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nextwarden · 3 years

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Webtoons are good for the soul [Long post] [but worth it] [hopefully]

Bit of a long one (for a change...), sorry.

I haven’t read that many that’s a lie but here are my favs!

Lore Olympus by Rachel Smythe [ongoing - every Sunday]

or when Hades met Persephone. It’s a love story, fluffy yet deep and sad at times. Very well told and with incredible art (as you can see from the cover ci-dessus), in a pastel/watercolour fluid style, as is the storytelling. It has compelling characters, character growth, love, funny moments, and basically the best you could ask from a romantic story. And it had enough material to get you through good number of hours of reading before you have to break down every sunday in wait of the following week like the rest of us.

mah-hart-mah-sole/10

Love Advice From the Great Duke of Hell by unfins [ongoing - every Friday]

Paul is in love with a cute girl who works in a café nearby. But Paul is shy and can’t work out how to go ask her out. So Paul does what anyone would do and summons one of the Great Dukes of Hell in order to get better at fumbling his sentences and blushing at beautiful maidens. It’s about discovery of one’s true self and how getting deep into shenanigans will lead you to find so much more. Also, sister. (You’ll understand when you get there.)

It’s funny but also compelling and serious but still incredibly funny. I don’t think I’ve laughed as much reading any other webtoon and yet the story is also really cool. It strikes a perfect balance, or near perfect. The expressions and the action scenes are just incredible too.

chenandeler bong/10

Suitor Armor by Purpah [ongoing - every Friday]

In a land with magic and war between humans and fairies, Lucia is the princess’s lady in waiting and her only goal in life at the moment is to get her Lady to have the wedding she wishes for and deserves. But then she gets a flower from a magic armor and everything changes. Also, she’s a fairy.

It’s well drawn, characters all seem unique, varied and personnality-driven. The art style is beautiful. It’s also deeper than what I expected, with inklings of different types and levels of drama.

Alright, I’ll say it, it feels like a ‘promising new Lore Olympus’. By which I mean not to compare but simply to say I felt as taken by the story as I did with L.O.

Modeus/10

Facing the Sun by ArtbyTesslyn [ongoing]

Aarya reaserches the intricacies of dobotics and artificial intelligence with her companion robot Liza who's expiration is long everdue. Things change with a hardware update. One can’t live without the other, and neither can the other.

It’s dark but beautiful, both in the art and in the story. The sci-fi elements aren’t overwhelming and pieces of lore bring begin to pain a picture over time. It’s a slow burn but oh lord! if it isn’t going to be blazing hot...

I Robot/10

Spellbound by Ronce [ongoing]

Eglantine joins a new highschool midyear and finds herself paired with a refractarian roommate. She does her best to fit in to her new school despite not conforming to all the expectations that others might have of her. Or of her strange but likeable roommate.

It’s a cute and queer little romance, very underrated in my opinion. The art is wonderful, it’s black and white in the beginning and starts having touches of colour here and there before going full blown coloured, and I didn’t even realize it had until many chapters into it... The characters all all diverse and interesting. Also did I forget to say it’s set in France and it’s a wizarding school? Because it is!

conseiller principal d’éducation/10

180 Angel by King Katbird [ongoing]

Chloe is an angel, she lives in Heaven and goes to school in the hopes of becoming a delivery angel one day! However her plan are compromised by her inability to do anything well except halo manipulation. Even flying is not easy for her. But a fateful meeting with a reaper sends her on a trip to Hell and back which changes her. Or is it that she had always been different?

It may not seem much from the banner but I tried it and I got hooke. The art is great and still improves over time, the plot takes a bit of time to set in - I’m still not sure it’s fully set in yet - but it’s worth it, and the characters are visually deep. It sometimes jumps weirdly between scenes or sequences but not so much it completely loses you.

LAMP/10

Letters on the Wall by JaelynGs [ongoing]

Tara comes back fom spain after a five years abroad to find things have changed and others haven’t, to her equal pleasure and dismay. This is how she and her friends deal with these old relatioships that they are now reviving.

Everything doesn’t go smoothly despite each and every character deserving them to. The art is good to begin with and manages to improve over time, as well as the storytelling. Where it might have been a bit hectic before, it smoothes over time. It was for the longest time the only reason I would stalk Webtoons everyday to see if there was any updates. Also each chapter has a colour in the name and that’s just cool!

If Da Yomanville Gang [see below] got me to come to Webtoons, this sealed the deal for me to stay. [And then there was Lore Olympus.]/10

Not So Shoujo Love Story by Curryuku [ongoing - every Tuesday]

Rei Chan-chan loves Hansum, the chin chin chinny goodest looking student, more than she loves her shoujo manga. But gorgeous Hannah is in her way and won’t seem to let her get her way with him. Why is that? Well, gaybe there’s a secret hidden behind her motives? Read it to find out...

It’s funny, it’s cute, and it’s so, so stupid. I love them all. It’s dumb but so much fun to read. There aren’t that many chapters yet but enough to get into it. Also, sisters. (You’ll understand when you get there. Bis) So this is what the spring of youth feels like, huh...

chips/10

Always Human by walkingnorth [completed]

Sunati, a young engineer in training, fan of all those mods you can add to change your appearance, meets Austen, a beautiful yet modless girl who she’s been admiring from afar for a while now. She thinks the girl’s beautiful, but sdly she’s refused when she asks her out on a date, and for rather good reasons.

Now watch as they gravitate around each other and how it influences them both.

It’s a slow-burn quite realistic lesbian sci-fi story about finding love and accepting oneself and others in the midst of life and all it brings upon us. It’s cute, it’s fluffy, and it’s heartwarming despite broaching serious subjects - in a good way -, and it’s finished so you can read the whole thing! (It has enough chapters to give you a few hours of reading)

hay fever sucks/10

Da Yomanville Gang by Jason King [ongoing - every Tuesday]

Layla moved recently, to get away from a dose of angst she didn’t want to have to deal with. She meets new people, fun and friendly people, but it seems the angst can’t quite seem to leave her alone. Alone is what she’s not to deal with it anymore, however.

This is the one, long before Lore Olympus, which brought bme over to Webtoons. It’s not the best drawn, not the most compelling, but the strong point and what made me love it - beyond Layla’s chara design - is the depth of most of the characters, how not all good is good and all bad is bad, and reality often lies in the middle - and how they evolve over the course of the story. Definitely worth a read.

wheelbarrow/10

Love Bot by Chase Keels and Miranda Mundt [ongoing - every Sunday]

In the near future - the year is (Blade Runner) 2049 - technology has advanced enough to creat pseudo-artificial intelligence and thus lovebots. Xada mods and repairs those emotionnaly intelligent robots for a living. What brings this story about is him toying with a less-than-friendly client’s bot so much so that he finds himself in quite a pickle when the bot ‘wakes up’.

It seems to be BL. Let it be BL, please! The art is very nice, the story feels dark but the pitch give way to many interesting possibilities, and, well, the characters are quite nice to look at, I’ll admit... Also, angst. I don’t always enjoy it but when I do, I do.

Not many chapters but it’s getting there.

i’ll let you bot my love/10

Mage & Demon Queen by Color_LES [ongoing - every Thusday]

Malori is the best and the most promising mage student at her school. Aided by Cerik, her best friend and swordsman party member, she attempts to conquer the last floor of the demon tower, reigned over by the ferocious Velverosa, the demon queen, whose defeat will bring glory and richess to those who defeat her. But all is not quite as it seems and, what is that, might it be a crush I see over there? Oh, wait, no, that’s just our protagonist getting squished by the weight of her love...

Once again, it’s fun and stupid (a pattern? noooo) but it’s worth a read.

LES/10

Down to Earth by Pookie Senpai [ongoing - every Tuesday]

Kade live alone and depressed in spite of fleeting relatioships since his big breakup, content with simply going by life while he works in retail. One day, an alien crashes into his backyard. Zaida’s an alien but she’s cute, seems innocent, is unfamiliar with everything, so he agrees to help. Thus begins a slice of life story of them roommating in his appartment until, maybe, one of them crashes into the other’s heart?

It’s cute, heartwarming, and I sort f relate with the main character. Although I don’t know if’d prefer a cute alien, a dragon or a stalking neighbour... [that’s an inside joke, I’ll explain if I ever make a list of the good yamete onii-chan! I’ve been reading] It’s a slow burn with enough depth to hook you up. Some characters are still uncertain in my eyes but that makes me curious.

loner/10

The Remarried Empress by Alphatart / Sumpul [ongoing - every Wednesday and Sunday]

Navier Ellie Trovi is an empress. Perfect and perfectly content in every way with her life until the day a mistress enters her husband’s life. Things sort of go downhill from there. Or do they? For she also learns about herself and what she might actually want out of life to be happy. Breaking the status quo might be the way.

It feels like one of those poor quality isekai comics or manga in which the MC is brought back to a time where she has the power to change her life and decides for emancipation and revenge, but it’s not. It’s more ‘yolo’ and had interesting characters, especially the MC - no pushover - and a slow-burn plot. Don’t expect to see the flash-forward in the first chapter quite yet, but come to experience the whole affaire in detail and in the most satisfying of ways! Also the art is cool!

divorce/10

Muted by Miranda Mundt [ongoing - every Friday]

On her 21st birthday, Camille fails the ritual to become a full-fledged witch and is isolated from what remains of her old and successful family. This leads to her discovering truths about herself and her powers that will change her and those around her.

By the same author as Love Bot. I haven’t read the whole thing yet but the designs are good, the plot is interesting, the characters have depth and personnality, it has witches, magic, romance [I guess, still unsure of the details though], a bit of angst, and it’s set in Louisianna. All good points.

plant magic/10

Cursed Princess Club by LambCat [ongoing - every Monday]

Gwendolyn and her sisters, each a princess in their own right, are set to be betrothed to three princes of a neighbouring country after living all their lives happy and sheltered with their father and brother. Unfortunately, Gwendolyn is not like her sisters - and brother, for that matter - in that her beauty is... less than conventionnal. Devastated by what outsiders think of her she escapes into the forest and meets kindred spirits in the form of the Cursed Princess Club - non-gendered, they also have that one prince there! - and it might just help her grow into the confident woman she is destined to become.

I clicked for the funny hahas ‘because she’s ugly’ and cursed princess trope, I stayed for the genuine laughs and smiles and the heartwarming good nature of most of te characters. Also, haha, funny characters are funny. So, yeah, I started this with a bias - still haven’t caught up yet - and have been seduced by this lesser known webtoon. Don’t let the visuals fool you, it’s really good!

respect wahmen/10

Andy Bass by KenneDuck / Gia [ongoing - every Friday]

Andy Bass is our average highschool girl. Litterally. She’s half human, half fish, a real mermaid but vertically. That leads to less-than-friendly looks and reactions from others. However, the arrival of a new, and frankly very cute, transfer student might change all that.

Haven’t read it all yet, not that there are many chapters out, but it feel fun and promising. Also, physically imperfect characters are best characters. Down with the reign of beauty and up with 𝔠𝔬𝔪𝔪𝔲𝔫𝔦𝔰𝔪!

Chin Hansum 2.0/10

For the Sake of Sita by Haga [completed]

A medical student passionately falls in love with a fallen goddess during his volunteer abroad in Nepal, and he desperately tries to fight off destiny to save his love. [the actual summary]

Okay, I’ll be honest: I haven’t quite read that one yet. I’m guilty of only having looked at the beginning and the end to see if it seemed worth it and, oh my gorsh! it does. The art is beautiful, the story seems sad yet beautiful too (I had tears reading the last chapters without knowing much of the rest) and it’s short, so jump on it!

[I’ll probably come back to that later when I’ve actually read it completely]/10

Us Right Now by yurineseventeen [ongoing]

Rina's long-term girlfriend, Noa, decides to run away from home. Rina has limited time to find her.

Not much more to say other than it’s sweet and it feels real. I like the beginning, haven’t read the rest yet, but will definitely soon.

keep going/10

New Normal: Class 8 by Youngpaka [ongoing - every Sunday]

Dongwoon has a big head. It does not make life easy. But what if he wasn’t alone being so... different? He discovers it is the case when he joins his new school a special class full of people who are different. Things get weird fast but also better and fun.

I haven’t read this in a long time, it’s on my list though. But until the moment I stopped at least, it was fun, funny, and interesting. It’s slice-of-life comedy, often ligthearted and stupid, sometimes more serious, but globally a pleasure to read.

sensei/10

The Witch and The Bull by Moonsia [ongoing - every Thursday]

Tan's job as the King's royal advisor has nothing to do with his hatred for witches, but it does make him a prime target for a curse that turns him into a BULL! The only way to undo this hex is to rely on the beautiful witch, Aro. Can her kindness turn his feelings around, and break this spell? [the actual summary]

There are two bulls and they have to ask it questions to know which is the real bull? I dunno, I haven’t read this one... But it’s been recommnded by @berigolote so it’s worth a try I guess? She did recommend Lore Olympus to me, so it’s on my list anyway.

to try/10

The Right Knight and Our Days in Lumain by buttersphere [completed & ongoing]

A fun short comic about a play on the ‘knight comes to fight dragon to save princess in her tower’ trope and it’s sequel. The sequel is not finished yet (seems on hiatus) but they are worth the read for cute, funny, fluffy knight and dragon/witch romance and grumpy princesses.

need more/10

NetOL by Forever9Nine [completed]

A slice of life comic about a veeery shy cat-girl (not literally) falling in love with a warm-tempered bookshop employee ( and NOT her colleague), and all the shenanigans that ensue. It’s short, it’s fun, and it’s cute. What more to ask?

oh wow sports/10

Susuhara is a Demon by Soya S. Holm [ongoing]

The usual romance storyof perfectly perfect girl meets absolutely bazongers delinquent and reluctantly carries her unconscious ass to her appartment to help her after witnessing a gang fight between multiple idiots and her (future) idiot and saving her from a knife attack by bashing the last standing dude with a wooden shop sign. Legend says there’s a demon in K-city, I still am unsure of whom it might be.

fun/10

It Stems From Love by Soya S. Holm [competed]

A short story about a girl who loves flowers and finds herself unexpectedly coughing them up dramatically whenever she’s jealous of those around her crush. It’s short, it’s cute, a bit dark at times, but definitely worth a read!

bouquet final/10

Lesbiampires by fabarts [ongoing]

So, yeah, lesbian vampires. Nuffin’ ta add.

Well, anyway, it’s cute, it’s funny, it’s serious too, it makes me root for antihero type characters who actually murder people for fun (but in a fun and respectful way, I swear!) because, well, love./10

Perfect Harmony by bluebloodtanuki [ongoing]

An Overwatch fan-comic about Symmetra and her disaster roommates.

I don’t play Overatch but I like the lore and got dragged into fanfiction and shipping (by myself, mind you), so a fan-comic about similar dynamics AND it’s funny? Gimme.

Roadhog & Junkrat best duo/10

Love Doesn’t Talk by Ann [completed?]

A misunderstanding is fine. Two? Hmmm. Three? Surely that’s fate, no?

A cute love story unfolding before your eyes with no dialogue, only pretty pictures. I’m not actually sure it’s completed but even if it isn’t, the ending doesn’t feel disappointing in the least.

no words/10

AntiSTALKER by VOKIVORMOK [ongoing - every Thursday]

Humans, vampires and werewolves all cohabitate in this freaky highschool, despite tensions between the three races. A bittersweet yet fun love story between a fake stalker and his amnesiac prey...

Eugene wants Kira’s heart, she wants his head.

who?/10

Kiss It Goodbye by Ticcytx [ongoing]

Two lesbians in love recount to their drunk friends the story of how they met. It’s fun and cute, both in story and in art.

delinquent x prim&proper/10

Avril and the Divine Being by Charlie Genmor [ongoing]

Avril is a waitress, Cat is a reccuring client. Feeling blossom before they even exchange words and when they finally do, embarassment ensues.

I got hooked by the art style for this one and I have yet to be disappointed. Not many chapters but keep it close.

sunny/10

Sunflower by EtoileKonijn [ongoing]

Wednesday, an art student, meets Sophie, a friend of a friend. Feelings ensue. It’s beginning to have a good number of chapters (even if they are short) and it feels like it’s actually the slowest burn of them all. Very much worth a read though, for the art style especially.

cute/10

It Takes Two by love_of_pi [ongoing]

Common art style: imperfect but improving. Classic story: normal girl meets famous girl by accident and leave a great first impression. Shenanigans and romance ensue. However the tints of drama, the fun interaction between characters, and the smooth plot make it worth it.

Honolulu latte/10

A Mild Flavor by Ru-rin [ongoing]

A slice of life of different couples. One with a compromised relationship and bittersweet reflections of the past, and the other which is hidden from plain sight, at different times if life. It is not perfect but it managed to worm its way into my heart nonetheless.

tasty/10

The Greenhouse by Viesallon [ongoing]

Another one I haven’t read, but from the extracts I’ve seen the art is compelling, the story seems worth it - definitely deserves the drama tag it seems - and I keep it on my shortlist until I have time to read it.

supernatural/10

My Masochistic Boss by Arisas_Art [ongoing]

Debuting goth writer meets hellish boss of editing company about her new book. Disagreement and tensions ensue. It starts with a slap and might very well end in bed, stay tuned!

This one rebooted recently and the art is soooo beautiful, moreso than before is I may say.

sexy/10

Still Alive by Comic Kat19 [ongoing]

Half-zombie girl meets emo boy, baby ensues.

After the zombie apocalypse, they have to survive, and despite their differences, maybe together is better?

This I classify in the ‘Yuuutsu-kun to Succubus-san‘ category: a somewhat rough art style that I have come to love and enjoy greatly. Also the story is fun.

cat creature/10

The Biggest of Treasures by Aixn [ongoing]

That smile, that damn smile. It’s what got me to try and it got me to stay. The art style is beautiful and the chara designs is too. The plot? Not much to say yet, but cuteness is enough.

bright/10

---------- ---------- ----------

And there you go for now. These are my picks. I haven’t read everything on Webtoon, I haven’t even read everything I’ve subscribed to, but if I had to recommend anything I have tasted, here it is.

Sorry if I missed any you deem worthy; feel free to harass me and mock my lack of culture by flaunting your own.

Maybe more later, in the mean time: keep scrolling, scrub!

PART II

#webtoon #webcomics #comics #lore olympus #recommendations #yes i like cheesy romance stories so what?#about wlw #but not only #yes i also have a dumb child's humour #all of them deserve more views #long post #mega thread #look at what i'm doing instead of working on my finals #help

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walkerwords · 4 years

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“The Savior Sessions” Part 1 of 33 - Negan x GN!Reader

IMAGE CREDIT: Gene Page/AMC

SERIES MASTERLIST

Summary: This will be a collection of conversations set before the events of season 9 in which the reader speaks with Negan while in his cell as they recount events and memories from their time in the Apocalypse as well as stories of his own.

Word Count: 2417

Warning: None

Song I Wrote To: “Open Season” by Josef Salvat

Note: These are going to be smaller stories that I will be updating randomly. Each fic will be a conversation/situation about Negan in his cell in Alexandria. Some maybe very short, others not. I am still working on the other stories, but I wanted to post this as I work on those as well. Thank you for your kind words about my family, I really appreciate it.

------

“I just don’t know why you’re asking me to do this, Michonne.”

You stood across from Alexandria’s head of security in her kitchen. Michonne meticulously cleaned her Katana as you spoke, remaining calm the entire time. When she had asked you to meet her today, you never imagined this would be the reason.

“Gabriel is worried about his state of mind,” Michonne said, “He thinks somebody should be speaking with him on a regular basis.”

“Isn’t that already Gabriel’s job?” you asked. “He’s always the one who’s down there.” Michonne sighed, sliding the blade back into its sheath.

“He believes that he can no longer get through to him and that they’ve become too familiar with each other,” Michonne said, placing her sword down and bracing her hands against the kitchen counter, “I also think we can benefit from it and I suppose he can as well.” You frowned.

“You’re asking me to become Negan’s therapist,” you pointed out. “How is any of that beneficial?”

“Whether we like it or not, Negan did run an entire community unchallenged. He may have insight into this world that we don’t and I have started to think that perhaps keeping him so isolated isn’t doing anyone any good,” Michonne explained. “I am asking you because you don’t have a relationship with him. The two of you never interacted during the war and you made sure to stay out of his line of sight for most of it. You’re not a total stranger, but he doesn’t know you like he knows Gabriel, me, or even Aaron.”

“So, basically, you want someone he can’t push around by pushing their buttons,” you concluded and Michonne grimaced.

“You were also a teacher, (Y/N),” said Michonne, “that is something you two have in common. Maybe that will get him to open up or at least… God, I don’t know what I want the outcome to be, but Rick wanted Negan to be a symbol for how we can grow as a society. I don’t know if he can ever be redeemed, but if he can even a small amount, then it may start with you.”

