#Sorry for the rant; but if I had a dollar for every time I got this question; I'd have like 7 dollars gdhjdjhj
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Daisuke's Notes on Venom's Concept and Design:
Like Millia, he was raised in the Assassin's Guild from an early age. He adores Zato.
He was set up to be a long-reach character and flier. I wondered what kind of character I should make. Originally, he had a cello.
He actually had a fan for a weapon before Anji did. He also had a large cross, which I thought was the best concept, however, we were told that it was OK to have it as a part of his design, but not to hit anyone with it.
When I was struggling, I went out to play games as a distraction. One time, as we were playing billiards, we talked about how interesting it would be to have a fighter who fights with a pool cue. But I thought the character would be too boring with just the cue alone, so I made it so that his hair also covered his face and added a mark on it with a bit of paint.
Since the head had such a strong personality, I wanted to keep the body simple. However, I wanted to change the overall shape of the body to make it similar to Zato's, so that's why the legs are like that.
As for the pants design, if I wanted to keep it simple, I would have made each leg the same color, but that would've made his figure appear more naked. To find a way around this, I made one leg light and the other dark to add more of a mysterious flair.
#SORRY i got distracted.#also if i had a dollar for every time daisuke described venom as 'mysterious' id be rich#also that last paragraph was a bitch to transcribe in a way that like. made sense?#bc on its own it really doesnt lmao i didnt want to stray too far from what he was saying#ANYWAYS WE COULD HAVE HAD THE RELIGIOUS IMAGERY!!!!!!!! THE CATHOLIC GUILT. FUCK#my first thought was wolfwood from trigun if he carried around a giant cross lmao#and knowing daisuke likes trigun part of me wonders if wolfwood was actually inspiration for venom#guess we'll never know...#EDIT AS IM STILL TYPING THIS POST; HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING#HE ABSOLUTELY BASED VENOM OFF OF WOLFWOOD. CHRIST ALIVE HOW DIDNT I NOTICE#THE PARALLELS. THEYRE THERE. THEYRE THERE ALL RIGHT. YOU SNEAKY SON OF A BITCH#sorry got distracted again bc i needed a moment to process this.#anyways. um. yeah!#sorry for the tag rant. im normal i promise.#thank you for the food kat i might do more if im feeling up for it LOL#guilty gear#venom guilty gear
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MAKE IT UP TO YOU!
{dom!sanemi , sub!reader , degrading , overstimulation , use of the word ‘bitch’ , choking , modern au.}
when y/n’s new pair of shoes are ruined because of her clumsiness enemy, her enemy is forced to apologize and make it up to her, but it seems to go a little further than just that.
"you fucking asshole!"
"oh, shut up, you whiny bitch!"
"you ruined my shoes! i hope you die!"
"shut the hell up! the shoes were ugly anyway!"
y/n l/n, the forever enemy of sanemi shinazugawa, was currently fuming because of his clumsy actions. y/n was always a spoiled daddy's girl since birth. her dad bought her anything and everything she wanted. he was filthy rich, after all. she lived in a huge mansion with a huge bedroom just for her. she'd always gotten the latest designer clothes or bags, and the newest shoes.
today was yet another day in college, y/n and sanemi arguing over every little thing. however, it was lunchtime. sanemi doesn't usually eat lunch food, so he just got a red fanta out of the vending machine. unfortunately for y/n, she was walking towards sanemi and she hadn't realized it.
the poor girl bumped into him, the red drink spilling all over her brand new white shoes and her outfit. though, she was more concerned about her shoes.
"you shut up! i think they're cute! you just don't have any fashion sense, you tacky motherfucker!"
as sanemi was about to say something else, his eyes shifted over to his friends before he spoke. "tsk. you're embarrassing me. i don't have time for you."
sanemi purposely bumped her shoulder before walking over to his small group of friends, as she walked off to the bathroom to clean off her shoes as much as she could.
when y/n made it to the bathroom, she sighed lowly. she put soap on a tissue and wet it, scrubbing her shoes roughly. although y/n was spoiled, she was very appreciative. she was happy with anything her dad gave her. it'd hurt her deeply to know that the thing that was given to her from one of the only people that actually loves her had gotten messed up.
she exhaled, throwing her head back as she let the shoes fall from her hands and onto the ground. despite scrubbing as much as she could, there was still a reddish pink color on her shoes. now she had to deal with the embarrassment of walking around with dirty shoes. hopefully bleach would do the trick when she got home.
y/n slipped her shoes back on, throwing the napkins away in the garbage before walking out. as she walked out, she saw sanemi leaning against the wall next to the boy's bathroom.
"what are you doing, you creep?" she murmured.
sanemi pushed himself off of the wall, arms crossed over his chest.
"tsk. i already don't wanna do this."
"do what?" she stared at him in confusion.
"look, i'm sorry. okay? i'm sorry about messing your shoes up." his cheeks were tinted with the reddest color possible, and his expression showed his embarrassment.
"oh? sanemi's apologizing for once?" she teased.
"shut up!" he hissed. "if you want, i can... make it up to you."
she paused. "...who's telling you to do this?"
"shino— nobody! i'm doing this on my own! now, do you want me to make it up to you or not?"
"um... how?"
"i'll take you out to dinner—, to your favorite restaurant."
"ha! unless you're planning to spend a couple hundred dollars at least, i think not."
"...whatever. it doesn't matter. so, do you wanna go or not?"
"um... sure." she replied quietly, thinking that if she said that, it'd change his mind.
"give me your number. i'll pick you up at six." he held his hand out, expecting her phone.
after exchanging numbers, y/n left to go home early with her dad. she ranted to her father, who was off of work that day, for what felt like hours on end about sanemi. her father could only awkwardly listen to her as she paced around the spacious living room.
y/n's father was used to listening to her rants. especially about sanemi. he'd suggested switching schools, yet, for some reason, she always insisted on staying.
"his dumb white hair and those ugly scars all over his disgusting face—! i hate him!" she groaned, holding her head in her hands.
"listen, sweetheart, i'll just buy you another pair."
she sighed. "daddy, that's not the point. he ruined my shoes on purpose!"
"mmh. did he apologize...?"
"w-well, yeah. he said he'd take me out as an apology..." she said lowly. "it's not something he always does."
"maybe he finally realized what he did wrong." her father smiled, though, on the inside, he was raging.
how dare someone as poor as him make his sweet baby girl so angry like that?! he was just as furious as she was, if not worse. he wanted to pounce on sanemi as soon as he got the chance.
"okay, fine." she exhaled.
"where's he taking you out at?"
"i don't know. he said he would take me out to my favorite restaurant—, but you already know it costs a couple hundred."
he pinched the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. "that boy... i'm gonna have to give him a good talking to."
"what time is it?"
he checked his watch. "five thirty."
"ah! he said he was gonna pick me up at six!" she rushed to leave the living room, hurriedly going to her bedroom.
she looked through her huge walk-in closet, looking for a dress that wasn't too over the top, yet fancy enough. she wore a tight black dress with a slit going up to her thigh, that had a black belt with her first initial in gold on it, laced with small diamonds. the dress had spaghetti straps and was quite low in the chest area. she'd also worn some black heels to go with her dress.
for her accessories, she wore some expensive gold hoop earrings and one necklace that had a famous brand on it. lastly, a gold tennis bracelet and her watch.
she then put on a small amount of makeup, having the thoughts of impressing no one—, not even sanemi... maybe just a little. she glossed her lips and stared at herself in her vanity. y/n couldn't help but take a picture and post it.
"y/n!" hearing the loud calling of her name, she stood up. she checked her watch, seeing it was already six fifteen. she was fifteen minutes late
the boy had just arrived at y/n's house, and god, was he shocked. he knew she was rich and all, but to live in such a large house? he'd almost thought she lived in a castle. he whistled as he got out of the car.
sanemi then walked up to her porch, which that alone was big.
he rang the doorbell.
not long after, her father came out. his eyes were practically piercing into sanemi's soul. sanemi swallowed thickly.
"hi—." his voice cracked. he then cleared his throat. "hello, sir. i'm here for y/n."
"why are you here for my daughter?"
"to take her out."
"on a date? so, you think you're worthy enough for her?"
"uh... it's not really a date. i'm just— making something up to her."
"you messed up her brand new shoes, didn't you? the ones that cost more than you could ever afford?"
sanemi clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth, deciding not to respond.
"however, not many people would do this for someone they dislike. i appreciate it. i'll handle getting her another pair, just make her happy tonight. you understand?"
"yes, sir."
in an instant, her father grabbed sanemi's collar, pulling him close to him.
"and you better have her back home by nine. even one minute later than that and you're gonna get a piece of my mind. i want her here like she was before she left. i may not be here by nine, but i have cameras everywhere outside and inside of the house besides her room and a gps on her phone. if she comes back pissed off like she did today, you better fucking believe your life will be over and you'll see the rusty gates of hell. you hear me?"
"y-yeah, i hear ya." he muttered, nodding his head slowly.
"y/n!"
after her father called her name, the girl rushed down the stairs and to the front door. the sound of her heels clicking against the floor indicated that she was close. the clumsy girl bumped into her father's back, rubbing her nose.
"ouch..." she muttered. "sorry, dad."
"mmh. it's fine."
she stepped away from him, standing right in sanemi's view. sanemi could feel his cheeks grow hot upon seeing her.
"hi, sanemi."
"hey, y/n."
"well, i guess we should hurry and go now. i know my dad has some type of curfew for me."
"yeah, nine pm. any later than that, sanemi. remember what i told you."
"yes, sir. i'll bring her back by nine."
"good. that's what i like to hear. now, let's see if you'll make it happen."
the man then kissed his daughter's cheek, hugging her side.
"love you."
she giggled. "i love you too, dad."
she walked off with sanemi, as her dad watched her leave.
sanemi opened the door for her, and then went inside of the car himself. she looked through the tinted windows, watching as her dad closed the front door.
"sanemi,"
"huh?"
"honestly, i'm not that hungry. if i ever do get hungry, i could just go for a fast food restaurant on the way home."
"what are you implying?"
"i don't wanna go out to eat. i wanna do something fun."
"like?"
"let's go to a club." she grinned.
