‘autism is a superpower!’ mothers when their autistic children have meltdowns and harm themselves instead of just being awkward and liking stuff intensely:

I'm not special because I've always had chronic pain, or because I generally have high pain tolerance. I thought my experience was normal until recently. I'm not exceptional, I'm not a warrior. I'm not going to valorise myself for suffering.

Validating my pain and treating me like a superhero for dealing with it are two different things. The latter does not help me at all, and it makes me feel awful for "letting" my pain affect me.

I genuinely actually kinda hate the feeling of crushing on a celebrity or fictional character bc it's literally impossible for it to be reciprocated?? And for me, that delulu feeling of fantasizing just hurts too much when I think about it :(

I found myself thinking of Jekyll today and wondering if it causes him physical pain to have to fake a smile. To what extent is Henry Jekyll, pleasant doctor and sophisticated upperclass gentleman a painful mask he has to wear and does the discomfort ever feel physical?

I was at the local aquarium today (this is the perfect time of year to go because it's open but there are no tourists so it's never crowded and admission is cheap) hanging out and doodling on one of the benches while I watched the fish. I had on headphones to listen to an audio book and to provide a buffer between myself and anyone who might try to talk to me and I had been looking forward to relaxing for a couple of hours when a family walked up and the father waved his hand in front of my face to get my attention. The minute they started asking me questions about what I was drawing I was filled with what I can only describe as intense dismay.

Obviously the family being present isn't in of itself an issue, it's a public aquarium, it's aimed at families and parts of the aquarium are geared specifically at children, but the family noticed me drawing and stopped to talk to me.

I reiterate that this was not something they did wrong, they were just being friendly, but I was really not prepared to have a conversation and I found the whole ordeal to be...well an ordeal. They were interested in what I was drawing (a sketch of Henry Jekyll because he's been on my mind off and on) and just the thought of having to explain who this character was, hoping they got it, and having to potentially explain why I was drawing him felt overwhelming.

And it was, they did not know who Henry Jekyll was, they were vaguely aware of Jekyll and Hyde but weren't the type of people to read classic literature and had never heard of the musical or actually seen for themselves any movies featuring the character. The mom commented that he looks like "a Disney villain from back in the 90s" which...fair assessment, I can't pretend I don't see why she would have thought that. The older kid was probably the most interested and wanted to see more of my drawings which made me really uncomfortable but I let him look through my sketchbook anyway because his parents kept saying he was interested in drawing and he loves art and I felt too anxious to say no.

I made small talk with the parents for a while, all the usual, "what's your name, where you from, what's your job?" (I hate those questions, they are usually the least interesting things about any people, myself included) and I wondered if this is what Henry does on a regular day. Has ordinary conversations with reasonably nice people and feel completely like a fish out of water the whole time. I felt pretty terrible about it too, I didn't have any hard feelings or resentment but the whole time I was thinking "Stop touching my things, go away, please fucking leave so I can get back to my audio book and my drawing. I just wanted to sit with the fish for a few hours because it's supposed to be quiet here this time of year."

No one ever seems to catch on that physically talking to people is an effort for me. I've gone my whole life and no one has ever noticed that I'm anxious or uncomfortable in situations where I have to speak out loud because I've gotten good at faking small talk and I know how to make my voice sound pleasant.

It's strange because I express myself easily enough in writing and I like messaging with people over text but the minute I have to be verbal with people I don't know I feel like I'm putting on an immense effort. I have to consciously choose a tone, figure out what words I want to say, be ready with an explanation in case I'm asked questions and I have to do all of it in real time on the spot. It feels like improve, like I'm constantly doing an improve routine and I know most people would say "Just be yourself!" But myself doesn't want to be doing this at all. Myself wants to be drawing and looking at fish. Even as a child I was never very social, I liked to doodle or daydream or build with my lego sets. I got reprimanded a lot for being too quiet. So I made myself more talkative and learned how to hold conversations. I learned to blend in but it's so tiring at times and I can swear when it's at its worst it feels almost physical. The discomfort becomes a suffocating "texture" on my skin and in my brain and I have to keep pretending like I don't notice it because every time I try to articulate how I feel people don't understand it. It's just not a thing they experience.

