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#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again

widevibratobitch · 24 days

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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee

#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time #and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again #have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind #ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her #that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right #to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel #that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week #and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes #'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like #i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying #a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again #because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it #i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao #oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour #pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA

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gomapda · 2 years

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sidewalks we crossed [side A: you.]

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i started writing this over a year ago and never got around to finishing it; it’s meant to be a three-part thing. so maybe if i post the first part, i’ll be inspired to finish the rest. this wasn’t written to be shared with the public, mostly just for myself (which is why some of it can be cringey), but here we are anyway. hehe. happy birthday lee jihoon! 태어나줘서 고마워!

pairing: lee jihoon/woozi (seventeen) x f!reader

genre: romance, fluff

summary: an accidental like, an off-chance comment, a purposeful message. you were in an unrequited love with your childhood best friend and decided to run away from him and your feelings and years later you find yourself in the same city with the same feelings when he stalks your instagram.

rating: 13+

length: 23k (LOL)

tags: idol!jihoon, childhood friend!reader, unrequited love (but not really), reconnection through instagram, this is just different scenes pieced together (including a ton of flashbacks), reader’s nicknames are all bug-themed, reader has depression and it manifests as suicidal ideation sometimes, this is basically real life (aka seventeen exists and debuted 150526), but the years are a little bit off for the trainee period, jihoon left busan later and trained for shorter for the sake of my story hehe, cursing, pining, mamamoo + ateez are the besties of reader, member x member pairings, jihoon and reader are both dumbasses, reader is extremely book smart but has one brain cell when it comes to romantic feelings, jihoon writes music like he’s been divorced 12x, word genius lee jihoon, idk how doctoral degrees work, i only got my masters and it was a non-thesis track lol, also idk how trainee auditions work either, miss communication is a lady we all know too well, super cute soft shit too tho tbh, no beta we die like men, i spent 5 hours trying to format this for tumblr and i’m still unsure

inspired by “drivers license” by olivia rodrigo and “what kind of future?” by woozi

inspo spotify playlist found here!

side A: you.

“Are you insane?”

If it were months ago, you would’ve winced at the harshness in his tone, but you’ve hardened yourself with resolve, almost saddened that this was the most communication you two have had since, well, you couldn’t recall. “I’ve been contemplating this for a while now.”

“But you didn’t talk to anyone else about it!”

No, you thought bitterly. You just didn’t tell him.

“I’ve already talked to my parents,” you spoke coolly.

He scoffed. “As if they’ve ever actually cared about you and your life.”

You felt anger flare up with a cold dousing of shame. “And what—” You spat. “You do?”

“Wha—of course I do! I’ve always looked out for you! I’m your best friend!”

Bile rose in your throat. “Best friends wouldn’t flake on every single hang out to go off and spend time with their favorite noona—!”

“Don’t you dare pin this on me.”

Your eyes shot up to his.

Cold. Piercing.

So unlike the bright crescents you were used to him having around you. He used to shine in your eyes, never too bright, but in a way that demanded your attention as you basked in his almost ethereal glow.

You were reminded that the moon has phases. And maybe that meant it was time to start anew.

Even if it meant disappearing from sight.

A heavy silence passed over the two of you.

You prepared so many answers to the questions you thought he would bombard you with.

What? You were going to a prestigious international academy several thousand miles away.

When? You were leaving in two months.

How? You got a presidential scholarship.

Why? Because you loved him so much it terrified you.

You had all of these answers.

But it didn’t matter.

Because he didn’t care enough to ask.

The tears couldn’t even form in your eyes. You knew it would be selfish and manipulative if you did. He always felt responsible when you cried.

“You can’t leave,” he said.

“I’m sorry,” you said.

A lie.

“You can’t just fucking leave.”

Leaving him, the unspoken message.

“Y/N, you— ”

“Let me go. Please.”

You heard his breath hitch.

You forced yourself to smile softly at him, wanting to ignore the visceral pain in his tensed jawline, widened eyes, and clenched fist. You knew the irreversible wound you were inflicting. Your resolution almost shattered at the prospect.

Almost.

“I’ll keep in touch.”

Another lie.

“Don’t bother.”

You supposed you deserved the door slam that followed his footsteps, not even allowed to watch his retreating form.

You closed in on yourself, finally letting the tears slip down your cheeks quietly.

He would be fine.

He always was without you.

Always will be.

Only a week later, in the comfort of your childhood bedroom nestled in the midst of Busan, did you receive the news from your neighbor a few streets down.

Jihoon decided to go through with moving to Seoul to become a trainee. I hope you can come by to congratulate him! His father and I would love to have you at the party!

Questions ran through your mind.

How long has he been thinking about this? Did he ever mention wanting to become an idol? When did he even apply to become a trainee? When is he leaving? Is he cut out for trainee life? Is he going to make his own music or be forced by his company to make inauthentic music? Is he going to remember to eat his meals? Will he be okay?

You paused for a moment.

Was this because of you?

You realized it didn’t matter.

You weren’t going to get the answers you wanted.

You didn’t deserve to.

You deleted the message.

―――――――――――――――――

Years later.

“Man, fuck this thesis work.”

“Careful, if they hear you say that, they might pull your funding out from under you.”

Hyejin glared at you, her lashes unceremoniously sticking a little too high up her eyelid. You wondered whether she knew there was no point in wearing makeup everyday when her only company was her pipettes and centrifuge. “God, sometimes I wish I was in your major.”

“You would wanna read about things like depression and emotional incompetence?”

“Why not? I see it all the time in my major. God. I was at a drinking party the other day—” You winced in advance. “And I just want you to be aware that if you were to include STEM majors in your sample, your EQ mean would drop so fast.”

You hummed in acknowledgement. “Alright. Fair. To be honest, though, my research focus is mainly on the public and government’s responses to providing resources for group homes and how to make transitioning a little easier. I’m hoping to garner more attention and funding in order to do more activism. So, technically, I don’t actually measure EQ. Although, I can make guesses based on the public forums that are out there.”

“All I heard is that you’re an absolute saint.”

You laughed. “Maybe to you, unnie.”

“D’you wanna get schwasted tonight?”

“I can’t. I have book club.”

“God, you’re such a fucking nerd. Why am I friends with you again?”

“I distinctly remember you saying it was to, quote, ‘ruin me.’”

“Seven years later and I still haven’t.”

“I dunno about that. I started watching that drama you recommended and my sleep schedule—”

“Isn’t it so good?”

You laughed as she started parroting off lines from the drama and you agreed after much coercion that, yes, the second-lead was indeed a better fit.

Your phone pinged beside you and you stole a quick glance. Your breath hitched as Weverse popped up on your screen. Your pulse slowed down to a normal rate when you realized the notification was from “RM 🌟”.

Maybe you should just delete the app.

You turned your attention back to the girl who was your first college roommate back at Yale, where quick introductions were made, and not a second later, began laughing at the prospect that your RAs probably put you both together for being foreign students from South Korea.

She was much more refined back then, having already spent an entire year on her own as a Yale undergraduate, but your burning flame managed to craft something entirely new; just as she, like a river running its course, smoothed out your rough edges over time.

She led you back home.

Back to South Korea.

Back to him.

―――――――――――――――――

“You said you don’t break promises, Y/N.”

You found yourself grimacing. “Jihoon, that’s not fair—”

“Fair? Y/N, I kicked your ass at darts and now you said you wouldn’t keep your promise.”

“I don’t want my first ever tattoo to be whatever that is!”

“You pinky promised, Y/N.”

Your bottom lip jutted out. “I can’t even tell what it is.”

He stared down at the napkin he drew his artistic rendition on and then looked back at you incredulously. “It’s a firefly. Are you blind?”

You blinked. You could see the wings? Maybe? And those are lines that represent glowing? Not some weird excretion? You held your tongue and asked a more appropriate question. “Why a firefly?”

“I dunno. Seemed fitting. We always go see them together in the summer. They remind me of you. You remind me of them. That’s all, I guess.”

“Aw,” A toothy grin spread across your face. "You think I light up the night?”

“Sure, if you want.”

You could tell that Jihoon was getting embarrassed and wanted to immediately stop talking, but you being you, refused to let it happen. You piped up with your typical know-it-all attitude, “I read somewhere that fireflies represent inspiration and guidance. And hope, I think.”

He looked you straight in the eyes.

Your heart leaped into your throat.

“I guess that’s you, firefly.”

―――――――――――――――――

And here you were, in Seoul, a knowing pang in your chest that constantly reminded you of just how close he was. How your relationship always was. Close in proximity, but always left you wanting something more. Something else.

You blinked up at her, a knowing look in her eyes.

“Y/N—”

“I know,” you blurted out.

“You just look like you’re on the brink of a panic attack every time you see a Twitter or Weverse update.”

“It’s not that bad,” you grumbled.

Hyejin’s features softened.

Your chest tightened. You hated that look.

Pity.

“Actually, unnie. I’ll join you tonight. Screw book club.”

A knowing smirk spread across her lips. “Alright, bumblebee. My EQ is high enough to realize you’re running away from your issues, but it’s low enough that I won’t do anything about it.”

“I’ll add that to my data then.”

She flicked your forehead.

―――――――――――――――――

You groaned as you rubbed the sleep out of your eyes, staring down at Hyejin’s bare legs wrapping themselves around your torso.

God. How much did you even drink?

You untangled yourself from her limbs, quickly checking her skin to make sure she didn’t have a repeat of three years ago when she somehow convinced you to let her get a tattoo of the two paper clips emoji on her inner bicep.

“They represent us, bumblebee.”

“How, unnie?”

“We’re like… leaning on each other.”

“That’s... so beautiful, unnie. Thank you.”

You shook your head fondly at the memory, staring at your own addition of two paper clips on the opposite bicep, sans the alcohol in your system. So, who’s to say which one of you is worse than the other?

You tried to unlock your phone but the brightness did too much damage to your eyes to where Face ID couldn’t recognize your look of disapproval. You quickly swiped the brightness all the way down to read the time.

5:43am

That meant you only slept an hour and a half after getting home.

You peeled off the skin-tight clothing your roommate had so lovingly forced you into and grabbed a loose fitting tee and shorts. You knew you had the weekend to recuperate since you’ve completed your work ahead of your deadline.

You poured yourself a glass of water and emptied it in the span of 10 seconds. You could feel your brain recovering from its shriveled state, as if the water seeped into your skull and was being soaked up. You wondered if Wheein, your ridiculously cute neuroscience major friend down the street, would be able to explain why that is.

You hummed to yourself as you grabbed another glass of water and a reusable metal straw before making your way back to your room, where Hyejin was convinced that your bed had healing properties since she never woke up with a hangover when she slept in your space.

“It’s like you just have this homey superpower.”

“Okay, unnie. Please stop eating your hair when I’m trying to feed you toast.”

You set the glass at your bedside table and decided to go through your phone’s notifications before rousing Hyejin awake.

You scrolled through the notifications, mostly people making sure that you both got home okay, Wooyoung sending you a money charge with the caption: I may have ordered you the taxi, but you’re paying for it. Love you noona xoxo

You scrolled until you saw a lone notification from Instagram (why? you haven’t posted in two weeks?) that nearly made you drop your phone in the same way your heart did.

[04:17] wzljh__ liked your post

Your hands shook as you stared at it.

You took a screenshot.

(Just in case.)

You clicked on the notification that took you straight to the post wzljh__ liked.

It was a random post from three years ago when you studied abroad in Japan during your junior year, where you were praying in front of a temple for, according to your caption, “to be able to change the world… and also get into a PhD program.”

You clicked on the usernames that indicated who liked your post. You couldn’t find the familiar handle anywhere. Secondhand embarrassment rushed through your veins and passed as quickly as it came.

You came to three conclusions at once.

1. Lee Jihoon reactivated his Instagram.

B. He didn’t block you.

III. He stalked your profile.

―――――――――――――――――

“Y/N, I really don’t think—”

“Jihoonie, I need to get more likes on my post. Therefore, I am making you this profile. You don’t even have to go on that often. Okay? You can deactivate it once I go viral enough to have the world at my disposal.”

“That’s never going to happen—”

“Believe in me more, would you?”

“Why should I?”

“Because I believe in you.”

―――――――――――――――――

Jihoon immediately reprimanded you, telling you that you didn’t need to appease anyone as a sixteen-year-old (God, he really was too mature for his own good) but your whining had him yielding once you promised that you’d catch up on One Piece over the weekend and that you would make a bento for him.

He only ever posted once (at your request), but he did like every single one of your posts back then, although, no one would know since those were all archived (for the sake of preserving your current social life by preventing the increase in Hyejin’s arsenal of embarrassing photos of you).

Only months later did you have that falling out and his deactivation quickly followed. You believed he wouldn’t ever reactivate his personal account, especially with his woozi_universefactory account set up for Pledis, which, even then, was hardly posted on.

You clicked on his profile to see the anonymous profile picture still there. You saw his followers list and saw only four names.

That once familiar wave of jealousy that plagued you for over a decade never came when you saw her name. It dissipated a few years back after a night of confessions and mascara stained tears, hushed whispers and muffled sobs tucked away in the corner of a Busan bar in the middle of winter.

You checked his following list and saw several musical artists as well as your own handle.

Wait. Where was hers?

You navigated to her page to make sure you weren’t completely delirious and your brain slowly caught up with your eyes.

He wasn’t following her.

You typed in her username to find her profile. Immediately, her beautiful smile shone brighter on the page than the dimly lit screen could do justice.

You never hated her. She was a confidant and a beloved person in your life. Still is. You were all childhood friends (along with your cousin) with deep ties and connections, although the same could not be said for you and Jihoon currently.

But you hated how it all turned out: she didn’t reciprocate feelings towards Jihoon, but didn’t have the courage to properly reject him either.

Because, who would ever want to let him go?

You did, your mind supplied.

You bit your tongue and wondered if Jihoon found out that she was proposed to by your cousin just over a month ago, the one who she spent her childhood years pining after.

Maybe that’s why he’s not following her anymore.

―――――――――――――――――

“Y/N.”

“Shh, Jihoon. I’m concentrating.”

“On what?”

“My wish!”

You felt a tug at your earlobe and your fourteen-year-old self squeaked out, “Why!”

“What’re you wishing for?”

“I can’t tell you! That’s not how wishes work…”

He let out a gruff noise and sat across from you, his bright red shorts and white shirt were definite contrasts against the dirt surrounding your two small bodies.

“I’ll tell you one of my wishes.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah. If you tell me one of yours.”

“You first.”

“Ladies first.”

“I asked and it’s only polite if you answer.”

He huffed. “You never make any sense.”

“Yes.”

He rolled his eyes before he cast his gaze down in a boyish way that was just so charming, you too had to look away. “I want the courage to be able to confess my feelings before it’s too late.”

You stared at the river and wondered whether it was deep enough to catch all the tears that wanted to spill themselves from out of you, the image of her coming to the forefront of your mind.

“Firefly?”

“Hm?”

“What about you?”

You forced a smile as your eyes met his.

“I want to be friends forever.”

You knew wishes would never come true if you said them out loud.

―――――――――――――――――

“Jesus Christ! How long have you been standing over me like a fucking creep?”

Your trip down memory lane was interrupted by Hyejin’s screeching. You promptly rolled your eyes. “Get up, Princess. I got some water for you.”

“I’m gonna spill it on my face—”

“I brought a straw too.”

“How about a diamond ring? Because if you popped the question, I’d say yes immediately.”

You resisted the urge to smack the smug grin on her face and pushed the water over to her. “You would want a diamond, wouldn’t you?”

“All-naturally mined. No lab made stuff. Spent enough time there myself. Don’t need a ring to remind me of it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind to tell Wheein—”

“Shut up.”

“You’re right. She probably already knows. Being childhood friends and all.”

“Shall I remind you of your unrequited childhood love?”

“‘S not the same,” you responded automatically. She raised an eyebrow. “Haven’t even seen him.”

“What? We rewatched their Melon performance literally two days ago, what the fuck you mean you haven’t seen—”

“I meant in person, unnie.”

She clicked her tongue. “And we went to the SEVENTEEN concert seven months ago. We would’ve gotten the fan sign too if you weren’t being so damn annoying about it.”

Your flustered response was enough to make Hyejin laugh at your expense. “I-I just wasn’t sure whether he would’ve even wanted to see me!”

She paused at your words.

You blinked owlishly at her. “What?”

“You used to say that you knew he didn’t want to see you. Now you’re not sure? What happened while I was passed out?”

You gulped.

She set her glass down quietly, a soft smile that seemed misplaced surrounded by her strained features.

“Bumblebee, take a seat.”

You promptly fell to your knees, feeling like explaining the situation would be akin to confessing your sins.

You only hoped she wouldn’t damn you to hell.

―――――――――――――――――

“Just slide into his DM’s.”

“Hell no.”

“Don’t talk to your unnie like that.”

You scoffed. “I’m not going to slide into his DM’s like some sad bitch who’s been yearning for over a decade.”

“...but isn’t that exactly what you are?”

You were so close to throwing your mimosa across the table. Too bad the American-inspired restaurant you were at only had half-off drinks during the weekday happy hour. You weren’t going to waste your full-priced flute of champagne and orange juice.

“Give me your phone.”

“No.”

“Bumblebee, I promise I won’t message him. Just give me your phone, I want to see his profile again.”

You took your pinky, made an ‘X’ over your heart with it, pressed the tip against your lips, and held it out for her to do the same.

“God, what are you, 5?”

“Pinky promises cannot be broken. If you break them, you break my trust.”

“You know, for someone who’s studied Psychology, you sure believe in a lot of non-evidence-based practices.”

You emphatically made your point by bringing your pinky closer to her. She sighed and hooked hers around yours. “Satisfied, bumbles?”

“Always, unnie. There’s something beautiful about how the biggest of promises are made with the littlest of fingers.”

The corner of her mouth quirked up at that.

She took your phone and turned it to where you could see her every move. She clicked Jihoon’s profile and went to his first and only post, already liked by your sixteen-year-old self.

She looked as though she were scrutinizing the caption. You expected her to try and formulate an idea of him that was separate from his stage persona.

What you didn’t expect was for her to unlike the post and quickly like it again.

“UNNIE!”

“Oh, bumblebee, I think you would have broken the sound barrier with how loud that was.”

You were too busy having a meltdown to realize the whispering voices around you, giving pointed looks of disdain. Hyejin smiled at everyone and bowed slightly in apology. She tossed your phone at you.

“You said you wouldn’t—”

“I didn’t message him, did I?”

Your mouth went dry while your tears welled up.

Hyejin recognized the consequences of her actions immediately. “Whoa, hey. Y/N, it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s fine.”

“You don’t get to decide if it’s fine or not.”

She flinched back at your harsh tone.

You stared blankly at the phone in front of you, the once red heart, drained white, and filled again with color in the span of a microsecond.

Your watery eyes met Hyejin’s concerned gaze.

You bit your lip. “Can you pull out your phone?”

She froze. “Why...?”

“Because I’m going to eat everything off of this brunch menu and you’re paying for it, so you’re going to have to make a transfer from your savings now.”

“...Yeah, okay. Fair.”

―――――――――――――――――

“They’re both cooked dough with butter and syrup.”

You gasped loudly. “Jihoon! Blasphemous!”

He gave you a deadpanned look. “Y/N, you mean to tell me that it’s really that important whether I decide between pancakes or waffles?”

“Waffles are obviously superior! They have little pockets that cradle the syrup, with crisp edges and fluffy insides!”

“There’s literally no one here that’s arguing against you right now.”

“I need you to agree with me!”

“No, you want me to.”

You plopped back down into the booth, shoulders slumped at a lost cause.

“...would it make you happy?”

“What?”

Jihoon cleared his throat. “I asked if it would make you happy. If I agreed that waffles are superior to pancakes.”

You stammered, a blush creeping up your neck at the question. “Uh, no. It was a dumb debate. I was just trying to be annoying. I—”

“It’s okay to let yourself be happy even over the dumb things, firefly.”

You twiddled with your thumbs and bit back the goofiest grin as you heard Jihoon call the waiter over to order your shared waffle platter, asking for, ‘enough syrup to fill each little pocket’.

You never saw Jihoon eat pancakes after that day, always opting for the obviously superior choice.

―――――――――――――――――

The joy of eating butter and carbs and sugar from that day was not enough to sustain you through the week once you realized you had a paper deadline that was sooner than you remembered.

Your eyes ran over the words again, nearly questioning your sanity when it felt like you spent the last thirty minutes trying to reorganize your paper in a way that was cohesive. You spent so much time unlearning the APA 6th edition format to relearn the APA 7th edition, and then moving back to Korea made you throw all of that out the window. Therefore, your mind was a jumbled mess of DOI numbers and misplaced periods.

This paper was due in less than a week and you still found yourself questioning whether the literature review was comprehensive enough to cover all twenty sources you were required to include. Two pages. A list of twenty sources that took up approximately three-fourths of your second page. A singular paragraph of literature review on peer-reviewed articles studying the risk factors of suicide in Korean adolescents before needing to address implications and future research and potential programs that could address these issues.

“Nothing is real,” you muttered to yourself.

You glanced around the library and noticed a scarcity of other human beings. You groaned to yourself as you realized you hadn’t moved from your seat in over eight hours and the library was due to close in ten minutes.

You wanted to stab yourself in the neck when you remembered you still had the Social Welfare 101 class’s papers to grade. You knew that they needed feedback on their writing and you also knew they saw you as a pushover, so the papers are very likely lackluster, especially since the class was filled with people who were trying to get their Humanities credit for their degree in another field.

“Become a doctor, they said. It will be worth it, they said,” your hushed-tone almost mocking.

One of the other TAs from the Educational Psychology department had offered to take some of the grading from you, knowing that you had several large projects due soon, but you quickly brushed off the offer, saying that you could handle it.

A few stray tears slid down your face as you felt overwhelmed by the entirety of the last four years. You graduated early from Yale and dove straight into a doctoral program you could have easily put off by working for a few years.

You removed your glasses and buried your face into your hands, allowing yourself five minutes of reprieve. Just five. Before you needed to pack up and get back to work.

Why are you trying so hard to prove yourself?

―――――――――――――――――

[tw: suicide mention]

“Social work is a useless field, Y/N.”

You grit your teeth. “Eomeonim, I—”

“Did you think I wouldn’t see your interview in the school newsletter? Saying you want to go to Seoul National University and study social work? No daughter of mine is going to go into a field that has no chance of finding a job that makes money. You think that your Abeonim and I will be supporting you for the rest of your life? What will the neighbors say, huh?”

“Eomma—”

“No, you do not get to call me that, you ungrateful child. I did not work as hard as I did to put you through the additional tutoring and classes I have for you to just betray me like this.”

Bile rose up in your throat and you choked back the tears threatening to spill.

“Oh, and there she goes, being dramatic again. You don’t think I feel like crying too? You want to become a social worker? You want to help people? How can you do that when you’re so selfish?”

Your nails dug themselves into the meat of your palms, but not hard enough to cause pain, not when your nervous habit of biting them whittled them down to stubs.

“Get out. Come back when your head is clear.”

You moved, but not too hastily so as to signal her to your anxiety, for you were just a prey and she was the apex predator. You kept your gaze downcast and zipped up your designer brand backpack before looping your arms through the pristinely kept straps. Your family had a reputation throughout the town to keep. And you were the heir to it all.

All of the glamour.

All of the charisma.

All of the pressure.

All of the pride.

All of the distrust.

All of the insecurity.

All of the underlying self-hatred.

You shut the door behind you softly and wrapped your arms around you, letting your feet carry you to the one place you knew you could find solace.

Once you arrived, picking a fallen leaf off of your skirt, you knocked weakly at the window pane.

Jihoon glanced up from his desk and made his way to open it for you. “Hey, firefly.”

You quietly slipped through the frame.

“Bad day?”

“Do you ever, just, think about stopping?”

Jihoon blinked once. “Stopping what?”

“Life, I guess.”

He remained silent and he uncrossed his arms so you knew, at least physically, he was open to listening to you. This wasn’t the first time you brought up this subject to him.

“I could just end it all, Jihoon. I could just have it all be over. My parents wouldn’t have to worry anymore. They wouldn’t have to be so disgusted by the fact that they birthed such an ungrateful and selfish child.”

Jihoon breathed deeply through his nose. You knew how much it stirred up his insides whenever you talked about this, but he would reiterate that your safety was always more important than his comfort.

“I should just do it, right? That’ll prove something to them. That’ll show them that they’re not the perfect people everyone makes them out to be. They drove their daughter to this. Oh, but. They might just use it as an excuse to garner more attention. Woe is the perfect family in Busan, they struggle with loss, just like us. But… I could just end it all now. It could all be over, Jihoon. I have that power.”

“You do, firefly. You could end it all.”

Your head shot up so fast you nearly got whiplash. You were expecting soft!Jihoon, not whatever this was. You spluttered, “I’m sorry, what?”

“You’re the one who said it.”

“Are you saying I should just do it then?”

“No,” Jihoon said evenly. “I’m just saying that you do have that power. But you also have the power not to. You have the power to continue on.”

“But I don’t want to.”

“But you have to.”

“I don’t have to do anything, Jihoon!”

Jihoon clicked his tongue at your raised tone. “Whoa, hey. You’re the one who always says you have to jump through hoops in order to ‘earn’ love. I’m not the one who taught you that bullshit; go talk to your parents about that.”

“But they’re right!”

“No, they’re not.”

“Shut up! You don’t know me!”

“Y/N, I have spent more time with you than those sorry excuses of parental figures ever have!”

“Those are my parents!”

“Yeah, and they’re assholes!”

“You’re the one who doesn’t know! They’re the ones who see me, who know me best. They raised me. They know how disappointing I am. They know how useless I am. They know! They’re the ones who know just how unworthy I am!”

“God! Why do you care so much?! Why are you trying so hard to prove yourself?!”

You sucked in a sharp breath. Your bottom lip trembled as your voice came out, horribly fragile, a complete contrast to your sharp tone from just moments ago. “I… Because it’s me, Jihoon. I’m either too much for people or I’m never enough. So, I have to do everything perfectly to prove that I’m worthy. I have to be better than anyone else. Because I have to make up for the fact that it’s me.”

You were openly sobbing.

“But… you’re not better than anyone else, firefly.”

You tried to muffle your tears enough to hear Jihoon’s voice over your crying. Your eyes met his and you expected to see pity, but instead, his facial expression remained as neutral, a steadfast look in his eyes amidst all of your wavering.

