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bliphany · 7 months

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The Coffee was not drugged. The Coffee reflected how we related to our own and other people's free will (of making one’s own choice)

So I read this post and agreed with it so much I felt myself vibrating. After a few hours of thinking about it, I wanted to ramble more under op’s post, initially, but found that it grew way too long. So, I decided to make a separate post.

After two months since Good Omens season 2 finale, my view of various theories/metas concerning the final fifteen minutes is that, I am okay with most of them as long as they don't erase Aziraphale’s agency.

Did Aziraphale genuinely want to fix Heaven with Crowley but with Crowley’s strong refusal he took the second best thing he thought he could get? I’m fine with that.

Did Aziraphale tried to fix Heaven to make it worthy of Crowley, the world he loved, and his idea of real goodness (he wouldn’t see the world suffer if he could help it) and with the newly-gained information of Second Coming he made his choice even though it broke his heart? I liked this a lot. It was my initial thought right after the finale and I’m still about 65-70% standing by this take.

Did Aziraphale lie to gain more wiggle room in an urgent, intense, and limited-resource situation while due to his own and Crowley’s backgrounds and characteristics they also hurt each other in the process? YES YES YES. Right now this is my favorite interpretation because it’s a realistic and complex bag of limitation/repression from the system, individual’s agency despite of it, free will and choices (never means we won’t make mistakes but always means we can still choose to do something), and their mutual (mis)understandings and relationship dynamics. It’s SO GOOD. It can lead to so many possibilities. It has its depth and enough twist for both characters and the audience. It well-reflected our world and can bring valuable discussions.

Was there something we weren’t shown and actually Aziraphale and Crowley had come up with some plan? I’m okay with that it might be fun.

What I personally don’t want (aside from “oh it’s all God’s plan God wanted them to love each other God is one of us”… but that’s another post I guess…) is to erase the weight of Aziraphale’s choice at the end of Season 2, along with all the good and bad and everything in between it could bring to the table and all the valuable exploration of “how could we thrive to make hard choices even (especially) under limited circumstances, with "a cup of coffee."

I believe that coffee did mean something though...

"Give me Coffee/Freedom or give me death."

Coffee means freedom to choose and free will. Coffee/freedom which Aziraphale was half-forced to take, meaning the “free” choice pushed upon you weren’t as “free” as it seemed after all. Especially true under our current capitalism world, wasn't it? But it was not completely drunk without Aziraphale's agency, either. Coffee/freedom which Crowley asked six shots of. Coffee/freedom which Nina served every day but still on her way to break free from a previous not-free situation. Coffee/freedom which Ms. Sandwich claimed tasted better when Nina was happy.

I think it's also worth mentioning that, Aziraphale served Muriel tea and demonstrated how to drink it but respected their choice not to drink just yet. Aziraphale invited Jim/Gabriel to have a cup of cocoa which Jim/Gabriel described as the best thing ever.

The coffee was not drugged. The coffee was a metaphor of many different ways people could relate to their free will and ability/responsibility to choose.

The most interesting part was, theoretically, we people praise free will, we value choices, and we love love characters to have their agency...

Until they made a choice that we personally don't like, against our point of view, or hurt us.**

**This is also why I never truly believed Crowley would Refuse Aziraphale with capital R in canon... Crowley was definitely heartbroken, but between the two of them, he was also the one who valued and respected people making their own choices more. We saw he did that again and again even when he didn't personally agree. The only once he "took" away others choice in canon was to prevent a suicide.**

Then, that was free will no more. We'd framed it as if said individual was nonconsensual. Or the relationship must be bad or unhealthy. Which was understandable, emotionally, but that was also exactly the point of people having free will, wasn't it?

Giving people agency means acknowledging that they are different individuals from us. There's connection. There's love. There's devotion. They're still their own person just like we are our own. Giving people freedom to choose means they might, will, and should be allowed to choose differently. If their choices break our hearts. Well, they break our hearts. That happens because people are people.

People can't truly choose/love us freely if they aren't also given the freedom to not choose/love us. (Not saying Aziraphale and Crowley didn’t love each other because they definitely do. I’m just saying, they’ve been co-shaping humanity from the start of course they would act more and more like people, and to paraphrase what Adam once said, it made no sense to make people people and then be mad at them when they acted like, well, people)

Ursula Le. Guin wrote this short story called "Nine Lives" and it was about real, meaningful connections were created by reaching out a hand in the dark, without knowing for sure whether there would be other people to reach back.

It’s a practice. To love and to love under the blessing and curse of free will choice.

Idk I’m just… the “coffee was drugged theory” especially didn’t make sense to me personally, because Good Omens has always been a story about human free will.

#good omens #good omens meta #aziraphale #aziracrow #ineffable husbands #Aziraphale’s choice #my good omens meta

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mx-ryder · 2 months

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Some thoughts on Hazbin Hotel

I literally just watched HH this week, followed by binging Helluva Boss on YouTube right after. And my Dash is full of HH and HB stuff now. And the other day I saw someone posted their thoughts on the show, including one specific take that it falls right back under the typical "Sinners are bad but hey, we can fix them!" sort of trope. (I really don't know if I'll be able to find the post again, if I do, I'll reblog/link it here or something).

And hey, I'm not gonna argue that it doesn't, per se. I just think there's a bit more to it than that.

c.w for general religious trauma talk, SA mentions, drug use/abuse, alcohol use, addiction, gambling, probably other things I'm not thinking of

(Also please don't feel like you have to read this. It's literally just me rambling because I haven't been able to stop thinking about this topic all fucking day, so I wrote it down to get it out of my head. Obviously if you read it and want to comment/continue the discussion, feel free. Just please. Be respectful.)

Now.

All my thoughts on HH are very much colored by my past experiences with religion, US christianity, specifically. More specifically still, the sort of christianity that makes people believe that "home schooling" their kids, isolating and indoctrinating them away from anyone who might make them question it all, is the best course of action. I grew up bouncing from church to church, from home schooling co-op to co-op, all so my bio-mom could find the exact group to echo her own sentiments back at her.

Among the things I grew up believing were great ideas such as:

Sexuality is inherently disgusting, and something you should always be forcing down/avoiding/punishing yourself about. Masturbation, porn, sex before marriage, dressing "immodestly", and any sexuality outside of heterosexual were inherently evil and worthy of punishment. Sometimes that punishment was being assaulted, because really, she should've covered up, right? Girls, sometimes girls as young as 12-13 (if not younger) were villainized for wearing tank-tops and shorts, because they were causing the boys to stumble and immodesty was a moral failing on their part.

Drugs, alcohol, substances in general, are bad and wrong and using them, or heaven forbid becoming addicted, is a moral failing on your part. You are a bad person for consuming a drug, and therefore deserve to fall into addiction, houselessness, starvation, and/or abuse.

Poor people deserve it. Accepting help of any kind is leeching off good, hard-working people. Your worth as a person is directly tied to your ability to be a "productive member of society."

Any mental health issues are your fault, and are either because you don't believe in jesus hard enough, or because you're inherently broken and sinful and therefore unsaveable. There is no room for sympathy or empathy for anyone struggling.

There's a reason these are the same stereotypical archetypes you see in this sort of show. The queer sex-addict. The gambler. The "weirdo" who isn't like other people and enjoys "weird" things, or enjoys things "too much". Even just the party-girl character. Because these aren't just stereotypes. These are actual entire groups of people who are ostracized and vilified just for being who they were born to be, for making choices christians don't like, or for being sick.

And that brings me to Angel Dust. Who, by the way, I wish I could've been given a content warning about, because holy shit Ep 4 and Addict hit me really fucking hard. My friend recommended the show to me without having watched it, so I went in not expecting that sort of storyline to punch me in the gut out of nowhere.

Anyway! Angel Dust! Literally named after a drug. A gay porn star who flirts shamelessly with anyone and everyone, who proudly shows off his best films to his friends, who secretly hates his job, not because of the sex, as we come to find out, but because he's under the thumb of a fucking psycho who treats him like shit and actively physically, sexually, and mentally/emotionally abuses him. He's basically been trafficked, and hates that he doesn't have any say in what happens to him in front of the camera. It's a horrifying position to be in, and one that left me a little shaken up, tbf.

The take I'm mostly writing this based on is that Hazbin Hotel falls into the trite tropes of "rich white girl attempts to fix people who are below her" and specifically mentioned disappointment in how Charlie didn't try to argue that Angel Dust didn't deserve hell based only on his addiction or sexual past, but that she instead claimed that she could "fix him."

And I just . . . think that's a little bit of a black/white take.

For the first part, what would people rather she do? Put all her time, effort, influence, and power into trying her damnedest to help her people, who are being slaughtered by the thousands every year just because Adam is bored? Or sit at home and use all that time, effort, influence, and power to make rubber duckies like her father? She could just ignore everything going on, call it hopeless, give up, and ignore the suffering of her people. Would that be better? Would that satisfy this weird little "she's just a rich white girl with privilege" gripe?

Charlie is a rich girl. A princess. Someone with huge amounts of privilege, power, influence, etc. But you know what? She's also stuck in hell. She was born there, through no fault or choice of her own, and because of who her parents are, she is trapped in literal hell, with no hope of ever, ever ascending to heaven. She does not get a chance at redemption, because she was born to the wrong people. She is a young woman who was born into horrifying circumstances, living in a world that she frequently expresses disgust for (her frequent discomfort with sexuality, her disgust toward the cannibals, her dislike of violence, even necessary self-defense).

And she still loves her people and wants to see the best in them.

She would be completely justified in hating everything about hell, her life, the people around her, her parents, heaven, everything, really. She has every right to hate her entire existence, but she puts all that hatred for the system into her efforts to fucking do something about it. Why is that a bad thing, just because she was born into a position of power and authority??

And now on to Angel Dust.

Charlie never once makes a judgement call about Angel or his habits, his work, or his personality. She expresses discomfort with the sexual nature of his work (tbh wouldn't be surprised if she's a sex-repulsed ace), but she does not think he's a bad person because of his work. Nor does she think that he needs to stop doing his work in order to become a better/good person. When she tries to get him some time off, she's explicitly doing it because she wants him to have time to decompress and participate in activities at the hotel, not because she wants him doing less of his specific kind of work.

She never condemns his partying, either. She has a bar in her hotel! She defends him partying, right to heaven's face, because she knows everyone present has partied, everyone has enjoyed a drink with friends. There is no condemnation of his partying activities, and I don't think she ever makes it seem as though Angel needs fixing.

What I got out of that episode, watching Charlie passionately defending her friend in front of the worst fucking person in the universe, was that people do not need to be fixed, but some love and support can help them make better choices for themselves. Angel still has a good time. He still has his job (contract, y'know, but would probably be in the industry regardless). The only thing different about that particular night of partying is that he's out with people who care about him, and who he cares about.

Even Cherri, though she expresses some joking disappointment that he's spending so much time worrying about Nifty, doesn't actually seem that put out by it. She teases him a little, but leaves him to do his thing. And his thing is making sure his friend, who is less experienced at partying (and who is significantly smaller/more vulnerable than most other people), is safe and okay. His thing is defending his friends from an extremely dangerous person, at massive risk to his own personal safety.

And he didn't do any of this because he'd been "fixed" or because he'd "changed." He did it because, for possibly the first time ever, he has people around him who love and care for him, and who want the best for him. And who he loves and wants the best for in return. He said himself that he stays out of his mind on substances, allows himself to be drugged and assaulted, puts on this persona of care-free-crack-whore-who-only-thinks-about-sex, because he is trying everything in his power to dull the pain he's in. Because he doesn't believe he deserves any better.

And this, this is what Charlie is trying to show Heaven. She is trying to show them that there is nothing morally damning about alcohol consumption, or even drug use, sex work, or anything that makes Angel who he is. She's trying to show them that, with some love, care, and support, with a safe place to call home, with their base physical and emotional needs being met, people don't need to resort to the sort of destructive behavior heaven/Adam is condemning! People can choose to engage in these behaviors safely, consciously, and with people around them who want them to be safe and have a good time.

Then we get on to the idea that this entire episode ends on. Heaven doesn't know how people get there. They don't know what it takes to be "good enough" for heaven. Sera herself admits that Adam was just "the first soul in heaven," all but admitting that he's just there because he defaulted into it. (Though that does make me wonder, what about Abel? He would have died long before Adam, and considering how long Adam lived, and that there were plenty of other people around by the time he would have died, where were all those souls going??).

And Adam is the fucking worst! He is literally the worst, most selfish, violent, vulgar soul in the entire show, but he is allowed in heaven, for reasons no one even understands.

You know what the difference is between Adam and Angel?

Adam can't be fixed.

His behaviors are all destructive, not to himself, but to others. He insults, abuses, hurts, and kills with abandon. He made this weird, shitty deal with Hell and Lucifer because he wanted to murder innocent souls, because he was bored, and the rest of heaven doesn't even know about it. He has free reign to be an absolute piece of shit to everyone around him, damaging people left and right, and he will never face any sort of justice for it, because hey, he's already in heaven!

But Angel? Angel's behavior is all self-destructive. Again. He gets fucked up to dull his immense pain. He allows himself to be drugged and assaulted because he believes he deserves it. Because he's been told, for who knows how many thousands of years, that he's a whore anyway, so why shouldn't he be free to use for anyone who wants to take him? He has been beaten down, physically, emotionally, sexually, until he's a shell of a person who is struggling to find any reason to continue his shitty existence.

And he hurts only himself.

I mean, okay, he does piss off Husk sometimes, crosses boundaries/etc. But he and Husk pretty clearly fix that between themselves. There's no lasting damage there, and idk if anyone else noticed, but he stops that behavior pretty much entirely after that ep.