So I just keep "acting normal," and wonder if there's something wrong with me, like I'm operating on a different frequency from the people around me and I'm the only one on that frequency so other people don't even know it exists. It's...incredibly isolating at times. Even my partner doesn't seem to hear the world as loud as I do or experience the "texture" it's just a strange THING that I'm stuck with by myself. I wonder if it was the same for Henry Jekyll? Except instead being of too quiet he was too loud, too boisterous, threw tantrums, didn't know when to stop rambling about anatomy and weird gross medical facts. So he learned how to cover it and move through life pretending to be interested in everyone else but keenly aware they could never share his interests because his favorite subjects were too grisly and if he started talking about diseases he'd put everyone off. I head-canon Jekyll loves what he does, but he doesn't love it for reasons a doctor should, he doesn't care that much about healing the sick, he cares about conquering illnesses, he likes to learn about symptoms, he enjoys the disgusting viscera of his work. But he can't let on that this is what he enjoys about his work because that's not noble or heroic, it's something most people would find creepy of him. So he buries it and pretends he cares about curing the sick. He pretends he enjoys talking to people who don't know anything about who he is or what he does but they think they do because they are aware of doctors and understand that medicine exists. All the time he loathes it, it exhausts him and he can't even indulge in activities he enjoys to blow of steam because he enjoys things like brawling, doing drugs, and fucking. All things a man of his status shouldn't be seen doing. There's an image people associate with Henry Jekyll and it's an image he can't afford to tarnish...

but it's not really HIS image, it's just a buffer he keeps up to make himself more palatable. I wonder if that ever hurts him physically, if the mask ever feels like a "texture" muffling him.

there are times when I feel like it's no wonder he wasn't repulsed by Hyde when he first saw his reflection. Because I can only imagine by the time Hyde showed up he was already completely burnt out on being Jekyll.

So... I finally managed to gather the courage to get the Bliss ending.

I have never, never felt so broken - so empty after playing a game. I had to go back in to replay the Trapped ending, because I just couldn't bear the thought of it.

Kinito, I forgive you - and I'm sorry

Needless to say, KinitoPET has become one of my favorite games, and one of my most beloved pieces of media. It perfectly appeals to my early internet/computer nostalgia from when I was younger, and my need for escapism.

troy_en has killed me, and I will never be the same person again (extremely positive, but also fuck, it hurts)

✨If you think people with low or no empathy are inherently assholes and/or "the problem with society" then get the hell away from me

I’m here

It’s been a couple months. My mom restricted tumblr from my phone and uuuh, I can’t download anything without her knowing so that’s cool. I’m tired. I’m tired but I finally figured out the screen time passcode to my phone so I thought I’d talk with you all because I think some people might care 🤷‍♀️

It use to be bad (my mental state), but it’s mellowed out, I got use to it I guess. That being said I’m not sure about creating content too much, finding the time and motivation to is very difficult. It hurts coming back here and not feeling at home anymore. I don’t feel the same about art and I feel bland. Really meh. I want to go back but even if I tried to I think I’d just get beaten into the ground again (<- not literal please don’t call the cops).

That’s it I think. I love you very much and I hope you’re doing better than me right now.

I dont WANT to think or process things or deal with complex things like bills or car maintenance, I want to be a stupid fuck sleeve and entertainment.

Something I’ve never heard anyone talk about that bugs me is that on stranger things ao3 crosstagging has rendered the stancy tag functionally useless without filtering.

I would not be surprised if the vast majority of fics in the stancy tag are steddie and/or ronance or harringrove.

I have the most recent page of the stancy tag open in a different tab right now. 4/20 of those are actually stancy fics. I don’t even mean that it’s just a background ship for most of the other fics, 15 of those 16 remaining fics clarify in their other tags and in their summaries that they are about a different ship involving Steve or Nancy and are only using stancy as a narrative device to further the romantic storyline of the ship the fic is actually about. (In the 16th fic stancy was a background pairing, but even that one is also tagged “Nancy and Steve don’t stay together.”)

