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bontenten · 1 year

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good girl

Pairing: Itoshi Sae x f!reader WC: 2k Tags/Warning: eating disorders, throw-up, yandere, manipulation, body-shaming, degradation, humiliation, drugs, pregnancy mention, eating disorders

a/n: read the tags, not my problem otherwise. :looksaway: anyways, fun fact, football/soccer is so insanely popular on instagram. ronaldo is the most followed account with 579M (the only individual to pass 500M, the other is the ig account), closely followed by messi with 457M. 2 football clubs and 2 other football athletes-ish are also on the top 50 list. i was genuinely amazed?

Happiness is sharing that meal with the man you love the most, global football star, Itoshi Sae. After so many years of hard work, Sae is finally the star mid-fielder for FC Barcha. He has so many commercial gigs, sponsorships, and invitations to special events and dinners. With Sae, you have tasted things beyond your wildest dreams. You cannot imagine a better version of your life than the one right now, next to him.

It's glamor and perfection for a little while. One day, the news headline flashes "Itoshi Rin: Star Striker of Bastard München". That day, you see a new, unfamiliar expression on Sae's face. You don't have a word for it, but you can describe it as a peculiar mix of pride and disgust. But he's the only one you'll ever look at. The best in the world, to you forever. You think it's enough.

Rin's debut in the global football scene is hailed as the birth of a genius and superstar. The same talk shows, magazines, and brands suddenly flock over to the younger Itoshi. And for the first time, since Sae has joined FC Barcha, the team walks away from the World Cup, defeated. The journalists sensationalized the entire match. The most circulated photo is none other than Rin mid-air about to send the final point into the goal.

A week later, Itoshi Sae is no longer the most followed individual on Instagram. He's overtaken by Itoshi Rin, with over 600 million followers in a feat that has only been achieved by the platform's own page. Sae never seemed to care about details like that, since he rarely ever posts to his page. It's usually managed by a special team instead. But you find Sae looking at Rin's page, focused on a photo of Rin and a gorgeous woman pressed tightly to him, a popular gravure idol now better known as Rin's girlfriend. You will never forget the scrutinizing look he gives you that evening.

The comments about your body and eating habits started crawling in. You don't realize it at first, thinking that of course, Sae would know more about gastronomy than you. He's been to so many more places than you and seen so many things. He's always careful with his food too, as an athlete.

You kiss him back, eagerly guiding his hand toward the waistline of your panties. Sae rests his hands on your hip and stops.

"You've put on weight," he comments bluntly.

You're a bit confused and still a bit excited.

"M-Maybe. I'm getting my period soon, so I might be a bit bloated," you stammered. Seeing Sae's uninterested expression, you cross your arms to hide your body. "I'll run sometime this week, all good."

Sae ignores your suggestion and leans back against the headboard. "Did you take the tablets I got for you?"

You think back to the large capsules in the jar that you're supposed to take twice a day. "Oh, I forgot. I'll just take it tomorrow," you tell him, not wanting to travel all the way downstairs so late at night.

Sae groans and gets up. A moment later he returns with a glass of water. "Here, I went to get it for you. You have to take it on time every day."

He offers you three pills in his palm and you take one, except he gestures for you to take more.

You look at him cautiously. "I think...I'm only supposed to take one."

A loud sigh escapes him. "But you keep forgetting, so just in case. It's fine. You won't overdose. They're like vitamins."

"Okay." You swallow pill after pill after pill.

Sae smiles and presses a kiss on your forehead. "Good girl, let's go to bed now."

A month after taking those pills, you notice your tastebuds drastically changing. Everything you eat tastes like ashes. For most meals, you try to swallow a few bites, but they go down like sandpaper. And then everything is heaved out not too long afterward.

Sae is with you each time, giving you encouragement and comforting you. He gives you water to rinse out your mouth. He tells you that you feel better now that extra waste is cleared. It's funny that the first time you threw up, you thought you were pregnant. And had the same thought the second time your period was late.

Your period isn't late. It's just gone.

Your wardrobe also transforms. Sae brings back so many gifts often, filling your closet with designer outfits. You recognize a couple of the brands. You've seen the photoshoots of Rin and his girlfriend. He asks you if you want to try them on. You should have realized that Sae doesn't spend his time playing dress-up with you.

"Do they have another size, Sae?" you ask nervously, trying to suck in your core as tight as possible.

You see him wrap his arms around you in the mirror, face resting in the crook of your neck. He shakes his head. "I can't take back something I bought already. Do you still like the styles?"

You give him a weak smile and concede. "Yea, they're pretty."

"Good. You look good in them," Sae whispers low in your ears. "Just have to lose a bit more. One day you'll fit them just perfectly."

Sae tells you how important it is to have a goal in mind and always focus on the big picture. And that he'll help you. Always.

More weeks pass by. You can't sleep at night anymore. Your feet are just always so cold, nothing you wear or do can warm it up at all. And you're so hungry, your sense of smell is so heightened that the air is palpable. The faintest trace of something has your mouth watering. After checking that the man next to you is sleeping soundly, you carefully tip-toe down the hall, avoiding the floorboard spots that will creak. It's a laborious feat when you also have a sprained ankle.

In the darkness of 3 A.M., you find heaven and bliss. You grab at the frozen foods but pause at the thought of turning on the stove or oven. Sae will wake up. You spot a single ice cream popsicle left in the box. It's from the last time Rin visited. Expired, but it'll do. Sae won't pay attention to it. It won't hurt. You rip off the packaging savoringly the sweetness and cold tingles that seem to bring life back into your body. For the first time, something doesn't taste like chalk. Stay quiet, Sae will wake up.

"What do you think you're doing?"

Your eyes flick toward the direction of the voice where a dark figure is leaning against the wall. Sae is up. Each step adds to the lump in your throat. The ghostly fridge light illuminates part of him gradually until the displeasure that's written across his face is revealed. Tears began to prickle in your eyes and stream down.

"S-Sae, I'm—I'm so hungry," you sobbed, curling into a ball. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Shhh," Sae coos, using his thumb to swipe your tear away. You're still apologizing between each breath when he wipes the edges of your mouth that are smeared with ice cream. "I know, baby, I know. I know it's hard."

Sae never raises his voice at you. He's always so gentle and extra affectionate in moments of your vulnerability. He reaches for the ice cream pop you're gripping in your hand and takes it from your grasp. He licks the melting trail and finishes the treat in a couple of bites. You don't dare to look at the wooden stick that is the reminder of your late-night exploit. You wish you ate a bit faster.

Sae crouches to your level and waves the little stick in front of your face. "You're not a child. Snooping around late at night for things you know you're not supposed to eat? It's bad for you. Sweets have to be earned."

"Yes, I know," you whisper, ashamed, eyes fixated on the square tiled floors.You hear fabric rustling and soon bright light shines in your eyes. You see the latest picture of Rin and his girlfriend at the beach.

"It's tough love, but take a good look at her." Sae scrolls through a couple of their latest photos. "Look how skinny and sexy she is. See that collarbone? You can drink out of that. Now look at you."

His comments shatter you and you begin to sob. He stands up and continues, "If I wanted just any slutty bitch, I would have ten in my arms right now."

You know he is right. Women fawn over him whenever the two of you go out. At events or just on the streets. Even without his reputation as a football icon, Sae is a gorgeous man.

You don't have anything left after meeting Sae. Your family and friends are left behind. Your schooling and your job are all set aside. If he doesn't want you anymore, what are you even worth? You panic. "I know Sae. I'm sorry, I'll do better. I swear."

You really mean it, truly. You feel terrible.

Sae’s voice softens. "You know why I still choose you out of all of the girls?"

You shake your head.

"Look at me."

You don't move.

"Look at me, baby."

He lifts your chin and your eyes fix on him. His teal eyes seem to glow.

"Because you're a good girl," he says firmly. So assured like it's the most obvious truth in the world. "You're a good girl, yes?"

You nod shakily.

"You have to look good, so I also look good, understand? Say something."

You nod again, biting back the tears that are trying to spill. But you manage to choke out a quiet 'yes'.

"When I'm good, we're," he gestures at the space between the two of you, "good. So, don't ruin this for us."

He hands you the popsicle stick. "If you make a mistake, you have to fix it. Then you have to learn from it. It's the same thing as football. I know it's hard, but I also know you can do it. Prove me right."

You crawl up to your feet and prepare to make your way to the bathroom. Except Sae stops you. "Do it here. You made your mistake here."

You take a deep breath and open your mouth. You take two fingers and try to reach the back of your throat. It's the first time you try to induce your gag reflex by yourself. Usually, you just throw up on time or Sae helps. You look towards Sae. He motions at the popsicle stick. So, you try again. This time, the birchwood presses on your tongue.

"That's it," he encourages, "keep going."

You feel the lurch. It comes in dry, just a wave of nausea. You stick the stick a bit deeper in your throat. This time the reaction is a bit more visceral. A few violent gurgles later, acidic cream spills out and splatters onto the floor. You hurl a few more times, just pure bile and some unidentifiable remnants of something. Tears blur your vision and the inside of your nostrils burn.

"Now clean it up and think about what you did wrong."

You scramble up and limp over to kitchen towels to wipe up your mess.

"I...shouldn't have snuck out at night to...eat ice cream," you confess out loud. "I shouldn't have...eaten..."

"Good job," Sae compliments you, taking the soiled towels from you to throw away and handing you a glass of water and a capsule. "Now you'll never forget. Lessons are only useful if you'll get something out of them. I can see the change in you already."

This is the warm Sae that you love. His smile brings so much joy to you, especially when he is smiling because of you. You sip on the water, expertly swallowing the pill, and nod eagerly. "I'll lose more, Sae. I'll look pretty for you."

Sae smiles and pokes your cheeks. "That's my girl. It's for your own good too, you'll look very pretty when you can fit in the dresses I buy for you."

You bury the thoughts about the sharp pain in your chest and dull ache in your ankles. All that matter is Sae and his love for you. You can lose everything and anything but that.

#yandere blue lock #yandere sae #yandere blue lock x reader #yandere sae x reader #tw drugs #tw eating disorders #emi.freshtea #🍵.sae #tw yandere

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b0nel0ver · 3 months

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since im in a good mood (i lost weight again!) i wanted to share my best coping methods for. when im triggered about my ed

🦴add songs to my ana playlist

I have Spotify premium (i didn't buy it lol, i pirated) and i just check the songs i get suggested, also online, and if they fit my taste at all. sadly, i can't put "bag of bones" by mitski bc even if it fits the theme a lot, heh, it's connected to something else on a personal level.

🦴i will post my playlist later, feel free to save it for yourself 🦴

🦴i watch a triggering film/serie // read a triggering book

this one's a classic. my suggestions are To The Bone, it's really touching, and Girl, Interrupted.

I don't have any book suggestions at the moment, sadly.

🦴i only weight myself under certain conditions

said conditions are:

-i didn't eat anything that day (so it happens that i do it in the morning)

-i have fasted for around 8+ hours, more usually 12

-if i touch my stomach, i feel it pretty flat, so im sure im not bloated with water

-i feel SAFE doing it, just in case i didn't go down, making sure that im not triggered. best if I'm about to go do something, so im distracted

-im not close to my period, because i gain a bit bc of it and I'll lose it right after, no biggie.

-i didn't weight myself the day before

🦴look for a phone background, a pfp, or anything i like to look at

especially if i need a background, like for my tablet or pfp on some social.

🦴if i lose weight, i reward myself

NOT WITH FOOD, it triggers me. usually, i get to make a ice-water-lemon-and-juicr drink, it's low-cal and i can spare some for dinner/lunch.

i also buy myself something nice, like new jewelry, depending on my mood.

🦴if i gain weight, or binge, i focus on my recovery, and ignore the ana.

🦴this one is weird, but i m4sturb4t3

i know i know, but it works really well

🦴i have a shower

ESPECIALLY if i alternate from lukewarm, soft boiling myself, and chilly

🦴i read/watch g0r3

it makes me nauseous

🦴i have a daily vitamin pill

JUST ONE, it helps with my nails, hair and skin, keeps everything a bit healthier. the reason it helps me cope is that it makes me feel less dizzy, makes me a bit nauseous because it tastes like shit, and also feeds my stomach just enough for it to stop hurting.