“Firefly, you suck at Super Smash Bros. You’ve never won a game against me. Not even one. In like, ten whole years. Also, you’re really bad at timing when ramyeon noodles are done. You always overcook them. You cry when you see a fat seagull waddling down the shoreline. You can’t eat spicy food to save your life. You use too many emojis when you type. You can’t even jog 100m without wanting to pass out. You get so angry that you blow up at others and shame them for making you angry, but you hate it when people are mad at you. You refuse to share your food when it’s still warm, but force me to finish it when you’re full. You don’t trust others enough to do their part of the work so you never let anyone else help you. You have a nervous habit of saying stupid random facts when a pretty girl talks to you. You once poured milk before the cereal. You’re full of flaws.”

Your lips were pressed in a thin line, but the tears had ceased approximately halfway through his listing of your traits.

“You are not the best. By any means. Mediocre, even.”

“I’m kind of hurt.”

Jihoon snorted. “You don’t know everything, firefly. You’re not always going to be the smartest in the room. You’re not the best that ever existed. You never will be. But you’re never too much. And you’re always enough. And although your parents and nearly every adult in this town could think otherwise, you will meet people, people like noona, like hyung, like me, who will still care about you even when you’re being a shitty little brat like you are now. People who will still care about you even when you’re not number one.”

“…You don’t know that.”

“Neither do you.”

―――――――――――――――――

“Do you ever think about generational trauma?”

Hyejin gave you a sideways glance. “Do we need to pull out the therapy chair and the rosé for this?”

You swatted the offer away. “I’m serious.”

“What d’you mean then, bumblebee?”

“I just think about my parents and the pressure that was probably put on them from their parents and the parents before. But with each generation, no one decided to try and break the cycle. They just kept taking their hurt and putting it onto the next. It’s just… I don’t know. It’s not just my family. It’s prevalent… everywhere. Did you know that South Korea has one of the highest rates of suicide in all of the OECD countries, second only to Lithuania? Common risk factors among adolescents tend to be academic pressure and family issues. So. I know it’s not just me. The numbers don’t lie.”

“Is this related to the paper you were working on earlier?”

You pondered for a moment. “I think researching adolescents and suicidality might’ve triggered some old memories, yeah.”

“Are you…?”

“Okay,” you finished her question. “The thoughts only come when I’m feeling overwhelmed with stuff. And it being our last semester, it’s just… a lot is being demanded of us. Classes, projects, thesis defense. I’m feeling, I dunno, a little helpless.”

“Hmm, I’m remembering some wise words from my undergraduate roommate at Yale~” Hyejin said, in a sing-song voice. “She said that the best way to stop feeling helpless is…?”

You glared.

“The best way to stop feeling helpless iiiiiis…?”

“...to ask for help.”

“Wow, right on the money.”

You decidedly messaged your fellow TA to ask them to help alleviate some of your workload to which they happily agreed.

Which you only gained the courage to ask for after a straight-winning streak in several online matches of Super Smash Ultimate.

You weren’t mediocre.

You just realized he wasn’t either.

―――――――――――――――――

Just a few days later, on a rare weekend where you managed to pull away from schoolwork, you found yourself in the attic of the group home you worked on-and-off at for the past four years, sorting through boxes of tattered toys, gathering the ones necessary to put through the washer. You laid down on the floor, the rickety boards beneath you groaning at your weight. You passively wondered whether a cartoon moment would happen and the group home inhabitants would find a you-shaped hole in their ceiling.

You reached into your own backpack and pulled out your own toy of sorts. You threw it up in the air only to let gravity do the work to bring it back into your hold. You had to be careful to not give yourself a black eye like you did a few years back.

“Whoa, you played baseball?”

You glanced at the tattered ball in your hand, the stitching almost undone, the yarn beginning to peek through. The color was no longer a pristine white, but that only proved its history of handling. “Choi Sannie, what about me says ‘athlete’?”

“Hey,” your younger coworker put his arms up in defense, fully climbing into the attic space now. “I know all of the things we have here at the home, and that is definitely not one of them. So that means that’s yours. Or you stole it—” He gasped loudly in delight. “You stole—!”

“No, dumbass.”

He deflated. He knelt down on the floor next to you, inspecting the baseball without taking it in his hands, careful to not overstep your boundaries. You taught him all about consent; Choi San was a wild child, but he knew respect. “May I see?”

You tossed it casually over to him.

“Is this handwriting? I can barely read it.”

“Even if it was brand new, I promise that handwriting would be illegible to the average person anyways.”

“You’re not average though.”

“Of course not.”

“So, what does it say?”

“Gwangan-dong, Busan, August 2.”

“Was it a gift?”

“Yeah.”

“From who?”

“An old friend.”

“Why keep it?”

You hummed softly.

“For the days that feel like I’ve lost.”

―――――――――――――――――

Lee Jihoon was a boy who demanded attention. And he always had it. But not because he would go parade and peacock around for the sake of trying to earn it. He naturally caught it, with collected looks and smooth words. Everyone in your town knew him: his ability to work hard and even more, his ability to achieve. He never needed to do anything to garner more attention because all of it was already on him. Even at the perfect attention-craving age of thirteen.

Lee Jihoon would never show off.

You had been to every single one of Jihoon’s baseball games, cheering silently when he made a great call, throwing mental expletives when things were going awry. You knew his mannerisms, his tells. Hell, you even knew the code for when the coach beckoned his players to steal a base.

So, you knew when Jihoon was showing off.

You wanted to gag at the sight of him puffing out his chest while he wore his catcher gear. You often believed him to be beyond this world but the reality quickly slapped you back as you wondered why exactly he was being so obnoxious.

Your unnie turned to you, “It’s almost over, yes?”

You wanted to laugh at the fact it seemed like she aged an additional year for every inning. “Yes, unnie.”

“I don’t understand how there’s no timer.”

“It’s done by the number of outs.”

She nodded, but you knew she didn’t actually take it in, since you repeated that fact three times over the course of the past two hours.

“Our Jihoonie’s doing well, right?”

“Yep, as per usual.”

“I really don’t understand baseball, lovebug.”

You pat her shoulder. “It’s alright. I don’t mind telling you. Although, you might want to ask oppa more about it. He knows more than I do. He messaged me and said he’ll be here in about five minutes so he can take us all out for dinner after.”

She froze. You quirked an eyebrow.

You noticed the redness creeping up her neck.

“Oh my God. Unnie! Do you like my cous—?”

Before she could say anything to defend herself, you felt the bleachers around you shift in tandem and you nearly toppled over until she caught you.

Your eyes found Jihoon, who was holding the ball that sealed their fate: they won. He won.

You saw him and his teammates gather together, his mask coming off to reveal his black hair sticking to his forehead and his ever-so-brilliant smile.

Oh no. You were so smitten.

After several moments of trying to push through the crowd, you finally reach a place where you spot Jihoon animatedly speaking to your unnie, who managed to get ahead of you by several paces.

You immediately froze.

Even from this far away, you could see his eyes clearly. Of course, you could. You were so practiced in searching for them, in times of joy, in mourning, in dancing, in sorrow. In those dark irises, swirled something so raw, your breathing became ragged. You saw the way he looked at her. You knew the look in his eyes.

Because you’d caught glimpses of it in yours in passing mirrors whenever you were with him.

How long did it take you to realize?

Suddenly, you wanted to be anywhere but there.

You rushed backwards, much easier to run away than it was to charge forth. You ran and ran and ran until you reached the back of the bleachers where you crumpled down onto your knees, effectively getting grass stains on your poor clothes.

“Mommy! Mommy! There’s someone crying!”

“Baby, no—let’s go over here.”

“She’s an ugly crier, like you!”

You cursed the fact that children were basically sober drunks and said whatever was on their mind. The fateful “u” word that repeated itself obsessively in your mind.

You thought of your unnie.

Your beautiful, elegant, sweet, soft unnie.

Of course Jihoon would prefer her.

He was pulled into her gravity with no room for resistance. His crescent smiles faced her, never to show his dark side, for she was the earth he orbited: captivating and delicate.

Why would he even care to ever look your way?

You were a given; never a prize to be sought. You were unrefined and blundering in your demeanor. You were on the crux of puberty, an awkward and horrendous time that consisted of your skin deteriorating, hormones running rampant, and just. So. Many. Emotions.

Ugly.

“Whoa, whoa, ladybug, is that you?”

You glanced up, not even bothering to wipe away the dribbling mess that was on your face. Your cousin stared in horror at your tears.

“God, you look horrible.”

A broken sob ripped through your chest and your cousin quickly realized he made a mistake. He scooped you up into his arms and held you as you cried, cried, cried.

If jealousy was the ugliest trait, you must have been downright hideous.

Later, you had your face tucked into your cousin’s chest as he apologized to Jihoon and your unnie, who both reached for you, but your cousin, in his typical knight-in-shining armor fashion, brushed them aside and pulled you closer. He convinced them that you received some off-putting remarks from your parents and didn’t want to talk about it (a regular occurrence), so he would take you back to his place to cheer you up with some Disney movies and freshly squeezed lemonade.

Your unnie offered condolences and a swift pat on your head before she called her dad to come pick her up, all of you waiting until she drove off.

Jihoon spent the time waiting listing off a myriad of your needs (“You have to make sure you have the double Kleenex, okay? The other ones leave weird fuzz on her cheeks. And don’t let her wash the dishes when she’s sad because she doesn’t realize how hot the water actually is and ends up rubbing her skin raw. And make sure you use simple syrup for the lemonade and not just sugar, she hates the crystals.”) while he packed his gear away, preparing to walk back on his own, his home not too far away from the baseball field.

You felt your cousin squirm at the prospect of Jihoon having to carry all of his gear after playing a two-hour game and having no food in his stomach. “Wait—Jihoon, I can give you a ride.”

He looked back at him, glanced at you, probably noticing the way your shoulders still trembled, and shook his head firmly.

“Here, firefly.”

Your body reacted before your mind could catch up to realize what it was doing. You saw a small object in the air, falling within your arms reach.

So, you caught it.

Your eyes trailed up to meet his, momentarily forgetting he was the sole cause of your meltdown.

His jaw clenched so hard, you cowered slightly.

“Why are you giving me this?”

You cringed at the sound of your voice, gruff and raspy.

“It’s your win today.”

You blinked rapidly. “Huh?”

Jihoon sighed and you wondered if he just considered you a petulant child.

“Even when you feel like you’ve lost, even when you feel like you have nothing to gain, just the fact that you’re still here, that’s a win. So. Scream. Cry. You can do what you want. It’s your win.”

Your gaze trailed down to the baseball, too large to wrap your fingers around entirely. It was much denser than you thought it would be, the weight foreign in your hands.

You sniffled, the corner of your mouth upturned.

Before you could say anything, Jihoon immediately turned on his heel and walked away.

You looked up and caught your cousin staring at Jihoon’s retreating form with a bemused look.

“Alright, ladybug, let’s get you home. Your parents are probably preparing dinner right now.”

“You promised Disney and lemonade.”

Your cousin sighed dramatically. “I guess I did,” he ruffled your hair to which you let out a prolonged, annoyed groan. “Which movie?”

You pondered for a moment. “Hercules?”

You thought of Jihoon and his reputation throughout your town: attention-grabbing, diligent, admirable, heroic.

But most of all, kind.

“You got good taste, ladybug.”

―――――――――――――――――

“Does today feel like a lost day?”

You resisted the urge to mess with the singular faded green streak running through San’s hair, a test subject from when Hyejin wanted you to dye her hair, but you didn’t want to try it out on yourself nor buy a synthetic wig. A rebellious eighteen-year-old was the best option at the time. “No. It doesn’t.”

“Then why do you have this?” He inquired again.

“Because I can do what I want, San. It’s my win.”

He pulled a face of indignation at your rare (at least to him) display of childishness. Your phone pinged on top of your thigh, alerting you to its presence.

[12:42] wzljh__ liked your post

You bit back a grin, knowing San would question you endlessly if he caught it. So you tucked it away, for a later time, where you could be alone and smile as widely as you wanted to. He was getting more and more bold. Hyejin’s action, you knew, was what spurred him on. You wanted to laugh in disbelief.

Lee Jihoon was a man who demanded attention.

And he always had it.

―――――――――――――――――

“No, no. Noona, you promised.”

“I did no such thing.”

Wooyoung scoffed at your words. He pulled out his phone and his nimble thumbs quickly found what he was looking for, signified by a soft ‘ah-hah!’. “You said you would help me try and secure BTS tickets. You’re the only other person that I know that has the ARMY Membership.”

You glanced at his screen and saw your drunk state and you resisted the urge to keel over at the sight. You heard your slurred words promising the very thing Wooyoung was asking of you now. “I wasn’t sober enough to realize what I was saying. Also, what kind of person films their drunk friend and coerces them into promising to get BTS tickets?”

“I never said I was a good person, noona.”

“Ask San or Seonghwa.”

“They don’t have the ARMY Membership,” Wooyoung repeated, emphasizing the last two words. “I’m out here trying to secure the front section. It’s close enough to the stage where I can see Jimin-hyung’s sweat without the screen.”

You grimaced. “Weird ass fanboy.”

“You cannot deny that he is a beautiful man,” Wooyoung said pointedly. “Although, I assume your type is like 15cm shorter and a muscle bunny.”

“He’s only 11cm shorter, sir.”

“Okay, okay. Keep defending your boyfriend.”

You spluttered, instinctively responding with what you said for most of your middle and high school days to those around you. “He’s not my boyfriend!”

Wooyoung gave you a ‘duh’ look. “No shit. You’ve never even met him because you refuse to get the fan signing tickets because you’re a weak ass coward.”

Well. He was definitely right about one of those things. You often forget that you’ve kept your history with him private from most except Hyejin.

(And Wheein.)

(Because Hyejin told her.)

(Luckily, Wheein is a lot more considerate than her boisterous and loose-lipped counterpart.)

“Wooyoungie, you’re really not making me want to help you here, you know.”

“Noona, please.”

He looked at you with his wide brown eyes and jutted out his bottom lip. The thick black frames on the bridge of his nose gave off the impression of innocence, something you would never again associate with the young man in front of you.

His eyes lit up once he visibly saw your determination crumble.

You bit your lip. “You’re paying for this pizza. And we get pineapples on it.”

“I love you~ You are a goddess I am unworthy of even perceiving~ I worship the the ground you walk on, O sweet and kind deity~”

Your mouth twitched. “A ‘thank you’ would suffice.”

Wooyoung looked at you, a serious look in his eye, took your hand and squeezed it. He gave you a smile that almost melted away your disdain. “Thank you, noona.”

“Men like you give women trust issues.”

“Yeah, probably.”

―――――――――――――――――

“I couldn’t express my feelings because I was too young. I wanted to be your tomorrow, so I lived today. Ever since the first day I saw you until now, in my heart, it’s only you. These typical words, I’m only saying them now. But I hope these typical words will reach you. Thank you, thank you. That’s all I can say. Even all the waiting, all the longing. And all of our memories. Thank you, thank you.”

You half-hoped they would perform this song, half-hoped they wouldn’t. It rendered your heart weak, almost wringing it through with the lyrics and melody, the implication. There was a deep yearning within you that wished these lyrics could have been for you, once upon a time.

You hid yourself with a black face mask and wore a baseball cap. Hyejin told you that you were making yourself look even more conspicuous by wearing such garb, but you couldn’t risk being noticed. You wanted to see him, but in a way that didn’t require vulnerability. Plus, your tears were easier to hide.

Hyejin held your hand, her fingers intertwined with yours, the two of you uncharacteristically calm and still unlike the other CARATs around you, all of whom were cheering and swinging their lightsticks in tandem.

She gave your hand a tight squeeze.

You thought back to what was seemingly a mundane day, going on one of your grocery shopping trips at a Trader Joe’s while still living in New Haven, Connecticut.

The days leading up to your shopping trip, you were a mess of a human being, weighed down by the amount of work you still had left to complete, hardly able to be present in your own life, instead simply watching it go by. Hyejin took over your chores for the week, bought you sweets, stayed up with you even if she finished her own work, made sure to send kind text messages randomly throughout the day, and was all around the best supporter you could have asked for.

You kept apologizing to her for not being able to reciprocate, the only words that your mouth had the energy to form were, “I’m sorry.” And she would, each time, just pat your head with a soft chuckle and say, “You don’t have to keep saying that, you know. You don’t have to say that you’re sorry.”

But you weren’t sure of what you could say instead, so you said nothing at all.

Your grocery trip was made to be more of an adventurous outing that matched the energy that you were able to procure, as cooping yourself indoors only intensified your feelings of stress. However, you were on the mend from the disastrous week, as you finished up your work the day prior to your little trip to the grocery store.

(You couldn’t help but think your ability to even leave your apartment was because of Hyejin.)

After gathering all of the ingredients to cook carbonara (with extra pancetta!) and loading them up in your car, Hyejin offered to return the shopping cart to its designated location.

You saw her from afar and suddenly something overwhelmed you.

You knew what to say instead of: ‘I’m sorry.’

“Bumblebee?”

“Thank you.”

Hyejin gave you a raised eyebrow. “Yeah? Of course.”

“No, I mean...”

You paused. What did you mean?

Did you even have a right to express yourself? That’s all you seemed to do during the week and it was almost embarrassing trying to say something now. Like, this wasn’t the right time and place. The butter was melting in the car.

“Actually, never mind. Don’t worry about it.”

I couldn’t express my feelings because I was too young.

She gave a pointed look and said, “Uh. Alright.”

But something tugged at you. A gentle reminder from a gentle person with a seemingly rough personality.

These typical words, I’m only saying them now. But I hope these typical words will reach you.

If he could do it, so could you.

Before she could get into the passenger seat, you called out again, “Actually!”

She glanced your way, still visibly confused.

You took a deep breath. “Thank you for returning the cart. But, ah, more than that. Thank you for coming to the store with me. Thank you for spending time with me. Thank you for consoling me. Thank you for living with me. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for staying by my side. Thank you for loving me.”

You couldn’t hold back your tears, so you didn’t. Your beloved friend did not fare much better.

She was in a state of what seemed like hysteria, laughing with tears streaming down her face. “What the heck, dude? What’s the matter with you? God, I love you so much.”

She took you into her arms and you both cried in the middle of a Trader Joe’s parking lot.

Your heart was filled with gratitude as the thirteen boys on stage interlocked their fingers in a pinky promise to love their fans. You mirrored the action as you took Hyejin’s pinky and interlocked yours with hers. She glanced at you and you gave a smile from behind your mask, trusting she knows what you mean. Trusting that she hears the promise you are making to her, to yourself.

Promising to always be thankful.

Promising to always love.

But if she could not hear the wordless promise echoing in your chest, you knew you would repeat it aloud to her for as long as she needed. To whoever needed it.

Because although those words may be typical, they were still worth saying.

That is a lesson an old friend taught you.

An old friend whose smile now shone as bright as the stage lights that lingered on his form.

―��―――――――――――――――

Three weeks later, you were up to your neck in deadlines. You were demanded at every possible place you frequented. In the research labs, in the recruitment office, in your collective TAs room, in the group home you volunteered for.

Hypothetically, there should have been no room in your mind for Lee Jihoon.

Too bad you saw him everywhere.

Not just explicitly, like the way his idol group overtook the internet with selfies here and tweets there and ridiculous fan edit videos everywhere.

But rather, in the crevices of Seoul, in the freshly cooked rice found at your favorite family restaurant, ready to serve piping hot meals with heaping portions of a mother’s love, in the off-key melodies sung unapologetically by a circle of children in the middle of the neighborhood park, not caring who’s there to witness, performing for any and all, in the rhythm of the city thrumming beneath your soles and at your fingertips, ready to sweep you off your feet if you gave it the chance.

You saw him everywhere.

That included your notification center.

[15:32] wzljh__ commented on your post—

Your vision blurred.

Was this what cardiac arrest felt like?

A comment? A comment? You were plenty satisfied with the likes on your post, but a comment meant direct interaction, not mindless scrolling and double tapping.

The ringing in your ears was prevalent and you knew for the sake of your body and soul, you needed to shut it all away.

You pushed aside the thoughts, compartmentalized like they taught you during your clinical therapy program, and shoved your phone far into the depths of your unorganized bag.

You breathed in.

You breathed out.

You had work to do.

―――――――――――――――――

“Hey, so, it’s noona’s birthday on Sunday—”

“I know, Jihoon, you haven’t shut up about it for the past two weeks.”

“Okay, okay. Fine. But I’ve spent so long trying to find a gift for her and I still can’t find anything. Can’t you, just like, come with me to the market for the day? I’ve never spent so much time and effort trying to find a damn gift for a birthday before. I’ll buy us dinner and we can stop by that dessert stand with the black sesame soft serve.”

“I told you. I have college prep exams I have to worry about. You want to woo her? You can. Easily. Lee Jihoon, anyone would be lucky to be loved by you.”

He breathed out a long sigh. “...thanks, firefly.”

You gave a stiff nod before walking away, the singular cardstock invitation (since you only made one for him because he teased you endlessly for your homemade invitations in the fifth-grade and you committed yourself to spite him every year from then on) you scrawled a date on in two week’s time weighing heavily in your bag. You bit your bottom lip to try and prevent the tears from slipping.

Guess your birthday wasn’t worth putting time and effort in.

At least, that’s what you thought until you found a small package in your first-year high school locker on that fateful day, in two week’s time.

Inside a poorly wrapped box, you found a card and a keychain of three tiny medals: simply drawn hands interlocking at their pinkies, the infinity symbol, and a crescent moon.

Tears welled up in your eyes as you opened the card envelope slowly, afraid your shaking hands would accidentally tear apart the paper. The card was homemade and purposefully horrendous (he claims; although, knowing his crafting skills, you weren’t so sure) with his haphazard, yet endearing scrawl.

You read the words once. Twice. Three times.

Moved them away from your eyes so the tears wouldn’t fall and smudge them.

“I saw these charms two months ago and immediately thought of you.

You said anyone would be lucky to be loved by me.

Guess you’re a pretty lucky person.

Happy birthday, firefly.

- Jihoonie

P.S. I have a sun on mine, if you end up wanting to switch.”

And so you skipped the first ten minutes of your last class to fold in on yourself in one of the second-floor girls’ bathroom stalls. You muffled your cries against your sleeve because it’s just so utterly him that you couldn’t even think straight.

When he finds you after school, eyes puffed and disheveled, you half-expected him to comfort you, because it was your birthday and, to most people, that warranted special treatment.

Instead he laughed loudly at your tattered self, pinched your reddened nose with a grip you could say bordered on assault, and said, “Come on, let’s go get some cake and ice cream. I’ll pay.”

You glared at him. “You hate cake and ice cream.”

He merely grinned at you. “Not today, I won’t. You really are lucky to have me, aren’t you?”

Even with the way he teased you relentlessly for all seven blocks to the place you frequented when your pockets were lined with allowance, the dessert shop with the fresh cream green tea cake topped with fruit you knew Jihoon was gonna take when you weren’t looking, even with his eyes filled with mischief and cheeks filled with stolen strawberries, you couldn’t help but agree.

―――――――――――――――――

“He’s been pretty bold lately.”

You cocked your head to the side as you pulled your lunchbox out onto the cafeteria table. You spread the items out in an orderly fashion and Hyejin nearly sneered at the display, but you ignored her. “Hrm? What d’you mean?”

“I mean, he’s been liking more and more of your posts. He also commented today. Isn’t that bold? Considering you haven’t spoken in years? What happens if he’s just, I dunno, playing with you?”

You bit the inside of your cheek. “Is it dumb to say that it’s just a gut instinct that everything is okay?”

“Again, what is the point of your higher education? Gut instincts aren’t exactly evidence-based.”

You unwrapped your sandwich and your eye twitched at the sauce that dribbled down. Damn. You could’ve sworn you had the right ratio this time.

You took a bite, your tongue slipping out to catch the excess sauce. You chewed thoughtfully before swallowing. You mindlessly tapped your fingers against the bread before you spoke.

“I dunno how to explain it, unnie. I know all of my observations have been just… through likely scripted scenes and concerts. And I know it’s dumb to think that he’s still the same kid from way back when, but even seeing him interacting with his members… It just seems like he’s happy. Not just the superficial kinda happy, but the everlasting contentment and joy kinda happy. So. I don’t think he’s going to ruin that by trying to dredge up stuff that could ruin it. Or plot revenge. I just... don’t sense any ill intentions. And I never have, even when all that shit happened.”

“Hm… I honestly don’t know the guy, but it does just sound like he made one choice in an unfortunate circumstance. Big decision in the midst of big emotions,” Hyejin murmured.

“So did I,” you said pointedly.

She smirked at that. “Yeah, but you ended up with me, so I’m okay with your choice. But, also maybe, I just trust your judgment a little too much. But, if you consider him as wonderful as you say he is, then. I believe you. Plus, I feel like his lyrics and videos that I’ve seen are proof that he’s not a complete piece of shit.”

“Ah, yes. Thank you for thinking he’s not the scum of the earth.”

“Yes. Just a rung above that. If I ever meet him, I’ll definitely punch him. For your honor.”

“Hah. Thanks, unnie. I’m sure that your stick arms will do a lot of damage.”

“Of course.”

The two of you laughed.

Hyejin hummed. “Do you ever blame him?”

“For what?”

“Leaving before you.”

You raised a brow as you set your sandwich down to bring your attention to your apple slices, peeled in a way to make them look like bunny rabbits. After dunking it into some peanut butter, you decapitated its head with your teeth. “Blame is a funny thing.”

“What d’you mean by that?”

“I mean, think about it, unnie,” you began. “Do I blame him for leaving when I was the one who decided to leave first?”

Hyejin clicked her tongue. “But he left without even saying ‘goodbye’ or even warning you.”

“Mm, yeah. But... I mean, do I blame him for leaving before me when he could blame me for deciding to leave first? Or do I keep going and blame him for making me fall in love with him or could he turn that around and blame me for having feelings in the first place? Do I go further and blame him for defending me from bullies in first grade or does he blame me by trying to become friends by giving him a seashell? Do I blame him for being born or does he blame me for the same thing? Blame is an endless cycle and trying to pin the entire thing on one person or one event is hard. At least, in this instance, you know? There wasn’t a clear cut perpetrator and victim here.”

