✧ I won’t really write descriptions for these, but see original post tags for explanation/commentary on the song snippet ✧

Return to Hatchetfield-Town – The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals Part 1

Alright settle down kiddos. Get comfy, find a warm blanket and hug your favourite fwendy-wend as we start our Return to Hatchetfield-Town series.

I’ll be rewatching all the Hatchetfield scripted content (i.e. not livestreams or interviews) and jotting down what happens, explaining some concepts and delving into some of the key theories in the series (and using the word “implications” that often it will cease to have meaning).

Even though I’ll be doing the rewatch by show in order they came out, there will be spoilers for all Hatchetfield content that is available as of the rewatch.  

I’ve also linked to a number of other blog’s theories here because they are amazing, but if you aren’t happy with your theory being included I will be more than happy to remove it!  Just let me know.

[Part 2]

The Guy Who Really Hated Brigadoon

TGWDLM starts off with the greatest song ever to feature dancing zombies… at least I can’t think of any other notable ones.

In the title song, the cast of singing and dancing zombies explain to us that all great stories have to have a hero, someone who knows right and wrong and that the best way to do this is through singing and dancing in musicals.  This with the later line of “they evoke the philosophical” make me think that Pokey took a class in Campbell’s Hero Myth in College and became that guy.

Hatchetfield Challenge: try not to shrug your shoulders along with the music at the chorus. Its impossible. No wonder the Hive spread so quickly.  Literally killer dance moves.

So then they introduce us to an awful Grinch named Paul and we hit the first point in the show where I laugh out loud every single time I watch.

I know TGWDLM was not originally intended to be the first Hatchetfield show but starting this series with a song which sets up the story so well is truly spectacular.   And is there anything more Starkid than introducing your main character by having other characters sing about how awful they are?

One thing I have noticed while writing, reading and collating Hatchetfield theories is that while most Black Friday and Nightmare Time theories are usually about the overall Hatchetfield lore, most TGWDLM theories are usually quite self-contained and focused on this one show.  TGWDLM – while so fully within the Hatchetfield extended universe, is definitely the show that can best stand-alone without the others.

It’s the end of the world, Paul

If you don’t sing

This is the bridge, Paul

Where we globalize everything

And the words will come to you

We swear we will teach you

What it means to love

What it means to obey, Paul!

On a first watch this is very funny.  On your 10th watch this is terrifying.

CCRP Technical: No-one here knows how to use their printer

Following the absolute bop of a title song we find ourselves in CCRP Technical and all feels very… normal. It’s very weird following all the revelations in subsequent Hatchetfield media, to be watching a show where there was genuinely nothing obviously fishy about CCRP.  We’ll obviously discuss CCRP more when we get to Nightmare Time, but for now all we know is that Paul works in the technical department of CCRP – an unknown corporation, with some key characters, Charlotte, Bill and Ted.

We also find out more about Grinch Paul’s personality and honestly, Paul is me pre-pandemic just outright avoiding social interactions and suddenly going for coffee in the middle of the work day. (I have become a changed woman in lockdown – someone please invite me somewhere… anywhere!)

For all the dark humour and death in the Hatchetfield series, Starkid do know how to bring the joy – I love how excited the town of Hatchetfield are for a touring production of Mamma Mia.  

Fake Fact: TGWDLM is actually an allegory for Europe in the 1970s, when we all became mind-controlled by Abba’s Waterloo.  (Find me a better explanation for Eurovision, I dare you!  The sequins were just too shiny!)

“The idea of sitting there… trapped in a musical.  That is my own personal hell.”

Two words: Emma Perkins – need I explain any more?  

Ah Hot Chocolate Boy.  I really look forward to finding out more about him.  Where does he come from?  He just appears out of the ether. What’s his story?  How old is he? How many hot chocolates does he have per day? I know we have since had some confirmation on who he is, but they raise more questions than answers. For now I will just point you to a gorgeous Mood Board by @hatchetfieldmoodboards which features a bit of a spoiler. 

For real though – is it just me who would love a full version of “I’ve been brewing up your coffee”?

Hatchetfield Challenge: Try not to sing “Shut the f*ck up” along with Emma.

“Watching people sing and dance makes me very uncomfortable”- oh boy Paul… you’re not going to enjoy the next hour and 40 minutes.  Also, Paul, you’re making me uncomfortable watching you throw your brand new coffee around as if you’ve just been given an empty cup.  There’s imaginary coffee everywhere.  Hopefully, HCB won’t slip on it before it’s cleaned up… he’s already having a bad day.

“Thunder and Lightning… very very frightening.  But a big rock hurtling through the clouds is no biggie.” – all the residents of Hatchetfield apparently.

The next sequence happens so fast and we get introduced to a lot of characters.  Notably Greenpeace Girl, Alice and Deb, Sam, and Hidgens (though we don’t find out his name until much later). This scene impresses me because they do such a great job of very quickly bringing out so many characters who nonetheless are memorable when they return later in the show.

Peanuts the Hatchetfield Pocket Squirrel is an Eldritch Being. I won’t go into Peanuts theories here as that could be a whole post in itself – and many a person more brilliant than I have written some fantastic theories on this. You can learn all about how a Squirrel took over the fandom in the following posts:

@dahlialupine : x

@frombothofmyhearts​: x

@abiimaryy​: x

And finally mine which is definitely a serious theory: x

It’s… A… Musical!

Now to remember we are actually watching a musical.  La Dee Da Da Day is such a happy joyful song performed spectacularly by a throng of the undead.

The song is about the Hive singing about how much of a great time they are having now they are tap-dancing zombies, and trying to find ways to convince Paul he should join them too. So the grins on all their faces are not at all terrifying.

 It’s worth noting also that according to the laws of the TGWDLM world, only those infected by the Hive can hear the music in the background.  This becomes important later when it becomes clear some characters have started being infected before they are fully turned into zombies, but for now it just paints quite a funny picture of what Paul must be witnessing. I definitely think for him, this whole scene just sounds like this clip of Greased Lightning without the music: x

The important thing here however, besides Mariah’s singing, is that the Hive leave Paul alone.  They don’t actually attempt to turn him at this point.  I have a theory on the implications of this, but note this has big spoilers for the end of the show and Black Friday.  It was written before we knew that the Hive (Pokey) was related to Wiggly but the content still stands: x

Charlotte, Honey, you don’t need that much sugar – you’re sweet enough

For reference:

@melchron​  noted that the lyrics for La Dee Dah sound very similar to the incantation for soul transferal read out in Jane’s a Car, which leads me to two possible implications.

The Freaky Furbies have a language other than English that they use for their incantations so this is why they sound similar.

There is soul transference happening to the souls of the bodies the Hive take over.

Or it’s just Starkid using similar sounding words for their content…. Three! There are three possible implications…

Paul – just print off another copy of the report

From this point on the musical numbers really do come thick and fast.  We move on to the first instance of Jeff Blim encouraging Paul to talk about his feelings, which I am sure is not important and isn’t worth discussing.  Paul goes through a musical rendition of a promotion interview, which is actually the Hive attempting to find out if he will be the “hero” of their story.  They picked out Paul for the role from the start. That he was chosen was inevitable.

What do you see for this company? I'm looking for someone with strong ambition Someone to sell their specific vision Someone to share with precise precision their thoughts 'Cause I want you to want…To want

So it turns out these will be looooong, so I will end here and see you in part 2!  I’m not sure yet what the upload frequency will be.  It takes quite a while to go through the show like this but it is a lot of fun!

Hatchetfield High Homework:

Where do you stand on the Peanuts the Hatchetfield Pocket Squirrel debate?

Why do you think that the Soul Transference Spell and La Dee Dah sound so similar?

Go follow all the lovely people mentioned in this post!

Bonus points if you know the reference in the post title.

[Part 2]

A Letter to my Favorite Person

So I wrote this thing for Bono... I started working on it last night but I severely underestimated both how much I wanted to write and how long it would take me to write it so I had to finish it up today. So I guess in that I discovered that me and B have something in common. We're both writers and we both turn everything we write into novels because we are incapable of writing anything short. So here it is, I'm putting it under a cut because like I said, it's quite long (3500 words). It's also full of sappiness the likes of which you've never seen before. So just be prepared for that. You've been warned. But otherwise, enjoy :) (and Bono if you read this I'd not know whether to be super happy and amazed or to throw myself out the nearest window...)

Okay, so how do I even start something like this… Believe it or not, I’m not always the best at expressing my emotions or how I feel to other people. It’s not that I don’t know how I feel, I’m pretty good at that, but when it comes to talking about it, that’s where the words just kind of leave me. I guess I just kind of worry that if I truly express what I say, people won’t understand what I mean or something like that. And because of the fact that I tend to experience emotions very strongly, I worry that I might come off as too much to people.

But screw it, a lesson I’m in the middle of learning is that for people you care about, it’s important to communicate with them and tell them how you feel because, well, nobody’s a mind reader.

And well, I just have a lot to say and I want to say it. So here goes (prepare for ultimate sappiness the likes of which you have never seen before. You’ve been warned)

So, to my dearest Bono, the man who has changed my life, I just want to say… thank you? Wow, like you’ve never heard that before, right? But who says hearing “thank you” a lot is a bad thing? Obviously if a lot of people thank you for something, then you’ve done something right, and something right you’ve done indeed.

Obviously I’m sure that on some level you know just how much your music and you yourself have helped people, touched them, made their lives better, etc. I mean, you could see it every night when you got up on that stage in front of all those thousands of people. But those stadiums can only hold a few thousand people at a time and there are so many more people around the world that have been touched by you; your words, your songs, your activism and the fact that you actually go out there and attempt to make a positive impact on the world.

It reminds me of how in Paris in 2015 the entire audience sang the whole first verse of One without you having to do anything. The look on your face said it all about how happy you were, and how amazed you were. Or how, in Berlin in 2018 when you lost your voice during Beautiful Day, I’m sure you were terrified, but you didn’t need to be because the audience picked up the words and sang for you. You told them “thank you” afterwards, like you’re always so surprised at what people would do for you, or how much you inspire others, but you don’t need to be, because just that kind of guy.

I was originally going to write a poem or something, before I decided on writing this because I felt it was easier for me to get out everything I wanted to say like this, but one of the lines I thought of for the poem went a little something like this:

There is a man that has everything But he gives it away like nothing There is a man that has everything But he gives it away for nothing There is a man that has everything But he gives it to those who have nothing

I was just thinking about this the other night and it just kind of came to me that “wow, here is a man who has quite literally everything but is also incredibly humble and kind to everyone to the point where nobody that’s met him has ever had a bad thing to say about him,” and I just kind of thought to myself “wow.” I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but I just wanted to point that out. I guess my point is that, you look out in the world and sometimes it’s so easy to get overwhelmed by all the darkness and the terrible things that people sometimes do, that it’s also easy to forget that there are still good people out there that are doing their best to make the world a better place for no other reason than because they want to, and because they think it’s the right thing to do. People like that are pure souls; they are rare but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. And you sir, are one of those people. You may not want to be called that but it’s the truth. It kind of reminds me of the Lord of the Rings quote, “there’s still some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for,” and of course, the lyrics to Song for Someone/13 , “if there is a dark, then we shouldn’t doubt that there is a light, don’t let it go out.” Honestly, I think this may be one of the most important lyrics in any of your songs because it is just such a universally important message. Whenever you’re going through a hard time, it’s important to remember that there is a light, that you are not alone, that the darkness can be fought.

But anyway, going back to what I first said, you may have some idea of the amount of people’s lives you changed but do you really know just how many that is? And over the course of so many years? That must be an impossibly huge number.

But anyway, after this stupidly long preamble (preramble) I guess I should finally get to the whole entire point of this letter or whatever you’d call it. But hey, I guess that’s one thing we both have in common right? Everything we write turns out to be insanely long and rambly. And tagenty. What was I saying? Oh, right.

I just wanted to say that you mean a lot to me. I am one of those uncountable people that you’ve helped in some way. In a myriad of ways actually. In so many ways.

Over the past year, my mood has gone up and down like a rollercoaster for obvious reasons. Sometimes it was so hard to be positive about anything when you looked out into the world. Sometimes I would just give into despair. What were any of us doing? What was the point of anything anymore? But other days I would feel great. I would feel like I was a better person than I was before. And I would be so happy and grateful for all the friends I’ve made that I didn’t have before. And then I would go back down again. It was a real rollercoaster, and still is.

Basically, what I’m saying is, a friend once told me not too long ago that “U2 has a habit of coming into your life right when you most need them,” and looking back on that, I can say she was right. It all happened on December 25th, 2019, you know, Christmas. I was thinking of buying myself a record player but it turns out my parents were nice enough to buy one for me. Of course they got me some records to go along with it. There were a lot of them actually, but I don’t really remember them. I just remember the one that stood out to me more than the others: The Joshua Tree by U2. I actually got really excited when I saw it because I had actually heard it before, a long time ago but I never actually got around to listening to the whole thing, so I was happy that now I had the chance. I don’t think my mom realized what she had started when she did that, and neither did I at the time. I’m not going to recount the whole entire story here because that’ll take too long (that’s another story) but basically that was the moment that U2 and you too (wink wink) entered my life. And what happened a few months later? The entire world changed.

But you know what? It was okay because I had you there. Suddenly it was like I had a new friend there with me, and anytime I wanted a reprieve from the world outside, all I had to do was ask. You could make me smile, you could make me laugh, you could make me cry, but in a good way. I immersed myself in all the stories of things you had done for people, putting your kindness on display. How you could make someone’s entire day just by smiling at them. I would read those stories and I would get this feeling like my heart would burst and I would get this huge dopey smile on my face and then I would go scream into a pillow to get out some of the emotion. And then I would feel silly because here I was, a 21 year old girl, sitting alone in my room, and the guy I was basically tripping over was 59, about to turn 60! And now he’s 60, about to turn 61! And I am still only 22. But you know what, that doesn’t matter, because sometimes people are just that good, and you’re one of those people.

I remember reading one story in particular about some kids who were sitting outside your studio. You saw them, got out of the car and went up to them and signed the albums they had. You could’ve stopped at just that, you’d already made their days, you’d already given them enough happiness to power an entire country for a year, and certainly nobody would expect you to do more. But you did. You allowed them to come into your car and you drove them around for a bit while showing them a preview of How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. And I just thought to myself, “who does that? Surely this can’t be real? Surely this person can’t be real,” but you are real. And you really did do that. And for no other reason than out of the kindness of your own heart. You didn’t have to do that. You didn’t have to do any of that. But you did. Because you’re just that kind of guy. Later on in the story, Larry mentions to the reporter who was in the car when this happened, that “he really has this insatiable urge to be all things to all people, even when we try and stop him,” and I think that’s the perfect way to describe it. Making other people happy is genuinely something you enjoy and you will go out of your way to do it for no other reason than because you know just how happy you will make those people.

And then I’m sure my parents saw what was happening and they laughed and teased me and said “oh there she goes” and yeah, they were right, there I went. And here I am still am. I don’t even know if this is making any sense anymore but sometimes, when you’re telling someone how you feel, it doesn’t always make sense. Because emotions, these weird tricky little things of the human experience, don’t always make sense. But what I mean to say does make sense, at least in the way that these kinds of things can.

These things that I feel aren’t just surface level little crushes. I think they are more than that. Because it isn’t just about how you look or the fact that you are a singer or whatever (although those things are nice I must admit, especially the first one ;) ) but something deeper. It’s because everything you do, everything you say, comes from your heart. Everything you do oozes that sweet beautiful passion of someone who really means what they say, and lives it. You’ve said it yourself before, when you’re singing, you’re not merely just singing the songs, you are living them, you are them and I think that’s beautiful. And in an era of fake people, I think that is a big part of what drew me to you. I think I could tell by watching you and listening to you that you weren’t like the others, you were real and you lived every second of it.

And I just think it’s great to have someone to look up to that is real and undeniably himself. I could learn from that. Really, I could learn a lot of things from you. Because you are so wise and intelligent, sometimes I am just wowed by the things you manage to say. You know a lot of things about the world that I couldn’t know simply because of experience. I guess you could say that I am innocence and you are experience. It’s very interesting when innocence and experience can interact with each other. The experience sees the forgotten youth and the innocence sees the wiseness and intelligence that comes with having lived the world. And both of them can learn from each other.

