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thatsonemorbidcorvid · 1 month

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“Many of the women in Heterodoxy moved in corresponding circles and maintained similar beliefs. They were “veterans of social reform efforts,” writes Scutts in Hotbed, and they belonged to “leagues, associations, societies and organizations of all stripes.” A large number were public figures—influential lawyers, journalists, playwrights or physicians, some of whom were the only women in their fields—and often had their names in the papers for the work they were performing. Many members were also involved in a wide variety of women’s rights issues, from promoting the use of birth control to advocating for immigrant mothers.

In the early 20th century, New York City’s Greenwich Village earned a reputation as America’s bohemia, a neighborhood where everyone from artists and poets to activists and organizers came to pursue their dreams.

“In the Village, it was so easy to bump into great minds, to go from one restaurant to another, to a meeting house, to work for a meeting or to a gallery,” says Joanna Scutts, author of Hotbed: Bohemian Greenwich Village and the Secret Club That Sparked Modern Feminism. Here was a community where rents were still affordable, creative individuality thrived, urban diversity and radical experiments were the norm, and bohemian dissenters could come and go as they pleased.

Such a neighborhood was the ideal breeding ground for Heterodoxy, a secret society that paved the way for modern feminism. The female debating club’s name referred to the many unorthodox women among its members. These individuals “questioned forms of orthodoxy in culture, in politics, in philosophy—and in sexuality,” noted ThoughtCo. in 2017.

Born as part of the initial wave of modern feminism that emerged during the 19th and early 20th centuries with suffrage at its center, the radical ideologies debated at Heterodoxy gatherings extended well beyond the scope of a women’s right to vote. In fact, Heterodoxy had only one requirement for membership: that a woman “not be orthodox in her opinion.”

“The Heterodoxy club and the work that it did was very much interconnected with what was going on in the neighborhood,” says Andrew Berman, executive director of Village Preservation, a nonprofit dedicated to documenting and preserving the distinct heritage of Greenwich Village. “With the suffrage movement already beginning to crest, women had started considering how they could free themselves from the generations and generations of structures that had been placed upon them.”

Unitarian minister Marie Jenney Howe founded Heterodoxy in 1912, two years after she and her husband, progressive reformer Frederic C. Howe, moved to the Village. “Howe was already in her 40s,” says Scutts, “and just got to know people through her husband’s professional connections, and during meetings and networks where progressive groups were very active at the time.”

Howe’s mindset on feminism was clear: “We intend simply to be ourselves,” she once said, “not just our little female selves, but our whole big human selves.”

Many of the women in Heterodoxy moved in corresponding circles and maintained similar beliefs. They were “veterans of social reform efforts,” writes Scutts in Hotbed, and they belonged to “leagues, associations, societies and organizations of all stripes.” A large number were public figures—influential lawyers, journalists, playwrights or physicians, some of whom were the only women in their fields—and often had their names in the papers for the work they were performing. Many members were also involved in a wide variety of women’s rights issues, from promoting the use of birth control to advocating for immigrant mothers.

Heterodoxy met every other Saturday to discuss such issues and see how members might collaborate and cultivate networks of reform. Gatherings were considered a safe space for women to talk, exchange ideas and take action. Jessica Campbell, a visual artist whose exhibition on Heterodoxy is currently on display at Philadelphia’s Fabric Workshop and Museum, says, “Their meetings were taking place without any kind of recording or public record. It was this privacy that allowed the women to speak freely.”

Scutts adds, “The freedom to disagree was very important to them.”

With 25 charter members, Heterodoxy included individuals of diverse backgrounds, including lesbian and bisexual women, labor radicals and socialites, and artists and nurses. Meetings were often held in the basement of Polly’s, a MacDougal Street hangout established by anarchist Polly Holladay. Here, at what Berman calls a “sort of nexus for progressive, artistic, intellectual and political thought,” the women would gather at wooden tables to discuss issues like fair employment and fair wages, reproductive rights, and the antiwar movement. The meetings often went on for hours, with each typically revolving around a specific subject determined in advance.

Reflecting on these get-togethers later in life, memoirist Mabel Dodge Luhan described them as gatherings of “fine, daring, rather joyous and independent women, … women who did things and did them openly.”

Occasionally, Heterodoxy hosted guest speakers, like modern birth control pioneer Margaret Sanger, who later became president of the International Planned Parenthood Federation, and anarchist Emma Goldman, known for championing everything from free love to the right of labor to organize.

While the topics discussed at each meeting remained confidential, many of Heterodoxy’s members were quite open about their involvement with the club. “Before I’d even heard of Heterodoxy,” says Scutts, “I had been working in the New-York Historical Society, researching for an [exhibition on] how radical politics had influenced a branch of the suffrage movement. That’s when I began noticing many of the same women’s names in overlapping causes. I then realized that they were all associated with this particular club.”

These women included labor lawyer, suffragist, socialist and journalist Crystal Eastman, who in 1920 co-founded the American Civil Liberties Union to defend the rights of all people nationwide, and playwright Susan Glaspell, a key player in the development of modern American theater.

Other notable alumni were feminist icon Charlotte Perkins Gilman, whose 1892 short story, “The Yellow Wallpaper,” illustrates the mental and physical struggles associated with postpartum depression, and feminist psychoanalyst Beatrice M. Hinkle, the first woman physician in the United States to hold a public health position. Lou Rogers, the suffrage cartoonist whose work was used as a basis for the design of Wonder Woman, was a member of Heterodoxy, as was Jewish socialist activist Rose Pastor Stokes.

Grace Nail Johnson, an advocate for civil rights and an influential figure in the Harlem Renaissance, was Heterodoxy’s only Black member. Howe “had personally written to and invited her,” says Scutts, “as sort of a representation of her race. It’s an unusual case, because racial integration was quite uncommon at the time.”

While exceptions did exist, the majority of Heterodoxy’s members were middle class or wealthy, and the bulk of them had obtained undergraduate degrees—still very much a rarity for women in the early 20th century. Some even held graduate degrees in fields like medicine, law and the social sciences. These were women with the leisure time to participate in political causes, says Scutts, and who could afford to take risks, both literally and figuratively. But while political activism and the ability to discuss topics overtly were both part of Heterodoxy’s overall ethos, most of its members were decidedly left-leaning, and almost all were radical in their ideologies. “Even if the meetings promoted an openness to disagree,” says Scutts, “it wasn’t like these were women from across the political spectrum.”

Rather, they were women who inspired and spurred each other on. For example, about one-third of the club’s members were divorced—a process that was still “incredibly difficult, expensive and even scandalous” at the time, says Scutts. The club acted as somewhat of a support network for them, “just by the virtue of having people around you that are saying, ‘I’ve gone through the process. You can, too, and survive.’”

According to Campbell, Heterodoxy’s new inductees were often asked to share a story about their upbringing with the club’s other members. This approach “helped to break down barriers that might otherwise be there due to their ranging political views and professional allegiances,” the artist says.

The Heterodoxy club usually went on hiatus during the summer months, when members relocated to places like Provincetown, Massachusetts, a seasonal outpost for Greenwich Village residents. As the years progressed, meetings eventually moved to Tuesdays, and the club began changing shape, becoming less radical in tandem with the Village’s own shifting energy. Women secured the right to vote with the ratification of the 19th Amendment in 1920, displacing the momentum that fueled the suffrage movement; around this same time, the Red Scare saw the arrests and deportations of unionists and immigrants. Rent prices in the neighborhood also increased dramatically, driving out the Village’s bohemian spirit. As the club’s core members continued aging, Heterodoxy became more about continuing friendships than debating radical ideologies.

“These women were not all young when they started to meet,” says Scutts in the “Lost Ladies of Lit” podcast. “You know, it’s 20, 30 years later, and so they stayed in touch, but they never really found the second generation or third generation to keep it going in a new form.”

By the early 1940s, the biweekly meetings of Heterodoxy were no more. Still, the club’s legacy lives on, even beyond the scope of modern feminism.

“These days, it’s so easy to dehumanize people when you’re only hearing one facet of their belief system,” says Campbell. “But the ability to change your mind and debate freely like the women of Heterodoxy, without any public record? It’s an interesting model for rethinking the way we talk about problems and interact with other people today.”

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tigers-eyes-26 · 1 year

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Work Injury

Their Papa had helped them get the job at the Wrecking Crew. They were grateful for the job, but the boss wasn’t so grateful for their help.

“What are these two pipsqueaks goin’ to do?” Spike cried when he saw his new hires.

Mario stepped up to defend himself and his brother. “We are strong! We are athletes! Let us prove ourselves! We can do whatever you ask us to do!”

Spike asked them to prove themselves day after day after day. Giving them tasks that would take several people to complete, much to Spike’s chagrin, they would usually complete it by the end of the day. Spike had a bet that they would quit within the week, but it didn’t look like that would be happening. To get back at the brothers for ruining his bet, he had them clean the work vans until they sparkled. They did it. Then he blamed them for making a small dent in the van that had already been there.

One day while inspecting a building a raccoon jumped out at Luigi causing him to jump and scream like a little girl. This amused Spike. Now when they would inspect a building Spike would hide around corners just to scare Luigi. Mario would get on Spikes case about scaring Luigi. Spike would say ‘it’s all in good fun’ and that they were ‘being weenies.’ Mario rolled his eyes.

