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heartlilith · 5 months

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Sun in the Houses - Solar Return Chart

A Solar Return Chart "refers to the time when the Sun returns to the exact position it was in at the time of your birth in your natal chart. Since the Sun takes approximately 12 months to complete its cycle. Hence, a Solar Return happens every year. And, since this journey begins at the time of your birth, the return usually happens a day or two before or after your birthday" (via)

I like to think of an SR Chart as a yearly Natal Chart. You can see where the planets of your SR Chart fall into your Natal Chart or you can view your SR Chart by itself. I think both are important to acknowledge because you might relate to one chart more than the other or you might relate to both charts. For example; if you have Sun in the 10th house of your SR Chart but it falls into your 2nd house of your Natal Chart, look at both houses below (Sun in the 10th and Sun in the 2nd).

It's also important to remember that your sun sign will be the same every year, so if you're a Leo Sun in your Natal Chart, you'll be a Leo Sun every year in your SR Chart. Your Sun Sign might stay the same but the house it falls in and the aspects it makes will be different.

The Sun in your SR Chart represents where your focus is for the next 12 months, where you'll be concentrating the most. It also represents key themes that show up for you throughout the year. It's crucial to look at how your Sun is aspected to get a better glimpse of how you this placement will affect you.

Calculate your Solar Return Chart

Sun in the Houses

1h: Sun in the 1st house of your Solar Return Chart means your focus will primarily be on yourself, your physical appearance, and how you approach life. Since your natal sun sign would be your solar return rising, it could make for a more transformative and prosperous year. This year, you might decide to reinvent yourself physcially in some way; you may start working out or you could get tattoos. You could dye your hair or revamp your wardrobe; something that puts an emphasis on your individuality and that asserts your identity through physical appearance. It could also mean that your personality is more noticeable in some way and the people around you take notice. Since your rising sign affects the way you approach the world, it could also mean that you assert confidence in various aspects of life. Meaning, wherever you go you go with confidence; whether that be the workplace, school, or at home; you're generally more confident in all aspects of life (of course this also depends on the signs occupying corresponding houses). You might find that you get more attention this year (good or bad depending on aspects) or feel more comfortable with getting attention. You may go through something that changes your approach to life and the world around you. Remember you don't have to have intent, you could find that these things happen on their own, naturally.

Advice: Focus on how you want to appear to the world this year, put yourself and your needs first, and don't be afraid to express yourself - it's a great time to do so. People will pay more attention to you, so try to stay out of drama and scandals. Instead; aim to inspire the people around you.

2h: Sun in the 2nd house of your Solar Return Chart puts focus on your finances, your self-esteem, and your material possessions. Depending on how the Sun is aspected, it could mean that you're motivated to find other sources of income in order to bring more stability into your life. Check where the lord of your 2nd house is in your SR Chart (if 2nd house is in Taurus - check where Venus is in the houses, if it's in Gemini, check where Mercury falls in your houses). This can indicate how you can create another source of income. If it's in the 3rd house; writing and communicating can help you make more money, like blogging or becoming a free lance writer. If it's in the 5th house, creating and selling a product could help or even babysitting. You could also be focusing on saving money and budgeting. Your self esteem and values could change depending on how it's aspected. For example: Sun opposite Uranus could indicate that your self esteem fluctuates and is unstable for this year, along with your finances. Sun sextile/trine Jupiter could indicate that this year will bring wealth and you'll be secure within yourself. Sun in the 2nd house could make you focus more on material possessions; you could buy more stuff (purses, make up, clothes, jewelry) in order to boost your self esteem. You might stand up for yourself more when you notice people disrespecting you or you might need to change your personality in some way; if people are taking advantage of you, you might notice you need to act more assertive, for example.

Advice: Save your money incase unexpected expenses come up, take time out for yourself to practice self care, occasionally buy yourself a gift, learn how to invest

3h: Sun in the 3rd house of your Solar Return Chart puts focus on communication, siblings, short distance travel and transportation. This could manifest as keeping a journal this year to write down your thoughts and experiences. You may notice you're more curious this year and find ways to satisfy your curiosity; through reading, online research, and short distance travel. You may travel to new places like a new restaurant, a new beach, a new place that's close to where you are now. You're more inclined to share your thoughts and opinions with confidence and engage in meaningful conversations with others. You could make friends with people through similar interests; joining a book club and meeting a new friend or finding a new library to go to and meeting someone there. You will be full of mental energy that could manifest as anxiety depending on how your Sun is aspected. The relationships with your siblings might change for better or for worse or you might notice you spend more time with them. You might want to get involved in your community by volunteering, substitute teaching, reading to the elderly. You could start a successful blog that shares information on what you're interested in (astrology, fashion, psychology).

Advice: Getting into therapy would be very beneficial now, try new things and hobbies, join interesting clubs and try things you normally wouldn't.

4h: Having your Sun in the 4th house of your Solar Return Chart can bring family, your mother, and your home environment into focus. You might start thinking about starting a family, or someone in your family could become pregnant. You might visit your family a lot more this year and spend more time with them or your parents might visit your home a lot more. You'll want to focus on making your home more "homey" and decorating it in a way that aligns with who you are. You may become closer with your mother and spend more time with her. If harshly aspected, you may notice your mother (4h) and your father (Sun) may divorce or fight a lot more this year (this depends on other placements too). You may find that you'd rather be at home than go out, you'll be more introverted and prioritize comfort. You may have to stay home against your will due to duties related to children or maybe you have to stay home to take care of your mother or parents. Depending on Sun aspects, this could mean harmonious relationships with your family or it could mean more arguments. You might order a 23 and Me test to find out more about your ancestry and nationality.

Advice: Spend more time trying to get your family together, create happy memories with them and take pictures so you can look back on it. Focus on your home space and implement things that make it more comfortable. Invite people over for events or maybe throw a house warming party.

5h: Sun in the 5th house means focusing on hobbies, creativity, having fun, your inner child and children in general this year. This could mean less work and more play, whether that happens naturally or intentionally. You might take off work to go on vacation or even take work off to do something fun with your kids. You might pick up an old hobby or a new hobby that takes up your free time. Going out, being with friends, going to parties, throwing parties, or doing whatever your definition of fun is will be highlighted this year. You may notice that you're around more children this year which could result in connecting with your own inner child. For example, blowing bubbles with kids or pushing them on a swing could remind you of your own happy childhood memories. Connecting with your inner child this year is crucial; eating your favorite childhood meal, looking through old photos, or engaging in conversations with kids will be really beneficial. Self expression through hobbies, art, or writing can interest you this year. Since Sun in home in the 5th house, this almost always gaurantees an overall comfortable year (if Sun is badly aspected, this placement could make the aspects less intense). You could be more extroverted, creative, and carefree this year. You may find that you go on more dates or spend time on dating apps.

Advice: Focus on pleasure. What makes you happy? Your inner child happy? Try expressing yourself through artistic endeavors. Don't take life so seriously this year.

6h: Sun in the 6th house in the Solar Return Chart can indicate increased focus on physical health and wellness, daily routines, and your relationship to your peers/coworkers. This year you could end up making a dietary change; becoming a vegetarian or simply cutting out sugar. You could focus on what makes you feel good physically; working out and eating healthy. Depending on how the Sun is aspected, this could help you to "glow up" this year. You may try out yoga, pilates, or another workout class that interests you. Your daily routines will help you become more confident. We already talked about working out and eating healthy; this could also mean starting a skincare routine, a bedtime routine, or simply jotting down tasks in your planner. You may seek out alternative healing methods as well, again check aspects. This could include Traditional Chinese Medicine (acupuncture, medicinal herbs) or reiki and meditation in order to benefit your health. Relationships with peers/coworkers will be in focus as well, whether positively or negatively is up to the whole chart itself. Your energy levels can also be affected by the Sun and its' aspects.

Advice: Don't gossip in the workplace, adopt a pet, focus on how to spend your time more efficiently, start implementing positive habits in your daily routines.

7h: Sun in the 7th house in the Solar Return Chart can indicate focusing on love relationships, one on one friendships, and open enemies. You will want to get along with people in your life, you'll strive to have harmony and balance in these relationships. If you don't have a romantic partner, this might be the year that you meet someone special. Write down what qualities you want in a partner and see how they correspond with your natal 7th house. Manifesting and actively seeking a partner could help but it might just happen without your intention! If you have a romantic partner already, the Sun here makes you buckle down and really work on making the relationship flourish, or even taking it to the next level. This could be as big as getting engaged or married, or it could mean moving in together. It could be as little as meeting their parents or having them meet yours. All of this depends on the rest of the chart and if you look at house placements and aspects you can get a better sense of how you'll grow closer. The same goes for one on one connections in terms of friendships. You might grow closer to a friend or friends over the year. The 7th house also rules open enemies. Depending on aspects of the Sun this can be more or less prominent. Sun square Mars, for example, may mean that men with Aries or Scorpio-like qualities (doesn't have to be their Sun sign but can be) can brush you the wrong way or these people could even start arguments with you.

Advice: Focus on the positives and express to your lover or friend what you appreciate about them. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Stick up for yourself in a way that creates peace or better yet, kill the haters with kindness. Ask yourself why certain traits and aspects of other people bother you.

8h: Sun in the 8th house puts focus on personal and financial transformations, self discovery, intimacy, and shared resources. I won't lie, the 8th house can be a tough bid. All houses have their good and bad qualities but the 8th house is all about change which is uncomfortable for most. The good part about 8th house Sun is when you look back on your Solar Return a year from now, you'll be changed in a significant way. It can be hard but it will make you stronger, wiser, and more aligned with your higher self. You will face obstacles this year that will take you out of your comfort zone whether that's intentional or not. You may move out of your parents house and live across the country. You might go to therapy and realize why you act the way you do. You might be moving into your dorm in college this year. Think radical change. You might break up with your partner, move out, quit your job and move back home. It's hard to say exactly what will happen without seeing the rest of the chart because the 8th house rules "Deep personal transformation - " and that's it. Say your 8th house lord is in the 10th house, you'll experience a transformation related to your reputation or career, you may get fired or promoted in a significant way. Your reputation could take a blow or you could become famous. It's hard to tell, again, without looking at the whole chart.

Advice: Take things in stride, try to be your best self, trust yourself and the universe. Be careful with financial matters and contracts. Dive into taboos.

9h: Sun in the 9th house puts learning, long distance travel, and higher education into focus. You will want to expand your horizons in some way whether that be going to college, traveling and learning about different cultures, exploring spiritual practices, or seeking out profound experiences that lead to personal growth. Your year might consist of traveling abroad somewhere and learning about the place's culture. You could appreciate this culture and their values and implement it into your own life. You might go to college or take a course online that interests you in a way that others courses didn't. This course might alter your personality in some way. Say the course is about world religion, after learning about it you might explore it on your own time, for example; Buddhism (technically a philosophy but I digress...), you might take interest in their practice of meditation. You start meditating and it completely changes the way you view life, this could lead to a whole new belief system. You might take up a yoga class and after a couple months you might join your yoga class on a retreat somewhere; this could impact you tremendously and might change your course of life. After the retreat, you might become a yogi or start practicing something intense like Kundalini yoga. The possibilities with this house are endless, but they all start with being curious and wanting to learn something new. Take the first step by exploring other interests, you never know how they will affect your life!

Advice: Try something new this year, be open to new opportunities, quiet your inner critic and be spontaneous, don't let anxiety and insecurity get in your way.

10h: Sun in the 10th house of your Solar Return Chart could bring your career, reputation, and father (or dominant parent) into focus. This could indicate a need to be promoted or recognized by authority in terms of your career. You could get a raise or "climb the corporate ladder", you could find your true passion and open up a business. You might find that your relationship with your father or father figure impacts your personality in some way. You might grow closer or grow farther apart, you might recognize how the relationship affects you in your daily life. Sun in this house brings confidence into the workplace and depending on the aspects, coworkers could be jealous or threatened by that or you might get along well with them and gain popularity. Your reputation could be affected this year either negatively or positively; the Sun here on its own indicates that it will be affected positively but if squares or oppositions are present, it could go the other way. For instance, if Uranus squares your 10th house (aka MC/Midheaven), you might gain a reputation for being irresponsible or unreliable. If you have Venus sextile your MC, you may gain a reputation of being lovable and sociable and your relationship with your boss will be positive.

Advice: Be confident in the workplace and share your ideas. Don't be afraid to stand out. Try your best to create harmonious relationships with coworkers and if you're being treated poorly, stand up for yourself in a mature way. Ask for that promotion or raise.

11h: Sun in the 11th house of the Solar Return Chart puts friendships, community, and social media into your focus for the year. You will have the desire to expand your social circle or it can happen on it's own! You will want to be surrounded by like minded people that share your interests and ideas. The sign that occupies this house in your SR and Natal Chart can give you greater insight. If you have Scorpio in the 11th house of your Natal Chart, the friends you gain might hold some sort of power, they might transform you in some way (and this is true throughout your whole life). The ruler of the 11th house in your Solar Return Chart, say for example; Taurus, would fall into your Natal 5th house. Meaning the friends you make could have Scorpio/Taurus/Leo and even Aquarius placements (fixed signs). You could meet them through your children (the parents of your child's friend or you could connect with someone at a daycare while picking up your kids). You could meet these friends at a Paint n' Sip. You could meet a friend while going on a double date (think 5th house themes). Either way, they'll most likely have fixed sign energy and have planets falling in your natal 2nd, 5th, and 8th, and 11th house. Other than that, you may focus on getting more involved in your community; this could be volunteering or donating clothes to your local goodwill. You could become famous on social media! Or you could gain followers and attract more likes and comments on your posts.

Advice: Put yourself out there and join groups that spike your interest in order to connect with like-minded people. Get involved in your community or donate to a cause that you believe in. Raise money for the less fortunate or buy a meal for the homeless, you could start a chain reaction.

12h: Sun in the 12th house of your Solar Return Chart puts solitude, reflection, hidden enemies, and endings into focus for the year. This indicates that you'll be more introverted than ever, even if your Sun sign is the most extroverted of all the zodiac signs. You'll prefer to be alone which could sometimes lead to a feeling of loneliness. Sun in the 12th house could mean that you're your own worst enemy. Let go of limiting beliefs or insecurities; it's a good time to release problems relating to your ego since the 12th house also rules endings. The Sun shines a bright light on the house of the unknown, this could lead to finding out secrets or uncovering truths that could hurt your self esteem. If you're spiritual, you could connect more to your beliefs in some way (starting to pray more, going to church on Sundays, or reading books on Chakras and Crystal Healing, for example). If badly aspected, you could be hospitalized or in need of rehabilitation of some sort. Don't use drugs, don't gamble, don't take unnecessary risks. Focus on your mental health and reflect on who you are and what you'd like to change. The Sun in the 12th house could also signify an "ego death" which could put you through something significant that could change every aspect of who you are, since the Sun is the self. This could be as serious as a near fatal car accident or a near death experience of some sort (especially if Pluto/Mars are prominent). It could be as simple as helping others out and realizing that the collective is more important than the self and ego. Be patient with yourself this year and trust your intuition. Please, trust your intuition.

Advice: Don't take unnecessary risks, trust your gut, develop your psychic powers, start a dream journal, see a therapist. Ask for help when you need help, help someone in need, put yourself in other peoples' shoes. Go on a retreat and work on your relationship with yourself.

#astrology #astro observations #astrology community #astro #astro community #rising signs #leo #sagittarius #scorpio #cancer #solar return #solar return chart #sun in houses #sun in sr chart #solar return sun #astrology houses

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pinkkittysaw · 5 months

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FIVE NIGHTS AT MIKE’S

pairing: mike schmidt x plus sized! female reader

summary: you spend the night at your boyfriend’s place

word count: 5,735

content: NSFW (minors + ageless blogs DNI, you will be blocked!) post canon (but still in the year 2000), established relationship, dry humping, oral (f! receiving), fingering (f! receiving), minor pussyjob, breast/nipple play, protected sex (use of condom), intimacy kink, both reader and mike have pubes

a/n: does anyone else miss blockbuster? because i do 😔 long live physical media! also i did my due diligence and calculated prices of things to my best of my ability for the year 2000 so even if my price match isn’t EXACT, it’s close. this ended up…unexpectedly softer than i thought it would. never did i think i would be stringing sentences together like this to describe mike from FNAF but alas, here we are ^_^

dividers by @/kimjiho1 & @/saradika

"See ya, rugrat," you say to the eager girl as she hugs both you and her brother at the entrance of their front door. She huffs, only slightly, when you ruffle her brunette curls, sporting a faint pout once she pulls away from your hold. You chuckle, kneeling to her height, before attempting to fix the mess you created, smoothing out the hairs that lay atop her head the best you could.

"Call us if you need anything, okay?" Mike repeats for the nth time that night since Abby started getting ready.

"Yeah, yeah." Abby dismisses her brother completely, heading toward the car parked in the driveway after she decides that her hair looks satisfactory enough.

It was a Friday night, both you and Abby had sleepover plans, her at a friend's house and you over at Mike's. Abby was so devastated when she found out that your sleepovers fell on the same day as each other—intentional planning on both your and Mike's part—that she almost bailed on her school friends. It was only when you promised to have a special girl's night with her the next time you stayed over that she eventually yielded, going through with her original plans for the weekend.

She was initially invited by one of her school friends. After Mike had sat through one of the world's most awkward conversations with Abby's friend's mom—one he made sure to recount once they arrived home—he decided that it was probably in her best interest to let her go out and socialize like this while she was still young enough to do so, despite whatever unspoken worries he had about her going off and spending the night on her own for the first time.

"Love you!" Abby yells from the rear car door before opening it and getting inside. The seats are filled with excitable little girls and one slightly apprehensive mom who smiles at you through the windshield. Though the sound is slightly muffled, Mike repeats the same words back to his sister.

He may not be the most outwardly affectionate person, but after taking even the tiniest glimpse into their lives, it's obvious that he cares. Whether that's shown through him triple-checking her pack before she leaves for the evening, giving her friend's mom a list of her safe foods so that she doesn't go hungry, or reminding her numerous times that she can always call home if she needs to because no matter how independent she's become, it's okay to still need your older brother. Although you're sure Mike would say that he's anything but a good older brother.

Abby waves to you both as the car pulls out of the lot before she turns back to her friends again. You and Mike stand waving in the entryway as it turns off onto the street, leaving an empty spot in its wake.

"She's come a long way," you comment, turning your head towards him as he continues to stare out onto the pavement.

"Yeah."

You're unable to help the way your eyes roll at his statement, though it's lighthearted in nature. "It's thanks to you, you know." You nudge him in the side with your elbow.

"I think you had a hand in it too," he chuckles, smirking as his eyes meet yours.

"Just accept the compliment, Mike." You pat his shoulder, then turn on your heels to head back indoors, with him following suit.

"So...what should we do now?"

"I got a spare ten; wanna rent a movie?" You reach down for your wallet that's tucked in your overnight bag sprawled on his couch, pulling out the ten-dollar bill and puffing it between your fingers. "Let me treat you, baby," you coo, twirling around with the money in hand.

He scoffs a little at the display but still reaches for his keys and jacket off the rack. "Let's go."

The drive to the video rental store is a short one, as most of your time is spent lip-syncing songs to Mike that play through the static of his shitty radio.

Once you arrive, you divide and concur. Since Mike got to choose the movie last time, it was your turn, leaving him in charge of the snacks. You take your time leisurely perusing through the aisles, trying to find something that looks interesting enough before making your way to the "New Releases" section. It takes a while before anything catches your eye, but as you keep wandering, a title eventually jumps out at you.

You pick up the VHS and make your way over to check it out. Mike's waiting for you at the end of the aisle, his arms filled with popcorn, soft drinks, and candy. The two of you walk side by side over to the counter, where he drops all his snacks, and you slide over the movie. He lifts the corner of the box to look at the title before the case makes its way toward the cashier.

"American Psycho?" He asks, raising a brow.

"Yeah." You hand over the cash and your ID. "A coworker of mine said it was good, plus the trailer looked...interesting." You smile. "Why? Are you scared of a little horror film?"

"In your dreams."

"Guess we'll see about that, won't we?"

After thanking the cashier and collecting your bagged items, the two of you head back to his car.

It's not long after that the two of you arrive back at Mike's place, having changed out of your day clothes into pajamas.

After feeding the tape into the VCR, you plop back onto the sofa, sinking into the cushions, popcorn in hand, and snuggling into Mike's side.

Around six minutes into the movie, you comment in between bites of popcorn. "I know this movie is rated R, but I honestly wasn't expecting to see Christain Bale's ass."

Mike doesn't say anything in return, just side-eyeing you with a simple "Uh huh."

By the time the credits roll, both of your tummies are full of salty popped kernels and sweets, the evidence of which lies on his coffee table in the form of empty bags and wrappers.

Your bodies have shifted positions since the movie started. He's lying on his back, his body spread along the length of his couch, with you on your tummy nestled on top of him. Your cheek is squished against the space between his neck and shoulder, breathing him in while his chin rests on top of your head, his fingertips drawing slow circles on the small of your back.

The sensation makes you drowsy, both due to his warmth and the methodical motions of his fingers lulling you into an almost slumber.

"So, were you scared?" You tease, breaking through the serene atmosphere.

"Hm?" He mumbles, slow blinking himself to a higher state of alertness. It seems as if he too has been lulled into falling asleep on the couch alongside you.

"Were you scared?" you reiterate.

"Definitely not."

"Yeah... it felt more like a thriller than a 'horror' movie, I guess."

Mike hums in agreement, the two of you lying in silence before he speaks up again. "We should probably get off the couch now, hm?"

You groan a little, not wanting to move from your comfy position on top of him.

"Says who?" You fold your forearms across his sternum, settling your chin on top of your hands.

"Me." He quips, "It's getting late."

You huff, maneuvering your body so you can stretch and look at the clock on his wall. "It's only ten p.m." His eyes aren't open, but they don't need to be for him to tell that you have a pout on your face.

In your best attempt to dissuade him, you settle yourself back in the crux of his neck. "The night is still young."

"Says the one who was snoring up a storm on top of me a few minutes ago," he titters, poking your sides lightly so you'll fold in on yourself. "Using me as her personal pillow."

You don't engage anymore, choosing to stay right where you are in silence. If you don't talk, then no conversation needs to be had, and you can stay where you are.

"Fine," he grumbles, effectively giving up. "We can stay like this a little longer." His fingers change positions now, moving from their persistent prodding to dragging the tips up and down your spine underneath your shirt.

"You're warm."

"You're warm...and snuggly... and safe." You plant a kiss on the exposed skin from the opening in his shirt.

"Safe? Never heard that one before." He smirks to himself amusedly.

"Don't start all that now," you tell him, looking up from your spot nestled in his neck.

"It's true," he retorts, "not sure any of my former employers would agree with you."

"First off, your previous employer was an actual madman. Secondly, I'm not one of your employers; I'm your girlfriend, and thirdly, you should know by now that I don't give a fuck about corporate."

