me and my dumbass on my way to make a video edit because apparently im a tiktoker now and i just slap this together

hi heikazu stans *louder than everyone else*

Stranger things is about mental health & trauma- deal with it!

I’ve seen a lot of people claim anyone who mentioned this topic immediately be gaslit and told they’re “just crazy” and “rudely projecting their own issues on to the characters.’ Like- no you don’t have to believe my  Will DID/Lonnie theory ( I could be wrong). But to claim one of the show’s central themes isn’t about mental health/trauma (screams either complete lack of lit comprehension or denial cause you have your own negative biases towards such people). So let’s just go into what’s literal text-not subtext/symbolism. Just the super blatant stuff.  RIGHT IN THE SHOW!

S1

-We have El when she first appears on screen  asked by Benny if her parents starved and hurt her and if that’s why she ran away. Benny then calls CPS to say El “may have been ab*sed or something.” After this Lucas says there is “seriously something wrong with her-wrong in the head. She’s probably from the NUT-HOUSE in curly county.penthurst” We also see El  cannonically has PTSD-all of s1 she’ll see something benign (a cat, a coke commercial, a closet) and is triggered to see a traumatic flashback. That’s literally ptsd.  There’s also hints throughout the seasons she’s developmentally behind in both language, telling time etc (neglect like El’s irl can cause an intellectual disability-analysis on El/that subject here).The real pethurst in pensylvannia (not the one in stranger things/ Curly county)  closed in 1986-  it was a facility for people and mostly  kids with intellectual disabilities (it wasn’t technically a psych facility like the one in st)-but it was infamous for it’s abuse of these intellectually disabled patients kept there. We also have Brenner be a ab*sive psychiatrist.

- Hopper after suffering from the loss of his daughter. Is popping pills like candy, drinking and smoking constantly. He later says he used to hallucinate and forgot what was real -seeing and hearing sarah and says if he didn’t confront the pain he’d “fall down a black hole he couldn’t get out of.” NO... subtext here about what the void represents nope.

- Both mothers (Terry & Joyce) are dismissed as being mentally ill and simply grieving the loss of their kids . But both end up being right about the supernatural.

- “Terry pretends Jane is real. i mean it’s all make believe. you know the doctors all say it’s a coping mechanism.”

- While with Joyce the whole town pre s1 already questioned her mental health. Jonathan says “She used to have anxiety problems (pre s1).” And Jonathan, Hopper, and Lonnie all assume she’s hallucinating: talking to Will via lights, seeing a man without a face, saying Will’s body is fake -due to grief. Plus Lonnie mentions the fact Joyce’s aunt Darlene also used to hallucinate as a possible reason  (terry’s aunt also had mental health issues mentioned in s2 by Becky). Lonnie even says everything Joyce is seeing  is “all in her head.”  Hopper and Jon both say she needs to sleep and accept reality and Lonnie says she needs to see a “shrink”.  Hopper “i’m not saying that you’re crazy”. Joyce : “no, you are.” Joyce also says to Lonnie “Stop looking at me like that... like everyone else like i’m out of my damn mind.” Hopper also says about Joyce she’s “on the edge”. Callahan says in response , “she’s been on the edge for a while now” (referring to her mental health- even before Will’s dissappearance)”. While Lonnie says Jonathan is “feeding into her hallucinations ... you’re going to push her right over the edge.” In s2 Hopper says “ I think everyone is on edge- you, me, Will most of all. (when talking about Will’s ptsd/trauma)” 

- in s1 They claim Will just “fell” over the edge of the quarry’s cliff. Later the only other queer coded character (Mike) jumps off the quarry cliff (where Will’s body was found) cause the homophobic troy forced him too jump. Troy even says earlier dead-Will is “flying with all the other fairies all happy and gay” (to Mike). And Troy says to Hopper El made Mike “fly” after jumping off the cliff. Friendship saved him from jumping off the edge metaphorically ( and he’ll prob eventually be happy and gay too).

s2/3

-Will is seeing a therapist . And we are told he has ptsd and will experience the anniversary effect, personality changes,nightmares, having episodes, etc. And things “will get worse before they get better”.  Mike also asks if what Will is seeing is “real or like the doctors say all in your head?” And Will continues to see hallucinations of the mf/upsidedown that only he can see initially.

-Hopper also agrees with owens mentioning how he knew guys with ptsd . joyce : “it’s not like he’s describing a nightmare. He talks about them like they’re real.” Hopper: “Yeah, because they’re not nightmares they’re flashbacks.I think he’s right about trauma.I think everyone is on edge (bringing that s1 ref back), Me you, Will, most of all.Nothing’s gonna go back to the way that it was. But it’ll get better.In time.”

-Nancy suffers from survivor’s guilt and drunkingly says she killed Barb. Jonathan says like Nancy he has “a weight that you that carry all the time . i feel it too.” (cough depression). He also says he tries to be there for Will but says about Will “he’s not the same. maybe things can’t go back to the way they were. (mirroring Hopper’s words earlier that season)”

-Jonathan said in s1 Joyce had “anxiety issues” than Nancy says in s3 “you really are your mother’s son... you worry too much.” Then we see him look worried after the comment.

- in s2, Axel & a scientist both call El and Will “schizos” because of their powers. In s3 mrs driscoll isn’t believed about the supernatural cause she’s schizophrenic-but like Joyce/Terry was right.

- Kali saves a woman named Dottie (a british slang term for crazy)  from a mental hospital and then compares herself and El to dottie. saying her non-powered gang is “Like us ...outsiders... society discarded them.”  In graphitti we even see the title “obedlam” a british poem about discarding the mentally ill and leaving them homeless.  El before this sees a mentally ill man screaming “we’re all dead!” Kali’s friend says to El, after this encounter they were “dead all of us” until kali “saved them here” (points to head) “and here” (points to heart). Pointing to the theme of love and friendship helping those with such issues. Similar to the cliff analogy.

-The cycle of ab*se. Max in s2 says she’s afraid of becoming like Billy (her ab*ser). We see Billy mimic his ab*ser neil and inflict pain on max. In s3 we see the roots of his behavior are linked to mimicking Neil- Neil in a flashback says  about baseball “what are you scared?”  “ did i raise a p*ssy for a son”. So young Billy later in a fight says to a boy “ what are you scared to fight me? fight me p*ssy. (as he beats the boy)” Deflecting his anger of his father on to someone else. In s3, We see as a kid he used to say to Neil “don’t hurt her” (his mom)-specifically after  Neil backhand slaps her -but we later see possessed Billy backhand slap Max (just like neil).  The resentment to his mother leaving - festered into how he views women and max negatively . And his attraction to mrs wheeler prob is linked to him subconsciously missing his mother. Max in s2 even says  he can’t take it out on her mother so he does so to her instead (we even have Billy hallucinate hurting mrs wheeler).We see in s2 the cycle of abuse is there- Billy mimics Neil, and then Max mimics Billy. Billy harrasses Max and yells “SAY IT!” (mimicking Neil).  Max like Billy later  yells “SAY IT” and uses a bat /violence to stand up for herself against Billy- which earlier she said she was trying to combat … explaining she can be angry like Billy sometimes but she never wants to be like him (her nickname symbolizing this: aka ‘mad max’).  Billy’s last dying words were an apology to Max- for becoming her neil. And we hopefully will see Max break this cycle.

- Will says his now memories (that he describes like dreams) are “growing “, “spreading “,and “killing”. While Kali says they need to face their father and (as Brenner) says El has to confront her “wound” or else it’ll “grow”, “spread” and “eventually it’ll kill her.” Kali says she used to be like El . She used to bottle her pain away and it “spread.” But she then says  “I confronted my pain and I finally began to heal (from those wounds).” We also see with jonathan and nancy when describing “shared trauma” zoom in onto the scars on their hands. The wound heeled into a scar so to speak.

S2 & 3 ENDINGS

both have Hopper do a speech that delves into dealing with trauma/depression but still finding good along the way.

-s2 Hopper outside the snowball: “how are you holding up? Yeah, that feeling never goes away. It is true what they say, you know. Everyday it does get easier.”

-s3 Hopper monolouge : “ Feelings jesus. For so long, i’d forgotten what those even were. I’ve been stuck in one place,in a cave you might say , a deep dark cave (cough s2 supernatural cave). For the first time in a long time, i started to feel things again. I started to feel happy. Life... yeah sometimes it’s painful .sometimes it’s sad, and sometimes it’s suprising... happy.. And when life hurts you, because it will .remember the hurt . The hurt is good. It means you’re out of that cave.”

BUT YES- St has nothing to do with mental health/trauma, we’re just “crazy” and “projecting”. It’s not like some of ya’ll  act pompous when you just have a bias and get pissy at the idea of relating to characters you “other” as “crazy” or “damaged” irl or anything (so attack people for pointing it out). Or (benefit of the doubt) you are just like.... oblivious... or just a kid who doesn’t know better XD

Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

Us Vs. Them

Abstract

In this essay, I will be assessing my personal feelings and attitudes toward different and defined groups. During this analysis, I will be breaking up the population into four groups: Us, Them, Allies, and Enemies. These groups have been formulated by and based on the workings and fields of psychology, psychiatry, individuals with mental illnesses (including me) and how societal norms fit into issues raised in this paper. I hope you find this to be worthwhile and I hope this sparks the fire of your intellectual flame.

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The American population, in the terms of mental illness, psychology, and sociology, fall into one of four categories which are detailed below:

US

This group of people are those who suffer from profound mental illness. The affliction must be (Your illness doesn't have to be all of these things, but it must be most of them):

Chronic; recurring; cause suffering; affect your relationships with others; make it so you cannot keep a job; make it so you cannot function in society; possibly get government compensation for your illness; *been hospitalized in the psych ward; been arrested when your symptoms were active; reckless and/or impulsive behaviors; suicide attempt(s); and became violent when your symptoms were active. 

Them

These people are the majority of the population. They blindly follow pop culture and buy into what the masses are doing, believing, and saying. They do not have severe mental illness although they may be diagnosed with the garden-variety depression and anxiety. They have never been to inpatient for mental disorders, except maybe once, a long time ago. They will try to relate to you when it comes to mental health but they are just regurgitating what the trendy treatments and hardships are (the commonplace “social anxiety” is on the rage right now). In the inpatient hospital, the Them are the hospital staff. Especially the ones who give you the shot and put you in isolation. They are the ones who pink slip you and call the police. They think drugs are bad. You can’t truly trust Them. They don’t understand you and they probably never will. Most of Them are not hateful or mean. They are just ignorant, inexperienced, and constantly lecturing you or preaching to you. Most of Them view you as less-than, whether it is intended or not. 

Allies

Imagine a straight line down the middle of a square. This divides the “Us” and “Them” that we already went over. But directly on that line, not leaning to one side or the other, sits the “Allies.” The Us’s allies have most likely not gone to the mental hospital except maybe once, long ago. But they have a mental illness that brings them suffering. They may be in mental health treatment. They struggle almost every day and their behaviors reflect that. They are a part of society and will never and have never been deemed unfit to be a working part of society. They get along with others although they feel like no one completely understands them. They do not blindly follow all of pop culture’s rules and trends. They support the Us. We can trust them somewhat. They are our allies. 

Enemies 

The Enemies only exist within the “Them” group. They are the ones we must watch the most carefully and never trust. Most of “Us'' do not have many Enemies on the outside but we have plenty of Enemies on the inside (inpatient). The Enemies at the hospital are those who give you the shot after they have to hold you down when you’re screaming and thrashing around because you’re so fucking freaked out. They are the ones who put you in four point restraints and let you “tire yourself out.” On the outside, the police are the Enemy for apprehending you while they get a pink slip. They are anyone who pink slips you. The Enemy tells you that you’re crazy when you know you are doing well. They threaten the hospital and hang it over your head. The Enemy treats you unfairly because something that you cannot control or help is wrong with you. The reason why Them can never be fully trusted is because any one of Them could become the Enemy at any time.

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I first felt the “Us Vs. Them” divide when I started frequenting mental hospitals. And when I started showing signs of severe  symptoms of mental illness. In the hospital, you are a “rat in a cage” (Smashing Pumpkins song) with the staff holding the only key to get out. A drastic power imbalance exists between the staff and the patient: we are the prisoners and they are the guards. All we want to do is get out. All we want to do is go home. And if not home, then at least to a different, free place. 

When I had my major mental breakdown/manic episode of winter 2019, I had been taking my medications- they were just the wrong ones. In the cage, you must take your medications, whether you want to or not. Whether you trust Them or not. If you refuse medication, They take you to court and get a court order forcing you to take your medication while you are inpatient. 

There are some key ways that the “Us” and the “Them” are different in the mental hospital dynamic. They own your body: you are forced to take medications, you are locked in a box (hopefully not isolation). You can’t hurt yourself and if you do, you will stay longer (same goes for violence against others). They control your behaviors: They deem what is “appropriate” and “inappropriate” behaviors. If you break the rules surrounding these behaviors, you will get the shot, isolation, moved to a worse ward (for the more violent and disruptive patients), restraint holds, staying longer, or any combination of these events. The worst one I can think of is moving wards up a number. They try to brain-wash you: They say: “There is only one way to live life and we know the correct way to live it.” “The correct way to live is only what we arbitrarily and subjectively call “healthy coping mechanisms” and you must abandon all “unhealthy” ones in order to live life correctly and avoid being society’s pariah.” “Your only hope to be a functioning person is to abide by the teachings of CBT and DBT. All other methods will not work.” They have the opinion that their methods of recovery always  work and if you are not having positive effects from their treatments, you must be doing it wrong- they deny that their treatments do not work for everybody and fail to recognize that the “bad” coping mechanisms are the only way that certain people can get by.