Angel is hurting. He is hollow, and hopeless, and trapped. And he does not need to be fixed, nor does Charlie ever attempt to do so.

All she does is reach out a hand, and say, "Hey, I see that you're struggling. This place is fucked up, isn't it? Maybe I can help."

Charlie is a flawed person. She takes her privilege for granted. She feels the immense weight of her choices, and the pressure of having taken responsibility for a people who may never want her help. She messes up, because somehow, she's endlessly cheerful and optimistic, despite her upbringing and the world she grew up in.

Charlie is flawed. But she's trying her fucking best. She isn't trying to fix. She's trying to help.

We all need some help, every now and then, don't we?

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tearsofalonelyprince · 2 years

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Leviathan is actually OP: Expansion Pack

Alright here’s all of the reasons why Leviathan is OP as FUCK. [ This is the quick version. ]

Now before we begin! These are just part of my personal Levi headcanons and in no way am I caught up to the lore. I just re-read the fanwiki to fact check.

Also spoiler warning for Levi Lore!

Alright now let’s get into this Gamers!

First things first, what is a Leviathan in the first place? It’s a big ass sea monster (A Sea Serpent if you wanna get specific) that’s on a level similar or, dare I say, better than Angels. They are neither Angel nor Demon but something entirely in their own lane. Depending on what lore you read it is either the Embodiment of Chaos itself or just straight up some weird, scary, powerful thing God threw in the ocean. Honestly I like the juxtaposition of this snake. It furthers the Levi OP Theory I have.

Now, as we all know our own Levi is a water snake as well. He obviously isn’t always a big, monstrous snake, but from his demon form alone it’s likely he’s able to transform into one if we are going off the logic that Demons can appear as whatever they want to be seen as. BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT MAKES HIM OP! What truly got me thinking about the fact that Leviathans aren’t seen in heaven. So just how did he become a General of the Celestial Army as an Angel? Personally, my head cannon is that Mammon found him while running away from Michael one day but that’s besides the point. Also, Generals are pretty high in ranking so this also begs the question of just what type of angel was he? Whatever he was, he had to be pretty strong in the Celestial Realm to be that high in their Army, right?

This brings me to his rank among the brothers. Leviathan is the Third strongest Demon Lord and is the Grand Admiral of Hell’s Navy. That’s a pretty high fucking ranking out of every single demon in the Devildom. Yet despite this high ranking Leviathan is often seen as “weak” and “out of shape” to the point that he can’t jump rope or run one lap around the HoL. Most often attribute this to him being a chronic gamer and rarely ever leaving his room. I, however, call bullshit.

There is no way he’s the Grand Admiral of the Navy and he’s out of shape! It just doesn’t make sense!!!

The fact that he still has that title not only implies that he’s still very much in that position, but Hell’s Navy is still functioning. Now I don’t know shit about how the navy works or anything like that but I do know that’s not a position you can still have by sitting on your ass all day. The fact that he’s “out of shape” also contradicts directly with the fact that he uploads dance videos on Deviltube to support his idols. As someone who has tried to do idol dances, there is no fucking way he’s doing that if he can’t even jump rope. I’m being serious. Knowing that Levi likes anime character types like Ruri-chan and a group called “Starlet Hearts” leads me to believe he’s probably doing “cutesy” idol dances which are often high-energy and have a bunch of jumping.

If you’re curious on just much jumping, energy, and coordination goes into these types dances then I implore you to watch [ This classic cover ] and think about how this is the style of dances that Levi is most likely uploading on to Deviltube. And seeing how one of his videos goes viral, he’s probably very good at it too.

Now think about how he “can’t jump rope and run around the HoL”. It’s not possible that both are correct.

If you’re still not convinced that Levi is OP as fuck then I offer you this nugget of information. Leviathan says if he was in water then he and Mammon would be on the same level pretty much. Mammon, who is the fastest demon in the entire Devildom and has more control over his power than all 6 of his brothers. Mammon the Second strongest Demon Lord in the Devildom. Now fact check me if I’m wrong (which I could be, I haven’t been able to find the screenshot of him saying this), but this just further pushes into my fish out of water analogy. Leviathan has a terrifying amount of strength in the water not just from his muscles but the powers he possesses as well.

Leviathan calls himself the “Master of Water itself” when summoning Lotan. He has the power to not only summon Lotan, who is older (and most likely more powerful ) than Levi, but also can control all of the magical creatures in the sea. Pair this with the fact that he can conjure a trident and throw it like it’s a baseball…. He’s Strong as fuck! Let’s not even get into the fact that in mythology the Leviathan is like a younger version of Lotan. The sheer amount of power it would take to have control over every single magical creature in the ocean is mind boggling. One would think the Avatar of Envy would want to have the image of being the strongest so others could envy him, right?

Wrong.

There’s two reasons for why Levi could be not showing his full strength and when combined offer a whole new view of our lovely shut-in.

Reason one: Self-Esteem

It’s been shown to us time and time again that Levi has a low self-esteem to the point where he regularly calls himself a “lowly otaku”. He truly believes he doesn’t deserve the basic decency that is MC wanting to hang out with him. To me, this implies that Levi truly doesn’t see himself as a strong being. He sees his power to summon Lotan as a boost of an intimidation, not strength. So for him, the Title of Grand Admiral is the equivalent of a beginner rank he got in a game. It’s the bare minimum. He thinks anyone could do it. He takes his place as third place and nothing more because he doesn’t think he’s anything better then that. He convinces himself that all of his brothers must be stronger despite his obvious skills.

Reason two: Strategy

Being the Grand Admiral of Hell’s Navy means you have to lead hundreds if not thousands of troops. You have to have plans on top of plans for everything. You can’t lead a squad into a fight without a good strategy. You can’t tell me Leviathan doesn’t know how to strategize with all of the games he plays either. As a gamer myself, I can tell you right now I’ve used my knowledge in games to get through completely new games easily just based on general knowledge. Being the leader of such a group also requires meticulous planning skills which Levi definitely plans. You can’t play multiple on-going games and not plan how to play events if you want to get the best rank in them. Knowing Levi, he probably applies this logic in everyday life. Whether it’s from anxiety or not, Levi goes as far as to plan out how conversations go which further help him prepare for any outcomes. He also probably has incredible pattern recognition as well from all of the different games he plays. That’s something that’s incredibly useful when seeing how past battles have gone down or how to spot any inconsistencies. Now here’s where it ties into the Levi Op Theory. I believe Leviathan uses his gamer/otaku image to throw everyone off of his trail as the third strongest. After all, what better strategy to best your enemies is there then to fool them into thinking you’re weak and frail? If everyone thinks you can’t even run around the house then they will underestimate you in battle. Spending hours charting Devildom maps out is nothing compared to memorizing the entire map to 6 different games with expansion packs plus rhythm game master charts. Defeating an entire battalion is nothing more than a flick of the wrist when the entire battalion is only 50 low rank demons. The Avatar of Envy is such because those around him are jealous of the seemingly random power boosts he gets in battle.

Combine those two together and you get a wave of pure nightmare fuel because the boss you’re fighting against has 4 extra stages that he didn’t even know about.

Leviathan is a UR++ card hidden behind the guise of an already upgraded S rank card.

Okay I think that’s all of my thoughts on why Levi is OP. Feel free to let me know your thoughts. To put the icing on the cake, I didn’t even plan for Levi to become one of my comfort characters but he’s among my top 5 Obey Me best boys now lmao

#obey me #obey me! shall we date?#obey me headcanons #obey me leviathan #obey me levi hc #obey me shall we date #obey me hcs #obey me crack

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officiallralsei · 1 year

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ok since you all have been asking for it: here's my ramble/essay on Why Being A Darkner Sucks. also read this post by @tvlandofficial as a sort of starter introduction to my thoughts first since the op lays out most of the basics for me. sorry in advance for this being sorta disorganized and rambly; I slept very little last night so im just gonna blurt out my thoughts now and then maybe type up a neater and prettier version of them later for a more formal essay lol

so we all know that darkners are represented via objects in the light world. seam is a plushie, queen appears to be a specific program in a computer, lancer is a card, etc, etc. they don't appear to be aware that they are literally objects, mind, but they do believe that they exist to serve lightners and that without being useful they lack a reason to exist. a version of the toy story problem, if you will.

this is horrific for multiple reasons.

there's a lot of purely physical considerations. imagine being an object. if you break, do you have a guarantee someone will fix you? do you just have to deal with it if they don't fix you? (yes.) imagine your whole world and existence being represented by objects in a room. what if a higher being can just scoop you up and take you away from everything you've ever known? what if a higher being comes in and decides that, actually, they'd really like to smash you apart and leave you that way? or smash apart the room that is your world? you don't have a way to protest that.

then we get to the psychological. okay, so you, and everyone you know, purportedly get some level of fulfillment/satisfaction from being used. that's horrific on an ethical level (imagine being psychologically engineered to enjoy existing for someone else's benefit!) but also just horrific in general. what if being used burns you out or torments you in some way? is that possible? what if the beings you rely on to give you that satisfaction abandon you? can you even easily find happiness once those beings are gone? what would losing that purpose do to someone?

well, we get our answer, and we get it literally in spades! both the route bosses and the secret bosses deal HEAVILY with the consequences of potentially losing that purpose. spades king raging against the lightners, queen wishing to control them in some ways, jevil claiming that true freedom is found in his prison, spamton desperately and wretchedly trying to claw his way to heaven. and seam, also, with their worn body and extreme nihilism. losing the purpose that gives their lives meaning fucks a darkner up bad.

and losing that meaning... it's kind of inevitable! all objects break someday. this isn't a bad thing in the real world, since objects don't have people attached to them. we can just throw things out if we don't need them anymore. but to a darkner, this represents irreparable psychological suffering. we don't see much evidence that darkners know how to construct meaning for themselves. once the light abandons them, that's it. they're done. they can rage at it or claw at it to get it back, but ultimately, it's pretty futile. there's no escaping that fate.

so they're stuck at the whims of these higher beings. no way out of it, no real agency within it. even objects that are very loved will likely be abandoned or broken someday. look at seam! they appear to be someone's favorite plushie once upon a time! and now they're just a jaded old creature in their shop. being free of the lightners just means fading into despair. a darkner will be used, or it will lose all meaning. these two very terrible options are the only ones they have. they don't even get to pick which one they get.

there's also the level of horror that is the lightners' ignorance to all this! tvlandofficial has a really good take on it with their characterization of tenna: she worships toriel, but toriel is just a lady watching television. she doesn't know there's guys in there! and they don't know she's just an ordinary person! granted, this is a fanon take, but I think it's a really good one. it highlights the fact that the darkners are dependent on beings who are completely unaware of their existence.

(by the way, this has slowly become my favorite headcanon for why kris' side of the room doesn't have more than the bare minimum. I like the idea that kris found out about darkners, was freaked the hell out by the idea of their objects being people who are forced to serve them, and threw it all away in an attempt to liberate them. this is also the reason why the TV keeps getting unplugged - kris feels weird about using it and so unplugs it frequently. now this SUCKS as a method of liberation for reasons I've already outlined, but I quite like the idea that kris is a compassionate kid who doesn't have the best grasp on what they're doing. they canonically have a tendency to project their own struggle for agency re: the player onto other things, if the game's narration is anything to go by. they may have thought that simply stopping their usage of the objects would fix the problem, since the player stopping their possession would certainly help THEM.)

it sucks. there's no way out. ralsei, the character who seems to be the most aware of what his position as a darkner means (he knows about the light world's layout! he knows that darkners are objects! and he knows about the player!) appears to be pretty entrenched in justifying the horror inherent to his own existence, but I think it's a losing battle. being calm about unimaginable cruelty won't help you through it. it'll just blind you to your own suffering and the suffering of others. something's got to give. these characters have got to have agency.

and what will give them that?

well. I think that whatever method kris eventually finds to permanently break free of our control, they won't leave the darkners behind. someday, I'm certain, all of them will be free. what that means exactly is still up to the future of the story, but I'm very sure it'll happen. the implications of this world suck, kris' agency is a struggle that's centered, and it's reflected in the darkners. there's gonna be a payoff somewhere that frees them of their fates.

#admin #THERE. rambly essay completed. maybe mild spoilers for the end of this rp but like. come on.#im not gonna leave ralsei to be the omelas child forever. he WILL revolutionize the world #it will just take time :)

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merryspark · 3 months

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Uh NO, another UP!date!

Oi My Beloved Followers Friends!

I hope this New Year will be awesome amazing for all of You! No more depression from my side, I came with rock-hard facts!! :D

Let me begin with some infos what you gonna be see from me in the upcoming weeks:

- finished asks from my box (for example BeeFormers, Human Barricade, etc.)

- finished old projects, like:

1.) You can meet Mr Flimsy and find out the end of the story;

2.) See the last page of one of my fav comic sheets how Cross doubted OP;

3.) Follow my new skill I learn from tutos bc I am a home-person currently lol - this keychain plushie I am working on is Ezreal from the LoL band Heartsteel. My li'l Sis pushed me to make it, she designed the sheets for me about the keychain, which was only the background element of an official LoL art, so we had to plan everything for ourselves to own this plushie, call it to life cuz the merch does not exist yet:

Talking about plushies, I have my excuse for missing the whole december - not just my home-problems: I worked really hard to make her an Oliver Aiku plushie from her fav anime BlueLock - it was my first job, and I did not find the perfect fabrics in the shops, so as you'll see below, it is not my peak work, but I keep practicing to make BeeFormers plushies in the future. :)

It was not an option to keep ya'll updated, because at daytime while she's at school we talk via Tumblr chat, so I would unmask my secret with any post about it, and would definitely bust my own sorry-ass in a minute. ;D Also, I learned to make embodiery (!!!) - some fatass teardrops escaped from my eye, because I bet my granny laughed her ass off from Heaven: when I was a lazy teenager, I've never planned the learn things from her (though she was an official women's tailor), even She called me into her room, and now She has to see I am learning the same stuff from YT videos... hahaha... How the turntables...

