.

This is a bunch of sad lost and confused and frustrated and lonely sludge, advise not reading

Crimson Rivers thoughts pt. 5

chapter 9:

1. OMG DID REMUS FORGET TO GO BACK TO HIS CELL WAIT HOLY SHIT THIS ISNT GONNA BE GOOD

2. oh good wait, remus left and came back

3. sirius’ first thought is to brush his teeth to kiss sirius 😭😭 he’s so me fr. i wouldn’t let my ex kiss me unless they brushed their teeth first. or had a mint. im so sensitive to smells

4. “He used to build things. Create things. And now he's lucky if he doesn't destroy what's already formed.” JESUS FUCK. THATS LITERALLY SO SAD WTF

5. 😭😭😭 sirius is literally amidst gay panic beyond your wildest comprehension and remus is just like ✨☺️😏🥱🩷🏳️‍🌈 “touch me”

BABES

6. “Remus hums. "Imagine how I feel. No one's touched me without causing me pain in five years."” NOOOO BABY

7. god, wolfstar deserves everything. the best wolfstar content i find is always in a fic that is centered on another ship. i could literally survive off wolfstar alone- no water, no food, no air

8. wolfstar calling each other beautiful>>>>>>>

9. 😬 what did sirius jsut say. i must be going crazy. cause there’s no way he just said he needed to brush his teeth

10. wolfstar deserves the world universe

11. reg is no longer a pathetic teen with a crush, he’s a pathetic adult with a crush

12. reg being grumpy even in his sleep <33333

13. james having a pathetic crush on reg while cuddling together is top tier

14. there really needs to be an emoji to accurately show the face i just made. it probably looks similar to this- 😀😟 what. there’s no way reg is about to tease james, just to get his old 14 year old self off

15. 😀😀 girl what is he doing. i-

16. how he became freinds with barty is so crimson rivers canon, i can’t even. like, i KNOW that it’s canon. but it’s also canon that bizzarestars was right about. no author mistakes in that piece

17. damn, reg is actually gonna go at it. i don’t know how james is gonna survive this and make it to the actual arena.

18. “James says his name like it's the only word that has meaning. His voice is rough, and Regulus' name is sloppy and desperate in his mouth, like a hail mary or a form of salvation.” CHRIST. I SAID I DIDNT KNOW HOW JAMES WOULD SURVIVE THIS, BUT HOW THE HELL DID REG SURVIVE THIS??

19. “Barty is a good lover, there's no denying that—but he'll be damned if James isn't just better.” 😟 shocked. omg. who would have guessed this would be reggie’s thoughts

20. “"Because you might die today," Regulus tells him bluntly, shrugging one shoulder as he stands up. "Consider it a parting gift. Now, get out."”

😧

they just fucked, and all reg can do is be like “yeah yeah, now get out horny bitch” no fucking way i just read that right i-

bitch that’s foul

21. “Regulus is a conundrum, honestly.” yes. that’s the word i’d use to describe him.

22. james: don’t tell sirius that reg and i just fucked. also james: “he’s in the shower”

bitch if you could be any more obvious

23. “Remus Lupin. If there's one good thing to come out of all this, it's him.” YES YES YES ABSOLUTELY! REMUS IS THE GOOD IN THIS

24. “”James, I am so grateful to know you, and so sorry that I had to. Every name that I call is a name I wish I never learned. Yours—you—will remain etched into my heart forever."” BITCH I CANT CRY OVER THIS- MY EYE MAKEUP LOOKS TOO GOOD TODAY TO CRY

25. “"I'll see you again soon, Regulus."” BITCH WTF THAT HURTS EVEN MORE THAN JAMES’ GOODBYE

26. maybe it’s been too long since i’ve read the books, BUT this fic seems to capture the absolute tragedy and horrors of it before it even starts even more

27. christ, not reg saying the “i don’t want to go” that hurts. like holy fuck. he’s still just a scared child. don’t put him in that arena

28. god, the way the death of james feels like sirius dying too. and sirius deciding that once james is dead, sirius will be too

how the hell is this people’s comfort fic???

29. not sirius having a lapse of memory and losing his memory of his last moments with james. that shit hurts

30. fabian <3333

31. 😧 wait fabian is dead. they just shot him. holy shit

32. gideon <3333

33. wait gideon is dead too.

y’all. i just-

this whole chapter was a fucking rollercoaster.

If slashers interact regulalary, like as if going about more or less like rgeular people(but still slahsers of course :P), I am curious. Jamie Llyod, how would slashers interact with there buddies niece?Suddenly finding herself with a bunch of honorary "uncles"

Specific curisiotes include, Brahms, Jason, Bubba, both Scream guys(Billy and Stu), Leslie Vernon, and anyone else you might wanna toss in there if your happy to answer :)

AWWWW (i had to google Jamie Llyod cuz i thought you meant a guy from lego ninjago cartoon series and i was a little confused) Request open!!

Voorhees Jason

HE WILL BE SO SCARED PLS HE, HE CANT, HE CANNOT COMPERHAND

Accually he seems to be great with kids, he is just overthinking. If they go to shop together he wont be able to resist buying her whatever snack she wants!

He would rather pick her up and carry her around than to hold her hand because he gets distracted easly and he would just loose her in middle of forest

Jason will melt if jamie will say something along the lines "you are the best unlce ever!!" he will litteraly pass out and die

Jason and Micheal are besties so i can see them just hanging around and Micheal just randomly bringing her with him. just to chill and vibe. It would be very quiet vibe due to them being mute but it doesnt stop them from hanging out!

Billy and Stu! (tw to yall homophobes, this biches gay)

"ew a child..." "sup uncle Billy and Stu" "uhh look you are here only because Micheal made us baby sit you" "lol okay"

"I hate childen so much Stu :( " "Cmon its not that bad! She painted my nails!" "of course she did" "Also she said Im way better baby sitter than you!" "I- aint no way you are better than me"

This evening just turned into Billy and Stu trying to beat each other in "who is better uncle" competition

"Hey Jamie wanna see a scary movie :]" "cmon shes like 4" "im almost sure shes like 7 dude"

"I'm hungry im calling Micheal" "NONONO I- i mean why- we ordered fastfood! right Stu?" "uhh yeaahh, wait i just need to go outside for a, eeehh for an *runs to nearest fastfood to buy sometihng to eat*

they forgor that children accualy have to eat

they are so chaotic, they will fall asleep together (all 3) while watching Sponge Bob (Stu and Billy are secretly boyfriends btw i do not care that it has nothing to do with this headcanons, i just wanna inform you all)

"I know you guys are gay" " :O WHAT! I mean- who told you that! pfff some prankster probably" "I saw you hold hands! and thats what people do when they love each other! :3"(top tier sin)

