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brassknucklespeirs · 2 years

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Eᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ Yᴏᴜ Tᴏᴜᴄʜ [Bᴀʙᴇ Hᴇꜰꜰʀᴏɴ x ɢɴ!ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ]

Genre: Fluff with SAD BOY HOUR

Warning: Depiction of depression, loneliness, and grief, depiction of wounds and blood, mentions of death, war related stuff yah know

Prompt: Requested by @vibing-away “If it's not too hard, can you do something with this post? The reader acts like they are sad and lonely, but that are. I have no specific character in mind. Maybe Babe or Luz or someone more vigilant, I dunno.” “Doing a "they act like they're fine but they aren't" is fine, they are slowly pulling away from the group.”

post is: “the introvert who’s sad and lonely and doesn’t feel understood and the bubbly bright introvert who fills their world with joy and knows them better than themselves is the best trope hands down”

A/N: This is my first gender neutral one shot so please let me know if i need to work on changing anything

It had been too many nights like this, too many moments of seclusion to be left to their own thoughts, too many nights of seeing the people they cared for get taken away, never to come back, too many nights of not being able to save anyone. This timeline was constant; switch off the feelings to try to save those who were injured and then proceed to let the emotions destroy the mind in silence after they are no longer in their care. Y/N stood with their hands covered in crimson as another jeep left, and with it just another causality of a cruel war. The medic’s gaze shifted to the sky as a flare lit up the area surrounding them, and they watched while it drifted down, down, down, until they could no longer see the red shade that tainted the snow beneath their feet. The light disappeared, much like the spark that usually swam in their starry eyes, leaving nothing but the dull colouring of black and white to paint the dimming world, but even then they knew the colour on their hands was a pained shade of death. Everything had become but a hue of crimson with every tone of grey.

They lost some of their family, their friends, their freedom, and worst of all they lost themself. Perhaps it was just part of the job, with those who passed through the hands of a medic usually leaving soon after whether it be by their choice or not, each of them chipping off a piece of the healer’s soul before they get rushed away. They swum in the deep pools of the blood that once touched their skin every night in their sleep, and between the scorching feelings of guilt and shame, the suffering had eaten away at them until there just wasn’t anything left aside from the shell of a body. The one thing that hadn’t left was the loneliness, the feeling of isolation, the suffocation of never ending space, and in all honesty they had grown close; the giver and the best friend who fed off every positive thing that they held in their heart. It was no doubt a toxic relationship, Y/N and loneliness, with the latter keeping a firm grip on the former, a hand to the throat at any opportunity where someone might take them from it. The state of loneliness had pushed and pushed until the wedge between Y/N and those around them had stuck unyieldingly, until not a single soul could tear them apart, almost like the latching on of a parasite.

They hadn’t looked away from the snow covered ground as another flare lit up the sky, only watching their shadow flitter around their boots, withering and diminishing before it, too, disappeared like it was never there; just another thing that they inevitably lost. Loneliness whispered in their ear, waving the red flag in its hands right in front of their face as it did.

“Everything you touch will disappear.”

It replayed over and over in their head, a constant reminder of their failure, their inability to do their job. A figure in the distance moved towards them slowly, unsure of why the medic seemed frozen in place so far from a foxhole. The man called to them hoping to get a reaction, a sign that they were okay, but with no response he walked closer. His hand lay over their shoulder for but a moment before they tore away from him, jumping back so quickly it almost frightened the man. A look of panic took over their features as their eyes moved between his hand and the place it had touched their body, causing him to look even more concerned for the medic.

“Doc?” He asked carefully, the gentle tone of his voice easing them only slightly. They moved their eyes to meet his, showing him the inner turmoil for only a moment before placing their mask back on, blinking away the emotions that threatened to escape.

“Captain Winters Sir?”

“I think perhaps you should head back to your foxhole and get some rest, I’ll be sure to get someone to inform Doc Roe that you’re gonna take a few hours of sleep.” The red headed man spoke firmly, knowing that it was likely they’d try and fight their way out of this if he was too gentle. The medic went to open their mouth to do just that until a whisper echoed in their head, nagging to be heard.

“Everything you touch....”

They snapped their lips shut, thinking it over for a moment before sending the man a nod of response, one which he was surprised to see. He cleared his throat before straightening up, shoving his hands under his arms to keep them warm.