Hyejin picked at her nails. “You really have a different kinda brain, don’t you, bumblebee?”

You chuckled. “It’s gotten me this far.”

A silence fell over the two of you as you stared at your bunny apple slices, eventually fed up at the odd number of them and choosing to sacrifice one to your stomach for the sake of your peace of mind.

After a few moments, you spoke again.

“I used to be real angry with him.”

“Yeah, you told me you used to be a fiery little thing. Plus, I heard you blow up at that student athlete who was dishing out homophobic slurs near the Student Center. When you’re angry, whew. I wouldn’t ever wanna be caught in the crossfire.”

You snorted. “Yeah, well, he would often be. I don’t think you can grow up with and know a person for, like, sixteen years and not ever be angry with them. Especially when that person is a prepubescent boy who knows all the little things that grinds your gears.”

“God forbid having feelings for men.”

“Women aren’t that much better,” you reminded Hyejin. She paused for a moment before agreeing to your sentiment. You knew too many of the silly arguments her and Wheein have had over the past two decades.

“Honestly, though. I think he’s one of the only people I ever felt safe enough to even be angry around. So, he usually got the brunt of it all. Honestly, he should’ve left me faster. I was a mess to deal with at the time.”

Hyejin pulled a face at your self-pity. You merely offered a small smile and she rolled her eyes. “So, you were still angry at him when we were at Yale?”

You swallowed another apple bunny. “Absolutely. Remember New York?”

“Which time?”

You snorted. “Specifically the one where we went during the Fourth of July. Where I had hook-ups after hook-ups and had to get a pregnancy test and an STD screening. Where we went bar-hopping literally every night because I wanted to drown in my sorrows. The one that you got on that stranger’s shoulders to shoot off an illegal firecracker.”

“The trip where you got so drunk, you screamed at a man that turned out to be a statue.”

“Hey, in my defense, he looked like an asshole.”

“I’m sure many people would agree with you that Christopher Columbus is indeed an asshole.”

You both laughed.

Your voice lowered to barely above a whisper, Hyejin physically needing to lean in to catch your words.

“I… was angry that he made promises he couldn’t keep. I was angry that he decided to walk out of my life without asking to even try. I was angry that he didn’t even care to ask why I was wanting to leave. That he didn’t care enough to want to know what I was doing. I was angry that he dropped me so fast. I was angry that he moved to Seoul as a last ‘screw you’ because he didn’t want to try and talk it out. I was angry that he was angry. But above all, I was angry at myself that it took me so long to let myself even feel the anger because I blamed myself for everything.”

You let out a shaky breath.

“At the time, I had a sixteen-year-old’s anger and heartbreak and a twenty-one-year-old’s body and ID. So, that anger manifested itself into drunken nights of hedonistic debauchery and cursing out loud for the first time ever, right at a statue of a colonizing murderer.”

You thought she would laugh at your phrasing, but instead, she merely took you in. You wanted to shrink back at her scrutinizing gaze.

“Does it still bother you?”

“...No, not really,” you admitted. “I just woke up one day and realized that I missed him so much more than I was angry at him. At me. Eventually the anger just kind of… faded. I mean, he was hurt when I left. And if he felt like I was leaving him, then it makes sense he would try to do the same in some kind of twisted adolescent retribution. I’m not saying that either of us deserved that kind of treatment, but I mean, we were sixteen and dumb. As a former sixteen-year-old, any kind of change felt like the world ending.”

“As a former sixteen-year-old, I would have to agree,” Hyejin nodded. “Do you ever regret it?”

You shoved another sliced apple into the peanut butter. This time, not picking it up. You stared down at it as you tried to formulate your thoughts. You replied softly after some time, “No.”

“Nothing?”

Your mind trailed back to the time you spent chasing your dream of studying abroad, establishing your place in the world without depending every little decision on him, running after dream after dream and fulfilling them through your own power and accord.

And you thought, as beautiful as the experiences were, you wished you could share the stories with him. He was always your best audience member, applauding your every word and exaggerated action. Sometimes laughing and jeering and heckling, but always, always, always attentive.

You chased your dreams. You always have.

All except one.

But it was okay.

Because he gave you so much more in those fleeting years than the world could ever have supplied in millions.

“No, nothing.”

――――――――――――――――― “Do you still love him?”

Hyejin watched you over the years. You grew and healed, evolved from a bumbling adolescent mess, bright-eyed and terrified, into a full-fledged woman who learned that all most had to offer was a quick fix and prolonged heartbreak. Someone who decided to be kind because she knew first-hand that the world was not. A woman who wanted to be a love letter from the universe. Someone so strong, yet so fragile to the workings of the world because you always allowed your heart to be vulnerable.

She never knew anyone who loved for the sake of loving.

Someone whose living was loving.

Not until she met you.

Your lips pressed into a thin line, but it slowly curved at the ends. “I think I always will.”

Hyejin’s heart felt constricted in her chest; she wanted to scream at you to let go and to move on. Tell you that he wasn’t worth any of the heartbreak and pain and self-doubt.

But she knew. She knew looking into your eyes, that you loved him with a love that transcended the flimsy, insecurity-driven kind portrayed in romantic comedies or Korean television dramas.

Because although she saw your eyes rimmed with unbrittled heartbreak, she also saw the gratitude that overflowed from your irises.

Part of her still wanted to berate and chastise you and tell you to just move on.

But she remembered being on the receiving end of that. How her friends reminded her that to be in an unrequited love was never worth it and that there were plenty of fish in the sea and that she needed to move on because it was just sad.

She remembered how empty that left her, wanting to fill the cracks in her heart with her beloved, because that was always what Wheein would be to her, just as Jihoon would be to you. Hyejin had the privilege to call Wheein at any time, to hear her voice lull her fears and anxieties into soft understandings and warmth, warmth, warmth.

Everyone told her to walk away from all of that.

Not you.

You were the first one to sit with her, hold her hand, smile and remind her what she already knew, a resounding truth in the depths of her soul.

And so, she sat down with you on the edge of your bed, grabbed your hand, smiled, and reminded you of one of your favorite quotes: “What a privilege it is to love.”

A tear slipped past as you beamed. “And to be loved in return.”

“Even for a moment.”

“Even if it is not how we want.”

“Because, still, it is love.”

“And it is the one thing we will never be without.”

―――――――――――――――――

“Two more months,” Wheein muttered before quickly downing her soju shot, not waiting for anyone else at the table. “Two months. And we’re done. No more needing to prepare for a thesis defense. No more needing to sit next to a centrifuge for ten hours at a time. No more needing to read bullshit and selfish opinions on public forums. No more needing to sit next to that weird dude who always smells like he has an open wound that’s infected—”

“Wheein, sweetie, that’s too graphic,” Yongsun responded, bringing her choice of a virgin cocktail up to her lips.

Wheein merely took a swig of the beer next to her.

Byul-yi shot her a glare. “That’s mine.”

“She needs it more, unnie, trust me,” you replied on her behalf. Byul-yi gave you a warning glance that wordlessly said you defended Wheein too much, especially as someone who was younger. “To be honest, I think Hyejin-unnie and I need to catch up to where Wheein-unnie is.”

“No, you need to pace yourself carefully especially with soju because you end up drinking too fast and way past your limit before you even realize.”

“Yongsun-unnie, I know we dated when I was a young and unassuming first-year doctoral student who didn’t understand how to handle her alcohol, but that was the past. Let’s move on, shall we?”

“Hyejin told me you threw up just a few weeks ago.”

“Goddamnit, Hyejin-ssi,” you hissed in mock anger.

She snorted, seeing through your ruse. “Wouldn’t have mattered if she heard from me. Byul-unnie was the one who was holding your hair at the bar, so.”

“Is this how I’m repaid by setting you two up together? The constant risk of potentially being exposed by one or the other? The betrayal. When I introduced the two of you, mere weeks after Yongsun and I broke up, and you two were blatantly flirting in front of me–”

“We were not flirting,” they chimed in unison.

The rest of the table rolled their eyes.

Wheein huffed and whined into her arms, voice muffled against the table. “Y/N, you gotta find me someone.”

“You’ll see them if you just open your eyes. I’m sure of it. They’re right there. Just look in front of you, unnie.”

Hyejin pinched your thigh but you were used to her physical torture.

Wheein groaned loudly, sitting up, but still covering her eyes with her hands. Byul-yi nodded in apology to Hyejin who merely bit her lip.

Yongsun dissipated the tension for Hyejin.

By directing it towards you.

“Y/N, I saw that you posted on Instagram yesterday. The same post from the group home you volunteer for. You were asking for the support of the community, right? And just today, I saw there were a ton of comments on their public page.”

A lump lodged itself into your throat and you stared at her, lips parting but not making any sound.

She cocked her head to the side.

Hyejin rubbed your thigh soothingly with her hand. “Bumblebee didn’t realize that they were going to get that many comments on that post. Plus, uh, I think it was shared by that one singer? Bamsu?”

“Bumzu,” you corrected weakly. Jihoon’s partner-in-crime, or rather, music production.

“Yeah, uh. Him. I guess someone who knows the group home page somehow managed to get it circulated to where he saw it, and… yeah.”

Several other research fellows messaged you privately saying how exciting it was to get the attention your project needed. Your group organizer was saying that tens of calls were coming in at a time, asking how to best provide funding or resources.

You resisted the urge to spiral into oblivion because you knew only one (1) person who would be able to do such a thing.

Bumzu had transitioned from performer to writer/producer and usually had a hand in charity work, at least, over the past couple of years, according to a quick run through his Instagram feed. He wasn’t under the scrutinizing eye of Dispatch, at least, not as much as a certain thirteen-member idol group. His interest in this program didn’t warrant sasaeng fans who would try to track down the people who made the post.

It was the perfect cover up.

It’s not as though Bumzu did anything over the top. He simply reposted the group home’s post on his story, only available for 24 hours, but even then, that was enough time to garner attention.

The group home leader called and cried to you saying that God had really blessed you all.

You wondered whether you should tell her that you didn’t think God was 164cm with moonlit eyes that haunted you in your sleep.

―――――――――――――――――

[15:32] wzljh__ commented on your post: “this is some really cool stuff. do u mind if i share this?”

[19:22] You replied to wzljh__’s comment: “👍🏼 go ahead”

―――――――――――――――――

“Noona~”

“Choi Sannie~”

“I don’t appreciate the mockery~”

“Then get your ass to work~”

San snickered before undoing your haphazardly done ponytail and threading his fingers through your badly tangled hair. “You need to calm down. You have a meeting soon and you look like an absolute mess. So, I’ll at least braid your hair for you, mmkay, noona?”

“San, if you want to reduce my stress, I would appreciate it if you could go and run through the program schedule and let me know what doesn’t work—”

He tugged on your hair and you yelped.

“Noona.”

You leaned back in your chair to see him staring down at you. You grimaced at the fact that, even from this angle, his jawline was inhumanely sharp.

“No one is expecting you to run everything. We have group organizers for a reason. You’re just here to volunteer.”

“But I want to help. I’m responsible for getting the word out there. And I want to be able to make a difference for those in group homes—”

“You did. You helped me. Now I’m in a local college. Working as a barista. Volunteering in the same home I met you in.” Before you could cut him off, San continued, “You can take a break, noona. I’ve never seen you this stressed out before. And I’ve seen you literally down an entire six-pack of banana milk after eating two chocolate croissants.”

“They’re called pain au chocolat. They have to be in the shape of crescents to be called croissants.”

“No one gives a flying shit, noona.”

You gaped at him. “San! Who taught you to speak like that?”

“You did.”

You grumbled to yourself before reaching back for your Apple Pencil. San snuck his hand over your shoulder to pluck it out of your hand. “Hey!”

“Jinwoo wants you to sing him to sleep.”

Your heart ached as you stared at the screen in front of you. There was too much work to do and you couldn’t afford—

“Are you really cost-benefiting the effects of whether you sing a child to sleep right now?”

“...”

“God, what a professional. Where’s the noona that would sneak kids out to go catch dragonflies and then eat bungeo-ppang while washing it down with banana milk?”

“Are all of your memories of me associated with banana milk?”

“I remember what I remember, noona.”

“Why don’t you sing to Jinwoo?”

“Because he’s asking for that song that you sing; the one that only you know.”

You froze.

For some reason, Jinwoo, at the ripe age of eight months, established quite clearly what he liked and disliked, with the latter list nearly double the length of the first.

Every song you sang to him had its expiration date before he would take a metaphorical red Sharpie and cross it off of his likes list.

All except one.

You cursed yourself for singing it so long ago, caught up in exhaustion that you just wanted to quell the baby’s cries as soon as possible.

And so you procured a song that was gathering dust from being long ignored in the recesses of your mind.

You locked your iPad, gathered your stuff together to put away in your bag, slung it over your shoulder and made it up the stairway to where you knew Jinwoo would be.

You found him nestled in several blankets on the floor in the room meant for three-to-six year olds, convinced that the ground would be able to keep him steady unlike the volatile day-to-day he was thrown into since birth. Most of the other kids were out at the local school, but Jinwoo had a lower constitution than them, so would often stay at home. The home did its best to ensure that his schedule was tied with the other kids, including the midday nap.

His chocolate eyes looked up at you expectantly, his arms outstretched for you to envelope him in your embrace. You couldn’t help but smile down at him and scooped him up in one fell swoop. He giggled as you spun the two of you around the room.

You swaddled him as best you could, a three-year-old much larger than the eight-month-old you once knew him to be.

His hand pressed itself against your cheek and you nuzzled your face against its warmth.

“Ready to sleep, Jinwoo?”

“Will you sing to me? The forever song?”

“Yes. Of course.”

And so you did.

You sang to him a song of hopes and dreams and the magic of forever and always. Lyrics of never-ending friendship and pinky promises.

―――――――――――――――――

May 26th.

You thought that date would forever ingrain itself as the day that he forcibly came back into your life by taking you and the rest of the world by storm alongside his group, singing of an awkward and clumsy adoration paired with a point choreography that was, well, pointing.

(At the time, you wondered whether she heard the song, the one you were sure it was written about. You never asked.)

But here you were, six years after his debut into the world as an idol, dressed in your regalia of indigo and black, full bell sleeves, velvet paneling, and a weird puffy hat to top it all off, debuting into the world as a Social Welfare PhD grad.

You were a whole ass doctor.

“WE’RE FUCKING DONE, BITCHES.”

“God, Wheein, can you calm down? We gave you that key for emergencies.”

“It’s an emergency that I don’t have a bottle of soju in my hand right now.”

Byul-yi patted Yongsun in hopes of appeasing her anger. “Remember when you finished your MBA and how that felt?”

Yongsun blinked once before pushing herself off of the couch. “Alright, so how many bottles am I pulling out?”

“Wait! Wait! Wait! We need a picture!” Hyejin chastised her childhood friend for taking off after Yongsun. “Bumblebee, come here. Wheein, you too!”

“Whose phone?” Byul-yi asked.

You all chorused your phone, handing her the latest model of iPhone. She wiggled her brows at you. “Looking for a sugar baby, mama?”

“Bold of you to assume that I’m not paying installments on that sleek piece of overpriced metal and glass.”

“Wouldn’t expect anything less from a broke grad. Alright, alright. Okay, ladies. Now let’s get in formation. Wheein, brush your hair out of your face, you look like a mad scientist. Y/N, stop furrowing your brows like you’re reading those mean comments online. Hyejin, stand up straighter, you’re slouching—probably from bending over all the time—”

“Unnie!”

“Over your centrifuge, okay? Chill. Alright. 1, 2… 2 and a half.”

“How old are you? 50?”

“Alright, for that, you just got a burst. Y/N, I hope you find the ugliest gem in that to post.”

You and Wheein laugh at Hyejin who is now putting on her face of Disapproval and you imagine that Byul-yi is just now taking an endless amount of candids. You reach for the phone, a toothy grin still spread across your lips.

“Oop! Damn, this camera is nice. Don’t get too drunk otherwise you might accidentally drop it into my purse.”

You rolled your eyes and grabbed at your phone. You swiped through the camera roll, finding too many of your face, especially when reaching for the camera, thanks to Byul-yi’s trigger happy thumb. However, you looked genuinely happy, so you couldn’t be too mad.

Maybe that’s because you were done slaving over papers and deadlines, you mused.

You showed Wheein and Hyejin the photos as well, refusing to delete the ones where Hyejin is pulling her signature face. You smiled down at your screen before pulling up Instagram to post a photo of all three of you (looking like baddies and not like the unhinged beings you usually are) on your story.

You figured you would post the professional photos you had done by Myungsoo at a later date.

You typed up a caption:

alexa, play congratulations by post malone ft. quavo 🥳🎓 #PHinisheD

You locked your phone and tucked it away, ready to simply celebrate with your beloved group of girls.

That is, until two hours passed, which included a passed out Wheein cuddling into Hyejin on the couch and a drunk Yongsun and tipsy Byul-yi retiring to their own room and you sneaking into their second bedroom. You finally saw several responses to your story, mostly clapping and fire reactions and messages of well-wishes and pride. There was one handle that immediately caught your attention and you couldn’t help but think you were predictable in where your eyes always go.

[22:06] wzljh__ replied to your story: i figured u would be a day6 or eric nam kind of fan

[22:08] wzljh__ replied to your story: sorry that was dumb of me to assume

[22:08] wzljh__ replied to your story: of course u would like post malone considering u could rap the entirety of eminems album

[22:15] wzljh__: sorry that was stupid

[22:15] wzljh__: ignore me

[22:15] wzljh__: congrats y/n

You checked the time stamps to see that the first three messages came in rapid succession. While the last three came less than ten minutes later, without the “replied to your story,” meaning he actively searched for your conversation in his DMs to send a message.

You wondered whether it was okay to respond. He initiated it, so you figured this was consensual on his end. But… would you be okay?

Lee Jihoon was the one you believed would always know how to crack the code to tear down the walls of your heart. The one for whom your heart would invite in, with offerings of warm tea and resounding laughter and requests to make himself at home in your messy, but safe, space. You were always so utterly bare in front of him that it was almost nauseating with how much trust you put into his hands.

Did he deserve that same trust after what transpired between the two of you?

Regret lives in the past. Anxiety lives in the future. But you lived in the present.

Present (tipsy) you said, “cute human messaged must respond”

You opened up the conversation.

[23:16] You: alexa, play congratulations by day6.

[23:16] You: happy anniversary to svt!! 🥳

[23:16] You: hope you’re having fun with the members!!

Immediately, Seen popped up on your screen.

Your breathing hitched as you saw those damned three dots. You really should ask your old Biology tutor why your chest felt as tight as it did. Or maybe Wheein would know the science as to why it felt like your brain was firing a million and one things but was also completely shut down.

[23:16] wzljh__: oh

[23:16] wzljh__: oh wow

[23:17] wzljh__: i didnt think u would know that

[23:17] wzljh__: thanks you

[23:17] wzljh__: thank uou*

[23:17] wzljh__: you* wow im genius

You giggled softly to yourself.

―――――――――――――――――

“You look like an oversized peach, but, like, not a nice one. One that fell off the kitchen counter and now has bruising forming.”

“You’re fucking rude.”

You tutted. “Jihoon, language.”

“One of these days you’re gonna drop the fuck word too.”

“Mmm. Nope.”

He grabbed at your cheek and pinched it softly. You made a dramatic display of faked annoyance. “You will. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll be the first one to hear it, alright? I’m gonna hear the fuck word from the kid that everyone else is foolish enough to believe is entirely wholesome.”

“Um? But I am? So very wholesome?”

He barked out a laugh. “Sure. You got most people convinced, but I know you. You’re too fiery for your own good.”

“Oh, so you have me all figured out, huh?”

“Of course,” he replied in English, his words laced with his thick Korean accent. “I’m genius.”

You giggled before you corrected him. “‘I’m a genius.’”

He grinned. “We both can be.”

―――――――――――――――――

[23:18] You: the other caratdeul are posting it all over twitter so it’s trending, of course i would know that 😤 i’m in touch with the insiders nowadays

[23:19] wzljh__: the other caratdeul

[23:19] wzljh__: ??

You cursed silently. Did alcohol loosen your thumbs too? Is that possible? Would you remember these questions to ask Wheein later?

[23:19] You: uh, i’m also a carat? duh? have you /seen/ jeonghan-oppa’s visuals? 😍

[23:20] wzljh__: unfortunately every day

You laughed out loud at that.

You saw the three dots come. And then disappear.

You couldn’t help the twinge of sadness that hit, but you figured that he had his own celebration to do.

That is, until a video was sent from his end five minutes later.

You swore Lee Jihoon was going to be the cause of your death one of these days.

You clicked on the video.

“Annyeong, Y/N-ah!!”

You balked at Yoon Jeonghan’s face grinning at the camera. What the frick.

“Jihoon told me that you graduated with your PhD today! Congratulations! Hanniehae!!”

Your heart burst at the sight.

God, Jeonghan was so cute. You so desperately wanted to be his friend when you first discovered SEVENTEEN, almost more jealous of Jihoon for being surrounded by twelve other fantastic human beings rather than the other way around.

[23:28] You: omg i’m gonna cry

[23:28] You: !!!! how!!!! is he!!!! so CUTE!!!!!

[23:28] You: this is the best grad gift ever

[23:29] You: my years of indentured servitude to SNU was worth it to just bear witness to that 🥰 i can die happily now; thank you yoon jeonghan for existing

[23:30] wzljh__: um excuse me who else

[23:30] You: and to lee jihoon for the provision and distribution of content: i shall remember your services

[23:30] wzljh__: i now owe ur “jeonghan-oppa” a new lego set just for that

[23:31] You: he’s cute when he goes on vlive and builds it so just think of it as an additional gift to me, ok

[23:31] wzljh__: no.

[23:31] You: 🙄 rude

[23:31] wzljh__: u owe me too now especially since u said i gave the best grad gift ever

[23:31] You: i’m!!!!!

[23:32] You: ok so technically no one else has given me a gift yet so you were just better than nothing 🤧

[23:32] wzljh__: yes thats always my goal. to be better than nothing

[23:33] You: 😂😂😂

[23:33] You: wait!!

[23:33] You: you can’t distract me!!

[23:33] You: gifts are exchanged for the sake of selflessness and glad tidings!!

[23:34] wzljh__: thats not what u said when u guilted me into buying u the cardcaptor sakura cards because u got me plushies of the straw hat crew

[23:34] You: i didn’t GET you them! i MADE them!! my craftsmanship and time are worth much more than the ccs cards!! equivalent exchange!!

[23:34] wzljh__: god u are such a weeb

[23:34] You: if you recognize my reference you’re not so innocent yourself

[23:34] wzljh__: …

[23:34] wzljh__: damn

[23:35] wzljh__: anyway u think ur craftsmanship is worth more than the $50 i dropped on those cards?

[23:35] wzljh__: u wanna tell that to chopper whose head was too big for his body and now looks as though hes in inexplicable pain??

You stared at the screen. What?

[23:35] You: ???? pics or it didn’t happen

[23:36] wzljh__: at the dorm

[23:36] You: !!!!! you still have them with you???

[23:36] wzljh__: yea? ofc lol

[23:37] wzljh__: they may be dopey but mostly dope

[23:37] You: bihhhhh

―――――――――――――――――

“Always remember this, Y/N.”

You swallowed the handful of popcorn you so elegantly stuffed in your mouth just seconds prior. “You always do this, Jihoon. You always wait until my mouth is full—”

“Good people watch anime.”

You narrowed your eyes at him. “Okay?”

“I’m serious. Don’t trust anyone who says that they don’t like anime, alright?”

“What, so, that’s a requirement for whoever I’m going to be involved with in the future?”

“Yes. How can someone be a bad person when they have Monkey D. Luffy to look up to?”

“Fair, but—”

“And if the person can commit to nearly a thousand manga chapters and over eight-hundred episodes, they can commit to you.”

For some reason, his logic overtook your own. You nodded in slow agreement. “I mean. You’re not wrong.”

“Of course not.”

“So, you’re saying I’d have to find my Luffy?”

He eyed you. “I think you’re more of a Nico Robin than a Nami, honestly.”

Your stomach flipped but you brushed aside the implications of his words.

And even years later, your first-date questions always included, ‘If you were a Straw Hat member, who do you think you would be?’

You had yet to find another Zoro.

―――――――――――――――――

[23:38] wzljh__: anyway u still owe me

[23:38] You: BIHHHHHHH

[23:39] wzljh__: ill let u know by the end of the week

[23:39] You: 🥺 do i not get a choice

[23:41] wzljh__: u always have a choice

[23:42] You: hrmmmmmm then… i shall hear you out… maybe… perhaps… mayhaps

[23:42] wzljh__: always been a poet, since that second grade writing contest, havent u

[23:43] You: me? a poet? how about i quote one of the greatest poets of our generation

[23:43] You: ‘let’s have fun’

[23:43] wzljh__: …?

[23:44] You: ‘everyone stand up and clap’

[23:44] wzljh__: ok

[23:44] You: 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[23:45] You: wait

[23:45] You: that’s one too many

[23:45] wzljh__: fake fan

[23:46] You: 😢 i come here and get bullied by a member of my favorite k-pop group

[23:46] wzljh__: favorite

[23:46] wzljh__: ?*

[23:46] You: asjdkksncsls yoinks

[23:47] You: i wish i could unsend messages

[23:47] You: or go back 3 seconds in time

[23:48] You: but what if i jump forward 10 seconds..

[23:49] wzljh__: HA

[23:49] wzljh__: alright u are at least a cubic if u watch gose

[23:50] You: 💖💙 it’s what pulled me thru my thesis

[23:50] wzljh__: lololol

[23:50] wzljh__: alright alright

[23:50] wzljh__: i gotta go soon

[23:50] wzljh__: but

[23:51] wzljh__: congratulations y/n

[23:51] wzljh__: seriously

[23:51] wzljh__: u do some amazing things

[23:52] You: 🥺🥺🥺🥺

[23:52] You: thanks jihoon so do u

[23:52] You: oh wait i just remembered

[23:55] wzljh__: ?

[23:56] You: an amazing thing u did

[23:56] You: thanks for sharing the info abt the group home project!!

[23:58] You: i don’t think i can ever explain how grateful i am!! it went so smoothly because of the response from the surrounding communities

[00:00] You: and you didn’t need to share the information

[00:00] You: but you did

[00:00] You: and i just

[00:00] You: idk i’m really grateful

[00:02] You: anyway!!