And for a man that is so unapologetically, so unabashedly, so undeniably himself, I could learn a thing or two from that too. I’ve always watched you be loud and proud, say what you want, be spontaneous, and go out on a whim. Whenever there was something you wanted to do, you would just do it, (whether you should’ve or not) and sure, that’s left you in a few bad situations, but you still did something. You were never left wondering “what if?” You have always been a man of action and I admire that about you. You’ve never been one to care about what others thought of you and that is something that I admire so so much. Me, not to be dramatic, but I feel like that was stamped out of me some time ago. I find myself always caring about what people think, even if those people aren’t even around. I feel like I can hear them in my head when I’m alone, just trying to do something I enjoy. And sometimes I start to wonder if it’s really other people or if it’s really just me. But I need to learn to be unapologetically me, just like you. Because after all, I’m the only person who can, right? So maybe if you stick around for a bit longer, I can do that. But only if you stick around.

Because of all that, you really are such an inspiration to me. You’re really someone who goes after what you want instead of just sitting there wondering what other people would think. And maybe I should do that too.

You’ve shown me the power of song, the way that music can move our souls and transcend us to that other place. Music is an amazing thing I think, and I’m sure you agree. It has the unique power to transcend barriers and bring people from many different places together. And I’ve been constantly wowed by your ability to write. So much of music is empty these days it seems, but you fill that hole with your irresistible passion once again.

Everything you write comes from the heart, and where else could it come from but there? I don’t think it’s possible to write the things you do without throwing your entire soul into it, which is what you do. And when you sing those same songs, the passion is on another level. It really is infectious, contagious, irresistible and incredible, it pours out and spreads over everyone like a wave until they’re all caught up in this feeling, this high that takes you to another place, if only for a few minutes. While you’re there you can find important answers to things that you wouldn’t have found otherwise. It’s a magical place.

And I think I understand just how that feels from your perspective now. When I’m alone and there’s no one around, I like to sing too. I’m not very good, in fact, I listened to myself once and wanted to throw my entire computer out the window, and I beat myself up over it for days. I told myself “how could you possibly think you were good? You don’t even know anything” and then I started thinking “what’s the point if I’m not even good?” but then, a few days later, I realized that it doesn’t really matter whether you’re good or not, what matters is if you enjoy it, if you have fun, if, in that moment, you feel like you’re releasing something held captive in your soul, if you’re telling the world (even if that world is just your bedroom) what you have to say. What matters is if, in that moment, you go to that other place. And, if you do, then that’s really all that matters.

So, because of you, because of your passion, your refusal to be anything other than unapologetically you, I think I will try. And maybe someday, we’ll meet and sing a duet together (HA!).

Another thing I love about you is your dedication to the things you love and care about. I have a feeling that anyone who knows you personally is very privileged because they get to know one of the kindest, sweetest, and most caring people there is. And of course who benefits from that the most? Of course your special woman, Ali. I used to think that such beautiful relationships like that weren’t possible in the real world, and that they only existed in fiction but it makes me happy to see that they are possible. Maybe not possible for everyone, but just the fact that they are possible at all makes me happy.

A friend told me that she met you once, in Boston in 2018. She called out your name and you looked at her, your eyes met and she forgot everything she had been meaning to say, but according to her, that was alright because your expression softened like you just knew what she wanted to say. And you know what? I believe it, because that’s just the kind of person you are. Kind, gentle, sweet, and softhearted, with eyes that can see right through us (and hopefully they’re not afraid of anything they’ve seen). I know I said at the beginning of this that it’s important to communicate because people aren’t mind readers but scratch that, maybe you are one, and I’m not writing all of this because I want you to know, but just because I wanted to be the one to tell you.

And finally, I just want to say, on a more personal note (as if this whole entire thing hasn’t been personal) I am so grateful that you came into my life. I feel like I was saved in a way. At the beginning of 2020, the world outside was good, but the world inside me wasn’t quite so. I don’t want to go into details because honestly, it’s just too embarrassing to think about and sometimes I wish I could just forget it all, but for a few years before that moment on Christmas morning, I had lost my way. I had strayed from the path and stumbled into somewhere strange where I shouldn’t have been, and I was stumbling about, constantly trying to make sense of where I was and I just kept falling. But then on that morning, and over the next few months, a light appeared. It called to me and showed me how to get out of the place I had fallen into. And when I had finally gotten out, there was a man standing there with gorgeous blue eyes and the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. He reached out his hand towards me and I grabbed it.

And so, over the next few months, even as the world outside turned dark and scary, the world inside me had turned into a light. Even as the world outside turned dark and scary with so many questions, so many unknowns, it was okay, because you were there. The first new thing that I had seen from you was in March 2020 when you put out that song you called “Let Your Love Be Known” and I think that’s what I’m doing right about now. I’m letting my love be known.

I know that in reality, you probably wouldn’t want to hear all this stuff practically elevating you to God status or something, but as you’ve said before, you already have a messianic complex, so why not puff it up a bit?

But for real, thank you. Thank you for existing, thank you being a light, thank you for being there, thank you for helping me.

Just thank you.

This is such a cute idea! I’m addicted to making weirdly specific Spotify playlists so this is perfect. I have an ✨eclectic✨ music taste but my favorites are usually bedroom pop (mxmtoon, chloe moriondo, khai dreams, etc), romantic classical (think Debussy and Revel), and indie (although I like some Megan Thee Stallion, AC/DC, Nirvana, etc when I’m hyping myself up). As far as my personality goes, I’m pretty insightful and like to support people whenever I can, even if I don’t know them well. I can be a little chaotic sometimes, but I like to think it’s a chaotic good. I love tea, blankets, philosophy, deep conversations, the outdoors, and writing. I’m also an INFP and a Taurus :)

Sorry if that was too much, thank you so much! Take care of yourself and stay well

- Elle ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

( @snoozless ) you don’t understand how bad i want to be your friend. 😐😐 ok so you kind of get bonus 😀 but it rly might not be bonus because akfjakdkw. so, i gave you matsukawa!! but he’s not always like revered about so if u want a character lmk!! i am. in love w him tho. you’re so sweet you would balance him out and yall would be equally chaotic together.

he would have philosophical questions w u!! he might just be a little blunt & might accidentally cut the convo short, but he would listen to everything you said.

he’s used to a wide variety of music bc i’m convinced the seijoh playlists are absolutely fucking cracked like so loud. so he really could sit there and listen to anything. and i mean ANYTHING. like if you wanted to put on christian rock he’d awkwardly try to tap his foot on beat for you.

but, that doesn’t mean he’s gonna geek over you i feel like he’d be pretty private about the relationship. he’s not like secretive but he’s not gonna post you every two seconds yknow? he wouldnt put prom photos, but if yall went to look at the stars or go on a little hike he’d take a pic and youre wearing baggy sweats and one of his shirts and your hair isnt brushed for shit and it’s way too dark to properly make your face out and he’d put that shit on his main absolutely 😒

this man would be the kind of mf to look up his “crush’s” zodiac just for shits & giggles, so if he randomly knows a taurus fact, don’t question it<3 (he looked up your compatibility and he will take that to the grave)

issei is an infp idc. so yall got that in common.

he’s genuinely so pretty.

bc i took so long, i’m going to put descriptions for all the songs i love you thanks for requesting sorry for taking forever i’ll link the playlist and list the songs<3

1. silly girl- chloe moriondo

okay while this song is actually kinda sad, i think tHIS is pretty cute. issei comes off as this intimidating guy, and the more you get to know him the more you forget ab this idea of him you had or whatever? like the lyrics “i made him perfect, cause i wanted him to be” are really prominent in the point i’m tryna make because like even tho the lyric is obviously sad bitch shit, music is up for interpretation and this is like “hello ok he actually a real mf and shiiit maybe he cool😁✊”

2. nice boys- TEMPOREX

kinda sad. i don’t care how unemotional he might act, everyone has shit that brings them down. PLUS HES A PISCES THERES NO WAY HES NOT SAD SOMETIMES. this song just really taps into insecurities for him, and the song just gets under his skin in like a very therapeutic way. also “because he’s a pisces” some of his emotions are super intense so the “because he cares too much” line hits him fuckin hard

3. IV. sweatpants- childish gambino

this is some shit he listens to more with his team, absolutely. no doubt they blare this shit during weekly practice. but, he really really likes the song. so, when you’re hanging out and he has the aux? it’s one of the first ones he puts on. you two jam to it together. he’ll come up w dumb little dances to fit with certain lyrics (stole some of them from oikawa and hanamaki, but he won’t tell you)

4. you get me so high- the neighbourhood

okay unfortunately i must say him and hanamaki get fuckin faded in empty fields at two am all trashy like. but they make it look good idc. and if you smoke, cool, if you don’t he does not care. he always associated getting high with,,, getting high and everytime he listened to this song it just was one of his getting blazed jams, but now he’s got like a different kinda “euphoric” feel with loving you? like i said this bitch is a pisces even if he doesn’t overwhelm you with affection, he thinks ab you 24/7

5. 80’s makeout session- dacelynn

thIS SONG IS SO CUTE. but it’s p self explanatory. in love and also spare a kiss pls

6. can i call you tonight- dayglow

i feel like actually coming to terms with genuine feelings for someone would be kind of weird for issei. like no offense, but he sees it as kind of a pain in the ass. i genuinely think he would be someone to put his all into work or a task in front of him. he’s super intuitive, and constantly uses it to be better. whether it’s in volleyball or like cremating ppl i guess (HE WORKS INA FUNERAL HOME POST TIME SKIP IF U DIDNT KNOW). and it’s the same in relationships, but it’s also harder because he can’t have this complete clear head because you make his brain go kinda fuzzy. so, this song is like his little way of expressing that even tho he was like ‘internally conflicted’ this mf chose to go for it and that’s how much u mean to him

7. clair de lune, L. 32- claude debussy

i’m gonna be fucking honest with you. even though he’ll listen to anything, i really don’t think this man is looking up ‘classical romance study tunes’ playlists in his free time. he definitely enjoys the music, but that’s only if someone points it out to him. and he’s listened to you talk about it before, and watched you as you heard the piano and gauged your reactions and thought u were pretty cute he’s not gonna lie😼. so he definitely just looked up classical romance and picked the first recommended song and added it on there. he’ll dance w you a lil bit, but it wouldn’t be that quiet, intimate slow dancing in the dark you think would come w this song. itd just be a little sway as he hugs you from behind while you get water, or he twirls you once randomly with a laugh UGH I LOVE HIM

8. like real people do- hozier

ok. this one was fun for me. idc. double meaning lol. so this song is literally about two dead bodies in a bog and ,,, and he works in a funeral home PLS LMAOFJAJDJA I THINK THATS SO FUCKING FUNNY AND SO DOES HE. but also this song literally is my idea of love. this is my idea of love. and yall listen to it, with your stupid little death joke, but he looks at you and he’s just like ‘oh’. yknow? YKNOW?

9. BS- still woozy

like i said, i think he puts a lot into work. and he literally plays for a powerhouse school there’s no way he doesn’t practice a lot. so that means there’s a lot of time where he’s physically not there and definitely can’t text, because he’s trying to improve. and while he wouldn’t stop volleyball for someone else, he understands that you are like super amazing for being so Cool with him not being the most available. the song just reminds him of how compassionate you are and also he does miss u when he’s at practice YKNOW?

10. i <3 u- boy pablo

this one made me so fucking soft ew. ok. this song reminds him of you so so much. he’s totally okay being vulnerable with you? and even though he has pretty heightened emotions, he’s never felt like so strongly for smth other than like ??? volleyball and caring ab his siblings (BUT HE FEELS DIFFERENT FOR U THAN HE DOES FOR A VOLLEYBALL AND HIS SIBLINGS PLEASE😁). HE LUVVVVV YOU

11. heart-shaped box- nirvana

so many reasons. for one, simply fucking JAM. yall would scream this on a drive. if you ever got drunk together, this would be the first song you play. also, little lyrics remind you of each other. (the pisces lyric in the first and third verse, and even tho the flowers aren’t being used in a sweet sense in the song he does remember talking ab flowers w u, and now any flower is mentioned and he’s like “ah yes. my girlfriend.”)

12. pluto projector- rex orange county

FUCK. FUCK THIS SONG. GOD. NO. LIKE HE REALIZES HE’S IN LOVE WITH YOU WITH THIS SONG. HE T E L L S YOU HE’S IN LOVE WITH YOU WITH THIS SONG. the first time, he just sends you the name of it like ‘pluto projector <3’ and you listen and it’s so sweet and ur like ayo turn this shit up. and he adds it to your playlist, which definitely gets a smile from you. and then one night like two weeks later youre just laying together, and he’s running his fingers through his hair and he pulls away for a second to grab his phone and he turns the song on and you just listen to it in silence and it’s so fucking intimate. and he’s just like “i don’t think i’ve ever related to a song more” and you think he’s making a joke so you tell him to shut up (also jokingly) and he just laughs and it’s dark in his room and he’s playing with your hair again and he just goes “god, if you’re telling me to shut up over that i don’t even want to imagine how you’re gonna react when i tell you i love you” and it’s right around 3:10 in the song i’m literally so gone for him. bye you cry and try to hide it but he can tell HES PERCEPTIVE

13. i wanna be yours- arctic monkeys

okay for one, it’s a good song. it’s a song he absolutely let’s play in the background, just to cover the static lol. but also? ALSO? THE TITLE APPLIES TO YOU THE FUCK? it’s as if,,, he’s whipped,,

14. supermassive black hole- muse

hanamaki prolly showed him this song, and it’s one of his vibe songs. he will do falsetto while singing it if he’s in a really good mood and it just makes everyone laugh, including himself. it actually kind of grosses him out, because this song used to literally just be a song he would aimlessly go hard to but NOW his little bitch ass is like “you set my soul alight”? i guess i relate and “oh baby, i’m a fool for you” well, surely i’m not a fool but yea i get you muse sing it. it’s so gross. at this point he wants one thing that doesn’t make him think of you, just to prove that he’s not that gone, but he struggling

15. desperado- rhianna

i’m sorry to say it but this song makes him feel like a bad bitch LMAOOOOO. like if he’s ever getting pregame jitters or anything, he will just play this song. whether it’s on the speaker or in his headphones, he puts this shit on full volume and gets a lil too cocky LOL. this is also on the main seijoh playlist no doubt. he wants to share his bad bitch song w you, so you can aLSO feel like a bad bitch?? dUH

IM SO SORRY FOR THE WAIT BABES! IF YOU WANT ANY OF THE SONGS CHANGED (or even the character) LMK!! UR AMAZING ur so sweet it makes me ill

UA Idol | Chapter Nine

Hitoshi Shinsou x Reader

Word Count: 1,532

Warnings: Language

A/N: This is just kind of a filler chapter, I promise that the next chapter is the beginning of ~Hell Week~ and I am having a blast writing it. I’m gonna have to use so many descriptor words, I have so many ideas for how all these performances look and II just need to write them DOWN. I hope you enjoy this chapter!! And thank you for the support to everyone who keeps reading it, you mean the world to me 🥺(Also out of curiosity should I draw Mina and Denki like I imagine them in this AU too?? Would that be a thing anyone is interested in??? Let me know!!)

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Shinsou felt someone shake his shoulder, making his eyes shoot open. He’d fallen asleep, apparently. “I’m so sorry sir, but we’re going to be landing soon, and you and your girlfriend don’t have your seatbelts on…” she explains, and he raises his eyebrow. Girlfriend? He doesn’t have a… oh my GOD your head is on his shoulder and you’re sleeping on him. And his head is on top of yours. “Uh… sorry,” he mumbles, his face turning a bright red. “It’s alright, sir, just buckle up, okay?” He nods, gently shaking you awake, but you mumble something about 5 more minutes, shifting and burying your face deeper in his neck. He feels the blush on his face flood throughout his body, and his heart speeds up.