When you are mandated as an inpatient in the hospital, you have no rights. They take away your rights as a person. They tell you where to go, what to eat, and they control how long you are in there, what medication you take, and worst of all- when you get put down like a dog with a shot or when you switch to a more severe level. You are treated like an animal in a cage, and there is nothing that you can do about it. Losing control of your own body to this degree leads to something inside of you breaking  and you turning into a feral animal (hospital song). After that happens (especially if it happens multiple times), you are never the same. 

There are laws to keep other people from harming you or your property. I believe that it is a good thing that these laws are in place and that they should be upheld. But there are also laws that are made to prevent you from harming yourself and I don’t think such laws should exist. Once again, I question what the authorities, our working society (Them) and the masses (Them) deem “harmful” and ultimately illegal.

Most people in society simply follow popular culture. They just look to what the majority of others do and follow suit. But they have blinders on: they don’t see that they come up with justifications and sorry attempts at reasons to back-up their choice to blindly follow the majority.

The authorities and society says:

Drugs = Bad→ Laws against it.

Self-harm = Bad→ No laws against it but there is intense societal disapproval and shaming connected to it.

*It is the least harmful on this list because it does not alter your mood or drastically change your brain chemistry for prolonged periods of time. But, apparently, it is the most shocking and the most taboo. 

Medication = Good→ Sometimes there are laws enforcing it.  

I believe all of these things can be good or bad depending on the specific person that it affects. Everyone is different and if you simply follow what pop culture’s opinion is on these issues without looking into them further, it shows ignorance, a lack of curiosity and exploration, rigidity, and a propensity towards the judgement of others. It often signifies that the “Them” in question is too weak to think for themselves and to withstand society’s brainwashing. 

I will never think of cutting or drugs as “bad coping skills.” “Good coping skills” consist of talking about your issues and crying according to the “Them.” And according to the hospitals, CBT, and DBT, good coping skills include activities like aroma therapy and drawing. But what do these things do? Nothing. You need a release or a change in the state of mind. Talking about what upsets you is just reliving it all over again. Plus, what if you do not trust anyone enough to tell them what's on your mind? Crying is bullshit. I feel that it is pathetic for me to cry. That’s just how I feel. I have trained myself not to. So why should I do something detrimental to myself when I am already in distress? “Good” coping skills don’t really work and only the simple-minded buy into them. “Bad” coping skills shouldn’t be judged as bad or taboo just because others have all-or-none thinking about them when it's the only thing that helps some people.

Medication: Taking medication should be the mentally ill’s choice. Medication is not right for everybody; it is not always the best thing to do. Not everyone likes themselves on medication. Who are we to judge if a person is the “correct” version of themselves or not? Forcing someone to take psychiatric medications is rooted in a power and control structure that overshadows others. I believe that we should leave others alone when it comes to this and let them live how they want to live. Just because we’re mentally ill, doesn't mean we have to do what you want with our bodies anymore.

In conclusion, I believe individuals and society as a whole should look beyond the systems of the law, procedures in mental health facilities, standard practices of therapies, pop culture trends/rules , and societal norms to find each of our unique spots in this society. We need to rethink what is considered “unhealthy” and what is “healthy” and why we put actions into those categories. We need to be more open and steer clear of letting others dictate what we believe. I’m tired of being lectured and shamed. Let's move on together. 

Associate Professor at Suicide Research Unit discusses Meghan Markle Interview

You can also listen to this interview on a free app on iTunes and Google Play Store entitled 'Raj Persaud in conversation', which includes a lot of free information on the latest research findings in psychology, psychiatry, neuroscience and mental health, plus interviews with top experts from around the world. Download it free from these links. Don't forget to check out the bonus content button on the app.

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.rajpersaud.android.rajpersaud

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/dr-raj-persaud-in-conversation/id927466223?

  Thomas Niederkrotenthaler is associate professor at the Suicide Research Unit at the Institute of Social Medicine, Center for Public Health, Medical University of Vienna. He is the co-chair of the International Association for Suicide Prevention's Media and Suicide Special Interest Group.

Reacting to suicidal revelations - is Piers Morgan right?

Research on suicide reporting suggests a surprising effect of Meghan's interview

by Dr Raj Persaud

  Piers Morgan, a controversial TV host, has now left his national broadcasting position after expressing strong disbelief over Meghan’s confessions of suicidal thinking in her interview with Oprah Winfrey.

BBC News reports that Piers Morgan continues to stand by his criticism of the Duchess of Sussex. Ofcom, a regulator of broadcasting in the UK, is investigating his comments after receiving 41,000 complaints from the British public.

The duchess apparently formally complained to ITV about Morgan's remarks. It is reported that she raised concerns about how Piers Morgan's sentiments affect the issue of mental health, and what it might do to others contemplating suicide.

Is Meghan correct in her reported analysis? Or is Piers Morgan right to stand by his comments?

Or, in discussing suicide during an Oprah Winfrey interview, did she in fact make it more likely that others will self-harm?

Media reporting of suicidal behaviour has been found to contribute to an increase in suicidal thinking and actual suicides in the population. At this point Piers Morgan may argue the duchess is wrong to criticise him, and has only herself to blame, if there is a spike in suicides following the interview.

Recent research found that Google searches for “How to kill yourself” significantly increased after the release of ‘13 Reasons Why’, a popular Netflix American teen drama on the aftermath of high school student's suicide. The study calculated there were 900 000 to 1.5 million more searches than expected, for that time of year, in just over two weeks following the release of the series.

Another study, published in the Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry in February 2020, estimated there were 195 additional suicide deaths among 10- to 17-year-old youths between April 1 and December 31, 2017, following the series’ release.

One of the first studies to investigate this effect, analysed 34 newspaper stories that reported on suicides, and found a 2.51% increase in suicide during the month of the publicity.

More worrying still, about the possible repercussions of the extensive reporting of Meghan’s suicidal thinking worldwide, is that, research by Professor Steven Stack, an expert on the sociology of suicide, based at Wayne State University, USA, found that studies measuring the presence of an entertainment celebrity in a suicide press report, are over 5 times more likely to find a copycat effect, while studies focusing on female suicide, were almost 5 times more likely to report a copycat effect, than other research investigating the impact of suicide reporting in the press.

Another example reported by Steven Stack is that in the year of the publication of a book which focused on self-harm via a particular method, suicide by that specific recommended method, increased 313% in New York City. In almost one third of cases a copy of the book was found at the scene of the suicide.

On average, following the media reporting of a suicide, approximately one third of persons involved in subsequent suicidal behavior appear to have seen the reporting of that suicide and may be copycat suicides.

The suicide of actress Marilyn Monroe was associated with a 12% increase in suicide.

One theory as to why reporting of a celebrity killing themselves or feeling suicidal, according to Professor Steven Stack, is that the vulnerable suicidal person may reason, ‘If a Marilyn Monroe with all her fame and fortune cannot endure life, why should I?’

Copycat suicides following media reporting of self-harm has been termed the ‘Werther Effect’, following a notorious historical incident after the publication in 1774 of a popular novel in which the hero kills himself. Entitled, The Sorrows of Young Werther the book by Goethe was rumoured to be responsible for a subsequent epidemic of suicide in young people. European authorities were so worried about its impact, that the book was banned in Copenhagen, Italy and Leipzig.

Goethe is reported to have commented on the phenomenon; “My friends … thought that they must transform poetry into reality, imitate a novel like this in real life and, in any case, shoot themselves; and what occurred at first among a few took place later among the general public …”

However, now new research suggests that, in fact, Meghan Markle in talking about suicide, may have indeed performed a positive service in terms of suicide prevention.

The study entitled, ‘Role of media reports in completed and prevented suicide: Werther v. Papageno effects’, refers to a ‘Papageno Effect’, which the authors claim may be the opposite of the ‘Werther Effect’, and happens when suicide rates go down following a particular kind of self-harm publicity.

The ‘Papageno Effect’, the authors explain, is based on Papageno's overcoming of a suicidal crisis in Mozart's opera ‘The Magic Flute’. If media reporting has a suicide-protective impact this should now be referred to as the ‘Papageno Effect’ the authors argue. In Mozart's opera, Papageno becomes suicidal upon fearing the loss of his beloved Papagena; however, he refrains from suicide because of three boys who draw his attention to alternative coping strategies.

Thomas Niederkrotenthaler and Gernot Sonneck from the Medical University of Vienna, Austria, led a team who analysed all 497 suicide-related print media reports from the 11 largest Austrian nationwide newspapers, including the term suicide, between 1 January and 30 June 2005.

Reporting of individuals thinking about suicide (not accompanied by attempted or completed suicide) was associated with a decrease in national suicide rates. This study suggests that media items on suicidal thinking, perhaps as described by Meghan in her recent interview, formed a distinctive class of articles, which have a low probability of being potentially harmful.

The study, published in the British Journal of Psychiatry found that in marked contrast, media stories attempting to dispel popular public myths about suicide, in other words articles that you would have thought would be helpful, and were intended to be helpful as regards suicide, were associated with increases in suicide rates.

Other articles associated with increases in suicide rates include stories where the main focus was on suicide research, items containing contact information for a public support service and also the reporting of expert opinions.

In other words, all the previous so-called expert opinion of how the media ought to report suicide was not actually linked to drops in suicide rates, but instead increases.

The authors conclude that the actual reporting of suicidal thinking may contribute to preventing suicide. Therefore, it follows that whatever Piers Morgan may think or believe about the Meghan interview, the latest scientific research suggests she may have performed a public service in drawing attention to suicidal thinking.

One theory as to why this might be the case include the suggestion that reporting someone thinking about suicide enhances identification with the reported individual, and thus highlights the reported outcome as ‘going on living’.

This research suggests a new public health strategy as regards suicide prevention. This may be most effective when articles are published on individuals who refrained from adopting suicidal plans, and instead adopted positive coping mechanisms, despite suffering adverse circumstances.

The authors refer to this kind of press story as ‘Mastery of Crisis’. One example they quote: ‘Before [Tom Jones] had his first hit, he thought about suicide… and wanted to jump in front of an Underground train in London… In 1965, before he made the charts with “It's not unusual”, he thought for a second: “If I just take a step to the right, then it'll all be over”.’

Whatever else you may think of her, or the interview, the key question becomes, did Meghan exhibit ‘Mastery Of Crisis’?

REFERENCES

Piers Morgan stands by Meghan criticism after Good Morning Britain exit https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-56343768  

Internet Searches for Suicide Following the Release of 13 Reasons Why. Ayers JW, Althouse BM, Leas EC, Dredze M, Allem J. JAMA Intern Med. 2017;177(10):1527–1529. doi:10.1001/jamainternmed.2017.3333  

Association between the release of Netflix's 13 Reasons Why and suicide rates in the United States: an interrupted times series analysis. Bridge, J, Greenhouse, JB, Ruch, D, Stevens, J, Ackerman, J, Sheftall, A, et al. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry 2019; 28 Apr (doi: 10.1016/j.jaac.2019.04.020).  

Suicide in the Media: A Quantitative Review of Studies Based on Nonfictional Stories. Steven Stack. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior 35(2) April 2005, 121-133  

Role of media reports in completed and prevented suicide: Werther v. Papageno effects. Thomas Niederkrotenthaler, Martin Voracek, Arno Herberth, Benedikt Till, Markus Strauss, Elmar Etzersdorfer, Brigitte Eisenwort and Gernot Sonneck. British Journal of Psychiatry, 197(3), 234-243. doi:10.1192/bjp.bp.109.074633  

  Check out this episode!

Bentley 8 Squad Characters Description

(First, forgive me for my broken English. Second, sims close-up in sims 3 gameplay isn't so good and I can't install pose player for some reason, so I have to go to CAS just to take their closeups).

This is the description of the characters from my fanfiction, Bentley 8 Squad. Like I said in my previous post, they called themselves "Bentley 8" because all of them like Bentley cars. They are living together in a house in Sim City. Each nicknames represent their traits/styles and positions in this squad. Their friendships are inseparable, and they're always there for each other. They established a mental health community named "Im-perfection", and their goal is to help everyone who struggles with mental health. Their Im-perfection community tagline is: "It's okay to not be perfect, and we are perfect because of it". Despite their obstacles, they're always finding ways to chase their dreams in their early 20's. By the way, some original characteristics are changed for the storyline.

Angela Pleasant (Bentley Queen) - age 20

She's ambitious, fashionable, popular, cheerful, and a trendsetter. As a cheerleader captain and queen bee of Pleasantview high school, Angela knows how to fit in. She's always friendly to everyone despite her stuck-up personality, and it made some people nicknamed her "phony" behind her back. But as she gets older, she became more sincere, especially after she's taking a master's degree in psychology. She and her twin sister, Lilith, disliked each other when they were teens. But she apologized to her and they became friends. She also has interests in fashion design. She's a great home cook, and excellent at making cakes. Angela is a good listener to her seven housemates. She loves Dustin so much although they came from different social circles. She suffers from eating disorders and endometriosis, but it doesn't limit her to become a (soon-to-be) psychologist.

