I wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy Ocean Saga release <3

Now go listen to Epic: The Musical.

HELLO i hope this ask finds u well :]

so not to be annoying or anything but out of curiosity (and immense unending passion for the topic and also your fanfic) is there a chance the uhf fic will finish? not like, right now or in a month, but just in general :)) sorry ive read the draft like 10 times by now and yknow lol :)) have a lovely day from the weird al fans of tumblr!!

hello!!! your ask finds me in one of my labs, hunkered down between classes.

it's completely alright to ask! there's always a chance I'll go back to any of my drafts [including anything I've posted to ao3 and unfortunately abandoned over the years], but I'm still working on my longer ted lasso fic [which is now at 123k! very weird to know I wrote that much] and I'm a bit worried that trying to revisit an older draft might knock me out of my groove before I finish it.

that being said! I still do incredibly appreciate all the love you + others have given the draft so far; it's so sweet to see people so passionate about something I'm playing around with [and I think of the one comic that was drawn nearly every day]. there's a scene or two that're further down the plot of the story than I wrote in the draft [ergo, doesn't take place right where the draft stops] but I'd still love to share it as a thank-you. as always, it's very unedited, very rough, but hopefully something to y'all will enjoy. :) have a nice day as well!

Sinatra wasn’t the worst to listen to, but when it seemed as though all the radio stations in Oklahoma could loop through were the man’s Christmas albums, Robert could understand why some people would have a grudge against the guy. It’d been an hour and a half of Sinatra, Sinatra, and even more Sinatra, slowly driving a wedge into whatever Christmas spirit he still had at the ripe-old age of twenty-five. 

Teri’s parents lived all the way in the suburbs of Oklahoma City, a far cry away from his and George’s apartment in Tulsa. Usually, the traffic would make him wish for a day where faster-than-light travel was the norm, but at two in the morning on Christmas Day, I-44 had been all but deserted.

Even with the lights strung ‘round each house, little reindeer pulling plastic sleighs that gleamed back under his headlights, Robert had to turn his brights on to see the house numbers. His car slowed to a crawl, creeping through the picture of perfect suburbia. 

Each house was perfect in its own right; a blanket of snow on each lawn, a wreath on each door, a brand new car or two in each driveway. He’d bet his life savings that all (save one or two) of the houses had perfect families, too. A husband and his wife, their two kids, an overexcited dog or a temperamental cat. 

It used to nauseate him, seeing places like this, knowing this would be his life. That he’d be the father waking up on Christmas to a wife wrapped around him, that he’d have to -, do things with her that he didn’t want to think about doing. 

He shuddered, chilled despite his heater working overtime and then some. Usually, his car was on the colder side ‘cause Robert ran hot, but George was more delicate than he was. He hadn’t grown up in Oklahoma, wasn’t used to how cold the winters got. If George had it his way, they’d live in a damn blast furnace from the second the temperature began to drop. 

He parked, an inch from the curb of the nicest house he’d ever seen, staring at a mailbox that someone’d painted “The Cambells” on in curly, vintage font. 

With a pre-emptive cringe, he honked his horn, quick as he could. It was what he’d told George he’d do when he got here, letting him know he was good to run out. 

Robert stared at the door, waiting to see the familiar head of curls he’d grown fond of. He didn’t know what to expect, not after getting a frantic phone call at half-past midnight, begging for him to pick him up. 

There was a joke somewhere in there, that George got lucky that Robert’s a night owl, but before he could hoot down the phone, he’d realized George was serious. It wasn’t some midnight worry, not a kid asking his mom to pick him up ‘cause he can’t sleep without a certain blanket. 

George knew how far the drive was, how miserable it’d be to drive in the middle of the night. He knew how bad it’d be for him and Teri if he disappeared without goodbye.

And yet, he called.

Robert didn’t think there’d ever be a time in his life where he wouldn’t answer.

tagged by @rachel-bloom ily!!

what book are you currently reading? 

before i fall by lauren oliver. just a quick reread before i (hopefully) get some new books for christmas!

what’s your favorite movie you saw in theaters this year? 

well i only saw 2 in theaters (top gun: maverick and don’t worry darling), sooo out of those 2... i guess it would have to be top gun

what do you usually wear? 

currently i’m loving sweaters/flannels/hoodies + basic blue jeans or black leggings. my fave jacket atm is my yellowjackets letterman that i spent way too much money on

how tall are you? 

i guess like 5′3-ish? but honestly people tell me i seem taller so? maybe the doctor has been lying all these years who knows

what’s your star sign? 

gemini, unfortunately

do you go by your name or a nickname?

i prefer my nickname! just em for me, thanks.

did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child? 

i went through a few phases as a kid tbh. first i wanted to be a vet, then a teacher. neither of those have panned out. i’m still in school and i’ve been writing as a hobby for over 10 years so i guess you could say i’m still doing what i liked to do for fun when i was a kid? but career-wise, so far nope.

are you in a relationship? if not, who is your crush if you have one? 

i am not. and currently my only crushes are talented famous people who don’t know i exist.

dogs or cats? 

dogs!

if you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favorite picture/favorite line/favorite etc. from something you created this year?

i jumped around several fandoms and projects this year, but my baby for 2022 would have to be my yellowjackets time loop fic “freeze”. probably my favorite line for it atm is “In every version of today, Jackie is falling for her best friend. On another today, she even got to kiss her. That will have to be enough.” god i just love jackie and shauna so so much

what’s something you would like to create content for?

there are several fandoms that i get momentarily obsessed with and then they seem to pass through my awareness like sand in a sieve. i would be quite late to the party, but i’d still like to finish that paper girls fic i started someday. i also want to write something leighton-focused for the sex lives of college girls because yeah, i obviously have a Type when it comes to characters.

what’s something you’re currently obsessed with? 

yellowjackets, always. also sex lives of college girls and wednesday (was not expecting that one, but here we are)

what’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year? 

don’t worry darling 🙈 i’m such a big florence fan so i really was looking forward to it. i also thought i was let down by taylor’s new album but i’ve warmed up to midnights after a few more listens (still feel meh towards it compared to folklore & evermore, tho)

what’s a hidden talent of yours?

umm... is it weird to say problem-solving? just like generic everyday issues, sometimes it seems like i look at them from a different angle than my family does

are you religious? 

nope! still celebrate certain “religious” holidays tho

what’s something you wish to have at this moment? 

call me materialistic, but a nice new car. the speaker system/radio in mine is completely shot and i’m just tired of it lmao

tagging @avatrices @wannaliveattheholidayinn @wirypsychiatrist @crockettmarcel @flythesail @lessonincanvases @alittlebitbrave but zero pressure ofc

also tagging anyone who sees this and wants to do it!! i’d love to learn how y’all are doing!

MusicOr... Wendy and Yoko by Maisie Peters

Favorite Lyrics (Wendy): She almost loses her way ⬩ Cause she followed him after one look ⬩⬩ Take the hand and go with him ⬩ Be the clock that he watches ⬩ Wait until he gets bored and wanders back to the forest ⬩ Lose the world that you live in ⬩ Pretend that it's what you wanted ⬩ It's a life I could have, I know;

Favorite Lyrics (Yoko): You have a phone, you should've called;

Other Favorite Songs: Coming of Age, Watch, The Band and I; Lost The Breakup; Therapy, Holy Revival, Truth Is;

Living in London brings me things I wouldn't experience in my hometown. From the depression of long nights in dark days, to the songs I listen to while working out at the gym. While I'm learning my routine, I'm exposed to the playlist they play there, and that's a silly thing that makes me realize how glad I am to be here. I would never hear Troye Sivan on my local radio. Neither Maisie Peters. She's not new to me, but when I heard her there I thought that would only be fair to listen more of her now that I live in her hometown. So that's what I did this Christmas Eve.

The idea was to shuffle through her album, The Good Witch, and Troye Sivan's and Ed Sheeran's too (which has Plastic Bag, my favorite off that kind of depressing album), but my phone, knowing me so well, decided that I should listen to Wendy first and... I couldn't change it. That's something I love seeing it happening. What hit me first was the magical production... I need to learn how it's called that mystical sound that circles through our heads during the chorus, like precious stones being handled by angel hands because it's definitely something I need to have in my songs.

Here we have that recurrent theme I love, with a fairy tale approach. Lost boy wanders in the forest while someone's out there waiting for the magic of flights around Neverland. I've been thinking a lot about how much I love being alone, but how I also want so bad to have someone to share life with. I guess it makes sense me feeling deep in my bones the story of following lost boys after one look, almost losing my way, because my soulmate must be somewhere lost, trying to find himself and I'm always looking for it, even though I try hard not to more and more each day.

Then I also guess that there's an enticing spark in picturing rocks being thrown at a window, or seeing someone being sorry on the floor, losing all the powers and beauty they once used against us. In a cruel way, but in a real way, shows that life is moving. Is happening. Lately I'm all about letting go and letting flow, but I'm still so used to being a trier that being quiet screams really loud sometimes.

Not moving can almost feel like I'm losing something. Like I should be doing something. Anything. It's hard to remember that God, or the universe, knows what I want and what I deserve. All I want is to open my wings and just fly through space, but how can I do that when everything feels so paralyzingly new and impossible? I can see so much of myself in Wendy, but at the end, maybe I'm just the Peter Pan in this scenario. Who knows? I wish I was the one calling like the future, just to close like a fist later. It seems easier.

On the other hand, Yoko took a bit of time to get me under a chokehold. At first, I had the song out of my loop, but then one day I decided to give it a chance, and the line "you have a phone, you should've called" stayed engraved in my mind like a chant. I guess that's the story of my life, dealing with people that know how to reach me but never do. One day, someone told me that if I expect something from a person — like a reach out — maybe I should think if I was doing that first, as if the fault of not being contacted was mine for not contacting first. It just doesn't sound right to me because the thing is that it shouldn't feel like someone should feel like they need to contact someone. It should be spontaneous.

Either way, that's not what the song is about, but that's the line that makes me want to replay it over and over again. The last chorus is just built so incredibly. The whole album is incredible to be honest. How not to listen to Lost The Breakup and feel like a bad bitch, even though usually I'm always losing the breakups? Or how not to listen to The Band And I and hope that one day this will be my song? And I won't mention how Truth Is became my new year anthem as I was crying listen to it on the underground on New Year's Day. I didn't think I would be so addicted to this record, but I can't listen to anything else but it. Maisie is definitely a good witch. She put a spell on this, and I can't get out of it. Not that I would want to, anyway.

Happy birthday!!!! We're the same age now omg!! I hope you've an awesome day!!!! I'm actually on a trip right now with my brother so I'll make sure to order some cake to celebrate! I'm sorry about your presentation, it really sucks when you don't do as well as you want 😔 but I'm happy to hear about the guy that's so exciting and he sounds nice!! my classes went well but I'm kind of upset because on one of my final papers I got a way better grade than I deserve and I feel bad for people who tried. I wrote it like half an hour before it was due and actually missed the deadline by a couple minutes so I had to email it to my professor but it was less than half as long as it was supposed to be and didn't have a conclusion and I didn't use actual evidence it was just really bad but I got an a??? And like I shouldn't complain but I will I did not deserve that grade >:( I'm really happy with my necklace, though!!! It's so so pretty and I would share it with you if I could :( I'm not really doing anything for the holidays, I get back from my trip right before Christmas but my older brothers won't be able to come to celebrate with us like they usually do 😔 but we'll call them so it'll be okay. I hope you have fun with your family!!! I'm so dependent on my family idk what I'll do when I move out >.< I actually graduated this semester so I'm done with school?? And I'm starting my career?? Wild. But I'm planning on traveling so I'll have to get used to doing stuff by myself -_- I totally understand about the spotify wrapped I wish you didn't have to go through all that to get the stats and could just see it cause it's a little much. My top artist was Beyoncé because her new album is so good and I can't stop listening it's on loop and my top song... was misery business... I honestly didn't think I listened to it that much but I guess I did. The Disney specials weren't that great now, I really just watched them for the nostalgia but phineas and ferb holds up well I actually watch it a lot... I can match every song to its episode it's kinda sad... but it's fun! Marianne was a really weird show it's about this author whose haunted by some witch demon ghost thing it's really good but it's also super freaky so you probably don't want to watch it... my favourite genres are horror and rom coms which I know is kind of an odd match but idk I've always liked them and they have their own separate appeal 🤷‍♀️ and omg you're going to Paris??? That's so cool!!! I'm actually going next year! Have an amazing time and tell us all about it!!! I think that's everything so have an awesome day!!! -💕

thank you 💕 for the birthday wishes, i truly appreciate it and im glad to be age mates now !!! my day was awesome indeed thank you so much :DDD i hope you guys are having the best time and if you do end up ordering cake i hope it’s the loveliest yummiest cake in the world ⭐️⭐️⭐️ 

i have this one friend who’s been studying abroad and i haven’t seen him since september when he left but he came home to surprise me for my birthday and i literally cried so hard it was so so so sweet and i really appreciate him :’))) it sucks he had to go back yesterday though it was great seeing him anyways <3

it was a design project where we had to design and present our idea for a housing estate and i did well in terms of my part of the design and other things i contributed which i’m happy about !!! just sucks i didn’t express it well enough on the day but it’s alright :))) he is really sweet, he ended up calling me to say happy birthday and then we spoke for like 20 minutes about random stuff and caught up a little which was really so so lovely .. sigh 

you got an A??? that’s SUPER impressive on it’s own but especially considering the time frame you had !!! i definitely understand that aspect of feeling bad but it’s over and done with now so don’t beat yourself up too hard ! congrats anyways :DDD 

the necklace is gorgeous honestly, please wear it enough for the both of us hahahahh - you are so sweeeeet !!! 

sorry to hear that your older brothers won’t be able to join you though :( it’s good that you guys will be able to call and chat though and i hope you have a good time nonetheless ! and at least you’re on this trip with your one brother :) 

i actually moved out for my first year but i had to go back home because of covid and everything and i remember being so worried about being away from my family but it’ll be easier than you think when you do end up moving ! don’t worry too much about it 

AND WOWWWWW YOU GRADUATED??? wow wow wow CONGRATULATIONS THAT IS SO SO MAJOR IM VERY PROUD OF YOU 🥳🥳🥳 and i definitely feel that about finishing everything up.. if everything goes well i’ll be graduating in the summer which is just.. insane to think about – though im looking at applying for a postgrad so i’ll have a little more time :p 

wishing you the best of luck in the world of work when the time comes ! i believe in you 110% :DDD travelling will be so so so much fun ugh my older brotherwent travelling a couple years back and had the best time so i’m hoping the same for you if you’re able to <333 

i actually haven’t listened to her new album yet.. any stand out tracks i should look forward to? OHHHH MISERY BUSINESS oh my gosh i used to listen to paramore all the time that’s so awesome of you wow 

phineas and ferb oh wow i remember loving it so much, such a good theme song as well, AND THAT IS NOT SAD i think it’s really cool actually, i hope to rewatch and be as well versed as you someday :) and wow marianne sounds .. terrifying. but i’m glad you enjoyed it ! 

do you think there’s a market for horror romcom hybrids because rhat would probably be super interesting.. do you have a favourite romcom? 

and oh my god yes i am .. i genuinely can’t believe it :ooo i’m going with my best friend and i’m so so so excited for everything we’ll experience ! extra special because it’ll be our first overnight trip together so im hoping to make the best memories in the world and i’ll for sure talk about it forever and in detail i think 😭😭😭 

so fun you’re going there too, i hope you have the best time and i can’t wait to hear about it !!! 

i hope you have an awesome day too thank u so much and again 🫂🫂🫂

A Holiday Album That Avoids All the Cliches? "Bah Humbug," Says Darren Criss

The stage and screen star, of Glee and Hedwig fame, just released a collection of songs that goes extra hard on holiday spirit.

Darren Criss, the actor and singer who co-starred in Glee for six seasons (Kurt’s dreamboat boyfriend!) and more recently won an Emmy and several other awards for his portrayal of Andrew Cunanan in The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story, spent the better part of last year in a studio recording holiday songs for a new album. The experience left him in an unusual frame of mind. “You know that feeling during the holidays when everything finally slows down and you really have time to think?” he said in a chat with T&C. “It’s calm but it’s also a little wistful? Well that’s how I felt for almost 12 months and it was really great.”

A Very Darren Crissmas, which debuted last week, includes a mix of familiar songs, lesser-known B-sides by his favorite artists, and one composed by him. He is accompanied in a few by Adam Lambert, Rachel Evan Wood, and Lainey Wilson. Later this year, he will embark on a multi-city tour, including dates in New York, Chicago, Boston, and others, starting on December 3.

To an outsider, making a holiday album might seem simultaneously intimidating (benchmarks already set by Bing, Dolly, Ella, Frank, Johnny, etc.) and perilous (do the job too well and you end up being played in elevators), but Criss was happy to correct musical misconceptions.