He did NOT want to move you. He wanted to let you cuddle him and let him hold you forever, but unfortunately the plane was going to land and as much as he wanted to stay close to you, he also didn’t want you to fly out of your seat and hit your head and die. “Come on, kitten, you need to put your seatbelt on,” he says, gently shaking you again. You shake your head, a small yawn leaving your mouth until you realize just who exactly you were laying on. This causes your spine to go rigid and you sit straight up, trying to hide the ever-present embarrassment showing on your face. “Seatbelt, (Y/n/n),” Shinsou says, buckling his and pretending like he, too, wasn’t the shade of a literal tomato. You nod, quickly buckling up and looking over at him. “So, um… we slept for a long time,” you say, and he nods. “Yep. Yeah, we did. Best sleep I’ve gotten in a while,” he answers, clearing his throat and looking around at everyone else on the plane. “Me too, me too,” you respond, looking out of the plane window. That’s when the pilot comes over the loudspeaker, telling the passengers that the plane was about to land. And that’s when Shinsou gets even more anxious than he already was. That’s also when you remember what he said about plane crashes. ‘Take offs and landings are the scariest parts because that’s when things go wrong and crashes happen most often.’

Without even giving it a second thought, you reach out to hold his hand again. You give it a reassuring squeeze, and you see like maybe .5% of his anxiety go away, but hey at least it was some of it. “We’re gonna be okay, Shinsou. Don’t even worry about it, if anything happens I won’t let you get hurt,” you reassure him, and he glances at you before nodding. Of course, that’s right when the plane starts to actually descend, and you swear you can feel Shinsou’s soul leave his body and you aren’t even a part of his soul or body. Luckily, though, you land perfectly. Nothing bad happens, and you see the relief flood through him. His hand was still in yours, though. Looks like he got a little comfortable with that part, and didn’t even try to take it away until everyone began to unload. Before you could grab your bags from the overhead, he did the job for you, handing you your bag with a small smirk. “I have a five dollar fee for manual labor,” he says, and you roll your eyes. You both begin to walk off the plane, and you noticed all his anxiety seemed to have gone away now that you were back on land. And of course that meant his sarcastic ass was back. “And I have three cents to my name.”

“Looks like you’ll have to pay me back some other way.”

“And what is this other way you are mentioning?” He opens his mouth, about to say something, when suddenly a flash of blonde and pink interrupts your little moment. Just like always. “I hope you both slept well,” Denki winks, resulting in him getting a punch to the arm from Shinsou. “Ow, man, what the hell?”

“I must have slept better than I thought, that was harder than I anticipated.”

“Yeah you slept well because of your little cuddle buddy over here.” Denki gets punched again. “I cannot believe you guys slept on each other, (Y/n). It was so cute I took like eleven pictures and I bet that’s why he slept so well,” Mina whisper squeals to you, and you roll your eyes. “Mina, we slept well because we’re both genuinely exhausted from our energetic best friends who even after an eight hour flight still seem to be bouncing off the walls and causing us pain,” you respond and she laughs. “Hey you’re not the only ones who took a fat nap. Of course, I didn’t cuddle with the love of my life that I’m pretending isn’t the love of my life, but hey it was still nice.” You shoot her a small glare to which she responds to you with a wink. You sigh, glancing over at Shinsou. He was still being badgered by Denki, and he looked very unamused, but you can’t deny how attractive he looked. You were definitely developing a bit of a crush on him, not that you’d ever admit it out loud. The way you two can talk for hours and never get bored as well as… well everything else about him really is just so appealing to you. Not to mention the strange connection you feel toward him. He’s like your favorite song that you listen to every day but never seem to get tired of.

“Hellooooooo? Earth to (Y/n),” Mina starts frantically waving her hand in front of your face, pulling you out of your thoughts completely. “You okay there?” she asks, and you nod. “Yeah, I was just thinking about some song lyrics, don’t worry about it.”

“Well, I hope those song lyrics have something to do with that sign over there that says Hollywood and literally proves that we are, in fact, in Los Angeles about to start Hell Week. This is all becoming so real now,” she starts to ramble on excitedly about how y’all were really genuinely truly there in Los Angeles, about to perform in front of world famous artists all over again, and hopefully make it through to live shows where you would then go on a world tour for many months until the winner was finally revealed. You take a deep breath because quite honestly, all of this was very stressful, and as excited as you were, you were also scared. If you would happen to get through to the live shows, that means that you would probably have to drop out of the university in Tokyo that you worked ridiculously hard to be able to attend. But on the other hand, you’d finally be doing what you’ve always wanted to do.

As much as you loved going to school, actually being able to perform your songs in front of people is what you’ve always wanted to do. You just put it on the back burner because living in a society where getting a degree means getting a good job resulting in earning more money means your dreams need to wait. But there’s also that nagging fear of what if you don’t even get through? Or even worse, what if you don’t and Mina does, or if you do and Mina doesn’t. You two have been attached at the hip ever since the beginning of university, so being here with her albeit great, was also scary. And what if you both did make it. What would happen to Nyx? Could you bring her with you? And even then, would you have to quit your job? What if you made it to live shows but eventually the world decided you weren’t what they wanted, do you just go back to living a normal life like nothing ever happened? And what if-

“(Y/n)? Are you okay?” you hear Shinsou’s voice and feel a large hand grasp onto yours. You hadn’t even realized you’d zoned out, but Shinsou did. And he could tell your little zone out episode wasn’t necessarily a good one. He starts rubbing your hand with his thumb to try and help you out, calm you down a bit, and it does work. You nod your head, giving his hand a light squeeze. “I’m okay. Just thinking,” you assure him and he raises an eyebrow. “You’re sure?”

“Yeah, I’m good. I promise.”

“If you need to talk about anything uh… I’m here for you, you know that right?” he says, low enough that Mina and Denki can’t hear him. You give him a small smile. “I know. And I’m here for you if you need anything too… so.”

“Can you two stop flirting? We need to get to the hotel and get ready for the hardest week of our lives!” Mina shrieks, and you both let go of each other’s hands. For now, you do your best at pushing all the fears your brain is conjuring up inside you to the very back of your mind. Who knows. Maybe this week will change your life.

Picks & Pens (I)

Hi! This is a brand new series for our boy Sirius Black. It’s a rockstar!au in modern days. I really hope you like it, I had the idea over a year ago and had a little something in my drafts but only now got to write it the way it deserves. Enjoy!

Chapter One: Press

Warnings: language

Word count: 1,7k

a/n: I know nothing about press or the music industry, so forgive me for any mistakes lol

Sirius Black. What a perfect name for the typical arrogant and condescending rockstar who had just been declared artist of the decade by the magazine you worked for. Unfortunately for you, he also happened to be your ex-boyfriend.

You two had met in high school, way before he got famous. He already wrote music back then, you being one of the very first people to ever listen to it. Some of those songs were quite big hits today and you genuinely liked them, but that didn’t mean you liked him. At least, not anymore. Your relationship had ceased to exist seven years ago. What is it that people say about fame? Oh yes, it changes you.

As you walked past the countless desks in that white-walled office with tall windows, the latest edition of the magazine in hands, you thought about your boss’ proposition. She wanted you to interview the “artist of the decade” for the February issue – it was coming out on Valentine’s Day and she wanted an article about Sirius Black’s muse and writing process. According to her, it was impossible that there wasn’t a girl behind the lyrics of his songs, even though the man had been single for years now. You had told her you’d think about it and answer the next day. Well, today was the next day.

Brenda, your boss’ assistant, was on the phone when you approached her desk. She raised a finger at you as if to say “hold on” and kept talking to the person at the other end of that call. You knew better than to interrupt her, so you patiently waited.

“No freaking way, Rebecca! I told you he was going to the party regardless of what Charlie said! Now, don’t get me wrong, I think you’re much smarter than Mackenzie, but she’s got a point.”

You inhaled deeply, fighting the urge to roll your eyes. Was it naive of you to assume that people only took business calls during business hours?

“I’m wheezing! Literally dying! Oh God...” Brenda giggled. “Well, I gotta go. I’m at work. What? Bitch, you called.”

You watched as she hung up the phone and gathered some loose sheets of paper from her desk, organizing them in a pile.

“Brenda?” you said, catching her attention. “I’m here to see Mrs. Lennox. Could you announce me?”

“She’s busy.”

“Uhh… She asked me to come by her office at ten and it’s… ten.”

Brenda sighed and picked up the phone again, pressing the interphone button. “Mrs. Lennox? Sorry to bother, but Y/N says she’s here to see you. Yes. Not a problem. Okay.”

She hung up and went back to putting her sheets into piles. You raised an eyebrow at her before she finally looked at you and spoke as if it was obvious. “Go in!”

Was it unprofessional to flip off a coworker?

You opened the door slowly and found Mrs. Lennox sitting by her desk with her eyes focused on her computer screen. She looked at you and smiled, gesturing for you to come see what she was working on.

“These photos just came in. Look at him! Isn’t he just so handsome?!”

And there he was. His signature guitar lazily laying between his legs as he had one hand resting on it and the other supporting his weight. He was sitting on a white… box-shaped stool? The background was also white, contrasting to his all-black outfit.

“I think I want these in black and white, what do you think?”

“There isn’t much color in them anyways,” you though out loud.

“Oh…” Mrs. Lennox eyed the entire picture. “You’re right. Black and white it is,” she wrote it down on her notepad.

You kept looking at the photo displayed across the large computer screen. The little shit was handsome, there was no denying that. The problem was what was behind that smirk – arrogance, selfishness and a big big sense of self-importance.

“So?!” your boss’ voice snapped you out of your memories. “Have you thought about our conversation yesterday?”

“I have,” you walked around the desk and sat in front of the older woman as she took off her red cat-eye glasses. “But I need to ask you something first.”

“Go ahead.”

“Will it bring attention to the fact that I am his ex-girlfriend?”

“What do you mean, sweetie? Everyone already knows.”

“I know, but… will it be focused on that? Yesterday you mentioned that it’d be great to have some sort of reunion and that the public would love it. Your idea is an intimate interview, just the two of us in the room and all.”

“Yes...”

“I understand it. I agree that the conversation flows better that way, because the interviewees usually feel more comfortable with less people around and no cameras. However, this is my job. Just my job. I don’t want it to be publicized as a reunion with my ex-boyfriend. This is me, a journalist, interviewing him, a musician.”

Mrs. Lennox looked at you for a while, as if she was trying to read your thoughts. She placed her hands together on the desk and took a deep breath.

“Listen, Y/N. I’ve got to be honest with you. The subject that will be discussed in this interview is interesting, yes. A lot of people are curious about his lyrics. Myself included. But frankly? Anyone can ask him questions about that and put it on a website or a magazine. Anyone. Would it sell? Of course! He’s the artist of the decade, everyone adores him. Now, imagine if the person interviewing him is actually a former girlfriend. And not any girlfriend, but his high school sweetheart. The girlfriend from the very beginning of his career. The person who was there when some of the biggest songs of this entire decade were being written. It will sell like water in the desert, Y/N! This is really good for press.”

“So this is why you picked me, of all people. Press,” you looked down and bit your inner cheek. “I’m a journalist, Mrs. Lennox.” You looked back at her, “I am part of the press. And I know how they will eat me alive after this interview. They will chase me around, paps will hunt me everywhere. The whole nightmare will start all over again. Even after seven years, I still get the occasional question about him. After this interview, though? There will be no peace. And, as a matter of fact, I’m not quite sure if I like the idea of having my personal life used as marketing. God, I’m not even sure if I do want to ‘reunite’ with him.”

“I see,” Mrs. Lennox leaned back on her chair. “What is your answer, then?”

You looked in her eyes, thinking about the last three years you worked for her magazine. She was by far the best boss you’ve ever had. She took you under her wing and gave you enough space to explore your full potential and truly shine. She bent backwards for you several times in the past, helping you build your name in journalism. There was nothing in this world that she could ask that would make you think twice before attending. Nothing, except this.

However, there was a side of you that wanted to see him again. To speak to him again. Hear him talk again. A very curious side of you, that needed to see how he would act around you after so many years of no contact. Would he treat you like every other interviewer? Would he be as self-absorbed and pompous? Would he answer to your questions truthfully? That side of you would die to find out.

And that side won. Along with all the respect you had for your boss and the extra payment she offered the day before, of course.

“My answer is yes. I will interview him.”

Mrs. Lennox smiled widely, but before she could say anything, you added. “Under one condition.”

“Oh, Y/N. What is it?”

“It won’t get publicized as a reunion. Please, Mrs. Lennox, don’t publish it with something like ‘Sirius Black interviewed by former girlfriend’. Just put my name in there and let the press do their thing around it. That’s all I ask. Please.”

Mrs. Lennox eyed you for a while, just like before. She always seemed to crave the power to read minds, maybe even control them. She bit her lower lip and adjusted her wedding ring, looking down at her notepad now.

“Well, it does look good to treat it like it’s so casual. Like you’re still friends and it’s no big deal. You did end things amicably, after all.”

Right…

“Okay, Y/N,” she nodded. “It will be just your name, no mentions of the relationship.”

“Thank you, Mrs. Lennox.”

“Right. Look, Y/N, this interview is very important for us. Please, keep that in mind. I expect a really good show of professionalism on your part. The subject might be delicate to deal with, given your past, but I trust that you won’t leave out any details pertinent to the writing of this article.”

“You have nothing to worry about. The subject won’t be delicate at all.”

You hoped you didn’t sound insulted, because you did feel your ears burn slightly with the insinuation that you might care if he wrote songs about some other girl. You absolutely did not. It’s been seven fucking years.

“Great. That settles it, then. I will look into scheduling this interview now,” she clicked on her mouse and put her red cat-eye glasses back on. “I am predicting it will take place within two weeks from now, so no trips out of town during this time!”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“You can go back to work now, sweetie. If anything comes up, I’ll e-mail you.”

“Okay,” you stood up and grabbed your latest edition of the magazine, remembering why you had brought it in the first place. “Oh! By the way, there’s a typo on page forty-five of the January issue. Printing started this morning, so I think there’s still time to fix it before we lose too much material.”

“Y/N! What would I do without you?! Page forty-five, you say?” she immediately wrote it down on her notepad. “I knew I couldn’t trust Henry on this.”

“He’s a good kid,” you shrugged. “He’ll get the hang of it.”

“Right, right… Ask Brenda to call him on your way out, will you?”

“Of course,” you nodded, already feeling bad for Henry’s ears.

The next couple of weeks were going to be interesting, though.

********

I know I’ve been doing a whole fic on Chrollo but I thought this would be cute (It starts out really sad but I promise it gets cuter) this is just kind of a normal boyfriend AU that I’ve had in my head for a long time because I genuinely think it’s kind of adorable and even though I suck at writing affection and cute content I really wanted to write this so, hope you likey~

You hung up the phone on your mom, not able to handle the pressure from her anymore. Tears fell down your face and pattered onto the concrete below. Enough. You couldn’t take her yelling, her threats, her flat out abuse anymore. Enough was enough. You wondered if he was home, though you weren’t sure you wanted to bother your boyfriend with your problems again. You knew Chrollo would try to help you if he could, however, there wasn’t much he could do other than soothe you and talk to you.

You: Hey, are you home?

It would probably take a while for him to respond, so you got up from your couch to make something to eat. You might as well try now rather than have Chrollo force you to later. The chill from your fridge made you shiver the second it hit your body. A glance around the shelves told you there wasn’t much to eat to begin with. Sighing, you shut the door a little harder than you probably should have, the slam being accompanied by a few bottles of condiments falling over on the inside. You groaned, realizing if anything spilled you’d have to pick it up later. It wasn’t even that big of a deal to clean up a mess, but everything just felt like it was piling up.

Your mom being an asshole, this little mess, you cat being sick to her stomach all the time and you didn’t know why, the library being closed due to illness. Everything seemed to be against you for the time being and you were beginning to feel the toll being taken on you physically and mentally. You never felt like eating or even bathing, your hair greasy for the past 4 days and body odor most likely radiating off of you. A buzz notified you of his reply.

Chrollo: Yes, why? Are you alright?

You: No...

Chrollo: Would you like to talk about it?

You:...yes...

Chrollo: Alright. No one is here but me. You’ll be okay.

Instantly, you grabbed the keys for your car. You didn’t even look good, though you were sure he wouldn’t care either way. Once you dropped into the drivers seat, you simply threw your hair up in a bun so you would look a little less messy. He was still your boyfriend after all and you didn’t want to seem like a total wreck, despite the fact that you were anything but okay as of right now. You then thought about the smell you had accumulated and snatched up the stick of deodorant you kept in your car. It was a little melted due to the heatwave but it would do for now. 

