.

The Faceless Shadow: I

Word Count: 2073

Warnings: spoilers of s1 finale, mention of rape, mention of murder, Billy Butcher, language, alcohol

Summary: Five years later, you enjoy life after years of hardwork bringing NYC under one rule.

A/n: yeah... let's just yeah.

Five Years Later

$1.50

You frowned at the prices of the last stack of newspaper in front of the glass window. Billy Butcher's face smirking up at you from the front cover aggravated you. Sure it'd been some time since the Mallory incident, but you'd lost men to Lamplighter when Frenchie left his post. Begrudgingly, you threw in the needed money and snatched the old, wrinkly paper out of its casing.

Using people was what he enjoyed doing, and what he would continue doing in his quest for vengeance. Losing an associate was pitiful, but to one of your made men? There wasn't going to be a second chance. Zero wasn't happy, and you certainly were ticked off at the past still. Tucking the newspaper clip into your jacket, you headed back to the club. 

Ten fronts. All ranging from clubs to restaurants. Mostly legitimate, in terms of paying taxes. New York City was divided into Staten Island, Queens, Manhattan, Bronx, and Brooklyn. Zero headed Queens, and your third took over Staten Island. Although your main headquarters was situated in Brooklyn, you enjoyed the sights and the skyscrapers of Manhattan.

Including Vought Tower.

Vought. The head of supes and all things capitalism. The main reason why you kept all business on the very down low, despite the very club that even some of The Seven visited regularly. Blackmail: A very old fashioned, but reliable form of silence. 

Rounding a few corners, you slowed to a halt in front of the vip line. The DJ was in by now, and the lines outside grew by the minute as the sun dipped below the horizon. Two bouncers in black stood outside, flanking both sides of the entrance and refusing bribes for those wanting to enter early. The Vortex was a popular club, and business was booming. Noticing you, the two bouncers stepped aside. And with a polite nod, you entered the club, much to the dismay and protests from behind.

Music pulsate as lights from the dance floor shined and glittered within the dark. The DJ was in, and every body cheered. Rounded tables littered around the edges with plenty of people of all ages, drinking, grinding on one another, and flirting with the multitude of waitresses and sex workers. Smoking was prohibited within, but all was allowed on the outdoor spaces filled with recliners, a pool, and a jacuzzi. 

Ignoring the cat calls thrown your way from those relaxing in the lounges, you headed deeper within the nightclub. Taking a few turns into a less populated section and nodding again at the bouncers standing guard at the bottom of the VIP stairs, you headed up. At the landing, all eyes nervously turned to you.

And rightly so. 

Most knew you were high up in the family. You've made it that way for a reason. The less people knew, the better. Very few people knew who you truly were. With a quick wave, a smile, and a polite hello, you ducked onto another flight of stairs towards your office. 

"Oi, dick face, what are you looking at them for?" Came from behind. Last you knew before you closed the door, was the sound of a brawl. Sighing, you plopped into your office chair and-

"Boss, I've got the year's expenses on your desk." Grace spoke from the speakerphone, effectively shattering your peace. 

"Thanks Grace," You mumbled, pushing the stack of documents to the side. All you wanted was to grab a drink, keep an eye on the offshore accounts, and call it a night. Definitely didn't want a headache with the financial advisor on how to keep your fronts legit. Taxes could go fuck themselves, if you had a say in it. "I'll take a look at them later. Just log it in for next year's tax season."

"Oh and one more thing."

"Yeah?" You reached down into your mini fridge for a beer.

"Well- it's." A nervous pause. "There's someone on the line asking for you." Another pause. 

"Who is it?" You asked, popping the cap off and leaning back into your chair.

"Butcher."

There was a long pause of silence as you tumbled the name on your lips. It had been years since you last saw him, much less even contacted. Ever since the Mallory incident, you immediately cut ties with the former SAS Special Force. Two of your men were burned by Lamplighter, and you haven't quite forgiven him.

"No. Tell him I'm busy. I don't want to speak with him. He can go find help elsewhere."

"He insisted."

Unfurling the newspaper from within your jacket, you laid it out on your desk, frowning down at the same man that wanted to speak with you. The small picture of Butcher himself scowled up at you on the front page, making headlines for brutally murdering Vought's VP. You sighed.

"I'm sorry, I tried. But he's a-" A nervous chuckle. "He's a weasel."

You waved the apology away. "Put him through. We'll talk about this later."

An audible gulp. "He's on line 2 whenever you're ready."

Green light above Line 2 flashed steadily on your landline. Rather reluctantly, you leaned forward and plucked the landline phone up, already regretting giving Butcher your office number. Leaning back once more, you dimmed the lights down and closed your eyes. "We agreed to never contact again."

"Hello love." A familiar voice spoke loudly against the backdrop of New York traffic. 

"No. Whatever the hell you have planned, I don't want part of it. Things are finally looking up, and I'm not going to fuck up this chance. Vought's stocks are booming. I'm making money, don't have to worry constantly on anyone placing a hit on me. Zero is having the time of their life. I'm out of that mercenary life, found a different calling. "

An annoyed sigh. "How is Zero?"

"Married with their husband. Life is good," You shrugged. "If you've got nothing else to say, then I'm heading off to finish this fucking beer. Goodbye Butcher."

"Give me one fucking minute, love. I'll explain everything."

Got nothing to lose. "Forty five seconds and counting."

"Becca. I found Becca. Me wife has a son, Homelander's son. The cunt fucking raped my wife, fucking hid her away for so long. I was there. I saw her. Green lawn. White picket. I can find her with your help. You, mate, as a person of your skills." A pause. "Sitting behind a desk. Wasted."

"Look what Lamplighter did. Burned two of my men. Burned Mallory's grandchildren. Nothing to bring back home, not even their teeths," You hissed, slamming the beer onto the office table. Bubbles sloshed down the bottle, pooled, and dripped down onto the carpet. "It has always been about Becca with you. Becca this, Becca that. No, Butcher. Screwed up that one chance. I'm not doing it. You just don't care. You use your friends, then throw them to the side like fucking garbage when you're done."

"It'll be different this go. None of that "secrets and lies" bollocks. And that Mallory shit ain't gonna happen this time. I swear to God."

Drip. Drip.

You pinched the bridge of your nose, hating every syllable the man on the other line breathed out. With a shake of your head, you sighed, reigning in your anger and pulling out a cabinet for paper towels. "Alright, motherfucker. What did you do? The cameras at the club picked you up."

"We just dusted a supe." Butcher smugly spoke, confidence oozing through the line. 

"Bullshit."

"Translucent." 

That cheeky bastard. "How the fuck did you do it?"

"Well. Big lump of C-4, packed right up his fudger. Boom," He was excited. "Boom. Claret everywhere. Fucking diabolical."

"But…?" You cut into his amazement. 

"He coughed up a solid lead. Spilled the beans in a big way. Now, we play this right, we could shake up the whole hornets' nest, bring down Seven and Vought at the same time. Y/N, you are the only one I can trust."

You raised an eyebrow at the mention of your name, dance so delicately on his tongue. It was as if the man was putting you on a pedestal. "Names are powerful, Butcher. You know this. However, since when have you ever trusted anybody?"

There was a sly pause on the other end. 

Fights were less often nowadays. Since the fall of the fifth family of New York, there was no need for the heightened anxiety to be on the lookout. Nowadays with your tight grip, it was just petty gangsters that riddle the streets, pretending to be big and bad. Some killed, robbed, or graffitied, all in the name of trying to impress you. No action, no thrilling action that needed your every second of attention. 

And if you were going to be honest with yourself, you missed the action, the absolute adrenaline pumping thrill of physically working towards a common goal. There was a camaraderie in that sense, where no place else could ever replicate, but neck deep in shit.

"Oh, fuck me," You mumbled in defeat. 

Eats Everything: @asraime @aspiring-ginger @mournthewicked @bluesclues-1234 @ladylizzieofdarbyshire @groovyfluxie @keijibum @also-fangirlinsweden @mysoulshideaway @fandom-imagination-ss @your-sparklywinnercollection @yakuzussian-2nd @supergeekfangirl @mayday1284 @sayanythingcreations

Karl Urban: @fandomsfeelsandfamily @justa-traaash @yueci @writerdee1701 @hlabounty96 @lacychick

The Boys: @space-cowboy2227

On the scale of 0-10, how much do you want to kick Madara's ass, Mito?

Mito: It goes between 7/10 in normal circumstances to 1000/10 when he purposely behaves like a scassapalle ( = pain in the ass but not quite that exactly).

Sometimes, I do want to kick his ass because it seems to be the only thing able to stop him from being too unnecessarily contrarious just for the sake of it, in a self-(and others)destructive way. Because, sometimes, Madara isn't able to see his own bullshit if nobody points it out to him, but unfortunately the only way Madara'd let himself listen to others' reason is if that person is able to beat it into him.

So be it, I'm fine with it and he is too. We made this deal and that's the start of our friendship, did you know?

So, I don't really want to kick Madara's ass per se, most of the time, even though he IS aggravating more often than what it's healthy. And grumpy, and rude, jumpy, spiteful, unforgiving, paranoid old-born man. Although his discretion, sarcastic spite and no-bullshit attitude can even be useful and entertaining when directed to the right people (and when you know how to channel him into them to prevent him from spiraling into even more twisted dramatics than those you're trying to run from). The point I'm trying to make is: you learn to handle a fight-or-fight, cornered and blunt cat and you'll know how to deal with Madara. So, I managed to reach a mutually respectful relationship with him, in spite of everything, because when he's not being ... well, himself, he's a very intelligent man and I enjoy our conversations. Although I really did want to kick his ass when I had no choice but to seal the Kyuubi into myself to help Hashirama in the Valley of the End. Because, only because HE thought that bringing a fucking Bijou at the edge of the village in order to fight Hashirama was a good idea, it does not mean that it is one. It wasn't. Not in the least, it was unnecessary and dramatic, even by his standards. I made peace with the fact I'm the first jinchuriki in Konoha early, so it's less of a big deal than it could have been, but still.

Paradoxically, I have to admit that the moments when I find him most annoying are those when he isn't even there. I'm talking about my own husband's apparent obsession with him and the (too many, if you ask me) times he just can't seem to be able to shut up about him. He told me the river story so many times I'm sure I could recite it in my sleep. I'm starting to feel like I'll be better off asking for a divorce and leave Hashirama to him out of spite. I'm sure my sanity would thank me if I did, but unfortunately I love Hashirama very much so I won't. Madara'd send him back to me within a day when the urge to strangle him for his overbearing attitude becomes too much, anyway, so it wouldn't even be a problem. In fact complaining about Hashirama's obnoxious antics with Madara is always funny, when I hear of people thinking that Hashi is a cause of contention/dislike between us I think it's just plain stupid, it's not like that at all. I know that Hashirama loves me, like he loves his brother, even Madara in a sense as well as the village.

But sometimes I feel as if all the years he spent associating his idea of peace with the alliance with the Uchiha, consequently his unwavering conviction that the only way he could achieve both was to necessarily bind Madara, the Uchiha clanhead, back to their old bond whatever it took (because it wasn't broken it was still there no matter what anyone thought it still was a gift from the divine) made him come to unconsciously link in his mind the very village's hopes of stability with Madara's own very ill-balanced stability and good will towards it.

In Hashirama's world, if Madara is pacified and he doesn't disrupt the village's armony for any reason, then the village will be fine, but the opposite is also true. Village is peace, peace is the dream, the village is the(ir?) dream (transitive property is the key here), but there's a sour, dissonant note: that's a very dangerous, unstable line of thinking, for all of us, himself and Madara included.

Because, differently from what Hashirama thinks, in Madara's vision, himself and that dream no longer coincide since when their bond was severed and it awakened his Sharingan at the river as a consequence. Their very definitions of that dream differed at the root. The mechanism stopped working, the gears need to be rearranged, not to be seen as the same as before, in order to keep working together. He's not the same as when they were little anymore and it isn't even only about Izuna's death but Madara himself. In fact it started before that, Izuna's death is one of the aggravating factors, not the trigger. Hashirama deep down knows it but he vehemently insists on ignoring it with all his might and that's what is deepening the fracture between them.

Hashirama refuses to see Madara for what he is but he wants to see only the kid he met at the river, because that kid is the one who gave Hashirama the confidence that his dream was possible. He still, genuinely, stubbornly believes that that kid still exists somewhere, because he must exist, because if Madara still believes in their village and keeps on giving him that confidence (that is, if Madara still behaves with Hashirama like that kid would, even while slowly breaking beyond repair on the inside), then eventually all will be fine and everything will adjust itself given enough time and hope. But when he doesn't, Hashirama becomes nearly paranoid and desperately tries whatever he can think of in the hope of tying Madara to their dream of the village again, this time possibly forever and indefinitely: calling him his brother (as if for Madara their real brothers weren't the only real bond while theirs is a breaking thread next to a fine but now forever severed cloth); nudging him to see Konoha villagers as they were his new family now that he lost his own (well knowing what kind of visceral bond that'd be if it were completed given that Madara is involved); giving him hope that he could be Hokage, a hope Hashirama didn't know it'd be crushed and burned to the roots by such a public humiliation. The worst part is that Hashirama doesn't even seem to be aware of half of these psychological issues of his. However, that's the person Hashirama sees, not the real Madara, never his adult, despairing, fierce-but-borderline-suicidal version. And Madara knows it, he resents it and will keep to silently poison himself with that knowledge in total, stubborn solitude until it will inevitably make him rot to the bone and erase the rest of the world with him. All of this while seeing all the underlying not-yet-born-but-still-there faults in the village's very system and Hashirama's rule! But, instead of just saying it so we can try to limit the damage, he just keeps them for himself as the indisputable proof of how the whole system is doomed to failure. To be honest, I do know why he doesn't talk, though, and that's because nobody'd listen to what is only considered an unstable, belligerent madman's apocalyptic words, no matter how prophetic they'll reveal themselves to be in the years. These are still other big reasons why I want to kick his ass, though, and I suspect that he knows. Count another reason, then.

They are just... Ahrg. Just talk, guys, like the mature people you ARE supposed to be but will never be. You understand that I'm in the middle of that, don't you? It gives me a massive headache on a good day and lately more often than not they make it a shitty day. I'm tired of constantly having to listen to Hashirama complaining about Madara this, Madara that, just because they're not sincere enough to just TALK and settle their differences within the limits of what it's actually possible, and because they don't talk about it (and when they do it seems like they are threading through two or three different discourses at the same time that nothing have to do with the problem at hand) they will never understand each other like they clearly need to and then we have to solve all the problems their bullshit leaves behind.

I'm not saying that they could resolve those problems by just talking, because they are too big for only the two of them and they often involve how something like world peace should be achieved. So, you understand why they'll never see eye to eye on that. But talking could be a start.

Mine feels like a full-time, underpaid and overly frustrating, babysitting job. Sometimes, I just want to kick both of their asses for being purposely (Madara) and unconsciously (Hashirama) difficult.

Sorry for my ramblings, but as a woman, a kunoichi and a wife I needed to vent a bit and too few people ask for my opinion nowadays, our self-appointed author first and foremost.

P. S.: I do want to kick his ass when he steals my hairpins out of spite after I have beaten him and Tobirama at shogi. 8/10, then.

For @dinainwater

It definitely got out of hand in the end 🤣 Rambling has always been a problem for me and rarely I manage to actually restrain myself, but I promise eventual next answers won't be this long. So, I hope it hasn't bored you (?) 😅. But I felt like Mito needed to make her opinion matter, so it was worth!

(If the reasoning explained above seemed twisted and unnecessarily difficult, it's because those two have a deeply unhealthy relationship)

However, thank you for your ask like always and I hope you enjoyed it 😁 whatever other question is always welcomed, don't worry 😊

*

•If The World Was Ending•

This one shot is based off of the song If The World Was Ending by JP Saxe and Julia Michales. Sorry about no italics, when i copied it over they didn’t change and I can’t go and change all of them.

~

I was distracted

And in traffic

I didn't feel it

When the earthquake happened

Edward Kaspbrak, risk analyst, fellow New Yorker, was stuck in the one thing he hated most, traffic. The air conditioner in his car was on high, the mid-June air was hot and humid. As much as he craved to open the windows and get some fresh air, he knew how prone he was to road rage, especially during traffic, and wasn’t in the mood to hear his victim’s response. He just wanted to curse them out in peace. 

“What the fuck is going on? MOVE ASSHAT!” He shouted at the car in front of him that just randomly halted. He watched in confusion as the driver, a teenage girl, stepped out of her car and looked around. Then he noticed a couple other drivers doing the same. Traffic had completely stopped around him, it created a weird vibe, New York became quieter for a moment and it was very unnerving. 

Eddie considered it for a moment, everyone’s stopped so you’re not gonna get hit by a car, he thought before he followed suit and got out of his car. 

“What the hell is going on?” He asked the closest person to him, which was the teenage girl. She had short wavy brown hair and wore a jean vest and matching shorts. 

“You didn’t feel it?” Her voice is filled with concern as she raises an eyebrow. 

“Feel what?”.

“The earthquake,” She says.

But it really got me thinkin'

Were you out drinkin'?

Were you in the living room

Chillin' watchin' television?

The news sent a wave of worries through Eddie’s body, he raked his hand through his hair. His gaze went slightly blurry as he tried to examine his surroundings, seeing if anything had collapsed or if people were screaming. 

The teen must’ve noticed his change in emotion as she continued with, “It wasn’t major or anything. The news guy said everything is fine. But you know New Yorkers, they overreact and all” She smiled nervously at him, worried that she’d used the wrong words. 

There’d been a policeman a couple of cars down and she advised everyone to get back into their cars and wait for the traffic to pick up again. So Eddie got back into his car. It took awhile for the traffic to pick up again but it did. 

His knuckles turned white, gripping the steering wheel as his mind began to race with the thought of what his wife, Myra, must be thinking right now.“She’s probably throwing a fit right now cause I’m not home” he sighed as he glanced at his phone on its stand. He noticed that it wasn’t able to connect to wifi or data. The lines must be down or something…. Shit. Eddie realized, knowing that would only make things worse. 

“Ah fuck me”, he sighed in frustriation. Only then did Eddie reluctantly release one of his hands from the steering wheel to pinch the bridge or his nose. 

Eds, at least buy me dinner first, a voice popped into Eddie’s head, but it wasn’t his. Oh no, he’d never refer to himself as that terrible nickname. Only one person ever called him that nowadays... Richie. 

