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considerablecolors · 2 years

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thinking about how once curt starts treating barb a bit better and they become closer and are just peak adhd/autism solidarity so here's some Thoughts on neurodivergent spies (also ignore that half of these terms didn't exist back then it's fine shhh):

barb swaying on her feet and twirling her hair infodumping about technology and curt gets all excited and starts stamping his feet and talking about spy history

sometimes they'll have sessions where one of them just infodumps for a long-ass time while the other listens but sometimes their interests connect and they just. lose it. like curt is talking about ways to make learning languages easier and barb's like what if there was a device to automatically translate things for you and curt goes HOLY SHIT.

curt will pull barb aside sometimes and be like "does cynthia hate me or is it just the rsd" and barb's like "i thought you were into me for years do you think i understand social cues any better than you do???"

"hey curt i was talking with tatiana and telling her about this thing i do but she said most people don't do that. is this a Symptom?" "nah i do that all the time!" "oh god it IS a Symptom then."

barb. inventing. new stim toys. and curt gets to test them out first!!!

going out to dinner and barb being like "oh uhhhh-" because there's nothing there she can eat because Texture y'know but curt Gets It and just immediately is like "hey can we go somewhere else i don't really wanna eat here" so she doesn't have to say anything

curt gets injured all the time obviously and always hates certain bandages because Sticky Scratchy Texture y'know and barb just casually one day is like "i made a new type of bandage for you :)" and curt almost breaks down crying.

barb getting overstimulated sometimes from listening to all the noise happening during a mission while she's on call with them so curt sets up a way for them to just message on the watch so that when she needs it he can mute his microphone for her

owen asking barb questions to make sure he's understanding and treating curt properly. and curt finds out and is so touched.

owen being like "i'm glad you guys have each other but idk. i don't want to be mean at all but you guys always talk about shit that's supposed to be a symptom of neurodivergency but i mean i've experienced most of those things for my entire life and i'm neurotypical." "......you what." "oh god owen..."

owen "if i don't click my gun three times before each mission then Something Bad will happen idk what but i Can't start this mission until i've read this case file three times because three is a Good Number but that's all totally normal right" carvour going "i don't have ocd what are you talking about" "yes bud you do"

curt starts consciously setting aside time before missions for owen to compete any ritual he needs to feel comfortable

owen's very embarrassed by it at first but one day curt goes "hey. if three is the big number, then i better give you three kisses right?"

owen blushes very hard and refuses to admit it

they tell tatiana later and this prompts a bunch of friendly teasing because "how could you not realize that carvour lol. anyways can someone help me file this case file i'm not good with reading." "what do you mean?" "oh you know when you're trying to read and the letters are just floating around?"

"....tatiana."

curt and tatiana as dyscalculia/dyslexia buddies that help each other out. tatiana will help curt with math and curt helps tatiana with reading and writing, and it works out really well bc tatiana likes math and curt likes reading and writing <3

the Squad is having a conversation one day and the informant keeps clearing their throat. and everyone is just like "hey. you uh. you need a lozenge bro? you good? you need water? you need a cough drop? are you okay?" and everytime he's like "yes im fine haha don't worry about it"

but stuff like that Keeps happening

the gang chalk it up to just another quirky thing abt them until the informant gets really stressed out one day and is just clearing their throat Again and Again

this master of disguise has tourettes babeyyy

when they're in situations where she has to be quiet, she's just sitting there desperately holding her tics in. and the minute the mission is over, before they go out to celebrate they sit in the car for a minute and let the informant get everything out of their system

sometimes when he's in a crowd and the informant's ticcing is bad enough that he starts getting self conscious, everyone else just starts helping him cover them up

the informant, ticcing: "are you SURE this isn't annoying?" curt, playing with a very loud and squeaky tangle fidget toy: "i gotta be real with you i literally didn't even notice man."

it's not something they really talk about with anyone besides each other. but one day, without saying anything, they show up to an agency meeting and cynthia just goes "susan?" and susan brings out a little bowl of stim toys and just. sets them in the middle of the table.

everyone just casually grabs one throughout the meeting. cynthia does not address this but sue enough. every meeting afterwards there is always a bowl on the table.

"cynthia, may i ask-" "susan, when mega is playing with a fucking stretchy worm he is more focused on what i have to say than i have ever seen him. we are keeping them." "understood."

"....hey cynthia, can i-" "sure, take your pick susan."