“You pulled out your Rick card,” you said with a sigh, “not fair.” Michonne smiled with a shrug.

“I knew it would come in handy someday,” she said and you finally gave in.

“Okay, I will be the big bad wolf’s confidant, but if he tries anything or pisses me off to a degree that makes me want to commit murder, that’s on Gabriel,” you said with a wink and Michonne visibly relaxed.

“Thank you, (Y/N),” she said, relieved. “I’m going to let you run it the way you want to, but try not to piss him off if you can.” You smiled at her brightly.

“Oh, you know me, Michonne, something like that is inevitable.”

-----

When you arrived at the cell an hour later, you dismissed the guard who stood out front.

If you were going to be talking to Negan to gain insight and trust, you didn’t see the need for a chaperone. As the guard left, you pushed open the heavy door and sealed it behind you.

“Gabe, if you’re here to give me another life lesson, you can save it. I’m not in the mood,” Negan said in the darkness of his cell. You had never been this close to the man before. You had fought against the Saviors of course, but always at an outpost or in a larger fight. Rick had also used your talents with the sniper rifle and kept you up high most of the time. This whole situation was alien to you and while it was unnerving to be so near to a killer, you didn’t let that stop you from stepping out of the shadows.

“Then it’s a good thing I’m not Father Gabriel,” you said, dragging a chair from the wall and centering it before the jail cell. Negan, who had been laying on his bed with his back to the door, slowly sat up and turned towards you.

In the cool light of the room, you could see him clearly now. His hair was shorter than the last time you had seen him which was when Rick had dragged him into this cell about five years before. He still had the stubble on his face, but the cocky grin that you had gotten used to seeing through your scope was nowhere to be seen.

“Have we met?” he asked, tilting his head in curiosity. You shifted slightly in your seat, trying to get comfortable.

“Not officially,” you told him. “I’m (Y/N).” Recognition dawned on his face then.

“Yes,” he said, sitting forward on the edge of his cot, “Little Miss Grimes has mentioned you before.” It wasn’t news to you that he spoke to Judith. Most people knew that she visited Negan often. The only person who probably didn’t know was Michonne. Judith had confided in you that she wasn’t scared of the man and that all she wanted was for him to know he wasn’t some kind of wild animal. You now started to realize that her reasoning was exactly why you were here. “So what can I do for you, (Y/N)?”

“I’ve been sent by the overlords of Alexandria to be your new best friend,” you explained, crossing one leg over the other.

“Is that right?” he asked, leaning forward. “Gabe get too bored with little ole me?”

“I don’t know, I didn’t ask,” you told him, “but I am here as a favor for Michonne so how about we just accept the new normal?” Negan bowed his head slightly.

“Well then, what exactly do the big shots upstairs want us to do? Compare breakup stories? Organize a block party?”

“I see you haven’t lost your wit,” you pointed out, leaning back in your chair.

“We all have our things, (Y/N),” he said, “I am curious, though,” he went on, “where were you when your people were trying to kill all of mine?”

“Usually on a rooftop,” you explained, “Grimes always had me up high with the guns.” Negan seemed genuinely thrilled by the thought of that.

“And you never got me in your cross-hairs and took a shot? Damn, that is incredibly terrifying.”

“I was never ordered to,” you told him. “I was more surveillance than an assassin.”

“Either way, my men never saw you watchin’ me,” he said and it sounded like a compliment. The way Negan was looking at you reminded you of kids staring at a lion in a zoo. Ironic seeing how he was the one in the cage and not you. Every glance was out of curiosity and you thought you noticed a bit of gratitude in his eyes. Perhaps Michonne and Gabriel were right after all. The man just needed someone to talk to.

“Okay, how about this?” you said, after a moment of silence. He waited for you to continue. “You and I are just gonna talk. You can ask me anything you want and I’ll answer and hopefully, you will return the favor when I want to .” Negan raised a single brow.

“It’s that simple?” he asked.

“Do you want it to be difficult?” you asked. “I think I could add some really brash and annoying terms to the arrangement if you want."

"You are a very strange person," Negan said.

"I'm going to take that as a compliment."

"As you should," Negan said with a cheeky grin. "However, I am curious about one thing. Don't you hate me?" You mulled over his words for a few seconds before shaking your head.

"Hate, it has caused a lot of problems in this world, but has not solved one yet," you quoted easily. Negan's eyes lit up.

"Morrison?"

"Angelou," you corrected.

"Ah," he said. "Wise woman. So what you're saying is that hating me isn't going to solve anything, am I right?"

"Pretty much," you agreed, crossing your arms.

"But I killed your people," he reminded you. Negan was clearly trying to put you off, but you had expected this.

"And I killed your people," you said. "Do you hate me?" Negan scoffed, leaning back on his hands as he watched you through the bars.

"You're good," he complimented.

"You didn't answer my question," you said. Negan licked his lips before shaking his head.

"No, I don't hate you. Although, I don't even know you so that could change." This time you let out a quick laugh that was pure instinct at this point.

"Fair enough," you conceded.

"Alright, (Y/N), if you are so inclined to answer questions, answer me this: how did you end up with this merry bunch of survivors?"

"Simple," you said, "I saved Carl Grimes from a Walker." Negan's face dropped at the mention of the late teenager. You knew about the soft spot Negan had for Carl. It wasn't a mystery, hell, Carl wouldn't have lived long after he attacked the Sanctuary if Negan didn't like him.

"You saved him?" Negan asked, pulling you from your memories.

"Yeah, I met Carl and his mom, Lori, shortly after everything happened," you began, "They, alongside other survivors, were camped at a quarry outside of Atlanta. I was on my own, trying to make it to the coast when I came across their campsite. I was wary of people, of course, but I knew I wouldn't make it far on my own. I stayed around the edge of camp for a while, just gettin' a feel for the people when Carl ran off when Lori wasn't looking. He was running around with another kid from the group." You paused, unsure if you should divulge much more, but Negan was staying entirely focused on your story.

"Carl was with Sophia...Carol's late daughter." Slight surprise entered Negan's eyes, but he remained quiet. You went on, "The two of them got turned around and then Carl being Carl, decided to run off alone without Sophia. He was near me when the Walker came out of the trees and grabbed him. I didn't really think at that moment. I just ran for the kid. I shot the Walker in the head and the next thing I know, I had a crossbow pointed at my back."

"Let me guess, Daryl?" Negan figured.

"Damn right. Son of a bitch thought I was shooting at the kid, but luckily Carl spoke up and explained. They took me back to their camp and Lori insisted I stay so that's what I did."

"And here you are," Negan said, impressed.

"Here I am."

"That kid was pretty damn special," Negan said fondly. "This world really does take the good ones, don't it?"

"I always think that it would have been easier if a person had killed him instead of a Walker, you know? At least then we would have an enemy."

"What, you don't think the Walkers are the enemy?"

"They're just a part of the new world," you explained. "Can't really call them an enemy if they didn't intend to be here in the first place."

Negan was quiet again as your words sank in. In fact, you were surprised that he hadn't spoken over you whenever he got the chance. According to the rest of your friends and family, the man loved to hear himself talk. You stored that new observation away for later.

"In your opinion," Negan said slowly, "what kind of person classifies as an enemy, or rather, just evil?"

"I've seen darkness, Negan," you told him. "We all have and it was before we even heard your name. If you're trying to ask me if I think you’re evil, the answer is no, I don't. Most of us here like myself, Daryl, Michonne, we've all seen what happens when someone has lost all trace of humanity. Seen what they do to other human beings and trust me, those are the evil people of this screwed-up world. You haven't lost your humanity, Negan, and I pray you never will."

Negan leaned his forearms onto his knees, rubbing a calloused hand over his bearded face. Something had clicked inside his head, that much was apparent, but you weren't sure what.

Yet.

"Sounds like you've been through hell," Negan whispered.

"And back," you finished. "Multiple times."

"You gonna tell me that story? About the loss of humanity?" His question wasn't overly eager, instead, it was all curiosity and you were starting to think that was the main characteristic of the man who once called himself the "big bad wolf".

"One day," you nodded. "If you'll let me come back again."

"I get to decide?" he asked, intrigued.

"Yeah, no point in coming down here if you won't talk to me. That would be wasting both of our time."

"Then by all means, (Y/N), feel free to drop by," Negan said, spreading his arms wide in a welcome gesture. You rolled your eyes but nodded.

"If it means anything," you said as you stood from your seat and turned towards the door, "Carl once told me that you were the only person he always trusted to tell him the truth, and coming from him, that's a lot."

Negan looked at you for a long moment before bowing his head. "Thanks for that," he said softly. You gave him a small smile, one more out of understanding than anything. Whether people hated him or not, nobody could deny that he cared about Carl Grimes and that the teen's death had affected him as well.

"I'll see you tomorrow," you told him as you pushed open the heavy door and stepped into the sunlight. Negan didn't call you back as you climbed the steps and began walking home.

You watched as Alexandria spun on, unaware of the emotions that ran deep through you at the moment. Gabriel and Michonne had been right, after all, Negan needed to talk to another human being, but perhaps that was exactly what you needed as well and you had a feeling this was just the beginning of an odd relationship.

TAGS: @thanossexual

#the walking dead #twd imagines #twd imagine #negan imagine #negan #negan x reader #reader insert #daryl dixon x reader #y/n #negan x y/n #the walking dead imagine #TWD fanfiction #the walking dead fanfiction #walkerwords

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bellasweetwriting · 4 years

Text

Fix His Broken Heart

Jess Mariano x f.reader

(not my gif)

masterlist

request: Hiii, i want a jess fic🥺 theres not enough jess mariano fics here, how about after rory goes to visit him at truncheon he meets the reader and she helps him move on from rory and he falls in love with reader. 💞💞

requested by: @beautiful-thinking

note: I’m a big literati shipper so this was hard but also fun to write I really love this

warnings: movie references, drinking, gilmore girls s2,s3 and s6 spoilers, some fancy vocabulary, Logan hate

word count: 1,7k

reading time: 7 min

And he saw her walk away to his arms. She found comfort in another guy. She moved one.

He hated himself for realizing that after all these years of knowing this person, still, it isn't enough. He and Rory evolved separately, they don't have the same goals or the same resources. As much as they try, it seemed like destiny didn't want their paths to cross one another.

He realized that he lost her as soon as she walked out of that door. She was gone. What now?

He'll probably see her again at Luke and Lorelai's wedding; hell, he'll even see Logan there also. The way he despited that guy. He cheated on her, and still, there she was, madly in love with him.

Logan is better than him in Rory's eyes, and he couldn't do anything to change that. He was a forgotten part of her story, an item locked inside a box that she opens when she feels lost. She probably doesn' think of him anymore like she used to.

But he thinks of her at least once a day. When he walks through the bookstore and notices the new edition of Dawn Powell's My Home Is Far Away, or when his friends bring coffee and offer to him, reminding him of her slight coffee addiction. Who's he kidding? There's nothing "slight" about Rory Gilmore's coffee addiction, it's concerning.

Any little thing reminded him of her and the fact that now he's sure she doesn't think of him anymore... saddens him.

Everyone was celebrating the success of the event that day, while Jess drowned his sorrows in a cold beer, also glancing over the girls that walked past him.

"I should warn you that if you are planning to Kurt Cobain on my bar, don't." That expression provoked an immediate reaction on Jess's face. "Not a fan of dark humor?"

"Not when it comes from the mouth of a stranger, not," he replied, making the girl chuckle. "Do you always attend your costumers like that, Rick Blaine?" Asked Jess naming the main character of Casablanca, who happened to owned a bar/restaurant in the 1940s.

"Rick Blaine? Don't tell me you are one of those guys who listen to The Clash on repeat and think they are better than the rest of the world because they know references from black and white movies and have read at least one book by Bukowski in the last three months." Jess drank from his beer, making the girl opened her mouth widely. "Oh, God, you are! A living Danielle Steel novel main character drinking alone in my bar." He laughed.

"I used to be that guy," Jess corrected her. "I've changed."

"A girl?"

"A breakup with a girl, to be fairer. I work at a little bookstore called Truncheon. We are all independent writers, and to give you some credit, some of us do look like Danielle Steel's characters. Not that I have read anything by her, though."

Jess wasn't like that. He didn't tell people he doesn't know about himself or his personal life, but for some reason, probably the effects of the alcohol in that beer were making him loosen up a bit with this complete stranger. Yeah, a significant event has happened in his life. The girl he thought he was going to be with forever decided to be with someone else rather than him, and he hasn't thought of anyone else romantically. He's so used to being alone, so used to not having anyone to actually talk to, that, maybe, liberating his internal thoughts and regrets with someone he isn't going to see again is probably for the best.

Not a therapist or a friend, just, someone external who isn't going to dig dipper in his subconscious to understand his situation and actions or someone who is involved in the story; someone who just―listens.

"You read one, you read them all." She commented. "Independent writers, huh? Have you published anything I have written?"

"Probably not," he said with that typical modesty he has earned through the pass of the years. "I just have one book out, is a self-published, so..." She nodded. "I actually did a little road trip, trying to make independent bookstores like mine to put them in the store. Probably, by the end of the month, I'll have twenty bucks and a sticker that says: «keep trying, champ.»"

"How poetic," the barista murmured, and both chuckle.

"Do you have a copy of your book?" She asked, and he nodded, giving it to her. "The Subsect, by Jess Mariano. Truncheon Books," she read before turning it around and reading the back cover. "«A self-published, prominent and dark-humored coming of age short novel following the unique life of J., a seventeen-year-old with no place to call home.» That's dark. How much for it?"

"Twenty bucks and a sticker," she chuckled, "or, a free beer."

"Sounds like a fair deal, Jess Mariano." He smiled at the mention of his name. "I'm Y/N."

"Nice to meet you, Y/N." She placed the book inside her apron with a tiny smile. "So you work here."

"Oh, you said that because of the apron and the fact that I'm behind the counter? No, I'm just a big fan of... college bars in Philadelphia." The sarcasm in Y/N's voice made Jess grin. "My brother owns the place. He lets me live upstairs while I go to college, and I pay rent by working here. The books you see behind me are mine. I study on my break."

"What are you studying?"

"English. I want to be a screenplay writer." He sighed before shaking his head. "What?"

"A film writer? Why?"

"I love films. I love watching them, reviewing them, analyzing them. I want to write masterpieces. What's wrong with that? At least I'm not writing coming of age short novels."

"It's not a coming of age novel, that's just the hideous synopsis that my poet friends come up with for the book. It's actually a lot deeper than that."

"The only way of finding that out is reading it, right?"

"Right."

Both looked at each other for a few seconds before she asked for his glass to refill that free beer she offered him.

"How about... if I come tomorrow, take you out, and you buy me that beer? How about that?" Y/N chuckle before agreeing. He didn't believe it actually worked. He had tried to ask girls out in the last two years, but they've always said that they weren't interested. But there was something different and intriguing about Y/N that had caught the young writer's attention. "At what time do you finish class?"

"Pick me up at eight here, I'll wait."

"Cool."

...............................................................................................................................

He was nervous.

A date. Jess has never even been on one before. Not even with Rory. He never took Rory on a date like a dinner or a movie before they started going out. He used to tease her, and she fell for him, God knows why.

He took Rory on dates when they were dating, although if you count the car ride as a date. No, it wasn't a date. She was Dean's girlfriend at the time, and he crashed her car.

Why did she even like him? He crashed her car for God's sake. If he was Rory, he would have hated himself.

He hated himself already.

It wasn't like in books. Girls are complicated, and the male writers he is so used to reading about usually don't talk about dates and how to get a girl; the girl is already in love with the main character.

She did mention Danielle Steel. Did she read that kind of dramas, like Nicholas Sparks and John Green, where the characters just die in each other's arms like a shoddy Shakespeare tragedy imitation? Did she like that? He didn't know how to be a "romance" kind of guy. He still used the "bully her because you like her" technique, and maybe that's the only part of him that hasn't changed with the years.

He still didn't know how to communicate and express himself. He still wasn't used to talking about his emotions or being in a healthy relationship where there's no such thing as privacy. He wasn't born to assist to cotillions and balls, wear tuxes like James Bond and use fancy words gentleman-like, such as "Farewell," "Luxury," "Eloquent," and "Hope you had a marvelous evening, thanks for joining us in our humble and splendid gathering."

But that was Rory's world. Probably Logan used words like that without even knowing the meaning of them.

He quickly noticed that thinking about his ex-girlfriend before a date wasn't a good sign.

Maybe he should stand her up? No, that is an old Jess move. He is a changed man, he doesn't treat girls like that anymore. He is better, he is more mature, he wants to achieve something, actually becoming a better and selfless person who thinks about the consequences before acting. He wasn't going to stand Y/N up.

By a quarter past eight, he was standing on the bar's entrance, making eye contact with the barista from the previous day. Y/N smiled at him before saying goodbye to the guy next to her, grabbing her purse and walking towards Jess.

"Thought you wouldn't show up, Romeo."

"Can't believe you took me for a coward."

"In my defense, I saw you drinking your problems away yesterday." He nodded before putting her coat on her shoulders for her, making Y/N smile. "What a gentleman."

"There are so many things you don't know about me. You would surprise yourself."

"Oh, let me guess: you've never been on a date before."

"What? Why would you say that?"

"Well, because we are walking instead of driving."

"I have a dark past with cars and girls. You wouldn't want me to be behind the wheel while you are inside the car after you hear it, believe me."

"Good to know." Both laughed as they walked under the streetlights of Philadelphia. "I've never been on a date either," she admitted, taking him by surprise, but not as much to make a comment about it.

Jess has never felt more comfortable. Next to her, he felt like he was free of judgments. Starting a new story, blank page, blank notebook. He felt safe, and he hasn't felt safe in another person's arms in such a long time.

This was good for him. To finally... move on.

And who better than her to fix his broken heart.

#gilmore girls #fiction #fanfiction #jess mariano #literati #jess mariano imagine #jess mariano x reader #pov #y/n #request #writing #milo ventimiglia

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welcometophu · 3 years

Text

The Meaning of Home, Chapter 3

The Meaning of Home Chapter 3

Tags for all Welcome to PHU novels will be available at the PHU tag list on Pillowfort. This list is under construction as of Sept. 5, 2021.

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“You could have mentioned.” Pawel fills a bowl with chili from the slow cooker, then adds a scoop of spiced chicken and cheese, and tops it with sour cream. He hands it to his dad and points to the table. “There’s salad, too.”

“More meat, Dad,” Conor says, handing him his bowl. “Beans are weird. They have a really strange texture.”

“They’re also good for you.” Pawel doesn’t skimp on his son’s bowl; he’s seen just how much his kid can pack away. “And you need to eat salad, too.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Conor mutters. He slides into one of the chairs at the tiny round table that sits between the kitchenette and living room. When all three of them sit down, there’s barely room to move. Pawel’s afraid he’s going to take a bite and end up elbowing his father in the nose.

Still, it’s good to have real food with them, and know that both of them are eating something healthy.

Pawel sits back a bit from the table so he doesn’t knock knees, and holds his own bowl in his hands. The chili isn’t as spicy as he usually makes it at home, but that’s probably better for his father’s stomach anyway.

“Could’ve mentioned what?” Dad asks.

He sounds so innocent.

“That the guy who takes in fosters and happens to work with you is Leo Papa. As in my ex-boyfriend Leo,” Pawel says dryly. “We bumped into him and Emma and another one of his fosters—”

“Jennie,” Conor supplies.

“—At the grocery store,” Pawel finishes, as if Conor hadn’t interrupted. “And oh, funny thing.” He glares at Dad, who blinks back at him, calmly eating. “Turns out Leo’s married to Colt Harrison. My other high school ex.”

“Emma’s dads are the guys you dated in high school?” Conor asks. “They’re really cool. Why didn’t you keep dating them?”

“Leo graduated and left. Colt and I went to different schools. I met your mom.” There’s a lot more to each of those stories, but Pawel doesn’t want to get into the details right here and now. He’s not sure he wants to talk about the drama of his teen life with his son in general.

Conor already knows enough of the details, like the fact that he was born while Pawel was still in school.

“Colt’s really calmed down,” Dad muses. “He used to have a lot of attitude when he was a kid. I remember when you first started dating him, and he’d look down at our house. He thought everything should be served up on a silver platter. Being a dad’s taught him a lot more about reality than anything else did, I think.”

“Are you telling me he doesn’t drive a Porsche anymore?”

Dad barks out a low laugh. “Where would he put five kids in a Porsche? They’ve got practical cars. Although if they take in any more kids, they’ll need one of those big vans, or a miniature bus.”

“Emma wants Dad to find her parents, so she can go home,” Conor reminds them. “She says she’s not staying. I’ll be sad when she goes, though. And her house is fun. It’s kind of chaotic. I mean, Duke’s quiet—he doesn’t talk at all—but Matt’s always saying stuff, and he keeps changing into different animals. And Duke and Matt fight, even if Duke doesn’t yell. He still seems to get his point across, and then he chases Matt, and yeah, it gets messy. You met Jennie—she’s cool, for a little kid, but she’s always eating. Nevaeh’s really pretty. She’s learning how to drive.”