I wonder what the ‘famous comedian’ Richie Trashmouth Tozier is doing. Eddie smirked at the idea. He wondered if Richie was blackout drunk, high as a bird, or jerking it in his room. That’s something Eddie had been doing a lot of lately, especially when times were tough back at his apartment with Myra. (not jerking off, thinking or Richie)

 His mind would wonder about his childhood best friend, how he was doing, what his latest comedy sketch was about (since he started writing his own stuff after the IT incident), he also worried about Richie’s bad habits. Ever since he was a teen he had a bit of a smoking problem, cigarettes and weed, and some drinking. But Eddie knew it only grew worse with time. Richie explained how he had actually been pretty clean until Mike called him, then he relapsed. Eddie knew that after the fight, after Richie got stuck in the fucking deadlights, he had been suffering from night terrors, which prompted his insomnia, which made more time for him to drink and smoke. 

 It's been a year now

Think I've figured out how

How to let you go and let communication die out

Sadly he hasn’t talked to Richie in a year, since the incident, since he left the hospital. He lived without Richie for so long, it should’ve been easy to forget about him again. But now he had old memories that weren’t there before, ones of a childhood he forgot he lived through. It’s been a year now, and Eddie has finally pushed down all of the feelings for his childhood crush. He was letting Richie go, finally able to let the communication die out. 

Eddie had been in the hospital for over a month and Richie was the only one who stayed, Bev had to go file a divorce, Ben had architect stuff to architect, Bill had a movie to finish and a wife to apologize to,  Mike had a world to see, and Stan had a vacation to take with his wife. As much as they all wanted to stay, the only reason they didn’t was that they knew Eddie was safe in Richie’s care. 

The day before Eddie officially woke up, he had been in and out of consciousness and he could hear bits and pieces of conversations, hell, sometimes he even saw flashes of the room around him. But there was one conversation that stuck out to him, the one he remembered the most. 

Richie was by his side, the only one in the room, voice low. Although he couldn’t see Richie, he could tell that he’d been crying. Richie started out by talking about some of his favourite memories with him from their childhood, from before they left Derry. The hot days at the quarry, their cuddles in the hammock, the nights Richie had nightmares (yes he had them even as a kid so that makes these current nightmares so much worse, cause he had to handle them alone) and would sneak into Eddie’s room during the late hours of the night. Those were the nights that they’d talk until Richie’s mind was at ease, about nothing yet everything all at the same time. If Richie felt better he’d head home, but most nights they’d fall asleep in each other’s arms. Richie’s mind filled with worries about falling into the same nightmare again so Eddie would hold him close to make sure Richie felt safe as sleep took him away.  

Then Richie continued to talk about how close he and Eddie had been, and how even when he moved away, and forgot, he always knew he’d been missing something. He explained how that night at the Jade of the Orient, he finally felt whole again. Eddie blacked out for a little bit afterwards, he still kicks himself for that, even though he had no control over it. But he came back just in time to hear the end of Richie’s speech. 

“Eds… I know we argue, I call you out and annoy the ever-living shit out of you, but those are the conversations I live for. You know every joke I make is just me trying to get you to laugh, right? I knew how hard it was at home for you, so I always wanted to give you the chuckles that you never got at home” Richie stopped for a moment. He let out a little chuckle himself, “That last year we had together was the best year of my fucking life. Because it was you and me against the world. A-And the day you left… Eddie I kick myself every day for not saying it back. Because I love you, so fucking much” he took a moment to collect himself. “It’s funny to think that I never realized it sooner, all of the early mornings and late nights, scalding summer days and afternoons in the  freezing winter. I loved you since the day you squished your small, cute, ass in that hammock with me. I’ve loved you since the day you skipped school to take care of me when I threw up. Fuck…. Eddie I’ve loved you since fifth grade when you gave me that stupid valentine card with the cat cause you knew I never got any. I never stopped loving you-” Eddie drifted off, unable to hear the rest of the confession. Though he couldn’t hear him, he did feel a hand lay over his, and his fingers laced together with another’s. Then he felt Richie plant an ever so soft kiss on his forehead. 

 I never told Richie that I’d overheard him, how could I? How could I just randomly admit to him that when we were cuddled up in that hammock, I felt more at home than I have in my entire life? How I suddenly felt safe when his arms wrapped around me. How my heart skipped a beat every time our skin accidentally touched. And how I secretly adored every damn stupid nickname you called me because they were something that only you and I shared. They were mine, and I was yours. How can I admit that that year, was a year I cherished until the day I forgot it, because of that fucking clown. 

After all of his memories returned to him after the incident, Eddie recalled a day he swore he could never forget, the day before he left for college. He was going to some out of state college to escape his mother, who’s grip had only gotten worse over the years. 

Richie and Eddie had started dating about a year prior. After years of silent pinning and pent up emotions, Richie finally burst and admitted his feelings for him. That year, their final year of highschool, was one for the history books. The two were inseparable, determined to spend every living second together before Eddie had to leave for college. And they did, for the most part. 

Almost every night Richie would sneak into Eddie’s room and the two would kiss and make out, then snuggle the rest of the night away. At school they always found time for each other, in between classes, secretly meeting in the bathroom, even discreetly holding hands under their desks. 

The one thing they never did was say ‘I Love you’. Both of them were subconsciously waiting until the time was right. Eddie thought the right time was the day he left for college. 

“What am I going to do without my Chee? Who’s gonna give me stupid nicknames and crawl through my window now?” Eddie hugged Richie tightly. 

“You’ll find someone, I know you will” Richie brushed the comment aside. It’s something he’d been doing for the past week or so. Whenever Eddie mentioned the future, him coming back for Christmas or Richie coming up to visit him, Richie always brushed it under the rug, never in the mood to talk about it. Eddie always assumed it was because he wanted to live in the moment and not worry about the future, but even then, he seemed distant. 

A voice rang overhead, announcing that Eddie’s flight was now boarding. 

Here goes nothing

He looked up at Richie, who’s eyes seemed sad and dark. “Richie, I want you to know that I will always love you” Eddie’s voice was quiet, almost vulnerable. 

Richie pulled away and hesitated before saying “E-Eddie, I-I don’t know if I can do this whole long distance thing. You’re so, so good, and you deserve someone who can be there for you-”.

Eddie was taken aback, suddenly disgusted by how he thought Richie would ever love him back, “Rich, what are you talking about? Just last week you said you were okay with his”.

“Yeah? Well that was last week, and this is now. I just don’t wanna hold you back from meeting new- and better people when you’re away” Richie quickly hugged Eddie, not wanting to continue the conversation as he knew the tears it’d bring. “I’m sorry” He whispered as he gave Eddie one finally look, then left. 

It was the day that changed everything for Eddie. The day he wished he could forget since it clouded his vision, kept him up at night, and distracted him from almost everything. One day he did forget it, but it all came back the day he saw Richie Tozier at the Jade of the Orient. 

Neither of them had brought up the breakup, neither did any of the other Losers. They were all aware that it was a sensitive topic and opted to keep the mood light while reliving their childhood memories. The mood wasn't worried between Richie and Eddie, but it wasn't the same either. It was as if things had gone back to when they were just friends, the constant banter and bickering.

 I know, you know, we know

You weren't down for forever and it's fine

I know, you know, we know

We weren't meant for each other and it's fine

After Eddie was released from the hospital, he had gotten on his first flight to New York and returned to Myra. He’d convinced himself that everything he heard during his coma was a dream. After so many years of internalized homophobia, it was hard to stop now. 

He’d thanked Richie for everything and insisted he was okay. He made sure Richie would head back to LA and continue his job, but he also made him promise to start writing his own material. He told Richie it’d finally convince him to go to one of his shows. Sadly he still had yet to purchase a ticket or even watch his shows on Netflix. Now, every time he saw famous comedian Richie Tozier, he could only remember the boy he’d once give the world for, the boy who didn’t love him back.

But if the world was ending

 You'd come over, right?

You'd come over and you'd stay the night

Would you love me for the hell of it?

The sky'd be falling and I'd hold you tight

And there wouldn't be a reason why

We would even have to say goodbye

If the world was ending

You'd come over, right?

Right?

Even though he forgot, Eddie always knew something was off. No matter who he was with, it never felt right. That’s because Richie Tozier had taken a piece of his heart the day he never said it back. Then the day Eddie left the hospital, he’d left an even bigger piece with the boy he still loved. 

If the world was ending

You'd come over, right?

Right?

His phone beeped, indicating that he'd received a text. 

Ben: Hey Eddie, just wanted to check in and make sure you're safe, heard about the earthquake. Bev says hi! 

It was from Ben. Eddie noticed his phone was back on data, so that text was followed by a million texts and calls from Myra. He clicked on the contact and clicked the call button. 

“Hey, Eddie!” Ben's voice sounded relieved, “How's a going, is everything okay?”. 

“Hey, yeah… I'm okay” Eddie hesitated, “Just shaken” he breathed. If he were talking to anyone else he would've just said he was okay, but Ben was a Loser, and Losers never lied. 

“Good I'm glad to he-” Ben was suddenly cut off by the sound of his wife's voice from beside him. 

“Ask if he's heard from Richie!” Bev's voice got louder as she spoke, most likely approaching from another room. 

“R-Richie? Why would I have heard from him?” Eddie tensed up, caught off guard. 

He was met with the sounds of muffled talking and someone grabbing the phone, “Hey Eddie, sorry- I was just wondering cause well, Richie was in his New York apartment for the week and we texted him to see if he was okay but he didn’t answer-” Bev explained. 

“Wait- Richie’s in New York? Really?” Eddie tried to hide the excitement in his voice but failed. 

“Y-Yeah, didn’t he tell you?” She sounded confused. 

The truth was, as much as Eddie wanted to, he never asked Richie for his number when they reunited. Neither did Richie. 

Eddie spoke before he could think through his words, “What’s his address?”, even he was shocked at the question. 

“Here, I’ll text it to you. Why- Eddie what are you scheming?” He could hear the smirk in her voice, as if she knew what he was going to do before he did it. 

“Nothing, nothing… I just wanna check in on our resident trashmouth and make sure he hasen’t fucking OD’d on Capri Sun or some shit” Eddie scoffed as the two on the other end laughed. 

If the world was ending

You'd come over, right?

Right?

After their call ended, Eddie opened google maps and typed in Richie’s address. 

~

I tried to imagine

Your reaction

It didn't scare me when the earthquake happened

 Famous comedian Richie Tozier was indeed drinking Capri Sun, though he hadn't reached the point of overdosing, he could tell his taste buds were in the midst of destruction, as he’d just finished his fourth Capri Sun. Which is about 3 more than he should’ve had. 

Richie only noticed the ground shaking after it had happened. He knew that if you were inside during an earthquake you were supposed to get outside as soon as possible, but it was so quick, should I go? He thought before sitting up from his couch and shuffled towards the door. 

He glanced out into the hallway of his apartment floor and noticed some of his neighbours doing the same. He gave them a nod before one of the managers came through the door that led to the stairs. He advised everyone to stay inside as it was only a minor earthquake and there was no reason to leave. 

Instead of reclaiming the spot on his couch, Richie went and took a seat on his balcony. This is something that he’s been doing more as the weather got warmer. He had put a chair out there, so when he got comfortable he propped his feet up on the railing and took in the skyline. 

He couldn’t help but think what his hypochondriac, asthmatic, piece of pasta, was up to right now. 

That idiot is probably losing his shit over the earthquake. 

Richie chuckled to himself as he recalled how he was always prepared for something like this. Even in his younger years, his fanny pack was always equipped with the supplies to handle anything, from scraped knees, to runny noses. It was one of the many things he loved about Eddie… Yes, love. 

The thought prompted Richie to run his hand over his face. He then removed his glasses and pressed the palms of his hands onto his closed eyes. His eyes started to tear up as he re-lived an old memory he once forgot.

But it really got me thinkin'

That night we went drinkin'

Stumbled in the house

And didn't make it past the kitchen

They’d been dating for just over a month now. Things were still exciting, still new. Something neither of them had experienced before. To say that they tried to spend every moment together was an understatement. Because once their feelings were out in the open, they hadn't been able to get off of eachother. They were always touching in one way or another. Whether it was holding hands, Richie having his arm draped over Eddie or Eddie having his arm around Richie’s waist. 

It was one of the rare occasions where Sonia Kaspbrak had left town for the weekend, out to go visit family, and she hadn't taken Eddie with her, like usual. So Richie and Eddie had the Kaspbrak residence all to themselves. Sure they spent the first half of the night drinking cheap beer with the other Losers at the Quarry, but after they got home they had their most memorable make out sessions to date. 

They’d just entered the house and Richie had already picked up Eddie. Their kisses become more intense as the space between their bodies vanished. The smaller boy wrapped his arms around the taller's neck and his legs around his waist, hugging him like a koala. The curly haired teen had his hands positioned on the other’s ass, he gave it a little squeeze before he set him down on the kitchen counter. 

Once Eddie’s butt had gone numb, Richie’s legs got tired, and both their lips grew raw, Eddie hopped off the counter and grabbed Richie’s hand. He pulled his smitten boyfriend up the stairs and to his room. That’s where they continued their heated make out session, except it wasn't ass intense. Their kisses were still passionate, but almost tired, it was late after all.

Richie pulled his shirt over his head, Eddie began kissing his neck, his chest, anywhere he could reach. Richie had snaked his right hand up Eddie’s shirt, so it pressed up against Eddie’s back, the touch sent shivers down Eddie’s spine. 

“May I?” Richie requested, which was something he did a lot when they were in bed together. He always asked before he did things. Sure they were both inexperienced horny teens, but Richie always wanted to make sure that Eddie was comfortable with anything they did. 

“Do it- Rich I’m all yours” Eddie said in between kisses. He felt Richie grabbed a handful of his shirt, that’s when he reluctantly sat up. Which allowed Richie to gracefully pull the shirt up and over Eddie’s head. Their chests were pressed together, skin on skin. It sent fireworks exploding in both of their chests. 

The kisses soon grew lazy, and they both opted to lay in eachothers arms. Cuddled as close together as humanly possible. Their pants had come off, leaving the teens in their boxers. So their bare legs were tangled together as Eddie’s head laid against Richie’s chest, he hummed happily to the sound of Richie’s speedy heartbeat. Richie’s head sat comfortably on top of Eddie’s, one of his hands laced together with his boyfriend’s while the other was carefully brushing out Eddie’s soft brown curls.

Neither of them wanted to be anywhere else. If they could’ve lived in that moment forever, they would have.

 Ah, it's been a year now

Think I've figured out how

How to think about you without it rippin' my heart out

 Up until the day Richie’s memories were taken without his permission, about a year after he left Derry to try the whole ‘comedian’ thing, he had regretted not saying it back to Eddie. He doesn't know what came over him on the day the love of his life left. It was just something about not being able to see him everyday, not being able to hold his hand when he got nervous or climb through his window when he had a nightmare, that scared him. He worried that without that physical touch, he wouldn’t be able to hold onto the Eddie he once was. Practically convincing himself that once Eddie found someone he could actually be with, he’d dump Richie. 

So the Trashmouth decided to end things before he could get his heart broken. Little did he know that his heart would still beat for Eddie Kaspbrak up until the day that that name held no meaning to him anymore.

When he saw Eddie again, after 27 years, it was as if nothing had changed. The subtle glances, the twist of his stomach when his hand brushed against Eddie’s, the way he couldn’t think about anything else, and the way his heart ached for a love that they once shared. 

Richie, worried about messing things up again, he waited for Eddie to make the first move. Unsure if they were anything more than friends, Richie kept it that way, just friends. Eddie never did bring anything up. Not at the Jade of the Orient, not when he almost died, and not when he left the hospital. Sure it felt like he ripped Richie’s heart out of his chest, tore it in half, then shoved it back in, but he knew it was for the best. Afterall, Eddie had moved on, married a woman, and started a life without him. It killed him to see, but it wasn't his place to go and ruin what Eddie had worked so hard to build. 

It’s been a year now. A year since he’s seen Eddie. A year of staring at his phone, threatening to click the call button and finally hear his voice again, a year of writing texts that’d never be sent, a year of going between LA and New York in hopes of randomly bumping into Eddie at some coffee shop. But it’s been a year, and Richie is finally able to think about Eddie without it feeling like his heart is being ripped out of his chest. It’s progress. 

 But if the world was ending

You'd come over, right?

A doorbell ripped Richie from the memory he was reliving. Suddenly aware of the tears on his cheeks and his shaking hands. Fuck, he mentally cursed. He checked his reflection in the camera of his phone. Who the hell is at my door at, he checked the time, 6:00 pm, what the fuck?. He gave his eyes one more wip before he reached for the doorknob, he didn’t care if the mailman saw him with red puffy eyes and wet cheeks, Bob had seen him in the worst conditions. 

His heart momentarily stopped at the familiar sight of Eddie James Kaspbrak who stood in the hallway of his apartment building. Suddenly the phrase, A sight for sore eyes, became so clear to him, because his sore eyes suddenly became soft at the sight of the boy who once brought him so much joy.

“Eddie…” Richie breathed, his mind unable to properly phrase sentences. 

“Richie, a-are you okay?” Eddie’s voice was laced with concern, worried that he’d just walked in on something. 

Richie had done something he grew too comfortable with, “Me? Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, never not fine, am I right?” He joked. 

Eddie’s brow scrunched ever so slightly, unaware of what to do. “Right… Sorry to show up out of the blue. Just wanted to check in and make sure you were okay, you know with the whole earthquake and all” He changed his tone, to sound more comforting.

“Oh…” Something broke inside of Richie. Of course he was only here because of the fucking earthquake. It’s not like he has any other reason to come see the boy who fucking left him at the airport- “I’m A okay, thanks for checking in Eds” Richie assured with a wink. He made sure his voice sounded extra chipper, afraid that he’d somehow allow Eddie to see how close he was to breaking. 

Eddie huffed, almost as if he was amused, “Don’t call me that” he shook his head jokingly. Of course there was more he wanted to say, 27 years of thoughts and emotions that’d went unsaid, but he kept it that way. “Well you seem to be doing fine, so I guess I’ll leave you be- see you around Trashmouth”.

The nickname sent memories flashing through both of their minds, the arguments they had at school when they threw that nickname at him, Beeping Richie whenever his motormouth wouldn’t slow down. Maybe under different circumstances, they would’ve shared a laugh. Talked about the good old days over a coffee on Richie’s balcony and maybe even open up the Pandora's box that was their relationship. Instead, Eddie gave Richie a small wave, and turned to make his way towards the elevator. 

Eddie let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding it, suddenly tense with regret. There was so much more he wanted to say, but it was too late. 

Richie closed the door and leaned his forehead against the cool wood. I can’t believe I fucked this up again. Just like always. Leave it up to good ol’ trashmouth to ruin the best fucking thing that’s ever happened to him.... Suddenly Eddie’s words rang out through his head, so loud and earth shattering it almost caused his eyes to tear up again. I Love You. 