[00:02] You: sorry

[00:03] You: oh wait i’m supposed to say thank you

[00:03] You: thank you thank you thank you

[00:03] You: thank you lee jihoon

[00:05] wzljh__: is it bad if i just send a 👍🏼

[00:05] You: you’re gonna ok, boomer me? and my authentic and genuine heartfelt words??

[00:06] wzljh__: 👍🏼

[00:07] You: ...i’m unsubscribing

[00:07] wzljh__: lolool

[00:07] You: 😭😭😭

[00:08] wzljh__: still a crybaby

[00:08] You: more like crylady

[00:09] wzljh__: i suggest u never say that ever again

[00:10] You: yep noted i regretted it as soon as i hit send

[00:10] wzljh__: looooollll

[00:11] wzljh__: ill let u know what i expect for my equivalent exchange

[00:12] wzljh__: i need to consult with my lawyers on what exactly i can get away with

[00:12] You: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[00:12] wzljh__: i can hear that message and i dont get how

[00:13] You: i’m gonna d word 😭

[00:13] wzljh__: not until i get my gift lol anyway ill message u by the end of the week

[00:14] You: ok 😞 fine

[00:14] You: you’ll message me?

[00:14] You: 🤙🏼?

[00:15] wzljh__: lolollllllll thats not a pinky promise emoji

[00:16] You: don’t care!!!

[00:16] wzljh__: lollll still so stubborn

[00:16] wzljh__: okay fine

[00:17] wzljh__: 🤙🏼

[00:18] wzljh__: goodnight y/n sleep well

And so you did.

You dreamt of crescent moons, steady heartbeats, gentle melodies, and open arms.

And falling, falling, falling.

―――――――――――――――――

Five weeks.

Four interviews.

Three community project ideas.

Two job offers.

One major minor meltdown.

Zero Instagram messages.

Not that it particularly mattered when your entire future was splayed out right in front of you.

“So… you either stay in Seoul…” Hyejin began.

“...or I move to New York,” you finished for her.

“...okay, but like, what is even over there?”

“Unnie.”

“I know it’s your favorite city in the world—”

“Strongly so.”

“And they have Broadway—”

“An absolute treat.”

“And you’d be lecturing at Columbia—”

“The first Social Work university in America and most prestigious school in said field.”

“But I’m not there!”

You couldn’t help but laugh at Hyejin’s pout. “Unnie, you and Wheein were already talking about living together next year because you’re both heading over to Jeju!”

“Which is the same time zone as Seoul! AKA, I can call you at any point I want—”

“We both know that’s not true even if we were in the same time zone.”

“...okay, touché. But! Are you really going to move halfway across the world? Again?”

“I enjoyed my time at Yale!”

“Bumblebee, you left Korea because you were running away from something. Someone. Are you sure you’re not leaving Korea for the same reason?”

“...Unnie, I love New York.”

―――――――――――――――――

“Doesn’t this city just reek of anxiety?”

You ignored her and instead took in the hustle and bustle of the streets around you. The neon signs of overpriced bags just begging to be haggled, the misogynistic advertisements of computer-generated women overhead, unassuming hot dog stands and bodegas whose businesses depended entirely on locals, live music found on nearly every street corner, committed to entertain in order to survive.

This city was the physical manifestation of everything right and wrong with humanity.

Bodies close. Minds worlds away.

The perfect place for someone like you.

“So full of life.”

Hyejin looked at you. Her face softened once she caught a glimpse of the glimmer of light she always saw in passing.

She hoped it would return for the long-term.

“Yeah, bumblebee. Full of life.”

She promised herself that she would take you every year from then on.

Your first trip was during the nipping frost of winter, filled with artificial twinkling and overconsumption of goods; the holiday cheer dampened by the cold reality that heartbreak and loneliness were inevitable byproducts of the season.

Your second trip was in the welcoming arms of autumn, decidedly going upstate for one day; the leaves faded into reds and golds, apples ready to be picked to be baked into a sweet pie, accompanied by the warmth of spiced cider and slow healing found in vulnerability wrapped in double crochet blankets and friendship.

Your third trip was during the sweltering heat of the summer, bad decisions and dangerous impulsivity. Late night drives of yells and whoops echoed into the Lincoln Tunnel with the wind rushing through your hair. The invincibility of youth and rekindling of the burning fire you thought was long gone.

Your fourth trip was in the blossoming of springtime, maturation of seeds sown and bountiful harvests. Gentle breezes and flowy dresses. Picnic baskets and overpriced coffees. The unspoken connection of humans collectively sitting in Central Park enjoying the gift of now, thankful to be alive.

As the seasons changed, so did you.

―――――――――――――――――

“But,” Hyejin started, exasperation already apparent in her tone. “Come on, bumblebee.”

Annoyance flared up. “What?”

“You’re thinking about running away again.”

“What are you talking about?”

Hyejin rolled her eyes at you and you could feel the simmering anger building in the pit of your stomach. You tried to quell it down with breathing, but you still felt the flames lick at your insides. “Jihoon just started messaging you again and you’re off here just thinking about fleeing the country. Again.”

“This has nothing to do with him.”

“I think it has everything to do with him.”

“I’m not some lovesick puppy who can’t make her own decisions, unnie. I applied to Columbia because I thought that it would be an amazing opportunity to be an assistant professor. Do you know how many PhD grads get to score a job like that right out of graduation?”

“Oh, yes, we get it, Y/N. You’re always cream of the crop. Top of your class. Always pursuing something bigger and better than what we mere humans can provide.”

Your jaw dropped. “What the hell?”

“You were offered a full-ride to NYU for your PhD, but you declined it because you didn’t want to, and I’m quoting you here, ‘dirty your healing place.’”

“Things change, unnie.”

“No, you’re just fucking scared.”

Rage filled you. “You don’t know me. You think you have me all figured out, but you’re just projecting onto me because you, for one, are constantly running away from your own feelings for Wheein! You wanna know who’s scared? It’s not me. Because I make my choices and I don’t regret them. Can’t say the same for yourself, huh?”

You grabbed your belongings and stomped out of your shared living space, slamming the door behind you, the beating in your chest ringing in your ears with a resounding thump, thump, thump.

Part of you wondered if the reason you snapped was because she was right.

Maybe partially.

But you also knew that you hated being carved and molded into what people perceived you as.

And she perceived you as something you were not.

Your happiness wasn’t reliant on him. You were a wholly and complete person without him. You knew that. You found that Truth long ago. You proved that through the years of work you put in; years that Hyejin witnessed herself.

So, it felt like a backhanded slap when it felt like she saw the girl you were when she first met you. As though you didn’t put in the effort to take the course of your life into your hands and crafted it to be the way that it is now.

You were a whole person.

She never said you weren’t.

You tried to pull out your car keys from your bag but struggled to find them in the midst of your frustration. You growled before giving up, stomping your way down the now dimly lit streets, the sky never quite achieving a pitch black, with the light pollution of the city. Stars were nowhere in sight, but the moon hung low near the horizon.

You found yourself walking (nearly stomping) for almost an hour as different voices argued in your mind. You were several blocks away from your home now.

She overreacted.

She’s just worried about you.

She didn’t have to be.

She probably doesn’t want you to experience the heartache that she’s seen you go through.

She was treating you like a child.

Because she loves you. And love makes you do crazy things sometimes. Like yelling at your best friend. Or flying halfway across the world.

You groaned inwardly.

God! Why did you have to have a conscience?

You said some pretty shitty things to someone who may have not portrayed her care in the best way, but tried to anyway. She gathered the courage to try and challenge you and you blew her off by rubbing salt into her own wound.

She wasn’t right.

But neither were you.

You felt the wash of shame come over you as you twiddled with your bag’s strap, trying to muster up the determination you needed to trudge back down and apologize.

“Oh, thank God, bumblebee.”

You pivoted your entire body at your unnie’s voice, wanting to shrink back at noticing the redness in her skin and puffiness under her eyes, even in the faint light of the street lamps. She looked so frazzled, her flip-flops nearly hanging off her feet from what looked like running around trying to find you. “Unnie, I—”

“I know you said you don’t like apologies, so I’ll say thank you instead. Thank you for your honesty, even if it was really mean. Thank you for listening to me, at least the beginning. Thank you for getting angry because I know that’s really fucking hard for you to do so and I feel weirdly honored but also still spooked by it. Thank you for not driving, especially this late and on a weekend when you’re upset—”

Your heart sank at the memory of Hyejin recounting her story of losing her friend to a drunk driver, something Hyejin felt immensely (and irrationally) responsible for, having been the person to last send her off.

You had forgotten about that.

Here you were, trying to figure out how you were going to apologize, and here she was, worrying about whether you were going to come back to her at all. You bit your lip before you piped up, “I’m sorry for scaring you like that.”

“Yeah, well, I was right. I learned that I never want to be caught in the crossfire. Your anger is terrifying. You’re not a bumblebee; you’re more like an agitated hornet. With a gun.”

“Unnie—”

“I’m not done. I don’t know how to process my emotions like you do so I didn’t really think before I came running after you. I’m still hurt and mad that you said all of that shit—”

“I was wrong,” you interrupted. She went quiet at that. “I don’t know everything. I hardly know anything. But what I do know is that I was wrong. I said some things that I knew were going to hurt you because that’s what I wanted to do. I was wrong. But... so were you, unnie.”

She remained silent, so you continued.

“I’m not that same, young, dumb teen that you met at Yale. I’m not the brat who was still trying to figure out how to be her own person without being an off-brand version of all of her friends from Busan. I’m… I’m not weak, unnie.”

“I… I never said you were.”

You wondered when you started crying. “Yeah, well. It felt like you didn’t believe in me. That you didn’t trust me. You are the only person in my life who saw all of the changes I went through and you still said I was running away. So, it just made me think that all of my growth was… I don’t know. Fake.”

“What? No. Oh, bumblebee. Never.”

“I’m… I’m my own person. Who can make her own decisions. I don’t need anyone else to complete me. So, there’s no one and nothing that I’m trying to run away from. I’m just trying to figure out where I want to go. Is that so bad?”

“...No. Not at all,” Hyejin answered softly. She slowly stepped towards you and tentatively wrapped her arms around your torso. You leaned in and breathed in her scent, muffling your sniffling against her shoulder. “You were right that I confused the woman you are now with the girl you were then. But I’ve never ever seen you as weak. Or incomplete. Not then, not now.”

“Then why?” You sobbed. “Why do you think my life revolves around him? Anyone else can think I’m some love-struck dumbass, but why you?”

“Oh, bumblebee, I fucked up when I said I thought it had everything to do with him. I definitely… projected. Like you said. As much as I hate to admit it. But... I also want you to know that I don’t see you as some sad girl who’s been pining after some crusty dude. I see a woman who has gone around the world, fallen in love with it and its people, and still knows exactly with whom she feels safest. And I don’t want you to deny yourself of that.”

“I’m not denying myself anything. He doesn’t love me, unnie. So, I have to be the one to do it. Because he won’t. And that’s okay. I’ve learned to love myself and isn’t that good enough?”

Hyejin squeezed you tighter in her embrace. “Call me crazy, but… I think there’s something there. Call it a spark. Call it a string of fate. Call it a grown love. But… ah. I’m not good with words like you, bumblebee. You are good enough. Just as you are. Wonderful, even. I… I’m not saying he’s a missing piece of you or anything like that. But. Agh. Like. He is bread. And you are butter. You’re both complete by nature and can exist without each other, but you’re just… better together,” she tried to hold her tongue, but you knew her resolve was weak, so you braced yourself. “Butter together.”

“...unnie, you really are bad with words.”

You yelped when she grabbed at you to pinch your thigh.

She promptly turned the two of you around back to your apartment, her arm looped around yours. You easily walked past your building, though, caught up in smoothing out the harsh lines said during your earlier conversation. She admitted her fears regarding pursuing her own unrequited love and you confessed you often chased things that were of grandeur rather than that of simplicity. And you both touched on exactly the roots of your insecurities: hers in her fear of being unwanted and yours in the idea that you were incomplete without him.

The two of you found yourselves swinging at a neighborhood park that probably closed several hours ago, but it was a safe space for the two of you, to air out the tension, to have the beginnings of healing and mending, although most of it being left to time and future efforts of rebuilding trust.

Together.

―――――――――――――――――

[19:21] wzljh__: this might be a dumb question but did ur kkt account change

[19:21] wzljh__: i tried messaging u and it said delivered but

[19:21] wzljh__: nvm u dont have to reply sorry

[19:42] You: omg

[19:42] You: jihoon i made a new account bc my username was @narutofanfreak123 and i couldn’t bear to tell people that was my username but i didn’t know how to change it LOLLL

[19:43] You: so i made a new account once i came back to korea!!

[20:01] wzljh__: i

[20:01] wzljh__: i shouldve asked

[20:02] wzljh__: i thought u werent replying because u were busy with job searching since u were posting about it on ur story

[20:02] wzljh__: or maybe u didnt want to talk to me 😣

You rubbed your eyes in disbelief.

Jihoon used an emoji?

[20:05] You: oh no lol i already got offers

[20:05] You: still deciding between two of them

[20:17] wzljh__: before u tell me whats ur username on kkt?

[20:18] You: oh yeah!

[20:18] You: oh

[20:18] You: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[20:18] wzljh__: ???

[20:19] You: haha

[20:19] You: ok so

[20:19] You: uh

[20:19] wzljh__: are u ok???

[20:20] You: yeah! haha

[20:20] You: welp

[20:20] You: it’s @madamefirefly

[20:20] You: heh

Lee Jihoon (@wzljh__) added you on KakaoTalk! You accepted Lee Jihoon’s request!

[20:23] Lee Jihoon: nice username

[20:23] You: thanks it was inspired by someone who used to bully me as their pastime

[20:25] Lee Jihoon: sounds like u were a masochist

[20:25] You: 🙄🙄🙄

[20:25] You: nice username

[20:25] You: sounds like it was randomly generated off of a sketchy site on naver that just so happened to have your initials

[20:26] Lee Jihoon: that ‘sketchy site’ somehow managed to predict the initials of my english stage name

[20:27] You: that was easily!!!! within your control to manipulate, woozi-ssi!! it should technically be uji!!

[20:27] Lee Jihoon: no that site knew my future and spoke to me

[20:28] Lee Jihoon: speaking of futures

[20:28] Lee Jihoon: whats coming up on the y/n agenda

[20:29] You: oop sorry hyejin-unnie is back home and i promised we would get dinner together so i might not respond until later

[20:30] You: but i’m deciding between staying here in seoul to continue the work i’ve been doing and being an assistant professor at columbia university in new york city!!

[20:30] You: although i’m def leaning more towards one than the other

[20:30] You: ack she’s yelling at me to hurry sorry i’ll ttyl!!

[Read at 20:30]

―――――――――――――――――

Your phone rang.

You saw the FaceTime ID and never slid the bar faster than you did in that moment.

“Unnie! I—oh God, is that a wedding dress—oh my, oh no, the tears—”

One of the most beautiful laughters of your childhood rang out as she flipped the camera back to her face, stained from salty tears already passed. “Oh, lovebug—” Your lips split into a wide grin at the childhood nickname. “I think this is the one. I needed to show you. What do you think?”

“Hold on, I’m crying so hard that I can’t see—”

337.1km away, your future family member (although, one could argue she always had been) burst into a renewal of joyful tears, so exuberantly over-the-moon to share this moment with you, and you sharing the same exact sentiment to be able to bask in the joy of a promised love.

“Unnie,” you said emphatically. “You are… so beautiful. So stunning. So radiant. So dazzling. My goodness me. You are… just so splendent.”

She hiccuped. “Lovebug, no one uses that word anymore.”

“I had to go back to words of old to explain myself because language oft fails me when I see you.”

“Stop. God, you and Jihoon both with your ability to speak. How do words even come out of you two like that?”

You made a noise.

You don’t think she caught it.

“Y/N, you are sunshine personified, so to hear you say that makes me feel like I’m being blessed by Amaterasu herself.”

“I wouldn’t want to go lock myself in a cave.”

“Then don’t, lovebug,” she said dismissively. “Plus, you can’t. The bachelor and bachelorette party is gonna be in Seoul and you promised you would be there.”

“Yes, yes. To help me get blackmail on everyone else in case they try to turn on you later. You’re using me, you know?”

“You’re a useful person.”

You clicked your tongue. “So I’ve been told.”

A comfortable silence passed between the two of you before she broke it, a slight hesitation in her tone.

“So… turns out that Jihoon’s gonna be at oppa’s bachelor party. Oppa asked him to perform and he said no because of his schedule, but he said he would be at the wedding. And the bachelor party.”

You quirked an eyebrow at that. He was willingly going to the party and the wedding of the man who stole the love of his life away from him? “Really?”

“Yeah…”

“Huh. Weird.”

“I’m sorry, but he’s coming to the wedding. I know you don’t want to see him, but—”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“Uh, you literally went across the world to avoid him—”

“Why does everyone think that? No, don’t worry about me, unnie. It’s fine.”

You didn’t look directly at the screen but you could feel her stare boring into the side of your face through it. She thought you were lying. But you weren’t. It wasn’t about you.

“Lovebug—”

“He texted me.”

Your words stunned her into silence.

That is, until she went rapid-fire.

“Oh my God. What? How? When? Did you reply? Was it an emergency? Did you have a conversation? Was it a casual conversation? How long? Oh, thank goodness—”

“Whoa, whoa, chill out, unnie. Wait. Why do you look happier now than you did when you were showing me your wedding dress? Wait. Aren’t you at a boutique right now? Don’t you have your mom waiting or something—?”

“Shush, I’m asking the questions around here.”

And so, you answer them. You told your future family, your confidant, your safe space. You told her of the accidental like, the off-chance comment, the purposeful messages, and everything caught in between.

337.1km away and you felt right at home.

―――――――――――――――――

“Y/N?”

You knew that voice anywhere.

Of course she was here, of course she was. This was one of your collective dreams, two girls fantasizing about inebriated situations and uninhibited fun by means of burning liquids in a local Busan bar. A dream of spending a night here, sharing a story for every shot.

You learned a year prior that you would really only be able to tell two stories before wanting to quit.

“Oh… hey, unnie.”

“You’re… you’re back.”

You forced out a laugh. “Yeah, I, uh. Graduated.”

“From Yale.”

“Uh… yeah. From Yale.”

“Can… I sit here?”

You glanced up at her before gesturing to the seat in front of you, the corner booth really far too large for your person. You could almost see the thoughts that raced in her mind before she gave a small nod and sunk down into the cushion.

“So, how have you—”

“I heard you—”

“Oh, no, you go—”

“Oh, sorry, I just—”

You both locked eyes.

And promptly burst into a fit of laughter.

“God, what is this?” You managed to get out, holding your stomach.

She was no better, in her signature hiccuping stage. “I just—!”

“We have the communication skills of five-year-olds.”

She wiped away a stray tear. “We’ve become a drama.”

“I call being the second-male lead.”

“Wait, that’s not fair. We all know that the second-male lead is objectively better.”

“That’s exactly why, unnie,” you winked.

She scoffed. “Alright, I’ll give it to you this time, lovebug.”

You saw her freeze, as if she didn’t expect herself to call you by that nickname. She looked like a deer caught in headlights and you quickly gave her a wave of your hand. “You spent more years calling me that than you did my actual name. Let’s not break the trend now, yeah?”

She visibly relaxed and you couldn’t help but smile fondly.

A lull passed over you, but you felt much more comfortable with this silence than the strained one prior. You closed your eyes and simply took in the moment, gratitude filling your lungs.

“I’m sorry.”

Your eyes fluttered open. “What?”

“I’m sorry,” she repeated. “I’m sorry that you had to leave because of me—”

Oh.

That was heart wrenching to hear.

The apology signified a wound, an old one.

A self-inflicted one.

Oh no.

“Unnie,” you began slowly, reaching for her hands. You could see the tears brimming. “Do you… do you blame yourself for my decision? Has guilt been eating at you all of these years?”

“I just… you left. Jihoon left. If I had just said something, then—”

“Unnie.”

She bit her lip at your definitive tone.

“Nothing, nothing, about this was your fault. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t mine and it wasn’t his either. We all struggled to ‘just say something’. Unnie, we were young and dumb. We still are young and dumb,” you squeezed her hands for emphasis. “If you say you’re sorry, then okay. I forgive you. But I just want you to know that past me never blamed you. Never.”

She let out a choked sob and you found yourself crossing to the other side of the table, enveloping her in your arms, tucking her head under your chin. She buried her face into your chest and you just rubbed her back soothingly. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for never reaching out. I’m sorry I never cleared the air. I’m sorry I was so scared.”

“We needed time and space apart, unnie. To figure ourselves out. And I did. I really did. And I wouldn’t have been able to do that if I kept tying my self-worth into Korea, into Busan, into you, into him. But that doesn’t mean I cut you off in order to do it. I don’t think I ever could,” you squeezed tighter. “Thank you for saying that you’re sorry, but there really is no need, not to me.”

And so she cried into your arms, emptying herself of tears. Later, you filled that space with your stories of adventure, your kind words, and your love. And she did the same for you.

In that moment, Busan never seemed so much more like home.

―――――――――――――――――

“So, New York, huh?”

You glanced up at your boss, the social worker in charge of running the different programs tied to the university, the same one who got you involved with the group home, the same one who offered you a full-time position after graduation in training new recruits, specializing in the Child and Family division, but also providing self-care guidance to the rest of the staff since your specialty in school was around Behavioral and Mental Health.

The pay was good, seeing as it was run by professionals partnered with SKY: Seoul National University, Korea University, and Yonsei University. What most Koreans would consider to be the ‘Ivy League’ of South Korea. Although, being a community leader was definitely a far-cry from a prestigious position as an assistant professor.

“Ah. Yeah, New York.”

“Nice place.”

“It’s… yeah. It’s nice.”

“Is the air better there than here?”

“No fine dust, but there’s a lot of smog.”

She pulled a displeased face. “Is that better?”

“Depends on who you ask.”

There was a pregnant pause between the two of you. You wanted to reduce into a puddle and slip through the vents, dreading this conversation.

“You should go.”

Uh. What?

You parroted those exact words out loud.

“I may have lost some of my mind’s sharpness to age and time, but if I remember correctly, New York City is one of the most popular places in the world. And I hear that it would be a good place for a young, spry lady like you to get your bright mind out there. The world needs a little more of you and if New York City is the best way to do it, so be it.”

“I’m… I’m…”

“A wonderful human being who will make the most of the hand that she’s dealt. I’ve seen you make castles out of cardboard.”

“You… you want me to go to New York?”

“Oh, Heavens no. Not at all. I would love to just keep you here forever,” she sighed, going so far as to lean back in her desk chair. You resisted the urge to laugh at her theatrics. “But you’re not a princess locked up in a tower. You have the power to make your own choice, and I know that whichever path you go down, it will be a flowery one. You’ll make it one. Because that’s just what you do, Y/N.”

“What if… What if I’m not sure?”

She tilted her head back down to meet your eyes and gave you a smile that was slightly off-putting, as though you had fallen into a trap she carefully laid out. “Then, what can I do to convince you to stay here?”

“I think a part of me thinks I’m wanting to stay here because I’ve found my home here. I think I’ve become incredibly comfortable here. In Korea.”

She blinks at you. “Is… that a bad thing?”

“I think... I think that I’m wanting to stay here because I love it here and the work I do and the people I’ve met, but I think I’m wanting to leave because I’m trying to prove that I’m not tied down to a particular person. Because I feel like everyone thinks that I can’t live my life without them, so I want to prove that I can do it. That I will.”

“So… you’re trying to prove that you’re not influenced by said person, by, uh, being influenced by said person?”

“Uh.”

“‘Uh,’ indeed.”

“What if… I’m staying here because I subconsciously think that everyone is right? That I actually can’t live without them? Not actually?”

“Is that person me?”

“No, ma’am.”

“I’m a little hurt you answered that so quickly, but. To prove my point. You are here, in my office, yes?”

“Yes…?”

“Are they?”

“No…?”

“Then. You’re living without them, aren’t you? Right here. In front of me. Heart pumping out blood through your veins and your brain shooting off neurons. You’re alive. Without them.”

“It’s… it’s a little different, Doctor, I—”

“Y/N. You’re dazzling. Almost overwhelmingly so. There is no one. No one who can overshadow you in the way you think they can. No matter what underlying influences, no matter what puppetry you may think is going on, you call the shots. You get to decide what to include in your life moving forward. If this person has as much power as you think they do over you, I’d like to meet them. Because you’re a force to be reckoned with.”

You bit your lip. “Is… Is it okay to be so selfish?”

“You said so yourself, Y/N. You found a home here. Or more like, knowing you, you built a home here. Korea will forever be marked by you. Seoul. Busan. Everywhere you’ve gone. That’s something that the majority of the world cannot say, because everyone feels a little lost, a little out of place. But you? No. You have a place. Right here. And, I mean, even at the end of the day, if you go off somewhere else, you’ll always have a place to return to that will welcome you with open arms.”

“Doctor, I…”

“Yes, Y/N?”

“...I think I wanna stay.”

“Perfect. I’ll have them write up your contract.”

―――――――――――――――――

[04:12] Lee Jihoon: i know its late. rehearsal never ends until 3am and i know that when u get texts you wake up even if ur phone is on silent bc the vibration wakes u up so im trying to type this all in one message so that it doesnt wake u up (hopefully) but i didnt want it to seem like i left u on read because i was upset or something. but i didnt want to message until i had the time to have a full conversation but i dont think thats happening any time soon anyway. when you see this i hope it makes sense im not sure if i am

[4:12] You: i still have the sleep schedule of a doctoral student, you know

[4:12] Lee Jihoon: oho i see

[4:12] Lee Jihoon: and u still owe me a gift, doctor

[4:12] You: 🥴🥴🥴 i thought you forgot

[4:12] Lee Jihoon: never

[4:13] You: ok lee jihoon, what do you want?

[4:13] Lee Jihoon: can i call u

[4:13] You: ? sure?

Before you could even type, ‘is something wrong?’, his name and profile picture (which wasn’t even of him, it was that dumb photo of Hansol) flooded your screen. Your finger slid across before you could even give a second thought.

“Um. Hello?” Silence met your ears. You wondered whether the call actually went through. You pulled the phone away from your cheek and pressed ‘speaker’. “Jihoon…?”

“Ah, sorry. Yes. Wow. Hi.”