I am so sorry I was a bit sad in the close past in comments, sometimes things pull me down - like missing friends I left behind the city; friends from abroad I cannot spend enough time with: sometimes it feels I am invisible, and everybody stepped over, and continue their lives, the challenges they meet day by day, and I don't fit in their lives anymore. It is hard to handle problems at home, while I just try to be happy, but others are unsatisfied with their own life, so they try to ruin others'... So nevermind, I just wanted to reach out to all of you, because I Love You SO MUCH, and I am greatful for following me on Tumblr and other sites (which I shall Update as well...), because you look after me, and never get tired to text me, ask me, love my drawings!!!

You're the reason this blog is still good and produces new and quite acceptable pictures! :D 💚🩵💙🖤

Down below you gonna see Oliver plushie step by step, and more is to come ( sadly I have got only two hands, so cannot draw and sew at the same time )!!!

Thank you for reading!

I love you all!!

Note: this was the sample I used:

And I started the embodiery of the eyes (peak of my life by Daph):

To be continued....

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itsclydebitches · 1 year

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I’m compelled on this Halloween night to throw in my two cents about the whole Cinder issue currently being discussed in the RWDE/Anti-RWDE tags. Because there’s nothing scarier than a badly constructed story :D

More seriously though, the problem isn’t a clear cut failing on the part of a character (Emerald didn’t tell RWBYJNOR that Cinder was in Atlas), or on the part of critics (Stupid RWDE forgot a basic plot-point again). The problem is that RWBY doesn’t have the characters communicate on screen so we, the audience, are perpetually confused about how much the characters actually know. And if you’re not confused, that’s likely because you’re assuming something to clarify the writing on RT’s behalf, an assumption that other RWBY fans might not share.

Things start out fairly straightforward in Volume 7:

Robyn’s party is attacked and the heroes realize that Tyrian is the culprit. At this point they can theorize that other villains like Cinder might be nearby.

The black, glass chess piece is left in Ironwood’s office. The characters now know pretty conclusively that Cinder is in Atlas, but not where.

With the exception of the Hound, the beginning of Volume 8 puts most of its emphasis on our antagonists instead, having the heroes face off against Ironwood (thematically) and the Ace Ops (literally). This leaves the main villains like Cinder as a side-note, at least from the heroes’ perspective.

Penny fights Cinder in Amity Tower but with the exception of Maria, she’s the only fighter who knows that Cinder is there.

Penny is then hacked and falls, spending the next few episodes unconscious/fighting Watts’ influence. There’s no time for her to report Cinder shenanigans. Meanwhile, heaven only knows what happened to Maria. She might not even be alive, let alone in a position to inform the group about Cinder.

Now, does Penny tell the group everything that happened when she comes back to herself? We don’t know because RWBY skips over important character conversations. This is a major problem for scenes involving secrets and subjective details (like Oscar telling Ironwood about Salem), but it also makes it really hard to keep track of what characters know about basic plot points too, things the audience has omniscient knowledge of, but that characters spread across a kingdom without reliable communication would need to piece together somehow. Did that happen off screen? We don’t know.

However, the last time Penny saw Cinder she was unconscious from their fight. Even if she did tell the group everything in between the hack and the group’s dining room conversation about Ambrosius, her report would likely include something like, “Cinder was out of commission last time I saw her.” AKA, maybe she’s not something we need to worry about right now.

Cinder is also carried back to the whale. Yang, Ren, Jaune, and Oscar don’t see her there. The whale then explodes, leaving the heroes intact, but Hazel vaporized.

Does the group realize Cinder got out before then? No, they don’t. They only encounter Emerald, Hazel, and Salem. Qrow and Robyn might have a decent idea that Cinder was the one who attacked their jail cell, but they’ve been in a separate group this whole time, unable to communicate with Ruby and the others.

Would the group assume that Cinder was killed if she was still in the whale? Who knows because we and the characters both don’t understand how Ozpin’s magic cane works. It appears to have damaged one person, but left everyone else intact. So Cinder is maybe unconscious. Maybe dead. Maybe off somewhere else entirely.

Now, flash-forward to the end of Volume 8 where the group is shocked - shocked, I say - to find Cinder thwarting their plans once more. Which leaves us with two main interpretations:

The group forgot that their longest-running villain was in the city trying to kill them. This makes the group of supposedly competent fighters look REALLY stupid. Personally, I subscribe to this reading because the episode’s final line is Ruby saying she hopes they’ve “thought of everything” and we close in on Cinder smiling evilly. That’s cinematography 101 for, “Oh no, the characters DIDN’T remember everything! Cinder is about to throw a wrench in their perfect plans!” The story HEAVILY implies that the group forgot about her.

However, if we want to be charitable towards the characters and assume (that’s the kicker, we’re always assuming in this show) that they remembered that Cinder was a threat in a general sense, then their surprise must stem from her remaining a threat right now. AKA, based on limited info from Penny, they may belief that Cinder has been temporarily defeated. Most of the heroes haven’t seen her in person. Penny was the last one to fight her and successfully knocked Cinder out. She was then taken to Bad Guys HQ, which subsequently blew up. Oh, and the former villain in their ranks hasn’t mentioned her at all. It’s likely that the heroes would have a “no news is good news” approach. Surely if Emerald isn’t bringing Cinder up as a problem, then she’s not a problem. If the characters are keeping Cinder in mind, the logical conclusion is that she’s not currently a threat, at least for the time being, because otherwise their new source of villain info totally would have mentioned that. She’s either still K.O.ed, or potentially even dead depending on what Ozpin’s magic might have done to her.

If you’re a former bad guy defecting to the heroes and are trying to prove your worth, it might be a good idea to mention that your boss, the one the hero sitting across from you recently defeated, actually recovered very fast, was tortured a bit, and then got sent on another mission to secure Watts. So she’s back out there causing problems! She’s on task right now to fuck things up with the brilliant scientist that took out your heat, crippled your defenses, and maimed Atlas’ general! That’s good to know, right? As we manage civilian evacuations and try to safely leave Atlas behind, maybe we should take a moment to consider what enemies are still out there and how to combat them? You know, the enemies one of us has intimate knowledge of because she was their peer all of an hour ago?

But we don’t get anything like this because RWBY’s characters don’t talk. It’s stupid both that Emerald didn’t offer information and that no one was grilling her on it. Instead of hashing out who knows what and why that’s important, we’re given vague speeches about the ethics of the situation, always culminating in a, “Everyone is on the same side!” conclusion. Except everyone isn’t. There are clear heroes and villains in RWBY, so it’s weird for the cast (a very large cast, I might add, supposedly filled with various viewpoints and approaches to their problems) to forget about one of the most prominent villains they’ve ever known. It’s even weirder that if they didn’t forget and instead assumed that they were safer than they actually were, that the former villain, Cinder-obsessed character didn’t correct them in-between giggling about her previous death toll.

The fact that Emerald doesn’t struggle at all to leave Cinder and Cinder, in turn, has no reaction to Emerald’s betrayal just highlights how little thought went into this “redemption” arc. If the story can’t be bothered to tackle the biggest emotional beats of that decision, why would it hash out the nuances of the heroes’ strategy and how having unexpected, insider information into Salem’s group would drastically change that? The only thing Emerald does in Volume 8 is (unnecessarily) trick Ironwood, when her status as a former villain should have been used for SO much more, including clarifying for the audience what the characters think is happening with their enemies and how Emerald’s info might change those assumptions.

#rwde #rwby #mymetas

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plasticpony4 · 3 months

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♡ My 2023 retrospective: egl version ♡ PART 2/9

During the month of February, I also bought these shoes from a normie shop to use both in lolita and in normie outfits. You'll see them again later. I think they look good in lolita coords, especially with velveteen. I also got these bracelet and ring from Etsy.

A random building from the place where I live. I think it's pretty.

But the main event of February was the Divina Commedia tea party in Rome. It was my first international lolita tea party and I was very nervous. I had been planning my coord for one year, because it was the year I got back into lolita after a long hiatus and I had to gather all the right pieces.

The theme of the event was Dante's Divina Commedia with its heaven, hell and purgatory. My coord was inspired by Naples's cult of the souls of purgatory. I even prepared a QR code for people to scan and read this little thing I wrote about it, but only one person actually scanned it.

I went with my friends Ilaria and @saturnia-pyri, but I look bad in every photo. If I could go back in time I wouldn't wear that wig, but I would probably have the same awkward face and poses. I'm so glad I got the chance to see my friends in that occasion, though.

All in all it was a really beautiful event, it made me fall in love with this fashion even more. The clothes in the fashion show were gorgeous too. Seeing so many lolitas in one room is amazing, I loved how everyone was dressed, even the ones that were wearing other substyles that I don't usually like.

Me and my other friends also went to this cute café in Rome and we even got some macarons at the train station!

When I got back home from this wonderful trip, I was motivated to try something different from what I would normally wear.

This is an example of that. Which makes me realize that I did, in fact, wear this ETC jsk in one lolita coord: this one. It's a bit too much old school leaning for my taste, but it's still okay. Coord rundown: Jsk: Tea Cup Print Sleeveless OP by Emily Temple Cute Blouse: Baby the stars shine bright Bolero: Bodyline Socks: Angelic Pretty Everything else: Off-brand

March

In March I got these two things off lace market: the first one is this lovely pink AP blouse that I haven't worn yet (it was already too hot for long sleeves at the time); and the other one is this AP sailor cutsew that I did wear a couple of times, but not in a lolita coord.

March was also the month of our first meet of the year. We had a lovely picnic and visited our local botanical garden.

[END OF PART 2/9]

#egl #2023 #summer tales #angelic pretty #tomoyo's atelier #vitae essentia #mine #diary #emily temple cute #baby the stars shine bright #alice and the pirates #killstar #alchemy gothic #black peace now #fidel david #bodyline #roji roji

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refinedbuffoonery · 2 years

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Looking Through A Window (11)

macriley married undercover au

masterlist.

I’m gonna be honest...this chapter is messy and underwritten. My time is limited these days, and I had to choose between obsessing over this not-so-important chapter and putting that time/energy into making the next chapter (which is Very Important) really good.

That being said, there will probably be quite a wait before Ch 12 is posted. I’m trying to survive my last (!!!) semester of college and can only carve out small chunks of time per day. Thank you all SO MUCH for sticking with me and this story, even as I take an eternity to write it. It brings me so much joy to share this little fictional world with you. xoxo

*****

Mac is really tired of these stupid council meetings.

Maybe that’s why the FBI passed this op to the Phoenix. Because they somehow knew it would be so goddamn boring.

So boring, in fact, that Mac lets every word said during the hour-long meeting float in one ear and out the other. He avoids thinking about the inevitable scolding he’ll receive from Riley when he can’t relay any of the information shared today.

Riley. Now there’s someone he does want to pay attention to.

While he’s stuck in this meeting, in a stationary chair with nothing to fidget with, Riley is off getting her nails done. They need to look nice for this weekend, she claimed, having already made the appointment. Mac believed her then. Now he’s pretty sure it was just an excuse to ditch the meeting.

Gleaning anything useful from this snoozefest is a lost cause, so Mac lets his mind play back moments from this morning with aching clarity. He woke half freezing to death since Riley had stolen all of the covers again, leaving him with practically nothing. He yanked the covers back, nestling into their warm, fluffy heaven, but that too was cut short when Riley stole them again. Despite wanting to shove her onto the floor, which he spent several minutes seriously considering, something in Mac’s chest tightened.

Remembering the feeling, Mac rubs his chest as Conrad drones on. And on. And on and on and on and on.

Conrad’s stupid drawl fades into white noise. At this point, listening to the sound of his own breathing would be more enlightening than this.

He thinks about the way Riley’s chest rose and fell, steadily and slowly, as he tucked her in before leaving. Her near silent breathing makes her the quietest person he’s ever shared a bed with, although that doesn’t negate the fact that she has the same ruthless bed-hogging habits as every girlfriend Mac has ever had. And also Jack. Especially Jack.

Honestly, at this point he’s starting to think this is where karma draws the line and his luck runs out. No polite, acceptably warm and snuggly bedfellows for him.

Another voice joins the (one-sided) conversation, but Mac’s relief at the break in monotony is cut short when he realizes it’s Jett, aka the only person here he likes less than Conrad.

Jett should consider that an achievement, honestly.

If Jack was here, he would’ve threatened to bash Jett’s head in by now, which would be very satisfying to watch. Of course, he’d go on to actually bash Mac’s head in for getting up close and personal with his daughter, which would hurt like a bitch.

Sorry, buddy, he thinks. You’ve got to sit this one out. Matty’s orders.

The man sitting beside Mac starts complaining about something, and Mac allows his words to morph into the tantrum Jack would throw on the rare occasion the nature of an op forced him to stay home. Listening to one of those tantrums used to piss him off to no end. But the longer time stretches since Mac heard the last one, the memory fills his chest with more warmth than annoyance.

Unlike Conrad here, who needs to shut the hell up.