“I Love you too Eddie…” Richie said to himself. Then it dawned on him. “I love you” he repeated. 

His hand reached out the door handle and he hastily opened the door to his apartment. He took a step out of his apartment and saw Eddie waiting for the elevator. Richie wasted no time, he was 27 years late after all. 

“I love you” He shouted to the man down the hall from him. 

Eddie’s eyes looked up to meet Richie’s, big and tear filled, with a sliver of hope inside of his iriss. 

Richie talked as he ran to him. “I love you. Edward fucking Kaspbrak. And I’ve kicked myself every goodman day of my life for not saying it back to you because I, love you”. Now he was in front of Eddie, spilling his heart out, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I always knew I loved you, since the day you kissed my scraped knee in fourth grade. It just took me 27 fucking years to relaize I can’t live without you… My little piece of spaghetti'' The last line got a huff from Eddie. 

“Really know how to ruin a moment, don’t you Rich?” He asked, but his voice held no anger, only pure and utter joy. 

Richie disregarded the comment and continued, “I know you’re married and I am 27 years late, but fuck, I had to tell you before I fucking imploded. Because I love you.” 

Eddie stood there for a moment, as if he was soon going to be woken up from this dream. Then he finally mustered the power to speak, “I love you too Richie”. Eddie couldn’t help himself, he’d been waiting 27 years. He took a couple steps, closing the distance between the two, he placed his hand on the back of Richie’s neck, pulled him down and kissed him. 

Richie hesitated for a split second before returning the kiss. Then it was just like they were kids again, fireworks exploded through their bodies as their hearts began to beat together.

You'd come over and you'd stay the night

Would you love me for the hell of it?

All our fears would be irrelevant

“I love you” Richie couldn’t stop saying it, as if he was trying to make up for all the time he hadn't been saying it. He said it when they pulled away from their kiss, when he led Eddie back into his apartment, and plenty of times while they made out on Richie’s bed. 

If the world was ending

You'd come over, right?

The sky'd be falling while I'd hold you tight

No, there wouldn't be a reason why

We would even have to say goodbye

It was midnight, only then did they begin to calm down off of the high they’d been riding. As if the years of crushing and pinning had built up, and finally they’d been able to get what they craved. 

Richie laid on his back, with Eddie’s head resting on his chest, with one hand over Richie’s heart while the other was laced together with the other’s. 

“I love you” he repeated again, meaning every word he said. 

“I love you too” Eddie said. His heart beat in his chest, his entire heart. No missing or lost pieces, because he’d found Richie again, and all of the pieces were finally put back into place. 

If the world was ending

You'd come over, right?

“I don’t care what happens now” Eddie said, he looked up to meet Richie’s gaze. “The marriage can be dealt with. Hell, I don’t even care where we end up, here, LA, anywhere, as long as I’m with you” For the first time in a long time, Eddie felt hope. He was excited for what the future held, because he wasn't alone anymore. 

You'd come over, right?

You'd come over, you'd come over, you'd come over, right?

“We’ll make it work” Richie kissed Eddie’s forehead, “We always do”.

If the world was ending

You'd come over, right?

Word Count: 5350

I hope you guys enjoyed the one shot! I had a lot of fun writing it.

If you've got any songs you want me to turn into a one shot then comment down below!

Until next time

So Long and Goodnight

[Taglist]

@richietoaster @s-onora @that-weird-girl-blog @beproudtozier

Hi, could you tell me more about your autism and diagnosis and how you deal with it, how old you were diagnosed

I don't know a lot about my autism, tbh, as I never bothered to read up on it and I was never properly informed on it. But what I do know is that I learned slowly as a kid, learned to walk at age 3, was very clumsy (like medically abnormally clumsy physically, could barely run at all and couldn't climb, etc) required special treatment to learn how to eat as a toddler because I hated the sensory experience of solid food and chewing, I was incapable of understanding sarcasm, interpreted everything literally, I was stimming a lot, had monotone body language and speech, etc. I was very obviously "different" according to my parents already from around age 1 or 2, and required literally constant attention for the first 4 years of my life. Started daycare at age 4, in small groups.

Then as I started school at age 6, apparently the school nurse had told my parents that I'm probably autistic, so I consider that my "inofficial diagnosis" but they decided to ignore that and didn't tell me (until 10 years later.) I was bullied in school for being "the weird kid" by both classmates and teachers who thought I was a retard and annoying, basically, I guess. I was called a freak and weirdo a lot. But like I was proudly a weirdo, and resented normativity.

As I got up into ages 10-12 my depression and DID symptoms (alter) kinda took over and became more prominent than my autism symptoms, as I wasn't as physically clumsy anymore and started learning social cues. My mental health continued to decline over the next few years, until I sought out therapy on my own at age 16. It led me to doing my first few suicide attempts, which led me to ending up at a closed psychiatric ward.

While staying there for a few weeks, I got evaluated for autism (without knowing that's what I was tested for) as well as a few physical things, such as my hearing impairment and chronic headache. And those tests led to an official Asperger Syndrome diagnosis, when I was 16, by the very end of year 2005. I also got diagnosed with borderline psychosis and mild depression, and got pumped full of anti-depressants and anti-psychotic (neuroleptic) drugs. Then my mom finally told me that she basically always knew about my autism, and I was really pissed at her for not having told me before. I resented my autism diagnosis right from the start, and the older I got, the more I resented it. Never identified with it, only ever saw it as a huge burden.

Then throughout the rest of my teens, I went to a school for neurodivergent people (basically upper high school) but still flunked it. I was a complete and utter mess, and got little to no actual therapy. They just kept shoving me around from one psychiatric department to another, due to my comorbid issues, no one could help me, it seemed. Every once in a while I'd make another half assed suicide attempt to make them take me seriously, which only worked for a few months at a time. In total, I've made 19 suicide attemps over 12 years. Oh lord, psychiatry was so bad!

Adulthood came along and I got benefitted with sickness compensation, and got my first apartment at age 20. It didn't go great. I accidentally flooded it and had to move out, and didn't manage to keep it clean or anything while I lived there. I was barely functional and alcoholic, constantly self-harming, just to try to manage attending school. Despite getting help from caretakers offered by the state (?) weekly, I was really dysfunctional. I switched apartments several times, and kept flunking school while trying to live my miserable life, always hanging by a thread. Until I moved back to my parents at age 23. They had moved to a miserable island far away from all my friends. Got an apartment on that island close to my parents, but my issues continued being the same level of awful, up until about age 27.

What this has to do with my autism is that... uh, I basically understand it as that it impedes on my executive function really dramatically, and like although I can physically do pretty much anything, mentally I just somehow can't. Especially repeatedly, and often enough. Like I can't keep any routine for the life of me, not even simple shit like sleep cycle, eating habits, brushing my teeth, etc. Let alone school or a job, or even hobbies. Everything is infrequent and too seldom, if at all. So everything in my life keeps falling apart as I basically have no foundation to stand on, and I get sensory overload suuuuper easily. So like just going shopping/cleaning/laundry/hobbies/school/anything for half an hour can drain me significantly and make me incapable of managing doing anything else for the rest of that entire day. It's very hard for me to explain, but it's like I only ever have 3 spoons per day, but most things requitre 10+ spoons, so I go backwards on my energy resources a lot and end up having to rest for DAYS after just one hour's activity.

At age 27 I ditched the social service caretakers, as they were seriously depriving me of my privacy while being largely unhelpful, and I began to finally try to pull myself together. I still get a lot of help from my mom, with anything from paying my bills and grocery shopping, to driving me places and dealing with soul-sucking authorities for me. This takes off a lot of the burden and allows me to manage doing at least a few things on my own, like working out, cleaning (yay I manage keeping my apartment clean nowadays!), laundry, occasional shopping, art projects, online socialising, etc. I still go to therapy biweekly but it's still largely unhelpful. At least I managed to make them stop tossing me around between departments like a football though, and I'm still gonna try to get some proper trauma therapy, and maybe also look into that adhd group I was promised last year, if it'll ever resume again post-corona...

I've still never had a job in my life and still have incomplete grades. But I got permanent sickness compensation now, so that's neat. At least I don't have to worry financially. I'm also trying to get started with some "work training" stuff which is basically "pretend work" for people who can't work, just to have something to do. I'll most likely be granted acces to that. However, it seems irony is that most of those are located out in the middle of nowhere where no buses go, and I can't afford a fucking car or driver's licence because I can't work. Mom probably won't drive me several times a week for that. Fucking fantastic. Makes me almost wanna kill someone... argh! Those little things really piss me off.

Life is absolutely not going the way I want and I blame my autism for it, mostly. I am drowning in frustration, and my anger issues making me scream my lungs out in pure despair, shows that. I'm considered offically disabled due to my autism, and it just fucking sucks ass. How lonely, under-stimulated yet easily over-stimulated, bored, meaningless and unfulfilled my life is. There are far more severely autistic people out there who somehow manage to live far more functional lives, and I'm jealous of that. I dunno how to break free from this misery. It feels like the only thing I've ever managed to accomplish in life is transitioning genders, and making art that I don't wanna sell. I wanna have a "normal" job, a car and driver's licence, I wanna have cats and a social life, I want parties at night clubs again, I want hobbies outside of my home; hookups, friends and lovers; I want to be able to have a functional romantic life with someone I can marry and start a family with.

But is any of that ever gonna happen? I hope so, but it feels bleak. Because my autism feels like such a huge burden on my life, and a huge hindrence to my dreams and goals... like I'm over 30 already and still a disabled and having my mom living half my life for me, miserable mess and not given any useful therapy, I'm left to my own vices to figure out how to adult... Because of all that, I hate my autism and I wish there was a cure, I swear to fuck. So for your question, how I deal with it: not fantastically. Not sure if you wanted a relay of my entire life, but I hope that’s okay! Didn’t know how else to answer your questions.

🦄 awhh kid, ive been busy with school (it's my last sem, i graduate in may) so ive been busy. i will say cm makes good bg noise to do hw to.

this is me being a lil shit and cuz im not in the fandom but like penelope? best character overall, except for the garcia thing. it was a haha joke that aged poorly. they could've just hired a white latina or changed her name but then again they also made elle half-cuban when the actor is white. then tara. then morgan. luke. matt. jj. emily. blake. at least hotch is better than rossi ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ bc rossi is racist and i know we skirt around that issue but like dude... you can't pee on a black classmate and then deny you're racist (and i know he isn't malicious and they try to fix with him marrying a black husband but like. cm loves to just ignore all their problems with their character. actually.. hotch is only better bc he barely has a personality so i can just pretend he doesn't have racist tendencies.. but also he did grow up in the south... and we live in a society..)

fuck i forgot about spencer... he's annoying ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe white nerdboy with no personality was revolutionary back when it was airing but man.. it's so overdone nowadays and as a woc.. i don't find the appeal. also like, penelope does the whole genius thing better and she isn't even half as annoying. but still better than rossi!

also id like to clarify that my ranking above is strictly just in-show content like obvs rossi is written better in fanfics just like about every character is written better

also can i just say. what is up with cm's intense hatred of women??? like haley died and and emily sort of died and maeve died and strauss died. like.. wtf?? beth disappears and we only find out in a throwaway line after an entire ep was dedicated to her growing relationship with hotch! also apparently jessica doesn't have a life outside of jack's nanny.

also like.. food for thought but it does make me hmm 🤔 that the writing got so much worst and ppl stopped watching cm after it got so much more diverse. and that it suddenly became the reid show after cm got so much diverse. just putting it out there ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Oh I love being called kid it makes me feel like there’s more time!

Ooh exciting!! Graduation!!

Honestly, the way I agree with all of this. I understand that Criminal Minds came out in a “different time” but some of the stunts they pulled...

See, as an Asian person, the racism is different. So I don’t know what would have been better: if they had Rossi admit what he did and dealt with the fall-out or if they just hadn’t written it in at all.

Oh I know. It’s in moments like that where I’m glad they didn’t give Hotch a personality- although it would’ve been nice to see him and Emily talk when she realised why he didn’t trust her- because then I can carry on believing he’s a half decent person.

I’m pretty neutral towards canon Spencer. I’m like: cool you’re a genius and you know all this stuff. I like Penny a lot more though and there are times where I’m like: Writers please this is a crime show have character development but I do not need their entire childhood to be shown...

Yeah, I think somewhere along the line the writers gave up on the characters, which in some ways makes sense because crime show, but like... the crimes did not get more interesting or unique either soo... if I want good writing I turn to fics.

But even then, there’s so much demonising of Hotch and unnecessary Hotch and Morgan bashing that I’m like: UGGHHHH.

GENUINELY! There was no reason for Haley to be treated like crap for leaving a marriage she was unhappy in and her death reeked of misogyny. I think Emily dying was to do with an issue with the network or something like that... Maeve dying had something to do with Spencer’s actor apparently... Strauss’ death was unnecessary as well! And it felt very tasteless too.

Okay so Beth. I liked Beth. Beth was good. I haven’t gotten to the episode where they break up but I know it happens. My issue is this: Hotch didn’t need to get into a relationship after Haley to prove he had moved on, because it’s almost like they’re saying Jessica cannot act as a mother to Jack and also that he won’t be complete 

THIS IS THE THING! I have given up on good Muslim representation so now I’m like: Okay let me find things that represent other minorities well. And I really want to watch the later seasons. Like I really want to know all about Tara and Matt and Luke because they seem really cool.

However. I’m watching season 10 really slowly, just because I am, and I know that Reid goes to prison in season 12 because of Cat Adams- who seems like a really annoying unsub I’m so sorry- so I’m like: Hmm.... am I going to fast forward all of that because I really don’t care?? Probably! 

Alpha/Omega/Beta Headcanons|MHA Headcanons

Letting you know now I pretty much headcanon everyone as an alpha, most of the characters in MHA are strong and brave, which meet the qualifications I have for alphas. Also, males are more likely to be alphas than omegas. Which is why they are all alphas here. Females are more likely to be Omega/Betas, etc... (Also The majority goes as follows. A-B-O. Alphas and Betas are more prevalent than Omegas. (At least the way I headcanon it! :3))

This "-" is what their scent is like!

Enjoy! ~Momma Cat

❤️💞❤️💞

Midoriya: I like to think that he was a Beta before he received One for All. Almost like getting a quirk triggered his same gene that dictates his scent and presentation. So he switched to an alpha presentation. (I'm not too firm on that one tho.) He'd probably end up with an omega he saved.

-Lavender, spice and peaches.

Bakugou: The second he presented as an alpha, he tells everyone. He puffs out his chest and struts around like the proud fucking peacock he is. He probably tried to sniff out any presenting omegas, so he could try to scent them and claim dominance. (He fails)

-Smoke, cologne and sweat.

Kirishima: Such a sweet alpha. Literally what most omegas dream for in alphas. When he presented he probably was surprised since he was initially thought to be a beta. Turns out he was only a late bloomer. Omegas practically flock to this poor man. He will either end up with a beta or omega. He doesn't judge.

-Ginger, pine and coffee

Todoroki: He is an alpha, though he isn't to happy to be one. He had been wanting to be omega, so as to not play further into his father's plans, but that didn't appear to be in the cards for him. Unfortunately...

I also headcanon that his scent is very strong and attracts alot of omegas. He may end up getting together with anyone. No matter the rank. He would doesn't really care what his Father thinks of you.

-Citrus, smoke and honey

Shinsou: Since he is so laid back and relaxed, people often think that he's a beta. In reality his scent is rather mild compared to most alpha scents. At first he hated this part of himself, but after studying under Eraserhead, he learned that this could actually be a real asset to him. In example, he can sneak around hideouts and hotspots without anyone knowing he's there. He's rather picky when it comes to people he hangs around, so someone with a relaxed and soft scent is ideal. (Omega)

- Mint, cotton and vanilla

Aizawa: He is pretty much in the same boat as Shinsou. He's an alpha, yes, but one with a lighter and less intense scent. It's helpful on low profile missions, but not so much when attracting a mate. He pretty much stopped trying a long time ago. He also figured his life was too dangerous for an omega nowadays anyways.

-Chocolate, cologne and freshly washed clothes.

Toshinori: (1# hero? More like 1# Daddy) I hereby headcanon that he smells SLIGHTLY different and his scent is weaker in his smaller form. Everything is enhanced as All Might. Which helps to explain why no one realizes that they are one and the same alpha! I also think that he has had several omegas in mind in the past, but all of the relationships fell through.

- Cookies, cologne and spices

Endeavor: Alpha male. ALERT alpha male. ALERT. Y'all know I like him so don't look at me that way! (If you didn't like him you would have scrolled past so I'm assuming you are someone who indeed likes him, so I'm gonna throw out that he is suuuch a daddy. 💦💦 Can I get an amen?) Anyways. So, Yeah, Enji is an alpha. He knew he was meant to be an alpha, even when he was younger. I'm sure like 70% of his fanbase is made up of thirsty hoes. (Like me)

- Smoke, cologne, hickory

Muscular: (Ah Yes, my third alpha Daddy. LOL) Alpha male, blah blah blah, he's a hottie, even when missing an eye. His scent is strong like most alphas, and he doesn't usually have a hard time finding omegas to partner with every once in a while. He has no qualms about what status his partners are, be they omega, alpha, or beta. Although that's typically looked down upon.

-Musk, rosewood and lemongrass

Iida: One LITERAL by-the-book alpha. He is strong, has a hefty thick scent, is a gentleman, is respectful to his elders and incredibly fast. He is a hero and a leader; both incredibly sought after traits in alphas nowadays. He isn't currently looking for an omega or beta to partner with, but is willing to become friends with one if they catch his interest.

-Coffee, Lime and soap

Ojiro: A rather calm alpha compared to most in his class. I like to think that there is a particular omega civilian that he has interest in. He's probably pretty particular with how he smells to others; he probably takes baths alot.

- Shampoo, patchouli and oranges

Shouji: Oh! My many armed boi! Once again, you guessed it, alpha! His scent is rather powerful like most alphas, and he would probably have no problem finding a mate. I like to think that some of the other alphas go to him for advice on how to talk to omegas, since he never seems to have an issue being around them.

-Rosewood, musk and frankincence

Kaminari: He strikes me as a beta, but I could also see him as a weaker/ditzy alpha. I can totally imagine him getting frustrated that omegas aren't really into him, and would rather date someone like Iida. He'll probably end up with a beta.

-no scent

Tokoyami: He is... The night. Lol jk. I was going to say beta, but I changed my mind since his quirk was so powerful. He probably gets super nervous around omegas, especially the cute ones. All they have to do is look over at him and smile, poor bird boi doesn't know what to do with himself. He has trouble with talking to them, but is too prideful to ask for advice.