#let's play a game called spot which parts are me projecting /hj #spies are forever #tin can bros #cc speaks #*paul voice* promise me you'll think about the implications (saf meta)#neurodivergency #autism #adhd #ocd #dyslexia #dyscalculia #tourettes

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10yrsyart · 2 years

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I found your blog when I found your BOTW comics (fantastic stuff btw) and stayed throughout everything and the funny thing is I wasn’t super big into my faith until a while ago and finding out you are actually a very big Christian was surprising but nice! I’m much more into my faith now but as someone who doubted Jesus as my savior a Lot, and someone who still struggles to comprehend and retain the Bible I was wondering if you had any recs to studying His word better? It just feels hard to get into the habit of reading and understanding His word.

i wasn't super active in my faith until a little while ago, so i know what you mean 😂feels like a lot of catch up..

the first thing i did was read the Bible all the way through as fast as i could. the purpose was to be familiar with the whole outline and have a general idea of what it contains. and that way the Holy Spirit would have an easier time bringing scripture to mind (i have ADHD and Dyslexia but that's no match for Him haha). i use Google sometimes to look up certain meanings of verses. i would recommend a study Bible that has a running commentary, so you could have those insights during your later read throughs. a book that outlines the setting/audience/author/themes of each book is also super helpful.

i also recommend The Bible Project on youtube. it's an animated series of videos discussing storylines and themes and words of the books of the Bible. as a visual learner, it's been very cool and helpful as a guide. i follow the One For Israel Ministry on youtube too. they're Messianic Jews and they have really amazing insightful teaching that look into the Jewish culture, and the relationship between the Old and New Testaments. plus they have a long playlist of testimonies from Jews who became followers of Jesus and they're just wow 👀💙

the best advise i can give is let the Holy Spirit lead you into knowledge and direction. everyone's journey through Bible study is different, but God will honor your desire to learn more and show you how to proceed. consistency is what has helped me keep going.

#christianity #the bible #faithstuff #faith #religion #rec #10 asks #anonymous #jesus christ

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destinyc1020 · 3 years

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I've been pushing so hard for Tom to host SNL ... but I doubt he'll ever do it because you have to read off cue cards and it's on live television which is his worst fear because of his dyslexia. Some hosts have been dyslexic but not for while and not since they started relying on the cue cards more than ever in the last 10 years or so. I predict Z will host in the first half of the upcoming season though and hopefully Tom can cameo!!

Mmmmm...🤔

I don't think that's what it is Anon.

Tom has done plenty of appearances and skits where he's had to read off a teleprompter before.

Jimmy Kimmel/NYC edition

Stephen Colbert Show - Rescue Dog Rescue

HOCO promo

And who can forget...."are you web carpet ready?" 🤣 😂

Tom has even presented at the freaking Oscars live! (Talk about pressure!)

Plus, SNL has plenty of rehearsals. You're not just going on there cold-turkey and reading a prompter lol. 😅 They do sometimes change things up last minute, which can be a bit nerve-wracking sometimes lol, but the cast is extremely nice and understanding.😊 They know most ppl aren't used to doing stuff off the cuff trying to be funny.

I mean, even the gp loves to just see celebrities on the show hosting and having fun, and most of us don't care if the lines are forgotten, if they mess up, or if they break character. It's actually MORE funny to see the mistakes imo. 😂 If you just go on the show for fun and don't take it too seriously, you'll have a lot of fun.

I think Tom would be a pro at hosting SNL (he's already naturally super charming), but hey... 🤷🏾‍♀️

You might be right.... Either they've never asked him, or he's been nervous and turned it down due to his dyslexia.

Tom has said in the past that one day he would like to try his hand at what his dad does as a stand-up comedian just to see that the experience would be like.

Imo, hosting SNL would be a GREAT practice point lol 😅 It's a MUCH easier audience to please imo. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Re: Z...

I would LOVE to see hosting SNL also! 😃 I think it would be an awesome way for more ppl to see more of her playful fun/funny side lol. I actually think Z would be way more nervous to host mainly cuz she's always said that she's really hard on herself and a perfectionist. So I think getting out of her head and just relaxing and having fun with it would be the biggest challenge for her. But it would be great practice for her too! 😉👌🏾

I think Z would have way more experience though, because she's been on Disney shows doing comedy for years, so SNL would prob not be hard for her logistically-speaking, but it's the "live" aspect that she might struggle more with. 🙈

I can only hope that one day my two faves host SNL at some point in their careers haha. 😅🙏🏾

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ecclais-fouoras · 3 years

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Sometimes moving on is good

Chapter 3&4

The two of you met often for drinks and chatting, while you exchanged a few messages.

You : Hey😝✌️ what is up ? I haven't heard from you today, is everything ok? Btw i finished your recipe but the cake 🍰 was not looking good😭🤣

Diane : hi, sorry i was busy with work. what happened with the cake? Oh i know you must have overcooked it, i used to do that all the time at first. What does btw mean? And why are there little faces on my phone ?

You :🤣oh honey...those are smileys you use that to had emotions to texts. AND Btw means by the way, everybody knows that diane.

Diane: haha ! Well I don't, anyways I finally finished the book you handed me last time.

You: OMG ALREADY??? IN 3 DAYS ! did you at least like it?

Diane: i did especially because of Jude’s past. Oh, and then Jude’s present, because sometimes life just keeps knocking people down, even when they’ve already suffered more than anyone ever should.

You: yes ohh it was so sad. I almost shead a tear. Which does not happen often !