The scrape of a metal chair on the warehouse’s concrete floor shatters Mac’s daydream and causes a hush to fall over the room. It seems Mac isn’t the only one getting a headache from listening to Conrad talk in circles. Standing, Ethan slides his hands into the front pockets of his jeans, the picture of nonchalance. A good actor.

“Thank you all for coming today,” Ethan says, as if this were some special occasion and not the regular Wednesday morning council meeting. “I’d like to remind you that the fundraiser gala for Cody Rickshaw’s campaign is this Saturday. The party starts at 6 p.m., so I’d like to see you all there no later than 7. Dress code is black tie.” The last sentence earns scattered groans and eye-rolls, but they all show begrudging acceptance of being put on parade. Clearly aware of that, Ethan gives his men a cool smile. “I’ll see you then.”

Dismissed, the men scatter before they can be forced to agree to anything else they don’t want to do. Mac does the same—a detail he’ll leave out of this week’s action report.

Conrad catches him on his way out the door, and Mac has to stop himself from rolling his eyes. So much for slipping out unseen. “James, I’ve got a quick question for you,” Conrad drawls.

Mac plasters on his best business face. “Shoot.” Conrad doesn’t catch the pun. If Riley was here, she would’ve laughed.

“Do you do explosives?” Conrad asks bluntly.

Not expecting that question, Mac’s brain stalls as he puzzles through why the hell Conrad would want a bomb. Shit, does this have something to do with the fundraiser? Three days is a tight window to build and plant a bomb, but doable.

Mac weighs his options. He could tell Conrad ‘no’ and potentially decrease future casualties. But Conrad could very well find another bomb maker, making Mac less useful to the organization. Or Mac could say ‘yes’ and maintain his monopoly on the Patriots’ weapons supply.

He isn’t stupid. His value only goes as far as his usefulness.

“I do,” he says, deciding to worry about the consequences later. It’ll be fine. Or maybe this is a huge mistake. He doesn’t know. He wishes Riley was here to be the voice of reason.

He’s careful not to let any of that show on his face. He can hide his trepidation so long as Conrad doesn’t question him, which thankfully, he doesn’t.

Conrad lowers his voice before asking, “How much would it cost me for something that could level a building?”

Holy shit. Holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshitholyshit.

Mac slides his hands into his pockets to hide the shaking. Hopefully all Conrad sees is nonchalance. “More than the guns,” he answers calmly. Conrad whistles. The first shipment of guns alone had cost an outrageous amount of money. How the Patriots acquired that sort of funding was beyond Mac, but he wasn’t about to question it before the wire transfer was complete. Now, however…

The lump sums migrating in and out of the Patriots’ bank accounts continue to plague Mac’s thoughts. Where the hell are they getting this much money from?

“I think we can make that work,” Conrad replies, surprising Mac. “Ethan and I need to talk it over a bit more, but we’ll come to you next week with a formal request.”

“Alright.” It’s risky, but Mac adds, “If you clue me in to what you’re planning, I’ll be able to make better suggestions.” He takes it all back. This op is not boring, and he’ll never even think such a thing again in order to avoid jinxing future ops. He always made fun of Jack for being superstitious, but dammit sometimes that bastard was right.

Conrad smiles knowingly. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

*****

The apartment is quiet when Mac returns, which means Riley is still out getting her nails done. Honestly, it’s fine by him, since it means he now has uninterrupted time to puzzle through what building Conrad and Ethan want to blow up.

The problem is that he doesn’t have a damn clue.

Houston is a big city, and the Patriots could want to level any number of buildings here. But then again, their target might be in a different city altogether. Which begs the question, how far is the Patriots’ reach?

The FBI intel said they’re nothing more than a grassroots startup, but if they’re really that small, then why did the Phoenix get called in to deal with it? The Phoenix solves crises in progress, not future problems; they’re the “Big Guns,” as the long-time tac team guys like to call him and Riley.

So if he’s the Big Guns, then why is he getting paid to sit on his ass? The jurisdiction politics just don’t line up.

Scratch that. None of it lines up.

Harley trots out of the bedroom, and Mac drops to his knees to greet her. It’s routine at this point—a good scratch behind both ears and a kiss on the forehead. Breathing her in, Mac wrinkles his nose. “You stink,” he informs her.

He should probably call Matty and Bozer to fill them in on the bomb thing, but until he learns more next week, they’ll just be harassing him for information he doesn’t have. They can wait, Mac decides. At least until he tells Riley.

Which means he has plenty of time to give Harley a bath.

Brushing her is already a hassle, so Mac can only imagine how much getting her into the tub is going to suck. Grabbing the peanut butter and a spoon, he lures his already-suspicious dog into the bathroom, shutting the door halfway behind them.

He sets the peanut butter jar on top of the toilet and starts unbuttoning his pants, because Harley always headbutts the back of his knees while he’s trying to pee. As long as she’s occupied, Mac can shut the door faster than she can escape. Or at least he hopes so.

Harley falls right into his trap.

She aims straight for his knees, and as soon as she makes contact, Mac throws the peanut butter at the door. The plastic jar collides with a bang, shutting the door and trapping Harley inside. Mac smirks at her, gloating, “I win.” Her head whips back and forth between him and the closed door.

Now that he has her trapped in here, how hard could this be?

Step one: re-button pants. Step two: bathe dog. Simple.

Harley backs into the corner, eyeing Mac suspiciously, but he ignores her, instead getting to work smearing peanut butter along the inside rim of the tub. Lucky for him, it’s the kind of tub that’s also a shower, and it has a removable showerhead. In no universe would Harley wait patiently while someone dumps water over her with a bowl.

After a staring contest, a wrestling match, and quite a bit of pleading from both sides, Harley is in the tub and drenched in water, and for that matter, so is Mac. While she’s distracted by the peanut butter, Mac works shampoo into her thick coat. For now, at least, the battle is over; Harley doesn’t seem to care as Mac scrubs her back, head, belly, legs, and even between her buttcheeks.

Mac doesn’t question his luck. Especially not when the peanut butter runs out before he’s finished.

“Just your tail, and then we’re done,” he tells her.

What the little information they had on Harley’s past failed to mention is that Harley hates her tail being touched and, as Mac quickly discovers, will go to great lengths to avoid it. Too slippery to hold, she flops across the tub like a fish out of water, tail tucked and her butt to the wall. Mac keeps reaching, and Harley keeps squirming. He curses under his breath.

There’s a gentle knock on the bathroom door, and Mac jumps in surprise, accidentally knocking over the shampoo bottle. It hits the tub floor with an echoing thud.

“Everything okay in there?” Riley’s voice is muffled by the wood.

“Yeah. I’m trying to bathe the damn dog, but—” he grunts, using his body to block Harley from jumping out of the tub— “it’s not going well.”

The door cracks open, and soft laughter fills the tiny room. Riley asks, “Want help?”

“Please,” he begs. Harley likes Riley better anyway. Maybe she’ll cooperate with her. Closing the door behind her, Riley kneels on the floor beside Mac and pours a dollop of shampoo into her palm.

She instructs, “You hold. I’ll scrub.”

Harley doesn’t stand a chance with both of them there. Her tail gets scrubbed. Thoroughly.

Reaching for the showerhead, Riley says, “You’ll never guess who I was seated next to at the nail place.”

“Who?”

“Carrie Ann.”

Mac feels sorry for her already. “How’d that go?” Harley wiggles in his arms, and he tightens his grip.

“Honestly? We had a good time. She’s like a nosey but well-meaning aunt. Once I dodged all the too-personal questions, she was actually kind of cool.”

Cool isn’t a word Mac would ever use to describe Carrie Ann, but if Riley, of all people, could learn to like her… Maybe she isn’t so bad after all. But only maybe.

“Nice,” Mac says. While they’re on the subject, he asks, “What color did you get?”

Riley blinks, taken aback. “You care?”

“Isn’t that the question I’m supposed to ask? Because if you report back that I’m a terrible fake-husband, Matty will definitely put it on my permanent record.” That earns him a genuine laugh, low and melodic. A soft smile lingers on her face afterward, and Mac wishes he had his phone so he could take a picture and keep her expression with him forever.

“You’re not a terrible fake-husband. And I got metallic dark blue.” She holds out her free hand for him to examine, then her bare foot. “My toes match.”

There it is again—that comforting wave of domesticity. He sees these moments so clearly sometimes, timestamped with a future date and slightly altered. Moments just like this—him and his wife sitting on the bathroom floor, soapy and soaking wet, in the middle of a disastrous attempt to bathe the dog. Not for the first time, Mac feels like he’s looking through a window to what could be the rest of his life.

“Looks nice,” he says.

As they finish rinsing Harley, Riley accidentally sprays him with the showerhead. Well, the first time might’ve been an accident, but after the second, Mac isn’t so sure.

By the third time, Mac knows it’s intentional.

“Watch where you’re aiming that thing,” he warns. Riley just smirks.

“Did I spray you? My bad.” She doesn’t sound sorry. Not in the slightest.

Before she can spray him a fourth time, Mac tries to yank the showerhead from her hand, snarling, “Give me that.” Riley’s grip is stronger than he expects, and they end up clamoring over one another in the wettest-ever game of keep-away. Mac never manages to steal the showerhead from her entirely, but he can taste the sweetness of satisfaction—although that might just be soapy water—when he directs the spray so it hits Riley square in the chest.

She retaliates by spraying him in the face.

Water lands just as much outside of the tub as inside as Mac and Riley keep fighting. Sharp barking, then laughter, echoes in the small space. After Mac spectacularly loses the upper hand, Riley has him pinned to the rim of the tub with the spray pointed toward his face, and Mac’s hand isn’t big enough to block all of the water—only enough to avoid being waterboarded. Still, she pushes, victory in sight.

He’s beyond soaked. The only thing Mac has left to fight for is his dignity, and he’s on the verge of losing that too. At least no one else is here to see him lose a fight he saw coming from a mile away.

Jack would’ve wanted Riley to win anyway.

Mac holds his breath. Letting go of the showerhead, warm water drowns his senses as he lunges for the shower handle. His fingers close around the cool metal, and not a moment too soon, the water shuts off. Coughing up water, Mac jokes, “We should probably leave this out of our reports.”

Riley releases him, smirking. “Leave out the fact that you lost? Not a chance.”

Mac groans. He should’ve seen that coming too.

Speaking of seeing… he’d have to be blind not to notice the way Riley’s pale blue t-shirt clings to her body and is now slightly see-through. Before she can catch him staring, Mac lowers his gaze from her chest, but then he’s thinking about her thighs around his hips and how he’s dying to drag her back onto his lap—an even more dangerous train of thought—and he’s forced to slide his gaze even lower. All the way down.

For now, the only safe place to look is the ground.

Harley paws his back, reminding him of the whole point of this endeavor. He grabs both towels off the rack to start drying her.

“Is that my towel?” Riley asks, frowning.

“I’ll wash it.”

She grumbles, “You’re lucky we have extras.”

Once Harley is semi-dry and the towels have been laid out to soak up the water on the floor, Mac and Riley sit across from each other with Harley between them. If they let her out now, she’ll immediately jump on the bed and the couch and end up making the whole apartment smell like wet dog.

Using their own waterlogged state as an excuse, Mac convinces Riley to stay in here with him and Harley. It’s the perfect opportunity to check in with her while her guard is still down. “How are you?” Mac asks, banishing his earlier train of thought.

He sees her walls go up, sees it in the way her body tenses and her eyes go cold. It’s an instinctive reaction, he’s learned. Either she’ll relax and answer his question, or she’ll choose to give distant, clipped answers. Mac really hopes it’s the former.

“I’m…” she trails off. “I’m okay. The thing with my mom got me.” Riley hugs a knee to her chest. “It was terrifying, Mac. I’m not…I’m not ready to lose another parent.”

Mac nods. He knows that feeling all too well. He wishes he didn’t.

“Anyway,” Riley says, changing the subject, “how are you?”

Mac doesn’t answer right away, taking stock of his feelings about each aspect of the op.

The Patriots and their plans make him nervous. And the fundraiser gala this weekend…that has to be more than just a fancy party, right? Not to mention Conrad’s bomb request this morning.

On top of that, living with Riley is complicated, to say the least. The problem is that it’s easy, and Mac can’t stop thinking about what his life could be like if only she loved him back, if only they were both willing to risk the relationship they already have. There’s also the problem of her being incredibly distracting, all the time.

And last but not least: Harley. His relationship with her is so hot and cold Mac has no idea where he stands half of the time. She’s smart and seems to want affection, but the second he or Riley makes a mistake, it’s back to square one. Bonding with animals takes time, and he knows that, but still. All he wants is for Harley to realize she’s safe and loved.

He’s not sure how to verbalize all of that, so instead he gestures to his clothes and answers, “Wet.” Riley snorts.

“Come on. I gave you a good answer.”

She did. Now he owes her one in return.

Mac picks the easiest one.

“Nervous,” he admits. “I’m still not sure we’re doing the right thing with the Patriots. Helping terrorists just feels wrong, even if it’s to ensure we take out the entire operation when we finally call in the cavalry.” Harley lays down, resting her head on Riley’s thigh, and Mac has to shove down a pang of jealousy before continuing. “After the meeting today, Conrad asked me if I could make them a bomb. No details yet; he just wanted to know if I could.”

“What did you tell him?” Riley asks cautiously, stroking Harley’s head. Mac can’t decide whether he’s more jealous that Harley is in her lap, or of Harley being in her lap.

“I said yes. Figured it was a better option than him finding a separate bomb maker.”

“Okay,” Riley says, and she means it. “That’s good. That’s one more variable we can control.” Mac wasn’t too sure about his decision before, but when Riley puts it that way, it makes sense.