Conor shovels food into his mouth, a spoonful between every sentence. His spoon clatters back into a mostly empty bowl, a few beans lingering in the bottom. “Can I go call Alan? We’re going to game tonight. I got my homework done while you were cooking.”

“Salad,” Dad reminds him, and Pawel’s thankful for the backup, even if Dad himself hasn’t taken any yet.

Conor puts just enough lettuce and vegetables into his bowl to satisfy the requirement, and finishes it quickly. He drops his spoon on the table. “Gonna go call Alan. Bye!”

The place is small enough that even though the door to the guest room bangs as it bounces closed, then open again, Pawel can still clearly hear Conor shouting a hello to Alan.

“How the hell do they have five kids?” Pawel can’t imagine trying to wrangle more than one.

“There are two of them. There’s a better adult to kid ratio, plus you know Leo’s family helps out.” Dad pulls the salad towards him, heaping his bowl full. “That’s what family does, and you know it. Ours is just smaller than most.”

Him, his dad, and Conor. Yeah. It’s a pretty small family.

Which reminds him, he should probably tell his dad about Chelsea.

Dad points his fork at him. “I’ll agree, though, I didn’t see it coming,” he continues. Pawel stays silent; Chelsea can wait if Dad’s going to tell him more about what the hell’s been going on while he was absent. “Leo and Colt were good together; have been since they first met. But when Leo came in and said he needed a few days off to go pick up a foster kid—almost four years ago, now—it was a hell of a surprise. Matt had a tough time of it, too. His parents gave him up, put him right into the foster system because he’d Emerged as Clan. If Lucy hadn’t gotten him out….” Dad trails off, shaking his head.

“Leo said something about Lucy and Rowan,” Pawel says slowly. “I have two students whose parents are in a triad, and two of those parents are Lucy and Rowan. I’ve spent time with their family in Vermont.”

“Likely the same,” Dad says. “Lucy’s a teacher, and she keeps an eye out for Talented kids who might slip through the cracks otherwise. Apparently she’s been doing it since before the Emergence; it’s just easier now. She’s got a network of teachers, and one of them knows Colt, and that’s how it all came together. Matt did so well with them that when Lucy found out about a thirteen-year-old girl who’d run away from her family with her baby sister, she brought them straight to Leo and Colt, too. Rowan’s a lawyer, and he’s the one who works to make sure the kids are safe, and aren’t going to end up back in bad places. Nevaeh and Jennie’s parents didn’t want a little girl who sparkled all the time, and they were a danger to her, so they were declared unfit.”

“Conor thinks they’ll adopt them. Since Jennie’s grown up with them.” Pawel’s still trying to assimilate it, putting “parents” into the same box as “ex-boyfriends” in his brain. He still sees them both as the awkward teenagers they used to be.

Colt would say he has never been awkward.

He might even be right.

“They’ve thought about it. I think Colt’s looked into it, but even with the parents out of the picture as they are, they’re still alive, so adoption becomes a tricky thing.” Dad picks up his empty bowl along with Conor’s and takes them over to the sink.

Pawel uses the freedom to stretch his legs under the small table. He’s barely eaten anything yet, so he starts working his way through his chili, letting his mind spin.

He should get in touch with Lucy and Rowan. They’ve talked before, more than once actually. Maybe it’d be good to let them know he’s aware of their efforts. That he knows Leo and Colt.

No, not like that. That makes it sound like he knows them better than he does. Until he ran into Leo in the store, he hadn’t seen him in more than a decade. It hasn’t been quite as long for Colt, but close enough.

Still. This sounds like something he should offer help with. Even if he can’t foster, he can help with Lucy’s ability to network down in Unity. He’s sure she could use that, and well, he owes her family for all the help they’ve given in the last year.

He scoops up the last mouthful of chili. That’s decided then. He’ll give them a call later. Or text them. Reach out, anyway.

“Bring me your bowl.” Dad waits until Pawel brings his dishes over before he adds quietly, “Never did figure out if you ended things on good or bad terms, but I know you moped about both of them enough to figure they weren’t easy breakups. They’re both doing well now. They’re good for each other. Leo’s a valuable part of my force, and Colt’s a voice to be reckoned with in the courtroom. They fight for Talented folks to be safe. So if you’re thinking of somehow getting in the middle of this….”

Dad’s voice trails off and he gives Pawel a look.

Pawel has no idea what Dad’s thinking. “Get in the middle of… no. What? I was just going to reach out and offer to be a liaison in Unity, if Lucy and Rowan don’t already have one. And thank them for all the help they’ve given us. And maybe talk to Colt and Leo about whether I can help Emma out. Since apparently people disappearing has become my specialty.”

Dad huffs and turns away. “Fine. Just don’t go making any trouble for them. They’re good folk.”

“I won’t. I’m just going to—” Pawel gestures at the couch, but that’s not really helpful for getting any distance or privacy. “Actually. Why don’t you go put your feet up. I’ll finish the clean up.”

“You cooked.” The protest is half-hearted.

“And I was home all day, so I can clean, too.” Maybe being home support is a good way to thank his dad for everything he’s done. It’s something Pawel can do, anyway.

The TV goes on loud enough that Pawel can hear it clearly over the running water. Pawel takes a moment to tap out a quick message to send to Lucy.

Heard you help find foster homes for Talented kids in need. My son’s met a few of the kids you placed in my home town. If you ever need a contact in Unity, I’d be happy to help.

He leaves his phone face up on the counter.

He’s up to his elbows in suds, scrubbing the inside of the slow cooker, when his phone buzzes. He glances over to see a response from Lucy.

I’ve actually got folks in Unity and Valiant, but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk. I already know you’ve got a vested interest in keeping Talented kids safe, and a larger network means more help. Just like we’ve been telling you with our family in Burlington: lean on people when you need them.

Even people who barely know him are giving him advice.

He lets the screen fade; he’ll reply later when his hands aren’t soaking wet. Instead he finishes filling up the small dishwasher and gets it started. As soon as the rumbling begins, Dad turns up the volume on the TV so he can hear over the rattling of the dishwasher.

It’s just too much noise for Pawel. He makes his way to the guest room, knocking on the half-open door before he nudges it wide enough to step inside. Conor waves a hand, and Pawel takes that as meaning close the door, so he does.

“What are you playing?” Pawel looks at the screen, but all he sees is Alan, who waves at him.

“We haven’t started playing yet.” Conor’s voice is too loud, his headphones still covering his ears. Pawel taps at them, and Conor removes them and switches the sound to the speakers. “We’ve just been talking. Alan was telling me about all the things happening at home. I really like my class and my teacher here, but I really miss home. Except for Marjorie. I don’t really miss her.”

“But you miss me,” Alan says, grinning. “Hi, Mister Szczek.”

They’ve known each other long enough that Polish names, along with the random few words Conor knows and has shared, roll off Alan’s lips like he’s part of the family. Well, he and Conor are schoolyard married, so maybe he is part of the family.

“Hi, Alan. Actually, I’ve got a question for you both.” Pawel sits down on the bed next to Conor, leaning in so he’ll be on camera. “I picked up tickets for SongFest out in Buffalo this weekend. I was thinking you could join us if you boys want.”

“You got us tickets for SongFest? Do I get to see Rory and Thorne on stage? What about that girl? Trish? Is she doing music there, too? You changed your mind! You said I was too young for concerts.” Conor bounces on the bed enough that the laptop wobbles. Pawel reaches out to stabilize it as Alan laughs.

“You’re too young for clubs,” Pawel says. “And this is going to be a long day, out in the hot sun, assuming it doesn’t rain on Saturday. But I figured we could give it a try, and since it’s outside, the music won’t be quite as bad on your ears. You already don’t listen to half of what I say.”

“Mom says my dad and me have selective hearing,” Alan volunteers.

“She’s not wrong. Sometimes it’s better to just not listen. Can’t get in trouble if you don’t hear it,” Conor agrees. His gaze slides sideways, as if he forgot Pawel is sitting there. “Soooooooo,” he draws the word out before his gaze locks back on Alan on the screen. “Can you go with us?”

“We’d be driving out on Friday,” Pawel clarifies. “The actual festival is in Buffalo on Saturday, and it goes late. We’d have a hotel for both nights, and come back on Sunday.”

The smile falls away as Alan shakes his head. “I can’t this weekend. It’s my cousin’s birthday next week, and we’re doing a big family thing this weekend in Boston. She’s my aunt’s miracle baby, and we always get the whole family together to celebrate her. She’s three this year. She’s my oldest aunt and my youngest cousin. I’m youngest, before her.”

Conor ducks his head. “Oh.” He pulls his blanket onto his lap, picking at the fuzz on it.

“We’ll have to find a different weekend for Alan to come out and visit then,” Pawel says firmly. The boys have been apart for two months, and that’s a long time in a nine-year-old’s life. “Then you can introduce Alan to Emma.”

“We’ve met.” Alan sounds cheerful about that. “She’s pretty cool. She and Conor call me sometimes. I think she should come live with you guys when you come home.”

Conor makes a low scoffing noise. “She’s not like a stray dog. We can’t just keep her. She’s already got foster dads, and besides, my dad is going to find her parents. Then she’ll have to go wherever her home really is. Which will suck, because I really like hanging out with her, but it’ll make her happy, so that’s cool.”

“Yeah, that’s really cool you’re going to do that, Mister Szczek,” Alan echoes.

It’s very cool, right up until the moment Pawel thinks about how that means figuring out a plan, and then interacting with Leo and Colt to enact that plan.

“I’ll do my best.” Pawel touches Conor’s shoulder. “Why don’t you guys do your game for a bit. It’s a school night, so you still need to get to bed.”

Conor shakes his head, as if he can shake off the blues. Maybe it works, because he’s smiling when he reaches for his laptop. “Okay, Alan. Let’s do this.”

Pawel is clearly dismissed.

He exits the room, leaving the door propped just enough that he can hear the rumble of Conor talking as he puts his headphones back on, and nothing else. Dad’s half-asleep on the couch, watching a show through his eyelids, so Pawel sinks down there and joins him. As Dad snores softly, Pawel grabs the remote and stops the show. Dad can get back to it later, and he won’t notice Pawel channel surfing while he snoozes.

Time passes in a haze of snippets of comedy and drama. Pawel can’t seem to find anything he really wants to watch, and Dad has no opinions as he naps. Pawel keeps one eye on the time, and he’s just about to call out when he hears Conor yell, “Got to go! Bye!” The sound of the laptop closing is clear enough to make Pawel wince, but he knows that machine has put up with a lot from his son already.

Conor emerges a few minutes later, already in his pajamas. He heads straight for the bathroom, and Pawel can hear the water running as he brushes his teeth and gets ready for bed. By the time Conor makes it into the living room, the noise has disturbed Dad, who sits upright and yawns.

“Bed,” Pawel says firmly, not entirely certain which one of them he’s talking to. Probably both.

“Goodnight son.” Dad squeezes Pawel’s shoulder as he stands. He reels Conor in for a long hug on his way by, then disappears into his own room.

Conor stands there, hands clasped behind his back, his lower lip drawn in between his teeth.

“You want something,” Pawel says.

“Since Alan can’t go and you said you already bought a ticket, can we bring Emma with us to the festival this weekend?” Conor blurts it all out in a rush, biting his lip again when he’s done. “I know you don’t know her really well yet, but she’s nice and we won’t be trouble and it would really be a lot of fun.”

If Pawel takes Emma all the way to Buffalo, he can’t see her foster parents letting her go alone.

Pawel slides his palm over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. He hears the soft, defeated exhale from Conor.

“Okay,” Conor says softly. “I get it.”

“That’s not—” Pawel hesitates, peeking between his fingers at where his son stands there, waiting for an answer. “I can’t promise anything, but I’ll talk to her fathers. Foster fathers.” Even without Emma there to correct him, he corrects himself. He understands the importance of terminology. Sometimes you have to make sure you say things the right way. Words have power, even when you’re nine.

Words might even have more power over children. That’s why it’s important to acknowledge the ones they want to use.

Conor darts across the room, plowing into where Pawel is still on the couch for a flying, tackling hug. “Thanks, Dad. I love you. Can I tell Emma you’re going to ask? Should it be a surprise? When are you going to ask?”

So many questions.

So many complications to this one simple request.

Pawel wraps his arms around his son, choosing to just hold on for the moment. He pats Conor on the back, and Conor slowly disengages from the hug, bouncing on his toes as soon as he’s upright.

“I’ll talk to Leo and Colt,” Pawel promises. “But you need to give me time.”

“It’s already Tuesday,” Conor whines. “You said we’re going on Friday. That’s not a lot of time. Wait, what about school? Are you taking me out of school?”

“That’s one of the things I’ll need to talk to Leo and Colt about.” One thing among several. And this is coming out of the blue, after all these years of silence. Because of course Pawel’s son has managed to dump him into chaos. It’s what the Szczeks do.

“For now,” Pawel adds, “go to bed. Let me take care of the adult things, okay?”

“Okay. G’night, Dad!” Conor slams the door to his room behind him.

Pawel’s left on the couch—his bed for the summer—alone with his thoughts.

So. They’re taking Emma to the festival. He promised. If her foster fathers allow her to go.

There are so many ways in which this could get awkward.

It’s up to Pawel to take the first step, so he opens his phone and brings up a text to Leo’s number.

Okay. Dinner. When?

He presses send. There, that’s started. It’s in the hands of his exes now.

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#welcome to phu #welcometophu #the meaning of home

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demivampirew · 4 years

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Keep calm and go to London.

Tag list: Here’s the incredible people who showed me support (thank you so much for that) and people who asked me to tag them too ☺️ (I think I will write a few chapters of this story, if you want me to tag you, tell me ☺️ ) @cavillanche @mary-ann84 @henry-owns-these-tatas @yespolkadotkitty @dancingwendigo constip8merm8 penwieldingdreamer iloveyouyen littlefreya wondersofdreaming alyxkbrl solariumss sweetybuzz25 @agniavateira

Trigger warning: talking about depression; low self-stem and body image issues.

Disclaimer: I mentioned “Jared” in the story, because Jared Leto is my former celebrity boyfriend 😂 🤣 , before I found othe much better (sorry Jer) -if you want to think in other celebrity, you can 😁 -

You were in London for a few days. Your excuse was to visit some old friends that you haven't seen in a while, but the truth was that were trying to scape Los Angeles for a while. It's been a month since your breakup with Jared and you recently found out that the same day that you broke up with him, he slept with that woman that he sweared was just a friend. You knew that he did it in purpose just to hurt you for hurting him, but still it was an awful feeling to know that the person you spend the last five years of your live, who hold you while you cry all day in the last few months due to your depression, and who knew exactly how you feel about that woman, would be capable of doing something like that. Last September, during your tour in Latinamerica, you fell into a deep depression. Brian - your manager and best friend- found you a good therapist that agree to see you via videocall. At first, you didn't want anyone to find out -beside Jared, Brian and Beth, your other best friend- but soon enough you decide to make an statement on your Instagram account, explaining what you were going through. You made that desition after you saw lots of comments from your Latino fans complaining that you didn't have the same love for them as you have for the American and European fans, because you didn't laugh and smile as much in the meet and greets and during the concerts. It hurt immensely to know that they felt thay way, so you decide to let them know it was true that you weren't able to act happy like you did in the other parts of your world tour, but that it had nothing to do with them or that they love them less than your other fans. After your statement, you receive a lot of support and love and you decide to become an advocate for depression and mental health issues; to fight to erase the stigma around them. Another thing that you did, was promise yourself that you were going to get better, not matter what it takes, your going to get through this. What you didn't realize in that moment, something that a part of you knew for a long time but was avoiding at all cost, is that you needed to end your relationship with Jared if you wanted to get better. He was not a bad man, but he was a terrible boyfriend and you knew it, even if you always tried to make it seem like if he was the perfect partner. He had a few good qualities, like he'd cook for you, and sometimes would text you to tell you that he missed you, and he would hug you every night for sleep. But, unfortunately, that didn't compare to his flaws: he was always working or hagging out with his friends -who included lots of skinny models, one of them was a former lover of his and she even told you to your face that she had feelings for him-; you never went into vacations together because he always cancel last minute due to some work related issue -but yet, he will always find time to travel with friends-, you moved into his house, that you didn't like and when you suggested to buy a new house together he opposed. He had a lots of flaws, but the worst one was the fact that he wanted to keep your relationship in secret. For the first two years of your relationship, you agreed to this because you didn't want paparazzi follow you around everywhere you go, or people commenting on your relationship -especially on the fact the he was nineteen years older than you, you knew that people would love to critize that-, but after a few years, you just wanted to have a normal relationship. You wanted to go to coffeeshops, to travel, to go to a restorant with your boyfriend, to go to the premiere of the movie you were in or an award show together, etc. But he wanted the relationship to remain a secret. It wasn't until one day that you finally convince him to take you out to a restorant that people found out because paparazzi took pictures of you two and the next day the were all over the internet. He say that was ok but gave you the silent treatment for a few days. The fact that he was reluctant to the idea of your relationship being public and being seen with you affected you a lot. You grew up with lots of self-steem and body image issues and before started dated him you finded a way to be ok with your body and even feel sexy and confident, but in the last few years you were back in the self-hate train. You could stop yourself from comparing your curvisious body to the bodies of the skinny Victoria Secret's models friends of your boyfriend. You were barely being intimate in the last few years, which made everything worst because it made you feel undesirable. But luckily, thanks to therapy, you realize what you needed to do. After breaking up with him, you moved out with your best friend Beth, until you decide your next move. You were feeling tired of LA but didn't want to live in New York either, those places were too big and too loud for you; what you were looking for is some peace. London was such a beautiful city. You'd been there before lots of times, but always for work - you were not only a successful actress, but also a famous musician and one of the biggest songwriters and producers in the world- so you never had much time for sightseeing. After a week, you felt a joy that you haven't felt in a while. That city was so magical. And you also got the chance to see some old friends. It felt like if you finally, after so long, you were alive again. That night you were invited by a friend to one of her friends birthday party. He was the actor Simon Pegg and they worked together in the last two Mission Impossible movies, as she told you. She assure you that she asked Simon if he was ok with you coming to the party and he say yes. You were not a party lover, but thought that probably it'd be a great idea to get out of you confort zone for once. You put up a black lace cocktail dress with long sleeves and let your curls free. Put some makeup -you decide to go for more a natural look- and your favourite perfume and went to the party to meet your friend. Once there, you sigh in relive when you saw that the place wasn't too crowded and the music was not too loud. Your friend was waiting for you by the bar, so you went there and after a long hug you two got reaquented. Last time you saw eachother was when you played a concert in London a year ago. You didn't realize how much you missed her until you saw her again. After an hour or so, your friend was looking to her right and notice something. -Come with me. I want to greet some friends.- she said. You followed her and saw her greet a group of gentlemen. Your friend begin to introduce you to the three men. -Y/N, this is Chris; Chris, this is Y/N. - Yes, I know who she is.- Chris replied - It's a pleasure to meet you. -Thank you, it's a pleasure to meet you too. - And he's Edgar.- she continued. - Nice to meet a legend like you- Edgar said while shaking your hand. - I think that's a bit exagerated...but just a bit- you said smirking. -And he's Henry. - The mighty Witcher - you say in a playful voice as you shake his hand. -The one and only - he said, grinning - It's a real pleasure to meet you. - Same here. - you replied. You felt a tingly sensation; like electicity running down your spine and you weren't sure if it was because of his touch, because of his captivating smile, his piercing eyes or his deep voice; probably the combination of all of those things. Some time went by and Chris excuse himself and went to talk to other people. My friend was talking to Edgar and I was chatting with Henry. I told him that I was a huge fan of the show and it was a shame that I haven't had time to read the books yet or play the games. He was really surprised when a told him that I actually enjoy playing videogames, although I don't do it very often due to lack of time. We chat about our favourite games and books. At some point in the night, my friend and I went to the ladies room and after we made our way back to the group, Edgar started to ask me some questions. -So, Y/N, I heard about your breakup. I'm really sorry - He said. - Not need to be sorry.- I replied -Oh, ok. I wonder, now that you are single again, are you open to date? -Edgar! Are you trying to hook up with my friend? - my friend questioned in a protective way - No! I'm not asking for me. There's some friends -he cleared his troat- that find her really beautiful and I know would love to have the chance to have a date with her and I just wanted to know if she'd open to the idea. This friends are pretty cool guys, I promise. - Yes, I supose - I answered, not entirely sure. The idea of a blind date doens't sound appeling to me. -Great! We'll see later about that.- he said and then he look at Henry, like if the two of them were having a mental conversation and then he asked my friend to go with him to pick up some drinks. I continue to talk with Henry about games and the show and then he told me that he was going to visit the set the next day and asked me if I was interested in going to see it with him and of course that's not something I'd say no to. So we exchanged phone numbers and I decided to head back to the hotel so I could get some rest to be able to enjoy the next day.