"hold on, your dad has a gps on your phone. what if you get in trouble? no, wait, i'm gonna get in trouble."
"oh—, come on. don't be such a pussy."
"i'm not being a pussy. if you think i'm gonna get in trouble because you wanna get drunk and party your ass off, you're thinking wrong."
"you're so lame."
sanemi rolled his eyes. "fine."
"there's one across the street from my favorite restaurant. it's less expensive, too. on ******* street."
"oh... that one."
"hm? you been there before?"
"yeah, once. it was fun, i guess."
she smiled. "well, come on! let's go!"
—
as the two arrived, they were greeted by the blaring music, colorful flashing lights, and people talking loudly. she grasped his hand, pulling him over to the bar.
when he sat down, he stared at her confusedly.
"i wanna have a couple drinks before we party, 'kay?" y/n said, taking off her jewelry and placing it inside of her purse.
"i didn't know you were a drinker."
"i don't do it much. i just have two or three before i stop. it's pretty rare of me to drink anyway."
"so, what's with the change now?"
"i just wanna have fun. take this night as a night to forget about what happened today, i guess."
he sat there quietly, lips pursed together as he stared at her. whatever this swelling feeling was in his chest, he wanted to get rid of it immediately.
when the bartender took their orders and gave them their drinks, they had a quite nice conversation with each other. honestly, the two realized they weren't as bad as they'd thought. however, they were only convincing themselves that it was just the drinks getting to their heads.
after y/n's third drink, she let out a relieved sigh.
"that was good. you drunk yet, sanemi?"
"i should be asking you that... but no. i'm nowhere near drunk."
"okay, let's go party, then!" she grinned, running off to the dance floor.
he paid and tipped the bartender, rushing after her. sanemi grasped her shoulders, stopping her where she was before she could get any further.
"calm down! at least wait for me."
"okay, sorry. come on."
she walked with his hands on her shoulder towards the dance floor in the huge crowd of people. she then grabbed one of his hands, bringing him in front of her. the smile on y/n's face made sanemi's heart flutter. he shook his head.
he was embarrassed to be seen with y/n, being that she was dancing nonstop to the loud music. he just stood there awkwardly, arms crossed over his chest.
"sanemi~!" y/n groaned. "you're being lame again!"
"uh? how?"
"why aren't you dancing?"
"i don't dance."
"okay—? no one's gonna judge you if you try."
"no."
"please?"
"absolutely not."
"i'm not having fun if you won't dance with me!"
"oh, well."
"i'll tell my dad."
"okay, okay! how am i supposed to dance?"
"want me to show you?"
"um? how're you gonna do that?"
"just do whatever your mind tells you to do, 'kay?"
"what do you m—?" his cheeks began to get red as he watched the girl stand in front of him, the slight contact of her hips on his his making his adam's apple bob when he swallowed. "w-what're you doing?!"
she laughed. "dancing, duh!"
she danced in front of him, their bodies touching and grinding against each others. sanemi could only awkwardly try to follow what she did. feeling her pressing against his dick made him horny, however. he wasn't thinking about dancing.
he was getting turned on, and so was she. she could feel his hardness pressing against her inner thighs. sanemi moved his hand down, grabbing her waist and pulling her closer to him. they followed each other's movements, enjoying the fun of dancing until he moved his hands down a little too far.
"y-you—! stop, you dickhead!" she turned around, glaring daggers at the boy.
"mm? you don't like it?"
"we— we're in public...!" she stammered, not wanting to admit that she did, in fact, enjoy it.
feeling sanemi's big bulge in between her thighs made her even more turned on.
"so... you do like it?"
she crossed her arms, refusing to answer.
he could only smile arrogantly. "you do."
sanemi grabbed her leg, placing it on his hip. she struggled to keep her balance, but he kept his hand on her waist.
"what time is it?" he muttered.
"it's only seven..."
"mmh. you wanna go back to your place?"
"huh— why? we've barely even been here!"
that cocky grin on his face told her exactly why. she swallowed the knot in her throat, smiling right along with him. she put her arms around his neck and brought him in closer.
"you wanna fuck me?" she asked him.
"hell yeah."
she pursed her lips together. sanemi removed her arms from around his neck, grasping her hand as he walked out of the club.
—
stumbling inside of her room, sanemi kicked it closed without departing his lips from hers. he pushed her against the wall roughly, items on her shelves rattling and some even falling over. he groaned, hands roaming up her dress. the mere contact of his cold fingertips on her skin was enough to get a moan out of her.
he pulled away from her, unzipping her dress. he gave her a look before gradually tugging it down. she stepped out of it, kicking it elsewhere. sanemi unclasped y/n's bra, letting it fall from her shoulders. his calloused hands immediately grasped onto her breasts, kissing her once more. she let out a dragged-out whine at the feeling of his fingers pinching at her nipples.
he moved his lips down her jawline and her neck, sucking on her skin harshly. his teeth scraped at her delicate skin as he bit on it, the flat of his tongue pressing against the spot he'd bitten. she could feel herself getting wet at his touch, getting more turned on than before.
"sanemi—," she choked out, instinctively placing her hand on his chest. "let's go to the bed."
he then scooped her up in his arms, walking over to her bed. he dropped her down, her eyes widening in surprise as she stared at sanemi's expression. y/n's lips curled into a nervous grin as she sat up, only to have him crawl on top of her.
he grasped her jaw, forcing her to look at him.
"you havin' second thoughts?" he raised an eyebrow.
"w-what—? hell no."
"mmh. thought you'd chicken out."
"i'd never. even if i did, you probably already came in your pants from just kissing me." she said with an arrogant grin on her face.
"oh, is that right?" he smirked, looking down at her bare chest before staring into her eyes.
she nodded. he roughly pressed his lips against hers once more, the two falling back onto the bed. she wrapped her arms around his neck. he moved his hand down her abdomen and between her legs. he played around with her underwear, leaning back down to kiss her.
before he could, she spoke up.
"go on, take them off. you know you want to."
hearing her words, sanemi unabashedly ripped her panties off, throwing them across the room. he dipped down to kiss her, spreading her legs out wide. he unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants, rushing to get his garments off.
he pulled his pants down, palming his erection through his boxers. he ogled at her rather vulnerable figure, grinning to himself.
"you're kinda hot."
"yeah, i know." she replied. "y'gonna fuck me with your eyes or?"
"nah, i'm gonna fuck your brains out."
"i'd sure like to see it."
"oh, you're gonna see it." he began pulling his boxers down, only for her to grasp his wrist. he raised an eyebrow, confused at her actions. "what?"
"can you uhm—... take your shirt off?" she muttered, eyes trailing off elsewhere.
he hummed, unbuttoning his shirt. he let his shirt fall from his shoulders and down on her bed. she stared at his abs and the scars going across his chest. it was so hot. she could barely keep her composure.
"yeah, i know." he repeated her words. "don't cum yet, i haven't even put my dick in you."
she rolled her eyes. "uh-huh, okay."
sanemi pulled his boxers down, his dick springing out and tapping against his abdomen. digging in the pocket of his pants, he pulled out a condom. she watched as he opened it, getting ready to slide it on. she could only grin, giggling at him.
"what's funny?" he asked, grasping his cock in his hands.
"you were planning this, huh? i'm that irresistible?"
his eye twitched. "shut up."
"make me."
sanemi grabbed one of her legs, holding it up so he could align himself with her entrance. he pushed himself in without a second thought, a loud squeal coming from her mouth. she covered her lips with her hands, staring up at him. the two locked eyes, a cocky grin growing on his face. he laughed derisively, sending a light slap to her thigh as he shoved himself in deeper.
"ha! you should see the look on your face right now!"
"s-shut the fuck up!" she said, her voice slurring and a string of expletives coming from her as he began moving his hips back and forth.
he chuckled, mocking the noise she made. feeling her clench around him, he groaned and picked his pace up. she grasped onto the sheets, feeling pure bliss at how deep he was inside of her. he didn't hesitate to touch all over her, grasping onto one of her tits while his other hand was tightly holding onto her thigh.
he bent down, kissing her lips sensually. she moaned into it, her stomach getting butterflies once he forced his tongue in her mouth. their tongues pressed together, mixing their saliva with each other's as he relentlessly thrusted into her.
pulling away, he stared her in her eyes while he began to speak. "y'like me fuckin' this slutty pussy? hm?"
y/n nodded absentmindedly, the feeling of her being pounded against the bed by sanemi much better than she'd ever imagined.
"use your words, bitch."
she choked out a 'yes', her eyes beginning to roll back. his hand suddenly went around her neck, squeezing it tightly, but not enough to hurt her. the feeling of sanemi's rough hand around her throat was turning her on even more.
y/n would have never thought she'd be in a position where sanemi was fucking her brains out.
"s-sanemi," she mumbled.
"what?" he asked, the pace of his thrusts not ceasing.
"rub my clit." she said.
"you really are a dirty slut." he said with a laugh, moving his free hand down so he could find her clit.
once he did, it was like paradise for y/n. he was balls deep inside of her, pounding into her like there was no tomorrow while he choked her, called her names, and added more stimulation by rubbing on her clit.
she was a moaning mess, whining and practically screaming his name and several different curse words.
"it feels good, yeah?" he asked her, slightly panting.
her eyes were squinted shut and her face was a bit scrunched, biting down on her lower lip.
"yeah—!" she nodded quickly.
"you're a whore for me, right?" he circled his fingers faster on her clit, making her whimper loudly.
"mhm~!"
"say it." he tightened his grasp on her neck, making her chest raise.
"fuck, i'm a whore for you! i'm a slutty little whore just for you!"
"that's what i like to hear, bitch." he let out a throaty groan, his adam's apple bobbing when he swallowed. he stared down at her, seeing how vulnerable she was just for him.
she heaved a short, yet rough exhale. "sanemi!"
"what is it?"
"m-make me cum, please." she blurted out.
"mmh? you wanna cum on my dick? is that what you wanna do, bitch?"
"yes!"
"don't worry, i'm gonna make you cum, whore. more than once, too."