“Yeah.” Mac lets his eyes drift, and they land on the gray tufts of hair from Harley’s undercoat along the baseboards. That dog sheds so much, no matter how often they clean, there’s always hair everywhere. “We need to vacuum again.”

He needs the distraction. From Riley. From the op. From all of it. He hates cleaning, but anything that keeps his hands busy also keeps his head clear, and that’s a trade Mac is always willing to make.

“Rock, Paper, Scissors?” Riley holds out her fist. Mac does the same.

“On shoot.”

Mac loses. Lucky him.

When he vacuums later that afternoon, he tracks down every piece of hair in the whole apartment, checking in every nook and cranny. Once he’s gotten all the hair, maybe the vacuum will suck down his fears about the Patriots and this weekend too.

~ Tag List ~ Want to be added? Send me an ask.

@angelinanao

@annmariestuff

@bluedrew12

@dreambelievergeek

@emilyscotson

@erika-amber

@fandomsilovewithoutshame

@fangirlfreak08

@g3svv

@hellishrose

@holbytlanna

@i-cant-think-of-a-name-15

@ijamaica5535

@justaghostmonument

@likeit-or-leaveit

@losingitovermacriley

@macrileyedits

@macs-paperclips

@multi-fandomshipper101

@mylifequotesshowallofthem

@nikki-1607

@orange-cat-vet

@penny114

@redjedistarfighter

@sxrein

@tall-tanned-tattoo

@thecarrieonokay

@tom-hunter-summah

@whatsabex

#beth writes #looking through a window au #macriley #angus macgyver #riley davis

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ameliashephs · 3 years

Text

Wait, Shepherd?

prompt: Link's friend has cancer which will be operated on by Amelia but he doesn't know he's with her so he flirts with her.

“I didn't know you were visiting Seattle.” Link said, seated on a hospital bed with a pizza box beside him.

“I was traveling from one state to another. When you have a few months left to live, you gotta live life to the fullest, you know.” The patient replied and reached for the last slice.

It was one of Link's friends from high school. He hadn't gotten a chance to enjoy most of his youth because of cancer but when he became free of it, his friend helped him experience what a normal person would during their adolescence.

“My last trip before Washington was Nevada. Do you remember Nevada? You used to date a lot of women there.” He reminded him that made Link cringed a little. “Uh, no! Not Nevada. That was a weird moment in my life, and I wouldn't recommend that to anyone.” Link recalled, laughing.

“At least you scored a lot of hot chicks there.”

Amelia coincidentally arrived at the last thought and was surprised to hear it. She intentionally coughed to let them know she was there and smiled widely at Link who had a slight fright. “Oh. Uh, this is Doctor Amelia Shepherd, she's going to be your surgeon — she’s the top of her league, don’t worry.” Link almost stuttered which made her laugh a little without removing eye contact, making him nervous.

“Oh, I must have died because this looks like heaven! You’re miraculously appealing to the eyes, Doctor Shepherd. I’m Daniel, Link's friend. You can call me Dan or literally whatever you want, I don’t mind.” He foolishly said that embarrassed Link a little.

“When Link suggested the finest brain surgeon he knew, I didn't know he meant professionally and quite literally.” Dan added that shocked them. Amelia doesn't mind the compliments, in fact, she loves them. Meanwhile, wincing in embarrassment, Link rubbed his neck and grinned at her.

“I'm sorry.” Link whispered that made Amelia chuckle. “I don't mind.” She said and smiled widely at the patient.

“I'll get you ready for pre-ops and I'll see you later, Dan.” She walked out of the room, followed by Link.

“I really am sorry for that, he’s not always like that.” Link told her. “I’m more concerned about you scoring a lot of hot chicks.”

“You heard that too?” He sighed.

“Don’t worry.” She paused and stared at his well-structured face for a second. “It’s understandable.” She continued and walked her way to prepare for the surgery.

Amelia was walking Dan to the operation room when she noticed how he was trembling a little. “Are you okay?” She genuinely asked.

“I’m just a bit nervous. Surgery is a 50-50 chance and I believe in you doctor; I really do. I just don’t believe in me that much; I might give up on your table.” He anxiously said “When I do, that’s on me and not you. I just want to let you know, in case.” He continued

“I won’t let that happen.” Amelia said and held his hand. “I mean, I’m gonna die eventually. My previous doctor even said I have a few months left to live and you’re just extending those months. So, if I’m going to die, might as well die trying.” He spoke.

They were still at least 10 minutes away from the O.R and Amelia has observed that his trembling happens less when he talks. Right now, he’s pretty much shaking.

“Uh, where did you meet Link?” She asked, trying to start a conversation. “I met him in high school. We were like brothers, we still are, but I became busy trying to live my remaining days. I haven’t really caught up on him lately.” He replied

“Although I heard of his son. I’ll meet him eventually if this surgery goes well. Also, this woman he's dating, he talks about her often, but I haven’t seen nor knew of her name. I’m starting to think she’s not real cause he talks highly of her, like the perfect woman he’s known. But I’ll believe him because they have a child as proof so there’s that.” He babbled that caused Amelia to laugh, considering she’s literally beside him.

“Not like the other women he’s dated?” She laughed

“Oh, definitely not. Love isn’t his thing until this woman. I want that for me, you know. I want to experience that.” He said and looked at Amelia, mesmerized by her smile. “Are you seeing someone, Doctor Shepherd?” He asked

“Would you like to experience that with me?” He continued.

“Wow, you’re so direct. You really don’t waste time, do you?” Amelia laughed

“I mean, life’s short. It’s quite literally for me.” He genuinely waited for Amelia’s answer, and she just smiled until the elevator doors opened.

“Doctors don’t date their patients, it’s a thing.” She turned him down as nice as she could possibly be. “Well, fair. But you’re not going to be my doctor anymore if this goes well. I’ll try to find another one and I’ll take you out to dinner, if you’ll allow me.” He insisted.

“That would be nice, but I’m seeing someone.” Dan jokingly acted like an arrow pierced through his heart while hearing those words, and nodded. “It was worth to try.” He responded

“That person's lucky. Not many people would have this chance.” Dan said before going through anesthesia.

The surgery was a success, but he wasn’t waking up any time sooner. He hadn’t shown any sign of consciousness and it’s already been a week. Link never left his side and always checked up on him until he started moving a muscle a few days later.

“Page neuro.” Link abruptly said and checked his vitals. His eyes were starting to open as Amelia arrived. “His vitals are good; he moved a muscle. He’s trying to wake up.” Link enthusiastically reported, as the surgery was a success all throughout.

“Dan? Can you hear me?” Amelia called him, softly being as gentle as possible as he’s going to be sensitive to sound. His eyes took some time to fully open, but he immediately smiled when the first thing he saw was Amelia. “Will you give me a chance now?”

Link was clearly surprised to hear those words while Amelia just laughed, knowing she didn’t worsen him.

They gave him a day to recover his strength and Link eventually kept his promise. “This is Scout Derek Shepherd Lincoln.” He said and brought Scout to his side. Dan was smiling so widely until he realized something. “Wait, Shepherd?” He clarified

“Yeah, you were flirting with his mother and my girlfriend.” Link told him that sent waves of embarrassment to Dan’s body. “Oh, kill me now.” He exclaimed that shocked Amelia who just arrived at his room. It was so out of context that Link had to laugh. “What happened?” She asked

“You didn’t tell me it was Link who you’re seeing.” He said in complete embarrassment

“Seeing?” Link asked and gave Amelia a look knowing what they are wouldn’t be described as seeing.

“What? I enjoyed the compliments.” Amelia laughed and moved to Link’s side.

“Don’t worry, she turned me down twice.” He assured him. “Of course, you fit the description.” He said, recalling their conversation a week ago. Amelia just smiled and became serious right after. “I’ll check up on you from time to time. You’ll have to start chemotherapy soon, but you can still continue to live life to the fullest, the way you want it. Just do less extreme activities.” She spoke.

“Well, I believe in living as if it’s your last. Thank you, Doctor Shepherd.” He sincerely thanked her for giving him more time.

“Amelia. You can call me Amelia. And of course, a friend of Link is a friend of mine.” She said and smiled at both his boys.

“We’ll give you guys some time alone to catch up.” She offered and picked up Scout from his dad’s arms.

“You have a beautiful family, Link.” He spoke. “I’m sorry I flirted with your girl.” Dan laughed.

“If I have a dollar every time that happens, I would have been rich and quit medicine." Link replied, laughing with him.

-----------

probably kaimelia tease fic next or addison meeting scout :)

#private practice #greysanatomyedit #greys fanfic #greys abc #greys anatomy #greysedit #amelink fic #amelink #amelia x link #amelia shepherd #atticus link #fanfic

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teamfreewill2pointo · 2 years

Text

Con Experiences

I've been asked about this in PM a few times and thought some of y'all might want to know.

Cast experiences including M&Gs:

I've had really lovely cast experiences at every con I've gone to. I've also made friends through the cons with other con goers, so I've heard about different m&g experiences not only through fandom, but also people who aren't into online fandom.

Personally, I don't pay for m&gs outside of J2M, but that's not for lack of love for other cast members. The whole reason I go to m&gs is to ask the cast members questions about the show and it's very easy to ask questions of everyone except for J2M & JDM.

For J2M & JDM, you have to put your name in a bag and be selected at random for the main panel. For J2, you can raise your hand in gold, but I've never done gold. My friends and I have never been selected for J2 or JDM, but we have been selected for Misha 3 times.

I also usually only go Saturday/Sunday for lack of time/childcare, but I have friends who go Thursday - Sunday and love it. I hope to be able to do that eventually.

There used to be a problem with one or two people dominating a m&g, but they cracked down on that, so I haven't heard of it happening recently. They also changed the rules so if one person starts to talk the whole time, then you can signal for the handler to step in and help, but they should do it automatically.

I've never done an Alex m&g because you can just ask him a question, but I have several friends that do Alex m&gs and just love it/him. I love that he doesn't give a fuck and how he will tease the audience.

Misha's m&gs tend to be more chaotic. The adventure m&gs are super popular. Personally, my interest is in asking questions and, while you can ask questions on the adventure, it's much more chaotic than the regular m&g, so I prefer the regular one, but most people prefer the adventure one.

Misha will probably troll you &, in my experience, he jokes around a lot more. I've gotten Jared to crack up, but laugh more with Misha. He's also sarcastic, which has caught me off guard. He sometimes makes embarrassing jokes, so be prepared for that. I'm the only one of my con friend group that's a Misha stan, so I have less sample sizes, but I've always gotten a question in.

Jared will work hard to try to answer a question from everyone there. Not everyone has a question, but he likes to go on tangents, so if you are sitting towards the end of the room from where he starts, you might not get a question in, but he tries. He often runs late because of it. My friends and I have gotten a question to Jared every time we've gone.

Jensen takes longer to answer the questions than Jared, although we've done less of them because of the expense. We've never been selected for a question in a group m&g and sometimes only 5-7 questions will be asked total. That's part of why his prices are higher because you might have to go to several m&gs before you'll get an answer.

Because photo ops are so expensive, I always split them with friends. I've done way more J2 ops than any others because most of my rl Supernatural friends are GA fans and mostly into the brothers relationship. My bff con buddy did a mishalecki with me and had so much that we do them all the time now, but most of my friends are only interested in J2 so I have the most experience with those.

Plus, I do a lot of J2MA/J2M, which can get very pricey so I don't have much money left over for other actors. It's about $600 for J2MA and over $500 for J2M. A J&M is about $350 and my latest Alex & Misha op was about $215. Each con, I do J2MA, 2 Mishalecki, and a J2 with my con buddy, so that's about $1650 right there alone!

The last J2MA they misheard the pose. We like the result, but that's an extra $600 we have to pay again to get a heaven hug pose. I get hug photos with individual actors, which I don't post for privacy reasons, but haven't been getting them lately because of covid. Some actors will do selfies which are way cheaper than Creation photos.

My favorites outside of J2MA: Ruth is my next absolute favorite. I'm totally in love with her and Rowena. I've always had amazing experiences with her. She's funny and sharp, but also kind and considerate. I don't really post/talk about her much here since it doesn't fit the theme of my blog, but I always always try to get a photo with her and attend her panels. DJ is also an incredible sweatheart. His panels are hilarious and he has ADHD so they are all over the place. He plays games with the fans and his cameos are amazing as well. He puts a lot of thought into his answers. It's incredible to me that, without Jared, he wouldn't be a part of the show because he's one of my favorite parts of conventions.

Rachel Miner is very friendly and engages a lot with fans directly. She has such a huge heart. I really miss seeing her at cons. I don't know when I'll be able to see her again and I hope to get another photo with her soon.

This is just making me want to write up positive things about all the cast members, so I'll just stop for now. I've only had positive experiences at cons and I love them. Wish photo ops were less expensive so I could do more of them!

#creation #creation cons #mishalecki #answers #anon #supernatural #spnfamily #spn family #cast #behind the scenes #j2ma

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bloodfromthethorn · 3 years

Text

Sleep is the Best Cure

“Jack? What-” Mac blinked a few times, trying to clear his vision even as he automatically relaxed into his partner’s hold, trusting him to keep him up while he struggled his way back to the surface.

“Pretty sure you’re going on about 72 hours without sleep and you’ve had, what? Three? Separate traumatic situations in that time? Not much of a surprise you’re about to crash hard.”

Tag to 2x11 and 2x12. Also on AO3.

