the truth is that bells hells can talk all they want about being on the same page and sacrificing themselves for this greater cause but they haven't even figured out that they're all part of this cause for different reasons. and orym choosing to go on this mission because he lost his family to these people and he believes this group is the only one who can help save the world and his leader is asking him to is very different from imogen choosing to go on this mission because she eventually realized she could never, ever hope to outrun something that has been haunting and chasing her her entire life.

orym is asking for her to be ready to face the worst case scenario head-on because this is war, but for orym the worst case scenario is failure. for imogen the worst case scenario is far beyond that – it's giving up her soul to this entity and becoming complicit if not an active participant in the methodical destruction of the world. and it's betraying the warnings her mother has given her for years, and it's living but completely losing herself in the process, all in an attempt to protect a world that has been nothing but cruel to her and a pantheon of gods that has never loved her.

and how would she face the fact that she's spent so much time and energy trying to convince herself that her mother can't be saved and her mother is the enemy, with this external pressure from both the party and the most powerful people in the world that she has to be ready to kill her? what do you do when you've forced yourself to hate your own mother and end up becoming just like her anyway? and how can you possibly risk giving in when giving in would mean that you hated your mother for nothing?

and ashton says let's not pretend this isn't going to happen one way or another. when imogen has been desperately clinging to the hope that she can resist this and that she has a future, a life after this where she can live in a cottage with the love of her life and she can have peace. when imogen has believed with her whole being that losing laudna to delilah isn't an inevitability, and all she wants is the rest of the party to do the same for her and predathos, and they just won't. and then wonder why she is so terrified of facing predathos when he tempts her with the rarest, simplest pleasures of belonging, of being understood, of being believed in.

it's valentine's era but all i can think about is how i want an aro character that loves the people around them so much it hurts, who is so in touch with their emotions that they Know they're aro and are proud of it, i want an aro character with friends who value them as much as they value their romantic relationships, i want the aro character to be So Loved that maybe someone does fall in love with them and put in the effort to love them in a way that makes sense for them

my heart and my judgment

Laura's main ladies!

Had an Imogen moment. Alternate background undercut, though personally I love the simple background (above) more

Modern AU Imodna with their pupper, Foie Gras

Inspired by this really cute fic : hold me tighter    

ashley & laura in c3e67

Separation - c3e52 / c3e59

Modern AU Imodna with their pupper, Foie Gras

Inspired by this really cute fic : hold me tighter    

So here's the thing about Imogen at the moment right, I think the party and everyone is missing just how much cognitive dissonance Imogen is experiencing.

Firstly, it's her mother and she doesn't really know her anymore and there are a lot of complicated feelings there but I think it's hard for her to accept or even entertain the idea that her mother is evil, that she truly wants the end of the world. Imogen is also uniquely positioned to steer away from the idea that anyone is inherently and absolutely evil, I think Imogen sees the humanity in everyone, in all their flaws and tries to find reason. She has had to make excuses for the cruelty of her dads fear of her and has tried to empathise with his reasons. She met Laudna who everyone condemned and would be well positioned to also view as a monster and she doesn't, she hears her and learns. Imogen has heard every negative, mean, cruel, impulsive, or intrusive thought everyone has around her, she has to find the way to reason all of those things. So on a surface level, why not her mother? Why is her mother not afforded the forgiveness and understanding that she has had to provide to everyone else?

Secondly, if her mother truly honestly believes that bringing about predathos and the end of the gods is going to be nothing but a good thing for the people of exandria, why would she constantly be telling Imogen to run? If it's a good thing they're doing, if there's nothing wrong, if there's nothing to fear about her powers and is in fact a way to bring about the future that Liliana wants and believes in why, when she reached out again, did she tell her to run? Surely then, with all the fear and foreboding Liliana dishes out, she can't truly believe in what she's doing?

So there's one belief she has to hold, needs to hold. But if that's not true if she takes Liliana at her word, that she believes in this future, then there has to be a reason, it has to be good somehow. And after being lured into that vision maybe, maybe her mother isn't evil, isn't wrong, that can't be the case, so she must be right.

We also know that Imogen is very far in denial about the fact that Orym, Fearne and Laudna were murdered, she doesn't talk about it, she doesn't say it, she hates when anyone else brings it up.

Whenever she talks about the fact she blew up a city block there is such a fear there, a shame, and Fearne pushing her about her maybe doing it on purpose and that long pause, like she had to consider, was it on purpose? Was she in control? Was it her? Everything about her powers has been a constant push and pull between is this something bad? Something inherently evil? Is the source of her powers enough to outweigh the good she's done with it? Are the things she did good? They have to be good right? She's pursuing this path with people that are good, she's used her powers to save Laudna, save her friends, that means it's good right? So maybe the source isn't evil, inherently, maybe it's more complicated, maybe they don't understand everything? There's so much uncertainty, is there a world where maybe just maybe they're wrong?