One day Spike scared Luigi causing him to fall down a flight of stairs. That day Spike got a fist in the face from Mario. Mario complained to his family about the mistreatment.

“Whatcha goin’ to do sue Spike? We can’t afford a lawyer! Youse aren’t in a union just yet!”

“Your Papa had to pull a lot of strings to get you guys this good paying job!”

They all had experienced mistreatment at work before because they were an immigrant family. He just needed to suck it up and get the money they needed to “live the better life their nonno had sacrificed for them to live.” Mario left the room in a huff.

Even though Mario had punched his boss he showed up to work the next day.

Spike sneered down at him. “I’m surprised you showed your face around here again. I thought you would be home babying your brother.” Some of the other workers snickered.

“You want another black eye Spike?” The workers all gave a quiet Oooooohh. “I’m here to work and that is what I’m going to do.”

The workday was horrible. Spike made all of Mario’s tasks extra hard just to spite him. Mario took it all silently.

At the end of the day Mario sat on his brother’s bed and cried out his frustrations.

Luigi recovered but his knees were weaker than they used to be. Luigi used to jump higher than Mario did and now it was all gone. Mario hated Spike. He was the first person he ever truly hated. Mario would take on some of Luigi’s tasks so as not to hurt his knees more.

Spike took notice. “If he can’t carry his own weight, he shouldn’t work at all!”

“He is carrying as much as he can! If you hadn’t messed up his legs…!”

“I’m sorry your wussy brother is made of glass!” Mario clenched his fists. “If you hit me again, I’m going to sue you for as much as your family is worth!”

A dark shadow came over Mario. “I quit.”

Luigi came up to him. “Mario, you don’t have to quit! I’ll quit that way HE doesn’t have anything to hold over you. You’re the best worker here Mario! I can get another job somewhere else.”

“NO, I’M SICK OF HIS CRAP! I QUIT!” Mario stormed out. Luigi looked up at Spike staring down at him expectantly. Luigi groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. “I quit too!” He followed Mario out.

*******

Throughout his misadventures Luigi had run and jumped and fought and climbed but it was all fueled by adrenaline. After getting the super star his knees didn’t feel weak anymore. It was a miracle! He felt like he could truly help Mario out now. He could keep up! The brothers had always wanted to help others as a job. They were strong and worked well with their hands. He now felt more motivated than ever to help others. He felt more confident.

Mario and Peach challenged him to complete the training grounds. They both were blown away at how high he jumped over the obstacles. He completed the training with flying colors.

After jumping down from the flagpole Luigi got tackled in a hug by Mario. Mario shook his shoulders. “That was amazing!”

Peach skipped up to the brothers. “You did better than Mario!”

Luigi got his brother to stop shaking him by poking Mario in the belly. “Heheh! Does that mean Luigi is number 1?” He stood up tall and gave Mario a cheeky look.

“No, I still hold the record,” Luigi slumped a little. “But you are definitely second place!” She encouraged.

“At least I didn’t take all night!” Luigi resumed pestering his brother.

Mario swatted Luigi’s hands away, “Hey hey hey now! I could have completed it first try!”

Luigi held up his hands in a challenge, “Oh yeah? what stopped you eh?”

Mario didn’t have a comeback and started to become flustered. “Come ‘ere you!” He started to chase Luigi who jumped away through the training course. Peach laughed at the two brothers. It seemed all was right with the world.

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Authors notes: I'm making fanfiction of the small throw away lines in the Mario move that made me think. This one was "I have bad knees."

another one was: "Destiny Del Vecchio from high school?"

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cmcimmigration23 · 8 months

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Top Tips for Hiring an Affordable Immigration Lawyer Near Me Surrey, BC

Navigating the Immigration Maze

Are you planning to embark on a journey to Canada or facing immigration issues in Surrey, BC? If so, hiring an immigration lawyer can be a game-changer. But, in a sea of legal professionals, how do you find an affordable immigration lawyer near me in Surrey who will offer the assistance you need without burning a hole in your pocket? Don’t worry; we’ve got you covered! In this guide, we’ll walk you through the essential tips to help you navigate this intricate process successfully. Read more

#immigration lawyer #immigration lawyers #affordable immigration lawyers #immigration #canada immigration #immigration consultants #immigratetocanada #best immigration consultants #immigration canada #immigration to canada

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creationcitystreet-em · 3 months

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Foolish One

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Latina Reader

Summary: You are pining after Eddie as you two get to know each other post high school. AU, could be modern but I don't think I get specific enough for it to matter so it could also be 80s

A/N: This was supposed to be shorter, but really it's just an incredibly self indulgent post high school AU with Eddie. It's not my best work, but I'm going through some stuff in my personal life and it was cathartic writing it out pretending it's about Eddie and not a real person, so that's what I did and I thought sharing it could maybe be fun

Warnings: angst, (mutual?) pining, fluff (if you squint), not a happy ending (I'm sorry, if I have to suffer with my feelings than so do all of you)

Also kinda based on a Taylor Swift Song: Foolish One (TV, From the Vaut)

words:~2200

Masterlist

You knew of Eddie while in high school. How couldn’t you? It was a small town where almost everyone knew each other. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t in your class or that you had never spoken a single word to each other, you knew of him because everyone knew of him. Since you didn’t really know him, you never had the highest opinion of him either. All you saw was the trouble making metal head who was terrible at school and sold drugs on the side. Not that you were one to judge, you didn’t know his life and he never seemed to cause anyone else harm. You just knew you never would have clicked and your friend groups never crossed paths anyway. It wasn’t until two years after you graduated high school, attending a college in Indianapolis and working a job on the side to support yourself that you finally officially met Eddie. He had transferred stores from your hometown to the location in Indianapolis. You were an assistant manager at this store and it just so happened to be that Eddie was an assistant manager as well. When you heard the announcement of his transfer, your ears perked up at recognizing the name.

“I know him,” you had said to your work friend. “We went to high school together.”

“Oh nice, is he good at his job?” your friend asked you. “I’m not sure. I mean he didn’t have what I would call the best work ethic in school so I’m surprised he’s a manager now. It’ll be interesting to see how that goes.” You were less than enthused, hoping your job didn’t get harder because someone on the team was a notorious slacker.

However, as it turned out, Eddie was an amazing coworker. You worked a lot with him, and got to know him for the first time. He was smart and funny and an overall good person. He was in Indianapolis building a fanbase for his band and also earning more money so he could go to a bigger city and hopefully make it big. The two of you shared a lot of similar interests and cared a lot about the same things. You both had this drive for justice, Eddie was a big attendee of protests in the name of different causes and organizations, and you were planning to become a lawyer one day to work for an organization that would help immigrants in situations where they couldn’t afford one.

He expressed concern for you when you were overly stressed with school and work and tried his best to help alleviate that stress where he could. You also became friends outside of work as he invited you to a few protests he knew you would feel passionate about, and you had enjoyed some nights out with him and some other managers at your store. And it only took a few months to realize that you had developed feelings for Eddie, but that wasn’t a revelation you were very happy about.

It just so happened to be that Eddie was already dating someone else, and they seemed very happy together being they had been together for about a year already. She had also gone to your high school but while Eddie was only a year younger than you so you had at least known of him, she was a few years younger and you didn’t even recognize her name. Turns out she was living in Cincinnati attending college to be a teacher, and he tried to spend any free time they had to go visit her.

It made you sad, but you tried to brush it off quickly, scoffing at the absurdity of you dating Eddie anyway. He was friendly to you because he was friendly to everyone at work. You guys had become friends, but it was clear he loved his girlfriend, and you would never be one to break a couple up. Besides, you were too busy to date anyway. You had tried a few times since starting college and they never lasted that long.

However, no matter how much you tried, you could not stop the bubbly feelings you got every time the two of you spoke about your shared interests, or when you joked about the mundane parts of your job, or when you felt a sense of calmness, happiness, and acceptance whenever you were around him. And with the way he increasingly spent time with you and seemed to feel so comfortable and happy around you as well, you began to see patterns that maybe indicated he felt the same way for you. Like whenever you caught him staring at you while the two of you worked on paperwork in the office, or when he would blush at a compliment or a daring tease sent his way.

“Oh so you’re like a nerd?” You teased one day at work when he had told you about DnD and all the time he’s spent running campaigns. He gawked at you in fake offense.

“Excuse me? Those are strong words coming from someone who got straight As all through high school.”

“And how do you know that?” you asked, surprised because you assumed he never gave you a second thought in high school.

“Are you kidding? How could I not?” he looked at you like you were the crazy one in this situation and not the other way around.

“What are you talking about? It’s not like I went around bragging about my grades to the whole school.”

“No,” he said with a smirk. “But anyone who paid any attention to you could tell you were smart and cared a lot about school. But it makes sense, you have a lot of dreams you’re working towards. Need to do well in school to achieve those.”

“You paid attention to me?” You asked in a brief moment of curiosity overriding your nerves. Now it seemed to be his turn to get flustered.