Mac’s eyes surveyed the wreck of his living room with a building sense of dread. The last few days felt like little more than a blur in his memory and he didn’t think he’d had a chance to pause for breath during any of it. Now that he had a moment to himself, he couldn’t help but worry that the world was about to come crashing down yet again, with him standing right in the middle of it.

Charlie’s attention had been drawn away by one of the team responsible for lifting the barrels out from beneath the floor, while all around them Phoenix personnel were cataloguing every item they could find just in case one of them might grant a clue as to the Ghost’s whereabouts. Mac considered moving to help them - or perhaps back Charlie up in what looked as though it might be descending into some kind of argument about proper procedure - but the instant he took a step to do so, sharp, blinding pain struck him right between the eyes like a lightning bolt.

It was there and gone in a flash, but it left him so startled he staggered back a step in surprise. A hand snatched at his arm before he could do more than sway, tugging him carefully against a supportive warm body. “Easy there bud.”

“Pretty sure you’re going on about 72 hours without sleep and you’ve had, what? Three? Separate traumatic situations in that time? Not much of a surprise you’re about to crash hard.”

“I’m- I’m okay.”

“Yeah man, ‘course you are. But maybe we should get you some sleep, yeah?”

Mac’s head still felt like it was floating some way above the rest of his body, foggy and distant, but he was still able to feel himself frown as the suggestion stuck a chime wrong somewhere. “Can’t,” he managed. “House is in clean up.”

“Matty’s got it covered,” Jack said, sure and steady. “And while she’s getting everything here sorted, you can crash at my place.”

That did admittedly sound amazing, but Mac forced himself to mumble a negative and reclaim some of his own weight, shaking his head in a vain attempt at clearing out the cobwebs taking root. “No, I need to help Charlie,” he said stubbornly.

The arm Jack had around his shoulders turned to steel, not letting him move away. “Charlie is doing just fine. He knows what he’s doing and he’s not the one dead on his feet right now. It’s okay man, it’s over. You can hand the reins over to someone else for a bit.”

With his vision steadily clearing, Mac could finally make out Jack’s worried face at his shoulder, watching him closely for any sign he was about to take another nosedive. Beyond the concern though, it was clear as day that Jack was starting to flag just as badly as Mac was, with pale skin and deepening crow’s feet emphasising the slight squint he’d picked up to combat the dryness of his eyes. “You’ve not slept either,” he pointed out unnecessarily.

Jack huffed something that might have been a laugh if he’d had the energy for it. “True enough, but I also wasn’t arrested and I haven’t spent the last twenty hours working on defusing two bombs simultaneously.” He gestured vaguely around the wreck of Mac’s living room with his free hand as though to encompass everything that had happened. “I’m good to drive us both back to mine and then I’m planning on passing out until at least tomorrow. That plan sound good with you?”

Honestly, now that Mac was aware of his own fatigue, the exhaustion felt like a physical weight on his body and the very thought of handing over his safety to Jack and drifting off for a couple of hours sounded like heaven, but he knew his job. Once an EOD tech, always an EOD tech, and there was still a lot of explosive material in his house that needed dealing with before anyone in a mile’s radius would be safe. He had work to do.

The sentiment must have shown on his face, because Jack went right back to frowning. “No, man, cut that out. Even if there wasn’t a perfectly capable bomb tech right over there, you’re in no state to be handling explosives. You’re shaking.”

Mac glanced at his own hands to confirm that yes, his whole body was indeed wracked by fine tremors that he couldn’t seem to stop. That… didn’t seem right. Since joining the army he’d had countless sleepless nights, both intentional and unavoidable, and while he knew he must be getting close to his limit of endurance, he was usually steady handed. Sort of an occupational requirement, really.

“Something’s wrong,” he murmured to himself, still looking at his trembling fingers.

With a heavy sigh, Jack tugged on him until he was pushed, unresisting, onto one of the bar stools and propped up by Jack’s warm palms on both of his shoulders. “What’s wrong is that you’ve been running on nothing but adrenaline and coffee for two whole days. Just ‘cause you’ve not been dodging bullets doesn’t mean you haven’t been going through the wringer. You’re exhausted. That’s all it is, bud, promise.”

Well, if Jack promised then Mac would believe him. Jack would never lie to him and he always seemed to know Mac’s hurts even before the man himself did. Something about it still didn’t sit right with him though. “Was dodging bullets,” he corrected, slightly petulantly, as he remembered handcuffs around his wrists and the desperation of trying to find a solution using nothing but a bullet and a ballpoint pen.

One of Jack’s hands drifted up his shoulder to cup the back of his head comfortingly in a move that Jack liked to use when he wanted to check Mac’s pulse without him knowing. “I’m okay,” he mumbled again in protest, but didn’t pull away.

“Yeah, I know you are. You’re pretty out of it though bud. Reckon you’re not going to remember this conversation tomorrow, huh?”

That was probably a fair assessment, honestly. With no witty retort lined up and thoroughly lacking the energy to search for one, Mac just hummed agreeably, blinking at him as his vision went wobbly again.

Jack sighed. “Okay, I’m calling it. I know you want to help out here, but you need rest and you’re not going to get it while there’s a Phoenix clean-up op happening in your living room. And since I’m not letting you out of my sight just yet, you’re coming home with me, yes? Good.”

He finally broke his attention off from Mac to cast a glance around the room at large and caught Matty’s eyes, gesturing to his semi-conscious partner with a small head tilt. “I’m taking this one home.” He didn’t leave any room in his tone for argument, but softened it by adding, “If you need us, call me.”

Thankfully, as much as Matty might be a hardass when her job needed her to be, she was also one of the most observant people Jack had ever met. Her eyes took them both in with a single look and recognised the exhaustion staring back at her. She nodded with a soft smile. “Take as long as you need. We’ve got this.”

He spared enough time to shoot her a deeply grateful look before his entire attention turned back to Mac, who appeared to have been trying unsuccessfully to use the brief pause to rally himself. Unfortunately for him, he was long since out of any reserves to draw off; the best his attempts got him was some slightly more aggressive blinking.

“Okay hoss, think you can stand up for me?” From the way Jack was having to keep him steady, it was obvious that Mac’s balance had completely gone to shit, but he obediently pushed himself upright and managed to at least keep his knees locked to take his weight. “Alright man, you’re doing great. Let’s get outside and get you sitting down again, yeah?”

Getting Mac outside and into the car turned out to be an exercise in extreme patience. Out of it as he was, he seemed to consistently forget where they were going and why, and made several attempts to turn himself around to go and help Charlie even though he could not more obviously be beyond that particular task. Each time Jack would nudge him back in the right direction with a soft push and a string of gentle words that seemed to more or less do the trick. By the time Mac was carefully folding himself into the passenger seat, the kid was scarcely still conscious.

“That’s right, you just sit there and let Jack get you home, yeah?”

That Mac didn’t even groan in protest at Jack referring to himself in third person said a lot for his mental state. Chuckling to himself, Jack rounded the car and nodded at Bozer who had appeared at the front door to see them off.

“I’ll get the house sorted as soon as I can,” he promised. “Make sure everything’s nice and clean when he gets back.”

“Appreciate that. But make sure you get some rest yourself, okay?” He said sternly, sending him a steady look. “Today’s been a long day for everyone, you included.”

“We’re good Jack. Matty will take good care of me and Riley. You just worry about Mac.”

Jack snorted, momentarily letting his bone-deep exhaustion show on his face. “As if I ever do anything else.”

Mac was thoroughly dead to the world when Jack slid into the driver’s seat beside him, his head tilted awkwardly against the window and his arms wrapped tight around his middle. It looked wildly uncomfortable, but the journey was only short and now that he was actually out for the count, Jack was loath to disturb him until he had to. Instead, he jammed his keys in the ignition and headed for home without another word.

Tired as he was, Jack drove more carefully than he was usually of a mind to and as a result ended up taking a full half-hour to make it to his apartment. Mac didn’t so much as stir the entire time. If it hadn’t been for his breath fogging against the glass of the window, Jack might have resorted to feeling for the pulse in his wrist just to be certain that he really was still there, still in one piece. After everything he’d been through in the last three days, the fact that the worst physical damage he would have to deal with would be a few scrapes and a hefty dose of exhaustion was something of a miracle - and Jack would still trade almost anything for the chance to go back and spare him of all of it. Mac had never deserved the shit that got thrown at him day in and day out, but it rarely came so thick and fast.

And physical condition aside, Jack knew that Mac wasn’t getting away from any of it without some new mental baggage.

But that was a problem for tomorrow, at the earliest. Right now all he had to worry about was getting 6 foot of mostly-catatonic secret agent up several flights of stairs, preferably without drawing any attention. Easy.

Mac did make a valiant attempt at consciousness after a few gentle shakes from Jack, but it was clear the window of opportunity for his ability to hold his own weight had closed some time ago. In the end, it was left to Jack to duck under his shoulder and do his best to balance them both as they hobbled unsteadily up the fire escape. The lobby would have granted them an elevator, but with them both on their last legs, Jack didn’t want the attention.

No doubt they must have looked comical - or perhaps just drunk - but they made it in the end, and without anyone falling down the stairs to boot. Jack was going to count that as a win.

“Mac, you still with me brother?”

There was a vaguely attentive hum. Mac’s eyes didn’t open.

“You happy to share the bed or are you gonna make me sleep on the couch?”

Another hum that Jack chose to take as ambivalence. In truth the question was somewhat redundant - the pair of them had shared far closer quarters than a king-sized bed before, and Mac would never turf Jack out of his own room, especially when he was just as desperately in need of rest. Asking was more of a formality than anything.

There was a second brief deliberation when Jack managed to get them both into the bedroom as he tried to weigh up the chances of him being able to bully Mac into changing into some borrowed sleepwear. In the end, he figured it wasn’t worth the hassle and just calmly battled him out of his jeans and his dust-covered henley before tipping him beneath the covers. With his consciousness waning once more, Mac offered little more than a sleepy grumble as he burrowed down beneath the blanket and went still once more.

With a weary chuckle of genuine relief, Jack ran through his own preparations as quickly as his tired body was capable of before finally, finally folding himself into the other side of the bed. After everything, the sensation was heavenly.

There was a long stretch of motionless silence, broken only by their steady breathing, and Jack felt the fiercely alert, wary section of his brain finally start to cede control to the comforting embrace of sleep. It was over; Mac was safe, the bomb was defused, no one was in prison, and Cage would be just fine after a bit of recovery time. Jack was free to let his guard down at long last.

It wasn’t an easy task. For the next five minutes he struggled with slipping into light dozes that broke off suddenly when his adrenaline spiked, bracing himself against some new danger. He knew that he needed the rest and for once it was legitimately safe to do so, but he had too many years of forcing his body through every possible hardship for it to give up the fight so easily.

Then, as he always managed to do, Mac provided the solution. After the fifth or so time Jack jolted awake, Mac let out a low, displeased huff and wriggled until he was able to reach out a hand and wrap long fingers around Jack’s wrist in a gentle reassurance of his presence. He didn’t even look as though he was awake as he did it - he’d just sensed that Jack needed his help, and had offered it without thought. Lost in his own exhaustion, Jack thought it was almost poetic.

Not that he would know, of course.

Safe at long last, and tangibly aware of Mac’s steady presence at his side, Jack finally let himself sleep.

#i'm sure there were a lot of fics exactly like this when those episodes came out #but im new #let me indulge #macgyver #mac #jack dalton #exhaustion #god i miss jack so much you guys #respect to eads' choices but the show is just not as good without him #still shouldnt have been cancelled though #fuck that

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tellywoodtrash · 2 years

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Do u watch ott shows TT? Can you recommend some if you do? Most have unnecessary vulgarity in dialogues and sequences. So I want to steer clear of them and watch some good stuff. Thanks in advance.

Unfortunately OTT is taken to just have a free pass for gratuitous sex and cussing. My favt show without all this is Panchayat on Amazon Prime, which is such a wholesome yet hilarious show. (I haven't watched Gullak by TVF yet but it gives the same pure vibes. TVF in general has some real cute ones like Tripling and Permanent Roommates, etc.) Another top fave is Pushpavalli on Prime, which is a dark comedy but really really top notch funny. If you're ok with something that has darker (downright bleak) subject matter, then Asur on Voot is a really well made one. Code M from Alt Balaji was a decent watch as well. Made in Heaven on Prime has a lil bit of sex and cussing but isnt too over the top about it. Same with The Family Man. I just finished The Fame Game on Netflix yest but it was pretty meh and I just sat through it for my queen Madhuri. Aarya on Hotstar was a much better show. I also liked the Yashraj shows on Youtube like Bang Baaja Baraat and Ladies Room; and there's lots of cute ones (What the Folks, Please Find Attached, Operation MBBS) on FilterCopy and Dice Media Youtubes, all of which are modern rom-com types. Oh and the OG one of those, Little Things (Netflix). Hotstar Quix also has a few options, of which Murder Meri Jaan was my fave.

Shows I personally haven't watched but have good reviews/look decent and interesting to me: Scam 1992 (Sony Liv), Special Ops (Hotstar), Rocket Boys (Sony Liv), Yeh Hai Meri Family (TVF Play), Bandish Bandits (Prime), Adulting (YouTube), Laakhon Mein Ek (Prime), Stories by Rabindranath Tagore (EPIC/Netflix), Haq Se (AltBalaji), Afsos (Prime).