Billy and Stu live together probably and their house is such a mess! its probably huge too, because Stu perents kinda rich. So i can imagine them loosing Jamie in middle of hause and then looking for her (shes goofy ah she will pretend they are playing hide and seek jsut to scare the shit out of them)

Heelshire Brahms

HE he would be so akward!!! Like "ehhh uhh hello child why are you in my house child, uhhh bloody hell" (Quick reminder that hes British and i will make fun of him)

HE WOUDL PROBABLY CALL MICHEAL "Uhhh Mr Micheal ur eeh your niece is here uhh can you like pick her up-" Jamie just standing behind hir "AAH-You, you wanna play scrabbles?" "ew no, can we play hide and seek" "Oh.My.God nevermind you can stay"

Micheal just comes to pick her up or something and Brahms with Jamie are already besties and they prolly made frienship braslets (and shit talk some people too)

okay ladies im back and i will write some more soon! pls comment and dont remember to like and subscibe and hit that bell button

tbh i dint have a lot of ideas (thats why Bubba isnt included i just had no clue what to write) but its good ig, and if i will find any people bullying stu/billy for being homosex i will steal ur steam account B)

x reader tags are only for more people to reach this post nothing sus here

aauUUGHHHhhhHhHH  last post suepr. long . psot. sorry i was having a time

picking mysekf up the floor like a muppet and throwqign myself onto the keyboard okay

thinking about claire now that they all know about the contract this is going to get so good and dont worry im hyped but its so scary somebodys definitely going to die and just...aghhghhg... all of the cgs.. so cool the wishes they have im glad their backstories were all revealed but now its all added up to this point in a way

HELPGFJS so true lime so true WHAT THE HELL THE WAY SHE HID THE WORD NEGATIVE TJHATS SO UNFAIR WHTA THEHFGK I GUESS YOU COULD TWIST IT AROUND AND SAY WELL ITS A DEMON CONTRACT BETTER EXPECT IT TO BE NEGATIVE BUT THATS STILL SO CRUEL TO PULL ASHE SPENT SO SO LONG JUST TRYING TO FIND SOME WAY SOMEHOW TO REVIVE HIS FAMILY BECAUSE OF HIS INSISTENT DENIAL THAT ITS NOT OVER AND THATS JUST WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN MAYBE THEN HE’D REALLY BE INSANE/BROKEN i jusghtjgjhg man. this fucking game lime you are so dead the moment rouge finds out. rules are there for a reason but i feel like itll be too late by then  lime is too emotional about what she does her impulsivity is really her downfall i guess

girl./...........youre the worst...................... (affectionate. kinda)

NOEL NOEL NOEL NOEL MY EVERYTHING NOEL </3 NOEL 

THIS IS THE WORST SITUATION TO BE IN SOMEONES GONNA SHOOT HER OR STAB HER SIRIUS IS SO IMPULSIVE NOEL DOESNT WANT TO HURT ANYBODY ASHE IS BEYOND DESPERATE ITS JUST SO BAD FOR CLAIRE AND IT ISNT EVEN HER FAULT

ISIRUS YOU ANGEL NONONONONONONOONONO WHY DOES HE ALWAYS HAVE TO GET THE SHORT END OF THE STICK

still somehow iconic......... THIS IS SO INTENSE UGHGFKSJHGEKWJHRTIEQ I LOVE IT BUT IM SO SRESSTED OUT they were all affected by the dreams and god just reminding someone of their past does that i guess its all so,,

sirius sirius i love you i love you so much but theyre looking at you so distastefully sirius are you buying them time are you trying to get them to understand maybe your words will reach them but it might get you killed please please dont die he died I HATE THIS I HATE THIS

WILARDO??????????????????? THE REGRET GOT TO HIM WILARDO AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SIRIUS WAS TRYING HIS BEST BUT HE WAS SHUT UP JUST LIKE THAT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i took all of the rest of the screenshots without commenting so i could play without pausing so!111 if some is a bit vague thats why

HSJHGHGHGHKJHGH I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS SO MUCHGHHG ASHE JUST EFFORTLESSLY STABBED HIM LIKE THAT AND IS TRYING TO LOOK AT HIOW ITS GOING TO BE GRAHNTED NOW AND EVERYTHING WILL BE BACK AGAIN IM USRE THATS ALL HE RUNS ON WHEN E DOES THIS HE JUST TELLS HIMSELF THAT THIS IS THE ONLY WAY FOR IT TO HAPPEN AND OFC HE CANT ACCPET IT SO EASILY HE NEVER HAS IN THE PAST YEARS

a WIALROD WILARDO MAKES ME SO SAD IM SORRY EVEN AFTER SO MUCH TIME OF BEING HGJHKJFFHRWKJHRE3H32ROUI32YRH432UR2KRUJ23HR hE JU7ST DEICDED ANWYAY TO STOP HIM FROM KILLING CXLAIRE EVEN IF HE WANTED THE SAME THING HE PUT ASIDE HIS OWN WISH FOR THIS SO HE COULD STOP HIM AND ITS SO AAAAGHGHH I CANT PUT IT INTO WORDS BUT THIS IS SUCH A GOOD SCENE  SOMEONE HE HASNT KNOWN FOR EVEN A WEEK. HE STOPPED ASHE FROM DOING THAT  WILARDO DESERVED. BETTER

ashe feeling some feelings he doesnt wanna feel i have to admit this guy can run really really fast i really wish we found out what happened to them after this,, DUDE WHAT THE HELL HE APPLIED IT TO CLAIRES SCALP SO SECRELTY TOO HE COULD BE AN ASSASSIN IF HE WNATED 

HELPFHF THEY CALLED IT OUT RIGHT THERE ITS NEVER A GOOD THING WHEN THAT HAPPENS noel right away caring about claire >> i cry about them everyday did you kn ow BUT SERIOUSLY WHY ARE THEY MESSING AORUND EVEN MORE THINKING ABOUT IT THEY TAMPERED WIAH ALL OF IT bro when will they catch a break...they need to face one thing after another and now htey need to face a weird puzzle with fire and everything and im so scared about the poison claire is dealing with how long will it take to kill her

AAAAGGGGGGGGGHGHJHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I WILL NEVER. EVER. SHU TUP. AHBO UT THEM .