Is it hard to avoid cliches while working in this particular genre?

I’d like to offer a counterpoint to that idea. I believe Christmas albums are a wonderful excuse to embrace cliches in a way that you're not allowed to throughout the year. My general MO in life is to try to challenge people's ideas and have them reevaluate their relationship to something. You know, what can make this interesting to me in a way that also may reintroduce it to people who think they know it?

Did this require a special strategy?

I've written for a lot of different kinds of things—musicals, pop—and I'm a big believer in dressing for the party—in other words knowing what the dress code is and honoring the thing that makes it work. If you're going to a summer wedding, you wear lighter colors. There is a kind of loose dress code for Christmas albums that you don't have the rest of the year. Chords, harmonic devices, and jazz arrangements that are just a little too, I don't know, Christmas-y, but that for a handful of weeks, the rules completely change and you can run with it. Think about it, nobody rolls their eyes around Christmas and says, “Oh, you wrapped my present again.” Or, “You got a Christmas tree again.”

In what ways did you dress for this party but also make it personal?

Aside from the painfully convenient pun of my last name in the album title? No, it was the song selection. The hardest part for me was curating what songs we included. If I had my way, I would have made a whole album full of songs no one has ever heard before. But I knew I had to have pieces that people are familiar with enough to use as a gateway drug, to the other songs that I'm almost certain people have no familiarity with. So I made sure to arrange them in a way where they felt familiar when you heard them. Like, “Oh wait, is this a Frank song?”

One example is, “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.” This song was a novelty hit in the 1950s. It's not covered a whole lot, but when it is, it's usually by a female artist and it's done more or less exactly the same as the original record. I tried to approach it irreverently but also with a great deal of affection. You know, doing it in halftime, breaking it up with 808 beats and contemporary drum loops.

Which lesser-known song were you most delighted to reintroduce your listeners to?

I think the crown jewel of the album—and I'm very proud of all of my babies—is “New Year.” It is a Regina Spektor song from one of her seminal albums, and my longtime friend and producer Ron Fair and I were continually surprised by how much this song kind of took on a life of its own. Typically, musicians close holiday albums with a song about the New Year and usually it’s with either “Auld Lang Syne” or “What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?”

I really wanted to find a new song that could kind of maybe join that list and this one is almost bittersweet but it has this message about being extremely grateful for where we are, what we’ve been given, and being excited to get to do it again. Sonically, we kind of turned it into a '70s arena rock kind of tune. I hope people can really dial into that song because it's one of our proudest moments.

7 Secrets Drabbles

The one where Beth finds the diss track

Yes, I know. This has been pending on my m.list for a while now. However, I wanted to wish @dreamcatcherjiah (as well as all my followers) a very merry Christmas and happy holidays! I know some of you really wanted to see/requested what went down with the diss track (a kind of inside joke between Joon and Beth) so here we are. Thank you to everyone who has supported me and given my works a fighting chance lol. 

7 Secrets is my baby and I just have such a soft spot for Beth and Joon. 🥺🥺 If you haven’t read it yet...just do it. Read it. It’s a good time, I promise.

Merry Christmas!! Enjoy! ⇊

In my defense, I wasn’t planning on snooping around Joon’s workspace. It just kind of happened. 

We were supposed to meet up at the company building to head out to dinner with everyone. Today is a big day: it marks six months since the day we met. 

Six months since I first stepped into that little room just a couple of floors above where I now sit. My heart nearly beating out of my chest and Namjoon standing on the other side of the room. 

My entire future, right in front of me. 

The boys have been busy the past couple of months, I’ve hardly gotten to see any of them due to their new album coming out soon. Promotions are brutal; I’ve begun to see that. Every so often Namjoon will show up at my office completely out of the blue, give me a short greeting, and promptly take a nap on my couch. He says it’s one of the only places he can actually close his eyes without worrying about someone coming to the door and seeing how the album is coming along.

Even though I wish we had more time to just be together, I think those spare minutes with Namjoon snoring up a storm while I work quietly at my desk are my favorite minutes of the week. 

Namjoon’s studio is empty when I arrive, oddly enough. I’m sure he’ll be up in a few minutes; chances are he’s in a meeting with the project manager or in somebody else’s studio. 

“What do we have here?” I wonder aloud as I plop down on his swivel chair, scooting forward to look at the post-it notes scattered all around his desk. Most of them make little to no sense to me, as they all consist of producer slang and half-formed thoughts. 

There’s one though that really catches my attention. “Oooh what song is this?” Scrawled down on a bright yellow sticky note, Namjoon has written out, ‘decide whether or not to include first breath in the album’. 

See, I would’ve been more than happy to just wonder what song he was talking about and maybe ask him about it later, but is it really my fault if he kept his laptop open and signed in? 

It’s all too easy to click on his files and scroll through them until I see what song he’s talking about. 

If I really think hard about it, maybe this is my way of helping him with work. If I like the song, then I’ll just tell him to add it to the album. There! One sticky note down, five thousand to go!

I can’t find any headphones, so I just make sure the volume is low before double clicking on the file. 

Hoseok’s voice comes first, quickly followed by Yoongi’s. One after another the rap line begins to tell a story. 

It doesn’t take long for me to realize that this is a true story. 

By the time the chorus rolls around, I’m sitting on the edge of my seat, clinging to the arm rest as though it’s the only thing keeping me in reality. Suddenly the question of whether or not he should include this in the album makes sense; it’s clear that this is a very personal song. It’s about us. 

About me, I realize as Namjoon’s voice flows out. There’s a bit of disdain in his voice as he raps I had to hold my breath for seven years just to make everyone happy and that’s when I put two and two together. 

This is the diss track. The diss track that’s not really a diss track but in a way is a diss track because we were kept apart for so long. 

Yoongi is drawling out the final few notes when I hear someone clear their throat behind me. 

“Having fun?”

I slam my knee up into the underside of Namjoon’s desk, crying out as I rub it. Namjoon comes over to my side, crouching beside me and cutting the music before putting his hands over my sore knee. 

“Why did you have to scare me so bad?” I whine, hissing as Namjoon’s hands ghost over my knee. He grins at me, not looking at all apologetic. 

“Since when did you start sneaking into my studio and listening to my music?” Namjoon’s voice is light, but I can see that he’s panicking a bit. 

Rightly so. 

“That was the diss track!” I practically shout, pointing at the screen. “I can’t believe you’ve never let me listen to it!”

Namjoon shakes his head, looking a little off as he pulls me to my feet. “It’s...you ready to eat?”

He dodges all of my other questions as we head out into the black SUV. I glare at him from where I sit beside him, only wanting an answer to my question. 

Namjoon looks exhausted. More exhausted than I’ve ever seen him. He struggles to keep his eyes in one place as he stares out the window, his knee bobbing up and down. 

His legs instantly settle as I place my hand atop his knee. “Did you really not want me to listen to it?”

Namjoon exhales a long sigh, finally turning to look at me. “I...isn’t it a bit overwhelming? I mean, that’s what the guys said when we recorded it. It’s all a bit too much, don’t you think?”

I furrow my brows, shaking my head. Of all the things that these boys have done, this is the project that seems over the top? “Of course not. Why do you think that?”

Shrugging his shoulders, Namjoon takes my hand in his and begins to study it like it’s some sort of newly discovered species. “I mean, the entire song is about how I felt like I never even breathed before I met you. It’s basically me confessing my undying devotion. Don’t you think that’s a little hardcore? Maybe too hardcore to put in the album?”

He has a point. It’s only about five months since we went public. Suddenly dropping a song that’s dedicated to his soulmate and not to his fans would probably hurt more than inspire. 

“Can I tell you what I think?”

Namjoon’s eyes are bright as he nods at me. “Always.”

“I think you’re both right and wrong.” Namjoon looks confused but he doesn’t interrupt. “It’s intense, sure. Hardcore? Maybe. But it’s how you feel. And that’s all that really matters. I, for one, think it’s pretty great. It’s nice to know that you feel like that.”

“So you think I should put it into the album?”

I shrug. “If you want to, I guess. It’s up to you. I see where you’re hesitating; some people might not take to it. Especially since it hasn't been that long since everything happened. But I do think that there are probably some people out in the world that would like it.”

Namjoon nods, taking on a serious expression as he looks back out the window. It’s quiet for the rest of the ride; something that I’ve grown accustomed to with Namjoon. It’s only as we’re arriving at the small restaurant that everyone has gathered at that he turns back to me. I wait for him to speak, playing with the ring on his finger as he gathers his thoughts. 

He sighs heavily, his breath making my hair fly and making me smile. He smiles back, albeit a little uncertainly. 

“Can’t we be selfish?”

I stare up at him. That’s not what I expected. “What...what do you mean?”

Namjoon rolls his shoulders. “I love the song. And I’m so happy that you love it, too. And while I think that there might be a few people in the world that might love it as well, I just...I want to be selfish for once.”

He quiet for a moment as he prepares to say the rest of his speech. Turning to face him completely, I see the bodyguards outside the back entrance of the restaurant. The others must already be here. 

“You...you’re everything to me.” Namjoon fights to keep a light tone, but I can see right through him. “And I already share so much with the rest of the world. I even have to share you, in a way. We have to be so open and transparent about everything, which I get it. It’s good. I don’t mind most of the time. But just this once, I want to be selfish. This one time, I don’t want to share.”

I slide over closer to him, smiling softly as his arms automatically encircle me. “So you don’t want to include the song in the album?”

Namjoon shakes his head. “No. I don’t. I want it to be our song. Just ours. For your eyes and ears only.”

Reaching up to brush his hair away from his forehead I can’t help but laugh a little. My soulmate stares down at me, trying to figure out what’s made me laugh this time. 

“What’s so funny about that?”

I shake my head. “No, I get it. That’s...perfect. Really. I would love nothing more than to be selfish with you.”

“Then...?”

Leaning up to brush a kiss against his cheek, I marvel at the way his cheeks still go a little red even after all these months. “I just can’t believe that you dedicated an entire diss track to me. I’m flattered.”

Namjoon rolls his eyes, groaning as he leans over to open the car door. “You’re the worst.”

I laugh, following after him and instantly feeling better as I see that he doesn’t look quite so weighed down anymore. “No way! You can’t say that after you just dedicated a song to me! What was it that you say in it again? My first breath after swimming or something?”

Namjoon whirls around, feigning offense as he loops his arms around my shoulders. “It’s you’re my first breath after drowning under their expectations you little punk. Get it right.”

“Oooh, that’s right.” We push the door open and follow the sound of familiar voices. “Well, since you wrote a song about me...”

Namjoon pauses, pulling on my arm as I try to go on without him. “What? You can’t just say things like that and not finish them!”

I cackle at his exasperated expression. “I can’t really say much yet, but I’ll say this. Stay tuned for a new Webtoon about a pair of star-crossed soulmates.”

Namjoon’s eyes widen, a bit of boyish excitement peeking through. “Wait...really?” I nod. “That’s amazing! It’s about us, isn’t it? When is it coming out? Did you already pitch the idea? What are their-”

I cut him off, laughing as I back away from him. “Nope. That’s all the information you’re going to get, Joon.”

“What?! Why?”

Everyone goes quiet as we near the room, and I swear I can hear Taehyung mumbling something about how we’re here and as loud as always. 

Holding up six fingers in front of my soulmate’s face, I glare at him. “Six months, Kim Namjoon. You made me wait six months before I found the song. And you didn’t even show me! Consider this my revenge.”

Striding off and leaving him in the dust, I barely catch what he mumbles under his breath, but I’m pretty sure I hear something along the lines of met my match and insufferable. 

Winking at him over my shoulder, I can’t help but agree. 

I’ve definitely met my match. 

taglist: @mae-musicbitch @heartblackerthancoffee​ @agustneeds​ @eusticenatalie​ @taylorroe3​ @dreamcatcherjiah​

5 Times You Posted about Him, and One Time He Posted about You | Chris Kreider

I sent an anon to @kreiderrider​ way back at the end of April for Chris’ birthday and still haven’t stopped thinking about it, so apparently I’m writing it now. also for @bobohtuzzo​ for our never-ending loop of being mean to each other with Chris gifs.

TL;DR: this is Taylor’s fault for making me a Kreider girl, and and both hers Bayan’s fault for encouraging and enabling me.

length: 2.8k words

You knew when you started dating Chris that he was not social media’s biggest fan. And that was fine. You were hardly an influencer yourself, and you were pretty sure you followed more dogs than people on Instagram. So the pictures you took of Chris– Chris being cute, Chris doing mundane things, Chris with his bitchface on– stayed firmly in a locked album on your phone.

Until one day when you were sitting on the couch, leaning against Chris while he read a book, flipping through Instagram stories on your phone. One of your friends from high school had posted a cute picture with her boyfriend, and you paused to look at it. Chris rested his chin on your shoulder to peer at your phone. 

“They’re cute,” he murmured, pressing a quick kiss to your shoulder. You hummed in agreement. “How come you never post about me?”

You twisted around to look at him. “First of all, how do you even know that I don’t? Second of all, you want nothing to do with any sort of social media.” 

Chris flicked your nose. “Mika tells me things. And I don’t hate social media, I just don’t really get the point of it. Who the fuck cares what I’m doing every second of the day, who I got lunch with, where I got lunch? Anyway, I don’t really mind if you post about me every once in a while. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide our relationship just because I avoid Instagram like the plague.” Chris pressed a kiss to your forehead to punctuate his sentence. 

You settled back in against Chris, resuming your mindless scrolling, and looking forward to the first opportunity to show off your boyfriend. 

Chef Chris Chris loved to cook. Part of it came from his absolutely ridiculous diet, you knew, but he also enjoyed the quiet time that cooking gave him, a way to be productive without requiring a ton of energy. The kitchens in either of your apartments were often filled with the smell of something good, for lunches, for dinners on nights off, for a quick meal after a game. Chris rarely let you help him with anything, which was fine because you preferred to bake, and it let you watch him. 

There was something about watching Chris cook that you just adored. He would always end up so focused, a strange intensity in his eyes that resembled the look he sometimes got on the ice. But then you would say something– a stupid joke that you’d seen on the internet, a funny story from work, or a something ridiculous your dog had done that morning– and he would laugh, his eyes lighting up again, and his dimples showing. 

Tonight, Chris was standing over the stove making a risotto. You had begged him for it during a rare full weekend off at home for the Rangers, and he had finally conceded. One of your playlists was playing softly in the living room, and you were perched on a barstool at the island, your dog curled beneath your feet. You weren’t sure if he wanted to be close to you, or if he was just waiting for Chris to give him a piece of chicken. 

Chris was stirring the risotto intently, his tongue poking out the corner of his mouth a little bit. You were already scrolling through your phone, so you couldn’t resist snapping a quick picture for your Instagram story, simply throwing an emoji of a chef in the corner.

You were checking the views on your story later that night and responding to the few people that had replied to it, when Chris saw your phone screen. 

“Hang on, gimme that,” he said, pausing the hockey game he was watching. “How did I not notice you take this?” He looked closer at your phone. “And how many fucking followers do you have, holy shit.”

You took your phone back, seeing that Brett Howden had asked why he didn’t get any dinner. “I got a bunch more after I started dating you,” you said. Chris looked concerned. “Don’t make that face, you dork. I don’t really care, and if I did, I could just make my account private.” 

Chris still looked a little alarmed at the number of people who had seen him cook dinner, but he turned back to the hockey game, anyway. 

Sing Us a Song There was a piano in Chris’ apartment. It was tucked away in the spare bedroom, and he avoided playing it when people were over, even when it was just the two of you. You had lamented that fact once, and Chris had said something about just wanting to spend all his time focused on you. You let it go, but that didn’t mean you weren’t dying to hear him play, especially since everyone who had could only compliment him.

It was nearly Christmas when you let yourself into Chris’ apartment with your spare key. The two of you had spent an entire weekend decorating, and the space was absolutely filled with Christmas spirit. You had been baking cookies, and you were dropping some off for Chris to bring home to Massachusetts and his family. You smiled as you heard the familiar chords of “Celebrate Me Home” echoing through the apartment. Your penchant for listening to Christmas music at all hours was beginning to rub off on Chris finally. You paused, though, when you realized that the voice drifting through the apartment was not Kenny Loggins, but Chris. 

You set the cookies and your purse down gently on a counter, kicking off your snow boots and quietly making your way through the apartment. You peered around the doorway of the spare bedroom. Chris’ back was to you, since the piano faced the windows looking out over the city, as he continued singing. You slipped your phone out of your coat pocket and began recording. You made sure to keep quiet as Chris began playing “The Christmas Song.” You stayed there for a minute longer before putting your phone away and walking into the room.