Especially when reading... But I'm glad you liked it.😘

Diane: well i did the writing was really good, and the plot was interesting, what do you mean especially when you read ?

You: well... I always have trouble connecting to a book, especially when I have to read it, AND WHEN IT'S LONNNG🤣

In all seriousness I just have a hard time reading for as long as I can remember.

Diane: oh...why is that??

You: well I was diagnosed with An Oral and Written Language Learning Disability with impairment in reading and a specific reading comprehension deficit years ago. So basically my brain don't wORK.

Diane: i apologise that was intrusive of me

You: oh no don't worry I'm fine with talking about it, it's not that big of a deal, it doesn't stop me from messing up your cake🤭😭.

Diane: 😂 you'll do better next time don't worry. Do you know what are the causes ? You don't have to answer. It's just, well medicine interests me a lot.

You: apparently an abnormal cortical development, that occurs before or during the sixth month of fetal brain development, may have Abnormal cell formation known as ectopias, and more rarely, vascular micro-malformations, and microgyrus.

It's all big words but yeah those are the latest studies about dyslexia sais.

Diane: oh okay, i never thought it was actually physical, it's good to know

you: me neither until I searched it ! Even if I had it🤣. Sorry i gotta go I'm gonna be late for work !

Diane : sure, have fun! well Don't have fun...you know what I mean

Goodbye y/n.

When you got back from work you directly went on your phone hoping that diane sent you a message just so you'd have an excuse to talk to her. You had just seen her a few days before but somehow you still missed her, and little did you know she was missing you too.

After a few weeks you grew closer, and she invited you over for lunch or brunch, but tonight, you were going out. Together. You had asked her on a date a few days before.

"Hi Diane ? Yes it's me I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me on Friday ?...mmm...yes well I know a great place next to the cinema... Totally we can go out to the movies and then diner...what do you want to see ? Okay, cool see you then."

Yes, you were neighbors, you could've asked her in person, but you didn't want to be rejected face to face, it seamed easier to do on the phone.

And tonight was the night, the movie didn't start until a few hours, but you had already started getting ready. You picked up a nice outfit, Classy but casual, and put on just a little make up.

On the other side of the road diane was also starting to prepare, she was -not gonna lie- overall a bit anxious, why did you ask her out? Was it a date ? No it couldn't be, you'd never think of her like this. She was lucky to call you her friend, maybe you didn't even think of her as a friend ? God I'm so silly i got carried away, she probably doesn't even like me back. She was completely overwhelmed with thoughts, her breathing was shallow and she could not get in the right headspace as she put on her outfit.

She didn't notice that it was almost time, and that you were going to show up anytime to pick her up.

She offered to drive but you said you'd like too since you worked from home and didn't drive your car out often.

next thing she knows, her doorbell rings and as she goes down the stairs you hear her say "coming !" in a soft voice.

"I'm so sorry I barely even finished getting ready... Here come in I just have to find my shoes and I'll be right there." She looked so beautiful in her bordeaux dress that you didn't register her words.

"...o.. okay.." you manage to say while eyeing her up and down. Even if she didn't seem to know, she was beyond beautiful and you were going to make sure she did.

"You look.." you couldn't finish you sentence before she started rambling and letting all of her anxieties taking over her speach.

-" what too much, oh no i should have never put on that, sorry i thought it was cute but I'm too old for this and ugl...

She didn't have time to finish you just cut her off;

-"NO ! No i ment you look beautiful like this"

You couldn't help but feel attracted to her right now, but you put it aside, she didn't like women obviously?

-"Oh...wait really ?" You could feel the shakiness in her tone

"Yes...of course you look cute, and the dress is amazing on you. Don't even worry about it you are a very beautiful women diane."

You said in a firm voice that made her knees go weak.

"Well we should get going sweetie, do you have your shoes?"

"Yes..let's go" she closed the door blushing widely as you opened up the door to your car.

You bowed as you said "Milady" in a formal tone

She giggled softly and it was the most precious sound in the universe.

The car drive went by in a comfortable silence as just the soft music and a bit of humming could be heard.

You invited her to the movies, she offered the popcorn and choose your seats.

It wasn't necessarily a scary movie, but when things got a little tense, you could see her clench the armrest, so you scooted over and offered her your shoulder so she could hold on to you. After a bit of esitaton she accepted your embrace and the two of you cuddled together while the movie played. She gasped and then laughed at herself a few times.

When the credits started to roll none of you wanted to move, but you broke the silence and told her;

"As much as I'd like to stay here and cuddle you... I think the dude standing there with the bucket needs us to leave... Also the reservation is in ten minutes."

She sighed softly in defeat, gathered her bag and started to get up.

She rose too quickly and felt dizzy as her legs started to buckle. But you cought her hips before she could fall.

"It's okay...I got you", you said softly in her ear.

"Are you good? Can you walk" you asked as you still held her hips firmly. Which send a shiver down her spine, and a tingle down further to the both of you.