"d-do it then."
and so, sanemi was like a monster. he made her bed rock back and forth, creaking as it tapped against the wall with his movements. he'd also successfully made her scream and claw at him for mercy. it was quite a sight for sore eyes, if someone were to ask him.
moving his fingers around her cunt, he gathered some of her wetness on his fingertips and continued rotating them at a face pace. it was then he let go of her neck, holding one of her legs up close to her chest. it was then he'd hit a whole new spot, making y/n's back arch.
"oh, god, sanemi! t-there, right there! m'gonna cum!"
"right here? that's what you want? you want me to fuck you just like this? yeah?" he questioned her with a grin, thrusting into her pussy harder. it'd created a squelching sound, along with the sound of their wet skin clapping together.
she yelled out a curse, sanemi tensing up as she clenched around him. he grunted, slowing his quite animalistic pace and staring down at her. she breathed heavily, covering her eyes with her arm.
"holy shit." she muttered. "that was so—..."
"it felt good, didn't it?" he laughed.
"very."
"i could say the same with you... but we're not done yet." narrowing her eyebrows, she moved her arm away from her eyes and stared at his cock that was still rock hard.
she swallowed thickly, a smile growing on her face. she didn't mind. nodding her head, she spread her legs once more, welcoming him for a second round.
—
y/n's hands rested on sanemi's shoulders as she bounced mindlessly on his dick, her head thrown back to give him space to kiss on her neck. his hands were grasping on her ass and he couldn't help but laugh at how worn out she was.
she was so sensitive, she'd orgasmed several times that she lost count. honestly, she'd probably gotten all of her hate for him fucked away. she let out a drawn out moan, biting her lower lip.
she rolled her hips against his, going so slow so she could calm herself.
"sanemi~." she slurred. "it hurts... i can't take it anymore."
"you can. you can take it." he mumbled against her skin, leaving yet another mark. "i think you just need help."
"then help me, dumbass." she said, stopping her movements.
tightening his grip on her skin, he began bouncing her up and down on top of him more roughly, and she could only whine at how sensitive she was. it hurt so bad, but the pain felt great.
pressing her lips against his, she moved her hand down in between her legs and began rubbing her cunt unrelentingly. they shared a sloppy, yet slow kiss, both of them getting tired and ready to finish things off for the night.
their lips smacked together as sanemi moved his hands off of her, hoping she'd take the lead. curses slipped from her mouth as her eyes were shut closed, eyebrows furrowed in concentration, and beads of sweat fell down her body. their chests would press and stick together as they leaned in closer to each other.
they were unable to resist one another's touch. he hummed, moving her hand away from in between her legs. she opened her eyes, watching as he licked her fingers, soon sucking on them. her eyes widened, her stomach tingling.
"tastes so good." he muttered, tensing up and groaning. "keep riding, baby. i think i'm close."
her heart fluttered at the name, but she nodded and continued moving her hips so slowly, but in a way that felt so good. her moans were like music to his ears, so melodic, and not the mention how good she rode him. he knew that after this, no one could compare to her.
staring at her figure, he saw one hand down on her bed while the other gradually massaged her cunt at the same pace as her riding. her eyes were closed and her lips were pressed together, so concentrated on getting him to reach his climax.
he exhaled, feeling his orgasm creep up on him. he groaned, catching his lip between his teeth. he cursed, feeling his cum spurt into the condom. she smiled, reaching her own with a soft, drawn out whine.
they panted, y/n's hand going on top of his. she leaned her forehead against his, kissing him gently as she slowly inched off of him. he caressed her face, deepening their kiss. it felt so romantic and meaningful.
sanemi sucked on her bottom lip before they pulled away with a smack of their lips, y/n falling onto her bed. she stared at the ceiling, trying to catch her breath. it was then that sanemi sighed, staring up along with her.
"y'know, your dad's gonna fucking murder me?"
"yeah... i know." she mumbled. "good luck."
♡
#writers#anime x reader#anime x y/n#demon slayer#kimetsu no yaiba#kny x reader#demon slayer x reader#sanemi x reader#sanemi shinazugawa#shinazugawa sanemi#sanemi smut#kny sanemi#demon slayer sanemi#giyuu tomioka#rengoku kyojuro#uzui tengen#demon slayer akaza#kimetsu no yaiba douma#tomioka giyu x reader#rengoku kyoujurou x reader#akaza x reader#douma x reader
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Gonna Be Trouble (Jake 'Hangman' Seresin x Fem!Reader) Pt. 8
wc: 3.3k
Warnings: Jake being an idiot, cursing, Gabby and Rooster being adorable,
Series Masterlist
“Gabby I just don’t know what to do,” you sobbed into the phone, “I know he said that stuff to push me away, I know it's not how he really feels, but what kind of person can say that to someone they love? He probably doesn’t even love me…”
“Y/n don’t say that,” Gabby’s comforting voice brought more tears to your eyes, “you know he loves you, we all do, but you gotta remember its Hangman we’re talking about. He doesn’t know how to love someone this much. He’s from Texas, he doesn’t know how to have feelings.”
You laughed, wiping away your tears that had pooled in the crease of your nose, “very fair.”
“I’m so sorry he did this…” Gabby stuttered, “I have no idea why. We talked to him just the same day he called you, like literally hours before, and he told Rooster that he believed in you guys…”
That only made you sob harder, “then which one is it?” You coughed, the emotions overloading you to the point you thought you might throw up.
“Sweetheart oh my god,” Gabby’s heart broke for you, and her blood ran cold thinking of Hangman and how he could hurt you like this, “I don’t think you should be alone right now”
“There’s nothing I can do about that Gabby. It’s a long weekend, I have no friends here who know anything about my personal life, I have no money to go anywhere, I’m stuck,” you ranted to her.
“Alright then I’m flying you down”
“What?” You squeaked, “Gabby you’re not doing that”
“Yeah I am,” she pulled out a computer and started typing, you just stared at her dumbfounded over the phone, “send me your TSA number honey, we’re getting you out of there”
“Gabby,” you ran your hands over your forehead, “a flight to San Diego would be like $400 this last minute, it's ridiculous. I’ll be fine, I’m not-”
“Y/n just hush. You’re my best friend, you need support, and I need to see you. Plus, my husband’s in the military, I get flight discounts, and I have access to his credit card and he’s gonna be away at sea so who’s gonna know”
“You’ve got this deployment thing down don’t you,” you laughed at her
“We’ve only been married a few months but I’ve been with this idiot for years, and not once has he questioned why thousands of dollars leave his bank account every time he goes away. Honestly I don’t think he’s smart enough to remember how much money he had before he left…” She rambled while she booked your flight, “Can you be at the airport at 6 tomorrow? Direct flight to San Diego at 8:30…Roo and I can pick you up?”
“Gabby, I mean this sincerely, I don’t know what I’d do without you,” you smiled at her,
“Suffer…probably,” she giggled, making you laugh too.
“Thank you Gabby, you’re the best”
“I know I am,” she flipped her hair, “anyway I gotta go soak up some Rooster time before he leaves for forever…”
You giggled, “I don’t want to know details…I’ll see you tomorrow, love you!”
“Love you more, go get some sleep, and don’t forget about your flight please!”
You blew her a kiss before hanging up. Luckily, the emotions from Jake’s phone call had drained you for the day, and you fell asleep pretty easily after the talk with Gabby. After all, you had a flight to catch in the morning.
—
“You better give me a big hug right now,” Gabby said as she walked towards you, arms wide open, as you exited the airport and the warm California air hit your face. Your lip quivered at the sight of your best friend, your tired arm threatening to drop your duffel bag as you embraced her and let your tears flow.
“You’re okay sweetie, you’re here now,” Gabby comforted you as she ran her fingers through your hair
“You have no idea how much this means to me,” you sobbed out, “I’m so happy to be here”
“Awww, I know,” she pulled away and grabbed your face, the widest smile across hers.
“Ladies, this is cute and all,” Rooster yelled from the car, “but this is 5 minute parking and this pilot isn’t looking to get banned from the airport anytime soon…”
“Oh calm down pendejo,” Gabby grabbed your bag from you and threw it into the trunk of the car.
Sliding into the back seat of the car, you caught Rooster’s apologetic gaze through the rear view mirror, the sorrow in his eyes nearly making you break down again.
“Still haven’t heard anything from Hangman?” He asked, the bronco slowly moving out of the line of cars waiting to pick up passengers.
“Ay!” Gabby exclaimed, slapping the back of his head.
“What?” Rooster threw a hand up in defense, hunching over the steering wheel to avoid his wife’s swing.
“Why the fuck would you ask that?” Gabby hissed before turning around to face you, “I’m sorry honey, Mexico did a number on his brain apparently,” she joked as she muttered curses in Spanish to herself. Gabby and Rooster had just returned from a short but sweet honeymoon in Mexico, of which you heard many….maybe too many…intimate tales.
“It’s okay,” you sighed, “um I haven’t heard from him.”
Gabby and Rooster shared a knowing glance.
“Not to keep making you guys play middleman but…have you heard anything?”
“Um…” they both said in unison while staring at each other.
“You can tell me, guys, I’m pretty sure I’d rather know than not.”
Rooster sighed before turning to his wife, who then turned back around to face you.
“I wasn’t gonna tell you this cause I didn’t want you to get anxious,”
Too late, you thought to yourself.
“Jake knows you’re here…”
“Oh?” You felt a punch in your gut, the feeling of anxiety creeping into your throat as Gabby watched you process, “does he-”
“It doesn’t matter what he wants,” Gabby placed her hand on your knee, “you’re here to relax, not appease him. We’ll answer any questions you have of course, but I want you to spend this weekend how you want to, no matter what, okay?”
You sighed, questions and concerns filling your mind, “Okay,” you shook your head. Relaxing was probably the last thing you could do right now.
—
“I think I need to see him,” you muttered as Gabby helped you put your toiletries away in the guest bathroom.
Gabby sighed, “okay, whatever you want, but do you really think that’s a good idea?”
“I don’t know, is it? Did he say anything about wanting to see me?” You reclined against the bathroom counter, arms folding across your chest.
“Of course he did, Y/n, he feels like shit for breaking up with you, I know he regrets it. Rooster said his flying’s been off the past couple days, says he’s been extra dangerous, whatever that means.”