#henry cavill #fanfiction #demivampirew #henry cavill x reader

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ncisladaily · 3 years

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Life started to fall apart for Kensi (Daniela Ruah) and Deeks (Eric Christian Olsen) last month on the Season 12 premiere of NCIS: Los Angeles when Deeks was informed that his services as an LAPD liaison to NCIS were no longer needed. And to make matters worse, he can’t return to the LAPD because of cutbacks, his job there was also eliminated.

It couldn’t have come at a worse time because the couple were discussing buying a house and starting a family.

“Last season, Kensi was concerned about getting pregnant,” Ruah tells Parade.com. “The biggest disagreement between Deeks and Kensi was the fact that he was ready to settle down and have children and she just wasn’t ready to do that because she didn’t know who she was without this job. And now the table’s turned a little bit, now he’s the one who’s very concerned about the logistics, which makes total sense.”

The fact that they have each seem to have done a 180 makes for an interesting storyline. And viewers can’t find fault with either of them because both of them are completely justified in how they feel about the situation.

“Deeks is very concerned about the logistics, about having only one income, and we’re about to buy a house and we want to get pregnant,” Ruah continues. “And we can’t afford to do any of this right now. She has become the glass is half full partner in the relationship. ‘We’re going to make it work. We can do this. We can do this because together we can do anything,’ which is incredibly romantic because she loves him so much. It’s like, ‘We’re going to make our life work the way we want it to work no matter what, we just have to figure it out.’”

To compound matters even more, Deeks also finds out that the ship has sailed when it comes to attending FLETC (Federal Law Enforcement Training Center) and becoming a full-fledged NCIS agent, because he is too old. And Hetty (Linda Hunt), who can normally solve all difficulties of this sort, has tried and failed.

“That seems to be a FLETC thing,” Ruah explains. “It’s like, ‘Well, actually, they don’t take people above a certain age.’ It’s an academy where kids go to learn. So, that’s definitely a big obstacle that these two are going to have to overcome.”

Whether the two will catch a break remains to be seen–although Ruah does hint at a possible positive resolution down the line. Even so, in the present, Kensi has lost her partner of 11 years and is functioning on her own. It will work out to her advantage in this Sunday night’s “Raising the Dead” episode, when she is recalled to an old case.

In order to get intel on a matter of national security, Kensi must come face-to-face with David Kessler (Frank Military), a sociopath who has been obsessed with her since she put him in jail years ago. And like Clarice Starling in Silence of the Lambs, Kensi has to stand outside his glass cage and try to get information out of him as he taunts her.

Like Hannibal Lecter, David Kessler picks up on clues and vibes and he can tell that Kensi has gotten married and he senses there is an issue when it comes to starting a family.

“There is definitely a crack in her armor when he talks about her inability to have babies,” Ruah says. “There’s definitely a viciousness in her in that moment. But, of course, you have the guy behind the glass who is incredibly dangerous and he’s attempting to manipulate and get information by prodding and stabbing away. It’s hard not to equate it to that, but I don’t think it’s exactly the same as Silence of the Lambs.”

The last few seasons, there seems to have been at least one Kensi-centric episode and each time we get one, we find out something new about her. Are you still learning things about her, too?

Yeah. For one, I learned during the episode that her capturing of David Kessler was what got Hetty’s attention and what brought Kensi into this team, the Office of Special Projects. I didn’t know that.

But we don’t necessarily delve into her history. We know about her father and we know about the ex-fiancé who suffered PTSD and left her on Christmas. We’ve found out a lot about this girl. Let’s face it. She has a pretty traumatic past. She lived on the streets as a young girl, ran away from home, didn’t have much of a relationship with her mom. So, she has a pretty phenomenal background that has shaped her and given her this incredible amount of resilience and strength.

She’s like a Phoenix. This girl just keeps coming back from the ashes, no matter what the trauma, whether it was being kidnapped by the Taliban in Season 5 in Afghanistan, or getting caught under a helicopter when flying back from Syria in Season 8 and then having to fight through having half her body being paralyzed.

The show has a different feel this season. Hetty is out again, Nell is subbing for her, Beale is off somewhere. We have two new characters, Fatima and Roundtree. Does it bring a new energy to the show?

Definitely, and then, of course, we can’t forget that there’s a pandemic that we’re also working around. On the show we’ve chosen to make this sort of a post-pandemic setting, or some parallel world where it hasn’t happened, and so we have to take a lot of precautions to be able to not have our masks on.

So, that means less people in a scene to avoid too much contact, a few more phone calls as a result, and you have to adapt the directing to stuff like that. If you just have two sitting ducks at desks talking on the phone, that’s not interesting no matter what they’re talking about. So, you have to create movement within those scenes where there’s only a few people at a time. You don’t get the whole cast in the ops center anymore.

Even the cast is in pods each episode. So, we’ll seldom interact with everybody, or never interact with everybody, in one episode. But after 12 years, you have to have fresh blood. You have to have a fresh energy. You have to have a new input. Not because the audience is tired of us or anything like that, but, I think, it makes it more interesting. And now you have two new characters to fall in love with and get to get to know.

And new story possibilities?

New story possibilities, new connections, new relationships. I love those two. Fatima [Medalion Rahimi] and Roundtree [Caleb Castille] have been incredibly rich additions to this show. I think the more we get to know them as characters, the more interesting this is going to become. I have had the title of junior agent for the longest time and I think I still do, which is weird. I feel like I should’ve been promoted by now. But Kensi was the green one learning from Callen [Chris O’Donnell] and Sam [LL Cool J], and now she’s experienced.

In real life, becoming a mom, and having a real life to manage, especially now with homeschooling and learning my lines, and there’s no break from anything now, which is fine because I love hanging out with my kids. But it brings something else to you. And now to be the big sister to someone else, or the mama bear to someone else as characters, I like that transition. I don’t want to be the junior agent forever. I want to evolve into someone who’s now guiding someone else.

But Kensi doesn’t want Hetty’s job?

No, I don’t think Kensi’s cut out for Hetty’s job. I think the fact that they’ve placed Nell in that position is pretty brilliant, because we know that Nell is an incredible field agent. The times that we’ve seen her in the field, she’s more than capable. She’s incredibly intelligent, so is Kensi, but listen, different people are cut out for different things, and I don’t think that Kensi is cut out for the Hetty position.

I heard when Beale returns, he’s going to have a different job. Can you elaborate on that?

So, if you remember last season, Beale was developing this technology for a company in San Francisco, and the company went bust. But the technology that he was developing is his, and so he’s continued to develop it. And now Mr. Beale has become a multi-million-dollar tech guy, who rolls in in new clothes on one of those electric monocycles, sporting a mustache. The man has come a long way. We don’t have the polar bear pajama bottoms anymore. I think that Mr. Beale probably has Chanel pajama bottoms now.

Here’s a frivolous question: are you keeping the shorter hair or are you growing it back out?

Definitely growing it back out. I like it short, but I’m growing it back out. Maybe once it gets to a certain length, I’ll cut it off and donate it again. That’s why I cut it off. It has to be at least 10 inches and it can’t be bleached.

#interview #Daniela Ruah #s12 #ncis la #ncisla #NCIS Los Angeles

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scandeniall · 4 years

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Playing Games

Pairing: Iwaizumi x Reader, mention of akaashi x reader

Request from @mel-melona: hi! I saw that you opened song requests and thought I’d drop one here if you’ve got time. So here’s the vibe, Playing Games by Anna of the North

wc: 1642

summary: A story in which you and iwaizumi break eachother’s hearts again and again.

Breaking your own heart. It was something Iwaizumi never considered. Throughout the years he’d thought heartbreak was at the hands of others. But, to an extent, he was right. As he scrolled his instagram a simple picture completely shattered his own heart. You had been seated on the lap of none other than ex fukurodani setter, Akaashi Keiji. What stood out even more was the way your hand extended to show the shiny diamond resting on your ring finger You were officially gone, and it was all his fault.

“Let's get married.” It was the first thing you’d ever said to him. You guys were 8 years old. The way You’d ran up to him at recess caught him off guard. The flowers held tight between your fingers couldn't have been for him. The dirt staining your outfit was an indication that you’d just picked the flowers. “No.” It was the first thing he ever said to you. The way your eyes filled with tears made the young boy uncomfortable. However, before he could apologize, or cry because you were crying a voice interrupted. “Iwa-chan, you made them cry.” That was how you wound your way into Iwaizumi’s life, and the first time he broke your heart.

----

The sun had started to set when the three of you started to make your way home. You stayed after school to watch the practice of Kitagawa Daiichi’s boys volleyball team. Your friends had made the team with ease years ago and as the three of you were almost with junior high you took every chance you could to see your boys play. “You didn’t have to wait on us you know.” You only shrugged. “I like watching you play Iwa. You're really cool” Had the golden hour sun not been illuminating you guys, you might’ve noticed the redness that crept up his ears. “Aren’t I cool too (Y/N),” your third party exclaimed. “You’d be cool if you stopped overworking yourself shittykawa.” You couldn’t help but laugh at the scold, and it was the first time Iwaizumi noticed how amazing the sound was.

“Besides, I’m gonna really miss you guys.” The words came out quietly, both boys brows furrowing with confusion. “I thought you were applying to Aboa Johsai too.” Iwaizumi covered the frantic tone with a cough. He remembered how he blamed it on dirt flying into his mouth. Even at 14, it seemed weird but you let it pass. The reality of what you were able to tell your best friends settling in. “I’m moving to Tokyo after this year ends. I’ll be going to Fukurodani Academy.” That was the first time you broke Iwaizumi’s heart.

----

He promised. He promised he’d only be a phone call away, and that nothing would change. You would talk or text everyday and it would be like nothing changed. The tears that drowned your pillowcase currently made you feel like otherwise. It was halfway through 1st year and not only was it harder to make friends in Tokyo, but you couldn't even turn to your best friend/ After All, he was the reason for the tears.The summer before you left you and Iwaizumi found yourself in your first relationships with one another. Shortly after you admitted that you would be moving after your last year, Iwaizumi admitted to having a crush on you. The awkward conversation consisted of him telling you that he thinks that he likes you. “Or I just really like your laugh and your smile, and jokes.”

The two of you ended junior high and went into your first years of high school despite living in two different places. The promise of taking the train every weekend to see one another sounded good in the head of two early teens who were still in the honeymoon stage. However, the distance wore and as Iwaizumi and Oikawa began getting more and more involved with one volleyball there was no time for you. “Someone at school confessed to me today. I don’t know how I feel.” The admission not only led to a breakup, but the second time Iwaizumi broke your heart.

----

“Shhhh your parents are home,” you laughed against his lips. You were met with the hands on your hips sliding upwards and fingers beginning to move rapidly along the skin of your waist. The legs you had tangled with his began to twitch and you had to slap your hand over your mouth to keep from laughing loudly at the way Iwaizumi’s hands tickled you. The two of you had made up shortly after your “‘breakup”. If you could even call it a relationship given how young you were. Now halfway through your third year, you tended to travel to Miyagi twice a month to see your childhood friends. You always told your parents that you were staying at your cousin’s for the weekend, however would always sneak out with their help. You tended to find yourself sharing whispered jokes and soft kisses with your first love.

“Are you sure you have to go back tomorrow,” The groan vibrated against your neck from where Iwaizumi had his lips rested. “We can always just skip school and stay like this.” Your hands lightly thread through the soft strands. “Our parents would absolutely kill us. Besides I promised I’d help Akaashi, with some science problems tomorrow.” You didn’t notice it but something kin to jealousy flickered through his eyes. It was lightning fast, and he composed himself even faster. The two of you weren’t dating by any means, the distance not being worth it. Those were his words not yours. However, he didn’t know you were that close to the setter. “Is that the setter?” Iwaizumi knew the answer. Afterall, you helped with the volleyball on occasion, and could be seen hanging out with them on snapchat sometimes. Your nod of confirmation only prompted home to continue. “I didn’t know you two were that close.”

“I’ve gotten close with everyone on the team.” He doesn’t miss the way you stress the word and has to force himself not to sound like a jealous asshole. “Besides, he has the same teacher I had last year and I still have those notes.” The warmth on his body fades as you sit up, eyeing him silently. “You know, you two resemble each other. Dark haired, pretty eyed. Handsome. Maybe I do have a type.” The last words come out as a tease. However, at the slightest indication of you being interested in Akaashi, you broke Iwaizumi’s heart for the second time.

----

Iwaizumi remembered how you cried when he told you that he was going to college in California. Your puffy eyes and reddened face made his heart ache, however he still found you to be the most beautiful person in the world. The night before he left he gave you a necklace. Just a simple silver chain that had been his, but he rarely wore. He told you it was to remember him by and for you to still feel close to him. The two of you promised to keep in contact, an unspoken promise to pick things up one day.

However, that never happened. You’d visited him once down in California and he took you to a few parties, at which he ended up ditching you halfway through the night. It wasn’t intentional, but his new life without you just seemed more appealing. The crack in our heart so tiny it was practically unnoticeable.The following days he’d apologize, with a gentle caress along your jaw and a sweet kiss to match. Still the two of you had no title. When you returned back home, you’d two worked out a time schedule in which you two would talk. Slowly his calls became less frequent and you found out he’d be out living his new life. Your face time Netflix party dates with Iwaizumi eventually dissipated. As the cracks in your heart continued to grow, you began to find solstice in your old friend Akaashi. However, whenever you seemed to start moving on in your own life, your first love found his way back into your life.

A simple text checking in to tell you that he missed you. To a random call while it was 3 am for him, because he wanted to hear your voice. And then he got too busy again. Too busy to confirm that he was out safe, or to remind you how much he cared. Each time the once tiny crack grew bigger and bigger. Although it was unintentional, his arrival and departure served as a silent reminder to not move on. Too keep waiting on someone who just wasn’t willing to keep you. At least not in the moment.

Eventually texts turned into once a month, and then once every few months, and then only on holidays and birthdays.However, Iwaizumi would miss the subtle mentions of Akaashi and the way the relationship began to blossom. He’d waved it off as the two of you just being friends as his chance slowly diminished.

----

As Iwaizumi read the caption, he’d found out the two of you had been dating for the last 3 and a half years. You looked so happy. The two of you are 25 now, and he had every intention of returning back home for a while, hoping to reconnect with old friends, including you. As he observed the picture, he picked up a tiny detail that anyone else would have bypassed. Zooming in, he noticed you still wore the silver chain of his. His heart briefly raced, but another look at the way your eyes shined brighter than all the stars in the sky said it all. He had lost you. Maybe not as a friend, but as a lover. For the last time you broke Iwaizumi’s heart.

a/n: i just binged this out and now its 3am but im gonna post it now anyways. This was fun and I hope i did it justice bc obviously this isnt a happy ending type song. But it was also fun to just write. Anyways thank u for requesting and song requests are open: check this post for rules (ish)

#haikyuu x reader #hq x reader #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu imagines #iwaizumi x reader #iwaizumi imagine #request #haikyuuwritersnet

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letters-from-r · 3 years

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I Burn: A Review

I'm not good at reviewing things but I thought I should say some things about (G)I-DLE's 4th mini album 'I Burn' since this is the first comeback I'll be witnessing as a Neverland. I know next to nothing about the technicalities of music, so I'll say what I want to say as easy as I can say it.

If you come across this post, please give the album a listen before reading my review. I recommend listening with headphones/headset! Here’s the link to the album on Spotify.

#1: HANN (Alone in Winter)

The first song on the abum is called HANN, which is a continuation to their previous song also called HANN. HANN 2.0 starts out exactly like it promises: chilling. A few piano beats that goes lower with each beat, a lone high beat followed by a lone low beat, all the while a strong wind blows in the background. It gave me the feeling of being isolated.

The song talks about a neverending winter after a breakup (one that happened preceding the events of HANN 1.0). Based on the lyrics, the main character seem to be in the middle of a very long winter, alone for a very long time. The line ‘Is it my greed to wait for your spring again?’ gives me the impression that the main character has not completely moved on from the ex yet, but there is an obvious negative feeling towards this ex as well.

I can tell that this song is supposed to be from the perspective of someone who is hurting, with Yuqi and Miyeon’s verses followed by a melodious shout (?) that seem to convey hurting. I can’t explain it very well but I can feel the emotions by the way they sing the lyrics.

The song is dominantly accompanied by piano, whose melody goes perfectly with the message the lyrics are communicating. Shuhua’s melodic ‘Lalala lalala’ adds to the overall melancholic feeling of the song.

When I first heard this song it didn’t have as strong of an impact on me as it does now, it’s a song that gets better the more you listen to it. I’ve watched quite a few fan edits of this song as well, and it goes well with period dramas and movies with sad endings. The title came from the Korean word ‘Han’ which is a feeling that cannot be directly translated to English, but from what I gathered it means something along the lines of feeling empty or void, alone, sad, the feeling of having lost someone, etc.

Overall, I give this song a rating of 9.3/10.

#2: HWAA (Fire, Flower) [Title Track]

I think even if Soyeon didn’t say beforehand that HANN (Alone), HANN (Alone in Winter), and HWAA were connected, just by reading the lyrics I would definitely know. HWAA starts out with a Soyeon singing verse, which is one of my favorite things ever (because I know her raps are fire but girl can also sing so well!).

The song starts out cold as well, and it gets warmer as the song goes on. I love how you can especially tell that the song is cold with Minnie’s first verse. She does this thing with her voice that will make you feel chilly. As the song goes on, it will become bass-heavy, which I love.

The message that I got from this song is that the main character is now in their lowest of lows (’The darkness gets deeper’ from Soyeon’s first verse), which means they can only go up from there. The main character has finally cried all their tears (’I can’t live any more tears’ from Soojin’s first verse) and is now ready to bloom again.

Soyeon’s rap verse gives me the idea that the main character is ready to completely erase the memory of their ex (’I won’t leave any traces of you, even the resentment I can’t say is far and wide’), or at least use this to fuel their rebirth (’It will release the cold, enjoy spring again, all memories become fire or fertilizer’). Soyeon’s genius is especially evident in this track, because throughout the whole song she will keep referencing the title (HWAA) with both of its meaning (Fire, Flower) without it feeling disconnected from each other. ‘Fire will release the cold, enjoy spring again (with flowers), all memories become fire (to further fuel fire) or fertilizer (to nourish the flower).’ I think it’s absolutely brilliant!

In HANN (Alone) and HANN (Alone in Winter) it was kind of evident that the main character is resentful of or angry at their ex for what happened, and in HWAA the main character is still angry but for a different reason: they’re angry at losing their ‘spring’ and is now using this anger to fuel their rebirth (’I get mad, get mad even more to regain the lost spring’ from Yuqi’s verse).

The chorus to this song is a harmonic, melodic, singing of ‘HWAA’ from all of the members (but if I’m not mistaken the chorus itself is mostly led by Shuhua). At first it seemed lacking to put such little words in the chorus, but after watching (G)I-DLE’s latest I-Talk episode where Soyeon talks a little about HWAA, it now makes sense. Soyeon said that the way the chorus is sang represents how the fire burns (you’ll get it when you listen to it, at least I did). In fact, Shuhua’s line before the chorus (’Set fire’) kind of says it all.

Honestly, I wish I was born speaking Korean, or at least knew how to speak Korean, because I can only imagine how impactful these lyrics are. Soyeon has said in a behind the scenes video that she used old Korean words for this album to properly convey the message.

Overall, I give this song a 9.2/10.

#3: MOON

This track holds a special place in my heart because it’s one of two tracks composed by Minnie (yes, my bias). Also because the track is called ‘Moon’ which I think is pretty cool. Plus, the lyrics are written by Soyeon, so it’s guaranteed good.

When I hear the word ‘moon’ I automatically associate it with emotions, maybe it’s the hidden astrology bitch inside of me but anything that has to do with the moon I immediately think ‘emotions’. This track is one of those things, and I know I’m right this time.

The song starts with a Minnie verse, and from the start you’d know it’s quite different from the previous two songs. Although personally I think all six songs are similar in such a way that they all seem to ‘take place’ at night, either on a night drive with friends or alone on a roof staring at the moon or alone in your bedroom staring outside the window, they all seem like the type of songs that you’d listen to at night.

Anyway, I kind of digressed there, but the point is this song is quite different from the previous two but also similar. It differs in the genre, since MOON is a pop track (as far as I know) while HWAA is moombahton (house music + reggaeton) and HANN (Alone in Winter) is more of a ballad. But it continues the story line of the previous songs.

The message of the song is basically the main character hiding from something, or the main character wants something to be hidden. ‘Do not shine on me, oh moon’, ‘Do not come near me, oh moon’, ‘Turn off the moon light, please don’t let it shine’, they all tell the same message. I think at this point of the story the main character is trying their best not to open up to emotions, after the very devastating break up they just experienced.

