one (1) explicit swear word, light mentions of food, light mentions of the sanitarium, a light mention of medications
POSTED ON: December 11th, 2022
Part Seven: "The First Time" ~ 3.6K words
Summary: When Imogen visits Spencer for Christmas, he underestimates just how special the first time for everything really is.
Content Warning: R16+ for a makeout scene and sexual content, mild swearing, mentions of the sanitarium, mentions of food consumption, food consumption
POSTED ON: December 25th, 2022
Part Eight: "Scared" ~ 4.7K words
Summary: When Imogen visits Spencer for Christmas, he realizes just how much there is to learn about her... and just how much he never expected to learn about her.
Content Warning: MINORS DNI (18+ content - oral f!receiving, descriptions of the female anatomy, technically orgasm denial, multiple mentions of sex, nudity), explicit language, somewhat details of a suicide attempt, discussions about medications, discussions of Imogen's bipolar symptoms, mentions of Bennington, mentions of food and food consumption
POSTED ON: December 25th, 2022
Part Nine: "The Nicer Nurses" ~ 2.3K words
Summary: Summary: When New Year's arrives, and things begin to go back to normal, both Spencer and Imogen learn valuable lessons: (1) that Spencer is a runner, and (2) how important it is to know the nicer nurses.
Content Warning: R16+ for slight sexual content (sex + making out are both mentioned but neither are described in detail), physical violence? (Imogen kicks a nurse), takes place at the sanitarium, mentions of medications, mentions of a needle, small mention of food consumption, lmk if i missed anything!
POSTED ON: January 1st, 2023
Part Ten: "You Have To" ~ 1.2K words
Summary: Two weeks had passed since the incident at Bennington's, and Spencer and Imogen hadn't spoken since then. However, on day fourteen, an important piece of mail arrives explaining to Spencer why that is.
Content Warning: very mild swearing, a couple mentions of the sanitarium, a mild mention of manic and depressive episodes, overall just very angsty
POSTED ON: January 8th, 2022
Part Eleven: "Desperate People Find Faith" ~ 1.5K words
Summary: Summary: After everything that's happened, Spencer somehow finds himself at St. Dominic's, the local Catholic church, praying for Imogen.
Content Warning: religious matters, Hotch might be a Christian idk, mentions of panic attacks, mentions of manic episodes, small mentions of cases/killers, tiny mention of food, mentions of divorce
POSTED ON: January 15th, 2023
Epilogue #1: "Years Of Hoping" ~ 1.7K words
Summary: After years of hoping, Spencer might finally receive his chance to reunite with Imogen.
Content Warning: DARK THEMES (this fic discusses Spencer having been m0lested as a child, PLEASE continue at your own risk), explicit language, mentions of medications, mentions of mental health facilities, mentions of food, minor character death but not really, tiny mention of alcohol, let me know if i missed anything!
POSTED ON: May 14th, 2023
Epilogue #2: "I Have To" ~ 2.3K words
Summary: Spencer shows up at Imogen's door, one thing on his mind: how he has to love her. No matter her response.
Content Warning: explicit language, small mention of church (is that a warning? idk but) small mentions of Spencer's drug addiction, tiny mention of puke, this whole chapter is mostly Spencer having a panic attack, mentions of bipolar episodes
POSTED ON: May 14th, 2023
Finale: "Not A Day That I Won't Try" ~ 2.7K words
Summary: One last little story about Spencer, Imogen, and the new life they've created.
Content Warning: takes place in a hospital, mentions of Imogen's previous episodes, mentions of Spencer's abuse during childhood, mentions of Spencer's drug addiction
POSTED ON: May 14th, 2023
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#imagine#imagines#spencer reid#spencer reid x oc#spencer reid imagine#spencer reid imagines#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid series#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid angst#criminal minds#criminal minds x oc#criminal minds imagine#criminal minds imagines#criminal minds fanfic#criminal minds fanfiction#criminal minds series#criminal minds fluff#criminal minds angst#spencer reid fic#criminal minds fic#fanfic#fanfiction#fluff#angst#friends to lovers#inspired by a song#soon you'll get better series#ofwilliamandwalter
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Sarah MacLean, Knockout 6 out of 5 💥
Firstly, I should mention how wonderful this cover is. It is just marvellous … I wasn’t even able to do a proper fancasting. Just the woman on the cover is such a great illustration of Imogen that non of my own options beat it. So I decided to just skip fancasting someone famous as I usually do. Or maybe it was that I just waited for this book so much that I could only imagen the “cover girl” as Imogen. What of Tommy? In my head, he was a fairly beardier and bigger version of Andrew Garfield. No offence, Andrew, you are amazing!
Secondly. To the characters. I was so in love with both of the main characters from previous books, and was able to fall in love even more. They both are extremely beautiful souls. And a reformed policemen (against which occupation I have very strong feelings (coming from a shitty corrupt country with the worst forces possible). To say that Imogen is chaotic in the best possible way wouldn’t be enough because she is also so many more things like brilliant, caring, witty, loyal, curious, and overall self sufficient. She didn’t need someone to make her compute, she just was. This is what I like about this stories so much. These matched are partners most of all.
Tommy and Imogen connection, attraction and relationship development is also outstanding. From the beginning of book, we kind of knew about their traits. But their backstories were also a good touch in understanding who their are and how they came to be like that. The wit! The verbal sparing between Im and Tommy made me genuinely smile/laugh read.
And of course the story itself deserves an honourable mention. Sarah MacLean is the queen of building intriguing story. It is always just another separate main character in her books. I would be bald and compare my 2 favourite authors here. I absolutely love how Lisa Kleypas pays attention to politics, social dilemmas of that time and builds worlds in a highly educationed fashion. But what Sarah Maclean does … she builds stories very effortlessly, where she includes important topics and gives voices to women in a very natural way. There may be less direct narration on human, women, workers rights, but they are part of her stories and it becomes obvious what opinions she has and applies to her characters.
Okay, to the Duchess. I soooo want to say “I knew it”. But not to spoil anything I won’t tell what I knew. I’m so hooked and ready for her story. Just another long year/two years of waiting if we are lucky. But good things take time, so I am not mad, but very grateful to my favourite authors for keeping the genre alive, vivid, loud and beautiful 🤍🤍🤍
#TommyGoBoom
#historical romance#love story#period romance#bridgerton#fancast#victorian#moodboard#romance#booklover#regency#sarah maclean#knockout
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Hi there! Thanks for writing so much great commentary on CR; I always look forwards to reading your takes and seeing your arguments. If you're ok with doing so, would you mind going into what overbalanced encounters you think weren't signalled well in the game and why? Just curious, no pressure though!
Hey anon! Thank you, and absolutely.
Honestly, there are only two that really stand out. Everything else is either too speculative on my part, or ended up okay in the end.
They are the fight in 2x26 where Molly dies, and the fight against Otohan in 3x33, and while they do both have character death, that's really a symptom, not the problem; assume character death or even a TPK is fine by me.
The things these fights share:
really low-level or drained party with no healing/very little healing left
Intended BBEG about whom the party knows very little
Enemy who will deliberately take death saves
Most of the signals are either subtle or directed towards a specific party member and are in the thick of combat when people aren't focusing on interpretation, especially when it's not a death spiral
Not a super clear "out" for the party nor the BBEG.
Like, it's very normal to set up an unwinnable or at least incredibly difficult encounter with an intended BBEG that does go well and is read accurately by the party but still isn't really a win. Some good examples are the initial Chroma Conclave attacks (fend off the dragons long enough, but the "19 MISSES?" line is truly all you need, they pick up on the need to run right away), the initial Briarwoods fight, the initial Vecna fight (which is, canonically, lethal), and the Tombtakers fight on the same day the Nein had fought Gelidon.
