total drama design a woman i don’t want to look like challenge (impossible)

I cannot perceive sokka as being cis after I read one of your posts abt him being dykey and playing gender chess?? It just makes so much sense in my head, for me sokka sees being a man as a duty of sorts because he wants to protect others

right like sokka internalizes patriarchal logic but is also able to detach bioessentialism from that logic no problem the second he puts on the kyoshi warrior outfit and realizes how good it feels…. like his relationship to gender is actually so difficult to define because on one hand he views men and women as ontologically equal very early on into the show, but on the other hand he still believes that it is his duty to perform a certain role, and he doesn’t really understand how that role is harmful or incorrect because he stakes it so entirely to his identity and, indeed, his raison d’être.

so sokka performs Manhood insofar as he associates it with being a protector and a provider, but that’s also kind of complicated by the knowledge that his idealized identity is also so closely staked to his desire to martyr himself like kya did. or like yue did. he wants to a protector and provider and warrior but that model is largely founded (concretely at least, not just within his imagination) on examples of the women and girls in his life. whereas he desperately attempts to live up to this vision hakoda provides him of manhood (“knowing where you’re needed the most”) but the irony there of course is that hakoda is gone. sokka is attempting to fill an absence but is also actively modeling his ideal embodiment off of the legacies of women.

so on hand he’s enmeshed in these patriarchal ideals of what it means to navigate a war, but he is also actively learning from women how to fight and die for your people. and one of the first things we see sokka actively realize is that women can embody that same role he has idealized his entire life, and he can embody “womanhood” and take pride and personal satisfaction in that (even if others don’t fully understand it). but that also isn’t to say that i think sokka is just straight up transfem (although im not against that reading either), but rather that his relationship to gender would be something he approaches pragmatically and conditionally because he sees it as a tool rather than a key piece of his identity.

the fact that he was “born a boy” and had to be “the last man” of his village and take on those specific roles all by himself is such a deep injustice (even if, as katara somewhat rightfully points out, it also afforded him a certain privilege) and even though he quickly understands those designations are arbitrary, he can’t just let go of how that role shapes his identity either, especially because he is actually needed to provide for and protect and fight, and he can’t just dismiss those roles as being purely trivial and constructed either. there is a need for people who can do those things, which is why the roles exist in the first place, and why they’re so valorized (especially during wartime).

but if he ever actually bothers to look inward (lol, as if) for even a single second, he’d probably realize that even if he takes pride in inhabiting those roles, he no longer feels as if it is something that is directly staked to his “manhood.” because he knows from people like suki that there isn’t a logical correlation. and so his gender is something he feels no personal attachment towards, but is rather externally constructed, a matter of social perception. and perhaps someone who is less resistant to exploring their own internal world would also come to realize that their gender nonconformity constitutes an “identity” in its own right, but i don’t think sokka is that thoughtful when it comes to who he is or how he identifies.

if anything suki is the one who bestows him dykehood and dictates the terms of his gender, and he’s just like “yeah that sounds right i guess.” because like, he’s definitely not cis. but does he know that?? unclear.

When i was almost entierly friendless and lost in myself,lesbians and trans women gave me their friendship in the form of kind words,support,defending me,making things for me they knew i'd love,fun hangouts and did and have done nothing but make me love myself in my transmasculine and nonbinary/bigender girlhood even when i don't know them and are the type of woman i relate the most to like i do my fellow black women and i'm now dating a trans woman who was my best friend for a long time and stuck by me through stick and thin and i love them-they are pre op and e and have specifically asked for they/them until they can start their transition-with my entire heart,soul and life because they were exactly the person,the kinda girl i could've used in my life as a bullied autistic tomboy that was getting fucked up without even knowing it and i deeply admire my lesbian friends femme and butch alike for their amazing gender expression and how beautiful their love is and they've said the same about me

Lesbians and transfems are not hateful.They're wonderful people who're full of so much love and just because with the exception of my girlfriend that love's not romantic that dosen't make it any less valuable and you 'interfighting is stupid,we're supposed to be having t4t sex!!!' niggas need to lower your borderning on sexual harrassing voices because you sound like creepy douchebags and like conservatives too when you rag on 'f*mboys',a tma slur to begin with,for being too feminine and kiddy and cringe or whatever rethoric you haven't unlearned.If a lesbian or a trans girl dosen't like you,there's a very high chance you did something to provoke them or him or her or xem or [insert the neopronoun that will piss you off the most here]and you might've done it on purpose.The patriarchy dosen't stop at cishets and it's worth noting that pretty much all my trans guy friends are somewhere on the nonbinary spectrum.Don't be talkin' bout lesbians and tgirls being too harsh on men and having 'male experiences to analyze' at all actually,because you're implying a lot that never applies

If you want to be as much of a man as cis men,then you be prepared for the fact that you're as capable as misogyny as them,ESPECIALLY if you're cis passing and i never will be because i'm so femme presenting and naturally adrogynous looking thanks to being black/white that i find my looks perfect for my gender and i'm still a man just as i am a woman.Lesbians don't have fuck men to be 'real allies' and you can't make them the bad guy for not wanting men if you get to the good guy for not wanting to be near girlhood at all and unless they wish to be identified as such by multigenderhood or another factor,trans women have every right to not want to be lumped in with men or lack of gender at all.Intersectionality is very important.In all aspects.Not just when it might benefit you.Be serious just silly goofy little guys,you haven't been funny since you started that shit and i'm going to strap you to a Looney Tunes car unless you stop telling lesbians to stop defining themselves by not loving men and bullying tgirls for loving being girls.Those are my best friends and my girlfriend and my friends' friends you're harrasing you ungrateful cunts

Something I think we should acknowledge about transfem Usopp:

Sanji falling in love with Usopp and the usual “What!? I’m in love with a man?! But I can’t be gay what is this I only like ladies!!” Internal BS going on and then Usopp comes out and Sanjis just “… Oh! That explains it. Maybe I knew before she did. That’s it! Maybe her inner… womanlyness always shined trough and I just picked up on that! I think that’s how that works? That’s probably how that works! Not gay tough yay!”