Mike looks off to the side, not meeting your eyes. "You're not exactly a good influence on me, you know," he jokes.

"I never claimed to be." You move to lift yourself more and stroke his stubbled cheek with your finger. You sigh, "Look, I get that you haven't always been the most pacifistic person in the past, but...I mean it when I say I feel safe with you. And I know Abby is safe with you too, alright?"

He doesn't have the words to articulate the feeling that those words dredge up inside him, so he simply nods.

"Good." You lay back down on his front, staring up at him. "Wanna know one of my favorite things about you?"

You stage the question like it was a guessing game, but since he's unable to guess any good qualities about himself, all he responds with is "What?"

"Your eyes. So pretty."

The corner of his lip turns up in a smirk. This isn't the first time you complimented his eyes, and it surely wouldn't be the last. The warm, rich browns that make up his irises are sweet in color, despite him thinking they were as plain and boring as can be.

"You want to know what your eyes are telling me?"

"What?" You smile sweetly at him.

"That you're looking up at me like you want something."

"Maybe I do want something." You shuffle further up his body, settling yourself onto his lap, plush thighs surrounding his hips as you hold onto his forearms for stability.

"And what's what?"

You lean over him, slowly descending upon him, your face hovering just above his. "A kiss?" You wiggle your eyebrows up and down as if to entice him more.

"Go ahead."

"Really?"

"Could always change my mind."

"Meanie," you pout, but you meet him the rest of the way anyway, his lips melding with yours.

Trying to describe your relationship and the intimacy that came along with it was difficult. Trying to describe Mike was difficult. The closest thing that comes to mind is a skittish cat. He wasn't standoffish in the sense that he couldn't talk to anyone, but trying to get anywhere other than skimming the surface with him was a challenge, like a game of tug of war, a delicate balance of push and pull. If you charged forward too quickly, he'd retreat into a corner, baring teeth and claws.

It wasn't his fault, not necessarily. The death of his younger brother being the major catalyst as to why he kept himself so closed off. A death that he blamed on himself for the longest time.

He stayed approachable enough to get along with others on the barest of levels to not cause any problems. for the most part, and any attempts at digging in any deeper than he was willing to allow were met with resistance. If he never gets close, then he never has to lose, even if it means leading an even lonelier life down the road.

The only long-standing relationship he had left was with Abby. His final tether to humanity was the little sister whose life he was holding together with glue sticks and string.

To be honest, it was amazing that you got as close to him as you did. After his short stint at the run-down pizzeria, he asked you out, deciding that he was done trying to flee and cling to the past. It was time to start living in the present, taking care of those who needed him now while he still could.

The kiss is slow, meticulous, and intimate. A word that never used to be in Mike's vocabulary. It's warm. He's warm (and slightly squishy). The heat builds to a simmer inside your tummy.

His hands slide from your thighs to the fat of your hips, squeezing the flesh between his fingers as he pulls you closer against his pelvis, causing a slight whimper to fall from your lips. All you want to do is melt in it, sink into the heat, and slowly let it consume you.

One of your arms wraps around the back of his neck while the other hand cradles his stubbled cheek. It was strange how a man could make you feel as if your whole heart was being consumed all at once. Sickly sweet words come to a boil on your tongue, but you swallow and exchange them for something more simple and primitive. Moans fill the air of his living room, with the more primal part of you taking over.

Your hips begin to rock gently against his, your tongue prodding at his teeth. The groan that comes out of you is a plea for entrance, one which he happily grants, parting his lips and allowing you to swallow him whole.

"That's it."

The kiss becomes a clash of teeth and tongues, nipping at each other's lips while wet muscles glide against one another.

You're not exactly sure why, but kissing Mike like this, in a way that's so raw and unrefined, makes you unbearably needy, not just in the pit of your stomach but in your heart too. You've grown to like this little life you've built here, tending to the seeds of your relationship with care. It hasn't been perfect per se, but it's been yours. You love it. You love his sister. You love him and you can't decipher whether that scares you or not. Excitement and anxiety both make your heart beat to the same erratic rhythm.

He's gentle with how he holds you. Square palms and thick fingers knead the flesh of your sides before sliding down to your rear to give that a firm squeeze as well, his hands guiding your body, rocking it back and forth on his half-hard cock.

A juxtaposition: knuckles once bloody and bruised, calloused fingers with skin split around the nails holding you, caressing your body as if it were velvet. If he were a bit more needy, drunk on love, he'd swear to the heavens that you were softer.

His hands move from your ass to breast, his fingertips delicately sliding up the curves. It's not the first time he's "discovered your body," nor is it the last, but all the times you have sex, which is not often enough, it always feels as loving as the first.

Thumbs brush against the ribs that hide beneath your shirt, soft in a way that makes your heart flutter before they reach their destination, swiping against the soft, stippling peaks of your nipples, your bra having long since been removed earlier that night when you returned to his place. Palms grasp at the fat of your bosom, kneading the flesh.

The roll of your hips increases while your lips separate from his, laying forehead to forehead as you pant lightly against him, breath cascading down his features. The grip of his fingers on your side tightens as he tries to stall your movements. "Stop...stop..." he puffs into your mouth, slight perspiration building on his brow from the heat.

You pout as your hips come to a full stop, peering down at him beneath you.

"I don't want to blow all over the couch," he explains.

"What a lovely mental image you've just given me," you snort, swinging your leg over him as you try to get up, only to be stopped by his hands once more.

"I never said I had a problem with getting my bedsheets dirty, though."

His lips clash with yours as he walks you backward down the hall toward his bedroom. You stumble through the door and crash onto his bed while he flips on his bedside lamp before collapsing on top of you. Another whine escapes you as you feel his hard-on through his PJ bottoms.

"Mike," you exhale, holding onto his shoulders for support.

"I know, I know."

He repositions himself and you, by extension, so that he's lying on top of you properly. Lips move from yours to the corner of your mandible, planting quick kisses all over your skin as if trying to consume you. His facial hair tickles as it brushes against the skin of your neck, causing you to shrink up slightly while releasing a fit of small giggles.

You cling to every part of him just as he does to you, pushing up your shirt to lay claim to every inch of you. Though it's not fully removed, the material is left to rest above the swell of your breasts as he kisses his way down your sternum. He's deliberate as he moves down your body, attempting to cover as much of you in his sweetness as he can.

He takes extra care when he reaches your tummy, fingertips limber and gentle as he caresses the skin. Your eyes stay locked with his as his lips meet the curve of your stomach. Tender kisses are placed across it, showing appreciation for all of the parts of your body, not just the ones you've deemed worthy of his attention.

Sex wasn't always this "easy" between the two of you; even after dancing around each other and finally getting into a relationship, that didn't make all the vulnerability of the act any easier.

He wasn't bad at it by any means; he was just a little misguided. Although sometimes you regret having taught him as well as you have, especially now that he knows how to push all your buttons.

His palms slide up your legs, from calves to thighs, fingers nestled into the waistband of your underwear and pajama bottoms, tugging them off in one fell swoop. A singular kiss is placed at the height of each thigh before he spreads your legs, exposing your sex to the cool air of his bedroom.

Nothing is said, but he does sit there for a moment, kneeling on the bed above you. When he finally does make his descent upon you, he presses a kiss so delicate right on the pudge of your mons. Then he moves to your left inner thigh, then the right, back and forth, back and forth, scrupulous, patient, and SLOW. The point of which is to get you as wet as possible without having directly touched you yet. It's made abundantly clear when he echoes those same thoughts back to you.

His thumb runs through your slit, dipping into your entrance, enough so that he barely breeches through, collecting some of your slick on the rough pads and dragging it up to your clit, rubbing tentative circles on the bundle of nerves.

"So wet," is all he says while continuing, circular motions with even pressure.

Lucky for him and (un)lucky for you, he can go as slow as he likes tonight, taking all the time in the world to warm you up, despite all your incessant whining.

He leans back to pull off his shirt, revealing a cute tuft of brown hair in the middle of his chest.

"You can be as loud as you want."

He lays on his stomach, right in between your legs, landing a singular kiss straight to your cunt before dragging the length of his tongue from your entrance to clit, giving that a kiss as well. He repeats the action a couple more times before settling himself right on your pussy, nose nestled in the wirey hairs of your mons. The wet muscle worms its way to your pulsing hole, digging in deep to drink down every drop that leaks from you.

It's always difficult to maintain eye contact with him like this; his almond irises are blown so wide that it's as if only his pupils remain. He licks and laps at your cunt like it's the only thing he was made to do. He worships your pussy like it's his favorite thing in the world, and has to prevent himself from humping the bed while he indulges himself in your taste. Even though he knows you find it hot as fuck whenever he cums just from eating you out, he needs to feel you stretched out on his cock.

Though unspoken between the two of you, you know that if you stare at him for too long while he makes out with your cunt, you'll cum way quicker than you mean to, and you know if you cum too quickly, he'll lay there and tongue-fuck you right through your next orgasm, because as much as he eats you out for your pleasure, he eats you out for his pleasure too.

Most of the time, you don't feel like giving him a big ego, so you tilt your head back and screw your eyes shut as his lips pucker around your clit and suckles it into his mouth. Even if you don't meet his gaze, he knows the effect he has on you just by the way your fingers rake through his curls, rooting themselves in his scalp while whimpering praises into the aether.

"Mikey."

The pet name used to make him groan and roll his eyes in frustration, but when you're spread out like this underneath him, it's his most favorite sound in the world.

Your opposite hand drifts to squeeze and knead at your breast, tugging at your nipple. His hand comes up to meet yours, warm and grounding, as he begins to work at your clit even more, sucking it more vigorously than before. Your hips begin to buck against his face, the scratch of his stubble giving your inner thighs a delicious beard burn as the heat begins to reach a boiling point in your belly. His fingers squeeze down on yours against your breast while your fists tighten in his hair.

You look down at him finally, and it's as if he can sense you're watching him because his eyes immediately snap up to meet yours. You can barely make out the slick coating his face in the low lamplight.

He works overtime now that he has your full attention, dragging his hand from your breast to your tummy, giving it a gentle squeeze before bracing his forearm across it, allowing for leverage as he sinks one, then two fingers into your cunt. He's quick but not rough with his movements inside you, curling in just the right spot to make you see stars.

Though your hips are restricted by him, you hurdle toward your impending orgasm. You reach down to meet his hand, and he happily clasps his fingers with yours, breaking eye contact with him when the coil finally snaps. Your back arches while your hand tightens around his, nails digging into the skin of his scalp, moans dribbling from your mouth with every passing second.

He eases you down from your high, kissing his way up your body before pulling off your shift completely and meeting his lips with yours, giving you a taste of yourself. You moan into the kiss, clinging onto him for dear life as you begin to wind down. He knows you're all set when your touch goes from frantic grabbing to gentle caressing.

He looks down at you; your expression is happy and a smidgen dopey, but nowhere near fucked out yet.

"Think you can handle some more?"

"Your tongue game isn't that good."

He scoffs. "Still coherent enough to give me lip, I'd say you're good."

He sits up, reaching toward his nightstand drawer, fishing out a box from inside.

"Oh, a new box of condoms..." You rise to your knees. slinging your arms around Mike from behind, your tits pressed up against his back. "Were you expecting to get laid tonight, Michael?" you tease, slowly kissing his neck.

"You say that as if it wasn't your idea to spend the night when Abby had her sleepover." He fiddles with opening the box, tearing off a single condom from the rest.

"If I recall, you weren't opposing the idea either," you goad, trailing your lips onto his freckled shoulder. "It's good that we're being responsible; now come here. I want more kisses." You take the condom from between his fingers and place it back on his nightstand along with the box as you urge him back down on top of you.

He obliges, his lips meeting yours as you trail all over each other's bodies. His hard cock lays in between your thighs, aching and throbbing with need, so you decide to grant him a little relief. You slide your hand into his boxers and slowly stroke his cock. His breath hitches slightly, bringing amusement to your face as your lips brush against his.

"So hard for me already, poor thing." You nuzzle into his face a little, sliding your nose against his as you lick into his mouth, silently asking for his tongue once again. He gives as much as he can, panting into your kiss.

After just a few minutes of lazily jerking him off, you slide his pants lower on his thighs, bracing his cock right in between your slit and slowly start to rock your hips back and forth. The kiss becomes lazy, just tongues caressing each other while moans echo throughout the room, every vein from his cock brushing up against your clit as the two of you rock together. The heat and slick making both of you quiver.

You release him on the brink of going too far, choosing to then reach over for the singular packet, the shiny foil catching in the light.

"Can you manage to put this on, or do I need to do it?" you jest.

"I got it." He sits himself on the edge of the bed, plucking the condom from your grasp. You hear the sound of the package tearing, and soon after his bottoms are gone too, both of you nude together.

"So, how you wanna do this?" he asks while rolling on the latex.

"Wanna be in your lap."

"Are you sure your legs can handle that?" he chuckles, caressing your thigh.

"My legs aren't made of jello," you retort, getting up on your knees while he scoots backward.

"Alright, but no complaining if you get tired."

You crawl over toward him, and he reaches out for you, taking hold of your hips as you swing one leg over both of his.

"Hi," you say as you're face to face with him, one arm slung lazily over his shoulder, grazing his back, the other resting against his cheek as your finger strokes his cheek.

"Hey," he chirps back.

You give him a quick kiss, moving your hand from his face to his cock, feeding him through your entrance, and sinking down on him slowly, the two of you groaning into each other's mouths. Your tummy folds in on itself as you reach the base.

You're not sure if you'll ever get used to the intimacy of it all. No matter how many times you go through this, you wonder if the feeling of overwhelming consumption will subside. If one day, it won't feel like Mike is looking right into your soul every time you have sex.

You whimper slightly as you settle, his girth stretching you out deliciously. You cup his face as your lips search for his again. His hand moves to caress you, one hand gliding down your spine and the other grabbing the fatty flesh at the bend of your hip joint. They never stay in place, though, always on the move, making sure no part of your body is left undesired.

You roll your hips for the most part, bouncing only every so often when you want to feel the stretch of being filled again, mostly wanting to enjoy the feeling of being so close together, so connected. Taking simple pleasures in the feeling of him just being inside you. The hairs that spackle the base of his cock work to add pleasure to your clit.

He kisses his way down your neck, smiling against your skin as he does it, taking in deep breaths of your scent while his hands continue their caress to your breasts, making sure to show them the attention that he neglected while he was eating you out.

His lips move toward your nipple, kissing it before letting his tongue lull out of his mouth, flicking it back and forth.

"Mmm...Mike." Your cunt clenches around him at his efforts, your fingers curling into the hair that sits at the nape of his neck.

His opposite hand slides to your front, rubbing up and down along the curves of your body til it settles on the other breast, rolling the nipple between his digits. His tongue traces around your areola before sucking the nipple into his mouth.

"Christ, Mike," you whine as he locks eyes with you, the movement of your hips quickening with every suck.

This is the only time you get so whiny, when the two of you are in a position like this, so enraptured with each other, in each other's pleasure. You become so sweet and pliant.

He detaches himself from your nipple and eases you onto your back, grabbing the fat of your thighs and pushing them toward your chest so he can fuck you like you need, like you both need. You're not sure if Mike will ever admit to this, but he needs the intimacy as much as you do.

He's deliberate when he sinks back into you, grinding when he reaches the hilt.

When he pulls out, he develops a slow rhythm, one you can both enjoy with its progression. Despite its calm nature, every thrust of his heavy cock ruts into exactly where you need it, rubbing against the spongey spot inside you that makes your toes curl, that lights a fire in your belly and makes you needy once again.

As the moment continues to build, on the precipice of climax, he speaks to you through the haze of pleasure.

"Still need me to kiss you to cum?" He taunts. He knows the answer. It's been the same ever since the two of you got together. The intimacy between the two of you gets you off more than anything else.

You pull him down til he's practically on top of you, his body weight against yours, your tummy folding up so nicely as you lay nose to nose. His scent and his skin on yours grounds you like nothing else. You don't even mind the stretch of your thighs as he holds himself against you.

"Don't act like you don't need this too." You extend your neck in an attempt to push your lips forward on his. "You enjoy intimacy more than your grumpy face lets on." Your eyes are just barely glazed over, the same dopey grin plastered on your face as you reach out to him.

"Shut it," he huffs, pressing his lips into yours for a searing kiss, fucking into you with as much vigor as he can muster. The springs of his mattress squeak wildly as he fucks you through it.

As much as he tries to deflect, he knows it's the truth too. He needs the closeness as well. The intimacy, the skin-to-skin contact, the sweat, the heat, the love

You mewl into the kiss, wrapping your arms around him tightly. Your orgasm sits just beyond the horizon, your cunt clenching down on him harder and harder with every sloppy smack of his lips against yours. The need and desperation grow as your bodies cling together, never wanting to part, edging closer and closer to ecstasy.

You glide your hand down to your clit, rubbing in tight circles as your orgasm crests, taking over your body and moaning into his mouth loudly as you pull him down even further. You're reduced to nothing but babbles and whimpers as he fucks you through your orgasm.

You feel the same words as before bubble up on your tongue. He's here, his body encapsulating yours as close as humanly possible; he's so warm, so safe. He's here, he's yours, and you love him.

You let the words escape you this time, refusing to let them fizzle out into nothingness.

"I love you, Mike," you whisper in his ear.

It's not more than a few seconds later that he's spilling into the condom, his hips still sloppily thrusting and letting out an unexpectedly loud groan while clinging to you.

The air settles, and Mike is still nestled inside you. Your fingers comb through his hair as he brushes along your side, leaving a kiss on your skin every so often, enjoying the afterglow of sex.

You're the first to break through the silence.

"Shower now or in the morning?"

"Morning," he groans, somewhat groggy after everything that went down. He pulls out, getting up to remove the condom and tie it off, tossing it in the waste basket under his nightstand, making a mental note to dispose of it properly later.

"I'm gonna go pee, then we'll snuggle up for the night," you tell him as you head toward the bathroom before he has a chance to trap you in bed with sleepy cuddles.

"Don't fall in," he smirks, feeling proud of himself, and you grin at him for being an idiot.

As you go to wash your hands after finishing up, you hear a muffled. "I love you too" through the bathroom door.

#mike schmidt x reader #mike schmidt smut #mike schmidt imagine #mike schmidt x you #five nights at freddy’s x reader #five nights at freddy’s imagine #five nights at freddy’s smut #fnaf x reader #fnaf smut #fnaf imagine #x reader smut #chubby reader #✰ミ angel writes

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amoebagrl · 10 months

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“i wanna be the one you think about at night”

college au!abby anderson x hyper fem!reader

abby keeps seeing this cute girl all over campus, and when she goes to the first lecture in her new class she finally gets to talk to you!! ♡

warnings: none except for abby being whipped for 30 minutes straight

wc: 735

part one of two

an: my first fic on a new blog!! how exciting ♡ so sorry this is so bad, i’m a little nervous to write 😭 also this is alittle loser!abby oops! song is flaming hot cheetos by clairo!!

not proofread!

(basketball!abby created by the lovely @elsweetheart)

grunting, as she sets down her heavy backpack, she sees you standing in the doorway

you’re the mystery girl. her mystery girl.

you’re just walking into the class, anxiously searching for a familiar face when you lock eyes with her. you’d seen abby anderson before, i mean, she’s the captain of your university’s basketball team.

you quickly scanned the room, looking for anyone else you knew, but ultimately decided on taking a seat next to her.

“hi!” you quickly smile and wave, setting down your pink tote bag at the seat right next to hers.

“oh, um hey” she says, freaking out internally “you’re y/n right? i’m abby” she asks, smiling. “yeah, i am” you laugh “you play basketball here, right?” you question

“yeah- um i do. i’m the captain actually” she clears her throat. what. the hell. she knows me?!?? stay calm abby.

“cool! i’ve always wanted to see you guys play but just haven’t really gotten a chance” you admit, sheepishly, toying with the trim of your baby pink sweater

“i mean, we have a game tomorrow night… that’s if you want to come, of course” “really? i’d love to come!” you chirp

“if you’d want to go earlier i could- i could pick you up, like when i’m on my way… like you could watch us warm up and everything. it sounds boring so if you wouldn’t wanna-“ “yes! omg of course that sounds fun!” she freezes for a second, almost shocked at the fact that you’d even want to see her play

“really?” “yeah” you grin. she’s kind of cute you think to yourself

she stands there for a second, and then fumbles for her phone “can i have your number? so i could text you all the times and… stuff” “sure!” you pull out your phone, which has a baby blue case with little bunnies on it, “here” you take her phone, typing in your number and adding your name, with a little ‘♡’ after it

she hands you your phone back, with her contact now saved “so i’ll text you tomorrow, yeah?” “yeah!” you blush, and turn to take out your laptop

that whole afternoon, she stares at your contact in her phone, drafting about 101 texts she doesn’t dare send.

unbeknownst to her, you’re doing the exact same thing.

the next day your phone ‘dings’

abby: hey, is 4:30 alright? i have to get there earlier and stuff

you: yeah that’s perfect! :) this is my dorm btw

*1 attachment*

abby: i’ll see u then

you: see u!! ♡

a heart???? does that mean anything?? she thinks, mind racing.

you panic, checking the time. “ITS ALREADY NOON?? I NEED MORE TIME TO GET READY” you squeal, alerting your roommate, dina, who was in the middle of doing some homework

“oooo getting ready for who??” “you’ll never guess. not in a million years?” “who?!” ellie, dina’s girlfriend, asks sitting up from dina’s bed “um how long have you been here?” you ask the auburn haired girl, startled. “ummm too long. anyways who is it??” “abby anderson.” you say, quietly, almost in a whisper.

“abby… anderson?” she asks, brows furrowed. “yes… sorry els i know you hate her or whatever” you wince “hate is an understatement. did you know what she said to me in freshman gym??” “ellie, please” dina warns, clearly having heard this story plenty of times

“yeah fine” she shrugs, pulling the duvet back over her head.

“okay so where is she taking you??” dina asks, turning to face you. “well… to her game tonight. it’s not a date or anything!” you say, ignoring the brunettes eye roll “that’s very boring. anyways you should wear that new jean skirt you got last week” “i was thinking of wearing that! with what top though? the pink one? “that’s really flowy?” “yeah!” “and then the white sweater over it!”

“dina. you are literally my fairy godmother” she shrugs off your compliment, “i’m just that good” she brags.

you nervously sit on the edge of your bed in the shared dorm, as ellie and dina already made their way to some party

two sharp knocks on your door echo through the room and you quickly sit up and make your way over to the door, adjusting your purse on your shoulder and you turn the knob.

the door swings open, revealing the muscular blonde in front of you.

“wow.” she breaths out

reblog to help support your fav writers! 🫧

#amoeba rambles🫧#abby anderson #abby anderson x reader #abby anderson fluff #abby anderson x fem reader #abby anderson x y/n #abby anderson x you

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tuliptic · 4 months

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Crazy Form: My Ego's In This Show

First PAC of the year!! When in real I've been working on it since last year lmAO.