“Shit,” you panicked at the thought of him burning in, “yeah I need to talk to him”
“I’ll call him then, let him know to come by?” Gabby asked, waiting for you to decide where you wanted to meet him.
“I think I’ll just walk to his place,” you said mindlessly.
“Babe that's like a mile from here, why would you do that?”
“Give myself time to think of what to say? Time to abort the mission?” You sighed, leaving the bathroom to begin your pilgrimage to Jake’s.
“Alright, well, let me know if you need us to pick you up. I love you!”
“Love you too, wish me luck,” you yelled from the stairwell before departing.
—
Hovering your fist over Jake’s door, reality finally hit and anxiety flooded your body as you contemplated what the hell you were doing at Jake’s door three days before he deployed.
“Y/n what the fuck?” You whispered, fist returning to your side as you promptly marched down his driveway, praying he hadn’t noticed you there.
He had.
“Y/n?” A groggy voice muttered from behind you, the Texan drawl of the man you loved barely identifiable over your own whispers. Stopping dead in your tracks, the anxiety bubbled up once again and this time threatened tears from your eyes. With a deep breath you turned around to see him.
Jake stood shirtless in his doorway, grey sweatpants clinging to his hips, his hair spiked and disheveled. The home behind him was dark, no blinds open to let in the midday sun of San Diego, and likely no ventilation for the better part of the last couple days. His eyes blinked rapidly as he adjusted to the light, the hand not clasping the doorknob shielding his green orbs as he trailed up your figure.
“Hey,” you croaked, tears beginning to slowly track your cheekbones. You didn’t move at all, you stood static on his driveway, arms crossed in front of you in a shallow attempt to comfort yourself.
“Come in baby,” he said groggily, breaking your heart to hear him call you such a loving nickname in such a tender way. The tears grew more frequent as you shook your head and walked towards him, arms still crossed until you reached the doorway and stood mere inches from him.
He was impossible to read, but the one emotion you could identify was sympathy. Even Hangman, the hard-to-crack fighter pilot with confirmed kills, couldn’t stand to watch the woman who owned his heart stand in front of him shaking with sadness that he caused. You reached up to wipe away your tears, closing your eyes briefly, and just then you felt his strong arms around you. Jake pulled you close, nuzzling his face into your neck and stroking your back with his strong hands.
“I’m so sorry, Y/n, I’m so sorry baby,” he whispered into your hair. You cried harder, eliciting a grunt and sigh from him as the consequences of his actions finally caught up with his emotions.
“The things I said to you were-” he lifted up his head and stared upwards, searching for words, you remained nestled into his chest as you cried, “they were appalling. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything after Rooster told me you were here, I should have tried to see you. I just didn’t know what you’d want…”
“Jake-” you cut him off, peeling yourself off his bare chest to gaze into his eyes which were now also brimming with tears, “we need to talk about this stuff”
He nodded. You needed answers, he needed reassurance, talking was the only thing you could do. He let go of you and welcomed you into the house. Just as you had expected, he hadn’t opened a single window in the whole home, the air stagnant and dark, and the smell of dirty dishes beginning to creep through the building. You walked over to his couch, sitting down on the warm fabric that had obviously been the host of his body for the past couple days. He sat next to you, knees barely grazing yours as you sat in silence for a brief moment.
“Jake, do you remember what you told me on the beach at the beginning of the summer?”
“That I loved you?”
The past tense stung.“No, the part about you burning in, about what Phoenix was saying about you being safer…”
“Oh,” he glanced downwards, “yeah I do”
“Jake, you told me that you were flying safe because you were scared of losing me, that you were scared you’d miss out on our life, on our memories. You told me you wanted to see where we end up, and that our love motivated you to be a better pilot,” you fiddled with his fingers as you spoke, “and Rooster told me you haven’t been flying safe lately,” your throat choking up the more you thought of him being careless, “and I just don’t get why,” you finally sobbed.
The sound of your voice breaking finally brought Jake’s attention to you, concern and pity filling his eyes as he watched you struggle to explain yourself.
“I don’t get why you push me away. I don’t get why you tell me one thing and then do another. I don’t get why you put yourself in danger for no reason, why you put your career and your life on the line….to what? To prove some point?” Tears pooled on your cheeks while your eyes searched the room for some semblance of comfort. “The things you said when you broke up with me hurt, they hurt me to my core, but the thought of you throwing your life away out of spite hurts even more.”
Jake was speechless, his green eyes glassy under scrunched eyebrows as he finally felt the pain you had been enduring because of him.
“The life I want is the life I share with you. And I went into this relationship knowing distance and deployment and all that shit would be a factor. You did too. I’m prepared to go through anything for you…because I want those memories, Jake. I want to hold you and kiss you and dream of you while you’re gone. I want to move into your stupidly undecorated house on base when I graduate and be here for you every night when you come home,” you gestured to his bare walls, eliciting a small chuckle and nod from the hard-to-crack military man who had tears dropping from his eyes.
“God Jake the love I feel for you is endless. I gave you my heart, I gave you myself, don’t give those things back to me.” You stopped talking, the emotions overwhelming you to the point where you removed your hand from his and tucked your knees up in front of you, bundling yourself into a ball while Jake processed everything you said.
“I think…” he began, his eyes searching every part of the room except where you were, “I think we should take some time to think about all this,” he slowed down as he said the last few words.
Your tears dried up, shock overtaking the sadness. You didn’t expect this, you didn’t expect him to mean the things he said, to mean that he didn’t want to be with you.
“So you meant it?” You questioned, eyes finally meeting his.
“What?” He asked quietly
“You meant the things you said. The things about us? About me?”
“No, Y/n. I’m sorry for the things I said to you. They were hurtful and wrong and downright disrespectful. You’re a sweetheart and I’m sorry. I just mean I don’t think it's smart for us to jump into things right now, not with my deployment and your school.”
“What are you saying,” you cut him off.
“I think maybe we should just wait to date or something, til I’m back…”
“Jake,” your voice cracked, “I can’t do that,” you sobbed.
“You don’t think it's a good idea?” He asked earnestly.
“I’m gonna be waiting for you either way. I’d rather be waiting as your girlfriend than just some girl who's heartbroken and doesn’t even know if the man she loves loves her back.”
“You’re not some girl, Y/n, you’re my girl,” he rubbed your arm.
Shrugging him off as the confusion overwhelmed you, “no I’m not Jake. You broke up with me, you told me we should wait. Those don’t exactly go hand in hand with being ‘your girl,” you stood up to leave, he stared at you bewildered, “I’m leaving. You need to make up your mind, I’m tired of being confused about how you feel about me.”
You walked through the dark house to his door, opening it and letting the harsh California light hit the living room where he still sat on the couch, eyes never leaving your frame.
“Good luck on your deployment, Jake,” and with that you took one last look at him and left the house, closing the door behind him. As you walked away, you held out for the possibility that he would open the door and come running out with an apology. But he didn’t. You walked the whole way back to Gabby’s without a word…without an ounce of clarity…just confusion like you had never felt before.
—
The remainder of the weekend went by without a word from Jake. Occasional glances from Rooster after he got a text or got off the phone let you know that, per usual, you were the only person out of the loop when it came to your relationship issues. Nevertheless, going through this breakup without Gabby would have been impossible, and her support meant the world to you.
Monday came around and it was time for the pilots to leave. The debate of whether or not to go had lived in the back of your mind for the better part of the weekend, eating away at you when you tried to close your eyes. Ultimately, after lots and lots of thinking, you had decided not to go for multiple reasons. For one, it gave Gabby and Rooster time alone during a special moment…and it also gave you the upper hand over Hangman. Despite what he told you, you knew Jake, and you knew he’d expect you to be there to wave him off.
“You sure you don’t want to come, honey?” Rooster asked you as he walked by the couch where you reclined in their living room, dressed in his flight suit.
“Yeah I’m sure,” you sighed, sitting up to face him. “I know he’s gonna expect me to be there. And I want to be there for him…but I can’t let myself keep getting hurt. I can’t let him know that he can keep hurting me and I’ll come crawling back…”
“You know, as much as I love Jake, and as long as I’ve known him,” Rooster began, “I think you’re doing the right thing. You’re showing him you’re prioritizing yourself, which is important. He’s an asshole, he needs to be put in his place.”
“He is an asshole isn’t he,” you and Rooster laughed together.
“Alright honey,” Rooster ruffled your hair, the nickname he always called you by making you smile, “I’m outta here. I’ll keep my lips sealed to Jake for a bit, but you know how to reach me if you want me to tell him anything, okay?”
He grabbed his bags, “or if you just want to chat, I’d like that too.”
“Bradley!” Gabby’s piercing voice ran out from upstairs, “we’re gonna be late if you don’t hurry the fuck up!”
“Down here, baby!” He yelled back.
Gabby came running downstairs, “You’re ready before me?” She asked out of breath.
“Yeah?” Rooster said sassily, “why are you so shocked by that?”
You giggled at the couple, making Gabby sneer at you.
“Don’t you dare laugh with him,” she pointed at you, making you and Rooster laugh harder. She sighed before walking down and embracing her husband.
“You can’t wear this flight suit in the home, Brashdaw, otherwise you’ll be late to everything…” she flirted before kissing him, his hands gripping her hips.
“I love you, Gabby,” he kissed her again.
“Y'all are gonna make me throw up, go get on a boat or something Roo,” you pretended to gag as you got up from the couch.
“Bye Y/n,” Rooster said, letting go of Gabby briefly to give you a hug and kiss on the forehead, “don’t be a stranger”
“Back at ya.” you gave him a smile, “don’t like die or anything….Gabby would kill you”
Your friend laughed, giving you a brief nudge before opening the front door for Rooster. She shot you a quick wink before closing the door behind her, the sound of the bronco starting not long after.
And with that, you sat back down on the couch, left with your own thoughts and the slightest feeling of regret and worry beginning…what if you never got to say goodbye?