“I mean, like I said, it wasn’t hard for most people to notice.” The conversation died down as the two of you went back working, but your mind could not focus on anything but Eddie. You felt stupid for constantly convincing yourself that he might feel the same way you did. You wished you were better at deciphering other people’s feelings and that you had the confidence to confront him about it. Your hopeless romantic feelings were just going to end up hurting you more in the long run and you needed to stop letting yourself dwell on something that would never happen.

You got better at it by focusing more on school and work than before. That was what you needed to do anyway to accomplish your goals. Silly thoughts of whether a boy liked you or not was just a distraction, especially when that boy was already clearly in love with someone else. You thought you had gotten better at pushing down your feelings for him, but you were proven wrong when it was a little over a year after you had been working together and your work best friend realized what was going on.

“You like Eddie!” She exclaimed as you tried to shush her down so nobody else heard as you were taking inventory at work.

“Ok, yes I like Eddie, but you gotta keep it down ok? I don’t want anyone else to know about it.”

“But why?! You two would be perfect together, everyone else should know about it so the two of you can get together! It’s obvious he likes you too!”

“What? Are you crazy? He doesn’t like me, we’re just friends. Besides, he’s been with his girlfriend from back home for over two years now. It’s not going to happen.”

“I heard they aren’t doing well right now,” she said.

“What?” You froze at the news, not having heard that yet. But it wasn’t like he talked about his relationship to you often. Maybe something had happened and you didn’t know about it. “Where did you hear that?”

“Kim said she overheard him talking to Brandon last week about it. They’re both really busy with work and school and his band, they don’t see each other enough anymore. It’s causing problems in their relationship.” You pondered over this information for a bit, not sure how to take it. You hated how it gave you a glimmer of hope, maybe they’ll break up and something could happen between you two. You shook your head at the thought. Eddie was your friend, how could you hope he gets his heart broken by ending his relationship.

“It doesn’t matter, I’m sure they’ll work it out. Besides, I’m too busy to start a relationship either.”

“Okay, whatever you say,” she gave you a knowing look and you sighed as you felt your heart continue to hope for something to possibly work out in your favor.

Months later, when you were spending time with Eddie, you gave into your curiosity and brought up his relationship. You pretended you didn’t already hear about the problem, and just asked how his girlfriend was doing. He confessed that things were rough as they barely had time to see each other anymore. Seeing him so upset about it broke your heart and made you feel guilty for wanting them to break up. It was obvious that the distance was making it difficult for them.

You swallowed your feelings and tried to give him some advice. He seemed grateful for that, but it sounded like the two of them were just too busy to make each other a priority anymore, and it also even seemed like they didn’t want to make each other a priority anymore either. It made you wonder if maybe they would be better off just breaking up. Not for you to swoop in and date him, but maybe they both would be happier apart. It sounded to you like they were just together out of familiarity at this point. They had been together for years now, it was hard for them to picture themselves not together so they just ignored how unhappy both of them were. You didn’t tell him these thoughts though, not trusting yourself to be seeing it from an unbiased perspective. And so they stayed together and you stayed pining after a guy you probably would never get to be with.

Sooner than you expected, graduation came around and you were preparing to move to Chicago in pursuit of your law degree. You were excited for this next big step, but also very sad to have only one summer left in Indiana with the friends you had there, especially Eddie.

Despite your efforts, your feelings for him had only grown more and more over the two years you two worked together. But logic had to win over feelings. How could it even work out for you two even if you did end up together? You weren’t going to stay behind just to stay with Eddie, and you wouldn’t ask Eddie to go with you to Chicago. If by some act of god, the two of you actually got together over the summertime, you would just be split again by years of law school and it would have ruined your friendship for nothing.

Sometimes you wished you were the type of person to do anything for the chance at love, but you weren’t. You had a plan and dating Eddie didn’t work in that plan, so there was no point in even trying. That’s not how your friend saw it though.

“You’re gonna tell him how you feel right? I mean your chances are running out, you have to at least try!” As much as you wanted to agree with her, you just couldn’t.

“No, I already made up my mind, I’m not gonna do that.”

“But you two are meant for each other!”

“Maybe,” you sighed in exasperation. “But let’s say you’re right. Let’s say he leaves his girlfriend of 3 years for me. Then what?! I leave for law school at the end of July, we’d be living almost 4 hours away from each other, and we’d be having the same issues that he’s having with her right now.” She gives you a sympathetic look and it’s enough to cause the tears to start forming in your eyes. You let the last bit of romantic hope in your heart out as you continued to explain “I have to hope that what we have is special enough to come back to. Maybe one day it’ll be the right time and place for us. But that’s not right now. So I can’t ruin what we have by telling him how I feel, I just can’t.”

And with that, it was over. You left for school, kept in touch with your old friends, but distance was hard on any kind of relationship. Of course you couldn’t help but think “what if” with Eddie, but it didn’t matter anymore. The two of you had grown apart and that was that.

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newsies-are-the-new-best-thing · 3 months

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Spot's newsies and the Brooklyn lodging house.

So I have some ideas/thoughts/hc about this, mainly in regards to my fanfic series where Spot is trans

-Both newsboys and newsgirls stay at the lodging house. And yeah, I know this isn't historical accurate but i like to think that the owner of the lodging house was a Brooklyn newsie at one point and pretty much let Spot control it how he wants, as long as they pay.

-So Spot let's any newsie stay there, and since it's a pretty big size there's enough room. He still has the boys and girls sleep in separate rooms but he's pretty relaxed about it.

-he will send Joe after you if he thinks you or someone else could get pregnant. He'll then get Joe to point them to people who will teach them how to be safe and will keep an extra eye on them

-but yeah, since he knows how confusing gender thing can be, he doesn't really bat an eye if one of his "boys" decides to find a bunk in the girls room as long as the girls are fine with it.

-the newsgirls have a leader too, just like Spot has Joe in charge of the boys.

-Matches (I can't remember if that's already a newsie but idc) is the girls leader. She started selling a year after Spot and helped him when he became leader, she's a half year older than him and won't let him forget it but she's a half inch shorter than him and he won't let her forget it.

-Matches has a really smart and has a good sense of humor and cracks jokes nearly as much as Race but they're a bit darker. She also really enjoys fire, lighting fire, spreading fire. So Spot's giving her a fifty fifty chance of becoming either an arsonist or a lawyer.

-in my head I think she looks like uksies Spot. She's the daughter of second generation immigrants. Her family is stretched thin trying to afford for her younger brother's to continue in school. So she's dropped out in hopes to help save enough to go to a university. Her family, grandmother, and a few other relatives moved from the west coast to new york in 1892.

-will boast about having seen both the Atlantic and Pacific oceans.

I have some more ideas somewhere but that's all I can remember right now :)

#newsies #trans spot conlon #brooklyn newsies #newsies headcanons #mine

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qqueenofhades · 11 months

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hello, it's youngin anon once again. i need advice and i have no one to ask, so i figured i could ask you. it's a lot and long, so if you don't want to answer, feel free to ignore.

idk how familiar you are with immigrant child guilt, but it weighs on me immensely. my parents work very hard and i can see the way they struggle. i remember when i was young we didn't even have a bed! me and my siblings slept on cushions. i've seen the insane hours my dad has worked so as to afford me and my siblings a better and more comfortable life. both of my parents have put in a lot of work to give us good opportunities, starting with their immigration to the US.

in nigerian culture, education is extremely important, so as i grew up, my parents have always told me to focus on my education, telling me not to work and it did pay off bc i did end up as valedictorian. college, however is presenting a new set of problems.

my dad, who i am financially dependent on (and who is paying the tuition for the state uni where i'm enrolled) has made it abundantly clear that he thinks med school is the only valid career path. i told him that my roommate was studying comms and he said that she could become a lawyer or something, before looking me dead in the eyes and that wasn't an option for me. with him, it's med school or bust.

as long as i could remember, my parents have been telling me i was going to become a doctor. every time i asked my dad to get me something, he say, i'll do it and in the future, you'll become a doctor, right? and i would agree and that was that. i've answered to all the adults who asked me that i was was going to med school and they would all give me smiles of approval. if i mentioned any other career growing up i'd be ruthlessly shot down or gently persuaded about how much more security there was in medicine.

i was aware in high school that i didn't really want to be a doctor so i sort of set myself up, enrolling under my college's science school so as to cut off my own retreat path. i figured that if i was able to bear it during high school, i could bear it during college. but i can see my own behavior and i know that i don't really like STEM. not that it's a bad field! i just don't have any interest in it. i read the textbooks to learn enough to pass the test and that's it. i don't interact with my classmates or the professors or the material beyond what's needed to get an A. this is in sharp contrast to my history classes which i have been enthralled with. I took a world history class in the first semester enjoyed it immensely. last semester i took a war and violence in africa class and LOVED it. it made me want to become an African historian/Africanist. i talk to my professors, enjoy the readings, the assignments, all the new info i'm getting on the continent where my family originates. i go to my history classes and i want to be there. i want to learn.

i don't know if i could survive academia as a profession because i've seen you posting about the struggles from working in academia and there was a large strike at my school last semester because professors weren't earning enough. if it were a perfect world or if i had lots of money i would love to get my Ph.D focusing on West African history and be a history professor, but it's not, so. i've been thinking about law school as a happy compromise. i could go to law school with a undergrad history degree and if i went to law school i could also pursue JD/MA in History. i'm trying out some law classes next semester to see how i like them.