It’s gonna take her a while to realize that, yes, Sanji yes, you are in fact, still really gay, just in the opposite direction. Don’t worry girl you’ll figure it out

(Or Bi. Someone please explain to Sanji that both is a valuable option and yes it still counts even if it’s not split fifty / fifty. No Sanji pan also doesn’t mean you want to jump everyone regardless of looks you can have preferences Sanji even if it’s like 95 percent the “opposite” sex and 5 percent “same sex” it’s still queer as hell it’s okay Sanji just PLEASE)

((…. Also would Sanji be the type of person who thinks about wether they identify as Bi or Pan only for pan to slightly win out just because Sanji sees the opportunity for a cooking joke and decides they need to take it?))

"Maybe her inner… womanlyness always shined trough" is the most Sanji excuse to being extremely gay in every way and I love this. Thanks.

Sanji is really gay and really trans and really bi. Love her to death.

I think Sanji would use the Bi label bc of the preference but the pan jokes concept is so fucking hilarious lmfao- But nah she would refuse to say she likes men the same way she likes women. She likes the 100% of women and the 1% of men and her bisexuality is a 98% love for women and a 2% tolerance for men (or that's what she says bc it actually is probably 70/30 but okay. She would never admit this).

Hello may i ask why you are against the transfem vil hc but isn't agaisnt the genderfluid & bigender one? /genq

ok this will be a bit long cuz like even though ive answered tis before, i don't think i have given an answer that expressed myself as good as this one

it's because i understand the bigender / genderfluid hcs, in all honesty they make sense, i could def see vil as not being cis, plus, they r only be adding rep to ppl. there's no problem w the genderfluid or bigender hc because it's easy to see someone who is agaisnt gender roles to be trans and it's easy to see vil as someone who identifies with more than one gender

however, the transfem hc is bad because it goes AGAINST vil's character.

had vil not been a character that explicitly says he despises gender roles and even gets angry at the mention of dance moves being "too feminine" for a man to make by epel, there wouldn't be any problem w it, because it makes sense to see a character that presents in a feminine way as a trans woman just as much as it does to see them as just a cis dude who likes to dress feminine. but the whole point with vil's character is that he dislikes and refuses to follow gender roles, hence why he wears makeup, uses dresses, heels and acts in a way many consider feminine, because he wants to fight back the mindset that men need to be masculine and women need to be feminine. the transfem vil hc goes against that because it takes vil, a character that is constantly mentioned to be a man that fights the way society views men, and says "he's actually a woman" all because of the way he acts. do you get it? it's pushing gender roles in the one character in twst that explicitly hates it, it's literally doing what he has been fighting through his career. in the jp game vil calls himself by a gender neutral term, one that is commonly used by women, because he doesn't believe there is such a thing that is "exclusively for women" in the eng, the way they translated was by making him call himself a queen, that is a term made for women but that now days you see being used as a gender neutral term, it doesn't make sense to use those two things as "transfem coding" because literally a quick research on vil's character will show you that he used such terms BECAUSE he is a man and uses them as an attack to the gender roles. if vil WERE to be a trans woman, she would act masculine instead, call herself a king and use terms like handsome, because by following the logic, despite the way he identifies and was born as, he'd still hate gender roles and would fight them, especially because people think that transfem/transwomen HAVE to be feminine, and the ones that aren't get invalidated and hated on a lot of times by their OWN COMMUNITY. the transfem vil hc just simply doesn't make any sense at all and it was made to push gender roles onto a character that was made to break them, furthermore ppl that hc this r like normally super fucking annoying and keep pushing it as canon as if they played through all of vil's stories with their eyes closed and didn't actually take anything he said in.

the hc is problematic to both transmasc and transfem people, especially to those who are gnc, who barely get any rep and ate constantly attacked, ppl don't seem to understand this but this type of hc it follows the made up rules bigots made for genders= men have to masculine otherwise they're not real men, women have to be feminine otherwise they're not real women

when you point out such things ppl will bring up literally anything they can and even accuse you of being transphobic whole supporting a transphobic hc themselves. people don't seem to understand the importance of gender non conforming characters but as someone that is a trans man that doesn't care about how ppl think a trans man should act or look, ive gotten invalidated and harassed because of it, sometimes even by people that are also from the trans community and it hurts, you think you've found your place, a community that will accept you, and then simply because you refuse to follow made up rules, suddenly you're not welcome there anymore, and i know im not the only one who shares such a sentiment because ive seen multiple other ppl abt how hcs like this make them dysphoric (just like me) because they relate to the character and find them to be a safe space and to be comforting because they see themselves in them, so having them be pushes into the rules of society reminds them of what happens to them and it hurts them.

to finish this off; transfem vil hc makes me genuinely dysphoric and brings me bad memories + ive literally been attacked and called the T SLUR by one of the ppl that hc that so i def don't want any ties to that community. meanwhile the genderfluid/bigender/etc hc don't interfere with his character at all and it actually make sense for his character

hey not rly a question just saying i appreciate your 2cents on things generally. i am a gnc transfem but am really a boy more than anything so someone looking out for those of us who arent palettably feminine is rly cool of you. a lot of the stuff you mentioned in your long post just now hits at some of the stuff thats making me feel uneasy around some of my transfem friends. i fear if i was fully myself i wouldnt be accepted. i hate to feel too queer for fellow queers, but. but yea anyway most of the time ive known i was trans most of my friends had actually been trans guys so when i hear this anti transmasc rhetoric going around it makes me rly uncomfortable im sick of the idea that trans guys have it easy. its not true and not fair do you fear being not accepted by others like you too? is this normal? idk. i didnt feel this when i came out 5 years ago this is new to me

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with that, and I can relate. Essentially I came out as a binary trans person a decade ago and raced to transition as quickly as possible (it was not fast, it was slow and frustrating) and when I finally got there then I had to endure Gender Crisis 2 where I realized I wasn’t this binary gender either.

It was very difficult to sort out. Did I just not feel special enough as Gender 2? Was I faking this whole time and was really just cis? Was I detransitioning? It took a lot to figure out what I wanted, how I wanted to be seen, and to grapple with the idea that it will continue to fluctuate.

I am masc but do not consider myself a man. Boy, maybe. Do I see myself as a woman? Also no. Girl, maybe. But a masculine girl. I think my boyness is more feminine than my girlness…but still both…butch.

I am trans but not a trans woman or a trans man. While figuring myself out in round two I flirted with transmasc/transfemme as labels, but neither fit better than the other. Or maybe neither fit. I know some use transfemmemasc but idk that I like it for me. I use trans women’s shaving tips. I use trans men’s voice training tips. There are members of both camps who wouldn’t consider me one of them.