You knew speaker was the better option. Hearing his voice that close to your ear would have given you heart palpitations, or at least, worse than what was already happening. “Yes, hello yourself. Did you need something?”

“Huh?”

“You called?”

“Oh. Yeah. No. I just. Wanted to talk.”

“About what?”

“Anything. I think staring at a screen would’ve made me fall asleep faster, but I wanted to talk. To you. If that’s okay.”

“Yeah, yeah. It’s okay.”

You heard him release a sigh of relief (?). “Yeah. Okay. Thank you.”

You hummed, realizing there was a chance he didn’t exactly prepare conversation topics. “I decided to stay in Seoul.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. My boss here convinced me.”

“Tell them thank you.”

You snorted. “It wasn’t hard to.”

“Columbia is a pretty prestigious place, though.”

“Huh. How’d you know that?”

“Might’ve asked Hansol and Jisoo-hyung.”

You clicked your tongue. “Jihoon, just because they’re American doesn’t mean—”

“Nope. That’s exactly what it means.”

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes. “Okay, okay.”

“I’m proud of you, you know.”

“Uh—what?”

“You got a whole ass PhD. From the best university in Korea. You got offered a job at a super big school in America. One that’s super big in the field that you studied. You graduated from an even bigger school for undergrad, a school that even I know the name of. And just… I know that people expect you to achieve because you’ve always been a genius, always so brilliant, but. You also work really hard. So. I’m proud of you.”

Your throat felt tight. “It’s not that big of a deal—”

“But it is, firefly.”

Oh, that nickname. “I mean, I just—”

“You don’t have to believe me. But that won’t stop me from feeling it.”

“Jihoon, I—”

“I’ve missed you.”

Before you could even make a noise (not that you could), he continued.

“I’ve missed you a stupid amount. Like us stealing your dad’s car to drive to McDonald’s at 3am and then running a red light on the way there. And then somehow almost hitting an entire flock of seagulls. And then going to some random, deserted parking lot. And then realizing we didn’t know the way home, so we drove aimlessly for, like, 45 minutes. And then panicking when we kept seeing the gas needle go down. That kind of stupid.”

You couldn’t form words.

But you tried.

“I… I missed you too.”

You could’ve sworn you heard utter satisfaction in his voice. “I have to sleep now, but. I just. I couldn’t not tell you. That’s all.”

“Okay.”

“Get some sleep, firefly. Or should I call you, Dr. Firefly now?”

“That sounds like a cartoon villain.”

His laughter rang throughout your empty room and your chest tightened.

“Alright, we’ll go with just firefly then.”

Tears formed in your eyes at the ‘we’. You felt like you were fifteen and back in your childhood bedroom, after a long, long hours, ending your night by telling him about your day. The words you denied yourself for years tumbled out of your mouth, “Night, night, Jihoonie.”

A low chuckle met your ears.

“Sleep well, firefly.”

―――――――――――――――――

“He fucking booty called you?”

“Unnie, that’s not—”

“Nuh-uh, bumblebee. Any call past 3am is a fucking booty call.”

“So, when you called me past 3am, it was a booty call? I feel violated.”

“Time zones, Wheein. Doesn’t count,” Hyejin said dismissively.

Wheein puffed out her cheeks and stabbed the salad in front of her, piercing a lettuce leaf. You wanted to laugh at her infantile display, but you knew that would only result in her turning against you. And Hyejin was already a formidable opponent.

“He’s an idol,” you repeated for what seemed like the millionth time. “His rehearsal didn’t end until 3am.”

“He didn’t even tell you what he wanted for a gift,” Wheein interrupted.

“Yeah, what the hell is that about?” You muttered, turning back to your own plate of fries. You chewed on one thoughtfully as you made eye contact with Hyejin who gave you a deadpanned look. “What?”

“God, you two are dense, aren’t you?”

“Um, rude?”

“The phone call was the gift,” Hyejin explained.

“What a shitty gift.”

“Yeah, what? I would’ve asked for, like, Y/N’s homemade japchae.”

“Or my kimchi jjigae.”

“Or her dwaejigogi-bokkeum—wait. Stop distracting me,” Hyejin shook her head. “Regardless, bumblebee. He called you and that was his gift.”

You rolled your eyes at the ridiculous notion. “Sure, Jan.”

“Don’t make Brady Bunch references at me. We’re not American.”

“No, but we do use the internet,” you reminded her. “Anyways, it’s not that big of a deal. I’ve got other things to worry about. Like the fact that my cousin and his fiancée are coming in about a week and they want to get dinner together before they get shit-faced over the weekend. My only task is to gather blackmail material whenever the bachelorette happens with her friends.”

“Sounds like my kind of job.”

“Yes, Wheein-unnie, it really does.”

“Aren’t you gonna see him then?”

“Who? Jihoon?”

“Yeah, like. Aren’t you gonna see him next week? Isn’t he in your cousin’s bachelor party troupe or whatever the hell it’s called?”

You cocked your head to the side. “I don’t think I’ll see him? I shouldn’t see him. I think they’re gonna be in a different part of Seoul.”

“Huh. That would’ve been cool, though.”

“What?”

“You know that scene in dramas, where the main characters meet each other again for the first time in a long time and it’s all fuzzy and slow motion and there’s music playing in the background?”

“That’s—what? No. That doesn’t actually happen in real life, unnie.”

Hyejin pursed her lips. “Sure, Jan.”

―――――――――――――――――

“Ladybug!”

“Move aside, second-rate, that’s my lovebug.”

Your unnie ran into your open arms after she shoved her fiancé aside. You laughed at his crestfallen face but squeezed your future family as tight as you could. She squealed at your strength but nuzzled her face into your neck anyway.

“She’s… she’s my cousin, you know.”

“Yeah, but she chose me, which means that she likes me more. Chosen family is always better.”

“What? No—”

“She’s right, oppa,” you quipped. “Chosen family is always better. Has Lilo and Stitch taught you nothing?”

“I—you two always do this. You two always gang up on me and Jihoon, and—”

“Our table is ready, oppa. Let’s go take a seat.”

“For once, can you two listen to me, please?”

“He’s asked that before, unnie.”

“And we abided at that one time, right, lovebug?”

“Yes. He said to listen for once and we did.”

“Once only means one time, am I wrong?”

“No, unnie, you’re not.”

“God, forget it. Where’s the damn table? I need a drink.”

The two of you laughed at your cousin’s outburst and retreating figure as you both linked arms to follow after.

―――――――――――――――――

One appetizer in, you swirled the lemonade in your hands, appreciating the visible pulp as an indicator of its freshness. Your cousin, on the other hand, was several beers in, face slightly flushed, a permanent lazy grin plastered on his face.

“Wow, I’m surrounded by my two favorite girls—”

“What about your mom?”

“Or your dog?”

“Or Jennie from Blackpink?

“Or Zero Two from Darling in the FRANXX?”

“Oh God. He watched Darling in the FRANXX?”

“Ugh, yes, lovebug, let me tell you—”

“ANYWAY. YEAH. MY TWO FAVORITE GIRLS.”

The two of you snickered at his outburst. Your cousin’s phone pinged and he shielded it from you, squinting like an old man, staring at the screen with a tilted head. “Oh, hey, he’s five minutes away.”

You made an inquisitive sound. “Who?”

The two of them exchanged nervous glances, your cousin visibly swallowing.

Your unnie was the one who decided to speak up.

Because they knew you wouldn’t ever get mad at her.

Oh no.

“I know we didn’t give you the time to prepare, but we thought that you would’ve run away if we told you earlier, but Jihoon is coming here and—”

You could see her mouth move but you only heard a dull ringing.

You tried to speak, but no sound came out.

Wait.

Could you even speak? Where was your mouth again? Did it even move? What was happening? Where were you? Who were you?

“Y/N.”

You thought you felt a hand place itself on your shoulder. You turned to the sound source. “Yes?”

“Are you breathing?” “I think so.”

Your vision focused enough to recognize the looks of concern from the two seated at the booth.

Your heart sank. Oh no. Oh no.

Jihoon was going to see the two of them together, engaged.

He was going to be completely shattered.

“Lovebug, are you crying?”

“I—”

“Jihoon! Hey!” Your cousin’s voice went up several octaves from its regular position. You froze and cast your eyes downward, shrinking back as far into the seat as you could.

“Hey, hyung.”

Even the highest quality of speakers could not do this man’s voice justice, you realized.

“Oh my goodness, it’s our Jihoonie! Hi!”

You prepared yourself to hear the strain in his voice that you knew would tear you up inside.

“Hi, noona.”

Wait. What?

He spoke with such nonchalance, your head shot up in surprise.

Your breath caught in your throat.

Was your vision still fuzzy from earlier?

Did someone turn the playback speed to 0.5x?

Was that music playing?

(Shit. Hyejin was right.)

Your tongue mindlessly ran across your lips.

Oh wow.

He was really built like that, huh? His fair skin was so clear, you could have sworn there was a halo of light emitting from him. Cleanly done undercut, his ebony bangs fell messily just above his eyes, oh God, those crescent eyes, those bright, bright, bright—

Has he always looked at you like that?

“Hey, firefly.”

“Holy fuck.”

The older two gawked for a moment before your cousin began to berate you, going so far as to threaten to wash your mouth out with soap, while your unnie had her jaw dropped in horror. But you couldn’t look away from Jihoon. Surprise flitted across his face, but only for a moment. It settled into an uptilted corner of his lip and amusement dancing in his irises.

The woman before him, he only ever caught fleeting moments of. From social media posts by old friends to grainy photos from news outlets regarding your doctoral work. You were always so hard to pin down, like trying to catch a sunbeam in his hands.

You changed. So much.

You grew more into yourself, a woman you crafted with your own hands. There was a quiet confidence woven into you, so blatantly obvious, even though your current posture would convince everyone else otherwise. But he wasn’t everyone else. He could see the burning flame you’ve had since you were children, but it was more refined, more honed in, more in your control.

That made you more dangerous.

But that flustered look on your face.

Maybe you hadn’t changed too much.

And that gave him hope.

―――――――――――――――――

[side A: you. end]

[side B: him. coming soon]

#lee jihoon x reader #woozi x reader #lee jihoon #woozi #seventeen x reader #kpop fanfiction #kpop fanfic #seventeen #svt #kpop svt #woozi fic #seventeen fic #svt fic #mine

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un-named-thing · 2 years

Note

i dunno if you write poly stuff, but can u do some steddie x ftm!reader, angst to fluff where reader is like rlly heartbroken about having a crush on both of them bc reader thinks its weird/confusing plus theyre trans so kinda double homocide 💀 anyway steddie accepts readers confession and comforts them happy ending woohoo

I write any kind of stuff really if that makes sense and I actually really like this idea

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'So it's not weird?' Steddie x ftm!reader

Summary: after a good talk with yourself you finally gather up the courage to tell Steve and eddie what you've wanted to say for a while,

Cw: reader being real upset, angst to fluff

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I leaned against my locker, zoned out as Dustin basically yelled into my ear how exited he was about hell fire tonight. It was pretty exiting. But wasn't so excited tho. The thing is Eddie finally managed to get Steve to tag along which made Dustin even happier which isn't the bad part.

The bad part was that i was panicking. I have had a huge crush on Steve and eddie and i hated myself for it. I thought it wasn't normal and that something was wrong with me.

I wished i could just pick one to fanboy over but i simply couldn't. I loved eddie and his mass amount of energy. I loved the way he could light up a room in seconds.

And steve i loved how laid back he was but he could also get serious really quickly. Also how protective he was of the group. Both of those men just made me lose my damn mind.

But confessing would be like asking for a death sentence, especially to both of them. But even if they did somehow say yes and where okay with it what if they found out i was trans. Then it would all be over before it started.

But even them accepting my confession is very, very slim. If i confessed it would probably ruin our friendship forever.

I was suddenly shaken from my thoughts when i felt dustin literally shaking me. He looked really concerned. "Are you okay?" "Ya I'm fine" i quickly answerd trying to hide the fact that i was on the brink of tears. I bit my bottom lip trying not to cry.

My eyes darted around the hall before they landed on a clock. "Oh look at the time, I better go to my last period.. see ya at hell fire Dustin" i said slowly walking away before speeding of in the direction on my class. Dustin stood there confused for a moment before shrugging it off and heading of to his last period.

I rushed into my classroom just as the bell was about to ring. I took a seat in the back and put my head down. I was trying so damn hard not to cry but it was getting harder and harder the more thoughts popped into my head.

Why the hell did I have to have a crush on two damn guys. Why do I have to be so confusing. God I don't even know what this would be called.

God look at me, trans and I have a crush on two guys. Thats double homicide if anything. For now I just have to get through these last hours and I can go home and cry into my pillow and try to forget how weird I am.

Time skip

The Bell rang making me jump slightly as I was half way asleep. I looked around and quickly realised people where packing up and leaving. I cussed under my breath and jumped up. Basically running out the classroom.

I took a deep breath when suddenly I was being picked up. I looked down only to see eddie. He had that usual happy grin on his face. I blushed as he pulled me into a tight hug.

"Ready for hell fire n/n?" He asked. He looked so damn exited and I simply nodded in response. He smiled and led me to the club room. But not even half way there steve joined us, and now it was time to start panicking. I couldn't get a single word out. I was embarrassed as hell.

Why was it so damn akward? Was it me? I breathed heavily as we finally reached the club room.

Eddie paused and turned to me right as he was about to open the door. "Hey n/n you okay, you look out of it?" Eddie asked concerned "Ya you okay m/n?".

Great now both eddie and steve where asking if I was okay. Internally I was fucking screaming. "Ya ya I'm fine just nervous for... hell fire is all". I gave a weak smile to both of the guys. They exchanged glances before eddie finally opened the door.

The room was full of the normal people you'd see in hell fire. Expect lucas was out. Again. So Erica was taking his place, which she was more than happy to do. I took my place next to mike as I normally do and steve stood next to me, using Eddie's "throne" for support.

There was no need for me to be this nervous but something in me was just going crazy. Plus I still couldn't calm down from what happened just seconds ago. I just tried to concentrate on the game and nothing else. But oh god was it so damn difficult.

Yes another time skip

Another successful hour of playing dnd with my friends was over and i actually managed to keep it together. Kinda. Everyone was happily cheering and getting their stuff together.

I was about to get up and join the others when eddie stopped me by grabbing my hand. I turned to him with a slight tint of red on my face.

"Heeey n/n, me and steve are going back to mine to hang out, your coming with" he said with a devilish grin. I gulped and my head ran wild. I quickly responded "sorry eddie I'm busy" i gave him a soft smile before trying to get my hand back.

Suddenly steve grabbed my other hand and a smirk spread across his face. "He wasn't asking" they laughed as they watched my face turn into a look of horror. They pulled me along all the way holding my hands in their's, with eddie slightly ahead of us.

I walked out into the empty parking lot where Steve dragged me and Eddie to his car. Eddie happily jumped into the front seat when Steve unlocked the car. And I got into the back quietly.

Steve pulled out of the parking lot and onto the rode. Eddie gave him a look. "You remember where I live harrington?" "How could I not" Steve answered not taking his eyes of the rode.

I smiled slightly trying to sink into my seat. 'Just smile and sit quietly m/n, maybe they'll forget your here and you can run home and cry at how pathetic you are' at this point I was mentally scolding myself from not being able to resist these two and just give into them.

I looked up and saw eddie looking straight at me. "Okay l/n spill your guts, you've been weird the whole day. Even hell fire and I know how much you love hell fire. I mean come on Even Dustin mentioned how weird you where acting. So come on spill it" eddie said turning from a more cheery tone to a serious one.

I froze. I was darn speechless. I didn't know what to fucking say and the worst part it when I looked over to Steve who was giving me occasional glances. I knew he had concern on his face too.

I put my head down and stayed quiet. Eddie asked me acoulpe more times and so did Steve but I didn't say I word. Now the car ride was silent.

'Great m/n you ruined it you idiot' I mentally scolded myself. I could feel how much I wanted to cry but I couldn't, not here, not now. I bit my tounge trying to stop myself crying.

God why did I have to be weird and ruin one of the best friendships I've ever had. Why did I have to be the weird friend who likes his friends. I bit my tounge and played with my hands. Truing so desperately to calm myself down. But I'm pretty sure both of the guys could see that I was practically shaking.

The car ride was painfull but I didn't want it to end cause I knew as soon as we got to Eddie's they would bonbrad me with questions. I didn't want that. I was so damn on edge I would definitely spill my gut and that would be a disaster.

But that car ride couldn't last forever and soon i felt the car stop and eddie get out. Steve got out and opened the door for me. I nodded a thank and walked with Steve to eddie. Eddie unlocked his door and fell on the couch looking at me and steve.

Steve led me to the couch and sat me between him and eddie. Just fucking great. My breathing quickened when I felt eddie and steve give me a side hug at the same time. They didn't speak but I knew they where burning to know what was bothering me so much.

Steve broke the silence first. "Hey n/n we don't know what's bothering you so much but we hope that we can help in some way" he gave me a soft smile patting me on the back as eddie gave me a tight hug.

I didn't even notice that I started crying. I guess everything I've built up just over flowed. I could feel steve join the hug as well. "Hey if you don't feel comfortable talking about it it's okay but we won't judge you" I could feel eddie smile and tighten the hug.

Now it really all over flowed and I just spilled out my gut. "Goddamit, what's bothering me is you two. I love both of you so damb much but its so fucking weird, I know and maybe I could be normal and confess without all these tear but it would be really much easier if I was born a damn guy just like the both of you!"

I curled up in a ball, sobbing, with both of the guys pulling back to look at me. They looked at eachother before going back to hugging me. I was slightly stunned at this. I more or less stopped sobbing so much but I was the furthest thing from calm.

This time eddie spoke up first. "Jesus I wouldn't be surprised if you told us you could read minds too" he laughed slightly and hid his face in the crook of my neck.

"It was kinda obvious that you had a crush on one of us man, but we didn't really know which one off us" "we didn't expect it too be both" eddie spoke up right after Steve.

I wiped away the tears and looked up at them both. "But what about me be-" I was cut off when Steve picked me up and hugged me lifting me of my feet. Eddie joined in and hugged me from the back.

I didn't know what to say but I was finally happy that they knew, and they didn't think this was weird. "So n/n, Steve are we like in a couple but there are three people?" eddie asked shooting glances at both of us.

"Yes eddie that's how it works" I said as Steve finally put me down. "Nice, but now that your okay, you are okay right?" "Yes I'm fine" I said looking at eddie "good! Now who wants to have some fun?! If you know what i mean" "Seriously eddie?" Steve looked at him, slightly disappointed

"Ehhh fine Steve but I'm taking m/n with me then" eddie smirked as he dragged me off to his room. "Oh no you dont" I heard Steve yell behind us. I smiled. Okay maybe I wasn't so weird after all.

#stranger things #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #gay #x male reader #queer #eddie munson x male!reader #eddie munson x you #steve harrington #Steve harrington x reader #steve harrington x male reader #steve harrington x you #steve x reader x eddie #steddie

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meera000 · 1 year

Text

Crazy smells lately

day 1

Obviously i appreciate and cherish all of my senses equally but i feel like i overlook smell the most. i think for me it's a three-way first-place tie between sight touch and sound, and then smell and taste are a two-way second-place tie. if i had to rank them that is — i've been faced with that question a maximum of two times. that being said, the first time i got covid i was like if i lose my taste and/or smell i will kms. didn't happen thank god.

anyway. committed voluntary overstimulation by going into le labo this morning. now i am back in the hotel room and i smell like their paris exclusive vanille 44 perfume and it's giving me a headache. this is just like the time last spring when i put on my usual fragrance before going out — margiela replica by the fireplace … need to try something new i fear — and it gave me such a fucking horrid headache that i had to go to bed early. i like perfume just fine. sometimes it is totally too much though. and, like, i want to understand le labo, because everyone who is cool likes it, but i must have tested out like 10 of their perfumes (8 on paper, 2 on my skin) and i did not like a single one. the only way i can describe how i feel about it was that everything smelled wrong. too strong in an industrial way. i can't come up with a better word. i walked out feeling like i was covered in soot.

and like i'm not even trying to be contrarian here!! i tried so hard to like it! it just didn't do it for me.

tomorrow i am going to go to dover street parfums market. surprisingly i have never tried out any of the cdg perfumes, ironic bc it's my favorite. looking at the brand list on the site rn. little nervous but we will see how it goes.

a couple of my friends work at the aesop downtown which is near where i work, and i should probably go visit them. but i am worried that i just won't understand again. at least i will get a discount.

day 2

hit dover street parfums market. layout was crazy imo. it was like a very clean maze. i left overstimulated … surprise !

i don't have much to say. everything looked cool but i was overwhelmed. lowkey i blacked out. i have only a couple of formulated thoughts which i will share next.

guys i think there is something wrong with me … i didn't love any of the cdg perfumes either. i did like concrete the most, and cdg2 knocked me out in a bad way, but i was just like oh my god for most of it. i don't know what's going on!! i tried out the replica perfumes they had and those were the only ones i actually liked. have i been conditioned by maison margiela to only like their fragrances?! am i going through a phase??? is it ok to not enjoy perfume?!

ugh i need to get into perfume more because i have no idea what i'm talking about. i need to be able to recognize what smells i like-- in the winter i like to be warm and in the summer i like to be fresh, but i need to learn to pinpoint specific smells. hopefully i just smell good naturally too but my biggest fear, more than rejection and being forgotten, is smelling bad and i feel that i have to wear perfume to feel some sort of control!!

now i'm all like, why does it even matter if i don't like any of these dsm perfumes? obvi i want to signal to people that i know what i'm doing -- i am a bitch who loves fashion and has a coherent style whatever, and also a deep love of external validation even tho i am also confident in myself. so it shouldn't bother me if i don't fuck with a cdg perfume because regardless i still have my shit together. i can't let the perfume wear me just because of its brand! and yet here i am like nooo what's wrong with me. i need to take a nap

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dspm

#mine

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rexaleph · 2 years

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Havent said anything abt perfume in so long bc ive been uh unwell but im coming out of it again i think.

Im interested in getting into florals, sth i started thinking abt in late spring. I want a green, wet, vegetal flower. Ive been enjoying Sublime Balkiss by the different company, but idk that it isnt too expensive for what it is. Lasts very little and ultimately it is just kinda a friendly fruity floral. sometimes i think that i just need to make life easier for myself and look into womens designer scents, but then i look at the reviews for Sublime Balkiss and people are like sharp green unisex different. And im like ah ok lol. Really interested in exploring tom ford's Vert Boheme, and that whole vert series in general, tho maybe its discontinued? And also fucking tom ford lmao. Fwiw i have actually tried Vert de Fleur during my last attempt at getting into flowers, and its not really it for me, feels like a sun-dried late summer steppe weeds + lipstick, the opposite kinda flowers from what im looking for. Funnily enough a lot of the reviews are calling it dark, fresh and dewy, which just goes to show that none of these words mean anything to me. (Having washed some of it off and waited a couple hours its much less unpleasant but still not what im looking for. dry bouquet herbal soap vibes)

De Profundis remains the untouchable fantasy BUT Amouage Myths woman seems to go to a similar green-earthy-floral well, while Myths man also has chrysanthemum and is supposed to be smoky which is intriguing (tho apparently also features prominent iris and is generally resinous and leathery). So time to reconsider Amouage perhaps. I occasionally revisit the samples i have and still cant really get into them but they are quite different from each other and idk that its their intrinsic dna that i dont get along with. Also given where de profundis comes from ive decided to stop being such a bitch about serge lutens, and maybe look into them for florals.

When i last thought abt perfume a couple months back I was considering making some purchases this autumn as a reward for hopefully defeating work demons, but im actually gonna be spending money on a trip and some things to do w that, which is a lot more valuable than perfume. However now i also want perfume as well. And idk id like to maybe not accumulate a million samples so i ought to go through what i have and really think about the hows and whys of my perfume experience. When i was depressed just now i still wore perfume every day but really didnt engage w the variety i have access to. I dont think i want to be the single signature fragrance person just bc my one perfume would be vierges et toreros and i cant do that to people, certainly not in the middle of summer lmao. But maybe i can have like... 4. Maybe 9. Fwiw i think ive resolved my search around leathers and animalics and am not interested in trying any more after having found my beloved few, even though some are completely inaccessible to me. Maybe i could write sth up about them. What feels very unresolved to me is fruits, my first big unexpected interest in perfume. Ive tried so many and rn i think i dont like any of them! My fucking samples store shopping cart is full of figs aside from flowers but maybe i should really think about whats wrong w the ones i have. I was gonna do a post abt the fruits as well and was reminded of it just now having had a bad time trying to wear Fig Man.

Anyway i dont think ill buy anything for now regardless, thankfully im good at not spending money. But i will try to have my perfume thoughts.

#perfume #unforfortunately i love telling myself to think on sth and then not doing it

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hesnotavillain · 2 days

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is there still anyone here?

it's trully been ages and tbh i almost didn't remembered the right email or password. i was creating an account on substack, since apparently that's a thing now (or has been forever and i'm only now finding about bc people are sharing theirs on my timeline) bc i was feeling like writing to no one really, just to put some feelings into words and then i remembered this "place" exists.

so funny (and cringe, obviously) getting to see how i spent years and years and lived through so much mental illness and so many fictional obsessions. this is like a museum of a lifetime, im not kidding.

writing this is also making me see how fucking bad my english actually is nowadays (if it was ever better)

let's see. im 23. got in college last year. quit my antidepressants the year before - which was also the year the guy i was seeing (because surprise surprise, you're bi!) and didn't have much expectations on became my boyfriend and potential future husband. i love him very much and we laugh a lot together. ngl i do miss women sometimes tho. just that specific sapphic atmosphere you know? dont really see myself away from it for the rest of my life. i mean, that just sounds like a very long time.

oh! i started the gym very recently. cant say that it changed my life yet, but honestly im hoping on that. it doesnt really have to change my life, but if it gets me some dopamine to go through my days with a nice ass as a bonus, i'll be happy. eating is not really the problem, cooking is. im too fucking lazy and this is actually the biggest fucking rock on my shoes. is that even a saying outside brazil? anyway.

i want to say i miss being a teenager, like maybe being 16-19 but man how can i say this when i was so fucking miserable mentally for way before that. im way better now, but sometimes i miss it and i know that really the only thing i miss is not having a real thought about anything that concerns real life because i was too drowned on gay content and too engaged with my internet friends. lmao. that sure was the life huh.

i dont think this writing exercise is working, but i also dont know what there is to 'work' really. i feel like there's a zillion subjects travelling aroung my mind all the time and i wanna deal with each but never know where to start so i guess that explains the messines.

im kinda excited to turn 30 (in a I'm Totally Romanticizing Turning 30 From Now On Because I Believe I'll Be At My Finest Era slightly delusional way). (if global warming even let us get there without massively destructing my mediocre reality). im also scared of the day i'll lose my loved ones. i feel like for the first time in my life im starting to understand that there's just so much life to live. so much life. how can every single possible thing, even the good ones, result on anxiety tho.

im already tired of this (writing) and dont know how to finish but for now i guess the substancial thing i can't forget is that i made it to right here and i'm the one who can get me to right there. so. just keep rolling my dudes.