Traffic wasn’t too bad thankfully. Finally, something that didn’t make you feel like the universe hated you. A few stoplights and some back roads later, you had arrived at your boyfriends small house in the middle of practically nowhere. Just like he had promised, none of Chrollo’s friends were there to accompany him. You shot him a text, letting him know you were there while you got out of your car to lock the doors. Sniffling, you climbed the dark wooden steps to his front door. It swung open before you even had the chance to knock.

Chrollo stared down at your red, puffy face. You sniffled again, wiping your eyes to avoid any tears that would try to come out. He moved to the side to let you in.

“I assume it was your mother again?” his voice was so comforting. Soft, gentle, reverberating through your brain and touching every neurotransmitter that elicited a dopamine reaction in your head. You could listen to it all day if you really wanted to. You nodded in response, plopping down on his couch and curling into a ball against the arm. You rested your head on your hand, keeping your eyes forward while Chrollo came to sit next to you. He leaned forward to get a good look at your face as he spoke.

“So, what’d she do this time?” he tried to make some sort of conversation. You were slightly surprised he didn’t offer you anything today. Maybe he just knew you’d decline anything he had. You did every other time, but it was still nice to heard him offer. You sighed.

“I don’t even know what I did this time! I was just asking her about this weekend since she said she wanted to see me and she went off!” you explained. You hands flew up in the air, showing how upset you were about the whole thing. Chrollo nodded.

“Do you mind if I ask what you had planned with her this weekend?” he continued to try and gain some sort of information to help. “Just about the hotel thing she wanted to do. Remember when she asked me if I wanted to do a hotel thing, just to chill out with her and her friend? Yeah, well, that’s not happening...” you felt tears start to well in your eyes. It wasn’t that your mother had said she wouldn’t do it, it was just that you no longer wanted to even bother in it with her. You were just supposed to go over there for the weekend since you hadn’t seen her in a long time and she suggested hanging out together at a small hotel downtown. Of course, she decided on a whim that she’d invite her friend Angela with the two of you. You figured this would turn out bad, considering everything she ever suggested had turned out bad, but you had obliged anyway, thinking this time might be different. God had you been wrong.

“She decided last minute she was gonna take Angela with us and of course for some reason Angela decided not to like me that day so she told my mom something that literally didn’t even do!” you were crying again now. Not entirely sobbing, but the hot tears rolled down your face and slid off your chin. A sighed sounded from Chrollo’s mouth. He obviously didn’t know much of what to do for you. His hand reached out and wiped the tear from under your chin. 

“Would you like anything to eat? Anything to drink?” he instead turned to making offers that he though might potentially help you feel better. The sudden change in subject ticked you off, but you didn’t let it show through. You knew he was just trying to help in the best way he knew how. You turned your red and teary eyes away from him again. 

“A movie you’d like to watch? We can play a game or something if you like. I’m sorry, I don’t know much of what to say, but I don’t like seeing you upset like this.” his warm hand rested on your shoulder, his thumb rubbing gentle circles against your skin. You sat up straighter. 

“Just go ahead and get me some cranberry juice or something... I’m not too hungry...” you replied quietly, standing to make way for the tv. Your eyes scanned over the realm of movies he had in place for nights when the two of you had nothing better to do. Romantic Comedy, Horror, Thriller, Adventure, and not to mention the movies and shows he had on the platforms installed in the tv. You heard him shuffling around in the kitchen, pouring glasses of what was probably your cranberry juice. A few cabinets opened and closed which meant some food would be made as well. You hadn’t been hungry, but Chrollo would insist that you ate something.

He came back, setting down a steaming bowl of something you assumed to be a soup he made for you when you came over. A thin, dark purple liquid filled a glass next to the bowl. Chrollo sat down on the end of the couch, leaning back. You slipped a movie in to watch for the time being and turned to him.

“Come here.” he spoke gently, patting his lap. You smiled and followed the little command. You set yourself up against his chest in his lap, taking the cranberry juice to your lips while Chrollo pulled a blanket from the back of the couch to cover you with. You didn’t really pay attention to what you had put in, but you enjoyed it. Seemed to be a mix of horror and comedy that made the two of you laugh. Chrollo didn’t say much, but you found yourself yelling at characters who made dumb decisions and laughing when you had been right.

“I swear they’re dumb...” you shook your head, Chrollo chuckling next to you. He held on of his hands on the small of your back, moving in circles every now and then. The other rested on your thigh near your knee for extra comfort as well as to hold you closer to him. You had felt a lot better now. You nearly forgot about your mom at this point and didn’t really want to bother thinking about her.

“Okay, I’m bored now, we should listen to music or something.” the suggestion was abruptly made immediately after the movie had finished. Even Chrollo gave you a surprised look.

“Oh? What do you want to listen to?” he scrolled through his phone to look for a playlist. You peeked over and eventually took the phone right out of his hands, picking out the playlist labeled with your name to see if he had added anything new. He had, but there was one song you really wanted to listen to. It had been your favorite for a long time and when you first found out that Chrollo had added it onto his phone, you had been beaming about it for days.

You connected his phone to the tv to let the surround sound speakers in his living room blast the music back to you. You turned your body to face Chrollo while still sitting in his lap. Your body naturally started bouncing to the rhythm. Your head bobbed with the beat, your lips moved in sync with the lyrics, and your hands danced around his chest. Chrollo simply watched you, admiring your every move as you danced and laughed on his lap. A smile played on his lips. Eventually, he found himself moving along too. His head lolling around lazily to the beat with your stronger movements.

Your fingertips played along his chest, poking and prodding when certain words came up. You sang loud and ugly but you didn’t care for the time being, instead singing louder. Chrollo fake cringed at your bad singing and you scoffed teasingly, hitting his chest while he chuckled again.

“You seem to be in a better mood.” he commented, trying to be louder over the music. You just gave him a smile.

“I am~ and it’s all because of you.” you grabbed him by the chin and gave him a light peck on his soft lips. His brows furrowed.

“I don’t think it was me in all, wouldn’t you say? I made you dinner but that was it, you did the music and the movie by yourself dear.” Chrollo always gave you credit for good things, and you appreciated it endlessly. A blush painted your cheeks, but you weren’t embarrassed. Instead, you gave him another peck on the cheek and nuzzled your face in his neck.

“Thank you for trying though, I appreciate it more than you know...” the words came suddenly before you could even think about them. A jolt against your body and a grunt indicated Chrollo’s surprise at those words. It wasn’t like this was the first time you’d said something like this to him. In fact, you told him these things all the time, yet he always seemed not to expect it. His large hand rested on your back, rubbing lovingly.

“Anytime love.” 

That Night

Namjoon x reader smut Dis: reader is feeling some sort of way towards Joon after the ‘incendent’ A/N: I’m trying here

It’s too late for this. I want to be home right now in my bed watching my favorite show but right now, I’ve been stuck here looking at his back for the last 4 hours.  He’s been hunched over his desk writing lyrics all day. The pressure with the new album has been getting to him I can tell but everytime I ask him how he’s feeling he just tells me some weird philosophical shit and goes back to writing. So far the most interaction we’ve had has been when he asked me to go get coffee for him. My phone beeps. I take it out of my pocket to see that it was Hobi asking me to bring him some food to the dance studio for him. I giggle slightly at his request for Sprite and a Cheese-burger. Slipping on my shoes I stand up to head to the door “ Hey, i’m going to take Hoseok some food real quick i’ll be back.” He doesn’t say anything, just nods and I make my journey to the break room and grab the goods and make my way to the dance studio. While walking to the dance studio I contemplated my situation. He has been in such a weird mood lately I can’t describe it ever since the incident. We were in a very compromising position...well as comprising as me moaning his name with my legs in the air as it can be. For some reason I think he was more embarrassed then I was. Needless to say I felt very bad for Jimin’s eyes that day the door still has a few cracks in it from when he slammed it. Ever since Namjoon has been in a weird mood all the time. A blush creeps up my neck as I think of that night. I don’t know if it’s from embarrassment or from excitement. I remember it so well. We were so excited to have finished the album so excited in fact that he hugged me which he never does. I remember how he looked at me before kissing me with such need. It was like he was trying to devour me. Soon our hands started roaming up and down each other’s bodies and well you can guess that things escalated. However, just as we were getting to the good part, face in between my legs on his shoulders. Jimin walks in with the other boys behind him but they didn’t see anything due to Jimin slamming the door and saving the last of Namjoon’s and I’s dignity. To this day Jimin still can’t look me in the eyes….poor boy. The sight of Hobi crouched down in front of his phone was quite a funny sight. When he heard me come in he ended what I guess was a VLive and eagerly walked over to me. I  guess his hunger was more important than the millions of fans that were watching him just a few seconds ago. After taking a few bites he looks at me in amusement but with a hint of pity. “ soooooo.” I cut him off “ I don't even want to talk about it.” He snorts as he tries to laugh. “ He’s still not talking to you.” “ Of course he talks to me, he has to if he wants his coffee in the morning” Hobi gives me a look of ‘you can’t be serious’ “ Fine, fine! No he has not talked to me about what happened and to be honest i’d rather not talk about it.” Hobi holds his hands up in defence “ whoa, I’m not to one who got caught.” “ Oh shut up.” He burst out laughing then continued on his food. I decided to take the long way back to Joon’s studio. I need to mentally prepare myself to be in the same room as him. I do wonder what would have happened if Jimin hadn’t walked in would it had escalated further or would you guys have stopped there. The feeling of dread creeps up as you reach the door to his studio and punch the new code. He changed it after the incident. I was not ready for the sight of a shirtless Namjoon in the studio. He looks like a deer in headlights. We make eye contact for several long seconds before I turn away, cheeks red and he puts on a new shirt. “ Sorry I spilled coffee on my shirt and had to change” he says trying to ease the tension in the room. Now if only he could ease the tension in between your legs….. Wait…..shit. You seriously did not just think that. I need to sit down and try to think of other things. The shirt he changed into is a plain white one that fit his muscles so well. If only his fans knew how buff and big this guy really is like, he’s massive. I didn’t realize I was staring at him so long till I saw him begin to turn to look at me. Trying my best to make it look like I wasn’t looking at him I quickly look down at my phone to try to make it look like I was doing something. “Y/N.” Damn his voice is so sexy when he says my name. “ Yes, Namjoon” “ Could you please get me another coffee.” and like that he turns back around without another word and goes back to working on lyrics. It was a short trip to get him his coffee. I looked at my watch to see it read 3AM. God can I just go home already and sleep. When I get back I gently put the coffee on his desk and he nods in appreciation. I got a whiff of him, dear lord does he smell good. Suddenly another wave of heat goes through me and now the want to leave only increases. Now I have a mission when I get home and it’s to get rid of the need to fuck him as soon as possible, and to do that i’m gonna go home and masturbate until it’s hurts. Sitting back down I cross my legs to try to relieve at least some of the pressure between my legs. I need something to distract me and what better way than to read smutty fanfiction. Another hour passed by the amount of pure filth I've read is amazing. Namjoon suddenly stood up and started stretching. I can’t at this point but to shamelessly stare at this building of a man. I can see the trails of little hair that go down into his  jeans. I don’t even notice that he saw me staring at him. It was at this moment I realized that I can’t take this sexual tension anymore. “ Well this has been a very long night. I really need to get home” I turn to grab my purse but stop when I feel a large hand grab my wrist and spend me back to where Namjoon and I are face to face. Literal centimeters apart from each other. He looks at my lips then back to meet my eyes. He speaks in a hush tone. “ Why won’t you talk to me?” Um…what. I think my confusion showed on my face because he takes a step back and runs his fingers through his mullet. “ I just m-mean that you haven’t talked to me since the incident.” Oh my god don’t tell me that all this time he thought that I was avoiding him this entire time. A small “oh” was the only thing to come out of my mouth before I started laughing and I feel like he didn’t like that response. “ ‘oh?’ that's all you have to say. I’ve been sitting here thinking that you hate me for the past week and all you have to say is ‘oh’” I look at him flabbergasted while struggling to hold back my laughter “I-I-...wait no you’ve been the one not talking to me.” he looks at me for a moment before it clicks what was going on. His face falls into his hands as he does a facepalm then he nods his head a little.He looks back up at me and says “ so you mean to tell me that we’ve been avoiding each other because we thought the other person was avoiding us.” I slowly nod my head. He chuckles to himself before sitting down in the chair and looking at me. “ I guess this is kinda funny in a ironic way.” He laughs and just looks at me. I can’t believe him, 148IQ and he pulls shit like this. I am genuinely flabbergasted by this man like how can someone be so smart yet so dumb.  Maybe it was the tiredness or maybe it was the heat pooling between your legs but something compelled me to just throw caution to the wind. So I walked up to his chair, grabbed him by his collar and kissed him. He was caught off guard by it but then he started to kiss me back and pulled me closer to where I had to sit on his lap. We started making out,biting, sucking, the whole shabang when we started feeling eachother up he pulled away with hesitation. Looking down at him with his slightly swollen lips and tousled hair it was a beautiful site so much more different then the fanfics i’ve read about him. “ I really don’t think we should be doing this.” My heart breaks a little as I get up off him feeling humiliated and make my way to my bag, I hear him moving around behind me and something rustling and some clicking noises.  Turning around I see that he has his coat on and has shut down the computers. “ I really don’t want to get caught again, so your house or mine?” He asks as he zips up his coat. I look at him with a WTF do you mean face and he just looks at me and says “ My house then.” I don’t even know how but somehow I am in a car with THE Kim Namjoon on my way to his house. Okay heart come down you’re beating a little too hard, but can I blame myself? I know what’s about to happen but still I can’t help but to be excited. Come on Y/N pull yourself together you’re a grown woman you’ve had sex before and he’s a grown man. Granted you don’t know much about about his sex life but I know he’s had a few one night stands here and there while on tour. Shit, what if I get fired for this? Was this just a pity fuck? He’s staring out the window right now, what if the same thought is going through his head right now? He’s doing that jaw clench thing oh shit what if this really is a pity fuck god that would be really embarassing. I knew I shouldn’t have kissed him fuck fuck fuck…. “Y/N.” “Yes?” He turns and looks at me, “ I’m sorry about not talking to you. I just thought you needed space.” wow way to do a whole 180 on the sexual tension between you guys and make it sentimental. “ It’s ok-” “No it’s not, I should have just taken initiative and talked to you. I was just embarrassed about the whole Jimin walking in on us and I felt like you were avoiding me out of embarrassment. I u-um I really like you Y/N but I know you could get in trouble with the company if we try to do anything, it was hard enough to get the boys to keep quiet about what happened.” He’s ramling “Joon, what are you trying to say?” I try to get him to talk slower so I can understand what he’s saying. “ I’m trying to say that… I really like you like realllly like you. I know however, that if you would be willing to have a relationship with me that we would have to keep it low-key.” wait…. is he asking me out right now. Shit I don’t know what to say to this. I know millions of people who would kill to be in this situation. But do I really want to be hidden from the world and live my life in fear if anyone found out. I’ve know this man for the past 4 years and I didn’t realize the years of romantic tension that has been building between us. If I did date him that means I have to quit my job, I mean, I’d definitely be set up for life with Namjoon. And if we break up what happens then? I won’t have a job to go back to. I think i’ve been quiet for too long cause his face starts to drop, “ I mean if you don’t want to that's ok.” wait no “ Joon I don’t know. It could mean that I have to leave my job. Don’t get me wrong I would love to, but you see what the fanbase does when they see a girl in your lives they’ll crucify me if they knew I exist.” “ But think about the ones who don’t care, Y/N. At some point those fans have to realize that I’m in my mid 20’s and at some point I have to move on and have my own family and life.” I think it over, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if we give it a try. “ Ok Joon” His eyes lit up, then he grabbed my face and kissed me. We are in his bed and everything feels so good. His bare chest is pressed against mine. We couldn’t even make it to the bedroom before we started stripping each other, pressing kisses wherever we could before clumsy making our way through his large home to his bedroom. I’ve never been inside of his house before but in that time I did notice that it was very modest in its decorations. By the time we got to his room I was only my bra and panties and him in his boxers. He’s kissing me so hard that I actually think that my lips are bruised. He puts his hand on my back to guide me on his bed as he kisses me and gently puts me on my back and settles between my legs. I can feel his getting hard while he grabs my face and deepens the kiss he pulls back for a second. “Y/N, are you ok with this.” I take a look at him and finally take in how he looks; hair disheveled from me running my hands through it and pulling on it, He was breathing hard and I can see all of his muscles moving. If only the fans knew how built this guy it’s not just that he was musculare he was just big. Every part of him was big and I mean every part of him from his shoulders all the way down to his thighs. I nod and he pushes me back down into the pillows to continue what we were doing before. Soon he started grinding into me slow and steading making me grow wetter with every slow movement his dick had grown harder by then to the point where I was actually concerned if it would even fit inside me. I let my hands roam around his body feeling his every muscle twitch. He started to spread the kisses down my neck sucking and biting, then down to my chest where he unclipped my bra to get fully to my breast. Joon had started sucking on one of my nipples while playing with the other one, teasing it causing me to moan. Smirking up at me he began to trail down further the lower he got the more I noticed how hard I was panting in anticipation for what was about to happen. This isn’t like I had Imagined it was slow and passionate, not rough and frenzied like I had wanted but this was so much better. Looking at my panties he looked up at me smirking, “ Do you wear paties like these everyday.” I nod not wanting him to know that I do wear granny panties most days while thanking God I decided to go with the black thong today. He started pulling them down a couple tugs later they were completely off. Before he could do anything else he stood up and walked to his drawer pulling out a condom and holy shit it’s a king size. Suddenly his phone buzzed on the dresser he walked over to it to see who it was then a look of annoyance on his face is very evitable on his face as he answeredhis phone, “Hello… Right now?... Okay...Yes, Jimin...Okay I’m on my way.” Of course it’s fucking Jimin that has to ruin the moment. Maybe this is a sign. My thoughts are intrupted when I’m shoved back on the bed by a very annoyed Namjoon, oh boy I think this moment just took a turn. I didn’t even realized he put the condom on before he settles inbetween my legs and looks back at me waiting for me to give my approval I nod my head again then in the matter of seconds he lines himself up and begins pushing into me. A few moments later he’s completly inside of me then he dips his head lower to my ear and wispers “ I’m not going to let him ruin this moment for me again.” then proceeds to thrust in and out of me at first slow and steady it felt so sweet having him be inside me filling me up. He does somthing that I didn’t expect though, he pulls out then flips me over onto my belly and goes back in going even herder then he was going before. Wrapping one arm around my throat and putting the other on by the side of my head I can hear his heavy breathing in my ear. “ I’m sorry baby but I have to make this quick they want me back at the studio.” buring his head in the crook of my neck he starts grunting and moaning about how good I feel. By this point I am a moaning mess as I try to reach one arm around to caress his hair but he grabs my hand and pushes it back down. His weight on top of me is sufficating but I love it so much the feeloign of him being inside of me and his thick thighs slamming into mine the lewd sound of skin on skin making me even wetter. I feel my orgasm coming and I start moaning louder he took the hint and moves his hand down to grip my waist making my back arch more has he starts literally drilling into me. Within seconds I became undone under him. He cums soon after with one final thrust. I feel dazed but happy...and really tired so tired I look over to the clock on the nightstand  its 5:30 AM no wonder. His bed is so big and cozy, a girl could get used to this. Joon comes back in the room in clean clothes carring some water and some snacks placing them on the nightstand then sitting on the bed looking at me, “ I have to head back. You can stay here and sleep come in when your ready.” he says as he caresses my hair. I didn’t realize I fell asleep till I woke up hours later in his room I actually thought it was a fever dream. Walking into the studio felt like I was doing a walk of shame down the halls. Walking into Joon’s studio was embarassing to say the least all of the boys were in there and them all stopped talking the look at me. Hobi had a shit eating grin and I knew that he knew not only from that but also from Namjoon’s red face and Jimin seeming mortified. Kookie started laughing, “ I guess we have a new couple.”