🦴while eating lowcal is faster, eating 1200<x<1500 makes it a bit slower but keeps your metabolism working

if your metabolism works well, it makes it harder to gain weight. eating pomegranate is also helpful for it, plus it's low-cal (a whole one is around 140 cals, i usually only eat half in 2 days)

🦴i keep telling myself that i can't starve myself anyway, my parents would force me to eat

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obey-me-headquarters · 2 years

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I had no idea you were actually a fan of a/b/o so I never considered to ask u abt it since most writers aren't comfortable with it, ANYWAYS here some omega boys HCs I think abt

• I think their pre heats are like periods, mood swings are all over the place, will crave something so suddenly and will refuse it later once you get it, either clingy af or 'get the hell away from me I will scratch you >:(' af , will complain about the soreness in their body (bc it's readying to get bred), their alter ego will show up

• Beel and Diavolo are both buff in my opinion but when they get pregnant they won't technically grow much belly just their abs disappearing and being replaced by 'fat' or if they have multiple babies it will make it seem as if their bloated (btw I love the trope small Dom x big sub)

• The most likely to have the biggest nest is Mams and Asmo and the least is Luci (bc he's a busy bitch)

• Lucifer is more affectionate or the complete opposite of his sin when he's in heat, it's hard to tell if he's the real Lucifer lol

• Asmo is really emotional when in preheat so make sure to shower him with lots of love

• Belphie is really energetic

• Barbatos can control his scent/pheromones when in heat, hence can do his daily chores without anyone realizing it

• The most likely to get pregnant is Mammon, will steal and burn all of the condoms

• Lucifer is the type of omega to take a lot of suppressants to be seen as an alpha that's why he has gone through millenniums without getting found out until YOU arrived and then YOU got him pregnant

Ohhhhh, I really really like these!!!

1) I really like the idea that pre-heats are like mood swings. If I may add my own headcanon about pre-heats, I think they only happen when the omega has gone through heats before, as in, you're with a stable mate. This is mainly so my last lost of headcanons say funny lol. So when an omega/alpha is first getting a crush their heat/rut just completely bindsides them. But! It is also funny to imagine them going through preheat, writting it off, and then getting hit with heat so idk. I definitely find the idea them getting all cuddly very cute. And the idea that some of them would be all "wtf don't touch me" is very funny. I imagine they're kinda like cats in that way. Waiting to stick in a room with you so they can look at you, but will Bite if you try to touch. I'm not sure if I like the idea of their "alter ego" coming out, since I kinda like headcanoning them as themselves when in preheat, but it is funny if they act very differently lol.

2) I'm still on fence about a pregnancy kink, but I do think they are VERY sweet and soft. So I can't gush a lot about baby bumps and that stuff lol. I too love the idea of small dom x big sub! Diavolo and Beel would absolutely LOVE to be cherished and taken care of during heat/preheat, since prevoius partners thought they will all doting during preheat/heat. They want to feel small <3

3) hmmMMM idk if I agree on this 🤔 I think during preheat/heat Luci's Bird Instincts comes out full force and he will get VERY distracted with trying to build a nest. He probably plans out his nests in advanced. His bird instincts would go "Oh, that would make a great addition to the nest, STEAL" Whenever he spots something cute of yours. So when his heat rolls around he has a whole pile/nest of little things from you.

4) I definitely like the idea of Lucifer turning into a real shameless slut during his heat. I think it happens very far into the heat, while he's deep in subspace and has been throughly fucked already. Lucifer just becomes totally shameless and openly begs for things.

5) ohhhh yes! Asmo being a clingy bitch in preheat. Definitely wants you around 24/7. Will constantly post photos of the two of you, you're constantly cuddling up, etc. Asmo also becomes very jealous, but in a whiny way. You accidentally dump into a demon as you throw away your lunch and when you come back Asmo is all "Why were you talking to that person :("

6) ohhhhhh hmm. Maybe not energetic but focused? Like he gets really sucked into something and can obsesse about it. We seen before in episode 17 or 18 that he can actually be very focused about stuff when he puts his mind to it. So I definitely think his mind kinda latches onto things during preheat. Especially things about you

7) ohhhh i like that headcanon! I like to think that his wears scent blockers and changes his clothes often while in heat so he doesn't give off much of a scent. He's supposed to be Diavolo's shadow so it wouldn't be good if he's loudly giving off "I want to be Fucked" vibes.

8) again, not that into pregnancy, but do ya thing! When you and Mammon sit down and talk about having a baby, I can definitely see him burning all the condoms, and possibly even looking up ways to get knocked up because he's SO exicted and wants to have a baby.

9) ooooooo, you see I really really like the trope of an omega trying to hide their omega status. Especially since they're worried about not being taken seriously or getting judged for it. But the thing about the devildom is that I think it's very progressive in it's identity politics. I don't think demons really care about gender lol, anybody can be immensely powerful. So I'm not sure they'll judge on secondary gender so Lucifer doesn't see the need to hide. BUT I do still like this idea so maybe Lucifer likes to keep his private life very private and he likes to be mysterious so not a lot of people know what his secondary gender is (it's a big topic in the tabloids). So it's definitely a surprise when cool, calm Lucifer starts acting all submissive. I also like the trope of the omega worrying about the alphas/batas in their community treating them differently once they come out, only to be treated exactly the same. While still getting fucked gently and taken care of in private. Love the trope of the omega hiding their status and vowing NEVER to date because they know they get extremely submissive and don't want to be made fun/judged, but when they come out/get found out everyone is exactly the same, while also convincing them to let down their walls in the bedroom and getting taken of <3

#obey me #obey me cast #obey me omega cast #obey me alpha!reader #alpha!reader #a/b/o #heat cycles #my post #ask #tbp masterlist

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grumpygreenwitch · 7 months

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Fanfiction 15-16

Wherein things are put together, and then promptly fall apart.

Buy me a Ko-fi?

1-2-3 + 4-5 + 6-7-8-9-10 + 11-12 + 13-14 + 15-16 + 17-18-19 + 20-21 + 22-23 + 24-25 + 26-27

Morning found Jean asleep once again under one of those wings, the angel's head buried under a pillow, crisp sunlight spilling into the room. He reached out to brush his fingers over the crook of that arm, once again amused and charmed.

He got a wordless, sleepy moan in protest.

"There are curtains, you know," he pointed out, his voice made rough with sleep, his brogue perceptible even to his ears.

"They're all the way over there," the arm gestured vaguely. "I'm all the way over here. So are you. Jean."

"Mm."

"Not a sunflower."

"Always a sunflower," the vampire teased, and got a pillow to the face for his cheek. His angel scrabbled up just far enough to straddle him, and Jean lost all his breath to the beauty of Alyss, to the press of those legs around his hips, that groin so close to his. Wings cocked, the angel leaned down to kiss him, and Jean wound his arms around him, forearms brushing the soft down at the root of each limb.

Then Alyss was gone, heading into the bathroom. "Chere's going to be here any minute now with breakfast. Do you want him to catch you like that?"

"Man'd probably cheer," Jean muttered, but rolled to a sitting position, rubbing at his neck and trying to figure out what shape his life was taking all around him. Or what sort of future, if any, there could be for the two of them.

The future began to take shape when he came out of the shower, to find Alyss already squinting at his laptop while he held a croissant and pretended to eat it. Both their heads snapped around to a woman’s glad, high cry coming from the front lawn. "Kili!"

"That'll be Evie," Jean pointed out, rubbing at his freshly shaved face. He'd given up astonishment at how thoroughly Chere had stocked Alyss' bathroom with the vampire in mind at the point where he'd found his usual brand of toothpaste and his favorite shaving gel.

Alyss rushed to the window. From there he could see a flurry of barred owl-colored wings as an angel plummeted down and all but tackled Kliman, who was waiting on the lawn. The older angel answered with a matching cry of delight, catching the newcomer and spinning them around exuberantly.

Evelie, better known to the household as Evie, was the angel in charge of Massachusetts. She was a tall, sturdy creature with screech owl wings and very dark hair and eyes, and a direct, powerful, cheerful personality. Her skin was the color of fired clay, and she was Kliman's half-sister across a distance of several centuries. She was introduced to Alyss during lunch and seemed equally delighted to meet him.

"Lilah is escorting all my hard copy documentation over here. Well." She winked at him. "The stuff that's safe to move, anyway."

It was the first inkling Alyss got that Evie was another key stop along the escape pipeline that Kliman ran. Evie and her tech-savvy folk, as well as the contacts and friends she had in the Bay area, created new identities where possible, or simply made the old ones disappear. Alyss could see the critical usefulness of it: angels had a bad habit of getting stuck on whatever time period had seen them first hit their prime. It was usually the responsibility of their underlings, humans, vampires or angels, to keep up with the technology of the times. Evie had no such problem; her team came from people who knew the cutting edge of technology didn't leap and bound ahead of itself so much as it had strapped on jet engines and removed the brakes, and she flew in delight right along with it.

While he waited on the Massachusetts books, he worked on the Maine account. It wasn't nearly as bad as he'd expected. Kliman had kept everything simple - too simple, in some cases. The very first thing Alyss had done had been data-dump every single number he could find dating back at least fifty years, bloating the books to bursting. Then he'd begun to methodically replace everything he didn't want found with harmless, but vaguely suspicious activity. Safehouses had been attached to imaginary mistress accounts; vehicles to relatives removed by six or seven degrees. He knew he was hiding a crime, perhaps one of the highest crimes any angel could commit against their own society. He couldn't make it disappear; perfect books would draw even more attention than haphazard ones. But petty sins of nepotism? No one cared about those.

He would work until Jean harassed him into breaking. Sometimes the vampire would simply drag him outside, to enjoy the advance of the season, its bluster and winds full of dry leaves, the passing herds of deer moving silently through the woods, the vicious warfare between chipmunks, the sweet and mournful calls of birds in the marsh. Sometimes they would share a meal and Jean would make agreeable noises while Alyss gushed about his work.

The vampire didn't care that he didn't understand. He cared that he could spend time with Alyss. Sometimes it strangled him, the reality of it, the old nightmare rearing up and telling him, it won't last. You'll lose him, too. Something will take him away, and there'll be nothing you can do.

But every time, as if some unseen signal had warned the angel of what went on behind the vampire's troubled green eyes, Alyss would move closer, slip his arms and his wings around Jean and kiss him, so lightly, so delicately, as if asking permission every time. And Jean would forget everything but his bird, his sunflower.

Two days after he'd gotten the Massachusetts books, Kliman called him to a meeting. Evie was still there, chatting quietly with Lilah when Alyss came into the meeting room, Jean two steps behind him. Kliman's brows went up.

"I asked him to come," Alyss preempted any protest.

"Oh, he's your Second then?" Evie seemed unfazed by this. "That's very convenient."

Alyss sputtered. "I'm nowhere near important enough to rate a Second!" he exclaimed, and Jean couldn't help but be amused. "You've got Gevaun and Lilah, I want him here."

Kliman laced her hands before her face to badly hide a grin. "Gevaun is my Second, Alyss."

"Oh, for goodness' sake." Red to his ears, Alyss sat down, primly setting his laptop and tablet before him on the table. "My preliminary report -"

"That's not why you're here," Kliman gave him a deeply affectionate look. "Alyss, why are you so bad with people?"

"Lack of practice," he admitted resignedly. "I had to choose people or numbers. It was really a terribly unfair choice."

Evie laughed. Kliman sighed and gestured for Gevaun to pour hot chocolate for them all. While they drank, she set before Alyss the plan they'd all been working on since that fateful night at the marsh: she wanted Alyss to take over for Evie in running the escape pipeline.

"No," Alyss replied at once, so terrified he blurted the truth without thinking. "No, I can't be responsible for people's lives. What if I muck it up?"

"What if there's no one, then?" Kliman replied. "I mean to make Evelie my heir, Alyss. She won't have time to do more than oversee; less even, while we find replacements for Alistaire, and a new caretaker for Maine. These people, these vampires, they deserve to have someone fully on their corner."

"Yes, someone capable!"

"Which you are."

"No, I mean someone useful!"

"Which you are," Kliman repeated, then reached out to catch the accountant's flailing hands. "You mean a warrior."

"Someone brave," Alyss strangled out.

"Alyss, none braver than the one who gave his coat away while three other people discussed shooting him for being in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Gevaun flushed faintly, and Alyss stared at the older angel's hands. "He was cold. I'll mess up. I know numbers, not people. My head, it’s all numbers. I'll mess up and then what?"