#hesnotavillain

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iamtheangelofdeath · 2 months

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TW MENTION OF SA

A good chunk of my life has been nothing but Hell,somedays I feel like I deserve it because in my eyes I feel like I’m a terrible person while some I think I didn’t and deserve better

My biological father left me when I was about two or three he abandoned me because he wasn’t ready to be a father despite having around ten kids and maybe more all from different women (I’m the second oldest,I’m 22)

I’d constantly get bullied throughout school also. For being fat. For being ugly. Everything under the sun. Yet I’d get in trouble for sticking up for myself. I had no real friends either and I still don’t which is why I’m always online since I only have online friends

At the age of three or four (bear with me my memory is shit) I’d start getting molested by somebody I trusted (well,my moms best friends father whom I considered to be my grandpa seeing as at the time I didn’t have one.). I can remember every fucking detail and each time it makes me sick. It makes me feel used,if it gets to me too much I’ll take a shower and scrub my skin despite it happening years ago. I remember when I’d be in a room alone and he’d wait…he’d wait for the perfect moment to strike that in question was whenever I’d leave said room whether it be to go use the bathroom or go elsewhere then he’d just stand in the doorway,his fat frame blocking any means of escape though at the time I was skinny so I’d try to get past only for him to grab me and fondle me. His disgusting hands would go up my shirt to touch my flat chest (I remember asking him to help me fix a sports bra I was wearing and he did that as well) or slither down my pants or skirt to touch my vagina through my underwear,how long it’d last I’m not sure though he’d eventually stop. I remember being in their son’s room sitting on the bed playing on their GameCube lo and behold here comes that vile pig only this time he has his flaccid penis hanging out from his fly for my innocent eyes to see,I’m forever grateful that I ran out the room when I did otherwise I’m for sure he would’ve deflowered me right then and there if I just stared at him like a deer in headlights. Another time it finally clicked in my head that what he was doing to me was wrong so when he did it yet again I said “no!” to which he said “yes!”. I can’t wrap my head around how somebody could ruin a child’s innocence. I would eventually tell everyone when I was at my aunts having a panic attack when I was proposed the idea of staying the night at her house with her and her boyfriend (I was afraid he’d do what my abuser did to me even tho he would never do that). We went to court for this only for my case to be dropped due to lack of evidence which I suppose I can understand since words don’t really do much but even then why.

He got to live a life as a free man up until he passed away in 2018 despite what he did to me all while it affected me so bad that I was anxious around men,I oversexualized myself on Kik (which got me groomed by so many sick FUCKS),and honestly I started to wonder if I DID make it up since his family said I was lying (no little kid should know what a grown man’s dick looks like nor should they even know about sex or SA but okay-) that and when his wife asked on his deathbed if he did all that to me he said he didn’t to which she sided with him (I’ll always find it ironic how she swore she’d protect her granddaughter from creeps yet never protected me from her predator of a husband since she was too occupied on the computer or watching reruns of MASH in the living room)The trauma from both getting molested AND getting groomed online was so bad that I’d get hostile with mom (hit her,slap her,berate and cuss at her,tell her I hate her) when I was a little girl all the way ‘til I was around 16-17? I still feel guilt and regret for what I had done. She did so much for me despite being a single mother and giving birth to me when she was still in highschool despite her mother telling her she should abort me and even kicking her out the house to go live on her own n forcing her to quit her job at Dominoes,how she still loves me despite all the turmoil and hell I put her through during that time is beyond me

As for the grooming I’d get groomed by grown men on Kik,some would give me money to send them nudes (I was 15-16 at the time) and some would threaten me into sending them then threaten to show my parents it and blame me for sending them. Some would threaten to rape me,some threatened to dox me,some sent me full blown CP out of nowhere,some would send me dick pics knowing my age,some reassured that the lewd stuff I was doing as a teen was okay it was “hot”,someone said my body looked like the underside of a pig,overall it wasn’t a good experience to say the least. It baffles me how that app is still up especially since CP is a major problem on there and people just trade it like it’s fuckin’ Pokemon cards or some shit either way I fucking hate that app and I hate that most ppl have gotten away with abusing other underaged kids on there-

I genuinely hate that the sexual abuse I endured warped my mind into thinking that sending nudes to random men that I talked to or rped with would make em like me (I did this when I was 18,19 or 20 I don’t remember-) thinking back about it it always makes me feel gross,used and nothing but an object to ogle at.

All my ex partners were horrible in some way or another (I had one leave me after a week in favor of my then at the time best friend,one cheated on me bc I wasn’t comfy with being called mommy,one said he wasn’t using me despite him using me for nudes and to just wank you get it-) BUT the worst one was this sick pedo fuck.

He messaged me asking if I wanted to date him so I got excited and said yes. I should’ve said no.

Keep in mind that I used to age regress in 2019 bare in mind and when he found out I had the gear (adult pacifiers,littleforbig onesies,all that stuff),he’d ask for pictures. Wanted a pic of me with pigtails wearing one of them which at first felt normal until he started asking me to take nasty pics. Most of the time I didn’t want to to which he’d keep pressuring me until I caved in but others I’d do it for the sake of appeasing him since I wanted to be loved. The onesie he made me wear in question looked like this.

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Aaaaaanywho I remember once he was making me get off for him and he wanted me to put the dildo I was using on myself in my ass to which I told him no it’d hurt and he kept persisting despite me saying NO because “daddy said so” to which again,I caved in and shoved the large toy inside of my anus that shit hurt so bad but I did it anyway just because I wanted his love and validation. Eventually I started to wonder if he loved me and when I asked he simply sent me memes because he didn’t like confrontation. Oh well,I left him though last year I discovered that he had forced himself onto other people I was friends with on Facebook and did shit like that. Thanks Josiah. Thanks for tainting age regressing for me. Thank you for making me throw out most of my gear because it left a nasty scar.

Nowadays I’m still bitter that everybody on Twt got away with making fun of me for having BPD,anger issues,autism (basically ableism-) and not being comfortable with sharing Dude just because they deem me as a bad person. Making a mockery of me and saying I’m obsessive solely because I’m emotionally connected to Dude. I can’t look at ship art of him or nsfw of him involved with others without feeling sick and betrayed. I know it isn’t canon but still.

I have said some childish n regretful things in the heat of the moment I will gladly own up to it because I’m not gonna excuse my behavior but I’m not a bad person. I’m not a bad person for rightfully getting upset that my boundaries were overstepped and they kept making me uncomfortable despite me telling them to stop to which I’m the bad guy and I apparently start drama (despite them starting it,Twt users loves to cancel people for stupid shit- also funny how the twt Postal fandom “cancelled” me yet it’s hush hush about that person who made a skinhead Dudesona,that weirdo who fetishizes rape n draws gore porn,racists,transphobes/anti lgbt,folks using others for free art,and true crime weirdos that glorify Columbine or say serial killers are cute). I’m not a bad person for worrying about someone’s well being and getting worried that they were getting groomed,I still feel guilty for wrongfully saying the person was a pedo but I apologized to them it’s not like I did it out of malice or spite I was just genuinely worried bc I didn’t want that person to go through the shit I went through. I’m not a bad person for sticking up for myself when that true crime freak was making fun of me (they were insulting me bc of my mental illnesses n took a screenshot of my bio to make fun of it,my autism,my selfshipping and called me fat but all of a sudden it’s bad when I go on pop off on them. Again I went overboard with my “at least my wrists don’t look like this” remark with a screenshot of their SH I know that and I regret it but honestly don’t insult someone and expect them to take kindly to it-). I hate every last motherfucker that abandoned me. I hate Izzy for saying she was my bestie and that she’d never leave me despite her blocking me on every social media platform because she’s nothing but a disgusting pig that wants to be popular and mooches off others for free art. I hate Son Of Satan for defending people making fun of me because in their words “you were acting like you were good and everyone was bad,they were just joking” (using your logic that just means I was joking when I made that SH comment or called your little buddy a fucking clown like what??? I at least owned up to what I did and knew it was wrong meanwhile you’re pulling excuses out your ass to make it seem like you’re a good person when in reality you and everyone that left me behind are nothing but shit stains) and using suicide as a tactic to make me feel guilty (to which it did,looking back I should’ve told them to do it or laughed at them but sadly I have a heart of gold and want to help people despite some not deserving the time of day also they said their parents hated them which I wouldn’t be surprised if it was true because if that failed abortion was my kid I’d hate them too-),I hate their little buddy Chell for playing victim all the fucking time despite being a shit human (I made a post regarding a completely different person once and they somehow thought it was ab them so they sent their white knights to go harass me and make fun of my looks n self shipping also according to them I’m a “pedophile” because I’m telling fatherless teens that probably get bullied at school to leave me the fuck alone (also one of them said “minors can’t harass people” like?? Quit making excuses for being an asshole-),I hate every last one of those motherfuckers. It just felt like a punch in the face when one of my favorite artists said “your behavior was embarrassing” and then I’m pretty sure a post they made on tumblr was about me it was something among the lines of “oh I’m not an obsessive fangirl maybe I would be though in 2007” yadayadayada.

The constant dwelling each and every waking moment,wishing bad upon them,thinking about them in rather horrific situations which isn’t morally right just because I loathe them,how I’d never eat because I was constantly paranoid and if I did I’d just nitpick,how I relapsed and self harmed,how I wasted my tears on people that had long moved on,countless failed suicide attempts because I wholeheartedly believed that that’s what they wanted and that they’d be happy with that decision. It’s not fair. They don’t deserve to be happy or get recognition and all those friends,I DO. I can’t bring myself to forgive them,I really wanted to but I just can’t especially when I went through all of that shit in the span of 4. Fucking. Months.

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two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat · 3 months

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The Grey Wolves Series: Prince of Wolves

A review

I would like to preface this review with the fact that when I first read this series in highschool, I hyperfixated on it for several months. I was 15. I still believed myself to be cishet. Quite a bit has changed since then.......and now that I think about that was 9 years ago. Fucking hell.

This series is. Not good. I dont know much about Quinn Loftis' life (tho she did follow me on Twitter when I still had twitter) but from what I could gather is that shes a stay at home mom and very Christian. Not so Christian that she was anti Harry Potter. Im likely going to keep a twilight and Harry Potter reference counter as I reread this series.

This review will likely be a bit disjointed. I have never written a second draft for anything in my life and I dont plan to start now. This is mostly for fun and I likely have adhd and struggle to articulate my thoughts so. Fuck it.

From what I remember of this series there is. A lot going on. The first couple of books follow Jacquelyn and Fane. The next couple focus on one of Jacquelyn's best friends, Jen, and her love interest, Decebel. The next two on their third friend Sally and her love interest Colin. I'm actually pretty interested to see how much I actually remember of these books. All 3 girls are very much the stereotypical YA novel protagonist.

Unfortunately this series frequently uses the word g*psy for one of its supernatural types. As I wouldnt class these characters as Romani, I will be referring to them as "healers" after their initial introduction as I dont want to have to constantly type out g*psy and they ARE healers. (As far as I can remember, Sally is not Romani (and yes, spoiler alert, Sally is a healer), tho she IS one of the few, if not the only POC in this series. So....not great, Quinn).

I'll likely only review the first 6 or 7 books (I don't remember how many of them I got through exactly but definitely the first 6), tho according to Google there are now EIGHTEEN books in this series. I know she also had a spin off series about healers (I think I read part of the first book of that series). But holy shit. 18. Thats a lot of fuckin books for there being almost no fandom when the series was still at 10 books. She may not be a great writer but shes got passion and drive I'll give her that. And that's not even counting the spin off series. Of which there are 5 books. Or the 4 unrelated series she did before Grey Wolves. Goddamn shes been busy.

Im writing all of this BEFORE rereading the first book. But some reviews give a first impression which i cannot do as I read these books for the first time almost a decade ago. Also I kinda wanna see if I can summarize the books before I read them to see how much I remember, cuz again, this is for fun and testing my memory has always been fun for me (I used to be able to recite the entire plot of the 39 clues series from memory and I would do so often).

SO

Book One. Prince of Wolves.

Jacquelyn *last name redacted as I cant remember it* is a 17 (almost 18) year old girl about to go into her senior year of highschool. She lives in a small town in Texas with her single mom. Her dad walked out before she was born (or slightly after) and she doesn't know much about him. Her mom is *quirky*. She has two best friends named Jen and Sally. Jen is loud and vulgar and sarcastic while Sally is quiet and shy.

The neighbors across the street from Jacque are going to be hosting a foreign exchange student from romania this year. Jacque finds herself instantly drawn to this tall foreign boy with dark hair and "piercing blue eyes" and after making eye contact with him, begins to hear a voice in her head that she is SURE is his voice despite having never heard him talk before. Spoiler alert: she is correct!

The begin communicating through this psychic connection frequently. He teaches her how to shut him out so he's not hearing her every thought. He informs her that she is a werewolf!!! Or at the very least, half werewolf!!! They are True Mates™️, which is why they are able to communicate telepathically!!!

She goes into her yard to sun bathe and Fane gets Big Mad™️ as her True Mate™️ markings are on display which is a Big No No for werewolves. She doesn't know what the fuck hes talking about. She goes inside to discover what appears to be a tattoo on her (....side? I think? Perhaps on her back).

Jacque has MANY sleepovers at her house with jen and Sally to talk to them about all of these developments.

She eventually tells her mom and discovers!!! Her dad is a werewolf!!! But her mom is not so she and him couldn't have been True Mates™️ and its slightly hinted that he left because he found his True Mate™️ so even though he loved her, he could not stay away from his mate.

Jacque starts having dead animals left outside her house. At first she thinks its Fane doing a weird wolfy courting thing and gets understandably upset by this. Fane confirms that while it IS a wolfy courting thing, HE is not the culprit!

Apparently there is a pack in the area!!! And one of the wolves in this pack is interested in Jacquelyn!!! And Fane is intruding on their territory!!! And the alpha of the pack (a man in his mid to late 20s) is challenging Fane for his mate!!! The challenge is to the death!!! But don't worry!!! Fane is calling in his parents and their pack to help him handle this situation and keep Jacquelyn safe if he loses!!!

At this point they inform the family that fane is living with about what is going on. They are surprisingly chill about the whole thing. Even with having several of Fane's pack members stay with them. Theyre Very Cool People.

We meet Fane's parents. Vasile and Mina (I actually did look up Vasile's name as I kept wanting to call him Vlad and I knew THAT wasn't right)

#man its been almost a year since i decided i wanted to reread and review this series and then wrote this out #i still haven't actually started rereading the first book yet lol #might do that soon #have this for now #we'll see if my executives start functioning

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ilaiyayaya · 5 months

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I'm Not Late It's Still January 1st Shut, Shut Up

Can we just like imagine that today is not 4 days after New Years and that it is instead still New Years and I did not once again spend nearly a week procrastinating writing 5 sentences about random words that pop up in my brain okay?

I don't normally make any kind of new years resolutions or anything like that because I am incapable of holding myself accountable for any kind of long-term goal, but I am at least glad that there are no more upcoming holidays and that I can go back to normal levels of mentally ill instead of christmas levels of mentally ill. I do have some goals tho, but I wouldn't really consider them "new year's resolutions", moreso just long-term goals that I've had for a while that I'm somewhat closer to reaching this year than I ever have been in the past. My first priority is absolutely moving out of my father's house, I hate living in this hell-hole and I have for a long time, originally my goal was to be out by the end of March of this year, but I started searching for apartments to move out to around September, and failed to take into account the fact that the time right before Christmas is probably the worst time to be looking for available apartments, and that I always get cripplingly depressed around the holidays which makes it kinda hard to motivate myself to do anything actually productive (no clue how I didn't foresee the 2nd one, that happens every year). So yeah I pretty much had to put that on hold for a while so that end of March goal definitely isn't happening now, so instead now I think I'm just gonna go for an "as soon as realistically possible" deadline lol. I'd also like to start hrt, that's definitely not realistically happening this year though, I'd have to be out on my own before I even start looking into that, and from what I've heard the process of going through doctors to actually get on hrt is a nightmare and can take forever, so almost definitely not a this year goal, but still a goal. I'd also like to get back to doing art of any kind, there's not really anything stopping me, just myself, but like, maybe I'll feel like opening up Clip Studio or Blender, or buying more painting supplies again sometime this year.

I guess I also would like to use this blog more often, I'm not gonna like force myself to write like everyday or anything, I feel like if I did that after a while it would just create more issues, but venting every once in a while is actually pretty good and helpful and I don't do that enough. I'm really bad about just not opening up at all to anyone around me, so having a space where I'm pretty much just be talking to myself that's also relatively disconnected from a majority of the rest of my life is pretty therapeutic. Nowhere else can I write 5 paragraphs about idk the sex appeal of Metal Sonic's hands or something, and not be yelled at for being weird (and if I do get yelled at for being weird GIANT DEATH LASER KILL). Also I need to actually post more things instead of just making 50 drafts each month and not having the confidence/motivation to actually finish or post most of them. Need to make my posts more unhinged too, need more Terriermon-button-core posts, I truly am at my peak 5 minutes after waking up, and after 30 hours of no sleep. I should probably also try to be less self-conscious about reblogging stuff, I have literally no reason to be and should do it more.

Extra special bonus goal: IF I DON'T FINISH EVERY SINGLE FUCKING VISUAL NOVEL THAT I'VE STARTED READING IN THE LAST 2 MONTHS BY THE END OF THE YEAR I'M GONNA yoshi I STARTED TOO MANY HELP

#imagine dragons more like imaghine magneton and tangela making out hamster dance style

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deeisace · 10 months

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Written at about 2am and then not posted, kept cs it's sleep-deprived stream-of-consciousness weirdness

---

Aw man I should not have stayed up to watch Deadloch

It is fuckin insane tho

And I'm having Thoughts that need to be Solved by Ao3

And also I have to leave for work in. 4 hours.

And also I really need the loo again but I'm scared of waking up the guy downstairs

The uh the plan is. To leave a bit earlier for work. And then go at the train station. Is the plan. :/

It's a bad plan and I acknowledge that. But it's where we're at today huh

(6am edit: you'll be pleased to know "the plan" did not go ahead, I have been brave enough to use my own goddamn lavatory. Fuckin insane behaviour)

I'm gonna need so many energy drinks to get through tomorrow. But at least I can go the loo at work I guess.

I'm fully aware I've constructed a bonkers situation for myself. Or like. Built my own on the guy downstairs' bonkersness. At least I'm aware of it?

Anyway I'm gonna uhhhhh go to Ao3 now. And suffer for a few more hours. Y'know. And not move an inch cs my bed is really creaky cs it's fuckin broken cs the one fella came to fix my window before I had a chair to stand on so he stood on my bed instead? Cs the windows are really fuckin high in this house

I miss sash windows. Like sometimes the rope inside will snap cs no-one's replaced it since at latest 1926, but at least you can still like reach to open the fuckers anyway, and all you need is a proppy uppy thing. I can't reach to open these windows without climbing on my bed/desk/toilet and there's no fuckin breeze comes through even you do get them open cs they're too high, and they're what's the word for cold drafty draugy fuckin english they don't work in winter either and they have wobbly handles but that's a good thing cs it's the only way I can reach enough to close them again

Anyway that should be okay soon cs they're getting replaced next month or when, but also that doesn't solve the problems I'm currently experiencing which is I'm not asleep and I really fuckin badly need a piss

I hope the fella downstairs only has a six-month contract an he fucks off after, cs even tho the windows are shitty and I live in one room I really fuckin love this house I don't want to move to another house

I've never lived in more than one room my own what do people do with space? Fill it with sofas, or something? Fuckin kitchen islands idk

I don't have the spends anyway like I could deffo go into my savings but I'd still have to work more and I don't want to do that I'm fuckin tired

I mean currently that is cs I've been awake for 21 hours apart from the standing up nod off on the train home, but that is not the point

Fuckin pay me more so I can be like alive and have a nice time and and and fuckin And at work they said if we got a certain amount of reviews this quarter then all the store staff would get a bonus each?

A few years ago it was just the management would, and then they changed it to say all staff, but the targets were still bullshit nonsense so no-one's ever got one, even our store manager who's got a funny little glass award on his desk for working at this company longer than I've been alive right, But! then they changed it to be an achievable thing, 100 reviews in 3 months and keep the average stars thing good, which we can do cs we've done it before it was a bonus thing but now it is, right

And then like two weeks ago, right when we were nearly got it like celebrating whooo ten left to get, the fuckers turned and said actually every single store in the area has to get the same thing for anyone to qualify for the bonus, which includes isle of mann which gets like one review every month or smth cs obviously reviews don't matter when you know the whole town and are just catching up with Joanie who's buying a new tarp or whatever, why would you ask Joanie to give you a review, it doesn't make sense, there's no point in it obviously, and it shouldn't effect anybody else on a whole different fuckin landmass. Explain to me the fuckin logic there. Fuckin head office fuckers

Give me the money you fuckin owe me for smiling at cunts as call me "darling" and misgender me to high fuckin heaven and back or I will find a new job

I mean. I won't, cs nowhere that's not fuckin dire as shit is hiring and also I don't know how to do business things myself and fuck going back to uni either

What's that post of I just want to have 17 hobbies or whatever like that

Or like. Make more shit and learn how to sell whatever fuckin weird shit I make

Also I miss the woods, cities are shit

Like phone reception is nice and you can buy more stuff I guess but everything is grey and shitty and I miss sitting in trees

I'll be better once I've slept at all I imagine, it's just when I'm tired I'm a grumpy fuck and I hate like all the stuff cs all the stuff is bullshit fuckin not really rat race or whatever you say cs my job is the lowest pressure you can get except when four different people want seven different pairs of shoes and there's a parcel needs getting and some fucker stops you on the stairs to ask inane questions about tent pegs and now you've forgotten a shoe you were sposed to get and actually now you're back with the non-waterproof kids shoes I asked for can I borrow some socks and what sandals would you recommend for Everest and one of the people who asked for leather boots has fully disappeared in a puff of smoke and will wander back from fuck-knows-where in five minutes while you're serving a family of ten at the till to demand why you didn't tell them you'd got the leather boots for them and actually I can feel my toes reaching the end of the boot I'm gonna need you to get me three sizes down from this and then I'll blame you for why I got blisters just from standing up somehow and there's an incredibly old man here to ask you to get some trousers down from the high shelf but the ASM's hidden the footstool again in a brand new place cs it's untidy to leave it where you can find it ever apparently and oh oh lovely some guy got bored waiting for the fitting room and is now trying tshirts on just stood around and someone's helpfully wrecked a display or two and half the sunglasses have been spirited out the door while you blinked and someone came to ask if a camping store sells pajamas and another twenty people have stormed out cs of the membership thing and and and

Tho tbf it's usually only like that at Xmas really, the rest of the time it's mostly dead

Well I'm gonna see if I can get 3 hours steep

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zoekrystall · 1 year

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Since a tweet put me in a short rage state here's a reminder if you do not care abt disabled people and just like. Your fellow humans in general. In this still ongoing pandemic then I do not want you near me. Keep masking get the vaccines.

Since our german government absolutely sucks at this and also the usa and various other ones is here a compilation of studies in case you don't know abt them. If being unaware or lies made you stop then my hatred is purely aimed at the ones that made you believe that and not you.

I have such a burning hatred for the govs anyways how likely most already do but this just amplified it for me. I cannot believe I thought germany would handle it better. Hate hate hate living in hell state bavaria.

(could prob write this neater but I am awake since 24h and will pass out now before splatfest focus but needed to get this out. under the cut is just angry talk. I want to keep the tumblr blog positive for the majority but welp)

I am like the only person still masking at the places I have to go to and I genuinely got nothing but hatred left after three fucking years. Am I disabled myself? I wouldn't be suprised if my ed worsened things but would personally still count myself as abled. Albeit less than a normal healthy one around my age. But either way it does not matter.

Why the fuck is it so hard to fucking care about others and not yourself why the fuck is a jab and a mask such a huge problem for some I am genuinely at the point where I want to push a knife through their heart and whatnot. Why the absolute hell should I still be nice to people that talk absolutely heartless about the death of others bc "oh they were already old/disabled/prob had smth anyways". Not a single life is disposable. An ex friend said oh they don't care if they themself die bc depression and like sorry not sorry but while this is an explanation is this absolutely not an excuse. If you get it can you give it to others who did not fucking consent to get roped into your death wish. Maybe I was too mean to him but it got tried nicer for months and it did not work. As if I can still spare any niceness. I want to strangle everyone who goes welp it doesn't concern me the most tho. Next to like all those fucking governments.

I got it once it was "mild" but I either way do not want it ever again or want to ever give it to literally anyone.

How I said yeah sure maybe nicer but I do have to admit I still wear this as some badge of honor.

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Ig you don't ever want to talk with me one on one abt this if you don't do anything. Other alters are nicer. That or way too burned out to even start anything anymore. In a pandemic do actions speak louder than words. I also just want to state I did in the end get him to wear a mask at least w me but I highly doubt he did when with others. Literally yanked him to make him stop so he first put his mask on I will absolutely get handsy. Glad he's gone.