I can’t really explain the music properly, but the way this song was composed is just... so good. I love how it sounds, I love the lyrics, I love the voices the (g)irls put on for this track (I can’t pinpoint it exactly but when you’ve been listening to an artist a lot you’d know how different their voices can sound). Soyeon did not participate much in this track, only at the very last seconds, but I think that further reinforces the message that the main character is hiding something, hiding from something, or wants something to be hidden.

This track is the 10/10 of this album. I would recommend this song to anyone anywhere that’s asking for a song recommendation.

#4: Where is love

I think most people would agree when I say that this fourth track is the dance track of this album. ‘Where is love’ is under the retro funk genre, and although that sounds like it doesn’t fit the story line, trust me it does.

The song starts out with a Soyeon verse. The main character seems to be thinking about the ex in the dark night (see? it all takes place at night), but instead of getting hurt by the memories they laugh it off. ‘The crumbled memories slowly become dull, I let go of you and find myself, the lost smiles are filled back again, I forget you and find myself’. This is definitely a road to self-love song, even though the title seem to be saying otherwise. I think the title talks about how a love so strong was able to just disappear without leaving a trace, thus ‘Where is love?’. At this point of the story line I think the main character has moved on enough to be able to look back and not be hurt by the past.

Soyeon’s rap verse on this track is probably one of my favorite Soyeon raps ever (the next track might be a contender). The music is great, and I think if the girls will perform this song on a live stage this would be a carefree-type of song. It has a ‘come on, let’s vibe!’ type of energy.

Overall, I would give this song a 9.3/10.

#5: LOST

This fifth track is written and composed by Yuqi, our best and most hard-working girl. LOST is under the RnB genre. It starts out with Soojin’s beautiful voice, followed by Yuqi’s captivating one.

This song is also very, very beautiful. It talks about having lost somebody dear to you. The first verse was hard to get at first, but after some thinking I think I know what it means. ‘Dazzling sunlight, will it get dark if I cover it with my hand? Will it be forgotten if I cover you in stained memories?’ I think this mostly means that if you pretend something didn’t happen, did it really not happen?

This is somewhat of a u-turn on the story line, because it seemed like the main character was already moving on in ‘Where is love’ but here it seems like they’re remembering the past again. It might just be a final goodbye to this chapter of their life.

Like I said earlier, Soyeon’s rap verse on this track is a contender for my all-time favorite Soyeon rap. The music here is also great, something you can jam to at any time of the day. Catchy, somewhat upbeat, the voices are beautiful as it always is.

I think my favorite part of this song, aside from Soyeon’s rap verse, is Minnie’s last verse. I just love her voice a lot.

Overall, I would give this song a 9.4/10.

#6: DAHLIA

Ah, DAHLIA, everyone’s baby. DAHLIA is another pop track, written and composed by Minnie (again, yes, my bias). This song is another contender for a 10/10 on this album. Almost everyone on my Twitter timeline was obsessed with this song when the audio snippet came out. Not only does it exude major sapphic vibes, it’s also super catchy and just... beautiful.

The song starts with Minnie’s breathy, angelic voice. From the start, by the lyrics alone you’d know this is a love song. ‘So beautiful, just looking at you with my own eyes makes me fall in love’, ‘I’m drunk on a flower called you, no matter what they say, I’ll choose to love you anyway’ Okay, can we talk about the sapphic undertones? Pink and purple dahlias are said to represent feminine beauty, and flowers in general are mostly associated with women and femininity. Add to that ‘No matter what they say, I’ll choose to love you anyway’? Gay. I know it. Gay.

Also, I don’t know why but to me Soyeon’s rap verse here reminds me of their song last year called ‘Oh my god’ (which is also pretty gay, ‘Oh my god, she took me to the sky, Oh my god, she showed me all the stars’?). Maybe it’s the fact that she says ‘I’m in love again’ and then towards the end she calls out to god again ‘I pray to God, I hope this flower will be beautiful forever’, which are two of the major key points of ‘Oh my god’.

Actually now that I remember it, Soyeon did an intro rap for their last ‘Oh my god’ performance last year in December, and if I remember correctly that rap included something like ‘I’m about to sin again, fall in love with her’ (yes, with the female pronouns). I think DAHLIA might be the song that that rap was referring to, if my intuition is correct that DAHLIA is about a woman.

Anyway, aside from the lyrics which I am absolutely obsessed about, the music is also really, really good. Very catchy, beautiful vocals, and that beat drop that I like during ‘My love is dahlia’. It has that same build up as ‘Oh my god’, fast approaching the chorus and then a sudden stop just before chorus, and then a beat drop with the chorus. It is easily addictive (honestly, all six songs are easily addictive).

Overall, I give this song a 9.8/10.

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If you made it this far, thank you for reading my album review that is more like rambling and fangirling than anything. If you still haven’t listened to ‘I Burn’, please give it a listen! It’s beautiful, I swear.

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anhed-nia · 4 years

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BLOGTOBER 10/30-10/31 (IT AIN’T OVER YET!): DISCONNECTED (1984) + PERSONAL SHOPPER

One night on a double date at a local night club, sweet, shy Alicia (Frances Raines) tries to tell the foursome about a strange experience she has had that day: She let an old man into her apartment to use her telephone, but he mysteriously vanished before she could let him back out. Her friends are not interested. Her boyfriend Mark (director Gorman Bechard), a smug radio DJ, dismisses her story as some sort of misunderstanding, and her vivacious twin Barbara Ann (Raines) cuts her off entirely by flirting openly with Mark, insinuating that she was with him that afternoon. This is the last straw in what appears to be an ongoing problem for Alicia. Outside in Mark's car, she refuses to accept his denial of sleeping with Barbara Ann, beginning an agonizing breakup process that drags out for days. Even at her job, Alicia can't seem to establish any personal boundaries; an awkward young stranger called Franklin (Mark Walker) visits during her shift at the video store, and reveals that he doesn't even own a tape player--he just found out who she was and where she worked from other club patrons the previous evening. Alicia rebuffs his unseemly advances at first, but with the insulting drama still festering between Mark and her manipulative sister, loneliness sets in. She could use some company to help insulate her anyway, since their town is plagued by a killer of young women...and stranger still, Alicia's telephone has taken on a mind of its own, broadcasting otherworldly sounds into her apartment, slowly driving her mad. She has a difficult decision to make about who or what she can trust, but it may be that there is no correct choice.

Gorman Bechard's atmospheric 1984 oddity DISCONNECTED follows in the footsteps of CARNIVAL OF LOST SOULS, joining a subset of subdued psychological thrillers about women alone. In Herk Harvey's 1962 classic, Candace Hilligoss plays Mary Henry, a withdrawn young woman who moves far from home after a traumatic accident. Where she hoped to find peace, she is stalked by a spectral male figure, and receives no help from the locals, who are all suspicious or covetous of her. The boundary between the living and the dead begins to dissolve, mirroring her increasingly ambivalent relationships with other human beings. Mary is torn between her longing for solitude and her fear of impending doom, having to choose between an intrusive suitor, and being left alone with her cadaverous stalker. Mary's unforgettable journey through her desolate surroundings, her isolation interrupted only by enemies both open and hidden, describes an experience that many female viewers have found familiar. Social life portends various threats--judgmental elders who pick at your morals and appearance, jealous females, emotionally and physically violent males--while solitude offers obliterating blankness, like a desert whose expansive monotony renders meaningless the defining lines of past, future, and self. In modern times, this distinctly female experience is complicated by the evolution of personal communication media. The telephone in particular--which has been historically and rather demeaningly associated with girls--is both a channel through which to reach out and touch someone, and an opening through which unwanted attention can insinuate itself into our lives. Two years ago, I saw DISCONNECTED--a loopy microbudget slasher movie from Waterbury, Connecticut--and one of my first thoughts was that it was somehow just like PERSONAL SHOPPER, Olivier Assayas' heady cyberpunk-flavored thriller from 2016, in which a servant to the stars receives threatening text messages from someone who may or may not be among the living. I've been trying to put the two together in writing ever since.

In PERSONAL SHOPPER, Kristen Stewart plays introverted American Maureen, the virtual slave of supermodel Kyra (Nora von Waldstatten). Maureen is a stranger in a strange land, travelling relentlessly around Europe to procure garments and jewels for her boss in Paris, and on her personal time, conducting a psychic survey of her late brother Lewis's mansion. Twin mediums Maureen and Lewis promised one another that whoever died first would send the other a sign from across the divide; Maureen has been waiting since his untimely heart attack for him to hold up his end of the bargain. So far she has only witnessed some scattered poltergeitic activity, along with the manifestation of a ferocious, unknown female specter, but the clock is ticking, as the manse is mid-sale to Lewis’ friends. Furthermore, it is her employment with the tyrannical Kyra that allows her to stay in Paris and wait for a sign from Lewis, so Maureen’s freedom also is dependent on the resolution of this situation. When she meets Kyra's arrogant lover Ingo (Lars Eidinger), he inappropriately insists that he can get her a better job elsewhere, but she explains that she can't change her life until she has closure with her brother. Shortly after this unpleasant encounter, Maureen begins to receive intrusive texts from an unknown caller. Due to her unusual relationship to the dead, she can't be sure if her new stalker is a part of her world, or not.

PERSONAL SHOPPER has very much the flavor of William Gibson’s speculative fiction novel Pattern Recognition, in "cool hunter” Cayce Pollard has the extra-sensory ability to detect what new designs will become popular next. Cayce’s special power manifests as a crippling allergy, and so she tries to remain in timeless, fashion-neutral clothes and settings whenever possible. Psychic Maureen feels a similar kind of existential ambivalence toward the super luxe materials she excels at curating for her client.

Maureen spends much of her screen time alone. Most of her personal contacts are with salespeople; she virtually never sees Kyra in person, and her boyfriend Gary (Ty Olwin) lives in Oman, which may as well be another world. Her chief relationship is to her dead brother, who is literally in another world, and who responds with frustrating ambiguity to her pleas for a clear message, even as his mansion rumbles with unexplainable activity. This void of connection seems somehow related to Maureen's tenuous sense of personal identity. With no close connections, she cannot accurately detect her own contours. Maureen is totally sublimated into Kyra's life, simply an extremity that grasps for whatever Kyra needs. At the same time, she is subject to Lewis's will, unable to make any moves--even to protect herself--until her late brother deigns to give her peace. Maureen's identity is entirely determined by other people, including the mystery caller who lures her into a confessional conversation with him. Although this third figure is the most predatory of them all, he is also the one who teases out the threads of Maureen's fraying individuality. When she admits to trying on Kyra's clothing, just because she's not allowed to, he entices her to stay in Kyra's bed while she's away, further feeling out her own limits. This is the only way Maureen can establish a self that is independent of the context of others: by violating the taboos established by those others. The rule-breaking method of finding oneself is an integral part of the human condition, as explained by media theorist Marshall McLuhan in a discussion of the self in the age of social media:

"Yes, all forms of violence are quests for identity. When you live out on the frontier, you have no identity. You are a nobody. Therefore, you get very tough. You have to prove that you are somebody. So you become very violent. Identity is always accompanied by violence. This seems paradoxical to you? Ordinary people find the need for violence as they lose their identities. It is only the threat to people’s identity that makes them violent. Terrorists, hijackers - these are people minus identity. They are determined to make it somehow, to get coverage, to get noticed."

By breaking Kyra's rules just on principle, Maureen moves toward self-actualization. Unfortunately, this comes at a cost, as the mystery caller who encourages this process wants to possess her just as much as Kyra and Lewis already do.

Maureen's phone has become a ouija board-like portal to another plane, through which alien forces can cross over and affect our fate. In DISCONNECTED, Alicia suffers from a similar problem. Alicia's social isolation, and the increasingly meaningless division between life and death for her, is underlined by the fact that she lives on the edge of a cemetery. Her phone is her connection to the world--to the ambiguous Franklin, to her sister who she can neither accept nor reject, to Mark who she can't quite leave behind. She can't get rid of this device, even when it starts to ring almost constantly, with a horrifying, vaguely vocal-sounding barrage of electronic noise on the other end. As in PERSONAL SHOPPER, Alicia is largely seen alone, pacing in her apartment, wandering teary-eyed in the depopulated streets of Waterbury, and eyeing her phone with nervous anticipation. She finds herself living out an appalling version of the classic Twilight Zone episode "Night Call," in which Elva, an old widow longing for her late husband, is harassed by increasingly disturbing phone calls from beyond the grave. Like Elva and Maureen, Alicia also suffers from the conflation of companionship and otherworldly threat: Just as she doesn't understand the source of the distorted calls, she also doesn't know that Franklin--her potential savior from this dark chapter of her life--is a serial murderer, planning to have her for his next victim. When Barbara Ann makes a move on him, perpetuating the cycle of sororal abuse that started with Mark, Franklin kills her instead, removing one of Alicia’s few contacts with the rest of humanity.

BTW, even though Alicia eventually takes a liking to Franklin (center), her experience at the video store--here, trapped between an aggressive suitor and a similarly aggressive porn consumer--forms the most realistic portrait of retail hell for girls that I have ever seen in my life. When Franklin first arrives, announcing that a) the movies there aren’t good enough for his refined tastes, b) he doesn’t even own a video player, and c) he’s only there because he’s stalked Alicia from her local watering hole, his intensely condescending attitude and presupposing come-ons gave me a hardcore PTSD reaction from the many years I spent behind the counter of a comic book store. Yuck.

While Alicia doesn't understand what is happening until it's almost too late, Maureen's situation escalates horrifically when her latest jewelry delivery brings her face to face with Kyra's mutilated corpse. As she reels from this gruesome sight, she also detects a malevolent presence vibrating deeper in the apartment that sends her fleeing in terror. When she goes to the police, her mystery caller suddenly becomes more sinister, demanding to know whether she has told the cops about him. In short order, the caller tries to blackmail her into meeting him in a hotel room, but this climactic union is circumvented by the police: It was Ingo guiding Maureen's journey of self-discovery, and Ingo who killed Kyra. The revelation is enormously painful, not because Ingo is so important, but because he managed to victimize Maureen using her most uniquely personal characteristic: her relationship to the supernatural. She believed that something personally significant was happening to her, according to her special understanding of the world, but she was merely being preyed upon by a violent narcissist. Her profound belief in her own paranormal sensitivity--the one thing she is sure of, that distinguishes her from others--is what made her vulnerable to the insistent texts begin with: She wondered if it was Lewis texting her. Ingo exploits Maureen's convictions about herself to perpetrate a deadly fraud, leaving her violated and humiliated. Even though we witness the presence of an unseen entity (Lewis? Kyra?) moving through the hotel, perhaps influencing Ingo's capture, Maureen is left to suffer for being gullible and vulnerable, to mourn her own privacy.

Of course, Maureen's journey is not over yet, and Alicia receives a similar shock with a full half an hour to go in DISCONNECTED. She is rescued by her own screams on her last date with Franklin, as the sounds of their skirmish draw the police to his apartment where they summarily execute Alicia's would-be killer. Now she is left with almost no worldly connections at all--save for the malign presence that keeps calling her phone, blasting her with waves of mind-melting noise. To make matters worse, there seems to be a new victim in the rash of murders previously tied to the late Franklin. Alicia plunges into a spiral of nihilistic despair, in which her closest relationship is with her conniving ex--mediated by the phone, and by his radio show where he dedicates songs to her--second only to the mystery caller who dials her number several times an hour. Craving a human connection, Alicia eventually relents and lets Mark take her out again, and things seem to be on the upswing...until Alicia returns home to find that something worse than electronic fuzz has entered her home, to put an end to her misery. We don't share her final vision, but we do see the mysterious old man (William Roberts) from the beginning of the movie, the fellow she let in to use her telephone, strolling into the cemetery--presumably, from whence he came.

Like Alicia in the aftermath of Franklin’s death, Maureen also has to find a new way to survive after an episode of shocking violence. For Maureen, the only way through is out. As she prepares to leave Lewis' mansion, she encounters his widow's new beau, Erwin (Anders Danielsen Lie). This encounter crystalizes the movie's themes regarding time. Early in PERSONAL SHOPPER, Maureen is turned on to the visionary paintings of Hilma af Klint, a 19th century painter who claimed that she made her art at the behest of ghosts. She mandated that her work only be revealed to the public after her death, creating a communication channel between the deep past and the distant future. Maureen argues with her doctor about the future; he insists that her brother's heart attack was purely anomalous, but Maureen sees no reason why the same thing couldn't happen to her. She sees no future for herself, and is chained to the past by the ghost of her brother, who withholds the spiritual message that would allow her to move on. Lewis thought a lot about the future, Maureen remarks cynically to her doctor, despite the fact that he was ultimately deprived of one. Later, Lewis' widow Lara (Sigrid Bouaziz) explains that she feels the future is in flux and unknowable--a desirable quality, in her book--and so she is moving on to be with Erwin. So, when Maureen encounters Erwin on her final night in Paris, they have a pointed conversation about the shackles of the past and the fossilizing force of guilt on one's life. Lewis's ghost cruelly teases Maureen at the end of the scene, demanding attention but refusing to reveal himself. With nothing to show for her devotion to her brother, she flees Europe.

In both DISCONNECTED and PERSONAL SHOPPER, the archetype of the twins is used to describe opposing states of being, and the threat of having one’s life usurped by another version of oneself. Alicia's sister Barbara Ann is lively, sensuous, and self-serving: everything that Alicia is unable to be, and the consumer of everything Alicia wants for herself. With her unrealistic desires for honesty and compassion, Alicia is the more death-oriented twin: cut off from social life, deprived of pleasure by more ambitious people, and vulnerable to parasitic attacks from both sides of the mortal veil. Alicia even dreams of Barbara Ann murdering her, and literally taking her place in bed with Mark. Maureen's twin Lewis is described by his survivors as passionate and living on the strength of his own convictions; Although Maureen still lives, she is inert, somehow chained to him, slavishly waiting for him to grant her release, though he is content to torment and manipulate her. The protagonists of both films are subjugated to these duplicates who refuse to stay on their side.

Maureen flees to Oman to reunite with her boyfriend Gary--heretofore only a pixelated image in a video chat who begs her to give up her commitment to the kingdom of death, insisting that only the material world exists and is waiting to embrace her. Of course, when Maureen arrives in Gary's placid and spartan world at what may as well be the end of the universe, her problems have followed her. We will never see Gary in the flesh; he has left a written note of welcome for Maureen, which she reads just as she detects a supernatural presence in his dwelling. Hoping against hope that Lewis is finally reaching out to her, she asks out loud: “Is it you? Are you at peace? Are you not at peace? ...Or is it just me?” And, hauntingly, she hears a ghostly knock in the affirmative for every question.

The ambiguity of this ending has troubled some viewers, although multiple interpretations present themselves which are not mutually exclusive. In the most literal sense, Maureen can be seen as a terminally frustrated Carrie White-like figure who causes material disturbances with the power of her own inner turmoil. The paranormal phenomena she perceives are, indeed, “just her”. On a more metaphorical level, we can see that Maureen is haunted by her own grief, over her brother, and also over her failure to forge a life of her own. In her mind, her brother was a superior life force to which she remains subservient; she identified herself entirely as a receiver for his message, and without his active participation in her life, she loses all sense of purpose. She scrutinizes ghostly disturbances and the spiritual conduit of the telephone to inform her place in the world. Without an internal, independent reason for being, people like herself, and like Alicia, are forever haunted.

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stupidsexyfandom · 4 years

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Armistice

@helsa-summer-event

Rated T // Drama, Modern AU

The gang engage in a classic beat-the-heat activity for people who don’t have central air: going to the movies.

Written for Prompt #5 of Helsa Summer: We’re cool in the summer.

“Come to the movies with me and Kristoff.”

“I thought you said it was too hot to do anything?” Hans smiled against the phone. He had long ceased to be surprised by Anna calling him up out of the blue to hang out, despite their messy breakup a year before. What he was not expecting was to be invited on a movie date with her new boyfriend. Something else had to be going on.

“I meant that it was too hot to do anything else. The theaters are air-conditioned, and the matinee tickets are cheap. Plus, I hear they have those deluxe reclining seats.” Anna acted oblivious to his probing. It was more likely that she was deliberately avoiding his unasked question.

“Don’t you have any other friends?” He kept his tone light and teasing.

“Well, yeah, but they’re all couples, and I don’t want Elsa to be uncomfortable. I don’t want her thinking this is a date thing.” Ah, there it was. Translation: Kristoff and I want to participate in the storied summer tradition of making out like teenagers in the dark, and I don’t want Elsa to see. Other couples would surely tip her off.

Hans sighed overdramatically and said, with faux grandiosity, “Fine. I will chaperone the chaperone while you and Kristoff get up to whatever it is you kids get up to these days. All I ask in return is a simple cone of Carvel ice cream, given to me at a prearranged time after the showing.”