“Uh good. Well you head on back, i’m sure Private Heffron will be happy to see you getting some rest for once huh?” The man tried to joke but it fell on deaf ears as the medic simply nodded again and begun their cold trek back to the line, their body long since numb to the feeling of the frozen chill. If anything, the cold had been a welcome feeling, the idea of their body feeling just as numb as their mind was somewhat a comforting thought.

The medic trailed through the snow, kicking up the white powder as they flicked their boots absentmindedly, thoughts unfocussed on anything but getting back to the frozen hole in the ground they’d been staying in with Babe. After wandering around aimlessly for a good 20 minutes, they finally found their way back to it, sitting down on the snow to slid in under the cover that insulated the hideaway as well as it could. The man who had been nodding off in the foxhole jumped at the sound, his hands moving to grip his rifle only to relax as soon as their face came into view.

“Jesus, don’t go giving a man a heart-attack like that. But welcome home sunshine, it’s been a long day without yah.” Babe muttered softly, instantly throwing his rifle down to move his blanket over for them to shuffle under. The medic said nothing, only stared at the empty space beside him that he had offered, the shiver of their body saying yes but their mind screaming not to get close. The man furrowed his eyebrows together as they made no move to snuggle in beside him as they usually did, only staring dully at it. Their eyes seemed fixed on the spot they commonly occupy at his side, but at another call of their name, they looked up, gulping down the panic that caught in their throat. They quickly scooted towards the man, as to not draw too much attention to their lack of response yet they ensured there was a space between them, one that wasn’t usually. Babe reached out to them, moving to put his arm around their shoulder only for them to jump back again, unease clear on their face. He held his hands up carefully, a look of understanding on his face. “Alright, no touching right now, that’s okay. Just get under the blanket before your freeze.” His voice was so gentle and the thought of it sent a subtle fluttering to Y/N’s stomach as it always had, a feeling they quickly pushed to the side as it whispered in their ear once again.

“Everything...”

The two bodies sat in that foxhole with Babe chattering on quietly about random little things that surprisingly Y/N seemed to be able to focus on, but the man’s eyes constantly flickering to them in concern. Worry set in his bones at the lack of conversation, or better said the lack of response to his conversation; no small smiles, no twinkling eyes, no nothing. He wanted so badly to reach out to them and take them in his arms but he knew he couldn’t push that boundary just to spare his own emotions, so instead he just kept talking, trying so badly to warrant a response. Little did he know, that they too wanted to lay in his arms, their face tucked away in his neck and their fingers linked with his own as he lulled them into sleep with his voice, anything to cure the deep gnawing of sadness, yet that biting feeling held them back.

“Y/N?” He eventually asked, cutting off his previous conversation about something funny Bill had been talking to him about that day. The medic looked at him and hummed in response quietly, their helmet now rested against the side of the frozen foxhole. “Are you alright?” He continued.

“Just tired Babe.” They replied, their voice no higher than a whisper but thanks to the silence that surrounded them at the current time, he heard them loud and clear. He nodded, sure to not take their word for it but not wanting to push them any further.

“Try get some sleep yeah? I’ll keep an eye out for you.” Babe responded, and with a small nod, Y/N took to closing their eyes. It came back in brilliant flashes of red as they tried to calm their rushing mind, trying to hold it together for just a moment of peaceful rest. Thoughts, ideas, unnecessary comments from it began to nag at them in the silence, calling for them to be more careful if they wanted the one’s they cared about to be safe, telling them to build the wall between them as high as possible. Y/N tried their best to swat the feeling away but they just couldn’t seem to fight the feeling alone. Their head lulled back towards the man, their eyes opening to a squint to see him playing with the edge of the blanket almost nervously.

“Babe?” The man’s head shot up to look at them as their voice sounded.

“Yeah Y/N?”

“Can you keep talking please?” They asked sheepishly, their bottom lip pulling between their teeth harshly, and their eyebrows knitted together as if they were in pain. Perhaps they were, it wouldn’t be surprising if the loneliness somehow figured out a way to physically hurt them as much as it had mentally. Babe smiled at them as he nodded before jumping back into his previous conversation about Wild Bill. Y/N fell asleep that night with the tiniest of smiles pulled to the corner of their lips.