Chris jumped a little as you put your hand on his shoulder. “Your hands are freezing, Christ, Y/N. How long have you been here?”

You kissed his temple. “Sorry. Just came to drop off cookies and couldn’t resist listening to you for a while. I wish you’d sing for me more often.” Chris blushed all the way up to his ears. 

Later that night, back home and with a pie in the oven this time, you edited the videos you took a little bit and put them up on your Instagram story. You left it captionless.

Your DMs were soon filled with people commenting on how talented Chris was and begging for more videos of him. You screenshotted them all– maybe a little smugly– and sent them to Chris. All you got back was an emoji sticking its tongue out at you. 

Somewhere on a Beach There was absolutely nothing that you loved more than a good vacation. As the Rangers’ bye week approached, Chris was getting desperate to get out of the city, and you were looking forward to a week on a beach.

The Rangers won their last game before the break, and then the two of you were on a plane to Hawaii for some valuable time in the sun. Chris had found a rental with a private stretch of beach, and you both had bags full of books to read.

“Chris, you need to put on sunscreen!” you yelled as he walked across the sand, sunglasses perched on his nose and book in hand, on the first day. He had complained but let you cover him in sunscreen; he got burnt anyway. 

Mika made a crispy potato joke later that night in response to Chris’ whiny text. 

You got a couple good Instagram posts out of the vacation. One was simply pictures of you that you had made Chris take– “like a good Instagram boyfriend, babe” – plus a couple well-executed timer shots of both of you on the beach: sandy toes, sunburnt nose. The other was a small collection of photos you took of Chris throughout the week, in various positions in various chairs, all with a different book. Your favorite was the time you had caught him asleep on the beach, book still clutched precariously in his hand, mouth hanging open as he burned in the sun. I will never understand how he can read a book a day and still never run out of books, you had typed as a caption. 

Dog Lover Chris was sick. You were sure he had been fighting through shit for nearly two weeks but had been too stubborn to admit it, and he had finally hit a wall. You had caught him leaning heavily against the bathroom sink that morning, dizzy and nauseous, as he attempted to get ready for practice; it still took both you and Mika yelling at him, with more than one threat to call Quinn and/or his mother, before he agreed to stay home. 

You had forced him to at least eat a piece of toast before you let him collapse on the couch under most of the blankets you had in your apartment. You sent Mika a picture of Chris in his fever haze, zoned out while watching the morning news. 

You luckily had the day off, so you were able to stay close to your idiot boyfriend with a penchant for ignoring injury and illness. It started storming after you ate lunch, rain lashing against the windows and lightning lighting up the dark New York sky, shrouded with clouds. Chris was still slouched on one end of the couch, barely having moved all morning. You were sitting at the other end with a book, his feet in your lap and thumb idly rubbing circles on his ankle, having ignored Chris’ protests that you were going to get sick, too. 

Later, when you were making dinner, you peeked into your living room to check on Chris. He had thrown most of his blankets onto the floor, and he was sprawled out on his stomach, solidly asleep. Your dog had crawled up onto the couch with him and was laying protectively over Chris’ legs. You smiled at them before reaching for your phone to take a picture. 

First you sent it to Mika: “Sometimes I think he’s only dating me for my dog.” with an eye roll emoji. Mika laughed at that one. 

Then you posted it on your Instagram, this time with the caption everyone knows dog cuddles are the best medicine. Your replies were flooded with get-well wishes for Chris. 

Best Friends Everyone knew that Mika and Chris were pretty much inseparable, both on the ice and off of it. You and Irma had bonded over it one night, when what was supposed to be a nice double date devolved into Chris and Mika discussing the chances of various teams winning the Cup. It had only been November. 

You teased the two about their codependency, but honestly it was endearing. Mika ended up over for dinner more nights than not, and you texted him more than you texted your mom. Mika sometimes crashed movie nights at Chris’ apartment, and all three of you ended up in a tangled mess of limbs and blankets before the end of the night without fail. It was completely undeniable that Chris loved Mika, so it was inevitable that you loved Mika, too. 

The Rangers were having another outdoor practice in Central Park. You loved going to any practice, but the outdoor ones were especially fun to watch. It always seemed like half of New York showed up to watch, and the boys were always more energetic and idiotic than usual.

You hung around close to the boards behind one of the goals during practice. You got some good pictures of the boys warming up, including one particularly cute one of Artemi sticking his tongue out at you. As practice went on, you took more pictures as various Rangers sped past you. The best opportunity was when Chris scored a – frankly ridiculous, honestly – goal over Hank’s shoulder, set up perfectly by Mika. They slammed into the boards next to you in celebration, and you managed to snap a great angle of that smile Mika seemed to reserve specifically for Chris.

All of the WAGs and families were allowed onto the ice after practice ended. You carefully made your way over towards where Chris and Mika were lazily leaning against the boards near one of the benches, nearly running over tripping over Igor’s dog in the process when he ran in front of you, gleefully dragging a leash behind him. 

Chris was facing you, but he didn’t see you approach. You, however, could see the dorky grin he had aimed at Mika from where he was slouching against the wall. As you got closer, you took out your phone and snuck one more picture of the two of them.

You couldn’t resist posting those pictures of your boys. You made sure to tag Mika, adding on the caption someone tell me how I can get a boy to look at me the way Chris and Mika look at each other. 

Mika replied with an eye roll emoji and a blue heart. Irma replied with about five cry-laughing emojis. Chris just looked offended. 

His Turn Chris had managed to convince you to join him for a week in Connecticut, and you had managed to convince him to let you drive up. He grumbled about it all the way out of the city. 

You had your sunglasses on and your hair was loose around your shoulders. Chris’ phone was plugged into your aux, but he had turned on your own road trip playlist. (He complained about your taste in music most of the drive, too.) As you got closer to Connecticut, Chris rolled the windows down. Every once in a while, you glanced over at him, only to already find him watching you with a smile on his face, eyes crinkly and dimple showing. 

You were singing the words to a Taylor Swift song at the top of your lungs, laughing as the wind ripped the words from your throat and out the window, when Chris reached over and picked up your phone. You turned to look at him.

“Eyes on the road,” he scolded, still holding your now-unlocked phone. You raised an eyebrow but turned back to the highway in front of you. 

The song changed again, this time to a Queen song, and you laughed again. Chris started singing along with you, and you forgot that he had been taking a picture of you. 

Later that night, long after the sun set, you got a notification that you had been tagged in a new Instagram post, by @2kreids0. You squinted at your phone screen, confused. You were sitting out on the porch under the stars, and Chris had gone in for dessert (something still stupidly healthy– “It’s the offseason, Kreider!” you had protested) only a couple minutes before.

Still frowning a little, you tapped on the notification. A picture of yourself, with the sun in your face and hair blowing out the window, laughing, eyes bright underneath your sunglasses, filled your screen. It could only have been taken by Chris in your car earlier. You looked at the Instagram handle again.

“Hey, babe?” you called as Chris stepped back outside, trying to balance two bowls and two glasses of wine. He looked up at you. “Did you make an Instagram?” Chris blushed. You looked back at the picture, this time reading the caption below it: I’ll drive anywhere with you, just to hear you sing your favorite songs. 

Chris had moved to stand next to you, still blushing to the tips of his ears. “I might have.” You laughed, taking your glass of wine from Chris’ hand and pulling him down for a kiss. 

“I thought you didn’t see the point?” you asked.

Chris shrugged. “I didn’t. Then you started posting pictures of me all the time, and I started to understand why people share the things they love for everyone to see.” 

“You’re a sap, Kreider,” you said, all fondness. You smiled at him from behind the rim of your wine glass as he took another picture of you. “Is this what I’m like?” you asked. Chris let out a surprised laugh. 

The next morning you were tagged again by Chris. You rolled your eyes. When you opened the notification, you saw the picture from the night before, but there was also a second one, one you didn’t know Chris had taken. It was of you, of course, but you were glaring at something on your phone over your coffee mug, glasses on and hair a mess. This time he had captioned it get you a girl who can do both. 

“Christopher!” You were already beginning to regret showing him exactly how to work Instagram the night before. As you heard Chris laughing his way down the stairs, though, you thought that you could really get used to it, even if Chris probably had some revenge posts in store for you. 

autumn leaves

song: autumn leaves by BTS

first experience: my first listen of autumn leaves was when HYYH pt. 2 released. thanksgiving had just ended -- it was 2015. i was well into my fourth year of undergraduate studies and going through both a rough patch in some respects but also in others -- hitting my stride. i remember my first listen through of HYYH pt. 2 was in my tiny dorm room, perched on my bed, avoiding the responsibility of studying for my final exams. autumn leaves followed skit in the tracklisting, and before skit came baepsae. talk about whiplash... my emotions were all over the place. immediately i was taken by the unique backbeat and the beautiful blend of devastating vocals with emotional raps. for me, autumn leaves was immediately a favorite of mine from the album -- following closely behind butterfly. i can confidently say today though that the song is one of my top ten bangtan songs of all time. something about the sound, the lyrics, and the emotions i can hear in their voices makes it one of the most powerful rap ballads in the bangtan repertoire. i can remember distinctly i came to this revelation around christmas of 2015 as i continued to loop HYYH pt. 2 and really feel each beat and sound within the individual tracks. 

at this time i was going through a period of great change in my life - and autumn leaves is the perfect song for change. it’s a song about losing a love but also about feeling as if you are losing a piece of yourself. there are many ways to interpret the song outside of just being another sad love song -- that is something that struck me. the lyrics speak to several facets of what happens when you give pieces of yourself to others, or when you reach crossroads in your life. finding this song at this particular moment in my life was like finding energy and light at a time of extreme darkness. it was healing. soothing. 

feelings: i have too many. as always. autumn leaves is special to me because when i listen to it i’m reminded of both the place i was in when the sound found me, but also more recent development in my life that continue to relate to the song. when i first heard autumn leaves, i’d recently ended a relationship i’d been far too invested in despite knowing it was going to be a dead end - for about three years. i felt like i was at a point in my life where i needed to figure out who the hell i was without the one i’d loved. it’s funny though - i was happy to be free of that relationship, to be free of him, the pressures he’d put upon me. what do dead leaves mean if not a new spring right around the corner? perhaps i was feeling lost, but in my mind it was only temporary -- the dead must fall away to bring forward the spring. 

that being said, i did mourn. not in the way you might think, but in the way that one mourns for lost time, lost identity. so often we, as women, give up our identities when we are in relationships. we allow others to define us in terms of those that we are in relationships with. i’ve realized this now that i’m older -- now that i’m more at peace with my bisexuality -- the notion that our patriarchal society defines us in terms of the men within our lives rather than our own talents and identities. this particular blog isn’t a space for my feelings on that topic though -- what i will say is that autumn leaves comforted me. perhaps i felt that i was at a point where my leaves were dying -- but does that mean the tree is dead? absolutely not. spring would come. my life would be reborn with a new focus taking over. 

this being said -- i’ve always been one of those people that holds onto the past. i always wanted to be solid, non-changing, someone with convictions that they carried along from life. i think this stems from experiencing the death of a close friend while i was very young. i cherished the memories associated with her to the point where i didn’t want to lose the person i was when i knew her. so that’s always complicated change for me -- made the moments where the last leaves fell from the autumn trees that much harder. sure, spring was on its way, but what did that mean? would i lose the memories and the moments when my leaves where at their brilliance the previous season? or would i still carry those with me? what if i needed to correct course and completely rewrite who i was over the past -- would that mean losing who i was when i was loved by those i valued in the past? of course not -- but for some reason the more emotional sides of me didn’t see things in such a fluid way. lost was more profound when i was younger because it was also accompanied with these fears over the loss of my identity. 

as i’ve gotten older i’ve realized that identity can have staying power whilst also being something that is fluid. transmuting something doesn’t mean destroying or overwriting it. it means building upon the base and modifying it so that things are more brilliant. the me that existed before and during my long-term relationship was the same me i’d carry into the future, but with many more improvements for my own wellbeing and ability to express myself. for me, autumn leaves is just that. whilst on the surface it may convey the emotions of a breakup -- it also simply conveys the feelings that we get when we progress from one period of life to another. we leave parts of ourselves behind in order to improve. does that mean we are fundamentally changed? absolutely not. it means that we have learned from the past -- that we have made progress. in the same way that trees grow and change over the years. perhaps they look differently (taller, greener in hue? more branches?) but they still provide us with lushness and shade. 

personal connection: perhaps i’ve jumped ahead... i’ve already delved into this in the feelings section. that being said... i hope that my story can bring comfort to someone else. or perhaps help you all think about the ways in which bangtan songs can promote healing in your own lives. 

since my initial experience with the song i’ve had many other moments where i’ve turned to autumn leaves for comfort. i didn’t just leave it in the past -- it’s come with me as i’ve gotten older and moved into new spaces in my life. particularly i quite literally moved and started a huge new chapter in my life. and on this, autumn leaves has been a song i frequently find myself searching for. there’s a line in the song that resonates with me -- it’s in the bridge: “i hold on to these faded memories / is this greed? / i try to look back on these lost seasons / i try to turn back” 

initially i’d been excited for my big move from atlanta to washington dc. i thought it’d be the moment where i finally showed people back home that i wasn’t a failure, that all the pride i’d held in myself and my intellectual accomplishments was valid... but partnered with that came the intensive homesickness, the feeling of being an alien. i wasn’t really welcome here in dc. i still don’t feel welcome, but that’s a story for another day - another song. the reality is though, i moved just as the seasons turned to fall. it felt like my old life was falling away, i was bidding adieu my old life -- the community that had raised me since i was eighteen -- it was all gone. i was scared, terrified my friends wouldn’t keep in touch, afraid i’d have to change who i was to experience success (mask my accent, dye my hair, use the language of the elites)... while it’s not a breakup in the way the autumn leaves reads, i felt like i was having to plead with myself not to let go of who i was just for the sake of being accepted here, or for the sake of making my day to day life easier. the beat of the song brought me comfort as i walked to school, where i received the fake smiles of professors and classmates... i pleaded with myself -- to never let the parts of me that had gotten me to where i was fall away... to always let those dead leaves be the fertilizer for who i was becoming, for the me that would deliver myself closer to my dreams. 

even now -- i listen to autumn leaves and think about what i’m going to carry forward as the seasons change and we begin to work our way into a new normal in this pandemic. what parts of me will remain? what relationships will i keep? what *should* fall away, and what will i beg to keep around rather it’s healthy or not? i’m not sure. but closing my eyes and listening to the steady sound of autumn leaves brings me nothing but comfort. 

song breakdown

musically: autumn leaves is one of the most iconic songs from the HYYH era. the beat is iconic, the mix of vocal line and rap line from verse to chorus is completely seamless, it’s almost like a ballad rap (so iconic of the HYYH era, with songs like love is not over). the asian style beats, and synth... the sounds of the song are flawless from start to finish. the underlying beat of the song is so smooth, it feels almost like constant crashing waves, the ebb and flow of the beat with a few accents to highlight the emotional pick-ups of the verses. 

now -- it was controversial at the time -- many claim that autumn leaves samples beats from deadroses by blackbear. rather that’s true or not, i don’t know. but i find that listening to both songs back to back, they’re speaking to a lot of similar themes but with their own distinct sound and messages. there’s something about the genius of the back beat mixed with the emotionally charged rapping that sets autumn leaves apart -- also the use of vocal line is completely distinct and adds to the emotion in the sound. 

vocally: i don’t have as much to say about the vocals in this song. they’re beautiful, with vocal providing honey belts throughout the choruses, which sound more like a repeated bridge. we also see the slower, more emotionally accented rap style from each of rapline. the integration of the vocals and rap are iconically HYYH and BTS. we see the raps pick up, and slow down providing for pre-choruses to build into the beautiful vocal ballad ranges. 

autumn leaves performed live -- it’s something incredible. something i’m thankful i was able to experience. bangtan obviously never disappoint, but you can really hear the emotions in their voice with autumn leaves. the perfect adlibs, the changing rap paces, the roughness of rapline’s lower registers... it delivers the sadder themes of the song perfectly. 

lyrically: time for a DEEP dive yet again. autumn leaves is about change, the loss of a love. of course meanings can be layered, it can be about change, but on the very surface its a song about loss of love because of changes over time. 

jin and jungkook start out the song beautifully. the lyrics lead in directly addressing the theme: “fall like those dry leaves / just falling without strength, my love.” indicating that the song is like a letter - it’s a message to a love. the speaker is comparing their situation to a dead leaf, useless... time has run out... time to leave and fade away... something new to come a replace. falling without strength, it seems as if the speaker is saying they’ve got no more fight in them anymore, they’ve given up and realized continuing the fight is futile. it’s time to just let everything fall away, fade into black. “your heart just goes far away / i can’t catch you / i can’t catch you anymore, anymore / i can’t hold onto you, yeah” as much as the speaker would like to hold onto the moment they are in, hold onto the person they’re with... they can’t anymore. the other person is too far away. time has led to them drifting further apart, their relationship falling away like a dead leaf.