In all those cases, the situation is really clearly outlined, the party is either powerful enough to have tons of tricks up their sleeve or the enemy genuinely doesn't care enough to go for the kill shot, and there's no special tricks or traps.
The issue with the Iron Shepherds fight is that the signals that the Nein didn't have complete information were fairly subtle and relied on remembering pretty fine details from Keg's intel; by the time they realized how truly inaccurate it was, it was too late.
The issue with the Otohan fight is that honestly, it's...still not entirely clear how Otohan goading Imogen ties into the mechanics of the fight (larger plot, sure, kinda, although I still think Otohan is perhaps one of the least successful villains CR has ever had in terms of "do I give a shit"; it's just that Ludinus and Liliana are fantastic villains so it's fine; but it really wasn't clear what she wanted Imogen to do or why that mattered), and the switch in strategy mid-way through to taking death saves also threw people off, and all the party really knew going in was "head of organization we're infiltrating, kind of a badass, has a weird backpack". They really had no reason to understand how powerful she was; all the dream lore relating to Ruidusborn showed up later.
With both of these, also, the party were following like...pretty heavily dropped hints and signaled signposts and a general ambience of "here be The Plot/MacGuffin" and then it was a huge trap.
With something like, say, the Chroma Conclave, the party knew absolutely nothing - they just showed up to a political speech and dragons attacked. That matters! They knew in and out of game that it was a complete surprise and could act accordingly. Which I think brings me to the point: there is a metagaming element here, not in the sense of specific knowledge your character wouldn't know, but in terms of vibes your character could not technically pick up on. A non-combat example is Allura showing up in C2. Allura showing up says "this is the right path" to the players, even if the Mighty Nein do not know Allura. Beau and Caleb being kind of wary about what's going on? That's a huge sign that this is really fucking dangerous, and so Bells Hells was able to make smart choices and infiltrate slowly, which also gave them less high-pressure moments in which to, for example, notice how deeply entrenched Liliana was, or how brutal and unforgiving the Call and Vanguard are (all those bodies).
I think on the most basic level? If the party only realizes through extended combat how fucked they are, you have failed - and that's fine, DM's are human and fallible, but it should really be like, a 19 MISSES! moment if you need the reveal to be during combat, not something that happens a full initiative round in or requires any deeper analysis.
Also: a lot of these bets are off once parties hit like...L11 or so because at that point you should have enough resources to deal. Like, if you want to spring a nasty trap on a L17 party, do it. They should be able to deal.
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Hi! Could you recommend some sapphic romance novels (preferably not fantasy or science fiction, because I'm not really into these genres)? I saw you mention that you read a lot of them!
Hope you have a great day/night 💜
Hi @impossibleknots! Thank you for the ask. Happy to do some sapphic book recs, and if you stay tuned for a post in response to my next ask there will be additional book recs as well.
So this is a list made to my personal taste—it may not be to anyone else’s taste. I’m aroace-spectrum with some slight sapphic tendencies, and a lot more aro than ace, so my taste for adult romance books tends to be on the explicit side rather than the sweet and chaste side. Like, I don’t wanna read books that are afraid of the part where the sapphic characters are attracted to one another and wanna act on it, you know? And sometimes I come across books that seem to be very afraid of bodies.
For YA, obviously my tastes are a bit different, and I prefer things not be explicit. (While also not like, hiding that teenagers have sexualities.) I’m including some YA sapphic recs because I’m fairly well-read in YA stuff and it never hurts to have more books.
Historical Recs
Pretty much any sapphic novel by Olivia Waite. You cannot go wrong with Olivia Waite! She usually writes in early to mid 19th century England. Her books hit a good blend of cozy and spicy, and the heroines are always doing something like, running a con to bring down exploitative industrialists or similar.
I just finished An Island Princess Starts a Scandal by Adriana Herrera and while it’s certainly got its over-the-top at moments (the butch duchess and the femme heiress do absolutely hook up in the butch duchess’s private box at the opera) it’s over-the-top in ways that I personally found fun. It’s set in 1880s Paris and both of the heroines are Latin American, and it’s interesting seeing the way the book shows the ex-pat communities and the artsy sapphic communities in Paris at the time.
Contemporary Recs
Cleat Cute by Meryl Wilsner is about soccer lesbians and as someone who imprinted on Bend it Like Beckham I recommend it very much. It had a surprise neurodivergence storyline I wasn’t expecting that took delight in all the same.
Honey Girl by Morgan Rogers is EXCELLENT. It’s more on the line between sapphic romance and coming-of-age novel, so some of it feels more character arc focused than romance focused, but it’s a great “young adult figuring things out” story.
Delilah Green Doesn’t Care by Ashley Herring Blake and For Her Consideration by Amy Spalding are not my top top tier recs but they do have charming ensembles of characters surrounding the story.
Young Adult
Last Night at the Telegraph Club by Malinda Lo: I mentioned this on my longer recs list, but it’s getting a mention a second time because I cannot fathom why more people I know haven’t read it. Forbidden love in 1950s San Fransisco! Self-discovery! Family history! Chinese-American history! The Cold War! And I feel like it hits so many of the same emotional beats and complex approaches to characters that Young Royals does, so I’m determined that every Young Royals fan should at least try it.
The Love Curse of Melody McIntire by Robin Talley: Robin Talley’s written some not so good books over the years but I think she’s finally finding her niche with this one and with Pulp and Music from Another World. This book is set over the rehearsal of a high school theatre group putting on Les Miserables, and it’s told from the point of view of the stage manager who is NOT supposed to fall in love with one of the female leads but she does. Part of the book is told through stage manager emails and it’s truly hilarious if you’ve ever been involved with theatre in any capacity.
Imogen, Obviously by Becky Albertalli: Becky Albertalli gets a bad rep for being like, the vanilla-vanilla cupcake with no sprinkles of LGBTQIA+ writing? Which is just not fair and it’s such a mischaracterization of her as a human being and a writer, and a lot of it also comes down to how her books have been adapted and marketed. I could go on about that but ANYWAY I like this book and how it grapples seriously with things like bi erasure (Becky’s drawing from her own life here) while also having silly college kids engaging in Antics and jokes about a giant sculpture of scissors.
…and that’s my rec list for now! I hope this list helps and that you are having a great day!
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we were wild and fluorescent (come home to my heart)
pairing: conrad fisher x fem!reader
summary: you come back to cousins beach after a few years away. conrad is not particularly happy that you're back - and you aren't particularly thrilled, either. too bad there's a history (chemistry?) neither of you can deny.
warnings: nostalgia + fluff + a bit of a *steamy* ending ; mentions of sex; swearing; conrad and reader drink alcohol; reader is a competitive swimmer + deals with a lot of pressure; complicated family dynamics (reader has two younger siblings + is eldest daughter); pop culture references (it book/movie, percy jackson series), this chapter is very long + ending is a little cheesy !!
tags: @stargirlsirius-recs, @ifilwtmfc, @qwertyb2577, @allnrsnz, @baconeggndcheez, @peanutbelley, @imogen-skye, @geekinthefuschiahair, @tvije, @drikawinchester, @maybankslover, @junnniiieee07, @elcpsstuff, @fangirl-kimora, @redbierd, @starkeylover, @serrendiipty, @jackierose902109, @lonelywitchv2, @c4rpediem-s, @teensyflowur, @peteronesgf, @percysaidnever
a/n: i literally cannot express how much it means to me that people are reading + enjoying my work!! thank you endlessly for following this story. this chapter is mostly fluff with a lot of banter between the reader and conrad + nostalgia. i'm thinking this will be the last part (....unless?) so i hope you enjoy it :)
part one | part two | part three
on a summer afternoon / i get to thinkin' 'bout the hazy days / under august shade that i used to spend with you (khai dreams, “sunkissed”)
now — summer age 18
you’re already frustrated when you walk over to the beck house, and when the person you least want to answer the door opens it, your mood goes from bad to worse.