Lilith Pleasant (Bentley Gothic) - age 20

She's often misunderstood due to her attitude and black clothing. She's sharp, gloomy, sarcastic, hot-headed, and somewhat rude. But she's really nice if you know her well, and she will do everything for her close friends and lover (especially her boyfriend, Dirk).

Despite her parents (Daniel and Mary-Sue Pleasant) treated her unfairly and favored Angela over her, plus she and Angela disliked each other when they were teens, she's forgiving and didn't hold grudges. Unlike Angela who was a queen bee, Lilith was one of the outcasts in high school. As a lead vocalist in her high school band, and she's taking art major, Lilith is a great artist and talented rock singer/guitarist. She has bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, but her manic-depressive phases make her even better at making arts and music. That's the way she deals with her mental disorders : pouring all her emotions into creations as a coping mechanism.

Dustin Broke (Bentley Rogue) - age 22

He's rebellious, bad-ass, tough, daredevil, and likes to break the laws. He used to be a criminal and drug dealer in high school. He liked to smoke weed and use cocaine. Back then, he liked to steal things. But actually, he's not a bad person. He's really soft on the inside but pretends to be tough. He cares a lot about his seven housemates, especially his beloved girlfriend (Angela). His mother, Brandi Broke, is married to Dirk's father (Darren Dreamer) several years after his father (Skip Broke) passed away.

Then, he realized his dream was never to become a criminal. He quits his criminal career to become an architect. Also, he suffers from schizophrenia caused by the drugs and trauma (his then-alcoholic mother, Brandi Broke, often beat him up when he was a teen), but medications and his job keeps him stable. He's getting nicer and trying to do good, although his rebellious nature is never faded.

Dirk Dreamer (Bentley Brain) - age 21

He's good, selfless, genius, bookworm, and compassionate. He's the smartest among them in this squad. He graduated from medical school at age 19, then he took psychiatry specialization aside from his dream to be a general practitioner because he wants to recover his girlfriend (Lilith), his step-brother (Dustin), and his best friend (Angela) from their mental disorders. As a kind doctor, Dirk is always helping people or put everyone's priority first before him, especially all of his housemates. His hard-work is because he wants to make his late mother proud. He's good at treating sick people or saving lives, and he'll be distressed if he fails to keep them alive. But, he has a terrible sense of humor. He has a library in their house, full of his book collections. Despite his struggle with type 1 diabetes, it doesn't stop him to become a successful doctor. He wrote a best-selling book about his journey as a diabetic psychiatric resident.

Johnny Smith (Bentley Leader) - age 23

He's nice, athletic, charismatic, commanding, and a party animal. He's so confident despite having a green skin due to alien descent. As the squad leader (and the oldest member) who has a black belt in karate, Johnny is trying his best to guide and protect all his friends and lover (Ophelia) in this squad. Johnny is a great organizer and planner. His perfectionist nature makes him never missed any arrangement. He has a bachelor's degree in business. He also likes to be a party DJ in the clubs. He's the second-best home cook in their household after Angela. Although sometimes he's loud and bossy to his seven housemates, it's because he cares and wants the best for them. He suffers from OCD and PTSD because he got beaten up by 9 people, stabbed on his abdomen, and thrown to the filthy dumpster due to hate crime against green-skinned sims when he was 18. But, he's trying to let go of the past, learning karate, and became a successful young executive.

Ophelia Nigmos (Bentley Flower) - age 22

She's kind, worrywart, mysterious, graceful, and patient. She likes every kind of flower, and her hobbies are gardening and writing. Motherly and nurturing, Ophelia knows how to give attention to her seven friends/housemates (especially her boyfriend, Johnny). She likes children, and she's working as a kindergarten (sometimes elementary school) teacher. She's also a talented writer. She has a strong interest in literature and has a bachelor's degree in it. She's also a successful blogger and their Im-perfection website admin as well. Her parents died when she was 10, and she became independent and quiet since she moved to Olive Specter's house in Strangetown. She's often panicking and worrying about the smallest things. Although she has anxiety and paranoid personality disorder, caused by the ghosts of her old house, only writing and gardening that can calm her down beside the meds.

Ripp Grunt (Bentley Clown) -

age 21

He's playful, humorous, hyperactive, talkative, and a heartbreaker. He slept with more than ten women (and also slept with men). But, he never fell in love with them like the way he fell in love with Ophelia and Johnny. As a drama student, Ripp is a talented actor and entertainer. He's great at imitating impressions. He can do a pantomime or stand up comedies as well. He likes to sing/play guitar and often posting duet cover videos with Lilith. He also likes to post pranking videos. His nice and funny personality makes him great at consoling his seven housemates when any of them gets sad, even though he often cries alone when he remembers his past because his father and older brother (Buzz and Tank Grunt) abused him when he was a teen. He wants to become a successful actor and musician despite his struggles with ADHD and chronic gastritis. Although sometimes he can't control his manners or actions, He's still trying to do the best.

Puck Summerdream (Bentley Fancy) - age 22

He's good, shy, polite, thoughtful, and serious. Charming and well-mannered, Puck knows how to treat everyone nicely. Coming from the most respected and wealthy family beside The Capps in Veronaville, makes him the richest sim in this squad. But he's still humble and doesn't want to talk about his wealth. Unlike his peers in Veronaville, Puck didn't want to get involved with Capp-Monty feuds, and he's always trying to be nice to both sides. He likes to wear suits and bowtie. He's an expert in classical music because he has double degrees in mathematics and fine arts (music branch). He likes to play the piano, violin, saxophone, and he can conduct an orchestra as well. He often treats his seven friends at the restaurants, movie theatre, and concerts. His sensitive nature makes him a little bit over-emotional. Despite his weak heart, and his depression caused by the death of his girlfriend (Hermia Capp) due to the mass shooting at Academie Le Tour three years ago, Puck will never let grief or disease obstructing his dreams. He became a successful conductor, and his dream is to bring peace with his music.

Bonus pics

Six of them autonomously spending time together at the gym (Lilith is not in the pic).

Puck and his new girlfriend, Marina Prattle from Bridgeport. She's really a pretty sim for a sims 3 premade.

Does University Affect Student Mental Health and Wellbeing?

After being accepted to University, there are a few things that you need to do: register to classes, register with a GP, receive vaccinations, join societies, attend freshers fares, adhere to your new timetable, complete mass amounts of holiday tasks and eventually move in. It was an overwhelming possibility at the time. Still, my parents and I packed everything I owned into my surprisingly spacious, blue ford ka and set off to begin my new life. There were more storage boxes than I could count, the smell of polystyrene packaging lingered and an essential full length mirror split the vehicle in half, so mum and dad had to talk over it to ask me how excited I was.

Before I had chance to answer, we were at my accommodation, unpacking my possessions and greeting my new flat mates. My family, who I had lived with and seen every day of my life until now, proudly said goodbye and that these would be ‘the best years of your life’. I stood in the kitchen with six little chairs, six little cupboards and six little shelves in the fridge, where I would learn to cohabitate and I was unsure whether to feel ecstatic or scared. Instead I felt naked; all that covered me was a complimentary hoodie and a lanyard. I embraced it. I had been identified as a fresher and I intended to live like one. Even after summer, the fun shouldn’t stop so every day went something like this: 2pm wake up 3pm crawl to lecture 4pm go home 5pm see flat mates 6pm nap 7pm get ready 8pm pub 9pm pres 10pm pre drinking 11pm trebles (triple shots for the price of one) 12pm club 1am deep chats in the smoking area 2am after party 3am Maccies 4pm bed.

The University lifestyle consumed me as I attempted to survive, Bear Grills would not be impressed. My exiting English and Drama degree saw no routine, sleep, socialisation or food for weeks. Relationships broke down as quickly as I built them because freshers make friends then disappear for the holidays and we disperse all over the country like a millennial virus. I had never suffered from mental health problems before however, most of my friends were open about this and it allowed me to question my internal thoughts. Despite the struggle, I was educationally productive by devising pieces and throwing myself into work. One exercise occurred early morning for a workshop to help inspire ensembles to create their own piece, in which I and three others were chosen. One student walked an imaginary grid around the studio, one in slow motion, one speaking in a different language than myself, who was running to and fro whilst being prompted to improvise a monologue. It was based on the colour red. Connotations of love, fear and flowers popped into my head and out my mouth, as sweat rolled down my cheeks. I spoke about the taste of my mother’s cooking, how I was homesick because my friends were there and how relationships are irrelevant when you look at the bigger picture. They say the greatest thing you can do is move from your home town as it puts life into perspective. They tell you how wonderful life will be but not about the overwhelming need to visit your dog. Time passed as I scaled the room and an applause from my peers erupted once the other members of my group placed their arms around me. I only registered silence. This was now my coping mechanism... although I was unashamed to ask for additional support.

Entering The Student Wellbeing Center, I felt like a contestant on Stars in Your Eyes. ‘Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be...’ I step out of the lift; the cloud of smoke fades and a horseshoe shaped desk appears with sympathetic faces staring back. I approach Jackie with my fingers in a twist and she thankfully speaks first ‘hello, how can I help?’ I tried to form an answer in my head before tears reached my lips. ‘I’m not really sure; I’ve never done this before.’ The bitter taste of salt allowed me to compose myself as the woman spoke ‘I’m afraid you’ve come out of hours but if you let me scan your student card I can give you some information that may help you’. She handed me a leaflet and I hurried out of there, hoping no one I knew could see me.

The University of Lincoln Student Wellbeing Center offers counselling, academic support, multi-faith chaplaincy and documentation of your visits. Unknowing to me at the time, their drop in sessions are 12-2 Monday to Friday. Their website states ‘University life can be a fantastic experience, but it also comes with its own challenges, see what support is available here.’ It aids all students of diverse backgrounds from each gender, class and ethnicity. Upon contact I was informed ‘any questions would need to be processed and emailed to head office before being published’ and as they are understandably busy, their lack of response allowed me to carry out my own research. When asked ‘has University affected your mental health?’ in a 2019 poll on social media, 908 students voted yes against 93 voting no. This phenomenal response of a closed question shows the scale in which students are suffering from thoughts of self harm, negative ideas and the stress of deadlines. The question caused controversy as some students assume everyone agrees whereas other public members were open to further questions and contacted me with support. It must not be ignored that mental health effects all ages and social groups as an MQ landscape analysis 2015 found ‘1 in 4 people experience mental health problems each year – nearly 15 million people’. To gather an understanding of this population and unpick internal or external factors, I decided to meet those who suffer with mental health problems.

The library is a hive of potential and knowledge with students who gather to create a buzz. Between the honeycomb walls I have built a trust with two individuals who have openly shared their mental health experiences to help others however, their names have been changed for protection purposes. I met Chloe and Ross on my course and from a gendered perspective; they seemed like a good place to begin my research for finding ways in which university affects mental health.

I begin with Chloe by asking if the first year of university impacted her mental health; ‘At first I was in a better mental health state as I had problems at home and moving gave me the independence I needed, then as the year went by it started to deteriorate’. I thought back to when I had my jabs at the student medical center to avoid fresher's flu then the nurse slapped a plaster on after... asking this question felt a bit like that. Chloe continued ‘during freshers I was spiked and sexually assaulted which hugely affected my mental health’. I was already aware of these events; I had been at the other end of the phone when dark thoughts had crept into her head... it was just as hard hearing it the second time. I understand the appeal of £2 mixers in the club, but is it worth it when you leave wrapped in ambulance foil, looking like a jacket potato because someone has spiked you? On the plus side, £4 for two VK’s seems like a safer bet, as you can be more vigilant and protect yourself with a thumb over the head of a bottle. The need for recreational drugs shouldn’t give in to peer pressure and if you take them, it should be your own choice. The basics: always travel in groups, never walk home alone and don’t shit where you eat.

I find comfort in the next question, ‘did you seek help and if so, was the student wellbeing center useful?’ I ask. She thinks for a moment. ‘The waiting times are too long for a consultation. When I went to them, they were disorganized in sorting the appointment as they said it wouldn’t benefit my personal mental health issues’. Instead, she visited the University of Lincoln Student Health Centre where she was prescribed an initial dose of Mirtazapine: 15 mg orally once a day at bedtime. Side effects include loss of appetite and drowsiness alongside the recommendation of avoiding alcohol which impacts social ability if you’re a student. On the other hand, when asked what advice she would give to students who are suffering, she states ‘definitely get help when you feel yourself slipping. You don’t want to go too far.’ I wonder how such a small person handles such problems; I commend all 5ft 2 of her.

On his feet sits a pair of Dr Martens, fishnet tights and black attire stretches the length of his body. As a confident young man and aspiring actor, his assurance was affected when he started University as his friend died of Leukaemia which heightened his depression. Ross states that ‘coming to Uni has damaged my anxiety. I freaked out meeting new people and being in a different environment’. He adds ‘the first few weeks of university were uncomfortable but other than social drinking I wasn’t reliant on substances and improved my mental health on my own.’ Ready to further my education, University was the fresh start I needed therefore, I found it difficult to understand how Ross could move on from such a traumatic event.