i'm now scared that if i were to transfer to a different school in my college my scholarship might be reduced. i'm also afraid that i would lose my parents' financial support if i chose to pursue a different career path and i have no actual work experience.

and i understand my parents' very valid concerns! both of them grew up poor in Nigeria and it was their STEM educations that afforded them better lives. they don't want me to experience that level of crushing poverty that heavily defined their youth. my mom tells me about her younger brother in Nigeria who struggles to get work with his masters. my dad tells me about co-workers' children who can't get jobs in their field of profession and have to work whatever jobs come their way. from what i've seen on the news, the future job market looks bad for the young people (around the world!). millennials are having problems and my generation isn't set to do much better.

is it fair to my parents to just disregard that and pursue work in the humanities? i want to do what i want, to just live my life, but it feels like it's not just my life. it would feel so selfish to just risk that all. whenever i talk to my parents about their journey in the US i feel like i should just suck it all up and go to med school. if my parents could suffer all of that, who i am to complain? do my struggles compare?

i feel like my sense of pragmatism and idealism are warring against each other. I don't like STEM, I'm good at it, good enough to get good grades in the classes, but it's not something i enjoy doing, but there's more job security. i love history and the humanities as a whole, but i might struggle with employment.

i'm semi-familiar with the path i would need to take to become a doctor. i would have to make it into med school (high GPA, experience in science research/labs, shadowing healthcare professionals, good recommendations, etc.), survive med school, survive residency (during which residents are worked like dogs), complete fellowships, and then i would be able to practice independently. and that would probably occupy the majority of my time. people have told me that med school is hard even for people that like medicine. for me who is just tolerating it, can i do it? and what about any future patients? is it fair to them?

my mom has always said that i could just get my second degree in whatever i wanted after i became a doctor, but i don't know if i would have the mental strength/energy/free time to go back to school after med school. i feel like if i grit my teeth and bared it for all my twenties i would lose the drive to do it my thirties. it feels like i've been putting off my living my life for my entire life. in middle school i thought about high school, in high school about college, and in college about post-graduate life. i'm tired of this constant look towards the future, but it's the only thing i know how to do. my brain is constantly asking "okay, and then what?"

if i go to med school and realize that i really can't do it, then i'll be trapped. it'll be too much debt to walk away from, too many years of my life dedicated towards that end goal of becoming a doctor. i feel like if i'm going to change my future plans, i should do it before sooner rather than later. 19 isn't too late to walk back but 26 might be.

but it's not like pursuing a career closer to what i want would be easier.

there's always this big fear in the background of, what if i fail? what if i risk it all to go to law school and i don't make it in? or i end up in a low-paying law job saddled with hundreds of thousands in student debt? or even if i make it to biglaw, i still end up burned out from all the hours that they work? wouldn't i still be miserable? i'm not super familiar with how law school works but i've done some lurking around @artielu's blog and law seems like something i should also go into in only if i'm sure.

(i'm not. i'm not sure of anything really.)

it feels like no matter what i'm going to be unhappy in the future. maybe everyone feels this way, maybe a certain level of unhappiness is normal in adult life. it just makes me feel so frustrated because i'm struggling so hard for what? idk. i'm also so desperately scared. i'm scared that one day i'll wake up in the my forties/fifties and realize that i hate my life. maybe i'll look back on this and lament how spoiled/whiny i was. idk. idk.

i'm not looking for an answer to this dilemma, i know this is a decision i'll have to make for myself, but i would appreciate any advice or even words of encouragement. thank you.

Welp. Okay, first of all, I am giving you a big virtual hug and sitting you down at your coffeeshop of choice. So imagine us talking there.

Second, thanks for pouring out your heart to me about this and your various other comments and chats over the years. I only know you as one of my favorite (shh) Tumblr anons on the internet, but I have always seen how thoughtful, smart, and hard-working you are, and I don't take it lightly that you trust me to listen to you and to give you good advice. (Or uh, let's hope, at least not bad advice? Jury's out.) Likewise, I'm absolutely sure that immigrant-child guilt is something to which a lot of my followers can very much relate, and would be happy to talk with you about. So if you are one of said followers and you'd like to encourage anon to reach out to you, please drop a note in the replies! I can't speak to this from personal experience, but I'd love to help connect you to others in your situation. Because yes, it IS absolutely a universal struggle for first- or second-gen immigrant kids: balancing cultural expectations of parents, American opportunities, feeling guilty if you do what you want, etc etc.

Third, and this is just me talking: if you absolutely feel this way, then no, I don't think you should go to medical school. I realize that this is far easier said than done, but if you continue to feel this strongly about it, then... you shouldn't be expected to do it, and that's just something that everyone in your family will have to come to terms with. After all, your parents came to America so you could be raised as an American, and there would be multiple pathways to success -- not whatever just they themselves had to do in order to get here in the first place. I'm afraid that you'll eventually have to bite the bullet and have an honest talk with your parents about this, but it may help if you present this as both your own success and THEIR success. After all, you're smart, talented, you have so many options, and you'll clearly succeed at whatever you choose to do. And that means THEY did their job right: they worked hard, they raised you right, they brought you to a place where there ISN'T just one narrow pathway to having a fulfilling and prestigious career. It doesn't mean they "failed" to make you a doctor. It means they succeeded in making YOU, and opening up so many more things for you to do.

Obviously: that's going to be hard either way, your parents are probably going to be upset, and that's very tough to deal with, especially if you're a close family unit and if you're financially dependent on them. You're the only one who can choose when to have the conversation and what might come of it, but it's still something that you do have the right to do. If you want to research other aid options or scholarship packages, or reach out to financial aid/admissions officers at other schools to see what it might take to transfer (that is, if you need to transfer), that's your right to do. You're an adult now and you have the right to take legal and personal responsibility for your own life. If you know what you want to do and how you want to do it: then again, isn't that why your parents came here? Isn't that what they were working to achieve?

Yes, academia is hard. No, there's no guarantee of getting a job. But there isn't the guarantee of getting a job in medicine either, especially if it's something you're forcing yourself to do and which (as you note) would impact negatively on you, your colleagues, and the patients you would be expected to serve. Especially post-Covid and in the American healthcare system: being a doctor/nurse/healthcare professional SUCKS! Even if you like it and feel called to do it, it still sucks, and the only people earning a lot of money from it are the senior/career/specialist types (as is the case in every field). Of course your parents have expectations and dreams for you, but they also don't get the right to control/dictate your entire adult life just by virtue of deciding to bring you into the world. After all, they did that, and that means embracing you as a person with your own choices. (And this goes for all people with controlling/bossy parents, regardless of immigrant or non-immigrant background). So again: this is what they wanted for you, and you've paid that off already.

I absolutely feel the "I spend all my time thinking/worrying about the future and being scared that I'll end up wasting my life" thing, which I think is common to a lot of high-achieving smart people (we are terminal overthinkers to a one). I can tell you now that life has a way of surprising you, and when you get a little older, you start becoming more comfortable with yourself, your accomplishments, your talents, and knowing what you're good at. So I don't think you will find that you've wasted anything. Likewise, when it comes to studying for advanced degrees in history: do you think it might help with your parents if you agreed to pursue a name-brand school? It's still not guaranteed, but trust me, going to a place like Harvard or Yale makes it tremendously easier to get a job or a future opportunity just by virtue of having that name on your CV and the people you will meet, and I have no doubt that you would be able to get in. As well, I don't really think your parents could argue with you going to an Ivy League, or think that you weren't applying yourself.

Likewise, if there is anything I can do to support you in this, please feel free to message me privately/off anon. I will write a letter of recommendation for you, I will see if I know a person who knows a person, I will help look at application materials, so forth and etc. I mean it: I WILL help you in the real world if I possibly can. I'm sure you have tons of other enthusiastic recommenders, but still. Also, I will say that despite the current (terrible) academic job market, I have seen quite a few openings for professors of African history/African studies/African-American literature and culture, and that's just in the US. There are also lots of opportunities around the world.

Anyway: I hope that's helpful to start with. I am giving you all the hugs. Please reach out to me again (especially via private message) if I can help with this in more tangible ways. And likewise, if any of my followers would like anon to reach out to them: please make a note in the replies. We can do this together.

#anonymous #ask #school stuff #academia: not even once #long post

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avatar-anna · 2 years

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Better Off

Part Four

Series Masterlist

A few weeks later

“Y/n, someone’s here to see you.”

I looked up from where I was helping someone read through a citizenship document when Gordy, our office’s secretary, interrupted us. I raised an eyebrow at him. “My next appointment isn’t until three, Gordy.”

“He…says it’s really important, and when I told him all of your meetings and clients are important, you know, like you’ve told me to say, he said that he didn’t have an appointment, which, I kind of assumed because he’s dressed like someone who could afford a really good lawyer at some big firm. Not that you’re not a good lawyer, but he just screams rich to me, which totally works for him in my opinion. And I think I saw some tattoos, which, can I just say? Totally hot—”

“Gordy?” I asked, cutting his rant short. Gordy was someone I found in a pinch after our last secretary quit. He was nice, did his job (most of the time), and had a penchant for monologues, gossiping, and using glitter stickers when he filed papers for me. However, his hyperverbal tendencies did me a service today. “Did this man have a British accent by chance?”