yān yǔ

rating: m

genre: romance, fluff, comedy, wayv being absolute crackheads

word count: 1.5k +

pairing: reader x wayv

pt. 4

you were typing up a section of your school report that was due yesterday in the cafe attached to the building that wayv was staying at. you’d been so focused on wayv that you only started it today.

your hands felt numb from typing as you wrote paragraph after paragraph in the afternoon sun with an iced latte. then you feel a hand on your back.

“hi!” kun says smiling. you smile back, you really liked kun. he was always nice to you and the boys and he seemed fun to be around. you just wondered why he was here.

he probably saw the confusion on you face, but ignored it. “what’re you doing?” he asks casually.

“oh im working on a school report.”

he nods, “i miss school.” 

“did you.. go to school?”

 he blushes at you embarrassed.

“nonono not like that” you laugh, “im genuinely curious, when you were training did you go to school?”

“i became a trainee after i finished high school so i didn’t have too unlike most trainees.”

you nod, curious. “do you ever think you’ll want to do any future schooling?”

taken a back by your question he thinks for a moment. 

“ i’d like to get a degree in aviation or aeronautical science.”

you look at him shocked. of course idols could be smart, but for some reason the thought never occurred to you here.

“wow...” you say. “that’s so fascinating... for any particular reason? or,”

he chuckles at how surprised you were. “yeah, i’ve always been interested in aircraft and that aspect of science. i tried to start training for a plane license, but it didn’t work at the time. i think i’ll have to wait a bit before i try again.

you know that “didn’t work at the time” meant that sm didn’t let him move forward with his training and “wait a little bit” meant when he was done performing and in his forties.

you decided not to say anything else, if you could just finish your stupid school work, you’d be free to work on your “plan” that with the boys.

“what do you study?” he questions, expecting you to say journalism or english.

“archaeology and linguistics.” you reply, frowning at your hypothetical coliseum excavation report.

“whoa.” he laughs, he was not expecting you to say that. you had to be crazy smart to study archaeology. and linguistics? no wonder you knew chinese you probably knew multiple languages. you were such a mystery it was astounding.

“that’s... um...” before he can embarrass himself even more or trip over words and blush in your face, he remembers why he came to see you in the first place.

“oh, when you get a chance, we wanted to talk to you in our room.”

“sure, i can come now if that’s okay”

he nods and smiles again. so you pack up your laptop. “am i allowed to be in your rooms?” you question.

“well, not exactly. but its not like we’ve never had strangers in there. as long as the staff members don’t come in,” he stops talking and faces forward red cheeked yet again.

because you didn’t have to think too hard on what type of strangers they would let into their bedrooms.

“its okay. i’ll put my hair up in a hat and if any of them come in they’ll just think i’m winwin.”

kun laughs hysterically at this and you grin. you liked making him laugh.

when you entered one of the boys bedrooms it was like you were a convict walking into a court hearing. all of the boys sat stone faced on the beds looking up at you.

then, amidst the thick quiet you hear xiaojun yawn, then winwin punches his exposed stomach for some reason and xiaojun squirms backwards falling on ten who yells hysterically and accidentally hits lucas in the face.

while all this is happening kun doesn’t blink an eye and looks at them with an “im done with these crackheads” look and just stands beside you.

you just stand there wondering how they possibly fit that many grown men onto a single bed.

after they finish whatever they were doing they become stone faced again and you're forced back up to the podium for your trial.

“i brought her here because we decided to talk about the thing” kun says trying to jog their memory.

“what thing?” lucas asks.

“ya i don’t remember anything about that.” hendery adds.

“after the cooking show?” kun says through gritted teeth.

“what cooking show?” hendery says, actually lost.

kun blinks once, twice then pretends like hendery never spoke in the first place.

“we never really discussed the details and our managers shouldn’t be bothering us today. so we wanted to seriously talk about it.”

you nod, like these guys could be serious.

“thanks again for what you did that day,” lucas says, then looking at winwin to say the same. but he pretends not to hear and looks away.

it was fine by you, you didn’t do it for his appraisal, you did it because you wanted to.

the room falls into a kind of stale silence until xiaojun gestures to an electric keyboard resting on their table.

“we hear you can play the piano?”

you death stare ten for telling everyone but he immediately looks away like he has no idea what xiaojun was talking about.

“yes, i use to play a lot more.” 

you really don’t want to play the piano right now. it was a sensitive matter and you’d definitely be awkward.

“can you play it for us?” xiaojun asks

“oh, no i don’t think i can,”

they all start to encourage you to play saying “come on” and “please,”

the piano falls in your lap and you try to protest as they turn it on. your face gets really hot because of this stressful situation. but then you all hear a knock on the door.

“boys? are you in there?”

fear enters everyone's eyes as the manager knocks on the door.

you thought that they weren’t supposed to be here today.

“uuuh just wait a second i’m naked!” yangyang yells.

you look over confused, “ you could’ve just asked him to wait”

before he has time to protest ten grabs you by the arm.

“we have to hide you now!”

“where?”

“i’m just coming to drop off lucas’s jacket he left, and i also wanted to discuss the fan meet  details!” 

“quick!” kun yells, shoving you under the white sheets of the bed closer to the window. as the manager walks in.

“here can i just leave it on the chair?” the manger questions, wondering why ten was lying vertically across the bed.

“um, okay. about the fan meet, the bus schedule has changed to 45 minutes earlier so be ready to leave in the lot at around 9:20.”

he keeps talking about their fan meet details as you majorly overheat under their thick covers. it didnt also help that ten was lying on your stomach literally crushing the air out of your body.

the manager finally leaves after what feels like an eternity and you gasp for air, sitting up.

“aagh!”

they all laugh at you with your messy hair and red face.

“did you really have to lie on my stomach?” ten looks innocently up at you after he rolls down to lie on your upper legs.

“hey i think i did a good job, he didn’t seem to notice anything.”

you stick your tongue out at him in revolt and he tries to grab it so you try to wrestle his hands down to his chest. after you somehow managed to push his hands down, you lean down on his chest as he coughs hysterically.

bet he didn’t like how that felt very much.

the boys were looking at you weirdly. so to break the silence you suggest, “why don’t we finish this in my room? staff members can’t just barge in because i am,”

“not an idol?” yangyang suggests.

“not worth their attention?” winwin adds

“you’re a laaady?” xiaojun says.

“you’re a ghost, like in the sixth sense, where it’s just in the boy’s head, but you’re simultaneously in all of our consciousnesses.” hendery says.

“how come i can touch things then?” you say lifting up ten’s limp arm and then letting it fall back down.

“well... you’re the kind of ghost that has an actual form and..” he trails off and you slowly say,

“ok.... well anyways let’s go there and we can discuss that more later?”

the boys get up and walk outside to enter your room.

you sit on your chair to let the seven boys take the bed. they inspect your room closely.

“wow your room is like way worse than ours.” lucas states looking disgusted around.

“ya you definitely got tricked, this must be a joke.” kun laughs looking at your small quarters.

“umm y/n?” yangyang says while pointing to a white lacy bra you had left on the ground at the foot of your bed.

“oops” you say slightly embarrassed. you go over and put it in your suitcase facing away from them purposely.

“okay,” kun says slightly blushing as well. “now for the details.”

you nod earnestly waiting.

“we want you to write an article about our mismanagement. its okay though, you can do it under a fake name so you won’t be fired, and we’ll give you all the information.”

“we need someone that’s good at writing to make the article readable.” lucas adds.

you laugh for about 30 seconds, and the boys wonder if they said something funny.

“you’re big plan is to write a strongly worded article?”

“well,” ten says. “it would technically be you writing the article.”

“I was going to write a strongly worded article anyways...”

“oh..” xiaojun says defeated. 

“i had something better in mind” you smirk.

they look at you in surprise, you had thought of them.

“do you guys have access to your albums drive on the producers computer?”

“sure” kun replies. “they give us some previews of beats and backtracks for our lyrics. also while yangyang was trying to download animal crossings on a company computer he downloaded a hidden file with the passwords for all sm music producers accounts.” kun glares at yangyang remembering that time.

“what? I didn’t meddle with anything, I could’ve easily adlibbed on sunny side up, but I didn’t because I’m responsible...”

everybody just looks at yangyang for a few seconds before returning to the conversation.

“what i’m suggesting, is you guys make the title track that you’ve always wanted too. do whatever you want, make an amazing track and right as the other title song is about to be released and sent for album production. you switch it out.”

“i don’t know...” winwin states, “wouldn’t they figure it out if they previewed the songs, then we’d be in big trouble.”

“no,” ten says back. “if you’re on the laptop you could just change the file name of the new track to the one they want us to release, and it’d be a single encryption for the producers.”

“how do you know this?” lucas replies.

“yeah you’ve never taken any computer classes hyung.” xiaojun replies.

“hey, we do things a little differently over in thailand. you need to be good a whole bunch of things.” 

“literally one of the only videos that we have of you in thailand is with red spiked hair rapping baby by justin beiber.” hendery yells at ten.

ten’s ears turn red immediately as he yells “okay but i also learned a lot about computers there too!”

“i think you just like to watch a lot of porn on company laptops.” lucas says. 

the boys break out into laughter as ten just slowly nods in agreement.

“do you guys like the idea? we can start working on it right away and I can also release an article on the song so the producers cant recall it.”

“okay.” kun says looking at wayv. “should we do this.” he looks at the others and you feel very out of place so you get up to leave.

“where are you going?” xiaojun asks softly.

“oh, i was just gonna give you guys a minute.” 

the boys look up at you with big round eyes.

“but we want you here.” yangyang says.

“yea, you’re apart of this too y/n, without you we wouldn’t be able to do this.” kun says smiling. 

you feel a large swell of emotions in your stomach at the boys kind words, you sit back down.

“we’re gonna do this.” ten says totally serious.

“we’re gonna do this.” they all respond back nodding.

“yay!” you jump up, “this is gonna be so fun! i can just imagine the coverage this’ll give the article! and you guys of course too is- are important i meant to say that first...” you stopped talking for the good of everyone.

they seem to find it endearing though, as they smile.

“alright then, we’ll start as soon as we get to bejing.” winwin says.

“wait but isn’t that in four days?”

“no y/n, we leave tomorrow, did you not hear the manager, or were you too preoccupied with my big juicy butt?” ten jokes.

“please never refer to your butt as big and juicy again, it was definitely the first one.”

the boys laugh definitely thinking of ten’s butt.

“okay, this has been fun but now i have to pack so..” you say it in a way so the boys would know that they should leave.

“oh, we don’t mind.” lucas says clueless.

“yea you can pack, you really wear the same two sweaters everyday.” winwin says smiling annoyingly.

“okay out for real now, i mean it.” they all get up and leave now, filing out.

they wave to you as they leave and you shut the door promptly. wondering how you got yourself into this mess, and how this was gonna end.

part 5 

30 Day Otome Challenge ~Day 27~

27. Write a short, mini fanfic invoking yourself as the MC and your favorite otome bachelor. Tag it!

Okay, plot twist! It won’t be about Yukiya. I decided to write about Napoleon from IkeVamp just bc I feel like it

Aaaand I often write fanfics, but all of them are in my native language. It’s my first time writing in English, so I’m very nervous. My English isn’t that good so there’re lots of mistakes, sorry for them~

"So now you drink chamomile tea only?"

She shrugged.

"Sebas said I drink too much coffee. That’s why he's hidden it from me. So... yeah. Isaak says I'm kinda furious these last days, but how can a person be happy without caffeine?"

The waiter placed their cups in front of them and she looked genuinely happy. Napoleon smiled and move a sugar-basin closer to her.

"But you get more sleep thanks to it."

"I thought you'd be on my side!"

She was staring intensively, but he seemed to be unshakable. She never felt like she could win against him, not with these eyes of his. That's why she just took a sip, still not looking away.

"Anyway, chamomile tea sounds nice."

She rolled her eyes.

"I've never drunk that much tea in my entire life, and I can assure you my life was long and full!" She froze for a minute and then let out a small laugh, covering her mouth with a hand. "It sounds stupid when I say about a long life to a vampire. You're literally like a grandgrandpa."

"That sounds... offensive."

She leaned onto the table a bit.

"I just wanna show them that I can get myself over the boat even without coffee."

"Doesn't sound like a good plan to me. Want a dessert?'

"I never say no to such things!"

 ///////

"Eriean, why are you still up?"

"Oh?"

He sits next to her, pulling closer to him, almost like hugging. She turned her head to kiss him lightly on the cheek.

"Got lonely in the bed?"

"Yeah" Napoleon rested his head on her shoulder and looked at the notebook in her hands. Pages were all written with crooked handwriting. She blushed a little at his unexpected agreement. "So why? Inspiration?"

"You can say that. I kinda got carried away and it seems like I forgot about time. I was lost in thoughts, so..."