Also, I couldn’t help differentiating the response between Ross and Chloe. I pointed this out to him and he nodded in response ‘men speaking about mental health has become a less taboo subject within society however, the practical mind-set some men inhabit, creates barriers.’ I asked him how he felt about seeking help as he shares his experience. ‘I didn’t go (to student wellbeing). I didn’t want to. I have a stigma that I can do this on my own. I sit and say I’m not alright to my friends but that’s about it’. His response supports the statistic that ‘In the UK, men are three times as likely to die by suicide as women. In the Republic of Ireland, the rate is four times higher among men than women’. This reminds me that some students are silent sufferers whereas other students have the confidence to become advocates for mental health awareness as it makes others less conscious when speaking out. University is a social construct and an unnatural situation so there is no wonder some students feel like a fish being asked to climb a tree. I support both personalities when approaching the subject of mental health.

Upon reflection I wrote this article in hope of self discovery, to empathise with others and to acknowledge the scale of this issue through research, facts and statistics. Although this piece seems to address first year students and their parents who may only identify the amazing, life changing experience of university, it is also a possibility that your child locks them self in their accommodation and doesn’t come into contact with anyone for days. This struggle applies to all audiences as every individual has good and bad days or negative thoughts without reasons behind them. The point is to check on your friends, even the ones who seem fine. From a young age we are shielded from the reality of suicide in society and the build up to this is ignoring mental health. The afore mentioned services appear in all Universities and they should be used alongside personal tutors provided by the faculty and the Student Help Desk that will address smaller issues such as losing your student card or solving timetable problems. From experience, first year is adapting, second year is the realisation of achieving deadlines that matter and third year is the worry of a dissertation. Despite the pressure, acknowledge what you have achieved and embrace the experience, because every day is a blessing when you struggle with a mental health problem.

By Rosie Blower

If you have been affected by any issues mentioned in this article please find support by visiting the student minds website: https://www.studentminds.org.uk/findsupport.html

Hi!! Can I get a matching making thing? I’m a ENFJ who’s a short gay boy. I’m a Virgo who’s a hard worker (most my classes are honors/AP). People tell me I have a very calm & trusting vibe so people always come to me when they need help or have a secret. I enjoy writing & traveling. I’m pretty dorky & nerdy plus am involved with my school’s mock government & model un programs. [PT 1/2]

“People also say I’m very funny & I highly enjoy memes & am overall very witty. I suffer from ocd, depression, & anxiety but do what I can to be my best. I‘m a huge clown and love having fun/being goofy especially since I’m very social. I love talking to people and telling stories which people also say I’m very good at I’m always told I’m entertaining/fun lol. I’m a very supportive person & love being my friend’s hype man. Thank you so much!! I’m so excited!! [PT 2/2]“

Asahi:

Reasons:

Would be so cute first of all, soft little anxious baby with a social comedian? I love it so much.

He would support you so much, omfg.

Like all of the OCD, Depression, and Anxiety? He’d be so sweet and patient with you. Especially since he’s no stranger to things like anxiety. He’d take mental health days with you, let you come to him in your own time about things, he’d never push you to tell him things, and would honestly just do his best to be whatever you need him to be that day. A shoulder to cry on? He’s got broad ones. Someone to vent to? This boi listens so well. Just someone to lay against and watch movies with all day? Okay, let him call off of work. He loves you with his entire being.

Since you tend to be more extroverted than he is I feel like you guys would balance each other out really well. He’d be really impressed by all of your extracurriculars. 

He’d also just love how he feels when he’s around you. Calm and honestly confident in himself. He figures if he can get a guy like you to fall for him, then he must be doing something right

Asahi would absolutely love having a hype man too, even if it embarrasses him he’d secretly be super happy with the support.

First Meeting:

Asahi would fall first and very easily. It would be an on site kinda thing.

He’d just think you were really cute, and be super anxious about how he thinks you’re kinda out of his league.

I feel like it would be something like the opening ceremonies where clubs are pitching their clubs to first years. He’d see you are the model un booth or something and be stunned.

Suga and Daichi probably “Gently push” him into talking to you, and introducing himself.

After it went well, he’d just be a super gay panicked baby.

How you get together:

Asahi would invite you to games, and practices a lot, and always offer to walk you home afterwards. 

He’d be really happy with how your friendship is going, and he’d want more honestly.

Again, you just make him feel really supported, and carefree. He loves that about you.

It would be on a walk home, and he’d be nervous, but honestly would take a leap of faith and confess to you.

It would probably be a really long and disgustingly cute info dump on all the reasons he likes you, and why he thinks you two would be a great couple, and just would become an anxious and embarrased gay mess. I love this man so fucking much.  

Inuoka:

Reasons:

Inuoka? B-best boy? He is so good and I’m crying

Would be so fucking supportive, and like perceptive as fuck? He’d remember all of your comfort/coping mechanism and do his very best to accommodate. 

Yall would have a banging rapport. Like you two would go back and forth with jokes and stories. He just has great energy.

You think you’re a hype man? Inuoka will have no idea what’s happening in your model un meetings, and still be there as a disruptive cheerleader.

Expect a lot of displays of affection, I feel like Inuoka is just a ball of sunshine, and would loooove physical affection.

He’d always wanna hold you hand, and have an arm wrapped around you, or give you spontaneous hugs and soft kisses. He’d always brag about his cute boyfriend.

Type to have pictures of the two of you together on everything he owns, phone, laptop, in his locker, he is just in love love.

Basically he’s just a sweet sunshine baby and would be such a sweet baby boyfriend.

Reasons I didn’t pick him:

This is similar to the last one where I think he’d be a really amazing match for you, but there was something about Asahi that felt right.

I just think there would be more balance in a relationship with Asahi, more opportunity to slow things down and I think he needs someone a little more extroverted to bring him out of slumps, where Inuoka is already an Optimist

I seriously considered writing a whole first meeting, and how you get together headcanon list for him too but I didn’t think it would be fair to others so I didn’t. If you want me too feel free to request stuff when I reopen the inbox!!! 

An awakening in a new decade...

2020, A new decade. A decade where we seem to be a bit more awakened to the world and to all of the bs, corruption and harm in it! We care about our planet and it’s species, more now than ever...and it’s funny because this was the prediction for 2012. The mayans predicted an awakening felt across the world. So maybe this awakening is just a little bit late.

For me personally, it’s also a bit of an awakening, this is an amazing decade ahead, of things I’ve manifested. I plan to expand my business. My first born daughter is getting married, and has followed her career dreams. My husband is doing incredibly well in his position. My girls are thriving. My friendships are genuine and real. My self esteem is on point. My focus is clear. My goals are precise. But it wasn’t always this way. And I will continue to be a work in progress. I manifested my main goal in life, to be a good mom, inspiring, and an honest role model. Even though I made some terrible choices in the past, I still managed to do this. You are not your past.

Some things that I’ve learned from the last decade about myself are, I still suffer a very small amount, from insecurities due to other people’s views of me. It’s psychological I’ve realized. It’s from emotional trauma through my period of self destruction. People can be so cruel. There’s no way to sugar coat this. And through my difficult time, other people’s views affected me more than they’ll ever know. Whispering, judging, spreading rumours...it DESTROYS people. It took me 12 years of clarity, to finally feel and realize that people do this out of their own insecurities. A good trick I’ve learned, is to look for the good in people, and ask yourself, why are they the way they are? Why do they find me so interesting. Why do they whisper about others? Why do they treat people that way? Why do they need other people to make them feel whole? When you turn bitterness, jealousy, and envy, into empathy or even sympathy and curiosity, and start to think about them and their choices and surroundings, it’s much easier to swallow and to move past it. And you know what, if you have these feelings, that is OK! Whether people are or aren’t judging you. If you didn’t have these feelings, you wouldn’t be human! We all get jealous, or envious, or insecure. Just figure out how to deal with it. How to release it. It’s NOT your burden to carry what others think of you.

I’ve learned that my body is beautiful, I love it. It brought me my beautiful daughters. My husband finds it sexy. He loves my curves, my strong arms, and even my little bit of cottage cheese on the backs of my thighs. Yep I said it. And cellulite sucks. Bless sarongs.

We live in an era now where social media is taking over the world, almost forcefully it seems. It’s become a normal part of our lives. It’s how people communicate, stay in touch, blog, inspire, sell, promote, complain...which isn’t great, but hey, better out than in (wise words from Shrek). People are open about anxiety and depression and panic attacks, and the struggles of parenthood, and many more struggles, and it’s much more normalized now, because it IS part of being human. A big trend in society is wellness. Documentaries on thinking yourself well, how the mind and attitude contribute to your overall health. Which, I mean, how great is that? There’s a huge abundance of it on social media.

I personally get anxiety from time to time, I recognize it, I share it, using writing to express myself, I move past it, and I find a lot of inspiring, real life women from across the globe, posting about the very same thing, and how they personally cope and manage. It’s a great tool for advice, tips and feeling human.

Exercise is my go to for EVERYTHING! Same routine for the past 10 plus years. Up early, coffee, workout, start the day. I love working out in the comfort of my home, I didn’t always, but once I got into a good groove, I really started to love it, and as I’m aging, I’m also noticing more tweaks and pangs in my body, so I listen. I alternate workouts, whether it’s running, or yoga, or HIIT, or my newest passion, spin!

I feel good, I feel fit, I’m not skinny. I’m strong, and maintaining muscle mass as we age is crucial in keeping our bodies strong, so if I can emphasize one thing, it’s be, and stay active. Good for mental health and good for physical health. And please don’t diet! It’s a short term solution! Be patient and consistent with just a well balanced diet, smaller portions, better choices, vegan is seriously amazing, and do something active everyday for at least 20 minutes.

Now back to the social media thing...it’s a wonderful tool, but it’s also a very damaging tool to people suffering from low self esteem or who are comparison living. I find myself getting caught up in it too sometimes. And I notice my emotions drastically change. I don’t feel great, and it turns into irritation, and mood swings. Hmmm irritation and mood swings from scrolling social media? Sound familiar? Yeah...because it happens to most of us. What is it exactly? Jealousy? Annoyed? Just an overload of pretend? Comparing? So guess what...change it. Unfollow. Hide. Or eliminate. Anyone who doesn’t make you feel good when you see their picture or post, should not be on your feed. My biggest goal this year and forward, quality in life, over quantity. “The little red heart on Instagram is now widely considered currency for public approval” ~ Health Canada How unhealthy does that sound?

Some don’t like my honesty, but I’ll never change who I am because of it. I like to share personal and honest so that whomever out there, even if it’s just one person, can read it, and exhale and feel normal or not alone.

You don’t have to accept aging if you don’t want to. You can express being overwhelmed. You don’t have to be a part of something that you can’t be yourself in. You don’t have to go to that family function. You don’t have to please people. An actual statistic, 64% of women have people pleasing coping mechanisms!!! 64%!! That’s 6.5 out of 10 women are trying to please others at the cost of what?

You are the only person who can protect your peace and those who matter in your life, really don’t mind. Remember my blog about the ripple affect. It’s very real. Push yourself to be or do what you don’t really want to be or do, and watch it ripple down into other aspects of your life. Relationships shift, weight shifts, work is harder than normal, motivation tanks...it all gets affected when you aren’t living true to yourself. And when I say true to yourself, I mean, when you are feeling at your best, not questioning anything, or putting yourself in uncomfortable situations, when you feel like the best version of you, stop and take note of what’s exactly going on in your life, and strive for more of that. It’s not all gonna be perfect, there’s always gonna be ebbs and flows...but you shouldn’t be living everyday feeling awful on the inside, but smiling on the outside. Reach out. Or write it down and burn it. Find a way to get back to you. Have a time out.

Surround yourself with people who truly inspire you. Who are consistent in their behaviour. Who you feel really good around. Not unsure, or uneasy. That, my friends is your intuition speaking to you when you don’t feel quite right around a person or people, or in a situation you shouldn’t be in. Listen to it.

Yes it’s great to step out of your comfort zone, but not at the cost of your peace.

I used to feel bad about being such a home body, I’m missing this and that, but in the past few years I’ve stopped feeling bad about it, because this time, right now, this tiny window of time that I have with my kids is so valuable and important to ME personally. Travelling with my family, weekend activities, downtime.. I’ll have all the time in the world to do other things when they’re grown. And that’s just me. Some women thrive on ALL of it! And you are amazing too! I feel overwhelmed and get run down easily if I pile my plate too high...maybe because I’m an energy absorber? Maybe not. But I’ve learned that I don’t function at my best on mom auto pilot. I’ve learned though to say, I’m tapping out, BEFORE the eruption of motherhood. That’s part of getting to know yourself. Time with your spouse. Time out. You time.

Don’t set unrealistic goals, don’t force yourself to do things you don’t wanna do, celebrate yourself with self care as much as you can, confide in your spouse, or closest confidantes, and nobody else, change jealousy and bitterness to empathy and curiosity about why people are the way they are. And use challenges with people as growth.. what did I learn from this.

Everyone’s fighting a battle we know nothing about! Even the happiest people in the world have struggles now and again!