"hey. is jere home?" you ask, peering behind conrad to see if someone else, anyone else is there. this is the first time since your argument that you and he were alone together, and you really don't want to look him in the eye. he doesn't look too thrilled to see you standing on his porch, either. he looks at you with tired eyes, wearing a black, short-sleeved rashguard and hair dripping wet.
"no, sorry."
"how about steven?"
conrad shakes his head and droplets of water go flying. he says something about prep for the debutante ball.
you exhale sharply, upset that your backup plan just fell through. "okay, bye."
you start walking away, but conrad calls your name.
"everything okay?"
you're surprised by his follow-up question — suspicious, even. given the harsh words you'd exchanged the last time you were together, you assumed that conrad didn't very much care to prolong a conversation with you, much less whether or not you were okay. whatever his intentions are, you don't really have time to go down this road.
"everything's fine," you answer loudly, still forging ahead.
"come on, y/n. i know you."
your hands clench into fists at his words and you finally stop in your tracks.
"conrad," you huff, turning around to face him. "i really don't have time for this."
"look, i'm not…." conrad sighs, running a hand through his wet hair. "i'm not trying to start anything. you seem a little stressed, and if there's anything i can do….just, let me be there for you."
conrad used to always be there for you in situations like these, and you ignored the sharp pain in your heart earlier when you decided he couldn't be this time. you really, really, really want to stay mad at him — you certainly have enough reasons to be for several lifetimes — but the gentleness of conrad's tone calms you down as much as it throws you off. instinctively, you feel your hands unclench, your heartbeat slow down.
“so, what’s wrong?”
you sigh. your siblings had planned an overnight trip with their friends at a campground about 3 hours away. they were meant to leave this afternoon, but the chaperones just cancelled — one had car trouble and the other a work emergency. now, they didn’t have a ride or adult supervision, which left you to come up with an alternative, lest you want to spend the rest of your summer drying your siblings’ tears and dealing with a lengthy guilt trip from your mother (who, conveniently, has plans this weekend and can’t reschedule). you left that last part out of your story to conrad, explaining only the basic components of your dilemma.
“but, it’s fine. i’ll sort something out.” as you wait for conrad to respond, you’re already running through a few other alternatives in your mind. you’re just in the middle of estimating the amount of money you would spend on gas when conrad says:
"well, i can come with you."
you quirk your eyebrow at him. “yeah, you don’t need —”
“you’ll need two cars — and two drivers — to get them there, right? i'm not doing anything right now, or tomorrow.”
“it’s not your problem, conrad. i’ll figure something out —”
“look, you have three options," he interrupts, tilting his head at you. "one, you take two trips yourself to get them all there, which means you’d spend around 10 hours driving each way and waste a ton of money on gas.”
you stiffen.
you hate that he knows exactly how your brain works….
“two, the twins have to cancel their trip, and you spend the rest of the summer with your siblings upset at you and your mom suggesting that you’re a bad sister, which is not true.”
you hate that he understands exactly the situation you’re in….
“three, you let me help you.”
….and you hate that he always insists on being helpful.
that was the real reason that you didn’t want to ask conrad — because you suspected that he might offer to help regardless of the tension between you two. the conrad you remember was always concerned with doing the right thing, no matter what, and despite how different he’s acting this summer, you knew that caring boy was still there, deep down.
sometimes, you hate being right — it can get a bit tedious.
conrad waits for you to answer, but he obviously knows you well enough to guess your decision. you don’t find the prospect of camping with conrad particularly appealing, but you’re desperate.
you tell conrad to be ready to leave in an hour, before walking back to your place to tell your siblings the good news.
a little over an hour later, your siblings, their friends — devi, khadija, kai, and leo — and all the camping supplies are split in between your and conrad’s cars. you decided to divide the group into threes: you’d drive your sister, khadija and leo; and conrad would drive your brother, devi, and kai. once everyone’s buckled in, you and conrad close the trunk of your respective cars and turn to each other.
“so, we’ve got a spot booked at stardust falls, but the plan is to stop halfway —”
“at sophie’s for a bite to eat,” conrad finishes, a smile creeping on his face. “i know the drill.”
you bite back a smile yourself before nodding at him and getting in the driver's seat.
as your sister cues up a playlist — you had just made her watch lemonade mouth so she was currently obsessed with hayley kiyoko and her music — you get lost in memories of summers past.
it was a tradition, many years ago: your siblings were too young to join, so for one weekend in late august it was you, conrad, jeremiah, belly, and steven with susannah and laurel, the seven of you piled into a minivan for an overnight camping trip. you spent the drive blasting music and singing along, playing ‘i spy’ while gorging on goldfish crackers and sunny d. about halfway through, there would be a pit stop to refill the gas tank, stock up on snacks, and get something to eat from the nearby diner. you would always get waffles with extra whipped cream and conrad would get chocolate chip pancakes, and you’d always split the food between you. once you got to stardust falls, you’d spend the afternoon swimming and sunbathing, and the night roasting hot dogs and marshmallows, stargazing and whispering until sunrise.
as much as you loved laurel and susannah, you and conrad would dream of getting your driver’s licence and being able to continue the tradition with just the kids. you never got the chance; it was only five years ago, when you were the same age as your siblings now, that you had gone on your last camping trip to the same location.
it seems your dreams were finally coming true — just not in the way you expected.
when you get to sophie’s diner, you’re relieved to have a chance to stretch your legs. the eight of you get a familiar booth in the right corner and you find yourself squeezed between devi and the window. the waiter distributes menus to everyone, and it isn’t until you look down that you see it: your initials next to ‘CF’. last time you were here, the five of you all carved your initials onto the table when the moms weren’t looking. you forgot that you’d placed yours right next to conrad’s; to be fair, you were always sitting next to each other. now he’s at the other end of the table on the opposite side, examining the menu carefully even after being here so many times.
this time, you just get a coffee and steal some bacon from your brother; conrad doesn’t get anything, claiming he isn’t hungry, until your sister offers him the rest of her french toast, which he practically inhales. after, you and conrad fill up on gas while your siblings and their friends go into the store for some snacks.
“hey, can you get me some sour patch kids?” you ask your brother, handing him a $5 bill. your brother nods and starts walking away; you glance at conrad, then add: “and some m&m’s, too!” to which your brother offers a thumbs up.
“thanks,” conrad says. he removes the nozzle and sticks it into the gas tank; you do the same, and for a few moments, there’s nothing but silence between you.
“does listening to the lightning thief musical on repeat make your brother a theatre kid?”
you turn to face conrad, who’s already looking at you with a lopsided smile.
“i think it makes him more of a percy jackson kid,” you decide.
“well, he has good taste. i didn’t even know there was a percy jackson musical,” conrad adds.