"I believe your words were, then you make plans for when things go wrong. And you make plans for when those plans go wrong as well."

"Someone's told you an awful lot about what happened that night," Alyss protested grumpily. "There must be someone else."

"There is not. Gevaun must stay to help Evie with the transition. This operation is small out of necessity, Alyss, we need to hide what we're doing and we need to hide it very, very well. A thousand humans become vampires every year, and that's just the ones that are Made legally. Some die. Some are killed. Some think they are clever enough to escape their contract, unaware of the predator they've invited into their veins. And some very, very few find themselves bound in slavery to a true monster. They’re not many, but when you are one among a thousand you’re still very easy to find if you run. We need your expertise and they need your cleverness. And if you really think they need a warrior, well. There's one standing right behind you."

"You haven't even asked him!"

"Do I need to?" Kliman asked Jean directly.

"No," the vampire replied readily from where he was slouched against a wall. He'd been just as surprised as Alyss, but he wasn't as easily distracted by fifty other concerns as his sunflower. Kliman's reasoning made sense, and in truth he realized he should've seen it coming. The choice had always been between Evie and Rook, and Rook was too much the typical angel for Kliman to trust him with her domain.

More than that, he could see why they wanted Alyss to take over. His mind caught onto problems long before they'd actually, fully taken shape. He unraveled issues before they became such. He could keep track of vast, labyrinthine quantities of data, and put them together on the fly, making a whole that fit whatever the situation called for. If anyone could keep the escape pipeline running smoothly, it was his bird. But again they came to the one shortcoming of the young angel, and Alyss apparently understood that lack on himself better than anyone.

It didn't matter to Jean. He would fight the world for his bird. The realization struck him quietly at that moment, under the bright autumn sunlight in the tasteful meeting room: it wasn't just that he could think with Alyss nearby, it wasn't just that his nightmares went quiet. But in glimpses and hints he was catching sight at last of the man he'd once been, simply because it was the man he saw in the angel's eyes.

He shrugged. "I go where Alyss goes."

"Oh, for -!" Alyss turned on his chair to glower at him. "You're not helping!" But he was pink and flushed, and Jean could smell in the book and summer scent of his bird a profound sense of relief. Alyss would have never asked him to come, Jean realized, even while he bled at the possibility of losing him, even as he feared that the vampire might wish go his own way.

He grinned a little at his bird. "This is me helping. It makes sense and you know it."

Alyss ground the heels of his hands into his eyes and made a high-pitched sound of impotent impatience. Then he snatched for the slim folder that Kliman had set on the table between them, muttering sourly at all of them. Mainly because he already knew he'd lost the argument.

It wasn't a quick thing, of course. Alyss still had to work on the accounting for Massachusetts, which was incredibly complex. And he had to rebuild the Maine accounting from scratch; he refused to do anything less than hide the entire operation from its inception. But that work taught him the ropes of what he'd be doing taking over Kliman's pipeline better than any sort of training would have.

When the first snow fell over the Bay Alyss found himself moved into one of the buildings that dotted Evie's sprawling domain just past Natick. Kliman had retired to the Refuge to plan her Sleep and Lilah had gone with her; she and Gevaun would be taking turns keeping watch and helping the new angel in charge of New England. Evie and Kliman had even flown to New York to officially appraise the Archangel of North America of the changeover, which he'd graciously allowed even while mourning the loss of one of his most steadfast stewards.

Jean had overseen the work on the gatehouse lodge Alyss was given, a single-story, sprawling building lost in the woods, whatever gatehouse it once served long gone. On paper Evie had made Alyss her CFO and the vampire with him a groundskeeper. In truth, once he'd sorted through the Massachusetts books, upkeeping them took Alyss all of two hours a day, and part of that was simply sending reports to the people who actually dealt with the finances. Evie had made no effort to hide from them that the angel's real job could be dangerous, and made sure Jean understood what the vampire had already known: his real job, his only job, was to keep Alyss safe.

In working with those who, however anonymously, helped fund Kliman's pipeline, Alyss began to see the innate goodness he'd missed while doing his original job. As Jean had pointed out, the angel had been called upon only by those who didn't trust anyone else. In truth angels did care about their vampires, for the most part. The problem was two-fold, he quickly realized, and the fact that angels could be unspeakably cruel becausse there was no one to stop them wasn’t even the worst part; the biggest problem was that those who did care didn’t know what they were doing. Which was was really a very silly thing to have happening when angelkind had been making vampires for as long as they had. And that was before counting those humans who were Made without ever consenting to it.

The best part, though Alyss only admitted it to himself very quietly in the privacy of his mind, was having Jean with him. Jean, walking through the snow-clad woods full of whispers and winter sunlight. Or watching him chop wood, which was a favorite pastime of the vampire, and Alyss wasn't about to say no when the ax came out, always hoping the shirt would come off then, though it never did. Granted that Jean couldn't make tea, at least not that anyone alive could drink, and his coffee was not safe for anyone's consumption but his own, but his cocoa was nearly as good as Chere's. He couldn't make croissants at the drop of a pin, but his cornbread nearly gave Alyss an epiphany. He was a decent cook, a fair hand at cleaning, atrocious at laundry, and his love for Alyss shone on his eyes, as if the sight of his sunflower brought spring to the green of them after too long a drought. It made the angel's wings ripple every time he saw that look, the look that said he was seen, he was known, he was worth something as himself, priceless as himself.

And Alyss? Alyss was balm to Jean's heart. For the first time the vampire found himself talking, finally talking, about Moissani. About the betrayal of his Making, and the centuries of brutality that had followed.

Whenever the words wrung themselves out of him and left him shaking, exhausted and angry in their bed, it was always Alyss who was there. To hold him, to soothe him, to remind him that he was worth something, that he was himself. That his sunflower loved him without judgment, cherished him without condition, supported him without doubt. To Alyss he was not Moissani's guard dog or guinea pig. To Alyss, Jean was simply Jean. Sometimes his love for the amber-winged angel strangled him and his nightmares reared up, laughing, always laughing, at the very thought that he'd ever be able to protect Alyss. How could he possibly protect an angel that seemed unable to protect himself?

To be fair, when things did go wrong, there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent it.

Evie warned them that the Guild had requested leave to make inquiries of anyone who'd worked for Kliman prior to the angel's retirement. Given Gevaun had already warned her that the Hunters were sniffing around Maine because Alyss had warned Gevaun that someone was electronically sniffing around the Maine books, no one had been surprised. Jean had suggested, somewhat sarcastically, that they act surprised. But then he had as poor an opinion of the Guild as it was possible to have.

Evie offered to bring Alyss and Jean over to her Boston offices, where the wealth of bodies would throw off the Hunters' senses. But Jean had pointed out, not unwisely, that it would be suspicious if she did so. Instead Evie had sent three more vampires, including one of her own enforcers who, perky, cheerful and freckled to death, was happy to pretend to being Alyss' gal-Friday.

Alyss welcomed the two Hunters in his office, somewhat put out by the fact they'd showed up right when he should've been doing his dailies for Boston from his office. The small room in the lodge had not been fully converted to angel use; it had no windows and it boasted the old stone walls, covered in tasteful decorative knotted tapestries. Maia knocked on the door, opened it and called out, "The Guild Hunters, sir."

"Oh, for the love of prime numbers." Alyss put aside the work he'd been doing, not even looking at the two men when they came in. He'd been hoping to get some work, any work, done. "Could you not do this electronically, everything is filed electronically, and I have so much work to do -"

"Woah." The Hunters had come to a startled, bemused stop, and one of them lifted an appeasing hand. "We're not the IRS."

"I'm -" Alyss caught himself and straightened up. "I'm aware. I just. I'm working. I'm busy."

The other Hunter introduced himself with a bright smile and a firm handshake. He looked like a cowboy out of his element, dirty blond hair in need of a haircut and friendly blue eyes, a powerful, square face with a thin scar over one cheekbone. He was twice as packed in muscle as his companion, who was tawny-eyed, wiry and watchful like a wild animal, his fine black hair dyed a rainbow of colors at the tips. They were both carrying slim backpacks, and from one they pulled a tablet. The blond man, who introduced himself as Lance, did the questioning while his partner, Liam, wrote down Alyss' answers on a tablet. Alyss called for tea for all of them.

The angel's phone buzzed in his pocket, and Alyss smiled faintly at the Hunters, not really hearing what Lance was saying at that one moment.

Don't speak, Jean had told him, in between one fierce kiss and another before he retreated to the lodge's cellar. The vampire couldn't be in the same room as the Hunters; he had a price on his head that would have bought a small Caribbean island, one of the good ones. Your mouth runs away with you when you're stressed, Alyss. And it's always nothing. You keep your secrets better than anyone I've met. But these are Guild Hunters. They might be able to use the noise against you. Don't speak.

"Never heard of an angel in accounting before," Lance admitted conversationally. "Y'all are always doing more... sweeping stuff."

"Oh, I've never wanted to be the sweeping sort," Alyss declared. "I like my job, I like numbers. They behave, unlike people."

Lance snorted in amusement. "So, until Maine you just went from post to post, working books?"

Alyss nodded.

"So why stop here?"

"Evie promised I wouldn't have to deal with people," Alyss replied primly.

Lance barked out a laugh that sounded perfectly honest, and even Liam's mouth twitched as he glowered at his tablet. "Alright. We deserved that one. We'll be out of your hair as soon as we can, I promise."

Their questions were not surprising. Had anything unusual happened while he'd been in Maine? Had Kliman, Gevaun or the others ever behaved strangely? Had he seen new faces among the staff unexpectedly? Had any of the staff disappeared unexpectedly?

"People don't just disappear!" Alyss protested at that question. "Not from an angel's household."

Lance gave him an indulgent grin, but it was Liam who answered, distracted by what he was reading. "All the time, from every place. Angels are no exception."

Alyss huffed but he clung to his silence by basking in the smug feeling of knowing what Liam was trying, and failing, to do. The Hunter had been trying to hack into the angel's computers using proximity and time, and probably the office intranet. Unfortunately for him, Evie had some very interesting young folk working for her out of Cambridge. If he kept trying the Hunter was going to end up with a very fancy slab of dead electronics in his hand. Alyss' phone had not buzzed again, so Liam hadn't even tripped anything past the first level of security.

The Hunters crossed a look. Liam shrugged, and Lance stood up from his lazy slouch. For just a moment, Alyss caught a glimpse of something metal, thin and gleaming under the Hunter's winter coat.

Necklets. They'd come armed to take vampires down.

"Well, I think we've taken up enough of your time," Lance drawled amicably, offering his hand again. "No one else in your staff ever worked with Kliman or Gevaun?"

"They not my staff, they're Evie's," Alyss countered stiffly, though he shook the offered hand. "But I don't think anyone in the house worked for Kliman. Would you like to ask them?"

One of Lance's brows went up. There was no guile to the angel, no deception to his words. A few times his innate awareness, the sixth sense that detected lies when spoken, had tried to buzz, but it hadn't picked up anything really telling. It didn't help that the angel with the amber wings was easily flustered and tremendously literal. 'Sheltered' was the first word that came to mind when the Hunter thought of the accountant; Alyss had worked for some of the worst, most suspicious, least liked of angels in their society, and yet he seemed to have noticed none of his employers' sins. For the angel to be offering such ready access to the people around him could only mean they had nothing to hide, either.

He threw a look at Liam, who shrugged with ill grace. The hacker had been sure he could get into the angel's systems if he could only get close enough to hit the intranet, or an unprotected connection through a printer, a phone, the heating system. Apparently, he'd vastly overestimated his skills. "Just your gal. I imagine she runs the staff for you. Just a couple of questions."

"Of course." Alyss led them out, and Maia perkily, cheerfully, smilingly answered all of Lance's questions as if she'd worked for the accountant since he'd set foot on Massachusetts and not just for about an hour that day. The conversation degenerated into not-so-subtle flirting until Liam cleared his throat pointedly and Lance sighed, leading the way out. At that point, out of his office, Alyss didn't see a reason not to escort the Hunters out. Some part of him was deeply paranoid about those necklets; this was his home, these were, however short-term the loan might be, his people, his staff, his charges.

The day was brightly sunny and an utter lie; as soon as Alyss set a foot outside the cold made him gasp and he wrapped his wings around himself with a huff.