yoongi starts off the first rap, leading in with heavy emotions and continuing the story, and theme of a tree moving into fall. “those fallen leaves that look so insecure / seem like they’re looking at us.” the leaves have already fallen off the tree now, they’re dead on the ground -- peering back up at the speaker and their partner. i interpret this as the leaves are looking back at something they used to be a part of, something familiar to them, just as leaves are a part of our lives, trees spectating our lives as we live. these leaves were a part of their lives -- and now they’re gone, a piece is dead now. “if i touch your hand, even if it’s all at once / it seems like it’ll all become crumbs” -- this line illustrates again the analogy that the leaves are like the speaker’s significant other, someone that might just crumble away like it was never even there before, like a dream, it’s that distant. “i only looked / with the autumn wind” the seasons have changed, it’s that time, it’s been that time, and now the wind is a force that finally pushing the leaf off the tree, finally pushing the relationship or moment of life to end. “your words and expressions that become cold at some point / i can see that our relationship is fading / an empty relationship like the autumn sky” this line directly refers to the relationship like the seasons -- there was a spring, beautiful and blooming, love blossomed. and in summer it burned. but as time went on, the clouds went away and the rain stopped (the autumn sky doesn’t bring the spring showers to nurture the relationship anymore) and the fire consumed everything, burning it out and leaving nothing. “an ambiguous difference compared to before / today of all days, the much quieter night” there’s nothing left -- there no more crackle of the fire burning, no more love. it’s empty, and gone. but nobody knew when it became this way or why, it just did. “one lead left clinging to a branch / it’s shattering, i see the end.” there’s something hanging on -- perhaps it’s just the memory -- perhaps it’s just the part of them that is afraid of change, that wishes they could stay in the warmth. but even so, it’s beginning to crumble, it’s beginning the process to fall away. “dead leaves becoming dried / the silence inside your aloof heart / please don’t leave me / please don’t leave me, crumbling dead leaves” from dead to dried, the emphasis is made that at some point things have moved past ending or that they have been done for quite some time and for them to now also be dried. that being said they’re dried, not gone, the memories exist the emotions have left their place. someday the marks of this relationship will impact and provide the basis for another with someone else -- for better or worse.

then, we reach the bridge-like chorus. it’s simple in lyrics despite emotion packed in tone. “i want the you that meets my eyes / i want the you that wants me again” this line indicates that the partner in this situation has walked away and had decided not to even acknowledge the speaker. to pretend they don’t exist, to remove them from their life -- perhaps to not even keep them as a memory. “please don’t leave me / please don’t fall / never never fall / don’t go far away” the speaker begins to beg, holding onto the last few minutes of whatever they believe is left of the relationship. the begging of “don’t fall” is at odds with the previous verse about a leaf already fallen -- perhaps the chorus is coming from a more desperate state, or a moment before the inevitable happened (the season changed, the leaves fell). 

the post chorus brings in jin and continues with the same lament - the same desperate begging. “baby you, girl i can’t let you go / baby you, girl i can’t give up on you” the speaker is determined to hold onto the moment before the final fall. they are unwilling to let it all go -- hanging on to the last moments but also to the memories it seems. “like those falling dry leaves / this love, like dry leaves / never never fall / it’s fading.” at this point the chorus has progressed to where the leaves are fading and falling -- morphing into something that is no longer a leaf anymore. what is the speaker holding onto any more? just as memories too fade -- is there anything even left?

the next verse brings in namjoon, it plays off of the themes and tones in yoongi’s verse. it begins with the leaves already having fallen. there’s no more grasping onto what was, it’s much more about moving on and the ways the memory frames our ability to go forward. “like all the dry leaves fall / like all the things i thought would last forever are leaving / you are my fifth season” the speaker couldn’t imagine this happening -- a fifth season, there is no such thing. the leaves have fallen, despite him never imagining that it would occur, he’s dumbstruck. there’s a level of naivety here -- speaking to the things they thought would last forever -- which harkens back to the entire HYYH era theme. youth. learning growth. namjoon is speaking to new steps in life happening after finding out that what was familiar and comfortable is gone, and will not return as he is stepping into a fifth season and uncharted territory. “even if i try to see you, i can’t look / you’re still green to me / even if the heart doesn’t move, it moves by itself / lingering feelings hung out piece by piece like laundry” namjoon is charging here that he’s placing more emphasis on the past and the memories he holds rather than wanting to confront the reality that the other person has changed. they’re still green - young, fresh, healthy... he can’t help but still be in love because he cannot confront the fact that the other person has in fact changed. and at the same time all of this change and loss has made him raw, he cannot conceal his feelings even when doing mundane day to day things... his emotions hung out for all to see. “only crimson memories fall / from above me / even if my branch doesn’t shake / they constantly fall” the colors have changed from green to crimson, he is forgetting the hard times -- the memories that are rotten. the other memories, even if he keeps trying to hang onto them, they’re also going - being tainted by the dark and unhappy reality of things begin done. “right, my love must fall / in order to rise” he realizes, he need to cut the baggage, cut his false belief that things are still good, so that he can start a new season and try again. embrace his youth once again and heal. “even when you’re near, my two eyes / are far away, it’s happening / i’m being thrown away like this / inside my memories, i become young again” he emphasizes again that he cannot confront the reality of loss of this other person but realizes that it’s completely out of his control - he is the one being thrown. but he knows he can retreat to whatever space he needs to in order to cope or heal, he can hide inside his youth in his mind. he can stay there until he heals and can emerge once again. 

the chorus the repeats again, but this time it moves into the beautifully delivered bridge by taehyung. he begins with his low and smooth range “why can’t i give up on you yet / i hold on to these faded memories” which calls directly to namjoon’s verse. the seasons are changing, but he cannot let go of the past. things are fading but they remain his refuge. “is this greed? / i try to look back on these lost seasons / i try to turn back” he begins to realize that there’s an element to these emotions that might be toxic, that he wants but he knows he cannot have what he wants, or that he wants too much. he wishes he could retreat back to the summer, or the spring. turn back time and hide in those brighter moments. 

the final verse is beautifully delivered with hoseok’s unique style. he offers an unexpected conclusion to the hopelessness of yoongi’s verse and the denial and dismissal in namjoon’s. “burn them brightly, woosh / it was all beautiful, right, our path / but they’ve all faded” hoseok remembers fondly the memories, reflects positively on the way that things had been going... but he recognizes that that path exists no more -- those leaves are dead and gone. he uses the word “burn” which is often what happens with dead leaves, they’re burning brightly those memories -- like they’re seared into his mind and heart. they’ll never leave his essence. “dry leaves come down like tears / the wind blows and everything grows apart all day” this line beautifully captures the mourning process and the confusion that follows -- the learning to unlearn and untangle your life from another person’s. to move away from something that was so permanent in your life and mind. “the rain is falling and you’re shattering / until the very last leaf, you you you” the weather references in this verse are fitting for the theme of seasons but they also take control away from the speaker - make reference to the fact that even as they speaker would like to, he cannot control his emotions just like he cannot control the situation and relationship coming to an end. the very last leaf -- he tried to hold on, he waited till the end, but finally the hope is gone. 

the chorus repeats with some additional lines bracketing it by taehyung. ultimately the song leaves us with a feeling of being unsettled as things came to an ended. time passed by and things changed -- and end was inevitable. memories are what is left to hold onto. seasons change, just like we grow up or change. things in our lives will run their course, especially relationships. we learn from them, and even if we don’t want them to -- they leave scars... no matter how much we plead. but the reality is, we can retreat to whatever place in our mind or memory that we need to in order to repair ourselves to try again.

performance: the main video that is available online for autumn leaves is a performance from HYYH on tour. i cannot pinpoint the location of the filming, but it is the same as it was when i saw BTS live in 2016 in macau for HYYH the epilogue on tour. you can find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrM53Y9hHV0&ab_channel=lestwins1524 

the performance is very much understated but beautiful. vocals and raps are delivered with more emotion than was captured in the recorded version. members do not perform any choreographed dances, but lights and graphics highlight each member as they come into focus to deliver their portion of the song. it’s beautiful and it’s just what was needed to portray the emotion and depth of the themes in autumn leaves. 

in my own personal experience, seeing this song performed live was incredibly profound. the entire arena was silent. all eyes on bangtan and listening for each of the incredibly raw verses to be peformed. the crisp emotion laden in the vocal line choruses. the song is beautiful. it’s somber and mature. it exemplifies the drama of the HYYH era -- with lyrical and performance genius that is unparalleled. i’ve uploaded to this post my horrible video but i hope you enjoy ~~

tl;dr: autumn leaves might seem like another breakup song, but there’s more to it. it beautifully emphasizes the power of memory, time passage, and the desire to hold onto past versions of themselves. which for many listeners is far more profound than just a breakup -- there’s so many times when we need to leave behind moments in our lives, friends, family members... and while we want to hold onto something that is familiar, we can’t. they’re leaving, we are moving on... seasons come and go no matter how much we wish they’d just stay constant. dead leaves fall away, even when we’d wish the summer and spring would stay, they can’t. life is cyclical in nature. which harkens us back to the themes in spring day as well. the sun will always come out, the seasons will change... but we have to confront the fact that sometimes we will experience pain, loss, and change. 

Gaelynn Lea #63

A Holiday collection of Christmas music to tug at your heartstrings with Gaelynn Lea today as we spread Christmas Cheer.

It's Celtic Christmas Podcast #63. Subscribe at CelticChristmasPodcast.com.

  WELCOME TO THE CELTIC CHRISTMAS PODCAST AND PLAYLIST

I am Marc Gunn. I am a Celtic musician and I love Christmas music.

This podcast is funded by people just like you on Patreon. Your generosity funds the creation, promotion, and production of the podcast and our companion playlist. You’ll find a link to both in the shownotes.

Sign up for as little as $1 per episode on Patreon to spread Christmas Cheer today in 2022. Because this is the last episode of the year.

But if you subscribe to the Irish & Celtic Music Podcast, then you will also enjoy another episode of Celtic Christmas music coming this week.

FEATURED PLAYLIST: Celtic Christmas 2021

My final Celtic Christmas Playlist of the year is now completed. It features over 30 artists with amazing music to celebrate the holiday, from the slow and peaceful to the upbeat and rollicking. You can enjoy over two hours of Christmas music on this playlist.

And of course, if you’re a patron, you can download a podcast version of the show on Patreon.

Listen to Celtic Christmas 2021 now on Spotify.

“Angels We Have Heard on High (feat. Al Church)” by Gaelynn Lea from Deepest Darkness, Brightest Dawn

That was from today’s special holiday guest. She is on the latest Celtic Christmas Playlist.

HOLIDAY FEATURE: Gaelynn Lea

Traditional fiddle music tugs at the heartstrings, and it infuses feeling into what is otherwise notes on a page. There’s something transformative about it. Not only has Gaeylnn Lea mastered her craft, but her experimental use of this time-honored instrument adds yet another dimension to the sound. Melodies are stretched and harmonies are crafted by her use of live looping, paired with obvious classical training. It’s updated, and ultimately, very satisfying. Cellist Zoe Keating springs to mind as one listens to Lea’s use of her chosen instrument. It’s no wonder she has drawn attention for her music—she has really been carving out her own niche in the industry.

Gaelynn has been playing the violin for over two decades, and there’s little doubt she’s comfortable with bow in hand. It really does take a person mastering an instrument before experimentation can be successful. The challenge is to depart from the norm and create something unique—all while expanding on previous training. The skill is still in there--but the music grows larger and more full. This is what Gaelynn does, and it’s a pleasure to hear the thread of the familiar woven in with the freshness of something new at the hands of an experienced artist.

The musician has been recognized for her work—being chosen as the winner of NPR Music’s 2016 Tiny Desk Contest, recognized as a benchmark in the world of music. This competition brings in thousands of submissions, and to win is quite the accomplishment!

Those who are looking for a forward-looking holiday collection of music will want to investigate Lea’s album, "Deepest Darkness, Brightest Dawn". The tracks that are included here boast many of the well-known popular carol names, such as Angels We Have Heard on High, Silent Night, Away in a Manger, and O Come, O Come Emmanuel--but you haven’t ever heard them played like this before.

The 14-track album is an easy fit for anyone who is a true strings aficionado, and it would round out any collection of holiday music. Perfect for everything from a romantic candlelight dinner with your love, or at a family gathering, “Deepest Darkness, Brightest Dawn” is a delight to listen to. Experience the joy of hearing Christmas favorites that are coaxed into a new form through the hands of a talented musician.

You can find out more about Gaelynn Lea at https://violinscratches.com/

“Silent Night” by Gaelynn Lea from Deepest Darkness, Brightest Dawn

IF YOU ENJOY THIS ARTIST...

Follow them on streaming and add one of their songs to your playlist. You can also buy music from them, sign up to their mailing list and share this episode on social media. Use the hashtag #celticchristmaspodcast

The Celtic Christmas Podcast is free to enjoy. However, it is supported by the Christmas Cheer and generosity of people like you over on Patreon.

Celtic Christmas Podcast was produced and edited by Marc Gunn. Graphics were by Miranda Nelson Designs. Subscribe through your favorite podcatcher or on our website where you can become a Christmas Patron for as little as $1 per episode. Promote Celtic culture through Christmas music at CelticChristmasPodcast.com. Nollaig Shona Daoibh!

#celticchristmas #celticchristmasmusic #gaelynnlea

  Check out this episode!

The Way That Light Attaches To A Girl

Title:  The Way That Light Attaches To A Girl

Author: Aloysia Virgata

Rating: PG (language)

Timeline: Season 1

Summary:  Maybe she’s not so bad, this gingery little doctor.

Author’s Notes:  Mulder reads Cicero and finds the method of loci tool useful in honing an eidetic memory. Also, the timeline of this show is absurd. Per canon, the Pilot is in March of 1992. But here it’s March of 1993 because...I just can’t, honestly. Thank you to @perplexistan for reminding me that I wrote this in 2013, and talking me through the timeline.