"Yeah.. I'm good thank you I just got up too fast".

You both went to the restaurant, the waiter took your orders and you both started to chat about anything and everything, the movies, life, cake, and even your delicious pastries.

"I was NOT scared !?"

-"YES you totally were ! you clang on to me the whole time I heard you whimper at Thé screen everytime there was something scary on."

-"sorry about that..."

-"why are you apologizing ? If it had bothered me i would have told you so..."

-"oh..okay, but I wasn't scared, just sometimes the movie was making me anxious ! I mean like that part in the stairs...brr..gave me chills."

-"alright alright fine..you weren't scared...I'll give it to you.. just because your cute"

She nearly choked at your comment and became as red as your wine.

"It's okay you don't have to be shy with me."

-"Do you really think I'm cute?"

-"Yeah, already told you you were cute today; and well not just tonight"

-"thank you y/n"

"Anytime diane, you are beautiful i want you to know that"

She didn't want to cry in front of you but you saw the tear she was desperately trying to hide run down her cheek, and got worried.

"Oh diane...are you okay ? I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable... please look at me" you moved closer to wipe the tears off of her face, and gently stroked her cheek.

"I'm fine y/n, just it's been a long time since anybody called me beautiful"

-"Well that's a shame then, and I'll make sure you hear it a lot more."

"You don't have to do that... I don't need to hear it"

-"You do. And you should be hearing it, i don't know why it stopped but I'll make sure it doesn't ever again"

She sobbed at your words again

"Oh No...sweet girl don't cry.. please... you're okay diane, I'm here always, I'm your friend"

She calmed down a bit, and felt butterflies in her stomach at what you said.

-"You are? You mean you actually want to be ?"

"OF course silly, i wouldn't have invited you to diner if I didn't at least like you diane."

Just after that sentence left your mouth the waiter arrived to pick up your plates, you breathed out 'thank you' as he left.

"You know, I don't understand why you didn't think I liked you, at leaaaast a little ?"

You joked as you took a sip of your glass.

"Well.. I've been alone for so long now...I don't know...i thought you were just hanging out with me because you didn't have a choice...".

You were saddened by her words

"Diane..I... if I had known you felt that way I would have said something a long time ago ! I don't want you to think for a second that i am here out of pity or because I got nothing better to do. I'm here cause I wanted to have a nice evening out with you."

You said as you put your hand on top of hers, when she didn't draw back you started to gently stroke it.

"Would you two like some dessert ?"

You pulled away to take the menu form the waitress.

"Do you want some dessert diane? They have apple pie, and tiramisu?"

-"i don't know...I'm not that hungry for both but i don't want to choose."

-"we can share you know"

-"huh? What do you mean"

-"well, i take the apple pie, you take the tiramisu, and we split"

-"are you sure? I wouldn't want to bother y..."

You cut her off before she could go any further.

"Yes I'm sure diane"

"..o..okay then"

"Are YOU sure??" You asked in a funny tone

She giggled and nodded.

You asked the waiter for both and shared when they arrived. After fighting a bit over who would pay you told diane that you had asked her out and therefore you should pay, "and if you want to pay so bad... you'll pay next time."

Both of you were full, you had spent an incredible night, it was dark but you offered diane a quick walk around the park, and she agreed. The two of you made your way back to the car after laughing your asses of and getting even closer than before.

You drove her back to your...her house. And before she entered her home you softly said;

"Well diane, i had an amazing night, we have to do that again sometime."

-"yes we do, i had so much fun too"

-"And I ment everything i said tonight,.."

For a few moments you just looked at each other, your gaze met her lips and she thought about how sweet they would taste before thinking 'who am i kidding she'll never kiss me, get those thoughts out of your head diane'

Before you could process what was happening, both of your bodies grew closer and your eyes shifted between both of your lips you kissed her, softly. it was a calm and quiet kiss. You broke off for air and looked into her eyes. You caressed her cheeks and put your hand on the small of her back before kissing her again, she moaned inside your lips and you took the chance to put your tongue in her mouth. Her hands flew to your neck and she kissed you back.

After a few minutes of making out you pulled away, you didn't really want to break the moment but you asked

"Diane... it's late i should go back home..."

She looked a hurt and a bit sad while she let you go.

"No don't.. I don't regret kissing you Diane don't worry. I just want to take this slow"

"Oh alright I thought you didn't... nevermind. Go home y/n, it's getting cold out here" she looked down at her hands and

"..you don't regret it don't you?"

"No i enjoyed it" she said blushing slightly.

"Good... I'll see you tomorrow then... Good night diane"

you kissed her sweetly again before leaving and you both smiled like teenagers who just had their first date.