-Jasmine, cedar and vanilla

Sero: A relaxed, and chill beta. Yup. I can't really see him as an alpha. He exudes a rather playful and fun personality rather than a strong leader. At least to me. Despite this, a decent amount of omegas are still interested due to his charms.

-no scent

Koda: I was going to make him an Omega, but a shy beta seemed better. Yes, he's not a confident person, but I can't see him being an omega. I like to think that he knows he acts omega-like, but he can't really help it. He probably appreciates his lack of a scent for multiple reasons.

- no scent

Sato: Ahhh! Alpha! I decree it! (Also there aren't enough fanfics for the sugaboi) He probably has a strong scent, but omegas are usually hesitant to be around him due to his threatening smell. He's rather irritated that he smells that way even though he's a really nice alpha. Thankfully, when he bakes, the scent of cookies and such will stick to him, which makes him less threatening smelling to omegas.

- Chocolate, pumpkin and spice

Jiro: I can never ever see her as an omega. She doesn't strike me as an alpha either, so I went with beta instead. She probably gets annoyed at how much better alphas say they are, but fail to follow through. I think Jiro prefers to date an omega, but with some cruel twist of fate ends up with an alpha.

-no scent

Mineta: Beta. Ends up with no one. (Dies)

- no scent

Momo: Alpha Girllllllllll. Honestly alot of omegas like her. She exudes a motherly type of atmosphere, and even though her confidence needs work, the omegas fawn over her alot. She makes all the other alphas jealous even though she doesn't try. They are constantly trying to prove themselves better than her, and if she loses, the omegas will console her.

-Vanilla, apples and black licorice

Aoyama: I was gonna say alpha but, he's too fabulous for that lol. Probably a beta but I could see it if someone thought he should be an alpha. He probably thinks he's VERY attractive to omegas/betas when in reality...... Not so much.

- no scent

Hagakure: Hurray! An omega, FINALLY! This girl is omega 110%. She knows it, her teachers know it, the fucking cats outside know it, and her class knows it. She fully accepts it too. She is also exited to be one of the few Omega Heroes.

-Lavender, Shea and caramel

Dabi: C'mon. We all know this guys an Alpha. Like, is there even a debate about it? Sure he may not be the strongest alpha out there, nor the most handsome or cunning or have a great scent... But he is one.

-Smoke, cypress and Perubalsam

Shigaraki: He's an alpha, but he doesn't act like one. He acts more like a pup than an alpha. His scent probably smells intimidating to all omega's except 'the one'. (Which will be the reader, when I write a oneshot for him. :3) I think he probably dislikes most omega scents anyway.

-Musk, Sweat and ginger

Twice: Alpha because I fucking say so. (All the hot Bois will be alphas. >:D) He probably has an amazing scent, and attracts a decent amount of omegas. I headcanon that he is rather shy around omegas. Until he finds a cute omega hero that catches his interest. Fortunately for Jin, she likes his scent too.

-Citrus, hay and cinnamon

Mirio: NO ONE CAN TELL ME THIS BOI ISNT AN ALPHA. Y'all should know I headcanon him as an alpha. (I really need to work on that Alpha! Mirio story.) He is an EXTREMELY popular alpha for omegas to swoon over. Like All Might honestly. He's everything alphas try to be. His sweet temper and heroism make him a popular love interest for all the rankings.

-Blue Cypress, myrrh and pepper cloves

Asui: Beta through and through. She definitely uses her beta role to calm down situations alot. And she probably doesn't care which rank her partner has. She'll probably end up with an Omega due to her calming effect.

- no scent

Mina: I can see her as all of them really. A laid back alpha, a happy go lucky beta, or an excitable omega. So I guess I'll go with beta. She's really active, so she may end up with an alpha who can keep up with her energy.

- no scent

Present mic: Hizashi knows omegas and betas like his scent, so he doesn't understand why omegas get scared when around him. (Poor bby) He probably has trouble finding a mate that can stand his energy and intensity. Ironically he loves shy omegas.

-Red Grapefruit, honey and Clary sage

Midnight: I was gonna say beta, but we all know she's not. What's the use in trying, eh? Omegas, betas, and even alphas fawn all over her. She has probably paired up with all of the rankings at one point, but she's still looking for the perfect little omega to fall in love with. ❤️

-Nutmeg, Maple and roses

Tamaki: He has the undertones of an alpha and no one can change my mind. He is constantly confused with being an omega or beta because of his demeanor, but he has no idea how to change it. Probably has a crush on a the happy-go-lucky omega across the street. She probably is the one to ask him out.

-Strawberries, popcorn and Almonds

Uraraka: I think she's an omega, but her scent isn't as nice as some other omegas. She only notices this because of a fellow omega trying to become a omega hero like her. She notices how nice the omega scent is and gets an instant crush. (Squeals)

-Mint, candy and cranberries

Toga: She's an utterly insane omega. She will literally nest anywhere and everywhere. Rooftop? Nice breeze! Her gruesome murder scene? She loves the smell! In the cabinets? It's so comfy! Her alpha crush's closet? She likes being close to him!

- blood, copper and apples

Kurogiri: Poor guy is just an alpha in a sea of hormonal alpha/omega teenagers. He (like most alphas) prefers an omega. Preferably one with a calm disposition. He has trouble finding an omega that isn't intimated though.

- Spices, Musk and soap

Facts Tag;

I was tagged by @twistedsimblr, thanks babe 💙 I don’t know how many facts I’m supposed to post, but I’ll at least try to get to ten if not seventeen like Meg did 👍

I’m 100% Canadian, when people ask me ‘oh, what’s your background?’ and I say Canadian, they’re like; ‘no, but like, what are you?’ And I’m just like... Canadian. My mother is a First Nation Indian, and my father’s family is from Newfoundland. I’m so Canadian, I could possibly bleed maple syrup lol.

I’m 33, I know right!? I can feel myself withering up and dying as we speak ⚰️

I curse too much, I know, but I personally think that it’s a good way to weed out the types of people who really won’t get along with me.

I still live at home with my parents, super lame right? I know, I’m hoping to move out eventually but I’ve not been deemed mentally competent or safe to live on my own. While that sounds super harsh, it just means that I’ve a history of suicide attempts, dissociating, panic attacks, depressive episodes and traumatic flashbacks that makes me living on my own dangerous to myself and others.

Continuing on that vein, I’ve had agoraphobia since early childhood, which has made living day to day a real pain. The longest I spent in the house without going outside was 5 years, crazy right!?

I have 4 cats and one dog, although my mother’s chihuahua seems to think she’s mine and follows me around everywhere.

I haven’t been as interested in posting Sims stuff since the Tumblr content purge, it just annoys me when my own content is being policed by people who don’t know the first thing about what they’re doing. It’s sort of taken the fun out of the game a bit, which sucks. Cause I take a bunch of pictures without really thinking about it and then when I go to edit them to post I just think; what’s the point? Even if the posts are SFW they still might get flagged.

I have a giant pink unicorn on my bed, his name is Gaston and he is gay. He’s married to my niece’s giant teddy bear, named Jeremiah. (yes, we’re insane)

I watch an honestly disgusting amount of YouTube content on a daily basis, really, just hours of the stuff.

I have a slight obsessional disorder, which causes me to swing wildly from one hobby to another. My current focus is on crocheting, but it will no doubt shift eventually.

I actually like the taste of water and think different waters taste different ways, my favorite type is spring water and my least favourite is distilled.

I’m afraid of kitchen appliances, literally, it’s basically a phobia.

I want to get my nail technician licence and the school I want to go to for it is in British Colombia, which is four Provence’s away from where I live and therefore am not allowed to go there. Hopefully one day.

I don’t have a lot of things most people assume everyone nowadays has, like cable tv, a cellphone plan, a printer, a car or a passport. People are usually shocked to find that out.

My hair hasn’t been my natural color in about 20 years.

When I’m online, I use American spelling just to keep people from telling me that I’m spelling things wrong because in Canada we use British spelling.

I used to use the identifier of ‘gay’ and sometimes still do, because I don’t like the stigma that surrounds the word ‘bisexual’, although I’m slowly getting over that.

My favorite holiday is Halloween and my least favorite is Christmas.

I’m terrified of mascot costumes, have been since I was a toddler, which means yes, I am afraid of furries technically.

My best friend, has been and always will be, my mother. We’re like an extension of one another, she’s probably the only person in the world that I will never get tired of. She and I haven’t even gotten into a proper argument in about 12 years.

Well, there we go, twenty facts. I couldn’t stop at seventeen, I have this weird thing about only stopping on numbers that are part of the 5 times table... it’s fucking weird, I know. Anyways, I’m not sure who’s done this and who hasn’t so I’m just gonna say to any and all of my followers -

Attack of the Puppet People

This is the other movie Bert I. Gordon namedropped in Earth vs the Spider.  The screenplay was by John Worthing Yates, a guy who has a name that sounds like a Byronic poet but mostly wrote giant bug movies.  It stars June Kenney from that movie and Bloodlust!, John Hoyt from Lost Continent and The Time Travellers, and yep, John Agar.  The title is pretty much a lie, too – unless it refers to Agar tearing the head off a marionette.

Dolls Incorporated is a small toy company in Los Angeles.  The owner, Mr. Franz, needs a new secretary and hires Sally Reynolds, who is fresh out of college and has no family – an interesting choice, especially when we discover his previous secretary has vanished without a trace.  Sally soon notices that Mr. Franz has a weird habit of treating his dolls like real people, and comes to worry about his mental health.  When a salesman, Bob Wesley, asks her to marry him she is more than happy to leave the unnerving Mr. Franz behind, but Mr. Franz does not intend to let her.  With some technobabble and a contraption made out of photography equipment, he shrinks both Bob and Sally down to Barbie size to join his collection of human dolls! Somehow they must make their way back up to his office in order to un-shrink themselves, but it’s a very long way when you’re only a foot tall.

(The point of including clips from The Amazing Colossal Man, by the way, appears to have been a ham-fisted bit of foreshadowing with the line I’m not growing – you’re shrinking!  Which… okay, sure, if that made everybody feel better about the shameless self-promotion.)

The movie was made very quickly in order to capitalize on The Incredible Shrinking Man and I have to say, it puts significant effort into not being merely a ripoff. It’s not nearly as ambitious as its model in terms of special effects, but it has much more plot, being an actual story rather than a psychological study, although it does some of that, too.  I suspect that this was an idea that either Gordon or Yates had sitting around anyway and they welcomed the excuse to put it into production.

In terms of its story, this is actually one of Bert I. Gordon’s better efforts.  Like The Amazing Colossal Man, it tries to explore character a little rather than just being a monster rampage, and the character it’s interested in is Mr. Franz’.  He’s a deeply lonely man who feels everybody he cares about abandons him – starting with his wife, who ran off with a boyfriend long ago – and therefore goes to great lengths to keep them.  This obsession has grown worse and worse, until now people he’s only known a few weeks are subject to his captivity.  When he believes the police are on to him, he decides to commit suicide and take all his prisoners with him, because even in death he cannot bear to leave them behind.

The movie does occasionally waste our time, as in the sequence where one of the human dolls is commanded to sing, but not very often. Things like the tiny cat, or Sally’s efforts to go to the police, seem like sidelines but later turn out to be quite important.  My favourite part is when Franz is forced to leave his little people unsupervised when a friend drops in on him with a lengthy story to tell – he knows he can’t leave them alone for too long but he also doesn’t want to be rude to his buddy, so he keeps trying to make excuses and things get more and more awkward.  I’m pretty sure any introvert can identify with the situation, even those of us who are not mad scientists.

Attack of the Puppet People also has some of the better effects shots I’ve ever seen in Bert I. Gordon.  The dolls in their cases are nothing but paper cut-outs, always carefully held face-on to the camera in an attempt to preserve the illusion, and there are very visible seams around a miniature cat in Franz’ hands, but the images of tiny people interacting with oversized objects are actually pretty good.  There’s one of tiny Sally on a desk, with a telephone in front of her and Mr. Franz leaning in to talk to her, that’s almost seamless – the only place the illusion breaks is that he’s not quite actually looking at her. Quite a few of the oversized objects, like the telephone or coffee tin one woman uses as a bathtub, must have been specially made for the movie, and they’re detailed and convincing. The best is the oversize puppet the characters have to interact with. It really does look like something small, magnified.

The performances in the movie, on the other hand, are some of the worst I’ve seen even in a Bert I. Gordon film.  Everybody picks one note and sticks to it.  John Hoyt had been in Julius Caesar (although he’d also been in The Conqueror) and would go on to be in Spartacus (and Flesh Gordon), but here he just gives us the exact same Valium-laced smile throughout the whole movie.  Sometimes it’s creepy, lending credence to Sally’s early suspicion that Franz is a serial killer, but mostly it’s just annoying.  The long scene of technobabble while he explains how his shrinking machine works is insufferable.  June Kenney gives her usually slightly over-wrought reads that sound like a high school’s production of Shakespeare.

Then of course there’s John Agar.  His character is written as kind of a jerk, but in ways that were probably acceptable for white men in the 50’s.  His physical performance, on the other hand, makes you want to see Sally kick him repeatedly in the nuts.  He looms over her, follows a foot behind her when she is clearly uncomfortable with this, and touches her when she does not want to be touched.  Nowadays all this would earn him a restraining order but in this old movie it’s apparently supposed to be romantic.  Then there’s the way he laughs at her when she confesses that she’s slightly afraid of Mr. Franz.  How the hell did he ever persuade her to go out with him, let alone marry him?  And who fucking proposes in the middle of The Amazing Colossal Man?!

When Sally believes Bob has run off on her, she protests to Mr. Franz, “Bob wouldn’t treat me this way if he could help it!”  The audience just rolls their eyes, because they’ve already seen Bob treat her far worse.  We’ll see him do worse again, too, when he persuades Sally to abandon the others at the theatre even though they know that Franz will kill them if he finds them.

Besides Mr. Franz’ pathological fear of losing people close to him, the other place the movie goes in exploring its characters psychology is a form of Stockholm Syndrome.  When Bob and Sally meet the other ‘dolls’, they discover that their fellow prisoners have resigned themselves to their fate.  Mr. Franz mostly keeps them in jars and occasionally lets them out to party, and they’ve decided to look at it as if they’re on a sort of permanent vacation, just enjoying the party without worrying about things they don’t believe they can change.  The only rebellion apparent is the teenage girl, Lori, refusing to sing on command – and she changes her mind in a hurry when Franz threatens to put her back in her bottle.

They aren’t totally brainwashed, though.  When a chance to escape presents itself, they all pitch in to help.  The moral of the story, insofar as it seems to have one, is that freedom is better than slavery even when the slaves are well-treated and have everything taken care of for them.  The little people don’t need to work, they don’t need to pay taxes, and Mr. Franz sees to all their needs, but they are still prisoners.  Real life may be difficult and full of worries and responsibilities, but it’s better than being kept in a box!

Bert I. Gordon never used women as heroes, in the sense of actually doing anything to save the day, but it’s kind of interesting how frequently he used them as point-of-view characters.  Sally in Attack of the Puppet People joins Audrey Aimes in Beginning of the End and Joyce Manning in War of the Colossal Beast as a female lead through whose eyes we’re watching all this happen.  Male characters may be more active and heroic, but they are secondary in terms of screen time and audience identification.  I wonder if this were something intentional or not, and either way, what it might reveal about his storytelling.

Is it feminist?  I don’t think so.  In many of Gordon’s films, the characters feel helpless in the face of more powerful forces: the grasshoppers of Beginning of the End overrun the military easily, Joyce and her problem are handed around like a hot potato by people who don’t care, and even Glenn Manning is a powerless victim of his own growth.  Perhaps the choice of a passively watching woman rather than an actively heroic man as the main character is supposed to add to this.  Audrey Aimes might be the best example, in that her job, as a reporter, is to observe and record, rather than to intervene.  Consider The Magic Sword, in which Princess Helene watches her own rescue attempts in the magic mirror, while Sir George’s transition to manhood is represented by him leaving mere watching behind and actually getting involved in the events he has observed.  Or Necromancy, in which Lori Brandon is left watching herself in Mr. Cato’s thrall.  Heck with Manos, I could write a thesis on this.

If I had to pick a Stinger Moment for this movie, it would be the tiny people gathered around a huge telephone while Bob exclaims, “the police!  Does anyone know the number?”  At the time this wouldn’t have been a joke at all – 911 came into wide use only in the early 1960’s, but from a modern viewer it earns a snicker, and it would definitely have been funny in the UK, where 999 had been around since the 30’s. There’s your random fact for the day.

Different

This a second part to Choukeimatsu’s Same as Always, but with Iromatsu!

Ao3 Link

It all started with irritation. Ichimatsu wasn’t sure when exactly it started, only that it was around the middle of their first year in high school, but Karamatsu had started to get on his nerves. If he was being honest with himself, Karamatsu never did anything wrong, not really. But a little while after joining that stupid drama club, his older brother had started acting weird. He just suddenly started talking in such an irritating way around the house, like when he did in those dumb plays of his. But soon enough he was talking in that painful way all the time, no matter where they were, and with the same confidence he had on stage. As if the entire world was Karamatsu’s stage.

He admired hated Karamatsu for that.

One day, Karamatsu had just been a bit more annoying, telling Ichimatsu about the new play he got the supporting role in and how excited he was about it. Normally Ichimatsu enjoyed didn’t mind listening to Karamatsu talk about his day, but whenever his older brother talked about drama club, the thing that changed his beloved older brother, the thing that made him different from each other, Ichimatsu couldn’t stop his anger from boiling, and that day, it boiled over capacity.

“I don’t care about your stupid club activities, Shittymatsu.”

It had surprised everyone. It had surprised Ichimatsu himself. An apology had been lodged in his throat that he had been struggling to get out, but then Karamatsu just laughed it off and he had apologized. 

“I’m sorry, buraza, I didn’t realize I was boring you. I’ll keep that in mind for future interactions.”

Of course, Karamatsu would forgive him. He was too kind even to a gloomy loner such as himself. But that’s what infuriated Ichimatsu. Karamatsu should’ve gotten angry at him for that, should’ve demanded an apology, should’ve told him off for it, but instead he had forgave him and apologized! Whether it was a conscious decision or not, Ichimatsu referred to Karamatsu as Shittymatsu from that day on.

His behavior towards the second eldest grew worse and worse the more Karamatsu’s personality changed. When he started to wear ridiculous clothes near the end of their first year, Ichimatsu began to glower and glare whenever Karamatsu tried talking to him. Even being in the same room as his older brother seemed to put Ichimatsu in a bad mood. When Karamatsu started to teach himself how to play the guitar and sing songs on the roof in the beginning of their second year, that’s when Ichimatsu started spitting out insults whenever he got the chance. And, God, when Karamatsu started stringing English into his sentences, Ichimatsu just flat out ignored him and deliberately pretended he didn’t exist, even going as far as saying things like ‘Did you guys hear something?’ whenever Karamatsu spoke. 