CLAIRE FEELING LIKE SHIT EVEN STILL SAW NOEL STRUGGLING AND PANICKING FROM THE GUITL AND EVEN THOUGH SHE FELT SICK SHE EVEN STILL JUST HELPED HIM AND JSUYT THE WLAMI GNG SPRITE THE. THE WLAKJIGN SPRTITE THE AAAAAAAAAAAUGHHGHJHHHHH AND EVENT EHN TEHY CARE FOER EACH OTHER BECAUS E NOEL NOTICES HOW TIRED SHE IS AND THEN HE JUSTJNGGNFJGKFKDJGHFDKJGWRETWE34T32W452324523523

HE FINDS. HISME LF. IN CLAI RE. HE ADMITREWD HIMSELF THAT HE MAY NOT BE RLEIAB RLE. AN DYE T . THA TMAY JUST BE HIS WORDS OR WHATEVR BUT JUST HTE WAY THAT CLAIRE GIVES HIM SO MUCH CORUAGE SHE GIVES HIM SO MUCH MENAING AND SHE MAKES HIM GO TO LENGTHS THAT HE NEVER WOUL FOR ANYBODY ELSE HE RELALY WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR CLAIRE AND IT MAY BE UNREQUITED LOVE ON CLAIRES SIDE BUT I GNEUINELY JSUT EITHER WAY WHATEVER WAY THEYRE HONESTLY JUST SO>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>AGGHHHH I CANT WORD BUT I WAS EXPLODING DYING DISSOLVING DURING ALL OF HTIS SO MUCH

THE TIME LOOP WAS FOUND OUT AND STILL NOEL CANT KILL CLAIRE EVEN WHEN THE KNIFE IS AT HIS FEET AND ITS THE BEST TIME HE STILL CANT FIND IT IN HIMSELF TO EVEN PICK UP THE KNIFE AND INSTEAD JUST BEGS CLAIRE NOT TO DIE GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I CNAT TAKE THIS

SHE PICKED UP THE KNIFE AND JUST,GFDGJFKGHE STABBED HERSELF  SHE HASNT WANTED TO DIE THIS ENTIRE TIME BUT SHE JUST DIES BY HER OWN HAND HERE SO THAT GHJHGFUSDKHFOEUIRH32IH32U43214324J32432 IM SORRY IM KEYSMASHING SO MUCH BUT 

a this is to be honest one of my favorite claire moments i mean i didnt completely understand what was going on and i still dont but it was jusst so,, after it all i felt something i wasnt sure what but i def felt something and wanted to cry AND SHE LOOKS SO GOOD HERE. HER DEVELOPMENT >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> WAHGHGH

the scrtahced out i just died. i love the credits

this place is so weird but comforting its funny to think about how claire can still react to things while in here the entire bonus thing. the music was so good. walked into the place to see zizel

she finds claire way too entertaining which i guess is better than hatred,,,,,,, and apparently theyre playing russian roulette now on what memories she’ll remember from this bonus after everything AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

this is the scariest thing ive ever done in my life maam please istg if theres any actual bullets

to be fair claire was dizzy from poison, suffering stab wounds, just went through fire and tons of pressure and trauma backstories, and had just had the knife in front of her 

sorry we dont look good enough

or we cant do your porn hub industry from 570 coal region and we cant get drugs or even medical treatment for psychological problems because we cant trust this healthcare system even congress with what you guys have been studying and doing to the whole state of pa. coming from the family of the people who set the billing and standards of care. denying people medical attention because you want to keep promoting underage usage and keep blaming people for the failures kulpmont created to hide all of the bullshit for freshmen.

keep fucking it up because all your doing is retard strengthing us and scrambling out brain on this odyessy of the mind shit how many fires in the area were because you guys were patrolling the meth recipe that could have been avoided.

were trying to see if they are the insurance fraud scams and thats why they occured.

need more better investigators but something not of this state cause the old ancient addages of pa cant resurface on the people who are victims of it while you all still play victims but dont want to do anything different just say im doing this because someone said something i dont like wwhen karma has been eating you all up and you have all been found guilty of trying to pass your fates off and youre all jsut fucking scared to =die and i dont want anyone like that in my cause.

tw // uh nsfw mentions and suicide and general mental illness stuff idk

-

i love fukuzawa sm but idk if id rather him mentor me or fuck me

i think i should die to be honest im sad dude ill cry i wonder if i have a dissasociativive disorder like. depersonalisation seems concerningly familiar well like it makes sense of course derealisation and deperasalisation

idk how to spell but they make so much sense. on the other hand one must consider that i am evil and pathetic and dont deserve an explanation for my feelings nope im jsut bad and should die. but apart from that

im tired man. im very tired i want to cry. i also. cant seem to move



so idk if i have dpdr or im just tired or have executive dysfunction everythings very confusing im trying

why

and is it unreality or is it me philosophising or

whats going on i know no one else knows i dont i feel like i have never been a person i feel like a mirror more than anything i dont know and feelings are so complicated i want to cry and i dont understand whats going on and im so sick of myself but i cant seem to stop and everything i say feels like a lie and i cant remember anything i feel like im fading also how is it almost 11pm

i feel like i dont have any agency and

like if someone has moved the content of this image way to far off the edge

and i dont know if the whole "i dont feel like a person" thing is dpdr or succh strognly engrained self loathing or a combination of both or me making excuses for being lazy or i dont know and it always has always felt like there are too many people in my head. whcih sounds yk. not great. and it isnt but then what if ive convinced myself that i have dpdr/whatever because i just want a label and something solid or i dont know but no i think i do and who is i anyway who am i referring to ive been through this so many times before and nothing changes nothing has every changed and nothing will help

and i know it sounds like im having a panic attack because i am but this is how it feels all the time

oh

i used to joke to myself that my brain was either so full of thoughts it hurts or completely empty and full of fog but that might be dpdr

like, anxiety/trauma or dissacociative

oh no

but idk i havent really had an trauma what if im making this up just because i want my friend to know whats wrong with me and me to get better and have a nice little storyline and get better

it feels like whenever im lucid im in pain

ha. well. thats a thing now i guess

im so tired of this. but its all good its fine. i cant even self harm properly

what if the reason im so anxious all the time is because im scared of why im doing something

it feels like im comingn to some big resolution but what if im just convincing myself of that so i can feel good but everything will stay the same? there are dried tears on my laptop and they look like stains of cum

oh no i think i might be dpdr. like. when /that/ happened. i distracted msyelf and felt "usual" and then i was reminded of it and it hurted so much

oh no oh fuck what

well. theres that i guess

yeah no im pretty sure i have uh depersonalisation/derealisation disorder. it makes a lot of sense. at last the puzzle of the self is completed and im better and everything is fine /s

no wonder i relate to will wood and jreg so much.

there is now the issue of

a) who the fuck am i

b) what the fuck do i do now

uh i need help i think ( yeah no shit )

it really does feel like there are hundreds of people living up in my brain

im scared about what i should do next.

i have to go to london tomorrow

no wonder i find it so hard to explain my thinking process and emotions. of course. it makes sense now

im posting this so theres some external record of what happened today. but this is basically a diary entry so yknow.