"You cold?" Lance sounded puzzled, and both the Hunters looked surprised. "I thought angels didn't get cold."

"I wish someone had told my parents that. Obviously they missed some important bits during the crafting process."

Liam snorted inelegantly and Lance chuckled, caught off-guard. "Well. Maybe we can help with that." He rummaged through their backpack.

"Oh, you really don't have to, I'm going right back inside, I'm late for my -"

The words died a terrible death as all of Alyss' breath exploded out of him. It wouldn't have been any more efficient if the Hunter had punched him, instead of offering a neat, folded parcel, tied with twine, a single printed page secured atop it. Someone had gone to some effort to set up the package just so, someone had told the Hunter exactly how and when to deliver it. And Alyss had just realized that all of his vampiric protection was still inside the lodge because, after all, their angel was just escorting the Hunters out to their car.

Alyss watched his hands move as if they were someone else's, taking the cloak he'd given to that unknown young vampire, so long ago it seemed, back at the marsh in Kliman's property. It had been washed, pressed, folded. The printout atop it was likely from his mother's social media, both of them somewhere in Belgium; he honestly didn't remember where. It had been winter and she'd been fussing with the clasp and folds of that same cloak, playing the part of doting mother to the camera.

The Hunters said nothing but Alyss realized Liam had moved until he was just at the edge of the angel's field of view, and just out of range of a casual swat of those amber-colored wings.

The necklets hadn't been to capture, Alyss realized. They'd come expecting to fight off vampiric security to get to him.

"Your presence's requested at Archangel Tower," Lance said very, so very calmly.

"I should like to get some things for the trip," Alyss was astonished at how calm he sounded.

"I think we'd all be happier if you went now, and we didn't have to break out the bolos," Lance said in the same even tone.

"I need to let my people know that I'm leaving," Alyss protested.

Lance gave him a long, level look before sighing a little. There was something very like wry amusement in the Hunter's face. "Alyss, that's kinda what we're trying to avoid."

"May I make a phone call? Right here, with you two listening?"

Lance looked at Liam, who shrugged. "Brief," the blond Hunter warned him.

Alyss nodded tightly, and fished his phone out of his pants.

He was already on the network monitor. It was nothing to key in the passcode for the killswitch and hit enter. The tablet in Liam's backpack blared a muffled warning, and the Hunter scrabbled for it.

"What did you do," Lance demanded, surging forward.

Alyss reeled back, dropped his phone, and stepped on it as hard as he could. Then for good measure he kicked the ruin of it into a bank of slushy snow.

"No!" Lance barked, a hand snatching at the angel's throat in a rough, angry grip.

Alyss didn't fight him.

"Fuck!" Liam was examining the tablet. "He fried the network. The whole place's gone dark. Every computer here's now worthless."

"I can't leave for New York with you holding onto me like that," Alyss said hoarsely, and only then did Lance seem to realize the grip he had on the angel. "And I think you better leave before the staff figure out what's happened."

"Raphael's going to have words with you, Alyss," Lance warned him tightly. "No amount of data burn's gonna help you with that."

"I'm aware." Alyss could feel himself shaking, and he knew it was not the cold. "But it's an hour between here and New York, and that's if I don't hit a headwind. An hour can be an eternity if you handle it just right, Hunter."

"It's over. You know that, right?"

"If it truly were over, you wouldn't feel the need to rub my nose into it."

The door to the lodge opened and Maia peeked out. "Alyss?"

"I think you'd better go."

"Lance," Liam called out, his voice tight. "She's the one we saw. There's three more we didn't and one of them smells real fucking old."

Lance ground his teeth angrily before spinning around and hurrying to their car. The Hunters drove away sharply, tires spitting gravel, while Alyss stood very still on the driveway. He was afraid if he moved his legs, which were apparently made of gelatin, were going to dump him on his face upon the muddy shale.

"Alyss?" Maia had rushed out to his side. There was a very black gun on her hands and a decidedly hard expression on her freckled, sunny face.

"I need your phone, please," he croaked, clinging to the cloak for a moment before spreading it out with a sharp snap; the printout of the photograph went fluttering away as he threw it over his wings and settled it on his shoulders. He was unsurprised to find Evie's number on the quick-dial list. "Evie, they know. I don't know how much they know but they know, and it's kind of... It's my fault."

"Alyss, what -"

"I burned the databanks here and fried the communication authorizations. You'll be hearing from all the other safehouses soon. They need to take all their electronic files offline. Now." He stalked into the lodge; the rest of the vampires were beginning to appear from their nondescript hiding places where they'd been pretending to be staff with varying degrees of success.

"But -"

"I have..." Alyss came to a dead stop and felt as if he might faint. "I've been summoned to New York."

"Alright," Evie's voice went taut. "We'll just put you in the system, then. Get you out to China, it's chaos over there -"

"Me? Me!" Alyss leaned against a wall and felt unexplainable laughter bubble up inside him. "How do you suggest I hide the wings and pass myself as someone else? I'm not a vampire, Evie, I can't be someone else, I can't be human, I can't pass. Do you realize what they'd do to the pipeline to get to me?"

"We can't let an archangel get to you, Alyss! They'll rip the pipeline information right out of your head!"

"They will," Alyss felt as if he couldn't breathe. "And it'll do them no good. But you'll have to trust me on that."

"But then how are we supposed to help you!" she cried out.

"You aren't. You're on damage control now, that's all you should be doing. I need to get going -"

"Going where?" Jean's voice demanded.

Alyss closed his eyes for a long moment. This. This had been the reason he'd been trembling, the reason he couldn't catch his breath. There was his vampire, all that was good, all that nearly three hundred years of solitude had been waiting and hoping for, all unknowing.

All taken away in the blink of an eye.

He hung up and gave the phone back to Maia, trying to find something to say, anything to say that would sum up the hundreds of things, of feelings and thoughts that he'd not yet shared with Jean. He'd believed, foolishly, that they'd have forever. But forever had come to a very abrupt halt. Alyss opened his mouth, closed it, opened it and closed it again. He couldn't even turn around to face Jean.

"Say something!" Jean demanded, a plea barely hidden in the words.

"I have to go." Alyss turned to look at him and the rest of the bewildered staff. "Get back to Boston and to Evie. Now." They either trotted or ran to obey him and he rushed into the office.

"Go where? What happened, Alyss?" Jean followed him into the office.

"They know, the Hunters know, so I imagine someone knows, I think they caught one of the vampires from Maine and now they know something, maybe not everything but they know, and they found my cloak so they know about me, at least, and that's not good at all, but -"

"So you're running?"

The fury in the words staggered Alyss as if he'd been punched. Once again he was left breathless, staring at Jean in shock even as the vampire stared at him in disbelief.

"You can't run from this fight, Alyss!"

"I'm not running!"

"Then where are you going?"

He couldn't tell Jean, Alyss realized. Because his vampire would then demand to come with him, and the Archangel would tear him apart. Or hand him over to the Guild. "I'm not running," he repeated.

"It sure fucking looks like you are!" Jean shouted. Nothing in him wanted to believe it. Nothing. His angel was so clever, so bright, so funny, so kind. But if there was one thing Jean had known about Alyss from the beginning was that his sunflower was not a fighter. And four centuries of trauma were rearing up inside him to remind him that angels were cruel, and selfish, and liars. Whispering that the only thing angels were good at was treachery.

You can't run away from every fight that finds you.

I absolutely can, and I absolutely will.

"Do you trust me?" Alyss shouted back.

"I thought I could!"

Jean saw his angel flinch and felt as if someone had dumped him into a cold well. What the hell was he doing? This was his bird, his sunflower, the one who saw him for who he truly was, who he wanted to be. "Alyss, what is going on. That's all I need to know. What. is going. on."

I thought I could. The words had been an unexpected, searing knife cutting right through Alyss. So. He'd been... nothing, in the end. Perhaps not a trophy but likely nothing more than a pleasant diversion. A rope for the vampire to dig himself out from under his past. He should have been angry, Alyss realized, he should have been furious. At least if he'd taken up with one of the suitors his parents had found for him they would have both been honest on where they stood.

But he loved Jean. He loved him no matter what the vampire might feel, or not, for him. It was, the truest part of his brain told him, why it hurt so much to hear those four words. Love doesn't beget love, his father had once told him in the manner of someone handing out deep wisdom. Best not to love at all.

But he did love, Alyss realized. Unwisely, apparently, but he did love. "I don't even know where to begin." Which was a lie, a terrible one. He already knew what he had to do.

"Not running would be a good place." Jean bit back any further words and dragged in a long breath, trying to master his own runaway trauma, knowing it, not him, was the one talking. Already the hurt, lost look in those sweet brown eyes was making him regret everything he'd said and done since he'd barged out of the cellar to the ruckus upstairs. "Alyss, I didn't -"

"I need to talk to Evie," the angel whispered numbly, patting himself down. "I left it... Where did I..."

"I'll get it," Jean said automatically, moving behind the desk to look for the damned phone.

He was still rummaging through folders and paperwork when he heard the door close and lock and for a moment, staring at it, he couldn't believe what he was seeing or what had just happened.

The office was one of two rooms in the lodge that had not been changed overmuch. The stone walls of it and the cellar remained, to a thickness of nearly a foot. There were no windows to the office, only the door, which looked like a gracious oak example of its kind, but wasn't: it was thin oak paneling over a reinforced blast door running on hydraulic hinges. It was a panic room, supposed to protect someone from the wrath of an angry angel, if they ever found out the truth of what the pipeline did.

In a pinch, it was a very good cage for an angry vampire.

Jean leaped over the desk. "No, no, nonono, Alyss! No! What are you - Don't!" He slammed full-force into the door. Unsurprisingly, it didn't budge. "Alyss!"

"I'm not running." His angel's voice was muffled, but no thickness of steel could hide the heartbreak in it. "I wish you could believe that. I wish you did trust me."

"Alyss!" Every old fear and far too many new ones were rising up inside Jean, strangling him, whispering a new, deadly truth: he'd done this. He'd done it to the both of them. He banged on the door. "Alyss!"

"I'll call someone from New York to let you out."

"New York, wha- " Jean abruptly realized there could be only one reason for Alyss to be going to New York. The breadth and depth of his paranoia-driven stupidity staggered him and launched him shoulder-first at the door. "NO!"

But Alyss was no longer there to hear him.

#nalini singh #guild hunter #fanfiction #my writing #fantasy #modern fantasy #urban fantasy #alyss and jean #male on male #angel #vampire

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frances-baby-houseman · 2 years

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A little race recap!

About 2 months ago, I decided to sign up for a half marathon in my town bc I have been running a lot and wanted a challenge! Also many years ago when I ran I struggled to get a 2hour half marathon and I wanted to see if I could do it this year.

So I did some training over the past couple of months and felt pretty good going into the race, if a little nervous bc my training involved a lot of long slow running and it really is hard mentally to translate long slow runs into long fast runs.

The race was on Sunday and the weather was just about as perfect as it gets. 60 degrees, overcast, with a few VERY light showers. I wore bike shorts with pockets, a light weight tank top, and a running hat. This was a good outfit but the bike shorts started to feel heavy by the end. I think next time I'll wear running shorts and either a sports bra with a pocket or a waist belt.

I was in a middle corral and decided to follow a pacing strategy for the first time in my life. A 1:59:59 half marathon is a 9:09 mile, so my goal was first four miles at 9:15-20, next four miles at 9:05, and last 5 miles at whatever I had left in the tank. I wanted to pace myself in particular bc this race has a section that's a .25 mi STEEP downhill on a ravine, immediately followed by running back up the hill, so I knew I'd lose some time there. I really got passed left and right as we took off, but I worked really hard to keep this pacing strategy. I ended up going a little faster, but my first 1/3 was above 9 min miles, so I knew I had some reserves.

The race had great water/electrolytes-- just about every 1.5 miles, so I was glad I didn't wear a hydration belt. I brought honey stinger gels and salt tablets. I picked up my pace a tiny bit around mile 5, which was when I took my first gel. My family was cheering for me at mile 6 AND I passed my coworker right at that same moment, so from then on it was go-time. I picked up my pace to 8:30-8:55-- I didn't want to be wrecked, but I wanted to be pushing the whole time.