His other brothers at first tried to stop and chastise him for his behavior, but every. Single. Fucking. Time...Karamatsu would just laugh it off and forgive Ichimatsu. Eventually the rest of the sextuplets stopped trying, maybe even caring, over Ichimatsu’s bad treatment towards Karamatsu. Because surely if it truly bothered Karamatsu he would say something...right?

Wrong.

All of sudden, one day, about a month before summer break, Karamatsu had started wearing sunglasses, even when they were indoors. It had been too much, too extra, that even the others started calling Karamatsu ‘painful’ and bully their brother. But never at Ichimatsu’s level of bullying which had taken a new extreme:

Breaking Karamatsu’s things. 

And by things, it was those stupid sunglasses. The first time Ichimatsu had broken them, he had felt a bit bad because he realized that Karamatsu had been trying to hide a bruise under his eye. It was probably the only time Ichimatsu ever apologized ever since he started this rebellious behavior against Karamatsu, however, when he had tried to ask Karamatsu about the bruise and Karamatsu had responded with ‘Heh, a Karamatsu Girl reacted a little too roughly towards my attempts to romance her’, Ichimatsu decided that he didn’t and wouldn’t feel bad anymore. After all, he didn’t think he’d break anything super important of Karamatsu’s, just the painful things like his sunglasses (which Karamatsu continued to wear even after the bruise had faded away) or those stupid tank tops that had his name on them.

Wrong again. 

There had been something else that changed aside from the addition of those glasses and that bruise: Karamatsu’s relationship with Osomatsu. 

Karamatsu and Osomatsu had never been especially close when they were kids or growing up through middle school. Not to say that they were on bad terms, but they just hadn’t been close like they were with their partners in crimes as kids. Just like Ichimatsu is closest to Jyushimatsu, Osomatsu is closest to Choromatsu and Karamatsu is closest to Todomatsu. Well, was closest to Todomatsu. Nowadays the youngest Matsuno spent most of his time avoiding being seen with the second eldest and opted for hanging out with his group of annoying friends. Although Osomatsu was still close with Choromatsu, he suddenly started hanging out lot more with Karamatsu right before their summer break, and Karamatsu in return had become a bit different. 

It was as if being around Osomatsu was a reversal spell on Karamatsu. He didn’t talk that stupid flowery speech around Osomatsu, he dressed normally when he and Osomatsu left the house to who knows where, he smiled and laughed more genuinely with Osomatsu instead of that fake deep voice he used when he tried to be cool, and he was just overall like his old self before entering high school. But only around Osomatsu. With anybody else, Karamatsu slipped back into that painful persona. And it seemed like none of the other sextuplets noticed this little detail. It seemed like only Ichimatsu noticed how different Karamatsu behaved around Osomatsu. Even after summer break had ended and they were all back in school, Karamatsu and Osomatsu were always seen together between classes, during lunch, and strangely enough, whenever Karamatsu was said to have skipped out on drama club, Osomatsu would be nowhere to be seen. It made Ichimatsu livid every time.

This morning wasn’t any different. 

This morning, on their day off, Osomatsu and Karamatsu volunteered to clean up after breakfast, so the rest of the sextuplets went upstairs to put away the futon. When the futon had been put away, everyone got ready to do whatever they wanted to do for the rest of the day, whether that was to go out with friends, study for a test, practice their swings, or in Ichimatsu’s case, play with his cat friends. But for that, Ichimatsu needed his cat treats, which were in the kitchen.

When Ichimatsu was in the kitchen, looking for his cat treats, he heard soft murmurs from the living room. Now that he thought about it, Osomatsu and Karamatsu didn’t go upstairs did they? Ichimatsu scowled. So they were chatting up again, how annoyi—

A sob came from the living room. A sob he knew belonged to Karamatsu. A sob he hasn’t heard in a long time.

Body moving faster than his mind, Ichimatsu went over, ready to slide the living room door open, to demand what’s wrong, to see what he can do, but despite his desires to see if his older brother was okay, he only opened it a crack. What he saw made his jaw drop. 

Karamatsu was basically in Osomatsu’s lap, facing him, with his face buried into the eldest brother’s shoulder and arms clinging to him, and Osomatsu in return was holding onto Karamatsu just as tightly, with one hand rubbing his back soothingly. He could see Osomatsu murmuring something to Karamatsu, but couldn’t catch any of it. Whatever he said, however, made Karamatsu shake his head against his shoulder and whine.

“Well then he’s just going to continue bullying you,” Osomatsu said with a huff, but didn’t stop consoling his immediate younger brother. 

What? Someone was bullying Karamatsu at school? Who was it? He’ll beat the shit out of them. No one was allowed to make his brother cry like this. No one.

Before he could stop himself, Ichimatsu slid the door wide open, startling both older brothers.

“Who’s bullying, Shittymatsu?” Ichimatsu asked, teeth grinding and voice a low growl. He will find this piece of shit that was tormenting his older brother. 

“Are you seri—mfph!”

“No one is bullying me, my dear buraza!” Karamatsu said quickly as he quickly slapped his hand over Osomatsu’s mouth. “You see, I have a performance coming up! After all, the Cultural Festival is just right around the corner!”

Oh yeah, that was a thing. Now that he thought about it, Karamatsu had been practicing his lines a lot more nowadays, and working on some shitty props for drama club. Didn’t he also bring his costume to show off the other day? But Ichimatsu wasn’t stupid, those were real sobs he heard.

“But you’re crying.”

“Mere acting, my dear buraza!” Karamatsu said, as he climbed out of Osomatsu’s lap and jumped to his feet so he could face Ichimatsu. His tears were still there, but he wiped them away with so much unnecessary movement before he struck a pose. “You see, I asked our dear brother, Osomatsu, to help me with my lines because my scene requires me to shed tears. I want my performance to be authentic, and what better way to produce authentic tears than in the warm embrace of my dear older brother!”

There was a long pause with Ichimatsu staring long and hard at Karamatsu before the fourth son finally clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes. So he wasted his time?

“But,” Ichimatsu glanced over at Karamatsu when he noticed that he wasn’t speaking in that obnoxious tone of his, and sucked in a breath when he saw the gentle smile on his older brother’s features, “I appreciate your concern, Ichimatsu.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Ichimatsu grumbled, quickly shutting the door so neither Osomatsu nor Karamatsu would see his face flush pink. He walked back to the kitchen to look for the cat treats he had momentarily forgotten about, not realizing that there was a small smile tugging at his lips.

“Wow, you really do have some serious acting skills. You almost had me believing all of that bullshit you told him was true.”

Ichimatsu froze. Did he just hear Osomatsu right? Did he think that he had gone back upstairs? Or did he know that he was in the kitchen? Ichimatsu heard Karamatsu sigh heavily.

“He doesn’t need to know,” Karamatsu said in the most tired voice Ichimatsu’s ever heard him speak in. “This is my problem to fix, I’ll just burden him with it if I told him... Come on, we have to clean up.”

Cat treats forgotten, Ichimatsu stormed back upstairs, not caring if his thunderous steps revealed to those shitty older brothers that he had been there the entire time, nor did he care that he startled his other brothers when he slammed the door to their bedroom open. He was seething. 

“What’s got you in a bad mood this time? Did you have to listen to Karamatsu-niisan monologue?” he heard Todomatsu say, but Ichimatsu didn’t spare him a glance as he searched the room for something, anything. And once he found it, he channeled all of his anger into it. 

He ripped, shredded, and utterly destroyed whatever it was he had gotten his hands on. He wasn’t completely sure what it was because he swore all he was seeing was red, but he knew it was something of Karamatsu’s and that’s all that mattered. He thought he heard alarmed voices around him, probably telling him to stop, but he ignored them. There was a couple of times he felt someone try to touch him, but he shoved them away, never really seeing who it was. 

How dare he. How dare Karamatsu look down on him like that. How dare he lie to his face like that. How dare he make it blatantly obvious that he thought he was better than him. That his problems were too good to share with Ichimatsu. That Ichimatsu was utter trash unable to help him with his problems. How dare he play favorites! He used to cry in front of all of them, he used to tell all of them when he had problems, he used to rely on all of them. He used to rely on Ichimatsu! But now it was only Osomatsu. Only Osomatsu got to see glimpses of the old Karamatsu. Only Osomatsu could see him cry. Only Osomatsu knew his secrets and problems. Only Osomatsu was relied on. Only Osomatsu.

Ichimatsu was breathing hard when he was done with the deed. He felt a lot calmer, although his hands were still trembling a bit, but he was back to his senses so that seemed to be a good sign.

Ichimatsu looked down at the mess he made, expecting to see broken sunglasses’ or ripped tank tops and sequin patterned anything or both, but it wasn’t any of that. There, laid before him in shreds and pieces, was Karamatsu’s prized costume for his play. A play he had coming up in a week and had a leading role in. 

Ichimatsu felt his hands grow clammy and his boiled blood instantly run cold.

“What have you done, Ichimatsu?” Choromatsu voiced what everyone in the room was thinking, even Ichimatsu himself. Ichimatsu clenched his jaw and balled his hands into fists. He knew he did something wrong, worse than the usual even. He knew he should really apologize once Karamatsu find outs but when he opens his mouth—

“Shittymatsu pissed me off. He shouldn’t leave his shit lying around.”

With that said, Ichimatsu got up and walked over to sit by the window, not bothering to clean up the mess. Let Karamatsu see what he’s done. That’ll teach him for being so full of himself. Serves him right.

Everyone else lingered a bit, exchanging looks as if wondering if they should do something, but ultimately decided to just carry on like nothing happened. After all, Karamatsu would just forgive Ichimatsu like he always did. However, despite that thought, tension lingered in the air, and it grew thicker and thicker when footsteps of the eldest brothers grew closer to the bedroom. Ichimatsu’s never done something like this, so they weren’t sure what was going to happen once Karamatsu sees his costume destroyed.

Soon the two eldest stood in the doorway and whatever they had been chatting about quickly died in the air when they laid eyes on the mess on the floor. The silence rang loudly in all of their ears. Osomatsu was the first to move, but only towards their shared closet so he could get changed. Karamatsu on the other hand stepped towards his torn costume, getting on his knees and scooping up a handful of fabric. He had his back to everyone else, so no one knew what kind of face Karamatsu was making. 

‘Probably that stupid kicked puppy look,’ Ichimatsu thought to himself, not bothering to hide his smirk. He was taking great pleasure in watching his older brother despair and quietly collect all the pieces together into a neat pile. That’s what he gets. Choromatsu, Jyushimatsu, and Todomatsu on the other hand were all giving the second eldest looks of pity as he stood up, back still to them. They couldn’t help but wonder if he was trying to hide his tears.

“Who did this?” came Karamatsu’s steady voice. Probably holding back tears, they all thought. There was a long pause.

“You should know better than to leave your shit lying around, Shittymatsu,” Ichimatsu finally said, his smirk growing into a Cheshire cat grin. “It was just begging to get ripped—”

The sound of the drywall cracking and so easily, frighteningly, giving in filled Ichimatsu’s ears. 

“—apart...” Ichimatsu’s sentence, which had started with malicious confidence, ended with meek fear. He glanced to his left and swallowed the lump in his throat when he saw a bare foot an inch away from his head. He followed the leg the foot was attached to up to the body that hovered threateningly above him and up to the stoic face of Karamatsu, who’s eyes burned holes into him. 

“That costume was made by a friend of mine, Ichimatsu. She worked really hard on it. It took her about two weeks to finish it,” Karamatsu said in an eerily calm voice, but his eyes were anything but calm. They were like the eyes of a beast that’s been taunted and prodded at for far too long and at last the cage was left open. Ichimatsu’s never seen Karamatsu this angry before, he could hardly recognize him, as if Karamatsu was a different person altogether. It was uncomfortably terrifying. It would’ve been better if Karamatsu had yelled at him and showed his anger in an explosive manner like Ichimatsu did, because this—this was such a cold fury, he was afraid he might get frostbite.   

“So imagine my surprise to see it destroyed. All her hard work? Gone,” Karamatsu stomped on the drywall with the word ‘gone’ for emphasis, and Ichimatsu was mortified with how badly he flinched. “All because you had a temper tantrum. I’m very disappointed in you, Ichimatsu.” 

Ichimatsu just stared up at Karamatsu with wide eyes, and he hated his body for betraying him and letting his eyes well up with tears. His only saving grace was that they didn’t spill over, but God, he never thought hearing such words from Karamatsu would hurt so much.

“There’s a lesson in this. What is it, Ichimatsu?” Karamatsu asked.

“U-uh...” Ichimatsu glanced around Karamatsu’s intimidating figure, trying to catch someone’s eye so they could help him. But every time he did, they looked away. Even Jyushimatsu looked away, not at all eager to interfere with an angry Karamatsu. The only one who didn’t look away was Osomatsu, who held his gaze for a minute before he gave him a shit eating grin. Shitty eldest.

“Ichimatsu.”

“Y-yes...!?” Ichimatsu yelped, face flushing with shame. 

“The lesson.”

“Y...Yes.... u-um...” Ichimatsu hated this so much. “I-I shouldn’t break things...”

“Whose things?”

“Shitty—”

Karamatsu, with his hands in his pajama pants’ pockets, suddenly leaned forward, intentionally or not digging his heel deeper into the drywall as he loomed closer above Ichimatsu.

“Hmm?” Karamatsu hadn’t said a single word but the message was loud and clear.

“Karamatsu-niisan’s things...!” Ichimatsu corrected himself, voice breaking a bit and heart racing in his chest.

“Good.” 

And just like that, Karamatsu’s menacing figure was gone, and Ichimatsu let out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding in. Back pressed against the wall and body tensed, Ichimatsu followed Karamatsu with wide wary eyes as the second eldest went over to the closet to change out of his pajamas. No one said a word and no one dared to move an inch. Well, no on but Osomatsu who laughed his ass off, but one firm kick to his stomach from Karamatsu quickly shut him up. All the younger brothers merely watched as Karamatsu went about grabbing a plastic bag and putting his torn costume into it, then walk towards the door. Just when he was at the door way, he was stopped by Osomatsu.

“Where are you going, Karamacchan?” Osomatsu asked, earning looks from the younger brothers. How could he be so casual at this moment?! Could he not read the mood?!

“Out,” was Karamatsu’s crisp reply, not bothering to look back.

“Do you need me to come with you?” Osomatsu asked, earning, again, strange looks from the others, but Ichimatsu hadn’t missed the serious undertone to the question. There was a long pause where the tension seemed to grow thick as wool, but it quickly deflated with Karamatsu’s deep sigh and the slight sag in his shoulders.

“No…”

“Okay, then have a safe trip, and be back before dinner time!” Osomatsu said with a grin, merely earning a nod from Karamatsu before the second eldest closed the door behind him. They all remained quiet as they listened to his footsteps, and it wasn’t until they all heard the front door close that they all let out a sigh of relief. Well, except for Ichimatsu, because now all eyes were on him.

“You screwed up,” Choromatsu said gravely.

“Screwed up big time,” Todomatsu said with a pitying shake of his head.

“1 strike! 2 strikes! 3 strikes! You’re out!” Jyushimatsu said, air swinging for emphasis.

“You better apologize to him when he comes back home,” Osomatsu said as he gets up from his lying position on the ground to sit with his legs crossed.

“W—why should I?” Ichimatsu spat. Despite his harsh words, he was still pressed against the wall from shock and he could still hear his heart pounding in his ears.

“Ichimatsu, I know you’re not stupid enough to need me to spell it out for you,” Osomatsu said, his gaze serious for a second and when he got a silent confirmation from Ichimatsu, he closed his eyes and stretched his arms. “In my opinion it was about damn time Karamatsu lost his patience with you.”

“Patience?!” Ichimatsu growled, glaring at Osomatsu. “You call that losing his patience? He nearly smashed my face in with his foot!”

“Oh trust me, he would’ve if you were anything but his cute little brother,” Osomatsu said with a knowing grin. Ah, it irritated Ichimatsu so much when Osomatsu acted like this. As if he knew Karamatsu better than anyone or knew something that Ichimatsu didn’t. Ichimatsu hid his jealousy annoyance with a scoff.

“Please, everyone knows that Shittymatsu is the weakest one after Choromatsu—”

“Hey!”

“—I could’ve easily taken Shittymatsu out like I’ve always done,” Ichimatsu said with more confidence than he felt.

“Mmm, are you sure about that?” Osomatsu said, making a disbelieving face that made Ichimatsu want to wring his neck.

“Yeah, Ichimatsu-niisan! Have you seen the size of the hole in the wall?!” Todomatsu piped in. Now that he thought about it, Ichimatsu hadn’t, and when he did he felt his stomach drop a bit. The hole was the size of his head, he could actually see the wall stud through it, and holy shit, a piece of it had been chipped off. Was Karamatsu’s foot okay?

“There’s a lot about Karamatsu you guys, especially you, Ichimatsu, don’t know about,” Osomatsu said with a stern voice as he folded his arms across his chest. “He went through a lot for you guys, but don’t tell him I told you guys, he’ll just deny it if you do and he might get angry with Oniichan, but try to—"

“Are you fucking bragging?”

Everyone turned to look at Ichimatsu with wide eyes, surprised at the venomous tone he used on the eldest son.

“So, what? You and Shittymatsu are now the best of friends? You guys braid each other’s hair and tell each other secrets when the rest of us aren’t around?” Ichimatsu hissed, his glare focused on Osomatsu, who looked back with surprised and confused eyes. But then a look of realization settled in those identical brown eyes and another knowing smile spread across his face that made Ichimatsu bristle.

“Don’t worry, Ichimatsu, we didn’t start having slumber parties until recently,” Osomatsu said, relishing the way Ichimatsu turned to face him, like a cat ready to pounce on his prey. He laughed as he put his hands up in a surrendering way. “I’m kidding~ Jeez, if you felt lonely without Karamatsu’s attention why don’t you just say so instead of letting jealousy get the best of you? None of this would’ve happened if you were a bit honest with yourself, Ichimatsu.”

“I don’t give two shits about Shittymatsu,” Ichimatsu hissed, ignoring the way his ears burned. Him? Jealous? Of Osomatsu? Yes No.

“Oh really?” Osomatsu said with one brow raised. “Then you won’t care if he doesn’t forgive you for this right?”