Gordy’s face lit up. “Yeah! You know him?”

“No, I don’t. Now can you please let me finish my session with my client?”

“Mm, I smell drama,” Gordy said, looking me up and down. “I’ll have to ask you about this later, boss. Your life has been so boring until now.”

Gordy left my tiny office with a flourish, leaving me to talk to my client for the remainder of our appointment. I apologized for the interruption and quickly got back to work.

Summers have always been busy for me. While Maddison was in dance camp, I was in back to back appointments and the occasional court appearance involving deportation issues, naturalization processes, and all sorts of stuff having to do with immigration. This summer was no different, and I didn’t have time for people who didn’t have an appointment with me, even if I technically was seeing that someone.

I didn’t hear from Gordy other than him telling me when my next client was here the rest of the day. At the end of my day, I locked up my office door and stepped into the main area. Our office was small and not well decorated, but we had a good group of lawyers that worked hard to help people in need, and that’s what mattered the most. Turning away from my office door, I nearly jumped out of my skin.

“Jesus, what the hell are you doing here?” I asked, putting a hand to my rapidly beating heart. Harry was sitting in one of the chairs we had in our small waiting area. He was hunched over, so I didn’t recognize him at first, but when he lifted his head up, my back hit the closed door of my office. Harry stood up from his chair, which looked tiny while he sat in it. His face was stony, not one emotion breaking past the wall he had up.

“I have been here all day, waiting for you to come out of that door or for you to call me in,” he said, stepping closer but still keeping a healthy distance between us. “Because for some reason you have ignored my calls, my texts, the emails I’ve sent you. I mean, Jesus, Y/n, you hung up weeks ago and haven’t spoken to me since.”

I nervously played with the straps of my leather work bag. He was right. After the phone call we had, I hadn’t talked to him, not once. It felt like a sign, a harsh dose of reality. We’re not really that serious. Those words pounded against my brain like a drum, keeping me from answering any of his calls or messages. There was a reason I hadn’t had a serious relationship since having Maddison, and I was an idiot to think that this thing with Harry could work because we’d gone on a few good dates. I might have taken the easy way out by ignoring Harry, but I hoped it would make the message clear.

“I’ve been busy,” I said simply, not looking him in the eye.

“I can see that,” Harry said back, and there was a hint of snark in his voice. “But now that you’re free, I’m hoping to steal a moment of your time. Only now I’m starting to think I have to make an appointment to get just a minute of it.”

My head shook immediately. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Maddison is waiting for me and quite frankly, I don’t want to—”

“What, talk to me? You’ve made that abundantly clear, but quite frankly I don’t give a shit.”

Excuse me? “Excuse me? You can’t—”

Harry shook his head in frustration. “Can’t what, Y/n? You haven’t spoken to me in weeks, and I have no idea why. Why, when everything has been so good, did you start ignoring me again?”

It had been easy to keep Harry at arm’s length when he was in England, and after he came back when he was busy with his life and I was busy with mine. But now that he was here, I felt like I was being sucked into him all over again. Looking into his eyes, they were still the same mesmerizing green framed by thick black lashes. His face was still annoyingly beautiful, and the way he was looking at me made me want to tell him everything. But I couldn’t, I wouldn’t.

“Look, this was never a good idea. I think it’s better if we just keep things amicable between us for the sake of Maddison and Devon, but apart from that…it’s probably best we don’t, like, see each other anymore.”

As I spoke, I watched as Harry rolled his eyes, growing more and more frustrated with me. It’s better this way, I told myself. If he was angry with me, he wouldn’t try as hard. I pushed past him, and he let me, but as I reached the door to the office, he spoke again. “That’s bullshit, and we both know it.”

Turning around, he looked as pissed off as ever, but he also looked hurt, and it pained me to see him that way. “Is it? You’re the one who said we weren’t serious.”

“That’s what you’re upset about? You’ve been avoiding me because I said I was going to tell my mum we weren’t serious? I thought that’s what you wanted!” Harry looked at me like I’d grown three heads, which only served to irritate me more than I already was.

“Why on earth would I want your mother to think we weren’t serious?” I said, trying to keep my voice down, even though there was no one here to hear us.

Harry threw his hands up in the air, exasperated. “You didn’t want anyone to know in the first place! I thought it would take the pressure off things if I said that.”

“I didn’t want anyone to know? I thought we agreed on keeping things to ourselves,” I said, my face flushing hot with steadily growing anger. I was nitpicking, but I couldn’t help it. I was a lawyer, and I nitpicked when I was angry.

“God, Y/n. Of course I agreed. I just meant I was respecting your—our decision. So what are you so bent out of shape for?”

I had the most ridiculous urge to stomp my foot on the office’s carpeted floor. Settling for a huff and a shake of my head, I turned around to leave. I could hear Harry’s footsteps follow me out the door, but I kept on moving like he wasn’t there. He placed a hand on my shoulder, but he immediately removed it when my head whipped around and he saw my glare. His expression softened, and I wished he stayed angry. It was easier to be angry with someone when they were angry with you too. “Y/n, I can’t fix something if I don’t know what the problem is.”

Crossing my arms, I let my gaze fall to the side. Harry was in a pair of light wash jeans and a plain white t-shirt. It was pretty tame for his usual collection of colorful cardigans, sweaters, and fancy suits with interesting patterns, but he still looked ridiculously attractive either way. And the way he was looking at me with eyes that cared so much to make things right made me realize all my thoughts about kicking him to the curb were completely bogus. Whether I liked it or not, I was wrapped around his finger.

Sighing, I rubbed my forehead, trying to ward off the oncoming headache I felt in the base of my skull. Mustering up all my professionalism, I tried to talk to Harry without lashing out. “When you said you were going to tell your mom that we weren’t serious…I don’t know, it just felt like it minimized everything we’d done leading up to that point. I mean, just because I don’t call you my boyfriend doesn’t mean I don’t take this seriously.”

Harry ran a tired hand over his face, which was clean shaven once again. “Y/n, I—I didn’t even think about that. I’m sorry.”

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. “I know you didn’t think, that’s why I’m pissed.”

“Unbelievable,” Harry muttered. “You’re a piece of work, you know that? I’m trying to apologize. I’m—”

Harry stopped to laugh, but humorous wouldn’t be the right word to describe it. Curious, I looked up at him. “What?”

“I’m just thinking back to a different parking lot, a different apology,” Harry mused, taking a step forward. “I couldn’t stand you, you know.”

I’m sorry, what? “Um, I thought you were apologizing?”

“Yes, I’m getting to that.” He took another step forward, his hand coming up to cup the back of my neck while his thumb caressed my cheek. “You are…frustratingly stubborn and terrible at communicating your feelings.”

“I still don’t see how this is an apology—” I told him, trying my best to not be offended, but he put a finger to my lips to shut me up.

“And apparently bad at letting people talk without cutting them off,” he said, to which I rolled my eyes. “But,” he continued. “You are deliriously sexy, a great friend, and an even greater mum. I don’t know what I would’ve done these last few months if you hadn’t been there for me and Devon, another reason why I like you so much.

“I’m sorry for telling my mum that we weren’t serious. She’s just the kind of person who likes to nag and nag until she gets to the bottom of something, and I thought that by telling her that, she would get off my back a little bit.” Harry removed his finger off my lips and took my hand in his, kissing my knuckles and sending shivers down my spine. I was ready to forgive him when he said I was a great “mum,” but I let him get everything off his chest, not forgetting how he said I was terrible at letting people talk without interrupting. “She didn’t believe me, of course, knowing that if things weren’t serious, Devon wouldn’t even know your name, and she was right, obviously.

“But what matters to me is that you know that I am serious about us. So serious that I want to take you back to my place and show you just how much I mean it,” he said, a small glint in his eye that made my face flush. Still, I opened my mouth to protest, but he beat me to it. “But I won’t because I know you have to pick up Maddison, so Devon and I would like to formally invite you to have dinner at our house this weekend.”

“You and Devon?” I asked, an amused smile forming on my face.

“He insisted, and what my son wants, he shall have, especially if it’s something I want too.”

“Well, I’ll have to check Maddie’s schedule, but I think we should be free. We can’t have my favorite man in the whole world be disappointed,” I said, pulling Harry closer to me. “And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have ignored you. I should’ve told you what was bothering me.”

Now that he had explained, it all made sense. I felt bad for shutting Harry out over a misunderstanding, but I couldn’t help but be protective of my heart and the life I’d built for myself and for Maddie. But my heart was currently singing a different song, and it very much wanted to be with Harry and his son next weekend, and the next, and the next, and so on.

Harry took my words as a sign to kiss me, the minute his lips met mine making me feel light and airy. The kiss was short as Harry pulled away to grin at me. “You. Are. Forgiven,” he said, emphasizing each word with a kiss. “And thank you, I would’ve been very disappointed if you didn’t come.”

Raising an eyebrow, I kissed his cheek and leaned over so I could playfully whisper in his ear. “Who said I was talking about you?”

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

july

Maddie and I were at Harry and Devon’s house for dinner, and to put it plainly, it was not going well.