#kill nazis kill terfs kill rich assholes etc yeah w you on that but not people that don't harm anyone #If you can't do either or both but would like to then this is not adressed at you #To make this at least a biiit nicer. I love how we got the sweet alters and then there's me who is the most not above murder #but alas. consequences.#I say the most since some are also not. No-one insystem thinks the snapping years ago was unjustified and all #But don't get the wrong idea this is v much a whole system stance. Do not try to become our friend if you leave disabled people in the dust #This is a mass eugenics event #And if you take part then fuck you #a wild lux appears

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kdipshit · 1 year

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Just keep writing ;

I blacked out lastnight, lol. I wasn’t scared to ask about how I was tho, I wasn’t scared to watch the videos, well I was scared, but I look really really happy but also kinda annoying lol. Apparently I was skulling the tequila, I don’t even have a memory of that. I don’t have much of a memory of anything, I hate that. I’m okay with my choice, my choices, I’m still going up. I’m excited to see 8 months again, getting into my normal routine was very hard this morning, my rooms still not clean, I’m getting thru it tho, washing my sheets, had a really nice shower washed my hair, and keeping my thoughts positive. I’m so grateful today for my body, for all I put it through, I’m also sorry to my body, I’m sorry to myself for filling it with toxins for no one’s benefit but my egos, im sorry for breaking my streak, I’m grateful that I restarted it. I feel a lot better knowing I wasn’t a dickhead and probably just embarrassed myself a little bit lol. That’s what I feel, embarrassed, my dad said he was disappointed in me for drinking, but he keeps me positive and on the right track. I feel like when I don’t remember things, and I black out, I feel anxious not knowing what I did, and how bizzare is it that I literally cannot remember a single thing, it’s ridiculous, I feel like I can use my experience as like a study on myself, which is what I enjoy doing a lot, look at everything from a science perspective lol. It’s fun.

I’m completely powerless over alcohol. I don’t feel like myself, but I’m still glad I drank, because I’m using it as a stepping stone, a learning curve. Makes me not want to drink again, not in a party. Not with my cousins, not in someone’s back yard, I know what I don’t want by doing them, and proving them.like a science experiment, I really don’t feel like myself at all. I want to live the life I’ve always wanted since a kid, I want success, I want to be a writer, I want to be stable, I want to play sports, I want to be healthy. I have all these issues but I also have hope, persistence, and faith in myself and my universe.

I feel like things don’t exist unless I write them, like i don’t pay attention to it unless I write it. And I have this horrible feeling in my stomach, that writing somehow fixes. My words to me are more important than anything else, and my investments to myself every single day do not fail to show improvements. I love who I am, I love where I’m going, my favourite food right now is roast potatoes, with lots of salt lmao.

Thank you god for the peace.

I’m also disappointed in myself a little bit because I let myself get to a point where I wasn’t thinking about anything else, completely powerless when it comes to alcohol. Good news is that I don’t need it, so being without it isint hard. I’m embarrassed at how drunk and sloppy I got. I’m extremely clumsy when drunk, probs coz my soul is not in my body lmao. I’m finding it easier to not smoke weed today, probs coz I still have alcohol in my system. I feel reset? In a good way, I’m letting go of everything, I wasn’t in my body last night, I don’t know where I go, I know it’s just like a switch In my brain but like spiritually speaking I don’t believe I was in my body. And I went away somewhere, roaming the endless black space until my body called for me back. I could have died. I’m an absolute beast when I’m blacked out, this is a good time to continue step 4…. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. Its hard to crack that one open, but idc as long as I’m writing. The fearless thing is what I can’t seem to shake, I’m scared. Uncomfortable, embarrassed. But fuck it, idc how I feel, lol. Just keep writing.

I feel born again, when I come back to my body with no memory. It’s scary. I don’t know what’s going on, how I got home…. My body is sore and I feel sick, I’m so excited to be sober again. Lol, thought I’d never hear the words…. I like what I do, I have so many goals, im literally doing the best I can which is amazing I’m doing so well, I’m not gonna let this effect me negatively at all. I’m so grateful. I feel very grateful for my awareness. I’m so happy with my writings, as rough as they are…. Am I even an alcoholic? Lol no I’m not, I’m not addicted to that feeling. Drinking stops a lot of feelings and makes me feel happy, but it’s not real, I’m not there. My ego is having a fkn field day lmao yanno what she deserved it she’s amazing too, now I realise I don’t need it. I don’t need it. I have a choice, everytime, and I make the right ones everytime. Every choice and decision is the right one that benefits me the most. I believe that. I love my messy writing. My handwriting is so beautiful and I get compliments all the time. I don’t even say the B word anymore. Even tho I feel it, I don’t say it, I’m not B word, I started saying ‘I need inspiration’ instead of the B word, honestly it didn’t really work lol, so I just stopped saying anything that might be negative in anyway lmaooo. I can’t be B word with time, appreciate the moment your in.

I’m listening to Tylers new album, fkn slaps of course, I appreciate the effort that goes into an album like Tylers, i have to give it up to Tyler every time, the discography is an art museum and of course I heard bastard. The first piano chord drew me in like pretreated carrying treats. Lol. Then I said to myself… fuck is he speaking to me? BLESSED just to played for the first time, beautiful. And I totally agree

Writing has also helped me to think more positively, because I only want to write positively, or like in a positive nature, my drug & alcohol therapist doesn’t think it’s a good idea lol. She wants me to keep it real, but I do keep it real… I’m just positive about it, hopefully I can finally let that thought go aswell lol it stays in my head coz I got triggered when she said that.

Not trying to impress anyone is so hard for me sometimes it’s all I think about. Always thinking about other people’s thoughts on me. Why, because I can’t have it? Lol. A child. I’m also grateful to my body for not being super dramatic after drinking, usually my mania and anxiety decided to rip thru life while I’m still getting rid of the alcohol that in my body, piss, shit or vomit it out. I thought I didn’t have a bad hangover because I didn’t drink much. But considering I was skulling the tequila I’m very grateful I didn’t have a killer headache, and almost die of death, I felt good enough to be able to look after myself and I did just that. Thank you for taking care of me. I love and trust you very much. The world is beautiful and life is truly amazing. Just like Tyler’s new album lol, thank you so much Tyler for dropping this masterpiece and making my life a little better. If writing is all I do today, I’ve done enough. Though I should study today.

I’m probably gonna be single forever so I’m just looking for someone funny to have around lol. Kind of like a boyfriend but not my boyfriend, lol. I’m single by CHOICE my guy, i have em lined up.. nah I’m kidding I’m a wallflower… nah I’m not… because I don’t want to be ahahahah. I need to remember that I didn’t ruin anything because I chose to drink. Imagine how gross it smells inside your body…. Ew lol, coz like my room smelt like roast potatoes before, and I just finished the potatoes and now I can’t smell it anymore… coz I swallowed the smell…. Hahahahaah wtf, I don’t feel myself living my head, I feel myself living in the moment, I feel so different, my mind feels different, i think I may have cracked the code lol. I can’t live someone else’s life, and I can’t try. I must work on my own life, for my own reasons. I’m very excited to receive my ‘big book’ that a church organisation donated to me.

I don’t have a desire to be ‘locked in’ with anybody. I’m so happy to be single, I’m comfortable being single, I don’t like anyone else :) that was such a hard and long lesson to learn, but I genuinely am so happy on my own, adding a person into my life stresses me out, and no one is worth it to me.

‘Sobriety is everything alcohol promised me’ ha, beautiful.

Music is also very important in my life, the type of music is also important, I don’t listen to bullshit anymore. I listen to art. I see music as art, I treat it as art, I appreciate it like art.

I could have really hurt myself last night…. I need to be more careful. I gave in, but I’m okay and I’m starting again now… maybe I needed this day, like I needed to get snapped back into reality, my beautiful reality. I’m not a bad person, I have been but that’s not who I am. I’m not an anxious person, I’m not a depressed person, I’m not an idiot. I’m confident, I’m happy, I’m free, I’m sensitive, I’m maternal, I’m a safe place. I’m know I’m gonna be rich soon. I need to be more assertive, I need to work on that. Because I’m too scared to do anything to talk to anyone, but I need to otherwise I won’t get anything. I need to pull up to my job and get some hours so I can do what I what I’m already doing, but better. I’m already doing everything I want to do, I’m studying my ass off, I’m writing everyday, I’m so happy with myself.

Stop trying to be someone you’re not. You’re weird, it’s safe to be weird. Be happy with your uniqueness, don’t ever forget your gorgeous inside and out. I love the fucking way I write it’s so refreshing and funny lol. Maybe I’m the only one but I’m funny.

I obviously have to be on the same page with someone in order to be in a relationship with them, and I’m just not on these bitches page, yanno I think im a completely different book, that’s why I never fit these standards, im different. Different than ‘normal’ im different, im not bad because im different. I can only sleep with someone if they’re my friend and make me laugh hahahahaha. Doesn’t exist mate, therefore, I don’t sleep with anyone hahaah. Just be me man, just be me. I feel real life right now. I’ve been super gentle with myself today, it’s rough but I’m still smiling

The absolute best thing I can do for myself is write it out. Write it out. RIDE IT OUT. IVE LITERALLY BEEN SAYING RIDE IT OUT EVERY TIME I FEEL BOMBARDED WITH EMOTIONS, which I haven’t actually had a problem with for a while…. I’m super medicated, oh speaking of medication, I’m running low on weed, ahhhh. Nah lol I’m not really freaking out about that either. I guess I might.. nah I won’t even say it.. well I kinda just did fam, lol, I don’t believe it tho, that’s crackhead moments, I don’t freak out over no weed, writing actually takes me away just as well. Even better because of all its benefits. Ugh they’re the same hhaahahah omg I love writing as much as I love weed bro, wawwww I’ve come so far, I really really have. I don’t freak out over having no weed now**** as in, im gonna try not freak out tomorrow when it’s gone, and come to writing instead. Slow down. I’m a completely different person compared to the person I was yesterday morning. Everything has changed, everything has shifted, I’m on new grounds, I know everything is working out for me. I’ve avoided the computer all day, my room was a pigsty when I woke up. I have fresh sheets now :)

Im back at the computer hehe, its a mess over here. Brb. even just a small genuine conversation with myself, is so loved, I can barely hear or think its so crowded, its like I’m confused, but when everything slows down, I can actually see my thoughts as clouds because nothing else matters. I can hear myself think, I think thats what I’m trying to say lol. Its a nice noise. The quiet. The simpleness of it all, I love all my moments, I’m okay with every moment, and every version of myself that presents itself. Ummmmm…. I feel like writing I’m suicidal, sometimes those kind of feelings just don’t shake they just keep coming back, its uncomfortable, and hard to resist the pros, which is ; I don’t have to feel that any more. I know not to act, I have learnt not to try and act, its not my exit. But it gets dangerous for me, and so when I’m suicidal, the hospital would be the best place, I feel safe locked away by myself, nurses are nice and patients are friendly. Lol, I loved my last stay in the hospital, I wrote a lot when I was in there, I really enjoyed being alone, I felt safe with my nurse, I felt safe in my room, I felt free, I was writing, I was sober (forcefully) but I loved it, I jus needed to be alone and have someone come check on me and give me meds like I was living the life tbh. It was amazing, and I left, because my mum told me to, and went to work Monday like nothing happened. That is where I went wrong, I left the hospital, if I had just stayed, who knows my entire life might have been different, coz once I left, I had the most manic episode lasting a solid 3-4 months. heavily drinking nearly every single day, I was doing 4 day benders one day off. I didn’t even get sick it was like I got the right to drink because I didn’t get hungover and I was high functioning. I would love to sit at the table with her. I was always outside on the fkn table, getting pissed. With my ini now folks, lol. Jesus, lol. I was the stereotypical Maori on the piss all the fun time, a messsssss, a mess. I couldn’t even imagine the kind of things I would have done, not remembering at all. I didn’t care about anything, I had no thoughts, I had no worries, I had money, like I was living it the fuck up, in the bush land lol, some crazy memories from that episode, the crash was hard, oof. I am not a violent person, but liquor does something to me, I guess my ego gets hurt and I switch and I’m violent. Its a very hard switch to switch when I’m sober, or smoking, like I’m never mad like that with anyone, its easy to flip when I’m drunk.i think I needed to get drunk, to write this, to write everything I ever write in the future, its a big ripple effect I have created, and I’m so excited.

I didn’t think we would ever move from my small town in New Zealand. so moving countries, took a big toll on me, I remember specifically asking my mum as a child if we were moving countries and she said she would never, and then its like a couple months later and I have to say goodbye to everything I know, I just finished primary school and was headed to intermediate and go to the school I have always wanted to go to, the school I couldn’t wait to go to, all my friends were going, it was going to be perfect. It was far from perfect, my transition between the two countries it was a culture shock. I was so confused but I was very happy to be with my family, at least I still had my family. For a little bit before I went through puberty and got sexually assaulted by a family member. Which I think I’m healed enough to talk about, I’m still very confused about it, Im still trying to figure out how to heal fully, or just be okay in my truth, yes its uncomfortable, its not my fault. But lets look at the things I can do; react differently. Not using my thoughts to cover my pain. There are many different versions of me to go back to and help. I have the ability to. I can be the one thats there for me… at least I know ill show up, lol. Show up for yourself every single day.

I really have been writing all day, my title makes me want to not stop, its kind of a good hack,

#blogging #new blog #mental health #actually bipolar #actually borderline #mental instability #actually bpd #original post #original writing #original words #alcohol #alcoholic

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kingofthewolvez · 2 years

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tbh it seems to me like the whole thing is a misunderstanding that accidentally went nuclear. and no matter what it's not an excuse for fans to be shitty towards a stranger over it? like, forgetting Cleo for a minute, the way everyone is acting over it is inexcusably fucked up, they've gone out of their ways to publicly say rude things to and about a complete stranger and that is so far over the line.

also, speaking as someone who's been there, having such a significant and long-standing interest ruined in a singular explosive instant like that is one of the worst feelings imaginable and I am so sorry that happened to you. if there's anything I can do to help, my messages are always open. <3

Thank you so much, it really means a lot when so many people won’t hear you out and then someone does :) I’ve been trying really hard not to ruin HC for myself since I do have projects related to it that I need to finish! Obv Mumblr 2 which I will never give up on especially since it’s almost done, and I also have a fic with like 15,000 unpublished words and that’s not even the whole thing. I’m def doing better now than I was when it first happened, like even a single thought of HC made me start crying again, which is really hard when it’s your hypfix lol. I’m doing better now but I can definitely feel that it’s getting to the end of the road and it’s gonna be really hard for it to be anything more than a casual interest and some personal kin stuff w me. It’s really sad that all these people didn’t stop to think about the situation and just messed up my interest for me :(( I’m sorry Cleo has to go through all this, too. Even tho she started it I’m sure she really didn’t think all these people would act this way and just made some poor decisions too.

#✉ you’ve got mail! ~ asks

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ericspinkhair · 3 years

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guys my age don’t know how to love me good

pairing: dom!juyeon x noona!reader

synopsis: lee juyeon is the only guy who makes sex worth it

word count: 3.1k

warnings: noona kink, mentions of toxic and abusive sex, deep throating, no mentions of protection (wrap it before you tap it), inexperienced/unsure reader

a/n: this is for @rolezeure + anon

requests are open!!

masterlist + requests

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'y/n, I swear to god if you won't come to this party with me I will actually never talk to you ever again. you know what this is?' your best friend siyeon dramatically held up a pair of scissors. 'scissors, to cut our friendship.'

'but what am I supposed to even do there?' you scoffed. parties were stupid 'I don't know how to talk to people.'

'you don't need to talk, dumbass. you get drunk, grind on some hot dude and get laid.' siyeon rolled her eyes as she was so done with you.

'as if that is supposed to convince me to go. sex is completely overraded, my dude. it just hurts and the guys don't even care. as long as they get off on you it's fine.' you had not have had any positive experiences with sex. it usually hurt, the guys were rough and didn't really care if you were crying. there wasn't any pleasure you associated with it.

'that's cause you've been with only toxic men. but please, come with me! it's way too awkward to go alone and I need a hype woman. Sangyeon will be there. I cannot miss the opportunity to get with mr. dilf. have you seen him? he is sooo hot, y/n. I might never have another opportunity like this. and I need a lot of alcohol in my system first before I can initiate something,' she whined. she gave you the best puppy eyes she could to make you give in.

you knew your friend had been eyeing sangyeon for weeks. siyeon had tripped the first time she saw him and had to wipe away the drool from her chin. she then memorized his schedule and you would always have to watch him from afar. however, she could not utter a single comprehensible sentence without alcohol if she was nervous but when she was drunk she was the most sociable and flirty person and always got with whom she wanted.

sangyeon was usually never to be found at parties but this particular one was for his friend's birthday so siyeon knew he would show up. who knows if she would ever see him again, after all, he had just graduated from college and would be leaving campus. this was her last opportunity. you sighed.

'fine,' you finally gave in. she squealed and hugged you so tightly that you had trouble breathing.

'omg, I love you so much, y/n! you're a lifesaver. I owe you big big time.'

'you certainly do.'

you tried to convince yourself that maybe a party was just what you needed. finals were finally over and you were on your well deserved break before you started your last year of college.

a week later, the two of you took a cab to the party location. you arrived at a huge mansion that must have cost a huge ton of money. it felt like thousands of people were there, getting drunk and going skinny dipping in the gigantic pool. you recognized some of the people. you didn't really know them but you often saw them walk around on campus.

when you entered the house some dudes whistled at you. ew. you definitely had to get a drink to be able to stand all these gross men lurking around here. at least you had your pepper spray with you. better safe than sorry.

siyeon and you found the bar and immediately downed a couple of shots. the alcohol burned in your throat as you drank one after the other. your friend needed the effects alcohol brings with it quickly.

'have you found him already?' you scream over the music at siyeon.

'no, he's nowhere to be seen… maybe he's not here at all' she was pouting.

I grabbed her by the arm. 'come on. let's go search for him somewhere else. hmm, maybe he's outside?' you dragged her through the mass of people. she was gonna get laid tonight, you were gonna make sure of it.

the backyard was just as crowded but at least you got some fresh air. a lot of people were grinding on each and making out in the pool and hot tub.

'oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. he's there!' siyeon whisper shouted at you.

'where?' you couldn't find him in the crowd.

'over there next to the huge ass plant. he's standing next to jacob.' ah, you saw him. him and jacob were engaged in a deep conversation and occasionally sipped on their drinks.

siyeon just grabbed a drink out of a passing person's hand, ignore the complains and drank it all in one go.

'I need more.' so you went to get more alcohol before you could convince her that now was the time.

'how do I look? is my makeup smudged? do I look enough like 'daddy, I've been a good girl. pls choke me?' she kept on trying to flatten her hair hastily.

'you look absolutely gorgeous, girl. go get him, tiger.' she did look stunning. the red lipstick matched with her bold red dress. it was short and showed a lot of cleavage. her beautiful curves were perfectly highlighted and if sangyeon didn't drool over her then you would seriously have to buy him new eyes.

you high-fived each other and then she went to go on her mission.

you watched how he scanned her up and down, taking in her beauty, when she approached him and then smiled brightly. she touched his muscular arms as he said something that made her laugh. he seemed to be enjoying her company jacob, who had understood what was going on, had joined his other friends kevin and eric on the dance floor inside.

'who are we spying on?' someone whispered in your ear, making you jump and almost spill your drink. rude.

'oh, seeing if my best friend's gonna get laid tonight like she'd hoped to. seems positive so far.' the guy who had come up to you nodded interested. you had no idea who he was but you didn't exactly mind his company. he was a handsome fellow, with a face sculpted by the gods. his dark blue hair made him stand out even more.

'so what are you gonna do if she leaves with him? are you just going to leave?' he asked.

you shrugged your shoulders. 'probably. she's the only reason I came to this god awful party.'

'oh, you don't like it?' he raised his eyebrows.

'no, it's too full, it's too loud and I'm bored. who even is this guy who threw this party. I actually have no idea who he is,' you complained about everything. he seemed to become more amused as you went on.

'then allow me to introduce myself. hey, my name is juyeon.' he held out his hand.

'what does that have to do with- oh my god this is YOUR party!' you realized in shock. your face was burning with embarrassment. but he didn't seem to mind at all and just laughed light heartedly.

'yeah, I'm sorry you don't like it. if you like I could take you somewhere quieter with less people.' oh dude, he was flirting. why? you did look hot as fuck in your short black dress but you had literally just insulted his party.

'I'm sorry I'm not really up for sex or whatever it is you're offering.' you scratched your neck awkwardly. you wouldn't mind if he visited you in your dreams sometimes tho to have a good time.

'that's too bad. I was hoping I could make you feel good.' he brushed a finger over your cheek.

'I doubt you could. no one ever has.' he snorted at that.

'how old even are you?' you asked him.

'19, you don't have to worry. I'm a legal adult. you?' 'almost 21.'

'ooh, that's fun! are you sure you don't want to spend some private time with me, noona?' that was fucking unfair. he was using this noona thing to get you to give in. he knew exactly what he was doing and you could feel yourself getting aroused.

'I just don't think sex is right for me. it just hurts and doesn't do anything to make me feel good,' you explained to him.

'seems like you've only been with douchebags. I have a 100% rate of making women come. you should try and see for yourself, noona.' his lustful gaze stared deep into your soul, making your legs wobbly.

it seemed so tempting. he was super hot and couldn't help but notice the outline of his abs on his shirt. the alcohol was also encouraging you to make some bad decisions and step out of your comfort zone. this man somehow made you super horny with his toned body and god like face, whether you liked it or not. you caught yourself seriously considering going with him.

'here's a proposal. I give you head and if you're not satisfied with my services we can just stop there.' he leaned down and whispered in my ear. 'I would love to hear you scream my name, noona.'

his offer actually didn't sound too bad. juyeon might just be more skilled than the rest of the men you had slept with, who knew. you didn't have anything better to do anyways so you might as well see if he can make you feel good.

'where do we go?' you finally asked after staying silent to keep a suspenseful silence. his eyes lit up and he grabbed your hand. he led you back inside, up the stairs and into the room on the far right.

you could see posters of football player, trophies and pictures. this was obviously his room.

you didn't have much time to look around as he locked the door and kissed you

you were surprised by just how not slimy it was. usually, the guys would always try to wet your whole face and you had to wipe your mouth every other second.

but he started off soft and placed his hands on your hips. you put your arms around his neck to get closer to him and deepen the kiss.

his hands started roaming your body and when he squeezed your ass, you let out a moan. juyeon took this opportunity to slip his tongue inside your open mouth.

the kissing made you dizzy and you desperately tugged at him to get him closer to you. he picked you up and held you up against the wall. you let your hands wander under his shirt and started tracing his abs while grinding your core against him. you could feel his dick harden with your movements.

juyeon carried you to the bed and slowly let you down so you laid on your back. while he quickly took off his shirt you tried to catch your breath after the intense make out. you didn't have long to admire his muscular upper body before he lifted the dress so you were only there in your underwear.

he startes placing open mouth kiss from your collar bones, to your boobs, to your stomach until he reached the hem of your panties. he made sure to keep eye contact as he put the fabric between his teeth and slowly pulled them down like this. you felt cold air hitting your core.

'so pretty, noona,' he admired your clearly dripping pussy. he dragged one finger over your lips to see just how wet you were.

'I haven't even touched you yet but you are already so wet for me. I told you I'd make you feel good. I'll show you just how much, noona.' and with that he dove right in between your lips to prove his point. the feeling of his tongue fucking you was unfamiliar. no guy had ever even cared to get you wet and pleasure you before actually having sex.

Juyeon was desperately devouring your juices as if he hadn't drunk for ages. additionally he started massaging your clit with his thumb, knowing exactly what a woman likes. he had to hold down your hips to keep you stable because you were trying to buck up into his face as it felt so good. every time his nose came into contact with your clit while licking you felt like you were losing control.

involuntary moans were spilling out of your mouth and you could feel juyeon smirking against your core.

suddenly, he slipped a finger inside you and started slowly pumping it in and out of you. it felt a bit uncomfortable at first but you got used to it quite quickly and when he noticed, he slipped a second finger inside. damn, those were some long ass fingers.

your pussy made squelching sounds which you couldn't care less about in the moment as he rapidly fucked you with his long digits. you were pulling at his hair as he took your bud between his teeth, alternating between softly biting and sucking on it.

you suddenly couldn't take it anymore and your orgasm washed over your body like a wave and juyeon slowly continued until you had fully come down from your high.

he sat up straight again. 'I promised I could make you feel good, didn't I? god, you look so hot when you come, noona.' fuck, where did he learn to do all this? maybe he was right after all.

you noticed that his nose was coated in your juices but he didn't seem to care at all. 'do you want to continue?'

'only if you can make me come again,' you challenged him.

he scoffed. 'that's not even a question, noona.'

he quickly unbuckled his belt and pulled down his pants. the shape of his bulge was clearly visible through his underwear. you reached inside and whipped out his already hard dick. you gulped.

'it's so big,' you whispered afraid. he was bigger than the other guys you had slept with and if they had already hurt you then his cock would probably hurt even worse.

he stroked your hair out of your face. 'don't worry. I've already prepared well so you should be able to take it without a problem. I'll make sure to go slow to not hurt you, okay?' you needed to trust him. it seemed like he actually knew what he was doing.

you gave his dick a couple of strokes to see how he reacted before you wrapped your lips around his leaking tip. seeing juyeon throw his head back gave you the encouragement you desperately needed to go forward.

you took him all the way until you started gagging. this was something you were good at. you started deep throating him and he moaned out your name.

'fuck, noona. you are so good with my cock.' he brushed your hair to the side so you it wouldn't be in the way when you sucked him off.

you noticed that he tried to control himself but couldn't refrain himself from bucking up his hips a few times, making you gag.

he then stopped you. 'I can't come yet. I need to show you how proper sex is done first.'

you laid down on your back and he positioned himself between your legs. he pressed your arms down next to your head and intertwined his fingers with yours.

'are you ready?' you gave him a nod.

'just squeeze my hand if it hurts.'

he slowly pushed his tip inside. you shut your eyes tightly and juyeon stopped to give you time.

'no, no. go all the way in first,' you whined.

his dick filled your walls up to the brim. you tried to calm down your heavy breathing. you squeezed his hands in pain and he held still. juyeon placed a kiss on your mouth.

'you're doing so well, noona.', he praised you. 'just tell me when you feel ready to go.'

it did hurt but not quite as much as the other times. and no one had ever waited for you to actually adjust before beginning to pound into you.

juyeon distracted you with kisses and as you started getting more comfortable you slowly started moving your hips against him. you gave him a slight nod to tell him he could continue.

he still started off with a moderate tempo and you needed more.