TMI WARNING!!! This was a very hilly race, and my mom bladder COULD NOT handle it. It was... leaky. This is a non-issue for me most of the time, but certain times of the month (I think when I'm ovulating?) and I get bloated, I have issues running downhill. And this was very downhill. So that was gross and stressful and honestly I think I lost probably a minute on my time trying to just keep that together. Next time I'll wear period pants and hopefully that will solve the issue (to be clear, this is pee, not period, but the underpants work for anything down there.)

ANYWAY I picked up my pace and just chugged along. Between pacing strategy, nutrition strategy, water strategy, etc., time passed really fast. I kept thinking "I have the pace" like I'm some kind of F1 driver. I got a little cramp around mile 8 and took a salt tablet which cleared it right up! I love those things.

The last 4 miles of this race are brutal-- you go through a military base that's just so narrow and boring. Also, it's a road race and the road is slightly domed, so my right hip was screaming bc it was always on the downhill side of the road. I was trying to run in the middle of the road as much as I could to even things out, or even on the left side to balance my hips a little. That part was hard! I took one more gel at mile 11, since I knew the race was hilly at the end and I wanted to push. I knew that I was on track to run under 2, so I was feeling pretty good. Honestly the only bad part was the bladder stuff-- I was really worried about it!! I could have definitely gone faster if I wasn't worrying about peeing myself. SORRY THIS IS GROSS! HUMAN BODIES ARE WONDERFUL AND DISGUSTING!

Anyway I made it to the end and was very excited to see I finished at 1:56:46. By far my best half time and I wasn't gassed at all-- I could shave off a minute or so in hindsight.

So that was great! It was a great race and I had so much fun and was really in the zone the whole time. I realized that I wasn't even conscious of what music was playing in my headphones-- the time just passed!

And then my family was at the end and Joseph immediately needed my water bottle bc he was thirsty and that was that. Back to normal! It was great and I can't wait to run another one in the fall.

#sarah beth runs

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flintoaster · 2 years

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So I'm having bloating from my "two weeks of torture" (thats what i call my period bc the week before, during and after is when i get cramps and joint pain and back pain and apparently bloating now) but nobody told me it was this painful? Like i thought it was cramps but the ibuprofen did nothing and the heating pad did nothing so... 🤷

But i looked on tiktok for help for the pain but everyone's upset abt how they look like mans i dont care if i look ugly as fuck bc this hurts 😫 like i have to deal with period symptoms/uterus owner symptoms for 2 weeks every month and i dont care what i look like cuz i always look fab even though I'm in IMMENSE PAIN so.

Anyways, does anyone else get joint pain on ut period, or just me?

#periods #menstrual #people who menstruate #menstruation #bloating #period cramps #dying inside #painnnn #but at least i look fab

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halleymacleod666 · 2 years

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Day 8

Metabolism day:

Calories eaten: 3067 kcal

Calories burned: 1000 kcal

Total: 2067 kcal

So I ate a shit ton of food today but it was all healthy and I measured and counted everything, plus I worked out a lot and the total calories are around my maintenance, might be a bit over but I'm fasting for at least 3 or 4 whole days, it's Monday 5 pm now and on Friday 5pm i can decide to either to break my fast or keep on going. If I do break my fast before this week ends then the calorie limit is max 500 a day and then next week I'll have to do high restriction because it's the week before my period and I don't wanna binge and I also wanna keep my period so I'm gonna be eating higher calories (myb 1200-1500) from next Monday to Sunday, but I'll also be working out regularly.

Anyway I wouldn't clasify today as a binge because it wasn't just me mindlessly stuffing my face, I had more control and all the food was super super healthy and I got like 3 times as many nutrients as my body needs just from the food. I do feel kinda bad tho because I ate a lot of volume and now I'm bloated and feel sick and my head hurts from working out. But I think that's bc I wasn't really able to properly workout for a week so it's a shock to my body to do 2 hours of workouts and I've been low restricting so the huge amount of food is probably also a shock.

I'm so glad i ate healthy tho cause the junk food only makes you crave more and more and you can never have enough, I fucking hate it. God damn food industry. I still crave the chips and shit but it's a craving i can resist and the more time passes by the more I'll be able to resist the junk food. It's like when people are addicted to cigaretes; they try to quit, have 1 after a while and before they know it they are back deep into the addiction, it's the same with food, once you get a taste it's sending you back, the key is to never start.

#tw ed rant #anorexik #eating disoder things #ed diet #meanspp #model thin #thinner is better #tw ana thoughts #tw ed diet #eating problems

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hospitalterrorizer · 2 months

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diary158

2/19-20/2024

monday - tuesday

ate toast and feel sick-ish.

i wish there were no foods that made me feel bloated. it's such an unpleasant feeling. food is stupid basically and i do wish pretty often that i just wouldn't have to eat it.

anyway, the videos about blowdrying my bangs were good they will make me at least 10% less crazyyyyy, that's just a little treat for me, inside my own head, i don't have to want to cut my head off anymore or whatever histrionic fantasies i get over feeling uggy.

i know i'm making myself sound like i'm doing badly but i'm actually basically fine rn, i'm exporting a song to see how it is now, this one's a bit tougher to mix, the bass is just a little too much rn. so i'm hoping to alleviate that.

i over-corrected but that's easy i suppose to come back on.

tonight i am really feeling the desire to play a yume nikki fangame, i guess because of the pixel art i've been doing, which i think i'll take a break on tonight, not that it takes long, but i don't want to get really burnt out, i'm already tired today, idk why. i guess work does that to you. it's just been so long since i've worked shifts like this, meaning night shifts, or later, shifts, idk. all that matters is that today i am sleepy earlier than usual.

idk, i think i will stop on the song now, and honestly i would play something but i think i am just too tired rn, we'll see. i guess i will try.

i had fun meeting this guy, in withers.

i am super sleepy now but i have at least one thought re: yume nikki and its various kin, which, particularly in yn's case, the evocation of dada and surrealist elements feels not like a mere effort to copy/use those to seem interesting, but done w/ an awareness of those periods and the goals and methods, for instance all the ne-primitivism in the games (esp. evident in the style, the use of pixel art to bridge all kinds of gaps, pixel art to embrace messy/strange kinds of drawing), that kind of thing, stuff that feels like explicit references and using abject mixtures (toriningen specifically being so evidently constructed), as well as the defamiliarized urban environment/uncanniness of social relations when they do occur (standing, staring, basically, and waiting rooms + train rides being the common motifs w/ being around 'others' (and they are all so other to you)), the games basically recall like, beyond dali (not the most exciting reference point imo) more out there moments in surrealism, w/ the downgraded photography used as backgrounds, the evident/excessive use of collage, it evokes this sort of work by man ray, in a way:

another fangame i'm really really fond of is this one called yuque, here are some of my favorite things you can see in it:

i really love the sweets world, in this one, it goes for less primitive and more oddly perverse, esp. with the way those rooms feel so retro and 60s-70s filtered thru that kind of pixel art + body horror, again, the games feel like they contain a lot of very vital and weird updating on surrealism as a way to engage w/ the world/not cut off from its potential for politics/a political mode that enables one to see/surface/engage with immediate surroundings/history and what was buried and ignored, the abjectified pieces of our immediate pasts and surroundings, and use them/turn them into things we have to engage with, rather than petty aesthetics.

anyway, i am sleepyyy, so,

byebye!!!!!!!

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abcdosaka · 6 months

Text

the life update 2.0

the unformatted stream of consciousness edition

i started working on monday. it's alright, been connecting with ppl, not being overly shy but i'm still adjusting to actually working 8 hours straight bc i've been doing legit nothing for 5 months straight. the people at my workplace are nice enough especially the ladies like there's one who i was lowkey scared of bc she kinda has a rbf and just looks so girlboss and professional but i messaged her and we talked and she's actually really nice :) anyway i've had enough work experience being the new guy and onboarding online that i'm not as scared as i would've been + i already know people at this company so i can kinda show my worth from the start

i got my period on friday and i was fucked up yesterday and today from cramps/headache so i got barely anything done so i need to do some work tmr cry T_T i need to remember work is not school i can't just procrastinate everything and i should actually work during and only during work hours. i give myself a pass though bc friday was just awful. also i was supposed to learn python before i started working but i didn't but idk feel like i can wing it there. i already know r and i learned java in highschool so it might actually be a breeze not to toot my own horn but i'm like pretty smart so

it feels like my pms (except its not really pre- more like first/second day of period) symptoms are getting worse the older i get. sometimes the symptoms are okay but more of them are just awful than not. i get really nasty headaches and intense fatigue for one, really bad cramps, joint pain and lower back pain, sometimes my boobs swell up and are really tender (compared to the normal level of tender), i'm either very irritable or sad, i feel like i can't eat and i'm bloated or gassy, i'm like constipated but i also need to shit all the time. like i cannot focus with these conditions. i couldn't this week bc its legit my first week lmao but i might start taking sick days for really bad periods. also maybe bc i took a walk before i started work but my allergies were REALLY bad all day

idk if it's my body aging (which is crazy bc i'm not even 23) or if it's bc i don't exercise as much as i should but idk i still do, like yes i do sit on my ass a LOT but i use the exercise bike a couple times a week and i lift a little bit (not as much as i used to). i haven't been able to go swimming in a while bc i think i had a uti (i didn't bother going to the doctor bc i've gotten 2 in like the last year and i hate taking antibiotics so i was like man lets just wait this out) and now i'm on my period. but other than that i swim pretty frequently.

the only issue w me is i'm a homebody but thats just bc i have almost no friends in my city lmao. esp since n has moved. (i kinda wanna call her but idk our in person chats are always so much better than calls like slight tangent but i can never hear her on the phone lmao)

honestly not mad at it like. did we only talk to each other out of circumstance? i think it's just a fact of life that most of our friends are borne from necessity at work school etc but once that ends only a few of them, maybe 1 or 2, will really stick around. but still like most ppl from uni i just don't think i'll ever talk to again and i wonder if that should matter to me or not. ngl sometimes the loneliness hits me but i don't think i've really lost my social skills in fact i think i've gotten a lot better compared to this time last year like sept 2022 - april 2023 was just a downward spiral for my social skills everything was so hard and my anxiety was prob the worst it had ever been and i wasn't very forgiving of myself. maybe bc i spend a lot of time at home but also i just don't really have a hard time talking to randos on games or in shops or whatever now. idk maybe i give less of a shit now or maybe my solitude is making my ego rise like it tends to.

i heard that was a thing, like if you spend too much time alone your sense of self becomes insanely inflated or deflated there is no middle ground. kinda facts like people are weird

but anyways i feel, for the most part, pretty chill these days. i think i could stand up for myself better now vs in the past. i texted sp again to say like "we should make plans" but i set up the last plan and like i drove her home last time too and we met at this kinda lame plaza bc she had an errand nearby so if she doesn't start the convo this time then i legit can't be arsed like i'll never talk to her again bc i'm gonna return the same effort i get. in fairness she told me that work is really exhausting for her and her commute is ridiculous like she lives by fucking farmland and has to take public transit everywhere bc she doesn't have a car. but we've never been close and i don't think our sense of humour or what we're interested in is all that similar so i get why she's not feelin it honestly me neither. no hard feelings but i will drop her tho.

holy shit this post is loooonggg. i'm not even done writing about shit but i think thats it for the life stuff so i'll make a new one

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gbgamebun · 1 year

Text

Road to Cream 64 v1 Part 6-1: All These Bangers and You Chose Lost World?

Boy oh boy, finally getting to this part: the new soundtrack. Before going on about the stuff above, I wanna mention that I consider myself lucky to get started with this hack around the time streaming audio was a lot easier to implement to hacks.

The process before was to either a) grab a midi from anywhere, mostly like vgmusic.com and try to convert it to the mario 64 soundfont. or b) grab an existing converted sequence, or .m64, file and place it in your hack under the right soundbank. You were limited to what was out there but I mean it saved you from figuring out how to fiddle with soundbanks and midi stuff.

Streaming audio did way with that. Thanks to a tool called sm64-audio-manager, all you had to do is figure out your loop point and compression and it would automatically place it in your decomp. Course, the one drawback to streaming audio was size: your rom will slowly bloat with each track you add. Compression does help a lot, but you're still at the mercy of keeping it under 64 megs (well if you're doing it for N64). If you're a sane hacker, then this is not a problem. Sadly, I ain't one of those people, as you can see above.