stupid fucking idiot boy. how can you lay on my lap and grab my hand but I feel like an idiot when I want to lean my head on your shoulder :( I cant fucking tell how you feel and I feel like im deluding myself into seeing something that isn’t actually there. Im so fucking stressed about everything in my life and I wish to god you weren’t one of those things. I just want to talk to you and have you make me feel better but im so stupid and I don’t want to annoy you and I don’t want to treat you like a boyfriend when I don’t even think you’ll ever be that. I wish I had the confidence to say something but I feel like that would just ruin everything because im probably just over analyzing it all and I want to throw up like gberfgvanoerufoniafnworre I CANT TELL. I cant tell and I feel stupid. I wish youd just say something if there was something happening but I guess since you wont that means that there isnt and I just want to bash my head into the wall. im so stupid I think ive gotten my sister to think that theres something happening when theres not and I just. Im even too scared to text you now and I just don’t know whats happening around me. it feels like everything is happening too quickly and too suddenly and theres so much going on. not jsut for me but for you too and that’s why I feel so bad expecting you to do something because I know you have your own shit but!!! I help you. I try so hard because I know youre struggling but im struggling too and im afraid that if something is happening then I might not even be good for me because I don’t know if youre really what I need or if youre just what I want but its so scary to think that maybe for once something like this could be happening for me but its not even going to end well like. Im so scared to get hurt and I feel so stupid for thinking that but. like what if something did happen and then one day you realize im not worth it. I think I would die. Like I hate this. how do people do this. this is fucking insane I just don’t get it. how are there people on this planet that are happy and in love and who grow old together when literally no one! no one in my life has ever experienced that. thats so fucking scary like. am I already cursed. am I just predisposed to ruin it all. but you seem good :( you seem so much better than them. you don’t seem like youd hurt me but im so scared that you will. if you even fucking like me! but I don’t think you do. you just grab my hand and lean on me but then you also move away so I don’t know! I don’t know if im doing something wrong or if im making you uncomfortable or if im reading the signs wrong. I wish youd say something again. even if it hurts me I just want some clarity. I just want some answers and youre giving me nothing. just please tell me if im being delusional again because this is driving me insane. say it. say it again. please say that you could never feel that way. because you know too much about me. because I don’t know how to keep my fucking mouth shut. I have no clue how to behave and I ruin fucking everything. I want to ask you so bad. I want you to tell me the truth but I don’t want to lose you. because if the answer is no and it makes you not want to speak to me again. I don’t know maybe thats for the best. because you have your own dreams and I have mine and I don’t know where my life is going and I feel like im just stuck here. I don’t know if I want to be a teacher anymore. I have no fucking clue what im doing but this feels like the right answer but I don’t know. I need to email my advisor.

u guys ........ i just ......... i just found my father's ,,,, *ahem* stash

Ive seen a lot of Dream (and usually Techno and Phil too) as gods au (i have one too dw) but all of you are sleeping on the funniest option.

Tommy is the god.

Tommy.

hes the only one in that galaxy (other than drista ofc)

Just imagine how fucking funny it is like 

it would be so fucking hilarious

and tommy just doesnt tell them

so techno is just there making all these blood god jokes and jokingly telling tommy to serve him and tommys just laughing

imagine a god in the form of a chaotic 16 year old racoon gremlin just walts into your land commits arson and gets banned, only to come back with another person who he helps start a nation for drugs?

imagine how fucking funny it is

just

imagine tubbo banning a literal god from his lands and he just doesnt come back? he just plays by the rules? then goes and like sits in the corner all sad because some humans/dreamons told him to leave

ranboo, just joining the server: hi-  a chaotic gremlin god: wanna commit arson with me?  ranboo, just trying to vibe and maybe not disturb this god: sure 

Phil and Ranboo recongnize Tommy as a god on sight.

Everyone else just refuses to believe it. hes Tommy. Tommyinnit. hes just weird lol

And Drista being a fucking chaotic blood god? 

drista is open about her godhood and does not hesitate to spawn blocks

Drista finds Dream and decides she likes this small human, and dream just has to deal with it lmao.

drista and tommy are both born at the same time.

Tommy is a god of music, chaos, war and theivery (the last one bc he is a BITCH)

Drista is the blood god, chaos, deception, and theatre

okay but imagine the sbi interactions... like ig in this au tommy joins at like 12/13 years of age (in their minds) so he doesnt really grow much 

and like tommy, a literal god, just claiming phil as his father???

phil, in his house making eggs, assuming one of his sons woke up and came to the kitchen, not looking: hey son  tommy, from their couch, already deciding hes phils son now: whats up dad? phil: looks up at tommy who are you tommy: idk dad, who am i  phil: *stares at tommy for a second* eh i made extra eggs you can stay 

ASJIDGASUIOG IMAGINE TOMMY TELLING THEM HES A GOD BUT THEY THINK HES JOKING AND IGNORE HIM

everyone on the server: tommy is the youngest! tommy, as old as the universe: no im not!!!! im not a child!!!! he doesnt pout because pouting is for children and hes not a child but hes pouting tubbo: lol im older than you by a month tommy dont try to hide it tommy: im not a child!!!! techno: laughs

tommy doesn't try to hide that hes a god just its tommy

thats all the evedince anyone needs to think tommy isnt a god or powerful its like mcc hes good but only when he doesnt throw for content

quackity: sees drista written in bedrock lmao drista visited? tommy: yeah! i wrote that for her!  quackity: snorts yeahhhh sureee tommy

imagine like how fucking funny it is jsut like 

a fucking chaotic god breaks into your house androbs you makes a room under your house and decides to live in your floorboards

imagine dream like trying to manipulate tommy, and tommy a fucking anchient diety immeditly recongnizes what hes doing

but decides to play along for the angst and giggles and then actually gets mad when no one fucking cares for his theatrics

tommy, storming off to technos base to rob and build under: >:///// cant believe none of them acknoledged my  deppression 

i love that tommy stills robs everyone, he doesnt need to he can spawn in anything he wants

he just does it for the sport of robbery

JAKOGFSDOH

THE HOLY LAND

dream: im god actually tommy: thats so fucking funny lets make a cult about that :)  dream: see! look! im god! and jesus!  tommy: wheezing

imagine tommy getting stressed and letting go of his mortal form

Tommy, his human form peeling away, showing his actual form a bit: WH̸͘A͠T̷ ̶̢T͞H͢E ̡͘F̴̵͘Ù̧C͜K҉ ̶T͘͜͞E͟CHǸ͏Ǫ  Techno: HAH?