-"Sweet dreams y/n"

#diane sherman x reader #diane sherman #sarah paulson fanfiction

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biclarisselarue · 4 years

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pjo characters + uni paths:

percy:

thinks it’s something he just needs? to do? so he dives in with a full course load immediately

majors in nautical archeology mainly because he thinks he should and because he thinks it might be easier (only recognizes this as a sign much much later on)

finally drops out after one semester after many, many long talks with his mom, annabeth, and, a bit surprisingly to everyone but himself, reyna, who has lots of wisdom to share about forcing yourself to do something that’s not right for you simply because you think you should *cough the hunters cough*

everyone is really supportive of his eventual decision to become a camp counselor and teacher at chb

he loves it: he gets to be out in the sun all the time, he can practice his own skills, and he discovers he’s really good with kids

+ he loves how rewarding it is to see them grow throughout the course of the summer and have them remember him when they come back

eventually he starts studying social work part-time and uses that knowledge in order to connect more fully (and more consciously) with the campers

annabeth:

like percy, she dives right in with a major in architectural engineering and a minor in architectural history because she thinks that since it’s her passion it’ll be easy

forces her way through a full first year through sheer willpower, ignoring how literally everyone tells her it’s draining her love for it, even though it almost destroys her sanity

moves to part-time studies for the rest of her degree because she truly does love what she’s taking, but she acknowledges that it’s okay to take more time and that it doesn’t make her any less athena’s kid

keeps herself engaged and passionate by doing personal mini-projects throughout her undergrad

frank:

did okay in high school but really flourishes in university

this is partly due to a) not having dyslexia or adhd b) loving what he majors in c) being a giant nerd who masters the art of note-taking and d) being able to learn pretty well in the way schools want you to learn

he decides to take history as a precursor to going into law and interns in his free time because he Loves It

and bc, again, he’s a giant nerd

hazel:

takes some online courses so she can get a couple of certificates but mainly it’s so she can learn what she wants to without worrying too much about following someone else’s schedule

studies psychology because after discovering her mist powers, she realizes she really likes finding out what makes people tick, and, more importantly, what she can do to help others as much as possible

feels slightly guilty about using her newfound knowledge to manipulate people, even if it’s for good reasons (eg. forcing percy to take a break and recharge)

Piper:

goes into peace studies just for laughs because haha she can charmspeak people, get it?

actually really enjoys it and sticks it out the whole way through, albeit a little embarassedly because everyone teases her for liking something she did for lols

also feels a little guilty for using her powers to cheat a bit in class activities, but also.. she’s pretty good at it on her own so what’s a bit of help?

jason:

goes into international relations for the same reasons piper picked her degree (ahah.. he’s torn between chb and cj ahah...) but realizes about midway through that he would much rather not continue to tear himself apart being the middleman

quits and doesn’t looks back, instead alternating between helping annabeth with whatever projects she’s working on and taking up construction and carpenting

cue handyman!jason who is really good with his hands

leo:

helps jason get into carpentry and teaches him what he knows (even if it’s limited since “again, jason, my specialty is metalwork” “for me? please?” “...fine”)

does not even attempt going into university because he knows it’s not for him and nobody bats an eye

decides to spend his time at chb inventing things, bouncing ideas back and forth with annabeth, and setting up the war games and capture the flag for each camp

reyna:

says fuck that noise and goes backpacking all around the world (mainly by herself, sometimes joined by nico or anyone else who wants to join for a bit)

take the time to re-discover herself and the world

gets really into scrapbooking??

nico:

quietly goes to university, quietly finishes a degree in international relations

only tells hazel for the first four years but manages to casually slip it into every conversation he can once he’s graduated

especially when he is talking to jason bc he’s a bit of a rascal like that

(jason is incredibly proud)

#anyway long lol but yes i did procrastinate writing my au for this #no i am not sorry i love them #feel free to send me thoughts to my ask box bc as much as i love these and worked hard on them #i am not dead set on any of them tbh and thats the Beauty of it #percy jackson #annabeth chase #hazel levesque #frank zhang #jason grace #piper mclean #leo valdez #reyna avila ramirez arellano #nico di angelo #pjo #long post #text #my ramblings

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the-dyslexic-blogger · 4 years

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so this is where it begins

So, Hi I'm Dino (obviously not my real name but I wish it were haha). There is a trigger warning to self-harm, mention of suicide and depression.

I'm 20 and attending university a few of my friends have done some blogs, so I decided this is where I'm going to start.

As a reader, I thought you'd better known I have dyslexia. Hence, it is a big step to write a blog as, usually, I'm not too fond of it (the dreaded writing spelling and grammar NOOO), But here we go.

In my lifetime, I've been through a lot of crap to get to be who I am today( I will probably talk about some of this in other blogs.) Of course, the aftermath of having a lot of crap happen to you is a lot of issues in the future and a lot of trauma.

There is a daily struggle with mental health. Everything is a battle most days I have to drag myself out of bed which is so very hard to do many little tasks that are easier for other like showering I find is a massive task (thanks depression love you too). Most nights I'm up to the early hours of the morning fighting the demons in my head screaming at me to give in and will not shut up until I give in to the blade and feel the sweet relief of pain as I cut myself. The blood flows out of wherever I've cut it from, Even after this it's not the end of the battle, I get a big hit off of the guilt about doing it, so I don't sleep whatsoever so am tired all the time. In the daytime dark thoughts still spinning around my head, monsters breathing down my neck. Throughout the day, they are lingering over me, waiting for me to mess up somehow and then reminding me of this mistake all day.