*** It's been a long December and there's reason to believe Maybe this year will be better than the last I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself To hold on to these moments as they pass - Counting Crows *** It’s gritty outside, gritty and gray with a rime of salt on everything. There are pockets of rotten snow for him to kick, slushy and satisfying against his heavy shoes. He pulls his coat tighter, feeling like a hard-boiled detective in a pulp paperback, thinking this would be a good time for a cigarette if he still smoked. His divorce papers were filed this time last year, just like his parents’ had been a couple decades back. The ink had scarcely been dry on the marriage certificate when they realized they didn’t know each other and changed their minds. It was the same time Diana left him and his - their - files for whatever the fuck had summoned her across the sea. Paperwork, as ever in his life, was all that remained of these experiences. If this were really a detective story, he thinks, stepping over a soggy Washington Post, a tall cool blonde would have walked in through the frozen mist and into his arms. Someone lithe, with red lipstick and half-lidded violet eyes. She would look like Veronica Lake and speak in a low, compelling voice, urging him to do brave and outlandish things to thwart the Nazis. He’d wear a fedora, buy a mink stole for the blonde. They’d drink martinis and make love in dark hotels smelling of leather and intrigue. But he’s not living in a dime-store novel, he’s living in Alexandria on Christmas Eve 1993 (“The New Age of Angels,” claimed Time magazine, somewhat cryptically) and is eager to turn the last page in his calendar. Mulder knows it’s symbolic only, that his Eurocentrism is showing, but he still watches the ball drop on TV. Last year he’d kissed a woman in a bar and gone home with her too, but doesn’t think he’d remember her face if he saw it. He hasn’t got the energy to entice a stranger this year, and Scully’s hardly his type. He shouldn’t be sleeping with coworkers anyway, it’s never worth the trouble and the FBI is full of people who are paid to do nothing but sniff out secrets. Besides, he is now 32 years old which is really about time to start getting your shit together even if your baby sister was abducted by aliens at Thanksgiving. Mulder generally holds the holidays in low regard. He pauses to watch a small flock of cats at an upended trash can, feasting upon pungent things like battlefield ravens. One of the cats glances at him sidelong, narrowing round yellow eyes as though Mulder has designs on the gray thing it’s gnawing at. He holds his hands up to show the cats he wishes them no harm, keeps walking. Scully had offered to drive him home but he thanked her and caught the blue line, the clank and rattle of the train making him feel like some variety of normal businessman. Maybe people thought he was a banker or a Congressional staffer, going home to a twinkling Douglas fir and a mantle hung with stockings. Nine months and a broken condom can, in many circumstances, result in a whole new person. But it’s been nine months with Scully and she’s still her own woman, though Christ knows Mulder’s tried to remake her in his own image. She’s trudged alongside him through graveyards, military bases, bad diners, and one memorable night in Pennsylvania where she had captured a frantic bat in the hotel lobby. (“Do you want to wait for it to take human form before I release it?” she’d asked drily.) Through all of it she remained disbelieving and supercilious, leaving him vexed. She’d chirped “Merry Christmas, Mulder” at him, assuming that he celebrated Christmas and was capable of merriment. He was afraid Scully’d bring in a little Charlie Brown tree for the office, ornaments smooth and shining as her earnest face. She is skeptical in all the wrong ways and probably has the Michael Bolton Christmas album on her stereo at this very moment. She probably has eggnog in the fridge and will drink it without rum. She probably likes fruitcake and ham with pineapple rings on it. Mulder, going home to the shadows of his apartment where he might listen to Pink Floyd and nurse his resentment with three fingers of whiskey, feels justified in his scorn. A couple loaded with gifts pushes past him and he nearly loses his balance on a patch of black ice, clutches at a lamp post. He gazes up at the endless sky as snow begins to fall again. (Scully’s probably delighted by the prospect of a white Christmas, probably whistling a few bars of the song as she puts on a green sweater.) But he’s being unfair, isn’t he? For all her tattling back to the higher ups, she’s never tried to present herself as an angel. Her primary fault is in not being Diana, not being a tall dark moon goddess. Being pretty rather than beautiful, being frank rather than alluring. He’s seen her smoking a couple of times, discovered that she says “Jesus!” a lot so that she doesn’t say “fuck” or “shit.” This amuses him; he thought the blasphemy would be worse. He knows Scully watches what she eats but turns to carbohydrates and wine in times of stress. He found out she was sleeping with that asshole Jack Willis, which really threw him for a loop because Scully has a schoolteacherish quality that led him to presume premarital abstinence. He thinks of her in that first motel room, her smooth back beneath his hands, her panic turning on some masculine caveman switch. It’s been a long year, perhaps she could be his type after all despite her sensible underwear. She’s attractive enough if you like that sort of Hibernian look. He can tell she’s a bit awed by him and he could manipulate that to his advantage. Mulder walks the last slushy block thinking impious thoughts about Catholic school uniforms and playing doctor. The honeycomb tile of his building is muddied, layered with fragments of leaves and footprints. A radio blares something about Barbra Streisand doing her first live concert in twenty years. Mulder shakes his head and imagines his mother on the Vineyard, frothing with excitement. “Merry Christmas Agent Mulder,” says Leo, the maintenance guy. Leo’s got some kind of intellectual disability that Mulder hasn’t bothered to diagnose, but he’s always quick to replace a kicked-in lock or a shot-out window, and Mulder therefore regards him as a master craftsman. He gives Leo money every year at Christmas. At present he’s attacking the hallway sludge with an ancient mop. “Merry Christmas, Leo.” He gets his mail, sorting through it as he ambles to the elevator. Bill; bill; Playboy; Christmas cards from his doctor, dentist, and insurance agent; coupons; a thick manila envelope from the divorce attorney. Mulder rolls it all into a bundle and shoves it under his arm. He’s fumbling with his keys when the elevator deposits him on the fourth floor. There are wreaths on most of the doors in his building, a handful of mezuzas. Number 42, as usual, conforms to no given standard. He stops when he sees Scully leaning against his door. “Um,” he says. “Hey.” She waves her fingertips, looking uncomfortable. She’s holding a cardboard FedEx envelope. “I forgot to give you this before you left.” “Okay,” he says, uncertain about the idea of Scully on his turf. “Hang on a sec.” He makes sure the packet from the lawyer is hidden, though she’s probably heard the whole story. He knows what the talk is. They all act like he’s John fucking Douglas, like he can guess what number they’re thinking of based on how they part their hair. He’s a sideshow act, the guy who can think like John Roche and Monty Props. A freak. Scully turns to slouch against the wall while he jiggles the latest lock open, wishing there were a convenient place to stash a can of WD-40. “So, uh, come on in, I guess.” She turns, walks under his arm as he hold the door open, and stands in the entryway. The door clicks shut behind him, a final sound. Mulder puts his mail on the kitchen counter, tossing his coat over it. “You want anything to drink?” he calls to her, unsure if he can make good on the offer. What the hell does Scully drink? Tea? Zima? He’s got a few beers in the fridge, his wife’s wine is long finished. “No, I’m good.” Her coat’s draped over her arm when he comes back out, and he hangs it up for her. He notices that she’s wearing jeans with a navy cable-knit sweater, no tartan in sight. Her boots are dark and practical. Mulder shrugs off his jacket, loosens his tie out of its regulation noose. “Here, sit down. There’s, uh, the couch is right over there.” His couch is the atramentous green of algae, appearing black in the close room. “So what’s up?” She holds out the folder to him. “I realized I had this when I got home and since it’s a three day weekend, I wanted to make sure you had it. I thought it might be important.” Scully sits down close to the edge of the couch, much of her weight on her knees. She presses her hands together between them after Mulder takes the envelope, bouncing a little bit. He looks at the return address and groans. Arlinsky, that idiot from the Smithsonian. Mulder’s got enough credibility issues without this nutcase on his tail. He tosses the envelope on his cluttered desk for later perusal. Scully, as the messenger, looks apologetic. “Bad news?” He sits next to her, why not? “Nah, just…you know. The usual.” “Ah.” He watches her do a quick scan of his apartment. He has nothing to be ashamed of, she can look around. Mulder removes his tie completely now, untucks his shirt and leans into the corner of his couch. “So I’m surprised you’re here, Scully. I got the impression Christmas was a…thing. For your family.” He waves his hand vaguely, as though families are something he read about in a Margaret Mead article but never fully understood. Something closes in Scully’s face, which intrigues him. Discomfort usually comes with a good story, but he’ll tease it out of her later. She scratches her elbow, stalling. “I’m going to go by my parents’ house tomorrow.” “Not tonight? No big Scully celebration with stockings hung by the fire and cookies for Santa?” He has picked these ideas up from Oxford and Christmas music. Santa would probably prefer a cold longneck and some nachos. “My sister’s coming in tomorrow, she’s staying with my parents so they’re getting everything ready tonight. My younger brother and his family too, they’re getting in late.” Scully looks faintly guilty for this wealth of relatives. Which one of them are you avoiding, Dana? “Fun,” he says in a tone that he hopes is not sarcastic. Scully shrugs, picks at the cuff of her sweater. “Yeah, it’ll be good. I’ll get to see my niece and nephew. What about you? What are you doing?” “Oh, just…you know. Laying low.” He’s meeting up with the Gunmen for Chinese food and bootleg video games from some Japanese guy they know, but he’s not ready to tell Scully about them. In part because she might want to meet them and would end up charging Frohike with a sex crime. “Sounds good,” she says in a non-judgmental tone. “I could use some down time myself.” “Job wearing on you?” Going to wimp out and request a transfer? She puffs a breath of air out, pushes the tip of her tongue to her top lip. “No. Well, I mean, it’s hard. We travel so much, I didn’t do that before and it’s taking some adjustment.” Mulder drapes an arm over the back of the couch, wishing he could take his pants off and order a pizza. But he wants to know more about what drives her; Diana left him wary of unknown quantities, and this is his first opportunity to peer into Scully’s head. “Yeah, I guess they mostly shipped the cadavers to you before, huh? When you were doing doctor things?” He sees a slight narrowing of her eyes at this, the implication that she’s not a doctor now. The fact that she took it as an insult means it’s a vulnerability. “Mostly.” He decides to push it, being as he has home field advantage. “How come you decided to stop practicing medicine?” Scully sits up straight, her palms on the tops of her thighs. “I didn’t realize I had.” Prickly. “Oh, sorry, no offense. I just….you left your residency to join the FBI, right?” Faker, he knows her career trajectory down to the day. “My work as a Special Agent has always revolved around my background in forensic pathology. I just felt…called to the FBI as the place to best put those skills to use.” Called, religious imagery. Interesting. Her reply had a rehearsed sound, it’s something she’s repeated numerous times. Who gives her grief about being an FBI agent? A younger brother wouldn’t, would probably look up to that. Mom or Dad, most likely, though it could be one of the older siblings. He’d put his money on Dad or big brother based on the cold formality of her words. Both men are in the military, she’d speak to that. And big brother wasn’t mentioned as being in town, so Dad it is. He throws her a bone for revealing so much. “I’ve heard nothing but commendations.” “Thanks.” The appreciation seems genuine. “So what about you, Mulder? Why….this?” Scully holds her arms out like an orchestra conductor. The gesture encompasses his desk, the groaning bookshelves and fading newspaper clippings. Area 51, Reticulans, ectoplasm, and jackalopes. “Study hard what interests you the most in the most undisciplined, irreverent and original manner possible,” he quotes. “Feynman.” Scully knows her physicists. “It’s the perfect con, really. I figured out a way to get the federal government to pay for my hobbies.” He hopes that will satisfy her, but knows better. “Why is it your hobby?” Ah, Scully. You little investigator, you. “I’m a lousy knitter.” She smiles. “Because of your sister?” He steeples his fingertips, taps them against his chin. It’s tempting to blow her off, but he considers the implications of her presence. There was no reason to bring that letter by; she could have called and he could have told her to round-file it. She’s trying to build something between them, she’s looking past his annoyance with her assignment and he’s not going to slap her hand away on Christmas Eve. “Hold that thought,” he says. Mulder goes to the kitchen for the beers and the churchkey magnet stuck to the freezer. He checks for food, but a cursory examination reveals that Scully is going to have to make do with some brews. She’s peering into the fish tank when he returns, scrutinizing the inhabitants. “I think one of your mollies is pregnant,” she says. “That spotted one.” “Yeah, they’re prolific little cannibals. Here, Scully. Have a drink.” He holds the bottle out to her when she turns, watches her hesitate for an instant before accepting. “Thanks,” she says. “Though I probably shouldn’t.” She pops the lid off when he’s done with the opener. Takes a long drink. “So,” he says, returning to his seat on the couch. “Why do I spend my time looking for ET and yetis, right?” Scully rolls the bottle between her palms. “It’s hard for me to understand why someone with your abilities chooses to use those gifts this way.” Once she rides out this dogleg, Mulder thinks, she’ll go far in the Bureau with her careful diplomacy. “When my sister was…taken, it was the first time that none of the authority figures in my life had an answer. Not my parents, my teachers, the police…no one could tell me what had happened. Years went by and there was still no solution. People stopped thinking about it, you know? They just acted like she was gone and that’s all there was to it.” “But not you.” Her voice is gentle. “I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that this was a question with an answer, even if no one wanted to delve deeper into what that answer was. I became, well, obsessed with the idea that there were all of these mysteries out there with answers that people were uncomfortable finding. So when I found the X-Files…” He glances sidelong at his partner, her nutmeg freckles and her cinnamon hair. “Isn’t that what you were doing already, though? Solving impossible cases?” He shrugs. “They weren’t impossible. They followed a pattern if you knew what to look for. But what I do now, no one wants the answer, Scully. That’s the real challenge.” “You caught Monty Props. Props, Jesus, that case is legendary! I want to understand, I do. I see what you’re saying about the challenge, it does make a kind of sense. But when I think about the people you stopped…” She shakes her head. She doesn’t get it. But she’s trying instead of dismissing him. That’s something. “That’s just it. Your reaction, it’s…look. Serial killers, they’re sexy. The public loves them. Everyone wants to be Bill Patterson or, or… Jack Crawford, right? People still read about Jack the Ripper, they practically turn these psychopaths into folk heroes. There will never be a shortage of people wanting to do what I did.” Half the beer is gone in his next swallow. Scully looks thoughtful, her thumbnail at the damp corner of the label on her bottle. “So this is like, what? Like a martyr thing? If you walk away from the limelight for this then it makes up for never knowing what happened to your sister?” She turns her head to give him a level gaze, her eyes so blue and clear they seem artificial at times. He’s been called worse than a martyr, but somehow it stings. “Martyr? That’s condescending.” “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry. I just, I guess it’s hard for me to understand what you hope to gain. What all this means to you in the end.” Mulder’s had enough of her analysis. “I’m not like you, I don’t crave approval.” It’s her turn to look stung. “I didn’t mean to pry.” He sighs. “Your questions aren’t unfair. It’s been a hard year.” “I heard.” There’s sympathy in her tone and he tries not to resent it. “Listen, Scully, I know you didn’t ask for this assignment and you’re doing your best with a bad hand. It’s just hard to share a career I’m passionate about with someone who pretty clearly thinks it’s a waste of time.” Scully sets her beer on the coffee table, resting her elbows on her knees, her hands cupped around her chin. Mulder props his feet up next to her bottle, patient in the silence. There are deep shadows in the room, illuminated by the ambient streetlight through the curtains, the cool blue aquarium lamp. Puddles of light leak from the kitchen, but they barely stain the rug. Scully looks like a Hitchcock girl, white and pure, untouched by the surrounding gloom. She reminds him of Ingrid Bergman or Greta Garbo, her good bones and heavy-lidded eyes. “You know,” Scully says, muffled, “Pathology’s hardly the hottest specialty in med school. It’s not really seen as a place to make a career.” “The malpractice can’t be bad though, right?” She rolls her eyes. “You spend years of your life learning to care for the living and use it to examine the dead. People have…opinions about that.” This had not occurred to him, and he says as much. Scully sits up and settles back into the couch. “And to then take that to the FBI, well…” Full circle to the truth. “Lots of grief for that?” She shrugs. “From some more than others. My dad, he – look, Mulder. I’m not saying we’re in the same place or have the same ideas or that we’re both noble misunderstood renegades. I am not trying to oversimplify anything. I’m just telling you that I know what it’s like to care deeply about something that other people don’t necessarily understand.” She looks defensive after this, takes a fierce swig of her beer. Mulder eyes her up with a new appreciation. “I guess I just figured all doctors sit on pedestals.” “If so, some of the pedestals are much higher than others. I know you don’t like me, Mulder. Or at least you don’t like our partnership. We may never be friends, I realize that. But it’s been three quarters of a year, you have to let your guard down if we’re going to work together. I want what you want, answers to these questions.” He smiles at her. A real smile, and thinks that it’s been a long time since he’s done it. “But you still think I’m spooky.” Scully smiles back. “Absolutely. And I still don’t believe in aliens. Or yetis. Or missing time or vampires or Nessie. But that doesn’t mean I don’t believe there are answers.” He scratches his chin, five o’clock shadow rough on his fingertips. Maybe she’s not so bad, this gingery little doctor. “I did say I wanted a challenge.” “You did at that.” She returns her bottle to the table, then turns to face him. The aquarium provides a ghostly backlight, her hair gleaming like rubbed copper. He holds this image of Scully in his mind until it is indelible, then tucks it away to remember her by. The Rhetorica ad Herennium advises sensory encoding to aid in recall, and so he places her in the sunlit portrait gallery of his memory palace. Scully stands, crosses the room to take her coat from the rack. “I’m sorry the letter wasn’t good news.” Mulder gets up to join her. “It’s okay.” He squints when she opens the door, the hallway so bright it hurts his eyes. “Thanks for bringing it by.” “Okay, well, I’ll see you on Monday, I guess.” She seems hesitant to go. She probably feels sorry for him. “Thanks for the drink. And the company.” “Go,” he says. “You don’t want coal in your stocking for oversleeping tomorrow.” She laughs a little, then takes his hands in her small white ones. She gives them a squeeze. “This is going to be okay, Mulder.” He thinks she might be right, squeezes back. She lets go of him, walks out and turns right. He locks up behind her, her perfume still lingering on his side of the door. Diana’s not coming home. It’s time that he moved on.

in the spirit of the other anon: what are some of your favorite pnf songs?? 👀

AHHH MADDY PLS YOU KNOW I LOVE MUSIC AND PHINEAS AND FERB THANK YOUUUU FOR THIS ASK. 

ok so! favorite songs! I’ve got a ton so let’s just jump right to it (see what i did there? lol)

What Might Have Been

This is my FAVORITE Phineas and Ferb song, I remember when whispers about a “Phinbella duet” first started circulating mid-2012 and being SO HYPED (I was so hyped I wrote my own Phinbella duet, lollllll. maybe I’ll post it sometime). I waited literal YEARS for this song and it was VERY WORTH THE WAIT. I love the instrumentation (the strings? the guitar? the drums? the hint of Isabella’s theme at the beginning of the third verse? a A H), the lyrics are just so heartfelt and sweet and poignant (with just a hint of trademark PnF humor thrown in, lol), and the vOCALS GOOD LORD, ALYSON AND VINCENT KILLED IT. And the harmonies at the end. Bless. AYA isn’t perfect but I ADORE “What Might Have Been.” Like, they really gave us a 3 1/2 minute long song of Isabella and Phineas singing about being in love. They did that for us. Sometimes, I listen to it on a loop when I need to focus...or just because I want to listen to it. It’s truly just. The best. Ah. My heart. This song deserves more mainstream attention dANG IT. 