My main personality is peaking through this blog again cuz Ateez is back with another banger and as an Atiny, it’s my calling to do this. This reading is gonna be slightly different imo, tho I have no idea how to phrase myself on how different it is.

Most of us, if not all, have a certain side to us that can be considered crazy. The definition of crazy differs according to people and context, where some can be out of control, unbelievable, mad, or just enthusiastic. One person’s craziness is just another person’s normal, so just treat it as… How you want it to be.

To me, this song yells about being yourself, not confining yourself to the social structure and expectations of the world. They might think we’re crazy but there’s nothing wrong with being yourself as long as you’re not harming anyone. Just close your eyes and not look if things are not to your liking, and steer away from me. Leave me alone, I don’t mind.

As usual, you can meditate before you pick a pile. However, for this reading, I’d say go for the one you first focused on, as craziness can be spontaneous. Found your pile? Let’s go see what our Crazy Form has for us!

Pile 1 - Pile 2

Pile 3 - Pile 4

Disclaimer: This is solely for my entertainment purposes. Take only whatever you feel like it. If it doesn’t resonate, it’s okay to just drop it. Also, I do not consent to my work or images being used by third parties on this platform or other websites as well.

Decks used: Luna Cat Tarot Deck (Major Arcana), Linestrider Tarot Deck, Sweet Dreams Oracle Deck, Starcodes Astro Oracle Deck, self made lyrics deck.

Pile 1

A card to represent you: Death

For some reason I see you as someone who prolly is into the punk genre? Something metal? You’re constantly transforming yourself, trying new things, finding your way throughout the world probably through means that are not well received by others. Weirdly the word osmosis came to mind? You tend to throw yourself into the exact situation to learn and understand why people react a certain way. It sounds cool, but to people around you, they think you’re out of your mind cuz it could mean that you may go to the extremes to get the experience you want. But to you, you prolly feel proud of it cuz you are constantly growing at an astounding speed.

1. What do people think is crazy about you? - Three of Wands rx

You tend to not credit yourself? It’s giving me the feeling that you tend to look at things from the sidelines, may it be your success or achievements. You don’t mind the credits, but to others they’ll get mad cuz you were not credited accordingly. They tend to not understand why you’d let your work get taken away or used (I think the same too). This appears to be a mystery to people around you, but you know what you want, so you’re chill with it. It’s giving me the feeling where you do things to gain experience and to build yourself, not to gain recognition. May be wrong here, but you know yourself best. OvO

2. What craziness is in you that has not been unleashed? - Seven of Pentacles

You already chose to not take credits over your own work, and it will drive people crazy that whatever you’re doing is not the peak. You’re currently doing things at your own pace, to figure things out as you go. One day, when you decide to unlock a passion and work on it diligently, yet continuing to not take any credits for yourself, the people around you will flip. You know about this, but you’ve surrounded yourself with people who support your vision and share your values, they who believe that you’ll be able to create your own legacy sky. For some of you, you may also feel that it’s weird if you choose to take credit. Maybe it’s because there’s more than what is seen by the eyes in the material realm. For some reason I’m thinking of Saturn energy here, so some of you may be Saturn dominant.

3. How can you use your Crazy Form to your advantage? - Justice rx

What I’m feeling from here is that you can use this to get out of situations, especially unfair situations. It can sound pretty mean but if things take a bad turn, you, being in no leadership role, can get out of it. This is also one of the reasons you dislike assuming the leadership position. To some, you may like assuming the leader position, but you’re not given the chance or you’re currently not there yet to take on the role. You’re also the type who likes to explore stuffs and hence, you have the skills and ability to venture into anything else new that you are interested in. The world is wide and there are a lot of things for you to try, and you probably go crazy with everything you wanna try, ignoring how small your plate can be.

4. What can you achieve from this entire thing? - Queen of Pentacles

For some reason, the word “connection” came out pretty strong. Networking and connection was the first to pop up in my head. Y’know how people have been told to separate work life and personal life? That’s not what you’ll do, probably. You make friends and create connections through work, and they slowly become part of your personal life as well. I think this is a charm of yours where you are just capable of creating new bonds because of your comforting presence and of your communication skills. You don’t necessarily need to be very protective or nurturing; people just find you comfortable to talk to and the new friendship starts to grow from there. Eventually, they become part of your life even though you may not remain in the same workplace.

Overall energy: Justice, Six of Swords rx

I like how Justice came out twice for you, signifying that it’s a strong theme. Justice could mean being fair, but to me, it also talks about being critical in both mind and action. You possess a mind that’s sharp, where you can see and evaluate the various situations that you’re in, noticing details that many people don’t. It’s like… You’re being guided through all of these so you’re able to throw yourself into as many passion projects as you like. However, remember to keep things in moderation else you’ll feel the burn-out or you’ll get overwhelmed with everything going on. Take care.

Pile 2

A card to represent you: The Hanged Man rx

This card in reverse usually talks about delays, resistance, and even self sacrificing too much. Have you been doing so? Have you been creating a lot of inner tension within yourself, where you try to maintain the exterior peace of the environment and ignore the need of your own inner peace? Remember that external peace isn’t your peace, and that you need to take care of your own needs as well, as you’re in charge of whatever that’s in your life. There are a lot of other ways to maintain a balance out there, you just need to review your priorities and how you’d want to execute it.

1. What do people think is crazy about you? - Three of Cups

Socialisation is the first word that came into my mind. There’s a high chance that you’re an extrovert, where you gain energy by being around people. Not exactly a party animal kinda feeling, but more of a… Vibe assimilation? It’s like, you throw yourself into a place with a good vibe and you kinda absorb the good vibe and make yourself feel better with it. Once you’re feeling better, you feel that you’re more prepared to face whatever problems you were facing. It’s also the other way round, where you give out good vibes and fun times to those around you who are having a hard time. But also, you need to be aware if this is their preferred love language or you may not be helping them the way they need it.

2. What craziness is in you that has not been unleashed? - Page of Cups rx

Are you a romantic? Cuz this card here is giving me this vibe. It feels like… You’re a romantic in heart, where your heart is open to love as it manifests into the world. Take this as a reminder to not go wild. You can fall in love deep and quick, and can jump to new relationships easily. To you, you just view love as love, and you think it’s alright to get into or break off relationships cuz you’re loyal to love. However, a relationship doesn’t work only on love, but also responsibilities, loyalty, and a lot of other aspects. Ground yourself, find out what is it that you want by getting into relationships. From there, only you figure out how you can work things out without potentially harming other people in the relationship.

3. How can you use your Crazy Form to your advantage? - Wheel of Fortune rx

I feel that with your Crazy Form, you are very capable of changing the courses of lives. Plural. It’s not only your life that you’re changing, where you learn through the relationships and experiences you’ve gone through; but also the lives of others who have been in relationships with you, where they may learn a thing or two, or even have problems with the idea of “love”. You know that you’re the co-creator of your life and destiny, but also, you need to be aware of the impact you have, how you can also change the lives of others for the better. You now know you have the power, how you’re gonna use it is now up to you.

4. What can you achieve from this entire thing? - The Devil, Page of Swords

You can be the Devil, where you can draw out the worst possible potential in someone; or you can also be the Messenger, where you share your knowledge and wisdom to those who are interested in them. There’s a lot you can achieve, but ultimately, it depends on which path you want to tread on. You, Pile 2, you know you’re fire, you know you can warm people or burn them. I don’t want to repeat things but yeah. You can make a name for yourself, may it be in a nice light or a not-nice light. Whatever you choose, make sure you think through the consequences of your actions, and if you’re alright or satisfied with the outcome.

Overall energy: Temperance rx, Four of Wands

Overall speaking, there’s a lack of balance in this pile. It feels like the energy is scattered, and that now you’re taking your time to piece the puzzles (scattered energy, self-expectations, better understanding of yourself) into a nice and harmonious picture (you). You are searching for a community where you are comfortable with, you can work together with. I don’t think this pile has much difficulties in self-acceptance, but if you do, do work on them as it could be your greatest challenge. Once you’re through that? You’ll be surprised by how much power you have.

Pile 3

A card to represent you: The Hierophant

I… Am conflicted with how I should word myself. The Hierophant is usually related with traditional and conventional methods. There’s a hint of tradition here, but what I’m feeling is more of a… Fusion? It’s like you’re working with whatever and whichever part of the tradition you agree with, and mixing it with something else to have a new blend. This is you. You are good at combining the best of both worlds to bring forth something new that is comforting to you and the people around you. You may also have been told that you have a healing presence? Or you’re working on your inner healing right now, especially childhood trauma.

1. What do people think is crazy about you? - Ten of Wands rx

The way you willingly and fearlessly take up responsibilities is what people (including myself) think is crazy about you. Most people will consider and ponder, weighing the pros and cons before deciding if they wanna take up the responsibility to take up something or anything. But for you, it’s like you have some sort of blind faith that you’ll be able to do things and hence, you take up the responsibility. You also have almost no fear in showing or exposing your vulnerability. You understand that being vulnerable doesn’t necessarily mean weak, and you honour that part of you, showing it and proving that being vulnerable doesn’t mean you can’t achieve things.

2. What craziness is in you that has not been unleashed? - Four of Pentacles rx

You’re actually… restraining yourself a lot. Unknown to the people around you (or even yourself), you have always felt the need to exert control over particular things, or even other people, but especially yourself. The controlling side of yours is due to the insecurities that you’ve experienced, probably as a kid, where you need to have a certain control over situations so that you can be assured of your self value. You probably have gone through child trauma and do not hold trust in the world, nor in people around you, which led to you wanting to be in charge of things so you can exert dominance to make sure you’re not on the passive or losing end.

3. How can you use your Crazy Form to your advantage? - The Magician rx, Five of Cups rx

You can use that controlling energy and redirect them to some other things, such as creativity expressions (creating new things to have fun) or even focusing on healing past traumas. All of these require a lot of energy and time, which is something really suitable for you to work on as you expand not only your views on things, but also to learn acceptance and to be kinder to yourself. Expansion is a huge theme where you need to find things out and figure them out as you journey in life. There’s a lot of time for you to figure things out, so it’s best to not rush and learn to take things at your own pace.

4. What can you achieve from this entire thing? - Eight of Pentacles

Success is guaranteed if you put your energy in the right things. You’ll be able to become the pinnacle in whatever fields you have decided to step into. The tenacity you have, the diligence and hard work you’ve put into curating your portfolio and honing your skills will be well repaid in the forms of success, achievements, recognition and even power. However, there’s a need to maintain balance in all things, and to continue striving and improving. Know that you’ll need to constantly learn how to change your controlling energy to something that’s more… beneficial? Something that can help you (and/or the people you care for) in the long run.

Extra cards: Five of Pentacles

An extra message for you right now is that you still will need to go through some things before you reach there. You’re still in the process of learning, and you’ll face your own trials soon enough. You need to be aware of your own mindset, your own actions; only then you’ll be able to make the necessary changes for you to be able to unlock your highest potential. Your guides are also actively sending you messages. Trust in your guts, your feelings, your guides; they’re your strongest compass and confidant.

Overall energy: Death, The Star

This pile focuses a lot on the importance of change, and how it’s capable of making your life better or worse. However, it also reassures that there’s a silver lining within every dark cloud. There may be a sense of defeat for some who chose this pile, but it is also a sign of telling, where you’re called to surrender the old and limiting beliefs before you can be reborn into limitless possibilities. The process of being reborn is not easy, and you will need help around you to go through those times. Not saying that you can’t handle everything alone, but getting help and assistance from people around you, especially those who are close to you can help you and make your life so much easier. So why go through the long-winded route?

Pile 4

A card to represent you: The Emperor

I’m getting a… Growl? People probably paint you as dominant or domineering at times (or most of the time). You may have a stronger masculine energy, even if you identify as some other genders. There’s this fire energy that feels like Scorpio as well, where people (including your subordinates and to some extent, friends) may feel afraid. Some of you are aware of this and are pleased with this, but some of you are unaware of this trait of yours. You can choose to either work on it and be a benevolent king, or you can be a tyrant. The choice is yours, you are who you want to become.

1. What do people think is crazy about you? - Temperance, Two of Pentacles

You’re able to remain your balance amidst the changes that are happening around you. There’s just this… Stability in you that assures the people around you. Pluto is in Capricorn and it’s about to enter Aquarius for good. We have seen how things changed around us, and how there were more… THings that have been constantly happening. Yet, even with the never-ending chaos, you still manage to keep your emotions and rationality at a healthy level. You know that you rely not only on yourself, but also your dreams and your spirit’s energy to reach your highest good. But still, you achieving this is just insane in many people’s eyes.

2. What craziness is in you that has not been unleashed? - King of Swords rx

People are seeing the balanced side of you at the moment, but they probably have not thought of you being a person who focuses more on the mind than the emotional side. You probably have the habit of noticing the slightest things, and you’re very capable of putting the small pieces together to form the bigger picture. If anyone ever wrongs you, this side of yours will appear and will probably mess up their life cuz they messed yours. You do put in effort in keeping this side of yours aside as you’re very much intending on keeping things civil.

3. How can you use your Crazy Form to your advantage? - The Chariot

If you ever wanted to take over the corporate business, you’re very capable of doing so. Take the wheel, steer to where you want to head to, and hit the gas. You will not be lost as long as you are sure of where you’re going. Also, because of this introspective side of yours, you can help a lot of those who are in need. I’m somehow seeing you piecing up information to gather evidence against domestic violence cases. You are willing to help, as long as they ask. The same goes to you, where you’ll also receive help from the universe when you ask for them. You just seem to be in sync with divine timing, which is something you can pay attention to.

4. What can you achieve from this entire thing? - The High Priestess rx

I am very tempted to say that you’ll end up losing your feminine and intuitive side, but there’s more to it. Sure, there may be chances of you straying away from the quieter side of you, but it is also a chance for divine intervention where your guides are re-introducing you the importance of your feminine side, showing you how being in-tune with your emotions can bring you to places you’ve never thought of, to bring your the emotional fulfilment that you’ve never imagined. More importantly, it’s an opportunity for you to learn the importance of stability and sustainability, and make sure that whatever you do and learn is gonna be part of your life, part of your identity.

Overall energy: The Hanged Man rx, The Tower rx

There’s quite some blockage here that you’re facing, where you may feel challenged with everything that’s happening around you. Remember that you’re not in control of everything around you, that things happen for a reason, and that it’s okay to go along the flow from time to time. The Universe is trying to guide you to where you’re supposed to be, so stop being stubborn and learn to accept things for the time being. At least, until you’re strong enough to go against what you’ve decided to fight. You’re meant to do great things, to achieve so much more in life. But first, you need to learn to accept your flaws and the harsh reality, only then you can be sure of what you want to rebel against.

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yamayuandadu · 4 months

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Tenshō Daijin: the many guises of medieval Amaterasu (part 1)

I’ve been working on this article on and off since late 2021, and it’s the longest one I’ve published on my blog so far (some of my wikipedia contributions are bigger, but that’s a separate matter). In fact, it's so long I have to split it into two due to limitations of tumblr's post editor.

When most people speak of “Japanese mythology”, 99% of the time they effectively think just of the Kojiki and Nihon Shoki (with some night parade scrolls sprinkled in, maybe, even though that’s not really mythology, but Edo period popular entertainment). The goal of this article is to challenge this incorrect view, and to shed some light on the mythology of the Japanese “middle ages” - roughly between the 11th and the 16th centuries. I decided to use Amaterasu as the main topic, as it’s hard to think of a better way to showcase how much mythology remains outside the general perception than using a figure who, at least at first glance, is well known as an example. From Brahma longing for a friend to Yang Guifei surviving own death, I’m sure everyone will find something new here. Myths obviously aren’t all that will be covered here, though. I’ll also discuss the theological doctrines which flourished in the middle ages, with a particular emphasis on honji suijaku, their social context, and more. You will be able to find out what rituals focused on Amaterasu had to do with Enma and Taizan Fukun, how economic woes of the Outer Shrine of Ise impacted Brahma’s role in Japan, why some secrets existed only to be deliberately revealed, and more.

Kami and Buddhism

In order to discuss the development of Amaterasu’s character and her associations with other figures through the middle ages, as well as the myths which developed as a result, I’ll first need to summarize the nature of interactions between kami and Buddhism through the Nara, Heian and medieval periods. I’m specifically saying kami, as opposed to Shinto, for reasons which will become clear later. It seems that at first the relation was rather standard as far as early interactions between Buddhism and preexisting religious traditions in areas where it was introduced go. Mark Teeuwen singles out Tibet and various kingdoms corresponding to parts of present day Myanmar as examples particularly similar, though obviously not identical, to early Japan. The parallel developments concerned the Bön faith in the former and the beliefs pertaining to the nat in the latter. The early sources appear to indicate that kami were envisioned as beings who need to strive towards enlightenment themselves. Recitation of sutras was described as a way to bring them closer to that state. However, some rather quickly started to be viewed as active protectors of Buddhism. As early as 741 Hachiman was already regarded as such, for instance. Additionally, combinative “shrine-temples” already existed in the same period too, attesting to a fusion of Buddhism and preexisting tradition.

A schematic representation of some examples of the honji suijaku from the Kasuga mandala (wikimedia commons)

A breakthrough occurred in the ninth century, with the development of honji suijaku (本地垂迹) - the theory on kami being “traces” or “emanations” (suijaku) of Buddhist figures, referred to as “original sources” (honji). Similar theories regarding Daoist figures were at times advanced by Chinese Buddhist scholars as early as in the fifth century, so it was hardly an unparalleled development, though its scope was fairly unique. By the end of the Heian period, honji suijaku became the default mode of understanding kami.

A common misunderstanding today is that honji suijaku meant exact correspondence between a single Buddha and a single kami. In reality, what it created is a “fluid pantheon”, to borrow the title of one of Bernard Faure’s books dealing with this phenomenon. Connections between specific kami and Buddhas (or bodhisattvas) certainly were often established. However, that was not all.

Kami could be connected to other kami, and Buddhas to other Buddhas; and on top of that both groups belonged to an elaborate network which also included devas, wisdom kings, astral deities, legendary heroes and historical figures from various countries (for example Daoist immortals), and beings which defy classification altogether. In Keiran Shūyōshū (溪嵐拾葉集), the notion of honji suijaku is even extended to silkworms (their honji is Aśvaghoṣa). Multiple identifications could coexist, sometimes in the same sources. On top of that, individual figures could change classification depending on context.

The new theological ideas also lead to the formation of new myths, collectively referred to as chūsei shinwa (中世神話; “medieval mythology”). As summarized by Sujung Kim, this term encompasses both the myths which arose in the Japanese “middle ages”, the Kamakura and Muromachi periods (1185-1600), and modern study of them. A closely related, though more narrow, term is chūsei nihongi (中世日本紀), which refers specifically to reinterpretations of preexisting classical myths, for example Nihon Shoki, from the same times.

One of the primary goals of the new myths was to create a metaphorical bridge between Japan and the lands described in Buddhist literature transmitted from China, Korea and beyond. Sutras and other literature were often set in fabulous distant kingdoms or in supernatural realms. At the same time, the material reality of Buddhism tied it to local institutions and landscape. As a result, the local was imbued with a new, universal meaning.

As Mark Teeuwen put it in his article The Buddhist Roots of Japanese Nativism, medieval literature “allowed a local warlord to pose as a golden cakravartin, a local mountain to take on the guise of the cosmic Mt. Sumeru, a local deity to embody an aspect of the World Buddha, and a local rite to aspire to the universal aim of bringing salvation to all sentient beings.” At the same time, the universal gained a local dimension, making it easier to grasp and more approachable.

However, that was hardly the end, more like the beginning - yet another prominent change which occurred over the course of the 12th and 13th centuries resulted in the formation of a new belief: select kami were in fact not emanations of secondary importance of Buddhist figures, but direct representations of enlightenment. These developments eventually culminated in what is sometimes described as “reverse honji suijaku”: Buddhas and bodhisattvas were merely manifestations of primordial kami, not the other way around.

The motivations behind the development of these ideas are not clear. While especially in the past it was commonly assumed that they represented the beginning of a “pristinely Japanese” spirituality reasserting itself against “foreign” Buddhism, most of the theologians involved were Buddhists themselves, or at least enthusiastically drew inspiration from Buddhist sources. Mark Teeuwen and Fabio Rambelli suggest they might have been motivated by a desire to take Buddhist theology to logical extremes in order to investigate the nature of reality before the emergence of the first Buddha and the current kalpa.

Furthermore, in addition to lofty theological speculation material motivations might have been at play. Many of the advocates of reverse honji suijaku might have been so-called “shrine monks”, tasked with maintaining the shrine parts of religious complexes. Possibly their need for broader recognition and greater authority made them keen on such theological reversals. This is ultimately speculative, though.

Curiously, reverse honji suijaku arguably might have led to the creation of Shinto in the modern sense. While the phrase 神道 has a long history, and it is applied to intellectual and religious movements active in the middle ages in modern literature (for example, the treatises of a certain priestly family I’ll discuss are often called “Watarai Shinto”), there is no strong evidence that it was commonly understood as shintō in the modern sense - a distinct religious tradition - predating an explicit statement in a treatise from 1419 written by the Tendai monk Rysōhen dealing with these topics. In the earliest sources the default reading was jindō, referring not exactly to a distinct system of beliefs, but rather to a “realm”of kami ultimately existing in Buddhist context. While Shinto did eventually develop into the tradition which came to define the kami, through the middle ages and the Edo period which followed, honji suijaku was the dominant paradigm, and permeated all spheres of society.

The early history of Amaterasu: sun, textiles and longing for companionship

An Edo period painting of Amaterasu emerging from the cave, by Kunisada Utagawa (wikimedia commons)

While the explanation of the basic nomenclature and a crash course in interactions between Buddhism and kami is now out of the way, before I’ll be able to move on to the impact of the medieval ideas on Amaterasu I need to briefly summarize her earlier history.

Through the article I will simply use the name Amaterasu consistently. However, it should be noted that the standard form of the name, 天照大神, in the middle ages and in the Edo period was often read not as Amaterasu Ōkami, but rather as Tenshō Daijin, in accordance with on’yomi or “Sino-Japanese” sign values. Therefore, don’t be surprised that this is the version used in titles of historical works mentioned. As a curiosity it is worth mentioning that this is actually the reading used fairly consistently in the first western source with reasonably reliable information about Amaterasu (unless I missed something even earlier), Engelbert Kaempfer's History of Japan from 1727.

On a similar note, I generally stick to describing Amaterasu as female. However, it needs to be pointed out that through the middle ages and in the Edo period male Amaterasu is also attested, depending on the source either replacing the female version or coexisting with her. Some modern authors go as far as speculating if Amaterasu wasn’t originally seen as male prior to being redefined as female, but this is not really fully provable. The existence of a tradition according to which Amaterasu manifested in male form is already mentioned by the Tendai monk Jien (1155-1225). There are also sources providing ambiguous information about Amaterasu’s gender. In at least some cases such phenomena were a result of identification with figures either regarded as male or portrayed as androgynous in art, as I outlined in a recent article discussing the case of Amaterasu and Uho Dōji (who won’t be brought up here in any meaningful capacity, since I'm not going to focus on the Edo period). It’s not really possible to make a blanket statement on this matter, though.