As for my selection, I just had a few rules. 1) avoid the most chiptuney tracks which meant no direct Genesis or GBA tracks. Why exactly I added this initially I think was just so that I had something that sounded crisp cause I didn't know what the compression could do. Honestly sounds like a bad excuse looking back and I threw out this rule for v2.

The second rule was try to vary up the soundtrack if possible. Use as many games from this franchise and not stick to specifically one game for too long. This ended up being more problematic cause of one particular Sonic game being way too close to Mario and skewing my choices.

youtube

File Select: Sonic Jam - Game Select & Museum

As you can see in the google sheet, File Select was originally meant to be Game Select from Sonic Jam. The only reason for the change was to save on space to get things under 64 MBs. This could've been easily solved with using a lower the Hz for the songs but nope, keep things all at 32k Hz, don't ever consider dropping it.

Anyway, the reason this track was chosen was it was the only midi on vgmusic.com for Sonic Jam that fit. Heck, I think it's the only midi for that game period on that site. But hey, it does work.

youtube

Peach Castle: Sonic Adventure 2 - Hero Garden

This was a friend's suggestion since initially I was just looking at normal hubs like Station Square, which was actually the first song I tried as a test. Pretty relaxing and suited Cream cause chao stuff, it made sense. It does get changed down the line but for reasons I'll explain whenever I talk about the PC version.

youtube

Bob-Omb Battlefield: Nights: Journey Into Dreams - Eloquent Echo: Fluffy Catch

Choosing a song for what is considered the default grass stage was kind of tough cause Sonic has a bunch of those. So I just asked around and same friend as before gave me this track. Having only played a teeny bit of the Wii Nights I had no real idea what I was end for but it did sound pretty good for this level.

Not like the original track was any less fitting for a stage about a battlefield so it stuck with it. I've had thought of swapping it out for something from the original Nights for v5 but only time will tell I guess.

youtube

Whomp Fortress: Sonic Adventure - Windy Hill (Windy Valley 1)

This was one of those I had in my head playing when figuring out tracks. The stage was already in the sky and while not built on a mountain, some terrain did fit. Honestly, the first and third part of Windy Valley could fit and in v4 I would eventually make that change.

youtube

Jolly Roger Bay: Sonic CD - Tidal Tempest (JP/EU)

This was one of those that made too much sense, especially when you enter the level for the first with all the fog everywhere. It was also here that I learned that there's not a lot of slow paced water tracks in Sonic, so I'm at least glad I had a few to work with here for this and DDD.

youtube

Cool, Cool Mountain: Sonic Runners - Magical Snow Day Actually Used: Sonic Lost World - Snowball Waltz

Ahh, Sonic Runners, wish you didn't die an early death but such is life I guess. There was a lot of incredible tracks and shame they all died with this gacha. This was something I personally wanted cause I enjoyed the upbeat melody to help counteract how frustrating this level can be.

It never made it into the final v1, being replaced with a track from Sonic Lost World, Snowball Waltz. I wanna say the reason was that Runners tracks are generally pretty lengthy before they reach a logical loop point so that was just bloating the rom. Just an unfortunate casually to my laziness for proper compressing.

youtube

Big Boo's Haunt: Sonic Heroes - Hang Castle Merry-Go-Round: Knuckles' Chaotix - Child's Song

It's funny to think that BBH is the level that's gotten the most music changes in all these updates, but this was the original one I started with. The way I had it looped was that it would start with the reverse track before going to the normal track and it just loops the normal track till you get the vanish cap in which case it starts from the beginning again. Maybe that's why I swapped it, it's hard to say.

I've had thought of brining it back but doing a proper loop of just the normal track and using the reverse for the merry-go-round. Depends on how well I can pull it off. For the Merry-Go-Round, I wanted that still felt uneasy but also short cause you're hardly there and someone suggested this. It's funny that this song would influence me to change the main level track for v2 cause of it's similarities but that'll wait for another day.

Well I hit the video limit so we shall continue this in Part 2 ->

#super cream 64 #sc64 #road to cream 64 #romhack #super mario 64 #soundtrack #sonic adventure #sonic jam #sonic cd #sonic heroes #knuckles chaotix #sonic runners #sonic lost world #bangers #Youtube

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tracfone · 2 years

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hihihi i’m looking to switch to an android soon but there are so many options it’s so overwhelming, i was wondering if you had any opinions on brands or specific phones,,, idk why i’m asking you this i just feel like u have more Knowledge than me dhdhdj<3

Oof okay so I'm no expert here, but i HAVE had an unreasonable amount of phones throughout my lifetime (please do not be impulsive like my younger self i spent so much money on phones because i was obsessed. Do not be Me okay), so i definitely have Opinions™️. I'll try and help you out--

So really it depends on 1) how much money you're able/willing to spend and 2) what kind of features you care about. Personally i wouldn't recommend any android phone cheaper than $200, because they tend to be slow right out of the box and degrade extremely quickly. I have not had an android thus far that hasn't declined in battery life/speed after a year of owning it, but then again, that was before i had the money and autonomy to get myself anything better than hand-me-downs and free carrier phones. Flagships are also not worth it imo, as they tend to overcharge for specs you can get out of a midrange phone. Midrange really is the way to go, imo

My personal recommendation, though? Get a Motorola phone

This is the one i have right now, the moto g stylus 2021. I've had mostly good experiences with this brand. The battery life is excellent across the board (also they have turbocharging!!), and you get some pretty good specs for the money (mine is 4gb of ram with 128gb of storage. It cost $229 when i purchased it). Mostly i got it for the stylus so i could draw on the go; it's not the most precise (though it is more accurate than those cheap fat rubber tip styluses that you can find at dollar stores), but it does a pretty good job all things considered. My only complaint is the CAMERA....

When i bought this device i thought that the 48 megapixels meant that i would be getting a stellar camera but it....is....not lol.... it's barely better than my first Smartphone in everything but resolution, the colors are so washed out and gross and it's hard to get a non-blurry shot. Genuinely i don't know what happened, because the Motorola droid devices i had years ago had great cameras, but this is awful. I don't know anything about cameras unfortunately so you'll have to look that up yourself. Just watch a few reviews. But if you don't care about photo quality then this is an excellent value

Also, i recommend getting an unlocked phone just in case you want to switch carriers but keep your phone. If you don't care about that though or you're not the one paying the phone bill, mobile carriers very frequently have deals on midrange/cheap phones, especially if you're around your upgrade period (~every 2 years if you're on a carrier contract/leasing your phone from them), so potentially you could get a nice little device for free. One of my droids was a free upgrade from Verizon and that was a very nice phone

On the flipside i actually have a lot to wax poetic about regarding apple, even though this post is not about them....the durability and longevity of their devices are unmatched; you can have a phone from them from 6 years ago with minimal slowdown (though they stop releasing OS updates for old models eventually, but it takes a bit). Even though you can get better specs for your money elsewhere, their products are very optimized--idk how they do it. Camera quality is reliably good too. Also they have facetime which I'm pretty sure is one of the only HIPAA-compliant video apps left, and unfortunately in terms of privacy, you'd be hard-pressed to find better elsewhere......if you get an Android you get much better value but it's Google so y'know. There are downsides to both here

In terms of brands i DON'T recommend?? Samsung. Not worth it for the money for their flagships, and last i heard their operating system is bloated with ads. Like the kindle fire. Gross. Their cameras are pretty good, though

Anyways, i hope that at least answered some of your questions. I kind of got carried away here lol...this used to be my special interest so i have a lot of useless phone data in my brain

#more specifically my useless knowledge was memorizing numbers and prices of phone plans #yeah it wasn't anything super useful unless you worked in sales lol #forgot i actually had non-media special interests for a sec there

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spinningintheshadows · 3 years

Text

Jeep Shirt (2)

Three years after 'Stupid Fucking Jeep Shirt' you and JJ's lives get more complicated.

Warnings and stuff: angst, fluff, no adult content. Sad JB, mentions of abortion, JJ reacting badly to finding out he's gonna be a dad, then redeeming himself. Hey, lets have a wedding! Rafe Redemption arc (gaaaaay), Rose and Ward are in Jail. Non-graphic mentions of childbirth (JJ passes out because of course he does). JB is kind of a dumbass but we still love him. this is super long i'm not sorry.

“Seriously JJ? That’s my sister”

You groaned, rolling over to rub the sleep from your eyes to see your brother standing in the doorway.

Your head was pounding because once again, you’d drank too much at the kegger last night.

“JB, you are being very loud. We just fell asleep it’s fine.”

“Oh you fell asleep naked with his dick half in you?”

“I’m literally almost 21, John B.”

“You’re fucking my best friend!”

“Hell yeah I am. He’s good at what he does.”

“Get out of his room, now!”

Your brother slammed the door behind him, making your boyfriend groan beside you.

“You’d think that after three years he’d be used to seeing my dick around you”

“Maybe it’s time to move out, J”

He opened his eyes at your statement.

You’d always said you didn’t really feel comfortable living by yourself or with a partner if you weren’t married.

And as much as the sandy haired twenty two year old beside you was in love with you, he was still unsure if he saw marriage in his future despite already having purchased a ring.

“Are you sure about that, pretty girl?”

“I’d just like some privacy, without my brother walking in on us after we’ve fucked”

“What about your thoughts of living on your own or with me?”

“I don’t know. I’m gonna go take a shower”

You unwrapped yourself from JJs body, getting up and walking towards the bathroom.

Things between you and JJ had been weird for the last week or so, but you figured it was almost that time of the month and it was gonna be a bad one.

Mostly because you didn’t have one the month before.

Or honestly, the month before that one when you couldn’t get your pills on time.

You started thinking, fear filling your gut.

Were all your pre period symptoms something else?

“John B!”

“What?”

“Where is your wife?”

“She went grocery shopping.”

“Fuck”

“Whats up?”

“We’re out of tampons.”

“Gross”

“Dude, you’re literally married. You have a sister, you have been exposed to this since you were 14.”

When your brother didn’t answer, you pulled your phone out and sent a text to your sister in law.

‘Sarah. 911. Pregnancy test. Please.’

‘You need one?’

‘Yes.’

‘Gotcha.’

‘Oh and tampons because I told my brother I needed you because I was out.’

‘Nice play, Y/N’

“You okay baby?”

JJ’s voice scared the shit out of you.

You nodded, moving to take off his t shirt that still clung to your body.

“Have you gained weight?”

“It’s just period bloat, asshole. I’m getting ready to start.”

“Good I was beginning to think you might be pregnant.”

“I’m on the pill JJ.”

“I know, but things happen. I don’t want kids, Y/N,M. We’re barely in our twenties.”

“I know, J.”

Truth be told, the words stung.

Here you were, worrying that you were pregnant

And he’d just straight up told you he didn’t want kids.

“Get out of the bathroom so I can shower.”

“I can’t shower with you?”

“I want to be alone.”

He frowns but walks out anyway.

You sit in the shower for a good thirty minutes, knowing your brother is gonna kill you for using all the hot water, but your mind is spinning and you can barely stand up.

Of course, Sarah comes to the rescue, having shoved the test in her purse and grabbing the box of tampons while making the boys carry in the groceries.

“Y/N? It’s me.”

“You can come in.”

“How late are you, sweetie?”

“My last period was in January.”

“Y/N It’s April.”

“I know. But I’ve been stressed with school and work and I didn’t think anything of it.”

“Well now it’s time to pee on a stick”

She waits with you while you take the test

John B comes to the door to ask what you’re doing and she shoos him away explaining it’s a girl thing

And your brother is kind of a dumbass even though he’s been legally married since he was eighteen, so he just leaves you guys to it.

Finally, you work up the nerve to look at the test

You audibly gasped when there were two pink lines staring at you.

“Sarah, I can’t do this.”

“I’m all for the woman's right to choose, Y/N. You need to tell JJ, though.”

“I can’t tell him. He straight up told me that he doesn’t want kids this morning.”

“You trust me?”

“Yeah.”

Before you can realize what’s happening, she’s outside the bathroom yelling.

“JOHN JAMES MAYBANK GET YOUR ASS IN THE BATHROOM.”

John B comes around the corner confused and asks what’s going on.

She tells him it doesn’t concern them and drags him out the front door.

JJ walks into the bathroom a few minutes later.

“What’s going on? Why is Sarah using my full name”

“I’m only telling you as a courtesy, JJ.”