Silence met Osomatsu’s words, because until now, Ichimatsu hadn’t considered that. He never considered that maybe one day Karamatsu wouldn’t forgive him so readily anymore. Sure, it pissed him off when he was easily forgiven, but he had never wanted to be…hated by Karamatsu. Did Karamatsu hate him now? The thought made Ichimatsu visibly wilt like a flower.

 “But Karamatsu-niisan is so nice! I don’t think he’ll stay angry for long!” Jyushimatsu piped up, his usual wide-open mouth smile had shrunken in size as he nervously looked between Ichimatsu and Osomatsu. It was obvious he was trying to reassure Ichimatsu, and it seemed like it helped a bit judging by the way the fourth son perked up slightly.

“But this is different. This isn’t his cheap sunglasses or his custom-made shirts. This was his costume for a play he is in as the lead role,” Osomatsu said, arms crossing over his chest again as he shook his head a bit. “Karamatsu really worked hard for this, it’s his first actual leading role.”

Every word Osomatsu said was like a brick added to Ichimatsu’s shoulder as he further slumped from the growing weight of guilt. He did, kind of, sort of remember the day Karamatsu announced her got a leading role in his all-time favorite play for the cultural festival. He could kind of remember how excited he had been about it and the twinkle in his eyes. He could also sort of remember the way Karamatsu showed off his costume but had been extremely careful with handling it. The only reason it was hanging in plain sight was because Karamatsu wanted to be reminded to work hard so he can put on a great performance…or something along those lines anyways…

“Honestly, I am 99% sure that he’s only angry that you destroyed his costume because his friend had made it,” Osomatsu said, looking up off to the side in thought. “If it had been store bought he probably would’ve forgiven you like always and would’ve just bought another one. But well, it was hand made by someone, so who knows if he’ll forgive you on their behalf.”

Ichimatsu felt the back of his eyes burn but refused to acknowledge that they were tears threatening to fill his eyes. He hated it, but Osomatsu was right. Karamatsu was kind; he never got angry on his own behalf, but on other’s. Just like the bully situation he overheard earlier. If Karamatsu used even an ounce of the anger he had shown to Ichimatsu to the bully, they wouldn’t think twice to mess with him again. But he was stupidly kind, he would never do that. So others have to get angry for him.

“You know what to do right, Ichimatsu?” Osomatsu asked as he smiled patiently at his third younger brother, smile widening when he got a nod in response.

—

Ichimatsu stared through the crack in the door, knees trembling and hands sweating, as he watched Karamatsu silently work on what he assumed was his costume. The second son had come back a lot sooner than the rest of sextuplets had thought he would, but it became apparent with the rolls of fabric under one arm and a bagful of sewing tools in the other hand, that he had gone out to buy the things he will need to remake the costume. After letting Osomatsu where he would be, Karamatsu had holed himself up in the guest room with the materials and their mother’s sewing machine. It was near dinner time, and Osomatsu had sent Ichimatsu to go fetch Karamatsu. He had tried to protest, but Osomatsu didn’t have any of his bullshit and threatened to eat his cats’ sardines if he didn’t go make up with Karamatsu. So here he was, trying to build up the courage to face Karamatsu, but he was afraid that he’ll lose before he even get’s a chance.

Swallowing his fear and his pride, Ichimatsu steeled himself, and his moment of courage he opened the door.

“K—Karamatsu-niisan…!”

Karamatsu stopped marking patterns on the fabric he was working on and looked over with a smile on his face.

“What is it my dear—oh. What do you want?” the change in Karamatsu’s tone and the instant drop of his smile when he realized that it was Ichimatsu and not any of the other brothers, gave Ichimatsu emotional whiplash.

“It’s— I-I uh— D-dinner is ready,” Ichimatsu said after a minute of struggling to find his voice, eyes sliding down to look at the ground.

“Okay.”

That was all he got. Ichimatsu willed himself to glance up and saw that Karamatsu had turned back to his work. Was Karamatsu ignoring him? Just like the number of times he has ignored his older brother? Well, Karamatsu was a little nicer about it, he at least answered him when he talked to him. But Karamatsu looked like he couldn’t be bothered to even look at Ichimatsu. Osomatsu’s words from earlier rang loudly in his head. Maybe Karamatsu really won’t forgive him this time.

What did he expect? He was trash, high school has made him realize that. He had no friends other than cats, and whenever someone did try to talk to him in class, he’d scare them away with a glare. He would rather reject people than get rejected after all. With Karamatsu it was the same, he kept rejecting this different side to him, not able to accept this new painful persona. But Karamatsu had always been nice to him and kept trying to reach out to him despite the constant rejection, and now the joke’s on Ichimatsu, because he was being rejected by his kindest brother.

The door shut behind Ichimatsu and he stood by it for a moment before he stepped forward and sat in seiza directly behind Karamatsu. He noticed Karamatsu’s shoulders tense, but he said nothing nor did anything.

“You don’t have to say anything just listen to what I have to say,” Ichimatsu said with more confidence than he had thought possible, but it was a bit ruined when he quickly added in a quiet, “Please…”

He got silence in return, but Ichimatsu took it as permission for him to continue.

“When we entered high school, you suddenly changed… You were the first to become different from the rest of us, and one by one we followed your lead…” Ichimatsu said, his hands gripping his knees to keep them from trembling so much. He wasn’t good with expressing himself very well, but he had to try. “Osomatsu-niisan stayed the same pretty much, but Choromatsu-niisan became such a model student, Jyushimatsu showed interest in baseball and joined the team, Todomatsu became a social butterfly, and then there’s me. I-I’m not as carefree as Osomatsu-niisan, I’m not very smart like Choromatsu-niisan, I’m not athletic like Jyushimatsu, I don’t have any friends like Todomatsu does…I was the only one who wasn’t able to change or adapt, if anything I became trash…but I thought maybe you’d be like me too.”

Ichimatsu swallowed the lump in his throat and bowed his head before he continued.

“You weren’t very smart, or athletic, or had many friends because of your new, strange personality so I thought you and I were the same. We were loners for different reasons, but I thought we could’ve been the loser brothers of the bunch together,” Ichimatsu noticed a tremble in his voice but he tried his best to hide it, mask it with a growl instead. “But you just had to go and join that stupid drama club!”

That finally got a reaction from Karamatsu, as he suddenly turned around to sit facing Ichimatsu, eyes narrowed as if daring the fourth son to disrespect the drama club again. Ichimatsu did jump in alarm when he suddenly had Karamatsu’s full attention, but his anger was greater than his fear, and it drove him to glare back at Karamatsu.

“You just had to get the upper hand on me didn’t you!?” Ichimatsu growled, nearly shouted. “Even though people cringed at the way you talked sometimes or laughed at the way you dressed, you never let it bother you because you were so full of yourself! You thought—you think you’re so cool! Like when you play your stupid guitar on the roof, something you only picked up this year yet you you’re not ashamed to play your mistakes to the world. As if you actually have an audience! And suddenly your acing all your English exams because you think it’s so cool to add English in your sentences! And that ridiculous deep voice of yours! None of it makes you cool! You’re so fucking lame! Fucking trash just like me, but you have so much confidence and a high self-esteem, things I don’t have, and I resent you for that!”

Ichimatsu was breathing a bit heavily from all his shouting, brows furrowed together as he continued to glare defiantly at Karamatsu, but the burning feeling behind his eyes made him turn his gaze down towards his hands on his knees.

“I-I wanted to break that confidence…prove that it was just a façade and prove that you weren’t any better than me… So I started calling you Shittymatsu, insulting you, ignoring you, a-and breaking your things. Because it made me feel better about myself and eventually you would have to give in… But every time. Every single time you would just forgive me. Brush it off—brush me off like it was no big deal. Like I was just some minor inconvenience that didn’t really need your full attention or concern, like all the other little inconveniences you’ve brushed off like nothing.”

Ah great, the tears were starting to well up in his eyes.

“I-I—I just wanted you to go back to how you were. No terrible fashion sense, no stupid deep voice, no flowery sentences, no guitar… Just how you were before, back to when you were timid and a crybaby and you told us everything and—and you relied on us…b-back to when you relied on m-me.”

Great, his throat was tightening up with emotion and as a result his voice was starting to crack. Ichimatsu’s stared down at his hands, noticing that his knuckles were white from how tightly they were gripping his knees. But in a matter of seconds, the sight was blurred as tears spilled and flowed down his face. Heaving in a deep breath, Ichimatsu threw his head back.

“I just wanted my niisan back!” Ichimatsu wailed, no longer trying to hold back his emotions. He didn’t know what kind of face Karamatsu was making, whether it was still stoic or if he was surprised. Even if he tried to see, Ichimatsu couldn’t really see much through his tears even as he tried to wipe them away with his hands, more just kept coming.

“You wouldn’t tell me what was—what was wrong this morning! You only rely on Osomatsu-niisan! Only Osomatsu-niisan!” Ichimatsu wailed through his hiccups and hitched breaths. “It made me so angry! It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough! So—So I destroyed your costume! But that wasn’t the right thing to do, I’m sorry! I-I shouldn’t have r-ripped up your costume! It was wrong of m-me! I know how much i-it meant to you! I’m so sorry Kara—Karamatsu-niisan! Please don’t hate me!”

With his heart on his tear-soaked sleeve, Ichimatsu felt a little lighter getting everything off his chest. But he was still sobbing and sniffling into his balled-up hands because this didn’t guarantee Karamatsu would forgive him. He was too afraid to look at him, because just the thought of seeing rejection in his older brother’s face despite his heart-felt apology would just break his glass heart.

“I could never hate you, Ichimatsu.”

Ichimatsu’s sobs came to an abrupt stop at those words, and he blinked tears out of his wide eyes as he looked up at Karamatsu. The second eldest had bags under his eyes, so obviously exhausted from all the late nights of practicing his lines and no doubt this morning’s stress, but there was kindness in those eyes and a gentle smile on his features. Relief washed over Ichimatsu like a waterfall and before either of them knew it, the younger brother lunged forward to hug Karamatsu around his middle, his face pressed against his stomach, which was a lot firmer than Ichimatsu remembered it being, but nonetheless, he cried against Karamatsu like a little child.

“I’m sorry too, Ichimatsu. I acted rather violently in my moment of anger. I shouldn’t have done that to you,” Ichimatsu heard Karamatsu say as he felt a hand pet his hair. He shook his head against Karamatsu’s stomach.

“N-no, you did nothing wrong, Karamatsu-niisan, you’re only human,” Ichimatsu said, sniffling loudly. He heard Karamatsu chuckle, but he said nothing in return as he continued to pet his hair. They stayed like that for a few minutes, with Ichimatsu clinging to Karamatsu as he calmed down, and Karamatsu soothing down his hair and nerves. It was nice, Ichimatsu had thought. But once he felt calmer or at least got his tears to stop, he pulled away from Karamatsu and sat up. He grimaced when he saw how snot covered and tear soaked Karamatsu’s shirt was.

“Sorry…” Ichimatsu mumbled, face pink from embarrassment now that he was back to his senses.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s just a shirt,” Karamatsu said with a smile that made Ichimatsu felt like he was being blessed by some divine being. His older brother was too kind to trash like him, and he thanked God that he didn’t lose this kindness due to his stupidity. “Come on, let’s go to dinner. I still got a lot of work to do, but I can’t work on an empty stomach!”

Ichimatsu bit his bottom lip in guilt at that, but took Karamatsu’s hand when it was offered to help him get up. However, he didn’t let go of his brother’s hand when he tried to pull away. Karamatsu gave him a questioning look. Ichimatsu looked off to the side, brows furrowed as he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before he finally found his voice.

“C—Can I help?” Ichimatsu mumbled, looking down at his feet like a child, but took a peak at Karamatsu when he heard him laugh.

“Okay, I’ll be counting on you Ichimatsu,” Karamatsu said with a wide grin that Ichimatsu found a hard time not giving in with a small smile of his own. He didn’t know how helpful he’d be, but even if it was just holding shit, he’d happily do it for his beloved older brother. Tears dried and wiped away for extra measures, both brothers left the guest room and made their way to the living room. However, when they were walking down the stairs, Ichimatsu spoke up.

“I-I can help with your bully problem too u-uh…that is if y-you want my help.”

“Hm? Bully problem?” Karamatsu said, giving Ichimatsu a confused look. Wait, had that really just been an act? Ichimatsu’s stomach started to sink at the idea that he had misunderstood everything and destroyed Karamatsu’s costume for literally no reason, not that his reason was a good enough reason in the first place but still! “Oh! That, um…don’t worry about it. It’s fixed now.”

“Fixed now? What do you mean? Can you really only rely on Osomatsu-niisan for that?” Ichimatsu asked, a bit of annoyance in his tone, but god damnit he couldn’t help it! They just had a heart to heart, if Karamatsu really didn’t want his help he should just say so!

“N-no it’s not that! It’s just well—um…” Karamatsu looked embarrassed as he struggled to find words.

“Well what?” Ichimatsu said with narrowed eyes. Made up or not, he will keep his right to get angry where it’s due. Suddenly, Ichimatsu felt a weight on his back and if he hadn’t grabbed onto the railing he probably would’ve fallen down the stairs and taken Karamatsu down with him. Ichimatsu looked over his shoulder to see Osomatsu grinning at him. Ugh.

“You still haven’t taken a hint, Ichimacchan? You~” Osomatsu twirled his finger in front of Ichimatsu’s face, “were Karamatsu’s bully, that’s what.”

Osomatsu booped Ichimatsu on the nose, ignoring Karamatsu’s vexed ‘Aniki’ as he watched realization dawn on Ichimatsu’s face as well as a humiliation flush over the fourth son. Ichimatsu then proceeded to sit down on the step with his knees up and face buried against them to muffle his screaming. It took a good thirty minutes for the brothers to calm him down and in that time Osomatsu earned a black eye. The other younger brothers weren’t sure if it was from Karamatsu or Ichimatsu. 

Life at the moment

So, in my last post I set up some goals for myself. Now, the truth is that I quite rarely accomplish my goals, partially because I apparently tend to set them a bit high at times and partially because I have the patience of a gnat and am not good with long projects that require a lot of planning and time. (As attested to by my atrocious, still-not-finished thesis. It’s not the amount of work as it is really not much harder than my day job, it’s having the patience to keep at it, especially when it’s boring af.) This time I did surprisingly well, even though it didn’t go exactly as I had planned it out.

Firstly, I said I would find myself a therapist. The situation on that front took an unexpected but somewhat interesting turn that I find myself increasingly cool with. But let me start by saying that HOLY SHIT trying to find a therapist in Finland is a garbage process and someone really needs to get on that. First of all, you get no help, zip, nada, zero. You have to scour the internet yourself and try to weed out some candidates in a sea of lacking descriptions, lacking contact information, lacking everything. But I am adept at the internet, so I did.

I wrote ten therapists who seemed to somewhat fit my criteria (which were pretty much woman, CBT-leaning, experienced and available to take on new patients). Half of them never replied, three weren’t able to take on new patients even though their sites said they were, one was in the middle of some iffy moving arrangement that I didn’t feel like dealing with and the only one I actually met started the session by telling me how lackluster my prognosis was and then when I talked about my family she explained how she knows that although we’re so big on equality nowadays she always sees these mental health problems in families where the mother is more in control than the father, and I was like yeah. No.

So at this point I was like fuck me, this is hopeless. But then I had a chat with the psychologist that’s covered by my healthcare benefits at work, and she was like “you know, we just made a deal about what kind of healthcare will be covered by your employer this year, and they’re going to cover group therapy. I think that could work pretty well for your situation, would you be interested in it?” Now in the past I was socially awkward to a painful degree so I had always ruled out group therapy from the get-go, so my first instinct was to decline, but then I though about it some and changed my mind. Over the last few years I have found that I’m actually rather sociable, my social skills have improved considerably and opening up about my mental health issues to perfect strangers has never been an issue for me as I don’t keep that stuff secret anyway so I though hey, why not give it a shot.

So that’s what I’m doing. It’s still in it’s infancy, as I have only done the two initial interviews so far and not met the group yet, but I am feeling really good about it. The psychologist who will be running the group is very experienced and also quite nice as a person, I feel like she gets me and perhaps best of all, she has no problem with using hard science and medical terminology, which is immensely helpful to me. I don’t believe it’s healthy to be excessively focused on diagnosis since mental health is so complex and variable, but I find that having a label for some of the soup that is my mind helps me de-clutter and honestly makes me feel less like a crazy person. For example, I had realized that my constantly low mood probably isn’t normal and my intense health worries are rather obsessive, but hearing a professional actually say “PDD” and “OCD” sort of validates that the problem isn’t just that I’m a weird-ass dingbat and overreacting, I have some legit disorders and that isn’t my fault. (Which obviously doesn’t mean that I don’t need to do anything about them or that I can use them as an excuse for behaving like a shit, don’t worry, I’m not going down that route.) Her using the proper terms and not being vague and roundabout also makes me feel like I’m being treated like an adult and not babied, which is important to me since I really really hate being treated like I lack the ability to comprehend shit. So that’s where that’s at, and I’m feeling optimistic.

Secondly, I said I would resolve my existing vet bills, set aside some money for unexpected vet expenses, get older cat’s stomach under control and make sure the new cats have insurance. This I have mostly done. The bills are paid, and although I have not technically set aside a specific sum of money I now have a credit card that is reserved for unexpected vet bills only. I have not used it at all yet. Older cat’s stomach is still acting up some, it appears he has a bit of IBD, but the diet and medication has been re-vamped again and the situation has improved. And pet insurance has been added to my insurance package, although obviously it does not cover older cat due to the large amount of pre-existing conditions. But it covers the babies.

Third, the babies. That has been an interesting ride. I did adopt from a shelter as I said I would, but the cats ended up being a girl and a boy instead of two girls like I had planned, not that that matters much. The thing that went funny is the age. They were estimated to be around 6 months of age, and they were about the typical size for that age so I thought nothing of it. But when they had been with me for about a week I took the boy to the vet because he was peeing like 7 or 8 times a day which is quite often and I wanted to make sure he didn’t have a UTI. (Which he didn’t. Apparently he just has a small bladder.) Anyway, during the examination the vet checked his teeth and was like “yeah, this one is definitely like 1-2 years old rather than 6 months, his teeth are quite developed and really need a cleaning”. So he’s technically not a baby, and I need to have his teeth cleaned, but honestly that’s no biggie, shit happens. I was slightly peeved that the shelter hadn’t checked the teeth, that’s pretty routine, but they were very cooperative when I reported it to them and are even paying a part of the cost of the cleaning, so it’s all good. I don’t blame them for being mistaken about the age, because he is very small for an adult cat and the vet told me it’s actually rather difficult to determine a cat’s age. So we’re heading in for a teeth cleaning in about a week, and I’m taking the girl with me too so the vet can check whether her age estimate was more accurate (they are not from the same litter, they just lived together at one of the shelter volunteers’ place while looking for a home). She is growing a bunch though, which he doesn’t seem to be, so her estimate might be closer to the truth. And if it isn’t, whatever. They’re sweet, sterile, chipped, vaccinated and checked for FIV and FeLV, and that’s way more important than the age being bang on the mark.