***

It hadn’t gotten much easier than then; the snow still fell, people were still having to be sent off the line and Y/N still felt that deep coiling in their stomach that made them almost nauseous. The only thing that seemed to keep the medic holding on was the man they shared a foxhole with, and even then they had been trying their best to not think much about him past his ability to help them sleep. He lulled them into a slumber every time they got the chance with his quiet chattering and sometime incoherent ranting, small smiles on both their faces.

The artillery blasts that day were particularly bad, tree after tree exploding and sending debris and shrapnel with each shock wave. Y/N was forced to place the mask back on for the sake of those around them as they switched to medic mode. Screams for help were heard left and right and they answered the call any time they could, forcing their feelings back down their throat as it rose like bile from the bottom of their stomach. Everything had followed the timeline that day, step by step.

Y/N was in the midst of a mad sprint across the snowy forest as they heard the raw scream for a medic who sounded a lot like Buck. Arriving at the scene, they assessed that they were the first medic to arrive, two bloodied figures lying in pain in the crimson soaked snow in front of them. They threw themself to their knees in front of Joe Toye as they assessed the damage, fashioning a tourniquet from a piece of rag and a stick, pulling it tight against the man’s upper thigh as he withered in pain.

“Jesus, what’s a man gotta do to die around here Doc?” He managed through gritted teeth, a comment that struck the medic like lightning. Death was such a volite thing to talk about, even in the midst of war and yet they couldn’t help but think compared to frozen hell if it was better, easier. They shook the thought from their mind as they continued to work, thankful for the appearance of Doc Roe who had come sliding in on the snow.

The two men were lifted on stretchers and taken away soon after, yet their blood still stained the skin and clothes of the medics, setting the same uneasy feeling in their bones. Even with the fact the two had still been kicking and cursing as they always were as they were whisked away, Y/N couldn’t help but let their mind stray to the ‘what ifs’. What if they don’t make it? What if I hadn’t been fast enough? What if, what if, what if?

The medics all made several rounds of the company after that particularly hard day, and all held the same numb feeling as each other. Y/N had never even realised that their emotions were shared, especially by Gene, who battled with the grief of losing so many men by his hand. The two had spent so much time together, wandering in almost comfortable silence and yet Y/N hadn’t noticed why. Movement before them startled the medic from their mind, the cajun man coming into focus in front of them, his lips pulled into a tired smile, his eyes holding understand as he kept his hands to himself.

“You did a good job Y/N. Go grab some food and take some rest for a bit yeah?” He muttered to them, however, the sentiment behind his comment was misinterpreted leading to his often motherly sounding voice to be not as comforting as it usually was. Their warped perception of everything around them, and the help of their chaotic feelings, had led them to believe that they were being sent to rest more often then not, their fellow soldiers and medics alike tiptoeing around them so tentatively. Maybe loneliness was right, maybe they were better off with seclusion and their own mind. No one seemed to want them around anyway, always told to tuck away in their foxhole. The medic failed to understand the true worried intent of someone who understood exactly what they were feeling and instead just nodded dully before wandering off to find some grub.

The men who had already gathered looked tired, on edge and just plain done with this shitty snow-covered forest. Most were caught up in their own heads as they absentmindedly chewed away at the awful tasting beans they’d been handed, yet they took it gratefully as the first meal they had seen in a couple of days. Y/N walked over slowly, unsure whether they wanted to lose the distance placed between them and the men, their eyes darting around left and right frantically. They decided then to wait before some of the men had left, planting themself at the base of a tree, leaning against it as they tried to rest their aching muscles.

A voice sounded through the quiet, a shout of their name echoing around them. Babe came into view soon after, carrying a smile and an extra canteen cup of beans for the medic. He grew closer by the second, and with each step, Y/N felt their arms clutch tighter and tighter at their body, shrinking into themself. He stopped short of them, crouching slightly, purposely an arms length away to not frighten them into a panic as he held the food out to the medic. They took it quickly, whispering the quietest of ‘thank yous’ to the man before chowing down on it. Babe watched them carefully, the small smile still on his lips as he did, a slight twinkle in his eyes. Y/N raised their head when they realised the boots before them hadn’t moved, raising their eyebrows in a silent question. The South Philly boy nodded to the spot he was crouched in, his eyes never leaving their’s.