“i know, right?” you gush. “my brother and kai went to see it off broadway, and of course i had to chaperone, but i’m so glad i did because how, in the name of all the gods, did we not know this existed?”
conrad laughs. “we would have been obsessed,” he agrees.
you smile, feeling yourself hit by another wave of nostalgia.
when you were younger, you, conrad, jeremiah, steven, and belly loved the percy jackson series, rotating the books between the five of you until everyone had read them, the covers well-worn and sand stuck between the pages. so, for belly’s 9th birthday, laurel wrote out a prophecy with an elaborate quest for the five of you to go on - something about searching for poseidon's missing trident - while susannah used the time to fashion the backyard into your very own camp half-blood. you each got ‘assigned’ a godly parent: apollo for jeremiah, ever the sunshine boy; hermes for steven, the trickster of the group; aphrodite for belly, who looked at the world with rose coloured glasses; poseidon for you, because you loved the water; and athena for conrad, wise beyond his years.
yes, your heart did skip a beat, because of what a perfect coincidence — that conrad was essentially the annabeth to your percy. when would the two of you share the best underwater kiss of all time?
after a fun-filled afternoon, you each took home a necklace filled with clay beads, as was tradition at the fictional camp half-blood. even after summer ended, you would always wear yours in between swim competitions and practice. somewhere along the way, you misplaced it; it was probably left on the chlorine soaked floor of a locker room. you wondered if the others still had theirs, if conrad even remembered.
he’s looking at you now with such wistfulness, you have a feeling he does. when he looks at you like that, it’s easy to forget that you’re mad at him and he broke your heart. scratch that: you’re mad at him because he broke your heart.
and, not that it solves everything between you, but he’s here and didn’t have to be, and that maybe possibly heals something inside you.
before you can continue the conversation, a sudden click indicates that the gas tanks are full, just in time for your siblings and their friends to exit the convenience store, carrying a significant haul of snacks and drinks.
your brother hands you the sour patch kids and m&m’s, and you toss the bag of m&m’s at conrad, which he catches effortlessly. you rip open the package with your teeth and stuff a few of the sour candies in your mouth as everyone piles back into their respective cars.
you open the door to get in the driver’s seat, but the passenger side is empty. that’s when you notice that your sister and devi were still walking back from the store, taking their time. your sister laughs a little louder than usual, her smile a bit brighter when devi bends down to steal a sip of her drink. she’s wearing a jacket that you’ve never seen and probably belongs to devi, and your sister’s pair of sunglasses now rests on devi’s head. technically the sunglasses were yours, before you passed them down to your sister, but still — it’s adorable. devi winks at your sister before slipping into the backseat of conrad's car. your sister sighs contently before freezing at the realisation that you witnessed the moment between them.
"what?" she asks, a little flustered.
something makes you glance over your shoulder at conrad, who you now realise had seen the interaction between your sister and devi as well. beside him, the door to the driver’s side is also open, but he doesn’t get in. instead, conrad raises his eyebrows at you and smiles knowingly.
“nothing,” you say, smiling back at conrad, then at your sister. “but hurry up, if you want to make it to the falls before sundown.”
your sister mumbles something and gets in the car, while you check the route one more time. you tell conrad which one has the least amount of traffic, and soon enough, you’re on the road again.
conrad follows closely behind you, never allowing more than a car between before catching up. you glance in the rearview mirror and see your brother belting the words to what you assume is the percy jackson musical, and conrad is even bopping his head along. in your car, your sister is busy reading the song of achilles while the others in the back are relatively quiet.
“so what’s going on with you and discount james dean?” your sister suddenly asks. she puts her book down, reaches over into the cupholder to grab a few sour patch kids.
you laugh at the nickname, even if the answer disappoints you, just a bit.
“nothing.”
out of the corner of your eye, you can glimpse your sister roll her eyes.
“that seems to be your favourite word today,” she notes.
“fine, how about this for a change of pace….there was definitely something earlier between you and devi.”
your sister’s jaw drops and she turns around to see if her friends heard, but khadija is asleep and leo has his headphones on, looking down at his phone.
“y/n!”
“what!” you mock her incredulous tone. “you’re not fooling anyone.”
“i’m not…we’re not…” your sister stumbles over her words, turning her head sharply to face out the window. she plays with the sleeve of devi’s jacket, which she’s still wearing despite it almost being 85 degrees. the same music as before fills the space, and hayley kiyoko sings about girls liking girls as you wait for your sister to answer.
she finally sighs when the song ends. “i like her, okay? but we’re just friends.”
at her words, you’re overwhelmed by an eerie sense of deja vu. if you could have done things differently, maybe you would have. and maybe, just maybe, you can help your sister have a better outcome — whatever that means for her.
“look, kid, i know it feels like the end of the world, but you have options,” you promise. “one, you tell her and she doesn’t feel the same way; your relationship is forever ruined and your other friends have to choose sides —”
“y/n! seriously?”
“i’m just preparing you for the worst case scenario,” you defend, exiting the highway. “the best case scenario is that you tell her how you feel, or she feels the same way and beats you to it, and it all works out. and there is, of course, the secret third option.”
“what’s that?”
you shrug. “easy. you never cross that line.” you follow the signs that lead you to your destination.
“and bottle up my feelings forever,” your sister grumbles. “is that what you and conrad did?”
you make a right into the campground and put the car in park; conrad’s car pulls up next to you a few seconds later. you turn off the engine.
“not exactly.”
_________________________________________
you and conrad unpack the trunks as your siblings and their friends set up their tents. you hear their giddy banter as they plan how to spend the rest of the afternoon, as well as the sleeping arrangements. you smile to yourself when you hear devi suggest that she and your sister share a tent. the cars are pretty much empty except for some food to keep away animals, but you notice that not everything made the trip.
you double check your car, then conrad’s, before calling over your brother.
“yo, what happened to my bag?” you ask him.
“i thought it was your swim stuff, so i took it out of the trunk,” he explains. “did you need it?”
“oh no, no. it just had all my clothes, my sleeping bag and my tent,” you say sarcastically. “no big deal.”
your brother gives you a thumbs up, clearly not getting the message. he seems more interested in kai, who's currently unpacking his guitar.
“cool,” he says before walking back to his friends.
you huff and close your trunk. at least there is some balance in the universe: the mosquito repellant was in your bag, and your brother is usually their favourite meal. you always have afterbite, or you would have, if you had your stuff with you.
thankfully, you had your bathing suit underneath your clothes, and you could sleep in the backseat, even if it wasn’t the most comfortable…
“everything okay?” conrad sneaks up behind you.
“turns out none of my stuff is here.” you shrug. “but it’s fine.”
“i mean, we could share my stuff,” conrad offers, lifting up his bag. knowing him, he’s probably overprepared and carefully packed, even with only an hour’s notice.
you look at him for a second.
“let’s sort that out later, yeah?” you decide, ignoring how the prospect of wearing his clothes, sharing a tent with him, makes your heart beat faster. “i’m itching to go for a swim.”
taking advantage of the late afternoon sun, you all slather on sunscreen, throw on colourful swimsuits with sunglasses, and relax near the water. it’s only a short walk away from where you’d set up camp, and all your tents (well, except yours) are still in view. your brother, leo, and khadija are sitting down on their towels while playing cards. kai has borrowed your sister’s copy of the song of achilles to read. your sister and devi are, splashing each other in the water. conrad is reading a worn of stephen king’s it, a bottle of lemonade resting next to him.
khadija brought her wireless speaker, and out of all your siblings’ friends, you’re thankful that she has the best taste in music. “this is the day” by the the plays in the background of everyone’s laughter and playful banter. you swim idly in the water, let your skin absorb the sunlight, and take it all in.
as much as you were stressed this morning, you’re practically floating with joy now. you feel like a kid again — and it finally feels like summer.
your eyes land on conrad once more. he sits in the shade and you’re craving a sip of his drink, so you get out of the water and settle down next to him like it’s the most natural thing for you to do. you’re dripping on his towel, but he doesn’t seem to care; he hands you the bottle of lemonade without a word. you take a sip, surprised that it’s slightly bitter.
“does this have vodka in it?” you cough.
“yeah,” conrad answers, putting his book down. he takes off his sunglasses and rests them on his head. “i can get you something else, if you want.”
you shake your head and take another sip. “it’s fine. just don’t let the kids drink any alcohol, okay?”
“i won’t.” he offer you a wry smile. “but you know they’re not kids, right? they’re teenagers.”
“it feels weird calling them teenagers,” you say. he’s sitting up with his knees bent, and you lay down next to him, but not before stealing his sunglasses to shield your eyes. the sun moved slightly, and starts to peek through the leaves of the tree that was providing shade.