“What?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“That’s really funny, Y/N. Nice joke.”

“I’m serious JJ.”

“How? You’re on the pill.”

“Well my last period was in January, so do the math.”

“The insurance change.”

“Mhm.”

“You’re gonna get rid of it?”

“Obviously, JJ! You told me you don’t want kids. And I know it’s got everything to do with your dad, but for the record I don’t think you’re anything like him”

With that, you storm out of the bathroom, going to the bedroom you practically shared with JJ and packed a bag.

You slammed the front door behind you as you walked out to your car, throwing your bag in and getting in, only pausing when your brother came over.

“I’m going to the mainland for a few days, JB. I’ll be safe. Should be back by Friday.”

“You don’t have to go get an abortion, Y/N.”

“Yeah, I do. I’m not going to be a single mother, JB. It’s what's best for both of us. I want him out of my room by the time I get back, though.”

You could see your brother frown even though the sun was glaring on you both.

“Y/N, you know I’m gonna support you no matter what, right? If it’s what you want, then so be it, but I think you’re being a little harsh on JJ.”

“You weren’t there this morning, John B. You didn’t hear him tell me straight up that he never wants kids, while I was internally freaking out that I might be pregnant.”

When he didn’t reply, you got in your car and sped off to catch the ferry.

John B, forever trying to fix what relationship he had with his sister, walked back inside the Chateau, seeing red.

JJ knew he was going to get yelled at, despite the fact he was teetering on the edge of a panic attack.

“You told her you never want kids? Did I not just help you pick out a ring for my sister?”

“JB, I can’t do this right now.”

“We have to do this right now, you motherfucker, I looked past it when you fucked my sister the first time, because you said you loved her. I have supported your relationship for three fucking years, JJ! And now, my sister is going to the mainland to have an abortion, because you don’t want kids, ever. She told me to have you out of the bedroom by the time she got back on Friday!”

“JB, I can’t breathe.”

“You’re lucky I’m not making sure you stop breathing completely, JJ!”

“JB!”

Sarah had followed her husband into the house.

“JB, he can’t breathe. He’s having a panic attack. You need to calm down. Go outside.”

“He hurt my sister, Sarah.”

“And he’s having a panic attack. You standing here screaming at him isn’t helping. Go”

Defeated, John B walked outside.

“JJ you can fix this, you know.”

“I don't know how. She hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you, she’s scared and pregnant and her boyfriend told her didn’t want kids in an offhand comment this morning”

“I can’t be a dad, Sarah, I can’t risk it. I can’t risk being like him.”

“You are not your dad, John James. Your dad cares about where he’s getting his next beer and his next high. He hasn’t ever truly loved someone in his life. You? JJ, you love with your whole body. I’ve seen it, not just Y/N, either. You love her with your whole being, you love your friends, this family you built, with your whole chest.”

“That doesn’t mean I’ll be a good dad, Sarah.”

“But it does JJ. You’ll see your baby for the first time, this tiny human that is half you and half Y/N, and you will love him or her so fiercely you won’t be able to believe you ever doubted yourself.”

“I need to go after her”

“She’s probably halfway to the mainland”

“I’m going.”

“Okay”

JJ didn’t make it to the mainland until the next morning.

But he’d spent all night awake, imagining what your kid would look like

And if him actually being a dad was the right choice.

Of course he decided, you were the only person he’d ever want to experience that with, no matter your ages.

You were sitting outside your hotel when he came running down the street.

“Y/N! You don’t have to do this.”

“I can’t do it JJ. I’m 14 weeks, it’s not worth the complications. I’m just gonna have her and give her up.”

“Her?”

“It’s still early, but the doctor at the clinic said she was in the right position to see she was a girl. I just need you to sign the papers and give the okay for the adoption agency.”

“Or we can go home, move into this little two bedroom apartment I found right off the beach, paint the second bedroom any color but hurt your eyes pink, buy a crib, and bring our daughter home there.”

“I can’t force you to be a dad, JJ. You don’t want kids.”

“No, I thought I didn’t want kids. But I do, as long as it’s with you. If it was any other person in the world, I would still be in the obx, but it’s not. It’s you, I can’t promise I am gonna be the best dad in the world, but I can promise I won’t be him. I can promise you that I will love our daughter with my whole being, just like I love you. If you just come home.”

“And what about my thoughts about living together unmarried.”

“Well besides the fact that we skipped a step, I will take you to the courthouse as soon as we get back home, if that’s what you want. If you want to wait, that’s fine too, just as long as you say yes”

You stared at him.

Was he proposing to you right now?

You watched him pull the ring box out of his pants pocket

He was proposing right now

“JJ”

“Look, this isn’t how I planned to do this. I was going to take you out to a nice restaurant for our anniversary and I was gonna do it there. I was going to tell you how I love you more than the moon and the stars, more than the ocean loves the shoreline but I fucked up, and I want to fix that. Y/N, will you marry me?”

“JJ. Are you sure this is what you want?”

“Marrying you? I’ve never been so sure in my life. I’ve got time to come around to the dad thing. And it will happen, I’m just processing.”

“Okay. I’ll marry you,”

“But I want you to know that I’m asking you because I love you, not because of the baby”

“I know”

He moves to slip the ring on your finger and kisses you softly.

“Let’s go home”

It’s late when you get home, with spring break traffic clogging the highway and ferry

But your brother is sitting on the couch with a beer in his hand looking nervous.

And your sister in law is trying to get him to go to bed.

“JB”

Your voice is barely a whisper, but he hears you, turning to look at you.

He’s been crying, and you can tell by the redness around his eyes.

“Y/N”

You drop JJs hand, walking over to the couch and wrapping your arms around your brother.

JJ and Sarah don’t say anything, they don’t have to

You’re exactly 11 months apart in age, you guys have literally been together your entire lives

And the last few years of your life, all you’ve had is each other.

And right now? You just need the comfort of laying in your big brother's arms.

You don’t even notice when they leave the room, going to their respective bedrooms.

He doesn’t say anything for a while, just laying on the couch with his sister in his lap.

He does finally notice the ring on your hand.

“You said yes”

“I did.”

“You both deserve all the happiness in the world”

“Thanks JB”

“Mhm”

“JB?”

“Hmm?”

“I’m still pregnant”

“Thank god.”

You sit up long enough to dig into your backpack for the strip of ultrasound photos and hand them to him

“Your niece.”

“Niece huh?”

“Well, according to the ultrasound tech.”

“Just what the world needs, a female John James Maybank”

“You know what? I’m gonna remember that when you have your first daughter”

“My children are destined to be like their mother, Thank you. You just happen to act like your children’s father half the time”

You laugh, playfully smacking your brother on the chest.

“I was.. y/n, I was really beating myself up about letting you go, you know? I know I said I’d support you but like, part of me just wanted to be like stay, have the baby, and we’ll raise it like the village we are. It’s how we were raised and we turned out okay.”

“JB, I have a feeling that’s exactly how it’s going to happen. Especially when all of us have kids. We’ll have a babysitting schedule and huge family dinners. But first, we got a wedding to plan. and soon, because I want to be married before this kid comes”

“We can have it at Sarah’s parents house. I guess it’s really our house now since they’re y’know, in prison”

“I don’t want anything fancy, JB. Hell we can do it on the dock, in jeans and a t shirt and I wouldn’t care”

Your brother held back a laugh

He knew you

And how you’d always dreamed of the white wedding dress in front of your family

And just because he didn’t do the big wedding, having just gone to the courthouse, didn’t mean he was gonna let you do the same.

In fact, he’d been saving to help you get your dream wedding since he’d started working at 16.

“I’m sorry, Y/N, but I know you. You guys pick a day, we’ll clear it on the schedule, and Sarah will take you to get a dress. Pregnant or not, you’re getting your dream wedding”

“Okay then. I’m going to bed.”

“Good idea. Good night”

“Night JB”

JJ was sitting on the bed scrolling through his phone when you finally made your way to the bedroom only looking up to smile at you when you came in.

As soon as you were changed into your preferred pajamas, aka his shirt and a pair of leggings, he opened his arms to you.

You happily crawled in bed with him, wrapping your body around him.

“Not gonna be able to do this much longer, J”

“When she gets to big to do this, we’ll just find a better position to cuddle”

“Mkay.”

“So my curious mind got away from me. Do you have any idea how much a baby costs in the first year”

“No?”

“Up to $20,000. That’s a lot of money for a small human.”

“Well formula is super expensive, so I was planning on breastfeeding and pumping.”

“Diapers are expensive”

“But then there’s one time costs too, J. Like a crib, stroller, car seat. And we’ll get a lot of what we need for her with a baby shower.”

“It’s still a lot of money, Y/N”

“I know, but we’ll make it work. I can go back to work as soon as I’m released. JB has already offered to babysit.”

“I don’t wanna worry about it right now. We’ve got time”

“J, you know you get a raise before she’ll be here right? You make good money now but you’ll have your 5 years of experience in before shes even here, baby”

“Doesn’t stop me from worrying, Y/N”

“JB wants us to pick a day to go to Tannyhill and get married.”

“Whenever you want. I know you want to do it before shes here”

“Would two weeks be too soon?”

“Just enough time for me to find a suit, pretty girl.”

When you woke up the next morning, you let John B know that you had picked Saturday, May 3rd as your wedding day.

Since Sarah was off that day, she offered to take you to the mainland to start the dress search.

“Cmon, Y/N, I know a place that sells the most gorgeous dresses designed for pregnant women.”

“That’s a little weird, Sarah”

“Shut up John B, that blue dress you like so well is from there.”

“Okay S, we can go. Just let me tell J I’m leaving”

You walked back to your bedroom, where your fiancé was just waking up to let him know.

He looked up at you groggily, reaching up pull you down to kiss you before you left

Of course, you found your dress almost immediately.

It was white, lace, and stretched so you’d be able to wear it your entire pregnancy

Sarah, living through you, demanded she buy you a few more things because she’d read you’d start showing pretty quickly in the second trimester.

And of course, you trusted her, so you let her dress you up and pick outfits for you.

Finally, you got back to the chateau to find JJ with his head in his hands at the dining room table.

“What’s up J?”

“We’re gonna have to postpone the wedding.”

“J, what are you talking about?”

“My boss, he told us today that we’re working overtime for the next three weeks, pretty girl. Seven days a week, all day. We need the money for her.”

“We don’t need to postpone the wedding, J.”

“I’m not gonna be able to get a day off to get married.”

“Then we’ll get married when you get off that day.”

“I’m gonna work until like 5pm, pretty girl.”

“And you can come home, take a shower, get dressed and meet me at Tannyhill at 8 pm. It’s just gonna be us and the pogues anyway, Pope is gonna officiate. My brother just has this idea that I deserve my white wedding.”

“You deserve the biggest wedding on the island.”

“But I’m gonna have everyone I need there.”

“Okay.”

“C’mon, lets go to the bedroom, I’ll show you what Sarah picked out for me.”

You tug him up, dragging him to your room.

“This one makes me look pregnant, but it’s kind of cute.”

You walk out of the closet, wearing the shirt and leggings your sister in law picked out for you.

You could definitely tell there was a bump starting to form underneath it, and JJ?

He was absolutely amazed by that.

You could see tears prick up in his eyes as he stared at you, almost like it hit him suddenly.

Because honestly?

It did.

It hit him right then that there was a third person involved in your relationship now.

A third person who was going to rely on him for everything in a few months.

Right now, she was safe, growing inside of you but come October?

She’d depend on both of you for everything.

“C’mere pretty girl.”

You walked towards him, watching him slowly place his hands on your ever so slightly protruding belly.

“You okay, J?”

“It’s just. It hit me.”

“Oh?”

“We’re having a baby.”

Without saying anything, he pressed a kiss just where the bump started to curve.

“I know this sounds stupid and you can’t hear me yet but I promise you, I’m gonna be the best daddy you could ask for, okay? I’m gonna make sure you never wonder where your next meal comes from. I’m gonna make sure you never feel afraid to tell me anything. I’m gonna love you unconditionally, okay?”

Tears were in your eyes now.

How was this the same man who told you he didn’t want kids?

You rarely saw JJ’s vulnerable side, but here he was sharing it openly with you.

You moved to cup his face, making him look up at you.

“I love you.”

“I love you more.”

That night, when you were in bed, he was playing with your hair.