I currently work a full-time job. I cannot present or fluctuate in my presentation when I want to. We have gendered locker rooms, gendered bathrooms, my ID badge has a photo that doesn’t look like me. I think a lot about that post that’s like “I might be nonbinary but I have a job so I can’t worry about that right now.” Only, I already know I am nonbinary. I’ve already been out to a lot of people IRL. How do you put that cat back in the bag? Can you? If I was allowed to present how I want now and everyone was cool…will they still be understanding when it swings back the other way? I don’t want that sort of pressure at work.

I am lucky I have a partner who understands and likes my presentation—and spectrum of it. I have trans friends who understand or try to understand, and genderweird friends who get it. It is a bit isolating—how everything is split into one camp or another. Things I supposedly couldn’t relate to I do, things I am not meant to have experienced (or acknowledge I experience) are not welcome topics in trans discourse.

It is difficult! There are huge Boy v Girl (but make it progressive) pissing contests on tumblr and it’s very irritating how deep the anger goes. Carve room for yourself and you’re accused of belonging to the other camp, as if it really even is ‘the other’ camp, it’s the same fucking camp.

I started to identify with the word butch only in the last few years, and because my gender exploration had taken me back to the trans folks of yore. They were brash and bold and contradictory and I liked that! It made me yearn for vague labels and defiant privacy while also being unabashedly authentic! Then I learned that it still exists. It’s small, and got pushed to the fringes, sure. But I’ve only had access to the books and zines and tales of the genderweird from the internet, and to hear it resonate with so many others proves to me we’re still out there.

It’s very tough to want to be true to yourself when there is a constant pressure to conform to something. It’s doubly tough when that pressure comes from other trans people. But finding more and more people who live this way and feel this way makes me feel surer in my choice to just loudly be what I am, fuck the rest, whenever I can.

I cannot always look how I want or be seen how I want, so the spaces where I do have control I refuse to be anything other than what I am 110%

I really hope you can find more and more space that lets you exist in the grey. I hope your friends become more accepting. In the meantime and hopefully continuously in tandem—you are not alone in this experience and others out there understand what it’s like. ❤️

idk if anyone remembers this, but there was a time 6+ years ago where people very outright claimed that all trans people afab are transmasculine and all trans people amab are transfeminine. you can still find this on old social media or old info material about trans people.

the idea behind this was that while all trans people amab are transfeminine, only some are trans women and transfeminine is mainly used by people wanting to escape the gender binary. the same thing applies to transmasculinity. they used these terms to describe the direction of someone's medical transition without naming a binary gender. except this approach was still binary.

they thought they were being inclusive by saying "well, if you're not a man/woman, then you have to be at least masculine/feminine".

one of the first info materials i found in a trans group in 2017 used these definitions and it felt utterly uncomfortable. while i did consider myself vaguely masc for a hot second after coming out, the term transmasculine never felt right. but i saw this document as a baby trans, calling everyone like me transmasculine and then going on to talk about how transmasculinity means that you take testosterone and/or have surgery without being a trans man.

there was no space for people who went on T/took surgery and didn't identify as transmasculine. there was no space for transmasculine people who didn't want to medically transition. there was no space for nonbinary people who were neither transmasculine nor wanted to medically transition.

and while people don't say stuff like "all trans people amab are transfeminine" or "trans femininity means medically transitioning in this way", that's still how these terms are used

all.

the.

time.

like, cool. you changed the wording a bit. but the sentiment is still there.

i still see people talk about transfems only in posts about vaginoplasty. i still see people talk about transmascs only when discussing testosterone. i still see people say transfems for things that pretty much affect all trans people amab and more. i still see people say transmascs for oppression that pretty much affects all trans people afab and more. (newsflash: misgendering people/expecting people to misgender themselves in order to be allowed to speak about a kind of oppression they share with trans men and transmascs is oppression in and of itself, but i give in and stay out of that horrendous exorsexist discourse.)

the terms transmasculine and transfeminine barely existed before 2010 and queer as cat already made a video about those terms and their messed up use TEN years ago. and i gotta say, not much has changed.

it looks like 2013/14 is when these terms really picked up, which is when truscum were extra loud and it also seems to be when nonbinary people gained more visibility.

but those terms clearly weren't all that inclusive even by 2013 standards if there have already been nonbinary people pointing out the weird ways in which they were used.

the origin of these terms is really dodgy, based on truscum ideas about medical transition and putting nonbinary people in boxes that are adjacent to men and women, but they're not men and women so we can't complain, right? the origin of these terms is basically what truscums are saying all the time: "we only accept nonbinary people if they experience body dysphoria/transition medically/are masculine/feminine enough".

i'm happy to see that the definitions of transmasculine and transfeminine have changed, or moreso that there isn't a clear definition of either anymore. i'm happy to see transmascs and transfems be transmasc and transfem in nonconforming ways.

but i also wish that more people were aware of these origins and wouldn't basically continue using the terms that way without thinking about it for 2 seconds.

transmasc and transfem are useful labels to many people which is a good thing, but there are simply too many people portraying them as the only two options (which lines up with the idea that all trans people afab are transmasc and vice versa). i've recently literally seen a blog that said they were "transmasc safe, transfem safe and intersex safe". absolutely wild. there are also too many people equating transition steps with being transmasc or transfem. newsflash, not everyone who goes on oestrogen is transfem and not everyone who binds their chest is transmasc.

the way these terms are used barely changed in the last 10 years, it's still as fucked up now as it was back then.

transmasc and transfem could be (and already are for many people) incredibly powerful self-descriptors if they weren't constantly used to misgender and binarise nonbinary people and transition steps.

transmasc and transfem aren't coherent categories of experience, there are many people with the same experiences who don't identify as either. continuing to use them as collective terms rather than personal identifiers does nothing but erase, misgender and silence nonbinary people who are neither.

hm i know this is a simplification but i have less letters so. i feel like the transandro discussion is a little too eager to gloss over truscum? like if fem/nonpassing transmascs talk abt the hurt they've experienced from the rest of the transmasc community we're "dividing the community" or "generalizing masc transmascs as truscum" & i don't know. it feels rough to hear constant calls for solidarity when we haven't received solidarity for decades

I have... a few thoughts here. and my brain is pudding because I've been doing grad school and teaching 8 hours a day for the last two weeks, so I apologize for any tonal issues, but please know I am trying to convey compassion and a desire for connection above all else.

okay.