“just because we grew up, doesn’t mean they have to," you add once you're comfortable.
conrad hums. you tilt your head to look at him and notice his eyes lingering on the tattoo below the band of your lime green bikini top. you smile — he blushes, then looks away. conrad takes the lemonade bottle back from you and swallows a mouthful. you close your eyes, let the sun wash over you.
“my mom told me you got into stanford,” he says suddenly. “that’s really cool that you get to go to california. just like you wanted, right?”
“i thought you hated horror,” you say, referencing the book you saw him reading earlier. you desperately want to change the subject — your father is still pushing princeton because of their swim team rankings, and your mother is too busy spending her free time in bars to really care. needless to say, where you’re going to college isn’t a topic you want to discuss, unless you’re looking to ruin this perfect sunny afternoon.
conrad just looks at you for a second before playing along.
“i usually do, but this guy on my football team wouldn’t shut up about stephen king, so i thought i’d give it a try. you’ve read it?”
“no, but i saw the movies. i cried so much in it: chapter two, like i was practically choking on tears in the middle of this dark theatre. my ex had no idea why i was crying so much.”
“why did you cry so much?”
you open your eyes. it takes you a beat to respond, because you never really thought about it that deeply. by now, the song has changed to david bowie’s ‘heroes,’ and watching your siblings and their friends goof off in the middle of summer makes you feel like a background character in a coming of age movie, when five years ago you would have been one of the main characters. you miss those days, almost as much as you miss what you had with the boy next to you.
“because it reminded me of this,” you admit.
conrad lets out a small chuckle. “did i miss the summer where we fought a killer clown?”
“no, smart ass,” you shove his leg playfully. “but there were other things that were just as intimidating. like, parents who were jerks with soul-crushing expectations, and younger siblings who needed to be taken care of. drinking problems, cancer diagnoses, divorces. just…everything, you know? it was summer, we were kids, and things were just scary sometimes, but we always faced it together. and, then…”
“we grew up,” conrad finishes.
“yeah,” you muse. you lift the sunglasses off your face to look at conrad, and he’s already gazing down at you. if you closed your eyes again, you could imagine laurel and susannah sitting by the water and gossiping, steven and jeremiah diving underwater to try and catch a fish with their bare hands, and belly laying in the sun while reading a romance novel she's probably too young to read. but all you see now is conrad, smiling at you softly with the golden sunlight shining behind him, and it makes your heart ache.
belly mentioned that they hadn't been back here since you stopped coming to cousins. because it wasn't the same.
your voice drops to a whisper. “i'm sorry i ruined it."
"don't give yourself so much credit." his smile at you sadly. "we both made things messy; i should be sorry, too."
"are you?"
he hesitates, finishes off the bottle of lemonade.
"yeah," he finally says. "i'm sorry."
and it doesn’t feel like enough, but instead of worrying about what would happen tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after, you just focus on today. you relax back down on the towel next to conrad, and let the sunshine and sounds of summer fun wash over you.
the afternoon fades into the evening, and once everyone's dry, you get started on dinner, then dessert.
it's so familiar: the warm glow of the campfire, the smell of burnt marshmallows, the slight itch on your skin from where a mosquito must have bitten you, the pressure of conrad's knee pressed against yours.
you get up for more graham crackers, and your sister follows you.
"so, i hear you and conrad are sharing a tent," she teases. "you're welcome."
"why would i thank you?" you wonder, biting into a graham cracker.
a wicked smile appears on your sister's face. "well, i was the one who told our dear brother that you wouldn't need your bag. i figured your boyfriend would have everything you need."
"conrad's not my boyfriend," you remind her, a little annoyed. you and conrad made nice earlier, but the peace between you is precarious. you aren't particularly thrilled to be in a situation where you're confined to close quarters together — much less now that you know it's been fabricated by your own sister.
"so then why are you and conrad sleeping together in a one person tent?" she challenges, crossing her arms.
"do you want me to sleep outside and get eaten by werewolves?"
your sister rolls her eyes, but you notice how she shudders just a little bit.
"those don't exist," she declares, her voice a little shaky. your sister is old enough to know that monsters aren't real, but you still get a kick out of scaring her - especially when she's done something to frustrate you.
"oh, sure they do," you reply easily. conrad arrives at the table next to you just in time, probably to check on those graham crackers you'd promised to get. "stardust falls is crawling with werewolves, right con?"
"no," he answers. your sister sighs with relief too soon, because conrad continues. "only on the full moon…." he makes a big show of pulling down his sleeve and checking his watch. "which is tonight, if i remember correctly."
"but, don't worry," you wink at your sister. "devi will protect you."
there's a moment of silence between the three of you, before you and conrad burst out laughing.
"you guys are the worst!" your sister groans. you and conrad are still laughing as she grabs an unopened bag of marshmallows and snatches the pack of graham crackers from you before storming away.
"thanks,” you say once you’ve both calmed down.
he grins at you, reaching over to grab an orange. “my pleasure.”
you smile back at him before walking back to the campfire, already feeling warmth spread through your chest.
_________________________________________
when the night is at its darkest, everyone decides that it’s probably time for bed. you triple check to make sure the fire is out and all the food is away, and then everyone goes into their tent — with you as the exception.
you and conrad never circled back to whether or not you’d be staying in the tent with him, so you end up staying out by the water.
there’s still some rustling and whispers from the tents behind you, but mostly you’re left with the soft trill of crickets, and what sounds like an owl in the distance. you’re still wearing your bikini top and cutoff shorts, even though there’s a cool breeze near the water, because you didn’t really have another option. conrad was right earlier — it’s a full moon, and you’re thankful that it provides some light. the sky is clear enough that you can also see the stars. you’re so lost in looking for constellations that you’re startled by the sudden appearance of shadow right next to you.
“shit, conrad. you gave me a heart attack!” you exclaim, just loud enough for conrad to hear and quiet enough to not wake the others.
“sorry,” he whispers back, sitting down next to you with a lantern. “i couldn’t sleep.” conrad tilts his head up. “but, i come bearing gifts.”
conrad hands you one of the mugs he’s holding — not the usual thermos you’d bring for camping, but ones that you’d find in the kitchen back at the beach house.
in the dim light, you see that it’s your favorite mug, the same mug you’d dropped during your argument a few weeks ago. the cracked porcelain is so carefully repaired, you wouldn’t have known it was broken.
“thanks,” you whisper. you take a sip of the lukewarm hot chocolate, but the warmth that spreads through your body is from conrad’s gesture more than anything.
conrad nods and points up at the stars. “find anything good?”
you launch into a detailed explanation of what constellations you’ve found so far — and, when that’s over, you continue making up stories like you’re david attenborough narrating a nature documentary. sure, it’s ridiculous to use a very serious british accent to suggest that king kong and godzilla are immortalised in the night sky, but it makes conrad chuckle, and you decide that’s worth all the stars in the universe.
in between stories, conrad asks: "are you cold?"
conrad already knows the answer, because he passes you a light jacket without you saying a word. you shrug it on, and practically sink into the familiar fabric.
"so you're the one who had my varsity jacket," you realize. it smells like him now: lemon and sandalwood.
conrad smiles sheepishly and shrugs. "it's a good jacket — what was i supposed to do, not wear it? you left it last summer."
last summer.
the words hang heavy between you.
“y/n —”
“con —”
you both stop, waiting for the other to continue. there have been enough moments this summer where you’ve cut your heart open and conrad just watched you bleed. a part of you wanted him to do the same, even though you know how much it hurts.
“why did you come back that night?” he asks. conrad is usually confident, sturdy, reliable; right now, though, he’s the most timid you’ve ever seen him.
“i needed to.”