It started when I told Maddie to get dressed. She was watching a cartoon in the living room, and when I told her to get up…she didn't.

My daughter was a good kid, and I might be a little biased, but I would go as far as saying she was the best. So to see her blatantly not do something I asked her to do, something as simple as getting ready to go to her friend’s house, came as a bit of a surprise.

I had to ask her three times before she eventually got up, and then it took her nearly a year to change into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, then to get her shoes on. I couldn’t quite believe what I was seeing. For weeks, Maddison had asked me when Devon and Harry were coming home so she could see them again, and now here we were, about to go to their house, and it was like I was taking her to the dentist.

“What is up with you?” I asked her when we finally got in the car to leave.

“Nothing,” she muttered, and even though she was full of shit, I decided to let it go, hoping that actually seeing Devon would change her attitude a little.

Well, it didn’t. Maddie smiled brightly at Devon, but completely ignored Harry as he held open the door for us. It dawned on me then what was going on. Maybe it was naive of me to think that tonight would go well, but when I talked to Maddison that afternoon after her dance class, she didn’t seem bothered by the fact that Harry might be my boyfriend.

When she gave him the cold shoulder, I stepped towards her to tell her exactly what she could do with that new attitude of hers, but Harry stopped me, saying it was fine as he gave me a kiss once Devon and my daughter disappeared into Devon’s room to play.

Then there was the dinner.

I sat on a barstool with a glass of water in my hands while Harry buzzed around the kitchen. I’d offered to help, but he shook his head and sat me down on the barstool, making it clear that everything was on him tonight. We talked and caught each other up on everything we’d missed while we were apart. It was mostly Harry talking about their trip to England, but I didn't mind; I liked seeing him so happy and enthusiastic as he talked about seeing his family again and taking Devon to London.

“He loved it, Y/n,” Harry gushed as he stirred something around in a pan. He was making some sort of chicken dish from what I could tell. I had craned my neck to take a closer look earlier, but Harry pushed my shoulders until I was back in my seat.

“That’s awesome, H,” I said, continuing to watch him through half-lidded eyes. He wasn’t facing me, which meant I was looking at his back as he worked on our dinner, but I didn't really mind. His shirt was thin and the muscles in his back and shoulders very visible as he moved around. Before I got caught drooling, though, I snapped out of my daze and sat a little straighter. “Do you have any pictures?”

Harry looked over his shoulder to give me a look. “Of course I have pictures. What do you take me for?”

He unlocked his phone and handed it over to me before going back over to whatever he was working on on the stove. I was a little surprised that he’d just handed his phone to me and walked away from it, but I was also endeared by his obvious trust.

Scrolling through his camera roll, I saw a number of different pictures from their trip—Devon in some house (presumably his grandmother’s), Devon walking around Harry’s hometown, and a bunch of pictures of Devon all over London. It wasn’t surprising to see that most of the pictures were just of Devon, my phone was more of the same, but I smiled faintly whenever a picture of Harry and Devon popped up. It made me happy to see Harry’s smile so bright; I don't think I’d ever seen him smile like that before.

“Looks like it was the vacation of the century,” I said, putting Harry’s phone face down on the counter.

“It really was,” he admitted as he took a loaf of bread out of the oven. “It was just so nice to just be with my son and not have to…worry about anything, you know?”

I hummed, understanding the feeling but not having quite experienced it myself. As much as I would love to take Maddison somewhere far away for a week or two, I just couldn’t afford it. The best I could do was a trip to Disneyland, and that was always stressful on a good day.

I wanted to ask Harry how the custody battle was coming along, but seeing how he was in such a good mood, I decided not to. While he didn’t talk about it much, there was always a tense set to his mouth whenever the topic of his wife, or lawyers, or custody came up. I was so happy that he was able to go to England with Devon when he did; it had come at the right time and it was what both boys needed. So I pocketed my questions for now, in the hopes that he could stay on his vacation just a little longer.

When I saw that he was just about done with dinner, I stood up and asked if I could help set the table. He tried to protest, but eventually conceded, pointing out where everything was so I could put it all out on the dining table. A few minutes later, the four of us were sitting down and eating together. Maddie seemed to be in a better mood now that she had been able to play with Devon for a little bit, but I didn’t miss the way she was slightly turned away from Harry in her seat.

Shifting my focus, I turned to Devon. “So, kiddo, your dad told me a little about your trip, but I wanna hear it from you. Tell me all about it.”

Devon’s blue eyes lit up and he immediately launched into all sorts of tales of his adventures in England. I listened intently as he talked over a bite of his dinner. It was the most I’d ever heard him speak at one time before, and I noticed a hint of an accent in some of his words the longer he spoke. It would most likely go away in a few days, but it was still cute to hear.

“Dad even took me to the Royal Ballet. It was kind of boring, but we still had fun,” Devon said. Then he turned to Maddie. “You would’ve liked it, though.”

“You forgot the best part,” Harry said before speaking to Maddison as well. “We brought something back for you from the theater.”

Maddie was quiet, almost like she hadn’t heard Harry. Nudging her side a bit, I prompted her. “What do you say, Maddie?”

“Thank you,” she mumbled, her eyes never leaving the plate of food she hardly even touched.

“Maddison—” I started, but Harry cut me off with a slight shake of his head.

“It’s fine, Y/n. Devon, why don’t you go get the gifts we brought back?”

Devon was looking at Maddie curiously, but nodded enthusiastically at his father's suggestion. He took off down the hallway and upstairs to where his and Harry’s rooms were, and then there were three of us.

“So, Maddie, your mum told me you have a recital coming up?” Harry asked, being perfectly patient with my daughter.

“I guess,” she said, her voice as monotone as before.

Harry didn't even bat an eye. “Well, Devon and I were thinking we could come see you perform. What do you think?”

Maddie merely shrugged, and this time I did see Harry deflate a bit. I was ready to take her into a different room and ask who she thought she was because clearly this was not the polite and respectful daughter that I raised, but she was saved by Devon running back into the dining room, his feet sliding a little across the hardwood floors as he reached his seat.

“Here,” he said, a little out of breath. He handed two small parcels to Maddison and then one to me. “We got something for you too, Y/n.”

After the pool party, I told him he didn’t have to say “Miss Y/l/n” anymore. “We’re friends, right? Friends call each other by their first names.” Devon smiled and nodded, happy to have a new friend, and I had been Y/n to him ever since.

Now, I looked over at Harry, but he put his hands up. “Don’t look at me, it was all him,” he said, pointing to his son.

I unwrapped the tissue paper to find a small snow globe with the London Eye inside. Shaking it a little, small pieces of fake snow and confetti swirled around the famous landmark. Looking up at Devon, I saw a nervous look on his face. I gave him a smile and pulled him in for a hug.

“Thank you, Devon. I love it.”

“Really?” he asked, almost in disbelief.

“Really. And I know just where to put it too. It’ll look perfect on the bookshelf in my office,” I told him. His answering grin was wide enough for me to see all his teeth, and I couldn't help but grin back.

Turning to Maddie, I motioned for her to open her gifts. “Go on, Maddie mine, let’s see what you got.”

She frowned a little at the use of my nickname for her, but she opened the gifts anyway. I was hurt by her reaction, because now not only was she acting terribly towards Harry, but she was doing it to me too. Still, not wanting to cause a scene, I stayed quiet and watched as she opened the first parcel.

It was a small tiara, round with little diamonds on it. Devon, who had climbed into my lap to get a better look as Maddie opened her gifts, smiled at her. “We thought you could wear it for your performance.”

I could see a small grin flickering on Maddison’s face, but it quickly winked out. Still, she mumbled a quiet thanks without my prompting, and I figured that was the best I was going to get for tonight. She moved onto the next gift, finding a soft cloth doll dressed as a ballerina. It was a gift from someone who didn't really know how to buy a gift for a seven year old girl, but it was still cute, and there was sentimentality behind it.

“She’s beautiful, Maddie. Don’t you think?” I asked her.

She shrugged, her curly hair hiding her face from me. “I’m not four.”

That's it. “Maddison Nevaeh, stand up right now,” I said, barely hiding my embarrassment and disappointment in her. For a moment, she didn't stand up, and then we were really going to get into it, but after one look from me, thankfully she did. I pointed her in the direction of the hallway, and we both walked to Devon’s playroom.

I shut the door behind me and took a deep breath, trying to reign in my frustration before whirling on my daughter. “What is going on with you tonight?”

“Nothing,” Maddie grumbled, but she wasn’t going anywhere until we figured this out.

“Uh uh, don’t give me that. My daughter doesn’t talk to people like that. Especially their friends.” Both of us stood there staring at each other with our arms crossed, and when she didn’t budge, I kept going.“Do you not like Harry? Is that what the problem is? Answer me, Maddison.”

She still kept quiet, looking everywhere except at me, and I could tell by the slight wobble in her lower lip that she was about to cry. Sighing, I sat down on the rug in Devon’s room, motioning for Maddie to sit with me.

“Siéntate conmigo, Maddison,” I said quietly, patting the spot just in front of me. She stayed where she was for a second but eventually sat down. Leaning forward, I wiped the tear that had fallen down her cheek and kissed her forehead. “Why are you crying, Maddie mine? Talk to me.”