tommy just saw tubbo and got emotionally attached

Tommy, a literal god: hello Tubbo: oh hi do you like my pet bee? Tommy: you’re mine now Tubbo: im okay with this

tommy, a bored god: gives techno shapeshifting powers  techno, not even caring: changes into more human to pig-ishg forms as he wishes this is my life now ig 

phil lets tommy do fuck all in exile bc he knows hes a god hes fine

phil: IDC IF YOURE A GOD! YOU WILL DO THE DISHES NOW YOUNG MAN! tommy: grumbles but does them

phil is the only one who can control tommy

god... tommy... with star freckles... on his human form... (as well as his god one)

tommy: f̷͛͠a̵̋t̵̒̑h̸̚e̶̓͝r̸͊ ̸̐̒i̴ ̸̅̿d̷̉͆o̵͂͋ ̵̛̆ñ̸̾ő̶́t̸̎́ w̶͆͘i̴͠s̵̓̈́h̸͗́ ̵̯͗f̶͋́ő̴͑r̷̐̌ ̶͝é̵̽g̸͊͂g̵̒s̷͂̃  phil: idc, eat your goddamn eggs tommy: pouts

tommy, despite being able to get supplies himself by fucking spawning them in: hey tubbo? we need supplies 

In this au ig like if a god claims you you get a mark on your skin showing that. Drista’s would be like a green crown, Tommys would be a red and white disk (white as the outer ring and red as the center) (its different enough that if you don’t realise tommy is a god you wouldnt realise whos it is) (schlatt is the only one who never had one which shoulda been a sign dude :/)

Dream has two from the beginning, everyone else has only one, well until they meet drista. (sbi have had one since they met tommy, though they dont remember the first time they met tommy)

wait what if tommy like found them all as children one by one and later kinda pulled some strings to get them all in one kingdom. (he still joined sbi through forcing phil to adopt him) 

OKAY BUT IMAGINE IF TOMMY MET TECHNO WHEN TECHNO WAS YOUNG ENOUGH TO NOT REMEMBER

tommy would hang out with baby techno and tell him stories

once he told him the story of a man named thesus

another time he told him the story of a blood god

like for example tommys first time meeting techno would be like

(for context techno lived in a shitty village and was an orphan and it was kinda a dog eat dog place, he learned how to be strong because of it)(he was young enough that he doesn’t remember this well, just like learning about the blood god and someone giving him gold)

baby techno: sighs tommy, appearing out of nowhere: oh heyyy whyre you sad? techno: jumps turning around with a knife up ready for a fight who are you tommy: im tommy! :) techno: what do you want from me! you dont scare me! tommy: whats your name! techno: i have a knife! i'll use it! tommy: of course, thats a given, but its rude not to tell people your name techno, confused: t-technoblade? tommy: smiles thats a nice name techno: so. tommy: hm? techno: why're you here tommy: i don't have a reason. im just a traveller! techno: then why hole to this terrible village! theres nothing nice here! everyone is terrible and so are you! tommy: hmmmm i dont agree techno: what are you? a child? i thought adults were supposed to know that everyone is mean tommy: mmhmm looks at the bruise on technos face where'd you get that? techno: fight. i won. i'll win against you too! so don't try anything. tommy: of course. i would never win in a fight against a blood god techno, putting down his knife a bit, stars in his eyes: blood god? tommy: grins blood. god. i think she'd like you. techno, muttering: maybe i can give the blood god some of your blood tommy: laughs yeah, she'd defenitly find you intresting tommy: here tosses techno a golden crown at techno, he spawned it in in the moment techno: whats this? tommy: a crown, thought it suit you screams in the distance tommy: huh. i need to go. have fun lil piglin. ruffles technos hair before running off towards the screaming unbeknownst to the pig the blood god was actually the one waiting for the god he met. techno: stares at the crown 

Techno found a pouch of gold in his ‘house’ later that day. he didnt know who left it but it helped him get food for that night. (he kept the crown)

okay but imagine tommy not taking the war seriously at all, and only seeing it as a squabble between mortals, Like toddlers fighting

dream: SURENDER BY TOMMOROW OR WE'LL DECLARE WAR! wilbur: FUCK YOU WE'LL NEVER SURENDER AND JOIN YOUR SMP! Tommy: how cute

tommy doesnt realise that theyre serious until wilbur dies

tommy would usually go apeshit against anyone who dares messes with his humans, but what is he supposed to do when his humans are fighting Eachother?

wilbur: fucking goes insane and dies  tommy: hey- hey can you guys let me talk to wil for a sec? everyone else leaves tommy, unsually somber: sorry i didnt help you i forgot how easily breakable mortals are tommy: this time you wont die, and i'll make it so that you dont break again, okay? tommy: brings wilburs soul out of its body and enters his mindscape ghostbur: wakes up what- where am i? tommy: hi there ghostbur: who are you tommy: i go by a lot of names all, one, you, the world, the universe, god, but you can just call me tommy ghostbur: oh okay. who am i? tommy: you're name was wilbur soot. you were the son of philza minecraft and brother to Technoblade, Tubbo and myself. ghostbur: was? tommy: well you see, you died. ghostbur: oh... well what am i then? tommy: a ghost! well actually its your choice. would you like to continue your existance or fade away with your body? ghostbur: i dont want to fade away! tommy: smiles thats what i thought you'd say stretches his hand to wilbur ghostbur: grabs tommy hand tommy: lets go home

ghostbur doesnt remember that though

he only remembers the good

tommy wont let him remember the bad, what if he breaks again? mortals are so fragile

phil realises what tommy did as soon as he sees ghostbur 

drista, painting tommys nails (there both in god form btw) (after wilburs death btw): tommy shouldn't you of all gods realise how fragile they are?  tommy: i know just... forgot  drista: sighs and nods i get what you mean, especially with the ones we found... they act a lot like gods sometimes i forgot they arent  tommy: ikr? wait- drista here gets drista's hair out of her face you were gonna get it on my nails, anyways, don't judge me. we all know if dream died you would turn him into a ghost too drista: smirks not if you do it first, we all know you would tommy: you say that as if you wouldn't fight me to do it first  drista: .... tommy: ... drista: both of us when he dies? tommy: nods tommy: anyways my turn to do your nails 

or like tommy with ghostbur like

ghostbur: i don't like this :( tommy, a worried brother and god: whats wrong? ghostbur: everyone is mad at me and i d-dont know why- why are they mad at me tommy: theyre mad at something alivebur did ghostbur: b-but im not alivebur sniffs it hurts. i dont like it. tommy: spawns in some blue here ghostbur: whats that? tommy: its some blue! it'll help you not hurt anymore! ghostbur: how does it work? tommy: see how its blue? ghostbur: nods tommy: well its blue because it sucks up all the bad feelings! it'll help ghostbur: !!!!! ghostbur: presses the blue into his chest ghostbur: !!!!its working!!!! :D tommy: smiles good

wilbur fucking died and tommy went from annoying little brother to caring older brother

tommy just wants to help his brother :) though he doesnt realise that not letting ghostbur remember bad memories isnt good