“Thanks, gramps. You know, it’s a real wonder that you’re my only single friend.” He could hear Anna giggling through her sarcasm.

“Wonder no longer, for the truth is that I am simply too cool for all of you.”

“Sure, whatever you have to tell yourself. We’re seeing the latest Star Wars. Meet us in the parking lot at 4.”

It really is too hot to do anything else, thought Hans as he walked across the parking lot. Heat radiated up from the asphalt, the air shimmering with humidity. He saw the others standing by Kristoff’s truck, looking ready to wilt. Anna and Kristoff were dressed casually, seemingly taking their not-a-date act seriously. Elsa looked overdressed in comparison, out of place in her sleeveless button-up.

“Hey, Hans,” Anna called to him. He raised a hand in greeting. Kristoff gave him a friendly nod, while Elsa made no acknowledgement that she had even seen him.

“Hey, guys. I hope I haven’t kept you waiting?”

“No, we just got here,” said Anna, “Let’s go inside, I can’t stand to be out here any longer.”

They purchased their tickets and made their way to the appointed theater. Kristoff filed into their row first, then Anna, then Hans. Elsa sat next to him at the end of the row. Almost as soon as they had sat down, the lights dimmed.

As the trailers played, Hans was keenly aware of Elsa next to him. She perched on the edge of her seat, ignoring the reclining function. Hans figured he had better do the same so she could not look past him to the end of the row. She seemed ill at ease. Even in the darkness, he could see her white hands fidgeting out of the corner of his eye. He wondered if she was ever able to relax. Beside him, Kristoff had already pulled Anna into his lap. Their attention was clearly not on the screen. It seemed to Hans this rather defeated the purpose of coming to the movie theater to cool down, but what did he know?

Just after the opening crawl, he heard Elsa hiss, “I’m getting popcorn.” She stood up abruptly. Hans did the same, attempting to shield Kristoff and Anna from view. The sudden movement filled his vision with white. Let it never be said that he did not take his role of chaperone seriously. He followed her out of the theater.

When they reached the lobby, Elsa did not join the concessions line. Instead she kept walking out onto the sidewalk. The sun beat down on them, and Hans was instantly too hot. She whirled to face him, looking irritated.

“Look, I don’t need a babysitter!”

“A babysitter?” Hans feigned innocence.

“I know Anna wasn’t expecting me to say yes when she asked me to come. She thinks that just because I’ve never has a boyfriend, I don’t know what she and Kristoff are up to. I know, and I don’t care. But I do care that you keep hanging around my sister. How dare you, after what you did to her?”

Ah, he should have figured. Anna had never been one to hold a grudge. She may have given him a whopper of a black eye, but they had managed to awkwardly patch up their differences. It might even be said that they were now friends. Elsa was a different story. She had always come off as restrained, but Hans had suspected that a quiet intensity lay beneath the surface. The thrill of being proven right paled in comparison to the discomfort of being the recipient of her ire.

“Anna invited me here. We’ve worked things out.”

“Unfortunately for both of us, Westergaard, Anna is a far better person than I will ever be. That’s why you need to stay away from her!” A few wisps of hair had escaped from Elsa’s updo. They glowed golden in the light of the late afternoon sun. It struck him that she was very beautiful when she was angry, but he pushed the thought away. For one thing, Elsa was always beautiful. For another, that information was really, really not helpful or relevant right then.

“I’m sorry about what I did to her— to both of you. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. But all I can do is try to be better and to leave the past in the past. I hope you can give me that chance.”

“This isn’t about me. I can leave behind your petty games. I can leave behind the way you tried to snipe that internship out from under me. I can even forget how you spread rumors that I was having a nervous breakdown and should be ejected from the program.” Hans wanted to retort that the rumors had mostly been spread by Duke Weselton, and anyway, wasn’t the nervous breakdown thing true? But the past year had taught him that sometimes the snappiest response was not the best one. Half the battle of becoming a nicer person was just keeping his mouth shut.

Instead he said, “But you did get that internship. All I got was academic probation, which I’ve only now been removed from. I’m sorry that I hurt you, but I don’t know what else I can do.”

“I told you, I’m over it. But I can’t leave behind the way you used my sister because you thought our name would further your career. I can’t forget how cruel you were when you dumped her. And I’ll never forget how you left her at that party afterwards, drunk and alone. She could have died! Thank God Kristoff was there. He had to take her to the ER!” Elsa’s voice had risen, the tension between them as palpable as the humid air. Hans felt his own temper coming to a boil. His flaw in arguments had always been escalating to match the other person.

“I didn’t realize it was her first college party, and I certainly didn’t realize she had drunk so much! Yes, I shouldn’t have said those things to her. But it’s not like I was her only reason to get wasted. You never did her any good. She was so lonely because you were never around! She was always telling me how you never answered her calls. She invited you that night, and for once she thought you were really going to come. But you weren’t there!” Hans regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth. If half of not being a jerk was shutting up, the other half was taking responsibility for his own actions, and he had just blown both in one shot. Elsa stared up at him with such anguish in her eyes that it almost hurt to look at her. She reacted like an injured wildcat.

“You say that like it makes you any better! Yeah, I may be barely holding it together, and I may be failing Anna in every way that matters! But at least I’m not an asshole like you!” She looked close to the breaking point both physically and emotionally, as if she might collapse at any moment. Hans fought the sudden urge to reach out and comfort her. She might seem helpless in the moment, but he knew she would sooner bite off his head than cry on his shoulder.

“Elsa, I didn’t mean—” But her pain had been replaced by cold fury.

“Save it, Westergaard. I need to cool down. Here’s what’s going to happen. I will leave Anna and Kristoff to their covert activities, and I suggest you do the same. But first, I’m going inside for fifteen seconds to splash some water on my face. When I come back out, you had better not be here.” Elsa’s voice was cool and sharp as ice.

“Don’t you at least want to see the rest of the movie?” said Hans, although he was certain this situation was beyond saving. Elsa gave a harsh laugh.

“Hardly. I read the spoilers online, and I have no desire to watch Kylo Ren get redeemed on the big screen.”

“So you don’t believe in redemption? Not even for love?”

“People don’t change, Westergaard. Not through love, and not through death. Some things can never be forgiven.” And then she was gone, the theater door slammed shut in his face.

Hans did not want to see what would happen if he ignored her directive, so he walked to the grocery store next door. Through the front window, he watched Elsa emerge from the theater and storm into the Carvel across the parking lot. She sat at the counter with only a water, her head in her hands. After watching her for a few minutes, he decided to kill time until the movie ended. He walked up and down every aisle, fantasizing about climbing into a freezer case. The air conditioning and the familiar surroundings eventually calmed him down.

When he felt enough time had passed, he made his way back to the cinema. He slipped into the back row of the theater to catch the tail end of the movie. As the credits rolled, he met up with Anna and Kristoff outside the door to the lobby.

“Did you guys like the movie?” he asked, “What did you think of the part where they revealed Palpatine was merely a puppet controlled by Obi-wan Kenobi?”

“It was great,” said Kristoff at the same time as Anna said, “Palpatine was in this movie?” They stared at him blankly until he started laughing.

“Oh, the looks on your faces! Speaking of which, Kristoff, you’ve got a little something…” He gestured vaguely at his face. Kristoff wiped away a smear of lip gloss as Anna giggled.

“Where’s Elsa?” she asked, “I thought you were together?”

“She’s at Carvel. I’m afraid we had a bit of a blowout. I’m not exactly her favorite person. I’d better take a raincheck on that ice cream; I don’t think she wants to see me right now.”

“Oh no! I’d better go make sure she’s all right. I’m sorry about the ice cream, Hans. Next time!” She raced out of the theater, Kristoff trailing behind her. Hans watched through the window as they comforted Elsa. Although he remained in the cinema, his mind drifted back to the earlier argument. Christ, he really had behaved like an ass. By the time the trio had finished their ice cream, he realized he had been standing there too long. He made his way towards the door.

“Excuse me, sir!” He turned. One of the cinema employees was approaching him, waving something in her hand.

“Your girlfriend left these in the rest room.”

“She’s not my…” But Hans shut his mouth when he saw the medicine bottle he had been handed. As he read the name of the drug, several things dropped into place. He thought he understood now why she seemed so anxious all the time, why she rarely went out, why she didn’t answer her sister’s calls.

They met the next day on neutral ground, in the movie theater parking lot. The weather was cool and gray after the rain the night before. Elsa was already there when Hans pulled in, standing next to her car. There was still something stiff and formal about her appearance, but today it was softened by the voluminous braid over her shoulder. She looked as if she hadn’t slept.

“Give it to me,” she said as soon as he stepped out of the car. He produced the bottle from his pocket and handed it over. She snatched it from his grasp as if she were afraid he was going to pull it away at any moment.

“What do you want? Money? I can’t give you much, Anna will be suspicious if I withdraw from our trust account. Academic help? I can’t write your papers; they’ll know my writing style. But I can proofread and do your literature review. Or is it pull you want? I can speak to the dean, get the probation taken off your transcript. I’ll say I made it all up. Or I can talk to the board of my father’s company, I’m sure they’ll have a job offer for you. I’ll do anything you want, so long as you don’t tell anybody. Well, almost anything.” She wrapped her arms around her chest, protecting herself from some imagined fate. Hans was baffled.

“What? I don’t want any of that.”

“So you’re just going to tell everybody? My boss, the dean, my advisor? You won’t even give me a chance to buy your silence?”

“No, I’m not going to tell anybody,” he insisted. Did she seriously think he was about to blackmail her?

“Right, because I’m willing to cooperate. But you have to tell me what it is you want.” Her eyes were pleading, and she fidgeted anxiously with her hands.

“Elsa, I promise I’m not trying to blackmail you.”

“You’re not?” Her fidgeting stopped abruptly.

“No! God, no. What made you think that?”

“Your text. It was a bit cryptic.” She seemed more relaxed now, almost bordering on exhausted.

“I wasn’t sure if Anna knew, so I didn’t want to be specific.” In all the times they had discussed her sister, Anna had never mentioned Elsa’s illness. Considering how much she talked about her, Hans found it unlikely that it just never came up.

“I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions. I know it sounds paranoid, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about the rumors last time. I couldn’t go through that again. And I was so certain that you hated me enough, especially after yesterday.”

“I don’t hate you. I never hated you” Hans leaned against his car, waiting for her answer. After a few moments, she leaned next to him.

“You were right yesterday,” she said, “I’ve never done Anna any good. I couldn’t even protect her from you. You know, when you started dating, I saw the red flags. I thought, ‘What’s this grad student doing with a freshman?’ But I ignored it. I thought that you might be a more stable presence in her life. I thought that even if there was something up with you, it couldn’t be worse than me.”

“Look how that turned out,” said Hans wryly. They stood silently for what could have been a split second or an eternity.

“Anna doesn’t know,” said Elsa suddenly.

“Hm?”

“You said you weren’t sure if she knew. She doesn’t.”

“Don’t you think you should tell her?”

“I don’t know how. That night in the ER, I was so scared. I thought I was going to lose her. And I realized something had to change. If something happened, I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I had spent my whole life pushing her away. She’s all I have, and I love her dearly. It’s been hard this past year. I’ve been trying to let her in, but I don’t know how to do it without hurting her. And I don’t know if she can ever forgive me for what’s already happened. I wasn’t there when she needed me most.”

“I think we can agree,” said Hans, “that I have turned out to cause Anna far more harm than you have. But you’ve seen how readily she has forgiven me. If she can do that, I’m sure you won’t have any trouble. After all, she loves you.”

“I hope you’re right.” Hans reached out tentatively and patted her shoulder. She stiffened momentarily, but then she relaxed into the touch.

“Anyway,” he said, “you are not an asshole like me.” Elsa seemed surprised to find herself laughing, and Hans found himself joining in.

When she had pulled away from the car, Elsa said, “You know this doesn’t make us friends.”

“I would never dare to suggest such a thing. All I ask is this: truce?”

“Truce,” she replied decisively.

“Well,” he said, straightening up, “in honor of our newly-signed armistice agreement, I propose we go see a movie.”

“All right,” she agreed, “but only if we get ice cream afterwards.”

“Well, Elsa, what did you think? Did it make a case for the redemptive power of love?”

“I will concede that love is powerful enough to motivate change for the better. But change isn’t instantaneous. Redemption is a long process. You have to work for it, and it has to be earned time and time again. Death is just a lazy shorthand, and it’s bad writing.”

“You want to talk bad writing, what about my man General Hux? The guy just switched sides in the third act with no warning. The foreshadowing was nonexistent because they were too intent on fooling the audience. It was just a plot twist for the sake of a plot twist, more for shock value than because it added anything to the story. That’s bad writing.”

“I don’t know, I kind of liked him.”

“Either you’re saying that to be contrary or you just have a thing for redheads.”

“I am not being contrary!”

“So you like redheads, then?”

“I don’t!”

“You answered too quickly.”

“I didn’t!”

“Yes, you did.”

“Look, are we getting ice cream or not?”

***

Author’s Note: Modern AU is something I thought I would never write. But I did say I was apologizing today. Unfortunately, this did not turn out as light and fluffy as I had hoped. Some apology, huh? At least you got some Star Wars references out of it. Thank you all so much for reading! <3

#helsa #helsasummerevent #helsasummerevent2020 #frozen #hans #elsa #mentions of hanna #mentions of kristanna #star wars references #modern au #fanfic

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caconymhypocrisy · 3 years

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Jan. 1, 2021 - Journal Entry

I masturbated a lot today. I don’t think it’s really a healthy thing anymore. I don’t know. I liked it. But it was for like, hours. And hours. I should probably start totaling the number soon – like start time and end time. It was great, and I want to do it again.

But earlier today I was so sad. I wept at the show “Euphoria”. It pulled all these crazy emotions out of me, and afterwards… I don’t know. I just felt so fucking sad.

I remembered the nights before tonight… the nights since the breakup.

I did a pretty similar thing.

I would jerk off for hours. Like 6 hours of just clicking through videos with one hand and edging myself with the other. It sounds pretty despicable to write it out like this. And if anyone is reading this, just know that I’m going through a hard time.

Although it seems to be getting less hard all the time now. Not my emotions. I mean my dick. After doing it for so long, I think I might start to be wearing it down.

It could be that, or the alcohol, or the coke, or the emotions. But it seems more difficult now than it used to be to keep “it” up for a long time. Yet I still try. I scan the videos, I use my plugs and oils, some stupid ring, all because I want to feel that feeling, that “oh, fuck. Yeah, that’s hot” feeling.

That feeling when you get right to the edge. Right up to the line. And it feels so good and you’re about to nut… but you don’t want to nut. Because when you do, it’s over.

Then you have to go back and face reality.

Then you have to remember why you started watching porn in the first place. Why you tried so tirelessly to get yourself hard again. Why you were looking for some form of temporary happiness that would take you away from this unstable emotional turmoil that you created for yourself. From the loneliness that you so desired and now find that it’s nothing but a pile of bricks that suffocates you. This fucking hell that finds you no matter what you do.

That was a dark line of thought. We all are a product of our actions. And I want to make more actions that improve my life.

I don’t know how to do that now, though. Drinking feels good. Masturbating feels good. Porn is really, really nice to watch (there is so much of it. It’s hard to stop). But all these things fade.

But I suppose, too, life fades. We all will die. And at least I’m enjoying some things, right?

I mean, it is fleeting. The drugs, the alcohol, the few moments of ecstasy before coming. But so is life. So why am I fighting it?

People with these issues, these “addictions”, want to improve their lives. Improve. What does that mean? Stop doing your drugs and obsessions, and start being a better person.

I don’t know. For what? What’s the point of doing all that? Jesus, I sound so entitled. People are starving in the world and I… fuck. What’s the point?

Do something that makes you better. Or help someone else be better. But these words to me now seem so arbitrary. What is better? What is progress? It might be a good thing to have a healthy diet, but why? So you can live longer? Support your kids and your family?

I don’t have those. I don’t want those. I just broke up with my girlfriend. And now I feel so alone. And getting a job, going back to school, or finding someone else to love… it all just seems so… exhausting.

I’m tired.

Fuck the world. Fuck this pandemic. I feel like there aren’t even friends I can talk to. Not really. I mean, I have friends. But they don’t really listen. Not really. Not when emotions are involved. And I broke up with my girlfriend, the one who is supposed to be the person to talk to about these things.

I just feel so alone.

And I believe in my mantra: no one will ever really understand you.

So, progress. I don’t know what the fuck it is. I don’t know why I’m writing all this down. But I can say that I’m enjoying the process of typing.

In self-help books they tell you to set goals, to become the person you want to be, and imagine the memory you want to leave behind.

Honestly, I don’t give a fuck what I leave behind. I’ll be dead. And the person I want to be? Well, I guess healthy enough to jack off another night. It might be nice to have someone to sleep with. Not like “sleep” with like sex, but just to cuddle. But I’ve also enjoyed these nights sleeping by myself. But what if I don’t want that anymore? What if I want some of both? Is there someone out there who can do both? What if I get bored of my next partner? What then? I have to go through this whole entire painful process again?

I got off topic. Setting goals. OK, let me think.

I should exercise more. That’s for sure. I went on a short run today and two days ago with Bosko. I didn’t run far, just a few blocks, and I was embarrassed with how that turned out.

Whatever. I should probably stop vaping soon too because I coughed a lot afterwards. Maybe I should start swimming again.

I want to.

Ugh. I used to be so active. I used to swim at least a few times a week. Depression (I think I’m depressed; why else would I be typing this much at 5:41 in the morning) just makes you feel so heavy. So worthless. Like… what’s the fucking point of doing anything?

My bike is still at her house. And the skates that she bought me… they’re in her car. God, I want those skates. I thought about using them. Then I think about her. Then I think about if I made a mistake leaving her. But then again, no, maybe I just want the skates.

I don’t fucking know.

OK, one more time: setting goals.

Exercise more. That’s something.

Drink less. That one is going to take some time. I think I’m developing an addiction.

Ok – moving out… this one… fuck.

I should move out. I need to. I can’t stay here. Fuck my brothers. And fuck I can’t start talking about my mom. I love her, and she supports me, but my god she really wants me to go through with this PT shit.

And I guess I’m for that. I don’t know. I’m not passionate about it. I don’t crave learning how to be a PT. Helping people is cool, I guess.

God, I feel like such a bitch complaining about all this shit. COUNT YOUR FUCKING BLESSINGS, DICKNUTS. I’m in a good home. And yeah, I’m going through some emotions and that. That’s normal. That’s being a human. Get over it.

You don’t want to work? No one does. Get fucking over it you dumb piece of shit.

OK stop that. You should be nice to yourself. Now I’m sounding like I’m talking to myself, not just writing to a page.

Whatever, everyone has to work. That’s life. Man up. (That’s a stupid phrase, I know. Patriarchy and all)

I am enjoying typing all of this.

It would be more interesting to write about stuff. Maybe I could make a novel or a short story. But what would I write about? My emotions don’t generate creativity. I don’t have any crazy life experience, some traumatizing backstory that can lay down the foundation of some revolutionary work of art. I’m just a boring kid from the suburbs.

Yet, I like writing. Maybe I’m not passionate about it, but I like it. But also… I think I suck at it. Always in the writer’s groups they say “oh yeah, that’s cool. I like this part. Good job” whatever. But those are all my friends; of course, they aren’t going to say what they honestly think. Emotions and egos are at stake.

Maybe I should just share a post like this anonymously on some blog. I don’t know, is Tumblr (or whatever) still a thing? At least strangers would/should be honest.

You dumb shit. Stop asking yourself questions you don’t know the answers to. This is your fucking journal you’re writing in. There’s no one here to answer.

Except me.

Ok so goals. Maybe go back to school. Got to do something. I’ll keep writing thoughts. Fuck the dentist. Exercise. What’s the fucking point. God damn it. What a waste of life.

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aliiii-glasgow · 4 years

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The Devil

Have you ever looked into the eyes of The Devil? I would imagine you would instantly say a simple “no”. I challenge you to think again, because he is not who you are thinking of. I, personally, have gazed into his eyes, time and time again. I know him all too well, and have been under his spell for 7 years, now. You see, The Devil is a simple man. He’s tall, has long hair, and tells you the sweetest of lies. He has the most beautiful green eyes you have ever seen; sometimes they appear more gray or blue. My friend, The Devil, has many tattoos that lay upon his skin so perfectly. Some of them are quite beautiful, and some of them are not, but each one possess a story from his past. Although he may seem like your average human being, he is far more powerful than that. You can feel his pain when he walks into the room, it opens up an endless pit inside of you. You can feel his insecurities, for they shine bright despite his efforts to conceal them. The Devil will show you pure bliss, just to replace it with true hell. I can only warn you about him, but your fate lies in your own hands.