The first weeks with the newbies have gone nicely. I will refer to them as girl kitty and boy kitty for now, since I guess at least for the boy, kitten wouldn’t be accurate and the girl is honestly already too big in size to be called a kitten because she really grows like a weed. Both have adjusted really well to their new environment despite being very shy at first. Older cat has taken well to them too and there has been almost zero conflict between them and him, I think he hissed at girl kitty like once when she was being too forward and that was it. Now they all sleep in the same bed and particularly girl kitty and older cat are becoming very close.

Girl kitty is still a little reserved towards people and you can’t really pick her up yet, but if you let her come to you on her own accord she is quite friendly and cuddly. She seems like she might become quite a big cat and has quite strong legs, so she jumps and climbs a lot. She’s quite playful, but a bit shy about playing with people. She’s constantly getting braver though, so I think she might be more people-loving in the future. (And if she isn’t, that’s fine too. Not every cat has to love sitting on your lap or being picked up, as long as it’s possible to handle them if they need to be given medicine or boxed up for travel it’s all dandy.)

Boy kitty on the other hand is quite a people-lover. He often rolls around on his back on the floor looking for cuddles and is fine with being picked up as well. He is not yet quite sure about sitting on your lap for more than a little while, but I have a feeling he might be the type to do that in the future. One thing he hasn’t quite comprehended yet is that people aren’t toys and don’t really like being nibbled on, even if the nibbles are obviously playful and definitely not bites. So I’m trying to teach him that, hopefully he’ll pick up on it. Boy kitty is extremely active and playful and will play with people, other cats, by himself, whatever works. He’s not as good a jumper as girl kitty but quite adept at climbing. He’s also a bit of a rascal and has already chewed a pair of my headphones and sometimes annoys girl kitty with his roughhousing. But in general they like each other quite well, they often sleep on top of each other and lick each other’s coats.

So that’s life at the moment. I still miss younger cat heaps, dream about her and cry about her regularly, but I think I’ll live. And older cat isn’t lonely anymore, which has done him good, so that’s a big relief.

OKAY PREPARE URSELF. so fenneth: 2, 10, 22; wrax: 9, 14, 19; zefír: 3, 12, 15; ezra: 2, 16, 20; arya: 4, 13, 24; elithros: 5, 6, 11. :D

I GOT AN HOUR AND A HALF BEFORE MY NEXT CLASS, IM READY

fenneth:

2. What’s their date of birth? Do they follow the stereotypes of their zodiac?

fenneth’s a cancer! i didn’t really even have to think about that one lmao. she was born on June 26th. she fits cancer stereotypes almost to the letter, although i’ve heard cancers can be manipulative? which she really isn’t. 

10. Are they a dog or a cat person?

fenneth is a cat person! she’s very independent and reserved herself, so she relates strongly to cats. 

22. When your character is sad, what do they do to cheer themselves up?

druidcraft. it’s something she’s done to comfort herself since she was a child; it’s what got her through losing her husband. she loses herself in delicately channeling her magic. nowadays, she also loves spending time with her son; keeping him happy keeps her sadness at bay.

wrax:

9. What’s their biggest fear?

that his sister’s going to die hating him. he wasn’t there when their parents were killed, and he wasn’t there for her after. he was too scared to face her, and he hates himself for it, so he’s assumed for years and years that she hates him for it too. 

14. What’s their biggest secret?

i don’t remember whether i told you guys this?? whatever i’ll tell you here anyway. the dragon who killed his parents is hunting him down because he keeps killing their kids. he keeps this majorly hush hush; it’s hard to get anyone to talk to you if they know you’ve got a dragon on your tail. dragons are incredibly petty creatures.

19. Do they collect anything?

dragon corpses… hmm perhaps the classic “he really loves shiny things”. dragonborn children are discouraged from being covetous or “hoarding” anything because it’s considered a negative trait inherited from dragons that they need to subvert, so his childhood was very minimalistic. he still largely suppresses the urge to covet things because he doesn’t have a “home” to keep them in, but he does like to hold onto the jewels he finds until he absolutely has to sell them for gold.

zefír:

3. What type of drunk are they?

everybody’s friend/confidant/lover! drunk zefír is just regular zefír dialed up to 1000.

12. If they were handed a puppy, how would they react?

he would hand it right back! zefír is responsible for the welfare of sooo many children, a dog would absolutely be the straw that broke the camel’s back lmao. he tries to gently nudge stray animals towards other parts of kalathur so none of his kids will get attached to them and try to keep them.

15. What are their pet peeves?

when people walk on the wrong side of the street (it can get you killed in kalathur), people who have too many pet peeves (i looked up pet peeves on google and people get annoyed over the pettiest stuff, it’s honestly anxiety-inducing lmao. zefír has enough to worry about without adding pettiness to the mix!), and people who treat him like garbage because of who he is/where he’s from/who his parents were/etc.

BIG SHOUTOUT to people who hate kids, his least favorite sort of person

ezra:

2. What’s their date of birth? Do they follow the stereotypes of their zodiac?

he’s a fucking scorpio and he was born on October 31st!!! i’ll be honest, i was really torn between leo and scorpio for him; in the end, i feel like the driven passion of a scorpio fits him better than the dramatic narcissism of a leo. he knows he’s the best, but he knows it quietly and smugly. he’s not quite as sensual as scorpios are expected to be, though; he’s far too busy for that.

16. What’s their opinion of pineapple on pizza?

he’s a terrible person but he’s not uncouth. he doesn’t like fantasy pizza much at all, actually; he’s not big on cheese. he likes pineapple well enough when it’s kept separate from fantasy pizza.

20. What would their favorite band(s) be?

marina and the diamonds, lana del rey, and broods. the more melodrama, the better. 

arya:

4. Give three of their strengths and three of their weaknesses.

i appreciate y’all trying to figure out the weaknesses of my strongest characters lmao. once again i’m incredibly tempted to say NONE but i’m just not mean enough.

strengths: nerves of steel, her taste in armor, leadership/efficiency (this is a whole big category of strengths that essentially boil down to arya being the best commander in chief to ever command)

weaknesses: her family, jokes/humor, prejudice (this more of a weakness of character)

13. How would they react to suddenly being hugged?

DO NOT! Do not. do you love life? do you feel like life is maybe a little okay? do you have an aversion to dying? do not hug arya noldaran. 

24. Describe their voice.

maybe you’ll hear her one day ;) when her voice isn’t being attempted by me, she would sound 100% like indira varma! i love indira varma’s voice.

elithros:

5. What’s their favorite food?

he’s a hearty strong growing boy!! he loves BREAD you know those like… fancy savory breads with meats and cheeses and herbs they make on gbbo? he might as well be made out of those by this point. elenion bakes them for him all the time.

6. If they were to be represented by a seven deadly sin, which would it be?

hey guess what. you’ve found a family of wrathful bastards. the primary sin of everyone in the noldaran family is wrath lmao… but that said, elithros is the least wrathful of his family! so a secondary deadly sin for him would be envy. the thing about it is, elithros would never act on it and absolutely hates that he feels it, but he’s still envious. he envies ezra his freedom and his ability to not care because elithros cares so much all the time and it’s overwhelming. he envies people who are carefree, people who don’t have to deal with the complexities of his family and his identity. at his heart, he wishes for a simpler life.

11. Describe them in 5 words.

jock (dirty rowdy rough boy), dedicated, burdened, hero, empath

RULES:  Repost.  Always post the rules. Answer the questions asked, then write 11 new ones. Tag 11 people to answer your questions, as well as the person who tagged you.

I was tagged by @youriinquisitorialness​ ( thank y ou <3 )

1.  Besides writing, what other hobbies do you have  /  what else do you like to do in your free time ?  

I did a lot of of photography before I got into rp on tumblr, but when I went into uni it killed my inspiration and all the time that I had :’) I did fashion editorials so I had to do a lot of prepping before I actually got around to grab my camera and I just didn’t have the will and strength to do it. One day I might share my deviantart in my rp blogs but for now only a couple of people have seen them. Once upon a time I wanted to do photography professionally, now it’s just a long gone by hobby that I barely do anymore :’) 

As to what I do, I try to get some reading done and I sleep, I tend to not have a lot of free time apart from all the things that I do around the house after work. So, basically, I try to read and I snuggle my cats. That’s what I do.

2.  what’s been your favourite travel story  /  experience ? 

Here’s the thing, I fall asleep very easily and I don’t do a lot of travelling often. So I don’t really have any because I am that damn boring. I fall asleep on most trips and on the ones that I don’t I just want to listen to music while probably writing. Shocker, I’m not a very social person.

3.  any pets ?  if no, would you like any and, if so, what ?  

I have two kittens <3 Named Winston and Tybalt, they are 7 and 6 months old and they might just be the true loves of my life even if they are tiny fur balls that don’t let me sleep very well because they demand cuddles at ungodly hours at night. I might just do two tattoos with their names, just their name and cat ears because deep down I am a crazy cat lady.

4.  how do you go about getting inspiration to write when you’re lacking it ?

I honestly don’t, in general, have issues getting inspiration to write. I listen to specific songs and I can get writing. Most of my issues when I can’t write don’t really have to do with inspiration but with focus/fatigue.

5.  this one had to be asked:  what’s your harry potter house ?  and your game of thrones house, if you watch  /  read  /  know of the series.

I am a very loud and sarcastic Hufflepuff, very proud as well. I will love you while showering you with biting sarcasm. My Game of Thrones house, I have no idea. I am literally a noob when it comes to the books because although they are on my list to read I haven’t gotten around to it yet, and I only know the show. Which I know many readers find to be an actual shit show. I’ve read all the harry potter books except the fanfiction one.

If I had to guess, though, I would say that my game of thrones house would either be Baratheon or Greyjoy. Probably Greyjoy considering the elements of their culture that I know of. The sea is something that Portugal has feels(tm) for. I don’t know, might be completely wrong too.

6.  what are some of your favourite books ? why do you like them  /  what about them speaks to you ?  

I love mystery books just because they are page turners for me, I am really that deep. As I’ve said above I don’t have a lot of time and I am trying to make time to read but it’s hard. My favourite books are the David Hunter series which I found to be lovely. I also really liked the Hobbit, sue me if it’s a children book, shut up.

7.  do you have a lucky number ?  if so, what is it ? 

I don’t. :’)

8.  what’s your favourite fruit ?  favourite veggie ?  favourite candy ?  

Pomegranate, if I’m not the one doing the work. Pears if I just want to eat fruit without much work. Cooked brocolli. Oreo ice cream.

9.  you’ve been stranded on a deserted tropical island in the middle of nowhere.  1:  how screwed are you and 2:  what three things do you take with you, assuming you can’t take any electronics ?  assume you’ll be there for awhile.

‘You can’t take any electronics’, nevermind, I’m dead, I am very much beyond fucked.

10.  favourite superhero  /  superhero movie ?  why ?  if you could  ,  would you take their superpower ?  and what would you do with it ?

I would probably be a terrible super hero considering how easily I get annoyed at people. But it’s more common that I don’t give a single fuck and just sit around on my pc doing nothing. So I guess I would not want the powers, I’m fine as I am. As for favourite superhero, it’s kind of hard, I really like Black Panther though I’ve yet to read the comics, but I gotta say that out of everyone in the movies that caught my attention was Ayo, because she is wonderful and my personal superheroine.

11.  apart from biow//are games (snrk), what’s your favourite video game  /  game series?

Nowadays I very rarely play games :’) I tend to prefer to spend my free time either reading or writing than playing games since I tend to have very little of it. Most of the games that I played and loved are Bioware, Knights of The Old Republic especially. I really liked Shadowrun Returns, as an example of a non-bioware game.

INSTRUCTIONS: Answer the 11 new questions below in a new post (do not reblog). Tag the person who tagged you so they can see your answers. Then, write 11 NEW questions, and tag people to answer those.

TAGGING: @banalvhen @kingwhocared @beruthielthequeen @arcusignis @killthebxy @princessorganc @schemcr @afraidofchange @vitterfolk @mindsmade @zokliitsos and honestly, if you want to reply to the following questions you can just tag me and I’ll read them <3

1. What is a character that you identify with, which parts of it do you identify with that you might not like to admit but it’s true? 2. What character is your favourite ( not one that you necessarily identify with but just you general favourite ) and which parts do you love the most about them ( be them good or bad, or related to their relationship  with others or the environment around them ) 3. What specific landscape reminds you of your childhood? What smell makes you feel that odd sense of nostalgia that brings you back there regardless of where you might be in the present? 4. Is there any childhood dream that followed you onto adulthood only to die off? Was it something that you came to slowly realise or more of a shattered one? 5. Have you ever had dreams of emigrating? ( or have you emigrated? ) I’m asking this because only recently did I decide to stay in the country for at least a couple more years, let me live 6. What is your favourite supernatural creature? What are its origins? 7. Coffee, black tea, both or neither? 8. Have you traveled to some place before with this idea of what you could expect only to have that impression change completely? ( for the worst or for the best? ) 9. What small thing ( or large, just something ) are you proud about yourself? 10. From all the books that you have read to this point, which is the one that stuck you with you the longest/strongest? Why? Would you recommend it to others? 11. What is your favourite animated movie? ( Disney, Ghibli, DreamWorks... )

Totally Fucked, written by Jen (my literal twin i think)

The zines I chose to examine are called “Totally Fucked.” The main reason I chose to write about these zines are because from the moment I saw the little cover in the sea of zines on the table in front of me, it drew my eye. It seemed small and concise, perfect for someone with a short attention span, like myself. Not being a very analytical person, the title really appealed to be because I immediately related to it and I didn’t have to see if I could figure out what the zine was about and what message the author was trying to deliver because it was just right there in front of me. I have now lived through eight very long years of being a teen and am now well on my way to further disintegrating in my 20’s, so I think I can safely say that any single human being around my age and maybe even older, can look at this title and think of a million and one times when they have, as the kids say nowadays, “felt that”. The phrase, “totally fucked,” is the biggest mood of the teenage years and even beyond. It represents all the things, on a big scale or small, that could go wrong, and do go wrong in our lives. Just like the cover, everything in Jen’s zines are so shockingly relatable and it really goes to show that no matter how much time has passed, some things will literally never ever change.

Moving past the cover, I learned the author of these zines was a girl named Jen. Although she chose not to share much information about herself, one look through her zines and I could’ve sworn we were the exact same person. She didn’t have to tell me where she was from, the things she cared about, or even what she looked like for me to know exactly who she was and the things that were on her mind and going on in her life. Because it was exactly was was going on in mine. This zine, although it came out many years ago, could have been written by anyone in today’s day and age and you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. The same issues Jen wrote about are prevalent in our lives today. For example, in one of the little comics she portrayed a scene of cat calling and guys harassing a nervous and annoyed looking girl. She actually drew several variations of this same topic in more than one of her zines and you could tell it was on her mind and bothered her. This issue is still alive and well today in 2019. Girls being made to feel uncomfortable time and time again by men. While Jen’s tone may be blasé and annoyed, there is still just as much anger as if she had printed a 1000 word essay in her zine and it gets the point across just the same if not more and the truth of the matter remains the same that women are being put through the same situations as they have in the past.

While Jen does talk about more serious topics, even if it is in what could seem like a more relaxed tone, she throws a lot of funny things into her work as well. Going back to the cover of the first “Totally Fucked” I ever looked at (cover pictured below) with a picture of a man and a woman on the cover and the woman is crying saying “I’m in love with a moron”. This made me laugh so hard, and honestly who wouldn’t? We have all had boys in our lives who fall under the very large umbrella of  a “moron.” In love or not we have all wasted our time and energy on them and can feel the energy of this cartoon big time. Another comic (also pictured below) of a girl and a guy, being shy and then hooking up in the backseat of a car is, i’m sorry, but SO relatable. Jen also adds a twist on the following page with the girl looking super pregnant and the guy just standing there looking, dare I say, totally fucked? Again, a serious topic but by writing about it in this, what can be perceived as in a comical way, is Jen’s way of reminding us that hey, shit happens and it’s just life. And with this underlying theme, I wish I could sit around and read this zine all day.

Erejean Week 2k17-Apocalypse

so usually I don’t join in for these ship weeks but the erejean tag is so dead nowadays and I haven’t written nearly enough for these two a03 link should be up later when the site is working again :(( nevertheless I actually???? met???? a deadline???? wild

Out of the many things Eren missed one of them was the birds. Growing up in the countryside had meant that every morning he would wake to their screeching as they prattled about the trees right next to Eren's window. Even in the evening they would carry on shrieking as if they weren't already being annoying enough. Once, a bird had miraculously flow into his room (to this day he still had no clue how since all the windows were sealed shut) and he had yell at it and direct it towards the open window with pool noodles before it took the hint. At least there aren't any pigeons Jean had said and added besides aren't birds chirping supposed to be sweet? before moving on to complain about how he didn't appreciate Shiganshina for the great place it was and why city life was objectively The Worst. Although he still didn't quite see the charm in those flappy fucks, whilst lying in bed with only the static air to keep him company he had to admit that maybe there was a novelty in the twittering and tweeting of sparrows in the morning.

Eren shifted his head when he heard the door open to reveal Jean walking over towards the bed with a plate of scrambled eggs and a crooked grin.

“Get back in bed,” Eren groaned through a slow yawn, holding open the duvet in invitation and really, how was Jean to resist? He placed the plate on the bedside table and pulled Eren by the waist closer to place a kiss on his forehead. Eren mourned the loss of Jean's stubble from last night but appreciated the scent of lemon soap lingering on his throat and chin. He ran a hand through Jean's thick hair and hummed.

“You need to cut your hair,” Eren mumbled, voice still thick with sleep.

“Hm, only if you do it for me,” Jean replied. “Come on, Eren, you need to get up,” he coaxed as he played with the straps of Eren's tank-top that needed washing. Later. Everything could wait until later.

“No,” Eren whined as if he were a petulant child, burying his head into Jean's shoulder.

“I milked the cows for you but the stables aren't gonna clean themselves.”

“You're not selling this very well.”

“Eren. Get up.”

Eren burrowed himself under the sheets, encasing himself in a protective cocoon. That was until Jean cruelling ripped the covers away, exposing him to the comparatively frigid temperature of the room.

“Ugh, fine! By the way, I'm breaking up with you,” Eren scowled, ripping off his pajamas to change into his usual flannel shirt and jeans.