*at logsted shire btw* ghostbur: who are you? tommy, chuckling: did you forget me already ghostbur? ghostbur: i didnt forget you! i think! you're tommy! i just... you're different tommy, looks over at ghostbur: different how? ghostbur: you're not normal are you? tommy: grins whaaaaat? you think im weirdddd? how heartbreaking... my own brother thinks im weird, this is terrible ghostbur: giggles tommy: but really, don't worry about it bur. ghostbur: you sure? tommy: yeah, dont worry about me ghostbur: smiles okay! do you want some blue anyways? tommy: giggles sure! ghostbur: grins

ghostbur isnt worried about tommy

he knows hes strong

phil having to tell tommy that he cant just not let wilbur remember the bad memories

and tommys like "what if he breaks again!" and phil hugs him and tells him to at least ask ghostbur if he wants to remember and tommys like ‘fine’

tommy: hey bur? ghostbur: yeah? tommy: do you like you're memories? ghostbur: i mean, yeah its hard not to when you only remember the good tommy, quietly: would you want to remember the bad? ghostbur: w-what brought this question on tommy: answer the question ghostbur: no- alivebur was badi shouldn't want to- tommy: but what do you want bur? wilbur, silent for a moment: yeah- yeah i do. not that i like the bad memories! they hurt... but i wish i could remember tommy: ... ghostbur: hey tommy? tommy: yeah? ghostbur, with tears in his eyes: do you think they'd be less mad at me if i could remember, maybe then i could repair my relationships, what the hell am i supposed to do when i dont even remember hurting them? tommy: what if they dont? what if you break again? ghostbur, saltily: we'll maybe i'll be able at least be able to say i know why everyone hates me tommy: i know how to get all of your memories back ghostbur, looks towards tommy in shock: you do??? tommy: nods ghostbur, voice wavering: for how long tommy: since the beginning ghostbur: and you didnt tell me tommy: i did what i thought was best. i just didnt want you to hurt anymore. ghostbur, angrily: WELL THAT CLEARLY WORKED DIDNT IT? tommy: sorry wilbur, sometimes i forget how to handle humans ghostbur: what- tommy: sighs and taps ghostbur on the forehead and ghostbur does the ghost equivilent of passing out tommy: wont hide any memories this time

ghostbur doesnt wake up, instead wilbur wakes up weither thats good or bad we'll see

wilbur, waking up with all his memories: HOLY SHIT TOMMY WASN'T KIDDING phil, who was reading beside the bed tommy placed wilbur into, which was in technos house. yes he broke into technos house with a passed out wilbur. move on.: hm? wilbur: holy shit phil: huh? yeah. wilbur: wait you knew? phil: yeah i recongnized him as soon as i saw him about 5 years ago now? wilbur: excuse me while i freak out because my little brother is an actual god

it really hits wilbur that tommy is a god later

wilbur: hey tommy? tommy: yeah? wilbur: how fucking old are you? tommy: snorts of course thats the first thing you ask wilbur: well? tommy: i dont really know the exact years since years are kind of a human thing that were invented recently wilbur: they were invented thousands of years ago- tommy: but it was around the beginning of this galaxy wilbur, softly: what the fuck

tommy telling wilbur stories about different heros and villains and different humans he met during his life.

Adsjbffsg what if Tommy made himself blonde and blue eyed and white bc thats hyow the first human he met looked like asjfhsd

and just didnt change that, despite meeting new humans, its just his defult settings.

he would totally do this tho im crying.

drista just based her human form off dream because she is his sister now. he must deal with this. trying disowning me when i look like you BITCH.

thats my take anyways later might continue this

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

ramble abt my mental health feel free to ignore

tw for suicidal thoughts ig

disclaimer im ok and i havent done anything

idk how to put this idk why im writing this i just want to get it out there

i just feel miserable. every day feels painful i can barely bring myself to do anything and i just want to sleep but even thats hard cause then i have to be alone with my thoughts and ill just think about how much i fucking hate myself. there really is no one i hate more than me i cant stand the way that i am i wish i could take back every stupid thing i ever said or did. i feel like a burden to everyone and i cant do anything im not smart or interesting or talented. and lately i keep thinking about wanting to disappear or die. i cant stand my own presence i cant stand feeling this way. last night i looked up ways to do it. i didnt do anything. but its scary im scared i wouldnt do anything but i don’t know i feel like im jsut crying for attention. i hate myself and i cant stand being alone and i want to fall asleep forever

dont rb / rply

 god i jsut feel so fucking defeated, man, and i feel so alone and im so scared and done with it all and its . ... fucking christ i just want to fucking kill myself god bless i just. god. god god god god. im tired- like, im really tired -and im sick of just being so . fucking! much! of a failure! im sick of just being so fucking useless at everything and im sick of it im sick of trying at the most BASIC fucking shit comprehensible....

im sic k of fucking having to muster a whole weeks worth of energy just to get up, and perform the most basic fucking actions- and somehow STILL failing !!! whne im failing at everything ALREADY, and im failing at just . everything all of the time . and im sick of that i cant fucking cope with it i cant and im sick of it man im sic k of just being so drained and exhausted and sad and i just want to die i cant fucking take it i cant fucking take it and im fucking alone here  im just fucking crying in my room again and im sick of it always ending up like that, im sick of having to settle with th at and trying to make myself feel better having to force myself to swallow down some shitty satisfaction with everything thats making me fucking miserable when im fucking done as hell and i jsut. i dont kno i wish i was dead i just wish i was fucking gone  i cant take it man i cant fucking take it

Today has been a very stressful day, so guess wtf time it is? Drunk Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. Here is what I soberly remember of the movie (I have not watched it since BD2 came out): 

1. There’s a wedding.

2. There’s a honeymoon.

3. There’s swimming in the ocean.

4. There’s an accidental pregnancy.

5. The baby almost kills Bella.

6. The canon incident that we all hate happens.

7. The Volturi evilly laugh. 

Same as Eclipse, my drunken narration of the movie will be below the break.

A brief intro statement, I was 100% sober and just beginning to drink at the beginning of the Eclipse post and progressively got more drunk. For BD1, I’m throwing back before I even start watching this shit show.

- I love the effects of the intro. it’s very calming. THe putting away childish things quote is literally a Bible verse. I hate that Stpehen appropriated Quileute culture, Christian culture, and every culture. I know she’s mormon but sitll. THis shit feels real appropriated.

- Idk why rennee is all happy. she never gave a shit before.

- OMG ALICE TEHCING BELLA TO WALK IN HEELS IS THE CUTEST ICRY.