The night time is when they are the loudest when everyone I could turn to is asleep. Still, I don't want to bother my friends with my shitty problems 'they don't care. "They don't like you' the demons whisper in my ear when I pick up the phone to text someone, To scream out and get help for my head trying to kill me, haunting me dark thoughts taking over my mind full of darkness and nightmares no light left I'm alone with my thoughts so, I give in and let the demons take over like a bring me the horizon quote 'it comes in waves, I close my eyes Hold my breath and let it bury me I'm not okay, and it's not all right '. I'd say night time is like a tight rope your battling to staying it while monsters are trying to push you off watch you fall to your death some people make it, but some fall off. I always cant get the thought of they (The demons) have been there when no one else was. They have never left me like everyone does.....

Its been about eight years since I started cutting I've been self-harming for a while I can't remember exactly when I began, it began as hitting myself hard. , it only developed into cutting in year seven. I was bullied a lot, so this triggered me to start cutting myself. I felt worthless and like I deserved it everyone hated me so I may as well hate myself too. It began to get worse when my best friend I'd known since I was in primary school killed herself. The guilt consumed me whole, and I became a shadow of who I used to be I was no longer that sweet innocent child who had no care in the world. I was a self-destructive monster who wanted nothing less than to hurt me and wanted nothing more than have me dead. (I'm not going into the suicidal thoughts in this one yet maybe in a future blog.) Yet no one knew. I wouldn't show any emotions expect happy I was 'hyper ', but it was all an act to stop the evil thoughts consuming me and not to let anyone worry about me I didn't deserve that. I'd tell myself daily that I deserve the pain that I cause myself.

I tried to get help for the bullying at school, but my school made it worse so from then forward I shut down completely refused to talk to anyone about my depression. I didn't have a pleasant childhood my parents were abusive (again not going into that in this one). I didn't have many friends, so I never felt good about myself. This was all a massive kick at my self-esteem. It was only until year 11 when my games teacher noticed me as always wearing long sleeves in the blistering heat when we were playing rounders.

It was a childcare lesson she took me aside and took me to the school nurse then I'll never forget how my heart dropped when she said "roll your sleeves up" I first refused. She suggested that she'd go outside the room and to show the school nurse to make sure they wasn't infected or anything so I agreed to this. After this miss brown was the most supportive and she'd been. School became a bit easier from then. We started talking more and more each lesson I enjoyed her company.

One of my bullies who I am very close to now, and we talk a lot came up to me and apologized for what she has said to me in the past. I forgave her, and we sat and chatted about things I let her open up, and she had been through a lot of shit as well, and I felt terrible and told her she could talk to me. After this we became friends, and we talk now and then.

At this point, I was still self-harming and being bullied even cyberbullied to the point the police was involved. Another traumatizing event happened during this time I put my trust into the wrong person and regretted it. I still regret it today and hate myself. But we will cover that in another blog.

I did my GCSEs did pretty well, and life was okay even though I was still at home my self-harming was still a thing, That summer my sister found out about it she asked I told her not to tell mum. Guess what she did TOLD MY FUCKING Mum. My mum was in a lousy mood came to me shouted at me to take my jumper off, so I did she saw the cuts and had a go at me took my phone off me and grounded me and more which I'm not going to go into yet. It was horrible of course I cut again and again and felt suicidal she made me feel so worthless and alone.

Starting college for the first time was stressful and made my anxiety so bad. The first year of college was when I began therapy Tamsin was my therapist. She was lovely, helped me a lot. My self-harming didn't stop but reduced a bit whereas before the sweet relief of the blade and saw how much id bleed was most nights. It was like it was part of my routine. Go to school/college get home to wait till everyone is asleep then cut my night away.

Then lie in bed and stare at the ceiling thinking of how worthless I was and how I want to be dead how I wish I could cut deeper and made it worse for myself. This reduced a bit it wasn't every night, but most nights it was rough and never thought it would consume my life as much as it did never thought id still be here struggling with it.

I've cut myself a few times where I think I probably should have gone to the hospital, but I didn't. One of these times was in my next college it was rough as my original college had told me I wasn't good enough, And that I Wouldn't make it, so I moved to a new college. One of the first weeks there I remember cutting very deep and panicking it was a hot day I was at work and had got home and felt stressed over things and cut my arm badly. I wrapped a sock on it was all I had and texted my girlfriend she told me to find my mate I walked into town found my mate we went to the shop got some supplies sat on a bench and patched it up. I knew a paramedic, so I texted them asking them what I should do they told me to put alcohol on it, Once I got in I put some rum into a small glass went upstairs and told my dad I was going for a bath I ran the water got a wet flannel and bit it. At the same time, I cleaned it I screamed into the flannel in pain I put the water on so my parents couldn't hear me I led on the floor after this and cried to myself silently until I was done then I came out so my dad wouldn't think anything of it went back into my room and cried myself to sleep.