“Hey Y/N?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you still want to name your first daughter Juniper? I know it sounds weird to ask that, but I remembered that today. It’s been like six years since you said that.”

“Actually, JJ, I do. I just thought we’d wait to decide when I was farther along.”

“Well as far as I’m concerned, she has a name.”

“You think?”

“The more I think about it, the more it just feels right to me.”

“I imagine this little blonde girl, y’know.”

“Oh me too. With your curls and my dimples. The name Junie just keeps sticking in my head.”

“That’s a cute nickname.”

“Mhm.”

So it was decided that night that you’d name your daughter Juniper Adaline Maybank.

-----

By the time your wedding day rolled around, you barely saw JJ during the day.

You’d moved into the apartment a week ago, but it was still weird being away from your brother.

Mostly at night when he’d come home exhausted from work and just want to hold you in his arms and talk to your daughter like she could hear him.

You could definitely tell that you weren’t just getting fat, and that there was a reason behind it.

JJ left for work that morning, and you headed out with Sarah, who was determined to have a girls day before you vowed yourself to John James Maybank that evening.

She took you to get your nails and hair done then out for lunch.

“Is it bad I want to take a nap”

“You’re pregnant, Y/N. I think you’re entitled to a nap.”

“Good”

Of course, when you woke up from your nap it was almost 5:30, and JJ was standing in the bedroom in just his pants.

“Oh good, I thought you were going to sleep through our wedding.”

“What a way to be left at the altar.”

“Yeah my pregnant fiancee isn’t here because she’s asleep. Sorry, y’know how it is, pregnant and all.”

“Blame your daughter.”

“Aw does my baby girl make Mama tired?”

By 7:30, you’re at the venue and Sarah is zipping your dress.

“Oh Y/N I know you and my brother haven’t exactly gotten along in the past but it’s Saturday evening and that starts my week with Wheezie.”

You couldn’t help but smile when she mentioned her sister, who she practically shared custody of with her brother and his husband.

Right after everything had ended in a meltdown that left your dad on life support, Ward kept pushing Rafe to find a girl and settle down for the sake of normalcy.

Rafe had kind of exploded on his dad, telling him he wasn’t going to get a girlfriend, because he was gay.

He was gay and he was in love with his best friend.

And although taken by surprise, the announcement gave Topper Thornton the push to come out too.

They’d started dating almost immediately.

Topper helped Rafe get clean, get into therapy.

And 4 years later, they’re married.

Rafe and Topper Thornton, because Rafe wanted nothing to do with his dads last name.

They’d even changed Wheezies last name to Toppers at her request when they got married.

And most surprisingly? Rafe, Topper, and the pogues were practically best friends now.

As you could observe from the crazy “family portrait” framed in your brothers living room.

“You know what Sarah? I think we should let Wheezie take pictures.”

“Oh she’s gonna love that.”

It was time, you were walking down the stairs to meet your brother.

“Dad would think you looked gorgeous. I know I do.”

“Dad would have killed JJ the first time we hooked up.”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Thanks for this, JB.”

“I’m gonna miss you, Y/N. Its gonna be weird going home tonight and not having you and JJ there bickering in the living room over what movie to watch.”

“I can guarantee that’s still going to happen, just at our apartment.”

Before you knew it, you were Mrs. Maybank. The slim gold band on your left hand matched JJ’s and you couldn’t stop smiling.

-------

The next few months really flew by, honestly.

JJ worked.

You graduated college

And got a job that allowed you to work from home.

You’d painted the nursery with the help of your brother and Sarah, an almost muted coral pink

JJ had even ordered a sign for above her crib with her name on it.

You were approximately 5 days away from your due date when you decided you were bored at home and wanted to go for a walk.

Your brothers house was really only about a mile down the beach, you didn’t even have to touch concrete to get there.

So you decided to walk down and see what they were up to, not telling your husband because he would have told you no.

And you were super pregnant and stubborn.

You arrived at your brother’s house around 11:30, ignoring the cramping you having because you’d been having inconsistent contractions for over a week.

And Juniper showed no sign of coming anyway.

You sat down on the couch, drinking tea with Sarah while you chit chatted and complained about being pregnant.

“I can see you flinching, Y/N”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“How far apart are your contractions?”

“About ten minutes.”

“I’m calling your husband. He can meet us at the hospital.”

“Ugh”

True to her word, she calls JJ, and tells him she’d come to check on you and you were definitely in labor, so she was taking you to the hospital.

JJ immediately goes into worried husband (™) mode.

And rushes to meet you at the hospital.

Everything is fine, really.

you’re not even really feeling much pain until you start to transition and it’s time to push.

And you’re being really vocal about how much this fucking hurts

You’re practically crowning when you look over and see one of the nurses standing over your husband, who is now on the floor.

“John James Maybank, get your ass off the floor. I am literally the one pushing a human out of my body right now.”

But of course, by the time he truly came around, your daughter had arrived.

Tears? Instantaneous.

For both of you.

“She’s a lot smaller than I thought she would be”

“Honestly, she felt like she was 12 pounds in there.”

He just kissed your forehead.

“I love you, both of you.”

“We made a pretty cute kid.”

Admittedly, you guys got the swing of being parents pretty quickly.

As soon as you were home, JJ was quick to get you whatever you needed.

He changed diapers, did midnight feedings (thank god for breast pumps), and got into the habit of wearing her strapped to his chest when he did mundane things like dishes.

Junie was probably six weeks old when you came back from the doctor to him holding her in his arms on the couch.

“Y/N, this kid is always mean mugging me. Our daughter has resting bitch face.”

“JJ, you know that’s your face right?”

“What?”

“Her face is your face. She looks just like you.”

He just stares at you.

“Point proven”

“You know what, this is Maybank gene slander and I won’t stand for it.”

“I think both of your faces are adorable.”

“Yeah, you better.”

#jj maybank headcannon #jj maybank fic #jj maybank x routledge!reader #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank blurb #jj maybank imagine #outer banks #outer banks headcannon #outer banks fic #outer banks blurb #outer banks imagine #obx #this is just self indulgent fluff and angst i'm sorry

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inconceivabl3 · 3 years

Text

This will be a long one!

Alrighty friends. My initial plan was to update the blog as we were going through the process of IVF. Truthfully, there is simply NO time for that along the way! Allow me to explain...

This is our first cycle with IVF, and I didn’t know what to expect prior to starting, but let me tell you I was just blown away by how much work goes into this process. I just assumed it would be similar to the process of IUI’s, with having a day 2 baseline sonogram and then meds for 5 days, and then your day 12 sonogram to check your lining, trigger, etc... BOY WAS I WRONG.

Honestly, so many people said the same thing to me: they had no idea what to expect with IVF so I’m just going to lay it all out on the table and be as descript as possible. Hopefully this will help some people understand the process a little better and therefore know what they’re getting involved in. :)

So cycle day 1 came pretty early for me, or at least I felt it was early. I called my RE and they had me come in for my baseline ultrasound on cycle day 2. On this baseline sonogram, the team is essentially looking to see how your uterus and ovaries look prior to starting. Are there any cysts? Growths? Areas for concern? Etc. They also draw baseline labs (estrodiol level) at this appointment. After the doctor reads the results of the sonogram and labwork, they’ll give you a call to give you instructions on dosing for your medications, which typically start that night. Note to self: definitely stay by the phone that day, these instructions are important and so is the timing of medication! Not a phone call you want to miss.

The medications that were started for me were Gonal-F and Menopur. Both of these are subcutaneous injections that are administered every 24 hours. Gonal-F is a follicle stimulant (follitropin alfa). You got it: it causes the eggs in the ovaries to develop at a faster pace than usual, and basically kicks your body into overdrive on egg production for ovulation. Menopur is also a follicle stimulant, but it contains luteinizing hormone (LH) in addition to follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH). These are typically used in combination for fertility treatment.

I injected these bad boys every night at 6 PM, and oh wowzers the SIDE EFFECTS. Honey. I don't even know how to describe what I was feeling during this time. I imagine it's what menopause must feel like. I had the worst hot flashes--to the point that I felt like I was going to faint--, vertigo and dizzy spells, nausea (likely from the dizzy spells), and headaches. I didn't notice it at first, but I also bloated like crazy. I stepped on the scale the morning of my retrieval and I was literally shocked at the number I saw.

I will say, injecting yourself is a weird phenomenon. It doesn't hurt, at all. I mean that needle is so dang tiny you can barely see it lol, but there's something that just makes you hesitate every time you go to stick yourself. That may or may not have had to do with the Menopur burning like a ~BIOTCH~ upon injection. Oooof, the burn is definitely noticeable. It goes away relatively quickly, but I did take my fertility sister's advice and use cold packs she sent me. That helped right away. It's also a large volume of diluent, so it's not a super comfotable injection. The Gonal-F I never felt and it's also super small. The Menopur was 2 mL of fluid. NOPE.

Around day 6 (I believe), I was instructed to add on another injection: cetrotide. This medication is brought on board to basically prevent premature egg release or early ovulation. Because IVF has to be timed just right, all of the timing on this has to be absolutely controlled. This is why it's so important that you're seen in the office for labs and follow up sonograms every 1 to 2 days. Your team needs to evaluate your results and make sure nothing needs titration.

My estrogen was climbing pretty quickly. My baseline was 69, by the time I was told to trigger it had already reached 3,000!! That number really scared me so I looked it up to be sure that was acceptable, and apparently it is, but it had me shaking in my boots. I have not only read so much about OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome), but my friend went through it and it is definitely scary! OHSS is actually most common in younger women, those who suffer from PCOS, have rapidly rising estradiol levels, a large number of follicles and/or large sized-follicles, and also have a high AMH. Side effects to look out for with OHSS include rapid weight gain, excess bloating, urine retention or a significant decrease in your urination frequency, nausea/vomiting and shortness of breath. OHSS can actualy cause you to throw clots, so PLEASE pay attention to these side effects. It's extremely rare, but it can be fatal.

Anyways, my follicles were growing FAST and LARGE. Which you would think is good, but looking back, I think it was a sign that I was at risk for OHSS. I only did about 5 days of the cetrotide before my office called me and told me I was ready to trigger. I had a lot of follicles on both sides that were greater than 17 mm, and I was only on day 10 of medications! I was instructed to take my trigger shot that night (Ovidrel, which is another injection), and then 36 hours later, BAM, we were suiting up for egg retrieval!

The egg retrieval is quick, but can cause a lot of painful cramping, so you're completely anesthetized for it. Trust me: it's the best nap of your life! You care team uses a long needle/catheter to access the ovaries, and this is how they "retrieve" the eggs. The catheter is inserted vaginally, it's not through the abdomen. A few people had asked me that so wanted to make sure that was understood!

After my procedure, my RE came to my recovery room to tell me they retrieved 32 EGGS, which is CRAZY. (ya think I was hyper-stimulating...?) They did give me a warning that most patients lose approximately 50% of their egg count, but it was still an excellent number to start with. Some people are lucky if they get 10 eggs initially, so I was feeling ultra blessed to come out with 32. An angel or two was certainly looking out for us...

The embryologists call you on days 2, 4 and 6 to give you updates on how your eggs are progressing. I think by day 4 they typically want to see the embryo's reach a 4-cell count (meaning they're dividing appropriately), and by day 5 or 6 they should be blastocysts, which is once the embryo has formed separate cell structures and a fluid cavity. According to the literature, only 20 to 30 percent of embryos become blastocysts, and they also have a higher implantation rate.

My final embryo counts were as follows: of the 32 eggs retrieved, 26 were mature enough to fertilize. 22 of those 26 were successfully fertilized. Of the 22 fertilized, 14 became blastocysts and are currently cryopreserving!!!

Because I was borderline hyperstimulating, it was recommended we wait until next menstrual cycle to do a frozen embryo transfer. So, we'll be calling the office again on my next "cycle day 1" aka the start of a period, but this time we won't need those crazy injectables! Those are only utilized to assist with egg production and retrieval.

This is one heck of an update, and I feel like I just went on lots of tangents throughout, but I really wanted to be as specific as possible for people who have lots of questions! I'm an open book, so if there's anything I wasn't clear on, feel free to ask. Otherwise, be on the lookout for an update in a few short weeks! **crosses fingers and toes**

#ivf #infertilityjourney #infertility #ttc #ivfsupport

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