"I've noticed it. You did that cute little 'oh'-of surprise. What are you writing about?"

"Stuff."

Napoleon kissed her neck.

"Stuff?"

"Well, maybe I was writing about you."

"What am I like in your writings?"

She thought for a minute and then turned around to face him, smirking.

"Caring, cute and have pleasant laughter?"

He smirked in return. The remnants of his self-control were slipping between his fingertips.

"Why not 'incredibly magnificent'?"

Eriean shrugged, hugging him. Napoleon instinctively hugged her back. His touch left a trail of flames upon her skin, even with all these clothes, and Eriean felt like she’s about to melt.

"Why don't you prove that 'magnificence' to me?"

  ///////

Napoleon knew something was wrong the moment he saw broken cups in the hall. He had to find Eriean immediately.

He didn't have to search: she was in the attic, in its darker corner, sitting on the floor and hugging her knees.

He sat next to her and put hands on her both cheeks, caressing them and wiping the tears away. He noticed there was a big stain on her dress and her shoulders were shaking. He definitely was having a panic attack.

"Look at me. It's alright, mon сoeur. You can cry if you want. I'll be with you."

Forever. Just like he promised.

Eriean still was shaking in his hands, and Napoleon was hurt to see her like this. He hugged her even tighter.

Then, he remembered a song she was often muttering to herself when she was anxious. Maybe it would be a good idea to sing it, maybe it would calm her down.

Maybe his heart wouldn't be that broken seeing her like this.

"Just close your eyes, the son is going down..."

She moved away a bit to look at him with these impossibly blue eyes just to pull he then even closer.

"You'll be alright, no one can hurt you know..."

His voice was deep and quiet. The best Eriean has ever heard.

"Come morning light..."

They were hugging in the dark attic, listening to each other's heartbeat. Curing each other's pain.

"You and I'll be safe and sound."

  ///////

Sitting in the garden was a good idea. Reading together lying on the grass - even better.

"What's the Internet?"

Eriean put the book down.

"What?"

"I've heard you were talking with Sebas about it a lot."

"Well..." She rolled a bit, moving closer. Always hungry for touching. "We were just talking about the things of our time because of the feeling of a nostalgy. Although It's kinda strange to miss the things that haven't been invented yet."

Napoleon smiled, but this smile didn't reach his eyes. They were impossible to read.

"Do you ever want to go back? Even for a while?"

She took his hand, squizzing it.

"I do think about it sometimes. But it's not that I really want it."

Napoleon was looking at her, encouraging to continue.

"I had a chance to... you know... rewrite the stars. There's no way I'd miss it. I like it here better."

He cocked an eyebrow. Eriean smiled at him gently.

"I met you, Leon. Literally the best thing in my life. Of course, there're some things that I miss, but I won't trade my new life with you for anything."

Napoleon kissed her hand and then moved her so she can lay on top of him. As closer as possible.

"So how do we rewrite the stars?"

She chuckled, leaning her forehead to his.

"It sounds like you know the lyrics of the song."

"So it's a song then? And what are the other lines?"

"Nothing can keep us apart 'cause you are the one I was meant to find."

"Sounds perfect."

Eriean looked at Napoleon attentively, trying to remember this smile forever, print it in her memory for their whole eternity.

"Absolutely."

Scarlet Pimpernel at Lincoln Center (informal review)

I just saw the most amazing show at Lincoln Center last night. I said to someone the other day that I don’t usually write informal “reviews” of limited-run productions because nobody else would probably be able to get tickets to them, but this was something special. It was a one-night only semi-staged version of The Scarlet Pimpernel, which originally ran on Broadway from 1997-2000 and has never yet been revived. A rarely-performed musical, my friend Wren and I discovered it in 10th grade and quickly fell in love with the catchy score but never thought we’d see a professional production.

When I first heard about the Lincoln Center concert, I burst into tears with excitement and thought, “Oh MAN, I wish I could go!” and moped around for a few days. Then I realized, “Hang on, I have some money saved. I have lots of unused vacation days. It’s only a four-hour bus ride away. What’s stopping me from going?” And I am so glad I did. Was it a flawless production? No. Was it painstakingly and meticulously designed and rehearsed? Definitely not. But was it one of the liveliest, most entertaining shows I’ve seen with top-notch vocals, hilarious gags, and tremendous audience response (actors sometimes having to cut off the excessive cheers and applause after certain numbers) that culminated in a 100% standing ovation? All that and a bag of pommes frites.

If you’re unfamiliar with the story, The Scarlet Pimpernel is based on a classic adventure-romance novel by Baroness Emmuska Orczy. Set during the French Revolution, it’s often called the original superhero story, in which a disguised vigilante hides behind a mild-mannered secret identity. When fashionable English gentleman Sir Percy Blakeney suspects his new bride, Marguerite, may be a spy for the French Revolution, he sets off on a mission to rescue innocent people from the guillotine- without his wife finding out. But he and his band of merry men don’t fight terror with terror. No, they employ witty disguises, tricks, and antics, leaving behind the mark of a flower called the Scarlet Pimpernel (Percy’s family crest). Back home, the men escape suspicion by exaggerating their mannerisms into ridiculous caricatures of fancy fops who care more about French lace and silk than French Revolutions.

But when Marguerite’s ex-lover Chauvelin (now a high-ranking French agent) blackmails her into discovering the true identity of the Pimpernel lest her brother die, she little knows how close to home her mission will hit.

It sounds like it could either be an overwrought melodrama or a Looney Toons short- and indeed, it is a bit of both. The musical itself endured many extensive rewrites during its short run, never quite finding the right balance. This concert seems to be a mish-mash of about three different past versions with at least one new song. But despite the jarring shifts between heart-wrenching ballads and silly slapstick in which tap shoes become a valuable component in a duel and executioners are distracted by 123 rampant geese, this performance was so rich in heart, joy, and spirit that the whole audience beamed along.

Of the leading roles, the only one I’d never seen or heard before was Tony Yazbeck, inhabiting the many hats (literally) of the Pimpernel himself. I can confidently say that he gave one of the most brilliant performances I’ve ever seen, period. Although he’s already an accomplished performer, I suspect this one-night show might catapult him to being a massive star. He’s, like, a quadruple threat, with so much stage presence that he shimmers. Yazbeck’s Percy can be ludicrously silly or achingly sincere, powerful or vulnerable, with a powerhouse voice and untiring energy and grace. I was sitting close enough to see all of his facial expressions, however over-the-top or subtle, and he was totally immersed in the character the entire time, sometimes hurling his script to the ground with emotion. (Remember, it was a staged concert with about a week of rehearsal.) He frequently breaks the fourth wall, trying to steal a violinist’s bow, dropping ad-libbed comments, sitting in the audience or dancing down the aisle, without dropping his polished English accent. I can’t wait to see what he’ll do next.

My personal favorite singer, Norm Lewis, co-starred as sinister French operative Chauvelin, who I can best describe as a more seductive Javert who is constantly humiliated by those around him. Having recently seen him in the Music Man, in which he gave a jovial performance but struggled with some lyrics, I was relieved to see that he held his script in hand most of the time here. He still flubbed the occasional word and seemed overly reliant on his script at times, but oh my good golly, I have NEVER heard his voice sound better. He has one of the richest, most powerful voices on Broadway, not to mention a huge vocal range, and this score puts all of it to use. This is the 6th time I’ve seen him live (plus his filmed performances in the 25th anniversary Les Mis concert and NBC’s Jesus Christ Superstar), and every song he sang here sent huge chills up my spine and fireworks off in my brain. Gosh, I love him. I do think Mr Lewis bit off a little more than he could chew doing these two semi-staged concerts only a week apart— he did seem less confident than the other performers— but I still feel so lucky to have seen him in both.

Laura Osnes sparkles as the sensitive and vivacious Marguerite. Her voice is higher and lighter than how I’d heard the role performed before, but she can certainly belt out a tune when required. She gives nuance and genuine feeling to Marguerite’s inner conflict, even joining in a sword fight to defend her husband! Osnes shows remarkable poise, rarely consulting her script. She has especially great onstage chemistry with Corey Cott, who plays her little brother with earnest puppy dog eyes and a strong pop vocal.

Though I didn’t like all of the changes in the song listing, lyrics, and script, I was completely invested the entire time. The able and versatile ensemble took on a variety of roles, from Percy’s merry men to French guards. Drew Gehling gave a particularly scene-stealing turn in the dual roles of Robespierre (stern and sardonic) and the Prince of Wales (utterly zany and wearing a magnificent feathered hat). Backed by a chorus of over 200 people and a full orchestra, the music was nothing short of sublime.

The pared-down nature of the show mostly came across in costumes and props, or lack thereof- Percy’s elaborate 18th century suits were clearly necessary to the plot, but stood out against most characters’ contemporary clothing. Supporting characters merely threw on a cheap-looking accessory or two to connote a different character or disguise, and Marguerite wore modern ball gowns. Sometimes, the script referred to characters changing clothes without the actors actually doing so. Still, the movement and staging was more complex than I had expected, and I was particularly taken by the effective guillotine prop.

All in all, I left the theatre electrified and touched that this huge audience- David Geffen Hall holds 2,738 and this show was pretty much sold out- had all seen and evidently loved this musical that means so much to me, that over 200 people put in so much effort and enthusiasm to bring it to life, and that I got to be there.

Another thing that unexpectedly moved me was Percy’s character arc. I’ve always strangely related to Percy despite not being heroic, rich, or fashionable, but I AM known for being kinda silly and flamboyant. And like Percy, I like to think there’s more to me than that. Although Percy becomes the Pimpernel out of anguish and desperation, he seems to genuinely relish getting to act so weird and over-the-top. He seems so comfortable in his own skin. Even when his identity is unmasked, he continues to be outlandish, even forcing Chauvelin into a tap dance battle. He and his wife desperately love one another, his friends care about him and always have his back, and he’s able to be his true and complete self— strong, smart, and brave, yes, but also in touch with his feminine side, compassionate, theatrical, romantic, and generally outrageous. As someone who feels equally accepted by my loved ones despite my outsized personality, I love this non-conformist romantic hero who proves you don’t have to be macho and grimly stoic to save the day.

“And that is why the lord created men!” Percy sings after springing a trap on Chauvelin. Marguerite and Madame Tussaud, who both helped, cough. “And women!” he sings to cheers from the audience.

I loved this show. I wish you could have been there. I’m heading home on the bus right now and this piece reminded me more then anything how much I value and appreciate all of the people in my life. Onward, ho!

Survey #188

“don’t you try to hide with those angel eyes.”