The second year of college wasn't too bad. I had a shit therapist who would tell me things that triggered my eating disorder and would make me feel suicidal. I remember going into her appointments feeling okay and come out feeling suicidal. I had good best mates in my life it was okay (I was still cutting through) thankfully. I am always thankful to this day my friends stopped me from going to this therapist as she made things worse I stopped seeing her for a few months if I didn't stop seeing her id be 6 feet under the ground with nothing to me but a skull.

I wasn't in therapy for a few months as I needed a break from it all until my cutting and suicidal feelings got worse, so I decided to get back into therapy with the help of my friend I had this lovely therapist called Sharon she stuck by me and suggested I go to the doctors, so I did. I was put in meds and probably diagnosed with my issues. However, id had them since I was at least eight or nine at least had some of them like anxiety. Things calmed down meds helped me but also affected me badly I got all of the side effects,( so that wasn't fun.) Still, things went pretty smoothly until university applications I was accepted into a good uni on a conditional offer. This all went wrong this was in 3rd year by the way my college fucked up and put me into The inappropriate exams I couldn't do the GCSE due to my mental health my therapist suggested I do not take it I was suicidal and cutting.

So I didn't get into the university I tried to get into another one they rejected me as I was about to give up hope my friend introduced me to clearing, and that's how I got into the university I'm in now.

Self-harm and suicidal thoughts still attack me, and I still struggle with simple things like just staying alive and not cutting. Each year I wonder am I going to make it to the next year or will I kill myself before the year ends its an achievement getting through the year and surviving it.

I have excellent people in my life now. I feel happy with where I am for the first time in my whole life. I've never felt pleased with the way things are going things usually fuck up. I'm pretty sure life will throw another obstacle my way eventually, but I'm sure one day it will get better. Self-harm will be in the past one day, not right now I'm not ready to stop altogether I can't physically do that (sorry). One day my mental illnesses will be manageable without the pain that comes with them now. Years down the line, I can say I WAS a self-harmer instead of I AM a self-harmer. That will be a while I still need to heal my emotional scars and finally be free from the monster that is depression. Depression is a war you either win or you die trying it's the worst beast of them all the strongest beast, but even the biggest worst beast can be beaten. I believe in all of you out there struggling with your depression. Suicidal thoughts depression can be beaten, look at those who have got through it google it many celebrities have depression and won the war in their head. People like Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Ellen DeGeneres and many more.

Depression is the silent killer it waits till your alone( i mean not alone physically; you could be in a room full of people and still feel alone. )

Then it strikes with false things about no one caring about you. But you are so much stronger than you think if you need support, there are people out there who care about you. You may feel alone but don't tell me in the world of billions, and billions of people, not one cares because that's not true I care.

It's okay not to be okay. I look back and see things do get better from the point I am now to the point I was six years ago things have changed, things may not work out to start with, but it will be okay. Still, they will work out one day this darkness your in will be light you won't have to struggle with the beats in your head the silent monsters that grip you with their claws and consume you alive.

So there you go that some of my battle with self-harm I will go into things a bit more in future. I hope you liked it is not the happiest (sorrrryyyyyyyyyyy ). Still, I hope I can inspire you and give you hope that it does get better and things will work out.

You probably have been told this thousand of but here is the Samaritans number they good and living is good once you get past the darkness of depression. You will get through this your strong enough!

Stay strong fighter!

love

Dino xx

summations:116 123

#blog #mental health #self destruction #self healing #self harrrm

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amazonite-dreams · 7 years

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Carols Book Babbles HP: A Flaming Cup of Pisssssss

Ok real talk. This one. This one right here is my favorite so far! This is the book where everything changes and I'm not even ready for it. YES this review is going to be much longer, but you know what, SHUT IT! JK Rowling kept making hers longer and longer and I don't hear anyone complaining about that? I can't even describe how much aggressive eating I did in this one until i was aggressively nopeNopeNOpeNOPE! Am I in need of medication? probably. Lets DO this THING!!!

1. If football was as exiting as quittage I’d be downstairs yelling at the tv with my boorish brother

2. The formation of spew is my favorite. (I’m-still-waiting-for-anti-discrimination activist-on-the-part-of-werewolves-though.)

3. Poor poor Winky (Last Chapter Addendum: WTF WINKY!!!!!)

4. I want to make a game where you stand next to a door and try to go through it without anyone noticing it. The next great meme challenge, call it platform 9 3/4

5. Haha boober tubers solve acne I get it! Ah puberty. So glad it never happened to me xD #worstyearsofmylife

6. I would love to know what moody taught his first years. I mean I respect him for not lying to the kids and treating them with respect but damn! He’s cold as ice and oh my god NEVIL! Come here baby, There’s coco in the kettle and kittens on the floor. you be alright buddy (Harry-could-use-some-selfcare-as-well) (Last Chapter Addendum: YOU SADISTIC BASTARD!)