I’m enjoying the shift I see happening in the universe. People calling people out for their wrong doings. Not accepting that in our world more and more. Reusing more. Not ashamed to state we buy used. Used clothing is no longer taboo! People are spending more time with family. More time getting to know themselves, FOMO is becoming a thing of the past, as it’s now trendy to enjoy being a homebody, listening to a podcast. Women are empowering each other more than ever. If a woman is body shamed by one or two, one hundred or two hundred are defending her. Magazine covers are curvy women, elderly women, disabled women...and they’re just as beautiful, as any model that graced the covers in the past. Men are allowed to cry and show emotion, and promote being family men and active dads over “bread winners and workaholics”. Skinny is out. Healthy is in. Strong is in. Kindness is in. Vegan is in. So even though the world still seems a bit scary, it is shifting...focus on the positives. And allow yourself to have days where you see the negatives, but don’t stay there, allow it, move on. You are human. It’s not only unrealistic, but unfair to yourself to not have bad days! They’re growth days ♥️

Living your life simply, true to yourself, focused on the right priorities, knowing you are loved, and giving love back, is how you manifest all the goodness and goals and dreams. Living otherwise is putting a block on allowing good things into your life ✨ Just be you and watch the magic happen.

Fic Writer Meme! tagged by @aban-asaara, thank you!! a nice meme to self-indulgently wind down with after a stressful day...

What is your total word count on AO3?

160,546. I had forgotten all about the AO3 stats page until having to dig that out, oops. I have more short drabbles etc on tumblr as well (and a LOT of stuff I just... never finished/posted anywhere).

How often do you write?

varies hugely depending on what else is going on in my life. In good times, I aim for daily, at least 500 words. During years I participate in NaNoWriMo, 1500-2000 per day in November. Other times I just can’t make even 500 happen with work/etc. Still more other times, my depression kicks in and I’m pretty useless at everything, and unfortunately go months with no writing at all. 

Do you have a routine for writing?

I try to write in several short bursts. If doing 500/words/day, then two chunks of 250, and some editing/planning on top. If during NaNoWriMo, 4 chunks of about 500 words each. If I really push myself to get them done in sections, I spend less time fiddling around, but the break between them makes it still relaxing/fun.

I also have a computer/document setup that works very well for me. I write on a laptop that can scroll between several different ‘desktop’ screens. I have one for fun stuff, and set one aside for writing. The only browser window/tabs allowed to be open on that desktop are writing-related ones--research, youtube clips of scenes, wiki articles, etc. All other fun stuff goes on the other desktop where it can’t distract me while I get through a section. Then over the browser I have two word documents: one on the left titled “[StoryTitle.docx]”, and one next to it titled “[StoryTitleNotes.docx]”. On the left is the “final version” of what I’m working on--aka the working document, with the most current edits/chapters/etc. The right “Notes” one is for outlines, summaries, lines I had to delete but might want to use somewhere else, passages I haven’t gotten to yet but wanted to sketch out before I lost the inspiration for them, quotes that I want to echo the feel of, copied dialogue from the game so I don’t forget it, etc etc. Anything related to the story in the working document that I might want to reference. The notes doc can be fairly messy--my level of organization for it changes from project to project. But it makes it WAY easier for me mentally to delete and tweak things when I can put them somewhere else just in case it turns out the first way was better. 

What are your favorite kinks/tropes/pairing?

Ohh... my pairings are pretty obvious, I’m really into Lavellan/Solas, Hawke/Fenris, and Shepard/Garrus. 

But what I’m really into is Hawke/the concept of found family and also various coping mechanisms+mental health issues; Lavellan/the weight of duty above all else, Shepard/the giddy knowledge that you won’t survive what you have to turn yourself into in order to save everything you love, Ryder+Sam/breaking the boundaries of what it means to be a single conscious entity...  

my big literary kinks are pretty much any narrative that has to do with one or more of the following: self-sacrifice, the transcendence of humanity in pursuit of a goal, the knowledge of the futility of one’s actions, the duality of self plus other, the terrifying and terrible beauty of rage, stubborn and violent perseverance in the face of insurmountable odds, the frailty of people who nonetheless fool everyone into believing they’re not broken. I am also a very big fan of nontraditional formats, and the meta-narrative of a story over usual structure. 

tl;dr: I like my fiction weird. 

Like... I recognize that most of my fics. Do not include a majority of these. And the ones that do aren’t really very popular. The one that gets closest to these concepts is probably the people you love become ghosts inside of you, and like this, you keep them alive which very few people read and got almost no attention. But I knew that when I posted it. I wrote it for me, after finishing the ME trilogy for the first time. The above tropes show up way more in my original writing, while I use fanfiction as a break from these more complicated/heavier themes, and to just have some fun with less technical writing. They’re there, just in smaller doses.

Fics with that sort of bend are WAY harder to search for than ones based on pairings though so like... if you have recs for anything that follows the above themes. please send them to me. i’m dying. please. 

Do you have a favorite fic of yours?

How can I not answer this with Fallout from the Fade? It’s my baby. It’s the longest thing I’ve consistently written, without getting bored and abandoning it halfway through. It will probably take me a while yet (depending on mental health/writing pace/etc) to finish but I know how it ends, and most of how to get there. It’s also the third fanfiction I had ever started writing. The beginning feels rough to me when I go back to it (which an inevitable fact of my decision to post as I write/not use beta readers, which I still think was the only way for me to do this story), but I still think a lot of my ideas were clever and my execution may not have been perfect but it was pretty good. I’ve learned a lot while writing this fic.

And also I love to make people suffer. Knowing that people have shed literal tears because of things i have written fills me with the delightful glee to push forward. 

But really. Comments mean the world to me. They spur me on through rough patches where I otherwise abandon works. I’m really not used to having an audience: most of what I’ve written in my life is original content that I don’t post/share. Having other people also invested makes me feel accountable, in a good way. 

Other honorable mentions: I think Grief is one of my best fics in terms of execution and balance. Less a man than a wild cat and A Slip of the Tongue were both exercises in pacing/timing as well as forays into the highly unfamiliar territory of comedy. The aforementioned the people you love become ghosts inside of you, and like this, you keep them alive satisfies my eternal desire for weird presentation and ideology taking a front seat over narrative structure (I have like. 4 other partial fics similar to this that will probably never be posted because I know they’re what I want to explore, not what other people actually want to read).

Your fic with the most kudos?

Fallout from the Fade, with 626.

Anything you don’t like about your writing?

I wish I was more consistent about sitting down and working. I managed it for 6 straight months when I started the fanfic gig, but to be fair, during that time I also had no friends and spent 5 days every other week camped out in Death Valley with no internet and nothing to do but write and brainstorm. Having the barest scrapings of a social life now that I’ve moved doesn’t do much for wordcount, it turns out.

Now something you do like?

I think I can write about mental illness realistically without it coming across as either overdramatic or idealistic. I like my descriptions, when I allow myself to use them (y’all don’t want to see how flowery most of my works would be without my self control). I have visibly improved since I started writing in 2015. 

i feel like a lot of my original circle on tumblr isnt active/writing anymore but gonna tag some people w/ no obligation… @leviathanmirror  @seekingidlewild @littleblue-eyedbird @loquaciousquark @kayla-bird and anyone else who wants to answer!! feel free to tag me if you do it, im lonely... 

A Day In A Life

They say retrospect is a wonderful thing. To be able to review; objectively and honestly – moments, times or even periods of time. Critically or loosely. Positively or negatively. Sometimes that essential clarity of thought cannot be granted until enough time has passed, as the mind (it has been known) to play tricks on us. In this particularly unique instance it has taken me this long – twenty-two years, in fact – to be openly able to absolutely look everything in the eye and be brutally frank. To the point where it’s almost completely written in the third-person, about another individual.

 I suppose it could be as much the self-therapy I’ve wanted to gift myself, as it is hopefully a document of mental health learning for others. Tomorrow I will turn the grand, fuddy-duddy, middle-aged, wrinkle-washed age of forty-four. Double the age of probably the most pivotal and instrumental birthday anniversary of my life. Those who have known me forever will know why – but as I try not to assume that I know everything about everyone – this is a story from a very jittery life journey. Having lost people; friends and acquaintances from my generation to mental health struggles and coping mechanisms which didn’t work – “every little helps”, as Tesco says.

 On Wednesday, May 7th, 1997, I travelled back to Nottingham; to my university life, having visited my mother after a write-off, nasty car accident had broken both her legs. She used to tell me up to that point “I’ve been driving twenty-five years and had no accidents, so don’t tell me how to drive!” When the time had clearly come to blemish the self-prognosed perfect driver’s record – it was done in destructive style. Anyway, having left my pin-legged mother in Llanelli, I returned to pre-arranged birthday drinks in Nottingham. A month or so away from completing my BA (Hons) Communication Studies course, this was to be probably the last big celebration before a month of coursework was to be completed. Life was good (apart from the aforementioned Mrs Damon Hill-Jones’s road exploits).

 After a few hours of not paying for any drinks, I felt on the brink of being annihilated - should I drink any more. So, after running into my work colleague from my part-time job at the Beatroot nightclub, the two of us diverted from Sam Fay’s late bar – to his nearby flat, near Nottingham castle, so I could chill out for an hour. The plan was to return and see the night out until 2am. Whether the walk and fresh air had helped or not, I had a semi-second wind. We got to his flat and my ideals of birthday grandeur got the better of me. I wanted a bottle of bubbles. At that time of night, the only place I could get one would be a nightclub, so we ordered a taxi to take us to…sigh….The Black Orchid. A cheesy, yet huge club in the enterprise park which had Wednesday student night on. Did I need the bottle? No, yet the cab was booked.

 It was at this point that my mental hard drive crashed. My next memory was waking up in a hospital bed, the following afternoon, with not only my friends around the bed, but my father as well. I opened my eyes and asked; “What happened?”, as if I was in a scene of a film where the character had woken up in heaven – only to be sent back to earth with a completely abstract life narrative to the one which was being played up to the Wednesday. Turns out I had probably had another drink at my friend’s, at some point of the night consumed a small amount of amphetamines, then passed out on the first-floor landing, but falling sharply down the twenty feet of stairs on my head, all the way.

Now, with music playing loudly, my workmate and his flatmate heard nothing. It was their neighbour who heard a large ‘thud’, who rang the doorbell in concern which alerted them, along with the taxi which had arrived outside. There was blood everywhere. I had fractured my skull, torn nerves while breaking my nose and had a slight haemorrhage on the side of my head. Five days were spent in Nottingham’s QMC Hospital, mostly sleeping. On the Saturday, I remember getting out of bed in a complete fuzzy daydream, wearing only one of those crappy bed gowns; walking to the toilet with the nurse calling after me “Nathan! Where are you going?” “Home!” was the abrupt, muddled answer. I urinated, went back to bed and proceeded to enter hibernation once again.

 Doctors said I was lucky to be alive. There was a dent at the front of my cranium, around an inch long. Had that been an inch higher in position on my skull – I was told I would have died. Those nerves I severed were my smell and taste nerves, so I’ve had very diminished senses in those departments, since. Most pivotal – was my doctor, back in Llanelli; once I returned and spent another five days in Prince Phillip Hospital, he said “You will experience some depression and levels of fatigue.” Immediately, in my head I decided – no I won’t. Not the depression, anyway. I’ll find a way of keeping lively and feeling good. The fact Being ruled out of playing rugby or football for at least nine months became a huge problem. My penultimate match played before the incident was for Wales Students Rugby League team against Scotland. The previous summer I had trained pre-season with my beloved Llanelli RFC, with the likes of Stephen Jones and Ieuan Evans; taking my fitness to a new level. I was twenty-two with the world at my feet. There was no way I was stopping. Unsurprisingly, it took a very short space of sleepy, anxious time to realise I’d have to succumb to the doctor’s prognoses.

 Panic attacks began, embarrassingly in public while visiting a friend for their birthday in August 1997, having seen out three months of ‘no alcohol’ from my doctor’s orders. I had no energy. Not even enough to complete my coursework, so Nottingham Trent University gave me an extension of three months – to the end of August, to submit my work. However, I was living away from the university and my beloved friends. What the hell was happening? No energy; forced to live with my mother and brother while my father and sister both lived in Cardiff; both studying for their new careers. Here beginneth the hardest years of my life.

 By the end of 1997, I had managed to graduate successfully, but I was by then suffering heavy depression and anxiety, fuelled by the loneliness of having no friends around; not knowing why I was on earth and wanting to die. I had lost all tracking of whom I was, what I was doing and where any of it was going. Plus, glandular fever had bitten me hard, taking a month out of my glorious, progressive freezer job at Asda.

In January 1998, I was charged with drink-driving, having driven home on Christmas week with no care for repercussions; caught on camera making a U-turn in a forbidden area. While living at home with my mother caused all sorts of tension, arguments and vitriol, the only thing which kept me partially sane was my first set of turntables. With very few points of company around in a reversal of vibrant, university life – it was me; and the decks. Over time, it became a slow, fearful return to “normal” life. I have never been a naturally confident person – easily intimidated in the past by louder, overconfident characters, but this new anger in me – for what I didn’t know – became something, someone – I had to allow to be played out. Not a villain, but an even more insecure little boy to that one on the morning of May 7th, 1997. Unapologetically cavalier, which only cost me at times – and those who suffer depression will know how past mistakes can eat the soul of those who made the mistakes.