First: "masc transmascs" are also targets of transmedicalism if and when we do not experience the Right Amount Of Dysphoria, the right "symptoms", etc. It's a complex issue, and I do think truscum often assume I'm likely to be On Their Side based exclusively on the fact that I sometimes say, on the internet, on a fully anonymous platform and blog, that I am generally masc.

I also could not identify dysphoria in myself at all for years, and I don't really try or care to pass now. I make my decisions based on how I want to look. That happens to align with things that make me pass a lot of the time, but it's certainly not always- particularly among people who know what trans men are.

Point being that I was a direct target of truscum ideology for a long time, and I still am any time I openly talk about my feelings around dysphoria, passing, and what gender actually is.

Second: Truscum are not even entirely masc transmascs; there are transfem folks in that group (Blaire White??), and there are far more cis people feeding into that ideology than there are trans people. Ultimately, truscum ideology is not for masc transmascs; it's not even for dysphoric trans people. It doesn't benefit any of us. It only serves systemic transphobia and cissexism.

Not to mention- "masc transmasc" does not necessarily mean "dysphoric". Gender euphoria is an extremely important part of the conversation, and it's something all kinds of trans people experience!

Third: calling for solidarity is not the same as calling for universal forgiveness and acceptance of every single person within a demographic. Solidarity means recognizing that you are, at the end of the day, on the same team.

Masc transmascs are not your enemy. Masc transmascs, as a group, are not at fault for what has been done to you. Truscum are; and many of the victims suffering alongside you are masc transmascs.

When you tell those people that they are part of the problem too, that they are at fault too, and that they must repent for the crimes of the people who victimized them like they victimized you, you aren't doing anything but hurting and isolating more victims.

Fourth: "Transandrophobia" is for you, too. The word is yours. The oppression you face for being a fem and/or non-passing transmascs is a form of transandrophobia; as is the oppression masc transmascs face for being masc transmascs. It's the same system. It's a word for all of us.

Here's what it comes down to:

Masc transmascs are not victimizing you- truscum are.

Truscum are not oppressed for being truscum- but transmascs are oppressed for being transmasc.

You are oppressed for being transmasc.

The word is for you.

We can deal with the issue of truscum, recognize the harm that has been done by them, and work to repair our community- and all of that is solidarity. None of it stands in the way of recognizing the oppression all of us face, or the experiences all of us share.

But if you want to dig your heels in and wait for truscum to stop existing and for every single masc transmasc- regardless of their participation in or victimization by that group- to repent for the existence of truscum (a group who is also not entirely transmasc to begin with), before you ever recognize the oppression we all suffer, that's your prerogative.

But it's not the way forward.

So, are you trying to say being a man is inherently morally wrong? How would you justify those "neuroanatomical impulses" (or however we wanna call whatever makes people want to be men)? Is that something meant to be resisted? Are we framing this like an ACAB situation where the only way to be a "good man" is to stop being a man? What would that entail? Do you mean that people can present masculinely if they want to but should refrain from engaging in the societal role of "man"? How do you define that? How does that differ from someone engaging in "being a woman"?

I'm trying to understand exactly what your points are and how you envision them, since this isn't quite a straightforward topic

So, are you trying to say being a man is inherently morally wrong?

no, i specifically clarified otherwise: "not saying you're necessarily a bad person if you're a man or want to be one." side note but i also don't think concepts like something being "morally wrong" is a very useful lens of analysis in the first place, it's way too vague and subjective.

How would you justify those "neuroanatomical impulses" (or however we wanna call whatever makes people want to be men)?

i wouldn't, because i said in my post that "man" is a socially constructed role, not something inherent to your neurological makeup.

as for the rest of your ask, i'm tempted to give an answer like "we gotta forcefem them all" but in all seriousness yes, in an ideal world the concept of a "man" wouldn't exist as it currently does, and would either be reduced to a set of aesthetics and vibes (similar to for example butchness,) or would simply cease to be altogether. woman shouldn't exist as it currently does either. a lot of people proclaim they're against the gender binary but by that they just mean "i guess nonbinary people should be allowed to exist". however the actual correct position is to go all the way with it: destroy the gender binary as it currently exists in the form of a tool of conformist oppression. though of course i understand that we are still living within those conditions currently, and people may identify either fully or partially with this binary for a multitude of reasons. (for example i do consider myself a woman.) all i ask is the acknowledgement and understanding that in current society "man" is a constructed oppressor class, which is therefore not a neutral thing to be that doesn't come with any baggage - this isn't some Radical Baeddel Ideology™ or whatever, this is fairly regular feminism, the only difference is i'm a transfem saying it so people feel more emboldened to yell at me about being a feminazi cunt or whatever which they know would be more of a bad look to do towards a cis woman (not that you've done that but my inbox certainly is filling up as i expected it would lol)

Unlike with most of my other posts, there isn't really a point or an argument to be made with this post. I kind of just wanted to talk about a lot of things and there's no better way to do it than to just make a post on the "talk about a lot of things" website. If you want to hear my thoughts about GNC, gay, disabled, and ND transmasc visibility at a very young age in the society we live in, you should probably read this post.

So you always hear stories about straight/male attracted transfems being visibly transfem or fem at a young age (like around 3-5 years old), and GNC cis gay men being fem from very young too, and maybe less so masc lesbians and female attracted trans men being visibly GNC around 3-5 years old, but I wanted to talk about how trans gay men may present when they are young before they can understand what being trans actually is. There are also definitely conversations to be had about trans lesbians too, but as I'm neither transfem nor a lesbian, I don't feel qualified to speak on their behalf. If you're a trans lesbian, feel free to reply to this post or make your own post about your experiences.

My experience having been a young transmasc gay person who didn't know he was transmasc or gay is pretty unique in that it's rarely talked about in media, but I have spoken to other transmasc achilleans about it and it seems to be decently common, but not universal, among us.

I was a moderately-visible neurodivergent and disabled (at the time not physically disabled) girl living in a non-USAmerican country. For the first five years of my life I would refuse to wear anything except skirts and dresses because they were neat and I liked them. However, around the age of five I stopped wearing skirts and would refuse to wear them at all for years until I discovered that I wasn't cis. No one knew at the time why I stopped wearing them. In my very early years of school I would have been considered a "tomboy" but as I got older the label started feeling weirder because I was not a lesbian. I had very stereotypical male interests (math, science, computer programming, etc) and presented as masculine but I was not attracted to women.