“why?” he presses.
you bite the inside of your cheek, remembering yourself a year ago and all the pressure you felt, from your parents and coaches. you used to love swimming, and you realized too late how much competing took over your life. things weren’t perfect at home, either, but you were trying your best to guard that truth from your siblings. ironically, that was part of the reason you had distanced yourself from conrad in the months prior: you knew he would worry, and you didn't want to burden him.
you tell bits and pieces of this to conrad, cutting yourself open once more.
“i felt like i was drowning,” you admit. “i tried so hard to hide it — just keep swimming, right? but it got to be too much. so last summer, when i had a meet nearby, i just had to see you, because i knew that you were the one person in the world who would jump in and save me.”
“i didn’t know.” is all conrad says for a moment. you don’t add anything, because you find yourself in the same position as always: vulnerable, pouring your heart out.
“what you said on the fourth — you were right,” conrad sighs. “when you came last summer, i was already mad at you for not coming back to cousins for so long, and then you were leaving again and i was hurt. and - it’s fucked up, but i wanted to hurt you, too.”
“mission accomplished,” you laugh sadly.
“i shouldn’t have said what i said that morning last summer, and i shouldn’t have ignored you after.”
“you shouldn’t have ignored me this summer, either” you add. you can’t help calling him out for his shitty behaviour lately as well.
“hey, you ignored me, too,” he points out. “and, yeah, maybe i deserved it. there’s just a lot going on and….” conrad trails off, his gaze fixed on something in the distance, where a sliver of golden sunlight peeks through the horizon. you and conrad must have been talking for hours because morning is now just around the corner. “i know i was a jerk. just please know how sorry i am — for everything.”
you’re about to say something, but you can’t seem to find the right words. i'm sorry too didn't feel like enough. instead, you reach out and grab conrad’s hand. it’s cold in yours, but you don’t care.
“i can’t lose you,” conrad whispers, almost choking on the words. he squeezes your hand. “i can’t lose you, too.”
“i’m here, connie,” you whisper back. with your other hand, you brush some hair out of his eyes before using your thumb to wipe a stray tear from his cheek. “and i’m really glad you’re here, too.”
throughout the entire conversation, you and conrad had moved closer together — now, your shoulders are touching and your left leg is bent over his right one.
“did you mean what you said on the fourth?” conrad asks, his eyes searching yours. “do you regret that night?”
“i’m guessing you mean the us-having-sex part?” you reply, a gentle smirk on your face.
conrad nods. he’s blinking faster than usual, and you can tell he’s anxious to hear your answer.
“if it ruined things between us, then i would,” you admit. you realize then that your hand is still on his cheek; you remove it, but keep the other intertwined with his. “tell me it didn’t ruin things between us, and maybe i’ll change my mind. i mean, do you regret it?”
conrad smiles at you, his shoulders relaxing. “no. that’s one thing i don’t think i’ll ever regret. that’s another thing you were right about — that night meant something to me. it meant everything.”
your heart skips a beat at the way he looks at you, tenderly, waiting for you to say something.
"yeah, me too. or, me neither. i mean, i’m sorry -” now, it’s your turn to stumble over your words, nerves getting the better of you - you take a deep breath to calm yourself. “i’m sorry for not being here; i’m sorry for hurting you; and i’m sorry for making you feel like i didn’t care, because that’s further from the truth.”
“i appreciate it,” conrad replies sincerely. “but i think we’ve apologized to each other enough for one night.”
you laugh. “yeah, i guess you’re right about that one. have any alternatives, fisher?”
conrad reaches up to caress your cheek, a gentle gesture that contrasts the mischievous smirk on his face. his eyes fall to your lips, then back to yours. “i can think of a few —”
you kiss him before he finishes his sentence.
maybe you'd never shared an underwater kiss, but kissing conrad feels as dynamic and unpredictable as the ocean.
when you kissed last summer, it was like a wave breaking onto the shore: the built up anticipation finally coming to fruition.
earlier this summer, at nicole’s party, kissing him felt dangerous, like swimming out into the turbulent water and realizing you’re in too deep.
right now, his lips on yours feel like floating in water on a warm summer day.
conrad slips his hand underneath your jacket, and you shiver when he touches your bare skin, right under the band of your bikini top where your tattoo is. you shift ever so slightly and suddenly you're tangled in his lap, feeling him strong and sturdy beneath you. one of your hands is on his thigh, while the other tangles into his hair. you tug the strands just the way you remember him liking it; he groans and kisses you with more intensity, a calm sea gradually becoming more rough.
once you’ve run out of air, you pull apart ever-so-slightly, appreciating his swollen lips, pink cheeks, and tousled hair in the early morning sunlight. you could do this for hours — drowning in him — and you're about to do it again, too, before you’re shocked back into reality.
“i knew it!” you hear your sister yell in the distance. she then adds something about your brother owing her ten dollars. you make a mental note to get them back later for betting on your love life.
conrad laughs against your lips, then pulls away. you get up and offer him your hand, which he accepts with a smile.
“you might wanna…” you gesture towards his messy hair, and he blushes even more despite how much he enjoyed it earlier.
“right.” he clears his throat, runs a hand through his hair to tame it.
“i’m gonna go get started on breakfast,” you say before walking a few steps closer to the campsite.
you turn back around to conrad, who was frozen in place, looking at you carefully. his posture is stiffer than before, and it takes you a second to realize why: he’d been here before. he’d watched you leave one too many times.
not this time, though. this time, you reach out your hand — a peace offering, a promise.
summer will end soon, and maybe you aren’t quite sure what the future holds once it does.
“so, are you coming with me or not?”
but you do know this: when you get back to the beach house, you’ll go surfing with the fisher boys, watch movies and eat sour candy with belly, play video games with steven and jere. you’ll sneak out to meet conrad, then watch the sunrise together. the five of you will have bonfires on the beach, maybe even inviting your siblings and their friends, and roast marshmallows. susannah will host another pool party and you’ll feel conrad’s arm wrapped around your waist; he’ll kiss your cheek, sitting on the edge of the pool, and you'll jump in the water, bringing him under with you, before kissing him back.
you'll spend one particular night in conrad's bedroom, hands and lips all over each other, trying to keep quiet, and when you search his drawers for a condom, you'll find the same necklace that you, jeremiah, steven, and belly were gifted. it holds faded clay beads painted with various symbols - a turquoise trident, a crashing wave, a rainbow, a starfish. you'll think back to how the tradition started at belly's percy jackson themed birthday, when you and conrad were 11, and susannah would give one to each of you at the end of each summer. there will be a sharp pain in your heart when you notice that some beads are missing, the years don't add up, but you'll realize, prompted by conrad's deep voice calling you back to bed, that you might be able to make up for lost time.
you'll soak up as much sunshine as you can. you’ll squeeze out every ounce of summer, and then some. you'll dust off old traditions, and make some new ones, too. you'll fill those necklaces with more clay beads.
and you'll always - always - come back home.
#i had to include percy jackson references im not sorry#please enjoy :))#the summer i turned pretty fic#conrad fisher x reader#tsitp conrad#conrad fisher fanfic#conrad fisher#conrad fisher imagine#conrad fisher x y/n#conrad fisher x you#conrad fisher x fem!reader#tsitp fanfic#tsitp#the summer i turned pretty#saf writes
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A Long Road Home - Author Notes
Page 14
I’m so glad these two touch-starved neruodisasters found each other.
Regardless of how familiar you are with some of my other work you can probably guess who her is. It’s been 31 years since she’s had a hug and the last one ended VERY POORLY. :C And it’s been up to 8 years since anyone has voluntarily gone near Imogen.
I just realized I’ve been neglecting to make it clear that Pâté’s dialogue is actually coming from Laudna, oops. All his text bubbles have been pointing to him. (She’s just a really good ventriloquist, had a long time to practice.) But it’s an important distinction here because she’s using him to communicate while she’s too overwhelmed and uncomfortable to speak about herself. This is mostly extrapolation/headcanon on my part; although she does have him talk about her a few times in canon (mainly about his own origins) it isn’t because she was reluctant to do so herself. But I kinda wonder about the repercussions of him having his own voice now that he’s her familiar and not a puppet she can speak through, having that means of expression cut off from her.