For many years I refused to accept depression and anxiety were a part of me. My mother has since told me she believed it began with my grandfather’s death when I was seventeen, but I know from looking deeply inside myself, from exploring instincts I’ve always had, but with which I’ve had to become accustomed – questions I’ve asked in early teenage years, that my fears and those scared instincts – must be tied into my neurological wiring. Throughout my early twenties, from that point I lived out wild teenage years – years locked away inside the vault of a strict upbringing. Partying. Having to surrender, also – any instinctive passion or talent I had for playing rugby, from being oversensitive to knockbacks and increasing lack of confidence.

 Seventeen thousand career changes later, I find myself at almost full-circle completion point. Only now, a bit of maturity (which I appreciate) makes the Peter Pan in me; hopefully a more reasoned character and person. I went into teaching (having told myself at eighteen I would never become a teacher) to try forging a predictable, 9-to-5 life for myself in a past relationship. To try proving to myself I was a virtuous individual (ironically omitting the thought that there are vile and immoral teachers out there too – luckily not many, but there are!) among the clouds of twentysomething decisions – without realising I didn’t have to almost burn myself out a second time, by becoming something I was not aligned with - to prove I could be virtuous and good. Back, now; working in hospitality and trying to revitalise my DJ career (as that’s what I always wanted to do), playing music I love and believe in – rather than what I fooled myself into thinking others wanted, in those hazy days.

 Personally, visiting a psychologist in 2013 (my own choice) to try fathoming whether I had ADHD – which could explain these seventeen-thousand career changes, as well as lack of interest in my later school days – may have given me the road signs I needed. Being told it wasn’t attention deficit, but depression – being medicated has been like having a carbon monoxide fan for the air I breathe. It can always seep back into the oxygen channels, but I have now the ability to blow it away. The ridiculousness of life is something I have to laugh at – I don’t believe in staying miserable (despite being the younger Victor Meldrew). I appreciate the chances I have now and my family life. The point being – the imbalanced brain wires may have always been there but became violently exacerbated by this accident. I cannot stress enough how important it is to consult a mental health professional. Drop the pride, the façade and ideals of grandeur – everyone has some kind of something going on. Some are better are dealing with it than others.  Some can’t hold on in the battle.

 In one of those seventeen thousand careers – twenty years ago, in fact – I worked at what was, pretty much – an abuse line, call-centre; at British Gas in Cardiff. One reason I didn’t last there was because I am not a salesman. Plus, I’m an impatient non-salesman. In this job, the department had to deal with calls from people who had been mis-sold contracts by field agents, selling gas and electricity. On one memorable occasion an English man called, calling me a “f***ing c***” for asking him to explain – a little slower – what exactly happened and how he was conned. When I told him I’d hang up if he didn’t change his abusive tone, he replied “Sorry, I haven’t had my medication today, have I love?” To which his wife, shouting in the background answered, “No, he hasn’t.”

 I still laugh at that, knowing that’s the bar of communication I’d prefer to stay beneath.

hey I've seen you reblog stuff about drugs and stuff and I just wanted to ask what narcatics were you into? random and blunt question but just curous. I'm having a hard time lately... drinking but I'm trying to quit with with it now and just started weed. I just feel like it's neve gonna be better, you know? shit I so okay for so long and then it all goes to fucking hell again. I'm sorry for unloading like this....

It’s okay, I hope you don’t mind if I ramble a long-ass answer. I was mainly addicted to drugs that were not traditionally considered addictive physically, just psychologically. My main drugs of choice were weed, acid, mushrooms and occasionally molly. I never had a huge problem with alcohol, as in I didn’t drink often but when I did I went way overboard and would often mix drugs that would make me very ill. Weed was okay for me at first before I went overboard and was spending hundreds a month, and I am not completely anti-weed like some people in NA, but I think there are people who can and can’t handle it mentally. I can’t. If you have mental health issues, especially anxiety (though I’ve seen some people it can help their anxiety), paranoia, dissociation, derealization or hallucinations/problems with reality to begin with, it is like playing with fire. I’m not saying you should panic, everyone has different reactions, but I could never smoke again after the bad acid trips and ego deaths I’ve had. Too many flashbacks. And I got serotonin syndrome a lot. I quit using 17 months ago and I’m still dealing with effects like visual fractals, a new worldview and mood problems. 

For about a year I was suicidal and having panic attacks every day, and I had to work double shifts while crying and vomiting (quiting was not an option because we are too poor and I did not want to be homeless again, especially in that condition). It takes a while for your brain to recover and learn to produce it’s own serotonin after smoking weed every day for two years, so there is a major depression that occurs when you get clean. I lost my appetite for a couple months, and also couldn’t sleep on my own. Drugs were basically my go-to for every minor inconvenience, so learning to be a person again and deal with problems directly was difficult. I became extremely paranoid while detoxing. I also lost all interest in everything, I experienced no joy and only dread, terror and depression. My obsessions such as movies and music were no longer enough to enjoy, I needed to experience them on absurd amounts of psychedelics and meditate on them and see them from weird perspectives to appreciate them. I have started gaining back my appreciation for the little things in life again by now. 

The hardest part for me was coming to terms with the fact that I will never be the same as I was before ever again, and now I just have to adjust. It sucks that I was a teenager while this was happening, and my brain was still developing, so now it became a part of my youth and shaped my personality a lot. But I try to think of it positively, because now I have a new chance to become a better person, I have a fresh start and not many people can have a second chance after fucking up and having no common sense. I am lucky to have not gotten into any legal trouble, though a lot of relationships were destroyed, I really deserved it. I am not trying to self-pity, but it is a fact that I have suffered beyond words and been to hell (I’m not religious but to me hell is a psychological state of torment and existential darkness and lack of reality), but I have also grown as a person and become exponentially more self-aware, empathetic, introspective and accepting of my defects. 

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel it will never get better. When you’re in darkness it effects your whole perception and sense of reality and colors every area of life. We lose our memory of anything good ever. Kind of like a Dementor from harry Potter has sucked out our soul, which Dementors incidentally were written by JK Rowling as an analogy of her depression (Sorry for random reference, I am a fan of Harry Potter). But we are both still young, well I am and I assume you are as well as I don’t know many elderly people on Tumblr, and time changes things. Time doesn’t heal, but it does give you the opportunity to heal and grow. Nothing will ever magically heal, we will always be addicts, but you will have good days, and some very good days and memories, and those are worth riding through the bad to get to. It is very difficult to keep perspective, but I spent a couple years of my life on drugs. I have 70 years left ahead of me, best case scenario. This is not the end at all. 

I have seen people successfully drink and smoke and not become upset or addicted, but I have Asperger’s and BPD and I was foolish to ignore the sensitivities and chances I was taking and I put my trust into the wrong influences and people. I have developed my own coping mechanisms throughout my life, because addiction was obviously not the first and only trauma I’ve been through, I’ve been having issues since being a toddler basically including emotional violent abuse from the time I was born, sexual assault, personal deaths, bullying, self-harm and mental illness, having parents who are mentally ill and unstable and dealing with their suicide threats as a child, divorce, homelessness, murderers in the family, robbery, knife attacks, being a therapist to my mother, trying to stay objective as she described to me her post-partum depression involving demons telling her to throw me off a balcony and molest me, multiple suicide attempts of my own including a horrendous overdose, multiple hospitalizations, medications, dating a man in his 40’s as a young teen, being cheated on twice, coming to grips with my LGBT identity, and much more. I grew up in a fantasy world, always acting and playing pretend even to this day, I live my life through the eyes of my favorite characters, even while alone. AT this point it is very easy for me to detach from my emotions and reality and observe my own suffering as though I was a character in a movie or something. This is also why I have a decent tolerance to pain. I just view it as an experience, a memory. Time is really an illusion, so when I am hurt, I just remember that in a few hours it will be like nothing ever happened. 

Also, the one most important message I took from NA is probably the simplest, and most people don’t give it a second thought because it’s just a cliche to them, but when you really meditate on it and practice it, you realize how incredibly true and helpful it is: “One day at a time.” And that motto is a principle, not have to take it literally. I know for a lot of people, myself included, it can be more like one minute at a time, but you really gotta try to keep priorities in sight and self-care when need be. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to help yourself but go to sleep all day. It is fine to do that. I have trained myself to fall asleep relatively quickly using deep, controlled stomach breathing and and stims and mental focus patterns such as waterfalls, space travel, etc, movement that stays constant and is relaxing. Music helps too, but only without lyrics. There are a lot of sound pieces on youtube and stuff made for relaxing, like the sound of rain, or nature like the ocean or amazon. Whatever suits you. It is handy to have an off button like a computer sometimes. You just shut down and reboot. 

I’m not saying it is healthy to be avoidant, and I definitely have shut down and become very robotic as of late, but it is highly preferable to the alternative for me until when/if I learn better skills. You will hopefully feel better when you wake up, whether it was physical anxiety or mental or both. Plus, scientifically, sleep and dreaming is when our brains process information and memories, so we may come to familiarize ourselves with unknown fears or stresses while we sleep and wake up more able to deal with them rationally without the fight or flight. One day at a time ties in to a concept we call “the triangle of self-obsession”, and it relates to how living in the past causes resentments, focusing on negatives in the present causes anger, and fear stems from living in the future. One day at a time, take shit as it comes and don’t cross bridges before you get to them. of course, planning still is good but we must be flexible and not place our whole mental state on something that hasn’t happened yet. Anger roots back to fear, fear roots back to lack of control, and once we accept that we really cannot control everything and be omnipresent and all-knowing puppetmasters, we become more humble. 

I myself have come to terms with the fact that I am very narcissistic. I never thought I was, due to low self-esteem, but it only recently occurred to me that being narcissism is usually just a symptom of low self-esteem anyways, and it is just expressed differently. Some people build massive egos and brag. For me, my narcissism forms through being self-centered and selfishly focused on my own problems. Some people focus daily on distinguishing whether they are living and acting on their own will or their higher power’s will, and adjusting their behavior accordingly, because living on our own will is what got us in this position in the first place. I don’t really have a higher power in the traditional sense at this point, but it is still good to be mindful that I am not the center of everything, and that even though I claim to be open-minded, I am still just as judgmental and hypocritical as anyone else, I just express and experience it in different ways. Anyways, long tangent, no one cares, I will shut up now. I am kind of a basketcase, but if you need to talk, you can message or dm me anytime.

It's taken me most of my life to partially grasp my mental disorder.  People who think they can do "extended internet research" and try to tell others how they should deal with their shit simply have no idea, and it’s becoming incredibly frustrating to see over and over. The process of actually going through therapy isn’t simple.  There are so many variables when it comes to doctors and health insurance coverage alone that many just aren’t capable of navigating.  This is under the assumption that you’re even covered at all – many don’t cover mental health.  Which in itself is a message of how wrongly people think of mental health. So, you’re in therapy, okay?  What next?  Oh, it’s just years and years of working through years and years of abuse and trauma, and it comes in all kinds of flavours.  There’s no map to navigate even people diagnosed with the same disorders; they manifest entirely differently despite sharing similar symptoms. There is no common treatment and therapy may not even help. But therapy is the first step, and it’s a step only those prepared for it can take.  I saw three doctors in my youth before I had any idea what was wrong with me. No surprises!  They didn’t help, because I wasn’t there because I wasn ready to deal with it.  I didn’t know how to!  And after my first doctor practically encouraged me to try and take my life, the second telling me I’m an awful person, I wasn’t really in the business of trusting these doctors.  What happened with the third?  She allowed my mom to sit in on our sessions of me refusing to talk and they eventually just had soap opera gossip sessions. Needless to say, I wasn’t going back to a doctor for a long time.  In fact, I didn’t see another until I was around 23.  That’s…almost seven or eight years after the last.  After I turned 19, I didn’t have health insurance until I was 22/23, so even if I’d wanted to I couldn’t.  But this time I elected it of my own accord and it wasn’t as dramatic as those prior.  No, this one was quite boring and didn’t really go anywhere.  The doctor didn’t really seem to know how help me navigate to the point to start dealing with things, and after a month and a half casual banter, he took a sick leave.  I rescheduled for next week, which turned into nexk week again, and eventually a month…I stopped rescheduling. My next doctor was an emergency room one. Without getting deep into why, I found myself for the first time in the emergency room for a severe mental breakdown. I was then transferred to the psychiatric hospital (as I’d gone to the closest one, which had no designated mental health facility) and analyzed by the first doctor I’d ever spoken to I felt really knew what the fuck was happening.  And he was the first one to speak bluntly with me about it.  I wish I could’ve had him as my therapist, but that would’ve required me to do in-patient care.  And with a newly acquired job plus bills, I really couldn’t afford to. Unfortunate, because it took one more emergency room trip to get me in with another place to see two more doctors. One was barely listening to me, I saw him less often.  He was the psychiatrist, I believe, while the woman I spoke to weekly was a psychologist.  She felt very young to me, very inexperienced.  I could be wrong, but that’s how it felt.  It didn’t feel like she had much of a technique for this either. When I walk in, I don’t really know what to say.  I was always under the impression that the doctor knew what to look for and knew how to find it, but most doctors (except the one I saw that I liked) seem to expect me to be the one to just know exactly what to say and when to say it. This is what they mean when they talk about how it may take a long time to find a doctor that suits you.  And trust me when I tell you, the process of it can exacerbate the situation.  That’s not to say that I didn’t take anything from those experiences.  In fact, I take so much that it’s exhausting and painful. I did learn a lot along the way, but that came with a huge price.  At this point in my life, I won’t be seeing any doctors.  I have two friends who have extensive experience with it and both of them have helped far more than them.  They passed along coping mechanisms and they understand the process of trauma enough to handle and understand when I’m experiencing it. Which is exactly why I will tell you that you are full of shit if you think internet searching gives you any authority on the subject.  A majority of sources are written and published by people who don’t experience mental illness and so a majority of it is wrong, or at the very least misguided. If you want to understand mental illness, listen and believe the people who experience it, and look into specific kinds of mental illnesses.  No general search will give you accurate information, ever.  Sure, the symptoms tends to overlap and share much in common, but there are very big reasons why they’re classified separately. This isn’t even the half of the complications that come with being mentally ill.  I haven’t talked about the idea of “high functioning” (which I classify as) and how doctors will put you in lower priority if you are - this means they’re less willing to do certain things, like prescribe medication.  I haven’t talked about how therapy is very often a process that takes people years to make progress in.  There’s no walking in and fixing shit in a month.  Just getting a diagnosis takes a long time, because they need to observe you for a while and there are huge risks in misdiagnosis.  Not to mention that doctors will avoid diagnosing children – as they did with me.  A diagnosis of mental illness will limit your life and opportunities permanently, so unless there is no doubt on it, they will put it off as long as they can. Therapy is painful.  The very concept of “processing” trauma is work – work that no mentally ill person ever asked for.  A majority of cases come from abuse; something done to them by another person or a circumstance.  As a mentally ill person who is constantly beaten down for my symptoms, it’s not fucking fair that I am held responsible for something that isn’t my fault.  I have to do all of this fucking work for something I never wanted. So, please, have some goddamned sympathy for people who are suffering.  It doesn’t matter whether or not they’re actively seeking help, they’re deserving of it all the same.  You don’t know how things are for them, you don’t live their life, you don’t support them, and you won’t be paying their medical bills.  It is not your place to pass such judgment.  If you can’t deal with the way they’re handling it, move on, don’t get involved, and definitely don’t go writing huge rants about how therapy therapy THERAPY OMG GET THERAPY. It’s not that simple, asshole.