Additionally it’s important to bear in mind that identification between two figures could transcend the gender of the parties involved. As you’ll see later, there were even cases of Amaterasu’s identification with a male figure actually resulting in traditions particularly strongly emphasizing her typical gender.

The Inner Shrine at Ise in 2008 (wikimedia commons)

Throughout her entire history Amaterasu has been associated with Ise and its Grand Shrine. According to the Nihon Shoki, that’s where she originally descended from heaven to earth, and where she later returned in order to be enshrined. The term “Ise Grand Shrine” actually refers to a complex centered on two major shrines, though, and only one of them, the Inner Shrine (内宮, naikū), is dedicated to Amaterasu. The kami of the Outer Shrine (外宮, gekū) is instead Toyouke.

The earliest history of Amaterasu is effectively unknowable due to lack of available sources. While she does appear both in the Kojiki and Nihon Shoki in a central role, both of these works only date to the eighth century, and their historicity is often at best dubious. When exactly was her shrine originally established is a matter of debate: supporters of treating Nihon Shoki literally argue for 4 BCE (during the reign of the legendary emperor Suinin), but historians and archeologists favor more vague dating to either the fourth, fifth or seventh century. The earliest detailed records of specific religious ceremonies at Ise can only be found in an administrative protocol compiled in 804.

Historically it was quite popular among researchers to essentially assume being a personification of the sun is all there ever was to Amaterasu’s character, and that she derives her importance entirely from her solar role. Today this view is no longer accepted quite as firmly, and it is even sometimes questioned if this was necessarily her original function, though this is ultimately neither entirely provable nor fully relevant here.

Obviously, the classical Amaterasu also served as a royal deity presented as an ancestor of Japan’s imperial lineage. She was also treated as a symbolic source of its authority by extension of her role as a heavenly ruler commanding the kami. This is an example of the well documented phenomenon of clan kami (氏神, ujigami). However, based on archeological data Ise was not particularly important early on in Japanese history, and the area around it was sparsely populated as late as in the seventh century On top of that it would appear that, if the early texts are to be believed, emperors actually had an ambivalent relationship with her. It has been suggested that her classical position was only established during the reign of emperor Tenmu in the late seventh century, perhaps due to his personal connection to clans from the Ise area.

It’s important to stress here that on multiple occasions in history, in particular recent history, the connection between Amaterasu and emperors was channeled to nationalist and imperialist purposes. For instance, the Japanese colonial government in Korea funded the construction of a complex enshrining Amaterasu and emperor Meiji in the 1920s, and subsequently legally obliged students (among others) to attend ceremonies held there to foster loyalty.

The Outer Shrine in 2015 (wikimedia commons)

A key moment in the early history of Amaterasu was the introduction of the kami Toyouke (豊宇; literally “abundant food”) to Ise. A legend about her arrival is preserved in the aforementioned administrative protocol from 804. According to it, Amaterasu appeared to emperor Yūryaku (second half of the fifth century, if his historicity is to be accepted) in a dream to let him know that she is distressed and lonely, and on top of that can’t receive offerings of food according to proper protocol. She explained that the only way to solve all of these problems is to bring her a kami responsible for divine food (御饌津神, miketsu kami), Toyouke, who is to be found in Hiji no Manai in the Tanba Province. Thanks to this precise guidance, the emperor was able to instantly solve the problem, and Toyouke was moved to Ise, where she symbolically took the responsibility for food offered to Amaterasu.

Presumably, the legend contains at least a kernel of truth, and Toyouke was initially enshrined in a facility meant to fulfill a specific ritual role for the Inner Shrine, which in time grew to rival it in size and importance. Save for these details, much about the early history of Toyouke is even more unclear than in the case of Amaterasu, though. She is only mentioned in passing in the Kojiki under the name Toyoukehime no Kami (豊受姫神) in the account of the birth of Wakumusubi no Kami (和久産巣日神), one of the many kami who came into being as a result of Izanami’s death. However, this passage does not provide any information about her character, it merely states that she is Wakumusubi’s child. This tradition was of limited, if any, interest to the Outer Shrine clergy through the middle ages, as I’ll later demonstrate.

While Wakumusubi also appears in the Nihon Shoki, though with a slightly different genealogy, Toyouke is entirely absent from this work. You can find a claim on the contrary in Michael Como’s Weaving and Binding. Immigrant Gods and Female Immortals in Ancient Japan, but he essentially treats Ukemochi as identical with Toyouke and asserts the myth about Tsukuyomi killing the former is effectively about the latter. It doesn’t seem like any subsequent publications picked up this idea.

The final early source of information about Toyouke is the Tango no Kuni Fudoki (丹後国風土記; “Records of the Tango Province”). It presents her as one of eight “heavenly women” (天津乙女, amatsuotome) who at some point arrived at a spring near Mount Hiji to bathe. An old couple stole the clothes of one of them, rendering her unable to return to heaven. They subsequently ask her to become their daughter, since they have no children. She agrees, and for ten years lives with them, brewing sake which could magically heal “ten thousand ills”. The old man and woman prosper thanks to her. However, they eventually decide to tell her that she is not really their child, and should go back to heaven. She tells them that she has lived among humans for so long this is not an option for her anymore, and leaves in anger. She only calms down after reaching a different village, Nagu, where she is eventually enshrined under the variant name Toyoukanome no Mikoto (豊宇賀能売命). Due to involving a heavenly being having to stay on earth due to her clothes being stolen, this myth has been compared to the better known Hagoromo. Michael Como also argues that it might reflect the perception of Toyouke as a Daoist immortal (hence her ability to bew something akin to the fabled Daoist alchemical elixirs meant to prolong life), similarly to how the legend of Urashima Taro does. While I found his Nihon Shoki argument somewhat dubious as I said, I think this is an interesting point which warrants further study. Similar possibility about Toyouke’s character has been suggested by Bernard Faure too.

It’s also worth noting a possible reference to the Tango no Kuni Fudoki myth has been identified in a painting of the two shrines of Ise from the collection of Shōryakuji, a Buddhist temple located in Nara (seen above; screencapped from Talia J. Andrei's Mapping Sacred Spaces: Representations of Pleasure and Worship in Sankei Mandara, for educational purposes only). It depicts eight female figures standing on a cloud around a container used to make sake in the proximity of the Outer Shrine.

Amaterasu and Buddhism: the ambivalent beginnings

Early sources pertaining to Ise discussed in the previous section are invaluable when it comes to Amaterasu’s position and her connection with Toyouke, but they don’t really shed any light on the development of associations between her and Buddhist figures. Quite the opposite - they indicate that around the year 800, even basic Buddhist terms like “pagoda”, “monk” or “sutra” were considered taboo (忌み, imi) by priests of the Inner Shrine, much like these pertaining to conventional sources of religious impurity like violence, death or illness. However, Mark Teeuwen notes at the same time these very priests most likely took part in Buddhist ceremonies themselves, and there is even some evidence that in the eighth century a Buddhist temple existed in Ise.

The reasons behind the implementation of the taboo were likely largely political, rather than strictly religious. For context: in the second half of the eighth century, empress Shōtoku famously appointed Buddhist monks to various prestigious positions in the royal court. Dōkyō from the Hossō school was even temporarily elevated basically to the rank of her equal (though he eventually fell from grace). This was generally poorly received by other officials, who might have viewed it as an attempt at establishing Buddhist theocracy in place of hereditary monarchy. This in turn likely led to tensions and fueled various succession controversies in subsequent decades. Further problems, like untimely deaths or exile of various members of the imperial family, kept accumulating, and by 804 the prestige of the court was severely damaged. Furthermore, there is evidence that there were various economic conflicts of interest between the Ise clergy and local Buddhist monks.

A sixteenth century painting of emperor Kanmu (wikimedia commons)

Since the oldest source to mention the taboo is an administrative, rather than religious, text, it is not impossible that it was intended by emperor Kanmu as a way to diffuse all these social and political tensions. Mark Teeuwen suggests his goal might have been a way to restore the prestige of his family and create a center of symbolic ancestral cult which would offer him additional legitimacy independent from the Buddhist establishment residing in Nara, which was crucial for many of the previous emperors. As a lifelong student of Confucian philosophy, he likely found many models to draw from in Chinese texts. His vision of Ise was presumably that of an ancestral mausoleum.

Regardless of Kanmu’s decisions, in the long run Buddhism retained its influence in royal affairs. In fact, it was arguably this emperor himself who indirectly caused its revitalization. In 804, he sent two young monks, Saichō and Kūkai, to China. They returned with something previously largely unknown in Japan: esoteric Buddhism. The new schools they established, Tendai and Shingon, captivated the imagination of virtually all strata of society in the nascent middle ages.

Amaterasu, too, came under esoteric Buddhist influence, and gained new roles, often completely detached from her earlier character - or at the very least from the part of it firmly tied just to the ruling family. Mark Teeuwen partially jokingly refers to this chapter in her history as an “escape” from Ise and notes that for a time she has “shaken off the imperial shackles”. There was a material aspect to these processes in addition to the purely theological considerations. In the Kamakura period, the role of warrior classes grew and the imperial court weakened. As a result, the Ise clergy - the Arakida clan of the Inner Shrine and the Watarai clan of the Outer Shrine - gained greater autonomy. The emperors weren’t able to enforce a symbolic monopoly on Ise, which therefore no longer served just as a center of ancestral cult. The downside was the loss of most of the imperial funding, which necessitated innovation to secure other sources of patronage.

The Ise taboos established earlier were not exactly abandoned, but the clergy found ways around them in order to enable Amaterasu to thrive in this new environment. A summary of the theological solution they developed is provided in Nakatomi Harae Kunge (中臣祓訓解; “Reading and Explanation of the Nakatomi Purification Formula) from the late twelfth century: “although on the surface performing ceremonies which are different from the Buddhist teachings, [Amaterasu] in essence protects the Buddhist laws.” Additionally, a myth reinterpreting one of the most famous episodes from the entire Buddhist canon, but with Amaterasu as a new protagonist, was developed to justify the taboo’s existence. I’ll discuss it in a separate section later on.

The reinvention was evidently successful. There is little evidence for widespread worship of Amaterasu in earlier periods. She was effectively little more than a royal deity. Even courtiers had limited, if any, knowledge of her. Only in the middle ages did she come to be widely recognized as a major figure in the Japanese religious landscape among all strata of society. Paradoxically it was the partial detachment from the imperial family that let Amaterasu claim a uniquely elevated position in the pantheon.

One of the best sources of evidence of Amaterasu’s newfound popularity are standardized oath formulas (起請文, kishōmon). In the Kamakura period, she came to appear in them quite frequently. She was invoked either simply as the foremost kami, or alternatively as the “lord of the land” (ie. Japan; 国主, kokushu). Either way, her purpose, much like those of other of the invoked figures, was to guarantee the oath will be upheld, and to punish those who will break it.

The spread of Amaterasu to new audiences resulted in the rise of numerous new interpretations. That’s where the already briefly discussed idea of honji suijaku came into play.

A twelfth century painting of the Buddha Dainichi (wikimedia commons)

As I said earlier, despite the popular understanding of this term honji suijaku did not necessarily just signify correspondences between kami and buddhas. However, in Amaterasu’s case the earliest example actually does match this model. She came to be associated with the Buddha Dainichi (大日, literally “great sun”; from Sanskrit Vairocana).

Some authors, like Bernard Faure, argue that the establishment of a link between Amaterasu and Dainichi was effectively the core of the early honji suijaku as a whole. Purportedly the belief that a connection existed between them went all the way back to the teachings of the famous monk Gyōki, active in the first half of the eighth century. The historicity of this claim is uncertain, but it was understood as historical truth in the discussed time periods, at the very least. Anna Andreeva, relying on earlier studies by Satoshi Itō, notes that it would appear Seizon’s (成尊; 1012–1074) Shingon Fuhō San'yōshō (眞言付法纂要抄; “An Abbreviated Compendium of the Transmission of Shingon Buddhism) from 1060 has a strong claim to being the oldest attested example which can be properly dated.

While other Buddhas, such as the historical Buddha, Amida (Amitābha), Miroku (Maitreya) or Yakushi (Bhaiṣajyaguru), are obviously also present in Japanese Buddhism, historically, especially prior to the rise of Amida-centrist schools, Dainichi was by far the most important one. This is especially pronounced in Shingon, where he is recognized as the “first Buddha” (Ādi-Buddha). Dainichi’s importance coupled with his solar associations made him a suitable match for Amaterasu in the eyes of theologians. Amaterasu’s solar role is pretty widely acknowledged in Buddhist sources, and she could be labeled as a “solar deity”, nisshin (日神). She was also identified with Nittenshi (日天子), the Buddhist version of the Hindu sun god Surya. However, Nittenshi could also function as a distinct figure and had his own iconography.

A twelfth century hanging scroll showing Nittenshi in the company of attendants (Kyoto National Museum; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

The development of a connection between Amaterasu and Dainichi brought a number of changes to Ise. As an extension of it, the Inner Shrine and Outer Shrine at Ise came to be identified with the Womb Realm mandala and the Diamond Realm mandala, closely associated with him.

The Ise clergy additionally argued that the taboo observed as the shrines does not impact Amaterasu’s connection to Dainichi - rather she (and by extension Toyouke as well) represents not a mere trace of this Buddha, but “original enlightenment” (hongaku). A new systematization of kami was built around the idea: at Ise, only Amaterasu and Toyouke were regarded as belonging to the category of “kami of original enlightenment”, with other divided into “kami of inception of enlightenment” (those who had to actively embrace Buddhism) and “kami of delusion” (those who opposed it). Similar categories were employed in different areas too, though, with the head local kami, for example Suwa Daimyōjin or Sannō (山王), taking the same role as Amaterasu at Ise. While Dainichi can be considered Amaterasu’s essential honji suijaku pair, I already pointed out, it was hardly unusual for a specific figure to develop multiple connections within the honji suijaku framework, though, and this holds true for her too.

Amaterasu, Enma and other functionaries of the underworld

Enmaten (wikimedia commons)

Next to Dainichi, Amaterasu’s best attested Buddhist “counterpart” is not a Buddha, but rather a deva, specifically Enma, the judge of the dead. While many other devas present in Japanese Buddhism largely languish in obscurity today, at least in popular perception, he is probably the most recognizable one next to the Four Heavenly Kings, so I do not think much of an introduction is needed. Even if you are not particularly interested in the history of religions, chances are you’ve seen him in one piece of media or another.

Technically there are two distinct forms of Enma in Japanese tradition - Enmaten (焔摩天), who is more of a “classical” Hindu-style deva fairly similar in appearance to the original Yama, and the more popular Enma-ō (閻魔��; “king Enma”), styled after the bureaucratic Chinese underworld deities - but this distinction is not very important here. His rise to prominence in Japan started in the early ninth century at the latest, and by the ten century he was also joined by Taizan Fukun (東岳大帝; originally Taishan Fujun), a similar deity incorporated into Buddhism from Daoism. The latter was essentially the model for all of the other judges of the underworld: from the Buddhist kings of hell, to various local gods who took this role in the popular religion of Qing China. He might have even influenced the development of Matarajin in medieval Japan, but that’s a topic for another time.

It seems that a link between Amaterasu and Enma was initially established through an intermediary, specifically Seoritsuhime (瀬織津姫). She is identified with the king of hell in the Nakatomi Harae Kunge. While much about this text remains a mystery, in this case the logic behind the equation is quite clear - both of them were invoked during ritual purification. The means were not quite the same: Enma throws the sources of impurity into the deepest hells, while Seoritsuhime casts them into the ocean. Still, the level of similarity was sufficient to warrant establishing a connection.

Seoritsuhime is described both as a servant of Amaterasu, and as her aramitama (荒魂), literally “rough spirit”. This term designates the wrathful, or at least impulsive, aspect of a given kami. In Nakatomi Harae Kunge Seoritsuhime as a manifestation of Amaterasu is also more specifically described as ara-tenshi (荒天子), “heavenly emperor manipulating the brutish force”.

An Edo period depiction of Taga Myōjin from the collection of Kyoto City University of Arts (via Bernard Faure's Fluid Pantheon; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

Tenshō Daijin Kuketsu (天照大神口決; “Oral Transmission Pertaining to Tenshō Daijin”), a fourteenth century theological treatise, also embraces the equation between Enma and Amaterasu. It explains that he corresponds to the form of Amaterasu associated with the Taga shrine, Taga Myōjin (多賀明神). She has a distinct iconography, and fairly consistently appears as a horsewoman on either a black or white steed (always shown frontally), with a sword in one hand and a box with a sutra in the other. The same source also equates Amaterasu with Godō Daishin (五道大神; originally Wudao Dashen), the “god of the five paths”, another king of hell. In the Nakatomi Harae Kunge, it is instead a purifying kami, Haya-Akitsuhime (速秋津比売神), “the beloved of the dragon king Nanda”, who corresponds to him, though. The passage establishing this also mentions a similar link between yet another purifying kami, Ibukidonushi, and Taizan Fukun (curiously, the explanatory line states that the river where Izanagi purified himself after fleeing from Izanami is identical with Mt. Tai, the residence of Taizan Fukun). However, the latter is also said to be the aramitama of Toyouke.

A Japanese statue of Baozhi (Kyoto National Museum; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

Tenshō Daijin Giki (天照大神儀軌; “A ritual manual [for the worship] of Tenshō Daijin”) states that Amaterasu as a judge of the dead commands eleven messengers referred to as “princes”. It’s not easy to date this text precisely, though it’s clear it was already in circulation by 1164. It claims to contain knowledge originally revealed to the legendary Chinese monk Baozhi (寶誌; 418-524), best known from a legend commonly referenced in art in which he tears his face apart to reveal the visage of bodhisattva. The text effectively redefines Ise itself as a place where the underworld officials gather, imbuing the temple complex with new meaning, detached from its older role as a center of royal ancestor cult.

The eleven messengers listed are Zuikō Tenshi (a manifestation of Enma), Ryūgū Tenshi (dragon king Nanda), Suijin Tenshi (dragon king Batsunanda), Tenkan (“magistrate of heaven”), Chikan (“magistrate of earth”), Shimei (an underworld official), Inin Tenshi (equated with Izanagi and with Shiroku, an underworld official paired with Shimei in other sources), Kōzan Tenshi (Taizan Fukun), Godō Daishin, Kazenagashi no Kami and Okitama (a water deity equated with Suikan, “magistrate of water”). They correspond to various auxiliary shrines at Ise. Each of them is said to command a retinue of “four thousand trillion spirits”. While abstractly big entourages are quite common in medieval sources, from Michizane’s 105000 thunder god subordinates to Tenkeisei’s 84000 shikigami, even by these standards the number is unusually high.

The Enmaten mandala, with Taizan Fukun (middle of the top row) and Shimei, Godo Daishin and Shiroku (bottom row) shown among his attendants (wikimedia commons)

The lists of underworld officials serving Amaterasu show a considerable degree of overlap with these present in ritual texts Enmaten Ku (閻魔天供) and Taizan Fukun no Sai (泰山府君祭; you may know it from the story of Tamamo no Mae). Notably, Tenkan, Chikan, Suikan, Shimei and Shiroku are all members of Enma’s entourage in origin. The last two are scribes responsible for keeping track of human lifespans, but the role of the former three is not well understood.

Another deity present both in these rituals and in Amaterasu’s entourage, Godo Daishin, is a king of hell in his own right. His origin is unclear, though the oldest sources which mention him are Chinese apocryphal episodes from hagiographies of the historical Buddha. As the “god of the five paths”, he is responsible for assigning the dead to one of the five realms of rebirth: these of gods, humans, animals, hungry ghosts or hell. Notably missing is the asura realm, which didn’t particularly catch on in East Asian Buddhism. In the oldest sources, he is portrayed as somewhat inept and after meeting the Buddha implores him to teach him how to fulfill his role better. Enmaten Ku and Taizan Fukun no Sai attained a considerable degree of popularity in the eleventh and twelfth centuries due to the spread of the bureaucratic image of hell, and many laymen sought Buddhist monks (in the case of the former ritual) and onmyōji (in the case of the latter) who could perform them. They were supposed to heal illnesses, prolong life, secure an easy birth or simply to guarantee good fortune. It’s not impossible that furnishing Amaterasu with a similar role to their central deities was meant to let her clergy from Ise capitalize on the popularity of such rituals too. The spread of the new image of Amaterasu as a judge of the dead was also likely tied to her judiciary role in the already discussed oath formulas, where she essentially acts as a supernatural enforcer of legal claims.

Hokusai's drawing of three dragon kings, including Nanda and Batsunanda (British Museum; reproduced here for educational purposes only)

The final matter that needs to be addressed here is the presence of dragon kings Nanda (難陀) and Batsunanda (跋難陀; Sanskrit Upananda) in Amaterasu’s underworld entourage. In contrast with their peers, they do not have anything to do with Enma. In Buddhist cosmology, they support the cosmic mountain Sumeru, on which the highest devas like Indra and Brahma reside. More context on their connection to Ise is provided in the treatise Bikisho (鼻帰書), which cites the Outer Shrine priest Tsuneyoshi Watarai (度会常昌; 1263-1339) as its source. It actually states that all eight of the dragon kings are protectors of Ise, though also that only two, one blue and one white (with no names provided), can be used to represent respectively the Inner Shrine and the Outer Shrine. The connection is said to depend on their role as protectors of the Womb Realm and Diamond Realm mandalas. Multiple sources from Ise indicate they were believed to dwell under the central pillars of the Inner Shrine and the Outer Shrine, in this context additionally identified with the cosmic abode of the gods, Mount Sumeru.

Amaterasu, Toyouke and Brahma (times two)

Bonten, the Japanese version of Brahma (wikimedia commons)

While Dainichi made a natural match for Amaterasu, and the reasons behind her association with Enma, while less obvious, aren’t hard to understand either, the third Buddhist figure most commonly associated with her, Bonten, is quite surprising. This deity, the Japanese Buddhist guise of Brahma, has limited presence in popular understanding of Buddhism, but generally much like his Hindu forerunner he is portrayed as a distant deity with limited interest in everyday human affairs. And yet, in medieval Japan Brahma was identified with a figure both commonly worshiped and understood as quite active.

This tradition is documented in Tenshō Daijin Giki. It reaffirms that Amaterasu - seemingly treated as a male figure in this case - is the Japanese guise of Dainichi. However, in the “Realm of Form” - a Buddhist term referring to the world inhabited by humans and deities - he takes the guise of Bonten, and acts as the deva king of Japan. His life will last a total of 105000 years, and he will defend exactly 1000 rulers over the course of this period, before ascending to the Realm of Form to hear the preaching of Miroku. He will also help the faithful reach it.