--
Taglist: @dempy @shanimallina87 @luckyladycreator2 @mightiestheroes @taytaylala12 @djs8891 @clancycucumber230
#jake 'hangman' seresin x reader#jake seresin#jake seresin x reader#top gun fic#top gun hangman#top gun#top gun maverick#hangman x reader
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Hi as also a. Film student. I have been thinking about ways in which Mean Girls 2024 uses like, the medium of Film TM in creative ways to tell the story like. None of it is new per se but I need people to stop calling it a soul-less remake, it’s in many ways a cash-grab, sure, but I don’t think it was thoughtlessly made!!! (This brought to you by I realized the aspect ratio changes every time Regina sings and that’s like, very basic but it’s also a very Conscious Stylistic Choice and it got me thinking about other things the movie does that other movies of that style don’t usually bother with) I think basketball Regina is an example of this. Btw (sorry if this is annoying jskfgk didn’t mean to go on a rant)
no honestly you’re so right I think the movie is better shot than a lot of people give it credit for. The shit I’m about to say is about to sound so disjointed bc I’m near passing out but ok . honestly I think part of that comes from it not being a Hollywood Math Department millions of dollars blockbuster. It doesn’t have that flat CGI lighting look that a lot of current movies have bc they had to rely on real lighting for the film , shit like that. There are very clear Strong Style Choices made in the movie! Which feels like a bare minimum but then you see what a REAL soulless movie looks like these days and you’re like OH.
The fun the movie had with aspect ratio changes was great, and overall I think the entire world burn sequence is legitimately extremely well shot and constructed and it’s clear they were fucking stoked to film it which just makes me delighted to watch it
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Random TF2 Headcanons:
-Scout reads comics 24/7, and he will often share his comics with Pyro
-Sniper and Heavy both love hunting and will often go on hunting trips together. Because of this, Sniper has taught Heavy how to use a sniper rifle.
-Heavy is usually seen as stoic and stuff but this is not true. At first, he comes off as quiet and intimidating, but once you get to know him he can be just as expressive and talkative as anybody else.
-Even if he has a quite limited vocabulary and a straightforward way of talking.
-Heavy cares for his team very, VERY deeply and would probably kill everyone in the room and then himself if anything happened to any of them.
-Similar to Heavy, Spy also cares for his team a LOT even if he has trouble showing it.
-In fact, they’re all idiots who would die for each other.
-Everyone on the team sorta acts like a dad to Scout, even Pyro in some ways.
-Zhanna has painted Soldier’s nails before.
-Sniper knows a lot about animals, so he will often go on rants about them to the team.
-The first time that he did it he got really embarrassed and tried to apologize, but the team quickly assured him that it was fine.
-They told him that they actually WANTED to hear what they had to say.
-Sniper tried to keep talking, but he ended up breaking down in tears.
-He’s not used to people actually wanting to hear what they have to say, so when someone shows genuine interest in their hobbies they really didn’t know how to react.
-Scout has accidentally called Spy “dad” once, but Spy never teases him for it.
-In fact, that incident is one of Spy’s most treasured memories.
-Pyro’s favorite game is Candy Land, and everyone has played it with them at some point.
-They’re also really good at Sorry, Uno, and Chess and will always beat anyone who they play against.
-Spy is really good at shuffling cards, and at one point he was a bit kleptomaniac.
-He’s pretty good at controlling it nowadays, but every time that he backstabs anyone he will always go out of his way to pickpocket them.
-He also has a history of stealing pens or any coins/dollar bills left out.
-And every once in a while he will be caught with something random that he swiped unconsciously, specifically shiny things.
-Luckily, it’s always something insignificant like a mini wrench from Engie’s workshop or a baseball card from Scout’s room.
-They always give it back though and ashamedly mutter an apology.
-They always beat themselves up whenever this happens, although they don’t tell anyone else how they feel. It’s pretty obvious though, but nobody points it out.
-Pyro and Spy get along surprisingly well because Pyro’s happy to listen to Spy’s stories and always has a light on him.
-Speaking of that, every once in a while Spy will tell a story to the team.
-They’re always pretty interesting and a bit crazy, but some of them are overexaggerated or fake though.
-Spy and Medic are both really good at lockpicking.
-Demoman has the most steady hands to ever exist. It’s something that you get when making bombs for a living.
-Every once in a while he will even lend a hand to Medic in surgeries.
-He also mostly gets around the world based on touch and sound, due to his poor eyesight.
-Engie is actually surprisingly strong because he has to lug around a toolbox with a bunch of metal in it all of the time.
-Spy actually knows a bit about mechanics, because he was the one who made his sapper and invisibility watch.
(Hello I am back after my unfortunate death. I was.. busy to put it simply.)
#tf2#tf2 spy#tf2 scout#tf2 sniper#tf2 soldier#tf2 demo#tf2 demoman#tf2 engie#tf2 engineer#tf2 medic#tf2 heavy#tf2 pyro#tf2 hc#tf2 headcanons
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I’m feeling a little spicy this morning so I’m sorry if I say something wrong, but this shit is really eating me. And it’s part of the reason why I don’t mess with Twitter anymore. So of course, the Grammys were last night and everybody’s talking about it. I don’t really watch awards shows like that but from what I could tell, Beyoncé got nominated and didn’t win, loss to harry styles??? idk nor do I care. Everybody’s all on the timeline, ranting about how it’s an injustice and it’s wrong and this that and the third, right? Which, fair enough, they fuck my sis over every year. They nominate her for views and give it to some subpar nobody who probably didn’t do half her sales. That’s cool or whatever but I can’t help but be over the entire conversation. And this is no shade to Bey bc I love her and I loved Renaissance. With that being said, I couldn’t give a fuck less about these celebrities’ problems when our world is falling apart. I can’t give a fuck if she got 32 Grammies instead of 33 when people can’t even afford to pay rent this month or even buy a fucking carton of eggs. I know this comes off as “fake woke” and fuck it, so be it. But I can’t understand how people are so complicit with our country’s conditions and simultaneously putting these celebs and trivial problems up on a pedestal. Now just two days ago, people were badgering Netflix about the whole password sharing thing and they got them to change it, last night, people were tweeting the Grammys like they had killed their grandmas, cussing them out on behalf of a woman who doesn’t even know they exist. I mean, full on doing the most. And ykw, it is bullshit. But ykw else is bullshit? The fact that billions of dollars went to another country without any semblance of explanation, food shortages everywhere, income having to be three times your rent and not a single job is actually hiring, not to mention the fact that people are getting pennies back in income tax despite paying higher rates this year and the police being funded $1.8 billion and their only skill is killing unarmed black people..no one is getting angry enough about it! Just making memes and moving the fuck on. But god forbid an already accomplished woman loses an award and y’all wanna burn the world down. It’s really frustrating bc imagine if we filtered that outage towards our leaders and made them get off their asses. We might actually get somewhere but your only concern is if you can afford $1500 concert tickets? Be so undeniably fucking for real. I’m not trying to tell anybody how to feel and ik thinking about this stuff too much can become depressing so it’s best not to dwell on it but I just can’t see why if folks can bully a multi billion dollar corporation out of their policy then why can’t we demand a better way of living? I’m just sick of this trivial nonsense being on the forefront of everyone’s minds when we’re literally in hell. Idk man, I think I need to stay off of Twitter for a minute bc that just aggravated me.
#cherry chats 🍒#cherry rambles#venting again#and this is no dig at bey herself#this is just a general statement about how we’re so consumed with celeb culture and shit that doesn’t matter when we’re in hell#anyways back to my fictional fantasies before I end up pissed off all day
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Stupid stupid rant about my friend
TLDR: Friends are disappointing! I should just isolate myself and focus on ⭐ving instead!!!
honestly kind of fucking hate my friend right now. he gets pissed off over the smallest fucking shif and he never fucking says anything. he like hates communication. its gotten to a point where i dont want to play games with him and our other friends because he just gets annoyed and yells at us. i always feel like im doing something wrong! im so uncomfortable all the time! and then they get confused and upset when i dont feel like playing again. buddy, how can i fucking enjoy anything when youre making me feel uncomfortable at best the whole time????
he reminds me of my ex so much its awful. i cant stand him sometimes. if you dont respond the right way or at all hes say some shit like "i should just die" or "you guys hate me" and i just! hate it! and he refuses to communicate ANYTHING. hed rather give you the silent treatment IN THE FUCKING VOICE CHAT. you ask him a question qnd youll have to keep repeating it for like ten minutes before hell answer because he got mildly upset. he got snippy with us because we didnt have the game open the moment he joined the call. he got fucking mad at us for mentioning school while were on break. like???? im fucking sorry that we briefly mentioned something thats been a part of our daily lives for the last like 12 years? and we barely even actually talked about school. i just got upset that ill have to sit with the annoying kids in my first period, and our other friend said that her voicemail was full of colleges doing college shit. not only that, its just really fucking dumb that hes upset over talking about school during break. its literally fucking ending, you cant not think about it. and does he think that hes the only one stressed over school?? one friend doesnt even have freetime during the week a majority of the time because shes doing so much school shit. i almost committed in freshman year! and even now, i need hours after school every day to decompress because im so fucking overstimulated and overwhelmed all day! and the third other person is taking FIVE AP CLASSES. their ass is swamped with work too!!! meanwhile, he can get home and have the time and energy to draw and play video games and record and edit videos all in the same day. if snything he doesn't get to say anything about not wanting to think about school while relaxing bc hes the most relaxed!
i asked him why he didnt tell us smtg would upsst him before we did it and he just responded with "i assumed you guys were cool." ok.
i mentioned that i had stolen sone of my parents alc while i was doing online school. yknow that period of time where i was struggling with dissociation and thoughts of committing? and nobody was fucking talking to me? he said that made me a bad person.
our friend has a girlfriend and naturally they spend a lot of time together. he gets upset seeing that theyre playing the same game or knowing that theyre hanging out without us. i dobt mind, i just wished shed let us know that she had plans rather than leaving out of nowhere. but he genuinely like despises her for spending time with her significant other.
ive stopped making plans with him because he kept flaking. he was always so indecisive and he would cancel plans the night before so often. sometimes even the MORNING OF. he would want to save money even if he wouldve spent a total of 10 dollars, or hed be too tired bc he refused to stop playing games the night before. i always go to bed earlier if im doing something the next day. i dont know why im not worth the same energy. honestly im not sure he actually likes hanging out with me, im just the only one willing to do the same things as him. the only plans that worked out were things he was absolutely going to do regardless of anyone going with him.
i dont wven know how to breach the subject with him because, again, hes so much like my ex. i know that if i make him feel bad, hell either get defensive or just freak out and cry about it. i listened to my ex say id be better off if he was gone in response to me venting way too many times to want to express my feelings about people ever again.
and it really sucks bc other times hes really nice and fun to be around. i just wonder if he dies actually like me at all. i feel like he sees me as less than sometimes.
idk i stopped being mad and got sad.
but i mean hes implied it before. he wants more friends to play cod and fortnite with and go to the park at night with. he never asks me to do thise things. im willing to play fortnite. i want to play cod. i want to do literally anything at night especially go to the park. he especially wanted more guy friends to do things with.
hed be happier being friends with the kids at school who hate me
idk. this is dumb. its 3am.