- carlisle carryign the bench is literally the hottest hting i’ve ever seen fck

- lowkey kinda creeprd out because she’s literally sacrificing her humanity to marry this deud she’s known for like a year but everyone other than jacob is super supportive

- damn she’s looking @ this dreamcatcher and it’s making me sad but tbh that shit probably caused half her nightmares because she’s not native so sleep paralysis (if you know you know).

- DAMN EDWAD RELALY JUST ADMITTED HE’S BEEN A VIRGING FOR OVER 100 YEARS WHAT AB RAVE MAN WE STAN

- BUT FOR REAL WHY IS NO ONE FREAKING TF OUT THAT SHE’S LITERALLY BEGGING TO DIE FOR THIUS DUE?

- he just todl her hes killed people and explained it and it didn’t work she’s still down to clown with this vapire emo boi

- HOW HE’S SMILTING @ HR WTF I AM SO ALONEEEE

- i just wama ne im loved amd ne loved in retun plz

- this dream sequence is awful also fck the volturi is til hate that they never overthrew that crabbyass monarchy bullshit they were powerful enough

- i just wanna be like rosalie when i greow up

- charlie knew shit was off when he saw those crapsk 

- why the HELL is renen actin liks she cares? bitch go the fuck back home

- jessica is the only one with any damn common sense in this whole series talking about they’re too fucking young for this shitt bitch true and itm akes sene now why she was the valedictioajrn 

- SLEEPING AT LAST IS THT GROUP IDK IF YALL HAVE HEARD ANY OF HTEIR OTHER STUFF BUT THEY’RE AMAIZNG AND I USED TO CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP # THAT SHIT

- damn id’ be fuckign panicking too your lfie is over hoe 

- stpeheen sto pwiht your racist ass smiling its offensive

- CHARLIE FUCKING DEWEVRE BETTER SOMEONE LOVE HIM PLEASR

- this wedding is gorgoeus though i live for hte fuckj g aestiec 

- OH MY GORD THE PROM SONGGGGGGGG  FCK ME RIGHT IN THE EMO 

- IT JUST HIT ME WHN THEY WRE LOOKI  @ EACH OTHERS EYES THIS BTCH REALLY MARYING AN UNDRSF VAMPIRE HOE this shit is horryighn why was i not scare?

- carlisle is the love of y life

- sth is a lil ray of sunishen 

- i just reaized howd fucked it is that sue and chalrie are starng to catch feelz ut sue knows his daughter is funckugn off with a unded vamp emo iboi

- OMG I FCUKING HATE STEPHENE RACIST ASS I LEGIT MADE AP OST EARLIER SYAING LAURENT WANTED TO DO THE RIGHT THING ANDWOUVLEBE BEND A VEGETATIAN BITCH AND IRENEA CONFIRMED FCK THIS SHIT IM OUT ANG ANGRY

- charlie is gget ing drunk as hell my spiritn animel

- jesica is smart and beautiful she needs t os stop being jealous and petty know ya wotht girlie you got itl

- I SWEAR WHEN IGET MARRIED OSMEDAY IF ANYONE GIVES A SPEECH LIKE THIS I WILL PERSONALLY DRAGT HER ASS OUT.

- edwar lves her so much fck im all alone\

- how haoph hacob is when they hig i hate canonn they were best friends fc,

- jacob stay the fck outta her sex life she;s been wanting this for ad dman year fkc steohe let them jsut befriend

- steh is so swert but e is a chidl fck the is reacist plot bulshit

- CHARLIE DESEVRD BETTR FCK THIS PLOT FOR REAL I HAE CANON

- bela looks os ad she knows it’s goodbye but edward’s family is all smiling because they have her now hwat fthe ckc

- jac0bs cryng my heart brke

- i love bineg dunk 

- the scene isn rio is my faorite isn any of the movies eveyrhting looks warm and happy

- this bich can drive ab oat too damn he can just fod evryhin cant he

- CARLISLE BOUGHT A WHOEL DAMN ISALND FOR HIS WIFE AND I CANT ECVE GET A TEXT BACK? 

- deis this honeymon scene make anuone else unconmfy becuae same

- marying a vampire would be horrying af but also hot af and good af becuase htye oculd love so much and protect you from everythign fck 1-/10 woukd efeel safe

- bwll gaving a panic attakc ism e anyt tinme i try talking to an attractive man

- slepeign at last fckign ti up agin bit ch theis m yshit 

- when he said it was the best night i cred 

- tstoehe added the chess game like this shit is a hoje but i would love to play chess on my honemodn idk how uut  i want a man to each me but not mansplin

- WHY THE FUCJ AR THEY SO CTE ON THIS AMN HONEYMOON?

- i know i sadn it was horryig but i want a hotass vamp emo boi husband plas 

- damn jacob is being too emo she aint really gonan be ded for ever youll see her agianb itch

- ‘CULLENS ARE NOT A DNAGER TO THE TOWN OR TRUBE” BITCH IB EG TO FUCKIN DIFFER THIS SHIT BIOLOGICAL WARDARE RACIST ASS STPEHEN WRITING THIS FUCKING BULLTSIT

- ‘NONE OF THEM BELONG TO THEMSEVLES ANYGMROE” - SOMEONE SAID IT BITCH THSI SHIT IS FUCKRE IP

- i fucking hates these vamp racist bitches but i want a nonracist va,p husband bitch thus hot afck

- how tf does she not know shes rpegr yet eatin this weid ass shit?

- THESE FKERS BEEN AROUND FOR CENTURIES TLAKING BOU IDK IF ITS VEEN POSSIBEL BTICH YU SHOULD FUCKUGN KNO BY NOW

- ROVERT SPOEAKIN G PORTGUEVE IS SO KING ATRACTIV

- poor bella her life chaned so uqick and she[s soc scared fck dcnaon

- POOR CHARLIE I HATE THIS HE DESERVES TO BE LOVED AND TURTH TOLD

- ROSALEI IS THE EST 

- “YOU LOOK TERRBLE’ THIS IS THE FRIENDHSOP WE WANT WHYT THE FCK DOES FOPSTHE RUIN EALL THIS SHIT

- CARLISE IS FUNCIGJ HOT

- LIRALY BITCH I JUST WNAT A PURE FIRENDHSIP WUTH JACOB AND BELLA ITS WHAT THEY DESERVE FJC CAON

 - this montage is turopy a f when youre drunk waht the helc por jake thugh

- im sorry but i;n laughign my ass off at these fuckugn wolf vocie overs lmaoooo this shit hilarious