I thought she would ignore me again, but she didn’t, spewing the words out almost like she couldn't contain them anymore. “Do you love him more than me?”

I felt my heart crack as she asked me that question. I knew of course that this conversation wasn’t going to be easy, that her feelings about Harry had changed since the last time she’d seen him, but hearing her say that almost brought tears to my own eyes.

“Of course not,” I told her. When she still didn’t meet my eyes, I took her chin in my hand and gently lifted her face so that we were eye to eye. “You and me? Para siempre. Nada va a cambiar, okay? And besides, I don’t even know if I love him yet.”

“But can’t it be just you and me forever? They wouldn’t even fit in our house.”

If she hadn’t been crying seconds ago, and if she hadn’t been acting out tonight, I would’ve thought Maddison was joking. I would’ve laughed and kissed her cheek and told her to not be so silly. But I knew she was being serious, and while her words alarmed me, my only thought at that moment was to make her feel better. Harry told me the other day that I feared change, and it seemed I had passed that on to my daughter.

“If that’s what you want, then sure,” I said. It hurt to say, but I meant it. I may have liked Harry a lot, but Maddison would always come first, even if it did leave me single forever, or at least until I was too old and it was too late. But I didn’t think she really meant it, her behavior tonight came from a place of fear, and I would do my best to ease her worries. Before I could say anything more, though, there was a knock on the door.

“Hey,” Harry said, poking his head through the small crack in the door. “Can I come in? I thought I could talk to Maddison for a moment.”

A small seed of worry bloomed in my head at the idea of the two of them alone in a room together, but Harry gave me a reassuring look, and I decided to trust him on this. Maddie and I stood up, and I whispered in her ear that she needed to apologize to Harry. I left the room warily, the comforting squeeze Harry gave my hand not enough to curb my nerves.

Walking back to the dining room, I found Devon playing with the snow globe he got me. I felt bad for him too, he was clearly more receptive to the idea of me and Harry dating than my daughter was. It made me wonder how Harry broke the news to him.

“Hey, kiddo,” I said as I sat down at my seat. Looking at Devon now, I saw just how much he looked like Harry, the only thing really setting them apart being their eye color. A light shade of green versus a deep, sapphire blue. “I’m sorry about Maddie. I know it didn’t look like it, but she really liked the gifts you brought back for her.”

“That’s okay,” he said, his eyes still trained on the snow globe. “Dad said she's afraid of change just as much as you are.”

To say that I was stunned was an understatement. Harry might have been right, but I didn't expect him to relay that information to his son. Electing to ignore the revelation for now, I leaned my elbow on the dining table and looked at Devon. “Really? What else does he say about me?”

Devon considered the question for a moment. “Mm, he told me I wasn’t allowed to tell you.”

“I promise he’ll never know. It’ll be our little secret.” I didn't really care if Devon did or didn't tell me, but I figured I could try and get it out of him and lord it over Harry later.

“I just told him that you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen,” Harry said as he entered the dining room with Maddison in tow. “Nice try, though.”

I shrugged and shot Devon a wink and he grinned. Seeing him smile like that made me happy, that despite everything going on in his life, Maddie and I could bring him a little joy. “Worth a shot. Okay, Maddison, you ready to go?”

I wasn’t sure what Harry and Madison talked about, but she was still awfully quiet, which I took as a bad sign. Either way, I thought it was best to leave now and talk about it later before things got worse, if that was even possible.

“Maddie has something to say first, don’t you, Maddie?” Harry asked, giving her a small smile.

Maddison looked down at her shoes for a moment, then turned to Devon. “I’m sorry for being mean. And thank you for the presents, they’re really nice.”

That definitely was not what I was expecting, and I looked at Harry almost in awe. It was his turn to wink, grinning at me as if to say, If you liked that, wait until you hear this.

Then Maddie turned to me. “And I’m sorry for misbehaving.”

I tried not to act too surprised by my daughter’s double apology as I pulled her in for a hug and kissed the top of her head. Looking over Maddie, I saw that Harry was standing next to Devon and still grinning, obviously quite pleased with himself. Now not only did I want to know what he said to Devon about me, but I desperately wanted to know what he said to Maddison.

“Thank you for apologizing,” I told Maddie, tapping the tip of her nose with my knuckle. “Now, shall we go?”

“Can we stay? Harry said I could pick a movie for us to watch,” Maddie asked, her eyes hopeful now that things seemed to be smoothed over.

“Um,” I said, checking my watch. It was getting late, but it was summer, and we didn’t really have anywhere to be the next morning. “I…guess we could stay a little longer, but are you sure that’s what you want?”

“I’m sure,” Maddison nodded, and Devon added his approval for this plan too, repeating the word please over and over again until I agreed.

“Okay, but you have to help us clean the kitchen first.”

Maddie didn’t even hesitate before she began to pick up cups and bring them over to the kitchen sink. Devon wasn’t so quick, giving her the same curious look he did when he watched her set the table at her birthday party. Harry watched a little wide-eyed too, but eventually nudged his son’s shoulder and told him to grab the forks off the plates.

“I should have you round for dinner more often,” Harry mumbled quietly to me as Maddison and Devon scampered off to pick a movie while we washed the dishes.

“You sure about that?” I asked, trying to keep my voice light, but even I could tell it was strained at the end.

Harry set down the towel he was using to dry dishes and brought his hands up to my face. Our kiss was brief, much too short for the kind of night we’d just had, but it was probably better that way seeing as our kids were in the next room.

“It’s okay,” he said gently, reading the apology that was written on my face.

“I don’t know why she was like that tonight,” I sighed. “I mean I do, but when we talked about it a little a few weeks ago, she was fine, and then all of a sudden she’s—”

“Hey, look at me.” Pulling a page from my daughter’s book, I avoided Harry’s eyes for a moment. When I eventually did meet them, I saw nothing but earnestness there. “This isn't your fault, and we handled it, so let's try and have a good night, alright?”

I nodded, my movements a little awkward because Harry still had both hands on either side of my face. “Can I have another kiss, please. I’d prefer a drink, but this is the next best thing.”

Harry laughed a little as he brought his lips to mine, and I found myself wrapping my hands around his neck and bringing him even closer. Before we got too carried away, though, I pulled back.

We went back to washing the dishes, and I tried to get Harry to tell me what he said to Maddison that made her change her mind about him. He wouldn’t say, just kept giving me a smug smirk and saying that it was their little secret.

When we eventually sat down with Maddie and Devon to watch a movie, Harry and I sat farther apart than we would’ve if we’d been alone. Our children sat in between us on the couch, but Harry stretched his arm around the back of the couch so his fingers were just grazing my shoulder and strands of my hair.

Halfway through the movie, Devon had somehow made himself comfortable on my lap. He rested his head, his cheek squishing against my leg as we continued to watch the cartoon he and Maddison picked out. My hand absentmindedly settled itself in his thick mop of hair and scratched his scalp slowly, my fingers gently working through the knots. At some point, Devon’s breaths felt heavier and I realized he’d fallen asleep. I looked over at Harry to let him know, only to find him slouched against the couch with his hand covering his face to hide the fact that he’d also fallen asleep. With one glance to my left, I saw that my own daughter was sleeping as well. I was left alone to watch a cartoon film about child spies.

Sighing, I reached for the remote and turned off the TV. I sat there for a couple of minutes, listening to the different ways Harry, Devon, and Maddison slept. One familiar, two foreign, all three of them special to me.

I realized that if everyone was asleep, it was probably best for Maddie and I to go home. I started with Devon, lifting him into my arms and getting him upstairs to put him in his bed. When I laid him down, tucking him in and nestling one of his stuffed animals into the crook of his arm, Devon’s eyes fluttered open for a moment. “Dad?”

“No, just me,” I said softly, my fingers brushing back his hair from his face. “He’s still downstairs. Do you want me to go get him?”

Devon shook his head. “He’s probably asleep. He likes to go to sleep early.”

“Oh yeah?” I asked him. “And what about you? Do you like to stay up all night or go to bed when your dad tells you to?” Devon’s responding grin was mischievous and told me everything I needed to know. I tickled his sides and his reaction was almost immediate. Devon’s giggles filled up his bedroom as he squirmed and wiggled around on his bed, the same dimples his father had indenting his reddened cheeks.

I let up after a minute, letting Devon settle down back onto his pillow. He took his stuffed animal, a plush purple dog, back into his hands and held it to his chest. “That’s a very cute dog,” I said, touching one of the soft violet ears idly between my fingers.

“Thank you. It was a gift from my Nana.”

I hummed, letting go of the dog. It filled my heart with warmth to hear Devon speak so fondly of his grandmother, and I hoped for his and Harry’s sake that they would get to see her more often. Devon’s eyes started to blink slower and slower, and I remembered it was way past his bedtime. And Harry’s apparently. I patted his arm affectionately. “Okay, kiddo, it’s way past your bedtime. You need to get some sleep if you want to have another great day.”

For the first time in a while, I saw a frown make its way onto Devon’s face. “Tomorrow won’t be great. My mom is picking me up and she doesn’t like me.”