The already discussed Tenshō Daijin Kuketsu also recognizes the equivalence between Amaterasu with Bonten, though it also furnishes her with a similar connection to the other ruler of the devas, Taishakuten (Indra), and states that both of these equations depend on the doctrine of Abhidharmakośa. Perhaps more unexpectedly, the same work also equates Amaterasu with Shōten (聖天, literally “noble god”; a Japanese form of Ganesha), specifying that this reflects a Shingon view. However, the thirteenth century scholar Ieyuki Watarai (詳細表示; 1256-1356) in his Jingi Hishō (神祇秘抄; “Secret Comments about the Deities”) mentions a different tradition in which this god’s connection with Amaterasu is less direct. He is said to be identical with a nameless “heavenly fox” (天狐, tenko) who acts as her acolyte.

Yet another text already brought up in the previous section, Nakatomi Harae Kunge, does not equate Amaterasu with Brahma outright, but it does redefine terms from classical mythology around him. The High Plain of Heaven (高天原 Takamagahara) is said to be identical with the “First Meditation Heaven of the Realm of Form, ruled by Bonten”. Furthermore, the collective label Yaoyorozu no Kami (八百万の神; literally “eight myriad kami”) is said to encompass “Bonnō, Taishaku, the innumerable devas, the four Great Heavenly Kings, the innumerable devas of Bonnō, and eighty four thousand kami.”

The newfound interest in Brahma in the middle ages reflected an intellectual development arguably unparalleled in earlier Japanese religious tradition - a preoccupation with cosmology.

Kojiki and Nihon Shoki obviously do deal with this topic, but the relevant sections are incredibly brief. This new discourse about cosmology was, at its core, Buddhist, but a major issue was that Japanese Buddhism was not very concerned with cosmology either. The two main sources of inspiration were, therefore, not contemporary Buddhist literature, but Chinese (mainly Daoist) texts on one hand, and accounts of Hindu cosmology, especially the Puranas, preserved in Buddhist sources on the other. Figures such as Pangu, the Three Pure Ones, Shiva or Brahma as a result attained considerable renown among Japanese theologians, who reinterpreted myths about them to suit local context, creating new narratives in the process.

A contemporary statue of Kuni no Tokotachi (wikimedia commons)

In some cases the poorly defined primeval kami from classical mythology could be incorporated into the new visions of cosmology created in the middle ages. Ame no Minakanushi from the Kojiki and Kuni no Tokotachi present both in this work and the Nihon Shoki are both well attested in that context, though references to Ame Yuzuru Hi Ame no Sagiri Kuni Yuzuru Hi Kuni no Sagiri from the Sendai Kuji Hongi can be found too. They were effectively treated as almost interchangeable, or as stages of emanation of the same entity, as documented for example in the writings of the Tendai monk Jihen (慈遍).

Two strains of cosmological speculation, these focused on Brahma and primordial kami, were in particular enthusiastically embraced by the Outer Shrine clergy at Ise, who utilized both of them to improve the standing of Toyouke. As I mentioned before, her role, while seemingly initially relatively minor, grew with time. In many regards, she came to be presented as Amaterasu’s equal. She was furnished with an association with the moon to match Amaterasu’s solar character, for example. The first attempts at elevating Toyouke through theological speculation weren’t necessarily grand in scale. She was simply identified with other kami of similar characters every now and then, for example with Uka no Mitama. An isolated source, a letter from the early Kamakura period, appears to present her identical with Ninigi, Amaterasu’s grandson, instead, but this evidently did not stick.

A breakthrough occurred in the late thirteenth century. The outer shrine clergy developed a view that Toyouke didn’t originate as a servant brought in to deal with Amaterasu’s loneliness and other needs, but rather a primordial kami, identical with Ame no Minakanushi or Kuni no Tokotachi. Toyouke in this guise was the foremost kami of heaven, and Amaterasu “merely” the foremost kami of earth. However, as I already pointed out, the new cosmologies which influenced this reinterpretation of Toyouke depended not only on classical mythology. Therefore, the Outer Shrine’s kami could also be identified with Brahma, or credited with controlling the proper flow of qi and thus yin and yang, following a Daoist model. Much of this theological speculation might have originated in the works of a single priest, Yukitada Watarai (度会行忠; 1236-1305), though he was far from the only contributor.

It’s worth pointing out that there was a practical material component to the theological speculation about the identity of Toyouke. Regardless of the relation of their respective kami, Inner and Outer Shrine were ultimately rivals competing for patronage. To present Toyouke as equally, if not more, important as Amaterasu was also a way to make potential donors, from shoguns to commoner pilgrims, more inclined to support the Outer Shrine. While prior to the Kamakura period Ise could securely depend on imperial funding alone, that changed with the weakening of the court. Therefore, securing new supporters was vital for their continuous activity. This remained the case through the Edo period as well, but this topic obviously goes beyond the scope of this article.

Identification of both Toyouke and Amaterasu as Brahma was not necessarily contradictory thanks to the existence of sources in which more than one Brahma appears. Nobumi Iyanaga points out that two Brahmas, Mahābrahmā Śikhin (ie. Brahma as the king of the gods) and Mahābrahmā Jyotiṣprabha (“Great Brahma of Brilliant Light”), appear in the Yamato Katsuragi Hōzanki (大和葛城宝山記), with one reflecting traditional portrayals of Brahma and the other representing a reinterpretation of an account of Vishnu as a creator figure. Both of the titles used appear in the enumeration of deities listening to the Buddha’s teachings in the Lotus Sutra. Two Brahmas also appear in the Bikisho, where “king Brahma” descends from heaven, but instantly starts longing for a friend. In response, a deity named Harama, an alternate transliteration of Brahma into Japanese, appears to him. The notion of Toyouke and Amaterasu being two Brahmas might have developed in the thirteenth century at Senkūin, a Buddhist temple closely affiliated with the Ise shrines. A text from this location dated to between 1240 and 1275 states that Toyouke, addressed as identical with Ame no Minakanushi, corresponds to Shiki Daibontennō (尸棄大梵天王; “emperor Mahābrahmā Śikhin”) and Amaterasu to Kōmyō Daibontennō (光明大梵天王; “emperor Mahābrahmā Jyotiṣprabha”). It also specifies Toyouke is male and Amaterasu female, which reflects splitting Brahma into a male-female cosmogonic pair. Nobumi Iyanaga points out the theological treatise Tenchi Reikiki (天地麗気記) goes a step further: the two deities are said to partake in intercourse. He suggests this represents a development of the motif of Brahma longing for a friend in the Bikisho. Tenchi Reikiki also states the couple personifies the Womb Realm and Diamond Realm.

A Kamakura perioid painting of Kūkai holding a vajra (wikimedia commons)

As a digression it’s worth pointing out that while the Tenchi Reikiki was only written in the Kamakura period, it was actually attributed at the time to Kūkai, who lived centuries earlier. Obviously one reason was that there’s no better way to make a treatise seem more authoritative than to claim it was written by a celebrated historical figure. However, it’s also worth pointing out that at some point a connection between Kūkai and Amaterasu developed. A tradition known from a number of works, for example Monkan’s treatise Himitsu Gentei Kuketsu (秘密源底口決) presents him as a manifestation of her.

The Watarai theories about the nature of Toyouke and Amaterasu have originally been written down in the Kamakura period in the so-called “secret books''. This term has been used to refer to them collectively since the Edo period, when they were standardized for a relatively brief time into a “canon” of sorts. While tradition has it that there were five of them, research revealed the existence of further texts in medieval tradition, with one rediscovered in 1955, for example. At least in theory, the individual Watarai books present information contained within as a special sort of secret, designated by the Buddhist term shōgyō (聖教; literally “sacred teachings”). Originally it referred to the teachings of the historical Buddha, or to the Buddhist canon more broadly, but in medieval Japan the term came to refer to specific kinds of knowledge transmitted by monks and other religious specialists in general.

While sometimes referred to as “secrets” in English, shōgyō were not necessarily impossible to share. Through the entire middle ages, many temples and shrines all across Japan effectively actively built their identity around making it known that they possess religious secrets worth knowing and can transfer them. Sometimes, they were intentionally “leaked” to nobles, imperial courtiers or fellow clergymen to spark interest. They were also utilized in annual “debate rituals” (論義会, rongie) held by authorities for religious scholars, who treated them as a way to hone their rhetorical skills and gain new theological insights.

The divine and the vulpine at Ise: Amaterasu, Dakiniten and Sankoshin

The Dakiniten mandala (wikimedia commons)

The topic of shōgyō is fundamentally linked with ambivalent Buddhist figures which in medieval Japan came to be associated with the notions of non-duality combining enlightenment and ignorance, such as dakinis, which commonly figured in such “secrets”. While dakinis do not appear in the cosmological myths from the Watarai books, they nonetheless did play a role in the developments pertaining to medieval Amaterasu. A link between her and the dakini par excellence, Dakiniten, developed due to their shared connection with Dainichi. Under his original name Mahavairocana, Dainichi can be portrayed as a subduer of dakinis, taking the guise of Mahakala (Makaraten) in this context. The singular Dakiniten as a result of this association could be identified with Dainichi outright, as attested in the Rinnō Kanjō Kuden (輪王灌頂口傳), dated to the late Kamakura period.

The link between Amaterasu and Dakiniten is chiefly known from the Shingon ritual sokui kanjō (即位灌頂), “enthronement initiation”, meant for emperors freshly ascended to the throne. It was first performed for emperor Fushimi in 1287, and remained a part of ascension ceremonies all the way up to 1846. In this context, Amaterasu outright appears in the guise of Dakiniten. A similar statement can be found in Tenshō Daijin Kuketsu, which calls Dakiniten the honji of Amaterasu (it also links Dakiniten with Fujiwara no Kamatari and the rise of the Fujiwara clan, but I’ll cover that elsewhere in the future).

Keiran Shūyōshū specifies that the shinko was an appropriate form for Amaterasu because it is the only animal capable of emitting light on its own. This ability in turn reflects the fact that its body was identical with the wish-fulfilling jewel, a frequent attribute of Buddhist figures; the name is self-explanatory. Alternatively, the animal could be described as possessing three tails, each ending in a wish-fulfilling jewel. By the fourteenth century, this object was firmly associated with Amaterasu as well. This led to the development of the view that Nyoirin Kannon (如意輪観音), a form of Kannon directly linked to the wish-fulfilling jewel, was Amaterasu’s honji. The shinko similarly could be identified with this bodhisattva. Granted, so were prince Shotoku, Ryōgen and numerous other figures, but that’s a separate topic not directly relevant to this article.

A different belief developed around the shinko at Ise. Here this supernatural animal came to be identified with Sankoshin (三狐神), literally “three fox deity” or “three fox deities”. Despite the triplicity implied by the name, sources such as Tamakisan Gongen Engi (玉置山権現縁起) clearly describe Sankoshin as a singular figure who acted as the “king of the heavenly foxes” (天狐王, tenko-ō).

It is presumed that Sankoshin's name was in origin a derivative of Miketsu no Kami (御食津神), the kami of Miketsu, the granary of the Outer Shrine. The development of Sankoshin might have started as a misreading or wordplay, with Miketsu (御馔津) transformed into the homophone mi ketsu, “three foxes” (三狐). This phrase in turn can be alternatively read as sanko, as in the case of Sankoshin.

Miketsu no Kami is otherwise associated, or outright identified, with Uka no Mitama, who is obviously not a fox, let alone three foxes; or alternatively with Toyouke, who has even less to do with these animals; you might recall she is described as a miketsu kami in the legend of her arrival in Ise. Older copies of Nakatomi Harae Kunge also affirm this equation, but later on the reference was substituted for a statement supporting the equivalence between Toyouke and Ame no Minakanushi favored by the Watarai priests.

Sankoshin in the middle ages appeared in rituals from Ise associated with the kora (originally 子良, later also 狐良). This term refers to a class of female shrine attendants associated with the Outer Shrine at Ise. Jingi Hishō asserts they were manifestations of Dakiniten, and on the basis of homophony links their name with 狐 (ko), “fox”.

Part of a hanging scroll depicting Dakiniten riding on a fox (wikimedia commons)

Elsewhere, shinko is treated as another name of Dakiniten, or alternatively of her fox mount (which lacks serpentine traits proposed by Teeuwen, but sometimes does have snakes coiling around its legs and neck). It’s also a part of her well attested epithet Shinko-ō Bosatsu (辰狐王菩薩), “Bodhisattva King of Astral Foxes”. This connection is also partially responsible for the development of another of her titles, Shindamani-ō (真陀摩尼王), “king of the wish-fulfilling jewel”.

Being able to grant specific wishes immediately was commonly attributed to Dakiniten in the middle ages and beyond. However, due to her ambivalent perception and peripheral role between devas and demons in Buddhist theology it was commonly believed that the worldly benefits granted by her do not last and in the long run might lead to misfortune. With time, related rituals often came to be perceived negatively, often based on highly dubious reasons, as I discussed recently in another article. The ambivalent perception of Dakiniten ultimately was not unlike that of the animals she came to be associated with.

I plan to cover Dakiniten in more depth at some point, but I will only note here that her connection with foxes has a rather interesting history. Originally, dakinis were associated with jackals in India, due to their similarly unfavorable perception. When Buddhist texts dealing with this topic were transmitted to China, references to these animals posed a challenge to the translators, who were entirely unfamiliar with them. Based on context it was established that the name of a fox-like legendary animal, the yegan (野干), would make for a sensible translation. Since the yegan was described as fox-like, and since foxes in general had a major role in religion and literature of China at the time, eventually comparisons with foxes started to show up. Most notably, in the Tang period Śūraṅgama Sūtra the word dakini is provided with the gloss humei gui (狐魅鬼), something like “fox sorceress demon”. While unique, this term might have influenced the development of the image of dakinis in general, and Dakiniten in particular, in Japan.

A thirteenth century depiction of Benzaiten with entourage (wikimedia commons)

To go back to the core topic of this section, the development of a link between Amaterasu and Dakiniten had one more consequence: the establishment of a similar connection between Toyouke and closely related Benzaiten at Ise, to keep the theme of mirroring associations. This goddess is the Buddhist form of Saraswati. Today, she is best known as one of the Seven Gods of Luck, who emerged as a group in the Edo period, though her history goes further back and she enjoyed considerable popularity through the middle ages.

Outside of Ise, it was commonly Amaterasu herself rather than Toyouke who came to be linked to Benzaiten. According to a legend which originated on Chikubu Island, Benzaiten first appeared in Japan during the reign of emperor Kinmei, and instantly announced she is a manifestation of Amaterasu. A less direct reference might be present in the already mentioned Taiheiki, where Yoshisada Nitta at one point says he heard Amaterasu at times manifests in the form of a “dragon god of the blue ocean”, which might be an allusion to a common symbol of Benzaiten.

Benzaiten and Amaterasu could also be associated without being identified with each other. In a myth tied to the tradition of wandering blind singers (a group traditionally believed to be under her protections), she effectively replaces Ame no Uzume, and lures Amaterasu out of the cave by playing her biwa. In the Asamayama Engi (朝熊山縁起), she is addressed as Amaterasu’s mother instead, though she ultimately only plays a minor role in contrast with her daughter. The text largely revolves around Amaterasu (as noted by Anna Andreeva portrayed here as a “great conversationalist”) explaining theological matters to the monk Kūkai.

Amaterasu, Aizen and sericulture

The wisdom king Aizen (Metropolitan Museum of Art)

In addition to her links to Buddhas and devas, Amaterasu also offers an example of identification between kami and wisdom kings. They enjoy an elevated position among Buddhist figures, almost on par with Buddhas and bodhisattvas. She could specifically be identified with arguably the second most important member of this category, Aizen Myōō. Since he is regarded as a wrathful manifestation of Dainichi, the reasons appear fairly straightforward. Linking him with Amaterasu goes back at least to Eison, a long-lived thirteenth century Shingon monk. The connection additionally reflects Amaterasu’s association with the wish-fulfilling jewel. Aizen was outright identified with this object, which is actually responsible for many of his own associations. Last but not least, Aizen and his fellow wisdom king Fudō were identified with the same two mandalas as the two shrines of Ise. On this basis it was not hard to link Aizen with Amaterasu.

However, once again, association does not necessarily equal conflation. Therefore, Aizen and Amaterasu could also appear as two distinct figures in the same sources. For example, both textual and iconographic instances of a triad consisting of both of them and another wisdom king, Fudō, are known. The occasional identification between Aizen and Amaterasu is not the reason behind his appearance here. Instead he and Fudō are present because they are an archetypal Buddhist dyad used to represent duality.

The triad is a medieval reinterpretation of the cave myth which played a role in an initiation rite (灌頂, kanjō) focused on Amaterasu. In this context both of the wisdom kings take the roles of “rock cave assistants”, with Fudō corresponding to Takuhatachijihime (the mother of Ninigi and younger sister of Omoikane) and Aizen to Tajikarao (who famously opens the cave in the classical version of the myth). The opening of the cave Amaterasu hid herself in was compared to the opening of the legendary Iron Stupa, said to exist somewhere in the south of India. This event, as Buddhist treatises record, led to the reveal of esoteric knowledge to the early Mahayana thinker Nagarjuna. In Tenshō Daijin Kuketsu, it is actually Amaterasu herself who was transmitted to him by the bodhisattva Kongōsatta (Vajrasattva).

To go back to the depictions of the Amaterasu triad, another thing worth pointing out is that a unique iconographic variant of her appears in them: seated on the back of a horse, with a solar disc and scales in her hands. While at a first glance this might sound similar to already discussed Taga Myōjin, there is actually a difference: the latter is always depicted frontally, not facing left, in contrast with the other mounted form of Amaterasu.

A depiction of Memyō from the fifteenth or sixteenth century (Metropolitan Museum of Art)

However, Bernard Faure notes these paintings resemble yet another figure she could be equated with, Memyō Bosatsu (馬鳴菩薩; “horse neigh bodhisattva”). This name originally referred to the Buddhist author Aśvaghoṣa, but in this context it instead designates a sericultural deity of Chinese origin first attested in the Tang period, for example in a short text attributed to Varjabodhi. However, while the Chinese original, Maming Pusa, is male, his Japanese counterpart is generally portrayed as a female figure, especially in texts stressing her connection to Amaterasu.

A Meiji period illustration of Susanoo throwing the carcass of Ame no Fuchikoma into Amaterasu's weaving hall (wikimedia commons)

Presumably the two initially came to be associated with each other because of their shared interest in sericulture and weaving. The classical myth portraying Amaterasu as a weaver, in which Susanoo throws the carcass of the horse Ame no Fuchikoma into the room where she is engaging in this craft, has been channeled to highlight why she would be identified with a deity portrayed on horseback.

While Memyō is arguably the highest profile Chinese figure Amaterasu was identified with (unless you want to make a case for Enma but that would be a bit of a reach), it’s worth noting that there’s another such case. However, it involved a historical figure rather than a deity. While presenting Buddhist patriarchs or rulers as manifestations of Buddhas or deities was par for the course, this one strikes me as quite unique.

Yang Guifei, as depicted by Shōen Uemura (wikimedia commons)

Jindai no Maki Hiketsu (神代卷祕決) records a tradition according to which Yang Guifei, a consort of emperor Xuanzong of Tang, was a manifestation Amaterasu. It depends partially on the preexisting belief that the former did not commit suicide, but instead escaped to Japan, and came to be enshrined in the Atsuta Shrine, which on the account of its picturesque location was sometimes identified with Penglai, the land of Daoist immortals. A related legend is recorded in the sixteenth century treatise Utaishō (謡抄), which relays that the Atsuta deity (here not identified with Amaterasu) manifested in China as Yang Guifei to seduce emperor Xuanzong to distract him with a plan of invading Japan. After accomplishing this goal, she returned to her shrine.

Emperor Xuanzong wasn't exactly the conventional nemesis of Amaterasu, whether in classical mythology or in the middle ages. I'll look into the figures such a title can be applied to in in the second half of this article; due to tumblr's limits I cannot publish both halves as a single post. The bibliography will also be included in part 2.

#japanese mythology #japanese esoteric buddhism #japanese history #amaterasu

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writingforatwistedworld · 1 year

Note

Ah, I hope this isn't annoying, but I couldn't resist! I just read the request for the self-aware au, for a player who is actually a god and I really LOVED the idea!!! So if it's not too much trouble, could I ask for the exact same idea only with Ruggie, Riddle and Ace?

By the way, I love your blog and your work, I love your creativity!! ❤️❤️❤️

Self-aware au

I do not take any responsebility for you reading this no matter which age group you are from!

WARNINGS: Yandere themes, religion, obsessiveness, murder, blood, beheading, violence, death

My works are not meant to be taken seriously. Neither am I telling you in what kind of religion you are supposed to believe in.

Riddle Rosehearts/Ace Trappola/Ruggie Bucchi-Player is a real god

God of law and order

Oho, so we are actively trying to make him loose his mind (mhm good plan good plan)

I mean, come on, the Queendom of roses is a place I would rank “third-most-not-so-fluffy-relationship-with-you” and he grew up in there so what did you expect?

Something normal? Ha! You are making me laugh

But here we are, croquette master with a hedgehog in his hand in person, almost dropping his needely friend

But how did he even find out? Well… Leona. Leona and a lot of ink (you catching my drift, right?)

Things were looking south and everything was just so…. so… unruly

Mhm I can see how a God of law and order popped a blood vessel in that kind of situation

And whilst you aren’t some kind of being creating bloodshed and war getting hit by a rule book and whatever kind of abilities you have has to hurt

Also it was giving away who you truly were

I mean, yay? Now you have an (somehow possible) even more obsessive follower…

And they all wonder why he suddenly became so religious

Even if you are a more “chill” kind of entity concerning your field of work (the market of Gods is always having too little workers) he is still like “Nope Trey. Imma go pray to ruler number 168” or something like that

Like I said, religious

But oh dear heavens (u get it heavens in like… ok I’ll stop) someone disrespects you or tries to take his seat as “most devoted follower of the month”

Uh… he was in the mood for a “realistic” demonstration of how the Queen of Hearts would deal with annoyances

Just tell him that you are proud… otherwise I’m not sure that even the hedgehogs would tolerate him and his… rather red behaviour

God of trickery

Hmm… this one is kinda tricky

You see, he is from the Queendom of Roses but at the same time he is not powerful enough to do that much damage… with magic at least

When Ace found out that you were everything but a ordinary student you two were in a rather unhappy situation

I mean, either you make that huge glass thingy behind Riddle trip and fall or you can eat rose bush which it was swinging around like crazy… pick your poison

Ace isn’t the fatest tool in the shed but when you, a magicless student, suddenly used something akin to magic he knew that something was up

And who would have known, maybe if it wasn’t for the bad parenting of Riddles mother you may have hidden this until the day you would go separate ways

But oh well, seems like fate decided it wanted him to be religious

I mean, a God of trickery, something like that is perfect for him!

Not to mention that you are way more approachable than some God of law and order because who would want to follow such a stiff deity? (Jokes on you Ace but Riddle...)