For many years after I moved to USAmerica I identified as bi despite not being attracted to women. I sort of tricked myself into thinking that I was in order to validate my gender weirdness. At the time I was very socially isolated, too—I would get bullied often for being too masc but also too fem to be a "real man," for being neurodivergent, and for appearing too gay. It's almost like my bullies knew that I was trans and gay before I did. Something about my mannerisms showed them I was trans even though at the time I had long hair and would dress fem (still, no skirts).

Because society shoved it down my young, egg throat that gender = presentation and that trans people must be gender conforming, I ended up convincing myself again that I was just a fem cis woman. I think what really made me feel comfortable with myself again was discovering FOB and developing it as a special interest very soon after that. My only sense of gender then was sexuality, and I knew I was really into men, so I convinced myself again that my femininity made me female because that's what men are attracted to.

Fast forward to when young, egg me started reading fanfiction. I would read everything but I started with x reader fic. Though I enjoyed the fics I always had felt like something was wrong. Fast forward to when I discovered gay, M/M fic. Something about it felt so right, especially fic where I could imagine myself being a feminine guy with a more masculine guy. I think that is when I realized that gender doesn't have to equal presentation.

What I realize now looking back is that egg me was extremely uncomfortable with a "biologically female" body. I should be allowed to be fem and attracted to men while in a male body, and I should be able to do that even if it's not a body I was born with. And this realization made all of my past struggles with gender make sense.

As I said at the beginning, there isn't really a point to this post, but if you found it interesting or relatable, feel free to add anything you'd like! I love my trans siblings :3

i’ve got like 20 mins until my bus shows up and i’m bored so, at risk of being mobbed by that specific brand of over-30-cishet-female-mat-baynton-stans, i would like to talk about why i think transfem thomas thorne could actually be a good route for his character growth !

(but it’s below the cut bc it’s long discussion </3)

so obviously being infatuated with alison is an integral part to thomas’ character, aside from being a terrible poet it’s one of his most identifying traits. even in episodes where he’s tried to ‘grow out of it’ (see: s4e2) he’s still back to his original state at the end of the episode (and while this could be chalked up to the fact that you stays how you dies and therefore can’t grow as a person i would like to raise you this: he obviously was not obsessed with alison when he died, therefore i think there’s still some hope for him yet) anyway ! got off track a bit there,

thomas can’t ‘grow out of’ loving alison until he recognises why he loves alison - or perhaps, the idea of alison (now this could lead onto a talk abt why i also think and hc that tom is aromantic but people have covered that before)

let’s backtrack for a moment and review what exactly we know and/or can infer about thomas: he’s unlike the other men we see in the thomas thorne affair, his interests, opinions on romance and accumulated skills aren’t particularly masculine.

he’s very creative (just because he’s bad at it doesn’t mean the drive isn’t there), adores the arts (written word, paintings, songs), he clearly values women for who they are as people (and to a degree, their looks) and bases his affections on that, as opposed to financial gain (squints at francis button), and he clearly hasn’t had any experience when it comes to duels or fights in general and his general ‘layabout’ personality would definitely reflect the fact that rich women in the 1800s had very few responsibilities and obviously weren’t expected to work.

now, all of these aren’t inherently feminine traits, this is obvious, we all know this, i’m not saying that men can’t do these things. kindly don’t take my words out of context, but in the case of a man who lived in the 1800s, they can be seen as pretty feminine. this also isn’t the basis for my argument, i just want to point out a few things before i get into the meat of it !

and slightly less solid reasoning: mat baynton just plays him really fruitily. if you asked me to explain it i don’t think i could, but cmon just look at him

anywa, it’s pretty much an accepted part of the fanbase by now that thomas is bad at recognising what sort of love he’s feeling, and i raise you this: what if the desire he’s feeling for alison isn’t romantic, but is instead, desiring to be her.

(if you’re a lesbian, this is a familiar concept: do i want to date her or be her?)

he could potentially see elements of himself in alison, her own appreciation for art, and maybe even traces of the physical self (slim, white, dark haired? - this could also support the reasons why he was such a strong interest in lucy, who also shares these features, but hasn’t expressed any canon interest in fanny or kitty. mary is a bit of an outlier here but it’s whatever, my hc just has pockets ig). and when we have a great appreciation for someone we can tend to idolise them a little. in thomas’ mind, alison could potentially just be an idealised version of who he wants to be, and in his own confusion when it comes to recognising that fact, he could be mistaking admiration for adoration.

thomas is very clearly an idiot, the entire series is proof of that, and generally unless the facts are laid out right in front of him he doesn’t Get things. when we consider the fact that transgenderism was extremely uncommon and likely incredibly underground, thomas probably doesn’t even know it’s an option outside of the way that literally everyone ponders what it would’ve been like to have been born the opposite sex at least once in their life.

so why do i think this would be an effective way to fix thomas’s weird infatuation with alison?

well, at this point in the series it’s obvious that thomas isn’t just going to stop ‘loving’ her, there needs to be some big wake-up call that makes him stop. however, i feel that the longer ThemThere keep dragging out this part of his character, the harder it’ll be to bounce back from it. right now we’re lucky that thomas is such an avidly romantic character, his obsession with alison is uncomfortable enough as it currently stands but at least we know it’s innocent and emotional. but as the series goes on i just worry that that line could start to blur.

at this point, thomas suddenly moving on from alison seems entirely unfeasible and he would definitely need to have some element of identity rocked to really consider what it is about alison that he’s obsessed with. of course i’d be completely happy if that happened to be the fact that he’s aromantic or aroace but i just think thomas ending up transfem would be an interesting route to go down as an alternative (bc i know some people are very much ride and die when it comes to certain ships. and i’ll admit, i do appreciate a bit of romance between tom n different characters)

i feel like it would also be a better justification for his infatuation with her aside from just ‘too much love’ (thomas thorne=ashfur.?), obviously all obsessions are a bit iffy but i feel like if it came from a place of ‘i really want to be her and don’t know how to express that’ instead of just ‘i want her’ it would be a bit less weird. less creepy i think? and it’s an issue that can actually be worked through and addressed properly with ways of helping thomas transition instead of telling him to simply stop loving alison.