Summer Belongs To You

This song is so uplifting and positive and the beginning is a Phinabella duet of COURSE I love it (i deeefinitely made a lil’ reference to it in a certain simile in chapter 9 of CHFIL, not sure if anyone caught that but writing it made me smile!). It always puts me in a good mood and makes me feel like I can accomplish anything. And it gets bonus points because it features Candace singing about loving her brothers!! SBTY is also one of the episodes that got me interested in the show, so this song holds a special place in my heart. 

City of Love

This song ALSO holds a special place in my heart. Like, it’s so sad but it’s so good. I love Isabella, and I feel for her (and when I first heard this song I could 100% relate to her plight, LOL). This is also the first PnF song I ever downloaded! So it’s very nostalgic and special to me. 

Us Against the Universe

I ADORE THIS SONGGG I ADORE IT SO MUCH OK IT’S JUST EVERYTHINGGG. It makes me feel ALL THE THINGS. It’s very similar to “Summer Belongs To You,” but rather than being rooted in nostalgia, it’s like a reminder that the characters are still as present and united as ever. A couple years ago, I never would’ve thought we’d get to hear the entire cast sing together ever again, so like....this song means the world to me. It’s a great song for 2020. 

The Universe is Against Me

This is ALSO the perfect song for 2020, but in a venting way as opposed to an uplifting way like the previous song. I love the imagery in the lyrics (and like...they’re surprisingly real and raw for Phineas and Ferb) Singing along to it is so cathartic, I could listen to this one on a loop and not get tired of it. 

Happy New Year

THIS SONG DESERVES TO BE ON AN ALBUM. I listen to it every new year; it really captures the feeling of New Year’s Eve and the celebration of starting over (and also. uh. I will forever associate it with Phinabella and lovely Phinabella vibes because of that scene of them dancing together).

Busted

Busted is iconic. Plain and simple. I adore it. Love the harmonies, love the vibe, I’m pretty sure this was the most listened to song on my old iPod, lol. 

Somebody Gimme a Grade

I was (and am...lol) 100% the kid who had to have the best grades they could, so this song speaks to me on an emotional level. I also love the clever wordplay--like, “you wasted all my time learning how to rhyme then left me hangin’ from a treble clef!” is sUCH A GOOD LINE LIKE WHO THOUGHT OF THAT IT’S BRILLIANT. I also love getting to see Baljeet come out of his shell a bit and express himself! 

Happy Evil Love Song

This is one of my go-to songs to play on the ukulele! It’s just so funny and sweet (as long as you don’t think about what happens after it, lol). 

I Really Don’t Hate Christmas

THIS SONG. I LOVE IT. I love that it pokes fun at the “villains hating Christmas” trope while also subverting it! It’s just, so soooooo so great. I have a great time trying to sing it each Christmas season, LOLLLL. (because those are some FAST lyrics. how did Dan do it????)

That Christmas Feelin’

This is one of my favorite Christmas songs ever!!! It really captures the vibe and joy of the season, and I always go out of my way to play it when hanging out with people who might not know it’s from Phineas and Ferb! lol

In The Empire

One of my biggest flexes is being able to sing the entire “It’s sO NOT FAIR....” section of this song, LOLLLL. It’s just such a fun one to sing!!! (or attempt to sing....hah. Ashley has SKILLS.)

Ferb Latin

Ok, this one might seem a little random, but as a musician, I am OBSESSED with how the three melodies intersect and blend together at the end of the song!!! It sounds SO GOOD. (Plus. Phinabella duet. Yes. Are y’all detecting a pattern?)

Aerial Area Rug

So I’ll just go ahead and say PHINABELLA first because this song has MASSIVE Phinabella vibes (I mean it begins with a homage to the “do you trust me?” scene with Phineas and Isabella, that’s like pure-seratonin right there). And this song is also genuinely just so beautiful. It’s sung so well and the instrumentation is gorgeous and the lyrics are so literal but like, they work very well. (and that key change baby, I love a good key change!)

Gitchee Gitchee Goo

Gitchee Gitchee Goo means that I love you! It’s a classic, and super catchy, and totally reminds me of Phinabella even though in the context of canon that isn’t what it’s about at all😅. Also! Candace and Phineas singing and having fun together will always make me smile. I crave wholesome sibling interactions. 

Thank You For Coming Along

THIS SONG MAKES ME FEEL THINGS....I really can’t think of a better send off the show could’ve had. I love how genuine it is, like a love letter to the fans, with all the references and such (I’m a sucker for fourth wall breaks, lol)! And I mean, that Phinabella moment near the end is just MAGNIFIQUE, YES, FOURTH WALL BREAK, PHINABELLA KISS REFERENCES, AND PHINEAS FLIRTING WITH ISABELLA??? WE LOVE TO SEE IT. 

We’re Back

and THIS SONG. THIS SONG RIGHT HERE. I can’t think of a better re-introduction to these characters after saying goodbye to them years ago. This song really feels like a warm hug, a welcome home. The music video Disney released for it is especially wonderful because it incorporates scenes from the show!!! I always rock out to this one whenever it comes on. It’s a gift, truly. I love it. I needed this song this year!!!

Ok I could go on and on and on but this post is getting really long so I think I’d better just post it, LOL. Maybe I can make a pt. 2 sometime, LOL. Because there are plenty of other songs I love!!! 

THANKS FOR THE ASK MADDY I HAD SO MUCH FUN WITH THIS!!!!!!

1.    Christmas Bakery

Fandom: Stray Kids

Little: Minho (age 5-6) + Felix (5)

Caregiver: dance-line (mostly Hyunjin)

 Minho’s POV.:

I had told my group about me being a little a few months ago. Luckily, they were all very supportive and took care of me when I regressed. Which in the beginning I did quite often. Lately though I tried to avoid going into little space. As a surprise for Stay we were working on a Christmas album and had tough deadlines set which we were struggling to meet. Everyone was on edge, sacrificing sleep in favor of work and it was showing. We had always gotten along so well but now with the pressure and sleep deprivation fights were a common occurrence, both at the studio and at the dorm. To make matters worse, my neglected headspace was fighting for my attention the more time passed. I always tried to avoid it but it got increasingly hard, given how long I had already tried to suppress it.

During the dance-line meeting in the practice room, I slipped halfway twice but managed to pull myself back both times. That however resulted in me developing a bad headache and Hyunjin and Felix being annoyed with me. I don’t think they grasped what was really going on, they just saw me messing up and holding them back the entire time and reacting sensitive to their critique. And hell, I was annoyed with myself too but there was nothing I could do except for trying not to slip or to cry in front of the two younger members. By the time we decided to quit practicing for the day, it was already 10pm and we headed back to the dorm in uncomfortable silence and I could tell the two others were pissed. Fighting back my tears, I went straight for my bed, not bothering to take a shower or to eat something like the other two did. I fell asleep crying quietly into my favorite plushie.

The next morning, I woke up in little space, whining when Chan tried to wake me up. “Come on, Minho, you’re older than the other and yet fussing the most about getting up. We don’t have time for this, we’re already late. Now get up!”, Chan scolded, trying not to be to harsh but also making clear that I was an annoyance. I could tell he was mad by the way he shut the door a little too loud to be normal. A small tear made its way down my cheek and I hid my face in my plushie. I was tired and all I wanted was for my hyungs to cuddle me and show some love. For fear of upsetting my leader more, I slipped out of bed changing into some comfortable clothes to dance in and dried my face before leaving the room. Apparently, everyone was already ready to leave, so there was no way I would get a chance to have breakfast. Feeling rather shy and afraid of Chan’s anger, I stood close to Seungmin, trying to hide behind him. “Hyung, all we have been waiting for is you. I don’t think you have the time to lag off, given you were the one who didn’t get the moves down yesterday”, Felix snapped and the honorific he used in combination with the harsh words broke my heart. It took every ounce of strength in me to not start crying all over again. They needed me to be a big boy, obviously they hated me not being a big boy. Staring at the ground I quickly grabbed my backpack and left with Hyunjin and Felix, determined not to show them how little I was and upset my hyungs more.

 Hyunjin’s POV.:

We’ve been practicing for 20 minutes only but the mood was tense already. Minho kept messing up as much as yesterday and it was honestly pissing me off. I was really tired and it was determined that we could have a rest day when we nailed the choreography. Felix and I had already nailed the dance yesterday, so the only reason we were here was to ensure Minho would do too. However, it didn’t even seem like he was putting in an effort at all. We know he usually gets new dance moves down really fast so I have no idea what his deal is. I just wished he’d drop it already and take this as seriously as everyone else. “Hyung, come on, the part goes like this”, I demonstrated the section again while Felix counted the beats. “It’s really not that hard. Felix and I got it down already yesterday. We could have a free day if it wasn’t for you fooling around”, I frowned before walking off to restart the music. When we got back into position I could hear soft sniffles behind me and turned around to face a crying Minho. “Seriously, hyung get your shit together. Just do it right and we can go home”, I snapped and turned back around. Yes, that wasn’t very sensible but at this point I was really angry. With a soft thud he plopped to the ground hiding his face in his hands sobbing quietly. Rolling his eyes, Felix stopped the music again and I kneeled down in front of my hyung, taking a few deep breaths to calm down. I tried to hide my anger knowing it would only make matters worse. “MinMin, is s-sor-ry. No wan’ make h-hyungies m-mad”, Minho hiccupped in a small voice and only then it dawned on me that he had slipped into headspace. Felix had heard it to and we shared a mortified look. I don’t know how long he had been little but chances were high that I had just vented my anger at little him who has no idea how to handle it. I sighed gently pulling his hand away from his face. “Listen MinMin, hyung is sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. We just wanted you to be able to finish here like us. We’re not mad, ok? We’re not mad”, I tried to calm him down while wiping his tears. Felix came over and sat down next to Minho, looping one arm around his shoulders. “Sorry MinMin. It’s ok”, Felix shushed in a low voice. “Back to the dorm?”, he asked. “Back to the dorm”, I agreed, pulling the little to his feet before picking him up and placing him on my hip. We quickly put Minho into Felix’ sweatjacket, so the hood would hide his tearstained face, before I carried the still crying little back to the dorm. Felix brought our backpacks along and unlocked the door. The others were still at the studio, so we were the only ones home. After kicking off my shoes I sat down on the couch pulling Minho into my lap rocking him gently. “You’re ok sweety. Hyungie loves you baby. We’re not mad just stressed and I’m so sorry you became target for that”, I whispered into his hair before kissing his forehead. Whether he was calming down or had just exhausted himself, I couldn’t tell.

Once he stopped crying, I convinced him to take a quick shower as he hadn’t showered the night before and promised him we’d eat something afterwards, remembering he slept through breakfast this morning. I couldn’t help but feel guilty and watching Felix chew on his bottom lip, I knew he felt the same. I walked Minho to the bathroom and picked out some fresh clothes for him to put on when he was done. Luckily, having been without caregivers most of the time, Minho could shower by himself and I went to talk to Felix in the kitchen while the little washed up.

The Aussie had already prepared two sandwiches and the crust cut off, placing them onto a plastic plate with a cute motive on it. “Hyung, I feel so bad. I didn’t realize he was little and I was mean and now he thinks we hate him”, Felix started to ramble, his breathing quickening until I pulled him into a tight hug. “I know, Lixxie, I know. We’ll make it up to him, He’ll see how much we love him”, I patted Felix’ back and I felt him nod as he took a deep breath to pull himself together. Taking a step away, I pulled out my phone and texted the group chat explaining what had happened, informing the others that we were at home. “Lix, I need your advice since you’re a little too. Do you think making Christmas cookies is a suitable activity for littles?”, I asked biting my nails. My dongsaeng’s face lit up and he nodded excitedly. “You think we could bake with Minho?”, he asked excitedly and I nodded. “If you get him ready and make him eat, I’ll prepare some dough for sugar cookies. There must be some recipes online and I think we also have a few cookie-cutters”, I smiled and Felix nodded walking to the bathroom to check if Minho was done.

While Felix helped the little to put his hoodie, which was inside-out when he exited the bathroom, on correctly and sat him down at the table to munch on his sandwiches, I kneaded together the basic ingredients, following the instructions I had found when searching the internet. I heard giggles and after patting Minho’s head, Felix passed me to put the plate into the sink. Felix then stopped at the cookie- cutters I had laid out on the counter. I watched him admire them with glassy eyes before he shook his had and carried them over to the dining table. We didn’t have many cookie-cutters, just a star, a heart, a candy cane and a small gingerbread man. I rolled the dough into a ball and placed it into a bowl before grabbing a rolling pin and following Felix to the dining table. Minho smiled at me excitedly and Felix ruffled his hair before rolling the littles’ sleeves up. “Lixxie, you know, you can slip too. I know you want to”, I suggested but he shook his head with a smile that didn’t fully convince me. “Nah, Hyung, I’m good. I don’t want to burden you with having to look after two littles”, he mumbled, chewing on his lip. “That’s alright, Lixxie. I’m more than ok with that, go ahead”, I encouraged while rubbing his back but he just shook his head again. “Lixxie, look how cute those cookie-cutters look. I’m sure MinMin and you will make even cuter cookies with them”, I said cheerfully, picking up the gingerbread man shaped cookie-cutter and handing it to Felix who broke into a bright smile. He quickly went to hug Minho, bouncing slightly. “Right, MinMin, we’ll make weally cute cookies?”, he giggled with a lisp, to which the other little nodded and I could tell my plan had worked. Only after Felix had slipped did I noticed how tense he had been before because his shoulders were now hanging in a more comfortable and relaxed position.

After rolling Felix’ sleeves up too, I divided the dough into two and rolled out it out on the dining table. The littles were quick to grab a cookie-cutter each and start to work on cutting shapes out of the dough. To be honest, this way it was easy to take care of two littles at once, since all I had to do was roll out the dough over and over again and bake the cut-out cookies. Ok I admit, sometimes I had to transfer a cookie onto the baking sheet when it got stuck on the table and remind the littles not to eat the raw dough because it contained egg but that was it. At some point I had turned on some quiet Christmas music which was playing softly in the background, while we enjoyed a relaxed afternoon.

A few hours later the proud littles welcomed the rest of their hyungs home with cookies that were only slightly burned, which I fully take the blame for as I might have gotten distracted adoring their cuteness and therefore forgotten to take the cookies out on time. Sure the thought of having to teach the choreography to Minho again tomorrow was constantly in the back of my head but for now I chose to enjoy the innocent bliss as long as possible. As did the rest of the group who let themselves unwind in the evening, eating cookies and praising the littles for their hard work making treats for everyone. Our two littles fell asleep to the soothing background music, cuddled up on the couch from where Chan and I carried them to bed.

A love letter to The Wombats

First, a brief background about The Wombats: The Wombats is an interesting English Indie Rock Band. They started back in 2003 in Liverpool, United Kingdom. The most interesting thing about them is how experimental they are with their albums — considering their vast range. One might think that The Wombats don’t care about what you and I think. They care about their art and what that represents. This is what makes them free to do whatever they want. Now, the album that I want to talk about is some of their earlier work. It was released back in 2007. Damn, that feels like an eternity ago. So let’s begin our journey.

The first track: Tales of Girls, Boys and Marsupials. For me, this track prepares you for what’s to come. It is a good melody and relatively simple. I’ve always enjoyed it because of how strange it is. From this, we move onto the second track.

Kill the Director. This is the song that brought me to the album, and for a long time, it was one of the most played songs for me on Spotify. When I think of this song, I think of the music video which you should watch. The song is different from the first track, and it is faster and has a lot of content. My favourite things are British pop culture references. The nods to Bridget Jones’s Diary and EastEnders make this a quintessentially British song.

Track 3: Moving to New York, this song has always been close to my heart because it is edgy. It tells us what the British think of American cities like New York. I have always had trouble understanding this song due to multiple reasons. Even right now while I’m reading the lyrics and thinking about what to write about them, I am confused. If you look at it literally, the song talks about sleeplessness and Christmas for some reason. Now, let me tell you what I feel about it. This has always been a song to which I headbang and do the air guitar. I never really understood the lyrics. I probably never will. Though, my favourite part has been these lines.

“I put one foot forward and ended up 30 yards back.

Am I losing touch, or am I just completely off the track?

And I don’t know why I want to voice this out loud.

It’s therapeutic somehow.”

Especially the line, “Am I losing touch or am I just completely off track”. Back when I first heard this song, the pandemic was at its peak. I was preparing for entrances, and life was a mess. I related to this, and I’m sure you guys will as well. This song will make you feel things and reconsider life as a whole.