7. Good things, bad things and everything’s come in threes, which is a brilliant set up for having a fourth champion (worst-things-come-in-7s-though)

8. You know, all the writers we’ve met so far in this world have been horrible lying people. I think it’s worth noting that not all writers are like that, and that if I were a witch that would probably be one of the jobs I would consider. I mean enchanted quils would make dealing with my dyslexia WAY easier and think of all the interesting stuff I could write about! Dream job if I do say so myself. (I’d probably make a magical baking book on how to make changing cupcakes and glitter exposing pies)

9. Ah time to bring it back, sing it with me kids “The Harry Potter didn’t ask to be famous and is getting real sick of this shit”

10. Note: if you write in a universe where there are dragons, you must have them appear in your series at least 3 times. (I-don’t-make-the-rules)

11. “‘No I’m fine!’ said Harry wondering why he kept telling people this and wondering whether he had ever been less fine” #mylife #relatable

12. Boys! Get in a fight, Don’t talk to each other for weeks and soon as they’ve made up it’s like it never even happened. ^is it weird i imagine this sentence in Hermione's voice

13. Despite my best attempts, I’ve become fascinated with blast ended skrewts

14. DOBYS BACK!!!

15. Christmas at Hogwarts sounds like the best Christmas! Baring the unfortunate name jokes that come with the season (I shit you not every year) I think I would really enjoy it. It also really warms my heart to imagine harry opening his presents every year. 4 for you Harry Potter

16. The Yule ball story line is a favorite of mine. The anguish and awkwardness of asking someone, rumors and hormones flowing, people suddenly getting improvements to their physical appearance. It all reminds me of something...

...Dances. It reminds me of high school and middle school dances. And while they were torture at the time, looking back at them with the benefit of hindsight and just how fruitful it all was gives me a sense of... I don’t know peace? Nostalgia? Some feeling of yes I was hopeless but so was everyone else, look at us all, little idiots we were! And we turned out just fine.

17. AAAAAWWW DOBY!!! (I’ll try not to repeat this as often as I want to)

18. I CANT BELIEVE DUMBLEDORE MENTIONED THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT AT THE YULE FEAST JESUS THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS ARE THERE!?!?!?

19. The ball itself is magical. (I aint even srry get@me)

20. Don’t get me wrong I love Ron, but he can be a bit of a misogynistic dick. I’m sure he will grow out of that though.

21. I love Hagrid! I love Hagrid with the recluse abandon of a thousand hugs and kisses! He’s just the best of humanity half giant or not!

22. The underwater challenge made me really aware of my breathing for a while. There are worse things (it’s not like I’ve been imagining a loved one drowning the past half a year lol hahaha kill me)

23. “You can measure a man by the way he treats his inferiors, not his equals.” Thank You Sensei Serious

24. Using the death eaters as an allegory for nazi soldiers after wwII is really powerful. A+. I feel like I should talk about this more but I honestly have nothing to add, well done.

25. NIFFLERS!!!

26. Barty crouch is the definition of father issues as far as I’m concerned.

27. And POOR NEVILLE! I will say this as often as I like because I don’t think it gets mentioned enough. Neville Longbottom went through just as much as Harry did and I am all for giving him his own series! #WBmakeithappen

28. Cedric is such a pure soul, just wants everything to be fair and working so hard like a good hufflepuff! Just a really good kid who’s going to grow into a wonderful wizard! I’m not prepared for what’s about to happen. Nope I am not ready. Oh I know it has to, I know there is a death of a pure character in every canon to represent the loss of innocence or some shit. But NO. Not this time. no...

...You bastard.

29. Im not going to comment on what happened in the graveyard. Perfect writing, heart wrenching, blah blah blah you get it. K? K. (holds back tears)

30. Yes this exactly. Yes Great! Treat it like a real traumatizing experience! Show it as something real and scaring and lasting that happened! Perfect. Absolutely perfect. I can't tell you how much it fucking annoys me when writers don't take this shit seriously, just wave it off without a care like “My characters to strong to experience real lose in a human way!” NO.

31. There are failures in political office... and then there’s Cornelius Fudge.

Sorry about the late upload, life been very busy lately with the sis getting married. To be perfectly honest this book is just as good as I remembered. Ive always regarded it as my favorite though that might change around Half-blood Prince (I read that one A LOT cus I had the CDs of that one.) As for right now I think I need a little break from Harry. Its not him its me, not ready to get my soul crushed. Lets see how this format works on a brand spankin new book from one of my favorite Internet personalities John Green. Ill come back to HP after that so see you next time for...

Now With %1000 More Turtles!

also

HP: Committee for the prevention of stupid

#Harry Potter #Harry potter and the goblet of fire #Carols book babbles

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