“Love you too,” Jean beamed and god, Eren hated how cheesy it felt to say it, but it felt like stepping into the sun for the first time after a long winter.

Staggering into their shared bathroom, Eren frowned at the flecks of shaving foam that Jean hadn't cleaned off the mirror and the toothpaste growing crusty in the sink. He never was particularly fussy about cleanliness but then he had met Levi and ever since even seeing a speck of dust made him recoil. Unfortunately, Levi's wrath hadn't had the same effect on Jean, meaning their bedroom floor was normally scattered with yesterday's clothes before Eren could pick them up, leading to a lot of raised eyebrows and muffled laughter from their friends.

Although Eren missed commercial toothpaste their own-brand baking soda concoction did the job well enough. It wouldn't be uncommon for them to just forego a typical cleanliness regime but basic hygiene was one of the few things keeping Eren on the borderline of sanity. Plus, morning breath was something no one wanted to deal with.

Eren finished his plate that Jean had prepared and made a mental note to thank him once his fury at that morning's betrayal had simmered down. He trudged down the aching stairs and cursed the sun that blinded him the moment he stepped outside. It was an irritatingly bright, cheerful day and Eren just wanted to crawl back to bed.

“Afternoon, Eren,” Armin greeted with a wide smile.

“I've just woken up, therefore, it's morning,” Eren grumbled, feeling far too much like an old man for someone who was only twenty-five. “Do you need any help?” Eren nudged his head towards the weeds Armin was pulling up.

“Don't worry, I've got this for now. Some of the carrots are already prepared for harvest though so if you could get around to that later that'd be great.”

“Okay, I'll do it soon.”

They departed with mutual waves and continued to their respective jobs. When Eren wandered into the stables he spotted Jean brushing off the amounting dust on Julius' flank, face sour but his shoulders relaxed. Eren picked up a stray comb and began picking out straw from his mane.

“This little shit, honestly, I swear he was rolling in his hay for the fun of it. And he knocked over his water on purpose too,” Jean grumbled, brows creasing in a way that never ceased to make Eren snigger.

“I understand where he's coming from. Pissing you off is incredibly fun,” Eren laughed as he tugged at a particularly intricate knot.

“I hate you both,” Jean scowled like a wet cat. Eren blew a kiss that was not received kindly.

Even so, they worked comfortably in silence for the rest of the afternoon, tending to the stables, checking the water supply, harvesting early food, and salting the meat for storage. When the sundial indicated that it was nearing seven, Eren and Jean walked down together towards the perimeter to greet a tired looking Mikasa and Annie. Eren's nose twitched at the scent of decay and ash.

“One zombie in the morning neared the fence and we burned the body as protocol,” Annie explained as Mikasa swung off her crossbow to hand it to Eren. “Other than that, no activity like normal. There's six arrows and two rounds left for the rifle.”

“Anything else to report?” Jean prompted whilst positioning himself on his usual branch of the thick oak tree that was probably older than earth itself.

“No. As always, be careful,” Mikasa said before turning to join the others for dinner. Eren would be bitter he was missing roast night but he had already made Mikasa take his shift the night before so it was only fair.

Staying on watch was a painfully dreary job that included a whole lot of doing nothing but they had learned to appreciate the quiet after months of running from shack to shack with danger waiting to pounce around every corner. Making it to Armin's grandfather's farmhouse had been a massive risk and yes, they complained and about the back-breaking upkeep but everyday Eren was grateful for their safe haven in what would otherwise be hell on earth.

“Eren, look!” Jean stage-whispered, jerking his head over the fence. Eren searched the green but empty terrain beyond and located what Jean was staring at. What looked to be a small ball of fluff that could easily fit within one's hand was sniffing around, padding around to twitch its nose at the strands of overgrown grass.

“Wow, when was the last time we saw an animal outside the gates?” Eren mused aloud. Even without the buzzing of the electric wired fence and the scavenged barricade of rusted materials and pikes to ward off predators, most animals had been infected or eaten at this point.

“It must have been a year ago with the dear Connie spotted,” Jean answered. Eren had felt guilty for having to shoot it but it had provided a week's worth of food for the entire group. Besides, even if they had let it go, eventually it would have been bitten but this, a small, harmless rabbit, this they could appreciate.

“Mikasa and I used to have a rabbit when we were younger,” Eren reminisced, the sudden memory of begging his mother to allow him to get a pet gracing a smile to his lips.

“What was its name?” Jean asked, beaming at Eren in a way he never would've imagined anyone to look at him. The sun caught the flecks of gold in his eyes and Eren was momentarily stunned.

“She was called Flopsy,” Eren replied, turning his head slightly to hide his blush. Jean snorted, causing Eren to chuck a pebble at him.

“I'm sorry, I just didn't expect you to be so predictable. What else, did you have a black and white dog called Oreo?” Jean snickered.

“God, I want Oreos again,” Eren groaned. They shared a moment of silence for all the junk food that was no longer a ten-minute walk away. At least they would never have to relive that month on canned runner beans again. Now even looking at peas made him flinch.

“I think Sasha was mentioning that she was working on a doughnut recipe,” Jean offered in reassurance.

“If this ever blows over the first thing I'm doing is going to McDonalds and ordering six Big Macs, five Oreo McFlurry's, and three chocolate milkshakes to go with it.”

“Eren, don't; we haven't eaten yet.”

“What would you go for?”

“I'd go to Krispy Kreme and eat an entire Premium Dozen for myself and no one could stop me.”

“Same. Sometimes it's just the pointless shit I miss, you know? Family and security in knowing I have the next day in front of me aside sometimes I just miss ordering Dominos at 11 p.m. for my hangover the next day.”

“Yeah.”

The sun was beginning to sink and the rabbit had gone. Eren glanced at Jean and smiled softly with a gentle sigh, taking his offered palm in his, stroking his fingers along the callouses and scrapes.

“When society gets its shit back together again we're gonna go on one of those food tours around America and eat twice our weight in greasy food,” Jean promised with a grin that made Eren's heartbeat stutter.

Eren squeezed his palm and leaned against his bony yet comforting shoulder.

“I'd like that.”

so i’m a grown-ass woman but

I’m still barely an adult. And I don’t have a job or a life so all I’ve been doing every day for the past couple weeks is personality quizzes. Then today this popped up on my facebook memories from 2010 and I decided I’m gonna do it again just to see how much I’ve changed in seven years. Original answers are in normal font and current are underneath in bold.

Are you ready for this? probably not but i'm a procrastinator. Obviously, since I took the time to copy and paste it and switch from facebook to tumblr.

What do you think about Love? it's hard. It’s a pain in the ass when you’re not happy but you know you wouldn’t be happy anywhere else either. Who has your heart? david.  Dave, kinda. My heart has pretty much given up at this point.

Are you wearing a necklace, who got it for you, wheres it from? i don't normally wear necklaces. I wear Dave’s wedding ring on a chain because he’s not allowed to wear it at work, and if I give it back to him when he gets home he’ll just lose it again. Are you tall for your age, or short? taller than average but not tall. That one’s the same. I didn’t exactly grow from age 20 to 27. Except the number on the scale. What are you about to do? bathe.  Continue watching Ridiculousness and wasting my life. Maybe read some spn finale codas to fix my soul after last night.

Tell me about the person you like? i wouldn't know where to begin. I’d rather not. Do you like the smell of coconuts? no. Yeah. See idk what happened there. Expecting something to change in the next month? stuff changes all the time. Hopefully I’ll find a new job, but I have to start looking first. Tell me the truth,ever kissed your boyfriends/girlfriends best friend? no, unlike all his other girlfriends. Same. What are you looking forward to? my birthday.  Um...the All Time Low concert the day before my birthday, which I’m more excited that my sister is coming with than the actual show, actually being back in PA for Old Home Days this year because it’s that same weekend, and hopefully moving home before the end of the year.

Did you get anything off your chest today? i did a few days ago. I haven’t talked to anyone today but this quiz is pretty cathartic. How many rings do you usually wear? none. Three. Engagement ring, wedding ring, and this really cool silver one with a green wooden inlay that I got at an antique store. Do you have a bestfriend of the opposite sex? a couple. Yessir. Shoutout @sloan28allday who still refuses to use tumblr even though he has one. Can you sleep without blankets covering you? no. Definitely not. It’s much less uncomfortable in the summer now that I have central air. What did you wear to bed last night? basketball shorts and a tshirt.  I didn’t go to bed last night, but for the sake of this quiz I was wearing the same thing I am now, green plaid pajama pants and my angel banishing sigil t-shirt.

What do you do in your spare time? pretty much this. Watch Shameless over and over again and cry about how much of an asshole Ian Gallagher is and how Mickey deserves better. What were you doing at 10:00 this morning? hanging with maranda. Watching the season 9 spn finale because it was on TNT. What time do you think you're going to bed tonight? like 8pm. i'm exhausted. and i'd go to bed now if i didn't have to bowl tonight. Well I just woke up from a nap at like 9 so probably not anytime soon. Late morning, I’d guess. How do you feel about the person who texted you last? i love him. I’m gonna kick him in the throat if he sends me a text out of the blue that just says “waffles” one more time. Anything irritating you right now? pretty much always. See the last question. Also the fact that I have two separate DVRs and it decided to record Seth Meyers on this one so it changed the channel while I was watching Ridiculousness. I hate Seth Meyers, the only thing I want to see is ATL’s performance. Did the person that hurt you most apologize? yeah actually. idk how sincere it was though. or if he's just really bad at communicating. My mother hasn’t apologized for my entire childhood yet but I’m not holding my breath. Do you want to get married? maybe someday. i don't want kids though. at least not my own. Have been for almost two years now. The kids answer has changed too. Every time I see a baby I cry because it isn’t mine.   Would you ever get your lip pierced? yeah. I kinda would like to have my nose pierced now, but I can’t decide which I want more. Where would you like to live in the future? nashville. anywhere down south works but that's my first choice. georgia's a close second. Having visited Nashville and Georgia semi-recently, I can say I’d still live there in a heartbeat if it wasn’t for the fact that I want to move home so badly. So my new answer is Bradford. Would you be able to date someone who doesn't make you laugh? no. HELL no. 

What college do you plan on going to? uh...none. i want to get my cosmetology license buuuut i don't have the money for school. Wooow why did I ever even consider cosmetology? Lol...I’m probably never going to go but I want to be a contractor so I’d go to Penn Tech in Williamsport. Do you have good vision? it's not terrible. It’s getting progressively worse. I can barely drive at night now. Everything is too bright. Did you speak to your father today? yep. No but he’s a night owl like me and sometimes he’ll just message me on fb to say hi so I still might. What do you usually do right when you wake up? go back to sleep. Check my phone, pee, and head downstairs for some caffeine. Are you too shy to kiss the person you like? sometimes. he doesn't really give out the vibe that he wants to be kissed. kinda sad after being together for a year if you ask me, but oh well. No. He actually got a lot better about that when we got back together so he’ll kiss me randomly throughout the day when he’s home. We still don’t like make out anymore like when we first started dating though. Which sucks, because I love making out.  Can a girl love sex and not be a whore? i love sex and i'm not a whore. i've only been with one person. so yeah. Okay my number has doubled since then but I’m still not a whore because I’ve only been with one person besides my husband, and it was one time (we weren’t together). Hate the last person you kissed? sometimes. i love him more than anything though. Love him, hate him, want to punch him in the balls, want to have his children...it’s a rollercoaster. Are you someone who hates to read? used to love it. now it bores the shit out of me. I love reading, it’s just more gay fanfic than books nowadays. If you could change your eye color what would you change it to? i wouldn't. Still wouldn’t. My eyes are awesome. Do you think age matters in relationships? to an extent. Not really as long as everything’s legal and consensual. Name of your first cat? steven. Obvs that’s the same. But he was my first cat as a kid. My Marshie was my first cat as an adult. Would you rather be at the beach or lake? lake. Lake fosho. Clearly I’ve never liked beaches. What would you do if you found out the person you liked had a girlfriend/ boyfriend? i AM his girlfriend. I’d divorce his ass so hard. And keep my Impala lol Do you feel like you have life figured out? nobody does. No, and I’m positive I never will. Ever dropped a cell phone? i throw it more than i drop it. This is actually funny, because now I drop it way more than I throw it. I’ve mellowed but gotten clumsier. Who last hugged you? randa. This is actually the same. For all you tumblr folks, Maranda is my niece. And even though we live four hours apart now and I only get to see her once every few months, I happened to be home about a week and a half ago and she wasn’t in school because of a doctor’s appointment, so we got a few minutes together and she hugged me like four times. I love that little girl so much it kills me. Aaaand now I’m crying. Thanks, facebook mems.  Ever had a pet fish? no. No but my little sister has. He didn’t last a week lol Do you want your tongue pierced? no. Ew no way. Anything happen to you within the past month that made you really happy? kind of. Above story with Maranda, and getting my new car. which happened on the same day. Last time you spoke to the person you have feelings for? in person, 2 nights ago. he just texted me a few minutes ago though. In person, last Wednesday. We text randomly or talk on fb while he’s away for work. And I don’t talk on the phone at all so he doesn’t call me. Have you ever kissed 2 people at once? no.  No wtf Was your last kiss drunk? no but it was severely hung over lol I don’t even get drunk anymore.  What are you listening to at the moment? nothing. i should be showering. Fucking annoying Rachel Maddow and Seth Meyers. And my kitten, Thomas, is licking himself rather loudly. Your best friend has sex with your ex, what happens? haha...she's not retarded. she wouldn't do that. Well she has a boyfriend so no. Plus they are both my best friends. And definitely aren’t each other’s types. Although I do think if they were to get together she’d be the only girl besides me not to cheat on him because she doesn’t do that. Do you think you will be married by the time you are 25? probably not. I got married 29 days before my 26th birthday.  Whats the first thing you did when you opened your eyes today? shut off my alarm and went back to sleep. Looked at the time. Do you believe exes can be friends? sometimes. it just so happens that my exes are all crazy so we don't speak. These questions always amuse me because my ex is my best friend now and one of the most important people in the world to me. Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a q? no. Still no. Where is the last person you kissed at right now? i would imagine he's on his way to work. I don’t remember if he’s on day or night shift this hitch, so he’s either working or sleeping. Last person you held hands with in the past 24 hour? randa while she was walking. I have had no face to face human interaction other than the drive-thru at McD’s. Would you go on a road trip with your friends? i've been dying to. In theory, yes. Because I love my friends and going anywhere with them would be a good time. However I’ve developed a very intense fear of traffic. So can it be like a short, rural road trip please? Would you shave your entire body (including your head)? no. I definitely wouldn’t shave my head. But also no to the rest because I can’t shave anywhere I have psoriasis patches. Which is 80% of my body. Pits and downstairs maintenance is all I can do. Did you sleep alone last night? unfortunately. I didn’t sleep last night. But yes, I am alone for another 5-ish days. Have you ever kissed just a friend? yeah. Yup. Did you have any unread text messages when you woke up today? no. I may have had something from Michael on fb but no texts. Nobody texts me but Dave anyway. Do you think people talk about you behind your back? i know they do. i don't give a shit cuz i probably talk about them too. Don’t care. Is it possible to be single and happy? yes. Probably. Idk, I haven’t been single in a long time. And I’ve never really been truly happy. Everyone deserves a second chance, right? not remotely true. Not everyone. Did you stand on your tippy-toes when you had your last kiss? i don't think i had the strength to. Pretty sure I was sitting on the front porch step. Who was the last person to call you? wes. Bill collectors, which I don’t answer. As for actual people I know, that would be David. And it was in January. And I didn’t answer. Lol Think back to this time last year, were you happy? i was getting there. No. That was when I started realizing how much I missed home. Do you smoke weed everyday? nope. I haven’t smoked weed in years. Smoke cigarettes every day though. Have you broken the law in the past 5 days? probably. I may have gone like 7mph over the speed limit. Do you have siblings over the age of 21? yep. My older sister is 36, my brother-in-law (her husband) will be 37 in two days, my other brother-in-law is 33, and both of my sisters-in-law are 31. Then there’s me at 27 and my little sister is 19. Have you kissed someone with braces? no. Still no. Did your last kiss take place on a bed? no - my entry way/mudroom thing. Like I said, porch. What was bad about today? ha. I’m still mourning Castiel’s death, even if it is temporary. What's been your biggest shock this year? nothing shocks me anymore. My old job fucking me over. And the spn finale. Currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? several. YAAAS omg I want so many more tattoos but with my skin the way it is I have nowhere to put them. Can you call the last person you kissed without it being awkward? not really cuz we both hate talking on the phone. i mean it's not awkward just out of character. I’mma keep that answer. Plus if he’s out of town for work I never know his schedule so I wouldn’t want to call him while he’s sleeping or on location. Who was the last person you had sleepover with? i mean i stay at dave's on the weekends but it's not really sleepovers...it's just staying there. I couldn’t even tell you. I don’t think it counts as a sleepover if you live with the person. And I’ve lived with Dave for almost 5 years. Do you like family get-togethers? well i don't like my family. so no. Depends on the occasion, the amount of time spent there, and how big of a bitch my older sister decides to be that day. She hasn’t been too bad lately so I think my dad’s birthday dinner next weekend should be okay. Do you hate the last person who called you? nope. The people who still want 400 bucks from me on behalf of Penelec? Yeah kind of. If you are being extremely quiet, what does that mean? could mean anything. I’m bored, tired, cranky, thinking, watching something, reading, or I just woke up and am not coherent yet so if you speak before you’re spoken to I’ll stab you. Did anyone watch you the last time you kissed someone? no. I doubt it, unless I have really creepy neighbors. Oh wait, I do. I wouldn’t put it past Sharon to watch us saying goodbye before Dave leaves. She’s like obsessed with us. Do you like to spend time with people? occasionally. Sometimes but I prefer to be alone. Just not as alone as I am now. Because I’m ALWAYS alone. 

Do you want a relationship right now? i'm in one and yes i want it. Um. Mostly. Where did you last fall asleep other than a bed? couch.  Sometimes I fall asleep in the car when we go back home for a visit.

Have you ever been called heartless? usually. Yeah.

Okay! So mostly we’ve discovered that I’m still a cynical little shit but I use capitalization now so that’s personal growth. For the most part my relationship with my family has improved. Dave’s stuck with me so I don’t have to second guess all the minutiae of our relationship. If it falls apart I’m like whatever I saw this coming years ago and it won’t kill me. Annnd I still have no ambition or drive. It’s always sobering to learn things about yourself and how much you’ve changed in a given span of time. Alright, I gotta poop. If you like reading this kind of shit, cool. If not, sorry not sorry. It took me over an hour so I probably won’t do it that often anyway.