Would you rather take a walk in the cold rain, or in the blistering heat? Ha, the rain, any day. What is your favorite card game? Magic: The Gathering. If it were revealed that religion in its entirety did not actually exist, would your outlook on life be any different? No. If you had the chance to slip through a portal, despite being aware of any of effects and/or consequences, would you do it? No. Which parent was more strict when you were growing up? Mom. Worst facial hair, in your opinion: The pedo mustache. You know the one I'm talking about. Have you ever eaten dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets? Yes, I like, demanded we get those instead of regular as a kid lol. McDonalds, do you like it or does it disgust you? I honestly don't see why people hate it?? Do you like the state you live in? No. Did you ever own a Tamagotchi? I believe so. What do you hope you grow out of? The laziness I have with chores oops. What is the healthiest and unhealthiest thing you do on a regular basis? Healthiest, drink at least one bottle of water... even though I know that's nowhere near where I'm supposed to be lmao. Unhealthiest, drink soda. What is the most embarrassing thing you own? Ummmm idk. What is the strangest habit you have? I have to go use the bathroom literally right before I lay down for bed. Doesn't matter if I did ten minutes ago, I /have/ to go again because if I feel even a damn drop in my bladder, I can't sleep. What movie made you cry the most? The Notebook, probably. Titanic really got me, too. What was one of the happiest moments of your childhood? Getting my dog. What’s your favorite vacation memory from when you were a child? Watching the fireworks above the castle at Disney World. What impression do you try to give when you first meet someone? I try to be very polite. Who or what inspires you to be a better person? Mark. What’s the TLDR description of your last relationship? I didn't like him like that. If you found out your current life has been just a dream, would you choose to wake up? (You don’t know if your real life would be better or worse.) No. Well... do I ever wake up? If I was going to at some point, then I would, as I'd just be hurting myself by living in a word I would only leave. What dumb thing did you believe for a really long time? I'm not even remotely kidding, I didn't put together what "PMS" stood for and thought it was about mood swings 'n shit *during* your period until a few months ago. Where would you like to retire? I'm not thinking of that yet. What brings you the most joy in life? Talking/being with Sara. How many windows are on the upstairs part of your house? We don't have an upstairs. Do you own many hats? I have a Carolina Hurricanes one somewhere from going to a game with Dad, maybe two actually, but idr where they are or if I even still have them. When was the last time you were kept off school/work etc because of snow? I haven't been in school in a long time and I'm unemployed. Have you ever taken an underwater picture? No. Ever been on a ride and hated every second? Not seriously. I went on one I was terrified of (one of those circles that goes waaay up and then abruptly drops you) just to step out of my comfort zone, but I didn't hate it. Scared tho. What were an average day’s tasks at your favorite job you’ve had so far? I most certainly don't have a favorite. Does your car have a backup camera? I don't have my own car, but Mom's doesn't. Are you working on any goals? Yeah, not going well. :') Do you enjoy reading? Not particularly... I kinda just stopped enjoying it, but I also associate it with the hospital because that and coloring was all I ever did. The only thing I really *enjoy* reading is our RP because I'm so deeply invested in our characters, but even then, I procrastinate reading long posts. I'm genuinely trying to start reading again, though... I used to adore it. Are you interested in politics? No, though I should care. Did/Do you enjoy high school? Not usually 'cuz I was a depressed shit. Have you ever watched The Golden Girls? YES Ma and I love that shit. Did you ever like the Ninja Turtles? No. Ever been in a meaningless relationship? Tyler, yes. Does anything on your body hurt right now? Not at this very instant. Know anyone on birth control? Most girls I know + myself. Would you go swimming right now if you could? Yeah, that'd be nice. How long was your longest relationship? Over 3 1/2 years. What are you looking forward to in the next 3 months? My birthday. Have you ever gone frog hunting? No. Who’s the last person to seriously hurt you? Mom. Do you like getting dirty? NO. Are you a very flirty person? No. Who was your favorite babysitter? "Uncle" Donny. Do you swear? I think I make that pretty obvious. Are you gullible? Not usually. What is the last dream you remember? (describe) A nightmare with Dad that I don't really remember the details of. What is something that you fear will happen to you in the future? (Also why) I'll develop Alzheimer's. "Why" is obvious. Thankfully, it doesn't run in my family at all. Describe the best day that you can remember? First day at Sara's. Describe your worst day? The night of the breakup. What are some of your favorite songs right now? The SYN remix of Slipknot's "Psychosocial," "Incense and Iron" by Powerwolf, the "Closer" cover by Asking Alexandria, "Sex Metal Barbie" by In This Moment... I really have a lot rn. Do you ever have reoccurring nightmares? Describe? I've had four nightmares with my dad, all with horrible themes. I guess you could call that "reoccurring." Name a fictional place you would like to go? Take. Me. To. Azeroth bitch. Stormheim in specific, or Feralas. What criminal (dead or alive) would you like to sit down and talk to and why? None. If you read books, what are you reading now? I'm very, very slowly reading The Fault in Our Stars. Do you think that forgiveness is mandatory to move on from something? No. I still don't know if I forgive Jason, yet I'm over it. Do you believe in the death penalty? In extreme cases, yup. Some people have no right to life following some crimes. What is something you want to do but are scared of actually doing it? Ride a rollercoaster. Name three things you would buy if you had the money to buy them? A PS4, drawing tablet, another tat. Are you in a relationship right now? If so, do you think it’s a healthy one? Definitely! (Follow up) If it’s unhealthy, what makes it that way? N/A Would you ever date someone long distance? I am now. Name a person that you can’t stand and tell us why? My former best friend for a plethora of reasons. What group do you hate the most on Tumblr and why? SJWs. I'll stay away from "why" because I have extremely strong feelings and don't wanna offend anyone. What is the meanest thing you have ever done to someone, and why? Messaged Jason before leaving for the ER, directly blaming him. I mean the cause was what he did, but like... you don't fucking contact someone telling them "hey I'm off to the ER because I'm suicidal because of you." I don't care what I feel about him now, that was fucked up. Have you ever sent anon hate to someone? Nope. If you could write a book, what would it be about? I actually think it'd be pretty cool to create some sorta novel series involving all the RP stories, like divide the books into each mob's story... If you could make one rule that everyone had to follow, what would it be? Don't exhibit violence. If you could star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be? ONE W/ TIM BURTON. In your opinion what is something horrible everyone should try once? ?????????????????????????????? What is the hardest lesson that you have ever learned? Someone can fall out of love with you. What mistake do you keep making over and over again? Jumping to conclusions. If you could have a video of one event in your life, what would the video be? The moment Sara and I met. What is the most illegal thing you have ever done? Pirated a computer game I desperately wanted to play afsjjwoeuqowe I'm glad I don't have it anymore, that guilt. People in the past were buried with things that were important to them, what would you be buried with? The pebble from Holly Hill. What is something you are against, but find yourself doing anyway? Being sarcastic as hell when I'm mad. What was the last photo that you took? A leaf, I think. What are your favorite lyrics from a song? Probably "a bloody war behind my eyes; I'll come all right on the other side." Have you ever hit someone? Who and why? Nicole when we were little for making me mad over something I don't remember. What do you think they should teach in school that they don’t? Basic adult skills. What’s your favorite language? German. It sounds so powerful to me, especially in metal ajsfoawoejaw. What’s the most vivid dream you’ve ever had? I don't remember. Who’s your favorite celebrity? Korean Jesus. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Rebel's Market rip. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? No, far from on my to-do list. I don't support them in the very least. How many tattoos do you have? Six. If you don't have any, have you ever thought of getting one? N/A When's the last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Like, '16 on a sandwich. Are you a good cook? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Do you know how to pump your own gas? No. What do you think about the most? The future. What do you do most when you are bored? Watch YouTube. Which came first: the chicken or the egg? Chicken. What kind of books do you like to read? Fantasy. How far away from your birthplace do you live now? Like, <10 minutes. Ever been stung by a jelly fish? No. Could you cope with the paparazzi if you were famous? FUCK NO SOMEONE WOULD GET KNOCKED OUT. Do you wear foundation? Veeeeery rarely. Would you ever adopt? If I actually wanted kids, sure. Are you sexually active? No. Last person you sang happy birthday to? Sara. <3 Was the last jacket you wore yours? No. Last thing you won? Uhhhh good question. What level of brightness do you usually keep your phone at? A bit above the middle. Have you ever attended a religious or private school? Well, I went to Sunday school. How many cars does your household own? One. What's your favorite meat? Ummmm pork or chicken. What's the best amusement park you've ever visited? Well, Disney World. How old were you when you got your first car? I still don't have one lol. Do you know anyone who's gotten pregnant over the age of 40? I don't think so? Who does most of the grocery shopping in your home? Mom. Are you listening to music right now? If so, what's the theme of the lyrics? "Adrenalize" by In This Moment. Sex, like it seems most of their songs are about lmao. What movie/game/etc. helps you calm down? Shadow of the Colossus. What does your room smell like? Dog, probably. Do you like to organize? Not particularly. What song is your aesthetic? "She" by Dodie is so Soft and Good. Do you believe in auras? Maybe? Idk. What do you wish you hated, but actually like? Blood On The Dance Floor. I've never really looked into the concrete facts, but I know supposedly they've been sexually involved with those underage. I like a good number of their songs, though. Is there someone you have mixed feelings towards? I'm sure there's someone. Do you prefer space or the ocean? Spaaaaace. What form of government do you like the most? (capitalism, socialism, etc.) Honestly? I don't know actually what they are and I don't care enough to research. What do you think our purpose is in the universe? Hell if I know. Is there a song you can’t handle listening to, even though you like it? "Stairway to Heaven." What ex do you miss the most, if you have one? I most miss who Jason was, not who he became at all. But it doesn't matter, I have someone way more important now. What is your favorite thing to learn about? Meerkats. What country’s history do you find the most interesting? Idk. What breakup was the hardest, if you had one? lol y'all know Do you have someone where you can’t decide if you like them romantically or just as a friend? Not anymore. Do you have any strange interests? RP. What is a topic you are uncomfortable with discussing with most people? Sex. What is something you dislike about the dating world? People don't seem to take love seriously. What gives you confidence? Feeling knowledgeable on the subject. Have you ever dated someone with very different sexual tastes than you? No. Well, not that I know of. I've only been sexual with one. Have you ever said anything you regretted while drunk? No. Has anyone ever been extremely jealous of you? Do you know why? Idk. What was the angriest your parents ever were at you? Dad, idk. Mom, probably when I said "fuck you." That was a night. Or when she tried to kick me out of the car for some argument I can't remember. What was the longest you stayed in your own home for? Weeks, I'm sure. Right now, what is your number one desire? Get a job. Do you feel as though someone ‘won’ in your last break up? No. Whatever happened to the first person you ever loved? I haven't spoke a word to him in almost two years, idk and idc really. Are you currently healthy? In some ways, but no in most. What is something most people are turned on by but you’re not? Extremely muscular men, like wrestlers. Has anyone in your life changed drastically (for better or worse) since you met them? How? Not that I can think of. What song reminds you of good times from high school? "All Signs Point to Lauderdale" by AD2R ironically lmao. Have you ever inherited something? What and from who? No. Who is the last baby that you held? Keegan. Do you know of any twins with rhyming names? No. Last time you saw fireworks? Long time ago. Do you have a black dog? Teddy has some black on him. Do you have a top price where ethics and morality are no longer an issue? No. Well, I guess it depends. What is the greatest physical challenge that you have accomplished? Losing ~60 lbs. Have you ever played naked Twister? No. If tattoos didn't hurt and you could get anything, what would it be? The #1 tat I want is dA's NukeRooster's painting "Denialism" (I got her permission), but I'm going to have to go to an extreme professional, and it's gonna be priiiiiiiceeeeeeey. Have you ever been ghosted before? No. Did you ever get caught watching porn? No, because I've never watched it. Were you ever the bully? No. What's the worst prank someone has ever done to you? Idk.

Cotton teeth - the snake the cross the crown

My freshman year of high school was a highly formative time in finding music. I completely understood what a record label did. Less on day-to-day business type of way and on more of a curation level. I understood that record labels exist as touchstone for a scene or a style of music. You could regularly find new artists by simply going to the website for the record label of a band that you currently like, look at the roster, and bam, you’re full up on new music. Hit one of those band names into Limewire or PureVolume, and you’re rolling. This is exactly the method I used to stumble upon The Snake, The Cross, The Crown.

It was kind of undeniable that in the mid-2000’s, there was a scene that existed that was all about screaming and teens with bangs in their face. [Call it emo, screamo, i don’t care. It’s hyper timely and that scene as a whole is long out of style. But that’s okay. If you like it, enjoy it. It rocks it’s exciting.] Plenty of these bands landed on the same few record labels like Victory and Equal Vision, to name a few. I would scroll through websites and just listen and try to find something that spoke to me. Every once in a while, I’d find something that I liked, but usually it would be more of the same. I was sitting in an echo chamber of the scene. Occasionally there would be a weird signing that would be vastly different than everything else on the label. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. When I got to the S’s on the Equal Vision page, I found the band with the long name and their song “Empires”. And I was captured.

The song is twangy and dark. I thought it a good skateboarding song for some reason. (I made a skate video for a high school video project and this was the song. Also looking back, this is not at all a good skate song.) The song offered a perfect bridge into the folk music I would learn to like. The singer croons over a guitar that is slow, but carries momentum. Not sad or desperate; just sentimental. (I wish I could speak on this lyrics in the song, but even after a decade of knowing this song, I have no clue what they are or what they are about.)

For a year or two, I kept this single song on my MP3 players (not always iPods in my day). This was another band I was afraid to venture into in the event that the rest of their music was not very good. I was afraid of shattering my perception of something I held so true to myself. This song lasted as such for a long time, until one night I realized i was a glutton for punishment. I went to the band’s PureVolume page and found another song on the page; “The Sun Tells the Moon”. I genuinely stared at the computer screen for minutes contemplating clicking play or not. Finally, i decided to tempt fate, convincing myself that if it was something I didn’t like I would call myself a glutton for punishment. I clicked play and a kick drum started a tempo, and when the singer rolls in with a high pitch, pulled back wail, I knew I had another song to add to my list.

I was in love. “The Sun Tells the Moon” is a much bigger aggressive song than “Empires” but still not angry like one would expect from mid-2000’s Equal Vision band. At this point, I knew I needed more. I’m two for two. Let’s go. So I found more. I tried two songs that are the two most folky songs from the album, “A Brief Intermission” and “On The Threshold of Eternity.” These two songs clicked with me.

“On The Threshold of Eternity” is a great song with Beatles-esque vocals. Constant acoustic guitar strums keep the song going. The song I take to be about standing in the front of existence trying to make sense of “why am I here”. (Personal interpretation) This is a huge concept to bring into a little folk song. “A Brief Intermission” is a much more folky, storytelling song, but a sorrowful one of a family splintering and a son (child) not really understanding what is going on. Beautiful songs that kept me hooked for years.

It’s not a big secret that I am a fan of The Early November and thus, the lead singer Ace Enders. Once upon a time, he went on tour with The Color Fred (Fred mascharino of Taking Back Sunday) and Craig Owns (Chiodos, Cinematic Sunrise, a million other bands). Mike and I went to go to this show at The Pike Room in Pontiac to see Ace Enders and no one else really, but what we did not know was that Enders dropped off the tour right before hitting Michigan. We go to the show, he’s not there, we are bummed. Trying to find th best in a bad situations, the best part of the night was actually that a local band called The Silent Years opening the show, but that’s another story for another time. After the show, broken hearted, we tried to get as much cheap merch as possible. I bought a Color Fred EP on CD and got an Equal Vision sampler from Craig’s table. You know how car rides home from shows go; you look for something to listen to on the way home, so you grab your new merch and put in the sampler. I saw that there was a TSTCTC song on this sampler that I have never heard. A new song. This song changed my life.

In the rough of young people expelling feelings about girls and being a teen, there’s a gem of a folk song on this sampler that starts off with a deep folky voice that goes “Well if both of these horses just lay up and die…” It starts off with voice and an acoustic guitar. It tells you a story. It’s a father. A song about a dying man (possibly from war) who, as he realized death is upon him, is sharing an ethereal experience with this loves and family in understanding his own passing (personal interpretation). The song walks you through this story and is peppered with explosions of full band performance. After the first explosion, we ease back into more story from dad. It heaves and ho’s until it ho’s on a story beat about everyone coming to terms with the passing and then builds into death catching up to the man. At this point, the song crascendoes into a partial repeat of the first verse and a brand new verse crossing and complementing each other in a loud, open, cohesive mass of music. The song is a masterpiece.

There are more to come.

I believed this song fully. I didn’t change any paths to go get this cd, but I always looked for it when I went cd shopping. Not long after hearing that song, I was at FYE at Great Lakes Crossing, back when it was large enough to cut through the middle of the mall. [Side note, this was a heaven. Such a beautiful place for media. Second and Charles is a spiritual successor.] While flipping through the S’s, i saw a whole divider for The Snake The Cross The Crown. This blew my mind enough. Seeing the new CD, “Cotton Teeth”, blew what was left. Literally the only Equal Vision release with that comes with a sticker on the front to tell you to listen if you’re a fan of The Band. Could anyone ever imagine that? Incredible. I remember telling my dad this is the CD i wanted and he looked that the recommendations sticker, and gave out a little chuckle. He is a fan of The Band. (We are a fan of The Band.) I bought the CD and was so excited to listen to it. Pop it in and guess what: all folk.

“Cakewalk” starts the album with some slow guitar plucking and the singer letting out a direct song about wanting to play music forever (keep this in your pocket). “I want to live on a stage. I want to play the guitar. And I wanna get paid.” All of the lyrics. So simple beautiful. The song starts lonesome and grows into a full band performance with a great drum pattern that includes the whole band. This song is to sing along to. The next song “The Great American Smokeout” reminds me of a campfire song. It sings along in such a fun foot-tapping way, but also has it’s own personal progression. Throughout the song, it sets up patterns and changes them up to keep the song exciting. It would still be fulfilling even it just played through, but the dynamics are so enjoyable. Track three, “Gypsy Melodies” is the usual one you show people when you introduce this band. Again, feels like a campfire song or a road song. Take your pick. I heard the song on a rainy day. I was at Mike’s house once and I showed him this song on a rainy day where we were inside playing cards and when I heard the song I thought “this is it; this is how this song is meant to be experience.” The title track continues the folk tradition set by the last songs. Songs about or at least from the perspective of families. This song is much more involved from the full band. Slide guitars and bass right from the beginning of the song, all the way into the finale with guitar solos and the whole lot. An amazing continuation. “Electronic Dream Plant” is not a song I was prepared for.

Track five is a seven minute epic that lands every beat it tries. It starts off with a piano. The singer comes in and softly calls over the keys. Drums and harmonies build the song more. By the second verse, guitars, bass and drums are singing along with the singer. After the second verse, you know this song is going to get huge. A reverb laden guitar solo, cooling you down with the melody of the verse three. The rest of the song builds on what is established and tells the love “I don’t want to go without you so I just wanna go with piece of mind.” Then tells them “Save your sorrow.” The song plays out and gets larger and bigger and maintains beauty. Never abrasive. A masterpiece in my own opinion. (There’s some “na-na-na’s” at the end that tend to remind the listener of The Band’s “The Night They Drove Ol’ Dixie Down.”)

Track six is the aforementioned “Behold the River”. Name another album that has two massive masterpieces in a row. We then go to “Hey Jim”; a darker, guitar rock song. I have no interpretation on what the song is about, but it feels like a night drive through the south. There’s these beautiful glowing keyboard sections. After the first verse, they emanate sound. As per usual, they know how to crescendo. This band knows how to write an amazing melody to repeat and keep on. If this crescendo doesn’t get stuck in your head, you don’t have a head. “Floating In And Out” sounds like it comes from the progressive era of Mander Salis, but also tends to transcend that this album. The song has this incredible section where it stops and starts a new drum pattern that the singer sings over. “Maps” is a fan favorite. This song epitomizes the entire album. Family perspective. Growth into a crescendo. No matter how you look at this song, it’s powerful. This song sounds like less of a story though. It feels like it’s personal. And it cuts the same way. The last song is a song that still dumbfounds me but I never skip it. “Back to the Helicopter” is a noisy experimental finale. But it still feels like the band. It’s like they sucked out all of the beauty and story from the first nine tracks and were left with this Eraserhead-like fetus that was birthed of the band. It has power. Aggression. But it’s a bastard of everything from “Cotton Teeth”. Oddly beautiful.

I bought this CD in 2008. I still hold this CD very close to my heart a decade later. It is one of the few CD’s that stays in my car. The real shame of this album is that it doesn’t know where it belongs. Certainly not with Equal Vision. It belongs with me. But everyone I’ve shared this album with doesn’t feel a thing. I have an intense connection with this entity and I want the world to know but they ignore it. Imagine if it were a person. I am annoyed.

I gave up trying to share it years ago, but instead let it be my friend. I sing with it in the car. I lay down with it. I spend time with it. It’s my imaginary friend.

The band would continue to have one more release in 2009, but not a standard album. A documentary.

In 2009, the band was the subject of a documentary called “On A Carousel of Sound, We Go ‘Round”. The film documents the band on tour (if I recall with mewithoutyou and Manchester Orchestra; an insane tour), playing live songs in different places, and an set of entirely new songs which comprise the album of the same name. [You can see this release as a doc with a soundtrack or a new album with a documentary.] In the documentary the band plays these songs with such emotion and power in such an intimate way. Once you know the songs, you need to see the documentary. The band also speaks out on being where they are in life without ever really making it (again maybe because of the market) and how difficult it is to be touring. I ‘m really left with the sense that there was a bit of defeat from this group. And I do not blame them. I have tried to vouch for them.

Since the release of “On A Carousel of Sound….” the band has gone quiet. They have not released a lick of music or any update since then. They have disappeared. They are ghosts. But what they have left me is a brother. If it is a ghost, they still haunt me and always will. “Cotton Teeth” is baked into me. Without it, I would never have found the love for The Band, Songs: Ohia,Right Away! Great Captain, Townes Van Zant, and many others that I can call folk. I will celebrate this album forever, even if it is only ever me and him celebrating.