I tried not to show my disappointment and anger at the situation he was in. There were times where I could empathize with Devon’s mother, having been in her shoes, but I would always take Devon’s side, no matter how much his mom was maybe pushed into something she wasn’t ready for. Her situation was unfortunate, but it wasn’t Devon’s fault, and the way his mother acted like it was would never be okay.

“That’s not true, Devon. She loves you,” I said.

He shrugged. “She doesn’t hang out with me like Dad does. Or you.” Devon nestled deeper into his bed and yawned. “I like hanging out with you, Y/n,” he said quietly, then fell asleep.

“Oh, my sweet, sweet boy,” I whispered, tracking my hand through his hair.

I stood up from Devon’s bed and left his room, turning the light off on my way out. When I got downstairs, Harry looked like he’d just woken up, blinking confusedly around the room. I paused at the foot of the stairs. Despite the fact that we had been spending more time together, I’d never been over this late, nor had I seen him like this since the morning following our night together on Halloween, and even then I had bolted before he’d even woken up.

Just the thought of that night still caused heat to rush to my cheeks. There were moments where we’d be in the pool with Maddie and Devon and the sun would hit Harry’s skin in just the right way, or I’d catch him staring as I ran around at the park by my house, or his fingers would trace patterns on my shoulder while we watched our kids play at the beach, and the need to feel him like I had that night was nearly unbearable. It hadn’t mattered to me much before I met Harry because I could see an attractive guy at a bar or on the street and not care one bit because I didn’t need them or anyone but the people that were already in my life. But then Harry kept popping up, and then Devon and Maddie became friends, and Harry suddenly wasn’t some guy I’d had a one night stand with anymore. And now that I knew him, that I’d gotten to know his quirks and what made him laugh and how much he loved his son…I found myself wanting to jump his bones…more than I cared to admit.

But that was neither here nor there, and I often pushed those thoughts away with a mental wave of the hand. We were taking things slow, and taking things slow meant we weren’t having sex yet. Not that there was much time for that, anyway. If Harry was free for a night, I wasn’t, and if I could get Javi to watch Maddison for a few hours, Harry had Devon or his ex had bailed on him that weekend.

“What are you staring at?”

I startled, lost in my own thoughts for a moment. I was tired, that’s why I was thinking like this. I wasn’t sex-crazed, I needed sleep. Shaking my head, I smiled. “Nothing. I, uh, I carried Devon to bed. Hope that’s okay.”

Harry met me at the base of the staircase, his hands resting at my hips. I gasped as Harry pulled me closer and kissed my neck. I wrapped my arms around him and threaded my fingers into the silky strands of hair. “You were admiring me,” he whispered, his lips moving to my collarbone.

“Shut up. No I wasn’t,” I lied, my voice faltering as he sucked on my skin. “We—We can’t do this right now. Harry, you—you have no idea how much I want to, but—”

“I know. I’ve just missed you. Let me—Let us just have a minute. Just one.”

It’s crazy how easily one can come undone when they’ve been alone for so long. Our one minute to ourselves felt like we were two teenagers making out in a school hallway, trying not to get caught by our teachers. Harry’s hands left me dizzy as they trailed up and down the lengths of my body—my waist, my arms, my back, even the tight little coils of my hair. I felt like I was on cloud nine, so when he abruptly detached his lips from where they’d been nipping and sucking on my chest and stepped away from me like he hadn’t just left me completely breathless, I had to lean against the wall for a moment.

“You look so beautiful, all flushed like that.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “Admiring your work, Styles? I knew you were full of yourself, but I didn’t think you were that full of yourself.”

“That was not nice. I was being nice to you, and you were mean to me,” he pouted.

“Aww, poor baby,” I joked. I walked over to where Maddison was still asleep on the couch, kissing Harry on the cheek on the way.

Maddie was still sleeping soundly, her mouth slightly agape and eyelashes fanned out across the tops of her cheekbones. Moving her curls out of the way, I kissed Maddie’s temple. Her breaths were deep and slow as I picked her up and she rested her head on my shoulder. Even though Harry seemed to smooth things over with Maddison, I still worried about the future and where it might take the two of us, but when I held her in my arms like this, no problem felt like it couldn’t be solved.

I walked over to where our things were still on the dining table where we all had dinner tonight. Looking at the snow globe, the tiara, and the doll, I felt touched all of a sudden by Harry and Devon. Both of them had been a big part of our summer—hanging out at each other’s houses, going to the park and the beach together, we’d even made plans to go to Disneyland on the last weekend before Devon and Maddie had to go back to school. Those two boys had slowly but sneakily ingratiated themselves into my life, into Maddison’s life, and how the hell I'd thought I could push either of them away seemed ludicrous now.

Harry made me feel things that no one had ever made me feel before, and Devon was a sweetheart too. I meant it when I told Maddison earlier tonight that if she wanted it to just be the two of us, I would make it happen. She was my world, and her happiness always came first, even if it meant letting go of Harry romantically. I worried it would be harder than I originally imagined, but if I had to do it, I would. I could only hope now that things would only go up from here after tonight.

I heard Harry come into the dining room before I saw him, but I didn’t look up from where I was gazing at Maddie. “We share a bed, you know,” I said softly.

“Yeah?” Harry was closer now, just beside me.

“Mmhm. She even asked me where you and Devon would fit in our house earlier,” I said, smiling now because I could. Before, it was a serious moment, but now I could grin at how my daughter’s mind worked. “Sometimes I think I can’t wait for us to get our own place so we can sleep in different beds and not have to squeeze together onto such a small mattress, but…” I paused to move a stray curl from her face. “But it's all we've known for so long, and I don’t know if I would be able to sleep without her next to me.”

I finally looked over at Harry, but he was looking down at Maddison, like he was picturing her and me on our little bed at home together. I nudged him playfully with my elbow. “What? No jokes about volunteering to take her spot?”

“Extra mean tonight,” he mumbled against my temple as he kissed it, but I could feel the soft smile on his face. He shifted down to whisper in my ear. “But for your information, I did not think that, nor would I say it in front of your daughter.”

“A gentleman through and through.”

Harry walked me to the front door, his hand keeping steady on my lower back as I held Maddison. My arms were starting to burn a little after holding her for so long, but I stopped on his front steps anyway.

He was bathed in a soft glow from the lights inside his house. It was almost too on the nose for someone so wonderful. A small part of me couldn’t believe that I’d hated him at the beginning of Maddison’s school year, but I was stubborn and he’d been a bit of an ass. We were past all of that now, though, and I was thankful for that, no matter how we got to this point.

“You’re doing it again. Admiring me.”

“Maybe.” I shifted Maddison in my arms. “I think my brother might be free to watch Maddison tomorrow night. Do you want to maybe go out?”

I didn’t mention that I knew that Devon was supposed to be with his mom tomorrow on the off chance that Harry had already made plans. Maybe he just wanted a night to himself.

Harry grinned. “Do I maybe want to go out with the incredibly beautiful and funny and caring and beautiful woman I’ve been seeing for a month but have yet to take on a proper date? Yes, yes I think I would.”

“Oh stop,” I said. “But really don’t. I like it when you compliment me.”

He nodded. “Noted. I will think up a list until the next time we see each other. Which will be tomorrow at…”

“Seven thirty? Eight?”

“Nope. Not soon enough. It has to be sooner than that.”

I rolled my eyes. “Alright, um, how about seven?” Harry shook his head, and I sighed. Now my arms were really starting to get tired, and he was not being helpful. “Okay, when then? I’d like to figure this out before my arms fall asleep.”

“How about I pick you up from your office and we’ll go from there?”

I wanted to argue that since it was my idea it was technically my date and that I would’ve liked more time to change into something so I didn’t have to wear my work clothes, but I also desperately wanted to put Maddison in her carseat and I knew Harry wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Fine. That works. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

He nodded again, this time more enthusiastically. “Yes. Now, go. Enjoy a night in bed with your daughter because tomorrow night you’ll be in mine. At least for a couple of hours.”

My mouth opened and closed in shock. So much for keeping the lewd jokes away from my daughter’s ears, though I was pretty sure this declaration was more of a promise. Deciding to just go with it, I nodded, let him kiss my forehead, then got in the car to go home. As I pulled away from his house, Harry was still standing in the doorway, the same light I noticed before haloing the outline of his body.

I felt my heart squeeze. I don’t know how or when it happened. If it was at that pool party at the beginning of summer or before, if it was when he said he was going to tell his mother that we weren’t serious, or when I’d let him sit down and buy me a drink at the bar on Halloween, but I’d grown fond of Harry—his charm, his smile, how much he loved Devon. There was a part of me that screamed at me to run, to take Maddison and leave Harry and all his charming smiles behind to save myself from the potential of all of this falling apart when I was too invested.

But then I thought about Devon and how I wanted to be there for him and Harry as they went through all their issues with his mother and their family, I thought about the little boy in an Iron Man costume who had found a friend in my daughter, I thought about our trip to Disneyland in a couple weeks and how not just Devon and Maddie were excited. For so long I’d kept a thick wall up—me and Maddison on one side, and anyone else that could possibly ruin our small yet perfect world on the other. Now, though, I felt that perhaps Harry and Devon Styles were worth taking a step out from behind the wall I’d hidden Maddison and myself behind.

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