Despite him being on the “chill, man” side I can also see a huge spike in religiousness in his personality

I mean, come on, it’s now literally proven with his own two eyes that God (or Gods) at least exist

You know that meme “he don’t but-YES IT DOES!” that’s him

My man just turns feral when someone dares to take your prescious attention and time away from him

Literally a menace, and not the peaceful kind

Before you know it he is asking you if you can help him dig holes for a “garden project”

In the middle of the woods. Aha. Totally believable

Well, all I can say is that Trey will probably miss the kitchen knife... yeah I would buy a new one and never use the old one again...

You know... Maybe the cake looks a bit red if he were blind and never noticed anything.... It's a “garden project”, ok? Let the man raise his Gladiolus, Aconitum, Lycoris and Chrysanthemum

God of kindness and equality

So we feeding the carnivores today? Sounds like a plan. Not a good one but at least it is one

Ruggie has always been someone who needed to clench his teeth and do stuff other people wouldn't do simply to have his basic needs fulfilled

So imagine you standing there one day, opening up that you are in truth literally the things he had been craving all his life for

Mhm, I am just had he doesn't have rabies. You could have fooled me with how aggressive he becomes towards new people (and also your own little circle to be honest) after finding that out

Here we are, Leona is dealing with his stuff in an unhealthy way and someone needs to step up and bring him down to earth again

But imagine his surprise that you were actually the good of kindness after you slapped our local lion who may or may have not escaped from the Zoo next door back into reality (and out of his doom)

After he spends even more time with you it starts to make sense thought

Even though he is the closest person to Leona which could be used for someone's benefit people still tend to be at least wary of him because... well broken bones hurt, you know?

But here you are, holding out your hand to him, offering him your kindness and friendship

Though you could have said “marry me” because win his eyes that is exactly what you did

And who is he to say no to such an perfect being literally being from heaven (or whatever higher place)

He is scratching, biting, kicking and using all the dirty tricks in the book just to keep you alone, isolated and all for himself

Of course he won't do that in front of you, he isn't a monster! Such a pure and perfect being lime you doesn't need to witness such a thing!

If you thought that Diasomnia is already bad then I would say yes, he is only a teeny tiny bit better than them

Why? Oh well, he doesn't have the magical or physical strength to start a war

That doesn't mean he won't leave you alone

Oh no

You will spend somewhere the rest of the time he exists in a small in the middle of nowhere thinking that everyone despises you

He has a way with words (and sharp, suspiciously red teeth) you know?

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thefallennightmare · 1 year

Text

Moment of Weakness-nineteen

*credit to whoever created the gif. found on google/Pinterest *

Pairings: Mob!Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: language, smut, angst, fluff, affair, cheating, violence.

Summary: Reader is the assistant to New York's most feared mob boss, James Buchanan Barnes. He had the picture-perfect life: status in the mob, friends, and beautiful wife. So why can't he keep his mind and eyes off of reader?

Author's Note: I'm sorry for the typical, cliche story line but it's the only thing I could think of when creating ideas for this story. Last one for tonight so you will have to suffer until the next update. 😉

Tags(closed): @splendidreads @sebsgirl71479 @mdpplgtz03 @pattiemac1 @unaxv @alana4610 @broadwaybabe18 @themayzittcha @playboystark @raajali3 @ozwriterchick @ragamuffin285 @screamingdying @themorningsunshine @kenziekugler22 @calwitch @sebastianstansqueen @stanaddict @stucky-simp03 @sleyeveryday @loustan90 @lyra-black13 @valsworldofcreativity @cjand10 @tesseract69 @batprincess1013 @subwaysurf45 @arsonfrogger @yoruse @5moremin @lipstickandtanqueray @mandijo17 @joannaromanoff @justsebstan @winters1917 @elizacusi-blog @football1921

I walked into the building, smiling bright as the morning sun, ready to finish this work day already. After he left last night, Bucky promised that when he would come by tonight, he would stay the night. He had planned on telling Natasha that he had to go out of town for something mob related.

There was already a list of things I had planned; dinner at home, a movie cuddled together on my couch, and a warm bath to end the night. It was something that we had yet to do, a proper at home date.

My body jumped with excitement every time I thought about it.

A frown pulled at my lips when I noticed that Bucky’s door had been closed. He didn’t have any meetings planned so there was no need for it to be shut. Bucky also always took his phone calls with the door opened.

I placed my things on my desk and softly knocked on the door, only to be met with silence. The thought of if he was coming in today or not crossed my mind so I sent him a quick text.

Are you not coming in today?

Some time would pass before I would even get a response. Three hours to be exact.

By the time Bucky had decided to text back, it was nearing lunch hour and I was busying myself to run to the deli across the road to pick us all up something. Steve and Sam were playing a card game on the couch that sat across from my desk and Steve noticed the worried look on my face.

“Everything alright?”

By the mere tone in his voice, I could tell that the relationship we shared was not the same anymore.

“Yeah,” I mumbled, not bothering to take my eyes away from the text on my phone.

I’m held up in my office all day, sorry.

It was short, to the point. No sweet names or cringey emojis that Bucky had just found out of. This wasn’t like him, something being different; off.

Steve stood to walk over to me. “Bucky?”

I peered over his shoulder to make sure Sam wasn't paying attention and nodded.

“Have you talked to him at all? I feel as if he’s avoiding me,” I said.

He hesitated, unsure if he should even say anything. I could see it in the way he avoided my gaze, rubbing at the back of his neck.

Steve was hiding something from me.

“What do you know?” I asked.

“I can’t be the one to tell you, Y/N. Bucky has too.”

With a gentle squeeze on my shoulder, he went back to his previous spot on the couch.

I gnawed on my bottom lip while gazing at the still shut door to Bucky’s office and decided to give it one more try, seeing if he would talk to me.

“Bucky, can I come in?” I asked after my knuckles rapped against the door.

There was quite a bit of shuffling behind it and my heart hammered when the door opened, revealing a very stressed Bucky.

My voice lowered. “Are you okay?”

He nodded. “I’m going to skip lunch today.”

The door shut just as fast as it opened and I was left staring at it, tears brimming in my eyes.

“Y/N,” Steve’s soft voice called from behind me.

I blinked a few times, tears splattering over my cheeks, and quickly grabbed my things to head to lunch.

I don’t know what I did to make you so upset with me but I don’t appreciate the cold shoulder all day. I’m about to leave for the day and you’ve barely come out of your office.

I hit send on the text while walking back to my desk from the bathroom. The day went on at a slow pace, my eyes darting from my computer to Bucky’s still shut door, not once seeing him come out of his office. That was the third text I sent him all day and with yet no response, I decided that tonight was officially off the table. He would not be rewarded with spending the night with me after ghosting me all day.

As I returned back to my desk, I noticed that the door was wide open, and my feet practically dragged me across the threshold. Until I stopped myself when I saw that he made no effort to look away from his phone when he heard me walk up. Not even a quick glance my way.

“Asshole,” I grumbled, plopping into my chair.

Six minutes. That’s all I had left of my workday and I could go home to wallow in self-pity in private.

I used that time to scroll through Instagram, not having the chance to be on it all day. My thumb froze over one post, almost unsure to like it or not, because everything around me faded to black. Ears rang loudly with white noise and my heart dropped to the depths of my stomach as it shattered. The pain caused a sob to leave my lips.

Cannot wait to meet you baby Barnes. Coming in six months.

My vision blurred from the tears that spilled everywhere but I still could see the picture Natasha had posted announcing her pregnancy. It was a picture of a positive pregnancy test with her and Bucky’s vibranium hand holding it.

With a broken gaze, I looked over to him and was shocked that Bucky was already watching me. His own eyes were broken, tears pooling in the corners of them.

“I’m so sorry, doll,” he mouthed.

No words were able to form, my mouth had run dry. I didn’t know what to say, to be honest. All I could do was gather my things and storm out of the office, the door slamming behind me shaking the walls.

The persistent knocking on my front door was becoming too hard to ignore, it going on for the last five minutes. In tangent with my phone ringing, not stopping for a second. I did my best to tune it all out, staring off into the void of my living room wall, wishing it would stop; wishing everything would stop.

“Doll, please open up.”

“Go away,” I yelled, the anger suddenly bubbling to life.

“Please let me explain!”

I scoffed while shaking my head, even if Bucky couldn’t see. “Explain?!”

Everything I had been avoiding came rushing to the forefront when I heard him begging me to let him in, to explain his actions.

My feet dragged me to the door and I opened it with such force, it created a small wind tunnel. Bucky didn’t bother waiting for me to let him in, he pushed himself past me.

“I’m so sorr-.”

His apology was cut off by a hard slap to his face, my palm already stung with redness.

Bucky rubbed at the raw spot where I had hit him and his jaw tensed. “You hit me.”

“Trust me, I want to do a lot more!” I seethed.

“Can you calm down so I can explain?” He begged.

“Calm down?!” My voice bellowed. “You get your wife pregnant, hide it from me, then come here to explain yourself? How the fuck can I calm down?!”

My shoulder rammed into his as I walked past him and down the hall towards my bedroom. His footsteps that echoed down the hall told me that he was following me close behind.

“I wanted to tell you, Y/N. All day I tried to come up with the best way,” Bucky said.

I spun on my heels and pushed him hard in his chest, my actions doing nothing to deter him.

“Fuck you, Barnes! You’re such a liar!”

I began beating his chest with my fist, pure hatred fueling my momentum. And he stood there, taking every hit.

Out of breath, I let my fists fall to my side, and felt my chest rise and fall each time I swallowed a large amount of air.

“Feel better?” Bucky asked.

My eyes narrowed. “Go fuck yourself. I never want to see you again.”

His shoulders dropped. “You don’t mean that.”

I nodded, even if I didn’t believe it myself. “Get out.”

Bucky didn’t move so I pushed him harder in his chest. “Leave. Now!”

“Doll-.”

I smacked him yet again, this time with so much force he stumbled back onto my bed.

“You lost the right to call me that the second you put your dick in her, Bucky! I can’t believe I fell for your lies again.”

I ran a shaking hand through my hair. “I allowed myself to ignore the red flags because I cared that much for you. I believed that you wanted me, wanted a future with me. I bet the divorce was a lie too.”

Bucky vigorously shook his head. “I promise you. That was all true. Matt finished the papers this afternoon.”

“When did it happen?” I abruptly asked.

He hesitated, unsure how to answer. “A few months ago. It was the night I drove you home from work and we had sex in the back seat.”

If my heart wasn’t in a million pieces before, it for sure was now.

“You’re such a dick!” I screamed while pushing him down on my bed. “I knew you were still screwing her.”

Bucky leaned his elbows onto his knees and held his head in his hands. “You don’t understand how terrible I feel, Y/N. I wish I could take it back.”

I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand. “Are you still leaving her?”

He gazed up at me, lips parting and eyes welling with tears. “I can’t. She’s having my child.”

My eyes shut, his words giving me exactly what I needed to end this.

I pointed towards the door. “We’re finished, Bucky. You need to leave.”

He was fast on his feet to reach for me. “No, it doesn’t have either.”

“Yes it does!” I wailed. “It’s one thing to break up a marriage but I refuse to break up a family.”

Both of us were crying, not bothering to stop or hide the tears, and Bucky wanted to reach for me, fight for me, but knew that there was no changing my mind.

“What about work?” He asked with a glimmer of hope.

I gnawed on the inside of my cheek. “I can’t afford to quit. So I’ll see you next week. I need to take some time off.”

Bucky nodded. “I didn’t want to hurt you, doll.”

I grabbed my elbows, bringing my arms closer to my chest and avoiding his gaze, keeping my eyes trained to my feet. The only thing I could hear over his footsteps walking away from me was my broken cries, my body collapsing to the ground.

#mob!bucky barnes #mob!bucky barnes x reader #mob!bucky barnes and reader #mob!bucky barnes x yn #mob!bucky barnes and yn #mob!bucky barnes reader insert #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes and reader #sebastian stan #moment of weakness-mob!bucky barnes

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gracieart · 10 months

Note

You’re seriously going to take drawing requests from A Court of Thought?!? Someone who routinely lies, gaslights, bullies, and blocks Elriels? You were truly one of my fave people on this platform but watching you pander to Eluciens…whew, the respect I’ve lost.

Hello anon. I seem to have upset another one of you.

First and foremost, I am going to draw whatever I want and I'm not going to apologize to you. Let me just get that out in the air.

And for now, we are just going to ignore how you seem entitled to me, my art, my free time, and what I decide to do so we can quickly address your concern here.

I want to preface this by saying I sat on this ask for hours because I was genuinely so confused where this came from. I literally had no idea what you were referring to. I thought ‘A Court of Thought’ was you trying to criticize me for taking art prompts for A Court of Thorns and Roses and that you were saying I do all those things you mention. Which, as you can imagine, made me very sad.

But it finally dawned on me (after one of my friends pointed it out to me) that you were referring to the comment I replied to from the blog ACourtofThought.

After that realization, your comment started to make sense… for the most part.

Now, I have never once spoken to or even heard of this person before they commented on one of my posts. I know absolutely nothing about them. I’ve never even seen one of their posts. But if what you say is true, then you should know there is no possible way I could have even heard of them before, as I have a long list of anti tags blocked and have a strict no negativity policy on all my blogs. If you knew me at all, or if I was one of your favorite people on this platform, as you claim, then you should know that about me at the very least. I make it very very clear I do not deal with that kind of negativity.

And you know, not everyone in this fandom chooses to surround themselves with negativity. I hope you free yourself from this, truly.

I am not upset that you talked down to me, hurt my feelings, and insulted me. No, I’m mostly upset about the fact that you immediately jumped to the worst conclusions about me. The fact is I simply replied to a nice comment I saw on a post I made. That’s it. You saw that and thought “Wow, this woman is siding with this person I really dislike. And she obviously knows exactly who this person is and why I dislike them so much. So how dare she!”

…That is what you thought, am I wrong?

This is unwarranted and out of context. I am not “pandering” to Eluciens. I was simply asking my very kind mutuals, who happen to like that ship, if they had any prompts they wanted me to draw. And I tagged Elucien in that post so it reached other people. I have so many nice and genuine friends on here who ship all kinds of things, and I want to create something that makes them happy too. Is that a crime?

What if I told you I’m the exact same person I’ve always been? What if I told you that all the while I’ve been one of your “favorite people on this platform,” I’ve been doodling Elucien for some of my longest friends. Would you still have had any respect for me left to lose if you knew that all along?

I won’t talk about the ships here. If you want to know about that, go see my response to the other ask I answered yesterday.

When I first saw this ask, I’ll admit it upset me very much. So much so that I couldn’t get anything done for most of the day because I was so sad that someone would say something like this to me. But I’ve had a whole day to think about this, and I’ve come to one conclusion: I really don’t think you had much respect for me to begin with if you are so quick to turn around and talk down to me and insult me after I seemingly did something to offend you.

And if I did offend you, you could have easily just unfollowed me and moved on. But… you chose to go out of your way to insult me. Why?

I am sorry you are stuck in a place where you feel like you have to assume the worst of people. I’m sorry you have found yourself surrounded with so much negativity in this fandom. Fandom is a place for people to come together because they enjoy something, and I am truly sorry you’ve fallen into the part of the fandom that doesn’t comprehend that.

I’ll never begin to understand why people can’t see that kindness is so much easier. But at least I have a lovely circle of friends on here I can fall back on. Friends who have different opinions, who ship different things, or like other stuff. Friends who are in a completely different circle, but are the kindest, most compassionate people I’ve ever met.

Anon, I truly wish for you to find that for yourself. Try surrounding yourself with kind people who like different things. You will be so much happier. Trust me. There are so many nice people out there once you step outside your own circle.

#ask #so thanks #I felt like crying today #gracie answers

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oldeazeroth · 1 year

Photo

I was hearing a lot about the Hardcore WoW challenge & decided to give it a try. I wanted to share some of my thoughts here because I think some of the people who follow this blog might enjoy the experience as well! The post ended up being kind of long so please feel free to ignore if you’re not interested.

For those who don’t know, Hardcore Classic is a fan-made game mode in the same spirit as an ironman challenge. There are several rules but the main ones are 1) character death is permanent 2) you cannot ask for help or group with others (outside of very specific circumstances), and 3) you cannot trade, mail, or use the AH. Everything you use must be found in the world, crafted by you, or bought from a vendor. There is an addon that can be downloaded to verify your run. It can be played on any server, but many people chose to play on the public WoW servers that fans have adopted for the challenge, because you can only complete dungeons and raids with other HC players under the HC rules. More info can be found here - https://classichc.net/

At first I thought it sounded nuts, but gave it a shot because I had nothing to lose. I created a character with the exact same class/race as my first WoW character (I was even able to snag the same name), and as I spawned into Mulgore I almost immediately understood the appeal. There were so many other players around doing the same challenge. The game felt shockingly alive because of how active the server was. But what was really amazing was how the hardcore restrictions changed the way I experienced the game & took me back to the first time I ever played.

I have a distinct memory from my first character, a Tauren Druid, and leaving Mulgore for the first time to make the trek to Crossroads through Camp Taurajo. That walk felt so intimidating, seeing level ?? thunder lizards standing off the side of the road. I feel like I probably held my breath until I finally made it to Crossroads. Today, if I were to create a new Tauren on a classic era server, though I would have to make that same walk, I would not feel that fear because the game no longer has that same mystery for me . The thunder lizards are only level 20, and if I die, it’s no big deal to corpse run and try again. But under the Hardcore ruleset, that’s not an option. If I die, that’s it. I found myself making that run with the same level of caution that I gave it during my first ever playthrough, keeping my eyes peeled off both sides of the road. And feeling safe when I finally got to Crossroads. That alone was an amazing feeling to experience again!

As I started to level up in the Barrens, I reached a point where the quests were starting to out level me and decided to make the trek to Silverpine to continue. I was level 13, making my way to the Sepulcher. I was nearly there, and went off path to gather some herbs. Out of nowhere, a Son of Arugal, a level ?? elite, appeared. It was over before I could react and I felt so defeated.

A few days later, I got the motivation to delete the character and begin again. Another Tauren Druid. I leveled my way back to the same point where I left off in the Barrens and thought, either I can play it safe here and grind a level or two, or I can head to Silverpine again and be on my guard this time. I opted for Silverpine to prove to myself I could do it. I got there and completed some quests, constantly watching my back the whole time. As I walk towards a cave I saw him in the distance once again, the Son of Arugal. I noped out of there immediately, ran halfway across the zone and grinded out the few bars I had left to level. As soon as I dinged, I hearthed out of Silverpine for good. It left me excited though, that I was able to face Silverpine once again & learn from my mistake the first time. It was not only exciting to navigate around it, but it made the zones themselves feel like unique places once again, each with their own obstacles & traps.

I’m only level 14 now, and I’m realizing every zone from here on out will likely have it’s own Son of Arugal lurking in the shadows. I doubt I will make it to 60 because I don’t have a ton of underlying knowledge about the world, but for the time being the experience so far has been worth the time. It’ll be painful when my character inevitably dies but at that point I’ll feel okay putting away hardcore mode for a bit.

I don’t intend on writing posts like this in the future, but wanted to share because I know there are so many people who feel nostalgic about the game. This game mode really has the potential to bring some of those feelings back into the game, and at least for the time being, the servers are well populated and feel just as alive as they did back then. Anyway, thanks for reading!

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meimi-haneoka · 5 months

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Hiya~ Dimensional-bitch is my side blog, and I guess I cannot send mail from it!

Anyhow, I saw your reblog and wanted to send you a note personally because...damn. I get it. I've been seeing the same...stuff around. And my extraocular muscles have been getting an EXCELLENT work-out from all the eye rolling.

So many temper tantrums. Half of them whining that CLAMP worked on something other than their preferred manga for a few years, half of them mad about...whatever exacting expectation they had for Clear Card that wasn't met.

And honestly? THESE ARE THE SAME TANTRUMS MY 3 YEAR OLD HAS.

If I dare to do something other than take her to the park we went to yesterday? Instant fit! Worst Mommy EVER!

If she gets the milk she wants in a blue cup instead of pink? DAY RUINED. She can't enjoy milk again, EVER.

I am old enough now to realize that every time a CLAMP manga ends we are going to get this same round of preschooler "BUT IT ISN'T WHAT I WANTED!" foot-stomping. And it's...fine. Whatever. But even though I expect it now I am still. so. tired. And salty. I could salt the seven seas.

So THANK YOU for taking the time to look at and put together something that really gets into what Clear Card IS and DOES. (I am looking through your blog now and I am sad I didn't find it sooner - you've got lots of great stuff here! Especially about Kaito - I do NOT understand the fandom hate??? He's obviously a tortured but ultimately good soul????) There are so many good (and fun! - I've been reading this with my 8-year-old son and he is totally into the magic of it all, even if some of the symbolism flies over his head for now) things about it that get buried under the tantrums. And I am so happy to see them discussed like this!

Best wishes! <3

WAAAAAIT WAIT I HAVE TO REPLY TO THIS ONE BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE I feel like I'm about to cry...

You know the feeling when.....you feel *seen*? You feel understood? This is what I felt when I received your ask, Dandelion! (Is it ok if I use this name?) Omg yes. a thousand times yes....you summarized pretty well what I've seen and what I think about this whole situation too. (BTW I'm a mom too and I know what you mean! 😂)

I am old enough now to realize that every time a CLAMP manga ends we are going to get this same round of preschooler "BUT IT ISN'T WHAT I WANTED!" foot-stomping.

Ever since I got on the internet, I was able only to witness the endings in "real time" of Tsubasa, Holic and Kobato, and while I don't remember much for Kobato (probably because it's so underrated and no one was reading it), I DO remember especially the uncomfortable "atmosphere" in the fandom that accompanied the last chapters of Tsubasa's serialization. I remember all the negativity, and all the exact same complaints of today with Clear Card, "it's too complex!" "this has dragged too long please END IT". It was so overwhelming that I got dragged into it too. I COMPLETELY understand what you mean. I didn't expect I'd see it again with Clear Card, but hey people can always surprise you for the worst, isn't it? So I had decided, towards the end of Clear Card, that I wouldn't let ANYONE make me go through what I went through when Tsubasa ended, and I've set limits and lines to not be crossed with everyone, even close friends. I wanted to enjoy this story in peace to be able to write about what I TRULY feel.

I am SO GLAD that you're checking the rest of my blog and that you find my posts interesting. Most of the time, especially when I talk about Kaito and Akiho in the desperate attempt to make people understand those characters a bit better, it's a bit like shouting in the wind.....but I won't stop doing it. I love those characters, and I thank CLAMP everyday for creating them, they brought so much depth and enriched CCS in a special way.

Thank you so much for this ask!! 🙏❤️

#reply #I'm so grateful #you really get it #I'm so glad I found someone else who appreciates and can see Kaito for who he really is?

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20dollarlolita · 1 year

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30 day lolita challenge, day 2

I haven't forgotten about this. It's just that day #2 is "10 things you love about lolita" and this crap with my local community mods deciding that they rule the world and banning someone for not knowing their made-up redefinition of a term used for a very serious crime into accidentally posting selfies without asking has made me, you know, not really love lolita right now.