Some of these fics have additional tags that either:

Express the author’s distaste for stancy

Explicitly state that it isn’t a stancy friendly fic.

The latter of which completely baffles me! Scratch that, both baffle me! Do these people not realize that people who ship stancy use the stancy tag? Honestly I’m not sure if some of them are aware that people who ship stancy actually exist.

Yes, I can just filter out other ships, which I do, that feature is a godsend, but I shouldn’t have to plug in every single ship involving Steve or Nancy into the filter just to be able to see more than one stancy fic in a row in the stancy tag.

This isn’t a problem for a lot of the other ships in the fandom (thought definitely not all of them). Hell, I haven’t encountered anything like this in the twelve years I’ve been reading fanfiction, it’s ridiculous.

To those considering crosstagging stancy in their steddie/ronance/etc. fic: just tag it “Minor Steve Harrington/Nancy Wheeler.” I don’t care if they’re relationship/breakup is a major plot point, it still doesn’t belong in the actual stancy tag. When you go into the steddie/ronance/etc tag are you looking for fics where that ship breaks up in order to progress a different ship involving one of its characters? Because that describes a good 80% of the stancy tag right now.

“Minor Steve Harrington/Nancy Wheeler” is better than “Past Steve Harrington/Nancy Wheeler” in my opinion, since last time I checked fics tagged with the latter still show up in the stancy tag.

Edit: I have been informed that “works tagged "minor [pairing]" are wrangled into that pairings tag if it's in the relationship tags. Has to be in Other Tags to not get wrangled there.” Thank you @monstrous-femme for your ao3 tagging wisdom.

you're born an angel, sad how everyone will take advantage of such a fragile thing.

More fanrt for @eternalglitch bc im TOTALLY not obsessed with lfls

I had wanted to go on 50-mile bike rides.

I had wanted to get back into rock climbing and swing dance.

I had wanted to go hiking every week.

I had wanted to cook every day.

I had wanted to be a friend people could ask to help lift things.

I had wanted to be able to get my hands dirty, to help people, to make big things and change things.

I still want to work, to help where I can, to make small things; but I’m struggling there, too.

Maybe it was never going to be possible, I’ve always been more limited than my peers even when I was more able-bodied than I am now (though I was never able-bodied). But I miss those projects, those desires, those goals. I miss when they seemed possible, when they were something I could work towards.

Had a big doctors appointment today. One that I have been waiting on for a long while and I got some news I was already mentally prepared for. I saw it coming, I just needed the problem to be confirmed as bad as I thought. So major surgery is on the table. But, it’s gonna be a process

I know this sounds scary, and it is, but I am also relieved that there’s a path forward. The problem is no longer a mystery and something can be done about it

for me, being autistic is fluctuating between “i love how my brain works because i see the world in a way that makes more sense than neurotypical people and my fellows neurodivergents get me” and “i wish i was a normal fucking person.”

my parents are fighting again and my ears hurt

interactions are so complicated and nuanced I just don’t want to think about them anymore . I feel like I fuck everything up more whenever I say anything but if I don’t say anything I feel awful about being in the situation at all and there is no way to predetermine the right thing to say because everyone is different and each person will have a different reaction than the other . Not to mention the layers of interpersonal pasts??? Like there is a certain nuance when talking to someone you’ve known for years vs someone you met today vs someone you’ve known for maybe a few months . Vulnerability is endearing but too much looks selfish or filterless and too little looks closed off or bland or even stuck up . How the fuck are all of these things supposed to even be known, let alone put into practice every single day with many different people who are constantly turning into new versions of themselves as they’re influenced by other dynamics (and all the while, you’re doing the same thing too)?! Don’t get me wrong . I love the human experience and I love interpersonal dynamics and connection with every single fibre of my being and I wouldn’t trade it for the world . I just really think there should be some sort of manual to this ?? Like maybe if we all just read the manual no one would ever have to cut anyone off and we could gauge how well we gel with other people from the get-go based on quantitative measures . It would remove a lot of unnecessary pretense, which could also still be kept for artistic purposes but then it would at least be acknowledged that it was pretense and all of the people’s intentions would be elucidated sooner . I want to hold the infinite in my hands .