Now, moving onto track 4, Lost in the Post. This is the most popular song on the album. The song sounds surprisingly happy, but when you pay attention, the lyrics are depressing. It is my kind of music because it tells us a story with a catchy chorus. The line that has stuck with me is “She Wanted Mary Poppins but I took her to King Lear”. It represents so much more than you and I can comprehend. It represents not being enough and a theme of overcompensation followed by under-compensation. Its a simple song but the Wombats have done a good job of packing it with references. It is a song about insecurities and love, the two things that are fundamental to any artist.

Track 5: Party in a Forest(Where’s Laura?). Laura, oh, Laura. I will never truly understand this song. Is it a love letter to Laura or is it a desperate man singing for a girl who will never love him back? Throughout the song, he keeps calling out to Laura, but there’s no response. By the end of it, it seems like he has almost given up. Maybe I’m just reading too much into music, or perhaps this boy is writing songs about a gender he doesn’t understand.

Track 6 is something most of us can relate to. Titled “Schools Uniform”, it is literally from the perspective of a teenage boy going through puberty. It is not the typical “Oh. I miss school” song, but maybe a more realistic approach to what school was. Those uniforms, which most of us claim to miss, perhaps made a joke of us. He sings about a girl he likes and who he used to be friends with, but now she has an older boyfriend. The most important thing about this song is how teens romanticise/think that smoking is cool. It’s the whole trope of doing something because someone else is doing it. After all, someone has deemed it cool. The song does an excellent job of talking about how teenagers try their best to fit in to get the validation they so desperately want. This is generally executed by doing things that most of the time is not good for them, and here ends track 6.

Moving on to track 7, the song I’m most excited to write about. Here Comes the Anxiety is the epitome of a cry for help. It is probably the most painful to listen to because it doesn’t even hide that it is sad. I have to give it credit for being honest about its message. In a messed up way, this taught me how to be honest about myself. The song starts by calling out what I think is all music where creators hide the real message behind catchy hooks and other techniques. The essence of the song is hypocritical; it has a catchy hook line(It is literally in the title). The song is just lying to you; it tries to sell an honest image, but it is not. Don’t get me wrong, it is a good song, but it is just like everything else. It is a dark song like it claims to be. It is a song about a lonely man who doesn’t want to be alone, and that’s about it for track 7.

Let’s Dance to Joy Division is one of my favourite songs. So, I have a sort of personal bias towards it. It is happy and real but also quite sad. The lines

“Everything is going wrong but we’re so happy” perfectly captures the essence of this kind of music. It is happy music, so don’t question it. You don’t need to be comfortable while listening to it, maybe sing along and pretend that your life isn’t going to shit. My interpretation of this song is, you shouldn’t question life while it is happening. If something has to go wrong, it probably will, so why even worry about it. Just be happy and maybe play this on a loop.

Track 9 is Backfire at the Disco. It describes a heterosexual first date. A guy gets ready at 8 pm, meets the girl and then gets slapped. The story is pretty straightforward. The guy makes a move at the wrong time. The girl slaps him in response and has to go back home alone at 3 am. What’s important to me isn’t the story but how it’s told. The song starts with how everything is fine and how it is all going okay. It sounds like the girl is in the wrong and that we should feel bad for the guy. The song gets pretty misogynistic when he calls her dress whorish. To give him some credit, he does admit his mistake by the end, but then it is too late, and the narrative has been set. This victimisation of the perpetrator is extremely harmful. It creates a story that men don’t know what to do and how it is an honest mistake. This message is toxic, and anyone listening to this should keep this in mind.

Little Miss Pipedream describes a toxic one-sided relationship. The song is comparatively slower-paced, where the stress is on the lyrics. The song expects us to feel sympathy for this man who is madly in love with this girl. The protagonist is portrayed as a friendly guy who is willing to wait for this girl. This man has selfish ideas of love, and he’s trying to convince the listeners to sympathise with him. These ideas are selfish because they are all based around him. Lyrics like, “Don’t leave miss pipedream cause I love you.” is an example of what is incorrect with this song. Pop culture has often romanticised these ideas and portrayed these men as heroes.

Track 11 is about a therapist named Dr Susan. It is clear that Dr Susan is treating and is prescribing him narcotics. He is infatuated with her and is willing to do anything for her. This is clearly some toxic behaviour. The singer keeps repeating “This Time” which means that he has done this before. The most concerning thing is “Help Me Help Help Me, Susan”. We can see a theme where he asks for help but no one gives it to him and there ends track 11.

Track 12 is about loving a woman who doesn’t want to be loved. The singer has fallen in love with a stripper and is willing to do anything to be with her. His behaviour indicates that he has lost track of reality. In his head, his actions are part of a grander love story but it is psychotic behaviour. This is ironic cause the last song was about a therapist. He clearly knows what he is doing is wrong but he still continues to do so. This entire song does a good job of showing a messed up, toxic relationship between a desperate man and a stripper.

The story of Track 13 is set at the wedding of the protagonist’s ex-girlfriend. It does something unusual by portraying alcoholic tendencies at a wedding. The lyrics make it clear that he still has some feelings for his ex-girlfriend. I don’t know where the blame lies on this one because of the conflicting narratives. The repetition of the line, “She’s not that beautiful” shows us his hatred towards the bride and how our emotions are more complex than they seem. One would assume that after all this time he wouldn’t resent his old partner but he does. This is because humans are complicated and irrational and there’s nothing we can do about it. This also shows how when we are with someone everything seems romantic but when they leave we criticise all their actions. To conclude, the song is quite entertaining and definitely worth listening to.

If you have read this until now and not skimmed as most people will, you must be thinking that all these songs sound somewhat similar. It’s a simple boy loves girl plot which is portrayed in multiple different settings. Before I started writing this, I thought that I would have something unique to write about each song, but I don’t. As I moved on from track to track, I realised that most of these are about the same thing. Does this mean the songs are not great? No, of course not, they are amazing. Each track is unique and has a storyline, the music is good, and that’s why people enjoy it. Music is subjective, and at the end of the day, my opinion means jackshit. Yeah, enjoy the music; I hope what I wrote made you think and introspect about the music you listen to.

SkyFire 2: Chapter 17

“A place where you’ll be safe to feel our grace”: March 2017

Word count: 3.7k

SkyFire 2 MASTERLIST

>Instagram posts

Harry and Aurora changed their plans, spending the holidays in Holmes Chapel with Anne, Robin and Robins children instead of flying to New York. Johannah’s funeral was held in between Christmas and New Years and both Harry and Aurora felt the need to stay close by in case Louis or his family needed anything. They returned to London in the first few weeks of 2017, meeting up with Jeff almost everyday to finalise the album and tour that were both fast approaching.

They received the keys to the Battersea apartment in the middle of the February, but both decided that while they would spend the rest of the month, and the first half of March, decorating and moving in their furniture. They wouldn’t officially move in and stay the night until their wedding day, March 26th. It had been Harry’s suggestion, wanting to make the few days following the wedding extra special before they returned to St Lucia for a weeklong honeymoon before the launch of his debut single on April 7th. Aurora had found the idea very romantic and enjoyed spending the time leading up to the big day painting feature walls and having furniture delivered. She also had her final fittings for her wedding dress, her excitement growing the closer she got to the last weekend of March.

In addition to setting up their new house, Aurora also found herself busy with another project after receiving an unexpected call from Mark in the first week of March.

“So, I’ve got some Scottish guy interested in Leave a Light On,” he said one afternoon when Aurora answered the phone. She put the phone on speaker as she continued painting a mural of vines and leaves on the feature wall in the dining room.  

“Ok…” she replied uncertainly. “Is there a problem with that because you don’t usually keep me in the loop on these things unless the persons problematic and you think I’ll say no to them.”

“I don’t think you’ll say no,” Mark said. “He’s pretty new on the scene, only just released his debut EP a few weeks ago.”

“Please get to the point Mark, I’m up to my elbows in wet paint.”

“He wants to meet with you and talk about changing lyrics.”

“Did you tell him that’s not really how this usually works?”

“I did. I told him the normal process is to just send through what he’s thinking, and you’d agree or decline but he’s insistent on meeting you. Said something about the song seeming too personal and he wanted to work with you on the changes. Pretty sure he’s a fan.”

“You said he’s released an EP;  I’ll give it a listen and if I like his stuff, I’ll meet with him.”

She hung up the phone, returning to the mural for a few minutes but the conversation was bouncing around in her head, so she put down her brush and picked her phone back up. After opening Spotify, she typed in the name Mark had given her and pulled up the artist profile. Mark had been right; Tom Walker was relatively new on the music scene; there was only the 4 track EP and 3 other singles in his discography. She clicked on the first track of the EP, Blessings, and returned to her painting as a simple beat filled the room, quickly accompanied by a raspy voice. Her head bopped to the beat, swaying to the melody as Tom sang about counting his blessings. She smiled softly as the song ended, then next providing more of his unique voice accompanied by a faster paced backing track. By the time she finished the 4th and final track of the EP, her paint brush was hanging limply in her hand, her eyes closed as she swayed to the music. She was a fan of his work and moved on to the 3 singles that hadn’t appeared on the EP. She also sent a text to Mark telling him to set up a meeting.

xXx

A week and a half after her phone call with Mark, she stepped into the Starbucks in south Hampstead, thankful that Mark had set up the meeting in a location close to Erskine and given the unusually good early spring weather, she had walked across the heath. She’d misjudged her timing and was 10 minutes late by the time she stepped into the chain coffee shop, instantly spotting Tom Walker sitting in the corner. She’d googled him the day before and he looked exactly like his photo, although she noted that his size was more intimidating in person as she stepped towards his table.

“Tom?” she asked, causing his head to snap up from his phone screen, a smile lighting up his face as he stood and offered his hand. She shook it. “So sorry I’m late. I thought I’d take advantage of the nice weather and walk here but it was a little further than I expected.”

“Not a problem,” he replied. “What are you drinking?”

He was already heading for the till to order. “Oh no,” Aurora protested. “You don’t have to.”

“Please,” he replied, “You and I both know that you didn’t have to agree to meet with me. Least I can do is buy your drink.”

“Ok. In that case I’ll just have a caramel latte please.”

After placing their order, he returned to the table, and Aurora found herself taking note that they seemed to be the only customers, not that she was all too surprised given that it was 10am on Wednesday and despite the touristy area, most people were out exploring the heath.

“Thank you again for this,” Tom said.

“Don’t mention it,” Rori smiled. “I listened to your EP and you intrigue me. Most people aren’t interested in having me help them change my songs.”

“Your manager mentioned that. Although I can’t really say I know what the usual procedure is for this since I’ve written all my own stuff until now.”

“So why are you picking up a demo?” Rori asked, genuinely curious.

“A mate had me listened to a stack of demos he was sent to help him pick out his next project and as soon as I heard your song it just hit me. Couldn’t get it out of my head.”

“But you want to change it?” Rori asked, smirking around the lip of her coffee mug.

“Just a bit,” he chuckled. “It’s pretty clear once you hit the second verse that you wrote it about gun violence and given everything you went through; I can’t imagine it was an easy song to give away.”

“Kind of the opposite actually,” Rori admitted. “It’s too personal for me to ever sing myself. Too emotional.”  

“I get that,” he nodded. “Until I got to that verse it got me really emotional thinking about the friends I’ve lost to overdoses and how I wish I could have provided them a safe place. That’s what I’d want the song to be about if you let me record it. But I didn’t want to just send you my track without the context and have you think I wanted to erase your message.”

“Thank you,” she said, swallowing against the lump in her throat. Is it just the second verse that you want to change?”

“Just the lines; but if you carry on spiralling, they'll be robbed from us. I refuse to lose another friend to guns. I was thinking of changing it to; but if you carry on abusing, you'll be robbed from us. I refuse to lose another friend to drugs.”

“I think I’d be ok with that,” Rori agreed.

“I’ve got the track on my phone if you wanted to give it a listen,” Tom offered, gesturing to where his phone sat on the table between them. Aurora smiled, rifling through her bag for her headphones and holding out the jack to him as she placed the ear buds in.

Tom’s voice filled her ears, accompanied by the familiar notes of her piano track. Strings entered the accompaniment and Aurora found herself surprised when the drop hit with a heavy drum and synth sound through the chorus. She smiled softly as she listened, her eyes closed. As the song began to drop away, only Tom’s voice and the piano petering out to the final notes, Aurora opened her eyes, taking in his nervous expression.

“Holy shit,” she muttered. “That’s bloody incredible, innit?”

“You like it?” he asked.

“Love it,” she corrected. “Think you’ve got a hit on your hands with that one.”

They sat there for another hour talking music and influences. Aurora found herself laughing more often than not and just enjoying his company. As lunch neared, people started to drift in and fill up the tables around them. Aurora knew it was only a matter of time until she was spotted and not wanting to deal with the fans, she decided it was time to leave.

“Do you have anywhere to be this afternoon?” Aurora asked Tom. “Because I’ve got the beginnings of a song, I think you’d suit perfectly. If you wanted to come back to my place, I could play it for you, and you might be able to help me finish it.”

“Aurora Stark wants to write a song with me?” Tom asked, somewhat confused by the offer. “You are aware that you’re pretty famous right?”

“Nah, I’m just a girl from Wimbledon,” Rori joked. “Besides, with my songs, you’ll be the famous one before long.”

“And you’re so humble,” Tom joked. “But seriously, I’d be bloody honoured to write with you.”

“Well then let’s go,” she said.

Tom drove as Rori provided directions and within 10 minutes they were parked and walking through the front door. “Please excuse the mess,” she said, gesturing to the boxes cluttering the front rooms of the house, “we’re in the process of moving house.”

Tom nodded, following her upstairs towards the studio Harry had set up for them.

“So, I only have the first verse, bridge and chorus,” Aurora explained as she took a seat at her piano. She stalled for another brief moment before finally biting the bullet and beginning to play.

Let's just talk I'll pour my heart out through my mouth This year's been hard for us no doubt

Let's raise a glass to a better one And all the things that we've overcome And bring home to us 'cause Me and you we can hold this out Only you understand how I'm feeling now yeah

And I know, I can tell you anything You won't judge, you're just listening 'Cause you're the best thing that ever happened to me

'Cause my darling, you and I could take over the world And one step at a time, just you and I 'Cause you're the only one, who brings light just like the sun One step at a time, just you and I

Tom smiled at her when she finished, easing the nervousness that had been boiling in her stomach. “What do you think?” she asked.

“What do I think?” Tom echoed, looking at her with a bright smile stretching across his face. “I think it’s bloody brilliant.”

“Well it’s not finished yet,” Rori reminded him, blushing slightly at his compliment.

“Maybe I can help with that,” he said. “You got this written down anywhere?”

Aurora nodded, grabbing a notebook off the top of the piano and flipping through it until she found the lyrics and a lose page of handwritten sheet music tucked in next to it. “Here,” she said, offering the sheet to him.

“Mind if I take this with me and mull it over for a bit and then maybe we could get together again to work on it?”

“I’d love that,” Aurora admitted, returning his excited grin. “The piano is actually getting moved to our new place on Wednesday, but if you’re free later in the week we could have a writing sesh?” Aurora suggested.

“Perfect,” he said.

They chatted for a little longer, making plans to get together later in the week and then Rori walked Tom out to his car, hugging him goodbye before heading back inside to finish packing the last of the things that would make the move over to the new apartment. The majority of the furniture was staying behind, as were some of the pieces of art on the walls but otherwise all of their personal items were going with them. The plan was for everything left behind to be just what was needed for family to stay for the wedding and then they would start looking into renting the property out.

Harry arrived home about an hour after Tom left and helped her fill the Land Rover with another load of boxes before they drove it over to Battersea. On the drive and while they ferried boxes into the apartment Aurora filled Harry in on her meeting with Tom and their plans to write together later in the week.

“So, you like him?” Harry asked as they unpacked a few of the boxes in the kitchen.  

“He’s a lovely guy,” Aurora replied, “and bloody talented. Did you listen to the EP I sent you?”

“I did,” Harry replied. “He’s got a great voice. Loved the lyrics in Rapture.”

“Right? I gave him a song I’ve half started, and I can’t wait to see what he does with it.”

Harry smiled at her enthusiasm. “What day is he coming over to work? I’ll make sure I’m out of your hair.”

“Thursday,” Rori replied. “You could join us if you want.”

“This is your thing love,” Harry said, kissing the top of her head. “But I’ll be your first listener when you’re done though.”