And I think when she says that, after seeing that vision, it is purely a moment of fast thinking trying to align all the things that just don't make sense in her head, in herself, and is immediately brought back after Oryms comment with shame and upset. Everytime we've seen her consider whether they might be wrong, she is brought back and ashamed that she even entertained the idea.

(A post delving into Imogen)

What was so heartwarming about that conversation was seeing how much Imogen needed to hear that someone would be there for her.

Imogen has spent the majority of her life feeling alone and separate from others. Her father kept a distance, her mother left, and then once her powers began to develop she was treated like an outlier within the community of her town. To be judged, rejected, and gossiped about. She had no one. Although Imogen never went into too much detail about the struggles she faced in her hometown, she did confess that things were really hard for her for several years. To the point that she even admitted that she wasn’t sure how long she would’ve made it if Laudna hadn’t showed up.

Laudna was the first person in who knows how long who she was able to connect with. Someone who didn’t see her as the “town weirdo”. Who didn’t judge her by the markings on her arms or her abilities. Who didn’t shy away from her touch. All of these powers that she possessed—that for so long she viewed as a curse and was ashamed of having—here was a person who not only admired them, but also encouraged her to embrace it. For the first time she was able to see them as a strength by using her powers to protect, and through that, was able to begin a journey of self acceptance and love. During those two years of adventuring with Laudna I feel like that was a time in which Imogen was truly able to begin making progress because she finally was around someone who supported and nurtured her with love. 

But with the introduction to a new group setting with the Bells Hells, and the fact that she suddenly has had to face the one thing that has caused her so much trauma in her life, she has started to really struggle once more. This is a part of Imogen that I feel sometimes gets overlooked when trying to understand her. A lot of why she is suppressing a lot and making the choices that she has is because she’s had to open up all of these wounds that have just barely began to heal. With some of them having only been covered with cloth - to be hidden rather than acknowledged. 

Imogen has had to re-live her trauma over, and over, and over again since the start of this journey, which hasn’t been that long. The storm she’s tried to run away from for over a decade (the same one that she confessed she felt like she’d die if it caught her), she now is right in the middle of it. Her mother who she thought was dead is actually alive, which was then quickly tainted by discovering that she’s also working with the very people they’re trying to stop. To have to navigate wanting to see her mother but also being constantly pushed away by her which causes all of her old wounds of feeling rejected and abandoned to flare up. Wanting to form some sort of genuine connection with her but also having to strategically utilize that relationship to benefit their cause. Hoping to save her and bring her back but also knowing that she may end up having to fight her, or worse, witness/be the cause of her death. And on top of all of that, time and time again she constantly keeps getting told by those around her that she’s destined for a terrible fate. She left her town to be free and feel normal yet everything around her is telling her she never will be.

That is until she got shown a future in which she could…by Liliana.

However, that wasn’t the first time she was able to see the possibility of a better life for herself. It first happened when she set off with Laudna. Those two years when it was just them she finally was given the opportunity to believe that her life could get better. Where she could not only feel peace but actually be happy, and—as I said before— to heal. But as time went on that reality quickly began to feel like an impossible dream as she struggled to fight being bombarded by all the forces telling her it could never happen. Then to witness seeing the one person who made her feel loved, the one person who was her tether that she wanted to share that life with, be snuffed out right in front of her. It was like the final confirmation that she needed that life could never be good for her.

Now cut to the last episode where Imogen has seemed to have fallen back into the same mindset she use to be in when she lived in Galvaan all those years ago. The cycling thoughts of self loathing, doubt, shame, guilt, pain, loneliness, and the impossibility to visualize a better life. It was evident how much she has been suppressing and combating within herself recently. So to have Liliana then show her a life in which she could feel whole again, but now only see it, feel it. It’s understandable why she struggled to reject it.

But what I found so beautiful is that in her struggle she went to go find Laudna to try and open up about what she was going through, and through that, she was able to get exactly what she needed in that moment which was love and support. That is something that she never had back in Galvaan and thus caused her to continue to be stuck in that unending spiral of darkness and despair. Which was exactly what was happening again after that dream as the creeping feelings of being feared, judged, and ostracized began to resurface.  But now, with Laudna, she has that unconditional support system that can help her through those times whenever she feels that darkness looming. It’s something she still seems to struggle to utilize at times, which is understandable as she’s spent pretty much her whole life internalizing everything. However, her initiating that conversation while also coming to the realization by herself that she must love all of who she is has shown just how far she has come in her journey of healing, which is something that I found incredibly heartwarming to watch. As someone who understands that difficulty it really moved me.