- SETH HAS SUCH A PURE HEART WHTY TF DID SPTEHEH RUIB HUS FUCJING CHILDHOOD BULTHIST

- WHY IS EVEYRIJE BSUCG AFUCKUGN BUTCG TO LEAH???? SHE DESEVRED THE FUCKING WORLD STPEHEN IS A RACISHT BITCHHHHHH

- calisbe is fos unicngn hot

- i just reaized robert is like the best fuckugn actor like this diolaguge is wha k as fuck btu he’s acitng all emo boi oscar worhty shti

- they realy had her fuckin drink blodo i hate cannjnonnn

- ifelel the same as kaje watchign this 

- but carlisle’s prety face made it all fuckig hetter

- FUCKRT HIS SHTI CHARLIE DESERVED BETTER HE’S THE BEST DAD FCK CANO NFUCK STEPRHNE 

- okay ut id is cute as fkc whe nedward hears the baby 

- esme and calrisle wilougn to risk their lives for bella i cryi

- fkc i really do hate cnaon because jake is acting liek an adult now and trying to do the honrble thig bue he should be a hpaoy chidl 

-  resnemsien is a ficking ridjcils name and we all fuckj nnew

- i ahte this part i’n bot even wathcing this shit rgros me rout 

- WHY THDID FUCK DID THIS BITCH HAVE A FUKCUNG SYRINGE OG VENOM LAYING AORUND? HOE!?!?!

- literlaiy fuick the dynamics of this whole moty hfknfucjg storyline plot bitch

- LEAH AND STHE DESERVERD BETTER

- SO DID JACOB

- SO DID ALL THE WOLFPAKC STPEHEN IS A RACIST AS SHOE

- aw hell here the fucks we hgo with theu ickgn im************** bulshit i ghate cnaojn canon can suck ad ick

- YES BILLY DEFEND YOUR CHIDL 

- rosalie is literally perfect when cnai b ehr 

- im real glad im drunk rin now because ioculd nto sit throguh this shit sober

- imp&******* is the worst plotline fkc]

- bit iamgiben falling alseo lookin gsick and waking up fhot as uck goals

- this sogn making me cry literlalu imcruing ims o alone lmao

- rheye really ended htoe move wirh red eyws lmaoooo

- hodl the fick up a damn minute stpeehebn producre htis cufkcng shit?

- now heres the hoes iv’ve been waiting on burnt the monarch fuckwits i hate thes epompis fuckers

- OVERTURBR THESE FUCKSERS THEY HAVE TIOO MUCH POWR 

CARLISR COULD FUCKING D OI T I HATE CNAON BRING THE VAMPIRE DECONOARCY

- OOHG BRUNNO MARS BRINGNG THE FUCKING SIMPSSHOES ANTHM I NEEDLOVE IT

like! list goes on like

i have issues with how i see myself

i think i have a gross body 

im afraid of the idea of kissing another person for god knows what reason

im afraid of what if sex wont be something i enjoy or be able to do without breaking down

even the idea of calling someone pet names or saying i love you makes me scared because i just

think about how gross looking i am and how gross it be to have to look at me saying or doing any of these things

and then wondering if im making myself want these things and im actually just not built to ever do these things and if im meant to just be on my own

or if these are things i fear now and might be able to work out

but i cAnt work it out unless i do it or try

but it freaks me out so much

so i guess ill die

idk man

IDonT fucking know it makes me feel like a pile or trash and so mad at myself

i have no idea if any of this is normal or if im understanding myself corrctly

i dONT understand fucking anything

i hate being a fuckign dumbass who cant even understand how im feeling

because in the end i say all this shit but IDK if this is what i even actually feEl

maybe im jsut saing this shit!!

maybe im just sayin bullshit! i lITERALLY DONT KNOW

*takes a long drag of my cigarette*

lets talk abt indy and his ex bf just to be sad

im thinking abt their dynamic and shit like that. how he broke his walls. what they were like together. what happened when he done died :’) lets jsut fkin rip indy’s heart out

oKAY. so. they met in the early days on indy being on the streets. probably just after ?? he started selling himself and shit. this indy was like,,, even more defensive and reluctant to let ppl in than like nowadays indy. mostly bc he was like,, scared. he was fresh on the streets and he was a scared baby and the person who was supposed to look after him had just kicked him out, left him to die essentially. so when he met the dude. idk his name yet im tossing up between tim/timothy and perseus/percy. indy was quite reluctant to let him in or get close to him. typical tsun was rlly harsh and would alsh out and shit. but the guy. i like percy tbh lets go with percy. anyway, percy always just laughed off his insults and lashing out. indy would go off at him and he’d jsut be like “ hahaha lol ur so cute :’)’ and give him lil head ruffles. so eventually they kinda became friends. it was kind of easier for percy to become close with indy bc they were both on the streets in similar ish circumstances so indy found it a bit easier to trust him. 

they really looked out for each other, and basically lived together, they did everything together aside from their work ofc. which luckily matched up since they both worked a lot at night. percy was very much more of an idealist than indy was or ever has been. they’d sit together all huddled up with what little they had and indy would listen to percy talk about all his gran plans. he’d talk about who they were gonna make it out of there, how they’d make it big, who percy would take him and get him off the streets, percy would provide for him ad they’d be able to live a good life together, they’d only ever need each other. indy always had his doubts, more of a realist/pessimist. but he didn’t voice them, bc it was nice just to hear percy dream. and young and naive as indy was sometimes he really believed him, or at least hoped that they’d get there one day. 

at first during their relationship indy probably didn’t know percy was selling drugs, or maybe he started selling after they got together. and that was probably their first real proper fight. indy was not happy with him doing that bc he thought it was too dangerous and shit and also he didnt want percy to do the drugs either like. just a bad idea all around. but percy thought it was a good way to make good money, he’d work his way up until he was in a good position and earning big bucks. anyway he convinced indy it was all a okay so indy reluctantly put up with it. 

they were together for a long time i think. idk how many months or years bc logistics and i cant be bothered figuring it out. 

until :’) one day. the dumb bitch got dead. 

anyway so basically the gang or whoever he was selling for were the ppl that murdered him. percy was always thinking and dreaming big. he was pretty cunning and a schemer, he was a pretty good con man honestly. bUt he was far too big for his boots, he wasn’t patient enough and although he could come up with these grand schemes he was pretty risky with them. he was kinda too smart for his own good, but also far too young and naive. one of his grand schemes got him into trouble with the gang. and he was no where near high enough in the ranks to matter so they got rid of him like it was nothing. 

Indy found him :’) dead and gone. shot. and safe to say it fucking broke him. more than being kicked out my his father, more than all the shitty things he was forced to do, more than even his mother dying, considering he doesnt remember her or that time much. percy was his fucking lifeline. the only thing that got him through the day. percy kept him sane. it was just,,, a devastating blow to indy that took him a long ass time to get over. he probably has never fully recovered?? he was just so. so mad. so mad and upset and just broken.