#tt answers #tt recommends #indian web series

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everythingsinred · 3 years

Text

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Natsume (pt.7)

Well, Natsume's really in it now! Today we'll be talking about what lengths Natsume will go to in order to protect the people he loves. He's not a normal boy with a normal first crush, after all. He has no intention of wooing her or flirting. In fact, his instinct is to distance himself, and going forward we'll see that instinct is motivated by more than just a low self-esteem.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Natsume has some major character flaws. He’s kinda a jerk in general and is rude and abrasive. He’s chronically selfless and seems to be drawn to situations where he can sacrifice himself for others, which is a very unhealthy way to be. He’s also terrible at keeping his word.

Natsume only made this decision on his own, but he’s pretty bad at carrying through with it. He’s the one who told her to stay away, but Natsume will have more and more trouble staying true to such an agreement.

At first, he makes an effort: Mikan is being bullied for her stupidity and sees Natsume. He glares at her, another discouragement from coming any closer. He doesn’t argue with her or join in on the bullying.

But in no time at all, the whole class is riled up in study mode because of Mikan’s example, and for many kids in Class B, the best person to turn to for tutoring help is Natsume, who is actually quite smart when he actually does the work--though he’d prefer not to. And he does help, though not with any kind or supportive words. He’ll leave that to Mikan. Maybe to him it feels a bit like a cheat, like he can afford to give in a little bit. He later walks alongside her after an exam, like he’s part of her circle, and although he’s not really engaging with her like the rest of the kids are, it’s enough that he’s near her.

And it’s enough for the ESP and Persona to notice.

We can see the ESP looking down on them from his headquarters room, still covered in shadows to maintain his mystery, but his figure is familiar enough for a reread. Natsume has been caught and he will have to face the consequences.

Persona subs in for Makihara-sensei (and we must wonder if Makihara was really unable to proctor his exam or if he was ordered to stay away so that a point could be made to Natsume), and despite his disguise, Natsume can tell it’s him instantly. After all, he was supposed to recognize him. Natsume looks horrified.

So far, Natsume has had to more or less balance two very different parts of his life: a more light-hearted life in Class B and his life as a spy and black ops agent. They’ve been difficult to juggle because of how different they are, but they’ve been pretty separated. Here, the lines are blurring. Was there really any divide at all or was that just an illusion? Persona can invade on his happiness any time he wants, on a whim, and nobody else will notice that anything is amiss. Only Natsume will be bothered, and that’s enough.

Natsume later catches up to Persona, asking him what the hell all that was about.

Permy and his fans aren’t the only ones to notice that Natsume has been softer lately--he and the ESP have noticed as well, and he’s been ordered to put a stop to it. He mentions a “kitten of a different color” who has been of interest to the ESP too, and Natsume plays dumb, his last-ditch attempt to protect Mikan from being drawn into this.

Persona comments on the strangeness of seeing the infamous Black Cat that he trained himself, who he’s supposedly only ever seen in action, sitting and taking a test like a normal kid. He reminds him that he’s not a normal kid. There’s no point in trying so hard. He won’t make it to ever see his family again, so why even bother?

And then Persona makes a point to discourage Natsume from getting close to that “kitten of a different color”. Natsume argues that they’re the ones who made them partners in the first place! And he might as well be giving himself away. Again, Natsume seems convinced that the partners thing was a decision from pretty high up, but I don’t think it was. Here, it seems like Persona is trying to clean up the mess Narumi made before it gets too out of hand. Natsume is a perfect tool and anything messing with that is inconvenient. They can’t unmake them partners (yet) so the most they can do is threaten Natsume.

And now we can see what kind of alice Persona has. It's a real threat, killing that plant. It's a reminder to Natsume what he's capable of, that his friends and loved ones could end up just like that plant.

And so Persona does.

Natsume is anguished here, because he’s been trying his very best to avoid this situation, but he should have known that Mikan was already in the academy spotlight and his feelings would be quickly caught. It was too late from the start and he was doomed all along to add Mikan to the list of people he will do anything to protect.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

The next chapter opens with Mikan being confused and hurt by Natsume’s sudden new coldness. She has no idea what’s brought this all on, but we do. Natsume has no choice now but to completely try and cut her off. It’s for her own good, after all. If he’s not careful, she could get hurt. Protecting her is worth it, even if it means he has to be even more of a villain than usual.

We don’t see a lot of Natsume in this chapter, actually, because he’s trying really hard to stick by his word this time. We see him trip up a little, staring at her in class. When she catches him, he turns away coldly, but from this we can see that Natsume really doesn’t want to be leaving her alone like this. If he had it his way, in an ideal world, he’d be much nicer to her. Unfortunately, Natsume doesn’t waste his time thinking about his ideals, so he keeps at it, pushing her away.

The next time we see Natsume, it’s after we’ve been thoroughly introduced to the concept of the life-shortening alice. This is one hint of many that he has such an alice, several chapters before we get a real confirmation.

The scene where Natsume struggles on a bed full of pills is perhaps more dramatic in the anime, but it’s no less potent here. It’s like a sucker punch. You don’t want it to be true. He’s ten years old, for heaven’s sake! TEN YEARS OLD! And he’s suffering, hunched over, face red, gasping for air, clutching his chest, next to the biggest bag of medicine I’ve ever seen. It’s the biggest hint we’ve gotten so far, especially in the context of Kaname’s illness.

It's heart-breaking to imagine that most of the time, Natsume is simply pretending like he's not in absolute physical agony.

Kaname stays at the hospital for long stretches of time, staying for weeks and sometimes months at a time. He’s hospitalized more than he’s able to walk around free. There’s a lot to consider when that treatment is compared to Natsume’s. Natsume is the DA favorite and is sent on many missions. His trips to the hospital are never for weeks or months at a time, not because he doesn’t need the rest, but because the school can’t stand to go so long without their prize fighter. Natsume might be in even worse condition than Kaname, but there’d be no real way to tell unless we got it from him, because he has no choice but to put up with it and pretend like he’s not living in constant agony. And on top of being terribly and terminally ill, he gets physically beaten somewhat regularly… this school beats sick children and then threatens them when they find any inkling of happiness.

There is a bittersweet tone about Kaname’s story. He’s already sick anyway but he will probably die if he keeps using his alice, but he wants to, because he wants to bring people the same happiness that making Bear brought him. It’s tragic and heart-breaking, but it’s touching too. That sweetness is missing from Natsume’s appearance. His situation feels miserable and helpless in comparison, because not only does he have no way out, but nobody even knows the extent of his struggles.

He only lets himself feel this level of pain when he’s all alone in his bedroom. He’s been having a horrible past few days, having to ignore Mikan when she’s all that’s made him happy in recent memory. All that together, and we know that this night was a rough one for him.

The next day, we see everyone saying good-bye to Kaname. Once again, Natsume is completely separated from the rest of them, all alone in the classroom, sitting and looking as miserable as one can expect. It’s strange seeing him now after we’ve seen what his nights look like and just how painful they can get.

I just want him to be okay. Why is that too much to ask?

There’s some text on his panel: “I want the future I spend with the ones I love to last just a little longer.” Yet another hint that maybe his illness is more than just that. He has very little time left, and very little time to spend with his loved ones, but even worse: he can’t even spend time with Mikan because doing so would put her in danger. Even with Youichi and Ruka the amount of time he can spend with them is limited. They have their own lives and he doesn’t want to hold them back or hint in the slightest that there’s something up with him. He doesn’t want to worry or burden them. And so he sits alone in the classroom, looking despondent and lonely.

And now we know more than ever that this was never his choice: he has to be like this.

No, he’s not the asshole he makes himself out to be, somebody who doesn’t care about others and cuts others off because he thinks himself above them. All he wants is to protect people from getting too entrenched in his dark life. Natsume being this level of a jerk is a method to protect people, a method an adult would have to take.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

I’m quite relieved to have finally passed the point where the anime adapts the manga. From now on, I can focus entirely on the manga. I passed 22k words on this essay too! This whole thing will be sooooo long. I hope it’s an enjoyable read so far. It’s quite fun for me to write.

This chapter is the beginning of a long and dramatic arc. There’s been incidents of people losing their alices. The academy is withholding information about the gravity of the situation, lying that the students have not been affected so far.

But even with the little information the kids have, Class B is full of concern. Everyone is discussing these incidents, debating whether losing one’s alice would even be a bad thing. After all, they’d be able to go back home and see their families. Nonoko brings up a great point, that her alice is a part of her identity, something she loves about herself. It’s not something she’d ever willingly part with. Furthermore, she doesn’t want to leave all her friends at the academy either. Ultimately, the kids all agree that they wouldn’t want to lose their alices.

At this, Natsume stands up and leaves the room. He’s heard enough.

Natsume doesn’t just have complicated feelings about his alice--he feels hatred for it. After all, if it weren’t for his alice, he could live to a ripe old age. He could still be with his family. He could be happy, not used as a weapon by the academy to fight until he dies. He can’t relate much to the conversations about fondness for an alice. From what we can see, he’d be over the moon to be rid of it for good. This is a concept brought up now, because it will be incredibly important later on.

Not to spill about my personal life or anything, but I’m an English major (in an anglophone country so my focus is literary analysis and writing). Writing literature papers in school was a love of mine that I translated to my other interests. I’m writing what I can here about general themes and even visual parallels. I want to write as thorough an analysis as I can. Unfortunately, I can’t effectively pick apart word choices and phrases when they’re translated from another language and when so many conflicting translations may exist.

I’m saying all this as a disclaimer because I want to analyze word choice now and I am aware that this might not carry to the original Japanese or even to other versions of the English translation. (For reference, I’m using the TokyoPop versions for my analysis for the first 15 volumes and then I’ll be using whatever I get my hands on for the rest. The pics I use are from scans, but the main source I use for now is TokyoPop.)

"Nowhere!".... hmm let me read way too much into this.

Natsume leaves the room and Ruka chases after him, asking where he’s headed. Natsume responds, “Nowhere.” This might be a nothing point to make, but it stands out to me whenever I read this part. It’s a reassurance to Ruka, sure, but there seems to be more to it. On the surface, we can tell that Natsume doesn’t have a destination in mind; he just doesn’t want to be in the classroom anymore, listening to all that upsetting talk. Deeper than that, he really is heading nowhere. He’s stuck there, at the academy, unlike the rest of them who will eventually leave to go back home once they’ve graduated. Natsume will probably die at the school, trapped within its gates. He will probably never see his family again. He is, in that sense as well, going nowhere.

The rest of their conversation is just as packed with meaning. Ruka can tell something is up and he wants Natsume to talk to him, to let him in, but Natsume knows that Ruka has made a pact not to smile if he’s not smiling. So even though Ruka is asking and wants to know what’s wrong, Natsume won’t give anything away. Being miserable is one thing, but letting Ruka know that something is worse than usual would only make Ruka miserable too, and he can’t have that. The bottom of one page has him frowning, maybe steeling himself, and then at the top of the next page, he turns around with a grin to tousle Ruka’s hair.

Don't mind me. I am simply crying.

“It’s nothing,” he says with his smile, looking so gentle, and Ruka still looks concerned, but he can’t argue anymore.

In reality there’s a lot going on with Natsume. Later, when we are introduced to Tono, he mentions being concerned about Natsume’s health, having heard that he was making frequent visits to the hospital. We already know he’s sick and going on ceaseless missions, and on top of all that he has to ignore and be cruel to the girl he likes. It’s a terrible situation. But Natsume can’t tell Ruka any of this without worrying him, so instead he will keep it to himself. After all, it’s nothing that can be helped or changed. It’s something he feels he has to cope with on his own. To him, spilling his secrets would be selfish and only cause suffering.

Chapter Thirty

Iinchou has finally returned from his visit to his hometown. He’s brought gifts and anecdotes and everyone is quite happy to see him, until Iinchou attempts to use his alice and finds himself unable to.

It’s a shock to the whole class that a kid at their school has lost his alice. They had been so relieved that at least it wouldn’t affect kids like them, but now one of them is a victim too. It makes the fear much more real. If it could happen to Iinchou, it could happen to any of them.

Things get tense when Iinchou returns to class and says that this might have been the fault of a woman he encountered outside of the school, someone who was probably affiliated with Z. Everyone who was involved with saving Natsume when he was kidnapped is shocked to hear about Z again, but none more than Natsume himself. He gets up and leaves, just like he did last chapter.

He’s thinking about the proposal Reo gave, that Natsume should join Z and fight against the academy he despises. But he’s not alone with his thoughts, because Ruka followed him again, and so did Mikan this time.

She tries to ask him about Z, see if he has any more idea about what’s going on. She’s confused and he knows more than anyone what happened during that incident, but he’s refusing to acknowledge her presence, let alone answer any of her questions. He’s keeping up his charade of cruelty to keep her safe, but it’s driving Mikan crazy. She finally breaks, screaming at him that he should pay attention when people are talking to him, and further that if he has any issues with her he should just say it to her face.

Just like last chapter, we see a panel of Natsume steeling himself, ready to do the selfless thing to protect the other person. Only this time the next panel has him glaring at her, saying he doesn’t like anything about her. He hates everything about her.

Natsume has no choice but to lie all the time about how he's feeling, because everyone else must always come first.

It feels different, but in reality this is the same thing he did to Ruka last chapter. He can’t be honest about his feelings when he’s feeling upset, and he can’t be honest about his feelings when he’s actually starting to fall for a girl. He always has to hide his true feelings, repress and bury them, lie about them in order to protect everyone around him. It’s hard for him to do, but he thinks it hurts him more than it could hurt her, so he manages it.

What adds even more layers to this is that Ruka is observing the whole thing. He sees Natsume’s actions as selfless but misfires on the motive a little--but only a little.

He recalls eating strawberries with Natsume and Aoi, with Aoi cheerfully discussing her newfound love for the fruits. And so Natsume gives his to her. Aoi is surprised, because strawberries are his favorites. He responds easily, “I hate them now.”