“Mind if I join you? I got some more good stories to tell yah.” He said. Y/N bite their tongue, pondering the idea for but a moment before shaking their head.

“Not today Babe. I’d like to be alone please.” They mumbled in response causing the man’s smile to slip from his lips quickly. He nodded, standing slowly.

“Yeah, okay, no problem. Well I’ll be over here if you change your mind.” He uttered, his shoulders dropped in quiet defeat. The medic nodded before looking down at their food immediately, hoping that his eyes would leave their form quickly. He faltered for a moment as he went to walk away, his mouth opening to say something before he shut it again, unsure whether it was the right idea. The man sighed quietly to himself while he proceeded to wander away yet his eyes moved to catch sight of Gene who had been watching the two carefully. Babe’s eyes seemed to plead for help to which the cajun man shook his head in response to, a clear sign to leave the other medic be for a while. He huffed, dejection weighing down on him as he glanced back once more at the figure behind him before stomping away.

Gene watched as the man went off before his eyes turned back to Y/N who had curled so far into themself that the man was sure they couldn’t get any smaller. He hummed to himself thoughtfully, fully aware of what was going on in the other medic’s head. The grief and loneliness had weighed down on him too, and he knew the inner turmoil that held them by the throat much as it had him. It was because he knew what it was like that he held such worry in his chest; it was a deep, dark pit of nothingness in a mind that broken and it would take a lot to claw back out of it. Hell, he hadn’t even reached the top yet, but he was certainly trying his best, he was just concerned that perhaps Y/N didn’t want to try, maybe they were not as determined to make it out of this war. He thought of his Vera, the woman he loved waiting for him back in England, he thought of Renee, a woman who had shown him such kindness in a seemingly never ending cycle of brutality, he thought of everyone who was waiting for him back home. That was what pushed him to climb faster to make it out of the hole he had been pushed into. Perhaps Y/N just needed to be reminded of those who truly cared for them, those who cheered from the top as they forced themself to claw up the walls of that hole.

***

Y/N found themself in their frozen foxhole alone, the only comfort being the blanket that belonged to Babe being wrapped tightly around them, the smell of him entering their nose as they held it close to their face. Loneliness soon joined them, wrapping it grip around their neck and whisper not-so-sweet nothings into their ear, nagging like an annoying younger sibling for attention. They couldn’t find the energy to fight it, letting it consume them as they closed their eyes. The flashes came back again, the crimson mixing with the white snow, the trucks leaving, the grief, the sadness.

They sat there in that pit with their face scrunched up in torment the moment that Babe slid under the cover, his features melting to concern once again. Gene had not long finished talking to him, explaining that they needed a figurative and, at their own pace, physical hand to hold and that Babe needed to be that person. All the men who knew them had watched the two dance around each other since Holland, seen the glances and the small smiles, and now that they saw one of them drifting away so quickly, they knew it was as better time as any for Babe to reach out and stop them from straying too far.

Y/N twisted their face away from him as he moved to sit beside them, space gathering between them as it had been for a while now. He tucked himself under the blanket while watching as Y/N curled away from him as much as they could, their face hidden behind the helmet atop their head.

“Hey sunshine, how yah doing?” Babe questioned. He waited several moments for a response but was given nothing but a quiet hum of acknowledgement. His brows furrowed, unsure how to approach the situation at all, his bottom lip coming to rest between his teeth as he chewed on it while lost in thought.

“Don’t hide from me, please.” He whispered quietly after a few minutes of silence. Y/N twitched at the words, wanting nothing more than to be able to tell him to leave them alone, even though that isn’t what they really wanted. “Talk to me.” He tried again, and god did he wish he could reach out and hold them to him. Another grunt sounded from the figure beside him, causing concerned anger to grow in his stomach. “Damnit Y/N. Please.” His voice cracked in defeat as he tried one last time, the medic’s chest clenching painfully at the sound as they turned their head ever-so-slightly, their eyes now visible through the space between their helmet and their shoulder.

“I don’t want to talk Babe.” They muttered quietly, their voice tired and strained.