plus it would make all their interactions just so much sweeter !! whenever they talk i’m always on the edge of my seat waiting for thomas to make some weird remark but augh!!!!! they could b girl best friends !!!!

and it’s not like the cast is adverse to playing trans women ! gabriel and ho-tan are such beloved characters, gabriel gets her happy ending and even though ho-tan’s wish is reversed it’s still very much implied that they respect her identity (i do wish they had explored or at least addressed this more though) (however, ho-tan’s femininity is never the subject of a joke like gabriel’s is, so i suppose they even each other out)

anyway my final reason for tom being transfem is that dear god i’m jsut a simple lesbian please please let me have this i won’t ask for anything else i swear

like yeah you got me. i dont tihnk trans men experiecne a particular type of transphobia that nobody else on earth experiences. block me about it i geuss. i dont believe that men can be lesbians onthe basis of lesbianism being exclusive of men in every capacity adn yes that includes your AFAB UNITY!!! type of sentiment willnot fly here. yiuare not inherently granted access to lesbianism by being afab and you are never excluded from access to lesbianism by being amab. cry about it spme more bioessentialist worm bcoz im not reading ur dumb ass essays pulled off the script fo a lesbian corrective rape fetishist. oh nooo the joy of mutual udnerstanding and solidarity and recognition of our similarities adn differences what the fuuuck i want a single homogenized Queer identity so i can minmax my slurs. what the fuck are you talking about? youdont even believe in this stuff and if you genuienly truly do id hope nobodys takinf you seriously because lookng at this kind of sentiment offline for about 10 seconds shows how harmful u are to our community. but ppl fall for it. cuz tehyre hungry ot throw lesbians and transfems and bi women under the bus 24/7 by being so uncomfortable wiht acknoweldging any privilege they may have they fight tooth and fucking claw to identify out of it by saying first 'well the victims have privilege over me!! look at this thing i made up by misunderstanding my experiences are not unique!!'. do u think anyone will take u seriusoly in any debate forum like the moment a transfem comments on ur posts u crumple itno insisting fucking idk I can say the special slur still tho right? right? or just pull out the fucking All women are bitches who nevwr understand True Male Suffering adn somehow thats their fault too!!! just like ur cis counterparts. its embarrassing when tehy do it but its even more embarrassing when u do it ebcause u pretend ur knowing better when ur NOT. so yeah whatever comemnt a wholeessay on my post about fucking who knows what the hell yorue even saying your little word salad of whatever to basically boil it down to 'if a woman ever says no to a man she deserves to be shot'. pick out the pronoun taht makes it look most like im a Girl too so yiu dont have to pretend i might also be affected by this Transandrophobia yorue trying to claim so hard exists. reblog it to the dream smp sideblog who eveen gives a shit. at the end ofthe day are u happy w urself? do u look in the mirror at night and go yeah! i did good today!. are u even kind of thinking abtou the randomly generated syllables yr mashing togehter to divorce yoruself from any privilege and harm you cause to everyone around you? or is asking tht some kind of hatecrime too?

I've started grappling with and trying to accept the idea that I am intersex, and just never knew my whole life. Its so vividly painful. Especially trying to know what it may mean for me being trans. Do you how to deal with intersex related trauma? Its difficult to process because gender dysphoria is a large factors influencing how I feel.

I'll add more context here. I'm amab. I am transfem. I think that I have some form of AIS (either partial or mild, im still figuring that out) the best way I can explain my situation is my 1st puberty was much lesser than lets say a cis man for comparison. My body hair has always been thinner and slow growing, I have always been shorter (5'6), I have a curvy figure. (I fully have wide hips and I'm almost certain I've had very small breast buds ever since I was young. My actual chest has always been a bit bigger) I've had far less muscle than most cis men. I have very feminine facial features and have been told I pass without makeup or anything. For as long as I can remember my ejaculate has always been very clear (I suspect I may be infertile, though I've never gotten it tested) my genitals don't seem to have developed at all of the same rate or in the same way as a cis mans. Mine are smaller compared to others. I suspect they may not have ever "fully grown" so to speak. Im not lacking anything or have anything extra.(sorry for genital talk!) I just feel very lost.

Thank you so much

Hi anon 💜

Dealing with intersex related trauma can be so, so difficult, and I'm glad you reached out. I think based on what you shared about your body and puberty that it makes a lot of sense that you think you might be intersex. Those experiences of having different traits than your peers, or going through puberty in a way that was different than you expected, can be really complicated experiences even if we don't feel negative about our body or those traits. It can be emotionally exhausting when we look back through our childhood and analyze our body and experiences to try to put the pieces together and figure all of it out, so I just want to affirm that it's totally okay if you're feeling lost and overwhelmed right now.

It's okay to take things at whatever pace feels right to you. You're the same person that you've always been, even if now you're figuring out new information about yourself and what that means for you. You don't have to change anything about the way you identify or how you move through the world, but it's okay if you do feel like being intersex is impacting your life in a new way. I know I felt really, really confused and was really lost about how being intersex impacted my gender. I felt like I had failed at something, and didn't know if I could still identify as a trans man because I felt like I had never really been "AFAB," in the first place, and I just didn't know what it could look like to be trans and intersex at the same time. But there really are no rules and no right way to do this. I eventually came to really feel secure in my identity as someone who was both intersex and trans. My dysphoria comes from both places, my intersex body feels natural and right, and my trans identity reflects my experiences of growing up one way and then embracing my transition. There's no right way to think or feel about any of this, but know that there are so many trans and genderqueer intersex people out here and that you are absolutely not alone. You can be both trans and intersex and live as both fully.

It really helped me to talk to other intersex people and explore the intersex community. I know that other intersex people have saved my life-the connection and love I've found in the intersex community is really beautiful. If that's something you're interested in exploring, Interconnect used to be the AIS support group and now runs a support group for all intersex people. And if you send an ask off anon, I can send you a link to our intersex discord if that's something you're interested in.

I think something else that helped me to deal with intersex trauma and the process of intersex discovery was just to give myself permission to take things as slow as I needed to and experience all these feelings without shame. Sorting through my feelings around some intersex trauma took years, and a lot of journaling and talking to intersex people and trying to put words to experiences. I didn't feel proud or like I loved my intersex body for so many years, but being in intersex spaces where people were sharing those feelings was something that was so helpful for me. So whatever your journey looks like-whether you want to seek medical involvement right away, whether you want to go through self reflection, whether you want to jump right into community spaces-any of that is so valid.