So let's go.

For those of you who missed the last post, I'm doing the 30 Day Lolita Challenge (in more than 30 days) that was created in 2011 by The Random Lolita. This series is tagged "20dollarlolita 30daylorlolita challenge" in case you want to black list that tag.

Okay.

One, I love the rules. I love having a really firm guideline on what elements of a look to build and wear. I spend a lot of time in normal fashion worrying about "this is wrong" but without anyone to explain why, so I love being in a fashion where it's more spelled out.

Two, I love the details. I like that, when you zoom in on any part of a nice lolita coordinate, there's more and more to look at. I like that our dresses are the high-resolution image and the rest of the world is a 3 megapixel JPEG.

Three, I love the absolute absurdity of it. I spent almost all of high school trying to not be weird, and I think that reflects in adult me by latching onto a fashion where no one outside the fashion will think it's normal.

Four, I love the way people react when they get to see a nice piece up close. Any time i get to show a dress to a coworker or friend who sews or does fashion, and they go, "I get why you're into this." It's just so nice.

Five, I love building things myself. I know how to make a dress, but when I make a really good lolita garment, I have a price tag to compare my work to. It's kind of discouraging as someone who sews when you spend $90 and 25 hours of work to make the same blouse that you can get at Walmart for $11, so the fact that a lolita blouse can be $200 makes me feel less bad about my work. I love creating my own lolita fashion for the same reason I love making my own coords. There's a set of rules, and I get to follow those rules, and I can do absolutely anything in the world as long as I follow those rules. The level of freedom you get when you go "You can do anything as long as it's X" is something that I think everyone craves in some form or another, so I love that I'm in a hobby where that's what it is.

Six, I love how people react to my clothes. I used to joke that it was because people see the clothes and judge based on that, so no stranger is judging the rest of you. You stand out, but that makes you more anonymous. Now, I say the exact same thing, but it's not a joke. I think being somewhat socially awkward often leads people to lolita fashion. I often joke that I'm not a person, and am actually either a time-traveling android or a hallucination caused by a sentient cloud, because it feels like the entire world got a How To Be Human manual except me. Well, when you don't have the manual, you make up the rules, and wearing lolita fashion out means that I take those rules away from everyone else, too. No stranger knows how to react to this shit, so it doesn't matter that I don't know what I'm doing, either.

Seven, I love the old Livejournal and Blogger and Wordpress blogs that are still around. I'm doing a lolita challenge that's 12 years old. When you read one of those, you're connected to them through time. Our lolita ancestors aren't too far away, but even if they've left the fashion, their wisdom lives on. So many people are still being helped by @lolita-tips even though the blog is no longer active. Connected to this is every Lolibrary post made by AmethystCitrine, who died in about 10 years ago (at the age of 25), but whose contributions to the lolita community are still used every day. We're connected to the people who've helped the lolita community before us, and we're connected to the future by the resources we create today. What people have given to the community will

Eight, I love Lolibrary. Y'all ever think about how absolutely insane it is that we have every single piece of the fashion that we can get our hands on documented and easily searchable? I don't know anything else that is like that. I love just looking through various years and trends. I love finding something online and immediately having access to what year it came out. Prior to Lolibrary, there was a site called HelloLace that tried to document all lolita fashion history, but it wasn't as thorough. Even though it's long gone, every time I see HelloLace links, I'm filled with massive nostalgia.

Nine, I love connecting with people through the fashion. Seeing people who are dressed in lolita, and having a secret kind of language like JSK and OP and knowing brands, sharing Taobao shopping services, all of that. It's an immediate connection with someone. I think this links back to socially awkward people using lolita fashion to help with social skills, but it's also a kind of connection that I just love.

Ten, I love how much everything is reused. Buying broken things and fixing them, restoring or reusing or recycling things. It gives us a connection to the past. Our culture of reuse before disposing of things isn't something I see so much in the rest of my life, so I love that I can retreat into it in lolita. Skills like how to fix and modify things are much more valuable in lolita fashion than in mainstream fashion. It's just very cool to me. I love finding things as class D on Wunderwelt or Closet Child and making them valuable to me.

I don't know if that's my top 10 things, but it's ten things. If tumblr would stop absolutely forcing things with 1) at the beginning into a really ugly looking list, I'd like that.

And with that bit of semi-forced positivity, it's time to go to sleep. Good night everyone.

#20dollarlolita 30daylorlolita challenge

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phmonth · 2 years

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Phmonth22 (Redo) and Vncmonth22 Prompt Masterlist!

Wonderful art (Jean Jacques and Chloé, Lacie) made by @thegracefulwillow for the Vnc Anime Countdown and the original Phmonth22 respectively!!

I keep having to look between the two posts to find the prompts, and I realized you guys might be doing the same, so I decided to just make a post that includes all the prompts to make things easier!!

Pandora Hearts Month 2022 (Redo) Prompts:

Golden Trio Week (Alice, Oz and Gilbert), October 9th—15th:

Day 1, Sunday Oct 9th: Pink

Day 2, Monday Oct 10th: Daffodil

Day 3, Tuesday Oct 11th: Queen

Day 4, Wednesday Oct 12th: Summer

Day 5, Thursday Oct 13th: Cage

Day 6, Friday Oct 14th: Ocean

Day 7, Saturday Oct 15th: Garden

Rainsworth Trio Week (Sharon, Break and Reim), Oct 16nd—22nd:

Day 1, Sunday Oct 16th: Purple

Day 2, Monday Oct 17th: Forest

Day 3, Tuesday Oct 18th: Sister

Day 4, Wednesday Oct 19th: Madness

Day 5, Thursday Oct 20th: Cake

Day 6, Friday Oct 21st: AU

Day 7, Saturday Oct 22nd: Whisper

Tragedy Trio Week (Lacie, Jack and Oswald), Oct 23rd—Oct 29th:

Day 1, Sunday Oct 23rd: Storm

Day 2, Monday Oct 24th: Sibling

Day 3, Tuesday Oct 25th: Secret

Day 4, Wednesday Oct 26th: Indescribable horrors

Day 5, Thursday Oct 27th: Unimaginable Wonders

Day 6, Friday Oct 28th: Tower

Day 7, Saturday Oct 29th: Snow

Fan’s choice Week, Oct 30th—November 5th:

Day 1, Sunday Oct 30th: Psyche

Day 2, Monday Oct 31st: 🎃 Metamorphosis 👻

Day 3, Tuesday Nov 1st: Perspective and/or Ivory

Day 4, Wednesday Nov 2nd: Lilies

Day 5, Thursday Nov 3rd: Wrath

Day 6, Friday Nov 4th: Tarnished

Day 7, Saturday Nov 5th: Sketch

The Case Study of Vanitas Month 2022 Prompts:

Noé and Vanitas Week Oct 2nd—8th:

Sunday October 2nd: Butterfly

Monday Oct 3rd: Autumn

And/or

Fullmetal Alchemist/FMABrotherhood Crossover

Tuesday Oct 4th: Revenge

Wednesday Oct 5th: Cat

Thursday Oct 6th: Lost

Friday Oct 7th: Memories

Saturday Oct 8th: Roof

The De Sades Week Oct 9th—15th

Sunday October 9th: AU

Monday Oct 10th: Stake

Tuesday Oct 11th: Winter

Wednesday Oct 12th: Fangs

Thursday Oct 13th: Knight

Friday Oct 14th: Ice

Saturday Oct 15th: Twins

The Chasseurs Week Oct 16th—22nd

Sunday October 16th: Envy

Monday Oct 17th: Reunion

Tuesday Oct 18th: Gems

Wednesday Oct 19th: Bones

Thursday Oct 20th: Treason

Friday Oct 21st: Haunting

Saturday Oct 22nd: Faith

Chloé and Jean Jacques Week Oct 23rd—29th

Sunday October 23rd: Instrument

Monday Oct 24th: Alone

Tuesday Oct 25th: Castle

Wednesday Oct 26th: Music

Thursday Oct 27th: Witch

Friday Oct 28th: Flowers

Saturday Oct 29th: Snow

Misha and Luna/Blue Moon Clan Week Oct 30th—Nov 5th

Sunday October 30th: Past and/or Pillow Fight

Monday Oct 31st: 🎃 Halloween 👻

Tuesday Nov 1st: Name

Wednesday Nov 2nd: Blood

Thursday Nov 3rd: Scars

Friday Nov 4th: Tears

Saturday Nov 5th: Family

(Note: Butterfly, Revenge, and Autumn all had the same amount of votes, so if you’d rather use one of the other two for the FMA/B crossover feel free!)

Also, if you want to use other prompts to make a Halloweeny piece, feel free!! You don't have to save that for Halloween day!!

Pandora Hearts Month is an event that celebrates Pandora Hearts. The first three weeks celebrate the three main trios (Golden Trio, Rainsworth Trio, and Tragedy Trio) and the fourth is a bonus week that celebrates any ships/friendships/ot3s fans chose and love. You can create edits, fanart, drabbles, fanfictions, amvs and mms!

Vanitas no Carte Month is a new event that celebrates Vanitas no Carte/The Case Study of Vanitas in all its forms (both manga and anime fans welcome!). Every week will celebrate a different character grouping. You can create edits, fanart, drabbles, fanfictions, amvs and mms!

This blog has been experiencing some technical difficulties—and has for longer, and a greater extent, than I realized. It seems as though a number of people who wanted to participate in Phmonth22 in May/June...never saw the posts about it. This means that we are now doing a redo of Pandora Hearts Month 2022! It includes the same exact prompts as before, allowing people who didn't see it before—and anyone who otherwise didn’t get the chance before—to participate now! It occurs at the same time as The Case Study of Vanitas Month 2022.

It seems as though the Tumblr staff has fixed the problem and that I can host these events on this blog once again. However, if you aren't seeing my posts and reblogs here (first and foremost, please notify me) I will reblog everything to my main blog (@i-prefer-the-term-antihero) and my Pandora Hearts and Vnc Sideblog (@this-idiots-left-eye)!

When you post, please remember to:

Tag me @i-prefer-the-term-antihero, @phmonth2022, and/or @this-idiots-left-eye in your posts to make sure I reblog them! (My main blog is your best bet).

Tag #phmonth22 or #vncmonth22 in your tags! I will go through that tag and check if I've missed any direct tags.

Either put a link, or a “read more” on long fics (or long posts in general), so they're easier to reblog!

I also made a collection on Ao3 for writers! Don't hesitate to add your fics to it!

Don’t forget to join our discord if you haven’t! It’s a fun place to discuss the series and more easily share your creations!

You are free to have fun with this!! As long as you tag it, NSFW is allowed! (Tagging ships is nice too). You can pretty much do whatever you want with the prompts!!

As long as you make sure the characters from the group are your main focus, it’s okay to use other characters in your creations too!!

You can join any time, and use as many or as few prompts as you want! And you don't have to post on the exact day if you can’t make it! I’ll reblog things late!

Since we live across the world, you are free to post whenever the day is for you. I myself will be making posts according to my time, which is Central Standard Time in America.

About the Phmonth22 prizes:

Some of you may recall me posting about wanting to add a competition aspect to Phmonth, with the 15th anniversary merch as prizes. I ordered the prizes long ago, however they still have not arrived at my house.

You guys voted to have a raffle decide who gets the prizes, so it will be easy to do the raffle at any time after the Phmonth redo has ended.

Keep in mind that, as per your request, I do intend for there to be multiple prizes, at least one for the artists, and one for the fic writers!

I will revisit the prizes once phmonth22 ends!

Feel free to get started on making stuff early!!

We’re so excited to see what you make! Thank you for all your support!

i-prefer-the-term-antihero

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allwaswell16 · 6 months

Text

I was tagged by @magicalrocketships thank youu! ily!

Name: Anitra

Sign: Libra

Time: 1:47

Last movie: Oof I hardly ever watch movies. I think the last one I saw was Spider-Man: Across the Spiderverse. I took my kids to see it and I actually really loved it. Do documentaries count as movies? If they do, then I just watched Class Action Park a few days ago.

Last show: The last one I watched was Barry. Still midway through Season 2 of that one.

When I created this blog: 2014

Other blogs: fades into the bushes like Homer Simpson, listen I'm always doing 50 things at once, okay?

@hlficlibrary - my Louis/Harry fic rec blog

@letsdocuboutit - my newest one! for my new podcast!

@1dmonthlyficroundup - where I roundup all the current 1d fics each month!

@louisrarepairfest - for the currently posting Louis rare pair fest I run

@soulmatesabroad - for a past fic fest I ran for 3 years and might run again

@1dbreakupfest - ran this fest once and might run it again someday

@podfic-pals - member of this one where we post 1d podfics!

whispers should I talk about the other ones? lol FINE

@louli5ever - dedicated to Oli and the Louli friendship, is it fairly extensive for something that's kind of a joke? maybe.

@hotguyluke - dedicated to Louis' hot friend Luke. Is this also fairly extensive for someone we rarely see? also yes. I don't do things half way, okay?

Let's pretend there aren't any more, okay? Those were the sort of active ones.

Do I get asks/may you ask me something: Yep! Mostly I get asks about fics, but sometimes I write silly things in the tags, feeling like I'm talking to myself and then someone will send me an ask about them and I'm like oh yeah you can all see these

Average hours of sleep: Sighhhhhhhhhhh. I try to sleep from 11-7. Do I sleep from 11-7? No. I probably get to sleep closer to midnight. And since June I have had nightmares almost every single night. Yay. They wake me up multiple times and then I go back to sleep to endure more nightmares before I wake up at 7. So much fun. Yes, I've gone back to therapy.

Instruments: I wish! My son takes drum lessons so I'm living vicariously for now.

What I’m wearing: I wear Louis merch almost every single day, but you've caught me on an off day. I have a pink sweatshirt on that's from my local zoo and some navy blue pants with a white graphic pattern on them and pink Care Bear socks. I have 3 types of hoodies...Louis, Chicago Cubs, and my local zoo. I do not know why I have decided these three things are my entire personality, but oh well.

Dream job: I used to say writer. But I don't know if I want to do that professionally anymore. Or at least I don't think I want to be a fiction writer as a job. And the reason for that is that I love it too much. I love writing so much and it has always been such a huge part of who I am. Do I want to make it into something else? Do I want it to be a job that I "have" to do? Will it still be fun? Will it turn into a chore? I can't stand the thought that I could lose that joy. This is going to maybe piss some writers off lol, but I've never experienced writer's block. I've never sat down and been unable to write something. I'm always writing the exact thing that I want to write in that moment. It's one of the luckiest best things about me. What I've kind of turned to now is podcasting because it is something that I enjoy that I think I'm kind of good at and that I could potentially monetize one day. And it does involve writing because I have to write up notes and talk about something. But that's not really the same as writing a story. blah blah blah sorry this was so long.

I'll tag: @dearlou @noellehenry-original @gaycousinlarry @fallinglikethis @ohharold @joliepetitelou @statementlou and anyone else who wants to do this just say I tagged you!

#tag things

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thelonesomequeen · 11 months

Note

I’m confused by that last anon. What did this Twitter account do?

I don’t want to get into a ton of blog on blog drama, but I’ll give you the run down. At least from our perspective looking at it all. I will not name any names here, even though some of you sent us detailed info on all of these accounts and most of you will already know who this is about, because I don’t want to see anyone doxxed and I don’t want to see any hate sent to these blogs. So please do not do those things. Let’s all be better than that. And again, I don’t know their exact intentions, but this is how it all looked from our point of view.

Another blog decided to pretend to see Chris in Disney and made up a story to go along with it. While one blog claims it was just a silly picture of Buzz Lightyear and it was a joke the fandom misinterpreted, the other blogs kept telling others to look at a man in the corner of the picture. A man who wasn’t facing the camera but had similar features to Chris. They then kept adding in to the story. Basically Chris and Josh were walking around Disney with a cast member. No one else was there. A handful of other blogs ran with it and essentially trolled the fandom with a false sighting of Chris in Disney. Some people believed it right away, but others wanted to wait for more picture proof because you couldn’t see the alleged man’s face. That’s where we were with it. But those blogs putting out the false sighting ran with it being Chris all day. The lie was outed later that evening when a guy spotted Chris at the gym in Massachusetts and included a picture.

In the meantime, a twitter account with a very similar name to one of those blogs (with one follower and zero tweets that was just created in January) tweeted they saw Alba. The tweet is now deleted. Since then, another tweet appeared on the account and it was of a character from Once Upon a Time. The same character that a blog that enjoys spreading lies and was part of this fandom trolling/false sighting attempt is themed after.

When the blogs got caught lying, they said they did it on purpose to troll Alba and her team to see if they’d try to place her in Disney with Chris. They’re claiming they were successful because of that tweet sighting. That was proof her team stalks the fandom and works to troll us. They’re claiming her team took the bait of the Chris Disney sighting (which was fake) and tried to place her where he was to prove they troll the fandom and that her team has no idea where he really is because they aren’t actually together.

They also claimed after the real sighting of Chris in the gym came out that they had known all along Chris was in MA all day. But it’s funny to me how they always know these things “after” the fact and never before. If they knew he was at home, I don’t understand why they did all of this. They claim it was to troll Alba but I’m personally not buying that. They ran the risk of their lie being outed by a real spotting just like it was if that was the case. What they inevitably ended up doing was trolling an entire fandom for the whole day. And to me personally? It just isn’t cool. This fandom is tired and exhausted. There’s so much drama and everyone is just over it. Why others would feel compelled to add to that? I don’t know. But it was a poor choice to have made.

To further add to things, as soon as that Alba sighting tweet was up, people also sent sightings of Alba in asks to other Chris blogs. We got it too, but didn’t post it because there was 0 proof Alba was there, and we were still unsure if Chris was as well. We were even sent flight info to further back up he was there, but again, didn’t post it because it came with no evidence. And without a manifest, there’s no way to prove it’s his flight. Turns out it wasn’t. I have to wonder if those asks were from other people in the fandom watching this all happen as it happened, or if they were from the people who created the false sighting to begin with to help spread the story of the fake sighting to make it more believable.

So basically, because of other lies they’ve told, how everything went down with this trolling attempt, the similarities between the tumblr accounts and the twitter account that claimed to spot Alba, and the bits of info in our inbox we didn’t post, there are a lot of people who feel that one of those blogs was behind the twitter account that posted the Alba sighting to further the narrative of whatever they’re doing over there with trying to prove the relationship is fake. Was it an intentional plan by them to do all of this and it got foiled by a real sighting or just a bunch of coincidences? I know what I think, but your opinion is for you to decide.

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eyeles-writing · 2 years

Photo

You Never Have to Forgive Me - I Will Always Love You.

⭐︎ Word Count: 5844 ⭐︎

⭐︎ Warnings: Canon-typical violence, hurt/comfort, angst ⭐︎

⭐︎ Description: Itachi drags you along with him for a trip to Konohagakure without telling you what’s going on. When he comes back, tears streaming down his face with a clear indication of pain, you know something’s gone wrong. ⭐︎

*a/n: i originally posted this on my main blog, but ive since created a new one and decided to repost it here. im still the real eyeles i promise!!

You and Itachi arrived in Konohagakure early in the morning - you were quick to disguise yourselves as simple tourists upon entering the gate, flashing a bright smile to the guarding ninja and telling stories of your wide travels across the Land of Fire. The ninja let you into the village with a kindhearted smile and a wish of success. You and Itachi quickly made your way to the nearest inn, where you promptly set down all of your items and made a plan for the day.

When Itachi asked you to accompany him on a mission to Konoha, you were hesitant to agree. In all the years you had known the man, he had never once expressed an interest in returning to Konoha. You were only vaguely aware of what had happened in the Leaf all those years ago, but you knew enough to know that Itachi was correct to stay far away. He’d never talked about it with you despite your status as his closest friend; Itachi was stuck with his walls up at all times and very rarely expressed any emotion. He was objective, honest, and emotionless - it’s what appealed to you the most, but it concerned you when he hid his emotions from you. You never knew when he was in a bad place, and that’s what confused you the most when he asked you out of the blue if you would join him on a mission to Konoha.

As soon as you had settled into the hotel, Itachi was heading out the door. He moved silently and didn’t even bother calling your name - the man had fully intended on leaving you in the hotel room and heading out to the streets on his own. Before you had even realized he’d left the room, he was already making his way down the pavement.

Itachi walked swiftly to his destination, using the distinct muscle memory that was ingrained into his mind years ago. He took a left turn, went straight for a while, turned again at the large flower pot, then circled around the fountains to reach his destination - it was the same route he took to the academy almost every single day of school when he was a child.

The dirt was still the same reddish brown that he remembers; it kicked up the exact same way as it used to and created the same dust clouds as Itachi walked. He was entranced by the ivy that had grown across the building he’d admired since he was a child - he’d stare at it every morning as he walked past it and always expressed how much he wanted to live there when he was older. At the age of 21, though, Itachi felt an unfortunate pain in his heart when he first saw that building now overgrown with ivy and grass. It looked abandoned, even.

The sound of a bell had taken Itachi out of his thoughts. He was standing at the corner right across from the Konohagakure academy and his eyes scanned the crowd of children that were now pouring out of the building. He recognized a few kids as members of clans based on their familiar outfits, but beyond that, Itachi felt saddened by the lack of recognition in his mind. Nothing in the village had changed, it seemed, yet Itachi felt as though he’d never been there before.

A kid with bright yellow hair dashed out of the crowd, an intelligible yell escaping his mouth. He appeared happy as he ran, and Itachi watched the two kids trail behind him. A girl with gorgeous pink hair followed the blonde boy with her arms crossed in clear disappointment. Behind her, trailing even slower, was a boy that Itachi had failed to recognize entirely. He looked angry at first, but it became easy to see that he was indifferent to what the boy was yelling about. Itachi furrowed his brow in confusion at the dark-haired boy before it had finally clicked.

The child, who must have been no older than 12, was Itachi’s younger brother - and Itachi was unable to recognize him.

There was nothing about Sasuke that was different or unusual for an Uchiha member; he wore the same white shorts and blue shirt that even Itachi wore as a kid. The familiar Uchiha crest was sewn into the back of the shirt, even. It had simply been too many years since Itachi had last seen his younger brother, and the memory of Sasuke’s face and mannerisms had slowly faded. Every time Itachi failed to recall a memory of his brother, he felt the same aching pain in his heart. Yet, he stayed away.

Sasuke had not noticed Itachi, thankfully, because Itachi had taken a few steps forward in a risky attempt to get a better view of him and almost drew attention to himself. In a moment of desperation, Itachi had activated his Sharingan to solidify the memory in his mind. He had forgotten everything else about Sasuke - he was not going to forget him again, he was determined. Unfortunately, the glow of the Sharingan was far too eye-catching.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sasuke Uchiha could have sworn that he saw the familiar red glow of the Sharingan eyes. He’d seen a tall figure in the shadow of a building across the street as he slowly trailed after Naruto and dreaded the next two hours of training. The figure was out of his mind almost as soon as he’d looked away, but the familiar glowing red he saw out of the corner of his eye was enough for his heart to drop to his stomach. He turned his head instantly to get a better view, but the figure had disappeared entirely by the time he realized what he was looking at. Sasuke muttered to himself and returned his attention back to his teammates, who were now significantly ahead of him. The thought of his older brother lingered in the back of his mind.