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I do not and will never care for tkkrs but I care for jkkrs and seeing us divided saddens me.
I feel like people do not understand that hybe already had plans on how to destroy BTS as the pioneers of kpop in the west and Jimin success posed as a threats to that plan.
The plan is the classic make a male pop star off a male band undergoing hiatus, therefore they already have a large fandom to back their solo work a great example will be Justin Timberlake. And I believe pdnim (who already sold his soul to hybe) suggested that Jungkook will be the Justin Timberlake of BTS.
Jungkook is the youngest member, has the great amount of lines and screen time on BTS songs (especially in Dynamite and that the biggest BTS song in the west) and he performed in the opening ceremony of the World Cup, all that combine makes him undoubtedly the most marketable one.
So hybe always knew the one that will break every BTS achievement in the west and even go beyond what BTS did will be Jungkook. And it shown by the fact that he got to work with pdnim and Scooter Braun directly. Jungkook is a great asset to hybe "the next JB" therefore they get to choose the song and he sings and becomes the star whilst they gain. We living in a woke world and Asian Justin Bieber has a nice ring to it and of course money hungry people like Scooter Braun will immediately jump on it. Thus they will do all to be ontop. And Jimin was fucking that up for them.
Jimin fucked it for them big time. He got all those amazing accolades because of ARMY and no company help whatsoever. So hybe definitely took it upon themselves to destroy him becuase his not who they envisioned to top BTS thus:
1)The deletion of sales in the hanteo charts.
2) The splitting of the like crazy streams immediately after it got to number 1 on global Spotify.
3)The lack and short period of promotion.
4)The lack of radio play.
5)The free-fall.
I will always be a strong believer that all that happened becuase of hybe itself and I will stick with that. Spotify said it themselves that streams are combined and seperated by the company's instruction. Hybe was the Thanos to all of Jimins falls (if you don't understand the reference 😅 I mean Hybe ruled all of Jimins sabotages.)
Over promoting Jungkook also doesn't play as advantage for Taehyung becuase I can bet a billion dollars they won't do all this for Tae therefore it just plain evil making him debut after Jungkook.
So if you hurt by the sabotages that happened to Jimin and decide you won't support Jungkook... You don't love Jimin nor do you love Jikook. They will always support and love each other.
So it really pains me that jkkrs are ganging up on Jungkook instead of hating on hybe. I really hope Jungkook actually gets to have a personal album whereby he gets to have creative input and hybe don't dictate all he gets to sing about.
I hate what hybe did to Jimin and I am scared on what hybe has in store for Jungkook.
Sorry for the long rant 🤭
My head hurts
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Ok I'm sorry to like the 1 person reading this at the moment but-
Why do people think being the favorite and golden child is a good thing?
Because I'm sorry but its the worst thing ever.
Ok I'm sorry I not trying to sound rude or inconsiderate or selfish but it's really bad and I just need to rant my heart out.
Also my situation is a little different because I got really old parents(I'm talking in their 50s).
Ok so let's start with being the "favorite child". Also I'm sorry to all the people who had to deal with worst favoritism and being the unloved child. Ok so I know being the favorite sounds amazing on surface value but it's not. I'm the youngest and you probably expect me to be a spoiled brat who gets everything and narcissistic because I'm the "favorite". But that's far from the truth. I don't get everything I want, I have extremely low self esteem and I'm not a spoiled brat. I honestly used to this that all the stereo types about favored and gifted children were true but now I realize that for me and some others it's not. I used to beat myself up for these things and tbh I still do even though I've come to terms with the fact that there not true.
This is probably due to my siblings. I have two older sisters, both of which are in high school. Because my parents favor me more I have a strained relationship with them(if you can even call it that). There both incredibly bitchy to me and shit. There rude and they criticize my every more. They beat me down whenever they get a chance, even if I'm already at rock bottom. This is probably because they think they have to make me suffer because of our parents. Which isn't fair at all. I can’t even talk to them about my feelings because they'll use it against me or they just call me sensitive and won't give two fucks. They talk to eachother about there feelings and experiences all the time and just disclude me. They also talk about me behind my back and even to our parents. At first when I was younger I thought it was just them joking around with me but I realized when I got older that it wasn't. However my parents "favor" isn't even really big. Our parents still buy then what they want despite saying they wouldn’t. So they beg and get a lot of things but the moment I ask for a book or something there mad at me and calling me a spoiled brat. Which leads me to my next point.
Being the golden/gifted child
If I had a dollar for everytime I had a mental breakdown because of my grades I'd be a million air.
So I have something called academic validation. Meaning that my self worth is solely dependent on my grades. I was always a nerd but this is just to much. My oldest sister used to be in the same role but the pressure was lighter. So when she got into high school she said fuck school and started skipping classes and shit. This was bad but it didn't help that my brother who is 21 now did the same thing but worse. It started with my brother so our parents started to put pressure on my oldest sister and me, the youngest. They said the the middle child grades were fine even though they were lower the both of ours. We were always straight A students but then my sister decided she didn't care anymore that left all the pressure on me. I was only in 5th grade at the time so it was a lot on me. When I talked to my sister about it all she said was "don't care, deal with it". And so I did.
All my middle school years was just academics. I went to a Ib league school so the work was harder than your average American school. I sill managed to keep all A's but I wasn't happy at all. I never got anything for my academics anyway. My parents just brushed it off and said, "Your smart you should get these grades anyway. We shouldn't have to be expected to give you something." All I asked for was a good job or something like that. That night I broke down completely. Then I finally realized that no matter what I do ill never be good enough for anybody. I had no good traits about me. I hear no talent, I wasn't pretty, and I wasn't really a fun person to be around. I over thought everything I did so whenever we played games I couldn't deal with the pressure. Once one of my friends told me "your the only person who I know can make the game hangman unfun." It was supposed to be a joke and we laughed it off but that made me want to cry. That day i realized from another friend that we kinda grew up to fast. Looking at it now I didn’t really have a child hood. I was always fored to play catch up with my older siblings. I always had to be on par with them to even be looked at as a human being.
I was always the one people looked for help to with was good(I love helping people) but it kinda became overwhelming. I kinda just hide it with jokes about myself. I'm the therapist friend but yet I can't tell people my feelings. I can’t talk to my parents, my sisters, my friends, and I don't have a lover. They'll either just brush it off or not care at all. It hurts a lot. This leads me to often be confined and left alone with my emotions.
Which leads to me today. The me currently writing this long ass Ted talk. I have terrible anxiety and zero self worth and I feel the need to be validated with my grades and by the people around me. But even with all this I still feel empty. Like it's just hard. I turn to books and history to try and distract me but that can only take you so far. Also I find myself comparing myself to my friends because my parents always compared me to my siblings. I feel the emine pressure to fit into the mold my teachers, friends, and parents think I am and want. I work as hard as I can but it feels like I always come short.
I apologize sincerely if this comes off as selfish or narcissistic.
I wanna try and over come this and gain confidence in myself but it seems impossible. I'm still only in the 8th grade so maybe it'll finally dawn on me. It's just wherever I try to reach out for help I feel so selfish and entitled. It's like a voice in the back of your mind telling you "People deal with so much worse than this and you have the audacity to cry at these things? You shouldn't feel this way just suck it up. Your just weak, nothings wrong with you."
Thank you for listening to my rant, I apologize for wasting your time.
#i made this instead of sleeping#small rant#long reads#unpopular take#im so tired#im sorry#academic validation#i probably need therapy#gifted kid problems#gifted kid burnout
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US senate UFO hearings, July 2023
The US Senate UAP/UFO hearings featuring 'whistleblower' David Gursh-whatsisname this morning kinda made me wanna paint my own original digital drawing, commenting how the hearings themselves hurt my brain cells.
…But unfortunately I have shirts to design for friends (read: more important things to do) so I'm settling for some quick n' dirty meme image macros.
To quote one of the replies under one of the article shares on Twitter/Threads/Mastodon:
I'm surprised the Flat-Earth Hearing didn't immediately follow this one.
———
I mean like, if you've got new concrete evidence and some actually valid new avenues of investigation then sure, present them and please make your case.
But if you're just going to rehash decades old theories and claim 2nd-hand witness from unwilling sources then the burden of proof is on you. (And the burden of proof, as far as I'm concerned in this particular moment in time, has not been satisfied.)
———
An explainer roundup-article I personally trust from The Guardian:
Grusch has not seen the alien craft himself, but said in an interview with the Debrief that his claims are based on “extensive interviews with high-level intelligence officials”.
———
Instead of "chaos grifters" I had thought of instead labeling that second one "cryptofascists". But I didn't go that route because I'm thinking the crypto/blockchain/NFT/generative art crowd would take away the wrong message, and it would lead to unnecessary & distracting debate.
When I say "cryptofascists" I'm thinking of all the cryptically dogpiling culture-war grifters like Milos Yiannopoulos, Alex Jones, Steve Bannon, whomever Q really was, all the trolls at 4chan/b/ and 4chan/pol, and all those who spout cryptic messages for the purpose of gaslighting society into believing that everything is meaningless and there is no truth. Cryptofascism is a societally toxic international ideology and I firmly stand against it.
Cryptofascism includes those who peddle flat-earth, climate change denial, anti-vaxx, protocols of the elders of zion and all such similar brain-melting conspiracy theories for the purposes of sowing chaos or just for t3h lulz.