And I just want to affirm that it's okay if it all feels incredibly painful right now, and at the same time I really truly believe it will not be this painful forever, and I want you to have access to some of that hope. I felt so terrible about being intersex at first and didn't think I could ever feel okay about it, but day by day it started to feel more natural and beautiful and right, and it started to make more sense the way it fit into my life.

Here's a bunch of random resources in case you're interested:

Intersex Variations Glossary

Intersex Organizations

XOXY memoir about living with AIS

Truly sending so much love and solidarity, and feel free to reach out with any questions, if you just need to vent, if you need help navigating the medical side of things--literally anything.

Best wishes 💜💜💜

Recently, my cis lesbian roommate made a comment about "he/theys" that kinda stuck with me. She said these people, on her dating app, were matching with her and ignoring that she had lesbian in her bio.

We'd had convos about whether trans mascs and trans men could be lesbians (im a transmasc person, but not a lesbian, although ive identified with the label before), and I'm all for he/him lesbians and trans men who are lesbians- I've researched, I know Stone Butch Blues, I don't think telling anyone they can or can't be anything is right.

So this sorta stuck with me. I went, "but. They probably identify as nonbinary if they use they, and even if they don't, trans guys sometimes ID as lesbians too." And she was like "well, but I'm not attracted to masculine people." And I brought up that she does usually like butch lesbians (who definitely use other pronouns besides she/her sometimes!), and she sorta brushed me off, saying there was a different "vibe" between transmascs who use he/they and butches (even though they... sometimes are the transmascs she's talking about???)

So I was like "well, do you have 'looking for femmes' in your bio or something?"

"No."

"Then how are they supposed to know??"

"I don't know it's just my preference!!"

It was super. Odd. I should say, my roommate is cis but uses she/he pronouns. She is, in fact, a lesbian who uses he/him sometimes, as he identifies as bigender *but not a man, ever.

I just find this all so confusing. I mean, let's think about it, fr.

So the popular idea today is that lesbians cannot be men, so trans men can't be lesbians.

Now, here's what that implies: if trans men can't be lesbians, then they are always in the same category as cis men. Now, of course, some trans men ARE in that category, usually binary trans men- and they're all men, right, so every man is under that umbrella. But still, gender isn't so simple. Trans men and transmascs have vastly different experiences between each other and especially cis men. This isn't to do with internal identity, but outward perception. Regardless of whether I'm a man or not, the world has seen me as a woman all my life. That makes it very hard to be accepted and comfortable in mlm spaces, especially when theres so much transphobia in the cis gay community. Plenty of trans men are stealth, or simply have a supportive community, and are welcomed like a cis man would be. But that's not the case for everyone, and not every trans man WANTS to be treated in the same way a cis man might.

But whatever, okay, let's go with that. Trans men are men and lesbian means non-man attracted to non-man, so they're not included cause it's invalidating to (some) trans men, regardless of if they've identified with the label lesbian for years or feel unsafe in mlm spaces bc of how overwhelmingly cis they can be, or whatever else.

So... what about nonbinary men, then? Nonbinary women seem to be accepted, not just nb fems but those who identify as both nonbinary AND a woman- so why are nonbinary men not?

"Because they have man in their identity and lesbians can't like men"

So.. what about bigender people? People who are both men AND women. They can't be lesbians? I guess not.

But let's say they can, and we're just excluding binary trans men from the term lesbian..

People often bring up "would you accept a cis man identifying as a lesbian?" As an arguing point here. Bringing it back to my original point, would you accept a "he/they"? What if they were amab, and had no interest in transitioning? Or a transmasc person who DID? I just saw a transfem lesbian saying she couldn't possibly let trans men with full beards into lesbian spaces as it was transphobic and wrong- aren't there transfem lesbians who don't want to shave or get their face lasered? What do sex characteristics have to do with it? I thought we were trying to avoid labels based on that sort of thing.

So at the end of the day, I guess it really is about the label of "man." What's that even mean? That's literally just a word. I'm so confused.

Can you explain how your transfeminity works with your transmasculinity? I wanna use transfemmasc but I wanna hear why others actually use it before I decide.. And also, how does your transfeminity work with the butch label?

yeah! those are very good questions, thanks for taking the time to ask! ^ _ ^

i think i'm going to start identifying with the label genderfluid again, because i think i do experience fluctuations in presentation and identity- sometimes we are femme, sometimes we are butch, mostly due to the nature of being a system, so i think including the element of fluidity in our identity is very important!

as for transfeminity and butchness, you can be a transfem butch! amab and intersex transfem butch lesbians are still transfem, it's just that you're transitioning to a masculine kind of femininity. you might identify as a woman but a butch one, or, in my case, a butch fem and woman aligned nonbinary person. i'm not taking estrogen due to the fact that it makes me feel extremely fucked up, but i am still transfem in the sense that i have very femme days due to having femme gay men in my sytem as well as femme lesbians, and when i identify as butch i am identifying as a woman aligned gender, just not a binary one- i don't feel comfortable saying i'm a trans woman, but i'm the closest nonbinary equivalent- demigal/demigirl is pretty good. the fluidity makes things a bit wobbly at times as well. technically i identify heavily with the term lesboy but that's due once more to bigenderism & butchness

my transmasculinity is a bit tough to describe these days, but the way i best describe it is my transsexuality. i needed my body to be more masculine because my physical dysphoria was crushing. my body was all wrong. my family would NOT let me keep my beard, they kept forcing me to use nair to remove it and i was so tired of that sensation. i also liked my facial hair and just... didn't like the way i looked without it. i snapped and stopped taking estrogen and went on T and suddenly i felt so much better in my body and more comfortable as a person.

i identified as a trans man for a very, very long time, and i've been questioning that label lately, as i'm not sure if it's a good fit. when i came out in 2011 - 2012, i told my family and friends that i was "a person". and when they couldnt' accept that and kept gendering me as male since i said i wasn't a woman i complied. i went well. if you won't see me as a person, i'll settle for a man. and i did this with the rest of society. i appreciate you sending this ask because i've been wanting to personally step away from the trans man label. i don't think i'm a trans man. i have some alters in my system who are men, but on the whole idon't think we ever really identified as a man OR woman- we've always been "people". it's also hard to really have an identity label designed for a single person when you have so many people living in a single body.