'faster!' you urged him and he picked up the pace. the way he snapped his hips made you see stars.

the pain was now completely gone and you were lost in your own pleasure.

when he started thrusting into you from behind, he hit spots inside you you had never felt before. the new position allowed him to go even deeper and faster than before.

you moaned surprised as he spanked you.

'you like this, noona?' you could only groan out his name to show him how you felt.

the knot in your stomach became tighter and tighter.

'I think I'm coming!' you manage to get out.

'come for me, noona!' with that he went into overdrive and fucked into you like a machine.

your arms gave in as your walls clenched around his huge cock tightly and you came hard while screaming his name.

he rode out your orgasm and then pulled out. he stroke his dick fast and shot his big load on your butt and back.

he lay down next to you exhausted. his fingers wiped away the tears of pleasure you didn't know you had cried.

'did I make you feel good, noona?' 'more than just good,' you admitted satisfied.

'I guess guys my age just don't know how to treat me.' he hummed in agreement.

'that makes no sense. you are absolutely gorgeous. they missed out on the opportunity to see your beautiful face when you come.' this was weird. he was still nice to you even after he already came. what was this?

'thank you for making my birthday wish come true,' he said. 'huh, what do you mean?' you questioned him.

'actually, I've noticed you on campus before but I was always too shy to talk to you.' 'oh really?' you laughed sceptically.

'yeah, I wanted to ask you on a date first but it seems like we skipped a couple of steps.' he was blushing. gosh, he was kind of adorable.

'I mean we could still go on those dates if you'd like, birthday boy.' strangely enough you felt like you could trust him and kind of wanted to get to know juyeon as a person.

'awesome,' he smiled at you before he pecked your lips and went to clean you both up.

you had completely forgotten about siyeon. hopefully, her night had been just as satisfying as yours had been.

#the boyz juyeon smut #the boyz juyeon scenario #the boyz smut #the boyz scenario #lee juyeon smut #lee juyeon scenario #smut #kpop #kpop smut #kpop scenario

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wlwmarvelenthusiast · 3 years

Note

Could you do carol x fem!reader but like so angsty that I can cry myself to sleep even tho I’m on antidepressants and can’t feel anything but plz let there b a happy ending thank u so much love u

I'm not sure if this qualifies as angst but here's a draft I had that I edited a little to fit the request. I hope it does the trick :)

It Wasn't For You

Summary: A mission gone horribly wrong drives a wedge between you and Carol. Is the bond fixable, or are the things you both said unforgivable?

Pairing: Carol Danvers x Reader

Warnings: Language

Word Count: 2,998

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You weren't sure what that emotion was that was boiling in your blood as you stormed back to your apartment. Was it worry? Were you just upset? You let it sit with you a moment as you unlocked the door. It wasn't either one of those things. It was rage. It was hot, unbridled rage. The cause of it was a certain Avenger who you had thought loved you enough to not do what she'd done. Clearly, she hadn't.

She was right behind you, stepping through the doorway before you could slam it behind you. You growled under your breath as she invited herself into your home, closing the door only once she was in. You didn't even bother turning to face her. You went straight to the bar and poured yourself a drink, not offering her one and not planning to let her touch a single drop of your alcohol. You took a sip of the hard liquor.

"Would you listen to me for one goddamn second?" She huffed out.

"I listened to you for multiple seconds, Carol. It doesn't change any facts."

"I did it for you!"

"I don't give a fuck."

Truly and honestly, you didn't. What she'd done was immoral, infuriating, and wholly unforgivable. She could get down on her knees right there in front of the bar and you wouldn't have batted an eyelash. It wouldn't be enough. In fact, you were convinced that nothing would be enough for you to forgive her. It didn't matter how much you had loved her yesterday or the day before. It didn't how much you loved her today.

"I'd do it again," she assured.

"Then I would do this again," you turned to finally face her, eyes locking with the brown ones that could usually instill a sense of peace in your chest, but today seemed to have no effect. "We're done, Carol. I think it'd be best if you left, please."

You could practically hear her heart dropping into her stomach. There was a part of you that ached to bring her into your arms and soothe that hurt look off her face. You knew better. That piece of you would fade eventually. You'd learn not to love her anymore. In fact, you could probably learn how to hate her. The boiling rage that was flowing through your very veins could assist you with learning that.

"Please-"

"I'm asking you to go," you said, firmer this time. "Please, get out."

If she'd had a tail to tuck between her legs, she absolutely would have. She didn't even bother to protest again. The expression you'd plastered on your face made it clear it wouldn't have done anything anyway. She slowly made toward the door. Her hand touched the doorknob and she cast her gaze back to you once more. You didn't dare let your features soften. You could've sworn there were tears in her eyes as she turned the doorknob and left.

You breathed out as the door closed behind her, finally daring to let tears streak down your cheeks.

*

You stared down the super soldier, neither of you wanting to speak first. He was the team leader though, and basically your boss. You knew even if he was the first one to speak, you were going to be the one spilling everything. You didn't want to, not one bit, but you knew you were going to have to anyway. You wondered if you had the strength to talk about it. You wondered if he had the strength to listen to your recollection of events.

"I just need to know what happened so when they ask-"

"Fuck, Steve! Natasha fucking died and we're sitting here having this stupid conversation," you shouted, rising to your feet, tossing the papers in front of you off the table, and moving to the window. "I have a goddamn funeral to plan!"

"Look, neither of us wants to talk about this, but we have to!"

You sighed, clasping your hands behind your back as you looked out at the compound grounds. There were agents training, running laps around the building. Sam was the one guiding them, seeming to enjoy barking orders at them. You tore your gaze away from a sight that seemed to have lost its beauty now that Natasha wasn't there alongside the Falcon, chuckling with him as they watched the new recruits huff and puff.

"It was me or her and Carol chose me," you finally gave. "I was what would have been fatally outnumbered and Natasha was down. She was in the jet. Carol could have either gone and stopped the jet from crashing, or she could pull me out and neutralize the enemy. She chose the latter. That's what happened. Happy?"

"I need your report."

"I need to plan Natasha's funeral!"

You stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind you. You let out the breath that had been stuck in your chest, leaning your head against the wall and shutting your eyes. It hadn't been an easy couple of days. You'd have been surprised if you'd gotten more than three hours of sleep in the last three nights combined. Somehow, though, you still didn't feel tired. You felt a lot of things, but that wasn't one of them.

As if losing Natasha wasn't hard enough, you were also grappling with crippling amounts of anger and guilt. Natasha should have been the one that was saved. She was the obvious choice, and yet here you stood, and Natasha was gone. The anger, though? That was all for Carol. She had promised you that her relationship with you wouldn't have affected her at work, but it had. She'd saved you when she should have saved Natasha and all of those people in the impact zone.

"Can we talk?"

Speak of the devil.

You opened your eyes, using your shoulder blades to push yourself away from the wall. Immediately your entire stance got defensive. You crossed your arms over your chest. You watched as she searched your eyes in hopes of being able to read them like she usually did, but knew it would be to no avail. You didn't want her to know anything about what you were feeling. She didn't deserve to know what you were feeling. All she deserved was to be on the receiving end of your rage.

"No. I told you we're done, Danvers. We don't need to talk anymore."

"I'm not letting you go that easy."

"You don't have a damn choice!" You laughed humourlessly. "You can't stop me. You don't own me, and you definitely don't own my heart."

With that, you stepped around her, walking toward the doors of the compound. You could hear her footsteps trailing behind you. You didn't bother to turn around and glance at her, or even open your mouth to tell her to go away. You just let her follow you as if she were going to get something out of you. She wasn't going to. The last thing you wanted to do was hear some sort of failed explanation as to why she'd decided to save you. You knew why. It was because she couldn't separate home and work. You never should have trusted her to be able to.

You stepped out into the sunlight, cursing the sky for being so bright and sunny when it felt like it should be dark and gloomy. A storm cloud and roaring thunder might appropriately match the way you felt inside. Instead, you were forced to pull your sunglasses down over your eyes as you headed back toward your car, feeling you could use the walk toward it instead of making it come to you- a feature Tony has insisted you needed. As you arrived though, Carol finally reacted.

"Jesus Christ, would you hear me out?" She said, anger in her voice as she grabbed your wrist.

"Let go of me."

"Talk to me."

"I already said no. Let go of me," you demanded.

You ripped your arm out of her grasp, glaring at her as she retracted her arm. You unlocked your car, getting into the front seat. You didn't even glance at Carol as you started the engine, put the car into drive, and pulled out of your spot, leaving her behind.

*

It was early when you woke up the next morning, and immediately your day went different than normal. Your eyebrows furrowed when you stepped out of your bedroom and found an envelope slipped under your apartment door. It was completely unmarked. You knew the danger of anything unmarked. You were an Avenger. You couldn't find it in you to care, though. Without Carol's arms around you, you tossed and turned. Losing Natasha hurt so much more without Carol there to hold you through it. But it was her fault.

You reached down and picked up the envelope. You sliced it open with the knife that was resting on the table beside the front door. What you pulled out was a single piece of lined paper. It had clearly been ripped out of someone's notebook, the torn rings hanging off the left side. You unfolded the paper and immediately recognized Carol's handwriting inside. You crumpled it up and prepared to throw it, but then you hesitated.

She wasn't there. You didn't have to talk to her. You didn't want to talk to her one bit, but you were dying to hear her side of the story. This way, you didn't have to risk breaking and losing yourself to emotion in front of her. You uncrumpled the paper and held it out in front of you. You took a deep breath and let your gaze drift over Carol's familiar handwriting once before you moved your eyes to the top of the page.

Y/N,

I really hope you didn't throw this out. I suppose if you're reading this, you didn't.

I know you don't want to talk to me. If I were you, I might not want to talk to me either. Your best friend died and it is entirely and completely my fault. I know that. It is my fault. I could have saved her, and I didn't. I just need you to know why.

I know you think that I broke my promise. I promised you, Steve, and every Avenger, including Natasha, that I would never let our relationship affect our work. It must seem like I failed to do that. I didn't break that promise. I love you. I do. But I wouldn't do that.

I knew that saving Natasha was more likely to be successful than saving you. Saving her would have meant saving those three civilians too. Not saving you, though, meant that they would have gotten away, and it meant they would have killed dozens of our agents on their way out. There were so many of them. They outgunned our men by too much. I didn't do it for you. I did it for them.

It breaks my heart that I couldn't save her. If I could have given my life for hers, I'd have done it in a heartbeat. If choosing her over you had been the right choice, I'd have done it. I promise you that.

I love you, even if you can't love me back.

- C

*

Tears spilled from your eyes as the empty casket was lowered into the ground. When a hand brushed ever so lightly against yours, you stiffened. You glanced for a moment over at the woman beside you. Those brown eyes were locked on you as well, for a moment, before turning back to the burial. You took a deep breath before moving, threading your fingers between hers. You pulled a little closer to her.

Maybe you should have listened to her. That letter you'd received yesterday had been a lot to think about. You'd been so angry with Carol because she'd closed you over Natasha and you'd been selfish enough to think it was because she couldn't separate her feelings for you from work. When you'd found out that wasn't the case, it had taken away all your reason to be angry at her. What happened to Natasha wasn't her fault.

Once the red had faded, you'd realized how stupid you'd been being. Carol had obviously been hurting and you'd been gatekeeping pain because you'd been blaming yours on her. The guilt stewing in her gut was probably millions of times worse than yours. She'd had to make that choice out in the field. It was the right choice, you saw now, but that would never matter. You knew how that felt, and you'd pushed her away and left her to deal with it alone. You wouldn't blame her if she couldn't forgive you for that.

When the funeral ended and people started heading toward the reception, you stayed glued to the spot. You could tell Carol wasn't sure what to do. Her hand had tried to pull away to give you space, but this time it was you that didn't let her leave you. The hand that was in hers tightened enough that she got the message. You had to wonder if she'd stay to hear it. As always, though, she was better than you. Her efforts to move away stopped.

You stayed silent for a moment, standing in that position and wondering what to say. There might not have been words enough to express just how sorry you were. There might not have been anything you could say that would make her forgive you. You deserved that, though. You broke up with her. There was no obligation for her to take you back and you hadn't given her any reason to want to. You were the one who had pushed.

"I'm sorry, Carol," you muttered, knowing full well that wasn't enough. "I'm sorry for everything. I was selfish."

"I get it," she admitted. "It's okay."

She was better than you.

But it wasn't okay. What you'd done to her was far from okay. You'd taken one look at the guilty relief in her eyes after that mission and decided that she'd sacrificed Natasha for you. She was allowed to be relieved. You would have been, if the roles had been reversed. Just because you lost Natasha, didn't mean Carol wasn't allowed to be a little relieved that the love of her life survived. Now, you didn't get to be that.

"Baby... Carol, I just wanted you to know that I read what you wrote and I'm sorry for how I'd reacted. I'm sorry I didn't stop to hear you out before that and I'm sorry I pushed you away when you were obviously hurting."

She dared to pull you a little closer. "You can still call me Baby."

You had to let out a light chuckle at that, despite the tears on your face. You wondered if you were mourning Natasha or your relationship with Carol. Whatever the case, she reached out and brushed the pad of her thumb across your cheek. You couldn't resist leaning a little harder into her hand. She got the message, opening her hand and cupping your cheek, her palm pressing delicately against your skin and her thumb continued to trace your cheekbone.

"You were hurting too," she assured quietly. "You reacted that way because you were grieving. You needed someone to blame."

"It shouldn't have been you."

"I was easy," she said, hands sliding down so they were both in yours. "I could have saved her and I didn't. Whatever reasoning I might have had, that was the truth."

"I'm supposed to love you."

"You don't love me?" She questioned.

"I do! Of course I love you, Carol. But I haven't been great at doing that recently. I should have-"

"You love me and you were grieving your friend. That's it. And I love you too," she said, squeezing your hands. "Can we stop being broken up now?"

She was standing in front of you, a tiny smile on her lips, and forgiving you. She was asking you to take her back, like it wasn't supposed to be you on your knees begging for her forgiveness. You stepped forward, taking your hands out of hers so you could instead put them on her cheeks, and pulled her toward you until your lips had met. She kissed you back immediately, her hands finding your hips. She pulled away from you.

"So yes?" She said, a hint of teasing in her voice. "Because Natasha got us together and breaking up for good over her casket would not be honouring her memory very well."

"No, it wouldn't," you said, leaning your head onto her shoulder. You looked down at the wooden casket. "I miss her so much already, Carol."

"I know. Me too, Honey."

Your heart felt the slightest bit lighter now. You would've given anything for Natasha to be okay. The fact that she was gone still felt like a knife through the chest. At least now, though, you had Carol to hold you at night and kiss the tears off your cheeks. She had you to do the same for her. That was all either of you could do. Now, only time could lessen the pain. Carol put her arms around you and held you closer.

Just as you went to tell her once again that you loved her, her phone rang. She pulled it from her pocket, frowning at the number that was coming from outside the country. She showed it to you and you took the phone from her.

"Hello?"

"Did it work? Do they think I'm dead?" Said the so familiar voice.

You glanced up at Carol, sure the shock on her face matched yours.

"Natasha, what the hell-"

"We've got a new mission. Are you and your lovebird up for it?"

Carol kissed your cheek and then spoke to the woman on the phone. "Absolutely."

#carol danvers #captain marvel #carol danvers x reader #marvel #mcu #wlw #lesbian #pride

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itsmadamehydra · 3 years

Text

My Savior || Wayne McCullough

A/N: Just some teenage girl trying to write the story inside her head, hope u like it.

Pairing: Wayne McCullough x oc

Warnings: rape, intention of rape, harassment, blood mention, bullying, language (a little strong)

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I've always like to watch him by far, he just seems different from the rest (and oh boy, he is).

The first time I saw him I was in 7th grade. I was just one more girl of the many others that her tities just had started to show and my period started to visit me. I remember that day clearly, I was sitting at the hallway with my bestfriend at the time, eating infront of our lockers when I saw him.

"Am telling ya girl, the answer of number 5 was c." I said trying to reason with her about the science test answers "I told you that if u needed help to study, I could help ya." I smile at her and move my arm upward to touch her shoulder

"Yeah, yeah, I know...are you sure it was not D?" she said frowning her eyebrows once more. We stayed in silence for a sec before bursting into laughter and tears

Little by little our laughs started to fade, allowing ears to hear the background and aswell some loud voices, it sounded like an argument but by the hears of it a fight was going to start soon. "What you think is happening over there?" Cassie murmured, I stared at the end of the hallway where apparently was were the voices were coming from.

"I don't know..." my lips formed a thin line while I was thinking about what could have been happening in there, "You wanna, you know, go and see?" I looked back at my friend

"Freak yeah" she laughed grabbing my hand and running down the hallway to see the soon to be fight.

Once we got there, there was a mass of students surrounding what appeared to be the ones who where arguing. "Ugh, I can't see, I hate been so small." I said, "Hey, that smallness is beautiful and you know you can use that in your own benefit" Cassia said and winked at me.

"I mean, yeah but I can't-" my word stopped at the moment I heard a want sounded and I believe to be a punch in the face. "You saw that!?" Cassie said, "That was freaking awesome, please tell me you saw it!" "Um, nah Cassie, I cant see a crap" i said while trying to find a whole where to see through.

It was only a matter of seconds until more punches were heard. I started pushing people more frantically, I wanted to see what was happening. When I get pass a few amount of studens I almost slipped, looked sown to see what was it and it was stains of blood, only a few but still.

"Oh gosh, disgusting." When I look up only a few students are still in the cafeteria and a guy wearing a grey hoddie was just there, staring at the bloodie face of another guy. I stared back at the hoddie guy and noticed a little hammer in his hand, and the words just came out of my mouth without even noticing, "Why the hammer? Want to be a constructed or something?" He just stared at me and pass by me without saying a word and keeping a neutral face.

"Who the hell was that crazy ass weirdo?" I hear Cassie's voice behind me. "I don't know" I responded, "But I will know...one day."

"Ok,ok, am not going to get in between your little search thingi but am sure he is not good news." Cassie said, "You saw what he did, and he has a FREAKING hammer, y/n! Covered in blood y/n!" She grabbed my shoulders from behind, "I think we all understood the message, stay the fuck away from him, honey."

And I just smiled.

Months later I learned his name. Wayne, Wayne McCullough. Fits the ring if you ask me. Everyone was speaking about how violent, crazy and wierdo he was, about how he was going to show up at your house to beat the hell put of you.

I just observed him by far, well, I like to think that I noticed him. I noticed how he usually beats up those who are some assholes jerks that have only one brain cell as much. Noticed that he is not much of a talker and a shy boy. Noticed how he makes his lips thin when he gets lost in thoughts. How he closes his fist when he is about to do something. His strangely high pain tolerance. His pale skin and dark hair appeared to me to be very llamative and aswell his strength. He was and is skinny but somehow has a great strength, maybe do to the unincredible amounts of fights he gets in. Experience makes the master is what the say...right?

Years went by, we entered to highschool and the nervousness along with the fast beating, sweating and butterflies were still there every time i either tought about him or saw him walking around.

Cassie stayed with me for a while until she decided to join the group of nasty ass bitches with no brain cells who believed no one was better than them. While I...well, I stayed small for a big part I guess, always with good grades, teachers love me and try to be nice with every one I guess.

Everything was going great until Cassie along with some guys recorded me somehow while being drunk and them trying to overpass the boundaries, and let me tell ya.. that was just the start.

The had videos of me at the school bathroom, pictures of my underwear under my skirts and dresses, them trying to touch me. I had to learn to defend myself, stopped using skirts, dresses, shorts even do I loved wearing the. Replace my shoes with tennis and always had hair ties.

"Y/n, wake up! You're going to be late for school, don't think ama wait for you!" I mom yelled.

"Yes, mom! Dont worry, am up!" I run down the stairs with my backpack, went to the kitchen, grabbed an apple and went straight to the car.

"Oh for God sake, y/n" she said went she looked at me and noticed my new hair style.

"What? You don't like it? I just cut it a little." I satered at her innocently

"Your father is not gonna like it and you know it." She said and the stress lines appeared in her forehead, "You know this is his weekend and-"

She couldn't finish her sentence because I started taking, "Am not going to that dickheads house, mother." I said strainly, "Don't want to see his and face of that bitch he cheated you with..." i lowly said but loud enough to hear.

"I know, honey but you have to and besides you get to see your brother!" She patted my thigh, "Haven't seen him in a while right?" She said with a sad tone

"You should be the one seeing him...not me." I stared outside the window, there were just some trees and houses and garbage.

Mom and dad divorced a while back, he cheated on her. The house was a mess that day, screams and broken glass everywhere. Sammy was lucky, he was at grandma's but I was home...listening to every single word. That was also the first time a sneaked out and the first time I sort-of spoke to Wayne.

"What are you doing here?" I heard someone said behind me, I looked and it was fucking Wayne

"Just trying to have some quietness i guess..." I stared at my fingers and started playing with them because of my nervousness, "...What are you doing here?" I asked softly

And he stayed silent...the whole time after that. Either way, his company was nice and the side profile, ufff, amazing.

"Ok, we are here." I stared at the building for a sec before giving my mother a kiss in her cheek and entered to the building.

"Hey y/n! Nice ass!" That was the jerk of all jerks, Jonathan.

I turned around and stared at him, "Oh yeah?" He nodded, "Want to see me shop of your dick?" Changed my tone while saying that into a lower and more serious tone. He just stared at me with sealed lips and left.

I continued walking to my locker and I come to see tgat my freaking lock is broken, I search in all the spaces but nothing is missing.

"Come on! They had just changed me of locker!" I silently yelled. Started grabbing my books for the next few classes when I felt a hand in my shoulder, by instinct I grabbed the wrist, pushed the person against the locker and added pressure in the throat with my other arm.

"Hey y/n" Orlando smiled, "New move?" I chuckled and removed my arm, now, standing face to face I respond

"You know you shouldn't do that Orlando bunny." I laugh st the nickname I gave him a few time ago. Orlando was one of the few FEW people who talked to me, well, he talked to everyone but still.

"I know... I just forgot I guess man." He looked down, "Y/n...have your tities grown bigger?" His face looked confused.

I slapped his head and punched his shoulder, "Could you please stop looking and thinking 'bout tities when am around you?"

"I mean, yeah sure...and sorry about your lock." He points the locker, "Wayne thought it was still his but since-" I cut him off before he could continue

"Wayne?" I asked confused

"Yeah, Is tha-" i cut him off again

"Why did he tho?" I murmured staring at my lock in hand.

"It used to be his locker but oh well...he missed school for 3 weeks and yeah." He grabs his backpacks laces after explaining.

"Oh...ok, is he still here tho?" I looked at Orlando

"I guess..." he was about to say pther thing when the bell ring and we started to go toour classes, "See you later gorgeous!" He yells from the corner of the hallway.

I stayed there...just staring at my lock for a while, then order my things fast and left to class. What I didn't know was that someone was watching at me.

Three days later, i was walking back home and i heard s car going at full speed and nasty comments were started to be listend. I kept walking trying tk pretend they didn't exist when the car is suddenly over the sideway and infront of me.

"YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME ASSHOLES!!" I yelled.

"But...you are bot dead right, bitch?" Jonathan said getting out of the car. There were five, 2 guys and 3 girls. "Don't prefer to suck my dick and be my slut, promise I'll pay a good amount." He said infront of me,

"She is already a slut baby." Veronica said

"I bet she has sleeped with half school, wouldn't surprise me if you haven been org*e or something." You know, comments are comments, you are the one who decide what hurt you and whats does not, but being Cassie the one who said that...broke my freaking heart.

I couldn't stand it anymore, wanted to leave the place so i came up with a plan very fast. I walked closer to Jonathan trying to be the most seductive I could, touched his chest, abs and got closer to his ear and said, "You are going to regret everything" Punched him with all my strenght in this genitiles, stomp on his feet, punched his nose and ran the faster I could out of there.

"You bitch!" I heard from far but i continued running, I couldn't stop, i was scared, didn't know what could happen if the get me. I could hear the car engines behind me, but i didn't stop.

I was close a bridge, ran underneath it, passed some houses but i could still hear the voices and car. My legs hurt, i needed to catch my breath, i could hear my heart beat, my body felt on fire. When I less expected am suddenly trapped, there were some abandoned buildings and warehouses but no way to get put of there. This was it, my end.

"Couldn't escape from me you nasty little bitch!?" I heard his voice, i was never one to pray but believe when i say i begged to God to save me. "You ain't going anywhere...bitch" he was behind me, I could sense it.

My hair was pulled, he pulls me by my hair to his car and i notice that it's just him and another guy. Am not getting out of here.

"We are going to have so much fun!" He licks my cheek and i try to kick him wherever.

"HELP!" I yelled, "SOMEBODY PLEASE, HELP!" my voice sounded horrific, like if i hadn't drank a single drop of water in ages, "please" y murmure my last pledge before he finally puts me over the capo of his car.

"No one's gonna help you, you slut." He says, the other guy was just watching and standing still, doing nothing.

I gave up, didn't even notice I was crying until I tasted the salt in my lips. I felt him over me, unbucking my pants and then...i didnt felt his weight anymore, instead, i heard a cry of pain, and then another cry, and another and another.

I lifted my head and there he was, grey hoddie and little hammer in hand...my savior. I smiled.

My smile just grew bigger and bigger every second I saw that boy swing that motherfucker hammer, every second that Jonathan's blood was spilled. I lool around in search pf the pther guy scared that he might try to grab but I get calm when i see him unconscious on the floor.

A few minuts later th cries stop and i look up, Jonathan was missing 3 teeths and face covered with blood, i think he could even have a brocken rib or something.

Am sitting on top of the car's capo when a feel a slight, fragile touch.

"You ok?" Wayne askes pulling a string of my hair behind my ear.

"...now I am." I smile to him and he returns a little small tiny one with a grin. I was about to say something else when he suddenly speaks

"Want to be my girlfriend or whatever?" He says looking exhausted, I chuckle

"Try a little harder and I might be." I say soflty with a small thin smile and he avoids my eyes but I still get to notice a small blush.

...................

Hey! So, yeah. This is my first ever published thing. Hope you enjoyed it and if you want a part two or to keep writing, am open to any suggestion! Am not very good with the warnings section so if you could help me with it, i would totally apreciate that!

Thank you for reading,

#fanfic #wayne mccullough #wayne mccullough x reader #wayne mccullough x y/n #fanfiction #wayne mccullough fanfic #wayne mccullough fanfiction #wayne #wayne x reader

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