Then to see the relief and comfort that washed over Imogen from hearing Laudna tell her that she’d always be there for her, supporting her, which is what she so desperately needs. It pulled at my heartstrings so much. I really love Imogen and have connected with her in so many ways, and seeing her journey of struggle and healing has certainly been a big highlight for me this campaign. 

Do not add discourse to this post. I simply wanted to express my own personal insight and appreciation for a character that I love, not debate. Please respect that.

Something that’s really important to me about Imogen and Laudna’s dynamic, whether you ship them or not, is that they’re both women who understand what it’s like to be stripped of choice, and to have people always thinking the worst of them. Both ostracised in their homes (as well as out of in Laudna’s case), both having other people make decisions about their lives. Different circumstances for each, but at its bare essentials that’s what it is.

And that’s why I think it’s so important the way they give each other choices, and support their ability to make them. Not only that, but they have faith in each other and their choices. Imogen wanted Laudna back so, so desperately when she died, but she heard FCG trying to force Laudna and knew that it was wrong, even if it was the outcome she desired. She had faith that Laudna would come back to her, but she still gave her the choice.

And I think we’re seeing the reverse of that now with their last chat in ep49. Imogen has been very badly rocked by the revelation that her mother is there willingly, because she wants so badly for her mum to be good, to have been forced against her will, and it was a real gut punch to find out that’s not the case. She needs a moment to reconcile that, and her knee jerk response is to try and keep that image of a good mother, because it’s her mother and she still loves her, even if Liliana is one of the people who took choices from her.

And yes, Laudna could have told her that obviously she’s wrong and obviously she should side against her mum, but that’s not the kind of relationship they have.

Laudna has faith in Imogen, she doesn’t believe the worst of her. And she will always, always, give her a choice.

I've had So Many Thoughts since last night's episode but the biggest one sticking out in my mind is the locket with baby imogen's tiny baby fingerprint and the "better halves become a better whole" inscription on it

relvin is absolutely not the worst parent a critical role pc has had to deal with, but he kinda fucking sucked. as a lot of people expected. but there's so much of him in imogen, and so much of imogen in him. namely, they both suck at showing their feelings and bury them down. and the way relvin talks about liliana and his awkward, not-that-affectionate interactions with imogen tell me this extends to his ability to show his love. imogen differed from him there initially, and still isn't nearly as bad as he is in that regard, but I know we've all noticed there's definitely been more of a gap between her and laudna than there used to be.

honestly, I am fully willing to believe relvin does have a good heart. but a good heart isn't really worth salt if it's buried under too many hard layers for you to let its love out. and at the core of all of imogen's anger and bitterness that's been rising in her since the encounter with otohan, that same good heart beats within her, and it's at risk of being buried just like relvin's. as I said, it feels like she's already going down that path.

and liliana, well, I think I've already made a post about her and imogen's similarities. they both want answers. they're both curious to a fault. most of all, they both feel they're a danger to the ones they love. imogen, at one point, considered doing the same thing her mother did and running away. that, though, I think imogen's already defying. she's wanted to run, but she didn't. she's walking into the storm alongside her friends.

so, back to the locket. "two better halves make a better whole". imogen is the better whole formed from half of relvin and half of liliana. she is both of them, carrying those traits that make them kinda shitty parents, no doubt carrying traits that once made them good, loving people as well. her father's good heart, but also the layers he buries it under. her mother's love, but lack of ability to face the ones she feels it for.

she carries both of them, but part of her story is taking those halves she carries from them and becoming better than either of them.

Imogen and Laudna, and the progression of “I love you”.

It’s not like they haven’t said it to each other before. They’ve said it so many times. But what happens when they start to feel nervous in saying it. What happens when a phrase that use to leave their lips so casually, without a second thought, now struggles to leave their throat. What happens when the vocalization of their love for each other now begins to feel like a secret confession. It shouldn’t be hard to say. This isn’t anything new for them, and yet…it is new. Everything is new.

The way they look at each other is not the same way they’ve looked at each other before. The way their voices shake whenever the other is in danger. The nerves they carry whenever the other is too far from them…and how much that heightens whenever they’re too close. It never use to be like this. So why is it like this now?

“I love you” is such a simple thing to say and yet the toughest to confess. So why can’t they say it anymore? Why, indeed…

"i'm still holding your hand, in the fey. i never stopped... can you hear me?"