Meet VOILÀ, the Duo Riding Their Heartbreaks to Greener Pastures [Q&A]

VOILÀ has found their sound. That’s not always an easy thing for artists to say less than a year after releasing their debut single, but the Los Angeles-based duo has carved out a niche for themselves with earnest lyrics and passionate songwriting. Now with their debut album on the horizon in 2019, they’re doing everything they can to make their impact impossible to overlook, while maintaining their relatability in the process.

Luke Eisner and Gus Ross first met in a classroom at USC, and it wasn’t long before they began creating their own music outside the course. The duo DJ’d plenty of parties during their time in college, but eventually they moved on from the electronic realm in an effort to better express themselves through the music. Listen to their latest song, “Don’t,” which slotted in at #19 on Spotify’s New Music Friday playlist, and you’ll understand why it was a great decision; with refreshing guitars and heartfelt lyricism, VOILÀ makes it easy for listeners to access them, and hard to turn away from once they have.

They certainly sound genuine when their voices are playing through the speakers, and it shines through just as clearly when talking to them in person. They’re quick to laugh and crack jokes, keeping a light-hearted nature even as they thoughtfully discuss their music and what they hope to accomplish with it. We recently caught up with the duo to talk about their new single, as well as a few career highlights and pivotal moments in their journey so far.

OTW: You recently dropped “Don’t” -- tell us about the inspiration and story behind the song.

Luke: We started with a guitar riff, and then in terms of the story behind the song, I compare it to an analogy. Basically when I was growing up, there was this willow tree in my front yard, and I’d always try and climb it, and everyone was like, “Why are you trying to climb this tree?” My friends were like, “You’ll get hurt,” my parents said I was wasting my time; I still have this scar on my elbow from falling off of it. But what they didn’t know is that when you did get to the top, it was the most beautiful view of my subdivision, the kind of view that made you forget how much you hated the climb. And I grew up and fell in love with a girl who was like that willow tree, so that’s kind of what the song is about to me.

Gus: Exactly, the climb --  is it worth the pain? It’s an addiction you just can’t get rid of.

Luke: Yeah, it paralleled romance so much, where everyone is like, “It’s not good for you,” and you even know it’s not good for you, like my elbow is split open. But it’s that one thing that meant something to you, so you just keep coming back to it.

OTW: You both met at USC, and graduated in May. What was your biggest takeaway from your time at school?

Luke: Gus is sitting here in a leopard shirt, that’s the biggest takeaway. [Laughs]

Gus: Actually though, we met on the first day of class; it’s weird. He came and sat by me, for the record. We just kept working and working on a few different projects, and about a year ago we really got down to business with this. And then it’s been non-stop ever since, which is wicked.

Luke: USC’s very good at selecting people to come to the school that are passionate about something, so that was the biggest takeaway. This Trojan network thing, just being around all the kids they bring there is so invaluable.

OTW: You guys started out making electronic music, and then you switched to more indie-pop because it felt you could tell your stories better. Do you think you’ve found your sound now?

Gus: 100%. We just finished writing new songs with two different writing teams, and we have the sound. Every single song we make now, we can say that’s a VOILÀ song. It took a while, it took 3 years of just sitting, writing, making music, to really stumble across it. I think that’s important.

Luke: It’s funny, now we can go back to old songs that don’t have that sound, and we’re starting to re-do some of them. The idea is still there since the story is still true to us, but we’re redoing it with our new sound. That’s exciting.

OTW: Was there a moment where you knew you found it, or was it a gradual change?

Gus: Definitely gradual. We’ve written one album that’s unreleased, 17 songs. Off that album, we probably have 10 signature VOILÀ songs, and the rest were sort of the outliers. The next batch of songs that we’re on now, which is another album’s worth, all the songs are more in-line. Instead of ten being very similar, we have 12 or 13, and you sort of get closer and closer to a sound through that.

OTW: In terms of your lyrics, you guys sing about heartbreak in a lot of your music. What do you think is the best way to get through a breakup?

Luke: For me, it’s always literature, for everything. Whenever I’m trying to find the words to say something, you put it in a song, or you look for the words somewhere else. I was going back to a lot of the classic novels and romance structures; when you read them, it’s something about witnessing something else go through it even though they’re fictional. It’s the relatability, and the happy ending even if there isn’t one.

Gus: For me, I’m not good at it, so I’m probably the wrong person to ask. [Laughs] I think you have to embrace it, though. I’m a big believer that being broken early in your life is very beneficial when you can look back at it; I had a horrible experience that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. But, it’s the best thing that ever happened to me, it really makes you know yourself. But I can’t tell you how to get out of it, you just have to power through.

Luke: Everyone says to wear your heart on your sleeve; why not wear a broken heart? You have to embrace it, be proud of the scar.

OTW: Gus, you grew up in London while Luke grew up in Wisconsin. When you guys came to LA, what was your first culture shock moment?

Gus: Everything’s massive in the US, everything. From the cars to the signs to the people, everything. When I touched down, I accidentally missed orientation, I ended up skipping up the whole thing. I was there and I was thinking “this surely won’t matter,” and it was the biggest mistake. I got here and everything was dark, it was 9pm and the last day of orientation. The doors were locked and I didn’t have a card, I had to bang on the doors to get in. I had to wait until Monday and I came on a Saturday, it was miserable for a day or two until I finally got in the swing of it. The culture shock though, I still have that now. I don’t think it stops.

Luke: For me, when I got to LA, I got scouted to do modeling. Being from small-town Wisconsin, like buzzcut, beer drinking, football Wisconsin, I thought that didn’t exist. I vividly remember standing in this shoot, and there’s a guy with a bucket of potatoes, and he’s tossing the potatoes at me to catch for the pictures. I’m in this long robe, I’m wearing makeup for the first time in my life and my hair is all wavy, and I remember thinking, “what has happened?” [Laughs] It all hit me at one time, literally, as the potatoes were flying at me.

OTW: Do you still do modeling? How hard is it to balance that with your music?

Luke: You know, it fuels the music thing, because it’s my income. Every time I’m working I’m thankful for that opportunity, because it allows us to progress here, financially. So I’m thankful, but every time I do it I’m reminded about how passionate I am about this.

OTW: This summer, you opened up for Kesha, The Fray, and X Ambassadors. Talk about what that experience was like for you guys.

Gus: Amazing. It really opens your eyes to how open you’ve got to be, as an artist, when you’re singing about your own tragedies on stage. You really have to embrace that; there’s no act up there, everyone is seeing into your own life.  In Kesha’s case, it was like 15,000 people, it’s insane. It makes you grow suddenly, and realize your vision very fast.

Luke: When you hear people singing your own heartbreak back at you, it’s an interesting concept. It’s both healing and appalling at the same time. For me, performing with The Fray was one of those full-circle moments. The first song I had ever performed in my life was in my fourth grade talent show, it was “How to Save a Life.” And then there was a moment where I was watching them do it, I was speechless. You just hope that you can create music that there’s another kid in fourth grade who can get the song, and then they’ll open up for you.

OTW: What’s the atmosphere you want to create at your live shows?

Gus: I think it’s kind of a mixture, between an Ed Sheeran show which can be very intimate, and then you also have the rocky pop aspect of a Twenty One Pilots show. You have the anthemic song where everyone can move, but you also have a number that’s more introspective, more raw. It’s sort of these people not really knowing exactly where they are, there’s happy and proud moments, but you also really have to stop and think for a second.

Luke: I want people to walk away feeling like they’ve had every opportunity to access us, whether that’s physically, like after the show I want to meet as many people as I possibly can. Same with the music, I want the communication to be so thorough, that they really feel like they’ve been through the story. I think accessibility is one thing that makes a lot of performers that I admire.

OTW: Last question -- who are some Ones to Watch artists that you’re excited about?

Gus: Ooh, there’s quite a few. We were just on BBC Introducing last weekend, there’s a guy who we’ve been on there a couple times called Jack Vallier.

Gus: Also, I love Ella Mai, British singer. She’s incredible, she really is something. That “Boo’d Up” song I saw blew up, but she’s been at it for a little bit, I really like her. A very different genre from us. And then Luke’s kind of into country music.

Luke: I love country music, I love the lyricism. I think some of the best lyricists are in Nashville. There’s this guy Spencer Crandall, who had found our music and messaged me. He’s unbelievable, he’s so accessible. He replies to everybody, he messages people all the time.

To the Unknown Beloved (DC TV)

goodnight and goodbye handsome

7.13.21 / 2:21 am

fuuuuuck i’m high!!’ turns out if you don’t smoke all day you get literally blasted. anyways hahaha, that’s not the point is it?

if you’ve gotten this far, i assume you’re reading this. honestly, i assume you’re reading this anyway. maybe not tonight, or tomorrow, but for some reason you’ll come. in a few days, you’ll visit my page.

here’s the thing, i know why i visit you. i’m in love with you. it’s really that simple. i tell people that, and i think that. deep down, i fear it may not be true. i’m terrified i’ve wasted years of my life craving a fling. and yet, deeper down, i’m drawn to you. i’m trapped in your fucking wave.

that’s a song you told me to listen to. do you remember why we broke up? hahahaha, i guess that’s a dumb question. in this world, everyone genuinely has their own truth. their own steps they’ve walked in this world to get to the version of themselves and their surroundings in their mind. [side note: that’s pretty fucking poetic right? i came up with that in 10 seconds high as a kite, please start writing again? i miss it, the world misses it. what happened to your notebook? ik you have ideas in there]

anybays, here’s my full version of why i genuinely believe you broke up with me. 1) you had a crush on her, and you were attracted to her 2) you were hurt bc i had been in texting him 3) we were fighting a lot 4) we had been getting bored 5) i was kinda petty and a bitch 6) i had been lying to you (and the world) for most of my life 7) i had been intentionally distancing myself and avoiding you 8) i’m SURE things i’m forgetting

i’m sure that’s incomplete, and perhaps incompatible with your version of events. i had also already broken up with you, that was a major factor. i used to point this out to our friends, and anyone who would listen to me, that you followed a similar path. when was the last time you were genuinely single, 14? 15? i don’t point that out to say that you weren’t able to grow, i’ve spent most of my grown life in love. but you always had someone lined up. you didn’t get rid of me until you had someone else to kiss.

i did that too, but i got bored. i really thought you would get bored. and i’m sorry, i wish i didn’t wish that. every part of me wants to have been able to let you go after i had written my first goodbye. but here’s the thing. you responded, quickly. and i’m sorry, im genuinely sorry for all of the times i reached out to you. im sorry for trying to add you on snapchat. im sorry for messaging you when i thought you were trying to talk to me. and im really, really, sorry for blacking out and texting you.

but here’s the, thing. you responded. you respond quickly. why do you check on me? seriously, why? sometimes i think, probably more like hope, you’re here bc i look good in my pictures, bc obviously that’s my intention. but why do you talk to me? and no, you dont. that’s really hard to explain to the people closest to me. no, we don’t talk, he like subtweets me? but i swear i’m not crazy. no really, they’re original posts, what else could they be?

and i dissect them, over and over again. i listen, i think about it, i picture you singing in your car, or smiling with your eyes closed. i think of you in your bed, thinking of me, and i don’t know why. because you don’t talk to me, you don’t seem to like me, and you don’t seem to be unhappy.

i drove past your house tonight. and in my FUCKING defense, it’s an alternative to my gd house, no one seems to understand that it’s literally like not a detour and i get home in the same amount of time. but i really don’t know why i do it. because i’m never happy. it’s never what i want. here’s what i want, i want you walking to your car, and seeing me drive past, i’d wave, slow down, and say hi. and finally ask for a goddamn explanation.

but that’s never going to happen. and i have to accept that. that’s never going to happen. i’m never going to rest my head in your neck, or hold your hand, or kiss you, or hug you, or laugh with you, or sing, or drive, or talk to you ever again. and that makes me so sad.

as i write that, i can feel the blood draining from my arms, and my stomach fell. i will probably go to sleep tonight, and even though i’ll distract myself with cormac mccarthy, i’ll be sad tonight.

my grandmom died on thanksgiving. i’m sure you don’t remember, but she was my best fucking friend. i’m not gonna talk about that, but i bring it up to say that if i’m being honest, my bones feel the same now as they did then.

we’re dead. the glimmer of me that believes in us, that picture going to concerts, seeing you drunk, dancing and laughing and singing and kissing and fucking and driving and watching movies and making jokes and living life together is gone. it’s dead. it has to be dead.

i went to barnes and noble today, and i looked for your car in the parking lot. i went to ocean city, and i scanned the top of the crown looking for your smile. and then i went to hammonton.

i got drinks with an ex tonight, don’t worry it wasn’t you. we have nothing in common, but he’s a good friend to me, and he’s really supportive and is always there for me, which tbh isn’t a common trait among my good friends. we talked, and it was pretty boring, but it was nice. and i asked him wtf you were doing. what it meant. why. if i should drive past your house.

he said no, i shouldn’t. he didn’t understand why i would choose to hurt myself that way. i showed him your page, and he chuckled a little. i dissect your feed, i visit you in the morning and the evening. every original post a message. a reaction or a plea in some way.

he told me i was crazy, which he isn’t wrong about. and the funny thing is, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. sometimes, i fear i’m just a joke. maybe you guys watch me together, listen to my songs and laugh at the desperation between the lyrics. but, i really don’t think that’s it. you’re better than that. you’re nice, people don’t know that, to be honest you don’t always show that, but you have such a pure heart. and i don’t think you’re that gross.

maybe i’m wrong, and gd if i am gg sis you really found your person. but i don’t think im talking to both of you. i really, really think im talking to you. sometimes, it really feels like im talking to you. like you’re next to me, if i close my eyes, i can almost feel your hands on me.

but, im not. you’re in that deer town, and im in the college court. we’re thirty miles, and three years apart from one another. we’ve grown and changed and flipped upside down from those kids hanging out at the voorhees mall.

and so im left to figure out by myself why you’re here. why despite you being far and happy, you come to haunt me. you know, most exes emotionally haunt their ex, not legitimately leave unnecessary and misleading breadcrumbs.

i have a whole slew of degrees now, so i’ve come to my best version of a guess: you’re filing your insurance card. and you know what? four hours ago, i really would have been okay with that. i would have dated and waited and dated and waited until you came crying back, because you were my person. you were my goddamn dream boy. and i couldn’t believe i had you.

i let you go so quickly. and goddamn julia you didn’t let anyone go. here’s what i realized: anyone can fight for anyone. if you wanted me as badly as i want you, you would be here. here, here. but you’re not. instead, she’s there.

and i finally realized, what’s the goddamn point? i don’t know if you realized bro but i’m literally a gd catch. also, tbh i’m a lady w 38ddds so i can laid truly anytime i need to. and more importantly, i’m funny. i’m nice. im kind and i’m compassionate and caring and giving and smart as hell and really fun to hang out with. im a great singer, and a really fun dancer. and guys realize that.

there are so. many. guys like you. and i don’t mean that to be rude, trust me i didn’t know that this morning. but there are funny guys out there. there are guys who will go crazy when i take my clothes off and call me when i’m sad, and they’ll be happy to do it. they’ll be excited to be with me, i won’t be a back up.

and so, i’m giving myself that opportunity. i’m letting myself let go of you, to bury you and us alongside the memories i’m grateful for. so thank you, for teaching me all of my favorite bands. for making me laugh, and holding me when i needed you to. for kissing me, for loving me, and for reminding me that even now, im still a little special.

but i’m not going to sit around and wait for you to react. im not going to check on your songs, or your liked posts, or drive past your goddamn house. im not going to obsess over what you’re trying to say, because if you wanted to say it, you would. you wouldn’t hide it in spongebob songs, you would just message me. you would say hi.

but you dont, and deep down, i know you wont. god, even now, i want this to turn you inward. but when it doesn’t, or if it does and you still want nothing to do with me, i’m not gonna cry. because i really, really, really believe i’m gonna be okay.

i hope you’re okay too. i really, really wish you nothing but the best in this world. whatever this world brings you, i hope it comes with happiness, the ability to find joy in any situation, laugh at the small things. i believe in you, i hope you learn to believe in yourself.