Alumni Spotlight: Carrie A.

Hello. My name is Carrie and I am a grateful alcoholic/addict in recovery. Growing up my life was far from normal. I grew up in a trailer park in Ohio with an alcoholic/pill addict mother and cocaine-addicted father. We would often go without heat, water, and food. My upbringing brought forth a lot of pain, discomfort, along with a few instances of sexual abuse.

Even before I ever touched a drug or alcohol, I knew something was wrong with me. I battled with severe depression and can remember attempting suicide by the time I was eight years old. I had attempted to beat my head in with a heavy book and tried to hang myself with my blankie. Fortunately, those attempts were unsuccessful.

By the time I was 12, I had lost my virginity and began drinking and smoking marijuana. My mother suffered from severe mental illness along with her addiction, causing a lot of turmoil in my life. She would send men or teenage boys into my room while I was sleeping and encouraged me to be sexually active. Fortunately, even as a young woman, I was quite feisty and would fight off any advances. She believed that I would make an excellent stripper when I grew up, which caused me to develop an exceptionally low sense of self-worth and confusion. I have a vivid memory of when I turned 13, she had tried to convince me to commit double suicide with her and end it all. Shortly after that incident, she attempted suicide on her own. I was alone in the home with her and one of my friends. She took 40+ Xanax and drank a fifth of vodka. Child Protective Services were called but it never went any further than an investigation.

My parents decided to pull me from school and “homeschool” me in the 7th grade. In all reality, I had dropped out of school and never completed another grade. At this point, I had turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. By the time I was 13/14, I was doing ecstasy 3-4 times a week, smoking pot every day, and doing any drug that was put in front of me. A drug was a drug, did not matter what it was if I could numb the torment and discontent from within.

Fortunately, my father had cleaned up and stopped using cocaine. He worked three jobs and was never home to see or witness the dysfunction. If he had known what was occurring within the home, I know he would have tried to stop it. When he was home, everything was relatively normal. He would not allow men or teenagers into the home and would not allow anyone to bring drugs into the home unless it were pills for my mother. Since I was deep into my addiction, this caused a strain on my relationship with him. I wanted to get high and since I had practically raised myself, I refused to take any direction from either parent.

While I was in my addiction, at 14 years old, I met an older man who preyed on my situation. He was indeed a pedophile and manipulated me in any way he could. I will not go into details, but his control went on until I was 16 years old. I had cut all ties with my friends and family and felt very alone and trapped. One day, I had the gift of clarity and I recognized the relationship with this man for what it was. I immediately seized communication with him and was able to get myself clean from drugs, other than marijuana.

It was at this time I decided to date an old friend of mine who was the same age. My thought process did not care about his personality much, but the fact that we were the same age, and both smoked pot seemed like the normal route to go. As we dated, my mother became gravely ill from her addiction and was dying of liver failure. She turned jaundice and had delusions. We did not have health insurance at the time, so the hospital sent her home without a care plan. She passed away a month before my 17th birthday.

The abnormal relationship with my mother caused a lot of co-dependency. Even though she was the mother, I played that same role for her. I took care of her. I would always check to make sure she was still breathing and alive. After she passed, I was lost. Who would I care for now? Surely not myself. I needed to care for someone else. My boyfriend and I decided to try and get pregnant and it was a success.

This was a huge blessing. I remained clean and sober, refrained from marijuana use and alcohol. I never wanted my child to go through what I had to endure. While I was able to stay sober and take on the mother role, my boyfriend did not seize to stop partying. He continued with his old lifestyle of smoking marijuana and drinking and partying with friends. The parent role seemed too much for him and he would act out in fits of rage, putting holes in the walls and screaming at our baby. I decided enough was enough and I left him when my child was around two.

Around this time, I turned 21. I did not want to smoke marijuana, but I enjoyed drinking. Little did I realize that I was an alcoholic in the making. There were many precursors that I would become an alcoholic, but I did not recognize the signs. I would drink until blackout and have no recollection of the night before. Once the alcohol would hit my lips, it would never be enough. I would pass out at the bar and my friends would have to carry me home. I would wake up with anxiety, fear, shame, and regret, never knowing what I had done or said. Eventually, those heavy drinking nights caught up with me and I was sexually assaulted on my birthday. Of course, I blamed myself in true alcoholic/co-dependent fashion and decided the best course of action would be to run away.

At this time, my sons’ father left for boot camp. I knew that he could not hurt me in the way I had just experienced. The next time he called, I told him how much I wanted him back and we married within a few short months.

We moved to North Carolina and life was good. I was sober, married, and had a family. In 2011, I became pregnant with our middle daughter and nursed her for a year, which aided to my sobriety. I was blessed with another pregnancy in 2013 and nursed her for over a year as well. This was my motivation to be sober for about four years, although at this point I still did not believe myself to be an alcoholic.

Eventually, we received military orders to Fort Benning, GA for my husband to become a Drill SGT. I had stopped nursing and started drinking occasionally, just on the weekends with a group of friends and it was manageable. I still drank until I passed out or blacked out, but it was not a regular occurrence.

I managed to hold everything together but, in the meantime, my husband was changing into a person I no longer knew. Yes, he always had a temper, but he would bring his Drill Sgt. persona back home with him. He started to become verbally and emotionally abusive once again. It took its toll and I had started battling with my depression once again.

Within a couple of years, we received military orders for Alaska, and I was apprehensive about coming along. I knew that as soon as I arrived in Alaska, he was to be deployed. With my depression and our marriage on the rocks, I did not know how I could handle going into an Alaskan winter, alone with no support and 3 children. He told me that if I did not go along with him, he would divorce me. I was not ready to give up on our marriage yet, so we packed up and moved to Alaska.

Upon our arrival, we decided to buy a house. We lived in a hotel for over a month which was a strain in and of itself. The hotel did provide free alcohol every night though, and that was a plus for a potential alcoholic like me. After we moved into our home, I discovered that my husband was cheating on me with women on craigslist since we arrived in Alaska. A week after my discovery, he deployed to Afghanistan.

I resorted to the old coping mechanism that I had as a teenager. This time instead of drugs, it was alcohol. I drank to numb the pain and it spiraled out of control quickly. I gained a lot of weight and when my husband returned from his deployment, he was in shock at how I now looked. I was no longer the skinny fit wife. I was destroyed from the inside out.

He started becoming even more verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive. I was repeatedly told I was a fat disgusting waste of life. I amounted to nothing. During this time, Alaska had an exceptionally large 7.0 earthquake and everything was shut down. I went and bought a ton of alcohol and started drinking from the time I woke up until I passed out. I started to get the shakes in the morning and took Klonopin to ease the symptoms until I could drink again.

I had tried to stop on my own, but no matter how much willpower I had, it was of no use. I finally got the gift of desperation and was ready to end my life. I had a plan but luckily a friend happened to call me before I could follow through. It was then that I realized I needed to get help. The next day I searched treatment centers and by the grace of God, I found Transformations.

I left for treatment on April 28th, 2019, and have remained sober ever since. Transformations allowed me to work through a lot of personal problems and were a starting point for discovering the underlying causes of my addictions and alcoholism. Transformation got me sober, but AA has kept me sober.

When I left treatment and arrived back in Alaska, I had no intention of going to AA. I thought of AA as a cult. Luckily, a friend had convinced me to attend a meeting. I received such a vast amount of support from everyone there and immediately got a sponsor. The one key component I had to help me in AA was willingness. I did not need to believe that it would work, I just needed to have a willingness to do the steps and hope that maybe it will work for me.

I jumped into the steps with both feet and worked the program to the best of my ability. Steps 1,2 and 3 came very naturally but when I did Step 4, I learned so much about myself and why I made so many choices that put me where I am today. I continued working the steps and within a few months, the 9th step promises came true.

It is imperative that I continue to help other alcoholics and addicts. I know that I cannot keep the peace and serenity I have without giving back to others. I sponsor women, continue to do service work, and stay connected with my sober support. I also pray daily and still routinely check in with my sponsor.

AA and sobriety have done so much more for me than keep me sober. AA and the principles have completely transformed my way of life for the better. Because of AA and the steps, I have been able to accomplish and go through so many trials within my first year of sobriety. I am going through a divorce, my aunt had brain cancer, we lost a family friend at a young age in a motorcycle accident and lost a family member to coronavirus. I have been able to stay sober through it all and face these trials with a bit of grace.

By turning everything over to my higher power and letting go absolutely, my life has turned into something better than I ever could have imagined. Thanks to the program and treatment, my children have their mother back, I have an amazing relationship with another member in AA and I have been able to be a fellow friend to those around me. If I trust God, clean house, and help others, I can continue to be all these things and more. I trust in God’s will, not my own and I no longer live in fear. When I turn everything over to my higher power, my life continues to amaze me. My life continues to get better by the day, and I could not be more grateful.

If you’re an alumnus of Transformations and you’re struggling, PLEASE, reach out. We are ALWAYS here for you!

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5.2.20. 2:17 AM

My broken heart cracks easily like an egg. My fragile exterior bursting revealing a beautiful yellow interior, splatting on the pan of my trauma, fried and gently placed over cheesy grits. The delicious combo of trauma that’s comforting and delicious yet not the best for my health over time. 

I’m gonna die of clogged arteries if I don’t chill out. I’ve been reading The Body Keeps The Score. It’s a book on how trauma literally affects every organ. 

I cannot fathom doing the things other people have done to me. I have exposed so many people for being shady or bad but I still feel this void within myself. The void of the sum of the things that they did to me that have made me feel small enough to fit into their empty places. 

I am a distraction. 

Much of my relationships have been distractions from my own success. It’s reciprocal. Much of my relationships were distractions from trauma. Toxic. Lusty. Short. Toxic. Forced. Toxic. Sexually charged and empty interactions to fill the time between silent realizations of unhappiness and incompatibility. 

For example: 

My exes have similar family backgrounds: Emotionally absent fathers with extensive trauma issues who coped with said trauma with some sort of substance abuse. A loving mother who stayed with their dad no matter what happened, lacked boundaries and were the “tough tom boys” of their families. These dudes were either the youngest or only child.

The only person who does not fit this description is the first guy I ever “dated.”

I analyze every person that comes into my life to protect myself. 

The more I know about the past and the reoccurring patterns that have adversely affected my life, the more likely I am to prevent them from happening again and causing further damage. That’s what healing is supposed to do. That’s stopping the cycle. That’s what years of therapy and journaling are supposed to do. Get you to analyze what you’re doing and the reasons why. 

You’re studying yourself.  

My failures or mediocrity have scared me into complacency. Once dysfunction becomes commonplace, it’s the norm. It becomes the daily grind. If you grow up in dysfunction, inevitably if not properly treated, you will become a toxic person. 

If you didn’t have the proper support after a traumatizing event, you are more likely to develop PTSD or other mental health issues. Toxicity will become a part of your relationships. If you do not know how to deal with trauma in a healthy way, self-sabotage will become a survival mechanism you will be unable to turn off. 