Many of them, if not all of them, driven by personal vendetta for a world that they feel have "wronged" them or "cheated" them.
Their fuel is attention & "engagement", many of them grifting from supplement-pill hustles and oils and such to swindle billions of dollars from the depressed and lonely. I curse every keyboard & screen these cryptofasicsts touch.
[/rant]
Sorry for that firebrand just now I got myself a bit too worked up thinking about all this. 🙏🙏🙏
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why did your parents homeschool you when they didn't seem to have an interest in teaching you?
Sorry but this ask has me in hysterics cause like,,, I DUNNO, ANON WHY DID THEY????
Ok but fr, from what I can tell it was a mixture of not trusting public education, wanting direct control over what we learned, being bad at teaching kids, and then just kind of getting too busy and giving up. Like our mom did teach us how to read, right? But she kinda got … i dunno, bored?? tired?? Near the end?? So my youngest sister really got screwed in that department and needed tutoring.
I have a lot of memories though where we’d go somewhere like my brothers baseball game and she’d pull out different work books for each of us while starting on a reading lesson with another one of us. So, like, she DID try. I have way too many painful memories of frustrating homework to say that she didn’t try to teach us anything hah. she just didnt teach us very thoroughly, especially about things she assumed we'd just pick up eventually (like time, dates, and months)
Also, my dad is a philosophy professor with multiple degrees who heavily values the education of his children. But I don’t think he’s good at teaching kids, and he didn’t even live with us most of the time. So while he supported the whole thing and would administer science tests (AKA have me read a science text book and then take a test on the chapters I read) he wasn't super involved, from what I can recall.
Wanna know the funniest part tho? Home schooled kids tend to test higher than publicly educated kids. And despite the gaps in our general knowledge and downright educational neglect at times, that’s still the case for me & my siblings.
My brother got insane math scores, I’m talking better than 90% of his peers. And I always scored particularly high in English. my worst subject was math but i never failed anything. i had a breakdown when i got a B in my first ever semester of high school, because to me that was basically failing since my mom said it isn't that hard to get A's :/
my oldest sister has a theory that we're all autistic because we all kinda act like it, haha. which might explain why we didnt realize, cause if all of our siblings are autistic then its just normal to us.
but ALSO: we all have at least one thing we're insanely good at. my oldest brother was fantastic at math (before he self sabotaged but idc about him so whatever). my oldest sister is a wonderful writer and has a fantastic rate of success when she sends out her writing to be published, my other older sister is incredibly smart with math & science and is trying to become a doctor (she also makes all her own clothing and is really good at crafting). i got accepted to every art college i applied to, with scholarships & everything. my younger brother is one of the top football recruits of his year in our entire state. and my littlest sisters skill set is harder to describe, but the gist of it is that she's really good at manipulating people and lying. not sure where she's going with that but she's probably gotten hundreds of dollars of free stuff from people and she enjoys acting. excited to see where she goes cause i genuinely think she could do anything she wants to haha.
ok but now im just ranting about how cool my siblings are. THE POINT IS THIS- as much as I was neglected educationally, I think my parents accidentally did something right: I think they accidentally unschooled us, because our education was NOT as strict as some of the other home schooled kids I met.
my theory is that the neglect/accidental un-schooling kind of led to gaps in knowledge around things i didn't NEED to know to live day to day life (I didn't NEED to know the months or days until I went to public school. before that, I'd just ask mom what day it was, or else just go along with whatever she said we were doing that day)
BUT on the flip side! It also led to me and my siblings basically developing highly practiced skill sets based on our personal interests. and also kept our desire to learn relatively in tact, compared to kids who had the curiosity to learn beaten out of them in middle school with mind numbing homework hahafsdfadf.
OK SO I've clearly gotten away from your original question, anon, apologies but this sparked something in me and i HAD to ramble about my theories.
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✩ — Realize.
synopsis — Ever since you were buried, Mark would go talk to your tombstone every day, till it dies down to your birthday, anniversaries, and holidays.
notes — this is a pt 2 of the first fanfic I made (that I actually posted…) but, hoping you’d enjoy this monstrosity of a comforting but a little angsty fanfic:)
part 1 — https://www.tumblr.com/lousieee/737588964323721216/christmas-without-you?source=share
word count — 870
“I’m sorry love, I really tried.”
“I wanted to be better for you, I’m even sorry I had this illness, [ Name ], I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that, I didn’t want to visit the funeral. I didn’t want to hurt your family as bad as I hurt you. It has been a few weeks since I haven’t seen you, and dear, I had a few episodes so I decided not to go outside ever since then because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I’d kill once again to have you here, taking care of me, loving me like you used to. Anyways love, I’m a few weeks clean from smoking! Can you believe that? Cool right? You couldn’t believe it right? Back then, you used to nag me about smoking, not knowing it really changed the way I acted. I'm sorry for how I acted back then when you tried to stop me, I was too addicted to it. It hurted you more than it hurted me. I really wish that we could talk and I’d tell you all the other thoughts that I had after I had hurt you. Like, when I slapped you really hard because you were worried that I’d be hurt if I went outside, alone to smoke. You were in tears, but I never liked seeing you cry.”
“Hey again love, I made another milestone today, I’m one year clean, woohoo.. But that’s also almost one year without you. I miss you. Alot. I’m sorry I haven't been visiting you lately, I’m rarely available for anything since I have found a job. I'm working as a corporate slave, even if it doesn’t pay as much as I used to earn. Anyways, how are you up there? Does heaven treat you better than the way I did? Are you doing alright? I really wanna know how you’re doing.. Please come back. I wanna see you again. I don’t wanna talk to a tombstone anymore, please come back to me… But, my illness has gotten better, and there is a possibility for my illness to heal. Y’know I should have listened to ya, I drink my meds often now just like how you used to tell me to drink it yet, my stubborn self declines it.. I hope you’re proud of me. I love you, happy birthday.”
u“Hi again, lovey. Happy anniversary to us! Can’t bear not seeing you for another day again, well love… I got promoted to a higher position in the company I work for. I now earn 6 digits in dollars and my illness is getting better day by day and yet, I still ean’t forget you. Come back to me love. My door’s always open, I miss you. I’m currently having trouble sleeping, if only you could sing me a lullaby, I’d sleep like a baby… Haha… If only I could find a way for you to be with me, I’d immediately do so, I’d do all I can just to be with you and feel your touch. I want to lay down in bed with you as we stare into the night sky, whispering sweet nothings into our ears as we both fall asleep in each other’s touch. As your eyes, so mesmerizing fall into mine, touch that’s ever so smoothing, makes me wonder… Why I ever did that to you. Why did I ever say those things if I knew it hurt you, mad intentions, I’ve always thought that, what if I never hurt you? What would we be if I never said or did these things. [ Name ], it wasn’t you, baby it was me. Our relationship wasn’t as good as I expected and interpreted it to be, it’s all my fault. I know you just wanted something to be sought, because lovey, just come back… I want to see you again. I’d even kill myself just to be with you.”
“Merry Christmas in heaven, lovey. How are you up there? It’s officially your first death anniversary, yay, but not really. I don’t feel like ranting about anything today love, I feel uneasy all of the time. I couldn’t understand why I get this feeling, but I feel less productive doing anything and it’s affecting me. I feel as if I need more help, the medications feel like nothing.. Love, please come back, you know I miss you so bad… I love you so much.. I’ll be there soon, I just know.”
He was never healthy. You always knew.
He loved you, you always knew.
He forced himself to stay strong for you, but you… Didn’t know.
— January 1, 12:15 am
He comitted suicide, having high hopes that you will be together.
Though he did it with hope, he was never certain... Would you two still be together in the afterlife..?
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Kurona Ranze isn't much taller, around 5’3. She has a bob and bangs that she cuts herself and two long strands on each side of her face that she ties into braids when she's bored of whatever you're saying. She has shark teeth and braces with blue rubber bands to fix her overbite. She has a collection of cat and slogan t-shirts and fun colored thigh high socks that get covered up by the same dark blue shark sweatshirt and pair of brown boots every day. She carries around the same plastic water bottle every day and goes on rants about overconsumption killing the ocean. She paints her nails with sharpies and pens and doesn't know how to use makeup but still carries around a bag of dollar store eyeshadow and clearance aisle lipstick. Her favorite movie is one that aired on television 9 years ago and her favorite song is one she heard in a grocery store one time. She doesn't understand poetry that doesn't rhyme but likes stories of women falling in love with someone that might be a man. She imagines that it's not.
Kurona Ranze likes a girl.
Kiyora Jin was a solid 5 foot tall. Her hair comes down to her mid back and she pins it back with too many hair clips. She treats her wine lipstick as blush and eyeshadow and her mascara as eyeliner. Her skirts all come down past her knees and she's been wearing the same pair of converse since her first year of highschool. Her bag is tearing at the seams and her oversized shirts are all hand me downs from her sisters. She has a red pen that she uses to draw up and down her arms, doodles of stars and swirls and intricate patterns she’ll never be able to recreate. She carries around the same poetry book everywhere, it's tattered at its corners and no one is sure where she got it but Kurona knows. She likes statues of dead people and her interpretive dance class. She's the most interesting person Kurona has ever met.
She doesn't talk but if she did Kurona would listen to her all day. Kurona knows her favorite colors and the difference between her favorite songs even though they all kind of sound the same. Kurona Ranze has memorized Kiyora Jin the way Kiyora Jin memorizes poetry. She sees Jin when she closes her eyes and holds her hand when they cross the street even though Ranze was about 80 percent sure Jin doesn't like girls. Was.
“I like you.”
“I like you too, Jinnie. You're my best friend.”
They were at the library again, it was the only place in 100 miles that they could get away from the howling jocks and laughing hyenas that called themselves their classmates. They were half whispering even though they were the only people on the floor. Jin was reading the same poetry book that she had last week and Ranze had found a new shark book on the kids floor.
“No.” Jin's eyebrows were furrowed as she tried to find the words that she was looking for. Her brain thought in the form of the poetry she memorized and songs she vaguely knew the names of. It's hard to make your own sentence when all of the puzzle pieces are too big. She was searching her catalog of death themed rhymes and cryptic rhythms for romance, a genre that she never ventured into.