It was a warm day in June of 2014, when I first met The Devil. He was a real “cool guy”. I didn’t pay him much mind, considering that he was just the current boyfriend of my best friend, and those relationships never lasted long anyway. I brushed him off, figuring this would be the first, and last time I ever saw him. Unfortunately, I would see him again, and again. Shortly after the breakup, I received a message from him. Of course I didn’t think anything of it, for I was the most innocent of all my friends. Little did I know, that The Devil was seeking me out, like prey. He could feel my weakness from the moment he met me, and he knew that he could fool me. He knew that I would give in to him, and I did exactly that. You see, I was innocent, and he admired that, but The Devil fell from Heaven for a reason , right? I reminded him of what once was, pure and untouched. He couldn’t help himself, he had to destroy me. He couldn’t wait to get his devilish hands on my pure body. Unfortunately for me, he accidentally touched my soul in the process.

I was young, and looking for love. I did end up finding it, in an empty and heartless man. I knew he was broken from the second I spoke to him, but it was okay, for I was too. I always had a love for damaged goods. Now, I didn’t think I could fix him, nor was that my intention, but we understood each others pain. I thought at the very least, we could console each other. We both came from broken homes, so it was a bonding topic. We spent so many nights criticizing the way we were raised, and all that we had to go through during our upbringings. I wish I knew he was just buttering me up, so he could use me just like he did everyone else. I have a soft spot for things that are broken, for I always say “you can find beauty in everything”. I found The Devil so unbelievably beautiful, despite his tragedies. I was warned, many of times.;by friends, family, and not so friendly strangers. It was too late though, The Devil already had me in his clutches. I was right where he dreamed he would get me, and I didn’t care about the dangers ahead.

The Devil has a way with words; smooth, nonchalant, short. He doesn’t have to say much , for you to know what he means. He really knows how to be tempting, it’s his specialty. He tempted me countless times, and soon after, tainted me. One summer night he decided to take his moms car, even though he had no license, and come pick me up around 1 am. He really never was a fan of playing by the rules. On that night, I left the safety and comfort of my childhood home, just to end up walking the streets to get back home after doing things that no 14 year old should do. See, The Devil isn’t the brightest of the bunch, so he left the keys in the ignition while we were in the backseat. From early on, I started to notice his streak of “bad luck”. You might ask, “What are you getting out of this?”. To that I would say “Truthfully, I don’t know, I just feel a connection.”. I should have known then.

Without much time passing, The Devil, and I, decided it was time to lose what was left of my purity. He was beyond ready to get to defile my untouched body. I didn’t know better, and the only guidance he gave me was based on his benefit. I trusted him, so I agreed. After about 3 whole minutes, it was done. It wasn’t quite like what I had expected. It wasn’t a “magical experience where your souls connect”. It was simply painful, and unfulfilling. I didn’t feel any different afterwards, just like he said. How could I blame myself? He was confident, and charming, and I am a sucker for sweet nothings, and he’s right, “it doesn’t matter anyways.” He put on a big show, and made it seem like he knew everything about the female body, and I was highly disappointed. I always thought that sex was for both parties to enjoy. Trust me though, it gets worse from here.

After a few months go by, I was in so much pain that I was vomiting uncontrollably, and crying into the toilet. I had no idea what was wrong with me, I had never felt a pain like this in my life. Are menstrual cramps always this bad? My mother had to leave work to take me to urgent care. They were unable to find the cause of my pain, and sent me to the ER. Now, imagine how scared I was, having no clue what’s wrong with me. It was at the ER where they asked “Are you sexually active?” In front of my poor mother. It was in that moment that she found out that I was. After being probed by the doctors, they sent me home. A week or two later I got the news that The Devil had given me an STD. Fortunately for me, it was curable, but unfortunately for me, my love for the Devil has no cure. The Devil lied to me. Apparently he never had it, even though both of his ex girlfriends did.

So, after finding out this devastating news, I had to contact The Devil once more. I had thought that we were over, considering that he moved on so quickly after our short lived relationship. The Devil was not pleased to hear from me under these circumstances. Somehow, everything suddenly became my fault. Apparently, I, the virgin, gave him the STD. Now, trust me, I am just as confused as you are. I sat, racking my brain trying to think just how this was possible. After realizing that there was no way on this Earth that this could be true, a flood of emotions went through my brain. Not only did he lie to me, he blamed me. His anger towards me was nearly unbearable. How could The Devil be so inconsiderate? This is when I really should’ve known.

After doing my research, I realized exactly what had happened. He can’t take responsibility for a single one of his actions. His goal is to make you seem as crazy as possible so that he might not have to take a look at himself. It is truly amazing how long one can keep up this act for. In fact, to this day, he keeps it up. So, after him accusing me in every way he could manage, I decided that I was done with The Devil, I would no longer speak to him. Shortly after, the friendships I had lost due to this catastrophic relationship were healed. I gained the trust of my friends back, and life was good, without the influence of The Devil. Although, this would all not be true, and they would all be disappointed once more.

After a few months, The Devil crept his way back into my life. We decided that the past was silly, but he still didn’t admit to anything. I accepted passed time as responsibility, as well as an apology. I decided to blindly overlook this glaring red flag. I decided that everyone deserves a second chance, even The Devil, who will so gladly take what he can get. Now, he currently is in another relationship while reinstating ours. I didn’t think much of it, other than being proud that he chose me over her. I gave him plenty of time to break up with her, because being the other woman wasn’t as bad as I had thought. He had me right where he wanted me, once again. How did I not see it?

Now it is time to tell the part that really ties us together; trauma bonding. The Devil told me about this “super cool” drug, called LSD. He absolutely adored this drug. I would go as far as to say that this reality altering substance may have been his first true love. Well, I loved him, and he loved LSD, so why not do it together? Right, there’s about a million reasons why we shouldn’t, but that wouldn’t stop us. This is when it gets dark. This “super cool” drug was by far the worst experience of my entire life, up to this point. In this moment, I saw The Devil for who he really was. He was bright red, and screaming in my face. I knew I was in love with Lucifer himself. Well, what is there left to do now?

I knew exactly what I should do. I should cut all ties with The Devil, and run as far away as possible. Well, how could I do that? He was there with me through the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced. Wait, he was the most terrifying part of that event. Oh, Im silly, it was just the drugs, right? Theres no way I’m actually in a relationship with “Lucifer himself”. He may have done some awful things in his past, but that’s definitely behind him now, right? Wrong. The Devil was just waiting to break me down even further. That is exactly what I would let him do.

He then decided that cheating on me was the right thing to do. After all we’ve been through together, I didn’t foresee this. Now, I should’ve expected this, but I truly didn’t see it coming. Apparently, we were in an open relationship that I wasn’t aware of. This was surprising news to me. The Devil denied ever having said anything of the sort. Not to mention he denied that he cheated on me. It was at this point that I started to recognize his pattern, and lifestyle, but it was too late. He was in love with a fast life. The Devil himself had become my drug of choice; my addiction.

I forgave the poor Devil, yet again. How could I not? He is my favorite drug, and things would be different this time. He pleaded with me, “please don’t ever leave me!” whilst crying into my arms. Of course I said I wouldn’t leave, but in the depths of my mind, I knew I couldn’t stay. Was he putting on an act? Or was he finally breaking down? It was neither. He was just as addicted to me as I was to him. Now we had a real problem. We were just constantly using each other to get our fix. This was a dangerous addiction. How could we go on like this? Is there a way out?

The way out was away from each other. Little did we know that this was merely just another break in our 7 year relationship. My dog, “our son”, needed a new home. So I reached out to my friend, Lucifer. He was thrilled to take him in, and to see me after a year. I, also, was ecstatic to see him. This was our perfect opportunity to reconnect, and try again. We had such a long tolerance break, so things would be different this time. Or, so, I thought. Things started out perfectly with co-parenting, but it was all just smoke and mirrors. This was merely another excuse to keep us coming back to see each other. To no surprise, Lucifer couldn’t handle being a parent, and neither could I. Everything fell apart once again, and we parted ways on good terms.

So, now that we’re both addicted, the story becomes predictable. Of course we reconnect, and things are different this time. We have both grown, and are living on our own, seeing each other as successful. This time it is meant to be, and we won’t be playing anymore childish games. My best friend is dating his best friend, and everything is falling into place perfectly. This was proven to be true for all of one whole month. Everything was better than ever in the past. We were like our own little clique. It was the four of us against the world, and we were unstoppable. That was until The Devil does what he knows how to do best. Not only did he leave with no explanation, he completely disappeared. No last words, no reasons why, no goodbye, this time. All that I got from him was heart breaking silence. The crash of this extravagant high of being with him was enough to stop the world from turning. This had to be the last time. How many sleepless nights would it take to end this pain? How many bottles of liquor would it take to forget him?

It was at this point that I traded the addiction to the Devil for another. I began drinking excessively to numb the pain. I couldn’t stand his absence. It felt as though my very soul had been ripped away. No matter how much I drank, it wasn’t enough to forget him. It was only enough to drunk text him, and make things far worse than they already were. I regularly made a fool of myself in the eyes of the public on social media to try and get his attention. I would’ve done anything to get him back.

So many nights went by, but only for me to realize that I wasn’t done. I needed my fix. I just so desperately need one last chance to make things right. I got that chance. The Devil came back, and this time it was absolutely unbelievable. He had changed significantly. Lucifer, as I knew him, no longer existed. It was as if The Gods let him back into Heaven, and I was blessed enough to meet an angel. His flaws seemed to vanish right before my eyes. He became everything I had ever dreamed him to be. He was perfect to me. He had become sweet, loving, caring, and willing. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and experiencing. What did I do to deserve such an angel in my life? It was pure bliss. By far, it was the best thing I had ever experienced. The Devil traded his old ways for new, but so had I. I was soaking up all of his good nature, and trying my best to give back. Was I trying to give back, or trying to trap him? Now, I had him in my clutches. Wait, when did I become The Devil, myself?

Somehow, the roles got reversed. I had him right where I wanted him. I noticed he was slipping away, so I tried even harder to keep him in my grasp. I did everything in my power to keep my grip on him. I used his own manipulative tricks on him. I acted sweet, caring, and loving, just to reel him back in, and it worked. He wasn’t going to leave me over my dead body, or he wouldn’t make it out alive. Noticing him trying to leave, I gave him one final choice. I told him he must stay, or go this time. He chose to stick around, which only added fuel to the fire burning both of us alive.

After a few months into the most beautiful relationship I had ever known, the world came crashing down. The Devil reformed to his devilish ways, once more. One day, he disappeared. I completely stopped hearing from him, and I was left to wonder if he was still alive. Our scheduled plans passed, with still no answers from him. This made me absolutely furious. I made so many phone calls, and sent numerous texts, still no answer. The Devil left me high and dry, with no way to get another fix. The part that I could not stand was that there was yet again, no explanation. Just maybe if I got one last fix of The Devil by saying goodbye, it would all be over, and I could quit my addiction once more.

I was wholeheartedly devastated. My world was over in my eyes. If I could not get my fix, then what was I to do? There are a million things I could’ve done, but instead I chose to go to any extent to get my revenge. My revenge consisted of exposing Lucifer. He had posted a video of him defending people at a Black Lives Matter protest, and I decided to counter act that. I had a video saved of him saying n****r. This was a common thing for him to say, and it felt so good to see his life crumbling down, and threats being sent his way. The fire we had created had finally turned into a full blown explosion. It was just what The Devil inside of me needed. I needed my fix of his attention, and that’s just what I got. I got his attention through a phone call. This phone call added to the flames of the world around us that we had set ablaze. We created hell for each other, and it felt just like home. When did I become so hateful?

I realized once that wreckage had cleared, all the damage I had truly done. Not only did I have a long run with The Devil, I had become The Devil. What I learned, is that The Devil lives within each and every one of us. He taunts us, tempts us, and tries to control us. Unfortunately, sometimes he wins. This time, he triumphed over me, without hesitation. The goods news is, that this will be the last time I will ever have danced with The Devil. My old friend, Lucifer, will no longer be able to hold power over me. it took me 7 whole years to break free, and say goodbye to Lucifer. He is no longer welcome in my life, nor will he ever be.

As for The Devil inside of me, well he resides in all of us. It is up to each individual whether or not you let him come out to play. I have since put The Devil to rest, in every aspect of my life. He has served me illy, and I no longer hold space for him. I will forgive The Devil, and all of his workings, for he has taught me many valuable lessons. Lucifer, I wish you the best in all of your affairs, but leave me out of them. I forgive you, but most importantly, I forgive myself.

Your Old Friend,

Ali

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bazzybelle · 5 years

Text

Carry On Countdown - Day Four

Notes: So, I love Fleetwood Mac. They’re one of my favourite bands. So when I saw this prompt, I HAD to write a fic inspired by the song “Dreams”, written by the brilliant Stevie Nicks and performed by Fleetwood Mac (You all need to listen to the “Rumours” album. It’s musical ingenuity at its finest). The title and lyrics in the fic are taken from the song “Dreams”.

Thank you again to @carryonsimoncarryonbaz for the Beta-Read.

Finally, to the Americans that follow me, Happy Thanksgiving (fellow Canadians / non-Americans, Happy Thursday)! Hope you all have a good day, and if you’re having a tough time (because of family drama / bullshit), I send you love and support.

Love to you all.

Day 4 Prompt: Dreams

Title: Have you Any Dreams You’d Like to Sell?

________________________________________________________________

PENELOPE

These airplane seats are impossibly uncomfortable. No matter how much I fidget and readjust, I cannot get into a position where something isn’t digging into my stomach, or my hip, or my thighs. It’s almost enough to assume that airplane companies have some sick vendetta against individuals who do not fit the perfect Western standards of beauty.

Wankers. The lot of them.

I look around to see if my friends have settled down as well. I am the only one who is sitting amongst strangers. Lucky me, I think, sarcastically.

Agatha and Shepard are sitting a few rows ahead of me. I do not envy her at all. In fact, she may give me an earful once we arrive back in London for saddling her with Shepard. The man is absolutely relentless. I can only imagine the thousands of questions he will no doubt be asking Agatha. I am silently wondering how long it’ll take Agatha to beg me to exchange seats. I had not intended things to work out this way, but the seats assigned to us were the only ones left on the flight back home. Since we were on this flight illegally (as well as technically kidnapping a Normal -- although he more than gave consent to come along to London), it was best to stick to our original seats.

The group was not happy with me when I told them I was smuggling Shepard into the UK. Simon, while actually getting along well with Shepard, was worried that I would get into more trouble with the Coven: “It’s just that. We’ve already broken a lot of rules. And isn’t this kidnapping?”

Baz felt it absolutely necessary to be a smartarse. Trying to repair his cool mask after the trauma we had just experienced. Typical of a Pitch.

“Adopting Normals, are we Bunce? Your mother will be so thrilled.”

“Well his personality is a lot more palatable than the vampire I adopted last year!”

“You slay me, Bunce. You truly do”, Baz had responded with a sneer.

Speaking of which, I turn my head to a few rows behind me, to where Simon and Baz are sitting. Although they were seated next to each other, both of them looked like they wished they could be sitting anywhere else. Baz is sitting next to the window, staring at the landing strip, a melancholy look in his eyes. Simon is sitting in the aisle seat, completely preoccupied with whatever is going on in his head. I sigh angrily to myself. Those impossible boys will be the death of me. I do notice Simon turning to look at Baz, maybe reaching over to him. I shake my head and turn back to my seat.

Nicks and Slick, there may be hope for those idiots, yet.

I may give them a difficult time, but it’s truly because I care about them. For both of them! Simon is my very best friend. I love him as if he were one of my brothers. All I want is for him to be happy in his life. His whole life has been about sacrifice and suffering. He’s never been allowed to have anything for himself. For once in his life, he has a reason to be happy and hopeful for the future. I just want him to allow himself to be happy. To allow himself to accept being in love and to be loved back.

And Baz does love him. Any fool could see that he is utterly devoted to Simon. Stupidly devoted, but devoted nonetheless. And he is a good man, and an absolutely brilliant magician. I wish we had become friends earlier on at Watford. That hard outer shell that seems to envelop every member of that pompous family is just that -- a shell. Inside, Baz is softer than any one of us, always looking at Simon as if he’s the center of his world. Simon is my best friend, but I also care about Baz and it has been very difficult to watch him suffer because neither one knows how to talk to the other.

They need to figure their feelings out. I had hoped that this trip would not only help Simon, but that maybe it would help them as well. My initial hope was that Micah and I would settle our own issues and we could all travel together, demonstrating that nothing is ever lost. Even the most hopeless situations could be fixed.

I was wrong. I was so incredibly wrong. I tug at my jumper, trying to not think about the last time I saw Micah. How foolish I was to think we could fix our relationship. Micah had signed off on our relationship a lot sooner than I did. I want to stare out the window longingly (take a page out of Baz’s book), but I am stuck in an aisle seat. Instead, I pull out my mobile, pop in some earbuds and start to listen to some music.

The deep bass and thumping drums of “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac starts playing and I groan to myself. Of course this song starts to play as I begin to contemplate my failed relationship.

“Now here you go again, you say you want your freedom. Well who am I to keep you down?”

The thing is, Micah NEVER told me he wanted his freedom from me. He never once expressed that he was finished with us. He never gave me the option to fight for us. He decided on his own that this relationship was dead. I suppose that’s why breakups are so horrible. Most of the time, it really takes one person to decide to end things, while the other is left blindsided and unprepared to deal with the emotional aftermath. This whole trip was a series of Penelope Bunce being unprepared for everything.

If you had given me a chance to fight, Micah, I would have fought. I can feel the tears beginning to fall down my face once more. The poor passenger next to me will think I’m absolutely batty. Maybe I am absolutely batty. I am crying tears for a boy. A boy that broke my heart. I wrap my arms around my waist and close my eyes. Morgana, I am pathetic. Where is your fighting spirit, Penelope Bunce!?

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Players only love you when they’re playing. Women they will come and they will go. When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know. You’ll know.”

The plane starts to move, leaving the gate. It won’t be too long now before we take off, leaving all of this ugliness behind. I don’t think I ever want to come back here. I think we will all be better off if we leave America well enough alone for the remainder of our lives. I say goodbye to Micah in my mind.

Goodbye Micah. I am sorry that I checked you off a list. I am sorry that I was too thick to realize that we were over a long time ago. I am sorry that you did not feel it necessary to inform me that you were done.

I am sorry FOR you, Micah.

I am sorry for you, that you were too cowardly to be upfront and honest with me.

I am sorry for you, that you felt it better to give up on us instead of fighting for us.

I am sorry for you, that you have resigned to live your life in mundanity.

“Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions. I keep my visions to myself. It’s only me who wants to wrap around your dreams and have you any dreams you’d like to sell?”

Maybe I did check him off. Maybe I did decide that we had an established relationship and that there was nothing else to worry about. Maybe I was wrong in assuming that any relationship could be so certain. But that’s how it’s supposed to be, right? You meet someone, you get married, you start a family, end of story! You don’t have to worry about being in a relationship once your relationship is settled and secure! Once your relationship is settled, you can focus your time and energy on other pressing matters.

And there it is, I suppose.

“Dreams of loneliness, like a heartbeat drives you mad. In the stillness of remembering what you had, and what you lost. And what you had, and what you lost.”

I did take Micah for granted. I did assume that he would just always be around to wait for me. Wait for me to finish Watford. Wait for me to help Simon finish a quest; Wait for me to finish making sure that Simon is whole again. I mistakenly believed that he’d wait forever, and that was not fair to him.

At the same time… Erin. Baz was right when he told me that Micah was a coward. I assumed Micah would wait for me; Micah assumed he was free to date other girls, while still messaging me. Maybe this was for the best. After all, after the first night in America, I had stopped thinking about Micah. Even when I thought I was about to die in that vampire vehicle, Micah never once crossed my mind. Now, if I truly loved him the way that Baz loves Simon, wouldn’t I have thought more about him? Would I have made more of an effort to be with him? Who’s to say, really? That did not give him an excuse to hurt me like he did. His actions were unfair to me and caused me pain. He chose to accept the grey-area of our relationship as a reason to be unfaithful, and that was wrong.

“When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know. You’ll know. You will know. Oh, you’ll know.”

“Penelope. We are in the air. The seatbelt sign is off. Can we PLEASE switch seats. Your Normal is driving me mad!”

I snap out of my depressing thoughts as Agatha has begun to nudge my arms. I look at my watch. 40 minutes was enough to break her. I sigh and unbuckle my safety belt. I suppose spending eight hours next to a chatty Normal is better than being alone with my thoughts.

“I was hoping you’d last longer, honestly. And he isn’t my Normal!”

I take one last glance outside as the plane leaves the American skies behind.

Goodbye Micah. I wish you well in your life. I shall be alright in mine.

#coc 2019 #carry on countdown #carry on #wayward son #wayward son spoilers #penelope bunce #breakups suck #fleetwood mac #my writing #fanfic #dreams

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ironwoman359 · 5 years

Text

Seasons of Love

Summary: A sequel to @romanismyprince‘s beautiful fic Summer Romances are Bullshit. Please read that fic first for context, it is 650 words and essential for context to this story.