“Always,” Rori agreed with a soft smile of her own. “Now more importantly,” she continued, changing the subject abruptly and causing Harry to chuckled. “I can’t be arsed cooking so what do you say to pizza for dinner?”

xXx

Tom was coming over in the afternoon, so Aurora spent Thursday morning working on one of the murals in the guest rooms. So far, she had completed one in the dining room and master suite while 2 of the 3 guest rooms were half completed. While Aurora had spent the majority of the last month painting the walls, buying furniture and moving their belongings over from Erskine, Harry had focused on putting together the music studio for them both in the largest of the bedrooms at the end of the hall. After the sound proofing had been completed, the last step had been to move the piano over the previous day and now he was turning his attention to setting up desks in their home office.

They ate a quick lunch together and then Harry left to return to Erskine House to meet with Becca who was having the chairs and tables for the reception dinner delivered. They had brought over the last of their things that morning, save the clothes and toiletries they would need for the rest of the week, leaving the house feeling rather empty. Aurora was excited to be finally moving into the apartment in a few days and even more excited to be doing so as husband and wife. After Harry left, Aurora returned to the guest room she’d been painting and ensured that she’d closed all of her paint tins and washed her brushes before Tom text to let her know that he was downstairs in the lobby. She buzzed him through from the app on her phone and headed back towards the dining room to meet him at the front door once he exited the lift.

“Found the place ok?” she asked as he hugged her in the doorway.

“It’s gorgeous,” he said, following her as she stepped back into the apartment and gave him a quick tour of the main rooms before heading into the studio. “Did you want the wall art?”

“I did,” she replied with a proud smile. “Haven’t had a lot of time to paint recently with all the album work and the holidays so it’s been fun to have a project to work on.”

“They’re incredible,” Tom complimented. “Is there anything you can’t do?”

“Basic maths,” she laughed, “much to my dad’s dismay.”

They settled into the studio, with Aurora at the piano while Tom flipped through the notebook he’d brought with him. “I had a bit of a play around with that song you gave me on Monday,” he explained. “Wanna play it from the top and I’ll show you what I’ve got?”

“Sure thing,” Rori agreed. “Just head back into the verse after the chorus?”

“Yeah, and then pre-chorus, chorus, 3rd verse straight into the chorus for a final time.”

“You got it,” Aurora nodded before she began the simple melody, smiling as Tom started signing. He’d changed the opening line of the song but left the rest of her  verse, pre-chorus and chorus unedited, his voice lending a quality to the song that she loved. For her the song, like so many that she wrote, revolved around Harry and with the wedding only days away, romance had been leaking into every aspect of her waking days. She wasn’t sure what she expected from Tom’s lyrics, but she found herself loving the way his own relationship blended with hers and Harry’s to create a complete story of love over time. While the first verse spoke of the challenges she had faced by his side since the shooting and the end of the band, Tom’s 2nd and 3rd verses weaved the story of reminiscing over the early days of love.

Let's get drunk Reminisce about the days We were broke, not getting paid And taking trips on the weekend When I would drive down to see ya And we would paint the town Too many shots, I'll be passing out 'Cause I can never keep up Quad vods, now I'm puking up

I know I can tell you anything You won't judge, you're just listening, yeah 'Cause you're the best thing that ever happened to me 'Cause my darling, you and I Could take over the world One step at a time Just you and I 'Cause you're the only one Who brings light just like the sun One step at a time Just you and I Tired of chasing paper Staring at this screen Been saving up for weeks now Just to get to you, my dear And though you're far from my home This ain't no weekend bar Oh, my heart grows fonder Must be city love  

They finished with a final repetition of the chorus and were both grinning at each other by the end, recognising immediately how great the song sounded. The tinkered with the arrangement for a while, discussing which instruments would sound best for the final track. Tom also played a few other tracks he was working on, asking Aurora for feedback and advice which she happily provided. They worked for most of the afternoon, finally calling it a day as dinnertime neared and Harry text to ask Aurora what time he could expect her as he was planning when to start cooking.

“I don’t have much on next week if you wanted to get together and write some more,” Tom said as he grabbed his things and got ready to leave.

“I’m actually busy next week,” Rori replied. “For the next few weeks actually.”

“Oh? What are you up to?”

“I’m getting married on Sunday,” Rori replied, “and then we’re heading to the Caribbean for a week for our honeymoon.”

“Oh of course,” Tom laughed. “The wedding of the century. It’s been the talk of the gossip blogs for weeks.”

“You read the gossip blogs?” Aurora ask, echoing his laugh.

“My sister does,” he blushed. “She likes to keep me informed. Think I’m the only one that will let her talk my ear off about it all. Thought she was going to pass out when I told her I was working with you.”

“Well tell her I said hi,” Rori said. “Maybe we could get together when I get back in a few weeks though. Harry’s album is coming out in early May, but we should be able to work something out around the promo.”

“Absolutely, just text me your schedule and I’ll fit around it.”

xXx

All of their family and bridal party began arriving at Erskine House on Saturday afternoon for the rehearsal dinner, which was a relaxed evening filled with laughter and embarrassing stories. Aurora had never really understood bridezillas; she didn’t feel the need to get so stressed out about ensuring everything was perfect, instead wanting to be able to enjoy the day with Harry and their friends and family. Their wedding planner, Becca, had taken care of all the little details and would be on hand the next day to coordinate and ensure nothing went wrong, allowing Harry and Aurora to simply enjoy it all.

The back garden was beautifully decorated, with fairy lights strung up above the tables and the temporary dancefloor. The table settings were all soft cream and navy, matching in with the bridesmaid’s dresses. The weather was clear and while not hot, it also wasn’t too cold for an outdoor dinner and there was thankfully no sign of rain on the forecast.

Neither Aurora nor Harry felt the need to fall on classic traditions and had decided to take a more modern approach to their wedding. They’d begun skirting tradition by having the combined bachelor/bachelorette trip back in November and continued by deciding that it was unnecessary to spend the night before the wedding apart given that they had been living together for most of their relationship, with the exception of when Harry had been on tour or off filming Dunkirk. After dinner, the bridal party and the couple’s parents stayed in the many guest rooms while the rest of the Avengers headed to a nearby hotel for the night.

They laid in bed late at night, wrapped up in each other’s arms. “I’m so excited for tomorrow,” Aurora whispered into the darkness, her head cushioned against Harry’s chest.

“Me too,” he replied. “Can’t believe you’re finally going to be my wife.”

“And you’ll be my husband,” she added. “I love you, Harry.”

“I love you too,” he murmured. “More than I could ever explain.”

NEXT CHAPTER

OR CONTINUE READING ON AO3

A more refined and accurate version of my top 50 Albums of all time in no real order. This time I’m gonna go into some more detail for my choices.  So if you wanna read that it’ll be after the line break.

1. Graceland - Paul Simon. This is the only album I have on CD, Cassette and Vinyl. It’s honestly a perfect album. I don’t really like ‘That Was Your Mother’ on it’s own but when hearing it as part of the album it’s great.

2. Abbey Road - The Beatles. My favorite Beatles album and I love how the B-side is knows as The Abbey Road Medley. It also has Ringo’s only Drum Solo in the entire Beatles catalog and we all know Ringo is the best Beatle. I have it on Vinyl.

3. In Step - Stevie Ray Vaughan and Double Trouble. Stevie Ray Vaughan is by far my favorite guitarist of all time. Every track on this album kicks ass and he put his heart and soul into every note he played. I have it on Vinyl.

4. Brothers In Arms - Dire Straits. Over all a great little rock album. I find a lot of the songs to be comforting in their own way,  like “So Far Away” and “Brothers In Arms” are very comforting to me. I have it on Vinyl.

5. Winelight - Grover Washington Jr. By God this album is fucking Sexy, like holy shit. This is a more recent listen but I was missing out just listening to “Just the Two of Us” (Featuring Vocals by Bill Withers).

6. Watching You Watching Me - Bill Withers. Nelson George said that this album was I quote "full of little pleasures" and he’s damned right. There is not a single song on this album I don’t like, by far my favorite R&B album of all time. I have it on Vinyl.

7. Future Development - Del the Funky Homosapien. My favorite Hip Hop/Rap album ever. Del’s flows and rhymes are on point throughout the whole album.

8. Spontaneous Inventions - Bobby McFerrin. A live album that you wouldn’t think was live since there’s little to no crowd noise. A great Vocal Jazz album showcasing how Bobby McFerrin can use his voice as an instrument all it’s own. I have it on Vinyl.

9. Squeeze Box: The Complete Works of "Weird Al" Yankovic. This is kinda cheating since it’s a Box Set of every album Weird Al made and an extra album with unreleased stuff. But I can’t choose just one Weird Al album so this will have to do.

10. The Wall - Pink Floyd. This whole Album really resonates with me and helped me understand my depression after I dropped out of college. It really has a place in my life. I have it on Vinyl.

11. Kilimanjaro - The Rippingtons. A fantastic Smooth Jazz / Jazz Fusion album. I really like Jazz Fusion and this is a great example of it.  I have it on Vinyl.

12. Dreamland - Black Box. An Italo house/Eurodance album that’s my favorite in the whole house genre. Some great dance tracks on this. I have it on Vinyl.

13. Tourist in Paradise - The Rippingtons. This album came out right after Kilimanjaro and is another great example of Smooth Jazz Fusion. I have it on Vinyl.

14. Teddy Pendergrass - Teddy Pendergrass. His debut solo album and a fantastic piece of R&B. It also has the  greatest break-up song ever “I Don’t Love You Anymore”. I have it on Vinyl.

15. S.O.S - The S.O.S Band. Their first album, a disco album that came out in 1980 after disco died in the USA. Was really big in Nighclubs and is a good album aside from "S.O.S. (Reprise)" which just sucks.  I have it on Vinyl.

16. Purple Rain - Prince. This album is great. The guitar solo on “Purple Rain” is so good it could bring peace to the world.  I have it on Vinyl.

17.  Feels So Good - Chuck Mangione. A fantastic Smooth Jazz / Easy Listning. album "Hide and Seek (Ready or Not Here I Come)", “Feels So Good” and "The XIth Commandment" are just outstanding. I have it on Vinyl.

18. Elementary - Wah Wah Watson. Melvin M. Ragin’s only solo album. This is pure Jazz Funk at it’s best. I’ve used this album cover as an Icon online for years, I love it. I have it on Vinyl.

19. Rumours - Feetwood Mac. There’s only one track on this album that I don’t like and it’s "Oh Daddy”. I feel like that song just brings the whole album down emotionally. Other wise this albums pretty damn good. I have it on Vinyl.

20. Deltron 3030 - Deltron 3030. Del the Funky Homosapien, producer Dan the Automator, and DJ Kid Koala made a fantastic Hip-Hop/Rap opera Concept album. The story of a city in the dystopian year of 3030. 

21. Kisses on The Bottom - Paul McCartney. I caught this at like 2am on PBS' Great Performances one night in like 2013 maybe 2014 and fell in love with it. It’s mainly songs Paul McCartney grew up listening to and he wrote 2 songs in that style and it’s great.

22. Listen to the Scatman - “Scatman” John Larkin. Did you know that Scatman John was a legit Jazz Piano player? This album is just full of fantastic jazz and one kinda out of place dance song.

23. Loop Daddy II -  Marc Rebillet. Sure this is more of an EP but I put a whole Box Set on the list so shut up. Every song is a pure sexy dance groove. I love it.

24. Places and Spaces - Donald Byrd. This is 100% Pure Trumpet Jazz-Funk. This album fucking slaps hardcore. The way Donald Byrd plays the trumpet and flugelhorn is magical.

25. Whenever You Need Somebody - Rick Astley. Not only does this album have the Meme hit "Never Gonna Give You Up" it has a very heartfelt version of "When I Fall in Love". Every song is a mad banger. I have it on Vinyl.

26. Mint Jams - Casiopea. Casiopea makes some great Japanese Jazz Funk Fusion and this is by far their best album. I love me some Jazz Funk Fusion and some of the best stuff came out of Japan in the 80′s.

27. Hi-Five Soup - The Aquabats.  A great New Wave album that kids will enjoy. The Aquabats got more child friendly since they got a kids TV show but this album does have my boy Strong Bad on it. I have it on CD

28. Myths, Legends and Other Amazing Adventures, Vol. 2 - The Aquabats. An earlier Aquabats album since it’s a bunch of unreleased stuff and B-sides. “Pizza Day” speaks to my soul. I have it on CD

29. The Dance - Dave Koz. One of the first Smooth Jazz albums I ever listened to, it really helped me get into Smooth Jazz which lead me to my love of the Smooth Jazz and Jazz-Fusion. I have it on CD

30. The Corner Grocery Store - Raffi. This is an album form my childhood. I still have my VHS bootleg of Raffi on Broadway from when I was a kid. This album has my favorite song sung by Raffi, “Anansi”. 

31. Led Zeppelin 2 - Led Zeppelin. My favorite Zepplin album. “Moby Dick” is my favorite song off the album even if it’s just a big ass drum solo.  I have it on Vinyl.

32. Darkside of The Moon -  Pink Floyd. This is what I consider to be Pink Floyd’s most Jazz-Rock-Fusion oriented album. The whole albums flows together into a great soundscape. I have is on Vinyl.

33. Random Access Memories - Daft Punk. I find this to be a concept album about how Daft Punk is a pair of Robots. Part of it seems like that with the album title being a close reference to Random Access Memory aka RAM and the song title "Motherboard". A lot of the lyrics in the album make me think it has some kind of concept but that’s just me. I have this on CD

34. Thriller 25 Super Deluxe Edition - Michael Jackson.  This was the first CD I remember buying with my own money I got it at FYE. I only really listened to the songs that originally came on Thriller and not the new 2008 versions of the songs.

35. Can’t Get Enough - Barry White. This album is sexy as fuck, god be damned if you listen to this and not get turned on even slightly.

36. Larry Carlton Plays the Sound of Philadelphia. This is a great full of classic Philadelphia R&B as preformed by legendary session guitarist Larry Carton. He plays all the songs in a very Jazz like style that I just love.

37. Pure Pure - Moe Shop. A fantastic little Dance/Electronic EP. I like to call it a Future Funk EP but it’s in that vain of Vaporwave and Future Funk which are both good genres.

38. The Soundtrack to Mulan. Mulan is my favorite Disney animated movie so of course the soundtrack is on my list. I have this on cassette and it’s one of the two tapes I always listen to on long walks.

39. Every Breath You Take: The Singles - The Police. This is my other go-to cassette to listen to on long walks. This is basically the greatest hits of The Police but it’s fantastic.

40. Head Hunters - Herbie Hancock. I told you I liked Jazz-Funk Fusion right? This is perfect example of the genre made by the fantastic Jazz pianist and composer Herbie Hancock.

41. Marcos Valle - Marcos Valle (1983) Marcos Valle released a self titled album in 1970 according to Wikipedia, but I’m talking about the one from 1983. A great Brazilian Disco/Dance Bossa Nova  Samba mix album with some great dance-able tunes.

42. Homestar Runner Original Soundtrack Volume 1 (Songs, Background Music, Jingles, and Worse).

43. Homestar Runner Original Soundtrack Volume 2 (Songs, Background Music, Jingles, and Worse) .

44. Homestar Runner Original Soundtrack Volume 3 (Songs, Background Music, Jingles, and Worse) . If I could have all 3 volumes in the "HSR OST Full-On!" playlist from they would all be one entry leaving me a bit more room to play with. Plus the fact that Volume 4, a Limozeen album, a Sloshy album and a Videlectrix album are all planed for release it would help to just bundle all the Homestar Runner music together.

45. Strong Bad Sings (and Other Type Hits). This is the more “Legit”  Homestar Runner Music. I love Homestar Runner and was even featured in the 2018 Fan Costumes video so technically in a way I’m part of the Homestar Runner Cannon.

46. Fallout: New Vegas OST. My favorite Fallout game and I’d be amiss if I didn’t add the soundtrack to my list. One of my favorite games of all time even if I rarely play it.

47. Dinosaur Dracula’s Halloween & Christmas Jukebox. This is another one of those kinda cheating options since it’s two mix-tape type things. If I want to get in the Halloween or Christmas Spirit I can turn one of these Jukebox’s on and not have to worry about searching for mood music. With 100+ songs on each Jukebox I’m guaranteed good music.

48. 3 Hours of Relaxing Super Nintendo Music 1 & 2 - SNES Drunk. This is the music I turn on if I need some chill background noise or need something to fall asleep to. With a total of 6 hours of relaxing music I’m sure to fall asleep or just relax.

49. Xerf's Jazz/Fusion Mixes. So far there are 5 volumes of Japanese Jazz Fusion and like I said I like Jazz Fusion, espicaly Japanese Jazz Fusion.

50. Xerf's Jpop/AOR Mixes. There are thechinly 8 Volumes but volume 3 is just not there probbably due to copywrite. These mixes are more City Pop and older Japanese Pop, Adult-oriented rock, Funk that kinda stuff.