“I know you don’t. God, you know I wouldn’t push you if I didn’t have to but I’m worried. And don’t you dare tell me another shitty excuse of ‘i’m tired’ or ‘i’m fine’ cause I know you’re lying. Please. Just talk to me. Even just a little.” The man cried almost desperately. The medic paused for a moment, realising the man had caught them out and that there wasn’t any other way around it unless they wanted to just give him more silence. Their mind whirled as they pondered the idea of expressing a little bit of what was eating at them before a quiet sigh left their lips.

“Everything...everything is wrong Babe. It’s all wrong.” They begun, causing the man to nod encouragingly at them. “I-I can’t-It’s just...it’s not okay.”

“You’re right. It’s not okay, none of this is okay. This forest, this cold, this fucking war, none of it. You know what is okay? It’s okay that you feel it, in fact, you have to let yourself feel it. Stop letting it get in your head. I know you think you gotta handle everything alone but you don’t. Cause you aren’t alone, I’m right here. And I’m always going to be right here.” The man said, knowing exactly what they were thinking as their face contorted in worry and grief and sadness. The medic shook their head furiously in frustration, their hands coming up to grasp at their cheeks, their fingers squeezing at the skin.

“You can’t promise me that Babe. You could leave at any moment just like everyone else does. And it’ll be me that has your blood staining my skin.” They mumbled tiredly, their eyes welling up with tears at the thought. “And I can’t-I can’t handle that Babe. But...everything I touch...seems to disappear. I-I can’t...” The tears came suddenly, pouring like waterfalls from their eyes. Their hands moved quickly to wipe at their cheeks, muttering an apology for their show of emotion. Babe just smiled a small smile while shaking his head.

“As I said, you gotta feel it Y/N. It’s okay to have feelings, it’s what makes you human and the way you feel it so deep? It’s what makes you, well, you. Beautiful, caring, kind you. It makes you the person I..” He paused for a moment, clearing his throat as he prepared himself to say it. “Well, it makes you the person I fell in love with.” Their eyes moved to him slowly, widened in silent surprise.

“You-I-You love me?” They spoke in a whisper. The man nodded again, pushing himself up against the side of the foxhole to readjust his sitting position slightly.

“Sure do. Ever since you fixed me up after I tripped over that rock and scrapped my face up in Holland. I knew you were it for me. And struggling or not, you’re always going to be it for me.” He proclaimed, his head tilted down to cover the blush that settled on his cheeks. Y/N watched him for a moment, their eyebrows tugged together as they thought over his words. They felt their heart pumping in their chest for the first time in what felt like forever, furiously flushing the blood to their own cheeks. Their stomach seemed to coil, but not in the way it had been recently, no, this time it was a warm feeling that consumed them, burning away the hands of loneliness that tried desperately to hold on to their throat. The fingers retracted then, as Babe moved his head to look upon the stunned medic, his eyes holding such affection that it staved off the negative energy that had held them for so long, even if for just a while. Y/N took a deep breath, relishing in the lack of pressure around their throat.

“All this time?” They whispered, their voice gentle as a genuine smile that had deserted their features for weeks returned. Babe nodded sheepishly, his hand moving to scratch a spot at the back of his neck.

“Yeah, I never really known how to tell yah. I know now ain’t the best of times but-”

“No it’s-it’s fine.” They stuttered nervously, their fingers twisting together in their lap.

“Yeah?” He questioned with a smile, to which it was returned.

“Yeah.”

The two sat side by side, only a hairs width apart as they both savoured the comfortable energy that flowed between them. Y/N own lip came between their teeth as their eyes flickered from their lap to the man beside them and back again. One of their fingers twitched for a moment causing them to clench and unclench that hand a few time, their eyes trailing down the dirty fingers of the man beside them, curling around the edge of the blanket directly beside them. With one last flicker of their gaze and a gulp, the medic reached their hand out, their fingers loosely intertwining with his, his head whipping around to look at them. His lips curved into a smile before his own gaze moved up to meet theirs, his eyes shining with adoration as he opened his mouth to whisper to them.

“I’m not disappearing anytime soon, not if I can help it.”

#this one hurties a little my bad #actually when do i not write pieces that hurt???#i'm such a liar #it's literally all i write #PAINNNN #band of brothers #band of brothers x reader #band of brothers fanfic #band of brothers fluff #babe heffron #babe heffron x reader #edward heffron #edward heffron x reader

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