When Itachi returned to the hotel room, you were about to release a wave of anguish on him. You had a speech written and rehearsed for the man - it was a powerful proclamation of how you will never be disrespected like this again, how it was extremely inappropriate and immature of Itachi to invite you here and then immediately abandon you. Before you could even open your mouth, though, you stopped in your tracks once you realized Itachi was standing in front of you with tears silently streaming down his face.

“I didn’t recognize him,” he said at a whisper, voice clearly shaking.

“Who?” you asked as you walked toward Itachi, arms held out to him.

“Sasuke.”

Your expression softened instantly upon hearing that name - though you never knew much about the relationship Itachi had with Sasuke, you knew that they were family. Despite everything that happened in the Uchiha clan, it was understood that Itachi cared for Sasuke far more than you’d ever know. When Itachi spoke those words, it stirred a wave of emotion inside of you that could not stop you from pulling him into a hug.

Itachi collapsed into you and sniffled as he attempted to take a deep breath and prevent his tears from falling. It failed, though, when a sob came out of his chest unintentionally. His crying became borderline uncontrollable as he fell into your shoulder. Your arms wrapped around his body as you pulled him closer; gently, you tried to reassure him.

“You’re okay,” you whispered, doing your best to fight back your own tears, “you’re okay.”

Itachi tried to speak, but another cry came out by accident. You shushed him and pressed your hand to his back and began rubbing circles on him in an attempt to soothe him. After another minute of his cries, you carefully led him across the room to sit on the bed. He followed without any issue and sat down next to you, but didn’t dare show his face to you. When he pushed himself away from your shoulder moments later, you looked away from his face. Itachi was a man who was obsessed with his image - he’s eternally poised and always holds himself to the highest degree of decorum; being seen in a state like this is something that he’d be embarrassed of for the rest of his life, so you consciously did your best to avert your gaze.

“I thought that seeing Sasuke after all this time would reassure me, but it’s done the opposite,” his voice faltered as he sat up, still clearly distraught. “I could tell, even in that short moment, that… That I destroyed all potential for him to succeed.” He lowered his head and rested it on his palms, pressing one to his eye in an attempt to clear the oncoming headache after his tears had slowed down.

“You cannot predict the future,” you said, wrapping your arm around his shoulder, “you have no idea what Sasuke will do. I’m sure he’s amazing.”

“He would have surpassed me by now if I hadn’t done what I did,” Itachi whispered, “I destroyed his potential. I created his pain and I solidified his life of grief and isolation.”

“You were a kid,” you hugged him tighter, “you had no choice.”

Itachi shook his head. “What I did was beyond horrible.”

“Yes,” you agreed, “but that does not mean that you are horrible.”

Itachi crumbled once more, leaning further into your touch.

The tears continued falling silently until the sun had began to set. The sky had turned a gorgeous pink color and reflected beautifully on the lake in front of the inn - when you realized how late it had become, you peeled away from your sleeping partner to get dinner for the both of you. He had eventually cried himself to sleep, you assumed, and was now resting. You wrote a note for him just in case he woke up during the time you were gone. You threw on a jacket and went to the front desk to ask where the best takeout food was.

You kicked the red dirt as you walked, slowly chasing the same pebble that you’d accidentally brushed forward. It became a game to you, to see just how far you could take that single pebble. It made it only a few more kicks before you’d underestimated your strength and sent it flying off your charted path. You turned your attention toward your surroundings and found yourself peoplewatching as you walked.

There was a kid, maybe 13 at most, who was being screamed at by a girl of roughly the same age with the highest ponytail you’d ever seen. What she was saying was mostly incomprehensible to you, but it was clear that the boy did not seem to care. In fact, there was another boy right next to him feasting on a bag of chips while watching the entire ordeal.

After you’d turned the corner, your destination came into view. There was a group of kids across the street with a few ninja watching over them, the adults having their own conversations while the kids were busy trying to show off the different jutsu they’d allegedly mastered. A boy with an adorably small dog was boasting about his seemingly excellent kunai-throwing accuracy while a different boy in an alarmingly green outfit was proclaiming his dedication to being a ninja. Seeing the kids just be kids sparked a warmth in your heart, a tender feeling that everything just might be fine.

You entered the ramen shop with intentions to get a light dinner. However, when you sat down and looked at the row of people next to you, it was obvious that the proportions in this restaurant were huge. You ordered your food and stared at the posters while you waited. You’d also decided to passively eavesdrop on the group next to you.

“You’re being a total loser,” an unfamiliar voice said. From what you could tell, there were three kids and a ninja - you could only assume that they were a team.

“What?” another one playfully groaned, “I just wanna see whose quicker at eating a bowl of ramen!” The boy smacked his chopsticks on the table, signaling to the chef to make another bowl.

“Did you ask me if I’d buy you enough ramen for that, Naruto?” The ninja at the opposite end of the table asked, not even bothering to look up from the book he was reading, which had a large “18+” sticker on the back of it. It made you cringe just a little to see a man reading that in public.

The blonde boy, who you assumed was Naruto, smiled sheepishly and shook his head. “What’s a little more ramen, huh?” he asked. He then turned to the boy he was taunting previously. “What, Sasuke, you scared?”

Instantly, your head turned to the boy. The lighting in the shop wasn’t amazing, so you couldn’t exactly see his face, but you could tell just by looking at him that he was an Uchiha; the crest on the back of his shirt gave it away completely, but even just looking at his face was enough. The resemblance to Itachi was undoubtful. This was Sasuke Uchiha, and you were somehow lucky enough to run into him.

“Would you QUIT IT?!” A hand smacked Naruto’s face quickly, causing him to scream in pain. “Sakura!” Naruto whined, putting his head down on the table. Sakura huffed and returned to her ramen while Sasuke smirked in satisfaction.

Your own bowl of ramen was placed in front of you and you began to eat. You quickly discovered it was far too hot, though, so you needed to pass the time until it cooled off.

“Excuse me,” you smiled at the group next to you, “but I’m a tourist from the Land of Water and I was hoping you’d be able to tell me about Konohagakure. You’re ninja, correct?”

You didn’t intend on spending the next hour talking to the group, but you did - The team’s leader had introduced himself as Kakashi Hatake, who you’d most certainly heard of because of his use of the Sharingan eye. Though you were a more peaceful participant of the Akatsuki group, you were still knowledgeable on the organization’s biggest enemies. Kakashi was certainly one of them, mostly because of his amazing abilities as a ninja.

Naruto Uzumaki was the one to do most of the talking. It was very easy to see that he was someone who was constantly bouncing off the walls with excitement over the prospect of being a ninja. You’d learned all about his academy life within just a few minutes and, with one of the cutest smiles you’d ever seen, told you that he’d invite you personally to be in the front row of his inauguration as the next Hokage. With how dedicated he seemed, a part of you truly believed in his ability.

Sakura Haruno was next to tell you about both herself and Konoha, though she mostly told you about the different herbalist and medicinal specialists throughout the village. She told you that she wanted to become a medical ninja and wanted to do everything she could to help those in need - seeing such a bright and kind young girl filled your heart with a warmth like no other and in that moment, you felt a true hope for the future world.

“What about you?” You’d asked, turning to Sasuke Uchiha. You only started the conversation with Team Seven simply to talk to Sasuke, and yet he was the one who spoke the least. He appeared to have no interest in talking to you, though, as he only answered with a short sentence.

“I’m going to be the best ninja in the world,” he said sternly. He’d been picking slowly at his ramen that was nearing empty and when he spoke, he stabbed the noodles with precision.

“You’ve got to be pretty amazing to do that, y’know. Would you say you’re pretty good?” You inquired.

“Sasuke’s the top of his class!” Sakura chimed in, leaning over the table to look at him. She grinned at Sasuke, who appeared entirely indifferent to her presence, and she giggled.

“Really?” You smiled. Sakura nodded enthusiastically. “He’s the best! He’s totally mastered his Fireball Jutsu and he’s even mastered the Chidori!”

Though you had no idea what the Chidori was, you could sense that it was an impressive move when Kakashi nodded in confirmation. Sasuke didn’t respond to you nor Sakura’s compliments - instead, he continued picking at his food.

“Well, I’m sure you’ve got tons of people that are proud of you,” you smiled at him. In a low voice, you continued. “I know your family is proud of you, at least.”

Sasuke noticeably tensed up. “You know nothing of my family.”

You shook your head. “Not much, no, but you’re clearly a talented boy. It’s hard to miss that.”

An hour later, you returned to your hotel room with a box of ramen for Itachi. He remained laying in the same spot you’d left him, though this time he was wide awake. At first, you thought he was maybe dead because of his stillness - instead, though, he was staring at the ceiling simply because he didn’t want to get up.

“I brought you food,” you said.

He sat up slowly and pushed the hair out of his face. Itachi took the bag from you and began eating what you brought him. He didn’t say thank you, but you could see his appreciation despite the silence and averted gaze. He’d voice his thoughts many days later once the two of you returned home, but you knew it before then anyway.

“I… I saw Sasuke,” you said after a few minutes. His hand went still, pausing in the middle of lifting some noodles out of the bowl with chopsticks. He looked up at you and met your eyes for the first time that night. He looked exhausted, and it filled you with a feeling of sorrow just at the sight of his tired eyes.

“He’s amazing, Itachi,” you whispered with a smile, “he’s such a bright young boy. I talked to him and his teammates.”

Itachi nodded before returning to his food.

He cleared his throat. “Could you tell me about him?” He asked just above a whisper, voice wavering. You nodded.

“I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up,” you laughed, “and he said he wanted to be the best ninja ever. It was adorable.”

Itachi’s lip twitched at your remark, which was usually an indication of a smile for him.

“His teammate said that he mastered both the Fireball Jutsu and the Chidori.”

“The Chidori?” Itachi inquired, eyebrows furrowing, “that’s a high-level jutsu.”

You smiled and nodded. “His teacher is none other than Kakashi Hatake, Itachi. He’s the best in his class, I’m told. He’s an amazing kid.”

Itachi smiled this time. “I always knew he’d be an amazing ninja,” he whispered, “but mastering the Chidori at his age is unheard of.”

You sat down on the bed next to Itachi, leaning your shoulder against his. “He’s got some pretty awesome teammates too,” you grinned, “there’s this kid Naruto. They’re like, best friends and enemies at the same time. Couldn’t stop bickering with each other, it was adorable. He says he’s going to be Hokage some day, and I think I believe him.”

Itachi hummed in response. You continued. “Kakashi also has the Sharingan, too, which means Sasuke has someone to teach him at least a little bit, you know.”

Itachi shrugged. “He can only teach Sasuke so much.”

You nodded. “I’m sure Sasuke’s already passed him in the Sharingan by now.”

The rest of the night was spent retelling every single moment of your dinner with Sasuke. You made sure to leave out nothing - you went as far as telling Itachi exactly what his brother had ordered at the ramen shop, even. Itachi deserved to know every single second of what happened, no matter how small. When you’d finished telling him and the two of you had gone silent, you turned off the light in the room and crawled into the bed next to Itachi.

“During the mission briefing,” Itachi whispered, “I was told to eliminate everyone.”

It went without saying what mission Itachi was referring to. You reached out for his hand in the dark.

“I couldn’t hurt Sasuke,” he said, and you could tell he was crying once more. “I knew I couldn’t, so I planned to tell him the most vile things to make him hate me.” You furrowed your brow, but didn’t speak up. He continued. “Just to give him a reason to live after everything that I’d done.”

Itachi was shaking now, and you couldn’t tell if it was because of his crying or if he was having another panic attack. You squeezed his hand in reassurance.

“I couldn’t say anything to him,” Itachi whispered. “It pains me to say that I have no memory of the last conversation I had with my brother.”

“You should talk to him,” you whispered to him. Itachi stayed silent. At one point, you thought he had fallen asleep.

“I’d like that,” he responded. “I would like that.”

A whole fourteen hours later, you and Itachi found yourselves outside the academy. He wanted to talk to Sasuke but expressed to you that he was unsure where to start. Even though Itachi had a delicate and practiced mask of indifference on at all hours of the day, it was obvious that he was incredibly nervous at the prospect of meeting his younger brother. Itachi’s mask was cracking and falling off, though, as his nerves increasingly got the better of him. His hands were twitching and fidgety as you walked together through the streets and he completely ignored everything you had to say, almost as if he was lost in thought entirely. It was normal for Itachi to ignore you, but never this much - if he truly didn’t want to listen to you, he’d have gotten far away by now.

“Itachi,” you whispered, gently elbowing the man, “look.”

From where the two of you stood in the shadows of a nearby building, it was difficult to see the oncoming flood of children that were released from school at the precise time of 2o’clock. However, the striking appearance of Naruto in the crowd was enough to draw your attention. His bright yellow hair and rowdy attitude drew your eyes in, which lead you to the Sasuke and Sakura that were trailing behind him with annoyed faces.

You looked to Itachi, who appeared as indifferent as ever, and did your best to scan his face for any indication of what he was thinking. He seemed completely frozen.

“They have training after school most days,” you whispered to him, recalling your memory of the shared dinner and remembering how Naruto told you all about how hard he trains.

His bright smile was contagious. “I train pretty much every day, you know!” He beamed at you, “every single day after school!” Naruto giggled. “Well, except Mondays and Wednesdays…”

“It might be best for us to wait until after training.” Itachi nodded at your comment, but didn’t respond. You watched Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto walk down the path until they had become specks along the horizon. Then, the two of you were on your way.

“Wait,” Itachi grabbed your shoulder as you turned to walk back to the hotel. You stopped in your tracks and turned to him with a look of bewilderment.

“I want to watch them train,” he proposed, “to see if I… truly did destroy his chances.”

Together, you walked to the training grounds where Sasuke and his teammates had gone to. The walk was quiet but comfortable, though Itachi’s nerves were still present. You tried to reassure him during your walk, but it proved to be useless once it was clear that Itachi was not looking for your advice.

“There is nothing you can say that will subdue my unease,” Itachi muttered, “it’s best to leave it alone right now.”

When you finally arrived at the training grounds, Sasuke and his teammates were sitting in the grass together.

“Maaaaan!” Naruto groaned, leaning back into the grass, “Kakashi-sensei is so lame, making us wait here all day for him!”

“You’re lame, loser,” Sasuke mumbled, using a stick to mindlessly drag along the grass in boredom. Naruto huffed in response at the childish insult, but didn’t respond.

The three chattered about school for almost twenty minutes until their sensei had finally arrived to the training grounds.

“Sorry guys, a black cat crossed my path-”

“So you had to go the long way,” the three children chimed in, a sure sign that Kakasshi’s excuse was long worn out. He smiled sheepishly and shoved his book into a pocket, making sure to bookmark the page first. Despite the long wait, Sakura had a soft smile on her face and Naruto was giggling at the absurdity.

“Now then, should we get started?” Kakashi asked, which made all three students rise to their feet and await instruction.

The training session was focused on building team trust - the copy ninja had his students working together to achieve a goal, however the major handicap was Naruto needing to listen to his teammates and Sasuke needing to cooperate with Naruto. There was plenty of fighting, but they eventually reached their goal. Sasuke got to practice a few of his jutsu during the training session as well, which caused Itachi to let out a chuckle of satisfaction at the sight of his younger brother being a talented ninja.

“He’s acquired quite the set of skills,” Itachi commented under his breath, “it’s impressive.”

You smiled. “I told you,” you said, “he’s a gifted kid.” Itachi, for what seemed like the first time in his life, smiled. It was small and soft, but it was definitely there - his lip curled upward and twitched a little at the unfamiliarity of the muscle being used, but it was certainly recognizable as a smile. It filled you with a feeling of felicity.

When training was finally over, you and Itachi trailed Sasuke back to where he was living. Upon first glance, you thought Sasuke had been living in the Uchiha property alone all this time. He entered through the main gates, but instantly turned right and walked down a small path that lead to a small shed in the back of the property. As you slowly trailed the boy, you peered into the windows of the buildings surrounding and found that they were either boarded up or riddled with crime-scene tape. As you walked past a window, you were met with what appeared to be a black reflection. However, you quickly recognized it instead as a swarm of flies covering the panes. You shuddered and directed your attention elsewhere.

Itachi was noticeably tense, presumably reliving that one night all over again, and he remained completely silent as the two of you walked. Sasuke was just barely in the distance, but he was close enough to just barely be seen. The growing darkness assisted in hiding your figures from Sasuke, so you grew less concerned with staying hidden.

Once Sasuke had disappeared inside his shed, you and Itachi stepped behind a building to quietly discuss the plan you had come up with that morning.

“Okay,” you smiled at him reassuringly, “you’re just going to go up there, knock on the door, and talk to him.”

Itachi nodded, remaining quiet.

“And if he gets violent or starts acting like he’s going to do something irrational, you get out of there immediately, right?” You nudged him to make sure he was paying attention.

“Yes,” Itachi spoke, suddenly aware of how dry his mouth was.

You watched the man walk across the gravel and knock gently on the door before taking a step back. Almost thirty seconds later, the door opened and you watched the look of pure confusion on Sasuke’s face change into horror the moment Itachi opened his mouth.

“It’s you,” Sasuke spat, “I hoped that you’d be dead by now.”

Itachi was about to speak, but Sasuke was quick to cut him off.

“Nevermind that, I’ll be the one to do it then!” Sasuke yelled, dashing toward Itachi with a spark of lightning in his palm. Itachi was far too quick, though, and easily dodged the attack - Sasuke went flying past him and almost into the garden wall.

“I came here to talk,” Itachi said, watching Sasuke stumble back to his feet. “I do not wish to fight you.”

“Really?!” Sasuke spat, “you told me you only let me live so I could be the one to kill you!” He shifted positions and pulled out a kunai. “You held me at knifepoint, Itachi, and said I was too pathetic to kill!”

He dashed toward your partner again, and Itachi reached a hand out to stop Sasuke. The force of his brothers actions were enough to send Sasuke flying into Itachi’s body before he quickly jumped back.

“You’re the pathetic one, Itachi,” he raged, “you’re too much of a coward to even fight me!”

Itachi nodded. “You’re right, Sasuke.”

His breath caught in his throat upon hearing the words, but his position did not falter. “Are you really that craven?” he taunted, beckoning Itachi forward with the kunai.

“I wanted to apologize,” Itachi stated. Sasuke scoffed.

“For killing our clan?” Sasuke tightened his grip on the blade. “You’re long past forgiveness for that, brother.”

“No,” Itachi stepped forward, “for accepting the mission.”

Sasuke’s brow furrowed. “What the hell do you mean?” he asked. He held his grip.

“Our clan was planning a coup,” Itachi explained, “and intended to overthrow the Hokage. I was given direct orders to eliminate all the participants.”

Sasuke scoffed. “However,” he muttered, “I could not bring myself to eliminate you.”

“I was too pathetic to kill, right?” Sasuke narrowed his eyes. “I was too pitiful. Say it, Itachi!”

Sasuke took a few steps toward Itachi and pressed the blade to his older brother’s neck, indenting the skin just enough for it to be truly threatening. He locked eyes with his opponent. “I want to hear you say it.”

“You were too precious, Sasuke,” Itachi said, which caused Sasuke to stumble backward in surprise. “I loved you too much to hurt you, and every day I regret what I did.”

Sasuke shook his head. From where you were standing and watching everything going down, it seemed as though tears were beginning to form in his eyes. You found yourself thinking about all the years Sasuke spent alone because of Itachi, and your empathy only grew stronger for the boy.

“You told me I was pathetic,” Sasuke said, perplexed. His brother nodded slowly.

“I had to give you a reason to live after what I had done.”

Sasuke shook his head again, refusing to believe his brother. “I have spent my whole life waiting for the day that I could kill you,” he spat, “and you’re here telling me it was all for nothing?!”

“I’d be honored if you were the one to kill me,” Itachi whispered.

“Every day, my dear brother, I regret what I did. There is not a moment that goes by where I am not in an unwavering state of lament because of my actions. I left you alive because I could not bring myself to hurt you. I love you more than anything, Sasuke, and it’s the reason that I stand before you today.”

Sasuke growled, seemingly unaffected by the words Itachi just spoke. “You’re a monster,” he hissed, “you deserve to spend every second of your life in despair for what you did!”

A kunai was thrown swiftly from Sasuke, which struck the door where Itachi was standing. With a quick lean to the left, the kunai went right past him and into the wooden frame. Sasuke let out a groan of frustration.

“I hate you,” he condemned, “and I want nothing to do with you!”

“I do not need you to love me, dear Sasuke,” Itachi expressed, “I just need you to know the truth.”

Itachi revealed a scroll beneath his cloak. It was something that you’d never seen before, which caused you to wonder exactly how long Itachi had been planning this trip to see Sasuke. He set the scroll on the ground and rolled it across the pavement.

“This scroll contains the mission briefings and all the paperwork associated with it. You will see Danzo’s signature on every single one of those papers, along with exactly what I was ordered to do.”

Sasuke peered down at the scroll and, after a moment of consideration, picked it up. His hands traced the words written on the seal. Itachi produced another scroll, smaller this time.

“This scroll is a communication scroll.” Itachi rolled it across the ground. “This one is connected to another I have in my possession. Whatever you write on the scroll will appear on mine, and the same for my writing.”

Sasuke picked up the second scroll and opened it and found a large sheet of what appeared to be simple parchment. A seal was drawn across the top.

“I left you for so long because I believed you were not strong enough to understand the information contained in that scroll,” Itachi stated. “However, a dear friend of mine told me all about your talent. I’ve been told that you’re the best in your class and that you’ve mastered some impressive jutsu already, Sasuke.”

A shade of pink rose to Sasuke’s face. “So what?” He huffed.

“I am proud of you,” Itachi smiled. “You’ve turned into a fine young man, and I couldn’t be any more delighted to hear how amazing you’ve become.”

Itachi’s eyes glanced over to you, and he gave you a look before quickly signing a few hand formations and disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

“I truly wish to be your brother again, Sasuke,” Itachi had said just a second before disappearing, and Sasuke’s face formed a look of sorrow. A single tear had slid down his face after his brother had disappeared, and you waited until he went inside to move.

When you returned to the hotel, you found Itachi sitting on the bed and peering outside the window. You greeted him quietly, and he nodded his head at you in response.

“That went as well as it could have,” you stated. He nodded.

“I believe that, in due time, Sasuke will open that scroll and finally understand.”

You smiled at Itachi and sat down next to him, leaning your own head on his shoulder. “I think Sasuke is lucky to have you as a brother, minus the killing your family part.”

Itachi actually chuckled lightly at your remark despite the untoward joke.

“I can only hope that a day will come where Sasuke himself could think that, Y/N.”

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