"For you," Natsume says.

Ruka knows what kind of person Natsume is, that Natsume would reject something he loves so that his loved ones can be happy. They’re both aware that they like the same girl, and Ruka can’t help but put the math together and assume that perhaps Natsume is doing this for him, hurting himself and bringing himself pain so that Ruka can be happy and pursue a girl he has a crush on guilt-free.

He’s even more convinced of the theory with the tiny panel that reminds us of when Natsume shoved Ruka into Mikan so they could dance. Natsume loves Mikan too, but he wants Ruka to be happy, so he will give up and even ruin his own chances to help out his best friend over himself.

When I say it’s a misfire, I mean that Natsume has a lot of other things going on, including Persona and his imminent death. It’s not that he definitely isn’t doing this for Ruka, it’s just that it’s not as major a factor as other things. He’s mainly doing it because of the threats from Persona. If Ruka is involved in his thought process, it’s mainly a bonus. Ruka’s theory is definitely not unfounded; just not completely accurate.

In any case, it does add extra substance to the dynamic between the three of them, where they all walk away from the moment with completely different kinds of misery.

Before any of them can sit with their sadness, though, they receive word that an intruder from Z is at the school.

Conclusion

In this section, we explored how Natsume has no choice but to distance himself from everybody, and even how the methods he uses to distance himself look different depending on the person. Ultimately, despite the fact that he isn't the sweetest kid you'll ever meet, Natsume being cruel to this extent isn't a quirk of his personality: it's what he has to do. If he didn't have so many things being held against him, he might be much kinder to Mikan, or more honest with Ruka, but he has no choice in the matter.

In the next edition, we're getting more involved in the Z Arc and going into how come Natsume goes from telling Mikan he hates her to backing her cause and going on a dangerous mission with her.

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sheep33hallow · 2 years

Text

Pastel (HisoIllu) 1/2

Summary: To understand his husband better, Illumi studies up on Lolita and Lolita fashion

Tags: Implied Child SA, Lolita, Lolita fashion, Married Couple

AN: This story will be triggering to some. I also understand the difference between Lolita(the book) and Lolita fashion, this is just a story. The second chapter is still a WIP, so it may be darker and more graphic than this chapter. This one is Illumi’s POV, and some implied stuff.

AO3

______________________

Illumi scrolls through his laptop. He’s in his bedroom at his desk in the apartment he shares with Hisoka. When he left home a few months ago, Hisoka was kind enough to open up his home to his partner in Heaven’s Arena. They were married, for killing reasons, his parents finding no fault in him living with his so-called husband.

He had to bring Hisoka home by the first of the year to meet everyone.

It is June now.

He continues to scroll, wanting to understand his husband. He looks at the petticoats, of different shapes and sizes for certain dresses available on the site, or any other site that sells Lolita items. He doesn’t know if he is more sweet or dark.

He has been watching videos online to understand the topic of this fashion. That the hairstyle does not matter, it is more about being presentable. He enjoys having a tangle free head, but other than that, he doesn’t put the effort into styling it another way. Then there are the shoes, he’ll have to buy those too.

Dark.

He thinks a dark Lolita would be his preferred style,

Yet….

It’s for Hisoka. Sweet may be the way to go for now.

He saw a pattern with balloons, and clowns and it was red like his husband’s current color. He was too tall for an OP, so a JSK may be the better option unless he finds a seller to commission a dress for him.

Illumi sighs. His eyes are starting to hurt from all of the thinking, and searching he’s been doing for the past week. He should take a break, but he wants this settled, and he doesn’t have any killings scheduled. He has the time.

Straining his ears for a moment, he notices silence from his husband’s room. He must be done. Looking at the clock, it reads 10pm.

Right on time.

Getting up from his desk, he walks into the kitchen. He’s in a nightshirt with no bottoms as his bare feet slide against the linoleum. When Hisoka is active, he’ll stay in his room. The living room has a perfect echo of the activities in Hisoka’s room. So loud.

Hisoka likes to draw it out. Though he hasn’t noticed it being more than three hours, depending on his person for the evening. His weekly ritual.

Illumi pours himself a drink of water. He leans on the counter as he drinks, continuing to think about his current project. He thinks a commission would be best. He’s read about the long wait for a dress being more than a month sometimes. He’ll find a seller that can do it in a week.

A thump is heard.

Then a door opens.

Hisoka strolls out, no shirt, his curls ungelled with plaid bottoms and socks. “Illumi.” He greets.

Illumi nods. “Hisoka.”

“Illumi, I’ve had a wonderful evening. I hope all is well with you or was I a bother?” He grins, walking into Illumi’s space.

The brunette puts his glass down on the counter. “You were not.”

“Good, good.” He coos. “Let me know if it ever is.”

“I doubt that I will. It does not concern me that you indulge in what makes you happy.”

“But we are married, are we not?”

Illumi raises an eyebrow. “Why state the obvious?” Illumi holds up his hand, the ring Hisoka bought for the both of them shines in the kitchen light. “Yes, we are.”

Hisoka clasped both of his hands around Illumi’s hand, bringing it to his lips. “You always have the softest skin Illumi. I await the day we can consummate our nuptials.” He kisses his fingers.

That’s something Illumi doesn’t understand about Hisoka. Why does he want to sleep with him so much? They are married for killing reasons, yet Hisoka will treat him in a way that his Father does for his Mother. Hisoka wants to be in the same bed together, but he refuses to sleep in a bed with as many guests who have touched those sheets. It’s odd to him.

That’s why he read the book called Lolita. He wants to understand how Hisoka ticks. He usually has to do research when preparing for a kill, so reading up on what type of person Hisoka is the first step.

After finishing the book, he understood it somewhat, and by a chance of reading tags, he found the fashion as well. So many people dress in juvenile ways. One can be juvenile at any age, he has learned. He wants his dress to fit him well, the shoes, and the stockings. He wants to present himself to Hisoka when every piece is together. He found a Lolita checklist of how to dress the part, and he aims to be perfect, like he was trained to be.

“Why do you want to sleep with me when you have your visitors?” Hisoka has taken to kissing up his arms. It reminds him of that American movie, the Addams Family. Particularly the male spouse, Gomez.

“I only touch them because I cannot touch you. Their skin is nowhere near this perfect. I thought only those of youth had skin this soft until I met you and learned.” He lays a kiss on Illumi’s elbow.

Illumi shivers. He gives Hisoka free range to touch him. He has grown up seeing his Father touch his Mother without asking first. He can do the same for Hisoka.

He has heard his Mother deny his Father sex.

Hisoka reaches Illumi’s shoulder, then nudges their nose together, a silent question. Illumi tilts his head slightly up. Allowing Hisoka a small peck of their lips. “Thank you.” Hisoka purrs. He curls a finger around a loc of Illlumi’s hair before letting it fall away. “I’m going to finish cleaning before it starts to smell. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Alright.” He watches Hisoka leave the kitchen, disappearing down the hallway.

Illumi lightly touches his lips.

He hopes Hisoka brushes his teeth before kissing him.

Letting his hand fall, he grabs his glass and goes over to the sink. A quick rinse before placing it on the drying rack. He goes back to his room.

He knows what to do now.

___________

2 weeks later

He’s in the elevator going down for his parcel. It takes time from the 234 floor, so he sometimes hears an interesting bit of news.

A man with green hair. “That latest casualty.” The man points to the poster on the wall. “Every time a kid seems to make it to the 200th level, they go missing.”

“How long has this been happening? This one looks around ten.” A woman named Enisuki. Illumi only knows her name because her children have a very foul murderous aura. She’s been widowed twice in the past year.

“I’d say around the last six months, consistently, but this is Heaven’s Arena. People always go missing.”

“So sad. Where are their parents when these children are going missing?” She shakes her head shamefully. She turns to Illumi. “Oh dear, how are you darling?”

Illumi’s focus was on watching the city through the glass as they descended. He looks up. “I am fine.”

She giggles. “That’s good to hear. Have you heard about all the children going missing?”

“I have.”

“Isn’t it terrible?”

Illumi blinks. Not sure how to answer. Was it terrible? “I suppose.”

“I don’t know how I would be if one of my little darlings went missing.” She wipes a fake tear from her face.

The green haired man laughs. “I doubt your little darlings could make it to the 200th floor.”

She quickly leaves Illumi’s side to yell at the man.

She stays distracted long enough for Illumi to get off.

At the parcel service, it’s everything he has ordered. One big box, and multiple small ones. A part of him feels what people would call excitement. He signs everything on the dotted line, and is about to turn away when the worker speaks up.

“We have a package for your husband, do you want to take it as well?”

He agrees to take the box. He signs for it as well.

In the elevator, he looks over Hisoka’s package, which has no return address.

He doesn’t think he has seen Hisoka order anything since living with the man. He’ll leave it on the kitchen table, and forget about it.

It doesn’t pertain to him.

Once back in his apartment, discards the box like he said he would, and continues on to his room.

Hisoka is out at a fight. No telling when he’ll be home.

He sits down on his bedroom floor, beginning to open up a box, one by one.

The seller was able to make him a clown inspired OP. Upon sight, the seller was true to the design she first showed Illumi. The shoes were red with a box on the strap. He settled on blue over the knee stockings.

A small clown hat originally came with the dress, but Illumi asked for a white bareet to match.

He lays everything out on the bed.

It looks very nice.

From the puff balls, to the clown bears, and the designs of the balloon.

He’ll leave a tip.

He has no idea how HIsoka will react, but that's the whole point of this project. He has an idea of putting everything perfectly together, and walking into Hisoka’s room for his opinion of his outfit. Will Illumi look juvenile enough? He thinks so. On some message boards, he read about people dropping their age as well when they dress like this. Age five, six or 13, and playing like that age.

He taps his chin in thought. What would be a good age for him? He’s 26 now, would 12 be young enough or should he go lower? 10 maybe? LIke that missing boy.

A thump takes him out of his thoughts. He takes a step into the hallway, and listens.

Thump.

Walking into the living room, the package is still there, so no HIsoka as of yet.

Thump.

Back up to the hallway, he goes into Hisoka’s room. The thumping is louder.

He rarely goes into Hisoka’s room, but the sound is distracting him too much, so he’ll deal with whatever it is quickly. He turns the knob, and the thumping stops for a moment, and he hears shuffling.

The door creaks the farther in he goes. He shuts it behind him. Looking around, he sees blood on the carpet. Following the trail to the other side of the bed, a cry meets him.

The missing child.

Huh.

“Please help me sir.” The child cries. “That man told me he would feed me but I’ve been in his room for so long.”

Illumi feels nothing for the boy. “Do you want food?”

“I want to leave!” He cries harder. The boy's feet and arms are bound with Hisoka’s gum.

“But you said Hisoka said he would feed you, we have food in the kitchen.”

“I just want to leave. He–he touched me a lot last night. I was bleeding. It hurts.” The snot follows.

Illumi pauses. This boy may be able to answer a few of his questions. “Does Hisoka like when you bleed?” Illumi squats down in front of the boy.

The boy pauses in his cries. Illumi hopes he can help. “He–uh.” The boy sniffs. His body was shaking, as if relieving a bad memory. “I don’t know, but he never stopped when I saw blood on my leg. He bit me, and kissed me.”

Hisoka does like to kiss.

Illumi tilts his head. “Did you enjoy it?”

“NO! I want to go. I don’t even know how my legs and feet are stuck. That’s why I was hitting the floor when I woke up. They must be numb, and I need to wake them up.” He says frantically.

So the boy doesn’t know nen yet.

Pathetic.

Why would Hisoka find interest in this boy?

“Please help me go sir.” He pleads.

“Even if I did, I cannot release the nen placed on you. You would not be able to go far.”

The boy wipes his noses on his oversized shirt. “Nen? What’s that?”

“You cannot see, so there is no point in explaining.” Illumi stands, the child bores him.

“SIr! Don’t go!” The child cries, as Illumi walks closer to the door.

He’s so loud.

Illumi throws a dart into the boy’s neck, and he drops.

He won’t kill unless paid, so he knocks the child out for a few more hours. When Hisoka comes home, he can deal with it.

Opening the door, he can only thank his training for not jumping at seeing Hisoka on the other side. “You are back.”

HIsoka is frowning. There are tears in his outfit. Looking over Illumi’s shoulder. “Is he dead?” He asks in lieu of his more merry greetings.

Illumi shakes his head.

HIsoka perks back up. “Excellent.”

“Did you see your package on the table?” Illumi moves out of the way for Hisoka to enter. The clown begins stripping off his clothes.

“I did.” He sits on the edge of his bed to take his socks off. “I bought it for you.”

Illumi's hand is still holding the doorknob. “Me? Why?”

Hisoka giggles. “Think of it as a late wedding gift.”

Illumi doesn’t know how to respond. Why does it matter? Now he’ll have to find something for Hisoka. Well after this experiment, he might know more than enough of what to buy him. “I am going to my room.”

Hisoka nods in acknowledgement. “Let me know what you think at dinner.”

Illumi closes the door behind him. He walks over to the table, he picks up the package, and goes into his room. He plans on wearing the outfit at dinner, so it can be a win-win for both of them.

Inside, it sits at his desk. He sharpens the nails on his hands, and slices it open.

He drops the box upon sight.

How?

How did he find out?

Illumi uses a secure internet outside of the one Hisoka pays for…..

The one his family uses for business. There could be no way.

Shock tickles at the back of his neck.

It was a petticoat.

Illumi’s OP

#hisoillu #illumi zoldyck #Hisoka #hxh fanfic #hunter x hunter

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