Drinking, drug use, gambling, copious amounts of sex, binge eating, disordered eating, eating disorders, excessive exercising, risky behaviors like speeding and etc, are not going to make you feel better and will only traumatize you more. 

Misery isn’t a vibe. Dysfunction doesn’t have to be a vibe. We can heal and it hurts different. It hurts less. It doesn’t hurt worse. 

When we journal, reach out, participate in the things we love, be creative, make goals, cut toxic people out of our lives and etc, we make space for growth. We pick up the clutter of our traumas, we weed out those memories and dispose of them with care, we have space for growth and good people in our lives who want healthy relationships with us and themselves. 

Right now, I’m blaring good music in my ear phones, typing at nearly 2 AM about how I feel while hoping it reaches someone that needs to hear it because it makes me feel good to know I’m helping someone heal by feeling less alone. 

Also, this is better than what self-destructive behavior I typically have no business engaging in at this time. 

Making a positive impact on the world before I die has got to be the biggest goal I have for myself. I want to be remembered as someone who tried their best but it’s difficult because I can’t be perfect. Eventually, I’m going to mess up or something will be revealed about me that disappoints people. What can I do about that? 

Nothing. 

So *swerve* I can’t worry about that. What I can’t control in this life, I can’t ruminate on.   

What COVID-19 has taught me has been to move with the punches. You only can depend on yourself. Money really does help get what I need to get done, done. 

So, I have been applying to different places and got a job at a grocery store, the other day. I am attempting to secure employment during a pandemic because of the future economic collapse that is evolving before our eyes but I can’t freak out about that too much because I can only control what I got in front of me. 

I can’t make anyone love me. I can’t make a relationship work, one sided. I can’t expect myself to be perfect. I can’t control the economic future. 

I can control who I have in my life because I can positively affect my emotional well-being by cutting them out of my life. I can control how I react to adversity. Even if I feel out of control, I have every right to stop what I’m doing and do something more productive and conducive for my mental health. I don’t have to act crazy for attention. I can be myself and attract positive attention from people who like me instead of acting like a clown for one person. 

Just because you can make people laugh doesn’t mean they’re cheering you on. Some of them are so bored and/or apathetic, they don’t care that the clown has feelings. They don’t share your goofy nature. They think you’re weak and they prey on that perceived weakness. They see joy as naivety. They only want to be entertained and oh what fun it is to watch a train wreck of clowns. *cough cough* 

I can definitely say that I am a train wreck of clowns and I don’t want to be anymore but it’s a comfort zone for me. The dark humor doesn’t help. 

Love and attention are not the same things. 

If they care, they’ll be there for you. You shouldn’t have to show off for attention. You shouldn’t have to crash their crib or throw stuff at them for them to care about you. 

Plus, people experience their emotions in different ways. Some people shut down. Other people feel nothing. Some people stop caring about everything but then you can’t control how people react to life. 

Some people throw things. Yell. Get loud. 

But if you stop to think about why someone does something, it makes sense. I get loud when I argue with my partner because I feel unheard. I feel like what I have to say doesn’t matter to them and when I get angry I yell so they can hear what I have to say. Obviously, that’s not how one gets their point across. That’s the maturity talking. 

I have control of the volume of my voice and if I feel repeatedly insulted and unheard, I need to walk away depending on the type of relationship. Either, I have to walk away or make things work but if making things work didn’t work, I’m going to have to walk away. It’s simple, really. 

If you’re unheard, you’re being disrespected so WALK AWAY! 

If you know that someone will be unable to love you the way you deserve to be loved, walk away because that‘s the most selfish type of love. You know you can’t fix them. You know you can’t make them love you. How will they ever make you happy if they’re going to be miserable with you? 

Have you seen Bruce Almighty? Not even God can make someone love you. The Universe cannot create love. You are love.You have to find and create that for yourself.  

You have to love yourself and achieve your goals or you’ll never find happiness. You have to pursue your own joy in this life in order to feel fulfilled or you’ll never have fulfilling relationships. 

How do you expect a relationship to manufacture something you’ve never felt on your own? 

Whatever energy you put out into the Universe will come back to you. You are a part of Karma. Whatever good you put out there, will come back to you. Whatever bad, will go into the world and come back to you. That balance is what redeems the imperfection it is to be human. 

Life doesn’t have to be suffering but you need to focus on the rainbows. You have to cling onto the joyous moments that make you who you are today or you will be consumed by tragedy. You will become unrecognizable. 

Your identity will become trauma if you do not remember the good things that made you who you are today. Yes, the bad made you who you are too but so did the good. 

You’ll get sucked back into toxic relationships and repeat past traumas until you become aware of those patterns and offsetting them with who you actually are and what actually brings you joy. 

Do you like to paint? What hobbies did you have as a kid? Did you like being inside or outside more? Have you ever been interested in cooking? Do you like fashion? Have you ever wanted to play video games, soccer, DnD, go on a hike, try a new type of food and etc? Do it. 

Have you drank coffee by yourself in a restaurant? Gone to a movie by yourself? Whatever is the thing you want to do or try, do it because it will help you see your goals. It will help you feel fulfilled. 

If you were never loved by your parents or not properly loved or felt neglected in some way somehow by the important people in your life, of course you’re going to be conditioned to love in a dysfunctional way. 

But why be miserable?

Why be miserable because of that? 

Find yourself before you commit to someone who may potentially not value or love you the way you need to be valued and loved. You should not have to beg for love, act like a clown or hide yourself in some way to appease someone. 

Love you. 

Post #131 ~ Post-Series Depression

Mental health issues can impact everyday life in a countless number of ways and it is quite easy to fall into its jaws. The real world can be dark and daunting, which makes it a difficult battle to maintain a positive attitude. However, the fictitious universe(s) can also have an affect on handling mental health too. Whether it’s something that correlates to the real world or simply getting to the end. Post-Series Depression (PSD) isn’t a topic that’s openly discussed, at least outside the individual fandoms. There is a stigma around getting depressed from books, games, film, and series. It is often faced with comments like “Oh, it isn’t even real.”

But Post-Series Depression is quite real and should be tackled respectfully

Of course, it’s not limited to just post-series depression as you can get post-movie depression, post-game depression, and post-anime depression. Just for ease, I’ll refer to it as Post-Series Depression as it’s all connected.

Post-Series Depression has the potential to be damaging if not handled correctly. Most of the time the feeling will pass in a short period of time (few days). Depression itself is difficult to talk about and power through. So, if the cause is from something that seems trivial like getting to the end of a TV series, it can be extremely difficult to open up. Not exactly an easy discussion that the thing that’s got you down isn’t work, money, friendship related but something in a fictitious world. While I haven’t faced such comments, mainly because I haven’t openly discussed this type of feeling, I feel it’s something I want to address.

Why does Post-Series Depression happen?

I don’t believe there is a great mystery behind it but I everyone will have their own thoughts and opinions. My interpretation is getting an odd empty feeling after finishing a book or series is a natural occurrence, because you want more than what was presented. As a side note, credit to the creators for creating an extremely amazing piece of fiction.

One of my gifts, and curses, is an ability to get absorbed into the world of fiction. Growing up with anxiety and depression, it’s a nice comfort to get away from the harshness and find a reassurance in a different world. In short, it’s good to forget myself for a little while. Using fiction to escape is a juvenile way of dealing with problems, but it can be extremely effective if used right. If used wrong, it can cause problems to worsen, so finding the happy medium is difficult. For me, I try to always stay in control and never run away from my problems. The escapes are to help empower me to tackle the issues head-on. However, a piece of media can strike a certain cord within and it just lingers on and on. Getting invested into something can leave a void once it’s all over.

How to shift the feeling of Post-Series Depression

The fact remains, post-series depression is a thing and maybe there’s more to it than getting to the end of the fiction itself. There’s many different ways you can connect to a piece of media and I suppose the more connections you make the more of an impact it can make on you. The first course of action is to self-reflect, is there a reason why this feeling has come about? Could be there was something within the fictional world that resonated with you or reminded you of a real-life issue you’re facing? Perhaps it’s a chance to sort out a real-life issue? Regardless, there are tactics to getting clear of Post-Entertainment Depression if self reflection yields no results.

1. Take a break

 Finishing off something that leaves a powerful void within you isn’t easy to replace. In fact, I would argue that if you find something equally or more powerful to replace it straight away, you may find you’ll end up with a stronger feeling of post-series depression afterwards. The danger here is you may end up simply chasing something to fill that void which doesn’t exist. On the other hand, it may just work if you choose something that leaves a great impression but does so in a way that you don’t feel empty at the end.. All in all, maybe best to try some different hobbies for a little while.

2. Talk about it

 Like with standard depression and anxiety, talking about what’s on your mind is a great coping mechanism. People who have either gone through a similar situation or know the franchise well can offer words of wisdom or support. Sometimes all that is required is just a little help to process everything.

3. Write about it

Something that crops up regularly is to write fan fiction (and by that extent read fan-fiction) to help overcome the emptiness. Perhaps there wasn’t a sufficient enough ending for you or there were loose ends that didn’t get tied up. Writing out new scenarios can help ease the sadness. You could also write a review (for yourself or make it public online) as that could help too. If fan-fcition isn’t your thing then you could simply read other people’s reviews and opinions on it.

4. Re-watch/Re-play/Re-read

Giving the franchise another go through can help ease the burden. You may find little details you missed first time around and it’ll help process everything. Throwing yourself into a franchise for the first time can be daunting and by giving it another go can help with the processing of it. It also reinstates that even though you’ve completed it you can come back to it and it’s not gone.

5. Look into prequels, sequels, spin-offs, and alternative adaptations etc.

Sometimes these pieces of fiction are spread across different types of medias or gets expanded on in certain ways, so there’s potentially more for you to discover. Dedicated fans may have created their own extension to the franchise such as game mods/fan games, fan-fiction, soundtrack covers, animations, and live action videos etc. People may have also created memes which will help lighten the burden. Plus, you could create something in celebration of the fictional world.

6. Extras and behind the scenes

Watching behind the scenes can help too and can even bring you back to reality how it is just a fabrication. For example, if you’re stuck on a character’s death then you probably can see interviews with the actor/actress, which may help that really they’re not actually dead-dead. It’s little extras that keep the magic of the world going.

7. Join a fandom

Many of the fictitious universes out there have a following and joining one is an excellent way of getting over the sadness. Rather than this is the end of something, it’s the beginning. If there isn’t a fandom for what you’ve just witnessed, then you could set one up. You can make friends with people who like the franchise and the feelings of bitter and emptiness are filled by making these new connections. You can’t be left feeling too sad if as a result you make new friends or acquaintances!

8. Purchasing goodies/soundtrack/extras

When it comes to these elements of fiction there is also a market to sell goods from it. Having a little physical reminder like the soundtrack or figurine can immortalise the fictitious world. They’re no longer lost to the digital world and become more accessible to your eyes and ears, so to speak. Instead of having to load it up to enjoy it you can glance across to your shelf or put on the music as you’re doing something else. Also, by supporting the creators it may convince them to create more. For me, if something leaves an impact I save an image of it and add to my desktop wallpaper slideshow – occasionally one of these epic shots will pop up to give me a bittersweet reminder.

9. Moving on and finding something new

When you feel it’s about time to move on find something new to jump into, go for it. Who knows whatever you’ll pick next will have a similar affect on you, but that’s all part of the excitement and fun. If something powerful can linger on inside you, then that is something special. All forms of art and entertainment whether it’s paintings, music, games, films, series, books, manga, anime etc. are there to provoke the emotions and if something can have a profound effect then it’s done a powerful job. While the sadness is an awful feeling, I personally love the bitter-sweetness of it. I tip my hat to any creation that isn’t easily forgettable, if at all. At this point it is a challenge; can what you produce leave a lasting impression on me or will it simply get forgotten?

What sparked this post off?

It would be fair to assume that I’ve fallen into the trap of Post-Series Depression recently and yes you would be right. Probably only fair to share what it was. An anime called Your Lie in April (Japanese title: Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso). There are so many things within it that has resonated within me and left a lasting impression. Anime is one of my unsung hobbies and I keep it on the down low. It’s a planned topic for another day.

Getting back, there were certain key things I wanted to happen in the series as I was watching. Some of these never came to fruition, which is probably why the series has lodged itself in my head. The fact it didn’t turn out how I really hoped it would doesn’t make it a bad series, in fact quite the opposite in this instance. In case you’re interested in the series then here’s a link to where you can watch it: https://www.crunchyroll.com/en-gb/your-lie-in-april (includes both the English Dub and English subtitles version).

Rounding off Post-Series Depression

Post-Series Depression may not be as serious as depression and anxiety itself but it still is important to tackle. While it normally disappears within a few days, that isn’t guaranteed and if there are any other underlining issues like anxiety or depression then it can add to it and not shift. Which is why something like Post-Series Depression is important to deal with as it can be dealt with much easier than other mental health issues. When suffering from mental health issues the last thing you want is any more burdens weighing you down. But as a final thought, if something leaves a profound impression on you it can help keep your mind off any other negative thoughts.

In fact, I’m interested to know has there been any pieces of entertainment that caused you to have a post-entertainment depression?

Extra Links

Depression: The Internal Fight

Dark Games as a Source of Light

Until the next time, take care!

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