i think i can experience multiple genders at once at times, and i also experience fluidity between them due to systemhood. but, if you want a simplified answer, i'm a genderfluid bigender transmasculine transsexual (in reference to my HRT) neutrois & agender person, and a transfeminine butch demigirl/enby. at times it's easier to say transfemasc/transsexual bigender nonbinary person, but i think after dropping the trans man label, i feel a lot better, and i feel this is the most accurate. =) i'm reclaiming my neutrois & agender identities from when i first came out, i'm not going to let people tell me who i am anymore =D

that being said i am perfectly fine with helping trans men, as i lived as one for a decade! and i really love helping trans men realize that it's okay to be a man, it's okay to be masculine, and also how to get on testosterone, and get the help they need. so i don't want trans men to stop sending asks, i still <3 trans men and the community, i just don't think i identify as one anymore, i'm tired of adopting a label that just isn't me. but i'm okay with being seen as an honorary trans man of sorts. also due to my intersex condition it makes things very difficult :'- )

anyway thanks for taking the time to ask! if there's anything else you're curious about let us know we're happy to help! take care, good luck in your own journey

okay so. controversial statement, once again lol. and this applies more easily to binary trans ppl than nonbinary ppl, or trans ppl who want to transition and pass as the opposite sex.

(if you disagree with me saying opposite sex, implying there's only two, why do we only say afab and amab? why does it matter in discussions? why do we say male dog and female cat and don't mention intersex (DSD) animals? amab ppl are of the sex that can produce smaller spermatozoa gametes, and afab ppl are of the sex that can produce larger gametes (ova), whether or not they're fertile. and people with DSDs are variety of one of those, there are no third options. lmk if you can disprove that. but imo that's why there's two sexes, and why those sexes matter in social justice discussions.)

i think if trans folks had just said, like old school transsexuals used to say, "i want to become part of the opposite sex socially, i want to live being perceived and/or treated as the opposite sex" a HUGE amount of trans vs non-trans issues would be gone. transness once used a language that wasn't telling bio men and bio women that manhood/womanhood means having manly or womanly feelings in one's head, identifying as a man/woman - when actually most people have historically ALWAYS used man/woman as just neutral body types (well, neutral without misogyny lol) one is born into, not an identity - and it said what trans people actually want and request from bio men & women. it says that you have been debilitated by an unusual condition that creates a disconnect from your sex at birth, and that after lots of therapy and self-introspection you and your doctors saw it just wasn't going away. instead of being combative you politely ask to be accomodated to a reasonable degree, and to be allowed to transition to look like the opposite sex and be treated as such, whether other people understand it or not, without assuming what the opposite sex goes thru bc you haven't experienced it at all, at least not yet. it was disability accomodations in a way, more similar to disability activism than gay & bi activism, and was seen as a disconnect in the brain, something being wrong, not a neutral trait like someone simply being born capable of homosexual attraction

this phrasing of "wanting to live as the opposite sex" would recognize that you're not a man/woman from birth and you don't live as a man/woman right now, you have no clue what it's actually like, bc you don't live that way. and you recognize that's literally all being a man/woman means and has always meant, it's that you live in a certain body type and are seen like that in your everyday life without needing to wear pronoun pins or disclosing it. you are part of the population that either risks misogyny or avoids it. and not just conditionally avoids misogyny btw, bc afab ppl are still oppressed under misogyny for their upbringing and their body type medically, no matter how many surgeries they get. and imo transfems experience terrible yet conditional misogyny which ends if they're outed, at that point they're treated as gnc men again, no matter how transitioned they are (which also fucking sucks). they also need to listen to bio women!! and transmascs! and afab people should listen to transfemmes' unique experiences too! everybody needs to listen to eachother and give eachother space to have a voice!

i think some people may identify as a man/woman but not plan to ever live as such, and they should acknowledge it, see it as just a personal life thing if they're not questioning transitioning to be seen as the opposite sex. they shouldn't claim bio male or bio female or transsexual experiences. they shouldn't blame average bio men and women for not being trans and for society not being trans-centric by default. they're blaming others instead of coming to terms with their unique and difficult circumstances and trying to communicate their experiences and needs with cis society respectfully. y'know, like older transsexuals tended to focus on, instead of trying to fundamentally change language and affect women's rights. older transsexual generations tended to show so much more care to bio/cis women, they tended to be wayyy more protective of bio women. and trans women knew that they were immigrating into womanhood, and shouldn't claim to be born into it or affect women's rights in any negative way. they knew they had been privileged of not living under misogyny up until this point. bio women didn't understand transfem life, and transfemmes didn't understand bio women's lives at all, at least until transitioning, usually later in life. older transfemmes and male crossdressers had such a radically different dynamic with bio women even just 20 years ago. it's sad, honestly.

i think trans ppl who have no plans of ever transitioning are closer to living gnc lives than trans(sexual) lives. i think they have radically different experiences and needs than transsexuals. transgender & transsexual maybe should become two different categories? they used to be iirc. and cis feminists have different issues with each side, but usually wayyy more with transgender folks bc they tend to unfortunately be loud and inappropriately try to claim bio women's, transmascs' and transitioned transfems' experiences with ACTUALLY facing misogyny or the oppression and violence that gnc amab people who are actually seen as such in society face. not just gncphobia (is that a term?) and ppl being weirded out and confused by them. non-dysphoric transmascs also at times show weird misogyny, bc of their disconnect from womanhood, and an obsession with men's rights, and sexism. after transition trans men experience a sudden lack in misogyny and actually get more respectful from what i've seen??? but non-dysphoric transmascs can be so disrespectful of women in general, cis and trans. and act like they know transsexual experiences

i'd be really interested in reading more about transmeds' views on things like this and the disrespect, sexism, misogyny and just unhinged chronically online behavior non-dysphoric trans ppl often seem to show, especially nonbinary folks. i'm a trans-inclusive radfem with a research-gathering blog that has not-so-respectfully worded posts reblogged (they tend to still make some good points and i like hoarding interesting points for my dumb wip tirf book) and that understandably gets ppl heated, so np if no transmeds or trans folks in general want to share. but i just really wish we got to see more nuanced opinions from trans folks. usually ppl w nuanced views just get harassed off the platform in classic tumblr fashion :/