I also want to take a moment to say that I’m really, truly touched by how warmly this comic has been received! It means a lot to me to know that people are looking forward to it every week.
When I was about middle school age I had to learn to curb my enthusiasm for my creative projects because I used to get in trouble when I got too excited or talkative about something I was interested in or working on. My mother would get not just impatient but punitively ANGRY about it. (Which hurt because at the time a lot of it wasn’t fandom but original stories and characters and worlds and mythologies that I’d created and was building with my friends.) She used to call me into her room and tell me “You just go on and on and ON” and that no one in the family wanted to hear it, and my friends weren’t really interested in all of this and were just humoring me. If she thought I was getting too obsessed with something she’d limit my access to it and didn’t let me visit my friends’ houses too often because she was afraid their parents would think I was weird. So I learned to keep how much I care about anything to myself. (In retrospect it’s now pretty obvious to me that there’s some undiagnosed neurodivergence here that she was just not equipped to parent, but at the time it was very damaging, especially since she didn’t treat my neurotypical siblings the same way and let them happily obsess over boybands and middle school drama.)
(And nowadays she’s pretty much chilled out about it, although I am still careful to hide my interests from her. She knows I have them, but she doesn’t know how deeply I’m involved or how much they mean to me. One notable exception was a few months ago when I came back from a convention where I’d cosplayed as Matilda and she wanted to know what my costume was and I couldn’t explain without delving into the seven layer cake of Backstory there, haha. But she was kind of bemusedly tolerant about it. Also if I emotionally damaged you at PAX Unplugged in Philadelphia last December, hi!)
All this is not to say Woe Is Me but to explain that to this day, every time, I have to punch through a wall of anxiety to put my work out there, especially something as emotionally charged and heartfelt as this, because I can’t interact with anyone without her voice in my head like Delilah freaking Briarwood telling me that no one else is really interested. I have a hard time participating in fandom spaces and discussions because even though I know we’re all there because we are rabid about the same thing I still worry that people aren’t going to care about what I have to say. Sometimes I’ll post on discord and then immediately delete it because I’m afraid I’m imposing even though I know I’m allowed to be there. :|
So, if you’re reading this, thank you. I love you! All of you!! It means so, so much to me to be creating something that is wanted and enjoyed. <3
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My thoughts on C3e25
Please don't read this. Is long and my thoughts are stupid. I would tag it just to have a way to find it later in my own post.
This is just my takeaways from the last episode so I want to write them and check later if I was wrong about them.
There's something really shady about this feywild stuff. I think "time is a weird soup" has never applied better than now. It seems like Dusk somehow met Fearne's parents before they have her.
Also, Dusk's reaction about Fearne's grandmother made me question a lot about her. Is Morrigan really her grandma? not sure, but there's something there.
After their message with Imogen, they didn't mentioned Dusk at all, even if Imogen did mentioned it.
I think the only person that would react to Laudna saying the rock was taken by Delilah would be Orym. And the thing is, I believe if that's the case they would put in second place fixing the relationship with Imogen and focusing in the Delilah part. I hope they get to talk about that more later but I feel that they tried to focus on those feelings and trying to help and mend Laudna and Imogen's relationship.
What Laudna said struck with me a lot. I feel like, romantic feelings or platonic, Laudna somehow had decided to not pursuit more that what she got because she wants Imogen to be free of burdens and stuff, and Laudna is a person with two lifetimes of baggage. Just like it was proven a few episodes before, Delilah can hurt their relationship and even more, Imogen. Maybe that has made Laudna to root herself in the friend scenario, and delivery or by subconscious, she had put barriers on them.
Is kinda ironic and very sad to see Imogen so jealous and think that Laudna is like nothing happened but not notice that Laudna is actually kicking herself and crying a lot because of the pain.
Orym little pause while he was talking to Imogen. I think he wanted to say more about their relationship but probably he didn't because neither Imogen or Laudna had express more than friendship.
The ring Imogen bought. This is gonna have a significant moment later. I'm pretty sure if Dusk don't make their move before Imogen is gonna give that ring to Laudna.
Dusk came and took not prisoners. That "good talk" with Imogen was so funny. They are a great addition to the campaign.
The fact that was Ashton(that somehow seems to be the one that doesn't care for bullshit like this) was the one that pursuit the conversation, and somehow gave advice says so much about how they have growth to like the hell bells.
I actually enjoy how is just episode 25 and they already have this type of closeness. I freaking love the mighty nein but they didn't have this level of relationship so early(and I haven't watch vox machina to compare there).
Whitestone is for lovers T-shirt have so many different meanings I'm actually in a buckle of ideas about it. Liam is crazy for doing that and I love him for it.
I really didn't care that much about the Armand stuff besides Fearne's Quokka which as all the things Fearne does is extremely hilarious and dangerous. I love her.
So for me there's two different scenarios for all the automaton stuff F.C.G is perceiving. Or is to prove that they are special and one of their kind(after all it seems that F.C.G is Aeor/Avalir level of advance compared with the other automatons) or the party later is gonna met a group of automatons like F.C.G. And I mean as advance is language and conversation.
Yes Ashley finally mentioned Opal and the ExU campaign. But I would love if Fearne talks about Opal. I'm glad Matt is talking about ExU more.
Kinda weird that neither Fearne and Chetney have talked or get involved with the Imogen and Laudna scenario. Mostly because ashley and Travis are the ones that react the most with their stuff.
Matt stirring the pot after Dusk and Imogen convo was so funny and I hope people would give it more praise.
The ring of brass died so a undead woman and a moon powered sorcerer acted like two school girls in a romcom.
I did miss them, and even if I had Calamity and the familiar companion during this month, this episode show me how much I missed them.
#critical role#critical role spoilers#bells hells#laudna cr#laudna#fcg critical role#fcg#imogen temult#orym of the air ashari#ashton greymoore#campain 3#fearne calloway#dusk cr
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imogen, laudna, and romance: cr3e27 part 1
though i didn't write a meta for episode 26 i'm back to break down some of the juicy first-half tidbits from the most recent critical role episode!
topics include: laudna & dusk | romance brain
and keep an eye out for part 2!
dusk asks laudna out
now, there are a few things outside of the whole situation that we can factor into this discussion: a) that dusk will eventually double-cross the group and b) that erika ishii the icon has a critical role romance hit list.
let's talk about point a (which to be honest is more relevant). there's a finesse to dusk's choices that i just love. for one, the bumbling, clumsy, enthusiastic character choice was perfect. it's hard not to trust someone who seems so open with their flaws and with the things that they forget.
but what's even more brilliant is that dusk has actually gotten close with the group, and not just in a "you saved me, thank you!! :)" way. because even that doesn't earn trust. not in the way that being a confidante does, not in the way that showing concern over backstory lore and protecting fearne when she's about to get rat-squished does.
if you didn't know dusk was a traitor, you could easily be fooled by the intimacy of it all, of growing to care about people. and what other way to both earn trust and to gain leverage over someone by "falling in love" with them?
it's a vulnerable position, to ask someone out. if you were doubtful about dusk (which i suspect orym and chetney, or at least liam and travis, are starting to wonder about), it's hard to feel like the sweet, shy person asking you on a date will backstab you. but also, becoming romantically entangled is an awfully good way to get someone to do something that you want.
think about it: when imogen and laudna (not saying they're romantically involved) were fighting, laudna would have done anything imogen asked her to do. and dusk likely saw this and thought: here is someone, when she cares about people, is so vulnerable and so desperate to maintain her sense of stability in her relationships that she will do anything to fix it.