Pairings: Past romantic Prinxiety, Analogical, and Moxiety. Pre-Romantic LAMP.

Warnings: Some crying, talk of breakups, let me know if I need to add anything!

Word Count: 4,164. This uh...got away from me a bit XD

Read on AO3 here!

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Patton should have been happy. He was sitting in a picture perfect outdoor café with a mouthwatering french pastry and perfect cup of coffee in front of him, the sunshine warm against his skin. All around him, the sounds and smells of the city filled the air, twisting together in a beautiful harmony that promised magic for the daring soul who dared to reach out and take it.

Summer in Paris, it was more beautiful than Patton could have imagined.

And yet, as he sat staring off into the distance, his food untouched before him, all he could think about was Virgil. Virgil, who would have looked beautiful under the Parisian sun, his purple hair catching the light just so. Virgil, who would have loved the chocolate treats lining the patisserie’s windows (despite the edgy image he tried to maintain, Patton knew the man had an incurable sweet tooth). Virgil, who Patton had wanted to invite along on this trip of a lifetime.

Virgil, who had left.

Patton hadn’t understood why. Things had been going great, or so he thought. It had only been a few months of dating, but Patton was happier than he’d ever been. Virgil was stunning, in every possible way, and Patton was completely enamored with him. Though Virgil himself didn’t seem to understand how incredible he was. Patton had made it his mission to show him.

He must have failed though, because Virgil had pushed him away, a pain in his eyes that he wouldn’t name as he insisted that this was for the best, no matter how much Patton pleaded with him to stay.

“Please, Virgil! Was it something I did wrong?” he remembers asking, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“No, Pat,” Virgil had said, his tone deadpan, resigned. “You were perfect. And that’s the problem.”

Then he’d left, leaving Patton to pick up the broken pieces of his heart alone.

“Excusez-moi monsieur?” a voice broke through Patton’s thoughts, and he looked up to see a rather attractive man wearing a tie and glasses looking at him with a concerned expression on his face. “Est-ce que tu vas bien?“ the man continued, and Patton winced.

“Um...Je ne....parle pas français...bien,” he stammered out apologetically. He gestured to himself, then said, “Je viens...America.”

“Oh, I see,” the man said, switching flawlessly to english. “While what you actually just said is “I am coming America,” I understand your intent. I also am an American. What I had said was ‘Excuse me, sir, are you alright?’”

“Oh...” Patton smiled. “Well thanks for asking, kiddo, but I’m doing just fine!”

“Are you sure?” the man asked, raising an eyebrow at Patton. “You were crying.”

Patton put a hand to his face, startled to find tears beneath his fingertips. He blushed.

“Oh...I’m sorry.”

“There is no need to apologize for one’s emotions,” the man said kindly. “May I...join you?”

Patton shrugged and nodded, and the man pulled a chair up and sat down.

“Do you...wish to talk about what is troubling you?” the man asked, and Patton sighed.

“You...you’ll think I’m silly,” Patton said with a shaky laugh. “It’s just...my boyfriend broke up with me...just a couple of weeks ago...and I just really miss him.” Patton sniffled, and the man nodded sympathetically.

“I do not think that’s silly at all,” he said quietly. “I had to leave behind my own boyfriend when I moved here to study...I have missed him greatly, so I believe I understand how you feel.”

Patton shot the stranger a grateful smile, but found tears pooling in his eyes again as his thoughts once again fell on Virgil.

“I...I wanted him to come with me,” he admitted quietly, embarrassed at the crack in his voice, but the other man simply laid a hand over his, gently encouraging him to continue. “On this trip. I had it all planned out, the tickets bought and everything. I was going to surprise him after a date to the park...a picnic at the place we met.” He sniffled, and wiped a few tears away. “But he broke up with me before I could even ask.”

“I’m sorry,” the man murmured, stroking his thumb over the back of Patton’s hand. “That must have hurt terribly.”

Patton could only nod.

“If...if it’s not to bold of me to ask...why did he leave you?” The man winced, then quickly added, “of course, it’s none of my business, you don’t have to tell me if it’s too personal-”

“No, it’s alright,” Patton reassured him, offering a small smile. “I...I don’t know why, actually. That...I think is part of why it hurts so much. I asked him if it was...” Patton took a shaky breath. “If it was something I did, but all Virgil would say is that I had been perfect.”

Tears pooled in his eyes again, and he screwed his eyes shut.

“If I was perfect, then why did he leave?”

The man froze, and Patton cursed himself inwardly.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to overshare, I just–”

“Virgil?” the man repeated, as though he hadn’t heard Patton.

“I...yeah, Virgil. My...my ex,” Patton said, frowning at the strange look on his companion’s face. “Is something wrong?”

The man shook his head, his eyes wide behind his glasses.

“I am simply...surprised. Virgil is not that common of a first name in the english language, and yet that is also the name of my ex. The odds of us both having an ex with that name are extremely slim, and yet here we are. It is quite remarkable...are you alright?”

It was Patton’s turn to stare now, as he took in the man, really took him in. The analytical yet gentle nature, the cool demeanor, the fact that he had left his boyfriend in order to study abroad...

“What...what did you say your name was?” Patton asked.

“I...it’s Logan. Logan Abbot.” Logan gave Patton a quizzical look.

“So...the odds of us both having an ex with the same first name are pretty slim?” Patton asked, and Logan nodded. “Okay...so what would the odds be that we have an ex with the same last name too?”

Logan stared.

“Are you saying–”

“Your ex isn’t Virgil Shae by any chance, is he?” Patton asked.

“I...how did you...”

“You’re Logan,” Patton said, shaking his head in disbelief. “You’re Logan, you’re the guy Virgil dated last winter who got to study abroad in France for your masters program.”

“He...he told you about me?” Logan’s voice was small, surprised, and Patton nodded.

“We got a little tipsy one night and started talking about exes. I told him about my old boyfriend Dylan, and he told me about you...he said that he hated that you had to leave but that he was so proud of you.”

“I wanted to try long distance,” Logan said quietly. “But he insisted that it would distract me, and that he couldn’t stand the idea of holding me back.”

“That’s Virgil, alright,” Patton said, a fond smile slipping onto his face. “He said the same thing about Roman.”

Logan’s eyes widened.

“Roman?” he repeated, leaning forward.

“Yeah, before he dated you, Virgil told me he dated an actor named Roman Crown. Said he was wonderful, but he got a role in a movie overseas and had to leave...what are you looking at me like that for?”

Logan let out a strange laugh, reaching up and rubbing his eyes beneath his glasses.

“I knew Virgil had dated an actor, but I didn’t realize...I had no idea...”

“What?” Patton pressed, and Logan leaned back in his chair.

“Roman Crown’s movie was filmed here, in Paris. Our paths crossed at an english poetry reading near my university...he performed a stunning reading of poem he’d written called “My Fallen Angel,” and afterwards I complimented him on his work.”

Realization sparked in Logan’s eyes, and he groaned.

"Oh my god, that poem was about Virgil, wasn’t it? He even said, it was about someone he’d had to leave behind but still loved dearly...I assumed an ex, of course, but I never thought...”

Logan coughed, and suddenly his expression turned sheepish.

“We became friends after that night, although recently...I believe he has been dropping hints that he would like to be something more...in fact, I was supposed to meet him here today for coffee.” he shook his head, staring at Patton in bewilderment. “And then I meet you here as well. Amazing.”

"You can say that again,” said a new voice.

Patton looked up and locked eyes with a tall, handsome man wearing a white jacket over a red shirt.

“Roman!” Logan exclaimed, his face turning a rather adorable shade of pink, and Patton had a sudden, inescapable thought flood his mind.

Oh my god, I’m so gay.

He didn’t have a lot of time to dwell on that though, because Roman was still talking.

“So, I’m not one to eavesdrop normally, but I was coming over to find you, Lo, and see who your friend here was, and I didn’t catch everything, but I definitely heard the name Virgil.” He looked back and forth between the two men, a question in his eyes. “Mind explaining what’s going on?”

So, they told him.

Patton introduced himself and took turns with Logan explaining that they both had dated Virgil, the same Virgil that Roman himself had dated all those months ago.

“So wait, the poems that I wrote, the ones you said were what initially drew you to me...” Roman started, staring at Logan in disbelief.

“Yes, it would seem that you were writing about a man that we both had loved before,” Logan said simply.

“I...I might still love him,” Roman said quietly. “I...don’t think I ever stopped loving him, not really. When I was offered this role...Virgil was the one who told me to take it. I was hesitant, because it meant moving away from everything I knew, away from him, but he knew this was my dream, and he insisted I pursue it.”

“I...must confess, I feel the same,” Logan murmured. “He was incredibly supportive of my decision to come here for my studies...so much so that he declined my offers of attempting to continue our relationship long distance. He said something to the effect of ‘I don’t want to be the reason you don’t succeed.’”

“He...said that to me, too,” Roman added. “He said ‘I won’t be the reason you don’t make it big, Princey. You’re taking the role.’”

“Oh...” Patton whispered, and Roman and Logan turned to him. “I think I understand now.”

“What do you mean, Patton?” Logan asked, and Patton took a shaky breath.

“I didn’t understand before why Virgil left me...when I asked him if I’d done something wrong all he said was ‘You were perfect. And that’s the problem.' I didn’t understand that before, but I do now.” Patton looked up at the others, a sad smile on his face. “Virgil loved you. Both of you. So much so that he was willing to give you up when he thought that was what was best. He didn’t want to hold you back...”

Roman made a soft ‘oh’ sound as Logan’s eyes widened in comprehension.

“He left me because he thought he held me back,” Patton finished, tears welling up in his eyes again. “He didn’t though, he didn’t. I loved him.” He squeezed his eyes shut against the tears, and vaguely he registered Logan taking his hand again, Roman murmuring gentle words of reassurance in his ear as he rubbed his back, but none of that seemed to matter right then.

“I love him,” he whispered again, and Logan’s grip tightened.

“We know, Patton,” Roman said, his voice soft and comforting. “We know.”

--- --- ---

Virgil hadn’t left his apartment in a long time. His groceries were delivery, he could work on commissions from his living room, and there were no friends who would miss him if he shut himself away, so what was the point of doing anything else?

It was summer, after all, the season that he despised the most. The air was hot and sticky, and wherever he looked was another giggly, smiling couple, another reminder of how alone he was. Virgil couldn’t wait for the cooler air and colorful leaves that fall would bring...though the new memories that would come with it, those he could do without.

Virgil sighed, and put his head in his hands, his drawing tablet forgotten on the table next to him. Did he have to go and ruin every season by being a stupid sap and falling in love? He couldn’t think of bonfires now without hearing Roman singing along to a Disney film, couldn’t picture snowfall without the taste of chocolate, coffee, and the smell of paper and ink that followed Logan wherever he went, couldn’t imagine new flowers in bloom without seeing the twinkle in Patton’s eye or the bubbles popping at the top of his champagne glass.

All that was left to him was summer, stupid, sweaty, overhyped summer. He supposed it was what he deserved, for letting himself fall so easily.

Well.

It wasn’t a mistake he would be making again, that was for sure.

Virgil picked up his stylus again and tried to focus on his work, but he was finding it difficult to concentrate. After about forty-five minutes of not getting anywhere, he decided to call it quits. Maybe inspiration would come back to him later. He’d just deposited himself on the couch and turned on the TV when a knock sounded through his apartment.

Virgil gave the offending front door a skeptical look.

Nobody ever came to visit him, not anymore, so who would be knocking at his door? He really didn’t want to deal with someone trying to sell him health insurance or something right now. But when a soft, gentle, oh so achingly familiar voice called out “Virgil? Are you in there, kiddo?” he knew it wasn’t just a salesman.

He thought about not answering, he really did, but then Patton called out again, “Virgil, please?” and he found himself walking over to the door despite his better judgement. He’d never quite been able to resist Patton.

But opening the door and seeing the two men on either side of Patton, he realized that Patton wasn’t the only thing he had to worry about.

"R-ro?” he asked, taking a step back in surprise. “Logan?”

“Hey, Emo Knightmare,” Roman said quietly, and Virgil winced at the old pet name.

“Wh- what are you guys doing here?” Virgil asked, his eyes flitting back and forth between his three ex-boyfriends.

“Virgil, I believe the four of us need to talk,” Logan said. “May we come in?”

“I, I...” Virgil’s heart was beating faster now, and he was finding it difficult to catch his breath. What on earth would make all three of them come to see him? How did they even know each other!?

“Virgil, you’re not in trouble,” Patton soothed, reaching towards him but stopping just shy of touching him. “All we want is for you to hear what we have to say. After that, you can kick us out if you want, but first...please just listen to us?”

Virgil looked into Patton’s wide, pleading eyes, then stole a glance at Roman’s hopeful face and Logan’s hands fidgeting with his tie.

“Okay,” he said, doing his best to sound nonchalant. From the raise of Logan’s eyebrow and the quirk of Roman’s lips, he knew he hadn’t succeeded, but he tried not to focus on those little looks, on how familiar they were as he let the three of them in and closed the door behind him.

“So...” he shoved his hands into his hoodie pockets and looked over at them, careful not to make eye contact with anyone. “What’s going on?”

“Virgil,” Logan began, taking a deep breath. “The three of us are here today because, as you know, each of us have dated you for part of this past year.”

“Think he knows that, Specs,” Roman muttered, and Patton swatted at Roman’s arm, making a shushing sound. Virgil arched an eyebrow at the easy familiarity between the three of them, but kept silent as Logan rolled his eyes at Roman before continuing.

“While each of us only dated you for a short period of time when compared to the lifespan of an adult, we all deeply treasure the time that we spent with you, and were very sorry to see it end.”

“Not only that,” Roman picked up where Logan left off, his eyes glowing with affection, “but we’ve really missed you, Virgil. Being in the movie was an absolutely incredible experience, and I’m so glad I was able to do it, but...God, Virgil, I missed you every day. I thought about trying to contact you sometimes, but...I never could quite muster up the courage to do it.”

Virgil blinked in surprise at the thought of Roman not having the courage to do something, but before he had time to dwell on that thought, Logan was speaking again.

“Similarly, I found myself unable to keep my thoughts off of you while pursuing my studies. I wondered many times if I had made the right choice in leaving you, in not pushing harder for a long distance relationship. I too considered contacting you many times to attempt to regain some of what we’d lost, but since it was at your insistence that we broke things off cleanly, I did not wish to do anything to make you unhappy.”

Virgil stared at Logan, shocked by the confession. He’d always assumed that Logan was offering to go long distance out of courtesy, and he hadn’t wanted to make things hard on Logan by putting him through that, so he’d said they should end things altogether.

“I...” he started, but before he could summon anymore words, Patton was speaking.

“When...when you left me, Virgil, I didn’t understand.” His voice was small, layered with hurt, and Virgil cursed himself internally for being the one to cause that hurt. But this was why he’d had to leave, wasn’t it? So that Patton wouldn’t be hurt even worse because of him...

“But then, I went to Paris,” Patton continued, and confusion replaced the guilt in Virgil’s mind. “I...had wanted you to come, actually. Had the tickets and everything. But you broke it off, and...well, I thought maybe if I still took the trip, I’d be able to clear my head a bit.” Patton smiled at Roman and Logan, and there was a tender look in his eyes that Virgil realized with a start that he recognized as fondness.

“Turns out, I was right.”

“The three of us met there,” Logan continued, and Virgil’s eyes grew wide. “In fact, Roman and I met several months ago, not long after I moved to Paris. But the two of us met Patton in a café, and got to talking. We quickly realized that the three of us had one very big thing in common.” Logan gave Virgil a pointed look, and Virgil grimaced.

“Sorry,” he muttered, since he wasn’t sure what else to say.

“Oh, no honey...” Patton murmured as Logan responded,

“On the contrary, I am exceedingly grateful that the three of us met under the given circumstances.”

“Besides the fact that Patton was in a state of heartbreak, of course,” Roman added, and Logan planted his face into his palm as Virgil winced.

“Of course, my apologies, Patton, I didn’t mean to imply that I am glad you were in distress–”

“It’s okay, Logan,” Patton said, ever understanding, ever forgiving. “I’m glad we met like that too. Because meeting there, it helped us all to realize something.” Patton smiled over at Virgil, his eyes soft. “Do you know what that is, kiddo?”

Virgil could only shake his head, then suddenly, Roman was at his side, taking his hand and stroking his thumb over Virgil’s knuckles.

“I realized that I still love you, mi amor,” he whispered, and Virgil barely had time to make a half choked noise of surprise before Logan was taking his other hand.

"I also still love you, Virgil,” he said softly, and Virgil swallowed.

Roman’s grip was hot and full of fire and soul while Logan’s was cool and grounding, and having one on either side was making his head spin and his stomach churn, but even as he tried to interpret the conflicting sensations, he found that it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. The two balanced each other somehow, and Virgil definitely didn’t hate the end result.

But then Patton was standing right in front of him, reaching up towards Virgil’s face. He moved slowly, giving Virgil time to move or say no, but Virgil let him, and Patton’s hand cupped the side of Virgil’s face, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

“I love you, Virgil. So, so much.”

“P-pat...”

“Of course, it was initially a bit awkward realizing that we all felt this way about the same person,” Logan continued, then he reached over and placed a hand on Patton’s shoulder. “But we soon came to another realization.”

Roman smiled, and reached over Patton’s other shoulder to cover Logan’s hand, bringing the four of them together in a strange sort of mix between an embrace and holding hands.

“Logan and I were already developing feelings for each other in France, and after spending the rest of Patton’s vacation with him...well, it was hard not to fall for the little puffball as well.”

“So what we came to ask you is...” Patton paused, glancing between Roman and Logan briefly who each nodded at him before all three of them turned their attention back to Virgil. “...Would you like to try again? With all three of us?”

Virgil was stunned, but as he looked at the three of them that shock gave way to something else. He imagined reading poetry by the light of a bonfire, drinking champagne while snow fell outside, singing Disney princess songs in the park while flowers bloomed. He saw the way Logan looked into Patton’s eyes, the way Patton leaned into Roman’s touch, the way Roman squeezed Logan’s hand. The three of them fit so well together, and then there was him, the one on the outside, the one who always ruined everything.

“It’s okay if you say no,” Logan interrupted his thoughts, nerves clear in his voice. “We respect that it is your decision. However, it would be very–”

“You...you’re sure you want me?” Virgil asked, his voice small and thin but oh so hopeful.

“Oh, Virgil,” Patton whispered, the tears falling from his eyes.

“Of course we want you,” Logan murmured to Virgil’s right, squeezing his hand.

“More than anything,” Patton added, and Roman nodded from Virgil’s other side.

“That is...if you’ll have us, mi amor?”

Virgil looked around at the three men he’d fallen in love with, who he knew he’d never really stopped loving at all, and felt something in his heart swell.

“Yeah...” he whispered, and he smiled at the way that Patton’s face lit up. “I’d...really like that.”

Patton surged forward and pressed their lips together, and Virgil let go of Roman and Logan’s hands to cup Patton’s face. It had only been a few weeks, but god he’d missed the taste of Patton’s lips, like birthday cake and honey and the promise of home.

The kiss was over far too soon for his liking, but as soon as Patton pulled away, Logan was in his place, leaning forward, and Virgil let himself fall into the familiar rhythm of kissing him. Logan still smelled like paper and ink and his breath tasted like coffee and cool peppermint, and Virgil could almost imagine frost on the window panes.

Then, Logan was stepping back, and Virgil was face to face with Roman, the first one he’d fallen for, the one he’d never stopped missing, no matter how much he had adored the others as well. Roman looked almost shy, and this time it was Virgil who made the first move, reaching forward and pulling Roman to him. Roman was wearing his vanilla chapstick, and as his strong arms snaked around Virgil’s waist, Virgil felt like he could cry. When Roman drew away, Virgil whined and pulled him close again, this time burying his face in Roman’s chest and wrapping his arms around his middle.

Two more sets of arms encircled the pair, and this, right here, the four of them intertwined together, this was absolutely perfect.

Fall was bonfires and apple cider and Disney marathons.

Winter was poetry books and hot chocolate and cuddling under piles of blankets.

Spring was walks in the park and flower crowns and late night conversations that sometimes turned into debates.

And Summer...

Summer was four different sounds of laughter, arguing over who got to hold whose hand, falling asleep under the stars in a messy tangle of limbs, and feeling unconditionally, irrevocably loved.

Maybe Summer wasn’t so bad after all.

--- --- ---

AN: This started as an impulse after reading @romanismyprince‘s fic and thinking “Ok but what if it was LAMP” and turned into this 4,000 word beast, so thank you for sticking with it! Let me know if you want to be added to my taglist, and check out my Fanfic Masterlist for more of my work! If you like what I do, please consider throwing me a tip on ko-fi! Love you guys! -Taylor<3

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