“Like Romeo and Juliet.”
“I don't want to be Romeo and Juliet.”
Jin whipped her head around, confessing was risky but the rainbow bracelets and pink and orange pins on Ranzes backpack made her feel safe. It was on a whim but she had been confident that she was right. Had she miscalculated? Or was the problem not that she was a girl but that she was her.
“I want to be Virgina Wolf. You can be Vita Sackville-West. She was a poet like you.”
“You almost killed me.”
“Sorry, sorry.” They were laughing now, and though she didn't like poetry Ranze could write a million pages about the way Jin looks and sounds and feels in her hand when she laughs.
“I like-like you too.”
“Like-like,” Jin mirrored back.
“It's one way to say it, it's clunky, clunky. They don't use it in poems.” but she said it again. “Like-like.” She was memorizing it. Memorizing Ranze like a synth wave song and Edgar Allen Poe.
“We should get married.”
“I have dance class later.”
“Not now.” Ranze laughed again, for as literate as she was she could be a little air-headed, she had her head in books and that's where it stayed when she closed the pages. “Just in general, like later in life, later.”
“Oh.” Jin thought about it, she imagined a wedding in a cemetery and shark themed cupcakes. In her head she started a new poem about white tulle covered in mud and frayed at the end by sea creatures made of bones and love.
“I'll get us a dog, we can name it after a food.”
“Oreo.”
“Bagel.”
“I like bagels.”
“I know.”
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I'm having a meltdown and need to rant. I'm sorry if this upsets anybody, so I'll be putting it under the cut.
So I'm having issues with not being able to handle my mood swings again, for one. A bunch of things keep happening and its making me feel like I want to fucking die again and because its bipolar moodswing I can do nothing but ride it out because nothing I've learned and no medicine can help me stop an episode when it fucking starts.
So not only did I have to emergency buy another computer (which I had to borrow MONEY to pay for), but i got it and it barely works. But because I couldn't afford the warranty, I'm now out 400 dollars.
AND
I'm getting bit in bed again, which means my neighbors have given me bedbugs, AGAIN. If you weren't here for the first three or four times, this is the like fifth time in the span of a single year and they refuse to treat your apartment unless you can actually catch one, but refuse to do a proper inspection. They walk in, lift up your sheets, and say "there's no bedbugs. You're obviously just wrong and it's fleas from your pet" and then leave. They don't check cracks, crevices, and all other spots that bedbugs live. Also one fell out of my bathroom vent, so I'd bet anything thats where the fuckers are coming from. They refused to treat my apartment before for over a month until I caught a live bedbug, walked into their office, and slammed it down on their fucking desk and said "tell me its my cat and fleas again. I dare you."
Also I am excruciatingly allergic to bedbug bites, so they swell up and get all nasty and sometimes infected. They itch so maddeningly bad that you have to constantly put cream on them. I am almost out of cream.
Also I paid all the money I had yesterday for fucking groceries, only to realize today that I am low on garbage bags and I'll have to borrow even MORE money from my partners this month to just make it to the next month.
Comcast doubled my bill and refused to lower it.
My disability got raised, but because of it, they docked my food stamps again so I'm essentially just as fucked as before.
I couldn't afford valentines gifts for either of my partners or a birthday gift for scottie so I feel like a terrible partner.
I am having moments of hearing voices again which happens when I am so physically and mentally stressed that my bipolar is unable to cope.
I am almost out of allergy medication. I could not afford it this month. It's almost 30 bucks for a pack that lasts a month. It is the only thing that works and I can't even take it every day cause then it stops working. I am allergic to dust mites (the things that live in your bedding), and my own cat, which did not develop until after I got my cat. When I lay down, half the time I start having an allergy attack from my own sheets.
I could not afford to get my back cracked this month so I get to be in : ) a fantastic amount of pain because it costs me 40 dollars per crack and that is with my disability discount because medicare doesn't give a shit about me or you.
I finally broke down today and called and asked to be put on the waitlist for the other apartments that have less bedbug issues, but got rushed off the phone and hung up on by the secretary before I could ask any questions about the pricing differences or anything. And because I can't guarantee that they won't come inspect my apartment or come harass me to ask me why I want to switch (remember kids, low income landlords are not your friend and will harass and threaten to put you on the street at every possible turn), I just had to speed clean my apartment which caused me a ridiculous amount of pain.
My back hurts, my ankles hurt, I can't stop crying and I just want to die right now. I'll probably be okay in a few hours, but fuck man I'm tired.
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Ok so here we go I guess... aka big rant and dumpster fire life update
As you guys may have noticed, I’ve disappeared from here for a while, except for a couple hellos here and there. The last few months have been pretty hard if I’m being honest. Between exams and family issues. And... basically I now find myself with absolutely no income. I could go into a very long rant about how this wasn’t what I expected to happen and how much I hate society and how much I really hate having to post this but I think this post will be long as it is...
Long story made slightly shorter: my ex is still a shitty person and has not given me child support since august and who knows when/if he plans on ever giving it ever again. That’s basically a 900€ hole in my account that I’ve been trying to make up for by using my small savings to get by with the income I had during my course (I was earning about half the minimum wage here for a full time course so not a lot but I’m used to being on a tight budget).
The course is now over so I’m not getting any more money from that, I have no job yet, no more money saved and no money coming from the unemployment place that was supposed to give me a minimum allowance to survive for the time between the course and the future job income... and I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my bills, buy food for me and my kid. I don’t know anything. My rent payment went through a couple of days ago and my bank account is so in the red it’s scary. Especially knowing that I have no way to make it better. I have all my bills in monthly transfers so I have no way of controlling that, it’s just money going out until my bank finally decides to block my account because I keep going under my overdraft limit. And I really really wish to avoid getting to that point but I just don’t see how to avoid it with how things are going.
I mean, at least it’s not anything medical or life threatening, I know people have it worse than having no money. But being in financial crisis and not knowing how or when i’m going to be able to make things better... well, i didn’t expect that since I took the course to move toward a better life, not a worse one.
All that rambling to say that I’m putting my pride aside and posting this in the off chance that maybe anyone feels like donating to help, that would be really really appreciated. So if you ever appreciated the stories I’ve written, the gifs I made, or all the events I organized over the years, maybe you’ll consider helping out if you can. I mean, now would be the perfect time to save my sorry ass.
I have no real clue how to do this. I don’t have venmo since it’s not available where I’m from. I do have my Kofi account which seems like the simplest available option? I don’t know about fees though, fees are my enemy because I'm at a point where every cent is very much welcome and needed, I’m just clueless.
I hate that I don’t really have anything to offer in return. I don’t know if I can offer to take prompts for ficlets or photoshop and actually have the focus and energy to follow through any of that because I’m pretty burnt out from the course/internship/exams and now this, I never feel creative when I’m exhausted and worried so I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep.
Sooo if you’re still reading after all of that, thank you, it makes me feel a little less alone. Obviously I know that most people are also in financial need and my problems aren’t extraordinary so I don’t really expect a thousand dollar miracle donation that would solve all my worries. But at least I got it off my chest and that’s already something...
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I vent way too much on here. Like, I'm sorry, I just need an outlet :,) So I'm venting again - and it's kinda intense. You don't even need to read this.
(Tw: SH & Suicide)
I said in an earlier post that my depression was getting bad again (which is cringe /j). I didn't think it would ever be this bad, though. I am taking care of 2 kids as well as a house cause my mom keeps making excuses on why she's not here. The kids have missed about 2 months of school. It got so bad that the police showed up.
I honestly feel like a failure to my kids. My older brother is a big help, but he's graduating this year. Then, he's moving out right after cause he doesn't wanna be stuck in this shit hole of a home. Can't say I blame him. But that means I'm gonna be stuck here with 2 kids and a house to take care of without a mother figure.
I am failing all except 2 of my classes and can't take care of anyone, not even myself. I can barely even get the energy to wash my face. It's gotten to the point where I only take 1-2 showers a week, when I usually take one every 2-3 days.
I can't cook for shit and the dishes are used up as soon as I wash them. We barely have actual meals cause my mom basically stopped going shopping. She just buys sodas and snacks from the dollar store every week.
I feel like shit all the time, but I can't stop cleaning or doing something around the house cause of how quickly things pile up.
I live with my brother (17), sister (7), cousin (10 m), and mom (if she even counts anymore), and now apparently my aunt is moving in too. I live in a 2 bed 1 bath. There is no room for someone else. I already slept in my moms room with my little sister. (And mom if she's home)
My house is such a shit hole. So, I don't wanna stay there but school is stressful and I cry almost every day there. So, there's literally no escaping my stress and anxiety.
I try and make jokes at school to get away from it all. But it's getting harder and harder to try and keep everything bottled in. I joke about killing myself and shit but sometimes, it genuinely crosses my mind. I would never do it, and those thoughts scare me.
I used to SH about a year ago. It's not some I'm proud of, but it's true. I would like to say I'm clean now, and thankfully, my recovery process was quick. But sometimes I'll catch myself thinking about it. It scares me, but it's happening quite often nowadays.
I have a lot of shit on my plate, and somehow, I'm still supposed to have good grades and stable mental health. My own mother said that I'm definitely not mentally ill. She barely knows who I am anymore.
I'm just so tired. But that doesn't mean I don't have good things in my life. I am so grateful for the two best friends I think I've ever had. They get me through the day, and I love them more than they know. I wish I could let them know just how much I care about them and how much they have impacted my life since I've met them.
I've known one of them for just 2 years, and I only started talking to my boyfriend at the beginning of school. But it feels like I've known them forever. I hope they know how much they really mean to me.
Anyways, sorry for the rant, I've just had those thoughts bottled up for a while and needed to get them out of my system. I've come to find that just talking about my feelings through text is really therapeutic. So that's probably why I talk about my problems so much on here. And it's not like people see these anyways, so it's kinda like my own personal diary that only one other person sees.
So, again, sorry for the long ass rant. I hope you have a lovely night or day. Mwah <3 gn lovelies.
#I tottaly started crying when talking about my friends and how much I love them#I'll keep them all to myself#away from harm#and furries /j#I'll keep them in jars on my shelf
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