possibly, even in the face of betrayal. here is someone dusk could potentially have on their side, if laudna cares about them enough.
it's a wonderful strategic choice. and for erika, it's also a great way for them to stir the pot for the gays, even though they've already checked marisha off the list in spectacular fashion. if only imogen were more approachable...
romance brain
so, laudna's reaction. i think it was valid and heartbreaking and charming all at once. she was quite literally blindsided by dusk there, right before a conversation she had been dreading for days, so it's understandable that she wouldn't be able to really present an answer.
and that's something people don't talk about. you can get blindsided by people seeking relationships with you, but you don't owe anyone anything, especially if you're not ready.
but what i also found interesting was that laudna said: "i haven't accessed that part of my brain in 50 years" and imogen's response is "it would be strange to access that."
hello, headcanon that imogen is aromantic hehe
in all seriousness: i've been thinking lately about the expectations that have been placed on imodna since the beginning for a romantic relationship- but to me, neither of them are really built to intensely strive for that?
imogen has gone through so much with reading people's minds, hearing the awfulness of humanity, and being shunned for being who she is. the intimacy of romance, then, i feel like would feel really hard for her, because like she said about dates: "you're in their mind and you're hearing what you're doing wrong." and that's just it, isn't it?
it's hard to have a relationship (or even a friendship, as has been illustrated by her dynamics with everyone) when you know you can delve into their mind and just find out what's going on. it's hard to have a relationship when the very part that makes you you can be very off-putting and is something you always have to keep in check.
and she's heard the worst of the world, and every horrible part about romantic relationships. so perhaps i do headcanon that she's aromantic, because romance is hard and wouldn't it just make sense, if romance just doesn't click with her because she's familiar with intimacy both at its worst, and in the smallest, minute thoughts of the people around her? and to her, aren't the thoughts of friendship equally as gentle, and thoughtful, and beautiful as romance?
and then there's laudna, who is quite literally undead, and like she said, also hasn't accessed that part of her brain for 50 years, and that so much has been going on that she hasn't had time for that.
and i totally get that, too, when you're so focused on pushing forward and improving yourself and working towards better that you don't have time for romance, and the notion isn't that appealing.
that's not saying that i'll be at all upset if they do become canon (because let's be honest, the cast loves their party romances and who am i to protest amazing character moments and beautiful relationships), because i think that would also be beautiful in its own way, but i do think imogen and laudna at least won't be jumping into a relationship in the near future, for the reasons i talked about.
either way, i'm excited a) for the joy of a queer platonic relationship or b) a wonderfully delicious slow burn like you wouldn't believe.
the conversation was brilliantly played and wonderful in that it acknowledged everything that each of them had done wrong. i'm very glad that the first thing, really, imogen apologizes for was not checking in on laudna after she was controlled by delilah. she acknowledges how terrible that would have been and how scary it was and i think that is really the most important aspect of this argument to have been covered.
because, as people have pointed out in my asks (which i accidentally deleted, so sorry to that user) laudna was compromised and taken advantage of for someone else's own gain, and when she needed a friend, imogen wasn't there for her.
luckily, it seems like imogen is very aware of that fact. and i suspect that she will make every effort to be there every step of the delilah journey from here on out.
but laudna also acknowledged what imogen had been through: that breaking the rock was wrong, even if it wasn't technically her fault, and that imogen had gone through a dream alone.
i'm also glad they talked without fcg, because ultimately, it gave each of them (laudna, imogen, and fcg) the chance to get what they needed out of the conversations of that night, without feeling like they had to put on a performance for someone else, or pretend that fcg's style of therapy was working for them when in the end, it ended up being so simple.
laudna and imogen, just them, the way that everything started. and i think that's beautiful.
#imogen temult#laudna#dusk#critical role#critical role spoilers#cr spoilers#cr meta#meta#imogen meta#laudna meta#imodna#imogen x laudna#cr campaign 3#cr3e27
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I loved this last episode of CR, but also have a couple of gripes with it and the overall arc. I can't overstate how epic the episode was and how much I love a BIG LOT of what's been done so far in C3, but I also need to rant about two or three things that have been bothering me lol
(ignore if you don't wanna read mild criticism)
First, Ludinus's plan with Vax relied on too many variables and probably's. Orym or no Orym, he assumed Keyleth would intervene in-person for sure at the end, therefore luring Vax out, which... Yeah, very very likely, but should you really hinge a huge master plan a thousand years in the making on 'very likely'? I wouldn't fuck with that many odds tbh.
Secondly, and this is an issue I've had with this campaign at large since the Ruidus plot really kicked off, I think the fact that Bells Hells were always clearly in over their heads in this was a bit of a turn off for me, or at least took me out of it a bit, because the whole thing felt too big, too soon for the campaign. Like, how do you follow this up? How do you justify another nearly two thirds or over a half of campaign? Because yeah, if C1 and C2 are anything to go by, we haven't even hit the halfway mark for Bells Hells. How do you keep the stakes high enough for people to care when you've had this monumental arc so soon when the characters aren't even level 10 and are so clearly out of their depth? This feels like endgame, but we aren't even halfway through. Mind you, I love this arc (despite the incessant lore dumps, some of which quite boring tbh) and thought 51 was epic. Legit cried when Vax showed up and then got my heart broken. Also wanted a lot more Beau and Caleb, though, and those rolls by Liam and Marisha taking them out so soon felt really unsatisfying tbh, even if they helped flesh out just how strong these villains are. I think that's part of the problem - Lvl20 Keyleth and Vax plus Lvl~18 (?) Caleb and Beau were no match for them, how could the Hells even make a difference besides delay the inevitable? So yeah, I think that's my main gripe: the disproportionate threat level, which also made it glaringly obvious from the beginning that there was no winning there - not completely. Not to mention that it somewhat strips players of their agency imo. Of course there were some bad rolls and bad decisions. The Imogen/Liliana persuasion check, Ashley - who is my favorite player and must be protected at all costs, mind you - was pretty much useless (it seems she thought they had more time, otherwise definitely wouldn't have skipped turn after turn after turn, especially considering Fearne had the potential to do great damage to the bad guys' plan - BIG roleplaying moment from Ashley by not going for the beacon, though. That was SO tempting, but she managed to stay true and not metagame), the Beau and Caleb rolls (Beau's above all, since she had advantage), Orym failing to destroy the backpack when he was THAT CLOSE, Marisha forgetting to check the scry ball sooner early on, their bad rolls which delayed the destruction of the power cores in the chambers (could have got to more of them had they done it faster), FCG breaking Ryn (a mix of bad roll and bad decision), Chetney spending all that time on a vain climb, etc. Like, again, yes, a lot of things could have gone differently, but I really think that the final outcome, whatever the iteration, was pretty much out of the players' hands.
Thirdly, and I promise this is the last one, although I loved loved loved loved loved to see Beau and Caleb and Keyleth and Vax, I think the waters may be starting to murky a bit regarding the utilization of former PCs. Marisha hasn't rolled once for Keyleth (as far as we know) but rolled for Beau, even though Matt plays both. So Iike, what's the rule here? Why do Marisha and Liam's rolls only decide some characters' fates? Is it fair to hinge Beau and Caleb's success on the players' roles even though you're the one playing them now? Like, you could see the added tension to Liam and especially Marisha, knowing they each had not one but TWO characters' lives on their hands and couldn't even make decisions for one of them. I don't know that the added pressure is very fair to the players. And, again, why do it for Beau and Caleb and not every other character they've played that shows up? And is it fair to do it for one set of characters and not the other? We go back to the main question: what is the rule?
Anyway I guess I just needed to verbalize my thoughts about the few things I didn't like 😆
That said, I CAN'T WAIT to see what happens next and I really hope Fearne still gets to meet Beau eventually. My girl Ashley deserves it.
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